THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MAJ. ROGER SHERMAN POTTER:

TOGETHER WITH AN ACCURATE AND EXCEEDINGLY INTERESTING ACCOUNT OF HISGREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN POLITICS, DIPLOMACY, AND WAR, --ALL OF WHICH AREHERE RECORDED OUT OF SHEER LOVE FOR THE MARTIAL SPIRIT OF THIS TRULYAMBITIOUS NATION. 

I HERE DECLARE THAT THIS GREAT WORK WAS NEITHER TRANSLATED FROM THEFRENCH, NOR PRIGGED FROM THE UNPUBLISHED WORK OF ANY ENGLISH AUTHOR, BUT WAS TRULY AND HONESTLY WRITTEN FOR THE ESPECIAL BENEFIT OF MYPUBLISHER. 

BY PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE, WHO, WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, RESPECTFULLY DEDICATES IT TO HIS FRIEND AND BENEFACTOR, JAMESBUCHANAN, PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES. 

NEW YORK:

1858. 

AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 

IF the reader will but pay attention to what I have written in thisgreat work, it will be found that I have taken an unwarrantableliberty with his good taste; that is to say, I have so far deviatedfrom that stereotyped rule-so strictly observed by all our greatauthors-as to make my hero, who is what is curiously enough called a"Yankee Character, " speak tolerably good English, instead of vulgarslang. In truth, so closely do "our great writers" adhere to thisrule of depicting the eccentric American as a lean, scraggyindividual, dressed most outlandishly, making splinters of theking's English, while drawling it with offensive nasal sounds, andviolating the rules of common politeness in whatever he does, thatwhen he goes abroad the foreigner is surprised to find him atolerably well polished gentleman, and indeed not unfrequentlyinquires what part of our country those lean persons he has seendescribed in the books of American authors reside in. 

Let this preface then suffice, for if any one of my many readersthink he can write a better--and I doubt not he can-let him setabout it, and not stop until he get it exactly to his fancy. Butbefore he say one word against aught that is herein written, let himbear in mind that I am the author of not less than a stack of greathistories, which have already so multiplied my literary fame, thatthe mere announcement of another book by me sends that only greatand generous critic, the public at large, into a perfect fever ofanxiety. 

PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE. 

New York, Nov. , 1857. 

CONTENTS. 

1. --A Chapter Wherein those Having a Taste for Nonsense may find It

2. --Containing Sundry Matters of Deep Interest

3. --A Pleasant Meeting with a Renowned Major

4. --Major Roger Sherman Potter Recounts his Exploits in War andPolitics

5. --In which Politicians and Other Vagabonds may find Something toTheir Advantage

6. --Major Roger Potter's First Adventure in New York

7. --The Pleasant Side of a Misfortune

8. --Meeting Between the Renowned Major and an Eccentric Fishmonger

9. --How the Renowned Major Exchanged Chickens with Mrs. Trotbridge

10. --The Kindness of Mine Host of the Astor

11. --Wonderful Story of an Intelligent

12. --Concerning Matters Necessary to the Perfection of This History

13. --The Two Strange Characters at the Independent Temperance Hotel

14. --A whole Town in a State of Alarm

15. --An Amusing Meeting between Major Roger Potter and his Wife, Polly Potter

16. --Many Queer and Deeply Interesting Things which took place WhenMajor Potter arrived at Barnstable

17. --A Man of the Name of Giles Sheridan

18. --Which Relates how Major Roger Potter Sailed for New York, to theGreat Delight of Little Barnstable

19. --The Most Pleasant and Satisfactory Mode of Displaying Courageand Military Skill

20. --A Mistake that had Nearly Cost Major Potter his Life

21. --The Happiest Way of Settling a Difference

22. --The Least Expensive Way of Manufacturing Heroes

23. --Which Treats of a Party of Yachters Met on the Sound

24. --A Remarkable Interview between the Renowned Major Roger Potterand the Commander of the Fleet

25. --A Small Accident which had well nigh Lost the Renowned Major allHis Reputation for Gallantry

26. --Major Roger Potter's Grand Reception in New York, and How he wasFairly Suffocated with the Attentions of Our Aldermen

27. --What was Said and Done when the Renowned Major Potter Arrived atthe Great St. Nicholas Hotel

28. --A Remarkable Mayor of the City; how he Received the Major, Exchanged Speeches, and was Serenaded, to the Great Delight ofPoliticians and Vagabonds in general

29. --Wherein is Pleasantly Related how Major Roger Potter was FoundAlmost Suffocated

30. --How to Regulate the Good Conduct of Young Gentlemen Entering the"Century Club. "

31. --How the Landlord of the Astor pursued the Renowned Major with aSmall Bill

32. --A Queer Account of How the Major got into Debt to the Landlordof the Astor

33. --How the Major became a General, and Joined the Young AmericanBanking House of Pickle, Prig & Flutter

34. --A Remarkable Showman, and what was Done with the Intelligent Pig

35. --Two Great Generals, and an Amusing Account of the VeryUnmilitary Predicament they were Found in on the Morning of theReview

36. --The Story of a very Learned Critic, together with other Queerand Interesting Matters, all of which took place at the New YorkHotel

37. --A Chapter on Military Politicians and Critics, all of which isset down in Writing by Mr. Orlando Tickler, one of the Order

38. --Major Roger Potter Engages to get the Kingdom of Kalorama forus, and Prepares to Depart for Washington, to Procure the Missionpromised him by the Government

39. --A Remark or two concerning our Grand Opera House

40. --How certain Well-Known Adepts and Office-Seekers were Alarmed atGeneral Roger Potter's Arrival in Washington

41. --An Adept of the Name of Ben Stretcher, and what He Does forthose who Stand in Need of His Services

42. --Which Records the Singular Character of the Application made byGeneral Roger Potter for an Office, and how he is sent Minister tothe King of the Kaloramas, that being the Easiest Method of GettingRid of Him

43. --Which Records how the General Got His Commission, and Returnedto New York, with Other Things Common to Politicians

44. --General Roger Potter gets a Mission, and Returns to New York, with the Loss of his Secretary, Mr. Tickler

45. --An Affair of Gallantry that had Nearly Cost Mr. Tickler hisLife, an event that would have been a Serious Loss to the Nation;also, the Story of Leon and Linda, as Told by the Critic

46. --The Renowned General Potter takes his Departure as MinisterPlenipotentiary for Kalorama; as, also, a True and Accurate Accountof What Took Place when the Ship Crossed the Line. To which is Addedthe Sad History of Spark Island

47. --Which Describes the Rejoicing that Took Place when the GeneralLanded at Buzabub, on the Coast of Kalorama

48. --How the Renowned General Potter Spent a Night Among the Dead

49. --Sorry Trials of a Great Minister Plenipotentiary, all of whicharise from his Ignorance of the Language spoken at Court

50. --The Journey to Nezub; as, also, a Curious Conversation whichtook place between Minister Potter and his Secretary

51. --In which is Minutely Described an Entirely New and MostExtraordinary Mode of Punishing Ministers and Secretaries ofLegation

52. --Things which the Author Ventures to Assert Cannot Fail to Amuseand Instruct the Reader

53. --How the Renowned General Potter had an Army of Vagabonds senthim, and how the Terrible Battle of the Banana Hills was FoughtWithout Bloodshed

54. --An Amusing Result of a Great Battle

55. --Which Recounts how General Potter Condemned the Priests to RideAsses Three Times a Day, as a Good Enough Punishment for theirIntriguing; also, a Plain and Unvarnished Account of theever-Memorable Battle of "The Miracle, " in which Old Battle, theGreatest War Horse of these times, Lost his Life

56. --An Amusing Quarrel, which Arose Concerning the Government ofKolorama

57. --Which Treats of How the Ruler of a Kingdom was Carried Off intoCaptivity on a Mule, and how he Escaped from the Priests

58. --An Account of how the Renowned General Potter stole the Hat andMule of a Poor Priest, that he might go in Search of his StrayingArmy

59. --The Vagaries of Mr. Tickler, Secretary and Critic to GeneralRoger Potter. He Relates the Story of Angelio

60. --The Last and Most Melancholy Chapter in this Eventful History, and wherein will be found one the Most Truthful Accounts of aWarrior Returning Home Without a Kingdom, and in a Pelting Rain

THE ADVENTURES OF MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER. 

CHAPTER I. 

WHICH TREATS OF THINGS NOT PARTICULARLY INTERESTING, AND MIGHT HAVEBEEN OMITTED WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO THIS HISTORY. 

CAPE COD, you must know, gentle reader, is my bleak native home, andthe birth-place of all the most celebrated critics. The latter factis not generally known, and for the reason that the gentry composingthat fraternity acknowledge her only with an excess of reluctance. Her poets and historians never mention her in their famous works;her blushing maidens never sing to her, and her novelists lay thescenes of their romances in other lands. One solitary poet wascaught and punished for singing a song to her sands; but of hercodfish no historian has written, though divers malicious writershave declared them the medium upon which one of our aristocracies isfounded. But I love her none the less for this. 

It was a charming evening in early June. I am not disposed to statethe year, since it is come fashionable to count only days. With myhead supported in my left hand, and my elbow resting on my knee, Isat down upon the beach to listen to the music of the tide. Curiousthoughts crowded upon my mind, and my fancy soared away into anotherworld. The sea was bright, the breeze came soft and balmy over theland, and whispered and laughed. My bosom heaved with meltingemotions; and had I been skilled in the art of love, the mood I wasin qualified me for making it. The sun in the west was sinkingslowly, the horizon was hung with a rich canopy of crimson clouds, and misty shadows played over the broad sea-plain, to the east. Thenthe arcades overhead filled with curtains of amber and gold; and thesight moved me to meditation. My soul seemed drinking in thebeauties nature was strewing at the feet of her humblest, and, perhaps, most unthankful creatures. Then the scene began to change;and such was its gently-stealing pace that I became moved byemotions my tongue had no power to describe. The more I thought themore I wondered. And I sat wondering until Dame Night drew her duskycurtains, and the balconies of heaven filled with fleecy clouds, andten thousand stars, like liquid pearls, began to pour their softlight over the land and sea. Then the "milky way" came out, as if totake the moon's watch, and danced along the serene sky, like acoquette in her gayest attire. 

How I longed for a blushing maiden to tune her harp, or chant hersong, just then! Though I am the son of a fisherman, I confess Ithought I heard one tripping lightly behind me, her face all warmwith smiles. It was but a fancy, and I sighed while asking myselfwhat had induced it. Not a brook murmured; no willows distilledtheir night dews; birds did not make the air melodious with theirsongs; and there were no magnolia trees to shake from their locksthose showers of liquid pearls which so bedew the books of our ladynovelists. True, the sea became as a mirror, reflecting argosies ofmagic sails, and the star-lights tripped, and danced, and waltzedover the gently undulating swells. A moment more and I heard thetide rips sing, and the ground swell murmur, as it had done in mychildhood, when I had listened and wondered what it meant. The seagull, too, was nestling upon the bald sands, where he had soughtrest for the night, and there echoed along through the air sosweetly, the music of a fisherman's song; and the mimic surf dancedand gamboled along the beach, spreading it with a chain ofphosphorous light, over which the lanterns mounted on two statelytowers close by threw a great glare of light: and this completed thepicture. 

While contemplating the beauties before me, I was suddenly seizedwith a longing for fame. It was true I had little merit of my own, but as it had become fashionable at this day for men without meritto become famous, the chance for me, I thought, was favorableindeed. I contemplated my journey in quest of fame, and resolvednever to falter. "Fame, " I mused, "what quality of metal art thoumade of, that millions bow down and worship thee?" And all nature, through her beauties, seemed returning an answer, and I arose frommy reverie, and wended my way toward the cabin of my aged parents. Abright light streamed from one of the windows, serving as my beacon. I had not gone far before Fame, I thought, replied for herself, andsaid: "Know, son of a fisherman, that I am a capricious goddess; atleast, I am so called by the critics. And they, being adepts in deepknowledge, render verdicts the world must not dispute. I have theworld for my court: my shrine is everywhere, and millions worship atit. Genius, learning, and valor, are my handmaids. I have great andgood men for my vassals; and upon them it affords me comfort tobestow my gifts. I seek out the wise and the virtuous, and placegarlands of immortality upon their heads; I toy with my victims, andthen hurl them into merited obscurity. Little men most beset me, most hang about my garments, and sigh most for my smiles. The richman would have me build monuments to his memory; the ambitious poorman repines when I forget him. Novel-writing damsels, their eyesbedimmed with bodkin shaped tears, and their fingers steeled withenvious pens it seems their love to dip in gall, cast longing looksat me. Peter Parley, and other poets, have laid their offerings lowat my feet. I have crowned kings and emperors; and I have cast afavor to a fool. With queens and princes have I coquetted, andlaughed when they were laid in common dust. I have dragged thehumble from his obscurity, and sent him forth to overthrow kingdomsand guard the destinies of peoples. Millions have gone in search ofme; few have found me. Great men are content with small favors;small men would, being the more ambitious of the two, take me all tothemselves. Millions have aspired to my hand; few have been foundworthy of it. Editors, critics, chambermaids and priests, (withoutwhom we would have no great wars, ) annoy me much. I am generousenough to forgive them, to charge their evil designs to want ofdiscretion, to think the world would scarce miss them, and certainlycould get along well enough without them. 

"In my halcyon days there appeared before me one ’neas, who wasgreat of piety, which he laid at my feet, soliciting only a smile. After him came Hector, whom I condoled for his misfortunes. Upon thehead of Achilles, who sought the smallest favor, I placed a garland. Eurylas, a man of large friendship; and Alexander, who was knownamong the nations for his liberality; and C‘sar, who had some valor;and Trajan, whose probity no one doubted; and Topirus, a man ofgreat fidelity; and Cato, of whom it was said that he had somewisdom-these came, and in humility bowed before me and accepted myoffering. For the delight and instruction of future generations, Ihave had their names written on the pages of history, which is theworld's gift. And this was an age of the past. 

"Then the age of modern poetry and oratory came in with oneShakspeare, and a friend of his of the name of Bacon. And it wentout with Sheridan, and one Pitt, and a queer man of the name ofByron, whose name I have written in letters of gold, and have placedwhere envious bishops cannot take it down, though they build laddersof lawn. I will watch over it, and it shall be bright when kings andbishops are forgotten. 

"Then there came the age of Washington; which was a new age, in anew world, with new glories and new men, whose names I haveenshrined for the study of the young, the old, the great, and thegood. On Jefferson's brow I laid a laurel that shall be green in allcoming time; and the memories of Webster, Clay, and Calhoun shalllong wear my mantle, for they won it worthily. 

"Latterly, I have been much annoyed by one Benton, who, being a manof much light and shade, climbs my ladder only to break it down, andis for ever mounting dragons he cannot ride. If I shake him from myskirts to-day, he will to-morrow meet me upon the highway, andcharge me with ingratitude. Dancing-girls and politicians beset meon all sides, reminding me that, without them, the world would go toruin. Political parsons and milliners daily make war upon me. Andsinging women, and critics who herald their virtues for pennies, threaten to plunder me of my glories. And, though I am not a vaindame, many of these think me as cheaply bought as their own praise. 

"I would not have you mourn over the age of poetry and oratory, forthat also is of the past. You must not forget that it is becomefashionable for men to give themselves to the getting of gold, whichthey pursue with an avidity I fear will end in the devil getting alltheir souls. You, son of a fisherman, shall be the object of mysolicitude. Go out upon the world; be just to all, nor withhold yourgenerosity from those who are worthy of it. Be sure, too, that youmake the objects of your pursuit in all cases square with justice. Let your purposes be unvarying, nor be presumptuous to your equals. Beware lest you fall into the company of boisterous talking andstrong drinking men, such as aspire to the control of the nation atthis day; and, though they may not have been many months in thecountry, kindly condescend to teach us how to live. Also let thosewho most busy themselves with making presidents for us keep othercompany than yours, for their trade is a snare many a good man hasbeen caught in to his sorrow. "

And Fame, I thought, continued discoursing to me in this manneruntil I reached the cabin of my father, when she bid me good nightand departed. I entered the cabin and found my father, who was bentwith age, sitting by the great fire-place, mending his nets. Mymother was at her wheel, spinning flax. She was a tidy little body, of the old school. Her notions of the world in general were somewhatnarrow and antiquated; while the steeple-crown cap she wore on herhead so jauntily, and her apron of snow-white muslin, that hung soneatly over a black silk dress, and was secured about the neck witha small, crimped collar, gave her an air of cheerfulness the sweet-ness of her oval face did much to enhance. My father, whose face andhands were browned with the suns of some sixty summers, had a touchof the patriarch about him. He often declared the world outside ofCape Cod so wicked as not to be worth living in. He was short offigure, had flowing white hair, a deeply-wrinkled brow, andcorrugated lips, and blue eyes, over-arched with long, browneyelashes. My mother ran to me, and my father grasped me firmly bythe hand, for he was not a little concerned about my stay on thebeach. Indeed, I may as well confess, that he regarded me as awayward youth, over whom it was just as well to exercise a guardianhand. In his younger days he had been what was called extremely goodlooking, a quality he frequently told me I had inherited, and fromwhich he feared I might suffer grievous harm, unless I exercisedgreat caution when divers damsels he had a jealous eye uponapproached me. My mother was less jealous of my exploits among thesex, which she rather encouraged. 

Another cause of anxiety with my father was the fact that I hadwritten a "Life and Times" of Captain Seth Brewster; which work, though the hero was a fisherman, reached a sale of forty thousandcopies, put money in my pocket, and made me the pet of all thepetticoats round about. It was not unnatural, then, that my father, with his peculiar turn of mind, should set me down as beingpartially insane. I had also manufactured several veryhighly-colored verses in praise of Cape Cod; and these my publisher, who was by no means a tricky man, said had made a great stir in theliterary world. And his assertion I found confirmed by the critics, who, with one accord, and without being paid, declared these versesproof that the author possessed "a rare inventive genius. " Themeaning of this was all Hebrew to me. My mother suggested that itmight be a figure of speech copied from Chaldean mythology. 

Another cause of alarm for my morals, in the eyes of my father, wasthe fact of my having made two political speeches. And these, according to divers New York politicians, had secured Cape Cod toGeneral Pierce. And, as a reward for this great service, and to theend of illustrating in some substantial manner (so it is written atthis day) their appreciation of a politician so distinguished, I waswaited upon by a delegation of the before-named politicians, (two ofwhom came slightly intoxicated, ) who had come, as they said, totender to me an invitation to visit New York. A public reception bythe Mayor and Council; a grand banquet at Tammany Hall; the honor ofbeing made one of its Sachems; free apartments and two charmingserenades at the New York Hotel; and divers suppers at veryrespectable houses, were temptingly suggested as an inducement forme to come out and take a prominent position. Indeed, such were therepresentations of this distinguished delegation, that I began tothink the people of New York singularly rich and liberal, seeingthat they trusted their surplus money in the hands of persons whowere so loose of morals that they could find no other method ofspending it than suppering and serenading men of my obscure stamp. 

But if my father was alarmed lest my morals should suffer by thesetemptations, my mother would have answered to heaven for my virtue, though a dozen damsels were setting snares for me. And this will beshown in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER II. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW I LEFT MY NATIVE CAPE, AND SUNDRY OTHER MATTERS. 

I HAD no sooner disclosed to my father my musings with Fame, and theaspirations she had excited in me, than he went right into apassion, and set me down as extravagant and mad. He had entertainedhopes of making me a schoolmaster, perhaps an inspector of fish, inwhich office excellent opportunities for increasing one's fortuneswere offered; but I had been rendered quite useless to the parishever since the New York politicians had taken me into their favor. Anybody, he said, might go out upon and know the world, but few hadthe courage and daring to grapple with its difficulties. And then, the world was so wicked that men of reflection instinctively shrankfrom it. Notwithstanding my wild, visionary plans, he yet had hopesof me. But if I sought distinction in the political world, it wouldbe well not to forget that it had at this day become a dangerousquicksand, over which a series of violent storms continually heaved. And these storms, by some mysterious process or other, wereincessantly casting up on the shore of political popularity andmaking heroes of men whose virtues were not weighty enough to keepthem at the bottom. "Be an humble citizen, my son, " said he: "learnto value a quiet life. You are not given to loud and boisteroustalking, to lying, or to slandering; which things, at this day, areessential to political success. Worthy and well disposed persons aretoo much afraid of being drowned in the violence of the stormpoliticians with shallow brains and empty pockets create, by theiranxiety to take the affairs of the nation into their own keeping. Remember, too, that if you fail in the object of your ambition (andyou are not vagabond enough to succeed), the remotest desert willnot hide you from the evil designs of your enemies. You may seeksome crystal stream; you may let your tears flow with its waters;but such will not lighten your disappointment, for the persecutedheart is no peace-offering to the political victor. Politicallyvanquished; and you are like an unhappy lover who seeks him a ruraldeity and sings his complaints to the winds. Your eye will becomejealous at the fortunes of others, but your sighs over the crueltyof what you are pleased to call human imperfections will not bringback your own. Stay quietly at home, my son, and if you cannot be aschoolmaster, chance may one day turn you up President of theseUnited States. Let your insanity for writing books not beguile youinto crime; and above all, I would enjoin you, my son, never towrite the 'Life and Character' of an in-going President, for then, to follow the fashion of the day, and make for him a life that wouldapply with equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sablesubjects, will be necessary that you write him down the hero ofadventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score ofdelinquincies his real life is blemished with. If you do this, wisemen will set you down a scribbler for charity's sake. "

Thus spoke my venerable father. But I remembered that he had severaltimes before said that if I would so square my morals as to becomein favor with the matronly portion of the parish he would even tryand make a parson of me, which was, in his opinion, a promotionstill higher than schoolmaster. Having got a parish, and chosen therichest damsel of the flock for my wife, there was nothing to hinderme from snapping my fingers at the world and its persecutions. 

My father, I would here observe, in justice to his memory, was muchgiven to the study of religion, and would not unfrequently invite tohis house the parson of a neighboring village, that he might debatewith him on matters appertaining to the creed, which he had beenthirty years narrowing down to the finest point. And yet he alwayskept a vigilant eye to his worldly affairs, nor ever let a man getthe better of him in a bargain. Indeed it was said of him thatthough he had not been to sea for many a day he so linked himself tothe fortunes of his neighbors as to secure a large share of thebounty so generously paid by our government. That there was nothingin this inconsistent with his love of true religion my father wasassured by the parson, who held that worldly possessions in no wiseblunted the appetite for redemption; and that even bill-discountingquakers, with their bags of gold on their backs, would not find thegates of heaven shut to them. And as the parson was a man of greatlearning, though small of figure, and very curatical in his featuresand dress, his opinions were in high favor with the villagers, amongwhom he had given it out that he was a graduate of Yale and Harvard, both of which celebrated institutions had conferred high honors uponhim. This high throwing of the parson's lasso getting abroad atonedfor innumerable antiquated and very dull sermons, for the deliveryof which he would excuse himself to his private friends by sayingthat his salary was but four hundred dollars a year, one third ofwhich he took in No. 2 mackerel no one would buy of him. He wasexcessively fussy; and if he advocated temperance to-day, he wouldto-morrow take a sly smash, never forgetting to add that it wasrecommended by his physician, who was likewise a man of greatlearning. Under the influence of this medicine, it was said, bymalicious people, which no parish is with--out, that if the occasiondemanded a serious sermon he was sure to preach one that would sendall the young folks of his congregation into a titter. If theoccasion was such as to tolerate a little humor, he was sure to sendthem all into a melancholy mood with the gravity of his remarks. Infine, he was sure to be on the opposite side of everything natural. The only question he was not quite sure it would do to get upon, wasthe slavery question. And for this he always excused himself bysaying that there were many others in the same condition. It wouldnot do to be in the desert, hence he inclined to the policy of ourfashionable clergy, who are extremely cautious not to steer tooclose to questions not popular enough to be profitably espoused. IfParson Stebbins (for such was his name) let drop a few words infavor of freedom to-day, Obadiah Morgan, the most influential memberof his church, would to-morrow politely withdraw. A word or twocomplimentary of the South and her peculiar institutions was equallysure to find him taken to task by the philanthropic females of hisparish. In truth, he could approach neither side of the questionwithout finding a fire in his rear. And as his empty pocket wouldnot allow him to rise to independence, he resolved to preach to thatportion of his church which was content to let the slavery questiontake care of itself. 

The parson joined my father in his endeavors to shake the resolutionI had taken, and said many things concerning the snares set by thewicked world, and how easy it was for an ardent youth like myself tofall into them, that grievously annoyed my mother; for, as I havesaid before, she had great faith in my virtue, and so doted on methat she had a ready excuse for all my follies. Indeed, she wouldoften smile at the combined alarm of my father and the parson, saying she held it infinitely better that a youth like myself go outupon the world in search of distinction, for therein lay thevirtue of his example. Children were born to the world; if they haddaring enough to go out upon it and battle with it, the parson'sadvice to stay at home was unnecessary. You could not make humanthings divine; and, to expect miracles from saints now-a-days, ortruth from critics, or liberality from parsons, was like looking forreason in our "current literature. "

When my father found that I was, in spite of the admonitions of theparson, resolved on setting out, and that he was confronted by thestrong opposition of my mother, he gave up in despair, telling mewhatever befell me, not to look to him for succor. My mother, on theother hand, gave herself up to my preparation for the journey withso much ardor, that she for several days almost wholly neglected theregulation of her domestic affairs. My precious new suit of black, in which I had adorned myself on Sundays, and, not a little vain ofmy appearance, shone out at church, was got out and brushed, andthen nicely packed away in my valise, which likewise contained anample supply of unmentionables, and homemade shirts, and stockings, and other articles appertaining to the wardrobe of an adventurousyoung man. My mother also exercised a wise discretion in theselection of such books as she thought would afford me "maxims ofguidance, " as she called it, through the world. A pocket Bible, anda small volume of the "Select Edition of Franklin's Maxims, " a bookin high favor with the good people of the Cape, were got of abookseller in Barnstable, a queer wag, who had got rich by vending astrange quality of literature and taking fish in exchange. Inaddition to these good books provided by my mother, I was carefulnot to forget my "Polite Speech Maker, " a book which I confess tohave studied much. In truth, like many distinguished members ofCongress, I am indebted to it for my great political popularity. Resolved as I am that this history shall never swerve from thetruth, I would sincerely recommend a study of the "Polite SpeechMaker" to all juvenile politicians, dealers in liquor, editors ofthree-cent newspapers, and learned litterateurs, whose names, according to sundry malicious writers, it is come the fashion of theday to reflect in one mirror. 

In the "Polite Speech Maker" will be found such sentences as "thetranquilized glory of our glorious country, " and "the undyingbeauties, that starry emblem, our flag, awakens in our heart ofhearts;" and sundry others, equally abstruse, but no less essentialto the objects of primary meetings. The author of this invaluablework is my learned friend and very erudite scholar, Dr. Easley. Andas some readers hold the study of an author of much more importancethan his book, I may be excused for saying here that no one can takeup one and forget the other, since literature, as is there setforth, was never before either blessed or encumbered with so great adoctor. 

My library and outfit being complete, my mother, having provided mewith a yellow waistcoat and white plush hat out of her privatepurse, gave an evening party in honor of my departure. ParsonStebbins, the doctor of a neighboring village, (not Easley, for hehad set up his fortunes in New York, ) and sundry bright-eyed damselsof my acquaintance, were invited, and came accompanied by theirsturdy parents. The last jar of jam and applesauce was stormed, thetwo fattest pullets in the yard brought to the block, choice minceand pumpkin pies were propounded, three dollars were expended upon acitron cake such as Cape Cod had never seen before, and no less thana dozen bottles of Captain Zeke Brewster's double refined cider wasgot of Major Cook, the grocer. Stronger beverages were held inquestionable respect by the Cape folks. My mother did, indeed, busyherself for nearly two days in the preparation of this supper, declaring at the same time that she would not be outdone by anyhousewife this side of Barnstable at least. Nor did she heed myfather, who continued the while muttering his misgivings. 

The stars shone out bright on the night of the party, which passedoff to the delight of every one present. The fowls, and the pies, and the jam and apple-sauce, and a dish of tea the parson declaredcould not be excelled, were all discussed with great cheerfulness. My father, as was his custom, drew his chair aside after supper, andengaged two of his guests in religious conversation, while thedoctor and the parson got into a corner, and soon became deeplyabsorbed in a question of law, which they debated over the cider. 

No sooner had my mother set her table to rights than she, with anair of motherly watchfulness, drew her chair beside the damsels, with whom I was exchanging the gossip of the Cape, and enteredcheerfully into our conversation. 

More than one of the bright eyed and ruddy cheeked damsels gave outhints that led me to believe they would have accompanied me on myjourney and shared the fortunes of my career. Nor did their hintsdisturb my mother, whose mind was too pure to conceive theirattentions aught else than blessings. And thus, with an abundance ofgood cheer, and the interchange of those civilities so common tovillagers, and the singing of an orthodox hymn or two, in which myfather joined, while the doctor and the parson continued theirdiscussion over the cider, passed one of those rustic eveningparties so characteristic of Cape Cod. 

Half-past nine o'clock arrived, and it being an hour of bedtimereligiously kept by the villagers, the bright eyed damsels and theirchaperons, each in turn, shook me warmly by the hand, congratulatedmy mother on having a son so daring, lisped words of encouragementin my ear, and took an affectionate leave. Among them there was oneAltona Marabel, the daughter of a worthy fisherman. This damsel hada face of exquisite beauty; and her great lustrous eyes and blushingcheeks had caused me many a sigh. And now I saw that her heart beatin unison with mine, for the words good-by hung reluctant upon herlips. Nay, more, she would have sealed the love she bore me with atear, for as she shook my hand it came like a pearl in her eye, andshe wiped it away lest it write the tale of her heart upon thecrimson of her cheek. 

Neither the doctor nor the parson were disturbed at the departure ofthe rest of the company; for they continued to praise the quality ofthe cider and debate the question of law until my father went into adeep sleep, from which he was disturbed by the parson, who, inresponse to an invitation from the doctor, commenced singing a songfor the entertainment of my mother. Such joviality was uncommon withthe parson, and so surprised and astonished my father, that heintimated to the doctor that it would not be amiss to get him home. Being something of a wag, the doctor intended to vanquish the parsonwith the cider, and then perform certain mischievous tricks with hisfeatures. But this my father, who was not given to sporting with theweaknesses of others, prevented, by ordering my mother to lock upthe six remaining bottles. "We might debate the question untildaylight, but I could not convince you, " spake the parson, risingfrom his chair on finding the bottles empty, and rather fussilyadjusting his spectacles, "it is not expected that law is a part ofyour profession. "

The doctor being a well bred and courteous man, bowed and held hispeace. Indeed, he saw that the parson's intellect was somewhatderanged; hence he held it more becoming a Christian to tender hisservices in conducting him to his home, which was some two milesoff. The parson now took me by the hand, and having looked me in theeye steadily for nearly a minute, addressed me as follows: "You, young man, I am afraid, have got a dangerous turn of mind. Many isthe young man that has been hurried to destruction by a too daringand adventurous spirit. But if your resolution to go out upon theworld in search of fame is not to be shaken by anything I say, thenI would enjoin you always to so fence up your character that thedevil and slander-loving editors cannot pick holes in it. Pray much. Let no one tempt you with mild drinks, for such only lead to thetaking of stronger ones. Go regularly to church, but let not youreyes fall upon the faces of pretty women so that your ears be sealedto the sermon. Never make love to another man's wife. Remember thiswhen you are a great man, for with them it is become a fashion. Letruffians go their own way. Let gentlemen be your companions, andnever fail to show them that you can at least be their equal incourteous demeanor. Always pay your washerwoman; be not ashamed toacknowledge your father, and remember that the fonder you speak ofyour mother, the more you will be beloved by strangers. Avoidpoliticians, who are come to be great vagabonds, who drink badliquor and give their thoughts to base designs against the nation'sgold. If you become great and valorous, historians will no doubtdefame you, and lay crimes of which you were innocent at your door, as is common with them. But you must bear what they say of you withChristian fortitude, remembering, always, that it is a delight withthem to tear greatness from its high throne. " The parson lookedwisely in my face as he said this, and shook his head warningly. "Most of all, " he continued, "never permit yourself to fall into thehands of treasury swindlers, money changers, and malicious editors, who will set you up as the only fit person to be President of theseUnited States, though you have not a single qualification necessaryto the office. For they, being tricky men, will be sure to let youdown with the same facility they took you up; and when yourancestors, down to the third and fourth generations are dug up, (asit has become necessary to do, ) and their character, together withyour own, made blacker than the ink they seek to damage oneanother's character with, they will be the first to declare theywere mistaken in you-that you were not the man they took you for. "

The parson said many other things of a like character, out which Idid not think worth writing down in my memory. He then shook handswith my mother and father, expressed his surprise at the lateness ofthe hour to the doctor, and took his leave, meeting with a strangemishap on his way home, which will be related in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER III. 

IN WHICH IS RELATED A PLEASANT MEETING WITH A RENOWNED MAJOR. 

EARLY on the following morning, before the sun had hung the easternsky with golden mists, my mother was astir, and in due time had aplain but substantial breakfast prepared. And, too, I heard myfather muttering his misgivings in an adjoining chamber. My valise, nicely packed and strapped, stood by the door; this I thought acontrivance of my father to shake my resolution. Indeed I mustconfess that whenever my eye rested upon it, an emotion of regretmoved me, and my fancy filled with an hundred perils that seemedincident to my career. The earnestness of my mother, however, alwaysrestored me to confidence. Her motto was, never despond, nor sitidly at home, when fame and fortune are to be gained by goingabroad. She did everything with great cheerfulness of manner, andthough the frosts of fifty winters had made snow-white the hairs ofher head, and plowed their furrows deep into her oval face, therewas a vigor in her action that might have excited the envy of youth. 

Though I could not suppress the effect of those reminiscences ofhome, which on the eve of departure from it, rise up and disturb thefeelings, no sooner was breakfast over than I shouldered my valise, and with my father on my left, and my mother on my right, salliedforth to the garden gate, where we halted before taking a lastparting. The favorite watch-dog, Tray, who had gamboled with me inmy boyhood, and held himself worthy of protecting me in his oldage, followed us, wagging his tail in evident delight at theprospect of bearing me company. A soft breeze fanned over the beach, the dew-dripping rose bushes, that lined the green-topped picketfence, waved their tops to and fro, the sparrows whistled and sung, and wooed, as if Providence had made them for that alone; and allnature seemed putting on her gayest attire to inspire me withresolution. 

"My son, " said my father, grasping me tightly by the hand, as thewords trembled upon his lips, and the breeze played with his graylocks, and his eyes filled with tears, "if go you must, be a man inall things; but heed not the sayings of men who talk loudest ofbeing your friends. "

"Why should he not go, daddy?" replied my mother, who was accustomedto addressing him in this manner. "Be your own judge of the world, my son, nor ever think bad of it until you have made your virtues anexample to others, for they who condemn the world most have least tolay at its door. " She then took my hand affectionately, and aftergently rebuking my father for his attempt, as she styled it, toexcite me to melancholy, which she held to be a great enemy toyouth, kissed me and bade me adieu. And I set out, taking the roadto Barnstable. They both leaned over the little gate, and twiceexchanged adieus with me, as I turned to have a last look at allthat had been so dear to my childhood. Faithful old Tray bore mecompany, and wagged his tail approvingly, and the rose tree tops, asI fancied, waved me a God speed; and the wind whispered joyously;and the birds flirted and sported before me on the sandy road, andtuned their songs to the temper of my feelings. 

Between me and Tray there existed the uninterrupted friendship of alifetime, the recollections of which I have sometimes thought ofwriting for the benefit of future generations, seeing that to writeone's recollections, (to which may be added the recollections ofothers, ) is become extremely fashionable. Tray had been my companionin many an adventure, all of which I thought he at this momenttreasured in his memory, and would have recounted were he possessedof the power of speech. Having ascended a piece of rising ground, about a mile from the house, I sat down by the road side, intendingto take leave of him and send him back, according to the request ofmy mother. He immediately planted himself close by my side, laid hisgreat paw incessantly upon my knee, and, with looks of regret, wouldhave expressed the friendship he bore me with caresses. Indeed thereseemed a hidden goodness in his heart, a nobleness that caused thecurrent of his friendship to flow with much gentleness, and asingleness in his mute appeals to my approbation, that I could nothelp contrasting with the insincerity of those dogs who go about theworld on two legs, and imagine themselves most valiant whendevouring one another. 

After resting for a few minutes, and casting a longing look over thescene behind me, recalling, as it did, so many old associations, Itold Tray that we must part; and that as he was now well down inyears, perhaps we should never more meet again. He seemed tounderstand all I said to him, and, as I patted him gently upon thehead, repaid my friendship by caressing my hand, and turning upon meseveral sympathetic looks. On telling him that he must go home, hehung his head, and drooped his tail, and moved slowly into the road, several times halting and casting reluctant looks back. Then hestretched himself down in the sand, and placing his head between hisgreat paws, watched me out of sight. 

Having journeyed about two miles, I reached a cross-road, and sawapproaching one of those great wagons familiarly known in that partof the country as "tin wagons. " It was drawn by an exceedingly lean, gray horse; and a short, fat man, with a broad, florid face, beamingwith good nature, was mounted upon a high seat, made of a bundle ofsheepskins. He was squint eyed, spacious mouthed, and had a nosethat was flat to the end, which turned up in a short pug. His hairwas of a sandy color, and parted carelessly down the center; and hisdress was of well-worn gray satinet, which sat loosely upon hisrotund figure. His hat, of soft black felt, was drawn well down overhis low forehead, and but for his beard, which was thick and matty, one might easily have mistaken him for a cross between a Dutchwasherwoman and a pumpkin-bellied quaker. 

His team moved along at a measured pace, as if keeping time to thesong he was singing, with great flow of spirits, for his ownentertainment. I waited until he came up, much amused at the mannerin which he every few minutes cracked his big whip. "Stranger!" saidhe, in a shrill, squeaking voice, "which way are youjourneying?-what can I do to serve you this morning?" He reined uphis team, and dismounting in a trice, extended his hand with aheartiness I was surprised to find in a stranger. "Jedediah Smooth, the renowned fisherman, is my father, and I have set out in searchof fame and fortune, " was my reply. At this he set his small, butsearching eyes upon me, and seemed confounded, the cause of which Iwas not a little anxious to learn. 

"Son of the worthiest of fathers!" he exclaimed, in a voice of greatearnestness, "my delight at meeting one whose fame as a politicianhas preceded him, knows no bounds. " Again he shook my handfervently, as a pleasing delirium seemed to have seized upon hissenses. "Accidents are sometimes equal to conquests, " he continued. "Know, then, that you confront Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonlycalled Major Roger Potter. Like a titillation of the fancy, I havebeen thrown up and down by the tide of political fortune andmisfortune until I became sickened of it, and resolved to seekobscurity, and live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and suchwares as the good people of this remote part of the world might havea demand for. You must not judge me by the calling necessity has nowforced me to follow, for I hold it right, and in strict accordancewith the nature of our institutions, that when fortune forsakes us, we stand not upon the order of a reputation, which at best is but apoor thing in time of need, but give ourselves manfully to any laborby which our hands may preserve the honesty of our heads. It is muchbetter, I think, than following the fashion of our politicians, whoreward the people who send them to Congress by neglecting their dutyto the country, and studying those arts by which they canappropriate to themselves the choicest spoils. "

The Major now led his team a little out of the road, hung his feedbag to his horse's head, and while the animal was eating, spread asheepskin upon the ground, under some elder bushes, and invited meto sit down to a plentiful supply of crackers and cheese, to whichhe added a quart of cider drawn from a small keg he kept secretedunder his box. He also discovered to me the fact, that in additionto every variety of tin ware, mop handles, washboards, crimpingmoulds, and wooden faucets, he kept a small supply of fourth proofbrandy, which he sold to those who had a want in that line forwinter strained sperm oil, a name convenient enough to suit allpurposes. In truth, the good people of the neighboring villages hadtaken so strongly to the temperance cause, that no spiritousliquors could be got of anybody but the doctor, and then only on acertificate from the parson, who vouched for your good character, and set forth that to the best of his belief, it would be used onlyas a medicine. And the doctor, who had a scrupulous regard for allgood and well regulated communities, took a joint interest with theparson, and so raised the price of this sort of medicine as to makethe trade an extremely lucrative one. But as the rich were neverknown to be denied, and the poor had not money enough to enjoy soexpensive a cure for their maladies, which were greatest in number, the popular enactment became not only a grievous, but a veryoppressive monopoly. And this monopoly the major, who esteemedhimself a great public benefactor, sought a cure for in selling forthree shillings a pint, an article equal in quality to that forwhich the doctor and the parson demanded ten. But this, he said, very good naturedly, he was compelled to do on the sly, for thoughhis customers were principally poor people, if it got noised abroad, nothing could save him from the fury of a mob of pious and veryorderly people, who would get up town meetings and vote him down anintolerable nuisance. This done, and the market for his tin pintsand washboards would be closed for ever. 

Having refreshed ourselves with the crackers and cheese and cider, the Major very pleasantly commenced recounting a little affair ofhonor he had been called upon to adjust but a few minutes before, and as he was proud of his skill as a diplomatist, the recitalafforded him an infinite amount of pleasure. 

"Parsons and doctors, " said he, taking a copious cup of cider, "nodoubt imagine themselves (and they have an undisputed right so todo) to be the very embodiment of natural benevolence and inviolablefidelity. But there are things of an opposite nature, to which theirhearts and inclinations are as susceptible as those of the tenderestvirgins. I was pursuing my journey this morning, when 'old Battle, 'my horse, who has smelled powder enough to make his nerves moresteady, pricked up his ears at something he saw in the bushes by theroadside. Reining him up, I dismounted, and to my great surprisediscovered two well-dressed men fast asleep, locked in each other'sarms. 'Faith of my father!' says I, 'who's here?' A slightlyguttural sound was followed by a hoarse voice answering, 'It's onlyme. ' And then a lean figure, with two well-blacked eyes, and a faceotherwise disfigured, disconnected itself from its fellow, rose toits haunches, and stared at me with wild dismay. A white neckcloth, somewhat besmeared with blood, denoted his profession. On coming tohis senses he aroused his companion, and commenced charging him withbeing the cause of the sad plight he was in. Neither seemed to havea very distinct recollection of the event that had founed them in acondition so disgraceful to them as respectable citizens; and theother protested his innocence of any misdemeanor, but was equally ata loss how to account for the disfigured face of his companion, andwas about charging the whole affair to a dispensation of Providence, that being the most convenient and fashionable method for disposingof such things. But the man of the disfigured face, who was no lessa person than Parson Stebbins, (and his companion the doctor, ofwhom mention was made in the foregoing chapter, ) clung tenaciouslyto what he was pleased to call his love of facts, and said he wouldcome out with it all, that the truth of history might not beimpeached. 

"They had been spending the evening at your father's house, and wereregaled with cider of such uncommon strength as to make a deepimpression upon their sensibilities. The doctor declared theydrank nothing stronger, notwithstanding the parson accused him ofhaving a small flask in his pocket. It was late when they left thehouse; and as they had been warmly discussing whether it was rightin the sight of God to hang a woman for killing her drunken husband, without coming to any decision, they agreed to change the subject toone of a theological character, it being absolutely necessary thatthey have something to debate on their way home. The doctor inquiredof the parson, what he thought of the doctrine held by many populardivines, that God made Moses and Elijah visible to the Apostles onthe occasion of the transfiguration. The parson, after pausing a fewmoments, and remarking that he had a curious feeling in his head, which seemed to sit unsafely upon his shoulders, replied that thequestion was of too abstruse a nature to be debated by any butmembers of his own profession, to which it of right belonged. If hewere to speak his mind it would be to give doctors in general novery high reputation for either morals or religion. 'True historynever gave them much mention; and though Aristotle had treated theirvagaries with great condescension, Cicero never could be got to lookwith favor upon them. Yours is a mischievous profession, the membersof which are always seeking the demolition of useful sciences. ' Thisthe parson said in so angry a tone that it excited the pugnacity ofthe doctor, who was scrupulous of his profession, and declared hewould not stand by and hear it slandered. 

"They had now staggered among some laurel bushes at the side of theroad, when the doctor, having inquired if the parson meant anythingpersonal, and not receiving an immediate answer, fetched him a blowthat felled him to the ground, and almost simultaneously followedhim. And now so great was his fear of having done him bodily injury, that he seized him in his arms, and, thus embraced, they had sleptuntil I disturbed them. Each now commenced giving a confused versionof the affair, criminating and recriminating in a manner that onlyserved to increase the disgrace to which it attached. The doctorprotested his innocence of the deed, while the parson continued todiscant upon the consequences that would result from thedisfiguration of his features. At the same time they both intimatedtheir readiness to have me sit in judgment upon their affairs, andaccept my decision as final. 

"When they had put on their hats I bid them sit down upon amoss-covered hillock, and hold their peace. Having done this withgreat good nature, I seated myself on an opposite one, and commencedto deliberate upon their case. The state of debility in which theyhad unfortunately found themselves on the previous night must, doubtless, be put down to the strength of the cider. The debility, then, being acknowledged, neither could be held accountaable to theother for acts committed while morally insane. As to the imputationcast upon the medical profession by the parson, even were it donewhen the mind was morally sane, it ought only to be set down to thenatural envy existing among members of different professions, andwas much to be deplored, for instead of one being ambitious to claima superiority over the other, they ought to regard themselvescoworkers in equally good causes, and for the advancement of acommon humanity. In order to settle the questions they had attemptedto debate, I proposed that they adopt the rule laid down by ournoisy Congressmen, each being satisfied in his own mind that he haddemolished the arguments of the other, and for ever settled thequestion at issue. The battering they had given each other was athing of the past. Was it not better then to let a bygone be abygone, rather than seek a technical satisfaction, that while itafforded the public some amusement would only bring themselves agreat deal of pain? They could no more recall the past than theycould make a set of rules for governing the appetites of the people. There were always simpletons enough to believe that they could becured of consumption by taking such nostrums as cod liver oil andWistar's Balsam; so also would the world always be pestered with mensimple enough to believe that every man must square his inclinationsto the measure of their own. But one point now remained to bedeliberated upon, and that was how the doctor should atone to theparson for his damaged face. I, however, soon overcame this, bysuggesting that it would be no more than right, and equally becomingof a Christian, that the parson accept the doctor's deep regrets inoffset for the injuries he had received in his features. This theparson, who was not to be outdone in his benevolence of soul, readily acquiesced in; and thus was saved the trouble of calling inthe aid of a lawyer, who, with no earthly hope of restoring thebroken peace, would have made destructive inroads upon both theirpockets. The two now shook hands, and with expressions of thehighest esteem for each other, thanked me and took their departurefor home. "

I had my suspicions that this story was a romance of the Major's ownmanufacture; nor were my suspicions dispelled by any subsequent actof his. And notwithstanding he was ready at all times to redress thewrongs of thirsty humanity, he kept a sharp eye to the equivalent, and had an inveterate hatred of all who opposed his free tradeprinciples, which, in a measure, accounted for the story of thedoctor and the parson. In truth, he had the facility of an Arab formanufacturing romances, which he used as a means to demolish hisenemies, as will hereafter be shown in this history. 

CHAPTER IV. 

MAJOR ROGER POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EXPLOITS IN WAR ANDPOLITICS. 

HAVING finished the story with great sincerity of manner, the majorcommenced to brighten and polish up his face with his handkerchief, and to pack away his provender. This done, he bridled old Battle, his horse, arranged his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mountand ride with him; for no sooner had I discovered to him the objectof my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest of fellows, offering to be my companion in arms, and the sharer of my fortunes. Three loud cracks of the whip, and old Battle started off at a briskpace, the major adding that if we made haste we would reachBarnstable by nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, acackling noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance; thisI found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, which themajor had bought on speculation, and fastened to the back of hiswagon, intending to make a good thing by selling them for Shanghaiswhenever he could find a customer. 

"Now, although I know you so well by reputation, you may not haveheard so much of me as many others have. It is no great thing for amajor like me to be engaged in this sort of business, you willthink; but an honest living made by vending tin is better than afortune gained by fingering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I haveoften thought a man was never so great as when he condescended tomake his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered myself tofortune, and am what some would call 'down in the world. ' But I havebeen up, and made a noise, and will make more when next I get up. "These remarks were delivered with such evident self-conceit, that Iwas at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the majorto explain himself. 

After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, "My father, (heis gone, God bless him, ) was an honest shoemaker in the town ofBarnstable, where I was born and reared. Being poor, he could notgive me much schooling; but we lived comfortably, and enjoyed therespect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of makingshoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, being esteemed askillful mechanic. Joining the Barnstable Invincibles, a verydisorderly militia company, I was twice elected its captain, whichwas considered a very good practical joke, the militia there beingin very bad odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town. To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunatecircumstances of my life-that of getting a wife. And this wife, though she bore my title the strongest love, was quite as good as Ideserved. In due time we were blessed with one, and then anotherlittle Potter, and I began to thank heaven for making me thehappiest of men. A snug little home was the result of frugality andindustry, and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of mymilitary reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for taking ahigher position in the world. I must tell you that she cut twoclever speeches from an old newspaper, declaring that I must studythem, so that with a few alterations, (an art well understood by ourclergymen and politicians, ) I could set up for a public man, makingthem apply to all great questions with equal force. 

"Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I afterwards hadreason to know, well understood how to push her husband up in theworld. I got the speeches down without the slightest difficulty. "Here the major wet his organs of speech with a little of somethinghe kept in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. "They werefu l of blaze. In truth, I may say without fear of contradiction, that a dozen patriots might have found room to roll up in them anddie gloriously. Still, it didn't seem to me much for a man to get aspeech into his head; so, after getting another, I found nodifficulty in getting twenty, all of which were applicable togeneral subjects. The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread withgreat virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that JohnCrispin threw away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan hung up his anvil, and both went about the country delivering themselves of greatspeeches, with which they deluded the simple-minded villagers, whoforced greatness upon them at every step. And so forcibly did theopinion that they were great men take root with the good naturedmass, that the great men of the newspapers, and the kind-heartedcritics, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and set them downfor wonders. The ambition of my wife now knew no bounds. Sheinsisted that I should go to the next political meeting, and thenand there deliver one of the speeches I had got into my head, andwhich I had twice spoken before her, that the variations might besquared to the occasion. My shoe bench I sold for a trifle, and mypegs and awls were consigned to the children for playthings. TheTippecanoe side of politics being the most popular, as well asprofitable, I tied to it at once; and on going to the "Coon-meeting"surprised and astonished every one with the power and arguments ofmy speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into greatness withthe quickness of lightning. Neither Cicero nor Lycurgus were ever, in their day, thought so well of by the multitudes. It got noisedabout that Webster would have to give up to me. And I am sure thatif the elder Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would havebeen set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they werecapable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison. "

Here the major paused to make room for the Provincetown stage; agreat yellow coach, full of passengers, which we had come uponsuddenly. The driver of the stage, not liking the slow pace in whichold Battle was proceeding to make room for him, laid his whipbriskly over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving themajor into a furious passion. The sudden twitch landed us both uponthe sandy road, under the pile of sheepskins we had used for a seat. In this dilemma the major called loudly for assistance, swearingthat if the stage driver would but stop he would give him battle tohis satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of thepassengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous driver, nowlooking round and making grimaces at his adversary. The major, however, was not long in extricating himself from the sheepskins, when, for want of a better weapon, he seized a string of tin pints, and running as fast as his short legs would carry him, hurled themone after another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford thepassengers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the majorswore by his military reputation that if they would only give him anopportunity he would whip the stageload before breakfast, and thinkit a mere trifle. The coach now rolled out of sight, and the majorsat down by the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups, which like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would notdo to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up his nether garments, and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting their bruises as hestrung them upon his string. Finding that we sustained no other lossthan that of the major's temper, I set his team to rights, and, having mounted the sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on ourjourney. "Such an insult as that offered to me when I was in theMexican war, " said he, mounting over the wheel with one of thoseexpletives much used among soldiers, "and I had demolished the lotat a stroke of my sword. Zounds! why can't stage drivers begentlemen?"

This was the first intimation I had had of his being a hero of theMexican war. Regaining his good humor soon after, I resigned him thereins, and he desired me to tell him at what point of his story hehad been interrupted. Having done this, he resumed its thread as oldBattle jogged on at his usual slow pace. "I now took up the trade ofpolitics, " he continued, "and went about the country, makingspeeches and demolishing everything that came in my way. I had ideasenough for any number of speeches, no matter what the length mightbe; but the evil was how to put the sentences together. I could makepoints such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as forpatriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a dozen platformsat my fingers' ends, and could move an audience equal to Lamartine. Here then was my game, and at it I made a nice thing. The editor ofthe "Provincetown Longbow, " who was celebrated for making at leasttwo Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that it waslucky for the era that my great wisdom had been discovered; that itwould be a great wrong in General Harrison to offer me any lessoffice than Secretary of State. The "Barnstable Pocketbook, " aclever little sheet, edited by Miss Holebrook, who snapped herpolitical whip in the teeth of the town, and had come off conquerorin many a tilt with editors in breeches, was willing to compromisewith he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers that only two years'study of law would make me an excellent judge of the Supreme Court. These well bestowed encomiums, (as I think they are called, ) soelated my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, towhich all the majors and generals of the town were invited. And asthey demolished the hospitality of her teacups they made her believethe nation never could get along unless I had two fingers in itsaffairs. 

"My children, before as distasteful as the butter one gets in NewYork hotels, were now so sweet that the whole town wanted to kissthem. And the parson, who had scarcely been known to say, 'how doyou do, Mrs. Potter, ' now made his calls so frequent, and his bowsso gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to have aneye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for each speech. Now andthen an inspired soul threw in an extra five. So that at the end oftwo months I had funds enough to establish a bank in Wall street, with three branches in the country. My credit, too, received anunlimited extension. And this my wife took advantage of to newfurnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. I contentedmyself with drawing on the tailor for two suits of his bestbroadcloth, such as would appertain to a politician sodistinguished. But in truth I must confess, without blushing, thatmy wife was not long in contracting debts a richer man would havefound difficulty in paying. 

"However, having cleared away all doubts and elected Harrison, whomI was careful to see safe into the arms of the people, my friendsall advised me to set out for Washington, where such abilities as Ihad discovered could not fail of being rewarded by the governmentthey had so ably served. 

"As a military title was held indispensable to the success of apolitician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me Major, an honorwhich could not be overlooked by the politicians at Washington, whose business it is to give offices and save the Union. So, withthe praises of two newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I setout for Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in theexercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at least aforeign mission. "

CHAPTER V. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLITICIANS AND OTHER NEWYORK VAGABONDS. 

HAVING paused a few moments to moisten his lips, for the day wasexcessively warm, the Major spoke a few encouraging words to oldBattle, and resumed his story. 

"If wisdom becometh the great, money is not to be despised by thepolitician, I thought. So, having stocked my purse with not lessthan two hundred dollars, I arrived safely in New York and put up atthe Astor House, an hotel in high favor with ex-secretaries anddilapidated politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts thehonor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of hisbills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor and strangenessof everything around bewildered and confused me so much, that Iforgot to put the prefix of 'Major' to my name, when I registered itin the big book. And this single omission had the effect ofconsigning me to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimatedan objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it wasthe most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a firebreaking out I could use the sky-light, and, having gained the roof, would be rescued by the firemen with their scaling ladders; whereas, a lower position would render me liable to be blockaded and devouredby the rush of flames. I told the polite waiter, who was a giftedIrishman, and though not four months in the country, had taken topolitics like a rat to good cheese, that he was entitled to mythanks for the information. An intimation, however, that I was aMajor of some renown, surprised the gifted Irishman not a little. That he conveyed the news to my worthy host I had not a doubt, sinceon the following day I was removed to a spacious room on the secondstory. 

"On descending to the great supper room, I was accosted by oneGeneral John Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, who congratulated me onmy safe arrival in the city. Being extremely easy in his manners, and apparently ready to render me services of no mean importance, Iinvited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he was notslow to accept. Being much impressed with his dignity of manner, andthe glibness with which he discoursed upon the events of the lastcampaign, I listened to him with profound respect. He said he wouldsee that my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a few ofwhich he assured me he had full control over. In fine, nothing thatcould serve the interests of one who had made himself so famousduring the late campaign was to be left undone. He knew every speechI had made by heart, as he said; and he had the name of every town Ihad been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were hisaccomplishments, that I at once set him down for one of those greatmen, in the possession of whom New York is more fortunate than hersister cities, and of whose merits strangers, for divers reasons, have had occasion to speak with great confidence. 

"When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my arrival and given anundoubted history of my doings in politics, I was to be introducedto the Collector and Postmaster, both of whom, though differing withme on great national questions, would receive me as became gentle-men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City Hall, in presenceof the Common Council, and review the police, which body of men hadbecome, under the new order of things, more devoted to beards andbrandy than the good order of the city. He said I must be carefulnot to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they weresure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say nothing of theirlately adopted art of making invitations a means of supplying theirown wants in the article of liquor. And as drinking had become theirmost distinguishing characteristic, perhaps it would not be amiss todefend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smallerpoliticians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to conferwith them at the bar, and left the settlement to be arranged betweenthem and the host. 

"On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to say he wouldshow me over the city. He could not, however, introduce me to theCoon-club that night, seeing that it had adjourned and gone on afrolic. Only too glad to accept the services of a companion sovaluable, I joined him, and we were soon at the door of the BroadwayTheater, where the General, to his great surprise, discovered thatin the change of his vest that evening (he had foregone the pleasureof a very fashionable party in the Fifth Avenue to do me amplehonor) he had omitted to replace his purse. I begged he would notmention it, drawing forth the required sum. With great apparentmortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and consider itall right in the morning. This I was only too glad to have the honorof doing. 

"An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of which was laid ineach of the four quarters of the globe, (and if there had been afifth, the cunning author would have had an act for it, ) wasproceeding at a stormy pace, the principal character beingpersonated by a gentleman of color, the audience, I thought, weretrying to emulate in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed tohave an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to no less thantwenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose good opinion, he said, itwas well to cultivate, and many other persons, not one of whom wasless than a major-general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhatcelebrated for its courageous marching and counter-marching upBroadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the military heroes ofNew York I knew but little; nor was I well acquainted with theaccomplishments necessary to her judges: but it was impossible tosuppress the thought, that if soliciting treats of strangers wereregarded as a qualification, they could not be beaten, though thewhole Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their dutiesin taking care of the Union, that their faces had assumed a deeppurple color. 

"Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exertion, reachedwhat was called the 'third tier, ' which lofty domain was, by thegenerosity of the manager, set apart for damsels whose modesty andcircumspection would not permit of their occupying seats in thedress circle. I, however, noticed in them an audacity of manner thatdid not appertain to such artless beings as my companion would haveme believe them. It struck me, too, that the toilet of these artlessdamsels was not what it should be. Indeed, there was an extravaganceof color, and scantiness at both ends of their drapery, that both mymother and grandmother would have set down as in extremely badtaste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, by informingme that the toilet of these artless damsels, so bright in color andscanty in places, was in strict keeping with the standard of fashionadopted by the very best society, which was to be more undressedthan dressed, that the devil-who always wanted to look in-might seefor himself. 

"What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emotions, I might, myfriend said, make up in the color of my imagination. They were allthe daughters of rich bankers in Wall Street; hence no one had aright to interfere with their mode of dress. Stewart, at whoseshrine of satins and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped, owed his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although he hadfilled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and was preparing athird for the great number of wives whose constancy he had crushedout with the high price of his laces, no one was simpleton enough toblame him. No matter how many sins of extravagant men he might haveto answer for, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, and thegood will of Brown, would secure his redemption. Stewart was a herowhose deeds should be recorded in history, and to whose memory amonument ought to be raised in every fashionable graveyard; and uponwhich it would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, thesexton. 

"My companion said he would (and he did) introduce me to several ofthese daughters of rich bankers, which was very kind of him. Theunrestrained quality of their speech at first struck me as being alittle curious, such indeed as I was not accustomed to; but I foundthem extremely easy to become acquainted with, and in nowiseprudish. They did, however, keep up a suspicious intimacy with abrilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly scented, saloon onthe left. In this I was assured there was nothing improper, inasmuchas it was sanctioned by the customs of the best society in New York, and much frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen. 

"One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the filaments ofmy heart with joy, condescended to express an enthusiasticadmiration for my watch-chain, while another very modestly said shewould owe me a lasting obligation if I would lend her my watch, thatshe might wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was invitedby one of the managers. She pledged her honor, of which she seemedto have a large stock, to return it safe. As it was the first favorshe had ever condescended to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure Icould not deny a lady. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankersand their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in thisinstance, and charge to my poverty what might otherwise seem a wantof generosity. She said she would sing to me, and be the light of mydreams; but even this failed to impress me with a due respect forher desires. With that penuriousness characteristic of bankers, their papas, it was clear, had not stocked their purses with changeenough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice-water andsomething in it. 

"It was clear they took me for a country bumpkin instead of a greatpolitician, and were inclined to make much of my excess ofsimplicity. Motioning my companion that it was time to be going, Iexpressed the great delight their company had afforded me, and tookmy leave, promising to pay them another visit at no very distantday. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose deportment did notseem to square with that which I had been accustomed to associatewith great generals. But he was tailored and barbared after themanner of gentlemen, and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue. 

"On turning to depart, my companion reminded me that it wascustomary on such occasions for all distinguished persons to presenteach of the artless young ladies with a golden dollar, which theypreserved as a fund, intending, when it became sufficiently large, to start a 'Journal of Civilization, ' in which the literature ofother lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. The'Journal of Civilization' was not to be considered a reflex of freebrains, but rather as a reflex of free stealing, which was to beadvocated at great length in its columns. Its general departmentwould, my companion told me, be devoted to the histories of greathistorians, commencing with Jacob Abbot and ending with PeterParley. Of its politics not much was to be said, seeing that theywere written by my learned friend, Doctor Easley, author andcompiler of 'The Polite Speech Maker, ' and ought never to be takenas meaning what they said. Sharpeye and Scissors were to be honoredwith the post of general editors; and the musical department, whichit was intended should be strong enough to drown all weakinstruments, had been consigned to three magnificent harpers, whowere capable of climbing a gamut of any number of notes. Neither hadtuned their harps very extensively to home literature, the love theybore it being of the chastest kind; and though they were capable ofconferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned a deaf earto all its cries and distresses. 

"Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow from thisJournal of Prospective Civilization, nor having any great faith inthe quality of civilization stolen literature would confer upon anation, I preferred to distinguish my generosity by a more nationaland less tricky example. This, I observed, did not give satisfactionto the damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and nodoubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me. 

"When we had reached the street my companion very modestly saidthere were not less than a thousand curious places a politicianshould visit before being qualified for taking a high position amonghis fellows. Many of these were established for the benefit of poormen in pursuit of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could notbe got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. First, he said, he would introduce me to the high priest of the Pewter Mug, which was the Star Chamber of Tammany, though many simple-mindedpeople residing in the rural districts had mistaken it for the placein which Mr. Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated starletters. No famous politician or statesman ever visited New Yorkwithout scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy himself, who, notwithstanding his grievous fault of quoting great authors, wouldbe written down in history as a knight of diplomatists, had beenheard to say (he was a frequenter of the Mug) that he owed theprofoundness of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages thereserved. And as the first dawn of his generosity was supposed to havebroken forth in this compliment to the accommodating high priest, itdid him infinite credit in the future. 

"A little reflection, however, produced a second thought. If I wereas invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could survive the process ofinitiation, for then I could enchant the faithful, who werepoliticians whose metal had been hardened in the furnaces of thecustom-house, and had passed enactments, which they enforced withgreat rigor, that no country-made politician should be admittedunless he could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandycobblers per day, and was able to treat each member to his dailyration of an equal number, for the space of two weeks. 

"Promising my companion that I would profit by his valuable hint, weturned into Duane Street, and, after groping our way up one of itswet and narrow alleys, halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidatedlittle house that seemed to have been ignominiously crammed inbetween two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was neverwanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can assert, but Iconfess that a sort of shaky sensation came over me just then. Thiswas observed by my companion, who hoped I would not be alarmed, since the place we had arrived at was nothing more than thecelebrated locofoco 'nest number three, ' the members of which hadtheir head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, and werevery respectable men, and good working politicians. A lessinquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Cod is acknowledged to be, could not have failed to discover the artifice. But my enthusiasmcarried away my discretion; and, after descending six slipperysteps, we came to a door upon which my companion gave two loudknocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in a tonguevery like the Tuscan, were interspersed with loud swearings, whichwere in turn diffused with curious whisperings. Another loud knock, and a peremptory demand from my companion, and the door wascautiously opened by a witchlike figure, the hideous face of whichprotruded apace, and then shrank quickly back, as if to present me acommentary of what I might expect within. 

"'Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you are made ofbe seen!' said my companion, as he stepped inside. The light of atallow candle, in the hand of a half-shirtless figure, with bruisedface and upright hair, discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteenfeet, and seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took forthe high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, so nimblydid he mount a little counter at the further end, and set toarranging his bottles and glasses, thinking, no doubt, that he hadcaught a customer of extensive generosity. The atmosphere was thickand gloomy; nor was it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwartfellows who lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskeybarrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, disfiguredfaces, and collapsed hats. 'Here, ' my friend said, 'is your trueworking politician, who has no fear of the infernal regions, andnever thinks of heaven. ' At a word from him, they rose to theirfeet, though not without an effort, and having given their hats anextra tip, and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought tohave been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my learnedfriend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized tumblers and rangedup to the counter, forming a most striking panorama of dejectedfaces. 'I love and reverence these men, ' said my companion, modestlysuggesting that I must do myself the honor of paying for theirmedicine, 'since they were extremely useful in absorbing the refuseliquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the respectabilityof the party to which they belong. Indeed, they are not the basefabric of the vision you might take them for; they are all pensionedmembers of the Empire Club, a very disorderly body of men, of whomit is said that no man can be elected President of the United Stateswithout first consulting their approbation. '

"They held their peace, and drank with great apparent experience. Idid not dispute my companion's assertion, that they had renderednoble service during many a campaign, and were capable of renderingmuch more; still, my opinion of politicians in general was in no wayheightened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their ends andaims at the last election, they now stood much in need of a trifle, with which to pay Bishop Hughes for praying a recently-deceasedbrother through purgatory, a service he never performed withoutfeeling the money safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howllike midnight wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into thestreet, where my companion soon joined me, saying it was a way theyhad of expressing a joke. Not being accustomed to the ways ofworking politicians of the New York school, I made my way as fast aspossible into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that mywatch had parted company with me. My companion was equallysurprised, offered me any number of regrets, and said he would goback and have every political vagabond arrested and locked up in theTombs, where, if his acquaintance with the judge was not of toointimate a nature, the thief would be detected and punished in themorning. 

"Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, satisfied him thatto seek redress by so bold a course would not be good policy. Thethief would have gone off with his booty, hence it would be betterto remain quiet until morning, when, having come back to holdconsultation with his fellows on some question of politics, as wascustomary with them, the services of a detective would do the rest. Just as we were debating this subject a well-dressed man advancedtoward us, and, stooping down, picked up a corpulent pocket-book, with the possession of which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend, 'said the man, 'I am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thouart the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany in themorning, and want not to be burdened with it. ' After an exchange ofcivilities that satisfied me he was a gentleman, I told him it wasnone of mine. He insisted however, that I take possession of it, andin the morning pursue measures to have it restored to its rightfulowner. " And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER VI. 

WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED. 

KNOWING how well modesty becomes greatness, I listened with profoundattention to the major's story. Every now and then he would relievemy feelings by suggesting that the most interesting part of it wasyet to come. We had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles undera burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside which themajor drew up his team, and, dismounting, proceeded to fill hisbucket. Having drank of the limpid water from one of his tin cups, and placed the bucket before old Battle, whom he patted with greatfondness, the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolatechickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping up anopera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. Uncovering hiscoop, which he carried at the tail of his wagon, he set two tin cupsof water before them, and scattered moistened meal at their feet, enjoining them to hold their peace in the future. And while in theact of doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted bysmall things, and however bemeaning the nursing of chickens might beregarded in a military man, there was in it a nobleness the greatonly could appreciate. The chickens, however, did not seem toappreciate his sacrifice of dignity, for they devoured their foodwith an increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his livestock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that his wares wereall safe, and then commenced singing a song, as if a transport ofjoy had suddenly come over him. "I tell you what it is, my friend, "said he, pausing in the middle of his tune, and drawing his favoriteflask from his breast pocket, "the world 'll think none the less ofus for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing courtly in theprofession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honorable enterprise, andhas its obstacles as well as other honorable enterprises. " Ibesought him not to make himself uncomfortable on my account; that Iwas not yet so famous that I could not ride over the country on atin-wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity. 

We now sat down by the spring together, and proceeded to refreshourselves with his crackers and cheese, to which I added anewly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, in the outpouring of hersimplicity, had slipped into my haversack; and while regalingourselves in this unpretending manner, the major, whose ardor wasrather increased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed therecital of his first adventure in New York: "Being desirous offacilitating the Quaker's honesty, my companion, General Fopp, suggested an easy way of disposing of the matter. The pocket-book, he said, no doubt contained an enormous amount, which the unluckyowner would be anxious to regain as early as possible in themorning, and to that end would advertise in all the newspapers, offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an inducement forhim to preserve his honesty. The first step then would be to find aconvenient place for counting the contents of the pocket-book, andconsidering the amount which could be properly offered the Quaker, as the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within myself forsome few minutes, I followed my companion and the Quaker into theback parlor of a cigar shop, where we carefully counted the greatroll of notes, and found the amount to be exactly four thousandthree hundred and twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum, together with papers of great value, showing the owner, one HenryPaterson, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, wereentrusted to my care. My companion expressed his inability to trusthimself with so large an amount of property, especially as theservants at his hotel were proverbially inclined to take libertieswith other people's goods. At my request, he said he thought twohundred and fifty dollars would be a moderate consideration, sincethe owner would no doubt value the restoration of his property attwice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum; but beinganxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet demeanor completely wonmy confidence, I produced one hundred and fifty dollars, which heaccepted, saying it was much more than he expected. My politicalcompanion said the air of contentment with which he accepted thereduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke him a worthygentleman. As a precaution I took a receipt for the amount, whichGreely Hanniford (for such was the Quaker's name) signed, and tookhis departure. My companion said he would do himself the honor ofcalling upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier hourbeing considered very unfashionable among military men. He wouldthen, if necessary, bear testimony to the transaction. It was nowtwelve o'clock, and bearing me company as far as the Astor Housesteps, he exchanged civilities and took his departure, having firstslipped a card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in neatletters, 'General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row. ' Pleasant-side Rowbeing a mystery to me, I retired to bed thinking of my first night'sadventure in our modern Babylon, and awoke early in the morning toregret that delay in the pursuit of my mission might cause grievousinjury to the nation. "

Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, the sun beingintense enough to dissolve both our brains, and the major cuttingshort the thread of his story by saying we would dine with Mrs. Trotbridge, whose house we ought to reach by high noon. 

"However, it was neither here nor there, " the major resumed; "I knewthat no military man of any distinction could escape the formalitiesand ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularlyenstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gavemyself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, andafter making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along theconfused labyrinth of passages, got down stairs. My first businesswas to search in all the morning papers for the man of the losttreasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed. Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival, with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged hishonor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. Icarefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though Idiscovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe, and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not agleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in myheart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties ofthose who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at thecurious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressedtheir readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to theTribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of itseditorials, nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, couldI find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed bythe knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistentinconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name;which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however, somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in theirtrue spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom, that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them downwith bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a greatpolitician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine(which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribunetwice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herselfdelighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defenseof the rights of her fifty first cousins. 

"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious torelieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed andsomewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quartereagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels hisshirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiatedsmiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me downfor a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and salutingme by my military title, inquired how many banks my companion of theadventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I rememberedthat the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, inaddition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no verydistant day, I would be president of these United States. 

"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which hepronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only inthe mischievous imagination of some knight of the order ofvagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, andhad fortified itself in a castle of brass. I stood as if transfixedto the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreignmission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man shouldhave so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk, however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in theworld was easier than to be a general in New York, and that theindividual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of thatparticular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed aboutall the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find itgood for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, wheretitles command better attention. As for the Quaker, GreelyHanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division. 

"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing theloss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind neveragain to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however, that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hatsof priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir, and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicioushistorians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were, ) put in allthe afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what thecunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded, with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a characterthat might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagaciousfellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as mypolitical history, and the political history of all my shoemakerancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is commonwith the learned men of our very republican press, expressed hisregret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victimof an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had beenvisiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favoriteresorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, thatthe least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that thedistinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carryoff his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a strangertoo late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said, the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character ofpoliticians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in themajor's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; buthe very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation toone in pursuit of a foreign mission. "

CHAPTER VII. 

IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES. 

"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity inmoulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds upbuildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and hadlaid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyesof all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all theyhad said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind abenefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make meany number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and tofollow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt itwould have been refused with splendid contempt. 

"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought thecharacter of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor, the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with whichsuch heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragementof catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winningmanners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, andotherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, hisHonor had been after him with all the courage of his police force. But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honorthought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of thecrime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street, that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifestinga strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was tooshrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who werecostly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sumlost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. Itherefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had mycharacter restored to me by the newspapers. 

"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only aharmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great publicman, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon withan appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouringmy character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows-quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained amagnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to aspirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out goodin some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it hadnothing in common with that generosity of soul which should ruleuniversal among men of letters. "

I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, forno sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready tooutdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellowtold his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirelyowing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people ofCape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war, another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning mymission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would addone jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nationabroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as tooverlook me. 

"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduousbusiness of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into theembraces of fashionable society. Brown, who digs graves for departedsinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy withdistinguished people, called to inquire what evenings I was'disengaged, ' seeing that he had several openings on his list, whichwas unusually select 'this week. ' He secured invitations to nothingbut the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptionsmerely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished. Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could begot cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company, in a delicately enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter'ssake, no doubt, ) that their stock of jewelry was of the finestdescription. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and otherappurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got ofthem, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at anyother establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, Iwas told, had just opened an invoice of India shawls, which he hadticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto wasquick sales and small profits, he was running them off at twohundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter bettercall early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been thesharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination torush her husband into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fashionwith the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one wayand Mrs. Major Potter another. "

Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid oldBattle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appetite caused him tomake sundry contemplations about the dinner he would get at thehouse of Mrs. Trotbridge. 

"Well, seeing that I was up and popular, " said the major, resuminghis story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying hissarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men, who invariably pronounced it the cure for those diseases which, itis charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident totheir professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which hesaid were unequaled for purging politicians of all those ill humorsthey were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent meinvitations to parties given in honor of me at their princelymansions on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me aremarkable curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house, which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone &Gossamer sent to say that their assortment of baby clothes was ofthe choicest description, and that they would be much pleased ifMrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself. 

"As I was always considered a good looking man, " (the major, thoughas ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of hislooks, ) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties bymarriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the lookout. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in theireyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands, I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It oftenoccurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act ofcharity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any goodnatured bachelor. 

"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been moreelegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed, I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of thosemalicious writers, who take pleasure in sneering at the quality ofentertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it iscomposed of men who have got rich by the very republican business ofsailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate theman of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but thatevery dabbler in small satire should dub himself a man of letters, and therefore set up for an idol before whom better men must bow, orhave their social affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannotcondescend to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have acourt, let them have one of their own, and to their liking; for theywill quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they canquarrel without interfering with the rights of others, the peace ofthe earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cramthemselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they becareful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic isexpanding itself. But enough of this. 

"Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor the politiciansbegan to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was notconvenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I mightcommit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They, however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey toWashington that I began to feel that I had got among friends of thewrong kind. " We were now entering a short curve in the road, betweentwo hills covered with chestnut trees, beneath which several leansheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by theshrill sound of a fishmonger's horn. 

CHAPTER VIII. 

WHAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER. 

A SOFT glow enhanced the beauty of the foliage on the hill side, tottering stone walls lined each side of the road, and the crowingof cocks, and the lowing of cattle, together with a pastoral viewobtained through the scraggy trees, betokened our near approach to afarm house. "Let us forget politics and go in for a bit of tradewith this fishmonger!" said the major, as he jerked the reins, thatold Battle might take heed, and quicken his pace. Another blast fromthe fishmonger's horn, and his wagon appeared in the road, approaching at a rapid pace. The fishmonger, doubtless, thoughtthere was no trade to be had of a tin peddler, whose wares hadnothing in common with his own, and was about to drive by at a briskpace, when the major reined up old Battle, and half hidden in acloud of dust, cried out, in a thin, squeaking voice, "Ho! stranger, what like for fish have you?"

"Cod, haddock and bass, " replied the fishmonger, who seemed as leanand well starved as his horse, which was of a light sorrel color, and presented so pitiable a pack of bones that no realphilanthropist could have looked upon him without shedding manytears. The two tradesmen now got down from their respective wagons, and approaching each other with hands extended, presented acorporeal contrast one seldom sees in the rural districts of NewEngland, inasmuch as the fishmonger stood six feet in hisgrain-leather boots, and was so lean of person that one might easilyhave imagined him fed on half-tanned leather and Connecticutnutmegs, while the major stood just five feet two in his stockings, measured exactly twenty-seven inches across the broad disc of histrousers, and had a belly equal to that of three turtle-fed aldermenrolled into one. The major too, had a head very like a Wethersfieldsquash stunted in the growth, with a broad, florid face, and aspacious mouth, and two small eyes he could see at right angleswith. The fishmonger, on the other hand, was hatchet faced, had adilating jaw, and a vacant look out of his eyes, which were wellnigh obscured by the battered hat slouched down over his parchmentcolored forehead. 

They began at once to raise their wares, to shake each othercordially by the hand, and to exchange salutations of mutualconfidence. Old Battle, who had a deep fellow feeling for hismaster, must needs imitate the affection he displayed for thefishmonger, and to that end began to make free with his horse, which, after sundry friendly bites of the mane, and otherwiseexhibiting himself in a manner very much unbecoming a horse of suchgood morals, reared and had done serious damage with the bones ofthe other, but for the interposition of his master, who separatedthem with the stock of his big whip. Peace being restored, theanimals were removed to a respectful distance, and I was introducedto the fishmonger as the greatest young politician ever known inthat part of the country. The major, it must here be recorded, otherwise this history would be imperfect, was scrupulous not toadmit that a young politician, however brilliant his capacity, couldbe equal to an old one. In this he differed but little from manyother great military politicians of my acquaintance. 

As the major seemed not to have a care for any other politicalcampaign than that which elected General Harrison, it was a customwith him to inquire of every new acquaintance how he voted in thatevent, before engaging in a trade with him. Having put the questionas a preliminary, the fishmonger replied that he had voted as goodand square a "Coon ticket" as any citizen in the town where helived, but that he received two pieces of gold for so doing, andthought it no harm. 

"It is how a man votes, " said the major, adding a nod ofsatisfaction, "not what he gets for his vote. That's his business, and except heaven, no one has a right to interfere. Here, takethese, know how much I esteem you, and remember when you drink yourcider out of them that I am your friend. " Here the major took twotin pints from his wagon, and having patted the fishmonger upon theshoulder, presented them to him, with a speech very like that madeby a Mayor of New York, who, having dined with his board ofaldermen, holds it incumbent upon him to bestow praises the cunningrascals know are meant for a jest. This done, the major drew forthhis flask, saying that it would be no more than good manners tochristen the pints. The fishmonger answered that he had noobjection, the weather being very oppressive. A stout draft was nowpoured into each cup, and having myself declined, compliments andbows, such as the fishmonger had never before received, wereexchanged, and the whiskey drank with great apparent satisfaction. 

"As the sun is warm, and my profits to day have not amounted tomuch, " said the fishmonger, with an air of stupidity that by nomeans pleased the major, "I must hurry these ere fish through!" Themajor expected a different return for his generosity, and remindedhis friend that he had not yet showed him a sample of his wares. Atthe word, the other mounted his little box of a wagon, and in atrice laid three cod and two flabby haddock upon the lid, declaringthey were as fresh and bright as a new-coined quarter. And though atthe most rapid pace his horse could travel, he was more than sixhours from the nearest sea-shore, he was ready to swear by the hairof his head, of which he had but little, they were only two hourscaught. "Five cents a pound for the cod, and four for the haddock!"ejaculated the fishmonger, raising a haddock by the gills, as if toassert some near point to the notch it would bring down on thesteelyard. "Well, to you, here, have the cod for four and a half;that's offsettin' your good turn, and I make it a point never to beout of the way with a fellow trader. " Saying this, he hung a codfishto the hook of his steelyards, and finding seven pounds marked, saidthirty cents would cover the cost, that being a cent and a half moreoff. Generosity, the Major saw, was not bait that tempted thefishmonger to reciprocity. "I should like two of them at the priceyou name; but as paying cash is not in my line, perhaps we cantrade, somehow? By my military reputation, I never let a chance totrade slip. Yes, by my buttons, I made a good thing of it when atthe head of my regiment in Mexico. " This the major said by way ofsoftening the fishmonger's generosity; but that honest-mindedindividual replied in the following laconic manner: "Bin in Mexaki, eh? Darn'd if I'd like to bin there. "

The major, not at all pleased with the unimpressable nature of thefishmonger, said, somewhat curtly, that no one cared whether hewould or not. "However, here's at you for a trade, " continued themajor, adding that generosity was the surest road to fortune. Andhaving bid him hang another cod to his steelyards, he drew from hisstock a small tin strainer, with which he offered to make a squareexchange for the fish. "Say the word, and it is done!" ejaculatedthe major, patting the other upon the shoulder. The fishmonger shookhis head, and looked askant at the major, as if to say he wouldrather be excused. The major now, out of sheer generosity, as hesaid, and anxious, no doubt, to sustain the character of militarymen, threw in a pint of number four shoe pegs, which article wasamong his wares, and which he was ready to swear by his militaryhonor the people of Connecticut raised Shanghai chickens on. Thefishmonger said he did not know exactly what to do with the shoepegs; but as a New Englander was never at a loss to find a use forevery thing, and not wanting to be hard with a fellow trader, hewould call it a bargain. They now mounted their respective teams, and drove on in opposite directions. 

A little red house, half buried under a hill side, interspersed withscrubby trees and blackberry vines, now appeared in sight. This themajor described as the house of his dear good friend, Mrs. Trotbridge, the widow of three husbands, and yet so young in feelingthat she was in daily expectation of getting a fourth. He neverfailed to make her a present, and partake of her good cheer whilepassing that way. The fish would be a great treat with the widow;and though the strainer and shoe-pegs, for which they wereexchanged, did not "stand him in" more than a shilling, the fishwould rise up in her eyes to the worth of a jolly good dinner. 

Old Battle, recognizing the house as one he was accustomed to restand feed at, quickened his pace, and disturbing the repose of pigs, chickens, and young ducks, nestling by the roadside, soon reachedthe garden gate. Dismounting in great haste, the major bid me followhim, and, leaving old Battle to take care of himself for the nonce, hastened up the pathway toward the front door, for the house wasseparated from the road by a narrow garden, enclosed with pickets, and full of stunted shrubbery. The inmates of the house were soonastir, and the major's name was, one might have thought, called fromevery window. Then the basement door suddenly opened, and twolittle, mischievous looking Trotbridges, scampered out to meet him, and so clung about his short legs, and otherwise offered him proofof the affection they bore him, as almost to impede his progress. Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, appeared in the door, three orfour flaxen headed little members of the Trotbridge family clingingat her skirts, and shaking their chubby fingers in ecstasy. Mrs. Trotbridge stood at least an head taller than the major, and was infigure so lean as to give one the idea that she had been pressedbetween two opposite points of theology. Her face was worn andwrinkled; her eyes small, gray, and staring, and fortified with apair of silver-bowed spectacles, which were incessantly getting downupon her long, flat nose. Her complexion, too, was the color of alumtanned sheep skin. The major's arrival was evidently a great eventwith the Trotbridge family, for while the two elder boys, one abouteight and the other nine years old, ran to see which should be firstto take care of his horse, Mrs. Trotbridge, saying, "Well, as I'mliving, if here ain't the major again, " hastened down the pathway, one hand under her check apron and the other extended. There nowtook place such a series of embracings, accompanied with kisses, asone seldom sees in lovers over sixteen. 

The major followed speedily into the house, while the two boysunharnessed, fussed over, and took care of his horse, which onemounted and the other led by an halter to a little dilapidated barn, such as are common to that part of the country. I was nextintroduced, with some ceremony, to Mrs. Trotbridge, as thepolitician who had gone over the country effecting such wonderfulpolitical changes. After divers courtesies, the good woman put somany questions to me concerning my past history and future hopes, that I found it somewhat difficult to answer them. Mrs. Trotbridgehad no very deep love for politicians in general, the doctor of theparish having told her that they did serious damage to brandypunches. Had I felt inclined, I verily believe she would have heldme in conversation until midnight, such was her nimbleness oftongue. 

The walls of the room, which was about twenty feet by twelve indimensions, were hung with small, colored pictures, in mahoganyframes; an high shoe bench in one corner, a few flag bottom chairs, a table and two small workstands, and four pair of shoemaker'sclamps, arranged at the windows, constituted the simple butsubstantial furniture. But there was over all an air of neatnessabout it truly charming. There was a place for everything, andeverything was in its place. "Must make yerselves at home here, "said Mrs. Trotbridge. "Things, maybe, ain't as nice as yer used tohavin' 'em, but poor folks must do the best they can, and hopebetter 'll come. "

And while the good woman set about lighting a fire in the great openfireplace, Major Potter got between two chairs, into each of whichan urchin mounted, with a broom in his hand, and so belabored hisjacket as to fill the room with dust. "The major is always at homein this house, " dryly ejaculated the good woman, taking down herbellows and commencing to blow the fire. 

"I know how to appreciate it, Mrs. Trotbridge, and hope nothing maycome to lengthen the distance between our friendship, " returned themajor, shrugging his great broad shoulders, and adding that I couldnow go through the process of dusting while he washed his face, preparatory to listening to how times went with Mrs. Trotbridge. Hehad previously ordered the boys to water his chickens, and now, having at his desire brought in the fish, he presented them to thehostess with all that pomp and dignity so common with governmentemploy‚s, who present the heads of departments with services ofplate bought with their own money, and which intolerable nuisancehad its origin among the kings and queens of the buskin. They were, he slyly intimated, worth seven Massachusetts shillings. The shrewdfishmonger wanted nine, but, saying I was going to present them to adear old friend, he threw off two. No New York alderman everreceived a gold snuff box for abusing his office with morecondescension than did Mrs. Trotbridge the fish so kindly presentedby the major. Saying he was proverbially a modest man, the majorbegged she would forego any return of thanks and accept them solelyas a token of the affection he bore her, and which he certainlywould enlarge were it not that Mrs. Roger Potter yet lived, and washale and hearty. The widow blushed for once, saying as she did so, that there was a time when such a compliment would not have beenlost upon her, but now that she had got on the wrong side of forty, was getting gray, and had seen three dear good husbands put away inthe grave, she did not think it right to be "lookin' out, "especially as Parson Stebbins had always said, when he looked in, that woman's worldly thoughts ought to end at forty. 

My suspicions of the major's probity were now almost confirmed, forwhen she offered to vouchsafe him her generosity, by frying a pieceof the fish for dinner, he expressed a positive preference forbacon, a good flitch of which he saw in a little cupboard she openedin search of her stew pan. And although he expressed it a stain uponhis gallantry to deprive her of even an ounce, I thought thequality and not his gallantry stood in the way. "Lord bless you, Mrs. Trotbridge, " said the major, "men distinguished in arms nevermake presents to eat of them. "

The good hostess replied, by saying, she might have known, but itwas seldom persons so distinguished came that way; and when theydid, she entertained them just for the honor of it. Peace, she said, reigned in her little house, and she was more happy with the thoughtof eating the bread of honesty, so remotely, than she would be witha palace in the olive groves of Cordova the man who lectured toldabout, seeing that they who live in palaces must depend upon othersfor bread, while she could raise her own. 

CHAPTER IX. 

HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER GOT HIS DINNER, MADE AN EXCHANGE OF CHICKENS, AND TOOK LEAVE OF MRS. TROTBRIDGE. 

HAD Major Roger Potter been as well qualified to take advantage of apolitical necessity, as the cunning quality of his gallantry in thisinstance fully testified, he was to get the better in a matter oftrade, he had never fallen from so high an estate as that ofdefending the nation's honor to that of selling tin ware and shoepegs. 

The major, saying he had an inert sympathy for the humble, and thatnothing had so much pleased him as to do Mrs. Trotbridge service, now commenced to set her table, which he did with the familiarity ofa good housewife, while the anxious woman bestirred herself inpreparing dinner, expressing her doubts as she did so, that herefforts would not meet our expectations. Suddenly remembering that Iwas so great a politician, the good woman, having made sundryinquiries concerning my wants, bethought herself that I would like abook to while away the time; so, leaving her stew pan in charge ofthe Major, who, having set the table with great exactness, wasseated upon a small stool at the fireside, beating the doughnutbatter in a bowl on his lap, she proceeded to a small book-rack overa window, and brought me a copy of Elder Boomer's last sermons, thereading of which she was fully assured in her own mind wouldinterest me. 

The major interposed (wiping his portentous belly, which had becomedisfigured with batter, ) by saying that seeing the book advertisedby the publishers (who were men of truth in all matters concerningtheir trade) as the greatest of recently published works, he got acopy for Mrs. Potter, who declared it a wonderful book, and had lentit to all the neighbors, who had read it until nothing would do butthey must get up a religious revival. Indeed, if things kept on asthey were going, there would soon not be a sinner left in the regionround about Barnstable, such a change had the book worked in thepious feelings of the good people. I seated myself beside a windowthat overlooked the little garden, and turned over the leaves of thebook, affecting to be deeply interested in it, but really listeningto an interesting colloquy that was being kept up between the goodwoman and the major, at whose side several little flaxen headedurchins had crouched down, and with an air of paternal regard, watched intently in his face as he compounded the batter with somuch force and energy, that at least one half it was lost inspatters over their features. And while doing this, so eager was themajor to ascertain the exact state of Mrs. Trotbridge's affairs, that the increase of her pigs and poultry formed a prominent featurein his inquiries. She had let her little farm of thirty acres out onshares to neighbor Zack Slocum, who was esteemed the bestcrop-getter this side of the crossroads. The peach trees, of whichshe had seven ranged along the little picket fence round the garden, gave no very strong evidence of doing much, while the cherry treeover the well was touched with blight; but for all that she feltthat providence would in some way enable her to scrape up fruitenough to get over the winter. What was deficient in one part of thecountry was made up by the plenty of another. She had recently, however, felt a great drawback in the bad times consequent upon thepolicy of the present administration. At last she had been told itwas the folks in power at Washington who had made times so hard, that the wealthy manufacturer for whom she "binded" the shoes herboys stitched, could only give two cents a pair, where formerly hegave two and a half. But the cunning fellow, who was the sharpestkind of a straight Whig, said if they got their side in at the nextelection, he would come back to old prices, with cash instead ofstore pay. Mrs. Trotbridge hoped it might be so, for the half centwas a serious loss to a family so humble. But she was at a loss toaccount how it was that if times were so hard, the manufacturer, whocould not afford to pay old prices, wanted a greater number of shoesbound, and would hurry her life out to have them done in less timethan it were possible to do them. 

The good woman, considering herself honored by such military andpolitical greatness, spread her table with fried bacon and new laideggs, and the cold pork and beans left over from yesterday, a fewshavings of dried beef, currant jelly of the most tempting kind, doughnuts, hot and fresh out of the bacon fat, and bread made ofwheat raised on the two acre patch across the road, and to which sheadded a cup of tea so delicate in flavor that it would have made aDutch grandmother return thanks to the East India Company. In truththere was a snowy whiteness in the table linen, and a nicety andfreshness of flavor in the viands one only finds at a country housein New England, and which those accustomed to the "hudgey smudgey"cooking at the great hotels of cities cannot appreciate. 

The good woman regretted that she could not add a mug of cider, forsince the temperance folks had shut up the tavern kept by GeneralAldrich, at the village, travelers with a taste for that article hadto thirst and keep on to Barnstable. "May heaven vouchsafe youplenty of such good fare, " said the major, taking his seat at thehead of the table, as we drew up and engaged the bacon and eggs withappetites that were sharpened to the keenest edge. And so fiercelydid the major gorge himself, showing no respect for the last pieceupon any plate, that the little urchins, who had occupied seats atthe table, began to gaze upon him with wonder and astonishment, andto slink away, one after another, to relieve their pent up mirth. Indeed, so formidable was the onset he made upon the bacon and eggs, that I found it necessary to withdraw after the first fire, lest thegood hostess be compelled to call her frying pan into use a secondtime. Having finished the humble but grateful meal, we proceeded, atthe desire of the major, to examine the pig and poultry yard. Hertwo cows, she said, twitching her head in satisfaction, had had finethriving calves, and the old sow had a nice increase of fifteenlittle spotted rascals, as round and plump as foot-balls. As forpoultry, the only kind that had not done well was her turkeys. Andof this there was visible testimony in four dyspeptic young onesthat walked sleepily around two old ones, kept up a very ill-naturedwhimpering, and in addition to being featherless were quite as muchbedowned as the face of a freshman. The major, who had a remedy foreverything, set at once to prescribing for their distempers, whichhe swore by his military reputation they could be purged of bytaking homopathic pills dissolved in the smallest quantity ofWistar's Balsam of Wild Cherry. He had not the slightest doubt butthat by following up this course of medicine a sufficient length oftime, the ill-feathered patients would be restored to a happy stateof health, and become popular fowls at the poultry show. Themedicine was as harmless as need be, though extremely expensive. There was a satisfaction, however, in knowing that their valuablelives could in no way be endangered by an over dose. 

Expressing his entire satisfaction with the appearance of Mrs. Trotbridge's poultry, the major fastened his keen eyes upon six fineblack feet pullets, the possession of which he at once began tocovet. And to that end did he proceed to discourse on the value ofShanghais, inviting Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, to take apeep at the rare lot of that breed of chickens he had in the coop. The good woman followed him to his wagon, where he dismounted hiscoop, and revealed as scurvy a lot of chickens as eye ever restedupon, all of which he swore by his military reputation, would cometo rare Shanghais, and get big enough to eat off barrel-heads inless than two months. Indeed, such was the wonderful account givenof these fowls by our hero, that the simple-minded woman would havepledged her farm for no more than a pair. "La's me! do tell. Eat offbarrel heads in two months! Mean flour barrels, I 'spose?"ejaculated the good woman, drawlingly, as her urchins gatheredround, peering eagerly in through the slats of the coop. 

"Just so, " returned the major; "know a chicken of this breed thatgrew so tall, that he would follow wagons going to mill, and feedout of the hind end. " In reply to an inquiry as to how she couldbecome the owner of a pair, money being a scarce article with herjust now, the major said he would, in view of his anxiety to do herservice, let her pick two, for which he would take in exchange thesix black feet pullets. For this profession of his generosity, thegood woman returned a thousand thanks; and the black feet wereforthwith transferred to the major's coop, while she took possessionof what she esteemed a rare prize. 

Finding there was no more to be made of his generous hostess, theboys harnessed old Battle, and taking leave of her with diversexpressions of friendship and regret, we mounted and proceeded onour journey, four urchins clinging to the tail of the wagon, cheering at the top of their voices until we had lost sight of thehouse. 

CHAPTER X. 

THE MAJOR RESUMES THE STORY OF HIS ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK. 

MY determination not to swerve from the truth in this history, maycause me to relate things of the major his military friends, who areexceedingly sensitive, will set down as malicious attempts to damagethe profession of arms. Let it be understood, then, that whatcharges I shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be foundto have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade only. Whether it will be found that he has committed acts for which he canbe arraigned before a court-martial, such being the fashionableprocess of making heroes of military delinquents, must be leftentirely to the reader's judgment. 

Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me with an air ofevident self-satisfaction, and addressed me as follows: "If Mrs. Major Potter was out of the way, I would make twain of the widow, merely for the love her children bear me. " Here he jerked the reinsand bade old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality ofhis wind, quicken his pace. "However, as it is wicked to contemplatematrimony with a wife on hand, I must console myself with havingcleared in the trade with her and the fishmonger, at least twodollars and forty cents. The chickens are not what she takes themfor. There can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as totheir eating off barrel heads, they can do that now, only set thebarrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered devils in mycoop are not worth a single black foot. " The major, like many otherswho affect gallantry, rather prided himself on the chivalry therewas in deceiving widows and getting the better of fishmongers. Wewere thus pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded methat he had been interrupted in the recital of the story of hisfirst adventure in New York, and begged I would tell him the exactpoint where he left off. This I did, as far as my memory served, outof sheer charity. He then begged me not to get impatient, for hewould soon get to where he was the hero of several extraordinaryexploits, which he had performed while taking care of the nation. "That's the point, " said the Major, taking the cue. "The story wasinterrupted at the point where we held it fortunate detectives werenot employed to go in pursuit of Fopp, as they both were of one kithand kin, only that they had different processes for draining purses. 

"My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had no moreattentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no more dinners to give, the newspapers also let me drop very quietly. I should not forget tomention, however, that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns ofa very small paper, and made the importance of his position a meansof getting loans of his friends, said time would establish the factthat I was an adventurer. I entertained a hope that the good oldEvening Post would have answered this, but it never did. It wassomething that I could console my heart with the fact, that thelittle paper could do me no harm, since its circulation never gotbeyond two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the cunningfellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good society, though heheld it a virtue never to pay a debt. 

"A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung to me as longas a dollar remained, advised the getting up of an affair of honorwith this editor; but, as I had always chosen to be a philosopher, and believing valor an article better preserved with peace than war, I objected. It was then suggested by one of my friends, who was, orhad been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice beendriven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality, ) thatthe affair could be more easily settled over a champagne supper atDelmonico's. The best eater and drinker could then demand hisopponent to consider himself vanquished and pay the bill, the samebeing accepted as a sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was foundthat the editor was famous in this sort of warfare, hence it wouldnot do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my friends then, that I would take two weeks to consider it, they thought the mattermight be indefinitely postponed. Another friend hinted, slyly, thateditors, as a general thing, held character of so little worth thatnothing so much delighted them as to demolish it over a stronglycompounded punch. 

"Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfaction, or rathermortification, soon to know that I had gained the suspicions of minehost of the Astor, who had the temerity to stick his bill in thedoor one morning. My balance on hand not being equal to the amount, I shoved the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded downstairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the matter overin the park. But the polite host, with an eye made keen by hisdoubts, intercepted me at the bottom of the stairs, beckoned mebehind the big bright counter, and said I must pardon the request, but he would like the trifle between us squared. Notwithstanding hisgreat respect for politicians in general, they so often forgot theselittle matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kindnessof his manner set my conscience in a tumult; and this, added to thefact that he had entertained me in a princely style, sent me into astate of great grief. One likes to perform kind offices to acourteous recipient. Indeed, nothing would have so much pleased meas to discharge every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I mightat some future day need the comforts of his house, especially asseveral of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, that thevoice of the people might one day call me to rule the nation. 

"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in onecorner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse, to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done beggedme to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point ofshedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed theirusual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubtrun out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that thedemand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply. 'Perhaps, ' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue yourjourney. '

"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want ofsupplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so ofpolitical speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides withlaughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters, but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave theAstor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York, ' withan empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I hadnot learned to achieve. "

The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid ofGeneral Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call thegreat Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whommany queer things were said over tea-tables, by people callingthemselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatestpolitician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steadyhabits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting thatthe honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were madeGovernor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and AmboyRailroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means ofgratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard ofthis man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smallerman than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me thenewspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; buthe said so many good things of himself, and recounted the manyscrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that Ibegan to mistrust there was something in him. It was at leastcertain that he had hung himself to the government, in the veryharmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of hispranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuchas they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however, requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared hisopinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue thatthey were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at theirfiresides. 

"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing anindividual capable of rendering it services so varied as he wascapable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extendinguniversal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the servicesof no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever didbloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to thesuccess of their candidate. They had given up the business ofstealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, hadtaken to the more profitable occupation of president-making, hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government withimportant and lucrative appointments. 

"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed greatsympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed to entertain a hearty horrorfor such fellows as Fopp. He said that now, being on the road tofame, it was only necessary to fasten to him, when, having greatpower in his hands, he would ensure me the nomination for nextPresident. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. We visitedtogether many low drinking places up dark alleys, wherein politicalmischief was very generally manufactured by youths who dressed inflashy colored garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Theirfeatures were sharp, but undefined, and about them there was air ofrecklessness made more striking by their long, oily locks, (whichwere turned under in the neck, ) and the strong profanity of theirconversation, which invariably turned either upon some pugilisticrencounter, or a question of municipal or national policy. Being apopular politician, it was necessary, Splinters said, that the goodopinion of these men be secured; and this could be best done byordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without stint. Headded, that unless I did this, my political shop would be closed forever. I at first pleaded the scanty condition of my purse, but itavailed me nothing. The dread alternative stared me in the face, andseeing that they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands atthe bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity. 

"He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to Stanwix Hall, which he said was the head quarters of his four hundred and fortypresident-makers. Here the glare of an hundred gas lights threwcurious shadows over a throng of staggering and grotesque figures intoppling hats, broad, brown skirted coats, with brass buttons, andbright striped trowsers. 'These men, ' said the Captain, introducingthem to me, with an extension of his left hand, 'are made of bettermetal than they seem; you must not judge them by what you see on thesurface. Keep but their wants well supplied, and my honor for it, they will take such care of the nation as no man shall gainsay-'

"'Aye! aye!' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the whole numbercircled around the great bar, spread with a barricade of decanters, 'we are good men, and strong. Let the nation but call us, and wewill do it such service as it may need. We are all honest men, whowait but the word from our captain, ere we break the liberty thatbinds the delusions of men calling themselves our betters. ' Thecaptain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in the earof the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat off and shirtsleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly compounded for each man, who seized his glass as the Captain, who was glib of tongue, commenced a speech in compliment of me. It surprised me not alittle, that he made me the hero of more political conquests thanwere written down in our history since the declaration ofindependence; but as he vouched for the truth of every one of them, with an oath to every sentence, his men received them with greatcheering. Indeed, they emptied their glasses, offering to lay theirservices at my feet. It was curious to see how much these men, soapparently shattered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs ofthe constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as doubtful astheir means of living, (even reading and writing was not in veryhigh favor with them, ) they knew a deal about Congress. More thanone had his pockets full of letters written him by distinguishedmembers. And it seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, todrink the health of some senator, who sent them Congressionaldocuments weekly and promised to say a good word in their behalf tothe President. 

"Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to examine the bottom oftheir glasses, and to cast longing glances first at the landlord andthen at the captain. Such was the influence of the latter over them, that at a word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter andsubserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, where theycommenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. A word from Splinters, itwas said, and these men would set upon and demolish any object ofhis dislike. And to such an extent had their mischievous excessesbeen carried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold, for which they had no other penance to offer, than an incurableambition to run mad in worshiping their captain. 

"A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that the landlord'sopinion of me would be raised by settling the score. And to do thisI reached my last dollar. Having thus graciously initiated me intohigh favor with his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safehome. Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the stateof my finances, which he said was a matter of no moment, since hewould give me his note for five hundred dollars on thirty days, which Duncan, Sherman & Co. , or any banker in Wall Street, would beglad to discount, merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance. A flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this expression offriendship. So we walked into the office of the Astor, whenSplinters, affecting an air of great confidence, dashed off thenote, and, bidding me look misfortune right in the face, took hisleave. But he said he would call the next morning. He forgot to keephis promise, and when I presented his 'I promise to pay, ' at thecounter of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co. , flattering myself thatthey knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks went intoa titter. One set me down for a madman; another directed me to thecare of the commissioners of the insane asylum; and a third thoughtI would do to go into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinterswould, no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnishcapital to any amount, provided always that he shared the result ofthe circulation, they said. It was clear to me that the house ofDuncan, Sherman & Co. Was not fast in the discount line. I thenlooked in at Drew & Robinson's. Thinking I had come to buysteamboats, a little, shriveled up old man led the way into a darkback office, saying he could give me but five minutes to make knownmy business. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note, saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, and wouldlike to discount it out of compliment to him. A sight at the name, and it seemed as if he was about looking the glasses out of hisspectacles. Then he went straight into a passion, ordering me toleave the premises or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve fromthe truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate ingetting into the Street without being kicked there. All Wall Street, it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. Every man looked as ifhe were besieged by his neighbor, or had had a breach made in him bysome sudden revolution, and was in search of a physician to save hisbleeding bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he hadjust rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness and treacheryof a newly discovered foe, who, with a thousand anxious thoughts, had carried away the last remnant of his fortune. 

"I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. Indeed, Ifelt like one in a desert without means of alleviating his misery, and turned to make my way out of Wall Street and declare myself itseternal enemy, so ungrateful was the reception it had given me. Andas I was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures thatsurged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of Van Vlete, Read, & Drexel. The name struck me as being consonant withgenerosity, so I looked in, and was accosted by a tall, lean man, with a dusky complexion, and a face radiant of intelligence. Hestood behind a massive, semicircular counter, piled with bank notesand gold; and having readily engaged me in conversation, which hehad the facility of doing without being interrupted in his business, I found him a man who could talk faster and much more sensibly thanany revival preacher outside of Rhode Island. And to this he addedthe rare quality of being courteous, which was remarkable in a WallStreet dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he smiled andshook his head, evidently at what he was pleased to consider myfreshness. 

"The captain's paper, he said, might be set down as floatingsecurity, the value of which was so prospective, depending as it didupon his future good behavior as well as the fortunes of his party, that he did not feel inclined to purchase any very large amount ofit. However, as he liked to be considered as a man of good parts, and as I had a prospect of getting a foreign mission, he wouldadvance ten dollars on the five hundred, taking the risk of suchchange as years might produce in the fortunes of the great captain, which even the moon seemed to favor. Having declined this generousoffer, we parted excellent friends. "

A cloud of dust rose up in the road about half a mile ahead, which, together with the barking of a dog, and the "hellowing" of a loudvoice, announced the approach of a drover, and interrupted themajor's story. 

CHAPTER XI. 

IN WHICH MAJOR POTTER ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER, AND TRADES WITH HIMFOR AN INTELLIGENT PIG. 

A VOICE crying "Schew, ho! schew, ho!" broke louder and louder uponthe ear, until, beneath a cloud of dust, there appeared the snoutsof some twenty lean swine, scenting the road from side to side, asif in search of food. They were followed at a short distance by atall, square shouldered man, dressed in the homespun of the country. He carried a pair of steelyards over his shoulder, and wasaccompanied by his dog, a sharp eyed sagacious animal, that everyfew minutes coursed into the bushes by the roadside, and kept theswine in proper marching order. 

The major was thrown into ecstasies at what he deemed an auspiciousopportunity for another trade, and began to count his profits ere hehad come up with the swine driver. A few minutes more, and the swinedriver cried out at the top of a voice that seemed to have comethrough a tin trumpet, so grating was it, "If you kill my shoats, neighbor peddler, them tin traps of thine shall suffer as will notbe good. " The major now reined up old Battle, and throwing down thereins, dismounted, and began parleying with the swine driver as tothe value of his drove. "It is cruel of you, " said the major, "to bedriving such lanterns to market. From thy looks, I had thought theea better man. But, as I have a fancy for trade, if thou wilt putthem at a figure low enough, and take my tinwares for pay, we maycome to a trade that will profit us both. "

"To the devil with your tinware; and if you cannot get it there fastenough by any other process, mount a South Carolina ass! for itoccurs to me you would look well mounted upon such an animal!" Thissomewhat uncourteous retort disarmed the major, who stood for a timenot knowing what to say in reply. In truth, he was overawed by thesternness of the swine driver's manner, and the terseness of themonosyllables with which he answered questions that weresubsequently put to him. He had a face, too, that wore an expressiongrave enough for a Scotch metaphysician, and was long enough andheavy enough for a Penobscot Indian; and to which was attached anose very like a bill-hook in shape. "Honest swine driver, "ejaculated the major, "being versed in the mysteries of humannature, and never judging men by their occupations, I took you for agentleman; and as such, I am certain, had you but known the highquality of my reputation, you would not have insulted me. "

"That all may be, " interjaculated he of the weary face. 

"You have, p'raps, heard of Major Roger Sherman Potter? That's myname, " resumed the major, a smile of confidence lighting up hisfeatures, as he extended his right hand, and patted the swine drivergood naturedly upon the shoulder with his left. "I bear no manmalice, am known over the country as Major Potter, the honest intrade and strong in politics. "

"I have myself had something to do with politics, " moodily mutteredthe swine driver, relieving his shoulder of the steelyards. 

And while this colloquy was proceeding, the herd nestled down uponthe ground to rest. One, more sagacious than his fellows, made acompanion of the dog, at whose side he stretched himself, and laidhis head upon his shoulder with an air of kindness and affectionquite uncommon to his species. "That pig, " spoke the swine driver, "seems a more cunning brute than our New York politicians, for hemakes friends with his enemy, and by that means secures his peace, if not his services. He has conciliated the good that is in the dog, and now the dog is his firm friend. He will let that pig have thebetter half of his meal, while he would not permit another to comewithin barking distance of his trough. " Here the swine driverentered upon a history of this sagacious animal, which it will benecessary to preserve for a future chapter in this history. It may, however, be well here to say, as well for the benefit of the readeras for the instruction of mankind in general, that Felix Shulbert(for such was the swine driver's name) bought him of Father Fenshew, a poor priest of great learning, who had so cultivated the pig'sunderstanding, that he could give his approval or dissent to thecanons of the church quite as well as some popular members of theecclesiastical councils of which the reverend and very learnedFather was an ornament. As to politics, he knew a great deal more ofthem, notwithstanding he mixed less with those who made them aprofession. 

"Now, tell us, honest man, what through life has befallen thee toproduce this sadness?" inquired the facetious major, adding, that hesaw the tale of his trouble written in his face. 

The swine driver replied, that disappointment, and the malice ofenemies, and the false reports of evil minded damsels, had reducedhim to poverty, and poverty had forced him into the trade of swineselling, which he followed in the hope of getting a living thatwould be acceptable to heaven. An air of deeper sadness nowovershadowed his countenance, and raising the coarse straw hat fromhis head, he wiped the sweat from his safron-colored brow, andheaved a sigh. The major having introduced me to the herdsman as thegreatest politician Cape Cod had ever given the world, drew forthhis never failing flask, which he said contained a panacea for allills of the mind, and enjoined him to partake. The man exhibited notimidity in accepting the invitation, for having taken two or threeswallows, he smacked his lips in approval, and said, he already feltit mellowing his temper. He then searched in his wallet, and findingsome crusts and a ham bone, threw them to his dog, who generouslyshared them with his companion, the pig. This done, we took seats bythe roadside, while the drover began, in brief, to recount histroubles. 

Educated for a divine, he took orders, and for a series of yearspreached with much success to his congregation and honor to himself. At length an evil day came, and with it a spirit of malice thatleveled its shafts at his bachelorhood, crept into his church. Unfortunately he had declared his determination not to marry in thepresence of several venerable matrimony-mongers, and the resultwas, that so many slanders were got up against him, that his churchbecame a bed of thorns continually pricking him. "My heart, whichheaven can bear witness, is tender enough, became overburdened withgrief, " said he, his eyes filling with tears, as he wiped the sweatfrom his sun-burned brow, "for it seemed as if the whole church hadturned its back upon me, and so many were the plans laid to effectmy downfall, by those who should have held me up, that even themantle of St. Peter could not have saved me. Thus, it was said thatI had made too free with my housekeeper, who, in some things, was agood enough woman, but (and it was well known to the parish), littlecould be said for her virtue. Heaven knows I had never in my wholelife permitted an evil thought concerning her to invade my mind; andyet she was got to bring against me a charge so grave that we willpass it over without a name. Your must, however, remember that thiswas the work of my enemies, whom heaven forgive, as I freely forgivethem, such being the glory of charity, which is the truest religion. Indeed, sir, it was said that I did this woman grievous harm, andthe parish rose up in her defence, and, what is more, set her up asa model of injured innocence. I could only protest my innocence, andpray what chance is there for innocence against the voice ofcalumny?

"Then this was the penalty of your bachelorhood? You shouldremember, brother, that so good a chance to become a father as thatwhich is offered to the pastor of a flourishing congregation shouldnever be lost; and he who fails to embrace it, evinces a want ofwisdom the clergy would do well never to betray, " said the major, begging that his newly made friend would proceed with his story. "AsI never disdain friendship, (hoping the rudeness of my remarks atour meeting may find pardon in my sorrow, ) I will give a respite tomy tongue by quenching my thirst with another sup of the contents ofthat flask, for it gives me much relief in body as well as in mind. "The major was only too glad to grant his request; and having passedhim the flask, he said, as the other raised it to his mouth, hehoped it would transfer the hidden secrets of his heart to the lightof day, since nothing pleased him more than a recital of the sorrowsof the forlorn ambitious. And here he of the swine, and he of thetin traps, continued to converse most strangely, the lattersympathizing with every new sorrow, of which the former seemed tohave a never ending supply. "Being in a remote village ofPennsylvania, " resumed he of the sorrows, "and having neither tradenor friends, I thought to get my living by teaching school; but theshafts of scandal followed me, and the honest and simple-mindedvillagers thought it wise not to have their children taught by onewho had attempted the virtue of an innocent. I saw nothing but totake to politics, which I did much against my sense of self respect, it being a profession requiring those who followed it to live avagabond life, as well as to become the associate of vagabonds andmischief making priests. I took a strong part in a presidentialcampaign" ("Jist like me, " interrupted the major), "and being on thesuccessful side, as wise men always are, I went to Washington in thehope that my services would be rewarded by a grateful government. But in this there was a mistake, for the government seemed to haveforgotten every thing but the slanders against my character; andthough the hussy whose oath had sealed my doom was removed toWashington, where she was atoning for her outraged virtue bypracticing the arts of the fair but frail, it neither lessened thesting of my misfortunes, nor restored me my character. She had swornfalsely, when her morals were no better than they should be. She nowoffered to do me justice by swearing to the truth; but so public hadbecome the character she bore, that though she might swear to thetruth of her own falsehood a thousand times, no one would believeher. It was curious to see the anomaly of my position; for while Icould have poured out a flood of lamentations at the want of virtuein Congress, no one valued my own of sufficient weight to berecommended for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if ithad, its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing inadmiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or two sinceexpelled had been pleased to call it, and was as scrupulous ofhaving it called in question as a coy damsel. I who had virtues, wascast out because the color of it, as seen through the spectacles ofmy enemies, was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped thesweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a wrong-headed worldwe had-many a time! Every man has a history worth relating, or hemust be a poor being in the measure of his kind; but I am afraidmine is becoming barren of entertainment. "

I had myself become interested in the swine driver's melancholy, andjoining with the major, begged he would proceed with his story. "Itook my misfortunes like a philosopher, knowing full well thatheaven would grant me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, inWashington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during thecampaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, hearing ofmy poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, implored myforgiveness, and offered to share with me the fruits of her infamy. I freely forgave her; nor could I forbear to shed a tear at thehonesty of her repentance. But her gold I bid her give, as had beena custom with her, to her friends, in places so high that the sourceof their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Telling her Ihad rather join the brigands in the hills of Lombardy than accepther gold, I at once turned my energies to writing speeches formembers of Congress incapable of writing their own, and correctingthe dictum of those made by men whose time was too much taken up atthe gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, so easilyperformed when one possessed the ability, I was to receive fivedollars a column, of the Globe. Small as was this allowance, I foundgreat difficulty in collecting it, since members too honest to sellvotes generally wrote their own speeches, and those who lacked thatlittle virtue had so many speculations on hand as to render it quiteimpossible for them to find time to pay their speech writers. However, between giving Latin lessons to two or three of the NewYork delegation and this speech writing, and teaching the rudimentsof grammar to an Arkansas member, whose custom it was to make aspeech every day, I scraped a few dollars to the good, and retiringto my native village entered upon the business of swine driving, inwhich calling, thank God, I have at least had an opportunity to behonest. In truth, brother tin peddler, (I call thee brother, since Ifind so good a friend in thee, ) it seems to me a man may prepare forheaven and find no obstacles in so honest a trade. I have nowfollowed it for seven long years. " Here the major took his hand, earnestly, and swore that he was ready to serve him with his life, so deeply had his story affected him. 

"It was but yesterday, " resumed the swine driver, "that a tinpeddler of New Haven, who vends his wares over this part of thecountry, and though a great rogue, makes people believe him honestby asserting that he is a graduate of Yale, passed me on the roadand killed three of my swine, causing me a loss of some eightdollars, for I sell them at three cents a pound, by my steelyards;and when I demanded him to make good the damage he jeered and droveon. And to make the matter worse, the cunning rogue has tricked thesimple minded people into the belief that he is a man of greatwisdom, which was no hard matter, seeing that he threw into all hissayings a large amount of Greek and Latin it would have puzzled thedevil himself to translate. This, my brother, accounts for therudeness of my greeting, and for it I now ask to be forgiven. Havinglost my shoats in the manner I have related, I sat down and sworeeternal enmity to all of the trade. "

The swine driver thus ended the recital of his grievances, when themajor, holding it his duty to set the fallen upon their legs, divided his pine apple cheese and crackers among us, and commencedadvising him in the following style: "I see, brother drover, " saidhe, "what a grief having fallen from thy high estate in the church, is to thee. Take then my advice. Keep thy ambition within properbounds until thou hast got bread enough to live in peace for thespace of one year. Then return penitent to thy native village, saythou art wearied of swine driving, and hast resolved to live anhonest man until death calls thee away. Get this idea well into theheads of the villagers, then come boldly out and declare thyself tohave sinned beyond measure, and to have been so great a reprobatethat the world had not another like thee. Publish neither cards, norpamphlets, nor books, in defence of thy character, and above all, dothou be careful not to purloin the coat and breeches of thycompanion, nor go uninvited to balls, for, though it be the customof unfortunate parsons who take to literature at this day, it willlower thee in the sight of heaven. But say, that having qualified insin, and resolved to seek forgiveness, thou art come to lay thyimplorings at the church door. Change, in the meantime, thy opinionsof matrimony, and be careful to state, within hearing of certainunmarried damsels the corners of whose ages it will not do tomultiply by ten, how it is become a firm belief with thee thatmatrimony will increase the measure of thy joys. And when the momentit will do for thee to move in this thing has arrived, do thou showthyself a man of sympathy by joining fortunes with a damsel who haslived hoping, until she has turned the brown corner of forty. Havingthus paved the way by being converted to matrimony, and confessingcrimes that would have crushed a dozen men of better metal thanthyself, thou wilt be restored to thy church, and live like onecomforted by the exalted opinions of the villagers. "

It was evident that the major spoke thus stiltedly with a designupon the swine driver's intelligent pig, which still manifested itsaffection for the dog, beside whom it had gone to sleep. The swinedriver promised he would take the first opportunity of profiting bysuch excellent advice. To confess the truth, he had looked forwardto the day when he would return to his church as that which was torestore him to happiness. 

The major called upon me to bear testimony to the friendship theyswore to each other, and strengthened over a sup from the flask. "Now, as I have made thee a happier man than I found thee, perhapsyou would grant me a request?"

"You have but to make it, " replied the swine driver, his countenancelighting up for the first time. "My wife, Polly Potter, is as fondof pigs as the women of Spain, and our aristocratic damsels whoaffect, to imitate them, are of poodles. She is never without one, which she nurses with great care. She is now in great tribulation, having lost her last by a croup, which baffled the skill of the mosteminent physicians. And so deep was her sympathy for it, that shehad it buried in a corner of the garden, with a rose-bush planted toits memory. " This so excited the swine driver's pity, that I verilythought he was about to make the major a present of his whole herd, as a means of consoling his disconsolate wife. As soon, however, asthe major disclosed to him his desire to purchase only the giftedpig, affairs assumed a different complexion. The swine driverdeclared he would not part with Duncan (such was the gifted pig'sname, ) for his life, seeing that he was guide pig, and could soprognosticate storms as to entirely dispense with the use of abarometer. A few more appeals on behalf of the inconsolable woman, however, and the swine driver agreed to part with Duncan, uponcondition that he be kept as one of the family until he returnedthat way, receiving care according to his gifts. The major pledgedhis military reputation that not a bristle on his back should bedisturbed, and also that he should receive such attention from thefamily as would make his domestic happiness complete. And as apledge of his faith, he proceeded to present the swine driver withthree nutmeg graters, two strainers, and a sheepskin, the wool ofwhich he swore was worth not less than two dollars. 

The swine driver received these presents with much condescension, but said it was necessary they agree that the pig be weighed, asthat would be a means of ascertaining how he fared during his staywith the lonely woman. This point being settled satisfactorily, thepig answered to his name, and ran to his master with the docility ofa spaniel. And now, amidst the loudest of squeals his lungs werecapable of, his hind legs were secured and his body hung suspendedby the steelyards, the dog in the meantime keeping up a loudbarking, and threatening to make ribbons of the major's coat-tailsfor taking such improper liberties with his friend. "Eighty-fourpounds, exactly, " muttered the drover, counting the notches upon hissteelyards as the major bagged his pet, who continued to give out somany squeals of distress that the sagacious dog seized the major bythe broad disc of his pantaloons, and so rent them that he sworenone but his wife, Polly Potter, had ever seen him in such a plight. Nevertheless, he placed the pig safely upon his wagon, and havingmended the breach in his dignity with a few pins, proceeded on hisjourney, in what he considered a good condition. "To be torn topieces by a blasted dog! He didn't know me, though, poor brute, "muttered the major, rubbing the injured parts with his left hand, and tossing his head in caution of what might be expected anothertime. 

CHAPTER XII. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR POTTER ARRIVED IN BARNSTABLE, AND SUNDRYOTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS HISTORY WOULD NOT BE PERFECT. 

IT was quite dark when we entered the town of Barnstable, making asmuch noise as if the devil had broken loose and come to carry offthe inhabitants, who were a timid people, but sharp enough to cutthe best side of a trade. The bright blue waters skirting the townseemed reflecting ten thousand curious shadows, while several tallsteeples of churches, (showing that the people had theology withoutstint, and to their liking, ) loomed out through a gray mist thattipped the clouds with a pale fringe. And the clean green shuttersof the bright white houses, and the neatly arranged gardens, withtheir picket fences, ranging along both sides of the street, and theflowers that were giving out their perfumes to the night breeze, were all blending in a panorama of exquisite softness. 

The major plumed himself not a little on his popularity with thetown's people, who made his departures and arrivals no commonevents. Nor was his admiration of himself one whit less than that socommon with some others I have in view at this moment, and whofollow the profession of arms. 

And now, news of his approach having got spread abroad, he hadscarcely entered the outskirts of the town when little Barnstable, hatless and shoeless, came running to meet him, cheering, clamberingupon his wagon, and making such other demonstrations of welcome assatisfied the major that the town had waited his return with nolittle anxiety, though it annoyed old Battle exceedingly, for he hadgreat difficulty in drawing the load over the sand. Seeing thedistress the animal was in, two mischievous urchins fell upon him, seized him by the halter, and, after throwing it over theirshoulders, were joined by some two dozen more, who ran aheaddragging him by the mouth, while three others plied his belly withswitches. The major, in the meantime, continued to contemplate thefortune there was in a pig so learned, and who was now mingling hisloudest squeals with the cheers and bravos of the urchins, until thevery welkin rang with their echoes. We proceeded according to oldBattle's slow pace to what I shall for convenience sake call theIndependent Temperance Hotel, the guests of which were so alarmed atthe strange noises in the streets that they came running out toascertain the cause. 

"Well, I'm back again, you see! and as for the rest, you may findthat out!" exclaimed the major, cracking his whip, and declaring hewould give the urchins three stripes apiece unless they ceasedteasing old Battle, whom he now reined up in front of a largeportico that opened into a spacious hall of the hotel. Thebystanders, among whom there was a lawyer or two, as well as anotherspecies of hanger-on about a country tavern, sent up three loud andlong cheers, which brought the major's friends in a crowd about thedoor. The major raised his hat, acknowledged the compliment with hisusual grace, and dismounted over the wheel, displaying as he did so, the pins that had served to protect his dignity. But of this he wasunconscious, and bidding me follow, he waddled into the house, anexpression of gladness lighting up his broad red face, and salutinghis friends, not one of whom said a word touching the condition ofhis garments. 

"Major! is it you? Well, there ain't nobody more welcome in thishotel!" exclaimed a small, frisky figure, rushing through the crowd, and seizing him earnestly by the hand. 

"Me?" replied the major, returning his salutation with equal warmthof manner, "Well, I reckon it is! you think of me in my absence, Isee, colonel. Well, there is no roof Major Roger Sherman Potterfeels so much at ease under as this. " Here the landlord, whose namewas Zach Aldrich, to which was added the title of Colonel, as a markof distinction, for having commanded with great gallantry theBarnstable Invincibles. The host was fond of a joke, and aftergiving his guest a cordial welcome, bid him hasten into the parlor, where the hostess, who had long held him in great esteem, wasrubbing her palms to see him. Impatient to pay his respects to sogood a lady, he trudged up the hall, and turning to the right, entered the parlor, in which were seated some seven females, to thegreat delight of numerous bystanders, whom the major congratulatedhimself were laughing for joy at his return. He had scarcelydisappeared, however, when a loud shriek was heard, and one afteranother the females came scampering out of the room, so sorry afigure did he cut. "Zounds, me, " exclaimed the major, "what can havecome over the witches?" and he followed them into the hall, surprised and astonished, while the compact little figure of minehost was seen almost splitting his sides with laughter. Indeed, Iventure to say without fear of contradiction, that never didmilitary hero cut so extravagant a figure before females; and as hehad that scrupulous regard for their good opinion, so common withhis brethren in arms, so was he only saved from swooning by the aidof a little whiskey and water. This, however, was not applied untilthe cause of the alarm was discovered. "Upon my life, Colonel, " saidthe major, as the host aided him in securing his garments with a fewpins, "I never was known to offer a discourtesy to ladies throughthe whole course of my eventful life. No, I wouldn't, by my militaryreputation, I wouldn't have had such a thing occur to me, especiallyas my friend here is the most distinguished politician in this partof the country. " I could not restrain a blush at this naive remark, and begging that he would reserve his compliments for one moreworthy of them, he continued by pleading with the host, andenjoining him to say to the ladies, that never in his life had hemet with so serious an accident, and as it was woman's nature to begentle and forgiving, he hoped they would forgive him this once, "and I shall not be so rude and ungrateful as to soon forget theirgenerosity, " he concluded. Having mended his garments thussummarily, mine host led the way into the bar room, in one corner ofwhich was a square, mahogany counter, upon which stood a tin draincontaining a jug of water, and several empty tumblers. An open stovestood opposite the counter; and in it were massive dog-irons inbrass, highly polished. A square Connecticut clock ticked on alittle shelf between two front windows; and suspended upon the wallswere pictures of horses and bulls that had won prizes at theWorcester Cattle Show. Certain parts of the bar room were muchdistained with tobacco juice; while beneath the stove grate therelay a heap of cigar ends, and other soft projectiles common to suchtaverns. And these, with a bench and a few reed bottomed chairs, made up the furniture. 

In one of these chairs, a lean and somewhat shabbily clad man sat, his feet upon the rounds, his body thrown back against the wall, hisface half buried in a slouch hat, and apparently dozing, but reallykeeping a watchful eye upon every movement in the room. Thelandlord, whose round face was lit up with a mischievous laugh, saidhe would bet his new frock coat, which had brass buttons and avelvet collar, and his white trowsers, and even his ruffle shirt, that the major had made a successful trip, and would do the generouswithout more ado. The bystanders said it would be only right that aperson who had witnessed so many proofs of his own popularity as themajor had done should pay the forfeit he had incurred by calling onsuch good beverages as the host was celebrated for affording hisguests. The major placed the fore finger of his right hand to hislip, cast a look of inquiry at the bystanders, and then said he knewit would be no easy matter to apologize to ladies for so singular atransgression, but how his treating could extenuate an insultoffered to another party, he could not exactly see. "By my word as aman of standing, I have spent much sweat and labor in getting thelittle Fortune has favored me with, and it seems to me that he whoneeds it most had better quench his thirst with what remains in hisown pocket!" spoke the major, giving his head a toss, and edgingaside from his importuners. 

The landlord replied, that as the major had brought him adistinguished guest, he should claim the right to do thehospitalities of his own house, and this he held the more incumbent, as the major was returned from so long an absence. But in obedienceto the spirit of temperance that ruled in the village, and was sorigid in its exactions, that it kept Captain Jack Laythe, the manwho dozed in the chair, a spy over his counter, he could give themnothing but cider and mead. Indeed the whole town had gone into suchexceedingly steady habits, that if an old friend chanced that way, and took it into his head that a drop of heavy would do him no harm, he was forced to wink him down into the cellar, and relieve hiswants in a little out of the way place, for even the smell ofwhiskey upon the tumblers was set down as proof of guilt sufficientto call a town meeting. 

They had scarcely drank the cider set before them by the landlord, when the man in the chair began to exhibit signs of motion. Thengetting up from his seat, his sharp sallow visage assumed a look ofrevenge; and approaching the counter, he began scenting thetumblers. "Captain Jack Laythe!" said the major, casting upon theman a look of hate, "you might find a better business than scentingtumblers for temperance folks. You're a pretty Christian, surrendering yourself to such meanness!" It was evident that themajor's choler was raised, and that he rather courted a set-to withthe spy, who had no great admiration for heroes of any kind. Indeed, the major declared that if such a thing had happened when he waswith his regiment in Mexico, his sword had not long remained in itssheath. 

"This man, " rejoined the spy, with a nasal drawl, "is a burningtorch to the town, which he keeps in a perpetual uproar. The devilnever thought of half the evil he has inflicted upon certain of thetownspeople, for he serves them with his poison, and they go aboutas if they were dead. Time and again has he been commanded tosurrender his traffic of misery, on penalty of being ridden into theriver; but he has neither fear of the devil, nor respect for thelaws; and though every pulpit in the land should preach against him, they cannot put him to shame. " The host, who was itching to haverevenge of the spy, hurled a lemon squeezer at his head, which tookhim between the two eyes, and caused him to retreat into the street, amidst the cheering and jeering of the bystanders. The major, too, applied his boot in right good earnest to the retreating gentleman'srear, and asserted his courage by making threats in the door, whilethe other, having regained his sight, stood challenging him to comeout into the street, and take it like a man. The major called uponthe bystanders to bear witness that he had courage enough to tacklea dozen or more of such spies, only he would rather not soil hishands just now. Nor was there any honor in fighting such people, which was a chief point in such game. 

The landlord now reminded the major that the town esteemed him toohighly to have him compromise himself by holding a parley with sucha fellow, who was no other than an old Pawtucket stage driver, whohaving tempered his throat with brandy until it had dried up hiswits, saw fit to reform, and had become the most implacable enemy ofall who enjoyed what he had abused. 

The spy seeing the landlord about to set on his big dog, took to hisheels, muttering in a low and plaintive tone, and threatening toreport his grievances to Parson Bangshanter, and Squire Clapp, twoleading members of the temperance league, and who, in respect togood morals, had taken the sale of liquor into their own hands, andwere making a good thing of it. The major now remembered that hiswife, Polly Potter, would get the news and be impatient to welcomehim, and so bidding the host and his company good night, andassuring me that he would ring the town out to pay me proper respectin the morning, he took his way home, meeting with so serious anaccident as had well nigh cost him his life, the particulars ofwhich I must reserve for another chapter. 

CHAPTER XIII. 

WHICH TREATS OF TWO STRANGE CHARACTERS I MET AT THE INDEPENDENTTEMPERANCE HOTEL. 

HAVING got rid of the major, I desired to change my clothing beforesupper, and was shown to a snug little room up stairs by a damsel ofsuch exquisite beauty and bashfulness, that my whole soul seemedmelting within me, so quickly did her charms enslave me. In answerto a question that hung trembling upon my lips, and which I had onlypower to put in broken accents, for she passed me the candle, and asshe did so, I touched her hand, and saw her bosom heave gently, andher eyes fill with liquid light, out of which came the language oflove, she said, with a smile and a lisp, that they called herBessie. Nature had been all bountiful in bestowing her gifts, forsurely, thought I, the nation can boast of no prettier Bessie. Ithought of the garden of Eden, of the palm groves of Campania, ofevery rural beauty that just then beguiled my fancies. But inneither of them did there seem happiness for me without Bessie forthe idol of my worship. I had, indeed, touched the hidden spring ofher sympathy, and as it gushed forth in unison with my own, I readthe flutterings of her heart in her crimsoning cheeks, andcontemplated the bounties of that Providence which forgets not thehumblest of its creatures. "Oh, sir, " said she, "what will my fathersay?" and she attempted a frown, and started back as I stole a kissof the cheek now suffused with blushes. Then with an arch toss ofthe head, she turned her great black eyes rogueishly upon me, andsaid in a half whisper that I must not attempt it again. But I couldnot resist the magic of her glance, while, together with thecherry-like freshness of her lips, and the raven blackness of thoseglossy curls that hung so ravishingly over her fair blushing cheeks, discovering a delicately arched brow, and enhancing the sweetness ofher oval face, carried me away captive, and made it seem as ifheaven had created our loves to flow on in one unhallowed stream ofjoy. Her dapper figure was neatly set off with a dress of blacksilk, buttoned close about the neck, and showing the symmetry of herbust to great advantage; and over this she wore an apron of brownsilk, gimped at the edge, and her collar and wristbands were ofsnowy white linen. "Heaven knows I would not harm thee, for thou arteven too fair; only a knave would rob one so innocent. " And I heldher tremblingly by the hand, in the open door, as she attempted todraw herself away, beseeching me with a bewitching glance to"remember her youth. " Bessie was the landlord's daughter; and thoughshe was scarce passed her seventeenth summer, had became so famousfor her beauty, as to number her admirers in every village of thecounty; and many were the travelers that way who tarried to dohomage to her charms. I had just raised her warm hand to my lips, hoping, after I had kissed it, to engage her in conversation, whenthe door of a room on the opposite side of the passage opened, and aqueer little man, with a hump on his back, and otherwise deformed, issued therefrom, and with a nervous step hurried down stairs, muttering to himself like one lost in his own contemplations. Bessie, with the suddenness of one surprised, vaulted in an oppositedirection, and, ere I had time to cast a glance after her, disappeared down a back stair, leaving her image behind only tohaunt my fancy, and make me think there was no one else in thisworld with whom I could be happy. 

A few minutes, and having completed my toilet, I appeared at thesupper table, which the blushing Bessie had spread with all theniceties of the season, and was waiting to do the honors. Myappetite was indeed keen, but the flashing of her eyes so troubledmy sensitive nature, that I entirely forgot the supper, and began toinquire, half resolved to end my journey here, if mine host couldaccommodate me for a month. Bessie heaved a sigh, saying it shouldbe done if she had to give up her own room. To which I replied thatnothing could induce me to give her trouble for my sake; that Iwould take up my lodgings upon the corn shed, where, with the starsand her charms to occupy my musings, I could be so happy. 

When supper was over, Bessie ushered me into a large sitting room, on the left of the hall, and bid me good night. A large, squaretable, upon which was a copy of Godey's Lady's Book, the New EnglandCultivator, the New Bedford Mercury, and sundry other papers of goodmorals, stood in the center of the room. The walls were papered inbright colors, and the floor was covered with an Uxbridge carpet, the colors of which were green and red, and made fresh by the glareof a spirit lamp that burned upon the table. A chart of the SouthShoal, a map of Massachusetts and Rhode Island, and sundry rudedrawings in crayon and water colors, hung suspended from the walls. The air of quiet cheerfulness that pervaded the sitting room, bespoke the care Bessie had bestowed upon it, and the active partshe took in the management of the household. And, too, there was apiano standing open at one end of the room, for Bessie, in additionto having studied Latin and algebra two years at the high school, had taken music lessons of Monsieur Pensin‚, and could play seventunes right off. 

An aged, clerical-looking man, his visage lean and careworn, withhis newly-married bride, a simply clad country girl of eighteen, satat a window, looking out upon a little square, and every few minutesexchanging caresses they imagined were seen by no one else in theroom. Indeed, when they were not caressing, they were whispering invery affectionate proximity. Once or twice I overheard, "Mydarling, " and, "You know, my love, " which curt but meaning sentencesare much in fashion with persons on a bridal tour, and who set outwith the belief that earth has no ill that can disturb the solace oftheir perhaps weak love. 

The little deformed man, of the nervous temperament, and whose wellformed head seemed to have been thrown by accident upon hisdistended chest, paced, or rather oscillated up and down the room, swinging his arms restlessly, now casting a glance of his keen grayeye at me, then pausing at the farther end of the room to read thenotice of a lecture on Crabbe, inscribed upon a great red poster. There was something in the lettering of the poster that displeasedhim exceedingly, for, having scanned over it, he would turn awaywith a quickened pace, and mutter some incoherent sentences no onepresent could comprehend, but which his increasing nervousnessbetold were expressive of anger. The thought of Bessie made meimpatient, and following the example of the little deformed man, Ialso commenced pacing the room, but on the opposite side of thetable, meeting and exchanging glances with him in the center. Themaps upon the walls furnished me themes for contemplation in mysallies; and I read and reread the exact latitude and longitude ofthe South Shoal, as it appeared on the charts. Then I paused at afront window, and peered out into the starlight night, and saw thetree tops in a little square opposite, move gently to the breeze, while my fancies recurred to the association of that home, at thefireside of which I pictured my father and mother, sitting thinkingof me. At the opposite end of the room I read, for it was thereprinted upon the red colored poster, that the celebrated GilesSheridan, (who was no less a person than the little deformed man whopaced the room so briskly, ) would lecture on Crabbe, in the basementof the "Orthodox Meeting House, " at seven o'clock, on the followingevening. 

It perplexed me not a little to know why this Giles Sheridan, thisqueer little man, had selected for the subject of his lecture, aperson so little known in the rural districts of Massachusetts. Hadhe consulted either the political or mechanical tastes of thepeople, instead of their literary, the cause would not have beeninvolved in so deep a mystery; but this will be explained hereafter. 

The clerical looking man had just kissed his young bride, andmuttered something about the joys of paradise, as I, for the ninthtime, paused to ponder over the curious announcement. And as I didso, the little man, with that sensitiveness common to true genius, looked up at me with an eye beaming with intelligence, while hislips quivered, his fingers became restless, and he locked his handsbefore him and behind him, in quick succession, then frisked hisstraight hair back over his ears with his fingers, and gave out suchother signs of timidity as convinced me that he was a stranger inthe land, and would engage me in conversation merely to unburden histhoughts. I have said true genius, in speaking of this queer littleman, for indeed, if strange nature had so disfigured his person asto make it unsightly, she had more than compensated him with thegifts of a brilliant mind. "Like myself, sir, you are a travelerthis way?" he spoke, with a voice clear and musical, and with justenough of a refined brogue to discover the land of his nativity, orto give melody to his conversation. "You will pardon me, sir; but Isaw you evinced an interest in the notice of my lecture. Ah! sir;even a look of encouragement cheers and fortifies this misgivingheart of mine. Few, sir, very few, think of me, seeing that there isnothing about me pleasing to the eye. " And as he said this, hesighed, frisked his left hand across his forehead, and shook hishead. I saw he was troubled with that lack of confidence in himself, so common to men of his kind; he was also too timid for one thrownupon a strange land with only genius to aid him in strugglingagainst adversity. On discovering to him who I was, and that I hadwritten a Life and Times of Captain Seth Brewster, which mypublisher, and several independent critics he kept in his employ, had praised into an unprecedented sale, though it was indeed theveriest rubbish, his pent up enthusiasm gushed forth in a rhapsodyof joy. I told him, too, that two sonnets which I had written, overthe signature of Mary, had been published in the "New BedfordMercury, " the editor of which very excellent paper said they werecharming, though he never paid me a penny for them. It may interestall aspiring female poets to know that these little attempts atverse found their way into the "Home Journal, " and were highlypraised by it, as is everything written by Marys of sixteen. 

"Men of letters are brothers!" said the little, deformed man, grasping tightly my hand. "They should bind their sympathies ineternal friendship. You have no other word for it! The world neverthinks of them until they are dead; ought they not then to bebrothers to one another while they live?" He now placed two chairs, frisked about like one half crazed, expressed his joy at meeting onewho had aspirations in common with him, said he wished the meek oldlover in the corner had his young bride in paradise, and bid me beseated and join him in a talk over the past and present of letters. I replied by saying I was more impatient to know what had broughthim to Barnstable with so strange a subject for his lecture. "Thatis the point, and I will tell you; for a stranger is never to blamefor doing wrong when he thinks he is doing right!" said he, withgreat earnestness of manner. And he drew his chair closer, andtapped me impressively on the arm with the fore finger of his righthand. "And you read my name, Giles Sheridan, on the pink poster. Iam well known in some parts of the world, and not so well known inothers. Thanks to a merciful God, I am not the worst man in theworld, and yet I am deformed; and as the world praises most thebeauty that adorns the surface, so few think of me, care for me, orsay, 'Giles Sheridan, there is meat and wine at my house, where youwill be welcome. ' Thinking even a cripple might find favor andfortune in the country, I came over not long since, and sought thecity of Boston, it being, as many had told me, the great center ofAmerica's learning and refinement. There I gave a lecture or two;but being a stranger, and deformed withal, the reception I met wascold and discouraging. Against such men as Lowell, and Curtis, menborn on the soil, and of such goodly person as made them the pets ofthe petticoats and pantaletts, I could not hope to succeed. Intruth, I gave up, sick at heart, clean only in pocket, and with thealternative of a garret and a crust staring me in the face, in aland of plenty. At length a friendly hand came to my succor, andthrough it I was invited by a committee, composed of the tavernkeeper, the schoolmaster, the Unitarian clergyman, and the milkman, (who had a relish for letters, ) to deliver three lectures in thistown, for which they promised to pay me five dollars a lecture, andmy victuals. Yes, sir, my victuals. Five dollars and victuals for alearned lecture was something for a man whose pocket stood much inneed of replenishing. I came, disposed to do to the best of myability; and the victuals I have had, and they are good. I choseCrabbe for the subject of my lecture, in deference to my own taste, and also because I was led to believe, judging from analogy, thatthe knowledge of men of letters which ruled in Boston, must alsorule in the villages and towns round about. It was that which led meto announce Crabbe, which announcement has much disturbed the town. No one seems to know who or what manner of man he was, and manycurious questions have been put to me concerning his origin, thethings he did while living, the manner of his death, and what wassaid of him afterwards. Several inquisitive old ladies, who calledto see me to-day, put many questions concerning his morals andreligion. Not entertaining a doubt of his loving all religion thatwas founded in truth and reason, I sent them away fully satisfiedthat Mr. Crabbe was a man of good standing in the church. You willremember sir, it was Crabbe who said, 'There sits he upright in hisseat secure, As one whose conscience is correct and pure. '"

Here he continued to repeat several of the most beautiful lineswritten by that poet, and which are familiar to his readers. 

"An unhappy sort of man, clothed in the garb of a mechanic, andcalling himself a nonresistant, has several times called to inquireif Mr. Crabbe, of whom I proposed to speak, was an advocate ofphysical resistance. Not being able to satisfy him upon this point, he has sought in divers ways to pick a quarrel with me. " Just atthis moment the door opened, and there entered to the evidentannoyance of the little deformed man, one Ephraim Flagg, a clickerof shoes, and an ex-stagedriver. He was lean and low of figure, hada long bony face, and a gloomy expression of countenance, and astraight, narrow forehead, and coarse, silvery hair, that stooderect upon his head. "I have come again, you see; but don't let yourcholer get up, my little stranger. Peace and little men ought tokeep each other company, " spoke the man, with a strong, nasal twang, after having adjusted his thumbs in the arm holes of his waistcoat, and passed twice or thrice up and down the, room, with a tantalizingair. Ephraim Flagg had given up driving the stage between New Londonand Norwich, and had recently taken to books, and so studied certainexact and inexact sciences, as they were called, and neglected allbusiness, that it was feared he would become a town tax. In additionto this he had made himself famous for quarreling with all those whodiffered with him on the peculiarities of his social problem. 

"Sir!" replied the lecturer, "as you chose neither to be convinced, nor to accept reason for argument, perhaps we had as well end thisbantering!"

"Oh! there you are, " interrupted the nonresistant, "you must notallow your ill temper to rise. You can't get (no you can't) thebetter of your adversary that way. If a man kicks you, and if youwant to show yourself his superior, turn right round and thank him. Depend upon it, there is nothing equal to it! It so unhinges theman. Now, as to this Mr. Crabbe, (you forgot, in our controversyyesterday, to say where he was born, ) being a gentleman, and infavor of using physical force-"

"Seeing that I am engaged, Mr. Flagg, " interrupted Giles Sheridan, "perhaps you will excuse me any further controversy on the peculiarmerits of Crabbe's combativeness. "

"But there was one point not made quite clear to me, and I cameback, not to make you angry, for men who give lectures should havegood tempers, but to inquire if this Mr. Crabbe was ever kockeddown; and if he was, how and in what manner he returned thekindness?" To this question, Giles Sheridan was not inclined tovouchsafe an answer. The nonresistant then said, the principles hehad been trying to defend, were being illustrated. "I am an enemy tophysical force; but I have gained a victory over you! You won't denythat, I take it?" continued the nonresistant, taking a seatuninvited; and, having placed his feet upon the table, near GilesSheridan, who was scarce able to restrain his feelings at the wantof good breeding therein displayed, threw his hat upon the floor, and said he would wager four dollars and thirty cents, which was allthe money he possessed, that he could lecture on the principles ofnonresistance, and draw an audience greater by ten per cent. Thanwould come to hear about Mr. Crabbe. "You don't know whether yourman had a liking for tobacco and whiskey?" he parenthesized. A lookof contempt flashed from Giles Sheridan's eye, as he twirled hisfingers, and curtly replied, "I wish, for your own sake, sir, thatyour tongue did not betray the error of the doctrine you have setup-"

"Oh! there you are!" the nonresistant quickly replied, "establishingby your acts what you have not courage to acknowledge with yourlips. " Wounded in his feelings, the little deformed man turned away, and commenced inquiring what I thought about several learned, butvery heavy reviews that had recently appeared in Putnam's Magazine, a monthly so sensitive of its character for weighty logic, that itnever gave ordinary readers anything they could digest. I confessedI was not sufficiently qualified to speak on the subject; to dowhich, required that a man be a member of that mutual admirationsociety, beyond whose delicate fingers it seldom circulated. Thenonresistant evidently saw my embarrassment, and saying he had butone more question to ask respecting the man Crabbe, continued in thefollowing manner, while Giles Sheridan remained doggedly silent. "Now, look a here! if your Mr. Crabbe had a bin a farmer who hadgrown a nice field of wheat, which his neighbor's horse, beingbreachy, had got into, wanting to get the best of that neighbor, would he have killed the horse, or would he have gone to thatneighbor and said, 'Neighbor, thy horse is in my wheat, pray comeand take him out, that I may not bear thee malice?'" This question, and the quaint manner in which it was put, so conciliated the littledeformed man that he could not resist a smile. "I have you there!"exclaimed the nonresistant with a toss of his head. 

"It occurs to me that Crabbe never had a farm, hence it would notbecome me to speak for him. For myself, I had driven the horse outwith my dog, " replied the other. 

"There you are wrong, " retorted the nonresistant, "for the dog wouldhave destroyed the wheat, and so carried the devil to the heart ofthe farmer, that he had gone to law, if, indeed, he had not killedthe horse, and by so doing lost all power over his adversary. Whereas, if he had spoken gently of the conduct of the horse, theowner would have been sorely grieved, and set about making good thedamage, according to the promptings of his own heart. "

The landlord hearing the nonresistant's voice, entered the room andordered him to begone about his business, and seek some betteremployment than that of hectoring every traveler who chanced to putup at his inn. But the nonresistant replied that he was not to beinsulted by a landlord who professed to keep a temperance house, andsold liquid death daily on the sly; nor would he leave the inn, inwhich he had a common right, until his own convenience dictated. This so enraged the landlord, that although he was a little man, heseized the nonresistant by the collar, and would have forced him toleave the premises but that the other proved too strong for him. Indeed the nonresistant, notwithstanding his principles, had wellnigh divested the landlord of his coat, and done serious damage tohis face, and was only ejected from the house by the timelyassistance of the hostler and the bar tender. 

CHAPTER XIV. 

IN WHICH THE TOWN IS THROWN INTO A STATE OF ALARM, AND SUNDRY OTHERTHINGS WORTH MENTIONING. 

THE nonresistant, resolving to make the street his castle, stood forsome minutes making grimaces, and hurling coarse invective at thelandlord, who, with sundry idlers, had gathered into the portico. Hethen took his leave, swearing to have satisfaction of hisassailants, as Giles Sheridan, looking out at the window, said heshould long remember the fellow for the courtesy he had manifestedtowards him. 

Peace being restored, the landlord, his shirt ruffle in a sadplight, returned to apologize for the disturbance to his guests;while peeping in at the door, I saw Bessie, her black eyes almostswimming in tears, and evidently alarmed for my safety. Again GilesSheridan spoke up and said: "It can be no good that brought thefellow hither. He must have been begotten under an evil star, andnursed by a virago. The fellow has but to take good care of hisinvective; and if he adopt the ass instead of the madman, he may intime become an excellent critic. " Here he paused, turned his headquickly, and frisked his fingers nervously through his straight, silvery hair. The clerical looking groom, hearing the littledeformed man speak thus, led his young bride frightened to bed. 

The lecturer now drew a much worn and almost illegible manuscriptfrom his pocket, and commenced reading to me a few passages from it, in a clear, shrill voice, and with much earnestness of manner. Hislove of approbation, I saw, was only equaled by his want ofself-confidence, which made him anxious to hear what I would say ofit. So I listened with more than ordinary attention while he read, and then expressed a firm belief that the people of Barnstable couldnot fail to appreciate his ascetics. This so encouraged him that hisheart seemed beating with joy, and he warmed into enthusiasm, andread on, watching intently the changes of my countenance, as if hewished to read in them my fleeting thoughts. I was about to inquirewhether it were good policy to measure public taste by one's own, when he paused, and heaving a sigh, said in a modulated tone ofvoice, that so many queer inquiries had been made of him respectingCrabbe, that he began to doubt whether he could interest the peoplein a discourse upon the character of one they had scarce heard of. No longer ago than yesterday, he said, General Sam Wheeler, thepopular high school committeeman, looked in to say, that it wasgetting all over Barnstable, and had very nearly got into thecolumns of the Patriot, that he had been got down by the evil agencyof the anti-temperance men to lecture on a new process of makingbrandy from crab apples. And the Baptist clergyman rather encouragedthis report, which was doing serious damage. I was told, too, thatthe subject of my lecture had been warmly debated by the ladies ofthe Orthodox Sewing Circle, where Mrs. Silas Heywood, who hadwritten several strong articles for the Patriot, which journaladopted them as its own, was heard to declare emphatically that shehad never heard of this man Crabbe, though she had read no end ofbooks. Miss Bruce had been six quarters at the high-school, knewsomething of Latin and algebra, and had taken music lessons ofMonsieur Pensin‚; but she had never heard of Crabbe until she read"Night and Morning, " where, out of sheer affectation, as it seemedto her, she found that the author had made sundry quotations fromhim to adorn the heads of his chapters. As for Miss Leland, who hadbeen two years abroad with her father and mother, and was supposedto know all about literature and the poets, she thought Mr. Crabbecould not be much, since she had not even heard of him while inEngland. Mr. Faulkner, the storekeeper, had not a book of Crabbe onhis shelves, though he dealt largely in hardware and literature, andwas a very respectable scholar. And Squire Brigham, the lawyer, whomixed himself up with other people's business a great deal, busiedhimself in saying: Crabbe must have been an obscure fellow, forthough there was a pyramid of old books in his library, he had notone of this author's among them; and perhaps he ought to be thankfulfor it, for indeed Mrs. Forbush had said to him in confidence, thatshe understood of the little deformed man that Crabbe had writtensome very bad things of lawyers. Mrs. Forbush went regularly toBoston to get the fashions and attend the Lowell lectures; Mrs. Forbush had written a religious novel for the "Olive Branch;" Mrs. Forbush said, who would have thought of giving such a looking littlecreature five dollars and his victuals for lecturing upon such asubject

The cry of fire without, and the loud peals of an alarm bell, suddenly threw the town and the tavern into a state of greatexcitement. Giles Sheridan stopped short in his discourse, and theinmates of the house rushed in great agitation into the street. Thealarm spread rapidly, and people began to run in every direction butthe right one. One declared it a false alarm. That it was set onfoot to afford recreation for the mischievous, another was quitesure. A third was ready to swear he saw the incendiary run down "thelane. " People ran in opposite directions, crying fire. People, wayward and confused, were endeavoring to persuade one another thatthe scene of the fire was not in the direction they were going, though neither smoke nor flame could be seen in any part of thetown. And while the people were thus confused, an harsh and gratingvoice cried out that the fire was down the lane, a narrow pathwaythat led from one part of the town to another. The confused figuresof men who had stood contemplating here and there about the square, now rushed down the lane, and soon came in hearing of moans andlamentations, which grew louder and louder, as of one in greatdistress. "Oh! unworthy sinner that I am, let every man exerthimself to remedy this misfortune!" a stifled voice was heard to cryout, as a crowd, having gathered round a pit, where some workmen hadbeen digging for a well, discovered no less a person at the bottom, half buried in sand and water, than Major Roger Potter. "Peace, goodman, and thy misfortune shall be remedied soon, " said the Orthodoxclergyman, who was among the alarmists, and, notwithstanding hisaccustomed frigidity, could scarce suppress a smile at seeing themajor cut so sorry a figure. The clergyman now ordered thebystanders, who were much more inclined to enjoy the joke, to bringropes, and assist in relieving the distressed man, who, if not afriend of the church, was at least a Christian. "Aye, aye, "responded the major, "and be not long about it, for the sand iscaving in, and I feel the devil fingering my toes. " Seeing thepeople come to his relief, the major regained his courage, (for whendiscovered he was nearly frightened out of his wits, ) and beganheaping curses upon the head of the miscreant who had laid sodiabolical a plot against his life. Indeed, he stubbornly refused tobe convinced that it was anything else than a trick of his enemiesto rob him of his military title. In fine, he declared to theparson, who several times rebuked him for his free use of profaneadjectives, that nothing but his good will for mankind in generalprevented him from taking summary vengeance of his enemies with hissword, which, fortunately for those who were making light of hisdistress, he had left at home. It was not that he set so high avalue upon his life, for he had shown while in the Mexican War thathe was not wanting in valor, and was ready at any moment tosacrifice it to his honor; but it sorely grieved him to think ofwhat a loss the nation and Barnstable would suffer in his death byfalling into a pit. 

The rabble, as he called those who had come to his relief, now beganto jeer him, and to demand of him a speech, merely to occupy thetime while ropes necessary to his deliverance were being brought. This so enraged the major, that in addition to swearing he would notbe drawn up by such a set of inhuman rascals, he commenced to cursehis hard fate. A few moments more and he became calm, and looking upbeseechingly in the clergyman's face, which was reflected by thelight of a lantern, he enjoined him to hasten to his wife, PollyPotter, and tell her of the plight he was in. She had never forsakenhim in his misfortunes. But the clergyman was scrupulous of hisdignity, and not fancying the strong quality of the expletives hewas using, took his leave, saying he could not waste sympathy uponone who so far forgot his afflictions as to take the name of theLord in vain. 

Ropes were now at hand, and amidst much laughter and jeering, themajor was relieved from his perilous position, not, however, untilhis face had received some bruises and his garments much injury. Thecrowd now professed so much affection for him, that he began todeplore the loss of his temper, and to offer apologies for what hehad said when in the pit, which were readily accepted, with regretsfor his misfortune. Indeed, he inwardly congratulated himself thathe had not lost a whit of his political or military popularity, andthat the mishap was one of those peculiar interpositions ofProvidence which may occur in the life of any great man. As to theoaths that had lost him the friendship of the clergyman, heregretted them from the very bottom of his heart, and hoped hisfriends, in the exercise of that generosity they had ever evincedfor him, would set them down to the bewildered and confused state ofhis faculties. Hoping he would never again be in a condition tomerit their jokes, the major bowed in the politest manner, andturned to take his departure, adding that he would have to performcertain offices pleasing to his wife, Polly. He had, however, nosooner turned his back, than the crowd gave out shouts of laughter, seeing the condition his nether garments were in. Being unconsciousof the cause, the major mistook their shouts for a manifestation ofhis popularity, and having paused to acknowledge it with a bow, continued on his way as the crowd dispersed. 

It seems that the mischievous urchins, on seeing the major enter thetavern, mounted his team and drove several times round the town, thepig and chickens keeping up a medley of noise that seriously annoyednumerous peaceably-disposed citizens. And having satisfied theirmischievous propensities, they left old Battle to himself, knowingthat he would keep faith with his master. Finding his faithfulanimal gone, when he issued from the tavern, the major, not doubtingthe steady habits of his horse, very naturally believed that he hadtaken his way home, and thus forestalled his arrival. The only thingthat caused him any fear was, that some accident might occur to hislive stock. He therefore took the shortest road home, and socompletely absorbed in the contemplation of his profits, and of theprospect of another chance for political fame, was he, that hehastened on regardless of the planks the workmen had placed roundthe well they were digging, and of which he became conscious onlywhen he had tumbled some twenty feet to the bottom. Beginning tosink deeper and deeper in the sand, from which all his efforts toextricate himself failed, he set up a cry of fire, regarding it theone which would soonest bring him relief. And this cry he bawleduntil he sent the whole town into a state of excitement. 

And now, since I have exhausted the limits of my chapter, I mustreserve what took place between the major and his wife Polly, andhow she almost fainted at seeing him enter the house in so shattereda condition, for another chapter. 

CHAPTER XV. 

IN WHICH THERE IS AN INTERESTING MEETING BETWEEN MAJOR POTTER ANDHIS WIFE POLLY. 

MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER lived in a little red house in theoutskirts of the town of Barnstable. There were two crabbed littlewindows in front, for it could boast of but one story, and a narrowgreen door, over which a prairie rose bush clustered, as if to hideits infirmity. A small window, reminding one of a half closedjacknife, and in which were two earthen flower pots containingmignonnette, set jauntily upon the roof, which was so covered withblack moss, that it was impossible to tell whether it was shingledor tiled. Indeed such was the shattered condition of the littletenement, that you might easily have imagined it suffering from aforty years' attack of chronic disease, and quite unfit for thehabitation of so great a military hero. The major, however, had apeculiar faculty for reconciling humbleness with greatness, andalways overcame the remonstrances of his wife, (who was continuallyurging the necessity of a larger tenement, in accordance with theiradvanced popularity, ) by reminding her that General Scott, who was agreat military hero, and to whom the nation owed a debt of gratitudeit had no notion of discharging until after his death, was kept poorand humble by the nation, merely for its own convenience. In truth, whenever Polly Potter upbraided the major for not keeping up properappearances, he would mutter so that her ears could not escape themeaning, that rags might cover a nobleman, while the knave mightscent his fine linen with the perfumes of Arabia. In reply to this, Polly would remind him in her own way, that tattered garments andgood society were not the fashion of the day, and seldom wenttogether. 

"Well, here I am, wife! in an unsuitable condition, I confess, " saidthe major, stalking into his little habitation, and embracing hiswife, who had been waiting his coming in great anxiety, seeing thatold Battle had arrived nearly an hour previous, with the tin wagonin a very disordered condition. "Heavens! my faithful husband, mydear good husband, what has happened?" shrieked his wife, standingaghast for a moment, and then throwing herself almost fainting intohis arms, as two shy looking and ill clad little girls, and a boy ofsome twelve years old, clung about her garments, and commenced tocry with all the might of their lungs. The major's wife was aslender, meekly attired woman, with exceedingly sharp features, abright, watchful eye, evincing great energy of character, and acomplexion which might be considered a compromise between the colorof Dr. Townsend's sarsaparilla and the daintiest olive-induced, asthe major afterwards told me, by bilious disorder. 

The major was at a loss how to account to his wife for his shatteredcondition, nor was he conscious of the disordered state of hisnether garments, the rent in which had been made larger by theprocess of getting him out of the pit. However, as her recovery wasalmost as sudden as her notion to faint, and seeing that nothingserious had resulted therefrom, he placed her in a chair, andcommenced recounting to her how he got into the pit, which he swore, and made her believe, was set for him by his enemies, who had formany years bore him great malice, in consequence of his fame, which, God knows, he had worked hard enough to gain. "La's me, husband, "said the artless woman, making him a return of her affections; "it'sjust what I've a dozen times told you they'd do, if they'd only asly chance. There's Robins Dobson, who has been trying for years tobe Major of the Invincibles, and it's just what his wife wants. Shewants to see his name, with the title 'tached, in the Patriot somemornin'. Poor folks has a hard enough time to get up in the world, and when they gets up, everybody wants to pull 'em down. That's theway the world goes. " As it had always been a custom with the goodwoman to believe no greater military character than the major everlived-an opinion he shared to the fullest extent-so was it the mostpleasing thing with him to reciprocate the honor by asserting, whenever an opportunity offered, that history afforded no example ofa military hero ever before being blessed with so good a wife. Indeed I very much doubt whether there ever existed a heaven inwhich love, joy, and mutual confidence were so liberally exchangedas in this, the major's little tenement. As for furniture, it couldboast of but little, and that of the shabbiest kind. It was true, there was a print of General Scott hung upon the discolored wall, and another of Zack Taylor, and another of General Pierce, mountedupon a ferocious-looking charger, and about to demonstrate hiscourage (not in attacking the lines of an enemy) by rushing into thethickest of a hailstorm. By these, especially the latter, PollyPotter set great store, inasmuch as they illustrated the major'staste for the profession of which he was so illustrious a member. Ihad almost forgotten to mention, while enumerating the portraits ofthese great generals, that there was hanging over the tea-table (asif to do penance for some grievous wrong committed against thatvenerable institutution) a picture of General Webb, who haddistinguished himself in several great battles, fought in thecolumns of an almost pious newspaper, published in Wall Street, NewYork, and whom Polly Potter verily believed, having heard it of theneighbors, to be a wonderful diplomatist, which was rare in so greata general. 

"And now, seeing that we have had but scanty fare for the week past, and have got deeply in debt to the grocer, who has twice threatenedto take our little things for pay, pray tell us of your voyage, andwhat success you have met with;" said the good woman, which remindedthe major of his neglect of his faithful horse, which, in reply to aquestion concerning his arrival, he was told had come safely home, and been put in the barn, but without either pig or chickens. Themajor was not a little surprised on hearing this account of histeam, and repaired at once to the barn, where he found old Battle alittle jaded, but otherwise in his usual good condition, and asready as ever to acknowledge the caresses of his kind master. To hisutter astonishment neither pig nor chickens, upon which he had setso much store, as constituting the larger half of his availableprofits, were to be seen. He now swore either that the town was fullof thieves, or that it was another trick of his enemies to deprivehim of the means of sustaining his hard-earned reputation. His wifenow, evincing great grief at the sad misfortune, held the lanternwhile he counted his skins and tin ware, which he found to tallyexactly with his account of stock, which he kept on a dingy slip ofpaper, with the exactness of a cotton broker. "Curse on theseenemies of mine; they are all an evil minded set of blockheads!"ejaculated the major, pausing to consider a moment, and then heavinga sigh. "Husband, curse not your enemies, " enjoined the confidingwoman, "for the Scripture teacheth that we must pray for them; andyou know we have much need of being exalted above them. "

"I leave what the Scripture teacheth to Parson Boomer, " interruptedthe major, "who deals in that sort of commerce. Scripture, as I takeit, has little to do with one's military reputation. And, may thedevil take me if I don't think military men get it right nine timesout of ten, and won't be far behind them in getting to heaven, (Imean the parsons, ) unless they look well to the state of theirmorals. "

Being very short, and stout, and singularly duck-legged withal, themajor, having had his attention called to the condition of hisgarments, drew forth his cotton handkerchief and hung it about hisloins, as a means of protecting the exposed state of his battery. Thus protected in his dignity, he resolved that his wife should bearhim company, and together they would sally down the road a mile ortwo, in search of his lost live stock. As this necessarily incurredsome danger to his person, which it required courage to overcome, hethought it well to step into the house and get his sword, a weaponthat never failed him, and with which, according to his own account, he had killed innumerable Mexicans. Having girded on this venerableweapon, he came forth as never before did military hero, swearing tohave satisfaction of every enemy who chanced in his way. 

Let it be understood by all my military acquaintances, that I meanno offence in what I have here written. Nor must it be inferredbecause I have thus accoutered the major, who must be set down for amilitary politician, that such is the fashion with all great majorsand colonels; for indeed history furnishes no account of their goingto war with what is generally accepted as their most vital partsprotected with pocket handkerchiefs, not even when fleeing beforethe enemies' bullets. Nor would this history sustain the reputationfor truth I have from the beginning resolved it shall maintain withgenerations yet unborn, were I to leave unrecorded this act ofheroism, seeing that it has so many counterparts among those whoaffect the profession of arms, and are honest enough in their beliefthat the nation's battles cannot be fought without them. 

And now, having prepared himself for a tilt with assailants, ratherthan a search for his pig and poultry, he strode forth, his wifefollowing a few steps behind, lantern in hand, and so regulating theshadow as not to obstruct his vision. Being a woman of greatkindness, and much given to religion, his wife would pause every fewsteps, and enjoin the major to treat his adversary, if any he shouldchance to meet, with great consideration. There was no knowing, shesaid, but that it might all be the work of some mischievous boys. "That may be, wife; but they are set on by older heads. There'sCaptain Tom Baker, and Sergeant Prentice, of the Invincibles, in itsomewhere! And they'll never stop molesting me until they have feltthe weight of this sword!" returned the major, touching the hilt ofhis sword, and quickening his pace. 

They had not proceeded far, when the rippling of a brook, and aslight rustling of leaves among some bushes by the roadside, causedthe major to halt suddenly, half unsheath his sword, and placehimself in an attitude of defence. "I said we should find them, wife; and may the devil take me if I don't make dead men of them ina trice. "

"Truly, husband, it is only the wind and the brook you hear, andwhich, at this hour of the night, sounds very like the talking ofconspiring men, " interupted the woman, as if to encourage the major, who shrugged his shoulders, and began to show signs of fear in thebackward and cautious movement of his steps. "As I hope to be saved, wife, " returned our hero, in a modified tone of voice, "though ittakes more than a trifle to alarm me, who has seen much service inMexico, I am not mistaken. A vagabond of some kind lurks in thebushes yonder, for I heard his voice as distinctly as if it had beenbawled into my ears. There! hear you not the sound of his footsteps?Go you ahead with the light, and leave the rest to me. "

"Pray, husband, do not let your fancies lead you to rash acts. "

"Rash acts?" rejoined the major, "to kill a score of such lurkingvagabonds would only be doing good service for the devil, who meritsone's aid now and then. " In evidence of her faith in the cause ofthe sounds, the good woman advanced forward, and, followed by themajor, with his sword drawn and braced, they proceeded cautiously onover the bridge, though not until our hero had several times stoppedto listen, which he declared was enjoined by every rule of theprofession, and was a means to avoid surprise while advancing uponan enemy. 

Having ascended the brow of a hill, a short distance beyond thebridge, it was agreed between the major and his wife, that, beingout of danger, they might now look more after the lost property andthink less of assailants. The major, in the meantime, commencedgiving his wife an account of the pig's knowing qualities, which, together with a description of the eccentric swine driver, amusedher not a little. If the pig, she argued, was possessed of one halfthe gifts set down to him, he would take care of himself for thenight; and as to the chickens, not even the black people who livedon the hill, would think of coming out at night to steal them-forthough they were proverbially fond of keeping a large poultry yard, and not over scrupulous of the means by which they supplied it-theywere too sparing of their energies to waste them at that hour ofnight. She therefore enjoined that they return peaceably home, andleave the search to be resumed at daylight. The major admitted thereason of his wife's argument, but declared his determination totraverse the road round and return by way of the tavern. It might, in truth, betray a want of courage, did he retrace his steps at thisstage of the road. 

"As to courage, husband, " said his wife, holding the lantern so nearthat the shadow reflected over his broad face, "I am sure you havealready proved that you are not wanting in that; and as there arebut a few hours until daylight, we had as well go home and get uscomfortably to bed. " The figure of a man, whose dusky shadowreflected along the fence, was now seen approaching in the road. Themajor had no sooner descried him, than he fell in with his wife'sopinion, and as a practical illustration of his faith in it, commenced retracing his steps so fast that it was with muchdifficulty she could keep up with him. Looking neither to the rightnor the left, he continued on until he had gained the house, fromthe door of which he turned to look back, when, finding the figurehad vanished, he said with an air of regained courage, that it wasnot that he feared the miscreant, but having a wife and threechildren dependent upon him, he could not hope for forgiveness werehe to risk his valuable life in combat with a lurking vagabond. Hetherefore shut the door, partook of an humble supper, and wentquietly to bed, leaving the pig and chickens to take care ofthemselves until daylight. 

CHAPTER XVI. 

WHEREIN IS RECORDED EVENTS WHICH TOOK PLACE ON THE DAY FOLLOWING THEMAJOR'S ARRIVAL AT BARNSTABLE, WITH SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS. 

THE sun was filling the east with golden filaments, and the sparrowswere making the air melodious with their songs, glad, no doubt, atthe major's return, when, on the morning following the events I haverecorded in the foregoing chapter, I was awakened by a voice singingsweetly under my window. I soon recognized it as the voice ofBessie, whose image rose up in my fancy as the fairest of livingcreatures. At first, my senses seemed seized with a pleasantdelirium; but soon the strains came so sweet and tender that I lostall power over my emotions, while it seemed to me as if my fancy hadwinged its way to some land where love and joy rules unclouded. "O, sweet transport, whither wilt thou beguile me!" I said with a sigh, as the voice ceased its singing, and the effect was like an electricshock, consuming me with disappointment. But I heard the dulcetechoes mingling faintly with the songs of birds, as if some seraphhad strung her lute to give sweet music to the winds; and I wasconsoled. 

After a few moments' pause the voice again broke forth from thegarden, and I caught the following words, which, if I can trust mytreacherous memory, belong to a song written by the learned Dr. Easley when in the tutelage of his literary career, and heavenknows, (for he was then a priest of slender means, ) before he everthought of translating German or becoming the pensioned puffer ofthree New York booksellers: "Come, gentle stranger, haste theehither, Tarry not, for I am lonely--Come and tell me whom thoulovest Or the throbbing mischief will my heart betray. " This being afair and honest specimen of Easley's early attempts atversification, it was said of him by those best qualified to judge, that had he but stuck to the pulpit and sonnet writing, he would intime have become an adept, for he could compose pathetically enough, and so regulate his points as to make his theology appear quiteprofound. But he had a weakness which ran to the getting of gold, and this betrayed him into the commerce of literature, where he hadbecome a critic of easy virtue, and had attracted about himinnumerable adorers, principally maidens of twenty, whose elegantendowments and clever novels he could not sufficiently extol. Besides being a poet and a great praiser of small books, the learneddoctor had a rare talent for making ladies' slippers, which, it hadbeen more than once hinted, was the trade of his early youth. It wasnow charged upon him, though I do not assert it of my own knowledge, that he had found it profitable to become the assassin of criticismand the undertaker of literature, for which offices he was amplyqualified, notwithstanding the very serious writers in Putnam'sMagazine thought he ought to be transported to Sandy Hook, there todo penance among the breakers a whole November. And this punishmentthey would no doubt have carried out, but for the two newspapers andfour booksellers, who stood in so much need of his virgin goodnessthat they refused to part with him even for a day. 

After another pause, the voice of Bessie again struck up, and thistime she sung: "O, had I Ariadne's crown, At morning I would sing tothee--Would sing of dew-drops on thy ringlets, Then my Apollo thoushould'st be. " This, also, was by the learned Doctor Easley, and isextracted from a poem published in his native village many yearsago. Having great confidence in its numerous beauties, which thevillagers, being humble people, failed to discover, the doctorresolved to seek his fortune in New York, confident that first ratepoetic talent never was appreciated in the country. 

The sweetness of Bessie's voice (not the words) so enchanted me, that I arose, dressed myself, and hurried down stairs, and into thereading room, where the little deformed man was premeditating theill fate of his lecture. He returned my salutation with greatearnestness of manner, told me he had walked three times around thesquare, listening to the birds sing. And, too, he had been regardedby young Barnstable as an object of curiosity. Impatient to engageme in conversation, he drew forth his notes, which he as suddenlyshut up and returned to his pocket, on seeing the clerical lookingman enter the room, accompanied by his bride, her countenance thevery picture of innocence betrayed. 

The little deformed man had evidently taken a dislike to the grayhaired and milky faced groom; for no sooner had he pocketed hisnotes than he set to pacing the room rapidly, frisking his fingersalternately behind and before him, and casting half angry glancesover his shoulder at him. I took advantage of this display ofirrascibility on the part of the lecturer, and passed into the hall, where Bessie, having ceased her singing, was busily arranging thefurniture and attending to those little domestic duties which, intowns where fashion rules, are left to untutored servants. Shereceived my salutation with a modest courtesy, but became soconfused and agitated as I pressed her hand, that, unable to resistthe temptation, I stole a kiss ere she was conscious of myintention. "It is not kind of you, sir, " she said, in a half chidingwhisper; "you must not do it again. " And she set her black eye uponme, inquiringly, and artlessly raised her apron, as if to wipe awaythe blushes. Fain would I have pressed her to my bosom, andbeseeched her to regard me as a brother. But her face suddenlybecame lighted up with a smile, and such was the perfection of itsbeauty that to me it seemed created only for an angel. I askedmyself if there was on earth any thing I could aspire to with somuch gallantry as her love; nor could I suppress the thought, thathe who would betray it was unworthy even of the devil. 

Bessie quickly regained her temper, and as if suddenly recallingsomething to mind, began prattling to me in the most artless manner. "Just think, sir, " said she, "what a disturbance there is in townthis morning. " And she laid her hand gently upon my arm. "That queerman they call the major, and who is thought half fool and halfphilosopher, has got back; and there's always such a time in townwhen he comes. And, don't you think, he has brought an audacious pigwith him. And the pig has gone to work (they say, sir, that he ispossessed of a devil) and broke into poor Elder Boomer's fowl yard, and eat up all his chickens. And the brute does such queer things!As for the poor elder, God knows he has a hard enough time to live. He only gets five hundred dollars a year, and what the sewing circledoes for him. Only last week the circle gave him new dresses for allhis family, and a nice three-ply carpet, which I made for him. Iforgot to tell you, too, that about a month since the circle gavehim a new set of dimity bed curtains, and two marseilles quilts; andnow they will have to make him up the loss of his chickens. Justthink of it, sir! And he's such a good old man, and preaches suchgood sermons. I do wish, you could hear him once, sir. " Here Bessiepaused to take breath. I assured her that he must be a fortunate manwho had such lips to speak his praises. At which she gave me arogueish look, blushed, and tossed her head reprovingly. Nothing, Ireplied, would give me so much pleasure, especially did she bear mecompany, as to attend the elder's church; but, however strong myinclinations, they could not now be gratified, for the imperativenature of my mission left me but one or two days to tarry inBarnstable. This caused her feelings some disquiet; but with greatgood sense she changed the subject of conversation, and commencedgiving me a detailed account of the various kind acts performed bythe sewing circle, of which she was a member, and which was chieflymade up of worthy ladies, who sought out the needy and relievedtheir wants, knowing that charity well bestowed is recorded inheaven. 

The sewing circle exercised a sort of paternity over all cases ofdistress, and according to Bessie, never withheld relief, exceptwhen the object requiring it was given to strong drink. In truth, itwas held that something must be done for all persons in distress;and so many were the poor foreign families moving into town, that itwas seldom the circle had not its hands full. As to the provisionprohibiting strong drink, it was found at times to work somewhatinconveniently, inasmuch as most of the objects of charity, (theclergy excepted, ) liked a little; and being of foreign birth theycould always find the means to get it, though they generally sworethey had not wherewith to get a penny loaf. 

"And what is worse, " resumed Bessie, recurring to the mischievouspig, "as if it wasn't enough that the elder lost all his chickens, but some evil-minded people must go and get into the church, and puta coop full of poor little fowls on the pulpit. O! there's such anado about it over town!"

It being the custom of the country to breakfast at seven o'clock, and that hour having arrived, a man in a blue smock frock issuedfrom a side door, (Bessie vaulted up the hall as he entered, ) andcommenced ringing a bell in so loud a manner that I verily thoughthe would alarm the whole neighborhood. An opening of doors, and ageneral movement for the dining room, a long, simply furnished, butexquisitely clean apartment, was now made. A table covered withlinen of snowy whiteness, and set out with great good taste, rangedup the center of the room; and we sat down to a breakfast of steak, and ham, and eggs, and cold chickens, and fish balls, and hot rolls, and corn cakes, and brown bread-all prepared so nice and delicately, that even the most fastidious could have found nothing to grumbleat. Indeed it was said of the the landlord of the "IndependentTemperance, " that he spared neither pains nor expense in themanagement of his house, which had gained much fame over thecountry, though it had thrice made him a bankrupt with three scoreof creditors, who were always ready to say wicked things of him. Some people said if the temperance society would only let him havehis way, he would pay, and no thanks to anybody. 

Bessie, and two trimly dressed maidens of riper years, waited uponthe guests, nor thought the occupation bemeaning. And so nimble weretheir movements, and so gentle the manner in which they dispensedtheir courtesies, that I began to regret my bachelorhood, and towish all male attendants exiled to Nantucket, where their habitualunclean condition would find a welcome among the whalemen. 

I had well nigh dispatched my breakfast, when there arose a loudnoise, as of voices in dispute, in the bar-room. Bessie began totremble from head to foot, and to turn pale. "You must give up thepig, or stand the chances-now mind that!" said a voice which I atonce recognized as that of the renowned Major Potter. 

"Heaven knows I am a man of peace; but you must make good the loss Ihave suffered. All this trouble and mischief is done by theaudacious brute you have brought into the town. You go out for good, and always come home bringing the town trouble. I have warned you ofthe error of your ways. But since you take not heed, we shall seewhat virtue there is in the Squire. " This was said in a moremodified tone of voice. Bessie said that it was the voice of ElderBoomer. 

"You needn't think you are such a treasure! The town can get alongwell enough without you. By my military reputation, if I don't thinkall this ado about the poor pig is a trick to get the advantage of aneighbor you imagine hasn't got as good a lien upon heaven asyourself. Now, good man, do you take the safest plan, give theanimal up to its owner, and trust to heaven for the price of thechickens, for it is written somewhere, that peace makers, beingblessed, should not be peace breakers-"

"To quarrel is not my desire, " interrupted the elder; "for suchwould not become me, who have no experience in arms; but I enjoinyou to give up the life you are living, and so turn your energies toChrist's truth, that you may become worthy of heaven. "

"Heaven has nothing to do with my pig!" rejoined the major. "Nor doI think this talking of heaven, while keeping him in bondage, willamount to much. Come! turn him out, be a christian, practice whatyou preach, and trust to heaven for the reward, as you would have medo!" To this the elder replied somewhat testily, that he would keepthe animal fast locked up until the damages were settled, notwithstanding his faith in future rewards was in nowise shaken. Ientered the bar room and found the major thrusting his hands intothe huge pockets of his trowsers, walking round the elder, who was aman of meek aspect, and singularly lean of figure. Then canting hishead with an air of self complacency, he enjoined the elder not toseparate his works from his faith. 

No sooner had the major caught a glance of me, than he approached, saluted me as became his military rank, and drew me aside to show mehow handsomely the Patriot had recorded his arrival. This done, hecommenced recounting the causes of his dispute with the parson, whowould every few minutes speak up, and dispute the truth of hisassertion, which so displeased the major, that had the parson been afighting man, he would have challenged him to mortal combat, as itis called. As it was, he contented himself with getting in apassion, and swearing to have revenge, though it cost him six years'separation from his wife, Polly Potter. 

Although famous for his disregard of truth, the major affected neverto have his word disputed, and was at all times ready to draw hissword in its defence. "Heaven, as you know, knows all things, sir, "said he, addressing himself to me; "and it knows me incapable ofdoing a dishonorable act. And therefore I say to you, for I hold itan honor and no disgrace to be a politician, that if you will hearpatiently the cause of my dispute with this parson, I will acceptyour decision in the matter as final. But, heaven save the mark! useyour judgment a little, sir, and be not like some of our judges, whoseek to please those who promise most, and having little virtue, askyou to accept their good advice in excuse for their evil example. "The major having said this with an air of conciliation, gave hishead a significant toss, and his trowsers, which had got loose abouthis hips, a few twitches into place. 

It now came to the parson's turn to speak. He shook his head atfirst, and was not a little reluctant about acceding to such terms;but on being assured of my position as a politician, who had done somuch for Cape Cod, and the hard cider campaign, he resolved toaccept my decision as final. Meanwhile, the major had screwed up hiscourage, and was making a circle round the parson, and loudlycalling upon the landlord to bear witness that it had been his mottothrough life to wrong no man. 

Numerous idlers had by this time gathered round the disputants, eachgiving his opinion on the merits of the question, and offering toback it up with dollars or drinks. Indeed, some of the opinionsdelivered by them were quite as profound as any delivered by ourCity Justices, and indeed discovered a superior sense of prudence. But it soon became evident that popular opinion was on the side ofthe major and his pig. And popular opinion was right, the majorsaid, and ought to be respected all over the world. At this junctureof affairs, the lean figure of the nonresistant, (who was sure notto be far off when there was any chance of a disturbance, ) stood inthe doorway, and immediately engaged in the dispute. "I have notcome (heaven knows I have not!) to give an opinion; but as I amhere, it may be as well so to do, for heaven knows I am a man ofpeace, which it is my mission to preserve. " The nonresistant washere interrupted by the major, who squared up to him with clenchedfists, and bid him begone, or he would make splinters of him in atrice. The man, however, was not daunted by such threats, andgetting his choler up, told the major he verily believed him to be amixture of Jew and Celt, and as such, always more ready to talk thanfight. He then told the parson, that although he held him in no veryhigh favor, he would hint for his own sake, that he could in no wayget the better of his enemy so well as by releasing the pig fromcustody, and delivering him into the hands of his owner, saying:"'Neighbor, prudence being the twin brother of peace, and both beingacceptable to heaven, I have thought it well to restore thee thypig, that thou mayest comfort him. He has eaten up my chickens, itis true, and he has otherwise done me grievous harm; but I freelyforgive him, seeing that heaven made him a brute. Thou mayest takecare of him; do for him what seemeth good; and know that as achristian I bear thee no malice. Let the good offset the evil, and Iwill trust in heaven to repair the loss I have suffered. '"

The nonresistant held that kindness was of itself so great a weapon, that it would incite generosity in the major-in a word, that hewould give all his tin ware, with old Battle thrown in, rather thanlet such goodness suffer. But the major was not so easily seduced, and, calling the nonresistant a miscreant, he again bid him begone, or he would hasten his exit with the toe of his boot. On assentingto sit in judgment on the case in dispute, I took the precaution tostipulate that peace be preserved, and that the one should keep hislips sealed while the other was making his statement. But the parsoncommenced his statement by declaring the pig to be possessed of thedevil; indeed it could not be otherwise, he said, since the strangeantics it performed, and which he minutely described, betrayed adesire in him only to do evil. This the major immediately rose todispute; and thrusting his hands into the ample pockets of hisbreeches, he declared with great emphasis, that he would not hear aword said against the pig's morals and sagacity, seeing that he hadbeen reared and educated in the care of the clergy. In truth, he hadgiven out so many proofs of rare sagacity, that the major stated itas his intention to speedily proceed with him to New York, there tohave his "Life and Times" written by the erudite Easley, who wassaid to be strangely profound as a critic, in which capacity hewrote for three newspapers, and read for three or more publishers, all of whom where celebrated for not selling less than one hundredthousand copies of every work to which they affixed their imprint, though it was said of them that they had thrown to the public no endof literary carrion, which Easley had praised. 

Order being restored, the major gave way to the parson, who closedhis case by asserting that his poverty entitled him to compensation. The major now rose, and with considerable clearness, set forth thefact, that no evidence had been produced to show either that the pigwas disposed to evil, or that he had devoured a single chicken. Feathers were scattered round, but feathers might have been laidthere as a blind by some rascal who had divers evil designs againstthe hen roosts of his neighbors. Christians ought always, the majorcontended, to take a generous view of things before they couched thefatal spear. Again, there was neighbor Kimball's pet fox, an arrantrascal, who was known to have a strange penchant for young chickens, and had committed depredations enough to consign him to the gallows. 

The above view of the case somewhat modified the parson's temper, and as he would not have those present think him less than aChristian gentleman, who would rather go supperless to bed thanwrong his fellow, he, in the blandest manner, begged them not tothink for a moment that he intended wrong. So, with great sanctityof countenance, he laid his hand upon his heart, called Omnipotenceto witness that he bore the major no ill will, and was ready toatone for aught he had said damaging to his feelings. And thisdisplay of repentance well nigh dissolved the major into tears. Thedisputants now shook hands, and swore eternal friendship. The majorbowed, and placed his hand to his heart; and the parson bowed, andplaced his hand to his heart; and thus was I relieved from renderinga verdict, which most likely would have pleased neither. It waslikewise intimated to the parson, that the sewing circle would makegood his loss, with fourfold interest, which consoled him much. Together then the two friends, without further ceremony, set out torelease the animal from bondage, congratulating one another thatthey had been wise enough to keep out of the hands of lawyers. Onarriving at the parson's yard, to which they were followed by acrowd of idlers, they were not a little surprised to find that thepig had taken his departure, having first beaten the dog in a fairfight, and twice driven the kitchen maid frightened into the house. Great anxiety was now manifested to see an animal of such rarequalities; and on further search being made, he was discovered inneighbor Kimball's yard, fraternizing with his pet fox, andotherwise conducting himself so unbecomingly, as to make it evidentthat the friends of free love had inducted him into the mysteries oftheir system. In truth, he bore no small resemblance to a few of thedisciples of that very accommodating system, for he was lean offigure, had a long, narrow head, and a vacant look out of the eyes. 

"Duncan! my own Duncan!" ejaculated the major, his broad faceflushed with joy. The animal raised his snout, gave a significantgrunt, and ceasing his caressings, ran to his master, a double curlin his tail. Having got possession of his property, the majorreturned thanks within himself, invoked a blessing on the head ofthe parson, whom he cursed in his heart, and set out for home, followed by his pig and a score of mischievous boys, making the veryair resound with their hootings. 

CHAPTER XVII. 

WHICH TREATS OF WHAT WAS DONE WITH THE PIG; AND ALSO OF THE LECTUREON CRABBE, BY GILES SHERIDAN, AND VARIOUS THINGS. 

WHEN Major Roger Potter reached his home, he found his wife Pollywaiting with eager desire to see the animal he had so vividlydescribed. "Pray to God, dear Polly, " said he, embracing and kissinghis wife, as the mischievous boys set up a loud yell, "for our pigis safe, and in him there is a fortune, which you shall share, andhe comforted. " And having consigned the animal to the care of hiswife, who, although a strong minded woman in her way, looked atfirst with no little distrust on the animal, but became favorablyimpressed on seeing him cut certain curious capers round the room. Indeed she soon began to congratulate herself on the possession ofso rare a creature, and to invoke certain ills on the head of theparson for holding him so tight in his fingers. "Peace, dear Polly, "enjoined the major, "for goodness belongs to our kind. Thenonresistant was right, (and right should have its right, ) when headvised me to use goodness as the most effectual weapon to demolishan adversary. It becomes me, as it does all good christians, toreverence and adore the Church; but I own it is not in me toreverence those priests and deacons who affect to regale your palatewith truth, while splitting God's goodness into fragments, merely toplease those who have a terrible thirst to get to heaven over a roadno one else travels. "

"As to that, my dear husband, " responded the earnest woman, "Icannot be a judge. But a major as famous as yourself, should becareful how he mixes glory with his profanity; lest the public, whose servant he is, set it down against him, and use it to hisinjury on election day. "

"Truly, wife, " rejoined the major, assuming an air of greatself-complacency, "we military politicians had needs keep our witswhetted, and be careful how much honey we mix with the brimstone. But I must go look up my chickens; and if the devil, as some say, regulates the future affairs of politicians, we may safely leave ourenemies to him. " The good woman now brought food for the pig, when, having devoured it with a keen appetite, the major, in order to testhis various talents, put him to a severe examination. It was foundthat he could perform with wonderful agility numerous gymnasticfeats, such as jumping backward and forward, walking and vaultingupon his hinder legs, and keeping time to certain tunes. He couldalso distinguish between certain figures and letters of thealphabet, to the latter of which he would, when directed, point withhis nose. Like some of our New York politicians, the pig was awondrous animal in various ways. In fine, so extraordinary was histalent, that, as I have before said, the major resolved at once toproceed with him to one of our great cities, where first ratetalent, whether of pigs or tragedians, was sure to findappreciation. But before this could be carried out, it was necessarythat the services of Monsieur Pensin‚, who gave lessons inpoliteness to youths just entering society, be engaged to cultivateand so polish his manners as to render him an acceptable member ofthe Union Club, under the patronage of which institution, (generallysupposed to have been established for the cultivation of effeminacyand other vices, common to the Dutch of New York, ) he was sure tobecome a lion. Monsieur Pensin‚ had figured in New York; was anexile of unquestionable nobility; and if we can trust the Tribune, ajournal in high favor with foreign counts, a hero of enlargedcelebrity. 

And now the sagacious animal, fatigued with the labors of hisexamination, evinced an inclination to sleep, and to that end soughta distant corner of the room. "We must treat him tenderly, dearPolly, for he has wonderful instincts, " said the major, casting alook of endearing sympathy at the animal. The good woman pledged herword not to be found wanting. Indeed so well did she appreciate theinstincts, and even the tastes of the animal, that, having at hand astray copy of the New York Express, and another of a very rare butno less wonderful journal, called the Mirror, (whose editor wasfamous for the immense amount of light and shade he threw into hisfinancial operations, ) she spread them upon the floor for his bed. And with an evident fellow feeling for those worthy journals, theanimal coiled himself down, casting an approving look at the goodwoman as she covered him with an aged copy of the Herald. Seeing theanimal thus reconciled, the major declared, that so pure a nativeAmerican as Duncan could not have selected bed more appropriate, though he was not quite sure how the Express editors would regardthe matter. Indeed, he was not quite sure that they would not, feeling sorely grieved, dig up Duncan's ancestors, and thereby finda means of damaging his character. 

As the precious animal calmly went to sleep, the major sallied out, having first drawn his sword to disperse the noisy boys who hadgathered about his door, and who hurled no few missiles at his headbefore they were routed. He then set out for the church, where hehad an altercation with the sexton, which had resulted in blows butfor his courage giving out. Twice he lost his temper, and twice heregained it. He at length got into the church, in search of hischickens; and to his great surprise and mortification, found thatsome political or military enemy (he would swear it was no one else)had broken his coop, and set them loose among the pews. Indeed itwas high noon when the major got possession of his fowls, which hedid with the aid of the sexton and several mischievous boys. He thensecured them nicely in his coop, and having shouldered it, returnedto his wife, presenting her with another proof of the success of hisvoyage, and relating how he got the advantage of Mrs. Trotbridge inthe trade of the Shanghais. After which he seated himself in achair, and for several minutes seemed absorbed in deep study. "Now, I tell thee, my dear Polly, " he suddenly broke out, "Major Potterwas born for no ordinary man. My enemies can inflict no injuriesthat will discourage me, for I have got scars enough, heaven knows;and scars are the proofs of a brave soldier. Major Potter never ranfrom an enemy! And that is something for a man to say who has beenin the Mexican war. It was, as you know, by the merest slip in theworld that I did not succeed to fortune the two last times I was inpublic life. And, dear Polly, I have now a better chance than ever, having fallen in with a great politician in search of fame. Byjoining our fortunes I will so manage it as to get the better of myenemies; and with a little aid from my friends of the newspapers, you will yet see me in power. I am a man of valor, I mix but littlehoney with my brimstone; and let my enemies say what they will, takemy word for it, you shall yet see yourself the wife of a foreignminister. "

"As to your valor, dear husband, " returned his affectionate wife, "no one ever doubted it who knew you; and though there is nothing Iso much covet as to be the wife of a foreign minister, and to moveamong great people abroad, and talk about it when I get home, ourfamily is growing up, and need all we can earn to get them bread. And as they might become a town tax, while you were getting theoffice, perhaps we had better thank heaven, and remain humble folksuntil we can get to be fine ones without being sneered at. "

"Indeed, Polly, " said the major, in reply, "if any such mishapshould befall you while I am gone, you must pray heaven, and getalong as well as you can until I send relief. It is noble tostruggle on and wait for the reward, which always comes. " The goodwoman heard these words with tears in her eyes, and began to tax herresolution for means to meet the emergency; for she saw clearly thatthe major had got a freak into his head, and was about to give upthe business of peddling tin ware, at which he made an honestliving, and again lead the vagabond life of a politician. 

And while this colloquy was proceeding between the major and hiswife, I had taken a seat in the reading-room of the "IndependentTemperance, " where Giles Sheridan, the little deformed man, wasnervously pacing the floor, and pausing every few minutes either togive me a few random sketches of his career in the world, or tomutter his misgiving at the result of his lecture on Crabbe. Intruth, he had been waited upon several times during the morning bypersons regarded by the town as famous for their great learning, allof whom said, if he had chosen a subject less remote, they wouldhave guaranteed a large house; as it was, they were not quite sosure of the result. Soon the dapper figure of Bessie appeared in theroom. "Please, sir, " she said, as her cheeks crimsoned with blushes, "they say you came into town with that queer man they call MajorPotter?"

"And what of that, my child?" I replied, as another sentencetrembled upon her lips, which were as tempting as ripe cherries. 

"Why, sir, " she lisped, "you must know that although he now and thentalks like a sensible man, he is set down for a great fool. Heaffords a deal of amusement for the boys, and never comes home butwhat he keeps the whole town in an uproar. Being a great fool iswhat got him elected Major of the Invincibles. And then he fancieshimself a great politician, and goes about the country deliveringlectures, as he calls them, and leaves his family to starve. Proceedno farther with him; for I heard our minister say (and he neverprofanes his calling) that the devil had run away with his brains. He is always talking about his valor, and his military dignity; buthis poor distressed wife can tell you all about that. " She wasproceeding to say much more, but was interrupted by the appearanceof the major, who, as he said, came to say, that as his wife wassick of a fever, and the house in a somewhat disordered condition, Imust excuse his not giving me an invitation to dine with him. Hehoped, however, that sufficient proof had been given to convince meof the high estimation in which he was held by Barnstable ingeneral. "Pardon what I may have said extravagant of myself, sir. The rabble, you know, are always ready to get down a man of genius, and to misconstrue his acts; but the thinking never fail, as theyhave done with me, to give merit its due. " Having said this withrefreshing self complacency, the major turned to Giles Sheridan, (Bessie had left the room, ) and as if to add to his discomfiture, told him he had little to expect from his lecture on Crabbe, of whomit was said that he could not be much of a poet, since the people ofBarnstable knew so little of him. Indeed he offered to wager twodozen tin pints, a Shanghai chicken, and his military honor with thelittle deformed man, that he would give an exhibition with his pig, whose wonderful qualifications had already got noised over town, andattract a greater audience. Indeed, as I have resolved never toswerve from the truth in this history, it must be here acknowledgedthat the pig had become quite as famous as his master. 

The little deformed man was in nowise pleased with such a comparisonof his acquirements, and answered by saying, it did not become himto hold argument with a man, however high his military position, whowould place genius in the scale with brute instinct. Seeing the painhe had caused the little man, the major said he meant no offence, and was ready to get upon his knees, dissolved in tears, if thatwere necessary to a good and sufficient apology. In fine, it must besaid of the major, that, although he was at times emphatic in hiseccentric declarations, he would not knowingly wound the feelings ofthose who had done him no harm. And, unlike some editors of New Yorknewspapers, he always held himself accountable according to thestrictest military rules, nor was he ever known to regard thecharacter of his fellow in arms as of so little worth, that he woulddaily splinter it for the amusement of the public. 

The major said he had come to see if I was comfortable, and toinform me that he had thrown the editor of the Patriot a sly hintabout noticing the arrival of so distinguished a person as myself. And the editor had assured him it would be properly recorded in hiscolumns, and so embroidered as to make it pleasant to his fancy. Themajor now took leave of me, satisfied within himself of havingconvinced me that he was a man of stupendous parts. I must notforget to say that he promised to call again, and be present at thelecture in the evening, inasmuch as his absence could not fail to beseriously felt. 

Night came on, and with it there gathered into the lecture room ofthe Orthodox Church, an audience of many bonnets and muchrespectability. Proverbially inquisitive, the people of the good oldtown of Barnstable were on tip-toe, to see the man of whose curiousfigure they had heard so much. And as if to gratify their curiosity, Giles Sheridan now rose, frisked the little black scroll about inhis fingers, wiped the sweat nervously from his brow, and, in afaltering voice, gave an interesting sketch of the early life of hisdarling poet. This he continued for more than an hour, now warminginto eloquence, now subsiding into a low, desponding voice. But hishearers sat unmoved, nor was one hand of applause raised to cheerhis too misgiving heart. They wondered, and listened, and looked atone another, as was the custom of the country. The little deformedman, however, took it as a proof that he had failed to interestthem; and this sorely taxed his sensitive nature. I ought also notto forget to mention that the speaker was twice interrupted by themajor, who begged that he would state the exact quality of poetrywritten by his friend, the poet. The audience took this interruptionvery good naturedly, while the speaker gratified the major'scuriosity by reciting a number of verses written by him. The majorthen said he was fully satisfied that this Mr. Crabbe must have beena great poet; but he thought if the speaker had known one SergeantMilton, who wrote poetry in honor of the regiment he was major ofduring the Mexican war, he would not have set Mr. Crabbe on so higha horse. Indeed, according to what the major said, this SergeantMilton was the most wonderful poet that ever sung of the MexicanWar; and in addition to the gift of being a versifier, he wascelebrated for brewing an excellent whiskey punch, without which nopoet could hope for prosperity in New York, where punch begatpoetry, and foul linen seemed inseparable from poets. 

The speaker smiled at the major's quaint remarks concerning hisfriend, Sergeant Milton. But such was the failure he fancied himselfmaking, that he would gladly have given the fifteen dollars he wasto receive in pay for his lectures, and said not a word about thevictuals, to have got quietly out of town. But in truth he had not ashilling in his pocket, and the money he was to receive of thecommittee constituted the forlorn hope of his future fortunes. So, with a heart overburdened with despondency, and an eye made liquidwith anxiety, he concluded in a faltering voice, and heaved a sigh. And as no one came forward to congratulate him, and the veryatmosphere seemed to partake of the frigidity of the audience, hewatched his hearers disperse in silence, frisking his fingers, andwondering if he had made them any wiser on the life of one Crabbe. 

But a silent tongue is no proof of what the heart feels; nor doesthe outward demonstration carry with it the stronger appreciation ofmerit. And so it proved in this instance. It being the custom of thecountry not to applaud on such occasions, the audience went home tounbosom its approval, which was of the heartiest kind. On his wayhome, the little man was joined by an elder of the church, who, seeing his despondency, said unto him: "Permit me to congratulateyou, sir, for never was audience more interested in a lecture. Youdid nobly, sir. " The little man's heart was touched. He grasped thespeaker by the hand firmly, and as his enthusiasm broke its bounds, he poured forth his gratitude in a rhapsody of thanks. Indeed, soquickly did the word of consolation reinstate his confidence, thathe became like an overjoyed child, and in the innocence of his heartinvited the elder home with him, that they might enjoy a punchtogether. In short, he not only convinced Barnstable that Mr. Crabbewas a great poet, but so enlisted sympathy for himself, that thebenevolent ladies of the sewing circle, seeing the dilapidated stateof his raiment, made him up a purse, and presented it with anintimation that Warren, the tailor, lived at the corner. I shouldnot forget to mention, that his second and third lectures provedmore successful than the first, and that Major Roger Potter lookedin at the "Independent Temperance" to compliment the little deformedman on the very learned character of his lecture, much of which (sohe said) had so deeply interested him, that he had resolved toincorporate it into his next political speech, which he intendedsoon to make in opposition to that arch agitator, Thomas Benton, Esq. , and which the state of the nation demanded should be done atno very distant day. Having said this, he called me aside, andenjoining me to keep what he said a profound secret, whispered whatwill be related in the next chapter, and took his departure. 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, SOLELY IN OBEDIENCETO THE DEMANDS OF THE NATION, TURNED A DEAF EAR TO THE REMONSTRANCESOF HIS WIFE POLLY, AND SAILED FOR NEW YORK, TO THE GREAT DELIGHT OFLITTLE BARNSTABLE. 

"You will see, sir, " whispered the major, putting the fore finger ofhis right hand to his lips, "that my inclination never runs to smallthings. It quite confounded my wife, Polly, when I revealed to hermy intention of complying with your request, and of our setting outtogether in search of fame and fortune. But as I have the power ofpersuasion pretty largely developed, and am in all quite aphilosopher, I overcame her objections by telling her you were asprightly young gentleman, whose political fame and great learningwas coupled with the most kind and affectionate disposition. 'Honor, husband, ' says she, 'to whom honor is due. I know you have deserved, if you have not yet achieved. But let not your success in officecarry away your modesty and humility. And above all, remember tothink of us at home, for I have heard it said that politicians lettheir loves run too free when away from their wives. ' Having assuredher that I would not forget her admonition, and be careful upon whatdamsel I let a double look fall, she consented that I might depart athird time, and see what could be done. And I made a vow never toforget her while the sun of prosperity shone upon me. Now, if youwill just fix the time of our departure, you will find me ready. Major Potter, as you have seen, is no small man in Barnstable. MajorPotter never comes and goes without being noticed. And if you havn'thad proof enough of my popularity, you'll see what an ado there willbe made when I leave. Honor, as my wife Polly says, always awaitsthem who merit it; and though a man's modesty will not let him befor ever speaking of himself, I may say it to you, seeing that weare about to join our fortunes, that the people never see me gowithout a regret. As to my children, I shall give each an admonitionbefore I leave; and as I hope one day to see them enjoying theadmiration, as well as the distinction my military reputation willconfer upon them, it will be safe to leave the rest to heaven. " Themajor conveyed this information in so quaint a manner that I couldnot suppress a smile, though it disclosed a resolution I by no meanswelcomed. In truth, I had already seen so much of hiseccentricities, that I was hoping our acquaintance would cease inBarnstable. But it now became apparent that he regarded himself notonly a necessary item in my welfare, but as being most essential tothe achievement of my designs. So, charging me to think no more ofBessie, whom he hinted was as coy a little witch as ever waited onthe table of a country tavern, and ready at all times to make lovewith every dashing young fellow who chanced that way, he took hisdeparture, promising to call at noon on the next day. 

Having passed the night in refreshing sleep, I was up with the sunon the following morning, and before noon had received the calls ofseveral distinguished citizens, two or three of whom requested thatI "remain over, " and deliver an address on the state of the nation. Offering my inability as an apology for not complying with theirrequest, I was surprised that so obscure a person should receivesuch homage. The mystery, however, was very soon explained. Themajor, adopting the method in fashion with some of our modernpoliticians, had been actively noising it about, that no greaterpolitician than myself ever lived; and that, being on my way toWashington in search of a foreign mission, I had generously invitedhim to accompany me. The major was indeed building up my reputationwith a view to the consolidation of his own. He had also deluded theeditor of the Patriot, (who was a man much given to good jokes, )into writing several long articles in compliment of my politicalachievements, and which were of so serious a style, that the distantreader, unaccustomed to the tricks of editors, must have beengrievously misled. And indeed such was the fact, for the politicalexcitement makers of New York had no sooner seen the article copiedinto their newspapers, than they set about contriving a plan bywhich to rob the city treasury of some thousands of dollars, underthe pretext of giving me a public reception worthy of the city andso great a man. 

Toward evening, the major made his appearance in the "IndependentTemperance, " and handing me a copy of the New York Herald, pointedto a letter in its columns, written by one Don Fernando, who it wassaid hoped soon to be mayor of the city, which office many personsseriously believed had been created for the accommodation of menhappily endowed with a fondness for showing their greatness, whichwas the case with the aspiring Don Fernando, whose light was notaper burning in a small space. The letter set forth, with manyflourishes, the necessity for showing proper respect to one sodistinguished in the political world. And this the major held to bea significant token of the success that awaited us. He furtherhinted that the next thing we should see would be a resolutionintroduced at the Board of Common Council, (provided a member couldbe found sober enough to do it, ) to vote a sum of money adequate tothe occasion, with an additional clause, that a committee beappointed to carry out the arrangements. But why should not a worthyservant of the people be thus honored? There were those of thehonorable council who held it no harm to be liberal in the treatmentof distinguished strangers, seeing that it cost them nothing, andmight, by some bare possibility, afford them an opportunity ofmaking a speech, as well as indulging a natural passion for freedrinks. The major was in ecstasies with the prospect, and nowdisclosed to me the fact, that he had sold out his stock of tin warefor two hundred dollars, his Shanghai chickens for fifty, and hiswagon for ninety, making in all three hundred and forty dollars, twohundred of which he had set apart as peace and comfort money for hiswife, Polly, and the balance he had resolved to tuck nicely away inhis wallet, to serve in case of emergency. We must take Duncan withus, he said, for he was a pig of wonderful parts, and deformedmonstrosities being much in favor in New York, we could make a goodthing of exhibiting him, which would save us against the rubs of illfortune. As to old Battle, he had been his companion in so many warsand tin ware campaigns, that he had resolved also to take him along, though it cost a new pair of saddle-bags. And as the New Yorkpoliticians were bent on doing him great honor, he would no doubt beinvited to review the troops, (perhaps be escorted by the SeventhRegiment, ) when, as a matter of economy, the animal would serve anexcellent purpose; and, being quite as high in metal as he was inbone, he would no doubt astonish the bystanders with his prouddemeanor. 

There was lying in the harbor of Barnstable, bound for New York, agreat, broad sterned sloop, called "The Two Marys, " commanded by oneLuke Snider, who was an old pilot along the coast, and as burly anold sea-dog as ever navigated the Sound. Luke's wife, a lusty wenchof some forty summers, accompanied him, as mate and could steer asgood a trick as any Tom Marlin that ever stood at a tiller. Indeed, Luke manned the "Two Marys" with his own family, for his two sons, who made up the crew, "went hands before the mast, " while the goodwife added to the office of mate that of cook. The "Two Marys" was, in addition to her other distinguishing qualities, dignified withthe title of "New York Packet, " and when in port always kept a signin her rigging denoting that fact. Indeed, Captain Luke Snider wasregarded an extremely sharp fellow by all who knew him, and inaddition to having carried on a large trade in onions andwatermelons, was a salt water politician of great influence, andcould so direct the votes of his fellow craftsmen as to make him inhigh favor with all candidates for public office. And the major, whohad an eye to the future, never let an opportunity to conciliateLuke's friendship slip, and would at times swear by him. And tofurther demonstrate his friendship for the versatile skipper, he nowproposed that we take passage on the "Two Marys, " as well for thepurpose of disarming our political enemies, who might charge us withpresumption did we take a more fashionable conveyance, as to carryout a genuine stroke of political economy. Feeling that objectionwould be useless, I consented to leave the matter entirely with him, being satisfied that so great a politician and military hero was asafe person to trust with such arrangements. 

And now the morning of our departure having arrived, the brightaurora was filling the balconies of heaven with golden clouds, andall nature seemed putting on her gayest attire. Then the sun rose inall its splendor, and not a cock in town but gave out a crow, nor adog that was a dog that did not send up a bark, nor a sparrow thatdidn't get into a tree top and mingle his sweet notes in the curiousmedley, which the major held to be in honor of his departure, theelements always being on the side of greatness. 

At ten o'clock I took leave of Bessie, having sealed my affectionsfor her with a kiss, and wiped away the tear that hung so touchinglyin her eye, as she said in a subdued voice, "Perhaps we shall never, never meet again. But if you will not forget me, I will not forgetyou. " To which I replied that death only would make me forget her, since there was written in her face loveliness so perfect, that timecould only brighten it in my memory. Again she blushed, and castupon me such a bewitching look that it almost made me falter in myresolution to leave her behind. And my faltering increased as herwarm hand pressed mine, and the words, "Will you write to me, andgive relief to one whose thoughts will follow you?" hung tremblinglyupon her lips. But just then I saw what a great soul she had withinher, and how when moved she would tread upon that dangerous brink, from which so many launch into a world of woe. I pressed her hand inreturn, and bade her adieu; promising never to forget her, nor allowanother to beguile my fancies, but to be unto her as I felt shewould be unto me-the angel of my dreams. 

Hastening on board of the "Two Marys, " I was received with greatconsideration by Captain Luke Snider, who said he was delighted atthe prospect of having so distinguished a passenger, and with nolittle ceremony introduced me to his wife. A gentle wind blew fair, the peak of the "Two Marys'" mainsail hung in lazy folds, and thegreat jib, partly set, flapped every few minutes, as if eager forthe great event of the major's arrival, which was waited by ananxious crowd of idlers, who had gathered on the wharf, and who werediverting themselves with divers jeers at Captain Snider, of whom itseemed they had no very high opinion. Suddenly a great noise washeard in the distance, and the rotund figure of the major, mountedupon old Battle, and dressed in a slouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, made his appearance, followed by a mob of boys, hooting and shoutingat the very top of their voices. The animal, not at all disturbed bythe singular character of the ovation, moved forward at a methodicalpace, whilst the major, judging from his extreme good humor, was nota little delighted at the honors he imagined were being showeredupon him. No sooner did the crowd on the wharf get news of themajor's approach, than they sent up a deafening shout, and hastenedto meet him with so much determination to do him homage, that evenold Battle began to prick up his ears. Two mischievous urchins nowtied a small air balloon to old Battle's tail, while another wouldevery few minutes switch his gambrels with a twig of thorn, and somake him jerk his hinder legs as nearly to throw the indomitablemajor over his head. Duncan, the pig, was led by a boy at somedistance, and performed his part in the comical programme by keepingup a medley of discordant squeals. And what with the barking ofdogs, who seemed to claim a right to take part in the proceedings, and the squealing of pigs, and the loud acclamations of thegrotesque throng, one might have set it down as a fact that LittleBarnstable was out on a frolic. As to the figure cut by the major, that may be safely left to the reader's fancy. His short legs scarcereached below old Battle's saddle girth; and, in addition to theslouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, he wore a shabby white hat, verylike that worn by Philosopher Greeley on election days. Never wasdeparture of foreign ambassador attended with such demonstrations, all of which the major viewed as highly complimentary to him as amilitary politician. Having reached the end of the wharf amidstcheers and bravos, the crowd would not permit him to dismount untilhe had addressed them on the state of the nation. Saying it alwaysgave him great pleasure to gratify the wishes of the people, hefaced half round in his saddle, and bowed with an air of great selfcomplacency. Then his broad, red face crimsoned, and his thoughtsseemed in his beard, for after stroking and fretting it for someseconds, he spoke as follows: "Fellow-citizens: I am sure I have notmerited the great homage bestowed upon me to-day. But that isneither here nor there. Let me enjoin you all to live patriots, avoiding ceremonies and performing sacrifices for your country. Andabove all, live as good christians, and not as flutteringbutterflies, who attract only with the gay color of their plumagewhile they live and die soon to be forgotten. And as to the nationitself, why, may the devil get me, (and I'm no friend of his, ) if Idon't think all that is needed to render it safe, is just to let italone. Nor would it be much lost if some kindly disposed gentlemanwould kill off a few score of our Union savers, who, like quackdoctors, go about with their pockets full of plasters, and are forever hunting for the crack in the nation's skull. And I would adviseall politicians to spin less patriotic yarns, to be more modest, tolearn wisdom, to drink less whiskey; in truth, to think more of Godand their country, and to get them honest godfathers, who will teachthem what a sad thing it is to think so much of the nation's gold. "Having said this, the major stopped suddenly, and turning in hissaddle, caught a glimpse of the air balloon attached to old Battle'stail, which was making curious gyrations in the air; and seeing theludicrous figure he was cutting, he called upon all present to aidhim in punishing the miscreant who dared to offer such an insult tohis dignity. But the crowd only answered with jeers andacclamations, which so increased his anger that he dismounted, and, giving his pig in charge of Captain Snider, led old Battle hurriedlyon board, cursed them for an unthinking set, and set sail amidst theloud acclamations of the crowd. As the "Two Marys" sped seaward, Polly Potter and her three children were seen waving their adieusfrom a neighboring height. 

CHAPTER XIX. 

IN WHICH THE READER IS INFORMED HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER, IN LOVE OFHIS COUNTRY, AND TO SUSTAIN THE HONOR OF HIS PROFESSION, DISPLAYEDHIS COURAGE DURING A STORM. 

NOT a little disturbed, lest I should distrust the quality of hisvalor, the major approached me shortly after we had set sail, andhaving stroked his beard for a few seconds, said: "I do hope, sir, you will not think it strange I did not use my sword to avenge theinsult offered me by the enemies who mixed up with my friends on thewharf. But I am a man of discretion, and my forbearance was inconsideration of my friends, whose bodies might perchance gave gotscarred by the blows aimed at my foes. Being a friend and fellowfortune seeker, I need have no scruple in saying to you, that I havealways held it an axiom, that all great men husband their valorwell, and never use it except with great discretion. In truth, andas I hope to honor the profession to which I belong, it was theexercise of that worthy discretion God implanted in my heart thatsaved me from two duels, the consequences of which might have beenvery bloody. I assure you, I have often thought how, if it had beenmy fate to die in either of those sanguinary contests, my wife Pollywould have heen left to mourn the loss of a most excellent husbandand father. And yet I have just been thinking, how nothing in theworld would so much please me as to see the 'Two Marys' engaged inbattle with a Sound pirate, for then it would afford me anopportunity of letting you see a little of the courage thatdistinguished me when at the head of my regiment in Mexico. "

The "Two Marys" was an exceedingly formidable craft, and very safein a sea, of which Captain Luke Snider, fashioning after those whobuild very bad steamers for a very good natured government, neverfailed to boast. Indeed, the "Two Marys, " like several of our bestboasted war steamers, was not blessed with a capacity for speed, andhad only made forty miles' distance in three days, which fact wasascertained by the log Luke's wife kept with a piece of chalk on thetop of the companion slide. 

It was on the afternoon of the third day, then, that there arose aterrible storm. The wind was in the south-west, and with a peltingrain, the sea rose into such angry waves as to threaten seriousconsequences to all on board, and more especially to old Battle, whohad quarters near the windlass bits, to which he was tied, andwhere, notwithstanding the major's constant solicitude, he became solean of frame that a speedy dissolution was seriously apprehended. And this great event, so disastrous to the major's future prospects, would have been welcomed by Captain Luke, of whose deck he wasmaking sad havoc, and who had twice been heard to say he was only apack of useless bones, whose life would be better saved by his beingthrown overboard. The major overhearing this, was not a littlewounded in his pride, for he set great store by old Battle, anddeclared him an inseparable part of his fortunes. 

And now, while the "Two Marys" bowed her head to the sea, and shookher great jib in the face of the wind, old Battle swung to and fro, and could with great difficulty keep his feet, while his legs wereso swollen, that it required some effort to use them. The majorattributed the largeness of old Battle's legs to a rheumatic gout hewas at times troubled with, and which went far to show that he was ahorse of good constitution, who had been reared in the care of aChristian gentleman of rank. 

While there the animal stood shivering in the pelting storm, presenting as forlorn a figure as could well be imagined, the majordescended into the cabin, and soon returned, bringing with him hisshattered saddle and holsters, and with an air that indicated anamount of courage almost incalculable, soon had it girthed upon hisfavorite animal. This done, he demanded the animal to stand firm, and, with a self confident toss of the head, mounted, to the greatsurprise of all who witnessed so curious an act of daring. He thenbraced himself in his saddle, and commenced to look defiant in the"teeth" of the gale. He had not, however, remained long in thisposition, when a sharp sea struck the "Two Marys, " causing her tolurch to starboard, and prostrating old Battle broadside upon thedeck. Nor did the sea, which was mightier than the major, vouchsafethe slightest respect for him, inasmuch as it sent him head foremostagainst the knight heads, and with so much force, that, had not hisskull been thicker than an ordinary bombshell, there was no tellinghow many fragments had been made of it. As the matter now stood, itonly added another proof to the many instances in which warriors owethe preservation of their lives to the thickness of their skulls. "Icommend my soul to heaven, and call all present to bear witness thatI die forgiving my enemies, " spoke, or rather groaned the major, ashis left hand rubbed convulsively over his haunches, and he cast animploring look upward at those who had gathered about him to rendersuccor. One of the sailors now picked him up in his arms, and laidhim upon the tarpaulin of the main hatch, when, certain restorativeshaving been applied by Luke's wife, he soon began to scratch hishead, and exhibit such other signs of animation as made it certainthe country would not be deprived of his services just yet. Nor wasit many minutes after he had given out such strong proofs of hiswillingness to meet death, when he looked piteously up at the goodwoman, and begged her to get to his poor beast, who was groaningloudly in his distresses, and render him such relief as his casedemanded. 

Great efforts were now made to raise the poor animal from hisperilous position, which great work, to the no small joy of themajor, was effected by putting the "Two Marys" on the other tack. Old Battle now shook the water from his mane, and as if to thank hisdeliverers, gave out a loud neigh. And so suddenly did this bringthe major to his feet, in the full possession of his senses, that heset about thanking heaven for its kind interposition in saving himand his horse to his country, which now stood in such great dangerof being dissolved into fragments, that his whole energies would berequired to save it. Another thankful look cast upon those abouthim, and he spake and said it was, after all, but an interpositionof Providence, merely for the purpose of showing how many trialsgreat politicians had to overcome, and how necessary it was thatthey have heads like New Hampshire oak. And while the docile animaldid penance in the teeth of the pelting storm, the major, his legsseeming to have shortened with the fall, staggered aft, andapproaching me with a confidential air, said: "I respect the greatreputation you have made, young man. And I think you will admit thatit required no small amount of valor even to attempt such a feat asyou have just witnessed. I have read many histories of great men, and they were all liable to accidents at times. But if I did notachieve what I undertook, you must bear in mind the fact, which hasbeen established by certain philosophers who write in Putnam'sMagazine, that the terrors of war are nothing to the terrors ofdisgrace and dishonor; and to face such a sea, mounted upon such acharger, was quite equal to advancing upon the artillery of anenemy. Now, upon my word, I am not so much bruised after all; and asthe accident was not from any want of courage in me, I willpresently give you an opportunity of seeing what sort of metal MajorPotter is made of. " Here the major paused as if to regain histhoughts, and thrust his hands into the ample pockets of histrowsers. Suddenly he remembered that he had remounted without abridle, to which strange oversight he charged all that had happened. "Some look upon the good fortunes of others only to bewail their owncondition in life, but such never was my course. I hold fame agolden treasure, which diligence can unlock, notwithstanding what issaid by our great men of the little newspapers, who, like slightedlovers, always have a portfolio filled with mournful complaintsagainst the world in general, especially if it mind its ownbusiness, and seem inclined to peace. " The major concluded theseremarks, for which Captain Luke Snider was inclined to set him downas not so shallow pated after all, and hastened into the cabin, forthe storm had somewhat subsided, and brought forth his bridle, whichhe had on his faithful horse in a trice. "Pray, good friend, " saidI, "heed well what you do, for a good life saved is worth thereward. And if you should be thrown into the sea, heaven save themark, what is to become of the nation?"

"A man in public life, especially if he have rank in the military, should always prove his valor to those he is called upon to serve;and as there are many ways of doing it, I have chosen this one aspreferable to all others. You must, therefore, shake off yoursuspicions, and take notice of what I do, that you may beartestimony of my courage, whenever you are called upon to do so. Isay this, knowing how curiously officious on matters of physicaldevelopment are the New York politicians, among whom we shall mix, though we must take heed lest, like dogs and crows, they fall uponand devour us. " He now shrugged his shoulders, and, with an air ofresumed courage, again mounted his faithful beast, and, heedless ofthe remonstrances and entreaties of Captain Luke's wife, bracedhimself firmly in his saddle, drew up the reins, and sat facing thestorm until he was drenched to the skin. I now began to fear hewould get benumbed, and falling into the sea become a victim to hiscourage; but on approaching him, and appealing to him to desist, assuring him that the country could ill spare so great and wonderfula politician, he merely wiped the water from his eyes and declaredhis determination not to give in, but to continue thus showing thefixedness of his purpose, until the good woman called him to supper. Fortunately an incident happened, which relieved him of the peril inwhich he had placed himself, in order to sustain what he called thepride and honor of his profession, and it was this: While he wasthus valiantly seated in his saddle, cutting so sorry a figure thatevery parson in the parish would, had he been seen by them, setabout offering up a prayer for his soul, there appeared to windward, and bearing directly down upon us, a large brig under full sail. Shecame dashing on over the sea, and soon it became evident to all onboard the "Two Marys" that there was danger of a collision with thestranger, who was a deeply laden Boston packet, speeding on at noless a pace than ten knots an hour. At first, the major affected notto partake of the alarm which had seized upon those on board, andsaid he rather relished such opportunities of displaying what healways held to be true manliness; but as the stranger approachednearer and nearer, nor swerved a hair from her course, the major wasseen to cast an anxious look now and then at the companion way, asif he hoped to be abundantly rewarded for his valor by retreating tothe cabin. A few minutes more, and the stranger's ponderous bowsrose majestically over the seas, and bore down upon us with avelocity that threatened destruction to all on board. Being now sonear that objects upon her deck were plainly visible, the major tookoff his hat, and, with quick gestures, commenced making signals forher to keep off. But, as if unconscious of being admonished by sodistinguished a major and politician, the stranger varied not a hairfrom her course, but bounded forward, as if determined to comeathwart of the "Two Marys, " to the ruin of Captain Luke Snider andhis good wife. Seeing this, the major looked confusedly for a fewseconds, then alighted with extraordinary agility, and retired tothe cabin, saying he would get his sword and be prepared to give thefellow a warm reception, since he believed him a Sound pirate, insearch of plunder. Instead, however, of returning with his sword, hethought it as well to imitate the course pursued by so many of ourvaliant politicians, and quietly took a seat upon one of thelockers, where he waited with breathless suspense, as if expectingevery minute to see the stranger's cutwater pierce the quarter ofthe "Two Marys. " As for old Battle, he had left him with abenediction, to which he now added sundry prayers for hisdeliverance. It was not, he said, because he had any very strongfears of death, but solely in consideration of what his countrywould suffer by his loss. 

And while the major was thus offering up his devotions, the strangebrig ran close down to the "Two Marys, " close hauled her sails, andpassed astern with a sort of coquettish contempt for so small acraft. In truth, she mistook the sloop for a fisherman, and bore upfor her in the hope of procuring some fresh caught cod; but findingshe was mistaken, was glad enough to be rid of her. 

"Upon my word, " ejaculated the major, with an air of regainedcourage, for he was certain the stranger must have passed, "just letthe fellow come; and if his timbers be not like iron, Major Potterwill give them a shivering. " The major now took down his sword, andmaking several strokes, as if to test the strength of his arm, sworenot to lose so excellent an opportunity of making mince meat ofevery rascal who dared to molest the "Two Marys. " Again appearingupon deck, he cast several anxious glances to windward, and then, having given his head a significant toss, inquired what had becomeof the stranger. "Pray, look the right way, and be not deceived withyour eyes open, " spoke Captain Snider, giving his head a toss, andpointing astern. "Magic, and nothing else, got him so far out ofreach in so short a space, " re--the major, with a flourish of hissword, at the same time declaring his readiness to give old Battleand the gifted pig, if the "Two Marys" would but go in chase of her. 

"Faith, sir, I think it would be as well to let peace reign betweenyou; for though the "Two Marys" is as staunch a craft as everfloated, and might with safety be put upon the chase, I am not sosure what time she would come up. And if you will be cool for thepresent, I promise in due time you shall have a chance at an enemybig enough to test your metal; but it must not be said that bloodhas been shed on board of my packet; for I am a poor man, and, heaven save us, if I should be brought to trial in New York, but itwould go hard with me, for I have heard it said that there the richmay murder, but the poor only are punished for such crimes. "

"As you are absolute in command, " rejoined the major, with a lowbow, "and refuse me this opportunity of showing my skill as asoldier, perhaps it is as well, seeing that discretion is always thebetter part of valor, and in consideration of what I have alreadyachieved, I may put up my sword until larger game offers. "

CHAPTER XX. 

WHICH TREATS OF A DELICATE AFFAIR THAT TOOK PLACE, AND WHICH WAS THERESULT OF A MISTAKE, THAT HAD NEARLY COST THE MAJOR HIS LIFE. 

HAVING generously given up all hope of a tussle with the strangebrig, the major sheathed his sword, and with a condescension worthyof our very noisy senator in Congress from Arkansas, betook himselfto feeding his favorite pig, who was demanding his supper in theloudest squeals his lungs were capable of. "Wonderful as it mayseem, " whispered the major, confidentially, "no great man, with avigorous understanding, would hold these little kind acts damagingto his reputation as a politician; whereas history teaches thatlittle men without reputation are for ever disturbed, lest thecompany they fall into be not equal to their condition. But one mustnot be surprised at this, since great mental powers are nowexhausted over sausage suppers, and the smallest minds have got tomanaging Congress, and through Congress the nation, by merestratagem. You may think, sir, that I meddle with what does notconcern me; but you must bear in mind that I am a man of the people;and though I have compassion for those little minds that so flit andflicker about Congress, I am not so well pleased when they playpurse-mouse to the great rogues of the lobby, who would sell thenation's honor for gold enough to save them from honest labor. " Herethe major patted his pig gently upon the head, as the animal seemedinclined to return such kindness. He then said it afforded himgrateful satisfaction to contemplate an animal of such excellentqualities, especially when contrasted with that herd running aboutCongress devouring the vitals of the nation. 

This strange speech took all on board by surprise, for not evenCaptain Luke, who had seen him perform some singular offices, wouldhave believed him capable of such sound logic. In truth, had he beenany other than Major Roger Potter, the captain had set him down fora profound philosopher. But he had more than once heard it hintedthat the major, when performing one of his political feats, hadhimself played no very inconsiderable part as lobby agent toCongress, where his reputation as a great rogue caused his servicesto be in much demand. 

It was now in the dusk of evening, the Two Marys was shaping hercourse for the north shore, the wind had subsided, and the sea movedlazily along in unbroken swells. Supper was announced, and MajorRoger Potter hastened into the cabin, saying: "It is as well that weeat, for though I feel a qualm coming over me now and then, whichseriously disturbs my temper, I must not forget that food may curethe ills of my head. " Having cast several scrutinizing glances overthe humble fare Luke's wife had prepared, and for the quality ofwhich she offered innumerable excuses, saying they were yet poor, and could not afford better, the major rolled his little blinkingeyes upwards, laid his hat carefully upon the locker, and with oneof his best fashioned bows, and in obedience to what true gallantrydemanded, bestowed upon Luke's wife a compliment which, I venture tosay, there is nothing upon record to compare with it, though suchthings are exceedingly cheap with the profession of which he claimedto be so renowned a member. "Madam, " said he, clasping his handsover his belly, the globular of which had changed somewhat, "thoughI am a politician and a soldier, both of which professions requirethe exercise of great understanding, I can dispense courtesies whenthey are deserved. The supper you have here set out is fit for aprince, and worthy of you as the wife of our gallant commander. Intruth, madam, I have long held that there is no office in whichwoman can so well display the greatness of her power, as in thepreparation of a good supper, and this art I would have themperfect, instead of writing sensation novels for publishers, whothink of nothing but setting the nation by the ears, and puttingmoney in their pockets. If she be good at working a shirt, heavens!but she will be a blessing to the man who weds her, for ourfashionable damsels can neither knit nor sew, and seem fit only forputting carefully away in glass cases. " Captain Luke listened to thedelivery of this speech with dogged silence. In truth, he harbored asuspicion that military men were a little too free with theircourtesies to other men's wives, and that it was just as well tokeep a jealous eye upon them. He therefore desired the major to sitdown and eat such as was set before him, and thank God, for such wasbetter than wasting so much ceremony. 

"I see, sir, " returned the major, "that you do not draw your logicfrom experience, for to praise that which is good, and not thatwhich is bad, as our critics do, is to prove yourself a well bredgentleman. " The major having concluded his reply, drew from hispocket a metal comb, and commenced combing his coarse red beard, when after he had arranged it to his satisfaction, he took a seat atthe table, where he devoured the viands with such evident appetiteas to surprise and astonish every one present. And this furtherincreased the captain's dislike of him, for it concerned him much, lest his stores run out ere his voyage was at an end. As for therest, it afforded them much amusement to see him play so active apart in devouring the food. "I am not a subject for jest, I wouldhave you all know, " said the major, with an air of much displeasure. "It never was charged upon me that I was a man of ill temper; orthat I was a man easily given to quarrels; and as these things aresurely true, so it will not do for you to trifle with myrespectability. There must also be that difference between us whichmy military position demands. " The sternness of these remarks, andthe great gravity with which they were delivered, produced a silencethat lasted for several minutes, and likewise so confounded me thatI began to think his brain was not so much at fault after all. Eachin turn now broke silence by offering an apology, and treated himwith so much consideration, that he arose from his seat in the verybest humor possible, saying that as they had set so good an example, he must acknowledge that he was sorry for what he had said, andhoped they would set it down to his quick impulses, which, thoughincident to the feelings of a good soldier, were marvelously apt tolead him astray. He now remembered that he had left his bridle andholsters upon old Battle, and repaired upon deck to relieve him ofthe burden, which he did with much care and many caresses. 

At ten o'clock, the major, who was not a little anxious lest the"Two Marys" should come in collision with some larger craft, undressed and retired to his berth, where the trouble of the nationceased for a time to distract his brain. All now went smoothly onuntil midnight, when, it being Luke's wife's watch on deck, themajor awoke from his first nap, and hearing his pig running aboutthe deck, making divers noises, as if in great distress, hastened tohis relief in a condition not easily described in this history. Thepig seeing the major in pursuit of him, ran aft with a mischievousgrunt, and was evidently inclined to seek a shelter under the honestwoman's garments. And in fear of a liberty by no means sanctioned inbooks of true politeness, she gave out a loud scream just as themajor, unconscious of the state he was in, for he was too gallant asoldier to have exposed himself to a female, not even in thestarlight, tripped over a rope and fell against her with such forcethat both came to the deck, and with so much noise as to bringCaptain Luke, (who would have sworn some strange craft was grindingthe timbers out of the "Two Marys, ") immediately to the rescue. Unfortunately for the gallant major, he had fallen uppermost, and ina position where the binnacle light threw a curious shadow over thatpart of his person he was most scrupulous in protecting, as are allmilitary gentlemen of quality. I think it may be said, withoutdisparagement to this history, that neither Alexander, nor Napoleon, nor Wellington, nor, indeed, any of the great warriors, whose deedshistorians have recorded with so much ostentation, ever met with sostrange an accident, or one which led to so many embarrassments. Andalthough Captain Luke had never had occasion to doubt the chastityof his wife, whose face, being as ugly as could well be conceived, he had always held to be an adequate protection, his first impulsenow was to take summary revenge for what he considered anunwarrantable trespass upon his rights. Thereupon he seized a club, and in the heat of his passion, and without malice aforethought, oreven giving the major time to extricate himself, he took what hiseyes saw for granted, and so belabored him about the head andshoulders as to render him speechless. 

"Base villain!" exclaimed the Captain, "if your life was worth it, I-yes, I would think no more of taking it--you fish bloodedvagabond! First attempt to make free with my poor wife, and thenaggravate me by declaring your innocence!" Being a man of greatstrength, the captain got his wife out from under the major, whoseblood was running freely, and set her upon her feet, in an almostfainting condition. The affair, though singularly desperate, was butthe work of a minute; and when I reached the deck, the "Two Marys"was in the wind, Captain Luke was consoling his wife, the pig wasrunning about the deck in great tribulation, and my companion inpursuit of fame lay weltering in his gore. Even old Battle had givenout signs of alarm, and such was the state of confusion prevailingon board, that it required no small stock of courage to bringmatters to a requisite understanding. I stooped over the major toascertain exactly how many bones were broken, and as I did so, Captain Luke commanded that he be thrown into the sea. 

"Yes, and let his traps follow, for I verily believe his pigpossessed of the devil, who has thrown an evil spell over the wind, of which we have scarce had a fair puff since we left, " heexclaimed. 

Hearing this command, the major began at once to give out signs ofreturning consciousness, and whispered that though he had receivedgrievous damage to his head, and seriously believed there was not awhole bone in his body, he thought he might yet be sufficientlyrestored to settle his worldly concerns. Indeed he had during hiswhole life made it a point never to shut the door against life, butto so nurse the remaining vitality as to make it take its longestrun, so that one's days in the land be as long as possible. 

CHAPTER XXI. 

WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE CAUSE WAS EXPLAINED. 

ALMOST the first words spoken by the recovering woman were, "Husband, now that I have collected my senses, and come to rememberhow it all happened, I feel you have done grievous wrong to the poorman, for truly it was no fault of his. "

"Fault of his!" exclaimed the captain, interrupting her in surprise. "Pray, whose fault was it then? Did I not see him with my eyes, andin his shirt? The devil take me but if it was you who seduced suchan ill begotten thing, I will soon wash my hands of such a wife, though she had borne me a score or more of children. "

"Listen, dear husband, " replied the good woman, her eyes swimming intears, "and lay nothing wrong at my door, while your anger has gotyour reason; for I know you will suffer most when you come to knowthe cause of all the bruising you have given the poor man. " Themajor now gave out a series of pitiful groans, and so bemoaned hisfate, that even the hardest heart must have dissolved into sympathyfor him. And though he had no sooner gained the use of his tonguethan he declared by all the saints in the calendar, not less thansix of his ribs were broken, and that his skull had received, on asquare guess, half that number of fractures, neither a rib was founddisturbed, nor the slightest fracture in his skull. The blood hadflowed from flesh cuts, which only required a little dressing torestore his head to its original good condition. Ordering a sheetbrought, I threw it over the major, got him upon a seat near thecompanion way, and commenced dressing his wounds, while one of thesailors held the lantern. "Providence, which directs all things, andmore especially the movements of the soldier, must have ordained methis bruising, else I should not have got it, " said the major, shaking his head admonishingly, and casting upon me a look of deepmortification. Ever and anon wiping his nose, as if uncomfortableabout that organ, he expressed considerable anxiety lest his faceshould have got scarred; for he was as vain of his personalappearance as a great New York general I have in my eye, but whoseacts of heroism have never got beyond the columns of the almostpious newspaper he edits. Being assured he was in no way disfiguredabout the face, he raised his hands, and called heaven to bearwitness that he never in all his life concerted wrong against hisfriend's wife, though he had had amours enough, God knows. He thencommenced to give an account of how he came in the questionablepredicament for which he got the bruising, saying, that in hisanxiety to secure Duncan, who, he feared, might get overboard, heentirely overlooked the scanty nature of his raiment, for which hewas ready to offer an apology, and swear that all beyond that arosefrom the great misfortune of having tripped his toe. All this thegood woman was ready to confirm with an oath, if such had beennecessary; but indeed it was not, for the very simplicity of therecital so affected Captain Luke Snider, that he would have goneupon his knees, and offered no end of atonement for the wrong he haddone him, had not the major reached out his hand, and with amagnanimity truly wonderful, declared there could be no strongerevidence that they were both gentlemen, than by settling theirdifferences in a quiet way. And if one condescended to offer anapology, the other ought at once to accept it condescendingly. 

If, then, Captain Snider had shown great agility in seriouslydamaging the major, he now lost no time in bringing balms to healhis wounds, and rendering him such other services as his conditiondemanded. The good woman, too, was not a whit behind any of them;for on regaining her equanimity, she busied herself bringing liquidsand linen, and so bound the major's head with plasters and bandages, (two of which were crossed over his nose, ) as to make it present apitiful picture. Indeed his whole stock of valor was gone, and noone would have recognized the head with the two little eyes blinkingthrough the cross bands as that of so renowned a military man asMajor Roger Sherman Potter was known to be. He now thanked heaventhat it was no worse; and having asked several questions concerningthe safety of his horse and pig, said, he verily believed greatnesswas better illustrated in what a man suffered than in what he did onthe field of battle--an opinion which seems to be largely shared bythe adventurous heroes of this day, since the more they arevanquished the more they value their own greatness. Notwithstandingthis, it must be confessed he had a slight misgiving as to whetherhis military dignity remained undamaged, since the blows wereinflicted with a club, and not a sword. And, again, it afforded himconsolation to think that the greatest men known to history hadsuffered great rebuffs while doing the world service. 

The Two Marys was now well in shore, and being apprehensive lest themajor's condition should take an unlucky turn, Captain Luke resolvedto steer for Tarpaulin Cove, where the aid of a physician could becalled in, if necessary, and also a fresh stock of pumpkin piesprocured. For though the major had been got nicely into his berth, his dosing was accompanied with sudden spasms, arising from acutepain. 

The sloop now continued on her course without anything remarkableoccurring, and arrived at Tarpaulin Cove about nine o'clock on thefollowing morning. And, notwithstanding the major was up andapparently quite comfortable, for he was suffering most from thewounds in his dignity, he refused either to go on shore, or to havea physician called to dress his wounds. Nor did he lisp a singleword about having resided at the Cove not many years ago, where hepursued the business of a dealer in melons and onions, which hesuddenly abandoned, whether for want of success or otherwise, wasnot generally known among his creditors, who had remained ignorantof his whereabouts up to this day, though it was more than oncegiven out, that he had taken to the trade of a "critic of books, "and was in the employ of a New York publisher. 

Indeed the major was not only silent on the subject of his residenceat Tarpaulin Cove, but expressed great impatience to get away fromit, saying, that as his friends in New York would be waiting hisarrival in great suspense, no time ought to be lost along the road. And when he saw the boat coming off with a stock of fresh provisionsand the doctor, he retired to the cabin, and there quietly engagedhis thoughts over an old newspaper. The doctor was a rough sort ofman, and, although he had given much time to the study of medicine, and was celebrated for the purgatives with which he killed hispatients, while preserving the gravest demeanor, could not suppressa smile when brought to confront the major, at the sorry figure hecut in the bandages. "The case seems more serious than I had hopedto find it-an eighth of an inch only saved the cerebral; but I hopethere is no fracture, for that would incur one of those delicateand peculiarly dangerous operations it has not fallen to my lot toperform for so many years, that I fear it would not become me toundertake it, though I was at one time celebrated for my skill, andindeed made my reputation on these sort of cases, " said thephysician, taking a small packet from his pocket, and advancing afew steps toward the major, who moved away apace, and appliedhimself more assiduously to his newspaper. The doctor was at a losshow to account for this movement on the part of the invalid, andturning round to the captain, begged he would say to the gentleman, that he came not of his own accord. In fine, that it was rather topay his compliments to such distinguished persons as he had beeninformed were on board. 

"As to that, Mr. Doctor, " replied the major, who overheard what wassaid, "if you will but leave me your good will, I think I mayventure to get along without your plasters and purgatives, for myconstitution remains undamaged by such things. " The doctor now cameto the conclusion that he had been made the victim of a joke, and, quickly retreating to the deck, he demanded five dollars of thecaptain for the visit, admonishing him in no very amiable terms ofthe consequences, in case he refused. But the captain had not fivedollars to his back, though, as he expressed it, he had good staunchproperty enough to buy a village in Rome. "Then put me ashore!" saidthe doctor, "and I will see what virtue there is in the Squire. " Hewas soon set on shore, with the loss of nothing but his temper, which is either the cheapest or the dearest thing in the world tolose, but which may be regained at any time by applying to thevillage parson. The anchor was then got up, and with a fine, fairwind, the "Two Marys" continued on her voyage, to the great joy ofthe major, who now began to relate certain things concerning hisresidence in Tarpaulin Cove, where, according to his account, he hadheld the high office of Justice of the Peace, and given such eminentsatisfaction in the administration of justice, that his name becamefamous all over the state. As to the doctor, whose name was Killsly, the major described him as as arrant a rascal as ever compoundednostrum or thrust pill down the throat of unwilling patient. "Youmay have thought my conduct toward that man unusual, considering thehabitual courtesy of my profession, " said the major, addressing thecaptain, "but I hold it right, that a man of honor should treat agreat knave, which I knew him to be, precisely in the manner I did. Killsly, it was found, shortly after he came to live at the Cove, had been an abortionist in New York, where he dashed about in alivery of great brightness, and had a purloined crest of so curiousa device that no one could make out what it meant, though severalhad applied to Mr. Hayes, of Broadway, who supplied the wives ofgrocers and linen drapers with arms and crests, (as the dwellers inSnob Avenue have it, ) charging only four shillings and sixpence forhis services, including advice as to what color the livery ought tobe. Killsly was in high favor with what is there called fashionablesociety, which, out of sheer respect for his skill, afforded him nofew opportunities for the exercise of it. At length he got mixed upin a singularly delicate but very common difficulty, which renderedit desirable to make a change of residence. Well, he came to theCove, and here might have lived as every good man ought to live, loving God and keeping his fingers out of his neighbor's affairs;but a damsel, who tossed her feathers at the rustics of the village, and would coquette only with city beaux, chanced to be overtaken bya by-blow and had need of his skill, it being necessary to protecther virtue, which her friends described as being whiter than snow. But death, which scruples not in such matters, betrayed the secret, and sent the whole village into a fever. There being no doubt ofKillsly's guilt in the matter, I thereupon had him arrested andbrought before me; and, being the guardian of public morality, Iordered him to prison, there to await the sitting of the CountyCourt. Believe me, gentlemen, I would, as I failed not to tell him, have had him well hanged, had the case been left entirely with me. But I leave it to others to speak of the justice of my judgments. Now, though I say it, he called me a fool; and for that it wouldhave gone hard with him, since society can well afford to lose allsuch vagabonds. But justice was weak in the screws, and he at lastescaped between what is called a flaw in the indictment and theingenuity of his lawyer, as is generally the case with such knowingfellows. " All this and much more, the major said, and would havesworn it true. The sailors listened with grave demeanor, and weresurprised and amazed at what they considered his extraordinarywisdom. 

CHAPTER XXII. 

HOW NEWS OF AN EXTRAORDINARY CHARACTER WAS RECEIVED AND RESTORED THEMAJOR TO SOUND HEALTH; ALSO A FEW REMARKS CONCERNING THE MANUFACTUREOF HEROES. 

THE judicious and forgiving reader will, I am sure, join me inapproving the facility with which the major regained his stock ofcourage, (lost when entering Tarpaulin Cove, ) on hearing that thepoliticians of New York had determined on making him a hero of nomean parts, and were devising a grand programme for our reception. And this consoling news I read to him from that very enterprisingand extremely reliable journal, the New York Herald, a copy of whichI got of the parson, who was its Tarpaulin Cove correspondent, andadmired it much for its mingling of divine and human things, as wellas the amount of honey the editor always mixed with his brimstone. The Common Council had, according to this sagacious journal, held ameeting, and, at the expense of much unintelligible oratory anddisorder, passed a resolution appropriating five thousand dollarsfor the purpose of giving us a reception worthy of either Cicero orWashington. And this was to be entirely in consideration of thegreat public services we had rendered the country. 

And it was further resolved, and therein set forth, that AldermenPennyworth, of the Sixth Ward, and Brandybottom, of the Second, together with Councilmen Bluster and Sputter, (the last namedgentleman being clever at a speech, ) be a committee of reception, invested with power to draw up and present a suitable address onbehalf of the citizens of "this great metropolis. " It was alsoresolved, in a flourish of speech utterly unknown in anything everattempted by Choate, that the mayor, who, though he contemplatedhimself the greatest of potentates, was famous only for commandingan unruly police to bludgeon the heads of peaceable citizens, shouldpublicly receive us at the City Hall. 

This news so elated the major, that he commenced running about thedeck, after the manner of a madman. He next tore the bandages fromhis head, and swore though his eyes were disfigured, his bodyremained in most excellent condition. As to persecutions, all greatmen ought to endure them with humility, for they were only theforerunners of great honors. He therefore resolved to say no more ofthe scars, but, in proof of his faith, to for ever esteem CaptainLuke Snider a public benefactor, and to set about commending himselfto the consideration of all good citizens, for therein, as heconceived, lay the virtue of true eminence. And now that he had ahorse of such excellent parts, and a pig whose rare gifts, (did thecritics do him justice, ) must prove invaluable, he flattered himselfhe was fairly on the road to fortune, and might safely leave therest to the hero makers of New York. 

I must inform the honest reader, that great value was set by theCommon Council upon the fact, that the major had transferred hisaffections from the whig to the democratic party, which could notfail to shed a lasting luster upon its principles. Two honestHibernian members of the very common board of very uncommoncouncilmen, had, with that modesty so characteristic of them, paidme the high compliment of saying, that I had been justly styled thegreat northern political war horse. I could not suppress a blushat seeing myself cut so strange a figure, inasmuch as the flourishof speech was such as had never been thought of by Aristotle, andwould have paled even Henry Clay. Let no man, therefore, doubt thetruth of what I here say; for I am not given to writing satires, preferring to wait until heaven shall send me some nobler mission. Nor would I have the reader express surprise, that persons so humbleas the major and myself should be thus suddenly subjected to theprocess of hero making so much in fashion with the forty thousandidlers and politicians of New York, who have graciously taken uponthemselves the directing of all public affairs, seeing that good menare so engaged in the getting of gold as to care not a whit if thedevil get all their liberties. And if the reader have read thehistories of Greece and Rome, wherein it is written that he only wasmade a hero who had achieved some great undertaking, and therebyconferred lasting honors upon his country, his surprise may beincreased at the strange elements of character necessary to a heroat this day. But I humbly beg him to consider the circumstances ofthese forty thousand idlers and other politicians, who, having noemployment for their fingers, let the devil direct their brains, andhave turned hero making into a commerce of so cheap a quality, thatno good christian can be got to engage in it. In fine, (and it is novulgar invention of my brain, ) the virtues required of an hero atthis day, are that he have been a great marauder, who, havinginvaded the country of a poor, down trodden people, driven them fromtheir quiet homes, plundered them of their property, ravished theirdaughters, drenched their fields with the blood of the innocent, andwhitened the highways with the bones of his own dissolute butdeluded followers, and spread desolation over the land, had to leaveit a vanquished miscreant. And upon the principle, that if you givepower to the idle and reckless they will make heroes to suit theirkind and circumstances, he will then be received at the Battery witha great waste of powder, and such other noisy demonstrations asshall please the unruly. From thence he shall be conveyed in ashabby carriage, drawn by four lean horses, escorted by six firemenin red shirts, and preceded by two Dutch drummers with seriousfaces, and long, light beards, and a dyspeptic negro fifer, throughsundry of our most crowded streets. And there shall follow him aprocession of urchins, so abject in raiment that all peaceablelookers on will wonder where they came from, and how it happenedthat in a city so well supplied with water their unclean appearance, and the evident satisfaction they derived from scratching, was asight for the eyes to behold. The hero must be careful to admonishthe two or three ex-aldermen who accompany him, that it will not doto expose the necks of bottles in their pockets during their passagethrough the streets; he must also be sure to deliver his bows withbecoming grace, and to keep his right hand upon his heart, (if hehave one, ) giving the mob to understand that therein beats his lovefor righting wronged humanity. Nor will he lose anything inreputation, if he exercise great courtesy in returning thosemanifestations of approbation which are become so common withenthusiastic chambermaids, who flourish napkins from third andfourth story windows, and are mistaken by the uninitiated fordamsels of quality with delicately perfumed cambrics. And as he letnothing slip through his fingers while bathing in blood the homes ofthe people he had made wretched, so must he now comfort himself withthe assurance, that the uproar of the rabble constituting his trainis all cheers sent up by the honest people in admiration of hiswonderful exploits. And, being free from every restraint orobligation, he may, with advantage to himself, recur to the deeds ofC‘sar and Alexander, (not forgetting to remember Cicero, ) to whichhe may compare his own. He can then sneer at your people of quality, and having sufficient cause, prepare himself for a speech ofextraordinary eloquence, in which he need have no fear of profaning, for his hearers will stand amazed, and think how mighty a thing itis to be a hero. 

I would also advise him to give his thoughts entirely to himself, and be careful not to betray them with his words, lest someambitious critic set them down and use them at some future day tohis damage. He must likewise sufficiently eulogize the companions inhis exploits; and though they were true to nothing but debaucheryand their own conceits, it will serve him best if he telldistressing tales of their patriotism. And above all, he will bewholly deficient in rendering himself justice, if he do not setforth with the very best of his rhetoric, how much he ismisrepresented by the press, which will persist in calling him amonster, when in truth he is a servant of heaven, sent upon earth toraise the fallen. And when he shall have been drawn through asufficient number of streets, and the eyes of the curious shall havebeen gratified, and the dyspeptic fifer has exhausted his wind, and, together with the Dutch drummers, can no longer invest the jadedtrain with a martial spirit, then, if the lean animals have strengthenough left in their dilapidated frames, the cort‚ge, as it is wellcalled, may proceed into the Park, where the hero, if it do notrain, may take off his hat to the multitude of rejected humanity, (such as ragged politicians and wasted vagrants, ) there assembled. Having paused a few moments, (to the great impatience of hisshattered admirers, ) that the aldermen who accompanied him mayquench their thirst, he will alight amidst the huzzas of the throngand ascend the platform, built for the occasion by an enthusiasticcarpenter. An ex-alderman, of dogged deportment, whom the clamorousmob greet with the title of judge, will welcome him in an address, (he will read it by the light of a tallow candle, held in the handof a corpulent councilman, ) written by a well starved critic on theTimes newspaper, and for which service he (the said starved critic)was promised five dollars. The hero will undoubtedly take it forgranted, that he is as great a general as he is there set down; normust he be amazed if he find it written of him, that the noble deedsof which he is the champion far outshine all that has heretoforebeen set down in history. In fine, he must receive each complimentwith a gracious bow, remembering that they are employed with thesincerity so characteristic of our gravest politicians. It beingcustomary, I make no doubt the address will be received with"deafening applause, " though it were impossible those present couldhear one word of it. The reading will then conclude with twentythousand voices spontaneously calling for the hero, who must risewith great gravity, and, having surveyed the dilapidated throng, proceed to respond in a speech of at least half an hour long. Whiledelivering himself of this speech, he must be careful not to thinkof the gray haired fathers and mourning orphans he has left tomingle their tears over the devastation he inflicted upon theircountry, lest it damage his rhetoric. But he must declare that he isoverwhelmed with the honors thus showered upon him by an assemblageso respectable. Of course he will not forget to mention, that hisemotions have quite deprived him of the power, even if he had thecapacity, of expressing his gratitude for this very unexpectedmanifestation of their approbation. And this peroration he must end, with complimenting the virtue and discretion, the self sacrificingdevotion, and the high purposes of the motley assemblage, who aremeanwhile getting up numerous fights for their more immediateamusement. 

The drummers and fifer having refreshed themselves, the hero must begot carefully into the carriage by his generals and adjutantgenerals in waiting, when the four lean horses, who were comfortedwith oats during the delivery of the speeches, will draw him upBroadway to the tune of "The dead I left behind me!" It being afternightfall, when the balconies of heaven are filled with black, warlike clouds, it will be necessary that the train proceed withtorchlights, which are an essential part of the ovation to all greatheroes. These generally consist of thirteen lighted tallow candlesand two transparencies, in the manufacture of which six shillingswere expended for as many yards of Lowell cotton, sufficient tosupply shirts to the unwashed Hibernians who bear them. Thetorchlights, as is customary, must be carried by hatless andshoeless urchins, who will feel great pride in the service, and haveno scruple at scrambling for the pennies thrown them by themischievous who line the sidewalk. The transparencies must also bearthe significant motto, "Welcome to the brave. " All this and muchmore being done, the hero will have arrived at one of our mostfashionable hotels, where splendid apartments have been prepared forhim; and for which the cunning landlord was careful to get his payin advance. As those who follow such trains and such heroes have anhabitual aversion to water, its diminution or increase on arrivingat the hotel will depend very much on the state of the weather. Butno true hero will for a moment think of entering his hotel unlessall the ambitious chambermaids in it are grouped upon its balconies, and its entrances so lined with pickpockets, that it becomesabsolutely necessary that his generals force a passage. The crowdoutside will then greet his advance up stairs with much shouting, interspersed with demands for a speech, which, on partaking of awell compounded punch, in which his generals will not forget to joinhim, seeing that he is their only worldly stock in trade left, hemay manifest his willingness to receive friends of distinction. Thisbeing regarded as an oversight by his most famous general, and thecorpulent alderman, he will be reminded that the safety of thebuilding is really in danger from the enthusiasm of the citizensoutside, who refuse to go peaceably to their homes until he appearsbefore them on the balcony, where they can offer him their homage, and hear from his lips at least three speeches. All this being doneto the entire satisfaction of his admirers, then let him snap hisfingers at your unprogressive gentlemen of quality, (who are muchgiven to sneering, ) and comfort himself that "the people" are alwaysright. The torchbearers having exhausted their pennies as well astheir patriotism, and the peaceable intervention of a shower havingdispersed the mob, the hero, satisfied he has received every honor agrateful people can bestow, will, as is customary, betake himselfmuch fatigued to his apartments, where he must remain inconsultation with his generals and a few select friends, (on thegrave question of what is to be done next?) until two o'clock in themorning, or, perhaps, until Aurora begins to open her windows in theeast or the expert bar tender has wearied of mixing libations noteven the most self-complacent of the generals has a shilling to payfor. This sad state of affairs being reported to head quarters, thehero will, unless the aldermen present pledge the city for security, hasten to his cot, and having snuffed out his candle get quietly tobed. 

Having overstepped the limits of my chapter in these few remarksupon our present system of hero making, the reader must look forsomething better in the next chapter, and accept for apology thefact that I have written of things I have seen, out of sheer lovefor the truth of history. In perusing this subject, I had almostforgotten to remark, that the hero, though he have gone quietly tobed, will not be considered at the very apex of his fame until themen of the newspapers, with their usual love of enterprise injournalism, shall have written down and published to the world(they, it must not be overlooked, follow close at the heels of thetorch bearers) all that was said and done, not even forgetting tomention how delicately the horses raised their tails when occasionrequired. 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

WHICH TREATS OF A PARTY OF YACHTERS MET ON THE SOUND, AND WHAT PAINSTHEY TOOK TO COMFORT THE MAJOR, ON BEING MADE ACQUAINTED WITH HISVARIOUS EXPLOITS. 

THE major had been unusually serious during the day, and towardevening approached me with his right hand extended. "I cannot tooforcibly express to you the deep obligation I owe you for the manykindnesses you have shown me. Thankful am I to escape the clutchesof that doctor, though, perhaps, it would have been well to haveenlisted his generosity, and got him to apply his plasters to myhorse, for his legs stand much in need of them. As to the misfortunethat befel me, pray think no more of it; for though I confess tobeing found naked to my shirt, a bishop could not be more innocentof wrong intention, even though he were an Onderdonk, who had beenpersecuted for his virtues. And now, let us change this matter, forI have been considering the profoundness of my purpose all day; andas our reception in New York will be an affair of much magnitude, Iwant to consult you on the most proper measures to be adopted in thepresent state of affairs. My reputation being already established, it will no doubt be agreeable to you that I receive and acknowledgethe honors, you paying that deference to me which an adjutantgeneral pays to his superior. We must master fortune by the quickestprocess; and as it matters nothing to the politicians of New Yorkwhich of us they honor, so long as the ovation affords themexcitement, your ends will be best served by keeping me well backedup. And as there is no knowing what sort of a turn the grandreception may take, I have been much concerned lest those who get itup discover in me (as they have done in worse men) an excellentcandidate for President, in which case I must give great care to thewording of my speech, for that must be made to square with comingevents. " Holding it, as I always have, and shall still continue todo, more generous to forgive the vagaries of men who are given toimagining themselves great, as they, rightly viewed, can do no harm, and, indeed, afford much of that amusement so necessary to gooddigestion, I replied, that I had always considered his claims topublic favor as superior to my own. And this so pleased him, that hedeclared it the first time, notwithstanding his great experience inlife, that he had found a politician willing to sacrifice himselffor the benefit of another, which he swore to remember until the dayof his death. We now sat down together, and continued consultingupon various matters appertaining to our journey, and in which themajor took great delight, especially as I acquiesced in all hisopinions. 

Night had now overtaken us, and the "Two Marys" was proceedingslowly on her course, close in shore. It was impossible the mindcould conceive a finer night, for not a cloud was visible in theheavens, which formed over us a gorgeous arch of azure blue, hungwith what poets call liquid pearls, now casting shadows likefrolicking fairies over the broad sea plane below; and then, afterflitting and coquetting, passed away into the mysterious distance. In truth, so seductive was the scene, that it excited in my breast afew of those fancies of heaven that give so much employment to thebrains of young lovers. Yonder, tall light houses ranged along theshore, like stately giants in their night robes, filling the horizonto the right with a halo of pale light. Then a noise as of therilling of distant brooks came floating in sweet cadences throughthe air, which seemed laden with the perfumes of new made hay; andthe hollow echo of the watch dog's bark mingled in the soulinspiring chorus. And as I turned thinking of Hervey and hisMeditations, my eye caught the ripe moon rising to invest all withthat reposing softness poets and painters have so long in vainattempted to describe. 

A streak of bright light trailed along the heavens in the west, andbeneath it were steamboats so gigantic in proportions that theyresembled illuminated palaces vaulting over the sea; while close offour starboard bow, there appeared advancing toward us a fairy likefleet, with low, rakish hulls, taut rig, and sails made whiter bythe moonbeams playing upon them. The whole fleet seemed to skim overthe sea, though the "Two Marys" scarce moved. One, more tiny thanthe rest, and which appeared to have made an offing, bore down forus, and seemed intent upon crossing our bows. The major, whoseattention had been directed to them for some minutes, and who seemedalways to have a pirate haunting his mind, rose quickly to his feet, swearing that he could not this time be mistaken in the character ofthe craft advancing upon us, since pirates always stole upon theobjects of their plunder, and were, as he had read in variousnovels, just the sort of craft there seen. So disturbed was he inhis feelings, that he demanded of Captain Luke Snider that he make asignal of warning-first notifying the fellow to keep off, and thenthrough the trumpet telling him of what a thrashing he would get ifhe dared to come on board a vessel with so terrible a major forpassenger. Had not old Battle been lying down, and the time requiredto get him up been fatal to such a great undertaking, he would havehad him saddled and got ready for the contest, which he felt in hisheart would be bloody enough to furnish material for three popularnovels. Twice he started for the cabin, vowing to get his sword andbe ready; twice he halted, and with much concern inquired of thecaptain, what he thought of the saucy looking craft. But the captainshook his head, looked aloft, and shrugged his shoulders, whichincreased the major's fears, and afforded Luke no little diversion, though he maintained his silence with becoming gravity. He had nofear of the fellow, "but a good soldier ought always to be ready foran emergency, " the major said. "Faith, and I can swear it by St. Dennis, (who was as good a saint as any of them, for what I know, )he means us no harm, and may bring us good news. I have sailed theSound these thirty years without meeting a craft that would harm mein hull or rigging. A wharf thief now and then carries off my ropes;but then he belongs to a tribe of scurvy vagabonds who never ventureout of New York harbor, for there they have the law on their side, which is well enough for them. "

The major's thoughts were now for several minutes, hung between hisfears and this comforting reply. But not being quite satisfied, heturned to me, as I leaned over the rail contemplating the beauty ofthe scene before me, and inquired what I thought of pirates andtheir pranks. If the approaching craft was not a pirate, he said, her movements at least bespoke her bent on no good. The little craftwas now seen to sheer, which caused the major's perturbation tobecome irresistible; and suddenly putting his hands to his lips, heshouted at the top of his voice: "Ho, strange ship! Whence come you?and what want you, that you steer right in our way? Bear away, there, or may the devil take me but you'll get the worst of it, forthis is the Two Marys, of Barnstable. " All on board were much amusedat this freak, and stood silent, as if waiting for a reply. In a fewmoments the music of a harp was heard, and such was the skill anddelicacy with which it was played, that the very air seemed filledwith mysterious spirits, who, having carried off the lutes of somecompanion lovers, were chanting dulcet requiems. And the soft, sweetnotes floated over the sea in seductive cadences. Then two femalevoices sang sweetly to the accompaniment of the harp; and soexquisite was the effect that I fancied rejoicing angels whisperingtheir songs to the winds that played so gently around us. One of thevoices was a soprano of much sweetness and flexibility, for itascended the scale with great ease, and its higher notes wereflutelike. The other was a contralto of no mean order. And therejoined in chorus with these, two male voices, evidently welltrained, and of much compass. 

The singing threw an air of mystery over the little craft, whichserved to make the major more impatient to know her character. Hadthe place of meeting been in the Caribbean Sea, he said, why, therecould be no mistaking her character, for the pirates who infestedit, as he had read in one of Sims's novels, made their captivefemales sing to them at night, whereas on the Sound, there was norecord of what pirates and oystermen really did with their femalecaptives, unless it was that they banished them to Blackwell'sIsland. But he was still more surprised and confounded when he heardthe words of the song the party in the little craft were singing, and which ran thus:

 "Beneath the stars, so pure and bright, Come let us be merry on the sea to-night! On the sea to-night! on the sea to-night!

 "Let lovers to groves where moonbeams enchant; But we have hearts that are free, And we'll woo on the sea to-night! On the sea to-night! on the sea to-night!"

This song, so curious in sentiment and rhyme, was also written bythe very learned Dr. Easley, who, in consideration of its being aprize song, had it copyrighted. I have, therefore been extremelyscrupulous only to purloin this small portion of it, (knowing, as Ido, the high value he places upon all his literary productions, )lest he hold me amenable to the laws of the country, made andprovided for the protection of poor authors. 

The little craft had now approached so near, that her low, blackhull, with the figures upon deck, was distinctly seen. It wasevident that she espied us, for the singing suddenly ceased as shehauled her wind, which at that moment increased a little, and camedashing down upon us in fine style. And as those on board were heardkeeping up a conversation in French, the major's fears againreturned, and after an ineffectual attempt to get old Battle uponhis legs, he ran aft in a state of alarm, and thus addressed CaptainSnider, who had taken the helm of the "Two Marys":

"I verily believe, sir, these are no friends, for they speak in anunknown tongue, which is that used by pirates when devising infernalplots!"

The Captain, after casting a careless glance upward, as if to countthe mast hoops upon his great mainsail, replied, "That as he was notgifted in tongues, and knew but little of his own, he could not be ajudge; but this he would say, that they were only a party ofyachters, who instead of intending us harm, would pay us thecompliment of coming on board to regale us with their 'good cheer, 'of which they usually had an abundant stock. "

The major's fears now entirely deserted him, and his thoughts weredirected to how he could best appear before such distinguishedpleasure seekers. It has before been described how the major was nota little vain of his military position; and lest the humblecharacter of the craft on which he voyaged might not be regarded inits proper light by the strangers, he thought of mounting hisuniform, in which they would not fail to recognize him as a personof distinction. While, however, he paused in a state of uncertainty, the little craft came within a fathom of us, and a voice cried out, "What sloop is that? and from whence came you?"

"The Two Marys, of Barnstable! six days out. You will be welcome onboard, and such fare as we have shall be at your service!" repliedthe captain, in the manliness of his nature, as he at the same timeordered one of his sons to get "fasts" ready. The yacht (which wasnone other than the "Saucy Kate, " of the Harlem Yacht Club) nowdropped her fenders, and rounded to, like a thing of life, under thestern of the "Two Marys, " while Captain Luke put his helm down, andluffed into the wind. Another minute and she was fast alongside, when there came rollicking on board two ladies accompanied by twogentlemen, whose demeanor, though they were dressed in garbspeculiar to the occasion, at once bespoke them persons of easecircumstance. One of the men was peculiarly tall and and erect ofperson, had a long, brown mustache, and hair that is called Saxon, which he had evidently taken some pains to keep well ordered. As tohis face, though there was nothing particularly striking in it, (ifa resemblance to the great General Webb be excepted, ) I very muchdoubt if Brady could have selected a better subject to fill a vacantniche among those handsome men whose photographs adorn the entranceto his gallery on Broadway. The other was a frisky little man, witha promising red beard and mustache, and a dull blue eye, and alittle freckled face, and a puggish nose. His dress was trowsers ofwhite canvas, and a Norseman's jacket, with rows of large hornbuttons down the sides, and a corpulent cigar pouch in the breastpocket. 

"Upon my life, now, but you can't have much comfort aboard here, "spoke the frisky little man, in a voice of singular effeminacy, ashe tipped the narrow brimmed glazed hat that had covered hisnarrower head. "As for ourselves, " he continued, fingering the greatblood stone studs in his brown cambric shirt bosom, "we arenavigating merely for the love of the thing. Want to get the thingright, and don't care a straw for the expense, not we!" This heconcluded by saying, in a manner so finical that one might havemistaken him for a Bond Street milliner in the garb of a sailor, that his name was Nat Bradshaw, a recently elected member of theUnion Club. The little, finicking man addressed no one inparticular, but seemed much concerned lest we should not fullycomprehend his respectability, though in truth he might have passedeasily enough for a fool. The man of the tall figure, and whosefrank and manly manner was enough to banish the sorrow excited bythe effeminacy of the other, pressed forward with his hand extended, and inquired for the captain. 

"It's me, Luke Snider, who's skipper, " spoke the honest-hearted oldsalt, as the other grasped him by the hand, and gave him such a warmgreeting as made him think he had met an old friend. And while thesecivilities were being interchanged, one of the damsels, a blonde sobeautiful that earth had not, as I thought, another to compare withher, tripped gayly about the deck, singing as unconcernedly as alark at sunrise:

 "But give me the sea, And from the old folks free, And we'll wait for the tide to-night! For the tide to-night-for the tide to-night. "

"He whose thoughts are not given to evil needs no censuring eyes, "thought I, as she turned, and tripping lightly towards me, flung herleft arm round the waist of her companion who was a girl of slenderform and features, and had a countenance in which pensiveness wasdeeply written; then, with her right hand resting gently upon hershoulder, she looked roguishly up in her face, for her eyes were ofcrystal blue, and beamed with mischief, and said, in a voice of muchsolicitude, "Rose, dear Rose! let me snatch away your troubles, forNat Bradshaw, you know, always was a fool. It's a habit he's got ofkissing everybody who will let him. And what's worse, you can't getit out of his head, little as it is, but that he is a greatbeauty-that everybody admires his white hand, and the big diamond Iknow he has'nt paid Tiffany for yet. And because we girls, just totease him, and have a bit of fun, invite him to polk with us, he'sgot to fancying it's all in admiration of his graceful bearing. Oh!he is such a fool; and I don't believe he's got any money! I don't!Just snap your fingers at Master Nat, and tell him not to try itagain! that's the way I do with such jokers. " She spoke with so muchsimplicity, and in so sweet a voice, that the girl of the slenderfigure seemed at once to regain her spirits, while the major, whohad given particular attention to this little episode, now stood inadmiration at the beauty of the speaker's face. Then he approachedme, and placing his lips close to my ear, whispered, "Pray say tothem who I am, and leave me to take care of the rest. " These wordsbeing overheard by the gay hearted belle, she turned on her heelcoquettishly, and vaulting to where he of the tall figure stood, making certain inquiries of the captain concerning his voyage, locked her hands in his arm, and there leaned gracefully for a fewmoments. 

Flora, for such was this damsel's name, had her home in MadisonSquare, New York; and there was about her something so artless andyet so tantalizing, that her power over the affections wasirresistible. In fine, she was one of those dashing, merry heartedcreatures, who make chaos of the affections to-day, and have a balmto heal them to-morrow. 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MERRY VOYAGERS MADE MUCH OF MAJOR ROGERPOTTER, AND HOW THEY INVITED HIM TO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE COMMODOREOF THE FLEET. 

THE captain and he of the tall figure had sufficiently exchangedcompliments, when good Dame Snider came on deck, and invited thestrangers into the cabin to partake of the refreshments she hadthere prepared. But Flora, who was much diverted by the good woman'searnestness, spoke up and declared the hospitalities of the occasionmust be left to her, for she had charge of the larder; and so wellstocked was it, that they could feed six aldermen for a week withoutfear of stint. Nat Bradshaw, too, raised the cigar exquisitely fromhis lips, and in his finicking manner said, the "Saucy Kate" wasfamous for the quality of her stores, nor ever permitted a strangerto do the hospitalities. In truth, it must be confessed that Nat hadwhat is called a streak of generosity mixed with all his weaknesses. 

"No, mother, (you won't think me bold for calling you mother?) leavethe refreshments to me, and I am satisfied, " interposed Flora, taking the honest hearted woman cordially by the hand. Then shedoffed the little hat, that rolled up so pertly at the sides, andhad given her such a saucy air; and as she did so, there fell uponher shoulders such a profusion of golden curls as would have crazedthe heart of a Frenchman. The exquisiteness of her beauty was nowfully disclosed. Her complexion resembled alabaster, and in additionto a face so oval that a sculptor could not have improved it, hergreat blue eyes, which, as I have said before, sparkled like purecrystals, were set off with finely curved arches, giving perfectionto a brow poets call Grecian, and over which two broad wavy plaitsof golden hair floated, as it were. Her nose, too, was of that highborn order we recognize in the delicate but prominent lines, and, together with her mouth and chin, were such that the most fastidiouscould not have detected an imperfection. And as the moonbeams playedupon her features, lighting them up as it were, she seemed acreature more of heaven than earth. 

"Flora! Flora! my dear cousin, " spoke he of the tall figure, seeingher thus doff her hat, "you must not, for I am anxious lest youcatch cold. "

"Cold?" she interrupted with a coquettish smile; "not I, indeed. Thecolds have a liking for Nat Bradshaw. They can get through him withso little difficulty, that they never take to me while he's by. "

"Now, ah! 'pon my soul, that's clever. Say how I owe you one. " ThusNat replied, stopping in a desperate effort to light a short cigarwithout damaging the down he persisted in calling his mustache. Healso raised his hat, and throwing his body into the shape of atriangle, made one of these bows which are peculiar to members ofthe Union Club. 

Rose now came to the assistance of the merry hearted Flora, whoquickly doffed the blue jerkin that, girded round her waist, hadgiven her such a sailor-like air, and disclosed a bust of suchperfect symmetry, that it would have served as a model for a statueof Diana. And this was charmingly displayed in a sleeved corset ofdark green color, cut after the fashion of a habit, with an incisionin front, disclosing a stomacher of fine Spanish lace, set with rowsof tiny brilliants. Her gauntlets quickly followed her jerkin, exposing tiny, swan white fingers, sparkling with jewels. Andalthough herself unconscious of the cause, such was the perfectionof her beauty, that I stood as if transfixed, gazing upon her inmute admiration, until my emotions melted into confusion. Nor wasNat Bradshaw unaffected by it, for I saw him cast an envious eye nowand then. As for the major, he either stood bowing with his hat inhis hand, or was getting in every one's way, and was anxious lesthis introduction be delayed another minute. He afterwards told me ingreat confidence that, when Flora doffed her hat and gauntlets, hewould have sworn her nothing less than an angel he would have takento his arms, and pledged his military honor to worship until death, had not Polly Potter stood in the way. 

Again, Flora struck up her song, and tripping on board the "SaucyKate, " which, with her sails half brailed up, had been left incharge of two boatmen, brought back with her a curious littlepacket, she soon spread into a table, and, with the assistance ofRose and Nat Bradshaw, had it mounted in a trice with cold irisribbed beef, boned turkey, chickens, bird pies, jellies, and abasket of delicious fruit; to which was added lemons, and sundrybottles of champagne, and sherry that had been cooled in ice. 

And while these preparations were proceeding, Major Potter, whom Ihad not yet had an opportunity to introduce, whispered something inthe ear of Captain Snider, who, on turning to him of the tallfigure, said, "And now sir, since an opportunity offers, perhaps youwill permit me to introduce you to my distinguished passenger, MajorRoger Sherman Potter; whose name is come famous in our part of thecountry, where he is acknowledged to be the greatest livingpolitician. "

"Major Roger Potter, I am commonly called, " repeated the Major, placing his left hand to his heart, and, with a motion of his right, in which he held his hat, making one of his politest bows. "And as Isee (and it required no effort) that you are no common people, myreputation is, doubtless, familiar to you, for much has been writtenof me in the newspapers. As to what you say of me as a politician, Iwill leave my right to such honors in the hands of others, since, being a military man, it would not become me to speak of myself. "

"Major Potter!" exclaimed the stranger, extending his hand, andshaking that of the major so earnestly as to make him verily believehe stood before one who had long been familiar with his history. "Iwould indeed be confessing myself stupid to say I was not acquaintedwith a name so famous in the political world. Truly, sir, if one sohumble as myself may be permitted, I will here say, that nothingcould have afforded me so much pleasure as this meeting, for thereis nothing I so much reverence as the man who has deserved well ofhis country. " The stranger, who was something of a wag, was not longin discovering the major's weakness, though he addressed him withgreat deference. But as the major held politeness as something whichchivalry demanded of all military men that they never let themselvesbe outdone in, and for any little neglect of which they were held toa severe account, he, after making a becoming number of bows, replied in this wise: "And since you know me so well, and theetiquette of the profession commands that we speak not of ourselves, will you honor me with your name and the profession you follow?"

"Without the slightest hesitation, sir. I was educated to the law;but since the bar of our city is come to be not what it should be, Ihave thought it as well to live on my money, and save my character. As to my name, they call me Frank Story. "

"Combining all that is great, glorious, and honorable!" exclaimedthe major. "In the village where I was born, your name is asfamiliar as that of the landlord of the tavern. Having done much foryour country, I make no doubt you have sustained the honors left youby the great dead!"

"I see, sir, " returned he of the tall figure, "that you take me fora descendant of the good and much lamented Story. "

"Truly so, " interrupted the major. 

"Which I am not, " rejoined the speaker. 

"It makes no difference; for I hold it just as well that a maninherit the characteristics of a great man from a similarity of nameand profession as by having the same blood in his veins. I hold tothis philosophy, which I find squares with that accepted by most ofour great politicians at this day. On my reputation as a militaryman, sir, I came to respect these principles from first hearing themadvanced by General Cheves McDuffy Quattlebum, while in the MexicanWar, which I had the honor to fight in. Yes, sir; I had the honor offighting in that war, and have seen many a man killed!" Here themajor gave his head a significant toss, and placing his hat underhis arm, thrust his hand into the inevitable pockets of histrowsers. "And as it was said of this Quattlebum that he was thegreatest living politician known in his state, which, if my memoryserves me, and it's not bad, was South Carolina, I make no doubt youwill give great weight to the opinion. In truth, sir, you must knowthat this General Quattlebum was so well thought of in his state, that she would make no exception to his greatness, not even for sogreat a general as Pringle, Allston Commander, who rose from anhonest man and a blacksmith, to be a great military politician, embodying in himself all the necessary elements for dissolving theUnion, so desirable an object with the people of Carolina. "

He of the tall figure listened with commendable gravity to thisstrange display of sense and nonsense, which afforded him muchamusement. When the major concluded, he presented me as the greatestliving politician Cape Cod, or indeed any other district ofMassachusetts, had ever given to the world. He, however, correctedhimself, lest what he had said might compromise his own preeminence, and added that I had joined him merely to gain that experience sonecessary to the perfection of all great minds. This done, hecommenced to give an account of his horse and pig, whose rarequalities he failed not to extol highly; all of which afforded thelistener an infinite amount of amusement. Begging the major toexcuse him for a few moments, Frank Story slipped slily to whereFlora and Rose were setting the table, and calling the former aside, held a conversation with her that showed they were intent uponmischief, for she was heard to say, "Let me alone, and you shall seehow I will play my part. "

And now that the refreshments were ready, (seats being dispensedwith on such occasions, ) the party gathered round the table, andwere served by Flora with so much ease and grace as to surprise evenher own companions, who had not thought her capable of such skill inthe duties of "a lady of the house. " The major commenced to eat withhis eyes fast fixed upon Flora, to whom he anxiously waited for anintroduction. Meanwhile Nat Bradshaw, exhibiting great familiaritywith corkscrews and cigars, had uncorked the first bottle ofchampagne, for which the major had expressed a preference, seeingthat it was a favorite drink with the army. He of the tall figurenow lifted his effervescing glass, and having cast a glance at themajor and a wink at Flora, said: "Now, my pretty cousin, prepare fora surprise!" Flora looked up as if confounded, while the others heldtheir peace. "I will not keep you longer in suspense, " resumed thespeaker, "but inform you that the great statesman whom we seek, andfor whose reception in New York the city treasury has been flungwide open, and which it is the object of the Yacht Club to enhanceby tendering him an escort, now stands before you. My cousin, I nowpresent you to Major Roger Sherman Potter, whose political andmilitary fame even the most malicious writers have not dared todefame-"

"Commonly called Major Roger Potter, " whispered the major, with abow. 

Having offered a sufficient number of apologies for the error, he ofthe tall figure in turn introduced his cousin Flora and her friendRose to the major. The ladies affected not to believe their senses, and for some moments looked at one another in doubt, while themajor, for the first time in his life, acknowledged himselfcompletely overwhelmed by the compliment, as well as the strangenews it conveyed. Twice he bowed, and twice his tongue refused toserve him. But in order the better to express his feelings, he hadrecourse to that method most common with our great actors, who laytheir hands upon their waistcoats, look devoutly into the pit, andseem very generally ready to thank the gods for all their favors. 

"And now, sir, " spoke Flora, with great softness of manner, "sincefortune has been so kind as to afford me this great and unexpectedpleasure of being the first introduced to one so renowned, I willpropose a toast, and with your permission couple it with your name. I propose that we drink, with three cheers: 'All honor to him whohas worthily served his country, in whose history his name will beenshrined for the benefit of unborn generations. '" Having concluded, Flora gave her glass a twirl over her head, and three cheers weregiven so heartily that they went directly to the major's heart, andmade him declare within himself that there could now be no doubt ofhis own greatness. 

"Madam, upon my honor I am no flatterer, but being a military man, gallantry demands of me some acknowledgement of this compliment youhave paid me, and which it would be my life's happiest event tomake, were it not that your beauty so embarrasses me. Indeed, madam, I have, while in Mexico, led various forlorn hopes, charged theenemy's lines, and looked a shower of bullets in the teeth withoutwinking; and all these dangers I would repeat a dozen times ratherthan face the fire of your beauty, to which every hero, howevergreat, must surrender himself a captive. "

"What you say of my beauty, I might say of your valor, than whichthere is to woman no stronger object of admiration. To pay homage tovalor is womanly on the part of our sex. And never in my life have Ifelt, though I have seen some brave men, that I was paying homage togreatness with so much honor to myself. I have read in thenewspapers that our nation, like a sinking ship, was by you savedfrom inevitable fate-"

"Indeed, madam, I leave it to others to say what I have done for thenation. But you will not find me wanting when called upon; and, as Ihave always said, give me but a chance, and they shall have enoughof my greatness!"

"Truly, sir, " rejoined Flora, "I hold it fortunate that the nationshould have found so honest a man. But as government is somethingour sex take no part in, perhaps you can tell me if there be anytruth in the report, that politicians have no higher aims in thesedays than plundering the government; and that patriotism being athing quite unknown, the great object with our congressmen is howthey can best put money in their pockets, in the pursuit of whichthey are so insatiable as to sell their manliness in exchange forit?"

"Since you have set me down for an honest man, madam, which is nosmall compliment, I will say that my wife, Polly Potter, who issomething of a politician, and as true a wife as needs be, alwayssays of me, that my honesty will be my fortune. And as she has aqueer way of expressing herself, she has many times said to me, 'Roger, when them politicians get to strippin' the nation to hervery skin, do thou be the man to come forward and hold down theapron, and keep her shame from being altogether exposed. ' And this Ihave pledged her I would do, and may heaven protect her. As forstripping the nation to the skin, or even taking away her clothes, that, though I am neither prophet nor editor, they shall never dowhile Major Potter has an arm and a tongue. "

Flora blushed, and for some minutes held her peace, as well shemight. And as he had gorged himself to that degree that seriousconsequences were apprehended, and was somewhat disturbed at thequestions Flora would put at the moment when his mouth was mostfull, and which true politeness command that he reply to, thesilence which prevailed afforded him an excellent opportunity fordespatching his meal in peace. Nat Bradshaw, whose countenance worea sinister smile, added to the joke by constantly filling themajor's glass and pledging him in a toast. 

When the major had finished his supper, Flora, whose nature was ofsuch a turn that she could not give much rest to her mischief, entreated him that he relate for their entertainment some of thewonderful exploits of which he was the hero during the Mexican War. 

"Your grace and beauty, madam, and I am no flatterer, demands that Icomply with your request, though it is against the rules of theprofession, which set forth that the deeds of all great military menare the property of the nation, " replied the major. But as hisvanity was stronger than his respect for the rules of the service, he at once commenced and went on to relate some of the mostwonderful exploits ever achieved by mortal valor, all of which hedescribed as having taken place during the war with Mexico, though Iventure to assert that they have never been recorded in anypublished history of that war. Nor will it be necessary to add, thathe made himself the hero of every one of them. Indeed, if there wasa forlorn hope he had not led, or a plan of attack that had not beensuggested by him long before it was executed, they were not worthyof mention in this history. And he would interpolate by saying: "Allthese things I relate no man will deny, but as history takes care ofmy General Scott, so such as me, who have braved the brunt of it, must see to ourselves. " And these marvelous adventures the majorwould have gone on relating until the hour of morning, when sparrowsrise, had not he of the tall figure put an end to Flora's mischief, by remarking, that as the wind was freshening, and the squadron hadtacked ship, it was necessary they return and report what had takenplace to the commodore, who would no doubt receive it as great goodnews. "And now, sir, " said he, taking the major by the hand, "thismeeting will long live in my memory; and since I see you need restfrom your labors, the night, too, being far advanced, we will returnand report, for I see the fleet is put on the other tack, and ourcommodore is strict in the enforcement of his orders. But if it meetyour pleasure, the squadron will to-morrow at ten o'clock form portand starboard lines, fire a salute, and proceed in escort. Thisdone, the commodore will come on board and pay the respect due toyour distinguished position. " The major replied, that the honor, sounexpected, and in truth so unmerited, he could not but confesswould be most gratifying to him; he would therefore prepare himselffor the occasion, hoping they would excuse any little deficiency, for barring now and then he was not clever at an impromptu speech. The party now took leave of him for the night, and having handsomelyrewarded Dame Snider for the trouble they had given her, set sail onboard the Saucy Kate, her white sails flashing in the moonbeams asshe made for the fleet, and the music of Flora's voice floatingsweetly over the sea. 

CHAPTER XXV. 

WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RECEIVED BY THE COMMODORE OF THEYACHT SQUADRON, AND SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THISHISTORY WOULD NOT SUSTAIN ITS CHARACTER FOR TRUTH. 

UNGRATEFUL indeed would it be in me, the writer of this history, thecompanion in arms, and admirer of all that is great and good in themajor as a military politician, did I fail to record, in honor ofhis gallantry, of which none could be more scrupulous, that heoffered his arm and escorted Flora safe on board the Saucy Kate, apologizing for the worn condition of his raiment, and regrettingexceedingly that he was not habited in his uniform. And althoughflushed with the importance of what had taken place, the major washaunted with a misgiving as to what ladies of such quality wouldthink of his traveling in so humble a manner. But he bethoughthimself, that neither scepters, nor miters, nor grand equipages, make the man-in fine, that a man may ride an ass without saddle orbridle and find a good home in heaven, when the doors would be shutagainst bishops who roll about in liveries devised by the devil, which is his occupation. And this brought him such infinite relief, that he hastened to his faithful old Battle, and having bestowedupon him sundry caresses, told him he ought to be thankful he had sofortunate a master. He also paid a visit to his pig, who wassleeping soundly in his cage of slats. "Now, then, " said the majorto himself, as he looked in upon the animal with an air of greatself-satisfaction, "in the possession of this gifted creature I havea staunch reliance. And should fortune again send me strolling uponthe world, as it has done many a popular politician, I will sodevelop this fellow's gifts that they shall be worth a bank in WallStreet. In truth, he is as well bred as most of our politicians; andas to his honesty, I will pit him against any of them. " As Duncandid not manifest the slightest regard for these kindly tokens, themajor went quietly into the cabin, and there occupied himself formore than an hour furbishing up a sword of uncommon size, and athree cornered hat the moths had reduced to dilapidation, though hecharged it all to the bullets of the Mexicans. And when they werepolished to his entire satisfaction, and he had twice or thricethanked God that it was not the failing of politicians to turnparsons, as it was with parsons to turn politicians, he lay downupon the locker and soon was in a sound sleep, in which he dreamedof a thousand or more things that were to take place in honor of himon the following day. 

The Saucy Kate was not long in gaining the commodore's yacht, arakish looking schooner of some two hundred tons, whose lofty sparsand middle staysail were seen overtopping the sails of her lessercompanions, like a giant among dwarfs. And although it was pastmidnight when Frank Story entered her cabin, he found it filled withmembers of the club, who, at the invitation of the commodore, hadleft their several yachts, and were making night jubilant over atable spread with choice wines, of which there was no stint. Therewere also massive punch bowls, of chased silver, standing here andthere along the table, and filled with delicious punch, which thosewho preferred drank from goblets of silver and gold. Commodore Skim-merhorn, who sat at the head of the table, was a man of rotundfigure, had a bright, ruddy face, and was frank and easy in hisbearing. When he of the tall figure entered they were discussing aquestion of Greek criticism, some of the members of the club beingmen of much taste and learning. But this they suspended in order tohear his report of the strange sloop. And this he commenced torelate, describing with so much quaint humor the wonderful major hehad found on board, that they were all surprised and astonished. Intruth, not a few proposed going immediately to pay their respects tohim, and learn to what manner of mankind he belonged. But if theywere surprised with the description, they marveled when told thatthis major was no less a person than he whom the New Yorkpoliticians intended to make such an ado over. However, as the NewYork politicians were most known for their folly, and making a heronow and then was with them a means of getting bread, it was not sosurprising that they chose for a candidate one who would passreadily for a fool. 

The speaker added, that with all the vanity of the man, (and inconceits he could not be surpassed even by the erudite Dr. Easley, who contemplated himself the most learned scholar and critic, ) hesometimes spoke such sense as to make the listener mistake him for awise man. He next afforded them much diversion by relating whatpassed when he informed the major how the squadron had come insearch of him, and were delighted at being first to do him honor. Every one present entered immediately into the joke they resolved tocarry out on the following day, which was arranged with greatdeliberation, lest any part of it should fail of being properlyexecuted. 

And now that Aurora had taken down her shutters, and was filling theeastern sky with pale, misty light, that threw an halo over thedeep, dark foliage of the mountain heights, reflecting their shadowsalong the still, polished waters, so lovely was the morning, so likea picture of repose each object, and the whole so invested with amysterious stillness, that one might have mistaken it for a fairyscene. The yacht squadron was ranging alongside of the "Two Marys, "forming a port and starboard line, with the Commodore off theweather bow. As the sun peeped out from the watery horizon, two gunswere discharged from the Commodore's yacht, and so loud was thereport that the major suddenly stopped his snoring, and springing tohis feet in a state of great confusion, began to call out at the topof his voice that the sloop was sinking. But he as suddenly regainedhis senses, and called to mind the honors that were to be paid him, he felt great alarm lest he had overslept himself, and besoughtCaptain Luke Snider, who turned out of his berth at the same moment, to run upon deck and say he was not quite ready to receive them. Butas Captain Luke took no heed of his request, and thought only ofgetting into port, the major, in his great anxiety, ran himself upondeck in his shirt, and cut so sorry a figure that no man would haveenvied him. All was as still and lonely as the Lybian coast-not awail came over the sea. Now only the dull stillness was broken bysome forlorn robin whistling his song along the shore. 

The major, satisfied that the cannon were fired only to welcome therising sun, and not in honor of him, returned to the cabin, where hegot into his breeches and boots. He then drew from under a pile ofrubbish in one of the berths, a pair of holsters, he declared werepresented to him by General Jefferson Davis, for gallant deeds doneduring the Mexican War, though no sensible man would have given adime for them. With these, and his saddle and bridle, he againrepaired upon deck, where, after no little exertion, he got oldBattle upon his feet. 

"It seems, my faithful horse, as if heaven lent thee to me for amighty purpose, " said the major, addressing his horse, who gavehimself a hearty shake, and stretched his head and neck to theirutmost extent. And after he had said many other encouraging thingsto his horse, he gave him such an excellent rubbing down that, hadit not been for the immense size of his legs, which now appearedquite as short as the major's, no one would have taken him for thesame animal. This done, he bridled and saddled him; and with theholsters secured (though they were without pistols, ) he was in themajor's eye, as war-like a horse as could be desired. 

The morning advanced, and breakfast was scarcely over, when a breezesprung up, which, giving the squadron a leading wind, they began totrim their sails. A port gun was then fired from the commodore'syacht, which was followed by their colors being run up, and floatinggayly in the wind. A boat now put off, and being rowed by four men, with an officer in the stern sheets, soon reached the "Two Marys. "The officer came on board, and with great courtesy of manner, inquired for Major Roger Potter, who now came forward dressed in themost wonderful uniform ever worn by military politician, inasmuch asthere were two patches on his seat of honor, and his coat, whichcould boast of but one epaulette, had lost a portion of the tails. 

"He whom you seek, honored sir, " replied the major, making a lowbow, "stands before you. And as I see you are an officer, here's myhand, for it does me good to meet a brave man. "

The officer who was slender of figure, and had a youthfulappearance, now delivered a letter from the commodore, saying thathe was delighted to have met one who had so distinguished himself inthe country's service, and that he held it an honor of no smallimportance that he had been selected to perform this mission. Andwhen he had taken his departure, which he did without furtherceremony, the major approached me, and opening the letter, asked meto read it, as he was none of the quickest at reading writing, which, indeed, was a failing with all great men. I took the letterfrom his hands, and read as follows: "On board Yacht --, June 14th, Throg's Point bearing W. N. W. 12 miles distance. 

"The Commodore of the Yacht Squadron presents his compliments to hishonor, Major Potter, and begs to say that on becoming aware of thegreat reception to be given him in New York, and that it was solelyin consideration of the great services rendered his country, in waras well as peace, the members of this club, desirous of enhancingthe grandeur of that reception, passed a resolution declaring ittheir unanimous will to proceed without delay to meet you, offer youtheir congratulations, and escort you to the city. And as the dutyof presenting you their congratulations devolves upon me, I have inaccordance with the usages now common among all public speakers, transmitted a copy of the remarks I intend to make, to the end thatyou may be released from all embarrassment. 

"With great consideration, &c. , &c. , "VAN STIVER SKIMMERHORN, "Commodore Commanding, &c. , &c. "

"To the Hon. Major Roger Potter, On board the sloop 'Two Marys. '"

On hearing this read, the major's head seemed to fill with varioussuspicions, for his hands again went into his inevitable pockets, and he gave his shoulders a shrug expressive of his thoughts. Buthis suspicions never stuck to him long, and he soon found comfort inthe fact that there was the commodore's full name attached to it. Hethen set to teasing his beard, and giving himself to his thoughts. "Pray, young man, " said he, "say nothing of my trade in tin, for Isee these are men of quality, and, having heard of me only throughthe newspapers, know but little of my true history. But, let myenemies say what they will, I am not a man to stand at trifles. Honors never puzzle me: it's the thickness of them. I say, though, that when fame puts a man on the pedestal he must never think offalling to the ground, for that would be a fear unworthy myprofession. " He now read and reread the commodore's letter, and atlength said, that though he had written speeches for and givengrammar lessons to New York members of Congress, the composing asuitable reply on such an occasion as this alarmed him not a little. In truth, such little things belonged entirely to polite society, and required a grace and diction rarely attained by politicians. Indeed, he regretted much that he was not where he could obtain theservices of one of those New York critics, who, being the sons andgrandsons of poor bishops, write learned book notices by the yard, and get up addresses for distinguished actresses, who deliver themon occasions of receiving bracelets and necklaces from theiradmiring friends. "Remember, young man, " he resumed, "that the pathof honor is open to you as well as me. I say this, because it hasjust struck me, that we can best fulfill our obligations to oneanother, by your writing the speeches and me delivering them. Heavenforbid that I should want to wrong you; but we must take up thefruit as it falls. Now surely you will write me a neat reply to thisfellow-say much about what I have sacrificed, making it, at the sametime, so easy that they shall not have a suspicion of theauthorship. And above all, endeavor to make me speak like a sensiblegentleman. "

Having taken great pains to aid the major in all his exploits, I wasmore than anxious that he should deport himself properly on thisoccasion, and hence readily consented to accept the task ofpreparing his reply, selecting for the service all the choice wordsI could find in an old speech of Thomas Benton's, delivered by himmany years ago, in reply to an address in compliment of his thirtyyears' services in the United States Senate, and presented by acommittee of the Young Men's Missionary Society for distributingbibles to indigent authors. It must here be said of these younggentlemen, that they had no masked motive in thus complimenting thevenerable senator, which they did simply from hearing that hiscompassions had taken a new turn. 

I soon arranged the method of my important task, and was teachingthe major how to deliver the speech, when a barge was seen alongside of the commodore's yacht. Then a salute of seven guns announcedthe embarkation, and when the smoke rolled away, the barge, rowed byeight sturdy fellows, was seen skimming over the sea, and making forthe Two Marys with all speed. "Upon my soul they are coming, and amerry party they are, " said the major, settling himself in hisstrange uniform. The barge pulled alongside, as the portly figure ofthe commodore, his chapeau raised, stood up in the stern for amoment, and then mounting over the rail was on the deck of the TwoMarys in a trice. The major now came forward with an air of pomp andcircumstance it would not be easy for the reader to paint in hisimagination, unless indeed he had seen General Webb on his way to atea party. The commodore now elongated his body and bowed, and themajor elongated his body and bowed; after which they approached oneanother as men so distinguished ought to do, when he of the tallfigure, who accompanied the commodore, came forward, and with greatdeference of manner did the honors of the introduction. And whenthey had exchanged civilities and bows to their satisfaction, thecommodore spoke as follows: "Since, sir, the high honor ofpresenting you with the congratulations of our club devolves uponme, I may here be permitted to say, that no event of my whole lifehas afforded me so much pleasure. In presenting, then, their heartycongratulations, welcoming you at the same time to our greatmetropolis and its hospitalities, I cannot too highly express mysense of the many services you have rendered the country, which owesyou a higher reward than this club can bestow. In addressing thegreat and the good-the hero who has fought his country's battles, and the statesman who has carried her safely through impendingdangers, our emotions too frequently carry away our power to renderdue homage. Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for thisfeeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a statesmanand patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well known andappreciated among us. You have, whenever your country required, lentit the strength of your arm and the influence of your high position;and we seek to pay you homage, because we know, that should she needit again, you would not be found wanting. Nor do we forget your highpersonal worth, for we have read how well and worthily you haveacted the part of a philanthropist, in raising up suffering humanityand redressing the outraged. As an humble expression of our esteem, we beg you then to accept the services of the squadron under mycommand, in escorting you to the city, where your many politicaladmirers are prepared to receive you with such honors as greatnessnever fails to command. " The speaker concluded, maintaining hisgravity of countenance. But the major bowed and was not a littleconfused, while several of those who stood by, cried out "bravo!"and were much diverted. 

"Truly, Mr. Commodore, " replied the major, whose head was so thinthat he had let every word of the speech I prepared for him get outof it, "as a principle, you may set it down that the weight of anhonor is best felt by the man who has deserved it. In accepting theflattering tribute of respect you offer me, let me say, thatalthough I am no scurvy politician, and have opinions enough of myown, I intend to let history take care of my acts, for the verdictof the nation, which is an exacting tribunal, is rendered in myfavor, and if the devil and my enemies only mind their business, there will be no need to meddle with it, as I have heard it said ofother men. And now that I am more a man of acts than words, as nodoubt you have read, let me say that I accept this great honor, thesincerity of which is evident in the earnestness with which youoffer it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your greatmetropolis may grow greater and be all you expect of it; and like achaste and virtuous woman, do you see to her, that she be notexposed to the designs of demagogues, and that her virtues creepalong with her fair fame. " The major delivered these remarks with somuch ease and fluency, that the listeners stood in silence, andbegan to think the man they had had described to them for a fool, was in truth an eccentric politician, who was using this mode ofdiscourse only as a means of deception. But when he invited them toexamine his horse and pig, which he did while giving the mostwonderful description of their varied good qualities, and the manyservices they had rendered him, the color of his brain at oncediscovered itself. 

One after another, the party, having exchanged congratulations, engaged the major in conversation, and found that he had readyanswers for all their questions, though many of them were far offthe mark, illustrating the fact, that his mind had been much givento the affairs of the nation, of which he had the most confusedideas. In order to afford the visitors some diversion, he alsouncaged his pig, and made him perform a series of antics trulywonderful, and with which they not only expressed themselves highlysatisfied, but deeply interested. 

The major now visited the commodore's yacht, and was received with asalute of thirteen guns, which he felt in his heart were solely incompliment to his humble worth. A party of richly dressed ladieswere on board the yacht, and received the major with so muchdeference, that he felt sure not even the slightest mark of respecthad been omitted. In fine, the ladies all gathered about him, andwere so eager to emulate one another in showing him respect andconciliating his favor, that even Flora, who declared herself hisfirst admirer, could with difficulty get an opportunity to presenthim her souvenir in the shape of a wine cup bearing her name. "Ah!sir, " said Flora, reproachfully, "last night you condescended tosmile upon me, and I took your smiles for serious intentions. Indeed, I say it in honest truth, that your winning manners had muchaffected me, though my heart is not of the melting sort. But now, sir, I see you are an arrant coquette, and no exception to the restof your profession. " Another damsel of comely features had set uponthe major, and was exciting his vanity to no small extent, whenFlora interrupted with the above remarks, preserving a mostimpatient countenance as she did so. 

"As I live, fair maiden, I have no wrong intentions, for my wife, Polly Potter, is not yet dead; nor is it right of a soldier totrifle with the weaknesses of woman. Being a soldier and noflatterer, I will say this, that your beauty has made me yourvassal, and had I a dozen hearts, ten at least would be yours. "

When they had frolicked with him to their hearts' content, theyescorted him into the cabin, where a sumptuous collation wasprepared, and to which he, after considerable ceremony, sat down andate enough to have satisfied three critics for at least a week. Theythen plied him with punches and other strong drinks, which were somixed as to seriously affect his brain, for it began to reel up hisvision, and he broke forth in the most spasmodic strains, addressingthose present, whom he declared a political assemblage, on the stateof the nation. In my determination never to swerve from the truth inthis history, I am compelled here to record, that the Yacht Clubfound they had paid dearly for their joke, inasmuch as the major, adopting the conduct most in fashion among the politicians ofTammany Hall, did, during one of his strongest oratorical displays, suddenly spring upon the table, demolishing much valuable glass, andmaking wreck of everything in the vicinity, which, as a popularpolitician, he swore he had a right to do. The state of confusionbeing now complete, the ladies ran screaming up on deck, and it waswith great difficulty the major could be restrained from behavinghimself like a madman. At length, from raving about the state of thenation, he relapsed into a state of stupor, in which he became soinsensible that they were all alarmed lest death step in and put anuntimely end to his existence. In truth, so much did they fear theresult of their joke, that they would have sent for a parson andbegged him to pray kindly for the poor man, but that he opened hiseyes, and gave out such other signs of returning consciousness asassured them that the only danger now to be feared was that he wouldsoil certain portions of his raiment, which, were it to get out, (and there were always malicious persons ready to speak ill of apolitician so famous, ) it would do him irreparable damage. 

And now, having transcended the limits of my chapter, I must beg theimpatient reader, if he love a joke, and have no scruples about itsnakedness, to turn to the next, where he will find a result to hissatisfaction. 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO PERFECT HEALTH; AND ALSOAN AUTHENTIC DESCRIPTION OF WHAT TOOK PLACE ON HIS ARRIVAL IN NEWYORK. 

IF, reader, you be an honest man, and in any way acquainted with thepranks of politicians in these our times, you will not pour forth alamentation over what I have written; for I take it you will seethat I have broken the filthy clods only, to get at the real truth. But if you be a politician, thief, or housebreaker-in fine, if youbelong to any of these twin professions, the members of which findit convenient to extinguish the light of their own history, and takeno delight in truths which concern themselves, then I may expect tobe visited with your eternal enmity. Sweeten, then, your breath; andif you would send me to that place I have firmly resolved never togo to, pray call to your aid such papers as the New York Tribune andEvangelist, for they are both clever at sending all who differ fromthem to the devil, without even the aid of clergy. And as those sentto the devil by this medium have only the Editor of the Herald formourner, just imagine that gentleman in tears, and chide me no more, for I must see to the major. 

The critical condition in which I left the major renders itimperative that I should return to him without further delay. And Imust here say, then, in restoring him to consciousness, that muchice water was used, a portion of his hair and beard was shaved off, and sundry aromatic liquids applied to counteract an odor that wasby no means delightful to the senses. And when he had recoveredsufficiently to sit up, his eyes were fixed confusedly upon thoseabout him; then his hands wandered to his haunches, and he heaved adeep sigh. "Pray tell me, gentlemen, (for I seem to have just comeout of a trance, ) what has befallen me? Pray tell me, gentlemen, that I may offer you such an apology as becomes my position, for Iam in a condition no man need envy. And to lose a hard earnedreputation so easily is no trifling thing. " The commodore wasstruggling to suppress his laughter, which had been excited by theforlornness of the figure before him. He however begged the major tobe composed. As to losing his reputation by so trifling an accident, he enjoined him not to think of it, since history afforded numerousinstances of great heroes who had met with similar ones. In truth, it was just such an accident, taking place on the commencement of agreat battle, that saved General Cushing from the bullets of theenemy, and his life to the country! And this timely accident Irecord here for the benefit of that admiring generation which is yetto come, and which might be deceived by that worthy historian, theauthor of "The Mexican War, " who recorded with so much faithfulnessall his gallant deeds, and hanged himself when he had finished. Hearing this, he at once took heart, and declaring that it was allowing to a derangement of the stomach, said, that although it wasthe first time in his life that he had ever met with such anaccident, he had not the slightest doubt of its influence for good, since a man's virtues lay in his power to bear up under such trials. 

They were now nearing the city, and the "Two Marys" having been leftfar astern, the squadron put about, preparatory to setting the majoron board his own ship, which was done without the firing of a gun, and with as much caution as if they had been handling eggs of avenerable age. It must however be said for the credit of themilitary profession, that the major never relaxed one iota of hisgallantry, and left the yacht with many kind remembrances for theladies, especially Miss Flora, whose beauty he declared he had neverseen excelled, though he had read all Mrs. Southworth's novels bycandle light. It ought also to be mentioned that one of theofficers, seeing his necessities, and being a man of a philanthropicturn, gave him a pair of breeches, with a stripe down the side. Andwith these the major consoled himself that he had at least partedfriends with the Yacht Club, and that, after all, there was no greatloss without some small gain. 

The squadron executed a maneuver, fired two guns, and parted companywith the "Two Marys, " as, with seven days' news from Barnstable, sheneared Peck Slip, and made fast to a wharf, on which was assembled avery dejected looking throng of people. Those fortunate enough tohave hats took them off, and began cheering in the wildest manner, whilst the more respectable, whose raiment was of an exceedinglydamp description, and had been used at night for beds, took to usingtheir hands upon the heads of their neighbors. Here and there aphilosophical policeman was seen, with his hands in his pockets. "Heavens!" said I to myself, "instead of being on the road to fame, we have fallen among vagabonds, who will plunder us!" But I wasrelieved of my fears by being informed that they were all honestvoters, who, though they had not a shirt to their backs, tookrighteous good care of the city's affairs. 

When it became known that the major and myself were really on board, there was a great firing of guns, and such other demonstrations ofwelcome as made the major glad at heart; for he had changed hisnether garments, and was now sure the news of what had so recentlybefallen him had not reached New York. There now came on board fourflabby men, dreamy of countenance, and whose dilapidated garmentsbespoke them persons of menial occupations. But as neither St. Paul, nor Alexander the Great, nor Henry Ward Beecher, (who, I take it, isas great a man as either of them, and will leave more portraits ofhimself than both, ) never dressed according to their"circumstances, " so these four flabby men, the major thought, mustnot be judged by the condition of their raiment, for it was nothingnew to see great men shabbily dressed. 

The shortest of the four flabby men, an oily sort of shabbygentleman, who was blind of an eye, and had very disordered redhair, and a bruise on the end of a very red nose, which looked likea birch knot growing upon a redder face, now came jauntily forward, and having doffed a much damaged hat, that sat on the side of hishead with a challenging air, and approaching the major, who hadarranged his uniform to the best advantage, spoke as follows: "Longlife t'yer 'onor, for me name's Dinnis Finnigan, born on the banksof Lough Neagh, near Kerry; but for all that, as I says to myself, Dinnis yer jist as good an American as iver drew first breath on thesoil. And now, seein' it's yersel, Major Potter"--

"Commonly called Major Roger Potter, " interrupted the major, with abow. "And since I see you seek me, I may say I'm the person. I makeno doubt you have heard of me. I need not say how glad I am to seeyou, for that will be told you by my private secretary. " Here themajor turned round and cast a glance at me. 

"The same man that wouldn't hear of the likes o' ye, major, would'ntbe much of a politician. Ye'r as wilcom as the flowers of May, jist, " resumed Mr. Dinnis Finnigan, who now disclosed the singularfact that, (Mr. Finnigan was a reformed member of the "Dead RabbitClub, ") he now formed one of the Board of Common Council, where noman could vote better on a question of money. Mr. Finnigan wasevidently not dead to the importance of his office, for he promisedno end of things in honor of the major, to the carrying out of whichhe pledged the city, and would with equal sincerity (for his mindwas in a condition to make cities appear very small) have pledgedthe whole Union. 

The major had for some moments been fixing his eyes upon Mr. Finnigan with a scrutinizing stare. Suddenly his face becameflushed, his eye quickened its glare, and he stammered out, "I knowwhat belongs to good manners, and though you may be a councilman, Mr. Finnigan, my eyes, and they are good ones, tell me I have seenyou before. "

"Faith, an' that same's not unlikely, " interposed the moistcouncilman. 

"Aye, and when you went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, andfollowed an occupation that cost me all my money. "

Here Mr. Finnigan quickly interrupted by saying that as they hadboth attained to the position of gentlemen, it were best to adoptBishop Hughes' motto, and let bye gones be bye gones. In truth themajor recognized in Councilman Finnigan, the honest Quaker, GreeleyHanniford, who, with General Fopp, of "Pleasant-side Row, " hadmanaged to relieve him of all his money during his first adventurein New York. 

"But although he neither acted justly nor honorably towards me, ourconditions have changed, and it does not become my high position torake this thing up now, so let's hope he is come an honest man, anda good politician!" thought the major, extending his hand to themoist councilman, who was not a little troubled at the oldreminiscence. 

"And my motto is, major, let them what's dead, stay dead! But sinceits not mysel is to spake the addriss, but Dan Dooley, who, by theVirgin, is an alderman, a gintleman, and the friend of FatherFogarty-"

Seeing there was an old score to be wiped out between Mr. CouncilmanFinnigan and the major, Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, who was the tallestof the four flabby men, and a whiskey visaged gentleman of ponderousparts, now came fussily forward, and after exchanging many bows andcompliments with the major, saying how extremely glad he was towelcome him to the city, introduced him to his son in law, Councilman Dennis Blennerhasset, a frisky little man, with a cockedup nose, and an expression of countenance in which no man with halfan eye could fail to read in what land he drew his first breath, if, indeed, the rich brogue with which he returned the major'ssalutation had not already revealed it. Having, long since, resolvednot to have my veracity as a historian impeached, I must not forgetto state here, (and I warn every pugnacious critic to be careful howhe points his lance at me, ) that Alderman Dennis Dooley, althoughthe firm friend of Father Fogarty, was said to be the ablest editoron the Evening Express, which for its profundity of logic, andpurity of style, was truly a marvel in journalism. As for CouncilmanBlennerhasset, no man could bring aught against his capacity formixing compounds of deleterious liquors, which he sold to thedecaying humanity of his district; and, being what was considered amodest man, the notion came into his head that he was born for thehigh office of Councilman the very day he married the daughter ofAlderman Dooley. Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset spoke of himself as wethe common council, we the elected to do you honor on this greatoccasion; we the representatives of this great and gloriousmetropolis. Having accommodated the we a sufficient number of timesto satisfy us that he had the whole city nicely tucked away in thepocket of his shabby coat, he turned round to introduce AldermanBarney O'Toole, who, as a man and a gentleman, could do more offhand fighting than any other man in the board, and was the fourth ofthe flabby men. But that distinguished politician and gentleman, whohad been seven times sentenced for smashing the skulls of hisadversaries, was not at hand, having, while Mr. Blennerhasset wasthickening the compliments, winked me down into the cabin, where hedrew from his pocket a luminous bottle of old Bourbon whiskey, andin the most friendly manner offered to pledge me in numerousglasses. 

Just at this moment, a dozen or so of wan faced reporters, inmassive beards and black hats, pressed eagerly through the crowd, and went to work like beavers dotting down all that was said, and alittle more. Then commenced the address by Alderman Dan Dooley, whose breath was redolent of anything but the balm of a thousandflowers, and who delivered his speech with an unctuous selfsatisfaction, and in a style of rhetoric totally unknown toPericles, and never thought of by Demosthenes. The address wascarefully worded, so as to make the major a greater statesman thanhad been known in any previous age, which is a fashion at this day;and if I be not much mistaken, this speech was written by thatwitty scribbler of the "Times" newspaper, who gets up speeches forheroes at five minutes' notice, and then, having pocketed the money, laughs in his sleeve at the men he has made fools. 

As addresses of the nearest possible resemblance to that deliveredon this occasion by Alderman Dan Dooley, may be found almost any dayin the morning papers, I hold it good economy not to occupy myvaluable space in recording it here. Nor, indeed, will it benecessary to insert the major's reply, since it was very similar tothat made by him to the Commodore of the Yacht Club, and may also befound in all the newspapers. And now, when these ceremonies wereover, the major bethought him of his horse and pig, the former ofwhich he found surrounded by a swarm of unruly boys, whom thestrange figure he cut, with the holsters and saddlebags mounted, afforded much amusement. The latter was quietly lying down in hiscage, but came forward to render homage as soon as he heard themajor's voice. I should mention that the major always aimed to be upto the fashion of the times, and learning from CouncilmanBlennerhasset that demonstrations of a more public character hadrecently been declined by one or two very distinguished politicians, he made up his mind not to be a whit behind any of them, (for thereason of which the reader may discover by conjecture, ) andtherefore positively declined all public demonstrations, notwithstanding the Splinters' Guard was soon on the spot, ready todo him escort duty. He, however, retired into the cabin, where, (Isay it without envy, for I love a brave soldier, ) he took a quietglass of whiskey and a sandwich with the very honorable "committeeof reception. " And this being duly noted by the reporters, (one ofwhom was seen purloining a sandwich or two, ) the major gavedirections about the care of his pig, ordered his saddlebags uponold Battle, who was weak enough in the extremities, and proceeded tothe wharf amidst the deafening acclamations of a hundred raggedurchins, who, notwithstanding the distress of the animal, would havemounted and rode away, but for the kindly interposition of twopolicemen. 

There was standing on the wharf a somewhat dilapidated carriage, towhich four lean gray horses, such as are used for drawing all greatheroes through the city, were harnessed, and presented so forlorn afigure that one might easily have imagined them employed by thedevil to convey to his dominions that shabby class of sinnersconsigned to him on Sunday evenings by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Into this the distinguished representatives of the great metropolisinsisted upon getting the major, that he might be conveyed to theapartments secured for him at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, in amanner becoming so great a politician. But as the major was notquite sure whether his reputation would be best preserved bysticking to the politician, or by dropping the politician, andsticking to his laurels as a military man, he shook his head andhesitated for some time. He was half inclined to dub himself thewarrior; and as warriors always appeared best on horseback, he was, to the great delight of the throng, about to mount his faithfulanimal, assign me his seat in the hero-trap, and follow at arespectful distance. But he bethought himself that both were nobleprofessions; and, surely, to emulate in both must be a prominentdesire with all great men. After holding a consultation with me, hesaid he always remembered the motto: "Great is the man who humbleshimself. " Being satisfied then that it would not lessen his dignity, nor, indeed, in any way detract from the character of a militarypolitician, who had need enough to look to his laurels, he agreedthat Alderman Dan Dooley should ride old Battle. And with thisresolve he at once repaired to the carriage, in which he took a seatwith the three gentlemen of the committee, leaving me to pick my wayas best I could, and drove away for the hotel, (followed at arespectful distance by the loquacious alderman, thus comicallymounted, ) with this strange string of cattle. And this wonderfulcort‚ge was followed by scores of hooting and ragged urchins, whoswitched old Battle's gambrels, and annoyed him in so many ways, that the alderman at length lost his temper, and was several timesforced to dismount and beat back the harassing enemy with stones andsuch other weapons as he could lay his hands on. 

And now, gentle reader, fearing I may weary you with this long trainof nonsense, which, however, I have endeavored to make conform tothe follies of the day, I will close this chapter, and for what tookplace at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, refer you to the next. 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

WHICH TREATS OF MANY THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL, ALL OF WHICH TOOKPLACE WHEN THE MAJOR ARRIVED AT THE GREAT ST. NICHOLAS HOTEL. 

So great was the anxiety of the reporters to jot down the mosttrifling occurrence, that they followed close at the heels of thejuvenile rabble, and at times were in great danger of getting theirheads cracked by the missiles hurled by the infuriated alderman, who, in his heart, had a holy horror of such persons, and would havekilled a dozen of them without shedding a tear, though they hadseveral times made very intelligible English of his veryunintelligible speeches. Fatigued and almost out of breath, they, however reached the grand hotel in good time, and quite tookpossession of the landlord's best parlor, though he was as polite agentleman as could be met with in a day's journey. They then enteredhis gorgeous bar-room, and partook freely of his liquors, (of whichhe kept none but the best, ) telling him that as they were withoutmoney, he must charge the score to the freedom of the press. Thehost being accustomed to the pranks of these worthy men, as they arecalled by their employers, bid them take comfort in his house; atthe same time, knowing their propensities, he cautioned them againstmaking free with his chambermaids. 

The cort‚ge had been proceeding at a slow pace, which so increasedthe difficulties they met from the ragged urchins along the road, that the driver whipped up and arrived at the hotel in peace. Butthis rather increased than diminished Alderman Dooley'sdifficulties, for old Battle being unable to quicken his pace, theurchins made him the object of their mischief, and so retarded hisprogress that the major had arrived full half an hour when hereached the hotel. In truth, he was compelled to dismount and leadthe animal, in order to secure his own safety. 

The reception at the hotel, as it appeared on the following morningin the newspapers, was something truly magnificent, provingconclusively that the reporters had seen no less than one hundredpersons for every one present. My love for truth in all matters ofhistory constrains me to say, that these reporters made a greatmistake, since nothing could have been more simple, and yet inkeeping with true greatness, than the major's reception at thehotel, and this for the very reason that he had outdistanced therabble. My declining years and gray hairs forbid me envying any manhis laurels, but I will not degrade a noble profession by makingmyself the vassal of every great man who sets foot on these shores. I say, then, that when the cattle and the major reached the door ofthis spacious pile of white marble, wherein cheap luxury awaits themillion, it was near sundown, and the only persons standing at thegrand entrance, were those eight or ten bediamonded gentlemen whocarry on their occupation in suspicious places, and are commonlycalled swell mobsmen, though judging from the air and circumstancewith which they occupy the great entrance to the great St. Nicholas, it would seem as if the landlord had employed them for the doublepurpose of ogling ladies as they passed and holding up his marblecolumns. I should indeed be sorry to hear that this was true, for anextremely respectable acquaintance tells me the landlord is a mostexcellent gentleman, and looks well to the reputation of his house. 

As the carriage stopped the major cast a glance upward, as ifviewing the curiously wrought lintels of the massive marble front, and exclaimed: "Upon my soul, gentlemen, it is so grand I begin tofear I shall not be comfortable in it. " He had scarcely concludedthis sentence, when a distinguished politician, habited in soileddrab trousers and a shabby brown dress coat, and a badly collapsedhat, which he wore well down over his eyes, rushed eagerly out, andwas followed by a mellow faced policeman, with a green patch overhis left eye and a club in his right hand. Constituting inthemselves a committee of reception, the distinguished politician, who was a delegate from the custom house, now made himself rightbusy in getting the major and the high functionaries safely out ofthe carriage. And this being done without delay, the policemanordered the swell mobsmen to stand back until the distinguishedpolitician had presented his congratulations, which he did, addingthat he had long been familiar with the potency of the major'sgreatness, which the city, unlike other cities, was always ready tohonor. 

The strange figure cut by the major, in his stranger uniform, attracted the attention of sundry enthusiastic chambermaids, whoappeared upon the balconies, and recognizing in the character of theteam the arrival of an important personage, commenced wavingnapkins, and giving such other visible signs of their admiration, that he was with difficulty restrained from making them a speech onthe spot. 

He now moved quietly into the house, the jaded policeman on hisright, and the distinguished politician on his left, and followed bythe three high officials and a score of reporters. Turning neitherto the right nor the left, he proceeded straight on into the greatbar room, where the queerness of his walk and raiment attracted nolittle attention among the well dressed gentry who nightly meetthere to discuss over well compounded punches all affairsappertaining to the welfare of the state. And here, having quenchedtheir thirst in mixtures of whiskey and water, which is the favoritedrink with all really great politicians, the party quietly retiredup stairs to a splendidly furnished parlor and bedroom, provided atthe expense of the city, against which a score of six shillings nowstood at the bar. 

A sudden commotion in the street, accompanied by shouts and huzzasthat made the very air echo, discovered the fact that Alderman DanDooley had arrived. Indeed, the scene that at that moment was beingenacted in Broadway beggared description, and caused a greatscampering among the reporters, who hastened to the spot in ordernot to lose a single occurrence. There stood old Battle, bespatteredwith mud, and in a condition so pitiable, that no trulyphilanthropic gentleman could have withheld his tears. Near himstood Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, excited, distracted, infuriated, andswearing by all the saints in the calendar, to have revenge of aswarm of unwashed and ragged urchins, who stood jeering him at arespectful distance, and whom his sudden advances and retreatsrather amused than daunted; for although they seemed in no wayinclined to stand his charge, they would follow his retreat withrenewed energy. A waiter now relieved the animal of the saddlebagsand holsters, and taking him by the bridle led him limping to thestable, where he seized with great avidity the hay and oats setbefore him. A second policeman, according to a well respected customamong the force, came up when all the trouble was over, andaddressing the discomfited alderman, said: "If I had been a minutesooner, sir, this thing would not have occurred; but I was calledfrom my beat to quell a brush at fists between two of our commoncouncilmen, at Florence's. I now come to your protection; and as youare a worthy gentleman, whom it is my office to obey, say but theword and I pledge you my faith to club the heads of every one ofyour persecutors. But first let me entreat you to get into thehouse, and if my club fail not, you shall see how I can keep thepeace. "

The alderman listened with great attention to the policeman, converted his rage into discretion, and disappeared in the great barroom of the St. Nicholas, where he forgot his afflictions in a stoutdraught of water and whiskey, which so addressed itself to hisdignity, that after ordering it charged to the city's account, herepaired quietly into the presence of his true friends, who hadalready began to unite in compliments to the major. "Now, meiger, "spoke Mr. Alderman Dooley, approaching the major, with his righthand extended, "understand that it's we that are the riprisintitivesof this mitropilas, in which ye're as wilcome as the flowers of May. Mind that now! And may the smiles of heaven rest upon ye, an' uponthe gineration ye bilongs to. Gifts, meiger, are given to the greatfor a pirpose. Faith, it's my own exparience tells me that! Whishtnow! (Here he tapped the major confidentially on the arm. ) The citymanes to do ye 'oner enough, oneyhow. An' its myself and Terry Brady'll see the pay comes. " Terry Brady was the name of thedistinguished politician. Mr. Dan Dooley now being, as he said, "entirely done out, " flung his hat under the table and himself upona luxuriant sofa, carved in black walnut, and upholstered with greenand orange colored brocade. And upon this he felt great comfort forhis feet, while the high colored figures of the Turkey carpetafforded him an excellent target for the substance he ever and anonejected from his spacious and discolored mouth. 

And, too, my high regard for the fair guests of the great St. Nicholas, of whom it was said by these malicious reporters that theyrushed "en masse" to receive the major, immediately he entered thehouse, reminds me that I must not forget to mention, that the onlyladies present were the wife of the distinguished politician, and adamsel of fair looks and firm virtue. I am no higilian, and only usethe term "firm virtue" here, as being applicable to this damsel; foralthough no end of slanders had been cast upon her, the man whodared to come forward and say he had trifled with her chastity, wasyet to be found. By these, I freely confess he was received with acourtesy worthy of so great a politician. 

And now, when it was night, and two thousand jets of gas threw ablaze of light over the massive pile, which seemed suddenlytransformed into a regal palace, where high colors and cheap revelrywent hand in hand, the party, joined and rejoined by several otherdistinguished politicians, refreshed themselves on a sumptuoussupper, which the landlord had prepared without regard to expense. And when this was over, and the major's arrival had got fully noisedabout, there came such a throng of rejected humanity that the housepresented the appearance of a palace beseiged by bread rioters. Andso impassioned did the clamor of the throng become, that I thoughtif Saint Nicholas, who was supposed to be the presiding deity ofthis hotel, could look down upon it without a frown, he must be anuncommon saint. In fine, the landlord found that getting so great apolitician into his house was not much to its reputation, as theeclat therein gained would be counteracted, with tenfold interest, by the pilfering propensities of his unwashed followers, who nowrushed into his house in such ungovernable confusion that guards hadto be stationed along the passages, armed with tipstaffs andbludgeons. Indeed, he wished in his heart that the devil or someother gentleman of quality had Major Roger Sherman Potter, for thenhe could preserve the good name of his patron saint. 

Persons of every political hue and circumstance poured in, werepresented to the major, and drank of the liquors which were beingordered without stint and despatched with the same freedom by thehonorable committee of reception. And thus they came, and drankgreat draughts, and complimented one another. And although not a fewmarveled at finding the major such a queer person, and quite unlikewhat he had been represented, all joined in drinking his health andflattering his vanity. And when it was ten o'clock, there camedivers delegations of ungainly persons, (from the custom house, andthe post office, and Tammany Hall, and various other halls, ) such asfighting men and vagabonds, who, being headed by such ambitiouspoliticians as the invincible George Branders, and flanked by thetoo honest Emanuel Hart, presented an appearance so suspicious thatthe guests of the house began to look well to their pockets, whilethe landlord set several of his servants to gathering up the oldclothes. Indeed, it seemed as if rascaldom had broken from itsdominions to revel in the palace of St. Nicholas. And as all theseshabby gentlemen, but very excellent politicians, stood much in needof something to quench their thirst, it was soon found that thesmall sum set apart to pay the landlord for all his services, wouldnot even wipe out the score at his bar, to say nothing of the damagedone his furniture and other little affairs. He had given bed andboard to many a man without getting a dime in return, and thankedheaven that good fortune had enabled him to do so, but now he wasnot a little disturbed in his temper at the state of his accounts, for he knew the city was as slow to pay an "over ordered" bill as itwas quick in paying homage to great demagogues. He therefore, in thekindest manner, intimated to the major, that unless he would bepersonally responsible for the "surplus, " he must close the score athis bar. And this he said in self-protection, for no man could laythe charge of having done a mean act at his door. The major, withbecoming courtesy, pledged his honor to the landlord, and bid himthink no more of the bill, since if he closed the floodgate of hisbar, which gave out such exuberant medicine as made the tears ofpatriots to flow, his power would surely be at an end. "Be notagitated, sir, " said he, with an air of enlarged self complacency, "but convert your misgivings into confidence in me, for I see youare a true republican, and would not harm a man whose fame is sowell established. " Thus the major addressed the landlord, whoretired with regained confidence, and, as I thought, a feeling ofself reproach for having intimated his doubts in the matter. 

The major was now getting weary with the mighty business ofreceiving the compliments of ten score would-be patriots and noisypoliticians, when there entered a greater man than any of them. Andthis was no less a person than Don Fernando, a man of much will andcircumstance, and now mayor of the city. Many things had been saidof this truly great man, not the least of which was, that the Romansought to be thankful that he was not born in the days of the C‘sars, though in the honest yearnings of his ambition he had frequentlyindulged in the thought, that his wisdom and invincibility of armwas second to none of them. Indeed, it was said among other things, equally true, that he had more than once consoled himself with thefact, that if he had not gained the notoriety of C‘sar, it was nofault of his will, for he could make promises he never meant tokeep, and gnash his teeth at his enemies, to an extent that ought tosatisfy the most enthusiastic admirer of Roman greatness. Butrepublicanism, as developed by the prudence of our people, had sochanged and altered things, that great men, though they hadperformed unheard of deeds of valor, were laughed at when theyassumed powers not clearly belonging to them. 

As the design of this history will be imperfect unless I record whattook place when these great men met, and which ought to be read andconsidered by future generations, I must here inform the reader, that he will find it faithfully translated in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

WHICH CAREFULLY RECORDS WHAT PASSED BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THEMAYOR-HOW THEY MADE SPEECHES, AND WERE SERENADED. 

WE are an exacting people, frequently requiring too much of ourgreat men, and achieving in a week what it took ordinary nations, such as Greece and Rome, years to perform. Therefore I hold it rightthat we be cautious how we trust the recording of every great eventto such witty but careless historians as Bancroft and Prescott, whoare much given to pleasing descriptions of wonderful revolutions, but entirely overlook the battered and bruised hero, for the purposeof making others to their fancy. 

You must know, then, that this mayor, Don Fernando, (he bore noresemblance to the Don Fernando of Don Quixote, ) advanced with thegravity and solemnity of one whose business it was to kill giants;for though he was a man of much humor, he had a necromantic facilityfor dissembling, and could declare before high heaven his innocenceof any crime laid at his door, and in the very next breath issue anorder giving peace and comfort to pickpockets. And while I amwriting of this great man, I may mention that if there was any onething more than another he was famous for, it was a curiousinfatuation for great placards, in which he enjoined all goodcitizens to preserve the peace, at the same time commanding hisworthy vassals, the policemen, to crack the skulls of all who camein their way. 

Tall of figure, with a pale and long visage, which he prided himselfresembled the visage of an equally great man, he advanced at a paceindicative of one who felt the grandeur of his position. The majorwas at first not a little surprised at the manner of his visitor;but being himself a dabster at great things, he soon recognized thequality of the new comer, and came forth to meet him in all hisuniform, not even forgetting his three cornered hat, which he passedwith his left hand while making an unexceptionable bow. Unembroidered greatness-yes, naked greatness, stripped of allfalsehood and pretence, and such only as is worthy of governing anhonest world, which it would generously do, but for the triflinginconvenience to itself, was here represented in these two greatmen-the Scylla and Charybdis of these wonderful times. The onlyperceptible difference in their prowess was, that the mayor stood atleast a head and a half taller than the major. Both had begun makingunexceptionable bows, when Alderman Dan Dooley, seeing theembarrassment that might occur, came resolutely forward, (havingfirst set down the bottle from which he had replenished CouncilmanFinnigan's glass, ) and addressing the mayor, said, "Faith, then, Iask no greater enterprise than to serve yer 'onor, seein' how yeknow the dacency one great man owes to another. By my faith, then, I'm deloighted to prisent ye to the gintleman we all mane to 'onor. Faith, an' it's himself's before ye, Meiger Roger (stay! what thedevil is it now?) I have it. Meiger Roger Jefferson Potter!"

"Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter!"the major interrupted, with a deferential bow. 

"Faith, an' the neame atween the two's no matter onyhow!" rejoinedMr. Alderman Dooley, who, having left the two great men tothemselves, again took to the bottle, and continued serving himselfand his friend with an experience in every way worthy of so great analderman. 

"Pray, sir, " said Fernando, with a gracious smile, "take nothingamiss that our worthy friend says. " And here he blushed, and seemednot a little mortified at the pranks of his favorite alderman, though they were natural enough to the condition he was in. "Hemeans well, " resumed the mayor, dryly, "and is an honest alderman, though given to drink at times. And now, since fortune has been sokind as to grant me the opportunity of paying my respects to one soworthy of admiration, let me congratulate you upon your safe arrivalin the city. I have the power, and it will be my pleasure to seethat the public acknowledgements you have merited are properlybestowed. " The major here interrupted by reminding the mayor that hehad, on the advice of a very good friend, declined all publicovations. 

"As to that, " continued Fernando, "fashion has made it necessary tosay these little things; for a great man is never so great as whenhe seeks to avoid homage. And we are not always bound to say what wemean. "

"As to my greatness, sir, " replied the major, "I will leave that toothers; for it is no trifling thing for a man who has done all hecan for his country to be snuffed out by the envious pen of somerascally scribbler for the newspapers. Let us think well ofourselves, and leave the rest to our friends. "

"Truly, major, you are of my way of thinking, for that is preciselywhat I do. "

"And because you do, you have risen to your present proud position!"interposed the major. "Being a military man, I would have you knowthat I am no flatterer, but a man who loves peace, and hates thedevil and all his arrogant vassals. Your fame, sir, has gone overthe land; and as to your greatness, I bow to that, for I have heardmany good men testify to it; and now that I see it with my own eyes, written all down the length of your person, no man shall speak illof you-in my presence! And as you have embarked in greatundertakings, may heaven grant you power to carry them to asuccessful issue. "

"As what you have said concerns me much, accept my thanks; for it isthe good opinion of men like yourself that pleases me. I have nowmany difficulties on hand, it is true; but when I have conquered, and shown myself superior to my enemies, I will lay up my sword, give my hand to the people, and my heart to enjoining heaven togrant me repose. The bent of my ambition, sir, would have nodifficulty in finding its way but for those wonderful men, theeditors, who lay a new born child at my door every day, and think itno harm to set the country by the ears, though they are glad enoughwhen men of our stamp step in to conciliate matters. "

They thus spent ten minutes in pleasant conversation, complimentingone another, evidently not a little pleased with themselves, andresolved not to leave the settling of their preeminent prowess toany one else. Indeed, the scene enacted between the mayor and themajor would have become extremely affecting but for AldermanO'Toole, who, being a man of much understanding, proposed that theyseal their friendship with a little brandy and water. Neither havingany scruples in the matter, they filled their glasses with much pompand circumstance. "And now, gentlemen, " said Mr. Alderman O'Toole, "I propose the health of your honors together; for barring GeneralPierce, greater men never lived, as myself knows. " They bowed andemptied their glasses to this toast, at which several of thosepresent were not a little amused. The mayor, who was, with his manyother traits of character, sufficiently versed in strategy toextricate himself from any snare, said he felt constrained to say afew words in return for the compliment, and was about making aspeech on the spot. Happily a waiter entered at the moment, bearingin his hand a plate of cold chicken, which so excited Don Fernando'sappetite that he thought no more of his dignity, but seized upon thebest meated leg, and holding it daintily between his fingers, andapplying his teeth, never stopped until he had stripped it clean tothe bone. And while engaged in this laudable enterprise, they weresurprised by a band of musicians in the street, playing "Hail to theChief. " The night was dark, and on looking out of the window, it wasdiscovered that the musicians were some twenty grim looking Germans, with very long beards and longer brass instruments, with which theyseemed determined to perforate ten ragged newsboys, who, with thepicture of rascality written on their mischievous faces, stoodholding as many pitiful tallow candles almost under the noses of thewindy fellows, whose eyes were on their notes. When the band ceasedplaying, the throng cheered and kept up a loud calling for themajor, who, the mayor said, must go out and make a speech, for itwould not do to offend them by keeping silent. He also deemed itprudent to caution the major against saying what he really thought. In truth, he whispered in the major's ear that he must mind andstrike the popular point; and when touching upon anything of greatmoment, be careful to so construct his sentences that they embody adouble meaning. As to promises, he must be sure to make enough ofthem, only let it be on the principle that promises are alwaysexpected to take care of themselves. When the major had listenedsufficiently to the admonitions of the mayor, he repaired to thebalcony, where he was so surprised to find several ladies, dressedwith great taste and splendor, that his modesty became much taxed, though they saluted him with becoming courtesy. The crowd outside, which was now rampant of disorder, recognized in the short, corpulent figure before them, with the red hair standing erect upona turnip-like head, the man of their wish, whom they greeted withthree deafening cheers. The major bowed and spread his hands, in theleft of which he held the engrossing emblem of his dignity, histhree cornered hat. 

"Gentlemen!" said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, "I thank you forthis great honor, which I may or may not have merited. You know itdoes not say much for a man that he speaks of himself; but this Iwill say, that the man who serves his country for his country is theman for me. If you, being people of high quality and much respect, (I never judge men from what they seem on the outside, not I!) shallgive me your confidence, I warrant you shall see I am nounscrupulous politician!" Here the throng sent up a loud cheer, andtapered it off with three tigers. "Ah! that is what I like, " resumedthe major; "I always did like the music of the Democracy. It soundsas if it was the free offering of hearts innocent, and not given toretrieve. " "Intrigue, " whispered Don Fernando, correctively, as hestood close behind the major, evidently delighted at the good temperof those about him. "Exactly!" bowed the major, "intrigue was what Imeant to say!" Affected either by the strangeness of the scene, orhis anxiety for the welfare of his much valued animals, he continuedin this incoherent strain for some minutes, but said not a word ofhis early whiggery, or the affair of the Yacht Club. Many of thepersons outside now began to marvel at the strangeness of hisspeech, and to think him not so much of a politician after all. Intruth, although he said much about our liberties, and was severaltimes jeered with the question as to what he thought "aboutniggers, " not a few puzzled their brains to find out to what mannerof politician he belonged. And as he concluded by enjoining them tobe good fathers, dutiful husbands, and honest men, which threevirtues were sure to secure the blessings of heaven, the puzzlebecame still greater. And yet the throng cheered vociferously. When, then, he had concluded, he wiped the perspiration from his brow, fritted his finger through his beard, and shook hands with severalof the ladies, who still thought him a great man, in whose strangespeech there was much those acquainted with the politics of thenation could perfectly understand. 

Again the music ceased, and loud calls were made for Don Fernando, who always had an apology when invited to make a speech, and anexcuse for making it on the second invitation, which he never failedto accept. In fine, I say it with no intention of satire, that DonFernando never let an opportunity to make a speech slip through hisfingers, though three invitations, as he held, were necessary to onespeech. In truth, he regarded invitations as losing nothing in theirpassage, when they concerned great men; for it was a rule with ourbest politicians to make reluctance a virtue. 

After repeated calls, then, Don Fernando turned to address themultitude, and said in a speech of some twenty minutes, much thatthey had heard before, and expected to hear again. He cautioned themto look well to their liberties, though it were good to be carefulhow they were found breaking the peace and men's heads. I wouldmention here, that this singular admonition was induced by thepresence of some six or seven of Don Fernando's old friends amongthe throng outside. And these worthy men commenced their favoriteavocation with such shouts as-"Go it Fernando! Fernando andliberty!" And when they had thus deported themselves to theirsatisfaction, they took to demolishing the trombones of the players, as if such amusement was to their taste. 

Don Fernando concluded his speech by saying, he saw in the personspresent, the great and glorious elements of our expandingcivilization. Kind providence just then sent a refreshing shower, asif in pity at the condition of the raiment his listeners were cladin. And this sent many to their homes; but the more patriotic had nofear of a shower, and seemed not inclined to leave until they hadheard a speech from Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, for whom they calledloudly. These calls were seconded by persons on the balcony, who outof sheer derision, demanded his presence with so much earnestness asconvinced the loquacious Dooley that history and his friends wouldnot be content without a word from him on this great occasion. ButDon Fernando well knew that the reporters, as was customary withthem, would embellish that one word rather curiously, for they werekind to him, and invariably made him say all the witty things theycould think of. 

"Upon my word, Mr. Dooley, " whispered Don Fernando, "the thing hasended well; and it strikes me we have had speeches enough for theevening. "

"Faith!" exclaimed the Alderman, "I'm contint to lave them with thespaech of yir 'oner. "

Mr. Dooley, if the truth must be told, was not in a condition to getoff smooth sentences, though his deportment would have afforded muchdiversion. And as good speeches lost nothing by keeping, he resolvednot to let his off just yet. And so completely was Don Fernandomaster of the Alderman, that he sauntered, or rather oscillated intoa corner, and sat down. 

The small hours of morning had well nigh come, when Don Fernando, without change in the dignity of his bearing, took his departure;expressing, as he left the door, the great pleasure it would givehim to receive the major at the City Hall on the morrow. And when hewas gone, the committee of reception thought no more of him, butdrew their chairs round the major, and with divers friends of thesame hue and circumstance, commenced showering upon him no end ofcompliments, declaring him to be the father of more politicalreforms than Jefferson and Washington ever dreamed of. 

When their generosity had come sufficiently mellowed, and thelandlord had declared his inability to furnish any more whiskey, andMr. Councilman Finnigan began to see ghosts and murderers by thedozen, all of which he would have sworn were real, and set aboutthrashing with the gallantry of a true Irish gentleman, Mr. O'Tooleproposed that the major become a citizen of New York, when he wouldwager any amount of money to make him next mayor of the city. 

"I cannot say I would be equal to the duties, gentlemen, for I havenever been mayor. My services, (except now and then, )"-here themajor filled his glass-"have been for the army and politics, which Itake it have nothing to do with setting a city to rights. Ifspitting an enemy, getting up a riot, and giving peace and comfortto them who have a taste for breaking heads, be things which a mayormust be an adept at, then you may trust me, gentlemen, " said themajor, giving his hand to Alderman Dooley in pledge of his faith. 

Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and extremely fond ofmaking speeches on these great occasions, though in this instance hehad peaceably pursued his advances upon the bottle, and left thespeeches to others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after allwas no great affair of an office, he immediately set on foot aproject for making the major President of the United States. Themajor, he said, had surely evinced ability enough. 

"What you please-make what you please of me, gentlemen, for I amyour servant, and the good servant is known by his work-that I know!And if it is your will that I should be President, my highestambition shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I maysay, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, and Iwill hang fillibusters to your satisfaction. "

An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was known to have aslight inclination for fillibustering, and had more than a score oftimes pledged the city to the measures of gentlemen that wayinclined, having just looked in to pay his respects to the city'sguest, rose quickly to his feet at hearing so bold a proposal to getrid of his friends, and declared his readiness to fight anygentleman who would say a word damaging to the character of thefillibusters. Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, anold grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a frown upon theassertion, and declared that the language held was an impliedinsult, whereupon he measured with his stalwart arm the distancebetween his body and the Alderman's nose. This being the signal fora grand set to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene ofconfusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, unless hehave the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken chairs being the orderof weapon most in use, and the major not being skilled in the use ofsuch arms, lost no time in retreating to a dark closet, where, closely packed among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, hecongratulated himself by saying: "Now, as I am a military man, andhave no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look well to myhead, and let them have the glory. "

The landlord had paced his halls in great tribulation for some time, for he saw he had been grievously taken in, and that the damage tothe reputation of his house would be four fold what he would get ofthe city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a state ofconfusion, and having fears for the good name of his patron saint, he rushed into the room, crying, "Gentlemen! gentlemen! pray leavemy house, for though I see you are guardians of the city, you seemto have as little respect for the reputation of my house, which ismy bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray get awayfrom here, and what you have had shall be given for charity's sake. "Seeing they were not inclined to respect his admonition, he called aposse of policemen, and ordered them to clear his house of themiscreants; but they, seeing it was their own masters who weredeporting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely shook theirheads and walked away. In this dilemma, for the landlord saw hecould not get of the police what he paid for, he called some twoscore of his own servants, who, having no respect for high officialswho do not respect themselves, were not long in tumbling them intothe street; and would have had Major Roger Sherman Potter followingthem, if he could have been found!

CHAPTER XXIX. 

IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HEDECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TOPOWER. 

THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonishedhim to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before thepassions of the high functionaries had caused so violent anoutbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was ofthe tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there wasnothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable ofovercoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awokeby the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major RogerPotter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people inhis house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom totreat all men with courtesy. 

On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn allover the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, asif sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But thiswas the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort ofmurmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeingthe landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, andsoon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by themajor over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. Onapproaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and thelandlord declared there was no space for one so stout within itsbounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to thegreat delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an halfroasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than threesaints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellowwho turned the key on him was no friend. 

"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know, " hespoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrificemy life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those inleague with him. " He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness andtreachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, hebesought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemieswho had played this trick upon him. 

"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and agreat man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes, "said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no claim to. "

"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and thinkof it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confessthat I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin tothink that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who havebeen brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishmentsthey do not include that which teacheth every man who would takecare of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best whothinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to bean ass. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; andI take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well asany of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony. " Here themajor turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now putseveral questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico andelsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, thathe felt assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty ofat times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as greata man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did thelandlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it didnot conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major'scrotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but forthe danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He nowcondoled him for having fallen into the hands of such politicalvagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he sworewould bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them. 

After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord, and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I havesuffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses, for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must bemade capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find intheir way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since thatmatter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you atbreakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning mymission. "

The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act ofcondescension, which was rare in so great a man. 

The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered thewestern dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonishedhim, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to thefloor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the tablewas set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoesand stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladiespresent, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat, at which they were not a little diverted. 

The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked themajor what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of theMissouri Compromise. 

"That, sir, " replied the major, "depends entirely upon how thepeople take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace. But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of thenation to get a new issue on the nigger question, get to kicking upa dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, that niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as theyare; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also holdit an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascalswhere by selling them we can pocket the money when occasionrequires. "

The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right onthis all important question of "niggers, " though as many inferencesmight be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglasrespecting the territories. 

Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladieswere deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this soexcited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlordwhat it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurateaccount of what took place on the previous night, including hisspeech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing somany subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs ofthe enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but everylady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous ofthem, " returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I wouldhave you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, andbeing naturally tender hearted, I have known times when they wouldembrace me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, fortheir fondness was beyond my expectation. " Having ordered a copy ofthe Herald, (a journal which had for many years furnished the majorhis political, philosophical, and diversional reading, ) he therefound not only that he had made a speech of rare eloquence, but oneof the most delightful as well as minute biographies of himself everwritten. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many exploits asto make this history entirely unnecessary. I ought to mention, however, that the sagacious reporters were cautious not to mentionthe affair which caused the polite landlord to eject the highofficials from his house. This gave an additional charm to the wholeconcern, and so elated the major as to entirely take away hisappetite. Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come, to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They made thevery best sort of speeches, and could make and unmake great men witha facility truly astonishing, usually laying the greatest stressupon the smallest things. 

When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major aside, andrequested as a favor that he would listen to what he said. "Understand me, sir, " he said, with a look of concern, "you arewelcome in my house, but I fear there are difficulties creeping inthat may lessen our friendship if left unexplained. I see you are aman of great mental power, a stranger, and a gentleman, thereforeyou cannot be expected to know the great distress our aldermen, whoare much given to ceremonies of this sort, have brought upon severalhonest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the bottle, and asthere are only two hundred dollars set apart for the bill at myhouse, which will not square last night's bill at the bar, pray givethem a hint, for their generosity knows no bounds at times; and if Ipresent a bill somewhat over the mark, I am laughed at, and set downfor a confirmed fool. "

"I see you are an honest man, " replied the major, "and it is a pityyour house should be damaged by persons who have not the fear ofbills before their eyes, though they have the gold of the city attheir command. But, sir, let your thoughts incline the mostfavorable way, for I have some two hundred dollars of my own, aswell as a horse and pig of such rare qualities that I already beginto see the fortune they will bring to me. " The major now continuedgiving such a wonderful account of his animals as excited thelandlord's curiosity, and made him express a desire to see them. Andas nothing so pleased the major as to show his animals to every newacquaintance, he doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit ofUxbridge satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of hisfigure, sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battlequietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up in hiscage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he hobbled alongthe floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's eyes, the landlordcould not comprehend how so sensible a gentleman could become soinfatuated with a horse that was as lean as a lantern, unless he bea knave. But notwithstanding the miserable plight he was in, he soonbegan to raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeinghis master, and gave out such other signs of what there was in him, as convinced the landlord he was a horse of some metal, though hewould not bring an eagle in the market. And here the major commencedto give an account of the many adventures he had performed with thisnoble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, "I admire yourenthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for practical jokes, youmay put your frame in the stalls, for he will need all the care youcan bestow upon him. "

"Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had time to fullycomprehend his many good qualities, " replied the major, not a littlegrieved at the landlord's remarks. 

He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, and commencedmaking signs of friendship to his master. "This pig, I assure you, sir, " said the major, "was brought up in the care of the clergy, wasthe lead pig of one Felix Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing hischurch took to the business of swine driving. " The landlord was muchamused at the simplicity with which the major related the history ofthis wonderful pig, who now came jumping out of his cage, to thegreat delight of numerous bystanders, and cut up so many queerpranks that they were ready to swear him possessed of the devil. Hewould run to the major on hearing his name called; he would turnsomersets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point with hisnose to any letter of the alphabet he was commanded; and, no doubt, with a little more training, he could have delved the mysteries ofdestiny with a facility that neither medium nor clairvoyant couldhave excelled. If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted, they now stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal hadnever before been brought to the city. "I have been told, sir, " saidthe major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that you have in yourcity one Barnum, a man of much note, who is reputed to have becomerich of dealing in deformed monstrosities, and though an honest manenough as the world goes, has had a strange history written ofhimself. And this history, I am told, has been much praised by thecritics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certaindeceptions practiced upon a credulous public-"

"You are right, there, " interrupted the landlord; "he has made foolsof so many of his fellows, that his imitators regard his tricks asso many virtues, which the public are ready to applaud. But as yourpig is truly a wonder, you will do well to get him in the hands ofthis clever gentleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpettongued over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics, being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his talents. Youmay then let the devil take the rest, which is the way the worldgoes. "

And while they were thus conversing, this clever man stalked in, much to the surprise of every one present, though it was said ofhim, that he could smell a monstrosity at the distance of a hundredmiles. After fixing his scrutinizing eye upon the animal, andwitnessing several of his tricks, which he performed with greatagility, he commenced casting reflections upon his performances, saying he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, that hewould require no end of practice before it would do to bring himbefore a discriminating audience. As for the critics, it was no hardmatter to keep them right; but it might give rise to a question atthe Press Club, that would seriously endanger its harmony. He, however, began to inquire what the major thought about terms. To usea vulgarism very common at this day, he began to "pump him, " inregard to the value of the animal's services. And here I must leavehim for the present. 

CHAPTER XXX. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE CALLS OF DISTINGUISHEDPERSONS, AND HOW HE DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OF HIS MISSION. 

THE landlord enjoined the major, when they returned to the hotel, not to think so much of his horse, for he could not render muchservice to a military man. As for the pig, he could be depended uponas a source of revenue in case of need, which quite satisfied him onthe matter of his bill. 

The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving calls, fordivers distinguished persons had read his speech in the newspapers, and were eager to pay homage to one of such rare gifts. Among themwere prominent members of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimatedthat he might condescend to make them a speech from the Exchangesteps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the Board ofBrokers; citizens distinguished for their bountiful charities;members of the Union Club, who suggested that they would propose himfor a member; members of the New York Club, who knew he would liketo become a member of their body, which consisted of distinguishedpersons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. A personof lean visage, who constituted himself a delegate from the CenturyClub, begged to inform the major that the club was composed of poorbut very respectable literary persons, who eschewed liquors andcigars, and were about introducing a by-law for the admission ofladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the goodconduct of all aspiring youths. The club, he knew, would be mosthappy to make him a member. A delegation from the Knickerbockerrepresented their club as the most cosy place imaginable; as for themembers, they had so strong a turn for literature, that they hadelected a grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visitfrom him would indeed be held as a high honor; and as it wasstrictly forbidden that any member discover inebriation before teno'clock, he could not fail of spending a cheerful hour with them. 

Each brought some such powerful argument to sustain theircomparative claims to his favorable consideration. He also receivedinvitations to visit various factories, and become a member ofcertain charitable societies for the taking care of widows andorphans, and poor authors with large families. In truth, one mighthave thought they imagined him a man capable of conquering the worldwith thirty thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile ofinvitations spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro wasplayed on the square at his establishment, which was visited by nonebut gentlemen of fashion and circumstance. Mrs. Wise, too, intimatedin one of the most delicately perfumed billets, that her soireeswere the most select in the city, and if so distinguished a majorwould honor her with a call, she would guarantee the rest. 

The major had much to say to all who visited him; and though theylistened with particular attention, there was something so strangeabout him, that, notwithstanding they would, in the coolness oftheir judgment, have set him down for an insane man, they could notreconcile such a condition of mind with the masterly speech in themorning papers. They were also much disappointed at his appearance, for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than a greatpolitician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair shortcropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain hisdignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune andearth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor theman of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently worethe tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was notto be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at firstsight by any but his companions in arms. Hence he foundinexpressible pleasure in the calls of several persons, who, thoughthey had never smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight inthe appellation of generals. One of these was as great a general asNew York was capable of producing, and set much value upon hisvalor, though the only columns he was known to have led to battle, were those of a ponderous newspaper, in which was carefullypreserved all the spice and essence of a wonderful warrior. He couldwrite destructive three column articles with perfect ease, gaveextensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an opinionready on all great questions, could get up his choler or his pistolat the shortest notice, could lay his magnificent pistol away asquietly as any other man when the occasion for it was over; and hecould, if the nation would only spare him, govern the world with thesame refreshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at LordTwaddlepole's table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say, this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it was forexhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, and for lettingmankind in general know that he had joined the church, which latterwas well enough, seeing that it atoned for numerous bygonebackslidings. And as he stood in his boots, nearly two feet tallerthan the major, it was curious to witness the elongation of thelittle, rotund figure that stood bowing before him. "I see, sir, "spoke the general, whose name was Toadytrip, "that you are asoldier, and belong to the noble profession, in which I flattermyself I have obtained distinction, though it has fallen short of myexpectations. "

The major received the general with becoming courtesy, and afterexpressing his gratification at meeting so famous a companion inarms, inquired as to the wars he had fought in, and what number ofscars he had received. 

Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general selfsufficiency, and was at first not a little embarrassed; but atlength he replied, that though he had never been in battle, he wasready to serve him with meal or metal in any of his undertakings. They now shook hands, and strengthened their friendship over alittle brandy, for the general was an advocate of temperance onlywhen it applied to others. 

"You must know, sir, " said the major, "that I am no scurvy fellow, but a man who has stood the devil knows how much buffeting inpolitics. I have made eight and twenty speeches, sir, in a month;and it was said of me that no man could better them. And if youwould know more of my doings, please refer to my companions in theMexican War. "

"Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I give a tea party, andamong the rest of my guests I expect a bishop and a nobleman, who istraveling over the country. They are both honest men, and as jollyfellows as can be found in the land. Honor us with your company, sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common kind; for therewill not be one of the lower order among my guests, and the highpromotion you have obtained must, I am sure, be the result of manybattles, which my friends will be delighted to hear an account of. "The major was delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafterbe shown, was not in a condition to honor the general's tea partywith his presence. And the general, having expressed hisgratification at this meeting, took his departure, with many bowsand assurances of friendship. When he was gone, there came severalequally great generals and colonels, though editors of smallernewspapers; several of these promised him the support of theircolumns in any great undertaking he might embark in. This wasespecially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen, both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give them a pledgenot to form an alliance with the English. In addition to this, theydiscovered a strong inclination for what was in the bottle, of whichthe major gave them to drink, and sent them home happy. 

It being now two o'clock, the major ordered a black bombazine frockcoat from Wyman's, and the committee of reception having arrivedwith a carriage, he immediately entered it, and was rolled away forthe City Hall, where he was received with much pomp and ceremony byDon Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a speech, suchas, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. And the major repliedwith his customary rhodomontade. Both considered the event anextraordinary one, auguring greater things to themselves. It must, in truth, be said of Don Fernando, that he could receive guests witha courtliness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought itnecessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a strongresemblance to such as may daily be found in the morning papers. 

When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, Don Fernando tookgreat pains to show the major several objects of greatest interestin the Hall, among which was his corpulent chief of police, and alittle man of the name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer andfactotum. He then took him by the arm, and they sallied out into agreat hall, the walls of which were hung with portraits of mayorsand other great men. Indeed it seemed as if it were a malady withmayors to admire their own portraits. The small modicum of vanitywhich slumbered in Don Fernando's bosom quickly took fire, anddeeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any thing thatmight be of deep interest to so great a visitor, he pleasantlyadded, that a portrait of himself would soon enhance the splendorsof the gallery. 

And in order to give more perfection to the reception, and to makeit in every way worthy of so great a politician, he had his troop ofworthy policemen drawn up in front of the City Hall, where theyperformed a series of marches and counter-marches with suchwonderful precision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousandacres of land in California that a more orderly body of men was notto be found. The major expressed himself delighted with what he sawof them. "Indeed, sir, " said he, "I am pleased to see that theycarry their clubs like men accustomed to a mighty master. And letmalicious scribblers say what they will of them, I make no doubtthey will either keep or break the peace at your bidding. " At thisDon Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whisper a word abouttheir agility for smashing skulls, and sleeping at street corners, which was truly wonderful. 

The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, and takingleave of Don Fernando, with many assurances of esteem for his greatadministrative abilities, repaired to his carriage, and returned tothe hotel, where he met with a misfortune, the quality of which willbe related in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER, WHICHGRIEVOUSLY DISTURBED THE MAJOR'S EQUANIMITY. 

As the major entered the great entrance to the St. Nicholas, a welldressed man of medium size advanced toward him, somewhat nervously, and fixing a quick, suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his earsomething that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confusedand bewildered. Seeing that he had "private" business with themajor, the honorable gentlemen of this reception committee, withbecoming discretion, quietly took their departure. "If you please, sir, " said the man, "there is a little matter of business-these aredelicate matters; but you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as myduty will admit, ) I treat every one whose acquaintance I make inthis way with indulgence, and more especially men of your standing. "

Here the man timorously commenced drawing an ominous lookingdocument from his coat pocket, but the major interrupted, bytouching him on the arm, and saying, in a whisper, "As you are a manof discretion, pray deal with me like a gentleman, and just come upstairs; for I would have you be cautious how you let your businessout. "

The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful distance, andsoon both disappeared into the major's parlor. 

"Don't allow yourself to have any fears, sir; for I pledge you noone will know my business. I may say, for I see you are nervous, that I pay so many little attentions here, and to politicians, though not so great as yourself, that most folks fancy me a guest ofthe house. " The man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he sawthe major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After findingone, he held it before his eye:

"And now, sir, " said he, "hoping to find you the gentleman I takeyou for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, which will no doubtdo you good, pray tell me what the matter is, and who it is thatseeks to take advantage of me?"

"Astor House, " replied the man, dryly. "The proprietors are as good, generous fellows as can be found; but they have a way of wantingtheir own. They direct me to treat you as becomes a gentleman. Andnow, sir, my name is Tom Flanders; and if you will say how youpropose to settle this little affair?"

The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his breeches, and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a state of deep study, in which he remained until the visitor's patience was well nigh wornout. 

"My time, if you please to consider it, " replied the man, "ismoney!" Here he read the writ, and the affidavit affixed thereto. 

"Upon my soul, " the major replied, drawing his chair nearer the man, and extending his hand, "we can settle this affair, and be the bestof friends! It's an old stick, but that does not matter; and youhave said the truth of those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesyit was not right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, whena guest at their house, to say it might suit my position and economybetter to take private board. "

"It's only one hundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. Theinterest, they were good enough to say, should be thrown in, whichis something, " muttered the man. 

There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley Hanniford, who had "done him out" of the money intended for this very bill. Perhaps, thought the major, having come councilman, he will feellike making me an atonement, who knows? "Upon my reputation, sir, Ihave hit, (yes, I have, ) I have hit on a way of settling this littlematter between us!" said he, with an air of exultation. "There isone Councilman Finnigan, who not many years ago, (I say it inconfidence, ) and when he was an honest Quaker, and went by the nameof Greeley Hanniford, did very unkindly do me out of all my money. Only the other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, andif he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. And seeingthat the city, in reward for his past deeds, has made him one of itshappy fathers, I take it he has straightened his morals, and becomea good christian. "

The major here paused, and then inquired of the official if he wouldcondescend to accompany him to the residence of Councilman Finnigan. The officer, in return immediately declared his readiness to proceedwith him; at the same time begged to remind him that the journeywould be to no purpose; for though the city fathers were fond enoughof the city pie, and always made out to keep their fingers in it, they took good care no one else got a sop of the sauce. As toexpecting justice of Councilman Finnigan for a past wrong, it was aswell to look for gold on Barren Island. They, however, proceededtogether to the house of the councilman, and on finding him at homeimmediately communicated their business, to his great surprise. Intruth, the high official immediately began to plead his poverty; andthough he would not hear a word concerning the little affair of thepocket book, honestly confessed that he had more than once had it incontemplation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of asmall loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his score at thePewter Mug. 

I ought to mention that the councilman treated the victim of hisearly pranks with much consideration, and after discoursing sometime upon the inconveniences of his attendant poverty, took down hiswhiskey, which he said was an indifferent drink to offer so great apolitician, but the best his means would afford. And as it was adrink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a priest of greatlearning, and no renegade, as he had been called by the Herald andTribune, he hoped he would excuse the rest. 

He then explained to him how it was that the city fathers wereproverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing to the parsimony ofthe old comptroller, who, when they felt inclined to be liberal toone another, set himself up for an inquisition. And after expressinghis warmest sympathy for the major's misfortunes, referred him toAlderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of notes, and did afavor for a friend now and then, especially when there was a largereturn and no uncertainty. The major and his official friendrepaired without delay to the alderman's house. But that gentlemanonly had a thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset, who represented his distresses as quiteenough for any poor gentleman to manage, render him any materialrelief; though the truth of the matter was, that he was up forCongress, and required all his surplus to purchase votes. The majornow began to discern the complexion of his friends, and set to workthanking heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. Inshort, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an ass; and asthe official began to evince considerable uneasiness, and speak ofthe value of his time, the major declared his wits at fault. Ithowever came suddenly into his head that he would straightway go tothe Astor, and plead his case with the landlord, who being a man ofsympathy, and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain. Indeed, he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered howkindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune that had madehim a sufferer, which was proof of a man of tender heart. He nowcommunicated his intention to the official, who begged him toremember how far his indulgence had already extended. "You see, sir, " said he, "we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully ascircumstances will permit; but unless we get something in return ourchildren would go naked. " The major now discovered the inclinationsof the man, and enjoining him to be comforted, slipped a piece ofgold into his hand. And this quickly proved that such medicine wentto the right place, and was a sure panacea with officials for theills of impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve him, when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition to beingpurged of all his impatience, I verily believe he would haveaccompanied the major to the devil, (if his inclinations had taken aturn that way, ) so great was his condescension and readiness toserve him. 

They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found the landlord inhis usual good humor, and so glad to see the major that, aftershaking him heartily by the hand, he would fain enter his name uponthe register as a guest at his house. "It is many years since wemet, sir, and fortune, though it has given me no money, has donesomething for us both, " said the major, when they had sufficientlyexchanged compliments. 

"Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; as for themoney, pray do what you can for us; for our house has been a placeof comfort for military men and politicians. And I know you willtake no offence when I say that 'no money' is the cry with whichthey raise their voices to us. "

"Upon my soul, sir, " interrupted the major, swaying his shoulders, "it is not becoming of them to do so with a man of your generosity. "

"You have my thanks, " rejoined the landlord, with a smile. "I maysay, we wish our guests well, and do cheerfully what we can to makethe voyage of life pleasant. " And while they were thus addressingone another, and endeavoring to outdo in compliments, the officialtook up his position a few paces aside, and amused himself bytwirling on his heel. 

"Indulgence well directed, sir, " resumed the major, looking askanceat the landlord, "produces wonderful effects. And, sir, if you willjust please to bestow it in this instance, it will settle the littlematter between us, and preserve our friendship. I confess, being astraightforward, honest man, that too many years have passed sinceyour great generosity permitted me to become your debtor. But such, sir, is the condition of my financial affairs, that though I havepopularity enough for any politician, I swear by my militaryreputation that I have not now a dollar in my pocket, and as mywife, Polly Potter, used to say, you can't get butter out of a pinetree. "

"I assure you, sir, " rejoined the landlord, "it was not ourintention to give you trouble, and so quiet your apprehensions. "

"And now, sir, " exclaimed the major, grasping the landlord warmly bythe hand, "I see you are a philosopher; for though you might lockme up, (being your property in law, ) and cause my wife Polly tobewail my fate, you would also lock up my prospects, which are yourhopes. Remember, sir, I am a soldier who has fought many battles, and have scars enough to satisfy any man that I am an honorablegentleman. And I would have you consider, sir, that several of myfriends, (and they are no small men, ) have said it might do to tryme in the next presidential contest. And as you are a discreet man, pray keep before your eyes how easy it would be with a salary oftwenty-five thousand dollars and the edgings, to shuffle off such atrifle. Consider it well, sir, and you will not let your anxietyinterfere with my prospects, since I am now a man of mark, and shallat least get a foreign mission, for the vast services I haverendered the party. And I will share the income with you, if mychildren go supperless to bed. " The major continued in this manner, pleading his poverty with the landlord, until he so excited thegoodness of his heart, that he not only regretted having resorted tolaw, but actually dispatched the official to his attorney withorders to forthwith stay proceedings. He also accepted the major'sword of honor for the forthcoming of all demands; and, indeed, wouldnot be content until he had dined at his house, and recounted themany deeds of valor he had performed while in Mexico, which he didover a bottle of old Madeira. 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

WHICH DESCRIBES WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR RETURNED TO THE SAINTNICHOLAS; WITH AN ACCOUNT OF HOW HE GOT INTO DEBT AT THE ASTOR, ANDVARIOUS OTHER THINGS. 

IT was early evening when the major came exultingly into his parlorat the Saint Nicholas, and after quenching his thirst in a nicelymixed beverage, for the day was excessively warm, said: "And now, young man, I own I have not done much for you yet; but you must notbe discomfited, for there is a good time ahead, and I begin toesteem myself no small diplomatist. Indeed, if you had seen how Iaccommodated myself to that affair with the Astor, which threatenedto overthrow all my prospects to-day, you would have seen, sir, thatI am not a man to build castles in the air. No, sir, I hold theadvantage gained over the host of the Astor in the light of avictory gained over my enemies. And though my private affairs aresomewhat loose in the joints, what matters it, so long as I standsquare in the public eye? Private affairs are private affairs, and Ihold it good philosophy that they have nothing to do with a publicman and his usefulness. "

The major here commenced to recount, taking considerable credit tohimself as a diplomatist, how he got the advantage of the landlord. 

"I pleaded my poverty while keeping my prospective riches before hiseyes, " said he; "and as he was as scrupulous of his character forgenerosity as he was of the reputation of his house, I was carefulto enhance the opportunity of flattering both those weaknesses. Ialso said, by way of perfecting the thing, that when in the capacityof foreign minister, I had agreed to correspond with the Courier andEnquirer, which, notwithstanding it was an almost pious newspaper, and edited by not less than two famous generals, and the grandson ofa most worthy bishop, who was a poetaster, as well as a man of somuch fashion that he had gained an enviable celerity for writingsonnets and eulogistic essays in admiration of fair but very faultyactresses; being the prospective correspondent of this almost piousnewspaper, I consoled the landlord with a promise to write numerouspuffs of his house. My point is carried, and if they like not myarticles, as the critics say, they will at least give me credit forastuteness, for the man who succeeds is the man in these days!"

"And now, sir, " said I, "remember that you promised, as we werejourneying over the road to Barnstable, to renew the history of yourfirst adventure in New York, in which you were interrupted by themischievous boys. " And as nothing so much pleased him as to relatehis misfortunes at that time, he went straight into a rhapsody ofjoy, fretted his beard, looked quizzically out of his eyes, andsaid:

"I have it, sir! I have the exact place. I was, as I am now, on myway to Washington, in the hope of getting a reward for the servicesI had rendered the party; but having lost all my money by one ofthese pranks which the gentry of New York practice, and which Mr. Councilman Finnigan, (I honor him in his present position, ) is, nodoubt, skilled in, I had no means either to pay my landlord, or whatcertainly was much more, to leave his premises. 

"Days and weeks I was a martyr to my doubts and fears, and ate thegood man's meat as if his finger was on my shoulder, and his eye onmy plate. Several times he suggested, in the most gentlemanlymanner, that it would be consulting economy for me to seek privateboard. But I should like to see the man who could look a widowlandlady in the face, (unless he intended marrying one of herdaughters, ) without a dollar in his pocket. I told the landlord asmuch, but he only laughed, and said it was a thing very common atthis day. 

"I got up one morning, eat what little my anxiety would admit, wentand sat down upon a seat in the Park, and contemplated theinclinations of the passers as they rushed by; fixed my eyes uponthe city hall clock, as it struck ten, and thought the policemencast an unusually sharp eye at me, as they sauntered by, and puzzledmy brain to find some means of relief, for I had just received aletter from my wife, Polly, who was in a sad strait at home, whichadded to the amount of my own misfortunes. And while I was musing inthis way, a street beggar appeared, and notwithstanding he was welldressed, demanded alms; and when I told him I had none to give, heset to cursing me right manfully, which was a custom with suchknaves, who imitated the city fathers in more ways than one. And asif to show his contempt for one who had no alms to give, the knavethrew me a shilling, which he advised me to spend for the washing ofmy linen, which he saw stood in much need of it. Remembering that Iwas a politician, I felt mortified enough, and summoning what littlestock of courage I had left, I repaired to the hotel, resolved to bemanly, and ask the loan of twenty dollars or so, just to get me overmy difficulties-that is, to get out of the Astor and into humblelodgings. Being at that time skilled in the art of making calfbrogans, necessity seemed pointing me to that as the only means ofretrieving my fortunes. 

"On entering the hotel, the landlord kindly pointed me to mybaggage, which he had brought down, having much need of his rooms, and carefully set in the office. This put an end to ouracquaintance, as well as left me without courage enough to requestthe loan I had contemplated. I own the whole thing was done withmuch shrewdness, and was a decided improvement on being kicked intothe street. But though I was neither a rogue nor a highwayman, Itook up my valise and proceeded into the street, feeling like onewhose dignity was never to be restored to him. After wandering aboutfor some time, like one crazed with some religious phantasy, I foundmyself in front of a little house on Greene Street, with a paper onthe walls, setting forth that lodgings were to be had within. I wasin a mood to find comfort any where, so knocked at the shabby littledoor, and was admitted by a negro wench of great fatness, into agreasy little entry, from whence I was shown into a dingy parlor, crowded with well worn furniture. The mistress of the house, thenegress said, would soon be home; and pointing me to some books thatstood upon a dusty table, and interposed between a dilapidated sofaand an old fashioned tˆte-…-tˆte, bid me amuse myself. Then she gaveme a broken fan, and seemed very generally anxious to make mecomfortable. I took a seat in a dyspeptic arm chair, that kept up acurious clicking, and after waiting for some time, perplexed alittle at first, consoled myself that others had troubles, perhapsworse than mine. Then I dropped into a nap, and forgot all my caresuntil the door bell tinkled, and I awoke, feeling sure the mistressof the house was arrived; but it turned out to be the boy with theEvening Post, a journal I always admired for its admirable morals. Indeed I may say I regard it an excellent journal to read in an hourof distress, its philosophy being soothingly profound. I seized thepaper, and read from outside to inside, until my courage was quiterestored, and I began humming an air which sent me into the happiestof moods. 

"Presently my eye caught a portrait I fancied to be a likeness ofthe landlady, hung with dusty crape upon the wall, and having theappearance of a specter peering through the mist. I was curious tosee the quality of her beauty, and advancing toward it, parted thecrape in the center, and there beheld a face and bust of suchexquisite loveliness that I felt sure the rogue of a painter must, in the outpouring of his love for the beautiful, have been tryinghis skill at flattering the vanity of some damsel with a likeness ofHaidee. She had the bust of a Venus, and was dressed low enough inthe neck to admit full scope to the devil's fancies. Her face, too, was so oval that nature could not have added one line more to itsperfection; while her complexion was of deep olive, made ravishingby the carnatic flush of her cheeks. And she had what poets and ladynovelists call great Italian eyes, beaming lustrous of soul andenergy; and hair that floated in raven blackness over shoulders thatseemed chiseled. I began to think myself the happiest of men, for mysystem had always a bit of poetic fire in it. And then these charms, which had already begun to rob my heart of its peace, were made moreseductive by a calmly resolved and yet pensive expression ofcountenance. Indeed, at a second glance, it seemed to approachmelancholy, and bespoke that frame of mind when sorrow feeds mostupon the heart. 

"I touched the frame, and instantly it fell to the floor, with agreat noise. And while in the midst of my confusion, a key clickedin the door, and a lady of stately figure, dressed in deep mourning, advanced into the parlor, and, being deeply veiled, took a seat uponthe sofa, quite like a stranger. I bowed and said, 'Madam, I amwaiting for the mistress of the house. You are on a similar errand, I take it?' To which she replied in a voice of peculiar sweetness, that she was the person, and would have me make known my business. She then threw back one veil, and then another, until she discovereda face even more beautiful than that of the portrait I had justreplaced on the wall. I must also mention that she seemed consciousof her charms, for with an air of much grace and dignity, she raisedher jeweled fingers, so tapering, and smoothed the glossy black hairover her polished brow, while the diamonds of her bracelets sparkledthrough the white ruffles that hung from her wrists. 

"'My name, madam, ' said I, 'is Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonlycalled Major Roger Potter. I make no doubt you have heard of me, forenough has been said of me in the newspapers. But I will say no moreof that just now, for it does not become a military man to speak ofhimself. "

"'Your name, sir, ' said she, condescending a bow and a smile, 'isquite familiar. Indeed, if you will pardon it in me, I may say thatI have had great curiosity to see a gentleman so popular, for I wasraised and educated among distinguished people, and am fond of theirsociety, which I cannot now enjoy, since fortune has treated meunkindly, and I am not what I was, as you may see by my humblecalling. '

"I begged she would take the most favorable view of her prospects, and at the same time not feel embarrassed. 

"'But tell me, sir, ' she resumed, with a look of great earnestness, 'did you come on business for my first husband, Mr. Primrose?'

"Not wishing to make her anxiety painful, (for I am not a man ofevil inclinations, ) I discovered my business to her, but saidnothing of the state of my finances. 

"'You have my thanks for the condescension you have vouchsafed, sir, ' she replied, evidently much pleased at the prospect of sofamous a lodger; 'but I fear my lodgings are far too humble for oneof your position. They are small, and furnished according to myscanty means. '

"I at once told her that obscurity was my object, and that it wasenough that there was peace in the house, for I was engaged over amighty project, which I could not perfect with so many striving todo me honor. If she was before pleased, she now became exultant, andnimbly led the way up two pair of narrow stairs, entering morefreely into conversation, and saying the parlor was at my servicewhen company called. 'Now these are not large, but comfortablerooms, ' she continued, showing me into a little ten by twelve nook;'I have six lodgers similarly situated, and they are all genteelmen, doing a large business. ' She then began giving me an account oftheir various business pursuits, which was so confused andindefinite as to render it impossible clearly to understand whetherthey were bankers, doctors, clergymen, or stock brokers. In truth, by her own showing, they conversed of stocks, chips, sermons, andsplits, with equal facility. But there was something I could notexactly understand, in the manner of her thanking God, that thoughreduced to this humble style of living she was comfortable, andexpected soon to see the day when she would be restored to the rankin society from which she had fallen. 'There was, as I am a lady, 'she added, with a look of sorrow shadowing her face, 'a time whenevery button on my father's coat cost a dollar, and our familyservants all wore as nice liveries as could be seen in Fifth Avenue, for we had them changed a number of times, until we got them unlikeany one else's. ' She was evidently distressed with some pasttrouble; and when I said, 'Madam, I will do myself the honor tobecome an inmate of your house, ' she seemed so overjoyed that it waswith difficulty she could withhold her tears. On inquiring her nameand what business her husband followed, she replied that her namewas Mrs. Pickle, (she having dropped Primrose for sufficient cause, )and that of her husband, Mr. Stephen Pickle, of the young AmericanBanking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter, doing business near WallStreet. We returned to the parlor, and when the valise bearing myname, which I took good care to keep in sight, was sent up stairs, and I had told her how the accident to her portrait was caused, sheblushed and was so ready to unbosom her griefs, that she immediatelyproceeded to give me an account of herself, and how it was that shewas Mrs. Pickle and Mr. Primrose still living. 

"'Pardon me, sir, ' said she, 'but as I know you think it strangethat I have adopted this humble calling, I will tell you in briefhow it happened. A change came over my father's fortunes, and frombeing a rich and influential merchant, he was, by what is calledendorsing for others, reduced to a state of poverty, and so harassedby his creditors, who in their grasping for what he had would givehim no chance to retrieve his fortunes, that he put an end to amiserable existence by hanging himself. My father was a man ofsimple tastes, and set a higher value upon his good name than uponthe worldly show which was coming into fashion at that time. With mymother, it was quite different, for although she was much given tothe church, and subscribed largely for the support of an expensiveclergyman, she had a love of worldly show and ostentation, that notonly reduced my father's means, but grievously distressed him. Thesudden turn in our circumstances produced but little change in mymother, who set great value upon the good looks she imagined mepossessing; and having some money of her own, we took board withMrs. Marmaduke, who kept a boarding house for people of distinction, in Fifth Avenue, and was famous for the style and luxury of herestablishment, which had been the scene of several rich matrimonialalliances. 

"'Having previously formed the acquaintance of a poor butrespectable young artist and poet, whose kindness and sincerity, aswell as the great love he bore his art, in which he had alreadygained celebrity, so won my affections, that it seemed as if I couldbe happy with none other. And when my mother discovered how ourinclinations were bent, she forbid him coming to the house. He hadno money, she said, and painters were, in addition to being verygenerally fools, a shabby class of men, who were thought little ofamong rich merchants, and never took rank in the aristocracy-atleast, not in this country. Putting these things together, she couldnot think of giving her consent to an alliance with such a person. In truth, sir, though my narrative may not interest you, I maymention that she more than once declared that painters and poetswere such a shiftless set that they ought to be bundled into the seatogether. 'Think! Maria, ' she would say, 'of a thing with a weaselof dirty paints in his hands, and a bit of canvas, cut, may be, fromsome old ship's sail, before him, and he trying to get some curiousnotion upon it! A pretty person to go into society with, indeed!'This did not deter me from my purpose, so we would meet in saloonson Broadway, and exchange our affections, and concert measures forour mutual relief. 

"'Matters proceeded in this way until Mr. Primrose and his friend, Mr. Sparks, came to the house. They professed to be Englishmen ofwealth and station, educated at Oxford, and acquainted with enoughof the nobility to enable them to mix with our best society. According to Mr. Sparks, his friend Mr. Primrose, to whom he paidgreat deference, had riches enough to purchase a kingdom or two. Mr. Primrose had a servant in livery, and arms painted on his carriagedoor, and the fleetest of horses. My mother was much taken with him, and Mrs. Marmaduke declared that a more perfect gentleman had nevergraced her drawing rooms. He took them both to operas, and balls, and sleigh rides. And he paid them such court as completely wontheir confidence. In truth, they were both so enamored of him, thatthey were singing his praises from morning till night. And when hehad sufficiently won them over to him, he commenced paying hisaddresses to me, and so earnestly did he press his suit, that mymother declared it would not do to protract so excellent a chance. And notwithstanding my hand had been pledged to Milando, which wasthe name of the young painter, my mother insisted, and our nuptialswere celebrated, though much against my will. It seems a report, which my mother did not see fit to contradict, had got out that Iwas the only heir to a large estate, which was the prize Mr. Primrose sought to secure. In two short months the truth wasrevealed. I had no dowry, which so disappointed him, that he beganto cast reflections on my poverty, adding that he had been deceivedby the false representations of my artful mother. This gave me somuch pain, that I sought relief for my distress in frequenterinterviews with Milando, who, seeing himself ill treated for hispoverty, resolved to quit a profession in which neglect and distrusttoo often repay its votaries, and take to one that would at leastafford him money; which, according to the fashion of the day, wasthe only passport into what was called good society. 

"'Mr. Sparks quarreled with Mr. Primrose, who was in arrears forboard with Mrs. Marmaduke, and let it out that he was only a knightof the needle, who had formerly resided in Bermuda, which he leftfor a cause it is not worth while to mention here, though he wasskillful enough at making breeches, and getting up odd liveries forambitious families. He was missing one morning, and as his friendSparks had taken the precaution to precede him, there were so manyinquiries for him at Mrs. Marmaduke's, that it soon became clear hehad left to escape the importunities of his creditors. In truth, hewas declared an impostor, and the whole affair got into thenewspapers, the editors of which set about ferreting out a few ofhis exploits, when it was found that the deception practiced upon mewas only one among many, for he had gained a victory over theaffections of several widows, and left no less than three wives tosorrow. And so skillfully were his exploits performed, that eachvictim imagined him the most sincere and devoted of lovers. 

"'This sad occurrence, and its publicity, so mortified my mother, who was harassed with debts she had contracted to keep upappearances, that she survived it but a month. I was then left likea hapless mariner tossed on a troubled sea, and with no friend near. Mrs. Marmaduke made me a mere vassal in her house, and the inmatestreated me as if I were born to be scorned. Milando was my onlyhope, my only true friend-the only one to whom I could confide myheart achings, to whom I could look to save me from a life of shame, to which remorse had almost driven me. And will you believe that heinvoked a curse, and resolved to leave his profession, (for he couldnot live like those shabby men of the newspapers, ) to seek meanswhereby he could live without struggling in poverty and want. True, the wealthy gave him orders for paintings, affected great love forhis art, of which they held themselves great patrons when they hadbought two pictures. But, as a general thing, they had most excuseswhen he called, and were least ready to pay, which so tried hisproud spirit, that he more than once resigned the pictures to themrather than be a supplicant for his pay. 

"'Necessity at last drove him to painting Venuses for keepers of barrooms, who regarded art only as a means to excite the baser passionsof the vulgar. And though he was by this enabled to meet the demandson his purse, the thought of degrading an art to which he had giventhe devotions of his life, grieved him to the heart. He thereforeresolved that, as he could not make it serve the high purpose forwhich it was intended, he would abandon it. And when he changed hisprofession, he changed his name. He is now Mr. Pickle of the firm Ihave before mentioned. We were privately married under that name, and have since lived as humble as you see us. When we have got moneyenough, my husband will return to his profession. And now, sir, prayadapt yourself to our humble mode of living, and remember that ourhome is your home while you remain with us. '"

CHAPTER XXXIII. 

WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR DROPPED THE TITLE OF MAJOR, AND TOOKTHAT OF GENERAL; ALSO, HOW HE JOINED THE YOUNG AMERICAN BANKINGHOUSE OF PICKLE, PRIG, & FLUTTER. 

"WHEN the lady had enlisted my sympathy by her narrative, " continuedthe major, "which she related in a voice so sweet and melodious thatI listened to her with unmixed pleasure, the door bell rang, and Mr. Pickle, a man of straight person and medium height, entered. Hishair was black, and curled down his neck, which was symmetrical. And, too, his face was singularly expressive, and his featuresprominent. In a word, his appearance was prepossessing. And inaddition to dressing in the fashion of the day, he wore many jewels. His bearing also was graceful; and on entering the room, headdressed the lady with much courtesy, and called her Maria. She inturn introduced him to me as her husband. And I must say he seemednot a little surprised and confused at hearing my name, and inquireda second time, if I was the Major Roger Potter, of whom so much hadbeen said in the newspapers? And when I satisfied him on that point, he became so truly delighted that he immediately engaged me inconversation concerning the state of the nation, about which he waswell read, and indeed knew so much, that I at once took him for apolitician. But he assured me he was not; and to farther satisfy me, he commenced a description of the banking and other operations theYoung American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter were engagedin. They had an office near Wall Street, furnished with the finestdesks, carved in black walnut, and Brussels carpets, and stationeryof a quality sufficient to carry on an endless amount of diplomacy. They had books showing their correspondence with various prominentbankers in Europe-such as George Peabody, the Rothschilds, Overand, Gurney, & Co. , of London; and Monroe & Co. , of Paris. They had cardsprinted showing the most respectable references; they hadcorrespondents in all important towns over the Union, and towns theyhad none in were not worthy of so distinguished a consideration. They had gold mines in Peru and Mexico and California; silver minesin Chili, and iron mines in Patagonia and Nova Scotia. As to coppermines, they owned them here and there all the way from Lake Superiorto Cuba and Valparaiso. Indeed, they owned and were agents for suchan innumerable quantity of outlying property, that a countrygentleman, as I was, might have imagined them in possession of atleast one half of South America, and that the only one worth having. In addition to this, they condescended at times to discount notes, especially when it was a sure thing, and five per cent. A month wasa matter of no consequence with the holder. They drew bills, too, and sold exchange on every city in Europe; and would have drawn onCanton, had they been honored with a demand. In fine, there was nota city from Constantinople to Oregon, in which they had not abalance, and were prepared to draw upon. And I verily believe that, had it been necessary, they would have had a Bedouin Arab for agentin Egypt. The house now stood much in need of a little ready cash tosteady it on one side, and a prominent name (if coupled with amilitary title, so much the better) to prop up its dignity on theother. Indeed, I discovered from what Pickle said that the dignityof the house had already begun to tottle a little, and needed asteadying name and a steadying balance. 

"When we had taken supper together, he renewed the conversation, which finally resulted in his saying that a person so popular asmyself was just such a one as they wanted for partner in theirhouse. Inquiring what I thought of the matter, he said he wouldpropose it to the firm, and to-morrow make me a proposal. He alsosuggested, that if I would drop the Major, and assume the title ofGeneral-a thing done every day by the greatest of politicians-theeffect would be equal to a large amount of capital. Generals stoodwell in Wall Street; generals were excellent men (when endorsed bybishops) to send abroad to effect loans; generals were capitalfellows to get well out of a financial collapse; in fact, generalswere just the men to get through any sort of difficulty. Societybowed to a general; the people were charmed by a general; a generalwas every thing to a Young American Banking House like that ofPickle, Prig, & Flutter. No matter how visionary your scheme, youhad only to tie a general to it, and success was certain. If youcould buy up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then thegeneral would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was the customof the day, to praise every scheme they were engaged in. I thoughtthe offer very kind of Mr. Pickle, since my affairs were in afinancial collapse; and on the following day met his partners, attheir banking house, which was an exceedingly stylish affair. Theresult was, I became a partner in the concern-a silent partner, withthe name and title of General Roger Sherman Potter, Prig holding itgood policy to retain the Sherman, that being a name of great weightin the banking world. 

"The consummation of this being announced in all the newspapers, itwas ordered that I occupy a seat in the office at an immensemahogany desk, at least three hours a day. I was to have all thedaily papers duly filed at my hand, and to appear immersed in a pileof correspondence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If acustomer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who was thepolite man of the firm, and generally sat in an enclosure of highlypolished walnut railings, at a desk, upon which lay an enormousledger he was for ever footing up, and which he at times left withgreat reluctance. Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer toa foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, engagedin filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leaving unnoticed muchthat the house did, I may mention that it soon got into an extensivecredit; for Flutter, who was a man of extremely good looks anddress, kept two of the best looking and most expensive femalecompanions in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of sevenhorses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem; and thesequalifications were excellent passports into the credit of thebanking world of Wall Street. In truth, Flutter would frequentlysay, that the very hue and circumstance of their establishment wassuch as to make an impression upon, and secure the confidence of, the most flinty hearted banker; and as love of show was the maladyof the nation, you must make the plaster to suit. 

"Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor operations, and leftto Prig and Flutter the sole management of the exchanges. And bothbeing extremely generous men, and fast enough for any thing, theysoon made a large circle of friends, whose paper they were ready toendorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all my wants, andbegan to think myself the happiest of men. It was also deemedadvisable, and for the advantage of the house, that I should go toboard at the Astor. So, rubbing out the old score, I left my humblelodgings at Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where, on seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high favor withthe landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We went on swimminglyfor nearly a year, and the Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co. , it got rumored on the street, had beenwonderfully prosperous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to livelike a lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellentperson, and our children played with the children of the best ofthem. One day, a short time after we had been drawing no end ofbills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, there came back uponus such a large amount of returned paper as completely drove Flutterout of sight, while Prig said he held it advisable not to be seen atthe counter. Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to befound. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and offered all theexcuses his ingenuity could invent to save himself from a cage withbars. Curses came like thunder claps upon the head of the house, butit was all to no effect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursingmoney out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as uselessan occupation as trying to get goods out of the custom house withoutfeeing an employ‚ of that very accommodating asylum for idlers androgues. The house thought it advisable to shut up, which it did byposting a notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I feltlike making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to send mesome less perplexing mission; for the thing got into the newspapers, and we were held up to be a set of impostors, who deserved to bewell hanged. 

"And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised a cry of holyhorror that such miscreants had been suffered to pollute theatmosphere of its righteousness; to preserve which its votaries wereready to call in all the bishops and priests of the land; though nota word was said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings withthe tears of widows they had induced to invest in divers schemes. But to make the matter worse, it was found that Flutter, who wasskilled in caligraphy, and could imitate the signatures of others toperfection, had raised a large amount of money on a species ofcollateral that proved to be worthless, though excellent asillustrating his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter couldmanufacture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarelyexcelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, and allattempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry proved futile, poorPickle was arrested, called a miscreant, and all sorts of evilnames; but was declared innocent by a jury of his peers, though histrial made a great noise, and there were enough unkind enough to sayhe ought to get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Slyinsinuations were also cast out about me; but they were coupled withso much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by the concern, Iproceeded straight to the Astor, explained the state of my distressto the landlord, who indulged his disappointment with a few regrets, but at length said I ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He saidhe would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that fortunewould so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. The Young AmericanBanking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co. , being at an end, Iheld it prudent to give up my mission to Washington, (I had receivednews that my chances were slender, ) and get quickly and quietly tomy wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take her and thefamily to live among the fine folks of New York, and was sorelygrieved when the truth came out, but soon embraced me like a goodwife. And together we lived as happily as could be desired, (I madecalf brogans at twenty cents a pair, ) until I went to the MexicanWar, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way todistinction. "

CHAPTER XXXIV. 

WHICH DESCRIBES SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE, AND MUSTBE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED. 

THE major concluded his narrative, but forgot to mention, that whenhe returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-achange he considered due to discretion, for the villagers wereextremely inquisitive, and might inquire by what process he was madea general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was itbrought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlordof the Astor. 

The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring tobed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, theconversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major sworehe would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intendedsoon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would socultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to takethe critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversyconcerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, asneither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the chargebe ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated himself the greatestliving critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute his studies withevery advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward forpublic favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being wellpaid, would consider himself in duty bound to write diverspanegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as themajor, though, perhaps, not so great a knave, persisted that such acourse of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail toprove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable onlybecause they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account. As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to suchtricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerouspublishers, who held him in high esteem as a critic, thought it noharm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of verysentimental school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strainuntil he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place sogifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic asEasley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners. 

He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him intonumerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him tocontemplate giving it up, though he well knew the public appetitefor such things had not lessened a whit. And though the state of hisaffairs were somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get anotherfirst class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that wouldmake his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of gettingup a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the publicwould all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but thathe feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though hehad made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still complained ofhis skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested himfor President of the United States. 

I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and themajor, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at tendollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, andbe open to further negotiations, according to the degree of favorthen established between the animal and the public. And, as anevidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the firstwonderful feat he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting instate and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sensewould say he had not talent enough for the office. 

When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given anorder for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of theloquacious showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an airof much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makesit not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. Andhe was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attachedto him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well tohis behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian gentlemanas any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up inthe care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let himhave his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he hadno love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle with. Anotherfavor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership, lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who wouldmake much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician. There is, also, " he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or twooutstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient. "

No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than threedistinguished generals entered, saying they had come to pay theirrespects to a fellow in arms, whom it was the pleasure of the cityto honor. Each approached him with great gravity of manner, and, after shaking him warmly by the hand, presented him with sundrycongratulations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. Towhich the major replied, thanking heaven that with clean hands andvarious gifts of the head, he had served his country like a man;and, as his mission was not yet filled, he hoped (if the devilinterposed no obstacles) yet to render his country a service such ashistorians would write of. He now bade them be seated, and orderedan abundance of good wine, of which they partook without objection, and were soon as merry a set of fellows as ever bivouacked; for intruth they readily discovered the mental deficiencies of the major, and, to make up for the deception of which they were made victims bythe newspapers, resolved to enjoy the diversion afforded them by thequaintness of the major, who, though he had never put foot inMexico, at once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, andwhat service they had seen in that country. The spokesman of theparty, whose bearing bespoke him a man acquainted with arms, and whowas as great a wag as Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by sayingthat they were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Resaca dela Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista. And not to say too much oftheir bravery, he might mention that they were within smell of thegunpowder that stormed the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they werein so many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it wasimpossible to remember them all. 

"Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me, " interruptedthe major, "for I was in so many, that if I had the memory of aSampson I could not keep them all at my tongue's end, though Iremember well enough what a buffeting we got at the storming of SanJuan de Ulloa. As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here northere; and whether it was the first or second will not be set downagainst a man when he is dead. But if you will have proof that Ialso was in the hottest of it, pray let your eyes not deceive you. "Here the major gave his head a significant toss, and waddled acrossthe floor to his wardrobe, from which he exultingly drew forth hismilitary coat and three cornered hat. The former was indeed anancient fabric, with which divers and sundry moths had made sadhavoc, though he held it before the light and swore, by not lessthan three saints, the holes were all made by bullets. If either haddoubted this evidence of his valor, he was ready to strip to thebuff, and satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they alldeclared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient proof ofhis valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape as he doffed hiscoat, in earnest of his sincerity, was by no means pleasant, andconsequently hastened a favorable decision. 

The major was more than ever elated that the affair should havetaken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill their glasses, whichthey were glad enough to do, with renewals at such short intervalsthat the major, who was not to be outdone in number of glasses, providing his patriotism was pledged in them, found himself in astate of mental configuration, for he saw ghosts and dead warriorsby the dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of law, were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered about the room like amadman, feeling at his side for his sword, and swearing, by hismilitary reputation, that he would think no more of killing themthan he would so many Washington lobby agents. 

Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the name ofBenthornham, who, with the exception that he was less pumpkinbellied than the major, one might have supposed cast in the samemould, for he was squint eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shapevery like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the major intipping his glass; and though there was a review on the followingday, to which they had invited the major, out of sheer respect tohis fame, there was sufficient cause to apprehend that this GeneralBenthornham, (officer of the day though he was, ) would not be soberenough to appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicholas, one of the party suggested, that in order to pay becoming honor toso distinguished a major, they invite him to General Benthornham'sroom. And as the major never refused an invitation, especially whenit came from persons distinguished in the profession in which heclaimed to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, andproceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and champagne, ingreat abundance, were provided, and to which the major took withsuch renewed avidity, that they began to think his bowelsvulcanized. 

After they had plied him sufficiently with liquor, they insistedthat he relate some of the wonderful exploits he had performed inwar and politics, which he did, and with such an appearance oftruth, that the two who had not so far drenched their senses withliquor as to be incapable of judging, whispered to themselves thathe was not so much of a fool after all; in fact, that there was somuch truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being a realand not a sham hero of the Mexican War. "It does not become me tospeak of myself, gentlemen, " said the major, in conclusion, "but ifthere was a war in Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling awar; and as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in amonth, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring of the peopleof Barnstable, who used to praise them enough, God knows. "

It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, undecidedas to the major's mental qualities, and left him with GeneralBenthornham, whom he found no difficulty in soon talking into aprofound sleep. And this the major, who was not so far gone as toforget what belonged to good manners, regarded as an indignity noreally great military man could suffer to pass unresented. Hethereupon mounted his three cornered hat and stalked out of theroom, in the hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. Butsuch was the labyrinth of passages, that he lost his way, andmistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, which wasnatural enough considering the state of his optics. And though itwas an hour when every honest husband should be dividing his bedwith his better half, and all suspicions set at rest with the lockon the door fast secured, the major found no difficulty in enteringthis room, which he did with as little ceremony as he would drivehis tin wagon. But no sooner had he begun to doff his wardrobe, thana figure quite resembling a ghost, with a pale, round face, and twoeyes of great luster, flamed in the crimped border of a very whitenightcap, rose up in the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said, "Charles, my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but justhome. O, Charles!"

"Please, my good woman, " spoke the major, pausing, and lookingsurprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you mightfind better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family, and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you willjust take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have everyone of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of thesetricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character. "

The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and reechoed alongthe passages, and brought not only the watchmen of the house, but adozen or more boarders, all in their night dresses, and nearlyfrightened out of their wits, to the scene of distress. Severalcourageous ladies, with threatening gestures, ventured to say heought to be well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow!) forattempting such liberties at that hour. Others said military menwere all alike. 

"Hi! hi! what's here to do?" exclaimed the head watchman, a burlyfellow of forty, as he made his way through a barricade of nightgowns. "Come, sir, you must take yourself away from here. You haveinsulted the lady; have intruded yourself where you have no right;and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will cut you tobits. " ("He is a Georgian, and would rather have his wife dead thananother man make free with her, " whispered a bystander, as thewatchman admonished the major by taking him by the arm. )

The major, however, stood with his nether garments in his hands, like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes blinked in the brightgas light, which one of the courageous females had ignited: "I wouldhave you know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am aman who would share his meal any day with a lone female. And if youwill give me peace by taking this lady away, I will forgive her, andbeseech heaven to do the same. I may tell you that I am Major RogerSherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say thisnot of myself, for I take it you know me well enough. "

The distressed female now stood erect in her night robes, screechingat the top of her voice, for she believed a madman had entered herroom, and went straight into a fit of hysterics, while the watchmanand numerous of the female bystanders gathered around the major, andwould have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who suddenlymade his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, and commencedreading them a lesson on the qualities of mercy. 

But while the parson and one of the bystanders were offering allsorts of apologies for the major, which were having their effect onthe females, who, on discovering the nature of the accident, enjoyedthe joke exceedingly, the husband of the lady, being informed ofwhat had occurred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant'shaunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and without waitingfor an explanation, set upon the major with the fury of a goadedtiger, and when he had belabored him with a cudgel until they alldeclared there was not life enough in him to last till day light, drew a knife, and had despatched him on the spot, but for GeneralBenthornham, who, being called upon to quell the outbreak, had armedhimself with his sword, and came toddling into the room in his shirtand night cap, his soppy face and red nose made scarlet withexcitement, and presenting so sorry a figure that the courageousfemales scampered away to their rooms, and covered their blusheswith the sheets. 

"Heavens!" exclaimed the general, resting the point of his sword onthe floor, "what's here to do?" In another moment he advancedbetween the contestants, and with his sword struck the knife fromthe uplifted hand of the Georgian, and commanded him to spare thelife at his mercy. "Pray, sir, " said he, "don't forget to bemerciful, for he is a military gentleman of distinction, and I amsure it was an accident you will readily forgive when it isexplained. " The Georgian replied, that it had become a fashion withmilitary men to carry their gallantry a little too far with females, and rather than regret the trouncing he had given the major, hehoped the example would have its effect. 

The landlord now made his appearance, and seeing the city's guest insuch a plight, inquired into the cause, but could get nosatisfactory account of it; and being scrupulous of the reputationof his house, he enjoined them to keep the affair as quiet aspossible, lest it get to the ear of the editors, who would takegreat pride in using it to his damage. He then closed the door andendeavored to raise the major to his feet, but he was so like a deadman, and had lost so much good red blood, that the landlord becameseriously alarmed, and had a doctor, who boarded in his house, atonce called in. The doctor, when he had felt his pulse and ribs forsome time, said the case was a little doubtful, but he had skillenough to mend it. Indeed, to tell the truth, it only required aplaster or two, and a purgative, to restore him to perfect health. When the major had gained the use of his tongue, however, hedeclared he had at least seven broken ribs, and he knew not how manycracks in his skull, for it felt like a fractured cocoanut. 

And while the doctor was administering his balms to the patient, theGeorgian was endeavoring to pacify his wife, who, with the aid ofhartshorn and sundry other restoratives, was in a fair way ofrecovery. General Benthornham, in the meantime, continued to pacethe room, so much absorbed in his endeavor to preserve the peace ofthe house, as to be unconscious of the figure he was cutting. 

"And now, gentlemen, " said the general, in a foggy voice, "as thelady has received no damage, either to her reputation or person, andyou are both gentlemen, I think the little affair can be reconciled, if the major will but explain the mistake with as much delicacy ashe is capable of. "

"Indeed, " replied the major, "I am sure the gentleman will besatisfied that I meant no wrong to his lady, who I thought had gotinto my room instead of my getting into her's, by mistake as itturns out, when I tell him how it happened. The people where I wasraised know me for a peaceable man; and now that I have become apolitician, it behooves me to take care of what little character Ihave, which is not the case with all of them. And God knows Itreated the lady with courtesy; for, rather than prove unfaithful tomy wife Polly, I bid her take herself away. " The major said this insuch a tone of humility, that although it left the matter moreconfounded in the Georgian's mind, it so affected his feelings thathe began to regret having dealt so severely with him, and earnestlydesired to know the origin of the affair, which the major at oncerelated with great simplicity of manner, and finally, laid all theblame to the strength of the liquor he had indulged in during theevening. General Benthornham had, in the meantime, taken a seatwhere the bright glare of the gas shone full upon his face, and asthe major proceeded with his narrative, would every now and theninterpose an approving, "See that now!"

When the major had finished his story, the lady was affected totears, and besought her husband to make the gentleman such amends asthe case demanded. But, indeed, that was unnecessary, for theGeorgian had become so affected that he would have gone upon hisknees and offered the major any apology he might in reason demand. But the lady sprang to her feet, and saying she would dress theinjured man's wounds with her own hands, proceeded to her beaureauand with her cologne bottle and sponge set about bathing histemples, and performing such other little kindnesses as pleased themajor wonderfully, and made him declare he believed it the fate ofevery truly great public man to suffer in this way. In truth, he wasnot so sure that we appreciated it to the extent of its value, forit disciplined a man and prepared his mind for meeting the greatthings that were required of it in this world. "I have no fears ofmy reputation, madam, " he concluded, "but being the guest of thecity, I fear if my enemies see the bruised condition of my head, they will say I have had a difficulty with an alderman. " While theywere each trying to emulate the other in consoling the major in hisdistress, the lady, who had just then discovered the singular plightGeneral Benthornham was in, caught sight of his bare extremities, which so affected her that she shrieked, and swooned in the arms ofher husband. 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

WHICH RELATES THE VERY UNMILITARY PREDICAMENT THE MAJOR WAS FOUND INON THE FOLLOWING MORNING, WHEN HIS PRESENCE WAS EXPECTED AT THEREVIEW. 

GENERAL BENTHORNHAM was every inch a gentleman, and though he hadwhat the vulgar call a very ugly conk nose, the ladies held him inhigh favor, and doubtless had never seen him except in full uniform, when he appeared to excellent advantage, for the point of his hataided to detract from the immensity of his nose. As soon, therefore, as he saw the lady faint, and was made conscious of the cause, hetook to his heels, and scampered out of sight with the nimbleness ofa boy of fifteen, muttering apologies as he went, and saying tohimself, "Isn't this a pretty pickle for a military man of my age tobe in?" The Georgian was nevertheless inclined to treat this secondfainting effort of his wife with no great degree of sympathy, andwithout further ceremony told her, while almost suffocating her withhartshorn, not to make such a fool of herself, for it was the devilwho put bad thoughts into the heads of virtuous women. As to thegeneral, he was an old man, and had nothing about him a female ofgood morals need fear. This suddenly brought her to her senses, whenshe indulged in a few of those epithets females, however delicate, will use when resolved to show their lords the length they may go inasserting a priority of rights. In truth she threatened to pluck outall her hair, which would have been a performance much to beregretted, seeing that it floated over her shoulders like tresses ofsilk, and was so luxuriant that a Delhian maid might have envied it. She also cursed the hour she took him for her husband, saying hisnight revels would be the death of her, and continuing in a strainof execrations and wailings, (wishing herself back with her motheran hundred times, and declaring her's the most wretched of lives, )until he swore she gave him no peace of his life. 

The Georgian raised not his voice in anger again; but took the majoraffectionately by the arm, and, moved by compassion, assisted him toGeneral Benthornham's room, where he strove to comfort him as besthe could; and as the night was excessively hot, they quenched theirthirst with a little brandy and water, over which they againcondoled one another for their misfortunes, and became the very bestof friends. The general then begged the Georgian to say to his ladythat he intended no affront and that his appearing before her in hisshirt was entirely owing to his presence of mind having forsakenhim. Bidding them good night, the Georgian promised to convey thisapology to his lady, and took his departure, as the two militaryheroes went quietly to bed. 

General Benthornham's was a double bedded room, and when morningcame, and the numerous pet birds in the house were tuning theirnotes, and stray members of the seventh regiment, in their dashinguniforms, might be seen passing down Broadway to their armory, anxious lest some rival corps rob them of their laurels, and asproud of their feathers as the whistling canaries, the general andhis guest still slept, but in such a position, and with such loudsnoring, that had a stranger entered the room he would have swornthey had gone to bed prepared for battle, expecting at day light, (the time most fashionable for duel fighting, ) to open fire andseriously damage each other's most dependable parts. Verily, reader, do not make me the object of your invective, when I say that it isextremely doubtful if the public at large, to which I am ready atall times to pay homage, ever saw a general officer in his nativebuff. And this I hold to be the reason why it is so prone tooverrate the mightiness of some of those warriors who dash upBroadway on parade days, decked out in such a profuseness offeathers. Indeed it has come to my knowledge that the greatest ofgenerals, when presented with that natural uniform in which theirworthy mothers gave them to the world, are in no one particularunlike other men, and in truth that it is the splendid uniform thatinvests them with an appearance of great possessions and power, before which even great poets and scholars are ready to cast theirofferings. Taking this view of the case, then, I pray you to giveear while I relate how the general and the major were seen in aposition which I venture to assert few truly great military men wereever seen in, either during war or peace. 

The beds in General Benthornham's room stood parallel with eachother, a narrow passage extending between. And, as I have beforestated that the weather was excessively warm, when the aid de camp, a profusely feathered foreign gentleman, entered for the orders ofhis chief, he found both heroes naked to the buff, with the broaddisc of their most dependable parts forming confronting batteries, and their bodies making the letter C, very like snails after ashower of rain. On the opposite sides were little tables, upon whichstood, within reach, bottles of congress water, decanters in whichthe liquor had well nigh got to the bottom, and tumblers containingthe dregs of two very suggestive drinks called cocktails, allprovided at an early hour by a shrewd and very considerate waiter. The aid was not a little abashed when he discovered the conditionhis chief was in, and declared, in very good French, not a word ofwhich Benthornham could have understood had he been awake, thatalthough he had been aid to Garibaldi when he held possession ofRome, and had served in numerous battles where he had to run for hislife, he never had seen general officers cut such figures, which hewould not have the brigade see for the world. Indeed, he thoughtwithin himself that the sight was enough to have shocked either theseventh or seventy-first regiments, both of which corps werecomposed of young men of modesty and great respectability. The aidtouched his hat out of sheer respect to his sleeping superior, andindeed saluted him according to the regulations of the service. Butas neither the general nor the major paid the slightest heed tothese courtesies and the aid was a man much given to paying alldeference to his superiors, he, without disturbing the general inthe least, drew up the sheet and laid it gently over him, as a meansof protecting his dignity from further damage. He also performed asimilar service for the major, who was snoring at a pace that can bebetter imagined than described. 

When the aid had performed the little services above described, hepaced the room for several minutes, undecided as to the next coursehe should pursue. He had fully expected to find his superior officerin a different uniform, and ready to issue his orders as became aman of so much circumstance. As to the city's guest, he expected tofind him at least a respectable gentleman, and one who would takesome care of his person. He at length thought it advisable to givethe general a few gentle shakes, in the hope of restoring him toconsciousness; but, so sound was his sleep, that it became neces-sary to use violence before even a perceptible motion was produced. After considerable effort, however, he turned upon his face with aloud guffaw, and then upon his back. In fine, he put himself invarious strange attitudes, puffed like a porpoise in an head sea, and began swearing as never general swore before, that the wretchwho disturbed him of his slumbers should suffer for it at courtmartial. 

As the time for forming the brigade was near at hand, the aid verynaturally became more and more anxious. "Pardon me this liberty, your honor, " said he, addressing his superior, who was rubbing apair of swollen and very red eyes, "but the regiments are waitingorders, and as the hour is late, the officers will be in muchsuspense until they are issued. "

"Order them, " replied the general, "to get to their families, keeprespectable for the rest of the day, and then let them defy thedevil with their good behavior, for it is not yet light, and in allmy military experience (and I have had more than most men) I neverheard of a general being called up at midnight to review troops. Getye away to them, sir, and if they be not content with this order, tell them the fault's none of mine; for if the devil come, you mustnot disturb my sleep. "

"It is my duty to carry your order, general, " rejoined the colonel, again touching his hat, "but I am sure it will not be obeyed, for Ihave heard it said that the seventh regiment have a commendable fearof the devil, and would rather have nothing to do with him. " Thedistinguished French gentleman was so puzzled at the conduct of hissuperior officer, that he stood shrugging his shoulders, lifting hismustache, and contorting his face into every imaginable expression. At length he swore by Saint Peter, and one or two more of theapostles, that if the general got not up in a trice, and issued hisorder how to form the brigade, he would withdraw, report hiscondition, and throw up his sword. 

"Stop, sir, " said the general, "let not a disrespectful word passyour lips, or I order you under arrest, and sent to the devil, whichis a good enough punishment for Frenchmen. " The colonel was about towithdraw; but the general again peremptorily ordered him to stop, and, after some effort, succeeded in getting his legs over the sideof the bed, and his body in an upright position; and, when he hadgazed about the room confusedly, and fumbled about for his drawers, he said to the officer, "And now, sir, I change my mind, do you dothis: first order me a waiter! and when you have done it, see thathe be not a simpleton, but a good, honest fellow, who will assist meto put on my uniform without keeping his hand to my nose, expectingit to drop shillings. Then get this sleeping gentleman you see hereawake, for he is a person of much consequence, and, being the guestof the city, (which I say, seeing how much wind the fathers havewasted over him, ) and a major who has seen service in Mexico, itwill be of much importance that he go with us. Then, sinking therules of the service for a few minutes, you must join us in amorning glass, which will do you no injury, for I see you are everyinch a soldier. Then, go straightway to the general of brigade, tellhim to let the bands play till they have cracked their cheeks, andearned their money, which they will not do unless you tell them. Andas I have not seen much of this general of brigade's skill, and haveheard it said that his brains are in his boots, tell him that thegeneral in command orders him to form the brigade, which, if he havesense enough, he can do while I am putting on my breeches. " Here thegeneral's lower lip dropped, he cast a confused look first on thefloor then at the feathered Frenchman, and then began tugging awayat his drawers, until his nightcap fell to the floor, followed byhis wig and numerous imprecations, for he was vain of his looks, andthought himself a man whom any lady of taste might take for husbandwith credit to herself. "Then, " he resumed, "say I order him tomarch the brigade up Broadway, in platoon, to Union Square; and letthe bands ring out music that shall rend the very air, send the richof the city to wondering, and crowd the streets with raggedvagabonds. And as I am a soldier, I take it when this is done no mandare say the brigade is not made up of heroes, every man of them; ifhe do, let him be bayoneted! Call a halt, when you reach the square, and there stand till I come, which will be when I have my horse. "After listening with great attention to the general's commands, theaid again saluted, notwithstanding his chief was in his shirt, andthen set about waking up the major, which he succeeded in doingafter very many violent shakes, and at length seizing him by theshoulders and raising him bodily to his haunches, on which he satendeavoring to disenchant his eyes, like the moody josch of amandarin. The major then set to shouting at the top of his voice, exclaiming sundry queer commands, and making such strange flourisheswith his hands as at first caused the Frenchman to take him for amadman. 

It turned out, however, that he fancied himself mounted upon oldBattle, reviewing the Barnstable Invincibles, whom he was beratingright soundly for a set of stupid knaves. An invitation from thegeneral to join him and the aid in drinking a morning sweeper, suddenly brought him to his understanding, and, after offeringnumerous apologies for the distressed state of his person, said hewas not aware that the earliness of the hour prevented military menand politicians from drinking one another's health, provided theywere of equal rank: he therefore begged the feathered Frenchman tojoin him in drinking the health of General Benthornham, a gentlemanand a soldier; in fact, a man of whom the country was proud, for hehad seen wars enough to satisfy the ambition of any gentleman with amilitary turn of mind. The general condescended a bow in return forso flattering a compliment, and saying the best men were known bytheir deeds, placed the glass to his lips and quaffed the mixturewith a wry face. 

The aid now took his departure, with orders to his general ofbrigade; and a servant having appeared, the two distressed officers, still suffering from the effect of the revel, ordered a lightbreakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs, which, when they had quaffedthe congress water, they devoured like true heroes, the superiorofficer being not a little surprised at the facility with whichMajor Roger Potter used his fingers, and discoursed of his wife, Polly's, skill in preparing good breakfasts. They then ordered theirhorses, the major giving particular directions how to saddle oldBattle, to the end that he might carry a standing tail, which wasrare with him. He also directed that his own holsters be mounted, for, though they were shabby in appearance, no soldier could fail tosee that they had seen a deal of service, and would admire them themore for it. 

And now, gentle reader, lest you be deceived in either of mymilitary heroes, I will just mention, that the major retired to hisown room, and, having habited himself in his well worn uniform, joined General Benthornham, who had also got himself into hisuniform, and taken up a position at the table, armed, not with hissword, but a corpulent decanter, from which he was filling hisglass. The major never refused an invitation to join in a serviceheld so laudable by the profession, and filled his glass also. Andso strong was the beverage, that not many minutes had elapsed whenthey found it extremely difficult to take a forward move withoutoscillating from the line. As, however, the brigade was made up ofgentlemen, and not fighting soldiers, the general suddenlyremembered that it would not do to keep them waiting; and, takingthe major by the arm, they toddled (as if the floor were unsafe forsuch good men to tread upon) down stairs, into the front hall, tothe no small delight of the numerous bystanders, who gave them allthe room required by their high positions. 

And now, when the grooms brought the horses to the door, they wereastonished that so famous a major should ride an animal so shatteredin his appearance, and also travel with a pig who could match thedevil in cutting up antics. They therefore stood viewing him withintense anxiety; and, as old Battle had the spring halt in his nearhind leg, they were sure the major, when mounted, must cut a figurerarely presented in Broadway. And among the grooms there was one BobTotten, a man born and reared in Barnstable, and who had, many yearsago, been a fellow cordwainer in the same shop with the major. "Faith, " said he, in a voice loud enough to be heard by several ofthe bystanders, "it's old Roger Potter, or my eyes deceive me, andhe used to follow the trade of tin peddling. "

A group of ragged and vicious boys, attracted by the strange figurecut by the major in his uniform, commenced dividing their jibesbetween him and his horse, evincing not the slightest respect foreither. The question which should mount first was now mooted. Themajor insisted that he would see his superior officer first in thesaddle; while the general argued, with equal plausibility, thatcourtesy demanded that the major should mount first, he being theguest of the city. They debated the point for some time; and at lastcompromised the matter by agreeing to mount together. Thisdifficulty being settled, another of equal importance arose. 

"You have brought me another man's horse, " said the general, in anangry tone; "and if I am known for my horsemanship, I value myselftoo much to be kicked off by a colt. "

"Faith, sir, " replied the groom, "the horse is your own, and noother man's; and a horse of steady enough habits he is, too. "

The general, however, continued to pronounce him a strange horse, and refused to be convinced until he had applied his spectacles. 

And now, matters being arranged to their satisfaction, they mountedamidst the shouts and screams of the boys; which was not to bewondered at, for I venture to asset that young New York had neverbefore seen a major so strangely mounted. The noise and confusion, however, was something old Battle was not accustomed to, for, thoughhe was an horse of uncommon good behavior, he now pricked up hishead and tail, and gave out such proofs of the youth that yetremained in his bones, that it was with difficulty his rider couldmanage him. The general, meanwhile, coursed up Broadway with thelightness of a well mounted dragoon, turning in his saddle now andthen to ascertain what had become of the major, who, by dint of hardlabor, had got old Battle into a three-jog trot, and his head in theright direction. The mischievous urchins, however, continued toharass his rear, and so belabored his gambrels with whatever came tohand, that he increased his pace wonderfully, and at the same timemade it so difficult for the major to keep his saddle that hecompletely lost his temper, and swore he would ride over the wholeof them. But they ceased not to tease him; in truth, an urchin moremischievous than the rest, lighted a bunch of fire crackers he hadtied to the end of a rod, and, with wicked intent, applied them toold Battle's tail, so frightening him with the explosions that hetook to his heels and dashed up Broadway like a colt of three years, spreading consternation among the promenaders, and causing numeroustimid people to seek shelter in doors. In truth, I very much doubtwhether John Gilpin ever frightened so many people, or caused somany to look with astonishment. Onward he dashed, passing omnibusesand other vehicles without number, (all of which made way for him, )until he reached the New York Hotel, where he came up with thegeneral, whose horse took it into his head not to be outdone by soshabby a charger, and, giving one or two springs, dashed up Broadwaywith the fleetness of an Arabian filly. 

Scarce had the general's horse taken this strange freak into hishead, when old Battle stumbled, fell full length upon the pavement, and launched the major head foremost to the ground some yards inadvance. "I give my soul to my Maker, for now my end has come, " saidhe, "and I forgive all my enemies. " A groan followed thisexclamation, his limbs seemed seized with spasms, and then forseveral minutes he remained speechless. With the assistance of twopolicemen and several sympathizing gentlemen, he was carried intothe New York Hotel, where the landlord kindly provided for him, andmade him as comfortable as it was possible until he called in aphysician, one Miliano, who had great skill in mending batteredskulls, and restoring life to half dead persons. As for thegeneral's horse, he dashed on until he reached Union Square, wherehe made a bolt into the thickest of the brigade, which he scatteredin such confusion and dismay that they looked neither to the rightnor the left, but, depending upon their heels to save their valuablelives, ran into the nearest open doors, leaving their muskets towhomsoever saw fit to carry them off. And when the horse had reachedthe Everett House, he, in evident malice, threw the general over hishead upon the pavement, when several persons rushed out and pickedhim up for dead; but, instead of being dead, he proved to be thesoberest of men, and when he was upon his feet ordered the bravestman to go in pursuit of his horse, who was proceeding up FourthAvenue, a terror to all pedestrians. 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO CONSCIOUSNESS; AND OFTHE STORY OF AN ECCENTRIC CRITIC. 

LET me avail myself of your good nature, reader, for I am a man whowould not artfully conceal truth to the injury of a friend; but Iam, at the same time, conscious of the heavy penalty incurred inspeaking the honest, unembroidered truth of some of our welltailored heroes, who open and shut like sunflowers under a verticalsun, and present an excellent object to attract the admiration ofyour fine ladies in Broadway. Heaven knows I appreciate the truehero, and am ready to favor an honest purpose with a joyful heart;but your political general of militia is a model of coxcombry, acreature ready to faint when you want service of him, and the bestimposture known at this day. I, however, hold it not well to turnthe wheel too far against men who are harmlessly inclined, and inwhose marching and countermarching up Broadway (with the pomp andcircumstance of men about to face blood and flames) the juvenile andother lighthearted portions of the community find an excellent fundof amusement. Indeed, I remember that others may love what I have notaste to appreciate; and that when fortune turns against me, whichis the case at this moment, I had better keep my thumbs out of myneighbor's finger glass. Nor would I knowingly wound with my remarkson General Benthornham's merits as an officer, the pride of one ofhis many admirers. Suffice it to say, then, (as the learned DoctorEasley would say, ) that although his coat had received a rent or twoin the back, no sooner was his truant horse brought back to him thanhe mounted with the daring of a book publisher, and, after evincingno small desire to ride over the brigade a dozen times, and puttingit through a series of intricate evolutions, which the variousregiments forming it performed with great credit to themselves, heordered them dismissed and sent home, there to look well to theirgood behavior during the rest of the day. And for this last and verykind service, they thought him the bravest general history had anyaccount of. In accordance, then, with this parental admonition, theybetook themselves home, well fatigued, but as ready to fight as anygood men ought to be when satisfied that arms were necessary to themaintenance of law; which, however much I may blush to acknowledgeit, was the case in Gotham, which was in sad disorder-not from anybad spirit between its citizens, but merely the curious antics of avery ambitious mayor. Having made an amende I hope will prove ample, let us turn to the patient at the New York Hotel. 

Major Roger Potter, who I forgot to mention had been dubbed aGeneral on the preceding evening, lay in a state of stupor, thoughwith evident signs of life, for some hours. Being the guest of thecity, no little anxiety was evinced by the physician, who, afterexercising great skill in feeling for broken bones and cracks in hisskull, declared that he could find neither bruises nor broken bones;but, if appearances were to be taken, he had received such internalinjury as must soon put an end to his usefulness in this world, andsend him to a better. He therefore got out his lancet, and, afternearly draining his veins of blood, was about to apply a monsterplaster to his head, when the patient suddenly opened his eyes andbegan to give out such extraordinary signs of life that the doctoras suddenly changed his mind, and, laying aside the plaster, at oncedeclared he had the most sanguine hopes of his recovery. Meanwhile areport got over the city that Major Roger Potter was thrown from hishorse, and lay a corpse at the New York Hotel. And the newspapersadded to this report by inserting the mournful event as a fact. Indeed, the city fathers, who evinced a strange passion formournings, were well nigh voting a respectable sum to pay properrespect to his remains, for they held it no disgrace to vote sumsfor melancholy purposes; which, however, they invariably spend innight suppers, over which they give one another bloody noses andblack eyes-a distinguishing motto with divers hard headedcouncilmen. But the major was resolved not to be sent to his longaccount in so mean a style, and remained with his eyes wide open, and so clearly in possession of his rational senses, that thebystanders, who were all gentlemen of quality, (there not being anopera singer among them, ) declared that his power of endurance waswithout bounds. In truth, it was proven that no amount of batteringand bruising could kill so famous a warrior. But, if he opened hiseyes, he spoke not a word until the physician was gone, when hislips slowly resumed their power of motion, and he said, in a voicescarcely intelligible, "Quantibus, moribus, canibus, omnibus, madormibus. "

"Pray, what does he say?" inquired the bystanders of one another. 

"Lambabus, Jehovabus, cananius, " resumed the major, following theeffort with a deep sigh. 

"He speaks Latin, " replied one of the bystanders; "and as I have alittle of that language at my fingers' ends, I recognize that hesays, 'Blessed is he who dies in a noble mission. ' Yes, there! herepeats it again, and I have it exactly. "

The major continued muttering several incoherent sentences, interlarding them with words of intelligible English, which doublyconfused his auditors, another of whom declared that though he neverhad read a verse of Latin in his life, he was sure it was not that, but some strange tongue, in which the sufferer, being a profoundscholar, desired to make his "dying declaration. " They all finallycame to this opinion, and agreed that a priest and a parson becalled, as they were not quite sure as to his religion, and it wasonly necessary to have some one who knew Latin by heart. A druggistwas suggested by another; but an objection was interposed on theground that the Latin of druggists was not to be depended upon. Again, it was said the priest and the parson would get to quarrelingover some nice point of doctrine, or as to the exact style ofsending him to heaven, which would make it extremely unpleasant forthe worldly minded lookers on. "It is just come into my head, " spokea young man of genteel appearance and sympathizing looks, "thatthere lives in the neighborhood one Orlando Tickler, an Irishgentleman of much ancestry. He is reputed to be poor, but a profoundcritic of books; it is also said of him that he can speak numeroustongues. " Orlando Tickler was a man of fashionable aspect, and hadwritten various learned essays, largely set with Latin sentences, onsubjects connected with high art, for which he affected a loveequaled only by his contempt for every American who "dabbled in it. "And, as he was always ready to give proof of his wisdom, he came atthe first invitation, and with so grave and solemn a bearing that noman would have dared to dispute his wisdom. 

"And now, sir, " said he, in a brogue of peculiar richness, addressing the prostrate hero, "since I see you are dying, and aboutto leave this world, pray what would you say in respect toyourself?"

The major (now General Roger Potter) fixed his eyes upon Mr. Ticklerwith such intenseness that he turned pale, and repeated hisquestion. Whereupon the prostrate patient again muttered, "Quantibus, moribus, canibus, ma dormebus. "

"Faith, and it's as good Latin as my man could speak, which issaying no little for him as a gentleman, " said Mr. Tickler, with anair of much wisdom. 

"Please, sir, tell us what he says, for we are all impatient, lestthe poor man go out of the world with a dying request upon hislips;" interposed one of the bystanders. 

"What's that he says, now?" queried Mr. Tickler, in reply. "Well, Ihave it!-he says, (and I think his mind is a little out because hesays it, ) that this world is all naked vanity, and the quicker a manmakes his peace with heaven, the stronger is the proof that he is aman of sense. "

They all agreed that this was a very sensible remark for a dyingman, when the major, to their utter astonishment, again opened hislips, and with more vigor than before, muttered one of twosentences, which were all of Latin he had ever known in his life, "Apolla Majora canimus. "

"See, now!-what is this it is now?" interposed the learned Tickler. "Faith it's hard enough keeping them all in a body's head. Indeed, an' it's come to me quick enough though! He says he gave hisenergies to his country, and hopes the devil may get his enemies ifthey say it was otherwise with him. "

Mr. Tickler now commenced a dissertation on the beauties of theLatin language, the origin of which he traced into the ancientCeltic, which, judging from its Nomic melody, he should say bore atrite and common resemblance to that now spoken in Wales, Ireland, and the Highlands of Scotland; and which, notwithstanding theauthorities to the contrary, he firmly believed was introduced firstinto his country by William the Conqueror. Indeed, he insisted thathe had twice debated this point with the learned critic, Easley, (whom he styled the New York executioner of literature, ) and beathim with ease; for though Easley was a man of profound knowledge anderudition, he was not a match for him at Latin. 

"Omnes codem cogimur, omnium, " repeated the major. 

"Gentlemen, " said the critic, "he has something of great importanceto communicate, and, if it please you, desires to be alone for a fewminutes. " The bystanders were now well convinced that Mr. Ticklerwas a man of profound learning, and more than up to his reputation. They, therefore, withdrew in silence; and had no sooner disappearedthan the major rose to his haunches without the slightestdifficulty, and gave visible proof that his tongue was restored toits original usefulness. 

"Truly, I am under an obligation to you, sir, " said he, addressinghimself to the critic; "for you have rendered me a service I muchneeded. I was only stunned, and knew that a little sleep wouldrestore me to my natural understanding. But my tongue had lost itspower, and I could not sleep with so many about my bed. The nonsenseI muttered was for a disguise; for I feared if I came suddenly to mysenses they would dry up their sympathies, and not think so well ofme. But pray, how comes it, sir, that you made such good Latin of mygibberish? Tell me, kind sir, for I see you are a scholar, and itmay be that Latin is a natural gift with me; and when you are done Iwill order up a little brandy, which we will divide between us; forI apprehend it will not embarrass you, since you are a man in whoseeye I see wisdom enough for several. "

"To be honest with you, friend, I will not reject the brandy, for Itook a liking to it when I was a strolling player, and believe itdoes me no harm in my new profession. He here, at the major'srequest, rang the bell for a waiter. "As to what you said, to tellthe truth between ourselves, not a word of it could I make out; forthough I can speak many languages, my head is not troubled with aword of Latin, which, I have no doubt, you spoke with greatcorrectness. I would have you know, sir, that it will not do inthese pinching times to set up for a critic, unless you have Latinat your finger's ends. And if you have it not, why it serves thesame purpose to say you have. With Latin you can enter the PressClub, (which affords you an excellent opportunity of escaping thebills of your tailor, ) and if you practice the deception with skill, you will be set down for a man of wonderful capacity. But if youknew what a miserable thing it is to be a critic, you would, I knew, say a man had better follow the devil with a fife and drum thandepend on the tricks of booksellers for his bread, which is come thefashion with critics at this day. "

"Upon my soul, Mr. Tickler, " replied the major, rising to his feet, as sound a man as ever was seen, "I reverence you for your goodsense. The truth is, I hold it none the worse of a man that he havenot his mouth full of Latin every minute in the day. And as my wifePolly knows, I have languages enough at my tongue's end; but hold itbetter of a man that he try to get perfect in his own. "

"Let us to the priests with the languages, " rejoined Mr. Tickler, knowingly; "and let us get to the brandy for here comes theservant. " And the servant entered with a bow. 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 

IN WHICH WILL BE FOUND SEVERAL THINGS COMMON TO MILITARYPOLITICIANS; ALSO, A CURIOUS HISTORY OF THE CRITICS, AS RELATED BYMR. TICKLER. 

HAVING given his order to the servant, General Potter turned to Mr. Tickler, and with great politeness said, "I may say to you inconfidence, seeing that I shall be all right when I take a bottle ortwo of Townsend's Sarsaparilla, that my friends made me a Generallast night; and as experience teaches me that this title will do megreat service, pray make it convenient to address me accordingly. "Mr. Tickler at once promised to scrupulously regard this admonition, as well as to hold the general's person in profound respect. 

And now, as many inquiries were made after his health by persons ofdistinction, he desired the host to send them away, saying he wasdoing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. And whenthe gentlemen who retired at Mr. Tickler's request reentered theroom, they were surprised and astonished to find the man they hadsupposed on the point of death restored to perfect health, and weakonly from the blood taken from him by the skillful physician. Hewas, indeed, speaking as good English as needs be, and earnestlydebating a question of state policy with Mr. Tickler over anexcellent punch. On making inquiries about his pains, he goodnaturedly assured them he was a much sounder man than before, exceptthat he had a slight itching in one of his toes, which could bereadily removed with a bottle or two of Dr. Townsend's Sarsaparilla. They were not a little diverted at the quaintness of the remark, andwent away satisfied that he was at least the most remarkable man ofthe age, if not the wisest. 

Not a thought was given to old Battle during all this time, whichwas the strangest thing of all, considering the affection he borehim. Having drained his glass, the general (which he must henceforthbe called) gave Mr. Tickler wonderful account of his mission, andthe prospects that were held out to him. "I see, sir, " said he, addressing Tickler, "that you are a man of uncommon ability; and asI stand in great need of just such a gentleman's services, to writemy speeches, and do an elegant correspondence, you have but to sayyou will join me, and I promise you such a share of the rewards aswill make you a happy man for the rest of your life. My speeches arenot difficult, but my correspondence is extensive and curiousenough, God knows. "

"An office that will better my condition will not stand long waitingmy acceptance, as you shall have reason to know, sir, when you makeme the offer. Mind ye, I have followed the wretched life of a criticso long that I am compelled to cheat my tailor, and depend on afriend to invite me to dinner. As to my accomplishments, you willfind them out by inquiring at the Press Club, which is composed ofas nice gentlemen as any lady of taste could wish; and I swear, sir, they have so much learning that they have killed several magazinesof great respectability. " Mr. Tickler said this with an air ofsuperlative dignity; and having a beard and mustache of exquisitegrowth, he drew a delicate comb from his pocket, and commencedcurling them with great care. In truth, Mr. Orlando Tickler wassomething of an exquisite, and as much a fixture at the opera as theempty chair of a stockholder. What was more, he leveled an operaglass worth sixty dollars at the belles. 

"Really, sir, " replied the general with a smile, "you talk like agentleman of profound wisdom. I perhaps ought to tell you, that aclever young gentleman, who did me the service I desire of you, being ambitious, left me, and set up for a lawyer. And it was invain I promisd him a seat in Congress in two years, if he wouldremain with me. It is also said of him, that he has taken to writingmy history, which an honest bookseller has engaged to publish out ofsheer respect to the severe and very uncharitable things he had saidof me and my wife, Polly Potter. " The general now begged Mr. Ticklerto give him a more detailed account of these critics, of whom he hehad spoken so strangely. 

"Faith, sir, it gives me pleasure to impart knowledge to others, "rejoined Mr. Tickler; "and as I have no great love for any of them, I will, to be brief, tell you that you may divide them under fourheads: The wise critics, the fashionable society critics, thecorrespondent critics, and the critics at large. The wise critic isgenerally a dilapidated parson, who, having vacated the pulpit forwant of morals, brings into literature the spirit of the viper, which he manifests toward his brother craftsmen with peculiarunction. He preserves a sort of clerical air, wears a whiteneckcloth, spectacles, and a shabby coat; and in addition to foullinen, he has a great passion for sending poets and novel writers tothe devil. He affects to despise a literature not well savored withreligious sentiment, but will at times condescend to lavishunmeasured praise upon a book of loose morals. The wise criticgenerally has lodging with some pious lady in Fourth Street, breakfasts on rolls and coffee at Peteler's, dines three times aweek with his female literary friends, and for the rest takes riceand milk at Savery's, in Beekman Street. Being literary editor oftwo or more daily papers, publishers hold him in great respect, andemploy him at reading the novels of ambitious school girls, which hewill aid them in cramming down the spacious throat of the public. Itwould not do to offer a wise critic pay for his services; but theaccepting of presents he regards in the light of exchanges of lovebetween a friend served and a friend admired. He has numerousaffairs of ceremony with gifted widows, who write very excellentsensation books in behalf of downtrodden humanity, and who neverfail to express their admiration of his great learning; and thishigh consideration he repays with ponderous eulogies on their books. His carping he reserves for the devil, and such authors as Prescott, Bryant, and Longfellow. 

"The fashionable critic belongs to the Press Club, from which it maybe inferred that he is an excellent judge of Cologne and hair oil. Isay this, sir, seeing how large a a quantity of these excellentarticles are used by the nice persons who constitute that club. Indress, the fashionable critic is quite up to Fifth Avenue, and inmanners he is rather above it. He is in high favor with certain ageddowagers of doubtful ancestry, who never think of giving an eveningparty without one or two of the best cravatted. He has a wonderfulrelish for light literature, and affects to speak numerous tongues. In truth, if there be a tongue he is not familiar with, he will tellyou most patronizingly that it is a tongue not known in fashionablesociety. He writes articles for magazines, turns the brains ofcertain young damsels at boarding schools, and at the end of theyear fancies himself a Byron. Now and then he gathers his strayeffusions together, and gives them to the forgiving world in a bookthat sends a titillation of joy to the hearts of his numerousadmirers, and also sets every fashionable critic to praising it asthe most wonderful work of the age; for unlike the wise critic, thefashionable critic eschews envy, and invariably puffs the bantlingsof his fellows. In fine, the fashionable critic is always tied tosome lady friend, who has written a book he is about to notice inPutnam, a journal he has nearly choked to death with his greatlearning. If you would know how he lives I will tell you. He hasthree dollar lodgings with Mrs. Sponge, in Amity Street, which isfashionable enough for any body. But being a sharp fellow, he takesa dinner or two at the Brevort House, which enables him to inditeall his epistles therefrom, so, to his friends, he is at the BrevortHouse. And, believe me, sir, for I say it more in pity than anger, he is a man much given to appropriating to himself the coats andbreeches of his friends, and going uninvited to balls. 

"The correspondent critic is generally an energetic gentleman offoreign extraction and doubtful ancestry. Being without means orbusiness, he sets up for a critic of books. He will correspondgratis for papers in Boston, Philadelphia, Washington, Cincinnati, and other large cities. Having "got his newspapers, " he forms anextensive acquaintance with authors, publishers, and actors-in aword, with any one in need of puffing, the force of which he gaugesaccording to the amount paid. Although the wise critic holds him inutter contempt, he affects a knowledge of books quite as profound, and can completely outshine him in his style of adulation. As fornew books, no enterprising publisher would deign to send him lessthan two copies, which may be found at a book stall the very nextmorning. As, however, his sense of feeling is so delicate that heonly wants to feel a book to decide upon its merits, this disposingof the books fortunately does not debar him from giving a ten dollaropinion of it in one of his newspapers. When, however, his puffs arenot squared according to the publisher's liking, he is sent abouthis business; sometimes threatened with an expos‚ of thepeculiarities of his trade. He has free drinks and dinners atvarious first class hotels, which he invariably recommends in his'articles. ' Doctor Thompson's purgative powders, Lubin's perfumery, and the Home Journal, are severally victims of his profound respect. 

"The correspondent critic has small apartments at first classhotels, which he changes frequently, out of sheer respect, as hesays, to economy. But I have failed to discover how this couldapply, since the change was invariably made for a more expensivehotel, while a little score always remained on the ledger, to the nosmall annoyance of the host. But, sir, where they have it is in'knowing' the impressibility of certain ambitious actresses, whoseacquaintance they cultivate, and for a given sum set them up forSiddonses and Rachels, with the same respect for modesty they evincein puffing Peteler's soda water. 

"And now, sir, we have come to the last, but depend upon it, he isnot the least of them all--I mean the critic at large. " Here Mr. Tickler, who, it must be known, was as big a knave as any of them, and only charged upon others the little inconsistencies he hadhimself been guilty of, lighted his cigar, and suggested the goodresults of another well compounded punch, which the general orderedwithout delay. "I tell you, sir, " Mr. Tickler resumed, "he is anoily gentleman in very shabby clothes, and might be easily mistakenfor a cross between a toper and a tinker. Lacking capacity for anyother business, he forms a cheap connection with the press, wherehis first office would seem to be that of sitting in judgment uponliterature. Indeed, I have seldom seen a more shabby gentleman setup for a man of letters. His aversion to water and clean linen isonly equaled by his love of actors and bad brandy, the latter havingpainted his face with a deep glow. The limit of his 'set phrases' issomewhat narrow; but notwithstanding this little impediment, he hasa wonderful facility for making heroes. He assists publishers in'getting out books, ' getting up sensations, and, perhaps, a learnedcontroversy, in which the Evening Post, feeling its reserved rightsinfringed, will join issue with every one else. The critic at largeis, in most cases, a foreign gentleman, who boasts an engagement onthe Express, adding at the same time, and with some assurance, thathe writes for the Sunday Dispatch and Atlas. This stroke of policyhe holds necessary to preserve his respectability. He is in highfavor at all the theaters, tips winks to his actress acquaintances, drinks slings and toddies at Honey's with actors befuddlingthemselves into that dreamy state regarded by the profession asnecessary to the clear bringing out of all the beauties with which abeneficent providence endowed the kings and conquerors they are topersonate at night, on that sequestered world called the stage. Youmay know by the downy state of his wardrobe that he has a place tosleep. But where he gets his breakfast is a mystery no friend hasever yet solved for me. Aside from taking a two shilling dinner atan oyster cellar in William Street and wiping his greasy fingers ona leather apron, he would seem to live on hopes and brandy-mixed. Heaffects great admiration of Johnson and Goldsmith, compares hispoverty with theirs, and attributes the present wretched conditionof criticism to the disgrace brought upon the profession by Easleyand other dilapidated priests. You will frequently see this shabbyman of letters standing at the corner of Nassau and Ann streets, hishands in his pockets and his head bent in meditation. Occasionallyhe will pitch his post in the vicinity of the Herald office, andlook up longingly at the windows, as if envying the dare devils whowrite for that witty journal their fat larder. And here he willremain until some kind friend with a shilling invites him to asling. Truly, sir, he is starved into flattering his patrons. If yoube an ambitious author, you have only to show him the color of yourcoin, and for two dollars he will make you quite equal to Thackeray. Five dollars in his palm, and, my word for it, he will have yousuperior to either Bulwer or Dickens. If you be a poet, he will, forthe sum of eight dollars, (which is Easley's price, ) enshrine youwith the combined mantles of Homer and Shakspeare. He applies thesame scale of prices to such actors and actresses as stand in needof his services. Notwithstanding his passion for exalting hispatrons, he affects in conversation a great dislike for Americanliterature, while at the same time he is ever ready to lavish themost indiscriminate praise upon the books of foreign authors. Henever makes both ends meet on Saturday, but will borrow a dollar togo to Coney Island on Sunday. 

"And now, your honor, you have the whole mob, and you may make whatyou please of them. " The general raised his glass, and was about todeclare he had been highly entertained, when Mr. Tickler suddenlyinterrupted, by reminding him that he had just called to mind thefact, that there was a play writer critic. "This fellow is the mostcongenial of them all, has a little room somewhere in North MooreStreet, in which may found two or three pictures of fierce lookingtragedians; a cot covered with a quilt of various colors, andlooking as if it had been used for a horse blanket; a carpet thecolors have long since been worn out of; a dumb clock over the dingymantel piece; a portrait of the deceased husband of the hostess; anda table well supplied with pipes, tobacco, and French plays. TheFrench plays are, when slightly altered and rendered into English, for the public; the pipes and tobacco are for his friends. Andalthough perpetually climbing the mountain of poverty, whilebuilding no end of castles in the air, he spends what he gets to-dayand has no thought for to-morrow. It having come the fashion of theday for managers of theaters to feast their patrons on the morbidsentimentality of French plays, (as if the vices of our own socialsystem were not enough to excite the vicious propensities of ourhigh blooded youths, ) so also would it seem the highest inspirationof the eighteenth century play writer to rehash and coarsify for theAmerican stage all those lascivious eccentricities for which theFrench are famous. Hence, your jolly play writer is generallyengaged with his friends, smoking pipes and reading the last Frenchpiece. The pleasure excited by this congenial occupation isinvariably heightened with libations of whiskey, the play writerhaving a credit with the grocer at the corner for three bottles, which, in a case of emergency, may be extended to four. He writesoccasionally for the Sunday newspapers, thinks John Brougham thegreatest dramatist and wit of the age, and stands ready either tojoin him in a glass or sing his praises, though there is as muchreason for committing so flagrant an outrage as there would be inpraising the ten thousand and one stanzas written by that wonderfuland very eccentric bard, Richard Yeadon, who has sung of so manysprings and watering places as to dry up his own muse. He islikewise something of a dabbler at reviewing novels, but they mustbe largely sprinkled with murders, and have plots strong enough tocarry anything but the clergy. All other critics are to him greatbores; but, like them, he has a price for his services, and will, ifyou pay him, make Shakspeares and Corneilles of very ordinarypersons. As for respectable society, he never even scented theperfumery of its outskirts; he therefore holds it in utter contempt. Ready at all times to adapt himself to circumstances, if he chanceto get in arrears to his landlady, he will square the account bymarrying either herself or her daughter. " Mr. Tickler proceeded inthis strain, relating sundry curious things of the critics, untilthe night was far advanced, and concluded by suggesting that noserious damage could result to his constitution from another punch. The general immediately fell in with this opinion, and indeed was soentertained by his narrative, that he would have ordered a dozenpunches without considering his obligation to him wiped out. Thepunch being dispatched, the general slipped five dollars into Mr. Tickler's hand, and desired him to proceed to the host, thank himfor his great kindness, and clear the little score from his ledger. Greatly delighted at the prospect of performing this service, Mr. Tickler proceeded to the office, and was informed by the polite hostthat it was a custom with him never to take money of persons drivento seek shelter in his house by accidents. To end the matter, hevowed it not only gave him great pleasure to have so distinguished amilitary gentleman in his house, which had bore a character forhospitality he was scrupulous it should continue to maintain, butthat he would be happy to see him again. Indeed, he wished himsuccess in all his undertakings, hoping they would bring comfort ingreat abundance. 

Slipping the price of a criticism into his own pocket, the adroitTickler returned to the general, swore the host was the mostgenerous fellow within his knowledge, and said, "See here, sir!faith of my father! but he would only take three dollars for it all. And he passed the divil knows how many compliments on your valor, for I couldn't count them. " He now proffered the remaining two, butwas not slow in acting upon the general's admonition to put them inhis own pocket. "And now, sir, " resumed Mr. Tickler, with an air ofgreat anxiety, "let us hasten home to your lodgings, and to-morrow Iwill write this generous man a note for you, thanking him for suchrare disinterestedness. And it shall be such a note!" The general, however, was not quite sure whether such an act would become a manof courtesy, and expressed a desire to see so generous a landlordand tell him how much he thanked him. But as this would seriouslydisturb Mr. Tickler's arrangements, that gentleman got him out ofthe house as speedily as possible, assuring him that such aproceeding would be contrary to all the established rules ofetiquette. Quietly then, they proceeded down Broadway together, suspicious that they were seen by every passer by, and entered theSt. Nicholas by a private door. And so unobserved was thisachievement, that the host was, on the following morning, surprisedand astonished at the return of his guest, whom he would have swornwas lying a corpse at the New York Hotel. 

CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

GENERAL POTTER RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE POLLY; HE ENGAGES TOFIGHT THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS; PREPARES TO LEAVE FOR WASHINGTON;AND VARIOUS THINGS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING. 

WHEN Tickler parted company with the general, it was with theunderstanding that they meet again in a day or two, and consummatethe agreement whereby the adroit critic was to follow the fortunesof his master through politics and war. He therefore went directlyto his home, and returned thanks for the mercy of this opportunedeliverance from his dire necessities. A shilling he had not had inhis pocket for several days; and as to the five dollars, it wouldenable him to assume a position of no small importance among hisfriends at the opera. 

As to the general, he awoke early in the morning, and began tocontemplate his honors. There could not be the slightest doubt ofhis fame in politics, seeing how many distinguished persons hadsought to pay him homage. Indeed, he had been carried by a processknown only to politicians to an incredible height of popularity, which, being vain of, he bore with a patience and cheerfulnessequaled only by the docility of old Battle, his horse. The cityfathers, it must be mentioned, finding him not quite up to theirexpectations, were endeavoring to drop him with as little noise aspossible. But it seemed a question which was most deceived, thegeneral or the city fathers. The latter found the former a shallowpated man, who from mere joking, had been made to believe himself agreat politician, and by a singular cleverness in committing tomemory the altered speeches of others, had created for himself arespectability that always vanished on an acquaintance with him;while the former declared that the population of a city was no proofof the amount of moral rectitude by which its government wasconducted, seeing that he had found those of the city fathers withwhom he had come in contact, very craggy headed men, and sadlydeficient in everything but creating disorders and bringing disgraceupon the city: in fine, that they were not what they ought to be. 

The general now began to look about him for means whereby he coulddistinguish himself in war, and make his fame national. He arguedwithin himself that however famous a man might become in politics, there was an uncertainty always impending. But to be famous in war, was something as durable as time, and which always excited thewarmest admiration of one's countrymen. And while he, with confusedfancies flitting through his imagination, was thus contemplating hispresent greatness and future prospects, a servant entered, bearing aletter. 

"Love of me!" exclaimed the general, "It's from my wife, Polly!"

A superscription in a series of hieroglyphics that would have defiedthe combined erudition of Rawlinson and Layard, the generaldeciphered thus: "To Major Roger Sherman Potter. In New York. " Theseal, which was of broken wafers, pressed with a thimble, was brokenxwith eager anxiety, and the general, his eyes transfixed on thedingy page, read the contents, which ran thus:

"Barnstable, June -, 185. --"My Dear husban

"You knows i niver did like these ere politiks, for all theexpereiance i've had in um tells me they nethir brings meat nor paysthe store bills. I see they bin making ever so much on you yinder inNew York; but that ant nothin', when a body has debts to pay, andchildirn to shoe and larn. I know, and you know i know, that whenyou was young you had capacity (talent they call it) enuff to get toCongriss; and thats why i tried so to get you there, and sold allthe ducks and chickens, and strained, you know, ever so many ways tohelp you up in the world; but now i see there's not a whit a useint, for i've a come convinsed that them politiks makes an honestman a rogue, and sends his soul to the devil, and his family to thetown-house. I like to see you made so much of, for i have thenateral feelins of a wife, and if, as you used to say, i didn't knowmuch of filosofy, why i have some sense, and want you to comestraight home, and see to your poor family, for it takes all we canget for binding shoes to buy bread. But what i want to tell you isthree days after you left on the Two Marys, Sheriff Warner come witha rit, and carried away the three pigs, and Warner has bin donnin melife out for that old store bill, and Draner says he wont waitanother day for the rent, and Aldrich says you owe him ten dollarsborrowed money, which you had better pay afore you make so muchnoise in New York. But what i want to tell you is, that i lent whatlittle money you left to Captain Ben Larnard, who says he can't payit back right away, but will when his wife gits home, though CaptainSpelt's wife says she's run off with another man. And there's thattrifle due when you went away to Jefferson Bigelow the butcher, hekeeps a lookin in and giving me the startles, and saying how SquireBenson lives at the corner. Now as you love your poor wife andchildren come home, and let politiks alone, and provide for yourchildren like a good christian and an honest man, which I have heardit said a politishon cant be. And this is the prayer of your trueand affeckshonite wife POLLY POTTER. "

"A bombshell from my wife Polly, sure enough!" ejaculated thegeneral; "but she is a sensible woman, and with learning would havemade her mark in the world. A man must not look back though, butrenew his demonstrations against misfortune, and then if he succeedlet him thank his energy. And yet it is true, as my wife Polly says, my politics have brought me in but little meat, and my children haveoften times gone scantily clad, whereas they might have had plentyif I'd stuck to the bench. However, a point approached, is a pointgained, and now that my hand is almost upon a mission, which willrepay for all my disappointments, it will not do to walk back intothe house and shut the door. "

Thus the hero reasoned within himself. It was true, old Battle waseating his head off. But the pig had made a wonderful sensation, andso crowded the house every night as to demonstrate the fact thatfirst rate talent of every kind was highly appreciated in New York. The critics, with scarcely a dissenting voice, had declared the piga marvel, a profound embodiment of talent, one of the wonders of theage; an animal possessed of such rare gifts that no lover of thecurious in natural history should lose the opportunity of witnessinghis performances. And in order to diversify these distinguished andvery popular entertainments, the clever showman had introduced apiece called "Evenings with the Critics, " in one scene of which waspresented a litter of nine precocious pigs, habited in bright, colored mantles, and seated on seats forming a semicircle, withDuncan in ducal robes seated on a throne, and presiding with thegravest demeanor. The nine small pigs were supposed to representvarious members of the critic tribe, while Duncan, who was inspectacles, personated Doctor Easley. And so cleverly did theshowman understand the instincts of critics, as well as the beautiesof his art, that he produced the scene with the merits of a poemcalled Hiawatha under consideration. Each pig waited the signal ofapproval or disapproval from Duncan, and according to his verdict, either fell upon and grievously soiled the poem, or grunted in onestring of praise as they danced round it. And the audienceunderstanding the logic of this, the performance proved highlyentertaining. Indeed, renowned tragedians, very popular lowcomedians, leading business ladies, whose fame had been made fortwenty years, and singing ladies who hailed from no less a placethan the Covent Garden Opera, London, were driven by the pig maniainto Poverty Lodge, from whence they sneeringly declared that nobetter proof of the low standard of public taste could be afforded. 

And now, while pondering over the letter received from his wife, Polly, and feeling as if he could kiss her a thousand times, andentreat her to bear with him, since this time he was sure ofsuccess, and would return to her so much exalted that the wholevillage would turn out to do him homage, Barnum entered, and withoutfurther ceremony declared himself so enamored of the pig, whosesuccess with the public was unprecedented, that he cheerfully paiddown the amount of the closing engagement, and produced a paperwhich proved to be a re‰ngagement at an advance of terms, that socompletely satisfied the general, that he signed it without furtherhesitation. The showman being a advocate of temperance, declinedGeneral Potter's invitation to join him over a punch; and being aman of business, took his departure as soon as he had perfected there‰ngagement, promising to keep the pig's birthplace and antecedentsa profound secret. And when he was gone, the general took fiftydollars of the money paid him, and sate down to write the followingletter in reply to that received from his wife Polly: "St. NicholasHotel, New York, June -, 185-. "MY DEAR WIFE POLLY:

"Your letter is just received, and grieves me enough, God knows. Youmust know, dear Polly, that riches are not got in a day, nor is famegained in a week, though a man may be popular and not have moneyenough to get a shilling dinner. And truly, since I arrived here, somuch honor has been showered upon me that my shoulders are scarcebroad enough to carry it all. As for those who make up thegovernment of this great city, I have come to think they are not tobe trusted; for if my good nature would recompense them for therespect they have shown me, my common sense is not to be shut upwith gilded doors when I see men much given to strong drink andbreaking one another's heads, which it seems to me is the fashionwith these high office gentlemen. I now send you fifty dollars, which will comfort you for a time; remember, I will send you somemore when less engaged with matters concerning the public. Give eacha little, just to keep matters quiet; but be careful not to let oneof them know how much you have in the purse, or they'll all rushupon you and strip you to the last dollar. I have success at myfinger's ends, and am sure of a mission, as you will see by thenewspapers, which have said no end of good things of me. I have metwith one or two slight misfortunes, but as they are such as allgreat politicians and military men must expect to meet, I will sayno more about them. Heaven bless you and the children, is thesincere wish of your affectionate husband, "ROGER SHERMAN POTTER. 

"P. S. Excuse my brevity, dear Polly, as I am much pressed withpublic affairs. Old Battle is well, but served me a scurvy trickonly a day or two ago. "

Having sealed and despatched this letter to the post office, GeneralPotter suddenly remembered that he had not seen his faithful horsesince the accident in Broadway that had so nearly cost him his life. He therefore repaired to the stable, where a scene so trulyaffecting took place, that the grooms had great difficulty inrestraining their tears. No sooner did old Battle hear his master'svoice, than he began neighing, when his master, in return, pattedand caressed him as if he had been a child. In truth, the animal wasmuch bruised about the knees and face, and altogether presented afigure sorry enough to enlist the sympathy of any kind gentleman. "It was no fault of yours, my true, my faithful friend, " said thegeneral, patting him on the neck and fondling him. "The raggedurchins did it all, and if their parents be not careful the deviland the gallows will put a sudden end to their career. Thou hastshared my trials in many an expedition, and it is my intention thatthou share many more. " In this manner the general continued tocondole old Battle, until the grooms forgot their grief, and werewell nigh splitting their sides with laughter. Leaving his horse, the general returned to his rooms, and found a stranger awaitinghim. 

"The importance of my mission, sir, " spoke the man, who arose to hisfeet with great dignity of manner, and was evidently a man of muchcircumstance, "is the best apology I can offer for thisself-introduction-"

"I see, sir, " replied the general, "that you are a man of quality. Keep your seat, then, and accept my assurances of good faith inwhatever it may please you to offer. "

"My name, " resumed the stranger, his stately figure and frank, opencountenance, forming a curious contrast to the rotund figure of thegeneral, "is Pekleworth Glanmoregain, so well known in the world ofcommerce that I apprehend it is not the first time you have heard ofme. " The general bowed. "Your fame as a military man having come tomy knowledge, as also your ability for statesmanship, I have soughtyou out, with a view to engaging your services in carrying out agreat project I now have on hand. But what passes between us Idesire shall be kept a profound secret for the present, since eventsmature with such a rapidity at this day that it is impossible tokeep track of them. " The stranger paused and cast a scrutinizingglance at the general, who was surprised and astounded at thevagueness of his speech. Indeed, he began to have a suspicion thatthe stranger was on an errand of evil, or, perhaps, had come toengage his services in some unholy enterprise, such as poisoning anheir or giving false evidence. 

"Pray, remember, " said he, in a voice indicating great anxiety, "that if I have not much of the world's riches, I am at least anhonest man, which is saying something, as things go. I may say, too, that I set some value upon my military reputation; therefore, letwhat you have to offer be such as it will not lower my reputation toaccept. To tell you the truth, sir, I have a foreign mission in myeye, and am sure of getting it when I go to Washington, since myqualifications are not a whit behind any of them. "

"Bury your misgivings, I enjoin you, " replied the stranger, "for Iam a responsible man, and the service I require of you is highlyhonorable. I have a mighty project in view, and if it can with yourassistance be carried to a successful issue, not only will I makeyou a great general, but a rich man for the rest of your life. "

The prospect of being made a great general so elated our hero, thatas the stranger discovered his project in detail, he entered into itwith great alacrity, and would, as an earnest of his ability, havegiven him an account of all the wars he had been in, and thevictories that were gained solely by following his advice, but thatthe stranger assured him it was unnecessary, since he had alreadyseen enough proof of his being a man of valor. 

Pekleworth Glanmoregain, I must mention here, was a man who hadbecome famous in commerce, and had large possessions. But these hewas not content to enjoy, but sought to increase his wealth by meansour forefathers would have characterized with much severity. Therewas, according to Pekleworth Glanmoregain, a territory somewhere onthe Spanish main, familiarly known as the Kingdom of the Kaloramas. The Kaloramas were an inoffensive people, who had been much degradedby intestine wars, and were so low in the scale of physical andintellectual quality as to enlist in their behalf the sympathies ofthe powerful and magnanimous. But as that which is nationally weakonly serves as a prey to that which is nationally strong, so thepoor, emaciated Kaloramas had for years been a prey to the avariceof rival adventurers, who, in that spirit which arrogance alwaysasserts over ignorance, would make their king a puppet andthemselves mere vassals. And this the wily adventurers did, byprofessing great friendship for the king and his people, thensetting up a fictitious claim to a voice in the affairs of thekingdom, and finally demanding for such service, which any knave orfool might have rendered, not one, but all his islands. In truth, the Kingdom of the Kaloramas, though insignificant in its ownpolitical aspect, had furnished a grand theme for a comedy of moderndiplomatic errors, in the performance of which numerous clevergentlemen had found much innocent recreation, though not a man hadbeen found capable of solving the plot to the satisfaction of thespectators. In fine, what caused so much longing after, and so manyevil eyes to be cast upon this little kingdom of the poor Kaloramas, was the fact that it had within itself a great highway, over whichthe commerce of two oceans passed. And such were the advantages heldout by a monopoly of this highway, that each claimant stood ready tocensure the ignorance of the government that doubted his right tohigher consideration than that given to his fellow adventurer, whomhe would hang to the nearest tree with as little scruple as he wouldeat his breakfast. 

"And now, sir, " resumed Glanmoregain, "I have described the Kingdomof the Kaloramas to you, and also the immense advantages itpossesses. To be honest with you, then, I desire to gain possessionof it, which I take it will be no hard matter, provided the generalwho engages in my service be capable of outwitting his rivals. Andas each keeps a general and a poet of his own, I am resolved tooutdo the rest by having a general and two poets, which surely willsecure the success of my enterprise. "

"Truly, sir, " interposed the general, somewhat surprised at thehugeness of Glanmoregain's desires, "I hold it no man is morecapable of undertaking what you desire, for God has given me talentswhich have served me in war, and I have been careful not to abusethem in peace. Let me then have men and meat, and, if you please, afew of those gifts men so much covet, and I warrant you I make theglory all your own. Say but the word, and it will not be long beforeI have this king you speak of hung to the first tree, and myselfelected in his place. "

"You are exactly the gentleman I want, " spoke the other; "and as tomen and meat, I may mention, general, that I have numerous ships atmy command, and provisions without stint! And there are at least tenthousand vagabonds, whom, heaven knows, the city would be well ridof; and these, being officered by well starved members of the legalprofession, whose name is legion, can be got to do the fighting forthe mere love they bear such amusement. Indeed, general, I am noprophet, or the appearance of such an army would soon frighten theking out of his kingdom, which would be a blessing, seeing that itwould save so much blood. First disorganize the judiciary, thenendeavor to spread dissension among the people, (which is a thingcommon enough with the ministers we send abroad, ) and when thesethings are done the king can be easily overthrown, which will secureme the advantage I desire as well as a victory over my rivals. "

"Faith, sir, I pledge my military reputation to do all these things;and if I fail it will be no fault of mine, for my arm is strongenough to meet the enemy at his own game. And as your speech betraysyou a man of profound wisdom, I will tell you, for it will be ofgreat advantage to our cause, that I am about to engage one OrlandoTickler, a critic of great learning, who speaks several tongues, andhas no less than seven newspapers at his bidding. And what is more, he is much given to poetry, and can get up sonnets in praise of ourvictories. Think you not he can play an important part?"

"A person we much need, " said Glanmoregain, patting the general onthe shoulder; "and if he have seven newspapers at his bidding, why, if he but know how to use them in making victories of defeats, Iwill wager my life on the success of my enterprise. And if you canget that foreign mission you speak of, so much the better. Let it beto the King of the Kaloramas, and you can then use your privilegesto get such a knowledge of the weaknesses of the court as willenable you to overthrow it with the greatest facility. "

The preliminaries being arranged, the general promised to proceedstrictly according to the advice of Glanmoregain, and to lose notime in proceeding to Washington to secure his appointment. He alsopromised to keep his own counsel; and to prove their good faith, they sat down to a bottle of old port, which, when they hadfinished, Glanmoregain took his departure, promising to call on thefollowing day, and left the general to pack up his baggage, preparatory to taking his departure. 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

IN WHICH GENERAL POTTER FINALLY SECURES THE SERVICES OF MR. TICKLER;AND, TOGETHER WITH PEKLEWORTH GLANMOREGAIN, THEY VISIT THE OPERABEFORE SETTING OUT FOR WASHINGTON. 

GLANMOREGAIN went home thinking within himself that the general was, mentally, not quite up to what he had expected to find him. However, as generals were not always to be judged either by their epistles orconversation, so the rotund figure, he thought, might prove himselfa dabster in war as well as politics. Further, he did not so muchwant a general who would have his own way in every thing, (for thenthere was danger of his holding what he got, under the rules ofwar, ) but rather one whom he could mould and direct according to hisdesires. In fine, the man, he thought, might reflect the follies ofa fool, and in the quality of wars he intended to prosecute, beexactly the general he wanted. The general, on the other hand, commenced setting himself down as the most fortunate military man ofhis day. Indeed, all the pedantry of his extravagant nature wasexcited to a degree that made him already begin to contemplatehimself the hero of endless victories. He also cast a stray thoughtto old Battle, and fancied himself mounted upon him at the head of avictorious army, returning proudly home after having demolishedseveral kingdoms and built up as many republics. He also lost notime in writing a second letter to his wife Polly, in which he setforth, with much flourish, that he had been so elevated in theopinion of the nation, that now he was offered the command of anarmy; which he had accepted, and was about to invade the kingdom ofa foreign prince. And this letter he sealed and dispatched with allpossible speed, hoping in his heart that it might reach his wifePolly in advance of the other. 

When this was done, Mr. Tickler entered, and, after passing theusual compliments, proceeded, without further ceremony, to write anote to the landlord of the New York Hotel, returning thanks for hisextreme generosity. But not a word was said about the three dollars. Mr. Tickler declared it would not do to lisp a word concerning it, as such would be in direct violation of the rules of etiquettecommon at this day. Having despatched the note, the general setabout relating what had taken place between himself andGlanmoregain, and expressing himself delighted at the opportunity ofso soon displaying his prowess in war. "Faith!" exclaimed Mr. Tickler, "every merchant will soon get him a general of his own. Bythe love of my mother! now it's just struck me: perhaps I can get asmall advance on the strength of my future services? for I am inarrears with my landlady, whose look of melancholy so admonishes meevery time I enter the house, that I have for more than a week takenadvantage of the back door. " The general shrugged his shoulders, declared the will good enough to render the desired relief, but thatthe means were wanting. To be out-spoken, he hinted to Mr. Ticklerthat, in the event of joining his service, it must be upon thecondition that he depend on the fortunes of war for his reward. Asto the hostess, he declared that he had not a doubt of her being avery excellent lady, as hostesses ought to be. Still, he gave it ashis opinion, that it were much better political economy to leave thepoor woman's house with a small bill unpaid, than eat himself into alarge one. He further suggested that when the time came, he pack upand leave as quietly as possible, neither looking to the right northe left, but getting out of the city by the most direct route; andwhen a respectful distance was reached, just to drop her a friendlyline, saying he could not find it compatible with his conscience tolonger eat her bread without paying for it, but as soon as fortuneput the means in his way, he would lose no time in rubbing out thescore. 

"Love of my mother!" again ejaculated Tickler, "but your asteticsare well enough. And I like the logic that closes the door on asmall debt, rather than bury a friend with a big one. See that, now, master general!"

The preliminaries whereby the adroit critic was to follow thefortunes of his master, were now arranged, and the agreement signed. Tickler was to be faithful and obedient to his master, rendering himsuch services as the change of events might demand, being contentwith rations and clothing until the fortunes of war turned upsomething better. 

When night was come, Glanmoregain again made his appearance, havingpreviously extended an invitation, to escort the general to theopera. And as Tickler was about to perform so important a part inhis project, he could do no less than invite him also. Vain of theimportance he imagined himself possessing in the eyes of the public, the general was with some difficulty restrained from mounting hisuniform, which he held necessary, lest he be confounded with someordinary individual without claim to popular favor. Having persuadedhim to forego this unnecessary display, the three sallied outtogether, and soon arrived at what is curiously called the Academyof Music, a building which several friends of the writer of thishistory, and who are gentlemen of acknowledged taste, declare to beunexcelled for splendor and beauty of architecture, not evenexcepting the La Scala, St. Carlo, Covent Garden, or even the Tacon. With all deference for the opinions of my accomplished friends, Imust confess that the exterior of the building struck me as a huge, square mass of brick much disfigured with awkward looking windowsand common place lintels. Indeed, it might easily have been mistakenfor a charity hospital; and in the absence of a front, discoveringthe slightest architectural grandeur, bore no small resemblance toan absurdly constructed barracks. 

Entering what in a church would be designated a vestibule, but whichhere served as a convenient place for loitering gentlemen whospeculate in tickets, and the only visible furniture of which hadbeen reformed down to a cheap chandelier, they passed on through anarrow baize door, flanked on one side by an oily ticket taker, andon the other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, whomthe manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a capriciouspublic, seemed to have placed there for the ostensible purpose ofstaring in the faces of ladies, and so circumscribing the width ofthe passage as to render it exceedingly difficult of ingress. Theypassed on into the "dress circle, " where the seats were peculiarlyadapted for making the back ache, and soon found that they had gotbehind a huge column, (of which there were many similar ones, ) whereno human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, though theunfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. As to theinterior of the house, it forcibly reminded me of an immense gypsumquarry, with rudely excavated galleries, forming such a jumble andconfusion of lines, that it was in vain you looked for anarchitectural beauty. Indeed, I venture to assert, that such a hugeconglomerate of plaster and cheap gilt never before decorated oneedifice, and that dedicated to high art. And if the uncouth images, with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, which met theeye at every turn, were to be accepted in proof of the high standardof taste at which we had arrived, then surely plaster and gilt oughtto form the motto. Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore up thesecond tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from thecircle borders; grim visaged figures, in plaster, looked tauntinglyat you from the proscenium; a troop of impolite figures, in plaster, beset you in flank and rear, and haunted you at every turn, asplaster figures had evidently haunted the imagination of thearchitect. In fine, every deficiency seemed compensated with animage in plaster, or, what was worse, one of those fashionablesociety men who sit in dumb show, listening to the melody, withoutenjoying the sense or knowing a word of what is being sung. 

A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my friend, MissKate Suppletongue, who declared to me that though she had been twiceto London and Paris, she had seen nothing equal to the Academy forgrandeur. Tom Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, saidneither the St. Carlos nor the Covent Garden could compare with itfor beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, whose verdict thewhole avenue accepted in matters of taste. My disappointment thenwas only equaled by the height to which my expectations had beenraised by these excellent authorities. But what grieved me most, forI am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evidently beencommitted on these females in plaster forming an advance guard tothe d. C. S circle, and obstructing the view while affecting tosupport the upper boxes. I am told that the directors andstockholders are men of large humanity, whose only vanity lies infancying themselves liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable ingentlemen much given to commerce. I beseech them, then, as they arechristian gentlemen, to look to the distressed condition of thesefemales, some of whom have lost their noses, others their fingersand toes, while still others have had curious antics performed withtheir bosoms, which would seem to afford no little diversion tocertain females of easy virtue, who, together with the empty seatsof the stockholders, are firm fixtures of the dress circle. My pitywas indeed excited at beholding the large aperture made by somestrange accident in the abdomen of one of these plaster females, andwhich aperture a thoughtless young gentleman made a convenient placefor depositing his hat and cane, much to the amusement of those inthe vicinity. 

As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia)proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style ofsinging, began to think it a mere tilt of voices between thesingers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it;and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, for those who have books I take it cannot find the places. " Mr. Tickler, who affected to have the whole opera at his fingers' ends, began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served to leave the matter more confused in thegeneral's mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why theyshould scream their troubles in a language not one word of whichnineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand. 

"Faith of my father, sir, " he continued, "but if the fleshy manwould only stop his screaming, and set to sing 'Auld Lang Syne, ' orsomething of that sort, it would be much more to my liking. To yourfashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and letthem who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (andI see you are much given to this sort of singing, ) I can make nomore of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and who yousay is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom several damsels havebecome enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the basso, intelling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not awhit about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loudconversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proofof their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the stagehave it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, Ihave no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice isbetter shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement ofthe young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tellyou I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she wouldaccept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square herexample for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven whenDeath knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty thatit would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skinsat our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed lestthey fall into the snare you describe as being set for the squareshouldered damsels you call the atrato. " "Contralto!" interruptedMr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is onlyin a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to theopera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to mattersconcerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on thestage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would notbecome me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strengthof our understanding by getting quietly away. " During this colloquybetween the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quietlistener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocenceof the man he was about to entrust with the important office ofoverthrowing a kingdom. And although he would have remained to theend of the opera, which, so far as the principals were concerned, was really being performed in a very creditable manner, heaccompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, wherethey, having made such arrangements for the journey as will berecorded in the following chapter, parted for the night. 

CHAPTER XL. 

GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THENO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS. 

THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows wereup; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous thathe commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without atfirst being able to comprehend the process that had found him thusinvolved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers haddischarged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his beingthe guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as winesand suppers, ) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make itquite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollarshad he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunningfellows took very good care never to honor a guest without makinghim pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he wasnone of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays theirdebts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air ofwealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he hadpreviously entertained no few fears of his bill. ) Beside, circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle untilhis return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which wasto him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disorderedas his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard inevery emergency. 

And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over theeastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could notclearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise. 

"Faith, sir, " he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for itseemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditorswere at my heels. "

"Pray, sir, be not so nervous, " replied the general, "for yourlife's your own. "

"That may be all true, " rejoined the critic; "but let us leave theargument until we have got safe out of the city, for my consciencetells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of hisheels. "

The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, andwithout stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, tooktheir departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler lookingback, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors. And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Ticklerturned to the general, saying:

"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this littlematter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, andknow that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we shouldget shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is onecelebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts, ) whatwould be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many ofthem are as good critics as can be found!"

"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for yourfriends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment. Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, andsettle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, Ihold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offsetit to-morrow. "

They now continued their journey, and without serious accident orhinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, andproceeded directly to "Willard's Hotel, " that being not only themost fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politiciansand military men of quality registered their names, though the hostwas neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of hisservants, nor the excellence of his table. 

"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major RogerPotter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in thenewspapers, " spoke the general, addressing a tall, darkcomplexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person thanthe landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount ofbaggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers hadmore than once assumed the title of general, ) for it was notconsidered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, thelandlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference:

"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is notquite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter formen of our profession to distinguish between generals. " The landlordsmiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him, as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with theshape of his turnip head. 

"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don'tfind in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me onmy journey here, " ejaculated the general, not a little crest-fallenthat the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who hadmade himself so famous in politics. 

In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits nota little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he hadnever in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary sofashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse, which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved anexcellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew nobounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in hissecond story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready tovouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general's questions, which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names inhis register, which service the general said he would leave to hissecretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, norforgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them superiorattentions. 

And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerousfashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about thegeneral, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity andsuspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not alittle on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying hecould not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drumbeat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied aman could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; whilestill others declared he would pass readily for a fool, if, indeed, he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had aninfinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected toregard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid ofall such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries. 

But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not lessinfluential class of men, who took a very different view of thegeneral, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought byvarious impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit, which they professed to have the power to advance. And these menwere lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at allsorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they representedas a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it onlyrequired a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it. Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was thecheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project beforeCongress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as theturning of a mill wheel. " Indeed if their declarations were worthyof reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as formembers of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistlesto secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never beenset down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemencorrespondents would have you believe, they had the nation andCongress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear ofcontradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were notready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the triflethat made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that theywould not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forthand bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting adozen dishonest schemes. 

The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatchessetting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary hadarrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. One more daring than therest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported indiplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an importantmission as his reward for the great services he had rendered thedemocratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which theyfancied was as deeply interested as themselves, ) that General RogerPotter's visit to Washington was connected with as many as fortydifferent things, they came to the very convenient conclusion thathe was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinaryservices rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living oneshe had none, ) during the war of 1812, such being very common at thisday. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congressthan the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw wouldswear by his ability to get all fictitious ones through. This wasthe result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes thedistinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant towaste time over. 

The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had noclaim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truthof what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused tobe convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions tohim, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and"rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent. 

It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteemshimself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent, "whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was thegeneral warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to haveanything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though theygave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and coulddouble it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded byevery member honest enough not to crook his palm more than onceduring the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion. 

The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip atrifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end thattheir praise could do no harm, and might do much good. 

Now there was living in Washington about this time, one BenStretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no lessthan five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which hemanufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility thatwould have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcherknew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knewStretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with thevery harmless and common inclination of plucking the government, Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure tofind out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked. Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having acountenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Benwas sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every newcomer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government, which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket ofapples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however, equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. ThePresident never acted on important state affairs without firstconsulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only theintimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he hadthem all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequentlyto rectify their blunders, ) that no foreign appointment could bemade without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed toassert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy thanto double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob ofoffice givers, put them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben'sgreatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in thefacility with which he gave to the country matters of graveimportance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings inprospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorryfigure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of makingstate secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerousenterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frightenthe country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer, revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England wasinevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he willto-morrow assert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "adisturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between thiscountry and Great Britain. " And these wonderful prophecies, togetherwith extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, accordingto the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, werethe journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling"news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was, nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, in a third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had beenverified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off thetruth as the poles are from the equator. 

In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguisheda general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important businesswith Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben tookthe earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but findingonly Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in acolloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER XLI. 

IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEENSTRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THESTATE OF THE NATION. 

MR. STRETCHER entered the general's room with his head canted towardhis left shoulder, his countenance wearing an air of great wisdom, his hat in his left hand, and the fingers of his right to his beard. "I take the liberty of introducing myself, sir, " he spoke, and bowedwith becoming courtesy. "Ben Stretcher, that is my name, which, perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so well known inWashington. "

"Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, God knows; andit'll not be sayin' much to tell you that my own name is OrlandoTickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom Itake it you have heard mention. "

"Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one sodistinguished. As for the name, a household word was never morefamiliar to me. " They now shook each other warmly by the hand, andafter exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced toconverse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs ofthe Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders, and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply wheneverthe nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr. Tickler, "And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service topersons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) topay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he iscome to Washington in search of an important mission. It gives meinfinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary. Now I wouldsuggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for Iam a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can makethe Administration do my bidding. "

"Faith, " ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, "I am glad enough tohear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services toget the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have muchcause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master, except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to seethat he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave. "

"You astonish me!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully. 

"Faith of my father, " resumed Tickler, folding his arms, "I seenothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set upfor a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave tothrow in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breechespockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of hispranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister. "Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman ofthe five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember thatthese remarks were made in confidence. 

"I confess, Mr. Tickler, " replied Mr. Stretcher, "I admire yourplain manner of speech. But you surprise and astonish me with whatyou say of the soundness of the general's understanding. In truth, sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors inmaking famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by thegeneral and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for aprofound scholar, and no small statesman. However, this I will say, and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be noscholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, itwill rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreignmission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake me, sir; for Iwould not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose toogreat goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; buthe has a passion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, ofwhich history affords no example!"

"Faith of my father! if that be the case, then my master will get asfat a slice as any of them, " rejoined Tickler, rising from his seatwith regained spirits, and grasping the other warmly by the hand. "And now, seeing that we fellow kindred professions, we will be freein our advances, and settle this matter over a punch. " Mr. Ticklerrang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered two stoutpunches. Having exchanged compliments, and commenced sipping attheir straws, Mr. Tickler touched the man of the newspapersconfidentially on the arm, and whispered in his ear, that not havinga dollar to his pocket, he began to think General Roger Potter, ashe was called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool'serrand. "Honestly, friend, " he continued, "I was when you enteredthinking how best to escape the landlord, for I see he is a sharpfellow; and this paying two dollars and three quarters a day is athing not so easily done with an empty pocket. "

"A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. Tickler; and thoughthe wits of the landlord are sharp enough, it is no rare thing forhim to get shorn by those who seek meat-offerings of thegovernment. "

Here Tickler's mind seemed to run back to a subject upon which itwas wont to dwell-the style of his dress. And, throwing himself backin his chair, he raised his right foot upon his left knee, andinquired of Mr. Stretcher how he liked the style of his boots, whichwere of the brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, itwas with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in fear ofhaving to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher expressed himselfdelighted. In truth, he was not long in discerning the critic'slittle weaknesses; and to the end of flattering them, told him thathe was in every particular of dress, the most stylish gentleman ithad been his good fortune to meet for many a day. And this sopleased Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, butthat the adept declared it was a custom with him never to drink morethan one, not even with his oldest friends. 

And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, he was somewhatdisappointed at the developments made by the critic concerning hismaster. As for the secretary, he set him down in his heart as notonly a curious specimen of pedantry, but the most fashionable poorgentleman he had ever seen in search of office; and heaven knows hehad seen enough of them. 

"It is said of the general, " spoke Stretcher, laconically, as he setdown his glass and commenced to stroke his beard, "that he has meansenough at his command!"

"Upon my faith I know but little of his means, except that I haveseen him with a purse full of gold, which is saying something forhis means. And he pays readily enough for all he gets, which ismore. "

Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence, thatStretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of anxiety, and wasproceeding to make further inquiries, when the door opened andGeneral Roger Potter stalked in, quite out of breath from the excessof heat. Mr. Tickler having drained his punch to the bottom, proceeded without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher, undertaking at the same time to give the general an account of hisbusiness, as also the wonderful influence he had over the variousheads of departments. The general expressed great delight at meetingso influential a gentleman; and seeing that he had the governmentbetween his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage hisservices. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretcher expressedgreat delight at meeting so distinguished a General. "It wouldneither become me, nor the profession to which I belong to speak ofmyself; for though I have gained fame enough in politics, mymilitary reputation stands so high with the nation that no man cantake it down, " spoke the general. 

"For that matter you speak true enough, Sir, " replied Mr. Stretcher, smiling and bowing blandly; "and, as I was just saying to yoursecretary, you have served the party like a patriot, and deservewell of the government. If it is an office you seek, why, you haveonly to name it, and I warrant it shall be safe in your pocket inforty-eight hours. "

"Since you are capable of such extraordinary achievements, upon mysoul, sir, you are just the man for my business. "

"I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that heever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that hecannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say ofBen Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knowshis thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many aman has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not onehas yet been found to raise his finger against my honor; and if youengage my services, I warrant to give you proof enough of myqualifications. "

The general listened attentively to the adept's remarks, and after ashort pause, spoke and said, "And now, sir, seeing that you havesufficient endowments for my business, before proceeding further inthis matter we will have a punch; for that will soften the heart, and at the same time give such light to the mind, as will enable usto talk the matter over pleasantly. "

After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having declined asecond punch with him, he then made his compliments to the general, saying that as the occasion was a rare one he would make anexception to what was otherwise a firmly established principle withhim. 

"Faith, " interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch suggested, "you both talk like men of the world and scholars; for a punch is amighty potent in matters of this kind. "

The punches were up in a trice; and while Mr. Stretcher and thegeneral debated their affairs over them, Mr. Tickler quietly sippedhis in the corner. 

"To be honest with you, " spoke the general, addressing Mr. Stretcher, "I am come here in the hope of getting a reward for myservices, which is no uncommon thing; and as I take it there aremany worse men than me serving the country, I flatter myself I standa fair chance, seeing that my expectations are neither extravagantnor unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think more of hiscountry and less of his pocket; and to that end it will content meto be sent a commissioner to the King of the Kaloramas, though itwould be natural enough not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleries. As for the secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch;and though they are willing enough to say good things of me, and toextol my political achievements, they say pleasantly enough that thecommonwealth could not do without me, and, therefore, that I muststay quietly at home. In short, they tell me that only such talentas is worthless at home can be spared to go abroad. The president Ifound a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my wishes, and togive me at least six of the seven missions in his gift. In truth, Ifound him a person ready to please in various ways, and take it thathe has a liking for adorers, such as have little scruple inlavishing praise upon his well regulated government, the solidity ofwhich, it is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher thanany of his predecessors. "

"You have it, exactly!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher. "He is possessedof wonderful faith; and if you want a favor of him you have only toply him with such toys and trinkets as you have named to secure it. If, however, (and I take what you say for truth, ) you are patientenough to be content with a commissionship to the King of theKaloramas, there will be no more trouble about the matter than themaking of a bird cage. "

"Ah, sir! but how am I to reward you for your services? for a man isnot expected to be a philanthropist in these matters, and my wifePolly Potter always said it was cheaper that a man pays for what hegets, " returned the general. The adept charged the general to givehimself no concern about that little matter, but merely to set itdown for an after consideration. And to this they both agreed, andemptied their punches in the full belief that they wereall-bountiful in the power of constructing commonwealths andmanaging governments. "Faith, it is just come to my mind that thepresident good-naturedly advised me to forthwith transmit myapplication in writing to the State Department, " spoke the general, as if just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretchersaid nothing was more essential, and as much depended on the styleand wording of the application (at which he had experienced enough), he enjoined the general to delay this matter until the followingmorning, when he would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher thentook his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece of greatvalue. And now as the limits of my chapter are exhausted, I must begthe reader to turn to the next for what took place on the followingmorning. 

CHAPTER XLII. 

WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE APPLICATION MADE BYGENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TOTHE KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST METHOD OF GETTINGRID OF HIM. 

STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where heextolled the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language thatwould have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busiedhimself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general'sapplication for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nationof savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I maymention here that the only benefit the government expected to derivefrom going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kaloramawas that the savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King, might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trickcould be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with thegreatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep hispeace. With a ponderous document, then, covering some forty pages offoolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political resultsachieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to thehigh consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not alittle vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered thegeneral's room early on the following morning, and found him inconsultation with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to theSecretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:-"Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARYOF STATE:

"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, who has given me no few assurances of his inclination to serve me, that it was to you all those in search of rewards for theirendeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set medown for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my applicationfor the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but atrifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the manwho is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he mayget of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you knowenough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man tobetray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of yourministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency wouldknow all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am setdown for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any ofthem. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue ofscheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it isas well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is notadapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I amready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico)neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duelsfor what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut upsuch queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall bewondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enoughwith our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts ofwickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say becauseI have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to thisday is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well tothis savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peacebetween us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and puthimself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of hisIslands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity ofyour nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I prayyour excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a raretalent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba bythe beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds meof the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as tothat, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destinyowes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours. 

"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfillhis promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And herelet me mention that it is reported of the administration that it hasa passion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such othershabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it maydamage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that General RogerPotter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry andold uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabbygentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for thatmatter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to beequal. 

"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to statethat I have no language at my tongue's end but my own; and, intruth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage kingwill be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for ifhe had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the threelearned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil would get hiskingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speakhis own tongue, you may fancy the solitude that must yawn betweenus. We may say what we please of one another without rendering ouractions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me wemay entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other withoutdanger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it willbe convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues. 

"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough, pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous inthe matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration;and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon withas many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency's Humble Servant, "GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER. "

"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as thegeneral read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left theperfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not todispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question yourabilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knockthe fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find adocument in every way suited to the purpose. " Mr. Stretcher hereproduced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the generalwas carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievementsset down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied theskill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay andWebster. The general seemed a little chary of this big document, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said, "By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they shouldhave had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I haveheard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I willsmoke my cigar and leave the rest to you. "

"As for your Latin, friend Tickler, " replied the general, affectingto read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in greatanxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for itoccurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel. "This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held hispeace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir, " resumed thegeneral, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilousadventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Departmentwhen business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, thesecretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he willthink no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr. Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue, surely two cannot fail to effect our object. "

"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respectnot my reputation, " replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into apassion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as tosay he verily believed the general a trifling simpleton, who wasresolved on making an ass of himself in the eyes of theadministration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay forhis services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who wasscrupulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding, that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to havesummary vengeance of the man who dared to cast such reflections uponhis dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, thegeneral saying it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces. And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword in thedoor, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, thatunless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, besettled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law. 

CHAPTER XLIII. 

WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TONEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS. 

SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before thecabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a missiona man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must beconfessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion;indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture ofsense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselvesin pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of goodsense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to beharmless in his associations with the people to whom he might beaccredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of theearth, he had sense enough for the small service that would berequired of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could performsome excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to getinto mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also wouldthere be peace between nations, the representatives of which wouldnot understand each other. Another agreed that it were strangeindeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of NewYork, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered suchimportant services to his party should apply for a mission soobscure. But on further consideration this was set down to hiscredit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagantin some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in hisdemands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those perseveringgentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with hisimportunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him wouldbe to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed togrant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to preparehis instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials. 

A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famousfor getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no smallsurprise of the nation, the important intelligence that GeneralRoger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the Kingof the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set manygentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find outthe exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divinewhat benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government toderive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so manyintricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mindto keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were awild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of atropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrorsmust have the courage of a dragon. But none of these triflesdisturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded thisappointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also hadthe good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but tofollow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took amore comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matterand its future results. 

The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general'sprayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning hespoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments, ) beappointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval ofthe Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinaryvalue to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who nowand then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his littlesanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between histhumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set anextravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor thatwould be conferred upon it in having so great a general to representit abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could makethe most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where healready began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomaticexploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do. 

And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon hisshoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chairbeside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shallknow more of me when you have been longer in my service. I havealready made you a great man; for as you know by this time, theoffice of Secretary to my legation is great enough in allconscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have aturn that way, get rid of it before another moon. "

"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was contentenough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought ofbeing a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we aresent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"

"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take ithe is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields toall the demands I shall make of him. "

"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though Ihave knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my backto no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for theseknives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two betweenthem and a man's life. "

"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivateyour courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew afresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man wouldlive in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courageenough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. Youshall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And nowthat we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soonsee that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any ofthem, if the clergy but let him alone. "

"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I liketo feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now, " rejoinedthe critic, casting an anxious look at his chief. 

"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold thatevery malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak illof you. "

Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he hadso many times built of air, and declared that in addition to nothaving enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught thelandlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in histhoughts. 

"Remember, friend, " resumed the general, "the law will not let himhang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there willbe no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did thewidow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himselfwith his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you befirm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, andalways standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make hisenemies dance. "

"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have meshell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, andI'd be set down for a great rogue. "

"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper. And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let yourinclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellowout of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualitiesfor a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion atthis day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt, and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse isgetting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do youpack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down theavenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; andwhen you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him youare seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heavenfor the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials. Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join youin Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all ourefforts, and this is no time to trifle. "

Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then heremembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallantIrish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought, it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinionnone could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he wasnow Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several ofhis illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding therecould be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord'sconcern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, thegeneral had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been acritic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet somedamsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to livefashionably for at least a week. 

"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I thinknone the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I willraise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you havebeen waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) bythose murdering villains who infest the city; that the governmenthad better bestir itself in the matter. " Thus spoke the general; andsoon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler, consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceededforthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore. 

Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a greatstir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerningwhich the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up atleast a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clearup the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company withGeneral Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that hesaw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still anotherwould have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in thecompany of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; andthat both were entering a house of suspicious character, on theisland, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made togive an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was, he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated hisdiplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought, however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matterscaused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right. 

When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, anddemanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amountdue from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was nolaw by which the host could compel payment, and the general declaredhe was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheerpoliteness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore nofew oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how heentertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this thegeneral remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, tookhis departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutelywatching his movements, following the carriage and importuning forthe amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But thegeneral only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it wasagreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an afterconsideration. "

CHAPTER XLIV. 

WHICH TREATS OF A GRIEVOUS DISAPPOINTMENT, AS WELL AS MANY THINGS OFGREAT INTEREST THAT TOOK PLACE ON THE GENERAL'S RETURN TO NEW YORK. 

IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaventhat he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion withgentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turnupon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere formercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valiseand straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would notdo for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabbyhotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, heslyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he wouldenter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, MinisterPlenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas. " And this deliciousbit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with greatdifficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then thestubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one hemet, waddled up and down the hall, looking in curiously at everyopen door, and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had seenbefore. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, heapproached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for hissecretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointmentno one at that house had heard aught of such a person. 

The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts ofthings evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served toincrease his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had onlyintended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a veryserious affair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him outof the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he hadbeen at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was abare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nationrequired their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in morethan one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantrycommon to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might havefallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than thedemands of the nation. But as he had reposed great trust in hissecretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banishthese suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did ingreat tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining sometidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But thesearch proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still morepuzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went tobed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderfulexploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lamentthe loss of his secretary. 

When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding by theearly train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away asspeedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city andhe be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might puthim to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; forthough he boasted that he had a profound way of his own foreffecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing. 

While then the train swept onward toward Philadelphia, variousreflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself:"Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixedwages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man tocomprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, hemight have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business. "Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was notquite up to the mark, he might have decided to try the virtue of hisheels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy onthe field of battle. But all these speculations proved merehauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House inPhiladelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. And Mrs. Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a coupleof days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughingin his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it inbooks, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these littlegallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is anexcellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary asany of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed ofthe rare faculty of giving his head to the nation, and his heart toas many damsels as may have a liking for it. "

Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York, the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there, and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern, arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight ofevery guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but notidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there, and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Evenhis pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a greatfavorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been givenof him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase himoutright, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum. And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send threemissionaries to Africa, the general said that the affection he borethe animal was such that he could not think of parting with him. Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to haveremained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed withresponsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding greatthings of him on one side, the Administration urged him to preparefor Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler moreoverwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished politicalfriends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which theydescribed as sure to result in important advantages to the nation. Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve ofhis departure-a custom which had become so common at this day thatno distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. Butthis the general serenely declined, giving as a reason that he hadheard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up thesebanquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had aslight recollection of what it cost him for the homage of the cityfathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot forthe future. 

Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly, comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, andgave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make herdoubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now thewife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means ofsending their son to the academy and their daughters to boardingschool, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine asany of your ladies. But the good woman was affected to tears when hetold her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, andonly consented to his departure for that distant dominion out ofrespect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefitof her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstablewere at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, andwere inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish fellows inWashington, who were intent on testing the quality of the governmentfor giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in fullforce, and without the slightest respect for the great change in hisfortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that speciesof ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by. 

Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapersfrequently foretold the exact day the general would sail for thescene of his labors, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought tobe mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviewswith Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different fromthose entertained by the government. For while the latter hadfurnished instructions to the general, strictly enjoining him tocultivate a good understanding with this savage king, and to impressupon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully alldisputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a coursediametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command tooverthrow a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promisedto deal out without stint in the employment of such vagabonds as aremore fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed thegeneral to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers werein the country; what love they bore one another; whether they wererenegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and howbest they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge wasthoroughly acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions, being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he couldonly get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easyenough, why, the prospect would be prodigious. Every thing must betaken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and hecould get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitiousleader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him thewink, and invite him to become the champion of the strongestfaction; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanityand the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with hissword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatchup the diadem and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explainedhis various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloudand mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate withinhimself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whoseinterests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. MinisterPotter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and althoughsomething of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry outGlanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faithas he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity. "Upon mymilitary reputation, sir, " said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to hima packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long toget things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen moresuch kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in lesstime than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir, as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not menwho have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals. "

And when the merchant and his general had got all these littlegovernment matters so nicely compounded that they began to feelwhole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departureand left the latter to himself. There were now only three daysremaining before the general's departure; and as the government hadvessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it was orderedthat one be detached to convey the general to his place ofdestination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to geta secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the dutiesof his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had beenfoully murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave sostrange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turnto the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded. 

CHAPTER XLV. 

OF THE MEETING BETWEEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY, WHO RELATES ANAFFAIR OF GALLANTRY THAT HAD WELL-NIGH COST HIM HIS LIFE; ALSO, OFTHE DEPARTURE FOR KALORAMA. 

"TICKLER! my faithful secretary, the friend and companion of myfuture fortunes!" exclaimed the general, embracing the tremblingTickler as he entered the room somewhat timidly. And after shakinghim warmly by the hand he ordered two punches, over which hepromised to give him an account of the anxiety he had suffered athis absence, and which might have proved a serious affair to thenation. 

"By my honor, general, " replied Tickler, fingering his beard, andlooking somewhat confused, "your kindness is as unexpected as I knowit is sincere. And if you say the punches, it is as you say. It isto ask your forgiveness I came, and here you offer me proofs that Ihave not even incurred your displeasure. "

"Mercy and courtesy, friend Tickler, belong to our profession, "interrupted the general, elongating his body, placing his thumbs inthe arm-holes of his waistcoat, and striding twice or thrice acrossthe room. "I feared you were dead, friend Tickler. And it might looksuspicious, " he resumed. "But you are alive, and I am glad enough ofit. " The punches now smoked upon the table; and as the general drewup his chair beside the secretary, that functionary began to relatethe cause of his absence. "I got safe into Baltimore, you see, andhaving no more fears of the finger-taps of sheriffs, was quietlywending my way for the Gilmore House, and had reached a fine oldmansion that stood a little from the street, when my attention wasattracted by a voice singing so sweetly that I became like onetransfixed, for the strains seemed melting my very heart. And youknow, general, that it's no hard matter to melt the heart of anIrish gentleman. The voice sounded like one I had heard before, andI paused, and listened, and wondered whose it could be, and suddenlyit ceased. I turned to gaze in the direction from whence the musiccame, and there saw, through an open window, a girl of suchexquisite beauty that I felt like getting upon my knees andworshipping her as the idol of love. During the pause she sat at apiano motioning her fan, and with so much grace and delicacy thateven a Castilian could not have excelled it. Her complexion was likealabaster, her features of Grecian cast, and as regular as if theyhad been chiseled. And these charms were made more bewitching by theluxuriant tresses of black hair that hung carelessly down upon herbroad, white shoulders. The thought that I had seen her beforealmost crazed me. Then suddenly her delicate fingers tripped overthe keys of the piano, and she struck up a song, the words of whichI have not now at my tongue's end, but which I remember said a dealabout hope, anguish, and hearts that were true. Something also wassaid about the cold marble, and withered hopes. I may say, sir, thatit bore a strong resemblance to songs I have heard sung by lovers inmy own country, -"

"Pray proceed with what came of the lady, " interrupted the general, impatiently. 

"Why, sir, she sang this song so sweetly that the very air seemedfilled with melody, and I fancied myself either in Limerick orParadise. After gazing in admiration of her for several minutes, sheturned her eyes toward me; and as she did so, 'Heavens!' says I, 'there's Linda Mortimor!' And if you would know who this LindaMortimor is, listen and I will tell you. Her father was a merchantof New York, of princely fortune and good ancestry. And thisfortune, together with his pride, he was resolved never to let getbeyond the narrow limits of a circle of distant but equallyfortunate relatives. But Linda, who was just budding into herseventeenth summer, let her affections fall upon an opera singer, atenor of the name of Leon Benoni, who had some fame in hisprofession, and was likewise a man of good morals, which is rarewith such gentlemen. I had known Leon for many years, and between usthere existed a strong friendship. And as he returned Linda'saffections with a love so impassioned that he swore death only couldseparate them, I promised to render him such service as he mightneed in an emergency. The possession of a girl so pure, so tender inyears, and yet so beautiful, was a prize Leon would have braveddeath to gain. "

The general, more impatient than ever, again interrupted byenjoining Mr. Tickler to stick to Linda, and omit what Leon said. 

"When you have two lovers in a story, " returned the critic, "youcannot well get along with what one said: you must fetch them alongtogether. "

"That may be your New York fashion, " interpolated the general; "butI know one Joe Doane, of Barnstable, who had a whole year of lovestories in his head, and got along well enough with one lover to astory. "

These remarks somewhat displeased the secretary, who gave vent tohis feelings in certain upward turns of his short nose. In truth, hewas well-nigh ending the love story on the spot; for he cursed inhis heart the stupidity of a gentleman of such shallow tastes thathe would only have one lover in so good a story. But he bethoughthimself that now they were both high officials, he must show properdeference to his superior. "If you would have love stories, " pursuedthe critic, with an air of regained pride, "pray take them in theirnatural state, and not as they are made by popular novelists, whoget all sorts of murders into them. As to this young couple, seeingthat Heaven (which forms destinies, ) had ordered their love to runone way, I arranged their interviews, and so managed the exchange oftheir communications that they had pledged their affections ineternal constancy for months before the affair reached the ears ofLinda's parents. And when it did, a great excitement was got upagainst Leon, who was charged with various crimes against thedignity of the family; indeed, so far was their indignation carriedthat several ambitious members of the family threatened him with nofew ounces of cold lead. Opera singing was, at best, they said, buta shabby occupation, followed only by such trifling foreigners ashad nothing else to do, and were wisely kept outside the pale ofsociety. 

"Leon then was cruelly separated from Linda, whose hard-heartedparents had her locked up in her chamber, where she remained sevenmonths writing her grief in verses of such rare sentiment and purityof style that I doubt if Byron has anything to excel them. Butfinding that her love for Leon was incurable, and that theconfinement was producing insanity of mind, her father thought toaffect a remedy by offering Leon ten thousand dollars to quit thecountry. This he spurned, bidding the father give his money to himwho measured the soul of man by its value. 

"Linda's only companion during the confinement, was a pet canary, which she had trained to convey messages across the street, and intothe window of a chamber occupied by one Minnie Rush, a companion andschoolmate, and one to whom she could intrust the secrets of herheart with explicit confidence. Through this medium then shediscovered the place of her confinement to Leon, for whom I arrangeda plan of scaling her prison and carrying her away. And this plan weundertook to execute of a dark night in November, when a peltingstorm drenched the earth with rain, and the wind howled, and all theadverse elements seemed to have combined to complete the fury of thetempest. Linda was prepared, and paced her room with curious hopesand anticipations swelling her heart, and even filling her eyes withtears. When the clock struck twelve, we had, by dint of greatexertion, got the ladder to Linda's window in the third story. Andas Leon commenced ascending, Linda slowly opened the window. Fiercerand fiercer their throbbing hearts began beating; each second seemedan hour; and although the storm howled piteously, anxiety had sosharpened their senses that they distinctly heard the slightestmovement. Quickening his pace as he advanced, and thinking only ofthe prize he would rescue from its prison, he was well nigh the topof the ladder. Another minute and the two lovers would have beenclasped in each other's arms. Not a thought would have been wastedon the hard-hearted father; Leon would have borne the darling ofhis heart away in triumph! But lo! a crash was heard; the ladderyielded to the gale, and Leon, who was a man of much weight andcircumference, fell to the ground with a broken leg. 'A prettypickle you'r in now, Orlando Tickler, ' says I to myself. But to makethe matter worse, the ladder fell also, and so great was the noisethat the father of Linda and two friends rushed out of the house intheir night clothes, and with pistols in their hands. Seeing thecause of the disturbance, they at once gave chase after me; andthough I would have stood by Leon until death separated us, it cameinto my mind that getting away as fast as possible would be the bestservice I could render him, seeing that it would afford him anopportunity to creep away into some hiding-place. 

"I must not forget to tell you, general, that although I am afleet-footed man, so closely was I pursued that I received not lessthan three shots in the skirts of my coat, and had been a dead man, but that two good-natured policemen came up, and stopping theenraged father, bid him give an account of himself; for they wereunaccustomed to seeing gentlemen run naked in such a storm, armedwith pistols. This enabled me to reach a place of safety. But thethought struck me that they would return and make search for Leon. Itherefore followed them at a stealthy pace and at a safe distancefor myself. Leon had crawled through a little gate and into a gardenclose by, where he found a shelter beneath some larch bushes, andwas safe from the vengeance of his pursuers, who several timespassed and re-passed within a few feet of him. The wreck of theladder was all that greeted their eyes. 

"When then the father and his friends returned disappointed to thehouse, I approached the policemen, and giving them an account of theaffair and a few dollars, soon secured their good services. Intruth, sir, they declared by their truncheons that if they had beenlet into the secret a little earlier the hard-hearted old parent hadbeen locked up in the station house, and made to give an account ofhimself, and, perhaps, to pay dearly for being caught in a plight sodangerous to the peace of the neighborhood. They, however, kindlyassisted in getting a carriage, in which Leon was got to his home, where he remained seven weeks without singing a note, and sufferingmuch in mind, as well as body. And when he recovered, it was only tofind that Linda was gone-had been carried away, and no one couldtell him the place of her concealment. Thus forlorn, he gave himselfup in despair, and came near dying of a broken heart, though he wasattended by three physicians. But the post-man brought him a letterone day, and a timely letter it was; for by it Linda informed Leonthat she was in Madrid with her father, which caused him so much joythat I had fears lest it derange his understanding. But a cloud cameover his joy when she told him that such was the surveillance shewas under that her life seemed a mere continuation of wretchedness. And while she still declared her love was unchanged, she artfullyadded that her father had so modified his opinions of foreigners asto press a suit between her and a Spanish Count, of whom it was saidthat he possessed estates in Arragon. This news seriously affectedLeon, who was of an impulsive temper, and quick to give himself upto grief; for he knew what strange changes time and distance worksin the mind of a young, ardent girl like Linda. He knew, too, howdifficult a thing it was to resist the fascinating manners of thecourtly Spaniard. All these things caused him to sorrow, and thissorrow so fed upon his heart that he resolved to get to Madrid withall speed and rescue her from so tyrannical a parent, though it costhim his life. But he was suddenly taken sick of a fever, which, inaddition to well-nigh carrying him to the grave, left his intellectin a deranged state, and so reduced him in body that his friendsresolved he had only a month or so more for this world. I hadwatched over Leon, and but for my poverty would have remained by hisbedside until death separated us. It was my necessities, sir, thatcompelled me to join you. --"

"By my honor, friend Tickler, " interrupted the general, approvingly, "I will now swear you make a good soldier; for such faith is rarelymet outside of the profession to which I belong. "

"As to that, " resumed Mr. Tickler, "your great experience in thesematters must make you the better judge. It then got (I turn now toLinda and Leon) into the papers that Leon was dead. And though Iknow not by what process this was effected, I can tell you that manyobituaries were written in respect of him. Seeing that he had beenso honorably disposed of by the editors, Leon held it better not tocontradict the report, but as soon as he was in possession ofsufficient strength, to leave in disguise for the scene where hewould welcome death or win the prize for which his heart yearned. 

"Judge, then, of my surprise when I recognized Linda in the lovelycreature who played with so much skill, and sang so sweetly. Ourrecognition was mutual, for I stood where the shadow of themoonbeams played over my face. 'Heavens!' says I, 'how can I rescueher?' I saw she was not free, but rather the victim of a heartburdened with cares. My next thought was how to communicate withher. I retired to a little cottage close by, where I wrote a note ontissue paper, proposing an appointment on the following day, andsecured it to the stem of a rosebud. Then I found a poor woman, aSavoyard, playing on her harp in the street; and having read thatthese women were accustomed to performing such parts for the richlovers of their own country, I engaged her to play under the windowuntil she had so attracted the attention of Linda as to make herunderstand by signs what was in the bud. This she engaged to do in amanner that would make success certain. She then repaired to thetask; and having played several airs from the opera of Linda ofChamouni with great artistic skill, soon brought Linda to thewindow, where she at first listened as if she were taking lessons ofa master, but soon changed her listening to surprise at the singularsigns made by the woman between the airs. The mystery was dissolvedwhen I again appeared at the front gate and stood in the shadow ofthe moonbeams. Linda declared she would not be content until thepoor Savoyard was got into the house, averring that as she had neverbefore heard such exquisite playing, she was anxious to ask thewoman some questions concerning her history. To please Linda, then, she was got into the house, where, embracing a favorable moment, sheslipped the bud into Linda's hand. I had suggested a place ofmeeting at twelve o'clock on the following day; and I leave to yourconjecture what took place up to that time. Let me tell you, then, that she escaped from the house through the aid of a faithfulservant, and we met, exchanged our joys as never did brother andsister; yes, we unburdened our hearts and gave each other accountsof all that had passed since the night Leon attempted to rescue herfrom her chamber. 

"Linda had not been to Madrid, but Cuba; and the letter to Leon wasnothing more than a cruel fabrication of her parents, who hadpersuaded her that he was dead, and produced papers recording hisdeath in proof of their declarations. When I discovered to her thatLeon was still alive, she fell upon her knees and beseeched me tospeed with her to him. I knew and felt my duty to the nation; butthe request of this lovely girl was something the gallantry of mysoul could not refuse. "

The general, who had listened attentively while sipping his punch, interrupted, saying, "I reverence your magnanimity, young man, andam glad to see that you had no thought of appropriating the prize toyourself. I am glad, too, that you had an eye to how much the nationmight suffer by this love affair. "

"Says I to myself, " resumed the secretary, "'Orlando Tickler! nowit's between the nation and this fair girl-choose which you will letgo to ruin. Faith, the nation is well enough, ' says I, 'and heregoes to do my duty by this distressed damsel. And with nothing butwhat she had on her back, and a purse of gold, we turned our backsupon Baltimore, and like doves chased by sportsmen, proceeded withall speed to Leon, who had taken up his abode at an airy villa onthe banks of the Hudson. And here again I will leave to yourconjecture what took place when they met; and conclude by sayingthat I went mad with joy on seeing them locked in each other's arms. And while New York was being searched in vain by the friends of herunyielding parents, I saw them made one twain by the village parson;then I left them as happy a couple as ever mingled love, and soughtyou, intending to ask forgiveness. You have it all, sir; and mayHeaven reward you for the forgiveness you have vouchsafed me. "

And now, the time for the general's departure having arrived, oldBattle was got safely on board, when this wonderful politician, soldier, and diplomatist, and his clever secretary, set sail for theKaloramas; and when they had proceeded on their voyage for someweeks met with so serious an accident that the writer of thisfaithful history deems it proper that he should record it in thenext chapter. 

It ought also to be mentioned here that the general, out of sheerrespect to his honesty as a critic, appointed Easley guardian to hisgifted pig, whose earnings he promised to transmit to Polly Potterinstead of the unfathomable depths of the "Bleeding Kansas Fund. "

CHAPTER XLVI. 

CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTERAND HIS SECRETARY CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYINGHORSE. 

BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the namesof such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I haveresolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by thefancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give mecredit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of commonsense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel onwhich this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place onboard might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionableepisodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held atWashington for the entertainment of such aged members of the serviceas are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, theminute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations heldamong young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must beconfessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to theship. 

When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on boardhad passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another beganto hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity invarious ways, styling him "Your Excellency, " and intimating that hemust be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soondiscovered from the disjointed character of his discourse uponvarious subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter whatsubject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of takingcare of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics anda simpleton in so many other things they could not clearlyunderstand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusionthat the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman withdesigns on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister. Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existingbetween the general and his secretary, who had more than oncedeclared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at thetrue quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolvedamong themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. Hehad entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements ofthe Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, atwhich they were all astonished and confounded. 

When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his newuniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verilybelieved necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engagein, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity ofmanner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the customwhich renders it necessary that all great officials crossing theline for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of thesea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you toyour satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials thendisplay their skill at riding the flying horse, the success orfailure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of thesuccess or failure of their mission. "

The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "Iown, Mr. Lieutenant, " said he, in reply, "that if you approached meon matters of government or something that concerns the politics ofour country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairsof the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. Asto riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, mysecretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, Ican tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and carenot to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let thisNeptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can bedispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond ofceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with thissavage king. "

"Your Excellency reasons well, " rejoined the Lieutenant; "butjudging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is asfamiliar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would nothave it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors, who held themselves honored in being the recipients of thisceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in theirdignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present, the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them, while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highestofficials. "

"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many othershave said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And, as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with mysecretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of theshaving. " Having returned this answer, the general sought hissecretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation thathad taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which thelearned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally goodsaints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was asscrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's bestpomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to renderservice either to his government or ladies in distress, he verilybelieved the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who weremuch given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and thereforehe would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen ofsuch standing and valor would not deign to trifle with therespectability of a secretary invested with such importantfunctions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of thefirst lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers weregathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and allassured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that theyhad not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeedin any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, theybegged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept upwith a view to test the real courage and resolution of highofficials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I amnot frightened at trifles, gentlemen, " replied Mr. Tickler, somewhatagitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is notgenerally known among barbers. And I have read every book written byIke Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of ourmaudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he sayabout secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner withtheir beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride theflying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray letthe ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am nodump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentlemanhad better stick to his garret than go beardless to court. " Theofficers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, andresolved to carry it into effect on the following morning. 

And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which the great andall-absorbing event was to take place. A clear sky, a sea so calmthat scarce a ripple was to be seen, every sail spread to its utmostcapacity, and the mellow tints of the rising sun playing over andinvesting them with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing. And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the breeze thatfanned through her canvass. 

The officers were astir before Mother Carey's chickens had dippedtheir wings; indeed, the very elements seemed to have combined tofavor this great and wonderful event, which, seeing that it was inhonor of so great a politician as General Roger Potter, was tosurpass all other events hitherto recorded in this history. 

A stage of rough planks was erected during the night just abaft thefore-mast, and over this a mizen topgallant studding-sail formed anawning, between which and the mast there was a huge wind-sail, leading down into the forehatch. The fore-courser and lowerstudding-sails were now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched toinform the general and his secretary that the ship was crossing theline, and as Neptune's temper was crispy of age, he might ondiscovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Not content withthis, two officers high in rank rushed into the state-room of Mr. Tickler, and evincing great anxiety lest his reputation for couragesuffer, drew him from his berth, and winding him up in a sheet, borehim struggling in their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. Atthe same time a great blowing of sea-conchs (said to be Neptune'schorus), accompanied by the heaving and splashing of waters, washeard directly under the bows, and was indeed enough to striketerror into a stronger heart than Tickler possessed. In short, thesecretary found his courage giving out, notwithstanding he had onthe evening previous given several of the officers a mostinteresting account of the many duels he had figured in. In truth, it must be confessed that if the secretary had not been secured tohis seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of precedents, havetaken to his heels and left the ceremony to those who had a likingfor it. And as it was, his fears continued to increase with theapproach of the ceremony. 

A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed in orderfrom the orlop to the fore-chains. At this moment the general, arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied forth with becomingdignity, and evidently much concerned about the important part hewas to play in this great event, for he felt in his heart that thehonor of his country depended entirely upon the skill he displayedin riding the flying horse. He was also not a little concerned lesthis secretary should fail to carry himself with becoming nerve, andencouraged him with promises to permit him to say things creditableto himself in his first letter to the New York Daily Discoverer. 

Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt as could wellbe imagined, now rose with great gravity and stateliness over thebow; and having cast a piercing glance at the file of men, whoraised their hats and saluted him with becoming deference, advancedslowly, and being met by two senior lieutenants, was first informedof the great fame of the voyagers, and then welcomed on board with aspeech. This done he was introduced to, and exchanged courtesieswith the general, who made him sundry bows, and would have put manyquestions to him concerning his ancestry; but as it was customarywith him to lose no time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving. Perhaps I ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore asort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions; that his beard waslike unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, and hungalmost to his waist; and that a crown of sea-moss decorated hisvenerable head. Muttering something in a language the firstlieutenant declared was Spanish, and exchanging bows with Mr. Tickler, whose face and beard only were visible above the whitesheet, Neptune resigned his trident to one of the sailors, andapproaching the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt hisbeard, then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. Agrinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, and an immensebowl, held with his left arm; and this was filled with a compositefor shaving, such, I venture to assert, as Rushton never thought of;for being a mixture of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escapedwas anything but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his temper, and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, which was notuncommon with him when he spoke natural, that he saw through thewhole thing; and that the man who defiled his beard with such stuffas that would have to suffer for it when he got the use of hishands. Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather withan immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated the critic, whocried for mercy at the very top of his voice, to the no smalldiversion of the bystanders, who enjoyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptunethen commenced to shave the critic with an immense razor made ofwood; but he was so nervous in the management of it, and scraped thecritic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed out at the very topof his voice, "Holy Saint Peter! come to my relief, and let not thisthy child be tortured by his enemies!"

"Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself with courage, Mr. Tickler, " said the general, apparently quite as much diverted as anyof them: "I have a hearty respect enough for these critics; but ifthey let their courage leak out in this way, Heaven only knows whatthey will do when they come to face the guns of the enemy?" heconcluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Havingstepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were all surprisedand astonished to find that Neptune had disappeared amidst theplunging of waters and blowing of sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gonewhen an immense current of water came down upon the head of thesuffering Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more thanthe tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured frombuckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in the windsailclose by. And the force and density of this so nearly drowned thesimple-minded critic that he several times gasped for breath, andindeed seemed on the very point of dissolution. The whole ceremonywas performed in a remarkably short space of time; and when thelathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at liberty, he castthe winding sheet from his shoulders, stood a few moments making themost savage gestures at his adversaries, (most of whom had soughtplaces of safety, ) and challenged the best of them to meet him likemen; then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering as he passed thegeneral, "Faith! and I wish your excellency better luck with whatthere is left. " It ought to be mentioned here that the hanging bythe heels, which is a part of this excellent and very ancientcustom, was, out of sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic, omitted in this instance. 

The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled toperfection; but as there was but little motion on the ship, it wasresolved not to ride the flying-horse until breakfast was over, whenit was hoped a rolling motion of the hull would afford a betteropportunity for the display of skill. "Mr. Lieutenant, " said thegeneral, approaching that officer with his ear canted, and touchinghim confidentially on the arm, "although there was sport enough inthis shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain fears aboutriding the flying-horse; as you say, it may afford me a chance todisplay my courage and horsemanship: but, if it be similar to theshaving, I cannot see wherein it will serve my dignity; andtherefore I say that it seems to my mind better that you give theperformance to some other gentleman. " The lieutenant replied thatthis was a feat entirely free from the severities accompanying theshaving; in truth, that it was solely a means of displaying agility, being much practised by the South Carolinians after theirtournaments. And in order to prove to him that it was in every wayworthy the high consideration of so distinguished a politician andgeneral, he promised to make several of the seamen give him anexample. Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the generalproceeded to prepare himself. 

When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on deck to witnessthe general's skill at riding the flying-horse. The ship rolledlazily, an oar with the blade resting upon the quarter deck, thestock extending some eight or ten feet forward and secured near theend with a rope made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse, which swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was thenplaced on the end of the oar, when an old experienced sailor mountedwith a staff in his hand, and having crossed his legs (like a tailorupon his board), let go the rope, and, with his hands extended, swung to the motion of the ship, maintaining his balance with theease and composure of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hatwith his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the feat, hethrice repeated it to the great delight of all on board. "Faith ofmy father!" exclaimed the general, "I see no great things in that;and if it be all you require in proof of my courage, I will show youthat I can do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it wouldgive me to ride my horse Battle. " All now made way for the wonderfulgeneral, whose shortness of legs rendered it necessary to bringbenches to facilitate his mounting; for the flying-horse stood somesix feet or more from the spar deck, and was not so easily mountedby a general accustomed to the saddle. 

A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders while thegreat General Potter proceeded to mount; which he effected afterconsiderable puffing and fussing, and adjusting his three-corneredhat, of which he was singularly scrupulous. Holding on by the ropewith great tenacity, the only difficulty now in the way seemed hislegs, which were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring hehad never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the back, heproposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, when he would showthem that he could dislodge the hat with great agility sittingastride the oar. But as this would leave no chance for the sportthat was to follow, the officers all asserted upon their reputationsthat in no instance of which they had any knowledge had such aconcession been made, no matter how distinguished the ambassador. But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, two of the officersassisted him in getting his legs crossed. This done the benches werecleared, and, not a little disturbed in his courage, the gallantgeneral swung away to the motion of the ship. Several voices nowcalled to him, demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge thehat. "When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to me, gentlemen, that he had better be left to choose his own time inparting with it!" replied the general. He however let go the rope, and suddenly making a pass at the hat with his staff, lost hisbalance and was plunged headlong into the larboard scuppers, andwith such force that had not his bones been equal to wrought-iron, not a sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out suchpitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge of the seriouscharacter of the joke, which was put an end to by their picking himup and bearing him away to his cabin. 

CHAPTER XLVII. 

OF THE GENERAL'S RECOVERY, AND HIS INTERVIEW WITH MR. TICKLER; ALSO, OF THE LANDING AT BUZABUB, AND VARIOUS OTHER STRANGE AND AMUSINGTHINGS. 

WHEN the general was sufficiently recovered from the effects of thefall, he began thanking heaven that it was no worse, and inquiringof the officers who stood around him, each trying to emulate theother in offering him consolation, whether any of his predecessorshad been thrown into the scuppers in this manner. "You may say therewas a lack of skill, gentlemen; but I at least gave you a taste ofmy courage, which is something in these days. " Thus he addressedthem as he rose to his feet, with evident self-satisfaction, andbelieving in his heart that a man was as much to be praised for whathe attempted as for what he achieved. "That you are a gentleman ofcourage no man with eyes in his head will dispute; and as ourcountry is extremely fortunate in the possession of so brave ageneral, we have been saying among ourselves that the interests ofthe nation demand that you should be less prodigal of it!" repliedone of the officers. 

"It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear witness of whatyou have seen; for although this misfortune may not comport with mydignity as a minister sent to preserve friendly relations with asavage king, you will at least say it was an enterprise that testedthe quality of my metal. As I have always said, a man had betterstick to his functions; for if he mount strange horses, his head mayprove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall to the grounda great fool. But you have seen enough to satisfy you of my courage, and now I must hasten to my secretary, who is no small man, thoughunaccustomed to the perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy. "So making them a bow, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler's cabin, where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot of Rushton'spomade, which, together with two bottles of Lubin's double extract, had been presented to him by the officers, as a balm to heal hisinjured dignity. "This is no joke, your excellency, " said thediscomfited critic; "you may smile at a man with his beard full oftar; but let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wagerhe'll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored. " The generallaid his hand on Mr. Tickler's arm, encouragingly, and replied, "Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good understanding, and itcomforts me that you take this little affair no worse. "

"How much worse your excellency would have it I know not. And itoccurs to my mind that this mauling and scraping is no part of mymission. I am not a malefactor, but a man sent abroad to serve hiscountry, which it is my intention to do faithfully, if only theyleave my dignity undamaged. "

"It's not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend Tickler, "interposed the general. 

"I am glad your excellency speaks in this way; for if a man bringhis dignity to an end, pray what use is he to his country?"

"There your philosophy is at fault, Tickler; for many's the man nowin the service of his country who has not so much dignity as myhorse Battle. Console yourself, sir, and remember that hardships arethe prop-sticks of a rising man's glory. And having borne your partin this ceremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know thatthe officers set you down for a terrible fellow. "

"Let them practice their pranks on some one else, or by the saintsthey shall suffer for it. But tell me, your excellency, is it acustom with secretaries to trick their landlords, undergo thesebatterings and bruisings, and go for weeks without a shilling? If itbe, Orlando Tickler returns to his profession of a critic! And totell you the truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to getpay for my services at this outlandish court. But pray where is thisKalorama? for I have puzzled my brain over it not a little. Andwhile you are about it, please enlighten me further on the benefitsthis mission of yours will bestow upon mankind, that I may beinstructed while I am getting this grease and tar out of my beard. "

"A good diplomatist, I have heard it said, friend Tickler, neverblurts out what he means to do, but keeps a still tongue until hehas effected his ends. Keep then your faith square, ask noquestions, watch closely, and the result shall come as clear as dayto you when I am on the field. " The secretary gradually became morereconciled to his fate, and soon renewed the labor of restoring hisbeard. 

Several days now passed with so much pleasantry that the general andhis secretary became the admiration of all on board. Not a man, fromthe commander down to the humblest "ordinary, " but was eager to paythem homage, minister to their comfort, or afford them amusement. They were thus happily pursuing their voyage when the commander, onepleasant evening, having entertained the general with various seastories, was approached by one of his officers, who reported thatSpark Island had been sighted from aloft. This news sent a thrill ofjoy into the hearts of all on board, for Spark Island lay tenleagues off the coast of Kalorama. Every eye was now fixed in thedirection indicated, and many were the glasses brought into use. After various scannings, what seemed a mere speck on the horizon waspronounced by the commander to be nothing less than the famous SparkIsland, a bit of land quite resembling the steeple of one of ourfashionable churches, and which nature, in one of her strange freakshad ejected from the bottom of the sea, that certain gulls and othersea-birds, having no other convenient place to build their nests, might take advantage of its solitude. "Verily, your excellency, "said the commander, addressing General Potter with great suavity ofmanner, "there is so curious a history connected with this pitifullittle island, that I feel you would be deeply interested with arecital of it. "

"Indeed, sir, " returned the general, "as this history concerns me asa diplomatist, I should be delighted to hear it from your lips. "

"You must know, then, " resumed the commander, "that the nativesalong the coast have a tradition they firmly believe in, and whichsets forth that this island was thrown up by a special act ofprovidence as a place of refuge for a poor priest, a good and holyman, who, being admitted to the confidence of the court of a Chiefthen ruling over Kalorama, was discovered, by a keen-sightedattendant, in an amour with one of his daughters, a girl of so muchbeauty that various chiefs had come from the east, and the west, andthe north, and the south, to lay their offerings at her feet. But tonone of them would she give her hand and heart. And although thepriest protested his innocence before heaven, and the girl, whosename was Matura, declared her chastity as unsullied as the drivensnow, the father was not to be moved, but per-emptorily orderingthem both into a canoe, sent them to drift at the mercy of thewaves, a merited banishment-in his eyes. Many years passed, andnothing being heard of the priest and Matura, it was thought the seahad swallowed them up, when they were discovered on this lonelyisland by some Spanish adventurers from a neighboring coast. Thepriest at once gave the visitors an account of how the island rosefrom the ocean by special providence for his protection, togetherwith a minute description of all that had taken place since theirbanishment. He had chanted vespers regularly three times a day, while Matura had confessed to him, sang to him, and made himgarments of the feathers of birds, the flesh of which furnished themwith food. What seemed most singular, was that although their lockswere whitened with the cares of fourscore years, both stood ready toswear before an inquisition of saints that neither in thought nordeed had they sinned against the commandments. 

"Meanwhile the servant, instrumental in procuring the banishment ofthe priest and Matura, was brought to his death-bed, and as he wastroubled about leaving this world with so deep a crime in his heart, he came out and declared that the charge he had brought against thepriest and Matura was a tissue of lies which he had been bribed topromulgate by another priest, to whom he was in the habit ofconfessing. But the innocence thus revealed was of no avail; for thepriest and Matura died on the island, and there was an end of it asfar as that went. 

"The Spaniards returned and reported the discovery to their people, as also the story of the priest and Matura. Whereupon the Spaniardslaid claims to Spark Island, they being, as they asserted, the firstdiscoverers. But the story, together with the discovery, was notlong in coursing down the coast to the ears of the Kaloramas, whoimmediately fitted out a fleet of seven canoes, and dispatchedthem in charge of twenty stalwarth natives and a priest, who hadtaken high orders, such an one being held necessary to the safety ofthe expedition. Well, they descried the island, and having landed, found the bones of the priest and Matura in a cave, on the side of asteep bluff. And when these were brought home, the people ofKalorama went into deep mourning, and had them buried with greatceremony in a grove of cocoanut trees, where all girls of tenderyears were taught to go at early morning and lay offerings offlowers upon the grave of Matura the innocent. 

"But there soon sprung up a great dispute as to the possession ofthis island. The Spaniards claimed it in virtue of their discovery, while the Kaloramas, with no less plausibility, asserted a priorityby virtue of its having been first inhabited by the priest andMatura, whom they claimed as citizens of Kalorama. And, notwithstanding a manuscript written by the priest while in hislonely exile, and describing how an All-wise Providence had createdthis island solely for his preservation, was by an intriguingSpaniard placed in the hands of the King of the Kaloramas as proofagainst his own countrymen, the question of possession rose intosuch gigantic proportions that a great war broke out between thedisputants. And although neither could ever hope to derive theslightest benefit from its possession, the contest was bloody enoughon both sides. And when they had fought many battles, involvedvarious other nations, and desolated each other's dominions, theyagreed that each should send a deputation of not less than threepriests, who, when they had visited the island, should declare uponthe merits of the case. Whereupon two expeditions were fitted out atgreat cost of time and treasure; but after cruising for more thanthirty days, not a vestige of Spark Island could they find. Therefore, it was agreed among the priests that as a visitation ofprovidence had created the island for a holy purpose, so also hadGod in his wisdom caused it to sink into the sea, that an end mightbe put to the savage wars waged for its possession. And as neitherparty could dispute this solemn verdict of the priests, bothcheerfully accepted it, and were for ever after inalienable friends. And there is an end to that, as far as it goes. 

"It was generally agreed that Spark Island had vanished, for nearlya century passed, and not a mariner could be found to say he hadseen it, though several were ready to swear by their buttons thatthey had heard mermaids singing precisely where it once stood. Andso matters remained until a few years ago, when two of ourenterprising countrymen, who were cruising down this way in searchof adventures, came upon it, and finding it covered with a rich andvaluable manure, fancied it a new discovery, laid claim to it in thename of our government, and, blinded by their enthusiasm, declaredit one of the greatest islands history had any account of, thoughtruly it was but six furlongs long and four wide. Many and wonderfulwere the representations made to our government by these adventurersconcerning this great discovery, and the benefits that were to flowfrom it to our country. The humblest husbandman was to get a merepinch of its rich deposits, and, having sprinkled it over his broadacres, would immediately find them transferred into fields ofluxuriant corn. Mere ounces were to make fertile the most sterilelands; and even old Virginia put on her spectacles, and beganlooking forward to the time when every bald hill, from theRappahannock to the Blue Ridge, would wear a rich carpet of green. 

"It was curious enough to see with what an open ear the governmentlistened to these wonderful stories, and the agility with which itsent a great fleet, and a terrible commodore, to enforce our claimto the possession of this island. A dispute now arose between theKaloramas and our government, regarding the nature of the discoveryby these adventurers, and many learned and very profound opinionswere given, describing its exact history and boundaries. When, however, we were on the point of declaring war against theKaloramas, as the most sure way of getting the island, it turned outthat all these authorities, discovering such profound knowledge, were wide off the mark. In addition to this, the fleet, after a longand pleasant cruise, which afforded the officers amusement enough tolast them a life-time, at length found the island, which was sosmall that even the most reliable chart makers had neglected tolocate it. They were, therefore, so much diverted at its apparentinsignificance that they came to the very sensible conclusion thatthe few birds having their nests in it had the best claim to it;and, indeed, that to disturb them would be to inflict a greatcruelty. After coming to this conclusion they returned home inexcellent humor, and reported the result of the expedition (thereport covered some sixteen folios) to the government at Washington, presenting it at the same time with a casket containing four ouncesof the rich and highly-scented treasure found thereon. And I aminformed that the government was so pleased with the result of thiscostly expedition that it has ever since remained profoundly silenton the subject-even refusing an enormous sum offered by aPhiladelphia bookseller for the report, which he was anxious topublish, out of sheer love for the public. However, open questionsof the smallest kind being indispensable to great governments, inasmuch as they afford occupation to diplomatists, and such idlersas follow the trade of politics, I must not forget to mention herethat our government still continues secretly to dispute the pointwith the Kaloramas; even threatening to thrash them right soundly, unless they relinquish their claim. And here Spark Island stands, like the lone steeple of some forsaken church. " Thus the commanderconcluded, when General Potter, who declared the history had deeplyinterested him, laid his hand confidentially on the arm of thespeaker, saying: "There is, I verily believe, something said in myinstructions concerning this Island. Just let me alone, and Iwarrant to have it safe in the possession of our government, (and adozen more just like it!) in less time than you have been talkingabout it. As for the priest, though he never did me any harm, I holdit well that the amorous rascal was banished in a canoe, that beingan easy way of getting rid of him. But my heart is tender, and youspeak in such praise of this Matura's beauty, and chastity, that Ishall surely go to bed weeping, if, indeed, I do not dream of handto hand combats with her hard-hearted father. I shall not forgetthis affair, Mr. Commander! and shall give King Nebo to understandthat I know all about the dirty tricks of his ancestors. "

"I would like to know, " inquired Mr. Tickler, "if there was anythingsaid in the manuscript left by the priest, about his seeing SparkIsland rise from the sea with his own eyes?"

"Nothing could have been more minutely described, " replied thecommander. "One moment there was only a broad sea-plain before him, in the next he saw it shoot up like a spark, which was why he calledit Spark Island. " Mr. Tickler declared himself entirely satisfiedwith this explanation, and was sure the priest could not have beenmistaken. 

When the night was far advanced the general and his secretaryretired to their cabins, where they slept soundly, and awoke on thefollowing morning, to find the ship safely moored in a snug littlecove or harbor, opposite the Village of Buzabub, a seaport on theCoast of Kalorama, and so buried in Mango and Pride of India trees, as nearly to conceal the few shabby dwellings it contained. Thegeneral was up before the monkeys began to chatter, and anxiouslypaced the deck, in his new uniform, seeming to care for no one butold Battle, whom he every few minutes stopped to congratulate on thetermination of the voyage, all of which the faithful animal seemedperfectly to understand. In truth, the general had evinced so muchsolicitude for his horse during the passage, that the officers andmen were quite as much diverted with the proofs of affectiondisplayed by the faithful animal, as they were at the eccentricitiesof his master. 

When then the general had paced the deck a sufficient length oftime, he repaired to the cabin of his secretary, saying: "FriendTickler, my learned secretary, get speedily up, for this is to bethe most important day of my life, outshining, by far, the day of myreception in New York. Get up, write me a speech that shall becomethis remarkable event, and so mix it up with Latin sentences, thatthese savages will take me for a profound scholar, and pay mecourtesy accordingly; for I have a fear of their knives, which, I amtold, have terminated the existence of several ambassadors. "

CHAPTER XLVIII. 

ONE OF THE MOST TRUTHFUL ACCOUNTS OF HOW GENERAL POTTER SPENT ANIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 

TICKLER rose quickly from his bath, and applied himself diligentlyto the manufacturing of a most wonderful speech for his master. Norwas he at a loss for Latin sentences; for, having provided himselfwith a book of Latin proverbs, he could have supplied a mob ofpoliticians with speeches, every word of which was Latin. 

And so anxious was Tickler to serve his master, that he broke nothis fast during the morning; nor, indeed, was he aware thatbreakfast was over, until the booming of thirteen guns brought himto a sense of his position. And those thirteen guns were intendedfor a salute, and were quite enough for a town so poor that it hadnot wherewith to answer them; and on that score, excused itself, forwhat might otherwise have been set down for a grave insult. But thegeneral set every gun down in honor of himself, and was so vain ofhis exalted position, that he approached the commander, saying: "Ithank you heartily for the great honor you have just paid me in theguns; and, let me tell you, sir, I value the compliment more, sinceit comes from one so worthy of his country as yourself. You havedisplayed great fortitude and valor during this perilous voyage, which I shall not forget to mention in my dispatches, while mysecretary will make due note of it in his letters to the newspapers, and I say it to you in confidence, he is correspondent for no lessthan seven. " The commander bowed, and, smiling, thanked the generalfor this expression of his high regard. 

A fleet of canoes was now seen putting off from shore. Advancingwith great speed they soon reached the ship, which they surrounded, while one of their number, bearing two tawny chiefs, and a priest, who acted as an interpreter, made fast alongside. The chiefs and thepriest came speedily on board, and were welcomed by the commander, with no little ceremony. And as the chiefs were decked out in agreat profusion of feathers, and cloaks of as many colors as therainbow, the general set them down for at least sons of the king, and commenced addressing them accordingly, when he was suddenlyinterrupted by the commander, who informed him that they were onlymessengers sent by the father, or chief magistrate of the village, to inquire for what object the ship was come. And when informed ofthe great and important character of the mission, they presented theambassador, as they were pleased to call the general, with twoparrots and a male monkey, as a token of the friendship intended bytheir king, and also as a means of dispelling all apprehensions ofevil designs. This done, the priest was invited into the cabin, where, to his great delight, refreshments were served, to which wereadded sundry strong beverages, which he drank with such avidity andevident relish, that the commander began to have fears for thesafety of his understanding. Being a man of great compassion, thecommander got the priest away. Thereupon he joined the chief, andtogether they returned to make preparations for the reception of ourhero and his secretary. And when it was well nigh high noon, thegeneral and his secretary disembarked amidst the booming of guns andthe huzzas of the crew. And although this afforded him no smallamount of pleasure, he expressed great anxiety lest the landing ofold Battle be delayed another minute; "for, " said he, "if it benecessary to make an impression on these savages, then let me havemy horse, and you shall see how quick I will do it. " As these littleevidences of his weakness only served the more to divert theofficers, they proceeded forthwith to effect the landing. Scarcelyhad he set foot on shore, however, when he was surrounded by a swarmof tawny beings, naked almost to the buff, and so eager to get asight at so great an ambassador, that they pressed forward with aclamor that threatened the most serious results to life and limbs, at the same time interposing a serious impediment to the progress ofhis train. Nor did his great rotundity, and the queer figure he cutin his uniform tend to lesson their excitement; for they commencedcapering round him, hooting, and performing the most amusingantics, -all of which he mistook for expressions of gratitude andjoy. But as it was a custom with our government to select forministers men who could not understand one word of the languagespoken at the court to which they were accredited, so in thisinstance did its results prove highly fortunate; for, as neithercould understand a word the other said, our government was savedfrom being called upon to resent the most flagrant outrages everoffered to one of its ministers. But as fortune always favors thegreat and chivalrous, the priest with whom he had an interview inthe morning, suddenly came to the rescue, and so great was his powerover the poor natives, that they held their peace at the raising ofhis finger, and dispersed to a respectful distance at his bidding. 

Diminutive asses were now brought, and when the company weremounted, the priest escorted them, on foot, to a little chapel, inwhich were assembled divers other priests and dignitaries, whoseraiment bore a strong resemblance to the venerable wardrobe of oneof our bankrupt theatres. Here the general was welcomed by thepriest, in return for which he delivered them the speech preparedfor him by his secretary. But not one word of the Latin thatgentleman had so liberally thrown in, could the priests understand, though they were complete masters of the tongue. 

As for the town itself, it was composed of detached huts, built ofmud and sticks, and in keeping with the degraded condition of thepoor natives, between whom and the priests and renegades, whoaffected to govern them, a strange confusion of understandingsexisted. In speaking of renegades, it may be well to mention thatthe town seemed to swarm with flaxen-headed children, some toddlingabout in their bare buff, some basking in the sun, and othersdevouring plantains and pomegranates. Indeed, there were variousproofs of an infusion of renegade blood, rarely met with in soremote a country. Further observation also discovered the fact, thateven the dogs, and the pigs, and the cattle were a cross with otherspecies of animals, and partook largely of the spirit of animositythat ruled between the priests and the renegades. In truth, no twocould be found living in harmony. And strange as it may seem, thenatives of Buzabub, although bountifully supplied with whiskey, powder and priests, were at the lowest point of civilization. Andyet, heaven knows, these modern messengers of civilization had donemuch to sweep away the primitive virtues of the poor Kaloramas. 

When the ceremony of presentation was over, and such hospitalitiesas the town afforded proffered the general and his secretary, theywere made comfortable at the house of a priest, for three days mustelapse before the kings's permission to proceed to Nezub, which wassome ten leagues inland, would arrive; and no ambassador ever daredto advance without it. The general was also informed that it wascustomary for all great ambassadors to travel in a sort ofpalanquin, borne by four stalwarth natives, who were relieved everytwo miles. And this journey, he was gravely assured, would occupynot less than eight days; but as the train would be accompanied by apriest and two renegades (the latter acting as interpreters), thetime would pass pleasantly enough. "Odds me!" exclaimed the general;"but this riding in such a machine, Mr. Priest, does not comportwith my notion of dignity. " "Your excellence, " replied the priest, "must remember that there are various opinions as to whatconstitutes true dignity. For myself, I hold to Saint Peter'snotion, that a man may maintain his dignity, though clothed insackcloth. And since no really great ambassador ever thought oftravelling in any other manner, I think you may venture to followtheir example, without fear of damaging your dignity. " This socompletely reconciled the general, that he declared all hisobjections removed, and enjoined the priest not to think him a whitbehind any ambassador he might have in his eye. But Mr. Tickler wasseriously discomfitted. "Pray, " said he, with an air of greatanxiety, "will your reverence be good enough to say how I am toaccompany his excellency, for I am a poor critic, and know butlittle of these affairs. "

"Secretaries, " rejoined the priest, "follow their masters, mountedon a mule, and he in turn is followed by two renegades, similarlymounted; the priest following, mounted on an ass. And this isstrictly in accordance with an ancient custom, for the priest beingnecessary to the strict morality of the train, it is becoming thathe should humble himself. " Mr. Tickler shook his head, and wasevidently much disappointed at the shabby position he was to occupyin the train. Indeed, he wished himself back in New York a dozentimes, and swore he would consider it a kindness if the devil hadhis secretaryship. Encouraged, however, with extravagant promises ofwhat the future might have in store for him, he betook himselfdiligently in writing long and very eulogistic articles to the NewYork newspapers, in which he described the great deference paid themby the officers during the voyage, the wonderful reception atBuzabub, the great resources of the country, and the immenseadvantages that must resnlt from this mission. Nor did Ticklerforget to mention that General Roger Potter was exactly the man toeffect all our objects. Three whole days did the cunning criticoccupy in the preparation of these marvellous accounts; which wereso well larded with Latin quotations that the writers for "Putnam"went into ecstacies of delight over their great literary merits. 

During this time the general became a lion of no small dimensions, and whether mounted on old Battle, or afoot, was so great an objectof attraction that a swarm of urchins, from the smallest toddler inhis buff to the more mature imp of fourteen, persisted in followingclose at his heels, presenting him with pomegranates and plantains, and, indeed, offering him such salutations as their instinctsdirected; for they fancied him the great school-master they had beentold would one day come from the East to teach them how to be greatmen. 

While all these things, then, were progressing, and the generalseemed leaping to the apex of his fame, the officers of the ship, not content with the joke they had already perpetrated, resolved onhaving such a parting with him as would be both amusing andinstructive. They therefore invited him to a grand banquet, whichthey represented as given out of sheer respect to his rare qualitiesas a diplomatist. And as he held all these ovations as so manyjewels in the coronet of his popularity, the invitation was readilyaccepted. In truth, he flattered himself that news of this grandbanquet would get to the ears of the king, who, seeing how much hewas esteemed by his own countrymen, could not fail to make him anyconcession he might demand. He thereupon commanded his secretary tomake him a speech of great strength and beauty, that he mightastonish them quite as much with the profoundness of his learning aswith the clearness of his understanding. "Faith! I am ready to writeyour excellency speeches by the dozen, with the quality to yourmind; but as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that ifyou but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I can employthe time much more to my liking; for several comely damsels, withrich olive complexions, have already sang to me, and, as yourexcellency knows, I am a critic of tender parts. "

"I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil from yourelbow and you will soon forget the songs of these damsels. If theythrow a sly wink or two, turn your back and walk away. Do this, andI will answer for your virtue. As to the speeches, no man could havemade them more to my mind; and it was merely to show you the breadthof my own capacity that I did not stick to them. "

"Yes, and there's the Latin! Though I crammed in my whole book ofquotations, you would so hack it up in the delivery that neither thepriests nor the devil could understand a word of it, " curtlyretorted Mr. Tickler. 

When night came, they all prepared for the banquet, which, althoughnot so sumptuous as those given in New York to great officials, wasby no means a meagre affair, since it included a variety of dishesheld as great delicacies by the Kaloramas. As to wines, the officershad an ample supply brought from the ship. All stronger beverageswere got of the host of the inn in which the banquet was to comeoff, a fellow calling himself Fareni Faschi, but whose real name wasPhilip Fitzpatrick, a renegade who had committed crimes enough inNew York, which place he trusted to his heels and left, in order tosave his neck. Not to keep the reader longer in suspense, I willhere inform him, whether gentle or simple, that no such banquet hadever before been given in Buzabub, and that General Potter took hisseat on the right of the chairman, (who was no less a person thanthe commander!) amidst the sounding of trumpets and the jingling ofsymbol-bells. And so scrupulous was he of his uniform, that anattendant placed before him-not a napkin-but a large tablecloth, which so added to the humorous aspect of his face that even thepriests present could not resist a smile. All now proceeded asjubilant as a marriage in Canon. The general gorged himself as neverminister gorged himself before. Even Mr. Tickler, who sat at hisright, looked with astonishment at the skill and alacrity with whichhis master demolished the various dishes set before him. As to thepunches, highly-spiced cordials, and wines, he mixed themindiscriminately, and drank them with such a rapidity that Ticklerbecame alarmed for the safety of his understanding. Indeed, it wasso evident that his intellect was becoming deranged that theofficers ordered the courses hurried as much as possible, for theywere anxious to be rid of the priests, before whom they would notfor the world have their country's great representative do aughtdamaging to his reputation. When, then, the attendants came toremove the cloth, the general looked up with astonishment, andaddressed one of them thus: "I would not have you stop for me, gentlemen waiters, for I am a slow and dainty eater, and would likeanother turn at that well-seasoned pie. " Tickler, who had been noway dainty about the number of glasses he quietly quaffed, touchedhis master significantly on the elbow. "Your excellency has need tolook well to his manners, " said he, "for those priests have theireyes polished, and are whispering no good. "

"That dish of which your excellency has eaten with so much relish, "rejoined the waiter, "is snale patte, a dish so rare and savory thatit is all eaten up: but if your excellency will be patient we willhave some more prepared expressly for him. "

"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat Ihave been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soonneed a doctor. " The priests overheard this remark, and thereuponarose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon asthey were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into atitter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famousa diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be agem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesmanhad shed lustre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied himhere in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he willprove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, wedevoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round ofsuccesses, " said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present withhis facility for paying compliments, and so confused the generalthat he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declaredgovernment had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved bya wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not encumbered with awhole Babylon of tongues. 

When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose withgreat pomp and circumstance to reply. He cast a wild and confusedlook about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "Itmust not be said of me that making speeches is not one of myfunctions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of themrecently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, whichjust now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services tomy country is true enough; for I am none of your thievingpoliticians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father!and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteemgratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in thefirmament of my glory-"

"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin, "interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will notoffer these three years. " But he resumed, heedless of theadmonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry hiscountry in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and thenfor the purpose of worship. " The speaker here became confused, andafter making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled intohis chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of theguests took their departure, much gratified with the evening'sentertainment. The general was now left with the officers and hissecretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischiefthat they pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, andwith such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction. And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table. Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feetsecured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of ahuge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised. 

And now, when it was passed midnight; when every snake in Buzabubhad coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; whenpestering centipedes, lizards, and cockroaches were gone peaceablyto their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb theelements, which were hushed into perfect silence, -there might havebeen seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle, harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hearses used in thevillages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight afigure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased bya figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with hisscythe and glass adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of deathvery like that described in Revelations as seated upon the palehorse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was asheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest hewas in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Timewas mounted; while still another, representing the devil, wasgravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclinedgentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight ofour great and wonderful "ambassador, " whom they thrust, head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiaryhandled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horsemade to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of hismaster's great reputation. 

At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to agreat grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed, preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. Andhere, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, GeneralRoger Potter--statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician--wasleft to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead. 

CHAPTER XLIX. 

WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARYGAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS. 

LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generallydisordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to hisunderstanding on the following morning, and to his utterastonishment found himself in a position where he could neither moveto the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of thetomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagariesof his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements hehad fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'ma sinner, " said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "thismission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds. " He now heardthe kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhatalarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong andhis secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to cometo his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and thegood priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he gotwas the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of thesounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turnedjoker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after muchperturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as hestood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowdedupon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his couragevanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen intoa trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him ina state of probation until they could find time to pray him throughpurgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who wasso high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! mytrusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could Ihave seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words ofcondolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was sodeeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh thatsent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of whichwas like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to theheart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for severalminutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve ofgiving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, andsuddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as apolitician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling forhis sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared hewould be the death of every bat in the cave. 

The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, andmoved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity whichrules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that thegeneral was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke atthe bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for anopening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of lightflashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with theghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by apale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy, " he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him;several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying wasno part of his political creed, and was little practised by militarymen, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had beenburied alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining histhoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, Oforgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have meritedthe devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have toldlies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories Ihave told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if youwill be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may notdie in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, andso devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shallsurely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgivingLord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; drawnear and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain oftruth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with thefacts of history. " Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer;again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at thevery top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressingcries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastenedto the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light wasadmitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who assuddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to theangels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death, ) thatshe stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girlran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for"said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he issurely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly asfather Segong describes him. "

The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance ofthe perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, toreaway the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insultoffered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no soonersallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance toferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were theauthors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with eachother in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with somuch apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and atonce set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-heartedfriends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but mycourage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for thesoldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you callthat! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests knowsomething about it, and in truth took this method of being rid ofme, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world. " Thegeneral said this with so much simplicity of manner that theofficers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, hereplied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was notrick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutackrobbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given tocarrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom theydemanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of thiscountry, " interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there withthe frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to ourrepresentative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard. "

"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me, gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army, "rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigurehis face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it. 

They had now reached the inn when they assisted him in washing hisface, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They alsoconvinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching thecountry round for him, which increased his confidence in theirsincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, andfelt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightestdamage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interferedwith his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country, the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, andthen took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerningwhat had befallen his secretary. 

On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as tothe quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted himwarmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at hisabsence. "For, " said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast haswaited your excellency nearly an hour. " Being told that hissecretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, andwas much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If yourexcellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to getthe trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking myway home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life, " spokethe secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no manof heart could have withheld his pity. 

"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general, with an air of astonishment. 

"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! Ifinstead of assisting you in making treaties, going to court, andenjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consistin his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundledabout like a Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for theoffice, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for Ihold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright bythese tortures. " Not satisfied with this explanation, the generaldemanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him anaccount of what had occurred; saying that when he came to hissenses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; andindeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by hisfears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayeduntil he was released; to all of which the general listenedattentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. Inshort, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had beenharshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "beinga man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to takethese trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it downto those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutackrobbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that themore fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, thebetter will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in storefor us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a greatdiplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, yourpockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles fromyour mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the timecomes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!"

"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aughtagainst my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then Istick to your excellency, if he go to the devil. " They now returnedand took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when itwas over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey. 

CHAPTER L. 

IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND THE MOST FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF THEJOURNEY TO NEZUB; AND ALSO WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER WASPRESENTED TO THE KING. 

WHEN it was high noon, the usually quiet town of Buzabub wassuddenly thrown into a state of great commotion. Horns were sounded, reeds blown, and bells jingled. In fine, so many and various werethe ways in which homage was paid to the departure of the "greatambassador, " that it would be impossible to enumerate them in thishistory. 

A messenger now entered the priest's house to announce the readinessof the train; and as his reverence had prepared his saddle-bags andumbrella, and laid in a good stock of provisions, he led the wayinto the street, followed by the general and his secretary. Herethey found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already mountedon their mules, which displeased the good father, for he was a manof courtesy, and knew what was due to rank. After some debate as tothe position old Battle should take, it was agreed that he follownext the palanquin, and be led by a native; and this so delightedthe general, that he promised to remember it all the rest of hislife. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and all the restof mankind. And the priest having mounted his ass, and Mr. Ticklerhis mule, this wonderful train of cattle, so remarkably mounted, setoff under a burning sun, the general in the van, and the priestbringing up the rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for theprovision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were followed bya tumultuous throng, sounding horns and cheering until they hadreached some distance beyond the town. 

For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant manner, resting totake refreshments three times a day, pitching their tents at nightbeneath palm trees, or in mango groves, interspersing mass andprayers with various amusements for the diversion of the general andthe priest, who was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no veryhigh opinion of those of his order who go about with dolefulcountenances. And when they were halted, the general got of thepriest much concerning the differences existing between his orderand the renegades, between whom a deadly fued existed, bothstruggling for an ascendancy in the government. Tickler also foundexcellent companions in the renegades, with whom he discussedmatters of ancestry and books, of which both professed to know much, though truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as everleft their own country to pester the authorities of another. Theywere also curious to learn of Tickler what had brought his master toKalorama; but on that score he was as ignorant as themselves, thoughof his master's influence at home he assured them no man had more. He also gave them a wonderful account of his many achievements inwar. 

Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of each villagethrough which they passed welcoming them with salutations of joy, paying great reverence to the priest and his ass, and regaling themwith fruits and such other refreshments as their humble plantationsafforded. 

Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they had proceededsome four miles up a gradually inclining slope, when the City ofNezub appeared in sight, on the brow of a hill, almost buried in agrove of palms, and surrounded by picturesque scenery, over whichthe clear atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps ofmango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast to the softerherbage on the slopes; while the earth seemed teeming with therichest flowers, impregnating the air with their sweet odors. 

When they were within a mile of the city, numerous shabby-lookingdignitaries, and a great concourse of half-naked people, came out tomeet them, and amidst music and rejoicing accompanied them to thecity, and indeed, seemed anxious to carry the priest and his ass ontheir shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision of oldBattle's shabby appearance. And now, when the bearers had carriedthe general to a little cottage, provided for him at the expense ofthe king, and he was safely lodged in his quarters, the good priesttook leave of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his homefeeling that he had rendered all the service required of him. "Uponmy soul, " said the general, when the priest was gone, "but theywould not make all this ceremony if they knew the drift of my mind. Take notice, Tickler, that they have here a fine country, which isso scurvily governed, that to my mind there would be no harm intaking it away from them. "

"Your excellency knows best about that, " replied Mr. Tickler, "butthe devil take me if I want to share the hanging you might get inplaying at that game. Please run your eye over the instructions, andsee what they say on that head. "

"I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these matters, for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you break it. And as itis customary with the best of our ministers to look over instead ofinto their instructions, you will not find me behind any of them, for I intend to astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Markthat well. And if you have not courage to join me in these things, why, the quicker you get home the better, for I hold that a man ofyour metal is always best off where his gallantry and such othergraces as heaven has blessed him with will attract most adorers. "

"Faith of my mother! but your excellency talks queerly. I have not adollar in my pocket, and you bid me get home over a road lined withrobbers" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Now that I am here, and owe aservice to the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that Ileft your excellency, who will see my courage come out when heaffords me an opportunity. " They now spent three days in closeconsultation on the precise language necessary in addressing theking at the first audience, which he had signified his readiness, togrant on the morning of the fourth day. The general insisted that itbe interpersed with so much latin as to confuse both the king andthe interpreter, though both were profound scholars. "I have rareskill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows but you grind it upso in the delivery that neither the king nor the devil canunderstand a word of it. And as your English is good enough for thebest of them, I would advise you to stick to it, since no greatmilitary man ever gained anything by dabbling in classics. " This sotouched the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that hewent right into a rapsody of delight. "I begin to be of your way ofthinking, friend Tickler, " said he, tossing his head approvingly. "Ihave speeches enough in my head, and am resolved to make the firstthat comes to my tongues end. "

And now, when the morning on which they were to have an audiencewith the king was come, the general arrayed himself in his bestuniform, not forgetting his three cornered hat and white gloves; andmounting old Battle as Mr. Tickler mounted his mule, they proceededto the king's palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in apretty square, and surrounded by shade trees and clustering vines. Here they were received with the blowing of horns and jingling ofbells; which continued to keep up a deafening sound while they werebeing conducted into the presence of his majesty, who wore a brightred cloak, and a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. Incomplexion his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as tofigure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps not as cleana one, as could be found in all the kingdoms round about: in short, if his majesty was none of the cleanest, he at least wore acontented air, which is rare with kings. And as he sat on his throneof ingeniously woven palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewinghis pipes and holding a parley with various priests than listeningto the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very muchdoubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a happyindifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow of ponderousbelly and face, calling himself Don Perez Goneti, but whose realname was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, and as arrant a rascal asever left Georgia to save his neck, now came forward, and addressingthe general, informed him that he was the king's keeper, andlawgiver to the nation. This announcement surprised the general, forthe man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a redruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed that this DonPerez Goneti bore a much stronger resemblance to an escaped convict, or a street juggler, than to a great lawgiver. A consultation nowtook place between this great lawgiver and the general, as towhether the speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty. "For, " said the lawgiver, "his majesty is no fool. " "And if he takesme for one, it will not be wise of him!" replied the general. Thelawgiver now presented the general, with uncommon ceremony. Andalthough the king bowed, it was evident he regarded theplenipotentiary with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heavento be rid of both him and his secretary. The general tugged up hisbreeches, and with an air of self-complacency truly admirable, spokeas follows, the lawgiver acting as interpreter. "May it please yourmajesty, to whose gracious consideration I commend myself, I amgeneral Roger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your majestyhas heard enough said. And this gentleman (here he turned to Mr. Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps not so well known, but, nevertheless, a man of reputation. "

The king yawned and inquired of his minister what the queer lookingman said. 

"He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is true enough. But he requests that you acknowlege him the greatest livingambassador! Honestly, your majesty, he has great skill as a jester, which I take it is why he was sent here. "

"Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says touching ourgreatness may be turned to profit. Let him proceed, that he provethe wisdom of his government in sending him. " The lawgiver now bidthe general proceed. 

"Here are my credentials, " resumed the general, "and if your majestywill run his eye over them, he will see that the president of theUnited States accredits me minister extraordinary to your majesty'scourt. That being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will returnit with similar testimony. Of the good nature of our president noman can say a word but in praise; and I can swear he entertains ahigh opinion of your royal person, is earnestly desirous ofpreserving peace between us, and resolved to respect that comitywhich should rule among nations so distinguished, and without whichneither of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sympathiesin common. As for myself, all I have to say is that your majestywill find my conduct so squared as to be acceptable in your eyes, for Heaven is with the peacemakers. " Here the general paused as DonPerez Goneti proceeded to the interpretation. 

"The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang me if I knowwhat to make of it. But this I do know: he says many things thatwould not be pleasing to your majesty's refined ears; such forinstance, as that your majesty governs so badly, and has so littleknowledge for turning the vast resources of his country toadvantage, that the president of the United States seriouslycontemplates taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would beacceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed people. " Atthis, his sable majesty went right into a passion and so conductedhimself, ordering the queer strangers, as he called them, taken intothe plaza and hanged, without further ceremony, that General Potterand Mr. Tickler (neither of whom could understand a word he said)set him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what it allmeant, and began to have fears for their safety. Indeed the state ofconfusion that reigned in the audience chamber came well-nighputting an end to this remarkable mission. "Pray Mr. Lawgiver, whatis the matter with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost hisunderstanding?" inquired the general. 

"It is only a freak of his; and if you would have the truth of it, Ican tell you, that he is berating these vagabond priests, who givehim no peace of his life. " Don Perez Goneti then turned to the king, and said: "If your majesty will but listen another minute, he mayhear something more pleasing, for the ambassador says he hassomething good in store. "

"Let him proceed then, " replied the king, "and if he redeem himself, the hanging shall be spared. " The general resumed, while Mr. Ticklertrembled in his boots. 

"It is come to the president's knowledge, that your majesty is inpossession of several valuable Islands, which in their presentcondition yield no revenue. Therefore he has directed me to say thathe will relieve you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses asHeaven ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majestythat the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and so longas he can get them, cares not a whit for the means!"

"May it please your majesty, this great ambassador has a mostfertile imagination, to which he adds a supple tongue. He says theevils of your reign are the natural results of the mischievousinterference on the part of the priests; and that the President ofthe United States, having resolved that this state of things shallno longer exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has ordained. " This soexasperated the king, that he swore, in the language of his country, that he verily believed the persons before him vagabonds sent by thedevil to disturb the peace of his country. Nor indeed were thepriests backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered amongthemselves that he ought to be well hanged for the slur flung attheir order. "Take these men away!" exclaimed the king in theheight of his passion, which he was saved from further betraying bythe uplifted hand of the priests; "and tomorrow morning atparrot-wink let them be well hanged in the plaza. " The king and thepriests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded GeneralPotter and his secretary that they must needs inquire what it allmeant, for their difference of tongues left a gloomy void betweenthem. And when it was explained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy theywere, they looked one at the other in consternation, and were ledaway perplexed and full of sorrow. 

CHAPTER LI. 

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY DON PEREZ GONETI PRACTISED THE DECEPTION; AND OFTHE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY OF A NEW MODE OF PUNISHING AMBASSADORS. 

WHEN it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and the guards foundgreat difficulty in keeping awake, Don Perez Goneti came to thehouse of General Potter, disguised in the robe of a priest. He foundthe general engaged over dispatches to his government, and lettersto his wife Polly; in both of which he set forth in sad and pitifulsentences, "the dire fate" that awaited him. As for Mr. Tickler, hehad not an ounce of courage left, but was nevertheless writingarticles for the seven New York newspapers, of which he wascorrespondent. According to Tickler, as set forth in these gravearticles, no greater outrage had ever been committed upon theunoffending representatives of the United States, and for which hedemanded summary vengeance. "Gentlemen! said the intruder, discovering himself, "I am Don Perez Goneti, the lawgiver! Fear not, for I come to cheer you. This king, you must know, is a great knave, and so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like myselfis not safe a day in his office. Having long meditated hisoverthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friendship in yourdistress, and to say that if you will join me in carrying out mydesign (I have a strong party at my command), we will teach thisking what it is to be a subject. By the saints, he has no goodwill toward your country, as you have seen. "

"What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must tell you thatthe very same thing has occupied my thoughts; but since I am to behanged in the morning, why there's an end to all. " Don Perez smiled, and assured the general there would be no hanging, since the kingwas a great coward, and feared the penalty of such an act. "Honestly, your excellency, he has already revoked the sentence, andsubstituted a novel but very harmless punishment, which when youhave endured, he will order you out of the country. " This cheeringnews sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, for he had beenmourning his fate, dissolved in tears; declaring at the same timethat dying in the service of ones country was not so desirable abusiness. Don Perez and the general now held a long consultation, and having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed tojoin forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez also tookcharge of their letters and dispatches, which he promised to forwardto Jollifee, a town on the coast, between which certain conspiratorskept up a communication with New York. 

Having restored the general and his secretary to a state ofhappiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they went quietly tobed, giving themselves no more trouble about the hanging, andentertaining only a slight misgiving as to the nature of thepunishment substituted. But of this they were made conscious whenmorning came. And here I venture to assert that not even the mostfamous inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so curiousa mode of punishment as that I am about to describe, and which Iseriously recommend as a cure that may be profitably applied tovagrants, idle politicians, and all such persons as live bydestroying the peace of the community. 

When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, followed by twoattendants, entered General Roger Potter's apartment, to the nosmall discomfiture of Mr. Tickler, to whose mind all the horrors ofhanging suddenly returned. "Gentlemen, " spoke one of the priests, "we are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which it haspleased our royal master to order. " "Pray, your reverence, yourroyal master had better be mindful lest this punishment cost him hiscrown. But as you are humane gentlemen, be good enough to enlightenus as to what sort of punishment his Majesty has substituted for thehanging?" inquired the now undaunted general. 

"It is enjoined that we hold our peace, " replied the priest; "but ofthe punishment you will know quick enough. " And now, when thepriests had prayed devoutly for the souls of the culprits, theyaccompanied them to a building bearing a strong resemblance to aVermont corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped "theAmbassador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained them back toback, and in this pitiful plight compelled them to sit on a hugeblock of ice, until it was dissolved. And when this punishment wasinflicted, it was ordered by the king that they be conveyed beyondthe limits of the state. "I know not what you think of thispunishment, friend Tickler, " said the general, evincing muchdiscomfiture as he took his seat "but to my mind, this beingcondemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in nowisebecomes my military position, to say nothing of my standing as aminister. "

"Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both been wellfooled, for the smart of this ingenious punishment is more than Ihave mettle to endure. " Tickler had scarce uttered this sentencewhen he began to scream at the very top of his voice; and to declarethe pain so acute that he would much prefer the hanging. 

"I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tickler, " repliedthe general, as the priests began offering them consolation, "forevery bone from the top of my head to the soul of my feet beginsyielding to the pain, which feels as if ten thousand needles wereshooting through me. "

"Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, "if your reverences will only relieveus from these torments, you may commend our souls to whom youplease, for I have no ambition but to get home. If his excellencywants to die a great martyr, I have no objection!" Here Mr. Ticklerrelapsed into a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelingsin a flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and wouldhave offered them absolution without a change of countenance. "Bearup, bear up, friend;" rejoined general Potter, "and keep in mindthat you suffer for your country's sake. It will soon be over, forthe ice melts fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that itshall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am much mistakenin your capacity as a critic. " Thus bitterly they lamented theirfate, until the severity of the pain had well nigh exhausted theirstrength, and left them in a condition which will be described inthe next chapter. 

CHAPTER LII. 

WHICH RECORDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE ICEWAS DISSOLVED. 

NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter mayappear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If anyone doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that afew seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of amerry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try theexperiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takesplace in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whommust preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of therelease. 

When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored totheir clothes, the general thanked the priests for their greatkindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event, which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, hadin no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I havegreat discernment, Tickler, " said the general, rubbing his haunches, "and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of theking will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, andI had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine. " "If yourexcellency would take my advice, " replied Tickler, "he would getspeedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should takeit into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I wouldnot give a straw for either of our lives. " An escort, mounted onmules and asses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for itwas the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up theiralls. And this being done with the assistance of the priests, theywere soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler onhis mule, ) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast, which they reached in due season, and where this remarkableplenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested, for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned, seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in realitybusying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, forgetting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betookhimself to studying the language of the country, his want of whichhe discovered had nearly cost him his life. 

While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatcheswere transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general setforth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government totake the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears ofthe senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent afool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senatorsdemanded the production of these despatches, since they had acurious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no timein complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve thereader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock ofhonor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads asfollows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama, October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. The Secretary of State for the UnitedStates. 

"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me tokeep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this, then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as youare no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph withwhich I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesycondescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as yourhonor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrantknave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughtsthat he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel wellenough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as thelight of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolvedto show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to beterrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian wealso serve God. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, Isquared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as yourhonor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desirethat I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, Imust tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than hewent right into a passion, conducting himself very like a New Yorkalderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matterworse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue'send. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, andso, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me tosit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have yourhonor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage andthe fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our countrywas all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotismboil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tellthe president that with a few sturdy fellows at my back and I hadmade short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at thisplace, where I intend remaining for some time. With greatconsideration, I remain, &c. , &c. , "ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister. "

The reading of this curious document afforded the senate no littlediversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for itdiscovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to performits offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate, though proverbially good natured, made it incumbent on theadministration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day. When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped hisfingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as iscommon with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed hissecretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yetafforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it:indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be ridof an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death'sdoor. 

The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter wassoon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against thegovernment, and had taken the field against the king and hisfollowers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of thepriests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundrydispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had madesuch movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, thegeneral had received letters advising him of the shipment of a wholecargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market. In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchantwas; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes foroverthrowing governments that had their origin in the disorderedbrain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant hadconsigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could befound to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying thecontents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General RogerPotter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea, Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession ofit, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him adollar profit. 

And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the generalflattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomaticresponsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position tohave revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fightingvagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mountedon old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who hadproclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas. 

For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also thebattle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought inmodern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter. 

CHAPTER LIII. 

WHICH DESCRIBES THE ARRIVAL OF AN ARMY OF VAGABONDS; AND HOW THEGREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS FOUGHT. 

GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himselfa great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultinglyby Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded peopleof quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, andimagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took totheir heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded asa great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less thanfive hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work oftheir poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chiefwere well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was thatGlenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more justsuch cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of. 

And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poornatives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart'scontent, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great itwas to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appearbefore him, that he might consult with them concerning variousprojects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum-mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as manymajor-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume ofbattle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, andeditors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had broughtthem to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken ofthe General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen!conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listenwith becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, andintend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offeredto our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then thatI have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and asI see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is theundertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer atus; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung andglorified in many lands. Remember that success closes maliciousmouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your witsnot blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that ofa country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns theglory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when theenemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is:"Compositum jus fasque animi, " which, seeing that you are allscholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow wewill march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick. "

The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which Iventure to assert was never excelled for originality, though manystranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to theirofficers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all theweaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether itwere better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for afool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure, promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that hisorders would be obeyed to the letter. 

And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, andlooking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during theinterview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have youropinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem aset of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment. " Whispering, with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavorabout them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet, either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they havelong been familiar with the bottle. "

"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think ofthem, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellingtonand Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keepingthese generals from making war upon one another; though you may findit difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemyappears. "

"I have them in my power, Tickler, " replied the general, giving hishead a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace betweenthemselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules ofthe service must not be broken, I will take good care that they showme that deference due to my high position. What is more, friendTickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honorof no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out ofrespect to your great learning. " Mr. Tickler shook his head, andstroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free tolavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I wouldprefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man hasfed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks, " replied Mr. Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general remindingMr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance underpoverty. 

On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, andwith Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army ofvagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfectionof their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no endof victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as evershouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take thefirst move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roostsand banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as thenoon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, thegeneral ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, tosay to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfallcame, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that thewhole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short theCommander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quitecompensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian Imust not forget to mention that the general, like a good anddiscreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that the country in advance be wellscoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come uponthem by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his armyin trim for making them dance again. 

When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage underall sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he hadlost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in rightgood earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom, " said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of ourundertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of greatlearning. "

"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only byyour men of great learning, our country will have little to boast ofin that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for thenight. "

The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, andbid him act upon it. "You must know sir, " said he, "that it is somany years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memoryneeds much refreshing on these small matters. " He also orderedBroadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of hissecretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delightof those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about thesecretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch wheredancing was to be had. 

And now when all was quiet; when the general, having seen his horsecomfortably provided for; when not even a vulture was heard croakinghis hopes of a banquet on some dead hero; and when the great and allpowerful Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army wasthrown into a state of great confusion by various voices calling outthat they had come upon the enemy, who was forming for battle. Thealarm soon found the whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give asgood as sent, though report had it that the force of the enemy wasprodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting for breath, camerushing into the commander's camp, crying at the very top of hisvoice: "General! general! for heavens sake get up and take commandof the army, for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and therewill be one of the bloodiest battles!" A clash of arms was now heardoutside, which confirmed what he said, and also sent a thrill ofterror to the heart of the great Potter, whose stock of courage wasas suddenly snuffed out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clashof arms, and then night was made terrible with divers other piercingcries common to battles of the most sanguinary character. 

Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a general tolet his army know that even an ounce of his courage had left him, hegave a turn in the sheets and was out of bed in a jiffy. He then gotinto his breeches, but not without some delay, occasioned, I amsorry to say, by divers snakes having invaded the camp and coiledthemselves peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added tothe time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he wouldtrip the toes of all who came in his way, had well-nigh incurred themost fatal consequences. "Minutes are hours, general, " spokeBroadbottom, addressing the commander; "and the slightest delay mayplay the very devil with the glory of our arms, and put an end tothe noble enterprise we are engaged in. " Hearing this from hissecond in command, the general quickened his motions and, bucklingon his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but without either coat orboots. Indeed, I here assert that history, so far as I have read, affords no instance of one so famous in war as the great Potterproceeding to take command of his army in so strange a uniform. "Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can commandan army unless he be mounted. " Broadbottom, who was a stalwarthMississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in thatstate of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost forwant of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And asmisfortunes will come upon us during the most trying moments, so wasit found on reaching old Battle that he had been suddenly seizedwith a cholic, and indeed was giving out so many proofs of hisillness that his master was unable to withhold his tears. In short, so strong was the affection General Potter bore his horse that, being a man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight aterrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned him howmuch his presence was needed on the field. "Heavens! general, " saidhe, wiping the tears from his eyes, "get you to the field without amoment's delay, sink all scientific rules, attack the enemy in frontand rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither for himor the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him into confusionand give us a victory. Take the fighting of this great battle toyourself, for I see you are a man of wonderful capacity. And if yougive the enemy a right good drubbing, depend upon it I will make theglory all your own, for it shall be recorded in more than onenewspaper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this condition. "Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for his horse, andproceeded to carry out the orders of his superior, the extraordinaryresult of which will be found in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER LIV. 

WHICH TREATS OF VARIOUS CURIOUS THINGS THAT OCCURRED WHEN THE RESULTOF THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS ANNOUNCED TO THECOMMANDER. 

MORNING dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and victory wasproclaimed by the vagabond army. And although General Potter hadbeen biting his thumbs in fear of the result, this news so restoredhis courage that he mounted his three-cornered hat and declarednothing would deter him in future from commanding in person andmaking splinters of the enemy with his own sword. 

"General!" exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rushing into the camp, "the success of our arms is complete; yes, the god of war hassmiled, and we have gained a great victory over the enemy-"

"Truly, general, " interrupted the commander-in-chief, "you deservewell. But this I can tell you, -there is nothing like one maninfusing his strength into another, which it was my good luck to dowhen directing you how to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest, has crowned our arms with glory. "

"Aye, " replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I understand this well;but if you could have commanded in person, much blood and manyvaluable lives had been spared. "

"That I am fully conscious of, " rejoined the commander; "but whenmen have prodigies to perform, two heads, if I have read right, arebetter than one. But my horse is now restored to his usual goodcondition, which, thank heaven, will afford me an opportunity ofdisplaying my valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, anaccount of the dead and wounded; as also what you have done with theprisoners. " Broadbottom was not slow in performing this service, andgave the commander such a wonderful account of the number of theenemy they had killed that he stood surprised and confounded. "Asfor the commander, " spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horseand borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had droppeda purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy. " And with anair of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained sometwenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him areturn of his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead, "resumed Broadbottom, "we have buried them in the Banana Hills, fromwhich this great battle must take its name. And as you are well readin philosophy, you will, I am sure, confess that we took the mostcertain method in disposing of the wounded; for there were someforty, and we hung every one of them. "

"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as asoldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by aknowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of theseunfortunate men-"

"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom. 

"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven aservice in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle, they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promisedus. "

"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general;but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all atliberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how theytook to their heels. " An end was put to this dialogue by thecommander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, ashe said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them fortheir valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account ofthe wonderful exploits each had performed, -all of which wereproceeded with to his entire satisfaction. 

When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who wasnot a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. Andthough they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogetherpresented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had hein all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But thiscompliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, werewell-nigh splitting their sides with laughter. 

"Now, Broadbottom, " said he, when they returned to the camp, "as theguard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without gettingany tidings of him, and a report of this great battle isimperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who canperform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commanderthat there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman ofmuch learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. "And he is skilled in making such reports, " said he, "for I canswear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thingexactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more thanone New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of themost signal defeats. " Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-lookingman, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander, who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers beingsatisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports, which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowingdescriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, andwhich, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New Yorkdance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love forlatin, " said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them ahuge quantity of it. " And this so satisfied the great Potter of hisbeing a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that hegave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded bytelling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted. 

When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a specialbearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken fromthe enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands ofhis wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he wasengaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at thehead of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certaintysoon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she mightcirculate among the neighbors. 

And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the readerwill not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a jokepractised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged thewhole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting thepurse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in bya scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor nativeson their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of theirall. 

Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that, feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night againfound him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reachedon the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted throughdeserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have madesuch shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although thegeneral would have it that the mission of his army was to reform thenation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake. 

Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted himto the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only twohundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had everbeen his good fortune to know. The general found this army encampedwithin two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wiselykept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrelshad afforded them the means of activity necessary to the goodcondition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they weredaily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in theperfection of an army of extermination. And now that these twowonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves tothe exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. Infine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain ofcompliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world ingeneral, and for themselves in particular. And while all theseceremonies were being performed to the great delight of therecipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts'content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying theirinclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continuedplundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seenin their yards nor a banana in their fields. 

Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left toriot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining GeneralPotter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with aconfused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of theguard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report, that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in theoutskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of thewindows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outpostswe approached to the very window, and looking in discovered elevenpriests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard themdiscussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. Andafter praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, andsaying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when theyhad gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees, commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. Andthis I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it isimpossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged ouroverthrow. " Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests, their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and theircountenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched intothe camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and havebrought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, makinga bow as he withdrew. 

The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men was indeedenough to have enlisted sympathy in their behalf. An end was thusput to the banquet, and Don Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners, in a peremptory manner, what they had to say for themselves. Onemore aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as itwas their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence to the GreatMaster, so also would they remain true to their king; nor would theycrave mercy, since "God protected the right. " It must here bementioned that the two commanders formed themselves into a court, and sat in judgment upon these holy men; while the rest cared not awhit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that you havebeen guilty of conspiracy, " spoke Don Perez Goneti, "which meansthat you have merited the halter, which I order you at daylight inthe morning; and may the devil take care of you until then, so getto your beads. " The guards now marched them away in solemnprocession. No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, whohad at first commended this sentence, turned to his compatriot, andwith an air of much anxiety, said: "Pray do not let it be said thatI question the justice of your judgment, but I would have you takeheed how you hang priests, for being invested with a holiness theunrighteous cannot understand, I am told they have revengefulspirits, which will come back, and not only come back and haunt uswherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as to seal ourdownfall. "

"Aye, and there you are right, " rejoined Goneti, "for to my ownknowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a priest hung, and his spiritcame back and so haunted the kingdom, that it has not prosperedsince. "

"You see then that I have looked well into the thing, and offer yousound logic;" resumed the ready Potter. "Hear me, sir! for I have abetter punishment in my head. Spare these holy men the hanging, andlet each be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal'shinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, let it beordered that they ride three hours during the day, for not less thanten days, making a circle in the plaza, and offering up such prayersas our souls may stand in need of. " This so delighted Don Gonetithat he marvelled at the breadth of his compatriot's intellect, andnot only set him down for a man of prodigious resources, but at oncefell in with his opinion, forthwith issuing an order that it becarried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER LV. 

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE PRIESTS BORE THE PUNISHMENT; AND ALSO ADESCRIPTION OF THE EVER-MEMORABLE BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE. 

WITH great reverence be it said of the priests, that they didpenance, mounted after the style ordered in the foregoing chapter, for many days and with such fortitude as gained them the good willof many of their enemies in war. "The height of our perfection ingrace, " said one of the priests, as his ass went the round of thecircle, "may be measured by the ease with which we can humbleourselves. And while we are chanting to these filthy fellows, let usnot despair, but commend ourselves to heaven, praying that it willso ordain that our country be soon rid of this scourge; for thoughthese fellows make promises enough with their lips, their hearts arefull of treachery. "

"Heaven help me!" exclaimed another, "for I am not accustomed tothis punishment, and bear it with a tribulation I would thank heavento be relieved from. " In short, though they bore the punishment withremarkable fortitude, these ring performances were in no very highfavor with them. Itching then for a chance to escape, and takingadvantage of a moment one day when the "allied forces" (generalsincluded, ) were fast asleep, they clapped heels to their asses, andcoursing down the road at full speed, were soon safe within thetown, where high-mass was offered up for their deliverance, thoughnot a word was lisped concerning the asses, which they wisely keptas an offset to their sufferings. And now when the allied generalsawoke from their slumbers, and found the priests gone, they took itgrievously to heart; for while they could ill afford to lose theasses, the priests would be sure to give the enemy such informationas would be of great advantage to him. 

A day passed and both armies were seen preparing for battle. But asneither had the smallest piece of artillery, and but a shabbydisplay of cavalry mounted on lean asses, General Potter consoledhimself that a victory could be gained without any great display ofgeneralship: in short that, being commander in chief, it was onlynecessary for him to retire to a safe distance, where, like thefamous Persian warrior, he could look serenely on while the armiesbattered each other to their heart's content. 

It was early one bright morning then that a report spread throughthe allied camp, announcing the near approach of the enemy. Trueenough, the army was distinctly seen, advancing at a rapid pace, theKing at its head, mounted on a mule, and surrounded by at least ascore of priests mounted on lean asses. And so numerous was theKing's army that the very hills around Nezub seemed black withmoving figures. Seeing how matters stood the allied generals quicklymounted their steeds; and equally quick was the army in order andimpatient for battle. And when the enemy had advanced near enough tolet his teeth be seen, he halted. It was now evident that botharmy's were weighing the terrible consequences that were to resultfrom this great battle, for they stood for some time making grimacesat each other, very like New York aldermen. Then sundry horns beganto sound, and drums to beat. And this, strange as it may seem tothose of my readers who may have admired the general good qualitiesof this singularly faithful animal, so disturbed old Battle'sequanimity that he made several attempts to bring his master to theground: indeed he became so fractious that the general again foundit necessary to resign the honor of fighting this great battle toDon Perez Goneti, since the management of his horse was quite enoughfor the head of any one general. The reserve of the Kaloramas nowappeared in the distance, emerging from every conceivable point, andsending up such yells as would have sent terror to the heart ofanything but a vagabond army. And while the reserves shouted in thedistance, the line opened fire upon the allied army, the generals ofwhich were giving out such a confusion of orders as would havebewildered the most experienced soldiers. Not a hair did thevagabond army budge, but returned the enemy's fire with such vigorthat his whole line was speedily in disorder. Charges and retreatswere now kept up with wonderful spirit on the part of the vagabonds, though not a single dead body ornamented the field, which was sayingno little, considering that this great battle was to decide the fateof a kingdom. And when I inform the reader that cries, groans, andpiercing imprecations mingled with the clash of arms, and gave theconflict an air of ferocity it would be impossible to describe, thekindly feature of its result, which I am about to describe, willappear the more astounding. 

Notwithstanding Commander Potter kept at a safe distance from thebullets, his horse, Battle, took it into his head to play him a veryshabby trick, and which my love for the truth of history constrainsme to record. Wonderful then as it may seem to those experienced inwar, this little prank of the faithful steed ended the term of hisown life and, as if by a miracle, gave the victory to the allies. And it was done in this manner. A bountiful providence, as ifforeseeing the sanguinary character of the struggle that was to takeplace on this spot, had provided it with a quag-mire of considerabledepth, and so covered its surface with soft, green moss, as toconceal its real character. It was on the margin of this mire thenthat General Potter took up his position; and just in the veryhottest of the battle, a bee chanced that way in search of flowers, and lighting just under old Battle's tail, so goaded him with itssting that he sprang forward, and then halted with such a suddenmotion as to vault the general over his head, and into the mire, hishead and three-cornered hat only remaining above the surface. Havingserved his master this shabby trick, old Battle took to his heels, and dashing down the enemy's lines, sent such a thrill of terror tothe hearts of the superstitious Kaloramas as made them scamper fordear life. In truth they fancied him the pale horse of the devil, sooften described to them by the priests. Dashing onward withincreased speed and wildness, the bewildered animal ran with greatforce upon the King's mule, prostrating animal and rider dead uponthe ground, and, in sorrow and tears do I record it, breaking hisown neck. Thus was the interposition of providence displayed in allits bounties, and an end put to a battle which, had it continued, there is no estimating the consequences. As it was, the King, oldBattle, and the mule alone paid the penalty of their temerity, andlay dead upon the field. Thus ended the great battle of the Miracle. 

CHAPTER LVI. 

WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AFTER THE GREATBATTLE OF THE MIRACLE WAS DECIDED; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARRELAROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA. 

"FAITH, gentlemen, " said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, hisattendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from thefrog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bitbruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to myuniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trustyanimal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me thisdirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness. " Andwhile a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, thegeneral was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment soaltered his appearance that when his generals came to announce theresult of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until hespoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing onbut his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced tohim the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to hisfeet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less thana miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands tohis belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle waspreserved to me for a great purpose. "

"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so, " replied Broadbottom, taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty toinform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford youconsolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule. "This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficultyrestrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat forseveral minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy. "You must remember, general, " replied Goneti, with a flourish of hissword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms. "

"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse, " said theCommander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident Ineed not describe here, deprived you of the great service I hadintended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by myhorse, then by all all the rules of war, I am entitled to a largeshare of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen;and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and sopeace be with him. "

Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkleof mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. Andif it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of theMiracle!"

"Faith, general, " rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way ofthinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct himhow to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so thatthe whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears. "Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who atonce complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood, on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever wonby mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that hewas nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was nota whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoinedwhat to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldierbetook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles. As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatchesto Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of aCommander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between histhumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships, since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about withtwo or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protectthem. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although anexcellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in hisdiscretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a lesscredulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under thesame circumstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints thatnot only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, butkilled with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's bestgenerals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail. 

And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put thepriests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elatedat gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possessionof Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasantamusements as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, andpillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strangeapathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians anexcellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after whichthey vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. Intruth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed somefamiliar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turnedto look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all therecollections of childhood. 

The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formedtheir army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordancewith the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched anofficer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found itdeserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave tracesof their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them withcrosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, forwant of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placinghimself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowingof horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that nogreater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army hadnot been in possession of the town more than an hour when a greatquarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti, touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to takepossession of the king's palace; both asserted their claims inlanguage and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered hisfollowers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when theywere about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords, (having given the army an incentive to disorder, ) Stoneheartinterposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselvessovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called tosettle the question. 

I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his claim on theground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdomout of the king's fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear inmind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary tothe carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served toincrease Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted with greatforce that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by theNew York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to saynothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen, becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietlyto bed, and left this great question to be settled among theirgenerals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn ofmind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angrydiscussion, concluded with calling one another such namesas-"robber, " "ruffian, " "coward. " In fact each general had such alonging for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a raretalent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could havebrought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And thiswas to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering theKalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of theiritching to recover the kingdom. 

And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army, with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heedto the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger ShermanPotter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect tohis humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentlemanwho could afford soldiers so much diversion. 

Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation ofpopular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, andhaving called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in whichhe made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was morethan a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemensoldiers, " he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over thiskingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I wouldhave you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow mustnot take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it isenough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens lookto their own doors. " Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter thathe was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration. 

After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever theycould find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder inthe treasury, ) the ruler had an account of this wonderfultransformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it mightbe published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deepinterest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizinghis cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that inorder to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of apriest) ambassador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, thestrangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption, would be of great service in recommending him to our good naturedpresident. 

Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of hiscabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner:"Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less rulerover this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put anend to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shallmark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the smalloffices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challengeno man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take careof the little he has got; but if you would find favor with thepeople, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn onhow you can best serve them. And as the nation is without atreasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which, heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend notyour ears to every man's whisper; for if you do the nation willsuffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderateyour longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings muchevil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to yourconceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things ofyou to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. Asfor myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me andmy people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the peoplewill say: 'Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler. ' And now, let every man to his office. "

With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in anyhistory heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet. 

The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the verysensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address, to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nationwas well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. Theytherefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs andclay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great rulercontemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed overthe country in search of plunder. 

And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governinga nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses, which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within ahair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the factthat no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day. And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the readerwill find faithfully recorded in the next chapter. 

CHAPTER LVII. 

TREATING OF HOW THE RULER WAS CARRIED OFF INTO CAPTIVITY ON A MULE, ACCOMPANIED BY DIVERS PRIESTS. 

WHEN night was come, and disorder reigned throughout the camp of theallies; when both generals and men were making night jubilant withtheir carousing, a cry broke forth in Nezub that the town wassurprised by the enemy. A scene of the wildest confusion now ensued;midnight was made terrible by the howling of dogs, the beating ofdrums, the tramp of horses, and the clatter of fire-arms. Suddenlyit was discovered that the town was in flames; and such was theterror excited in the hearts of the allied vagabonds that they tookto their heels and scampered away like sensible men. 

And here I am constrained to record, without the slightestdisparagement to my ruler, that having drank three punches before heretired to bed, he was disturbed of his slumbers by seven priests, who came rushing into his chamber, and without so much as giving himtime to put on his breeches, dragged him forth in his shirt, andhaving mounted him on a mule, hurried him out of town at full speed. "The fates have gone against me, " said General Potter, musing tohimself as he rode silently along on his mule, accompanied by thepriests, similarly mounted, but not in their shirts. "But a fewhours since, I was measuring the exact dimensions of my glory. Faithof my father! I felt the kingdom as safe between my fingers as needbe; and here I am riding a mule for the diversion of these fellowsin black gowns; which is an unparalleled discourtesy to a ruler ofmy standing. " Turning to the priests, he addressed them thus: "Asyou are good and holy men, may I pray that you will respect myposition as ruler of this kingdom. Nor do I think it becomes you totrifle thus with my dignity: therefore give me one of your gowns, for the curious figure I am cutting becomes neither of us. And asyou owe a duty to heaven, give me raiment, and tell me whither youcarry me. " The priests made no answer, but whipping up their mulescontinued on their journey until they reached a grove of palm-trees, some four miles from Nezub, where they halted. And having lightedtorches, which threw a curious glow over the foliage, and investedthe scene with an air of deep solemnity, they put General Potter onhis trial, preparatory to which he was ordered to sit upon theground, while the most aged of the priests took a seat upon thetrunk of a tree. 

First, they inquired of him what he had to say touching theirpunishment in riding the asses in the plaza, which grievouslywounded their feelings. "As to the asses, gentlemen, " replied RulerPotter, "they, I take it, are emblematic of penitence, which I amsure your reverences ought not be ashamed of, since if my memoryserves me right, (and it is good enough to trust on such matter, ) Ihave read somewhere in Scripture that the apostles rode asses, andwere not ashamed. "

"Aye, " replied the venerable priests, "but that was so long ago, andbears so little resemblance to our case, that it will not serve as aprecedent. Heading a band of vagrants in pursuit of plunder, youhave overrun our country, caused the death of our good king, andmade the priesthood to be scoffed at, which is a crime meritingdeath. Having set yourself up for a ruler adds no small injury tothe insults you have already inflicted upon this kingdom; wetherefore condemn you to death, and are resolved to see you hangedon one of these trees at six in the morning. " The general essayed tospeak in reply to this sentence, but the priests bid him hold hispeace, and join them in preparing his soul for heaven. And forthwiththey commenced chanting prayers over him; but as their prayers werein Latin, not one word could he understand. Instead, however, ofbemoaning his fate, as the reader may be prepared to expect, thecondemned betook himself to mourning the loss of his kingdom, anddevising means to regain it. He was also not a little puzzled toknow what road his graceless army had taken, for he knew in hisheart, they would lose no time in getting safely out of the country. In truth he began to curse the day he took command of Glenmoregain'sarmy; for though he might have been a good enough gentleman himself, and have a praiseworthy liking for kingdoms, his army was made up ofarrant rascals, who treated their commander as if he were a fool, had no fear of the devil, and deserved hanging. 

While then the priests were chanting prayers for his soul, his mindwas also occupied with these lines: "The funeral train, with theruler came, And passing slowly through the grove; Dropped tears ofsorrow As honored they lay him in his lonely grave. " Then thepriests became oppressed for want of sleep; and in short were soovercome with the fatigue of their ride that, having tied theirmules to trees, they stripped off their gowns, and, convinced intheir own minds that the prisoner would not attempt to escape in hisshirt, (or if he did, that his want of raiment was proof against anyone taking him in), they stretched themselves down upon the ground, and were soon fast asleep. 

Now, notwithstanding General Potter still fancied himself ruler overKalorama, he felt that his head was quite as well on his ownshoulders, for there was his wife Polly, and three children, who, for aught he knew to the contrary might stand much in need of aportion of his spoils, which as yet had been small indeed. Hetherefore got quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gownof a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reaching thehigh-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full speed towardJolliffee, confident that he would overtake or get some tidings ofhis straying army on the road. When he had got some three miles overthe road, he turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, andsaid: "To the devil with you, Mister Priests, for General Potterowes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. See what it is toleave until morning a job you should have done at night!"

CHAPTER LVIII. 

IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND MUCH THAT IS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING. 

WHEN morning came, and the priests were awakened by the singing ofbirds and the chattering of monkeys (as if in derision at theirsloth), they no sooner discovered their great loss than they set toberating each another right soundly; not because they cared a whitfor what evil the fellow could do, but that, having set their heartson the hanging, it only grieved them to find that they had lost soexcellent an opportunity of thus skilfully paying the scamp off forhis tricks. "Let us preserve peace between us, for perhaps it isordained of heaven!" said the venerable priest, with great solemnityof countenance. "And remember, brothers, we have made Jose Farinoking, and have much need to join him, and lend him our aid indriving these vagabonds out of the country. " Much debate was had onthis question, which, however, resulted in an agreement to firstpursue and recapture the condemned. So after they had refreshedthemselves, and offered up prayer for the success of theirundertaking, they mounted their mules and set off at full speed. Butas is too often the case with them when over-anxious to get sinnersto heaven, they forgot to look for the footprints, and gallopedtheir mules in the wrong direction, and there we must leave them. 

Being scrupulous of the character which my hero shall maintain forstrict honesty, I here enjoin the reader to remember thecircumstances under which General Roger Potter, ruler over allKalorama, was constrained to commit a theft so small as that of themule and the priest's gown. Life is sweet with the greatest heroes;and let no man question the means by which they seek to preserve ituntil he has felt the halter about his own neck. 

Know then, that while the priests were pursuing their blind way, eager for a victim, the retreating ruler, being hungry and anxious, was entering the cabin of a poor peasant woman, having travelledsome twenty miles on the road without stopping. No sooner did thepoor woman see him than she fell upon her knees, crossed herself andbegan saying her beads. In short she paid reverence to him in somany ways that he became alarmed lest she go mad with joy; for beingclad in the garb of a priest, and in his bare feet, she mistook himfor one of those good and holy men who go over the countryrenouncing the vanities of the world, and setting an example toothers by the terrible penance paid with the soles of their feet. And when she had paid him reverence to her satisfaction, she bid herchildren provide fodder for his mule, for she saw the animal was ina lather and seriously jaded. "Madam, I am General Roger Potter, ruler over this nation. Being in pursuit of my army, pray tell me ifyou have seen it straying this way;" spoke the general, withbecoming courtesy. But as neither could understand a word the othersaid, matters became singularly confused, and to all the general'squestions, the good woman would answer by placing her hands to herbosom, looking heavenward with appealing sweetness, and whispering:"Holy virgin!"

"Faith of my mother!" exclaimed the general, as he concealed thecondition of his legs with the priest's gown, "I am not the personshe takes me for-that's certain!" Soon she brought water and washedhis feet, combed and perfumed his beard (which was excessivelydirty), and indeed bestowed so many little kindnesses that his heartwas moved, and he not only shed tears, but said within himself:"Honestly, it is better to have peace and comfort in a cabin likethis (for the smiles of this good woman seem to have much of heavenin them), than to rule king over a nation, and live in a palace whenthere is no safety against being hanged. Truly, I begin to feel thatmy ambition has made me a great fool. " In washing his feet, the goodwoman discovered the true condition of his raiment, though it was bythe merest accident. The good man, she said within herself, has inhis anxiety to do penance forgotten to arrange his robes. In thetenderest manner, then, she brought him the breeches and doublet ofher dead husband, for whose soul she beseeched him to pray. Theapplication of the garments he readily understood; but for theprayers, the good woman had to accept the will for the deed. 

To afford his reverence an opportunity of arranging his clothes, thegood woman proceeded to the garden and filled her basket withplantain for his breakfast. Much as the general stood in need ofshoes, he sat himself down for a most fortunate gentleman in beingable to procure even such raiment; for, said he, what a figure Iwould cut entering Jolliffee on a mule, and in the hat and gown of apriest. When, therefore, he had breakfasted on plantain and yams, towhich a dish of coffee was added, he returned thanks to the goodwoman, and fearing the priests might be in pursuit of him, bid heran affectionate adieu, mounted his mule, and proceeded on hisjourney. 

Travelling all day under a burning sun, he found the priest's hat ofgreat service in protecting his brain, which otherwise would havedissolved. When night came he was more than six leagues fromJolliffee, and his mule being much jaded, and himself fatigued, hedrew up by the road-side, in a grove of palms, beneath which aspring of crystal water gushed forth and rippled away over thepebbly bottom. The mule having quenched its thirst, the generalseated himself beside the spring; and when he had refreshed himselfon some crusts and water, gave himself up to contemplation. And theperfect stillness that pervaded the grove (for not a sound washeard, and even the mule seemed to have an instinctive knowledge ofhis master's musings, for he baited cautiously of the young grass)gave to his revery a melancholy turn. His forlorn condition; themany sudden and unforseen misfortunes that had come upon him; thenarrow escapes for his life; the many times he had almost dangled atthe limb of a tree; and the unnumbered batterings and bruisings hehad got while displaying his "military valor"-all flashed across hismind, as if stretched upon a clearly defined panorama, and causedhim to heave a deep sigh. What compensation had he got for all thesesufferings, which were the result of his ambition? And the answercame to him with the suddenness of lightning-"Ruler over Kalorama, for a day. " "Heaven be with me, " he sighed; "for now my poverty isperfect. And who would envy my fate, here in a desert, without afriend, and in the raiment of a priest, which if I cast off I shalllook like a clown, which will not do for the man who has ruled akingdom. Therefore, I say, seeing that it is good to be an honestman, that if heaven spare me and get me safely out of this snare, Iwill go to my home, and there live so good a man that the neighborsshall say, Roger Potter is a Christian. Faith of my father, I beginto have a hate for these rogues of rulers, and would give a dozenkingdoms of the size of Kalorama to be safe beside my good wifePolly. And resolved am I to get to her, so heaven favor myinclinations, and let not death overtake me on the way. As for myemployer, if he still persist in gratifying his love for gettingkingdoms, why, he can get him another general, for there is no lackof them. Truly, I have had trials enough in his service, and if hesay I have not killed enough of the enemy, I can tell him that thecommander who can boast of his clean sword is your true hero. Iconfess, he sent me rascals enough to destroy the morals of a dozenkingdoms or more; but what matters that when I have not a dollar inmy pocket to buy shoes to my feet; and even the paltry sum hepromised has never seen the way to my pocket. I swear, then, to giveup all these longings, and, though stripped of my coat, get speedilyto my home, comfort my family, and live like a man. "

The forlorn general was interrupted in these reveries by a rustlingnoise in the bushes. And fearing he might have been discovered byrobbers (for he knew they infested that part of the country), hedrew up his mule and was about to mount and be off. But a femalevoice suddenly struck up a song, which rang silvery through thegrove, and in such sweet cadences that the very trees seemedenchanted. Pausing, the general stood as if bound in admiration, whilst the priest's gown dropped from his shoulders, unfortunatelyleaving him in his doublet and breeches. Looking in the direction ofthe music, he espied emerging from a cluster of bushes, and trippinggaily towards him, two young persons he would have sworn werelovers, for the man had his arm about the waist of the damsel, agirl just in the bud of womanhood, who looked lovingly into hisface, as she sang for his entertainment. I may mention that she wasof what novel-writers call medium size, with features exquisitelyregular, eyes ravishingly black, and a deep olive complexion, whichthough charms enough for one, were enhanced by tresses of black, silky hair, that fell down below her waist. 

The touching sweetness of the song cheered the general's heart, andwas like a gleam of sunshine lighting up the dark and adverse eventsof his life. The singer and her companion suddenly stopped, and asthe thrills of her song died away among the whispering branches, they stood gazing fixedly at the newly discovered object in thegrove. As the man was not dressed in the garb common to the country, General Roger Potter resolved within himself not to give way to hisfears, as perhaps he might be a soldier of his retreating army. While the lovers, on the other hand, were not a little puzzled as tothe true character of the strange figure before them; for while hewore on his head the hat of a priest, his breeches and doublet werethose of a mountebank. "Heavenly, stranger, if you be not an enemy, you can render me great service. And as I stand in much need of foodand raiment, draw near that I may commend myself to you ;" spoke thegeneral. And so perfect was the stillness of the grove that thewords were distinctly echoed to the lovers. Indeed, the man was seento express surprise and astonishment. But if he was astonished, thegeneral stood confounded when he saw his arms fall from the damsel'swaist, and heard the echo of these words, in return: "Heavens! if myears do not deceive me, it is our general's voice. "

"Aye, I am General Roger Potter, recently ruler over this kingdom, "returned the general, in a trembling voice, for he was still morebewildered. 

"And yet, " rejoined he with the damsel, "it cannot be our general, for he is dressed in the garb of a clown; and may the devil get meif I think he would dress in that style, though it were to get himsafe out of the country. " Having said this, he was seen to leave thegirl sitting upon the trunk of a tree, and to advance a few pacestowards the figure in the strange dress. He then paused, and after asearching glance, quickened his pace, and then at the very top ofhis speed, ran into the other's arms, crying, "general! general! mygood master, let our meeting here be set down for a miracle, for Ihave much need to ask your forgiveness. "

"Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, releasing his hold ofthe mule and embracing the stranger, "Tickler, my faithfulsecretary! is it you?

"Me, and nobody else!" rejoined the stranger, who was no less aperson than the lost secretary. History affords no record of agreeting between a great general and his secretary half soenthusiastic as that which took place on this occasion. Both werenearly affected to tears; and so anxious were they to relate whathad befallen them since they parted, that it seemed as if they couldnot wait another minute. In short, when one began to speak the otherwould interrupt, impatient lest he forget something of particularinterest. Like sensible gentlemen, feeling that they were too muchovercome by the meeting, they agreed to postpone the account oftheir exploits, and proceed at once to the house of Angelio'sparents; for that was the name of the damsel who accompanied Ticklerthrough the grove. "It is but half a league from this, " saidTickler, "and as they are poor, but honest people, you will bewelcome under their roof, and get such refreshment as I see youstand much in need of. " Seeing this friendly meeting between herlover and the stranger, Angelio tripped lightly to where they stood, and with a smile of childlike innocence lighting up her sweet face, held out her hand in token of her friendship. And when the generalhad acknowledged this with his usual courtesy, she blushed, andshook her head, and placed her right hand to her heart, which washer mute but forcible reply, for not a word of the tongue in whichhe spoke could she understand. 

"And now, general, " spoke the critic, "let me lead the mule, and doyou accompany Angelio, for I remember your gallantry. " Just as thiswas bringing to life all that vanity for which the general hasdistinguished himself throughout this history, Mr. Ticklercontinued: "But pray, how comes it that your excellency is dressedin this strange garb?" Suddenly discovering the condition he was in, he picked up the gown, had it about him in a trice, and was foroffering no end of apologies, which Tickler put an end to byassuring him, that although Angelio's blushes were all the resultsof innocence, she was by no means prudish. And now, having gothimself safely rolled up in the priest's gown, the general gallantlyproceeded with Angelio to her father's house, followed by thecritic, leading the mule. And for what took place when they arrivedat that humble abode, the reader is referred to the next chapter. 

CHAPTER LIX. 

WHICH RELATES A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THEYREACHED THE HOUSE OF ANGELIO'S PARENTS. 

As it would be impossible to describe, within the limits to which Iam bound as writer of this history, the many curious things thattook place when they reached the home of Angelio, I must contentmyself by stating that the general was cordially received by heraged parents, who set before him the best fare their humblecondition afforded, such being the custom of the country. They alsohastened to provide for his mule. In short, nothing was left undonethat could in any way add to the comfort of man and beast; andthough their cabin was built of logs and reeds, more perfecthappiness was not to be found under any roof. When then, the generalhad refreshed himself, Angelio sung to him, brought him flowers, took his hand in her own, and so cheered his drooping spirits thathe forthwith commenced, and gave Mr. Tickler an account of all thathad befallen him since they parted, not even forgetting to mentionthe death of old Battle, and the wonderful exploit by which it wasbrought about; all of which has been truthfully recorded, and neednot be repeated here. And when he was finished, he requested Mr. Tickler to give him an account of how he came to be so comfortablysituated. "Honestly, your excellency, " replied Mr. Tickler, "thoughit cannot be said of me that I have faults as a critic, I confess tohave weaknesses which are strong in the nature, as it is called; andthese weaknesses run to making love, which is a passion with me. "

"Pray, sir, " interrupted the general, with a nod, "remember that menof your profession cannot lay exclusive claim to this, for it iscommon to the soldier, and indeed the very best proof of hisgallantry. "

"That may be, " resumed the critic, "I know but little of soldiering;though give me the pen and I can fight a good stroke. Seeing thatyou were bent on having a war, which I saw would result in no end ofbloody battles. 'Orlando Tickler, ' said I to myself, 'to them thatlikes with the war, and do you keep at a safe distance; for whenswords are clashing there's no knowing one minute where a man's headmay be the very next. ' So while your excellency was surrounded byyour generals, and had all your thoughts fixed on conquering thekingdom, I rode my mule into the very grove where we met, intendingthere to spend the night, proceed to Jolliffee in the morning, andseek my way home as best I could. In truth, I felt my povertypinching, and I was hungry. "

"Two human ills no amount of courage can overcome, " rejoined thegeneral, with a patronizing bow. 

"It was midnight when I fell asleep, having quenched my thirst, atthe spring; but the thought of home seriously disturbed my slumbers. However, as morning advanced, I got into a deep sleep, from which Iawoke when the sun was up; and hearing the voice of Angelio, whichfloated soft and sweetly through the grove, as she sang a plaintivesong, I fancied myself transported into a fairy land. Now, I musttell you that this innocent girl, as I am told by a priest, and knowof myself, had a lover who died not long since, and was buried inthis grove, at the foot of a palm-tree. And so strong was heraffection for him, that she regularly paid her devotions at hisgrave. The hour chosen for giving this proof of her grief beingearly morning, she would pluck wild flowers, fresh with dew, andscatter them over his grave, which was all that heaven had spared toheal her wounded heart. She was on one of these errands of devotion, then, when we met. And here I must tell you, that notwithstanding mymule was gone, she was so surprised at seeing me, that to preserveher innocence she would have run terrified to her home, had it notbeen that I made such signs as convinced her I was no enemy. As hercourage returned, I approached cautiously, and soon had thesatisfaction to see her sit down upon the trunk of a fallen tree, where we met as hearts moved by true sympathy only can meet. As shespoke in Spanish, I could not understand a word she said; nor couldshe understand me; but as kindness begets kindness, it soon came topass that our affections flowed in one stream; and though thegushing was rapid, it seemed as if the fountain would never dry. 

"It may surprise you not a little that this was brought about sosuddenly; but if your excellency was as well skilled in these loveaffairs as he is in directing a great battle, he would have notrouble in understanding it. "

"Faith! and I have had some experience in these matters, as my wifePolly can tell you. "

"Well, " resumed Tickler, "I wiped the tears from her eyes, kissedand kissed her blushing cheeks; and, in truth, offered her so manyproofs of my sincerity, that she returned it with three-foldinterest. Then she led me to the cabin of her parents, who gave me awarm welcome, and have ever since strove to make my happinesscomplete. And now, to shorten the story, I will just tell yourexcellency, that having given such proofs of our affections as nonecould mistake, a priest was called in, and we were married on thevery next morning. And as you will see that Angelio is possessed ofcharms no critic could possibly resist, I will say here, that fromthat hour nothing has occured to mar the bright stream of our love, except that Angelio still continues to strew the grave of her firstlover with flowers. "

"Upon my honor, as a soldier, sir, I never was more delighted in mylife. And as the word of a critic is not to be doubted, I take whatyou say for truth, and am not surprised that you choose thisdelightful enjoyment in preference to mixing up in the affairs ofwar, " spoke the general, as Mr. Tickler concluded his story. "Butpray tell me, sir, have you no tidings of my army?" the generalinquired, in a manner so confused as to show that his thoughts hadbeen wandering to his military exploits. "Having lost my kingdom, itwould be some relief to know which way my army has strayed. "

"That I was going to speak of, but it escaped me. You must know, then, that a priest came in a few days ago, (and he is no liar!) andreported that 'these vagabonds, ' meaning your excellency's army, were scattered all over the country, and were in a sad plight, manyof them dying of hunger. "

"Good enough for them!" replied the general, to Mr. Tickler's utterastonishment. "And if every general be not hanged before he gets outof the country, then you may set it down that the devil is on theirside; for it was by their disorders I lost my kingdom. "

"What! and has your excellency given up the command of his army?"

"Honestly, friend Tickler, though I have a rare talent forcommanding, I would defy the devil to keep order in this army sentme by Glenmoregain. As for the kingdom, I resign that like anhonorable man: and if this ambitious gentleman wants it still, lethim employ another general, for I am resolved to get home wherepeace reigns, and I can go to bed without fear of being hanged inthe morning. Yes, sir, I am resolved to wash my hands of all thesevanities, and employ whatever means will carry me quickest out ofthe country. "

"By the saints, general, it has never been my good fortune to hearyou talk so sensible. And if you will just come into the garden youshall know more of my inclinations in this matter. " They now salliedout into the garden and took seats beneath some pomegranate trees, the night being clear, and the moon shedding a bright light over thelandscape. Feeling sure no one would overhear him, Mr. Tickler saidto the general: "I would have you know, sir, that nothing would sogrieve me as to break faith with my Angelio. But how can a manbrought up to the excitements of New York life content himself in adesert, where there is neither opera nor balls to go to? And thoughmy love for Angelio knows no bounds, there are damsels at home forwhom I have a curious longing. Since, then, you are resolved to getout of the country, I will give it out that I am resolved toaccompany you to Jolliffee, promising to return when I have seen yousafe on your journey. And when we are there, seeing that it will beno difficult matter for Angelio to get another lover, I will keepyour excellency company to New York. "

"Honestly, friend Tickler, " replied the general, "I see you are agreat rogue, and no exception to your calling. Albeit, if you chooseto leave so kind a damsel, and have no fear of her heart and yourown reputation, why, so let it be. " And now, scrupulously as Irespect the high honor which rules among critics in general, my lovefor truth constrains me here to record, notwithstanding it may doserious damage to the literary reputation of this history, that thiscolloquy ended with arranging a plan by which Mr. Tickler was tobetray Angelio, and leave her the wreck of a broken heart. 

For three days, then, did General Potter enjoy the hospitalities ofthis humble cottage, Angelio cutting up the priest's gown and makingit into raiment, which she saw he stood much in need of. Shelikewise busied herself in preparing food for their refreshment onthe road, for the husband in whom she placed so much trust, andwhose promise, as conveyed to her by the priest, she held as sacred, had discovered to her his intention to bear the general company asfar as Jolliffee. Early on the following morning, then, havingcompleted their arrangements, Mr. Tickler kissed and took a fondleave of his Angelio, mounted his mule, and left her, never toreturn. In another minute they were coursing down the road on theirjourney, Angelio and her parents offering up prayers for theirsafety. 

CHAPTER LX. 

THE LAST AND MOST CURIOUS CHAPTER IN "THIS EVENTFUL HISTORY. "

MANY strange and unforeseen events have overtaken and seriouslydamaged the prospects of various great monarchs, and indeed nippedtheir career in the very bud. At least, so it is written in history. But I venture to assert, that never until the history of GeneralRoger Sherman Potter was given to the world, could there be foundany record of a great monarch who had ruled supreme over a kingdom, won battles such as mankind never had dreamed of, and indeed gainedso much glory that every general in the nation was envious of it, escaping, on a mule, from the country he had conquered, and leavinghis army to the devil and the enemy. Your exacting critic may say, there is Napoleon! But I would have him bear in mind, that whileNapoleon sent terror to the very heart of nations, the presence ofGeneral Potter was a sign of feasting and merriment, which thingsare blessings, mankind stand much in need of. 

But why do I thus give way to my giddy brain? Why, too, should Ithus rudely abandon my hero when on his return to the land where hedrew his first breath, carrying with him no less than a multitude oflaurels? Nay! though my few remaining locks are silvered with thefrosts of four-score winters, and my almost palsied hand refuses torender me further service, I will not thus leave him to his fate. Having been ruler over Kalorama, I am sensitive of his virtues, andwould give the world rather than have him damage his reputation. Toenter New York, then, with his glories yet moist upon his garments, and give himself up to the follies of those who follow the trade ofsetting up heroes, would be to consign himself to an oblivion no manneed envy. Being of a humane turn, I am resolved this shall not be, though it were necessary to invoke the power of the saints toprevent it. 

In resuming, then, I will merely mention that General Potter and thecritic arrived safe at Jolliffee, the former feeling a regret nowand then for the loss of his kingdom, and the latter scarcely givinga thought to his Angelio. And, as heaven favors the vanquished, sothey found in the harbor of Jolliffe a brig, which had thereinsought shelter from a storm. Taking advantage of this fortunatecircumstance-for the brig was bound to New York-they sold theirmules, and with the price nicely in their pockets, proceeded onboard and demanded passage for charity's sake. And when theydiscovered what manner of men they were, the captain treated themwith great consideration, and not only gave them of his best cheer, but was delighted at the chance of doing so kind an act as that ofrescuing them from the clutches of the enemy and conveying themsafely to their homes. He also shared his wardrobe with the general;but all his efforts to cheer his drooping spirits failed. The lossof his kingdom was no trifling matter; but the sufferings he hadendured cured him of his ambition for worldly glories. And althoughthe passage to New York was long and tedious, he would sit forhours, alone, and without exchanging a word with any one. Then againhe would mutter to himself, "Worldly grandeurs-oh! what are they?God disposes all things! perhaps I did not deserve the kingdom; andso His will be done. " Again he would sit gazing for hours at thestars, and sigh as if the cares of his forlorn heart were too heavyfor him to bear. 

I remember that once, during one of these reveries, he called Mr. Tickler to him, saying, "Remember, my trusty friend, I do not mournthe loss of this kingdom because I am weak at heart, but that it isnatural for a man to reflect on his losses. All I now ask is thatheaven will save me from a watery grave, and see me safe home to mywife Polly. "

When they arrived at New York it turned out that divers newspapershad made great victories of all his reverses. And this so delightedhis whole host of admirers that no sooner had the news of his returngot noised about than they ran mad to meet him, discharged numerouscannons, and indeed made so many demonstrations of joy that thewhole city was on tip-toe to see him, and not a few otherwisesensible persons would have exchanged all their worldly goods foreven a thread of his garments. A committee of faded heroes andhighly flushed aldermen rushed to the Battery to pay him homage, andwould have had him drawn through the city by the lean horses I havebefore described. But unlike another great hero I have in my eye, heyielded to the promptings of his modesty, took leave of Mr. Ticklerwith tears in his eyes, and with a little bundle under his arm, landed and walked quietly away. In fine, (and with reverence do Irecord it here to his credit) he shook his head, and when thecommittee of honor pressed upon him and seemed resolved that heshould undergo no few ceremonies, he turned and addressed them thus:"Let me to my peace, gentlemen, for I am no fool. And if you be goodand honest men, disturb not the peace of the community in thismanner, but get to your homes; and if you cannot comfort yourfamilies, give what you can to the poor, and heaven will forgiveyou for your follies. " Indeed, so firmly was he resolved to wash hishands of the world that no force of argument could have induced himto call upon Glenmoregain, whom he felt in his heart would begrievously disappointed that he had not returned with his pocketsstuffed full of kingdoms. 

And now, at early dawn of a November morning, a short, fat man, intight-fitting garments and the hat of a priest, might have been seenstepping from on board a small schooner just arrived at Barnstable. His face was covered with a thick, coarse beard, his countenancewore a dejected air, and his raiment, if the hat be excepted, wasshabby enough for a professional mountebank out of business. Achilly wind and a drizzling rain filled the heavens with gloom;mist-clouds rolled over the land; a gray fog trailed lazily alongthe harbor; the scudding clouds vaulted along the heavens as ifdriven by the furies; and, indeed, the drenched earth was bespreadwith a pall of gloom. 

The dejected man-for such he seemed-adjusted the little bundle underhis arm, looked confusedly upon each object that met his eye, andthen picked his way, shivering, over the muddy road into theoutskirts of the town, which was yet in a sound sleep. He was soonwet to the skin, and the great rain-drops that fell from hisbroad-brimmed hat added to the forlornness of his condition. Theducks by the roadside ran to their ponds quacking as he approached;and even the geese seemed to pity his condition, for they awoke togabble him out a salutation, and having shook their feathers, theywould sail in the same direction, so long as there was water, andthen take leave of him with a loud gabbling. But this homage broughthim no consolation: indeed, the bleak earth seemed sending a deeperchill to his heart; and the brown leaf that hung twirling anddripping from the almost naked tree by the roadside, invested hisfeelings with a deeper melancholy, for in it he read the sorrows ofa dead summer. 

Halting at the door of a little house, the roof overgrown with blackmoss, the windows filled with rags, and poverty written upon everyshingle, he stood for several seconds hesitating and shivering. Nowhe fixed his eyes upon the ground and seemed giving his thoughts tothe music of the rain-drops; now he turned his eyes sorrowfullyupward, as if contemplating the driving clouds. And while I assertthat not even the most keen-eyed observer of human things would havedetected in this forlorn sojourner a professional warrior returningfrom the scene of endless victories, and now out of business, thereader, I am sure, will not be surprised when I inform him that thisdrenched traveler was no less a person than General Roger ShermanPotter, commonly called Roger Potter, the like of whose exploitsmodern history bears no record. 

Having done ample penance in the storm, he shook the rain from hishat and knocked timidly at the door, to which he placed his ear andlistened, as if counting with great exactness every second thatintervened between its opening. Presently a little window at theside opened and a lean but well-browned face, framed in the grimborder of a dusky night-cap, protruded. Then a sharp, shrill voiceinquired, "Who's there?"

"Heaven be blessed, Polly, it is your husband Roger!" replied thetraveler, as the words faltered in his chattering teeth. Exclamations of joy so various that they have entirely escaped thewriter of this history, followed this glad announcement. Thrice thegood woman invoked the blessings of the angels; and, in truth, sobent did she seem on going mad with joy, that it was not for severalminutes that she bethought herself of opening the door. But when shedid, not a second elapsed until they were in each other's arms, unburdening their affections in kisses and such other tokens of thedeep seated love they bore each other, that for minutes, and evenhours, it seemed impossible they could survive their joys, which Ihere confess (lest some critic set me down for a malicious writer, )ran into tears, such being the most pious proof of perfecthappiness. 

When, then, they had wiped away their tears of joy, and were morecomposed, the good woman, having bid Roger be seated, said, "Amerciful providence, dear Roger, must have hovered over all yourundertakings, or you could not have gained them kingdoms youdescribed in your letter-"

"Umph!" returned Roger, hanging down and shaking his head, "thekingdoms would be well enough if they did not slip so easily throughone's fingers. And what is more, dear Polly, I have come to knowthat there is only one kingdom an honest man need have a longingfor, which is the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, I am resolved forthe rest of my days to covet no other. "

"But you talk strangely, husband; for I can vow of my own knowledgethat you would not have conquered all them kingdoms without bringinghome cart-loads of gold. We have had a terrible struggle for bread, dear husband!"

"You surprise me, Polly! did I not send you a purse full ofdoubloons not long since?"

"The one you sent it with must have mistaken the road, husband, forhe has not showed his face here. "

"Here's where the kingdoms pinch, " muttered Roger to himself; whileat the same moment a little boy unrolled himself from the coveringof a bed on the floor, and crying "father! father!" ran to thegeneral, threw his little arms about his neck, and kissed him, andfondled over him, like one whose love knew no bounds. And thesecaresses the father returned with great paternal tenderness; but hewas too much dejected in spirit to offer the child those merrytokens of his attachment which had so often amused him in daysgone-by. 

"Though I have conquered kingdoms enough, Polly, " said the general, his eyes moistening with tears, "I am none the better for them now. In truth, I have nothing but the clothes I stand in; and havingresolved that it was best to be an honest man, I was glad enough toget safely home, and wash my hands of these kingdoms, which I haveleft behind for them who have a turn for such things. "

"Indeed, husband, I will think no more of these riches you promisedme, if you will stay quietly at home, assist me in getting an honestlivelihood, and give your thoughts to God and the church. But howcomes it that you are in the hat of a priest?"

The forlorn general picked up the hat, and having eyed itdistrustfully, said in reply: "You must know, dear Polly, thatthough I gained some fame as a politician; that my valor as amilitary man no man ever dared doubt; and that no really great manever had more undertakings; this hat is the only trophy left to me. And though my melancholy put a quick end to the rest of my days, Iam resolved to preserve this relic of my lost kingdom, so that whenmy enemies scoff and say, "all the wonderful things that werewritten of him had no truth in them, except only as they appeared onpaper, I can, pointing to this hat, say: 'here's the ducat!'"

"You are dearer to me than several kingdoms would be, dear Roger, "resumed the honest woman, kissing him affectionately. 

"And now, Polly, " he rejoined, "give me an account of your trialsand struggles during my absence, for I see care has written thehistory of many of them in your face. "

The good woman immediately drew her chair beside him, and commencedgiving an account of the many troubles and trials she had undergone;but so numerous were they, that it would be impossible to recountthem all here. The little pictures which gave such a martial air tohis home had been sold to get bread; death had kindly stepped in andrelieved the mother of one daughter; the other was out at service. In short the forlornness pervading each object that met his eye, told how hard had been the struggle for bread. As she continuedrecounting her trials his grief deepened; but when she came to thedeath that had carried away his favorite child, his head dropped, and burying his face in his hands, he gave vent to his feelings insobs and tears. "Heaven give me strength, " he sighed, "that I mayretain her sweet face in my memory. " This was indeed a misfortunethat seemed to shut the past from his thoughts, and to increase hissufferings as the future appeared to him in all its loneliness. Andwhen he had partially recovered from this shock of grief, the goodwoman brought him food, for he was hungry; and also procured him achange of raiment from one of the neighbors, there not being a shredof his own in the house. And when he had satisfied his appetite, heturned to his wife, saying; "As these misfortunes which haveovertaken me are incident to the lives of all great men, I hold itgood policy that we mourn them not too long, but set to loving oneanother, that we may be cured of the sins of this world when deathcalls us away. "

Polly at once fell in with this opinion; but being a sensible woman, was careful to add a clause stipulating that Roger give up politicsand return to the making of shoes, at which employment there wassome chance of getting food to maintain the body, without whichthere was no knowing what would become of the soul. His sword beingin the possession of the priest, there was no immediate danger of areturn of his military ardor. As for governing, he made up his mindthat the most worthy man in that line was the shepherd who providedwell for the lambs of his own flock. "For truly, " said he, "I havegained the applause of millions; but it has not saved my family fromwant. " And with these salutary resolutions, he sought and obtainedemployment in the town; where he lives much respected by hisneighbors, who, I must add, were not a little disappointed that hereturned so unexpectedly and shabbily, for they had read in thenewspapers that he was a great ruler, which, however, was strangeenough, for they knew in their own minds that he was dull ofintellect, and in truth had a disordered brain. 

Many years after his return he went about seemingly much dejected. Indeed, he would avoid even his best friends, and go straight into amelancholy mood if in a merry moment any one ever touched upon hispast career, though I ought to mention that he rarely appeared inthe street without being saluted by little Barnstable, who wouldgather about him, and persist in offering him that species of homageit was accustomed to pay him in years gone by. But even this failedto excite the slightest love of adventure in his bosom; and the starof his glory sank to rise no more. 

And now, the stream of my compassion having run out, I have feltmyself at liberty to desert many of the characters who figured soconspicuously in the early part of this history; and, indeed, toleave them in that state of glorious uncertainty for which criticshave a perfect madness, since it furnishes their bountiful penswith means to show the greatness of their wisdom. But if any ofthese good natured gentlemen critics call me such names, as:"simpleton, " "a fool and don't know it, " "an idiot making an ass ofhimself, " which exquisite expressions I have selected from thesayings of critics at this day, I would have them beware, since if Iam old, my heart is none the less given to mischief, and I have arare knack for cracking the pates of those who say aughtdisrespectful of my books. 

THE END.