DON QUIXOTE

 Volume II. 

 Part 32. 

 by Miguel de Cervantes

 Translated by John Ormsby

CHAPTER XLVI. 

OF THE TERRIBLE BELL AND CAT FRIGHT THAT DON QUIXOTE GOT IN THE COURSE OFTHE ENAMOURED ALTISIDORA'S WOOING

We left Don Quixote wrapped up in the reflections which the music of theenamourned maid Altisidora had given rise to. He went to bed with them, and just like fleas they would not let him sleep or get a moment's rest, and the broken stitches of his stockings helped them. But as Time isfleet and no obstacle can stay his course, he came riding on the hours, and morning very soon arrived. Seeing which Don Quixote quitted the softdown, and, nowise slothful, dressed himself in his chamois suit and puton his travelling boots to hide the disaster to his stockings. He threwover him his scarlet mantle, put on his head a montera of green velvettrimmed with silver edging, flung across his shoulder the baldric withhis good trenchant sword, took up a large rosary that he always carriedwith him, and with great solemnity and precision of gait proceeded to theantechamber where the duke and duchess were already dressed and waitingfor him. But as he passed through a gallery, Altisidora and the otherdamsel, her friend, were lying in wait for him, and the instantAltisidora saw him she pretended to faint, while her friend caught her inher lap, and began hastily unlacing the bosom of her dress. 

Don Quixote observed it, and approaching them said, "I know very wellwhat this seizure arises from. "

"I know not from what, " replied the friend, "for Altisidora is thehealthiest damsel in all this house, and I have never heard her complainall the time I have known her. A plague on all the knights-errant in theworld, if they be all ungrateful! Go away, Senor Don Quixote; for thispoor child will not come to herself again so long as you are here. "

To which Don Quixote returned, "Do me the favour, senora, to let a lutebe placed in my chamber to-night; and I will comfort this poor maiden tothe best of my power; for in the early stages of love a promptdisillusion is an approved remedy;" and with this he retired, so as notto be remarked by any who might see him there. 

He had scarcely withdrawn when Altisidora, recovering from her swoon, said to her companion, "The lute must be left, for no doubt Don Quixoteintends to give us some music; and being his it will not be bad. "

They went at once to inform the duchess of what was going on, and of thelute Don Quixote asked for, and she, delighted beyond measure, plottedwith the duke and her two damsels to play him a trick that should beamusing but harmless; and in high glee they waited for night, which camequickly as the day had come; and as for the day, the duke and duchessspent it in charming conversation with Don Quixote. 

When eleven o'clock came, Don Quixote found a guitar in his chamber; hetried it, opened the window, and perceived that some persons were walkingin the garden; and having passed his fingers over the frets of the guitarand tuned it as well as he could, he spat and cleared his chest, and thenwith a voice a little hoarse but full-toned, he sang the followingballad, which he had himself that day composed:

Mighty Love the hearts of maidens Doth unsettle and perplex, And the instrument he uses Most of all is idleness. 

Sewing, stitching, any labour, Having always work to do, To the poison Love instilleth Is the antidote most sure. 

And to proper-minded maidens Who desire the matron's nameModesty's a marriage portion, Modesty their highest praise. 

Men of prudence and discretion, Courtiers gay and gallant knights, With the wanton damsels dally, But the modest take to wife. 

There are passions, transient, fleeting, Loves in hostelries declar'd, Sunrise loves, with sunset ended, When the guest hath gone his way. 

Love that springs up swift and sudden, Here to-day, to-morrow flown, Passes, leaves no trace behind it, Leaves no image on the soul. 

Painting that is laid on painting Maketh no display or show;Where one beauty's in possession There no other can take hold. 

Dulcinea del Toboso Painted on my heart I wear;Never from its tablets, never, Can her image be eras'd. 

The quality of all in lovers Most esteemed is constancy;'T is by this that love works wonders, This exalts them to the skies. 

Don Quixote had got so far with his song, to which the duke, the duchess, Altisidora, and nearly the whole household of the castle were listening, when all of a sudden from a gallery above that was exactly over hiswindow they let down a cord with more than a hundred bells attached toit, and immediately after that discharged a great sack full of cats, which also had bells of smaller size tied to their tails. Such was thedin of the bells and the squalling of the cats, that though the duke andduchess were the contrivers of the joke they were startled by it, whileDon Quixote stood paralysed with fear; and as luck would have it, two orthree of the cats made their way in through the grating of his chamber, and flying from one side to the other, made it seem as if there was alegion of devils at large in it. They extinguished the candles that wereburning in the room, and rushed about seeking some way of escape; thecord with the large bells never ceased rising and falling; and most ofthe people of the castle, not knowing what was really the matter, were attheir wits' end with astonishment. Don Quixote sprang to his feet, anddrawing his sword, began making passes at the grating, shouting out, "Avaunt, malignant enchanters! avaunt, ye witchcraft-working rabble! I amDon Quixote of La Mancha, against whom your evil machinations avail notnor have any power. " And turning upon the cats that were running aboutthe room, he made several cuts at them. They dashed at the grating andescaped by it, save one that, finding itself hard pressed by the slashesof Don Quixote's sword, flew at his face and held on to his nose toothand nail, with the pain of which he began to shout his loudest. The dukeand duchess hearing this, and guessing what it was, ran with all haste tohis room, and as the poor gentleman was striving with all his might todetach the cat from his face, they opened the door with a master-key andwent in with lights and witnessed the unequal combat. The duke ranforward to part the combatants, but Don Quixote cried out aloud, "Let noone take him from me; leave me hand to hand with this demon, this wizard, this enchanter; I will teach him, I myself, who Don Quixote of La Manchais. " The cat, however, never minding these threats, snarled and held on;but at last the duke pulled it off and flung it out of the window. DonQuixote was left with a face as full of holes as a sieve and a nose notin very good condition, and greatly vexed that they did not let himfinish the battle he had been so stoutly fighting with that villain of anenchanter. They sent for some oil of John's wort, and Altisidora herselfwith her own fair hands bandaged all the wounded parts; and as she did soshe said to him in a low voice. "All these mishaps have befallen thee, hardhearted knight, for the sin of thy insensibility and obstinacy; andGod grant thy squire Sancho may forget to whip himself, so that thatdearly beloved Dulcinea of thine may never be released from herenchantment, that thou mayest never come to her bed, at least while I whoadore thee am alive. "

To all this Don Quixote made no answer except to heave deep sighs, andthen stretched himself on his bed, thanking the duke and duchess fortheir kindness, not because he stood in any fear of that bell-ringingrabble of enchanters in cat shape, but because he recognised their goodintentions in coming to his rescue. The duke and duchess left him torepose and withdrew greatly grieved at the unfortunate result of thejoke; as they never thought the adventure would have fallen so heavy onDon Quixote or cost him so dear, for it cost him five days of confinementto his bed, during which he had another adventure, pleasanter than thelate one, which his chronicler will not relate just now in order that hemay turn his attention to Sancho Panza, who was proceeding with greatdiligence and drollery in his government. 

CHAPTER XLVII. 

WHEREIN IS CONTINUED THE ACCOUNT OF HOW SANCHO PANZA CONDUCTED HIMSELF INHIS GOVERNMENT

The history says that from the justice court they carried Sancho to asumptuous palace, where in a spacious chamber there was a table laid outwith royal magnificence. The clarions sounded as Sancho entered the room, and four pages came forward to present him with water for his hands, which Sancho received with great dignity. The music ceased, and Sanchoseated himself at the head of the table, for there was only that seatplaced, and no more than one cover laid. A personage, who it appearedafterwards was a physician, placed himself standing by his side with awhalebone wand in his hand. They then lifted up a fine white clothcovering fruit and a great variety of dishes of different sorts; one wholooked like a student said grace, and a page put a laced bib on Sancho, while another who played the part of head carver placed a dish of fruitbefore him. But hardly had he tasted a morsel when the man with the wandtouched the plate with it, and they took it away from before him with theutmost celerity. The carver, however, brought him another dish, andSancho proceeded to try it; but before he could get at it, not to saytaste it, already the wand had touched it and a page had carried it offwith the same promptitude as the fruit. Sancho seeing this was puzzled, and looking from one to another asked if this dinner was to be eatenafter the fashion of a jugglery trick. 

To this he with the wand replied, "It is not to be eaten, senor governor, except as is usual and customary in other islands where there aregovernors. I, senor, am a physician, and I am paid a salary in thisisland to serve its governors as such, and I have a much greater regardfor their health than for my own, studying day and night and makingmyself acquainted with the governor's constitution, in order to be ableto cure him when he falls sick. The chief thing I have to do is to attendat his dinners and suppers and allow him to eat what appears to me to befit for him, and keep from him what I think will do him harm and beinjurious to his stomach; and therefore I ordered that plate of fruit tobe removed as being too moist, and that other dish I ordered to beremoved as being too hot and containing many spices that stimulatethirst; for he who drinks much kills and consumes the radical moisturewherein life consists. "

"Well then, " said Sancho, "that dish of roast partridges there that seemsso savoury will not do me any harm. "

To this the physician replied, "Of those my lord the governor shall noteat so long as I live. "

"Why so?" said Sancho. 

"Because, " replied the doctor, "our master Hippocrates, the polestar andbeacon of medicine, says in one of his aphorisms omnis saturatio mala, perdicis autem pessima, which means 'all repletion is bad, but that ofpartridge is the worst of all. "

"In that case, " said Sancho, "let senor doctor see among the dishes thatare on the table what will do me most good and least harm, and let me eatit, without tapping it with his stick; for by the life of the governor, and so may God suffer me to enjoy it, but I'm dying of hunger; and inspite of the doctor and all he may say, to deny me food is the way totake my life instead of prolonging it. "

"Your worship is right, senor governor, " said the physician; "andtherefore your worship, I consider, should not eat of those stewedrabbits there, because it is a furry kind of food; if that veal were notroasted and served with pickles, you might try it; but it is out of thequestion. "

"That big dish that is smoking farther off, " said Sancho, "seems to me tobe an olla podrida, and out of the diversity of things in such ollas, Ican't fail to light upon something tasty and good for me. "

"Absit, " said the doctor; "far from us be any such base thought! There isnothing in the world less nourishing than an olla podrida; to canons, orrectors of colleges, or peasants' weddings with your ollas podridas, butlet us have none of them on the tables of governors, where everythingthat is present should be delicate and refined; and the reason is, thatalways, everywhere and by everybody, simple medicines are more esteemedthan compound ones, for we cannot go wrong in those that are simple, while in the compound we may, by merely altering the quantity of thethings composing them. But what I am of opinion the governor should catnow in order to preserve and fortify his health is a hundred or so ofwafer cakes and a few thin slices of conserve of quinces, which willsettle his stomach and help his digestion. "

Sancho on hearing this threw himself back in his chair and surveyed thedoctor steadily, and in a solemn tone asked him what his name was andwhere he had studied. 

He replied, "My name, senor governor, is Doctor Pedro Recio de Aguero Iam a native of a place called Tirteafuera which lies between Caracuel andAlmodovar del Campo, on the right-hand side, and I have the degree ofdoctor from the university of Osuna. "

To which Sancho, glowing all over with rage, returned, "Then let DoctorPedro Recio de Malaguero, native of Tirteafuera, a place that's on theright-hand side as we go from Caracuel to Almodovar del Campo, graduateof Osuna, get out of my presence at once; or I swear by the sun I'll takea cudgel, and by dint of blows, beginning with him, I'll not leave adoctor in the whole island; at least of those I know to be ignorant; foras to learned, wise, sensible physicians, them I will reverence andhonour as divine persons. Once more I say let Pedro Recio get out of thisor I'll take this chair I am sitting on and break it over his head. Andif they call me to account for it, I'll clear myself by saying I servedGod in killing a bad doctor--a general executioner. And now give mesomething to eat, or else take your government; for a trade that does notfeed its master is not worth two beans. "

The doctor was dismayed when he saw the governor in such a passion, andhe would have made a Tirteafuera out of the room but that the sameinstant a post-horn sounded in the street; and the carver putting hishead out of the window turned round and said, "It's a courier from mylord the duke, no doubt with some despatch of importance. "

The courier came in all sweating and flurried, and taking a paper fromhis bosom, placed it in the governor's hands. Sancho handed it to themajordomo and bade him read the superscription, which ran thus: To DonSancho Panza, Governor of the Island of Barataria, into his own hands orthose of his secretary. Sancho when he heard this said, "Which of you ismy secretary?" "I am, senor, " said one of those present, "for I can readand write, and am a Biscayan. " "With that addition, " said Sancho, "youmight be secretary to the emperor himself; open this paper and see whatit says. " The new-born secretary obeyed, and having read the contentssaid the matter was one to be discussed in private. Sancho ordered thechamber to be cleared, the majordomo and the carver only remaining; sothe doctor and the others withdrew, and then the secretary read theletter, which was as follows:

It has come to my knowledge, Senor Don Sancho Panza, that certain enemiesof mine and of the island are about to make a furious attack upon it somenight, I know not when. It behoves you to be on the alert and keep watch, that they surprise you not. I also know by trustworthy spies that fourpersons have entered the town in disguise in order to take your life, because they stand in dread of your great capacity; keep your eyes openand take heed who approaches you to address you, and eat nothing that ispresented to you. I will take care to send you aid if you find yourselfin difficulty, but in all things you will act as may be expected of yourjudgment. From this place, the Sixteenth of August, at four in themorning. 

Your friend, THE DUKE

Sancho was astonished, and those who stood by made believe to be so too, and turning to the majordomo he said to him, "What we have got to dofirst, and it must be done at once, is to put Doctor Recio in thelock-up; for if anyone wants to kill me it is he, and by a slow death andthe worst of all, which is hunger. "

"Likewise, " said the carver, "it is my opinion your worship should noteat anything that is on this table, for the whole was a present from somenuns; and as they say, 'behind the cross there's the devil. '"

"I don't deny it, " said Sancho; "so for the present give me a piece ofbread and four pounds or so of grapes; no poison can come in them; forthe fact is I can't go on without eating; and if we are to be preparedfor these battles that are threatening us we must be well provisioned;for it is the tripes that carry the heart and not the heart the tripes. And you, secretary, answer my lord the duke and tell him that all hiscommands shall be obeyed to the letter, as he directs; and say from me tomy lady the duchess that I kiss her hands, and that I beg of her not toforget to send my letter and bundle to my wife Teresa Panza by amessenger; and I will take it as a great favour and will not fail toserve her in all that may lie within my power; and as you are about ityou may enclose a kiss of the hand to my master Don Quixote that he maysee I am grateful bread; and as a good secretary and a good Biscayan youmay add whatever you like and whatever will come in best; and now takeaway this cloth and give me something to eat, and I'll be ready to meetall the spies and assassins and enchanters that may come against me or myisland. "

At this instant a page entered saying, "Here is a farmer on business, whowants to speak to your lordship on a matter of great importance, hesays. "

"It's very odd, " said Sancho, "the ways of these men on business; is itpossible they can be such fools as not to see that an hour like this isno hour for coming on business? We who govern and we who are judges--arewe not men of flesh and blood, and are we not to be allowed the timerequired for taking rest, unless they'd have us made of marble? By Godand on my conscience, if the government remains in my hands (which I havea notion it won't), I'll bring more than one man on business to order. However, tell this good man to come in; but take care first of all thathe is not some spy or one of my assassins. "

"No, my lord, " said the page, "for he looks like a simple fellow, andeither I know very little or he is as good as good bread. "

"There is nothing to be afraid of, " said the majordomo, "for we are allhere. "

"Would it be possible, carver, " said Sancho, "now that Doctor Pedro Reciois not here, to let me eat something solid and substantial, if it wereeven a piece of bread and an onion?"

"To-night at supper, " said the carver, "the shortcomings of the dinnershall be made good, and your lordship shall be fully contented. "

"God grant it, " said Sancho. 

The farmer now came in, a well-favoured man that one might see a thousandleagues off was an honest fellow and a good soul. The first thing he saidwas, "Which is the lord governor here?"

"Which should it be, " said the secretary, "but he who is seated in thechair?"

"Then I humble myself before him, " said the farmer; and going on hisknees he asked for his hand, to kiss it. Sancho refused it, and bade himstand up and say what he wanted. The farmer obeyed, and then said, "I ama farmer, senor, a native of Miguelturra, a village two leagues fromCiudad Real. "

"Another Tirteafuera!" said Sancho; "say on, brother; I know Miguelturravery well I can tell you, for it's not very far from my own town. "

"The case is this, senor, " continued the farmer, "that by God's mercy Iam married with the leave and licence of the holy Roman Catholic Church;I have two sons, students, and the younger is studying to becomebachelor, and the elder to be licentiate; I am a widower, for my wifedied, or more properly speaking, a bad doctor killed her on my hands, giving her a purge when she was with child; and if it had pleased Godthat the child had been born, and was a boy, I would have put him tostudy for doctor, that he might not envy his brothers the bachelor andthe licentiate. "

"So that if your wife had not died, or had not been killed, you would notnow be a widower, " said Sancho. 

"No, senor, certainly not, " said the farmer. 

"We've got that much settled, " said Sancho; "get on, brother, for it'smore bed-time than business-time. "

"Well then, " said the farmer, "this son of mine who is going to be abachelor, fell in love in the said town with a damsel called ClaraPerlerina, daughter of Andres Perlerino, a very rich farmer; and thisname of Perlerines does not come to them by ancestry or descent, butbecause all the family are paralytics, and for a better name they callthem Perlerines; though to tell the truth the damsel is as fair as anOriental pearl, and like a flower of the field, if you look at her on theright side; on the left not so much, for on that side she wants an eyethat she lost by small-pox; and though her face is thickly and deeplypitted, those who love her say they are not pits that are there, but thegraves where the hearts of her lovers are buried. She is so cleanly thatnot to soil her face she carries her nose turned up, as they say, so thatone would fancy it was running away from her mouth; and with all this shelooks extremely well, for she has a wide mouth; and but for wanting tenor a dozen teeth and grinders she might compare and compete with thecomeliest. Of her lips I say nothing, for they are so fine and thin that, if lips might be reeled, one might make a skein of them; but being of adifferent colour from ordinary lips they are wonderful, for they aremottled, blue, green, and purple--let my lord the governor pardon me forpainting so minutely the charms of her who some time or other will be mydaughter; for I love her, and I don't find her amiss. "

"Paint what you will, " said Sancho; "I enjoy your painting, and if I haddined there could be no dessert more to my taste than your portrait. "

"That I have still to furnish, " said the farmer; "but a time will comewhen we may be able if we are not now; and I can tell you, senor, if Icould paint her gracefulness and her tall figure, it would astonish you;but that is impossible because she is bent double with her knees up toher mouth; but for all that it is easy to see that if she could stand upshe'd knock her head against the ceiling; and she would have given herhand to my bachelor ere this, only that she can't stretch it out, forit's contracted; but still one can see its elegance and fine make by itslong furrowed nails. "

"That will do, brother, " said Sancho; "consider you have painted her fromhead to foot; what is it you want now? Come to the point without all thisbeating about the bush, and all these scraps and additions. "

"I want your worship, senor, " said the farmer, "to do me the favour ofgiving me a letter of recommendation to the girl's father, begging him tobe so good as to let this marriage take place, as we are not ill-matchedeither in the gifts of fortune or of nature; for to tell the truth, senorgovernor, my son is possessed of a devil, and there is not a day but theevil spirits torment him three or four times; and from having once falleninto the fire, he has his face puckered up like a piece of parchment, andhis eyes watery and always running; but he has the disposition of anangel, and if it was not for belabouring and pummelling himself he'd be asaint. "

"Is there anything else you want, good man?" said Sancho. 

"There's another thing I'd like, " said the farmer, "but I'm afraid tomention it; however, out it must; for after all I can't let it be rottingin my breast, come what may. I mean, senor, that I'd like your worship togive me three hundred or six hundred ducats as a help to my bachelor'sportion, to help him in setting up house; for they must, in short, liveby themselves, without being subject to the interferences of theirfathers-in-law. "

"Just see if there's anything else you'd like, " said Sancho, "and don'thold back from mentioning it out of bashfulness or modesty. "

"No, indeed there is not, " said the farmer. 

The moment he said this the governor started to his feet, and seizing thechair he had been sitting on exclaimed, "By all that's good, youill-bred, boorish Don Bumpkin, if you don't get out of this at once andhide yourself from my sight, I'll lay your head open with this chair. Youwhoreson rascal, you devil's own painter, and is it at this hour you cometo ask me for six hundred ducats! How should I have them, you stinkingbrute? And why should I give them to you if I had them, you knave andblockhead? What have I to do with Miguelturra or the whole family of thePerlerines? Get out I say, or by the life of my lord the duke I'll do asI said. You're not from Miguelturra, but some knave sent here from hellto tempt me. Why, you villain, I have not yet had the government half aday, and you want me to have six hundred ducats already!"

The carver made signs to the farmer to leave the room, which he did withhis head down, and to all appearance in terror lest the governor shouldcarry his threats into effect, for the rogue knew very well how to playhis part. 

But let us leave Sancho in his wrath, and peace be with them all; and letus return to Don Quixote, whom we left with his face bandaged anddoctored after the cat wounds, of which he was not cured for eight days;and on one of these there befell him what Cide Hamete promises to relatewith that exactitude and truth with which he is wont to set fortheverything connected with this great history, however minute it may be. 

CHAPTER XLVIII. 

OF WHAT BEFELL DON QUIXOTE WITH DONA RODRIGUEZ, THE DUCHESS'S DUENNA, TOGETHER WITH OTHER OCCURRENCES WORTHY OF RECORD AND ETERNAL REMEMBRANCE

Exceedingly moody and dejected was the sorely wounded Don Quixote, withhis face bandaged and marked, not by the hand of God, but by the claws ofa cat, mishaps incidental to knight-errantry. 

Six days he remained without appearing in public, and one night as he layawake thinking of his misfortunes and of Altisidora's pursuit of him, heperceived that some one was opening the door of his room with a key, andhe at once made up his mind that the enamoured damsel was coming to makean assault upon his chastity and put him in danger of failing in thefidelity he owed to his lady Dulcinea del Toboso. "No, " said he, firmlypersuaded of the truth of his idea (and he said it loud enough to beheard), "the greatest beauty upon earth shall not avail to make merenounce my adoration of her whom I bear stamped and graved in the coreof my heart and the secret depths of my bowels; be thou, lady mine, transformed into a clumsy country wench, or into a nymph of golden Tagusweaving a web of silk and gold, let Merlin or Montesinos hold theecaptive where they will; whereer thou art, thou art mine, and where'er Iam, must be thine. " The very instant he had uttered these words, the dooropened. He stood up on the bed wrapped from head to foot in a yellowsatin coverlet, with a cap on his head, and his face and his moustachestied up, his face because of the scratches, and his moustaches to keepthem from drooping and falling down, in which trim he looked the mostextraordinary scarecrow that could be conceived. He kept his eyes fixedon the door, and just as he was expecting to see the love-smitten andunhappy Altisidora make her appearance, he saw coming in a most venerableduenna, in a long white-bordered veil that covered and enveloped her fromhead to foot. Between the fingers of her left hand she held a shortlighted candle, while with her right she shaded it to keep the light fromher eyes, which were covered by spectacles of great size, and sheadvanced with noiseless steps, treading very softly. 

Don Quixote kept an eye upon her from his watchtower, and observing hercostume and noting her silence, he concluded that it must be some witchor sorceress that was coming in such a guise to work him some mischief, and he began crossing himself at a great rate. The spectre stilladvanced, and on reaching the middle of the room, looked up and saw theenergy with which Don Quixote was crossing himself; and if he was scaredby seeing such a figure as hers, she was terrified at the sight of his;for the moment she saw his tall yellow form with the coverlet and thebandages that disfigured him, she gave a loud scream, and exclaiming, "Jesus! what's this I see?" let fall the candle in her fright, and thenfinding herself in the dark, turned about to make off, but stumbling onher skirts in her consternation, she measured her length with a mightyfall. 

Don Quixote in his trepidation began saying, "I conjure thee, phantom, orwhatever thou art, tell me what thou art and what thou wouldst with me. If thou art a soul in torment, say so, and all that my powers can do Iwill do for thee; for I am a Catholic Christian and love to do good toall the world, and to this end I have embraced the order ofknight-errantry to which I belong, the province of which extends to doinggood even to souls in purgatory. "

The unfortunate duenna hearing herself thus conjured, by her own fearguessed Don Quixote's and in a low plaintive voice answered, "Senor DonQuixote--if so be you are indeed Don Quixote--I am no phantom or spectreor soul in purgatory, as you seem to think, but Dona Rodriguez, duenna ofhonour to my lady the duchess, and I come to you with one of thosegrievances your worship is wont to redress. "

"Tell me, Senora Dona Rodriguez, " said Don Quixote, "do you perchancecome to transact any go-between business? Because I must tell you I amnot available for anybody's purpose, thanks to the peerless beauty of mylady Dulcinea del Toboso. In short, Senora Dona Rodriguez, if you willleave out and put aside all love messages, you may go and light yourcandle and come back, and we will discuss all the commands you have forme and whatever you wish, saving only, as I said, all seductivecommunications. "

"I carry nobody's messages, senor, " said the duenna; "little you know me. Nay, I'm not far enough advanced in years to take to any such childishtricks. God be praised I have a soul in my body still, and all my teethand grinders in my mouth, except one or two that the colds, so common inthis Aragon country, have robbed me of. But wait a little, while I go andlight my candle, and I will return immediately and lay my sorrows beforeyou as before one who relieves those of all the world;" and withoutstaying for an answer she quitted the room and left Don Quixotetranquilly meditating while he waited for her. A thousand thoughts atonce suggested themselves to him on the subject of this new adventure, and it struck him as being ill done and worse advised in him to exposehimself to the danger of breaking his plighted faith to his lady; andsaid he to himself, "Who knows but that the devil, being wily andcunning, may be trying now to entrap me with a duenna, having failed withempresses, queens, duchesses, marchionesses, and countesses? Many a timehave I heard it said by many a man of sense that he will sooner offer youa flat-nosed wench than a roman-nosed one; and who knows but thisprivacy, this opportunity, this silence, may awaken my sleeping desires, and lead me in these my latter years to fall where I have never tripped?In cases of this sort it is better to flee than to await the battle. ButI must be out of my senses to think and utter such nonsense; for it isimpossible that a long, white-hooded spectacled duenna could stir up orexcite a wanton thought in the most graceless bosom in the world. Isthere a duenna on earth that has fair flesh? Is there a duenna in theworld that escapes being ill-tempered, wrinkled, and prudish? Avaunt, then, ye duenna crew, undelightful to all mankind. Oh, but that lady didwell who, they say, had at the end of her reception room a couple offigures of duennas with spectacles and lace-cushions, as if at work, andthose statues served quite as well to give an air of propriety to theroom as if they had been real duennas. "

So saying he leaped off the bed, intending to close the door and notallow Senora Rodriguez to enter; but as he went to shut it SenoraRodriguez returned with a wax candle lighted, and having a closer view ofDon Quixote, with the coverlet round him, and his bandages and night-cap, she was alarmed afresh, and retreating a couple of paces, exclaimed, "AmI safe, sir knight? for I don't look upon it as a sign of very greatvirtue that your worship should have got up out of bed. "

"I may well ask the same, senora, " said Don Quixote; "and I do askwhether I shall be safe from being assailed and forced?"

"Of whom and against whom do you demand that security, sir knight?" saidthe duenna. 

"Of you and against you I ask it, " said Don Quixote; "for I am notmarble, nor are you brass, nor is it now ten o'clock in the morning, butmidnight, or a trifle past it I fancy, and we are in a room more secludedand retired than the cave could have been where the treacherous anddaring AEneas enjoyed the fair soft-hearted Dido. But give me your hand, senora; I require no better protection than my own continence, and my ownsense of propriety; as well as that which is inspired by that venerablehead-dress;" and so saying he kissed her right hand and took it in hisown, she yielding it to him with equal ceremoniousness. And here CideHamete inserts a parenthesis in which he says that to have seen the pairmarching from the door to the bed, linked hand in hand in this way, hewould have given the best of the two tunics he had. 

Don Quixote finally got into bed, and Dona Rodriguez took her seat on achair at some little distance from his couch, without taking off herspectacles or putting aside the candle. Don Quixote wrapped thebedclothes round him and covered himself up completely, leaving nothingbut his face visible, and as soon as they had both regained theircomposure he broke silence, saying, "Now, Senora Dona Rodriguez, you mayunbosom yourself and out with everything you have in your sorrowful heartand afflicted bowels; and by me you shall be listened to with chasteears, and aided by compassionate exertions. "

"I believe it, " replied the duenna; "from your worship's gentle andwinning presence only such a Christian answer could be expected. The factis, then, Senor Don Quixote, that though you see me seated in this chair, here in the middle of the kingdom of Aragon, and in the attire of adespised outcast duenna, I am from the Asturias of Oviedo, and of afamily with which many of the best of the province are connected byblood; but my untoward fate and the improvidence of my parents, who, Iknow not how, were unseasonably reduced to poverty, brought me to thecourt of Madrid, where as a provision and to avoid greater misfortunes, my parents placed me as seamstress in the service of a lady of quality, and I would have you know that for hemming and sewing I have never beensurpassed by any all my life. My parents left me in service and returnedto their own country, and a few years later went, no doubt, to heaven, for they were excellent good Catholic Christians. I was left an orphanwith nothing but the miserable wages and trifling presents that are givento servants of my sort in palaces; but about this time, without anyencouragement on my part, one of the esquires of the household fell inlove with me, a man somewhat advanced in years, full-bearded andpersonable, and above all as good a gentleman as the king himself, for hecame of a mountain stock. We did not carry on our loves with such secrecybut that they came to the knowledge of my lady, and she, not to have anyfuss about it, had us married with the full sanction of the holy motherRoman Catholic Church, of which marriage a daughter was born to put anend to my good fortune, if I had any; not that I died in childbirth, forI passed through it safely and in due season, but because shortlyafterwards my husband died of a certain shock he received, and had I timeto tell you of it I know your worship would be surprised;" and here shebegan to weep bitterly and said, "Pardon me, Senor Don Quixote, if I amunable to control myself, for every time I think of my unfortunatehusband my eyes fill up with tears. God bless me, with what an air ofdignity he used to carry my lady behind him on a stout mule as black asjet! for in those days they did not use coaches or chairs, as they saythey do now, and ladies rode behind their squires. This much at least Icannot help telling you, that you may observe the good breeding andpunctiliousness of my worthy husband. As he was turning into the Calle deSantiago in Madrid, which is rather narrow, one of the alcaldes of theCourt, with two alguacils before him, was coming out of it, and as soonas my good squire saw him he wheeled his mule about and made as if hewould turn and accompany him. My lady, who was riding behind him, said tohim in a low voice, 'What are you about, you sneak, don't you see that Iam here?' The alcalde like a polite man pulled up his horse and said tohim, 'Proceed, senor, for it is I, rather, who ought to accompany my ladyDona Casilda'--for that was my mistress's name. Still my husband, cap inhand, persisted in trying to accompany the alcalde, and seeing this mylady, filled with rage and vexation, pulled out a big pin, or, I ratherthink, a bodkin, out of her needle-case and drove it into his back withsuch force that my husband gave a loud yell, and writhing fell to theground with his lady. Her two lacqueys ran to rise her up, and thealcalde and the alguacils did the same; the Guadalajara gate was all incommotion--I mean the idlers congregated there; my mistress came back onfoot, and my husband hurried away to a barber's shop protesting that hewas run right through the guts. The courtesy of my husband was noisedabroad to such an extent, that the boys gave him no peace in the street;and on this account, and because he was somewhat shortsighted, my ladydismissed him; and it was chagrin at this I am convinced beyond a doubtthat brought on his death. I was left a helpless widow, with a daughteron my hands growing up in beauty like the sea-foam; at length, however, as I had the character of being an excellent needlewoman, my lady theduchess, then lately married to my lord the duke, offered to take me withher to this kingdom of Aragon, and my daughter also, and here as timewent by my daughter grew up and with her all the graces in the world; shesings like a lark, dances quick as thought, foots it like a gipsy, readsand writes like a schoolmaster, and does sums like a miser; of herneatness I say nothing, for the running water is not purer, and her ageis now, if my memory serves me, sixteen years five months and three days, one more or less. To come to the point, the son of a very rich farmer, living in a village of my lord the duke's not very far from here, fell inlove with this girl of mine; and in short, how I know not, they cametogether, and under the promise of marrying her he made a fool of mydaughter, and will not keep his word. And though my lord the duke isaware of it (for I have complained to him, not once but many and many atime, and entreated him to order the farmer to marry my daughter), heturns a deaf ear and will scarcely listen to me; the reason being that asthe deceiver's father is so rich, and lends him money, and is constantlygoing security for his debts, he does not like to offend or annoy him inany way. Now, senor, I want your worship to take it upon yourself toredress this wrong either by entreaty or by arms; for by what all theworld says you came into it to redress grievances and right wrongs andhelp the unfortunate. Let your worship put before you the unprotectedcondition of my daughter, her youth, and all the perfections I have saidshe possesses; and before God and on my conscience, out of all thedamsels my lady has, there is not one that comes up to the sole of hershoe, and the one they call Altisidora, and look upon as the boldest andgayest of them, put in comparison with my daughter, does not come withintwo leagues of her. For I would have you know, senor, all is not goldthat glitters, and that same little Altisidora has more forwardness thangood looks, and more impudence than modesty; besides being not verysound, for she has such a disagreeable breath that one cannot bear to benear her for a moment; and even my lady the duchess--but I'll hold mytongue, for they say that walls have ears. "

"For heaven's sake, Dona Rodriguez, what ails my lady the duchess?" askedDon Quixote. 

"Adjured in that way, " replied the duenna, "I cannot help answering thequestion and telling the whole truth. Senor Don Quixote, have youobserved the comeliness of my lady the duchess, that smooth complexion ofhers like a burnished polished sword, those two cheeks of milk andcarmine, that gay lively step with which she treads or rather seems tospurn the earth, so that one would fancy she went radiating healthwherever she passed? Well then, let me tell you she may thank, first ofall God, for this, and next, two issues that she has, one in each leg, bywhich all the evil humours, of which the doctors say she is full, aredischarged. "

"Blessed Virgin!" exclaimed Don Quixote; "and is it possible that my ladythe duchess has drains of that sort? I would not have believed it if thebarefoot friars had told it me; but as the lady Dona Rodriguez says so, it must be so. But surely such issues, and in such places, do notdischarge humours, but liquid amber. Verily, I do believe now that thispractice of opening issues is a very important matter for the health. "

Don Quixote had hardly said this, when the chamber door flew open with aloud bang, and with the start the noise gave her Dona Rodriguez let thecandle fall from her hand, and the room was left as dark as a wolf'smouth, as the saying is. Suddenly the poor duenna felt two hands seizeher by the throat, so tightly that she could not croak, while some oneelse, without uttering a word, very briskly hoisted up her petticoats, and with what seemed to be a slipper began to lay on so heartily thatanyone would have felt pity for her; but although Don Quixote felt it henever stirred from his bed, but lay quiet and silent, nay apprehensivethat his turn for a drubbing might be coming. Nor was the apprehension anidle one; one; for leaving the duenna (who did not dare to cry out) wellbasted, the silent executioners fell upon Don Quixote, and stripping himof the sheet and the coverlet, they pinched him so fast and so hard thathe was driven to defend himself with his fists, and all this inmarvellous silence. The battle lasted nearly half an hour, and then thephantoms fled; Dona Rodriguez gathered up her skirts, and bemoaning herfate went out without saying a word to Don Quixote, and he, sorelypinched, puzzled, and dejected, remained alone, and there we will leavehim, wondering who could have been the perverse enchanter who had reducedhim to such a state; but that shall be told in due season, for Sanchoclaims our attention, and the methodical arrangement of the story demandsit.