THE DOUBLE-DEALERA COMEDY

 _Interdum tamen et vocem Comoedia tollit_. --HOR. _Ar. Po. _

 _Huic equidem consilio palmam do_: _hic me magnifice_ _effero_, _qui vim tantam in me et potestatem habeam_ _tantae astutiae_, _vera dicendo ut eos ambos fallam_. 

 SYR. In TERENT. _Heaut_. 

TO THERIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES MONTAGUE, ONE OF THE LORDS OF THE TREASURY. 

Sir, --I heartily wish this play were as perfect as I intended it, that itmight be more worthy your acceptance, and that my dedication of it to youmight be more becoming that honour and esteem which I, with everybody whois so fortunate as to know you, have for you. It had your countenancewhen yet unknown; and now it is made public, it wants your protection. 

I would not have anybody imagine that I think this play without itsfaults, for I am conscious of several. I confess I designed (whatevervanity or ambition occasioned that design) to have written a true andregular comedy, but I found it an undertaking which put me in mind of_Sudet multum_, _frustraque laboret ausus idem_. And now, to make amendsfor the vanity of such a design, I do confess both the attempt and theimperfect performance. Yet I must take the boldness to say I have notmiscarried in the whole, for the mechanical part of it is regular. ThatI may say with as little vanity as a builder may say he has built a houseaccording to the model laid down before him, or a gardener that he hasset his flowers in a knot of such or such a figure. I designed the moralfirst, and to that moral I invented the fable, and do not know that Ihave borrowed one hint of it anywhere. I made the plot as strong as Icould because it was single, and I made it single because I would avoidconfusion, and was resolved to preserve the three unities of the drama. Sir, this discourse is very impertinent to you, whose judgment muchbetter can discern the faults than I can excuse them; and whose goodnature, like that of a lover, will find out those hidden beauties (ifthere are any such) which it would be great immodesty for me to discover. I think I don't speak improperly when I call you a _lover_ of poetry; forit is very well known she has been a very kind mistress to you: she hasnot denied you the last favour, and she has been fruitful to you in amost beautiful issue. If I break off abruptly here, I hope everybodywill understand that it is to avoid a commendation which, as it is yourdue, would be most easy for me to pay, and too troublesome for you toreceive. 

I have since the acting of this play harkened after the objections whichhave been made to it, for I was conscious where a true critic might haveput me upon my defence. I was prepared for the attack, and am prettyconfident I could have vindicated some parts and excused others; andwhere there were any plain miscarriages, I would most ingenuously haveconfessed 'em. But I have not heard anything said sufficient to provokean answer. That which looks most like an objection does not relate inparticular to this play, but to all or most that ever have been written, and that is soliloquy. Therefore I will answer it, not only for my ownsake, but to save others the trouble, to whom it may hereafter beobjected. 

I grant that for a man to talk to himself appears absurd and unnatural, and indeed it is so in most cases; but the circumstances which may attendthe occasion make great alteration. It oftentimes happens to a man tohave designs which require him to himself, and in their nature cannotadmit of a confidant. Such for certain is all villainy, and other lessmischievous intentions may be very improper to be communicated to asecond person. In such a case, therefore, the audience must observewhether the person upon the stage takes any notice of them at all or no. For if he supposes any one to be by when he talks to himself, it ismonstrous and ridiculous to the last degree. Nay, not only in this case, but in any part of a play, if there is expressed any knowledge of anaudience, it is insufferable. But otherwise, when a man in soliloquyreasons with himself, and _pro's_ and _con's_, and weighs all hisdesigns, we ought not to imagine that this man either talks to us or tohimself; he is only thinking, and thinking such matter as wereinexcusable folly in him to speak. But because we are concealedspectators of the plot in agitation, and the poet finds it necessary tolet us know the whole mystery of his contrivance, he is willing to informus of this person's thoughts; and to that end is forced to make use ofthe expedient of speech, no other better way being yet invented for thecommunication of thought. 

Another very wrong objection has been made by some who have not takenleisure to distinguish the characters. The hero of the play, as they arepleased to call him (meaning Mellefont), is a gull, and made a fool, andcheated. Is every man a gull and a fool that is deceived? At that rateI'm afraid the two classes of men will be reduced to one, and the knavesthemselves be at a loss to justify their title. But if an open-heartedhonest man, who has an entire confidence in one whom he takes to be hisfriend, and whom he has obliged to be so, and who, to confirm him in hisopinion, in all appearance and upon several trials has been so: if thisman be deceived by the treachery of the other, must he of necessitycommence fool immediately, only because the other has proved a villain?Ay, but there was caution given to Mellefont in the first act by hisfriend Careless. Of what nature was that caution? Only to give theaudience some light into the character of Maskwell before his appearance, and not to convince Mellefont of his treachery; for that was more thanCareless was then able to do: he never knew Maskwell guilty of anyvillainy; he was only a sort of man which he did not like. As for hissuspecting his familiarity with my Lady Touchwood, let 'em examine theanswer that Mellefont makes him, and compare it with the conduct ofMaskwell's character through the play. 

I would beg 'em again to look into the character of Maskwell before theyaccuse Mellefont of weakness for being deceived by him. For upon summingup the enquiry into this objection, it may be found they have mistakencunning in one character for folly in another. 

But there is one thing at which I am more concerned than all the falsecriticisms that are made upon me, and that is, some of the ladies areoffended. I am heartily sorry for it, for I declare I would ratherdisoblige all the critics in the world than one of the fair sex. Theyare concerned that I have represented some women vicious and affected. How can I help it? It is the business of a comic poet to paint the vicesand follies of humankind; and there are but two sexes, male and female, _men_ and _women_, which have a title to humanity, and if I leave onehalf of them out, the work will be imperfect. I should be very glad ofan opportunity to make my compliment to those ladies who are offended;but they can no more expect it in a comedy than to be tickled by asurgeon when he's letting 'em blood. They who are virtuous or discreetshould not be offended, for such characters as these distinguish _them_, and make their beauties more shining and observed; and they who are ofthe other kind may nevertheless pass for such, by seeming not to bedispleased or touched with the satire of this _comedy_. Thus have theyalso wrongfully accused me of doing them a prejudice, when I have inreality done them a service. 

You will pardon me, sir, for the freedom I take of making answers toother people in an epistle which ought wholly to be sacred to you; butsince I intend the play to be so too, I hope I may take the more libertyof justifying it where it is in the right. 

I must now, sir, declare to the world how kind you have been to myendeavours; for in regard of what was well meant, you have excused whatwas ill performed. I beg you would continue the same method in youracceptance of this dedication. I know no other way of making a return tothat humanity you shewed, in protecting an infant, but by enrolling it inyour service, now that it is of age and come into the world. Thereforebe pleased to accept of this as an acknowledgment of the favour you haveshewn me, and an earnest of the real service and gratitude of, Sir, your most obliged, humble servant, WILLIAM CONGREVE. 

TO MY DEAR FRIEND MR. CONGREVE, ON HIS COMEDY CALLEDTHE DOUBLE-DEALER. 

Well then, the promised hour is come at last;The present age of wit obscures the past. Strong were our sires; and as they fought they writ, Conqu'ring with force of arms and dint of wit. Theirs was the giant race, before the flood;And thus, when Charles returned, our empire stood. Like Janus he the stubborn soil manured, With rules of husbandry the rankness cured, Tamed us to manners, when the stage was rude, And boist'rous English wit with art indued. Our age was cultivated thus at length;But what we gained in skill we lost in strength. Our builders were with want of genius curst;The second temple was not like the first:Till you, the best Vitruvius, come at length, Our beauties equal, but excel our strength. Firm Doric pillars found your solid base, The fair Corinthian crowns the higher space;Thus all below is strength, and all above is grace. In easy dialogue is Fletcher's praise:He moved the mind, but had no power to raise. Great Johnson did by strength of judgment pleaseYet doubling Fletcher's force, he wants ease. In diff'ring talents both adorned their age;One for the study, t'other for the stage. But both to Congreve justly shall submit, One matched in judgment, both o'er-matched in wit. In him all beauties of this age we see, Etherege his courtship, Southern's purity, The satire, wit, and strength of manly Wycherly. All this in blooming youth you have achieved, Nor are your foiled contemporaries grieved;So much the sweetness of your manners move, We cannot envy you, because we love. Fabius might joy in Scipio, when he sawA beardless consul made against the law, And join his suffrage to the votes of Rome;Though he with Hannibal was overcome. Thus old Romano bowed to Raphael's fame, And scholar to the youth he taught became. 

O that your brows my laurel had sustained, Well had I been deposed if you had reigned!The father had descended for the son, For only you are lineal to the throne. Thus when the state one Edward did depose, A greater Edward in his room arose. But now, not I, but poetry is cursed;For Tom the Second reigns like Tom the First. But let 'em not mistake my patron's part, Nor call his charity their own desert. Yet this I prophesy: Thou shalt be seen(Though with some short parenthesis between)High on the throne of wit; and seated there, Not mine (that's little) but thy laurel wear. Thy first attempt an early promise made;That early promise this has more than paid. So bold, yet so judiciously you dare, That your least praise is to be regular. Time, place, and action may with pains be wrought, But genius must be born, and never can be taught. This is your portion, this your native store, Heav'n, that but once was prodigal before, To Shakespeare gave as much; she could not give him more. 

Maintain your post: that's all the fame you need;For 'tis impossible you should proceed. Already I am worn with cares and age, And just abandoning th' ungrateful stage:Unprofitably kept at heav'n's expense, I live a rent-charge on his providence. But you, whom every muse and grace adorn, Whom I foresee to better fortune born, Be kind to my remains; and oh, defend, Against your judgment, your departed friend!Let not th' insulting foe my fame pursue;But shade those laurels which descend to you:And take for tribute what these lines express:You merit more; nor could my love do less. 

JOHN DRYDEN. 

PROLOGUESpoken by MRS. BRACEGIRDLE. 

Moors have this way (as story tells) to knowWhether their brats are truly got or no;Into the sea the new-born babe is thrown, There, as instinct directs, to swim or drown. A barbarous device, to try if spouseHas kept religiously her nuptial vows. 

Such are the trials poets make of plays, Only they trust to more inconstant seas;So does our author, this his child commitTo the tempestuous mercy of the pit, To know if it be truly born of wit. 

Critics avaunt, for you are fish of prey, And feed, like sharks, upon an infant play. Be ev'ry monster of the deep away;Let's have a fair trial and a clear sea. 

Let nature work, and do not damn too soon, For life will struggle long e'er it sink down:And will at least rise thrice before it drown. Let us consider, had it been our fate, Thus hardly to be proved legitimate:I will not say, we'd all in danger been, Were each to suffer for his mother's sin:But by my troth I cannot avoid thinking, How nearly some good men might have 'scaped sinking. But, heav'n be praised, this custom is confinedAlone to th' offspring of the muses kind:Our Christian cuckolds are more bent to pity;I know not one Moor-husband in the city. I' th' good man's arms the chopping bastard thrives, For he thinks all his own that is his wives'. 

Whatever fate is for this play designed, The poet's sure he shall some comfort find:For if his muse has played him false, the worstThat can befall him, is, to be divorced:You husbands judge, if that be to be cursed. 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. 

MEN. 

MASKWELL, a villain; pretended friend to Mellefont, gallant to LadyTouchwood, and in love with Cynthia, --_Mr. Betterton_. 

LORD TOUCHWOOD, uncle to Mellefont, --_Mr. Kynaston_. 

MELLEFONT, promised to, and in love with Cynthia, --_Mr. Williams_. 

CARELESS, his friend, --_Mr. Verbruggen_. 

LORD FROTH, a solemn coxcomb, --_Mr. Bowman_. 

BRISK, a pert coxcomb, --_Mr. Powell_. 

SIR PAUL PLYANT, an uxorious, foolish old knight; brother to LadyTouchwood, and father to Cynthia, --_Mr. Dogget_. 

WOMEN. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD, in love with Mellefont, --_Mrs. Barry_. 

CYNTHIA, daughter to Sir Paul by a former wife, promised toMellefont, --_Mrs. Bracegirdle_. 

LADY FROTH, a great coquette; pretender to poetry, wit, andlearning, --_Mrs. Mountfort_. 

LADY PLYANT, insolent to her husband, and easy to any pretender, --_Mrs. Leigh_. 

CHAPLAIN, BOY, FOOTMEN, AND ATTENDANTS. 

THE SCENE: A gallery in the Lord Touchwood's house, with chambersadjoining. 

ACT I. 

SCENE I. 

_A gallery in the Lord Touchwood's home_, _with chambers adjoining_. 

_Enter_ CARELESS, _crossing the stage_, _with his hat_, _gloves_, _andsword in his hands_; _as just risen from table_: MELLEFONT _followinghim_. 

MEL. Ned, Ned, whither so fast? What, turned flincher! Why, you wo'not leave us?

CARE. Where are the women? I'm weary of guzzling, and begin to thinkthem the better company. 

MEL. Then thy reason staggers, and thou'rt almost drunk. 

CARE. No, faith, but your fools grow noisy; and if a man must endure thenoise of words without sense, I think the women have more musical voices, and become nonsense better. 

MEL. Why, they are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea andscandal, according to their ancient custom, after dinner. But I made apretence to follow you, because I had something to say to you in private, and I am not like to have many opportunities this evening. 

CARE. And here's this coxcomb most critically come to interrupt you. 

SCENE II. 

[_To them_] BRISK. 

BRISK. Boys, boys, lads, where are you? What, do you give ground?Mortgage for a bottle, ha? Careless, this is your trick; you're alwaysspoiling company by leaving it. 

CARE. And thou art always spoiling company by coming in o't. 

BRISK. Pooh, ha, ha, ha, I know you envy me. Spite, proud spite, by thegods! and burning envy. I'll be judged by Mellefont here, who gives andtakes raillery better than you or I. Pshaw, man, when I say you spoilcompany by leaving it, I mean you leave nobody for the company to laughat. I think there I was with you. Ha, Mellefont?

MEL. O' my word, Brisk, that was a home thrust; you have silenced him. 

BRISK. Oh, my dear Mellefont, let me perish if thou art not the soul ofconversation, the very essence of wit and spirit of wine. The deuce takeme if there were three good things said, or one understood, since thyamputation from the body of our society. He, I think that's pretty andmetaphorical enough; i'gad I could not have said it out of thy company. Careless, ha?

CARE. Hum, ay, what is't?

BRISK. _O mon coeur_! What is't! Nay, gad, I'll punish you for want ofapprehension. The deuce take me if I tell you. 

MEL. No, no, hang him, he has no taste. But, dear Brisk, excuse me, Ihave a little business. 

CARE. Prithee get thee gone; thou seest we are serious. 

MEL. We'll come immediately, if you'll but go in and keep up good humourand sense in the company. Prithee do, they'll fall asleep else. 

BRISK. I'gad, so they will. Well, I will, I will; gad, you shallcommand me from the Zenith to the Nadir. But the deuce take me if I saya good thing till you come. But prithee, dear rogue, make haste, pritheemake haste, I shall burst else. And yonder your uncle, my LordTouchwood, swears he'll disinherit you, and Sir Paul Plyant threatens todisclaim you for a son-in-law, and my Lord Froth won't dance at yourwedding to-morrow; nor, the deuce take me, I won't write yourEpithalamium--and see what a condition you're like to be brought to. 

MEL. Well, I'll speak but three words, and follow you. 

BRISK. Enough, enough. Careless, bring your apprehension along withyou. 

SCENE III. 

MELLEFONT, CARELESS. 

CARE. Pert coxcomb. 

MEL. Faith, 'tis a good-natured coxcomb, and has very entertainingfollies. You must be more humane to him; at this juncture it will do meservice. I'll tell you, I would have mirth continued this day at anyrate; though patience purchase folly, and attention be paid with noise, there are times when sense may be unseasonable as well as truth. Pritheedo thou wear none to-day, but allow Brisk to have wit, that thou may'stseem a fool. 

CARE. Why, how now, why this extravagant proposition?

MEL. Oh, I would have no room for serious design, for I am jealous of aplot. I would have noise and impertinence keep my Lady Touchwood's headfrom working: for hell is not more busy than her brain, nor contains moredevils than that imaginations. 

CARE. I thought your fear of her had been over. Is not to-morrowappointed for your marriage with Cynthia, and her father, Sir PaulPlyant, come to settle the writings this day on purpose?

MEL. True; but you shall judge whether I have not reason to be alarmed. None besides you and Maskwell are acquainted with the secret of my AuntTouchwood's violent passion for me. Since my first refusal of heraddresses she has endeavoured to do me all ill offices with my uncle, yethas managed 'em with that subtilty, that to him they have borne the faceof kindness; while her malice, like a dark lanthorn, only shone upon mewhere it was directed. Still, it gave me less perplexity to prevent thesuccess of her displeasure than to avoid the importunities of her love, and of two evils I thought myself favoured in her aversion. But whetherurged by her despair and the short prospect of time she saw to accomplishher designs; whether the hopes of revenge, or of her love, terminated inthe view of this my marriage with Cynthia, I know not, but this morningshe surprised me in my bed. 

CARE. Was there ever such a fury! 'Tis well nature has not put it intoher sex's power to ravish. Well, bless us, proceed. What followed?

MEL. What at first amazed me--for I looked to have seen her in all thetransports of a slighted and revengeful woman--but when I expectedthunder from her voice, and lightning in her eyes, I saw her melted intotears and hushed into a sigh. It was long before either of us spoke:passion had tied her tongue, and amazement mine. In short, theconsequence was thus, she omitted nothing that the most violent lovecould urge, or tender words express; which when she saw had no effect, but still I pleaded honour and nearness of blood to my uncle, then camethe storm I feared at first, for, starting from my bed-side like a fury, she flew to my sword, and with much ado I prevented her doing me orherself a mischief. Having disarmed her, in a gust of passion she leftme, and in a resolution, confirmed by a thousand curses, not to close hereyes till they had seen my ruin. 

CARE. Exquisite woman! But what the devil, does she think thou hast nomore sense than to get an heir upon her body to disinherit thyself? foras I take it this settlement upon you is, with a proviso, that your unclehave no children. 

MEL. It is so. Well, the service you are to do me will be a pleasure toyourself: I must get you to engage my Lady Plyant all this evening, thatmy pious aunt may not work her to her interest. And if you chance tosecure her to yourself, you may incline her to mine. She's handsome, andknows it; is very silly, and thinks she has sense, and has an old fondhusband. 

CARE. I confess, a very fair foundation for a lover to build upon. 

MEL. For my Lord Froth, he and his wife will be sufficiently taken upwith admiring one another and Brisk's gallantry, as they call it. I'llobserve my uncle myself, and Jack Maskwell has promised me to watch myaunt narrowly, and give me notice upon any suspicion. As for Sir Paul, my wise father-in-law that is to be, my dear Cynthia has such a share inhis fatherly fondness, he would scarce make her a moment uneasy to haveher happy hereafter. 

CARE. So you have manned your works; but I wish you may not have theweakest guard where the enemy is strongest. 

MEL. Maskwell, you mean; prithee why should you suspect him?

CARE. Faith I cannot help it; you know I never liked him: I am a littlesuperstitious in physiognomy. 

MEL. He has obligations of gratitude to bind him to me: his dependenceupon my uncle is through my means. 

CARE. Upon your aunt, you mean. 

MEL. My aunt!

CARE. I'm mistaken if there be not a familiarity between them you do notsuspect, notwithstanding her passion for you. 

MEL. Pooh, pooh! nothing in the world but his design to do me service;and he endeavours to be well in her esteem, that he may be able to effectit. 

CARE. Well, I shall be glad to be mistaken; but your aunt's aversion inher revenge cannot be any way so effectually shown as in bringing forth achild to disinherit you. She is handsome and cunning and naturallywanton. Maskwell is flesh and blood at best, and opportunities betweenthem are frequent. His affection to you, you have confessed, is groundedupon his interest, that you have transplanted; and should it take root inmy lady, I don't see what you can expect from the fruit. 

MEL. I confess the consequence is visible, were your suspicions just. But see, the company is broke up, let's meet 'em. 

SCENE IV. 

[_To them_] LORD TOUCHWOOD, LORD FROTH, SIR PAUL PLYANT, _and_ BRISK. 

LORD TOUCH. Out upon't, nephew. Leave your father-in-law and me tomaintain our ground against young people!

MEL. I beg your lordship's pardon. We were just returning. 

SIR PAUL. Were you, son? Gadsbud, much better as it is. Good, strange!I swear I'm almost tipsy; t'other bottle would have been too powerful forme, --as sure as can be it would. We wanted your company, but Mr. Brisk--where is he? I swear and vow he's a most facetious person, andthe best company. And, my Lord Froth, your lordship is so merry a man, he, he, he. 

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, Sir Paul, what do you mean? Merry! Oh, barbarous!I'd as lieve you called me fool. 

SIR PAUL. Nay, I protest and vow now, 'tis true; when Mr. Brisk jokes, your lordship's laugh does so become you, he, he, he. 

LORD FROTH. Ridiculous! Sir Paul, you're strangely mistaken, I findchampagne is powerful. I assure you, Sir Paul, I laugh at nobody's jestbut my own, or a lady's, I assure you, Sir Paul. 

BRISK. How? how, my lord? what, affront my wit! Let me perish, do Inever say anything worthy to be laughed at?

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, don't misapprehend me; I don't say so, for I oftensmile at your conceptions. But there is nothing more unbecoming a man ofquality than to laugh; 'tis such a vulgar expression of the passion;everybody can laugh. Then especially to laugh at the jest of an inferiorperson, or when anybody else of the same quality does not laugh withone--ridiculous! To be pleased with what pleases the crowd! Now when Ilaugh, I always laugh alone. 

BRISK. I suppose that's because you laugh at your own jests, i'gad, ha, ha, ha. 

LORD FROTH. He, he, I swear though, your raillery provokes me to asmile. 

BRISK. Ay, my lord, it's a sign I hit you in the teeth, if you show 'em. 

LORD FROTH. He, he, he, I swear that's so very pretty, I can't forbear. 

CARE. I find a quibble bears more sway in your lordship's face than ajest. 

LORD TOUCH. Sir Paul, if you please we'll retire to the ladies, anddrink a dish of tea to settle our heads. 

SIR PAUL. With all my heart. Mr. Brisk, you'll come to us, or call mewhen you joke; I'll be ready to laugh incontinently. 

SCENE V. 

MELLEFONT, CARELESS, LORD FROTH, BRISK. 

MEL. But does your lordship never see comedies?

LORD FROTH. Oh yes, sometimes; but I never laugh. 

MEL. No?

LORD FROTH. Oh no; never laugh indeed, sir. 

CARE. No! why, what d'ye go there for?

LORD FROTH. To distinguish myself from the commonalty and mortify thepoets; the fellows grow so conceited, when any of their foolish witprevails upon the side-boxes. I swear, --he, he, he, I have oftenconstrained my inclinations to laugh, --he, he, he, to avoid giving themencouragement. 

MEL. You are cruel to yourself, my lord, as well as malicious to them. 

LORD FROTH. I confess I did myself some violence at first, but now Ithink I have conquered it. 

BRISK. Let me perish, my lord, but there is something very particular inthe humour; 'tis true it makes against wit, and I'm sorry for somefriends of mine that write; but, i'gad, I love to be malicious. Nay, deuce take me, there's wit in't, too. And wit must be foiled by wit; cuta diamond with a diamond, no other way, i'gad. 

LORD FROTH. Oh, I thought you would not be long before you found out thewit. 

CARE. Wit! In what? Where the devil's the wit in not laughing when aman has a mind to't?

BRISK. O Lord, why can't you find it out? Why, there 'tis, in the notlaughing. Don't you apprehend me? My lord, Careless is a very honestfellow, but harkee, you understand me, somewhat heavy, a little shallow, or so. Why, I'll tell you now, suppose now you come up to me--nay, prithee, Careless, be instructed. Suppose, as I was saying, you come upto me holding your sides, and laughing as if you would--well--I lookgrave, and ask the cause of this immoderate mirth. You laugh on still, and are not able to tell me, still I look grave, not so much as smile. 

CARE. Smile, no, what the devil should you smile at, when you suppose Ican't tell you!

BRISK. Pshaw, pshaw, prithee don't interrupt me. But I tell you, youshall tell me at last, but it shall be a great while first. 

CARE. Well, but prithee don't let it be a great while, because I long tohave it over. 

BRISK. Well then, you tell me some good jest or some very witty thing, laughing all the while as if you were ready to die, and I hear it, andlook thus. Would not you be disappointed?

CARE. No; for if it were a witty thing I should not expect you tounderstand it. 

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, Mr. Careless, all the world allows Mr. Brisk tohave wit; my wife says he has a great deal. I hope you think her ajudge. 

BRISK. Pooh, my lord, his voice goes for nothing; I can't tell how tomake him apprehend. Take it t'other way. Suppose I say a witty thing toyou?

CARE. Then I shall be disappointed indeed. 

MEL. Let him alone, Brisk, he is obstinately bent not to be instructed. 

BRISK. I'm sorry for him, the deuce take me. 

MEL. Shall we go to the ladies, my lord?

LORD FROTH. With all my heart; methinks we are a solitude without 'em. 

MEL. Or what say you to another bottle of champagne?

LORD FROTH. Oh, for the universe not a drop more, I beseech you. Oh, intemperate! I have a flushing in my face already. [_Takes out a pocket-glass and looks in it_. ]

BRISK. Let me see, let me see, my lord, I broke my glass that was in thelid of my snuff-box. Hum! Deuce take me, I have encouraged a pimplehere too. [_Takes the glass and looks_. ]

LORD FROTH. Then you must mortify him with a patch; my wife shall supplyyou. Come, gentlemen, _allons_, here is company coming. 

SCENE VI. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD _and_ MASKWELL. 

LADY TOUCH. I'll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful; come, Iknow you false. 

MASK. I have been frail, I confess, madam, for your ladyship's service. 

LADY TOUCH. That I should trust a man whom I had known betray hisfriend!

MASK. What friend have I betrayed? or to whom?

LADY TOUCH. Your fond friend Mellefont, and to me; can you deny it?

MASK. I do not. 

LADY TOUCH. Have you not wronged my lord, who has been a father to youin your wants, and given you being? Have you not wronged him in thehighest manner, in his bed?

MASK. With your ladyship's help, and for your service, as I told youbefore. I can't deny that neither. Anything more, madam?

LADY TOUCH. More! Audacious villain! Oh, what's more, is most myshame. Have you not dishonoured me?

MASK. No, that I deny; for I never told in all my life: so thataccusation's answered; on to the next. 

LADY TOUCH. Death, do you dally with my passion? Insolent devil! Buthave a care, --provoke me not; for, by the eternal fire, you shall not'scape my vengeance. Calm villain! How unconcerned he stands, confessing treachery and ingratitude! Is there a vice more black? Oh, Ihave excuses thousands for my faults; fire in my temper, passions in mysoul, apt to ev'ry provocation, oppressed at once with love, and withdespair. But a sedate, a thinking villain, whose black blood runstemperately bad, what excuse can clear?

MASK. Will you be in temper, madam? I would not talk not to be heard. Ihave been [_she walks about disordered_] a very great rogue for yoursake, and you reproach me with it; I am ready to be a rogue still, to doyou service; and you are flinging conscience and honour in my face, torebate my inclinations. How am I to behave myself? You know I am yourcreature, my life and fortune in your power; to disoblige you brings mecertain ruin. Allow it I would betray you, I would not be a traitor tomyself: I don't pretend to honesty, because you know I am a rascal; but Iwould convince you from the necessity of my being firm to you. 

LADY TOUCH. Necessity, impudence! Can no gratitude incline you, noobligations touch you? Have not my fortune and my person been subjectedto your pleasure? Were you not in the nature of a servant, and have notI in effect made you lord of all, of me, and of my lord? Where is thathumble love, the languishing, that adoration, which once was paid me, andeverlastingly engaged?

MASK. Fixt, rooted in my heart, whence nothing can remove 'em, yet you--

LADY TOUCH. Yet, what yet?

MASK. Nay, misconceive me not, madam, when I say I have had a gen'rousand a faithful passion, which you had never favoured, but through revengeand policy. 

LADY TOUCH. Ha!

MASK. Look you, madam, we are alone, --pray contain yourself and hear me. You know you loved your nephew when I first sighed for you; I quicklyfound it: an argument that I loved, for with that art you veiled yourpassion 'twas imperceptible to all but jealous eyes. This discovery mademe bold; I confess it; for by it I thought you in my power. Yournephew's scorn of you added to my hopes; I watched the occasion, and tookyou, just repulsed by him, warm at once with love and indignation; yourdisposition, my arguments, and happy opportunity accomplished my design;I pressed the yielding minute, and was blest. How I have loved yousince, words have not shown, then how should words express?

LADY TOUCH. Well, mollifying devil! And have I not met your love withforward fire?

MASK. Your zeal, I grant, was ardent, but misplaced; there was revengein view; that woman's idol had defiled the temple of the god, and lovewas made a mock-worship. A son and heir would have edged young Mellefontupon the brink of ruin, and left him none but you to catch at forprevention. 

LADY TOUCH. Again provoke me! Do you wind me like a larum, only torouse my own stilled soul for your diversion? Confusion!

MASK. Nay, madam, I'm gone, if you relapse. What needs this? I saynothing but what you yourself, in open hours of love, have told me. Whyshould you deny it? Nay, how can you? Is not all this present heatowing to the same fire? Do you not love him still? How have I this dayoffended you, but in not breaking off his match with Cynthia? which, ereto-morrow, shall be done, had you but patience. 

LADY TOUCH. How, what said you, Maskwell? Another caprice to unwind mytemper?

MASK. By heav'n, no; I am your slave, the slave of all your pleasures;and will not rest till I have given you peace, would you suffer me. 

LADY TOUCH. O Maskwell! in vain I do disguise me from thee, thou know'stme, knowest the very inmost windings and recesses of my soul. OMellefont! I burn; married to morrow! Despair strikes me. Yet my soulknows I hate him too: let him but once be mine, and next immediate ruinseize him. 

MASK. Compose yourself, you shall possess and ruin him too, --will thatplease you?

LADY TOUCH. How, how? Thou dear, thou precious villain, how?

MASK. You have already been tampering with my Lady Plyant. 

LADY TOUCH. I have: she is ready for any impression I think fit. 

MASK. She must be throughly persuaded that Mellefont loves her. 

LADY TOUCH. She is so credulous that way naturally, and likes him sowell, that she will believe it faster than I can persuade her. But Idon't see what you can propose from such a trifling design, for her firstconversing with Mellefont will convince her of the contrary. 

MASK. I know it. I don't depend upon it. But it will prepare somethingelse, and gain us leisure to lay a stronger plot. If I gain a littletime, I shall not want contrivance. 

One minute gives invention to destroy, What to rebuild will a whole age employ. 

ACT II. 

SCENE I. 

LADY FROTH _and_ CYNTHIA. 

CYNT. Indeed, madam! Is it possible your ladyship could have been somuch in love?

LADY FROTH. I could not sleep; I did not sleep one wink for three weekstogether. 

CYNT. Prodigious! I wonder want of sleep, and so much love and so muchwit as your ladyship has, did not turn your brain. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, my dear Cynthia, you must not rally your friend. Butreally, as you say, I wonder too. But then I had a way. For, betweenyou and I, I had whimsies and vapours, but I gave them vent. 

CYNT. How, pray, madam?

LADY FROTH. Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?

CYNT. Write what?

LADY FROTH. Songs, elegies, satires, encomiums, panegyrics, lampoons, plays, or heroic poems?

CYNT. O Lord, not I, madam; I'm content to be a courteous reader. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, inconsistent! In love and not write! If my lord and Ihad been both of your temper, we had never come together. Oh, bless me!What a sad thing would that have been, if my lord and I should never havemet!

CYNT. Then neither my lord nor you would ever have met with your match, on my conscience. 

LADY FROTH. O' my conscience, no more we should; thou say'st right. Forsure my Lord Froth is as fine a gentleman and as much a man of quality!Ah! nothing at all of the common air. I think I may say he wants nothingbut a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine, the very phosphorus ofour hemisphere. Do you understand those two hard words? If you don't, I'll explain 'em to you. 

CYNT. Yes, yes, madam, I'm not so ignorant. --At least I won't own it, tobe troubled with your instructions. [_Aside_. ]

LADY FROTH. Nay, I beg your pardon; but being derived from the Greek, Ithought you might have escaped the etymology. But I'm the more amazed tofind you a woman of letters and not write! Bless me! how can Mellefontbelieve you love him?

CYNT. Why, faith, madam, he that won't take my word shall never have itunder my hand. 

LADY FROTH. I vow Mellefont's a pretty gentleman, but methinks he wantsa manner. 

CYNT. A manner! What's that, madam?

LADY FROTH. Some distinguishing quality, as, for example, the _bel air_or _brillant_ of Mr. Brisk; the solemnity, yet complaisance of my lord, or something of his own that should look a little _Je-ne-sais-quoish_; heis too much a mediocrity, in my mind. 

CYNT. He does not indeed affect either pertness or formality; for whichI like him. Here he comes. 

LADY FROTH. And my lord with him. Pray observe the difference. 

SCENE II. 

[_To them_] LORD FROTH, MELLEFONT, _and_ BRISK. 

CYNT. Impertinent creature! I could almost be angry with her now. [_Aside_. ]

LADY FROTH. My lord, I have been telling Cynthia how much I have been inlove with you; I swear I have; I'm not ashamed to own it now. Ah! itmakes my heart leap, I vow I sigh when I think on't. My dear lord! Ha, ha, ha, do you remember, my lord? [_Squeezes him by the hand_, _lookskindly on him_, _sighs_, _and then laughs out_. ]

LORD FROTH. Pleasant creature! perfectly well, ah! that look, ay, thereit is; who could resist? 'twas so my heart was made a captive first, andever since t'has been in love with happy slavery. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, that tongue, that dear deceitful tongue! that charmingsoftness in your mien and your expression, and then your bow! Good mylord, bow as you did when I gave you my picture; here, suppose this mypicture. [_Gives him a pocket-glass_. ] Pray mind, my lord; ah! he bowscharmingly; nay, my lord, you shan't kiss it so much; I shall growjealous, I vow now. [_He bows profoundly low_, _then kisses the glass_. ]

LORD FROTH. I saw myself there, and kissed it for your sake. 

LADY FROTH. Ah! Gallantry to the last degree. Mr. Brisk, you're ajudge; was ever anything so well bred as my lord?

BRISK. Never anything, but your ladyship; let me perish. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, prettily turned again; let me die, but you have a greatdeal of wit. Mr. Mellefont, don't you think Mr. Brisk has a world ofwit?

MEL. O yes, madam. 

BRISK. O dear, madam--

LADY FROTH. An infinite deal!

BRISK. O heav'ns, madam--

LADY FROTH. More wit than anybody. 

BRISK. I'm everlastingly your humble servant, deuce take me, madam. 

LORD FROTH. Don't you think us a happy couple?

CYNT. I vow, my lord, I think you the happiest couple in the world, foryou're not only happy in one another, and when you are together, buthappy in yourselves, and by yourselves. 

LORD FROTH. I hope Mellefont will make a good husband too. 

CYNT. 'Tis my interest to believe he will, my Lord. 

LORD FROTH. D'ye think he'll love you as well as I do my wife? I'mafraid not. 

CYNT. I believe he'll love me better. 

LORD FROTH. Heav'ns! that can never be. But why do you think so?

CYNT. Because he has not so much reason to be fond of himself. 

LORD FROTH. Oh, your humble servant for that, dear madam. Well, Mellefont, you'll be a happy creature. 

MEL. Ay, my lord, I shall have the same reason for my happiness thatyour lordship has, I shall think myself happy. 

LORD FROTH. Ah, that's all. 

BRISK. [_To_ LADY FROTH. ] Your ladyship is in the right; but, i'gad, I'm wholly turned into satire. I confess I write but seldom, but when Ido--keen iambics, i'gad. But my lord was telling me your ladyship hasmade an essay toward an heroic poem. 

LADY FROTH. Did my lord tell you? Yes, I vow, and the subject is mylord's love to me. And what do you think I call it? I dare swear youwon't guess--_The Sillabub_, ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. Because my lord's title's Froth, i'gad, ha, ha, ha, deuce takeme, very a propos and surprising, ha, ha, ha. 

LADY FROTH. He, ay, is not it? And then I call my lord Spumoso; andmyself, what d'ye think I call myself?

BRISK. Lactilla, may be, --i'gad, I cannot tell. 

LADY FROTH. Biddy, that's all; just my own name. 

BRISK. Biddy! I'gad, very pretty. Deuce take me if your ladyship hasnot the art of surprising the most naturally in the world. I hope you'llmake me happy in communicating the poem. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, you must be my confidant, I must ask your advice. 

BRISK. I'm your humble servant, let me perish. I presume your ladyshiphas read Bossu?

LADY FROTH. Oh yes, and Racine, and Dacier upon Aristotle and Horace. Mylord, you must not be jealous, I'm communicating all to Mr. Brisk. 

LORD FROTH. No, no, I'll allow Mr. Brisk; have you nothing about you toshew him, my dear?

LADY FROTH. Yes, I believe I have. Mr. Brisk, come, will you go intothe next room? and there I'll shew you what I have. 

LORD FROTH. I'll walk a turn in the garden, and come to you. 

SCENE III. 

MELLEFONT, CYNTHIA. 

MEL. You're thoughtful, Cynthia?

CYNT. I'm thinking, though marriage makes man and wife one flesh, itleaves 'em still two fools; and they become more conspicuous by settingoff one another. 

MEL. That's only when two fools meet, and their follies are opposed. 

CYNT. Nay, I have known two wits meet, and by the opposition of theirwit render themselves as ridiculous as fools. 'Tis an odd game we'regoing to play at. What think you of drawing stakes, and giving over intime?

MEL. No, hang't, that's not endeavouring to win, because it's possiblewe may lose; since we have shuffled and cut, let's even turn up trumpnow. 

CYNT. Then I find it's like cards, if either of us have a good hand itis an accident of fortune. 

MEL. No, marriage is rather like a game at bowls: fortune indeed makesthe match, and the two nearest, and sometimes the two farthest, aretogether, but the game depends entirely upon judgment. 

CYNT. Still it is a game, and consequently one of us must be a loser. 

MEL. Not at all; only a friendly trial of skill, and the winnings to belaid out in an entertainment. What's here, the music? Oh, my lord haspromised the company a new song; we'll get 'em to give it us by the way. [_Musicians crossing the stage_. ] Pray let us have the favour of you, topractise the song before the company hear it. 

SONG. 

I. 

Cynthia frowns whene'er I woo her, Yet she's vext if I give over;Much she fears I should undo her, But much more to lose her lover:Thus, in doubting, she refuses;And not winning, thus she loses. 

II. 

Prithee, Cynthia, look behind you, Age and wrinkles will o'ertake you;Then too late desire will find you, When the power must forsake you:Think, O think o' th' sad condition, To be past, yet wish fruition. 

MEL. You shall have my thanks below. [_To the musicians_, _they goout_. ]

SCENE IV. 

[_To them_] SIR PAUL PLYANT _and_ LADY PLYANT. 

SIR PAUL. Gadsbud! I am provoked into a fermentation, as my Lady Frothsays; was ever the like read of in story?

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, have patience, let me alone to rattle him up. 

SIR PAUL. Pray, your ladyship, give me leave to be angry. I'll rattlehim up, I warrant you, I'll firk him with a _certiorari_. 

LADY PLYANT. You firk him, I'll firk him myself; pray, Sir Paul, holdyou contented. 

CYNT. Bless me, what makes my father in such a passion? I never saw himthus before. 

SIR PAUL. Hold yourself contented, my Lady Plyant. I find passioncoming upon me by inflation, and I cannot submit as formerly, thereforegive way. 

LADY PLYANT. How now! will you be pleased to retire and--

SIR PAUL. No, marry will I not be pleased: I am pleased to be angry, that's my pleasure at this time. 

MEL. What can this mean?

LADY PLYANT. Gads my life, the man's distracted; why, how now, who areyou? What am I? Slidikins, can't I govern you? What did I marry youfor? Am I not to be absolute and uncontrollable? Is it fit a woman ofmy spirit and conduct should be contradicted in a matter of this concern?

SIR PAUL. It concerns me and only me. Besides, I'm not to be governedat all times. When I am in tranquillity, my Lady Plyant shall commandSir Paul; but when I am provoked to fury, I cannot incorporate withpatience and reason: as soon may tigers match with tigers, lambs withlambs, and every creature couple with its foe, as the poet says. 

LADY PLYANT. He's hot-headed still! 'Tis in vain to talk to you; butremember I have a curtain-lecture for you, you disobedient, headstrongbrute. 

SIR PAUL. No, 'tis because I won't be headstrong, because I won't be abrute, and have my head fortified, that I am thus exasperated. But Iwill protect my honour, and yonder is the violator of my fame. 

LADY PLYANT. 'Tis my honour that is concerned, and the violation wasintended to me. Your honour! You have none but what is in my keeping, and I can dispose of it when I please: therefore don't provoke me. 

SIR PAUL. Hum, gadsbud, she says true. Well, my lady, march on; I willfight under you, then: I am convinced, as far as passion will permit. [LADY PLYANT _and_ SIR PAUL _come up to_ MELLEFONT. ]

LADY PLYANT. Inhuman and treacherous--

SIR PAUL. Thou serpent and first tempter of womankind. 

CYNT. Bless me! Sir, madam, what mean you?

SIR PAUL. Thy, Thy, come away, Thy; touch him not. Come hither, girl;go not near him, there's nothing but deceit about him. Snakes are in hisperuke, and the crocodile of Nilus is in his belly; he will eat thee upalive. 

LADY PLYANT. Dishonourable, impudent creature!

MEL. For heav'n's sake, madam, to whom do you direct this language?

LADY PLYANT. Have I behaved myself with all the decorum and nicetybefitting the person of Sir Paul's wife? Have I preserved my honour asit were in a snow-house for these three years past? Have I been whiteand unsullied even by Sir Paul himself?

SIR PAUL. Nay, she has been an invincible wife, even to me; that's thetruth on't. 

LADY PLYANT. Have I, I say, preserved myself like a fair sheet of paperfor you to make a blot upon?

SIR PAUL. And she shall make a simile with any woman in England. 

MEL. I am so amazed, I know not what to say. 

SIR PAUL. Do you think my daughter, this pretty creature--gadsbud, she'sa wife for a cherubim!--do you think her fit for nothing but to be astalking horse, to stand before you, while you take aim at my wife?Gadsbud, I was never angry before in my life, and I'll never be appeasedagain. 

MEL. Hell and damnation! This is my aunt; such malice can be engenderednowhere else. [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, take Cynthia from his sight; leave me to strikehim with the remorse of his intended crime. 

CYNT. Pray, sir, stay, hear him; I dare affirm he's innocent. 

SIR PAUL. Innocent! Why, hark'ee--come hither, Thy--hark'ee, I had itfrom his aunt, my sister Touchwood. Gadsbud, he does not care a farthingfor anything of thee but thy portion. Why, he's in love with my wife. Hewould have tantalised thee, and made a cuckold of thy poor father, andthat would certainly have broke my heart. I'm sure, if ever I shouldhave horns, they would kill me; they would never come kindly--I shoulddie of 'em like a child that was cutting his teeth--I should indeed, Thy--therefore come away; but providence has prevented all, thereforecome away when I bid you. 

CYNT. I must obey. 

SCENE V. 

LADY PLYANT, MELLEFONT. 

LADY PLYANT. Oh, such a thing! the impiety of it startles me--to wrongso good, so fair a creature, and one that loves you tenderly--'tis abarbarity of barbarities, and nothing could be guilty of it--

MEL. But the greatest villain imagination can form, I grant it; and nextto the villainy of such a fact is the villainy of aspersing me with theguilt. How? which way was I to wrong her? For yet I understand you not. 

LADY PLYANT. Why, gads my life, cousin Mellefont, you cannot be soperemptory as to deny it, when I tax you with it to your face? for nowSir Paul's gone, you are _corum nobus_. 

MEL. By heav'n, I love her more than life or--

LADY PLYANT. Fiddle faddle, don't tell me of this and that, andeverything in the world, but give me mathemacular demonstration; answerme directly. But I have not patience. Oh, the impiety of it, as I wassaying, and the unparalleled wickedness! O merciful Father! How couldyou think to reverse nature so, to make the daughter the means ofprocuring the mother?

MEL. The daughter to procure the mother!

LADY PLYANT. Ay, for though I am not Cynthia's own mother, I am herfather's wife, and that's near enough to make it incest. 

MEL. Incest! O my precious aunt, and the devil in conjunction. [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. Oh, reflect upon the horror of that, and then the guilt ofdeceiving everybody; marrying the daughter, only to make a cuckold of thefather; and then seducing me, debauching my purity, and perverting mefrom the road of virtue in which I have trod thus long, and never madeone trip, not one _faux pas_. Oh, consider it! What would you have toanswer for if you should provoke me to frailty? Alas! humanity isfeeble, heav'n knows! very feeble, and unable to support itself. 

MEL. Where am I? is it day? and am I awake? Madam--

LADY PLYANT. And nobody knows how circumstances may happen together. Tomy thinking, now I could resist the strongest temptation. But yet Iknow, 'tis impossible for me to know whether I could or not; there's nocertainty in the things of this life. 

MEL. Madam, pray give me leave to ask you one question. 

LADY PLYANT. O Lord, ask me the question; I'll swear I'll refuse it, Iswear I'll deny it--therefore don't ask me; nay, you shan't ask me, Iswear I'll deny it. O Gemini, you have brought all the blood into myface; I warrant I am as red as a turkey-cock. O fie, cousin Mellefont!

MEL. Nay, madam, hear me; I mean--

LADY PLYANT. Hear you? No, no; I'll deny you first and hear youafterwards. For one does not know how one's mind may change uponhearing. Hearing is one of the senses, and all the senses are fallible. I won't trust my honour, I assure you; my honour is infallible anduncomeatable. 

MEL. For heav'n's sake, madam--

LADY PLYANT. Oh, name it no more. Bless me, how can you talk of heav'n, and have so much wickedness in your heart? May be you don't think it asin--they say some of you gentlemen don't think it a sin. May be it isno sin to them that don't think it so; indeed, if I did not think it asin--But still my honour, if it were no sin. But then, to marry mydaughter for the conveniency of frequent opportunities, I'll neverconsent to that; as sure as can be, I'll break the match. 

MEL. Death and amazement! Madam, upon my knees--

LADY PLYANT. Nay, nay, rise up; come, you shall see my good-nature. Iknow love is powerful, and nobody can help his passion. 'Tis not yourfault; nor, I swear, it is not mine. How can I help it, if I havecharms? And how can you help it, if you are made a captive? I swear itis pity it should be a fault. But my honour, --well, but your honour, too--but the sin!--well, but the necessity--O Lord, here's somebodycoming, I dare not stay. Well, you must consider of your crime; andstrive as much as can be against it, --strive, be sure. But don't bemelancholic; don't despair. But never think that I'll grant youanything. O Lord, no. But be sure you lay aside all thoughts of themarriage, for though I know you don't love Cynthia, only as a blind foryour passion to me, yet it will make me jealous. O Lord, what did I say?Jealous! no, no, I can't be jealous, for I must not love you; thereforedon't hope, --but don't despair neither. Oh, they're coming, I must fly. 

SCENE VI. 

MELLEFONT _alone_. 

MEL. [_After a pause_. ] So then, spite of my care and foresight, I amcaught, caught in my security. Yet this was but a shallow artifice, unworthy of my Machiavellian aunt. There must be more behind: this isbut the first flash, the priming of her engine. Destruction followshard, if not most presently prevented. 

SCENE VII. 

[_To him_] MASKWELL. 

MEL. Maskwell, welcome, thy presence is a view of land, appearing to myshipwrecked hopes. The witch has raised the storm, and her ministershave done their work: you see the vessels are parted. 

MASK. I know it. I met Sir Paul towing away Cynthia. Come, trouble notyour head; I'll join you together ere to-morrow morning, or drown betweenyou in the attempt. 

MEL. There's comfort in a hand stretched out to one that's sinking;though ne'er so far off. 

MASK. No sinking, nor no danger. Come, cheer up; why, you don't knowthat while I plead for you, your aunt has given me a retaining fee. Nay, I am your greatest enemy, and she does but journey-work under me. 

MEL. Ha! how's this?

MASK. What d'ye think of my being employed in the execution of all herplots? Ha, ha, ha, by heav'n, it's true: I have undertaken to break thematch; I have undertaken to make your uncle disinherit you; to get youturned out of doors; and to--ha, ha, ha, I can't tell you for laughing. Oh, she has opened her heart to me! I am to turn you a-grazing, andto--ha, ha, ha, marry Cynthia myself. There's a plot for you. 

MEL. Ha! Oh, see, I see my rising sun! Light breaks through cloudsupon me, and I shall live in day--Oh, my Maskwell! how shall I thank orpraise thee? Thou hast outwitted woman. But, tell me, how couldst thouthus get into her confidence? Ha! How? But was it her contrivance topersuade my Lady Plyant to this extravagant belief?

MASK. It was; and to tell you the truth, I encouraged it for yourdiversion. Though it made you a little uneasy for the present, yet thereflection of it must needs be entertaining. I warrant she was veryviolent at first. 

MEL. Ha, ha, ha, ay, a very fury; but I was most afraid of her violenceat last. If you had not come as you did, I don't know what she mighthave attempted. 

MASK. Ha, ha, ha, I know her temper. Well, you must know, then, thatall my contrivances were but bubbles, till at last I pretended to havebeen long secretly in love with Cynthia; that did my business, thatconvinced your aunt I might be trusted; since it was as much my interestas hers to break the match. Then, she thought my jealousy might qualifyme to assist her in her revenge. And, in short, in that belief, told methe secrets of her heart. At length we made this agreement, if Iaccomplish her designs (as I told you before) she has engaged to putCynthia with all her fortune into my power. 

MEL. She is most gracious in her favour. Well, and, dear Jack, how hastthou contrived?

MASK. I would not have you stay to hear it now; for I don't know but shemay come this way. I am to meet her anon; after that, I'll tell you thewhole matter. Be here in this gallery an hour hence; by that time Iimagine our consultation may be over. 

MEL. I will; till then success attend thee. 

SCENE VIII. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

Till then, success will attend me; for when I meet you, I meet the onlyobstacle to my fortune. Cynthia, let thy beauty gild my crimes; andwhatsoever I commit of treachery or deceit, shall be imputed to me as amerit. Treachery? What treachery? Love cancels all the bonds offriendship, and sets men right upon their first foundations. 

Duty to kings, piety to parents, gratitude to benefactors, and fidelityto friends, are different and particular ties. But the name of rivalcuts 'em all asunder, and is a general acquittance. Rival is equal, andlove like death an universal leveller of mankind. Ha! But is there notsuch a thing as honesty? Yes, and whosoever has it about him, bears anenemy in his breast. For your honest man, as I take it, is that nice, scrupulous, conscientious person, who will cheat nobody but himself; suchanother coxcomb as your wise man, who is too hard for all the world, andwill be made a fool of by nobody but himself; ha, ha, ha. Well, forwisdom and honesty give me cunning and hypocrisy; oh, 'tis such apleasure to angle for fair-faced fools! Then that hungry gudgeoncredulity will bite at anything. Why, let me see, I have the same face, the same words and accents when I speak what I do think, and when I speakwhat I do not think, the very same; and dear dissimulation is the onlyart not to be known from nature. 

 Why will mankind be fools, and be deceived, And why are friends' and lovers' oaths believed, When each, who searches strictly his own mind, May so much fraud and power of baseness find?

ACT III. 

SCENE I. 

LORD TOUCHWOOD _and_ LADY TOUCHWOOD. 

LADY TOUCH. My lord, can you blame my brother Plyant if he refuse hisdaughter upon this provocation? The contract's void by this unheard-ofimpiety. 

LORD TOUCH. I don't believe it true; he has better principles. Pho, 'tis nonsense. Come, come, I know my Lady Plyant has a large eye, andwould centre everything in her own circle; 'tis not the first time shehas mistaken respect for love, and made Sir Paul jealous of the civilityof an undesigning person, the better to bespeak his security in herunfeigned pleasures. 

LADY TOUCH. You censure hardly, my lord; my sister's honour is very wellknown. 

LORD TOUCH. Yes, I believe I know some that have been familiarlyacquainted with it. This is a little trick wrought by some pitifulcontriver, envious of my nephew's merit. 

LADY TOUCH. Nay, my lord, it may be so, and I hope it will be found so. But that will require some time; for in such a case as this, demonstration is necessary. 

LORD TOUCH. There should have been demonstration of the contrary too, before it had been believed. 

LADY TOUCH. So I suppose there was. 

LORD TOUCH. How? Where? When?

LADY TOUCH. That I can't tell; nay, I don't say there was. I am willingto believe as favourably of my nephew as I can. 

LORD TOUCH. I don't know that. [_Half aside_. ]

LADY TOUCH. How? Don't you believe that, say you, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. No, I don't say so. I confess I am troubled to find you socold in his defence. 

LADY TOUCH. His defence! Bless me, would you have me defend an illthing?

LORD TOUCH. You believe it, then?

LADY TOUCH. I don't know; I am very unwilling to speak my thoughts inanything that may be to my cousin's disadvantage: besides, I find, mylord, you are prepared to receive an ill impression from any opinion ofmine which is not consenting with your own. But, since I am like to besuspected in the end, and 'tis a pain any longer to dissemble, I own itto you; in short I do believe it, nay, and can believe anything worse, ifit were laid to his charge. Don't ask me my reasons, my lord, for theyare not fit to be told you. 

LORD TOUCH. I'm amazed: there must be something more than ordinary inthis. [_Aside_. ] Not fit to be told me, madam? You can have nointerests wherein I am not concerned, and consequently the same reasonsought to be convincing to me, which create your satisfaction or disquiet. 

LADY TOUCH. But those which cause my disquiet I am willing to haveremote from your hearing. Good my lord, don't press me. 

LORD TOUCH. Don't oblige me to press you. 

LADY TOUCH. Whatever it was, 'tis past. And that is better to beunknown which cannot be prevented; therefore let me beg you to restsatisfied. 

LORD TOUCH. When you have told me, I will. 

LADY TOUCH. You won't. 

LORD TOUCH. By my life, my dear, I will. 

LADY TOUCH. What if you can't?

LORD TOUCH. How? Then I must know, nay, I will. No more trifling. Icharge you tell me. By all our mutual peace to come; upon your duty--

LADY TOUCH. Nay, my lord, you need say no more, to make me lay my heartbefore you, but don't be thus transported; compose yourself. It is notof concern to make you lose one minute's temper. 'Tis not, indeed, mydear. Nay, by this kiss you shan't be angry. O Lord, I wish I had nottold you anything. Indeed, my lord, you have frighted me. Nay, lookpleased, I'll tell you. 

LORD TOUCH. Well, well. 

LADY TOUCH. Nay, but will you be calm? Indeed it's nothing but--

LORD TOUCH. But what?

LADY TOUCH. But will you promise me not to be angry? Nay, you must--notto be angry with Mellefont? I dare swear he's sorry, and were it to doagain, would not--

LORD TOUCH. Sorry for what? 'Death, you rack me with delay. 

LADY TOUCH. Nay, no great matter, only--well, I have your promise. Pho, why nothing, only your nephew had a mind to amuse himself sometimes witha little gallantry towards me. Nay, I can't think he meant anythingseriously, but methought it looked oddly. 

LORD TOUCH. Confusion and hell, what do I hear?

LADY TOUCH. Or, may be, he thought he was not enough akin to me, uponyour account, and had a mind to create a nearer relation on his own; alover you know, my lord. Ha, ha, ha. Well, but that's all. Now youhave it; well remember your promise, my lord, and don't take any noticeof it to him. 

LORD TOUCH. No, no, no. Damnation!

LADY TOUCH. Nay, I swear you must not. A little harmless mirth; onlymisplaced, that's all. But if it were more, 'tis over now, and all'swell. For my part I have forgot it, and so has he, I hope, --for I havenot heard anything from him these two days. 

LORD TOUCH. These two days! Is it so fresh? Unnatural villain! Death, I'll have him stripped and turned naked out of my doors this moment, andlet him rot and perish, incestuous brute!

LADY TOUCH. Oh, for heav'n's sake, my lord, you'll ruin me if you takesuch public notice of it; it will be a town talk. Consider your own andmy honour; nay, I told you you would not be satisfied when you knew it. 

LORD TOUCH. Before I've done I will be satisfied. Ungrateful monster!how long?

LADY TOUCH. Lord, I don't know; I wish my lips had grown together when Itold you. Almost a twelvemonth. Nay, I won't tell you any more till youare yourself. Pray, my lord, don't let the company see you in thisdisorder. Yet, I confess, I can't blame you; for I think I was never sosurprised in my life. Who would have thought my nephew could have somisconstrued my kindness? But will you go into your closet, and recoveryour temper. I'll make an excuse of sudden business to the company, andcome to you. Pray, good, dear my lord, let me beg you do now. I'll comeimmediately and tell you all; will you, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. I will--I am mute with wonder. 

LADY TOUCH. Well, but go now, here's somebody coming. 

LORD TOUCH. Well, I go. You won't stay? for I would hear more of this. 

LADY TOUCH. I follow instantly. So. 

SCENE II. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD, MASKWELL. 

MASK. This was a masterpiece, and did not need my help, though I stoodready for a cue to come in and confirm all, had there been occasion. 

LADY TOUCH. Have you seen Mellefont?

MASK. I have; and am to meet him here about this time. 

LADY TOUCH. How does he bear his disappointment?

MASK. Secure in my assistance, he seemed not much afflicted, but ratherlaughed at the shallow artifice, which so little time must of necessitydiscover. Yet he is apprehensive of some farther design of yours, andhas engaged me to watch you. I believe he will hardly be able to preventyour plot, yet I would have you use caution and expedition. 

LADY TOUCH. Expedition indeed, for all we do must be performed in theremaining part of this evening, and before the company break up, lest mylord should cool and have an opportunity to talk with him privately. Mylord must not see him again. 

MASK. By no means; therefore you must aggravate my lord's displeasure toa degree that will admit of no conference with him. What think you ofmentioning me?

LADY TOUCH. How?

MASK. To my lord, as having been privy to Mellefont's design upon you, but still using my utmost endeavours to dissuade him, though myfriendship and love to him has made me conceal it; yet you may say, Ithreatened the next time he attempted anything of that kind to discoverit to my lord. 

LADY TOUCH. To what end is this?

MASK. It will confirm my lord's opinion of my honour and honesty, andcreate in him a new confidence in me, which (should this design miscarry)will be necessary to the forming another plot that I have in my head. --Tocheat you as well as the rest. [_Aside_. ]

LADY TOUCH. I'll do it--I'll tell him you hindered him once from forcingme. 

MASK. Excellent! Your ladyship has a most improving fancy. You hadbest go to my lord, keep him as long as you can in his closet, and Idoubt not but you will mould him to what you please; your guests are soengaged in their own follies and intrigues, they'll miss neither of you. 

LADY TOUCH. When shall we meet?--at eight this evening in my chamber?There rejoice at our success, and toy away an hour in mirth. 

MASK. I will not fail. 

SCENE III. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

I know what she means by toying away an hour well enough. Pox, I havelost all appetite to her; yet she's a fine woman, and I loved her once. But I don't know: since I have been in a great measure kept by her, thecase is altered; what was my pleasure is become my duty, and I have aslittle stomach to her now as if I were her husband. Should she smoke mydesign upon Cynthia, I were in a fine pickle. She has a damnedpenetrating head, and knows how to interpret a coldness the right way;therefore I must dissemble ardour and ecstasy; that's resolved. Howeasily and pleasantly is that dissembled before fruition! Pox on't thata man can't drink without quenching his thirst. Ha! yonder comesMellefont, thoughtful. Let me think. Meet her at eight--hum--ha! Byheav'n I have it. --If I can speak to my lord before. Was it my brain orprovidence? No matter which--I will deceive 'em all, and yet securemyself. 'Twas a lucky thought! Well, this double-dealing is a jewel. Here he comes, now for me. [MASKWELL, _pretending not to see him_, _walks by him_, _and speaks as it were to himself_. ]

SCENE IV. 

[_To him_] MELLEFONT, _musing_. 

MASK. Mercy on us, what will the wickedness of this world come to?

MEL. How now, Jack? What, so full of contemplation that you run over?

MASK. I'm glad you're come, for I could not contain myself any longer, and was just going to give vent to a secret, which nobody but you oughtto drink down. Your aunt's just gone from hence. 

MEL. And having trusted thee with the secrets of her soul, thou artvillainously bent to discover 'em all to me, ha?

MASK. I'm afraid my frailty leans that way. But I don't know whether Ican in honour discover 'em all. 

MEL. All, all, man! What, you may in honour betray her as far as shebetrays herself. No tragical design upon my person, I hope. 

MASK. No, but it's a comical design upon mine. 

MEL. What dost thou mean?

MASK. Listen and be dumb; we have been bargaining about the rate of yourruin--

MEL. Like any two guardians to an orphan heiress. Well?

MASK. And whereas pleasure is generally paid with mischief, whatmischief I do is to be paid with pleasure. 

MEL. So when you've swallowed the potion you sweeten your mouth with aplum. 

MASK. You are merry, sir, but I shall probe your constitution. Inshort, the price of your banishment is to be paid with the person of--

MEL. Of Cynthia and her fortune. Why, you forget you told me thisbefore. 

MASK. No, no. So far you are right; and I am, as an earnest of thatbargain, to have full and free possession of the person of--your aunt. 

MEL. Ha! Pho, you trifle. 

MASK. By this light, I'm serious; all raillery apart. I knew 'twouldstun you. This evening at eight she will receive me in her bedchamber. 

MEL. Hell and the devil, is she abandoned of all grace? Why, the womanis possessed. 

MASK. Well, will you go in my stead?

MEL. By heav'n, into a hot furnace sooner. 

MASK. No, you would not; it would not be so convenient, as I can ordermatters. 

MEL. What d'ye mean?

MASK. Mean? Not to disappoint the lady, I assure you. Ha, ha, ha, howgravely he looks. Come, come, I won't perplex you. 'Tis the only thingthat providence could have contrived to make me capable of serving you, either to my inclination or your own necessity. 

MEL. How, how, for heav'n's sake, dear Maskwell?

MASK. Why, thus. I'll go according to appointment; you shall havenotice at the critical minute to come and surprise your aunt and metogether. Counterfeit a rage against me, and I'll make my escape throughthe private passage from her chamber, which I'll take care to leave open. 'Twill be hard if then you can't bring her to any conditions. For thisdiscovery will disarm her of all defence, and leave her entirely at yourmercy--nay, she must ever after be in awe of you. 

MEL. Let me adore thee, my better genius! By heav'n I think it is notin the power of fate to disappoint my hopes--my hopes? My certainty!

MASK. Well, I'll meet you here, within a quarter of eight, and give younotice. 

MEL. Good fortune ever go along with thee. 

SCENE V. 

MELLEFONT, CARELESS. 

CARE. Mellefont, get out o' th' way, my Lady Plyant's coming, and Ishall never succeed while thou art in sight. Though she begins to tackabout; but I made love a great while to no purpose. 

MEL. Why, what's the matter? She's convinced that I don't care for her. 

CARE. I can't get an answer from her, that does not begin with herhonour, or her virtue, her religion, or some such cant. Then she hastold me the whole history of Sir Paul's nine years courtship; how he haslain for whole nights together upon the stairs before her chamber-door;and that the first favour he received from her was a piece of an oldscarlet petticoat for a stomacher, which since the day of his marriage hehas out of a piece of gallantry converted into a night-cap, and wears itstill with much solemnity on his anniversary wedding-night. 

MEL. That I have seen, with the ceremony thereunto belonging. For onthat night he creeps in at the bed's feet like a gulled bassa that hasmarried a relation of the Grand Signior, and that night he has his armsat liberty. Did not she tell you at what a distance she keeps him? Hehas confessed to me that, but at some certain times, that is, I suppose, when she apprehends being with child, he never has the privilege of usingthe familiarity of a husband with a wife. He was once given toscrambling with his hands, and sprawling in his sleep, and ever since shehas him swaddled up in blankets, and his hands and feet swathed down, andso put to bed; and there he lies with a great beard, like a Russian bearupon a drift of snow. You are very great with him, I wonder he nevertold you his grievances: he will, I warrant you. 

CARE. Excessively foolish! But that which gives me most hopes of her isher telling me of the many temptations she has resisted. 

MEL. Nay, then you have her; for a woman's bragging to a man that shehas overcome temptations is an argument that they were weakly offered, and a challenge to him to engage her more irresistibly. 'Tis only anenhancing the price of the commodity, by telling you how many customershave underbid her. 

CARE. Nay, I don't despair. But still she has a grudging to you. Italked to her t'other night at my Lord Froth's masquerade, when I'msatisfied she knew me, and I had no reason to complain of my reception;but I find women are not the same bare-faced and in masks, and a vizordisguises their inclinations as much as their faces. 

MEL. 'Tis a mistake, for women may most properly be said to be unmaskedwhen they wear vizors; for that secures them from blushing and being outof countenance, and next to being in the dark, or alone, they are mosttruly themselves in a vizor mask. Here they come: I'll leave you. Plyher close, and by and by clap a _billet doux_ into her hand; for a womannever thinks a man truly in love with her, till he has been fool enoughto think of her out of her sight, and to lose so much time as to write toher. 

SCENE VI. 

CARELESS, SIR PAUL, _and_ LADY PLYANT. 

SIR PAUL. Shan't we disturb your meditation, Mr. Careless? You would beprivate?

CARE. You bring that along with you, Sir Paul, that shall be alwayswelcome to my privacy. 

SIR PAUL. O sweet sir, you load your humble servants, both me and mywife, with continual favours. 

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, what a phrase was there? You will be makinganswers, and taking that upon you which ought to lie upon me. That youshould have so little breeding to think Mr. Careless did not applyhimself to me. Pray what have you to entertain anybody's privacy? Iswear and declare in the face of the world I'm ready to blush for yourignorance. 

SIR PAUL. I acquiesce, my lady; but don't snub so loud. [_Aside toher_. ]

LADY PLYANT. Mr. Careless, if a person that is wholly illiterate mightbe supposed to be capable of being qualified to make a suitable return tothose obligations, which you are pleased to confer upon one that iswholly incapable of being qualified in all those circumstances, I'm sureI should rather attempt it than anything in the world, [_Courtesies_] forI'm sure there's nothing in the world that I would rather. [_Courtesies_]But I know Mr. Careless is so great a critic, and so fine a gentleman, that it is impossible for me--

CARE. O heavens! madam, you confound me. 

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, she's a fine person. 

LADY PLYANT. O Lord! sir, pardon me, we women have not those advantages;I know my imperfections. But at the same time you must give me leave todeclare in the face of the world that nobody is more sensible of favoursand things; for with the reserve of my honour I assure you, Mr. Careless, I don't know anything in the world I would refuse to a person someritorious. You'll pardon my want of expression. 

CARE. O, your ladyship is abounding in all excellence, particularly thatof phrase. 

LADY PLYANT. You are so obliging, sir. 

CARE. Your ladyship is so charming. 

SIR PAUL. So, now, now; now, my lady. 

LADY PLYANT. So well bred. 

CARE. So surprising. 

LADY PLYANT. So well dressed, so _bonne mine_, so eloquent, sounaffected, so easy, so free, so particular, so agreeable. 

SIR PAUL. Ay, so, so, there. 

CARE. O Lord, I beseech you madam, don't. 

LADY PLYANT. So gay, so graceful, so good teeth, so fine shape, so finelimbs, so fine linen, and I don't doubt but you have a very good skin, sir, CARE. For heaven's sake, madam, I'm quite out of countenance. 

SIR PAUL. And my lady's quite out of breath; or else you shouldhear--Gads-bud, you may talk of my Lady Froth. 

CARE. O fie, fie, not to be named of a day. My Lady Froth is very wellin her accomplishments. But it is when my Lady Plyant is not thought of. If that can ever be. 

LADY PLYANT. O, you overcome me. That is so excessive. 

SIR PAUL. Nay, I swear and vow that was pretty. 

CARE. O, Sir Paul, you are the happiest man alive. Such a lady! that isthe envy of her own sex, and the admiration of ours. 

SIR PAUL. Your humble servant. I am, I thank heaven, in a fine way ofliving, as I may say, peacefully and happily, and I think need not envyany of my neighbours, blessed be providence. Ay, truly, Mr. Careless, mylady is a great blessing, a fine, discreet, well-spoken woman as youshall see, if it becomes me to say so, and we live very comfortablytogether; she is a little hasty sometimes, and so am I; but mine's soonover, and then I'm so sorry. --O Mr. Careless, if it were not for onething--

SCENE VII. 

CARELESS, SIR PAUL, LADY PLYANT, BOY _with a letter_. 

LADY PLYANT. How often have you been told of that, you jackanapes?

SIR PAUL. Gad so, gad's-bud. Tim, carry it to my lady, you should havecarried it to my lady first. 

BOY. 'Tis directed to your worship. 

SIR PAUL. Well, well, my lady reads all letters first. Child, do so nomore; d'ye hear, Tim. 

BOY. No, and please you. 

SCENE VIII. 

CARELESS, SIR PAUL, LADY PLYANT. 

SIR PAUL. A humour of my wife's: you know women have little fancies. Butas I was telling you, Mr. Careless, if it were not for one thing, Ishould think myself the happiest man in the world; indeed that touches menear, very near. 

CARE. What can that be, Sir Paul?

SIR PAUL. Why, I have, I thank heaven, a very plentiful fortune, a goodestate in the country, some houses in town, and some money, a prettytolerable personal estate; and it is a great grief to me, indeed it is, Mr. Careless, that I have not a son to inherit this. 'Tis true I have adaughter, and a fine dutiful child she is, though I say it, blessed beprovidence I may say; for indeed, Mr. Careless, I am mightily beholden toprovidence. A poor unworthy sinner. But if I had a son! Ah, that's myaffliction, and my only affliction; indeed I cannot refrain tears when itcomes in my mind. [_Cries_. ]

CARE. Why, methinks that might be easily remedied--my lady's a finelikely woman--

SIR PAUL. Oh, a fine likely woman as you shall see in a summer's day. Indeed she is, Mr. Careless, in all respects. 

CARE. And I should not have taken you to have been so old--

SIR PAUL. Alas, that's not it, Mr. Careless; ah! that's not it; no, no, you shoot wide of the mark a mile; indeed you do, that's not it, Mr. Careless; no, no, that's not it. 

CARE. No? What can be the matter then?

SIR PAUL. You'll scarcely believe me when I shall tell you--my lady isso nice. It's very strange, but it's true; too true--she's so very nice, that I don't believe she would touch a man for the world. At least notabove once a year; I'm sure I have found it so; and, alas, what's once ayear to an old man, who would do good in his generation? Indeed it'strue, Mr. Careless, it breaks my heart. I am her husband, as I may say;though far unworthy of that honour, yet I am her husband; but alas-a-day, I have no more familiarity with her person--as to that matter--than withmy own mother--no indeed. 

CARE. Alas-a-day, this is a lamentable story. My lady must be toldon't. She must i'faith, Sir Paul; 'tis an injury to the world. 

SIR PAUL. Ah! would to heaven you would, Mr. Careless; you are mightilyin her favour. 

CARE. I warrant you, what! we must have a son some way or other. 

SIR PAUL. Indeed I should be mightily bound to you if you could bring itabout, Mr. Careless. 

LADY PLYANT. Here, Sir Paul, it's from your steward. Here's a return of600 pounds; you may take fifty of it for the next half year. [_Gives himthe letter_. ]

SCENE IX. 

[_To them_] LORD FROTH, CYNTHIA. 

SIR PAUL. How does my girl? Come hither to thy father, poor lamb:thou'rt melancholic. 

LORD FROTH. Heaven, Sir Paul, you amaze me, of all things in the world. You are never pleased but when we are all upon the broad grin: all laughand no company; ah, then 'tis such a sight to see some teeth. Sureyou're a great admirer of my Lady Whifler, Mr. Sneer, and Sir LaurenceLoud, and that gang. 

SIR PAUL. I vow and swear she's a very merry woman; but I think shelaughs a little too much. 

LORD FROTH. Merry! O Lord, what a character that is of a woman ofquality. You have been at my Lady Whifler's upon her day, madam?

CYNT. Yes, my lord. I must humour this fool. [_Aside_. ]

LORD FROTH. Well, and how? hee! What is your sense of the conversation?

CYNT. Oh, most ridiculous, a perpetual comfort of laughing without anyharmony; for sure, my lord, to laugh out of time, is as disagreeable asto sing out of time or out of tune. 

LORD FROTH. Hee, hee, hee, right; and then, my Lady Whifler is soready--she always comes in three bars too soon. And then, what do theylaugh at? For you know laughing without a jest is as impertinent, hee!as, as--

CYNT. As dancing without a fiddle. 

LORD FROTH. Just i'faith, that was at my tongue's end. 

CYNT. But that cannot be properly said of them, for I think they are allin good nature with the world, and only laugh at one another; and youmust allow they have all jests in their persons, though they have none intheir conversation. 

LORD FROTH. True, as I'm a person of honour. For heaven's sake let ussacrifice 'em to mirth a little. [_Enter_ BOY _and whispers_ SIR PAUL. ]

SIR PAUL. Gads so. --Wife, wife, my Lady Plyant, I have a word. 

LADY PLYANT. I'm busy, Sir Paul, I wonder at your impertinence. 

CARE. Sir Paul, harkee, I'm reasoning the matter you know. Madam, ifyour ladyship please, we'll discourse of this in the next room. 

SIR PAUL. O ho, I wish you good success, I wish you good success. Boy, tell my lady, when she has done, I would speak with her below. 

SCENE X. 

CYNTHIA, LORD FROTH, LADY FROTH, BRISK. 

LADY FROTH. Then you think that episode between Susan, the dairy-maid, and our coachman is not amiss; you know, I may suppose the dairy in town, as well as in the country. 

BRISK. Incomparable, let me perish. But then, being an heroic poem, hadyou not better call him a charioteer? Charioteer sounds great; besides, your ladyship's coachman having a red face, and you comparing him to thesun--and you know the sun is called Heaven's charioteer. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, infinitely better; I'm extremely beholden to you for thehint; stay, we'll read over those half a score lines again. [_Pulls outa paper_. ] Let me see here, you know what goes before, --the comparison, you know. [_Reads_. ]

 For as the sun shines ev'ry day, So of our coachman I may say. 

BRISK. I'm afraid that simile won't do in wet weather; because you saythe sun shines every day. 

LADY FROTH. No; for the sun it won't, but it will do for the coachman, for you know there's most occasion for a coach in wet weather. 

BRISK. Right, right, that saves all. 

LADY FROTH. Then I don't say the sun shines all the day, but that hepeeps now and then; yet he does shine all the day too, you know, thoughwe don't see him. 

BRISK. Right, but the vulgar will never comprehend that. 

LADY FROTH. Well, you shall hear. Let me see. [_Reads_. ]

 For as the sun shines ev'ry day, So of our coachman I may say, He shows his drunken fiery face, Just as the sun does, more or less. 

BRISK. That's right, all's well, all's well. 'More or less. '

LADY FROTH reads:

 And when at night his labour's done, Then too, like Heav'n's charioteer the sun:

Ay, charioteer does better. 

 Into the dairy he descends, And there his whipping and his driving ends; There he's secure from danger of a bilk, His fare is paid him, and he sets in milk. 

For Susan you know, is Thetis, and so--

BRISK. Incomparable well and proper, egad--but I have one exception tomake--don't you think bilk--(I know it's good rhyme)--but don't you think_bilk_ and _fare_ too like a hackney coachman?

LADY FROTH. I swear and vow I'm afraid so. And yet our Jehu was ahackney coachman, when my lord took him. 

BRISK. Was he? I'm answered, if Jehu was a hackney coachman. You mayput that in the marginal notes though, to prevent criticism--only mark itwith a small asterism, and say, 'Jehu was formerly a hackney coachman. '

LADY FROTH. I will. You'd oblige me extremely to write notes to thewhole poem. 

BRISK. With all my heart and soul, and proud of the vast honour, let meperish. 

LORD FROTH. Hee, hee, hee, my dear, have you done? won't you join withus? We were laughing at my Lady Whifler and Mr. Sneer. 

LADY FROTH. Ay, my dear, were you? Oh, filthy Mr. Sneer; he's anauseous figure, a most fulsamic fop, foh! He spent two days together ingoing about Covent Garden to suit the lining of his coach with hiscomplexion. 

LORD FROTH. O silly! yet his aunt is as fond of him as if she hadbrought the ape into the world herself. 

BRISK. Who, my Lady Toothless? Oh, she's a mortifying spectacle; she'salways chewing the cud like an old ewe. 

CYNT. Fie, Mr. Brisk, eringo's for her cough. 

LADY FROTH. I have seen her take 'em half chewed out of her mouth, tolaugh, and then put 'em in again. Foh!

LORD FROTH. Foh!

LADY FROTH. Then she's always ready to laugh when Sneer offers to speak, and sits in expectation of his no jest, with her gums bare, and her mouthopen--

BRISK. Like an oyster at low ebb, egad. Ha, ha, ha!

CYNT. [_Aside_] Well, I find there are no fools so inconsiderable inthemselves but they can render other people contemptible by exposingtheir infirmities. 

LADY FROTH. Then that t'other great strapping lady--I can't hit of hername; the old fat fool that paints so exorbitantly. 

BRISK. I know whom you mean--but deuce take me, I can't hit of her nameneither. Paints, d'ye say? Why, she lays it on with a trowel. Then shehas a great beard that bristles through it, and makes her look as if shewere plastered with lime and hair, let me perish. 

LADY FROTH. Oh, you made a song upon her, Mr. Brisk. 

BRISK. He! egad, so I did. My lord can sing it. 

CYNT. O good, my lord, let's hear it. 

BRISK. 'Tis not a song neither, it's a sort of an epigram, or rather anepigrammatic sonnet; I don't know what to call it, but it's satire. Singit, my lord. 

LORD FROTH sings. 

 Ancient Phyllis has young graces, 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one; Shall I tell you how? She herself makes her own faces, And each morning wears a new one; Where's the wonder now?

BRISK. Short, but there's salt in't; my way of writing, egad. 

SCENE XI. 

[_To them_] FOOTMAN. 

LADY FROTH. How now?

FOOT. Your ladyship's chair is come. 

LADY FROTH. Is nurse and the child in it?

FOOT. Yes, madam. 

LADY FROTH. O the dear creature! Let's go see it. 

LORD FROTH. I swear, my dear, you'll spoil that child, with sending itto and again so often; this is the seventh time the chair has gone forher to-day. 

LADY FROTH. O law! I swear it's but the sixth--and I haven't seen herthese two hours. The poor creature--I swear, my lord, you don't lovepoor little Sapho. Come, my dear Cynthia, Mr. Brisk, we'll go see Sapho, though my lord won't. 

CYNT. I'll wait upon your ladyship. 

BRISK. Pray, madam, how old is Lady Sapho?

LADY FROTH. Three-quarters, but I swear she has a world of wit, and cansing a tune already. My lord, won't you go? Won't you? What! not tosee Saph? Pray, my lord, come see little Saph. I knew you could notstay. 

SCENE XII. 

CYNTHIA _alone_. 

CYNT. 'Tis not so hard to counterfeit joy in the depth of affliction, asto dissemble mirth in company of fools. Why should I call 'em fools? Theworld thinks better of 'em; for these have quality and education, wit andfine conversation, are received and admired by the world. If not, theylike and admire themselves. And why is not that true wisdom? for 'tishappiness: and for ought I know, we have misapplied the name all thiswhile, and mistaken the thing: since

 If happiness in self-content is placed, The wise are wretched, and fools only bless'd. 

ACT IV. 

SCENE I. 

MELLEFONT _and_ CYNTHIA. 

CYNT. I heard him loud as I came by the closet-door, and my lady withhim, but she seemed to moderate his passion. 

MEL. Ay, hell thank her, as gentle breezes moderate a fire; but I shallcounter-work her spells, and ride the witch in her own bridle. 

CYNT. It's impossible; she'll cast beyond you still. I'll lay my lifeit will never be a match. 

MEL. What?

CYNT. Between you and me. 

MEL. Why so?

CYNT. My mind gives me it won't, because we are both willing. We eachof us strive to reach the goal, and hinder one another in the race. Iswear it never does well when the parties are so agreed; for when peoplewalk hand in hand there's neither overtaking nor meeting. We hunt incouples, where we both pursue the same game but forget one another; and'tis because we are so near that we don't think of coming together. 

MEL. Hum, 'gad I believe there's something in it. Marriage is the gamethat we hunt, and while we think that we only have it in view, I don'tsee but we have it in our power. 

CYNT. Within reach; for example, give me your hand. You have lookedthrough the wrong end of the perspective all this while, for nothing hasbeen between us but our fears. 

MEL. I don't know why we should not steal out of the house this verymoment and marry one another, without consideration or the fear ofrepentance. Pox o' fortune, portion, settlements, and jointures. 

CYNT. Ay, ay, what have we to do with 'em? You know we marry for love. 

MEL. Love, love, downright, very villainous love. 

CYNT. And he that can't live upon love deserves to die in a ditch. Herethen, I give you my promise, in spite of duty, any temptation of wealth, your inconstancy, or my own inclination to change--

MEL. To run most wilfully and unreasonably away with me this moment andbe married. 

CYNT. Hold. Never to marry anybody else. 

MEL. That's but a kind of negative consent. Why, you won't baulk thefrolic?

CYNT. If you had not been so assured of your own conduct I would not. But 'tis but reasonable that since I consent to like a man without thevile consideration of money, he should give me a very evidentdemonstration of his wit: therefore let me see you undermine my LadyTouchwood, as you boasted, and force her to give her consent, and then--

MEL. I'll do't. 

CYNT. And I'll do't. 

MEL. This very next ensuing hour of eight o'clock is the last minute ofher reign, unless the devil assist her _in propria persona_. 

CYNT. Well, if the devil should assist her, and your plot miscarry--

MEL. Ay, what am I to trust to then?

CYNT. Why, if you give me very clear demonstration that it was thedevil, I'll allow for irresistible odds. But if I find it to be onlychance, or destiny, or unlucky stars, or anything but the very devil, I'minexorable: only still I'll keep my word, and live a maid for your sake. 

MEL. And you won't die one, for your own, so still there's hope. 

CYNT. Here's my mother-in-law, and your friend Careless; I would nothave 'em see us together yet. 

SCENE II. 

CARELESS _and_ LADY PLYANT. 

LADY PLYANT. I swear, Mr. Careless, you are very alluring, and say somany fine things, and nothing is so moving to me as a fine thing. Well, I must do you this justice, and declare in the face of the world, neveranybody gained so far upon me as yourself. With blushes I must own it, you have shaken, as I may say, the very foundation of my honour. Well, sure, if I escape your importunities, I shall value myself as long as Ilive, I swear. 

CARE. And despise me. [_Sighing_. ]

LADY PLYANT. The last of any man in the world, by my purity; now youmake me swear. O gratitude forbid, that I should ever be wanting in arespectful acknowledgment of an entire resignation of all my best wishesfor the person and parts of so accomplished a person, whose meritchallenges much more, I'm sure, than my illiterate praises candescription. 

CARE. [_In a whining tone_. ] Ah heavens, madam, you ruin me withkindness. Your charming tongue pursues the victory of your eyes, whileat your feet your poor adorer dies. 

LADY PLYANT. Ah! Very fine. 

CARE. [_Still whining_. ] Ah, why are you so fair, so bewitching fair? Olet me grow to the ground here, and feast upon that hand; O let me pressit to my heart, my trembling heart: the nimble movement shall instructyour pulse, and teach it to alarm desire. (Zoons, I'm almost at the endof my cant, if she does not yield quickly. ) [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. O that's so passionate and fine, I cannot hear. I am notsafe if I stay, and must leave you. 

CARE. And must you leave me! Rather let me languish out a wretchedlife, and breath my soul beneath your feet. (I must say the same thingover again, and can't help it. ) [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. I swear I'm ready to languish too! O my honour! Whitheris it going? I protest you have given me the palpitation of the heart. 

CARE. Can you be so cruel--

LADY PLYANT. O rise, I beseech you, say no more till you rise. Why didyou kneel so long? I swear I was so transported, I did not see it. Well, to show you how far you have gained upon me, I assure you, if Sir Paulshould die, of all mankind there's none I'd sooner make my second choice. 

CARE. O Heaven! I can't out-live this night without your favour; I feelmy spirits faint, a general dampness overspreads my face, a cold deadlydew already vents through all my pores, and will to-morrow wash me forever from your sight, and drown me in my tomb. 

LADY PLYANT. Oh, you have conquered, sweet, melting, moving sir, youhave conquered. What heart of marble can refrain to weep, and yield tosuch sad sayings! [_Cries_. ]

CARE. I thank Heaven, they are the saddest that I ever said. Oh! (Ishall never contain laughter. ) [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. Oh, I yield myself all up to your uncontrollable embraces. Say, thou dear dying man, when, where, and how. Ah, there's Sir Paul. 

CARE. 'Slife, yonder's Sir Paul, but if he were not come, I'm sotransported I cannot speak. This note will inform you. [_Gives her anote_. ]

SCENE III. 

LADY PLYANT, SIR PAUL, CYNTHIA. 

SIR PAUL. Thou art my tender lambkin, and shalt do what thou wilt. Butendeavour to forget this Mellefont. 

CYNT. I would obey you to my power, sir; but if I have not him, I havesworn never to marry. 

SIR PAUL. Never to marry! Heavens forbid! must I neither have sons norgrandsons? Must the family of the Plyants be utterly extinct for want ofissue male? O impiety! But did you swear, did that sweet creatureswear? ha! How durst you swear without my consent, ah? Gads-bud, who amI?

CYNT. Pray don't be angry, sir, when I swore I had your consent; andtherefore I swore. 

SIR PAUL. Why then the revoking my consent does annul, or make of noneeffect your oath; so you may unswear it again. The law will allow it. 

CYNT. Ay, but my conscience never will. 

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, no matter for that, conscience and law never gotogether; you must not expect that. 

LADY PLYANT. Ay, but, Sir Paul, I conceive if she has sworn, d'ye markme, if she has once sworn, it is most unchristian, inhuman, and obscenethat she should break it. I'll make up the match again, because Mr. Careless said it would oblige him. [_Aside_. ]

SIR PAUL. Does your ladyship conceive so? Why, I was of that opiniononce too. Nay, if your ladyship conceives so, I'm of that opinion again;but I can neither find my lord nor my lady to know what they intend. 

LADY PLYANT. I'm satisfied that my cousin Mellefont has been muchwronged. 

CYNT. [_Aside_. ] I'm amazed to find her of our side, for I'm sure sheloved him. 

LADY PLYANT. I know my Lady Touchwood has no kindness for him; andbesides I have been informed by Mr. Careless, that Mellefont had neveranything more than a profound respect. That he has owned himself to bemy admirer 'tis true, but he was never so presumptuous to entertain anydishonourable notions of things; so that if this be made plain, I don'tsee how my daughter can in conscience, or honour, or anything in theworld--

SIR PAUL. Indeed if this be made plain, as my lady, your mother, says, child--

LADY PLYANT. Plain! I was informed of it by Mr. Careless. And I assureyou, Mr. Careless is a person that has a most extraordinary respect andhonour for you, Sir Paul. 

CYNT. [_Aside_. ] And for your ladyship too, I believe, or else you hadnot changed sides so soon; now I begin to find it. 

SIR PAUL. I am much obliged to Mr. Careless really; he is a person thatI have a great value for, not only for that, but because he has a greatveneration for your ladyship. 

LADY PLYANT. O las, no indeed, Sir Paul, 'tis upon your account. 

SIR PAUL. No, I protest and vow, I have no title to his esteem, but inhaving the honour to appertain in some measure to your ladyship, that'sall. 

LADY PLYANT. O law now, I swear and declare it shan't be so; you're toomodest, Sir Paul. 

SIR PAUL. It becomes me, when there is any comparison made between--

LADY PLYANT. O fie, fie, Sir Paul, you'll put me out of countenance. Your very obedient and affectionate wife; that's all. And highlyhonoured in that title. 

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, I am transported! Give me leave to kiss yourladyship's hand. 

CYNT. That my poor father should be so very silly! [_Aside_. ]

LADY PLYANT. My lip indeed, Sir Paul, I swear you shall. [_He kissesher_, _and bows very low_. ]

SIR PAUL. I humbly thank your ladyship. I don't know whether I fly onground, or walk in air. Gads-bud, she was never thus before. Well, Imust own myself the most beholden to Mr. Careless. As sure as can be, this is all his doing, something that he has said; well, 'tis a rarething to have an ingenious friend. Well, your ladyship is of opinionthat the match may go forward. 

LADY PLYANT. By all means. Mr. Careless has satisfied me of the matter. 

SIR PAUL. Well, why then, lamb, you may keep your oath, but have a careabout making rash vows; come hither to me, and kiss papa. 

LADY PLYANT. I swear and declare, I am in such a twitter to read Mr. Careless his letter, that I can't forbear any longer. But though I mayread all letters first by prerogative, yet I'll be sure to be unsuspectedthis time, Sir Paul. 

SIR PAUL. Did your ladyship call?

LADY PLYANT. Nay, not to interrupt you, my dear. Only lend me yourletter, which you had from your steward to-day; I would look upon theaccount again, and may be increase your allowance. 

SIR PAUL. There it is, madam, do you want a pen and ink? [_Bows andgives the letter_. ]

LADY PLYANT. No, no, nothing else, I thank you, Sir Paul. So, now I canread my own letter under the cover of his. [_Aside_. ]

SIR PAUL. He? And wilt thou bring a grandson at nine months end--he? Abrave chopping boy. I'll settle a thousand pound a year upon the rogueas soon as ever he looks me in the face, I will, gads-bud. I'm overjoyedto think I have any of my family that will bring children into the world. For I would fain have some resemblance of myself in my posterity, he, Thy? Can't you contrive that affair, girl? Do, gads-bud, think on thyold father, heh? Make the young rogue as like as you can. 

CYNT. I'm glad to see you so merry, sir. 

SIR PAUL. Merry, gads-bud, I'm serious; I'll give thee five hundredpounds for every inch of him that resembles me; ah, this eye, this lefteye! A thousand pounds for this left eye. This has done execution inits time, girl; why, thou hast my leer, hussey, just thy father's leer. Let it be transmitted to the young rogue by the help of imagination; why, 'tis the mark of our family, Thy; our house is distinguished by alanguishing eye, as the house of Austria is by a thick lip. Ah! when Iwas of your age, hussey, I would have held fifty to one, I could havedrawn my own picture--gads-bud I could have done--not so much as you, neither; but--nay, don't blush. 

CYNT. I don't blush, sir, for I vow I don't understand. 

SIR PAUL. Pshaw, pshaw, you fib, you baggage, you do understand, and youshall understand; come, don't be so nice. Gads-bud, don't learn afteryour mother-in-law my lady here. Marry, heaven forbid that you shouldfollow her example; that would spoil all indeed. Bless us! if you shouldtake a vagary and make a rash resolution on your wedding night, to die amaid, as she did; all were ruined, all my hopes lost. My heart wouldbreak, and my estate would be left to the wide world, he? I hope you area better Christian than to think of living a nun, he? Answer me?

CYNT. I'm all obedience, sir, to your commands. 

LADY PLYANT. [_Having read the letter_. ] O dear Mr. Careless, I swearhe writes charmingly, and he looks charmingly, and he has charmed me, asmuch as I have charmed him; and so I'll tell him in the wardrobe when'tis dark. O criminy! I hope Sir Paul has not seen both letters. [_Putsthe wrong letter hastily up_, _and gives him her own_. ] Sir Paul, here'syour letter; to-morrow morning I'll settle accounts to your advantage. 

SCENE IV. 

[_To them_] BRISK. 

BRISK. Sir Paul, gads-bud, you're an uncivil person, let me tell you, and all that; and I did not think it had been in you. 

SIR PAUL. O law, what's the matter now? I hope you are not angry, Mr. Brisk. 

BRISK. Deuce take me, I believe you intend to marry your daughteryourself; you're always brooding over her like an old hen, as if she werenot well hatched, egad, he. 

SIR PAUL. Good strange! Mr. Brisk is such a merry facetious person, he, he, he. No, no, I have done with her, I have done with her now. 

BRISK. The fiddles have stayed this hour in the hall, and my Lord Frothwants a partner, we can never begin without her. 

SIR PAUL. Go, go child, go, get you gone and dance and be merry; I'llcome and look at you by and by. Where's my son Mellefont?

LADY PLYANT. I'll send him to them, I know where he is. 

BRISK. Sir Paul, will you send Careless into the hall if you meet him?

SIR PAUL. I will, I will, I'll go and look for him on purpose. 

SCENE V. 

BRISK _alone_. 

BRISK. So now they are all gone, and I have an opportunity to practice. Ah! My dear Lady Froth, she's a most engaging creature, if she were notso fond of that damned coxcombly lord of hers; and yet I am forced toallow him wit too, to keep in with him. No matter, she's a woman ofparts, and, egad, parts will carry her. She said she would follow meinto the gallery. Now to make my approaches. Hem, hem! Ah ma-[_bows_. ] dam! Pox on't, why should I disparage my parts by thinkingwhat to say? None but dull rogues think; witty men, like rich fellows, are always ready for all expenses; while your blockheads, like poor needyscoundrels, are forced to examine their stock, and forecast the chargesof the day. Here she comes, I'll seem not to see her, and try to win herwith a new airy invention of my own, hem!

SCENE VI. 

[_To him_] LADY FROTH. 

BRISK [_Sings_, _walking about_. ] 'I'm sick with love, ' ha, ha, ha, 'prithee, come cure me. I'm sick with, ' etc. O ye powers! O my LadyFroth, my Lady Froth, my Lady Froth! Heigho! Break heart; gods, I thankyou. [_Stands musing with his arms across_. ]

LADY FROTH. O heavens, Mr. Brisk! What's the matter?

BRISK. My Lady Froth! Your ladyship's most humble servant. The matter, madam? Nothing, madam, nothing at all, egad. I was fallen into the mostagreeable amusement in the whole province of contemplation: that'sall--(I'll seem to conceal my passion, and that will look like respect. )[_Aside_. ]

LADY FROTH. Bless me, why did you call out upon me so loud?

BRISK. O Lord, I, madam! I beseech your ladyship--when?

LADY FROTH. Just now as I came in, bless me, why, don't you know it?

BRISK. Not I, let me perish. But did I? Strange! I confess yourladyship was in my thoughts; and I was in a sort of dream that did in amanner represent a very pleasing object to my imagination, but--but did Iindeed?--To see how love and murder will out. But did I really name myLady Froth?

LADY FROTH. Three times aloud, as I love letters. But did you talk oflove? O Parnassus! Who would have thought Mr. Brisk could have been inlove, ha, ha, ha. O heavens, I thought you could have no mistress butthe Nine Muses. 

BRISK. No more I have, egad, for I adore 'em all in your ladyship. Letme perish, I don't know whether to be splenetic, or airy upon't; thedeuce take me if I can tell whether I am glad or sorry that your ladyshiphas made the discovery. 

LADY FROTH. O be merry by all means. Prince Volscius in love! Ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. O barbarous, to turn me into ridicule! Yet, ha, ha, ha. Thedeuce take me, I can't help laughing myself, ha, ha, ha; yet by heavens, I have a violent passion for your ladyship, seriously. 

LADY FROTH. Seriously? Ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. Seriously, ha, ha, ha. Gad I have, for all I laugh. 

LADY FROTH. Ha, ha, ha! What d'ye think I laugh at? Ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. Me, egad, ha, ha. 

LADY FROTH. No, the deuce take me if I don't laugh at myself; for hangme if I have not a violent passion for Mr. Brisk, ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. Seriously?

LADY FROTH. Seriously, ha, ha, ha. 

BRISK. That's well enough; let me perish, ha, ha, ha. O miraculous;what a happy discovery. Ah my dear charming Lady Froth!

LADY FROTH. Oh my adored Mr. Brisk! [_Embrace_. ]

SCENE VII. 

[_To them_] LORD FROTH. 

LORD FROTH. The company are all ready. How now?

BRISK. Zoons! madam, there's my lord. [_Softly to her_. ]

LADY FROTH. Take no notice, but observe me. Now, cast off, and meet meat the lower end of the room, and then join hands again; I could teach mylord this dance purely, but I vow, Mr. Brisk, I can't tell how to come sonear any other man. Oh here's my lord, now you shall see me do it withhim. [_They pretend to practise part of a country dance_. ]

LORD FROTH. Oh, I see there's no harm yet, but I don't like thisfamiliarity. [_Aside_. ]

LADY FROTH. Shall you and I do our close dance, to show Mr. Brisk?

LORD FROTH. No, my dear, do it with him. 

LADY FROTH. I'll do it with him, my lord, when you are out of the way. 

BRISK. That's good, egad, that's good. Deuce take me, I can hardly holdlaughing in his face. [_Aside_. ]

LORD FROTH. Any other time, my dear, or we'll dance it below. 

LADY FROTH. With all my heart. 

BRISK. Come, my lord, I'll wait on you. My charming witty angel! [_Toher_. ]

LADY FROTH. We shall have whispering time enough, you know, since we arepartners. 

SCENE VIII. 

LADY PLYANT _and_ CARELESS. 

LADY PLYANT. Oh, Mr. Careless, Mr. Careless, I'm ruined, I'm undone. 

CARE. What's the matter, madam?

LADY PLYANT. Oh, the unluckiest accident, I'm afraid I shan't live totell it you. 

CARE. Heaven forbid! What is it?

LADY PLYANT. I'm in such a fright; the strangest quandary and premunire!I'm all over in a universal agitation; I dare swear every circumstance ofme trembles. O your letter, your letter! By an unfortunate mistake Ihave given Sir Paul your letter instead of his own. 

CARE. That was unlucky. 

LADY PLYANT. Oh, yonder he comes reading of it; for heaven's sake stepin here and advise me quickly before he sees. 

SCENE IX. 

SIR PAUL _with the Letter_. 

SIR PAUL. O Providence, what a conspiracy have I discovered. But let mesee to make an end on't. [_Reads_. ] Hum--After supper in the wardrobeby the gallery. If Sir Paul should surprise us, I have a commission fromhim to treat with you about the very matter of fact. Matter of fact!Very pretty; it seems that I am conducting to my own cuckoldom. Why, this is the very traitorous position of taking up arms by my authority, against my person! Well, let me see. Till then I languish inexpectation of my adored charmer. --Dying Ned Careless. Gads-bud, wouldthat were matter of fact too. Die and be damned for a Judas Maccabeusand Iscariot both. O friendship! what art thou but a name? Henceforwardlet no man make a friend that would not be a cuckold: for whomsoever hereceives into his bosom will find the way to his bed, and there returnhis caresses with interest to his wife. Have I for this been pinioned, night after night for three years past? Have I been swathed in blanketstill I have been even deprived of motion? Have I approached the marriagebed with reverence as to a sacred shrine, and denied myself the enjoymentof lawful domestic pleasures to preserve its purity, and must I now findit polluted by foreign iniquity? O my Lady Plyant, you were chaste asice, but you are melted now, and false as water. But Providence has beenconstant to me in discovering this conspiracy; still, I am beholden toProvidence. If it were not for Providence, sure, poor Sir Paul, thyheart would break. 

SCENE X. 

[_To him_] LADY PLYANT. 

LADY PLYANT. So, sir, I see you have read the letter. Well, now, SirPaul, what do you think of your friend Careless? Has he beentreacherous, or did you give his insolence a licence to make trial ofyour wife's suspected virtue? D'ye see here? [_Snatches the letter asin anger_. ] Look, read it. Gads my life, if I thought it were so, Iwould this moment renounce all communication with you. Ungratefulmonster! He? is it so? Ay, I see it, a plot upon my honour; your guiltycheeks confess it. Oh, where shall wronged virtue fly for reparation?I'll be divorced this instant. 

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, what shall I say? This is the strangest surprise. Why, I don't know anything at all, nor I don't know whether there beanything at all in the world, or no. 

LADY PLYANT. I thought I should try you, false man. I, that neverdissembled in my life, yet to make trial of you, pretended to like thatmonster of iniquity, Careless, and found out that contrivance to let yousee this letter, which now I find was of your own inditing--I do, heathen, I do. See my face no more; I'll be divorced presently. 

SIR PAUL. O strange, what will become of me? I'm so amazed, and sooverjoyed, so afraid, and so sorry. But did you give me this letter onpurpose, he? Did you?

LADY PLYANT. Did I? Do you doubt me, Turk, Saracen? I have a cousinthat's a proctor in the Commons; I'll go to him instantly. 

SIR PAUL. Hold, stay, I beseech your ladyship. I'm so overjoyed, stay, I'll confess all. 

LADY PLYANT. What will you confess, Jew?

SIR PAUL. Why, now, as I hope to be saved, I had no hand in thisletter--nay, hear me, I beseech your ladyship. The devil take me now ifhe did not go beyond my commission. If I desired him to do any more thanspeak a good word only just for me; gads-bud, only for poor Sir Paul, I'man Anabaptist, or a Jew, or what you please to call me. 

LADY PLYANT. Why, is not here matter of fact?

SIR PAUL. Ay, but by your own virtue and continency that matter of factis all his own doing. I confess I had a great desire to have somehonours conferred upon me, which lie all in your ladyship's breast, andhe being a well-spoken man, I desired him to intercede for me. 

LADY PLYANT. Did you so? presumption! Oh, he comes, the Tarquin comes;I cannot bear his sight. 

SCENE XI. 

CARELESS, SIR PAUL. 

CARE. Sir Paul, I'm glad I've met with you, 'gad, I have said all Icould, but can't prevail. Then my friendship to you has carried me alittle farther in this matter. 

SIR PAUL. Indeed; well sir, I'll dissemble with him a little. [_Aside_. ]

CARE. Why, faith I have in my time known honest gentlemen abused by apretended coyness in their wives, and I had a mind to try my lady'svirtue. And when I could not prevail for you, gad, I pretended to be inlove myself; but all in vain, she would not hear a word upon thatsubject. Then I writ a letter to her; I don't know what effects thatwill have, but I'll be sure to tell you when I do, though by this light Ibelieve her virtue is impregnable. 

SIR PAUL. O Providence! Providence! What discoveries are here made?Why, this is better and more miraculous than the rest. 

CARE. What do you mean?

SIR PAUL. I can't tell you, I'm so overjoyed; come along with me to mylady, I can't contain myself; come, my dear friend. 

CARE. So, so, so, this difficulty's over. [_Aside_. ]

SCENE XII. 

MELLEFONT, MASKWELL, _from different doors_. 

MEL. Maskwell! I have been looking for you--'tis within a quarter ofeight. 

MASK. My lady is just gone into my lord's closet, you had best stealinto her chamber before she comes, and lie concealed there, otherwise shemay lock the door when we are together, and you not easily get in tosurprise us. 

MEL. He? You say true. 

MASK. You had best make haste, for after she has made some apology tothe company for her own and my lord's absence all this while, she'llretire to her chamber instantly. 

MEL. I go this moment. Now, fortune, I defy thee. 

SCENE XIII. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

MASK. I confess you may be allowed to be secure in your own opinion; theappearance is very fair, but I have an after-game to play that shall turnthe tables, and here comes the man that I must manage. 

SCENE XIV. 

[_To him_] LORD TOUCHWOOD. 

LORD TOUCH. Maskwell, you are the man I wished to meet. 

MASK. I am happy to be in the way of your lordship's commands. 

LORD TOUCH. I have always found you prudent and careful in anything thathas concerned me or my family. 

MASK. I were a villain else. I am bound by duty and gratitude, and myown inclination, to be ever your lordship's servant. 

LORD TOUCH. Enough. You are my friend; I know it. Yet there has been athing in your knowledge, which has concerned me nearly, that you haveconcealed from me. 

MASK. My lord!

LORD TOUCH. Nay, I excuse your friendship to my unnatural nephew thusfar. But I know you have been privy to his impious designs upon my wife. This evening she has told me all. Her good nature concealed it as longas was possible; but he perseveres so in villainy, that she has told meeven you were weary of dissuading him, though you have once actuallyhindered him from forcing her. 

MASK. I am sorry, my lord, I can't make you an answer; this is anoccasion in which I would not willing be silent. 

LORD TOUCH. I know you would excuse him--and I know as well that youcan't. 

MASK. Indeed I was in hopes it had been a youthful heat that might havesoon boiled over; but--

LORD TOUCH. Say on. 

MASK. I have nothing more to say, my lord; but to express my concern;for I think his frenzy increases daily. 

LORD TOUCH. How! Give me but proof of it, ocular proof, that I mayjustify my dealing with him to the world, and share my fortunes. 

MASK. O my lord! consider; that is hard. Besides, time may work uponhim. Then, for me to do it! I have professed an everlasting friendshipto him. 

LORD TOUCH. He is your friend; and what am I?

MASK. I am answered. 

LORD TOUCH. Fear not his displeasure; I will put you out of his, andfortune's power, and for that thou art scrupulously honest, I will securethy fidelity to him, and give my honour never to own any discovery thatyou shall make me. Can you give me a demonstrative proof? Speak. 

MASK. I wish I could not. To be plain, my lord, I intended this eveningto have tried all arguments to dissuade him from a design which Isuspect; and if I had not succeeded, to have informed your lordship ofwhat I knew. 

LORD TOUCH. I thank you. What is the villain's purpose?

MASK. He has owned nothing to me of late, and what I mean now, is only abare suspicion of my own. If your lordship will meet me a quarter of anhour hence there, in that lobby by my lady's bed-chamber, I shall be ableto tell you more. 

LORD TOUCH. I will. 

MASK. My duty to your lordship makes me do a severe piece of justice. 

LORD TOUCH. I will be secret, and reward your honesty beyond your hopes. 

SCENE XV. 

_Scene opening_, _shows Lady Touchwood's chamber_. 

MELLEFONT _solus_. 

MEL. Pray heaven my aunt keep touch with her assignation. O that herlord were but sweating behind this hanging, with the expectation of whatI shall see. Hist, she comes. Little does she think what a mine is justready to spring under her feet. But to my post. [_Goes behind thehangings_. ]

SCENE XVI. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD. 

LADY TOUCH. 'Tis eight o'clock; methinks I should have found him here. Who does not prevent the hour of love, outstays the time; for to be dullypunctual is too slow. I was accusing you of neglect. 

SCENE XVII. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD, MASKWELL, MELLEFONT _absconding_. 

MASK. I confess you do reproach me when I see you here before me; but'tis fit I should be still behindhand, still to be more and more indebtedto your goodness. 

LADY TOUCH. You can excuse a fault too well, not to have been to blame. A ready answer shows you were prepared. 

MASK. Guilt is ever at a loss, and confusion waits upon it; wheninnocence and bold truth are always ready for expression. 

LADY TOUCH. Not in love: words are the weak support of coldindifference; love has no language to be heard. 

MASK. Excess of joy has made me stupid! Thus may my lips be everclosed. [_Kisses her_. ] And thus--O who would not lose his speech, uponcondition to have joys above it?

LADY TOUCH. Hold, let me lock the door first. [_Goes to the door_. ]

MASK. [_Aside_. ] That I believed; 'twas well I left the private passageopen. 

LADY TOUCH. So, that's safe. 

MASK. And so may all your pleasures be, and secret as this kiss--

MEL. And may all treachery be thus discovered. [_Leaps out_. ]

LADY TOUCH. Ah! [_Shrieks_. ]

MEL. Villain! [_Offers to draw_. ]

MASK. Nay, then, there's but one way. [_Runs out_. ]

SCENE XVIII. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD, MELLEFONT. 

MEL. Say you so, were you provided for an escape? Hold, madam, you haveno more holes to your burrow; I'll stand between you and this sally-port. 

LADY TOUCH. Thunder strike thee dead for this deceit, immediatelightning blast thee, me, and the whole world! Oh! I could rack myself, play the vulture to my own heart, and gnaw it piecemeal, for not bodingto me this misfortune. 

MEL. Be patient. 

LADY TOUCH. Be damned. 

MEL. Consider, I have you on the hook; you will but flounder yourself a-weary, and be nevertheless my prisoner. 

LADY TOUCH. I'll hold my breath and die, but I'll be free. 

MEL. O madam, have a care of dying unprepared, I doubt you have someunrepented sins that may hang heavy, and retard your flight. 

LADY TOUCH. O! what shall I do? say? Whither shall I turn? Has hell noremedy?

MEL. None; hell has served you even as heaven has done, left you toyourself. --You're in a kind of Erasmus paradise, yet if you please youmay make it a purgatory; and with a little penance and my absolution allthis may turn to good account. 

LADY TOUCH. [_Aside_. ] Hold in my passion, and fall, fall a little, thou swelling heart; let me have some intermission of this rage, and oneminute's coolness to dissemble. [_She weeps_. ]

MEL. You have been to blame. I like those tears, and hope they are ofthe purest kind, --penitential tears. 

LADY TOUCH. O the scene was shifted quick before me, --I had not time tothink. I was surprised to see a monster in the glass, and now I find'tis myself; can you have mercy to forgive the faults I have imagined, but never put in practice?--O consider, consider how fatal you have beento me, you have already killed the quiet of this life. The love of youwas the first wandering fire that e'er misled my steps, and while I hadonly that in view, I was betrayed into unthought of ways of ruin. 

MEL. May I believe this true?

LADY TOUCH. O be not cruelly incredulous. --How can you doubt thesestreaming eyes? Keep the severest eye o'er all my future conduct, and ifI once relapse, let me not hope forgiveness; 'twill ever be in your powerto ruin me. My lord shall sign to your desires; I will myself createyour happiness, and Cynthia shall be this night your bride. Do butconceal my failings, and forgive. 

MEL. Upon such terms I will be ever yours in every honest way. 

SCENE XIX. 

MASKWELL _softly introduces_ LORD TOUCHWOOD, _and retires_. 

MASK. I have kept my word, he's here, but I must not be seen. 

SCENE XX. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD, LORD TOUCHWOOD, MELLEFONT. 

LORD TOUCH. Hell and amazement, she's in tears. 

LADY TOUCH. [_Kneeling_. ] Eternal blessings thank you. --Ha! my lordlistening! O fortune has o'erpaid me all, all! all's my own! [_Aside_. ]

MEL. Nay, I beseech you rise. 

LADY TOUCH. [_Aloud_. ] Never, never! I'll grow to the ground, beburied quick beneath it, e'er I'll be consenting to so damned a sin asincest! unnatural incest!

MEL. Ha!

LADY TOUCH. O cruel man, will you not let me go? I'll forgive allthat's past. O heaven, you will not ravish me?

MEL. Damnation!

LORD TOUCH. Monster, dog! your life shall answer this! [_Draws and runsat_ MELLEFONT, _is held by_ LADY TOUCHWOOD. ]

LADY TOUCH. O heavens, my lord! Hold, hold, for heaven's sake. 

MEL. Confusion, my uncle! O the damned sorceress. 

LADY TOUCH. Moderate your rage, good my lord! He's mad, alas, he's mad. Indeed he is, my lord, and knows not what he does. See how wild helooks. 

MEL. By heaven, 'twere senseless not to be mad, and see such witchcraft. 

LADY TOUCH. My lord, you hear him, he talks idly. 

LORD TOUCH. Hence from my sight, thou living infamy to my name; whennext I see that face, I'll write villain in't with my sword's point. 

MEL. Now, by my soul, I will not go till I have made known my wrongs. Nay, till I have made known yours, which, if possible, aregreater, --though she has all the host of hell her servants. 

LADY TOUCH. Alas, he raves! Talks very poetry! For heaven's sake away, my lord, he'll either tempt you to extravagance, or commit some himself. 

MEL. Death and furies, will you not hear me?--Why by heaven she laughs, grins, points to your back; she forks out cuckoldom with her fingers, andyou're running horn-mad after your fortune. [_As she is going she turnsback and smiles at him_. ]

LORD TOUCH. I fear he's mad indeed. --Let's send Maskwell to him. 

MEL. Send him to her. 

LADY TOUCH. Come, come, good my lord, my heart aches so, I shall faintif I stay. 

SCENE XXI. 

MELLEFONT _alone_. 

MEL. Oh, I could curse my stars, fate, and chance; all causes andaccidents of fortune in this life! But to what purpose? Yet, 'sdeath, for a man to have the fruit of all his industry grow full and ripe, readyto drop into his mouth, and just when he holds out his hand to gather it, to have a sudden whirlwind come, tear up tree and all, and bear away thevery root and foundation of his hopes:--what temper can contain? Theytalk of sending Maskwell to me; I never had more need of him. But whatcan he do? Imagination cannot form a fairer and more plausible designthan this of his which has miscarried. O my precious aunt, I shall neverthrive without I deal with the devil, or another woman. 

Women, like flames, have a destroying power, Ne'er to be quenched, till they themselves devour. 

ACT V. 

SCENE I. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD _and_ MASKWELL. 

LADY TOUCH. Was't not lucky?

MASK. Lucky! Fortune is your own, and 'tis her interest so to be. Byheaven I believe you can control her power, and she fears it: thoughchance brought my lord, 'twas your own art that turned it to advantage. 

LADY TOUCH. 'Tis true it might have been my ruin. But yonder's my lord. I believe he's coming to find you: I'll not be seen. 

SCENE II. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

MASK. So; I durst not own my introducing my lord, though it succeededwell for her, for she would have suspected a design which I should havebeen puzzled to excuse. My lord is thoughtful. I'll be so too; yet heshall know my thoughts: or think he does. 

SCENE III. 

[_To him_] LORD TOUCHWOOD. 

MASK. What have I done?

LORD TOUCH. Talking to himself!

MASK. 'Twas honest--and shall I be rewarded for it? No, 'twas honest, therefore I shan't. Nay, rather therefore I ought not; for it rewardsitself. 

LORD TOUCH. Unequalled virtue! [_Aside_. ]

MASK. But should it be known, then I have lost a friend! He was an illman, and I have gained; for half myself I lent him, and that I haverecalled: so I have served myself, and what is yet better, I have serveda worthy lord to whom I owe myself. 

LORD TOUCH. Excellent man! [_Aside_. ]

MASK. Yet I am wretched. Oh, there is a secret burns within thisbreast, which, should it once blaze forth, would ruin all, consume myhonest character, and brand me with the name of villain. 

LORD TOUCH. Ha!

MASK. Why do I love! Yet heaven and my waking conscience are mywitnesses, I never gave one working thought a vent, which might discoverthat I loved, nor ever must. No, let it prey upon my heart; for I wouldrather die, than seem once, barely seem, dishonest. Oh, should it oncebe known I love fair Cynthia, all this that I have done would look likerival's malice, false friendship to my lord, and base self-interest. Letme perish first, and from this hour avoid all sight and speech, and, if Ican, all thought of that pernicious beauty. Ha! But what is mydistraction doing? I am wildly talking to myself, and some ill chancemight have directed malicious ears this way. [_Seems to start_, _seeingmy lord_. ]

LORD TOUCH. Start not; let guilty and dishonest souls start at therevelation of their thoughts, but be thou fixed, as is thy virtue. 

MASK. I am confounded, and beg your Lordship's pardon for those freediscourses which I have had with myself. 

LORD TOUCH. Come, I beg your pardon that I overheard you, and yet itshall not need. Honest Maskwell! Thy and my good genius led me hither. Mine, in that I have discovered so much manly virtue; thine, in that thoushalt have due reward of all thy worth. Give me thy hand. My nephew isthe alone remaining branch of all our ancient family: him I thus blowaway, and constitute thee in his room to be my heir--

MASK. Now heaven forbid--

LORD TOUCH. No more--I have resolved. The writings are ready drawn, andwanted nothing but to be signed, and have his name inserted. Yours willfill the blank as well. I will have no reply. Let me command this time;for 'tis the last in which I will assume authority. Hereafter, you shallrule where I have power. 

MASK. I humbly would petition--

LORD TOUCH. Is't for yourself? [MASKWELL _pauses_. ] I'll hear ofnought for anybody else. 

MASK. Then witness heaven for me, this wealth and honour was not of myseeking, nor would I build my fortune on another's ruin. I had but onedesire--

LORD TOUCH. Thou shalt enjoy it. If all I'm worth in wealth or interestcan purchase Cynthia, she is thine. I'm sure Sir Paul's consent willfollow fortune. I'll quickly show him which way that is going. 

MASK. You oppress me with bounty. My gratitude is weak, and shrinksbeneath the weight, and cannot rise to thank you. What, enjoy my love!Forgive the transports of a blessing so unexpected, so unhoped for, sounthought of!

LORD TOUCH. I will confirm it, and rejoice with thee. 

SCENE IV. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

MASK. This is prosperous indeed. Why let him find me out a villain, settled in possession of a fair estate, and full fruition of my love, I'll bear the railings of a losing gamester. But should he find me outbefore! 'Tis dangerous to delay. Let me think. Should my lord proceedto treat openly of my marriage with Cynthia, all must be discovered, andMellefont can be no longer blinded. It must not be; nay, should my ladyknow it--ay, then were fine work indeed! Her fury would spare nothing, though she involved herself in ruin. No, it must be by stratagem. Imust deceive Mellefont once more, and get my lord to consent to myprivate management. He comes opportunely. Now will I, in my old way, discover the whole and real truth of the matter to him, that he may notsuspect one word on't. 

 No mask like open truth to cover lies, As to go naked is the best disguise. 

SCENE V. 

[_To him_] MELLEFONT. 

MEL. O Maskwell, what hopes? I am confounded in a maze of thoughts, each leading into one another, and all ending in perplexity. My unclewill not see nor hear me. 

MASK. No matter, sir, don't trouble your head: all's in my power. 

MEL. How? For heaven's sake?

MASK. Little do you think that your aunt has kept her word. How thedevil she wrought my lord into this dotage, I know not; but he's gone toSir Paul about my marriage with Cynthia, and has appointed me his heir. 

MEL. The devil he has! What's to be done?

MASK. I have it, it must be by stratagem; for it's in vain to makeapplication to him. I think I have that in my head that cannot fail. Where's Cynthia?

MEL. In the garden. 

MASK. Let us go and consult her: my life for yours, I cheat my lord. 

SCENE VI. 

LORD TOUCHWOOD, LADY TOUCHWOOD. 

LADY TOUCH. Maskwell your heir, and marry Cynthia!

LORD TOUCH. I cannot do too much for so much merit. 

LADY TOUCH. But this is a thing of too great moment to be so suddenlyresolved. Why Cynthia? Why must he be married? Is there not rewardenough in raising his low fortune, but he must mix his blood with mine, and wed my niece? How know you that my brother will consent, or she?Nay, he himself perhaps may have affections otherwhere. 

LORD TOUCH. No, I am convinced he loves her. 

LADY TOUCH. Maskwell love Cynthia? Impossible!

LORD TOUCH. I tell you he confessed it to me. 

LADY TOUCH. Confusion! How's this? [_Aside_. ]

LORD TOUCH. His humility long stifled his passion. And his love ofMellefont would have made him still conceal it. But by encouragement, Iwrung the secret from him, and know he's no way to be rewarded but inher. I'll defer my farther proceedings in it till you have consideredit; but remember how we are both indebted to him. 

SCENE VII. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD _alone_. 

LADY TOUCH. Both indebted to him! Yes, we are both indebted to him, ifyou knew all. Villain! Oh, I am wild with this surprise of treachery:it is impossible, it cannot be. He love Cynthia! What, have I been bawdto his designs, his property only, a baiting place? Now I see what madehim false to Mellefont. Shame and distraction! I cannot bear it, oh!what woman can bear to be a property? To be kindled to a flame, only tolight him to another's arms; oh! that I were fire indeed that I mightburn the vile traitor. What shall I do? How shall I think? I cannotthink. All my designs are lost, my love unsated, my revenge unfinished, and fresh cause of fury from unthought of plagues. 

SCENE VIII. 

[_To her_] SIR PAUL. 

SIR PAUL. Madam, sister, my lady sister, did you see my lady my wife?

LADY TOUCH. Oh! Torture!

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, I can't find her high nor low; where can she be, think you?

LADY TOUCH. Where she's serving you, as all your sex ought to be served, making you a beast. Don't you know you're a fool, brother?

SIR PAUL. A fool; he, he, he, you're merry. No, no, not I, I know nosuch matter. 

LADY TOUCH. Why, then, you don't know half your happiness. 

SIR PAUL. That's a jest with all my heart, faith and troth. But harkee, my lord told me something of a revolution of things; I don't know what tomake on't. Gads-bud, I must consult my wife:--he talks of disinheritinghis nephew, and I don't know what. Look you, sister, I must know what mygirl has to trust to, or not a syllable of a wedding, gads-bud!--to showyou that I am not a fool. 

LADY TOUCH. Hear me: consent to the breaking off this marriage, and thepromoting any other without consulting me, and I'll renounce all blood, all relation and concern with you for ever; nay, I'll be your enemy, andpursue you to destruction: I'll tear your eyes out, and tread you undermy feet. 

SIR PAUL. Why, what's the matter now? Good Lord, what's all this for?Pooh, here's a joke indeed. Why, where's my wife?

LADY TOUCH. With Careless, in the close arbour; he may want you by thistime, as much as you want her. 

SIR PAUL. Oh, if she be with Mr. Careless, 'tis well enough. 

LADY TOUCH. Fool, sot, insensible ox! But remember what I said to you, or you had better eat your own horns, by this light you had. 

SIR PAUL. You're a passionate woman, gads-bud! But to say truth all ourfamily are choleric; I am the only peaceable person amongst 'em. 

SCENE IX. 

MELLEFONT, MASKWELL, _and_ CYNTHIA. 

MEL. I know no other way but this he has proposed: if you have loveenough to run the venture. 

CYNT. I don't know whether I have love enough, but I find I haveobstinacy enough to pursue whatever I have once resolved; and a truefemale courage to oppose anything that resists my will, though 'twerereason itself. 

MASK. That's right. Well, I'll secure the writings and run the hazardalong with you. 

CYNT. But how can the coach and six horses be got ready withoutsuspicion?

MASK. Leave it to my care; that shall be so far from being suspected, that it shall be got ready by my lord's own order. 

MEL. How?

MASK. Why, I intend to tell my lord the whole matter of our contrivance;that's my way. 

MEL. I don't understand you. 

MASK. Why, I'll tell my lord I laid this plot with you on purpose tobetray you; and that which put me upon it, was the finding it impossibleto gain the lady any other way, but in the hopes of her marrying you. 

MEL. So. 

MASK. So, why so, while you're busied in making yourself ready, I'llwheedle her into the coach; and instead of you, borrow my lord'schaplain, and so run away with her myself. 

MEL. Oh, I conceive you; you'll tell him so. 

MASK. Tell him so! ay; why, you don't think I mean to do so?

MEL. No, no; ha, ha, I dare swear thou wilt not. 

MASK. Therefore, for our farther security, I would have you disguisedlike a parson, that if my lord should have curiosity to peep, he may notdiscover you in the coach, but think the cheat is carried on as he wouldhave it. 

MEL. Excellent Maskwell! Thou wert certainly meant for a statesman or aJesuit; but thou art too honest for one, and too pious for the other. 

MASK. Well, get yourself ready, and meet me in half-an-hour, yonder inmy lady's dressing-room; go by the back stairs, and so we may slip downwithout being observed. I'll send the chaplain to you with his robes: Ihave made him my own, and ordered him to meet us to-morrow morning at St. Albans; there we will sum up this account, to all our satisfactions. 

MEL. Should I begin to thank or praise thee, I should waste the littletime we have. 

SCENE X. 

CYNTHIA, MASKWELL. 

MASK. Madam, you will be ready?

CYNT. I will be punctual to the minute. [_Going_. ]

MASK. Stay, I have a doubt. Upon second thoughts, we had better meet inthe chaplain's chamber here, the corner chamber at this end of thegallery, there is a back way into it, so that you need not come throughthis door, and a pair of private stairs leading down to the stables. Itwill be more convenient. 

CYNT. I am guided by you; but Mellefont will mistake. 

MASK. No, no, I'll after him immediately, and tell him. 

CYNT. I will not fail. 

SCENE XI. 

MASKWELL _alone_. 

MASK. Why, _qui vult decipi decipiatur_. --'Tis no fault of mine: I havetold 'em in plain terms how easy 'tis for me to cheat 'em, and if theywill not hear the serpent's hiss, they must be stung into experience andfuture caution. Now to prepare my lord to consent to this. But first Imust instruct my little Levite; there is no plot, public or private, thatcan expect to prosper without one of them has a finger in't: he promisedme to be within at this hour, --Mr. Saygrace, Mr. Saygrace! [_Goes to thechamber door and knocks_. ]

SCENE XII. 

MASKWELL, SAYGRACE. 

SAYGRACE [_looking out_. ] Sweet sir, I will but pen the last line of anacrostic, and be with you in the twinkling of an ejaculation, in thepronouncing of an Amen, or before you can--

MASK. Nay, good Mr. Saygrace, do not prolong the time by describing tome the shortness of your stay; rather if you please, defer the finishingof your wit, and let us talk about our business; it shall be tithes inyour way. 

SAYGRACE. [_Enters_. ] You shall prevail: I would break off in themiddle of a sermon to do you a pleasure. 

MASK. You could not do me a greater, --except the business in hand. Haveyou provided a habit for Mellefont?

SAYGRACE. I have; they are ready in my chamber, together with a cleanstarched band and cuffs. 

MASK. Good, let them be carried to him; have you stitched the gownsleeve, that he may be puzzled, and waste time in putting it on?

SAYGRACE. I have: the gown will not be indued without perplexity. 

MASK. Meet me in half-an-hour, here in your own chamber. When Cynthiacomes, let there be no light, and do not speak, that she may notdistinguish you from Mellefont. I'll urge haste to excuse your silence. 

SAYGRACE. You have no more commands?

MASK. None: your text is short. 

SAYGRACE. But pithy: and I will handle it with discretion. 

MASK. It will be the first you have so served. 

SCENE XIII. 

LORD TOUCHWOOD, MASKWELL. 

LORD TOUCH. Sure I was born to be controlled by those I should command. My very slaves will shortly give me rules how I shall govern them. 

MASK. I am concerned to see your lordship discomposed. 

LORD TOUCH. Have you seen my wife lately, or disobliged her?

MASK. No, my lord. What can this mean? [_Aside_. ]

LORD TOUCH. Then Mellefont has urged somebody to incense her. Somethingshe has heard of you which carries her beyond the bounds of patience. 

MASK. This I feared. [_Aside_. ] Did not your lordship tell her of thehonours you designed me?

LORD TOUCH. Yes. 

MASK. 'Tis that; you know my lady has a high spirit; she thinks I amunworthy. 

LORD TOUCH. Unworthy! 'Tis an ignorant pride in her to think so. Honesty to me is true nobility. However, 'tis my will it shall be so, and that should be convincing to her as much as reason. By Heaven, I'llnot be wife-ridden; were it possible, it should be done this night. 

MASK. By Heaven, he meets my wishes! [_Aside_. ] Few things areimpossible to willing minds. 

LORD TOUCH. Instruct me how this may be done, you shall see I want noinclination. 

MASK. I had laid a small design for to-morrow (as love will beinventing) which I thought to communicate to your lordship. But it maybe as well done to-night. 

LORD TOUCH. Here's company. Come this way and tell me. 

SCENE XIV. 

CARELESS _and_ CYNTHIA. 

CARE. Is not that he now gone out with my lord?

CYNT. Yes. 

CARE. By heaven, there's treachery. The confusion that I saw yourfather in, my Lady Touchwood's passion, with what imperfectly I overheardbetween my lord and her, confirm me in my fears. Where's Mellefont?

CYNT. Here he comes. 

SCENE XV. 

[_To them_] MELLEFONT. 

CYNT. Did Maskwell tell you anything of the chaplain's chamber?

MEL. No. My dear, will you get ready? The things are all in mychamber; I want nothing but the habit. 

CARE. You are betrayed, and Maskwell is the villain I always thoughthim. 

CYNT. When you were gone, he said his mind was changed, and bid me meethim in the chaplain's room, pretending immediately to follow you and giveyou notice. 

MEL. How?

CARE. There's Saygrace tripping by with a bundle under his arm. Hecannot be ignorant that Maskwell means to use his chamber; let's followand examine him. 

MEL. 'Tis loss of time; I cannot think him false. 

SCENE XVI. 

CYNTHIA, LORD TOUCHWOOD. 

CYNT. My lord musing!

LORD TOUCH. He has a quick invention, if this were suddenly designed. Yet he says he had prepared my chaplain already. 

CYNT. How's this? Now I fear indeed. 

LORD TOUCH. Cynthia here! Alone, fair cousin, and melancholy?

CYNT. Your lordship was thoughtful. 

LORD TOUCH. My thoughts were on serious business not worth your hearing. 

CYNT. Mine were on treachery concerning you, and may be worth yourhearing. 

LORD TOUCH. Treachery concerning me? Pray be plain. Hark! What noise?

MASK. (within) Will you not hear me?

LADY TOUCH. (within) No, monster! traitor! No. 

CYNT. My lady and Maskwell! This may be lucky. My lord, let me entreatyou to stand behind this screen and listen: perhaps this chance may giveyou proof of what you ne'er could have believed from my suspicions. 

SCENE XVII. 

LADY TOUCHWOOD _with a dagger_; MASKWELL; CYNTHIA _and_ LORD TOUCHWOOD_abscond_, _listening_. 

LADY TOUCH. You want but leisure to invent fresh falsehood, and sootheme to a fond belief of all your fictions: but I will stab the lie that'sforming in your heart, and save a sin, in pity to your soul. 

MASK. Strike then, since you will have it so. 

LADY TOUCH. Ha! A steady villain to the last. 

MASK. Come, why do you dally with me thus?

LADY TOUCH. Thy stubborn temper shocks me, and you knew it would; thisis cunning all, and not courage. No; I know thee well, but thou shaltmiss thy aim. 

MASK. Ha, ha, ha!

LADY TOUCH. Ha! Do you mock my rage? Then this shall punish your fond, rash contempt. Again smile! [_Goes to strike_. ] And such a smile asspeaks in ambiguity! Ten thousand meanings lurk in each corner of thatvarious face. 

Oh! that they were written in thy heart, That I, with this, might lay thee open to my sight!

But then 'twill be too late to know--

Thou hast, thou hast found the only way to turn my rage. Too well thouknowest my jealous soul could never bear uncertainty. Speak, then, andtell me. Yet are you silent. Oh, I am wildered in all passions. Butthus my anger melts. [_Weeps_. ] Here, take this poniard, for my veryspirits faint, and I want strength to hold it; thou hast disarmed mysoul. [_Gives the dagger_. ]

LORD TOUCH. Amazement shakes me. Where will this end?

MASK. So, 'tis well--let your wild fury have a vent; and when you havetemper, tell me. 

LADY TOUCH. Now, now, now I am calm and can hear you. 

MASK. [_Aside_. ] Thanks, my invention; and now I have it for you. First, tell me what urged you to this violence: for your passion broke insuch imperfect terms, that yet I am to learn the cause. 

LADY TOUCH. My lord himself surprised me with the news you were to marryCynthia, that you had owned our love to him, and his indulgence wouldassist you to attain your ends. 

CYNT. How, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. Pray forbear all resentments for a while, and let us hearthe rest. 

MASK. I grant you in appearance all is true; I seemed consenting to mylord--nay, transported with the blessing. But could you think that I, who had been happy in your loved embraces, could e'er be fond of aninferior slavery?

LORD TOUCH. Ha! Oh, poison to my ears! What do I hear?

CYNT. Nay, good my lord, forbear resentment; let us hear it out. 

LORD TOUCH. Yes, I will contain, though I could burst. 

MASK. I, that had wantoned in the rich circle of your world of love, could be confined within the puny province of a girl? No. Yet though Idote on each last favour more than all the rest, though I would give alimb for every look you cheaply throw away on any other object of yourlove: yet so far I prize your pleasures o'er my own, that all thisseeming plot that I have laid has been to gratify your taste and cheatthe world, to prove a faithful rogue to you. 

LADY TOUCH. If this were true. But how can it be?

MASK. I have so contrived that Mellefont will presently, in thechaplain's habit, wait for Cynthia in your dressing-room; but I have putthe change upon her, that she may be other where employed. Do youprocure her night-gown, and with your hoods tied over your face, meet himin her stead. You may go privately by the back stairs, and, unperceived, there you may propose to reinstate him in his uncle's favour, if he'llcomply with your desires--his case is desperate, and I believe he'llyield to any conditions. If not here, take this; you may employ itbetter than in the heart of one who is nothing when not yours. [_Givesthe dagger_. ]

LADY TOUCH. Thou can'st deceive everybody. Nay, thou hast deceived me;but 'tis as I would wish. Trusty villain! I could worship thee. 

MASK. No more; it wants but a few minutes of the time; and Mellefont'slove will carry him there before his hour. 

LADY TOUCH. I go, I fly, incomparable Maskwell!

SCENE XVIII. 

MASKWELL, CYNTHIA, LORD TOUCHWOOD. 

MASK. So, this was a pinch indeed, my invention was upon the rack, andmade discovery of her last plot. I hope Cynthia and my chaplain will beready; I'll prepare for the expedition. 

SCENE XIX. 

CYNTHIA _and_ LORD TOUCHWOOD. 

CYNT. Now, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. Astonishment binds up my rage! Villainy upon villainy!Heavens, what a long track of dark deceit has this discovered! I amconfounded when I look back, and want a clue to guide me through thevarious mazes of unheard-of treachery. My wife! Damnation! My hell!

CYNT. My lord, have patience, and be sensible how great our happinessis, that this discovery was not made too late. 

LORD TOUCH. I thank you, yet it may be still too late, if we don'tpresently prevent the execution of their plots;--ha, I'll do't. Where'sMellefont, my poor injured nephew? How shall I make him amplesatisfaction?

CYNT. I dare answer for him. 

LORD TOUCH. I do him fresh wrong to question his forgiveness; for I knowhim to be all goodness. Yet my wife! Damn her:--she'll think to meethim in that dressing-room. Was't not so? And Maskwell will expect youin the chaplain's chamber. For once, I'll add my plot too:--let us hasteto find out, and inform my nephew; and do you, quickly as you can, bringall the company into this gallery. I'll expose the strumpet, and thevillain. 

SCENE XX. 

LORD FROTH _and_ SIR PAUL. 

LORD FROTH. By heavens, I have slept an age. Sir Paul, what o'clockis't? Past eight, on my conscience; my lady's is the most invitingcouch, and a slumber there is the prettiest amusement! But where's allthe company?

SIR PAUL. The company, gads-bud, I don't know, my lord, but here's thestrangest revolution, all turned topsy turvy; as I hope for providence. 

LORD FROTH. O heavens, what's the matter? Where's my wife?

SIR PAUL. All turned topsy turvy as sure as a gun. 

LORD FROTH. How do you mean? My wife?

SIR PAUL. The strangest posture of affairs!

LORD FROTH. What, my wife?

SIR PAUL. No, no, I mean the family. Your lady's affairs may be in avery good posture; I saw her go into the garden with Mr. Brisk. 

LORD FROTH. How? Where, when, what to do?

SIR PAUL. I suppose they have been laying their heads together. 

LORD FROTH. How?

SIR PAUL. Nay, only about poetry, I suppose, my lord; making couplets. 

LORD FROTH. Couplets. 

SIR PAUL. Oh, here they come. 

SCENE XXI. 

[_To them_] LADY FROTH, BRISK. 

BRISK. My lord, your humble servant; Sir Paul, yours, --the finest night!

LADY FROTH. My dear, Mr. Brisk and I have been star-gazing, I don't knowhow long. 

SIR PAUL. Does it not tire your ladyship? Are not you weary withlooking up?

LADY FROTH. Oh, no, I love it violently. My dear, you're melancholy. 

LORD FROTH. No, my dear; I'm but just awake. 

LADY FROTH. Snuff some of my spirit of hartshorn. 

LORD FROTH. I've some of my own, thank you, dear. 

LADY FROTH. Well, I swear, Mr. Brisk, you understood astronomy like anold Egyptian. 

BRISK. Not comparably to your ladyship; you are the very Cynthia of theskies, and queen of stars. 

LADY FROTH. That's because I have no light but what's by reflection fromyou, who are the sun. 

BRISK. Madam, you have eclipsed me quite, let me perish. I can't answerthat. 

LADY FROTH. No matter. Hark 'ee, shall you and I make an almanactogether?

BRISK. With all my soul. Your ladyship has made me the man in'talready, I'm so full of the wounds which you have given. 

LADY FROTH. O finely taken! I swear now you are even with me. OParnassus, you have an infinite deal of wit. 

SIR PAUL. So he has, gads-bud, and so has your ladyship. 

SCENE XXII. 

[_To them_] LADY PLYANT, CARELESS, CYNTHIA. 

LADY PLYANT. You tell me most surprising things; bless me, who wouldever trust a man? Oh my heart aches for fear they should be alldeceitful alike. 

CARE. You need not fear, madam, you have charms to fix inconstancyitself. 

LADY PLYANT. O dear, you make me blush. 

LORD FROTH. Come, my dear, shall we take leave of my lord and lady?

CYNT. They'll wait upon your lordship presently. 

LADY FROTH. Mr. Brisk, my coach shall set you down. 

ALL. What's the matter? [_A great shriek from the corner of thestage_. ]

SCENE XXIII. 

[_To them_] LADY TOUCHWOOD _runs out affrighted_, _my lord after her_, _like a parson_. 

LADY TOUCH. Oh, I'm betrayed. Save me, help me!

LORD TOUCH. Now what evasion, strumpet?

LADY TOUCH. Stand off, let me go. 

LORD TOUCH. Go, and thy own infamy pursue thee. You stare as you wereall amazed, --I don't wonder at it, --but too soon you'll know mine, andthat woman's shame. 

SCENE the last. 

LORD TOUCHWOOD, LORD FROTH, LADY FROTH, LADY PLYANT, SIR PAUL, CYNTHIA, MELLEFONT, MASKWELL, MELLEFONT _disguised in a parson's habit and pullingin_ MASKWELL. 

MEL. Nay, by heaven you shall be seen. Careless, your hand. Do youhold down your head? Yes, I am your chaplain, look in the face of yourinjured friend; thou wonder of all falsehood. 

LORD TOUCH. Are you silent, monster?

MEL. Good heavens! How I believed and loved this man! Take him hence, for he's a disease to my sight. 

LORD TOUCH. Secure that manifold villain. [_Servants seize him_. ]

CARE. Miracle of ingratitude!

BRISK. This is all very surprising, let me perish. 

LADY FROTH. You know I told you Saturn looked a little more angry thanusual. 

LORD TOUCH. We'll think of punishment at leisure, but let me hasten todo justice in rewarding virtue and wronged innocence. Nephew, I hope Ihave your pardon, and Cynthia's. 

MEL. We are your lordship's creatures. 

LORD TOUCH. And be each other's comfort. Let me join your hands. Unwearied nights, and wishing days attend you both; mutual love, lastinghealth, and circling joys, tread round each happy year of your longlives. 

 Let secret villany from hence be warned; Howe'er in private mischiefs are conceived, Torture and shame attend their open birth; Like vipers in the womb, base treachery lies, Still gnawing that, whence first it did arise; No sooner born, but the vile parent dies. 

[_Exeunt Omnes_. ]

EPILOGUESpoken by MRS. MOUNTFORD. 

Could poets but foresee how plays would take, Then they could tell what epilogues to make;Whether to thank or blame their audience most. But that late knowledge does much hazard cost:Till dice are thrown, there's nothing won, nor lost. So, till the thief has stolen, he cannot knowWhether he shall escape the law, or no. But poets run much greater hazards farThan they who stand their trials at the bar. The law provides a curb for it's own fury, And suffers judges to direct the jury:But in this court, what difference does appear!For every one's both judge and jury here;Nay, and what's worse, an executioner. All have a right and title to some part, Each choosing that in which he has most art. The dreadful men of learning all confound, Unless the fable's good, and moral sound. The vizor-masks, that are in pit and gallery, Approve, or damn, the repartee and raillery. The lady critics, who are better read, Inquire if characters are nicely bred;If the soft things are penned and spoke with grace;They judge of action too, and time, and place;In which we do not doubt but they're discerning, For that's a kind of assignation learning. Beaus judge of dress; the witlings judge of songs;The cuckoldom, of ancient right, to cits belongs. Thus poor poets the favour are deniedEven to make exceptions, when they're tried. 'Tis hard that they must every one admit:Methinks I see some faces in the pitWhich must of consequence be foes to wit. You who can judge, to sentence may proceed;But though he cannot write, let him be freedAt least from their contempt who cannot read.