The Cheerful Smugglers

 By

 Ellis Parker Butler

 Author of "Confessions of a Daddy, " "Pigs is Pigs, " etc. 

 With illustrations by May Wilson Preston

 New York The Century Co. 1908

 Copyright, 1908, by THE CENTURY CO. 

 Copyright, 1907, by The Phelps Publishing Co. 

 _Published, May, 1908_

 THE DE VINNE PRESS

[Illustration: "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"]

Contents

 CHAPTER PAGE

 I THE FENELBY TARIFF 3

 II THE BOX OF BON-BONS 34

 III KITTY'S TRUNKS 57

 IV BILLY 91

 V THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST 110

 VI BRIDGET 139

 VII THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE 158

 VIII THE FIELD OF DISHONOR 189

 IX BOBBERTS INTERVENES 206

 X TARIFF REFORM 229

 XI THE COUP D'ÉTAT 251

List of Illustrations

 "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'" _Frontispiece_

 PAGE

 "She was busy with Bobberts" 27

 Bobberts 39

 "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom" 55

 "Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly" 81

 "With all the grace of a Sandow" 87

 "'I declare one collar'" 103

 "When the 6:02 pulled in" 193

The Cheerful Smugglers

I

THE FENELBY TARIFF

Bobberts was the baby, and ever since Bobberts was born--and thatwas nine months next Wednesday, and just look what a big, fat boy heis now!--his parents had been putting all their pennies into alittle pottery pig, so that when Bobberts reached the proper age hecould go to college. The money in the little pig bank wasofficially known as "Bobberts' Education Fund, " and next to Bobbertshimself was the thing in the house most talked about. It was "Tom, dear, have you put your pennies in the bank this evening?" or "Isay, Laura, how about Bobberts' pennies to-day. Are you holding outon him?" And then, when they came to count the contents of the bank, there were only twenty-three dollars and thirty-eight cents in itafter nine months of faithful penny contributions. 

That was how Fenelby, who had a great mind for such things, came tothink of the Fenelby tariff. It was evident that the penny systemcould not be counted on to pile up a sum large enough to seeBobberts through Yale and leave a margin big enough for him to liveon while he was getting firmly established in his profession, whatever that profession might be. What was needed in the Fenelbyfamily was a system that would save money for Bobberts gently andeasily, and that would not be easy to forget nor be too palpable astrain on the Fenelby income. Something that would make them save inspite of themselves; not a direct tax, but what you might call anindirect tax--and right there was where and how the idea came toFenelby. 

"That's the idea!" he said to Mrs. Fenelby. "That is the verything we want! An indirect tax, just as this nation pays its taxes, and the tariff is the very thing! It's as simple as A B C. Thenation charges a duty on everything that comes into the country;_we_ will charge a duty on everything that comes into the house, and the money goes into Bobberts' education fund. We won't miss themoney that way. That's the beauty of an indirect tax: you don't knowyou are paying it. The government collects a little on one thingthat is imported, and a little on another, and no one cares, because the amount is so small on each thing, and yet look at thetotal--hundreds of millions of dollars!"

"Goodness!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "Can we save that much forBobberts? Of course, not hundreds of millions; but if we could saveeven one hundred thousand dollars--"

"Laura, " said Mr. Fenelby, "I don't believe you understand what Imean. If you would pay a little closer attention when I amexplaining things you would understand better. A tariff doesn't makemoney out of nothing. How could we save a hundred thousand dollarsout of my salary, when the whole salary is only twenty-five hundreddollars a year, and we spend every cent of it?"

"But, Tom dear, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "how can I help spending it? Youknow I am just as economical as I can be. You said yourself that wecouldn't live on a cent less than we are spending. You know I wouldbe only _too_ glad to save, if I could, and I didn't get that newdress until you just begged and begged me to get it, and--"

"I know, " said Mr. Fenelby, kindly. "I think you do wonders withthat twenty-five hundred. I don't see how you do it; I couldn't. And that is just why I say we ought to have a domestic tariff. Idon't see how we can ever save enough to send Bobberts to collegeunless we have some system. We spend every cent of my twenty-fivehundred dollars every year, and we could never in the world take twohundred and fifty dollars out of it at one time and put it in thebank for Bobberts, could we? We never have two hundred and fiftydollars at one time. And yet two hundred and fifty dollars is onlyten per cent. Of my yearly salary. But if I buy a cigar for tencents it would be no hardship for me to put a cent in the bank forBobberts, would it? Not a bit! And if you buy an ice cream soda; itwould not cramp our finances to put a cent in the bank for eachsoda, would it? And yet a cent is ten per cent. Of a dime. "

"That is very simple and very easy, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "and I thinkit would be a very good plan. I think we ought to begin at once. "

"So do I, " said Mr. Fenelby. "But we don't want to begin a thinglike this and then let it slip from our minds after a day or two. Ifthe government did that the nation's revenue would all fade away. Weought to go at it in a business-like way, just as the United Stateswould do it. We ought to write it down, and then live up to it. Now, I'll write it down. "

Mr. Fenelby went to his desk and took a seat before it. He openedthe desk and pulled from beneath the pile of loose papers and tissuepatterns with which it was littered the large blankbook in whichMrs. Fenelby, in one of her spurts of economical system, had oncebegun a record of household expenditures--a bothersome business thatlasted until she had to foot up the first week's figures, and thenstopped. There were plenty of blank leaves in the book. Mr. Fenelbydipped his pen in the ink. Mrs. Fenelby took up her sewing, andbegan to stitch a seam. Bobberts lay asleep on the lounge at theother side of the room. 

Mr. Fenelby was not over thirty. His chubby, smiling face radiatedenthusiasm, and if he was not very tall he had a noble forehead thatrounded up to meet the baldness that began so far back that his hatshowed a little half-moon of baldness at the back. He lookedcheerfully at the world through rather strong spectacles, andeveryone said how much he looked like Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby wasyounger, but she took a much more matter-of-fact view of life andthings, and Mr. Fenelby never ceased congratulating himself onhaving married her. "My wife Laura, " he would say to his friends, "has great executive ability. She is a wonder. I let her attend tothe little details. " The truth was that she managed him, and managedthe house, and managed all their affairs. She took to the managementnaturally and Mr. Fenelby did not know that he was being managed. They were very happy. 

Mr. Fenelby turned toward his wife suddenly, still holding his penin his hand. He had not written a word, but his face glowed. 

"I tell you, Laura!" he exclaimed. "This is the best idea we havehad since we were married! It is a big idea! What we ought todo--what we _will_ do--is to have a family congress and adopt thistariff in the right way, and write it down. That is what we willdo--and then, any time we want to change the tariff we will have asession of the family congress, and vote on it. "

"That will be nice, Tom, " said Mrs. Fenelby, biting off her thread, but not looking up. Mr. Fenelby turned back to his blankbook. Hedipped his pen in the ink again, and hesitated. 

"How would it do, " he asked, turning to Laura again, "to call itthe 'United States of Fenelby?' Or the 'Commonwealth of Fenelby?'No!" he exclaimed, "I'll tell you what we will call it--we will callit the 'Commonwealth of Bobberts, ' for that is what it is. 'TheDomestic Tariff of the Commonwealth of Bobberts!'"

"Yes, " said Mrs. Fenelby, holding up her sewing and looking at itwith her head tilted to one side, "that will be nice. "

Mr. Fenelby wrote it in his blankbook, at the top of the first blankpage. 

"Fine!" said Mr. Fenelby, growing more enthusiastic as the ideaexpanded in his mind. "And the congress will be composed ofeveryone in the family. No taxation without representation, youknow--that is the American way of doing things. Everything thatcomes into the house has to pay a duty, so everyone in the familyhas a vote, and every so often the congress will meet in the parlorhere--"

"Does Bobberts have a vote?" asked Mrs. Fenelby. 

"Ah--well, Bobberts is hardly old enough, you know, " said Mr. Fenelby hesitatingly. "We will--No, " he said with suddeninspiration, "Bobberts will not have a vote. Bobberts will be aTerritory! That is it. Grown-ups will be States and infants will beTerritories. Bobberts can't vote, but he can attend the meetings ofcongress and he can have a voice in the debates. He can oppose anymeasure with his voice--"

"I should think he could!" said Mrs. Fenelby. 

Mr. Fenelby turned to his desk and wrote in the book a brief outlineof the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelbycreased a tuck into the little dress she was making. She did it bypinning one end of the sheer linen to her knee and then running herthumb up and down the folded tuck. Suddenly the door opened andBridget entered with aggressive quietness. She was a plain facedIrishwoman, and the way she wore her hair, straight back from herbrow, had in itself an air of constant readiness to do battle forher rights. When she was noisy her noise was a challenge, and whenshe was quiet her quietness was full of mute assertiveness. It wasas if, when she wished to enter a room quietly, she was not contentto enter it quietly and be satisfied with that, but first preparedfor it by draping herself in strings of cow-bells and sleigh-bells, and then entered on tip-toe with painful care. 

"Missus Fenelby, ma'am, " said Bridget, in a loud whisper, "would yebe havin' th' milkman lave wan or two quarts ov milk in th'mornin'?"

"Why, Bridget, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "haven't I told you we _always_want two quarts?"

"Yis, ma'am, " said Bridget. "An' ye can't say that ye haven't gotthim iv'ry mornin', either. If ye can, an' wish t' say it, ma'am, yemay as well say it now as another toime. I may have me faults, ma'am--"

"You have always attended to the milkman just as I wished, " saidMrs. Fenelby, cheerfully. "Exactly as I wanted you to, " she added, for Bridget still waited. "And we will continue to get two quarts aday. "

"Very well, ma'am, " whispered Bridget. "I was just thinkin' mebby yehad changed yer moind about how much t' git. It is all th' same t'me, Missus Fenelby, ma'am, how much ye git. I am not wan of thimthat don't allow th' lady ov th' house t' change her moind if shewants to. I take no offince if she changes her moind. I am used t'sich goin's on, ma'am, an' I know my place an' don't wish t'dictate. Wan quart or two quarts or three quarts is all th' same t'me. "

"Bridget, " said Mrs. Fenelby, laying down her sewing, "do we needthree quarts of milk?"

"No, ma'am, " said Bridget. 

"Well, " asked Mrs. Fenelby, "are two quarts too much?"

"No, ma'am, " said Bridget. "But if ye wanted t' change yer moind--"

"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby, kindly but firmly. "Good-night, Bridget. "

Bridget backed out of the door, and Mr. Fenelby, who had kept hishead close to his book, turned to his wife with a frown on his brow. 

"What is it, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, after a fleeting glance athis face. 

"Laura, " he said, "what shall we do with Bridget?"

Mrs. Fenelby looked up quickly. She quite forgot her sewing. 

"Do with Bridget?" she asked. "What _do_ you mean, Tom? Has Bridgetsaid anything about leaving? And I was only this afternooncongratulating myself on how good she was! I declare I don't knowwhat this world is going to do for servants--we pay Bridget morethan anyone in this town, I know we do, and treat her like oneof the family, almost, and now she is going to leave! It'sdiscouraging! When did she tell you she was going to leave?"

"Leave?" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "I never thought of such a thing. Iwas only wondering what to do with her in--in the Commonwealth ofBobberts. "

"Oh!" cried Mrs. Fenelby, with a sigh of profound relief. She tookup her sewing again, and bent her head over it. "Is that all! Ofcourse Bridget expects to be treated like one of the family. I toldher when she came that I always treated my maids as part of thefamily. "

"But we can't have Bridget come in and sit with us whenever we havea session of congress, " said Mr. Fenelby. 

"Certainly not!" said Mrs. Fenelby, very decidedly. "I wouldn'tthink of such a thing!"

"So she can't be a State, " said Mr. Fenelby, "and if we made her aTerritory it would be as bad. She could come in and talk. She wouldinsist on talking. "

"And if we did not let her, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "she would leave, and I know we could never get another girl as good as Bridget. "

"Now you get some idea of the hard work our forefathers had whenthey made the United States, " said Mr. Fenelby, rising and walkingup and down the room. "But of course they had no case like Bridget. Bridget is more like a--more like the Philippines. Well!" heexclaimed, "it is a wonder I didn't think of that in the firstplace!"

"What, dear?" asked his wife. 

"That Bridget is a colony, " said Mr. Fenelby. "That is just what sheis! She is a foreign possession, controlled by the nation, buthaving no voice in its affairs. She can pay taxes, but she can'tvote. "

He hurriedly wrote the final words of the Constitution of theCommonwealth of Bobberts in his book and drew a line underneath it, for Bobberts was showing signs of awakening. Under the line Mr. Fenelby wrote "First Session of Congress. "

Bobberts awoke in a good humor, ready for his evening meal, and Mrs. Fenelby put aside her sewing and took him. 

"I am glad Bobberts is awake, " said Mr. Fenelby, "because now we cango ahead and vote on the tariff. I wouldn't like to do it if he wasnot present, because he has a right to take part in the debate, andit would not be fair to hold the first session without a fullrepresentation. Now, suppose we make the duty on all goods andthings brought into the house an even ten per cent. ?"

[Illustration: "She was busy with Bobberts"]

"That would be nice, " said Mrs. Fenelby, absently, for she was busywith Bobberts. "How much is ten per cent. Of twenty-five hundreddollars, Tom?"

"Two hundred and fifty, " said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what weought to save for Bobberts every year. Ten per cent. Will just doit. "

He had his pen ready to write it in the book, when a new difficultycame to mind. 

"Laura!" he exclaimed. "Ten per cent. Will not do it! What about therent? We spend fifty dollars a month for rent, and that is nothingwe bring into the house. And theater tickets, when you go to townand buy them there and use them before you come home. And mylunches. And my club dues. And your pew rent. And ice cream sodas. And all that sort of thing. We couldn't collect a cent of duty onany of those things, because we don't bring them into the house. Tenper cent. Is not enough. We ought to make it at least--"

He figured roughly on a sheet of paper, while the other State andthe Territory attended strictly to their occupation of feeding theTerritory. 

"I should say, roughly speaking, " said Mr. Fenelby, "that to raisetwo hundred and fifty dollars a year we ought to make the dutysixteen and three-quarters per cent. , but I don't think that isadvisable. It would be too hard to figure. I might be able to do it, Laura, but if you bought a waist for one dollar and ninety-eightcents, and had to figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. On it, I don't believe you could do it. "

"The idea!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "I would never think of buying awaist for one dollar and ninety-eight cents. I try to be economical, Tom, but you know you always like me to look well, and those cheapwaists do not look well, and they are really dearer in the long run, because they get out of shape in a few days, and never wear well, anyway. The very cheapest waist I have bought for years was that oneI got for three dollars and forty-seven cents, and I could have donemuch better if I had bought the goods and made it up myself. "

"Ah--yes, " said Mr. Fenelby, hesitatingly. "I am afraid you did notjust catch my meaning, Laura. It does not make any differencewhether the waist costs one dollar and ninety-eight cents or twelvedollars and sixty-three cents. I mean that it would be a hard job tofigure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. Of it. Suppose we leavethe duty at ten per cent. On necessities, and make it thirty percent. On luxuries? That ought to make it come out about two hundredand fifty dollars a year, and if it does not we can have a meetingof congress any time and raise the duty. "

"That would be very nice, " said Mrs. Fenelby. 

So it was decided that the tariff duty on necessities was to be tenper cent. , and that on luxuries it should be thirty per cent. , andMr. Fenelby wrote down in the book these facts, and the FenelbyTariff was in effect. 

II

THE BOX OF BON-BONS

The financial arrangements of the Fenelbys were extremely simple. Every week Mr. Fenelby received his salary and brought every cent ofit home to Laura. Out of this she handed him back a sum that wasunvaryingly the same, and with this Mr. Fenelby paid his car-fares, bought his evening papers, his cigars, and such other little thingsas a man finds necessary. It was a very small sum, and Mr. Fenelbycould not have afforded the pleasures of a club, nor many otherthings he did afford, had he not been able to add to his purse bywriting occasional bits of fiction and jokes for the lightermagazines. Some months this additional money amounted to quite asum, and when it more than paid his expenses, he would make Laura alittle present, but it was understood that this money was his, andthat it was something quite outside the regular income of thefamily, and not to be counted on for household expenses. The resultwas that sometimes Mr. Fenelby had quite a sum in his pockets, andsometimes he had hard work to make his car-fare money last throughthe week. 

But one thing he never neglected was to bring home to his wife a boxof bon-bons every Saturday evening, and one of the things that Mrs. Fenelby flaunted before her female friends was the fact thatalthough she had been married for five years Tom never missed thebox of candy. This was the visible sign that his love had notdeclined, and that he still had a lover's thoughtfulness. 

On the Friday after the Fenelby Tariff had been adopted, Mr. Fenelbycame home with a box of cigars under his arm. It was his usual boxof twenty-five, and the usual brand, for which he paid ten centseach, and after he had kissed Laura he gaily deposited twenty-fivecents in Bobberts' bank. This was the first money he had put in thebank under the new tariff laws, and he took an especial pleasure indepositing it. Mrs. Fenelby had put many pennies and nickels in thebank during the week, because she had had to buy a number of thingsfrom the vegetable man, and others. 

"How much did you put in, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, as she heardthe coin rattle down among its fellows. 

"A quarter, " said Mr. Fenelby, gaily. "I tell you, Laura, that boywill soon have a lot of money if it keeps coming in at that rate. Aquarter here, and a quarter there! It is amazing how it mounts up. "

"Yes, " she answered. "But shouldn't you put in seventy-five cents, Tom? Cigars are a luxury, aren't they? And you know you saidluxuries were thirty per cent. "

Mr. Fenelby turned quickly. 

"Nonsense!" he said. "Any man will tell you that cigars are anabsolute necessity. Just as much so as food or drink or clothing. Every one knows that, Laura. "

[Illustration: Bobberts]

"Why, Tom, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "you told me, only last night, when Imerely hinted that you were smoking too much, that you could quitany minute you chose, and that it had no hold on you whatever. Yousaid you only smoked a little for the pleasure it gave you, and thatthere was no danger at all of its ever becoming a necessity to you. Of course, I don't care, for myself, what you put in the bank, but Ishould not think you would want to rob poor little Bobberts of whathe really should have, just because you can twist out of it byclaiming--"

There were signs of tears, and Mr. Fenelby cheerfully stepped upand dropped fifty cents more into the bank. It was one of hisperiods of plenty, and he would have been willing to put dollarsinto the bank, instead of quarters, rather than have Laura think hewas trying to defraud Bobberts. He explained to Laura that all hewanted to know was what he really ought to pay, and then he wouldpay it cheerfully. Probably all men are like that. They only want tohave their taxes assessed fairly, and they will pay them joyfully. One of the prettiest sights imaginable is to see the tax-payersgleefully crowding to pay their taxes. I say imaginable, because itis one of the sights that has to be imagined. 

The next evening was warm, and Bobberts was sleeping nicely, so Mrs. Fenelby walked part of the way to the station to meet Tom when hecame home, and her eyes brightened when she saw the square parcelthat she knew to be the box of candy, in his hand. He kissed her, right there on the street, as suburban husbands are not ashamed todo, and put the box of candy in her hand. 

"And what do you think my news is?" he asked, after he had askedabout Bobberts. "Brother Bill is coming to make us that visit thathe has been promising for ever so long--"

"Tom!" cried Laura. "And what do you think my news is? Kitty iscoming to spend two weeks with us! Isn't that the jolliest thing youever heard of? Both coming at the same time! I wonder if they--"

"Well, " said Tom, who generally had a pretty clear idea of whatLaura meant to say next, "if they did fall in love with each other, it would not be such a bad match. Your cousin Kitty is as nice asany girl I know, and I rather think Billy isn't such a bad sort. Anyway, they will make it pleasant for each other. "

"It will brighten us up all around to have them here, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "I wonder whether we ought to make them pay tariff onthings. That was the first thing I thought of, when I read thatKitty meant to visit us. It does seem a little like inhospitality, to make them pay tariff. "

"Not a bit!" said Tom. "They will like it. It will be a lot of funfor them, and you know it will, Laura. Would we like to be left outof anything of that kind if we were visiting any one? Of course not. I don't know Kitty as well as you do, but speaking for Billy I cansay that he would be mighty hurt if we did not treat him just as wetreat the rest of the family. He will think it is a jolly game. "

"I am not afraid of how Kitty will take it, when I tell her it isall for the benefit of Bobberts. She will be wild about the tariff. The only thing I am afraid of is that she will go and buy things shedoesn't need or want, just in order that she can put money inBobberts' bank, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "I told Bridget about the tariffto-day, and she was so interested! Every one I tell about it thinksit is a splendid idea, and wonders how you could think of it. "

"I do think of some things that other people do not think of, " saidMr. Fenelby, rather proudly; "but that is because I accustom myselfto use my brains. "

"But it is surprising how a little thing like this tariff countsup!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "My bills this week were fourteen dollars, and I had to put a dollar and forty cents into Bobberts' bank, andthen I had to pay Bridget's month's wages to-day, but I didn't haveto pay any tariff on that, and I had to pay the gas bill, too; but Ididn't have to pay any tariff on that, thank goodness--"

"Of course you have to pay tariff on the gas bill!" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "The gas came into the house, didn't it?"

"But you said I didn't have to pay tariff on the rent bill, " arguedLaura; "and the rent bill is just as much a bill as the gas bill is. You know very well, Tom, that we always figure on those three thingsas if they were just alike--the rent, and the gas, and Bridget, --andI don't see why, if there is a tariff on gas why there should not beone on rent. "

"Rent isn't a thing that comes into the house, " explained Mr. Fenelby. "You can't _see_ rent. "

"You can't see gas, " said Mrs. Fenelby. 

"You can see it if it is lighted, " said Mr. Fenelby, "and you cansmell it any time you want to. Gas is a real object, or thing, andwe buy it, and it pays a duty. "

"Very well, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "Then I ought to pay duty onBridget, too. She is a real thing, and we pay money for her, just asmuch as we do for gas, and she is a thing that comes into the house. If I don't pay on Bridget, I don't see why I should pay on the gas. The next thing you will be saying that Bridget is a luxury, and thatI ought to pay thirty per cent. On her! Probably I ought to pay aduty on Bobberts! I don't think it is fair that I should pay oneverything. I will not pay ten per cent. On the gas bill. Everything seems to come the same day. "

"Laura!" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby, with sudden joy, "you don't have topay on the gas bill this month! I wonder I hadn't thought of it. That gas bill is for gas used before the tariff was adopted! And nowthat you know about it, you will expect to pay next month. "

"I shall warn Bridget again about using so much in the range, " saidLaura. "We shall have to economize very carefully, Tom. I can seethat. The tariff is going to make our living very expensive. "

They had reached the house, and had lingered a minute on the porch, and now they went inside, for they heard the dinner-bell tinkle. 

"You had better drop eight cents in the bank before you forget it, "said Mrs. Fenelby. 

"Eight cents?" inquired Tom, quite at a loss to remember what he wasto pay eight cents for. 

"Eight cents, " repeated his wife. "For the candy. It is eighty centsa pound, isn't it? But it is a luxury, isn't it? That would betwenty-four cents!"

"Yes, twenty-four cents, " said Tom, smiling. "Twenty-four cents; butI don't pay it. You pay it. "

"_I_ pay it!" cried Mrs. Fenelby. "The idea! I didn't buy the candy. I didn't even ask you to buy it, Tom, although I am very glad tohave it, and you are a dear to bring it to me. But you are the oneto pay for it. You bought it. "

"My dear, " said Mr. Fenelby, "whoever brings a thing into the housepays the duty on it. I gave you the box of candy when we were a fullblock from the house, and you accepted it, and it was your propertyafter that, and you brought it into the house, and you must pay theduty on it. "

For a moment Mrs. Fenelby was inclined to be hurt, and then shelaughed. 

"What is it?" her husband asked, as he seated himself at his end ofthe table, and unfolded his napkin. 

"I'll pay the twenty-four cents; but please don't bring me any morecandy, " she said. "I can't afford presents. But that wasn't what Iwas laughing about. I just happened to think of Will and Kitty. Willthey have to pay duty on their trunks and all the things they havein them? Kitty has the most _luxurious_ dresses, and luxuries paythirty per cent. If she will have to pay on them perhaps I hadbetter telegraph her to come with only a dress suit-case. "

They did not telegraph Kitty. About a week later Kitty arrived, andthe next day Billy came, and to each the Fenelbys explained theFenelby Tariff, on the way up from the station. Both thought it wasa splendid idea, and agreed to uphold the tariff law and abide by itand be governed by it, and when Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty'sbaggage-checks to Tom and asked him to see that the three trunkswere sent over from the city and delivered at the house, Mr. Fenelbyhad no idea what was in store for him. 

[Illustration: "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"]

III

KITTY'S TRUNKS

When Mr. Fenelby went to the city in the morning he gave Kitty'strunk checks to the expressman. When he returned to his home in theevening he found Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby on the porch, and Mrs. Fenelby was explaining to her visitor, for about the tenth time, theworkings of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. She had explained to Kittyhow the tariff had come to be adopted, how it was to supply aneducation fund for Bobberts--who was at that moment asleep in hiscrib, upstairs--and how every necessity brought into the house hadto pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent. , and every luxury thirtyper cent. Kitty was a dear, as was Mrs. Fenelby, but they were asdifferent as cousins could well be, for while Mrs. Fenelby was theman's ideal of a gentle domestic person, Kitty was the man's idealof a forceful, jolly girl, and as full of liveliness as a wellbehaved young lady could be. She was properly interested in Bobbertsand admired him loudly, but in her heart she was not sorry that Mr. Fenelby's brother Will was to be a visitor at the house during herstay. 

She did not show any unmaidenly curiosity in regard to Brother Will, but between doses of Bobberts and Tariff she managed to learn aboutall Mrs. Fenelby knew regarding Brother Will's past, present andfuture, including a pretty minute description of his appearance, habits and beliefs. 

Brother Will had arrived that very day, and on the way up from thestation the Fenelbys had explained to him all about the DomesticTariff, and also that until a bed could be sent out from the city hewould have to find a bed wherever he could, and so it happened thathe went right back to the city with Mr. Fenelby, and had not metKitty, as he preferred to sleep in the city, rather than in thehammock on the porch. 

There is an admirable natural honesty in women that prevents themfrom claiming that their husbands are perfection. In some this is soabnormally developed that, to be on the safe side, I suppose, theywill not allow that their husbands have any virtues whatever; inothers the trace of this type of honesty is so slight that they willclaim to every one, except their dearest friends, that theirhusbands are the best in the world. The normal wife first announcesthat her husband is as near perfect as any man can be, and thenproceeds to enumerate all his imperfections, bad humors, andannoying habits, under the impression, perhaps, that she is praisinghim. Mrs. Fenelby had been proceeding in somewhat this way in herconversation with Kitty, under the impression that she was showingKitty how lovely and domestically perfect was her life, but Kittygained from it only the impression that Mrs. Fenelby had become theslave of Mr. Fenelby and Bobberts. 

The more Mrs. Fenelby explained the workings of the Domestic Tariffthe more positive of this did Kitty become. It was Laura who paidall the household bills, and so Laura had to pay the tariff duty onwhatever came into the house; it was Laura who had to give up herweekly box of candy because if she received it she had to paytwenty-four cents duty. To Kitty the Fenelby Domestic Tariff seemedto be a scheme concocted by Mr. Fenelby to make Laura provide aneducation fund for Bobberts. Poor Laura was evidently being misusedand did not know it. Poor Laura must be rescued, and given thatwomanly freedom that women are supposed to long for, even when theydon't want it. Poor meek Laura needed some one to put a foot down, and Kitty felt that she had an admirable foot for that or any otherpurpose. She proposed to put it down. 

When Mr. Fenelby entered his yard on his return from the city hestopped short, and then looked up to where the two young women weresitting on the porch. 

"Hello!" he said, "What is the matter with these trunks? Wouldn'tthat expressman carry them upstairs? I declare, those fellows aregetting too independent for comfort. Unless you hold a dollar tipout before them they won't so much as turn around. Now, I distinctlytold this fellow to carry these three trunks upstairs, and I said Iwould make it all right with him, and here he leaves them on thelawn. I hope, dear, you were at home when he came. "

"Yes, dear, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "I was, and you should not blame thepoor man. I am sure he tried hard enough to carry them up. Heactually insisted on carrying them up whether we wanted them up ornot. He was quite rude about it. He said you had told him to carrythem up and that he meant to do it whether we let him or not, and--and at last I had to give him a dollar to leave them downhere. "

"You--you gave him a dollar _not_ to carry these trunks upstairs!"exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "Did you say you _paid_ the man a dollar_not_ to carry them upstairs?"

"I had to, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "It was the only way I could preventhim from doing it. He said you told him to carry them up, and thatup they must go, if he had to break down the front door to do it. Ithink he must have been drinking, Tom, he used such awful language, and at last he got quite maudlin about it and sat down on one of thetrunks and cried, actually cried! He said that for years and yearshe had refused to carry trunks upstairs, and that now, just when hehad joined the Salvation Army, and was trying to lead a better life, and be kind and helpful and earn an extra dollar for his family bycarrying trunks upstairs when gentlemen asked him to, I had to stepin and refuse to let him carry trunks upstairs, and that this wasthe sort of thing that discouraged a poor man who was trying to makeup for his past errors. So I gave him a dollar to leave them downhere. "

Mr. Fenelby looked at the three big trunks ruefully, and shook hishead at them. 

"Well, " he said, "I suppose it is all right, Laura, but I can't seewhy you wouldn't let him take them up. You know I don't enjoy thatkind of work, and that I don't think it is good for me. "

"Kitty didn't want them taken up, " said Mrs. Fenelby, gently. "She--she wanted them left down here. "

"Down here?" asked Mr. Fenelby, as if dazed. "Down here on thegrass?"

"Yes, " said Kitty, lightly. "It was my idea. Laura had nothing to dowith it at all. I thought it would be nice to have the trunks downhere on the lawn. Everywhere I visit they always take my trunks upto my room, and it gets so tiresome always having the same thinghappen, so I thought that this time I would have a variety and leavemy trunks on the lawn. I never in my life left my trunks on a frontlawn, and I wanted to see how it would be. You don't think they willhurt the grass do you, Mr. Fenelby?"

Kitty asked this with such an air of sincerity that Mr. Fenelbyseated himself on one of the trunks and looked up at her anxiously. He could not recall that he had ever heard of any weakness of mindin Kitty or in her family, but he could not doubt his ears. 

"But--but--" he said, "but you don't mean to leave them here, doyou?"

Kitty smiled down at him reassuringly. 

"Of course, if it is going to harm the grass at all, Mr. Fenelby, Isha'n't think of it, " she said. "I know that sometimes when a boardor anything lies on the grass a long time the grass under the boardgets all white, and if the trunks are going to make white spots onyour lawn, I'll have them removed, but I thought that if we movedthe trunks around to different places every day it would avoid that. But you know more about that than I do. Do you think they will makewhite places on the lawn, Mr. Fenelby?"

"I don't know, " he said, abstractedly. "I mean, yes, of course theywill. But they will get rained on. You don't want your trunks rainedon, you know. Trunks aren't meant to be rained on. It isn't good forthem. " A thought came to him suddenly. "You and Laura haven'tquarreled, have you?" he asked, for he thought that perhaps that waswhy Kitty would not have her trunks carried up. 

"Indeed not!" cried Kitty, putting her arm affectionately aroundLaura's waist. 

"I--I thought perhaps you had, " faltered Mr. Fenelby. "Ithought--that is to say--I was afraid perhaps you were going awayagain. I thought you were going to make us a good, long visit--"

"Indeed I am, " said Kitty, cheerfully. "I am going to stay weeks, and weeks, and weeks. I am going to stay until you are all tired todeath of me, and beg me to begone. "

"That is good, " said Mr. Fenelby, with an attempt at pleasure. "Butdon't you think, since you are going to do what we want you to do, and stay for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, that you had better letyour trunks be taken up to your room? Or--I'll tell you what we'lldo! Suppose we just take the trunks into the lower hall?"

He felt pretty certainly, now, that Kitty must have had a littletouch of, say, sunstroke, or something of that kind, and he went onin a gently argumentative tone. 

"Just into the lower hall, " he said. "That would be different fromhaving them in your room, and it would save my grass. I worked hardto get this lawn looking as it does now, Kitty, and I cannot denythat big trunks like these will not do it any good. Let us say wewill put the trunks in the lower hall. Then they will be safe, too. No one can steal them there. A front lawn is a rather conspicuousplace for trunks. And what will the neighbors say, too, if we leavethe trunks on the lawn? Why shouldn't we put the trunks in the lowerhall?"

"Well, " said Kitty, "I can't afford it, that is why. Really, Mr. Fenelby, I can't afford to have those three trunks brought into thehouse. "

"And yet, " said Mr. Fenelby, with just the slightest hint ofimpatience, "you girls could afford to give the man a dollar _not_to take them in! That is woman's logic!"

"Oh! a dollar!" said Kitty. "If it was only a matter of a dollar! Ihope you don't think, Mr. Fenelby, that I travel with only tendollars' worth of baggage! No, indeed! I simply cannot afford to payten per cent. Duty on what is in those trunks, and so I prefer tolet them remain on the lawn. I wrote Laura that I expected to betreated as one of the family while I was visiting her, and if theDomestic Tariff is part of the way the family is treated I certainlyexpect to live up to it. Now, don't blame Laura, for she was notonly willing to have the trunks come in without paying duty, butinsisted that they should. "

Mr. Fenelby looked very grave. He was in a perplexing situation. Hecertainly did not wish to appear inhospitable, and yet Laura had hadno right to say that the trunks could enter the house duty free. Theonly way such an unusual alteration in the Domestic Tariff could bemade was by act of the Family Congress, and he very well knew thatif once the matter of revising the tariff was taken up it was beyondthe ken of man where it would end. He preferred to stand pat on thetariff as it had been originally adopted. 

"I told her, " said Kitty, "that she had no right to throw off theduty on my trunks, at all, and that I wouldn't have it, and Ididn't. "

"Well, Tom, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "you know perfectly well that wecan't leave those trunks out on the lawn. It would not only beabsolutely foolish to do that, but cruel to Kitty. A girl simplycan't visit away from home without trunks, and it is absolutelynecessary that Kitty should have her trunks. "

"'Necessities, ten per cent. , '" quoted Kitty. 

"But, my dear, " said Mr. Fenelby, softly, "we really can't break allour household rules just because Kitty has brought three trunks, canwe? Kitty does not expect us to do that, and I think she looks at itin a very rational manner. I like the spirit she has evinced. "

"Very well, then, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "you must find some way totake care of those trunks, for we cannot leave them on the lawn. "

"Why can't we take them to some neighbor's house?" asked Kitty. "Iam sure some neighbor would be glad to store them for me for awhile. Aren't you on good terms with your neighbors, Laura?"

"The Rankins might take them, " said Laura, thoughtfully. "They havethat vacant room, you know, Tom. They might not mind letting us putthem in there. "

"I don't know the Rankins, " said Kitty, "but I am sure they areperfectly lovely people, and that they would not mind in the least. "

"I know they wouldn't, " said Mr. Fenelby. "Rankin would be glad todo something of that sort to repay me for the number of times he hasborrowed my lawn-mower. I will step over after dinner and ask him. "

"Are you sure, very sure, that you do not mind, Kitty?" asked Mrs. Fenelby. "You will not feel hurt, or anything?"

"Oh, no!" said Kitty, lightly. "It will be a lark. I never in mylife went visiting with three trunks, and then had them stored inanother house. It will be quite like being shipwrecked on a desertisland, to get along with one shirt-waist and one handkerchief. "

"It will not be quite that bad, you know, " said Mr. Fenelby, withthe air of a man stating a great discovery, "because, don't you see, you can open your trunks at the Rankins', and bring over just asmany things as you think you can afford to pay on. "

For some reason that Mr. Fenelby could not fathom Kitty laughedmerrily at this, and then they all went in to dinner. It was a verygood dinner, of the kind that Bridget could prepare when she was inthe humor, and they sat rather longer over it than usual, and thenMr. Fenelby proposed that he should step over to the Rankins' andarrange about the storage of Kitty's trunks, and on thinking it overhe decided that he had better step down to the station and see if hecould not get a man to carry the trunks across the street and up theRankins' stairs. As they filed out of the house upon the porch, Kitty suddenly decided that it was a beautiful evening for a littlewalk, and that nothing would please her so much as to walk to thestation with Mr. Fenelby, if Laura would be one of the party, andafter running up to see that Bobberts was all right, Laura saidthat she would go, and they started. As they were crossing thestreet to the Rankins' Kitty suddenly turned back. 

[Illustration: "Never in the history of trunks was the act ofunpacking done so quickly or so recklessly"]

"You two go ahead, " she said. "The air will do you good, Laura. Ihave something I want to do, " and she ran back. 

She entered the house, and looked out of the window until she sawthe Fenelbys go into the Rankins' and come out again, and saw themstart to the station, but as soon as they were out of sight shedashed down the porch steps and threw open the lids of her trunks. Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done soquickly or so recklessly. She dived into the masses of fluffinessand emerged with great armfuls, and hurried them into the house, upthe stairs, and into her closet, and was down again for anotherload. If she had been looting the trunks she could not have workedmore hurriedly, or more energetically, and when the last armful hadbeen carried up she slammed the lids and turned the keys, and sankin a graceful position on the lower porch step. 

Mr. And Mrs. Fenelby returned with leisurely slowness of pace, thestation loafer and man-of-little-work slouching along at arespectful distance behind them. Kitty greeted them with a cheerfulfrankness of face. The man-of-little-work looked at the three bigtrunks as if their size was in some way a personal insult to him. Hetried to assume the look of a man who had been cozened away from hisneeded rest on false pretences. 

"I didn't know as the trunks was as big as them, " he drawled. "IfI'd knowed they was, I wouldn't of walked all the way over here. Fifty cents ain't no fair price for carryin' three trunks, the sizeand heft of them, across--well, say this is a sixty footstreet--say, eighty feet, and up a flight of stairs. I don't saynothin', but I'll leave it to the ladies. "

"Fifty cents!" cried Kitty. "I should think not! Why, I didn'timagine you would do it for less than a dollar. I mean to pay you adollar. "

"That's right, " said the man. "You see I have to walk all the wayback to the station when I git through, too. My time goin' andcomin' is worth something. "

[Illustration: "With all the grace of a Sandow"]

He bent down and took the largest trunk by one handle, to heave itto his back, and as he touched the handle the trunk almost aroseinto the air of its own accord. The man straightened up and lookedat it, and a strange look passed across his face, but he closedhis mouth and said nothing. 

"Would you like a lift?" asked Mr. Fenelby. 

"No, " said the man shortly. "I know _how_ to handle trunks, I do, "and it certainly seemed that he did, for he swung it to his backwith all the grace of a Sandow, and started off with it. Mr. Fenelbylooked at him with surprise. 

"Now, isn't that one of the oddities of nature?" said Mr. Fenelby. "That fellow looks as if he had no strength at all, and see how hecarries off that trunk as if there was not a thing in it. I supposeit is a knack he has. Now, see how hard it is for me merely to liftone end of this smallest one. "

But before he could touch it Kitty had grasped him by the arm. 

"Oh, don't try it!" she cried. "Please don't! You might hurt yourback. "

IV

BILLY

A few minutes before noon the next day Billy Fenelby dropped intoMr. Fenelby's office in the city and the two men went out to lunchtogether. It would be hard to imagine two brothers more unlike thanThomas and William Fenelby, for if Thomas Fenelby was inclined to besmall in stature and precise in his manner, William was all that hisnickname of Billy implied, and was not so many years out of hiscollege foot-ball eleven, where he had won a place because of hissize and strength. Billy Fenelby, after having been heroized byinnumerable girls during his college years, had become definitely aman's man, and was in the habit of saying that his girly-girl dayswere over, and that he would walk around a block any day to escapemeeting a girl. He was not afraid of girls, and he did not hatethem, but he simply held that they were not worth while. The truthwas that he had been so petted and worshiped by them as a starfoot-ball player that the attention they paid him, as an ordinaryyoung man not unlike many other young men out of college, seemedtame by comparison. No doubt he had come to believe, during hiscollege days, that the only interesting thing a girl could do was toadmire a man heartily, and in the manner that only foot-ball playersand matinee idols are admired, so that now, when he had noparticular claim to admiration, girls had become, so far as he wasconcerned, useless affairs. 

"Now, about this girl-person that you have over at your house, " hesaid to his brother, when they were seated at their lunch, "whatabout her?"

"About her?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "How do you mean?"

"What about her?" repeated Billy. "You know how I feel about thegirl-business. I suppose she is going to stay awhile?"

"Kitty? I think so. We want her to. But you needn't bother aboutKitty. She won't bother you a bit. She's the right sort, Billy. Notlike Laura, of course, for I don't believe there is another womananywhere just like Laura, but Kitty is not the ordinary flightygirl. You should hear her appreciate Bobberts. She saw his goodpoints, and remarked about them, at once, and the way she has caughtthe spirit of the Domestic Tariff that I was telling you about isfine! Most girls would have hemmed and hawed about it, but shedidn't! No, sir! She just saw what a fine idea it was, and when shesaw that she couldn't afford to have her three trunks brought intothe house she proposed that she leave them at a neighbor's. Did notmake a single complaint. Don't worry about Kitty. "

"That is all right about the tariff, " said Billy. "I can't say Ithink much of that tariff idea myself, but so long as it is thefamily custom a guest couldn't do any less than live up to it. But Idon't like the idea of having to spend a number of weeks in the samehouse with any girl. They are all bores, Tom, and I know it. A mancan't have any comfort when there is a girl in the house. Andbetween you and me that Kitty girl looks like the kind that is sureto be always right at a fellow's side. I was wondering if Laurawould think it was all right if I stayed in town here?"

"No, she wouldn't, " said Tom shortly. "She would be offended, and sowould I. If you are going to let some nonsense about girls being abore, --which is all foolishness--keep you away from the house, youhad better--Why, " he added, "it is an insult to us--to Laura andme--just as if you said right out that the company we choose to askto our home was not good enough for you to associate with. If youthink our house is going to bore you--"

"Now, look here, old man, " said Billy, "I don't mean that at all, and you know I don't. I simply don't like girls, and that is allthere is to it. But I'll come. I'll have my trunk sent overand--Say, do I have to pay duty on what I have in my trunk?"

"Certainly, " said Mr. Fenelby. "That is, of course, if you want toenter into the spirit of the thing. It is only ten per cent. , youknow, and it all goes into Bobberts' education fund. "

Billy sat in silent thought awhile. 

"I wonder, " he said at length, "how it would do if I just put a fewthings into my suit-case--enough to last me a few days at atime--and left my trunk over here. I don't need everything I broughtin that trunk. I was perfectly reckless about putting things in thattrunk. I put into that trunk nearly everything I own in this world, just because the trunk was so big that it would hold everything, andit seemed a pity to bring a big trunk like that with nothing in itbut air. Now, I could take my suit-case and put into it the things Iwill really need--"

"Certainly, " said Mr. Fenelby. "You can do that if you want to, andit would be perfectly fair to Bobberts. All Bobberts asks is to bepaid a duty on what enters the house. He don't say what shall bebrought in, or what shall not. Personally, Billy, I would call theduty off, so far as you are concerned, but I don't think Laura wouldlike it. We started this thing fair, and we are all living up to it. Laura made Kitty live up to it and you can see it would not be rightfor me to make an exception in your case just because you happen tobe my brother. "

"No, " agreed Billy, "it wouldn't. I don't ask it. I will play thegame and I will play it fair. All I ask is: If I bring a suit-case, do I have to pay on the case? Because if I do, I won't bring it. Ican wrap all I need in a piece of paper, and save the duty on thesuit-case. I believe in playing fair, Tom, but that is no reason whyI should be extravagant. "

"I think, " said Tom, doubtfully, "suit-cases should come in free. Ofcourse, if it was a brand new suit-case it would have to pay duty, but an old one--one that has been used--is different. It is likewrapping-paper. The duty is assessed on what the package containsand not on the package itself. If it is not a new suit-case youwill not have to pay duty on it. "

"Then my suit-case will go in free, " said Billy. "It is one of thefirst crop of suit-cases that was raised in this country, and Ivalue it more as a relic than as a suit-case. I carry it more as asouvenir than as a suit-case. "

"Souvenirs are different, " said Mr. Fenelby. "Souvenirs are classedas luxuries, and pay thirty per cent. If you consider it a souvenirit pays duty. "

"I will consider it a suit-case, " said Billy promptly. "I willconsider it a poor old, worn-out suit-case. "

"I think that would be better, " agreed Mr. Fenelby. "But we willhave to wait and see what Laura considers it. "

As on the previous evening the ladies were on the porch, enjoyingthe evening air, when Mr. Fenelby reached home, with Billy in tow, and Billy greeted them as if he had never wished anything betterthan to meet Miss Kitty. 

"Where is this custom house Tom has been telling me about?" heasked, as soon as the hand shaking was over. "I want to have mybaggage examined. I have dutiable goods to declare. Who is theinspector?"

[Illustration: "'I declare one collar'"]

"Laura is, " said Kitty. "She is the slave of the grinding systemthat fosters monopoly and treads under heel the poor people. "

"All right, " said Billy, "I declare one collar. I wish to bring onecollar into the bosom of this family. I have in this suit-case onecollar. I never travel without one extra collar. It is thetwo-for-a-quarter kind, with a name like a sleeping car, and it hasbeen laundered twice, which brings it to the verge of ruin. How muchdo I have to pay on the one collar?"

"Collars are a necessity, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "and they pay tenper--"

"What a notion!" exclaimed Kitty. "Collars are not a necessity. Collars are an actual luxury, especially in warm weather. Many veryworthy men never wear a collar at all, and would not think ofwearing one in hot weather. They are like jewelry or--or somethingof that sort. Collars certainly pay thirty per cent. "

"I reserve the right to appeal, " said Billy. "Those are the words ofan unjust judge. But how much do I take off the value of the collarbecause two thirds of its life has been laundered away? How much isone third of twelve and a half?"

"Now, that is pure nonsense, " Kitty said, "and I sha'n't let poor, dear little Bobberts be robbed in any such way. That collar costtwelve and a half cents, and it has had two and a half cents spenton it twice, so it is now a seventeen and a half cent collar, andthirty per cent. Of that is--is--"

"Oh, if you are going to rob me!" exclaimed Billy. "I don't care. Ican get along without a collar. I will bring out a sweaterto-morrow. "

"Sweaters pay only ten per cent. , " said Kitty sweetly. "What elsehave you in your suit-case?"

"Air, " said Billy. "Nothing but air. I didn't think I could affordto bring anything else, and I will leave the collar out here. Iopen the case--I take out the collar--I place it gently on the porchrailing--and I take the empty suit-case into the house. I pay noduty at all, and that is what you get for being so grasping. "

Mr. Fenelby shook his head. 

"You can't do that, Billy, " he said. "That puts the suit-case inanother class. It isn't a package for holding anything now, and itisn't a necessity--because you can't need an empty suit-case--so itdoesn't go in at ten per cent. , so it must be a luxury, and it paysthirty per cent. "

"That suit-case, " said Billy, looking at it with a calculating eye, "is not worth thirty per cent. Of what it is worth. It isworthless, and I wouldn't give ten per cent. Of nothing for it. Itstays outside. So I pay nothing. I go in free. Unless I have to payon myself. "

"You don't have to, " said Kitty, "although I suppose Laura and Tomthink you are a luxury. "

"Don't you think I am one?" asked Billy. 

"No, I don't, " said Kitty frankly, "and when you know me better, youwill not ask such a foolish question. Where ever I am, there a youngman is a necessity. "

V

THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST

The morning after Billy Fenelby's arrival at the Fenelby home heawakened unusually early, as one is apt to awaken in a strange bed, and he lay awhile thinking over the events of the previous evening. He was more than ever convinced that Kitty was not the kind of girlhe liked. He felt that she had made a bare-faced effort to flirtwith him the evening before, and that she was just the kind of agirl that was apt to be troublesome to a bachelor. She was the kindof a girl that would demand a great deal of attention and expect itas a natural right, and then, when she received it, make the manfeel that he had been attentive in quite another way, and that theonly fair thing would be to propose. And he felt that she was thekind of girl that no man could propose to with any confidencewhatever. She would be just as likely to accept him as not, andhaving accepted him, she would be just as likely to expect him tomarry her as not. He felt that he was in a very ticklish situation. He saw that Kitty was the sort of girl that would take any air ofrude indifference he might assume to be a challenge, and any comelypolite attention to be serious love making. He saw that the onlysafe thing for him to do would be to run away, but, since he hadseen Kitty, that was the last thing in the world that he would havethought of doing. He decided that he would constitute her brighteyes and red lips to be a mental warning sign reading "Danger" inlarge letters, and that whenever he saw them he would be as wary asa rabbit and yet as brave as a lion. 

He next felt a sincere regret that he had refused to pay the duty onthe clean collar he had brought with him, and that he had left onthe railing of the porch. He got out of bed and looked at the collarhe had worn the day before, and frowned at it as he saw that it wasnot quite immaculate. Then he listened closely for any sound in thehouse that would tell him Mr. Or Mrs. Fenelby were up. He heardnothing. He hastily slipped on his clothes, and tip-toed out of theroom and down the stairs. This tariff for revenue only was wellenough for Thomas and Laura, and assessing a duty of ten per cent. On everything that came into the house (and thirty per cent. Onluxuries) might fill up Bobberts' bank, and provide that baby withan education fund, but it was an injustice to bachelor uncles whenthere was an unmarried girl in the house. If this Kitty girl waswilling to so forget what was due to a young man as to appear in onedress the whole time of her stay, that was her look-out, but for hispart he did not intend to lower his dignity by going down tobreakfast in a soiled collar. If creeping down to the porch in hisstockings, and bringing in that collar surreptitiously, wassmuggling, then--

Billy stopped short at the screen door. From there he could see thespot on the railing where he had put the collar, and the collar wasnot there! No doubt it had fallen to the lawn. He opened the screendoor carefully and stepped outside. The early morning air was cooland sweet, and an ineffable quiet rested on the suburb. He tip-toedgently across the porch and down the porch steps, and hobbledcarefully across the painful pebble walk and stepped upon the lawn. There was dew on the lawn. The lawn was soaked and saturated andsteeped in dew. It bathed his feet in chilliness, as if he hadstepped into a pail of ice water, and the vines that clambered upthe porch-side were dewy too. As he kneeled on the grass and pawedamong the vines, seeking the missing collar, the vines showered downthe crystal drops upon him, and soaked his sleeves, and added afinishing touch of ruin to the collar he was wearing. The othercollar was not there! It was not among the vines, it was not on thelawn, it was not on the porch, and soaked in socks and sleeves heretreated. He paused a minute on the porch to glance thoughtfully atthe moist foot-prints his feet left on the boards, and wondered ifthey would be dry before Tom or Laura came down. At any rate therewas no help for it now, and he went up the stairs again. 

The most uncomfortable small discomfort is wet socks, whether theycome from a small hole in the bottom of a shoe or from walking on alawn in the early morning, and Billy wiggled his toes as he slowlyand carefully climbed the stairs. As he turned the last turn at thetop he stopped short and blushed. Kitty was standing there awaitinghim, a smile on her face and his other collar in her hand. She laidher finger on her lip, and tapped it there to command silence, andraised her brows at him, to let him know that she knew where he hadbeen and why. 

"I thought you would want it, " she said in the faintest whisper, "soI smuggled it in last night. I had no idea _you_ would stoop tosuch a thing, but--but I felt so sorry for you, without a collar. "

"Thanks!" whispered Billy. It was a masterpiece of whispering, thatword. It was a gruff whisper, warding off familiarity, and yet itwas a grateful whisper, as a whisper should be to thank a prettygirl for a favor done, but still it was a scoffing whisper, with atinge of resentfulness, but resentfulness tempered by courtesy. Underlying all this was a flavor of independence, but not such crudeindependence that it killed the delicate tone that implied that thehearer of the whisper was a very pretty girl, and that that factwas granted even while her interference in the whisperer's affairswas misliked, and her suspicions of dishonest acts on his partconsidered uncalled for. If he did not quite succeed in getting allthis crowded into the one word it was doubtless because his feetwere so wet and uncomfortable. Billy was rather conscious that hehad not quite succeeded, and he would have tried again, adding thistime an inflection to mean that he well understood that her objectwas to get him into a quasi conspiracy and thus draw him irrevocablyinto confidential relations of misdemeanor from which he could notescape, but that he refused to be so drawn--I say he would haverepeated the word, but a sound in one of the bed-rooms close at handsent them both tip-toeing to their rooms. 

They had hardly reached safety when the door of Mr. Fenelby's roomopened and Mr. Fenelby stole out quietly, stole as quietly down thestairs and out upon the porch. He looked at the railing where Billyhad left the collar, and then he peered over the railing, and assilently stole up the stairs again. He paused at Billy's door andtapped on it. Billy opened it a mere hint of a crack. 

"What is it?" he whispered. 

"That collar, " whispered Mr. Fenelby. "I thought about it all night, and I didn't think it right that you should be made to do withoutit. I just went down, to get it, but it isn't there. "

"Never mind, " whispered Billy. "Don't worry, old man. I will wearthe one I have. "

Mr. Fenelby hesitated. 

"Of course, " he whispered, "you won't--That is to say, you needn'ttell Laura I went down--"

"Certainly not, " whispered Billy. "It was awfully kind of you tothink of it. But I'll make this one do. "

Mr. Fenelby waited at the door a moment longer as if he hadsomething more to say, but Billy had closed the door, and he wentback to his room. 

It was with relief that Bridget heard the door close behind Mr. Fenelby. She had been standing on the little landing of theback-stairs, where he had almost caught her as she was coming up. Ifshe had been one step higher he would have seen her head. Usuallyshe would not have minded this, for she had a perfect right to be onthe back-stairs in the early morning, but this time she felt that itwas her duty to remain undiscovered. Now that Mr. Fenelby was goneshe softly stepped to Billy's door and knocked lightly. 

"Misther Billy, sor, are ye there?" she whispered. Billy opened thedoor a crack and looked out. 

"Mornin' to ye, " she said in a hoarse whisper. "I'm sorry t'disthurb ye, but Missus Fenelby axed me t' bring up th' collar yeleft on th' porrch railin', an' t' let no wan know I done it, an' Ijust wanted t' let ye know th' reason I have not brung it up isbecause belike someone else has brang it already, for it is gone. "

"Thank you, Bridget, " whispered Billy. "It doesn't matter. "

She turned away, but when he had closed the door she paused, andafter hesitating a moment she tapped on his door again. He openedit. 

"I have put me foot in it, " she said, "like I always do. W'u'd ye beso good as t' fergit I mentioned th' name of Missus Fenelby, that'sa dear man? I raymimber now I was not t' mention it t' ye. "

"Certainly, Bridget, " said Billy, and he closed the door and wentagain to the window, where he was turning his socks over and over inthe streak of sunlight that warmed a part of the window sill. 

It took the socks a little longer to dry than he had thought itwould, and they were still damp enough to make his feet feelanything but comfortable when he heard the breakfast bell tinklefaintly. He hurried the rest of his toilet and went down the stairs, assuming as he went the air of unsuspected innocence that is theinborn right of every man who knows he has done wrong. The bodilyBilly was more conscious of the discomfort of his feet, but themental Billy was all collar. He had never known a collar to be soobtrusive. He felt that he must seem all collar, even to the mostcasual eye, but he was upheld by the belief that no one would dareto mention collar to him in public. If he had sinned he was not theonly sinner, for he was but a partner in conspiracy. He walked downthe stairs boldly. 

"And to think that his vanity should be the cause of robbing poorlittle Bobberts, " he heard a clear voice say as he neared thedining room door. "It is too mean! I can never look up to man withthe faith I have always had in man, after this. But I know they werehis foot-prints, Laura. "

"Are you so sure, Kitty?" asked Mrs. Fenelby. "Mightn't theybe--mightn't they be Bridget's?"

"They were not, " said the voice of Kitty, and Billy paused where hewas and stood still. "Bridget does not go about in the wet grass inher stocking feet. Those were Billy's tracks on the porch. I am noSherlock Holmes, but I can tell you just what he did. He stole downbefore we were awake, to look for that collar, and he did not findit on the railing where he had left it. Then he saw it where it hadfallen and he went down on the wet lawn and got it. Watch him whenhe comes in to breakfast. He will be wearing a collar, and it willnot be the one he wore last night. "

Billy turned and tip-toed softly up the stairs again, undoing histie as he went. When he came down his neck was neatly, butinformally swathed in a white handkerchief. Three pairs of eyeswatched him as he entered, but he faced them unflinchingly. Mr. AndMrs. Fenelby let their eyes drop before his glance, but Kitty methis gaze with a challenge. There was nothing of treachery in herface, and yet she had sought to betray him. He looked at her withgreater interest than he had ever known himself to feel regardingany girl, and as he looked he had a startled sense that she wasfairer than she had been, and he caught his breath quickly and beganto talk to Mrs. Fenelby. 

"Tom, " he said, after breakfast, as Mr. Fenelby was getting readyto leave to catch his train, "I think I'll walk over to the stationwith you. I have something I want to say to you. "

"Come along, " said Mr. Fenelby. "But you will have to walk quickly. I have just time to catch my train. "

"Did you notice anything peculiar about Miss Kitty this morning?"asked Billy, when they had left the house. 

"Peculiar?" said Mr. Fenelby. "No, I don't think so. "

"Well, I don't want to make trouble, Tom, " said Billy, "but I thinkI ought to speak about this thing. If it wasn't serious I wouldn'tmention it at all, but I think you ought to know what is going on inyour own house. I think you ought to know what kind of a girl MissKitty is, so that you can be on your guard. Now, you went down toget that collar for me, didn't you?"

"I wish you wouldn't mention that, " said Mr. Fenelby with someannoyance. 

"Oh, I know all about that, " said Billy, warmly. "You say thatbecause you don't like to be thanked for all these nice, thoughtfulthings you do for a fellow. But I do thank you--just as much as ifyou had found the collar and had brought it up to me. That was allright. You would have paid the duty on it, and that would have beenall right. But what do you think Miss Kitty did? Why do you thinkyou could not find that collar? Do you know what she did? Shebrought that collar into the house--smuggled it in--and she had thenerve, the actual nerve, to give it to me. And I took it. I couldn'tdo anything else, could I, when a girl offered it to me? I couldn'tsay I wouldn't take it, could I? I had to be a gentleman about it. And then she tried to get me into trouble by telling you I wouldcome down to breakfast wearing that collar. She tried to make outthat I was a smuggler. "

"I suppose it was just a bit of fun, " said Mr. Fenelby. "Girls arethat way, some of them. "

"Well, I want it understood that that collar is in the house, andthat I didn't bring it in, " said Billy, "and that if this DomesticTariff business is to be carried out fairly it is Miss Kitty'sbusiness to pay the duty on it. I want to set myself right with you. But the thing I wanted to speak about was far more serious. Do youknow what she had on this morning?"

"What she had on?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What did she have on?"

"She had on a pink shirt-waist, " said Billy fiercely. "That is whatshe had on. Right at breakfast there, in plain sight of everyone. Apink shirt-waist!"

"Well, that's all right, isn't it?" asked Mr. Fenelby, doubtfully. "It's proper to wear a pink shirt-waist at breakfast, isn't it? Ithink Laura wears shirt-waists at breakfast sometimes. I'm sure it'sall right. An informal home breakfast like that. "

"But it was pink, " insisted Billy. "I looked right at it, and Iknow. Real pink. You wouldn't notice it, because you are so honestyourself, and so confiding, but I noticed it the first thing. Nowwhat do you think of your Miss Kitty? What do you say to that--agirl coming right down to breakfast in a pink shirt-waist, rightbefore the whole family?"

"I--I don't know what to say, " faltered Mr. Fenelby, and this wasthe truth, for he did not. 

"Well, what would you say if I told you that she had on a whiteshirt-waist last evening--a white one with fluffy stuff all aroundthe collar?" asked Billy. "Wouldn't you say that that proved it?"

"I don't see anything wrong in that, " said Mr. Fenelby. "What doesit prove?"

"It proves that she has two shirt-waists, " said Billy, seriously, "that is what it proves. Two shirt-waists, a white one and a pinkone, one for dinner and one for breakfast. I don't blame you for notnoticing it, but I am strong that way. I notice colors and trimmingsand all that sort of thing. And I tell you she has two. I saw themboth and I know it. If that isn't serious I don't know what is. "

"Well?" said Mr. Fenelby. 

"Well, " echoed Billy, "she is only supposed to have one. She onlypaid duty on one, and she has two. That is what I call realsmuggling. And nobody knows how many more she has. Dozens for all Iknow. Imagine her talking about my one poor old last year's collar, and then flaunting around in two shirt-waists right before our eyes. I call that pretty serious. I'm going to watch her. You can't behere all day to do it, but I haven't anything else to do, and I'mgoing to stay right around her all day and find out about thisthing. "

"If you don't want to--" began Mr. Fenelby, remembering Billy'sprotestations of dislike for girls. 

"I'll do my duty by you and Bobberts, old man, " said Billy, generously. 

"I was only going to say that Laura could look out for that sort ofthing, " said Mr. Fenelby. "I might say a word to her. "

"Well, now, I didn't like to bring that part of it up, " said Billy, "but since you mention it, I guess I had better say the whole thing. It isn't natural that a woman shouldn't notice what another womanhas on, is it? They are all keen on that sort of thing. I don't sayLaura is standing in with Kitty on this shirt-waist smuggling. Isuppose it worries her terribly to see Kitty smuggling clothes inright under her nose, but how can Laura say anything about it? Kittyis her guest, isn't she? You leave it to me!"

Just then they reached the station and the train arrived and Mr. Fenelby jumped aboard, and as it pulled out Billy turned and walkedback to the house. 

VI

BRIDGET

When the Commonwealth of Bobberts had adopted the Fenelby DomesticTariff it had been Mrs. Fenelby's duty to inform Bridget of it, andto explain it to her, and for two days Mrs. Fenelby worried aboutit. It was only by exercising the most superhuman wiles that aservant could be persuaded to sojourn in the suburb. To hold one inthrall it was necessary to practice the most consummate diplomacy. The suburban servant knows she is a rare and precious article, andshe is apt to be headstrong and independent, and so she must bedriven with a tight rein and strong hand, and yet she is so apt toleave at a moment's notice if anything offends her, that she must bedriven with a light rein and a hand as light and gentle as a bit ofthistledown floating on a zephyr. This is a hard combination toattain. It is like trying to drive a skittish and headstrong horse, densely constructed of lamp-chimneys and window glass, down a roughcobble-stoned hill road. If given the rein the glass horse will dashmadly to flinders, and if the rein is held taut the horse's glasshead will snap off and the whole business go to crash. No jugglerkeeping alternate cannon-balls and feathers in the air everexercised greater nicety of calculation than did Mrs. Fenelby in heract of at once retaining and restraining Bridget. 

To go boldly into the kitchen and announce to Bridget that she wouldhereafter be expected to pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent. Ofthe value of every necessity and thirty per cent. Of the value ofevery luxury she brought into the house was the last thing that Mrs. Fenelby would have thought of doing. There were bits in that roughsketch of human nature known as Bridget's character that did notharmonize with the idea. There had been nothing said, when Bridgethad been engaged, about a domestic tariff. Paying one is not usuallyconsidered a part of a general house-worker's duties, and Mrs. Fenelby felt that it would be poor policy to break this news toBridget too abruptly. She used diplomacy. 

"Bridget, " she said, kindly, "we are very well satisfied with theway you do your work. We like you very well indeed. "

"Thank ye, ma'am, " answered Bridget, "and I'm glad to hear ye say it, though it makes little odds t' me. I do the best I know how, ma'am, and if ye don't like the way I do, there is plenty of other ladieswould be glad t' get me. "

"But we do like the way you do, " said Mrs. Fenelby eagerly. "We areperfectly satisfied--perfectly!"

"From th' way ye started off, " said Bridget, with a shrug of hershoulders, "I thought ye was goin' t' give me th' bounce. Some doesit that way. "

"No, indeed, " Mrs. Fenelby assured her. "Especially not as you takesuch an interest in dear little Bobberts. You seem to like him aswell as if he was your own little brother. Did I tell you what Mr. Fenelby had planned for him?"

"Somethin' t' make more worrk for me, is it?" asked Bridgetsuspiciously. 

"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "It is just about his education;about when he gets old enough to go to college. "

"'Twill be a long time from now before then, " said Bridget. "I cansee it has nawthin' to do with me. "

"But that is just it, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "It has something to dowith you--and with all of us. With everyone in this house. You lovelittle Bobberts so much that you will be glad to help in hiseducation. "

"Will I?" said Bridget in a way that was not too encouraging. 

"Yes, I know you will, " Mrs. Fenelby chirped cheerfully, "because itis the cutest plan. I know you will be so interested in it. Mr. Fenelby thought of it himself, and he told me to tell you about it, because, really, you know, you are just like one of the family--"

"Barring I have t' be in at ten o'clock and have t' sleep in th'attic, " Bridget interposed. "And don't eat with th' family. And afew other differences. But go ahead and tell me what is th' extryworrk. "

"Well, it isn't extra work at all, " said Mrs. Fenelby reassuringly. "It is just a way we thought of to raise money to pay for Bobberts'education. It is like a government and taxes, and everybody in thefamily pays part of the taxes--"

"I was wonderin' why I was one of the family so much, all of asuddent, " said Bridget. "I thought something was comin'. I noticethat whenever I get to be one of th' family, ma'am, where ever Ihappen t' be workin', something comes. But it never has been taxesbefore. It is a new one to me, taxes is. "

Mrs. Fenelby explained as clearly as she could the meaning andmethod of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and its simple schedule ofrates, and Bridget listened attentively. Mrs. Fenelby expected anexplosion, and was prepared for it. 

"I'm sure I'm much obliged t' ye, Missus Fenelby, " said Bridget, sarcastically, "an' 'tis a great honor ye are doin' me t' take meinto th' family this way, but 'tis agin me principles t' be one ofth' family on sixteen dollars a month when there is tariffs in th'same family. I'm thinkin' I'll stay outside th' family, ma'am. An' ifye will kindly let me past, I'll go up an' be packin' up me trunk. "

"But Bridget, " Mrs. Fenelby said, quickly, "I am not through yet. Iknew you couldn't afford to pay the--the tariff. I didn't expect youto, out of your wages. And if you had just waited a minute I wasgoing to tell you that, seeing that you will be out of pocket by thetariff, I am going to pay you eighteen dollars a month after this. "

"Well, of course, " said Bridget with a sweet smile, "I was onlyjokin' about me trunk. "

So that was all settled, and Mrs. Fenelby felt at ease, but she didnot think it necessary to tell her husband about the extra twodollars a month. It came out of her housekeeping money, and shecould economize a little on something else. 

"Laura, " said her husband that evening, "have you spoken to Bridgetabout the tariff yet?"

"Yes, dear, " she answered, and he said that was right, and that shemust see that Bridget lived up to it. But he did not tell her thathe had interviewed Bridget while Mrs. Fenelby was upstairs a fewminutes before, nor that he had privately agreed with Bridget to payher two dollars a month extra out of his own pocket provided sheaccepted the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and abided by it, just as ifshe was one of the family. Neither did Bridget think it worth whileto mention it to Mrs. Fenelby. From the time she was informed of theexistence of the tariff up to the arrival of Kitty Bridget paid intoBobberts' bank twenty cents. This was the duty on a two dollar hatthat even the most critical mind could not have called a luxury, andthere Bridget's payments seemed to stop. She did not seem to feelthe need of making any purchases just then. 

"Kitty, dear, " said Mrs. Fenelby, gently, the morning of the dampfoot-prints on the porch, after the men had started for the station, "that is a pretty shirt-waist you have on this morning. "

"Do you like it?" asked Kitty, innocently. "Don't you think it is alittle tight across the shoulders?"

"No, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "And I like this skirt better than the oneyou were wearing yesterday. "

There was no mistaking the meaning of that. The way Mrs. Fenelbybowed over the bit of sewing she had taken up was evidence that shehad suspicion in her mind. Kitty clasped her hands behind her backand laughed. 

"You have been looking into my closet!" she declared. "You sit thereand try to look innocent, and you know everything that I have, downto the last ribbon! Well, I just can't afford to pay your oldtariff. It would simply ruin me. And the men will never know, anyway. They don't notice such things. I could wear a differentdress every day, and they wouldn't know it. "

"But I know it, " said Laura, reprovingly. "Do you think it is right, Kitty, to smuggle things into the house that way? Is it fair toBobberty?"

"There!" exclaimed Kitty, dropping a jingling coin into Bobberts'bank. "There is a quarter for him! That is every cent I can afford. "

"That wouldn't pay the duty on one single shirt-waist, " said Laura, quietly. 

"It wouldn't, " admitted Kitty, frankly, bending over Laura andtaking her face in her hands. She turned the face upward and lookedin its eyes. Then she bent down and whispered in Laura's ear, andlaughed as a blush suffused Laura's face. 

"I was short of money, " said Laura with dignity, "and I mean to paythe duty as soon as I get my next week's allowance. I simply had tohave a new purse, and you coaxed me to buy it. It wasn't smugglingat all. "

"Wasn't it?" asked Kitty. "Then why did you ask me to leave it inmy room, instead of showing it to Tom? Smuggler!"

Mrs. Fenelby arose and walked away. She turned to the kitchen andopened the door. She was just in time to see Bridget lower a bottlefrom her lips and hastily conceal it behind her skirts. 

"Bridget!" she exclaimed sharply, with horror. 

"'Tis th' doctor's orders, ma'am, " said Bridget. "'Tis for me cold. "

She coughed as well as she could, but it was not a very successfulcough. Mrs. Fenelby hesitated a moment, and then she pointed to thedoor. 

"You may pack your trunk, Bridget, " she said, and Bridget jerked offher apron and stamped out of the kitchen. 

"But perhaps the poor thing was taking it by her doctor's orders, "suggested Kitty, when Mrs. Fenelby, red eyed, went into the frontrooms again. 

"She'll have to go, " said Mrs. Fenelby, dolefully. "I can't have adrinking servant where poor, dear Bobberts is. But that isn't whatmakes me feel so badly. It is to think how that girl has deceivedme. I treated her just as I would treat one of the family, and shepretended to be so fond of Bobberts, and so interested in hiseducation, and so eager to help his fund, and here she has beensmuggling liquor into the house all the time. "

She wiped her eyes and sighed. 

"And liquor is a luxury, and pays thirty per cent. , " she said sadly. "I don't know who to trust when I can't trust a girl like Bridget. She should have paid the duty the minute she brought the stuff intothe house. It just shows that you can't place any reliance on thatclass. "

Kitty nodded assent. 

"You'll have to pay her, " she said. "Shall I run up and get yourpurse?"

She went, and as she reached the hall, Billy entered. He gazed atKitty's garments closely, making mental note of them for futurecomparisons, and as he stood aside to let her pass he held one handcarefully out of sight behind him. It held a package--an oblongpackage, sharply rectangular in shape. A close observer would havesaid it was a box such as contains fifty cigars when it is full, butit was not full. Billy had taken one of the cigars out when he madethe purchase at the station cigar store. 

VII

THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE

When Billy Fenelby had taken his box of cigars up to his room hecame down again, but he did not go anywhere near Bobberts' bank, ashe should have gone had he intended depositing in it the thirty percent. Of the value of the cigars, which was the duty due on cigarsunder the provisions of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. He walked outto the veranda and got into the hammock and began to read themorning paper. 

From time to time he let it hang down over the edge of the hammock, as if it bored him, and he glanced at the door as if he hopedsomeone would come out of the house. The paper was not veryinteresting that morning, and Billy had other things to think of. Hehad volunteered to keep an eye on Kitty, and to find out definitely, if he could, whether she was smuggling shirt-waists and otherthings--or had already smuggled them--into the house, contrary tothe provisions of the tariff. He felt that the more he saw of girlsthe less he liked them, and that the more he saw of Kitty, particularly, the less he fancied her, but if he was going to dothis amateur detective business he wanted to begin it as soon aspossible, and he watched the door closely. He wanted to see whetherKitty would still wear the pink shirt-waist she had worn atbreakfast, or the white one she had worn the evening before, orwhether she would dare to wear another. 

The sudden departure of Bridget had upset the domestic affairssomewhat, and Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby were busy in the kitchen, butafter the dishes were washed, and the rooms set to rights, and thebeds made, and Bobberts given his bath, Kitty came out. It had beena long and tedious morning for Billy. There is nothing so helplessas a detective who can't work at his business of detecting, and whenthe job is to detect a pretty girl, and she won't show up, thewaiting is rather tiresome. At one time Billy was almost tempted togo in and ask her to come out, and he would probably have gone inand snooped around a bit, if she had not appeared just then. 

Kitty came out with all the brazen effrontery of a hardenedcriminal. That is to say she came out singing, and with her hairperfectly in order, and looking in every way fresh and charming. Billy recognized this immediately as the wile of a malefactor tryingto throw an officer of the law off the scent, but he was not to bediscouraged by it, and he jumped out of the hammock and went up toher. She still wore the pink shirt-waist, and it was very becoming. She looked just as well in it as if she had paid the lawful ten percent. Duty on it. It is not the duty that makes that kind of ashirt-waist pretty; it is the way it is made, and the trimming. Thegirl that is in it helps some, too. It is a fact that a shirt-waistlooks entirely different on different girls. You have to considerthe girl and her shirt-waist together, as a whole or unit, if youare going to be able to recognize it when you see it again, andBilly was ready to consider it that way. If he ever saw that pinkconfection with that saucy chin and merry face above it again hemeant to be able to recognize the combination. That is one of theduties of a detective. 

"Let's go out under the tree, " he said, "and sit down, and--and talkit over. I have something I want to talk about. "

"Talk it over, " said Kitty, lifting her eyebrows. "Talk what over?"

You couldn't nonplus Billy that way, when he was in pursuit of hisduty. 

"Well, " he said, "we--that is, I didn't thank you for bringing me upthat collar this morning. I want to thank you for it. "

"Yes?" said Kitty. "Well, here I am. Thank me. You did thank meonce, but I don't care. Do it again. "

"Thank you, " said Billy. 

"You're welcome, " Kitty said, and then they both laughed. 

"What do you think of this Domestic Tariff business?" asked Billy, seeking to lead her into some admission of which he could make useas proof of her smuggling. 

"I think it is a simply splendid idea!" Kitty declared. "I am sureno one but Tom could have thought of it, and the very minute I heardof it I went into it body and soul. It was so clever of him toconceive such an idea, and such a simple way to build up aneducation fund for dear, sweet, little Bobberts! And isn't it niceof Tom and Laura to let us be in it and pay our share of the duty. It makes us feel so much more as if we were really part of thefamily. "

"Doesn't it?" said Billy. "It makes us feel as if we had a right tobe here--when we pay duty and all that. I feel like bringing in alot of stuff just so that I can pay duty on it. I was thinkingabout it this morning, and about that little joke of mine about notbringing in that collar last night, and I felt what I had missed byleaving it out on the porch, so I got up and went down for it. Thatwas how you happened to meet me in the hall--I wanted to get it andbring it in so I could pay the duty, and be in the fun myself. Youdon't think I was going to smuggle it in, do you?"

"Oh, no!" said Kitty, with a long-drawn o. "Nobody would be so meanas to smuggle anything into the house, when the duty all goes todear little Bobberts. It is such fun to pay duty, just as if thehouse was a real nation. It is like being part of the nation, andyou know we women are not that. We can't vote, nor anything, and achance like this is so rare that we enjoy it immensely. You didn'tthink it was queer that I should go down so early in the morning toget your collar and bring it in, did you?"

"Well, of course, " said Billy, doubtfully, "it wasn't your collar, you know. It was my collar. "

"I know it was, " Kitty admitted frankly, "but you know how little wewomen can bring into the house. Hardly anything. We shop and shop, but we hardly ever really buy anything, and all the time I am justcrazy to be paying duty, and to know whether it is ten per cent. Orthirty per cent. , and all that, as if I was a man, and so, when Ihappened to think of that collar that you had left down here on theporch railing, I saw it was my chance, and I decided to come downand get it and bring it into the house, so I could have the fun ofpaying the duty on it. So I came down and got it. And just as Ireached the landing on my way up I met you, and I was so surprisedthat I just handed the collar to you. "

"Of course, " said Billy. "That was just the way it was, except that_I_ had just reached the landing on _my_ way up, when you handed methe collar. _You_ couldn't have just reached the landing, because ifyou had we would have been going up the stairs together, side byside, and we were not doing that. _I_ was going up the stairs, andjust as I reached the landing you came from somewhere and handed methe collar. "

"Isn't that what I said?" asked Kitty sweetly. "It amounts to thesame thing, anyway, doesn't it? I had the collar, and you got it. Isuppose you paid the duty on it?"

"Me?" said Billy. "Not much! I didn't bring it into the house; youbrought it in. You have to pay the duty. "

"I pay the duty on your collar?" laughed Kitty. "Well, I shouldthink I would not! I went down and got it for you, and that wasnothing but an act of kindness that anybody would do for anybodyelse. You can pay your own duties. "

"Oh, I sha'n't pay a duty on it!" scoffed Billy. "I didn't want thecollar. I didn't need it, and I refused to bring it into the houseon principle. I don't believe in tariff duties. I'm a free trader. Iwouldn't smuggle, and I wouldn't pay duty, and so I left it outside. You should have left it there. You didn't leave it there, and so itis your duty to pay the duty. "

"Never!" declared Kitty. 

For a few minutes they were silent, and Billy looked glumly at thestreet. Then he cheered up suddenly. He looked at Kitty and smiled. 

"I'll tell you what let's do!" he exclaimed. "Let's go out under thetree and talk it over. We'll go out under the tree and talk it allover. That is the only way we can settle it. "

"It is settled now, " said Kitty. "I don't think it needs any moresettling. "

Billy beamed upon her cheerfully. 

"Well, " he said, "let's go out under the tree and--and unsettle it. "

For a moment Kitty seemed to hesitate, but that was only for Billy'sgood, lest he think she yielded to his whims too readily. Then shewent, and draped herself gracefully upon the sweet, dry grass, andBilly sat himself cross-legged near her. 

"Now, what do you think of this Domestic Tariff business, anyway?"he asked. 

"I think it is the silliest thing I ever heard of, " said Kittyfrankly. "I never heard of a man with real sense conceiving such athing. As if such a lot of nonsense is needed to save a few dollarsfor an education that isn't to come about for sixteen years or so!And the idea of making his guests pay the duty too! It is the mostunhospitable thing I ever heard of!"

"Isn't it?" agreed Billy, promptly. "It makes us feel as if we hadno right to be here. A man can't afford to bring even the things heneeds, when he has to pay that exorbitant duty on everything. And itis so much worse on you. Now I can get along with very little. A mancan, you know. But how is a girl going to do without all the thingsshe is accustomed to? I believe, " he said, confidentially loweringhis voice and glancing at the house, "I believe, if I were a girl, I would be tempted to smuggle in the things I really needed. "

"Would you?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "But then you men have differentideas of such things, don't you? You don't think a girl would dosuch a thing, do you? Would you advise it? I don't know whether--howwould you go about smuggling, if you wanted to? But I don't believeit would be honest, would it?"

She turned up to him two such innocent eyes that Billy almostblushed. There is no satisfaction in knowing a person is guilty, thesatisfaction is in making the person look guilty, and Kitty lookedlike an innocent child questioning the face of a tempter and seeingguilt there. He longed to ask her outright how she happened to havea pink shirt-waist, but he did not dare to, lest he put her at onceon her guard. He felt a great desire to take her by the shouldersand shake her out of her calm superiority. It was very trying tohim. No girl had a right to act as if she thought herself thesuperior of any man. Just to show her how inferior she was hedropped the subject of the tariff entirely and began a conversationon Ibsen. He did not know much about Ibsen but he knew a little andhe could lead her beyond her depths and make her feel herinferiority that way. Kitty listened to him with an amused smile, and then told him a few things about Ibsen, quoted a fewenlightening pages from Hauptmann, routed him, slaughtered himgently as he fled from position to position, and ended by asking himif he had ever read anything of Ibsen's. It was very trying toBilly. This girl evidently had no respect for the superior brain ofman whatever. 

"I think the lawn needs sprinkling, " he said, coldly. 

"Do you know how it should be done?" she asked, and that was thefinal insult. Nice girls never asked such questions in such a way. Nice girls looked up with wonder in their eyes and said, "Oh! Youmen know how to do everything!" That settled Billy's opinion ofKitty! She was evidently one of these over-educated, forward, scheming, coquetting girls. She had not even said, "Oh! don'tsprinkle the lawn now; stay here and talk with me. " He squared hisshoulders and marched over to the sprinkling apparatus, while shesat with her back against the tree and watched him. He turned on thewater and adjusted the nozzle to a good strong flow. He wet thelawn at the rear of the house first, and was pulling the hose afterhim into the front lawn when Mrs. Fenelby suddenly appeared on theporch. She had a box of cigars in her hand, and when he saw themBilly jumped guiltily. 

"Billy!" she exclaimed, "Are these your cigars?"

"Why, say!" he said, after one glance at her face on which suspicionwas but too plainly imprinted. "Those are cigars, aren't they?That's a whole box of cigars, isn't it?"

"It is, " said Mrs. Fenelby, severely, "and I found it in your room. I don't remember having received any duty on a box of cigars, Billy. I hope you were not trying to smuggle them in. I hope youwere not trying to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, Billy. "

Billy held the nozzle limply in one hand and let the stream pourwastefully at his feet. 

"That box of cigars--" he began weakly. "That box of cigars, the boxyou found in my room, well, that is a box of cigars. You see, Mrs. Fenelby, " he continued, cautiously, "that box of cigars was up therein my room, and--Now, you know I wouldn't try to smuggle anythingin, don't you? Now, I'll tell you all about it. " But he didn't. Helooked at the box thoughtfully. He saw now that he had been silly tobuy a whole box. A man should not buy more than a handful at a time. 

"Well?" said Mrs. Fenelby, impatiently. 

"Isn't that the box you bought when you went over to the stationwith Tom this morning?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "You brought back abox when you returned you know. "

Billy turned his head and glared at her. But she only smiled at him. He did not dare to look Mrs. Fenelby in the eye. 

"Tom smokes a great deal, doesn't he?" Kitty continued lightly. "Iwondered when you brought that box of cigars back with you if hehadn't asked you to bring them over for him. That was what I thoughtthe moment I saw you with them. "

"Why, yes, of course, " said Billy, with relief. "That was how itwas. I--I didn't like to say it, you know, " he assured Mrs. Fenelby, eagerly, "I--I didn't know just how Tom would feel about it. Tomwill pay the duty. When he comes home this evening. He couldn't comehome from the station--and miss his train--and all that sort ofthing--just to pay the duty on a box of cigars, could he? So Ibrought them home. It is perfectly plain and simple! You see if hedoesn't pay the duty as soon as he gets in the house. Tom wouldn'twant to smuggle them in, Mrs. Fenelby. You shouldn't think he woulddo such a thing. I'm--I'm surprised that you should think that ofTom. "

Mrs. Fenelby looked at him doubtfully, and then glanced at Kitty'sinnocent face. She shook her head. It did not seem just what Tomwould have done, but she could not deny that it might be so. Shewould know all about it when he came home in the evening. She cast aglance at the lawn, and uttered a cry. Billy was pouring oceans ofwater at full pressure upon her pansy bed, and the poor flowers weredashing madly about and straining at their roots. Some were alreadylying washed out by the roots. Billy looked, and swung the nozzlesharply around, and the scream that Kitty uttered told him that hehad hit another mark. That pink shirt-waist looked disreputable. Water was dripping from all its laces, and from Kitty's hair, andher cheeks glistened with pearly drops. She was drenched. 

"Goodness!" she exclaimed, shaking her hanging arms and herdown-bent head, and then glancing at Billy, who stood idioticallyregarding her, she laughed. He was a statue of miserable regret, andthe limply held garden hose was pouring its stream unheeded into hislow shoes. Wet as she was, and uncomfortable, she could not refrainfrom laughing, for Billy could not have looked more guilty if shehad been sugar and had completely melted before his eyes. Even Mrs. Fenelby laughed. 

"It doesn't matter a bit!" said Kitty, reassuringly. "Really, Idon't mind it at all. It was nice and cool. "

She was very pretty, from Billy's point of view, as she stood with awisp or two of wet hair coquettishly straggling over her face. Mrs. Fenelby would have said she looked mussy, but there is somethingstrangely enticing to a man in a bit of hair wandering astray over apretty face. Before marriage, that is. It quite finished Billy. Heforgave her all just on account of those few wet, wandering locks. 

"I'm so sorry!" he said, with enormous contrition. "I'm awfullysorry. I'm--I'm mighty sorry. Really, I'm sorry. "

"Now, it doesn't matter a bit, " said Kitty lightly. "Not a bit! I'lljust run up and get on something dry--"

"You had better shut off the water, " said Mrs. Fenelby, and wentinto the house. 

Billy laid the hose carefully at his feet. 

"I say, " he said, hesitatingly, to Kitty, "wear the one you had onlast night--the white one. I--I think that one's pretty. "

"Oh, no!" said Kitty. "I can't wear that one. That one is all mussedup. I can't wear that one again. I have a lovely blue one. "

"No!" said Billy, whispering, and glancing suspiciously at thehouse. "Not blue! Please don't! It--it's dangerous. "

"Oh, but it is a dream of a waist!" said Kitty. "You wait until yousee it. "

"No!" pleaded Billy again. "Not a blue one! If you wore a blueone I couldn't help but notice it was blue. It isn't safe. Don'twear a blue one, or a green one, or a brown one. Just a white one. Not any other color; just white. You see, " he said with suddenconfidentiality, "I'm a detective. I'm detecting for Tom. I told himI would, and I've got to keep my word. He has a notion someone issmuggling things into the house without paying the duty, and he gotme to detect at you for him. We're suspicious about your clothes. There's a white waist, and this pink waist, already, and if you goto wearing blue ones and all sorts of colors, I can't help butnotice it. I don't want to get you into trouble with Tom, you know. "He hesitated a moment and then said, "You helped me out about thosecigars. "

"All right!" said Kitty, cheerfully, "I'll wear a white one, but Ithink you might be color blind if you really want to help me. "

VIII

THE FIELD OF DISHONOR

There was a train from the city at 6:02, and Tom was not likely tobe home on one earlier. At 5:48 Kitty and Billy and Mrs. Fenelbywere sitting on the porch, and Bobberts was lying in a tilted-backrocking chair, behaving himself. It was a calm and peaceful suburbanscene--the stillness and the loneliness and the mosquitoes were allpresent. It was the idle time when no one cares whether time fliesor halts. Mrs. Fenelby had the table set and the cold dinner ready;Kitty was primped; and Billy should have had nothing in the world todo, but he had been opening and closing his watch every minute forthe last half hour. He was uneasy. At 5:48 he arose and stretchedout his arms. 

"I guess, " he said as lazily as he could; "I guess I'll walk downand meet Tom. I haven't been out much to-day. "

There was one thing he had to do. He had to see Tom before Mrs. Fenelby could see him, and explain about that box of cigars. If Tomwas to be held responsible for the duty on it Tom should at leastknow that a box of cigars had been brought into the house. It wasabsolutely necessary for Billy to see Tom, and explain a few things. 

"We have none of us been out enough to-day, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "Itwill do us all good to walk down to the station, and we will takeBobberts. "

Billy stood still. The cheerful expression that had rested on hisface faded. There would be a pretty lot of trouble if the whole lotof them went in a group, and he wondered that Kitty did not seethis, and why she did not say something to dissuade Mrs. Fenelbyfrom leaving the house. He simply had to get a few words with Tom inprivate before Mrs. Fenelby could ask her husband about the cigars. 

[Illustration: "When the 6:02 pulled in"]

"I wouldn't advise it, " said Billy, shaking his head. "No, indeed. Iwouldn't take the chance, Laura. " He walked to the end of the porchand peered earnestly at the western sky. It was a singularly clearand cloudless sky. "I'm afraid it will rain, " he explained, boldly. "It wouldn't do to take Bobberts out and let him get rained on. Itlooks just like one of those evenings when a rain comes up all ofa sudden. I wouldn't risk it. "

"Nonsense!" said Mrs. Fenelby, shortly, and she gathered the crowingBobberts into her arms and started. Kitty also arose, but Billy hungback. 

"I guess I won't go, " he declared. "It looks too much like rain. "

"Nonsense!" declared Mrs. Fenelby again. "You come right along. Idon't believe it will rain for a week. "

There was nothing for him to do but to go, and he went. The three ofthem were standing on the platform when the 6:02 pulled in, and theylooked eagerly for Mr. Fenelby, but they did not see him among thealighting commuters. Mr. Fenelby saw them first. He saw them beforethe train pulled up to the station, for he had been standing on thecar platform with a box under his arm, ready to make a dash for homethe moment the train stopped, but now he stepped back and, as thetrain slowed down, he jumped off on the opposite side of the train. There was a small row of evergreens on the little lawn of thestation, and he stepped behind one of them and waited. Between thethin branches of the tree he could see his family, when the trainpulled out, looking eagerly at the straggling line of commuters. Thebox he held was heavy, and he hoped the family would soon decidethat he had missed the train, and would go home, but he saw Mrs. Fenelby seat herself on the waiting-bench. He saw Kitty take a seatbeside her, and he saw Billy, after evident hesitation, take theseat next to Kitty. The evergreen tree was small, and the next treeto it was ten feet distant. He was marooned behind that tree. 

Mr. Fenelby instantly saw that he had done a foolish thing. He hadthat overwhelming sense of foolishness that comes to a man at times, when he thinks he has never done a sane and sound act in his wholesilly life. Mr. Fenelby realized that he had been foolish when hehad bought, on the subscription plan, a complete set of EugeneField's works, bound in three-quarters levant morocco, twelvevolumes for thirty-six dollars. He realized that although he had hadto pay but five dollars down, to the agent, he would have to paythirty per cent. Of the value of the whole set, in duty, the momenthe took the books into the house. He realized that he had been sillyto bring the whole heavy set home at one time. He realized that hehad been positively childish when he thought of hiding himselfbehind this miserable little tree, with this heavy box in his armsand six suburban stores staring him full in the face. He wonderedwhat the proprietors of the six stores would think of him if theyhappened to see him hiding there behind the tree, while his wholefamily awaited him on the station platform. And then, as he happenedto remember that one of the stores was a drug-store with asoda-fountain, he shuddered. Given three suburbanites on a stationplatform, and a train not due for thirty minutes for which they mustwait, and a soda-fountain across the way, and the answer is that thethree suburbanites will soon be in the place where the soda-fountainis. 

When Mrs. Fenelby arose Mr. Fenelby shifted the box of books into amore secure angle of his arm, and as the trio, and Bobberts, startedacross the track and lawn Mr. Fenelby edged cautiously around thetree to keep it between him and them. The trade of smuggler has everbeen one of wild adventure and excitement. 

He peered at them until they entered the drug-store, and then hebacked cautiously away, step by step, with the tree as a screen. Ashe reached the corner of the station he turned and ran, and as heturned he saw Billy hurry out of the drug-store and run, and Mrs. Fenelby and Kitty hurry out after Billy. Mr. Fenelby did not waitto see if they also ran. He ran all the way home, and hurried intothe house, and up the stairs to the attic. He felt better about theset of Field now. He had always wanted it, and he deserved it, forhe had waited for it long. He could hide it in the attic and bringit into the realm of the tariff duty one volume at a time. He felthis way into the fartherest corner and pushed the box under therafters. It would not quite go back where he wanted it to go, forsomething was in the way of it. He pulled the other thing out. Itwas also a box. It was another box of Eugene Field in twelvevolumes, three-quarter levant, and it was addressed to "Mrs. ThomasFenelby. " There had never been any duty paid on books since theCommonwealth of Bobberts had been established. For a moment Mr. Fenelby frowned angrily; then he smiled. He hid his set of Field inthe other corner of the attic, and hurried down stairs. 

He expected to find Billy there, for he had seen him start to runwhen he left the drug-store, but there was no Billy in sight, andMr. Fenelby seated himself in the hammock and waited. He was readyto receive his returning family with an easy conscience. His box waswell hidden. When they appeared in the distance he saw that theywere all together, Billy and the two girls and Bobberts, and Mr. Fenelby arose and waved his hand to them. He was ready to be merryand jovial, and to tease them cheerfully because they had not seenhim when he got off the train. But Mrs. Fenelby climbed the porchsteps with an air of anger. 

"Good evening, " she said, coldly. "I see you are home. "

She laid Bobberts in the chair and faced Mr. Fenelby. 

"Now, I want to know what all this means!" she declared. "I thinkthere is something peculiar going on in this family. Why did Billyrun all the way down to the next station so that he could be thefirst to meet you as you came home this evening? Why did you avoidus at the station and hurry home this way? You may think I amsimple, Thomas Fenelby, but I believe somebody is smuggling thingsinto the house without paying the tariff duty on them! I believe youand Billy are conspiring to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, and Iwant to know the truth about it! I believe Kitty is in it too!"

"Laura!" exclaimed Kitty, with horror, recoiling from her, while thetwo men stood sheepishly. "Why, Laura Fenelby! If you say such athing I shall go right up and pack my clothes and go home!"

"What clothes?" asked Mr. Fenelby, meaningly. Kitty ignored theinsinuation. 

"You three should not dare to look me in the face and talk aboutsmuggling, " she declared. "You dare to accuse me. I would like tohave you explain about that box upstairs first. "

Mr. Fenelby and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby paled. For one moment therewas perfect silence while Kitty, with folded arms, looked at themscornfully. Then, with strange simultaneousness, all three openedtheir mouths and said:

"I'll explain about that box!"

IX

BOBBERTS INTERVENES

Kitty stood scornfully triumphant awaiting the next words of theguilty trio, and three more cowed and guilt-stricken smugglers neverfaced an equally guilty accuser with such uncomfortable feelings. Billy was sorry he had ever tried to fabricate the story about Mr. Fenelby having asked him to bring the box of cigars home; Mr. Fenelby wished he had left the set of Eugene Field's works at theoffice, and Mrs. Fenelby was, perhaps, the most worried of all, forshe did not know whether to admit her guilt and own that she hadbrought a set of Eugene Field into the house without paying theduty, or to annihilate the accusing Kitty by declaring that Kittyhad a whole closet full of smuggled garments. It was a tryingsituation. 

In a drama this would have been the cue for the curtain to fall witha rush, ending the act and leaving the audience a space to wonderhow the complication could ever be untangled, but on the Fenelby'sporch there was no curtain to fall. So Bobberts fell instead. 

He raised his pink hands and his head, rolled over in the porchrocker in which he had been lying, and fell to the porch floor witha bump. A curtain could not have ended the scene more quickly. Neverin his life had he been so cruelly treated as by this faithlessrocking-chair. He had reposed his simple faith in it, and it threwhim to earth, and then rocked joyously across him. His voice arosein short, piercing yells. He turned purple with rage and pain. Hedrew up his knees and simply, soulfully screamed. Up and down thestreet neighbors came out upon their verandas, napkins in hand, andstared wonderingly at the Fenelby porch. Kitty and Billy stood likea wooden Mr. And Mrs. Noah in the toy ark, but Mr. Fenelby and Laurasprang to Bobberts' aid and gathered him into their arms, orderingeach other to do things, and soothing Bobberts at the same time. 

The Fenelby Domestic Tariff was entirely forgotten. 

"Well!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, when Bobberts had tapered off fromthe yells of rage to the steady weeping of injured feelings. "Whatare you standing there like two sticks for? Can't you see poor, dear little Bobberts is nearly killed? Why don't you do something?"

There was really nothing they could do. Mr. And Mrs. Fenelby madesuch a compact crowd around Bobberts that no one else could squeezein, but Kitty dropped on her knees and edged up to the crowd, murmuring, "Poor Bobberts! Poor Bobberts!"

Billy stood awkwardly, feeling in his pockets. He had an idea thatif he could find something to jingle before Bobberts it might beabout the right thing to do, but his hand touched one of thesmuggled cigars, and he withdrew it as if his fingers had beenburnt. This poor, weeping child was the Bobberts he had beencheating of a few pennies. He touched Kitty diffidently on theshoulder. 

"Can't I do something?" he asked, pleadingly, and Kitty took pity onhim. 

"Heat some water; very hot!" she said. She was not a baby expert, but she felt that hot water would not be a bad thing to have handyin a case like this. There is one good thing about hot water--if itis not wanted it does no harm, for if allowed to stand it will getcool again--and it pleased her to be able to order Billy to dosomething. The prompt and eager manner in which he obeyed the orderpleased her still more. He ran all the way to the kitchen. 

Half an hour later he cautiously carried a dish-pan full of water tothe porch and stared in amazement at the place where he had leftBobberts and his parents. They were gone! He felt that he had notbeen quite as quick with the water as he might have been, for theonly burner that had been lighted on the gas range was the"simmerer, " and that had only a flame as large around as a dollar, and not strong, but he had not dared to light another. He had a dimremembrance that stoves of some kind sometimes exploded, and he didnot want to risk an explosion by tampering with an unknown stove. Hefelt that a stove and Bobberts both exploding at the same time wouldhave been more than the Fenelbys could have borne. As he stoodholding the pan of hot water well away from him the sound of theclick of knives and forks on china came to him through the openwindow. Only a little of the hot water spilled over the edge of thepan upon his legs as he opened the screen door and entered the hall. 

He walked carefully, bent over and holding the pan at arm's length, and as he entered the dining room the three diners looked up at himin open mouthed surprise. They had forgotten all about Billy. 

"Here it is, " said Billy, with modest pride and an air ofaccomplishment. "It is good and hot. I let it get as hot as itcould. "

The blank amazement that had dulled the face of Kitty gave way to alook of understanding and a smile as she remembered having orderedhim to get hot water, but the amazement on the faces of Mr. Fenelbyand his wife remained as blank as ever. 

"It is hot water, " said Billy, explaining. "I heated it. What shallI do with it?"

The sodden surprise on Mr. Fenelby's face melted away. A dish-panfull of hot water served during the course of a cold dinner hadamusing elements, and Mr. Fenelby smiled. So did Mrs. Fenelby. Everybody smiled but Billy. He was serious. 

"Well, " he said, with a touch of impatience, "these handles are hot. I can't stand here holding them all night. What do you want me to dowith this hot water?"

"What do you want to do with it?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What do youusually do with a panful of hot water when you have one? You mighttake a bath, if you want to. You will find the bath-room at the topof the stairs, first turn to the left. Run along, and don't stay inthe water too long. "

Mrs. Fenelby and Kitty laughed, and Mr. Fenelby smiled broadly athis own humor. Billy blushed. 

"I heated it for Bobberts, " he said, stiffly. 

"Thank you!" said Mr. Fenelby. "But we won't boil Bobberts thisevening, Billy. Not just now, anyhow. We like to oblige, but wecan't be expected to boil our only son just because you turn up inthe middle of a meal with a pan of hot water. If we ever boil him itwill not be in the middle of a meal. Please don't insist. "

Billy reddened to the roots of his hair. Mrs. Fenelby was laughingopenly and Tom was pleased with the excellence of his joke. Billyraised his head angrily and strode out of the room, and Kitty, fromwhose face the smile had fled, started up with blazing eyes. 

"I think you are horrid!" she cried, turning to Bobberts' laughingparents. "I think you ought to thank him instead of making fun ofhim. I told him to heat the water, because Bobberts was hurt, and Ithought you might want it, and because he was trying to be helpfuland--and nice, you sit there and laugh at him. If you want to makefun of anyone, make fun of me! I suppose you will!"

"Why, Kitty!" cried Mrs. Fenelby. 

"Yes!" cried Kitty. "I suppose you will. That seems to be what youwant to do--make your guests as uncomfortable as you can. You don'twant us here. You make up this foolish tariff to make trouble, andyou drive away your servants so that we feel that we are imposing onyou, and you make fun of us when we try to be helpful--"

"Why, Kitty!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby again. 

"You do!" Kitty declared. "I'm surprised at you, Laura Fenelby, Iam indeed. I'm surprised that you should let your husband dictateto you, and make you his slave with his tariffs and such things, butyou like it. Very well, be his slave if you want to. But I can seeone thing--Billy and I are not wanted in this house. You and yourhusband just want to be alone and enjoy your selfish house. The bestthing Billy and I can do is to go. I can see very plainly now, Laura, that you got up that silly tariff just to drive us out of thehouse. Very well, we will go!"

She turned from the amazed parents of Bobberts to the amazed Billywho was standing in the hall with the inoffensive pan of hot waterin his hands, and put her hand on his arm. 

"Come!" she said. "I am going up to pack my trunks. "

For a moment after the shock the Fenelbys sat in surprised silence, looking blankly each into the other's face, and then Laura spoke. 

"Tom, " she gasped, "they mustn't leave this way!"

Mr. Fenelby slowly folded his napkin, and as slowly placed it in thering. Then he laid the ring gently on the table and arranged hisknife and fork side by side on his plate, as prescribed by the guidebooks to good manners. 

"She said she was going up stairs to pack her trunks, " he said withdeliberation. "To pack her trunks. If she has enough to pack intotrunks, Laura, there has been smuggling going on in this house. "

Mrs. Fenelby folded her napkin as slowly as her husband had justfolded his, and she kept her eyes on it as she answered. 

"Tom, " she said, "do you think it is quite the time now to talk ofsmuggling? Wouldn't it be better if you went up and apologized toKitty and Billy?"

"Laura, " said Mr. Fenelby, "it is always time to talk of smuggling. The foundation of the home is order; order can only be maintainedby living up to such rules as are made; the Fenelby Domestic Tariffis more than a rule, it is a law. If we let the laws of our home betrampled under foot by whoever chooses the whole thing totters, sways and falls. The home is wrecked and sorrow and dissention come. Dissention leads to misunderstanding and divorce. That is why I amstrict. That is why I refuse to let two strangers wreck our wholelives by ignoring the Domestic Tariff. If they do not like the lawsof our little Commonwealth, they can go. The door is open!"

"Thomas Fenelby, " said his wife, "I think you are horrid! I neverknew anything so unhospitable in my life. It isn't as if no one inthis house ever broke that tariff law except Kitty and Billy; youhaven't explained about that box--"

Mr. Fenelby reddened and he looked at his wife sternly. 

"Do you mean the box I found hidden under the eaves in the attic, addressed to you, my dear?" he asked with cutting sweetness, andMrs. Fenelby, in turn, grew red and gasped. 

"You are mean!" she exclaimed. "I think you are not--not nice to gopoking around under eaves and things, trying to find some blame tothrow up to your wife! I wish you had never thought of your horridtariff, and--and--"

She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and a minute later went out ofthe room and up the stairs. Mr. Fenelby heard her cross the floorabove him, and heard the creaking of the bed as she threw herselfupon it. He looked sternly out of the dining room window awhile. Never, never had his wife spoken such words to him before. If shewished to act so it was very well--she should be taught a lesson. She was vexed because she had been caught in a palpable case ofsmuggling herself. Now he--

He arose and took Bobberts' bank from the mantel; from his pocket hedrew a small collection of loose change and one or two small bills, and saving out one dime he fed the rest into Bobberts' bank. For afew more minutes he looked gloomily from the window, and then hewent gloomily forth and dropped into the hammock. 

With cautious steps Billy Fenelby stole down the stairs and bendingover the rail looked into the dining room. It was empty, and hetip-toed down the rest of the way and, glancing from side to sidelike one fearing discovery, dropped a handful of loose coins intoBobberts' bank. As he ascended the stairs his face wore the look ofa man who is square with the world. 

As she heard the door close upon him when he entered his room Mrs. Fenelby rose from her bed and wiped her eyes. She took her pursefrom the dresser and opened it, then paused for she heard a dooropening slowly. She heard light steps cross the hall and descend thestairs, but she could not see Kitty. She could only hear the faintclick of coin dropping upon coin in the dining room below her. Sheknew that Kitty was feeding Bobberts' education fund, and shewaited until she heard Kitty's door close again, and then she wentdown and poured into the opening of the bank the remains of herweek's household allowance, and began the task of clearing thetable. As she worked the tears splattered down upon the plates asshe bent over them. How could Tom be so cruel and unfeeling?Doubtless he was enjoying the thought of having hurt her feelings, if he had not already forgotten all about her, taking his ease inthe hammock. 

She glanced out of the window at him. There he lay, but as shelooked he raised his hands and struck himself twice on the headwith his clenched fists and groaned like a man in misery. For amoment he lay still and then once more he struck himself on thehead, and drawing up his legs kicked them out angrily, like anaughty child in a tantrum. He was _not_ having the most blissfulmoments of his life. Once more he drew up his legs and kicked, andthe hammock turned over and dumped him on the floor of the porch. 

"Ouch!" he exclaimed quite normally, and looking up he saw his wife, and smiled. She not only smiled, but laughed, somewhat hystericallybut forgivingly. 

X

TARIFF REFORM

If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them, there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for thearrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battlesfor peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table givesabundant opportunity for the "interruption politic. " When theargument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum isdelivered, a boiled potato may still avert war: "Now, me lud, I askyou finally, will your government, or won't it? That is thequestion, " and from the opposing diplomat come the words, "Begpardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pass me the salt? Thanks!Don't you think the butter is a little strong?" and war is averted. Postponed, at least. 

Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who's rightand who's wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timelyejaculations of: "Oh, I did wipe that cup!" or interpolatedquestions, as: "Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?" A wise manwho finds himself cornered can always drop one of the blown-glasstumblers on the floor--they only cost five cents--or ask, innocently: "Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?" Bya judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr. And Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understandingand forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly rightin hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it wasintended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding, and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged thesecret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the rightthing when he did the same, and for the same reason; but they bothagreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in thematter of smuggling. 

"I know Billy, " said Mr. Fenelby, "and I know him well. I won't sayanything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggleanything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one, and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and heimmediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don't saythis to excuse him. I just say it. "

"Well, you know how women are, " said Mrs. Fenelby. "As sure as youget two or three women who have been abroad into a group they willbegin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when theycame through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling partbetter than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could youexpect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smugglethings through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one thatsmuggles the most is the winner. I don't say this to excuse her. Butit is so. "

"I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is, " saidMr. Fenelby, between plates; "but if you wish I will apologize toKitty, although I don't see why I should. The thing I am worryingabout is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a goodway to raise money--if anyone ever pays the tariff duties--but Idon't feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I putmoney in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I havebrought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. Andthe more I put in the more guilty I feel. "

"Of course it is all for his education fund, " said Mrs. Fenelby. 

"I know it, " said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what makes me feel sosmall and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. Duty. Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that everlived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fundvoluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him andhad to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he wasnothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of givingjoyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to havelaws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have topay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn't treatingBobberts in the right spirit. If he could understand he would behurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to becompelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatorychild or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular, and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid ofis that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we areinjuring him. I don't mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to befair and square with Bobberts. He's the only child we have, Laura. "

"Oh, Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dishwater; "do you think we have gone too far to make it all rightagain? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it, or--or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgivemyself!"

"I hope we haven't, " said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; "but we must nottake any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quitehardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether. "

"We will stop this tariff right this very minute!" cried Mrs. Fenelby joyously. "I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!"

Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby's face lost itsradiance and became questioningly fear-struck. 

"What is it?" she asked, anxiously. "Can't we stop? Must we keep onwith it forever and forever?"

"You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts, " said Mr. Fenelby. "The tariff law was passed by the congress, and it can onlybe repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present. "

Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her apron. 

"I hate to waken Bobberts, " she said, "but I will! I'd do anythingto have that tariff unpassed again. "

Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her arm, restraining her as she wasabout to rush from the kitchen. 

"Wait, Laura!" he said. "You forget that you and I are not the onlyStates now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would notform a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy. "

"Tom, " she said, "I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag themin by main force!" and she went to find them. Ten minutes later shereturned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, andwas hanging the dish-pan on its nail. 

The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in thehouse, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There wasnothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late whenKitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired ofsitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy didnot seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon wasbeautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts hadbeen put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with theirold-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of theFenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed isgreater than the peace that comes from paying a tax honestly. Thereis no fun in paying taxes. Not the least. 

"I think, Laura, " said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife hadlistened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes, "you had better go out and tell them to come in. "

Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she wentout--which was only fair--and she heard the low whispers change tolouder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not, evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposedin the hammock when she reached them. 

"Hello!" she said pleasantly, "Won't you come in? We are going tovote on the tariff. "

"Go ahead and vote, " said Billy cheerfully. "We won't interfere. "

"But we can't vote until you come in, " explained Mrs. Fenelby. "Wehaven't a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can't doanything until you come in. "

"Did you try?" asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. "We don'twant to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bringyour congress out here. "

"Billy, I would if I could, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "but I can't!Bobberts has to be present, and he can't be brought out into thenight air. "

Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair wasin order. 

"Come on, Billy, " she said. "Be accommodating, " and they went in. 

It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs. Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in herarms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called. 

"It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonsense, " heexplained. "You and Kitty have seen how it works--everybody in thehouse mad at one another--"

"Not Billy and I, " interposed Kitty. "Are we Billy?"

"Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are, " said Billy. "Wemust give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours. "

"Very well, " said Kitty; "we are all angry! Let us quarrel!"

"Seriously, now, " said Mr. Fenelby, very seriously indeed, "this hasgot to stop! You and Kitty may think it is all a joke, but Laura andI went into this thing before you came, and we meant it seriously. We went into it in parliamentary form, and in good faith. Now we seeit was all a mistake and we want to do away with it. If you willjust take it seriously for five minutes--if you can be sensible thatlong--we will not trouble you with it any more. Laura, awakenBobberts!"

Mrs. Fenelby awakened the Territory by gently kissing him on hiseyes, and he opened them and blinked sleepily at the ceiling. 

"Congress is in session, " said Mr. Fenelby. "And Laura moves thatthe Fenelby Domestic Tariff be repealed and annulled. I second it. All in favor of the motion say--"

"Stop!" exclaimed Billy, rising from his chair. "I object to this!Kitty and I did not come in here to have such an important motionrushed through without consideration. It is not parliamentary. Iwant to make a speech. "

"Oh, don't!" pleaded Mrs. Fenelby. "Think how late it is, Billy. "

"Mr. President and Ladies of Congress, " said Billy unrelentingly;"we are asked to repeal our tariff laws, our beneficent laws, enacted to send Bobberts to college. We stand in the presence of twocruel parents who would take away from their only Territory its solechance--as we were informed--of securing an education. We are askedto do this merely because there has been some slight difficulty incollecting the tariff tax. I am ashamed to be a State in acommonwealth that can put forward such an excuse. I care not whatothers may do, but as for me I shall never cast my vote to rob thatpoor innocent, " he pointed feelingly toward Bobberts, "to rob him ofhis future happiness! Never. You won't either, will you, Kitty?"

"I should think not!" exclaimed Kitty. "Poor little Bobberts!"

Mr. Fenelby moved the papers on his desk nervously. He was temptedto say something about smuggling, but he controlled himself, for itwould not do to antagonize one-half of congress. He felt that Kittyand Billy had been planning some great feats of smuggling, and thatthey had no desire to have their fun spoiled by the repeal of thetariff. Probably no smugglers are free traders at heart--free tradewould ruin their business. 

He put the motion, and the vote was what he had expected--two forand two against the motion. It was not carried. For a few minutesall sat in silence, the air tingling with suppressed irritability. Aword would have condensed it into cruel speech. It was Billy whobroke the spell. 

"I'm going out to smoke another duty-paid cigar before I turn in, "he said. "Do you want to have a turn on the porch, Kitty?"

"I think not. I'm tired. I'll go up, I think, " said Kitty, and theyleft the room together. 

Mr. Fenelby gathered his papers and his book together and pushedthem wearily into the desk. Then he dropped into a chair and lookedsadly at the floor. 

"Tom, " said Laura, "can't we stop the tariff anyway?"

"Oh, no!" said her husband disconsolately. "We can't do anything. We've got to go ahead with the foolishness until Kitty and Billy go. They would laugh at us and crow over us all their lives if wedidn't. Especially after the fool I have made of myself with thisvoting nonsense, " he added bitterly. 

Mrs. Fenelby sighed. 

XI

THE COUP D'ÉTAT

The next morning dawned gloomily. The sky was a dull gray, and asickening drizzle was falling, mixed with a thick fog that madeeverything and everybody soggy and damp. It was a most dismal anddisheartening Sunday, without a ray of cheerfulness in it, and Mr. And Mrs. Fenelby felt the burden of the day keenly. The house hadthe usual Sunday morning air of untidiness. It was a bad day onwhich to take up the load of the tariff and carry it through twelvehours of servantless housekeeping. 

Breakfast was a sad affair. Kitty and Billy, who seemed in highspirits, tried to give the meal an air of gaiety, but Mr. Fenelbywas glum and his wife naturally reflected some of his feeling, andafter a few attempts to liven things Kitty and Billy turned theirattention to each other and left the Fenelbys alone with theirgloom. As soon as breakfast was over, Kitty, after a weak suggestionthat she should help Laura with the dishes, carried Billy away, saying that no matter what happened she was going to church. TheFenelbys were glad to have them go, and Mr. Fenelby helped Lauracarry out the breakfast things. 

"Laura, " said Mr. Fenelby, "I lay awake a long time last nightthinking about the tariff, and something has got to be done aboutit! I cannot, as the father of Bobberts, let it go on as it isgoing. "

"I lay awake too, " said Laura, "and I think exactly as you do, Tom. "

"I knew you would, " said Mr. Fenelby. "The way Kitty and Billy areacting is not to be borne. They acted last night as if you and Iwere not capable of raising our own child! I really cannot putanother cent in that bank under the tariff law, Laura. Just thinkhow it looks--_we_ are not to be trusted to provide Bobberts with aneducation; _we_ are not fit to decide how to raise the money forhim. No, Kitty and Billy are to be his guardians. They don't trustus; they insist that we shall keep ourselves bound by the tariffsystem. They think we don't love dear little Bobberts, and theythink they can make us provide for him, just because they have thebalance of power!"

"Yes, " said Laura sympathetically. "I thought of all that, Tom, andI don't think it does them much credit. It is easy enough for themto say there must be a tariff, when they bring hardly anything intothe house that they have to pay duty on, but _we_ have to keep thehouse going. _We_ have to have vegetables and meat and all sorts ofthings, and they are making _us_ pay duty, while all they have to dois to eat and have a good time. Bobberts is our child, Tom, and itought to be for us to say what we will save for him, and how we willsave it. "

"That is just what I think, " said Mr. Fenelby feelingly, "and I amnot going to stand it any longer. I am going to have another meetingof congress this afternoon--"

"They will vote just the same way, " said Laura, hopelessly. 

"Probably, " said Mr. Fenelby. "But if they do we will end the wholething. "

"We can't send them away, " said Laura. "We couldn't be so rude asthat. "

"No, " said Mr. Fenelby, "but we will secede. You and I and Bobbertswill secede from the Union. I never believed in secession, Laura, but I see now that there are times when conditions become sointolerable that there is nothing else to do. We will give them achance to vote the tariff out of existence, and if they don't wewill just secede from the Commonwealth of Bobberts. We will have afree trade commonwealth of our own, and Kitty and Billy can do asthey please. "

"Tom, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "that is just what we will do!" And so itwas settled. 

By the time Kitty and Billy returned loiteringly from church Mr. Fenelby had progressed pretty well through four of the sixteensections of the Sunday paper, and Mrs. Fenelby had Bobberts washedand dressed and was in the kitchen preparing dinner, which on Sundaywas supposed to be at noon, but which, this Sunday, threatened tobe about two o'clock. Kitty threw off her hat and dropped herumbrella in the hall and rushed for the kitchen. Billy merelyglanced into the parlor, and seeing Tom holding the grim funny pageuncompromisingly before his face, strolled out to the hammock. 

"Laura, " cried Kitty, "you _must_ let me help you! And what do youthink? We met Doctor Stafford, and he _did_ prescribe whisky androck candy for Bridget's cold! So I fixed everything all right. Irushed Billy around to Bridget's sister's and Bridget is justgetting over her cold, so she was glad to come back to you. Shesays she never, never drinks except under her doctor's orders, andshe said that if you hadn't been so hasty--"

Mrs. Fenelby dropped the potato she was slicing. Her pretty mouthhardened. 

"Kitty!" she exclaimed. "Now I shall _never_ forgive you! I will_never_ have Bridget in this kitchen again! It wasn't only that shedrank, it was her awful, awful deceitfulness. It was that, Kitty, more than anything else. I _won't_ have people about me who will notlive up to the tariff poor dear Tom worked and worried to make!_You_ may smuggle, Kitty, if you must be so low, and I certainlyhave no control over Billy, but my servants must not break therules of this house. If that Bridget dares to put her head inside ofthis door I will send her about her business. "

"Laura, " said Kitty, "I wish you would be reasonable--like Billy andme. We talked it all over on the way to church, and we saw that itwas Tom's crazy old tariff that was making all the trouble anddriving Bridget away and everything, and we decided we would stopthe tariff right away. "

Laura's chin went into the air and her eyes flashed. 

"_You_ will stop the tariff!" she cried, turning red. "What righthave _you_ to stop anything in this house, Kitty? And it isn't acrazy tariff. It was a splendid idea, and no one but Tom would everhave thought of it, and it worked all right until you and Billybegan spoiling it!"

"But I thought you wanted it stopped, " said Kitty. 

"I don't!" exclaimed Laura, bursting into tears. "It is a nice, lovely tariff, and if I ever said I didn't want it, it was becauseyou aggravated me. I won't have it stopped. I won't be so mean toanything dear old Tom starts. It's Bobberts' tariff. You ought tothink more of Bobberts than to suggest such a thing, if you don'tlove me. "

Kitty stood back and looked at Laura as at some one possessed ofevil spirits. Then she turned to the table and took up the potatoknife and began slicing potatoes calmly. 

"Very well, Laura, " she said. "I tried to do what I thought youwould like, but if you want the tariff so badly I shall certainlynot oppose you. Hereafter, no matter what happens, Billy and I willvote for the tariff!"

"And Tom and I certainly will, " said Laura between sobs. "We don'tcare _who_ the tariff bothers, or _how_ much trouble it is. We arealways, always going to have a tariff--for ever and ever!"

When she told Mr. Fenelby this he was not as happy about it as mighthave been expected. He agreed that under the circumstances there wasnothing else to do; that the tariff must become a permanent fixture;but he did not say so joyfully. He had more the air of a Jobadmitting that a continued succession of boils was inevitable. Job, under those circumstances was probably as placid as could beexpected, but not hilarious, and neither was Mr. Fenelby. 

Dinner was as gloomy as breakfast had been. It developed into one ofthe plate-studying kind, with each of the four eating hastily andsilently. Even Bobberts was not cheerful. He did not "coo" as usual, but stared unsmilingly at the ceiling. Into such a condition does anation come when it suffers under a tax that is obnoxious, but whichit cannot and will not repeal. When a nation gets into thatcondition one State can hardly ask another State to pass the butter, and when it does ask, its parliamentary courtesy is somethingfrigidly polite. Suddenly Mrs. Fenelby looked up. 

"Tom, " she said, "there is somebody in the kitchen!"

Mr. Fenelby laid his fork softly on his plate and listened. Therewas no doubt of it. Someone was in the kitchen, gathering up thesilverware. Mr. Fenelby arose and went into the kitchen. Almostimmediately he returned. He returned because he either had to followBridget into the dining room or stay in the kitchen alone. 

"It's me, ma'am, " said Bridget. She planted herself before Mrs. Fenelby and placed her hands on her hips. Mrs. Fenelby arose. "I'vecome back, " said Bridget. 

"And you can go again, " said Mrs. Fenelby regally. "I do not wantyou, you can go!"

"Yes, ma'am, " said Bridget. "'Tis all th' same t' me--stay or go, ma'am, --but I'll be askin' ye t' pay me a month's wages, Mrs. Fenelby, if ye want me t' go. A month's wages or a month'snotice--that is th' law, ma'am. "

"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "I have not even hired you, yet!"

"No, ma'am, " said Bridget, "but th' young lady has. She hired mewith her own mouth, at me own sister Maggie's, who will be witnesst' it, an' I have been workin' in th' kitchen already. I've washedth' spoons. "

"The young lady, " said Mrs. Fenelby coldly, "has no right to hireservants for me. "

"And hasn't she, ma'am?" said Bridget angrily. "Let th' judge in th'court-house say if she has or hasn't! Don't try t' fool me, MissusFenelby, ma'am. I've worked here before, ma'am, an' I know all aboutth' Commonwealth way ye have of doin' things. Wan of ye has as gooda right t' vote me into a job as another has, Mrs. Fenelby, an' th'young lady an' th' young gintleman both asked me t' come. Even apoor ign'rant Irish girl has rights, Mrs. Fenelby, an' hired I was, t' worrk for th' Commonwealth. An' here I stay, without ye chooset' hand me me month's wages!"

Mrs. Fenelby looked appealingly at Tom, and Tom looked at Billy. 

"I think she'd win, if she took it to law, " said Billy. "You knowhow the judges are. And if she brought up the matter of theCommonwealth, you know you _did_ make Kitty and me full partakers init. "

"Tom, " said Mrs. Fenelby, "pay her a month's wages and let her go!"

Mr. Fenelby moved uneasily. He had put all his money into Bobberts'bank. In all the house there was not a month's wages except inBobberts' bank. Mr. Fenelby looked toward the bank. 

"Never!" said Billy. "_I_ put money into that, and so did Kitty. Itis for Bobberts, not for month's wages. I object. "

Mr. Fenelby looked away from the bank. He looked, helplessly, allaround the room, and ended by looking at Laura. 

"My dear, " he said, "I think we had better keep Bridget. "

"I think ye had!" said Bridget. "For there ain't no way t' git ridof me. I'm here, ma'am, an' I don't bear no ill will. I forgive yeall, an' I'm willin' t' let by-gones be by-gones, excipt one or twothings, which ye will have t' change. "

"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. Bridget shrugged her shoulders. 

"Have it yer own way, ma'am, " she said. "I am not one that woulddictate t' th' lady of th' house. I am no dictator, ma'am, an' Idon't wish t' be, but here I am an' here I stay, an' 'tis no faultof mine if some things riles me temper and makes me act as Ishouldn't. I'm one that likes things t' be peaceful, ma'am, for noone knows how much row a girrl can make in th' house better 'n thanI does, especially when she's hired by th' month an' can't be fired. I can't forget one Mrs. Grasset I worked for, ma'am, an' her thatmiserable an' cryin' all th' time, just because I had one of me badtimper spells. I should hate t' have one of thim here, Mrs. Fenelby. "

"Well, " said Mr. Fenelby, controlling his righteous indignation asbest he could, "what is it you want?"

"I want no more of thim tariff doin's!" said Bridget firmly. "Thimtariff doin's is more than mortal mind can stand, Mr. Fenelby, sir!Nawthin' I ever had t' do with in anny of me places riled me up likethim tariff doin's, an' we will have no more tariff in th' house, _if_ ye please, sir. "

"Well, of all the impert--" began Mr. Fenelby angrily, but Mrs. Fenelby put her hand on his arm and quieted him. 

"Tom, " she said, "please be careful! You do not have to spend yourdays with Bridget, and I do! Don't be rash. Send her into thekitchen until we talk it over. "

Bridget went, willingly. She gathered an armful of dishes, and wentinto her throne-room, bearing her head high. She felt that she wasmaster and she was. 

"Now, this Commonwealth--" began Mr. Fenelby, when the kitchen doorhad closed, but Billy stopped him. 

"Stop being foolish, Tom, " he said. "What Commonwealth are youtalking about? This is not a Commonwealth--this is an unlimiteddictatorship, and Bridget is sole dictator! Wake up; don't you knowa _coup d'état_ when you see one? Can't you tell a usurper bysight?"

Mr. Fenelby looked moodily at the kitchen door. 

"That is what it is, " said Billy decidedly. "The dictator hassmashed your republic under her iron heel; your laws are all backnumbers--if she wants any laws, she will let you know. I know thesigns. When a Great One rises up in the midst of a Republic and putsher hands on her hips and says 'What are you going to do about it?'and there _isn't_ anything to do about it, you have a dictator, andall that you can do is knuckle down and be good. "

There was a minute's silence. The Commonwealth was dying hard. 

"I could shake the money out of Bobberts' bank, " said Mr. Fenelby, but even as he said it Bobberts wailed. His voice arose clear andstrong in protest against that or against something else. Thekitchen door swung open and the Dictator ran in and approached theHeir, and Bobberts held out his arms. 

"Bless th' darlin', " said Bridget, cuddling him in her arms, butMrs. Fenelby frowned. 

"Give him to me, " she said sternly, and Bridget turned to her. Andthen, in the eyes of all the Commonwealth, Bobberts turned his backon his own mother and clung to the Dictator! Clung, and squealed, until the danger of separation was over. 

"You see!" said Billy, triumphantly. 

Mrs. Fenelby sighed. The Dictator had won. The tariff was dead. 

"And in our house, " said Kitty, cheerfully, "we won't have anytariff, will we, Billy?"

"Your house!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, forgetting all about theDictator in the new interest, and brightening into herself again. 

"Our house, " said Kitty proudly. "Mine and Billy's. "

"Our house, " echoed Billy, blushing. "We can't stand a Dictator, andwe are going to secede and--and have a United State of our own. "

 * * * * *

"Isn't it splendid about Kitty and Billy?" said Mrs. Fenelby thatevening to Tom, as they bent over Bobberts' crib. "And if it hadn'tbeen for our tariff driving them together I don't believe it wouldever have happened. "

"It's fine!" said Mr. Fenelby. "Fine! And that other set of EugeneField will do for a wedding present!"

 THE END

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

Minor changes have been made to correct typesetters' errors;otherwise, every effort has been made to remain true to the author'swords and intent.