THE

BOOK OF ANECDOTES, AND

BUDGET OF FUN;

CONTAINING

A COLLECTION OF OVER

ONE THOUSAND

OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS ANDHUMORISTS. 

PHILADELPHIA:GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER, NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET. 1860. 

Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, byG. G. EVANSin the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District ofPennsylvania. 

PREFACE. 

NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of thehuman system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable andimportant sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes hasbeen made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not toinquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it werereally funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the testquestion. If the answer was "Yes, " then it was accepted. If "No, " thenit was rejected. 

Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, ofcourse, out of the question. 

BOOK OF ANECDOTES, AND

BUDGET OF FUN

LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN. 

THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which hislordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachmanfor certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons. The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind ofcharacter can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, anycharacter your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfullyreceive. " His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"Thebearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity ofcoachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged himbecause he cheated me. "--(Signed) "MANSFIELD. " John thanked hislordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship wasgoing through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, aman, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise herecognized his late coachman. "Why, John, " says his lordship, "you seemto have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with thecharacter I gave you?" "Oh! my lord, " says John, "it was an exceedinggood character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my newmaster, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me asan able driver and a sober man. 'These, ' says he, 'are just thequalities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds hedischarged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah, ' says he, 'I'ma Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_. '"

A DISCLAIMER. 

GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard ofit, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is yourname?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his longname. "Why, " said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name. ""I should presume not, Sire, " replied the general, "as he was _norelation of mine_. "

A CONSIDERATE DARKIE. 

"CÆSAR, " said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin thebranches. " The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressedfor a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and falldown an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket. Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls andkills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?"

OCULAR DEMONSTRATION. 

MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. E. _, a teacher ofvocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house ofa simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil ofMr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave arather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thoughtEnoch had any ear for music. 

"Wa'al, " said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just takethe candle and see?"

A SUFFICIENT REASON. 

THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermonsand indolent habits. "How is it, " said a man to his neighbour, "Parson----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why, "said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy tostop. "

INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS. 

"BRING in the oysters I told you to open, " said the head of a householdgrowing impatient. "There they are, " replied the Irish cook proudly. "Ittook me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all thenasty insides into the strate. "

YANKEE THRIFT. 

QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissoluteisland, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to theinhabitants. "

SAFE MAN. 

A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricioushunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for, " said he, "the lastone died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense. "

"Ah! your honour, " said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Thenyou'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niverdied in the employ of any master I iver sarved. "

A PAIR OF HUSBANDS. 

A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr. Husband to the lady of his choice:

"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's ahusband, and so is the wife. "

ART CRITICISM. 

AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regardingwith much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Lutherat the Diet of Worms. " Having descanted at some length upon its merits, the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are theworms?"

CUTTING A SWELL. 

"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busilyengaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, beingasked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued hisamusement without further interruption. 

TALLEYRAND. 

TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letterof condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the ladyhad married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, madame!"

THAT'S NOTHING. 

A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously:"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive hewould be one hundred and fifty years old. "

LARGE POCKET-BOOK. 

THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by acoroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his deathby a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find uponthe body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers. "

DEGRADATION. 

WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over. "It isn't the accident, " said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing, but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad. "

DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL. 

A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his earsso far back, that he can't hear himself squeal. 

DR. PARR. 

DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, inLincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolleddown his cheeks. 

One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal, "Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he mighthave been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman;he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican, but he might have been an apostate. "

GOOD. 

DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary themonotony of the proceedings:

Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as onewould wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counselfor the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, andan ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:

"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell adifferent story?"

"A different story from what I have told, sir?"

"That is what I mean. "

"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different storyfrom what I have told, but they couldn't. "

"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are. "

"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them. "

The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators, indulged in a hearty laugh. 

I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN. 

THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was runningfor Congress. 

It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never beento the wars, " and it was his practice to tell the people of thehardships he had endured. Says he:

"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whipthe British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with noother covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozenground, till every footstep was marked with blood. "

Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns, " who had become very muchaffected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wipingthe tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, andinterrupting him, says:

"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"

"Yes, sir, I did. "

"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozenground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"

"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker. 

"Well, then, " says the tearful "sovereign, " as he gave a sigh of painfulemotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for yourcountry, and I'll vote for the other man!"

THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE. 

TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop. 

DECLINING AN OFFICE. 

"BEN, " said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declinedthe office of Alderman?"

"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?"

"O, no. "

"What then? Nominated?"

"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an activepart; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making upthe list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would notnominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend tothe duties?"

"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"

"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing. "

GOOD WITNESSES. 

AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told thebench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, inbehalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for hehad had no opportunity to communicate with them!"

TALLEYRAND'S WIT. 

"AH! I feel the torments of hell, " said a person, whose life had beensupposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquirysuggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is, however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to havemade a similar exclamation on a like occasion. 

A FIGHTING FOWL. 

DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wildanimals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended theexhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening ColonelCrockett attended. 

"I had just got in, " said he; "the house was very much crowded, and thefirst thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintanceasked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was lookingat them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw somewater on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills themthings; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I willkill every varmint you've got in the caravan. ' While I and he weretalking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the Americanlion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turnhim out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and thezebra may kick occasionally, during the fight. ' This created some fun;and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding apony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don'tthat monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No, ' said I, 'but I'll tell you whoit does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio. 'There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turninground, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in aright awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had eitherslandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell mewhich, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the nextmorning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came tome and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you. 'Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I amchallenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes, ' said he. 'Then tell him, ' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows. '"

ELEPHANT. 

WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him somehandsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that hehad returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) anannouncement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what couldthey possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent. "

"THE LAST WAR. "

MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part ofhis career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one inwhich the colonies were lost, called it "the last war. " Several memberscried out, "The last war but one. " He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The lastwar but one--the last war but one. " "I mean, sir, " said Mr. Pitt, turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish to remember. " Whereupon the cry wasinstantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud. 

KISSES. 

WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cutsyour acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the ladof their own choice. " When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as highas a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catchan Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you knowI'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tributepaid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_, however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lordof their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosenlove, " beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever. The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with averse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain theywon't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady withthe following:--

 I'd freely give whole years of bliss, To gather from thy lips one kiss. 

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediatelyreturned:--

 Young men present these to their favourite Miss, And think by such means to entrap her; But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss, The right kind hain't got any wrapper. 

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be givingthe _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls, more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must becareful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unlessyou be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust. When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody elsebut you, I'd make a fuss about it. "

AMERICAN WONDERS. 

"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours, " observed old Tom. "How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just notime; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze tocome up with her. " "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom. "Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind allthe way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaulme. " "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?"replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playingbefore the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing ather. " "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, Icut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side, and tail part on the other. " "But don't they join together again whenthey meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder, " replied theAmerican Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a prettyconsiderable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the otherside in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anythingabout it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and themen below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks. " "Afterthat round turn, you may belay, " cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don'tlet's have a stopper over all, Tom, " replied his father. "I consider allthis excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fastin the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess. " "Whatsort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses, I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot, beat a N. W. Gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig upAlabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we arepassing through?' 'Stranger, ' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but themile-stones we are passing so slick. ' But I once had a horse, who, Iexpect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightningchase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn'tcatch him. "

NO HARM. 

"MOTHER, " said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm inbreaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?""Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with theyolk. "

TAKEN DOWN A PEG. 

AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, stepped up to him and inquired:

"How much do you ax for thim houses?"

"What do you ask me that for?"

"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye, " replied theIrishman. 

DUTCH MARRIAGE. 

AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of thepeace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He firstsaid to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you loveshdis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes, " answered theman. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any manyou have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes, " sheanswered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you aremarrit; I pronounce you man and vife. " The man asked the justice whatwas to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if itvill do you any good. "

SAVE THE MATERIAL. 

A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to aneighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a madeTom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough thatI thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy. "

BE DISCREET. 

IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with hertender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoiningroom, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will notbe missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, little boys. 

TRAVELER'S TALE. 

A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and hisservant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observedthat there was no great matter in it--"for, " said he, "we ran, and theyran after us. "

AN OPINION. 

A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passingby, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir, " said he, "but Ipresume it's the gentleman in the coffin. "

GARRICK. 

A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representationof a borough in parliament. "No, my lord, " said the actor, "I wouldrather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a foolin parliament. "

JONATHAN'S LAST. 

THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so oldthat they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alivewho can remember it for them. 

METAPHYSICS. 

A SCOTCH blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explainedit as follows:--"When the party who listens disna ken what the party whospeaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he meanshimsel'--that is metaphysics. "

FORENSIC ELOQUENCE. 

THE _Wheeling Gazette_ gives the following, as an extract from therecent address of a barrister "out west, " to a jury:--"The law expresslydeclares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that whereno doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetchhim in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of myclient, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him, and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, andreflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. Butif, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set atnought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitchesof conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; andmy injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one ofthese dark nights, _as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_. "

A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY. 

"WILL you never learn, my dear, the difference between real andexchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had beenlucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Ohyes, my dear, I think I begin to see. " "Indeed!" responded the lady. "Yes, " replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deeplearning, and all your other virtues. That's your _real_ value. But Iknow, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me. That's your _exchangeable_ value. 

COULDN'T UNDERSTAND. 

"AH, Pat, Pat, " said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin intowhose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet--"I'm afraidyou'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?"

"Sure, and I don't know ma'am, " replied Pat. 

"Thought you might have remembered that. "

"Why, ma'am?"

"Because it has a dot over the top of it. "

"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck. "

"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I. "

"You, ma'am?"

"No! no! not U but I. "

"Not I, but you, ma'am--how's that?"

"Not U, but I, blockhead!"

"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I butyou are a blockhead?"

"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage. 

"Just as you please, " quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead--it's nomatter, so long as yer free to own it!"

GREAT CALF. 

AT a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculouslyconspicuous, at last broke forth--"Call these ere prize cattle? Why, they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised thebiggest calf of any man round our parts. "

"I don't doubt it, " remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest. "

GO IN AND WIN. 

"MA, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said abeautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day. 

"What put that notion into your head, Sally?"

"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting. "

"Pray, what is it?"

"A 'Westchester Farmer, ' I hope he will be a good looking one!"

NOT HERE. 

A CORRESPONDENT from Northampton, Mass. , is responsible for thefollowing:--"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our postoffice, the other day, and enquired if _The Friend of Virtue_ had come. "No, " replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for along time. "

GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS. 

THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr. Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not calledupon me for your account?"

"Oh, " said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money. "

"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"

"Why, " replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he isnot a gentleman, and then I ask him. "

CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND. 

I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had beenwitnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was therewith his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening toput his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which heimmediately seized. "My friend, " said he to the owner of the strangehand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last. ""O Mr. Fox, " was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have beendriven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children arestarving at home. " Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into thehand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox wasproceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watchis gone!" "Yes, " answered General F. , "I know it is; I saw your friendtake it. " "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?""Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other, that I did not choose to interfere. "--_Rogers' Table-talk. _

MINISTERIAL DRINKING. 

STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the KentRoad, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Nextmorning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said toStothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes, " he replied;"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas. " "Well, sir, how muchwine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could notguess. --"Seven bottles, sir. "

PARR AND ERSKINE. 

DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of theirtime. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with theconversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though hisjunior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph. " "Dr. Parr, " replied thenoble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide. "

SENATORIAL PECULIARITY. 

A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to theSpeaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr. Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_. " Precisely the samecomplaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts, against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defendedhimself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing histobacco_. "

FAMILY FLEAS. 

WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by hislandlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of whichsome of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimouslast night, they might have pushed me out of bed. " "Fleas!" exclaimedBoniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had asingle one in the house. " "I don't believe you have, " retorted hislordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families. "

PULPIT PLEASANTRY. 

ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thusaddressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I amgoing to say to you?" "No, " responded the congregation. "Well, then, "said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you. " And he came down fromthe pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation, "Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "Weknow, " replied the audience. "Ah, as you know, " said he, quitting thepulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next hecame to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when heasked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us donot know. " "Very well, " said he, "let those who know, tell those who donot know. "--_Turkish Jest-book. _

AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND. 

THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, anddeclared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn'tdo it, " shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Proveit, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing. "

BRUMMELL. 

"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the lateMr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort, "answered the astonished and indignant epicure. 

BATHOS. 

SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, anHonourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellorof the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from acourse only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on mycountry--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy andrevolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and tocause _a fall in the price of butter in Waterford_. "

DANGEROUS VISITS. 

A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of provingthe correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether thedoctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger?"No, " replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as longas the doctor continued his visits!"

NONSENSE. 

BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot. "

CONCEIT. 

I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the mostentertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow withouthim. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longerin comin' out. _--_Sam Slick's Wise Saws. _

KISSING BY PROXY. 

ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usuallykissed the bride at weddings. 

"Always, " was the reply. 

"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the nextquestion. 

"In all such cases, " replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing isappointed to the deacons!"

A BARGAIN. 

"I RECKON I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said agenuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of acertain merchant in St. Louis. 

"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't, " was the sneeringreply. 

"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozenginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'emfor two dollars. "

"I tell you I don't want any of your strops--so you may as well be goingalong. "

"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if youmake me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!"

"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of abystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum. 

"Now, " said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops. "

"They're yourn, " said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes. 

"But, " said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparenthonesty, "I'll trade back. "

The merchant's countenance brightened. 

"You are not so bad a chap, after all, " said he. "Here are yourstrops--give me the money. "

"There it is, " said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passedover the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, thenext time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little betterthan buy razer strops. "

And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst theshouts of the laughing crowd. 

CONUNDRUMS. 

WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is atall fellow and the other not at all. 

Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he's taken forbetter or worse. 

Why is a person asking questions the strangest of allindividuals?--Because he's the querist. 

Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin. "

Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signshimself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters. 

READY REPLY. 

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir, did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No, " was the response, "but I've seen arope walk. "

A YANKEE PRAYER. 

IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man, of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets, "who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. Ithappened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expectedto die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival, he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. Theminister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"OLord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because arattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John;send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send thebiggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing butrattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance. "

CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE. 

COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr. Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "Theprompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him. "

PRESENCE OF MIND. 

I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger_to have presence of mind_. " "I had rather, " she rejoined, "_haveabsence of body_. "--_Rogers' Table-talk. _

GLORY WITHOUT DANGER. 

A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in theexpedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, andthereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by hisfriends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he hadcut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have beenmore honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you mustknow his head was cut off before. "

LORD CHESTERFIELD. 

WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was LordChesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter. "

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "theylooked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid. "

UNANIMITY. 

A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant that they may hang together. " A country fellowstanding by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner thebetter--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people. " "But, friends, " said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but praythey may all hang together in accord and concord. " "No matter whatcord, " replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one. "

SIMPLICITY. 

THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in hisdiocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does yourofficiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation andcarriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingfordreplied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage. "

PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY. 

A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools inBoston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On thedismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to hisfather--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day, trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box. " In an ecstasy ofpatriotism the gentleman contributed. 

SHERIDAN. 

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House ofCommons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During thedebate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wishedto play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where, " exclaimedhe, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or amore knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesomemember. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the promptinformation, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. 

THE WAY TO WIN A KISS. 

THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As thecoach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the lawapproached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near thefire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss. ""Friend, " said she, "thee must not do it. " "Oh! by heavens, I will!"replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may doit; but thee must not make a practice of it. "

A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT. 

IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, "I think, Mr. F. , this veal is not quite so white as usual. " "Put onyour _glove_, madam, " replied the dealer, "and you will thinkdifferently. " It may be needless to remark, that the veal was orderedhome without another word of objection. 

DRUNKENNESS. 

A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again, Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunkagain. " "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk, " replied Sambo. 

CAN'T BE BEAT. 

A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone asthe evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobodycan bait. "

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS. [*]

_Paris, December 10th, 1823. _

MY DEAR MR. BULL, --Having often heard travelers lament not having putdown what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determinedwhile I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containingthe cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred tome--therefore I begin with my departure from London. 

Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded overWestminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never passWhitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the HorseGuards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my earswhenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to seewhat o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It isquite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of thetown, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and itscurious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was calledWilliam Roofus. 

Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's_ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built, Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). Inthis ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called becausethey are exhibited _nightly_ during the season. 

The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it washere we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who haspromised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead ofhimself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, becausehis friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is avery respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian nameonly in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate. Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St. George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those greatInstitutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the_Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim thegratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham, I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand uponthe declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to besuperseded by _Serampores_. 

When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity ofnoticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and theman is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying, that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths beinga kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of themistake. N. B. --Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantlyresides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distancethe Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars likeanything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. Atthe inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered withflowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When wegot to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold_collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dearhusband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_, but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one. 

As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewedme a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_, but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me theLines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes dryingon them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being avery witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books. 

At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkablebuildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the churchis most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he_perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old_Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches andpowder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do Ithink it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeenmiles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my poor husband wasextremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, avery nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice, I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park. It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner waspreparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went tolook at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one haswhen upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the waterhere, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, Isuppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owlnext morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see thecastle, --which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, Iconclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The mansaid moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which Itold him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, Ishould write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexanderthe _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as wewere going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, andthe ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked atLavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins'poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as ifeverybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poorgentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near RatcliffHighway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into aboat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for theseason, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia aboutall the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which Idid not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. Never offered to talk in thatway on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as Iimagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat ofvery considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, anddid not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolledabout--however I felt quite mal-á-propos--and instead of exciting any ofthe soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held thehandle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I soughthis arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I_ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I everbeheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in alibrary, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before theycan be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laidme perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said thatwas my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was soill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiablemiddle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on hiswife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be foundamong the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went offI heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they calledout to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire whatthe poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did notsee his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hopeit was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quiteshocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate thenobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight ofEngland and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swearfirst at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made myvery blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; butLavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding herfeelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ ofmy stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended indifferent books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops atbreakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cupsof coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, somepotted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass ofwarm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we gotinto the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to thepacket, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter tokeep everything snug and comfortable. 

Adieu, Yours truly, DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM. 

[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook. 

VERY BUSY. 

SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied, "Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow. "

JOHN BULL. 

THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and moneywhen they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates. In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the dayof the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and thecountersign of three or four respectable householders. After theseaffecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to thekindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_SydneySmith. _

YANKEE INGENUITY. 

IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though mostof them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in agineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore ofbusiness there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon ashe gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it, and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Upsteps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars forsmokin' agin law, in the streets. " Sassy was as quick as wink on him. "Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'. " "O, my!" says constable, "howyou talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's verylike the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?""No, " says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your owneyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trustmine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it wasbecause I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don'tconvene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of ouralmighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself, and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn'tsmokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and seeif it aint so. It han't got no fire in it. " Well, constable takes thecigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes thesmoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. HighSheriff's representative, " says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; doyou underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; hewas finely bit. "Stranger, " says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canadyline, " says Sassy. "Well, " says he, "you're a credit to your broughtensup. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let'sliquor, " and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. Itwas generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don'tthink it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick. _

COMFORTABLE. 

THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two orthree hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying:"When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often. " It was SirHercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have youfinished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira. "

HORNE TOOKE. 

WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his fatherwas?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant. " (He was a poulterer. )

He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed thenatural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk bymy levity. "

To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to therich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern. "

He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say theirprayers--backwards. 

LAMB AND ERSKINE. 

COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of hisreputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usuallyprefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on oneoccasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remarkthat "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older. " "Nowonder, " replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knowsthe older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes. "

THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE. 

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us ofthe Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:--"We arecome, " said he, "for your good--for _all_ your _goods_. " "A universalprinciple, " added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most othertruths, only told by mistake. "--_Ethel Churchill. _

TALLEYRAND'S WIT. 

TALLEYRAND being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long sinceknown, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a littletiresome?" "Not at all, " said he, "she was perfectly tiresome. "

A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy ofhis mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length--hehimself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under themarriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who maynot have been very well favoured, " was Talleyrand's remark, which atonce released the circle from the subject. 

When Madame de Staël published her celebrated novel of _Delphine_, shewas supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, andM. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principalcharacters. "They tell me, " said he, the first time he met her, "that weare both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women. "

Rulhières, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution, having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life. " "Andwhen will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply. 

"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially whenthey amuse themselves, " was the reply. 

"She is insupportable, " said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of onewell known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something ofwhat he had said, he added, "it is her only defect. "

BUSSING. 

BUSS--to kiss. Re-bus--to kiss again. Blunder-buss--two girls kissingeach other. Omni-bus--to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter--ageneral kisser. _E pluri_-bus _unum_--a thousand kisses in one. 

WANTED. 

"YOU want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unrulyson. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it, " replied thebrat. 

NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES. 

The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, ashaving occurred to himself. 

AT the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city ofChichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, togetherwith his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, whenthe Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put severalquestions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short ofthe glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that _every one_ of us hassinned?" The boy hesitated--but upon a repetition of the question, thelad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting onthe front form. " The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw aschool girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he thereforeheld up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to_signs_ from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare themeaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, wasan exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, theytherefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Churchexclaimed in an exulting tone, "_perpendicular_, " to the astonishmentand consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear, of not a few of the congregation. 

MRS. PARTINGTON. 

"SO there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous, " said Mrs. Partington, as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning latherrunning down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire. "

AN HIBERNIAN M. P. 

A VERY laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irishmember, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed byloud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already, he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a secondspeech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, whenseeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not theslightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, heobserved, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue, "If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, theyare quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I hadnothing more to say on the subject. " The house was convulsed withlaughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit ofthe Hibernian M. P. --_Random Recollections of the Lords andCommons. --New Series. _

MODESTY. 

THERE is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every nightbefore retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man inthe moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who wouldnot allow the _Christian Observer_ to remain in her room over night. 

AMERICAN TOAST. 

"THE ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule withoutlaws--judge without jury--decide without appeal, and are never in thewrong. "

PASSING A COUNTERFEIT. 

DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was acounterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story toSmithers, when the latter said:

"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?"

"Why, what have I done?"

"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such, " saidSmithers, without a smile, and fled. 

LORD CHESTERFIELD. 

LORD Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I amnot so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson. "

A PENNY. 

A GOOD woman called on Dr. B---- one day in a great deal of trouble, andcomplained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam, " said theDoctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply. "Then it will pass, of course, " rejoined the facetious physician. 

JOHNSON. 

A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata onthe pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to thephilosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "Nomadam, " replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is theleast disagreeable. "

CLEVER LAMPOON. 

UPON Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whompeople of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy, nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if weunderstand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found amongher papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo, probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in therebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed _Feckie_ and _Fed_. 

 "Here lies Prince Fed, Gone down among the dead. Had it been his father, We had much rather; Had it been his mother, Better than any other; Had it been his sister, Few would have miss'd her; Had it been the whole generation, Ten times better for the nation; But since 'tis only Fed, There's no more to be said. "

IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES. 

A GOOD story is told of a "country gentleman, " who, for the first time, heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracyand pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if thepeople were "stuck up. " "Pshaw! no, " replied he, "why the ministerpreached in his shirt-sleeves. "

A MORMON PREACHER. 

THE _Boston Herald_, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormonpreacher, says:--"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached, baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a starengagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled upall his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strangemortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We closethis article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor, for strongly criticising his performance of _Richard III_. The office ofthe editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adamsarmed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, theunsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him, exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall givethee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keeptally. " So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with heartygood will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around theavenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let theman go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my nameis Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I havechastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at theProvidence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortalcreations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, andwill, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on theimmortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to thequestion 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you. --Amen!"

JOHN KEMBLE. 

JOHN KEMBLE was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine. He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from thePriory, (Lord Abercorn's, ) where they had dined; and as they werewaiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of thetoll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no _change_;and, least of all, such _change_ as he would bring us. "

A SURPRISE. 

A GREEN 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through thehatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressedhis surprise--"Well, if the darned thing aint holler. "

QUEER DUEL. 

AN Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight aduel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, ofcourse) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. TheEnglishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired upthe chimney, and brought down--the Frenchman, who had taken refugethere. 

LAWYERS. 

"A LAWYER, " said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learnedgentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps ithimself. "

A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX. "

SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made nowfor three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myselfcapable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or youshall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I wouldwell tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in themanners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairsgeneral of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, beingreceived in many families, so as I can to speak your language now withso much facility as the French. 

I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but, since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become anobject of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedianseven before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew, who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well, never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since insome parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel andmix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat forfun, what he bring at his theatre. 

Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in thepaque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garçonat the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but, very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that itwas impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and toadvertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall conversewith the gentleman and not with the badinstructs. 

But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in thepublic rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks ofthe Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well inLondon for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that Iwas force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed. So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, andhire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone, because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all theworld is ignorant. 

The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far asDouvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady ofthe sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic ofwood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn. It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They useit for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place;and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very muchpleased with the invention so novel. 

Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I lookat the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and beginto chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel aboutand about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques, " but I not understand oneword the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was"_box_ the compass. " I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, nevermind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in thehotel, but as there has been no _table d'hôte_, I ask for some dinner, and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customaryhouse, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, orexcisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in myequipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters, who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the worldwhat pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir, " he say, "your dinneris ready. " "Very well, " I make response, "where was it?" "This way, Sir, " he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _café_ room. " "Well, never mind, " I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a strangercountry, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari. _' Keep the eyesopen and stare at nothing at all. "

I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come fromFrance; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and tableparticular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good solefritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was putin another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know himtwice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_. " Very well. Itake a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with awheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at Londonwith the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, Iask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up alltogether in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded, that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothingto all but "Yes, " for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings thelittle _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I wasput into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for somespectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as thetheatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but theman what set to have the money, when I say, "How much, " asked me if Iwould not go into the _boxes_. "Very well, " I say, "never mind--ohyes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, samething. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then tocomprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had beento give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned toswallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well, " I say, "thatmust be egregious. It is cannot be possible, " but they bring a little_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me veryridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibilitylearn a language what meant so many differents in one word. 

I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, didyou not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" Ireplied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because Ishall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabrioletsin your coaches. " "Sir, " he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, Iwould recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall telleverything. " "Very well, " I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because Ithink myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come tosend me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write tosome friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire, but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish. " She was prettylaughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, theporter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend toit yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet. "Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes. " But, when she is gone, I lookdirect into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of theother _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing. 

Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, anddream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_, what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage. 

In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, andI walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing whatthey can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business wasput into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, whoshowed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at awindow--"There see, there was the letter-_box_, " and I perceive acrevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day, " I say, and give my letterto the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I verysoon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then comethe coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he saywas--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capotewith many scrapes. 

"But--never mind, " I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time. " So hekick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into thecountry in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what Ihave had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I takecourage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheelscry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;"then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the_boxes_ what is too tight. " But it is very long time after as I learnthat wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle. 

Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; thencome a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire whatit should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name, but it is what we call a snug country _box_. "

Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that heamused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shallsee. " And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in aforest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand ofhim--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of LordKillfot's. " "Oh!" I cry at last out, " that is little too strong;" but hehoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house ofcountry, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and Idemand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir, " he tell me. "Devil isin the _box_, " I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see. " So Imyself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take verypolite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ ofyours, Sir. "

"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then hepull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home tobe sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride withinferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour ofyellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name ofthe wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir. "--Well, I hold myself withpatience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till wecome at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so largeconcourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_match--a battle here to-day. " "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued. "

Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demanda morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demandwhy so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, butvery civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, and one has given another a _box_ on the ear. "

Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all thewomen ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well, " I tell myself oncemore, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable andagreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then comeone another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachmansay--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and madesome traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a longexplication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finishnot till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in onenarrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'lltell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, Ishan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_. " It wasnot for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning. 

Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from myseat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very politedemanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very littletime in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he isreal gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger. " Then he veryhonestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir, because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City thisnight; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall findsome good attentions if you make the use of my name. " "Very well, " Itell myself, "this is best. " So we exchange the cards, and I havehackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--verysorry--no room. " But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the cardwhat I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with thedarkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become verypolite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and thesecome at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthygentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Prayinlight yourself, and walk in my house. " So I go in, and find myselfvery proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber;and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh?But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting, and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go atEdinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes, " because Ihave not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speakthere twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I readthree time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though Idiscern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost"visible, " as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of thepoetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he nothear me no more--he pronounce me perfect. 

After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you foranother, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correctidiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none atall--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic. 

I have the honour of subscribe myself, Your much obedient servant, LOUIS LE CHEMINANT. 

P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershirefor the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he comeand demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, togive what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas_Boxes_. --_Blackwood's Magazine. _

ABSURDITIES. 

TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty. --To losemoney at play, and then fly into a passion about it. --To ask thepublisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week. --To aska wine merchant how old his wine is. --To make yourself generallydisagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gainsome palpable advantage by it. --To get drunk, and complain the nextmorning of a headache. --To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonderthat you are ragged. --To sit shivering in the cold because you won'thave a fire till November. --To suppose that reviewers generally readmore than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn. --To judgeof people's piety by their attendance at church. --To keep your clerks onmiserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you. --Not to go to bedwhen you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time. "--To makeyour servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because theytell lies for themselves. --To tell your own secrets, and believe otherpeople will keep them. --To render a man a service voluntarily, andexpect him to be grateful for it. --To expect to make people honest byhardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without themeans of getting work. --To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price isasked for it. --To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes toan hospital. --To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain ofits being a thief. --To degrade human nature in the hope of improvingit. --To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether itdid not once belong to somebody else. --To expect that your tradespeoplewill give you long credit if they generally see you in shabbyclothes. --To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of. 

GOOD REASON. 

AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em. "

PUTTING DOWN A LADY. 

AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, andthus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sitdown. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "Ithink, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of herstockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. " This had the desiredeffect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standingby, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say whatwas not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if shehad not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know howshe gets them on. "

WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 

MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put thequestion, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

A COMPROMISE. 

A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of astore, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer. The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and afterusing all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll payyou for them, and _lick me besides_. " This appeal was too much for thegrocer to stand out against. 

ELECTION MORALS. 

AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recentcontest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it wasimpossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh, "said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go fornothing. " "If that is the case, " rejoined the elector, "I promise you myvote at once. "--_Galignani's Messenger. _

A QUANDARY. 

THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with botharms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers. "We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of thething as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studiedtheological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but thatmatter and form would be given him, without any particular preparationon his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung andprayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on oneleg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, andthen on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came tohis relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just comeup here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot. _

ELEGANT EXTRACT. 

A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making"elegant extracts. "

EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY. 

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:--

_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet. 

_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years. 

_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands. 

_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet. --_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_!Did I say sixteen _feet_?

_Counsel_: You did. --_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it wassixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself!

THE CAPE COD YANKEE. 

A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:

"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery storedeown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right overopposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher oflasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneakingnotion arter Patience, for some time, ) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow wouldyou like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herselfrite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased thepitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all overher, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lavarunning deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighedthree hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throweanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arterawhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, thatis, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spelland a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whoopingcough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. Theother one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickreltook to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than ahalf a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolatewider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, justtell them that I'm thar myself. "

JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE. 

A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar'swife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash notschleepy_. "

SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY. 

A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collectiontaken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among otherthings, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passedround a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_. "

DEFINITIONS. 

A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, thedifference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear, "replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be_exported_, and I should be _transported_. "

CHANCERY. 

EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man andthe boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boaconstrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowlyin the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a greatestate_. --_Sydney Smith. _

SMART UNS. 

FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, youdunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and whydoes it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_rise. " "Out, you booby!"

MRS. PARTINGTON. 

MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man adebt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infusesto incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea. "

TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW. 

TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal ofmoney; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a goodattorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury;8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise manshould hesitate before going to law. 

ERROR CORRECTED. 

THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeatedthe assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the mostdistinguished for generosity and the love of their species. Thecollection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said thathe had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression shouldhave been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_. 

A QUERY. 

WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you caneasily catch cold. 

BACKGAMMON. 

TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game ofbackgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him. "

TALLEYRAND AGAIN. 

MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, wasremarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personalinterests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and theright time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his mostintimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out whatinterest Semonville had to serve by dying just now. "

AN EVENING PARTY. 

A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of thoseparties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning againstthe chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, asneither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we hadbest go home. "

SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN. 

"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin'room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes. 'Man alive, ' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin'an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, mygunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree withyou; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucywas there'--'Get out, ' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and justfasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned roundher back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in theother; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see sucha neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast andshoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, andthe complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that everwas seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, Icouldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam, 'says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why, ' says I, 'Lucy, dear, myfingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little thingsas fast as you can. ' 'Well, come, ' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, andfastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I mustsay, Lucy. ' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticutto show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat ofit in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State, too, ' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along withyou. '"--_Sam Slick. _

A GREAT CALF. 

SIR William B. , being at a parish meeting, made some proposals whichwere objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir, " says he to thefarmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at twocolleges at each university?" "Well, sir, " said the farmer, "what ofthat? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew. "--_Flowers of Anecdote. _

TAXATION. 

THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates ofEurope seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and tohave studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers'ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that allthe world should be taxed. "--_C. C. Colton. _

AN ITINERANT MARTYR. 

"JIM, " said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that youleft the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr. " "How, "replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a policeofficer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, and as the public didn't, you left. "

SEE--SAW. 

"NOGGS, Jr, " speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever_saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_. "

FELLOW-FEELING. 

A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. AnIrishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"

MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS. 

THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often veryludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, goodbye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmersonce entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he askedif he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked themeaning of the uncouth word "kippered, " and was told that it meant"preserved. " The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered apetition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to theFree Church of Scotland. "

WHAT IS A SPOON?

A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissingthem. This is like the definition of a "muff, " viz. , a thing which holdsa lady's hand without squeezing it. 

A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE. 

"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eightyears. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married tohim?" "In course it does. " "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, yourhonor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy. " Verdict for the plaintiff. 

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. 

ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject bythe way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill. "Hill, " said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of anaccident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire ofLondon, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that youare younger than you are. "

TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION. 

SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleadingbefore Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chancedunfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instantin my own person: I myself have two little manors. " The judgeimmediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all knowit, Sir Fletcher. "

A YANKEE STORY. 

AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankeetraveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train, " inEngland. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. Itsuggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion apeg or two. " "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "Weare approaching a town, " said the Englishman; "they have to commenceringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the trainwould run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? Isuppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes, " repliedthe Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. Werun so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. Nouse whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the traingets by. " "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact, " said the Yankee;"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn'tanswer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We weregoing at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to holdmy hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five milesahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper. It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I waspicking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of thelocomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying besideme. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oathsthat I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poorfellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we triedlights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got someso powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we cameby, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of itstill, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. Theinhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so muchlight in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphsalong the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was insight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightningfifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; therest I know to be so. "--_New York Tribune. _

ANCIENT DESCENT. 

NOT long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond ofboasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who, he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you notknow that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And, mayhap, " retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found minehere when they comed. " The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it. 

BAD'S THE BEST. 

MR. CANNING was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked thesermon he had preached before him. 

"Why, it was a short sermon, " quoth Canning. "Oh, yes, " said thepreacher; "you know I avoid being tedious. " "Ah, but, " replied Canning, "you _were_ tedious. "

QUEER DUELS. 

A CERTAIN man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from ayoung gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointedplace. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasurerushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested thathe could not lift his arm "_against his own flesh and blood_!" The younggentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon hismother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man ofpleasure had foreseen) no duel took place. 

HUMPHREY HOWARTH, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearancein the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, whoasked him what he meant. "I know, " said H. , "that if any part of theclothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues;and therefore I have met you thus. " His antagonist declared, thatfighting with a man _in puris naturalibus_, would be quite ridiculous;and accordingly they parted, without further discussion. 

LORD ALVANLEY, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, andbrought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My lord, I only took you to ----. " Alvanley interrupted him, "Myfriend, the guinea is _for bringing me back_, not for taking me out. "

PROVOKING. 

TO kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps. 

TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH. 

MY friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before hequitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at thecountry. " I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we wereaccustomed to say "going into the country. " He thanked me for thiscorrection and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I willknock _into your_ door, on my return. "--_Memorials. _

PHILOSOPHY. 

_Experimental_ philosophy--asking a man to lend you money. _Moral_philosophy--refusing to do it. 

INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. 

SYDNEY SMITH, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the_Edinburgh_, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievementis matched by the disposal of a work in the _Courier and Enquirer_, asfollows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the bookitself:--

"_The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia. _ A Tale by SAMUELJOHNSON, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo. , pp. 206. New York: C. S. FRANCIS & CO. 

"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue witheagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform thepromises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will besupplied by the morrow; attend to the history of _Rasselas_, Prince ofAbyssinia. "

CURIOUS CONVEYANCE. 

SUTTON was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke ofLancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M. Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:--

 "I, John of Gaunt, Do give and do grant, Unto Roger Burgoyne, And the heirs of his loin, Both Sutton and Potton, Until the world's rotten. "

SMOKING MANNERS. 

A KENTUCKIAN visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, hedrank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to theannoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for histroublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and whenit was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. Whenit had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servantwho had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerabletroublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'mhung if I don't spit in it. "

LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH. 

MR. LANDSEER, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev. Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canonbiblically replied--"Is thy servant a dog that he should do thisthing?"

SPECKLED BUTTER. 

"DO you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer, who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Bostonmerchant. 

"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer. 

"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only twochurnings. "

"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant. 

"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question ifyou'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than thebutter is. "

A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER. 

THE post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one. There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, andthe passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them, properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequentlysubjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department toanimated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. Weheard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. On Capt. Cobb'strain on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost. A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with twotrunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage masterpromptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge oftwenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, andlosing his temper, peremptorily asked:--

"Will you check my baggage, sir?"

"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George. 

"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler. 

"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?"

"Certainly--it is baggage, " positively returned the passenger. 

"Well, " said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulationsnothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddleis your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, justallow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of theroad without any extra charge whatever. "

The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat. --_BristolNews. _

A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE. 

NOTHING vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, andto find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is thematter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind, recorded of an eminent English surgeon. 

He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slightwound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said:

"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!"

"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't runthere like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possiblyget back. "

A CONSTELLATION. 

THE following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and anaspirant for Thespian honors:

"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager. 

"An engagement at your theatre, " said the applicant. 

"But you stammer. "

"Like Hatterton. "

"You are very small. "

"Like Kean. "

"You speak monotonously. "

"Like Macready. "

"And through the nose. "

"Like Booth. "

"And you make faces. "

"Like Burton. "

"You have badly shaped legs. "

"Like Wallack. "

"And brawny arms. "

"Like Forrest. "

"An obese person. "

"Like Blake. "

"But you unite the defects of all these stars. "

"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all. "

INTEREST. 

"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire. "Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed akiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interestafter we were married. "

FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP. 

ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curiousspecimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray, wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn'tafraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, wheneverchance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed thataunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected. One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him indisgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered toherself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted herattention. 

"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side. 

"To get rid of you. "

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"No, you are worse than a burdock bur. "

"You won't get rid of me neither. "

"I won't! eh?"

"Only in one way. "

"And what?"

"Marry me!"

"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?"

"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry. "

"Well, no, then. "

"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again. "

"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!"

"Yes or no?"

"I must consult"--

"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye. "

"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, Ibelieve the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'llconsider. "

"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting forme. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye. "

"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I diefor it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!"

AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT. 

AT the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an actionfor damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judgesuggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she wouldtake to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in abob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head atthe counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hardo' hearing. " "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked thecounsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the oldlady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly, " the ancient dame answeredstoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warmale. " (Roars of laughter. )--_English Paper. _

BAD DINNER. 

THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed thateverything was sour but the vinegar. 

PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN. 

SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than areset down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer. 

A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, isapproached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:

"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"

"Rest and refreshments, " replied the printer. 

"Super and lotchin, I reckon?"

"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please. "

"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?"

"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler. "

"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?"

"No, sir. "

"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hanklespetter tan to make te shoes?"

"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes. "

"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat youvish, shoost to get rid of you?"

"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent. "

"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag, and running off mit my daughter?"

"No sir, I am no tooth-puller. "

"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?"

"No, I am no phrenologist. "

"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall havete pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout acent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning. "

"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preservesall arts--a typographer at your service. "

"Votch dat?"

"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers. "

"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vatprintish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers!I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrictschoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vashim!"

TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION. 

A NEW ORLEANS lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding heridolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for thechildren, as "none of them were his. "

TELLING ONE'S AGE. 

A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am nearthirty. " Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fretat it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch everyday. "

ALL FLESH IS DUST. 

"MAMMA, " said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if allpeople are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?"

TALLEYRAND. 

AT a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, agentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were goingon. "Why, as you see, Sir, " was the reply. 

KITCHINER AND COLMAN. 

THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivans_ of the day graced thedinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, _inter alios_, the lateGeorge Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of alittle monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused tobe placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never beforgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldompermitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go ateleven. " Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor'sattention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, "Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claretwas punished accordingly. 

CREDIT. 

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley'sdescription of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying histradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescenceon the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment ofdebts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, because it shows that the party once had credit. 

SWIFT. 

IN the reign of King William, it happened that the king had eitherchosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Nonrapui, sed recepi, "--"I did not steal it, but received it, " alluding tohis being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swiftby one of the court emissaries. "And what, " said he to the Dean, "do youthink the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese, "said the Dean. "No, " said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi. '""Aye, " said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '_Thereceiver is as bad as the thief. _'"

ALL CORNED. 

A SHOWMAN giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind. , was offered by oneman a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying thatall the members of his company had been corned for the last week. 

THE SEWING MACHINE. 

"WHAT do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman ofhis friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh, " replied the punster, "Iconsider it a capital make shift. "

POLITENESS. 

AN Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed overhis head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "Yousee, " said he, "that a man never loses by politeness. "

GEORGE SELWYN. 

GEORGE SELWYN, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; henever missed _being in at a death_ at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (thefather of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, hewas informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called toinquire for him. "On his next visit, " said Lord Holland, "be sure youlet him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shallhave great pleasure in seeing _him_; and if I am a corpse, _he will havegreat pleasure in seeing me_. "

CHANCERY PUN. 

LORD ELDON (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, _Lord Erskine_, that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyageof discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, whathimself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas. "On _the Seals_, to be sure, " replied Parry. "And a very good living, too, " said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"--_Twiss'sLife of Lord Eldon. _

KILTS. 

I SHALL be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't gotno woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tearyour clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; theydon't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can'tafford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that willgrow agin, and trousers won't. --_Sam Slick. _

LORD ELLENBOROUGH. 

LORD ELLENBOROUGH had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, hesaid that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, inconsequence of it, to lay down--his pocket-handkerchief. 

A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, theexpression, "my unfortunate client, " Lord Ellenborough suddenlyinterrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you. "

EVIDENCE. 

THE following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning thestone "_as big as a piece of chalk_. " "Were you traveling on the nightthis affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir. " "What kind ofweather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that Icould not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though. " "How dark wasit?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full. ""Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare itto anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of blackcats. "

AN UP AND DOWN REPLY. 

DURING the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in ahouse, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness, who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran upstairs, but the other way they ran down stairs. " The learned counselwinked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling. 

SNORING. 

A WESTERN statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped allnight at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number ofstrangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. Theblack boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him:

"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to mewho snores so dreadfully. "

"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on theprice, I'll try what I can do. "

By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was nowto be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said:

"My friend, [he knew who he was, ] you're talking in your sleep, andexposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director, ] youhad better be careful. "

He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night. 

TANNING. 

"DADDY, " said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't ourschoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all thelickings he gives to the boys?"

"I don't know, my son, " replied the parent, "but why do you ask me sucha question?"

"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. Has tanned three thousand hides at hisestablishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes hastanned our hides more'n twice that many times--the editor ought to knowit. "

A PRINTER IN COURT. 

A SUIT came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was awitness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between twomen named Brown and Henderson. 

"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?"

"Yes, sir. "

"Well, what have you to say about it?"

"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time. "

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson puta period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute. "

The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fiftydollars. 

TAKING THE PAPER. 

"SIR, " said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor, "do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it, "replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers havebeen complaining lately about their papers being missing in themorning. "

IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE. 

IT is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured sopowerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, thatseveral of his audience went home and burned their cigars--holding oneend of them in their mouths. 

HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER. 

A SHORT time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y. , whose namewe shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and someof his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather aloose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about_delirium tremens_, directing all their remarks to him, and telling himwhat fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by thevictims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed highon this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from atrap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of hisfriends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victimseized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the pieceof furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, whenhis friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces, demanded to know what was the matter. 

"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to theanimal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round theroom, close to the walls. 

They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it--"_there was norat_. "

"But there _is_!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in anineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin. 

At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threwhim down on the floor, and with terror screamed--

"Charley! run for a doctor!"

Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "whatthe devil was up. "

"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on hiselbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?"

"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor. "

"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?"

"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

"The _delirium tremens_--have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I'vegot the delirium tremens?"

"Easy enough, " says Charley; "you've commenced _seeing rats_. "

"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Thinkyou must be mistaken, Charley. "

"Mistaken!" said Charley. 

"Yes, mistaken, " rejoined George. "_I ain't the man--I haven't seen norat!_"

The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn'ttouched a glass of liquor, and "_seen no rats_"--not the first rat. 

BISHOP BURNET. 

BISHOP BURNET, once preaching before Charles II. , was much warmed by hissubject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, withgreat vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loudvoice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith, " observed the king, in a tone notquite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of thatgreat fist of yours. "

ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE. "

MERCER mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (inParis, ) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for thepurpose of making a _procès verbal_ of his death, it was resisted by thesuite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which theanswer of the police was, that _Un ambassadeur dès qu'il est mort, rentre dans la vie privée. _--"An ambassador, when dead, returns toprivate life. " Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; theRancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a curé (I forget in whatpart of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the Englishwomen wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. Answered, that "in thenorth of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainlynot about London. "

WE talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and shementioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anythinghaving been previously said that could lead to the subject, called outsuddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epictone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awfulexpectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why Ipublished the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show theworld my own opinion of it. "

BUSHE told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means, to give entertainments to the militia, &c. , in his neighborhood; andwhen a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of givingclaret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, heanswered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret ontick, and where the devil would I get credit for the _lemons_?" Douglasmentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went ona tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write tohim whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy, he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is avery high mountain, and bullocks bear no price. " Lady Susan and herdaughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. AFrench writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention toparticulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words, "Hail, hail, all hail!"--_Grêle, grêle, toute grêle. _

MET Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rathera pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in thesuburbs of beauty, but never enter the town. " Company at Lord Holland's, Allen, Henry Fox, the _black_ Fox, (attached to the embassy, ) Denon, and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning. Lord Holland told, before dinner, (_a propos_ of something, ) of a manwho professed to have studied "Euclid, " all through, and upon some onesaying to him, "Well, solve me that problem, " answered, "Oh, I neverlooked at the cuts. "

AFTER Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies, " somebodysaid, "Everything that's national, is delightful. " "Except the NationalDebt, ma'am, " says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to thepiano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. Intalking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said hesupposed a drunkard had a _barrel_ organ. 

DINED at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, andTrimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon. Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them verygood. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes, with him. "That I will, " says the other; "and it's rather odd it shouldbe exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, _barring thebeef_. " Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he wasgiving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it, " was answered;"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it. " Denon told ananecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by aperson whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, andfound the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat. When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice isbroken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day. "--"Mostwillingly. " "Name your day, then. "--"_Aujourd'hui par example_, "answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of anattorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place betweentwo persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you, sir, that a compromise has _broken out_ between the parties. "

CATCHUP QUESTION. 

A PERSON meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrellaover him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, _like a madmushroom_?"

A REBUKE. 

A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assuredGeneral Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then, " saidOld Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't lookback. "

A GENTLEMAN. 

"THERE can be no doubt, " said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman, and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman, although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may beeccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why heshouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was DanielLambert, who was also a fat man; _he_ was proud of his legs. So was MissBiffin: she was--no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I thinkshe had only toes, but the principle is the same. "--_Dickens. _

MODESTY. 

THERE is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not"embrace an opportunity. " He would make a good mate for the lady whofainted when she heard of the naked truth. 

NATIONAL PARADOXES. 

SOMEBODY once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when heis miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; andthe Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting. 

A DUTCH JURY. 

JUDGE JONES, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to passhim, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman ina case in which L----and B---- were employed as counsel. The former wasan illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes ofexpression:

The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of aperson to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimedhim as his own. The Dutchman objected. 

"I can't understant goot Englese. "

"What did he say?" asked the judge. 

"I can't understant goot Englese, " he repeated. 

"Take your seat, " cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse. You are not likely to hear any of it!"

Under that decision he took his seat. 

A YELLOW FEVER JOKE. 

THE _Mobile Advertiser_, of the 19th ult. , tells the following goodstory of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-backDick. " Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the upriver boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of eachpassenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at lengthfastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance andmanner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. Hewas evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which wererife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hourfrom yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpetsack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid uponhis shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met thecold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill ofterror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily forabout a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated:

"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!"

With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do ascommanded. 

"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do, " and taking from hispocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from thesole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefullynoted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of thestranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and againnoted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face andsaid:

"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able tofinish it for you before morning. "

"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm. 

"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, andthe people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demandfor coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will beto-morrow morning--say about 9 o'clock. "

"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!"

"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see itin your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain--a slight pain--inyour back. "

"Y-yes, I believe I h-have, " replied the trembling hoosier. 

"Exactly, " said Dick, "and in your limbs too?"

"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of myneck and head. "

"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead ina short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat, swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover upwith blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here likelightning!"

Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions tothe letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man inMobile, who gave him such good advice. 

LET OFF. 

"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster. 

"Yes, master. "

"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?"

"Why, let me off!"

COMPLIMENTARY. 

A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that hehad never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed, said, "Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly. "

"You, madam, " he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only youhave fallen on your nose. "

KEEN RETORT. 

A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fedthan taught. " "Shud think I was, " replied the clodhopper, "as I feedsmyself and you teaches me. "

THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME. 

AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--meanas dirt--and I feel at home in this company. "

SACKS AND BAGS. 

MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word atthe battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal. 

"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat, " said the Colonel. 

"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?"

"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass. 

Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl, "Bags, yer honor. "

ITERATION. 

A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as toher reason for leaving. 

"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her, " said thegirl. 

"Well, " said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it'sover. "

"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again. "

QUID PRO QUO. 

IN a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had avery red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, beingdesirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he wassworn, "Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose. "

"Why, Sir, " said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange mycopper nose for your brazen face. "

HARD SQUEEZING. 

A GENTLEMAN from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose ofcollecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when hefound that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. Hislandlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but addedthat if it _was_ collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, thendunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" ofthe man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, who showed him the account. 

"Wall, Squire, " said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I _know_that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker HillMonument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But _any_ how, Squire, what'llyou give, sposin' I _do_ try?"

"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you--yes, I'llgive you half, if you'll collect it. "

"'Greed, " replied the collector, "there's no harm in _tryin'_, anyway. "

Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walkingup Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend. 

"Look o' here, " said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that billo' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for thefirst week or so 'twant no use--not a bit. If he was home, he was short;if he _wasn't_ home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by, ' says I, after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on thedoor-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly_next_ day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in. ' _He paid me_ MY _half, and I gin him up the note!_"

PAT'S RESPONSE. 

AN Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Willyou take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes, your riverence, and the _niggers_ too, " said Pat. 

WANTED SATISFACTION. 

"WELL, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No, but I wish he had. " "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, thevillain!"

MEAN _vs. _ MEANS. 

"IS Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton, referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be, "drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town. "

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE. 

ARTER we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus aterrible commoshun in our house--old wimmin a runnin in an out, andfinally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin toheer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman, as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar Iwas a walkin' about and ses:

Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal. "

"What, " ses I. 

"A gal, " ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin. 

Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin'mitely--I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feelneerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur theSporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'tywell. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses, Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy. "

"Anuther, " ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller. "

She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no jokesure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years. 

Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in, and ses, Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum. "

"Anuther whot, " ses I. 

"Anuther gal, " ses she. 

"Well, " ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don'twant 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or aMormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?--three at apop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'nJacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe anfeed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it nohow, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'emnow, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal?Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin'segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar?Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then forher to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. Ididn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole ahorse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me inthis way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, anthe more I tho't about it, the wus I felt. 

Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses, Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got. "

"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, Iluv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this ascaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef awoman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' tobegin to do it, " ses I. 

With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun ofme, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told herI'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, theupshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me togo into the room whar they all wus. 

When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her littlehands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgoteverything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art likea precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too andforty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, anall the ballance follered. _Them thribbles noed their daddy. _

Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin;an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred forthem thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn'thave a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wunhas the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, anso it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'emquiet. 

GENEROUS CHILD. 

_Mother_--Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it. 

_Doctor_--Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me. 

_Tommy_--(who has "been there")--Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all tothe Doctor!

ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE. 

"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't wantit I'm sure. "

HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER. 

A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visitingour county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She wouldask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It wentoff well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen ofhumanity, whom she asked:

"What are you in here for?"

"For stealing a horse. "

"Are you not sorry for it?"

"Yes. "

"Won't you try and do better next time?"

"_Yes! I'll steal two. _"

DUTCH SOLILOQUY. 

A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes ShonMickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as Ihas!"

JUST ALIKE. 

A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box. After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways, he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth. 

"T-th-this-p-pep-per box, " he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "isso-something like myself. "

"Why?" asked a neighbor. 

"P-poor-poor delivery, " he replied. 

STORY OF A WIG. 

LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. Saidthat she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had noobjections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes, which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day'sjourney, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck hisfeet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was abandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, andout went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinkingthat the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinarychance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously calledout, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side. Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, LordEllenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in thecourt-house. "Now, " said he, "where's my wig, --where _is_ my wig?" "MyLord, " replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriagewindow. "

A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS. 

SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on theCulloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highlandwarrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy, Kenmuir, now, " said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on hisdeath-bed. "Well, if I must, I must, " replied the Chieftain, "but mycurse be on you, Donald, " turning towards his son, "if you forgivehim. "

CABBAGE AND DITTO. 

WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for ourlaughter loving readers:

"Oh! I love you like anything, " said a young countryman to hissweetheart, warmly pressing her hand. 

"Ditto, " said she gently returning his pressure. 

The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorelypuzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to exposehis ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day beingat work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out:

"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?"

"Why, " said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?"

"Yes, daddy. "

"Well, that ere's ditto. "

"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "shecalled me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see heragain. "

FLAG AT HALF-MAST. 

AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls woretheir dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty. 

LONGFELLOW. 

SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and bestrong, " a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation ofthe old English adage, "Grin, and bear it. "

A SORREL SHEEP. 

SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature forestablishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers hadmade long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, fromMonroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House asfollows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that adistinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is whatthe bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit theplace exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost himtwenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, andread the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sickwoman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then, turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?''Why, no, I never heard of such a thing. ' Said the doctor, nodding hishead knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes, ' said the man, 'I drove him to the mill this morning. ' 'Well, ' said the doctor, 'hemust be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife. 'The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired ifsomething else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundreddollars, and was all the one he had. 'No, ' said the doctor, 'the booksays so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good forfevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir. ' 'Why, doctor, ' saidthe man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--''Well, I know what I am about, ' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the waywe doctors read it, and we understand it. ' "Now, " continued thespeaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can beone of the professors, I must vote against this bill. " The blow mosteffectually killed the bill, it is needless to state. 

EDITORIALS. 

A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highlyrespected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whomhe was on bad terms. "I wish, " said he, addressing the man with the pen, "that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in yourpaper. " "Very well, " was the reply. After some more conversation thevisitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, ina violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I havehad my nose pulled and been kicked twice. " "I wrote a severe article, asyou desired, " calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name toit. "--_Harrisburgh Telegraph. _

COMPENSATION. 

A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst ofhay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave:"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but afterall, poor Tom was a great eater. "

JUST RIGHT. 

"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there?Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else. "

FUNNY MISTAKE. 

LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, withLord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, LadyMelville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, whocould talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive LordSeaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady, taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: LordGuilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation inthis manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Herfemale friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to thisdumb man. " "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ weredumb. "--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and hesaid that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his eveningentertainments; but I know not if he ever did. --_Rogers' Table-talk. _

FILIAL AFFECTION. 

"IF ever I wanted anything of my father, " said Sam, "I always asked forit in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me, I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through nothaving it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir. "--_Dickens. _

DEFINITE INFORMATION. 

"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as muchas I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_. "--_DetroitSpectator. _

FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH. 

Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hôtel du Rhin_, atBoulogne. 

"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the départure, of every convoyof the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour. 

Table d'hôte at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock. 

Bathing place horses and walking carriage. 

Interpreter attached to the hôtel. Great and little apartments withsaloon for family. 

This établissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre ofthe town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the posthorses offer to the travellers all the comfortable désirable and isproprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed theconfidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him. "

(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed inthe card. )

ADMIRAL DUNCAN. 

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his ship forinstructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was bothlaconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching;I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire. "

TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST. 

POOR Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicateallusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:--"May theman who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (_lickher_. )"--_Bentley's Miscellany. _

KICKING A YANKEE. 

A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of acomfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a timeto recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our"unprincipled and immolating administration. "

Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for, from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things, tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, betweena real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod onthe toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out ofthe cabin" the latter. 

"You'll kick me out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!"

"You'll kick _me_, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick _you_, Mr. Hitchcock!"

"Well, I guess, " said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectlysatisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger ofassault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tellabout old Bradly and my mare to hum?"

"No, Sir, nor do I wish--"

"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generallybest to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of thosesanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit everySabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep iton till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, heallers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation--and thedarned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil--thecrucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roanmare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and openany door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times Ifound her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'verysorry--an unruly animal--would watch'--and a hull lot of such things;all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deaconFarrar's on sacrament day. 

"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his oldroan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable aboutbed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and rideoff. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and hadsome shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed onher hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took herhum--gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of thestable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a goodsmoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal, and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning. 

"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wantedto know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Goto sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate--she's kicking off flies, Iguess. ' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, duget up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she iskicking most powerfully. '

"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess. '

"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cumto the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the oldroan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did, mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, JoeDavis cum down to my house, and says he--

"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead--she's cut all to pieces, and canscarcely move. '

"'I want to know, ' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?'

"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we weretalking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he, "'My old mare is ruined!'

"'Du tell!' says I. 

"'She is all cut to pieces, ' says he; 'do you know whether she was inyour stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?'

"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I _know_ it?'--(the Yankee here, in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were. ) 'Do Iknow it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl, you!--you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin, whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reducedthe thing to a science!'"

The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in hisastonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter beingaccelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former tosuit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall, "tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of hispants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning himon all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seendragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story onthe boiler deck. --_St. Louis Reveille. _

DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF. 

TWO unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York duringthe ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs madetheir appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety. 

"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one _sotto voce_. 

"Well, Mary?"

"It ain't nice--I don't like it. "

"Hush. "

"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such aplace. "

"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you. "

After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said:

"Oh, Annie, let's go--it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable. "

"Do hush, Mary, " replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, thoughit wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at atheatre, and I suppose it will be the last, _so I am just going to stayit out, if they dance every rag off their backs_!"

DISINTERESTED ADVICE. 

"HUSBAND, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe. " "Well, mydear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to. "

AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE. 

A BACHELOR editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of abride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives theresult of his experience. 

"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as aninfant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The Godof dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never wasa little editor so happy. It was 'my love, ' 'dearest, ' 'sweetest, 'ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken offhere. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to havepudding for dinner just to please her lord. 

"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding momentarrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate beforeus. 

"'My dear, ' said we fondly, 'did you make this?'

"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?'

"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life. '

"'Plum pudding, ducky, ' suggested my wife. 

"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em. '

"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightlycurled with contempt. 

"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, toknow bread pudding, my love, by all means. '

"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to makeas bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. Isay this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed withexcitement. 

"'My love, my sweet, my dear love, ' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not getangry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding. '

"'You mean, low wretch, ' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone, 'you know it's plum pudding. '

"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that thedevil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly andemphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that. '

"'It is plum pudding, ' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claretin my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose. 

"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roastedchicken by the left leg. 

"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception offeeling two plates smashed across my head. 

"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand andflying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom. 

"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dishtook us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plateof beets landed upon our white vest. 

"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the souptureen, and falling beneath its contents. 

"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, shedetermined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with nogentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plumpudding!' she shrieked with every dish. 

"'Bread pudding, ' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply. Then it was 'plum pudding, ' in rapid succession, the last cry growingfeebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to awhisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendouscrash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, andcommenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thussaved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's themoral. "

PAT QUERY. 

A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why, "exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin'out?"

FRIENDLY VISITS. 

A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends invisiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, andstayed six months each time. 

REMOTE. 

"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of thelaw. "

"A fig for your banister, " retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose, "haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?"

A CAT STORY. 

A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house, erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union, when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gatheredaround the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on. 

"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in. "

"A committee meets to-day! What for?"

"Well, " continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, gotmad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats. Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!"

"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?"

"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin'them up yonder, " pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as apyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing butcats, cats!"

"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?"

"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them, but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up thecats and--"

"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?"

"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to saywhether they'll move the skule house or the cats. "

The old gentleman evaporated immediately. 

CONUNDRUMS. 

IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of thealphabet would he name?--_Answer. _ Let-her B. 

WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans. _ A cock _robbing_ (robin). 

WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans. _--A wind thatblows _fowl_ and then _chops_. 

WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans. _ When the hedges are_shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out. 

IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans. _ In violet (inviolate). 

WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his islandinhabited?--_Ans. _ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a littlecove. 

WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans. _ _Maid_ of Orleans. 

WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans. _ Because itruns into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_). 

WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans. _ The great _swell_ ofthe ocean. 

WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans. _ Because he wassometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. 

LOVE. 

A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal oflying. --_Jonathan. _

THE THIEF AND THE DUKE. 

THE great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, afterhaving inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow, with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have nowbeen in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend, " replied theDuke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited. " "Verylike, " replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest. "

LOSS OF TIME. 

A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam, "replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, considerthe loss of time. " "Yes, " replied the fair penitent, "I have oftenbegrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_. "

UNEXPECTED REPLY. 

A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "Ihave called Noah, " after twice repeating his text, made a long pause;when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer, exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else. "

GENEROUS. 

"I WILL save you a thousand pounds, " said a young buck to an oldgentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her tenthousand pounds as her portion. " "I do. " "Sir, I will take her with ninethousand. "

FRIENDLY BANTER. 

FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. Whenseen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that hisbetter half had taken the good one). "What!" said the banteringbachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?"The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know. "

TAKING A RECEIPT. 

THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story:

"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on MikeSweeney. "

"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honorwill give me the resate. "

"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not becalled upon a second time for your fine. "

"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I getthe resate. "

"What do you want to do with it?"

"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you. "

"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"

"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying, and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say, 'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone, ' and he'll say, 'Whatdo you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in, ' and he'll say, 'Did youbehave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines andsuch things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness, ' and then he'll want tosee the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resateand give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell tofind your honor to get one. "

KIND FATHER. 

AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize overa daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice, he don't care who she loves. 

DESTROYING THE ROMANCE. 

A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into avillage church, and during the service was electrified and gratified bythe sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. Afterthe service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the churchalone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, hisheart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied sheevinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, andshe actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but wewill permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way:

"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart issuperior to the bonds of custom. 

"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, andturned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached thespot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as ifdoing reverence to an angel. 

"'Are you a peddler?'

"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation. '

"'Well, I don't know, ' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing mevery sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that youlooked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me threeweeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother Johnhas got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neckfor him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal afterall!'"

DOING A YANKEE. 

SIR ALLEN MCNAB was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would haveit, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. Inthe morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companionmaking thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Havingcompleted his examination, he proceeded coolly to select thetooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth anenergetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan hadconcluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soapedone foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to histoes and toe-nails. 

"You dirty fellow, " exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischiefare you doing that for?"

"Oh, " said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with. "

DROVERS _vs. _ FOPS. 

DINNER was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World, and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among thepassengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature ofthe genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids ofirreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-likequizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his headaside with, "Waitah!"

"Sah!"

"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable, wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah. "

While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western droverhad listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutivecreature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a forcethat made every dish bounce, and then thundered out:

"Here you darned ace-of-spades!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!"

"Sah!"

"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me downwith brickbats while I feed!"

The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and thewhole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar. 

STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER. 

DAVID DITSON was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs andwonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter withwhich those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was hiscustom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to theweather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus hewould say, 'About--this--time--look--out--for--a--change--of--weather;and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would makevery sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretoldwould come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a veryremarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, hewas riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, andbeing on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how farit was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside andinquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it wassix miles; "but, " he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wetjacket before you reach it. "

"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going torain, do you?"

"No, I don't _think_ so, I know so, " replied the farmer; "and the longeryou sit there, the more likely you are to get wet. "

David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue skyuncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half thedistance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of thosesudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. Therewas no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rainwas soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must havesome way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. Iwill ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day'swork to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's fieldagain, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him veryrespectfully:

"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how youwere able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?"

"Ah, " said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!"

"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I willwillingly give you five dollars for your rule. "

The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say:

"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, andhe is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it'sgoing to rain, ' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather, ' welook out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day_Very pleasant_, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night. That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'otherway. "

The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example ofa fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of hisprophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwisesayings, leaving every man to guess for himself. 

HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK. 

THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story aYankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania. But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?'asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of asecond-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board andlodging?' 'Five dollars. ' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'poseyou'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?''Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each. ' Here the conversationended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During thistime, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take eitherdinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion ofthe town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to thebar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a fewminutes. ' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at fivedollars--ten dollars. ' 'Here, stranger, ' said the Yankee, 'this iswrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absentfrom dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty centsthat's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!"

NEVER SAY DIE. 

"THE politicians have thrown me overboard, " said a disappointedpolitician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side. "

HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR. 

SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the nameof the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, forit's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the companyain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping, " saysyou. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadderwants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrowsare heavy enough for stucco, " says you, and other unmeaning terms likethese. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great. Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey littlemore nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house, hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it, walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'emamazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconsciouslike, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin'portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is anunprincipled man. " "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause, madam, he has not done you justice. "--_Sam Slick. _

BOOTS. 

"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society, "said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day. 

"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something toyour heirs. "--Exit codfish, rather huffy. 

SOUR KROUT. 

WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organizedinto a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were twocandidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in thatfertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum. 

Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but hepayed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various pointsand addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large andvery intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded thattheir vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. Tosecure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of thecampaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by hiscondescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression onthe entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves tocast their votes for him. 

Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office, hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determinedto counteract it if possible. To this end he started for theall-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after severalfruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan'svisit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinctthat:

"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promishtto vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans. "

"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did whenhe returned from visiting you?"

"No, vat vas it?"

"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water, that he might wash the sour krout off his hands. "

The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, eachcandidate made his appearance at the critical German polls. 

The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr. Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name ofColonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate, and indignantly asking:

"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?"

It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the nextCongress. 

CONFESSION. 

"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What doesc-h-a-i-r spell?"

"I don't know, marm. "

"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?"

"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell. "

"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it. "

"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed mebut twice. "

"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and shefainted. 

A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE. 

AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in hisyoung days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hayas fast as he could load it. 

The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trialcommenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably, calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!"

Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still hekept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the topof the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then toslide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it. 

"What are you down here for?" cried the boys. 

"I came down after hay, " answered the old man, stoutly. 

Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, whichhad to be pitched on again rather more deliberately. 

WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH. 

MR. DICKSON, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, arespectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred betweenthem respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church inthe place. 

"I believe you are connected with the church in ----street, Mr. Dickson, " said the customer. 

"So, Sah, not at all. "

"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"

"Not dis year, Sah. "

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permittedto ask. "

"Why, I tell you, Sah, " said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor onthe palm of his hand. 

"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib tendollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and depeepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good, and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr. Dickson. 

"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?"

"No; the razor goes very well. "

"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, anddidn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call meOld Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em. "

So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentlemandeparted, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left thechurch. 

FORESIGHT. 

A YOUNG lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to getmarried, for the reason that she has been told that in that country themen folks "rock the cradle. "

VICE VERSA. 

WHAT is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hogbutchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a killwith intent to salt. 

HUMAN NATURE. 

HERE, reader, is a little picture of _one_ kind of "human nature, " that, while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson notunworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canadain the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at aroadside inn called the "Lion Tavern, " where the contents of the stagecoach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerfulfire. 

Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shownits wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. Aftera few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked:

"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers. 

"No, Sir. "

"_Beautiful_ dog! _yours_, Sir?" addressing himself to a second. 

"_No!_" was the blunt reply. 

"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is _yours_, Sir?"

"No!" was again the reply. 

"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to YOU, I suppose, Sir?"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Then he is _yours_, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the sametime throwing the animal a cracker. 

"No, Sir, he is not!"

"Oh!" (_with a smile_) "he belongs to _you_, as a matter of course, then?" addressing the last passenger. 

"_Me!_ I wouldn't have him as a gift!"

"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that thehost gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidstthe roars of the company. 

There was _one_ honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimenwas a little "too sweet to be wholesome. "

JOHN KEMBLE. 

MOORE mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. Hewas performing one night at some country theatre, in one of hisfavourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by thesqualling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a _little_angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front ofthe stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said:

"Unless _the play_ is stopped, _the child_ can not possibly go on!"

The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of hismeaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he wascompelled to laugh with his auditors. 

CONFESSION. 

A PRIEST of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous, particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from thepulpit one Sunday:

"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will onMonday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday thegamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, andSaturday the libertines. "

Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins. 

A SLEEPY DEACON. 

THERE are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and withthese may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon. 

The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packingestablishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scaldingtrough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hogin!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press ofbusiness compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturdaynight found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sickthe next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member, and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. Hewent. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was inprogress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect. His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude ofone intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory:

 "Hark, they whisper; angels say--

"_Hog in!_" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. Theastonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He wenton, however, unmoved--

 "Sister spirit, come away. "

"_Hog out!_" shouted the deacon, "_tally four_. "

This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled, some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "splittheir sides, " laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher wasentirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a briefbenediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers. The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude, for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught theinfection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded anopportunity for them to say, "_Hog in!_" "_Hog out!_"

LOST IN A FOG. 

"SUPPOSE you are lost in a fog, " said Lord C---- to his noble relative, the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course, "replied her ladyship. 

NO MISTAKE. 

"YOU don't seem to know how to take me, " said a vulgar fellow to agentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do, " said the gentleman, taking himby the nose. 

RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES. 

ON a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles onthe side walk, to come in the house. 

"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go intothe back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday. "

"I will, " answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the backyard, mother?"

MAKING THE RESPONSES. 

AN ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to makehimself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, bymistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; sowhen the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this womanto be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone, "I renounce them all. " The astonished minister said, "I think you are afool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe. "

PERSONAL IDENTITY. 

AN ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature'sforming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame, " said he; "for when I wastwo months old, I was considered the handsomest child in theneighborhood, but my nurse one day _swapped_ me away for another boyjust to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking. "

IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM. 

MRS. PARTINGTON was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, inthe spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he wasbelaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples. 

"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened thedoor. 

He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training, " continued to pitch in. She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punchingits rotund sides. 

"That's the Morrissey touch, " said he, giving one side a dig; "andthat, " hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy. "

"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the lastblow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn'tgood, " said she, "and I think you had better train in some othercompany. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would bedilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't wantto, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor ladwith a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself. " Ike hadread the "_Herald_, " with all about "the great prize fight" in it, andhad become entirely carried away with it. 

GEORGE SELWYN. 

GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a largecompany, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which hehad witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, andone of them reproached him, saying, "How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?"

"Oh, " said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends forit; for I went to see it sewed on again. "

PROMPT REPLY. 

A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out:

"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On yourshoulders, Sir. "

DIVISION OF TIME. 

"MURPHY, " said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen, "you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you. ""Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then. " "How, Murphy?" "Why, faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure. "

A GROOM. 

A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and beblown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceitedconsequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best wayis to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. Ialways get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery goodeconomy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as itwill save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do, is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes, rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays, you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of largesize, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chapswhen they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have amouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the lossof the boy's services, during the time he is laid up. --_John Jorrock'sSporting Lectures. _

IN A QUIVER. 

A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keepsher beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver. 

SATISFACTORY ANSWERS. 

YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parryinginquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on histravels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "YankeePeddler. " In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stopat a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "PaulPry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waitingfor the ceremony of an introduction, said:

"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you aregoing to--?"

Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but thegentleman answered:

"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season. "

"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?"

"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there. "

"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is thereanything stirring in London?"

"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts. "

"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?"

"They say their prayers every Sunday. "

"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything newand fresh. "

"Yes; bread and herrings. "

"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?"

"Fools and clowns, " said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am inreality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is_Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!"

Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" ofthe most _obstinate_ kind. 

BARON ROTHSCHILD. 

THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, therichest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but"_ready_ money, " "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. Ona very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, onhis way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance"alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, anddemanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "redcent" of change. The driver was very wroth:

"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have_known_ that you had no money!"

"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there ismy card!"

The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before, "said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want myfare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have onlyan order for a million, " he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a"coupon" for fifty thousand francs. 

The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just thenan "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him thesix sous. 

The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turningto the Money-King, he said:

"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my ownaccount!"

MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA. 

ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures, " is wherethat amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse withloaning the family umbrella:

"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you todo? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thingabout _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look likeone o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our onlyumbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Doyou hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with sucha shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you?Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirringall the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle:_he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella!There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for sixweeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella!

"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow. They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; theyshall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and getwet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank forknowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to_be_ fathers. 

"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was goingout to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and youdid it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, andtake every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle. No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; andwhat's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that willgive me my death, " &c. , &c. , &c. 

FOLLOW YOUR NOSE. 

"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, iscrooked, and I have to follow it!"

LORENZO DOW. 

LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one ofthe most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took theliberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community, recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and animprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo, " heannounced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, heshould preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man. " Thepopulace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted hisappearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "Andthere was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short, and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shallnot mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has somerelatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation ofcharacter. " The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, andhe made the impression permanent by taking another text, and neveralluding to the subject again. 

SMART WAITER. 

THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguishedSouthern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet, " was formerlytold, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric JohnRandoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as itmay, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep. "

"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New Yorkhotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hôte_, had his mealsserved in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which theestablishment had deservedly become noted. 

"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited uponhim--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day toretire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman'schair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a fewminutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup. 

"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone. '

"'Excuse me, Sah, ' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se'sponsible for de silver_!'"

COULDN'T FIND IT OUT. 

MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been inby-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by theliteralness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr. Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling thehard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpsesof men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of anewspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the villagepaper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since, farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, whichhappened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editorhad described in a great many words. 

"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills, " saidMr. Slocum. 

"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?"

"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it. "

Mr. S. Began to read:

"_Horrible and Fatal Accident. _--It becomes our melancholy and painfulduty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at thelower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a humanbeing, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, asthe immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns. '"

"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S. 

"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of thecity, was superintending one of the large drums--"

"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printedon't, " said Mrs. Slocum. 

--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, andfinally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. Whenhis situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity, about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam adistinct blow at each revolution. "

"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!"

"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's armsand legs were macerated to a jelly. "

"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S. , with increasing interest. 

"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confusedmasses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternityhad opened upon him. "

Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized theopportunity to press the question. 

"Was the man killed?"

"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I'vefinished the piece. " And Mr. Slocum continued reading:

"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was nolonger tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark wasextinct. "

"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at, " said Mrs. Slocum. 

"Do have a little patience, old woman, " said Mr. Slocum, eyeing hisbetter half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it rightaway. " And he went on reading:

"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trustthat it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon toregulate the powerful machinery of our mills. "

"Now, " said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now, I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?"

Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized thearticle he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper. 

"I declare, wife, " said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don'tsay. "

CAUGHT ON A JURY. 

THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may bebeneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:

A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit ofgoing to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, andwould not return until he had time to "cool off, " which was generallytwo or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying outso long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When hewould return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had beenthe matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on thejury, and couldn't get off. 

Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, accordingto custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a realcorn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and anorder, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessaryarticle on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, allbuoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking. 

When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded totake the "stuff, " and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until theworld turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then hewent to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, andwhen Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that hewas unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as hisbewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point, " he startedwith an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mulehad gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "twoyear old hickory, " as he went on at the rate of two forty. 

Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the backdoor, with a decidedly guilty countenance. 

"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master. 

Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said:

"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn'tget off. "--_Nashville News. _

A CURE BY LAUGHTER. 

AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear ofthe loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to therector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought hisreverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order tocomfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, andproceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at eachtime gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives shelives. _" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributedto the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, therector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to thesincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more thanthe grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and afterconsiderable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to hischamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies hedies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fitof laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure. 

GOOD PRAYER. 

A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the followingquestion:

"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, andhe dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?"

"No, sir, " replied ----, "I pray for another like him. "

NON SUM QUALIS ERAM. 

A NOBLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultationwhere there was considerable difference of opinion between him and hisbrother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, andconcluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, gentlemen, is _my opinion_. " The peremptory tone with which this wasspoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when ayoung barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I haveoften had your opinion for five shillings. " Mr. Attorney with great goodhumour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value. "

ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. 

ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But, " said his royal highness, "I am devilishcold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water. " He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now, " said he, "I am comfortable, bring mysteak. " On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote thefollowing impromptu:

 "The Prince came in, said it was cold, Then put to his head the rummer; Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, When he pronounced it summer. "

CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. 

ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of herdaughters Eve_. 

GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE. 

AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebratethe victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, preparedunder the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universaladmiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle wherethe conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed thatnothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in WestminsterAbbey. 

"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded. "

"Why, General, " said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with thealteration of a single word. 

"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can beexceeded. "

A SOUND REASON. 

A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit?"Because, " answered he, "merit did not promote me. "

MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. 

AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of apatent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement;and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What, "exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamentedwith this?" "Aye, " observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said tosee your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?"

A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR. 

B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-caseexhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as hecalled it. 

"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B. 

"Well, no, " he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw therewas a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to thatway of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I wasgoing to be treated to the whole. "

"Where did you stop?" said B. , interrupting him. 

"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again. They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, andthen, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table. "

"What was there?" B. Ventured to inquire. 

"Well, " said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if fromfear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, aclean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse, " addedthe old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted. '_Vittles_, ' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'"

ECONOMY. 

"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awfulhole in your trowsers?"

"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman, " was the respectful reply, "our folks areeconomizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day. "

QUAKER _vs. _ QUAKER. 

OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself. 

An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, boughtsome goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing theriver on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usualwith him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle ofgoods and untied it to see what she had been buying. 

"Oh now, " says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?"taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, however, saying where she had got them. 

"Oh now, " says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so mucha yard, " mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "Youknow, " says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so hewent on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reachedBristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and whenthere the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked toexamine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, theprice he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill ofthe difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; thencoming up to him, she said, "Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the pricethee mentioned?"

"Oh now, yes, " says he. 

"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought thegoods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee canhave no objection to refund me the difference. "

Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's firstinquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?"instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?"

HEM _vs. _ HAW. 

MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. Thenext day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it wasvery amusing, " replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed. "

POETRY DONE TO ORDER. 

ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputationas a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rateepitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked whatwere the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in allthings, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could dofaster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted. " Greenwrote immediately--

 "Here lies the body of John Cole: His master loved him like his soul; He could rake hay; none could rake faster, Except that raking dog, his master. "

THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. 

TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision toDr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to theone, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard. " On which the otherexulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, youcannot sing at all. "

PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. 

A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on aquestion respecting the execution of a particular statute. Risingsolemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, havewe laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are notexecuted, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down fullof self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus deliveredhimself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to whatpurpose did he speak?"

A BROAD HINT. 

AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company wherehe was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom hehad told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked whyhe had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company wasnot agreeable. "

PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. 

MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidencetotally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed ofgreater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising andsaying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived threetimes, and brought forth nothing_. "

A SEVERE REPROOF. 

THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polishedgentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box ofDrury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted andspurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man alow bow:

"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offeryou our thanks for your forbearance. "

"I don't understand you; what do you mean?"

"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thankyou for that you have not brought your horse too. "

CANINE LEARNING. 

A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England wereliterary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden atMillbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot. "

A STRATAGEM. 

A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coastof Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord tocarry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters, " saidmine host. "Try him, " quoth the traveller. The company all ran out tosee the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you, " said thelandlord. "Then, " coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possessionof the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself. "

A NECESSARY HINT. 

OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleetstreet, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, arerequested to use yesterday's paper. _"

A REASON. 

A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs inthe church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because, " answered _Amen_, "thepeople are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling. "

CAPITAL JOKES. 

WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckilypeeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered whathe saw. "You joke, " said the barrister. "If, " replied Mr. Curran, "youhave many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them thebetter. "

RAPID TRAVELING. 

A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he waslikely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have hisadvice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by arope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, yourknowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you havelikewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from thisto hell?" "I don't know, exactly, " answered he, gravely, "but if you letgo your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_. "

A MISAPPELLATION. 

A YOUNG officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr. Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against asoldier for assaulting an old man. " "Sir, " indignantly interrupted thedefendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon, " saidMr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against_an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for assaulting an old man. "

CONNUBIAL BLISS. 

I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed threefestive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without anyinvitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and mylady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other hadasked him. --_Reynold's Life and Times. _

QUICK FIRING. 

WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this noteto his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause. "Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged. " Thelwell replied, "I'llbe hanged if I do. "

THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE. 

A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, thathe knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, beforeso critical an audience. "I know something more terrible, " said Mrs. Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read. "

SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION. 

WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he andhis companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, atlength, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on agibbet_. "The joy, " says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited, cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilizedcountry_. "

AN IMPROVEMENT. 

A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!"said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now. " "I amglad to hear that, " observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, werehalf of them slates. "

A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL. 

"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills. "

"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care isunknown. "

"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls. "

"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell. "

"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam. "

"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on. "

"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, andKate, and--"

"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her. "

"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted. "

"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing. "

"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled. "

"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning. "

"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come, rest in this bosom. "

"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses. "

"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night. "

"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?""Oh, dear, what can the matter be?"

"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!"

"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped thewillow. "

"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A placein thy memory, dearest!"

"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love. "

"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--"

"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willowtree. "

"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley. "

AN INSCRIPTION. 

MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshireruns the military road which was made under the direction of GeneralWade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat onthe top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labourof his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and bethankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich:

 "Had you seen this road, _before it was made_, You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade. "

PUN ALPHABETICAL. 

"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_. " "Well, let us bethankful, _it was neither U nor I_. "

SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY. 

AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, asto the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter toa comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferredShakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" theyboth exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe:

 'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well, It were done quickly. '"

A REPROOF. 

MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeperand his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They beplayers!" "Hush! you dog, " says the old sweep, "you don't know what youmay come to yourself yet. "

A REASONABLE BILL. 

AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of hiswife, amounting to 67_l. _ "That's a vast sum, " said the widower, "forlaying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!""Not in the least, " answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse--threecoaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--nobody, your honor, could do it for less. " The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr. Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice asmuch to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; thereis a check for the amount. "

A PARTNERSHIP. 

THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grandentertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fishermanbelow with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a veryuncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundredstrokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him themarquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he hadreceived the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, towhom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was toreceive for my fish--your lordship's porter, who would admit me only onthat condition. " It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter hadhis share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for hisprize. 

LIFE INSURANCE. 

JAMES II. , when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, inHyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The dukeexpressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in sopublic a place. "James, " said the king, "take care of yourself; no manin England will kill me to make you king. "

AN IRISH NOTICE. 

IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, thatwhen the water is over this board the road is impassable. _"

MOUTHS AND MEAT. 

A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richerneighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality offortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sentmouths it sent meat. "True, " said the former, "but it has sent to youthe _meat_, and me the _mouths_. "

THE BENEFIT OF LYING. 

A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved thathe had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquittedhim. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that heand his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, thatthey could not believe one word he said. 

A BROAD HINT. 

A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, toldhim, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from thisbalcony. " "Perhaps, " said his excellency, "it was not the fashion thenfor ambassadors to wear swords. "

PREFERMENT. 

AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into theKing's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the MorningPost: "Mr. A. , who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has beenpromoted to the _bench_. "

SHOES MISUSED. 

A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker inJermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them. She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced. Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces. She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he, "it is not possible. " At length, recollecting himself, he added, "Howstupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have _walked in them_. "

A SUPPOSITION. 

IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the Englishambassador solicited of Louis XIV. The liberation of those sent to thegalleys on account of their religion. "What, " answered the monarch, "would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of theprisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master, " replied the minister, "would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers. "

A CHARACTER SUPPORTED. 

A BEGGAR asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentlemanput the question, _Quomodo vales?_ The fellow, shaking his head, said hedid not understand his honor. "Why, " said the gentleman, "did you notsay you were a poor scholar?" "Yes, " replied the other, "a very poorscholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin. "

AN ESPECIAL FAVOR. 

A BARONET scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure somuch as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peerpaying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which heseized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violentshock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord, " said thebaronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manoeuvreexcept to my particular friends. "

A CHARM. 

BUCHANAN the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days ofsuperstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St. Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he mightrestore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readilypromised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy, " says he, "go three timesto the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full ofwater in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, andeach time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all, wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your lifeattempt to open it, or dread the worst. " She strictly conformed, and herbusiness increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured toopen and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words:

 "If Maggy will brew good ale, Maggy will have good sale. "

SHORT DIALOGUE. 

_Lady_: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want ofchildren, surrounded as I am by every comfort--nothing else is wantingto render me supremely happy. 

_Captain O'Flinn_: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running infamilies; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either?

A BLUNT WITNESS. 

AT a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by afarmer, accused of stealing some ducks. 

"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. 

"Oh, I should know them _any_ where, " replied the farmer; and he went onto describe their different peculiarities. 

"Why, " said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rarebreed; I have some very like them in my own yard. "

"That's not unlikely, Sir, " replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_ducks I have had stolen lately!"

"Call the _next_ witness!"

QUESTION SOLVED. 

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow, "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?"

"Jump into the scales, " was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!"

The mathematician "had him there!"

SCOTTISH THEATRICALS. 

A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of atheatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to befollowed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however, prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time forrepresentation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore foundnecessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, whichwas thus delivered by the town-crier:

"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackershavena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin thenight; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil topay in the West Indies_. "

THE CUNNING FOOL. 

A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, whennine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt hisdrum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would bepunished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mentionhis loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped itinto the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleadedignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the younggentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observedsomething shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt downin the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found thepunch-ladle, so wind me up. " "Stop, " roared out the lad, "stop, _nowyour hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_. "

THE DEAN INSTRUCTED. 

A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant whocarried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down thefish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot. " "Heyday! young man, "exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teachyou better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliversuch a message. " The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, withthe fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, "Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptanceof this turbot. " "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all theconsequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_, ) take this honestlad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat anddrink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown. "

ADVICE. 

A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, beingunwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerninghis case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one ofthe faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take forsuch a complaint? "I'll tell you, " said the doctor, "you should _takeadvice_. "

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES. 

THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by onesermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island. "

CREDAT JUDÆUS APELLA, NON EGO. 

A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted thathe had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, butexhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referredhimself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered himthat it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by theother observing that he had himself seen strong instances of theturtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account isa very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seenit yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No. " "Then, " replied theother, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of thecompany, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it. "

WARNING. 

A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistresswarning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimedwith a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!"

IRISH RECRUITING. 

A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be awoman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, "Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a_man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_. "

SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE. 

THE prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "StovePipe Pete, " was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to thefollowing effect:

_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court. 

_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire. 

_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?

_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'dbe roasted or fried. 

_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentineeither. What do you follow?

_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he runover a little nigger. 

_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?

_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken offthe table. 

_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelvemonths. 

_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook. 

_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness andcorrectness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around thedocks?

_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain'tgot none. 

_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?

_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters. 

_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?

_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair. )

_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive?

_Pete_: By breathing, Sir. 

_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?

_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do?

_Judge_: I shall have to commit you. 

_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's someconsolation. 

CHEAP TRAVELING. 

A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels henever troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he livedon the road, answered, "_By my wits. _" "Then, " replied his friend, "youmust have traveled _very cheaply_. "

NAUTICAL POLEMICS. 

TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious disputeover their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_. "He was no apostle, " said the other; and this minor question, after muchaltercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who aftersome consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as anapostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consistedonly of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_. "

THE BEST CUSTOMERS. 

DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over theirbottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here'sto all the fools that are your patients. " "I thank you, my wise brotherRadcliff, " answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you areheartily welcome to all the rest of the practice. "

A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR. 

IN the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bringin a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, memberfor St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; thewharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was onemyself for ten years_. "

THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE. 

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for anengagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capableof all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worstactor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered thecharacter given of her. The husband having had the part of a merewalking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir, " answeredthe other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worstactor in the world. " "True, " replied the other, "but then I had not seenyou. "

AVOID ALL OFFENCE. 

DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wroteon their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked upon his, _No religion_. 

A LIBERAL PRICE. 

LOUIS XI. In his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden producedexcellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him aturnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his pastpleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of thevillage hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If thisfellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present acapital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made. "Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests hismajesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and thedonor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, "Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "Thisturnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse. "

A PRECEDENT. 

IN a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskinein answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who beingaccused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, "If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you. "

A CONVENIENT NAP. 

AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, says, "Jack, are you asleep?"

"Why?"

"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you. "

"Then I am asleep. "

LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE. 

DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of hisdictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him thefollowing note:

"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with themoney for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks Godhe has done with him. "

To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:

"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and isvery glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has thegrace to thank God for anything. "

A PROPER ADDRESS. 

THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published anaddress in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthythe attention of the insane!"

A DEBT OF HONOR. 

MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged thehighwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and thefellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half aguinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he wastaken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, thefellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to paythe half guinea you borrowed of me. "

A RELIC. 

A STUDENT, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other thingsproduced a rusty sword. "This, " said he, "is the sword with which Balaamwas going to kill his ass. " "I thought, " said one of the company, "thatBalaam had no sword, but only wished for one. " "You are right, sir, "replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wishedfor. "

STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED. 

M. BOURET, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, _but stupid to aproverb_, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in aparty, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, "Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret saidinstantly, "Sir, you are an ass. " "_The very thing I meant_, " repliedthe other. 

THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED. 

EXECUTIONS not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number oftowns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminalwas sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerableexpense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let himgo and be hanged where he pleases. "

HUMOROUS MISTAKES. 

THE humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, theagent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York:

"D. Horton--Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859. "

The dispatch received, read as follows:

"D. Horton:--Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine. "

The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the sameparties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the linethat he had been subpoenaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Courtof New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would benecessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The followingreply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire:

"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in yourplace. "

When received, it read as follows:

"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in yourplace. "

Mr. H. Claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution. 

Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland aninteresting family affair, as follows:

"Sarah and little one are doing well. "

The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus:

"Sarah and litter are doing well. "

The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query:

"For Heaven's sake, how many?"

SLEEPING IN CHURCH. 

A CLERGYMAN observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, aspeople did it with their _eyes open_. Wrapt up in the admiration of hisown discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audienceone by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this pooridiot!" "Aye, " says the lad, "and _if I had not been a poor idiot I hadbeen gone too_. "

ECONOMY. 

A LADY asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellentsmall beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it. "

A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS. 

A letter written during the Irish rebellion. 

_My dear Sir_:--Having now a little _peace and quietness_, I sit down toinform you of a dreadful _bustle and confusion_ we are in from theseblood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, _killed ordispersed_. 

We are in a pretty _mess_; can get _nothing to eat_, nor any _wine_ todrink, _except whiskey_; and when we _sit down_ to dinner, we areobliged to _stand_ with arms in both hands: _whilst I write this letter, I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded_, fromthe _beginning_, that this would be the _end_ of it; and I see I wasright, for _it is not half over yet_. At present there is such _goingson_, that every thing is _at a stand_. 

I should have answered your letter _a fortnight ago_, but _it only camethis morning_. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives _safe_, without being_robbed_. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was _robbed_near this town: but the _bags_ had been judiciously _left behind_, forfear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody _in the coach_, except _two outside_ passengers, who had nothing for the thieves totake. 

Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancinghither, under the French _standard_; but they had no _colors_, nor any_drums_ except _bagpipes_. Immediately every _man_ in the place, including _women and children_, ran out to meet them. We soon found ourforce _much too little_; and they were _far_ too _near_ for us to thinkof retreating; so to it we went: _death_ was _in every face_; but by thetime _half_ our little party was _killed_, we began to be _all alive_. The rebels fortunately had no _guns_, except _cutlasses and pikes_; andas we had plenty of _muskets and ammunition_, we put them all to the_sword_: not a soul of them _escaped_, except some that were _drowned_in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be _heard_but _silence_. Their _uniforms_ were _all_ of _different shapes_ and_colours_--in general they were green. After the action we rummagedtheir camp; all we found was a few _pikes without heads_, a parcel of_empty bottles full_ of water, and a bundle of _blank_ Frenchcommissions _filled up_ with Irishmen's names. 

Troops are now stationed every where _round_ the country, which exactly_squares_ with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, which would turn our _barren hills_ into fruitful _valleys_. I have only_leisure_ to add, that I am in _great haste_. 

Yours truly, J. B. 

P. S. If you do not _receive this in course_, it must have _miscarried_, therefore _write_ immediately to _let me know_. 

THE LOGICIAN REWARDED. 

A FARMER'S son, who had been bred at the university, coming home tovisit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table forsupper. "I can prove, " said he, "by logic, that these two chickens arethree. " "Well, let us hear, " said the old man. "This, " cried thescholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three. " "Very good, "replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I willhave the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have thethird. "

DOUBLE PUNISHMENT. 

THE captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negroon board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on hisoffence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, "Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but nopreachee and floggee too. "

REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED. 

IN a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of areasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they thereforerational? "Women, " he added, "we know, are rational animals; but wouldthey be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended thatcookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man didcook. "That, " observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I neverbefore could understand--_There is reason in the roasting of eggs_. "

A GENERAL COMPLAINT. 

THE lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the Frenchservice being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to theKing of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that hadoccurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that theIrish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir, "said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint. "

COOLNESS IN ACTION. 

IN the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of hislieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, thelieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to _you_then, " said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see ourfriend is gone away with his tobacco box. "

A CAUTION. 

A TRAVELER coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather tooclose before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, "Sir, you'll burn your spurs. " "My boots, you mean, " said the gentleman. "No, Sir, " replied the other, "they are burnt already. "

IMPROVEMENT. 

A FRENCH marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance, " said he, "the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed byall other nations. " "True, " answered the Englishman, "but we generallyimprove on your inventions; for example, _in adding the shirt to theruffle_. "

AN AMENDMENT. 

AT the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons inNewgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on theauspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, forthem and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the_Court of Chancery_. 

THE LEARNED DOG. 

FRANK SIMS, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and asagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, anarrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. Hismaster having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next toKensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire soalarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed onto enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till hearrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription:"Do shoot all dogs _who_ shall be found within this inclosure;" whenimmediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carryhim. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see, " saidSims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of theFrenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read. 

CAUSE OF BULLS. 

SIR RICHARD STEELE, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted tomaking bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air ofIreland, adding, "I dare say, _if an Englishman were born there_ hewould do the same. "

MOT-MALIN. 

A NOTED miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering asingle complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that, " said a wit, "_extreme sorrow is mute_. "

AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS. 

A WIDOW, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate onthe subject. 

"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage. "

"Marry then. "

"But people will say that my intended is too young for me. "

"Don't marry. "

"He would assist me in managing the business. "

"Marry then. "

"But I am afraid he would soon despise me. "

"Don't marry. "

"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector. "

"Marry then. "

"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches. "

"Then don't marry. "

Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted thebells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John. "She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She againapplied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well whatthe bells said; listen again. " She did so, when they distinctlyrepeated, "Don't marry John. "

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. 

A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl whoshowed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No, "answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_. "

REASON ON BOTH SIDES. 

CHARLES II. Asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preachedin general without book, but always read the sermons which he deliveredbefore the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before himso great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But willyour majesty, " continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in myturn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor, "replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them sooften for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face. "

SELF TAUGHT GENIUS. 

IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whetherself-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined withinstruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gavehimself as an example. "I have, " said he, "made a fiddle, which turnsout as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my ownhead_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_. "

AN ARTFUL REQUEST. 

A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a manwalking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coatin his carriage. "With all my heart, " said the gentleman, "but if weshould be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?""Sir, " answered the other, with apparent _naïvetè_, "I shall be in it. "

A FELONY. 

A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as hecame from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in theGreen Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having calledhis grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he foundunfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "Iam sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence foryou to buy some_, " and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught andgobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the othergentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the partyputting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at thetable, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was takencare to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering thesixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whomhe loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that hewould have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For, " saidhe, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _Igave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_. "'

CONVINCING EVIDENCE. 

A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King'sBench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be notmistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_. " "I am, " said thedivine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_. "

TOO BAD. 

A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said:"My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No, "replied he. "That's just like you, " said she, "for you never wanted thechildren to have any enjoyment. "

PARLIAMENTARY BULL. 

IN the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residuego to the Governor_. 

ANOTHER. 

IN a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding iton the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain inthe _old jail_ till the new one was completed. 

CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. 

THE deeds themselves, though _mute_, _spoke loud_ the doer. 

ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE. 

 I WILL strive with things impossible, Yea, _get the better of them_. 

ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON. 

 TURN from the glittering bribe your scornful eye, Nor sell for gold _what gold can never buy_. 

CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON. 

EVERY monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a _dead_language, it will always _live_. 

ANOTHER. _Ibid. _

 NOR yet perceived the vital spirit fled, But still fought on, _nor knew that he was dead_. 

ANOTHER. _Ibid. _

SHAKSPEARE has not only _shown_ human nature as it is, but as it wouldbe found _in situations to which it cannot be exposed_. 

ANOTHER. _Ibid. _

THESE observations were made _by favor of a contrary wind_. 

ANOTHER. DRYDEN. 

 A HORRID _silence_ first _invades the ear_. 

ANOTHER. POPE. 

 WHEN first young Maro, in his noble mind, A work _t'outlast immortal Rome designed_. 

DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE. 

AN itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that littlechildren, _who could neither speak nor walk_, were to be seen _runningabout the street, cursing and swearing_. 

THE SIGNAL. 

A MONK having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at thepoint of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? Itwill be for the good of your soul. " The peer, at each question, noddedhis head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who wasin the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to myrequest. " To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?"The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with heartygood will. 

A LONG BOW. 

A DEALER in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house inLambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with hismiraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by acertain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not onlygiven to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted thehouse:

"Gentlemen, " said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in theBay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard alittle splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water aman, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silkstockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with themost brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease andelegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hairstanding on end, answered, 'Yes, sir. ' At this moment, the captain, overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitorvery courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking hiscommands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants ofthis neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, buton returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed soclose up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am cometherefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street. 'The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who tookhis leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed. "

GOOD HUMOR RESTORED. 

ONE evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the _Lying Valet_was to be performed, _Sharp_, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian beingabsent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would beundertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not thensufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of_Kitty Pry_, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tomput them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, "Why should I _shoot her_? She plays her part very well. "

THE REVERSE. 

THE Abbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made acollection of a pistole a head from the members, for some generalexpense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it, " saidthe Abbé, "though I did not see it. " "And I, " said Fontenelle, "saw it, and could not believe it. "

STERLING COMPOSITION. 

AT a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try theirskill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject hethought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one ofthe company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are hereabundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, butI am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lordDorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will allbe satisfied with my judgment--these are the inimitable words:

"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundredpounds. 

DORSET. '"

A CARD PUN. 

A BUTCHER'S boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made himexclaim, "The _deuce_ take the _tray_!" "Sir, " said the lad, "the _deucecan't take the tray_. "

A WHIMSICAL IDEA. 

THE late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and hisappearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: apostilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being atParis, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, andsettled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. Theservant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement ofthe guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longerto restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are youthe _Robinson Crusoe_ so famous in history?"

AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS. 

TWO Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How, " said the one, "are you quartered?" "Pretty well. " "What part of the house do you sleepin?" "Upstairs. " "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, DennisO'Brien would never sleep in the garret. " "Where then?" "Why, I know notwhat you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should bein the cellar. "

THAT'S SO. 

A DISTINGUISHED wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wearnow-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is stillat large. 

A MARSHAL HUMBLED. 

A FRENCH Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, notby valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with thisinscription--"_made to be beaten_. "

The same _hero_, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly tookpossession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outragebrought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases underthe old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not hereto complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the EastIndies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so noblyin the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who tookMinorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B----, who _took my box_at the Opera, and _never took any thing else_. " The court paid him thehigh compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himselfinflicted sufficient punishment. 

A COURTLY COMPLIMENT. 

A FRENCH officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a ladyrenowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the mosthandsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "_I thought soyesterday. _"

A CONGRATULATION. 

AT a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shallcertainly hang your client. " His friend answered, "I give you joy ofyour new office. "

ALGERINE WIT. 

A FRENCHMAN, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he coulddo. His answer was, that he had been used to a _sedentary_ employment. "Well, then, " said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of featherbreeches, to sit and hatch chickens. "

A ROYAL DECISION. 

THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they werestopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend herwith the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into herapartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing themerchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. Themortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which hismajesty returned the following answer:

"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remainin the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. Asto the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of thecomplainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fairlady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman. 

FREDERICK. "

_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778. _

FELLOW FEELING. 

A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make himsick. _"

UNREASONABLE FASTING. 

TWO gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the nationalfast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter toldthem from within, that his master would allow no one to enter duringservice on the fast-day. "Your master, " said one of them, "might becontented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_. "

A WHIMSICAL IDEA. 

A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if therewas a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really, "said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, thatI shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lordship. "

THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN. 

A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion todesire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The ordernot being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when theprivate exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches tootight_. "

TIT FOR TAT. 

TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One ofthem, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, "Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "Ido; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still. "

SOUND ARGUMENT. 

A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:

"Where did your father die?"

"In shipwreck. "

"And where did your grandfather die?"

"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on boardperished. "

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock. "

"Then, " said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_. "

"And pray, Mr. Philosopher, " observed the seaman, "where did your fatherdie?"

"In his bed. "

"And your grandfather?"

"In his bed. "

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds. "

"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_. "

INGRATITUDE. 

WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat inthe front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit andhumor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure Ilaughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_. "

REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING. 

A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass ofbrandy; I am very hot. " Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I amdevilish cold. " Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because Ilike it. "

SMUGGLING. 

A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened thatthe Scots who came out of their own country were in general of moreabilities than those who remained at home. "Madam, " said he, "the reasonis obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine thosewho pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leaveit who is not a person of understanding. " "Then, " said she, "I presumeyour lordship was smuggled. "

A MIS-UNDER-STANDING. 

A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observeparticularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and ofcourse to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they werebrought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went oneasily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are apretty tradesman, " said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots_larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them_smaller than the other_. "

THE DOUBLE BULL. 

"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't youknow that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?"

IRISH DREAMING. 

WHEN General and Mrs. V. Were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased byan old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had nobounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale toextract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping intotheir carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor'shonor, and your ladyship's honor, --to be sure I was not dreaming of youlast night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa. " "Aye, my good woman, " says thegeneral, "but you know dreams always go by contraries. " "Do they so?"replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, andher ladyship the tobacco. "

THE PROVIDENT WIFE. 

A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marryThomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and wouldassist you to carry on the trade. " "My love, " answered the disconsolatedame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled thematter already. "

THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE. 

SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockneywho is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one ofour southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixingup of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, afterstraightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbubabout 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hifrailroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, or missing?"

"Well, yes, " said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a jobto get your pay. "

"Why so?"

"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight youfor it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed bythis road to _fight for baggage_, " pointing to a huge bewhiskeredtrain-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if mymemory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if hehaint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and heis making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"

"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi_did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever. "

Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, "Have you lost anything?"

"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy. 

"Can't I sell you a trunk?"

"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply. "

"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _alreadymarked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on. "

It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockneyhad been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on Americancustoms during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited somethingfully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story. 

EQUIVOQUE. 

A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, onwhich the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horsethere, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, "go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off hisears. " This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for thescholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, whatmean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir, " said the youth, "I menacedyou not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut offhis ears_. "

THE LOST FOUND. 

A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, whenthey all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: thegentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _inthis letter_ half a dozen of partridges. " "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, "I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew outof the basket_. "

A FILLIP TO A KING. 

THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, littleremembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, andone of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personatehim, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services tothe royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemedtoo great a reward. "By no means, " answered the earl, "and I am onlysorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon myfaithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who hasconstantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and hashitherto gone unrewarded. " Charles granted for this joke what the utmostreal services looked for in vain. 

A MERITED REWARD. 

A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking thatthe patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking hisprescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really_deserve to be ill_!"

COCKNEYISM. 

A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of_hair_. "You had better, " said the other, "go to the _wig-maker'sshop_. "

A STORY APPLIED. 

MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, beingin a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, wasrequested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all thedespotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he musttell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being anabstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, butconsented to tell a story. "One day, " said he, "a thief, prowling about, passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that hemight even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with thepulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having beenin the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder?He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; butscarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bellbrought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison headdressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had itnot been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made myescape_. '"

AMOR PATRIÆ. 

A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. AnIrish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in thecounty of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this wasimprobable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. "Why, gentlemen, " exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when hewrote his _Paradise Lost_?"

A QUAKER JOKE. 

A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing forthe hot weather:

K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during theconfusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with whichthe road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension ofa part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank Presidentdeclined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity, "Mr. K. , your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_. "

"Very well, " our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not letthe matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to thedepot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, toreject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began toarrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W----Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositorsflocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring, "What is the matter?"

"Is the Bank broke?"

A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated inthe rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized hishat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in withthe inquiry:

"Mr. K. , have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"

"Yes, " was the quiet reply. 

"Why is this? It will ruin us!"

"Well, friend L. , I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee couldnot renew a little paper for us this morning. "

It is needless to say Mr. L. Renewed all the Quaker's paper, andenlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all alongthe road to every agent the sedative message, "The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency. "

A ROYAL PHYSICIAN. 

HENRY VIII. Hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to theabbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, onwhich he laid to as lustily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart, "quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of hisgrace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed onbeef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcelydigest the wing of a chicken. " The king heartily pledged him, thankedhim for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, theabbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread andwater, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, asirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made himfeed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a privatecloset, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. Ihave been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee. "

A SELFISH PUN. 

A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage tohis other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why, " said he, "would you nothave me _sell-fish_?"

SYMPATHY. 

A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was avery churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usualquestion--"Are you willing to go, my friend?"

"Oh, yes, " said the sick man, "I am. "

"Well, " said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all theneighbors are willing_!"

MATERNAL ADVICE. 

A NOBLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, hismother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. "What! Madam, " said he, "would you have me toimitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!"

PROVERBS APPLIED. 

A "FAT and greasy citizen, " having made a ridiculous motion in theCommon Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (orrather _party dinner_, ) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over thecoals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would bein the fire. _"

PROOF OF YORKSHIRE. 

A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said, "Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt. "

"Salt, for what?"

"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to beready. "

"What country are you from, my lad?"

"I's Yorkshire, Sir. "

"I thought so--Well, there take your egg. "

"Thank you, Sir. "

"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"

"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking ahorse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale, " _taking it off_. 

"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire. "

SCOTCH WEATHER. 

ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had beendetained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it alwaysrained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_. "

AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED. 

A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. Asenior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turnout a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very cleverboy. "

TIT FOR TAT. 

DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to beseen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from hisstore, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked tohis wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase inhis family. 

"Why, " said Mrs. D. , "that makes nine!"

"Exactly, " said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, thatone half of its face is black. "

"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D. , "that is singular, indeed. How strange!What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"

"Can't say, " replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to saythe least of it. "

"So I should think, " returned his better half. "I will go down in themorning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the childat the same time. "

Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subjectwas dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking theservant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singularchild. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Beforehe had time to seat himself, she said:

"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you themoney you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leavetown again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-pasttwo. 

"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a noteto-morrow. Just two, now, " said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will godown at once, for fear of missing him. "

"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will bein time. "

"No, " said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so Iwill go at once. "

"By the by, " said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story aboutone side of that child's face being white?"

"No, no, " said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said oneside was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that wasblack, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know. "

Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, andthen he looked disappointed. 

"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D. 

"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take upa note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it. "

"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paidme the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail. "

"But, " asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and notsay he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so sendme off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety fornothing?"

"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble, " returned hiswife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at thestore, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, athalf-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew youwould not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_"

Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. And Mrs. Dobbs enjoyeda pleasant supper. 

THE REGRET. 

JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn inthe Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, hereadily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings andsixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite comingup, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank ofhis guest. "Pshaw! man, " said one of the attendants, "Joseph isaccustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it. " "Verylikely, " replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself forhaving an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three andsixpence. "

NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED. 

A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend tolend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, he made an application for a larger sum. "No, " said the other, "you havedeceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a secondtime. "

MURDER AND SUICIDE. 

A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to beas great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a parishionerto lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring youropinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do notmean, " answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but_gratis_. " "That, " replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be asbad as _suicide_. "

A CHALLENGE. 

A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule onphysicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse meof ignorance or neglect. " "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell notales_. "

A QUALIFICATION. 

A YOUNG nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stareda little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he hadsowed a great deal of _wild oats_. 

QUICK WORK. 

MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds areperpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel. 

NON COMMITTAL. 

A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in avillage "down east, " received a long call the other day, from a pryingold spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her ownconception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main questionwhich brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you wasengaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them, " answered the young lady, fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitivefeatures of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, and you're sure it's none of your business. "

GRIEF. 

A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don'tsee wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf himtie for five dollars!"

JUDICIOUS REMARK. 

A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that theonly gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _ass_ work, _fire_work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_, he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman inEngland. "

A KNOTTY PUN. 

THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for apetticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, " replied she;"pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not. _"

RETORT FROM A CHILD. 

A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if heneglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, "Father, did you ever learn anything?"

AN APT SCHOLAR. 

"JOHN, what is the past of see?"

"Seen, Sir. "

"No, John, it is saw. "

"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, whenit is past and can't be _seen_. "

"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, toprevent a rush of brains to the head. "

CLASSICAL BULL. POPE. 

 EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest, _Herself the ninth. _

ANOTHER. HOME. 

 BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_. 

A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. 

A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked bythe counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I knownothing, " said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I havesaid already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike. " "Here, "said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintifffrom the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counselasked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle. ""Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here, " said the witness, "is apretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" Thecounsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how farwere you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seveninches. " "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this sovery exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it. "

SLANG. 

LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked, "What do you know of the defendant?"

"O! my lord, _I was up to him_. "

"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"

"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_. "

"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"

"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_. "

"I do not understand your language, friend. "

"Lord! what a flat you must be!"

SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS. 

AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over thedoor of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm MacTavish, M. D. , F. R. S. , walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord forthis presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, butwith a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctorthat he meant no insult to science. "What right then, " asked he, "haveyou to put up those letters after your name?" "I have, " answered thelandlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of theRoyal Scots Fusileers_. "

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. 

A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one ofthe drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Notyour duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know verywell, " replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at thecourt martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_. "

AN APOLOGY. 

LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar, but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral'sship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse myappearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devilof a hurry_. "

BLINDNESS _vs. _ SIGHT. 

A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. Theblind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accusehim would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to takehis advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred ofwhich he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have hisopinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, orif he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advisedhim, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catchingdouble the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, tookoccasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into amill-stone as you_. "

A RETORT. 

A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrantthese buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's. " "Yes, "answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands. "

A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT. 

A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, "Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have. ""I know that, " answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love ourenemies_. "

VANITY HUMBLED. 

A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high roadbetween Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man onfoot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The otheranswered, "I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on thefootpath. "

"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?"

"Not I, indeed. "

"I am Mr. ----, of ----. "

"Very likely. "

"And I am one of the trustees for this road. "

"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, andinterrupt passengers. "

"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laidby the heels. What is your name, fellow?"

"_Henry, Duke of Montague. _"

A LESSON. 

A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a smalllamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all, "said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse fullas well in the dark. " "I am satisfied, " said the former, "that as aneconomist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit bythis lesson. "

A LEGISLATOR. 

AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that hadoccurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capitaloffence!

DEAR WINE. 

MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanlysentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a winemerchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts. It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds. Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was aperfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It wasindeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle. "

A GOOD HIT. 

A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen timessuccessively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged twopellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but onthe other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunateaccident, "My dear Sir, " said the old man, "I give you joy of yourimprovement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_. "

SPENDING TIME. 

"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?"

"Because it's the only thing I have to spend. "

THE LESSON PROFITED BY. 

AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter askedhis master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If youwill pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you. " This beingagreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_. "Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the billwas brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement. "O Sir, " said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?"

BLACK WORK WELL PAID. 

A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came?

"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys. "

"How many were there?"

"Twenty, Sir. "

"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?"

"Only a shilling a piece, Sir. "

"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work. "

"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough. "

PROOF OF IDENTITY. 

RICHARD II. , on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishopwhom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat ofmail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whetherthis be _thy son's coat_ or not?"

NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE. 

THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthenvessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_. A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angelpainted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who veryfrequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the firstdraught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest ofthe party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, asunfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at thatpretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face. " Thefarmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. Thisbeing produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as hecould not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannotbear to leave that ugly devil a drop. "

THE GENERAL CHALLENGED. 

GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready hishorse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was_not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I havebeen, sir, " answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doingwhat you dare not do, brave as you are. " "Where, and what?" demanded thegeneral, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending mylast sixpence_. "

A QUESTION ANSWERED. 

A SAILOR on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fallhaving been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, littlehurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor, "replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_. "

A COUNSELLOR. 

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person tohis late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but whichthe king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerousprecedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant ofthe office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, byasking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to knowwith whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filledup? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "Andshall the instrument, " said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to ourtrusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_"

AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE. 

LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_Isurrounded them. _"

A BON BOUCHE. 

AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets whichemanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brotherbarrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and wasdelighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friendwhat part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was, " answered theother, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up inhalf a sheet of your work. "

CAN'T BE WORSE. 

A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a Frenchtheatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" ayoung fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him. "

VIRTUE CHEAP. 

A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on atradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband. " Thestone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in thefollowing manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s. _ to her husband. "

THOROUGH WORK. 

A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearlykilled himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as hewent smartly through his work. 

NOT TO BE DONE BROWN. 

DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during whichtime, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, wheneverhe was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omitit, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favoritelady. "Why, indeed, " said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I havetoasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I amdetermined to toast her no longer. "

FITNESS OF THINGS. 

AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced theanimal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superiorofficer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. Youshould have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and notwith your blade. " "Plaise your honor, " says Murphy, "and I would havebeen glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he hadonly been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth. "

LETTING ON. 

A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffusedwith tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked whatmade him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The wholecourt was convulsed with laughter. 

AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT. 

AS Louis XIV. Was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles toParis, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in asmuch apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. Hecalled him, --"How is it, " said the king, "that, dressed as you are, youseem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding mywarm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire, " replied thepedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that youwill be the warmest monarch of Europe. " "How so?" asked the king. "Yourmajesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_. "

AN APT SCHOLAR. 

"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?"

"Don't know, Sir. "

"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"

"Trap, Sir. "

"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"

"A baby, Sir. "

"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"

"My nails, Sir. "

"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"

"Yes, Sir. "

"Do you know its name?"

"Yes, Sir. "

"Then tell me what C A T spells. "

"Kitten, Sir. "

PROPENSITIES. 

THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were someScotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass toomuch, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, andtherefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him. "By all means, " said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a verydisagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, totake the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hopetherefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind shouldhappen. " General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity. 

UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION. 

A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose hisears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he wasrather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. Thecriminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I amalways obliged to find you ears?"

A CASE OF ALARM. 

AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older thanme_, to cut me out of the estate!"

INDIAN FINESSE. 

SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stoutIndian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he didnot work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't youwork, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if youare good for any thing I will give you employment. " He accordingly tookhim into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievishvagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary toorder him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made himsuspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass ofrum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliverit, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a heartyflogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack howhe dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa, " said he, "_head work_!"

ECONOMICAL. 

MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband becauseshe loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her firstprotector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out. 

GOOD TOAST. 

AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass. , recently, a lady sent the followingvolunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ ofsociety. "

NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT. 

A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in theCourt of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, wasgetting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisonerin Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, "When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputabletradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in hislife. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing moreout of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what theman had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_. " Withouthesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on youroath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not_imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?"

THE BISHOP ANSWERED. 

AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensedat his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you aliving?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship. "

SIMPLICITY _vs. _ WIT. 

A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonsonpeevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre ofwit. " The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. _Wiseacre_!"

AN ELIGIBLE CORPS. 

MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. Oneday he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. Thelatter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seenwith a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequentedcoffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgracethe corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by nomeans considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectableperformer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. "And what, man, " said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?""I have, " replied Mr. B. , "at present an income of near a thousand ayear. " "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye onyvacancies in your corps?_"

AN INVITATION. 

A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she hadbeen forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, sayingat the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_"

AN ARCH QUESTION. 

DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. At supper, which wasserved in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, ofwhom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico. " "_And thepartridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "Andthe partridges too. "

IF THE CAP FITS. 

THE following advertisement was some years ago posted up at NorthShields:

"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practiceof riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Roperystairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method ofinforming the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said ass_, and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to takecare of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the_wrong one_. "

A PRIVILEGED PLACE. 

A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hangedtogether at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary wasexhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed ratherrudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "Youblack rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on meso?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a righthere as you have. _"

ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES. 

DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porterpassing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentionalmotion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It isnot the first time they have _saved my eyes_. "

A RARE BIT. 

THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the BreakfastTable, " is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor:

Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent, " does any harm?--Why, no, --I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceivepeople any more than the "Arabian Nights, " or "Gulliver's Travels" do. Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up factsout of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as tomislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of oneof the papers, the other day, which contains a number ofimprobabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and getit for you, if you would like to hear it. ----Ah, this is it; it isheaded

"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE. "

"This island is now the property of the Stamford family, --having beenwon, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during thestock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of thisgentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries. 'This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains alarge amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable fortheir symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calmweather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. Thesummers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; butthis fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northernregions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter. 

"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper treeand the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, abenevolent society was organized in London during the last century forsupplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to thatdelightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P. ] It is said, however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ inEngland, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew ofthe vessel in which they were brought over. This information wasreceived from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, andexceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful inthe _cuisine_ peculiar to the island. 

"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed aresubject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent andlong-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of theseattacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often drivenbackwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-knownprinciple of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or areprecipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lostannually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on thisstimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury isresented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the_pepper-fever_, as is called, cudgeled another most severely forappropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was onlypacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar speciesof swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is wellknown, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the MahometanBuddhists. 

"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europeand America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigsare called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may beobserved in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is thefavourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is renderedpeculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without beingaccompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time bethoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before themaccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of theseinsects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so thataccidents from this source are comparitavely rare. 

"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. Thebuttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nutpalm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from thehybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, soas to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up withcold"--

--There, --I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many ofthese statements are highly improbable. --No, I shall not mention thepaper. --No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the styleof these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have beenreading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his historyand geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies;--he sells it to the editor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it tothe public----By the way, the papers have been very civil----haven'tthey?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern Magazine, "--isn'tit?--got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ fortheir local peculiarities. 

SHAKSPEARE QUOTED. 

A VILE scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friendobserved, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in thewords of Hamlet: "_Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me_. "

CAUTION TO GAMESTERS. 

A GERMAN baron at a gaming house, being detected in an _odd trick_, oneof the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. Onthis outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play _sohigh again_. 

AT THE BAR. 

A CRIMINAL being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say whyjudgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, Ithink there has been quite enough said about it already--if you pleasewe'll drop the subject. "

HOCK. 

A PEDANTIC fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which thewaiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle ofhock--hic, hæc, hoc, " replied the visitor. After sitting, however, along time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquireinto the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it notbrought in?" "Because, " answered the waiter, who had been taught Latingrammar, "you afterwards _declined_ it. "

DORIC WIT. 

A PERSON asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-gardentheatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received theanswer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders ofarchitecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I takeit for granted, it must be the Dor-ic. "

FAMILY LIKENESS. 

A YANKEE, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whomlooked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike. 

ACTUAL EXPERIMENT. 

"LA me! good old neighbor, " cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to dowith that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live ahundred years, so husband and I got one to try. "

A TREMENDOUS THREAT. 

A MAN being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, inpronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a mostatrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which thelaw allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyondthe seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escapethus easily; I would sentence you to _reside in the same house with bothyour wives, for the term of your natural life_. "

INQUISITIVE. 

A SMART old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grewimpatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quitthe stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemenshe ever see. "

GRAFTING. 

A LADY, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on anapple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch ofthe tree for grafting. "For who knows, " said she, "but it may bear thesame kind of fruit?"

IN ORDERS. 

A COUNTRY squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to saygrace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, andasked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship'snearest relation was in orders. 

NO STRANGER. 

A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the mostamiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger inthe next room, I would kick you out of doors. " Upon which, the clergymanstepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me. "

BOTH ONE. 

AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple fortheir frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" criedthe husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, you would swear we were twenty. "

PRESS AND SQUEEZE. 

A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of toimply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment, ""press him to stay to-night, " thought he would show his talents, byusing a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, tocry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing. "

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested hisfriend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written, his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, heprocured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable toyour order, will be forwarded as soon as possible. "

LONG NOSE. 

A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered hiswaiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen. "But take care, John, " added he, "that you do not hit yourself againstanything, in the dark. " Mindful of the caution, John stretched out bothhis arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stoodhalf open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow uponthe nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, "I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never havethought, before, that it was longer than my arm. "

RIDING DOUBLE. 

AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beatingoff the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observingit, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will getoff; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you. "

BEGIN RIGHT. 

AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. Theflute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for thefirst month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl, " repliedthe cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month. "

INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX. 

THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and arumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxietyhad been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of themeeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" wouldwhip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflictprobable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in thismanner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Townroad; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved awhip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is likethat of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously. '"

Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_, " and continued ourlabors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, washeard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us. 

"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... Buthis face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his fadedcheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge. "

"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do youdo?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat. 

We removed ours, also our cravat. 

 * * * * *

The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over thePress by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for thatpurpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his handswe held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandishedabove our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo, " "Never!" he gasped--

 "O my Bigler!" he would have muttered, But that he "dried up, " ere the word was uttered. 

At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a"misunderstanding, " and through the amicable intervention of thepressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the wholeaffair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled onthe most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of eitherparty. " We write this while sitting without any clothing, except ourleft stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff"of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked overour head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crownsubsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with coldwater, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with abasin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the secondpage of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off uponthe back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus endsour description of this long anticipated personal collision, of whichthe public can believe precisely as much as they please; if theydisbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but cansimply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencementof our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict, "HERE LIES PHOENIX. "

_Phoenixiana. _

INCREDULITY. 

A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of thecompany cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir, " says he, "_I saw the thinghappen. _" "If you did, " says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but Iwould not have believed it if I had seen it myself. "

A SECOND METHUSELAH. 

A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of thedeceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add oneyear more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, isrecorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!"

A SCHOOL TEACHER. 

A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how manydifferent occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried schoolteaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander. 

"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach. "

"Did you hire out?"

"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out. "

"Why did you give it up?"

"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled intoa deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickleswas the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles, --named myobjic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin'me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. Hewanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him Iwouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell agood teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways, 'says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined, ' says he. 

"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a littleskittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so Iturned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he wouldtell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; Ithen 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet, and Snickles was gone!_"

POSTHUMOUS HONOR. 

"SANCHO, " said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your servicesI shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our familyvault. " "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or defreedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, hemake the mistake, and carry away poor negro man. "

THE ANTIGALLICAN. 

A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which wasbrought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring winein a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _Frenchmeasures_ here. "

SWEET DEFINITION. 

A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High, " where theteachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they sayin the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirredby the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by naturalfeminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning ofhuggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'llshow you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any furtherremark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentlepressure--"That's hugger; and this, " putting his lips to hers inaffectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes, " said the not more thanhalf displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers, for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll boxyour ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, whatsort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time. "--_BostonTranscript. _

COULDN'T AFFORD IT. 

"I DON'T care much about the bugs, " said Mr. Wormly to the head of agenteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't theblood to spare--you see that yourself. "

PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER. 

A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if hehad one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil. "

PROVOKING. 

"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?"

"A rabbit?"

"Yes, be quick! a rabbit. "

"Was it a kinder gray varmint?"

"Yes, yes!"

"A longish critter, with a short tail?"

"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow. "

"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?"

"Yes, yes!"

"And sorter jumps when it runs?"

"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!"

"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here. "

WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE. 

ON Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session inCongress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began tointerrogate him about Washington. 

"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?"

"Why, " said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners aboutone o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As forrepresentatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senatorsdon't get theirs till five. "

"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another. 

"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a timeappropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don'tdine until the next day!"

COOK'S STRIKE. 

A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cookwho had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day toprepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and wascharming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. Sopopular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it wasnothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a largedish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as acoal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawingherself up said:

"Madam, I strikes!"

"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?"

"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws isall broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_"

BAD STATE. 

A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents ofhis scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, whatState he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin andmisery. "

PRESENCE OF MIND. 

A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out tohim, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen, " saysSawney. 

EXTRAVAGANCE. 

AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since. When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people werevery extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where hestayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars. 

"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend. 

"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torchfor us to eat by. "

SOMEWHERE. 

A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced toa gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "Ithink, Sir, I have seen you somewhere. " "Very likely you may, " repliedthe gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often. "

GOOD SHOT. 

A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed anapprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on heraccount. "Oh! by no means, " replied the doctor; "I have another patientin the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds withone stone. "

ORIENTAL WIT. 

A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an oldman. When he came back, the old man denied having had any moneydeposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where wereyou, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree. " "Take myseal and summon that tree, " said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell thetree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it myseal. " The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has gotthere yet?" "No, " said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has notgot there yet. " "How knowest thou, old man, " cried the Khazee, "wherethat tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come. "He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money isthine. "

BAD LIGHTS. 

AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim asonly to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those othersburn. "

PAIR OF SPECTACLES. 

TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first. "See, " the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brothermakes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see apair of spectacles. "

SMART GIRL. 

A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, thegate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding hisauthority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man andhorse, six cents. " "Well, " says she, "you can demand nothing of me, asthis is but a woman and a mare. "

CROOKED STICK. 

AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the variousextraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, atraveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passingthrough a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road:and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was. When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stickof wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still. "

A CLINCHER. 

GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind ofparental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, achild of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told youthree times, my son, to shut the gate, " said the gentleman sorrowfully. "And I've told you _free_ times, " lisped the child, "that I won't do it. You must be stupid. "

A MISCONCEPTION. 

A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, thelatter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimedthe other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have youto know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk anyday in the week. "

SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. 

FROM PHOENIXIANA. 

THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be founduseful to your readers:

In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source ofannoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_. It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, whichI am assured has been tried with efficacy. 

Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body andlimbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in itstenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soonform a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should thecoating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary toretouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewedevery three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantageof simplicity and economy, should be generally known. 

So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacksof these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--intheory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite ofthe flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. Theheat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain ofthe bite. 

You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few dayssince, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was stillextravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running itdown. " I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature, " said he, "and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was aseamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world wasonly so, so. "

THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER. 

A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground ofhis not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by thesheriff. "Fellow, " said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbetthat was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon, " said thecarpenter, "had I known that it was _for your worship_, I should haveleft everything else to do it. "

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. 

A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c. , to improveher countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentlemansaying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _newbeauty_. "

A REPROOF. 

A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuseon the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled athim, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed hadno fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell abarking at him. "And how long, " said the youth, "has he had this trick?""Ever since he was a _puppy_. "

A GOOD TURN. 

"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any otherman in town. "

"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so. "

"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earththat can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest namethe article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you adollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present. "

"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, youmay whittle and I'll turn. "

A DISTINCTION. 

SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow, observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it isnot the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_. " "Very true, "replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a holeis the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_. "

CONSOLATION. 

IN a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learningand education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts onthe subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise norwitty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest foolliving. " "No, " answered he, "nor shall I be while you live. "

RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER. 

"MY DEAR, " said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinnerto-day?"

"One of your smiles, " replied the husband. "I can dine on that everyday. "

"But I can't, " replied the wife. 

"Then take this, " and he gave her a kiss and went to his business. 

He returned to dinner. 

"This is excellent steak, " said he, "what did you pay for it?"

"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure, " replied the wife. 

"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next time you goto market. "

NOT YOU BUT I. 

A TRADESMAN pressing one of his customers for payment of a bill, thelatter said, "You need not be in such a hurry; I am not going to runaway. " "But, " says the creditor, "_I am. _"

MY BROTHER'S HUNTING-LODGE. 

FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. 

I MET with a ludicrous instance of the dissipation of even latter days, a few months after my marriage. Lady B---- and myself took a tourthrough some of the southern parts of Ireland, and among other placesvisited Castle Durrow, near which place my brother, Henry FrenchBarrington, had built a hunting-cottage, wherein he happened to havegiven a house-warming the previous day. 

The company, as might be expected at such a place and on such anoccasion, was not the most select; in fact, they were "_hard-going_"sportsmen. 

Among the rest, Mr. Joseph Kelly, of unfortunate fate, brother to Mr. Michael Kelly (who by-the-by does not say a word about him in hisReminiscences), had been invited, to add to the merriment by hispleasantry and voice, and had come down from Dublin for the purpose. 

Of this convivial assemblage at my brother's, he was, I suppose, thevery life and soul. The dining-room had not been finished when the dayof the dinner-party arrived, and the lower parts of the walls havingonly that morning received their last coat of plaster, were, of course, totally wet. 

We had intended to surprise my brother; but had not calculated on thescene I was to witness. On driving to the cottage-door I found it open, while a dozen dogs, of different descriptions, showed ready to receiveus not in the most polite manner. My servant's whip, however, soon sentthem about their business, and I ventured into the parlor to see whatcheer. It was about ten in the morning: the room was strewed with emptybottles--some broken--some interspersed with glasses, plates, dishes, knives, spoons, &c. , all in glorious confusion. Here and there wereheaps of bones, relics of the former day's entertainment, which thedogs, seizing their opportunity, had picked. Three or four of theBacchanalians lay fast asleep upon chairs--one or two others on thefloor, among whom a piper lay on his back, apparently dead, with atable-cloth spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles, burnt to the sockets; his chanter and bags were laid scientificallyacross his body, his mouth was wide open, and his nose made ample amendsfor the silence of his drone. Joe Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fastasleep in their chairs, close to the wall. 

Had I never viewed such a scene before, it would have almost terrifiedme; but it was nothing more than the ordinary custom which we called_waking the piper_, when he had got too drunk to make any more music. 

I went out, and sent away my carriage and its inmate to Castle Durrow, whence we had come, and afterward proceeded to seek my brother. Noservant was to be seen, man or woman. I went to the stables, wherein Ifound three or four more of the goodly company, who had just been ableto reach their horses, but were seized by Morpheus before they couldmount them, and so lay in the mangers awaiting a more favourableopportunity. Returning hence to the cottage, I found my brother, alsoasleep, on the only bed which it then afforded: he had no occasion toput on his clothes, since he had never taken them off. 

I next waked Dan Tyron, a wood-ranger of Lord Ashbrook, who had acted asmaitre d'hôtel in making the arrangements, and providing a horse-loadof game to fill up the banquet. I then inspected the parlor, andinsisted on breakfast. Dan Tyron set to work: an old woman was called infrom an adjoining cabin, the windows were opened, the room cleared, thefloor swept, the relics removed, and the fire lighted in the kitchen. The piper was taken away senseless, but my brother would not suffereither Joe or Alley to be disturbed till breakfast was ready. No timewas lost; and, after a very brief interval, we had before us abundanceof fine eggs, and milk fresh from the cow, with brandy, sugar, andnutmeg, in plenty; a large loaf, fresh butter, a cold round of beef, which had not been produced on the previous day, red herrings, and abowl dish of potatoes roasted on the turf ashes; in addition to which, ale, whiskey, and port, made up the refreshments. All being duly inorder, we at length awakened Joe Kelly, and Peter Alley, his neighbor:they had slept soundly, though with no other pillow than the wall; andmy brother announced breakfast with a _view holloa_!

The twain immediately started, and roared in unison with their host mosttremendously! It was, however, in a very different tone from the _viewholloa_, and perpetuated much longer. 

"Come, boys, " says French, giving Joe a pull, "come!"

"Oh, murder!" says Joe, "I can't!"--"Murder!--murder!" echoed Peter. French pulled them again, upon which they roared the more, stillretaining their places. I have in my lifetime laughed till I nearlybecame spasmodic; but never were my risible muscles put to greatertension than upon this occasion. The wall, as I said before, had onlythat day received a coat of mortar, and of course was quite soft andyielding, when Joe and Peter thought proper to make it their pillow; itwas, nevertheless, setting fast, from the heat and lights of an eighteenhours' carousal; and, in the morning, when my brother awakened hisguests, the mortar had completely set and their hair being the thingmost calculated to amalgamate therewith, the entire of Joe's stock, together with his _queue_, and half his head, was thoroughly andirrecoverably bedded in the greedy and now marble cement, so that, ifdetermined to move, he must have taken the wall along with him, forseparate it would not. One side of Peter's head was in the same state ofimprisonment. Nobody was able to assist them, and there they both stuckfast. 

A consultation was now held on this pitiful case, which I maliciouslyendeavored to prolong as much as I could, and which was, in fact, everynow and then interrupted by a roar from Peter or Joe, as they made freshefforts to rise. At length, it was proposed by Dan Tyron to send for thestone cutter, and get him to cut them out of the wall with a chisel. Iwas literally unable to speak two sentences for laughing. The old womanmeanwhile tried to soften the obdurate wall with melted butter and newmilk--but in vain. I related the school story how Hannibal had workedthrough the Alps with hot vinegar and hot irons: this experimentlikewise was made, but Hannibal's solvent had no better success than theold crone's. 

Peter Alley, being of a more passionate nature, grew ultimately quiteoutrageous: he roared, gnashed his teeth, and swore vengeance againstthe mason; but as he was only held by one side, a thought at last struckhim: he asked for two knives, which being brought, he whetted oneagainst the other, and introducing the blades close to his skull, sawedaway at cross corners till he was liberated, with the loss only of halfhis hair and a piece of his scalp, which he had sliced off in zeal andhaste for his liberty. I never saw a fellow so extravagantly happy! Furwas scraped from the crown of a hat, to stop the bleeding; his head wasduly tied up with the old woman's _praskeen_; and he was soon in a stateof bodily convalescence. Our solicitude was now required solely for Joe, whose head was too deeply buried to be exhumed with so much facility. Atthis moment, Bob Casey, of Ballynakill, a very celebrated wig-maker, just dropped in, to see what he could pick up honestly in the way of hisprofession, or steal in the way of anything else; and he immediatelyundertook to get Mr. Kelly out of the mortar by a very expert buttedious process, namely clipping with his scissors, and then rooting outwith an oyster-knife. He thus finally succeeded, in less than an hour, in setting Joe once more at liberty, at the price of his queue, whichwas totally lost, and of the exposure of his raw and bleeding occiput. The operation was, indeed, of a mongrel description--somewhat between acomplete tonsure and an imperfect scalping, to both of whichdenominations it certainly presented claims. However, it is an ill windthat blows nobody good! Bob Casey got the making of a skull-piece forJoe, and my brother French had the pleasure of paying for it, asgentlemen in those days honored any order given by a guest to the familyshopkeeper or artisan. 

A PARTNERSHIP. 

AFTER divine service at Worcester cathedral, where a remarkably fineanthem had been performed, the organ-blower observed to the organist, "Ithink we have performed mighty well to-day. " "_We_ performed!" answeredthe organist, "if I am not mistaken it was _I_ that performed. " NextSunday, in the midst of a voluntary, the organ stopped all at once. Theorganist, enraged, cried out, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow, poppingout his head, said, "Shall it be _we_ then?"

A WIT FOR LADIES. 

A LADY of vivacity was by a waggish friend proposed to be madeacquainted with a gentleman of infinite wit, an offer she gladlyaccepted. After the interview, her friend asked how she liked him. Shesaid, "Delightfully! I have hardly ever found a person so agreeable. "The damsel, uninterrupted in her own loquacity, had not discovered thatthis witty gentleman was----_dumb_!

A BRAGGADOCIO REPROVED. 

AN officer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, thatin a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I, " saidthe Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit apretty girl. " "How could that be, " said the captain, "since there are nochimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I haveallowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me todescend a chimney in Switzerland. "

MRS. MUNCHAUSEN. 

A TRAVELED London lady gives the following incident, among others, to acircle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin'haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman nextme, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was aNortherner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolitionquestion, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir, ' said theSoutherner. 'Won't do it, ' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am, ' said theSoutherner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?''With the greatest pleasure, ' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'. When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long asmy harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall!for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in theside. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am, ' said theSoutherner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by amistake. '" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrifiedlistener. "Hinstantly, dear madam, " answered Miss L----. "The cabinpassengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lampchains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. Butfor my part, it quite spoiled my happetite. "

OLD BABES. 

A HIBERNIAN, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that theyput him in mind of "the babes in the wood. "

A SELL. 

THE river _Monitor_ tells the following story:

A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, andtold the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money toexpend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would bethe best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a manwho would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the tradersays:

"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?"

"Well, " said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, Iwant a glass of toddy, " which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nicecigar, " says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurelylighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as hishead, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard. 

"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper. 

"My neighbor, " said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I lefthome, to buy a plug of tobacco--have you got that article?"

The store-keeper sloped instanter. 

A SELL. 

A WITTY knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much aswould reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, itappeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol. 

PRACTICAL JOKING. 

A FEW days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with BrotherD----, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said--

"Squire D----, W----, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, andI want to come up with him. "

"State your case, " says D----. 

"I asked him, " said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse andwagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said hewanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it. "

D---- gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately actedupon as follows:

He went to the stabler and said--

"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?"

Stabler replied--"Five dollars. "

"Harness him up!"

Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, saying--

"Here is your money, " paying him five dollars. 

"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W. 

"He is at Salem, " says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem. "

SOLITUDE. 

"YOU are always yawning, " said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend, "replied he, "the husband and wife are _one_; and when I am _alone_, Igrow weary. "

SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS. 

A CORRESPONDENT of the _Richmond Dispatch_ tells the following in aletter from one of the Springs:

An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennesseeroad, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. Asthe train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance withthe usual custom _a lamp_ was lit. A servant girl, accompanying hermistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was litshe awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions. Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last. " Hermistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, wasdeeply mortified, and called upon her--"Molly, don't make such a noise;it is I, be not afraid. " The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got tode bad place, I would see you dar. " These remarks were uttered with suchvehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach becameconvulsed with laughter. 

GOODBYE. 

A MINIKIN three-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, wasexamining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head;higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir. " "Higher, fellow--higher. " " What--so, Sir?""Yes, fellow. " "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly. ""Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again. "

MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. --DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN. 

FROM PHOENIXIANA. 

MR. MUDGE has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings withhim four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children, and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pendingthe arrival of the next coasting steamer. 

Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a"sable silvered, " but a _yaller_ gilded; you can see some of it stickingout of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume ofArkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed abrownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut--apleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combinedwith a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye--a redeye we think it is--we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may bedistinguished. 

Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps thereader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thingit is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, andthe slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling outall over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, butwaved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should saysit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat(whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turnedthat article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated itscondition with alarming seriousness. 

"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge, " said we, as with a sudden bolt werecovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you, "replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now. "

There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention;we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air, listened to what he might have to say. 

"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us, " said Mr. Mudge, "aswe wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Tharwas a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, hegot to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good youngman and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacusriver, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passedthrough my mind. " So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket--hiswaistcoat pocket--a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then hedrew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a redground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose--an awfulblast it was--wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge'slines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets orpoetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare:

 DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK. 

 BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ. 

 it was on June the tenth our hearts were very sad for it was by an awful accident we lost a fine young lad Jeames Hambric was his name and alas it was his lot to you I tell the same he was accidently shot

 on the peacus river side the sun was very hot and its there he fell and died where he was accidently shot

 on the road his character good without a stain or blot and in our opinions growed until he was accidently shot

 a few words only he spoke for moments he had not and only then he seemed to choke I was accidently shot

 we wrapped him in a blanket good for coffin we had not and then we buried him where he stood when he was accidently shot

 and as we stood around his grave our tears the ground did blot we prayed to god his soul to save he was accidently shot

This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short andwould do to go over his grave:--

 EPITAFF. 

 here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick who was accidently shot on the bank of the peacus river by a young man

he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver withno stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kindbrass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven. 

truly yourn, ORION W MUDGE ESQ

CASUISTICAL ARITHMETIC. 

A BRACE of partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen;"Come, Tom, " said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let ussee how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three. " "Withall my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one for _you two_ and here is onefor _me too_. "

JOHNSONIAN ADVICE. 

MRS. B. Desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she hadjust written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tellher, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not beinglikely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then, " said theDoctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "_I advise you, Madam, toput it where your other irons are. _"

BLUNDERS OF SIR BOYLE ROCHE. 

FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. 

THE Baronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull andblunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fineaphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose inthe Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommendedby Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to befelt burdensome for many years to come--it was observed in reply, thatthe house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt forwhat could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager todefend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very fewwords, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuitycould possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are tobeggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask thehonorable gentleman, and this _still more_ honorable house, why weshould put ourselves out of our way for _posterity_: for what has_posterity_ done for _us_?"

Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed thissensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything outof the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house hadmisunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as heapprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assuredthe house that "by _posterity_, he did not at all mean our _ancestors_, but those who were to come _immediately_ after _them_. " Upon hearingthis _explanation_, it was impossible to do any serious business forhalf an hour. 

Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possiblefor the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, thathe was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his floridpicture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. "Gentlemen, " said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, andmay think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and willso remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now;but when the _day of judgment_ comes, _then_ honorable gentlemen will besatisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Leviticaldegrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin norshame in _marrying our own sister_. "

He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose inthe house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr. Speaker, " said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted thevillanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of ourancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till theybrought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of thenation! There, " continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on hisheart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while hedescribed the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by theFrench republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villainsshould invade us, Sir, 'tis on _that very table_, may-be, thesehonorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top ofone another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderous _Marshallaw-men_(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw ourbleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!"

Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpussuspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker, "said he, "to give up not only a _part_, but, if necessary, even the_whole_, of our constitution, to preserve _the remainder_!"

A PLACEMAN. 

"I CANNOT conceive, " said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; myestate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do. "

"My lord, I have a place. "

"A place! I never heard of it; what place?"

"I am _my own steward_. "

LET US START FAIR. 

MANY years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in themidst of his sermon, the alarm was given, _A wreck! a wreck!_ Thecongregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, whenthe parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. Thisarrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off hiscanonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all startfair!"

DEGREES OF COMPARISON. 

AN Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our oldacquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him. You are thin, and I am thin; but he is _thinner than both of us puttogether_. "

A MISUNDERSTANDING. 

A POOR curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler'sshop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This beingrefused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might aswell go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of hisdiscourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" Thegood woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paulsays, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your oldscore. "

A STORY TELLER. 

A PERSON of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in themidst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to goon board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning inabout a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, gentlemen, " proceeded he, "as I was saying----"

A RETORT. 

AN Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting acelebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your_whiskers_ on the _peace establishment_?" His lordship answered, "Whenyou put your _tongue_ on the _civil list_. "

A LOUD LETTER. 

"WHAT are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see mygrandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her. "

GO THE WHOLE. 

A PEASANT, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen somehay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken fromthe stack: "That is of no consequence, " replied the peasant; "you mayset it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch theremainder soon. "

SHARP BOY. 

A MAN driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into abarn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, "Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow. " "I am no constable, Sir. " "Turnher out then. " "She is right side out now, Sir. " "Well, speak to herthen. " The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, with "Your servant, madam. " The drover rode into the yard, and drove thecow out himself. 

HIGH FAMILY. 

A PERSON was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland. "Yes, " said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so highthat their feet could not touch the ground. "

SETTLING. 

"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?"

"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old_settlers_. "

CAUSE OF REGRET. 

A LAD, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst intotears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir, " answered he, "I have read thatAlexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests thathe would leave him _nothing to gain_; I on the contrary weep for fearthat you will leave me _nothing to lose_. "

THE PROPER PERSON. 

A GENTLEMAN passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from someimpudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he didthus: "I have been abused here, by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the_Principal_. "

AN AWKWARD SITUATION. 

LORD LYTTLETON asked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a youngdivine he had brought down with him. "I really know not, " said theparson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach betterthan I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and ifhe preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all. "

CALL AGAIN TO-MORROW. 

A HERETIC in medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call. Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call anothertime; I am unwell, and can't see him now. "

JOKE FROM HARPER'S DRAWER. 

WHO is not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch ofConnecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine storycontributed to the Drawer:

"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C----k, who preachedmany years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part ofConnecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from thedistant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate atnoon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission. ' Some brought ahard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman, who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some puddingand milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spillover on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcherwith a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived atthe meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of theday soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in herdevotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice--asmany church-goers seem to have learned--that she could receive and'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening hermouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared, and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by arustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider thecause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck ofthe pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. PoorPut had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and takingadvantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat ofhis mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head hadglided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quitein, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricatehimself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The oldlady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terriblethoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog andpitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, therascally insult of the puppy--but, above all, the loss of her'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried, "'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'!Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!'

"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old ladyseized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonishedpreacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the wholecongregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; andit was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed. "

ARMOND. 

ARMOND, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. Inchapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service atthe door. The sentinel refused to admit him. 

"But, friend, " said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty'sbarber. "

"Ah, that may be, " said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave inchurch. "

MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST. 

"WHERE did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as heshook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the whilelike a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybodygiven you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets, "said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them toclatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. "Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that sheshould give you money?--she must be some low creature, or you would notspeak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by anydesolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society. "How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets, "said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame. " "Dear me!" she exclaimed, "how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimespeople are arranged at the bar for it. " She was really uneasy until heexplained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents onBurlingame and had won. 

ADORATION. 

AT a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each chargingthe other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, andthe wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of thebar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wifea-_door_-ing each other. 

NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB. 

CHARLES LAMB once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a partydenuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls oughtto go to a more retired place. " "They are boys, " replied the lady. "Youmay be right, " rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately asyou, at such a distance. "

TOO GREEN. 

"SALLIE, " said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your headaway from me; you will set me on fire. "

"No danger, " was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn. "

HIGH COMPANY. 

A GASCON was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressedwherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. "Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!"says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them severaltimes. "

EMPHASIS. 

THE force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, between two lawyers:

"Sir, " demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"

"No, Sir, " said the other coolly, "I do not _imagine_ you to be one. "

A FORGETFUL MAN. 

A MAN, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, wastried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name asAuguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he hadforgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessitehad been born there during that time, and that was a girl. 

"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge. 

"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't. "

"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"

"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it wassomewhere else. "

"Where does your family live at present?"

"I don't know; I've forgotten. "

"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"

"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and thenagain I think I haven't. "

"What trade do you follow?"

"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can'ttell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other. "

AN ACUTE HINT. 

AN Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to hisfriend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearanceof it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?--_what would your honor have meto tell him?_"

COCKNEY NARRATIVE. 

I _laid_ at my friend's house last night, and _just_ as I _laid me down_to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was_just_ over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was _just_even with the floor of my room. Well, I _just_ peeped up, and as themoon was _just_ rising, I _just_ saw the head of a man; so I _got me up_softly, _just_ as I was, in my shirt, _goes_ to where the pistols _laid_that I had _just_ loaded, and laid them _just_ within my reach. I hidmyself behind the curtains, _just_ as he was completely in the room. _Just_ as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, _thinks I_, would itbe _just_ to kill _this here_ man, without _one_ were sure he came withan _unjust_ intention? so I _just_ cried out _hem!_ upon which he fellto the ground, and there he _laid_, and I could _just_ see that helooked _just_ as if he was dead; so I _just_ asked him what business hehad in _that there_ room? Poor man! he could _just_ speak, and said hehad _just_ come to see Mary!

SINCERE REGRET. 

TO a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wifebefore his second, she one day said, "_Indeed, Sir, no one regrets hermore than I do. _"

HARD CASE. 

A POLITE young lady recently asserted that she had lived near abarn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen. "

BIG WORDS. 

THE best hit we have lately seen at the _rather_ American fashion ofemploying big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in thefollowing dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:

"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with _malice prepense_?"

"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron. "

"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked himwith any evil intent?"

"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent. "

"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all apreconcerted affair?"

"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair--it was at a circus. "

LACONIC AND DECISIVE. 

A WEALTHY Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave toquit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission totravel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the followinganswer:

"Dear Ephraim, "Nothing but death shall part us. 

"FREDERICK. "

THEATRICAL CRITICISM. 

WHEN Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A fewdays after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him inthe part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it. " "_Ithink, _" said Garrick, "_that you struck out all the beauties in it. _"

A MISTAKE. 

FREDRICK I. Of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, waswont to ask him, "How old are you?--how long have you been in myservice?--have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchmanwho had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer ofthe questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answersready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed thequestions:

Q. How long have you been in my service?

A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty. 

Q. How old are you?

A. One year. 

The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool. " Thesoldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay andclothing, replied, "_Both_, and please your majesty. "

CONSOLATION. 

AN Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one ofthe late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unluckysoldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made aterrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such anoise for? _Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?_"

SEVERAL NEGATIVES. 

"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't wantto hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't. "

DIFFERENT LINES. 

A PERSON arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friendafter their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had themisfortune to be hanged during his absence:

"How is Tom Moody?"

"He is dead. "

"He was in the grocery line when I left this. "

"He was in quite a different _line_ when he died. "

NEGRO WIT. 

A JAMAICA PLANTER, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the_illuminating_ Bardolph, was taking his _siesta_ after dinner, when amosquito lighting on his _proboscis_, instantly flew back. "Aha! massamosquito, " cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "_you burn your foot!_"

THEATRICAL BON-MOT. 

IN a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in hercommunication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened tobe, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, there is nobody to hear us. "

CONCISENESS. 

LOUIS XIV. Traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, heasked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, "Bruges--Paris--a benefice. " "You shall have it. "

ALLIES WILL FALL OUT. 

A GENTLEMAN having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to hisservant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; onopening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of themdead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master forputting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger ofthem hurting each other, as they were going to fight _on the same side_. 

CATCHING A TARTAR. 

AN Irish soldier called out to his companion:

"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner. "

"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"

"He won't come. "

"Then come yourself. "

"_He won't let me. _"

ANTIGALLICAN. 

A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glassof brandy and water; "But, " said he, "bring me none of your cursed_French stuff_. " The waiter said respectfully, "_Genuine British_, Sir, I assure you. "

IMPRACTICABILITY. 

A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the otheranswered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once. "

A DIALOGUE. 

THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing theviolin, the following hits took place:

_W. _ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with thisfiddling. 

_S. _ Sir, I endeavor to _keep time_. 

_W. _ You mean rather to _kill time_. 

_S. _ No, I only _beat time_. 

AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT. 

A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of thepart of Lara. "To do justice to that part, " said she, "the actressshould be young and handsome. " "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of the contrary. "

A COMMAND ANTICIPATED. 

IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, was ordered to form _two deep_. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm_too deep_ already; I am up to the middle. "

A SMALL MISTAKE. 

AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the _Sphinx_ alluded to in company, whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man. ""Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "_aMunster-man_! I thought he was from Connaught. "

A HOME TRUTH. 

WHEN the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court ofBerlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention tohis Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That herfortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was atBerlin. " The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with theworst part of her Grace's property. "

SHINING WIT. 

A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to theIrish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the_polish_ you have is on your boots, and that I gave you. "

A FATAL STEP PREVENTED. 

A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God blessyour ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing myresolution. " The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, askedwhat he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I shouldhave been obliged to go _to work_. "

A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED. 

A SAILOR being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is _round_;now I have been all _round_ it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is _asflat as a pancake_. "

A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER. 

FEW persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference thatexists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of theWestern States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenesthat would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors arenot, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is givento charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law andjudges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced bythe judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take placebetween members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even amongthe most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily allviolations of law and propriety. The following circumstances whichoccurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eyewitness of the whole transaction. 

Several years since, Judge R. , a native of Connecticut, was holding acourt at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. D. , then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member ofCongress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present togive it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D. 's argument, helet fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked andreprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D. , accustomed to unrestrained license oftongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language. 

"Mr. Clerk, " said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. D. "

"By ----, " said Mr. D. ; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, andI'll swear as much as I ----please. "

"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk. "

"I'll see the devil have your whole generation, " rejoined Mr. D. , "before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper. "

"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk. "

"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by ----there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon. "

"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk. "

"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. With some bitterness, "you are trifling withme, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it. "

"Mr. Clerk, " said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollarsmore to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D. , the moneymust be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison. "

The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; andbefore night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his mightto the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court wasterminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through themercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid hisfine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released. 

He now breathed nothing but vengeance. 

"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel, " said he, "that a member of theKentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity. "

The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. Repairedto take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. Isas remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, andintegrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophicindifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judgenoticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscularstrength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. Heobserved also that Mr. D. , supported by three or four friends, followedhard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible--the strangermeantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer andthe Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the strangersticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistantskeeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, the curiosity of Judge R. To learn something respecting the purposes ofthe modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to hisroom, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view inwatching his movements thus pertinaciously. 

"Why, you see, " said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that mighthave freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big SandyRiver; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. Theytelled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give youa lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to giveyou fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only saythe word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quartpot. "

Mr. D. Soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, andwithdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon theJudge. 

JUDGE PETERS. 

ON his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied inthe barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhattroublesome, and from his advanced age, &c. , the General felt andexpressed some solicitude lest his companion should experienceinconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollectthat I am a JUDGE--I do not regard the DUST, I am accustomed to it. Thelawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house. "

WITTY APOLOGY. 

A PHYSICIAN calling one day on a gentleman who had been severelyafflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, andthe patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Comealong, doctor, " exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time totaste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has justbeen broached. " "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira willnever do; they are the cause of all your suffering. " "Well, then, "rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we havefound out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better. "

BENEVOLENCE. 

"TAKE a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the SpikeSociety?" "Well, y-e-a-s!--don't care much though for the orphans, but_I goes in strong for the widows_!"

MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION. 

MRS. PARTINGTON, after listening to the reading of an advertisement fora young ladies' boarding school, said:

"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knewall about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now theyare to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition ofsycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to saynothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thussaying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell inher lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation. 

OBEYING ORDERS. 

A CERTAIN General of the United States Army, supposing his favoritehorse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him. 

"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat. 

"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me noquestions. "

Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned. 

"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general. 

"Skinning your horse, your honor. "

"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"

"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catchthe horse. "

"Catch him! Fires and furies--was he alive?"

"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know. "

"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"

"To be sure I did, your honor--and sure you know I must obey orderswithout asking questions. "

A REASON. 

AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. The investiture of anEcclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, _Domine, non sum dignus. _--"Lord, I am not worthy. " "I know that wellenough, " replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of mycousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you. "

CANVASSING. 

AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote. 

"I would rather vote for the devil than you, " was the reply. 

"But in case your friend is not a candidate, " said the solicitor, "mightI then count on your assistance?"

WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY. 

AN anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys, " is going therounds in Dublin. Mr. ---- is a man of aldermanic proportions. Hechartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, anddrove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for thedistance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place oftaking the money which Mr. ----held in his hands, he busied himselfputting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at theback of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shookostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head withit. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprisedat the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole ofthese proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" Towhich the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to theinfinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I coverthe horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn'twant to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so farfor sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his readyjoke. 

A CONSEQUENCE. 

A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him withdrugs, that he was _sick_ for a fortnight after he was _quite well_. 

A SEA CHAPLAIN. 

THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, aScotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry toinform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much thebetter, " said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a_British clergyman_?" "_Why, because I believe I am the first captainthat ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all. _"

THE MODEST BARRISTER. 

A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case ofassault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give thedefendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learnedcounsel, had not _impudence_ enough to repeat? She replied in theaffirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough, " said he, "to tell theCourt what these words were?" "Why, Sir, " replied she, "if _you_ havenot _impudence_ enough to speak them, how can you suppose that _I_have?"

A DISTINCTION. 

A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house, " said thelady. "It cannot be complied with, " was the reply. "Do you know who Iam, Sir?" "No, Madam. " "I am the Captain's _lady_. " "_If you were hiswife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!_"

CONSEQUENCE. 

A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath hisdignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he wastaking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewherediscussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. Atlength the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. "Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for thehouse!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, Sir, that you was no gentleman. "

Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glassof brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and afterdrinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir, " saidthe waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition:call your master. " The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence isthe price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to thatcharacter trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to getrid of them. "

PROOF OF CIVILIZATION. 

A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked ifhe thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of thepossibility of it, " said he, "I have known negroes who thought as littleof a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European whatever. "

MAN AND BEAST. 

"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night, " said a dandifiedsnob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation thenfor man and beast, " replied a bystander. 

SATISFACTORY PROOF. 

A NOBLE, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the authorof a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high inoffice, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other wouldnot be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore tookthe pen and began, "_This is to scratify, that the buk called the ----_""Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that yourlordship did not write the book. "

LANGUAGES CHARACTERIZED. 

CHARLES V. , speaking of the different languages of Europe, thusdescribed them: "The _French_ is the best language to speak to one'sfriend--the _Italian_ to one's mistress--the _English_ to thepeople--the _Spanish_ to God--and the _German_ to a horse. "

CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL. 

WHY is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing hissweetheart? Do you give it up?

Because it takes so long to get enough of it. 

DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE. 

BOB PICKERING, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" roundhis "squeeze, " was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing. 

_Mr. Davis_, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:--About an hourbefore he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard aloud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite littledog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisonerin the act of conveying it into the street in his arms. 

_Mr. Dyer:_ What have you to say? You are charged with attempting tosteal the dog. 

_Prisoner:_ (_affecting a look of astonishment_)--Vot, me _steal_ a dog?Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent ofsitch an hadwenture. Here's the _factotal_ of the consarn as I'm ahonest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this herepoor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and alooking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this heresittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot acussed shame, " says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithouta nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man, " says he, "if I vos you if Ivouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and, "says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so _werry honest_ and sowerry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it aha'porth of wittles. " Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vithhis demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of_bowwow_ grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants toswear as how I vos arter _prigging_ on it!

_Mr. Dyer:_ How do you get your living?

_Prisoner:_ Vorks along vith my father and mother--and lives vith myrelations wot's perticler respectable. 

_Mr. Dyer:_ Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner?

_Policeman:_ The prisoner's three brothers were transported lastsession, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisonerhas been a dog-stealer for years. 

_Prisoner:_ Take care vot you say--if you proves your vords, vy mycarrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "littlevun in" ven I comes out of _quod_. 

_Mr. Dyer:_ What is the worth of the dog?

_Mr. Davis:_ It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed. 

_Prisoner:_ There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog--now is itfeasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal?

The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, as he committed him to prison for three months. 

A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION. 

A SCOTCHMAN who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. "Troth, man, " replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was mucklebetter aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the halenicht. "

THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS. 

A SMALL-MADE MAN, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-coloredmustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably goodimitation of a "Polish militaire, " came before the commissioners toestablish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for awhole-length likeness of one _Mister_ Robert White, a member of the"black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers. 

The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from allthe genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, itwas quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson tosuit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public. "

Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts, " itappeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose ofcaricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying fromfive to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the"Vulcan's Head, " where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightlyto assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots ofBarclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and havingsolicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendantwas sitting, and was offered a shilling for a _full-length_ likeness. This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, providedthe artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"--red velvetsmalls--nankeen gaiters--sky-blue waistcoat--canary wipe--andfull-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back_open and shet_ afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch areg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait. "

The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide bythe agreement. 

"Vy, my lords and gemmen, " said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloudbehind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy, ' and thinking sitch a consarnvould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob, ' and be my pot tohis'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wotI'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it shouldbe a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw _phisogomony_ under _SirPeter Laurie_. "

"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was SirThomas Lawrence. "

"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this herepersecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy inmy fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a_bull with a belly-ache_. " (_Laughter. _)

The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. Oninspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did presentan ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimouslyof opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant'scountenance. 

"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, he's draw'd me vith a _bunch of ingans_ a sticking out of my pocket. I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in mypockets. "

"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist--"I'll submit it to anygentleman who is a _real_ judge of the 'fine arts, ' whether that(_pointing to the appendage_) can be taken for any thing else than thegentleman's _watch-seals_. "

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's agood 'un--I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none--so thepictur can't be _like_ me. "

The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; andbeing of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sumsought, and costs. 

The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a manundergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and takingup his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch onSundays. "

RETORT COURTEOUS. 

SOON after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to thiscountry, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hatswith courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service ofthe Lord. " "I am sorry to hear it, " said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!"was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distancefrom each other, touched their hats and passed on. 

TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG. 

"YOU see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and acorresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged ofits contents. "

"Bless my soul, " cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements theydo make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end andsucked. "

ACCOMMODATING BOARDER. 

THE landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, thesleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to payyour bill, and you _must_. I've asked you for it often enough; and Itell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!"said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement ofit; I'll stay with you as long as I live!"

ACCOMMODATING COOK. 

_Mistress:_ "I think, cook, we must part this day month. "

_Cook:_ (in astonishment)--"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave yourown way in most everything?"

GOOD SHOT. 

A SON of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in thewoods, and shot him. 

"By me soul and St. Patrick, " he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of allthe rabbits. "

BILLINGSGATE RHETORIC. 

AN action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between twoBillingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity ofdisplaying much small wit. 

The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs, labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and thatwhile she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which wereafterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davisgrossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people, called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobriousepithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on thevalue and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin, consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord, " continued he, "isas dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm wetread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vitalfaculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not thefeelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod, ' and 'dainty fresh salmon, 'be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Anotheraggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his clientwas an _Old Maid_; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foulword applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His clientwas not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and berestored to that _place_ in society she had so long maintained. 

The Judge inquired if that was the _sole_ object of the plaintiff, orwas it not rather baiting with a _sprat_ to catch a _herring_?

Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant. 

The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the oppositeside had been _floundering_ for some time, and he could not but thinkthat Mrs. Isaacs was a _flat fish_ to come into court with such anaction. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwomancomplaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and thewords spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) werenothing more than the customary language, the _lex non scripta_, bywhich all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sitfor the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittingswould be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel atmidsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suitat Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, thelearned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a _shrimp_. 

Verdict. Damages, _One Penny_. 

HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY. 

RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors ofPennsylvania, under the old régime, probably the most deservedlypopular, --in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John beingat that time governor, ) was on the most familiar and intimate terms witha number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certainoccasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congressobserved, that such was the crisis, "they must all _hang together_. " "Ifyou do not, gentlemen, " said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will bevery apt to _hang separately_. "

WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN. 

IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried inthe Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor forthe appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late ofWest Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen blackeye--a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, wascalled to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, ifit contained anything of importance, would have great weight with thecourt and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. Andwhen she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe--"Webster roared out:

"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!"

Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir, " andwent on with her testimony. 

And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursuedthe even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of theresult, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his largesnuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carryingthe deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and thenextracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed tohis feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a reportthat rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall. 

_Webster:_ Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman?

_Mrs. Greenough:_ I cannot give you very full information as to that, Sir; she had one very dirty trick. 

_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am?

_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff!

The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of theConstitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample timeto reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrownon his head by a woman. 

A TEMPERANCE LECTURE. 

"DADDY, I want to ask you a question. " "Well, my son. " "Why is neighborSmith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son. ""Because you can't pass it, " said the boy. 

A DARNED SUBJECT. 

A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darnedstockings. " Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ lookmuch worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't!

GO IT. 

IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old"brick, " lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritualmanner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was goingup. " "Let it go up, " said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flourkin--any day. "

TAPPING. 

A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained uponhim, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstainentirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged fromdrinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to hisfriends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who hadbeen consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they hadjust come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please, "said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my housethat lasted long. "

The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died thenext day. 

DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 

A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel, just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, andunderstanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he couldnot be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise themysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on hishands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards andbegan to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number ofingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now, "said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack downupon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack ofhearts at the first attempt. " Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in apea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! Butstop; let me see if all's right. " Then taking up and inspecting it, asif to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to thetable, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out ajack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c. , till he produced a roll ofbank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander;the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literallycutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air oftriumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack ofhearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for hereit is, safe and sound. " At the same time producing the card from hispocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending toexamine the pack, to see if it was "all right. " The company wereconvulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain toconfess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee. _"

A HIGH AUTHORITY. 

MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood hiscolleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, andwho had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that thecase under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then, "said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a _high_ authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitterfor the steeple. "

MISTAKEN THIS TIME. 

COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a mostpleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was knownby a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told ofhim in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger oftheir previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands withhim, saying--

"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir. "

"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning. "

"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"

"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"

"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"

"I am an unmarried man, Sir. "

"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"

"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born. "

"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir. "

ONE OF THE BOYS. 

NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, andthe "dear boy, " Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored withpermission to be seen in the parlor. 

"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaboratelygotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the littlefellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to hishuge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to theladies and gentlemen--

"Lookee here, " said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, that's _me_!"

The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentencedelivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of theevening. 

BOY ALL OVER. 

A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy'sschool, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some ofa peculiar sort. The following are specimens:

"_On Industry. _--It is bad for a man to be _idol_. Industry is the bestthing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desiredit long, and without the site. Finis. "

"_On the Seasons. _--There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, andWinter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, butas for me, --give me liberty, or give me death. The End. "--_OliveBranch. _

PREPARATION FOR DINING. 

AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found himengaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady ofthe house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly, " was thereply; "he's just sharpening his teeth. "

POETRY AND PRIGGING. 

BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" incharacter, a strong analogy exists--and that list of "petty larcenyrogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include theParnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poetsappears to be--that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor amongthieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is asold as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as amathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions bequestioned, the following case will justify our assertion. 

Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over apolice bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for pettythefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler andginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" fromhis stall. 

The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall wassituated--that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"--was soinfested with "young _warmint_" that he found it utterly impossible toturn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off hisboard for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on thelook-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his nextinspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened tocast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very greatastonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the worldas if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about tofollow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and themystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquentmaking a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop, " the cork ofwhich had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smartadministration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents ofhis pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discoverythat the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinnerthat morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot;all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result ofhis morning's legerdemain labor. 

Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that theywere quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, ordered that he should be detained for the present. 

The boy when removed to the lock-up room--a place which familiarity withhad taught him to regard with indifference--amused himself by givingvent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, which he scratched on the wall:

 "Him as prigs wot isn't _his'n_-- Ven he's cotched--vill go to _pris'n_. "

NAUTICAL SERMON. 

WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had thefollowing bold apostrophe in his sermon:

"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over asmooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloudarising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distantthunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a stormgathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash againstthe ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! Theship is on her beam ends! What next?"

It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on thedeep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices andminds, and exclaimed, "_Take to the long boat. _"

BREVET MAJOR. 

A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember yourface, but I forget your name. " The tailor whispered in a low tone--"Imade your breeches. " The nobleman, taking him by the hand, exclaimed--"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you. "

ADVERTIZING HIGH. 

A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen ofnight: "I'm blessed, " said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisementon the moon!"

COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 

GOVERNOR S---- was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of theirseven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accusedof horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. Thejury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in theireyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up tothe prisoner and said:

"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal thathorse?"

"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I'veheard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!"

LARGE SNAKE. 

AN Indian came to a certain "agency, " in the northern part of Iowa, toprocure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with arattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but theearnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame hisscruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much hewanted. 

"Four quarts, " answered the Indian. 

"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?"

"Yes, " replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowningas savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "fourquarts--_snake very big_. "

DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION. 

BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the"order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor ofhaving attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying offa portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of thedust contractor. 

"Please your lordship's grace, " said the dust contractor's deputy, "master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off ourbeat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if nobody had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vosout in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slipdown his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff intovon of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, andcollers both on 'em vith master's property. "

_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say indefence?

_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud. 

_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust?

_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps hisludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if hisludship's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so, my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship'sairy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us havea shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, andjest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up andlugs us avay to this here hoffice. 

_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined10_l. _ Have you got 10_l. _ a-piece?

_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I shouldlike to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. Allas ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to theother_)--you got any capital, Bill?

_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a bakedtater. 

Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power hadbeen granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully providedfor the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penaltywould, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case. 

The fine of 10_l. _ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment. 

ARBOREAL. 

A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had hisgenealogical tree. 

"I don't know, " he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say Ihave that one. I will ask my gardener. "

EXPLICIT. 

IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:--

"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, with a son or daughter. "

BAD COUGH. 

A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very badcough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of themremarked in a tone of displeasure--

"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours. "

"True, Sir, " replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the bestI've got. "

JUSTICE. 

A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workmanescaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of thedeceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought totrial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit aword in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfoundedhostility, gave the following judgment:

"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, andlet the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fallupon him. Thus will justice be satisfied. "

The brother withdrew his suit. 

POSTHUMOUS. 

AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. "They are such works, " says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he isdead. "

AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS. 

KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the Decembernumber we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B. , of New Haven, is atalented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable"fluids. " The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each wasanxious to "take a nip, " but (one for example, and the other in dread ofhurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in thepresence of the other. "Sam, " said the Judge, "I'll take a shortwalk--be back shortly. " "All right, " replied Sam, and after seeing theold gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, andordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered, and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, though viewless, ) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and theJudge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Samstepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to takehis pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed outto him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admirationfor his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julepto cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't. "

LIBERALITY. 

"PLEASE, Sir, " said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "youhave given me a bad sixpence. " "Never mind, " was the reply, "you maykeep it for your honesty. "

PEDANTRY REPROVED. 

A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vainof his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity thatoffered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiteratecompanions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having justarrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board ofthe ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased witheverything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superiorknowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew'sface, replied, "Hoc est _quid_. "

BON MOT. 

MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as hispractice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather anextraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister inthe Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on hismisfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity ofthe thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend, " replied Bethel, "for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost. "

CAUSE OF GRIEF. 

AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dryher tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear, " said she, "the thought of it makes me weep. "

WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN. 

A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of thecountry, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockeytrying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him abroken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad characterof the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautiousof the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined thepurchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had muchrather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargainsbetween man and man, in this way. " "Well, " replied the parson, "if youhad been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heardme preach. " "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the StatePrison, " returned the clergyman. 

COUNSEL AND WITNESS. 

A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, wasrepeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; atlength he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir, " said the counsel, "forwhat reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid therascally impertinence of _dunning_, " answered the witness. 

WORKING A PASSAGE. 

A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to leadthe horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination, he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage inAmerica. "

TIMOTHY DEXTER. 

ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I wasborn, " says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones, )"1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in thesigns of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood byto hold the candle. I was born to be a great man. "

Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned ahouse and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, was converted into a shop and tan-yard. 

By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchaseof a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest whichhe bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on thepound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings onthe pound. 

His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of _warming pans_ tothe _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on primecost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased alarge quantity of _whalebone for ships' stays_, --the article rose invalue upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage. 

Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularitybecame the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gavelarge donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote inhis praise. 

His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style andsplendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up anelegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house withnumerous figures of illustrious personages. 

By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones, " inthe following ludicrous style:

"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first LordDexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed itthey give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetchit wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I havea grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel ofReason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous pantedwith white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimingsEight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was sosolmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my housis Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for salefor seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me

TIMOTHY DEXTER. "

Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was adeist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age. 

TELEGRAPH. 

A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, andhow is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and themeasles. "

CONUNDRUMS. 

WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon. 

When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_)

When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to themeasure. 

Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because hewaited for his trunk. 

Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are_many_ bony parts. 

NEAT REPLY. 

A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one andseated her. "Oh, you're a jewel, " said she. "Oh, no, " replied he, "I'm ajeweller--I have just set the jewel. " Could there have been anythingmore gallant than that?

ON THE STUMP. 

A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, noWest, no North, no South. 

"Then, " said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn yourgeography. "

LITERARY HUSBAND. 

"I WISH, " said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was abook. " "I wish you were--an _almanac_, " replied her lord, "and then Iwould get a new one every year. " Just then the silk rustled. 

ECONOMY. 

"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before awhole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire yourchildren to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleepyou'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the nextnight!"

A TRICK. 

THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and getsome beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. "Give me the money, then, father, " replied the son. 

"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it withoutmoney, that is a trick. "

So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placingthe jug before his father, said, "Drink. "

"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"

"To drink beer out of a jug, " says the boy, "where there is beer, anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is nobeer, that is a trick!"

QUICK TIME. 

A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he waspaying his addresses. 

"Pray, Miss D----, " said he, "what time do you prefer?"

"Oh, " she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker thebetter. "

STRONG AFFECTION. 

THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, wherethe boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he hasmany of his own ribs broken that very way. 

VERY AFFECTING. 

A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art ofreading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the publicstreets as a "poor widow with eight small children. "

HARD SHAVE. 

"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving agentleman from the country. "Yes, " replied the customer, with tears inhis eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent. "

COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER. 

CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Ciceroreplied, "Can your mother tell yours?"

A SAUCY DOCTOR. 

"Why, doctor, " said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that youare giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right, " replied the doctor, "what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. "

EXPOSING A PARSON. 

A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism beforethe congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, astrapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, inwaiting upon customers. 

"What is your name?"

No reply. 

"What is your name?" he repeated, "None of your fun, Mr. Minister, " said the girl; "you know my name wellenough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bringme some more ale?'"

The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in abroad grin, and the parson looked daggers. 

NATURAL HISTORY. 

"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fightthe rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowserstorn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging bytheir tails to the clothes line. "