[Illustration: "'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop. '" FRONTISPIECE(_Seepage 21. _)]

 Susan Clegg And a Man in the House

 BY ANNE WARNER

 Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop, " "A Woman's Will, " "The Rejuvenation of Aunt Mary, " "Seeing France with Uncle John, " etc. 

 _Illustrated from Drawings by_ ALICE BARBER STEPHENS

 Boston Little, Brown, and Company 1907

_Copyright, 1906_, By Katharine N. Birdsall

_Copyright, 1907_, By The Butterick Company, Ltd. 

_Copyright, 1907_, By Little, Brown, and Company

_All rights reserved_

Published October, 1907

GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS. , U. S. A. 

CONTENTS

CHAPTER PAGE

I. Man's Proposal 1

II. Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box 20

III. The First Issue of the Newspaper 32

IV. Settling down after the Honeymoon 43

V. Susan Clegg's Full Day 64

VI. The Editor's Advice Column 85

VII. Mrs. Macy and the Convention 98

VIII. The Biennial 113

IX. The Far Eastern Tropics 128

X. The Evils of Delayed Decease 142

XI. The Democratic Party 156

XII. The Trials of Mrs. Macy 168

XIII. Monotony of Ministerial Monologues 200

XIV. Advisability of Newspaper Exposures 212

XV. The Trial of a Sick Man in theHouse 223

XVI. The Beginning of the End 235

XVII. An Old-fashioned Fourth 251

XVIII. Celebrating Independence Day 261

XIX. Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg'sHouse 273

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

"'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop. '" _Frontispiece_

 PAGE

"'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I was a delegateor an alternative'" 119

"'Mrs. Macy was just about plumparalyzed at _that_'" 179

"'The bottom come out an' the duckflew down the car'" 188

Susan Clegg And a Man in the House

CHAPTER I

MAN'S PROPOSAL

Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever since her father's death. She had notbeen unhappy in dwelling alone, although she had been a good daughter aslong as she had a parent to live with. When the parent departed, andindeed some few days before his going, there had arisen a kind of aquestion as to the possibility of a life-companion for the daughter whomust inevitably be left orphaned and lonely before long. The questionhad arisen in a way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and had beendisposed of in the same manner. [A] The fact is that Miss Clegg hadherself proposed to four men and been refused four times. Then herfather had died, and, upon the discovery that he was better endowed withworldly wealth than folks had generally supposed, all four had hastenedto bring a return suit at once. But Miss Clegg had also had her mindaltered by the new discovery and refused them all. From that time tothis period of which I am about to write there had never been anyfurther question in her mind as to the non-advisability of having a manin the house. 

[A] See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop. "

"As far as I can see, " she said confidentially to her friend, Mrs. Lathrop, who lived next door, "men are not what they are cracked up tobe. There ain't but one woman as looks happy in this whole community andthat's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she looks so happy that at first glance shelooks full as much like a fool as anythin'. The minister's wife don'tlook happy, --she looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds an' lugshome for you to brush up, --an' goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't lookhappy an' she ain't happy neither, for she told me herself yesterday assince Mr. Fisher had got this new idea of developin' his chest withJapanese Jimmy Jig-songs, an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar everymornin', that life hadn't been worth livin' for the wall paper in herroom. She ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' an' Japanesejiggin' an' she says only to think how proud she was to marry the prizeboy at school an' look at what's come of it. She asked me if I hearabout his goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a book on how to makeyour hair grow by pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' thengettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' on to how to make youreyebrows grow by pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that they'dunhooked his car an' left it behind, until it got too dark to read anyfurther--"

"Why, what--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who was the best of listeners, andnever interjectional except under the highest possible pressure ofcuriosity. 

"There was n't nothin' for him to do except to put his thumb in at theplace where the eyebrows was, an' get down out of the car, an' then shetold me, would you believe that with her an' John Bunyan in their secondhour of chasin' around like a pair of crazy cockroaches because he wasn't on the city train when he said he'd come, he very calmly went up toa hotel an' took a room for the night? An' she says that ain't the worstof it whatever you may think, for he was so interested in the book thathe wanted to keep right on readin', an' as the light was too high an' hehad n't no way to lower it, he just highered himself by puttin' arockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center table, an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' until he felt to go to bed. Shesays, would n't that drive a good wife right out beside her own mind? Tothink of a man like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on top of a tablean' never even gettin' a scare. Why, she says you know an' I know thatif he'd been the husband of a poor widow or the only father of adeserving family, of course he'd have rocked off an' goodness knowswhat, but bein' as he was _her_ husband with a nice life insurance an'John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs must strike the one rockerin the world as is hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her sorrowin'arms the next mornin'! Oh my, but she says, the shock she got! They wasso sure that somethin' had happened to him that she an' John had planneda little picnic trip to the city to leave word with the police first an'visit the Zoölogical Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you can judgeof their feelin's when they was waitin' all smiles an' sunshine fortheir train, with a nice lunch done up under John's arm, an' he got downfrom the other train without no preparation a _tall_. She said she doneall she could under the circumstances, for she burst out cryin' in spiteof herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as always fits in handy anywhere, an' then she says they had nothin' in the wide world to do but to gohome an' explain away the hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best theycould. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive her for He knows betterthan she ever will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher awarded to heras her just and lawful punishment these last five and twenty years; an', she says, will you only think how awful easy, as long as he got on thetable of his own free will an' without her even puttin' him up to it, itwould have been for him to of rocked off an' goodness knows what. Shesays she is a Christian, an' she don't wish even her husband any illwind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak outfrank an' open to you about it because a man in the house _is_ a man inthe house, an' I want to take men into very careful consideration beforeI go a step further towards lettin one have the right to darken my doorswhenever he comes home to bed an' board--"

Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair at this startling finale to herneighbor's talk and her little black eyes gleamed brightly. 

"Bed and bo--" she cried. 

"He'll have father's room, if I take him, of course, " said Susan, "but Iain't sure yet that I'll take him. You know all I stood with father, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't really know as I can stand any more sadmemories connected with that room. You know how it was with Jathropyourself, too, an' how happy and peaceful life has been since he litout, an' I ain't sure that--My heavens alive! I forgot to tell you thatMr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the city when he was up thereyesterday!"

"Saw Ja--" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. Jathrop was her son who had fled fromthe town some years before, his departure being marked by peculiarlyharrowing circumstances, and of whom or from whom she had never heardone word since. 

"Mr. Dill was n't sure, " said Susan; "he said the more he thought aboutit the more sure he was that he was n 't sure a _tall_. He saw the manin a seed-office where he went to buy some seed, an' he said if it _was_Jathrop he's took another name because another name was on the officedoor. He said what made him think as it was Jathrop was he jumped sowhen he see Mr. Dill. Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of a boxof cigars an' his own idea was as he jumped because they was n't hiscigars. Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when he thanked him he said, 'Don't mention it, ' an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as they wasn't his cigars, for if they was his cigars why under heaven should hehave minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill said another reason asmade him think as it was Jathrop was as he never asked about you, --butthen if he was n't Jathrop he naturally would n't have asked about youeither. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. Dill said he was n't a bitsure, Mr. Dill said it was really all a mystery to him, but two thingshe _could_ swear to, an' one of those was as this man is a full headtaller than Jathrop an' the other was as he's a Swede, so I guess it'spretty safe not to be him. "

Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan went on with her tale as calmly asever. 

"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I told Mr. Kimball I'd think itover an' consult you before I give him any answer a _tall_. I could seehe did n't want to give me time to think it over or to consult you forfear I'd change my mind, but when you ain't made up your mind, changin'it is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself an' I won't begin now. Hurryin' leads to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself on nailsan' a many other things as makes me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' Iwon't hurry never. I shall take my own time, an' take my own time abouttakin' it, too, an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't think he canask me things as is more likely to change my whole life than not tochange it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like it was n't nogreater matter than a sparrow hoppin' his tail around on a fence. Iain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken neither an' I don't intend todecide my affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not even if you wasadvisin' me the same as Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know how muchI think of your advice even if you have yet to give me the first pieceas I can see my way to usin', for I will say this for your advice, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that advice as is easier left untook than yours is, never yet was given. "

Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a feeble attempt to rally her forces, but long before they were rallied Susan was off again:

"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what I said to Mr. Kimball in the endwas wise or not. I did n't say right out as I would, but I said I wouldmaybe for a little while. I thought a little while would give me theinside track of what a long while would be pretty sure to mean. I don'tknow as it was a good thing to do but it's done now, so help me Heaven;an' if I can't stand him I always stand by my word, so he'll get threemonths' board anyhow an' I'll learn a little of what it would mean tohave a man in the house. "

"A man in--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering herself sufficiently toillustrate her mental attitude by what in her case always answered thepurposes of a start. 

"That's what I said, " said Susan, "an' havin' said it Mr. Kimball canrely on Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now. "

"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved. 

"Elijah Doxey, " repeated Susan. "That's his name. I ain't surprised overyour bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause I was all dumb did up myselfat first. I never was more dumb or more did up since I was a baby, butafter the way as Mr. Kimball sprung shock after shock on me last night Igot so paralyzed in the end that his name cut very little figger besideour havin' a newspaper of our own, right here in our midst, an' mehavin' the editor to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's nephew, an' Mr. Kimball havin' a nephew as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never havin'seen fit to mention the fact to any of us in all these many years aswe've been friends on an' off an' us always buyin' from him whenever wewas n't more friends with Mr. Dill. "

"I nev--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, nor no one else ever heard of him neither. The first of it all waswhen he came up last night to see would I board him, an' of course whenI understood as it was me as was goin' to have to take him in I neverrested till I knowed hide an' hair of who I was to take in down to thelast button on Job's coat. "

"And wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself; an' I tell you I workedhard findin' it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill to pump when itcomes to where he gets relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as he had asister though as married a Doxey an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey. Seems Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a place on one of thebiggest city papers in a little while, but in the mean time he's justlost the place that he did have on one of the smallest ones an', as aconsequence, his mother thought he'd better spend this summer in thecountry an' so sent him up to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he reallydid n't sense all it meant at first when Elijah arrived at noonyesterday but he said he had n't talked with him long afore he see asthis was our big chance 'cause the paper as Elijah was on paid him offwith a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball says, if we back him up, wecan begin right now to have a paper of our own an' easy get to be whatthey call a 'state issue. ' It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready tobe a state issue; he says the printin' press is a four horse-power an'he's sure as he can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the wringer theday he goes to press. Mr. Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'llregard it as nothin' but child's play to wring off his grocery bill thatway. I don't know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to that--or Lucy eitherfor that matter--but Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows best that I seeit was n't no time to pull Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears. Mr. Kimball says he's been turnin' it over in his mind's eye ever sinceyesterday when he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just mad withideas an' says he 's willin' to make us known far an' wide if we'll onlygive him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we all ought to feel ready to admitthat it's time we was more than a quarter of a column a week in the_Meadville Mixture_. He says the _Meadville Mixture_ ain't never beenfair to us an' Judge Fitch says it ain't got right views as to itsforeign policy. Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went back to townyesterday afternoon he went up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitchsaid if we had a paper of our own he'd be more than willin' to write aeditorial occasionally himself, a editorial as would open thepresident's eyes to the true hiddenness of things, an' set the Germanemperor to thinkin', an' give the czar some insight into what Americaknows about _him_. 

"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of consolidation an' if we had a paperthe Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville people'd naturally join inan' take it too. He says he's figured that if he can start out with ahundred paid-up subscribers of a dollar each he can make a go of it. Hesays Elijah says set him up the press an' _he_ don't ask no better funthan to live on bread an' water while he jumps from peak to peak offame, but Mr. Kimball says Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall wantthe paid-up subscriptions himself afore he begins to transport aprintin' press around the country. 

"I told him he could count on you an' me takin' one between us before Iknowed what was really the main object of his visit, an' then when hecome out with what _was_ the main object of his visit, an' when I sensedwhat he was after I must say I considered as he should have made thathis first word an' give me my paper for nothin', --seein' as the whole ofthe thing is got to rest right on me, for I don't know what _is_ thebottom of a newspaper if it ain't the woman as boards the editor. Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimballopenly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a genius an' can't live in anyhouse where there's other folks or any noise but his own. Mr. Kimballsaid it seemed as if a good angel had made me for the town to turn to inits bitter need an' that it was on me as the new newspaper would have tobuild its reputation in its first sore strait; an' he said too as hewould in confidence remark as my influence on Elijah's ideas would bewhat he should be really lookin' to to make the paper a success, for hesays as Elijah is very young an' will be wax in my hands an' I can moldhim an' public opinion right along together. He said he really did n'tlook for him to be any great trouble to feed because he'd be out pickin'up items most of the time, an' then too, he says he can always give hima handful of his new brand of dried apples as is advertised to be mostpuffin' an' fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, he told me as he'ddeveloped the process now to where if you eat two small pieces you feellike you never wanted another Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live. "

"And so--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly, Susan pausing an instant forbreath just here. 

"Well, in the end I said I would, for three months. I don't know as Iwas wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty for three months. I'm tiredof seein' the Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us called 'Dabs'in that _Meadville Mixture_, an' last week you remember how they speltit wrong an' called us 'Dubs, ' which is far from my idea of politeness. It was being mad over that as much as anythin' that made me up an' tellMr. Kimball as I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an' look to do whatI could to make the paper a success for three months. I told him as itwas trustin' in the dark, for Elijah was a unknown quantity to me an' Inever did like the idea of a man around my nice, clean house, but I saidif he'd name the Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so get even forour feelin's last week I'd do my part by feedin' him an' makin' up hisbed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed as my heart an' my brains wasboth in the right place, an' then he got up an' shook hands an' told meas he would in confidence remark as he expected to make a very goodthing all round for he was gettin' the printin' press awful cheap andElijah likewise. "

"When--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up freight with the printin' press. Mr. Kimball says he suggested that himself. He says it cuts two birdswith one knife for it makes it look as if the printin' press was extrafine instead of second-hand, an' it gets Elijah here for nothin'. "

"Dear--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I would, too, " said Miss Clegg, "only you see I have n't got time. Iought not to be here now. I ought to be over gettin' his room ready an'takin' out the little comforts. As far as my order of thinkin' goes, little comforts is lost on men, Mrs. Lathrop, they always trip over theman' smash them in the dark. "

CHAPTER II

ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX

"Well, " suggested Mrs. Lathrop one pleasant Saturday morning, a few dayslater, when she and her friend met at the fence. Miss Clegg lookedslightly fretted and more than slightly warm, for she had been givingher garden an uncommonly vigorous weeding on account of an uncommonlyvigorous shower which had fallen the afternoon before. The weeding hadbeen so strenuous that Miss Clegg was quite disposed to stop and rest, and as she joined her neighbor and read the keen interest that neverfailed to glow in the latter's eyes, her own expression softenedslightly and she took up her end of the conversation with her customarycapability at giving forth. 

"I don't know, " she began, "an' Mr. Kimball don't know either. Elijahwas tellin' me all about it last night. He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop, but I don't know but what it pays to have a man around when you can havethem to talk to like I have him. Of course a new broom sweeps clean an'I've no intention of supposin' that Elijah will ever keep on coverin'his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but so far so good, an' last nightit was real pleasant to hear the rain an' him together tellin' how muchtrouble they're havin', owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic wringin'the handle of the printin' press an' then to think as when he was alldone talkin' it would be him an' not me as in common decency would haveto go out in the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, asthey're really havin' no end o' trouble over the new paper an' Elijah'sreal put out. He says Hiram had a idea as the more the speed the betterthe paper an' was just wringin' for dear life, an' the first thing heknew the first issue begin to slide a little cornerways an' slid offinto a crank as Elijah never knowed was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimballspent the whole of yesterday runnin' around like mad an' no way to fixit. As a consequence Elijah's very much afraid as there'll be no paperthis week an' it's too bad, for every one is in town spendin' the dayan' waitin' to take it home with them. Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feeljust awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five papers to mail to all hiscollege class. There was goin' to be a item about him, an' Mrs. Brownsays it was goin' to be a good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while hemade his notes for it an' had Amelia play on her guitar, too. "

"What do you--?" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I can't say as I really know _what_ to think of him just yet. Inever see such a young man afore. He has some very curious ways, Mrs. Lathrop, ways as make me feel that I can't tell you positively what Ido think. Now yesterday was the first day as I knowed he'd be gone forlong, so I took it to go through all his things, an' do you know, awaydown at the bottom of one of his trunks I found a box as was locked an'no key anywhere. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted, an' Ihunted, an' I couldn't find that key a _tall_. I never had any thin' ofthat kind in my house afore an' of course I ain't goin' to give upwithout a good deal more lookin', but if I can't find that key it'llprove beyond a shadow of a doubt as Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin'nature an' if that's true I don't know how I ever _will_ be able to getalong with him. A trustin' nature is one thing to have around an' adistrustin' nature is another thing, an' I can tell you that there'ssomethin' about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes me take my handsright out of my bread dough an' go straight upstairs to begin lookin'for that key again. The more I hunt the wilder I get, for it's a verysmall box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't his money or jewelryfor it don't rattle when you shake it. It's too bad for me to feel sobecause in most other ways he's a very nice young man, although I willsay as sunset is midnight compared to his hair. "

"Do--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Then too, he said yesterday, " Miss Clegg continued, "as he wanted itdistinctly understood as his things was never to be touched by no onean' I told him as he could freely an' frankly rely on me. Now that'sgoin' to make it a great deal more work to hunt for that key from nowon. An' I don't like to have it made any harder work to find a thing, asI have n't found yet a _tall_. "

"Wh--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Not me, " said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got any give-up in me. I'll keep onuntil I find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till he dies or till Idrop dead in my huntin' tracks. But I can see that my feelin' towardshim is n't goin' to be what it might of been if he'd been frank an'open with me as I am with him an' every one else. He seems so frank an'open, too--in other ways than that box. He read his editorial aloudnight afore last an' I must say it showed a real good disposition for heeven wished the president well although he said as he knowed he wassometimes goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little bit hard on him. Hesaid as plain speakin' an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath an'blast of the _Megaphone_ an' he should found it on truth, honor an' thegreat American people, an' carry Judge Fitch to congress on them lines. I thought as Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress on any linesafter all he's said about what he thought of congress in public, butElijah says a new paper must have a standard, an' he asked Judge Fitchif he minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge said he did n't mindnothin' these degenerate days, so Elijah just up with him. "

"Did you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"See Mrs. Macy?--yes, I see her in the square yesterday noon. She wasjust back from Meadville. She says the editor of the _Meadville Mixture_is awful bitter over our havin' a paper of our own, an' says he'll crosstinfoils with Elijah any day. I told Elijah what she said last night, but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin' him'd take his appetite away, but he ate eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds me as he's comin'home to dinner to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in. "

"Goo--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

--"But I'll come over after he goes an' tell you how the paper's comin'out, " Susan added, as she turned from the fence; and as she was alwaystrue to her promises she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen afterdinner, wearing a clean apron and a new expression--an expression ofmixed doubt and displeasure. 

Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair and make her welcome, and thentook a chair herself and sat at attention. 

Susan began at once. 

"Well, " she said, "it's a good thing as the Fishers are thinkin' some ofsendin' John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a sight too smart forthis town. "

Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide surprise, as it was certainly notabout John Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales. 

"Elijah says as John Bunyan made them all feel pretty cheap down at theprintin' press this mornin', " Miss Clegg went on: "seems the wholecommunity was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's store to see whatunder the sun could be done to get the first paper out of the press, when all of a sudden John Bunyan spoke up an' asked why they did n'tturn the handle backward an' empty the whole muss out that way. Well, every one see the sense of what he said right off, an' so they began, an' as soon as they began to turn the crank backward the paper began tocome out backward, tore, of course, but as nice as pie. 

"Well, Elijah says he most thought his uncle was goin' to take his jobas editor away and give it to John Bunyan right off, he was so pleased. But Mr. Kimball ain't the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposeshimself to of got, an' he only give John Bunyan fifty cents' worth ofsoda water tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if Lucy'll let Hiram), an' have the paper ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins an' Sperritswas a little disapp'inted 'cause they was n't comin' in to church, countin' on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all day instead, butElijah's goin' to put in a late column of late news an' give 'em theirmoney's worth that way. Mr. Kimball had arranged to have one wholecolumn of Ks to draw attention to his dried apples, an' he's goin' togive it up for the occasion an' let Elijah write a Extra about the causeof the delay, for that's really all the late news there is. Then, too, Elijah's goin' to have a joke about the paper's comin' in among us likea man goes into politics, kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an'that, an' I must say I begin to find some of Elijah's ideas prettybright. But my mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck from what he saidat dinner, an' I will admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I misjudgedhim in one way, for he come an' asked me while I was washin' up if Iknowed any way to open a locked box without a key, for he could n't findthe key to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was a little nervousnights he always wore it off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin' as there was a flute in thatbox an' the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin' that flute nights, altered my views more 'n a little, an' I can tell you that I had tothink pretty fast afore answerin' him. While I was thinkin' he said hehad n't played since he was here, an' he was gettin' so wild to play hethought the best way would be to maybe pry the lock open. I see then asI'd got to come out firm an' I said I'd never consent to no young manin my house, spoilin' a good box like that an' maybe a fine flute too, just because he had n't got a little patience. He said I was right aboutits being a fine flute, an' he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it. Itold him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd find the key, an' so he went offsome soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on you an' me, for ElijahDoxey never will from this day on. Will you only think of him bein'nervous an' playin' nights! It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you knowwhat a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop, --I declare to goodness if Elijah actslike a tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad. "

"Ca--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I don't see how I can, " said Miss Clegg, dubiously. "I shall do mybest, but, oh my, a young man as is a editor an' has red hair an' aflute is awful uncertain to count on. I almost wish I had n't took him. "

"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I can't now, " said Miss Clegg, "the arrangements of this world isdreadful hard on women. It's very easy to take a man into your house butonce a woman has done it an' the man's settled, nobody but a undertakercan get him out in any way as is respectable accordin' to my order ofthinkin'. "

"But you--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop, comfortingly. 

"I know, but even three months is a long time, " said Miss Clegg, "an'he's begun to leave his soap uncovered already, an' oh my heavens alive, how am I ever goin' to stand that flute!"

CHAPTER III

THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER

"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, " said Miss Clegg the next Mondayafternoon, "I ain't goin' to stay here so late but what I go home intime to make Elijah something hot an' comfortin' for supper to-night. Iain't any one to take sides, but I will say that my heart has gone outto that poor young man ever since I was down in the square this mornin'. I felt to be real glad as he'd took to-day to go up to the city, for Imust say I'd of felt more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard folksexpressin' their opinion about his first paper. "

"Did he--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, he went to-day, " said Miss Clegg. "He went on the early train an'one of the joys of havin' a man in the house was as I had to be upbright an' early to get him his breakfast. I must say I never thoughtabout his wantin' early breakfast when I agreed to take him, but I'm notone to refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked him cakes just the sameas I would any one else. "

"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I guess maybe he heard things yesterday as made him feel as it'dbe just as well to let folks have time to sizzle down some afore theylooked on his bright an' shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper ain't an easy thing an' thetown is really so up in arms to-day, that I really would of made wafflesfor Elijah to eat instead of just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he gotup how mad every one was at him. I can see since I've been down townto-day as the square was n't likely to have been no bed of roses for himyesterday. The whole community is mad as hornets over the paper. Why, Inever see folks so mad over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin' hisown name right under the paper's, an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongson the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most _awful_ mad 'cause Elijah's puthis item right in with the advertisement of Lydia Finkham, an' he sayshe ain't nothin' as pretends to cure anythin' or everybody. He says he'sa regular doctor as you have to take regular chances with an' he feelslike suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma Mullins is mad, too, 'cause shewas put in the personals an' Elijah went an' called her the 'Nestor ofthe crick, ' without never so much as askin' by her leave. She says sheain't never done nothin' with the crick, an' if she ever nested anywhereit was in her own owned an' mortgaged house. Hiram says he'll punchElijah if he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again, an' I guessHiram feels kind of sore over Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin'when all the town knows how much he wishes as Lucy'd settle down andnest awhile instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly churned up. Mrs. Macy told me this mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret this week;she see the brush goin' 'round an' 'round the window on her side--shesays it makes her bones ache just to live next door to Lucy's ways. Shesays they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins' ways. Gran'ma Mullinshad n't had no whitewashin' done in twenty years--not since she rentedthe cottage of father. That's true an' I know it's true too becauseshe's been askin' an' askin' me to have it done an' I said not by nomeans--so she's left off. "

"Did--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper, too, " Susan continued. "Seemsas Elijah went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry Ponders, ' an' Mrs. Jilkins says where he got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped intheir lives she cannot conceive, for Mr. Jilkins ain't so much as peepeda good part of the time since they were married an' she says as forbeing chirpy, _she_ looks upon the word as city slang. But Judge Fitchis about the maddest of all! I did n't read what Elijah said about himbut every one else did, an' he says he was willin' to run for congressfor the good of his country, but to put him up in a editorial as sayshe'll be proud to come back from Washington as poor as he goes there, isa very poor way to put heart into any man's contest. He says if he's gotto come back from Washington as poor as he goes he can't see no good an'sufficient reason for goin' a _tall_, for he won't gain nothin' an' willbe out his car fare there an' back. He says he never heard of no onecomin' back from Washington as poor as they went before, an' it was athing as he supposed could n't be done till he found Elijah had bookedhim to do it. He says if that's what he's to up an' teach his country, he don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as any such novelty an' hesays he won't go to congress on any such terms--not while he knowshimself. Mr. Kimball told me as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday, an' Elijah said to him as it would be a strong plank for Judge Fitch tostand on in the middle of his platform, but Judge Fitch told Mr. Kimballas he could just tell his nephew frank an' open as that one plank in hisplatform had better be weak an' he'd take care to remember to step overit every time. He said he was just waitin' for a good chance to tellElijah his opinion of him right to his face, an' he said as he shouldgive him to understand as after this he must submit all other planks to_him_ afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball says that Judge Fitch said goodgracious him, there would n't be no knowin' what he'd have to live up tonext, if Elijah was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch says the old wayis good enough for him when he goes to Washington. 

"But that ain't all the trouble there is. Mr. Fisher feels very muchhurt at Elijah's writin' any editorial without consultin' him first. Hesays he told him as he could have give him a motto out of Shakespeareabout layin' on an' dammin' as would have put life in the campaign rightoff at the beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as thinks he was awfulmean to call her one as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I wish Elijahhad let Mrs. Macy alone for she's worse than hornets over that remark ofhis. She says maybe Elijah'll go over two hundred an' fifty hisself someday, an' if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She bu'st her rockerlast night when she read what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin' arocker ought to show better than any words how mad it made her. My, shesays, but she was mad! I told Elijah when he was gettin' up the paper ashe'd better never say nothin' about nobody in it, but Elijah can't helpbeing a man an' very like all men in consequence, an' he said as a paperwas n't nothin' without personal items, an' he thought folks wouldenjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I told him my views was altogetherdifferent. 'Elijah Doxey, ' I says, 'you dish Meadville up tart an' spicyan' we'll all feel to enjoy, but you leave folks here alone. ' But hedidn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson as will maybe teach him toleave the armchairs of folks as is payin' for his paper unbu'stedhenceforth. "

"Now--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, we get along pretty well, " said Susan; "a man's a man, an' ofcourse any house always is pleasanter without one in it, but I guess ifyou have to have one around Elijah's about as little bother as you couldask. I'm teachin' him to be real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' histhings where he couldn't possibly find 'em if he leaves 'em layin'around. You always can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an' I'm smart. If he don't empty his basin, I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late tomeals, I eat up all as is hot;--oh! there's lots of ways of gettin'along, an' I try 'em all turn an' turn about. If one don't work anotheris sure to, an' if he ever does have a wife it won't be my fault--I knowthat. 

"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin' what I thought of him anyhow. Mr. Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally thinks this year is sent tofit him for suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd ought to be resignedto anythin'. That didn't sound just polite to me to my order of thinkin'an' Gran'ma Mullins come back just then an' broke in an' said if Elijahwas resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped he'd never come her way any morewhen he was out pickin' up items. "

"Is any one--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I don't know, " said Miss Clegg, "I don't believe so. Even the ministeris mad; I met him comin' home an' I couldn't see what he had to complainof, for I didn't remember there bein' a single word about him in thewhole paper. Come to find out he was all used up 'cause there _wasn't_nothin' about him in it. He told me in confidence as he never got sucha shock in all his life. He says he read the paper over nine times aforehe was able to sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on hidin' yourlight under a bushel basket an' he had a copy all ready if Elijah hadonly come for it. He says he shall preach next Sunday on cryin' out untoyou to get up, an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself. I cheered himup all I could. I told him as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't likelyto be no great novelty to no one on the Saturday after, but I'd see thathe got it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his scrap-basket. Thatseems to be the big part of bein' a editor--the throwin' things in hisscrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket is far from bein' the joy of my lifefor he tears everythin' just the same way an' it makes it a long, hardjob to piece 'em together again. Some days I don't get time an' then I_do_ get so aggravated. "

"Have you ever--" asked Mrs. Lathrop with real interest. 

"Not yet, but he ain't got really started yet. It's when the paper getsto Meadville an' Meadville begins to write him back what they thinkabout what he thinks of them, that that scrap-basket will beinterestin'! I guess I'll go home now an' make biscuits for supper. Hewas comin' back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah, he'll have ahard day to-morrow but it'll do him good. Men never have to clean house, so the Lord has to discipline their souls any way he can, I suppose, an'to my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper is goin' to send Elijaha long ways upwards on his heavenly journey. "

"Does--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising heavily to bid her friend good-bye. 

"Most likely, " said Susan; "at any rate if he does n't have anyappetite. I like 'em myself. "

CHAPTER IV

SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON

Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps aboutfive o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of theformer's house and walked away down town. 

"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I don't believe it, " said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it, Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him butthat ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at thatage an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community. We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have gotain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijahshould be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls isin love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got tolove to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't knowas I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house. It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin'the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry ifI can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin'to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keepany man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop alongsingle an' in peace. "

"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly. 

"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It wasyesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'maMullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin'an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays. As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two womengets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is tokeep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it. "

"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she comewas because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious tobu'st yet awhile. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an'married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill couldn't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons, but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's gothim--so help her eternity to come. "

"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, " said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough forthat yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an'bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullinsfor Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it standsto reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want tobegin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never didseem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as itbeats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married. Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way shefeels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towardsGran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she'scome to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for whenthe husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says ifanythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang ontoGran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to townlast week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the cityjust for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock atfour an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an'then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with herweddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it, so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could dowas to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there wasn't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Cometo find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in thedirections, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it'sa well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whateveryou do. 

"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy homean' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' ofGran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. Shesays she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never tobreathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to questionas to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will youbelieve that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours totuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat ora robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it'sHeaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels everySaturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes whenLucy won't help him off with his boots. "

"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begunto be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when heused to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked toplay horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause itkept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was justher spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's gotthe consequences to suffer. 

"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged, but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em oftheir bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the verythought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullinslistenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to thevery ground. 

"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of apurse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has alwaysgot to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing, an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make somegirl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her motherwas prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he wasmarried as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till itjust went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only betogether all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me ornot, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighedonce--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein'happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks toknow, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's notellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin'Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head. "

"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I should say not, " said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was hismother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I wasLucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put abolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies onthe other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt himout, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an'go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucyhome again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' housefor him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he waspractically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she wenthome, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own selfto feed, want his own daughter back, I should think. 

"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marryher first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want tomarry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs. Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it'spesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionaryan' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, Iguess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' atLucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know aswell as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in ahurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n ayear I'll make you a tea cake. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill, " said her friend. "If you was you'd bedifferent. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slidin among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause hismother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played oncetoo often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give hera little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to takea strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on itneither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' shedon't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I madestrong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God helpHiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said ifshe come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she wasgoing to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember. "

"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I did n't blame her, " said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't knowas I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' herside stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was toput the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in womensufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier togo to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiramsmashed flat soon in consequence. "

"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed. 

"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' toLucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't saybut what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curiousfeelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sidesof anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other inthe same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sidesmyself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe noone could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' theirheads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knowsis their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault aforethey ever even began to think of doin' it. 

"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram isHiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comesGran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold thereins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em theplain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever lookedfor the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em. "

"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'dthink _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you wouldn't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is overevery one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she wouldn't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an'poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be aonly mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed. She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' howshe downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just likeeverybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with theirown bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! Shesays they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunkwhen she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as comehome carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws asever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he giveher an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a realgreen emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy evenwith his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that wholesummer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get senseinto Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to situp in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep onhis neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hoursafterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An'she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, withhis whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an'able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted justas quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin'as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders himabout!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says itgoes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucyspeaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it forworlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the headwith a hairbrush night before last. "

[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs. "

"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast. 

"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a Junebug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin'when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she saysLucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an'she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, sheknew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room exceptHiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now, Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'maMullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in afortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man isonce set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinksabout the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scaredwhite, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to thewater pitcher. "

"Did Mr. --" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts toslide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words. 

"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did dowith them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for hegrated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her notto never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square onher head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a littlecupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to makeout as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. Shesays a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband asis on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story;she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatestof the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forgetit as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven shewon't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her tosubscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag onDecoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thankyou, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest. 

"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' outalong that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in fromfirst to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him, but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in themornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, forLucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howlbefore he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs everylast one of the bedclothes square out of the window. 

"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an'Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to itshalter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. Shesays she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward butsoap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an'the water pitcher loomin'. 

"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took intoconsideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' toohard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't amite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeralthere'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an'to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children, folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just thatvery thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give alittle yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an'watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd neverbe able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any onewith half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death. She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweepa room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, shesays her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, theyare. 

"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o'things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madderan' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy firstyear as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy toldme o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucyor he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth. But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it wouldn't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know howlong he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know onething, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' Isaid it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an'that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, forthis is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' theydon't want to--an' I would n't neither. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, you ain't me, " said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain'tElijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in thehouse with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other womanis goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman ashe's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life isto keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an'keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marryhim then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order ofthinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfortwith a man in the house. "

CHAPTER V

SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY

"Well, " said Miss Clegg, with strong emphasis, as she mounted Mrs. Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, what I've come over here forthis night, for I never felt more like goin' right straight off to bedin all my life before. " Then she sat down on the top step and sighedheavily. 

"It's been a full day, " she went on presently; "an' I can't deny as Iwas nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah was n't comin' home tosupper, for as a consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A woman as hashad a day like mine to-day don't want no supper anyhow, an' it stands toreason as if I don't feel lively in the first place, I ain't goin' to bemade any more so by comin' to see you, for I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, that seein' you always makes me wonder more'n ever why I come to see youso often when I might just as well stay home an' go to bed. If I was inmy bed this blessed minute I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very farfrom bein' here with this mosquito aimin' just over my slap each time;an' then, too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard I may try to makemyself look upon bein' with you as the same thing as bein' alone, it isn't the same thing an' you can't in conscience deny _that_, no matterhow hard you may sit without movin'. "

Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank comment on her liveliness, andafter a short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily a second time, andcontinued:

"It's been a full day, a awful full day. In the first place the roosterwas woke by accident last night an' he up an' woke me. He must of wokeme about three o'clock as near as I can figure it out now, but Isupposed when I was woke as of course it was five so I got right up an'went in an' woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as he did n't believehe'd ever seen the sun rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to thinkas to-day would be a good time for him to begin to turn over a new leafas far as the sunrise was concerned. I must say he was n't very spryabout the leaf, for all he did was to turn himself over at first, but Iopened his window an' banged the blinds three or four times an' in theend he got woke up without really knowin' just what had woke him. We hadbreakfast with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired lookin' out forthe sunrise that he looked in at his watch an' see as it was onlyquarter to four then. He was real put out at that at first 'cause hewrote till half past two last night, an' in the end he went back to bedan' it certainly was a relief to see the last of him, for I may inconfidence remark as I never see him look quite so stupid afore. Afterhe was gone back to bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' then Iwent out in the wood shed in the dark an' there I got another surprise, for I thought I'd look over the rags I was savin' for the next rag rugan' when I poured 'em out in my lap, what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what _do_ you think poured out along with 'em?--Why, a nest of youngmice an' two old ones!

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine my feelin's at four in themornin' with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own lap full of mice, butwhatever I yelled did n't disturb him any an' I just made two jumps forthe lamp in the kitchen, leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrangetheir family to suit themselves. Well, the second jump must needs landme right square on top of the cistern lid, an' it up an' went in, takin'my left leg along with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, talk of girls as can open an' shut, like scissors, in a circus--I wasscissored to that degree that for a little I could n't think whichwould be wisest, to try an' get myself together again in the kitchen orto just give up altogether in the cistern. In the end I hauled the legas had gone in out again, an' then I see where all the trouble comefrom, for the cistern lid was caught to my garter an' what I'd thoughtwas a real injury was only it swingin' around an' around my leg. I putthe lid back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my legs crossed forquite a while, thinkin' pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke me, an'by that time it was half past four, an' I could hear all the otherchickens stirrin' so I got up an' began to stir again myself. I openedthe front door an' looked out an' that did n't bring me no good luckeither, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' just as the bat flew in hemanaged to hook himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I tell youI _was_ mad then. I don't know as I ever was madder than I was then. Iwas so mad that I can't tell you how mad I was. The bat held on bydiggin' in like he thought I wanted to get him off, an' I pulled at himso hard that I can't in conscience be surprised much over his takin'that view of it. Well, in the end I had to take all my hairpins outfirst an' then sort of skin him out of my hair lengthways, which, whatever you may think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from bein' funnyalong afore dawn on a day as you 've begun at three thinkin' as it wasfive. "

"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; "don't--"

"No, I'll have some when I get home. I like mine better than yoursanyway. Now you've made me forget where I was in my story. "

"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I was too put out at first to notice whatthe bat did after I got him out o' my head, but when I went upstairs Ifound him circlin' everywhere in a way as took every bit of home feelin'out of the house an' I just saw that I'd have no peace till I could bealone with Elijah again. So I got up an' got a broom an' went a battin'for all I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not justas you please, but for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up an' downan' over an' under my own house after that bat. I never see nothin' likethat bat before or behind. He just sort of sailed here an' there an'everywhere, an' wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily there was merunnin' after him with the broom, whackin' at him every chance I got. Wewas upstairs, we was downstairs, we was in the wood shed an' out of thewood shed, we was under the kitchen table, we was over father's pictureon the mantel--we was everywhere, me an' that bat. Then all of a suddenhe disappeared completely an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair to puffan' rest. Elijah slept till most eight an' I was so tired I let himsleep although I never was one to approve of any man's sleepin', butbefore he woke something worse than a bat come down on me, an' that wasMrs. Sweet's cousin, Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop, an' so do I, an' so does everybody an' as far as my observation 'sextended bats is wise men bringin' their gifts from afar to visit youcompared to Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the early mornin'. I wouldn't never have gone to the door only she stepped up on the drain-pipefirst an' looked in an' saw me there in the rockin'-chair afore sheknocked. I tell you I was good an' mad when I see her an' see as she seeme an' I made no bones of it when I opened the door. I says to her frankan' open--I says, 'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't lookin' tosee me pleased at seein' as it's you. ' But laws, you could n't smashJerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant an' she was his sat-down-uponfly, so I had her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in less'n no time. She was full of her woes an' the country's woes as usual. Congress wasgoin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she had a hole in her back fenceanyway; she did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices on oil, an'there was a skunk in her cellar, an' she said she could n't seem tolearn to enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had to live it since herfather died, a _tall_. She said that accordin' to her views life forsingle women nowadays was too simple an' she said she really only lackedbein' buried to be dead. She says as all a simple life is, is havin' norights except them as your neighbors don't want. She says for her partshe's been more took into the heart of creation than she's ever caredabout. I do hate to have to listen to the way she goes on an' no one cansay as I ever was one to encourage her in them views. I don't think it'sright to encourage no one in their own views 'cause their views is nevermine an' mine is always the right ones. This mornin' I stood it as longas I could from Jerusha an' then I just let out at her an' I says toher, I says, 'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' Heaven help themas ever makes more of a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't. ' Youknow Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; she began to cry hard an' rock harderright off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it was nature's fault an'not hers for she was born so an' could n't seem to get the better of it. I told her my view of the matter would be for her to stay home an' patchup that hole in her fence an' pull up some o' that choice garden full ofweeds as she's growin', an' brush the dust off the crown of her bonnet, an' do a few other of them wholesome little trifles as is a good dealnearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller] an' what congress in itsinfinite wisdom is goin' to see fit to deal out in the daily papers nextyear. 

"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' an' finally I got so tiredlistenin' to her creak an' sob that I went out an' had a real brightidea. I got the little sink scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag tothe handle an' went around behind her an' hung it suddenly in her backhair. She put up her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that woke Elijah. You know how Jerusha Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun around so thesink scratcher fell right out but she did n't have sense enough left inher to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? what was it?' an' I yelled, 'It was a bat, it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of JerushaDodd, for she was out of my kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijahcould get to the top of the stairs to begin yellin', 'What was it? whatwas it?' on his own hook. I had to tell him all about it then an' hewanted it for a item right off. He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an'a star for me, an' the idea took him like most of his ideas do, an' helaughed till he coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him all the wrongway, an' dropped a soft boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the waterpitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes never would come to a end oreven to a turnin'. But after he'd fished out the egg an' eat it, he wentoff down to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone when in come Mrs. Sweet to see if Jerusha left her breastpin, 'cause in her quickbreathin' it had fallen somewhere an' Jerusha was havin' hysterics overlosin' that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. Sweet at the gate I smeltsomethin' burnin' an' there my whole bakin' of bread was burnt up in theoven owin' to Jerusha Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a bat. Ifelt to be some tempered then, an' Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned aroundan' left me, an' after she was gone I went into the house an' pulleddown the shades an' locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept tillElijah come home to dinner an' of course there was n't no dinner readyan' that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good deal of a temper, I find, an' the only thing in the world to do with a man in a temper, when he isin a temper, is to make him so mad that he goes right off in a huff an'leaves you to peace again. So I just made one or two remarks about myopinion of things as he feels very strong about, an' he said he guessedhe'd get supper down town an' sleep at the store to-night. So he tookhimself off an' he was hardly out of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tellme about Judy Lupey's divorce. "

"Is--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Not yet, but she soon will be, " said Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just backfrom Meadville an' she says all Meadville is churned up over it. Theyain't never had a divorce there afore, an' every one is so interested toknow just how to do it, an' I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' thatis that she was nothin' but glad to tell me all about it. Seems as theLupeys is most awful upset over it though an' Mrs. Kitts says she ain'tsure as she won't change her will sooner than leave money to a womanwith two husbands. "

"Two--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Mrs. Macy says, " continued Susan, "as Mrs. Lupey ain't much betterpleased than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although she did n't say it inso many words, she hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as the only oneof the girls to get married should be the same one as is gettin'divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her point of view, but to her order ofthinkin' the world don't begin to be where old maids need considerdivorces yet awhile. She says she stayed in the house with 'em all threedays an' she says she cheered Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says shetold her to her best ear as no one but a mother would ever have dreamedof dreamin' of Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any circumstances. She said Mrs. Lupey said it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired ofMr. Drake as had frightened her most. Why, she says as before the firstbaby was through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up an' through an'completely done with Mr. Drake. All done with him an' home again, an'the family not even countin' to consider. 

"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a awful lot about divorce as she didn't know before. She said she could n't help being surprised over howmuch a divorce is like a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every nightan' Judy an' the whole family is hard at work gettin' her clothes ready. But Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real gettin' of the divorceitself is simple had ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. Why, shesays the way the Lupeys is complicated an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drakeis somethin' beyond all belief. To begin with, Judy decided to bedeserted because she thought it'd really be the simplest an' easiest inthe end an' she hated to bother with bein' black an' blue for witnessesan' all that kind of business. But it seems being deserted, when youlive in the same town with a husband who rides a bicycle an' don't carewhere he meets you, is just enough to drive a woman nigh to madnessitself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy Lupey actually can't go out towalk a _tall_, not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of her an' Maria ablock behind, an' even then Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down on'em any minute. She says it's awful tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over itall that it just seems as if they could _not_ stand it. 

"But that ain't the only trouble neither, Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy gotSolomon Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the whole story, througheatin' dinner at the Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' married. She thought havin' Solomon Drake would save such a lot of explainin''cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to any one as has just seen himridin' his bicycle an' not really been his wife. Well, seems as Judynever calculated on Solomon's keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner withMr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but he does, an' none of theLupeys think it looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' because allshe an' Solomon talk over about the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sundayout of gratitude for his dinner an' because it's a subject as seems toreally interest Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard man to interest. Judy says he was yawnin' afore they got to the station on theirhoneymoon. 

"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, neither, whatever you may think, forshe says what do you think of Mr. Drake's goin' an' gettin' Busby Bellof all the men in Meadville for _his_ lawyer, when the whole town knowsas it's Busby as Judy's goin' to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judywould have took Busby for her own lawyer only they was so afraid ofhurtin' each other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, 'causeBusby says as he don't well see what's to be done about theirreputations if the worst comes to the worst, for he's explained as verylikely Judy's goin' to need one more man than a husband to get her herdivorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n'tbeen Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been more than ready to be the otherman, but as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy no more'n if he wasMr. Drake himself. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she told her asshe knowed as there was any number of quiet elderly men as any one coulddepend on right here in our own community as'd be nothin' but glad to goover to Meadville an' help anyway they could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judyabout it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said men as you could dependon anywhere was n't no use in divorce suits a _tall_. It's quite anotherkind, it seems. Mrs. Macy says she's really very sorry for them all, forit really seems awful to think how the Lupeys need a man an' the onlyman they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as hard as she can. 

"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. She says she never livedthrough nothin' like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't go out an'meet Busby without runnin' the risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' allthe time she's put in so far bein' deserted. An' then there's a manythings as a outsider never would know about or even guess at unlessthey've lived right in the house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macysays as Martha Hack, as does the washin' for 'em all, is foreverforgettin' an' sendin' Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just as if theywas still completely married. That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drakewaits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' Solomon's kind-hearted an'gives 'em to Busby so as to give him a excuse to make two calls in oneday. Well, Mrs. Macy says the come out of it all is as when Judy wantsto take a bath just about all Meadville has to turn out to see whereunder heaven her clean clothes is. 

"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all to you does n't matter somuch, but to hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder if it's worth whileto try an' leave a man as you can't live with. Seems to me it'd beeasier to live with him. Mrs. Macy says as she met Mr. Drake severaltimes herself on his bicycle an' he looked most bloomin'. No one needbe sorry for him, an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. Macy saysthere's only one person as all Meadville's sorry for, an' that's BusbyBell. "

Mrs. Lathrop started to speak. 

"Yes, " Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah said just that same thing theother day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. He thinks asdivorces is all a mistake, but then you're a widow an' Elijah ain'tmarried so you're both pretty safe in airin' your views. "

Susan rose just here and descended the steps. "I must go, " she said, "Idon't seem to take no particular interest in what you might be goin' totell me, Mrs. Lathrop, even if there was any chance of your ever gettin'around to tellin' it, an' I've told you all I know, an' I'm very tiredtalkin'. As I said before, it's been a full day an' I'm pretty well beatout. I forgot to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone I found as it wasn't the bread I smelt in the oven--it was the bat. I suppose when I seeMr. Kimball he'll make one of his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an'batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. Did I say as Elijah said he'dsleep at the store to-night?"

"Will--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a sudden. 

"Why, of course, " said Susan, "it did n't hurt either loaf a mite. I'dbe as much of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little thing like a batspoil a whole bakin' of bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, hedid n't know nothin' about it an' I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure, for he's the one as eats all the bread--I never touch it myself, as youwell know. "

CHAPTER VI

THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN

"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah, " Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop, one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the townhad begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he doeshave so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see, but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. Itain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in thiscommunity ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he'sthought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n alittle nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold himdown to that idea, but first he wants me to get a new kind of flatironsas takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paperall over new. 

"I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' showyou how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down thismornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read toyou. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I couldtoo, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' hesaid he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says themore he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an'judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frankan' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meantthat, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore, so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what wethought to-night, when he come home. 

"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest. 

"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us howup-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin'up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have aeditorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of the_Megaphone_ just twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he reallymeant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now, but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her ownreward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the cityfor a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is apractical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your owndressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was aboutenough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as longas your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a advice column too, rightoff, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots offolks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' theycan all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide worldwhen the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a littleat that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't considerElijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don'tknow anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin'more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to showbig city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-handprintin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell himthat if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed orelse down town. "

"Is the--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me thismornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column' an' he'sgoin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause ofcourse if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise fromany girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her. "

"But who--?" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em uphimself--an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so sillyto me. But he did work over it, --he says no one knows the work ofgettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an'he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, foreven thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of hisenergies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine bigenough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. Hesays the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' agood many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow. Elijah says the world is most dreadful hard-hearted aboutChinamen--they don't seem to consider them as of any use a _tall_. Hesays it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lordknows--for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it hascertainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that wasgettin' a letter as Phoebe White wrote the deacon about how thegovernment relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijahsays after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fundthirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollarsan' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress, if anybody wants it C. O. D. , an' here we are stuck hard at six dollarsan' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just afterthey choked on them licorish marbles. "

"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; inregard to givin' to funds I've learned a very good trick fromRockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that SanFrancisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town wouldgive five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouthan' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as amatter of fact I did n't give nothin' a _tall_. "

"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, " said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I wasjust thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you seeif you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made somepretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as hemust of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it'sa risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my housean' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things waslike enough said to him by me--a view as is far from likely to make myfriends any more friendly. "

"Do--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, I'm goin' to. " Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-beganthus:

"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keepthe year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placidMrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examinationfor the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and waslooking the other way so it was only when the length of the pausebrought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered:

"My heavens ali--"

"The answer is, " said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobodycan reach them. '"

Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes. 

"I don't--" she protested. 

"No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself, " responded Susan, "but do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funnyabout Elijah to my order of thinkin'--he's so amused at himself. Hethinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an'I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' youdon't see nothin' funny in it, do you?"

"No, " said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"

"Nor me neither, " said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, tomy order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' thenit says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man withfreckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband'sson by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to ahome of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately--Ada. '"

"What under the--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Just what I said, " said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of itmyself an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's hissecond wife--yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to makeElijah see that but he just said to read the answer. "

"What is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. Theanswer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll proveinvaluable. '"

"Well, I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly. 

"I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feelhurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sureto feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an'join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimballsold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she callsher Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' shemade four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever says anythin'in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em attwo mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'llhave to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he saidfor the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafterperfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n'tthink quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her verysoon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey ishavin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us. "

"Do you--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed. 

"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary. But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I'vegot to be gettin' home to get supper. "

"Go--" said the neighbor. 

"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'Howlong ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several yearsan' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an'paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are theoldest couple in the country, ' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly, Rosy'--of all the silly things!"

"He must be--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I should think so, " said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofalaughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer--youcan lose nothin' by patience. ' I call that pretty silly, too. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, indeed, " said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I saidit, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as Idon't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one towrite to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', tomy order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just likea slap in my face. "

"I'd never--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you. "

"And I--" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly. 

"I know you would, " said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs. Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you. "

CHAPTER VII

MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION

Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sortof way which she herself designated as "looking after things, " but whichher friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'. "Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she alwaysinterrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion ofwhich I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, andcalled:

"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you. "

Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly overher half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg alsoadvanced to the fence, and upon its opposite sides the followingconversation took place. 

"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon, " Miss Clegg began, "an' Isaw her an' that's what the surprise come from. "

"She isn't--" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously. 

"Oh, no, she's all right--that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but Imay remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin'lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' menfor some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt thatway all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she alwaysmakes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give hera free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to beeven more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her. "

"Oh, " said Mrs. Lathrop--"you mean--"

"Of course I do, " said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out. It's come out now, an' all different from how you know. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, you wait an' listen, " said the friend, --"you wait an' listen an'then you'll know, too. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively. 

"She says, " Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too, 'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the ideaeven in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas isgettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soonfind ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushedforward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takesa deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meetat her house)--but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an'never was no club, an' she considers as it was overdrawin' on Elijah'spart to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federationof any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see--an' she said atthe meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see--what our sewin'society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy allthe patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to lookover. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom comecould ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever getanythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them evertryin' to get together a _tall_. I thought she was very sensibleyesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as electedher, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on ourbein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with anykind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no onein this town wants to be up to time--we're a great deal better suitedtakin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macysays as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federationto begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was therean' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin'away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had toset another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleanedhouse instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n'tbelieve as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'dbetter all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah hadtold me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' couldgo to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins saidin that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with alot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the endthe only one as they could possibly get to go was Mrs. Macy, so theyelected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a_tall_, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadvilledelegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs. Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs. Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupeylikes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your backalone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupeyfull directions for nothin'--she thought it would be so amusin'--an' soin the end she said she'd go. 

"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wisecompared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I neverhear such a tale--not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent inher name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quitsendin' her the filin's ever since. I told you as I heard in the squareshe was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how muchuntil she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, shesays it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papersas was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is reallyvaluable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told methe hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got lettersfrom everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, someabout things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as sheconsiders a downright insult to consider as she might know about. Butshe says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach herage, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'dthink no more about it. She says there was only just one as she reallyminded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decidedabout even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's veryhard to get both ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' oneend looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says youcan maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know fromAdam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you havethat dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very ownswitch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in allher life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at atelephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an'hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law againstsendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be appliedto that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's gotred from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds ofwoman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she saysswitches is child's play to what another man wrote her about hisgarters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Wouldyou believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if, while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes tocomin' an' lookin' at his garters!--at _his garters_! He said theyhooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her howcomfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein'of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was allshe could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she neverhear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says whenshe had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters asshe recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when hefirst got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, butshe says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her, it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is goin' to. Butshe says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs. Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's badenough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She saysmore men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said wasabout all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if sheknowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an'another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keeppaint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if sheknowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the firstthing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n'tsuppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of themletters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin'underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'. 

"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her bygettin' most too intimate on postal cards. "

"On postal--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes--on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back ifshe'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wantsis to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an'another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat orthin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without noclothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnnyhanded her the card at the post office she like to of died then an'there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even--they wastoo bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!"

"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've beencomin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin'on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement orworse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance to reportto them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from thenon straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n'tconsider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so shewrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down, an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but shesays she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she'sto stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman'ssufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a buttonan' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she wasfeelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to beagreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button overon a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only placewhere she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked buttonin the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although shesays she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferigewhenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Thennext she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion torally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as shebegin to fill the kindlin' box. 

"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got thefinal slam in her face!

"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when shesee for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in toshe most fell over backward then an' there. 

"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use;she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her asshe was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin'she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was amap of the city with blue lines an' pink squares an' a sun without anysense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she mustfill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleepdurin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her namean' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundredpounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for hertrunk if it was n't. 

"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' bythis time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, themore scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says itwas just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with herany time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpaythe hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' ifshe'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an' invest itby the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his ownexpense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to donext she was that mixed up. 

"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy!She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an'tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as herfriends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, shesaid that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuckan' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for loveor money--"

"Why, " cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't--"

"No, " said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it'scruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in herplace. "

CHAPTER VIII

THE BIENNIAL

On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop, having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period ofunmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for severaldays. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her backdoor key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens. Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg statedfrankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friendkept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart, "said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as aconsequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house. I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White, an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'ddrive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favorof you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he'sremembered all I told him, an' _don't_ let him forget the hen as isthinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'llneed food just as much as if she does n't do it. "

Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and somelunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that thetrain did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as Ibefore remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had afeeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies couldpossibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when somehours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door. 

Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop wassome minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was someseconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but inthe end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight ofher friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunchin the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who hasfought but not exactly won. 

"Why, Susan, I thought you--" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyesboth popping widely open. 

"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home. " Miss Clegg advancedinto the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings uponthe table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention, " shesaid; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through withthat, too, an' I've got home from that, too. "

"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage ofperplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully herfriend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she hadslipped on well about her, sought her rocker. 

"I don't know, I'm sure, " said Susan, "it beats me what anybody elsedoes it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop, partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I'vecome over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don'ttry to talk at the same time. "

Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared tohold her tongue more tightly than ever. 

"In the first place, " said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted keywhich we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixedwith great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs. Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to workit into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card ashad her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time, for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from thestart clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard dayan' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm toofull of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I'vebeen treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem beforeI'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again. 

"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I waspackin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, awoman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my evernoticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up rightin the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Conventionmakes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' thatlittle flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one asI was a delegate. 

"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the littleflag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one ashas n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got totown, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to makeit very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got outan' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got twoothers as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor letup on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the stationhandy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a mapan' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along withmy own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as hadnoticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't botherabout a thing for I could go with her an' welcome. 

[Illustration: "'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if Iwas a delegate or an alternative. '" _Page_ 119]

"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemedpleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n alittle mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to getrid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. Wewalked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how Iwas raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Ohmy, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't hisaffair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time Iwas gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop. 

"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quitehot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The littlewoman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked meif I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to knowright off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she gotout a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether tobelieve me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door assqueaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an'all, in the convention. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life. They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin'it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon giveout an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too, for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' thenleft it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started todecorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker thanon paint an' the most of the hall was most simple. 

"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. Ican't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folksfurther back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear whatwas goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin'a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have beendeaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an'that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as thespirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it aslong as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as ifevery one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clappedat that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an'hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't veryinterestin'--I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull. I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give togreetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the oneafter that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then Ismelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' thehammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I hadher seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I neverwas happier to do anythin' in my whole life before. But I was hardly outwhen a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on mean' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained bysayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of myend. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driveran' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to beable to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned apurple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' diedlaughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy butshe talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so Idid n't try. 

"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' upcelebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She saidas she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don'tknow what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at ahotel. 

"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded companymore, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David inthe lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, soI just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an'into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to giveher the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath thatbad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised atme bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild toget away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her thekey an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath allover at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seemto be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy. 

"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was toleap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in allyour life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' themore water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how Iwas goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as therewas nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I waspaid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while thetub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bathbefore!

"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip onthe hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like acow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' theconvention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared towhatever was goin' on in that next room. 

"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best Icould with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor allready, an' got into my clothes an' went out. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, butit was _another_ lady with _another_ delegate with _another_ purpleribbon an' _another_ little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the otherdelegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end theladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegatean' me alone in the room together. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, butthat other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it washer name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hearanythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' thatshe should write a story about it. She said about all she got out oflife was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make agood one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have halfthe bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that nomatter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywherewhere I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleepin a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stopup with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by thenoon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it, " said Miss Clegg, "Ishall need it to get in the back door. "

"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I can get it myself, " said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won'tdeny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to townan' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so Iguess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't getnothin' else, --I know _that_, for it was him as got up the fine idea ofsending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don'tthank him none for it, I know _that_. "

"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly. 

"I ain't sure, " said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns thanroses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences, an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrowwhen he comes home to-night. "

CHAPTER IX

THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS

"You look--" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, one afternoon, when SusanClegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting andknitting. 

"Well, I am, " confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a longbreath; "I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really neverwas more so. What with havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' hismendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, an' what with holdin' down his newideas an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean what it sounds likewhen I ain't been able to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore out. I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how Elijah is wearin' on me for he givesme a chair whenever I go in there now an' that just shows how anxioushe is for me to rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether Elijah'sfault for the way my back aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way asyou could n't possibly understand, Mrs. Lathrop, for I got it fromsittin' up readin' a book last night as you or any ordinary person wouldof gone to sleep on the second page of an' slept clear through to theindex; but I was built different from you an' ordinary persons, Mrs. Lathrop, an' if I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to for thatI'd never have had time to do nothin' else in _this_ world. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with interest. 

"It was a book, " said her friend, beginning to knit assiduously--"a bookas a boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher with a postal card, sayin' as every American man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs. Fisher took it out of the post office an' read the postal card, an' shesaid right off as she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading books asevery man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an' readtill she gets through makin' over her carpets. I brought the book homedone up to look like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, Mrs. Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when Ifound out what it was about. It was n't the kind of book the postal cardwould have led you to suppose a _tall_--it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or the near side, just accordin' to the way you face to getthe light while you read, an' so far from its bein' only intended formen it's all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Nowthat I'm done it an' know I have n't never got to do it again, I don'tmind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n't possiblyhave been meant to be interestin' it was about as agreeable readin' as Iever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it'sa thick book, an' all I knowed about that part of the world before wasas Java coffee comes from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. But Iknow it all now, an' Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from thisday on that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first. I'll bet Iknow more about what that book 's about than any one in this communitydoes, an' now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on thepostal card for it _is_ a book as every man ought to read, an' I read inthe paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America wasas they knowed all about what they did n't know nothin' about, an' didn't know nothin' a _tall_ about the rest. "

"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"But I don't see how the man that wrote it is ever goin' to make anymoney out of it, " pursued her friend, "for it's pretty plain as it'severy bit written about things that Americans don't want to really learnan' what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patrioticI don't believe I'd have read it clear through to the end myself, but Iain't never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed thatfirecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this forthe hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a gooddeal calmer'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me oughtto of felt what a good American was spoiled then an' there, for all Iasked was to hit somethin', whether it was him as throwed the cracker ornot an' that's what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spiritwhen he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my, though, but I wish you had n't reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, her tail never will come in straight again I don't believe, an' she'sforever hoppin' off her eggs to look out of the window since she hadthat scare. "

Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic. 

"But about this book, " Susan went on after a second of slightlysaddened reflection. "I'm goin' to tell you all about it. Elijah 'sgoin' to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business ofdowntreadin' our only colony has got to be stopped short right now assoon as he can call the government's attention to how to do it. 

"Well, the book begins very mild an' pleasant with Hongkong an' it endswith the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese for all it'snamed that an' growed there--it's English--an' as for the Philippinesthere's eight millions of 'em, not countin' the wild ones as they can'tcatch to count an' ask questions. In between Hongkong an' thePhilippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of theworld pretty lively an' tells who owns it an' what kind of roads they'vegot an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like that. You might think fromhearin' me as he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much himself, butit don't sound that way a _tall_ in the book. It's when he finally gotto the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoyhimself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself, too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not of beenquite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he saysabout our doin's in those countries is all what you don't get in thepapers nor no other way, an' if the United States really feels they'rein the right as to how they're actin' all they need to do is to read howwrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he'stalkin' about has got it all set down in black an' white. I don'tbelieve it's generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldoan' his guns over to Manila an' give him his first start at fightin' an'called him 'general' for a long time after they'd decided in Washingtonas how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin'about that, an' I will remark as I think there's many others as don'tknow it, neither, an' I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop, as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippinesis as they are bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' about the placethey're runnin' an' don't know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' butplaces. The man in the book says the Philippines ain't very well offbeing pacified, an' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyin''em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after 'em inone year, an' only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That's aexpedition to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonderwe're taxed an' they're taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens ashard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'emchase each other for ten or twenty years first an' then when they waspretty well thinned out we could step in an' settle with the survivors;but accordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell aAmerican nothin', an' I must say that my own experience in thiscommunity has proved as he knows what he's sayin' all straight enough. He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, buthe says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied withtheir way an' poor roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to helpeither along any. "

"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"He says, " continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happysittin' back an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines is sofar off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one'llever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army, an'the Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' seein' as they don't workmuch an' the Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he don't see no helpnowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin', for Inever see one close to, an' it seems they're a clean race only forlikin' to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let 'eminto any country they'll work very hard an' live very cheap an' pay mostof the taxes with the duty on opium as they've got to eat, an' games asthey've got to play. "

"I sh'd think--" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled. 

"Well, I should, too, " said Susan, "but accordin' to the book thePhilippines ain't to be allowed any such luxury as havin' the Chinese todevelop their country an' pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got to goto school an' learn English first, an' although he says right out plainthat the Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads a deal worse 'n theyneed the army an' the schools, still it's the army an' the schools asAmerica is going to give them, an' they can get along without the roadsan' the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin' a gooddeal of schoolin', but the man says all the teachers teach is English, an' as none of the children can speak English they don't get muchlearned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we 'd ought toof straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on anyother part of the world, an' it _is_ the other half of the world, too, Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right underJapan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how underthe sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we did accidentally get ithooked on to us by Dewey's having too much steam up to be able to stophimself afore he'd run over the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to bewillin' to give it away like you do the kittens you ain't got time todrown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it'sthe truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn'tthink much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they putdown some of what they spend in Mexican money an' some in American an'don't tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says hemet some very nice men there an' they was workin' the best they knewhow but they did n't think things were goin' well themselves an' it'splain to be seen that he spoke of 'em just like you give a child a cookyafter a spankin'. What interested me most was there's a Malay countryover there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an' have gotrailroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether civilized now, an' we've hadthe Philippines ten years an' ain't even got the live ones quieted downyet. "

"What do you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly. 

"Oh, " said her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippinequestion since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the warjust because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then as allwars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n'twant to have around no longer an' I must say as I believe him. Mr. Weskin told me as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of yearsas the crusades was a great success as far as gettin' 'em off wasconcerned just for that very reason, an' I guess we're hangin' on to thePhilippines because it's a place a good long ways off to send poorrelations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man didn't need to know hardly anythin' to go there an' I must say from what Isee of the few who have come back they don't look like they spent muchspare time studyin' up while they was in the country. "

Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball. 

"I've got to go home, " she said. "I've just remembered as I forgot tofill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a nice talk about ourforeign possessions an' all I can say in the end is as that whole bookmade me feel just like we'd all ought to get to feel as quick as we can. Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that couldchange 'em don't often feel inclined that way, an' the people who'dlike to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was aPhilippine I'd want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd feel pretty madthat folks as had so many niggers an' Italians that they did n't needChinamen should say I could n't have 'em neither. I'd feel as if Iknowed what was best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of men inanother part of the world for sittin' down on my ideas. However, there'sone thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countriesaround _is_ run, an' pretty well run too, by other countries an' if thePhilippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of'em as know anythin' can easy paddle across to some of them well runcountries in the front half of the book to live, an' as for the rest--"

Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep!

CHAPTER X

THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE

"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. Macy lately, " said Susan Clegg toMrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've been so did up with the gardenan' Elijah an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that I don't believeI've even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain'tseen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe that's one reason why I ain't donenothin' about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't seen her for sheain't been here--she's been over in Meadville stayin' with the Lupeys, an' I must say I'm right put out with Elijah for not puttin' it in thepaper so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein' inMeadville for over a week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as makesme feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an'say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been away an' she's got back, an'when I heard it in the square to-day I did n't mince up no matters nonebut I just set my legs in her direction an' walked out there as fast asI could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in twoweeks!--four more pickets has been knocked off the minister's fence an'most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last, but I was n't out picketin' or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy an'I just kept a-goin' till I got to her. "

"Was she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, she was, " replied Susan, "an' thank the most kind an' mercifulHeavens, there was n't no one else there, so she an' I could just sitdown together, an' it was n't nothin' but joy for her to tell me hidean' hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She got back day beforeyesterday an' she had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she was that woreout; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you knowyourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive headover heels into things, whether her own or other folks', she's beenpretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me, though, even if she did n't come to the door, but only hollered from achair, an' I don't know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she wentover everythin' inside out an' hind side before, an' it was nothin' buta joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit firstan' last what with being specially invited to sit up an' watch nightswith Mrs. Kitts an' then stay to the funeral--"

"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, --"I nev--"

"For after bein' specially invited to help lay her out an' go to thefuneral, " Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a _tall_. "

"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once. 

"No, " said Susan, "an' every one else feels the same as you do about it, too, but it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as shenever went through nothin' to equal these ten days dead or alive, an'she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has gotanythin' but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why, she says Mr. Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was achild playin' with a cat an' a string in comparison to what the Lupeysan' her have been goin' through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She saysall Meadville is witness to the way she's skinned 'em down to the bone. Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after the elevenmonths she _did_ die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an' over bydoctor after doctor till there ain't one in the whole place as ain't madat her about it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupeyis so wore out she can't talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels verybitter over it; she says it's all of six years now since they turned theX-rays through her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sitright down an' cry to think how much them X-rays cost an' how littlegood they done), an' she says it's three years come April Fool's sinceold Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an' found 'emfull of air an' nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so muchfaith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in him then, an' was so sweetan' trustin' when he come with the machine, an' after he was done shefully believed his word of honor as to everythin', an' that was why theywent an' bought her that bell an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I onlywish you _could_ hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts' bell! It seems that kindof bell is a new invention an' as soon as any one is give up for goodthe doctor as gives 'em up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, an'then the man sends it for three days on trial an' then the family buyit, because it lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it's thequietest lookin' small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott, Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put yourhand on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside like one of them newpatent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch amouse, an' then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an' bang like theFourth of July, an' it don't never stop itself again until some one asis perfectly healthy comes tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn itover an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants. "

"I should--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I guess they would, too, " said Susan; "I guess they'd be only too gladto. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do tolive in the house with her mother when she did n't have nothin' but astick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she's got thatbell--! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four worn into justfrazzles with it, an' Judy is got so nervous with it going off suddenwhen Busby an' she is thinkin' about other things that she beginstwitchin' the minute the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to hire aelectric battery to soothe her with while Faith an' Maria is racin' forthe bell. Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful first, last, an'forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven's owntruth as they had n't none of them woke of their own accords once sinceit was bought. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty good judge of sick folks an' shejudged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she could n't feel as sheought in politeness to say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her theround-trip ticket to go an' come back with. But she says just betweenher an' me an' not to let it go any further, that to _her_ order ofthinkin' (an' she'll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kittslooks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the citySunday papers every week. She says she ain't got the quiet, give-upmanner of a person as is really quiet an' really givin' up--she's gotthe spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin' quickwhenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does getawful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy saysMrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them's the sort as outlives all theirfamilies in the end always. But seems as her gettin' low an' thenraisin' up again ain't the only tough part for it seems as she was solow last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city tobuy their mournin' at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em an' theywant the veils thick so they'll look sorry from the outside anyhow. AndMaria did go, an'-- Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about itall does go through one even if it ain't my personal crape! Seems as theclerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin' or just a lightfriendly mournin', an' Maria told him it was _goin'_ to be for hergrandmother. Seems he was n't very polite about it, coughed a good dealbehind his hand an' such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' so madover thinkin' as maybe it was n't all coughin' as he was keepin' hishand over that she lost her wits an' went to work an' bought most twicethe crape she needed just to show him as she was n't tryin' to savenothin' on her grandmother, whatever _he_ might think. So now Mrs. Macysays, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the bell they've got the care of all thatcrape on their hands, an' the damp gathers in it just awful on rainydays, an' of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape on theirclothesline when the dead person ain't died yet, so they're wild overthat, too. They've made their skirts themselves, an' they wanted to dotheir waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin' out an' slimmin'up an' fronts is first hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the back itjust does seem out of the question. They've worried a lot over the veilssince they was bought 'cause they wanted to get into 'em last winter soas to get out of 'em by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. Kittsrallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could stillbe out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but now--Heavens! Mrs. Macy saysthey don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all they ask is to get _into_'em, an' goodness knows when that is _ever_ goin' to happen. She saysMrs. Lupey says what with Judy's divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' rightalong she's going to get moths into her things for the first time in herlife, she just knows she is. It's a pretty hard case any one can see, an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell allout of the notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no man ain't goin' tolike to look forward to Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe--ormaybe Judy 'll live herself--you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin'your back as losin' a grandmother is breakin' theirs. She says whenshe's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause they can all put on theircrape veils an' go straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says this longdrawn out losin' of her with that bell throwed into the bargain issomethin' calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an' nothin' morenor less. "

"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I tell you, they _can't_, " said Susan; "they want to bad enough, butthey can't do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagleeye on it awake, an' her whole hand on the little string when she'sasleep, an' drums 'em up to know if the clock is really right, or if shefeels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on thestring in her sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along with the rest of'em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeysthan any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really doesbelieve that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she'd befully equal to ringin' that bell for 'em till September came an' theycould get 'em for her. She says it would be just like her, she doesdeclare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an' Mrs. Kitts was very pleasant to her, an' give her two pair of black lacemitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs. Lupey's an' the pin was Maria's, so after that she see just how thefamily felt about her an' her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is atragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the only pleasant thing about herwhole visit was as it did n't cost her nothin'. "

"Did she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. Idon't know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know aboutit so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a womanof Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's only a little too small toget along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind ofcrazy on the idea, an' if it ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr. Carter, or bu'st, with her. She says she went to his office just to lethim know she was in Meadville, an' then she see him on the street, an'then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs. Kitts, an' then just before she left she went to his office again to lethim know as she was goin' to come back here. So she see him four timesin all. "

"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised if any of 'em died anyday. That is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't seem to think asMrs. Kitts would ever die. "

"What do--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just nowso I come home an' then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't help bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I ain'tany real relation to you, but we've been neighbors so long that I can'thelp feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of Mrs. Kitts an'wonderin' how long you may be goin' to live in the end. "

CHAPTER XI

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, " said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as sheand her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of thefence, "I can't but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing asyou ever take opposite sides from me on. I don't say as your neverdisagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but there _are_ days as I feel I'denjoy a little discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on those daystill it seems like I can't live to get to you an' do it all alone bymyself. Elijah's a very young man but he's a man after all an' there'ssomethin' about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin'except his own side. Now it don't make any difference what we talkabout I _always_ take the other side, an' I will in confidence remark asthe South fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin' to getElijah to see any side but his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young manan' I declare I don't know I'm sure what ailed him last night--seemed asif he was up a tree about somethin' as made him just wild over theDemocratic party. I must say--an' I said it to his face, too--as to myorder of thinkin' takin' sides about the Democrats nowadays is liketakin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an' allhis chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an' hesaid, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of thecountry if only Bryan would give 'em a chance. He says they 've beenhandicapped so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to have to choosebetween a donkey an' a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensibleperson likes to have to ride on either, an' no politics could _ever_make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from hisears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin' then aboutturnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with a fresh animal as asensible person would find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah, like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an' then shows you how youcan't do better than to sew up the tear an' go on wearin' it again, soafter he'd skinned the donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, hewent on to say as never's a long game an' him laughs best who keepssober longest an' altogether his own feelin' was as America 'll soonperceive her only hope lays in electin' a new Democratic party. I justbroke in then an' told him it looked to me as if the natural run ofmankind would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an' then try itagain more 'n six times more, an' that if the Republicans keep it up asthey have awhile longer no money won't be able to get 'em out 'causethey'll have all the money there is in the country right in with them, but by that time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just shook his head an'asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollarcongress made an' if I'd observed how calm they was took now? I told himI had an' then we went at it hammer an' tongs, Elijah for the Democratsan' me against 'em, although I must say I wished he'd give me the otherside, for in spite of their actin' so silly I must say I always have afeelin' as the most of the Democrats is tryin' to be honest which issomethin' as even their best friend couldn't say of the most of theRepublicans as a general thing. "

"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill comein on us to ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma Mullins toboard for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get alongif they had the house all alone to themselves. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I told him I'd think about it, " said Miss Clegg. "I don't knowI'm sure why I should bed an' board Gran'ma Mullins to help Lucy an'Hiram to try to get along any better. They 're a good deal moreinterestin' to talk about the way they're gettin' along now. I never seeMrs. Macy but what she has somethin' amusin' to tell me about Hiram an'Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. She says the othernight they was all three runnin' round the house one after another for ahour an' she said she most died laughin' to watch 'em. Seems Lucy gotmad an' started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an' Gran'ma Mullinswas so scared for fear she _would_ pull his hair that she run after Lucyto ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finallyhe caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then they all went to bed. Mrs. Macy says that's the way they act all the time, an' she certainly wouldn't see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I'msure I never cooked up that marriage an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked himwhy he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wildto get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd be proper, an' I said I did n't say nothin' about _bed_--I just spoke about board, an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper about boardin' Gran'maMullins he'd ought not to of mentioned the subject to me. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him to say then, of course; but law!I did n't see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; what I wanted wasfor him to go so Elijah an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah thinks ourpaper ought to come out strong now that we've got one an' he said hewould in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointedthings soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plansan' the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicanssay how many they'll have in each state an' then they never fail to have'em an' that's a national disgrace for nobody ought to know beforehandhow a election is goin' to pan out for it would n't be possible if folkswas anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an' worked up thinga Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country evergets nowadays, an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' our eyes over'em every four years like they was somethin' new. 

"I bu'st in then an' said as there was sure to come a change afore longwith prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction bound to drop in theend. Elijah laughed then an' said he knowed well enough as when thedeluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em justlike that rich man who grabbed the clerk an' held him in front of him, when they throwed that bomb at him in his office. "

"At the--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes. 

"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of himso the clerk caught it all. That's what they call presence of mind, an'as far as my observation 's extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans havegot full as much of it--they must have, for they both make money rightstraight along an' I've observed myself as they always step out when acrash comes an' let the Democrats in to do the economizin' till there'senough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold againwhich comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, I see after a little as it was n't no use talkin' to Elijah so I justhad to listen to him an' he really did kind of frighten me in the end. Livin' with an editor an' readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has openedmy eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived in a small town all my life butI've got brains an' there's no use denyin' as a woman with brains canapply 'em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once shegets to thinkin' on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an'it's all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's told us an' notlookin' into nothin' for ourselves. We've got the Philippines now an'we've got Hawaii an' we've got the niggers an' we've got ever so manyother things. We've got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thingan' the Italians comin' in by the thousands an' more old soldiers bein'born every year an' the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans outfilin' their pensions--an' we owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijahsays we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think that's enough in allconscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it didten years ago an' he knows that for a fact, an' you an' I know that, too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' else. I tell you I gotkind of blue, thinkin' about it after I went to bed last night an' ittook me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over notbein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on account of the rain, thananythin' else; but then too, Mr. Shores is very much cast down over thecountry, only I must admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't reallyhalf as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an' thenthere's Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an' we all know thatthat's just 'cause he's always been called 'judge' ever since he wasborn, an' nobody ain't never made him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet. I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congresshe'd cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n'tknow how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin'. He don't likethat cut of Elijah's being David to the city papers bein' Goliath. Hesays a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an'I don't know but what he's right. 

"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an' that's a fact, but still Iwill say this much an' that is that as far as my observation 'sextended folks as complains openly of anythin' is always findin' faultwith the thing because there's some secret thing as they can't findfault openly with, like Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' hiswife. The world's great for takin' its private miseries out publicly insome other direction, an' my own feelin' is as the Democrats is a greatcomfort to every one as the Republicans can't very conveniently givenothin' to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy aminister to somewhere there'd be a great change of opinion as topolitics in this town, you'd see. It would n't give Sam any more brains, but every one 'd be pleased an' the Democrats would n't cut no figure nomore. "

"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"That's just it, " said Susan, "that's just the trouble. We're like mostof the rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' the Philippines, toolittle an' too far off to make the big folks really care whether welike the way they do or not. I don't have no idea of carin' whetherpotato bugs mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter what they said aboutme before or after their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' that's justabout the way our government feels about us. An' I guess most othergovernments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potatobugs is gettin' worse an' thicker all the time. "

CHAPTER XII

THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY

As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk. 

"I don't care, " she said, "let it squawk!"

"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set thebasket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herselfdown. 

"Let it squawk, " Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough forothers so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little whilewithout troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kindto take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickenswhen it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin'it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, butstill a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the leasther friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for meto take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with aunder-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck onher mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidenceremark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that ducktwo minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped incomparison to the way as he's been dealt with. "

"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end, " saidMiss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket, bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting doorfirmly behind her. 

"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"It's really quite a long story, " returned her friend; "but I come injust to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when shewent in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' Iwill say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one afteranother I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpetslippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin'her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make anyone as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it'sspoiled or not. An' so I took this duck. "

"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop. 

"You think not now, " said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, foras I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to beginright off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but youknow me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so youcan rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get itfresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs. Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plasteron to her when I left. "

"But--" expostulated the listener. 

"Well, now this is how it was, " said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'wayback in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's veryneedful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nighto half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's wellfor us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearlylearn just how much it takes to use her up. 

"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go totown to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch withBusby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' inMeadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town ontwo changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any timeshe or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happyto have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' herhusband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well, Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an'made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address onone side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wroteher shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes asis warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an'newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, shesays she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the veryreason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere. 

"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how anyone could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' LutherStott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S. W. , an' that was veryimportant too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the citybesides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city islaid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where theylive anyhow. 

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks tobe afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new inventiontried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says shenever was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rodfor pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struckonce yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooledby a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled bya minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess ifthis last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she livesthat long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too. 

"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister asdone her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! Shesays after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last weekshe surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for onewhile; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt theminister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it atfirst, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make himthe six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian, but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last oneas she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell. 

"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to herkeen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'nfairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridgean' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his newmemory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in hereyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, asshe can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of allthings, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as ifthere's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memorysystem to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister'sis a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward forworkin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capitalletters spell 'Memory, ' an' then you send the answers to the magazinean' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memorysystem complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in atwo-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause hefelt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents!Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the'Y, ' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be recklesswith two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' thebook come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no onestamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' theminister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' thenMrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him goan' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no moremistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose ministerout walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a manacross a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a newprinciple an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy. 

"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an'open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted notto pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' sheopened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they wasKulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told himas she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe getpinched again. 

"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin'particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he toldher as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to townwithout it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easythrow the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was sheto remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the pieceof paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her howto remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long asit was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, butthe first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of, which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him asit did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an'she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a longwhile an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that inall her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' auncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'dsurely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it inher face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system. Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to MotherGoose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' theminister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He wenton to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says shethought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scatthat they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the wayit goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an'where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturallyremind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat uponthree legs. ' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is fourlegs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?

[Illustration: "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_. '"_Page_ 179. ]

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was justabout plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore himwith her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under thesun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said thatwas all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot allabout Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said forher to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs satupon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' sodumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain, she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain'tnothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest getsawfuller an' awfuller!

"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have torun for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She saidshe got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour allthe way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin'ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it allshe had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as aclock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare eventake her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to landall wore out. 

"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott'swife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore upalong with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin'havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon threelegs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin'long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an'her shoes. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She saysnobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down anotherlike a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n'tknow where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in thedirectory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' asfor her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad atthe minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriagethen an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her, if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her prideinto her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Twolegs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes. She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said itreminded him more of pants than shoes. 

"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart wastoo low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin'along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was aforeshe left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_. Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an'Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over hershoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla neversaw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had areason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street. 

"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her, an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how livelyan' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all theway home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an'three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in thefamily. "

Susan paused and drew a long breath. 

Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck wasDrusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any onehad told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck, or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb, she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was. "

"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, " said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as toldby Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me. " She paused and drew a stilllonger breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got afriend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four littlered-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctorwhat it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was agolden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So hegive it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday. Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to theanimal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all theblack spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tubto swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in thebottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'emeverywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an'when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give herthe duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So thatwas how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's sodreadful pleasant. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted whattravelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say asshe really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it couldswim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them putit in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunchon, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an'the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin', but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it feltitself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an'stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she wasgettin' off for her duck instead of her depot. 

"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of thecity alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybebelieve as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb whenshe realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't knowDrusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says asshe felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near byan' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she saysshe never will know what possessed her but she just looked thattelephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of thecar company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' howquick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' politeenough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the differencebetween a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin'for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an'she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an'made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark shewanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred, considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had tooverlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, asany one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know whatit was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a littlemore an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that shehad been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was sodisrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told himso far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she hadthe duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise herto try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through thatway, an' then without a word more he hung up. 

"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She sayswhen she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' thatmade her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of thestore an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to workan' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' giveMrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set offagain. 

"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't oldDr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carterfrom Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, soshe an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thinghe asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' shelaughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' theduck flew down the car. 

[Illustration: "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car. '"_Page_ 188. ]

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both toMrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged inone seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to theJunction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' theduck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just aboutas soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duckseems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right offan' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duckor a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' hetold her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to theduck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck. He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an'then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the waytryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says asshe certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it'sall straight about the spider an' the he and the she. 

"Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck inthe rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an'what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister hadclean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs. Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught aflea, ' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to beseen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have hismemory system applied to her backward. 

"She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put onher felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost dayby rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in herEgyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her. "

"Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, she's alive, " said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an'it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if shewas n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'llever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on hisnose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bedthree days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--althoughgoodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think oftryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macyfrom under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an'had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if anyone doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hearMrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith. "

"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' letme get through to the end, " said her friend. "I got this part all backan' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home bythe other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin'an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. Ihope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's beensuch a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I everhear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as Ican for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated likeMrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitatedthe angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an'she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keepsshootin' into her wrist an' back again. "

"But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given toeconomizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say asMrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day'sa example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out ofyourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I'veno patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr. Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for itexcept fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy wasunder the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' hesays a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel toblame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she doeseverythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want toset her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs. Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet. Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under thestove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as theidea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs. Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as sheturned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went towork an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then shefelt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so shethought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in thecarpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back onthe floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' asshe hit the floor, she was _took_. 

"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solidhour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful itwas, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith wasshoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy wasdiscussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take todiscussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an'Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope outof a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very owndoor-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet camefor the cullender. 

"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' seeMrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody. 

"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up hercarpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. Butthen she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawlunder no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter, an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was thematter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' shesays the way she yelled!

"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by thehead, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as heragonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she justbegged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs. Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy wentfor young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs. Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for theywanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes gotused to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go inthe kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs. Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' thenas he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over withthe tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelledwherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays throughher, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'dbe no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter withher. 

"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she couldn't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' theblacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs. Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across afootstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' witha yell like Judgment Day they sat her up. 

"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was atack stickin' square in the middle of her back!

"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesseshe's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve inalcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he wasgoin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' hesays Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'causeshe says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins wasmaddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems asDrusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence shenever could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck. "

"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I shall fat him an' eat him. "

"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further. 

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as shesee it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was toodone up to go any further at the minister just then. "

"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally. 

"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch nospider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will, I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be byparboilin' instead of spiders. "

So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed. 

CHAPTER XIII

MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES

Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when shehad given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyondthe limits of her own fence. 

Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday forSaturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noonon Sunday. 

So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alonefor years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church, her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had nostrings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about anhour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely tenminutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of herown when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute whento expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting. 

One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usualcourse of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's andsitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but shediffered from her usual course by her expression, which--usually blandand fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning mostbitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure. 

"Well, " said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speakpleasantly, "was--"

"No, " said Susan, "I should say not. " Then she unpinned her hat and ranthe pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out herwords to the full. 

"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--"

"Well, I can't help it if you are, " said Miss Clegg, "you don't have togo Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you hadwhat you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd berammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when Isay as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully asoften as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't telljust what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an'clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an'throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it wasthe Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to developout of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount withus all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if ourlegs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of asputs me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they wasreally new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hillsan' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever Ihear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down inthe square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the worldwas gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the nightafore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was?What _do_ you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, Ifelt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too onlyI'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o'currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein'anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say asRachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an'seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hopeas some other new thought had n't run off with her, too. 

"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway, for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what Icould be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijahis in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awfulfeelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church whilethe man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant tobe about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about, but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundaysthan any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelesslylookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to theminister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs inchurch clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the ministergets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' betweennot likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'mbeginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin'besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian, but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' somany folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with commonsense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has hishouse an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance tolearn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister theyain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet, sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. Aminister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke tokeep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even ifhe wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em alittle rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hoursa week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more usefulthan as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Josephanyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to knowabout either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. Iwas talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they allagreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin'to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it. 

"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity. 

"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an'dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up allnight to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was therean' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'nglad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too. 

"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' aboutHeaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven, 'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an'there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don'tache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us. Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an'then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understandwhat's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliathcould of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an'we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought tomind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would ofgive Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Everyone was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see howthe idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to knowwhat a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt, an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' ofa war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet saidas Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in thecity as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a latticean' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the otherday she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein'jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' thedog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked moredrunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules aboutdogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showedshe took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she shouldthink as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked upinto havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brownis out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' holdher hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hourlonger than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o'runnin' into trees in the dark. "

"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. 

"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it, " said Susan; "shethinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes toeat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You knowyourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, abouthow all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be thecalf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this newidea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new bookif we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to allthe week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about whatnext. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if thesquare only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why weshould n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion isas the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to beso dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trialsenough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin'house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all knowanyhow. "

"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. 

"No, I would n't look for that, " said Susan; "every one has their limitsan' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n'tever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin'real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigailhangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n'tteach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca, an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin'text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter. "

"Well--" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly. 

"I'm goin' home to Elijah now, " said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matterup with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roamsaround while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to besound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this forhim, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enoughto get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. IfI was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirredout of bed while I was gone--but I am sharper than others an' it'll takea sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold thatglitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time tofind out what he's alone in the midst of. "

CHAPTER XIV

ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES

"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah, " saidSusan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in hisideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin'everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' Ihate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again newevery mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nightsan' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think hecould n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goesright on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turnthe town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather notknow, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as nowwe know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make himkick more than ever. "

"Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. 

"He set on the porch for an hour with me last night, " Susan went on, "tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says apaper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a townain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. Hesays no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd haveours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for alittle as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for whenyou come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen hereas had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with hisclerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't standsittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs. Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' outo' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where shewanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just hadto up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill ofher, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' onMr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approveof every thin' as his wife ever done. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems tothink as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked meif I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as hecould uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody evercovers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knowseverythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'causeGran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucyis always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins sayswhen she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' hisSundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother invain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't beput to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got nodoubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter aboutmarriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a goldenweddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an'standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n'tin love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o'terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now asHiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert islandalone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular, she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near, she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen herthey'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to herrescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; hesaid there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an'could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an'it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, howcontented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does thecookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin'else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin'it. 

"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there wasn't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiramis the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He askedthen if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or aslaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He saidsomebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print allabout it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business, an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feelvery much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n'thelp a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so. 

"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain'tgot no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never doesnothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at thelatest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody inthis town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'roundpretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o'you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift allright. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they doeverybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to beeatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be thefirst to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't toowell known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, ifanybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'them as is n't, an' that's my views. 

"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathywith this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful thingsis. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage outo' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy seeher chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself. Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagreewith no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees withhim, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that Iain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back toher father. 

"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but allabout insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyondthe understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remembera thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble withthis country, --they don't remember nothin', --everybody forgetseverythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o'San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's asdead as Moses. 

"That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comesto exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who readabout it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's differentan' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijahwas turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them paperswould be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I verycarefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's driedapples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose deadcat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't tillshe smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Browngets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there'sa good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o'Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' toset Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an'the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to gowrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin'right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stufffrom some one else beside me. "

"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, I don't say that, " said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an'I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't likeshowed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business ofshowin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an'it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way of Elijah. There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an'readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause agreat deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it onlyhelps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shallhold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, the paper'll do just as well, " said Susan; "he's goin' to print onesheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'llput new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zestthat way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest agood ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, forin his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in theend. "

"Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, no, " said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed arose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'emon a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an'as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for apresent the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself. "

CHAPTER XV

THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE

"Well, where--" began Mrs. Lathrop in a tone of real pleasure at seeingMiss Clegg come into her kitchen one afternoon a few days after. 

Miss Clegg dropped into a chair. 

"Well, I _have_ got trouble now!" she announced abruptly, "Elijah'ssick!"

"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"--Jah, " finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sickall night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence remark as I hopethis'll be a lesson to him to never do it again, for I've got a feelin'in my legs as 'll bear me out in lettin' him or any one else die aforeI'll ever work again like I've worked to-day an' last night. "

"Why, what--"

"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"

"No, I--"

"Yes, I supposed so, " said Susan, resignedly; "I know your ways, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I never look for any other ways in you. It's good as Idon't, for if I did I'd be blind from lookin' an' not seein'. I knowyou, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' I realize to the full howdifferent they are from me an' my ways, but a friend is a friend an'what can't be endured has got to be cured, so I come to tell you aboutElijah just the same as I do anythin' else as is easy heard. "

"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when I come out, but he had his penan' said he was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in bed. He can'tget out of bed on a'count of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if hewants anythin' so it don't matter if I do leave for a little while. Shecome an' offered an' I don't see why she should n't have a chance toget married the same as any other girl, so I set her in the next rooman' told her not to go near him on no a'count, an' naturally there ain'tnothin' as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for Elijah to feel he'd oughtto be workin' on his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as he had n'tought to be spoke to. I don't say as I consider Elijah any great catch, but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' at him with her mouth open Iain't one to deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very fair young man asyoung men go, an' I think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenthscan have a time tryin' to be happy with him. If she ain't happy long itwon't be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his wife 'll be happy asany other man is. "

"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. He woke me last night, tappin' onmy door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis on both sides at once. "

"On both--"

"That's what he said. Well, as soon as I got awake enough to know as Iwas n't asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow an' I sat up in bed an'hollered back to him to take ten sips o' water, hold his breath while hecounted fifteen, an' go back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get upwith no two-sided appendicitis in the middle o' no night if I could helpit, an' I knowed anyhow as it was only some of them dried apples o' Mr. Kimball's as was maybe lodged here an' there in him an' no harm done ifhe'd only let me sleep. 

"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' lettin' me sleep while he set upalone with his own two sides. There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop, as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be wokeup. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with acandle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear hersneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I mustbe up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep Itold him to set a mouse trap two times afore my senses come to me an'then when they did I was mad. I tell you I was _good_ an' mad too. I puton my slippers an' father's duster as I always keep hangin' to mybedpost to slip on or dust with just as I feel to need it on or dustin', an' I went to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done up in a sort o'ring o' rosy, groanin' an' takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyeslike he thought he could make me feel pleased at bein' woke up. But Iwas n't goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, a stitch intime saves nine, an' I hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to wake melike that, not while there's maybe a chance of me havin' him to boardmore 'n the three months I promised. I saw as I was gettin' into theduster as all my comfort depended on how I acted right then an' therean' I was decided to be firm. I stood by the bed an' looked at him hardan' then I says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you wake me up for?''No one ever felt nothin' like this, ' he says; 'I've got two appendixesan' I can feel another comin' in my back. ' 'Elijah, ' I said, 'don't talknonsense. You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm woke up what do youwant me to do?' I leaned over him as I said it an' let a little hotcandle grease drip on his neck an' he give a yowl an' straightened outan' then give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll make you some gingertea, ' I says, 'an' put a mustard plaster wherever you like best, ' Isays, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone, ' I says, an' so I wentdownstairs an' set to work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that tea an' Ibet I made it strong; I put some red pepper in it, too, an' poured alittle mucilage into the plaster, for I may in confidence remark as Ididn't intend as Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' me up in thenight again. Then I went upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole ofthe cup at one gulp! You never see no one so satisfied with nothin' inall your life! He fell back like he was shot an' said, 'Scott, Scott, Scott, ' until really I thought as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where doyou want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, 'On my throat, I guess. ' Isays, 'No, Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' me up is nothin' tojoke over. You put this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't wake me upagain unless you feel for more tea. ' I spoke kind, but he could see as Ifelt firm an' I set the candle down an' went back to bed. 

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think, --what _do_ you think? Seems asElijah was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another place that he wentan' put the _sheet_ between him an' the plaster an' glued himself alltogether. This mornin' when he awoke up there he was with the sheetstuck firm to him an' I must say I was very far from pleased when hehollered to me an' I went in an' found him lookin' more like a kite thananythin' else an' not able to dress 'cause he could n't take off hissheet. 'Well, Elijah, you _have_ done it now, I guess, ' I says; 'Inever see nothin' the beat o' this. If I have to send for young Dr. Brown to take that sheet off you, you'll be in the papers from theearthquake to Russia an' back again. ' Well, that was all there was to doan' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the milk I had to ask her to go up toyoung Dr. Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as soon as he could an'amputate Elijah out o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' he had atime, I tell you! We worked with water an' we worked with hot water, wetried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick when Elijah was n'texpectin', but it was all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see such aplaster, he said it'd be a fortune for mendin' china. Then we got thedish-pan an' tried layin' Elijah face down across it an' pilin' books onhis back to keep the right place in front soakin', but even that didn'thelp. Dr. Brown said in the end as he thought the only way maybe wouldbe to do all the corners of the sheet up in a paper an' let Elijahcarry it hugged tight to him an' wear father's duster down to the crickan' sit in it till he just slowly come loose. But Elijah did n't want togo bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself as if Meadville heardof it we'd surely be very much talked about, so finally Dr. Brown saidhe thought as he'd go home an' study up the case, an' I let him go for Ihad my own ideas as to how much he knew about what was makin' thetrouble. So he went an' then I got dinner an' took some up to Elijah an'told him jus' what I thought of the whole performance. I talked kind butI talked firm an' I done a lot of good, for he said he did n't know butit would be better if he arranged to live with the Whites after theFourth of July 'cause he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good deal oftrouble to me. I told him I hadn't a mite of doubt as he was a good dealof trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. I had to stop talkin' to himan' go down an' tell her what was the matter. She said right off as heridea would be to shut the windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah jus'work himself loose from the inside out. I told her about the mucilagethough an' then she changed her views an' said I'd best fold the sheetneatly an' let him wear it till he wore it off next time he growed a newskin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told we keep sheddin' our skins the sameas snakes an' that that's really what makes our clothes need washin' sooften. She said the moral was plain as by the time the sheet'd needwashin' Elijah would shed it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she saidan' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' Mrs. Sweet come in an' herview was all different. She said as Elijah would find that sheet a mostawful drag on him an' to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go down towhere Mr. Kimball makes his dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. Shesays he can steam out very fast an' Mr. Kimball bein' his uncle 'llnaturally let him sit in the vat for nothin'. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I don't know, " said Susan; "Lucy come in while we was sittin'there an' she said her view'd be for me just to take a firm hold of thesheet an' walk straight out of the room without a so much as 'by yourleave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' the sheet if I did thatway. An' then Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was as I'd best sit an'sop Elijah with a sponge, which just shows why Hiram is so tore in twobetween such a mother an' such a wife's views. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop again. 

"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when I left an' 'Liza Em'ly waslookin' at him an' sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you all aboutit. "

Just here a piercing scream was heard from across the way. 

"My--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. 

Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the door; as she opened it ElizaEmily was seen flying down the Clegg steps. 

"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from Mrs. Lathrop's steps. 

"Elijah dropped his pen, " screamed Eliza Emily in reply, "an' when hereached for it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose. "

"Did he tear the sheet any?"

"No, but he thinks he's tore himself. "

Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards her own house. 

"You can see I've got to go, " she called back to her friend over hershoulder; "this is what it is to have a man livin' in your house, Mrs. Lathrop. "

CHAPTER XVI

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore onMiss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings andmore and more severe as to the same. 

"He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her. 

"I don't care if he is, " she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man isa man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if Iain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel gotmarried, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. Itell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have aman around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eatsan' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. Ibegin to see what men invented gettin' married for, --it was so theycould kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained upat home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijaha _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an'more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay inthe square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits, an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is forno better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way aman gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijahan' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurryan' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feelmad at myself--I certainly do. 

"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl inthe world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to himan' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make nomore impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear. "

"Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about herjust so long as it's about her. 

"I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinionof it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to bedone with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful aboutHenry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an'open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himselfmarried an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point hisindex finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequitedaffection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ couldhave unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n alittle hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain HenryWard Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far pastrestrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it'sgospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all overhimself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror. "

"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, I should say so, " said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs. Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! Ilike all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I shouldregard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her waycould ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no riversafire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teethturned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticedin a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her isgood-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-heartedis about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folksin this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't findnothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensibleperson'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart, for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow. 

"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, stillshe can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. Shesays Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts herwhole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry WardBeecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. Shesays she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as itain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way hehangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull herpatience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have agarter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around herall the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slimafter a remark like that. 

"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now;he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's ina state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns thebusiness, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he wasstirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one singleholler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an'Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he toldme as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard himfrom the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very muchtook with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see HenryWard Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' theSweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough tomake him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's fatherhad gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' shesaid it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarterHenry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is asEmma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smartenough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just suchanother an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug. "

"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly. 

"No, " said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is alwaysnothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyesover any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucywanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in thehouse while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa everytime regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an'Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin'but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' toLucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one ofher hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bitof dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in Hiscracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's ahard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps'em out. 

"While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry WardBeecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display inMr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' hewaited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' PollyWhite. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get overit your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wastedall around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kindo' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' todo with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry WardBeecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched himlike combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said asMr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea. "

"Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively. 

"I don't know why not, " said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's aidiot--"

"Mr. Sper--"

"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thingas we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess thereal truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him bysight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into hishead to kill some one an' so gives others the idea as he's safer shutup, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown onmy way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. Shesaid she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd asshe'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with himyears ago when she had him that time as the minister went to theSperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o'thinkin' Mr. An' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiotsthemselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em butthey've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' astwo full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public butactually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes herwish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorryshe's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town. She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an'she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said asthe way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but ajoy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decentafterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. Shesays she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father wasmarried, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. An' Mrs. Sperritgo on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the wholething. "

"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Mrs. Fisher said, " continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got usedto lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for himafore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kindof is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr. Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted herbedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her partshe always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one goodto only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiotherself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisherafterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr. Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o'sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I didn't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any manas I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surelylook to see the cake when he come home. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I know; but you always spoiled him, " said Susan. "Well, what was Isayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the otherday as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; thedoctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from hisgreat-grandfather. "

"His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Grandfather, " said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an'Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but themother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from thegreat-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for thePrevention of Cruelty to Animals. "

"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'dkill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctorssaid as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the familybrains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than theythought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paidfor the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too. "

"The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"--Mother's, " said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their backfence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice notto go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deafan' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear whathe did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see thetrain an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vesselyellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fellover right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all thenewspapers all over the country even if the mother--"

"The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Er, " said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the windowso quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on herhead. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family ofthe idiot for three generations afore him. "

"I ain't sure, " said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. 

"I ain't either, " said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. Noone in Meadville never was. "

"An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, as to that, " said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot. Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him, an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' oneanother, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' thinkhow happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It'smarryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard itis to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the housewith Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw thecurtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of hispitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' tobe mussed up again. "

Susan sighed deeply. 

"How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"I said three months, " said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over theFourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't butjust live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as hemakes you happy, bein' around the house. "

CHAPTER XVII

AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH

"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its headthis time, " said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sundaybefore the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paperain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an'everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after churcheverybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all thetime. "

"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop. 

"The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper, "replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after churchto-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says. Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr. Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted himafore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store thathad just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimballsays as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' allways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijahcomin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' Julywithout no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijahought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; hesays punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot ofodds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anywayjust by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks isgoin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'llbe over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week tocalm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday todecide an' buy their fireworks, too. 

"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin'for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day, but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to aspeech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get astill crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin'for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch. Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience thatway in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter onlysome one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he waslookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if asparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him bystuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around hishead, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when heplayed the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that justmade him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up. 

"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get atanyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an'she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, evenif they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eatin the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants toeat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes inthe woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an'jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says thatpart of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she neverhear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the oxto be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an'when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says shethinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' apile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore, 'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides sheseen a picture of one once. 

"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too. She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she justknows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they'reready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She saysit's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat diesanywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screwsthey send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him theheaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator camefor Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an'not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to saverates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder. She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted wholeanyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in thefirst place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an'twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a oxdon't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' theliver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an'dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' thepit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell heras anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked. 

"Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their ownlunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'causePolly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have anyfireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he saidhe wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter. 

"He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bringtheir own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule wouldapply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to thelunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close hean' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' whenyou ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was alwaysfunny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones outsomewhere, as we all know. 

"The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the oxis in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall dohis part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remarkas to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way tocommemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says heshould have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donationtowards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way tospend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' tobake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says aox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'his own accord. 

"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they'reall goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on thatRussian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an'she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see thegirl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she canhear about the ox when she comes back. 

"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o'microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that newsmell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' tohave huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet daywaitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown saysyoung Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like thatone that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems toobad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with thathandsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for aprize. " Susan paused. 

"Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never hadnothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' todo with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people wasvery foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. Weall buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess wedo a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our teaan' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap inEngland an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us. Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on alow tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddlewith the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I hada long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know, I'msure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly dotalk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was verykind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him downcompletely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. Hesays he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in oldentimes. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up bythe handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'. "

"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, of course not, " said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tailan' horns, can't they?"

CHAPTER XVIII

CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY

"Well, " said Miss Clegg to her friend the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'mthankful to say as the game is up to-morrow an' Elijah moves out of myhouse. We never had no Fourth o' July like this afore an' every one isprayin' as we'll never have such another again. It was really verypeaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection was thirty-two cents, so that shows as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but you couldsee as they was all nervous an' even the minister kept lookin' anxiouslyout of the window whenever he thought as he heard a noise. Mr. Weskinsays he thinks a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected comes undersome head as lets the insurance get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'lltake the case for the Browns on even halves for his heart is full o'sympathy for 'em. The Browns was in church themselves to-day, all butAmelia, an' I had the story from them straight for the first time. YoungDr. Brown says he can't understand any of it; he says the stuff must bestirred in a barrel for two hours without stoppin' an' he says he'll letany man breathe a suspicion as his mother stopped after he once set herat it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't stop neither, she says when she couldn't move her arms any more for love or money, she stuck the broomstickthrough her belt an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept the stuffstirrin' so. They poured in the acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr. Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so they put a live fly in eachroom, shut the doors between, shut all the windows, took the silver outon the lawn, an' then threw a match into the barrel an' run out the coalcellar door. 

"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't able to speak of it yet, butMrs. Brown says her own view of it will always be as it was a explosion. She says as she can't see how you could call it anythin' else in theworld. She says they was all sittin' in the arbor an' Amelia was justgettin' into the hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin' on the King o'Spain's honeymoon in the paper, with a picture of a bullfight toillustrate it, when she heard such a noise as she never will forgetagain in all her life to come. She says her first thought was as Ameliahad bu'st the hammock, for she says she tries to be kind to the bosomwife of her chosen son, but Amelia is surely most awful hard on anythin'as you get in an' out of, but then she heard the second noise, an' shesays to her dyin' day she won't be able to swear to nothin' but as shethought it was San Francisco quakin' right in our very middle. Why, shesays, she never for one second doubted as it was a earthquake. Thecanary-bird cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room window, all thechimneys went down with a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted. Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown did n't really know which way toturn for a minute. They could n't seem to think whether their first dutywas to shake Amelia or run around to the front of the house. The windowswas blowin' out as fast as they could an' the most awful smellin' smokeyou ever smelt was pourin' out after them! She said the smell was badenough when she was stirrin' the stuff in the barrel, but exploded, itwas just beyond all belief. In the end they left Amelia an' run 'roundbehind the house an' if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids comin'bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers from the pillows just rainin'down like snow! They run aroun' to the side an' there was Amelia'ssheets o' music all over the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glasslids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin' gold-rimmed china, an' infront an' on top of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out!

"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then an' every one was at homegettin' ready for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down town a _tall_. He was all of ten minutes findin' any one an' when he found him it wasonly Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says as gettin' out a fire engine withMr. Shores an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she trusts will never beher lot again. She says Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine tillafter the cover was folded up neatly an' then he wanted to dust thewheels afore runnin' it out. Then after it was run out an' got to thehouse, if there wa'n't no hose, an' Dr. Brown had to run away back tothe engine house for the hose an' while he was runnin' he met JohnBunyan runnin' too an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was kept coiledup in the part as sticks up behind the engine like a can. So they runback together an' got it out an' run with it to the well an' Dr. Brownwas so excited he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs. Brown says she wasnigh too mad by this time with the house explodin' all over again everyfew minutes an' things as you never have around comin' sailin' out o'the windows right in people's faces when they was only there to beneighborly an' look on. She was runnin' back an' forth an' explainin' asit was n't for want o' stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when SamDuruy come runnin' an' seems there's always another hose tied up underthe engine an' he unhooked that an' John Bunyan built a fire in the holefor fire while they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but oh my, thehouse was too far gone to be saved by that time. So they pumped some onAmelia just to try the hose, an' then they helped pick up the things aswas blowed out of the windows. Mrs. Brown says it was all most awful an'she knows from her son's face as he thinks it was all because shestopped stirrin' sometimes durin' the two hours an' she declares withtears as she never stopped stirrin' once--not _once_. 

"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick from the smell shows as all theflies they put in the rooms must of surely been killed, so theexperiment's a success in one way at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part wayhome with me an' we had a nice talk about the Browns. She says theBrowns is most amusin' always in the ways they use flies; she says whenyoung Dr. Brown was little, Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in thesugar-box when she went down to the square for things so she could tellwhen she come back whether he'd been at the sugar, an' so let the flyout. She says young Dr. Brown cured her o' that happy thought by takin'the fly out himself when she was down town one time an' puttin' a madbee in instead. She says she guesses Dr. Brown has given her many alittle lesson like that or he'd never be able to keep her stirrin'anythin' as smells for two hours. "

"Where--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her husband of course an' Mrs. Brownis goin' over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy says maybe old Dr. Carter will marry her now as she ain't got any house to be attached to. I don't see why that would n't be a good end for Mrs. Brown, she canstep right into Mrs. Carter's shoes--an' her clothes, too, for thatmatter, for he never give away a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too, though, she wanted her nieces to have a souvenir an' he give one thewaist an' the other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs. Fisher sayswhat he would n't give away to no man for love or money was all herunion underwear for winter. Seems she always wore the best an' finest, an' when she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them union suits an'wear 'em out himself. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, an' I would n't either, " said Miss Clegg; "there would n't be nocomfort marryin' a man whose first wife could n't call even her unionsuits her own after she died, not to my order of thinkin'. "

"Was--" asked her friend. 

"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that was n't a success a _tall_. Theyspread the tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the first place an' Mrs. Macy says shad bones is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had to dowhile eatin' as a consequence. She says they very soon found out as theywas under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children run into a burr-patchafter dinner. The minister tried to teach the twins to fish an' the bankcaved in with 'em all three, an' the minister had to go all the way homethat way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat in her eye an' Hiram walked wayback to town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the gnat out, an'crossin' the bridge he sneezed an' the flaxseed just disappearedcompletely, an' Lucy would n't let him go back again, so all she coulddo was to keep a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr. Dillclimbed up a tree to show as he could still climb up a tree an' a branchbroke an' tore him so bad he had to walk home with the minister, --Iguess every one's glad the Fourth's over. "

"How's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the day. He says it's him for town whenthere 's anythin' goin' on in the country. He come back lookin' likehe'd really enjoyed himself, but I was afraid he was goin' to have afever at first he talked so queer in his sleep that night an' began allhis sentences with 'Here's to--' an' then stopped in a most curious way. I was very much relieved when I see him come downstairs the nextmornin', only his appetite ain't what it was yet. "

"May--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any one for him to be in love withanyhow unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too smart for any girl inthis community an' he ain't got a single picture among his things nor aletter as I don't know who wrote it. I thought at first as he used tocall 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after we have dumplin's, but itain't 'Annie' he says; it's 'Aunty, ' an' heaven knows a aunt never brokeno man's heart yet. "

Susan rose to go home. 

"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway, " she said as she took up herparasol and mitts. "I think it's always a great strain on the country, but even if no one never likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must keepon havin' it with us year after year, for Elijah says as, as a nation, we're so proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an' everybody, that we'lldie afore we'll go on one step further. He says what's one day o' terrora year beside the idea as we're free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullinssays all she can say is as she thanks God for every Fourth o' July asleaves Hiram whole, for he's the only apple she's got for her eye an'she'd go stark ravin' mad if anythin' was to tear him apart in the dreamof his youth. "

"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously. 

"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or did n't now, " said Miss Clegg;"to-night's my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him to be sure an' behome early. We'll try an' part pleasantly even though I should be mightymad at him if I thought as he was half as glad to go as I am to get ridof him. I don't like the ways of a man in the house, Mrs. Lathrop, --theyseem to act like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em around. I can't seewhere they ever got the idea in the first place, but it certainly doesseem to stick by 'em most wonderful. "

"There--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

Susan turned her head. 

"Yes, that's him comin', " she said; "well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop. I'll come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm free of him, bag an'baggage. "

"Yes, " said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"

"Yes, I do, too, " said Miss Clegg, "but you see I said for three monthsan' the three months ain't up till to-morrow. "

CHAPTER XIX

EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE

"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, " said Miss Clegg, coming over the evening after, weary but triumphant, "Elijah is gone an' I tell you I'll never be tootender-hearted for my own good again. I won't say but what it was me an'nobody else as brought him down on my own head, but I must fully an'freely state as it's certainly been me an' no one else as has had tohold my own head up under him. An' he _has_ been a load!

"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that man's stockin's alone has took meabout one mornin' a week, an' as to buttons--well, I never knew a editorcould bu'st 'em off so fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took off, orfoldin' back things into the drawer where they belongs, why, a monkeyswingin' upside down by his tail is busy carefully keepin' housecompared to Elijah Doxey. 

"I never see such a man afore! If Hiram's anythin' like him I don'tblame Lucy for battin' him about as she does. I did n't suppose suchways could be lived with in oneself. An' that table where he wrote!Well! I tell you I've got it cleared off to-night an' my clean curtainsfolded off on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again, I can tell you_that_. 

"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin' gettin' him off to-day an' Idid feel to feel real sober while I was hangin' his mattress back to therafters in the attic, but when I remembered as I'd never see thembedclothes kicked out at the foot again I cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Browncome in just afore supper an' she seemed to think it was some queer as Iwas n't goin' to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't know me. 'Mrs. Brown, ' I says, 'your son was a doctor an' you can't be expected toknow what it is to board a editor, so once bit, soonest mended. She'smournin' over her burnt house yet, so she could n't really feel tosympathize with me, but I had n't time to stop an' mourn with her, --Iwas too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set. 

"He got a good deal of ink around the room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shallmake Mr. Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover free, seein' as he'shis nephew; but I don't see as he done any other real damage. I lookedthe room over pretty sharp an' I can't find nothin' wrong with it. Ishall burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow an' then wash out thebureau drawers an' I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be pretty wellout of my mouth. 

"I'm sure I don't know what we're comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, forI must say they seem more extra in the world every day. Most everythin'as they do the women is able to do better now, an' women is so willin'to be pleasant about it, too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant--I neversee a more pleasant young man, but he had a way of comin' in with muddyboots an' a smile on his face as makes me nothin' but glad as he's leftmy house an' gone to Polly White's. "

"Won't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"No, I won't, --not if I know myself. I ain't never been lonesome aforein my life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein' lonesome is very finefor them as keeps a girl to do their work, but I have to slave all daylong if there's anybody but me around the house, an' I don't like toslave. I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome though, for he asked meif I'd mind his comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal column with mesometimes. I could see as he was more'n a little worried over how underthe sun he was goin' to run the paper without me. As a matter of fact, Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of that paper right from thefirst. Not to speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied most o' thebrains as run it. You know as I never am much of a talker, but I didtry to keep Elijah posted as to how things was goin' on an' the feelin'as no matter what I said, it was him an' not me as would be blamed ifthere was trouble, always kept up my courage. There's a many nights asI've kept him at his work an' a many others as I've held him down to it. Elijah has n't been a easy young man to manage, I can tell you. "

Susan stopped and sighed. 

"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me now, " she said, "I made himawful comfortable. Polly'll never do all the little things as I did. It's a great satisfaction when a man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, toknow as he'll be bound to wish himself back there many an' many time. "

"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Oh, I'll find plenty to do, " said Susan Clegg, "it ain't made a mite ofdifference in my life. I shall go on livin' just the same as ever. Nothin's changed for me just because for three months I had a man inthe house. I ain't even altered my general views o' men any, for landknows Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of them that he couldteach me much as is new. I ain't never intended to get married anyway, so he ain't destroyed my ideals none, an' I told Mr. Kimball when I tookhim as I'd agree to keep him three months an' I would n't agree for loveor money to keep him any longer, an' I've kept him for three months an'no love or money could of made me keep him a day longer. "

"Did n't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Why, yes, I liked him, " said Susan, "there were spots durin' the timewhen I felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that did n't make me wantto have him around any more than I had to. But you know as well as I dothat a woman can like a man very much an' still be happiest when sheain't got him on her hands to fuss with. I was n't built to fuss, Mrs. Lathrop, as you know to your cost, for if I had been I'd of been overhere two days a week tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the lasttwenty years. But no, I ain't like that--never was an' never willbe--an' I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an' yon an' dancin'wildly first on one leg an' then the other from dawn to dusk for otherpeople. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an' his mattress is hung back tothe rafter in the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought to burnto-morrow an' when that's over an' the smell's over too I shall look tosettle down an' not have nothin' more to upset my days an' nights tillyour time comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness as it won't comein the night, for boardin' a editor has put me all at outs with nightwork. "

"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. 

"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it, " said Miss Clegg; "for I will saythis for you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your faults you'venever yet told me nothin' as I've found out from others afterwards wasn't true. "

_A Masterpiece of Native Humor_

SUSAN CLEGG AND HER

FRIEND MRS. LATHROP

By ANNE WARNER

Author of "A Woman's Will, " etc. 

With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1. 00. 

It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes before the reader. Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists, who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years. --_BrooklynEagle_. 

Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of fiction has beenwritten. --_San Francisco Bulletin_. 

Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book that is extremelyfunny. Hearty laughter is in store for every reader. --_PhiladelphiaPublic Ledger_. 

Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters infiction. --_Brooklyn Times_. 

Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and even moreplausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human weaknesses are endearing, andwe find ourselves in sympathy with her. --_New York Evening Post_. 

No more original or quaint person than she has ever lived infiction. --_Newark Advertiser_. 

LITTLE, BROWN, & CO. , Publishers, BOSTON

_At all Booksellers'_

_Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book_

SUSAN CLEGG AND

HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS

_By_ ANNE WARNER

With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1. 00

All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic sarcasm, andconcealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial chains. --_PhiladelphiaLedger_. 

Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories would be hard tofind. --Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of _Putnam's Magazine_. 

The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss Clegg has become aninstitution in the humor of America. --_Baltimore Sun_. 

Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and extremely clever intheir portrayal of quaint and amusing character, deserve a place amongthe choice specimens of American humorous literature--which means thebest humorous literature in the world. --_New York Times_. 

Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who found in "SusanClegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one of the most genuinely humorousbooks ever written by a woman on this side of the Atlantic. --_St. LouisGlobe-Democrat_. 

LITTLE, BROWN, & CO. , Publishers

254 Washington Street. Boston

_A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"_

THE REJUVENATION

OF AUNT MARY

By ANNE WARNER

Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop, " "A Woman's Will, "etc. 

With four full page illustrations. 

12mo. Decorated cloth, $1. 50. 

This very clever and original story by the creator of "Susan Clegg" willadd materially to her reputation as a writer of popular fiction. "AuntMary" and her adventures in New York are simply delicious; and hernephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally conduct herthrough the metropolis, are brimful of brightness and humor. A prettylove story runs through the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine début delightedthousands of readers, and the publication of the story in a morepermanent form, with new chapters, and scenes, will increase herpopularity. 

Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists, who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years. --_BrooklynEagle_. 

Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the quality ofsympathy with her characters. --_Public Opinion_. 

LITTLE, BROWN, & CO. , Publishers, BOSTON

_At all Booksellers'_

_An International Love Comedy_

A WOMAN'S WILL

By ANNE WARNER

Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop. "

It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free fromstressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the humor of much of theconversation is thoroughly delightful. The book is as refreshing a bitof fiction as one often finds; there is not a dull page init. --_Providence Journal_. 

It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the wooing of ayoung American widow on the European Continent by a German musicalgenius. --_San Francisco Chronicle_. 

A deliciously funny book. --_Chicago Tribune_. 

There is a laugh on nearly every page. --_New York Times_. 

Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing if notoriginal, and the characters are very unique. There is somethingstriking on every page of the book. --_Newark Advertiser_. 

A more vivacious light novel could not be found. --_ChicagoRecord-Herald_. 

Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo. 

Decorated cloth, $1. 50. 

LITTLE, BROWN, & CO. , Publishers, BOSTON

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