PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 152. January 17, 1917. CHARIVARIA. "Time to deal finally with Tino, " announced an evening paper lastweek, thereby doing a great deal to allay a disquieting impressionthat the matter was to be left to eternity. *** "KING CONSTANTINE, " says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "has as much rightto be heard as a common criminal. " We agree, though few of his friendshave put it quite so bluntly. *** The _Lokalanzeiger_ devotes three columns of a recent issue to theadvantages of the British blockade as a compulsory refiner of theGerman figure. A still more desirable feature of it, which the_Lokalanzeiger_ omits to draw attention to, is its efficacy inreducing the German swelled head. *** We know of no finer example of the humility of true greatness than theKAISER'S decision to allow the War to continue. *** A Berlin newspaper says that after the coronation of the EMPEROR KARLat Budapest one of the jewels was missed from the Crown. Fortunatelyfor the relations between the two Empires, the German CROWN PRINCE isin a position to prove an _alibi_. *** To facilitate the delivery of milk, a certain Dairymen's Associationhas suggested to the Food Controller that they should have recourse toa pool. In most districts, however, recourse will be had as usual to *** Lord RHONNDA'S appeal to the public to keep tame rabbits has beenenthusiastically taken up by all the smart people, and enterprising_maisons_ are already offering driving coats, sleeping baskets andsilk pyjamas for the little pets at prices ranging from two guineasupwards. *** The tallest giraffe in the world has just died at the Zoo. The animalcame from Kordofan, where, Mr. POCOCK tells us, all the really tallones have been told. *** It is reported that General VON BISSING is retiring from Belgium ashis health shows no signs of improvement. The blood baths he has beentaking have not afforded the expected relief. *** It was stated at a London Tribunal that the War Office has just givena contract for 2, 400 waste-paper baskets. If further evidence wasrequired of our unshakable determination to carry the War to asuccessful conclusion, it is surely provided by this indication of theextent to which the public are helping the War Office with suggestionsas to how to win it. *** Attention has been called to the waste of time and money involved inthe calling of grand juries where there are only one or two triflingcases to be tried, and it is suggested that they might be able tocombine their juridical functions with some useful employment. Acorrespondent who signs himself "Lifer" points out to us that thegrand jurymen he has met are just the men the nation needs for theTribunals if the combing-out process is to be effectual. *** A man who was to have appeared before the Law Society Tribunal excusedhimself on the ground that he was suffering from melancholia, andregret was expressed by the military representative that he shouldhave been misinformed as to the nature of the entertainment. *** The admission of a Stuttgart professor that trousers are a Germaninvention has given the liveliest satisfaction to our Highlandregiments, who have long had an intuitive feeling that the Hunwas guilty of even blacker crimes than those of which we had beenofficially informed. *** A "Longer Course for Cadets" is announced by a morning paper. TheFood Controller is to be asked to make public his reasons for thisobviously unfair discrimination between soldiers. *** Men's wear, it is reported, will be twenty-five per cent. Dearer thisyear than last, but a good example in economy is rumoured to have beenset by a well-known actor manager, who now only wears a crease in oneleg of his trousers. *** A burglar who broke into a Manchester wine stores made off with alarge sum of money, but none of the wine was taken. This once againproves that total abstinence is absolutely essential to businesssuccess. *** Consternation has been caused among the pessimists (who have declaredthat this will be a long War) by the recent statement of M. LouisRABOURDIN, the French scientist, that in five thousand years the worldwill be uninhabited. *** A solicitor has been arrested in Ireland under the Defence of theRealm Act for refusing to give away the confidential correspondenceof his client. The suggestion that a lawyer should be required togive away anything has aroused a storm of indignant protest in bothbranches of the profession. * * * * * [Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been damaged by motor-car_). "I SEZ TOTHE SHOVER, I SEZ, 'YOU MAY 'AVE AN ENGLISH NIME, BUT YOUR CONDUCK'STOOTON. '"] * * * * * "ARGENTINE MEAT SHIPMENTS. The only shipment of mutton to the Continent during the week was 18, 000 quarters of beef to France. "--_Sheffield Daily Telegraph_. Even the oxen in neutral countries are feeling a little sheepish. * * * * * "A large section of the city will find its water supply rather intermittent in consequence of a burst of the Rivington water main at Twig-lane, Huyton, near Prescot. The main has an internal diameter of forty-four miles. "--_Liverpool Paper_. What an awful bore! * * * * * "SEVENTEEN-YEAR LOCUSTS TO APPEAR NEXT SUMMER. State Collee, Pa, Dec. 11. --The 17-yearg lgocgugsgt is due to appear agagingg gnext summer, according to C. H. Hadley, Jr. , an entomo-legeggggbmn TTMMggggob rr . . J Eas logist at the Pennsylvania State College. "--_Erie Daily Times_. The news has had a decidedly discomposing effect already. * * * * * "A gamble with death in the Strand--seeing that the stake is precisely the same--should be quite as enthralling as a hairbreadth 'scape on the plains of Texas, even though the gambler wears a top-hat instead of sheepskin trousers. "--_Manchester Guardian_. The writer understates the case. The substitution of a top-hat fortrousers would add a piquancy of its own to the situation. * * * * * FAITH AND DOUBT IN THE FATHERLAND. News of triumph, very cheering, Fills our marrows full of sap, News of FALKENHAYN careering Right across Roumania's map, Tales of corn to swell our tummies, tales of golden oil to tap. Everywhere we go victorious Over earth and on the blue; More and more superbly glorious Ring the deeds we dare and do, Till they sound almost too splendid to be absolutely true. Here and there, indeed, a sceptic Mutters language rather rude; Here and there a wan dyspeptic, Yielding to a peevish mood, Wonders why a winning nation finds itself so short of food. When carillons rock the steeple And the bunting's ordered out, I have noticed several people Ask themselves in honest doubt Why the War-Lord's lifted finger fails to bring a peace about. Yet, though England, crushed and quailing, Kicks his dove-bird down the stair, I shall trust, with faith unfailing, In my KAISER'S conquering air (Still I blame no man for thinking there must be a catch somewhere). O. S. * * * * * RECOGNITION. "Francesca, " I said, "have you seen it?" "It? What?" "The announcement. " "What announcement?" "I have been gazetted, " I said. "Did it hurt much?" she said. "Or were you able to bear it without amurmur?" "It's in _The Times_, " I said, "and you shall read it, whether youlike it or not. It's in the place where I'm pointing my finger. There--do you see it?" "If you'd only take your finger away I might be able to. Thanks. Myhat! isn't it exciting? 'To be 2nd Lieutenant (tempy. ) 1st Battalion, Blankshire Regiment of Volunteers--' So it's come at last, has it?" "Yes, " I said, "it's come at last. They've recognised us. " "Well, " she said, "it was about time, wasn't it? Here you've all beenform-fouring and two deeping and route-marching for two years or so, and looking highly military in your grey-green uniforms, while theauthorities stood by and persuaded themselves you didn't exist; and atlast somebody comes along--" "It was Lord FRENCH who came along--" "Yes, " she said, "Lord FRENCH comes along on a fine cold Sundaymorning and says to himself, 'Here are several hundred thousand menwho are panting to make themselves useful. Let's recognise them, " andfrom that moment you actually begin to exist. And then they bring downyour grey hairs with sorrow into the Gazette, and, instead of being aPlatoon Commander, you become a 2nd Lieutenant. " "'Tempy, '" I said; "don't forget the 'tempy. '" "I won't, " she said. "What does it mean? It sounds very irritable. " "It does, " I said; "but as a matter of fact it's got nothing to dowith my temper. It means temporary. " "Anyhow it's a difficult word to pronounce in four syllables. I shalldo it in two. " "No, Francesca, you shall not. As the holder of His Majesty'sCommission I cannot allow you to go about the country saying tempywhen you mean tem-po-ra-ry. " "But why do they put in the word at all?" "It's the War Office way of announcing that we're not to expect ournew-born joys to last for ever. " "To the end of the War is long enough for most people at the presentrate. " "Do not let us peer too anxiously into the dim and distant future. Let us be satisfied with such a present as fate has assigned to us inmaking me a 2nd Lieutenant temporary, with all the privileges that thewords imply. " "Right, " she said. "I'm going to wire to your brother Fred to come andstay here. " "Do you want him to come and rejoice with us over my new rank?" "No, " she said, "not exactly. I want to see how an elder brother, whois a 2nd Lieutenant temporary of Volunteers gets on with a youngerbrother who is a Colonel permanent in the real Army. " "I do not, " I said, "like the word 'real' There's a disagreeableinvidiousness about it, and your mouth, you being what you are, shouldbe the last to use it. " 'You'll have to salute him, you know. " "Yes, " I said, "I certainly shall when I'm in uniform. " "And you'll have to call him 'Sir. '" "Nonsense. " "You will, " she said, "or you'll be court-martialled. And when hecomes into a room in which you're sitting, you'll have to jump up andassume a rigid attitude until he's kind enough to wave his hand. Oh, it will be a real pleasure to have Fred here now that you've beenthoroughly recognised. If you don't behave to him in a proper militarymanner you'll be reported to Lord FRENCH, and then you'll be moretempy than ever. Now that you're recognised you must do the thingthoroughly. " "You'll be sorry for this when I'm guarding a railway line night andday. " "No, " she said, "I shan't. I shall keep you going with sandwiches andthermos-flasks. " R. C. L. * * * * * THE CRAZE FOR SUBSTITUTION. Extract from note written by the Commandant of a V. A. D. Hospital tothe Sister-in-charge:-- "I have just heard that the Medical Officer will not be able to come this morning. I have ordered the sweep. " * * * * * "THE COFFEE SPECIALIST ROASTED FRESH DAILY. " _North China Daily News_. Yet we dare say the poor fellow meant well. * * * * * "In the preliminary examination of patients the author introduces a test which is new to us; two or three breaths having been drawn through the nose, this organ is then punched by the anęsthetist, whilst the patient holds his breath as long as possible. "--_The Practitioner_. What the victim of this novel treatment says after recovering hisbreath is happily withheld from us. * * * * * From the Daily Orders of an Australian Battalion:-- "MOVES OF OFFICERS. The following Officers have reported their arrival and departed respectfully. " Discipline in the Imperial contingents is evidently improving. * * * * * [Illustration: THE BANKRUPT BRAVOS. SCENE: _Vienna, between the Sittings of the Conference. _ SULTAN. "IT'S TIME WE GOT SOME MORE MONEY OUT OF WILLIAM. HE SEEMS TOTHINK HE'S DOING ALL THE FRIGHTFULNESS. HE FORGETS THAT I'M KNOWN ASTHE 'TERRIBLE TURK. '" FERDINAND. "YES: AND THEY CALL ME 'FERDIE THE FEARFUL. '" [The latter title has recently been conferred upon the TSAR ofBulgaria by his subjects in recognition of his continued absence fromSofia since the bombing of his palace. ]] * * * * * [Illustration: _G. O. C. _ "WELL, MY MAN, WHAT ARE YOU IN CIVILIAN LIFE?" _Dejected Private_. "PROFESSOR OF GREEK HISTORY AT ONE OF THEUNIVERSITIES, SIR. "] * * * * * THE MINIATURE. When I left her, Celia had two photographs, a British warm and anaccidental coffee-stain, by which to remember me. The coffee-stain wasthe purest accident. By her manner of receiving it, Celia gave me theimpression that she thought I had done it on purpose, but it was notso. The coffee-cup slipped-in-me-'and-mum, after which the law ofgravity stepped in, thus robbing what would have been a polite deed ofmost of its gallantry. However, I explained all that at the time. Thefact remains that, in whatever way you look at it, I had left my mark. Celia was not likely to forget me. But she was determined to make sure. No doubt mine is an elusivepersonality; take the mind off it for one moment and it is gone. So Iwas to be perpetuated in a miniature. "Can it be done without a sitting?" I asked doubtfully. I was goingaway on the morrow. "Oh, yes. It can be done from the photographs easily. Of course Ishall have to explain your complexion and so on. " "May I read the letter when you've explained it?" "Certainly not, " said Celia firmly. "I only want to make sure that it's an explanation and not anapology. " "I shall probably put it down to a bicycle accident. Which isthat?--No, no, " she added hastily, "_Kamerad!_" I put down the revolver and went on with my packing. And a day or twolater Celia began to write about the miniature. * * * * * The stars represent shells or months, or anything like that; _not_promotion. I came back with just the two--one on each sleeve. We talked of many things, but not of the miniature. Somehow I hadforgotten all about it. And then one day I remembered suddenly. "The miniature, " I said; "did you get it done?" "Yes, " said Celia quietly. "Have you got it here?" "Yes. " "Oh, I say, do let me see it. " Celia hesitated. "I think we had better wait till you are a little stronger, " she saidvery gently. "Is it so very beautiful?" "Well--" "So beautiful that it almost hurts? Celia, dear, let me risk it, " Ipleaded. She fetched it and gave it to me. I gazed at it a long time. "Who is it?" I asked at last. "I don't know, dear. " "Is it like anybody we know?" "I think it's meant to be like _you_, darling, " said Celia tenderly, trying to break it to me. I gazed at it again. "Would you get me a glass?" I asked her. "A looking-glass, or with brandy and things in it?" "Both ... Thank you. Promise me I don't look like this. " "You don't, " she said soothingly. "Then why didn't you tell the artist so and ask him to rub it out anddo it again?" Celia sighed. "He has. The last was his third rubbige. " Then another thing struck me. "I thought you weren't going to have it in uniform?" "I didn't at first. But we've been trying it in different costumessince to--to ease the face a little. It looked awful in mufti. Likea--a--" "Go on, " I said, nerving myself to it. "Like an uneasy choir-boy. I think I shall send it back again and askhim to put it in a surplice. " "Yes, but why should my wife dangle a beneficed member of theEstablished Church of England round her neck? What proud prelate--" "Choir-boy, darling. You're thinking of bishops. " As it happened my thoughts were not at all episcopal. On the contrary, I looked at the miniature again, and I looked at myself in the glass, and I said firmly that the thing must go back a fourth time. "You can't wear it. People would come and ask you who it was and youcouldn't tell them. You'd have to keep it locked up, and what's thegood of that?" "I _can't_ write again, " said Celia. "Poor man! Think of the troublehe's had. Besides I've got you back now. It was really just to remindme of you. " "Yes, but I shall frequently be out to tea. You'd better have it doneproperly now. " Celia was thoughtful. She began composing in her mind that fourthletter ... And frowning. "I know, " she cried suddenly. "_You_ write this time!" It was my turn to be thoughtful.... "I don't see it. How do I come in? What is my _locus standi? Locusstandi_, " I explained in answer to her raised eyebrows, "an oath incommon use among our Italian allies, meaning--What do I write as?" "As the owner of the face, " said Celia in surprise. "Yes, but I can't dilate on my own face. " "Why not?" said Celia, bubbling. "You know you'd love it. " I looked at the miniature and began to think of possible openings. Oneimpossible one struck me at once. "Anyway, " I said, "I'll get him to close my mouth. " * * * * * The stars represent something quite simple this time--my brain atwork. "Celia, " I said, "I _will_ write. And this time the miniature shall becriticised properly. To say, as you no doubt said, 'This is not likeme, ' I mean not like my husband--well, you know what I mean--just tocondemn it is not enough. _I_ shall do it differently. I shall takeeach feature separately and dwell upon it. But to do this modestlyI must have a _locus_--I am sorry to have to borrow from our Italianallies again--a _locus standi_ apart from that of owner of face. Imust also be donor of miniature. Then I can comment impartially on thepresent which I am preparing for you. " "I thought you'd see that soon, " smiled Celia. A. A. M. * * * * * [Illustration r30/075th: _Recruiting Sergeant_. "WHAT ARE YOU FOR?" _Recruit_. "FOR THE DURATION OF THE WAR, OR LONGER IF IT DOESN'T ENDSOONER. "] * * * * * FASHIONS IN BOOK-WEAR. ["_Rose of Glenconnel_. A first book by Mrs. Patrick MacGill, telling of the adventures in the Yukon and elsewhere of Rosalie Moran. With coloured jacket. Price 5s. Net. " _Advt. In "Times Literary Supplement_. "] Extract from "Belle's Letters":--"Other smart books I noticed includedMrs. BARCLAY'S _Sweet Seventy-one_, looking radiantly young and lovelyin a simple rose-pink frock embellished with rosebuds, and Mr. CHARLESGARVICE'S _Marriage Bells_, utterly charming in ivory satin trimmedwith orange blossom. On another shelf I saw Mr. KIPLING'S _The HorseMarines_, looking well in a smartly-cut navy blue costume with whitefacings, and not far away was Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S _Straphanger_, insmoked terra-cotta, and the pocket edition of DICKENS in Mrs. HarrisTweed. Mr. Britling's new book, _Mr. Wells Sees it Through the Press_, was looking rather dowdy in a ready-made Norfolk jacket, but Mr. And Mrs. WILLIAMSON'S _The Petrol Peeress_ was very chic in adelightfully-cut oil-silk wrap; and so was Sir GILBERT PARKER'S _ThisBook for Sale_, in a purple bolero. Academic sobriety characterisedthe gown worn by the POET LAUREATE'S _The Sighs of Bridges_, while Mr. A. C. BENSON'S _Round My College Dado_ was conspicuous in a Magdaleneblouse with pale-blue sash. " * * * * * "This was followed by a banquet in which Bro. W. S. Williams took a prominent part. "--_Daily Chronicle_ (_Kingston, Jamaica_). * * * * * LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA. II. MY DEAR JERRY, --No doubt you think from the light-hearted tone of mylast letter that life here is a bed of roses. In reality we have ourflies in the ointment--nay, our shirt-buttons in the soup. Thechief of the flies is artillery, both our own and that of the peopleopposite; and the worst of the shirt-buttons is jam. It soundsstrange, but it is true. There was a time in the olden days when we welcomed gunner-officers, but those days are unhappily past since we met Major Jones. Learn thenthe perfidy of the Major and _ex uno disce, omnes_. I had a nice little 'ouse up in the front line, well hidden by trees. It wasn't a _h_ouse, Jerry, I wish you to understand; it was merely alittle 'ouse standing in its own grounds like, with a brace or so ofchickens and a few mangel-wurzels a-climbin' round the place. You knowwhat it's like. Well, Major Jones, who had been my guest several times in this little'ouse of mine, came round a few days ago with a worried look and anorderly. "I want you to come and look at my telephone, " he said hurriedly. "What is it? Is anything wrong?" I asked sympathetically. "I fear the worst. Something terrible may happen in five minutes, " hereplied darkly. I gripped his hand silently, and he returned the pressure withemotion. In silence we walked the two hundred yards which lay betweenmy place and his observation post, and I watched while his orderly gotbusy with the telephone. "Is Number One gun ready?" demanded the Major. It appeared that Number One was itching to be at it. "Fire!" said the Major. "Fire!" said the orderly. A moment later there was a terrific explosion. "Number One fired, Sir, " observed the orderly. "It is well you told us, " I said sweetly, "otherwise I could neverhave believed it. " But the Major heeded me not. He was staring over my shoulder. "Good shot, by Jove!" he yelled. "A perfect beauty! Holed out in one!" I turned to see what had caused his sudden joy. But where was mylittle 'ouse? Had _it_ suddenly turned into that nasty cloud of dust?Even as I looked my water-bucket reached the ground again. "Awfully sorry, old man, " said the Major, with a ghastly, pretence ofsympathy. "You see it was in our way. " I brushed aside his proffered hand (rather good that, Jerry. Let'shave it again. I say I brushed aside his proffered hand), and strodeback dismally to what had once been my home from home. Now I live in a little dug-out beneath the ground, chickenless andmangel-wurzelless, awaiting with resignation the day when the Sappersshall find that I am in _their_ way and blow me up. Another little game of the gunners is called "Artillery Duels. " In the good old days, when a man wanted a scrap with his neighbour, heput a double charge of powder into his blunderbuss, crammed in ontop of it two horse-shoes, his latch-key, an old watch-chain, and amagnet, and then started on the trail. It was very effective, but ofcourse some busy-body "improved" on it. Nowadays our gunners ring upthe enemy's artillery. "Hallo! Is that you, strafe you? What about an artillery duel, eh?" "Oh, what fun!" says the enemy. "Do let's. " And then they start. "A hearty give-and-take, that's what I like, " remarks a cheery gunnerofficer. A moment later he rushes to the telephone. "Is that you, enemy?" he asks. "I say, dash it all, old man, do becareful! That last one of yours was jolly near my favourite gun. " "By Jove, I'm awfully sorry, old thing, " calls back the enemy. "Whatabout shortening the fuses a bit, eh?" "Good idea! Waken up the foot-sloggers too. They need it sometimes. " Then for fifteen minutes large shells rebound from the bowed head andshoulders of the unfortunate infantryman. Which reminds me of George. George had a strafe-proof waistcoat procured by him from a Frenchmanufacturer. He showed it to us proudly, and also the advertisement, which stated that the waistcoat would easily stop a rifle-bullet, whilst a "45" would simply bounce off it. It was beautiful butalarming to see his confidence as he stood up in a shower of shells, praying for a chance of showing off the virtues of his acquisition. * * * * * We were very pleased to send to his hospital address to-day a postcardbearing the maker's explanation that a . 45 revolver bullet, and _not_a 45 millimetre shell, was meant. As regards the jam question, Jerry, the fault of the jam is that itis never jam, but always marmalade. I feel too sore on the question towrite much, but I may just hint that we have heard that Brother Bulgarsometimes gets real strawberry. It is just possible, therefore, thatyou may hear of a raid soon. Yours ever, PETER. * * * * * THE CONVERT. ["One striking result of the War has been its humanising effect on woman. "--_Daily Paper_. ] The barbed shaft of Love hath pierced thy heart, Fair Annabelle; distracting is thy lot; Long hast thou thought thyself a deal too smart To be ensnared in Cupid's toils--eh, what? The ways of other maids, less intricate, Filled thee with pity to the very core; Kisses were unhygienic, out of date, And man a most unutterable bore. But now with young Lieutenant Smith, V. C. , Thou roamest, gazing shyly in his face; Nay, did I not surprise thee after tea Defying Hygiene in a close embrace? Shall I recall that old sartorial jest, The mannish coat which never seemed to fit, The bifurcated skirt and all the rest, Not half so pretty as thy nursing kit? All no! Thine happiness I will not vex, For thou art Woman once again I find; And Woman, though she cannot change her sex, Has always had the right to change her mind. * * * * * THE PRIMROSE PATH FOR FLAPPERS. "WANTED, Two experi. MAKERS-UP (Females); also a few Girls to learn; good wages paid. "--_Evening Paper_. * * * * * ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. From an obituary notice:-- "In civil life he was employed as an attendant on those inflicted with weak minds. He joined the regiment at ---- Camp and was at once employed as Colonel ----'s servant. "--_Burma Paper_. * * * * * "Mars is the name of a star so far off it would take a million years to walk there in an express train. " "A miracle is anything that someone does that can't be done. " "People who have always used tooth-brushes and who know the thing to do never use any but their own. " "The Pagans were a contented race until the Christians came among them. "--_Hawaii Educational Review_. If _The Review_ can maintain this form the consciously comic journalsof the American Empire will have to look to their laurels. * * * * * [Illustration: THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY. ] * * * * * [Illustration: _Super-Boy_. "BUT, FATHER, IF WE HAVE ALREADYCONQUERED, WHY DOES THE WAR GO ON?" _Super-Man_. "BE SILENT AND EAT YOUR HINDENBERG ROCK. "] * * * * * WAR'S SURPRISES. THE TRANSFORMATION OF "TAY PAY. " [_The Daily Chronicle_ alludes to a recent article by Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, M. P. , as "a frigid survey of the situation. "] The War has done many astonishing things; It has doubled the traffic in trinkets and rings; It has reconciled us to margarine And made many fat men healthily lean. It has answered the critics of Public Schools And proved the redemption of family fools. It has turned golf links to potato patches And made us less lavish in using matches. It has latterly paralysed the jaw Of the hitherto insuppressible SHAW. It has made old Tories acclaim LLOYD GEORGE, Whose very name once stuck in their gorge. It has turned a number of novelists Into amateur armchair strategists. It has raised the lowly and humbled the wise And forced us in dozens of ways to revise The hasty opinions we formed of our neighbours In view of their lives and deaths and labours. It has cured many freaks of their futile hobbies, It has made us acquainted with female bobbies. It has very largely emptied the ranks Of the valetudinarian cranks, By turning their minds to larger questions Than their own insides or their poor digestions. It has changed a First Lord into a Colonel, Then into a scribe on a Sunday-journal, With the possible hope, when scribbling palls, Of doing his hit at the Music Halls. It has proved the means of BIRRELL'S confounding And given Lord WIMBORNE a chance of re-bounding. But--quite the most wonderful thing of all The things that astonish, amaze or appal-- As though a jelly turned suddenly rigid, It has made "TAY PAY" grow suddenly frigid! When rivers flow backwards to their founts And tailors refuse to send in accounts; When some benevolent millionaire Makes me his sole and untrammelled heir; When President WILSON finds no more Obscurity in "the roots of the War"; When Mr. PONSONBY stops belittling His country and WELLS abandons _Britling_: When the Ethiopian changes his hue To a vivid pink or a Reckitty blue-- In fine, when the Earth has lost its solidity, Then I shall believe in "TAY PAY'S" frigidity. * * * * * DURATION OF THE WAR. "If the bid does not come early in 19717 the evidences of Germany's clamorous needs are strangely false. "--_Evening Paper_. Are we downhearted? No! * * * * * Extract from Army Orders in the Field:-- "When Sections 3 and 4 have opened rapid fire, and the bullets have had time to reach the enemy, but not before, Sections 1 and 2 move up into line with No. 3 and 4. " Aren't the Staff wonderful? They think of everything. * * * * * [Illustration: SNOWING HIM UNDER. A FORECAST OF THE NEW BRITISH WAR LOAN. ] * * * * * [Illustration: _Possible Purchaser_. "WHAT SORT OF DOG IS HE?" _Dog-Fancier_. "'IM, LIDY? 'E'S A LITTLE PEDIGREE DAWG, 'E IS. AN'THIS IS 'IS MOTHER ON THE LEAD--QUITE ANOTHER TYPE O' DAWG, BUT ALSO APEDIGREE. "] * * * * * PETHERTON AND THE PLURALIST. "Hello!" I said, "a note from Petherton. What can my charmingneighbour want now?" The letter ran as follows:-- SIR, --I find that George, the young man I employ as house-boy, hasbecome friendly with one of your maids, and I shall he glad if youwill co-operate with me so far as is possible in trying to preventtheir meeting, as I do not think it desirable that there should befurther communication between our households than is, unfortunately, necessary. I should not have troubled to write to you had it not been that Georgestrongly resented my interference with his private affairs whenI remonstrated with him just now on the matter. Servants are sodeplorably independent in these times, and men as useful as George areso difficult to obtain, that I do not care to open the subject withhim again. The maid of yours in question is the one who goes out on Wednesdayevenings. As that is also George's evening out, perhaps you couldarrange to let this particular maid go out on another evening instead. Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON. "What confounded sauce!" I said, and replied formally as follows:-- DEAR MR. PETHERTON, --It must, I am sure, be most alarming to you tofind that servants of ours are hobnobbing and perhaps discussing ouraffairs. Unfortunately to make the alteration you suggest would throwthe whole of our domestic staff out. I know the maid to whom yourefer; she is our parlour-maid, and you are right in describing heras "this particular maid. " She is most particular. It is true that menare hard to obtain for domestic employment, even ineligibles (and Iam sure yours is that), but maids are, if anything, more difficult tofind. My wife had no end of trouble in procuring this parlour-maid, and she is a treasure whom we do not wish to lose. I have been aware for some time that she is engaged in the pleasurableoccupation of what is known as keeping company with your factotum, butthought it wise not to interfere. It is still in the air, as one might say, that you are engaged inexperimental chemical work for the Government, and I should havethought, and hoped, that this would occupy your mind to the exclusionof such trivial affairs as servants' love-making. Yours sincerely, HENRY J. FORDYCE. Petherton quickly countered with:-- SIR--I am sorry that I should have appealed to you in vain. It is nota pleasure to write to you, and it is positively distasteful to haveto read your absurd letters in reply. I passed George in the villagethis evening with his arm round your parlour-maid's waist. I wasabsolutely disgusted, and must emphatically protest against suchfamiliarity even among the minor members of our households. Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON. Joyously I rushed to respond:-- DEAR PETHERTON, --Your letters, on the contrary, are a positive delightto me. One of the reasons why I should not like to interfere is thefeeling that it might put an end to our correspondence. Personally I cannot visualize the spectacle of similar familiaritybetween any of the major members of our respective households. I myself passed your man this evening as I was on my way to theVicarage, and at the moment he was in mild dalliance with ourhousemaid. I say mild because they were only arm-in-arm. On my returnabout an hour later I passed George again, and it is true that thistime he was with our parlour-maid, and had his arm round her waist asyou describe. There is no doubt that the young man has a penchant for my staff, butso far no Government secrets have reached my ears, and no details ofyour personal doings, past, present or future. "Carry on" is the motto of the day, so why not let well alone? Wereyou never a young man? Ever yours, HARRY FORDYCE. Petherton was getting very worked-up, to judge from his reply:-- SIR, --I disapprove of your levity. This is a serious matter to me. On your own showing George's behaviour is scandalous, and although Ishould scarcely expect you to look at the matter in its proper lightI should have thought that even you would have interfered now thatmatters have reached such a state. Your attitude is intolerable. I am well able to protect the Government's secrets, and my movementscould be of little interest even to you, but I do not think thesociety of your maids desirable for a young man like George. Istrongly suspect that they are having a bad influence over him. He isbecoming careless in his work. I accidentally overheard him say, in conversation with the grocer'sman, that he was--to use his own expression--walking out with a MissParsons. Is this either your parlour-maid or housemaid? or is it somethird person? Yours faithfully, FREDERICK PETHERTON. DEAR OLD CHAP (I replied), --Thank you for your cheering letter. Ihope neither of us will say or do anything that would terminate thisexchange of letters, which is keeping me from dwelling too much on theWar. Miss Parsons is our cook, as worthy a young woman as ever riveted anapple-dumpling or tossed a custard. She would make George an excellentwife. Don't worry about the parlour-maid or housemaid. They would, Iam sure, be delighted to be at the wedding. Yours, HARRY. Petherton's reply was prompt, personal and to the point:-- SIR, --Confound you and your entire staff! You ought all to beinterned. If George ever thinks of leaving me I trust it will not beto marry one of your household. In the name of decency I must insiston your taking strong action to end what is a positive scandal. Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON. It was Monday before I replied, then I wrote:-- DEAR FREDDY, --Let us mingle our tears. The worst is about to happen Ifyou were as good a churchgoer as one could wish, you would have beenin your pew yesterday morning, when the banns were read out (for thefirst time of asking) "between George Goodman, bachelor, and EmilyParsons, spinster, both of this parish, " though this would not haveconveyed to you the appalling fact that your man is marrying my entirestaff all at once. I doubt, however, if you will be able to find causeor just impediment, etc. Yours, H. * * * * * [Illustration: "DIDN'T KNOW WOT 'APPINESS WAS TILL I GOT MARRIED. " "AND NOW YOU'VE 'AD TO LEAVE IT, EH?" "WOTCHER MEAN, _LEAVE_ IT? I'VE COME BACK TO IT. "] * * * * * THE TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT IN INDIA. "In the Punjab and Sind it has been possible to colonise uninhabited wastes, and flourishing communities, aggregating nearly two million inhabitants, are supported entirely by canal water. " _Prof. STANLEY JEVONS, in "To-day. "_ * * * * * "Girl wanted, just leaving school, for Ruling Department. "--_Provincial Paper_. Does this mean that we are to have a flapper in the Cabinet? * * * * * THE FOLLOW-UP METHOD. When you respond to an advertisement offering a booklet or a samplefree, you are pestered by the proprietor of the commodity advertisedwith numerous communications importuning your custom, until in sheerself-defence you make a purchase. Now I had occasion to answer anannouncement advertising for the services of a person with attainmentsapproximating to my own, decided that, in the event of my applicationattracting no response, I would adopt the methods indicated above. Forthe benefit of others I give below a record of my procedure and theresult. My first letter detailed my qualifications, which were veryexceptional; explained that my intelligence and industry were farabove the average; that I was morbidly conscientious, and willing tosacrifice all my own interests for the needs of the firm; thatthe reason for leaving my last position was solely a matter ofcircumstances over which I had no control, and that at an interview, which I craved, I would explain everything to everybody's satisfactionand prove my perfect eligibility for the post. And so forth. I waited a fortnight. There was no reply. I therefore despatched afollow-up letter. I explained my regret at receiving no response toletter No. 1, and suggested that perhaps it had been inadvertentlyoverlooked, or had gone astray in transit. Alternatively I hinted thatperhaps the firm regarded the list of my qualifications as incrediblypretentious, and I assured them that it in no way exaggerated my goodpoints. I had indeed become, if possible, even more conscientious andindustrious since I had last written, and having recovered from a coldin the head from which I was then suffering I was actually in betterphysical condition than before. I reminded the firm that in grantingme a preliminary interview they incurred no liability whatsoever. Another two weeks went by, and still no answer. So I despatchedFollow-up Letter No. 2. This briefly referred to my two previous communications, and askedwhether it was not clear to them that, by securing my services while Iwas in possession of all my faculties and the full vigour and strengthof my being, there were advantages they could not possibly acquirewith me in, say, another thirty years, when I should probably besuffering from rheumatism, chronic dyspepsia, deafness, dim sight, loss of memory and certainly from approaching old age. I concluded byoffering them three days' free trial (I always do best in the firstthree days); if I failed to give satisfaction by the end of thatperiod they could return me without incurring any obligationwhatsoever. Again two weeks passed away, and there was still no answer. So I sentFollow-up Letter No. 3. In this I announced a Special Offer, viz. , a reduction of twentypounds sterling (£20) on the salary originally asked if the firmengaged me within ten days from the date of the offer. I gave them twelve days in which to respond, but still received noanswer, so, after allowing a further two days' grace, I despatchedFollow-up Letter No. 4, stating that as they had evidently beenprevented from replying to my special offer I had decided to extendthe period for acceptance by fourteen (14) days, reckoning from thedate of the present communication. At the end of that period thesalary demanded would be increased by ten pounds (£10) over and abovethat asked in my _first_ application. Thus, by accepting the existingoffer of twenty pounds (£20) reduction, they would really be securingme at thirty pounds (£30) less than my market price. I waited patiently for a further fourteen days, and then sentFollow-up Letter No. 5. This letter was quite brief. It made no attempt to disguise the factthat I was hurt at the firm's silence, and it hinted at enquiries fromother employers of labour whose needs would have to be considered. It intimated also that I could not possibly hold myself at the firm'sdisposal indefinitely, and that unless a prompt reply was receivedI could not guarantee acceptance. By way of a crushing suggestion ofniggardliness on their part I enclosed a stamped addressed envelope. An answer came by return of post as follows:-- DEAR SIR, --In reply to your letter, we beg to say that the vacancy towhich you refer was filled some ten (10) weeks ago. Yours faithfully, etc. Now I know where I am. Without this persistence, which is the essenceof the following-up business, I should simply be where I am withoutknowing it. * * * * * [Illustration: _Lady Cynthia_ (_showing wounded Tommies the ancestralportraits_). "AND THIS IS THE FIRST EARL IN FULL FIGHTING KIT. " _Tommy_. "HE'S GOT HIS IDENTIFICATION DISC ALL RIGHT, MA'AM. "] * * * * * BACCHUS AT THE FRONT. Extract from a speech by the KAISER as reported by _The Sun_(Vancouver, B. C. ):-- "The campaign ... Had been conducted according to the brilliant plans of Field-Marshal von Hindenburg.... The old god of bottles directed. We were his instruments and we are proud of it. " * * * * * "Among some of the best-informed bankers in the City the view taken in this respect is one which it may be well for the public at large to have repeated for their own guidance. The new War Loan, they say, will either be the last before the Allies impose on the enemy their own terms of peace, or it will not. "--_The Times_. We had already formed the same opinion, but we are glad to have itconfirmed on such high authority. * * * * * "Barrow magistrates decided that _Ideas_ must not be sold after the closing hour. "--_Daily Sketch_. Unfortunately this will not prevent the bore from continuing to giveyou his gratis. * * * * * Demand-- "Elderly English Girl wanted as companion to young lady for afternoon. "--_Egyptian Gazette_. and supply-- "The age limit for Girl Guides was formerly 18 years, but it has now been raised to 81 years by general request. "--_British Paper_. * * * * * [Illustration: _Tommy_. "SOMETHIN' TO DHRINK, IF YE PLAZE, MISS. "_Helper_. "CERTAINLY. WILL YOU HAVE TEA OR COFFEE?" _Tommy_. "NEITHER, THANK-YE. " _Helper_. "COCOA, THEN, OR BOVRIL?" _Tommy_. "NO, NO. NONE OF THEM FOR ME, MISS. " _Helper_ (_with asperity_). "WELL, WE'VE NOTHING ELSE EXCEPT WATER. " _Tommy_ (_earnestly_). "AN' I DAREN'T TOUCH THAT. D'YE SEE, MISS, WHENME FATHER LAY DYIN'--GOD REST HIS SOWL!--HE SEZ TO ME, 'I'VE GIVEN YEAN IRON CONSTITUTION, ANNYWAY, AN' LET YE SEE TO IT THAT YE NIVER TAKEANNYTHING THAT 'UD RUST IT ON YE. '"] * * * * * THE QUEST OF KNOWLEDGE. MR. BLAIR, the L. C. C. Education Officer, is dissatisfied, according to_The Daily Chronicle_, with the questions put at school examinations, on the ground that they do not test the thoughtfulness and ingenuityof the pupil. The "Why" as well as the "What" should be developed, and to illustrate the value of the method proposed Mr. BLAIR suggestsvarious sample questions, e. G. :-- "How do you account for the density of the population inStaffordshire? "Find out from your atlas the distance from London to Glasgow. How long would it take you to go there by train? What would thethird-class fare be at a penny a mile? "How can we discover the minimum conditions necessary for thegermination of a bean? "ARISTOTLE remarked that a bee will visit one type of flower onlyduring one journey from the hive. Find out if this is true, and, if true, point out its significance from the point of view of theflower. " As Mr. BLAIR remarks, a quest is better than a question. We agree, andventure to start a few more quests:-- "Find out from _Who's Who_ the literary productions of Miss MARIECORELLI and Mr. HALL CAINE, and trace their effect on the density ofthe population of Warwickshire and the Isle of Man respectively. "ARISTOTLE remarked that one swallow does not make a summer. Find outwhether this is true, and, if true, explain its bearing on the thirstof the swallower. "Find out on your map the distance from Madrid to Jaffa, and statewhat would be the cost of a cargo of Spanish onions and Jerusalemartichokes delivered in the London Docks. "What is the minimum time necessary for the incubation of a ScarletPimpernel? What are the statutory dimensions of a gigantic gooseberry? Have youever seen one, and if not why not?" * * * * * OUR YOUTHFUL HEROES. "C. Q. M. S. E. A. ----, brother of Mr. W. M. ----, Falmouth, spent his third birthday in the trenches on the 8th inst. "--_Royal Cornwall Gazette_. * * * * * "One or two of the Councillors are on war service, and their places will be kept warm for them.... Councillors ---- and J. R. ---- have not once been able to sit since they donned khaki. "--_Southern Times_. We infer that the Councillors in question are training for thecavalry. * * * * * "The British fleet bombarded Skarvika and Semuntoltos, south of Orfano. Marshall's 7, Martyn's 2. Wakefield (3), Stone (2), Cripps, and Turbyfield scored for the winners. "--_Gloucestershire Echo_. We like this idea of recording the names of the successful marksmen atonce, without waiting for the formal despatches. * * * * * A DREAM SHIP. Oh I wish I had a clipper ship with carvings on her counter, With lanterns on her poop-rail of beaten copper wrought; I would dress her like a lady in the whitest cloth and mount her With a long bow-chasing swivel and a gun at every port. I would sign me on a master who had solved MERCATOR'S riddle, A nigger cook with earrings who neither chewed nor drank, Who wore a red bandanna and was handy on the fiddle, I would take a piping bos'un and a cabin-boy to spank. Then some fine Summer morning when the Falmouth cocks were crowing I would set my capstan spinning to the chanting of all hands, And the milkmaids on the uplands would lament to see me going As I beat for open Channel and away to foreign lands, _Singing_-- Fare ye well, O lady mine, Fare ye well, my pretty one, For the anchor's at the cat-head and the voyage is begun, The wind is in the mainsail, we're slipping from the land Hull-down with all sail making, close-hauled with the white-tops breaking, Bound for the Rio Grande. Fare ye well! With the flying-fish around us and a porpoise school before us, Full crowded under royals to the south'ard we would sweep; We would hear the bull whales blowing and the mermaids sing in chorus, And perhaps the white seal mummies hum their chubby calves to sleep. We would see the hot towns paddling in the surf of Spanish waters, And prowl beneath dim balconies and twang discreet guitars, And sigh our adoration to Don Juan's lovely daughters Till they lifted their mantillas and their dark eyes shone like stars. We would cruise by fairy islands where the gaudy parrot screeches And the turtle in his soup-tureen floats basking in the calms; We would see the fire-flies winking in the bush above the beaches And a moon of honey yellow drifting up behind the palms. We would crown ourselves with garlands and tread a frolic measure With the nut-brown island beauties in the firelight by the huts; We would give them rum and kisses; we would hunt for pirate treasure, And bombard the apes with pebbles in exchange for coco-nuts. When we wearied of our wand'rings 'neath the blazing Southern heaven And dreamed of Kentish orchards fragrant-scented after rain, Of the cream there is in Cornwall and the cider brewed in Devon, We would crowd our yards with canvas and sweep foaming home again, _Singing_-- Cheerily, O lady mine, Cheerily, my sweetheart true, For the blest Blue Peter's flying and I'm rolling home to you; For I'm tired of Spanish ladies and of tropic afterglows, Heart-sick for an English Spring-time, all afire for an English ring-time, In love with an English rose. Rolling home! * * * * * MISGIVINGS. Walking recently by Hyde Park Corner I met a man in a comic hat. He was an elderly man, very well set up, marching along like an oldofficer--quite an impressive figure with his grey moustache andgrey hair, had not this ridiculous affair surmounted him. It was notexactly a hat, and not exactly a cap, but something between the two, and it was so minute as to be almost invisible and wholly absurd. Yetthere was every indication that its wearer believed that it suitedhim, for he moved both with confidence and self-satisfaction. And as I watched him, and after he had passed, swinging his stick andsurveying the world with the calm assurance of a connoisseur of mostof the branches of life I began to entertain some very serious anddisturbing doubts. For (thought I) here is quite a capable kind offellow, of mature age, making a perfect guy of himself under theprofound conviction that he is doing just the reverse and that thatpimple of a hat suits him. No doubt, judging by the cut of his clothesand his general _soigné_ appearance, he stands before his glass everymorning until he is satisfied. Had he (thought I) any accuracy ofvision he would see himself the grotesque thing he is in that idioticlittle cap. But his vision is distorted. It was then that I began to go hot and cold all over, for I suddenlyrealised that my vision might be distorted too. My hat hitherto hadsatisfied me; but suppose that that too was all wrong. And then Iwondered if anyone really gets a true return from the mirror, or if weare not all bemused; and, remembering those astounding hats in whichWINSTON used to be photographed a few years ago, I asked myself, "Where are _we_, when even the great legislators can go so wrong?" Although all this soul-searching occurred several days ago, I am stillnervous, and I never catch sight of my reflection in a shop windowwithout suspicion racking me; while to see a smile on the face of anapproaching pedestrian is agony. But (you will say) why not ask the hatter or some intimate friend toselect the hat for you? I guessed you would suggest that. But it won'thelp; I'll tell you why. Some years ago I knew a fat man with a bighead--a journalist of great ability--who made himself undignified byperching upon the top of that great and capable head a little bowler. Its inadequacy had always annoyed me, but never more so than when, onmy arriving at our place of servitude one morning (we were on the samepaper) in a new and perfectly becoming hat, he said to me, "That hat'sall wrong. You should never choose a hat for yourself. I _never_ do. I get my wife to choose mine for me. " Remembering this I am even moreunsettled than before. I see no hope. * * * * * [Illustration: _Mistress_. "OH, HE'S GONE INTO THE TRENCHES, HAS HE?WELL, YOU MUSTN'T WORRY. " _Maid_. "OH, NO, MA'AM, I'VE LEFT OFF WORRYING NOW. HE CAN'T WALK OUTWITH ANYONE ELSE WHILE HE'S THERE. "] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_. ) The idea of publishing _Frederick the Great: The Memoirs of hisReader, Henri de Catt_ (_1758-1760_) (CONSTABLE) was that we are allso passionate against Prussianism that we want to plank down our moneyfor two volumesful of observations at first hand about the man who wasthe source and origin of that dark and swollen stream. Personally, we doubt the general zeal in this matter--not of Prussianism but ofFREDERICK. However, DE CATT, looking at a king from a queer angle, is extraordinarily diverting. "Reader" was a euphemism for a patientaudience, including _claque_. FREDERICK, _incognito_ on a Dutch barge, picked up the young scholar and marked him down as one who could beinduced by florins and flattery to take on the job of listening tohis patron's bad French verses and his after-dinner flutings of littlethings of his own, his approving observations on his own conduct, hisbattles, his philosophy of life and politics, no doubt calculatingthat it would all be jotted down on fateful scraps of paper and givena favourable colouring for the edification of the world. Well, thegreat FREDERICK put it over me all right. Frankly I rather liked theold fellow, his old clothes (there was at least no shining armourswank at Potsdam in those days), his practice of solemnly cuttingcapers for the benefit of his "reader, " though I know not explicitlywhat a caper is, his Billingsgate language, his real opinion ofVOLTAIRE, his charming, if possibly rare, acts of magnanimity, hismoderation in war, which was not all hypocrisy. In fact, if youexpect an ogre you will be disappointed. He could give the latestHohenzollern points in a good many directions. I ought, of course, to add that a learnedly allusive preface by Lord ROSEBERY graces thevolume, and that the very competent translation is by F. S. FLINT. * * * * * These are days when the more we know about Russia and things Russianthe better. Specially timely, then, is the appearance, in anEnglish translation, of _The Fishermen_ (STANLEY PAUL), by DIMITRYGREGOROVITSH. It is a wonderfully appealing story, which has been putinto English--presumably by Dr. ANGELO RAPPOPORT, though he is onlycredited on the title-page with the authorship of the Preface--in sucha way that the spirit of the original is admirably preserved. I hadnot read a couple of pages before the charm of the style laid holdupon me. The story is quite simple, concerned only with a groupof peasants, fisher-folk, living on the banks of a great river. GREGOROVITSH is like TOURGENIEV in his devotion to peasant and countrytypes, but otherwise more akin to our own younger school of realistsin the minuteness of his observation. Throughout the story abounds incharacter-study of a kind that, while building up the figure with athousand details, will add suddenly some vivid touch that brings thewhole wonderfully and unforgettably to life. An example of this is_Akim_, that perfect type of the hopeless incompetent, whose veryfutility, while it rightly exasperates his fellows, makes him adelight to the reader; so that his death, at the end of the firstpart, comes with an effect of personal loss. For my own part, as poor_Akim_ had never once before accomplished what he set out to do, Iwas quite expectant of his recovery, and proportionately disappointed. Throughout also there are pen-pictures of Russian scenery, full ofvivid colour; while the story itself, though inevitably in a somewhatminor key, is never sordid or pessimistic. Emphatically therefore abook for everyone to read who cares to know the best in the literatureof our great Ally. * * * * * MARGARET DELAND'S well-proved pen gives us a spirited sketch of amodernist American woman in _The Rising Tide_ (MURRAY). I don't quiteknow how this enigmatic sentence, which 1 have long puzzled over andfrankly given up, came to escape both author and reader: "Once Mrs. Childs said to tell Fred her Uncle William would say it was perfectnonsense. " I feel sure it is not good American. However, _FreddyPayton_ is a young girl who tells the inconvenient truth to everybodyabout everything, and you may guess that such candour does not makefor peace. _Mrs. Payton_ elects to keep her idiot son in the house, and _Freddy_ thinks an asylum is the proper place for him, andsays so. The late _Mr. Payton_ was a rake, and _Freddy_ derides hermother's weeds on the ground that the widow is really in her heartwaving flags for deliverance, but daren't admit it. _Freddy_ offerscigarettes to the curate, which is apparently a much greater crimeover there than here. _Freddy_ finally, carried along by the risingtide, asks the man she loves to marry her, mistaking his friendshipfor something stronger, and learns that, as the old-fashioned peoplelike her mother realise, men are essentially hunters and "won't bagthe game if it perches on their fists. " I wonder! But _Freddy_ gota better man--the diffident elderly man who was waiting round thecorner. In fact, _Freddy_ is rather a sport, and if Mrs. DELANDintended her as a tract for the times, in the manner of Mrs. HUMPHRYWARD, her shot has miscarried--at least so far as I am concerned. * * * * * [Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT. HOW AN ESCAPED PRISONER OF WAR BETRAYED HIMSELF. ] * * * * * _Edmund Layton_, thick in the arm and at times, be it confessed, thick in the head, was so thoroughly in love with _The Bright Eyes ofDanger_ (CHAMBERS), and the brighter eyes of _Charlotte Macdonell_, Jacobitess, that in the rousing days of the YOUNG PRETENDER he notonly lightly risked his life when his lady was in need, but more thanonce went out of his way to make things quite unnecessarily hazardousfor himself, when I or any other of his more canny Hanoverian friendswas longing to give him warning. For instance, when that takingvillain, _Philip Macdonell_, after beating him in the race for theFrench treasure buried in the sands of Spey beside the sunken ship(_vide_ the frontispiece mystery chart), soon after fell comfortablyinto his hands, he had no more discretion than to take him outto fight a duel; whereon, as we others foresaw, the wily villainincontinently disappeared and the fun was all to begin again. Maybewe might forgive him that, for of such staple are good yarns spun, but why in heaven's name should bold _Edmund Layton_ of Liddesdalego about to make himself and us miserable with feckless scruples thatruined the happy ending we had fairly earned? Either he was right tolet CHARLES STUART escape that day in the mist, in return for formergenerosity, or he was wrong; and one would have expected him to makeup his mind and there an end, and not fret himself into a pother andMr. JOHN FOSTER'S story into a most inartistic anti-climax over sucha subtlety. All the same a rattling good tale, full of hard knocks aswell as bright eyes, and with more than a smack of STEVENSON. * * * * * I fancy that I ought perhaps already to know _The Wood-Carver of'Lympus_ (MELROSE), which, hailing originally from America, seems tohave made many friends over here before reaching me in its presentform. I am glad, more especially at the present season, to extenda grateful welcome to so kindly and charming a story. Miss MARY E. WALLER has written a singularly refreshing and happy book, full ofpassages that reveal a great sympathy for country life and the heartsof simple people. _Hugh Armstrong_, the central figure, is a youth ina New England mountain farm, condemned to perpetual inactivity throughan accident. At the beginning of the story we see him, in the depthsof misery, visited by a casual passenger from the stage coach, whoseattention has been caught by his story as related by the driver. Thenceforward things mend for _Armstrong_. The stranger interests himin wood-carving; orders pour in, which help to bring comfort to thefarm; books and letters arrive from unknown city dwellers. Thus thetale is a record of increasing happiness, but kept (an importantthing) from cloying by the tragedy upon which it is built. If youwill not be put off by American dialect or by the rather startlingdiscovery that one of the kindliest characters is named _Franz_, youwill, I believe, find a brief stay upon '_Lympus_ most beneficial toyour spirits. * * * * * HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR BANKER. "The bankers of General Chang Tsolin, the Military Governor of Mukden, who suffered from financial troubles, were summarily executed by shooting on the charge of having disturbed the money market. "--_Shanghai Mercury_. * * * * * "The DarDdaDneDlDleDs Commissioners sat again to-day at the House of Lords, when General Sir John Maxwell was examined. "--i>Provincial Paper_. Please do not imagine that that is what the gallant officer calledthem. * * * * * "A LARGE BLACK DOG, no colour, strayed. "--_The Times_. "THE LUCKY BLACK CAT, in all colours, made to order. "--_The Queen_. This is the kind of thing that drives a chameleon mad. * * * * *