PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 103. October 10, 1892. AT A HYPNOTIC SÉANCE. SCENE--_A Public Hall in a provincial town. The Hypnotist--a tall, graceful, and handsome young man, in well-fitting evening clothes--has already succeeded in putting most of his subjects to sleep, and is going round and inspecting them critically, as they droop limply on a semicircle of chairs, in a variety of unpicturesque attitudes. The only Lady on the platform is evidently as yet in full possession of her senses. _ _First Female Spectator_ (_to Second_). MARIA MANGLES do take a timesending off, don't she? _Second F. S. _ (_also a friend of Miss MANGLES_). Yes, that she do--itgives her such a silly look, sitting there, the on'y one with hersenses about her! _First F. S. _ It's all affectation--she could shut her eyes fast enoughif she _liked_! _Second F. S. _ The 'Ipnotiser's coming round to her now--she'll _have_to go off now. (_With a not unpleasurable anticipation_. ) I expecthe'll make her do all manner o' ridic'lous things! _First F. S. _ Well, it will be a lesson, to her against making' herselfso conspicuous another time. I shan't pity her. _The Hyp. _ (_after a brief colloquy with Miss MANGLES_). I see I amnot likely to succeed with this Lady; so, with many thanks to her onbehalf of myself and the audience for coming forward, I will detainher no longer. [Illustration: "I do. Lovely creature!"] [_Applause, amidst which Miss M. Descends to her seat in the body of the hall, with a smile of conscious triumph. _ _First F. S. _ (_disappointed_). I don't see what she's done to claptheir hands about, myself! _Second F. S. _ Nor I neither--taking up his time all fornothing--depend upon it she wouldn't have gone up if he hadn't been sonice-looking! _First F. S. _ I wouldn't like to think _that_ of her myself; but, anyhow, she didn't get much by it, did she? He soon sent _her_packing! _Male Spectator_ (_to a Woman in front of him_). Evening, Mrs. MIDGELLY--I see they've got your good man up on the platform. _Mrs. M. _ He _will_ go, Mr. BUDKIN! He's gone up every night the'Ipnotiser's been here, and says he feels it's going to do him good. So this evening I said I'd come in too, and judge for myself. Whatgood he expects to get, laying there like a damp dishclout, _I_ don'tknow! [_Meanwhile the Hypnotist has borrowed a silver-handled umbrella from the audience, and thrust it before the faces of one or two loutish-looking youths, who immediately begin to squint horribly and follow the silver-top with their noses, till they knock their heads together. _ _Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. MIDGELLY_). He's going to give your husband aturn of it now. [_The umbrella-handle is applied to Mr. M. , a feeble-looking little man with a sandy top-knot; he grovels after the silver-top when it is depressed, and makes futile attempts to clamber up the umbrella after it when it is held aloft. _ _Mrs. M. _ (_severely_). I haven't patience to look at him. A _Kitten_'ud have had more sense! _The Hyp. _ (_calling up one of the heavy youths_). Can you whistle, Sir? Yes? Then whistle something. (_The Youth whistles a popular airin a lugubrious tone. _) Now you _can't_ whistle--try. (_The Youthtries--and produces nothing but a close imitation of an air-cushionthat is being unscrewed. _) Now, if I were not to wake him up, thisyoung gentleman's friends would never enjoy the benefit of his whistleagain! _Voice from a Back Row_. _Don't_ wake him, Guv'nor, we can _bear_ it! _Hyp. _ (_after restoring the lost talent, and calling up anotherYouth, somewhat smartly attired_). Now, Sir, what do you drink? _The Youth_ (_with a sleepy candour_). Beer when I can get 'old of it. _A Friend of his in Audience_. JIM's 'aving a lark with him--he saidas 'ow he meant to kid him like--_he_ ain't 'ipnotised, bless yer! _Hyp. _ But you like water, too, don't you? (_JIM admits this--inmoderation. _) Try this. (_He gives him a tumbler of water. _) Is thatgood water? _Jim_ (_smacking his lips_). That's good water enough, Sir. _Hyp. _ It's bad water--taste it again. [_JIM tastes, and ejects it with every symptom of extreme disapproval. _ _Jim's Friend_. Try him with a drop o' Scotch in it--_'e'll_ get itdown! _Hyp. _ (_to JIM_). There is _no_ water in that glass--it's full ofsovereigns, don't you see? (_JIM agrees that this is so, and testifiesto his conviction by promptly emptying the contents of the glass intohis trousers' pocket_) What have you got in your pocket? _Jim_ (_chuckling with satisfaction_). Quids--golden sovereigns! _Hyp. _ Wake up! _Now_ what do you find in your pocket--any sovereigns? _Jim_ (_surprised_). Sovereigns? No, Sir! (_After putting his handin his pocket, bringing it out dripping, and dolefully regarding thestream of water issuing from his leg_. ) More like water, Sir. [_He makes dismal efforts to dry himself, amidst roars of laughter. _ _His Friend_. Old JIM didn't come best out o' that! _Hyp. _ (_to JIM_). You don't feel comfortable? (_Emphatic assent from_JIM. ) Yes, you do, you feel no discomfort whatever. [_JIM resumes his seat with a satisfied expression. _ _An Open-minded Spect. _ Mind yer, if this yere 'Ipnotism can preventwater from being wet, there must be _something_ in it! _Hyp. _ I will now give you an illustration of the manner in which, by hypnotic influence, a subject can_ be affected with an entirelyimaginary pain. Take this gentleman. (_Indicating the unfortunateMr. MIDGELLY, who is slumbering peacefully. _) Now, what pain shall wegive him? _A Voice_. Stomach-ache! [_This suggestion, however, is so coyly advanced that it fortunately escapes notice. _ _Hyp. _ Tooth-ache? Very good--we will give him tooth-ache. [_The Audience receive this with enthusiasm, which increases to rapturous delight when Mr. MIDGELLY's cheek begins to twitch violently, and he nurses his jaw in acute agony; the tooth-ache is then transferred to another victim, who writhes in an even more entertaining manner, until the unhappy couple are finally relieved from torment. _ _A Spect. _ Well, it's better nor any play, this is--but he ought toha' passed the toothache round the lot of 'em, just for the fun o' thething! _Mrs. Midgelly_. I should ha' thought there was toothache enoughwithout coming here to get more of it, but so long as MIDGELLY'senjoyin' himself, _I_ shan't interfere! [_The Hypnot. Has impressed his subjects with the idea that there is an Angel at the other end of the hall, and they are variously affected by the celestial apparition, some gazing with a rapt grin, while others invoke her stiffly, or hail her like a cab. Mr. MIDGELLY alone exhibits no interest. _ _Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. M. _). Your 'usband don't seem to be puttinghimself out, Angel or no Angel. _Mrs. M. _ (_complacently_). He knows too well what's due to _me_, Mr. BUDKIN. _I'm_ Angel enough for him! _Hyp. _ I shall now persuade this Gentleman that there is a beautifulyoung lady in green at the door of this hall. (_To Mr. M. _) Do you seeher, Sir? _Mr. M. _ (_rising with alacrity_). I do. Lovely creature! [_He suddenly snatches up a decanter of water, and invites his invisible charmer, in passionate pantomime, to come up and share it with him--to the infinite delight of the Audience, and disgust of his Wife. _ AFTER THE PERFORMANCE. _Mr. Midgelly_ (_as he rejoins his Wife_). I felt the influence morestrongly to-night than what I have yet; and the Professor says, if Ionly keep on coming up every night while he's here, I shall soon becompletely susceptible to--Why, whatever's the matter, my dear? _Mrs. M. _ Matter! You're quite susceptible enough as it is; and, nowI know how you can go on, you don't catch me letting _you_ get'ipnotised again. You and your young lady in green indeed! _Mr. M. _ (_utterly mystified_). Me and my--I don't know what you'realluding to. It's the first _I've_ heard of it! _Mrs. M. _ (_grimly_). Well, it won't be the last by a long way. Oh, the insight I've had into your character this evening, MIDGELLY! [_Mr. M. Is taken home, to realise that Hypnotism is not altogether without its dangers. _ * * * * * [Illustration: THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON. "Nothing could have served my purpose better, than to have drawn this illuminating flash out of the thunders, " &c. , &c. --_Vide Duke of Argyll's Letter to The Times, and his Letter to Somebody who had drawn his Grace's attention to Mr. Gladstone's Snowdon Speech. _ * * * * * MEM. FROM WHITBREADFORDSHIRE. --Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE is reported tohave said, "I'll give you a good tip. Back _Duke_--and my horses forthe Cambridgeshire. " New Carpet Knight not successful as a sportingtipster, seeing that Colonel DUKE, though he fought well, was beaten. Perhaps Sir BLUNDELL meant _the Duke_, who races every night at DruryLane. That's a very good tip, as safe as houses--Drury Lane houses, ofcourse. * * * * * A CITY PARADOX. Our City Aldermanic lights Who talk (and live) a trifle high, In stern defence of civic rights Profess themselves prepared to die. And yet the Aldermanic crowd-- It's amply true, say what you will-- With open eyes have just allowed The Mayoralty to come to KNILL! * * * * * "HABITUAL DRUNKARDS COMMITTEE. "--An awful-looking heading to aparagraph! What a picture the imagination may conjure up of aCommittee of Habitual Drunkards! There would be the Honble. TOM TOPER, Lord SOTT, SAM SOKER, Marquis of MOPPS and BROOMS, Captain FUDDLE, DICK SWIZZLER, R. N. , FRANK FARGONE (of the _Daily Booze_), with TITEASA DRUMM in the Chair, or if not, under the table with the others. * * * * * CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. (_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM. _) Many manuals have been published for the edification of beginners inthe art of shooting. If that art can indeed be acquired by reading, there is no reason why any youth, whose education has been properlyattended to, should not be perfectly proficient in it without havingfired a single shot. But, _Mr. Punch_ has noticed in all these volumesa grave defect. In none of them is any instruction given which shallenable a man to obtain a conversational as well as a merely shootingsuccess. Every pursuit has its proper conversational complement. TheFarmer must know how to speak of crops and the weather in picturesqueand inflammatory language; the Barrister must note, for use at thedinner-table, the subtle jests of his colleagues, the perplexityof stumbling witnesses, and the soul-stirring jokes of Judges;the Clergyman must babble of Sunday-schools and Choir-practices. Similarly, a Shooter must be able to speak of his sport and its variedincidents. To be merely a good shot is nothing. Many dull men canbe that. The great thing, surely, is to be both a good shot and acheerful light-hearted companion, with a fund of anecdotes and a richstore of allusions appropriate to every phase of shooting. _Mr. Punch_ventures to hope that the hints he has here put together, may be ofvalue to all who propose to go out and "kill something" with a gun. THE GUN. No subject offers a greater variety of conversation than this. But, of course, the occasion counts for a good deal. It would be foolish todischarge it (metaphorically speaking) at the head of the first comer. You must watch for your opportunity. For instance, guns ought notto be talked about directly after breakfast, before a shot has beenfired. Better wait till after the shooting-lunch, when a fresh startis being made, say for the High Covert half a mile away. You can thenbegin after this fashion to your host:--"That's a nice gun of yours, CHALMERS. I saw you doing rare work with it at the corner of the newplantation this morning. " CHALMERS is sure to be pleased. You not onlycall attention to his skill, but you praise his gun, and a man's gunis, as a rule, as sacred to him as his pipe, his political prejudices, his taste in wine, or his wife's jewels. Therefore, CHALMERS ispleased. He smiles in a deprecating way, and says, "Yes, it's not abad gun, one of a pair I bought last year. " "Would you mind letting me feel it?" "Certainly not, my dear fellow here you are. " You then interchange guns, having, of course, assured one another thatthey are not loaded. Having received CHALMERS's gun, you first appearto weigh it critically. Then, with an air of great resolution, youbring it to your shoulder two or three times in rapid succession, andfire imaginary shots at a cloud, or a tuft of grass. You now handit back to CHALMERS, observing, "By Jove, old chap, it's beautifullybalanced! It comes up splendidly. Suits me better than my own. "CHALMERS, who will have been going through a similar pantomime withyour gun, will make some decently complimentary remark about it, andeach of you will think the other a devilish knowing and agreeablefellow. From this point you can diverge into a discussion of the latestimprovements, as, e. G. , "Are ejectors really valuable?" This is sureto bring out the man who has tried ejectors, and has given them up, because last year, at one of the hottest corners he ever knew, whenthe sky was simply black with pheasants, the ejectors of both his gunsgot stuck. He will talk of this incident as another man might talk ofthe loss of a friend or a fortune. Here you may say, --"By gad, whatfrightful luck! What did you do?" He will then narrate his comminatoryinterview with his gun-maker; others will burst in, and defendejectors, or praise their own gun-makers, and the ball, once setrolling, will not be stopped until you take your places for thefirst beat of the afternoon, just as MARKHAM is telling you that hisold Governor never shoots with anything but an old muzzle-loader byMANTON, and makes deuced good practice with it too. "Choke" is not a very good topic; it doesn't last long. After you haveasked your neighbour if his gun is choked, and told him that your leftbarrel has a modified choke, the subject is pretty well exhausted. "Cast-off. " Not to be recommended. There is very little to be made ofit. Something may be done with the price of guns. There's sure to besomeone who has done all his best and straightest shooting with a gunthat cost him only £15. Everybody else will say, "It's perfect rotgiving such high prices for guns. You only pay for the name. Mererobbery. " But there isn't one of them who would consent not to berobbed. It sometimes creates a pretty effect to call your gun "My oldfire-iron, " or "my bundook, " or "this old gas-pipe of mine. " "Bore. " Never pun on this word. It is never done in really goodsporting society. But you can make a few remarks, here and there, about the comparative merits of twelve-bore and sixteen-bore. Choosea good opening for telling your story of the man who shot with afourteen-bore gun, ran short of cartridges on a big day, and was, ofcourse, unable to borrow from anyone else. Hence you can deduce thesuperiority of twelve-bores, as being the more common size. All these subjects, like all others connected with shooting, can beresumed and continued after dinner, and in the smoking-room. Talk ofthe staleness of smoke! It's nothing to the staleness of the storiesto which four self-respecting smoking-room walls have to listen in thecourse of an evening. (_To be continued. _) * * * * * [Illustration: A PIS-ALLER. "ARE THERE ANY NIGGERS ON THE BEACH THIS MORNING, MAMMIE?" "NO, DEAR; IT'S SUNDAY MORNING. " "OH, THEN I MAY AS WELL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOU!"] * * * * * BY-AND-BY LAWS FOR TRAFALGAR SQUARE. (_WHEN MEETINGS ARE HELD IN "TIMES OF POLITICAL OR SOCIAL CRISES_. ") 1. Cabs, omnibuses, carriages, and pedestrians will be expected tokeep clear of the space occupied by the Demonstrators. 2. To prevent destruction of glass and removal of property from shopwindows, tradesmen will be expected to put up their shutters severalhours before the holding of the meeting. 3. No particular notice will be paid to the transference of propertyfrom one leader of labour to another. If done by stealth, it will beaccepted as a proof of secret Socialism. 4. No objection will be raised to combats amongst the Demonstrators, with the restriction that no Government property is injured. 5. As the maintaining of the road is a matter of contract, Demonstrators wishing to emphasise their opinions, must bring theirown stones. 6. As a good deal of property is expected to change hands during thevarious proceedings, an application with a description of lost goods, and photograph of supposed thief, can be addressed to the ChiefInspector of Police, Scotland Yard. 7. These regulations (which are tentative) will be in force untilafter the next General Election, when a fresh series will bepublished, to be followed by others as occasion may require. * * * * * A POOR ROAD TO LEARNING. SCENE--_Interior of a School Board Office. Official discovered hard at work, doing single-handed in London what is done by nearly a thousand officials combined in "Bonnie Scotland. " Enter Female Applicant, with infant. _ _Applicant_. Please, Sir, here's my boy. Can you take him? _Official_. Certainly. Has he had any education? _App. _ Well, as he's rising five, not much. _Off. _ But does he know anything? For instance, has he learned anyEnglish history? _App. _ Not that I know of. _Off. _ Has he dipped into geography? _App. _ Well, I don't think he has. _Off. _ Can he cipher at all? _App. _ Not very well. _Off. _ Does he know what two and two make? _App. _ Well, he has never said he does. _Off. _ Can he write? _App. _ Well, no, he doesn't write. _Off. _ But I suppose he can read? Come, he at least can read? _App. _ Well, no, Sir, I am afraid he's not much of a scholar. I don'tthink he can read. _Off. _ Then he is absolutely ignorant--miserably ignorant. _App. _ Very likely, Sir, --you know best. _Off. _ Well, now, my good woman, I will tell you what we will do withhim. We will teach him to read, write, and cipher, and give him anexcellent education. _App. _ And you will take care of him, Sir? _Off. _ Of course we will take care of him; and as for his education, we will-- _App. _ Oh, Sir, so long as you looks after him, never you mind abouthis education! [_Exit infantless. _ * * * * * TO MAUD. _A PENITENT ROUNDEL. _ I called you MAUDE. I only meant to tease, But somehow, ere I ended, came to laud Your charms in my poor verses. So in these I called you MAUDE. "My name is _MAUD_. " And I am overawed, Forgive the indiscretion if you please. The spirit Truth, they tell me, is abroad, And since she sojourns still across the seas, I swear I knew the final _e_ a fraud-- So that you suffered from no lack of _e_'s I called you MAUDE! * * * * * KNILL NISI BOIMUM. [Illustration: Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose. ] The good common sense of the Common Councilman and Liverymen of theCity, --Liverymen not to be led astray by any false lights, --coupledwith their truly English love of fairplay, prevailed, and the CityFathers on Goose Day were prevented from following in the goose-stepsof that Uncommon Councilman who, bearing the honoured names of BEAUFOY(a fine old Norman-Baron title!) and of MOORE (shade of Sir THOMAS!), made so extraordinary a display of bigotry and ignorance as, it is tobe hoped, is rare, and becoming rarer every day, among our worthy JOHNGILPINS of credit and renown East of the Griffin. But in spite of this nonsensical hot-gospelling rant, Alderman andSheriff STUART KNILL was elected Lord Mayor, while BEAUFOY MOOREwas, so to speak, no MOORE, and, in fact, very much against his willand wish, was reduced to NIL. WILLY-KNILLY he had to cave in. _Mr. Punch_ congratulates the Lord Mayor Elect, but still more does hecongratulate the City Fathers on rising above paltry sectarianism, soutterly unworthy of time, place, and persons, and for standing up, in true English fashion, for freedom of worship coupled with absoluteLiberty of Conscience. * * * * * THE PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE. [Illustration: "A Warde with you. "] [Illustration: Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period). ] At this moment there is really a very excellent extertainment atthe Empire Theatre of Varieties, something, or rather many thingsof which the Management may, and should be proud. A capital troupeof Bicyclists, a Spanish Dancer and singer--whose gestures to themultitude are more intelligible than her language--a graceful, serpentine dancer, and "a very peculiar American Comedian"--all theseare a part of the programme. But the best item in this liberal bill offare is _Round the Town_, a characteristic Ballet, in five _tableaux_. The composers of this pleasing piece are Madame KATTI LANNER, and Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. As the lady is well known for her admirable dances, it may be safely presumed that the gentleman is solely responsible forthe plot, or rather "the argument. " It runs as follows:--"_Dr. Burch_, newly arrived in London with his pupils, wishes to show them thesights. What better to begin with than Covent Garden Market in theearly morning?" Quite so, the more especially as the lads must be verybackward boys. There are six of them, and the youngest seems aboutthirty, and the oldest about double that age. The Doctor must haverescued them from Epsom Race Course, and apparently is attempting togive them an education fitting them to follow what seems to be his owncalling--the profession of an undertaker. These elderly pupils followtheir kind preceptor (for, although he is called _Burch_, there isnot the slightest suggestion of the rod about him, and, moreover, hischarges are really too elderly to receive chastisement) to the RoyalExchange, the Thames Embankment, and, lastly, to the Empire. Duringtheir travels, they meet _Mr. Rapless_, known as "the Oofless Swell, "(a part amusingly played by Mr. W. WARDE), and _John Brough_, acarpenter with a taste for ballet costumes and drink, the carpenter'swife, and the carpenter's child. _Dr. Burch_, who is evidentlyeasy-going, but good-hearted, after flirting with a lady who has herboots cleaned before the Royal Exchange, suddenly developes into aphilanthropist, not to say a divine. On the carpenter's wife andchild appearing on the Thames Embankment in the characters of would-besuicides, the worthy pedagogue convinces them (to quote the programme)"That they have no right to take away the lives which the Almighty hasplaced in their hands. " Mother and child are quickly convinced, andthe neat but drunken father (Signorina MALVINA CAVALAZZI) appearingon the scene, the good man informs him that his wife and child aredead, "driven to an untimely grave by his (the intemperate but nattyartisan's) desertion and cruelty. " The effect of this inaccuratestatement is startling. To quote once more from the argument, "incontinently the now penitent ruffian falls fainting to the ground. "But he is brought back to himself, his better self, by his childwhispering "Father!" The situation is full of pathos, even whenwitnessed from the Stalls. Recovering his senses, the convertedcarpenter promptly borrows money from the good old Doctor, and whenthat estimable gentleman is about to enter the Empire Theatre ofVarieties (accompanied by his school), a little later he has the"satisfaction of seeing his _protégé Mortimer_ (the ex-ruffian), returning contentedly from his work. " This is the simple but patheticstory that Mr. GEO. EDWARDES touchingly tells with the assistance ofa full _corps de ballet_, five _tableaux_, and last, but certainly notleast, the hints of Madame KATTI LANNER. [Illustration: Jolly Tar A. B. "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"] [Illustration: Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen fromEmpire Stalls. ] There are many remarkable persons in _Round the Town_. Notablyan effeminate but substantial stock-broker, who looks like astock-jobber's maiden-aunt in disguise. Another important personage isa representative of the Navy, whose figure suggests as an appropriategreeting, "Hip, hip, hip, hooray!" Both these characters arewell-played, and although subordinate parts, make their mark, orrather, we should say, score heavily. Altogether; the ballet isexcellent both in dances and plot. The first is a testimony of thegood head of Madame KATTI LANNER, and the last of the equally goodheart of Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. There is no doubt that _Round the Town_will draw all London to see (in its realistic scenes) all Londondrawn! * * * * * WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE. (_FROM A COLLECTION OF COMMUNICATIONS SUPPLIED BY OUR PROPHETICCOMPILER. _) DEAR MR. PUNCH, --Forgive me for addressing you, but the urgency ofthe occasion warrants the intrusion. A hundred years since, the oldFighting _Foudroyant_ was sold by the Admiralty to be broken up. Themoment the Public of the Period learned the cruel fact through thecustomary sources of information, they flew to the rescue. Headed bythe then LORD MAYOR, they raised a fund to bring back the discardedvessel, and yet in those distant days there were they who deniedthat the _Foudroyant_ had ever done anything in particular. And nowwe propose doing the same thing. On the Thames there is an ancientsteamboat called _Citizen Z_, that once belonged to the Company thatstarted penny river lifts. It is certainly rather out of date, but isfull of historical memories. It is said that the Cabinet travelledto Greenwich on its venerable boards, where they feasted on thehalf-forgotten Whitebait, and the entirely, superseded Champagne. Ithas carried, at one time or another, all the nobility to Rosherville, there to spend (as the old saying went) "a happy day, " and yet it isproposed to break it up! Out upon the thought! Have we no venerationfor our relics of the past? Cannot we appreciate a boat that shouldhave had an honoured place in the Museum at Woolwich? Do not let thisact of Vandalism be done. Save the steamer for the sake of its past. Yours truly, A REAR-ADMIRAL. _H. M. S. Electric-Balloon, Skye. _ DEAR MR. PUNCH, --I appeal to you, and I know I shall not appeal invain. The picturesque Cabman's Shelter in the middle of Piccadilly isthreatened! I hope you will exert your influence to preserve it. Itabsolutely teems with historical associations. Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILLis supposed to have used it for writing his famous letter on thePoor-Laws, and to this day is shown the initials of CHARLES STUARTPARNELL which were carved by that celebrated statesman on one of itsbenches about the middle of the last century--probably in 1854. Andwhy is it to be removed? Simply because it is said to impede thetraffic! Could anything be more absurd? Do, pray, save it from thehand of the ruthless "improver. " Yours truly, ONE WHO RESPECTS THE PAST. _Tumbledowns, West Kensington_ (_late Reading_). * * * * * [Illustration: OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS. _First Chieftain_. "I SAY, OLD CHAP, WHAT A DOOSE OF A BORE THESEGAMES ARE!" _Second Chieftain_. "AH, BUT, MY DEAR BOY, IT IS THIS SORT OF THINGTHAT HAS MADE US SCOTCHMEN _WHAT WE ARE_!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A NUISANCE. _Miss Priscilla_. "YES; IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VIEW. BUT TOURISTS ARE IN THEHABIT OF BATHING ON THE OPPOSITE SHORE, AND THAT'S RATHER A DRAWBACK. " _Fair Visitor_. "DEAR ME! BUT AT SUCH A DISTANCE AS THAT--SURELY--" _Miss Priscilla_. "AH, BUT WITH A _TELESCOPE_, YOU KNOW!"] * * * * * AT LAST! (_JEREMIAD BY A MIDDLE-AGED MARTYR TO THE GREAT SEASIDESUPERSTITION. _) ["To middle-aged people, at all events, nothing can be more trying and deleterious than holidays. "--_Daily News_. ] Oh, thanks to thee, thanks to thee, sage unconventional! Heaven be blest, the truth's out, then, at last! Holiday woes--'twould take volumes to mention all!-- Now, in the lump, meet a shrewd counterblast. _Trying?_ Of course they are! _Most deleterious?_ Scribe, let me clasp thee, in thought, to this breast! Holiday-hunting is Man's most mysterious, Maddening guest! _Quixote_, I swear, was a model of sanity, When with the Holiday-seeker compared. Fidgety folly, and fussy inanity. These be the figments by which we are snared. Soon as you're drawn from your own cosy drawing-room, Far over flood, field, or foam--for your sins-- Then, when your breast makes for vulturine gnawing room, Bother begins! Bother, that bugbear of bufferish Middle-Age! Swift "scurry-funging" may do for the young, The "hey-diddle-diddle, the Cat-and-the-fiddle" age. "Over the moon" I myself once had sprung, Thirty years syne, in sheer fervour athletical-- Now, like the dog, I would laugh, and look on. Once, with sheer "drive, " I'd a sense sympathetical-- Now I have none! Holiday? Term, Sir, is simply a synonym For--waste of tissue! What doctor will dare Tell his poor patients so? _I_'ll put _my_ tin on him! Rest? Recreation? Pick-up? Change of air? All question-begging fudge-phrases of sophistry! Let city-toilers who're fagged or "run down, " Autumnal _quiet_ (in home or in office), try; _Not_ "out of town. " Out of town? Where is the term that's claptrappier? _Means_ out of temper, or out of your mind. Boot-black or old crossing-sweeper's far happier, Tied to his task in the town--as you'll find. Picking up coppers far better than picking up Shells by the sea, or sham friends on the snore. Bah! What have buffers to do with such kicking-up Heels? It's a bore! Who'll start a League to be called Anti-Holiday? Bet half the middle-aged men-folk will join! Then we _might_ get an occasional jolly day, Free from the pests who perplex and purloin. "Health-Resort" quackery, portmanteau-packery, Cheat-brigade charges and chills I might miss. Dear-bought jimcrackery, female knicknackery!-- Oh! 'twere pure bliss! * * * * * BRAVO, BOBBY! ["The Brighton Police have received orders to move on all organ-grinders. "] Bless you, Brighton Bobby, bless you, Boldly bringing balmy bliss! Barrel--organ barred--I guess you Banish blatant bands with this. Brazen blasts, by boobies blowing, Bad as barrel's buzz can be. Bid them budge! I'd vote for throwing Beggars like these in the sea. Battered bands from Bremen, Berlin; Bearded bandits, born between Bari and Bergamo, hurl in! Bathed--that's what they've never been! Britons all, oh, be not laggards, But, like Brighton, move them on! Bad, bacteria-hearing black-guards, Beastly, blatant brutes, begone! * * * * * ANOTHER ABOUT THE NEW LORD MAYOR ELECT. --"It's _a Knill wind_ thatblows nobody any good. " _Signed_, BOGIE MOORE. * * * * * [Illustration: THE OLD SPIRIT. ["_Gentlemen of the Life Guards, --Forward--March!"--_Sir WALTER SCOTT. "_Old Mortality_. "] L'ESPRIT DE CORPS (_loq. _). "SHAME! SHAME!--IS IT THUS YOU USE YOURSWORDS? WHATEVER MAY HAVE HAPPENED, ARE WE NOT STILL 'GENTLEMEN OF THELIFE GUARDS'?" "It is stated that Lord METHUEN, after censuring the conduct of the regiment, requested the men who had cut the saddle-panels to step forward and own the act, which would in that case be dealt with simply as a case of insubordination. He gave them a few minutes to consider, but as none of them made any admission, he intimated that he should have to report the matter to the Commander-in-Chief as a mutiny. "--_Daily Paper_, 30th Sept. , 1892. ] * * * * * [Illustration: AN ABSENT AUDIENCE. _Socialist_. "Ah!--it's all very well yer looking at _Me_, with yerSmiles AND yer Jeers. . . . "] * * * * * DE CORONA. ["The shape of the hat is another token in which individuality asserts itself, and the angle at which it is worn. There are men who vary this angle with their different moods. "--_Article on "Men's Dress, " Daily News, Sept. 10. _] You ask why I gaze with devotion At ALGERNON's features, my love? Nay, you are astray in your notion, My glance is directed above; His hair may be yellow or ruddy, No longer I'm anxious for that, But now I incessantly study The tilt of his hat. At times it will carelessly dangle With an air of æsthetic repose, At others will point to an angle Inclined to the tip of his nose; When it rests on the side of his head, he Will smile at whatever befalls, When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready For numerous squalls! When he starts for his train to the City It is put on exactly upright, And who would not view it with pity Return, mud-bespattered, at night? When early, so polished and glowing, Jammed on at haphazard when late; It forms a barometer, showing His mood up to date. And you, who are young and unmarried, Give heed to my counsel, I pray; Do not, I entreat you, be carried By wealth or affection away; The heroine, novelists mention, "Eyes fondly his features. " Instead, Observe, for _your_ part, with attention, The hat on his head! * * * * * A NEW COLLECTION OF _HIMS_, ANCIENT AND MODERN. --The Church Congressat Folkestone. * * * * * LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. _Mount Street, Grosvenor Square. _ DEAR MR. PUNCH, We were not overcrowded last week at Newmarket, and really the moreone takes racing from a business point of view, the more attractive itbecomes!--at least, I have found it so myself ever since it has beenmy duty to acquire information for the benefit of my readers. There was only one thing that annoyed me during the week, and thatwas the inconsiderate behaviour of _Windgall_ in winning the OctoberHandicap, although it was a most extraordinary confirmation of myremarks anent his performance in the Leicester Handicap, in my lastletter; but it _is_ annoying that, when you select a horse to win arace, he runs _second_, and directly after wins a race for which he is_not_ selected, beating the horse chosen by a length!--it puzzles mecompletely, as it is impossible in this case to put it down to wantof good breeding! We were sorry not to have the _Buccaneer-Orvieto_match decided, as it would have been the event of the meeting; but, as the old proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to his beast, " so_Orvieto_ had an afternoon's rest at the price of £100!--rather morethan some people might be inclined to pay for a game of forfeits! The time is not yet ripe--(has anyone _ever_ seen time get ripe, Iwonder?)--for disclosing what I know about the Cesarewitch--(I neverknow whether I've spelt that correctly or not!--and the more you lookat it the "wronger" it seems!)--but I may mention that I've heardgreat accounts of _Kingkneel_, who was bought the other day for SirGREENASH BURNLEY (the latest favourite of fortune, and beloved ofthe ring)--and had he not earned a penalty--(this expression oughtto be changed, as it implies, to my mind, which is an _excellent_average sample; a misdemeanor)--by winning a paltry thousand poundsrace somewhere; I really believe the Cesare--no!--not again!--wasat his mercy--but now, as the turf-writer puts it--"I shall lookelsewhere!"--as if _that_ would make any difference!--but of thisrace, more anon, and meantime, those who are fond of the "good things"of this life must not miss my selection for the big race of next weekat Kempton--on the Jubilee Course, which said course, I am told, is byno means a Jubilee for the jockeys, owing to the danger in "racing forthe bend. " There are several horses entered who seem to have great chances, making the race as difficult as a problem in _Euclid_--but myselection will most certainly be "there, or thereabouts, " which is acomforting, if somewhat vague reflection. Yours truly, LADY GAY. DUKE OF YORK STAKES SELECTION. The muse is dull!--the day is dead! And vain is all endeavour To light afresh the poet's spark-- I _can't_ find a rhyme for the winner, _Iddesleigh_, P. S. --Really it's most thoughtless of owners to harass one with suchnames! * * * * * "IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX. " (IN THE POUND). SIR, --I have been much struck with the suggestion to do without hats, and have made trial of the system. It has also made trial of _me_, in the way of colds in the head, bronchial catarrh, &c. , but I stillpersevere. _It's so much cheaper!_ I have sold my stock of oldhats for half-a-crown, and calculate that I shall save _quite threeshillings per annum_ by not buying new ones. Surely anybody can seethat this is well worth doing! I am now seriously contemplating thepossibility of _doing without boots_! Yours truly, SAVE THE SAXPENCES. SIR, --Talk about hair growing if you leave off hats! My hairwas falling off in handfuls a little time ago. Did I abjure hatsaltogether? Not being a born idiot, I did not. But I saw that what wasneeded was proper ventilation aloft. So I had a specially-constructedtop-hat made, with holes all round it. In fact there were more holesthan hat, and the hatter scornfully referred to it as a "sieve. " Theinvention answered splendidly. There was a thorough draught constantlyrushing across the top of my head, with the speed and violence of afirst-class tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once began to growin such profusion that it now seems impossible to stop them, exceptby liberal applications of "Crinificatrix, " the Patent Hair Restorer. _That_ checks the growth effectually. My general name among chanceacquaintances is "Old Doormat. " You can judge how thick my hair mustbe and I ascribe it entirely to the beneficent action of the draught, as before, Yours, WELL-COVERED. DEAR SIR, --Why would it be a mistake to say that a Negro was "asblack as my hat?" _Because I never wear one. _ The only inconvenienceresulting is in wet weather--but, even then, I am prepared for allemergencies. I keep in my pocket a little square of black waterproof, to cover my head when it rains. In an Assize town, the other day, Iwas followed by an angry crowd, who imagined that I was one of theJudges, and that I had gone mad, and was walking about the streetswith the black cap on! But all true reformers are treated in this way, even in England, the land of Liberty. Yours, HATZOFF. * * * * * [Illustration: THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK. ] "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!"-- Ah, CARROLL! it is not in fun Your song's light lilt we snatch. Our Jabberwock's a _real_ brute, With mighty maw, and ruthless hand, Who ravage makes beyond compute In Civic Blunderland. Look at the ogre's hideous mouth! His tiger-teeth, his dragon-tail! O'er Town, East, West, and North and South, He leaves his slimy trail. And where he comes all Beauty dies, And where he halts all Greenery fades. Pleasantness flies where'er he plies His gruesomest of trades. He blights the field, he blasts the wood, With breath as fierce as prairie flame; And where sweet works of Nature stood, He leaves us--slums of shame. The locust and the canker-worm Are not more ruinous than he. "I'll take this Eden--for a term!" He cries, and howls with glee. "Beauty? Mere bosh! Charm? Utter rot! What boots your 'Earthly Paradise, ' Until 'tis made 'A Building Plot'? Then it indeed looks nice! "O Jerry Street! O Jerry Park! O Jerry Gardens, Jerry Square!-- You won't discover--what a lark!-- One 'touch of Nature' there! "'This handsome Villa Residence' Means mud-built walls and clay-clogged walks; And drains offensive to the sense, And swamps whence fever stalks. "Beauty's best friends I drive away, Artists who sketch, ramblers who rove, Lovers who spoon, children who play, -- All, all who Nature love. "Nor do I give them wholesome homes For verdant meads--no, there's the fun! Stuccodom, frail and sickly, comes After 'Lot Twenty-One!' "I make a clearing, dig a trench, Run up a shell of rotten bricks. And thus the rule of sham and stench Upon the 'site' I fix. "The ugly and unhealthy still Associate with the name of Jerry; And thus I work my wicked will, And flourish, and make merry!" 'Twas so the Jerry-Jabberwock Sang in a suburb, void of shame, Blunderland's civic will to mock, And put its sense to shame. This ogre of our towns to slay, Where is the urban "Beamish Boy"? CARROLL, when comes that "frabjous day, " _We_'ll "chortle in our joy. " Young County Council, are _you_ one? 'Tis said you're but a Bumble-batch! Beware the Jobjob Bird, and shun The Bigot-Bandersnatch! We'll pardon much that seems absurd, Excuse some blunders that bewilder, If you'll but "draw your vorpal sword" And slay--the Jerry-Builder! * * * * * [Illustration: METAMORPHOSIS. ("_We know what we are, but we know not what we may be. _") _Conductor_. "TAKE YER TO THE CIRCUS, AND THERE YOU'LL CHANGE INTO AHELEPHANT. " _Master Kenneth_. "OH, MOTHER, WHAT A JOLLY CIRCUS! MAY WE GO AND SEETHE OLD GENTLEMAN CHANGE INTO AN ELEPHANT?"] * * * * * THE MODERN MERCURY. [Illustration] Behold that urchin, occupied In counting with an honest pride The marbles he has won! O tardy messenger of fate, Without distinction, small and great, Their telegrams, perforce, await Until your game is done. Perchance a philosophic strain Makes you regard as wholly vain Our human bliss and woes; What matters, whether State affairs, Or news of good, or weighty carts, Or tidings relative to shares Within your bag repose? Well, not by me will you be blamed; I like to see you not ashamed To dawdle for awhile; You furnish, by example sage, A moral for our busy age; And so, though others fume and rage, I watch you with a smile. He moves at length, and now we'll see Which way . . . This telegram for me? Oh, worst of human crimes Is such delay!--it's monstrous quite! I'll forward a complaint to-night! Here, pen and paper--let me write A letter to the _Times_! * * * * * MRS. RAM was heard to remark that she "didn't know a finer body ofmen than the Yokel Loamanry. " Probably the old lady meant the LocalYeomanry. * * * * * LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. NO. XVI. --TO YOUTHFULNESS. You are much misunderstood. For it is supposed that those who in thisworld bear your stamp upon them are to be recognised without troubleby the mere calculation of their years of life. No notion can befurther from the truth. Mere absence of wrinkles, the presence orcolour of the hair on the head, the elasticity of limbs, these do notof themselves, I protest, testify to youthfulness. I knew a lad oftwenty, who, in the judgment of the world, was young. In mine he wasone of the hoariest as he was one of the least scrupulous of men. Noveteran that I ever met could have put him up to any trick, or addedany experience to his store. He seemed to have a marvellous andintuitive experience of the ways of life, and of the tricks of men. No shady society came amiss to him. He gambled, in his way, as coolly, and with as careful a precision, as _Barry Lyndon_; he met the keenfrequenters of the betting-ring on equal terms, and contrived, amidthat vortex to keep his head above water. He had a faultless tastein wine--he knew a good cigar by an instinct. It is hardly necessaryto add that, with all these accomplishments, he held and expressedthe meanest opinion of human nature in general. Not even Sir ROBERTWALPOLE could have more cynically estimated the price at which menmight be bought. As for women, this precocious paragon despised them, and women, as is their wont, repaid him by admiration, and, hereand there, by genuine affection. I shudder to think how he mighthave developed in the course of years. It happened, however, that ashipwreck--a form of disaster against which cynicism and precocityafford no protection--removed him from the world before he had come ofage. Now, to call this infant young, would have been a mockery. To alloutward appearance, indeed, he was a boy, but his mind was that of aselfish and used-up _roué_ of sixty, without illusions, and withouthope. [Illustration] Let me pass to a more pleasant subject, and one with which you, my dear boy, are more closely connected. I refer to my old friend. General VANGARD, the kindest and best-natured man that ever drewhalf-pay. Seventy years have passed over his head, and turned his hairto silver, but his heart remains pure gold without alloy. In vain dohis whiskers and moustache attempt to give a touch of fierceness tohis face. The kindly eyes smile it away in a moment. He stands sixfeet and an inch, his back his broad, his step springy; he carrieshis head erect on his massive shoulders with a leonine air ofgood-humoured defiance. To hear him greet you, to feel his hand-shake, is to get a lesson in geniality. I never knew a man who had sowhole-hearted a contempt for insincerity and affectation. It wasonly the other day that I saw little TOM TITTERTON, of the DiplomaticService, introduced to him. TOM is a devil of a fellow in Society. He warbles little songs of his own composition at afternoon teas, he insinuates himself into the elderly affections of stony-hearteddowagers, he can lead a _cotillon_ to perfection, and is universallyacknowledged as an authority on gloves and handkerchiefs. It was at ashooting-party that he and the General met. The little fellow advancedsimpering, and raised a limp and dangling hand to about the heightof his eyes. The General had extended his in his usual bluff andunceremonious manner. Naturally enough the hands failed to meet. Apuzzled look came over the General's face. In a moment, however, he had grasped the situation, and TITTERTON's hand, and shaken thelatter with a ferocious heartiness. "OW!" screamed TOM. It was a shortexclamation, but a world of agony was concentrated into it. "Theold bear has spoilt my shooting for the day, " said TITTERTON to meafterwards, as he missed his tenth partridge. That very evening, Iremember, there was a great discussion in the smoking-room on thesubject of wrestling. One of the party, a burly youth of twenty-six, boasted somewhat loudly of the tricks that a Cornishman had latelytaught him. For a long time the General sat silently puffing hiscigar, but at length the would-be wrestler said something that rousedhim. "Would you mind showing me how that's done?" he said; "I seem toremember something about it, but it was done differently in my time. No doubt your notion's an improvement. " Nothing loth the burly onestood up. I don't quite know what happened. The General seemed tostoop with outstretched hands and then raise himself with a spring ashe met his opponent. A large body hurtled through the air, and in amoment the younger man was lying flat on the carpet amidst the shoutsof the company. "It's the old 'flying mare' my boy, " said the Generalto me, "a very useful dodge. I learnt it fifty years ago. " In the company of young men the General is at his very best. He knowsall their little weaknesses, and chaffs them with delightful point andhumour, though he would not, for all the world, give them pain. Itis a pleasant sight to see the old fellow with a party of his youngfriends, poking sly fun at them, laughing with them, taking all theirjests in good part, and thoroughly enjoying himself. He can walk mostof them off their legs still, can row with them on the broad reachesof the Thames, and keep his form with the best of them; he can holdhis gun straight at driven birds, and revel like a boy in a rattlingrun to hounds across country. All the youngsters respect him byinstinct, and love the cheery old fellow, whose heart is as soft ashis muscles are hard. They talk to him as to an elder brother, come tohim for his advice, and, which is perhaps even more strange, like it, and follow it. Withal, the General is the most modest of men. In hisyouth he was a mighty man of war. It was only the other day that Iheard (not from his own lips, you may be sure) the thrilling storiesof his hand-to-hand conflict with two gigantic Russians in the fog ofInkermann, and of his rescue of a wounded Sergeant at the attack inthe Redan. With women, old or young, the General uses an old-fashionedand chivalrous courtesy, as far removed from latter-day smartness aswas BAYARD from BOULANGER. The younger ones adore him. They all seemto be his nieces, for they all call him Uncle JOHN. A year or two ago the General fell ill, and the doctors shook theirheads. It was touching to see the concern of all his young friends. CHARLIE CHIRPER, a gay little butterfly of a fellow, who never seemedto treat life as anything but a huge joke, became gloomy with anxiety. Twice every day he called to make inquiries, and, as the bulletinsgot worse, CHARLIE became visibly thinner. I saw him at the Club oneevening, sitting moodily in a corner. "What's up, CHARLIE?" I saidto him. "You look as if you'd been refused by an heiress. " "The OldGeneral's worse to-day, " said CHARLIE, simply. "They're very anxiousabout him. No, dash it all!" he went on, "it's too bad. I can't bearto think of it. Such an old ripper as the General! Why must they takehim? Why can't they take a useless chap like me, who never did anyoneany good?" And the unaccustomed tears came into the lad's eyes as heturned his head away. But the old General battled through, and, thankHeaven, I can still write of him in the present tense. Yours as always, my dear boy, DIOGENES ROBINSON. * * * * * "ANECDOTAGE. " (_COMPANION VOLUME TO OTHER WORKS OF THE SAME KIND. _) A traveller in Italy during the middle ages knew a Chemist very wellindeed. One day a rather stylish Lady, with a shifty look about theeyes, entered the shop and asked for some poison. "I cannot furnishyou. Madam, with what you require. I have quarrelled with theundertaker. " The Traveller subsequently ascertained that the name ofthe lady was LUCREZIA BORGIA. * * * * * Just before the Battle of Waterloo, FOUCHÉ met BONAPARTE, who was thenin command of the French Army. He said, "You will find that, beforethis campaign is over, I shall have on one foot a BLUCHER, and onthe other a WELLINGTON. It is fortunate for me I cannot find pairsof both! This is a proof (if one is needed) of the EMPEROR's fear offate. * * * * * CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was (as a lad) very fond of exploration. One dayhe went over to America, and, arriving at his destination, christenedit Columbia. The land of the Yankees, even now, is occasionally knownby this appellation. * * * * * _Mr. Punch_ one day was invited to listen to Someone's Recollectionsor Reminiscences. All went well for five minutes, when theAutobiographist, looking up from his Autobiography, found that _Mr. Punch_ was fast asleep. The Sage slumbered as the Representative ofthe Public. * * * * * NOTICE. --Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS. , Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in nocase be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and AddressedEnvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.