PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 104, MAY 20TH 1893 edited by Sir Francis Burnand OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. Another Show! A splendid Imperial Show! Magnificent weather! RealQUEEN'S weather, and consequently a big success. The grandeur, thesolidarity of the British Empire--[&c. , &c. *. * _Editor regretsthat for lack of space he is compelled to omit the remainder of thisremarkably fine panegyric. He suggests to Author that it would comeout well in pamphlet form, price one shilling, or it might be givenaway with a pound of Indian tea. _--ED. ] Obedient to the call of duty Iwas myself present as one of the 'umblest of the distinguished guestsassembled to welcome Her Imperial MAJESTY on this auspicious occasion. It was my good fortune to be immediately in front of a charming YoungLady and her delightful Grandmother. The latter was a trifle deaf, andher Granddaughter being a wonderfully well-informed young lady, I hadquite an enjoyable time of it; as had also my neighbours, though Iregret to say that some of them after the first three-quarters of anhour seemed rather to resent the gratuitous information given withastonishing volubility by the amiable Young Lady to her confidingrelative. For example, up came his Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. "That's the LORD CHANCELLOR, " our well-informed Young Lady told herGrandmother. Much cheering greets Lord SALISBURY. "That's GeneralROBERTS, " said the Young Lady, adding, as if rather doubting her ownaccuracy, "though why he wears a naval uniform I am unable to say. "It didn't matter; her Grandmother was equally pleased. "Which is Mr. GLADSTONE?" asked the Old Lady. The Young Lady used her opera-glass. "I don't see him, " she returned slowly. "Of course he can't be ina turban. I know he has no whiskers or moustache--ah! there heis!--there, talking to Sir EDWARD LEIGHTON!" She hadn't got even theChristian names correct. I looked in the direction she had indicatedand saw Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT in close proximity to Sir RICHARD TEMPLE. But why should I turn and dispel the harmless illusion? Was it for meto bring discord into a family, and cause the Granddaughter to be cutout of the Grandmother's will? Never! So, "from information received, "the Old Lady went on implicitly believing in her informant, and treasuring up the particulars for the benefit of her otherGrandchildren. "Lord ROBERTS is somewhere here, " observed the YoungLady, sweeping the horizon (so to speak, with apologies to "thehorizon") with her _lorgnette_. "Oh, I should like to see _him_!"exclaimed the Old Lady, enthusiastically. "Where is he?" "Oh, I think--" replied the Granddaughter, hesitatingly, "I rather--think--I've only seen him once--but--oh yes, " she added, with wonderfulconfidence on finding she was commanding an interested audience ofsimple neighbours--"Oh yes--there--in a General's uniform, --he hasjust come in--and he is looking for his place, "--and, followingguidance, I, too, craned forward, and was rewarded by catching aglimpse of Mr. FREDERICK GORDON, Chairman of the Grand Hotels Co. , Limited, who was good enough to salute me with that air of consciouspower which becomes part and parcel of a man who has the command ofcountless battalions in waiting. Encouraged by this incident (for Ihad not rounded on her and said, "that is _not_ Lord ROBERTS") theYoung Lady urged on her mistaken career more wildly than ever. Shepointed out the wrong Princess MAY, the Duke of FIFE became H. R. H. The Duke of YORK, the TECKS were the MECKLENBURG-STRELITZES, theGentlemen-at-Arms were dismounted Chelsea Pensioners in Court dress;the Chinese ladies were Japanese (for they couldn't get even thesecorrect, --and of course these Orientals are most correct), andfinally, looking up to the gallery where the Orchestra was, shecrowned the edifice by loudly announcing that Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN wasSir ARTHUR BALFOUR, and added that he was only performing his officialduty as Leader of the House of Commons. "Then, " asked the simple OldLady, "are the musicians all obliged to be Members of Parliament?" HerGranddaughter was equal to the occasion, and answered unhesitatingly, "Yes, dear, _all_. " * * * * * [Illustration: "A Legal Conveyance. "] * * * * * After this, what was the show! Everybody was somebody else. Only theQUEEN and the PRINCE were beyond the power of error. She found themout at once. She was enthusiastic about the distinctness of thePRINCE's voice in reading the Address, and she bent forward so asnot to lose a syllable of the QUEEN's gracious reply. She explainedeverything wrong. A few ladies looked at her, mutely beseeching somerespite for their ears; would she only give herself ten minutes' rest?No--it was a great chance for the well-informed young woman, and shemade the most of it. Even the heat didn't affect her. Processionsmight come, and processions might go, but like the babbling brook, she could and would "go on for ever. " I have forgotten to add thatshe also knew how everyone arrived, and her Grandmother was muchinterested at hearing how Her Majesty's Judges all came in an omnibus, driven and conducted by eminent judicial functionaries. A grand show, "Abely worked by our Secretary, " says SirEarly-Springs-and-SOMERS VINE, C. M. G. , Assistant Secretary, and toboth of them great praise is due. Now, then, to adapt the title ofLord LYTTON's novel, "_What will we do with it?_" THE MAN WHO WENT. * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. In the _Song of the Sword and Other Verses_, Mr. HENLEY incidentallyasks, "What have I done for you, England, my England?" Since thequestion is put so pointedly, my Baronite, who has been lookingthrough the little volume of verse, is bound to reply that, what Mr. HENLEY has done for England is to make it as ridiculous as is possibleto a man with a limited audience. Mr. HENLEY has a pretty giftof versification, but it is spoiled by a wearisome proneness tosmartness, and an assumption of personal superiority that occasionallyreaches the heights of the ludicrous. If 'ARRY had been at theUniversity, and had bent what he calls his mind upon verse-making, some of the truculent rhyme in this book is the sort of stuff he wouldhave turned out. It seems at first hearing a far cry from 'ARRY toHENLEY. But the dispassionate reader, turning over these sulphurousleaves, will perceive deeply-rooted similarity in that narrowness ofview, and that undisturbed consciousness that it alone is right, whichdistinguish the reflections, and are found in the observations, of'ARRY when he views society from his lower standpoint. [Illustration: "Le Sabre de mon père!"] Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. Have published a _Book of Wise Sayings_, byW. A. CLOUSTON. Not that W. A. CLOUSTON said them all, or any ofthem, but he selected them. One fault has the Baron to find with theselecting collector, and that is that his references are incomplete. He affixes the name of the author to every wise saying, but as hedoes not give chapter and verse, it is impossible for the ordinaryunlearned reader to ascertain when and where the wise saying wasuttered. Perhaps this omission is wise on the part of Mr. CLOUSTON. However, here is a happy example for the time present:-- "Safe in thy breast close lock up thy intents, For he that knows thy purpose best prevents. "--_Randolph. _ Isn't that good? Isn't it "RANDOLPH" to the life? Is anyone quitecertain as to the course our RANDOLPH will take? There are, too, quotations from "R. CHAMBERLAIN"--not fromJOSEPH--with whose works the Baron is not so conversant as he mightbe. Saith R. CHAMBERLAIN:-- "A foolish man in wealth and authority is like a weak-timbered house with a too-ponderous roof. "--_R. Chamberlain. _ The Baron strongly recommends the study of this volume to Mr. OSCARWILDE; it will save him hours of painful cogitation during theincubation of his next play. THE BARON DE B. -W. & CO. * * * * * ANOTHER HOME-RULE QUESTION. --Ulster objects. Ulster threatens. If HomeRule becomes the law of the land, the Ulstermen will resist _vi etarmis_. Do they propose to set up an Opposition Sovereignty? If so, they have a monarch at hand with the very title to suit them. He isto be found at the Heralds' College, and he is the, _par excellence_, "Ulster King-at-Arms!" * * * * * STAGE WHISPER AT WESTMINSTER. --The Comedy of Committee now tendstowards becoming Mellor-drama. * * * * * "NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!" A PRETTY LITTLE SONG FOR PETTISH LITTLE EMPERORS. (_Latest TeutonicVersion of Mr. Joseph Tabrar's Popular Song. _) REICHSTAG [Illustration] [The German Emperor is reported to have said, "It was impossible for me to anticipate the rejection of the Army Bills, so fully did I rely upon the patriotism of the Imperial Diet to accept them unreservedly. A patriotic minority has been unable to prevail against the majority. . . . I was compelled to resort to a dissolution, and I look forward to the acceptance of the Bills by the new Reichstag. Should this expectation be again disappointed, I am determined to use every means in my power to achieve my purpose. "--_The Times. _] _Wilful Wilhelm sings_:-- You ask me why I do not smile; the reason you shall know; I had a disappointment huge a day or two ago; I asked my venerable Nurse to give me no more toys, But just a little Dog of War to bite the other boys. _Spoken. _ But oh! _Audience_ (_of Generals and Staff Officers_). What? Nana wouldn't give me that bow-wow Wow-wow! The Reichstag wouldn't grant me that bow-wow! Wow-wow! No; she denied me--flat. Now, what do you think of _that_? And I'd set my mind on that bow-wow-wow! Wow-wow-wow! Some years ago she did the same, the greedy bad old girl! But I've set my mind upon that dog, sharp teeth and coat a-curl. The other boys have got such tykes, and I should be a mug, If when they run to mastiffs I'm put off with a small pug. _Audience. _ Well? _Spoken. _ Well, I mean to make her give me that bow-wow! Wow-wow! I'll worry her until she buys that bow-wow! Wow-wow! I'll dissolve the Imperial Diet, And I never _will_ be quiet Until I get that bow-wow-wow! Wow-wow-wow! I always meant when I grew old to do just as I pleased, I'd have a dozen bow-wows then, and if the old Trot teased I'd shut her up, and everyone who backed her, like a shot; For no one who opposes Me _can_ be a pat-ri-ot! _Audience_. Why? _Spoken_. Because France has got ahead with _her_ bow-wow! Wow-wow! Russia makes me jealous with _her_ bow-wow! Wow-wow! And now it is _my_ turn To leave them well astern, And I _can't_ without that bow-wow-wow! Wow-wow-wow! I didn't shake old BIZZY off to take CAPRIVI up, To let my old Nurse thwart me in my longing for this pup. 'Tis true that I have other tykes, a pack of 'em indeed-- But what of that? I want one more, of this particular breed. _Audience. _ Well? _Spoken. _ Well, I will, whatever happens, have this bow-wow! Wow-wow! I'll have it very soon, if not just now-now! Wow-wow! My purpose I'll achieve, And the Reichstag never leave Until I get possession of that bow-wow-wow! Wow-wow-wow! * * * * * A QUESTION OF TITLE. --A recent speech by Mr. LOCKWOOD, Q. C. , M. P. , on the Art of Cross-Examination has been called "deliciously frank. "Henceforth, the genial Recorder of York is to be known as Mr. DELICIOUSLY FRANK LOCKWOOD. * * * * * A SOVEREIGN MAXIM. He who risks the answer Nay, When he asks he shall have MAY. * * * * * [Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST. WHEN PERCHED ON THE BACK SEAT OF A FRIEND'S DOG-CART; CAN TAKE NO PARTIN THE CONVERSATION, AND HAS TO DEVOTE HIMSELF TO STICKING ON!] * * * * * IN SHEFFIELD PARK. MONDAY, MAY 5, 1893. _First Match of the Australian Cricketers against Lord Sheffield'sEnglish Eleven. _ In Sheffield Park, in budding May! True English scene, true cricket day, A generous host, and glorious play! A date to mark! A well-fought match, the Cornstalks' first! A summer sun, a noble thirst! The Season's on us with a burst, In Sheffield Park! The wondrous veteran W. G. , At forty-five scores sixty-three! (At sixty-three GRACE may we see Score forty-five!) Pleasant once more to have a peep At those sharp eyes that never sleep, Those bear's-paws that know how to keep The game alive! Safe SHREWSBURY and giant GUNN At it once more! Oh Lords, what fun To see them drive, and cut, and run! A May-day lark For elderly and paunchy lads! Ah, Time his annual inches adds. _We_ cannot buckle on the pads In Sheffield Park! Yet genuine pleasure still 'twill yield To sit and watch, with noses peeled, CONINGHAM smite and GREGORY field. How's that, Sir! Hark! Thanks to GRACE, SHREWSBURY, and GUNN, LOCKWOOD and BRIGGS--what glorious fun!-- The first big match we've neatly won In Sheffield Park! Now for a wet after our roast! Lords no, there is no call to boast! But in Lord SHEFFIELD _what_ a host Cricketers mark! Who will forget that lovely day, 'Midst lovely scenery in mid-May, Who had the luck to watch the play In Sheffield Park! * * * * * (EXETER) HALL RIGHT. --It is reported on the highest authority thatPrince GEORGE has been recently engaged in May Meetings, and hasexpressed himself as having been extremely charmed and interested. * * * * * MORE POWER TO MISS COBBE! "You say that you've a sovereign way To end the placard pest; Oh, Mistress COBBE, reveal it, pray, And give my spirit rest!" "You're very green, that may be seen, " Th' aggressive dame did shout; "The way to kill a noxious Bill Is--just to throw it out. "Mid hills, in towns, --that's not so bad, -- And in the quiet lane, We let the advertising cad Tyrannically reign. "So in my walks I take a brush, Also a watering-can, And on the hideous foe I rush, And that's _my_ little plan! "Without compunction, without haste, Though passers-by may stare, I strip the paper from its paste, And leave the fragments there. " "_That_ plan, " I said, "I've never tried; It shows, no doubt, devotion; But is it legal?" She replied, "_I've not the slightest notion!_" * * * * * WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS. (_A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute. _) SCENE--_The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks. Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a place by some miraculous interposition. _ _Lament of Feeble Females. _ I _told_ you how it would be--not the_slightest_ use staying here!. . . _I_ can't see anything except alamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!. . . We might _just_ aswell have stopped at home! (_Viciously. _) Where all the people _come_from, _I_ don't know! I'm sure we were here early _enough_! _Comments by Feeble Males. _ No--not much to be seen where we are, certainly, but--um--I don't know that we're likely to do betteranywhere else. . . . Not the least good attempting to get in _there_. Well, we can _try_ lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same. They ought to arrange these things better! [_They drift on discontentedly. _ _The Self-Helper_ (_squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himselfpast the people who have been standing patiently there for hours_). By your leave--'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. Onemoment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere, " 'aven't I? I've as much rightas what _you_ 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to _you_, I suppose?You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, _you_ ought! Torkabout selfishness! [_He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough to be inconvenienced by his presence. _ _Contented People in the Crowd. _ Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere. They'll put their sunshades down when the QUEEN passes . . . I can ketcha view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under thetrees . . . Sha'n't have much longer to wait _now_. She'll be startingin another arf hour--(&c. , &c. ) _A Lady in a Landau_ (_to her husband_). I don't think we _could_ havedone better, Horace--we shall see everything; and it's quite amusingto be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks--_much_ nicer thanbeing in one of the Stands! [_Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in the highest animal spirits. _ _Joe_ (_first Humorous Artisan_). You shove in first, BILL--pushalong, JOE; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about_me_--I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds. [_He mounts on one ofthe front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp. _) I can seeproper where _I_ am. There's a lady fainted down there! _Bill_ (_the leading Buffoon of the Party_). I wonder if she's got anymoney. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er! _Joe. _ She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up--they'restandin' 'er on 'er 'ed! _The Lady in the Landau_ (_in an undertone_). HORACE, we can't havethis horrible man here--do make him get down! _Horace_ (_to Joe_). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd bemore comfortable somewhere else?--that wheel is--er--not exactly theplace---- _Joe. _ No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out _my_ brawmto-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and---- _Bill. _ Why, don't yer _see_, JOE?--the lady's put 'er 'usband up toinvitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!--it all comes o' bein sogood lookin'--but take care what yer about, or your missus may come byand ketch yer--which'll be unpleasant for all parties! _Joe_ (_to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability_). It's very'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well whereI am--if I _should_ want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (_To_BILL. ) I can't think what they all _see_ in me. _I_ don't encourage'em! _The Lady_ (_in a rapid whisper_). No, HORACE, for goodness sake_don't_--you'll only make them worse--we must put up with it. (_Theydo. _) _Bill_ (_affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road_). 'Ullo, if there ain't little ALEXANDER! I knoo _'e'd_ be 'ere. Whatcher, ALEC, ole pal? _Joe_ (_playing up to him_). Ah, and there goes JACK GAYNER! You canspot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass. _Bill. _ That's ole JACK all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out--noton a day like this--without a _eyeglass_, JACK wouldn't. If it 'ad ha'bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad _two_, to see 'is way 'ome by. (_Agorgeous official passes on horseback. _) There y'ar--there's DAN LENO. Way oh, DANNY! _Dick. _ It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' tokeep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get'alf a pint afore I go 'ome! _Bill_ (_sentimentally_). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she'scausin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there?If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deedagainst _'im_, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter_I'd_ done with him! [_By this time the two have secured a delighted audience--of which they are fully conscious. _ _Joe. _ Time 's very near up. 'ER MAJESTY ain't 'urryin 'erself. _Bill_ (_magnanimously_). Never mind. Now I _am_ 'ere, I'll stop _'Er_time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' tothe success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face! _Joe_ (_with the candour of intimacy_). She won't see enough o' yoursto _forgit_, ole feller--you ain't used _much_ o' Pears' Soap thismornin', you ain't! _Bill_ (_in nowise pained by this personality--which is only too wellfounded_). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to gitit all orf o' _me_! (_There is a stir in the crowd; a MountedPolice-sergeant trots past_). There's somethink up _now_. They'recomin'. I _will_ 'oller when the QUEEN passes. She's costed me a dealalready, but she ain't got _all_ the money. I got three 'apence of itin my pocket--though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out inpots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laidon 'ot _and_ cold all over the premises--why, it don't go so bloomin'fur, and don't you forgit it! _Dick. _ 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain'tthey? _Bill_ (_philosophically_). Ah, and when they done their time, themfellers 'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'--anythinkto gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see thepeople wavin' their 'ankerchiefs--them that's got em. _I_ want to wavesomethink--'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer. [_An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform. _ _Dick. _ 'Oo'll _that_ lot be? _Bill. _ Why, that's the Markiss o' BRICKDUST--don't yer know _'im_?And the one in front is the Dook o' DRIPPIN'. Look at 'im a larfin. Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them. _The Crowd. _ That is the Dook o' CAMBRIDGE. No, it ain't--that was 'imin the fust kerridge. Go on--that was the EDINGBOROS!. . . Why, Itell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess MAY! Which?'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' _now_--she's gone by long ago. Well, I _am_ glad I 've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't--they're Canadians. Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on?Forriners o' _some_ sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Herecome the creams. _Now_ we shall see 'Er! _Bill_ (_with enthusiasm_). Brayvo! SANGER'S ain't in it! 'Ooray, 'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? Icaught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow--'cos we ain't on thoseterms--but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, BILL, olefeller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" _Quite_ forgittin' shenever sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's _lots_ to thinkabout! _Joe_ (_to the occupants of the Landau_). You'll excuse me leavin' yerfor a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see'em return--if yer won't mind keepin' my place. [_Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation. _ _The Crowd_ (_breaking up_). Oh, I see it beautiful! She _did_ lookpleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at thePercession. . . . Come along, that's all there is to be seen. . . . Where'sthat silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree;he wants more lookin' after than any--oh, _'ere_ you are! Well, youshould ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It_was_ a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome--'tain't _often_ I comeout without it--and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us_all_ good! _A Loyal Old Lady. _ Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ulldo good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonadecans sold out a'ready! * * * * * HOW'S THAT FOR--HIGH-TEA? [A learned Judge is recently reported to have anxiously inquired the meaning of "high-tea. "] His Lordship looked puzzled. He ransacked his brain; His once beaming brow was contracted with pain. Till my Lord stopped the Counsel, in saying, "Let's see, Before you proceed, what is meant by 'high-tea'? "I was called to the Bar such a long time ago! But I flatter myself that I've learnt now to know All the ropes pretty well, yet completely at sea I confess that I am with this curious 'high-tea. ' "Now I own that I know an Oxonian 'wine, ' Though a 'cocoa' at Newnham is more in my line, Whilst dinner and lunch are familiar to me. So is supper. But what--tell me, _what_ is 'high-tea'?" The Counsel explained in his very best style, (Though he often indulged, on the sly, in a smile, ) And the Judge was as eager as eager could be To learn all the rites that belong to "high-tea. " But the sequel to all was a square little note Next day from a blue-blooded Duchess who wrote To the Judge, and this Dame of the highest degree Had invited his Lordship to come to--HIGH-TEA! * * * * * DIARY OF A "H. D. " (_At the Service of the Departmental Committee on the Treatment ofInebriates. _) _Monday. _--I am afraid that I can no longer resist the temptation toreturn to my customary diet. This morning my breakfast was spoiled byfinding that the _pièce de résistance_ was corked. And this when Ipay 96_s. _ a dozen, and the vintage is 1884! However, it could notbe helped, and I managed to exist until lunch. Then came anotherdisappointment. I had purposely ordered a light repast, as I had notmuch appetite. But I did intend to take it with soda-water--notneat. At dinner I managed to get through a biscuit, and as it was"devilled, " it gave me renewed relish for the morning's champagne. This time the bottles were in excellent condition, and I quite forgotthat earlier in the day one of them had been corked. All in thehalf-dozen were in perfect condition--especially the last magnum. I donot know how I got to bed. _Tuesday. _--When I find that I have not removed my boots overnight, Iknow that I require a pick-me-up. A friend joined me at breakfast, andwe both thought the champagne excellent. My friend BROWN, or perhapsit was JONES, and now I come to think of it, it may have beenROBINSON. And yet, when I consider the matter, there may have beenthree of them. I tried to count them, and it took me half the morning. Well, BROWN, or whoever he was, is a very good fellow. Most amusing, and an excellent audience. He laughs at everything. Whether youmean it to be funny or not, he laughs. I like him as a brother. Athoroughly good fellow. We had a most interesting discussion about theright pronunciation of Constitution. He said it was in two syllables. I said it was in one. I think I was right. We had a long chat about itafter dinner. First we talked about it over the port, and then underthe table. I don't know how I managed to get home, but I have a firmbelief that it was all right--quite all right. _Wednesday. _--Found my boots again on my feet when recoveringconsciousness. So this is the second time I must have slept in them. I feel excessively melancholy. I have wept very much, and were itnot for the supporting-powers of whiskey, I am sure I should he muchworse. However, there is only one thing to be done--to keep at it. Onebottle down, another come on. I have floored no end of a lot ofthem. Strange to say that I am now happy after all my sorrow of thismorning. Everything is right but the lamp-posts. They are all wrong. Getting in my way on my road home. I feel awfully tired. However, seems to be my duty to interfere in a street-row. _Thursday. _--It appears I had an altercation with the police lastnight. I am free, but sorrowful. I really must put myselfunder restraint. I feel almost certain that I have given way tointemperance. On appealing to BROWN (or whoever he is), he says I havebeen as drunk as a fly for ages. This hurts me very much. Only thingto do is to retire into a retreat. Have, with the assistance of BROWN(or whoever he is), drawn up the application. It looks right enough. And, as this is my last chance for some time to come, I and BROWN (orwhoever he is) are going to make a night of it. _Friday. _--Boots again! BROWN (or whoever he is) called with twodoctors. I said I couldn't be bothered with them. BROWN (or whoever heis) said I must. So I saw them. They say that the Act requires that Imust understand what I am doing. All right--going into retreat. Word"retreat" should be pronounced as one syllable. All right, they havemade the statutory declaration. _Saturday. _--Here I am. Charming place, away from drink, and ought todo well for the next fortnight. Can't remember how long I promised tostay, but know it was for some considerable time. I have just seenthe Superintendent. He says he is very sorry, but I cannot stayany longer. This, in spite of it appearing that I have signed anapplication undertaking to remain for life. Can't make it out. Rathervague about what I have been doing during the week, but know I wantedto cure myself from habitual inebriety. Superintendent says he mustturn me out under the statute. Appears that I signed the applicationfor admission when I was not absolutely sober. Can't be helped. Out Igo. Well, there are worse things in the world than whiskey and port. Ihave a notion that I am booked for another night in my boots! * * * * * [Illustration: NOTE AND QUERY. _Small Boy_ (_to Companion_). "I SAY, BILL, WHICH O' THESE TWO'S TAKENTHE PRIZE?"] * * * * * THE RECENTLY-ELECTED R. A. 'S. The pictures these talented gentlemen show Monotonous never appear; Waves, woods, and (say) Wenice, MACWHIRTER & Co. Depict for us year after year. WOODS always paints Venice, the place that brought forth A Moor, but MOORE'S chattels and goods Are seas, not calm south ones, but those of the north, Whilst NORTH and MACWHIRTER paint woods. * * * * * A DEBT OF HONOUR. --Will the verse described as _Ode_ by Mr. WILLIAMMORRIS be paid with the Poet Laureateship? * * * * * [Illustration: WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO. _She. _ "I DON'T SEE _MY_ CHEQUE ANYWHERE!" _He. _ "A--CAN I HELP YOU? WHAT NAME?" _She. _ "OH--WELL--MINE IS HARDLY A CHEQUE. A--IT'S A POSTAL ORDER, YOUKNOW, FOR FIFTEEN SHILLINGS!"] * * * * * OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. _Mr. Punch, meeting Columbia at the World's Fair, thus greetethher:--_ COLUMBIA by Lake Michigan A treasure-dome did late decree; And all the world, in summer, ran, In numbers measureless by man, The Wondrous Show to see! There many miles of fertile ground With walls and towers were girdled round: And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills Surrounding halls of vast machinery. And all earth's products, from fine arts to pills, Massed in that maze by that great inland sea. Fast, from that deep romantic chasm which slanted Through Colorado, the Grand Cañon; over Yellowstone's marvel--teeming miles enchanted; Far-sweeping prairies erst by redskins haunted; Steaming and railing, like bee-swarms to clover, The world-crowd swept, with ceaseless turmoil seething; It seemed the earth in eager pants was breathing In a great race to see who should be first Into that many-acred Show to burst, And conquering COLUMBIA there to hail Creation-licker on colossal scale. By Michigan's large lake, once and for ever, Surpassing other Shows, in park, by river, O'er miles meandering, this last Yankee Notion Through wood and meadow like a river ran, Vast Exposition of the Arts of Man! Hyde Park compared therewith stirred small emotion, And proud COLUMBIA, waving Stripes and Stars, Cried, "The White City whips the Champ de Mars!" The shadow of that dome of treasure Floated midway on the wave. (See CASTAIGNE'S drawings--they're a pleasure-- In the May _Century_ pictured brave. ) It was a miracle of rare device, Costing "a pile, " but cheap at any price! A damsel with a five-stringed "Jo" In a vision once I saw; It was an Alabama maid, And on her banjo light she played, Singing of sweet Su-san-nah! Could I revive within me Amphion's lyric song, To such a deep delight 'twould win me As the music loud and long That sure did raise this dome in air, That mighty dome!--those halls of price! COLUMBIA'S magic set them there, And all who see cry, "Rare! O rare! This beats great KUBLA KHAN'S device! Chicago outsoars Xanadu! COLUMBIA'S World's Fair here on view Eclipses SHEDAD'S Paradise!" There, Madam! _The_ British Ambassador, _Punch_, Has borrowed the lyre of the Opium-eater To praise your unparalleled feat! By his hunch 'Twould tax that great master of magic and metre To do it full justice. To paint such a vision The limner need call on the aid of the Poppy. It is a Big Blend of the Truly Elysian, And (you'll comprehend!) the Colossally Shoppy! Mix HAROUN ALRASCHID with Mr. MCKINLEY, And Yellowstone Park with a Persian Bazaar, And _then_ the _ensemble_ is sketched in but thinly. For brush and for pen 'tis too mighty by far. The fragment of COLERIDGE hinted at wonders His Dream might have shown, had it ever been finished. COLUMBIA, I bear o'er the ocean that sunders But cannot un-kin us, the love undiminished Of all whom I speak for--that's England all over-- Here's luck, in a bumper, to you and your Show! Ambassador _Punch_, your Admirer and Lover, Believes the World's Fair will turn out a Great Go! * * * * * MUSIC IN MAY. --Albert Hall gave a good Concert last Wednesday night. C. V. STANFORD'S "_East to West_, " libretto by Poet SWINBURNE, iscleverish. To encores Sir JOSEPH BARNBY says, as a rule, "Not forSir JOSEPH. " Quite right. Miss PALLISER, known as Miss BUCKINGHAMPALLISER, because she sang at a Court Concert, charming; and Mr. E. J. LLOYD as _The Old Obadiah_, excellent. Chorus, like the weather, veryfine; Orchestra set fair, or fair set. Hall full, but, now and again, it's a Hall-full place for sound. * * * * * [Illustration: OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. MR. PUNCH (_to_ COLUMBIA), "CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR!--QUITE 'THEBIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH'!!!"] * * * * * ANILINE. (_After Tennyson's "Adeline. "_) All around one daily sees Dreadful dyes of Aniline. Worn by women fat and thin, Bonnet, bodice, back and breast. One can hardly call thee fair, With thy fierce magenta glare, With thy green, the green of peas, Violet, and all the rest. What appalling tints are thine, Showy, glowy Aniline! Whence did modern women get Such a gorgeous array? Dear to 'ARRY'S 'ARRIET On a 'appy 'oliday, 'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath, From the 'ill to 'im beneath. Also dear to girls who sell Flowers in the London street, They have always loved thee well In their frocks and feathers neat. Why revive those tints of thine, Antiquated Aniline? Thou hast almost made us blind Under England's cloudless skies; Low-toned tints of Orient, Such as Turkish rugs adorn, Would be better for our eyes-- Now upon the pavement bent Since such blazers have been worn. Say, has Paris sent to us Dyes so dreadfully defined? Do the tyrant _modistes_ bring Colours so calamitous, Mixed in ways more fearful still, In this strangely sunny spring? Oh, before thou mak'st us ill, Take away that glare of thine, Unæsthetic Aniline! * * * * * [Illustration: KINDLY MEANT. _Mr. Macmonnies_ (_an old Friend_). "WELL, LOOK HERE, OLD MAN, I'LLTELL YOU WHAT REALLY BROUGHT ME HERE TO-DAY. THE FACT IS MY WIFE WANTSHER MOTHER PAINTED VERY BADLY--AND I NATURALLY THOUGHT OF YOU!"] * * * * * SALE OF THE CLIFDEN AND HIGH PRICE PICTURES. --"The Wife of Burgomaster Six" went for over £7000. This wife ofBurgomaster Half-a-dozen was a marvellous specimen of a woman. TheBurgomaster was so faithful a husband that "Six to One" has long sincebecome a homely proverb. * * * * * A USEFUL TOOLE. --_Mr. Punch_ was much surprised one day last week tosee on the evening newspaper placards:-- TOOLE IN THE BOX. A LUCKY DOG. Was "the Box" a new piece to be put on at the distant period when_Walker, London_, fails to attract? No! The hero of _Homburg_ had onlybeen helping in the _Lucky Dog_ Fight--merely a case of _Verbum Sapteet Alport_, or a Word for SAPTE and ALPORT. * * * * * THE SHORTEST PASSAGE ON RECORD. --Aberdeen to Canada at a pen-stroke. * * * * * SIC ITUR AD--ASTOR! [The American Millionnaire has purchased Cliveden. ] RULE, BRITANNIA! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard That stout patriot strain--which may now sound absurd "_Yankee Doodle_" indeed might more fittingly ring "In Cliveden's proud alcove, " which POPE stooped to sing. O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine! Those fair hanging woods, BULL, no longer are thine. Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea-- Shall sentiment challenge _thy_ claims, L. S. D. ? Our pictures may go without serious plaint-- What are the best pictures but canvas and paint? Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick. When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick? Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear, And want them--for cash--as preserves for their deer. Down, down with mere pride--so they're down with the dust! Mammon's word is the great categorical Must! The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King! Sell, sell _anyone_ who'll bid _high--anything_. What offers for--London? Who bids for--the Thames? Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns? Cash rules. For the Dollar-King BULL shies his castor. Buy! Buy! That's the cry, JOHN. _Sic itur ad_--ASTOR! * * * * * BOOKED AT THE LYCEUM BOX-OFFICE. --Four nights a week _Becket_ isgiven. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentlemansaid to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls. " _The Clerk. _"_For Becket?_" "No, " returned the simple one; "for _me_. " * * * * * SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. DEAR MR. PUNCH, --From a communication to one of the daily papers, itappears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works ofHENDRIK IBSEN (perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but whoagree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of themodern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a seriesof twelve performances, at which three of IBSEN'S plays will bepresented. " This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantorreceiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value ofhis subscription, " as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and nomillionnaire seems inclined to endow one. " This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after thefirst few performances there may be a goodly number of untenantedseats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. Itwould scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audienceto be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselvesjustice, and the plays of HENDRIK IBSEN will suffer in consequence. I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon theattendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Underthe circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act ofParliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thievesand other dishonest characters should not have a portion of theirsentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSENperformances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers theexpense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested wouldalso be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at arepresentation of one of IBSEN'S plays, I venture to believe theywould find nothing worth stealing. A PRACTICAL MAN. * * * * * [Illustration: WASTED IRONY. "WHO'S THAT DOWN-STAIRS, JANE?"--"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, MA'AM. " "BUT YOU HAD SOME FRIENDS YESTERDAY, JANE!"--"YES, MA'AM. " "AND ON MONDAY NIGHT!"--"YES, MA'AM. " "DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A REGULAR DAY AT HOME EACHWEEK?"--"THANK YOU, MA'AM! THAT WILL BE VERY NICE!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. _House of Commons, May 8. _--"What a day we are having, to be sure!"said CHAMBERLAIN, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Thingscertainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee onHome-Rule Bill; CHARLIE (my DARLING) was to have opened Debate withAmendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequentlyexplained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feelingof diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on partof Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service ofCHAMBERLAIN, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendmentwhilst DARLING was recovering. No diffidence about JOSEPH. As he observed in stormiest epoch ofsitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowanceof vinegar and pepper, " SQUIRE of MALWOOD added, in one of thoseasides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well therewas someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, involcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as SAUNDERSON put it, withsome mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept thepot a-boiling. " Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, JOSEPHsure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir upsome slumbering lion with long pole. "Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, TOBY?" saidPLUNKET. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before youwent into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now overidea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's _Mr. Punch_in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, GRANDOLPH'S, or someone else's;down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposesthat Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, whensuddenly up springs JOEY, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everythingagain. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings inobstruction of Home-Rule Bill. " After dinner SOLICITOR-GENERAL discovered seated on Treasury Bench. Agreat thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr. G. Spoke, and JOHN MORLEY moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfythem save speech from RIGBY. Pauses in conversation were filled bycries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, butstill unspeakably wise. DARLING'S Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. GRANDOLPHrushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hoursmore before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, shouting, and scenes. GRANDOLPH'S motion to Report Progress beingnegatived on division. PRINCE ARTHUR moved that Chairman leave theChair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock, without chance of doing more work. "I feel twelve years younger, " said GRANDOLPH, coming in from lastdivision. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we satbelow Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions, me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, WOLFFY, GORST, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, PRINCE ARTHUR movedthat Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into hisprincedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. Afterall, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we canhave the same old game. " _Business done. _--Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill. _Thursday. _--Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliamentelected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excludingChairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quietenough till CHAMBERLAIN appeared on scene, then followed the ordinarycool-cucumbery results. TIM HEALY torn with anxiety that JOSEPH shouldlimit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangularduel; JOSEPH at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; TIM incorresponding position opposite; MELLOR in (and out of) Chair; allthree on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in generaldesire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. TIM fired furiouslyat JOSEPH; JOSEPH answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged awayalternately at both. [Illustration: HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens "Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show. ] Then GRANDOLPH, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move, "he said, "that the words be taken down. " Very well; quite so; butwhat words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters atLodore. Which particular ones would GRANDOLPH like taken down? Turnedout that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had notbeen uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'Youare knocked up. '" So GRANDOLPH solemnly declared, standing at table. Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches belowGangway, CHAMBERLAIN took opportunity of looking over his notes, andChairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, TIM HEALY sata model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance, had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of MACARTNEYand JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. What TIM felt most acutely was, not beingthus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that GRANDOLPH, for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he _had_an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one sofrivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "Youare knocked up, " might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be afriendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if utteredat all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. TIM sat indeep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely. Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; MELLORup and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; SWIFT MACNEILLshouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain;JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; MACARTNEY sayingsomething; TOMMY BOWLES, not to be out of it, moving that somebodyelse's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm, Chairman adroitly signalled to CHAMBERLAIN, who continued his speech. Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interpositionto take their breath. [Illustration: _Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary theIrish word for "a House of Commons, " obliges:--_ In Irish, I will sing it clear, There's a name for the House which you shall hear. (_Spoken_) Which is (_Sings_) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral Ri-az tolooral ri do! [_Chorus everybody. _] "Do you know, TOBY, what this reminds me of?" said Earl SPENCER, looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me backto boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absenceof head-master, French usher took charge of the school. " J. G. LAWSON, on spending time in Library, looking up native namefor proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to becalled when BRIAN was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it. TIM HEALY says, as far as he can make out, LAWSON is speaking Welsh;it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. MELLOR says he'squite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attemptthe Irish. LAWSON withdraws, using awful language, which he insists isIrish. It sounds even worse. _Business done. _--Blusterous. * * * * * [Illustration: OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. (_Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room. _)] * * * * * _Saturday Morning. _--Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill. Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done, which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lyingabout in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regularexplosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with PRINCEARTHUR'S last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; foundtall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised RAIKES. Couldn'tbe RAIKES, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figureunmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking himquestion. "What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course, that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for manysessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I shouldsay, the most difficult post in House; far more so than SPEAKER'S. SPEAKER is robed about with authority that does not pertain toChairman. Observations which, addressed to SPEAKER, would be flatblasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merelycholeric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretchesof sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on, SPEAKERof judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion, strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caught_flagrante asleepoh_. MACKWORTH PRAED was Member of the House then;made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it? Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; it's surely fair, If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair; Longer and longer still they grow, Tory and Radical, Aye and No Talking by night, and talking by day. Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; sleep, sleep, while you may. [Illustration: Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor andHis Men. "] "Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under hisjurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making when SPEAKERin Chair. Any moment out of depths of dulness may suddenly rise awhirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially inconnection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is instate of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forgetall this when you criticise MELLOR, still new to place. He's a goodfellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fightagainst proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in theChair. COURTNEY knew that, and successfully overcame his naturaltendencies. MELLOR too anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Aboveall, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knottypoint, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it bevery serious, _he should stick to it_. For Chairman of Committees, better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, thanto wriggle into the right at its expense. MELLOR should be moremonosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing withdisorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but, being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if hecould only name CHAMBERLAIN. That would be difficult, I know, for JOEYC. Is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin with JEMMY LOWTHER, whogives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bellringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adoptedthe Early Closing Movement. " Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Stillfact seems to run on all fours with what I remember RAIKES talking ofjust now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run onall fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote. _Business done. _--Clause I. Agreed to. * * * * * TO THE WOOLSACK. Sincere congratulations for Our conscience-keeping Chancellor. Whom lawyers know as HERSCHELL, C. Is now Lord HERSCHELL, G. C. B. * * * * * AN ADDITION TO THE CALENDAR. --Sir SOMERS VINE, in recognition of hisservices in connection with the Imperial Institute, has been appointeda Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And why not? He will befound excellent company. * * * * * Transcriber's Note: Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. Page 240: 'dulness' is correct-- from Oxford Online Dictionary: dull . . . — DERIVATIVES dullness (also dulness).