PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 104. 

APRIL 8, 1893. 

Edited by Sir Francis Burnand

SPORTING ANSWERS. 

ANGLING. 

FLEACATCHER. --Yes, the trout in the river Itching (this is the onlycorrect spelling) are red, and, before they are boiled, raw. The bestmethod of catching them is to tickle them. When you have hooked anItching trout, you first scratch him, and then cook him. 

NOVICE. --We only knew one man who could make a decent rod, and he diedtwenty years ago. Remember the old adage so dear to IZAAK, _Qui parcitvirgæ spoliat puerum_. For instructions as to use of implement, andtranslation of Latin, apply to any head-master. Failure in the latterwill inevitably lead to application of the former. Then pause forreflection, but _don't sit down_. 

SPOOK. --What on earth is the use of applying to us about a phantom?We never keep one on the premises. Try personal interview with W. T. STEAD, who has a fine selection, JULIA being specially effective. Whydo you ask if we generally spin? Not having been born a top, we preferwalking. 

CONTEMPLATIVE. --(1) It's absolutely useless offering us these paltryinducements to betray the secrets of our skill. We are--we hope we maysay it without undue pride--an All-Round Angler, and we are not goingto be squared by a bait of that kind. (2) We have never pretended wewere a salmon. If ANDREW LANG says we have, we challenge him to repeatit to our face before witnesses. (3) Whitebait are no longer kept inthe Round Pond at Kensington. We knew as many as four there ten yearsago. 

CALIPEE. --You are quite right. When a ship turns turtle the fact isinstantly communicated to the Lord Mayor and Aldermen of the City ofLondon. They proceed to the spot in the _Maria Wood_, and the onewho secures the interesting saurian is allowed to eat all the greenfat. With you we hope devoutly that the time is far distant when thedesecrating hand of a Socialistic Government will be allowed to lay afinger on these ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers' Company donot sell fish. Their motto is, _Edo, non vendo_. 

 * * * * *

ACTON EST. --_The Cornhill Magazine_ for this month has an interestingarticle on "Actors and Actresses in Westminster Abbey, " not seen theremuch when alive, but there for good after their decease. It is statedof Mrs. BARRY that she was not interred in the Abbey, as has been, it appears, generally supposed, but found her resting-place at Acton. Odd, that when she had ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on!

 * * * * *

[Illustration: "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS, " &c. 

_Muriel. _ "MAMMA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THE CARRIAGE OUT FOR SO LATE?WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING?"

_Mrs. Goldie. _ "NOW, MURIEL, YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER KEEPS WORRYINGABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE, AND OF COURSE I MUST SET AN EXAMPLE. SO I'M GOINGTO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO SEE THE EVENING PAPER!"]

 * * * * *

THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST. (_To the Champion, by a DiscouragedCompetitor. _)

 Break, break, break, On the smooth green board, O JOHN! And I would civil words could utter My thoughts, as the game goes on!

 O well for the three-figure runs You have made since we opened play! O ill for my nine thousand start, Which you're lessening day by day!

 And the marvellous shots go on To your score, which is mounting still! But O for a touch of that wondrous hand, And a slice of that startling skill!

 Break, break, break! _There's_ a shot! Great Scott! O, see! What tender grace! And if once ahead You will never "come back" to me!

 * * * * *

 "EPSOM SPRING MEETING. "--In former times this used to be a fashionable rendezvous for invalids who went there to drink the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring. Now there is not much water taken at these Spring Meetings; and what water is taken is not "an unmixed good. "

 * * * * *

 A LESSON IN "BOOK-KEEPING. "--Never lend one. 

 * * * * *

AFTER THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW. 

SCENE--_An Office. _ BROWN _and_ JONES _discovered talking over theincidents of the recent holiday. _

_Brown. _ Yes; I was up at six on the Monday. 

_Jones. _ Well, you were in luck; for I had to be ready by four. Thebattalion had to be drawn up at the station by 4. 45. 

_Brown. _ To be sure. You went down before we did. 

_Jones. _ Yes. I wish we had got some coffee before starting. 

_Brown. _ But you had your breakfast on your arrival, didn't you?

_Jones. _ Yes, to be sure; but as we were a bit late, it was rather ascramble. 

_Brown. _ Well, of course one has to get on to parade as soon aspossible. We cut it rather fine too. But that's the case with all ofus. 

_Jones. _ To be sure; and if you lose time at one end, you must make upfor it at the other--that stands to reason. And how did you get on?

_Brown. _ First rate. We were on the march from nine to five. 

_Jones. _ So were we; and didn't have time scarcely to get to ourhavresacks. 

_Brown. _ Just our fortune. Always on the move. I wore out my leathersin fine style. 

_Jones. _ So did I. And then we had to go back to the train before wecould get any dinner. 

_Brown. _ My fate too. And, when I got home, the slavey had forgottento lay supper!

_Jones. _ So had mine. But still it was a glorious holiday--now, wasn'tit?

_Brown. _ I should say it was! A glorious holiday!

[_They return to their ledgers. _

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QUEER QUERIES. 

ABSCONDRELISM. --I belong to a Building Society. At present the concernis exceptionally prosperous, and I have no reason to suppose that theDirectors and Manager are not scrupulously honest. Still, it is aswell to be prepared for all eventualities, and, as a couple of yearsseems to be about the time required by the authorities before they canmake up their minds to prosecute anybody, I should like to know ifI could apply for a warrant against the officials of my Society _atonce_, so as to have everything ready in case any of them shoulddevelop fraudulent tendencies a few years hence? Would there be anyobjection to this? Perhaps some legal reader would reply. Also, is ita fact that Messrs. BALBERT AND HURLFOUR have started a model Colony, on entirely new and philanthropic lines, in Mexico, and are invitingEnglish settlers (unconnected with the "Liberator" Society) to jointhem there, the prospectus of the scheme being headed:--"By kindpermission of the Public Prosecutor"?--PROPHYLACTIC. 

 * * * * *

HER "DAY OF REST. "

(_The Song of the Shop-Girl. _)

[Illustration: ["As one poor shop-girl said:--'After the fatigue andworry of the week, I am so thoroughly worn out, that my only thoughtis to rest on a Sunday; but it goes too quickly, and the other daysdrag on so slowly!'"--_Quoted by Sir John Lubbock in the recent Debateon Early Closing for Shops. _]]

 Eight o'clock strikes! The short day's sped, -- My Day of Rest! That beating in my head Hammers on still, like coffin-taps. He likes, Our lynx-eyed chief, to see us brisk and trim On Monday mornings; and though brains may swim, And breasts sink sickeningly with nameless pain, _He_ cannot feel the faintness and the strain, And what are they to him?

 This morning's sun peeped in Invitingly, as though to win My footsteps fieldwards, just one day in seven! The thought of hedgerows was like opening heaven, And the stray sunray's gleam, Threading the dingy blind, Seemed part of a sweet dream, For in our sleep the Fates _are_ sometimes kind. "Come out!" it said, "but not with weary tread, And feet of lead, The long, mud-cumbered, cold, accustomed way, For the great Shop is shuttered close to-day, And you awhile are free!" _Free?_ With a chain of iron upon my heart, That drags me down, and makes the salt tears start!

 Oh, that inexorable weariness That through the enfeebled flesh lays crushing stress On the young spirit! Young? There is no youth For such as I. It dies, in very truth, At the first touch of the taskmaster's hand. A doctrine hard for you to understand, Gay sisters of the primrose path, Whose only chain is as a flowery band. The toil that outstays nature hath A palsying power, a chilling force Which freezes youth at its fresh source. Only the Comus wand Of an unhallowed Pleasure offers such Freedom, and with pollution in its touch. 

 The languid lift Of head from pillow tells us the good gift Of Sabbath rest is more than half in vain. Tired! Tired! In flesh, bone, brain, Heart, fancy, pulse, and nerve! Such is our doom who stand and serve The unrewarding public, thoughtless they Of slaves whose souls they slay!

 Oh, that long standing--standing--standing yet! With the flesh sick, the inmost soul a-fret, Pale, pulseless patiences, our very sex, That should be a protection, one more load To lade, and chafe, and vex. No tired ox urged to tramping by the goad Feels a more mutely-maddening weariness Than we white, black-garbed spectral girls who stand Stonily smiling on while ladies grand, Easily seated, idly turn and toss The samples; and our Watcher, 'neath the gloss Of courtly smugness glaring menace, stalks About us, creaking cruelty as he walks. 

 Stand! Stand! Still stand! Clenched teeth and clutching hand, Swift blanching cheek, and twitching muscle, tell To those who know, what _we_ know all too well, Ignored by Fashion, coldly mocked by Trade. Are we not for the sacrifice arrayed In dainty vesture? Pretty, too, they say Male babblers, whom our sufferings and poor pay Might shock, could they but guess Trim figure and smart dress Cover and hide, from all but doctor-ken, Disease and threatening death. Oh! men, men, men! You bow, smile, flatter--aught but _understand_! Long hours lay lethal hand Upon our very vitals. Seats might save From an untimely grave, Hundreds of harried, inly anguished girls; _You_ see--their snow-girt throats and neatly-ordered curls!

 Out to the green fields? Nay, This all too fleeting day To rest is dedicate. But not the rest Of brightened spirit, and of lightened breast. The dull, dead, half-inanimate leaden crouch Of sheer exhaustion on this shabby couch Is all my week's repose. Read? But the tired eyes close, The book from nerveless fingers drops; Almost the slow heart stops. But the clock halts not on its restless round. Weariness shudders at the whirring sound, As the sharp strike declares Swift to its closing wears One more of those brief interludes from toil Which leave us still the labour-despot's spoil, Slaves of long hours and unrelaxing strain, Unstrengthened and unsolaced, soon again To tread the round, and lift the lengthening chain; _Stand_--till hysteria lays its hideous clutch On our girl-hearts, or epilepsy's touch Thrills through tired nerves and palsied brain. Again--again--again! _How long?_ Till Death, upon its kindly quest, Gives a true Day of Rest!

 * * * * *

EASTER MANOEUVRES. 

[Illustration: BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE!

(A "SAFETY" TOO!!)

_This incident repeated itself to infinity from the East End toHammersmith and back!!_]

 * * * * *

ROYAL REWARDS TO GOOD PLAYERS. --"As a sequel to the performance of_Becket_ at Windsor, Mr. IRVING"--as we were informed by the _DailyNews_--"was presented by the QUEEN with a stud. " What will he do withthe stud? Will he take to the turf, go racing, and keep the stud atsome Newmarket training-stables? Perhaps "the stud" consisted of fifty"ponies"--but this is a purse-an'-all matter, into which we are notat liberty to inquire. Miss ELLEN TERRY received a brooch from HERMAJESTY, on which are the letters "V. R. I. " Our 'ARRY says theseinitials signify "_Ve Are 'I_ghly pleased. " Or, taking the twopresents together, as speaking, V. R. I, might mean, says 'ARRY, "_VeR-Ived safely. _"

 * * * * *

LION AND LAMB. 

 ["I think that when we consider an Opposition, in which Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN pacifically sit down--or lie down, together, we need not, ourselves, feel very sensitive on the subject of homogeneity. "--_Mr. Gladstone at the F. O. Liberal Meeting. _]

 Solly had a little Lamb, From Brummagem you know! And wheresoever SOLLY went That Lamb was bound to go. The Lion and the Lamb in fact! And what could be more jolly? Yet some _do_ whisper that--sometimes-- The Lamb seems leading SOLLY. 

 * * * * *

"WHAT HO, APOTHECARY!"--Last week the Earl of BESSBOROUGH wasannounced as having arrived at Bessborough, Pilltown, Ireland. Whatan appropriate spot for erecting an Irish Apothecaries' Hall! What isLord BESSBOROUGH'S family name? Is it The O'COCKLE?

 * * * * *

THE AUTHOR. 

 It lay on the book-stall for sale, But no one to purchase seemed willing, The ticket was "Humorous Tale, Two-and-sixpence--reduced to a shilling. "

 But the humour was lost upon me. And the jest fell uncommonly flat. Could the jokes I had written then be So fallen in value as that?

 * * * * *

THE FIRST DUTY OF AN OPPOSITION (_As it now seems tobe understood_). --"To lie in cool Obstruction, and talkrot. "--(_Shakspeare_--slightly _adapted_. )

 * * * * *

MODERN TRANSLATION BY OUR YOUNGEST SPORTING ETONIAN. --"_In formâpauperis_"--_i. E. _, "in rather poor form. "

 * * * * *

AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT. 

SCENE--_Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are_--A LondonAunt, _and her_ Eldest Daughter, _with a_ Cousin from the Country, _who is just a little difficult to amuse; a_ Serious-minded Lady _fromBrixton, with a more frivolous_ Friend; _a pair of_ Fiancés; _andan_ Unsophisticated Father, _with an_ Up-to-date little Daughter. _An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand" has just been given on theStage. _

_The Serious Lady. _ Clever? Yes, my dear, it is _clever_ enough, if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile _my_ conscienceto encouraging a fellow-creature to make a living by deliberatedeception!

_Her Friend. _ Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself. 

_The S. L. _ I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers andMagicians, and how _they_ acted!

_Her Friend. _ Ah, I never saw _them_. 

_The London Aunt_ (_to her_ Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY? Such a _treat_for you, to see really good conjuring!

_Sophy. _ Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with_two_ rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had!

[_A calico screen is brought forward on which the Entertainer throwsvarious shadows with his hands. _

_The S. L. _ Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do_that_ with his hands--then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (_Asmall male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses thescreen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by theleft hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embraceeffusively, and retire inside. _) Ah, that's the husband coming home!

[_Another male shadow enters and knocks furiously, while the littleLady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above. _

_Her Friend. _ I expect _that_ must be the husband. 

_The S. L. _ What?--and the wife behaving like that in his absence! IfI thought _that_ was the---- (_The first male shadow comes out, andfights the second, who retreats, worsted. _) I never saw anything soscandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and_laugh_ at such things----!

_Her Friend_ (_apologetically_). I can't help laughing--and, afterall, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her _father_, orsomething. 

_The S. L. _ And she inviting one to come into the house in that boldway--a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back witha flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his headout of the window! "Only a pair of hands, " did you say? So it _may_be--but we all know _who_ it is that "Finds some mischief still Foridle hands to do"--and there we have an illustration of it, my dear. 

[_She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval. _

_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_who has been roaring with laughter_). Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine how theydo these things--can _you_, VIVVIE? [_To Up-to-Date Child. _

_Miss Vivien. _ Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties, youknow, Father, that I don't notice it particularly, --but it's nice tosee _you_ so amused!

_The U. F. _ I'm _young_, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored?

MISS V. No, I'm not _bored_--only I thought there'd be some Serpentinedancing, and more of the _Music Hall_ about it. 

_The U. F. _ Music Hall! Why, what do _you_ know about Music Halls, eh?

_Miss V. _ (_with calm superiority_). Several of their songs--if youcall _that_ anything. 

_The U. F. _ I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much!

_Miss V. _ (_compassionately_). Would you? Poor dear Father! But younever _were_ very modern, were you?

[_A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding upfigures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the weekof any person's birth in the audience. _

_Her Colleague. _ Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date ofhis birth?

_The Fiancée. _ Now, JACK, tell yours. I _want_ you to. 

_Jack_ (_in an unnaturally gruff voice_). Fourteenth of February, eighteen-sixty-nine!

_The Blindfolded Lady_ (_with the air of the Delphic Pythia_). Yes--_that_ fell upon a Monday. [_Applause. _

_Her Coll. _ Is that correct, Sir?

_Jack. _ Don't know. 

[_He reddens, and tries to look unconscious. _

_Her Coll. _ Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event ofimportance that took place on the same date. 

_The Bl. L. _ Let me think. Yes. (_Solemnly. _) On the samedate, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, goloshes werefirst invented! [_Loud applause. _

_Miss V. _ (_as the pair retire_). Well, thank goodness, we've seen thelast of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums. What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator. " I expect that will berather rot, Father, don't you?

[_Enter a Gentleman in evening dress who gives realistic imitations ofvarious live-stock. _

_The Country Cousin. _ That's _exactly_ the way our little Berkshirepig grunts, and "Sweetlips" calls her calf just like that--and, oh, KATIE, I _wonder_ if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking athome--I think he _must_ have--he does it so exactly the same!

_Katie. _ Then you do think _that's_ clever, SOPHY?

_Sophy. _ Oh, well--for an _imitation_, you know!

[_A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shutup in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain aNegro who capers out, grinning. _

_The London Aunt. _ SOPHY, do you see that?--there's a black man therenow, instead!

_Sophy_ (_without enthusiasm_). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you. 

_Katie. _ Don't you _like_ it, SOPHY?

_Sophy. _ I don't see why it need have been a _Nigger_!

_The S. L. _ (_after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and, charming young Lady_). Like _that_, my dear?--a Young Woman giving adescription of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating menin that way! It was as much as _I_ could do to sit still in my seat!

_Her Friend. _ I must say I thought it was very amusing. 

_The S. L. _ Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls have no_business_ to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinionof such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have doneif _I'd_ ever been amusing--she would have broken her heart, I dobelieve!

_The Friend_ (_to herself_). She wouldn't have split her sides, that'svery certain!

[_A_ Lady Physiognomist _appears in cap and gown, and invitesa subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her characterrevealed. _

_Jack_ (_to his Fiancée_). No, I say--but look here, FLOSSIE, _really_I'd rather not--with all these people looking!

_Flossie. _ Then I shall think you've something to _conceal_, JACK--youwouldn't like me to feel that _already_, would you?

[Illustration: "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion. "]

[JACK, _resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, inwhich he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the_ Professor_studies his features dispassionately. _

_The Lady Phys. _ The first thing to notice is the disposition ofthe ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a veryremarkable manner. [_Delight of Audience. _

_Flossie_ (_to herself_). They _do_--awfully! I never noticed itbefore. But it really rather suits him; at least---- [_She meditates. _

_The L. Ph. _ This denotes an original and inquiring mind; thisgentleman takes nothing on trust--likes to see everything for himself;he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. Hisnose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition;it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount ofcombativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (_Here_JACK _giggles bashfully. _) There is a twist in the upper lip, which indicates--well, I won't say that he would actually tell an_untruth_--but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has thecapacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to sayabout this Gentleman. 

_Flossie_ (_to_ JACK, _after he has returned to her side_). JACK, ifyou can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must atleast promise me _one_ thing--it's very little to ask!

_Jack. _ You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for youFLOSSIE, --what is it?

_Flossie. _ Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK!

_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_at the conclusion of the exhibition, as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of theAudience_). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you sayto that, eh?

_Vivien_ (_composedly_). Well, I think we may as well vanish tooFather. It's all over!

_The S. L. _ (_going out_). I don't wish to judge _others_--far fromit--but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I _cannot_ feel this has beena profitable method of employing precious moments which can never berecalled. 

_Her Friend. _ Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to geta cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark. 

_The S. L. _ (_severely_). That was not precisely what I _meant_, ELIZA!

[_But it is precisely what she does. _

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ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES. 

["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideousadvertisements. "

_The Saturday Review. _]

 O newly-formed Society, we note with admiration The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart, And with no little eagerness await its consummation, When popular advertisements will shine as works of art. 

 Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills, No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills. 

 No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding Be covered with advertisements of variegated hue; No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue. 

 One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us, --you will pardon the suggestion-- We doubt not your ability your purposes to win, But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question, -- How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin?

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"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING" may now be seen in all theirglory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements theremade for their exhibition prove that they have been designed andcarried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener. 

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

[Illustration: At Easter Time the Baron de B. -W. Visits his friend_The_ Peer of Brighton. ]

Seeing that _A Wild Wooing_ (published by F. V. WHITE & CO. ) is byFLORENCE WARDEN, authoress of _The House on the Marsh_, the Baronanticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed. The novelis in one volume, which is an attraction, and that volume is of aportable size, which is another note in its favour; also it isnot illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing. The story isinteresting up to a certain point, which, however, does not take youvery far into the book, and, after this point, the murmurings behindwalls, the moving and dragging of heavy bodies under the floors, theinsecure rope-ladders, the trap-doors, cellars, underground passages, smugglers, murderers, victims, and all sorts of mixed mysteries, become tiresome. There is yet another fault, which is, that the storyis not told in so convincing a style as to make the reader feel quitesure that the authoress is not "getting at him" all the time, andjust trying to see what quantity of old melodramatic stuff he willpatiently stand. 

Henceforth FLORENCE WARDEN will do well to get away from the rustybars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined castles, as grim as that of _Udolpho_, "of which, " as Sir WALTER said in hispreface to _Waverley_, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited, and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some aged butleror housekeeper, whose trembling steps, &c. , &c. " Accidentally, turningfrom "White" to "Black, " the Baron took up the first volume of theexcellent re-issue of the _Waverley Novels_, by Messrs. ADAM ANDCHARLES BLACK, called _The Dryburgh Edition_, and commenced readingthe introductory chapter of _Waverley_, which at that time, gave thedeath-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of romantic tales, whetherevolved from the inner consciousness of English writers, or openlyacknowledged as "taken from the German. "

In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards which, when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning--it isinteresting to note how brave Sir WALTER defied the existing fashionin novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental "Mordaunts, " the"Belvilles, " and such like played-out names of ancient chivalry, laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of auburn hair and a harp, "and, like the Magician of the North that he was, boldly gave to theworld his historic novels, in which, where History doesn't suit therequirements of fiction, it is so much the worse for History. Arethere very many of the present generation who have not read Sir WALTERSCOTT'S novels? If there be any--and there must be, or where would bethe demand to occasion this new and admirably devised supply--let themat once put aside modern sensationalism, and commence WALTER SCOTT asa study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years, who hasread neither _Waverley_ nor several others of the series, and him heenvies, for, as the student in question has already set himself to thetask, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life yet tocome. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition; and theillustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not toodistracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression of hissentiments, he signs himself, THE BOLD BARON DE B. -W. 

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[Illustration: A LESSON IN ALTRUISM. 

ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS--THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULDBE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE--EVEN AT THE COST OF ALITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF. ]

 * * * * *

BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLEFRIENDS. "

(_Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado. "_)

Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBER-GLADSTONE, he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctoronly undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at atime, but he had always ready a supply of "cram" for a hundred, on thelowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight ofhis life to gorge "his young friends, " few or many, to their utmostcapacity, and sometimes beyond it. 

In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hothouse, in whichthere was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blewbefore their time--or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. MentalGreen Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runnersin March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimelyseasons, other than the appropriate Silly one. 

This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcingwas attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not theright taste about the premature productions, and they didn't alwayskeep well. 

The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not always ajoyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary. The seatswere in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were often inrows--with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was well providedwith Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system. But somehow thisseemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to real cleanliness, --likethe too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs" of an over-zealoushousewife. A "Spring Clean, " at St. Stephen's School, was a thingto remember, and shudder at. It was not a quiet House at the best oftimes. It seemed ever haunted by the Banshee of Noise, and disturbedby the cacophonous ghosts of dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periodsit was pervaded by a baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit, " andalways by the dull booings of unwilling young gentlemen at theirlessons, like the raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholyrooks, or of kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals oftheir clamorous scufflings. 

 * * * * *

Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S"young friends" _did_ care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himselfseemed as though he could--and were it possible--would do withoutthem. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends, " however docile, could neverbe brought to see _that_. They did not usually commence their Spring"term" until February. And they were rips, even rampant, for a long"Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula, said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon----" they hungupon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed anydisposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus, like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry. 

 * * * * *

It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning toSchool _after_ the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacentlyexpansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep. _They_ did not welcome _him_. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the fivesenior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown andsomewhat ungainly Irish boy, Master PATRICK GREEN, cock of the School, and prime favourite of Doctor GLADSTONE! Can you not fancy themsinging--after a famous original--the following quintett?

 _The Five. _ Five little boys for school are we, Back from a very short ho-li-dee; All as reluctant as well can be, -- Five little boys for School! _Master Green. _ Holiday's over, there's no more fun! [_Groans. _ _Master Hodge. _ Only just started! Wish I was done! [_Snivels. _ _Master Bung. _ As for _me_, wish I'd never _begun_! [_Howls. _ _The Five. _ Five little boys for School! _All_ (_shrinking_). Five little boys who, all unwary, Entered old GLADSTONE'S big seminary, Slaves to his Genius tutelary---- _The Five_ (_suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor_)-- Five little boys "back to School!. !"

 * * * * *

[Illustration: BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNGFRIENDS. ]

 * * * * *

SONGS OF SOCIETY. II. --A LETTER OF ADVICE. 

_From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor, in Mayfair. _ (_Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed. _)

[Illustration]

 They tell me you've "landed" a lover (Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis _chic_), Before your first Season is over, Before I have left you a week. I learned the good news through my mother. Who _is_ he? I wish I could guess. If it's dear Lord FITZ-FRUMPINGTON'S brother, My own ANGELINA, say "Yes. "

 _Tres chère_, we know Fortune and Fashion Are sensible girlhood's sole guides, Smart maidenhood ridicules passion, And sentiment calmly derides. I gave you "Bel Ami" as token That we were not victims of "glow;" You gave me your vow--is it broken? My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 We vowed, dear, no matter at what age, By Sentiment not to be hooked, Or cheated by Love in a Cottage, Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd. Too well, dear, _we_ know modern men's tone, Of "briar" the pipes which _they_ blow. Say, have you gone soft _à la_ SHENSTONE? My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 Remember the cynic romances We read in that Devonshire glen! We are not the slaves of girl-fancies, We've learned far too much about Men! 'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder, To whirl through the waltz with FRANK LOWE, But should poor Adonis grow bolder, My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 You know without wealth and a carriage Life's just a prolonged fit of spleen, So don't let me mourn o'er your marriage With any poor BROWN, JONES, or GREEN. You swore mere romance should not thrill you, Nor gold-less good looks make you glow; And you will not go back on it--will you? My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 We're parted, but sympathy's fetter Unites us, I'm sure of it, still. I read your last laughable letter, And see you are steering with skill. True Love is all fiddlededee, love, Full coffers count only, below. If he's not what your husband should be, Love, My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 If he's over polite in his wooing, If his heart is too plainly a-throb, If he scarce seems aware what he's doing, If he speaks with a blush or a sob; If he is not "dead nuts" on his dinner, If his voice or his spirits run low; If he seems getting paler or thinner, My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 If he gives too much time to his Tennis, Neglectful of dear L. S. D. , If he chatters of WHISTLER and Venice, If he cares about Five o'clock Tea; If he's not sometimes rude or capricious (All swells who have money are so), Such signs are extremely suspicious; My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 If he shows a contempt for "the City, " And drops little jeers about Jews, If he talks of "the People" with pity, Or rails at the Sweaters as "screws, " These things prove a "popular leaning, " And popular leanings are low; Soft heart, and slack purse, are _their_ meaning-- My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 If he prates about Property's duties In diction at all Gladstonese, If he's down on Society Beauties, If he has not a stare that can freeze; If he does not abuse Foreign Powers, And vote all philosophy slow, If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers, " My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 He must walk like a Cit in his glory, Of Money the true modern test, He must be--yes, of course, dear--a Tory, (As _partis_ that party are best) If he knows not the old Carlton's portal, Then--unless you've a Duke for a beau-- I beg you--for girls are but mortal-- My own ANGELINA, say "No!"

 Don't bother about his extraction Although there's a charm in good birth, But Wealth yields life's sole satisfaction, So find out, dear girl, _what he's worth_! He may be but an oil-striking Yankee, Eccentric in manners and dress, But, if he has tin worth a "thankee, " My own ANGELINA, say "Yes!"

 * * * * *

MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS. 

_Question. _ What is the chief object you wish to attain during theVacation?

_Answer. _ To have the best time possible under the most favourableconditions. 

_Q. _ Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken intoserious account in attaining this desirable end?

_A. _ Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of amoment's consideration. 

_Q. _ Have you any objection to upsetting all the householdarrangements on your arrival?

_A. _ Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hourearly enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30, why the_déjeuner à la fourchette_ (as the French would say) must bepartaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an eveningrepresentation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back tohalf-past five. 

_Q. _ If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father'shabits, how would you deal with the matter?

_A. _ I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purelynecessary explanations to my mother. 

_Q. _ During the time of your vacation will you approve of anydinner-parties?

_A. _ I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guestsare of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a fewfellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supperon a Sunday. 

_Q. _ Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favouritetime for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest anyreflection?

_A. _ No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced absencefrom home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should have thebenefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics. 

_Q. _ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advancesthe fact that you have received greater advantages than he himselfenjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should youreply?

_A. _ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth, it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he hadnever been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that. "

_Q. _ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smokecigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano inthe drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all hisdocuments in the study, what answer would you make?

_A. _ That you were not responsible for the training which he had takenunder his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad resultof your bringing-up. 

_Q. _ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent ofyour scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?

_A. _ Explain that your present position in the school, to which yousupposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in theelement of popularity, and that any further move in the directionof increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to yourexpulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggestthat such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in theChurch, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands forlife. 

_Q. _ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, whatshould you do?

_A. _ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. Youwill then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of yourvacation indefinitely. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK. 

_Little Spinks. _ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT IAM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"]

 * * * * *

NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE. 

"The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carloon Saturday, " so said the _Morning Post_, "in order to address apolitical meeting at Glasgow on April 14th. " His Grace having tornhimself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turnthe tables on the _Liberales Gladstonienses_. But fancy renouncingsunny Mount Charles--"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place, " as sang_Miles na Coppaleen_, who was, by the way, miles away from MonteCarlo--with its azure sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant green-clothtable land, its delightful _promenades à pied_, and its frisky_gambols à la roulette_, where the sunset and sunrise are _rouge_, and _noir_ is only "on the cards. " Fancy renouncing these gay southerndelights to live a laborious day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow!"O swallow, swallow, flying, flying South, " how would you like to bechecked in your holiday-making airy career in order to be brought backto the cold and cruel North? Such a self-sacrifice as this is indeedmemorable. 

 * * * * *

LOVE BY THE SEA. WIND N. E. BY E. 

 "We do not speak as we pass by!" But tears down trickle from our eye! Alas! Our love remains untold---- For each has got a thundering cold!

 * * * * *

BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO APPEAR. 

_I Banish the Street Organs!_ By the Author of _I Forbid the Banns!_

_A Boy's Present. _ (Birthday Book. ) By the Author of _A Girl's Past_. 

No. 1 of _The Domestic Lyre_, as a Companion to _The FamilyStoryteller_. 

 * * * * *

YET THEY LOOK SO INNOCENT!--In the Language of Flowers, what speciesshould always express untruths?--Li-lies. 

 * * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. 

_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27. _--The Lowther Arcade notgetting on so well as thought when projected. The Master Builderbeen diligently at work, but result disappointing. On Friday hegot terribly snubbed by SPEAKER. Comes up to-day to make personalexplanation. That a bait at which House usually jumps; always ready tobe amused, or interested with scandal about Queen ELIZABETH and otherpersons. These things usually promised by personal explanation. To-dayno flutter of excitement moved crowded House. JEMMY, approaching tablewith most judicial air, received with mocking laughter, and ironicalcheers. Some difficulty in quite making out what he was at. Evidentlysomething to do with SQUIRE of MALWOOD; but SQUIRE so inextricablymixed up with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out whichwas which. JAMES pounded along in most ponderous style; SQUIREcontemptuously replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation, and the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat. 

"Never mind, " I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down; "Romewasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in a week. These things grow. You must have patience, and the Lowther Arcadewill still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got? There's BARTLEY, HANBURY, and TOMMY BOWLES. LOWE, forming his Cave, hadn't so many tostart with. "

"Yes, " said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but, fact is, you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak, colonnadesin the Arcade. They are all on their own hook; fighting for their ownhand; won't take the lead from me; must go foraging for themselves. HANBURY thinks he can boss a show better than most men. BARTLEY'Sobstreperous. TOMMY BOWLES would be all right if he were left tohimself, free from the companionship of designing men. He is young, ingenuous, not wholly lost to a sense of regard for his pastors andmasters, lack of which is the curse of modern Youth. I believe TOMMYrespects me, and, only for the evil communications to which he issubject on the back bench, would work loyally with me in establishingthe Arcade. "

There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as he turnedround, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what time he softlywhistled to himself the old Jacobite air, "_Tommy make Room for yourUncle_. "

_Business done. _--Vote of Censure moved by Prince ARTHUR; Governmentmajority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists, fresh frommeeting at Foreign Office, agree that, on whole, have spent a happyday. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince ARTHUR could not lift it out ofthe rut, nor GRANDOLPH either. Only Mr. G. Shone with effulgent lightthrough gloom of evening. Principal result of manoeuvre, beyondgiving fillip to majority, is that a day will be filched from meagreholidays, and House must needs sit on Thursday. 

_Tuesday. _--Mr. G. Looked in in time to say a few words in reply toPrince ARTHUR'S inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he cameback, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to point. House been talking all morning round Vote on Account. MACFARLANE doneRule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred days are lost every weekby necessity imposed upon Members of coming down two hours in advanceto take their seats. Some disposition shown by practical Members toargue question whether there could be twelve hundred days in any week, even in Leap-Year. 

"I know I'm right, " said MACFARLANE, and the sceptics, gazingrespectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy. 

House divided on Motion by LEGH to reduce Foreign Office Vote. Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminsterclock, 6. 10 P. M. ; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended; Votemust be through Committee to-day; TOMMY BOWLES (who hasn't made aspeech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet; sheafs of manuscript inhis hand; would certainly oblige to extent of twenty minutes; BARONDE WORMS also has a few remarks to offer; probable length of ChannelTunnel. Mr. G. Interposes. "Mr. MELLOR, " he said, addressing Chairman, "I claim to have the question now put. "

Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists. TOMMY resumed his seat;gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble Baron saw in this manoeuvrefresh proof that Mr. G. Had sold himself to Germany; having completedpreparation for separation of the Empire on the side of the IrishChannel, would immediately after, by medium of WATKIN'S Tunnel, placewhat was left of the country at the mercy of a foreign foe. MeanwhileClosure moved; what's more, carried on division by swingeing majorityof over a hundred. So Vote agreed to; Mr. G. Gets off for short drivebefore dressing for dinner. 

[Illustration: EASTER AT THE ZOO. ]

Earned a night's rest, and a longer Easter holiday than he hasallotted to himself and us. Older he gets, the younger he seems. Hiswork to-day should make the eight-hours' man blush. At bay in DowningStreet since twelve o'clock with two hostile deputations. Came fromUlster and the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule Lion in his den. Alone he met them; one down, the other come on; no interval of rest;picked men from Ulster, Selected Captains from the City, surged aroundtable at which he sat. Hardly left him time to reply. Having politelyconducted Ulster to door, enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager forfray. Told him over again in varied phrase how he was bringing countryto verge of ruin; listened with perfect courtesy, as if they'd beendiscussing someone else--say, his next-door neighbour, SQUIRE ofMALWOOD and Junior Lord of Downing Street. Up again when last in listof City speakers had concluded. Almost persuaded JOHN LUBBOCK to bea Home-Ruler; then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondencelittering his table in room behind SPEAKER'S chair; alert on sound ofdivision-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long listof speeches never made this particular one before; looks up PALGRAVE'S_Handbook_; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula in deep richvoice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned, remorselessdemand. All this, too, following on a day like yesterday, when twoother deputations stormed Downing Street; drew from him weighty reply;followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech in the House on the eternalIrish question, which GRANDOLPH rightly termed, "entrancing. "

"A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said PRINCE ARTHUR, talking over thesethings to-night, when he should have been listening to TOMMY BOWLES, who having at the morning sitting had his speech on Vote on Accountclosured, delivered another at evening sitting on the question of theDepreciation of Silver as it affects domestic architecture in Chinaand Peru. 

_Business done. _--Vote on Account through Committee. 

_Thursday. _--CAINE going about House this afternoon, his slim figurebulging out at the pockets in mysterious fashion, "Brought your supperwith you?" I asked, lightly touching one of the excrescences that feltlike an imperial pint of ginger-beer (WHITE 1880). "You seem burstingwith broiled bones. All no use. No more all-night sittings _this_ sideof Easter. "

[Illustration: Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining theSignatures to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if theyare genuine or not. (_Vide_ Report of the Proceedings in the Commons, March 28, which suggests that they are obtained in Public Houses. )]

"No, my boy, you're wrong, " said CAINE. "Fact is, I'm going off tothe country, and these protuberances you observe about my person arephonograms. All labelled, you see, " he said, taking out cylinders fromseveral pockets. "Here are a few remarks on Registration; that's myLocal-Veto Speech; and here is an entirely new view of the Home-Rulequestion. If you like to come over to my house at Clapham--close by, you know, busses every ten minutes--you shall have a night's thoroughenjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourself with the phonograph. Popin one of these cylinders; set the phonograph whizzing; and you'llhear me on Local Veto. Take out cylinder, put in another, and you'llknow more about Home Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt. Can only let you have them for to-night. To-morrow they go down toYorkshire, and thro' Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at variousplaces, six speeches every night, I myself comfortably making holidayin Wales. " "Thank you, " I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I thinkI'll go home and go to bed. " In truth, a little depressed. Here's anice prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working offat public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons. But ifevery man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by phonography, the last state of this country will be worse than the first. 

_Business done. _--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped sittingover Good Friday. Back next Thursday. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: THE NEW "FOURTH PARTY. "

T. G. B-wl-s. Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r. G. C. B-rtl-y. R. W. H-nb-ry. ]

 * * * * *

[Transcriber's Note:Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. ]