PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 104, APRIL 29TH 1893 edited by Sir Francis Burnand [Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE VERY SHY ONE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. _Affable Stranger. _ "ULLO, MISTER, THERE YOU ARE! I SAY, THAT _WAS_ ARACY BIT YOU GAVE US LAST WEEK, ABOUT THE 'CAT AND THE FIDDLE'! QUITEIN YOUR OLD FORM, EH!" [_Digs him in the ribs with his Umbrella. _ _Our Artist. _ "YOU'RE VERY KIND, BUT--A--I--A--I FEAR I HAVEN'T THEPLEASURE OF YOUR ACQUAINTANCE--A----" _Affable Stranger. _ "HOITY-TOITY ME! HOW PROUD WE ARE THIS MORNING!"[_Gives him another dig, and exit. _] * * * * * STRAY THOUGHTS ON PLAY-WRITING. _From the Common-place Book of The O'Wilde. _--The play? Oh, the playbe zephyr'd! The play is not the thing. In other words, the play isnothing. Point is to prepare immense assortment of entirely irrelevantepigrams. "Epigram, my dear Duke, is the refuge of the dullard, whoimagines that he obtains truth by inverting a truism. " That soundswell; must lay it by for use. Take "Virtue, " for instance. "Virtue"offers a fine field for paradox, brought strictly up to date. Must jotdown stray thoughts. (Good idea in the expression "Stray Thoughts. "Will think over it, and work it up either for impromptu or futureplay. ) Here are a few examples:-- (1) Be virtuous, and you will be a County Councillor. (2) Nothing is so dull as a life of virtue--except a career of vice. (3) "Virtue, my dear Lady CHILLINGHAM, is the weakness of the masses, acting under the force of their circumstances. " (4) Virtue, no doubt, is a necessity; but, to be necessary, is thefirst step to abolition. (5) If you wish to become virtuous, you have only to be found out. (6) There is nothing a man resents so much as the imputation ofvirtue. (7) Virtue, my dear HORACE, is a quality we inculcate upon our wivesmainly by a lack of example. (8) I want to be rich merely in order to have the chance of overcomingthe difficulties in the way of being virtuous. Virtue on a pound aweek is so easy as to repel all but the indolent and worthless. So much for Virtue. Repentance may be treated according to the sameformula. (1) My dear boy, never repent. Repentance leads inevitably torepetition. (2) Repentance is like a secret. If you keep it to yourself it losesall interest. Nobody can repent on a desert island. (3) To repent is to have been unsuccessful. (4) Not to be repentant is never to have enjoyed. (5) Repentance in a man means nothing more than an intention tochange his methods; in a woman it is a last tribute to an expiringreputation. Having finished these examples, I will put down a few notions forgeneral use. (1) Necessity knows no law, and therefore has to learn. (2) Everything comes to the man who is waited upon. (3) The later the bird the better for the worm. (4) It is never too late to--dine. There you have the whole secret. Be fearfully cynical, dreadfullybold, delightfully wicked, and carefully unconventional; let paradoxand epigram flow in copious streams from your pen. Throw in a fewaristocrats with a plentiful flavouring of vices novelisticallyassociated with wicked Baronets. Add an occasional smoking-room--(_Mem. _ "Everything ends in smoke, my dear boy, except the cigars ofour host. " Use this when host is a _parvenu_ unacquainted with themysteries of brands)--shred into the mixture a wronged woman, a dullwife, and, if possible, one well tried and tested "situation, " thenset the whole to simmer for three hours at the Haymarket. The resultwill be---- But to predict a result is to prophesy, and to prophesyis to know. (N. B. --Work up this rough material. It will come right, and sound well when polished up. ) * * * * * BY GEORGE! A Correspondent of the _Daily Telegraph_ suggests that, as the Scotchkeep up St. Andrew's Day, and the Irish St. Patrick's, the Englishshould also have a national _fête_ on St. George's Day, the 23rd ofApril. Why not have the 23rd as St. George's Day, and the 24th as theDragon's Day? We ought to "Remember the Dragon"--say, by depositingwreaths before the Temple Bar specimen. A Dragon's Day would be amost useful National Institution. The object would not be to exaltthe beast, but to celebrate our own (and GEORGE'S) triumph over it. Everybody has his own private Dragon, and some people have public onesas well. For example, Sir WILFRED LAWSON, in laying down his wreath, would be commemorating the introduction of the Veto Bill; Mr. GLADSTONE would be slaying (in spirit) the Leader of the Oppositionin the House of Lords, who is evidently the "Dragon of the Prime(Minister)" referred to by TENNYSON; Lord CRANBORNE would be Mr. DAVITT'S Dragon, and so on. The fun would be that nobody wouldbe expected to say _what_ Dragon he meant. If a law were passedestablishing such a festivity, perhaps it would be denounced as "tooDragonic"! * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. [Illustration: Going to the Booking-Office. ] Poet WILLIAM WATSON'S _Excursions in Criticism_ are cheap Excursions. He himself describes them as "Prose Recreations of a Rhymer. " "Prosy"would have been the truer epithet. The meeting of an Interviewerwith Dr. JOHNSON is the best, and it is also the last. Poet WATSON'Scriticism of _Tess of the D'Urbevilles_, his Essay on IBSEN'S Plays, and another on GEORGE MEREDITH, may have been recreations to thewriter, but, like most of the other papers in this volume, they willnever be so considered by the lightheaded and unbiassed reader. Whatis recreation to WILLIAM WATSON is boredom to the Baron, and, as thelatter is inclined to think, to the majority of such of the public asmay attempt the perusal of W. W. 's recreations. Let W. W. Make nomore cheap excursions in criticism, --excepting, of course, for his ownprivate amusement, with which no one has a right to interfere, --butlet him "thank the gods he is poetical, " and so let him remain. Hissecond best Essay, is on _The Punishment of Genius_, in which headvocates the post-mortem destruction of every scrap of composition, which its author had never intended for the public eye. * * * * * "We've had no rain to speak of for some weeks, " observed Mrs. R. ;"and, if this goes on, I heard some scientific gentlemen say, theother day, we ought to have the land irritated by hydras. " * * * * * MELANCHOLIA. (_Modern French Version: After the celebrated Picture "Melencolia" byAlbert Dürer. _) [Illustration] An enigmatic picture! Yet, indeed, In current Gallic light not hard to read. Woman, with angel-wings, and mournful face, What are the plans those listless fingers trace? What are the visions those fixed eyes survey? The War-dog fierce lies couchant in your way. The instruments of Art are scattered round. Mistress of charm in form, in tint, in sound, Of engineering might, mechanic skill, That checks your genius, and what thwarts your will? Winged Wit is at your side, your cherished guest, Who quits you never on an alien quest. But what that mystic prism shadows forth Hath menace which auxiliar from the North May scarce avert. The scales of Justice tilt Something askew. The curse of high-placed guilt Is on you, if the warning tocsin's knell, Clanging forth fiercely, hath not force to tell The hearer that Fate's hourglass fast runs out. That spectral Comet flames, beset about With miasmatic mist, and lurid fume, Conquering Corruption threatens hideous doom. Yet, yet the Bow of Promise gleams above, Herald of Hope to her whom all men mark and love! * * * * * [Illustration: THE SOLE INHABITANT. _Fishing Club Keeper (to New Member). _ "'XCUSE ME, SIR, BUT, BEIN' ASTRANGER, SO TO SPEAK; MAYHAP YER MAYN'T HA' NOTICED AS HOW THIS HERELITTLE BIT BE PRIVATE WATER. " _Mr. O'Bulligan (who has had bad sport). _ "SHURE PRIVATE IS IT YE SAY, RODGERS? FAITH AN' I'M THINKIN' THE WHOLE STRAME'S PRETTY PRIVATE, FORDEVIL A FISH IS THERE IN IT AT ALL AT ALL, 'CEPT WAN, AN' HE'S IN MYBASKET!"] * * * * * CREDIT WITHOUT CASH. The Hon. CROESUS CASH was greatly annoyed that so many people shouldhave been admitted to his library. He bitterly reproached his valetfor this dereliction of duty. "Beg your pardon, Sir, " said his servant, "but they _would_ come in. They said they must see you--that their lives depended on it. " "What have I to do with their lives?" growled the Hon. CROESUS. Andthen he added, as he entered his sanctum, "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, what do you want? My time's precious, and I can't waste it uponstrangers. " "My dear Sir, my very dear Sir, " cried in trembling accents an oldparson in a thread-bare coat, "I have a wife and family, and we arereally starving. " "Ditto, Sir, ditto!" observed an elderly soldier who had evidentlybeen an officer. "And I am a widow, and must bring my poor children home from school, as I can no longer afford the expense of their education, " so said anelderly dame in shabby mourning. "But how can I help you?" asked the Hon. CROESUS. "What has broughtyou to this pass?" "Why, you, Sir, " returned the ex-officer. "You, Sir!" "Come, " said the Hon. CROESUS, waxing angry, "I advise you to becareful of the provisions of the Libel and Slander Act. You accuse meof bringing you to poverty! Why, I have never seen any of you in mylife--never even heard of you!" "But we have heard of you, " they cried. "Yes, we have. " "We are all shareholders in the Bubble Babble Syndicate, Limited, "explained the parson, tearfully, "and we have consequently lost everything we had in the world. " "But what have I to do with it?" again asked the Hon. CROESUS. "Verysorry to hear of your misfortunes, but I don't see how _I_ come in. " "Why you, Sir, " exclaimed the ex-officer; "you, Sir, were one of theofficials!" "Pardon me, Sir, I was nothing of the sort. I have nothing whatever todo with the Syndicate. I was merely a Director. " And when the defrauded shareholders found out that he was only _that_, they went away complaining, but convinced they would be afforded byhim no relief. And they were right, for the Hon. CROESUS (who wasold-fashioned in his ways) acted strictly according to precedent. * * * * * THE PRIVATE VIEW. (_By a Visitor, Small but not Early. _) Irony about this View Is, I fear, more true than new, Still the crowd's a great 'un; Heads and bodies hide from me Pictures that I wish to see; Smooth, fair maids by LEIGHTON; If I seek a work by WELLS, Can I see through _beaux_ and _belles?_ I can but survey 'em. Hid the masterpiece of BROCK By some girl's wide-shouldered frock, So the bulls of GRAHAM. If my eyes seek breezy HOOKS, Hooks and eyes obstruct my looks; Pity me, dear reader! Cobalt Cornish seas by BRETT Hid by _chignons_ in a net, Likewise views by LEADER! See, instead of groups by CROWE, Coats, black like him, in a row; Also, quite as thick, see Backs, not sculptured ones by BATES, Hide the pretty pinkish pates Done to death by DICKSEE! If I strive to see a SANT, My large neighbours make me pant, For they push so coarsely; Or the evergreens of STONE, Then they nip my funnybone; And I lose what HORSLEY Drapes so decently--the MARKS Are on me; these tall young sparks Squeeze enough to kill a Little man, who sees no WATTS Past their lofty chimney-pots, Nor a single MILLAIS. * * * * * GOOD START FOR THE ACADEMICAL YEAR. --Mr. STANHOPE FORBES, A. R. A. , isa clever Painter, as everyone knows, but he is cleverer than wasthought, as he has sold his Academy Picture to the ManchesterCorporation for 1, 200 guineas. STANHOPE FORBES will change his name toSTAN'UP-FOR-YOUR-PRICE FORBES, A. R. A. * * * * * FROM ONE OF THE WISE MEN IN THE EAST. --A traveller, doing a walkingtour in Egypt, from Cairo and back again, describes himself as a"Cairopedist, " and adds that it's just the place for Members of thatprofession to prosper, as "Corn in Egypt" is proverbial. * * * * * THE PREMIER AT THE HAYMARKET LAST WEDNESDAY. --This does not mean thatMr. GLADSTONE visited this theatre, but simply that Mr. TREE produceda new piece, written by the O'WILDE. "Whatever be its merit or want ofmerit, " says JOSEPH MILLER, Q. C. , "WILDE can't be tame. " * * * * * A LIEN ON THE LEA. AIR--"_The Bells of Shandon. _" ["Mr. PEMBER, Q. C. , before the Committee of the County Council General Powers Bill, put in a claim, on behalf of the New River and other Companies, that the water of the River Lea is the absolute property of the Companies!" _Daily Chronicle. _] _Is_ it, by thunder? With solemn wonder I'll often think of That sounding claim; And oft remember How Mister PEMBER (_He_'s a "hot member"!) Put in the same. On this I ponder: Where'er I wander, "From here to yonder, " I'm sure to see, Whate'er I stand on, Wealth lays its hand on, As on the water Of the River Lea. I've had _one_ mouthful. But, though of drouth full, I trust I'll never Another swallow. I've tried the tide Of Thames, Medway, Clyde, But unstrained Lea-water, It licks 'em hollow. I know that river Set me a-shiver, Upset my liver, And made me ill, When, on it punting, Some cads, sport-hunting, Driving into me, Gave me a spill. My memory, dwelling On that ill-smelling And muddy throatful Revolts. Ah me! That awful vision! That dread collision With the rowdy boatful On the River Lea! But, goodness gracious! If river spacious By Co. 's owdacious, Can thus be claimed, I have a notion The wide blue ocean As "absolute property" May soon be named. Who need be caring For the Sea of Behring? We shall have them sharing The broad Atlantic. Whilst the Bay of Biscay (Like a keg of whiskey) Will be shared and lotted By financiers frantic! O sublime monopolist, You're truly top o' list! Where _will_ you stop? Oh, list, One word from me! _Too_ big claims abandon. You may lay your hand on The unpleasant waters Of the muddy Lea, But in every quarter Of Earth, Air, Water, If _too_ strong you "come it" (As you seem inclined), There will be a shindy; And you'll find it--windy Upon "Proputty's" summit, If you do not mind. On that peak you'd plant 'em, Your claws, bold Bantam, But I spy a phantom Which you may not see, Which may scare you slightly, Should you grip _too_ tightly The unpleasant waters Of the River Lea! * * * * * [Illustration: _James. _ "YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I WISHED TO HASKYOU IF YOU COULD SPARE ME FOR A HOUR OR TWO TO-MORRER MORNIN'?" _Employer. _ "WHAT'S IT FOR, JAMES?" _James. _ "WELL, SIR, I WISH TO CONSULT A DENTIS', I 'AVE A 'OLLOWTOOTH 'ERE, WHICH GIVES ME HAWFUL PAIN; AN' IT'S ONLY WITH GREATHEFFORT THAT I CAN MANAGE TO _DOMESTICATE_ MY FOOD!"] * * * * * TOO BAD TO BE TRUE. At a meeting of the London Diocesan Conference, a Reverend gentlemanis reported to have declared his belief that, "for one man drawn fromthe Public-house by the opening of the Museums on Sunday, therewere ten persons drawn from their attendance at Church!" _Mr. Punch_fancies these are rather supposititious statistics. Does the Reverendgentleman quite see what his hasty statement involves? How slightmust be the attractions of Church--_his_ Church at least--to a largeproportion even of those who _do_ now attend? Rivalry between Museumand Gin-palace one can contemplate hopefully. But if the real rivalryis to be between Museum and Church, with such results as this ratherpessimistic parson predicts, the look-out seems rather dismal--for theChurch! Surely this is the highest compliment to secular attractionsever paid by a cleric! _Mr. Punch_ hopes--and believes--it is asill-deserved as high. * * * * * SPORTING ANSWERS. POULTRY. QUACK. --The game of Ducks and Drakes was played originally byNOAH, after the subsidence of the Flood. We hear of it again in theChronicles of CORNELIUS LONGIBOVUS MENDAX, who relates that it solacedthe last hours of ARTAXERXES when he lay on his death-bed in thedesert of Sahara, and called in vain for his third wife, PSAMMETICA, who was at that moment gathering mushrooms in the garden of the RoyalPalace at Persepolis. CHAFF-CUTTER. --To make Dodo's eggs, take a solution of _ext. Turp. Rutifolia_, and boil for two hours. Then simmer on a slow fire, addtwo pinches of salt, and the hard part of a bullock's hide. Passthrough a common sieve, and hatch out under a tame Pterodactyl. GARDEN. --VENDITUS ITERUM. --The bark of the dog-rose is naturally worsethan the Bight of Benin. The one you sent us had no dew-claws. Quiteright; it has had its day. So has Martin. * * * * * "ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. " [Illustration] Under this heading the _Times_, some days ago, informed us thata certain set of Oxford Dons had met together in order to makearrangements for the establishment in the University of a couple offirst-class Evangelical Clergymen, possessing "special gifts, " towhom such Undergraduates as might be piously inclined could go forinstruction and good counsel. It was stated, in their sketch of aprospectus of this scheme, that these two grave and reverend Gentlemenare to be "accessible at all times. " This is excellent. Also, "theywill be given to hospitality, " which is still more excellent, and letus hope that, in return, hospitality will be given to _them_. But itis difficult to combine "accessibility at all times" with perpetualfestivities. For how would it suit either of these well-intentionedClergymen, after the hospitalities of an ordinary day, commencingwith University Breakfast, going on to University Lunch, thenceto University Tea, then dinner, wine, and, finally, supper, to beaccessible to anyone who chose to ring them up during the smallhours to ask for "counsel and advice so judicious and so sound"?Very "special" indeed would have to be the "gifts" of the twoalways-hospitable and ever-accessible Clergymen, who would undertakethe mission; and, among their most essential special qualifications, would have to be, first, the capacity for taking any amount ofeverything without being in the least the worse for it, and, secondly, the capacity of perpetual wakefulness and clear-headedness, withoutthe extraneous and artificial application of wet towels round thehead. Men with such special gifts are, indeed, rare; nay, they aredemi-gods. But, if such men are to be found, no matter at what cost, we sincerely wish they (the originators of this scheme) may get them. * * * * * MIXED NOTIONS. No. IX. --PARISH COUNCILS. (_Scene and Persons as usual. _) _Inquirer_ (_to himself, as he reads his paper_). Well, I'm dashed!What the blue blazes does all this stuff mean? _First Well-informed Man_ (_to_ Second W. I. M. , _in a tone of pityinggood-humour, mixed with conscious superiority_). He's got started onhis usual morning puzzle. _Inquirer_ (_with asperity_). Oh, it's all very well for you two chapsto sneer. You're both older than I am, and, as you've been about more, you ought to know more. Anyhow, I like to find out about things, and, when I don't know, I ask those who do. _First W. I. M. _ (_not unkindly_). Well, well, never mind all that. You know I don't mind telling you anything. I really didn't mean tosneer. What's your difficulty? _Inquirer. _ It's all about this Parish Councils Bill. _First W. I. M. _ What about it? _Inquirer_ (_hopelessly_). What does it mean? What _is_ a ParishCouncils Bill? _First W. I. M. _ Oh, well, you know, a Parish Councils Billis----well, it's a Bill for giving Parish Councils. _Inquirer. _ Yes--but whom are they going to give them to? _First W. I. M. _ Why, to the Parishes, of course. _Inquirer. _ Ah! (_Continues reading. A puzzled frown settles on hisface. _) But why can't the Parishes make their own Councils, withoutall this fuss in Parliament? Couldn't every Parish simply say, "I'mgoing to have a Council, " and just start it straight away? _First W. I. M. _ My dear fellow, you know nothing can be done withoutan Act of Parliament. _Inquirer. _ But they call this a Bill, not an Act. _First W. I. M. _ It's only another way of saying the same thing. ABill or an Act--it's all one. _Second W. I. M. _ No, it isn't. _First W. I. M. _ I'll lay you a couter it is. _Second W. I. M. _ Done! _First W. I. M. _ Well, what do _you_ (_withering emphasis_) say is thedifference? _Second W. I. M. _ When the House of Commons brings anything in, it's aBill, and when the House of Lords does it, it's an Act. Pay up! _First W. I. M. _ Not I. That's precisely what I meant, only youwouldn't give me time to say it. Why, that's the A B C of politics. _Second W. I. M. _ Seems to take a lot of learning, anyway. [_A pause. _ _Inquirer_ (_returning to his point_). But look here. What have theybrought the Parish Councils Bill in for? I thought we'd all got CountyCouncils all over the place. _First W. I. M. _ (_slapping him warmly on the back_). My dear chap, you've just hit the nail plumb on the right head. That's what I'vesaid all along. The whole country's being simply ruined with all theseblessed Councils. Every man will have to be his own Council beforelong, if they go on making Councils at this rate. _Second W. I. M. _ Well, anyhow, your beautiful ConservativeGovernment, that you were so dashed proud of, started the business. _First W. I. M. _ (_indignantly_). I deny it. _Second W. I. M. _ Deny away. Perhaps you'll tell me that LordBEACONSFIELD didn't set the County Councils going? _First W. I. M. _ Ah, but those were quite different County Councils. Why, they weren't even called Councils; they were called Boards. _Second W. I. M. _ They may _have_ been called Boards, but they'recalled Councils now, and that's enough for me. Anyhow, don't you see(_furtively consults newspaper and quotes_) that "Parish Councilsare the logical and necessary development of the scheme of CountyGovernment left imperfect by the Conservatives"? _First W. I. M. _ No. I don't see it at all. _Second W. I. M. _ Well, then, how do you propose to root theagricultural population in the soil? You must admit---- _First W. I. M. _ I don't admit anything--at least, I won't until youtell me how a Parish Council is going to root anybody, let alone anagricultural labourer, in anything. There's too much mollycoddling ofthese agricultural labourers, that's what I say. _Second W. I. M. _ (_doggedly_). You're always talking aboutagricultural depression and hard times for those that live on theland, and you won't lift a finger to help them when you get thechance. If we give these chaps Parish Councils, they can all getallotments, and then of course (_quotes again_) "we shall multiply theproductive power of the land tenfold. " _First W. I. M. _ What have allotments got to do with Parish Councils? _Second W. I. M. _ Everything. _First W. I. M. _ (_triumphant_). Then how do you account for myUncle's coachman having an allotment at this very moment? He's had itfor years, long before anybody even heard of Parish Councils. _Second W. I. M. _ That exactly proves my point. It's just because he_isn't_ an agricultural labourer that he's been able to get it. Whatwe want to do is to level up. _Inquirer. _ But there aren't any agricultural labourers in my parish;at least, I never heard of any. How are they going to manage aboutthat? _Second W. I. M. _ They'll send you some from somewhere else. That'swhat they call migration. _Inquirer. _ I thought birds did that. [_Terminus. _ * * * * * BEFORE THE PRIVATE VIEW. (_A Modern Dialogue. _) [Illustration: Private View. ] SCENE--Lady HAY'S _Boudoir. Lady_ HAY _and_ Miss BEE _discoveredsipping five o'clock tea. _ _Miss Bee_ (_sympathetically_). I am so sorry, dearest, that you havesprained your ankle. And is it _quite_ out of the question to come onFriday to Burlington House? _Lady Hay. _ Quite, dearest. Dr. KEELEY DODGE says I shall be laid upthe whole Season if I move a step before Monday. So you will tell meall about the Royal Academy Private View, now won't you? _Miss Bee. _ Of course I will do my best; but you know my forte is notdescription. What do you want to know? _Lady Hay. _ Why, of course, who were there, and what they said, and(most important of all) what they wore. I hope, dear, you will noticeif they are wearing any of the new-fashioned bonnets, and if hats aregoing out. _Miss Bee. _ You may rely upon me, darling. _Lady Hay. _ And mind you get at the last bit of scandal. There oughtto be plenty about, now that people have come back from the Riviera. But, my dear, you know exactly what I should like, so it is useless toprompt you. I leave everything to your discretion. _Miss Bee. _ Quite so, darling. (_After a pause. _) I thought I hadforgotten something--how about the paintings? _Lady Hay. _ Oh, never mind them! They will keep until anotheroccasion! [_And as they will, Scene closes in on the Pictures. _ * * * * * [Illustration: GROVES OF BLARNEY. "AND IT'S A PERFECT MIRACLE THE SOUNDS YE MANAGE TO EXTRACT FROM THATOLD TIN KETTLE MISS CECILIA; SURE WE DON'T HEAR THE DUMB NOTES ATALL!"] * * * * * LIBERTY LOQUITUR. ["I am persuaded that the true interests of the entire working-classes of this country are bound up with respect for individual freedom, and that to overlook it, or to bring the smallest interference in restriction of it, unless under absolute necessity, would be a sad mistake upon the part of the working-classes. "--_Mr. Gladstone to the Deputation of Miners from Durham and Northumberland. _] I stand between you--Capital and Labour, -- And each of you invokes my "sacred name. " Sacred! Were love of freedom and one's neighbour Coöperant, claim would not conflict with claim. But heed my words, outspoken yet meant kindly; _I_ suffer whilst ye stone each other blindly. Solicitous--in speech--of my intactness, Ye damage and deface me in your strife. Your aims, expressed with full and fair exactness. Mean fratricidal strife, war to the knife. Encounter hot, and fierce retaliation Must vainly prate about conciliation. Union is strength; but banded for oppression Toilers are tyrants, and employers--knaves. Plain speech! Monopolist wealth in high possession Treated its scattered thralls as serfs and slaves. And now the lesson of the scourge and fetter Emancipated toil would learn--and better. Divide and govern! That, beneath all glosing About Free Labour, is Wealth's motto still; Ingenious fudge on shallow wits imposing, On banded Labour to impose its will, Capital needs (and lauds) Labour _unbanded_. The Many-headed dreads the Many-handed! But set one half his hands against the other, And e'en Briareus may be safely tackled. Whilst "Unionist" is foiled by "Blackleg" brother, Labour fights Capital with limbs half shackled. Hence Federations chant, in sweet communion, Hymns to the blessed Liberty of _non_-Union! And Labour, which loves Liberty--of striking, Hates "Blackleg" freedom with a furious hate. "_Make_ all men do according to _my_ liking!" Seems now the cry all round us in the State. Monopolist, Miner, Temperance fanatic, All crave compulsion with a force emphatic. But Legal Eight Hours Day, or Local Veto, "Blackleg" suppression, Anti-Union law, Mean "make the others to myself say ditto!" "Restriction" is the newest ass's-jaw For slaying all our foes, from Wealth to Drink, Hailed with applause, save by the few who think. If from proved ill to legal prohibition Were step as plain and proper as some deem, To diagnose (and cure) the State's condition Were easy as some Socialistic dream. But Looking Backward--or e'en forward--'s found Poor substitute for wisdom's look all round. Labour, you would be free to fix your wages; Capital, you'd be free to pick your men: Love of free Union the one's tongue engages, Love of free "Knobsticks" fires the other's pen; But love of Freedom for her own fair self, -- How much of it moves Poverty or Pelf? Eight hours in the dark coal-seam, good friend Labour, Humanity admits more than enough. But _fix it so_, whilst neighbour wars' with neighbour, And mine with mine about it? Task too tough, Too desperate dilemma, for a Statesman, Why you can't settle it with your own mates, man! Capital, _does_ your passion for Toil's Freedom Mean much more than desire to smash Toil's Union? He sells his birthright for the mess of Edom, The "Blackleg" ESAU selling Work's communion Into the bonds of Wealth, well knit and strong, His comrades say. Are they entirely wrong? Thus Individual Freedom suffers scath On all sides. Can you plead Necessity's fiat? For _me_ you boast your love, proclaim your faith, But, battered by the missiles you let fly at Each other, I with ROLAND, cry in shame, What tyrannous things are done in Freedom's name! * * * * * [Illustration: TAKING A "BREATHER. " GRAND OLD MINER. "DON'T KNOW HOW I SHOULD GET THROUGH WITH MY WORK, IFI WERE TIED DOWN TO EIGHT HOURS A DAY!"] * * * * * FALBULOUS! DR. FALB, of Vienna, knows when earthquakes and eruptions are going tooccur. Mr. MORLEY said, the other day, in the House of Commons, thatthe best way of treating a prophet was not to believe him; but thisis rather difficult when the prophet happens to be right, as Dr. FALBgenerally is. For example, he predicted the last terrible earthquakeat Zante, which only came one day before it was due. Dr. FALB hasbeen interviewed about how he does it, --or perhaps it would bemore appropriate to say, that he has been subjected to some mild"Heckling"--and he appears to hold that it is the action of the Moonon the tides which is responsible. In support of his theory it hasbeen noticed that it is quite a custom of the people at Zante, aftertheir houses have fallen in on their heads, to observe--"That wasa tidy shock!" These predictions should help them to tide over theperiods of danger. * * * * * COURT OUT! [Illustration: One of the Points of the Piece. The Queen of theAmazons gets the Needle. ] What is an "Original Farcical Romance"? The immediate reply is that_The Amazons_, by Mr. PINERO, is a specimen of the genus. To see _TheAmazons_ ought to supply the terms of the required definition. I haveseen it, and yet the definition does not satisfy me. "_Original_"!Well--more or less; but to use old materials in a novel manner isquite enough for originality. The girl brought up as a boy is notabsolutely new or original, _vide_ _Tom Noddy's Secret_, and multiplythe heroine of that farce by three. The three men hunting after thethree girls and obtaining access to them at school--substituting, inthis case, home for school, and a mother for a school-mistress--is notabsolutely new or original; but, again, what matters this to anyone, so long as the new shape given to the old material is genuinelyamusing? So "farcical" goes with "original. " But now, as to its beinga "Romance?" Would not the term "burlesque" be a better term than"Farcical Romance?" The characters of the three adventurous loversare not less burlesque than were those of the three Knights in ALBERTSMITH'S romantic Extravaganza, _The Alhambra_, played then by ALFREDWIGAN, and Mr. And Mrs. KEELEY. So if I may take it that "FarcicalRomance" is only a way out of describing the piece as "burlesque, "then I know how to class it, and what to expect. Now I must own thatmy puzzlement is due to my own fault, for it so chanced that I did notlook at the author's description of his play until after leaving thetheatre. I thought I was seeing something that was intended to be asbroad a farce as _Bébé, alias Betsy_, but I soon found that, whateverit might be, it wasn't this. It is capitally acted by all, butespecially, on "the Spear Side, " by Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH and F. KERR, the former as an effeminate Earl, and the latter as a manly Viscount. But, even from a burlesque point of view, Mr. ELLIOT overdoes theFrenchman, a part which belongs to a stage-family of Frenchmen, ofwhich, in former times, ALFRED WIGAN was the best representative; and, later, Mons. MARIUS, who, as the French sporting nobleman, in _FamilyTies_, in love with an English "Mees, " and so proud of his Englishslang, was simply the character to the life, without any moreexaggeration than was artistically necessary. On "the Spindle Side, "Miss LILY HANBURY looks handsome, and is generally fairly well-suited;Miss PATTIE BROWNE has the most difficult part of the three, and it isnot to be wondered at if she a bit out-tommies _Tommy_. Miss ELLALINETERRIS looks, acts, and sings charmingly as _Lady Wilhelmina_, andMiss CALDWELL gives a good touch of low comedy to "the Sergeant. " The places where the fun comes in, as it does occasionally, and istherefore the more precious, are chiefly with WEEDON GROSSMITH, and inthe scenes between Mr. F. KERR and Miss HANBURY. The piece is not upto the former "screamers, " such as _Dandy Dick_, _The Magistrate_, and_My Aunt_, or whatever was the title of the farce in which Mr. WEEDONGROSSMITH played the part of Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S solicitor. The sceneryby Mr. HALL is Hall good, specially the woodland scene in OvercotePark. [Illustration: "We loathe Music. "] * * * * * "MUCH ADO ABOUT _NIL_. "--Were the Temporal Power in existence, theLORD MAYOR, in proposing the toast of the POPE before that of theQUEEN, would have been guilty of a blunder, and we all know, onTALLEYRAND'S authority, how far worse is a blunder than a crime. Butthe POPE, being no longer "two single gentlemen rolled into one, " butsimply, as it might be set down in a Play-bill of _Dramatis Personæ_, "First Bishop, " and also by his own style and title, "_ServusServorum_, " the health of His Holiness (which is uncommonly good)might, in British Dominions, be introduced after that of the QUEEN andRoyal Family, and could be fitted into Church and State as neatlyas possible, that is, where such a toast is a necessity of theentertainment. But the stupidity of the incident has been surpassed bythe idiocy of the notice taken of it, and, for the sake of the commonsense of the Common Council, it is to be hoped that a large majoritywill be on the side of Alderman and Sheriff RENALS, and refuse totoast the LORD MAYOR on the Gridiron of LAWRENCE. * * * * * [Illustration] DRURY LANE OPERA RECORD. --_Bohemian Girl_ going strong, _CavalleriaRusticana_ still the attraction. "Happy Thought" (_vide_ DRURIOLANUS'SDiary)--"Revive _La Juive_. " Done it! and done it well. GIANNINI, as_Eleazaro_, excellent. _Rachele_ not up to RACHEL in acting (for thosewho may remember that _tragédienne_), but Mlle. GHERLSEN, representingthe Jew's daughter, does what the great RACHEL could not do, that is, sing. _La Juive_ will be given during the Covent Garden season; sothese performances may be considered as very superior rehearsals. _Carmen_ on Thursday, instead of _Il Trovatore_. --the _Trovatore_being _Il_, couldn't appear. With all due sympathy and respect for_Trovatore_, _Carmen_ was gratefully received. Signor PIGNALOSA, as the _Toréador_, very good, and obtained his _encore_; so _this__Toréador_ was "_contento_. " Mlle. GUERCIA was a fascinating _Carmen_, and what is any _Carmen_ if not fascinating? * * * * * TAKEN IN, BUT NOT DONE FOR. (_Overflow Letters, probably originally intended for a Contemporary. _) SIR, --No doubt you have seen in the papers recently a number ofletters, giving accounts of the stoppage of cabs by well-dressed youngmen, who, after heartily greeting the occupants, have asked for theloan of a sovereign. The other day something of the same sortoccurred to me. I got into an omnibus, when a man, purporting to be aConductor, asked me for my fare. I replied that I would pay him lateron. He then proceeded to mount to the roof, apparently to collectother money, when I quickly descended. I firmly believe that, hadI not acted promptly, I should have been defrauded of three-pence. Believe me, yours, &c. , VIGILANT. SIR, --I think you should know the last dodge. I was walking home froma rather heavy dinner the other evening, when I came across a manexactly like myself. He might have been my twin brother. He didn't sayanything, but put out his hand towards me as if asking for alms. Ofcourse I refused, as I could see that the man was drunk. A littlelater I was escorted home by a policeman. The next morning, when Igot to the spot where I had been accosted by this silently-beggingstranger, I found a looking-glass. The police say they have thematter in hand, but they do not see much prospect of finding theoriginal. --T. O'BACCUS. SIR, --As a warning to the less wary, I beg to send you the followingparticulars:--A short time ago I met at a Charity Banquet an Aldermanwho was apparently a most excellent gentleman; and I lay a stress uponthis fact to show how deceptive are appearances. After the speeches, my City friend said he would like to subscribe to the benefaction. Heasked me if I had change for a five-pound note. I replied I had onlyfour pounds. He said that that would do, and that I could forwardhim the additional sovereign at my leisure. I then handed over thequartette of golden coins in exchange for his bank-note. Immediatelyafterwards I quitted the apartment to ascertain if the note wasgenuine. I have not seen the Alderman since. I may add that althoughI believe the draft a forgery, I have received its full alleged valuefrom the Bank of England. CAUTION. * * * * * [Illustration: (H)ART-TEACHING IN A NUTSHELL. _Cockney Art-Teacher_ (_to ambitious Amateur, who rather fancieshimself, but has come for a few "Finishing" Lessons_). "NOW, YER KNOW, WHAT I SAY IS, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A ARTIST, YER SHOULD TRY TO MIKEIT _SOMETHING LIKE!_"] * * * * * THE TWO HENRIES. --Congratulations to Sir HENRY ISAACS. The other SirHENRY, which his name is HAWKINS, the Judge, observed that he had "aconviction that the case against Sir H. ISAACS ought not to go to ajury. " So one HENRY had a conviction, and the other hadn't. * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. _House of Commons, Monday, April 11. _--LORD MAYOR OF DUBLIN dropped into pass time of day with SPEAKER. Accompanied by a score of his merryCouncilmen, arrayed in scarlet cloaks trimmed with costly furs. Madeordinary Members in black coats feel very small. T. D. SULLIVAN, theBard of Erin, long known at Westminster, is also Member of DublinCorporation. Brought over his scarlet robes; took his seat withinthe Bar; other Members of Corporation, of course, kept outside sacredprecincts. Some little disturbance at door when LORD MAYOR arrived inprocession, preceded by Mace, and accompanied by Sword-Bearer. Thesewanted to enter House, and support his Lordship as he stood at Bar inalien assembly. "You enter only across my body, " said the Serjeant-at-Arms, lightly, but firmly, touching the hilt of his terrible brand. A moment's awful pause. The sword brought over from Ireland would, in weight and cubic capacity, have made ten of the rapier to whichERSKINE of Cardross had significantly called attention. When, later, it peacefully rested behind doorkeeper's chair, its mighty hilt roseabove topmost height like the cross on a cathedral spire. Sword-Bearerlooked at LORD MAYOR; Mace-Bearer grasped with both hands shaft ofhis ponderous weapon. Both warriors accustomed to public meetings inDublin; knew what was expected of them by way of argument. LORD MAYORhappily in placable mood. Readjusting around his neck the collar ofgold (the very one "MALACHI won from the proud Invader"), he bowed hishead; Mace and Sword were deposited behind doorkeeper's chair, and hisLordship strode in, escorted by the crimson-gowned, fur-betrimmed CityFathers. LORD MAYOR, supported on either side by a stately Alderman, stood atBar holding what at first sight looked like a shillelagh. "What have you there, my LORD MAYOR OF DUBLIN?" asked the SPEAKER, intones so stern they made the sword rattle in the scabbard on the otherside of the closed door. Nothing escapes SPEAKER'S Eye when he pleases to bring it to bear ona particular focus. Had seen the implement in LORD MAYOR'S hand;insisted upon knowing all about it before proceedings went further. Turned out to be nothing more dangerous than petition from Corporationof Dublin in favour of Home-Rule Bill. SPEAKER, instantly mollified, allowed it to be read; after which LORD MAYOR, bowing, retired; Maceand Sword found all right, and possession resumed. As the thin redstreak filed out of doorway, T. D. S. Still lingering in seat byCross Benches, said, as he looked admiringly upon the befurred crimsonrobes. "Reminds me, TOBY, of a line from GOLDSMITH. You remember it in_The Deserted Village?_ 'With blossom'd furze, unprofitably gay. '" _Business done. _--Eighth Night Debate on Home-Rule Bill. _Tuesday. _--Found VICARY GIBBS (well-known firm, SONS AND ANTONYGIBBS, of the City and the Universe) rather in dumps to-night. Been aburglar at family mansion in Regent's Park; the Firm at dinner;SONS standing a little meal for ANTONY; burglar took opportunity ofentering by bedroom window, first observing precaution of screwingup doors, and other entrances and exits, so that he might pursuehis vocation with that certainty of non-disturbance upon which allwell-bred burglars insist. Loot considerable, Providence blessing theburglar with tea-pots and spoons to extent that would have excitedenvy in heart of HANS BREITMANN. "Well, cheer up, " I said to young VICARY; "awkward, of course, to losethis property; some of it, probably, heirlooms; at least, there was nobloodshed. You should be thankful for that. " [Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY GOLF HANDICAP. ] "Not at all, " said VICARY, the light of Ulster battle ditches flamingin his eyes. "I should like to have shed some myself. But it isn'tthat, nor is it the material jewels whose disappearance I lament. Theyare things that are bought and sold; they may be replaced. Fact is, old friend" (hate to see a strong young man sobbing), "there was morethan that. " "I didn't see anything else mentioned in the papers, " I remarked. "No; we resolved to bear our burden among ourselves. I don't mindtelling you, that beside the brooches, bracelets, chains, rings, andother things of that sort, the fellows stole the notes I had made forspeech on Home-Rule Bill. Been here night after night since debateopened, sitting patiently waiting to catch SPEAKER'S eye. Have givenup my dinner and other evening delights; night after night SPEAKERhas passed me over. I waited on; everything has its compensation;the enforced delay proved invaluable, as supplying opportunity forimproving original draft of speech. As I sat and listened, greatthoughts surged through my mind; happy illustrations flashed upon me;irresistible arguments were slowly moulded. Jotted 'em all down. Notesgetting, perhaps, a little long; couldn't have managed to work themoff in less than two hours; but House would, I know, have sufferedgladly for that time, or even longer. An audience that has survivedtwo hours of ASMEAD BARTLETT (Knight) is not disposed to mincematters. Last night resolved to get it over: told PRINCE ARTHUR totell AKERS-DOUGLAS to arrange with SPEAKER to call me as near teno'clock as possible. Went home for slight repast; placed notesof speech on dressing-table; thought with passing pleasure of thepoliceman we have kept these thirty years perambulating St. Dunstan'sin view of possible burglar, and went to dinner. When I trippedupstairs, meaning to go down to House, found notes gone, and, incidentally, £2000 worth of jewellery. I won't disguise from you, TOBY old man, my private conviction that the whole thing was a plant. Mr. GLADSTONE'S _at the bottom of it!_" _Business done. _--Ninth Night Debate on Home-Rule Bill. _Thursday. _--SEXTON made five speeches to-night, each sufficient ofitself to lay foundation of parliamentary reputation. Had he spreadthem over the Session, or even distributed them throughout a month, would have scored great success. Unhappily worked them all off atsingle sitting, without other interval than succession of long pauses, arbitrarily introduced. Fancy he felt he must do something to maintainancient reputation. GRANDOLPH and JOHN MORLEY spoke for two hourseach, whilst few, having caught SPEAKER'S eye, let go under ninetyminutes. SEXTON must needs beat record; did it, talking for two hoursand half by Westminster clock! Had an hour and a half served, speechwould have been worthy to rank with those of ASQUITH, JOHN REDMOND, and DAVITT. As it is, case one of oratorial suicide. CARSON followed;quite moderate in comparison. Spoke for little over an hour. When hesat down, it was after eight o'clock; more that one-half of possiblelength of sitting exhausted; only two Members taken part in Debate. "Debate d'ye call it, " said LORD MORRIS, looking on from the Peer'sGallery. "It's preaching rather--pragmatical prosing, the death ofuseful Parliamentary discussion. " [Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY POLKA. "PAIRS PLEASE!"] House left in almost comatose state. Someone faintly moved Count;MARJORIEBANKS, who had not suffered the four hours' talk, and who, bycomparison with rest, seemed supernaturally active, managed to bringin what was left of forty Members, and conversation drowsily proceededto appointed hour of closing. _Business done. _--Eleventh Night. _Scheherazade. _ "And so, my Lord, he drew his scimitar, and was aboutto---- But excuse me, Sultan, I observe, through the oriel window, something that looks remarkably like the streak of dawn, and, if youdon't mind, I'll continue the story to-morrow night. " _Schahriah, Sultan of Persia. _ "Thank you, no my dear, I have some dimrecollection that, in a former state, this sort of thing went on fora Thousand and One Nights, ending in the most agreeable manner to theprincipal personages concerned. But that, you will admit, was in othercircumstances. The world, and we, were younger then. Eleven nights ofthis is enough for me, and, if you would be so good as to step intothe next room, I will give instructions for your being--excuse thisyawn--bowstrung. " (_Extracted from "The Newest Arabian Nights. "_) [Illustration: Demon-Trap for Reporters. ] _Saturday_, 1. 15 A. M. --Members streaming back from Division Lobby;Mr. G. Down on stroke of One o'clock: splendid speech--a mental andphysical miracle; for little over an hour he entranced an audiencestill suffering from two hours of HENRY JAMES, throughout whichthe eminent jurist sank below lowest level hitherto known of hisParliamentary capacity. PRINCE ARTHUR at his best; in brisk fightingmood, hitting out right and left; stirring TIM HEALY'S soul withsurging desire to get up and reply. No opportunity so TIM snapped athim across Gangway, PRINCE ARTHUR cutting back with ever-smiling face. When, just now Mr. G. Walked in from Division Lobby, Liberals andIrish Members leaped to their feet, welcoming him with waving hats, and strident cheers. A moving scene, introducing announcement that, in House of 651 Members, every absentee accounted for, Ministerialmajority ran up to 43. _Business done. _--Home-Rule Bill read SecondTime.