Transcriber's Note: Text that was printed in italics in the originaldocument is shown between _underscore characters_ and the oe ligatureis shown as [oe]. 

[Illustration: BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO. ]

 OLYMPIAN NIGHTS

 by

 JOHN KENDRICK BANGS

 Author of "A House-Boat on the Styx" "The Pursuit of the House-Boat" "The Enchanted Type-writer" Etc. Etc. 

 [Illustration]

 New York and London Harper & Brothers Publishers

 1902

 HARPER & BROTHERS. 

 Published June, 1902. 

CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE

I. I REACH MOUNT OLYMPUS 1

II. I SEEK SHELTER AND FIND IT 17

III. THE ELEVATOR BOY 33

IV. I SUMMON A VALET 53

V. THE OLYMPIAN LINKS 70

VI. IN THE DINING-ROOM 88

VII. ÆSCULAPIUS, M. D. 110

VIII. AT THE ZOO 131

IX. SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PALACE OF JUPITER 155

X. AN EXTRAORDINARY INTERVIEW 175

XI. A ROYAL OUTING 192

XII. I AM DISMISSED 212

ILLUSTRATIONS

BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO. _Frontispiece_

HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS _Facing p. _ 8

A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE " 22

IN THE ELEVATOR " 30

"'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'" " 42

"ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING" " 60

"JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM" " 64

THE OLYMPIAN LINKS " 84

CARING FOR THE CALVES " 104

"'THEN YOU MUST DIE'" " 112

I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS " 118

CALLISTO " 140

I MEET THE PH[OE]NIX " 150

"'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'" " 166

"THE DOOR WAS LOCKED" " 180

"'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I--THAT OLD MAN--WE'" " 190

OLYMPIAN NIGHTS

I

I Reach Mount Olympus

While travelling through the classic realms of Greece some years ago, sincerely desirous of discovering the lurking-place of a certain warwhich the newspapers of my own country were describing with somevividness, I chanced upon the base of the far-famed Mount Olympus. Night was coming on apace and I was tired, having been led during theday upon a wild-goose chase by my guide, who had assured me that hehad definitely located the scene of hostilities between the Greeksand the Turks. He had promised that for a consideration I shouldwitness a conflict between the contending armies which in itssanguinary aspects should surpass anything the world had yet known. Whether or not it so happened that the armies had been booked for apublic exhibition elsewhere, unknown to the talented bandit who wasacting as my courier, I am not aware, but, as the event transpired, the search was futile, and another day was wasted. Most annoying, too, was the fact that I dared not manifest the impatience which Inaturally felt. I am not remarkable as a specimen of the strong man;quite the reverse indeed, for, while I am by no means a weakling, I amno adept in the fistic art. Hence, when my guide, Hippopopolis byname, as the sun sank behind the western hills, informed me that Iwas again to be disappointed, the fact that he stands six feet two inhis stockings, when he wears them, and has a pleasing way of bendingcrowbars as a pastime, led me to conceal the irritation which I felt. 

"It's all right, Hippopopolis, " I said, swallowing my wrath. "It's allright. We've had a good bit of exercise, anyhow, and that, after all, is the chief desideratum to a man of a sedentary occupation. How manymiles have we walked?"

"Oh, about forty-three, " he said, calmly. "A short distance, yourExcellency. "

"Very--very short, " said I, rubbing my aching calves. "In my owncountry I make a practice of walking at least a hundred every day. It's quite a pleasing stroll from my home in New York over toPhiladelphia and back. I hope I shall be able to show it you someday. "

"It will be altogether charming, Excellency, " said he. "Shallwe--ah--walk back to Athens now, or would you prefer to rest here forthe night?"

"I--I guess I'll stay here, Hippopopolis, " I replied. "This seems tobe a very comfortable sort of a mountain in front of us, and the airis soft. Suppose we rest in the soothing shade for the night? It wouldbe quite an adventure. "

"As your Excellency wishes, " he replied, tossing a bowlder into theair and catching it with ease as it came down. "It is not often done, but it is for you to say. "

"What mountain is it, Hippopopolis?" I asked, turning and gazing atthe eminence before us. 

"It is Mount Olympus, " he answered. 

"What?" I cried. "Not the home of the gods?"

"The very same, your Excellency, " he acquiesced. "At least, that isthe report. It is commonly stated hereabouts that the god-trust hasits headquarters here. As for myself, I have explored its every nookand cranny, but I never saw any gods on it. It's my private opinionthat they've moved away; though there be those who claim that it isstill occupied by the former rulers of destiny living incog. Likeother well-born rogues who desire to avoid notoriety. "

Hippopopolis is a decided democrat in his views, and has less respectfor the King than he has for the peasant. 

"I shouldn't call them rogues exactly, " I ventured. "Some of 'em werea pretty respectable lot. There was Apollo and old Jupiter himself, and--"

"Oh, you can't tell me anything about them, " retorted Hippopopolis. "Ihaven't been born and bred in this country for nothing, yourExcellency. They were a bad lot all through. Shall I prepare yoursupper?"

"If you please, Hippopopolis, " said I, throwing myself down beneath ahuge tree and giving myself up to the reveries of the moment. I didnot deem it well to interpose too strongly between Hippopopolis andhis views of the immortals just then. He had always a glitter in hiseye when any one ventured to controvert his assertions which made adebate with him a thing to be apprehended. Still, I did not exactlylike to yield, for, to tell the truth, the Olympian folk have alwaysinterested me hugely, and, while I would not of course endorse any oneof them for a high public trust in these days, I have admired them fortheir many remarkable qualities. 

"Of course, " said I, reverting to the question a few moments later, asHippopopolis opened a box of sardines and set the bread a-toasting onthe fire he had made. "Of course, I should not venture to say that I, a stranger, know as much about the private habits of the gods as doyou, who have been their neighbor; but that they are rogues is news tome. "

"That may be, too, " said Hippopopolis. "People are often thought moreof by strangers than by their own fellow-townsmen. Even you, sir, Imight suspect, who are by these simple Greeks supposed to be a sort ofreigning sovereign in your own country, are not at home, perhaps, solarge a hill of potatoes. So with Jupiter and Apollo and Mercury, andthe ladies of the court. I haven't a doubt that in the United Statesyou think Jupiter a remarkably great man, and Apollo a musician, andMercury a gentleman of some business capacity, but we Greeks knowbetter. And as for the ladies--hum--well, your Excellency, they arenot received. They are too bold and pushing. They lack therefinements, and as for their beauty and accomplishments--"

Hippopopolis here indulged in a gesture which betokened excessivescorn of the beauty and accomplishments of the ladies of Olympus. 

"You have never seen these people, Hippopopolis?" I asked. 

"I have been spared that necessity, " said he, "but I know all aboutthem, and I assert to you upon my honor as a courier and the bestguide in the Archipelago that Jupiter is the worst old _roué_ acountry ever had saddled upon it; Apollo's music would drive you madand make you welcome a xylophone duet; and as for Mercury's businesscapacity, that is merely a capacity for getting away from hiscreditors. Why shouldn't a man wax rich if, after floating a thousandbogus corporations, selling the stock at par and putting the moneyinto his own pocket, he could unfold his wings and fly off into theempyrean, leaving his stock and bond holders to mourn their loss?"

[Illustration: HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS]

"Excuse me, Hippopopolis, " I put in, interrupting him fearlessly forthe moment, "pray don't try to deceive me by any such statement asthat. I don't know very much, but I know something about Mercury, andwhen you say he puts other people's money into his pockets, I am in aposition to prove otherwise. From five years of age up to the presenttime I have been brought up in a home where a bronze statue ofMercury, said to be the most perfect resemblance in all the statuaryof the world, classic or otherwise, has been the most conspicuousornament. At ten I could reproduce on paper with my pencil every line, every shade, every curve, every movement of the effigy in so far asmy artistic talent would permit, and I know that Mercury not only hadno pocket, but wore no garments in which even so little as a changepocket could have been concealed. Wherefore there must be some mistakeabout your charge. "

Hippopopolis laughed. 

"Humph!" he said. "It is very evident that you people over the seahave very superficial notions of things here. When Mercury posed forthat statue, like most of you people who have your photographs taken, he posed in full evening dress. That is why there is so little of itin evidence. But in his business suit, Mercury is a very differentsort of a person. Even in Olympus he'd have been ruled off the stockexchange if he'd ventured to appear there as scantily attired as he isin most of his statuary appearances. You certainly are not so green asto suppose that that suit he wears in his statues is the whole extentof his wardrobe?"

"I had supposed so, " I confessed. "It's a trifle unconventional; but, then, he's one of the gods, and, I presumed, could dress as hepleased. Your gods are independent, I should imagine, of the meredecrees of fashion. "

"The more exalted one's position, the greater the sartorialobligation, " retorted Hippopopolis, who, for a Greek and a guide, had, as will be seen, a vocabulary of most remarkable range. "Just as ithappens that our King here, like H. R. H. The Prince of Wales, has tobe provided with seven hundred and sixty-eight suits of clothes so asto be properly clad at the variety of functions he is required tograce, so does a god have to be provided with a wardrobe of rarequality and extent. For drawing-room tables, mantel-pieces, andpedestals, otherwise for statuary, Mercury can go about clad in justabout half as much stuff as it would require to cover a fairly sizedsofa-cushion and not arouse drastic criticism; but when he goes tobusiness he is as well provided with pockets as any other speculator. "

"Another idol shattered!" I cried, in mock grief. "But Apollo, Hippopopolis--Apollo! Do not tell me he is not a virtuoso of raretechnique on the lyre!"

"His technique is more than rare, " sneered Hippopopolis. "It isexcessively raw. It has been said by men who have heard both that Neroof Hades can do more to move an audience with his fiddle with twostrings broken and his bow wrist sprained than Apollo can do with theaid of his lyre and a special dispensation of divine inspiration fromZeus himself. "

"There are various ways of moving audiences, Hippopopolis, " Iventured. "Now Nero, I should say, could move an audience--out of thehall--in a very few moments. In fact, I have always believed that thatis why he fiddled when Rome was burning: so that people would run outof the city limits before they perished. "

"It's a very droll view, " laughed Hippopopolis, "and I dare say holdsmuch of the truth; but Nero's faulty execution is not proof ofApollo's virtuosity. For a woodland musicale given by the Dryads, say, to their friends, the squirrels and moles and wild-cats, and otherdenizens of the forest, Apollo will suffice. The musical taste of akangaroo might find the strumming of his lyre by Apollo to its liking, but for cultivated people who know a crescendo andante-arpeggio fromthe staccato tones of a penny whistle, he is inadequate. "

"You speak as if you had heard the god, " said I. 

"I have not, " retorted Hippopopolis, "but I have heard playing bypeople, generally beginners, of whom the rural press has said thathe--or more often she--has the touch of an Apollo, and, if that istrue, as are all things we read in the newspapers, particularly therural papers, which are not so sophisticated as to lie, then Apollowould better not attempt to play at one of our Athenian CourierAssociation Smokers. I venture to assert that if he did he would haveto be carried home with a bandage about his brow instead of a laurel, and his cherished lyre would become but a memory. "

I turned sadly to my supper. I had found the mundane things of Greecedisappointing enough, but my sorrow over Hippopopolis's experttestimony as to the shortcoming of the gods was overwhelming. It wasto be expected that the country would fall into a decadent statesooner or later, but that the Olympians themselves were not all thatthey were cracked up to be by the mythologies had never suggesteditself to me. As a result of my courier's words, I lapsed into a moodysilence, which by eight o'clock developed into an irresistible desireto sleep. 

"I'll take a nap, Hippopopolis, " said I, rolling my coat into a bundleand placing it under my head. "You will, I trust, be good enough tostand guard lest some of these gods you have mentioned come and pickmy pockets?" I added, satirically. 

"I will see that the gods do not rob you, " he returned, dryly, with aslight emphasis on the word "gods, " the significance of which I didnot at the moment take in, but which later developments made all tooclear. 

Three minutes later I slept soundly. 

At ten o'clock, about, I awoke with a start. The fire was out and Iwas alone. Hippopopolis had disappeared and with him had gone mywatch, the contents of my pocket-book, my letter of credit, andeverything of value I had with me, with the exception of myshirt-studs, which, I presume, would have gone also had they not beenfastened to me in such a way that, in getting them, Hippopopolis wouldhave had to wake me up. 

To add to my plight, the rain was pouring down in torrents. 

II

I Seek Shelter and Find It

"This is a fine piece of business, " I said to myself, springing to myfeet. And then I called as loudly as my lungs would permit forHippopopolis. It was really exhilarating to do so. The name lendsitself so readily to a sonorous effect. The hills fairly echoed andre-echoed with the name, but no answer came, and finally I gave up indisgust, seeking meanwhile the very inadequate shelter of a tree, tokeep the rain off. A more woe-begone picture never presented itself, Iam convinced. I was chilled through, shivering in the dampness of thenight, a steady stream of water pouring upon and drenching myclothing, void of property of an available nature, and lost in astrange land. To make matters worse, I was familiar only with classicGreek, which language is utterly unknown in those parts to-day, beingspoken only by the professors of the American school at Athens and thewar correspondents of the New York Sunday newspapers--a fact, by theway, which probably accounts for the latter's unfamiliarity withclassic English. It is too much in these times to expect a man tospeak or write more than one language at a time. Even if I survivedthe exposure of the night, a horrid death by starvation stared me inthe face, since I had no means of conveying to any one who mightappear the idea that I was hungry. 

Still, if starvation was to be my lot, I preferred to starve drylyand warmly; so, deserting the tree which was now rather worse as arefuge than no refuge at all, since the limbs began to trickle forthsteady streams of water, which, by some accursed miracle of choice, seemed to consider the back of my neck their inevitable destination, Istarted in to explore as best I could in the uncanny light of thenight for some more sheltered nook. Feeling, too, that, having robbedme, Hippopopolis would become an extremely unpleasant person toencounter in my unarmed and exhausted state, I made my way up themountainside, rather than down into the valley, where my inconsiderateguide was probably even then engaged in squandering my hard-earnedwealth, in company with the peasants of that locality, who see realmoney so seldom that they ask no unpleasant questions as to whence ithas come when they do see it. 

"Under the circumstances, " thought I, "I sincerely hope that the pathsof Hippopopolis and myself may lie as wide as the poles apart. If sobe we do again tread the same path, I trust I shall see him in time tobe able to ignore his presence. "

With this reflection I made my way with difficulty up the side ofOlympus. Several times it seemed to me that I had found the spotwherein I might lie until the sun should rise, but quite as often aninconsiderate leak overhead through the leaves of the trees, or anundiscovered crack in the rocks above me, sent me travelling upon myway. Physical endurance has its limits, however, and at the end of atwo hours' climb, wellnigh exhausted, I staggered into an openingbetween two walls of rock, and fell almost fainting to the ground. The falling rain revived me, and on my hands and knees I crawledfarther in, and, to my great delight, shortly found myself in ahigh-ceiled cavern, safe from the storm, a place in which one mightstarve comfortably, if so be one had to pass through that tryingordeal. 

"He might have left me my flask, " I groaned as I thought over the pintof warming liquid which Hippopopolis had taken from me. It was of aparticular sort, and I liked it whether I was thirsty or not. "If he'donly left me that, he might have had my letter of credit, and noquestions asked. These Greeks are apparently not aware that there isconsideration even among thieves. "

Huddling myself together, I tried to get warm after the fashion of thesmall boy when he jumps into his cold-sheeted bed on a winter's night, a process which makes his legs warm the upper part of his body, and_vice versa_. It was moderately successful. If I could have wrung thewater out of my clothes, it might have been wholly so. Still, mattersbegan to look more cheerful, and I was about to drop off into a doze, when at the far end of the cavern, where all had hitherto been blackas night, there suddenly burst forth a tremendous flood of light. 

"Humph!" thought I, as the rays pierced through the blackness of thecavern even to where I lay shivering. "I'm in for it now. In allprobability I have stumbled upon a bandits' cave. "

Pleasing visions of the ways of bandits began to flit through my mind. 

"In all likelihood, " thought I, "there are seventeen of them. As Ihave read my fiction, there are invariably seventeen bandits to aband. It's like sixteen ounces to the pound, or three feet to theyard, or fifty-three cents to the dollar. It never varies. What hopehave I to escape unharmed from seventeen bandits, even though five ofthem are discontented--as is always the case in books--and are readyto betray their chief to the enemy? I am the enemy, of course, butI'll be hanged if I wish the chief betrayed into my hands. He couldprobably thrash me single-handed. My hands are full anyhow, whether Iget the chief or not. "

[Illustration: A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE]

My heart sank into my boots; but as these were very wet, it promptlyreturned to my throat, where it had rested ever since Hippopopolis haddeserted me. My heart is a very sane sort of an organ. I gazed towardsthe light intently, expecting to see dark figures of murderous mouldloom up before me, but in this I was agreeably disappointed. Nothingof the sort happened, and I grew easier in my mind, although mycuriosity was by no means appeased. 

"I know what I will do, " I said to myself. "I'll make friends with thechief himself. That's the best plan. If he is responsive, my familywill be spared the necessity of receiving one of my ears by mail witha delicate request for $20, 000 ransom, accompanied by a P. S. Enclosing the other ear to emphasize the importance of thecomplication. "

By way of diversion, let me say here that, while slicing off thevictim's ear is a staple situation among novelists who write ofbandits, in all my experience with bandits--and I have known athousand, most of 'em in Wall Street--I have never known it done, andI challenge those who write of South European highway-robbers toproduce any evidence to prove that the habit is prevalent. The ideais, on the face of it, invalid. The ears of mankind, despite certaindifferences which are acknowledged, are, after all, very much alike. The point that differentiates one ear from another is the angle atwhich it is set from the head. The angle, according to the mostscientific students of the organ of hearing, is the basis of theestimate of the individual. Therefore, to convince the wealthy personsat home that large sums of money are expected of them to preserve thelife of the father of the family, the truly expert bandit must sendsomething besides the ear itself, which, when cut off, has no anglewhatsoever. If I, who am no bandit, and who have not studied the artof the banditti, may make a suggestion which may prove valuable to thehighwaymen of Italy and Greece, the only sure method of identifyingthe individual lies in the cutting off of the head of the victim, bywhich means alone the identity of the person to be ransomed may besettled beyond all question. As one who has suffered, I will say thatI would not send a check for $20, 000 to a bandit on the testimony ofone ear any more than I would lend a man ten dollars on his ownrepresentation as to the meals he had not had, the drinks he wanted, or the date upon which he would pay it back. 

All these ideas flashed across my mind as I lay there worn in spiritand chilled to the bone. At last, however, after a considerableeffort, I gathered myself together and resolved to investigate. I roseup, stood uncertainly on my feet, and was about to make my way towardsthe sources of the unexpected light, when a dark figure rushed pastme. I tried to speak to it. 

"Hello, there!" said I, hoping to gain its attention and ask itsadvice, since it came into the cavern in that breezy fashion whichbetokens familiarity with surroundings. The being, whatever it reallywas, and I was soon to find this out, turned a scornful and reallymajestic face upon me, as much as to say, "Who are you that shouldthus address a god?" The rushing thing wore a crown and flowing robes. Likewise it had a gray beard and an air of power which made me, a meremortal, seem weak even in my own estimation. Furthermore, there was adivine atmosphere following in his wake. It suggested the mostbrilliant of brilliantine. 

"Here, " he cried as he passed. "I haven't time to listen to yourstory, but here is my card. I have no change about me. Call upon meto-morrow and I will attend to your needs. "

The card fluttered to my side, and, not being a mendicant, I paidlittle attention to it, preferring to watch this fast-disappearingfigure until I should see whither it was going. Arriving at the farend of the cavern, the hurrying figure stopped and apparently pushed abutton at the side of the wall. Immediately an iron door, which I hadnot before perceived, was pushed aside. The dark figure disappearedinto what seemed to be a well-lighted elevator, and was promptlylifted out of sight. All became dark again, and I was frankly puzzled. This was a situation beyond my ken. What it could mean I could notsurmise, and in the hope of finding a clew to the mystery I gropedabout in the darkness for the card which the hurried individual hadcast at me with his words of encouragement. Ultimately I found it, butwas unable to decipher its inscription, if perchance it had one. Nevertheless, I managed to keep my spirits up. This, I think, was aHerculean task, considering the darkness and my extreme lonesomeness. I can be happy under adverse circumstances, if only I have congenialcompany. But to lie alone, in a black cavern, prey only to thethoughts of my environment, thoughts suggesting all things apart fromlife, thoughts which send the mind over the past a thousand centuriesremoved--these are not comforting, and these were the only thoughtsvouchsafed to me. 

A half-hour was thus passed in the darkness, and then the lightappeared again, and I resolved, though little strength was left to me, to seek out its source. I stood up and staggered towards it, and as Idrew nearer observed that the illumination came from nothing more norless than an elevator at the bottom of a shaft, the magnitude ofwhich I could not, of course, at the moment determine. 

The boy in charge was a pretty little chap, and, if I may so state it, was absolutely unclad, but about his shoulders was slung a strap whichin turn held a leathern bag, which, to my eyes, suggested a golf-bagmore than anything else, except that it was filled with arrows insteadof golf-clubs. 

"How do you do?" said I, politely. "Whose caddy are you?"

"Very well, " said the little lad. "Not much to brag of, however. Merely bobbish, pretty bobbish. In answer to your second question, Itake pleasure in informing you, " he added, "that I am everybody'scaddy. "

"You are--the elevator boy?" I queried, with some hesitation. 

"That is my present position, " said he. 

"And, ah, whither do you elevate, my lad?"

[Illustration: IN THE ELEVATOR]

"Up!" said he, after the manner of one who does not wish to commithimself, like most elevator boys. "But whom do you wish to see?" hedemanded, trying hard to frown and succeeding only in making aludicrous exhibition of himself. 

Frankly, I did not know, but under the impulse of the moment I handedout the card which the stranger had thrown to me. 

"I forget the gentleman's name, " said I, "but here is his card. Heasked me to call. "

The elevator boy glanced at it, and his manner immediately changed. 

"Oh, indeed. Very well, sir, " he said. "I'll take you up right away. Step lively, please. "

I stepped into the elevator, and the lad turned a wheel which set usupon our upward journey at once. 

"I am sorry to have been so rude to you, sir, " said the boy. "Ididn't really know you were a friend of his. "

"Of whom?" I demanded. 

"The old man himself, " he replied, with which he handed me back thecard I had given him, upon reading which I ascertained the name of theindividual who had rushed past me so unceremoniously. 

The card was this:

+--------------------------------+| || || || MR. JUPITER JOVE ZEUS || || MOUNT OLYMPUS || GREECE |+--------------------------------+

"Top floor, sir, " said the elevator boy, obsequiously. 

III

The Elevator Boy

"Known the old man long, sir?" queried the boy as we ascended. 

"By reputation, " said I. 

"Humph!" said the lad. "Can't have a very good opinion of him, then. It's a good thing you are going to have a little personal experiencewith him. He's not a bad lot, after all. Rotten things said of him, but then--you know, eh?"

"Oh, as for that, " said I, "I don't think his reputation is sodreadful. To be sure, there have been one or two little indiscretionsconnected with his past, and at times he has seemed a bit vindictivein chucking thunder-bolts at his enemies, but, on the whole, I fancyhe's behaved himself pretty well. "

"True, " said the boy. "And then you've got to take his bringing-upinto consideration. Things which would be altogether wrong in the sonof a Presbyterian clergyman would not be unbecoming in a descendant ofold Father Time. Jupiter is, after all, a self-made immortal, and thefact that his parents, old Mr. And Mrs. Cronos, let him grow up sortof wild, naturally left its impress on his character. "

"Of course, " said I, somewhat amused to hear the Thunderer's characteranalyzed by a mere infant. "But how about yourself, my laddie? Are youanybody in particular? You look like a cherub. "

"Some folks call me Dan, " said the boy, "and I _am_ somebody inparticular. Fact is, sir, if it hadn't been for me there wouldn'thave been anybody in particular anywhere. I'm Cupid, sir, God of Love, favorite son of Venus, at your service. "

"And husband of the delectable Psyche?" I cried, recalling certainfacts I had learned. "You look awfully young to be married. "

"Hum--well, I was, and I am, but we've separated, " the boy replied, with a note of sadness in his voice. "She was a very nice littleperson, that Psyche--one of the best ever, I assure you--but she wastoo much of a butterfly to be the perpetual confidante of a personcharged with such important matters as I am. Besides, she didn't geton with mother. "

"Seems to me that I have heard that Madame Venus did not approve ofthe match, " I vouchsafed. 

"No. She didn't from the start, " said Cupid. "Psyche was too pretty, and ma rather wanted to corner all the feminine beauty in our family;but I had my way in the end. I generally do, " the little chap added, with a chuckle. 

"But the separation, my dear boy?" I put in. "I am awfully sorry tohear of that. I, in common with most mortals, supposed that themarriage was idyllic. "

"It was, " said Cupid, "and therefore not practical enough to be a goodinvestment. You see, sir, there was a time when the love affairs ofthe universe were intrusted to my care. Lovers everywhere came to meto confide their woes, and I was doing a great business. Everybody waspleased with my way of conducting my department. I seemed to have aspecial genius for managing a love affair. Even persons who wereopposed to the administration conceded that the Under Secretary ofHome Affairs--myself--was assured of a cabinet office for life, whatever party was in power. If Pluto had been able to get elected, the force of public opinion would have kept me in office. Then Imarried, myself, and things changed. Like a dutiful husband, I had nosecrets from my wife. I couldn't have had if I had wanted to. Psyche'scuriosity was a close second to Pandora's, and, if she wanted to knowanything, there was never any peace in the family until she found outall about it. Still, I didn't wish to have any secrets from her. As ascientific expert in Love, I knew that the surest basis of a lastinghappiness lay in mutual confidence. Hence, I told Psyche all I knew, and it got her into trouble right away. "

"She--ah--couldn't keep a secret?" I asked. 

"At first she could, " said Cupid. "That was the cause of the firstrow between her and Venus. Mother got mad as a hatter with her onemorning after breakfast because Psyche _could_ keep a secret. Therewas a little affair on between Jupiter and a certain person whose nameI shall not mention, and I had charge of it. Of course, I told Psycheall about it, and in some way known only to woman she managed toconvey to Venus the notion that she knew all about it, but couldn'ttell, and, still further, wouldn't tell. I'd gone down-town tobusiness, leaving everything peaceful and happy, but when I got backto luncheon--Great Chaos, it was awful! The two ladies were not onspeaking terms, and I had to put on a fur overcoat to keep fromfreezing to death in the atmosphere that had arisen between them. Itwas six inches below zero--and the way those two would sniff and sneerat each other was a caution. "

"I quite understand the situation, " I said, sympathetically. 

"No doubt, " said Cupid. "You can also possibly understand how aquarrel between the only two women you ever loved could incapacitateyou for your duties. For ten days after that I was simply incapable ofdirecting the love affairs of the universe properly. Persons I'ddesigned for each other were given to others, and a great deal ofunhappiness resulted. There were nine thousand six hundred andseventy-six divorces as the result of that week's work. It's aterrible situation for a well-meaning chap to have to decide betweenhis wife and his mother. "

"Never had it, " said I; "but I can imagine it. "

"Don't think you can, " sighed Cupid. "There are situations in reallife, sir, which surpass the wildest flights of the imagination. Thatis why truth is stranger than fiction. However, " he added, his facebrightening, "it was a useful experience to me in my professionalwork. I learned for the first time that when a mother-in-law comes inat the door, intending to remain indefinitely, love flies out at thewindow. Or, as Solomon--I believe it was Solomon. He wrote Proverbs, did he not?"

"Yes, " said I. "He and Josh Billings. "

"Well, " vouchsafed Cupid, "I can't swear as to the authorship of theproverb, but some proverbialist said 'Two is company and three is acrowd. ' I'd never known that before, but I learned it then, and beganto stay away from home a little myself, so that we should not becrowded. "

I commended the young man for his philosophy. 

"Nevertheless, my dear Dan, " I added, "you ought to be moreautocratic. Knowing that two is company and three otherwise, you havebeen guilty of allowing many a young couple who have trusted in you tobegin house-keeping with an inevitable third person. We see it everyday among the mortals. "

"What has been good enough for me, sir, " the boy returned, with acomical assumption of sternness--he looked so like a fat baby of threejust ready for his bath--"is good enough for mortals. When I marriedPsyche, I brought her home to my mother's house, and for some nineteenthousand years we lived together. If Love can stand it, mortals must. "

"Excuse me, " said I, apologetically. "I have not suffered. However, inall my study of you mythologians, it has never occurred to me beforethis that Venus was the goddess of the mother-in-law. "

"You mustn't blame me for that, " said Cupid, dryly. "I'm the god ofLove; wisdom is out of my province. For what you don't know andhaven't learned you must blame Pallas, who is our Superintendent ofPublic Instruction. She knows it all--and she got it darned easy, too. She sprang forth from the head of Jove with a Ph. D. Already conferredupon her. She looks after the education of the world. I don't--butI'll wager you anything you please to put up that man gains more realexperience under my management than he does from Athena's department, useful as her work is. "

I could not but admit the truth of all that the boy said, and ofcourse I told him so. To change the subject, which, if pursued, mightlead to an exposure of my own ignorance, I said:

"But, Dan, what interests me most, and pains me most as well, is tohear that you are separated from Psyche. I do not wish to seeminquisitive on the subject of a--ah--of a man's family affairs"--Ihesitated in my speech because he seemed such a baby and it wasdifficult to take him seriously, as is always the way with Love, unless we are directly involved--"but you have told me of theseparation, and as a man, a newspaper-man, I am interested. Couldn'tyou reconcile your mother, Madame Venus, to Psyche--or, rather, Mrs. Dan?"

[Illustration: "'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'"]

"Not for a moment, " replied the boy. "Not for a millionth part of atenth of a quarter of a second by a stop-watch. Their irreconcilabilitywas copper-fastened, and I found myself compelled to choose betweenthem. My mother developed a gray hair the day after the first trouble, and my wife began to go out to afternoon teas and sewing-circles anddances. The teas and dances were all right. You can't talk at either. But the sewing-circle was ruin. At this particular time the circle wasengaged in making winter garments for the children of the mother ofthe Gracchi. I presume that as a student and as a father you realizeall that this meant. You also know that a sewing-circle needs fourthings: first, an object; second, a needle and thread; third, agarment; fourth, a subject for conversation. These things areconstitutionally required, and Psyche joined what she called 'TheImmortal Dorcas. ' The result was that all Olympus and half of Hadeswere shortly acquainted with the confidential workings of mydepartment--all told under the inviolate bond of secrecy, however, which requires that each member confided in shall not communicate whatshe has heard to more--or to less--than ten people. "

"I know, " said I. "The Dorcas habit has followers among my ownpeople. "

"But see where it placed me!" cried the little creature. "There wasme, or I--I don't know whether Greek or English is preferable toyou--charged with the love affairs of the universe. Confiding all Iknew, like a dutiful husband, to my wife, and having her letting itall out to the public through the society. Why, my dear fellow, itwasn't long before the immortals began to accuse me of being in thepay of the Sunday newspapers, and you must know as well as anybodyelse that Love has nothing to do with them. Even the affairs of mysovereign began to creep out, and innuendoes connecting Jupiter withpeople prominent in society were printed in the opposition organs. "

"Poor chap!" said I, sympathetically. "I did not realize that you hadto contend against the Sunday-newspaper nuisance as we mortals have. "

"We have, " he said, quickly, almost resignedly; "and they are ruiningeven Olympus itself. Still, I made a stand. Told Psyche she talked toomuch, and from that time on confided in her no more. "

"And how did she take it?" I asked. 

"She declined to take it at all, " said Cupid, with a sigh. "Shedemanded that I should tell her everything on penalty of losingher--and I lost her. She left me a little over a thousand years ago, and my mother for the same reason sent me adrift fifteen hundred ormore years ago. That is why I am eking out a living running anelevator, " he added, sadly. "Still, I'm happy here. I go up when Ifeel sad, and go down when I feel glad. On the whole, I am as happy asany of the gods. "

"However, Dan, " I cried, sympathetically, slapping him on the back, "you have your official position, and that will keep you in--ah--well, you don't seem to need 'em, but it would keep you in clothes if youcould be persuaded to wear them. "

"No, " said the little elevator boy, sadly. "I don't want 'em in thisclimate--nor are they necessary in any other. All over the world, mydear fellow, _true_ love is ever warm. "

There was a decided interval. I felt sorry for the little lad who hadbeen a god and who had become an elevator boy, so I said to him:

"Never mind, Danny, you are sure of your office always. "

"I wish it were so, " said he, sadly. "But really, sir, it isn't. Youmay think that love rules all things nowadays, but that is a fallacy. Of late years a rival concern has sprung up. I have found my officesubjected to a most annoying competition which has attracted away fromme a large number of my closest followers. In the days when weacknowledged ourselves to be purely heathen, love was regarded withrespect, but now all that is changed. Opposite my office in thegovernment building there is a matrimonial corporation doing a verylarge business, by which the fees of my position are greatly reduced. Possibly after you have had your audience with Jove to-morrow you willtake a turn about the city, in which event you will see this trust'sbig brazen sign. You can't miss it if you walk along Mercury Avenue. It reads:

+----------------------------------+| MAMMON & CO. || Matchmakers || || FORTUNES GUARANTEED: || HAPPINESS EXTRA || || GEO. W. MAMMON || President || || HORACE GREED || Gen'l Manager || || BRANCH OFFICE || 67 Gehenna Ave. , Hades |+----------------------------------+

"Dear me!" I cried. "Poor Love!"

"I don't need your sympathy, " said the boy, quickly, drawing himselfup proudly. "It can't last, this competition. Man and god kind willsoon see the difference in the permanence of our respective output. This is only a temporary success they are having, and it often happensthat the spurious articles put forth by Mammon & Company are broughtover to me to be repaired. My sun will dawn again. You can't put outthe fires in my furnaces as long as men and women are made from theold receipt. "

Here the elevator stopped, and a rather attractive young womanappeared at the door. 

"Here is where you get out, sir, " said the elevator boy. 

"You are Mr. ----" began the girl. 

"I am, " I replied. 

"I have orders to show you to number 609, " she said. "The proprietorwill see you to-morrow at eleven. "

"Thank you very much, " I replied, somewhat overcome by the cordialityof my reception. It is not often that mere beggars are so hospitablyreceived. 

"Good-night, Cupid, " I added, turning to the little chap in theelevator. "I trust we shall meet again. "

"Oh, I guess we will, " he replied, with a wink at the maid. "Igenerally do meet most men two or three times in their lives. So _aurevoir_ to you. Treat the gentleman well, Hebe, " he concluded, pullingthe rope to send the elevator back. "He doesn't know much, but he issympathetic. "

"I will, Danny, for your sake, " said the little maid, archly. 

The boy laughed and the car faded from sight. Hebe, even more lovelythan has been claimed, with a charmingly demure glance at my costume, which was wofully bedraggled and wet, said:

"This way, sir. I will have your luggage sent to your room at once. "

"But I haven't any luggage, my dear, " said I. "I have only what is onmy back. "

"Ah, but you have, " she replied, sweetly. "The proprietor has attendedto that. There are five trunks, a hat-box, and a Gladstone bag alreadyon their way up. "

And with this she showed me into a magnificent apartment, and, evenas she had said, within five minutes my luggage arrived, a valetappeared, unpacked the trunks and bag, brushed off the hat that hadlain in the hat-box, and vanished, leaving me to my own reflections. 

Surely Olympus was a great place, where one who appeared in the guiseof a beggar was treated like a regiment of prodigal sons, furnishedwith a gorgeous apartment, and supplied with a wardrobe that wouldhave aroused the envy of a reigning sovereign. 

IV

I Summon a Valet

The room to which I was assigned was regal in its magnificence, andyet comfortable. Few modern hotels afforded anything like it, and, tired as I was, I could not venture to rest until I had investigatedit and its contents thoroughly. It was, I should say, about twenty bythirty feet in its dimensions, and lighted by a soft, mellow glow thatsprang forth from all parts without any visible source of supply. Atthe far end was a huge window, before which were drawn portières ofrich material in most graceful folds. Pulling these to one side, sothat I might see what the outlook from the window might be, Istaggered back appalled at the infinite grandeur of what lay before myeyes. It seemed as if all space were there, and yet within the compassof my vision. Planets which to my eye had hitherto been but twinklingspecks of light in the blackness of the heavens became peopled worlds, which I could see in detail and recognize. Mars with its canals, Saturn with its rings--all were there before me, seemingly withinreach of my outstretched hand. The world in which I lived appeared tohave been removed from the middle distance, and those things which hadrested beyond the ken of the mortal mind brought to my very feet, tobe seen and touched and comprehended. 

Then I threw the window open, and all was changed. The distantobjects faded, and a beautiful golden city greeted my eyes--the cityof Olympus, in which I was to pass so many happy hours. For theinstant I was puzzled. Why at one moment the treasures of the universeof space had greeted my vision, and how all that had faded and theimmediate surroundings of a celestial city lay before me, were noteasy to understand. I drew back and closed the window again, and atonce all became clear; the window-glass held the magic properties ofthe magnifying-lens, developed to an intensity which annihilated allspace, and I began to see that the development of mortals inscientific matters was puny beside that of the gods in whose hands layall the secrets of the universe, although the principles involved werein our full possession. 

The situation overwhelmed me somewhat, and I drew the portièrestogether again. The feelings that came over me were similar to thosethat come to one standing on the edge of a great precipice gazingdownward into the vast, black depths yawning at his feet. Thegiddiness that once, many years before, came upon me as I stood on thebrink of the Niagaran cataract, which seemed irresistibly impelling meto join the mad rush of the waters, surged over me again, and I forcedmyself backward into the room, shutting out the sight, lest I shouldcast myself forth into the infinite space beyond. I threw myself downupon a couch and covered my eyes with my hands and tried to realizethe situation. I was drunk with awe at all that was about me, andshould, I think, have gone mad trying to comprehend its grandeur, hadnot my spirit been soothed by soft strains of music that now fell uponmy ears. 

I opened my eyes to discover whence the sounds had come, and even asthe light streamed from unknown and unseen sources, so it was with theharmonies which followed, harmonies surpassing in beauty and swellingglory anything I had ever heard before. 

And to these magnificent but soft and soothing strains I yieldedmyself up and slept. How long my sleep continued I have no means ofknowing. It seemed to last but an instant, but when I opened my eyesonce more I felt absolutely renewed in body and in spirit. The dampgarments which I had worn when I fell back upon the couch had in somewise been removed, and when I stood up to indulge in the usualstretching of my limbs I found myself clad in an immaculate flowingrobe of white, soft of texture, fastened at the neck with a jewelledbrooch, and at the waist its fulness restrained by a girdle of gold. Furthermore, I had apparently been put through a process of ablutionwhich left me with the cockles of my heart as warm as toast, and mywhole being permeated with a glow of health which I had not known formany years. The aches in my bones, which I had feared on waking tofind intensified, were gone; and if I could have retained permanentlythe aspect of vigor and beauty which was returned to me by the mirrorwhen I stood before it, I should be in imminent danger of becomingconceited. 

"I wonder, " said I, as I gazed at myself in the mirror, "if this isthe correct costume for breakfast. It's a slight drawback to knownothing of the customs of the locality in which you find yourself. Possibly an investigation of my new wardrobe will help me to decide. "

I looked over the rich garments which had been provided, and foundnothing which, according to my simple bringing up, suggested the ideathat it was a good thing to wear at the morning meal. 

"They ought to send me a valet, " I murmured. "Perhaps they will if Iring for one. Where the deuce is the bell, I wonder?"

A search of the room soon divulged the resting-place of this desirableadjunct to the tourist's comfort. The dial system which has proved sosuccessful in American hotels was in vogue here, except that itmanifested a willingness on the part of the proprietor to provide theguest with a range of articles utterly beyond anything to be found inthe purely mundane caravansary. I found that anything under the canopythat the mind of man could conceive of could be had by the merepushing of a button. The disk of the electrical apparatus was dividedoff into many sections, calling respectively for saddle-horses, symphony concerts, ocean steamships, bath-towels, stenographers;cocktails of all sorts, and some sorts of which I had never beforeheard, and all of which I resolved to try in discreet sequence;manicures, chiropodists, astrologers, prophets, clergymen of alldenominations, plots for novelists--indeed, anything that any personin any station of life might chance to desire could be got for theringing. 

My immediate need, however, was for a valet. Puzzled as to the mannersand customs of the gods, I did not wish to make a bad appearance inthe dining-room in a costume which should not be appropriate. I didthink of ordering breakfast served in my room, but that seemed a verymortal and not a particularly godlike thing to do. Hence, I rang for avalet. 

[Illustration: "ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING"]

"I will tell him to get out my morning-suit, and no doubt he willselect the thing I ought to wear, " I said as I pressed the button. 

The response was instant. My fingers had hardly left the button when asuperb creature stood before me. Whence he sprang I do not know. Therewere no opening of doors, no traps or false panels, that I could see. The individual simply materialized. 

"At your service, sir, " said he, with a graceful obeisance. 

"Pardon me, " I replied, overcome once more by what was going on. "I--ah--think there must be some mistake. I--ah--I didn't ring for agod, I rang for a valet. "

"I am the valet of Olympus, sir, " he replied, gracefully flicking aspeck of dust from the calf of his leg, the contour of which wasbeautiful to look upon, clad in superbly fitting silken tights. "Adonis, at your service. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I declare!" I cried, lost now in admiration of the way the godswere ordering things on Olympus. "So they've made you a valet, havethey?"

"Yes, " replied Adonis. "I hold office for the six months that I amhere. You know that I am a resident of Olympus only half the time. Thebalance I live in Hades. "

"It's a common custom, " said I. "Even with us, our swellest people gosouth for the winter. "

"Hum--yes, " said Adonis, somewhat confused. "It's very good of you todraw that parallel. Your construction of the situation does credit toyour sense of what is polite, sir. Unfortunately for me, however, myposition is more like that of the habitual criminal who is sent to thepenitentiary periodically. I have to go, whether I want to or not. "

"Still, it must be a pleasant variation, " I observed, forgetting thatit is bad form to converse with a servant, and remembering only that Iwas addressing an old flame of Madame Venus. "Hades isn't a bad placefor a little while, I should fancy. "

"True, " sighed Adonis. "But the society there is very mixed. It's fullof self-made immortals, whereas we are all immortals by birth. "

"And who, pray, " I queried, "takes your place while you are below?"

"Narcissus, " he replied; "but there's generally a lot of complaintabout him. He takes more pains dressing himself than he does inlooking after guests, the result of which is that after my departurethings get topsy-turvy, and by the time I get back, with the exceptionof Narcissus, there isn't a well-dressed god in all Olympus. "

"I wonder, where such perfection is possible, " said I, "that theytolerate that. "

"They're not going to very much longer, " said Adonis, and then helaughed. "Narcissus queered himself last season at the palace. Jovesent for him to trim his beard, and he nearly cut one of the old man'sears off. Investigation showed that instead of keeping his eye on whathe was doing, he was looking at himself in the glass all the time. Jupiter in his anger hurled a thunderbolt at him, but, fortunately forNarcissus, he hurled it at the mirrored and not at the real Narcissus, and he escaped. The result is the rumor that he will be madehead-waiter in the dining-room instead of valet next season, in whichevent I shall probably be allowed to remain here all through the year, or else they'll put Jason on. "

"And which would you prefer?" I asked. 

[Illustration: "JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM"]

"I think I'd rather have Jason put on, " said Adonis. "While I don'tcare much for the climate of Hades, I am received there with muchconsideration socially, whereas up here I am only the valet. Onedoesn't mind being a nabob once in a while, you know. Besides--ah--don'tsay anything about it to anybody up here, but I'm getting a trifletired of Venus. She is still beautiful, but you can't get over theidea that she's over four thousand years old. Furthermore, I met alittle Fury down below last season who is simply ravishing. " HereAdonis gave me a wink which made me rather curious to see the littleFury. 

"Ah, Adonis, Adonis!" I cried, shaking my finger at him; "still up toyour old tricks, are you?"

"Why not?" he demanded. "My character is formed. _Noblesse oblige_ isa good motto for us all, only when one is born with _faiblesse_instead of _noblesse_, it becomes _faiblesse oblige_. Furthermore, sir, if I am to have the reputation, I must insist upon theperquisites. "

What I replied to this bit of moralizing I shall not put down here, since I have no wish to commit myself thus publicly. I will say, however, that I did not blame the youthful-looking personunreservedly. 

"Moreover, I have very fine apartments in Hades, " he added, "and Ishould hate to give them up. I live at the select home for gods andgentlemen, kept by Madame Persephone. When she takes an interest inone of her boarders she is a mighty fine landlady, and, like mostladies, if I may say it with all due modesty, she has taken aninterest in me. The result is that I have the best suite in the house, overlooking the Styx, and as fine a table as any one could want. ButI must ask your pardon, sir, for taking up so much of your time withmy personal affairs. We both seem to have forgotten that I am here towait upon you. "

"It has been very interesting, Adonis, " I said. "And if it's anybody'sfault, it is mine. What I wished of you was that you should get out mybreakfast-suit, so that I might dress and go to the dining-room. "

"Certainly, sir, " he replied, walking to the clothes-closet. "Pardonme, but--ah--what is your profession when at home?"

"Why do you ask?" I queried. "Not that I am unwilling to tell you, but--"

"I merely wished to guide my selection of your garments. If you are anaval officer, I will put out your admiral's uniform. If you are aprofessional golfer, I'll get out your red coat. "

"I am a literary man, " I said. 

"Ah!" he observed, lifting his eyebrows. "Then, of course, you won'tmind wearing these. "

And he hauled forth a pair of black-and-white trousers with checks aslarge as the squares of a chessboard, a blue cloth vest with whitepolka dots, and a long, gray Prince Albert coat, with mauve satinlapels. The shirt was pink and blue, stripes of each alternating, running cross-ways, a white collar, and a flaring red four-in-handtie!

"Great Scott, Adonis!" I cried. "Must I wear those?"

"You're under no compulsion to do so, " said he. "But I thought yousaid you were a literary man. "

"Well?"

"Well--literary men never care what they wear so long as they attractattention, do they?"

I laughed. "We are not all built that way, Adonis, " said I. "Some ofus are modest and have a little taste. "

"Well, it's news to me, " said he. "I guess it must be among the minorlights. "

"It is--generally, " said I. "And if you don't mind, I'd rather wearthe golf clothes. "

And I did. 

V

The Olympian Links

"There, " said Adonis, as he put the finishing touch to my costume. "You look like a champion. Do you play golf, sir?"

"There's a difference of opinion about that, Adonis, " I replied, mymind reverting to the number of handicap matches I hadn't won. "Somepeople who have observed my game say I don't. Have you links here?"

"Have we links?" he cried. "Well, rather. They're said to be the bestin the universe. "

"And are they handy?"

"Very--in the season. "

"I don't quite catch the idea, " I said. 

"Oh, sometimes the course is nearer than it is at others. Come here aminute, " he said, "and I'll point it out to you. "

He drew me to the wonderful window of which I have already spoken, andthrough the powerful glass pointed in the direction of Mars. 

"See that?" he said. 

"Yes, " I replied. "That is Mars. "

"Exactly, " said Adonis. "Mars is the Olympian links. His distance fromhere varies, as you are probably aware. When Mars is near aphelion heis 61, 800, 000 miles away, but in his perihelion he gets it down to33, 800, 000. That's why we have our golf season while Mars is in hisperihelion. It saves us 28, 000, 000 miles in getting there. "

I laughed. "You call that handy, do you?" I said. 

"Why not?" he asked. "It's a matter of five minutes on a bike, tenminutes in the automobile, and twenty minutes if you walk. "

"Of course, Adonis, " said I, "I'm not so green as to swallow all that. How the dickens can you walk through space?"

"You're vastly greener than you think you are, " he retorted, ratheruncivilly, perhaps, for a valet, but I paid no attention to that, preferring to take him, despite his menial capacity, in his godlikepersonality. "I might even say, sir, that your greenness is spacious. You judge us from your own mean, limited, mundane point of view. Butyou needn't think because you earth people cannot walk on air weOlympians are equally incapacitated. You can walk there in two ways. One of these is to fasten a pair of ankle-wings on your legs; theother is to purchase a pair of sky-scrapers. These are simple, consisting merely of boots with gas soles. You inflate the soles withgas and walk along. It's simple and easy, doesn't require anypractice, and as long as you keep up in the air and don't step onchurch steeples or weather-vanes it's perfectly safe. Of course, ifyou stepped on a sharp-pointed weather-vane, or a lightning-rod, andpunctured your sole, there's no telling what would happen. "

"And how about the wings?" I asked. 

"They're much more exhilarating, but a little dangerous if you don'tknow how to use them, " Adonis replied. "Flying isn't any easier thanroller-skating, and if you upset and get your head below your feetit's extremely difficult to right yourself again. If you try to go outthere with ankle-wings, take my advice and wear a pair of smallballoons about your chest to hold you right-end upward. "

"I'll remember, " said I, somewhat awed at the prospect of trying towalk through space with the aid of ankle-wings. "And how about thebicycle?" I added. 

"If you can ride a bicycle on an ordinary road you'll have notrouble, " he replied. "Keep your tires well filled with gas and avoidheaders. If I were you, though, at first I'd go out on the automobile. It makes six round trips a day and it's absolutely safe. Being so highup in the air might make you dizzy, and you might find the bicyclingtoo much for your nerves. After a little while you'll get used toenormous heights, and then, of course, you can go any old way youchoose. The fare for the round trip is only fifteen hundred dollars. "

"The automobile is in competent hands, eh?"

"Yes, " said Adonis. "Phaeton has charge of it. "

"Humph!" I sneered. "He's your idea of a competent driver, eh? Hehasn't that reputation on earth. Was it an untruth that credits himwith a fine smash-up when he tried to drive the chariot of the sun?"

"Not a bit of it, " said Adonis. "That's all of it simple truth. Ihappen to know, because I saw the finish of the whole thing myself, and was one of the fellows who turned a fire-extinguisher on him andsaved him from being a total loss to the insurance companies. But helearned his lesson. There's nothing like experience to teach caution, and that little episode gave Phaeton caution to burn, if I may indulgein mundane slang. He was guyed so unmercifully by everybody for hiscarelessness that the first thing he did when he recovered was tolearn how to drive, and it wasn't six cycles before he was the mostexpert whip in Olympus. He finally made a profession of it andestablished a livery-stable. Then, when the automobile came in andhorses went out of fashion, he kept up with the times, and is to-dayin charge of all our rapid transit--he owns the franchises for theJupiter and Dipper Trolley Road, he is the largest stockholder in theMetropolitan Traction Company of Neptune, Saturn, and Venus, and issaid to be the moving spirit back of the new underground electric inHades. "

"I guess he'll do, " said I, reflecting with admiration upon thewonderful self-rehabilitation of one I had previously regarded as afoolish incompetent. 

"You won't have to guess again in this case, " said Adonis, dryly. "You've hit it right the very first time. "

"Well, tell me about the links, Adonis, " said I. "Getting there seemsto be an easy matter, but after you get there, how about the course?Is it eighteen holes?"

"It is, " said Adonis, "and of proper length, too, and splendidlyarranged. You start at the club-house right near the landing-stage andplay right around the planet, so that when you're through you're backat the club-house again. At the ninth hole there is a half-way house, where you can get nectar, and ambrosia, and sarsaparilla, and anyother soft drink you want. "

"No hard drinks, eh?" I queried. 

"Not at the half-way house, " said Adonis. "We gods have too much senseto indulge in hard drinks in the middle of a game. If you want harddrinks you have to wait till you get back to the club-house. "

"That is rather sensible, " I said, as I thought of how a Martinicocktail taken at the ninth hole had ruined my chances in theNoodleport Annual Handicap last autumn. "But I say, Adonis, " I added, "did I understand you to say that you played all around Mars?"

"Yes--why not?" said he. 

"Pretty long holes, I should say, " said I. "Mars is four thousandmiles round, isn't it?"

"You _are_ an earth-worm, " he retorted, forgetting his place wholly inhis scorn for my picayune ideas. "Calling a paltry four thousand mileslong--why, you can play around that links in two hours and a half. "

"Indeed?" said I. "And how long may your hours be? Everything here ison such a magnificent scale, I suppose one of your hours is aboutequal to one of our decades. "

"Oh no, " said Adonis. "It isn't that way at all. Fact is, we make ourhours to suit ourselves. I am merely reckoning on a basis that youwould comprehend. I meant two and a half of your hours. Anymoderately expert player can play the Mars links in that time. Takethe first hole, for instance--it's only two hundred and fifty mileslong. "

"Really--is that all!" I ejaculated, growing sarcastic. "A drive, twobrassies, an approach, and forty puts, I presume?"

"For a duffer, perhaps, " retorted Adonis. "Willie Ph[oe]bus does it insix. A seventy-five-mile drive, a seventy-mile brassie, a loft overthe canal for twenty-five miles, a forty-five-mile cleak, athirty-mile approach, and--"

"A dead easy put of five miles!" I put in, making a pretence of beingno longer astonished. 

"That's the idea, " said Adonis. "Of course, everybody can't do it, " headded. "And bogie for that hole is really seven. Willie Ph[oe]busplayed too well for a gentleman, so we made him a professional. He'llgive you lessons for a thousand dollars an hour, if you want him to. "

"Thanks, " said I. "I'll think about it. Can he teach me how to drive aball seventy-five miles?"

"That depends on your capacity, " said Adonis. "Some of the bestplayers frequently drive seventy-five miles--the record is ninety-sixmiles, made by Jove himself. Willie taught him. "

"For Heaven's sake!" I cried, losing my self-poise for an instant. "What do you drive with? Olympian Gatling guns?"

"Not at all, " replied Adonis. "We use one of our regular drivers--thebest is called the 'celestial catapult. ' Ph[oe]bus sells 'em at theCaddie House for five hundred dollars apiece. If you strike a ballfair and square with the 'celestial catapult, ' and neither pull norslice, it can't help going forty miles, anyhow. "

"And how, may I ask, do the caddies find a ball that goes seventy-fivemiles?"

"They don't have to. All our balls are self-finding, " said Adonis. "The ball in use now is a recent invention of Vulcan's. They costtwelve hundred dollars a dozen. They are made of liquefiedelectricity. We take the electric current, liquefy it, then solidifyit, then mould it into the form of a sphere. Inside we place a littlegong, that begins to ring as soon as the ball lands. The electricityin it is what makes it fly so rapidly and so far, and even you mortalsknow the principle of the electric bell. "

"Oh, indeed we do, " said I, pulling at my mustache nervously. I wasbeginning to get excited over this celestial golf. On earth I have allof the essentials of a first-class golf maniac, except the ability toplay the game. But this so far surpassed anything I had ever seen orimagined before that I was growing too keen over it for comfort. I wasin real need of having my spirits curbed, so I ventured to inquireafter a phase of the game that has always dampened my ardor in thepast--the caddie service. I did not expect that this could attainperfection even in Olympus, and I was not far wrong. 

"You must have pretty lively caddies, " I threw out. 

Adonis sighed. "You'd think so, but that's where we are always introuble. We've tried various schemes, but they haven't any of 'emworked well. At first we took our own Olympian boys. We got the motherof the Gracchi to lend us her offspring, but they weren't worth a rap. Then we hired forty little devils from Hades, and we had to send themback inside of a week. They were regular little imps. They werecutting up monkey shines all the time, and waggled their horrid littletails so constantly that Jove himself couldn't keep his eye on theball--and the language they used was something frightful. You couldn'ttrust them to clean your clubs, because there wasn't any poweranywhere that could keep them from running off with 'em; and in thematter of balls, they'd steal every blessed one they could lay theirhands on. We finally had to employ cherubs. We've about sixty of 'emon hand now all the time, and they come as near being perfect as youcould expect. Ever see a cherub?"

"Only in pictures, " said I. "They're just heads with wings, aren'tthey?"

"Yes, " said Adonis, "and, having no bodies, they're seldom in the way, and some of the best of 'em can fly almost as fast as the ball. "

"How do they carry the bags?" I asked, much interested. 

"They hang 'em about their necks, just above their wings, " Adonisexplained, "but even they are not perfect. They fly very carelessly, and often, in swooping about the sky, drop your clubs out of the bagand smash 'em; and they all look so infernally alike that you cannever tell your own caddy from the other fellow's, which is sometimesvery confusing. "

"Still, " I put in, "a caddie with no pockets is a very safe person tointrust with golf balls. "

"That's very true, " said Adonis, "and I suppose the cherubs make asgood caddies as we can expect. Caddies will be caddies, and that's theend of it. You can't expect a caddie to do just right any more thanyou can expect water to flow uphill. There are certain immutable lawsof the universe which are as unchangeable in Olympus as on earth orin Hades. Ice is cold, fire is hot, water is wet, and caddies arecaddies. "

[Illustration: THE OLYMPIAN LINKS]

"Very true, " said I, reflecting upon the ways of "Some Caddies I haveMet. " "What do you pay them a round?"

"One hundred and twenty-five dollars, " said Adonis. 

"Cheap enough, " said I. "But tell me, Adonis, " I continued, "who isyour amateur champion?"

"Jupiter, of course, " said Adonis, with an impatient shake of hishead. "He's champion of everything. It's one of his prerogatives. Wedon't any of us dare win a cup from him for fear he'll use his powerto destroy us. That is one of the features of this Olympian life thatis not pleasant--though, for goodness' sake, don't say I told you!He'd send me into perpetual exile if he knew I'd spoken that way. He's threatened to make me Governor-General of the Dipper half adozen times already for things I've said, and I have to be verycareful, or he'll do it. "

"An unpleasant post, that?"

"Well, " he said, "I don't exactly know how to compare it so that youwould understand precisely. I should say, however, it would be aboutas agreeable as being United States ambassador to Borneo. "

"I'll never tell, Adonis, " said I, "and I'm very much obliged to youfor our pleasant chat. Your description of the links has interested mehugely. If I could afford a game at your prices, I think I'd play. "

"Oh, as for that, " said Adonis, laughing, "don't let that bother you. Whenever you want to pay a bill here all you have to do is to pressthe cash button on the teleseme over there, and they'll send the moneyup from the office. "

"But how shall I ever repay the office?" I cried. 

"Press the button to the left of it, and they'll send you up a receiptin full, " he replied. 

"You mean to say that this hotel is run--" I began. 

"On the Olympian plan, " interrupted the valet with a low bow. "Allbills here are of that pleasing variety known as 'Self-paying. '"

With which comforting assurance Adonis left me, and I started for thedining-room, my appetite considerably whetted by the idea of a game ofgolf over links four thousand miles in length with balls that could bedriven fifty or sixty miles, and cherubs for caddies, at no cost tomyself whatsoever. 

VI

In the Dining-Room

As I emerged from the door of my room into the hall, I found a smallsedan-chair, of highly ornamental make, awaiting my convenience, carried upon the shoulders of two diminutive boys, who were as black, and shone as lustrously, as a bit of highly polished ebony. I hadnever seen their like before, save in an occasional bit of statuary inItaly, wherein marbles of differing hue and shade had been ingeniouslyused by the sculptor to give color to his work. The boys themselves, as I have said, were of polished ebony hue, while the breech-clothswhich formed their sole garment were of purest alabaster white. Upontheir heads were turbans of pink. They grinned broadly as I came out, and opened the door of the chair for me. 

"Dis way fo' de dinin'-room, sah, " said one of them, showing a set ofivory teeth that dazzled my eyes. 

I thanked him and entered the chair. When I was seated, I turned tothe little chap. 

"What particular god do you happen to be, Sambo?" I asked. It wasprobably not the most reverent way to put it, but in a community likeOlympus gods are really at a discount, and the black particle was solike a small pickaninny I used to know in Savannah that I could notaddress him as if he were Jupiter himself. 

"Massy me, massa, " he returned, his smile nearly cutting the top ofhis head off, reaching as it did around to the back of his ears. "Iain' no gord. I'se jess one o' dese low-down or'nary toters. Me an'him totes folks roun' de hotel. "

"A very useful function that, Sambo; and where were you born?" Iasked. "North Carolina, or Georgia?"

"Me?" he replied, looking at me quizzically. "I guess yo's on'yfoolin', massa. Me? Why, I 'ain't never been borned at all, sah--"

"Jess growed, eh--like Topsy?" I asked. 

"Who dat, Topsy?" he demanded. 

"Oh, she was a little nigger girl that became very famous, " Iexplained. 

"Doan' know nuffin' 'bout no Topsy, " he said, shaking his head. "Weain' niggers, eider, yo' know, me an' him ain't. We's statulary. "

"What?" I cried. The word seemed new. 

"Statulary, " he continued. "We was carved, we was. There ain't nothin'borned 'bout us. Never knowed who pap was. Man jess took a lot o'mahble, he did, an' chiselled me an' him out. "

I eyed both boys closely and perceived that in all probability hespoke the truth. His flesh and dress had all of the texture of marble, but now the question came up as to the gift of speech and movement andthe marvellous and graceful flexibility of their limbs. 

"You can't fool me, Sambo, " said I. "You're nothing but a verygood-looking little nigger. You can't make me believe that you areanother Galatea. "

"Doan' no nuffin' 'bout no gal's tears, " he returned instantly. "But Idone tole yo' de truf. Me an' him was chiselled out o' brack marble bypap. Ef we'd been borned we'd been niggahs sho' nuff, but bein'carvin's, like I tole yuh, we's statulary. "

"But how does it come that if you are only statuary, you can moveabout, and talk, and breathe?" I demanded. 

"Yo'll have to ask mistah Joop'ter 'bout dat, " the boy answered. "Hedone gave us dese gif's, an' we's a-usin' ob 'em. De way it happenedwas like o' dis. Me an' him was a standin' upon a petterstal down inone o' dem mahble yards what dey calls gall'ries in Paris. We'd beensent dah by de man what done chiselled us, an' Joop'ter he came 'longwid Miss' Juno an' when he seed us he said: 'Dare you is, Juno! Demboys'll make mighty good buttonses foh de hotel. ' Juno she laffed, an'said dat was so, on'y she couldn't see as we had many buttons. 'Wouldyou like to have 'em?' Joop'ter ast, and she said 'suttinly. ' So hetu'ned hisself into a 'Merican millionaire an' bought me an' him off'n de manager, an' he had us sent here. All dat time we was nuffin'but mahble figgers, but soon's we arrived here, Joop'ter sent usup-stairs to de lab'ratory, an' fust ting me an' him knowed we waslivin' bein's. "

I admired Jupiter's taste, not failing either to marvel at thewonderful power which only once before, as far as I knew, he hadexerted to give to a bit of sculpture all the flush and glory of life, as in the case set forth in the pathetic tale of Pygmalion andGalatea. 

"And does he do this sort of thing often?" I inquired. 

"Yass indeedy, " said Sambo. "He's doin' it all de time. Mos' ob dehelp in dis hotel is statulary, an' ef yo' wants to see a reel livelytime 'foh yo' goes back home, go to de Zoo an' see 'em feed de TrojanHoss, an' de Cardiff Giant. He brang bofe dem freaks to life, an' nowhe can't get rid ob 'em. Dat Trojan Hoss suttinly am a berry debbil. He stans up gentle as a lamb tell he gets about a hundred an' fiftypeople inside o' him, an' den he p'tends like he's gwine to run away, an' he cyanters, an' cyanters aroun', tell ebberybody's dat seasickdey can't res'. "

I resolved then and there to see the Trojan Horse, but not to getinside of him. I never before had suspected that the famous beast hada sense of humor in his makeup. I was about to make some furtherinquiry when a bell above us began to sound forth sonorously. 

"Massy me!" cried little Sambo, springing to his place in front of thechair. "Dat's de third an' lass call for breakfas'. We done spent toomuch time talkin'. "

With which observation, he and his companion, shouldering theirburden, trotted along the richly furnished hall to the dining-room. Ithen observed a charming feature of life in the Olympian Hotel, and Ipresume it obtains elsewhere in that favored spot. There are no suchthings as stairs within its walls. From the magnificent office on theground floor to the glorious dining-room on the forty-eighth, thebroad corridor runs round and round and round again with an upwardincline that is barely perceptible--indeed, not perceptible at alleither to the eye or to the muscles of the leg. And while there arethe most speedy elevators connecting all the various floors, one can, if one chooses, walk from cellar to roof of this marvellous placewithout realizing that he is mounting to an unusual elevation. And inthe evening these corridors form a magnificent parade, brilliantlylighted, upon which are to be met all the wealth, beauty, and fashionof Olympus--alas! that I have no means of returning there with certainof my friends with whom I would share the good things that have comeinto my life!

But to return to the story. Sambo and his brother soon "toted" me tothe entrance of the dining-room--graceful little beggars they were, too. 

"Your breakfast is ready, sir, " said the head waiter, bowing low. 

What impelled me to do so I shall never know, but it was aninspiration. I seemed to recognize the man at once, and, as I hadfrequently done on earth to my own advantage, I addressed him by name. 

"Having a good season, Memnon?" I said, slipping a silver dollar intohis hand. 

It worked. Whether I should have found the same excellent service hadI not spoken pleasantly to him I, of course, cannot say, but I havenever been so well cared for elsewhere. The captious reader may askhow anything so essentially worldly as a silver dollar ever crept intoOlympus. I can only say that one of the magic properties of thegarment I wore was that whatever I put my hand into my pocket for, Igot. As a travelled American, realizing the potency under similarconditions of that heavy and ugly coin, I instinctively sought for itin my pocket and it was there. I do not attempt to explain the processof its getting there. It suffices to say that, as the guest of thegods, my every wish was met with speedy attainment. I could not helpbut marvel, too, at the appropriateness of everything. What betterthan that the King of the Ethiopians should be head waiter to thegods!

"Things are never dull here, sir, " said Memnon, pocketing my dollarand escorting me to my table. "We do not often have visitors likeyourself, however, and we are very glad to see you. "

I sat down before a magnificent window which seemed to open out upon auniverse hitherto undreamed of. 

"Do you wish the news, sir?" Memnon asked, respectfully. 

"Yes, " said I. "Ah--news from home, Memnon, " I added. 

"Political or merely family?" said he. 

"Family, " said I. 

Memnon busied himself about the window and in a moment, gazing throughit, I had the pleasure of seeing my two boys eating their supper andchallenging each other to mortal combat over a delinquent strawberryresting upon the tablecloth. 

"Give me a little politics, Memnon, " said I, as the elder boy thrashedthe younger, not getting the strawberry, however, which in a quickmoment, between blows, the younger managed to swallow. "They seem tobe about as usual at home. "

And I was immediately made aware of the intentions of theadministration at Washington merely by looking through a window. Therewere the President and his cabinet and--some others who assist inmaking up the mind of the statesman. 

"Now a dash of crime, " said I. 

"High or low?" asked Memnon, fingering the push-button alongside ofthe window. 

"The highest you've got, " said I. 

I shall not describe what I saw. It was not very horrible. It wasrather discouraging. It dealt wholly with the errors of what is knownas Society. It showed the mistakes of persons for whom I had acquireda feeling of awe. It showed so much that I summoned Memnon to shut theglass off. I was really afraid somebody else might see. And I did notwish to lose my respect for people who were leaders in the highestwalks of social life. Still, a great many things that have happenedsince in high life have not been wholly surprising to me. I havefurthermore so ordered my own goings and comings since that time thatI have no fear of what the Peeping Toms of Olympus may see. If mankindcould only be made to understand that this window of Olympus opens outupon every act of their lives, there might be radical reforms in somequarters where it would do a deal of good, although to the generalpublic there seems to be no need for it. 

At this point a waiter put a small wafer about as large as a pennyupon the table. 

"H'm--what's that, Memnon?" I asked. 

"Essence of melon, " said he. 

"Good, is it?" I queried. 

"You might taste it and see, sir, " he said, with a smile. "It is oneof a lot especially prepared for Jupiter. "

I put the thing in my mouth, and oh, the sensation that followed! Ihave eaten melons, and I have dreamed melons, but never in eitherexperience was there to be found such an ecstasy of taste as I nowgot. 

"Another, Memnon--another!" I cried. 

"If you wish, sir, " said he. "But very imprudent, sir. That wafer wasconstructed from six hundred of the choicest--"

"Quite right, " said I, realizing the situation; "quite right. Sixhundred melons _are_ enough for any man. What do you propose to giveme now?"

"_Oeufs Midas_, " said Memnon. 

"Sounds rather rich, " I observed. 

"It would cost you 4, 650, 000 francs for a half portion at a Pariscafé, if you could get it there--which you can't. "

"And what, Memnon, " said I, "is the peculiarity of eggs _Midas_?"

"It's nothing but an omelet, sir, " he replied; "but it is made of eggslaid by the goose of whom you have probably read in the _PersonalRecollections of Jack the Giant-Killer_. They are solid gold. "

"Heavens!" I cried. "Solid gold! Great Scott, Memnon, I can't digest asolid gold omelet. What do you think I am--an assay office?"

Memnon grinned until every tooth in his head showed, making his mouthlook like the keyboard of a grand piano. 

"It is perfectly harmless the way it is prepared in the kitchen, sir, "he explained. "It isn't an eighteen-karat omelet, as you seem tothink. The eggs are solid, but the omelet is not. It is, indeed, onlysix karats fine. The alloy consists largely of lactopeptine, hydrochloric acid, and various other efficient digestives which renderit innocuous to the most delicate digestion. "

"Very well, Memnon, " I replied, making a wry face, "bring it on. I'lltry a little of it, anyhow. " I must confess it did not sound inviting, but a guest should never criticise the food that is placed before him. My politeness was well repaid, for nothing more delicate in the way ofan omelet has ever titillated my palate. There was a slight metallictaste about it at first, but I soon got over that, just as I have gotused to English oysters, which, when I eat them, make me feel for amoment as if I had bitten off the end of a brass door-knob; and had Inot calculated the cost, I should have asked for a second helping. 

Memnon then brought me a platter containing a small object thatlooked like a Hamburg steak, and a most delicious cup of _café aulait_. 

"Filet Olympus, " he observed, "and coffee direct from the dairy of thegods. "

Both were a joy. 

"Never tasted such a steak!" I said, as the delicate morsel actuallymelted like butter in my mouth. 

"No, sir, you never did, " Memnon agreed. "It is cut from the steerbred for the sole purpose of supplying Jupiter and his family withtenderloin. We take the calf when it is very young, sir, and surroundit with all the luxuries of a bovine existence. It is fed on the mostdelicate fodder, especially prepared by chemists under the directionof Æsculapius. The cattle, instead of toughening their muscles bywalking to pasture, are waited upon by cow-boys in livery. A gentleamount of exercise, just enough to keep them in condition, is takenat regular hours every day, and at night they are put to sleep infeather beds and covered with eiderdown quilts at seven o'clock. "

"Don't they rebel?" I asked. "I should think a moderately active calfwould be hard to manage that way. "

[Illustration: CARING FOR THE CALVES]

"Oh, at first a little, but after a while they come to like it, and bythe time they are ready for killing they are as tender as hummingbirds' tongues, " said Memnon. "If you take him young enough, you cando almost anything you like with a calf. "

It seemed like a marvellous scheme, and far more humane than that offattening geese for the sale of their livers. 

"And this coffee, Memnon? You said it was fresh from the dairy of thegods. You get your coffee from the dairy?" I asked. 

"The breakfast coffee--yes, sir, " replied Memnon. "Fresh everymorning. You must ask the steward to let you see the _café-au-lait_herd--"

"The what?" I demanded. 

"The _café-au-lait herd_, " repeated Memnon. "A special permit isrequired to go through the coffee pasture where these cows are fed. Some one, who had a grudge against Pales, who is in charge of thedairymaids, got into the field one night and sowed a lot of chicory inwith the coffee, and the result was that the next season we got theworst coffee from those cows you ever tasted. So they made a rule thatno one is allowed to go there any more without a card from thesteward. "

"You don't mean to say--" I began. 

"Yes, I do, " said Memnon. "It is true. We pasture our cows on a coffeefarm, and, instead of milk, we get this that you are drinking. "

"Wonderful idea!" said I. 

"It is, indeed, " said Memnon; "that is, from your point of view. Fromours, it does not seem so strange. We are used to marvels here, sir, "he continued. "Would you care for anything more, sir?"

"No, Memnon, " said I. "I have fared sumptuously--my--ah--my appetiteis somewhat taken away by all these tremendous things. "

"I will have an appetite up for you, if you wish, " he replied, simply, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. 

"No, thank you, " said I. "I think I'll wait until I am acclimated. Inever eat heavily for the first twenty-four hours when I am in astrange place. "

And with this I went to the door, feeling, I must confess, a trifleill. The steak and coffee were all right, but there was a suggestionof pain in my right side. I could not make up my mind if it were thesix hundred melons or whether a nugget from the omelet had got caughtin my vermiform appendix. 

At any rate, I didn't wish to eat again just then. 

At the door the sedan-chair and the two little blackamoors wereawaiting me. 

"We have orders to take you to the Zoo, sah, " said Sambo. 

"All right, Sambo, " said I. "I'm all ready. A little air will do megood. "

And we moved along. 

I forgot to mention that, as he closed the chair door upon me, Memnonhanded me back the silver dollar I had given him. 

"What is this, Memnon?" said I. 

"The dollar you wished me to keep for you, sir, " he replied. 

"But I intended it for you, " said I. 

His face flushed. 

"I am just as much obliged, sir, but, really, I couldn't, you know. We don't take tips in Olympus, sir. "

"Indeed?" said I. "Well--I'm sorry to have offended you, Memnon. Imeant it all right. Why didn't you tell me when I gave it you?"

"I should have given you a check for it, sir. I supposed you didn'twish to carry anything so heavy about with you. "

"Ah!" said I, replacing the dollar in my pocket. "Thank you for yourcare of it, Memnon. No offence, I hope?"

"None at all, sir, " he replied, again showing his wonderful ivoryteeth. "I don't take offence at anything so trifling. Had you handedme a billion dollars, I should have declined to wait on you. "

And he bowed me away in a fashion which made me feel keenly thenarrowness of my escape. 

VII

Æsculapius, M. D. 

We had not gone very far along when the pain in my side becamepoignant and I called out of the window to Sambo:

"Sammy, is there a doctor anywhere on the way out to the Zoo?" Iasked. 

"Yassir, " he replied, slowing down a trifle. "We gotter go right by dedoh ob Dr. Skilapius. "

"Doctor who?" I asked--the name was new to me. 

"'Tain't _Skill_-apius, " growled the boy behind, who seemed ratherjealous that I had taken no notice of him. "It's Eee-skill-apius. "

"Oh, " said I, beginning to catch their drift. "Dr. Æsculapius. Is thatwhat you are trying to say?"

"Yassir, " said both boys. "Dass de man. "

"Well, stop at his office a moment, " said I. "I'm feeling a trifleill. "

In a few minutes we drew up before a large door to the right of thecorridor before which there hung a shingle marked in large giltletters:

+-----------------------------------+| || ÆSCULAPIUS, M. D. || || Office Hours: 10 to 12. || || Tuesdays. || |+-----------------------------------+

I knocked at the door and was promptly admitted. 

"I wish to see the doctor, " said I. 

"This is Monday, sir, " the maid replied--I couldn't quite place her, but she seemed rather above her station and was stunningly beautiful. 

"What of that?" I demanded, as fiercely as I could, considering howpretty the maid was. 

"The doctor can only be seen on Tuesdays, " said she. "It's on thedoor. "

"But I'm sick, " I cried. "Very sick, indeed. "

"No doubt, " she replied, with a shrug of her shoulders that I foundvery fetching. "Else you would not have come. But you are not so sickthat you can't wait until to-morrow, or if you are, you might as welldie, because the doctor won't take a case he can't think over a week. "

"Nice arrangement, that, " said I, scornfully. "It may do very well forimmortals, but for a mortal it's pretty poor business. "

The maid's manner underwent an immediate change. 

[Illustration: "'THEN YOU MUST DIE'"]

"Excuse me, sir, " she said, making me a courtesy. "I did not know youwere a mortal. I presumed you were a minor god. The doctor will seeyou at once. "

I was ushered into the consulting-room immediately--in fact, tooquickly. I wanted to thank the pretty maid for taking me for animmortal. There was no time for this, however, for in a momentÆsculapius himself appeared. 

"You must pardon Alcestis, " he said, after the first greetings wereover. "She is new to the business and doesn't know a god from a holein the ground. She presumed you were immortal and did not realize theemergency. "

"That's all right, doctor, " said I, glad to learn who the entrancingperson at the door was. "I've called to see you because--"

"Pray be silent, " the doctor interrupted, holding his hand up inadmonition. "Let me discover your symptoms for myself. It is the surermethod. Physicians in your world are frequently led astray by placingtoo much reliance upon what their patients tell them. I have devised anew system. _Believe nothing the patient says. _ See? If a man tells mehe has a headache, I send him to a chiropodist. If his ankle painshim, I send him to an oculist. If he says his chest is oppressed, Ihave him treated for spinal meningitis; and an alleged pain in theback my assistants cure by placing a mustard plaster on the throat. "

"Then your medical principles are based on what, doctor?" I asked, somewhat amused. 

"A simple motto which prevails among you mortals: 'All men areliars'--'Omnes homines mendaces sunt. ' It is safer than your acceptedmethods below. A sick man is the last man in the universe to describehis symptoms accurately. The mere fact that he is ill distorts hisjudgment. Therefore, I never allow it. If I can't find out for myselfwhat is the matter with a patient, I give up the case. "

"And the patient dies?" I suggested. 

"Not if he is an immortal, " he replied, quietly. "Come over here, " headded, indicating a spot near the window where there was a stronglight. I went, and Æsculapius, taking a pair of eye-glasses from acabinet in one corner of his apartment, placed them on the bridge ofhis nose. 

"Now look out of the window, " said he. "To the left. "

I obeyed at once. What I saw may not be described. I shrank back inhorror, for I saw so much real suffering that my own trouble grew lessin intensity. 

"Now look me straight in the eye, " said Æsculapius, an amused smileplaying about his lips. 

I turned my vision straight upon his glasses and was abashed. Iaverted my glance. 

"Nonsense, " said he, taking me by the shoulders. "Look at mypupils--straight--don't be afraid--there! That's it. These glasseswon't hurt you, and, after all, I'm not very terrible, " he added, genially. 

It required an effort, but I made it, although, in so doing, I seemedto be turning my soul inside out for his inspection. 

"H'm, " breathed Æsculapius. "Rather serious. You think you haveappendicitis. "

"Have I?" I cried. 

Æsculapius laughed. "_Have_ you?" he asked. "What do you think youthink?"

"I think I have, " said I, my heart growing faint at the very thoughtI thought I was thinking. 

"You are at least sure of your convictions, " said Æsculapius. "Now, asa matter of fact, the thoughts your thoughtful nature has induced youto think are utterly valueless. You have a pain in your side?"

"Yes, " said I. "And a very painful pain in my side--and I am notputting on any side in my pain either, " I added. 

"No doubt, " said Æsculapius. "But are you sure it is in your side, orisn't it your chest that aches a trifle, eh?"

"Not much, " said I, growing doubtful on the subject. 

"Still it aches, " said he. 

"Yes, " I answered, the pain in my side weakening in favor of one in mychest. "It does. " And it really did, like the deuce. 

"Now about that pain in your chest, " said Æsculapius. "Isn't itrather higher up--in your throat, instead of your chest?"

My throat began to hurt, and abominably. Every particle of it throbbedwith pain, and my chest was immediately relieved. 

"I think, " said I, weakly, "that the pain _is_ rather in my throatthan in my chest. "

"But your side doesn't ache at all?" suggested Æsculapius. 

I had forgotten my side altogether. 

"Not a bit, " said I; and it didn't. 

"So far, so good, " said the doctor. "Now, my friend, about this throattrouble of yours. Do you think you have diphtheria, or merelytoothache?"

I hadn't thought of toothache before, but as soon as the doctormentioned it, a pang went through my lower jaw, and my larynx seemedall right again. 

"Well, doctor, " said I, "as a matter of fact, the pain does seem tobe in my wisdom teeth. "

"So-called, " said he, quietly. "More tooth than wisdom, generally. Andnot in your throat?" continued the doctor. 

[Illustration: I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS]

"Not a bit of it, " said I. My throat seemed strong enough for apolitical campaign in which I was principal speaker. "It's _all_ in myteeth. "

"Upper or lower?" he asked, with a laugh, and then he gazed fixedly atme. 

I had not realized that I had upper teeth until he spoke, and ashudder went through me as a semicircle of pain shot through my upperjaw. 

"Upper, " I retorted, with some surliness. 

"Verging a trifle on your cheekbones, and thence to the optic nerve, "he said, calmly, still gazing into my soul. "I'll try your sight. Look at that card over there, and tell me--"

"What nonsense is this, doctor?" I cried, angry at his airy manner andmanifest control over my symptoms. "There is nothing the matter withmy eyes. They're as good as any one of the million eyes of your friendthe Argus. "

"Then what, in the name of Jupiter, is the matter with you?" heejaculated, elevating his eyebrows. 

"Nothing at all, " said I, sulkily. 

Æsculapius threw himself on the sofa and roared with laughter. 

"Perfectly splendid!" he said, when he had recovered from his mirth. "Perfectly splendid! You are the best example of the value of mysystem I've had in a long time. Now let me show you something, " headded. "Put these glasses on. "

He took the glasses from his nose and put them astride of mine, andlead me before a mirror--a cheval-glass arrangement that stood in onecorner of the room. 

"Now look yourself straight in the eye, " said he. 

I did so, and truly it was as if I looked upon the page of a bookprinted in the largest and clearest type. I hesitate to say what I sawwritten there, since the glass was strong enough to reach not only themind itself, but further into the very depths of my subself-consciousness. On the surface, man thinks well of himself; this continues in modifiedintensity to his self-consciousness, but the fool does not live who, in his subself-consciousness, the Holy of Holies of Realization, doesnot know that he is a fool. 

"Take 'em off, " I cried, for they seemed to burn into the very depthsof my soul. 

"That isn't necessary, " said Æsculapius, kindly. "Just turn your eyesaway from the glass a moment and they won't bother you. I want to curethis trouble of yours. "

I stopped looking at myself in the mirror and the tense condition ofmy nerves was immediately relieved. 

"Feel better right away, eh?" he asked. 

"Yes, " I admitted. 

"So I thought, " he said. "You've momentarily given upself-contemplation. Now lower your gaze. Look at your chest a moment. "

Just what were the properties of the glass I do not know, nor do Iknow how one's chest should look, but, as I looked down, I found thatjust as I could penetrate to the depths of my mind through my eyes, sowas it possible for me to inspect myself physically. 

"Nothing the matter there, eh?" said Æsculapius. 

"Not that I can see, " said I. 

"Nor I, " said he. "Now, if you think there is anything the matter withyou anywhere else, " he added, "you are welcome to use the glasses aslong as you see fit. "

I took a sneaking glance at my right side and was immediately madeaware of the fact that all was well with me there, and that all mytrouble had come from my ill-advised "wondering" whether that Midasomelet would bother me or not. 

"These glasses are wonderful, " said I. 

"They are a great help, " said Æsculapius. 

"And do you always permit your patients to put them on?" I asked. 

"Not always, " said he. "Sometimes people really have something thematter with them. More often, of course, they haven't. It would neverdo to let a really sick man see his condition. If they are ill, I cansee at once what is the matter by means of these spectacles, and can, of course, prescribe. If they are not, there is no surer means ofeffecting a cure than putting these on the patient's nose and lettinghim see for himself that he is all right. "

"They have all the quality of the X-ray light, " I suggested, turningmy gaze upon an iron safe in the corner of the room, which immediatelydisclosed its contents. 

"They are X-ray glasses, " said Æsculapius. "In a good light you cansee through anything with 'em on. I have lenses of the same kind in mywindow, and when you came up I looked at you through the window-paneand saw at once that there was nothing the matter with you. "

"I wish our earthly doctors had glasses like these, " I ventured, taking them off, for truly I was beginning to fancy a strain. 

"They have--or at least they have something quite as good, " saidÆsculapius. "They are all my disciples, and in the best instances theycan see through the average patient without them. They have insight. You don't believe you deceive your physician, do you?"

"I have sometimes thought so, " said I, not realizing the trap thedoctor was setting. 

"How foolish!" he cried. "Why should you wish to?"

I was covered with confusion. 

"Never mind, " said Æsculapius, smiling pleasantly. "You are only humanand cannot help yourself. It is your imagination leads you astray. Half the time when you send for your physician there is nothing thematter with you. "

"He always prescribes, " I retorted. 

"That is for your comfort, not his, " said Æsculapius, firmly. 

"And sometimes they operate when it isn't necessary, " I put in, persistently. 

"True, " said Æsculapius. "Very true. Because if they didn't, thepatient would die of worry. "

"Humph!" said I, incredulous. "I never knew that the operation forappendicitis was a mind cure. "

"It is--frequently, " observed the doctor. "There are more people, myfriend, who have appendicitis on their minds than there are those whohave it in their vermiforms. Don't forget that. "

It was a revelation, and, to tell the truth, it has been a revelationof comfort ever since. 

"I fancy, doctor, " said I, after a pause, "that you are a ChristianScientist. All troubles are fanciful and indicative of a perversesoul. "

Æsculapius flushed. 

"If one of the gods had said that, " he replied, "I should haveoperated upon him. As a mortal, you are privileged to say unpleasantthings, just as a child may say things to his elders with impunitywhich merit extreme punishment. Christian Science is all right whenyou are truly well--in good physical condition. It is a sure cure forimaginary troubles, but when you are really sick, it is not ofOlympus, but of Hades. "

Æsculapius spoke with all the passion of a mortal, and I wasembarrassed. "I did not mean to say anything unpleasant, doctor, " saidI. 

"That's all right, my lad, " said Æsculapius, patting me on the back. "I knew that. If I hadn't known it, you'd have been on the table bythis time. And now, good-bye. Curb your imagination. Think aboutothers. Don't worry about yourself without cause, and never send for adoctor unless you know there's something wrong. If I had my way youmortals would be deprived of imagination. That is your worst disease, and if at any time you wish yours amputated, come to me and I'll fixyou out. "

"Thanks, doctor, " I replied; "but I don't think I'll accept youroffer, because I need my imagination in my business. "

And then, realizing that I had received my _congé_, I prepared todepart. 

"How much do I owe you, doctor?" I asked, putting my hand into thepocket of my gown, confident of finding whatever I should need. 

"Nothing, " said he. "The real physician can never be paid. He eitherrestores your health or he does not. If he restores your health, hesaves your life, and he is entitled to what your life is worth. If hedoes not restore your health--he has failed, and is entitled tonothing. All you have will never pay your doctor for what he does foryou. Therefore, go in peace. "

I stood abashed in the presence of this wise man, and, as I went forthfrom his office, I realized the truth of what he had said. In our ownworld we place a value upon the service of the man who carries us overthe hard and the dark places. Yet who can really repay him for allthat he does for us when by his skill alone we are rescued from peril?

I re-entered my sedan-chair and set the blackies off again, withsomething potent in my mind--how much I truly owed to the good man whohas taken at times the health of my children, of my wife, of myself, in his hands and has seen us safely through to port. I have not yetbeen able to estimate it, but if ever he reads these lines, he willknow that I pay him in gratitude that which the world with all itswealth cannot give. 

"Now for the Zoo, boys, " I cried. "Æsculapius has fixed me up. "

And we scampered on. 

VIII

At the Zoo

We had not travelled far from the office of Æsculapius when my littlecarriers turned from the broad and beautiful corridor into a narrowpassage, through which they proceeded with some difficulty until wereached the other side of this strangely constructed home of the gods. As we emerged into the light of day, the view that presented itselfwas indescribably beautiful. I have looked from our own hills at homeupon many a scene of grandeur. From the mountain peaks of NewHampshire, with the sun streaming down upon me, I have looked uponthe valleys beneath through rifts in clouds that had not ventured sohigh, and were drenching the glorious green below with refreshingrains, and have stood awed in the presence of one of the simplestmoods of nature. But the sight that greeted my eyes as I passed alongthat exterior road of Olympus, under the genial auspices of thosewonderful gods, appealed to something in my soul which had neverbefore been awakened, and which I shall never be able adequately todescribe. The mere act of seeing seemed to be uplifting, and, from themoment I looked downward upon the beloved earth, I ceased to wonderthat gods were godlike--indeed, my real wonder was that they were notmore so. It seemed difficult to believe that there was anythingearthly about earth. The world was idealized even to myself, who hadnever held it to be a bad sort of place. There were rich pastures, green to the most soul-satisfying degree, upon which cattle fed andlived their lives of content; here and there were the great cities ofearth seen through a haze that softened all their roughness; nothingsordid appeared; only the fair side of life was visible. 

And I began to see how it came about that these Olympian gods had lostcontrol over man. If the world, with all its joys and all itsmiseries, presents to the controlling power merely its joyous side, what sympathy can one look for in one's deity? There was Paris andNotre Dame in the sunlight. But the Morgue at the back of NotreDame--in the shadow of its sunlit towers--that was not visible to theeye of the casual god who drove his blackamoors along that entrancingroadway. There was London and the inspiring pile of Westminstershowing up its majestic top, lit by the wondrous light of the sun--butstill undiscovered of the gods there rolled on its farther side theThames, dark as the Styx, a very grave of ambition, yet the lastsolace of many a despairing soul. London Bridge may tell the gods ofmuch that may not be seen from that glorious driveway along theexterior of Olympus. 

I found myself growing maudlin, and I pulled myself together. 

"Magnificent view, Sammy, " said I. 

"Yassir, " he replied, trotting along faithfully. "Dass what dey allsays. _I_ 'ain't nebber seen it. 'Ain't got time to look at it. "

"Well, stop a moment and look, " said I. "Isn't it magnificent?"

The blackies stopped and looked. 

"Putty good, " said Sammy, "but I doan' care fo' views, " he added. "Deymakes me dizzy. "

I gave Sammy up from that moment. He was well carved, a work of art, in fact, but he was essentially modern, and I was living in theantique. 

"Hustle along to the Zoo, " I cried, with some impatience, and I wastruly "hustled. "

"Here we is, " said Sammy, settling down on his haunches at the end ofa five-mile trot. "Dis is it. "

We had stopped before a gate not entirely unlike those the Japaneseerect before popular places of amusement they frequent. 

I descended from the chair and was greeted by an attendant whodemanded to know what I wished to see. 

"The animals, " said I. 

He laughed. "Well, " he said, "I'll show you what I've got, but trulymost of them have gone off on vacation. "

"Is the Trojan Horse here?" I demanded. 

"No, " said he. "He's in the repair shop. One of his girders is loose, and the hinges on his door rusted and broke last week. His interiorneeds painting, and his left hind-leg has been wobbly for a long time. It was really dangerous to keep him longer without repairs. "

I was much disappointed. In visiting the Olympian Zoo I was largelyimpelled by a desire to see the Trojan Horse and compare him with theConey Island Elephant, which, with the summer hotels of New Jersey andthe Statue of Liberty, at that time dominated the minor naturalglories of the American coast in the eyes of passengers on in-comingsteamships. I think I should even have ventured a ride in hiscapacious interior despite what Sammy had said of his friskiness andthe peril of his action to persons susceptible to sea-sickness. 

"Too bad, " said I, swallowing my disappointment as best I could. "Still, you have other attractions. How about the Promethean vulture?Is he still living?"

"Unfortunately, no, " said the attendant. "He was taken out last yearand killed. Got too proud to live. He put in a complaint about hisfood. Said Prometheus was a very interesting man, but as a diet he wasmonotonous and demanded a more diversified _menu_. Said he'd like totry Apollo and a Muse or two, for a little while, and preferred Cupidson toast for Sunday-night tea. "

"What a vulturian vulture!" said I. 

"Wasn't he?" laughed the attendant. "We replied by wringing his neck, and served him up in a chicken salad to a party of tourists fromHades. "

This struck me as reasonable, and I said so. 

"Well, whatever you happen to have on hand will satisfy me, " I added. "Just let me see what animals you have and I'll be content. "

"Very well, " replied the attendant. "Step this way. "

He took me along a charming pathway bordered with many a beautifultree and adorned with numerous flowers of wondrous fragrance. 

"This path is not without interest, " he said; "all the trees andshrubs have a history. That laurel over there, for instance, used tobe a Daphne. She and Jupiter had a row and he planted her over there. Makes a very pretty tree, eh?"

"Extremely, " said I. "Have you many similar ventures?"

"Oh yes. Our botanical gardens are full of them, " he replied. "Thosetrees to the right are Baucis and Philemon. That lotos plant on theleft used to be Dryope, and when Adonis isn't busy valeting at thehotel, he comes down here and blooms as an anemone, into which, as youare probably aware, he was changed by Venus. That pink thing by thefountain is Hyacinthus, and over there by the pond is where Narcissusblooms. He's a barber in his off hours. "

I had already learned that, so expressed no surprise. 

"That's a stunning sunflower you have, " I ventured, pointing to aperfect specimen thereof directly ahead of us. 

"Yes, " said the attendant. "That's Clytie. She's only potted. We don'tset her out permanently, because the royal family like to have her onthe table at state dinners. And she, poor girl, rather enjoys it. Apollo is generally to be found at these dinners either as a guest orplaying a zither or a banjo behind a screen. Wherever he is, thesunflower turns and it affords considerable amusement among Jupiter'sguests to watch it. Jupiter has christened Clytie the Sherlock Holmesof Olympus, because wherever Apollo is she spots him. Sometimes whenhe isn't present, he has to be very careful in his statements aboutwhere he has been, for long habit has made Clytie unerring in herinstinct. "

This seemed to me to be a rather good revenge on Apollo for his veryungodlike treatment of Clytie, and if half the attendant told me thatday at the Zoo is true, this excessively fickle Olympian is probablysorry by this time that he treated her originally with such uncalledfor disdain. 

"Come over here and see the bear-pit, " said the guide. I obeyed withalacrity, and, leaning over the rail, had the pleasure of seeing themost beautiful bruin my eyes had ever rested upon. She was as glossyas a new silk hat; her eyes were as soft and timid as those of afrightened deer, and, when she moved, she was the perfection of grace. 

[Illustration: CALLISTO]

"Good-morning, Callisto, " said my guide. 

"Same to you, my dear Cephalus, " the bear returned, in a sweetfeminine voice that entranced me. 

"How are things with you to-day?" asked Cephalus, with a kindly smile. 

"Oh, I can't growl, " laughed Callisto--it was evident that theunfortunate woman was not taking her misfortune too seriously. "Only Iwish you'd tell people who come here that while I undoubtedly am abear, I have not yet lost my womanly taste, and I don't want to be fedall the time on buns. If anybody asks you what you think I'd like, tell them that an occasional _omelette soufflée_, or an oyster pâté, or a platter of _petits fours_ would please me greatly. "

"I shall do it, Callisto, " said the keeper, as he started to moveaway. "Meanwhile, here's a stick of chewing-gum for you. " Callistoreceived it with a manifestation of delight which moved me greatly, and I bethought myself of the magic properties of my coat, andplunging my hand into its capacious pockets, I found there an oysterpâté that made my mouth water, and an _omelette soufflée_ that lookedas if it had been made by a Parisian milliner, it was so dainty. 

"If madam will permit me, " said I, with a bow to Callisto. 

"Thank you kindly, " the bear replied, in that same thrillingly sweetvoice, and dancing with joy. "You are a dear, good man, and if youever have an enemy, let me know and I'll hug him to death. "

As we again turned to go, Cephalus laughed. "Queer case that!" hesaid. "You'd have thought Juno would let up on that poor woman, butshe doesn't for a little bit. "

"Well--a jealous woman, my dear Cephalus--"

"True, " said he. "That's all true enough, but, great Heavens, man, Juno ought to be used to it by this time with a husband like Jupiter. She's overstocked this Zoo a dozen times already with her jealousfreaks, and Jupiter hasn't reformed once. What good does it do?"

"Doesn't she ever let 'em off?" I asked. "Doesn't Callisto ever have aSunday out, for instance?"

"Yes, but always as a bear, and the poor creature doesn't dare takeher chance with the other wild beasts--the real ones. She's just asafraid of bears as she ever was, and if she sees a plain, every-daycow coming towards her, she runs shrieking back to her pit again. "

"Poor Callisto, " said I. "And Actæon? How about him?"

"He's here--but he's a holy terror, " replied Cephalus, shaking hishead. "He gets loose once in a while, and then everybody has to lookout for himself, and frankly, " Cephalus added, his voice sinking to awhisper, "I don't blame him. Diana treated him horribly. "

"I always thought so, " said I. "He really wasn't to blame. "

"Certainly not, " observed Cephalus. "If people will go in swimmingout-of-doors, it's their own fault if chance wayfarers stumble uponthem. To turn a man into a stag and then set his own dogs on him for athing he couldn't help strikes me as rank injustice. "

"Wonder to me that Jupiter doesn't interfere in this business, " saidI. "He could help Callisto out without much trouble. "

"The point about that is that he's afraid, " Cephalus explained. "Junohas threatened to sue him for divorce if he does, and he doesn't darebrave the scandal. "

We had by this time reached a long, low building that looked like astable, and, as we entered, Cephalus observed:

"This is our fire-proof building where we keep our inflammable beasts. That big, sleeping creature that looks like a mastodon lizard is thedragon that your friend St. George, of London, got the best of, andsent here with his compliments. I'll give the beast a prod and let yousee how he works. "

Cephalus was as good as his word, and for a moment I wished he wasn't. Such a din as that which followed the dragon's awakening I never heardbefore, and every time the horrible beast opened his jaws it was as ifa fire-works factory had exploded. 

"Very dangerous creature that, " said Cephalus. "But he is splendidfor fêtes. Shows off beautifully in the dark. I'll prod him again andjust you note the prismatic coloring of his flames. Get up there, Fido, " he added, poking the dragon with his stick a second time. "Wakeup, and give the gentleman an illumination. "

The scene of the moment before was repeated, only with greaterintensity, and even in the sunlight I could see that the various hueshis fiery breathings took on were gorgeous beyond description. Abonfire built of red, pink, green, and yellow lights, backed up bydriftwood in a fearful state of combustion, about describes it. 

"Superb, " said I, nearly overcome by the grandeur of the scene. 

"Well, just imagine it on a dark night!" cried Cephalus, enthusiastically. "Fido is very popular as a living firework, but he'sa costly luxury. "

I laughed. "Costly?" said I. "I don't see why. Fireworks as grand asthat must cost a deal more than he does. "

"You don't know, " said Cephalus, pressing his lips together. "Why, that dragon eats ten tons of cannel coal a day, and it takes thecombined efforts of six stokers, under the supervision of an expertengineer, to keep his appetite within bounds. You never saw such aneater, and as for drinking--well, he's awful. He drinks sixteengallons of kerosene at luncheon. "

I eyed Cephalus narrowly, but beyond a wink at the dragon, I saw noreason to believe that he was deceiving me. 

"Then he sets fire to things, and altogether he's an expensive beastAren't you, Fido?"

"Yep, " barked the dragon. 

"Now, over there, " continued the guide, patting the dragon on thehead, whereat the fearful beast wagged his tail and breathed athousand pounds of steam from his nostrils to express his pleasure. "Over there are the fire-breathing bulls--all the animals here arefire-breathing. The bulls give us a lot of trouble. You can't feed 'emon coal, because their teeth are not strong enough to chew it; and youcan't feed 'em on hay, because they'd set fire to it the minute theybreathed on it; and you can't put 'em out to pasture because they'dwither up a sixty-acre lot in ten minutes. It's an actual fact that wehave to send for Jason three times a day to come here and feed them. He's the only person about who can do it, and how he does it no oneknows. He pats them on the neck, and they stop breathing fire. That'sall we know. "

"But they must eat something. What does Jason give them?" I demanded. 

"We've had to invent a food for them, " said Cephalus. "Dr. Æsculapiusdid it. It's a solution of hay, clover, grass, and paraffine mixedwith asbestos. "

"Paraffine?" I cried. "Why, that's extremely inflammable. "

"So are the bulls, " was Cephalus's rejoinder. "They counteract eachother. " I gazed at the animals with admiration. They were undoubtedlymagnificent beasts, and they truly breathed fire. Their nostrilssuggested the flames that are emitted from the huge naphtha jets thatare used to light modern circuses in country towns, and as for theirmouths, any one who can imagine a bull with a pair of gas-logsilluminating his reflective smile, instead of teeth, may gain acomprehensive idea of the picture that confronted me. 

I had hardly finished looking at these, when Cephalus, impatient tobe through with me, as guides often are with tourists, observed:

"There is the ph[oe]nix. "

I turned instantly. I have always wished to see the ph[oe]nix. A birdhaving apparently the attractive physique of a broiler deliberatelysitting on a bonfire had appealed strongly to my interest as well asto my appetite. 

"Dear me!" said I. "He's not handsome, is he?"

He was not; resembling an ordinary buzzard with wings outstretchedsitting upon that kind of emberesque fire that induces a man in alibrary to think mournfully about the past, and convinceshim--alas!--that if he had the time he could write immortal poetry. 

"Not very!" Cephalus acquiesced. "Still, he's all right in a Zoo. He'squeer. Look at his nest, if you don't believe it. "

[Illustration: I MEET THE PH[OE]NIX]

"I never believed otherwise, my dear Cephalus, " said I. "He seems tome to be a unique thing in poultry. If he were a chicken he would behailed with delight in my country. A self-broiling broiler--!"

The idea was too ecstatic for expression. 

"Well, he isn't a chicken, so your rhapsody doesn't go, " saidCephalus. "He's little short of a buzzard. Useful, but not appetizing. If I were a profane mortal, I should call him a condemned nuisance. Most birds build their own nests, and a well-built nest lasts them awhole season. This infernal bird has to have a furnace-man to make hisbed for him night and morning, and if, by some mischance, the firegoes out, as fires will do in the best-regulated families, he beginsto squawk, and he squawks, and he squawks, and he squawks until thekeeper comes and sets his nest a-blazing again. He has a voice like asick fog-horn that drives everybody crazy. "

"Why don't you fool him sometimes?" I suggested. "Make a nest out of amustard-plaster and see what he would do. "

"He's too old a bird to be caught that way, " said Cephalus. "He's aconfounded old ass, but he's a brainy one. "

At this moment a blare of the most heavenly trumpets sounded, andCephalus and I left the building and emerged into the garden to seewhat had caused it. There a dazzling spectacle met my gaze. A regimentof Amazons was drawn up on the green of the parade and a superb gildedcoach, drawn by six milk-white horses, stood before them, while twogorgeously apparelled heralds sounded a fanfare. Cephalus immediatelybecame deeply agitated. 

"It is his Majesty's own carriage and guard, " he cried. 

"Whose?" said I. 

"Jupiter's, " said he. "I fancy they have come for you. "

And it so transpired. One of the heralds advanced to where I wasstanding, saluted me as though I were an emperor, and, through hisgolden trumpet, informed me that eleven o'clock was approaching; thathis Majesty deigned to grant me the desired audience, and had sent acarriage and guard of honor. 

I returned the salute, thanked Cephalus for his attentions, andentered the carriage. A brass band of a hundred and twenty piecesstruck up an inspiring march, and, preceded and followed by theAmazons, I was conveyed in state to the palatial quarters of Zeushimself. 

It suggested comic opera with a large number of pretty chorus girls, but I could not help being impressed in spite of this thought with thefact that Jupiter knew how to do a thing up in style. I was indeed soawed with it all that I did not dare wink at a single Amazon while _enroute_, although strongly tempted to do so several times. 

IX

Some Account of the Palace of Jupiter

So dazzled was I by all that went on about me, by the gorgeousness ofmy equipage and by the extraordinary richness of the costumes worn bymy escort, that for the moment I forgot that I was not myself clad insuitable garments for so ultra-royal a function. The streets, thehouses, even the throngs that peopled the way, seemed to be of themost lustrous gold, and it became necessary for me from time to timeas we progressed to close my eyes and shut out the too brilliantvision. Fancy a bake-shop built of solid gold nuggets, its large platewindows composed each of one huge, flashing diamond; imagine anexquisitely wrought golden drug-store, whose colored jars in thewindows are made of rubies, emeralds, and sapphires; conjure up inyour mind's eye a sequence of city blocks whose sides are lined bymassive and exquisitely proportioned buildings, every inch of whosefaçade was fashioned, not by stone-cutters and sculptors, but bygoldsmiths, whose genius a Cellini might envy; picture to yourself astreet paved with golden asphalt, and a sidewalk built from huge slabsof rolled silver, the curb and gutters being of burnished copper, andyou'll gain some idea of the thoroughfare along which I passed. Andoh, the music that the band gave forth to which the populace timedtheir huzzas--I nearly went mad with the seductiveness of it all. Ifit hadn't been for the ache the brilliance of it gave to my eyes, Ireally think I should have swooned. 

And then we came to the palace grounds. These, I must confess, I foundfar from pleasing, for even as the avenue along which I had passed wasall gold and silver and gems, so too was the park, in the heart ofwhich stood Jupiter's own apartments made of similar stuff. The treeswere golden, and the leaves rustling in the breeze, catching andreflecting the light of the sun, were blinding. The soft greenness ofthe earthly grass was superseded by the glistening yellow of goldenspears, and here and there, where a drop of dew would have fallen, were diamonds of purest ray. The paths were of silken rugs of richesttexture, and the palace, as it burst upon my vision, fashioned out ofundreamed-of blocks of onyx, resembled more a massive opal filledwith flashing, living, fire, than the mere home of a splendid royalty. 

I was glad when the procession stopped before the gorgeous entrance tothe palace. Another minute of such splendor would have blinded me. Afanfare of trumpets sounded, and I descended, so dizzy with what I hadseen that, as my feet touched the ground, I staggered like a drunkenman, and then I heard my name sounded and passed from one flunky toanother up the magnificent staircase into the blue haze of thehallway, and gradually sounding fainter and fainter until it was lostin the distance of the mysterious corridor. I still staggered as Imounted the steps, and the Major Domo approached me. 

"I trust you are not ill, " he whispered in my ear. 

"No--not ill, " I replied. "Only somewhat flabbergasted by all thismagnificence, and my eyes hurt like the very deuce. "

"It is perhaps too much for mortal eyes, " he said; and then, turningto a gilded Ethiopian who stood close at hand, he observed, quietly, "Rhadamus, run over to the Argus and ask him if he can spare thisgentleman a pair of blue goggles for an hour or two. "

"Better get me a dozen pairs, " I put in. "I don't think one pair willbe enough. It may strain my nose to hold them, but I'd rathersacrifice my nose than my eyes any day. "

But the boy was off, and ere I reached the presence of Jupiter I wasvery kindly provided with the very essential article, and I mustconfess that I found great relief in them. They were so densely bluethat an ordinary bit of splendor could not have been discerned throughtheir opaque depths, any more than Thisbe could have been seen by herdoting lover, Pyramus, through the wall that separated them, butnothing known to man could have shut out the supreme gloriousness ofthe interior of Jupiter's palace. Even with the goggles of the Argusregulated to protect one thousand eyes upon my nose, it made mydazzled optics blink. 

I do not know what the proportions of the palace were. I regret to saythat I forgot to ask, but I am quite confident that I walked at leasteight miles along that corridor, and never was a mansion designed thatwas better equipped in the matter of luxuries. I suspect I shall becharged with exaggerating, but it is none the less true that withinthat spacious building were appliances of every sort known to man. Onedoor opened upon an in-door golf-links, upon which the royal familyplayed whenever they lacked the energy or the disposition to seek outthat on Mars. There were high bunkers, the copse of which was coveredwith richest silk plush, stuffed, I was told, with spun silk, while, in place of sand, tons of powdered sugar and grated nutmegs filled thebunkers themselves. The eighteen holes were laid out so that no two ofthem crossed, and, inasmuch as the turf was constructed of rubberinstead of grass and soil, neither a bad lie nor a dead ball waspossible through the vast extent of the fair green. The water hazards, four in number, were nothing more nor less than huge tanks ofBurgundy, champagne, iced tea, and Scotch--which I subsequentlylearned often resulted in a bad caddie service--and an open brookalong whose dashing descent a constant stream of shandygaff wentmerrily bubbling onward to an in-door sea upon which Jupiter exercisedhis yacht when sailing was the thing to suit his immediate whim. 

This sea was a marvel. Since all the water hazards above describedemptied into it, it was little more than a huge expanse of punch, oneswallow of which, thanks to these ingredients and the sugar and nutmegfrom the bunkers, would make a man forget an eternity of troublesuntil he woke up again, if he ever did. Here Jupiter sported everyvariety of pleasure craft, and, by an ingenious system of funnelsarranged about its sixty-square-mile area, could at a moment's noticeproduce any variety of breeze he chanced to wish; and its submarinebottom was so designed that if a heavy sea were wanted to make theyacht pitch and toss, a simple mechanical device would cause it tohump itself into such corrugations, large or small, as were needed tobring about the desired conditions. 

"Do they allow bathing in that?" I asked, as the Major Domo explainedthe peculiar feature of this in-door sea to me. 

My companion laughed. "Only one person ever tried it with any degreeof success, and it nearly cost him his reputation. Old Bacchusundertook to swim on a wager from Chambertin Inlet to Glenlivet Bay, but he had to give up before he got as far as Pommery Point. It tookhim a year to get rid of his headache, and it actually requiredthree-quarters of the Treasury Reserve to provide gold enough to curehim. "

"It must be a terrible place to fall overboard in, " I suggested. 

"It is, if you fall head first, " said the Major Domo, "and myobservation is that most people do. "

"I should admire to sail upon it, " I said, gazing back through thedoor that opened upon Jupiter's yachting parlors, and realizing on asudden a powerful sense of thirst. 

"I have no doubt you can do so, " said the Major Domo. "Indeed, Iunderstand that his Majesty contemplates taking you for a sail to thelost island of Atlantis before you return to earth. "

"What?" I cried. "The lost island of Atlantis here?"

"Of course, " said my guide. "Why not? It was too beautiful for earth, so Jupiter had it transported to his own private yachting pond, and ithas been here ever since. It is marvellously beautiful. "

Hardly had I recovered from my amazement over the Major Domo'sannouncement when he pointed to another open door. 

"The Royal Arena, " he said, simply. "That is where we have ourOlympian Games. There was a football game there yesterday. Too bad youwere not there. It was the liveliest game of the season. All Hadesplayed the Olympian eleven for the championship of the universe. Welicked 'em four hundred to nothing; but of course we had anexceptional team. When Hercules is in shape there isn't a man-jack inall Hades that can withstand him. He's rush-line, centre, full-back, half-back, and flying wedge, all rolled into one. Then the Hades chapsmade the bad mistake of sending a star team. When you have an elevenmade up of Hannibal and Julius Cæsar and Alexander the Great andNapoleon Bonaparte and the Duke of Wellington and Achilles and otherfellows like that you can't expect any team-play. Each man is thinkingabout himself all the time. Hercules could walk right through 'em, and, when they begin to pose, it's mere child's play for him. The onlychap that put up any game against us at all was Samson, and I tellyou, now that his hair's grown again, he's a demon on the gridiron. But we divided up our force to meet that difficulty. Hercules put therest of our eleven on to Samson, while he took care, personally, ofall the other Hadesians. And you should have seen how he handled them!It was beautiful, all through. He nearly got himself ruled off in thesecond half. He became so excited at one time towards the end that hemistook Pompey for the ball and kicked him through the goal-posts fromthe forty-yard line. Of course, it didn't count, and Herculesapologized so gracefully to the rest of the visitors that theywithdrew their protest and let him play on. "

"I should think he would have apologized to Pompey, " said I. 

[Illustration: "'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'"]

"He will when Pompey recovers consciousness, " said my guide, simply. 

So interested was I in the Royal Arena and its recent game that Iforgot all about Jupiter. 

"I never thought of Hercules as a football player before, " I said, "but it is easy to see how he might become the champion of Olympus. "

"Oh, is it!" laughed the Major Domo. "Well, you'd better not tellJupiter that. Jupiter'd be pleased, he would. Why, my dear friend, he'd pack you back to earth quicker than a wink. He brooks only onechampion of anything here, and that's himself. Hercules threw him in awrestling-match once, and the next day Jupiter turned him into aweeping-willow, and didn't let up on him for five hundred yearsafterwards. "

By this time we had reached one of the most superbly vaulted chambersit has ever been my pleasure to look upon. Above me the ceilingseemed to reach into infinity, and on either side were huge recessesand alcoves of almost unfathomable depth, lit by great balls of firethat diffused their light softly and yet brilliantly through all partsand corners of the apartment. 

"The library, " said the Major Domo, pointing to tier upon tier ofteeming shelves, upon which stood a wonderful array of exquisitelybound volumes to a number past all counting. 

I was speechless with the grandeur of it all. 

"It is sublime, " said I. "How many volumes?"

"Unnumbered, and unnumberable by mortals, but in round, immortalfigures just one jovillion. "

"One jovillion, eh?" said I. "How many is that in mortal figures?"

"A jovillion is the supreme number, " explained the guide. "It is theinfinity of millions, and therefore cannot be expressed in mortalterms. "

"Then, " said I, "you can have no more books. "

"No, " said he. "But what of that? We have all there are and all thatare to be. You see, the library is divided into three parts. On theright-hand side are all the books that ever have been written; here tothe left you see all the books that are being written; and fartheralong, beginning where that staircase rises, are all the books thatever will be written. "

I gasped. If this were true, this wonderful collection must contain myown complete works, some of which I have doubtless not even thought ofas yet. How easy it would be for me, I thought, to write my futurebooks if Jupiter would only let me loose here with a competentstenographer to copy off the pages of manuscript as yet undreamed of!I suggested this to the Major Domo. 

"He wouldn't let you, " he said. "It would throw the whole scheme outof gear. "

"I don't see why, " I ventured. 

"It is simple, " rejoined the Major Domo. "If you were permitted toread the books that some day will be identified with your name, as asensible man, observing beforehand how futile and trivial they are tobe, some of them, you wouldn't write them, and so you would be able toavoid a part, at least, of your destiny. If mortals were able to dothat--well, they'd become immortals, a good many of them. "

I realized the justice of this precaution, and we passed on insilence. 

"Now, " said the Major Domo, after we had traversed the length of thelibrary, "we are almost there. That gorgeous door directly ahead ofyou is the entrance to Jupiter's reception-room. Before we enter, however, we must step into the office of Midas, on the left. "

"Midas?" I said. "And what, pray, is his function? Is he theregistrar?"

"No, indeed, " laughed the Major Domo. "I presume down where you livehe would be called the Court Tailor. The sartorial requirements ofJupiter are so regal that none of his guests, invited or otherwise, could afford, even with the riches of Cr[oe]sus, to purchase theapparel which he demands. Hence he keeps Midas here to supply, at hisexpense, the garments in which his visitors may appear before him. Youdidn't think you were going into Jupiter's presence in those golfduds, did you?"

"I never thought anything about it, " said I. "But how long will ittake Midas to fit me out?"

"He touches your garments, that's all, " said my guide, "and in thatinstant they are changed to robes of richest gold. We then place anecklace of gems about your neck, composed of rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and sapphires, alternating with pearls, none smaller than ahen's egg; next we place a jewelled staff of ebony in your hand; agolden helmet, having at either side the burnished wings of theimperial eagles of Jove, and bearing upon its crest an opal thatglistens like the sun through the slight haze of a translucent cloud, will be placed upon your head; richly decorated sandals of cloth ofgold will adorn your feet, and about your waist a girdle of linkeddiamonds--beside which the far-famed Orloff diamond of the Russiantreasury is an insignificant bit of glass--will be clasped. "

"And--wha--wha--what becomes of all this when I get back home?" Igasped, a vision of future ease rising before my tired eyes. 

"You take it with you, if you can, " laughed the Major Domo, with a slywink at one of the Amazons who accompanied him as a sort of aide. 

It was all as he said. In two minutes I had entered the room of Midas;in three minutes, my golf-coat having been removed, a flowing gown ofsilk, touched by his magic hand and turned to glittering gold, restedupon my shoulders. It was pretty heavy, but I bore up under it; thehelmet and the necklace, the shoes and the girdle were adjusted; thestaff was placed in my hand, and with beating heart I emerged oncemore into the corridor and stood before the door leading into theaudience-chamber. 

"Remove the goggles, " whispered the Major Domo. 

"Never!" I cried. "I shall be blinded. "

"Nonsense!" said he, quickly. "Off with them, " and he flicked themfrom my nose himself. 

A great blare of trumpets sounded, the door was thrown wide, and witha cry of amazement I stepped backward, awed and afraid; but one glancewas reassuring, for truly a wonderful sight confronted me, and onethat will prove as surprising to him who reads as it was to me uponthat marvellous day. 

X

An Extraordinary Interview

I had expected to witness a scene of grandeur, and my fancy hadconjured up, as the central figure thereof, the majestic form of Jovehimself, clad in imperial splendor. But it was the unexpected thathappened, for, as the door closed behind me, I found myself in a plainsort of workshop, such as an ordinary man would have in his own house, at one end of which stood a rolling-top desk, and, instead of thedazzling throne I had expected to see, there stood in front of it anordinary office-chair that twirled on a pivot. Books and papers werestrewn about the floor and upon the tables; the pictures on the wallswere made up largely of colored sporting prints of some rarity, and ina corner stood a commonplace globe such as is to be found in use inpublic schools to teach children geography. As I glanced about me myfirst impression was that by some odd mischance I had got into thewrong room, which idea was fortified by the fact that, instead of animperial figure clad in splendid robes, a quiet-looking old gentleman, who, except for his dress, might have posed for a cartoon of theaccepted American Populist, stood before me. He was dressed in a plainfrock-coat, four-in-hand tie, high collar, dark-gray trousers, andpatent-leather boots, and was brushing up a silk hat as I entered. 

"Excuse me, sir, " I said, "but I--I fear I have stumbled into thewrong room. I--ah--I have had the wholly unexpected honor to begranted an audience with Jupiter, and I was told that this was theaudience-chamber. "

"Don't apologize. Sit down, " he replied, taking me by the hand andshaking it cordially. "You are all right; I'm glad to see you. Howgoes the world with you?"

"Very well indeed, sir, " I replied, rather embarrassed by the oldfellow's cordiality. "But I really can't sit down, because, you know, I--I don't want to keep his Majesty waiting, and if you'll excuse me, I'll--"

"Oh, nonsense!" he retorted. "Let the old man wait. Sit down and talkto me. I don't get a chance to talk with mortals very often. This isyour first visit to Olympus?"

"Yes, sir, " I said, still standing. "And it is wholly unexpected. Istumbled upon the place by the merest chance last night--but you_must_ let me go, sir. I'll come back later very gladly and talk withyou if I get a chance. It will never do for me to keep his Majestywaiting, you know. "

"Oh, the deuce with his Majesty, " said the old gentleman, testily. "What do you want to see him for? He's an old fossil. "

"Granted, " said I. "Still, I'm interested in old fossils. "

The old gentleman roared with laughter at this apparently simpleremark. I didn't see the fun of it myself, and his mirth irritated me. 

"Excuse me, my dear sir, " I said, trying to control my impatience. "But you don't seem to understand my position. I can't stay here andtalk to you while the ruler of Olympus waits. Can't you see that?"

"No, I can't, " he replied. "Can't see it at all, and I'm a pretty goodseer as a general thing, too. If you didn't wish to see me, you hadno business to come into my room. Now that you are here, I'm going tokeep you for a little while. Take off that absurd-looking tile and sitdown. "

At this I grew angry. I wasn't responsible for the helmet I wore, andI had felt all along that I looked like an ass in it. 

"I'll do nothing of the sort, you confounded old meddler, " I cried. "I've come here on invitation, and, if I've got into the wrong room, it isn't my fault. That jackass of a Major Domo told me this was theplace. Let me out. "

I strode to the doorway, and the old gentleman turned to his desk andopened a drawer. 

"Cigar or cigarette?" he said, calmly. 

"Neither, you old fool, " I retorted, turning the knob and tugging uponit. "I have no time for a smoke. "

The door was locked. The old gentleman settled back in his twirlingchair and regarded me with a twinkle in his eye as I vainly tried topull the door open, and I realized that I was helpless. 

"Better sit down and enjoy a quiet smoke with me, " he said, calmly. "Take off that absurd-looking tile and talk to me. "

"I haven't anything to say to you, " I replied. "Not a word. Do youintend to let me out of this or not?"

"All in good time--all in good time, " he said. "Let's talk it over. Why do you wish to go? Don't you find me good company?"

"You're a stupid old idiot!" I shouted, almost weeping with rage. "Locking me up in your rotten old den here when you must realize whatyou are depriving me of. What earthly good it does you I can't see. "

[Illustration: "THE DOOR WAS LOCKED"]

"It does me lots of good, " he said, with a chuckle. "Really, sir, itgives me a new sensation--first new sensation I have had in a long, long time. Let me see now, just how many names have you called me inthe three minutes I have had the pleasure of your acquaintance?"

"Give me time, and I'll call you a lot more, " I retorted, sullenly. 

"Good--I'll give you the time, " he said. "Go ahead. I'll listen to youfor a whole hour. What am I besides a meddler, and a stupid old idiot, and an old fool?"

"You're a gray-headed maniac, and a--a zinc-fastened Zany. A dodderingdotard and a chimerical chump, " I said. 

"Splendid!" roared he, with a spasm of laughter that seemed nearly torend him. "Go on. Keep it up. I am enjoying myself hugely. "

"You're a sneak-livered poltroon to treat me this way, " I added, indignantly. 

"That's the best yet, " he interrupted, slapping his knee with delight. "Sneak-livered poltroon, eh? Well, well, well. Go on. Go on. "

"If you'll give me a copy of Roget's _Thesaurus_, I'll tell you whatelse you are, " I retorted, with a note of sarcasm in my voice. "Itwill require a reference to that book to do you justice. I can't beginto carry all that you are in my mind. "

"With pleasure, " said he, and reaching over to his bookcase he tookthence the desired volume and handed it to me. "Proceed, " he added. "Iam all ears. "

"Most jackasses are, " I returned, savagely. 

"Magnificent, " he cried, ecstatically. "You are a genius at epithet. But there's the book. Let me light a cigar for you and then you canbegin. Only _do_ take off that absurd tile. You don't know howsupremely unbecoming it is. "

There was nothing for it, so I resolved to make the best of it bymeeting the disagreeable old pantaloon on his own ground. I lit one ofhis cigars and sat down to tell the curious old freak what I thoughtof him. Ordinarily I would have avoided doing this, but his tyrannicalexercise of his temporary advantage made me angry to the very core ofmy being. 

"Ready?" said I. 

"Quite, " said he. "Don't stint yourself. Just behave as if you'd knownme all your life. I sha'n't mind. "

And I began: "Well, after referring to the word 'idiot' in the index, just to get a lead, " I said, "I shall begin by saying that you areevidently a hebetudinous imbecile, an indiscriminate stult--"

"Hold on!" he cried. "What's that last? I never heard the termbefore. "

"Stult--an indiscriminate stult, " I said, scornfully. "I invented theword myself. Real words won't describe you. Stult is a new term, meaning all kinds of a fool, plus two. And I've got a few more if youwant them. "

"Want them?" he cried. "By Vulcan, I dote upon them! They are nectarto my thirsty ears. Go on. "

"You are a senseless frivoler, a fugacious gid, an infamoushoddydoddy; you are a man with the hoe with the emptiness of ages inyour face; you are a brother to the ox, with all the dunderingniziness of a plain, ordinary buzzard added to your shallow-brainedasininity. Now will you let me go?"

"Not I, " said he, shaking his head as if he relished a situation whichwas gradually making a madman of me. "I'd like to oblige you, but Ireally can't. You are giving me too much pleasure. Is there nothingmore you can call me?"

"You're a dizzard!" I retorted. "And a noodle and a jolt-head; you'rea jobbernowl and a doodle, a maundering mooncalf and a blockheadednumps, a gaby and a loon; you're a _Hatter_!" I shrieked the lastepithet. 

"Heavens!" he cried, "A Hatter! Am I as bad as that?"

"Oh, come now, " I said, closing the _Thesaurus_ with a bang. "Havesome regard for my position, won't you?"

I had resolved to appeal to his better nature. "I don't know who thedickens you are. You may be the three wise men of Gotham who went tosea in a bowl rolled into one, for all I know. You may be any oldthing. I don't give a tinker's cuss what you are. Under ordinarycircumstances I've no doubt I should find you a very pleasant oldgentleman, but under present conditions you are a blundering oldbore. "

"That's not bad--indeed, a blundering old bore is pretty good. Let mesee, " he continued, looking up the word "bore" in the index of the_Thesaurus_, "What else am I? Maybe I'm an unmitigated nuisance, anexasperating and egregious glum, a carking care, and a pestiferouspill, eh?"

"You are all of that, " I said, wearily. "Your meanness surpasseth allthings. I've met a good many tough characters in my day, but you arethe first I have ever encountered without a redeeming feature. Youtake advantage of a mistake for which I am not at all responsible, andwhat do you do?"

"Tell me, " he replied. "What do I do? I shall be delighted to hear. I've been asking myself that question for years. What do I do? Go on, I implore you. "

"You rub it in, that's what, " I retorted. "You take advantage of me. You bait me; you incommode me. You--you--"

"Here, take the _Thesaurus_, " he said, as I hesitated for the word. "It will help you. I provoke you, I irritate you, I make you mad, Isour your temper, I sicken, disgust, revolt, nauseate, repel you. Irankle your soul. I jar you--is that it?"

"Give me the book, " I cried, desperately. "Yes!" I added, referring tothe page. "You tease, irk, harry, badger, infest, persecute. You gall, sting, and convulse me. You are a plain old beast, that's what youare. You're a conscienceless sneak and a wherret--you mean-souled bloton the face of nature!"

Here I broke down and wept, and the old gentleman's sides shook withlaughter. He was, without exception, the most extraordinary old personI had ever encountered, and in my tears I cursed the English languagebecause it was inadequate properly to describe him. 

For a time there was silence. I was exhausted and my tormentor wasgiven over to his own enjoyment of my discomfiture. Finally, however, he spoke. 

"I'm a pretty old man, my dear fellow, " he said. "I shouldn't like totell you how old, because if I did you'd begin on the _Thesaurus_again with the word 'liar' for your lead. Nevertheless, I'm prettyold; but I want to say to you that in all my experience I have neverhad so diverting a half-hour as you have given me. You have been sooutspoken, so frank--"

"Oh, indeed--I've been frank, have I?" I interrupted. "Well, what Ihave said isn't a marker to what I'd like to have said and would havesaid if language hadn't its limitations. You are the infinity of theunmitigated, the supreme of the superfluous. In unqualified, inexcusable, unsurpassable meanness you are the very IT!"

"Sir, " said the old gentleman, rising and bowing, "you are a man ofunusual penetration, and I like you. I should like to see more of you, but your hour has expired. I thank you for your pleasant words, and Ibid you an affectionate good-morning. "

A deep-toned bell struck the hour of twelve. A fanfare of trumpetssounded outside, and the huge door flew open, and without a word inreply, glad of my deliverance, I turned and fled precipitately throughit. The sumptuous guard stood outside to receive me, and as the doorclosed behind me the band struck up a swelling measure that I shallnot soon forget. 

"Well, " said the Major Domo, as we proceeded back to my quarters, "didhe receive you nicely?"

"Who?" said I. 

"Jupiter, of course, " he said. 

"I didn't see him, " I replied, sadly. "I fell in with a beastly oldbore who wouldn't let go of me. You showed me into the wrong room. Whowas that old beggar, anyhow?"

"Beggar?" he cried. "Wrong room? Beggar?"

"Certainly, " said I. "Beggar is mild, I admit. But he's all that andmuch more. Who is he?"

"I don't know what you mean, " replied the Major Domo. "But you havebeen for the last hour with his Majesty himself. "

"What?" I cried. "I--that old man--we--"

"The old gentleman was Jupiter. Didn't he tell you? He made a specialeffort to make you feel at home--put himself on a purely mortalbasis--"

I fell back, limp and nerveless. 

"What will he think of me?" I moaned, as I realized what hadhappened. 

[Illustration: "'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I--THAT OLD MAN--WE'"]

"He thinks you are the best yet, " said the Major Domo. "He has sentword by his messenger, Mercury, that the honors of Olympus are to beshowered upon you to their fullest extent. He says you are the onlyfrank mortal he ever met. "

And with this I was escorted back to my rooms at the hotel, impressedwith the idea that all is not lead that doesn't glitter, and when Ithought of my invention of the word "stult, " I began to wish I hadnever been born. 

XI

A Royal Outing

As may be imagined after my untoward interview with Jupiter, the stateof my mind was far from easy. It is not pleasant to realize that youhave applied every known epithet of contempt to a god who has anoff-hand way of disposing of his enemies by turning them intoapple-trees, or dumb beasts of one kind or another, and upon retiringto my room I sat down and waited in great dread of what should happennext. I couldn't really believe that the Major Domo's statement as tomy having been forgiven was possible. It predicated too great amagnanimity to be credible. 

"I hope to gracious he won't make a pine-tree of me, " I groaned, visions of a future in which woodmen armed with axes, and sawmills, played a conspicuous part, rising up before me. "I'd hate like time tobe sawed up into planks and turned into a Georgia pine floorsomewhere. "

It was a painful line of thought and I strove to get away from it, butwithout success, although the variations were interesting when Ithought of all the things I might be made into, such as kitchentables, imitation oak bookcases, or perhaps--horror of horrors--abundle of toothpicks! I was growing frantic with fear, when on asudden my reveries of dread were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

"It has come at last!" I said, and I opened the door, nerving myselfup to sustain the blow which I believed was impending. Mercury stoodwithout, flapping the wings that sprouted from his ankles impatiently. 

"The skitomobile is ready, sir, " he said. 

I gazed at him earnestly. 

"The what?"

"The skitomobile, to take you to the links. Jupiter has already goneon ahead, and he has commanded me to follow, bringing you along withme. "

"Oh--I'm to go to the links, eh? What's he going to do with me when hegets me there? Turn me into a golf-ball and drive me off into space?"I inquired. 

My heart sank at the very idea, but I was immediately reassured byMercury's hearty laugh. 

"Of course not--why should he? He's going to play you aneighteen-hole match. You've made a great impression on the oldgentleman. "

"Thank Heaven!" I said. "I'll hurry along and join him before hechanges his mind. "

In a brief while I was ready, and, escorted by Mercury, I was taken tothe skitomobile which stood at the exit from the hall to the outerroadway nearest my room. Seated in front of this, and acting aschauffeur, was a young man whom I recognized at once as Phaeton. Alongside of him sat Jason, polishing up the most beautiful set ofgolf-clubs I ever saw. The irons were of wrought gold, and the shaftsof the most highly polished and exquisite woods. 

"To the links, " said Mercury, and with a sudden chug-chug, and a jerkwhich nearly threw me out of the conveyance, we were off. And what aride it was! At first the sensation was that of falling, and Iclutched nervously at the sides of the skitomobile, but by slowdegrees I got used to it, and enjoyed one of the most exhilaratinghours that has ever entered into my experience. 

Planet after planet was passed as we sped on and on upward, and as mydelight grew I gave utterance to it. 

"Jove! But this is fine!" I said. "I never knew anything like it, except looping the loop. "

Phaeton grinned broadly and winked at Jason. 

"How would you like to loop the loop out here?" the latter asked. 

"What? In a machine like this?" I cried. 

"Certainly, " said Jason. "It's great sport. Give him the twist, Phaeton. "

I began to grow anxious again, for I recalled the past carelessmethods of Phaeton, and I had no wish to go looping the loop throughthe empyrean with one of his known adventurous disposition, to behurled unceremoniously sooner or later perhaps into the sun itself. 

"Perhaps we'd better leave it until some other day, " I ventured, timidly. 

"No time like the present, " Jason retorted. "Only hang on to yourself. All ready, Phaety!"

The chauffeur grasped the lever, and, turning it swiftly to one side, there in the blue vault of heaven, a thousand miles from anywhere, that machine began executing the most remarkable flip-flaps the mindof man ever conceived. Not once or twice, but a hundred times did wego whirling round and round through the skies, until finally I got sothat I could not tell if I were right side up or upside down. It wasgreat sport, however, and but for the fact that on the third trial Ilost my grip and would have fallen head over heels through space hadnot Mercury, who was flying alongside of the machine, swooped down andcaught me by the leg as I fell out, I found it as exhilarating as itwas novel. I could have kept it up forever, had we not shortly hove insight of the links, which, as I have already told you, were located onthe planet Mars; and such gorgeousness as I there encountered wasunparalleled on earth. Much that we earth-folk have wondered at becameclear at once. The great canals, as we call them, for instance, turnedout to be vast sand-bunkers that glistened like broad rivers of silverin the wondrous sheen of the planet, while the dark greenish spots, concerning which our astronomers have speculated so variously, werenothing more nor less than putting-greens. It is extraordinary thatuntil my visit to the planet as the guest of Jupiter, this perfectlysimple solution of the various Martian problems was not even guessed. 

As we drew up at the pretty little club-house, Jupiter emerged fromthe door and greeted me cordially. My eyes fell before his smilinggaze, for I must confess I was mighty shamefaced over my experience ofthe morning, but his manner restored my self-possession. It was verygenial and forgiving. 

"Glad to see you again, " he said. "If you play golf as well as you dosynonyms you're a scratch man. You didn't foozle a syllable. "

"I should have, had I known as much as I do now, " said I. 

"Well, I'm glad you didn't know, " Jupiter returned majestically, "forI can use that word stult in my business. Now suppose we have a bit ofluncheon and then start out. "

After eating sparingly we began our game. I was provided with a caddiethat looked like one of Raphael's angels, and Jupiter himself handedme a driver from his own bag. 

"You'll have to be careful how you use it, " he said; "it hasproperties which may astonish you. "

I teed up my ball, swung back, and then with all the vigor at mycommand whacked the ball square and true. It sprang from the tee likea bird let loose and flew beyond my vision, and while I was tryingwith my eye to keep up with it in its flight, I received a stingingblow on the back of my head which felled me to the ground. 

"Thunderation!" I roared. "What was that?"

Jupiter laughed. "It was your own ball, " he said. "You put too muchmuscle into that stroke, and, as a consequence, the ball flew all theway round the planet and clipped you from behind. "

"You don't mean to say--" I began. 

"Yes, I do, " said Jupiter. "That is a special long-distance drivermade for me. Only had it two days. It is not easy to use, because ithas such wonderful force. Hercules drove a ball three times around theplanet at one stroke with it yesterday. To use it properly requiresjudgment. Up here you have to play golf with your head, as well aswith your clubs. "

"Well, I played it with mine all right, " I put in, rubbing the lump onthe back of my head ruefully. "Shall I play two?"

"Certainly, " said Jupiter. "You've a good brassey lie behind the teethere. Play gently now, for this hole isn't more than three hundredmiles long. "

My brassey stroke is one of my best, and I did myself proud. The ballflew about one hundred and seventy-nine miles in a straight line, butlanded in a sand-bunker. Jupiter followed with a good clean drive fortwo hundred miles, breaking all the records previously stated to me byAdonis, whereupon we entered the skitomobile and were promptlytransported to the edge of the bunker, where my ball reposed upon theglistening sand. It took three to get out, owing to the height of thecop, which rose a trifle higher in the air than Mount Blanc, but theniblick Jason had brought along for my use, as soon as I got used tothe titanic quality of the game I was playing, was finally equal tothe loft. My ball landed just short of the green, one hundred andsixteen miles away. Jupiter foozled his approach, and we both reachedthe edge of the green in four. 

"Bully distance for a putt, " said Jupiter, taking the line from hisball to the hole. 

"About how far is it?" I asked, for I couldn't see anythingresembling a hole within a mile of me. 

"Oh, five miles, I imagine, " was the answer. "Put on these glasses andyou'll see the disk. "

My courteous host handed me a pair of spectacles which I put upon mynose, and there, seemingly two inches away, but in reality five and aquarter miles, was the hole. The glasses were a revelation, but I hadseen too much that was wonderful to express surprise. 

"Dead easy, " I said, referring to the putt, now that I had the glasseson. 

"Looks so, " said Jupiter, "but be careful. You can't hope to puttuntil you know your ball. "

At the moment I did not understand, but a minute after I had a shock. Putting perfectly straight, the ball rolled easily along and then madea slight hitch backward, as if I had put a cut on it, and struck offahead, straight as an arrow but to the left of the disk. This itcontinued to do in its course, zigzagging more and more out of thestraight line until it finally stopped, quite two and a half milesfrom the cup. 

"Now watch me, " said Jupiter. "You'll get an idea of how the ballworks. "

I obeyed, and was surprised to see him aim at a point at least a mileaside of the mark, but the results were perfect, for the gutty, actingprecisely as mine did, zigzagged along until it reached the rim of thecup and then dropped gently in. 

"One up, " said Jupiter, with a broad smile as he watched myill-repressed wonderment. 

As we were transported to the next tee by Phaeton and his machine, Ilooked at my ball, and the peculiarity of its make became clear atonce. It was called "The Vulcan, " and in action had precisely thesame movement as that of a thunder-bolt--thus:

[Illustration]

"Great ball, eh?" said Jupiter. "Adds a lot to the science of thegame. A straight putt is easy, but the zigzag is no child's play. "

"I think I shall like it, " I said, "if I ever get used to it. "

The second hole reached, I was astonished to see a huge apparatus likea cannon on the tee, and in fact that is what it turned out to be. 

"We call this the Cannon Hole, " said Jupiter. "It lends variety to thegame. It's a splendid test of your accuracy, and if you don't make itin one you lose it. If you will put on those glasses you will see thehole, which is in the middle of a target. You've got to go through itat one stroke. "

"That isn't golf, is it?" I asked. "It's marksmanship. "

"I call it so, " said Jupiter, calmly. "And what I say goes. Moreover, it requires much skill to offset the effect of the wind. "

"But there is none, " said I. 

"There will be, " said Jupiter, putting his ball in the cannon's breachand making ready to drive. "You see those huge steel affairs on eitherside of the course, that look like the ventilators on an oceansteamer?"

"Yes, " said I, for as I looked I perceived that this part of thecourse was studded with them. 

"Well, they supply the wind, " said Jupiter. "I just ring a bell andÆolus sets his bellows going, and I tell you the winds you get arecyclonic, and, best of all, they blow in all directions. From thefirst ventilator the wind is northeast by south; from the second itis southwest by north-northeast; from the third it is straight north, and so on. Winds are blowing at the moment of play from all possiblepoints of the compass. Fore!"

A bell rang, and never in a wide experience in noises had I everbefore heard such a fearful din as followed. A hurricane sprang fromone point, a gale from another, a cyclone from a third--such an æolianpurgatory was never let loose in my sight before, but Jupiter, gaugingeach and all, fired his ball from the cannon, and it sped on, buffetedhere and there, now up, now down, like a bit of fluff in the chancezephyrs of the spring-tide, but ultimately passing through the hole inthe target, and landing gently in a basket immediately behind thebull's-eye. The winds immediately died down, and all was quiet again. 

"Perfectly great!" I said, with enthusiasm, for it did seemmarvellous. "But I don't think I can do it. You win, of course. "

"Not at all, " said Jupiter. "If you hit the bull's-eye, as I did, youwin. "

"And you lose in spite of that splendid--er--stroke?" I asked. 

"Oh no--not at all, " said Jupiter. "We both win. "

Again the bell rang, and the winds blew, and the cannon shot, but myball, under the excitement of the moment of aiming, was directed nottowards the bull's-eye--or the hole--but at the skitomobile. It hit itfairly and hard, and it smashed the engine by which the machine waspropelled, much to the consternation of Jason and Phaeton. 

"Unfortunate, " said Jupiter. "Very. But never mind. We don't have towalk home. "

"I'm awfully sorry, " said I. "I--er--"

"Never mind, " said Jupiter. "It is easily repaired, but we cannot goon with the game. The next hole is eight thousand miles long. Twicearound the planet, and we couldn't possibly walk it, so we'll have toquit. We've got all we can manage trudging back to the club-house. Here, caddies, take our clubs back to the club-house, and tell 'em tohave two nectar high-balls ready at six-thirty. Phaeton, you and Jasonwill have to get back the best way you can. I've told you a half-dozentimes to bring two machines with you, but you never seem tounderstand. Come along, Higgins, we'll go back. Shut your eyes. "

I closed my optics, as ordered, although my name is not Higgins, and Ididn't like to have even Jupiter so dub me. 

"Now open them again, " was the sharp order. 

I did so, and lo and behold! by some supernatural power we had beentransported back to the club-house. 

"I am sorry, Jupiter, " said I "to have spoiled your game, " as we sat, later, sipping that delicious concoction, the nectar high-ball, whichwe supplemented with a "Pegasus's neck. "

"Nonsense, " said he, grandly. "You haven't spoiled my _game_. You havemerely, without meaning to do so, spoiled your own afternoon. My gameis all right and will remain so. It would have been a great pleasureto me to show you the other sixteen holes, but circumstances wereagainst us. Take your nectar and let us trot along. You dine with Junoand myself to-night. Let's see, I was two up, wasn't I?"

"Two up, and sixteen to play. "

"Then I win, " said he. It was an extraordinary score, but then it wasan extraordinary occasion. 

And we entered his chariot, and were whirled back to Olympus. The ridehome was not as exciting as the ride out, but it was interesting. Itlasted about a half of a millionth of a second, and for the first timein my life I knew how a telegram feels when it travels from New Yorkto San Francisco, and gets there apparently three hours before it issent by the clock. 

XII

I am Dismissed

It was a very interesting programme for my further entertainment thatJupiter mapped out on our way back from the links, and I deeply regretthat an untoward incident that followed later, for which I wasunintentionally responsible, prevented its being carried out. I was tohave been taken off on a cruise on the inland sea, to where the lostisland of Atlantis was to be found; a special tournament at ping-pongwas to be held in my honor, in which minor planets were to be usedinstead of balls, and the players were to be drawn from among theTitans, who were retained to perform feats of valor, skill, andstrength for Jupiter. The forge of Vulcan was to be visited, and manyof the mysteries of the centre of the earth were to be revealed, and, best of all, Jupiter himself had promised to give me an exhibition ofhis own skill as a marksman in the hurling of thunder-bolts, and _Iwas to select the objects to be hit!_ Think of it! What a chance layhere for a man to be rid of certain things on earth that he did notlike! What a vast amount of ugly American architecture one could berid of in the twinkling of an eye! What a lot of enemies and eyesoresit was now in my power to have removed by an electrical processavailed of in the guise of sport! I spent an hour on that list oftargets, and if only I had been allowed to prolong my stay in the homeof the gods, the world itself would have benefited, for I was notaltogether personal in my selection of things for Jupiter to aim at. There was Tammany Hall, for instance, and the Boxers of China--theseled my list. There were four or five sunlight-destroying, sky-scrapingoffice buildings in New York and elsewhere; nuisances of every kindthat I could think of were put down--the headquarters of the BeefTrust and a few of its sponsors; the editorial offices of the peevishand bilious newspapers, which deny principles and right motives to allsave themselves; a regiment of alleged humorists who make jokes aboutthe mother-in-law and other sacred relations of life; an opera-boxfull of the people who hum every number of Wagner and Verdi through, and keep other people from hearing the singers; row after row oftheatre-goers who come in late and trample over the virtuous folk whohave arrived punctually; any number of theatrical managers who mistakegloom for amusement; three or four smirking matinée idols, whosetalents are measured by the fit of their clothes, the length of theirhair, and their ability to spit supernumeraries with a tin sword;cab-drivers who had overcharged me; insolent railway officials; theNew York Central Tunnel--indeed, the completed list stretches on tosuch proportions that it would require more pages than this bookcontains to present them in detail. I even thought of includingHippopopolis in the list, but when I realized that it was entirelyowing to his villany that I had enjoyed the delightful privilege ofvisiting the gods in their own abode, I spared him. And to think thatbecause of an unintentional error this great opportunity to rid theworld, and incidentally myself, of much that is vexatious was whollylost is a matter of sincere grief to myself. 

It happened in this way: Hardly had I returned to my delightfulapartment at the hotel, when a messenger arrived bearing a superblyengraved command from Jupiter to dine with himself and Juno _enfamille_. It was a kind, courteous, and friendly note, utterly devoidof formality, and we were to spend the evening at cards. Jupiter hadindicated in the afternoon that he would like to learn bridge, and, inasmuch as I never travel anywhere without a text-book upon thatfascinating subject, I had volunteered to teach him. The dinner wasgiven largely to enable me to do this, and, moreover, Jupiter wasquite anxious to have me meet his family, and promised me that beforethe evening was over I should hear some music from the lyre of Apollo, meet all the muses, and enjoy a chafing-dish snack prepared by thefair hand of Juno herself. 

"I'll have Polyphemus up to give us a few coon songs if you likethem, " he added, "and altogether I can promise you a delightfulevening. We drop all our state at these affairs, and I know you'llenjoy yourself. "

"I shall feel a trifle embarrassed in the presence of so many gods andgoddesses, I am afraid, " I put in. 

"I'll fix you out as to that, " Jupiter replied. "I'll change you forthe time being into a god yourself, if you wish. "

I laughed at the idea. 

"A high old god I'd make, " said I. 

"You'd pass, " he observed, quietly. "I'll call you Pencillius, god ofChirography--or would you rather come as Nonsensius, the newlydiscovered deity of Jocosity?"

"I think I'd rather be Zero, god of Nit, " said I, and it was soordained. 

Of course, I accepted the invitation and was on hand at the palace, as I thought, promptly. As a matter of fact, my watch having in somemysterious fashion been affected by the excitement of the adventure, got galloping away just as my own heart had done more than once. Theresult was that, instead of arriving at the palace at eight o'clock, as I was expected to do, I got there at seven. Of course, my exaltedhosts were not ready to receive me, and there were no other guests tobear me company and keep me out of mischief in the drawing-room, wherefor an hour I was compelled to wait. At first all went well. I foundmuch entertainment in the room, and on the centre-table, a beautifulbit of furniture, carved out of one huge amethyst, I discovered anumber of books and magazines, which kept me tolerably busy for ahalf-hour. There was a finely bound copy of _Don'ts for the Gods, orCelestial Etiquette_, in which I found many valuable hints on theprocedure of Olympian society--notably one injunction as to the use offinger-bowls, from which I learned that the gods in their lavishnesshave a bowl for each finger; and a little volume by Bacchus on_Intemperance_, which I wish I might publish for the benefit of myfellow-mortals. All I remember about it at the moment of writing isthat the author seriously enjoins upon his readers the wickedness ofdrinking more than sixty cocktails a day, and utterly deprecates thehabit of certain Englishmen of drinking seven bottles of port at asitting. Bacchus seemed to think that, with the other wines incidentalto a dinner, no one, not even an Englishman, should attempt to absorbmore than five bottles of port over his coffee. It struck me as beingrather good advice. 

Wearying of the reading at the end of a half-hour, I began a closerinspection of the room and its contents. It was full of novelties, and, naturally, gorgeous past all description; but what most excitedmy curiosity was a small cabinet, not unlike a stereoscope in shape, which stood in one corner of the room. It had a button at one side, over which was a gilt tablet marked "Push. " On its front was thelegend, "Drop a Nickel in the Slot, Push the Button, and See theFuture. " I followed the instructions eagerly. The nickel was dropped, the button pushed, and, putting my eyes before the lenses, I gazedinto the remotest days to come. I had come across the Futuroscope, otherwise a kinetoscope with the gift of prophecy. The coming yearpassed rapidly, and I saw what fate had in store for the world for thetwelve months immediately ahead of me; then followed a decade, then acentury, and then others, until, just as I was approaching the dreadcataclysm which is to mark the end of all mortal things, I heard aquick, startled voice back of me. 

It was that of Jupiter, and his tone was a strange mixture of wrathand regret. 

"What on earth have you done?" he cried. 

"Nothing, your Majesty, " said I, shaking all over as with the ague atthe revelations I had just witnessed, "except getting a bird's-eyeview of what is to come. "

"I am sorry, " said he, gravely. "It is not well that mortals shouldknow the future, and your imprudent act is destructive of all theplans I have had for you. You must leave us instantly, for thatinstrument is for the gods alone. Moreover, the knowledge of thatwhich you have seen--"

Here his voice positively thundered, and the frown that came upon hisbrow filled me with awe and terror. 

"All knowledge of what you have seen must be removed from your brain, "he added, grimly. 

I was speechless with fear as the ruler of Olympus touched an electricbutton at the side of the room, and the two huge slaves, Gog andMagog, appeared. 

"Seize him!" Jupiter commanded, sternly. 

In an instant I was bound hand and foot. 

"To the office of Dr. Æsculapius!" he commanded, and I wasunceremoniously removed to the room wherein I had had my interviewwith the great doctor, where I was immediately etherized and my brainoperated upon. Precisely what was done to me I shall probably neverknow, but what I do know is that from that time to this all that Isaw in that marvellous Futuroscope is a blank, although on all othersubjects pertaining to my visit to the gods my recollection isperfectly clear. It suffices to say that I lay for a long time in astupor, and when finally I came to my senses again I found myselfcomfortably ensconced in my own bed, in my own home; not in Greece, but in America; suffering from a dull headache from which I did notescape for at least three hours. Again and again and again have Itried to recall that wonderful picture of a marvellous future seen bymy mortal eyes that night upon Olympus, that I might set it upon paperfor others to read, but with each effort the dreadful pain in the topof my head returns and I find myself compelled to abandon the project. 

So was my brief visit to Olympus begun and ended. In its results ithas perhaps been neither elevating nor remarkably instructive, but ithas given me a better understanding of, and a better liking for, thatgreat company of mythological beings who used to preside over thedestinies of the Greeks. They appeared more human than godlike to myeyes. They were companionable to a degree, and for a time, at least, would prove congenial associates for a summer outing, but as a steadydiet--well, I am not at all surprised that, as men waxed more maturein years and in experience, these titanic members of the Olympian fourhundred lost their power and became no greater factor in the life ofthe large society of mankind than any other group of people, equal innumber and of seeming importance, whose days and nights are given oversolely to pleasure and the morbid pursuit of notoriety. 

THE END

Transcriber's Note: The author refers to a type of golf clubas a "brassey" and also as a "brassie". Both spellings havebeen maintained in this document.