Observations by Mr. Dooley

by

Finley Peter Dunne

 A Little Essay on Books The Law's Delays Sherlock Holmes International Amenities Art Patronage Immigration White House Discipline Money and Matrimony Prince Henry's Visit Prince Henry's Reception Cuba vs. Beet Sugar Bad Men From The West European Intervention The Philippine Peace Soldier and Policeman King Edward's Coronation One Advantage of Poverty The Fighting Word Home Life of Geniuses Reform Administration Work and Sport The Names of a Week The End of the War Newport Arctic Exploration Machinery Swearing The War Game Newspaper Publicity Adventure Rights and Privileges of Women Avarice and Generosity The End of Things Hypocrisy History Enjoyment Gratitude

A Little Essay on Books

"Hogan tells me that wan iv th' first things man done afther he'dlarned to kill his neighborin' animals, an' make a meal iv wanpart iv thim an' a vest iv another, was to begin to mannyfactherlithrachoor, an' it's been goin' on up to th' prisint day. Thimwas times that th' Lord niver heerd about, but is as well knownto manny a la-ad in th' univarsity iv southren Injyanny as if th'histhry iv thim was printed on a poster. Hogan says a pro-fissorwith a shovel an' a bad bringin'-up can go out annywhere along th'dhrainage-canal an' prove to ye that th' Bible is no more thin anexthry avenin' edition iv th' histhry iv th' wurruld, an' th' Noahfam'ly was considhered new arrivals in th' neighborhood where theylived. He says he'll show ye th' earth as though 't was a sectioniv a layer-cake or an archytect's dhrawin' iv a flat-buildin', an'p'int out how 't was accumylated. 

"First 't was a mere squdge in which ne'er a livin' thing cud befound. This peryod lasted a few millyion years, an' thin th' mushcaked an' become buildin'-materyal, an' threes grew out iv th'buildin'-materyal an' fell down an' become coal. Thin th' wathercome--but where it come fr'm I don't know, f'r they was no God atth' time--an' covered th' earth, an' thin th' wather evaporated an'left little p'ints iv land shtickin' up with ready-made men an'women occypyin' thim, an' at that moment th' Bible begun. Ye mightsay we 're livin' on th' roof iv a flat, with all th' apartmintsbeneath us occypied be th' bones iv submarine monsthers an' othertinants. 

"Lasteways that's what Hogan tells me, but I don't believe a wurrudhe says. Most iv th' people iv this wurruld is a come-on f'rscience, but I'm not. Ye can't con-vince me, me boy, that a manwho's so near-sighted he can't read th' sign on a cable-car knowsanny more about th' formation iv th' earth thin Father Kelly. Ibelieve th' wurruld is flat, not round; that th' sun moves an' isabout th' size iv a pie-plate in th' mornin' an' a car-wheel atnoon; an' it 's no proof to me that because a pro-fissor who 'speekin' through a chube all night says th' stars ar-re millyionsiv miles away an' each is bigger thin this wurruld, that they 'rebigger thin they look, or much higher thin th' top iv th' shot-tower. I've been up tin thousand feet on a mountain, an' they seemed sonear that I kept whiskin' thim off me nose as I lay there on meback, but they wasn't anny larger thin they were on th' sthreet-level. I believe what I see an' some iv th' things I'm told, if they 'vebeen told often, an' thim facts iv science has not been hung longenough to be digistible. " But, annyhow, they say that man firstbegun writin' whin he had to hammer out his novels an' pomes on apiece iv rock, an' th' hammer has been th' imblim iv lithrachooriver since. Thin he painted it on skins, hince th' publisher;thin he played it an' danced it an' croshayed it till 't wasdiscovered that ink an' pa-aper wud projooce wurruds, an' thin th'printin'-press was invinted. Gunpowdher was invinted th' sametime, an' 't is a question I've often heerd discussed which hasdone more to ilivate th' human race. A joke. 

Th' longer th' wurruld lasts th' more books does be comin' out. Day be day I r-read in th' pa-apers announcemints iv new publicationsthat look like th' dilinquent tax-list. They 's a publisher inivry block, an' in thousan's iv happy homes some wan is pluggin'away at th' romantic novel or whalin' out a pome on th' type-writerup-stairs. A fam'ly without an author is as contimptible as wanwithout a priest. Is Malachi near-sighted, peevish, averse to th'suds, an' can't tell whether th' three in th' front yard is blueor green? Make an author iv him! Does Miranda prisint no atthractionsto th' young men iv th' neighborhood, does her overskirt dhrag, an' is she poor with th' gas-range? Make an authoreen iv her!Forchunitly, th' manly insthinct is often too sthrong f'r th'designs iv th' fam'ly, an' manny a man that if his parents had hadtheir way might have been at this moment makin' artificial feetf'r a deformed pome is l'adin' what me fri'nd Hogan calls a glad, free, an' timperymintal life on th' back iv a sthreet-car. 

"But lithrachoor is th' gr-reat life-wurruk iv th' modhren woman. Th' conthrol is passin' into th' hands iv th' fair sect, an' th'day will come whin th' wurrud book will mane no more to an able-bodiedman thin th' wurrud gusset. Women write all th' romantic novelsthat ar-re anny good. That's because ivry man thinks th' thruehayroe is himsilf, an' ivry woman thinks he's James K. Hackett. A woman is sure a good, sthrong man ought to be able to kill annynumber iv bad, weak men, but a man is always wondherin' what th'other la-ad wud do. He might have th' punch left in him that wudget th' money. A woman niver cares how manny men are kilt, but aman believes in fair play, an' he'd like to see th' polis intherfereabout Chapter Three. 

"Women writes all th' good romantic novels, an' read thim all. If anny proud la-ad in th' gum business thinks he riprisints th'ideal iv his wife's soul, he ought to take a look at th' books shereads. He'll larn there th' reason he's where he is, is becausehe was th' on'y chanst, not because he was th' first choice. 'Twudhumble th' haughtiest prince iv thrade to look into th' heart ivth' woman he cares most f'r an' thinks laste about, an' find that, instead iv th' photygraft iv a shrewd but kindly man with a thriflin'absence iv hair on his head an' a burglar-proof safe on hiswatch-charm, there's a pitcher iv a young la-ad in green tightsplayin' a mandolin to a high front stoop. On th' stoop, with arose in her hand, is his lawful-wedded wife, th' lady AnnamariarHuggins iv Peotone. Ye can't keep her away fr'm a romantic novel. No matther what Edward Atkinson tells ye, she prefers 'Th' Age ivChivalry' to th' mos' atthractive housewurruk. A woman's readin'is niver done. Hardly a day passes but some lady frind iv minestops me on me way to catch a car, an' asks me if I don't regardMorse Hewlett as th' gr-reatest an' mos' homicidal writer iv ourtime, an' what I've got to say about Hinnelly's attack on Stevenson. 'Madam, ' says I, 'I wud n't know Morse if I was to see him goin'down th' sthreet ax in hand, an' as f'r Hinnelly, his name escapesme, though his language is familiar to anny wan who iver helpedload a scow. Stevenson, ' I says, 'does n't appeal to me, an' ifhe shud, I'll revarse th' decision on th' ground iv th' bad prevyouscharackter iv th' plaintiff, while, ' I says, 'admittin' th' thruthiv what he said. But, ' says I, 'th' on'y books in me libr'y isth' Bible an' Shakspere, ' says I. 'They 're gr-reat f'r ye, ' saysshe. 'So bully f'r th' style. D' ye read thim all th' time?' shesays. 'I niver read thim, ' says I. 'I use thim f'r purposes ivdefinse. I have niver read thim, but I'll niver read annythingelse till I have read thim, ' I says. 'They shtand between me an'all modhren lithrachoor, ' says I. 'I've built thim up into a kindiv breakwather, ' I says, 'an' I set behind it ca'm an' contintwhile Hall Caine rages without, ' says I. 

"Yes, sir, th' readin' an' writin' iv books is as much woman'swurruk as th' mannyfacther iv tidies. A woman is a nachral writer. She don't mind givin' hersilf away if 't will bring a tear to th'eye or a smile to th' lips. But a man does. He has more to giveaway. I'm not sayin' that anny man can't write betther thin awoman if he wants to. But so can he cuk betther, an' sew betther, an' paint minichoors betther, an' do annything betther but nurseth' baby--if he wants to; but he don't often want to. He despisessuch thrivyal pursuits. Mos' iv th' gr-reat writers I iver seeth' pitchers iv was little, thin, peevish men that was alwaysgettin' licked. Wanst in a while a sthrong man got into th' game, a bull-necked, round-headed man that might have made a finethrackmaster or boiler-maker, but was addicted to dhrink, an'niver had energy enough left in th' mornin' f'r annything morethin writin' th' best plays or th' finest novels or th' gr-reatesthisthries in th' wurruld. But if ye got at th' rale feelin' ivthree-meal-a-day men about writin', ye'd find they classed it withpreachin', school-teachin', play-actin', dancin', an' lace-wurruk. A man iv that kind might start to write, but if he did, he'd stopan' think afther a while, an' say to himsilf: 'What's a big, sthrong, able-bodied, two-hundhred-an'-tin-pound, forty-four-acrost-th'-chestcrather like me doin' here, pokin' these funny hireyoglyphics intoa piece iv pa-aper with a little sthick? I guess I'll go out an'shoe a horse. '

"So it is with readin'. I'm tol' I ought to read more be Hogan, who's wan iv th' best-read an' mos' ignorant men I know. Well, maybe I ought, though whin I was a young man, an' was helpin' tobuild up this counthry, th' principal use iv lithrachoor was asa weepin. In thim days, if a little boy was seen readin' a book, his father took it away fr'm him an' bate him on th' head with it. Me father was th' mos' accyrate man in th' wurruld with letthers. He found th' range nachrally, an' he cud wing anny wan iv us withth' 'Lives iv th' Saints' as far as he cud see. He was a poorman, an' on'y had such books in his libr'y as a gintleman shudtake, but if ye'd give him libr'y enough, he'd capture Giberaltor. If lithrachoor niver pinethrated me intelleck, 'twas not hisfault. But nowadays, whin I go down th' sthreet, I see th' childhersettin' on th' front steps studyin' a book through double-compound-convexspectacles, lookin' like th' offspring of a profissyonal diver. What'll they iver grow up to be? Be hivins! that la-ad Carnaygieknows his business. He is studied th' situation, an' he undhersthandsthat if he builds libr'ies enough an' gets enough people readin'books, they won't be anny wan left afther a while capable iv takin'away what he's got. Ye bet he didn't larn how to make steel billetsout iv 'Whin Knighthood was in Flower. ' He larned it be confabulatin'afther wurrukin' hours with some wan that knew how. I think hemust be readin' now, f'r he's writin' wan or two. 'Tis th' waywith a man who takes to readin' late in life. He can't keep itdown. 

"Readin', me frind, is talked about be all readin' people as thoughit was th' on'y thing that makes a man betther thin his neighbors. But th' thruth is that readin' is th' nex' thing this side ivgoin' to bed f'r restin' th' mind. With mos' people it takes th'place iv wurruk. A man doesn't think whin he's readin', or if hehas to, th' book is no fun. Did ye iver have something to do thatye ought to do, but didn't want to, an' while ye was wishin' yewas dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know whatoccurred. Ye didn't jus' skim through th' spoortin' intillygincean' th' crime news. Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th'other quarther iv th' pa-aper. Ye read about people ye niver heerdiv, an' happenin's ye didn't undhersthand--th' fashion notes, th'theatrical gossip, th' s'ciety news fr'm Peoria, th' quotationson oats, th' curb market, th' rale-estate transfers, th' marredgelicenses, th' death notices, th' want ads. , th' dhrygoods bargains, an' even th' iditoryals. Thin ye r-read thim over again, with afaint idee ye'd read thim befure. Thin ye yawned, studied th'design iv th' carpet, an' settled down to wurruk. Was ye exercisin'ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin'? No more thin if ye'dbeen whistlin' or writin' ye-er name on a pa-aper. If anny wanelse but me come along they might say: 'What a mind Hinnissy has!He's always readin'. ' But I wud kick th' book or pa-aper out ivye-er hand, an' grab ye be th' collar, an' cry 'Up, Hinnissy, an'to wurruk!' f'r I'd know ye were loafin'. Believe me, Hinnissy, readin' is not thinkin'. It seems like it, an' whin it comes outin talk sometimes, it sounds like it. It's a kind iv nearthoughtthat looks ginooine to th' thoughtless, but ye can't get annythingon it. Manny a man I've knowed has so doped himsilf with booksthat he'd stumble over a carpet-tack. 

"Am I again' all books, says ye? I'm not. If I had money, I'dhave all th' good lithrachoor iv th' wurruld on me table at thisminyit. I mightn't read it, but there it'd be so that anny iv mefrinds cud dhrop in an' help thimsilves if they didn't care f'rother stimylants. I have no taste f'r readin', but I won't denyit's a good thing f'r thim that's addicted to it. In modheration, mind ye. In modheration, an' afther th' chores is done. F'r asa frind iv Hogan's says, 'Much readin' makes a full man, ' an' heknew what he was talkin' about. An' do I object to th' pursuitiv lithrachoor? Oh, faith, no. As a pursuit 'tis fine, but it maybe bad f'r anny wan that catches it. "

The Law's Delays

"If I had me job to pick out, " said Mr. Dooley, "I'd be a judge. I've looked over all th' others an' that's th' on'y wan that suits. I have th' judicyal timperamint. I hate wurruk. 

"Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse age. Th'business man has to get to th' bank befure it closes an' th' bankerhas to get there befure th' business man escapes, an' th' high-pricedactor has to kill off more gradyates iv th' school iv actin' thiniver he did, an' th' night editions iv th' pa-apers comes outarlier ivry mornin'. All is rush an' worry. Kings an' improrsduck about their jooties like bell-hops, th' pampered son iv luxuryat Newport is thryin' f'r a mile a minyit in his autymobill an'th' on'y leisure class left in th' wurruld is th' judicyary. Mindye, Hinnissy, I'm not sayin' annything again' thim. I won't dhragth' joodicyal ermine in th' mud though I haven't noticed that mannyiv thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th' pollytical crossing. I have th' high rayspict f'r th' job that's th' alternative ivsixty days in jail. Besides, me boy, I invy thim. 

"Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th' head with an axe or sindshim a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy. Maybe hedoes an' maybe he don't; but annyhow that's what he's lagged f'r. Th' polis are in a hurry to get to th' pool-room befure th' flagfalls in th' first race an' they carry th' case to th' gran' jury;th' gran' jury indicts him without a thought or a suspicion iv axhar-rd feelin', th' judge takes his breakfast on th' bench to bethere in time an' charges th' jury to be fair but not to f'rgetth' man done it, an' th' jury rayturns a verdict iv guilty withthree cheers an' a tiger. Th' pris'ner has hardly time to grabup his hat befure he 's hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an'th' onprejudiced public feels happy about it. I don't believe incapital punishmint, Hinnissy, but 'twill niver be abolished whileth' people injye it so much. They 're jus' squarin' thimsilvesf'r th' rayvoltin' details whin wurrud comes that Judge Tamarackiv Opolis has granted a stay iv proceedin's. Stays iv pro-ceedin'sis devices, Hinnissy, be which th' high coorts keep in form. 'Tisa lagal joke. I med it up. Says Judge Tamarack: 'I know verylittle about this ease excipt what I've been tol' be th' larnedcounsel f'r th' dayfinse, an' I don't believe that, but I agreewith Lord Coke in th' maxim that th' more haste th' less sleep. Therefore to all sheriffs, greetin': Fen jarrin' th' pris'ner tillye hear fr'm us. '

"So th' pris'ner waits an' dhreams he 's a lightnin' rod an' th'public waits an' ivrybody waits. Th' high coort is busy in itsway. Ivry two or three years it is discovered takin' a nap at acounty seat in th' corn belt, an' it hands down a decision f'r th'defindant in a case f'r damages growin' out iv th' Shay rebillion. Then it dhrops off again. Th' judge that thried th' case retiresto a well-arned job with a railrood comp'ny, th' jury has ceasedto look f'r their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' th' insurancecomp'nies insure young Cyanide's life f'r the lowest known premyum. Occasionally a judge iv th' coort iv appeals walkin' in his sleepmeets another judge, an' they discuss matthers. 'How ar-re yegettin' on with th' Cyanide case, judge?' 'I'm makin' fair headway, judge. I r-read part iv th' vardict iv th' coroner's jury las'year an' nex' month whin th' fishin' is over, I expict to lookinto th' indictment. 'Tis a puzzlin' case. Th' man is not guilty. ''Well, good bye, judge; I'll see ye in a year or two. Lave meknow how ye're gettin' on. Pleasant dhreams!' An' so they part. Th' higher up a coort is, th' less they see iv each other. Theiroffice hours are fr'm a quarther to wan leap years. Ye take alively lawyer that's wurruked twinty hours a day suin' sthrectrailrood comp'nies an' boost him onto a high coort an' he can'tthink out iv a hammock. Th' more exalted what Hogan calls th'joodicyal station, th' more it's like a dormitory. Th' years rowlby an' th' tillygraft op'rator that's been expictin' to sind arush tillygram through young Cyanide sees his ohms an' his voltsmouldin' an' no wurrud comes fr'm th' coort iv appeals but th'murmur iv th' chief justice discussin' th' nullification theery. But wan day, th' decision is wafted down. 'Th' coort finds, ' itsays, 'that th' vardict was conthry to th' law an' th' ividince. We seen this fr'm th' first. It's as plain as th' nose on ye'erface. Th' judge was prejudiced an' th' jury was ignorant. Th'ividince wasn't sufficient to hang a cat. We revarse th' decisionan' ordher a new thrile that full justice may be done. We cannothelp remarkin' at this time on th' croolty iv subjectin' thisunforchnit man to all these years iv torture an' imprisonment witha case again' him which we see at a glance durin' th' Mexican warcud not shtand th' test iv th' law. '

"But whin th' decision is carried to th' pris'ner, th' warden says'Who?' 'P. Cyanide, ' says th' clark iv th' coort. 'He's not here, 'says th' warden. 'On consultin' me books, I find a man iv thatname left in th' year sivinty-wan. ' 'Did he escape?' 'In a sinse. He's dead. '

"So, Hinnissy, I'd like to be a judge iv a high coort, dhreamin'th' happy hours away. No hurry, no sthrivin' afther immejetraysults, no sprintin', no wan hollenin' 'Dooley J. Hurry up withthat ne exeat, ' or 'Dooley, hand down that opinyion befure th'batthry gives out. ' 'Tis th' thrue life iv aise an' gintlemanlycomfort. 'Tis wait till th' clouds rowl by; 'tis time was meantfor slaves; 'tis a long life an' a happy wan. Like th' ShamrockII, th' coort acts well in stays but can't run befure th' wind. A jury is f'r hangin' ivry man, but th' high coort says: 'Ye mustdie, but take ye'er time about it an' go out th' way ye like. ' IfI wanted to keep me money so that me gran'childher might get itf'r their ol' age, I'd appeal it to th' supreme coort. Oh, th'fine judge I'd make, f'r I can sleep annywhere, an' I'm niverimpatient f'r annywan to get his jooes. "

"I don't see, " said Mr. Hennessy, "why they have anny juries. Whydon't they thry ivry man before th' supreme coort an' have donewith it?"

"I have a betther way than that, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see they'ewurrukin' on time now. I wondher if they wudden't sthep livelierif they were paid be th' piece. "

Sherlock Holmes

"Dorsey an' Dugan are havin' throuble, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"What about?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"Dorsey, " said Mr. Hennessy, "says Dugan stole his dog. They hada party at Dorsey's an' Dorsey heerd a noise in th' back yard an'wint out an' see Dugan makin' off with his bull tarryer. "

"Ye say he see him do it?"

"Yis, he see him do it. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "'twud baffle th' injinooty iv a SherlockHolmes. "

"Who's Sherlock Holmes?"

"He's th' gr-reatest detictive that iver was in a story book. I've been r-readin' about him an' if I was a criminal, which I wudbe if I had to wurruk f'r a livin', an' Sherlock Holmes got aftherme, I'd go sthraight to th' station an' give mesilf up. I'd layth' goods on th' desk an' say: 'Sargeant, put me down in th' hardcage. Sherlock Holmes has jus' see a man go by in a cab with aNewfoundland dog an' he knows I took th' spoons. ' Ye see, he ain'tth' ordh'nry fly cop like Mulcahy that always runs in th' Schmidtboy f'r ivry crime rayported fr'm stealin' a ham to forgin' a checkin th' full knowledge that some day he'll get him f'r th' rightthing. No, sir; he's an injanyous man that can put two an' twotogether an' make eight iv thim. He applies his brain to crime, d'ye mind, an' divvle th' crime, no matther how cunnin' it is, will escape him. We'll suppose, Hinnissy, that I'm Sherlock Holmes. I'm settin' here in me little parlor wearin' a dhressin' gown an'now an' thin pokin' mesilf full iv morpheen. Here we are. Ye comein. 'Good-mornin', Watson. '"

"I ain't Watson, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm Hinnissy. "

"Ah, " said Mr. Dooley; "I thought I'd wring it fr'm ye. Perhapsye'd like to know how I guessed ye had come in. 'Tis very simple. On'y a matther iv observation. I heerd ye'er step; I seen ye'errefliction in th' lookin' glass; ye spoke to me. I put thesethings together with me thrained faculty f'r observation an'deduction, d'ye mind. Says I to mesilf: 'This must be Hinnissy. 'But mind ye, th' chain iv circumstances is not complete. It mightbe some wan disguised as ye. So says I to mesilf: 'I will throwthis newcome, whoiver he is, off his guard, be callin' him be asthrange name!' Ye wudden't feel complimented, Hinnissy, if yeknew who Watson is. Watson knows even less than ye do. He don'tknow annything, an' annything he knows is wrong. He has to lookup his name in th' parish raygisther befure he can speak to himsilf. He's a gr-reat frind iv Sherlock Holmes an' if Sherlock Holmesiver loses him, he'll find him in th' nearest asylum f'r th'feeble-minded. But I surprised ye'er secret out iv ye. Thrownoff ye'er guard be me innocent question, ye popped out 'I'mHinnissy, ' an' in a flash I guessed who ye were. Be th' sameprocess iv raisonin' be deduction, I can tell ye that ye were homelas' night in bed, that ye're on ye'er way to wurruk, an' thatye'er salary is two dollars a day. I know ye were at home las'night because ye ar-re always at home between iliven an' sivin, bar Pathrick's night, an' ye'er wife hasn't been in lookin' f'rye. I know ye're on ye'er way to wurruk because I heerd ye'erdinner pail jingle as ye stepped softly in. I know ye get twodollars a day because ye tol' me ye get three an' I deductedthirty-three an' wan third per cint f'r poetic license. 'Tis verysimple. Ar-re those shoes ye have on ye'er feet? Be hivins, Ithought so. "

"Simple, " said Mr. Hennessy, scornfully; "'tis foolish. "

"Niver mind, " said Mr. Dooley. "Pass th' dope, Watson. Now bein'full iv th' cillybrated Chow Sooey brand, I addhress me keen mindto th' discussion iv th' case iv Dorsey's dog. Watson, look outiv th' window an' see if that's a cab goin' by ringin' a gong. Athrolley car? So much th' betther. Me observation tol' me it wasnot a balloon or a comet or a reindeer. Ye ar-re a gr-reat helpto me, Watson. Pass th' dope. Was there a dog on th' car? No?That simplifies th' thing. I had an idee th' dog might have goneto wurruk. He was a bull-tarryer, ye say. D'ye know annythingabout his parents? Be Mulligan's Sloppy Weather out iv O'Hannigan'sDiana iv th' Slough? Iv coorse. Was ayether iv thim seen in th'neighborhood th' night iv th' plant? No? Thin it is not, as mannymight suppose, a case iv abduction. What were th' habits ivDorsey's coyote? Was he a dog that dhrank? Did he go out iv nights?Was he payin' anny particular attintions to anny iv th' neighbors?Was he baffled in love? Ar-re his accounts sthraight? Had Dorseysaid annything to him that wud 've made him despondent? Ye say no. He led a dog's life but seemed to be happy. Thin 'tis plainly nota case iv suicide. 

"I'm gettin' up close to th' criminals. Another shot iv th' madmixture. Wait till I can find a place in th' ar-rm. There year-re. Well, Watson, what d'ye make iv it?"

"If ye mane me, Dugan stole th' dog. "

"Not so fast, " said Mr. Dooley. "Like all men iv small minds yemake ye'ers up readily. Th' smaller th' mind, th' aisier 'tismade up. Ye'ers is like a blanket on th' flure befure th' fire. All ye have to do to make it up is to lave it. Mine is like alarge double bed, an' afther I've been tossin' in it, 'tis no aisyjob to make it up. I will puncture me tire with th' fav'riteflower iv Chinnytown an' go on. We know now that th' dog did notelope, that he didn't commit suicide an' that he was not kidnapedbe his rayturnin' parents. So far so good. Now I'll tell ye whostole th' dog. Yisterdah afthernoon I see a suspicious lookin'man goin' down th' sthreet. I say he was suspicious lookin' becausehe was not disguised an' looked ivry wan in th' face. He had nodog with him. A damning circumstance, Watson, because whin he'dstolen th' dog he niver wud 've taken it down near Dorsey's house. Ye wudden't notice these facts because ye'er mind while feebleis unthrained. His coat collar was turned up an' he was whistlin'to himsilf, a habit iv dog fanciers. As he wint be Hogan's househe did not look around or change his gait or otherwise do annythingthat wud indicate to an unthrained mind that there was annythingwrong, facts in thimsilves that proved to me cultivated intilligencethat he was guilty. I followed him in me mind's eye to his homean' there chained to th' bed leg is Dorsey's dog. Th' name iv th'criminal is P. X. O'Hannigan, an' he lives at twinty-wan hundhredan' ninety-nine South Halsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plumberbe pro-fission. Officer, arrest that man!

"That's all right, " said Mr. Hennessy; "but Dugan rayturned th'dog las' night. "

"Oh, thin, " said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "this is not a case f'rSherlock Holmes but wan f'r th' polis. That's th' throuble, Hinnissy, with th' detictive iv th' story. Nawthin' happens inrale life that's complicated enough f'r him. If th' Prisidint ivth' Epworth League was a safe-blower be night th' man that'd catchhim'd be a la-ad with gr-reat powers iv observation an' thrainedhabits iv raisonin'. But crime, Hinnissy, is a pursoot iv th'simple minded--that is, catchable crime is a pursoot iv th'simple-minded. Th' other kind, th' uncatchable kind that is tookup be men iv intellict is called high fi-nance. I've known mannycriminals in me time, an' some iv thim was fine men an' very happyin their home life, an' a more simple, pasth'ral people ye niverknew. Wan iv th' ablest bank robbers in th' counthry used to livenear me--he ownded a flat buildin'--an' befure he'd turn in to bedafther rayturnin' fr'm his night's wurruk, he'd go out in th' shedan' chop th' wood. He always wint into th' house through a thransomf'r fear iv wakin' his wife who was a delicate woman an' a shoplifter. As I tell ye he was a man without guile, an' he wint abouthis jooties as modestly as ye go about ye'ers. I don't think inth' long run he made much more thin ye do. Wanst in a while, he'dget hold iv a good bunch iv money, but manny other times aftherdhrillin' all night through a steel dure, all he'd find 'd be ashort crisp note fr'm th' prisidint iv th' bank. He was oftendiscouraged, an' he tol' me wanst if he had an income iv fortydollars th' month, he'd retire fr'm business an' settle down ona farm. 

"No, sir, criminals is th' simplest crathers in th' wide widewurruld--innocent, sthraight-forward, dangerous people, that haven'tsinse enough to be honest or prosperous. Th' extint iv theirschamin' is to break a lock on a dure or sweep a handful iv changefr'm a counter or dhrill a hole in a safe or administher th' strongshort arm to a tired man takin' home his load. There are nomysteryous crimes excipt thim that happens to be. Th' ordh'nrycrook, Hinnissy, goes around ringin' a bell an' disthributin'hand-bills announcin' his business. He always breaks through awindow instead iv goin' through an open dure, an' afther he's doneannything that he thinks is commindable, he goes to a neighborin'liquor saloon, stands on th' pool table an' confides th' secretto ivrybody within sound iv his voice. That's why Mulligan is abetther detictive thin Sherlock Holmes or me. He can't put twoan' two together an' he has no powers iv deduction, but he's ahard dhrinker an' a fine sleuth. Sherlock Holmes niver wud'vecaught that frind iv mine. Whin th' safe iv th' Ninth RationalBank was blowed, he wud've put two an' two together an' arristedme. But me frind wint away lavin' a hat an' a pair iv cuffs markedwith his name in th' safe, an' th' polis combined these discoverieswith th' well-known fact that Muggins was a notoryous safe bloweran' they took him in. They found him down th' sthreet thryin' tosell a bushel basket full iv Alley L stock. I told ye he was asimple man. He ralized his ambition f'r an agaracoolchral life. They give him th' care iv th' cows at Joliet. "

"Did he rayform?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"No, " said Mr. Dooley; "he escaped. An' th' way he got out wudbaffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes. "

"How did he do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"He climbed over th' wall, " said Mr. Dooley. 

International Amenities

"Be hivins, " said Mr. Dooley, "I wisht I'd been there. "

"Where?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"At th' bankit iv th' Ancyent an' Hon'rable Chamber iv Commercein New York, " said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis a hard fate that compels meto live out here on th' prairies among th' aborig'nal Americansfr'm Poland an' Bohaymya. Me heart at times is burstin' f'r tojine in th' festivities iv me fellow Britons in New York. F'r I'ma British subjick, Hinnissy. I wasn't born wan. I was born inIreland. But I have a little money put away, an' ivry Americanthat has larned to make wan dollar sthick to another is ex-officio, as Hogan says, a British subjick. We've adopted a foster father. Some iv us ain't anny too kind to th' ol' gintleman. In th'matther iv th' Nicaragoon Canal we have recently pushed him overan' took about all he had. But our hearts feels th' love iv th'parent counthry, though our hands is rebellyous, an' ivry year mefellow-merchants gets together in New York an' f'rgets th' caresiv th' wool an' tallow business in an outburst iv devotion to th'ol' land fr'm which our fathers sprung or was sprung be th'authorities. 

"Th' prisidint iv th' bankit was me frind Morse K. Cheeseshop amimber iv an ol' Yorkshire fam'ly born in th' West Riding iv LongIsland befure th' Crimeyan War. At his right sat th' Sicrety ivstate f'r th' colony, an' at his left me frind th' ambassadure toth' Coort iv Saint James. Why we shud sind an ambassadure I don'tknow, though it may be an ol' custom kept up f'r to plaze th'people iv Omaha. He's a good man, th' ambassadure, who isinthrajoocin' th' American joke in England. Hogan says th'diff'rence between an American joke an' an English joke is th'place to laugh. In an American joke ye laugh just afther th' pointif at all, but in an English joke ye laugh ayether befure th'point or afther th' decease iv th' joker. Th' ambassadure hopesto inthrajooce a cross iv th' two that ye don't laugh at at allthat will be suited to th' English market. His expeeriments sofar has been encouragin'. 

"At th' conclusion iv th' eatin' th' chairman, Sir Morse Cheeseshopinthrajooced th' sicrety iv state in a few well chosen wurruds. 'Fellow Colonists, ' says he, 'I desire to presint His Majesty'sripresentative in this counthry who is doin' more thin anny otherman in th' plastherin' business, ' he says. 'Owin', ' he says, 'tomimbers iv th' Sinit lavin' a hod iv bricks fall on his headrecently, he has not been able to do much on th' job, ' he says. 'But he has brought his throwel and morthar here to-night an' ifye will kindly lave off singing' "Brittanya rules th' prosperitywave" f'r a minyit he'll give ye an exhibition iv how he wurruks. Me Lords an' gintlemen, th' sicrety iv state:'

"'Fellow subjicks, ' says th' sicrety iv state, 'diplomacy is fardiff'rent business thin it used to be. (A voice, 'Good f'r you. ')In th' days iv Bismarck, Gladstun an' Charles Francis Adams 'twasa case iv inthrigue an' deceit. Now it is as simple as a pair ivboots. In fifteen years th' whole nature iv man is so changed thata diplomat has on'y to be honest, straight-forward an' manly an'concede ivrything an' he will find his opponents will meet himhalf way an' take what he gives. Unforchunitly diplomacy on'ygoes as far as the dure. It is onable to give protection to th'customer, so whin he laves th' shop th' sthrong arm men iv th'Sinit knocks him down an' takes fr'm him ivrything he got insidean' more too. Di-plomacy has become a philanthropic pursoot likeshop-keepin', but politics, me lords, is still th' same ol' spoortiv highway robb'ry. But I done what I cud to protict th' intherestsiv th' mother, father an' brother-in-law counthry, an' betweenyou an' me if I don't desarve th' Victorya cross f'r presintin'that threaty to th' Sinit nobody does. I will on'y say thathinceforth th' policy iv this gover'mint will be as befure not tobully a sthrong power or wrong a weak, but will remain thrue toth' principle iv wrongin' th' sthrong an' bullyin' th' weak. '

"Th' sicrety iv state was followed be th' ambassadure. 'I wishto tell ye, ' said he, 'what a good time I had in England. BefureI wint there I was sthrongly prejudiced again' England. I thoughtit was th' noblest counthry on which, as Dan'l Webster says, th'sun niver set without hatchin' out a new colony. But I did it agreat injustice. It is betther thin what I thought. It does notcare f'r chaff or gush such as goes down in this counthry. All anEnglish gintleman demands is that ye shall be ye'ersilf, frank, manly an' sincere. A little cry on th' shouldher, a firm graspiv th' hand, a brief acknowledgment that we owe our language an'are payin' it back, our lithrachoor an' our boots to him, an' hisheart opens. He cannot conceal his admiration f'r ye. He goesaway. Ah, niver will I f'rget th' day I peeked out iv me bed-roomwindow at Windsor Castle an' see manny iv th' sturdy lielists herebefure me bein' received in th' back yard be th' king. I mindwell th' wurruds that fell fr'm his lips whin ye left to take lunchin th' rile woodshed. "Chote, " he says, "thim were a fine lot ivAmericans, " he says. "What thribe did ye say they belonged to?Soos?" he says. '

"So th' avenin' proceeded until it was time to go home, whin th'chairman proposed th' customary toast. 'Me lords an' gintlemen, charge ye'er glasses an' jine me in a toast, ' he says. 'His majestyEdward th' Sivinth, iv Gr-reat Britain an' possibly Ireland, ivInja, Egypt, iv Austhralya, iv South Africa in a sinse, an' iv th'Dominions beyant th' sea, includin' New York, King, Definder ivth' Faith. I hope I got it all in. ' 'Ye did, ' said th' ambassadure. An' th' toast was dhrunk with enthusyasm. Other toasts was dhrunkto th' rile fam'ly an' th' Protestant Succession, to th' Jook ivArgyle who used to own Andhrew Carnaygie, an' in manny cases th'rile merchants carrid th' glasses away in their pockets. Jus' asth' comp'ny was breakin' up a man whose gaiters creaked rose an'said: 'Isn't there wan more toast?' 'Good hivins have I f'rgottensomewan?' said Lord Cheeseshop. 'That was all there was in th'book. Who d'ye mane?' he says. 'I mane th' prisidint iv th'United States, ' says th' man, who comes fr'm Baraboo. 'Oh him, 'says th' chairman in a relieved tone. 'Well, annywan that wantsto can dhrink his health at th' bar, ' he says. 

"As th' comp'ny filed out a band was playin' in th' adjinin' roomwhere they was a meetin' iv th' Amalgamated Stove-polish men fr'mth' neighborhood iv Terry Hut. 'What's that outlandish chune?'says Lord Cheeseshop. ''Tis th' naytional air, west iv Hoboken, 'says th' man fr'm Baraboo. 'What's it called?' says Lord Cheeseshop. 'Th' Star Spangled Banner, ' says th' man. 'Well, ' says LordCheeseshop, ''tis very intherestin', ' he says. ''Tis th' on'yIndyan music I iver heerd, ' he says. "

"Ah well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "who cares?"

"Faith I think ye're right, " said Mr. Dooley. "A man will swallowannything with a dinner. What is good f'r what Hogan calls th'iliminthry canal has nawthin' to do with th' Nicaragoon Canal an'I'd be more afraid iv Lord Cheeseshop if he thought th' toast an'didn't say it. Our Anglo-Saxon relations is always a give-away--onsome wan. "

Art Patronage

"I see in this pa-aper, " said Mr. Dooley, "they'se a fellow kickin'because an American painther ain't got anny chanst again' foreigncompytition. "

"Sure, " said Mr. Hennessy; "he's aisy displazed. I niver knew th'business to be betther. Wages is high an' 'tis a comfortablethrade barrin' colic. "

"I don't mane that kind iv painthers, " said Mr. Dooley. "I don'tmane th' wans that paint ye'er barn, but th' wans that paints apitcher iv ye'er barn an' wants to sell it to ye f'r more thin th'barn is worth. This man says no matther how industhrees an Americanpainther is, no matther if he puts on his overalls arly in th'mornin' an' goes out with a laddher an' whales away all day long, he can hardly arn a livin', while th' pauper artists iv Europe isfairly rowlin' in th' lap iv luxury. Manny a la-ad that startedin life with th' intintion iv makin' th' wurruld f'rget that what'shis name--Hogan's frind--ye know who I mane--Michael Angelo--everlived, is now glad to get a job decoratin' mountain scenery withth' latest news about th' little liver pills. 

"Ye see, Hinnissy, whin a man gets hold iv a large hatful iv money, wan iv th' first things he does is to buy some art. Up to th'time whin th' top blew off th' stock market, he bought his artout iv th' front window iv a news an' station'ry shop or had itput in be th' paperhanger. He took th' Sundah pa-apers that ar-rea gr-reat help if ye're collectin' art, an' he had some pitchersiv fruit that looks nachral enough to ate, d'ye mind, a paintin'iv a deer like th' wan he shot at in th' Manotowish counthry inEighty-eight, an' a livin' likeness iv a Lake Supeeryor white fishon a silver plate. That was th' peeryod, mind ye, whin th' irondogs howled on his lawn an' people come miles an' miles f'r to seea grotto made out iv relics iv th' Chicago fire. 

"Manetime his daughter was illustratin' suspinders an' illuminatin'china plates an' becomin' artistic, an' afther awhile whin th'time come that he had to keep a man at th' dure to sweep out th'small bills, she give him a good push to'rd betther things. Besides, his pardner down th' sthreet had begun collectin' pitchers, an' ivry time he wint abroad th' mannyfacthrers iv pitcher framesbought new autymobills f'r th' Champs All Easy. So 'twas a softmatther f'r our frind Higbie to be persuaded that he ought to bea pathron iv art, an' he wint abroad detarmined to buy a bunch ivchromos that'd make people come out iv th' gallery iv his pardnerdown th' sthreet stiflin' their laughter in their hands. 

"Now ye'd think seein' that he made his money in this counthry, he'd pathronize American art. Ye'd believe he'd sind wurrud downto his agent f'r to secure forty feet iv Evansville be moonlightan' be con-tint. But he don't. 

"Ye don't catch Higbie changin' iv anny iv his dividends ondomestic finished art. He jumps on a boat an' goes sthraightacrost to th' centhral deepo. The first thing he gets is aporthrait iv himsilf be wan iv th' gr-reat modhren masthers, Sargent be name. This here Sargent, Hogan tells me, used to livein this counthry, an' faith, if he'd stayed here ye might see himto-day on a stagin'. But he had a mind in his head an' he toreoff f'r Europe th' way a duck hunter goes f'r a rice swamp. Aftherawhile, Higbie shows up, an' says he: 'I'm Higbie iv th' Non-AdhesiveConsolidated Glue Company, ' he says. 'Can ye do me?' 'I can an'will, ' says Sargent. 'I'll do ye good. How much have ye got?'he says. 'Get some more an' come around, ' he says. An' Higbieputs on his Prince Albert coat an' laves it open so that ye cansee his watch charm--th' crown iv Poland with th' Kohinoor in th'top iv it--an' me frind Sargent does him brown an' red. He don'tgive him th' pitcher iv coorse. If ye have ye'er porthrait paintedbe a gr-reat painther, it's ye'er porthrait but 'tis his pitcher, an' he keeps it till ye don't look that way anny more. So Higbie'sporthrait is hung up in a gallery an' th' doctors brings peopleto see it that ar-re sufferin' fr'm narvous dyspepsia to cheerthim up. Th' pa-apers says 'tis fine. 'Number 108 shows Sargentat his best. There is the same marvellous ticknick that th' greatmaster displayed in his cillybrated take-off on Mrs. Maenheimerin last year's gallery. Th' skill an' ease with which th' paintherhas made a monkey iv his victim are beyond praise. Sargent hastorn th' sordid heart out iv th' wretched crather an' exposed itto th' wurruld. Th' wicked, ugly little eyes, th' crooked nose, th' huge graspin' hands, tell th' story iv this miscreant'scharacter as completely as if they were written in so manny wurruds, while th' artist, with wondherful malice, has painted onto th'face a smile iv sickenin' silf-complacency that is positivelydisgustin'. No artist iv our day has succeeded so well in showin'up th' maneness iv th' people he has mugged. We ondershtand thatth' atrocious Higbie paid wan hundherd thousan' dollars f'r thiscomic valentine. It is worth th' money to ivrybody but him. '

"But Higbie don't see th' pa-aper. He's over in Paris. Th' chimesare rung, bonefires are lighted in th' sthreets an' th' PannymaComp'ny declares a dividend whin he enters th' city. They'se sucha demand f'r paint that th' supply runs out an' manny gr-reatimprishonist pitcher facthries is foorced to use bluein'. Higbieordhers paintin's be th' ton, th' r-runnin' foot, th' foot pound, th' car load. He insthructs th' pitcher facthries to wurruk nightan' day till his artistic sowl is satisfied. We follow his coorsein th' pa-apers. 'Th' cillybrated Gainsborough that niver wud bemissed has been captured be Misther Higbie, th' American millyionaire. Th' price paid is said to be wan hundherd thousan' dollars. Th'pitcher riprisints a lady in a large hat fondlin' a cow. It iswan iv th' finest Gainsboroughs painted be th' GainsboroughMannyfacthrin' comp'ny iv Manchester. At th' las' public sale, it was sold f'r thirty dollars. Misther Higbie has also purchasedth' cillybrated Schmartzmeister Boogooroo, wan iv th' mos' horribleexamples iv this delightful painther's style. He is now negotyatin'with th' well-known dealer Moosoo Mortheimer f'r th' intire outputiv th' Barabazah School. Yisterdah in a call on th' janial dealer, th' name iv th' cillybrated painther Mooney was mintioned. "Howmanny pitchers has he painted?" "Four hundherd and forty-threethousan' at ilivin o'clock to-day, " says th' dealer. "But fourhundherd thousan' iv thim ar-re in America. " "Get th' r-rest ivthim f'r me, " says th' connysoor. "What did ye say th' gintleman'sname was?" We ondershtand that Misther Mooney has had to put intwo new four-deck machines to meet th' ordhers, which includethirty green an' mauve haystacks, forty blue barns or childher atplay, an' no less thin ninety riprisintations iv mornin' at sea, moonlight avenin', flock iv sheep, or whativer ye may call thim. '

"An' whin he comes home, he hangs thim in his house, so that hisfrinds can't turn around without takin' off a pasthral scene ontheir coats, an' he pastes th' price on th' frame, an' whin hedies, he laves his pitcher to some definceless art museem. An'there ye ar-re. 

"So I tell ye, Hinnissy, if I was a young an' ambitious Americanpainther, I'd go to Europe. Whin Hannigan was over there, he meta young man that painted that fine head iv Murphy that looks somuch like Casey that hangs in Schwartzmeister's back room. 'Ar-reye still at th' art?' says Hannigan. 'I am, ' says th' young man. 'How does it go?' asks Hannigan. 'I've more thin I can do, ' saysth' young man. 'Since steel rails got so high, I've had to hirean assistant. Ye see, I didn't get on in Chicago. Me "Bridgepoortin a Fog" was th' on'y pitcher I sold, an' a sausage mannyfacthrerbought that because his facthry was in it. I come over here, an'so's me pitchers will have a fair show, I sign annywan's name yewant to thim. Ye've heerd iv Michael Angelo? That's me. Ye'veheerd iv Gainsborough? That's me. Ye've heerd iv Millet, th' boythat painted th' pitcher give away with th' colored supplimint ivth' Sundah Howl? That's me. Yis, sir, th' rale name iv near ivrydistinguished painther iv modhren times is Remsen K. Smith. Whinye go home, if ye see a good painther an' glazier that'd like ajob as assistant Rimbrandt f'r th' American thrade, sind him tome. F'r, ' he says, 'th' on'y place an American artist can make alivin' is here. Charity f'r artists, ' he says, 'begins abroad, 'he says. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "perhaps a bum Europeen pitcher isbetther thin a good American pitcher. "

"Perhaps so, " said Mr. Dooley. "I think it is so. Annyhow, nomatther how bad a painther he is, annywan that can get money outiv an American millyionaire is an artist an' desarves it. There'sth' rale art. I wish it was taught in th' schools. I'd like tosee an exhibition at th' Museem with 'Check iv American Gintleman, dhrawn fr'm life, ' hung on th' wall. "

Immigration

"Well, I see Congress has got to wurruk again, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"The Lord save us fr'm harm, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Yes, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "Congress has got to wurruk again, an' manny things that seems important to a Congressman 'll bebrought up befure thim. 'Tis sthrange that what's a big thing toa man in Wash'nton, Hinnissy, don't seem much account to me. Divvle a bit do I care whether they dig th' Nicaragoon Canal orcross th' Isthmus in a balloon; or whether th' Monroe docthrineis enfoorced or whether it ain't; or whether th' thrusts is abolishedas Teddy Rosenfelt wud like to have thim or encouraged to go onwith their neefaryous but magnificent entherprises as th' Prisidintwud like; or whether th' water is poured into th' ditches to reclaimth' arid lands iv th' West or th' money f'r thim to fertilize th'arid pocket-books iv th' conthractors; or whether th' Injun isthreated like a depindant an' miserable thribesman or like a freean' indepindant dog; or whether we restore th' merchant marine toth' ocean or whether we lave it to restore itsilf. None iv thesehere questions inthrests me, an' be me I mane you an' be you Imane ivrybody. What we want to know is, ar-re we goin' to havecoal enough in th' hod whin th' cold snap comes; will th' plumbin'hold out, an' will th' job last. 

"But they'se wan question that Congress is goin' to take up thatyou an' me are intherested in. As a pilgrim father that missedth' first boats, I must raise me claryon voice again' th' invasioniv this fair land be th' paupers an' arnychists iv effete Europe. Ye bet I must--because I'm here first. 'Twas diff'rent whin Iwas dashed high on th' stern an' rockbound coast. In thim daysAmerica was th' refuge iv th' oppressed iv all th' wurruld. Theycud come over here an' do a good job iv oppressin' thimsilves. As I told ye I come a little late. Th' Rosenfelts an' th' Lodgesbate me be at laste a boat lenth, an' be th' time I got here theywas stern an' rockbound thimsilves. So I got a gloryous rayciptionas soon as I was towed off th' rocks. Th' stars an' sthripeswhispered a welcome in th' breeze an' a shovel was thrust into mehand an' I was pushed into a sthreet excyvatin' as though I'd beenborn here. Th' pilgrim father who bossed th' job was a fine ol'puritan be th' name iv Doherty, who come over in th' Mayflowerabout th' time iv th' potato rot in Wexford, an' he made me thinkthey was a hole in th' breakwather iv th' haven iv refuge an' someiv th' wash iv th' seas iv opprission had got through. He was astern an' rockbound la-ad himsilf, but I was a good hand at loosestones an' wan day--but I'll tell ye about that another time. 

"Annyhow, I was rayceived with open arms that sometimes ended ina clinch. I was afraid I wasn't goin' to assimilate with th'airlyer pilgrim fathers an' th' instichoochions iv th' counthry, but I soon found that a long swing iv th' pick made me as goodas another man an' it didn't require a gr-reat intellect, orsometimes anny at all, to vote th' dimmycrat ticket, an' befureI was here a month, I felt enough like a native born American toburn a witch. Wanst in a while a mob iv intilligint collajeens, whose grandfathers had bate me to th' dock, wud take a shy at mePathrick's Day procission or burn down wan iv me churches, butthey got tired iv that befure long; 'twas too much like wurruk. 

"But as I tell ye, Hinnissy, 'tis diff'rent now. I don't know why'tis diff'rent but 'tis diff'rent. 'Tis time we put our backagain' th' open dure an' keep out th' savage horde. If that cousiniv ye'ers expects to cross, he'd betther tear f'r th' ship. In afew minyits th' gates 'll be down an' whin th' oppressed wurruldcomes hikin' acrost to th' haven iv refuge, they'll do well to puta couplin' pin undher their hats, f'r th' Goddess iv Liberty 'llmeet thim at th' dock with an axe in her hand. Congress is goin'to fix it. Me frind Shaughnessy says so. He was in yisterdah an'says he: ''Tis time we done something to make th' immigration lawssthronger, ' says he. 'Thrue f'r ye, Miles Standish, ' says I; 'butwhat wud ye do?' 'I'd keep out th' offscourin's iv Europe, ' sayshe. 'Wud ye go back?' says I. 'Have ye'er joke, ' says he. ''Tisnot so seeryus as it was befure ye come, ' says I. 'But what ar-reth' immygrants doin' that's roonous to us?' I says. 

'Well, ' says he, 'they're arnychists, ' he says; 'they don'tassymilate with th' counthry, ' he says. 'Maybe th' counthry'sdigestion has gone wrong fr'm too much rich food, ' says I; 'perhapsnow if we'd lave off thryin' to digest Rockyfellar an' thry asimple diet like Schwartzmeister, we wudden't feel th' effects ivour vittels, ' I says. 'Maybe if we'd season th' immygrants alittle or cook thim thurly, they'd go down betther, ' I says. 

"'They're arnychists, like Parsons, ' he says. 'He wud've been animmygrant if Texas hadn't been admitted to th' Union, ' I says. 'Or Snolgosh, ' he says. 'Has Mitchigan seceded?' I says. 'OrGittoo, ' he says. 'Who come fr'm th' effete monarchies iv Chicago, west iv Ashland Av'noo, ' I says. 'Or what's-his-name, WilkesBooth, ' he says. 'I don't know what he was--maybe a Boolgharyen, 'says I. 'Well, annyhow, ' says he, 'they're th' scum iv th' earth. ''They may be that, ' says I; 'but we used to think they was th'cream iv civilization, ' I says. 'They're off th' top annyhow. Iwanst believed 'twas th' best men iv Europe come here, th' la-adsthat was too sthrong and indepindant to be kicked around be aboorgomasther at home an' wanted to dig out f'r a place where theycud get a chanst to make their way to th' money. I see their sonsfightin' into politics an' their daughters tachin' young Americanidee how to shoot too high in th' public school, an' I thoughtthey was all right. But I see I was wrong. Thim boys out theretowin' wan heavy foot afther th' other to th' rowlin' mills is allarnychists. There's warrants out f'r all names endin' in 'inski, an' I think I'll board up me windows, f'r, ' I says, 'if immygrantsis as dangerous to this counthry as ye an' I an' other pilgrimfathers believe they are, they'se enough iv thim sneaked in alreadyto make us aborigines about as infloointial as the prohibitionvote in th' Twinty-ninth Ward. They'll dash again' our stern an'rock-bound coast till they bust it, ' says I. 

"'But I ain't so much afraid as ye ar-re. I'm not afraid iv mefather an' I'm not afraid iv mesilf. An' I'm not afraid ivSchwartzmeister's father or Hinnery Cabin Lodge's grandfather. We all come over th' same way, an' if me ancestors were not whatHogan calls rigicides, 'twas not because they were not ready an'willin', on'y a king niver come their way. I don't believe inkillin' kings, mesilf. I niver wud've sawed th' block off thatcurly-headed potintate that I see in th' pitchers down town, but, be hivins, Presarved Codfish Shaughnessy, if we'd begun a few yearsago shuttin' out folks that wudden't mind handin' a bomb to a king, they wudden't be enough people in Mattsachoosetts to make a quorumf'r th' Anti-Impeeryal S'ciety, ' says I. 'But what wud ye do withth' offscourin' iv Europe?' says he. 'I'd scour thim some more, 'says I. 

"An' so th' meetin' iv th' Plymouth Rock Assocyation come to anend. But if ye wud like to get it together, Deacon Hinnissy, todiscuss th' immygration question, I'll sind out a hurry call f'rSchwartzmeister an' Mulcahey an' Ignacio Sbarbaro an' Nels Larsenan' Petrus Gooldvink, an' we 'll gather to-night at FanneilnoviskiHall at th' corner iv Sheridan an' Sigel sthreets. All th' pilgrimfathers is rayquested f'r to bring interpreters. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "divvle th' bit I care, on'y I'm herefirst, an' I ought to have th' right to keep th' bus fr'm bein'overcrowded. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me gran' nephew'sside, I don't know but ye're right. An' they'se wan sure way tokeep thim out. "

"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come, " saidMr. Dooley. 

White House Discipline

"Where did ye spind th' New Year's?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"I didn't go to th' White House rayciption, " said Mr. Hennessy, pleasantly. 

"I see ye didn't, " said Mr. Doolcy. "Ye'er ar-rm is not in asling. Man an' boy, Hinnissy, I've taken manny a chanst on melife, but I'd as lave think iv declarin' th' sintimints iv me heartin an Orange meetin' as dhroppin' in f'r a socyal call at whatHogan calls th' ixicutive mansion. That is, if I was a govermintemplyee, which I ain't, havin' been born wrong. 

"Th' time was whin a man lost his job an' his heart to th' prisidintat th' same time. A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform. He woke up an' rubbed his eyes an' says, 'Where am I?' an' th'polisman says: 'Ye're in an ash bar'l. ' He come fr'm th' WhiteHouse with tears in his eyes an' was tol' he was out iv wurruk. But, Hinnissy, th' prisint occypant iv th' White House is a heartierperson. A reproof fr'm him is th' same thing as a compound fracture. A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f'r a week an' a severeriprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg. 

"There was me frind, Gin'ral Miles. No more gallant sojer iverdhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f'r a coat thin Gin'ral Miles. He's hunted th' Apachy, th' Sioux, th' Arapahoo, th' Comanchee, th'Congressman an' other savages iv th' plain; he's faced death an'promotion in ivry form, an' no harm come to him till he wint up th'White House stairs or maybe 'twas till he come down. Annyhow, Gin'ral Miles was pursooin' th' thrue coorse iv a nachral warryoran' enlightenin' th' wurruld on th' things he happened to thinkiv. 'Tis what is ixpicted iv him. If ye don't read him ye don'tknow what's goin' on in th' wurruld. Ivry Sundah I pick up mepa-aper an' hurry through th' articles on what's a suitable Christmasgift f'r th' hired girl who'll pizen th' soup if she gets threeyards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an' what ought to bedone f'r th' Chinee, be Cap. Mahan, an' get down to what Gin'ralMiles thinks. 'Tis always good an' full iv meaty advice. 'IsMars inhabited?' 'Th' future iv th' Columbya river salmon, ' 'Iswhite lead good f'r th' complexion?' 'What wud I do if I had amillyion dollars an' it was so, ' 'England's supreemacy in CochinChina, ' 'Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare, ' 'Is th' Impireshouldhers goin' out?' 'Waist measurements iv warriors I have met, 'an' so on. Gin'ral Miles is th' on'y in-an'-out, up an' down, catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylistwe have left. On anny subject fr'm stove polish to sun worship, I'd take th' wurrud iv me frind Gin'ral Miles befure th' man thatmade th' goods. 

"'Twas that got him into throuble. Wan day afther inspictin' th'army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals onwhat he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority onnavy affairs befure steam come in. I don't know what th' divvlehe said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an'ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitoror a cow'rd. But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin'it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th'epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th'right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th'silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with theforget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House. As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogancalls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidintwasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but likea sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th'pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervouslypluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard. 'I've come, ' says Gin'ralMiles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion. ' 'Thankye, ' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th'army, ' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet. 'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct, ' he says, sindin'th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army fortyyear, ' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud knowthat an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th'reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv Idinnaw what, ' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorcedto administher ye a severe reproof, ' he says. 'Is that what thisis?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is, ' says th' prisidint. 'I thoughtit was capital punishnmint, ' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint outthrough th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' articlewill be entitled 'Hospital Sketches, ' an' I undhershtand he'sdictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suitsiv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army. 

"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years. A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'roffice holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' WhiteHouse where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' CivilSarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th'pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th'casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. Headministhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' SupremeCoort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' witha stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him abouthis leg. "'Tis gettin' betther, " says th' sinitor. "That's good, "says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'lltalk over that appointment, " he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivenedbe th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-classpost-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a footat th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby'sguerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, whoremarked on his return that life at th' White House was veryconfinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvicelaw till I take more exercise, " he said heartily. Th' ambulancewas at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin'been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to theirhomes. '

"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th'first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has beeninthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come, Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as yewant, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what Iwant an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel. Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin'mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-runpolliticks when I was captain iv me precinct. "

"But ye niver was prisidint, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I always had too soft a spot f'r age, " said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tisth' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther. "

Money and Matrimony

"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"He can if he can get th' money, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch saystwinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacredbonds--twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to havethat annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an'some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less;others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. Alarned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'mher music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollarshe'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal. Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewedan' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clearf'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant adivoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, Icome to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed. 

"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'mth' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th'parish priest an' there he was. 'Twas well if he had a job toobut if he hadn't it wasn't a bar. A marrid man can always findwurruk to do. He's got to. But no wan iver thought iv askin' himto skin open his bank book. They wasn't anny such things. Theywasn't anny banks. He didn't have to pin a cashier's check to th'proposal an' put in a sealed bid. If th' girls in my time an'this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man withtwinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' atthis minyit. 

"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hannawud say, an' not as an invistmint. We argyied that while th'childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'dfinished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jootiesiv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine, they cud support us in luxury. Th' young ladies had none th' bestiv us. They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms. It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days. Th' fatheriv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant tolook over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmintswas sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-lawwas he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimonyhe'd require. If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegarsthat were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pass ivry secondsaloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' firstfam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last. We wastoo dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin'a pound iv tinpinny nails. Durin' th' coortship no wan aroundth' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanstin awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol'man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen. Wespint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries wasbein' arranged. Th' coortship I think wint on be a complete systemiv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan nightth' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into aclinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint tobed. That was all they was to it. No wan assayed young LotharyoHinnissy iv th' sixth ward. If they heard he had twinty-fivedollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him. I mindwhin Hogan was goin' to marry Cassidy's daughter. 'I haven't acint, ' he says. 'Hurry up an' marry thin, ' says Cassidy, 'or yemight have. '

"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, Ithink that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us. An' that'sa good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills. It wudden'tdo to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin'ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit. Some wan might call ye. Butit's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies. 'Tis far diff'rent. Iread be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can'tshow down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel likegoin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remaina gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time. Notf'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin'him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendherinfant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequentletthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come. No rayspictiblewoman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none oughtto have him afther he's got it. 

"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up tillhardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim. A man believes th'judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephineto be a poor man's wife. I'll wait till I get a millyion. ' It'snot so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' rightpeople to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eagersuitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherablypast th' age iv consint. Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle. He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two onth' house. So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays downhis pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th'glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a littleslow. Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints. Sinceseein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a privateyacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have aclub suit, ye ought to pass up th' make. A slight oversight someafthernoon in distinguishin' thrumps an' they wudden't be enoughiv that bundle left to put a rubber band around. No, Mike, I thinka gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that adaughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty. ' An' so it goesthrough th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th'very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already. 

"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don'tknow that I ought to worry about it. I haven't noticed annyreduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day. Th'Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' ifthey've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to knowwhere they got it an' notify th' polis. No, sir, th' gloryous ol'instichooshion iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay, an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct. If th'rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish aboutthese things, an' there's hope in that. "

"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?"asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wastedon him, " said Mr. Dooley. 

Prince Henry's Visit

"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnerycomes over, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"By th' way, " said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity, "what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th'nevvew?"

"He's nayther, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' impror has no sons that Iiver heerd iv. If he had a son he'd be a steam injine. No, sir, this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans. I don't exactlyknow what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is. I knowwhat an impror has to do. His wurruk's cut out f'r him. I cudfill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan animpror has to plaze is himsilf. Th' German impror frequentlymintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness. I know whatan impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brotherhas to do ex officio, as Hogan says. But this boy Hinnery or Hanshas more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town. He's akind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad. His bag is readypacked ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in hisboots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradlef'r him to slide down to th' first flure. 

"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds onth' gong. In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddherhe goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on hishat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistanat a gallop. His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewellto him. 'Go, Hinnery, ' he says. 'Go, me dear brother, to th'land iv perpetchooal sunshine an' knock in nails f'r to hang upth' German armor, ' he says. 'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happento hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an'raymimber ye done it f'r me, ' he says. 'I will remain at home an'conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' assistance iv that GermanProvidence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that welook up to as our akel, ' he says. An' Hinnery goes away. Hetravels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field. He's th'ginooine flyin' Dutchman. His home is in his hat. He hasn't sleptall night in a bed f'r tin years. 'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnerythat; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an'Hinnery there. Th' cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th' time cardsiv railroads. Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhersnew shirts. He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo;he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes afrind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans. Hecarries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other, an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead. Onsecond considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th'Krupp. They'se more where it come fr'm. 

"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smartman. I used to think 'twas not so. I thought he had things unaisyin his wheel-house. I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says:'Look out f'r war. This wild man will be in that office f'r ayear whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld. ' An'ivrybody framed up f'r him. But look ye what happened. 'Tistwinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had. Ivrybody else has been in throuble. A screw-maker iv a sindintarylife has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks thatwere considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on apush cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' Japs has been atwar, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin'wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got theirdandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen, Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone, Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessendealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver willhave anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation ivnayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down moreforfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time. 

"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter buta fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that alwayshas a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' secondblows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well, that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort. His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticketto th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in thespoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th'gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th'assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys, get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle;go in, Boer. ' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides. 'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure. Goodf'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war. Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exerciseye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds. ' If wan or th' otherbegins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's. Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin'but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestantsis alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' askshim if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round. 

"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In highdi-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happyjollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th'back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fistundher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back. Sometimes hedoes both at th' same time. An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's wayiv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimyiv all others. He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' Kingiv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears. An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'llhaul off an' swing on wan iv th' others. 

"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on thiscounthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furrinerssomewhat. They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that wasborn with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle, an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th'bluff I've been makin' these manny years. What'll I do to makethim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their ownhouse to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it. They're a dimmycraticpeople. I'll sind thim a prince. They can't keep him away, an'whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get upschootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll seehow manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure hemakes faces at me. F'r, wanst a German, always a German be itiver so far, ' he says. 'I'll sind thim Hinnery. Hinnery! Turnin th' alarm f'r Hinnery, ' he says. Hinnery slides down th' polean' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r Americaan' pay a visit to whativer king they have there. Take alongannywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as longas ye plaze. Don't ring. Back th' dhray again' th' front durean' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see. Act just asif ye was me, ' he says. 'But I'm not invited, ' says Hinnery. 'Write ye'er own invitation, ' says Willum. 'Here's th' answer:'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brotherHinnery to spind a year with ye, not received. In reply will saythat nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure. He can stay as longas he plazes. Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' wholehouse, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf. If ye have a brother, don't neglect to sind him over to see me. I know a good hotel atfour a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th'front window, he can see me go by anny day. Ye'ers, Willum, Rexan' a shade more. '

"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryousrayciption. Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th'prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wancontinyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds, katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals. Th' aristocracyiv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will befestooned with dachshunds. He'll see more Germans an' more GermanGermans thin he iver see in Prooshya. An' I hope he'll have agood time. "

"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Princeunawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottleiv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodleivry time he reached. An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far asth' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye, good-bye, Hinnery. Good-bye, Hans. Guten nobben, oof veedersayin, me boy. Good luck to ye. Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re. Be careful iv th' gate. D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'dgo as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on. Well, good-byelanksman. Raymimber me to ye'er brother. Tell him not to f'rgetthat little matther. Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th'wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' willget our heads knocked off if we go into a fight. Good-bye, meinfrind. ' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, whatd'ye think iv that?'"

Prince Henry's Reception

"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"He's havin' th' time iv his life, " said Mr. Dooley. "Not sinceth' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglarsiv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as thiswan. Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, buthe niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here. Whin he's athome he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him. He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' usefulto let people know where they are. But whin he comes to this homeiv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wudimply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else. I tell ye, we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop. We're showin' himthat whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, itdon't prejudice us again' live princes. Th' princes we hate isthim that are dead an' harmless. We've rayceived him with openarms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a goodfellow. 

"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years amongth' Germans. I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye. They makegood beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they arefond iv their fam'lies an' cheese. But wanst a German, alwaysDutch. Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim allPerkins an' brought thim up in Worcester. A German niver ra-alyleaves Germany. He takes it with him wheriver he goes. Whin anIrishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American asPresarved Fish. But a German is niver an American excipt whin hegoes back to Germany to see his rilitives. He keeps his ownlanguage, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry, his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, orif he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish. Ibet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'dsay: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia. ' He don't ra-aly know he ivercome to this counthry. I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf. Healways counts in German. 

"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all rightan' I'm glad he come. I hear he wrote home to his brother thatis th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherfulcounthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption. I've almost died laughin'. We was met forty miles out at sea bea band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. We encounteredanother band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles tillwe got up to New York. I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war. In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintativesiv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. I rayceived siveraloffers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye sayin ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin'insthructions fr'm ye. At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin'th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th'Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch onth' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th'guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, himclutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplanksingin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock. 

"'I am much imprissed be New York. I hate it. Th' buildin's arevery high here but th' language is higher. If I was to go homenow, ye wudden't know me. Afther I hear a speech I don't dare tolook in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye, mein lieber. Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, wasa cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother, niver got by th' barrier. I hope I'll have time to cool downbefure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up. 

"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint. Ivrywhere Igo, they'se music or something that does as well. I have a musicalinsthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watchon th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'. Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser. "I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an' hock th' Watchon th' Rhine. (This here is an American joke. I'm gettin' onfast. ) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week. They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'rme. Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow. AftherwardI'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry. Won'tthat be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver tookdinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim foodan' lodgin'--in jail. I wish ye was here to go with me. Ye'vehad more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye'vehad printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests. Th'newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind. I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlightbe an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' aninterview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th'Queen iv Ohio. 

"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah. I am actually invited toa dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv NewYork an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward. Hooray, hooray! Mindye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men. Far fr'm it. No onegets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out ivth' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry. An' I'm ast to meetthim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly. I'm goin' to buy me a tablef'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' agood account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th'current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be noskeleton at th' feast. 

"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th'merrymint goes blithely on. Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where Iexpict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a lookat th' new railway station. Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago(pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya, an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahoogawhere wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was foughtbetween Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer. I ixpict to larna good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor ivth' counthry befure I rayturn. But this buttherfly existence iskillin' me. It is far too gay. I suppose whin I was younger, Iwud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passedan' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryeltiesiv Europe. Ye'ers, Hinnery. '

"Yes, he's havin' a good time. But what th' pa-apers calls th'climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives inChicago. Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him. Schwartzmeister'sfam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry. He had an uncle that wasbooted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince. We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned. Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon, Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans, ' at th'Halsted sthreet opry house. Choosdah, iliven A. M. , inspiction ivth' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard;avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville, ' at th' opry house. Winsdahmornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law'scoal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an'th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retailsaloonkeepers. There's th' whole programme. They may think inNew York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him whatgayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv oursupreemacy as a nation. That's what he wants to see an' we'llshow it to him. "

"Goowan, " said Mr. Hennessy. "He don't know ye. "

"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim, " said Mr. Dooley. "To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a manwho sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery, between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyiontons iv steel. We're all alike to him--Carnaygie, Rockyfellar, Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me. "

"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I wondher, " said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"

Cuba vs. Beet Sugar

"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "What's beet sugar?"

"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble aboutbeet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeensis th' Ph'lippeen throuble, " said Mr. Dooley. "As rega-ards Cubia, she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorcefr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserablehome but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit, an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse tobuy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman. We freedCubia but we didn't free annything she projooces. It wasn't herfault. We didn't think. We expicted that all we had to do wasto go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shacklesfr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no otherprotiction f'r her poor feet. We f'rgot about th' Beet. Most ivus niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower exciptbiled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own lifejuice. We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th'nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochionsan' a lot iv other things akelly precious. Th' Beet is th' naytionalanthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytionalmotto befure long. 

"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th'same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or anotherit didn't suit her entirely. A sort iv cravin' come over her thatit was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knewwhin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel. Hunger, Hinnissy, is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism. They'senot much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungryfreeman. Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom. Ye can't make freedominto a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it. It won'tbile, fry, bake or fricassee. Ye can't take two pounds iv freshcreamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull ivnaytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytionalair, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th'shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tiredfreeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'ra job. So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us, 'she says. 'Ye give us freedom, ' says she, 'an' more thin enoughto go round, ' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thradea little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries, ' she says. 'We willwear wan shackle f'r a ham, ' says she, 'an' we'll put on a fullraygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongsf'r a square meal, ' says she. 

"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rouspeople whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress withwhativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beetcrosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy, th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv PlymouthRock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv theeI sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' withth' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion followsth' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beetis th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yonstar spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhrya counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied. 'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'--Dan'lWebster. 'Thank Gawd I--I also--am a Beet'--th' same. 'Gover'mintiv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'mth' earth, '--Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pieback into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an'lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye thinkso? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has comewhin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am noserf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteelthin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave, I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable. If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' insidenot fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin Ido, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistibleviggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato, th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion, th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip, but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet. No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom. I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'mgoin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand onth' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin'specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th'Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, ifth' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedomstopped befure it was half done. "

"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens, " said Mr. Dooley, "excipt that th' throuble down there is all over. "

"All over?"

"All over. "

Bad Men From The West

"I see, " said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirmth' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd beenin jail. "

"Pro-fissyonal jealousy, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact ivth' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' FarWest want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty ivth' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind outa man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that canmultiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint heknows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligentofficers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day itbecome necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzonya competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peaceiv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin'thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' abrother in th' legislachure. But th' prisidint says no. 'No, 'he says, 'none but th' best, ' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin'sun, 'he says. 'I know th' counthry well, ' he says, 'an' to copewith th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have aman that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces, ' he says. 'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again'th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an'tireless round iv shoot, ' he says. 'Ye can't expict him to riprisintth' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln. He'd bebucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups. No, sir, th'man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pass. This imminint statesman has pocketed more balls thin anny otherdisperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrustedto his hands is sure to be delivered to their object, ' he says, 'or, ' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object, ' he says. 

"'But, ' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight. '

"'A boyish error, ' says th' prisidint. 'Th' man threw th' knifeat him, ' he says. 

"'And he kilt a man, ' says they. 

"'Ye do him an injustice, ' says th' prisidint. 'Kilt a man, saysye! Kilt a man! Such is fame. Why, ' he says, 'he's kilt more menthin th' Sinit has repytations, ' he says. 'Ye might jus' as wellsay me frind Sinitor Bivridge wanst made a speech, or that Shakesperewrote a play, or that it's a fine tooth I have. If all th' peopleJake has kilt was alive to-day, we'd be passin' congisted disthrictligislachion f'r Aryzony. Kilt a man is it? I give ye me wurrudthat ye can hardly find wan home in Aryzony, fr'm th' proudestdoby story-an'-a-half palace iv th' rich to th' lowly doby wan-storyhut iv th' poor, that this flagrant pathrite hasn't deprived ivat laste wan ornymint. Didn't I tell ye he is a killer? I didn'tmane a man that on'y wanst in a while takes a life. He's a ralekiller. He's no retailer. He's th' Armour iv that particularline iv slaughter. Ye don't suppose that I'd propose f'r toenthrust him with a lofty constichoochinal mission if he on'ykilt wan man. Me notions iv th' jooties iv public office is farhigher thin that, I thank hivin. Besides in th' case ye speak iv'twas justifiable homicide. He had ast th' man to dhrink withhim. No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an' I find himfully equipped f'r anny emergency. He niver misses. He's th' manf'r th' place, th' quick dhrawin', readily passionate, hammerlessgun firin' Terror iv th' Great Desert. '

"But th' Sinit didn't approve iv him. Th' sinitor fr'm Matsachoosetts, where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin' it, pro-tested again' him, an' 'twas fin'lly discovered that earlyin his career he'd been caught runnin' off a bunch iv cows an'pushed into jail, an' that was too much f'r th' hon'rable body, hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught. So they giveJake th' go-by. 

"But it'll come out all right in th' end. Th' prisidint knowswhat th' West wants an' he 'll get it f'r thim. Th' West is noeffete community, where th' folks likes a quiet book-keepin' life, an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th' windy, wind th' clockan' so to bed. That may do f'r th' East. But in th' West, wedemand Sthrenuse Life an' Sudden Death. We're people out here onth' des'late plains where th' sun sets pink acrost th' gray desertan' th' scorpion clings to th' toe. We don't want pianny tunersor plasther saints to govern us. We want men who go to bed withtheir spurs on, an' can break a gun without spikin' their thumbs. We'll have thim too. Undher precedin' administhrations, th' jobwint to th' la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed torun a dairy lunch. Some iv th' bes' places in th' West is heldbe th' poorest shots, while men capable iv th' mos' sthrikin' gunplays is left to devote their talents to private functions. An'they call that th' merit system! I expict th' time is near at handwhin justice will be done thim worthy citizens. At prisint whina man is needed f'r a govermint office, he is called on to setdown with a sheet of pa-aper an' a pot iv ink an' say how mannytimes eight-an'-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr'm th' baseiv th' hypothenoose, an' if he makes th' answer bright an' readable, they give him a place administherin' th' affairs iv a proud peoplethat cudden't tell a hypothenoose fr'm a sea-lion. But whin thingsgets goin' right undher this administhration, th' civil sarvicecommission consistin' iv th' Hon. Bill Cody, th' Hon. Texas Jack, an' th' Hon. Bat Masterson will put th' boys through an examinationthat'll bring out all there is in thim. I'm preparin' a pa-aperf'r an examination iv candydates f'r sup'rintindint iv th'Smithsonyan Institoot:

"1. Describe a round-up. 

"2. Name five iv th' best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye haveused. 

"3. Afther makin' a cinch, is it proper f'r to always kick th'critter in th' stomach or on'y whin ye feel like it?

"4. Undher what circumstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and ifso, why?

"5. How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is entitled to live?

"6. Name eighty reasons f'r dhrawin' a gun. 

"7. State ye'er opinyion iv sheep men. 

"8. Write a brief account iv th' life an' death iv Billy th' Kid. 

"Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on'y a part iv th' exercise. They'llbe practical tests as well. Th' iligible list'll be taken outinto th' yard an' required to shoot at movin' an' stationarytargets, at pedesthreens an' horsemen, fr'm th' pocket, fr'm th'hip, over th' shouldher, fr'm a window with a sawed-off shot gun, an' so on. They'll be required to bust a buckin' bronc, cut outa steer fr'm th' herd without stampedin' th' rest, lassoo movin'objects an' give other exhibitions iv science. An' th' la-adthat wins out'll have to defind his job again' all comers f'r amonth. 

"I want to see this day. We're a nation iv hayroes, an' none buthayroes shud enjye th' spoil. Thin we'll read that th' Hon. MikeMcCorker has been appinted Ambassadure to England: 'Mike is waniv th' mos' detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an' Rawlins. His early life was spint in seclusion, owin' to a little diff'renceabout a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thinhe made his mark on th' marshal iv Red Gulch. He applied himsilfto his chosen career with such perseverance an' so thrue an aimthat within two years he had risen to th' head iv his pro-fission, a position that he has since held without interruption exciptdurin' th' peryod whin th' Hon. Grindle H. Gash shelled him f'rthree days with a howitzer. His remarkable night attack on thatgallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f'rgotten. A greatovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f'r th' coortiv Saint James. Some iv th' boys is loadin' up f'r it already, an' near all th' Chinese has moved into th' hills. AmbassadureGash was a Rough Rider durin' th' late Cubian War. 

"'Th' appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th'United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizensiv New Mexico. Judge Flush is th' recognized authority on gunshot wounds an' lynch law in th' Southwest, besides bein' in privatelife a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf. He was wan ivth' first men up San Joon Hill on th' mim'rable day. 

"'Th' sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th'Rough Riders, includin' th' sicrety iv th' threesury, th' postmasthergin'ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an' wan hundherdan' eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo. Th' conversation wasinformal, but it is undhershtud that th' advisability iv an excursionto Boston to shoot up th' anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed. Th' prisidint dhropped in durin' th' conference an' greeted allprisint be their first name, which is Bill. There was somegood-natured chaff as to which iv th' gintlemen was first at th'top iv San Joon Hill befure th' meetin' broke up. Th' postmasthergin'ral is sufferin' fr'm a slight knife wound. '"

"Ar-re all th' people West iv th' park shootin' men?" asked Mr. Hennessy timidly. 

"I think so, " said Mr. Dooley, "but a man that's been out theretells me not. He says annywan but an Englishman cud go fr'm wanend iv th' West to th' other without carryin' a gun, an' thatpeople that kill each other are not considhered rayspictable inTucson anny more thin they wud be in Eysther Bay, but that theyare mostly dhrunk men an' th' like iv that. Th' towns, he says, is run be fellows that sell ribbons, milk, yeast, spool thread an'pills an' pull teeth an' argye little foolish law suits, just asth' towns down here are run, an' th' bad men are more afraid ivthim thin they are iv each other. He says there are things doin'out West that niver get into th' dime novels, an' that whin peoplelose their lives they do it more often in a saw mill or a smelterthin in a dance hail. He says so but I don't believe him. "

"I suppose, " said Mr. Hennessy, "a man iv me peaceable dispositionwud niver get a job. "

"Make a repytation, " said Mr. Dooley. "Buy a gun. "

European Intervention

"Th' question befure th' house is, " said Mr. Dooley, "which waniv th' Euro-peen powers done mos' f'r us in th' Spanish war. "

"I thought they were all again' us, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"So did I, " said Mr. Dooley, "but I done thim an injustice. I wascrool to thim crowned heads. If it hadn't been f'r some wan power, an' I can't make out which it was, th' Cubians to-day wud beopprissed be th' Casteel instead iv th' Beet Sugar Thrust an' th'Filipinos'd be shot be Mausers instead iv Krag-Jorgensens. Somewan power sthretched out its hand an' said, 'No. No, ' it said, 'thus far but no farther. We will not permit this misguided butwarrum-hearted little people to be crushed be th' ruffyan poweriv Spain, ' it said. 'Niver, ' it said, 'shall histhry record thatth' United States iv America, nestlin' there in its cosy raypublicfr'm th' Atlantic to th'Passyfic, was desthroyed an' th' hurtageiv liberty that they robbed fr'm us wasted because we did not givethim support, ' it says. An' so whin th' future looked darkest, whin we didn't know whether th' war wud last eight or be prolongedf'r tin weary, thragic minyits, whin it seemed as though th' Spanishfleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silentlycomfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, ifthey can. ' But I don't know which wan it was. 

"At first I thought it was England. Whiniver ye hear iv annycounthry helpin' us, ye think it is England. That's because Englandhas helped us so much in th' past. Says Lord Cranburne in replyto a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorcedbe mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their wayto China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side ivth' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be. " Whin warwas first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an'decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an'invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so wecabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' informth' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot oncivilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind. I amglad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious. War was immeedjatelydeclared. I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as wer-read th' news fr'm day to day. Ye know. I will on'y say thatwe insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power tohelp our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers. Hepractically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod, an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with thisbinnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off, " or"I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye willabdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an'cede New England to Spain, " done more thin annything else to putheart into th' American foorces. I will add that durin' this timewe was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th' powers who astus to inthervene. I will not say which power it was, excipt thatit was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv meoffice fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyondhintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly, China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro, Booloochistan an' Pershya. Pah's reply to th' ambassadure was:"I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs. It ill becomesme to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hivenknows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' faceiv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remarkthat Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England, thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos'inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, welint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish. Cud frindship gofarther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not. "'

"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medalf'r savin' life on th' breasts iv th' hands acrost th' sea wherethere's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals. But th' nex' day, Ipicks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it butGermany. Yes, sir, 'twas Germany. Germany was our on'y frind. They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shootat us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act. They'senawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind. Yes, it was Germany. But it was France, too. La Belle France was there with a wurrud ivencouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes thatkep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded. An' it was Rooshya. Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'mso sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frindtill th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'Ph'lippines. 

"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind. How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisylies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'rsome iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiverit was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye tolook at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wudbe hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, orthat Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutchf'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind, we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' theywud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn'tblow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint anirresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wudrayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny warthat th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will declineto eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short ribsides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces, Europe cud outstarve America in a month. "

"I'm not afraid iv thim, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a youngman, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' asf'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark. "

"Perhaps ye're right, " said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reatpowers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye knowwhat I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand thatrules th' wurruld. "

The Philippine Peace

"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens, " saidMr. Hennessy. 

"Ye ought to go to Boston, " said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about itthere in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhereelse is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talkabout Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'senawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead, garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher toschool, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hivenf'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'flag above thim. 

"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taftsays so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whinhe sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no bettherthin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with ourrule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton. They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will makethim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury. I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so. 

"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young butspeechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tinminyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly ourfair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with sidecombs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back withbeautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' thatis betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was. Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappearedan' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurercharms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to acigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that setsoff her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair, an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny littleisles iv th' Passyfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I hadto come away. 

"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quantities iv produce, none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th'riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud looklike a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain. Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are. Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'I didn't go down there f'r that purpose. 

"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurruddescribes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unlessth' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enoughrain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin thatthropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, soth' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflictmore northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines itshines. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sunhas been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowdedwith juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness thatis indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was beprofission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers theyare delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'Passyfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye haveheard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wudbe a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modifiedbe an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraductioniv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' cratheriv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box. It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan. 

"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Notperhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a whilewhin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usuallyhappens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th'Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooedbe th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it onhim. Th' counthry may be divided into two parts, pollytically, --whereth' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be. Th'brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrectedparts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme intheir own house. Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyallaw in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears. Th'raysult is much th' same. Th' two branches wurruks in perfectharmony. We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'counthry. 

"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away. Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs ivth' counthry. We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benightedhaythen th' well-known, ol'-fashioned American wather cure. Ivcoorse, ye know how 'tis done. A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerdiv th' histhry iv this counthry. He is met be wan iv our sturdyboys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him tocheer f'r Abraham Lincoln. He rayfuses. He is thin placed uponth' grass an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouthso he cannot rejict th' hospitality. Undher th' inflooence ivth' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums orperhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor ivhis adoptive counthry. One gallon makes him give three groans f'rth' constitchoochion. At four gallons, he will ask to be wrappedin th' flag. At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle. Occasionallywe run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at meidee iv human rights an' swallow th' Passyfic Ocean, but I mus'say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions. Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'Spanyard, but we have improved on thim. I was talkin' with aSpanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long timean' he said he wudden't know th' counthry. Even th' faces iv th'people on th' sthreets had changed. They seemed glad to see him. Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration. Ourreconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'wurruld. But still we have to rely mainly on American methods. They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'garotte sildom. 

"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fadslike thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration. Plainsthraight-forward dealin's is me motto. A Filipino at his besthas on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind. He can be thried buthe can't thry his fellow man. It takes him too long. But in timeI hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good menan' thrue at th' inquest. 

"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories ivdisordher is greatly exaggerated. Th' counthry is pro-gressin'splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' shore, th' mountains are thereas they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flagfloats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' comeback with th' throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people. Gintlemen, I thank ye. '

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid storywill quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will letth' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness. "

"But sure they ought do something f'r thim, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"They will, " said Mr. Dooley. "They'll give thim a measure ivfreedom. "

"But whin?"

"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured, " said Mr. Dooley. 

Soldier and Policeman

"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard, " said Mr. Dooley. "Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men thathas come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been calleddown f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor Hoar an' th' rest iv thimbe hanged be th' heels. I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf. I'mnot sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyionson th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way. If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite thathe won't give me th' wather cure. Th' very thought iv it makesme flesh creep. 

"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th'fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an'fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th'prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has beencalled to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' EdwardAtkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers thatit can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th'reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol'commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joonhill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly butlovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States VolunteersCalv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidintiv th' United States. ' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' samecud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--allthey do to him is to break his back. 

"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht mefather had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' mebe precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whina man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctoror because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud goboundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher. 

"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battleiv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect helliv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his ownbean-blower. 

"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighthMacabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyestpart iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisinceiv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused tocommunicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he hadhad sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. Sowas th' gin'ral. 

"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens whois at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautifulisland possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night. He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had beenwathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all. He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what heheerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn'tintinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilictedto congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk ivpro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor ivhangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well. Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot outiv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch. 

"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinitrequirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff toth' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over toth' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barnback iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated beSinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther. '

"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man. An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'rif ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th'mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg aftheranother to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral thativer wint through a war behind a band on horse. They both belongto th' race iv round-headed men. Whin ye lenthen th' head iv aman or dog, ye rayjooce his courage. That's thrue iv all but th'bull-tarryer an' th' Turk. Both iv thim fight like th' divvle. Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder. Th'polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst amonth. A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce. He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint, or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department. Didn'tMike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch whereRed Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him beth' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frindFearless Freddy win he assumed false whiskers, pretinded to be anaygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden'texpict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin'an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave ivabsence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th'assembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be donewith th' wather taxes. No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was atroll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, incapturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinctan' ye'er own bringin' up. But I want ye to know, officer, thatthis important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin'ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint. Th' nex' timeye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord. Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan. ' An' Gilliganblushed. 

"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan. He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th'honors iv war. If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats, his buttons comes off. He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin hebrings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head. If he's promotedto sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayformadministhration. He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timberup hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' tosay but 'Move on there, now, ' an' if his foot slips anotherround-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv menthat's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily. 

"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked himover an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round. It's like a baseball. 'Tis so pecoolyar. An' he has a fightin'face. 'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade. Let's make asojer iv him. ' An' he wint into th' army. If he'd done there whathe's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be thistime--Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill;Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeensan' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin'Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iva mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader;Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I haveniver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States. ' If hisfoot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war onth' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' topiv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers?Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no. Gin'ral Mike has no peers. He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a humanskull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried. 'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austerebut hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do. Anny iv th'gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do, ' says Gin'ral Mike. Soth' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th'coort. 'Gintlemen, ' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort isnot so much did our gallant leader hammer th' coon as whether ourflag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizensshall iver come down. (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint. What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war, excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' thishere hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that, to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they donef'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank ivcaptain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty timeswhat it was. (Here th' coort weeps. ) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye finelittle boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'rus, to punish him?'

"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th'pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindationthat Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow. 

"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman. Why is it thatth' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if yesay 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet?I want to know. "

"I can't tell, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I heerd a frind iv Willum J. Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry likethey do in--in Germany, d'ye mind. "

"Niver fear, " said Mr. Dooley. "There's too manny Gilligans notin th' ar-rmy f'r that. "

King Edward's Coronation

"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don'tknow it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has beencawrnated, " said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off. "

"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Yes, " said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' illusthreesiv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnatedlas' Saturdah. 'Tis too bad it was put off. 'Twas got up, d'yemind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather. Th' king didn't need it. He's been king all th' time. A lot ivus knew it. All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeenfr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to seea cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here whereth' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are agood manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd liketo keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear theymight get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' useth' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints. So he got up th' cawrnation. An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it. They had to comehome here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expictto die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck. 

"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F'r weeks an'weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whetherth' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess ivBallyhoo durin' th' ceremony. It was decided that th' honor shudgo to th' noble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' noblemarkess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he setdown. Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but goup an' be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebodyakelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar. An' ivrybodycudden't do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th' right party, whose folks had done it f'r other kings. I've been readin' aboutit an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotchnobility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors. 

"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin' fr'm th'crown. ' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whinthey come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'vallyable gems in th' band was missin'. I don't know whether 'tisthrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisintking, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv aSaturdah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get somethingon it. An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, theycudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' windowan' pasted it in. It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wudhave to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden't find th' ticketshigh or low. It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an'there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along atth' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant joolsan' th' hat was properly decorated. Fr'm that time on we saw thatif we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' joboursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins. Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superblydicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lintthim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicategive thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lileAmerican hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that madeth' king jump ivry time he heerd it. 

"An' th' American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers. I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our libertieswhether an English nobleman iver marries at home. Is it a lawthat prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyeddaughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' Americanduchesses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th'cawrnation, ye bet. They were th' cawrnation. They bore th'thrain iv th' queen. No wan can lift a thrain betther or higherthin a free-born American lady. At th' side iv her majesty walkedth' beautiful Duchess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv DobbsFerry. Th' Duchess' father an' mother come over las' week withtheir respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook. Pa Hicks, not to be outdone, announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthralmansion iv th' duchess, which is now used as a livery stable. 

"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off. I won't describe it to ye. It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press. Yeknow ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'sthreets; how Wistminsther Abbey was crowded with peers an'peeresses, an' what a mighty shout wint up fr'm Willum WaldorfAstor whin he come in an' sat on his hat near th' dure. It wasall right. First come th' prelates backin' to'rd th' althar. Thin all th' jooks bowin' low. Thin th' queen, attinded be a bevyiv American duchesses. Thin th' king lookin' ivry inch aking--sixty-four be sixty-two in all. Thin th' Rile Shoes, th'Rile Socks, th' Rile Collar an' Cuffs, an' th' Rile Hat borne beth' hereditary Sockbearers, Shoesters, Collariferios, an' th' Highan' Magnificint Lid-Lord (in chains). Suddenly all is silent. Ahush falls on th' assimblage, broken on'y be a low, sad cry. Willum Waldorf Astor has fainted. 

"An' so, says th' pa-aper, in th' prisince iv th' mighty dead an'th' mighty near dead, among th' surroundings that recalled th'days iv shivaree an' in an atmosphere full iv aristocraticassocyations, on account iv th' vintilation bein' poor, AlbertEdward Ernest Pathrick Arthur, king, definder iv th' faith, puton his hat. Th' organ pealed off a solemn peal, th' cannons boomed, th' duchesses et hard-biled eggs out iv a paper bag, an' a paleman in silk tights wept over th' tomb iv Major Andhre. It wasJoseph Chote. That night all Great Britain rejoiced, fr'm wanend iv Ireland to th' other th' lile popylace showed their joyan' th' sky was lit up be hundherds iv burnin' barns an' a saluteiv forty-four guns was fired in th' County Kerry at a landlord'sagent comin' home fr'm a ball. 

"I hope he'll make a good king. I ain't so much down on kings asI used to be, Hinnissy. I ain't down on thim anny more because Idon't invy thim, an' ye can't be down on anny man ye don't invy. 'Tis a hard job an' a thankless wan. A king nowadays is no morethin a hitchin' post f'r wan pollytician afther another. He ain'tallowed to move himsilf, but anny crazy pollytician that ties upto him is apt to pull him out be th' roots. He niver has annychildhood. He's like th' breaker-boys in th' mines; he's put towurruk larnin' his thrade as soon as he can walk. Whin it comestime f'r him to marry, th' prime ministher takes him out wan dayan' says: 'There's th' on'y woman in th' wurruld f'r ye. ' 'But Iniver see her befure, ' says th' unforchnit king. 'Ye'll see lessiv her afther nex' week, ' says th' prime ministher. 'Ye're goin'to marry her, ' he says. An' he backs him up to th' bench whereth' young lady sets an' inthrajooces thim an' they're marrid. Think iv havin' th' boord iv aidhermen silict a wife f'r ye an'ye'll know how th' king feels whin a warrant is sarved again' himto hook up with his cousin Agoosta Ann, a German lady who frecklesaisily an' croshays neckties f'r a lift'nant in th' army. All hislife long a king is bossed about like a hired girl in a boardin'house, an' he can't aven die without havin' a lot iv people runnin'in ivry tin minyits to ask has he done it yet so they can be onth' mark to holler 'God save th' king' out iv th' front window th'moment th' flag falls. No, sir; I don't want to be a king an'whiniver I see a good fellow takin' th' job, I feel sorry f'r him. I know what he is up again'. "

"I believe ye're no betther thin th' rest iv thim thraitors, " saidMr. Hennessy. 

"I'm diff'rent, " said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "They helped him in an'I'd do annything in me power, now that he is king, to help him out. "

One Advantage of Poverty

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "ye ought to be glad ye're not sickan' illusthrees at th' same time. "

"How's that?" Mr. Hennessy demanded. 

"Well, ye see, " said Mr. Dooley, "suppose annything happens to yenow; a fellow counthryman dhrops a hammer on ye th' day afther th'picnic or ye'er di-gestion listens to a walkin' dillygate fr'm th'Union iv Microbes an' goes out on sthrike. Th' polisman on th'corner has th' usual suspicions among gintlemen an' hits ye overth' head an' calls th' wagon an' sinds ye home. Th' good womanwrings her hands an' calls Hiven to witness that if ye have atoothache ye wake th' neighborhood, an' slaps a mustard plastheron ye. If she comes back later an' finds ye haven't put th' sheetbetween ye an' th' plasther an' gone to sleep, she knows 'tisseeryous an' sinds f'r th' doctor. We continyoo to have doctorsin what th' pa-apers calls th' outlyin' wards. They live aboveth' dhrug-store an' practice midicine on us. Th' physicians an'surgeons are all down town editin' th' pa-apers. Well, dock comesto ye afther awhile in a buggy. On th' way up he sets a brokenleg, removes an arm, does a little something f'r th' city directhry, takes a dhrink, talks pollyticks with th' unhappy parent an' fin'llylands at ye'er dure with th' burglar's tools. Afther he's closedthat dure th' secrets iv th' inner man is known on'y to him. Nowan hears or wants to hear annything about it. Th' nex' time wesee ye, ye come out lookin' pale an' emacyated an' much youngeran' betther lookin' thin annywan iver raymimbers seein' ye, an'afther awhile ye obsarve that whin ye start to tell how mannystitches it took an' what ye see whin ye smelled th' dizzy sponge, ye'er frinds begin to sprint away. An' ye go back reluctantly towurruk. Ye niver hear annywan say: 'Hinnissy is great comp'ny whinhe begins to talk about his sickness. ' I've seen men turn fr'm apoor, helpless, enthusyastic invalid to listen to a man talkin'about th' Nicaragoon canal. 

"But with th' great 'tis far diff'rent. I've often thanked th'Lord that I didn't continyoo in pollytics whin I was cap'n iv meprecinct, f'r with th' eyes iv all th' wurruld focussed, as Hogansays, on me, I cud niver injye th' pleasure iv a moment's sicknesswithout people in far-off Boolgahrya knowin' whether me liver wason sthraight. Sickness is wan iv th' privileges iv th' poor manthat he shares with no wan. Whin it comes kindly to him, th' fourwalls iv his room closes in on him like a tent, folks goes by onth' other side iv th' sthreet, th' rollin' mill disappears, an'with th' mornin' comes no honest day's tile. He lies there inblessid idleness an' no matther what's th' matther with him, hedon't suffer half as much pain as he would in pursoot iv two dollarsa day. I knowed a man wanst who used to take his vacations thatway. Whin others wint off f'r to hunt what Hogan calls th' finnymonsthers iv th' deep, he become seeryously ill an' took to bed. It made him very sthrong. 

"But suppose I hadn't resigned fr'm cap'n iv me precinct whin Iwas defeated. If annything had happened to me, ye'd pick up th'pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicondprecinct iv th' sixth ward. He has brain fever. He has not. Hegot in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in. He fellout iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broketh' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage. Th' throuble withth' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much. A man iv his age who has beena soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble likehyperthroopily iv th' cranium. Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' PostGradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similarcase las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' bestknown citizens iv this city. Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was ahigh liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt. Th' casesare almost identical. Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethicsDr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed MistherClohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life. '

"Thin come th' doctors. Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye awhiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'say 'I fooled ye. Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim. Theyescort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' littlenewsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers. 'Our night editionwill print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be DockLaparatonny. ' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' sameas if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man. But whin that is done, an''tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rencebetween a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithrywurruk begins. Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, putye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there. ' But not so. Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' storyiv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career. Be wan who knows. '

"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case asperitclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat. Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic, Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr. Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked outth' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured upth' bill. As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above. Wecan't raymimber th' name. It depinds on how th' syllables cameout iv th' hat. We were wrong, although what we see whin we gotin more thin made up f'r th' error. We made a long incision fr'mth' chin down an' another acrost an' not findin' what we expicted, but manny things that ought to be kept fr'm th' fam'ly, we put th'Cap back an' wint on. Th' op'ration was a complete success. Th'wretch is restin an' swearin' easily. We have given him a lightmeal iv pickles an' antiseptic oats, an' surgical science havin'done its duty, mus' lave th' rest to Nature, which was not in th'consultation, bein' considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular. (Signed) Look at our names: 'Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers, Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo, Saliclate. '

"But that's nawthin'. If ye think they'se annything ye wud liketo keep up ye'er sleeve, look f'r it in th' pa-apers. 'Th' followin'facts is stated on th' authority iv wan iv th' attindin' surgeons:Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th' chloryform, singin' songs, swearin' an' askin' f'r Lucy. His wife's name is Annamariar. Shewas in th' adjinin' room. It seems they have had throuble. Th'room was poorly furnished. Th' Cap's clothes was much worn as wasmost iv him. He must have led a shockin' life. It is doubtfulif he will iver raycover f'r he is very, very old. He has beenconcealin' his age f'r manny years. He is a notoryous profligate, as was well shown be th' view we had. Th' flash light pitcher ivth' Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry. '

"An' there ye ar-re. Think iv a man comin' out in th' light ivday afther all that. He can't get on clothes enough to cover him. He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivryman he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf. Th'fellow on th' sthreet has been within th' walls. He's sayin' tohimsilf: 'Ye're a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organsan' antiseptic gauze. ' To th' end iv his life, he'll niver beannything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds. His privacyis over f'river, f'r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, topull down th' blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th'size, shape an' location iv his spleen?

"No, sir, if I've got to be sick, give me th' ordhn'ry dacenciesiv poverty. I don't want anny man to know anny more about me thinhe can larn fr'm th' handiwork iv Marks, th' tailor, an' Schmitt, th' shoemaker, an' fr'm th' deceitful expression iv me face. IfI have a bad heart, let him know it be me eyes. On me vest iswritten: 'Thus far an' no farther. ' They'se manny a man on intimateterms with th' King iv England to-day that don't know anny moreabout me thin that I'm broadcloth on Sundah an' serge on week days. An' I don't intind they shall. I hide behind th' privileges ivme position an' say: 'Fellow-citizens, docks an' journalists, Icannot inthrajooce ye to th' Inner Man. He's a reecloose an'avarse to s'ciety. He's modest an' shy an' objects to callers. Ye can guess what kind iv man I am but I wudden't have ye know. 'An' I can do that as long as I stay poor. "

"I'm glad I'm poor, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"It gives ye less to talk about but more to think about, " said Mr. Dooley. 

The Fighting Word

"That man Bailey iv Texas f'r me ivry time, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"What's he been doin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"He done me frind Biv'ridge iv Injyanny, " said Mr. Dooley. "An'I'm f'r him f'r leader iv th' party. He's wan iv th' best two-handedorators in th' sinit or annywhere. He has a wondherful left an'his repartee with th' right is said to be very stingin'. He'sinthrajooced th' sthrangle holt be means iv which th' debate canbe suddenly cut off. He's me ideel leader. 

"I want a leader who's got a good grip on public affairs an' men, who can take hold iv anny question or anny raypublican an' chokeit or him till they're black in th' face. Bailey's th' boy. Ifollowed Tillman f'r awhile, but he's gone back. He belongs toth' ol' school iv parlymintaryans, th' same that Jawn L. Sullivanbelongs to. He's clever f'r an old 'un an' I'd be willin' to backhim again anny raypublican in New England at catch-weights. Hisreply to Sinitor McLaurin was said to be wan iv th' quickest iverheerd since th' days iv Dan'l Webster. It laid open th' scalp. But they tell me Tillman's speeches is not what Hogan callsimpromptchu. He rehearses thim ivry mornin' with a punchin'-bag. Bailey is more iv a nachral debater. No holds barred with him. Hand or fut, 'tis all th' same. 

"What was it all about, says ye? Well, ye see this sinitor fr'mInjyanny, me frind Jeremiah Biv'ridge made a mos' insultin' remarkto Misther Bailey. What did he say? I mustn't tell ye. No, no, 'tis too horrible. Well, if ye must hear it, close th' dure an'pull down th' blinds. Whisper! There! There ye have it. I blushto raypeat th' wurruds. To think that anny man shud so demeanhimsilf as to imagine such a thing, lave alone say it. But hedid--right out in th' Sinit befure Hinnery Cabin Lodge. Oh, itwas turr'ble. Here it is in th' pa-apers: 'Misther Biv'ridge saidth' st-t-m-nts iv th' hon'rable sinitor fr'm Texas was unw-r-nted. 'Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says. Now, th' sinitorsiv th' United States is not aisily shocked. That's not th' wayye get into th' Sinit. Th' bright blush iv shame hasn't been usedthere more thin twice since th' war. Ye can say almost annythingye like to a sinitor. Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, thathe's livin' undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust, that his on'y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New Yorks'ciety, an' th' Sinit will on'y yawn. But wanst even hint thathis such-an'-such is so-an'-so (I will not repeat th' heejouswurruds) an' ye mus' hurry an' slip on th' brass knuckles, f'rthey'se a slap comin' to ye. 

"Here's what happened: 'Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over SinitorsHoar, Mason, Quay, an' others an' made f'r where Sinitor Biv'ridgewas quitely smokin' a cigar an' talkin' to himsilf. Sinitor Baileysays: "Hon'rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooationagain' me good name, " he says. "I have not led a pure life. Noman has. I don't claim to be anny betther thin others. But nowan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an' if yedon't take thim back at wanst, I'll kill ye, I'll choke ye, I'llgive ye a poke in th' eye, " he says. "I cannot consint, " says th'bold sinitor fr'm Injyanny, "I cannot consint to haul back meepithet. It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy, " he says. "Thin, "says Sinitor Bailey, "here goes f'r an assault an' batthry. " An'with a gesture iv th' thrue orator, he seized him be th' throat. Th' debate become gin'ral. Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f'rth' raypublicans an' Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f'r th'dimmycrats. Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair, to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor. Owin'to th' excitin' nature iv th' debate on'y a few iv th' best remarksreached th' gall'ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin' outa riprisintative iv th' Sultan iv Zulu. At th' hospital he declaredhimsilf much imprissed. Durin' th' proceedin's Biv'ridge actedin th' mos' gintlemanly an' even ladylike manner. His face worea smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an' he niver took his cigarfr'm his mouth wanst. Indeed, it was siv'ral hours befure th'Havana cud be exthracted be th' surgeon who was called in. Whileth' debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson wasobsarved to give a slight moan an' turn its face to th' wall. Th'Sinit thin took up routine business an' th' janitor swept up th'hair an' neckties. Sinitor Biv'ridge was not much hurt. Th'tinder outside iv th' wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th'wurrukin' inside is still intact. '

"'Twas a pretty scene, Hinnissy, an' wan that makes me proud ivBailey f'r his courage in pouncin' on his collague; iv Biv'ridgef'r th' manly self resthraint an' rayspict f'r th' dignity iv th'Sinit that par'lyzes a man's hands whin his wind is cut off; ivour noble counthry that projooces such sturdy sons, iv th' Sinitthat brings thim together in a clinch an' iv mesilf because Iwasn't there. I'm with Bailey. Bailey f'r prisidint! Bailey orbust or choke!

"I'm not sure that if I was in th' same place I'd do th' samething. But I'm no statesman. Who am I to say that what wudden'tbe manners in a bar-room is not all right in th' Sinit? Diff'rentmen has diff'rent raisons f'r fightin'. Ivry man will fight. Yecan bet on that. A brave man will fight because he is brave an'a cow'rd because he is a cow'rd. All men will fight an' all menwill run. Some will fight befure they'll run, but they'll run;some men will run befure they'll fight, but they'll fight. They'sea pretty good fight an' a pretty fast run in ivry man I know. Th'debate in th' Sinit don't prove annything about th' merits ivayether pug. In some other circumstances, Biv'ridge might havehunted Bailey up a three. It happened to be Bailey's day. 

"As I get on in years, I believe less in fightin'. 'Tis a turr'blething to see th' aged an' infirm swingin' away at each other. 'Tis so unscientific. I hate to think iv a man with one leg inth' grave usin' th' other to thrip th' free foot iv a fellow aged. I'm glad Bailey an' Biv'ridge ar-re young men. What a scandal ifSinitor Cullom an' Sinitor Morgan shud mix it up! Wan iv th' thingsa man larns as he grows old is to dislike fightin'. He dislikesannything he can't do as well as he cud. I'm that way. But Iwasn't always so. No, sir. They was a time whin I'd fight at th'dhrop iv a hat, f'r money or marbles or pool checks, f'r th' goodname iv women or th' revarse, f'r political principles or unprincipledpolitics, f'r th' gate receipts, f'r me relligion, f'r th' lookiv th' thing, because th' barkeeper heard what he said, because hewhispered to her, f'r th' sacred theery that th' buildin's is higherin Chicago thin in New York, f'r th' fun iv th' thing, an' f'r th'Fight. That last's th' best iv all. A man that won't fight f'rth' fight itsilf is no rale fighter. I don't know what wud makeme fight nowadays. I know lots iv things that wud make me wantto fight, but I've larned to repress me desires. Me heart is fulliv song but I've lost me voice. In me dhreams I'm always punchin'somebody's head. I shall niver f'rget th' night whin I put Jeffriesout iv th' business with wan well-directed punch an' me in me barefeet, too. I can niver f'rget it f'r I fell out iv bed and bumpedme head again' th' rocker iv a chair. But in me wakin' hours, I'ma man iv vi'lent impulses an' peaceful raysults. In a fight I'dbe like a deef-mute in a debatin' s'ciety. But as I said, Hinnissy, they was a day whin th' lightest wurrud was an insult. NowadaysI say to mesilf: 'Considher th' soorce. How can such a low blaggardas that insult me? Jus' because some dhrunken wretch chooses toapply a foul epitaph to me, am I goin' to dignify him be knockin'him down in th' public sthreet an' p'raps not, an' gettin' th'head beat off me? No, sir. I will raymimber me position in th'community. I will pass on with a smile iv bitter contempt. MaybeI'd betther run a little. '

"Th' las' throuble I got into I begun to think iv th' new suit Ihad on an' I knew me warryor days was over. Whin a man raymimbershis clothes or his appearance in battle, 'tis high time f'r himto retire fr'm th' ring. Th' ca'm, almost deathlike smile thatrests upon a man's face whin another man is cloutin' him about ison'y th' outward exprission iv something about two numbers up th'chest fr'm sea sickness. That's all I've got to say about fightin'. Ye can't lay down anny rules about it. "

"Ye niver will go to th' Sinit with thim views, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I don't want to, " said Mr. Dooley. "Some day th' Sinit will bepulled. "

Home Life of Geniuses

"A woman ought to be careful who she marries, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"So ought a man, " said Mr. Hennessy, with feeling. 

"It don't make so much diff'rence about him, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin a man's marrid, he's a marrid man. That's all ye can sayabout him. Iv coorse, he thinks marredge is goin' to change th'whole current iv his bein', as Hogan says. But it doesn't. Aftherhe's been hooked up f'r a few months, he finds he was marrid befure, even if he wasn't, which is often th' case, d'ye mind. Th' firstbride iv his bosom was th' Day's Wurruk, an' it can't be put off. They'se no groun's f'r dissolvin' that marredge, Hinnissy. Yecan't say to th' Day's Wurruk: 'Here, take this bunch iv alimonyan' go on th' stage. ' It turns up at breakfast about th' fourthmonth afther th' weddin' an' creates a scandal. Th' unforchnitman thries to shoo it off but it fixes him with its eye an' haulshim away fr'm the bacon an' eggs, while the lady opposite weepsand wondhers what he can see in annything so old an' homely. Itsays, 'Come with me, aroon, ' an' he goes. An' afther that hespinds most iv his time an' often a good deal iv his money withth' enchantress. I tell ye what, Hinnissy, th' Day's Wurruk hasbroke up more happy homes thin comic opry. If th' coorts wudallow it, manny a woman cud get a divorce on th' groun's that herhusband cared more f'r his Day's Wurruk thin he did f'r her. 'Hinnissy varsus Hinnissy; corryspondint, th' Day's Wurruk. ' They'dbe ividince that th' defindant was seen ridin' in a cab with th'corryspondint, that he took it to a picnic, that he wint to th'theaytre with it, that he talked about it in his sleep, an' that, lost to all sinse iv shame, he even escoorted it home with him an'inthrajooced it to his varchoos wife an' innocint childher. Soit don't make much diff'rence who a man marries. If he has a job, he's safe. 

"But with a woman 'tis diff'rent. Th' man puts down on'y part ivth' bet. Whin he's had enough iv th' convarsation that in UnionPark undher th' threes med him think he was talkin' with anintellechool joyntess, all he has to do is to put on his coat, grab up his dinner pail an' go down to th' shops, to be happythough marrid. But a woman, I tell ye, bets all she has. A mandon't have to marry but a woman does. Ol' maids an' clargymen doth' most good in th' wurruld an' we love thim f'r th' good theydo. But people, especially women, don't want to be loved thatway. They want to be loved because people can't help lovin' thimno matther how bad they are. Th' story books that ye give ye'erdaughter Honoria all tell her 'tis just as good not to be marrid. She reads about how kind Dorothy was to Lulu's childher an' sheknows Dorothy was th' betther woman, but she wants to be Lulu. Her heart, an' a cold look in th' eye iv th' wurruld an' her Matell her to hurry up. Arly in life she looks f'r th' man iv herchoice in th' tennis records; later she reads th' news fr'm th'militia encampmint; thin she studies th' socyal raygisther; furtheron she makes hersilf familyar with Bradsthreets' rayports, an'fin'lly she watches th' place where life presarvers are hangin'. 

"Now, what kind iv a man ought a woman to marry? She oughtn't tomarry a young man because she'll grow old quicker thin he will;she oughtn't to marry an old man because he'll be much older befurehe's younger; she oughtn't to marry a poor man because he maybecome rich an' lose her; she oughtn't to marry a rich man becauseif he becomes poor, she can't lose him; she oughtn't to marry aman that knows more thin she does, because he'll niver fail toshow it, an' she oughtn't to marry a man that knows less becausehe may niver catch up. But above all things she mustn't marry ajanius. A flure-walker, perhaps; a janius niver. 

"I tell ye this because I've been r-readin' a book Hogan giveme, about th' divvle's own time a janius had with his fam'ly. Acap iv industhry may have throuble in his fam'ly till there isn'ta whole piece iv chiny in th' cupboard, an' no wan will be thewiser f'r it but th' hired girl an' th' doctor that paints th'black eye. But ivrybody knows what happens in a janius' house. Th' janius always tells th' bartinder. Besides he has otherjaniuses callin' on him, an' 'tis th' business iv a janius to writeabout th' domestic throubles iv other janiuses so posterity'llknow what a hard thing it is to be a janius. I've been readin'this book iv Hogan's an' as I tell ye, 'tis about th' misery awretched woman inflicted on a pote's life. 

"'Our hayro, ' says th' author, ' at this peeryod conthracted anunforchnit alliance that was destined to cast a deep gloom overhis career. At th' age iv fifty, afther a life devoted to th'pursoot iv such gayety as janiuses have always found niciss'ry tosolace their avenin's, he marrid a young an' beautiful girl somethirty-two years his junior. This wretched crather had noappreciation iv lithrachoor or lithry men. She was frivolous an'light-minded an' ividintly considhered that nawthin' was rallylithrachoor that cudden't be thranslated into groceries. Nivershall I f'rget th' expression iv despair on th' face iv this godlikeman as he came into Casey's saloon wan starry July avenin' an'staggered into his familyar seat, holdin' in his hand a bit ivsoiled paper which he tore into fragmints an' hurled into th' coalscuttle. On that crumpled parchmint findin' a sombre grave amongth' disinterred relics iv an age long past, to wit, th' cariboniferiousor coal age, was written th' iver-mim'rable pome: "Ode to Gin. "Our frind had scribbled it hastily at th' dinner iv th'Betther-thin-Shakespere Club, an' had attimpted to read it to hiswife through th' keyhole iv her bedroom dure an' met no responsefr'm th' fillystein but a pitcher iv wather through th' thransom. Forchnitly he had presarved a copy on his cuff an' th' gem wasnot lost to posterity. But such was th' home life iv wan iv th'gr-reatest iv lithry masters, a man indowed be nachure with allthat shud make a woman adore him as is proved be his tindhervarses: 'To Carrie, ' 'To Maude, ' 'To Flossie, ' 'To Angehel, ' 'ToQueenie, ' an' so foorth. De Bonipoort in his cillybrated 'Mimores, 'in which he tells ivrything unpleasant he see or heerd in hisfrinds' houses, gives a sthrikin' pitcher iv a scene that happenedbefure his eyes. 'Afther a few basins iv absceenthe in th' reevgosh, ' says he, 'Parnassy invited us home to dinner. Sivral ivth' bum vivonts was hard to wake up, but fin'lly we arrived at th'handsome cellar where our gr-reat frind had installed his unworthyfam'ly. Ivrything pinted to th' admirable taste iv th' thrueartist. Th' tub, th' washboard, th' biler singin' on th' fire, th' neighbor's washin' dancin' on the clothes rack, were all inkeepin' with th' best ideels iv what a pote's home shud be. Th'wife, a faded but still pretty woman, welcomed us more or less, an' with th' assistance iv sivral bottles iv paint we had broughtwith us, we was soon launched on a feast iv raison an' a flow ivsoul. Unhappily befure th' raypast was con-cluded a mis'rablescene took place. Amid cries iv approval, Parnassy read hismim'rable pome intitled: 'I wisht I nivir got marrid. ' Aftherfinishin' in a perfect roar of applause, he happened to look upan' see his wife callously rockin' th' baby. With th' impetchosityso charackteristic iv th' man, he broke a soup plate over her headan' burst into tears on th' flure, where gentle sleep soon soothedth' pangs iv a weary heart. We left as quitely as we cud, considherin' th' way th' chairs was placed, an' wanst undher th'stars comminted on th' ir'ny iv fate that condimned so great a manto so milancholy a distiny. 

"'This, ' says our author, 'was th' daily life iv th' hayro f'r tinyears. In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiventhinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves. Forchnitlyth' pote was soon to be marcifully relieved. He left her an' shemarrid a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness. It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th' great pote, havin' called to make a short touch on th' woman f'r whom he hadsacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th' boorjawce'splumbin' shop. '

"So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtn't to marry a janius. She can't be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous orannything else a woman ought to be at times f'r fear it will getinto th' ditchn'ry iv bio-graphy, an' she'll go down to histhryas a termygant. A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman who's heerdtalkin' to her husband after they've been marrid a year. Hogansays all janiuses was unhappily marrid. I guess that's thrue ivtheir wives, too. He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on withhis fam'ly, scratch him fr'm ye'er public lib'ry list. An' thereye ar-re. "

"Ye know a lot about marredge, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I do, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Ye was niver marrid?"

"No, " said Mr. Dooley. "No, I say, givin' three cheers. I knowabout marredge th' way an asthronomer knows about th' stars. I'mstudyin' it through me glass all th' time. "

"Ye're an asthronomer, " said Mr. Hennessy; "but, " he added, tappinghimself lightly on the chest, "I'm a star. "

"Go home, " said Mr. Dooley crossly, "befure th' mornin' comes toput ye out. "

Reform Administration

"Why is it, " asked Mr. Hennessy, "that a rayform administhrationalways goes to th' bad?"

"I'll tell ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "I tell ye ivrything an' I'lltell ye this. In th' first place 'tis a gr-reat mistake to thinkthat annywan ra-aly wants to rayform. Ye niver heerd iv a manrayformin' himsilf. He'll rayform other people gladly. He likesto do it. But a healthy man'll niver rayform while he has th'strenth. A man doesn't rayform till his will has been impairedso he hasn't power to resist what th' pa-apers calls th' blandishmentsiv th' timpter. An' that's thruer in politics thin annywhere else. 

"But a rayformer don't see it. A rayformer thinks he was ilictedbecause he was a rayformer, whin th' thruth iv th' matther is hewas ilicted because no wan knew him. Ye can always ilict a manin this counthry on that platform. If I was runnin' f'r office, I'd change me name, an' have printed on me cards: 'Give him achanst; he can't be worse. ' He's ilicted because th' people don'tknow him an' do know th' other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey's oldestboy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden't get wather aboveth' third story wan day, because th' sthreet car didn't stop f'rus, because th' Flannigans bought a pianny, because we was nearrun over be a mail wagon, because th' saloons are open Sundah night, because they're not open all day, an' because we're tired seein'th' same face at th' window whin we go down to pay th' wather taxes. Th' rayformer don't know this. He thinks you an' me, Hinnissy, has been watchin' his spotless career f'r twinty years, that we'veread all he had to say on th' evils iv pop'lar sufferage befureth' Society f'r the Bewildermint iv th' Poor, an' that we're achin'in ivry joint to have him dhrag us be th' hair iv th' head fr'mth' flowin' bowl an' th' short card game, make good citizens ivus an' sind us to th' pinitinchry. So th' minyit he gets into th'job he begins a furyous attimpt to convart us into what we've beenthryin' not to be iver since we come into th' wurruld. 

"In th' coorse iv th' twinty years that he spint attimptin' to getoffice, he managed to poke a few warrum laws conthrollin' th'pleasures iv th' poor into th' stachoo book, because no wan caredabout thim or because they made business betther f'r th' polis, an' whin he's in office, he calls up th' Cap'n iv the polis an'says he: 'If these laws ar-re bad laws th' way to end thim is toenfoorce thim. ' Somebody told him that, Hinnissy. It isn't thrue, d'ye mind. I don't care who said it, not if 'twas Willum Shakespere. It isn't thrue. Laws ar-re made to throuble people an' th' morethrouble they make th' longer they stay on th' stachoo book. Butth' polis don't ast anny questions. Says they: 'They'll be lessmoney in th' job but we need some recreation, ' an' that night abig copper comes down th' sthreet, sees me settin' out on th' frontstoop with me countenance dhraped with a tin pail, fans me withhis club an' runs me in. Th' woman nex' dure is locked up f'rsthringin' a clothes line on th' roof, Hannigan's boy Tim getstin days f'r keepin' a goat, th' polis resarves are called out toprotict th' vested rights iv property against th' haynyous pushcartman, th' stations is crowded with felons charged with maintainin'a hose conthrary to th' stachoos made an' provided, an' th'tindherline is all over town. A rayformer don't think annythinghas been accomplished if they'se a vacant bedroom in th' pinitinchry. His motto is 'Arrest that man. '

"Whin a rayformer is ilicted he promises ye a business administhration. Some people want that but I don't. Th' American business man istoo fly. He's all right, d'ye mind. I don't say annything again'him. He is what Hogan calls th' boolwarks iv pro-gress, an' wecudden't get on without him even if his scales are a little tooquick on th' dhrop. But he ought to be left to dale with hisakels. 'Tis a shame to give him a place where he can put th'comether on millions iv people that has had no business thrainin'beyond occasionally handin' a piece iv debased money to a carconductor on a cold day. A reg'lar pollytician can't give awayan alley without blushin', but a business man who is in pollyticsjus' to see that th' civil sarvice law gets thurly enfoorced, willgive Lincoln Park an' th' public libr'y to th' beef thrust, chargean admission price to th' lake front an' make it a felony f'rannywan to buy stove polish outside iv his store, an' have it allput down to public improvemints with a pitcher iv him in th' cornerstone. 

"Fortchnitly, Hinnissy, a rayformer is seldom a business man. Hethinks he is, but business men know diff'rent. They know what heis. He thinks business an' honesty is th' same thing. He does, indeed. He's got thim mixed because they dhress alike. His ideeis that all he has to do to make a business administhration is tohave honest men ar-round him. Wrong. I'm not sayin', mind ye, that a man can't do good work an' be honest at th' same time. Butwhin I'm hirin' a la-ad I find out first whether he is onto hisjob, an' afther a few years I begin to suspect that he is honest, too. Manny a dishonest man can lay brick sthraight an' manny aman that wudden't steal ye'er spoons will break ye'er furniture. I don't want Father Kelly to hear me, but I'd rather have a competintman who wud steal if I give him a chanst, but I won't, do meplumbin' thin a person that wud scorn to help himsilf but didn'tknow how to wipe a joint. Ivry man ought to be honest to startwith, but to give a man an office jus' because he's honest is likeilictin' him to Congress because he's a pathrite, because he don'tbate his wife or because he always wears a right boot on th' rightfoot. A man ought to be honest to start with an' afther that heought to be crafty. A pollytician who's on'y honest is jus' th'same as bein' out in a winther storm without anny clothes on. 

"Another thing about rayform administhrations is they always thinkth' on'y man that ought to hold a job is a lawyer. Th' raison isthat in th' coorse iv his thrainin' a lawyer larns enough aboutivrything to make a good front on anny subject to annybody whodoesn't know about it. So whin th' rayform administhration comesin th' mayor says: 'Who'll we make chief iv polis in place iv th'misguided ruffyan who has held th' job f'r twinty years?' 'Th' manf'r th' place, ' says th' mayor's adviser, 'is Arthur Lightout, 'he says. 'He's an ixcillent lawyer, Yale, '95, an' is well up onpolis matthers. Las' year he read a paper on "The fine polisfoorce iv London" befure th' annyal meetin' iv th' S'ciety f'rLadin' th' Mulligan Fam'ly to a Betther an' Harder Life. Besides, 'he says, 'he's been in th' milishy an' th' foorce needs a manwho'll be afraid not to shoot in case iv public disturbance. ' SoArthur takes hold iv th' constabulary an' in a year th' polis canall read Emerson an' th' burglars begin puttin' up laddhers an'block an' tackles befure eight A. M. An' so it is on ivry side. A lawyer has charge iv the city horse-shoein', another wan isclanin' th' sthreets, th' author iv 'Gasamagoo on torts' is thryin'to dispose iv th' ashes be throwin' thim in th' air on a windy day, an' th' bright boy that took th' silver ware f'r th' essay on neexeats an' their relation to life is plannin' a uniform that willbe sarviceable an' constitchoochinal f'r th' brave men that wurrukson th' city dumps. An' wan day th' main rayformer goes out expictin'to rayceive th' thanks iv th' community an' th' public that hasjus' got out iv jail f'r lettin' th' wather run too long in th'bath tub rises up an' cries: 'Back to th' Univarsity Settlemint. 'Th' man with th' di'mon' in his shirt front comes home an' pushesth' honest lawyers down th' steps, an' a dishonest horse shoershoes th' city's horses well, an' a crooked plumber does th' city'splumbin' securely, an' a rascally polisman that may not be avarseto pickin' up a bet but will always find out whin PathrolmanScanlan slept on his beat, takes hold iv th' polis foorce, an' weraysume our nachral condition iv illagal merrimint. An' th'rayformer spinds th' rest iv his life tellin' us where we arewrong. He's good at that. On'y he don't undherstand that peoplewud rather be wrong an' comfortable thin right in jail. "

"I don't like a rayformer, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Or anny other raypublican, " said Mr. Dooley. 

Work and Sport

"A hard time th' rich have injyin' life, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"I'd thrade with thim, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I wud not, " said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis too much like hard wurruk. If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th' money, divvle th' bitiv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf. I'd set on a large Turkishsofa an' have dancin' girls dancin' an' a mandolin orchesthreeplayin' to me. I wudden't move a step without bein' carrid. I'dgo to bed with th' lark an' get up with th' night watchman. Ifannywan suggested physical exercise to me, I'd give him fortydollars to go away. I'd hire a prize fighter to do me fightin'f'r me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin', a jockey to do me ridin', an' a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin'. Here I'd set witha naygur fannin' me with osterich feathers, lookin' ca'mly outthrough me stained glass windies on th' rollin' mills, smokin'me good five cint seegar an' rejicin' to know how bad ye mus' befeelin' ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth. 

"But that ain't th' way it comes out, Hinnissy. Higgins, themillyionaire, had th' same idee as me whin he was beginnin' tobreed money with a dollar he ownded an' a dollar he took fr'm somewan that wasn't there at th' time. While he was hammerin' hoopson a bar'l or dhrivin' pegs into a shoe, he'd stop wanst in a whileto wipe th' sweat off his brow whin th' boss wasn't lookin' an'he'd say to himsilf: 'If I iver get it, I'll have a man wheel mearound on a chair. ' But as his stable grows an' he herds largedhroves down to th' bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an' whinhe's got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds he's up againstit. His throubles has just begun. I know in his heart Higgins'ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an' a cozy corner in aTurkish bath, but he can't injye it. He mus' be up an' doin'. An' th' on'y things annywan around him is up an' doin' is th'things he used to get paid f'r doin' whin he was a young man. 

"Arly in th' mornin' Higgins has got to be out exercisin' a horseto keep th' horse in good health. Higgins has no business on ahorse an' he knows it. He was built an' idycated f'r a cooper an'th' horse don't fit him. Th' nachral way f'r Higgins to ride ahorse is to set well aft an' hang onto th' ears. But he's tol'that's wrong an' he's made to set up sthraight an' be a good fellowan' meet th' horse half way. An' if th' horse don't run away withHiggins an' kill him, he's tol' it's not a good horse an' he oughtto sell it. An' mind ye, he pays f'r that though he can't helpraymimberin' th' man nex' dure fr'm him used to get tin dollars aweek f'r th' same job. 

"Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv fourhorses f'r a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job. He used to come in at night an' wish his parents had made him acooper, an' Higgins pitied him, knowin' he cudden't get out a lifeinsurance policy an' his wife was scared to death all th' time. Now that Higgins has got th' money, he's took th' brewery man'sjob with worse horses an' him barred fr'm dhrivin' with more thinwan hand. An' does he get annything f'r it? On th' conth'ry, Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An' he says he'shavin' a good time an' if th' brewery man come along an' felt sorryf'r him, Higgins wudden't exactly know why. 

"Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin' how he despised th' Swedesailors that used to loaf in th' saloon near his house dunn' th'winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th' same thing asdhrivin' a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to playgolf, which is th' same thing as bein' a letther-carryer withouta dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrudf'r batin' a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thingas bein' a bookmaker with th' chances again' ye; he has to goabroad, which is th' same thing as bein' an immigrant; he has toset up late, which is th' same thing as bein' a dhrug clerk; an'he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th' samething as bein' a sucker. 

"He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort isa kind iv non-union laborer. He don't get wages f'r it an' hedon't dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy, shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th' man thatruns th' steam-roller. It's a tough life. They'se no rest f'rth' rich an' weary. We'll be readin' in th' pa-apers wan iv thesedays: 'Alonzo Higgins, th' runner up in las' year's champeenship, showed gr-reat improvement in this year's brick layin' tournymintat Newport, an' won handily with about tin square feet to spare. He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as hishod carryer an' displayed all th' agility which won him so muchapplause arlier in th' year. 

"'Th' Pickaways carrid off all th' honors in th' sewer-diggin'contest yesterdah, defatin' th' Spadewells be five holes to wan. Th' shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th' banker was spicially noticeable. Th' colors iv th' Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an' darkbrown trousers. 

"'Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an' J. Pierpont Morganar-re to have a five days' shinglin' contest at NarragansettPier. George Gold is thrainin' f'r th' autumn plumbin' jimkanny. Mitchigan avnoo is tore up fr'm Van Buren sthreet to th' beltline in priparation f'r th' contest in sthreet layin'between mimbersiv th' Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts. Th' sledge teamsis completed but a few good tampers an' wather men is needed. '

"An' why not, Hinnissy? If 'tis fun to wurruk why not do some ralewurruk? If 'tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive?If dhrivin' a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a deliverywagon an' carry things around? Sure, I s'pose th' raison a richman can't undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th' richcan't see why annybody shud be paid f'r annything so amusin' aswurruk. I bet ye Higgins is wondherin' at this moment why he waspaid so much f'r puttin' rings around a bar'l. 

"No, sir, what's a rich man's raycreation is a poor man's wurruk. Th' poor ar-re th' on'y people that know how to injye wealth. Me idee iv settin' things sthraight is to have th' rich who wurrukbecause they like it, do th' wurruk f'r th' poor who wud ratherrest. I'll be happy th' day I see wan iv th' Hankerbilts pushin'ye'er little go-cart up th' platform while ye set in th' shade iva three an' cheer him on his way. I'm sure he'd do it if ye calledit a spoort an' tol him th' first man to th' dump wud be entitledto do it over again against sthronger men nex' week. Wud ye givehim a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? I'msure ye wud. "

"Why do they do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"I dinnaw, " said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is that th' wan greatobject iv ivry man's life is to get tired enough to sleep. Ivrythingseems to be some kind iv wurruk. Wurruk is wurruk if ye're paidto do it an' it's pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it. "

The Names of a Week

"What's goin' on this week in th' papers?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Ivrything, " said Mr. Dooley. "It's been a turbylint week. I canhardly sleep iv nights thinkin' iv th' doin's iv people. Th'campinily at Venice has fallen down. 'Twas built in 1604 be th'Beezantiums an' raystored in 1402 be th' Dogs. It fell down becauseth' foundations was weak, because th' wind blew, because th'beautiful figure iv th' goolden angel on top iv it was fifteenfeet high. It will be rebuilt or maybe not. Th' king iv Italyhas given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an' siv'ralladin' American archytects have offered to do th' job, makin' anoffice buildin' iv it. Th' campinily was wan iv th' proudestmonymints iv Italy an' was used as a bell-tower at times, an' atother times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th'gran' canal an' compare it with th' Erie, th' Pannyma an' th'dhrainage iv the same name. 

"Th' king iv England is betther. He's off in his yacht. So ar-reLaking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven!A hard life is science. Th' Hon'rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin'more slowly. He still sobs occas'nally in his sleep an' hasordhered all th' undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixesraymoved as a token iv rayspict f'r th' sthricken nation. Th'Hon'rable Whitelaw Reid is havin' a cast iv his knee breeches made, which will be exhibited in New York durin' th' comin' winter. 

"Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin' dinner with th'Impror Willum. It is undherstud he will presint him to th'Methropolytan Museem iv Art. There are said to be worse thingsthere. 

"Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job. Lord Salisberry was waniv th' grandest an' mos' succissful statesmen iv modhren times. He niver did annything. He is succeeded be his nevvew, MistherBalfour, if I get th' name right, who has done less. It is expictedthat Misther Balfour will have a good time. On rayceivin' th'congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he boughthimsilf a rayvolver an' took out a policy on his life. 

"A lady down east woke her husband up to tell him there was aburglar in th' house. Th' foolish woman. They'se always burglarsin th' house. That's what burglars are f'r, an' houses. Insteadiv argyin' th' pint in a loud voice, coughin' an' givin' th' burglara chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an' was kilt. Nowth' pa-apers with th' assistance iv th' officers iv th' law hasdiscovered that th' lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frindin th' summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with herhusband about th' price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth isplugged, that she wears a switch an' that she weeps whin she seesher childher. They'se a moral in this. It's ayether don't wakea man up out iv a sound sleep, or don't get out iv bed till yehave to, or don't bother a burglar whin ye see he's busy, or killth' iditor. I don't know which it is. 

"Willum Jennings Bryan is readin' me frind Grover Cleveland outiv th' party. He's usin' the Commoner to read him out. That's asure way. 

"Mary MeLane has been in town. I didn't see her, me place notbein' a raysort f'r th' young an' yearnin', an' especially meduckin' all lithry ladies iv whativer sex. Mary McLane is th'author iv a book called: 'Whin I am older I'll know betther. ' Yeought to read it, Hinnissy. 

"Th' Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an' th' aimiv rayturnin' husbands is much more sure. 

"Gin'ral Bragg fr'm up in Wisconsin has been gettin' into throublewith our haughty allies, th' Cubians, he writin' home to his wifethat ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig's tailas a dacint man out iv a Cubian. Gin'ral Bragg will be bouncedan' he ought to be. He don't belong in pollytics. His place isiditor iv a losin' newspaper. 

"Gov'nor Taft has been in Rome showin' th' wurruld how succissful, sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteenounces to th' pound American business dalings can be again' th'worn-out di-plomacy iv th' papal coort. Whin last heerd fr'mthis astoot an' able man, backed up be th' advice iv Elihoo Rootiv York state, was makin' his way tow'rd Manila on foot, an' siv'ralmimbers iv th' colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret thatAmerican statesmen were so thin they cudden't find anything tofit thim in his thrunk. 

"Cholera is ragin' in th' Ph'lippeens vice Gin'ral Jake Smith, raymoved. 

"Th' stock market is boomin' an' business has become so dullelsewhere that some iv th' best known outside operators ar-reobliged to increase th' depth iv th' goold coatin' on th' brickto nearly an inch. 

"Th' capital iv th' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a cityon th' north shore iv Long Island, with a popylation iv threemillyion clams, an' a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachmentsan' steel rams. There day be day th' head iv th' nation thransactsth' nation's business as follows: four A. M. , a plunge into th'salt, salt sea an' a swim iv twenty miles; five A. M. , horse-backride, th' prisidint insthructin' his two sons, aged two and fourrayspictively, to jump th' first Methodist church without knockin'off th' shingles; six A. M. , wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear;sivin A. M. , breakfast; eight A. M. , Indyan clubs; nine A. M. , boxeswith Sharkey; tin A. M. , bates th' tinnis champeen; iliven A. M. , rayceives a band iv rough riders an' person'lly supervises th'sindin' iv th' ambylance to look afther th' injured in th' village;noon, dinner with Sharkey, Oscar Featherstone, th' champeenroller-skater iv Harvard, '98, Pro-fissor McGlue, th' archyologist, Lord Dum de Dum, Mike Kehoe, Immanuel Kant Gumbo, th' naygro pote, Horrible Hank, t' bad lands scout, Sinitor Lodge, Lucy EmersonTick, th' writer on female sufferage, Mud-in-the-Eye, th' chiefiv th' Ogallas, Gin'ral Powell Clayton, th' Mexican mine expert, four rough riders with their spurs on, th' Ambassadure iv Francean' th' Cinquovasti fam'ly, jugglers. Th' conversation, we larnfr'm wan iv th' guests who's our spoortin' iditor, was jined inbe th' prisidint an' dealt with art, boxin', lithrachoor, horse-breakin', science, shootin', pollytics, how to kill a mountainline, di-plomacy, lobbing, pothry, th' pivot blow, rayform, an'th' campaign in Cubia. Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th'premises be wan iv th' rough riders, th' head iv th' nation wastachin' Lord Dum de Dum an' Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring, an' th' other guests was scattered about th' lawn, boxin', rasslin', swingin' on th' thrapeze, ridin' th' buckin' bronco an' shootin'at th' naygro pote f'r th' dhrinks--in short enjyin' an ideel dayin th' counthry. 

"An' that's all th' news, " said Mr. Dooley. "There ye ar-re jus'as if ye cud read. That's all that's happened. Ain't I a goodnewspaper? Not a dull line in me. Sind in ye'er small ads. "

"Sure, all that's no news, " said Mr. Hennessy, discontentedly. "Hasn't there annything happened? Hasn't anny wan been--beenkilt?"

"There ye ar-re, " said Mr. Dooley. "Be news ye mane misfortune. I suppose near ivry wan does. What's wan man's news is anotherman's throubles. In these hot days, I'd like to see a pa-aperwith nawthin' in it but affectionate wives an' loyal husbands an'prosp'rous, smilin' people an' money in th' bank an' three a day. That's what I'm lookin' f'r in th' hot weather. "

"Th' newspapers have got to print what happens, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"No, " said Mr. Dooley, "they've got to print what's diff'rent. Whiniver they begin to put headlines on happiness, contint, varchoo, an' charity, I'll know things is goin' as wrong with this counthryas I think they ar-re ivry naytional campaign. "

The End of the War

"Why did th' Boers quit fightin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Th' supply iv British gin'rals give out, " said Mr. Dooley. "Theywere fin'lly crushed be th' surrindher iv Gin'ral Lord Mechoon. 

"Up to that time th' British had niver gained anny importantadvantage. They'd surrindhered ninety or a hundherd thousan'private sojery, thirty or forty colonels, near all th' officersiv th' guards, th' Northumberland Fusileers over an' over again, an' Winston Churchill; they'd hurled gr-reat masses iv th' ImpeeryalYeomanry into th' prison camps iv th' Boers; they'd surrindheredrifles, an' ammunition an' pompons an' mules, but nary a Britishgin'ral among thim. Although a smaller foorce, Hinnissy, th' Boershad th' advantage iv knowin' ivry foot iv th' ground they werefightin' on. Manny iv thim had just gone there, while th' Britishhad been on th' ground f'r three years with an opporchunity tof'rget something ivry hour. Th' crafty Dutch, marchin' almost aswell be bright moonlight as in th' day time, proceedin' withoutrest f'r hours at a time, always placin' th' catridge in th' gunbefure firm', hardy, vigorous an' accustomed to th' veldt, hadeluded all attempts to hand thim th' roast beef iv Merry Englandin th' shape iv a gin'ral. 

"But whin Gin'ral, me Lord Kitchener, th' Great Coon Conqueror, wint to South Africa, like th' stern an' remorseless warryor thathe is, he detarmined to niver rest till he had desthroyed th'inimy. In less thin two years, he had evolved his sthrategy. Iwill tell ye what it was, because ye're inthrested in militaryplans. He spread his magnificent army iv gallant Britons out ina long line that sthretched clane acrost th' counthry, wan yeomandeep. Thin, accompanied be his sub-gin'rals, he moved out in th'followin' ordher. I'll dhraw it f'r ye, as I see it in th' pa-aper. Here ye ar-re:

"The band, "Gin'ral Lord Kitchener, K. C. B. , K. N. , K. L. K. , G. K. R. (with medals), "The other gin'rals, "Pianos, Pianolas, Cottage Organs, Ping Pong Sets, Tennis Bats, Bridge Scores, Cricket Stumps, War Corryspondints, "Th' Avingin' Line, "Their horses, "Their ammunition, "Their Food, and

"Their Rifles. 

"As th' dhread formation moved off in th' bright sunlight iv thatfair day in March, with th' band playin' a quick shtep an' th'colors flyin' in th' air, it was a sight to make ivry Englishmanproud iv th' fact that he had to be an Englishman. Detarminationwas written in ivry face--th' detarmination to go on at anny risktill tea time. No flinchin', no hisitation, ivry man with hishead erect an' th' feelin' in his heart that on him rested th'security iv th' impire if so. On, an' iver on they marched, fr'mSpimfontein, past th' gleamin' spires iv Wa-aberneck, till theysaw in th' distance th' long, low line iv purple light that markedth' walls iv Boobenastofein. It was thin four o'clock P. M. , an'th' column halted while th' bugles blew th' cheery call to tea. Eager hands unshipped th' marmalade an' opened th' caddies, breadwas toasted on th' small stoves carrid be ivry officer's valet, th' pickets an' scouts were dispatched f'r plum cake an' f'rgettin'f'r a moment th' thriles iv th' campaign, th' rough warryorsindulged in that repast that has done so much to make Englishmenwhat they are. At siven, havin' taken all precautions, havin'placed th' powdher in a cool runnin' brook an' tethered th' mulesto th' rifles, th' vast army slept. It was breakfast time whinth' God iv Slumber was dhriven off be th' other British God ivAppetite. Such, Hinnissy, is th' brief story iv Gin'ral Kitchener'scillybrated dhrive, as I read it in th' pa-apers. 

"To some extint it was succissful an' to some other extints not. Th' bands were good. Th' tea was fine, though some prefer Oolong. Rifles, pompons, mules, fusileers, etcethry had been lost. Butnot wan British gin'ral had been captured. Not wan. They wereall at breakfast an' th' great heart iv th' British nation wassad. Th' great heart begun to grumble, which is a way th' greatheart iv a nation has. It ast what was th' use iv this costlymanoover--if they was as manny gin'rals left afther it as befure. While in this mood, it was ilicthryfied be a piece iv startlin'intilligince. Th' whisper ran round, grew to be a murmur, increasedto a roar, mounted to a shriek that Mechoon was captured. 

"It seemed too good to be thrue. No wan cud believe it at first. But fin'lly it was officially announced in Parlymint be that hotheaded ol' pathrite, Lord Salsberry himsilf. In a voice chokedbe emotion he arose an' give three cheers. Afther which he readGin'ral Kitchener's dispatch: 'I have th' pleasure to rayport thatyisterdah at nine o'clock Lord Mechoon be a superb sthrategy hadhimsilf surrounded be an infeeryor foorce iv Boers undher Gin'ralDelaney or some such name. Our cust'mary precaution iv dhrawin'in th' pickets afther nightfall an' buryin' our rifles, which hadrepeatedly failed in th' past owin' to th' caution iv th' Boers, wurruked admirably. Gin'ral Delaney was completely taken besurprise an' befure he cud recover, Lord Mechoon had thrown himsilfaround his neck an' given him his cigreet case in token iv submission. Th' command behaved with gr-reat gallantry. In wan case, awhole comp'ny surrindhered to wan Boer. I am sindin' ricommindationsf'r th' Victorya cross be freight. Unforchunitly our casultieswere very heavy. Mesilf an' nearly all th' other gin'rals escapedcapture. But betther luck nex' time. Gin'ral Dewet is about amile fr'm here, if in Africa at all, or indeed, livin'. Gin'ralBotha is said to be in Ioway, though ye can't believe ivrythingye see in th' pa-apers. Wan or th' other may be enthrapped intokidnapin' me. In th' manetime I am plannin' right along. I sleepconstantly in clothes becomin' me station, an' th' impire may relyon me not makin' a show iv mesilf whin I am took. Ye'ers hopefully, Kitchener. '

"Th' Boers niver raycovered fr'm th' tur'ble blow. Their spiritswas crushed. Their hopes had fled. Th' kindergartens had openedan' manny iv their bravest warryors had been carried off be theirmothers. Anny moment they might be surrounded an' surrindheredto. So wan mornin' th' entire mighty army, th' whole thirty-twoiv them, histed th' white flag an' presinted their bill. "

"An' so th' war is over?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"On'y part iv it, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' part that ye see in th'pitcher pa-apers is over, but th' tax collector will continyoohis part iv th' war with relentless fury. Cav'lry charges are notth' on'y wars in a rale war. "

Newport

"About this time ivry year, " said Mr. Dooley, "I go to Newport f'rth' summer. "

"Ye go where?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"I go to Newport, " said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "in th' pa-apers. Newport's always there. I may not find annything about th' fireat th' yards or th' war in th' Ph'lippeens, but if Mrs. Rastheropens a can iv salmon or pounds th' top off an egg, it's down inblack an' white be th' fearless hands iv th' iditor. 'Tis agr-reat joy bein' lithry an' knowin' how to read. Th' air ishot in Ar-rchey Road; ye can see it. It looks an' feels likehot soup with people floatin' around in it like viggytables. Th'smoke poors fr'm th' chimbly iv th' rollin' mills an' comes rightdown on th' sthreet an' jines us. People ar-re lyin' out ivdoors with their mouths open. They'se a gr-reat dale iv choleryinfantum an' a few deleeryam thremens. If I cudden't read I'd behot about th' weather an' things. But whin th' day is darkest an'I don't want to see me best cukkin' frind, I takes me yacht at th'top iv page eight an' goes sailin' off to Newport in me shirtsleeves with twelve inches iv malt in th' hook iv me thumb, an'there I stay till I want to come back an' rest. 

"'Th' autymobill season has opened in deadly earnest. Manny newmachines is seen daily an' wan iv th' delights iv th' summer colonyis to go out iv an avenin' an' see th' farmers iv th' neighborhoodpluckin' their horses fr'm th' top branches iv threes. Th' youngerHankerbilt has atthracted much attintion be his acc'rate ridin'. Th' other day he made a scoor iv eight fr'm a runnin' start intin minyits an' this in spite iv th' fact that he was obliged tocome back to th' last wan, a Swede named Olson, an' bump him overagain. 

"'Misther Graball, th' Muskegon millionaire who got into s'cietylas' year be dyin' his hair green an' givin' a dinner at which allth' guests rayceived a lumber mill as sooveneers, has returnedsuddenly fr'm th' West an' his house party is over. '

"'Little Aigrette Vandycooker has a tooth, her elder sister amarkess, an' her mother a siparation. '

"'Misther an' Mrs. Roger Smitherson an' frind ar-re spindin' th'summer at frind's house. '

"Gin'rally we lade a life iv quite an' iligant luxury. Wud yelike a line on me daily routine? Well, in th' mornin' a littlespin in me fifty-horse power 'Suffer-little-childher, ' in th'afthernoon a whirl over th' green wathers iv th' bay in megoold-an'-ivory yacht, in th' avenin' dinner with a monkey orsomething akelly as good, at night a few leads out iv th' wronghand, some hasty wurruds an' so to bed. Such is th' spoortin'life in Rhode Island, th' home iv Roger Williams an' others notso much. It grows tiresome afther awhile. I confess to ye, Algernon Hinnissy, that befure th' monkey was inthrajooced, I wassufferin' fr'm what Hogan calls onwee, which is th' same thing asingrowin' money. I had got tired iv puttin' new storeys on mecottage an' ridin' up in th' ilivator fr'm th' settin' room onth' eighth flure to th' dinin' room on th' twinty-ninth, I didn'tcare about ayether thrap-shootin' or autymobillin', I felt likegivin' a cawrnation dinner to th' poor iv th' village an' feedin'thim me polo ponies, I didn't care whether th' champagne bar'lswas kept iced, whether th' yacht was as long as th' wan ownded beth' Ginger Snap king nex' dure, whether I had three or tin millyondollars in me pants pocket in th' mornin' or whether th' Poles inth' coal mine was sthrikin' f'r wan dollar an' forty-siven or wandollar an' forty-eight cints a day. I was tired iv ivrything. Life had me be th' throat, th' black dog was on me back. I feltlike suicide or wurruk. Thin come th' bright idee iv me youngfrind an' th' monkey saved me. He give me something to live f'r. Perhaps we too may be monkeys some day an' be amusin'. We don'ttalk half as loud or look half as foolish or get dhrunk half asquick, but give us a chanst. We're a young people an' th' monkeysis an old, old race. They've been Newportin' f'r cinchries. Surethat ol' la-ad who said man was descinded fr'm monkeys knew whathe was talkin' about. Descinded, but how far?

"Now, don't go gettin' cross about th' rich, Hinnissy. Put upthat dinnymite. Don't excite ye'ersilf about us folks in Newport. It's always been th' same way, Father Kelly tells me. Says he:'If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he getsfoolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps th' money movin'around. What comes in at th' ticker goes out at th' wine agent. F'river an' iver people have been growin' rich, goin' down to somekind iv a Newport, makin' monkeys iv thimsilves an' goin' back toth' jungle. 'Tis a steady pro-cission. Aisy come, lazy go. Inivry little hamlet in this broad land, there's some man with abroad jaw an' th' encouragement iv a good woman, makin' ready toshove some other man off his steam yacht. At this very minyitwhin I speak, me frind Jawn Grates has his eye on Hankerbilk'shouse. He wud swing a hammock in th' woodshed this year, but nex'he may have his feet up on th' bannister iv th' front stoop. Whina captain iv industhry stops dhrinkin' at th' bar, he's near hisfinish. If he ain't caught in his own person, th' constable willget to his fam'ly. Ye read about th' union iv two gr-reatfortunes. A dollar meets another dollar, they are conganial, havesim'lar tastes, an' manny mutual frinds. They are marrid an' bringup a fam'ly iv pennies, dimes, thirty-cintses an' countherfeits. An' afther awhile, th' fam'ly passes out iv circylation. That'sth' histhry iv it, ' says Father Kelly. 'An', ' says he, ' I'm gladthere is a Newport, ' he says. 'It's th' exhaust pipe, ' he says. 'Without it we might blow up, ' he says. 'It's th' hole in th' topiv th' kettle, ' he says. 'I wish it was bigger, ' he says. "

"Oh, well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "we are as th' Lord made us. "

"No, " said Mr. Dooley, "lave us be fair. Lave us take some iv th'blame oursilves. "

Arctic Exploration

"This here business iv Artic exploration's th' gran' pursoot, "said Mr. Dooley. "A gran', comfortable, fightin', quarrelin'business. "

"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why shud annywan wantto go to th' North Pole? Ain't it cold enough here?"

"I niver cud quite make it out, " said Mr. Dooley. "I've heerdtell that years ago, befure th' fire or th' war, some wan had anidee in his foolish head that they was a gran' sea up there withblue wather dimplin' in th' moonlight an' cocynut threes growin'on th' shore an' if a man cud on'y get in with his boat, he cudsail around th' wurruld an' fetch up in Chiny. That idee blew upan' thin some wan said 'twud be a fine thing f'r science if a whiteman cud get to th' North Pole. What he'd do if he got there nowan has anny thought. Accordin' to what I hear, th' North Poleain't like a tillygraft pole, a barber pole, a fishin' pole, aclothes pole, a poll-tax, a Maypole, a Russhyan Pole, or annythingthat ye can see, smell or ate. Whin ye get to it, it is no diff'rentfr'm bein' annywhere on th' ice. Th' on'y way ye know ye're thereis be consultin' a pocket arithmetic, a watch an' a compass. Don'tget it into ye'er head that if me frind Baldwin or Peary iver wintnorth iv Milwaukee an' come acrost th' North Pole they'd carvetheir names on it or hist a flag over it or bring it home withthim on a thruck an' set it up on th' lake front. Th' north poleis a gigantic column iv cold air, some says hot, an' an enthusyasticexplorer that wasn't lookin' where he wint might pass right throughit without knowin'. 

"In th' arly days whin an explorer wint off to find th' Pole, hebought himsilf a sheepskin coat, a couple iv dogs, a pair iv skates, an' a bottle iv pickled onions an' set out bravely, an' th' peoplewatched th' fam'ly to see what other form th' lunacy wud take. Afther awhile he ayether come back or he didn't. Sometimes th'Esqueemo lady didn't care to lave her pleasant home in th' landiv perpetchool blubber an' in that case th' hardy mariner remainedin th' frozen north. I niver cud see th' advantages iv life inth' Artic regions. 'Tis thrue th' nights is six months long an'sleep is wan iv th' spoorts that age hasn't deprived me iv. Itmus' be a gr-reat counthry f'r burglars. But f'r a plain wurrukin'man it's very thryin'. Think iv a six months' wurrukin' day. Yeget ye'er breakfast at sun-up in March an' ye don't set down todinner till th' first iv June. Thin comes a long afthernoon an'I tell ye whin th' whistle blows at six o'clock October, it's awelcome sound it sinds to ye'er ears. Ye go home an' all th'childher has growed up an' th' news in th' mornin' pa-per is sixmonths' old. Ye lie around readin' an' playin' cards f'r a monthor two an' thin ye yawn an' set th' alarm clock f'r March an' says:'Mah, it's th' fifteenth iv Novimber an' time th' childher wasabed, ' an' go to sleep. About Christmas th' good woman wakes yeup to look f'r th' burglar an' afther ye've paddled around in th'ice floe f'r a week, ye climb back into bed grumblin' an' go tosleep again. Afther awhile ye snore an' th' wife iv ye'er bosompunches ye. 'What time is it?' says ye. 'It's a quarther pastth' fifteenth iv Janooary, ' says she, 'an' that siren iv ye'ershas been goin' since New Year's day. ' At March ye ar-re arousedbe th' alarm clock an' ye go out to feed th' seals an' I tell ye, ye need a shave. It mus' be a quare sinsation to wake up in th'mornin' an' find that th' kid ye tucked into bed th' night befurehas grown side-whiskers in his sleep an' his feet has pushed outth' foot iv th' cradle. Not f'r my money, Hinnissy. Th' Articregions f'r thim that likes thim but give me a land where ye don'ttell th' time iv day be th' almynac. 

"But other people is diff'rent. Th' boldest Artic explorer is aman that's made his money out iv sellin' base-burnin' stoves an'has chillblains in July. Such a man is niver continted till he'sstarted somebody off f'r th' northest north. An' he has no throubleto find a man. Nex' to bein' invited on a private yacht to sailin th' Middyteranyan, th' nicest thing a millyonaire can do f'rye is to make an Artic explorer iv ye. Th' prelim'naries is greatspoort. F'r two years ye go round th' counthry letchrin' on 'WhatI will see in th' Artic regions whin I get there if at all. ' Fin'llyye set off with th' fleet, consistin' iv a ship f'r ye'ersilf, three f'r th' provisions, two f'r th' clothes an' wan f'r th'diaries. They'se also a convoy. Th' business iv th' convoy isto dhrop in at Thromsoe in Norway an' ast f'r news iv ye. Thromsoeis wan iv th' farthest north places that anny explorer has been. But it well repays a visit, bein' a thrivin', bustlin' Swede citywith a good club. Afther th' long sthruggle with th' pitiliss icemachine it is very pleasant to dhrop in on this hospital communityan' come back that night be thrain. Well, as I was sayin', wanexplorer starts off in a fur suit an' has th' time iv his life an'th' other explorer stays at home an' suffers th' crool hardshipsan' bitther disapp'intments iv life in Brooklyn. Lashed to hisrockin' chair, he shivers ivry time th' wind blows an' he thinksiv his hardy partner facin' th' purls iv that far-off region ivice an' snow an' funny little Esqueemo women in union garments ivfur. 'He's in Greenland now; he's battlin' with th' deadly icefloe; now he's rasslin' with a Polar bear; he's up; he's away;he's reached th' Pole; he's pullin' it up be th' roots; bravoBaldy!' An' so he goes till his hands is all chapped fr'm thinkin'iv th' cold an' his leg is lame fr'm th' encounther with a Polarbear an' his rockin' chair is in danger iv bein' dashed to piecesagain' th' threacherous pianny. An' wan day a message comes fr'mth' other explorer: 'Rio Janeiro. We have rayturned, baffled butnot defeated. Th' pickled walnuts give out befure we reached th'West Indies. As far as we've gone we've had excellent raysults. Th' cap'n, th' mate, th' cook, th' stewart an' eighty per cint ivth' crew is in ir'ns an' as soon as I've got this tillygram offI'm goin' in to punch th' surgeon. I congratylate ye. Ye'er namewill stand high among th' binnyfactors iv science. We havedemonsthrated beyond fear iv conthrydiction that th' gulf sthreamis jus' where it was an' that volcanoes ain't what they are crackedup to be. Our motto is: "Niver give up th' ship. It's toocomfortable. " Who's ye'er banker here?' Whin th' millyionaire diesiv exposure, a victim to science, th' mariner rayturns an' letcherson th' subject: 'Quarrels I have had in th' frozen north. ' Talkabout th' terrors, iv Artic exploration, Hinnissy! There's whereye get thim. Did ye iver go to an Artic exploration letcher? Idid wanst. They was wan down at th' brothers' school las' winther. I've been lame iver since. 

"None iv it in mine, if ye plaze. It's too hot wurrik in thimclothes. An' aven if ye get up near th' pole, what's it good f'r?Th' climate is disagreeable, an' th' s'ciety is monotonous. Ivrybody dhresses alike. Th' wan tailor makes th' clothes f'rpah, mah, Lucille an' th' Polar bear out iv th' same patthern. If ye go to coort a girl, ye don't know befure she speaks whether'tis hersilf or her Uncle Mike. I heerd iv an Artic explorer wanstthat held hands with a Swede sicond mate f'r over an hour befurehe ralized his mistake. 

"No, sir, no Artic explorations f'r me, ayether pers'nally or becheck. But if I did go into it, I know who I'd sind. I'd notfool around with people who begin to cough within sight iv th' carbarns. I'd utilize th' folks in th' neighborhood. I'd pathronizehome industhries. Th' Pole f'r th' polars, says I. They mus' behundherds iv la-ads up in that part iv th' wurruld that'd bewillin' to earn an honest dollar be discoverin' th' pole. Withthim 'twud be like ye goin' down to explore th' stock yards. Ibet manny iv thim knows th' pole as well as I know Haley's slough. Ye'd prob'ly find they've hung their washin' on it f'r years an'manny iv th' kids has shinned up it. "

"Who'd ye sind?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Esqueemos, " said Mr. Dooley. 

Machinery

Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper. 

"'We live, ' he says, 'in an age iv wondhers. Niver befure in th'histhry iv th' wurruld has such progress been made. '

"Thrue wurruds an' often spoken. Even in me time things haschanged. Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean hiselbows on th' highest buildin' in this town. It took two monthsto come here fr'm Pittsburg on a limited raft an' a stage coachthat run fr'm La Salle to Mrs. Murphy's hotel. They wasn't annytillygraft that I can raymimber an' th' sthreet car was pulled bea mule an' dhruv be an engineer be th' name iv Mulligan. We thoughtwe was a pro-grissive people. Ye bet we did. But look at ustoday. I go be Casey's house tonight an' there it is a finestorey-an'-a-half frame house with Casey settin' on th' dure shtepdhrinkin' out iv a pail. I go be Casey's house to-morrah an'it's a hole in th' groun'. I rayturn to Casey's house on Thursdahan' it's a fifty-eight storey buildin' with a morgedge onto it an'they're thinkin' iv takin' it down an' replacin' it with a modhrensthructure. Th' shoes that Corrigan th' cobbler wanst wurrukedon f'r a week, hammerin' away like a woodpecker, is now tossed outbe th' dozens fr'm th' mouth iv a masheen. A cow goes lowin'softly in to Armours an' comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer, celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin' sody, soap, lithrachoor an' hed springs so quick that while aft she'sstill cow, for'ard she may be annything fr'm huttons to Pannymahats. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but Idon't have to, thank th' Lord. Thirty years ago we thought 'twasmarvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an' get ananswer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answerbefure ye sind th' tillygram if they ain't careful. Me friendMacroni has done that. Be manes iv his wondher iv science a manon a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, ifhe has a confid'rate on board. That's all he needs. Be mechanicalscience an' thrust in th' op'rator annywan can set on th' shoreiv Noofoundland an' chat with a frind in th' County Kerry. 

"Yes, sir, mechanical science has made gr-reat sthrides. Whin Iwas a young man we used to think Hor'ce Greeley was th' gr-reatestlivin' American. He was a gran' man, a gran' man with feathersbeneath his chin an' specs on his nose like th' windows in a diver'shemlet. His pollyticks an' mine cudden't live in th' same neighborhoodbut he was a gran' man all th' same. We used to take th' ClevelandPlain Daler in thim days f'r raycreation an' th' New York Thrybunef'r exercise. 'Twas considhered a test iv a good natured dimmycratif he cud read an article in th' Thrybune without havin' to do th'stations iv th' cross aftherward f'r what he said. I almost didwanst but they was a line at th' end about a frind iv mine be th'name iv Andhrew Jackson an' I wint out an' broke up a Methodistprayer meetin'. He was th' boy that cud put it to ye so that ifye voted th' dimmycrat tickit it was jus' th' same as demandin'a place in purgytory. Th' farmers wud plant annything fr'm aruty baga to a congressman on his advice. He niver had money enoughto buy a hat but he cud go to th' sicrety iv th' threasury an'tell him who's pitcher to put on th' useful valentines we thradef'r groceries. 

"But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive today where'd he be? Settin' onthree inches iv th' edge iv a chair in th' outside office iv mefrind Pierpont Morgan waitin' f'r his turn. In th' line is th'Imp'ror iv Germany, th' new cook, th' prisidint iv a railroad, th'cap'n iv th' yacht, Rimbrandt th' painther, Jawn W. Grates, an'Hor'ce. Afther awhile th' boy at th' dure says: 'Ye're next, ol'party. Shtep lively f'r th' boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginysawed off on him this mornin' an' he mustn't he kep' waitin'. ' An'th' iditor goes in. 'Who ar-re ye?' says th' gr-reat man, givin' him wan iv thim piercin' looks that whin a man gets it hehas to be sewed up at wanst. 'I'm ye'er iditor, ' says Hor'ce. 'What's ye'er spishilty?' 'Tahriff an' th' improvemint iv th'wurruld, ' says Hor'ce. 'See Perkins, ' says Pierpont, an' th'intherview is over. Now what's made th' change? Mechanical Science, Hinnissy. Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets withinth' reach iv all. Hince Charlie Schwab. 

"What's it done f'r th' wurruld? says ye. It's done ivrything. It's give us fast ships an' an autymatic hist f'r th' hod, an'small flats an' a taste iv solder in th' peaches. If annybodysays th' wurruld ain't betther off thin it was, tell him that amasheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum. Ifhe asts ye why they ain't anny Shakesperes today, say: 'No, butwe no longer make sausages he hand. '

"'Tis pro-gress. We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an' I thankth' Lord I've seen most iv it. Man an' boy I've lived pretty nearthrough this wondherful age. If I was proud I cud say I seen morethin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to. An' here I am, I'll notsay how old, still pushin' th' malt acrost th' counther at methirsty counthrymen. All around me is th' refinemints iv mechanicaljanius. Instead iv broachin' th' beer kag with a club an' dhrawin'th' beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I havethat wondher iv invintive science th' beer pump. I cheat mesilfwith a cash raygisther. I cut off th' end iv me good cigar withan injanyous device an' pull th' cork out iv a bottle with aconthrivance that wud've made that frind that Hogan boasts about, that ol' boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th' house. Science has been a gr-reat blessin' to me. But amidst all thesegranjoors here am I th' same ol' antiquated combination iv bellowsan' pump I always was. Not so good. Time has worn me out. Th'years like little boys with jackknives has carved their names inme top. Ivry day I have to write off something f'r deprecyation. 'Tis about time f'r whoiver owns me to wurruk me off on a thrust. Mechanical science has done ivrything f'r me but help me. I supposeI ought to feel supeeryor to me father. He niver see a high buildin'but he didn't want to. He cudden't come here in five days but hewas a wise man an' if he cud've come in three he'd have stayedin th' County Roscommon. 

"Th' pa-apers tells me that midical science has kept pace withth' hop-skip-an'-a-jump iv mechanical inginooty. Th' doctors hasfound th' mickrobe iv ivrything fr'm lumbago to love an' fr'mjandice to jealousy, but if a brick bounces on me head I'm cratedup th' same as iv yore an' put away. Rockyfellar can make a piannyout iv a bar'l iv crude ile, but no wan has been able to make ablade iv hair grow on Rockyfellar. They was a doctor over inFrance that discovered a kind iv a thing that if 'twas pumped intoye wud make ye live till people got so tired iv seein' ye aroundthey cud scream. He died th' nex' year iv premachure ol' age. They was another doctor cud insure whether th' flex' wan wud be aboy or a girl. All ye had to do was to decide wud it be Arthuror Ethel an' lave him know. He left a fam'ly iv unmarredgeabledaughters. 

"I sometimes wondher whether pro-gress is anny more thin a kindiv a shift. It's like a merry-go-round. We get up on a speckledwooden horse an' th' mechanical pianny plays a chune an' away wego, hollerin'. We think we're thravellin' like th' divvle but th'man that doesn't care about merry-go-rounds knows that we willcome back where we were. We get out dizzy an' sick an' lay on th'grass an' gasp: 'Where am I? Is this th' meelin-yum?' An' he says:'No, 'tis Ar-rchey Road. ' Father Kelly says th' Agyptians donethings we cudden't do an' th' Romans put up sky-scrapers an' aventh' Chinks had tillyphones an' phony-grafts. 

"I've been up to th' top iv th' very highest buildin' in town, Hinnissy, an' I wasn't anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th'sthreet. Th' stars was as far away as iver. An' down beneath isa lot iv us runnin' an' lapin' an' jumpin' about, pushin' each otherover, haulin' little sthrips iv ir'n to pile up in little buildin'sthat ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th' sky; wurrukin' nightan' day to make a masheen that'll carry us fr'm wan jack-rabbitcolony to another an' yellin', 'Pro-gress! 'Pro-gress, oho! I cansee th' stars winkin' at each other an' sayin': 'Ain't they funny!Don't they think they're playin' hell!'

"No, sir, masheens ain't done much f'r man. I can't get up annykind iv fam'ly inthrest f'r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist. I want to see sky-scrapin' men. But I won't. We're about th'same hight as we always was, th' same hight an' build, composediv th' same inflammable an' perishyable mateeryal, an exthrahazardous risk, unimproved an' li'ble to collapse. We do makepro-gress but it's th' same kind Julyus Caesar made an' ivry wanhas made befure or since an' in this age iv masheenery we're stillburrid be hand. "

"What d'ye think iv th' man down in Pinnsylvanya who says th' Lordan' him is partners in a coal mine?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who wantedto change the subject. 

"Has he divided th' profits?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

Swearing

Did ye see what th' prisidint said to th' throlley man that bumpedhim?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"I did not, " said Mr. Hennessy. "What was it?"

"I can't tell ye till I get mad, " said Mr. Dooley. "Lave us gointo ixicutive sission. Whisper. That was it. Ha, ha. He giveit to him sthraight. A good, honest, American blankety-blank. Rale language like father used to make whin he hit his thumb withth' hammer. No 'With ye'er lave' or 'By ye'er lave, ' but a dacint'Damn ye, sir, ' an' a little more f'r th' sake iv imphasis. 

"What else wud ye have him do? 'Twas nayether th' time nor th'occasion, as th' candydate said whin they ast him where he got hismoney, 'twas nayether th' time nor th' occasion f'r wurruds thatwud be well rayceived at Chatauqua. A throlley car had pushed himan' diplomatic relations was suspinded. He was up on top iv abus, hurryin' fr'm speech to speech an' thinkin' what to say next. 'Th' thrusts, ' says he to himsilf, ' are heejous monsthers builtup be th' inlightened intherprise iv th' men that have done somuch to advance pro-gress in our beloved counthry, ' he says. 'Onwan hand I wud stamp thim undher fut; on th' other hand not sofast. What I want more thin th' bustin' iv th' thrusts is to seeme fellow counthrymen happy an' continted. I wudden't have thimhate th' thrusts. Th' haggard face, th' droopin' eye, th' pallidcomplexion that marks th' inimy iv thrusts is not to me taste. Lave us be merry about it an' jovial an' affectionate. Lave uslaugh an' sing th' octopus out iv existence. Betther blue butsmilin' lips anny time thin a full coal scuttle an' a sour heart. As Hogan says, a happy peasanthry is th' hope iv th' state. Solave us warble ti-lire-a-lay--' Jus' thin Euclid AristophanesMadden on th' quarther deck iv th' throlley car give a twisht tohis brake an' th' chief ixicutive iv th' nation wint up in th' airwith th' song on his lips. He wint up forty, some say, fifty feet. Sicrety Cortilloo says three hundherd an' fifty. Annyhow whin hecome down he landed nachrally on his feet. 

"Now, Hinnissy, no matther what a man may've been wan minyit befurehe was hit be a throlley car, a minyit afther he's on'y a man. Th' throlley car plays no fav'rites. It bounces th' high an' th'low alike. It tears th' exalted fr'm their throne an' ilivatesth' lowly. So whin th' prisidint got back to the earth he wasn'tprisidint anny longer but Tiddy Rosenfelt, 180 pounds iv a man. An' he done accordin'ly. If it'd been Willum Jennings Bryan, he'd've ast th' throlley engineer was he a mimber iv th' Union. If he cud show a wurrukin' card he was entitled to bump anny wan. At worst Willum Jennings Bryan wud've written an article abouthim in th' Commoner, or if he felt unusually vindicative, maybehe'd sind it to him through th' mails. Whin Sicrety Cortilloocome to fr'm a dhream that he'd jus' rayfused a favor to SinitorTillman, he hauled out a little note book an' got ready to takedown something that cud be put on th' thransparencies two yearsfr'm now--something like--'No power on earth can stop Americanbusiness entherprise. ' But nawthin' that will iver be printed inth' first reader dhropped fr'm th' lips iv th' chief exicutive. With two jumps he was in th' throlley man's hair an' spoke asfollows--No, I won't say it again. But I'll tell ye this much, abarn-boss that was standin' by an' heerd it, said he niver befureregretted his father hadn't sint him to Harvard. 

"We know what Wash'nton said to his gin'rals an' what Grant saidto Lee an' what Cleveland said to himsilf. They're in th' books. But engraved in th' hearth iv his counthrymen is what Rosenfeltsaid to th' throlley man. 'Twas good because 'twas so nachral. Most iv th' sayin's I've read in books sounds as though they wasmade be a patent inkybator. They go with a high hat an' a whitetie. Ye can hear th' noise iv th' phonygraft. But this here jimof emotion an' thought come sthraight fr'm th' heart an' wint rightto th' heart. That's wan reason I think a lot iv us likes TiddyRosenfelt that wudden't iver be suspicted iv votin' f'r him. Whinhe does anny talkin'--which he sometimes does--he talks at th' manin front iv him. Ye don't hear him hollerin' at posterity. Posterity don't begin to vote till afther th' polls close. So whinhe wished to convey to th' throlley man th' sintimints iv his bosom, he done it in wurruds suited to th' crisis, as Hogan wud say. Theydo say his remarks singed th' hair off th' head iv th' unforchnitman. 

"I don't believe in profanity, Hinnissy--not as a reg'lar thing. But it has its uses an' its place. F'r instance, it is issintialto some thrades. No man can be a printer without swearin'. 'Tisimpossible. I mind wanst I wint to a printin' office where a frindiv mine be th' name iv Donovan held cases an' I heerd th' foremansay: 'What gintleman is setting A thirty?' he says. 'I am, ' saysa pale aristocrat with black whiskers who was atin' tobacco in th'rear iv th' room. 'Thin, ' says th' foreman, 'ye blankety-blankblacksmith, get a move on ye. D'ye think this is a annyooalincyclopejee?' he says. Ivrybody swore at ivrybody else. Th'little boys runnin' around with type prattled innocent pro-fanityan' afther awhile th' iditor come in an' he swore more thin annybodyelse. But 'twas aisy to see he'd not lamed th' thrade iv printer. He swore with th' enthusyasm an' inacc'racy iv an amachoor, thoughI mus' say, he had his good pints. I wisht I cud raymimber whatit was he called th' Czar iv Rooshya f'r dyin' jus' as th' pa-aperwas goin' to press. I cud've often used it since. But it's slippedme mind. 

"Swearin' belongs to some thrades, --like printin', bricklayin' an'plumbin'. It is no help at all, at all to tailors, shoemakers, hair-dressers, dintists or authors. A surgeon needs it but adoctor niver. It is a great help in unloadin' a ship an' sailormen always swear--th' cap'n an' mate whin wurruk is goin' on an'th' men befure th' mast at meals. Sojers mus' swear. They'se noway out iv it. It's as much th' equipment iv a sojer as catridges. In vigorous spoort it is niciss'ry but niver at checkers or chessan' sildom at dominoes. Cowboys are compelled to use it. No wancud rope a cow or cinch a pony without swearin'. A sthrick bringin'up is th' same as havin' a wooden leg on th' plains. Profanityshud be used sparingly if at all on childher--especially girls--an'sildom on women, though I've knowed an occasional domestic: 'Damnye'er eyes' to wurruk wondhers in reg-latin' a fam'ly. Women can'tswear. They have th' feelin' but not th' means. Westhern menswear betther thin Eastern men though I mus' say th' mos' lib'ralswearers I iver knew come fr'm Boston. 

"But it don't do to use pro-fanity th' way ye wud ordin'ry wurruds. No, sir. Ye've got to save it up an' invist it at th' right timeor get nawthin' fr'm it. It's betther thin a doctor f'r a stubbedtoe but it niver cured a broken leg. It's a kind iv a first aidto th' injured. It seems to deaden th' pain. Women an' childhercry or faint whin they're hurt. That's because they haven't th'gift iv swearin'. But as I tell ye, they'se no good wastin' it. Th' man that swears at ivrything has nawthin' to say when ralethroubles come. I hate to hear annywan spillin' out th' valyablewurruds that he ought to save to be used whin th' shtove-pipe comesdown. Not that it shocks me. I'm a dimmycrat. But I know th'foolish man is hurtin' himsilf. Put a little pro-fanity by f'rrainy days, says I. Ye won't miss it an' at th' end iv th' yearwhin ye renew ye'er lease ye'll be surprised to find out how muchye have on hand. But if ye hurl it broadcast, if ivry time yeopen ye'er mouth a hot wan lapes out, th' time will come whin ye'llwant to say something scorchin' an' ye'll have nawthin' to saythat ye haven't said f'r fun. I'd as soon think iv swearin' f'rpleasure as iv lindin' money f'r pleasure. They ain't too muchpro-fanity in th' wurruld. A good dale iv it has been used upsince th' coal sthrike begun. Th' govermint ought to presarve itan' prevint annywan fr'm swearin' more thin was niciss'ry f'r tosupport life. 

"I niver knew Father Kelly to swear but wanst. 'Twas a littlewan, Hinnissy. Dhropped fr'm th' lips iv a polisman it wud'vesounded like a 'thank ye kindly. ' But, be Hivins, whin I heerd itI thought th' roof wud fall down on th' head iv Scanlan that hewas thryin' to show th' evil iv his ways. Melia Murdher, but itwas gran'! They was more varchue in that wan damn thin in a fastin'prayer. Scanlan wint to wurruk th' nex' day an' he hasn't tasteda dhrop since. 

"But th' best thing about a little judicyous swearin' is that itkeeps th' temper. 'Twas intinded as a compromise between runnin'away an' fightin'. Befure it was invinted they was on'y th' twoways out iv an argymint. "

"But I've heerd ye say a man was swearin' mad, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"He wasn't fightin' mad, thin, " said Mr. Dooley. 

The War Game

What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff, " said Mr. Dooley. "It's athrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy. Bemanes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston aftherdark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common. Yean' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy. We know how manny people are inth' sthreets afther dark. But th' navy don't know an' th' armydon't know. Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe upth' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'rtheir mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' hisbreakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps ivth' State House iv Matsachoosetts. But it's a gran' game. I'dlike to play it mesilf. It's as noisy as forty-fives betweenConnock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher. If waran' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste, be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an'me clothes stained with English breakfast tea. 

"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navyto divastate th' New England coast. On th' other hand, th' businessiv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tagit befure it cud get its fingers crost. To play th' game well, th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' armymust pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin theyare both on the same side. Frindship ceases whin they set in. 

"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th'money as I am. I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' Ican't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries ivConneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thimup in th' harbor iv New London. 'I have th' honor to rayport, 'says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th'forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout withgr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th'Commander iv th' lan' foorces--a brave man but no match f'r ye'ersthruly. His las' wurruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" Irayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between twobrave men there can be no hard feelin's. " Th' battle in which megallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos'successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry. I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declarationiv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough. Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoormore thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbedto th' inivitable. I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ralMcArthur whin he wasn't lookin'. Befure he cud load his guns, wepoored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him. He made a spirited reply but t'was useless. We outfought him benearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher. In th' mist ivth' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on topiv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces. "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur, "says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intintsan' purposes. I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who, findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, calledout: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship. I'm full iv marmylade. "Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an'hospitality iv our men. To-night we completed our wurruk be givin'a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship. Among those presint was--'an' so on. 

"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th'akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport thatmesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't, mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noonto-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, ascivilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scoutsthat th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorgor Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question. An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paperan' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was abouttwo blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "BlooDanoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. Onsuch occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyonwud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids. 'Twassix o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jootiesiv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage. At highnoon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-fivethousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him. His guns waschoked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, butwhin he did, th' scene was thruly awful. Th' sky was blackenedbe th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cottonwaste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction. A breeze fr'm shorecarried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers. Attwelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson--an' a goodfellow Caleb is at that--on th' roof iv his boat. "Hi-spy, " sayshe. "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother, " says I. "I've had me eye on yef'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses, "I says. An' he fell off th' roof. I was sorry to take his lifebut war knows no mercy. He was a brave man but foolhardy. Heought niver to've gone again' me. He might've licked Cervera buthe cudden't lick me. We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyedmost iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-ship f'r arun-about. Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleeplessarmy. I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th'prisintation soord. "

"There it is, Hinnissy. Who won? I don't know. I can't tell atthis minyit whether I ought to be undher th' bed larnin' Germanf'r th' time whin a Prooshyan sojer'll poke me out with his saber, or down at Finucane's hall callin' a meetin' to thank th' defindersiv th' fireside. Nobody knows. It's a quare game, f'r they tellme afther th' battles has been fought an' th' kilt has gone backto holeystonin' th' deck an' th' smoke fr'm th' chafin' dish hascleared away, th' decision is up to a good figurer at Wash'nton. It depinds on him whether we ar-re a free people or whether wewear th' yoke iv sarvichood an' bad German hats f'r all time. He's th' officyal scoorer an' what Higginson thinks was a basehit, he calls a foul an' what McArthur calls an accipted chanstis an error. Afther th' gallant lads in blue an' gold has gotthrough, a wathry-eyed clerk named Perkins H. Something-or-other, sets down an' figures out th' victhry. Th' man behind th' fountainpen is th' boy. It's up to him whether th' stars an' sthripesstill floats over an onconquered people or whether five pfennigsis th' price iv a dhrink in New York. He sets on his high stoolan' says he: 'Five times eight is twinty-nine, subthract threef'r th' duchess, a quarther to one o'clock an' eighty miles fr'mNarragansett pier is two-an'-a-half, plus th' load-wather-line ivth' saloon companionway, akel to two-fifths iv th' differentyaltangent. Huroo! Misther Sicrety, ye can go home an' tell ye'erwife th' counthry's safe. ' He has to be a smart man. A goodbook-keeper, as th' pote says, is th' counthry's on'y safety. Hemus' be careful, too, d'ye mind. Th' honor iv th' army an' thenavy is at stake. Wan or th' other iv thim has been careless. "

"D'ye think a foreign fleet cud capture this counthry?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Not onless it was op'rated be a throlley, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Supposin' ye an' I had throuble, Hinnissy, an' both iv us wasarmed with bricks an' ye was on roller skates an' I was on th' topiv a house, how much chanst wud ye have again' me? Ships is goodto fight other ships. That's all. I'd sooner be behind a bankiv mud thin in th' finest ship in th' wurruld. A furrin inimythryin' to get up to New York wud be like a blind burglar attimptin'to walk on th' top iv a hot-house with all th' neighbors an' th'neighbors' dogs waitin' f'r him. Th' war game is all right. Itdon't do anny harm. But it's like punchin' th' bag an' I'd jus'as soon thrain a man f'r a fight be larnin' him to play th' mandolin, as be insthructin' him in bag punchin'. It's a fine game. I don'tknow who won, but I know who lost. "

"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Th' threeasury, " said Mr. Dooley. 

Newspaper Publicity

"Was ye iver in th' pa-apers?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"Wanst, " said Mr. Hennessy. "But it wasn't me. It was anotherHinnissy. Was you?"

"Manny times, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was prom'nent socyally, ye cud hardly pick up a pa-aper without seein' me name in it an'th' amount iv th' fine. Ye must lade a very simple life. Th'newspaper is watchin' most iv us fr'm th' cradle to th' grave, an'befure an' afther. Whin I was a la-ad thrippin' continted overth' bogs iv Roscommon, ne'er an iditor knew iv me existence, norI iv his. Whin annything was wrote about a man 'twas put thisway: 'We undhershtand on good authority that M--l--chi H---y, Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G----n on an accusation ivl--c--ny. But we don't think it's true. ' Nowadays th' larceny isdiscovered be a newspa-aper. Th' lead pipe is dug up in ye'erback yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helpedye bury it. A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' yeanswer in ye'er nighty. 'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye, 'says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat. 'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry. 'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth, ' says he. 'Phottygrafter, do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th'newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign;ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chiefan' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatalthrapper iv th' fam'ly journal. 

"Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorcean' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward. They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explainingth' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit. Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'ritenewspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else. What th' Czar whisperedto th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silkhat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, whoto marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, whatto feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim asdirected, --all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers. 

"They used to say a man's life was a closed book. So it is butit's an open newspaper. Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure yebegin to take notice. Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' overth' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writesabout it has a wink in it. 'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rableMalachi Hinnissy, ' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th'dhrink with th' doctor. An' afther that th' histhry iv th'offspring's life is found in th' press:

"'It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th' Hinnissyfam'ly over namin' th' lates' sign. Misther Hinnissy wishes itcalled Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an' Mrs. Hinnissyis in favor iv namin' it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seenwan day. Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f'rth' bes' name f'r this projeny. Maiden ladies will limit theirletters to three hundherd wurruds. '

"'Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinnissy, takenon his sicond birthday with his nurse, Miss Angybel Blim, th'well-known specyal nurse iv th' Avenin' Fluff. At th' time th'phottygraft was taken, th' infant was about to bite Miss Blim whichaccounts f'r th' agynized exprission on that gifted writer's face. Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv four dollars to th' best answerto th' question: "What does th' baby think iv Miss Blim?"'

"'Young Alf Hinnissy was siven years ol' yisterdah. A rayportheriv th' Fluff sought him out an' indeavored to intherview him onth' Nicaragooan Canal, th' Roomanyan Jews, th' tahriff an' th'thrusts. Th' comin' statesman rayfused to be dhrawn on thesequestions, his answer bein' a ready, "Go chase ye'ersilf, ye bigstiff!" Afther a daylightful convarsation th' rayporther left, bein' followed to th' gate be his janial young host who hit himsmartly in th' back with a brick. He is a chip iv th' ol' block. '

"'Groton, Conn. , April 8. Ye'er rayporther was privileged to seeth' oldest son iv th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy started at thissiminary f'r th' idjacation iv young Englishmen bor-rn in America. Th' heir iv th' Hinnissys was enthered at th' exclusive schoolthirty years befure he was bor-rn. Owin' to th' uncertainty ivhis ancesthors he was also enthered at Vassar. Th' young fellowtook a lively intherest in th' school. Th' above phottygraftriprisints him mathriculatin'. Th' figures at th' foot ar-reMisther an' Mrs. Hinnissy. Those at th' head ar-re ProfissorPeabody Plantagenet, prisident iv th' instichoochion an' OfficerMichael H. Rafferty. Young Hinnissy will remain here till he hasa good cukkin' idjacation. '

"'Exthry Red Speshul Midnight Edition. Mumps! Mumps! Mumps! Th'heir iv th' Hinnissy's sthricken with th' turr'ble scoorge. Panicon th' stock exchange. Bereaved father starts f'r th' plague spotto see his afflicted son. Phottygrafts iv Young Hinnissy at wan, two, three, eight an' tin. Phottygrafts iv th' house where hisfather was born, his mother, his aunt, his uncle, ProfissorPlantagenet, Groton School, th' gov'nor iv Connecticut, ChansyDepoo, statue iv Liberty, Thomas Jefferson, Niagara Falls bemoonlight. Diagram iv jaw an' head showin' th' prob'ble coorseiv the Mumpococeus. Intherviews with J. Pierpont Morgan, TerryMcGovern, Mary MeLain, Jawn Mitchell, Lyman J. Gage, th' Princeiv Wales, Sinitor Bivridge, th' Earl iv Roslyn, an' Chief Divryon Mumps. We offer a prize iv thirty million dollars in advertisin'space f'r a cure f'r th' mumps that will save th' nation's pride. Later, it's croup. '

"An' so it goes. We march through life an' behind us marches th'phottygrafter an' th' rayporther. There are no such things asprivate citizens. No matther how private a man may be, no mattherhow secretly he steals, some day his pitcher will be in th' pa-aperalong with Mark Hanna, Stamboul 2:01 1/2, Fitzsimmons' fightin'face, an' Douglas, Douglas, Tin dollar shoe. He can't get awayfr'm it. An' I'll say this f'r him, he don't want to. He wantsto see what bad th' neighbors are doin' an' he wants thim to seewhat good he's doin'. He gets fifty per cint iv his wish; nivermore. A man keeps his front window shade up so th' pa-apers cancome along an' make a pitcher iv him settin' in his iligant furnishedparlor readin' th' life iv Dwight L. Moody to his fam'ly. An'th' lad with th' phottygraft happens along at th' moment whin heis batin' his wife. If we wasn't so anxious to see our names amongthose prisint at th' ball, we wudden't get into th' pa-apers sooften as among those that ought to be prisint in th' dock. A mantakes his phottygraft to th' iditor an' says he: 'Me attintion hasbeen called to th' fact that ye'd like to print this mug iv aprom'nent philanthropist;' an' th' iditor don't use it till he'srobbed a bank. Ivrybody is inthrested in what ivrybody else isdoin' that's wrong. That's what makes th' newspapers. An' asthis is a dimmycratic counthry where ivrybody was bor-rn akelto ivrybody else, aven if they soon outgrow it, an' where wan man'sas good as another an' as bad, all iv us has a good chanst to havehis name get in at laste wanst a year. 

"Some goes in at Mrs. Rasther's dinner an' some as victims iv athrolley car, but ivrybody lands at last. They'll get ye aftherawhile, Hinnissy. They'll print ye'er pitcher. But on'y wanst. A newspaper is to intertain, not to teach a moral lesson. "

"D'ye think people likes th' newspapers iv th' prisint time?" askedMr. Hennessy. 

"D'ye think they're printed f'r fun?" said Mr. Dooley. 

Adventure

"What a life iv advinture I have led, to be sure. I've niver beenstill a minyit since I cud see an' hear--always on th' go, performin'heeroyc actions on land an' sea. Between th' ages iv eight an'fifteen I bet ye I caught more runaway teams thin all th' parkpolismen in th' wurruld. I begun with stoppin' th' horses iv aman called Monahan that owned a canal boat an' askin' as a rewardthat he give me a job dhrivin' th' mule. But I rose rapidly inth' wurruld, an' befure I was fifteen I was dashin' out nearlyivry hour an' nailin' a team iv maddened animals in th' bullyvardan' savin' th' life iv th' pet daughther iv a millyonaire. Sheusully accepted me young hand in marredge in th' dhrug store. Butsometimes whin I needed a top or a kite I took money. I'm ashamedto con-fiss it, but I did. Iv coorse I rayfused th' first offeriv th' pluthycrat. Whin he thried to crowd wan millyon dollar onme, I give him a look iv scorn an' moved away. He was tur-rblyashamed iv his onmanly action an' followed me up an' be sharpschamin' managed to get two millyons to me in a way that I cuddn'tresint. I think it come in th' shape iv an advance payment on th'dowry. 

"At fifteen I quit stoppin' runaway horses as on'y suited tochildher. After that I wint in almost entirely f'r knockin' downarnychists as they was about to shoot. I saved th' life iv th'Impror iv Rooshya, an' he was anxious f'r to have me stay at th'coort, but people begun to talk about me an' wan iv th' rileprincesses an' I left. On my way home I seized an arnychist jus'as he had raised his pistol again th' Prince iv Wales, an' as areward he freed Ireland on th' spot. I rayceived an ovation f'rthis in Dublin in 1860 or thereabouts, but I disclaimed anny glory, was always willin' to do annything f'r me counthry, wisht them th'best iv luck: gintlemen, I can on'y say, I thank ye, I thank ye, I thank ye. 

"Me raycint advintures has been more in th' spoortin' line. I hadto give up futball afther winnin' victhry f'r me almy matther f'rfour successive years be a suparb run aroun' th' end. F'r a longtime I sailed th' cup dayfinder ivry year, an' always won be asthrategy that no wan but mesilf undherstands. I've killed iliphantsan' tigers be th' hundherd, rescooed people fr'm dhrownin' be th'thousan', climbed up th' outside iv a burnin' buildin' an' comedown with two or three fine-lookin' ladies in me arms, capturedforts, charged armies, knocked out th' wurruld's greatest pugilistswith a punch, led revolutions, suppressed thim, an' done it allmodestly an' quietly. 

"Iv coorse I won't say 'twas always th' spirit iv advinture ledme into these gallant acts. If I must tell ye th' thruth I'vegin'rally took less intherest in th' advinture itself thin in th'reward. I'm always a little hazy about th' details iv how I savedth' girl fr'm th' rapids iv Niagra whin I can't swim, or how Ihappened to hit th' tiger in th' eye whin I'm so afraid iv firearms, or how I stopped th' runaway team whin I know that th' other daywhin th' milkman's horse broke loose th' best I cud do was run toth' edge iv th' sidewalk an' wring me hands an' yell: "Whoa!" Butth' grateful millyonaire is always distinct. I can always hearth' cheers iv th' crowd as I come dhrippin' fr'm th' wather. Though th' raison I happened to be ladin' me rig'mint up th' hilliv San Joon is not clear to me now, I can plainly see mesilfreturnin' fr'm th' war, bronzed and weather-beaten, settin' erecton me horse an' respondin' to th' frantic cheers iv th' multichoodwith a slight bow. I always used to lose an arm or part iv anarm, but I've larned that isn't nicess'ry. 

"An' where have all these advintures occurred, d'ye say? Well, some iv th' most feerocyous iv thim happened in me bedroom, an'some on th' front stoop iv th' house on warm moonlight nights, butmost iv thim here in this room in front iv th' fire. Be rightsth' walls ought to be dic'rated with moose antlers, tigers' heads, diplomas, soords, votes iv Congress, medals an' autygrafted pitchersiv th' crowned heads iv Europe. Th' best advintures anny iv ushas is at home in a comf'rtable room--th' mos' excitin' an' th'asiest. Ye can make ye'ersilf as brave as ye want an' as cool, ye avide mussin' ye'er clothes, ye flavor with danger to suit th'taste, an' ye get a good dale more applause an' get it quickerthin th' other kind iv hayro. F'r manny years I've shot all metigers fr'm this rockin' chair. "

Rights and Privileges of Women

"Woman's rights? What does a woman want iv rights whin she haspriv'leges? Rights is th' last thing we get in this wurruld. They're th' nex' things to wrongs. They're wrongs tur-ned insideout. We have th' right to be sued f'r debt instead iv lettin' thebill run, which is a priv'lege. We have th' right to thrile be ajury iv our peers, a right to pay taxes an' a right to wurruk. None iv these things is anny good to me. They'se no fun in thim. All th' r-rights I injye I don't injye. I injye th' right toget money, but I niver have had anny money to spind. Th'constichooshion guarantees me th' right to life, but I die; toliberty, but if I thry bein' too free I'm locked up; an' to th'pursoot iv happiness, but happiness has th' right to run whinpursood, an' I've niver been able to three her yet. Here I am ativer-so-manny years iv age blown an' exhausted be th' chase, an'happiness is still able to do her hundhred yards in tin minyitsflat whin I approach. I'd give all th' rights I read about forwan priv-lege. If I cud go to sleep th' minyit I go to bed Iwudden't care who done me votin'. 

"No, sir, a woman don't need rights. Th' pope, imprors, kings an'women have priv-leges; ordhin'ry men has rights. Ye niver heariv th' Impror of Rooshya demandin' rights. He don't need thimin his wurruk. He gives thim, such as they ar're, to th' moojiks, or whativer it is ye call thim. D'ye think anny wan wud make agr-reat success be goin' to th' Czar an' sayin': "Czar (or sire, as th' case may be), ye must be unhappy without th' sufferage. Ye must be achin' all over to go down to th' livry stable an' castye'er impeeral ballot f'r Oscaroviski K. Hickinski f'r schoolthrustee?" I think th' Czar wud reply: 'Gintlemen, ye do me toomuch honor. I mus' rayfuse. Th' manly art iv sufferage is waniv th' most potint weepins iv th' freeman, but I'm not used to it, an' I wudden't know what to do with it. It might be loaded. Ithink I'll have to crawl along with me modest preerogatives ivcollectin' th' taxes, dalin' life an' death to me subjicks, atin'free, dhrinkin' th' best an' livin' aisy. But ye shall have ye'errights. Posieotofski, lade th' gintlemen out into th' coortyardan' give thim their rights as Rooshyan citizens. I think abouttwinty f'r each iv th' comity an' about a dozen exthry f'r thechairman. F'r wan iv th' rights guaranteed to his subjicks, beme sainted father, was a good latherin' ivry time it was comin'to thim. '

"An' so it is with women. They haven't th' right to vote, butthey have th' priv'lege iv conthrollin' th' man ye ilict. Theyhaven't th' right to make laws, but they have th' priv'lege ivbreakin' thim, which is betther. They haven't th' right iv a fairthrile be a jury iv their peers; but they have th' priv'lege ivan unfair thrile be a jury iv their admirin' infeeryors. If I cudfly d'ye think I'd want to walk?"

Avarice and Generosity

"I niver blame a man f'r bein' avaricyous in his ol' age. Whin afellow gits so he has nawthin' else to injye, whin ivrybody callshim 'sir' or 'mister, ' an' young people dodge him an' he sleepsafther dinner, an' folks say he's an ol' fool if he wears abuttonhole bokay an' his teeth is only tinants at will an' notpermanent fixtures, 'tis no more thin nach'ral that he shud beginto look around him f'r a way iv keepin' a grip on human s'ciety. It don't take him long to see that th' on'y thing that's vin'rablein age is money an' he pro-ceeds to acquire anything that happensto be in sight, takin' it where he can find it, not where he wantsit, which is th' way to accumylate a fortune. Money won't prolonglife, but a few millyons judicyously placed in good banks an'occas'nally worn on th' person will rayjooce age. Poor ol' menare always older thin poor rich men. In th' almshouse a man isdecrepit an' mournful-lookin' at sixty, but a millyonaire at sixtyis jus' in th' prime iv life to a frindly eye, an' there are noothers. 

"It's aisier to th' ol' to grow rich thin it is to th' young. Atmakin' money a man iv sixty is miles ahead iv a la-ad ivtwinty-five. Pollytics and bankin' is th' on'y two games whereage has th' best iv it. Youth has betther things to attind to, an' more iv thim. I don't blame a man f'r bein' stingy anny morethin I blame him f'r havin' a bad leg. Ye know th' doctors saythat if ye don't use wan iv ye'er limbs f'r a year or so ye canniver use it again. So it is with gin'rosity. A man starts arlyin life not bein' gin'rous. He says to himsilf: "I wurruked f'rthis thing an' if I give it away I lose it. " He ties up hisgin'rosity in bandages so that th' blood can't circylate in it. It gets to be a superstition with him that he'll have bad luck ifhe iver does annything f'r annybody. An' so he rakes in an' putshis private mark with his teeth on all th' movable money in th'wurruld. But th' day comes whin he sees people around him gettin'a good dale iv injyemint out iv gin'rosity an' somewan says: 'Whydon't ye, too, be gin-rous? Come, ol' green goods, unbelt, loosenup, be gin-rous. ' 'Gin'rous?' says he, 'what's that?' 'It's th'best spoort in th' wurruld. It's givin' things to people. ' 'ButI can't, ' he says. 'I haven't annything to do it with, ' he says. 'I don't know th' game. I haven't anny gin'rosity, ' he says. 'But ye have, ' says they. 'Ye have as much gin'rosity as annywanif ye'll only use it, ' says they. 'Take it out iv th' plasthercast ye put it in an' 'twill look as good as new, ' says they. An'he does it. He thries to use his gin'rosity, but all th' life isout iv it. It gives way undher him an' he falls down. He can'traise it fr'm th' groun'. It's ossyfied an' useless. I've seenmanny a fellow that suffered fr'm ossyfied gin'rosity. 

"Whin a man begins makin' money in his youth at annything but gamesiv chance, he niver can become gin'rous late in life. He may makea bluff at it. 

Some men are gin'rous with a crutch. Some men get the use of theirgin'rosity back suddenly whin they ar-re in danger. Whin Clancythe miser was caught in a fire in th' Halsted Sthreet Palace hotelhe howled fr'm a window: 'I'll give twinty dollars to annywanthat'll take me down. ' Cap'n Minehan put up a laddher an' climbedto him an' carrid him to the sthreet. Half-way down th' laddherth' brave rayscooer was seen to be chokin' his helpless burdhen. We discovered aftherwards that Clancy had thried to begin negotyationsto rayjooce th' reward to five dollars. His gin'rosity had becomesuddenly par'lyzed again. 

"So if ye'd stay gin'rous to th' end niver lave ye'er gin'rosityidle too long. Don't run it ivry hour at th' top iv its speed, but fr'm day to day give it a little gintle exercise to keep itsupple an' hearty an' in due time ye may injye it. "

The End of Things

"The raison no wan is afraid iv Death, Hinnessy, is that no wanra-ally undherstands it. If anny wan iver come to undherstandit he'd be scared to death. If they is anny such thing as a cow'rd, which I doubt, he's a man that comes nearer realizin' thin othermen, how seeryous a matther it is to die. I talk about it, an'sometimes I think about it. But how do I think about it? It's melyin' there in a fine shoot iv clothes an' listenin' to all th'nice things people are sayin' about me. I'm dead, mind ye, but Ican hear a whisper in the furthest corner iv th' room. Ivry wanis askin' ivry wan else why did I die. 'It's a gr-reat loss toth' counthry, ' says Hogan. 'It is, ' says Donahue. 'He was a fineman, ' says Clancy. 'As honest a man is iver dhrew th' breath ivlife, ' says Schwartzmeister. 'I hope he forgives us all th' harmwe attimpted to do him, ' says Donahue. 'I'd give annything tohave him back, ' says Clancy. 'He was this and that, th' life ivth' party, th' sowl iv honor, th' frind iv th' disthressed, th'boolwark iv th' constichoochion, a pathrite, a gintleman, a Christyanan' a scholard. ' 'An' such a roguish way with him, ' says th' WidowO'Brien. 

"That's what I think, but if I judged fr'm expeeryence I'd knowit'd be, 'It's a nice day f'r a dhrive to th' cimitry. Did helave much?' No man is a hayro to his undertaker. "

Hypocrisy

"It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't bepretendin' he was. But I don't think they'se anny such thing ashypocrisy in th' wurruld. They can't be. If ye'd turn on th' gasin th' darkest heart ye'd find it had a good raison for th' worstthings it done, a good varchous raison, like needin' th' money orpunishin' th' wicked or tachin' people a lesson to be more careful, or protectin' th' liberties iv mankind, or needin' the money. "

History

"I know histhry isn't thrue, Hinnessy, because it ain't like whatI see ivry day in Halsted Sthreet. If any wan comes along with ahisthry iv Greece or Rome that'll show me th' people fightin', gettin' dhrunk, makin' love, gettin' married, owin' th' groceryman an' bein' without hard-coal, I'll believe they was a Greeceor Rome, but not befure. Historyans is like doctors. They arealways lookin' f'r symptoms. Those iv them that writes about theirown times examines th' tongue an' feels th' pulse an' makes a wrongdygnosis. Th' other kind iv histhry is a post-mortem examination. It tells ye what a counthry died iv. But I'd like to know whatit lived iv. "

Enjoyment

"I don't think we injye other people's sufferin', Hinnessy. Itisn't acshally injyement. But we feel betther f'r it. "

Gratitude

"Wan raison people ar-re not grateful is because they're proud ivthimsilves an' they niver feel they get half what they desarve. Another raison is they know ye've had all th' fun ye're entitledto whin ye do annything f'r annybody. A man who expicts gratichoodis a usurer, an' if he's caught at it he loses th' loan an' th'intherest. "