Mr. PUNCH'S

HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR

1919

First Impression July 1919Second " July 1919Third " August 1919Fourth " August 1919Fifth " September 1919Sixth " October 1919Seventh " October 1919

[Illustration: PEACE--THE SOWER]

TO THE READER

 _For whatsoever worth or wit appears In this mixed record of five hectic years, This tale of heroes, heroines--and others-- Thank first "O. S. " and then his band of brothers Who took their cue, with pencil and with pen, From the gay courage of our fighting men. Theirs be the praise, not his, who here supplies Merely the editorial hooks and eyes And, rich by proxy, prodigally spends The largess of his colleagues and his friends. _

_C. L. G_. 

PROLOGUE

Though a lover of peace, Mr. Punch from his earliest days has not beenunfamiliar with war. He was born during the Afghan campaign; in his youthEngland fought side by side with the French in the Crimea; he saw the oldQueen bestow the first Victoria Crosses in 1857; he was moved and stirredby the horrors and heroisms of the Indian Mutiny. A little later on, whenour relations with France were strained by the Imperialism of LouisNapoleon, he had witnessed the rise of the volunteer movement and mademerry with the activities of the citizen soldier of Brook Green. Later onagain he had watched, not without grave misgiving, the growth of the greatPrussian war machine which crushed Denmark, overthrew Austria, and havingisolated France, overwhelmed her heroic resistance by superior numbers andscience, and stripped her of Alsace-Lorraine. 

In May, 1864, Mr. Punch presented the King of Prussia with the "Order ofSt. Gibbet" for his treatment of Denmark. 

In August of the same year he portrayed the brigands dividing the spoil andPrussia grabbing the lion's share, thus foreshadowing the inevitableconflict with Austria. 

In the war of 1870-1 he showed France on her knees but defying the newCaesar, and arraigned Bismarck before the altar of Justice for demandingexorbitant securities. 

And in 1873, when the German occupation was ended by the payment of theindemnity, in a flash of prophetic vision Mr. Punch pictured France, vanquished but unsubdued, bidding her conqueror "Au revoir. "

[Illustration: GAUL TO THE NEW CAESAR

"Defiance, Emperor, while I have strength to hurl it!"

_(Dec. 17, 1870)_]

More than forty years followed, years of peace and prosperity for GreatBritain, only broken by the South African war, the wounds of which werehealed by a generous settlement. But all the time Germany was preparing for"The Day, " steadily perfecting her war machine, enlarging her armies, creating a great fleet, and piling up colossal supplies of guns andmunitions, while her professors and historians, harnessed to the car ofmilitarism, inflamed the people against England as the jealous enemy ofGermany's legitimate expansion. Abroad, like a great octopus, she wasfastening the tentacles of permeation and penetration in every corner ofthe globe, honeycombing Russia and Belgium, France, England and Americawith secret agents, spying and intriguing and abusing our hospitality. Fortwenty-five years the Kaiser was our frequent and honoured, if somewhatembarrassing, guest, professing friendship for England and admiration ofher ways, shooting at Sandringham, competing at Cowes, sending telegrams ofcongratulation to the University boat-race winners, ingratiating himselfwith all he met by his social gifts, his vivacious conversation, hisprodigious versatility and energy. 

[Illustration:

THE REWARD OF (DE)MERIT

King Punch presenteth Prussia with the Order of "St. Gibbet. "

(_May 7_, 1864)]

Mr. Punch was no enemy of Germany. He remembered--none better--the debt weowe to her learning and her art; to Bach and Beethoven, to Handel, the"dear Saxon" who adopted our citizenship; to Mendelssohn, who regardedEngland as his second home; to her fairy tales and folk-lore; to theBrothers Grimm and the _Struwwelpeter_; to the old kindly Germanywhich has been driven mad by War Lords and Pan-Germans. If Mr. Punch'sawakening was gradual he at least recognised the dangerous elements in theKaiser's character as far back as October, 1888, when he underlinedBismarck's warning against Caesarism. In March, 1890, appeared Tenniel'sfamous cartoon "Dropping the Pilot"; in May of the same year the Kaiserappears as the _Enfant Terrible_ of Europe, rocking the boat andalarming his fellow-rulers. In January, 1892, he is the ImperialJack-in-the-Box with a finger in every pie; in March, 1892, the modernAlexander, who

 Assumes the God, Affects to nod, And seems to shake the spheres;

though unfortunately never nodding in the way that Homer did. (Thiscartoon, by the way, caused _Punch_ to be excluded for a while fromthe Imperial Palace. )

In February, 1896, Mr. Punch drew the Kaiser as Fidgety Will. In January, 1897, he was the Imperial actor-manager casting himself for a leading partin _Un Voyage en Chine_; in October of the same year he was "Cook'sCrusader, " sympathising with the Turk at the time of the Cretan ultimatum;and in April, 1903, the famous visit to Tangier suggested the Moor ofPotsdam wooing Morocco to the strains of

 "Unter den Linden"--always at Home, "Under the Limelight, " wherever I roam. 

[Illustration:

"AU REVOIR!"

GERMANY: "Farewell, Madam, and if--"

FRANCE: "Ha! We shall meet again!"

(_Sept. 27, 1873. _)]

In 1905 the Kaiser was "The Sower of Tares, " the enemy of Europe. 

In 1910 he was Teutonising and Prussifying Turkey; in 1911 discovering tohis discomfort that the Triple Entente was a solid fact. 

And in September, 1913, he was shown as unable to dissemble hisdisappointment at the defeat of the German-trained Turkish army by theBalkan League. 

[Illustration: THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM

(Up-to-date Version of "Struwwelpeter")

 "Let me see if Wilhelm can Be a little gentleman; Let me sec if he is able To sit still for once at table!"

 "But Fidgety Will He _won't_ sit still. "

 Just like any bucking horse. "Wilhelm! We are getting cross!"

_Feb. _ 1, 1896. ]

[Illustration:

THE SOWER OF TARES

(_After Millais, Aug. 23, 1905_)]

So, too, with Turkey. From 1876 to 1913 Mr. Punch's cartoons on the NearEast are one continuous and illuminating commentary on Lord Salisbury'shistoric admission that we had "backed the wrong horse, " culminating in thecartoon "Armageddon: a Diversion" in December, 1912, when Turkey says"Good! If only all these other Christian nations get at one another'sthroats I may have a dog's chance yet. " Throughout the entire series theSick Man remains cynical and impenitent, blowing endless bubble-promises ofreform from his hookah, bullying and massacring his subject races wheneverhe had the chance, playing off the jealousies of the Powers, one againstthe other, to further his own sinister ends. 

[Illustration: SOLID

GERMANY: "Donnerwetter! It's rock. I thought it was going to be paper. "(_Aug. 2, 1911_)]

Yet Mr. Punch does not wish to lay claim to any special prescience orwisdom, for, in spite of lucid intervals of foresight, we were all deceivedby Germany. Nearly fifty years of peace had blinded us to fifty years ofrelentless preparation for war. But if we were deceived by the treachery ofGermany's false professions, we had no monopoly of illusion. Germany madethe huge mistake of believing that we would stand out--that we dared notsupport France in face of our troubles and divisions at home. She countedon the pacific influences in a Liberal Cabinet, on the looseness of theties which bound us to our Dominions, on the "contemptible" numbers of ourExpeditionary Force, on the surrender of Belgium. She had willed the War;the tragedy of Sarajevo gave her the excuse. There is no longer any need tofix the responsibility. The roots of the world conflict which seemedobscure to a neutral statesman have long been laid bare by the avowals ofthe chief criminal. The story is told in the Memoir of Prince Lichnowsky, in the revelations of Dr. Muehlon of Krupp's, in the officialcorrespondence that has come to light since the Revolution of Berlin. Germany stands before the bar of civilisation as the _reus confitens_in the cause of light against darkness, freedom against world enslavement. 

So the War began, and if "when war begins then hell opens, " the sayinggained a tenfold truth in the greatest War of all, when the aggressor atonce began to wage it on non-combatants, on the helpless and innocent, onwomen and children, with a cold and deliberate ferocity unparalleled inhistory. Let it now be frankly owned that in the shock of this discoveryMr. Punch thought seriously of putting up his shutters. How could he carryon in a shattered and mourning world? The chronicle that follows shows howit became possible, thanks to the temper of all our people in all parts ofthe Empire, above all to the unwavering confidence of our sailors andsoldiers, to that "wonderful spirit of light-heartedness, that perpetualsense of the ridiculous" which, in the words of one of Mr. Punch's manycontributors from the front, "even under the most appalling conditionsnever seemed to desert them, and which indeed seemed to flourish morefreely in the mud and rain of the front line trenches than in thecomparative comfort of billets or 'cushy jobs. '" Tommy gave Mr. Punch hiscue, and his high example was not thrown away on those at home, where, whenall allowance is made for shirkers and slackers and scaremongers, callouspleasure-seekers, faint-hearted pacificists, rebels and traitors, the greatmajority so bore themselves as to convince Mr. Punch that it was not only aprivilege but a duty to minister to mirth even at times when one hastenedto laugh for fear of being obliged to weep. In this resolve he wasfortified and encouraged, week after week, by the generous recognition ofhis efforts which came from all parts of our far-flung line. 

This is no formal History of the War in the strict or scientific sense ofthe phrase; no detailed record of naval and military operations. There havebeen many occasions on which silence or reticence seemed the only way tomaintain the national composure. It is _Mr. Punch's_ History of theGreat War, a mirror of varying moods, month by month, but reflecting in themain how England remained steadfastly true to her best traditions; how allsorts and conditions of men and women comported themselves throughout thegreatest ordeal that had ever befallen their race. 

Mr. PUNCH'S HISTORY of the GREAT WAR

_August, 1914. _

Four weeks ago we stood on the verge of the great upheaval and knew it not. We were thinking of holidays; of cricket and golf and bathing, and thenwere suddenly plunged in the deep waters of the greatest of all Wars. Ithas been a month of rude awakening, of revelation, of discovery--of manymoods varying from confidence to deep misgiving, yet dominated by a senseof relief that England has chosen the right course. Sir Edward Grey'sstatement that we meant to stand by France and fulfil our obligations toBelgium rallied all parties. "Thrice armed is he that hath his quarreljust. " The Fleet "stands fast" and the vigil of the North Sea has begun. Lord Kitchener has gone to the War Office, and in twelve days from thedeclaration of War our Expeditionary Force, the best trained and equippedarmy that England has ever put into the field, landed in France. TheDominions and India are staunch. Every able-bodied public school boy andunder-graduate of military age has joined the colours. The Admiralty iscrowded with living counterparts of Captain Kettle, offering their servicesin any capacity, linking up the Merchant Marine with the Royal Navy in onegreat solidarity of the sea. 

The Empire is sound and united. So far the omens are good. But as the dayspass the colossal task of the Allies becomes increasingly apparent. Peace-loving nations are confronted by a Power which has prepared for warfor forty years, equipped in every detail as no Power has ever beenequipped before, with a docile and well-disciplined people trained to arms, fortified by a well-founded belief in their invincibility, reinforced byarmies of spies in every country, hostile or neutral. We are up against themightiest War-machine of all time, wonderful in organisation, joining thesavagery of the barbarian to the deadliest resources of modern science. Therevelation of the black soul of Germany is the greatest and the mosthideous surprise of this month of months, crowning long years of treacheryand the abuse of hospitality with an orgy of butchery and devastation--thetorture and massacre of old men, women and children, the shooting ofhostages, the sack and burning of towns and the destruction of ancientseats of learning. Yet we feel that in trampling upon heroic Belgium, whodared to bar the gate, Germany has outraged the conscience of the world andsealed her ultimate doom. 

The month closes in gloom, the fall of Liége, Namur and Brussels, the sackof Louvain, and the repulse of the Russian raid into East Prussia atTannenberg following in rapid succession. Against these disasters we haveto set the brilliant engagement in the Heligoland Bight. But the onrush ofthe Germans on the Western front is not stayed, though their time-table hasbeen thrown out by the self-sacrifice of the Belgians, the steadfastcourage of French's "contemptible little army" in the retreat from Mons, and the bold decision of Smith-Dorrien, who saved the situation at LeCateau. In these days of apprehension and misgiving, clouded by alarmingrumours of a broken and annihilated army, it sometimes seems as though weshould never smile again. Where, in a world of blood and tears, can_Punch_ exercise his function without outraging the fitness of things?These doubts have been with us from the beginning, but they are alreadybeing resolved by the discovery--another of the wonders of the time--thaton the very fringes of tragedy there is room for cheerfulness. When ourfighting men refuse to be downhearted in the direst peril, we at homeshould follow their high example, note where we can the humours of thefray, and "bear in silence though our hearts may bleed. "

[Illustration:

BRAVO, BELGIUM!]

[Illustration: MEDICAL OFFICER: "Sorry I must reject you on account of yourteeth. "

WOULD-BE-RECRUIT: "Man, ye're making a gran' mistake. I'm no wanting tobite the Germans, I'm wanting to shoot 'em. "]

Germany in one brief month has given us a wonderful exhibition ofconscienceless strength, of disciplined ferocity. She has shown an equallyamazing failure to read the character of her foes aright. We now know whatGerman Kultur means: but of the soul and spirit of England she knowsnothing. Least of all does she understand that formidable and incorrigiblelevity which refuses to take hard knocks seriously. It will be ourprivilege to assist in educating our enemies on these and other points, even though, as Lord Kitchener thinks, it takes three years to do it. TheMad Dog of Europe is loose, but we remember the fate of the dog who "toserve some private ends went mad and bit the man. " "The man recovered fromhis bite, the dog it was that died. " Meanwhile the Official Press Bureauhas begun its operations, the Prince of Wales's Relief Fund for the reliefof those who may suffer distress through the war is started, and in theCity

 Because beneath grey Northern Skies Some grey hulls heave and fall, The merchants sell their merchandise All just as usual. 

_September, 1914. _

Another month of revelations and reticences, of carnage and destruction, loss and gain, with the miracle of the Marne as the first great sign of theturning of the tide. On September 3 the Paris Government moved to Bordeaux, on the 5th the retreat from Mons ended, on the 13th Joffre, alwaysunboastful and laconic, announced the rolling back of the invaders, on the15th the battle of the Aisne had begun. What an Iliad of agony, enduranceand heroism lies behind these dates--the ordeal and deliverance of Paris, the steadfastness of the "Contemptibles, " the martyrdom of Belgium!

Day by day Germany unmasks herself more clearly in her true colours fromhighest to lowest. The Kaiser reveals himself as a blasphemer andhypocrite, the Imperial crocodile with the bleeding heart, the Crown Princeas a common brigand, the High Command as chief instigators to ferocity, therank and file as docile instruments of butchery and torture, content to useBelgium women as a screen when going into action. 

 THE TWO GERMANIES

 Marvellous the utter transformation Of the spirit of the German nation!

 Once the land of poets, seers and sages, Who enchant us in their deathless pages, Holding high the torch of Truth, and earning Endless honour by their zeal for learning. 

 Such the land that in an age uncouther Bred the soul-emancipating LUTHER. 

 Such the land that made our debt the greater By the gift of _Faust_ and _Struwwelpeter_. 

 Now the creed of Nietzsche, base, unholy, Guides the nation's brain and guides it solely. 

 Now Mozart's serene and joyous magic Yields to RICHARD STRAUSS, the haemorrhagic. [A]

 Now the eagle changing to the vulture Preaches rapine in the name of culture. 

 Now the Prussian _Junker_, blind with fury, Claims to be God's counsel, judge and jury, While the authentic German genius slumbers, Cast into the limbo of back numbers. 

[Footnote A: Great play is made in Strauss's _Elektra_ with the"slippery blood" motive. ]

The campaign of lies goes on with immense energy in all neutral countries, for the Kaiser is evidently of opinion that the pen is perhaps mightierthan the sword. 

At home the great improvisation of the New Armies, undertaken by LordKitchener in the teeth of much expert criticism, goes steadily on. LordKitchener asked for 500, 000 men, and he has got them. On September 10 theHouse voted another half million. The open spaces in Hyde Park are givenover to training; women are beginning to take the place of men. Already thespirit of the new soldiers is growing akin to that of the regulars. One ofMr. Punch's brigade, who has begun to send his impressions of the mobilisedTerritorials, sums it up very well when he says that, amateurs orprofessionals, they are all very much alike. "Feed them like princes andpamper them like babies, and they'll complain all the time. But stand themup to be shot at and they'll take it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too. " Lord Roberts maintains a dignified reticence, but that is "Bobs'way":

 He knew, none better, how 'twould be, And spoke his warning far and wide: He worked to save us ceaselessly, Setting his well-earned ease aside. 

 We smiled and shrugged and went our way, Blind to the swift approaching blow: His every word proves true to-day, But no man hears, "I told you so!"

Meanwhile General Botha, Boer and Briton too, is on the war-path, and wecan, without an undue stretch of imagination, picture him composing atelegram to the Kaiser in these terms: "Just off to repel another raid. Your customary wire of congratulations should be addressed, 'BritishHeadquarters, German South-West Africa. '"

[Illustration: GOD (AND THE WOMEN) OUR SHIELD

Study of a German Gentleman going into Action]

The rigours of the Censorship are pressing hard on war correspondents. Official news of importance trickles in in driblets: for the rest, newspaper men, miles from the front, are driven to eke out their dispatcheswith negligible trivialities. We know that Rheims Cathedral is sufferingwanton bombardment. And a great many of us believe that at least a quarterof a million Russians have passed through England on their way to France. The number of people who have seen them is large: that of those who haveseen people who have seen them is enormous. 

[Illustration: PORTER: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come toEngland? Well, sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A trainwent through here full, and when it came back I knowed there'd beenRooshuns in it, 'cause the cushions and floors was covered with snow. "]

We gather that the Press Bureau has no notion whether the rumour is true ornot, and cannot think of any way of finding out. But it consents to itspublication in the hope that it will frighten the Kaiser. Apropos of theRussians we learn that they have won a pronounced victory (though not byus) at Przemysl. 

Motto for the month: _Grattez le Prusse et vous trouverez le barbare_. 

[Illustration: UNCONQUERABLE

THE KAISER: "So, you see--you've lost everything. "

THE KING OF THE BELGIANS: "Not my soul. "]

_October, 1914. _

Antwerp has fallen and the Belgian Government removed to Havre. But thespirit of the King and his army is unshaken. 

Unshaken, too, is the courage of Burgomaster Max of Brussels, "who facedthe German bullies with the stiffest of stiff backs. " The Kaiser has beenfoiled in his hope of witnessing the fall of Nancy, the drive for theChannel ports has begun at Ypres, and German submarines have retorted toMr. Churchill's threat to "dig out" the German Fleet "like rats" bytorpedoing three battleships. Trench warfare is in full and deadly swing, but "Thomas of the light heart" refuses to be downhearted:

 He takes to fighting as a game, He does no talking through his hat Of holy missions: all the same He has his faith--be sure of that: He'll not disgrace his sporting breed Nor play what isn't cricket. There's his creed. 

Last month Lord Kitchener paid a high tribute to the growing efficiency ofthe "Terriers" and their readiness to go anywhere. _Punch's_representative with the "Watch Dogs" fully bears out this praise. They havebeen inoculated and are ready to move on. Some suggest India, others Egypt. "But what tempted the majority was the thought of a season's shootingwithout having to pay for so much as a gun licence, and so we decided forthe Continent. "

News from the front continues scanty, and Joffre's laconic_communiqués_ might in sum be versified as follows:

 On our left wing the state of things remains Unaltered on a general review, Our losses in the centre match our gains, And on our right wing there is nothing new. 

Nor do we gain much enlightenment from the "Eyewitness" with G. H. Q. , thoughhis literary skill in elegantly describing the things that do not mattermoves our admiration. 

[Illustration: THE BULL-DOG BREED

OFFICER: "Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for?"

RECRUIT: "To prevent the henemy from landin', sir. "

OFFICER: "And do you think you could prevent him landing all by yourself?"

RECRUIT: "Don't know, sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a damn good try!"]

The Kaiser's sons continue to distinguish themselves as first-classlooters, and the ban laid on the English language, including very properlythe word "gentleman, " has been lifted in favour of Wilhelm Shakespeare. 

The prophets are no longer so optimistic in predicting when the War willend. One of Mr. Punch's young men suggests Christmas, 1918. But 500 Germanprisoners have arrived at Templemore, co. Tipperary. It's a long, long way, but they've got there at last. 

_November, 1914_. 

The miracle of the Marne has been followed by another miracle--that ofYpres. Outgunned and outnumbered, our thin line has stemmed the rush to thesea. 

The road to Calais has been blocked like that to Paris. Heartening newscomes from afar of the fall of Tsing-tau before our redoubtable Japaneseallies, and with it the crumbling of Germany's scheme of an OrientalEmpire; of the British occupation of Basra; and of the sinking of the_Emden_, thanks to the "good hunting" of the _Sydney_--the firstfruits of Australian aid. A new enemy has appeared in Turkey, but herdefection has its consolations. It is something to be rid of an"unspeakable" incubus full of promises of reform never fulfilled, "sick"but unrepentant, always turning European discord to bloody account at theexpense of her subject nationalities: in all respects a fitting partner forher ally and master. 

At sea our pain at the loss of the _Good Hope_ and _Monmouth_ offCoronel is less than our pride in the spirit of the heroic Cradock, truedescendant of Grenville and Nelson, prompt to give battle againstoverwhelming odds. The soul of the "Navy Eternal" draws fresh strength fromhis example. So, too, does the Army from the death of Lord Roberts, the"happy warrior, " who passed away while visiting the Western front. The besthomage we can pay him is not grief or

 Vain regret for counsel given in vain, But service of our lives to keep her free The land he served: a pledge above his grave To give her even such a gift as he, The soul of loyalty, gave. 

Even the Germans have paid reluctant tribute to one who, as Bonar Law saidin the House, "was in real life all, and more than all, that ColonelNewcome was in fiction. " He was the exemplar _in excelsis_ of those"bantams, " "little and good, " who, after being rejected for theirdiminutive stature, are now joining up under the new regulations:

 Apparently he's just as small, But since his size no more impedes him In spirit he is six foot tall-- Because his country needs him. 

[Illustration: THE EXCURSIONIST

TRIPPER WILHELM: "First Class to Paris. "

CLERK: "Line blocked. "

WILHELM: "Then make it Warsaw. "

CLERK: "Line blocked. "

WILHELM: "Well, what about Calais?"

CLERK: "Line blocked. "

WILHELM: "Hang it! I _must_ go _somewhere_! I promised my peopleI would. "]

We have begun to think in millions. The war is costing a million a day. TheChancellor of the Exchequer has launched a war loan of 230 millions anddoubled our income tax. The Prime Minister asks for an addition of amillion men to the Regular Army. But the country has not yet fully awakenedto the realities of war. Football clubs are concerned with the "jostling ofthe ordinary patrons" by men in uniform. "Business as usual" is interpretedas "pleasure as usual" in some quarters. Rumour is busy with stories ofmysterious prisoners in the Tower, with tales of huge guns which are toshell us from Calais when the Germans get there; with reports (from neutralsources) of the speedy advent of scores of Zeppelins and hundreds ofaeroplanes over London. But though

 Old England's dark o' nights and short Of 'buses: still she's much the sort Of place we always used to know. 

[Illustration: T. B. D. 

OFFICER'S STEWARD: "Will you take your bath, sir, before or afterhaction?"]

It is otherwise with Belgium, with its shattered homes and wrecked towns. The great Russian legend is still going strong, in spite of the statementsof the Under-Secretary for War, and, after all, why should the Germans doall the story telling? By the way, a "German Truth Society" has beenfounded. It is pleasant to know that it is realised over there at last thatthere is a difference between Truth and German Truth. The British Navy, welearn from the _Kölnische Zeitung_, "is in hiding. " But our fragrantcontemporary need not worry. In due course the Germans shall have thehiding. 

In some ways the unchanged spirit of our people is rather disconcerting. One of Mr. Punch's young men, happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance, asked him how he thought the war was going, and met with the answer: "Oh, Ithink the managers will have to give in. " And the proposal to change thename of Berlin Road at Lewisham has been rejected by the residents. 

_December, 1914_. 

In less than six weeks Coronel has been avenged at the battle of theFalkland Islands:

 Hardened steel are our ships; Gallant tars are our men; We never are wordy (STURDEE, boys, STURDEE!), But quietly conquer again and again. 

Here at least we can salute the vanquished. Admiral von Spee, who went downwith his doomed squadron, was a gallant and chivalrous antagonist, likeCaptain Müller, of the _Emden_. Germany's retort, eight days later, bybombarding Scarborough and Whitby, reveals the normal Hun: Come where you will--the seas are wide; And choose your Day--they're all alike; You'll find us ready when we ride In calm or storm and wait to strike; But--if of shame your shameless Huns Can yet retrieve some casual traces-- Please fight our men and ships and guns, Not womenfolk and watering places. 

Austria's "punitive expedition" has ended in disaster for the Austrians. They entered Belgrade on the 2nd, and were driven out twelve days later bythe Serbs. King George has paid his first visit to the front, and madeGeneral Foch a G. C. B. We know that the General is a great authority onstrategy, and that his name, correctly pronounced, rhymes with Boche, ashero with Nero. He is evidently a man likely to be heard of again. Anotherhitherto unfamiliar name that has cropped up is that of Herr Lissauer, who, for writing a "Hymn of Hate" against England, has been decorated by theKaiser. This shows true magnanimity on the part of the Kaiser, in hiscapacity of King of Prussia, since the "Hymn of Hate" turns out to be aclose adaptation of a poem composed by a Saxon patriot, in which Prussia, not England, was held up to execration. 

Kitchener's great improvisation is already bearing fruit, and the NewArmies are flocking to the support of the old. Indian troops are fightinggallantly in three continents. King Albert "the unconquerable, " in thenarrow strip of his country that still belongs to him, waits in unshakenfaith for the coming of the dawn. And as Christmas draws on the thoughts ofofficers and men in the waterlogged trenches turn fondly homeward tomothers, wives and sweethearts:

 Cheer up! I'm calling far away; And wireless you can hear. Cheer up! You know you'd have me stay And keep on trying day by day; We're winning, never fear. 

Christmas at least brings the children's truce, and that is something to bethankful for, but it is not the Christmas that we knew and long for:

ON EARTH--PEACE

 No stir of wings sweeps softly by; No angel comes with blinding light; Beneath the wild and wintry sky No shepherds watch their flocks to-night. 

 In the dull thunder of the wind We hear the cruel guns afar, But in the glowering heavens we find No guiding, solitary star. 

 But lo! on this our Lord's birthday, Lit by the glory whence she came, Peace, like a warrior, stands at bay, A swift, defiant, living flame!

 Full-armed she stands in shining mail, Erect, serene, unfaltering still, Shod with a strength that cannot fail, Strong with a fierce o'ermastering will. 

 Where shattered homes and ruins be She fights through dark and desperate days; Beside the watchers on the sea She guards the Channel's narrow ways. 

 Through iron hail and shattering shell, Where the dull earth is stained with red, Fearless she fronts the gates of Hell And shields the unforgotten dead. 

 So stands she, with her all at stake, And battles for her own dear life, That by one victory she may make For evermore an end of strife. 

[Illustration: THE CHILDREN'S PEACE

PEACE: "I'm glad that they, at least, have their Christmas unspoiled. "]

Yet we have our minor war gains in the temporary disappearance of cranksand faddists, some of whom have sunk without a ripple. And though the PressCensor's suppressions and delays and inconsistencies provoke discontent inthe House and out of it, food for mirth turns up constantly in unexpectedquarters. The Crown Prince tells an American interviewer that there is noWar Party in Germany, nor has there ever been. The German General Staffhave begun to disguise set-backs under the convenient euphemism that thesituation has developed "according to expectation. " An English villageworthy, discussing the prospects of invasion, comes to the reassuringconclusion that "there can't be no battle in these parts, Jarge, for therebain't no field suitable, as you may say; an' Squire, 'e won't lend 'em theuse of 'is park. " The troubles of neutrality are neatly summed up in apaper in a recent geography examination. "Holland is a low country, in factit is such a very low country that it is no wonder that it is dammed allround. "

The trials of mistresses on the home front are happily described in thereply of a child to a small visitor who inquired after her mother. "Thankyou, poor mummie's a bit below herself this morning--what with the cook andthe Kaiser. "

[Illustration:

POMPOUS LADY: "I shall descend at Knightsbridge. "

TOMMY (aside): "Takes 'erself for a bloomin' Zeppelin!"]

We have to thank an ingenious correspondent for drawing up the following"credibility index" for the guidance of perplexed newspaper readers:

 London, Paris, or Petrograd (official) 100 " " " (semi-official) 50 Berlin (official) 25 It is believed in military circles here that-- 24 A correspondent that has just returned from the firing-line tells me that-- 18 Our correspondent at Rome announces that-- 11 Berlin (unofficial) 10 I learn from a neutral merchant that-- 7 A story is current in Venice to the effect that-- 5 It is rumoured that-- 4 I have heard to-day from a reliable source that-- 3 I learn on unassailable authority that-- 2 It is rumoured in Rotterdam that-- 1 Wolff's Bureau states that-- 0

_January, 1915_. 

General von Kluck "never got round on the right. " Calais is Calais still, and the Kaiser, if he still wishes to give it a new name, may call it the"Never, Never Land. " "General Janvier" is doing his worst, but our men aresticking it out through slush and slime. As for the Christmas truce andfraternisation, the British officer who ended a situation that was provingimpossible by presenting a dingy Saxon with a copy of _Punch_ inexchange for a packet of cigarettes, acted with a wise candour:

 For there he found, our dingy friend, Amid the trench's sobering slosh, What must have left him, by the end, A wiser, if a sadder, Boche, Seeing himself, with chastened mien, In that pellucid well of Truth serene. 

There can be no "fraternising" with Fritz until he realises that he hasbeen fooled by his War Lords; and his awakening is a long way off. LordKitchener has been charged with being "very economical in his information"vouchsafed to the Lords, but it is well to be rid of illusions. This hasnot been a month of great events. General Joffre is content with thisceaseless "nibbling. " The Kaiser, nourished by the flattery of his tameprofessors, encourages the war on non-combatants. 

The Turks are beginning to show a gift for euphemism in disguising theirreverses in the Caucasus, which shows that they have nothing to learn fromtheir masters; Austria, badly mauled by the Serbians, addresses awfulthreats to Roumania; and the United States has issued a warning Note onneutral trading. But the American Eagle is not the Eagle that we are upagainst. 

[Illustration: THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED

THE EMPEROR: "What! No babes, Sirrah?"

THE MURDERER: "Alas, Sire, none. "

THE EMPEROR: "Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses. "

(_Exit murderer, discouraged_. )]

The number of Mr. Punch's correspondents on active service steadily grows. Some of them are at the Western front; others are still straining at theleash at home; another of the _Punch_ brigade, with the very firstbattalion of Territorials to land in India, has begun to send hisimpressions of the shiny land; of friendly natives and unfriendly ants; ofthe disappointment of being relegated to clerical duties instead of goingto the front; of the evaporation of visions of military glory in theroutine of typing, telephoning and telegraphing; of leisurely Orientalmethods. Being a soldier clerk in India is very different from being acivilian clerk in England. Patience, good Territorials in India, your timewill come. 

[Illustration: THE SHIRKERS' WAR NEWS

"There! What did I tell you? Northdown Lambs beaten--two to nothing. "]

At home, though the "knut" has been commandeered and nobly transmogrified, though women are increasingly occupied in war work and entering withdevotion and self-sacrifice on their new duties as substitutes for men, wehave not yet been wholly purged of levity and selfishness. Football newshas not receded into its true perspective; shirkers are more pre-occupiedwith the defeat or victory of "Lambs" or "Wolves" in Lancashire than withthe stubborn defence, the infinite discomfort and the heavy losses of theirbrothers in Flanders. 

Overdressed fashionables pester wounded officers and men with theirunreasonable visits and futile queries. The enemies in our midst are notall aliens; there are not a few natives we should like to see interned. 

The Kaiser has had his first War birthday and, as the Prussian Governmenthas ordered that there shall be no public celebrations, this confirms therumours that he now wishes he had never been born. 

Germany, says the _Cologne Gazette_ in an article on the foodquestion, "has still at hand a very large supply of pigs"--even after theenormous number she has exported to Belgium. Germany, however, does notonly export pigs; her trade in "canards" with neutrals grows and grows, chiefly with the United States, thanks to the untiring mendacity ofBernstorff and Wolff. Compared with these efforts, the revelations ofEnglish governesses at German courts, which are now finding their way intoprint, make but a poor show. 

As the British armies increase, the moustache of the British officer, oneof the most astonishing products of these astonishing times, grows "smallby degrees and beautifully less. " Waxed ends, fashionable in a previousgeneration, are now only worn by policemen, taxi-drivers and labourleaders. The Kaiser remains faithful to the Mephistophelean form. But inproof of his desire to make the best of both worlds, nether and celestial, he continues to commandeer "Gott" on every occasion as his second incommand. Out-Heroding Herod as a murderer of innocents, he enters into acompetition of piety with his grandfather. For we should not forget thatthe first German Emperor's messages to his wife in the Franco-Prussian Warwere once summed up by Mr. Punch:

 Ten thousand French have gone below; Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. 

_February, 1915_. 

January ended with a knock for the Germans off the Dogger Bank, when the_Blücher_ was sunk by our Battle-Cruiser Squadron:

 They say the _Lion_ and the _Tiger_ sweep Where once the Huns shelled babies from the deep, And _Blücher_, that great cruiser--12-inch guns Roar o'er his head, but cannot break his sleep. 

And now it is the turn of "Johnny Turk, " who has had _his_ knock onthe Suez Canal, and failed to solve the _Riddle of the Sands_ underGerman guidance. Having safely locked up his High Seas Fleet in the KielCanal, the Kaiser has ordered the U-boat blockade of England to begin bythe torpedoing of neutral as well as enemy merchant ships. 

You may know a man by the company he keeps, and the Kaiser's friends arenow the Jolly Roger and Sir Roger Casement. 

Valentine's Day has come and gone. Here are some lines from a damp butundefeated lover in the trenches:

 Though the glittering knight whose charger Bore him on his lady's quest With an infinitely larger Share of warfare's pomp was blest, Yet he offered love no higher, No more difficult to quench, Than the filthy occupier Of this unromantic trench. 

[Illustration: RUNNING AMOK

GERMAN BULL: "I know I'm making a rotten exhibition of myself; but I shalltell everybody I was goaded into it. "]

The fusion of classes in the camps of the New Armies outdoes the mixture of"cook's son and duke's son" fifteen years ago. The old Universities are nowgiven up to a handful of coloured students, Rhodes' scholars and reluctantcrocks. As a set-off, however, a Swansea clergyman and football enthusiasthas held a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune against NewcastleUnited. " Meanwhile, the Under-Secretary for War has stated that the armycosts more in a week than the total estimates for the Waterloo campaign, and that our casualties on the Western front alone have amounted to over100, 000. So what with submarine losses, ubiquitous German spies, the Germanpropaganda in America, and complaints of Government inactivity, thepessimists are having a fine time. Tommy grouses of course, but then hecomplains far more of the loss of a packet of cigarettes or a tin ofpeppermints or a mouth-organ than of the loss of a limb. 

Germany's attitude towards the United States tempers the blandishments ofthe serenader with the occasional discharge of half-bricks. There is nosuch inconsistency in the expression of her feelings about England. Articles entitled "_Unser Hass gegen England_" constantly appear inthe German Press, and people are beginning to wonder whether the_Hass_ is not the Kaiser. Apropos of newspapers, we are beginning toharbour a certain envy of the Americans. Even their provincial organs oftencontain important and cheering news of the doings of the British Army manydays before the Censor releases the information in England. Daylight savingis again being talked of, and it would surely be an enormous boon to rushthe measure through now so that the Germans may have less darkness of whichto take advantage. And there is a general and reasonable feeling that moreuse should be made of bands for recruiting. The ways of German musiciansare perplexing. Here is the amiable Herr Humperdinck, composer of "Hänseland Gretel, " the very embodiment of the old German kindliness, signing theManifesto of patriotic artists and professors who execrate England, whileStrauss, the truculent "Mad Mullah" of the Art, holds aloof. Dr. HansRichter, who enjoyed English hospitality so long, now clamours for ourextinction; it is even said that he has asked to be allowed to conduct a_Parsifal_ airship to this country. 

[Illustration: STUDY OF A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MORNING HATE]

_March, 1915. _

A new and possibly momentous chapter has opened in the history of the Warby the attempt to force the Dardanelles. At the end of February the AlliedFleet bombarded the forts at the entrance, and landed a party ofbluejackets. Since then these naval operations have been resumed, and ournew crack battleship _Queen Elizabeth_ has joined in the attack. Wehave not got through the Narrows, and some sceptical critics are askingwhat we should do if we got through to Constantinople, without a landforce. It is a great scheme, if it comes off; and the "only begetter" ofit, if report is true, is Mr. Winston Churchill, the strategist of theAntwerp expedition, who now aspires to be the Dardanelson of our age. Anyhow, the Sultan, lured on by the Imperial William o' the Wisp, isalready capable of envying even his predecessor:

 Abdul! I would that I had shared your plight, Or Europe seen my heels, Before the hour when Allah bound me tight To WILLIAM'S chariot-wheels!

Germany, always generous with other people's property, has begun to hint toItaly possibilities of compensation in the shape of certain portions ofAustro-Hungarian territory. She has also declared that she is "fighting forthe independence of the small nations, " including, of course, Belgium. Infurther evidence of her humanity she has taken to spraying our soldiers inthe West with flaming petrol and squirting boiling pitch over our Russianallies. It is positively a desecration of the word devil to apply it to theGermans whether on land, on or under water, or in the air. 

We have begun to "push" on the Western front, and Neuve Chapelle has beencaptured, after a fierce battle and at terrible cost. Air raids arebecoming common in East Anglia and U-boats unpleasantly active in the NorthSea. Let us take off our hats to the mine-sweepers and trawlers, the newand splendid auxiliaries of the Royal Navy. Grimsby is indeed a "name toresound for ages" for what its fishermen have done and are doing in the waragainst mine and submarine:

 Soles in the Silver Pit--an' there we'll let 'em lie; Cod on the Dogger--oh, we'll fetch 'em by an' by; War on the water--an' it's time to serve an' die, For there's wild work doin' on the North Sea ground. An' it's "Wake up, Johnnie!" they want you at the trawlin' (With your long sea-boots and your tarry old tarpaulin); All across the bitter seas duty comes a-callin' In the Winter's weather off the North Sea ground. It's well we've learned to laugh at fear--the sea has taught us how; It's well we've shaken hands with death--we'll not be strangers now, With death in every climbin' wave before the trawler's bow, An' the black spawn swimmin' on the North Sea ground. 

[Illustration: WILLIAM O' THE WISP]

These brave men and their heroic brothers in the trenches are truesportsmen as well as patriots, not those who interpret the need oflightheartedness by the cult of "sport as usual" on the football field andthe racecourse. And the example of the Universities shines with the samesplendour. Of the scanty remnant that remain at Oxford and Cambridge allthe physically fit have joined the O. T. C. Boat-race day has passed, but thecrews are gone to "keep it long" and "pull it through" elsewhere:

 Not here their hour of great emprise; No mounting cheer towards Mortlake roars; Lulled to full tide the river lies Unfretted by the fighting oars; The long high toil of strenuous play Serves England elsewhere well to-day. 

London changes daily. The sight of the female Jehu is becoming familiar;the lake in St. James's Park has been drained and the water-fowl driven toform a concentration camp by the sorry pool that remains beside theWhitehall Gate. 

Spy-hunting is prevalent in East Anglia, but the amateurs have not achievedany convincing results. Spring poets are suffering from suspendedanimation; there is a slump in crocuses, snowdrops, daffodils and lambkins. Their "musings always turn away to men who're arming for the fray. " Theclarion and the fife have ousted the pastoral ode. And our military andnaval experts, harassed by the Censor, take refuge in psychology. 

The _Kölnische Zeitung_ has published a whole article on "Mr. Punch. "The writer, a Herr Professor, finds our cartoons lacking in "modestrefinement. " Indeed, he goes so far as to say that the treatment of theKaiser savours of blasphemy. One is so apt to forget that the Kaiser is adivinity, so prone to remember that Luther wrote, "We Germans are Germans, and Germans we will remain--that is to say, pigs and brutish animals. " Thiswas written in 1528: but "the example of the Middle Ages" is held up to-dayby German leaders as the true fount of inspiration. 

[Illustration: THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM

ARDENT EGYPTOLOGIST (who has lately joined the Civic Guard): "No, I seem tohave lost my enthusiasm for this group since I noticed Bes-Hathor-Horus wasout of step with the other two. "]

_April_, 1915. 

A hundred years ago Bismarck was born on April 1, the man who built withblood and iron, but now only the blood remains. Yet one may doubt whethereven that strong and ruthless pilot would have commended the submarine crewwho sank the liner _Falaba_ and laughed at the cries and struggles ofdrowning men and women. Sooner or later these crews are doomed to die thedeath of rats:

 But you, who sent them out to do this shame; From whom they take their orders and their pay; For you--avenging wrath defers its claim, And Justice bides her day. 

The tide of "frightfulness" rolls strong on land as on sea. The secondbattle of Ypres has begun and the enemy has resorted to the use of a newweapon--poison gas. He had already poisoned wells in South West Africa, butthis is an uglier outcome of the harnessing of science to the Powers ofDarkness. Italy grows restive in spite of the blandishments of PrinceBülow, and as the month closes we hear of the landing of the Allies inGallipoli, just two months after the unsupported naval attempt to force theDardanelles. British and Australian and New Zealand troops have achievedthe impossible by incredible valour in face of murderous fire, and afoothold has been won at tremendous cost of heroic lives. Letters from theWestern front continue cheerful, but it does not need much reading betweenthe lines to realise the odds with which our officers and men have tocontend, the endless discomfort and unending din. They are masters of agallant art of metaphor which belittles the most appalling horrors oftrench warfare; masters, too, of the art of extracting humorous relief fromthe most trivial incidents. 

On the home front we have to contend with a dangerous ally of the enemy inDrink, and with the self-advertising politicians who do their bit by askingunnecessary questions. Sometimes, but rarely, they succeed in elicitingvaluable information, as in Mr. Lloyd George's statement on the situationat the front. We have now six times as many men in the field as formed theoriginal Expeditionary Force, and in the few days fighting round NeuveChapelle almost as much ammunition was expended by our guns as in the wholeof the two and three-quarter years of the Boer War. 

[Illustration: THE HAUNTED SHIP

GHOST OF THE OLD PILOT: "I wonder if he would drop me _now!_"]

The Kaiser has been presented with another grandson, but it has not beenbroken to the poor little fellow who he is. It is also reported that theKaiser has bestowed an Iron Cross on a learned pig--one of a very numerousclass. 

_May, 1915_. 

We often think that we must have got to the end of German "frightfulness, "only to have our illusions promptly shattered by some fresh and amazingexplosion of calculated ferocity. Last month it was poison gas; now it isthe sinking of the _Lusitania_. Yet Mr. Punch had read the omens someseven and a half years ago, when the records established by that liner hadcreated a jealousy in Germany which the Kaiser and his agents have nowappeased, but at what a cost! The House of Commons is an odd place, uniquein its characteristics. Looking round the benches when it reassembled onMay 10th, and noting the tone and purport of the inquiries addressed to theFirst Lord, one might well suppose that nothing remarkable had happenedsince Parliament adjourned. The questions were numerous but all practical, and as unemotional as if they referred to outrages by a newly-discoveredrace of fiends in human shape peopling Mars or Saturn. The First Lord, equally undemonstrative, announced that the Board of Trade have ordered aninquiry into the circumstances attending the disaster. Pending the result, it would be premature to discuss the matter. Here we have the sublimationof officialism and national phlegm. Of the 1, 200 victims who went down inthis unarmed passenger ship about 200 were Americans. What will America sayor do?

[Illustration: AN OMEN OF 1908

Reproduced from "Christmas Cards for Celebrities, " in _Mr. Punch'sAlmanack_ of that year]

[Illustration: HAMLET U. S. A. 

SCENE: The Ramparts of the White House. 

PRESIDENT WILSON: "The time is out of joint, O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!"

VOICE OF ROOSEVELT (_off_): "That's so!"]

 In silence you have looked on felon blows, On butcher's work of which the waste lands reek! Now in God's name, from Whom your greatness flows, Sister, will you not speak?

Many unofficial voices have been raised in horror, indignation, and even inloud calls for intervention. The leaven works, but President Wilson, thoughnot unmoved, gives little sign of abandoning his philosophic neutrality. 

In Europe it is otherwise. Italy has declared war on Austria; her peoplehave driven the Government to take the path of freedom and honour and breakthe shackles of Germanism in finance, commerce and politics. 

Italy has not declared war on Germany yet, but the fury of the German Pressis unbounded, and for the moment Germany's overworked Professors of Hatehave focused their energies on the new enemy, and its army of "vagabonds, convicts, ruffians and mandolin-players, " conveniently forgetting that thespirit of Garibaldi is still an animating force, and that the King inheritsthe determination of his grandfather and namesake. 

On the Western front the enemy has been repulsed at Ypres. Lord Kitchenerhas asked for another 300, 000 men, and speaks confidently of our soon beingable to make good the shortage of ammunition. 

On the Eastern front the Grand Duke Nicholas has been forced to giveground; in Gallipoli slow progress is being made at heavy cost on land andsea. The Turk is a redoubtable trench fighter and sniper; the difficultiesof the _terrain_ are indescribable, yet our men continue the epicstruggle with unabated heroism. King Constantine of Greece, improved inhealth, construes his neutrality in terms of ever increasing benevolence tohis brother-in-law the Kaiser. 

[Illustration: (series of six panels) THE REWARD OF KULTUR]

At home the great event has been the formation of a Coalition Government--atwo-handed sword, as we hope, to smite the enemy; while practical peopleregard it rather as a "Coal and Ammunition Government. " The cost of the Waris now Two Millions a day, and a new campaign of Posters and Publicity hasbeen inaugurated to promote recruiting. Volunteers, with scant officialrecognition, continue their training on foot; the Hurst Park brigadecontinue their activities, mainly on rubber wheels. An evening paperannounces:

VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI. 

LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER. 

Mr. Punch is prompted to comment:

 For these our Army does its bit, While they in turn peruse Death's honour-roll (should time permit) After the Betting News. 

More agreeable is the sportsmanship of the trenches, where a correspondenttells of the shooting of a hare and the recovery of the corpse, by areckless Tommy, from the turnip-field which separated our trenches fromthose of Fritz. 

Amongst other signs of the times the emergence of the Spy Play is to benoted, in which the alien enemy within our gates is gloriously confounded. Yet, if a certain section of the Press is to be believed, the dark andsinister operations of the Hidden Hand continue unchecked. 

The Germans as unconscious humorists maintain their supremacy _horsconcours_. A correspondent of the _Cologne Gazette_ was with otherjournalists recently entertained to dinner in a French villa by the CrownPrince Rupprecht of Bavaria. "The party, while dining, " we are told, "talked of the defects of French taste, and Prince Rupprecht said thatFrench houses were full of horrors. " True, O Prince, but the French aredetermined to drive them out. Better still, in the month which witnessedthe sinking of the _Lusitania_ we read this panegyric of the Teuton in_Die Welt_: "Clad in virtue and in peerless nobility of character, unassailed by insidious enemies either within or without, girded about bythe benign influences of Kultur, the German, whether soldier or civilian, pursues his destined way, fearless and serene. "

_June, 1915. _

The weeks that have passed since the sinking of the _Lusitania_ haveleft Germany not merely impenitent but glorying in her crime. "Thedestruction of the _Lusitania_, " says Herr Baumgarten, Professor ofTheology, "should be greeted with jubilation and enthusiastic cheering, andeverybody who does not cheer is no real or true German. " Many harsh thingshave been said of the Germans, but nothing quite so bitter as thissuggestion for a test of nationality. But while Germany jubilates, herGovernment is painfully anxious to explain everything to the satisfactionof America. The conversations between the two Powers are continuous butabortive. President Wilson's dove has returned to him, with the report"Nothing doing, " and the American eagle looks as if he would like to takeon the job. 

Germany has had her first taste of real retaliation in the bombardment ofKarlsruhe by Allied airmen, and is furiously indignant at the attack on an"unfortified and peaceful" town--which happens to be the headquarters ofthe 14th German Army Corps and to contain an important arsenal as well aslarge chemical, engineering and railway works. Also she is very angry withMr. Punch, and has honoured him and other British papers with a solemnwarning. Our performances, it seems, are "diligently noted, so that whenthe day of reckoning arrives we shall know with whom we have to deal, andhow to deal with them effectually. " It is evident that in spite of Italy'sentry into the war the mass of the Germans are still true to their old hateof England. 

[Illustration: ON THE BLACK LIST

KAISER (as executioner): "I'm going to hang you. "

PUNCH: "Oh, you are, are you? Well, you don't seem to know how the sceneends. It's the hangman that gets hanged. "]

[Illustration: SOME BIRD

THE RETURNING DOVE (to President Woodrow Noah):

"Nothing doing. "

THE EAGLE: "Say, Boss, what's the matter with trying me?"]

But Germany does not merely talk. She has been indulging in drasticreprisals in consequence of Mr. Winston Churchill's memorandum on thecaptured submarine crews. As a result 39 imprisoned British officers, carefully selected, have been subjected to solitary confinement underdistressing conditions in return for Mr. Churchill's having hinted atpossible severities which were never carried out. Moral: Do not threatenunless you mean to act. The retirement of Mr. Churchill to the seclusion ofthe Duchy of Lancaster and the appointment of Mr. Balfour to the FirstLordship of the Admiralty afford hope that the release of the Thirty-Ninefrom their special hardship will not be unduly postponed. The CoalitionGovernment is shaking down. A Ministry of Munitions has been created, withMr. Lloyd George in charge; and members of the Cabinet have decided to pooltheir salaries with a view to their being divided equally. Mr. McKenna hasmade his first appearance as Chancellor of the Exchequer and introduced aBill authorising the raising of a War Loan unlimited in extent, but, beinga man of moderate views, will be satisfied if nine hundred millions areforthcoming. Lord Haldane has been succeeded in the Lord Chancellorship byLord Buckmaster, having caused by one unfortunate phrase a completeoblivion of all the services rendered by his creation of the Territorialsystem. The cry for "more men" has now changed to one for "more shells, "and certain newspapers, always in search of a scapegoat, have entered on acampaign directed against Lord Kitchener, the very man whom a few shortmonths ago they hailed as the saviour of the situation. Finding that thepublic cannot live on their hot air, they are doing their best to make ourflesh creep and keep our feet cold. Let us hope that K. Of K. Will find theGarter some slight protection against this hitting below the belt. 

The Russian retreat continues, but there is no _débâcle. _ Greece showssigns of returning sanity in the restoration to power of her one strongman, M. Venizelos. If there were a few more like him then (to adapt Porson)"the Germanised Greek would be sadly to seek. " As it is, he flourishesexceedingly, under the patronage of a Prussianised Court. 

In Gallipoli the deadly struggle goes on; our foothold has beenstrengthened by bitter fighting and our lines pushed forward for threemiles by a few hundred yards--a big advance in modern trench warfare. Blazing heat and a plague of flies add to the discomforts of our men, but anew glory has been added to the ever growing vocabulary of the war in"Anzac. " There is a lull on the Western front, if such a word properly canbe applied to the ceaseless activities of the war of position, of daily_strafe_ and counter-_strafe_. 

At home, khaki weddings are becoming common form. By an inversion of theold order the bride is now eclipsed by the bridegroom:

 'Tis well: the lack of fine array Best fits a sacrificial altar; Her man to-morrow joins the fray, And yet she does not falter; Simple her gown, but still we see The bride in all her bravery. 

Society is losing much of its snap through the political truce. It is allvery well to talk of the lion lying down with the lamb, but of course itmakes life a distinctly duller business both for the lion and the lamb wheneach has lost his or her dearest enemy. For the rest, there is a brisktrade in anti-gas respirators, "lonely soldiers" are becoming victimised byfair correspondents, and a new day has been added to the week--flag day. 

Proverb for the month, suggested by the activities of the Imperialinfanticide: "The hand that wrecks the cradle rules the world. "

_July, 1915_. 

The last month of the first year of the war brings no promise of a speedyend; it is not a month of great battles on land or sea, but rather of omensand foreshadowings, good and evil. To the omens of victory belongs thesinking of the _Pommern_, named after the great maritime province, solong coveted by the Brandenburgers, the makers of Prussia and the truebegetters of Prussianism. Of good omen, too, has been the "clean sweep"made by General Botha in German South-West Africa, where the enemysurrendered unconditionally on July 9. And though the menace of the U-boatgrows daily, there _may_ be limits to America's seeminglyinexhaustible forbearance. There are happily none to the fortitude of ourbluejackets and trawlers. 

Pundits in the Press, fortified by warnings from generals in various HomeCommands, display an increasing preoccupation with the likelihood ofinvasion by sea. Mr. Punch naturally inclines to a sceptical attitude, swayed by long adherence to the views of the Blue Water School and theincredulousness of correspondents engaged in guarding likely spots on theEast Coast. With runaway raids by sea we are already acquainted, and theirgrowing frequency from the air is responsible for various suggestedprecautions, official and otherwise--pails of sand and masks andanti-asphyxiation mixtures--which are not viewed with much sympathy in thetrenches. _There_ the men meet the most disconcerting situations--as, for example, the problem of spending a night in a flooded meadow occupiedby a thunderstorm--with irrelevant songs or fantasias on the mouth-organ. 

[Illustration: FIRST TRAWLER SKIPPER (to friend who is due to sail by nexttide): "Are ye takin' any precautions against these submarines, Jock?"

SECOND SKIPPER: "Ay! Although I've been in the habit o' carryin' my bits ofbawbees wi' me, I went an' bankit them this mornin', an' I'm no taking mabest oilskins or ma new seaboots. "

FIRST SKIPPER; "Oh, _you're_ a'richt then. Ye'll hae practicallynothin' tae lose but yer life. "]

 Oh, there ain't no band to cheer us up, there ain't no Highland pipers To keep our warlike ardure warm round New Chapelle and Wipers, So--since there's nothing like a tune to glad the 'eart o' man, Why Billy with his mouth-organ 'e does the best 'e can. 

 Wet, 'ungry, thirsty, 'ot or cold, whatever may betide 'im, 'E'll play upon the 'ob of 'ell while the breath is left inside 'im; And when we march up Potsdam Street, and goose-step through Berlin, Why Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e'll play the Army in!

[Illustration: THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA

SINBAD THE KAISER: "This submarine business is going to get me into troublewith America; but what can an All-Powerful do with a thing like this on hisback?"]

When officers come home on leave and find England standing where she did, their views support the weather-beaten major who said that it was "worthgoing to a little trouble and expense to keep _that_ intact. " But youcan hardly expect people who live in trenches which have had to be rebuilttwice daily for the last few months and are shelled at all hours of the dayor night, to compassionate the occasional trials of the home-keepingbomb-dodger. The war, as it goes on, seems to bring out the best and theworst that is in us. South Wales responded loyally to the call forrecruits, yet 200, 000 miners are affected by the strike fever. 

The House, where party strife for a brief space was hushed by mutualconsent, is now devastated by the energies of indiscreet, importunate, egotistic or frankly disloyal question-mongers. We want a censorship ofParliamentary Reports. The Press Bureau withholds records of shiningcourage at the front lest they should enlighten the enemy, but gives fullpublicity to those

 Who give us words in lieu of deeds, Content to blather while their country bleeds. 

There is, however, some excuse for those importunates who wish to know onwhat authority the Premier declared at Newcastle that neither our Alliesnor ourselves have been hampered by an insufficient supply of munitions. Intwo months' fighting in Gallipoli our casualties have largely exceededthose sustained by us during the whole of the Boer War. And financialpurists may be pardoned for their protests against extravagant expenditurein view of the announcement that the war is now costing well over threemillions daily. The idea of National Registration has taken shape in aBill, which has passed its second reading. The notion of finding out whateveryone can do to help his country in her hour of need is excellent. Butthe Government do not seem to have realised that half a million volunteersoldiers have been waiting and ready for a job for the last six months:

 And when at last you come and say "What can you do? We ask for light On any service you can pay, " The answer is: "_You_ know all right, And all this weary while you knew it; The trouble was you wouldn't let us do it. "

The German Press is not exactly the place where one expects to findoccasion for merriment. Yet listen to this from the _NeuesteNachrichten_: "Our foes ask themselves continuously, How can we best getat Germany's vital parts? What are her most vulnerable points? The answeris, her humanity--her trustful honesty. " Here, on the other hand, thousandsof people, by knocking months and years off their real age, have beentelling good straightforward lies for their country. At the Front euphemismin describing hardship is mingled with circumlocution in officialterminology. Thus one C. O. Is reported to refer to the enemy not as Germansbut "militant bodies of composite Teutonic origin. "

A new and effectual cure for the conversion of pessimists at home has beendiscovered. It is simply to out-do the prophets of ill at their own game. The result is that they seek you out to tell you that an enemy submarinehas been sunk off the Scillies or that the Crown Prince is in the Tower. Itis the old story that optimists are those who have been associating withpessimists and _vice versâ_. But seriousness is spreading. We are toldthat even actresses are now being photographed with their mouths shut, though one would have thought that at such a time all Britishsubjects--especially the "Odolisques" of the variety stage--ought to showtheir teeth. 

_August_, 1915. 

Ordinary anniversaries lead to retrospect: after a year of the greatest ofall wars it is natural to indulge in a stock-taking of the national spirit, and comforting to find that, in spite of disillusions and disappointments, the alternation of exultations and agonies, the soul of the fighting men ofEngland remains unshaken and unconquerable. Three of the Great Powers ofEurope espoused the cause of Liberty a year ago; now there are four, andthe aid of Italy in engaging and detaching large Austrian forces enables usto contemplate with greater equanimity a month of continuous Russianwithdrawal, and the tragic loss of Warsaw and the great fortresses ofNovo-Georgievsk and Brest-Litovsk. And if there is no outward sign of theawakening of Germany, no slackening in frightfulness, no abatement in theblasphemous and overweening confidence of her Ruler and his War-lords whocan tell whether they have not moments of self-distrust?

 * * * * *

THE WAYSIDE CALVARY. August 4th, 1915. 

 Now with the full year Memory holds her tryst, Heavy with such a tale of bitter loss As never Earth has suffered since the Christ Hung for us on the Cross. 

 If God, O Kaiser, makes the vision plain; Gives you on some lone Calvary to see The Man of Sorrows Who endured the pain And died to set us free--

 How will you face beneath its crown of thorn That figure stark against the smoking skies, The arms outstretched, the sacred head forlorn, And those reproachful eyes?

 How dare confront the false quest with the true, Or think what gulfs between the ideals lie Of Him Who died that men may live--and you Who live that man may die?

 Ah, turn your eyes away; He reads your heart; Pass on and, having done your work abhorred, Join hands with JUDAS in his place apart, You who betrayed your Lord. 

 * * * * *

It is the way of modern war that we know little of what is going on, leastof all on sea. Some of our sailormen have had their chance in theHeligoland Bight, off the Dogger Bank and Falkland Isles, and in theDardanelles. It is well that we should remember what we owe to the patientvigil of their less fortunate comrades, the officers and men of the GrandFleet, and to the indefatigable and ubiquitous activities of the shipsofficially classified as "Light Cruisers (Old)":

[Illustration: AFTER ONE YEAR]

 From Pole unto Pole, all the oceans between, Patrolling, protecting, unwearied, unseen, By night or by noonday, the Navy is there, And the out-of-date cruisers are doing their share, The creaky old cruisers whose day is not done, Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one. 

At any rate, we know for certain that British submarines have made theirway into the Baltic, a "sea change" extremely disquieting to the Germans, who, for the rest, have suffered in a naval scrap in the Gulf of Riga withthe Russians. On the Western front our troops are suffering from twoplagues--large shells and little flies. These troubles have not preventedthem from scoring a small though costly success at Hooge. From Gallipolicomes the news of fresh deeds of amazing heroism at Suvla Bay and Anzac. 

The war of Notes goes on with unabated energy between Germany and theU. S. A. At home a brief period has been set to the pernicious activities ofimportunate inquisitors by the adjournment of the House till mid-September. "Dr. Punch" is of opinion that the Mother of Parliaments is sorely in needof a rest and needs every hour of a seven weeks' holiday. In the Thriftcampaign, which has now set in, everybody expects that everybody elseshould do his duty; and the universal eruption of posters imploring us tosubscribe to the War Loan indicates the emergence of a new Art--that ofGovernment by advertisement. To the obvious appeals to duty, patriotism, conscience, appeals to shame, appeals romantic and even facetious are nowadded. It may be necessary, but the method is not dignified. All that canbe said is that "Govertisement, " or government by advertisement, is betterthan Government by the Press, a new terror with which we are dailythreatened. 

Mr. Winston Churchill, the greatest of our quick-change political artists, is said to be devoting his leisure to landscape painting. The particularschool that he favours is not publicly stated, but we have reason tobelieve that he intends to be a Leader. 

The Archbishop of Cologne says that, on being congratulated on his Easternsuccesses, the Kaiser "turned his eyes to heaven with the mostindescribable expression of intense gratitude and religious fervour. " Yes, we can quite imagine that it beggared description. But there is nodifficulty in finding the right phrase for his address to the inhabitantsof Warsaw: "We wage war only against hostile troops, not against peacefulcitizens. " It is not "_splendide mendax_. " That is the due of boys whooverstate, and men who understate, their age in order to serve theircountry in the field. 

[Illustration: OFFICER (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get takenon as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen): "Do you know where boys gowho tell lies?"

APPLICANT: "To the Front, sir. "]

A correspondent reminds Mr. Punch that four years ago he wrote as follows:"Lord Haldane, in defending the Territorials, declared that he expects tobe dead before any political party seriously suggests compulsory militaryservice. We understand that, since making this statement, our War Ministerhas received a number of telegrams from Germany wishing him long life. " Butwe suspect that when he said dead he meant politically dead. Still, we oweLord Haldane the Territorials, and they are doing great work in Europe andmost valuable, if thankless, work in India. As "One of the _Punch_brigade" writes: "The hearts of very few of the Territorials nowgarrisoning India are in their work, though, of course, we know thatactually it is essential duty we are performing. " "They also serve, " whopatiently endure the dull routine of existence largely spent in a stiflingfort on the blistering and dust-swept plains, and find relief in thesmallest incident that breaks the monotony. As, for example, when aquartermaster-sergeant was held up by a native guard at a bridge, and, ondemanding an explanation, had his attention directed to the notices on thewall, "Elephants and traction engines are not allowed to cross thisbridge. "

_September, 1915_. 

The Tsar has succeeded the Grand Nicholas as Generalissimo of his armies, and the great Russian retreat has ended. Yet it would be rash to say thatthe one event has caused the other. Lord Kitchener's statement that on theEastern front the Germans had "almost shot their last bolt" is a bettersummary, and when we reflect on their enormous superiority in artillery andequipment, that is a great tribute to the strategy of the Grand Duke inconducting the most difficult retreat of modern times. Germany, though amistress of the entire alphabet of frightfulness, is making increasing playwith the _U_'s and _Z_'s, and Admiral Percy Scott, who predictedthe dangers of the former, is now entrusted with the task of coping withthe latter menace. 

Five months have elapsed since the sinking of the _Lusitania_ and thepro-German campaign in the United States is more active than ever, thanksto the untiring efforts of Count Bernstorff and his worthy ally, Dr. Dumba, in promoting strikes and _sabotage_; but President Wilson, "Le GrandPenseur, " declines to be rushed by the interventionists, and is giving hisdetached consideration to the "concessions" of the German Government inregard to submarine warfare. But three thousand miles of ocean no longerkeep America free from strife. The enemy is within her gates, plotting, spying and bribing. The lesser neutrals in Europe find it harder todissemble their sympathies, but Ferdinand of Bulgaria maintains a vulpineinscrutability. 

[Illustration: THE UNSINKABLE TIRP

GERMAN CHANCELLOR: "Well, thank Heaven, that's the last of Tirpitz. "

TIRPITZ (reappearing): "I don't think!"]

By way of a sidelight on what happens on the Western front, a woundedofficer sends a characteristic account of his experiences after "going overthe top" at 3 A. M. "The first remark, as distinct from a shout that I heardafter leaving our parapet, came from Private Henry, my most notoriousmalefactor. As the first attempt at a wire entanglement in our new positionwent heavenward ten seconds after its emplacement, and a big tree just toour right collapsed suddenly like a dying pig, he turned round with a grin, observing: 'Well, sir, we _do_ see a bit of life, if we _don't_make money. ' I never saw a man all day who hadn't a grin ready when youpassed, and a bit of a _riposte_ if you passed the time of day withhim. " Our officers only think of their men, and the men of their officers. In Gallipoli our soldiers have discovered a new method of annoying theTurk:

 We go and bathe, in shameless scores Beneath his baleful een, Disrobe, unscathed, on sacred shores And wallow in between; Nor does a soldier then assume His university costume, And though it makes the Faithful fume, It makes the Faithless clean. 

The return of the wounded to England is marked by strange incidents, pathetic and humorous. Thus it has been reserved for an officer, reporteddead in the casualty list, to ring up his people on the telephone andcorrect "this silly story about my being killed. " And the cheerfulness ofthe limbless men in blue is something wonderful. They "jest at scars, " butnot because they "never felt a wound. " It is a high privilege to entertainthese light-hearted heroes, one of whom recently presented his partner in alawn tennis match with a fragment of shell taken direct from his"stummick. " And the recipient rightly treasures it as a love-token. 

Parliament has reassembled, the inquisitors returning (unhappily) likegiants refreshed after their holiday. But they sometimes contribute to ouramusement, as when one relentless and complacent critic declared that, onthe matter of conscription, he should himself "prefer to be guided--verylargely--by Lord Kitchener. " The concession is something. Most of theimportunate questionists are on the other side:

 "Take from us any joys you like, " they cry; "We'd bear the loss, however much we missed 'em; Let truth and justice, fame and honour die, But spare, O spare, our Voluntary System!"

Amongst other signs of the times the increase of girl gardeners and thesacrifice of flower beds to vegetables are to be noted. But War changes aresometimes disconcerting, even when they are most salutary. For example, there is the _cri de coeur_ of a passenger on a Clydebank tramcar inGlasgow on Saturday night, with a lady conductor: "I canna jist bottomthis, Tam. It's Seterday nicht an' this is the Clydebank caur, an' there'snaebody singin' an' naebody fechtin' wi' the conductor. " Liquor controlevidently does mean something. 

[Illustration: A HANDY MAN

MARINE;(somewhat late for parade): "At six o'clock I was a bloomin''ousemaid: at seven o'clock I was a bloomin' valet; at eight o'clock I wasa bloomin' waiter; an' _now_ I'm a bloomin' soldier!"]

The War vocabulary grows and grows. "Pipsqueaks, " "crumps" and "JackJohnsons, " picturesque equivalents for unpleasant things, have long beenfamiliar even to arm-chair experts. The strangely named "Archie, " and"Pacifist, " the dismay of scholars--a word "mean as what it's meant tomean"--now come to be added to the list. A new and admirable explanation ofthe R. F. A. , "Ready for anyfink, " is attributed to a street Arab. Ourchildren are mostly lapped in blissful ignorance, but their comments areoften illuminating. As, for instance, the suggestion of a small child askedto give her idea of a suitable future for Germany and the Kaiser: "Afterthe war I wouldn't let Heligoland belong to anybody. I would put theGermans there, and they should dig and dig and dig until it was all duginto the sea. The Kaiser should be sent to America, and they should be asrude as they liked to him. If he went in a train no one was to offer him aseat; he was to hang on to a strap, and he is to be called Mr. Smith. "Cooks are being bribed to stay by the gift of War Bonds. Smart fashionablesare flocking to munition works, and some of them sometimes are notunnaturally growing almost frightened at the organising talents they aredeveloping. So are other people. 

A vigorous campaign against flies has been initiated by the journal whichdescribes itself as "that paper which gets things done. " Nothing is toosmall for it. Meanwhile it is announced that "Lord Northcliffe istravelling and will be beyond the reach of correspondence until the end ofnext week. " Even he must have an occasional rest from his daily mail. 

We have to apologise for any suggestion to the effect that the Huns aredevoid of humour. The German Society for the Protection and Preservation ofMonuments has held a meeting in Brussels and expressed its thanks to theGerman Military Authorities for the care they had taken of the Monuments inBelgium. The function ended with an excursion to Louvain, where thedelegates, no doubt, enjoyed a happy hour in the Library. 

_October, 1915_. 

September ended with the Western front once more ablaze, with bitterfighting at Loos and a great French offensive in Champagne. With Octoberthe focus of interest and anxiety shifts to the Balkans. Austrian armies, stiffened with Germans, have again invaded Serbia and again occupiedBelgrade. The Allies have landed at Salonika, and Ferdinand of Bulgaria hasdeclared war on Serbia. Thus a new theatre of war has been opened, andthough it is well to be rid of a treacherous neutral, the conflict enterson a fresh and formidable phase. When Ferdinand went to Bulgaria he is saidto have resolved that if ever there were to be any assassinations he wouldbe on the side of the assassins. He has been true to his word ever sincethe removal of Stamboloff:

 Here stands the Moslem with his brutal sword Still red and reeking with Armenia's slaughter; Here, fresh from Belgium's wastes, the Christian Lord, His heart unsated by the wrong he wrought her; And you between them, on your brother's track, Sworn, for a bribe, to stick him in the back. 

France and England have declared their intention of rendering all possiblehelp to Serbia in her new ordeal, but Greece, false to her treaty withSerbia, and dominated by a pro-German Court and Government, hampers us atevery turn. "'Tis Greece, but living Greece no more. " So Byron sang, and aByron _de nos jours_ adds a new stanza to his appeal:

 Lo, a new curse--the Teuton bane! Again rings out the trumpet call; France, England, Russia, joined again, For freedom fight, for Greece, for all; And Greece--shall she that call ignore? Then is she living Greece no more!

Life in the trenches grows more strenuous as the output of high explosiveincreases, and the daily toll of our best and bravest makes grievousreading for the elders at home, "who linger here and droop beneath theheavy burden of our years, " though many of them cheerfully undertake thethankless fatigues of guarding the King's highway as specials. But lettersfrom the front still show the same genius for making light of hardship anddeadly peril, the same happy gift of extracting amusement from trivialincidents. So those who spend their days and nights under heavy shell fireand heavy rain write to tell you that "tea is the dominating factor ofwar, " or that "the mushrooming and ratting in their latest quarters" aresatisfactory. And even the wounded, in comparing the hazards of London withthose at the front, only indulge in mild irony at the expense of the"staunch dare-devil souls who stay at home. "

In Parliament Sir Edward Carson has explained the reasons of hisresignation of office--his difference from his colleagues in thedifficulties arising in the Eastern theatre of war; and a resolution hasbeen placed on the order-book proposing the appointment of a Committee ofInquiry on the Dardanelles campaign. No abatement of the plague ofquestions is yet noticeable, but some slight excuse may be found for the"ragging" of the Censor. This anonymous worthy, it appears, recentlyexcised the words "and the Kings" from the well-known line in Mr. Kipling's"Recessional":

 The Captains and the Kings depart. 

Apparently the Censor cannot admit any reference to the movements ofroyalty. 

[Illustration: REALISATION

("When I went to Bulgaria I resolved that if there were to be anyassassinations I would be on the side of the assassins. "STATEMENT BY FERDINAND. )]

When the Kaiser was at Windsor in 1891 he told the Eton College Volunteershe was glad to see so many of them taking an interest in the study of arms, and hoped that if ever they had to draw their swords in earnest they woulduse them to some purpose for their country. Now that there are threethousand Etonians at the front he is beginning to be sorry he spoke. TheKaiser, by his own confession, is sorry in another way. He has told aSocialist deputy, "with tears in his eyes, " that he was sincerely sorry forFrance, which was "the greatest disappointment of his life. " Evencrocodiles sometimes speak the truth unwittingly. Meanwhile the Hamburg_Fremdenblatt_ asserts that, "We Germans would gladly follow theKaiser's lead through the very gates of hell, were it necessary. " Thequalification is surely superfluous, in the light of the murder of theheroic English hospital matron, Edith Cavell, at Brussels on October 12. Her life was one long act of mercy. She died with unshaken fortitude afterthe mockery of a trial on a charge of having assisted fugitive British andBelgian prisoners to escape. But her great offence was that she wasEnglish. The names of her chief assassins are General Baron von Biasing, the Governor of Brussels, General von Sauberschweig, the Military Governor, and the Baron von der Lancken, the Head of the Political Department. Manyyears will pass before the echoes of that volley fired at dawn in aBrussels prison yard will die away. 

[Illustration: LANDLADY; "'Ere's the Zeppelins, sir!" LODGER: "Right-o! Put'em down outside. "]

A new phase has been reached in the Conscription controversy, and theburning question appears to be whether the necessary men are to becompelled to volunteer or persuaded to be compulsorily enrolled. One of ournovelist military experts, who is not always lucky with figures, though hethoroughly enjoys them, is alleged to have discovered that there are nomore men than can be raised by conscription, but that the same does not, ofcourse, apply to the voluntary system. 

The _Daily Mail_ asks, "Have we a Foreign Office?" We understand thata search-party is going carefully through Carmelite House. We havecertainly got a Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, so efficient in thedischarge of his duties that he has made himself an accomplished landscapepainter in three months. 

A visitor to a remote East Anglian village in search of rest has foundrecreation in discussing with the inhabitants the Great War, of which hefound some of them had heard. "Them there Zett'lins, " said one old woman, "I almost shruk as I heerd the mucky varmints a-shovellin' on thecoals--dare, dare! How my pore heart did beat!" And an onlooker, who hadseen a bomb drop near a church, informed the visitor that it "fared to himlike the body of the chach a-floatin' away--that it did and all! It made aclangin' like a covey of lorries with their innards broke loose. " Anotherinhabitant said that he had two boys fighting. "One on 'em is in France, wherever that might be, and Jimmy's in that hare old Dardelles. " Hecouldn't rightly say when the elder had gone out, "but it might be a yareago come muck-spreadin'. "

_November_, 1915. 

More money and more men is still the cry. The war is now costing fivemillions a day, and the new vote of credit for £400, 000, 000 will only carryus on till the middle of February. This is "Derby's Day, " and the newDirector of Recruiting inspires confidence in his ability to make good, inspite of the Jeremiads of Lord Courtney and Lord Loreburn. The lot of aCoalition Government is never easy, and public opinion clamours not forJeremiahs but for Jonahs to lighten the Ship of State. Mr. WinstonChurchill, wearying of his sinecure at the Duchy of Lancaster, has resignedoffice, explained himself in a long speech, and rejoined his regiment atthe Western front. Lord Fisher, whose doubts and hesitations about theDardanelles expedition were referred to by the late First Lord, has beencontent to leave his record of sixty-one years' service in the hands of hiscountrymen. In the briefest maiden speech ever delivered in either House hestated that it was "unfitting to make personal explanations affecting thenational interest when my country is in the midst of a great war. " Here atleast the traditions of the "Silent Service" have been worthily maintained, just as they are maintained by the Port Officer R. N. R. At an Orientalseaport, a thousand miles from the front, out of the limelight, with nochance of glory, with fever from morn till night, who "worries along by thegrace of God and the blessing of cheap cheroots. "

In Flanders the rain has begun its winter session, and, as a militaryhumorist put it, trench warfare is becoming a constant drain. The problemof parapet mending has been reduced to arithmetical form _à la_Colenso, as follows: "If two inches of rain per diem brings down onequarter of a company's parapet, and one company, working about twenty-sixhours per diem, can revet one-eighth of a company's parapet, how long willyour trenches last--given the additional premisses that no revetments tospeak of are to be had, and that two inches of rain is only a minimumration?" The infantryman finds the men of the R. F. C. Interesting andstimulating companions. "These airy fellows talk of war as if it were aday's shooting, and they the cock pheasants with the best of the fun upaloft. Upon my word, the hen who hatched such birds should be a proud, ifanxious, mother. " The same correspondent sends a pleasant account of themutual estimates of French and English, prompted by their experiences asbrothers in arms. "Our idea of our Ally as a soldier is that his_élan_ and gay courage are very much more remarkable even thansupposed; but for the dull, heavy work of continued warfare there iswanted, if we may say so without offence, the more stolid qualities of theEnglish. On the other hand, the French opinion of their Ally as a soldieris that his dash and devilment are really astonishing, even to the mostexpectant critic; but for the sordid, monotonous strain of this trenchbusiness it needs (a thousand pardons!) the duller persistence of theFrench. "

[Illustration: THE PERSUADING OF TINO]

In Greece the quick change of Premiers proceeds with kaleidoscopicrapidity. The attitude of the successive Prime Ministers has been describedas (1) Tender and affectionate neutrality toward the Entente Powers; (2)Malevolent impartiality toward the Central Powers; (3) Inert cupiditytoward all the belligerent Powers; (4) Genial inability; (5) Strictpusillanimity. 

Lord Milner has gone so far in the House of Lords as to say that "such warnews as is published has from first to last been seriously misleading. " TheBalkan intelligence that is allowed to reach us does not exactly deservethis censure. To call it misleading would be too high praise; it seldomrises beyond a level of blameless irrelevance. It is hardly a burlesque ofthe facts to say that a cable from Amsterdam informs us that the Copenhagencorrespondent of the _Echo de Paris_ learns from Salonika, _viâ_Lemnos and Nijni Novgorod, that in high official circles in Bukarest it isrumoured that in Constantinople the situation is considered grave; and thenwe are warned that too much credence must not be given to this report. Thenumber of Censors at the Press Bureau being exactly forty, and their minuteknowledge of English literature having been displayed on several occasions, it is said that Sir John Simon contemplates their incorporation as anAcademy of "Immortals--for the duration of the War. "

[Illustration: PADDY (who has had his periscope smashed by a bullet): "Surethere's seven years' bad luck for the poor devil that broke that, anyhow. "]

Mr. Punch's Correspondent "Blanche" sends distressing details of some ofthe new complaints contracted by smart war workers. These includemunition-wrists, shell-makers' crouch, neuro-committee-itis, andZeppelin-eye through looking up into the sky too long with a telescope. 

A great deal depends on what you look at and what you look through. ThusMr. Walter Long says that when he reads carping criticisms upon the conductof the War he looks through his window at the people in the street and isalways surprised to see the quiet steadfast manner in which they are goingabout their business. It is a good plan, but not always successful. TheKaiser got his view of the Irish people through a Casement, and it wasentirely erroneous. 

The _Cologne Gazette_ has stated that "there is in England no realsoldiers' humour such as we have. " Certainly we have nothing like it, though we confess to preferring the home-grown brand. 

_December, 1915_

Kut and Ctesiphon, Ctesiphon and Kut. Thus may the events of the last monthin Mesopotamia, no longer a "blessed word, " be expressed in a bald formula, which takes no account of the unavailing heroism of General Townshend'ssmall but splendid force. Things have not been going well in the East. TheAllies have been unable to save Serbia, Monastir has fallen, and our lineshave been withdrawn to Salonika. The experts are now divided into twocamps, the Westerners and the Easterners, and the former, pointing to theevacuation of Gallipoli, are loud in their denunciations of costly"side-shows, " and the folly of strengthening Germany's hold on Turkey bykilling out the Turks, instead of concentrating all our forces on killingthe Germans on the Western front. The time is not yet come to decide whichis right. But all are agreed with the British officer who described theAustralian soldier at Gallipoli as "the bravest thing God ever made, " andso prompted these lines:

 Bravest, where half a world of men Are brave beyond all earth's rewards, So stoutly none shall charge again Till the last breaking of the swords; Wounded or hale, won home from war, Or yonder by the Lone Pine laid; Give him his due for evermore-- "The bravest thing God ever made!"

Though the wings of the angel of Peace cannot be heard, peace kite-flyinghas already begun in Vienna, but Germany is anxious to represent it asunauthorised and improper. Mr. Henry Ford's voyage to Europe on the_Oscar II_ with a strangely assorted group of Pacificists does morecredit to his heart than his head, and the conflicting elements in hisparty have earned for his ship the name of "The Tug of Peace. " Anyhow, England is taking no risks on the strength of these irregular "overtures. "A vote has been passed for a further increase of our "contemptible littleArmy" to four millions; and the manufacture of high explosive goes on in anever-increasing ratio. Sir Douglas Haig has succeeded Sir John French asCommander-in-Chief of our Armies in France; Sir William Robertson is thenew Chief of Staff--Scotsmen both of the finest type--and the appointmentsare universally approved, even by the _Daily Mail_. The temper of themen in France is well hit off by an officer when he says that "Atkins isreally best when an ordinary mortal might be contemplating suicide ordesertion. " And officers arriving on leave at Victoria at 2 A. M. Are drivento the conclusion that they are sent back to England from time to time tocheck their optimism, which at the front survives even being sent toso-called rest camps in the middle of a malodorous marsh for nine hours'military training _per diem_. The "philosophy of Thomas" isinscrutable, but no doubt he derives satisfaction from comparisons:

 If we're standin' in two foot o' water, you see Quite likely the Boches are standin' in three; An' though the keen frost may be ticklin' our toes, 'Oo doubts that the Boches' 'ole bodies is froze?

 So 'ere's our philosophy, simple an' plain: Wotever we 'ates in the bloomin' campaign, 'Tis balm to our souls, as we grumble an' cuss, To feel that the Boches are 'atin' it wuss. 

Hardest of all is the lot of the trooper in the trenches, who "thinks allday and dreams all night of a slap-bang, tally-ho! open fight, " but for thetime being "like a blinded mole toils in a furrow and lives in a hole. "

[Illustration: AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION

THE KAISER (to Austrian Emperor): "Franz! Franz! I'm surprised andpained. "]

The National Thrift campaign is carried on with great earnestness inParliament. Luxury, waste, unnecessary banquets, high legal salaries haveall come under the lash of the economy hunters. Of the maxim that "Charitybegins, at home, " they have, however, so far shown no appreciation beyondabstaining from voting any addition to their salary of £400 a year. Mr. Asquith's announcement that he takes his salary, and is going to continuetaking it, has naturally lifted a great weight from the minds of thesevicarious champions of economy. 

[Illustration: TOMMY (finding a German prisoner who speaks English): "Lookwhat you done to me, you blighters! 'Ere--'ave a cigarette?"]

Evidence of the chastened condition of the enemy is to be found in thestatement on the official notepaper of Wolff's Telegraphic Bureau "that itassumes no responsibility of any kind for the accuracy of the news which itcirculates. " But there is no confirmation of the report that its dispatcheswill in future be known as "Lamb's Tales. " The German Imperial Chancellorhas replied to an appeal from a deputation of German Roman Catholics onbehalf of the Armenians that "The German Government, in friendlycommunication with the Turkish Government, has been at constant pains tobetter the situation of Turkey's Christian subjects. " Thanks to thisfriendly intervention, more than half a million Armenians will never sufferagain from Turkish misrule. 

Mr. Roosevelt has added to the picturesqueness of political invective bydescribing Mr. Wilson's last Presidential message as "worthy of a Byzantinelogothete. " It is not often that one finds a rough-rider and ex-cowboy whois able to tackle a don in his own lingo. But Tommy at the front manages toconverse with the _poilu_ without any vocabulary at all:

 I met a chap the other day a-roostin' in a trench, 'E didn't know a word of ours nor me a word of French, An' 'ow it was we managed--well, I cannot understand, But I never used the phrase-book, though I 'ad it in my hand. 

 I winked at 'im to start with; 'e grinned from ear to ear; An' 'e says "Tipperary, " an' I says "Sooveneer"; 'E 'ad my only Woodbine, I 'ad 'is thin cigar, Which set the ball a-rollin', an' so--well, there you are!

 I showed 'im next my wife an' kids, 'e up an' showed me 'is, Them funny little Frenchy kids with 'air all in a frizz; "Annette, " 'e says, "Louise, " 'e says, an' 'is tears began to fall; We was comrades when we parted, but we'd 'ardly spoke at all. 

_January, 1916_. 

The New Year brings us a mixed bag of tricks, good and bad. Our armies growin numbers and efficiency, in men and munitions. The new Commander-in-Chiefon the Western front, and his new Chief of Staff, inspire confidence in allranks, combatant and non-combatant. John Ward, the Labour Member, hithertoa strong opponent of conscription, and now a full-blown Colonel, hashurried over from the front to defend the Compulsory Service Bill in amanly and animated speech, and the Bill, despite the "Pringling" andpacificism of a small but local minority, has passed through Committee. 

Against these encouraging omens we have to set the complete evacuation ofGallipoli, the scene of unparalleled heroism and unavailing sacrifice, thefall of Monastir, the overrunning of Serbia, labour troubles on the Clyde, and the ignominious exemption of Ireland from the Military Service Bill. General Townshend, _rebus angustis animosus_--"in a tight place butfull of beans"--is besieged in Kut, and the relieving forces have not beenable to dislodge the Turks. Climate and weather and _terrain_ are allagainst us. 

Humanitarian Pacificists are much impressed by Germany's piteouslamentations over the brutality of the blockade. In these appeals toAmerica optimists detect signs of cracking. Cooler observers explain themas evidence of her policy of shamming dead. 

English mothers who have lost their only sons cannot be expected to showsympathy for an Emperor who combines the professions of a Jekyll with theferocity of a Hyde. Yet few of them would rewrite the record of these shortlives; their pride is greater than their pain. 

While the daily toll of life is heavy, War, shorn of its pomp andpageantry, drags wearily in the trenches. The Lovelace of to-day is atroglodyte, biding his time patiently, but often a prey to _ennui_. This is how he writes to Lucasta to correct the portrait painted by herfancy:

 Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp. His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp; Across the landscape, soaked and sad, the dull guns answer back, And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack. 

 The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels; The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals; We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well. 

 So when you feel for us out here--as well I know you will-- Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still; Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored, But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored. 

[Illustration:

FOR NEUTRALS

"Why do we torpedo passenger ships? Because we are being starved by theinfamous English. "

FOR NATIVES

"Who says we are in distress? Look what our splendid organisation isdoing. "]

Small wonder that Lovelace in the trenches envies the Flying Man:

 He rides aloof on god-like wings, Taking no thought of wire or mud, Saps, smells, or bugs--the mundane things That sour our lives and have our blood. 

 The roads we trudged with feet of lead, The shadows of his pinions skim; The river where we piled our dead Is but a silver thread to him. 

Lovelace in the air might tell another story; but both are at one withtheir prototype in the spirit which made him say: "I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honour more, " though neither of them would sayit. 

In this context one may add that the Flying Men are not alone in excitingenvy. Bread is the staff of life, and in the view of certain officers inthe trenches the life of the Staff is one long loaf. 

The discussion on the withdrawal of Members' salaries has died down. Theincident is now buried, and here is its epitaph:

 Some three-score years or so ago six hundred gallant men Made a charge that cost old England dear; they lost four hundred then: To-day six hundred make a charge that costs the country dear, But now they take four hundred each--four hundred pounds a year. 

Our journalists have been visiting the Fleet, and one of them, in a burstof candour tempered with caution, declares that "one would like to describemuch more than one has seen, but that is impossible. " Some othercorrespondents have found no such difficulty. But for admirable candourcommend us to the _Daily Mail_ of December 24, where we read, "The_Daily Mail_ will not be published to-morrow, and for that reason weseize the occasion to-day of bidding our readers a Merry Christmas"--and avery good reason too. Mr. Punch is glad to reprint a ten-year-old girl'sessay on "Patriotism": "Patriotism is composed of patriots, and they arepeople who live in Ireland and want Mr. Redmond or other people to be Kingof Ireland. They are very brave, some of them, and are so called after St. Patrick, who is Ireland's private saint. The patriots who are brave makesplendid soldiers. The patriots who are not brave go to America. " And hereis a topical extract from a letter written to a loved one from the Front:

"I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say that you hope thesandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope it don't, as I havebeen patching my trousers with it. "

[Illustration:

TOMMY (dictating letter to be sent to his wife): "The nurses here are avery plain lot--"

NURSE: "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us. "

TOMMY: "Never mind. Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"]

Tommy is adding to his other great qualities that of diplomacy, to judgefrom the incident illustrated above. 

_February, 1916_. 

The Epic of the Dardanelles is closed; that of Verdun has begun, and alleyes are focused on the tremendous struggle for the famous fortress. TheCrown Prince has still his laurels to win, and it is clear that nosacrifice of German "cannon fodder" will be too great to deter him frompushing the stroke home. Fort Douaumont has fallen, and the hill of theMort Homme has already terribly justified its cadaverous name. TheWar-lords of Germany are sorely in need of a spectacular success eventhough they purchase it at a great price, for they are very far from havingeverything their own way. Another Colony has gone the way of Tsing-tau, NewGuinea and South-West Africa. The German Kamerun has cried "Kamerad!"General Smuts, like Botha, "Boer and Briton too, " has gone off to takecommand in East Africa, and in the Caucasus Erzerum has fallen to theRussians. The Kaiser is reported to be bitterly disappointed with Allah. 

Sir Edward Grey is not altogether satisfied with the conduct of the NeutralPowers. He has no desire to make things as irksome to them as some of hiscritics desire. But he has pointed out that in the matter of preventingsupplies from reaching the enemy by circuitous routes Great Britain has herown work to do, and means to do it thoroughly. 

The miraculous forbearance of President Wilson, in face of the activitiesof Count Bernstorff, is even more trying to a good many of his countrymenthan it is to the belligerent Briton. Mr. Roosevelt, for instance, derivesno satisfaction from being the fellow-countryman of a man who can "knockspots" off Job for patience. The _New York Life_ has long criticisedthe President with a freedom far eclipsing anything in the British Press. It has now crowned its "interventionist" campaign by a "John Bull number, "the most generous and graceful tribute ever paid to England by the AmericanPress. 

[Illustration: THE CHALLENGE

"Halt! Who comes there?" "Neutral. " "Prove it!"

"What I would say to Neutrals is this: Do they admit our right to apply theprinciples which were applied by the American Government in the war betweenNorth and South--to apply those principles to modern conditions and to doour best to prevent trade with the enemy through neutral countries? If theanswer is that we are not entitled to do that, then I must say definitelyit is a departure from neutrality. "--SIR EDWARD GREY. ]

[Illustration:

GRANNIE (dragged out of bed at 1. 30 a. M. , and being hurriedly dressed asthe bombs begin to fall): "Nancy, these stockings are not a pair. "]

The Military Service Bill has passed through both Houses, and may betrusted to hasten still further the amazing growth of our once"contemptible little" Army. The pleasantest incident during the month atWestminster has been the tribute paid to the gallantry and self-sacrificeof the officers and men of our mercantile marine. The least satisfactoryaspect of Parliamentary activity has been the ventilation of silly rumoursat Question time, in which Mr. Ginnell has been so well to the fore as tosuggest some subtle connection between cattle-driving and hunting formares' nests. 

Steps have already been taken to restrict the imports of luxuries, andMinisters are believed to be unanimous in regarding "ginger" as an articlewhose importation might be profitably curtailed. It has been calculatedthat the annual expenses saved by the closing of the London Museums andGalleries amount to about one-fifth of the public money spent on thesalaries of Members of Parliament. In other words:

 Let Art and Science die, But give us still our old Loquacity. 

Intellectual retrenchment, of course, is desirable, But let us still keep open one collection Of curiosities and quaint antiques, Under immediate Cabinet direction-- The finest specimens of talking freaks, Who constitute our most superb museum, Judged by the salaries with which we fee 'em. 

Lord Sumner, however, seems to have no illusions on this score. He isreported to have said that "if the House of Lords and the House of Commonscould be taken and thrown into a volcano every day the loss representedwould be less than the daily loss of the campaign. " It sounds a drasticremedy, but might be worth trying. 

Field-Marshal Lord French has taken over the responsibility for homedefence against enemy aircraft, with Sir Percy Scott as his expert adviser. But the status of Sir Percy, who, as officially announced, "has not quiteleft the Admiralty and has not quite joined the War Office, " seems tosuggest "a kind of giddy harumfrodite--soldier an' sailor too. "

The War fosters the study of natural and unnatural history. 

[Illustration: FIRST LADY: "That's one of them Australian soldiers. "

SECOND LADY: "How do you know?"

FIRST LADY: "Why, can't you see the Kangaroo feathers in his hat?"]

Many early nestings are recorded as the result of mild weather, and atleast one occasional visitor _(Polonius bombifer_) has laid eggs invarious parts of the country. 

_March_, 1916. 

The month of the War god has again justified its name and its traditions. Both entry and exit have been leonine. The new submarine "frightfulness"began on the 1st, and the battle round Verdun, in which the fate of Paris, to say the least, is involved, has raged with unabated fury throughout theentire month. 

Germany's junior partners, Turkey and Bulgaria, are for the moment moreconcerned with bleeding Germany than with shedding their blood for her;Enver Pasha is reported to have gone to pay a visit to the tomb of theProphet at Medina; Portugal, our oldest ally, is now officially at war withGermany, and the dogs of frightfulness are already toasting "_derTagus_. "

On our share of the Western front there is still what is nominallydescribed as a "lull. " But, as a young Officer writes, "you must notimagine that life here is all honey. Even here we do a bit for oureight-and-sixpence. " Once upon a time billets were billets. They now veryoften admit of being shelled with equal exactitude from due in front anddue in rear, and water is laid on throughout. "It is a fact well known toall our most widely circulated photographic dailies that the German gunnerswaste a power of ammunition. The only criticism I have to make is that Iwish they would waste it more carefully. The way they go strewing the stuffabout around us is such that they're bound to hit someone or somethingbefore long. Still, we have only two more days in these trenches, and theyseldom give us more than ten thousand shells a day. "

[Illustration: Verdun, February--March, 1916]

Letters from second-lieutenants seldom go beyond a gentle reminder thattheir life is not an Elysium. They offer a strange contrast to theactivities of Parliamentary grousers and scapegoat hunters. If the Germanswere in occupation of the Black Country, if Oxford were being daily shelledas Rheims is, and if with a favouring breeze London could hear the dullrumble of the bombardment as Paris can, one wonders if Members would stillbe encumbering the Order-paper with the vexatious trivialities that nowfind place there, or emitting what a patriotic Labour Member picturesquelydescribed as "the croakings and bleatings of the fatted lambs who havebesmirched their country. " _Per contra_ we welcome the optimism of Mr. Asquith in discussing new Votes of Credit, though he reminds us of Micawbercalculating his indebtedness for the benefit of Traddles. It will beremembered that when the famous IOU had been handed over, Copperfieldremarked, "I am persuaded not only that this was quite the same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself hardly knew thedifference until he had had time to think about it. " Then we have had thesurprising but welcome experience of Mr. Tim Healy championing theGovernment against Sir John Simon's attack on the Military Service Bill;and have listened to Lord Montagu of Beaulieu's urgent plea in the Lordsfor unity of air control, a proposal which Lord Haldane declared could notbe adopted without some "violent thinking. " Most remarkable of all has beenMr. Churchill's intervention in the debate on the Naval Estimates, hisgloomy review of the situation--Mr. Churchill is always a pessimist whenout of office--and the marvellous magnanimity of his suggestion that LordFisher should be reinstated at the Admiralty, on the ground that his formerantagonist was the only possible First Sea Lord. Mr. Balfour dealt sofaithfully with these criticisms and suggestions that there seems to be notruth in the report that Mr. Churchill has been asked to join theGovernment as Minister of Admonitions. A new and coruscating star has swuminto our Parliamentary ken in the shape of the Member for Mid-Herts, andastronomers have labelled it "Pegasus [Greek: pi beta]. " When the House ofCommons passed the Bill prohibiting duels it ought to have made anexception in favour of its own Members. Nothing would have done more toraise the tone of debate, for offenders against decorum would graduallyhave eliminated one another. Yet Parliament has its merits, not the leastof them being the scope it still affords for hereditary talent. Lord Derby, at the moment the most prominent man on the Home Front after the Premier, is the grandson of the "Rupert of Debate, " and the new Minister of Blockadeenters on his duties close on fifty years after another Lord Robert Cecilentered the Cabinet of Lord Derby. So history repeats itself with adifference. In spite of the Coalition, or perhaps because of it, the oldstrife of Whigs and Tories has revived, though the lines of cleavage arequite different from what they were. Thus the new Tories are the men whobelieve that the War is going to be decided by battles in Flanders and theNorth Sea, and would sacrifice everything for victory, even the privilegeof abusing the Government. The new Whigs are the men who consider that theHouse of Commons is the decisive arena, and that even the defeat of theGermans would be dearly purchased at the cost of the individual's right tosay and do what he pleased. 

[Illustration: "He's kicked the Corporal!"

"He's kicked the Vet. !!"

"He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"

"He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"

MULE HUMOUR]

[Illustration: THE VICAR: "These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are, of course, the Thessalonians to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters. "

MRS. STUBBS: "Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent myboy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to'em yet. "]

After the exhibition of Mr. Augustus John's portrait of Mr. Lloyd George, the most startling personal event of the month has been the dismissal ofGrand Admiral Tirpitz. According to one account, he resigned because hecould not take the German Fleet out. According to another, it was becausehe could no longer take the German people in. 

At Oxford the Hebdomadal Council have suspended the filling of theProfessorship of Modern Greek for six months. Apparently there is no oneabout just now who understands the modern Greek. A French correspondentputs it somewhat differently: "_La Grèce Antique_: Hellas. _La GrèceModerne_: Hélas!"

_April, 1916_. 

Who would have thought when the month opened that at its close a new frontwithin the Four Seas would be added to our far-flung line, Dublin's fineststreet half ruined, Ireland placed under martial law? Certainly not Mr. Birrell or Mr. Redmond or the Irish Nationalist Members. The staunchestUnionist would acquit Mr. William O'Brien of any menace when in the BudgetDebate, three weeks before the Rebellion of Easter Week, he gave it as hisopinion that Ireland ought to be omitted from the Budget altogether. So, too, with Mr. Tim Healy, whose principal complaint was that the tax onrailway tickets would put a premium on foreign travel; that people would goto Paris instead of Dublin, and Switzerland instead of Killarney. No, sofar as the Government and Ireland's Parliamentary representatives went, itwas a bolt from the blue--or the green. Mr. Birrell, Chief Secretary forIreland for nine years, a longer period than any of his predecessors, hasshown himself conspicuous at once by his absence and his innocence, andEngland in her hour of need, with the submarine peril daily growing and allbut starved out after a heroic defence, stands to pay dearly for theprivilege of entrusting the administration of Ireland to an absenteehumorist. 

On the Western front Verdun still rivets all eyes. The German hordes areclosing in on the fortress, but at a heavier cost for each mile gained thanthey have ever paid before. 

Germany's colossal effort would inspire admiration as well as respect ifshe would only fight clean. The ugly stories of her treatment of prisonershave now culminated in the terrible record of the typhus-stricken camp atWittenberg, where the German doctors deserted their post. 

[Illustration: THE REPUDIATION

Martin Luther (to Shakespeare): "I see my countrymen claim you as one ofthem. You may thank God that you're not that. They have made myWittenberg--ay, and all Germany--to stink in my nostrils. "]

[Illustration: THE GRAPES OF VERDUN

THE OLD FOX: "You don't seem to be getting much nearer them?"

THE CUB: "No, Father. Hadn't we better give it out that they're sour?"]

The report of Mr. Justice Younger's Committee, in which the tale of thisatrocity is fully told, is being circulated in neutral countries, and Mr. Will Thorne has suggested that it should also be sent to our conscientiousobjectors. It is well to administer some sort of corrective to theinformation diffused by the neutral newsmonger:

 Who cheers us when we're in the blues, With reassuring German news, Of starving Berliners in queues? The Neutral. 

 And then, soon after, tells us they Are feeding nicely all the day, And in the old familiar way? The Neutral. 

 Who sees the Kaiser in Berlin, Dejected, haggard, old as sin, And shaking in his hoary skin? The Neutral. 

 Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim, That buoyant health and youthful vim Are sticking out all over him? The Neutral. 

 Who tells us tales of Krupp's new guns, Much larger than the other ones, And endless trains chock-full of Huns? The Neutral. 

 And then, when our last hope has fled, Declares the Huns are either dead Or hopelessly dispirited? The Neutral. 

 In short, who seems to be a blend Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend, And _Mrs. Gamp's_ elusive friend? The Neutral. 

In Parliament we have had the biggest Budget ever known introduced in theshortest Budget speech of the last half-century, at any rate. Mr. PembertonBilling is doing his best every Tuesday to bring the atmosphere of theaerodrome into the House. Mr. Tennant has promised his sympatheticconsideration to Mr. Billing's offer personally to organise raids on theenemy's aircraft bases, and the House is bearing up as well as can beexpected under the shadow of this impending bereavement. Mr. Swift MacNeillis busy with his patriotic effort to purge the roll of the Lords of thepeerages now held by enemy dukes. For the rest, up to Easter Week, theParliamentary situation has been described as "a cabal every afternoon anda crisis every second day. "

It is one of the strange outcomes of this wonderful time that there is moregaiety as well as more suffering in hospitals during the War than in peace. Certainly such a request would never have been heard in normal years asthat recently made by a nurse to a roomful of irrepressible Tommies at aprivate hospital:

"A message has just come in to ask if the hospital will make a little lessnoise as the lady next door has a touch of headache. "

For shouting "The Zepps are coming!" a Grimsby girl has been fined £1. Itwas urged in defence that the girl suffered from hallucinations, one beingthat she was a daily newspaper proprietor. But the recent Zeppelin raidshave not been without their advantages. In a spirit of emulation anambitious hen at Acton has laid an egg weighing 5-1/4 oz. 

[Illustration:

VISITOR (at Private Hospital): "Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"

MATRON: "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you are arelative?"

VISITOR (boldly): "Oh, yes! I'm his sister. "

MATRON: "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. _I'm his mother_. "]

_May, 1916_. 

Verdun still holds out: that is the best news of the month. The French withinexorable logic continue to exact the highest price for the smallest gainof ground. If the Germans are ready to give 100, 000 men for a hill or partof a hill they may have it. If they will give a million men they mayperhaps have Verdun itself. But so far their Pyrrhic victories have stoppedshort of this limit, and Verdun, like Ypres, battered, ruined and evacuatedby civilians, remains a symbol of Allied tenacity and the will to resist. 

The months in war-time sometimes belie their traditions, but it is fittingthat in May we should have enlisted a new Ally--the Sun. The DaylightSaving Bill became Law on May 17. Here is a true economy, and our onlyregret is that Mr. Willett, the chief promoter of a scheme complacentlydiscussed during his lifetime as ingenious but impracticable, should nothave lived to witness its swift and unmurmuring acceptance under stress ofwar. 

The official _communiqués_ from the Irish Front in the earlier stagesof the Dublin rebellion did not long maintain their roseate complexion. Even before the end of April a Secret Session--the second in a week--washeld to discuss the Irish situation. By a strange coincidence this SecretSession immediately followed the grant by the Commons of a Return relatingto Irish Lunacy accounts. From the meagre official summary we gather thatthe absence of reporters has at least the negative advantage of shorteningspeeches. In a very few days, however, the Prime Minister discardedreticence, admitting the gravity of the situation, the prevalence of streetfighting, the spread of the insurrection in the West, the appointment ofSir John Maxwell to the supreme command, and the placing of the IrishGovernment under his orders. The inevitable sequel--the execution of theresponsible insurrectionist leaders--has led to vehement protests fromMessrs. Dillon and O'Brien against militarist brutality. The House ofCommons is a strange place. When Mr. Birrell rose on May 3 to give anaccount of his nine years' stewardship, the Unionists, and not theUnionists alone, were thinking of a lamp-post in Whitehall. When he hadconcluded his pathetic apologia and confessed his failure to estimateaccurately the strength of Sinn Fein, members were almost ready to fall onhis neck, but they no longer wanted his head. 

[Illustration: HELD:]

[Illustration: WANTED--A ST. PATRICK

ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL: "I'm afraid I'm not so smart as my brother-saint atdealing with this kind of thing. I'm apt to take reptiles too lightly. "]

Even Sir Edward Carson admitted that Mr. Birrell had been well intentionedand had done his best. By the middle of the month Mr. Asquith had gone toIreland, in the hope of discovering some arrangement for the future whichwould commend itself to all parties. By the 25th he was back in his placeafter nine days in Dublin. But he had no panacea of his own to prescribe;no cut-and-dried plan for the regeneration of Ireland. All he could say wasthat Mr. Lloyd George had been deputed by the Cabinet to confer with thevarious Irish leaders, and the choice is generally approved. If anyoneknows how to handle high explosives without causing a premature concussionit should be the Minister of Munitions. 

Ireland has dominated the political scene at home, for it is impossible notto connect our new commitments across St. George's Channel with theintroduction and passing of the new Military Service Bill establishingcompulsion for all men, married or single--always excepting Ireland. Thequestion of man-power is paramount. Mr. Asquith is at last convinced that"Wait and See" must yield to "Do it Now": that the nation won't have thesword of Damocles hanging over its head any longer, but will havecompulsion in its hand at once. On the progress of the War Mr. Asquith hassaid little in Open Session, but any omission on his part has been madegood by Mr. Churchill, now home on unlimited leave, who has spoken at greatlength on the proper use of armies. 

Mr. Arthur Ponsonby and Mr. Ramsay MacDonald, who raised the question ofPeace on Empire Day, urging the Government to open negotiations withGermany, have elicited from the Foreign Secretary the deliberate statementthat the only terms of peace which the German Government had ever putforward were the terms of victory for Germany, and that we could not reasonwith the German people so long as they were fed with lies. 

Mr. Henry James, who so nobly repaid the hospitality England was proud toshow him by adopting her nationality in her hour of greatest need, saidshortly before his death that nothing grieved him more than the constantloss of England's "best blood, seed and breed. " The mothers of England"give their sons, " but they know that the choice did not rest with them:

 We did not give you--all unasked you went, Sons of a greater motherhood than ours; To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent, Then swept beyond us by resistless powers. Only we hear, when we have lost our all, That far clear call. 

But how can the grief be measured of those

 Whose best, Eager to serve a higher quest And in the Great Cause know the joy of battle, Gallant and young, by traitor hands, Leagued with a foe from alien lands, Struck down in cold blood, fell like butchered cattle?

Though Ireland is not for the moment a source of humour she contrives to bethe cause of it in others. A daily paper tells us that Sir Robert Chalmersis to be "Permanent Under-Secretary of Ireland _pro tem_. " Anotherdaily paper, the _Daily Mail, _ to be precise, has discovered a newtest of valour: "Mr. Hellish, a regular reader of the _Daily Mail_ foryears, was awarded the V. C. Last month for conspicuous bravery. "

_June, 1916_. 

At last the long vigil in the North Sea has ended in the glorious ifindecisive battle of Jutland, the greatest sea fight since Trafalgar. Yetwas it indecisive? After the momentary dismay caused by the first Admiralty_communiqué_ with its over-estimate of our losses, public confidence, shaken where it was strongest, has been restored by further information andby the admissions of the enemy. We have to mourn the loss of many ships, still more the loss of splendid ships' companies and their heroic captains. We can sympathise with the cruel disappointment of those who, after bearingthe brunt of the action, were robbed of the opportunity of overwhelmingtheir enemy by failing light and the exigencies of a strategy governed inthe last resort by political caution. But look at the sequel. The GermanFleet, badly battered, retires to port; and despite the paeans ofexultation from their Admirals, Kaiser, and Imperial Chancellor, remainsthere throughout the month. Will it ever come out again? Meanwhile, Wilhelmshaven is closed indefinitely, and nobody is allowed to see thosesheep in Wolff's clothing--the "victorious fleet. " The true verdict, sofar as we can judge, may be expressed in homely phrase: The British Navyhas taken a knock but given a harder one. We can stand it and they can't. 

[Illustration: THE LOST CHIEF

In Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener, Maker of Armies]

Within a week of Jutland the Empire has been stirred to its depths by thetragic death of Lord Kitchener in the _Hampshire_, blown up by a mineoff the Shetlands on her voyage to Archangel. On the eve of starting on hismission to Russia his last official act had been to meet his critics of theHouse of Commons face to face, reply to their questions and leave themsilenced and admiring. On the day of the battle of Jutland these criticshad moved the Prime Minister to declare that Lord Kitchener was personallyentitled to the credit for the amazing expansion of the army. Sir MarkSykes, no mean authority, asserted that in Germany our War Secretary wasfeared as a great organiser, while in the East his name was one to conjurewith; and Sir George Reid, a worthy representative of the Dominions, observed that his chief fault was that he was "not clever at circulatingthe cheap coin of calculated civilities which enable inferior men to riseto positions to which they are not entitled. " These tributes were deliveredin his lifetime; they deserve to be contrasted with the appreciations ofthose journalists who clamoured for his appointment, then clamoured for hisdismissal, and profaned his passing with their insincere eulogies. Threeweeks of Recess elapsed before the Houses could render homage to theillustrious dead. In the Lords the debt has been paid by a statesman, LordLansdowne, a soldier, Lord French, and a friend, Lord Derby. In the Commonsthe speeches were all touched with genuine emotion and the sense ofpersonal loss. Through all these various tributes rang the note of dutywell done, and Mr. Bonar Law did well to remind the House of the sureinstinct which caused Lord Kitchener to realise at the very outset thegigantic nature of the present War. In a sense his loss is irreparable, yethis great work was accomplished before he died. Sometimes accused ofexpecting others to achieve the impossible, he had achieved it himself inthe crowning miracle of his life, the improvisation of the New Armies. 

The violation of Greek territory by the Bulgarian troops, as might beexpected, has not led to any effective protest from King Constantine. Onthe contrary, one seems to hear this benevolent neutral deprecating anyapology on the part of King Ferdinand: "Please make yourself at home. Thisis Liberty Hall. "

It is otherwise with the irruption of the Russians under General Brusiloff. His great offensive is a source of offence to the Austrians, who have goodreason to complain that the "steam-roller" is exceeding the speed limit. Orto change the metaphor, the bear and his tormentor have changed places. 

Ireland has receded a little from her place in the limelight, and thoughdebates on martial law continue, and Irish members ask an inordinate numberof questions arising out of the hot Easter week in Dublin, the temperatureis no longer "98 in the shade" as a local wit described it at the time. Ministers are extremely economical of information: the anticipatedsettlement still hangs fire, and there are increasing fears that it willnot hold water. 

[Illustration: THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH]

A number of professional fortune-tellers have been fined at Southend forhaving predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their pretensions wassufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had been unable toforesee the Zeppelins until some time after they had arrived. 

The discussions in Parliament and out of it of the way in which things getinto the papers which oughtn't to, are dying down. A daily paper, however, has revived them by the headline, "Cabinet leekage. " Now, why, in wonder, do they spell it in that way?

It is quite impossible to keep pace with all the new incarnations of womenin war-time--'bus-conductress, ticket-collector, lift-girl, club waitress, post-woman, bank clerk, motor-driver, farm-labourer, guide, munition maker. There is nothing new in the function of ministering angel: the myriadnurses in hospital here or abroad are only carrying out, though in greaternumbers than ever before, what has always been woman's mission. Butwhenever he sees one of these new citizens, or hears fresh stories of theiraddress and ability, Mr. Punch is proud and delighted. Perhaps in the past, even in the present, he may have been, or even still is, a little given tochaff Englishwomen for some of their foibles, and even their aspirations. But he never doubted how splendid they were at heart; he never for a momentsupposed they would be anything but ready and keen when the hour of needstruck. 

[Illustration: FARMER (who has got a lady-help in the dairy): "'Ullo, Missy, what in the world be ye doin'?"

LADY: "Well, you told me to water the cows, and I'm doing it. They don'tseem to like it much. "]

_July, 1916_. 

On the home front we have long been accustomed to the sound of guns, smalland great, but it has come from training camps and inspires confidencerather than anxiety. We have been spared the horrors of invasion, occupation, wholesale devastation. In certain areas the noise of bombs andanti-aircraft guns has grown increasingly familiar, and on our south-eastand east coasts war from the air, on the sea, and under the sea has becomemore and more audible as the months pass by. But July has brought us a newexperience--the sound fifty or sixty miles inland in peaceful ruralEngland, amid glorious midsummer weather, of the continual throbbing nightand day of the great guns on the Somme, where our first great offensiveopened on the 1st, and has continued with solid and substantial gains, someset-backs, heavy losses for the Allies, still heavier for the enemy. Namesof villages and towns, which hitherto have been to most of us mere names onthe map, have now become luminous through shining deeds of glory andsacrifice--Contalmaison and Mametz, Delville Wood, Thiepval andBeaumont-Hamel, Serre and Pozières. 

The victory, for victory it is, has not been celebrated in the German way. England takes her triumphs as she takes defeats, without a sign of havingturned a hair:

 Yet we are proud because at last, at last We look upon the dawn of our desire; Because the weary waiting-time is passed And we have tried our temper in the fire; And proving word by deed Have kept the faith we pledged to France at need. 

 But most because, from mine and desk and mart, Springing to face a task undreamed before, Our men, inspired to play their prentice part Like soldiers lessoned in the school of war, True to their breed and name, Went flawless through the fierce baptismal flame. 

 And he who brought these armies into life, And on them set the impress of his will-- Could he be moved by sound of mortal strife, There where he lies, their Captain, cold and still Under the shrouding tide, How would his great heart stir and glow with pride!

[Illustration: "TWO HEADS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT"

FIRST HEAD: "What prospects?" SECOND HEAD: "Rotten. " FIRST HEAD: "Samehere. "]

The results of the battle of the Somme are shown in a variety of ways: bythe reticence and admissions of the German Press, by its efforts to divertattention to the exploits of the commercial submarine cruiser_Deutschland_; above all, by the Kaiser's fresh explosions of piety. "The Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be. " There is no further signof his fleet, which remains crippled by its "victory. " Nor can he, stillless his Ally, draw comfort from the situation on the Russian or Italianfronts. 

[Illustration: WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY]

Mr. Punch finds the usual difficulty in getting any details from hiscorrespondents when they have been or are in the thick of the fighting. Practically all that they have to say is that there was a "damned noise, "that breakfast was delayed by the "morning hate, " or that an angry subbesought a weary O. C. "to ask our gunners not to serve faults into ourfront line wire. " One of them, however, a very wise young man, ventures onthe prediction that the War will last well into 1918. As the result of abrief leave he has learned an important truth. "In England they assume thatyou, having just arrived from France, _know_. When you return toFrance, it is assumed that you, having just arrived from England, _know_. "

In Parliament Ireland is beginning to suffer from a rival in unenviablenotoriety. Mesopotamia does not smell particularly sweet just now, but thatmay add to its usefulness as a red herring. Geographers are said to havesome difficulty in defining its exact boundaries, but the Government areprobably quite convinced that it is situate between the Devil and the DeepSea. Two Special Commissions are to be set up to inquire into theMesopotamian and Dardanelles Expeditions. Public opinion has been painfullystirred by the harrowing details which have come to light of thepreventible sufferings endured by British troops. From their point of viewthe supply of their medical needs, now guaranteed, is worth a wilderness ofSpecial Commissions. But Ireland still holds the floor, though Mr. Asquithis frugal of information as to the prospective Irish Bill and hasdeprecated discussion of the Hardinge Report, the most scarifying publicdocument of our times. The Lords, unembarrassed by any embargo, havediscussed the Report in a spirit which must make Mr. Birrell thank hisstars that he got in his confession first. But why, he may ask, should hebe judged by Lord Hardinge, himself a prospective defendant at the bar ofpublic opinion?

Following the lead of a certain section of the Press, certain Members havebegun to wax vocal on the subject of reprisals, uninterned Aliens, and theHidden Hand. Their appeals to the Home Office to go on the spy-trail havenot met with much sympathy so far. An alleged Austrian taxi-driver hasturned out to be a harmless Scotsman with an impediment in his speech. Moreinteresting has been the sudden re-emergence of Mr. John Burns. He sankwithout a trace two years ago, but has now bobbed up to denounce theproposal to strengthen the Charing Cross railway-bridge. We could havewished that he had been ready to "keep the bridge" in another sense; but atleast he has been a silent Pacificist. Mr. Winston Churchill, when hisjournalistic labours permit, has contributed to the debates, and LordHaldane has again delivered his famous lecture on the defects of Englisheducation. But for Parliamentary sagacity _in excelsis_ commend us toMr. McCallum Scott. He is seriously perturbed about the shortage ofsausage-skins and, in spite of the bland assurance of Mr. Harcourt thatsupplies are ample, is alleged to be planning a fresh campaign with theassistance of Mr. Hogge. Another shortage has given rise to no anxiety, butrather the reverse. In a police court it was recently stated that there areno longer any tramps in England. Evidently the appeal of that stirring oldsong, "Tramp! tramp! tramp! the boys are marching, " has not been withoutits effect. 

[Illustration: CONJURER (unconscious of the approach of hostile aircraft):"Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely. "]

Yet another endurable shortage is reported from the seaside, where an oldsailor on the local sea front has been lamenting the spiritual starvationbrought about by the war. "Why, " he said, "for the first time for twentyyears we ain't got no performing fleas down here. " And performers, whenthey do come, are not always successful in riveting the attention of theiraudience. 

_August, 1916_. 

The third year of the War opens well for the Allies; so well that theKaiser has again issued a statement denying that he is responsible for it. The Big Push on the Somme goes on steadily, thanks to fine leadership, thesteadfast heroism of the New Armies, and the loyal co-operation of themunition-workers at home, who have deferred their holiday rather thanhamper their brothers in the trenches by a lessened output. 

Here one fact may suffice as a sample. The weekly consumption of highexplosives by the Army is now between eleven and twelve thousand times asmuch as it was in September, 1914. Yet when a lieutenant is asked to statewhat it is really like being along with the B. E. F. When it is in itspushful mood, he sedulously eschews heroics, and will not commit himself tosaying more than that it's all right--that he doesn't think there is anycause for anxiety. "We seem to have ceased to have sensations out here. Itis a matter of business; the only question is how long is it going to taketo complete. " So, too, with the Tommies. "Wonderful, " declares the man inthe ranks to persistent seekers after thrilling descriptions of war. "Younever see the like. Across in them trenches there was real soda-water inbottles. " To return to our lieutenant, he "simply can't help being a littlesorry for the Boche now that his wild oats are coming home to roost. " Evenhis poetic friends, formerly soulful and precious, take this restrainedview. The Attributes of the Enemy are thus summed up by one trench bard:

 If Boches laughed and Huns were gents, They'd own their share of continents; There'd be no fuss, and, what is more, There wouldn't even be a war. Whereas the end of all this tosh Can only be there'll be no Boche. 

[Illustration: THE BIG PUSH

MUNITION WORKER: "Well, I'm not taking a holiday myself just yet, but I'msending these kids of mine for a little trip on the Continent. "]

Another poet, an R. F. C. Man, adopts the same vein, void alike of hate orexultation:

 Returning from my morning fly I met a Fokker in the sky, And, judging from its swift descent, It had a nasty accident. On thinking further of the same I rather fear I was to blame. 

It is easy to understand why the enemy nations find England sodisappointing and unsatisfying to be at war with. 

Italy, too, has had her Big Push on the Isonzo, capturing Monte Sabotino, which had defied her for fifteen months, and Gorizia--a triumph ofscientific preparation and intrepid assault. The Austrian poison-gas attackon the Asiago plateau has been avenged, and the objectives of the long andineffectual offensive of the previous winter carried with thousands ofprisoners at a comparatively cheap price. To add to Austria's humiliationher armies on the Eastern Front have been placed under the PrussianHindenburg. And Rumania has joined the Allies at the end of what has been avery bad month for the Central Empires. English newspapers have beenexcluded from Germany, and Berlin has added truthless to meatless days. Butthe Germans have long since found a substitute for veracity as well as forleather and butter and rubber and bread. They are said to have found asubstitute for International Law, and it is an open secret that they areeven now in search of a substitute for victory. We might even suggest a fewmore substitutes which have not yet been utilised. As, for example, asubstitute for Verdun with the German flag flying over it; substitutes forseveral German Colonies; a substitute for Austria as an ally; andsubstitutes for Kultur and Organisation and Efficiency and World Power andthe Mailed Fist and the Crown Prince and the Kaiser and the War and all thethings that haven't come off. 

Various momentous decisions have been arrived at in Parliament. The Cabinetare _not_ to be cinematographed, and unnecessary taxi-whistling is tobe suppressed, without any prejudice to the squealing of importunatechatterers below the gangway. Ireland has again dominated the Parliamentaryscene; the Nationalists have resumed their freedom of action with attackson Sir John Maxwell and martial law, and are displaying an embarrassingindustry reminiscent of the 'Eighties. Mr. Ginnell has been removed byorder of the Speaker; Mr. Duke has succeeded Mr. Birrell; and thediscussion of three Irish Bills has bulked so large that one might almostforget we were at war. In such brief moments as could be spared from Irishaffairs the Premier has proposed a fresh Vote of Credit for 450 millions, has introduced a Bill for extending the life of Parliament, and anotherestablishing a new Register. The last has been unmercifully belaboured indebate, the Prime Minister himself describing it as "a halting, lopsided, temporary makeshift. " The apparently insoluble problem is that of enablingsoldiers in the trenches to exercise the franchise. Soldiers and sailorscan very well wait for their votes, but not for their money, and the delaysin providing pensions for discharged men have been condemned by members ofall parties. So the War is not altogether forgotten by the House. Mr. LloydGeorge, the new War Secretary, without wasting breath on the pessimisticcomments of his colleague Mr. Churchill, has given an encouraging survey ofthe general situation. The cry has gone up that Mr. Hughes Must Come Backfrom Australia, and Mr. Swift MacNeill has been rewarded for hispertinacity by extracting a promise from Mr. Asquith that he will purge thePeerage of its enemy Dukes. Better still is the solemn assurance of thePremier that the Government are taking steps to discover the identity ofall those who are in any way responsible for the judicial murder of CaptainFryatt--the worst instance of calculated atrocity against non-combatantssince the murder of Nurse Cavell. 

The education of our New Armies is full of strange and noble surprises. Nowit is an ex-shop boy converted into an R. H. A. Driver. Or again it is aTommy learning to appreciate the heroism of a French peasant woman:

 'Er bloke's out scrappin' with the rest, Pushin' a bay'net in Argonne; She wears 'is photo on 'er breast, "_Mon Jean_, " she sez--the French for John. 

 She 'ears the guns boom night an' day; She sees the shrapnel burstin' black; The sweaty columns march away, The stretchers bringin' of 'em back. 

 She ain't got no war-leggin's on; 'Er picture's never in the Press, Out scoutin'. She finds breeks "_no bon_, " An' carries on in last year's dress. 

 At dawn she tows a spotty cow To graze upon the village green; She plods for miles be'ind a plough, An' takes our washin' in between. 

 She tills a patch o' spuds besides, An' burnt like copper in the sun, She tosses 'ay all day, then rides The 'orse 'ome when the job is done. 

 The times is 'ard--I got me woes, With blistered feet an' this an' that, An' she's got 'ers, the good Lord knows, Although she never chews the fat. 

 But when the Boche 'as gulped 'is pill, An' crawled 'ome to 'is bloomin' Spree, We'll go upon the bust, we will, Madame an' Monsieur Jean an' me. 

Or once more it is the young officer shaving himself in a captured Germandug-out before an old looking-glass looted from a _château_ by a deadGerman, and apologising to its rightful owner:

 Madame, at the end of this long campaign, When France comes into her own again In the setting where only she can shine, As you in your mirror of rare design-- Forgive me, who dare In a German lair To shave in your mirror at Pozières. 

Then there are "lonely soldiers" in India, envious of their more fortunatecomrades in Flanders, and soldiers quite the reverse of lonely during theirwell-earned leave. 

[Illustration:

THE CAPTAIN: "Your brother is doing splendidly in the Battalion. Beforelong he'll be our best man. "

THE SISTER: "Oh, Reginald! Really, this is so very sudden. "]

The education of those on the Home Front is also proceeding. There are somemaids who announce the approach of Zeppelins as if they were ordinaryvisitors. There are others who politely decline to exchange a seat at anattic window for the security of the basement. 

[Illustration:

MISTRESS (coming to maid's room as the Zeppelins approach): "Jane! Jane!Won't you come downstairs with the rest of us?"

LITTLE MAID: "Oh, thank you, Mum, but I can see beautiful from here, Mum. "]

According to the German papers Prince Frederick Leopold of Prussia has beenseverely reprimanded by the Kaiser for permitting his wild swine to escapefrom their enclosure and damage neighbouring property. It would beinteresting to know if Prince Leopold excused himself on the ground that hehad merely followed the All Highest's distinguished example. When Princesare rebuked common editors cannot hope to escape censure. The editor of the_Vorwärts_ has again been arrested, the reason given being that thenewspaper does not truthfully represent Germany's position in the War. Ifthe title of the organ is any indication of its contents the charge wouldappear to be more than justified. 

_September, 1916_. 

"IAN HAY" wrote a fine book on "The First Hundred Thousand"--the firstbatch of Kitchener's Army. Another book, equally glorious, remains to bewritten about another Hundred Thousand--the Sweepers of the Sea. And withthem are to be reckoned the heroes of the little ships of whom we hearnaught save the laconic record in a daily paper that "the small steamer------ struck a mine yesterday and sank, " and that all the crew were lost:

 Who to the deep in ships go down, Great marvels do behold, But comes the day when some must drown In the grey sea and cold. For galleons lost great bells do toll, But now we must implore God's ear for sunken Little Ships Who are not heard of more. 

 When ships of war put out to sea, They go with guns and mail, That so the chance may equal be Should foemen them assail; But Little Ships men's errands run, And are not clad for strife; God's mercy, then, on Little Ships Who cannot fight for life. 

 To warm and cure, to clothe and feed, They stoutly put to sea, And since that men of them had need Made light of jeopardy; Each in her hour her fate did meet, Nor flinched nor made outcry; God's love be with these Little Ships Who could not choose but die. 

 To friar and nun, and every one Who lives to save and tend, Sisters were these whose work is done And cometh thus to end; Full well they knew what risk they ran But still were strong to give; God's grace for all the Little Ships Who died that men might live. 

September has brought us good tidings by land and air. Thiepval and Comblesare ours, and the plague of the Zeppelins has been stayed. The downing ofthe Zepp at Cuffley by Lieutenant Robinson gave North London the mostthrilling aerial spectacle ever witnessed. There has been much diversity ofopinion as to the safest place to be in during a Zeppelin raid--under coveror in the open, on the top floor or in the basement; but recent experiencessuggest that by far the most dangerous place on those occasions is in aZeppelin. But perhaps the most momentous event of the month has been thecoming of the Tanks, a most humorous and formidable addition to the_fauna_ of the battlefield--half battleship, half caterpillar--whichhave given the Germans the surprise of their lives, a surprise all the moreeffective for being sudden and complete. The Germans, no doubt, have theirsurprise packets in store for us, but we can safely predict that they arenot likely to be at once so comic and so efficient as these unlovely butpainstaking monsters. As an officer at the front writes to a friend: "Theseanimals look so dreadfully competent, I am quite sure they can swim. Thus, any day now, as you go to your business in the City, you may meet one ofthem trundling up Ludgate Hill, looking like nothing on earth and notbehaving like a gentleman. " As for the relations between the Allies in thefield the same correspondent contributes some enlightening details. TheFrench aren't English and the English aren't French, and difficulties arebound to arise. The course of true love never did run smooth. Here itstarted, as it generally does, with a rush; infatuation was succeeded byfriction, and that in turn by the orthodox aftermath of reconciliation. "How do we stand now? We have settled down to one of those attachmentswhich have such an eternity before them in the future that they permit ofno gushing in the present. " The War goes well on the Western Front, theworst news being the report that the Kaiser has undertaken to refrain infuture from active participation in the conduct of military operations. 

[Illustration:

THE SWEEPERS OF THE SEA. 

MR. PUNCH: "Risky work, isn't it?"

TRAWLER SKIPPER: "That's why there's a hundred thousand of us doin' it. "]

Peace reigns at Westminster, where legislators are agreeably conspicuous bytheir absence. But other agencies are active. According to an advertisementin the _Nation_ the Fabian Research Department have issued twoReports, "together with a Project for a Supernatural Authority that willPrevent War. " The egg, on the authority of the _Daily Mail_, is"disappearing from our breakfast table, " but even the humblest of us canstill enjoy our daily mare's nest. The effect of the Zeppelin on the younghas already been shown; but even the elderly own its stimulating influence. 

_October, 1916_. 

Mr. Punch's correspondents at the Front have an incorrigible habit ofeuphemism and levity. Even when things go well they are never betrayed intoheroics, but adhere to the schoolboy formula of "not half bad, " just as inthe blackest hours they would not admit that things were more than "prettybeastly. " Yet sometimes they deviate for a moment into really enlighteningcomment. No better summary of the situation as it stands in the third yearof the War can be given than in the words of the faithful "Watch-dog, " whohas long been on duty in trench and dug-out and crater-hole:--

"This War has ceased to become an occupation befitting agentleman--gentleman, that is, of the true Prussian breed. It was a happyand honourable task so long as it consisted of civilising the world atlarge with high explosive, poisonous gas and burning oil, and the world atlarge was not too ready to answer back. To persist in this stern business, in face of the foolish and ignoble obstinacy of the adversary, requiredgreat courage and strength of mind; but the Prussian is essentiallycourageous and strong. Things came to a pretty pass, however, when thewicked adversary made himself some guns and shells and took to being sternon his own. People who behave like that, especially after they have beenconquered, are not to be mixed with--anything to keep aloof from such. Onehad to leave Combles, one had to leave Thiepval, one may even have to leaveBapaume to avoid the pest; these nasty French and English persons, withtheir disgusting tanks, intrude everywhere nowadays. " The German engineeris being hoist with his own petard:

 Yet you may suck sweet solace from the thought That not in vain the seed was sown, That half the recent havoc we have wrought Was based on methods all your own; And smile to hear our heavy batteries Pound you with imitation's purest flatteries. 

Yet, at best, this is sorry comfort for the Kaiser. 

[Illustration: THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS]

It is not a picnic for the men in our front line. Reports that thesituation is "normal" or "quiet" or "uneventful" represent more or lesscorrectly what is happening at G. H. Q. , Divisional Headquarters, BrigadeHeadquarters, or even Battalion Headquarters. They represent understatementto the _n_th when applied to the front trenches. But listen again tothe "Watch-dog. " He admits that some of our diamonds are not smooth, butadds "for myself I welcome every touch of nature in these our warriors. Itis good to be in the midst of them, for they thrive as never before, andtheir comforts are few enough these wet bloody days. "

The Crown Prince, after seven months of ineffective carnage before Verdun, has been giving an interview to an American ex-clergyman, representing theHearst anti-British newspapers, in which he appears in the light of atender-hearted philanthropist, longing for peace, mercy, and the delightsof home-life. Mr. Lloyd George, in an interview with an Americanjournalist, has defined our policy as that of delivering a "knock out" toPrussian military despotism, a pugilistic metaphor which has wounded someof our Pacificists. Our Zeppelin bag is growing; Count Zeppelin has swornto destroy London or die, but now that John Bull is getting his eye in, theoath savours of suicide. 

[Illustration:

THE SUNLIGHT-LOSER

KAISER (as his sainted Grandfather's clock strikes three): "The British arejust putting their clocks back an hour. I wish I could put ours back aboutthree years. "]

The Allies have presented an ultimatum to Greece, but Mr. Asquith's appealto the traditions of ancient Hellas is wasted on King Constantine, who, ifhe had lived in the days of Marathon and Salamis, would undoubtedly havebeen a pro-Persian. As for his future, Mr. Punch ventures on a prediction:

 Tino, if some day Hellas should arise A phoenix soaring from her present cinders, Think not to share her passage to the skies Or furnish purple copy for her Pindars; You'll be in exile, if you don't take care, Along with brother William, Lord knows where!

A couple of months ago, on the occasion of sharks appearing on the Atlanticcoast of the U. S. A. , it was freely intimated at the fashionablewatering-places that there was such a thing as being too proud to bathe. Now a new and untimely irritant has turned up off the same shores in theshape of U-boats. Their advent is all the more inconsiderate in view of theimpending Presidential Election, at which Mr. Wilson's claim is based onhaving kept America out of the War. 

[Illustration:

COMRADES IN VICTORY

Combles, September 26th

POILU: "Bravo, mon vieux!"

TOMMY: "Same to you, mate. "]

Members have returned to St. Stephen's refreshed by seven weeks' holiday, and the Nationalists have been recruiting their energies, but unfortunatelynothing else, in Ireland. By way of signalising his restoration, after anapology, Mr. Ginnell handed in thirty-nine questions--the fruits of hisenforced leisure. The woes of the interned Sinn Feiners who have beencondemned to sleep in a disused distillery at Frongoch have been dulybrought forward and the House invited to declare that "the system ofgovernment at present maintained in Ireland is inconsistent with theprinciples for which the Allies are fighting in Europe. " The system ofadministration in Ireland is, and always has been, inconsistent with anysettled principles whatsoever; but to propose such a motion now isequivalent to affirming that Ireland is being treated by Great Britain asBelgium and Poland and Serbia have been treated by Germany. Mr. Redmondmade no attempt to prove this absurd thesis, but when he demanded thatmartial law should be withdrawn and the interned rebels let loose in aHome-ruled Ireland--while the embers of the rebellion were stilldangerously smouldering--he asked too much even of that amicable andtrustful beast, the British Lion. Mr. Duke is not exactly a sparklingorator, but he said one thing which needed saying, namely, that Irishmenought to work out a scheme of Home Rule for themselves, and lay it beforeParliament, instead of expecting Englishmen to do their work for them andthen complaining of the result. In the division-lobby the Nationalistsreceived the assistance of some forty or fifty British Members, whosupported the motion, Mr. Punch suspects, more out of hatred of theCoalition than of love for Ireland. But they were easily out-voted byBritish Home Rulers alone. The impression left by the debate was that theNationalist Members had a great deal more sympathy with the Sinn Feinersthan they had with the innocent victims of the rebellion. 

[Illustration:

MOTHER: "Come away, Jimmy! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed. "]

The need of a War propaganda at home is illustrated by the answers tocorrespondents in the _Leeds Mercury_. "Reasonable questions" areinvited, and here is one of the answers: "T. B. --No, it is not General SirWilliam Robertson, but the Rev. Sir William Robertson Nicoll who edits_The British Weekly_. " But then, as another journal patheticallyobserves, "About nine-tenths of what we say is of no earthly importance toanybody. " Further light is thrown on this confession by the claim of anIslington applicant for exemption: "Once I was a circus clown, but now I amon an evening newspaper. "

We are grateful to Russia for her efforts, but, as our artist shows above, the plain person is apparently uncertain as to the quality of our Ally. 

We are glad to learn that, on the suggestion of Mr. Asquith, the LordMayor's banquet will be "of a simple nature. " Apropos of diet, an officerexpecting leave writes: "My London programme is fixed; first a Turkishbath, and then a nice fried sole. " History repeats itself. A fried sole wasthe luxury which officers who served in the Boer War declared that theyenjoyed most of all after their campaigning. 

_November, 1916. _

Francis Joseph of Austria has died on the tottering throne which has beenhis for nearly seventy years. In early days he had been hated, but he hadshown valour. Later on he had shown wisdom, and had been pitied for hismisfortunes. It was a crowning irony of fate which condemned him in old ageto become the dupe and tool of an Assassin. He should have died before theWar--certainly before the tragedy of Sarajevo. 

The British Push has extended to the Ancre, and the Crown Prince, reducedto the position of a pawn in Hindenburg's game, maintains a precarious holdon the remote suburbs of Verdun. Well may he be sick, after nine months offutile carnage, of a name which already ranks in renown with Thermopylae. 

As the credit of the Crown Prince wanes, so the cult of Hindenburg waxes. 

[Illustration:

HINDENBURGITIS; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL]

Monastir has been recaptured by the Serbians and French; but Germany hashad her victories too, and, continuing her warfare against the Red Cross, has sunk two hospital ships. Germany's U-boat policy is going to win herthe War. At least so Marshal Hindenburg says, and the view is shared bythat surprising person the neutral journalist. But in the meantime itsubjects the affections of the neutral sailorman to a severe trial. 

King Constantine, however, remains unshaken in his devotion to Germaninterests. He has also shown marked originality by making up a Cabinetexclusively composed of University Professors. But some critics scent inhis action a hint of compulsory Ministerial Service, and predict Labourtroubles. 

At home we have to note the steady set of the tide of public opinion infavour of Food Control. The name of the Dictator is not yet declared, butthe announcement cannot be long postponed. Whoever he may be, he is not tobe envied. We have also to note the steady growth on every side ofGovernment bungalows--the haunts (if some critics are to be believed) ofthe Great Uncombed, even of the Hidden Hand. The men of forty-one were notwanted last March. Mr. Lloyd George tells us that they are wanted now, orit would mean the loss of two Army Corps. The Germans, by the way, appearto be arriving at a just conception of their relative value. Lord Newtonhas informed the Lords that the enemy is prepared to release 600 Englishcivilian prisoners in return for some 4, 000 to 7, 000 Germans. Parliamenthas developed a new grievance: Ministers have confided to Pressmeninformation denied to M. P. 's. And a cruel wrong has been done to Erin, according to Mr. Dillon, by the application of Greenwich time to Ireland, by which that country has been compelled to surrender its preciousprivilege of being twenty-five minutes behind the times. The injustice isso bitter that it has reconciled Mr. Dillon and Mr. Healy. 

The Premier has hinted that if the House insisted on having fullerinformation than it receives at present another Secret Session might beheld. When one considers the vital problems on which Parliament nowconcentrates its energies--the supply of cocaine to dentists, thewithholding of pictures of the Tanks, etc. --one feels that there should bea Secret Session at least once a week. Indeed, if the House were to sitpermanently with closed doors, unobserved and unreported, the country mightbe all the better for it. 

[Illustration:

A STRAIN ON THE AFFECTIONS

NORWEGIAN (to Swede): "What--you here, too. I thought you were a friend ofGermany?"

SWEDE: "I was. "]

It is the fashion in some quarters to make out that fathers do not realisethe sacrifice made by their sons, but complacently acquiesce in it whilethey sit comfortably at home over the fire. Mr. Punch has not met thesefathers. The fathers--and still more the mothers--that he knows recogniseonly too well the unpayable nature of their debt. 

 They held, against the storms of fate, In war's tremendous game, A little land inviolate Within a world of flame. 

 They looked on scarred and ruined lands, On shell-wrecked fields forlorn, And gave to us, with open hands, Full fields of yellow corn;

 The silence wrought in wood and stone Whose aisles our fathers trod; The pines that stand apart, alone, Like sentinels of God. 

 With generous hands they paid the price, Unconscious of the cost, But we must gauge the sacrifice By all that they have lost. 

 The joy of young adventurous ways, Of keen and undimmed sight, The eager tramp through sunny days, The dreamless sleep of night, The happy hours that come and go, In youth's untiring quest, They gave, because they willed it so, With some light-hearted jest. 

 No lavish love of future years, No passionate regret, No gift of sacrifice or tears Can ever pay the debt. 

Yet if ever you try to express this indebtedness to the wonderful young menwho survive, they turn the whole thing into a jest and tell you, forexample, that only two things really interest them, "Europe and theirstomachs"--nothing in between matters. 

[Illustration: PAT (examining fare): "May the divil destroy the Germans!"

SUB: "Well, they don't do you much harm, anyway. You don't get near enoughto 'em. "

PAT: "Do they not, thin? Have they not kilt all the half-crown officers andleft nothing but the shillin' ones?"]

Guy Fawkes Day has come and gone without fireworks, pursuant to the Defenceof the Realm Act. Even Parliament omitted to sit. Apropos of SecretSessions, Lord Northcliffe has been accused of having had one all tohimself and some five hundred other gentlemen at a club luncheon. The_Daily Mail_ describes the debate on the subject as a "gross waste oftime, " which seems to come perilously near _lèse-majesté!_ But then, as a writer in the _Evening News_--another Northcliffe paper--safelyobserves, "It is the failing of many people to say what they think withoutthinking. "

_December, 1916_. 

Rumania has unhappily given Germany the chance of a cheap and spectaculartriumph--of which, after being badly pounded on the Somme, she was sorelyin need. Here was a comparatively small nation, whom the Germans couldcrush under their heel as they had crushed Belgium and Serbia. So inRumania they concentrated all the men they could spare from other frontsand put them under their best generals. Their first plans were thwarted, but eventually the big guns had their way and Bukarest fell. Then, afterthe usual display of bunting and joy-bells in Berlin, was the moment tomake a noble offer of peace. The German peace overtures remind one of Mr. Punch's correspondents of the American advertisement: "If John Robinson, with whose wife I eloped six months ago, will take her back, all will beforgiven. "

The shadowy proposals of those who preach humanity while they practiseunrestricted frightfulness have not deceived the Allies. They know, andhave let the enemy know, that they must go on until they have made sure ofan enduring peace by reducing the Central Empires to impotence for evil. 

When Mr. Asquith announced in the House on December 4 the King's approvalof Reconstruction, few Members guessed that in twenty-four hours he wouldhave ceased to be Prime Minister and that Mr. Lloyd George would have begunCabinet-making. There has been much talk of intrigue. But John Bull doesn'tcare who leads the country so long as he leads it to victory. And as forCertain People Somewhere in France, we shall probably not be far wrong ininterpreting their view of the present change as follows:

 Thank God, we keep no politicians here; Fighting's our game, not talking; all we ask Is men and means to face the coming year And consummate our task. 

 Give us the strongest leaders you can find, Tory or Liberal, not a toss care we, So they are swift to act and know their mind Too well to wait and see. 

[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE MOCK TURTLE-DOVE

KAISER } }(breathlessly): "Well?"BETHMANN-HOLLWEG}

THE BIRD: "Wouldn't even look at me!"]

The ultimate verdict on Mr. Asquith's services to the State as PrimeMinister for the first two and a half years of the War will not be foundedon the Press Campaign which has helped to secure his downfall. But, as oneof the most bitterly and unjustly assailed ex-Ministers has said, "personalreputations must wait till the end of the War. " Meanwhile, we have aPremier who, whatever his faults, cannot be charged with supineness. 

[Illustration:

THE NEW CONDUCTOR

Opening of the 1917 Overture]

Mr. Bonar Law, the new Leader of the House, has made his first appearanceas Chancellor of the Exchequer. Moving a further Vote of Credit for 400millions, he disclosed the fact that the daily cost of the War was nearersix than five millions. In regard to the peace proposals he found himselfunable to better the late Prime Minister's statement that the Allies wouldrequire "adequate reparation for the past and adequate security for thefuture. " In lucidity and dignity of statement Mr. Asquith was certainlyabove criticism. Lord Devonport has been appointed Food Controller andwarned us of rigours to come. The most thrilling speech heard atWestminster this month has been that of Major Willie Redmond, fresh fromthe invigorating atmosphere of the front. While some seventy oddNationalist Members are mainly occupied in brooding over Ireland's woes, two are serving in the trenches--William Redmond and Stephen Gwynn, both ofthem middle-aged men. _O si sic omnes_!

Our wounded need all their patience to put up with the curiosity ofnon-combatants. A lady, after asking a Tommy on leave what the stripes onhis arm were for, being told that they were one for each time he waswounded, is reported to have observed, "Dear me! How extraordinary that youshould be wounded three times in the same place!" Even real affection isnot always happily expressed. 

[Illustration:

"Have you brought me any souvenirs?"

"Only this little bullet that the doctor took out of my side. "

"I wish it had been a German helmet. "]

The tenderness with which King Constantine is still treated, even after theriot in Athens in which our bluejackets have been badly mishandled, istaxing the patience of moderate men. Mr. Punch, for example, exasperated bythe cumulative effect of Tino's misdeeds, has been goaded into making aformidable forecast of surrender or exit:

 You say your single aim is just to use Your regal gifts for your beloved nation; Why, then, I see the obvious line to choose, Meaning, of course, the path of abdication; Make up your so-called mind--I frankly would-- To leave your country for your country's good. 

The German Emperor was prevented from being present at the funeral of thelate Emperor Francis Joseph by a chill. One is tempted to think that in alucid interval of self-criticism William of Hohenzollern may have wished tospare his aged victim this crowning mockery. 

Motto for Meatless Days: "The time is out of joint. " This is a _raison deplus_ for establishing an _Entente_ in the kitchen and gettingMarianne to show Britannia how to cook a cabbage. 

_January, 1917_. 

Though the chariots of War still drive heavily, 1917 finds the Allies ingood heart--"war-weary but war-hardened. " The long agony of Verdun hasended in triumph for the French, and Great Britain has answered the PeaceTalk of Berlin by calling a War Conference of the Empire. The New Year hasbrought us a new Prime Minister, a new Cabinet, a new style of Minister. Captains of Commerce are diverted from their own business for the benefitof the country. In spite of all rumours to the contrary Lord Northclifferemains outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave. And in this context Mr. Punch feels that a tribute is due to the outgoingPremier. Always reserved and intent, he discouraged Press gossip to such adegree as actually to have turned the key on the Tenth Muse. Interviewershad no chance. He came into office, held it and left it without a singleconcession to Demos' love of personalia. 

[Illustration: THE DAWN OF DOUBT

GRETCHEN: "I wonder if this gentleman really is my good angel after all!"]

Germany has not yet changed her Chancellor, though he is being bitterlyattacked for his "silly ideas of humanity"--and her rulers have certainlyshown no change of heart. General von Bissing's retirement from Belgium isdue to health, not repentance. The Kaiser still talks of his "conscience"and "courage" in freeing the world from the pressure which weighs upon all. He is still the same Kaiser and Constantine the same "Tino, " who, as the_Berliner Tageblatt_ bluntly remarks, "has as much right to be heardas a common criminal. " Yet signs are not wanting of misgivings in theGerman people. 

Mr. Wilson has launched a new phrase on the world--"Peace without Victory";but War is not going to be ended by phrases, and the man who is doing morethan anyone else to end it--the British infantryman--has no use for them:

 The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury, The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be, The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back, In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack; Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job say I) Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high, But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began, Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman. 

 The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in, And the Hun is fain for home again when the T. M. B. S begin, And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet, But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet. Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit, He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit; Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can; He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!

 Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire-- Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the wire! Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump clear! Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! And duck when the shells come near! Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench, With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden khaki's stench! Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can-- This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman. 

And if anyone should think that this means the permanent establishment ofmilitarism in our midst let him be comforted by the saying of an oldsergeant-major when asked to give a character of one of his men. "He's agood man in the trenches, and a good man in a scrap; but you'll never makea soldier of him. " The new armies fight all the harder because they want tomake an end not of this war but of all wars. As for the regulars, there isno need to enlarge on their valour. But it is pleasant to put on record thedescription of an officer's servant which has reached Mr. Punch fromFrance: "Valet, cook, porter, boots, chamber-maid, ostler, carpenter, upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, needlewoman, coalheaver, diplomat, barber, linguist (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete pantechnicon andinfallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very old soldier, and aman of the most human kind. "

Parliament is not sitting, but there is, unfortunately, no truth in thereport that in order to provide billets for 5, 000 new typists andincidentally to win the War, the Government has commandeered the Houses ofParliament. The _Times Literary Supplement_ received 335 books oforiginal verse in 1916, and it is rumoured that Mr. Edward Marsh may veryshortly take up his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. Marsh has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. Asquith or Mr. Winston Churchill as his private secretary. Meanwhile, a full list of theprivate secretaries of the new private secretaries of the members of thenew Government may at any moment be disclosed to a long suffering public. 

On the Home Front the situation shows that a famous literary critic wasalso a true prophet:

 O Matthew Arnold! You were right: We need more Sweetness and more Light; For till we break the brutal foe, Our sugar's short, our lights are low. 

The domestic problem daily grows more acute. A maid, who asked for a risein her wages to which her mistress demurred, explained that the gentlemanshe walked out with had just got a job in a munition factory and she wouldbe obliged to dress up to him. 

[Illustration:

COOK (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is going to think itover):

"'Ullo! Prambilator! If you'd told me you 'ad children I needn't havetroubled meself to 'ave come. "

THE PROSPECTIVE MISTRESS: "Oh! B-but if you think the place wouldotherwise suit you, I dare say we could board the children out. "]

Maids are human, however, though their psychology is sometimesdisconcerting. One who was told by her mistress not to worry because heryoung man had gone into the trenches responded cheerfully, "Oh, no, ma'am, I've left off worrying now. He can't walk out with anyone else while he'sthere. "

[Illustration: THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY]

_February_ 1917, The rulers of Germany--the Kaiser and his War-lords--proclaimed themselvesthe enemies of the human race in the first weeks of the War. But it hastaken two years and a half to break down the apparently inexhaustiblepatience of the greatest of the neutrals. A year and three-quarters haselapsed since the sinking of the _Lusitania_. The forbearance ofPresident Wilson--in the face of accumulated insults, interference in theinternal politics of the United States, the promotion of strikes and_sabotage_ by the agents of Count Bernstorff--has exposed him to hardand even bitter criticism from his countrymen. Perhaps he over-estimatedthe strength of the German-American and Pacificist elements. But hisdifficulties are great, and his long suffering diplomacy has at least thismerit, that if America enters the War it will be as a united people. Germany's decision to resort to unrestricted submarine warfare on February1 is the last straw: now even Mr. Henry Ford has offered to place his worksat the disposal of the American authorities. 

Day by day we read long lists of merchant vessels sunk by U-boats, andwhile the Admiralty's reticence on the progress of the anti-submarinecampaign is legitimate and necessary, the withholding of statistics of newconstruction does not make for optimism. Victory will be ours, but notwithout effort. The great crisis of the War is not passed. That has beenthe burden of all the speeches at the opening of Parliament from the King'sdownward. 

Lord Curzon, who declared that we were now approaching "the supreme andterrible climax of the War, " has spoken of the late Duke of Norfolk as aman "diffident about powers which were in excess of the ordinary. " Is notthat true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under the stress of along-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and strength of itslatent forces. The tide is turning rapidly in Mesopotamia. General Maude, who never failed to inspire the men under his command on the Western frontwith a fine offensive spirit, has already justified his appointment bycapturing Kut, and starting on a great drive towards Baghdad. 

[Illustration: THE LAST THROW]

On the Salonika front, to quote from one of Mr. Punch's ever-increasingstaff of correspondents, "all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgarvile. " On the Western front the British have taken Grandcourt, and our"Mudlarks, " encamped on an ocean of ooze, preserve a miraculous equanimityin spite of the attention of rats and cockroaches and the vagaries of thetransport mule. 

[Illustration:

HEAD OF GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT (in his private room in recently commandeeredhotel): "Boy! Bring some more coal!"]

At home the commandeering of hotels to house the new Ministries proceedsapace, and a request from an inquiring peer for a comprehensive return ofall the buildings requisitioned and the staffs employed has been declinedon the ground that to provide it would put too great a strain on officialsengaged on work essential to winning the War. 

The criticisms on the late Cabinet for its bloated size have certainly notled to any improvement in this respect, and one of the late Ministers hascomplained that the Administration has been further magnified until, if allits members, including under-secretaries, were present, they would fill notone but three Treasury Benches. Already this is a much congested districtat question-time and the daily scene of a great push. Up to the presentthere are, however, only thirty-three actual Ministers of the Crown, andtheir salaries only amount to the trifle of £133, 000. The setting up of aWar Cabinet, "a body utterly unknown to the law, " has excited theresentment of Mr. Swift MacNeill, whose reverence for the Constitution(save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds; and Mr. Lynchhas expressed the view that it would be a good idea if Ireland werespecially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegatesmight assert her right to self-government. 

England, in February, 1917, seems to deserve the title of "the great LoanLand. " Amateurs of anagrams have found satisfaction in the identity of"Bonar Law" with "War Loan B. " As a cynic has remarked, "in the midst oflife we are in debt. " But the champions of national economy are not happy. The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over twothousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surpluswhich can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers. Our great warriorsare in danger of being swamped by our small but innumerable officials. 

[Illustration: A PLAIN DUTY

"Well, good-bye, old chap, and good luck! I'm going in here to do my bit, the best way I can. The more everybody scrapes together for the War Loan, the sooner you'll be back from the trenches. "]

The older Universities, given over for two years to wounded soldiers and ahandful of physically unfit or coloured undergraduates, are regaining asemblance of life by the housing of cadet battalions in some colleges. TheRhodes scholars have all joined up, and normal academic life is still inabeyance:

 In Tom his Quad the Bloods no longer flourish; Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos; The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish Are in the trenches giving Fritz the Blues, And many a stout D. D. Is digging trenches with the V. T. C. 

[Illustration: The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land. ]

It is true that Mr. Bernard Shaw has visited the front. No reason isassigned for this rash act, and too little has been made of the fact thathe wore khaki just like an ordinary person. Amongst other signs of thetimes we note that women are to be licensed as taxi-drivers:

 War has taught the truth that shines Through the poet's noble lines: "Common are to either sex _Artifex and opifex_. "

A new danger is involved in the spread of the Army Signalling Alphabet. Thenames of Societies are threatened. The dignity of Degrees is menaced by acode which converts B. A. Into Beer Ack. Initials are no longer sacred, andthe great T. P. Will become Toc Pip O'Connor, unless some Emma Pipintroduces a Bill to prevent the sacrilege. 

_March, _ 1917. 

With the end of Tsardom in Russia, the fall of Baghdad, and the strategicretreat of Hindenburg on the Western front, all crowded into one month, March fully maintains its reputation for making history at the expense ofCaesars and Kaisers. It seems only the other day when the Tsar's assumptionof the title of Generalissimo lent new strength to the legend of the"Little Father. " But the forces of "unholy Russia"--Pro-German Ministersand the sinister figure of Rasputin--have combined to his undoing, and nownone is so poor to do him reverence. In the House of Commons everybodyseems pleased, including Mr. Devlin, who has been quite statesmanlike inhis appreciation, and the Prime Minister, in one of his angelic visits tothe House, evoked loud cheers by describing the Revolution as one of thelandmarks in the history of the world. But no one noticed that Sir HenryCampbell-Bannerman's outburst in 1906, just after the dissolution ofRussia's first elected Parliament: "_La Duma est morte; vive la Duma_!" has now been justified by the event--at any rate for the moment, forRevolutions are rich in surprises and reactions. The capture of Baghdadinspires no misgivings, except in the bosoms of Nationalist members, whodetect in the manifesto issued by General Maude fresh evidences of Britishhypocrisy. 

The fleet of Dutch merchantmen, which has been sunk by a waiting submarine, sailed under a German guarantee of "relative security. " Germany is so oftenmisunderstood. It should be obvious by this time that her attitude toInternational Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The shellswith which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells, and the_Lusitania_ was sunk by a relative torpedo. Neutrals all over theworld, who are smarting just now under a fresh manifestation of Germany'srespective goodwill, should try to realise before they take any action whatis the precise situation of our chief enemy: He has (relatively) won theWar; he has (virtually) broken the resistance of the Allies; he has(conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in particular he is(morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight appear to be prettyheavily involved, but that soon will be adjusted by (hypothetical)indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) reserves of men; he has(theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is(controvertibly) at hand. But his most impressive argument, which cannotfail to come home to hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latestexhibition of offensive power, namely, in his (putative) advance--upon theAncre. 

A grave statement made by the Under-Secretary for War as to the recentlosses of the Royal Flying Corps on the Western front and the increasedactivity of the German airmen has created some natural depression. Thecommand of the air fluctuates, but the spirit of our airmen is a sureearnest that the balance will be redressed in our favour. Mr. Punch hasalready paid his tribute to the British infantryman. Let him now do hishomage to the heroes whose end is so often disguised under the laconicannouncement: "One of our machines did not return. "

[Illustration: ALSO RAN

WILHELM: "Are you luring them on, like me?" MEHMED: "I'm afraid I am!"]

 I like to think it did not fall to earth, A wounded bird that trails a broken wing, But to the heavenly blue that gave it birth, Faded in silence, a mysterious thing, Cleaving its radiant course where honour lies Like a winged victory mounting to the skies. 

 The clouds received it, and the pathless night; Swift as a flame, its eager force unspent, We saw no limit to its daring flight; Only its pilot knew the way it went, And how it pierced the maze of flickering stars Straight to its goal in the red planet Mars. 

 So to the entrance of that fiery gate, Borne by no current, driven by no breeze, Knowing no guide but some compelling fate, Bold navigators of uncharted seas, Courage and youth went proudly sweeping by, To win the unchallenged freedom of the sky. 

Parliament has been occupied with many matters, from the Report of theDardanelles Commission to the grievances of Scots bee-keepers. The woes ofIreland have not been forgotten, and the Nationalists have been busilyengaged in getting Home Rule out of cold storage. Hitherto every attempt ofthe British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of Destiny up the Hill of Tara hasfound a couple of Irishmen at the top ready to roll it down again. Let ushope that this time they will co-operate to install it there as the throneof a loyal and united Ireland. Believers in the "Hidden Hand" have been onthe war-path, and as a result of prolonged discussion as to theresponsibility for the failure of the effort to force the Dardanelles, theHouse is evidently of opinion that Lord Fisher might now be let alone byfoes and friends. The idea of blaming _Queen Elisabeth_ for the fiascois so entirely satisfactory to all parties concerned that one wonders whythe Commission couldn't have thought of that itself. 

[Illustration: THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE]

Mr. Bernard Shaw, returned from his "joy-ride" at the Front, has declaredthat "there is no monument more enduring than brass"; the general feeling, however, is that there is a kind of brass that is beyond enduring. Armageddon is justified since it has given him a perfectly glorious time. He is obliged, in honesty, to state that the style of some of the buildingswrecked by the Germans was quite second rate. He entered and emerged fromthe battle zone without any vulgar emotion; remaining immune from pity, sorrow, or tears. In short:

 He went through the fiery furnace, but never a hair was missed From the heels of our most colossal Arch-Super-Egotist. 

According to the latest news from Sofia, 35, 000 Bulgarian geese are to beallowed to go to Germany. As in the case of the Bulgarian Fox who went toVienna, there appears to be little likelihood that they will ever return. 

[Illustration: FOOD RESTRICTION

SCENE: HOTEL. 

LITTLE GIRL: "Oh, Mummy! They've given me a dirty plate. "

MOTHER: "Hush, darling. That's the soup. "]

Apropos of food supplies, Lord Devonport has developed a sense of judicialhumour, having approved a new dietary for prisoners, under which the breadration will be cut down to 63 ounces per week, or just one ounce less thanthe allowance of the free and independent Englishman. The latest morninggreeting is now: "_Comment vous Devonportez-vous?_"

_April_, 1917. 

Once more the rulers of Germany have failed to read the soul of anothernation. They thought there was no limit to America's forbearance, and theythought wrong. America is now "all in" on the side of the Allies. The Starsand Stripes and the Union Jack are flying side by side over the Houses ofParliament. On the motion introduced in both Houses to welcome our newAlly, Mr. Bonar Law, paraphrasing Canning, declared that the New World hadstepped in to redress the balance of the old; Mr. Asquith, with afellow-feeling, no doubt, lauded the patience which had enabled PresidentWilson to carry with him a united nation; and Lord Curzon quoted BretHarte. The memory of some unfortunate phrases is obliterated by thePresident's historic message to Congress, and his stirring appeal to hiscountrymen to throw their entire weight into the Allied scale. The War, physically as well as morally, is now _Germania contra Mundum_. Yet, while we hail the advent of a powerful and determined Ally, there is nodisposition to throw up our hats. The raw material of manpower in Americais magnificent in numbers and quality, but it has to be equipped andtrained and brought across the Atlantic. Many months, perhaps a whole year, must elapse before its weight can be felt on the battle front. Thetransport of a million men over submarine-infested seas is no easy task. But while we must wait for the coming of the Americans on land, their helpin patrolling the seas may be counted on speedily. 

[Illustration:

THE NEW-COMER: "My village, I think?"

THE ONE IN POSSESSION: "Sorry, old thing; I took it half-an-hour ago. "]

[Illustration: SWOOPING FROM THE WEST

(_It is the intention of our new Ally to assist us in the patrolling ofthe Atlantic_. )]

The British have entered Péronne; the Canadians have captured Vimy Ridge. But the full extent of German frightfulness has never been so clearlydisplayed as in their retreat. Here, for once, the German account of theirown doings is true. "In the course of these last months great stretches ofFrench territory have been turned by us into a dead country. It varies inwidth from 10 to 12 or 13 kilometres, and extends along the whole of ournew positions. No village or farm was left standing, no road was leftpassable, no railway track or embankment was left in being. Where once werewoods, there are gaunt rows of stumps; the wells have been blown up. .. . Infront of our new positions runs, like a gigantic ribbon, our Empire ofDeath" (_Lokal Anzeiger_, March 18, 1917). The general opinion of theBoche among the British troops is that he is only good at one thing, andthat is destroying other people's property. One of Mr. Punch'scorrespondents writes to say that while the flattened villages and severedfruit trees are a gruesome spectacle, for him "all else was forgotten inspeechless admiration of the French people. 

"Their self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These hundreds ofhonest people, just relieved from the domineering of the Master Swine, andrestored to their own good France again, were neither hysterical norexhausted. " The names of the new German lines--Wotan and Siegfried andHunding--are not without significance. We accept the omen: it will not belong before we hear of fresh German activities in the _Götterdämmerung_line. Count Reventlow has informed the Kaiser that without victory acontinuation of the Monarchy is improbable. The "repercussion" ofRevolution is making itself felt. Even the Crown Prince is reportedto have felt misgivings as to the infection of anti-monarchial ideas, and Mr. Punch is moved to forecast possibilities of upheaval:

 Not that the Teuton's stolid wits Are built to plan so rude a plot; Somehow I cannot picture Fritz Careering as a _sans-culotte_; Schooled to obedience, hand and heart, I can imagine nothing odder Than such behaviour on the part Of inoffensive cannon-fodder. 

 And yet one never really knows. You cannot feed his massive trunk On fairy tales of beaten foes, Or Hindenburg's "victorious" bunk; And if his rations run too short Through this accursed British blockade, Even the worm may turn and sport A revolutionary cockade. 

On the German Roll of Dishonour this month appears the name of one who hasbeen _grande et conspicuum nostro quoque tempore monstrum_. BaronMoritz Ferdinand von Bissing, the German Military Governor-General ofBelgium, who was largely responsible for the murder of Nurse Cavell and thechief instigator of the infamous Belgian deportations, after being granteda rest from his labours, is reported to have died "of overwork. " Here foronce we find ourselves in perfect agreement with the official German view. In a recent character sketch of the deceased Baron, the _CologneGazette_ observed, "He is a fine musician, and his execution was good. "It would have been. 

The proceedings in Parliament do not call for extended comment. Mr. Asquithhas handsomely recanted his hostility to women's suffrage, admitting thatby their splendid services in the war women have worked out their ownelectoral salvation. An old spelling-book used to tell us that "it isagreeable to watch the unparalleled embarrassment of a harassed pedlar whengauging the symmetry of a peeled pear. " Lord Devonport, occupied indeciding on the exact architecture and decoration of the Bath bun (officialsealed pattern), would make a companion picture. For the rest the House hasbeen occupied with the mysteries of combing and re-combing. The best Warsaying of the month was that of Mr. Swift MacNeill, in reference toproposed peace overtures, that it would be time enough to talk about peacewhen the Germans ceased to blow up hospital ships. 

[Illustration:

DYNASTIC AMENITIES

LITTLE WILLIE (of Prussia): "As one Crown Prince to another, isn't yourHindenburg line getting a bit shaky?"

RUPPRECHT (of Bavaria): "Well, as one Crown Prince to another, what aboutyour Hohenzollern line?"]

Although the streets may have been sweetened by the absence of posters, days will come, it must be remembered, when we shall badly miss them. Itgoes painfully to one's heart to think that the embargo, if it is everlifted, will not be lifted in time for most of the events which we all mostdesire--events that clamour to be recorded in the largest black type, suchas "Strasbourg French Again, " "Flight of the Crown Prince, " "Revolution inGermany, " "The Kaiser a Captive, " and last and best of all, "Peace. " ButMr. Punch, with many others, has no sympathy to spare for the sorrows ofthe headline artist deprived for the time being of his chief opportunity ofscaremongering. 

In the competition of heroism and self-sacrifice the prize must fall to theyoung--to the Tommy and the Second Lieutenant before all. Yet a very goodmark is due to the retired Admirals who have accepted commissions in theR. N. R. , and are mine-sweeping or submarine-hunting in command of trawlers. Yes, "Captain Dug-out, R. N. R. , " is a fine disproof of _si vieillessepouvait_. 

[Illustration: TORPEDOED MINE-SWEEPER (to his pal): "As I was a-saying, Bob, when we was interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokesain't on 'arf as risky a job as the boys in the airy-o-planes. "]

According to the _Pall Mall Gazette_, Mr. Lloyd George's double wasseen at Cardiff the other day. The suggestion that there are two LloydGeorges has caused consternation among the German Headquarters Staff. Butwe are not exempt from troubles and anxieties in England. The bones of awoolly rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below the surface atHigh Wycombe, and very strong language has been used in the localityconcerning this gross example of food-hoarding. The weather, too, has beenbehaving oddly. On one day of Eastertide there was an inch of snow inLiverpool, followed by hailstones, lightning, thunder, and a gale of wind. Summer has certainly arrived very early. But at least we are to be spared aGeneral Election this year--for fear that it might clash with the otherWar. 

_May_, 1917. 

In England, once but no longer merry though not downhearted, in this oncemerry month of May, the question of Food and Food Production now dominatesall others. It is the one subject that the House of Commons seems to careabout. John Bull, who has invested a mint of money in other lands, realisesthat it is high time that he put something into his own--in the shape ofCorn Bounties. Mr. Prothero, in moving the second reading of the CornProduction Bill, while admitting that he had originally been opposed toState interference with agriculture, showed all the zeal of the convert--tothe dismay of the hard-shell Free Traders. 

The Food Controller asks us to curtail our consumption of bread byone-fourth. Here, at least, non-combatants have an opportunity of showingthemselves to be as good patriots as the Germans and of earning theepitaph: "Much as he loved the staff of life, he loved his country evenmore. "

[Illustration: "No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. Poor Herbert has got a touch of allotment feet. "]

On the Western Front the German soldiers' opinion of "retirement accordingto plan" may be expressed as "each for himself and the Devil take theHindenburg. " One of them, recently taken prisoner, actually wrote, "When wego to the Front we become the worst criminals. " This generous attempt toshield his superiors deserves to be appreciated, but it does not dispel thebelief that the worst criminals are still a good way behind the Germanlines. The inspired German Press has now got to the point of asserting that"there is no Hindenburg line. " Well, that implies prophetic sense:

 And if a British prophet may Adopt their graphic present tense, I would remark--and so forestall A truth they'll never dare to trench on-- _There is no Hindenburg at all, Or none worth mention_. 

According to our Watch Dog correspondent, recent movements show that thelawless German "has attained little by his destructiveness save thediscomfort of H. Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; moremerrily, perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers lovedifficulties to overcome. That is their business in life. " This is the waythat young officers write "in the brief interludes snatched from hardfighting and hard fatigues. " Their letters "never pretend to be more thanthe gay and cynical banter of those who bring to the perils of life at theFront an incurable habit of humour, and they are typical of that bravespirit, essentially English, that makes light of the worst that fate cansend. " That is how one brave officer wrote of the letters of a dead comradeto _Punch_ only a few weeks before his own death. 

[Illustration: A BAD DREAM

SPECTRE: "Well, if you don't like the look of me, eat less bread. "]

The French have taken Craonne; saluting has been abolished in the RussianArmy; and Germany has been giving practical proof of her friendliness toSpain by torpedoing her merchant ships. A new star has swum into theRevolutionary firmament, by name Lenin. According to the Swedish Press thisinteresting anarchist has been missing for two days, and it remains to beseen if he will yet make a hit. Meanwhile the Kaiser is doing his bit inthe unfamiliar rôle of pro-Socialist. 

Newmarket has become "a blasted heath, " all horse-racing having beenstopped, to the great dismay of the Irish members. What are the hundredthousand young men (or is it two?), who refuse to fight for their country, to do? Mr. Lloyd George has produced and expounded his plan for an IrishConvention, at which Erin is to take a turn at her own harp, and theproposal has been favourably received, except by Mr. Ginnell, in whose earsthe Convention "sounds the dirge of the Home Rule Act. "

[Illustration: HIS LATEST!

THE KAISER: "This is sorry work for a Hohenzollern; still, necessity knowsno traditions. "]

_A Garden Glorified_

Mr. Bonar Law has brought in a Budget, moved a vote of credit for 500millions, and apologised for estimating the war expenditure at 5 1/2millions a day when it turned out to be 7 1/2. The trivial lapse hasbeen handsomely condoned by his predecessor, Mr. McKenna. The Budgetdebate was held with open doors, but produced a number of speeches muchmore suitable for the Secret Session which followed, and at which itappears from the Speaker's Report that nothing sensational was revealed. 

The House of Commons, unchanged externally, has deteriorated spiritually, to judge by the temper of most of those who have remained behind. It isotherwise with other Institutions, some of which have been ennobled bydisfigurement. 

 A PLACE OF ARMS

 I knew a garden green and fair, Flanking our London river's tide, And you would think, to breathe its air And roam its virgin lawns beside, All shimmering in their velvet fleece, "Nothing can hurt this haunt of Peace. "

 No trespass marred that close retreat; Privileged were the few that went Pacing its walks with measured beat On legal contemplation bent; And Inner Templars used to say: "How well our garden looks to-day!"

 But That which changes all has changed This guarded pleasaunce, green and fair, And soldier-ranks therein have ranged And trod its beauties hard and bare, Have tramped and tramped its fretted floor, Learning the discipline of War. 

 And many a moon of Peace shall climb Above that mimic field of Mars, Before the healing touch of Time With springing green shall hide its scars; But Inner Templars smile and say: "Our barrack-square looks well to-day!"

 Good was that garden in their eyes, Lovely its spell of long-ago; Now waste and mired its glory lies, And yet they hold it dearer so, Who see beneath the wounds it bears A grace no other garden wears. 

 For still the memory, never sere, But fresh as after fallen rain, Of those who learned their lesson here And may not ever come again, Gives to this garden, bruised and browned, A greenness as of hallowed ground. 

News comes from Athens that King Constantine is realising his position andcontemplates abdication in favour of the Crown Prince George. It is not yetknown in whose favour the Crown Prince George will abdicate. In thiscontext the _Kölnische Zeitung_ is worth quoting. "The German people, "it says, "will not soon forget what they owe to their future Emperor. " Thisspasm of candour is not confined to the Rhineland. The keenest minds inGermany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking to discover thesecret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is this absurdsensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is causing some ofher best friends in this country to lose hope. 

Genius has been denned as an infinite capacity for taking pains; and if thedefinition is sound, genius cannot be denied to the painstaking officialswho test the physical fitness of recruits--"as in the picture. "

The month has witnessed the amendment of the President's much discussedphrase: "Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too. " Anotherrevised version is suggested by Margarine: _C'est magnifique, mais cen'est pas le beurre_. The German Food Controller laments the mysteriousdisappearance of five million four hundred thousand pigs this year. Theidea of having the Crown Prince's baggage searched does not seem to havebeen found feasible. 

[Illustration: OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS

Or, the Recruit that was passed at the thirteenth examination. ]

_June_, 1917. 

Within some eleven weeks of the Declaration of War by the U. S. A. , the firstAmerican troops have been landed in France. Even the Kaiser has begun toabate his thrasonic tone, declaring that "it is not the Prussian way topraise oneself, " and that "it is now a matter of holding out, however longit lasts. "

But other events besides the arrival of the Americans have helped to bringabout this altered tone. The capture of Messines Ridge, after the biggestbang in history, has given him something to think about. Hisbrother-in-law, Constantine of Greece, has at last thrown up the sponge andabdicated. "Tino's" place of exile is not yet fixed. The odds seem to be onSwitzerland, but Mr. Punch recommends Denmark. There is no place like home:

 Try some ancestral palace, well appointed; For choice the one where Hamlet nursed his spite, Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed And he was not the man to put 'em right; And there consult on that enchanted shore The ghosts of Elsinore. 

Brazil has also entered the War, and Germany is now able to shoot in almostany direction without any appreciable risk of hitting a friend. 

Field-Marshal Sir Douglas Haig gave the nation a birthday present on hisown birthday, in the shape of a dispatch which is as strong and straight ashimself:

 Frugal in speech, yet more than once impelled To utter words of confidence and cheer Whereat some dismal publicists rebelled As premature, ill-founded, insincere-- Words none the less triumphantly upheld By Victory's verdict, resonantly clear, Words that inspired misgiving in the foe Because you do not prophesy--you _know_. 

 Steadfast and calm, unmoved by blame or praise, By local checks or Fortune's strange caprices, You dedicate laborious nights and days To shattering the Hun machine to pieces; And howsoe'er at times the battle sways The Army's trust in your command increases; Patient in preparation, swift in deed, We find in you the leader that we need. 

[Illustration: A WORD OF ILL OMEN

CROWN PRINCE (to Kaiser, drafting his next speech): "For Gott's sake, father, be careful this time, and don't call the American Army'contemptible. '"]

A new feature of the German armies are the special "storm-troops"; menpicked for their youth, vigour, and daring, and fortified by a speciallyliberal diet for the carrying out of counter-attacks. Even our ordinaryBritish soldiers, who are constantly compelled to take these brave fellowsprisoners, bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance. 

On our Home Front the Germans have shown considerable activity of late. Daylight air-raids are no longer the monopoly of the South-east coast; theyhave extended to London. And a weekly paper, conspicuous for the insistencewith which it proclaims its superiority to all others, has been asking: If17 German aeroplanes can visit and bomb London in broad daylight, what isto prevent our enemy from sending 170 or even 1, 700? Fortunately theaverage man and woman pays no heed to this scare-mongering, and goes abouthis or her business, if not rejoicing, at any rate in the conviction thatthe Gothas are not going to have it all their own way. 

Considering that the "Fort of London" had been drenched with the "ghastlydew" of aerial navies barely three hours before Parliament met on June 13, Members showed themselves uncommon calm. They were at their best a few daysearlier in paying homage to Major Willie Redmond. It had been his ambitionto be Father of the House: he had been elected thirty-four years ago; butin reality he was the Eternal Boy from the far-off time when it was hisnightly delight to "cheek" Mr. Speaker Brand with delightful exuberanceuntil the moment of his glorious death in Flanders, whither he had gone atan age when most of his compeers were content to play the critic in a snugcorner of the smoking-room. Personal affection combined with admiration forhis gallantry to inspire the speeches in which Mr. Lloyd George, Mr. Asquith, and Sir Edward Carson enshrined the most remarkable tribute everpaid to a private Member. 

Mr. Balfour has returned safe and sound from his Mission to the States, andreceived a warm welcome on all sides. Even the ranks of Tuscany, on theIrish benches, could not forbear to cheer their old opponent. Besidessecuring American gold for his country, he has transferred some Americanbronze to his complexion. If anything, he appears to have sharpened hisnatural faculty for skilful evasion and polite repartee by his encounterwith Transatlantic journalists. In fact everybody is pleased to see himback except perhaps certain curious members, who find him even more charyof information than his deputy, Lord Robert Cecil. The mystery of LordNorthcliffe's visit to the States has been cleared up. Certain journals, believed to enjoy his confidence, had described him as "Mr. Balfour'ssuccessor. " Certain other journals, whose confidence he does not enjoy, haddeclined to believe this. The fact as stated by Mr. Bonar Law is that "itis hoped that Lord Northcliffe will be able to carry on the work begun byMr. Balfour as head of the British Mission in America. He is expected toco-ordinate and supervise the work of all the Departmental Missions. " Ithas been interesting to learn that his lordship "will have the right ofcommunicating direct with the Prime Minister"--a thing which, of course, hehas never done before. Meanwhile, the fact remains that his departure hasbeen hailed with many a dry eye, and that the public seem to be enduringtheir temporary bereavement with fortitude. 

[Illustration: MRS. GREEN TO MRS. JONES (who is gazing at an aeroplane):"My word! I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settleon me. "]

Far too much fuss has been made about trying to stop Messrs. RamsayMacDonald and Jowett from leaving England. So far as we can gather they didnot threaten to return to this country afterwards. There is no end to thewoes of Pacificists, conscientious or otherwise. The Press campaign againstyoung men of military age engaged in Government offices is causing some ofthem sleepless days. Even on the stage the "conchy" is not safe. 

[Illustration: STAGE MANAGER: "The elephant's putting in a very spiritedperformance to-night. "

CARPENTER. "Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldier, andthe front legs is an out-and-out pacificist. "]

The King has done a popular act in abolishing the German titles held bymembers of his family, and Mr. Kennedy Jones has won widespread approval bydeclaring that beer is a food. 

Lord Devonport's retirement from the post of Food Controller has beenreceived with equanimity. There is a touch of imagination, almost ofromance, in the appointment of his successor, the redoubtable Lord Rhondda, who as "D. A. " was alternately the bogy and idol of the Welsh miners, andwho, after being the head of the greatest profit-making enterprise in theWelsh coalfields, is now summoned to carry on war against the profiteers inthe provision trade. 

In Germany a number of lunatics have been called up for military service, and the annual report of one institution at Stettin states that "theasylums are proud that their inmates are allowed to serve theirFatherland. " It appears, however, that the results are not alwayssatisfactory, though no complaints have been heard on our side. 

_July_, 1917. 

The War, so Lord Northcliffe has informed the Washington Red CrossCommittee, has only just begun. Whether this utterance be regarded as astatement of fact or an explosion of rhetoric, it has at least one merit. The United States cannot but regard it as a happy coincidence that theirentry into the War synchronises with the initial operations. The dog-daysare always busy times for the Dogs of War, and the last month of the thirdyear opened with the new Russian Offensive under Brusiloff, and closed withthe beginning of the Third Battle of Ypres. The War in the air and underthe sea rages with unabated intensity, and in both Houses the policy ofunmitigated reprisals on German cities has found strenuous advocates. ButLord Derby, our new Minister of War, will have none of it. Britishaeroplanes shall only be employed in bombing where some distinctly militaryobject is to be achieved. But this decision does not involve any slacknessin defensive measures. We have learned how to deal with the Zepp, and nowwe are going to attend to the Gotha. As for the U-boats, the Admiralty sayslittle but does much. And we are adding to vigilance, valour, and theresources of applied science the further aid of agriculture. 

In the old days the Kaiser was once described as "indefatigably changingChancellors and uniforms. " Dr. Bethmann-Hollweg has now gone the way of hisgreater predecessors--Bismarck and Caprivi, Prince Hohenlohe and PrinceBülow. 

[Illustration: THE TUBER'S REPARTEE

GERMAN PIRATE; "Gott strafe England!"

BRITISH POTATO: "Tuber über Alles!"]

The Princes and the Peers depart, and the Doctors are following suit. Bethmann-Hollweg, immortalised by one fatal phrase, has been at last huntedfrom office by the extremists whom he sought to restrain, and Dr. Michaelis, a second-rate administrator, of negligible antecedents, succeedsto his uneasy chair, while the Kaiser maintains his pose as the friend ofthe people. He has congratulated his Bayreuth Dragoons on their prowess, which has given joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields":

 Perhaps; but what if he is down below? In any case, what we should like to know Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz, Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits Because his Emperor has lost his wits. 

[Illustration: THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED]

_Delirant reges_: but there are bright exceptions. On July 17 our Kingin Council decreed that the Royal House should be known henceforth as theHouse of Windsor. Parliament has been flooded with the backwash of theMesopotamia Commission, and at last on third thoughts the Government hasdecided not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons affected by theReport. Mr. Austen Chamberlain has resigned office amid general regret. TheGovernment have refused, "on the representations of the Foreign Secretary, "to accept the twice proffered resignation of Lord Hardinge. The plainperson is driven to the conclusion that if there are no unsinkable shipsthere are some unsinkable officials. For the rest the question mainlyagitating Members has been "to warn or not to warn. " The Lord Mayor hasannounced that he will not ring the great bell of St. Paul's; but the HomeSecretary states that the public will be warned in future when an air raidis actually imminent. 

[Illustration: BUSY CITY MAN TO HIS PARTNER (as one of the new air-raidwarnings gets to work): "If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'llcarry on while you take shelter during the raids. "]

During these visitations there is nothing handier than a comfortable andcapacious Cave, but the Home Secretary has his limitations. When Mr. Kingasked him to be more careful about interning alien friends without trial, since he (Mr. King) had just heard of the great reception accorded inPetrograd to one Trotsky on his release from internment, Sir George Cavereplied that he was sorry he had never heard of Trotsky. 

Lord Rhondda reigns in Lord Devonport's place, and will doubtless profit byhis predecessor's experience. It is a thankless job, but the great body ofthe nation is determined that he shall have fair play and will support himthrough thick and thin in any policy, however drastic, that he mayrecommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business offood-controlling is new to us as well as to him, but we are willing to beled, and we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to him forhaving engaged his reputation and skill and firmness in the task of leadingor driving us. 

The War has its _grandes heures_, its colossal glories and disasters, but the tragedy of the "little things" affects the mind of the simplesoldier with a peculiar force--the "little gardens rooted up, the same asmight be ours"; "the little 'ouses all in 'eaps, the same as might bemine"; and worst of all, "the little kids, as might 'ave been our own. "Apropos of resentment, England has lost first place in Germany, for Americais said to be the most hated country now. The "morning hate" of the Germanfamily with ragtime obbligato must be a terrible thing! General von Blume, it is true, says that America's intervention is no more than "a straw. " Butwhich straw? The last?

[Illustration:

GRANDPAPA (to small Teuton struggling with home-lessons): "Come, Fritz, isyour task so difficult?"

FRITZ: "It is indeed. I have to learn all the names of _all_ thecountries that misunderstand the All-Highest. "]

It is reported that ex-King Constantine is to receive £20, 000 a yearunemployment benefit, and Mr. Punch, in prophetic vein, pictures him asoffering advice to his illustrious brother-in-law:

 Were it not wise, dear William, ere the day When Revolution goes for crowns and things, To cut your loss betimes and come this way And start a coterie of exiled Kings?

In the words of a valued correspondent (a temporary captain suddenlysummoned from the trenches to the Staff), "there is this to be said aboutbeing at war--you never know what is going to happen to you next. "

_August, 1917_. 

With the opening of the fourth year of the War Freedom renews her vow, fortified by the aid of the "Gigantic Daughter of the West, " and undauntedby the collapse of our Eastern Ally, brought about by anarchy, German goldand the fraternisation of Russian and German soldiers. The Kaiser, makingthe most of this timely boon, has once more been following in Bellona'strain (her _train de luxe_) in search of cheap _réclame_ on theGalician front, to witness the triumphs of his new Ally, RevolutionaryRussia:

 But though she fail us in the final test, Not there, not there, my child, the end shall be, But where, without your option, France and we Have made our own arrangements in the West. 

[Illustration: RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR]

It is another story on the Western Front, where the British are closing inon the wrecked remains of Lens, and the Crown Prince's chance of breakinghearts along "The Ladies' Way" grows more and more remote. 

[Illustration: THE OPTIMIST

"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions isclear--'Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to thechurch. '"]

A recent resolution of the Reichstag has been welcomed by Mr. RamsayMacDonald as the solemn pronouncement of a sovereign people, only requiringthe endorsement of the British Government to produce an immediate andequitable peace. But not much was left of this pleasant theory after Mr. Asquith had dealt it a few sledge-hammer blows. "So far as we know, " hesaid, "the influence of the Reichstag, not only upon the composition butupon the policy of the German Government, remains what it always hasbeen--a practically negligible quantity. "

The Reminiscences of Mr. Gerard, the late German Ambassador in Berlin, arecausing much perturbation in German Court circles. In one of hisconversations with Mr. Gerard, the Kaiser told him "there is no longer anyInternational Law. "

 Little scraps of paper, Little drops of ink, Make the Kaiser caper And the Nations think. 

The real voice of Labour is not that of the delegates who want to go to theInternational Socialist Conference at Stockholm to talk to Fritz, but ofthe Tommy who, after a short "leaf, " goes cheerfully back to France tofight him. And the fomenters of class hatred will not find much supportfrom the "men in blue. " Mr. Punch has had occasion to rebuke the levity ofsmart fashionables who visit the wounded and weary them by idioticquestions. He is glad to show the other side of the picture in the tributepaid to the V. A. D. Of the proper sort:

 There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro, With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go; She's as pretty as a picture, and as bright as mercury, And she wears the cap and apron of a V. A. D. 

 The Matron she is gracious, and the Sister she is kind, But they wasn't born just yesterday, and lets you know their mind; The M. O. And the Padre is as thoughtful as can be, But they ain't so good to look at as our V. A. D. 

 Not like them that wash a teacup in an orficer's canteen, And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen; She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee, And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V. A. D. 

Our Grand Fleet keeps its strenuous, unceasing vigil in the North Sea. Butwe must not forget the merchant mariners now serving under the WindsorHouse Flag in the North Atlantic trade:

 "We sweep a bit and we fight a bit--an' that's what we like the best-- But a towin' job or a salvage job, they all go in with the rest; When we ain't too busy upsettin' old Fritz an' 'is frightfulness blockade A bit of all sorts don't come amiss in the North Atlantic trade. "

 "And who's your skipper, and what is he like?" "Oh, well, if you want to know, I'm sailing under a hard-case mate as I sailed with years ago; 'E's big as a bucko an' full o' beans, the same as 'e used to be When I knowed 'im last in the windbag days when first I followed the sea. 'E was worth two men at the lee fore brace, an' three at the bunt of a sail; 'E'd a voice you could 'ear to the royal yards in the teeth of a Cape 'Orn gale; But now 'e's a full-blown lootenant, an' wears the twisted braid, Commandin' one of 'is Majesty's ships in the North Atlantic trade. "

 "And what is the ship you're sailin' in?" "Oh, she's a bit of a terror. She ain't no bloomin' levvyathan, an' that's no fatal error! She scoops the seas like a gravy spoon when the gales are up an' blowin', But Fritz 'e loves 'er above a bit when 'er fightin' fangs are showin'. The liners go their stately way an' the cruisers take their ease, But where would they be if it wasn't for us with the water up to our knees? We're wadin' when their soles are wet, we're swimmin' when they wade, For I tell you small craft gets it a treat in the North Atlantic trade!"

 "An' what is the port you're plying to?" "When the last long trick is done There'll some come back to the old 'ome port--'ere's 'opin' I'll be one; But some 'ave made a new landfall, an' sighted another shore, An' it ain't no use to watch for them, for they won't come 'ome no more. There ain't no harbour dues to pay when once they're over the bar, Moored bow and stern in a quiet berth where the lost three-deckers are. An' there's Nelson 'oldin' is' one 'and out an' welcomin' them that's made The roads o' Glory an' the Port of Death in the North Atlantic trade. "

[Illustration:

DOCTOR: "Your throat is in a very bad state. Have you ever tried garglingwith salt water?"

SKIPPER: "Yus, I've been torpedoed six times. "]

Parliament has devoted many hours of talk to the discussion of Mr. Henderson's visit to Paris in company with Mr. Ramsay MacDonald to attend aConference of French and Russian Socialists. As member of the War Cabinetand Secretary of the Labour Party he seems to have resembled one of thosetwin salad bottles from which oil and vinegar can be dispensed alternatelybut not together. The attempt to combine the two functions could only endas it began--in a double fiasco. Mr. Henderson has resigned, and Mr. Winston Churchill has been appointed Minister of Munitions. Many reasonshave been assigned for his reinclusion in the Ministry. Some say that itwas done to muzzle Mr. MacCallum Scott, hitherto one of the mostpertinacious of questionists, who, as Mr. Churchill's private secretary, isnow debarred by Parliamentary etiquette from the exercise of theseinquisitorial functions. Others say it was done to muzzle Mr. Churchill. Contrary to expectation, Mr. Churchill has succeeded in piloting theMunitions of War Bill through its remaining stages in double quick time. Its progress was accelerated by his willingness to abolish the leavingcertificate, which a workman hitherto had to procure before changing onejob for another. Having had unequalled experience in this respect, he isconvinced that the leaving certificate is a useless formality. 

Food stocks going up, thanks to the energy of the farmers and the economyof consumers; German submarines going down, thanks to the Navy; Russiarecovering herself; Britain and France advancing hand in hand on theWestern Front, and our enemies fumbling for peace--that was the gist of themessage with which the Prime Minister sped the parting Commons. "I haveresigned, " Mr. Kennedy Jones tells us, "because there is no further needfor my services. " Several politicians are of opinion that this was not avalid reason. A boy of eighteen recently told a Stratford magistrate thathe had given up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a week. The question of wages is becoming acute in Germany too, and it is announcedthat all salaries in the Diplomatic Service have been reduced. We alwayssaid that frightfulness didn't really pay. 

_September, 1917_. 

Thanks to the collapse of the Russian armies and "fraternisation, " Germanyhas occupied Riga. But her chief exploits of late must be looked foroutside the sphere of military operations. She has added a new phrase tothe vocabulary of frightfulness, _spurlos versenkt_ in theinstructions to her submarine commanders for dealing with neutralmerchantmen. As for the position into which Sweden has been lured byallowing her diplomatic agents to assist Germany's secret service, Mr. Punch would hardly go the length of saying that it justifies the revisionof the National Anthem so as to read, "Confound their Scandi-knavishtricks. " But he finds it hard to accept Sweden's professions of officialrectitude, and so does President Wilson. 

The German Press accuses the United States of having stolen the cipher keyof the Luxburg dispatches. It is this sort of thing that is graduallyconvincing Germany that it is beneath her dignity to fight with a nationlike America. And the growing conviction in the United States that therecan be no peace with the Hohenzollerns only tends to fortify this view inCourt circles. The Kaiser's protestations of his love for his people becomemore strident every day. 

[Illustration: PERFECT INNOCENCE

CONSTABLE WOODROW WILSON: "That's a very mischievous thing to do. "

SWEDEN: "Please, sir, I didn't know it was loaded. "]

In Russia the Provisional Government has been dissolved and a Republicproclaimed. If eloquence can save the situation, Mr. Kerensky is the man todo it; but so far the men of few words have gone farthest in the war. A"History of the Russian Revolution" has already been published. The pen maynot be mightier than the sword to-day, but it manages to keep ahead of it. 

With fresh enemy battalions, as well as batteries, constantly arriving fromRussia, the Italians have been hard pressed; but their great assault on SanGabriele has saved the Bainsizza plateau. The Italian success has beenremarkable, but the Russian collapse has prevented it from being pushedhome. On the Western front no great events are recorded, but the mills ofdeath grind on with ever-increasing assistance from the resources ofapplied science and the new art of _camouflage_. Yet the dominion ofdin and death and discomfort is still unable to impair our soldiers'capacity of extracting amusement from trivialities. 

[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER

SERGEANT-MAJOR: "Beg pardon, sir, I was to ask if you'd step up to thebattery, sir. "

CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "What's the matter?"

SERGEANT-MAJOR: "It's those painted grass screens, sir. The mules haveeaten them. "]

[Illustration: THE INSEPARABLE

THE KAISER (to his people): "Do not listen to those who would sowdissension between us. _I will never desert you_. "]

The weather has been so persistently wet that it looks as if this year theChannel had decided to swim Great Britain. A correspondent, in a list ofimprobable events on an "extraordinary day" at the front, gives as theculminating entry, "It did not rain on the day of the offensive. "

[Illustration:

C. O. (to sentry): "Do you know the Defence Scheme for this sector of theline, my man?"

TOMMY: "Yes, sir. "

C. O. : "Well, what is it, then?"

TOMMY. "To stay 'ere an' fight like 'ell. "]

When Parliament is not sitting and trying to make us "sit up, " and when warnews is scant, old people at home sometimes fall into a mood of wistfulreverie, and contrast the Germany they once knew with the Germany ofto-day. 

A LOST LAND

 A childhood land of mountain ways, Where earthy gnomes and forest fays, Kind, foolish giants, gentle bears, Sport with the peasant as he fares Affrighted through the forest glades, And lead sweet, wistful little maids Lost in the woods, forlorn, alone, To princely lovers and a throne. 

 Dear haunted land of gorge and glen, Ah me! the dreams, the dreams of men!

 A learned law of wise old books And men with meditative looks, Who move in quaint red-gabled towns, And sit in gravely-folded gowns, Divining in deep-laden speech The world's supreme arcana--each A homely god to listening youth, Eager to tear the veil of Truth;

 Mild votaries of book and pen-- Alas, the dreams, the dreams of men!

 A music land whose life is wrought In movements of melodious thought; In symphony, great wave on wave-- Or fugue elusive, swift and grave; A singing land, whose lyric rhymes Float on the air like village chimes; Music and verse--the deepest part Of a whole nation's thinking heart!

 Oh land of Now, oh land of Then! Dear God! the dreams, the dreams of men!

 Slave nation in a land of hate, Where are the things that made you great? Child-hearted once--oh, deep defiled, Dare you look now upon a child?

 Your lore--a hideous mask wherein Self-worship hides its monstrous sin-- Music and verse, divinely wed-- How can these live where love is dead?

 Oh depths beneath sweet human ken, God help the dreams, the dreams of men!

The Norwegian explorer, Roald Amundsen, is preparing for a trip to theNorth Pole in 1918. Additional interest now attaches to this spot as beingthe only territory whose neutrality the Germans have omitted to violate. Apropos of neutrals, the crew of the U-boat interned at Cadiz has beenallowed to land on giving their word of honour not to leave Spain duringthe continuance of the War. The mystery of how the word "honour" came intotheir possession is not explained. It is easier to explain that the SecondDivision, in which Mr. E. D. Morel is now serving, is not the one whichfought at the battle of Mons. 

_October, 1917_. 

Another month of losses and gains. Against the breakthrough at Caporetto onthe Isonzo we have to set the steady advance of Allenby on the Palestinefront, and the decision arrived at by an extraordinary meeting of GermanReichstag members that the Germans cannot hope for victory in the field. Wesee nothing extraordinary in this. The Reichstag may not yet be able toinfluence policy, but it is not blind to facts--to the terribly heavylosses involved in our enemy's desperate efforts to prevent us fromoccupying the ridges above the Ypres-Menin road, and so forcing him to facethe winter on the low ground. Then, too, there has been the ominous mutinyof the German sailors at Kiel. The ringleaders have been executed, but theymay have preferred death to another speech from the Kaiser. Dr. Michaelis, that "transient embarrassed phantom, " has joined the ranks of thedismissed. No sooner had the _Berliner Tageblatt_ pointed out that"Dr. Michaelis was a good Chancellor as Chancellors go" than he went. Another of the German doctor politicians has been delivering his soul onthe failure of Pro-German propaganda in memorable fashion. Dr. Dernburg, in_Deutsche Politik_, tells us that "steadfastness and righteousness arethe qualities which the German people value in the highest degree, andwhich have brought it a good and honourable reputation in the whole world. When we make experiments in lies and deceptions, intrigue and low cunning, we suffer hopeless and brutal failure. Our lies are coarse and improbable, our ambiguity is pitiful simplicity. The history of the War proves this bya hundred examples. When our enemies poured all these things upon us like ahailstorm, and we convinced ourselves of the effectiveness of such tactics, we tried to imitate them. But these tactics will not fit the German. We arerough but moral, we are credulous but honest. " Before this touching pictureof the German Innocents very much abroad, the Machiavellian Briton can onlytake refuge in silent amazement. 

[Illustration: THE DANCE OF DEATH

THE KAISER: "Stop! I'm tired. "

DEATH: "I started at your bidding; I stop when I choose. "]

Parliament has reassembled, and Mr. Punch has been moved to ask Why?Various reasons would no doubt be returned by various members. TheChancellor of the Exchequer wants to obtain a further Vote of Credit. Thenew National Party wish to justify their existence; and those incarnatenotes of interrogation--Messrs. King, Hogge and Pemberton Billing--wouldlike Parliament to be in permanent session in order that the world mighthave the daily benefit of their searching investigations. There has been acertain liveliness on the Hibernian front, but we hope that Mr. Asquith wasjustified in assuming that the Sinn Fein excesses were only an expressionof the "rhetorical and contingent belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the Convention would make all things right. Meanwhile, the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. And not asingle Nationalist member has denounced them for their dereliction; indeed, Mr. T. M. Healy has even given them his blessing, for what it is worth. Ofmore immediate importance has been Mr. Bonar Law's announcement of theGovernment's intention to set up a new Air Ministry, and "to employ ourmachines over German towns so far as military needs render us free to takesuch action. "

[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON

HANS: "How beautiful a moon, my love, for showing up England to our gallantairmen!"

GRETCHEN: "Yes, dearest, but may it not show up the Fatherland to thebrutal enemy one of these nights?"]

In the earlier stages of the War we looked on the moon as our friend. Nowthat inconstant orb has become our enemy, and the only German opera that welook forward to seeing is _Die Gothadämmerung_. A circular has beenissued by the Feline Defence League appealing to owners of cats to bringthem inside the house during air-raids. When they are left on the roof itwould seem that their agility causes them to be mistaken for aerialtorpedoes. We note that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by noticepublished in the following morning's papers has been abandoned only afterthe most exhaustive tests. The advocates of "darkness and composure" havenot been very happy in their arguments, but they are at least preferable tothe members of Parliament deservedly trounced by Mr. Bonar Law, whodeclared that if their craven squealings were typical he should despair ofvictory. Meanwhile, we have to congratulate our gallant French allies ontheir splendid bag of Zepps. But the space which our Press allots to airraids moves Mr. Punch to wonder and scorn. Our casualties from that sourceare never one-tenth so heavy as those in France on days when G. H. Q. Reports"everything quiet on the Western front. " Still worse is the temper of someof our society weeklies, which have set their faces like flint against anyserious reference to the War, and go imperturbably along the oldante-bellum lines, "snapping" smart people at the races or in the Row, orreproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, and this at a timewhen every day brings the tidings of irreparable loss to hundreds offamilies. 

 * * * * *

MISSING

 "He was last seen going over the parapet into the German trenches. "

 What did you find after war's fierce alarms, When the kind earth gave you a resting-place, And comforting night gathered you in her arms, With light dew falling on your upturned face?

 Did your heart beat, remembering what had been? Did you still hear around you, as you lay, The wings of airmen sweeping by unseen, The thunder of the guns at close of day?

 All nature stoops to guard your lonely bed; Sunshine and rain fall with their calming breath; You need no pall, so young and newly dead, Where the Lost Legion triumphs over death. 

 When with the morrow's dawn the bugle blew, For the first time it summoned you in vain, The Last Post does not sound for such as you, But God's Reveille wakens you again. 

The discomforts of railway travelling do not diminish. But impatientpassengers may find comfort in a maxim of R. L. Stevenson: "To travelhopefully is a better thing than to arrive. " And further solace isforthcoming in the fact that our enemies are even worse off than we are. Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if thistransparent artifice will prevent the Kaiser from going about the placemaking speeches to his troops on all the fronts. Here all classes areunited by the solidarity of inconvenience. And they all have different waysof meeting it. But we really think more care should be taken by theauthorities to see that while waging war on the Continent they do notforget the defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. Winston Churchilland Mr. Horatio Bottomley were away in France at the same time looks likegross carelessness. In this context we may note the report that the Eskimoshad not until quite recently heard of war, which seems to argue slacknesson the part of the circulation manager of the _Daily Mail_. 

[Illustration:

STOUT LADY (discussing the best thing to do in an air-raid): "Well, Ialways runs about meself. You see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonabletoo, a movin' targit is more difficult to 'it. "]

_November, 1917_. 

The best and the worst news comes from the outlying fronts. Allenby'striumphant advance is unchecked in Palestine. Gaza has fallen. The Britishare in Jaffa. Jerusalem is threatened. The German-Austrian drive whichbegan at Caporetto has been stemmed, and the Italians, stiffened by aBritish army under General Plumer, are standing firm on the Piave. InMesopotamia we deplore the death of the gallant Maude, a great general anda great gentleman, beloved by all ranks, whose career is an abiding answerto those who maintain that no good can come out of our public schools orthe Staff training of regular officers. In Russia the Bolshevist _coupd'état_ has overthrown the Kerensky _règime_ and installed asdictator Lenin, a _déclassé_ aristocrat, always the most dangerous ofrevolutionaries. On the Western front the tide has flowed and ebbed. TheGermans have yielded ground on the _Chemin des Dames_, the Britishhave stormed Passchendaele Ridge, but at terrible cost, and General Byng'sbrilliant surprise attack and victory at Cambrai has been followed by thefierce reaction of ten days later. But perhaps the greatest sensation ofthe month has been Mr. Lloyd George's Paris speech, with its disquietingreferences to the situation on the Western front, and its announcement ofthe formation of the new Allied Council. The Premier's defence of, and, wemay perhaps say, recomposition of his Paris oration before the House ofCommons has appeased criticism without entirely convincing those who havebeen anxious to know how the Allied Council would work, and what would bethe relations between the Council's military advisers and the existingGeneral Staff of the countries concerned. But as Mr. Lloyd George confessedthat he had deliberately made a "disagreeable speech" in Paris in order toget it talked about, the Press critics whom he rebuked will probablyconsider themselves absolved. 

[ILLUSTRATION: A GREAT INCENTIVE

MEHMED (reading dispatch from the All-Highest): "Defend Jerusalem at allcosts for my sake. I was once there myself. "]

[ILLUSTRATION: ONE UP!]

Parliament has for once repelled the gibe that it has ceased to representthe people in the tribute of praise paid by Lords and Commons to oursailors and soldiers and all the other gallant folk who are helping us towin the War. On the strength of this capacity for rising to the occasionone may pass over the many sittings at which a small minority ofPacificists and irrelevant inquisitors have dragged the House down to thedepths of ineptitude or worse. In the debate on the Air Force in Committee, one member, if we count speeches and interruptions, addressed the Houseexactly one hundred times, and it is worthy of note that his last wordswere: "This is what you call muzzling the House of Commons. " If we wereto believe some critics, the British Navy is directed by a set ofdoddering old gentlemen who are afraid to let it go at the Germans, andcannot even safeguard it from attack. The truth, as expounded by theFirst Lord, Sir Eric Geddes, in his maiden speech, is quite different. Despite the Jeremiads of superannuated sailors and political longshoremen, the Admiralty is not going to Davy Jones's locker, but under its presentchiefs, who have, with very few exceptions, seen service in this War, maintains and supplements its glorious record. 

Save for an occasional game of "tip and run, " as with the North Sea convoy, enemy vessels have disappeared on the surface of the ocean; and the longarm of the British Navy is now stretching down into the depths and up intothe skies in successful pursuit of them. If the nation hardly realises whatit owes to the men of the Fleet and their splendid comrades of theAuxiliary Services, it is because this work is done with such thoroughnessand so little fuss, and, as Mr. Asquith put it, "in the twilight and not inthe limelight. "

[ILLUSTRATION:

AUNT MARIA: "Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding through thestreets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I know now I'dhave told a policeman. "]

The general sense of the community is now practically agreed thatcompulsory rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord Rhondda isstill hopeful that John Bull will tighten his own belt and save him thetrouble. But if we fail, the machinery for compulsion is all ready. 

Reuter reports that a British prisoner has been sentenced to a year'simprisonment for calling the Germans "Huns. " On the Western front Tommyusually calls them "Allymans, " "Jerry, " or "Fritz. " But even if thisprisoner did use the word he cannot be blamed. The choice was the Kaiser'swhen, as Attila's understudy, "Go forth, " he said, "my sons. Go and behaveexactly as the Huns. "

Apropos of the Kaiser, it appears that a certain Herr Stegerwald, addressing a Berlin meeting, said: "We went to war at the side of theKaiser, and the All-Highest will return from war with us. " If we may bepermitted to say anything, we expect he will be leading by at least acouple of lengths. 

The versatility and inventive genius of the Prime Minister provoke mingledcomment. An old Parliamentarian, when asked to what party Mr. Lloyd Georgenow belonged, recently answered: "He used to be a Radical; he will some daybe a Conservative; and at present he is the leader of the Improvisatories. "

_December, 1917_. 

It seems useless to attempt to cope with the staggering multiplicity ofevents crowded into the last few weeks. Jerusalem captured in this lastcrusade, which realises the dream of Coeur de Lion; Russia "down and out"as a result of the armistice and the Brest-Litovsk Conference; Germany'slast colony conquered in East Africa; Lord Lansdowne's letter; theretirement of Lord Jellicoe; while in one single week Cuba has declared waron Austria, the Kaiser has threatened to make a Christmas peace offer, andMr. Bernard Shaw has described himself as "a mere individual. " We havetraversed the whole gamut of sensation from the sublime and tragic to theridiculous; and Armageddon, vulgarised by the vulgar repetition of thejournalist, has redeemed its significance in the dispatches from ourPalestine front. The simplicity and dignity of General Allenby's entry intothe Syrian town--

 Where on His grave with shining eyes The Syrian stars look down--

afford a happy contrast to the boastful pagentry of the Kaiser's visit in1898. Meanwhile it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the Sultan ofTurkey thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. 

[ILLUSTRATION: BETRAYED

THE PANDER: "Come on; come and be kissed by him. "]

Where Russia is concerned Mr. Balfour wisely declines to be included amongthe prophets; all he knows is that she has not yet evolved a Governmentwith which we can negotiate. 

There _is_ a Government in Germany, but neither Government nor peopleafford excuse for the negotiations which Lord Lansdowne, in a fit ofwar-weariness, has advocated in his letter to the _Daily Telegraph_. His unfortunate intervention, playing into the hands of Pacificists andPro-Boches, is all the more to be deplored in a public servant who hascrowned a long, disinterested and distinguished career by an act ofgrievous disservice to his country. British grit will win, declares SirWilliam Robertson; but our elderly statesmen must refrain from droppingtheirs into the machinery. Happily the Government are determined to give nomore publicity to the letter than they can help. On the Vote of Credit for550 millions the Chancellor of the Exchequer has been invited by Mr. Dillonto make a survey of the military situation, and has replied that all therelevant facts are known already. "The War is going on; the Government andthe country intend it shall go on; and money is necessary to make it goon. " That was a good answer to a member who has certainly done little toreceive special consideration. Not only do we need money; we need men tosupply the gaps caused by our withdrawal of troops to Italy and theconstant wastage on all fronts. 

Mr. Balfour, as we have seen, abstains from prophecy. Mr. Dillon, who, withother Nationalists, bitterly resents the decision of the Government toapply the rules of arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in theirbeloved country, has indulged in a terrifying forecast which ought to beplaced on record. He has threatened the House with the possibility that atthe next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out ofexistence. 

Tommy is a very great man, but he is not a great linguist, though he alwaysgets what he wants by the aid of signs or telepathy. Three years and someodd months have not changed his point of view, and now for Thomas to findhimself in Italy is only to discover another lot of people who cannotunderstand or make themselves understood. "Alliances, " as a correspondentfrom Italy puts it, "are things as wonderful to see as they are magnificentto read about. I do, however, regard with something approaching alarm thenew language which will be evolved to put the lot of us on completespeaking terms. "

[Illustration: THE NEED OF MEN

MR. PUNCH (to the Comber-out): "More power to your elbow, sir. But when areyou going to fill up that silly gap?"

SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES: "Hush! Hush! We're waiting for the Millennium. "]

[Illustration:

THE NEW LANGUAGE

TOMMY (to inquisitive French children): "Nah, then, alley toot sweet, anthe tooter the sweeter!"]

Lord Rhondda, who listened from the Peers' gallery to the recent debate inthe Commons on Food Control, has received a quantity of advice intended tohelp him in minding his p's and q's, particularly the latter. In China, weread in the _Daily Express_, a chicken can still be purchased forsixpence; intending purchasers should note, however, that at present thereturn fare to Shanghai brings the total cost to a figure a trifle inexcess of the present London prices. More bread is being eaten than ever, according to the Food Controller: but it appears that the stuff is noweaten by itself instead of being spread thinly on butter, as in pre-wardays. Bloaters have reached the unprecedented price of sixpence each. Thisis no more, as we have seen, than a chicken fetches in China, but it isenough to dispel the hope that bloaters, at any rate over the Christmasseason, would remain within the reach of the upper classes. At a Guildfordcharity _fête_ the winner of a hurdle race has been awarded a new-laidegg. If he succeeds in winning it three years in succession it is to becomehis own property. 

Christmas has come round again, and peace still seems a far-off thing. "What shall he have that killed the deer?" someone asks somebody else in_As You Like It_. But there is a better question than that, and it isthis: "What shall they have that preserve the little dears?" And the answeris--honour and support. For there can be no doubt that in these criticaltimes, when the life of the best and bravest and strongest is so cheap, noduty is more important than the cherishing of infancy, and the provision ofseasonable joys to the youngest generation, gentle and simple. More thanever Mr. Punch welcomes the coming of Santa Klaus:

 Thou who on earth was namèd Nicholas-- There be dull clods who doubt thy magic power To tour the sleeping world in half-an-hour, And pop down all the chimneys as you pass With woolly lambs and dolls of frabjous size For grubby hands and wonder-laden eyes. 

 Not so thy singer, who believes in thee Because he has a young and foolish spirit; Because the simple faith that bards inherit Of happiness is still the master key, Opening life's treasure-house to whoso clings To the dim beauty of imagined things. 

_January, 1918_. 

While avoiding as a rule the fashionable _rôle_ of prophet, Mr. Punchis occasionally tempted to indulge in prediction. The year 1918, in whichFrance is greeting in increasing numbers the heirs of the Pilgrim Fathers, is going to be America's year. As for the Kaiser, A Fatherland Poet was busy of late In making the Kaiser a new Hymn of Hate; Perhaps, ere its echoes have time to grow dim, The Huns may be learning a new Hate of Him. 

In this prophetic strain Mr. Punch has been musing on the fortunes of theHohenzollerns under a German Republic. Will the ex-Kaiser be appointed tothe post of official Gatherer of Scraps of Paper, or start in business as asecond-hand wardrobe dealer with a large assortment of slightly soileduniforms? Or will he be ordered to ring a joy-bell on the anniversary ofthe inauguration of the German Republic?

[Illustration:

The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps ofpaper. ]

These are attractive speculations, but a trifle previous, while hospitalships are still being torpedoed, U-boats are busy at Funchal, and the bondsof German influence and penetration are being forged anew at Brest-Litovsk. The latest news from that quarter seems to indicate that the Kaiser desirespeace--at any rate for the duration of the War. And already there is a talkof a German counter-offensive on a colossal scale on the Western front. Sothat Mr. Punch's message for the New Year is couched in no spirit ofpremature jubilation, but rather appeals for fortitude and endurance. 

[Illustration: TO ALL AT HOME]

How needful such an appeal is may be gathered from the proceedings atWestminster, less fit for the Mother than the Mummy of Parliaments, where"doleful questionists" exhume imaginary grievances or display their "nerve"by claiming the increase in pay recently granted to fighting men forconscientious objectors in the Non-Combatant Corps. The interest taken byone of this group in Army Dentistry inspires the wish that "the treatmentof jaw-cases" mentioned by the Under-Secretary for War could be applied onthe Parliamentary front. Head-hunting is in full swing. This classicalsport, as practised in Borneo, involved the discharge of poisoned dartsthrough a blow-pipe, and the House of Commons has not materially alteredthe method. In the attack of January 23 it is supposed that the Head of theGovernment was aimed at; but most of the shots went wide and hit the Headof our Army in France. Ministers have not distinguished themselves exceptby their capacity for "butting-in" and eating their words. Public opinionhas been inflamed rather than enlightened by the discussions on unity ofcommand, and the newspaper campaign directed against our War chiefs. Meanwhile, the Suffragists have triumphantly surmounted their last obstaclein the House of Lords, and Votes for Women is now an accomplished fact. Butthe Irish Andromeda still awaits her Perseus, gazing wanly at her variouschampions in Convention. The Ulsterman's plea for conscription in Irelandhas been rejected after Sir Auckland Geddes had declared that it would beof no use as a solution of the present difficulty. He did not give hisreasons, but they are believed to be Conventional. Mr. Barnes has describedthe Government as "living on the top of a veritable volcano, " but, in spiteof the context, the phrase must not be taken to refer to the Minister ofMunitions, who, as everybody knows, cannot be sat upon. 

Military experts tell us that this is a "Q" war, meaning thereby that theQuartermaster-General's department is the one that matters. Naval expertssometimes drop hints attaching another significance to that twisty letter. Harassed house-keepers are beginning to think that this is a "queue-war, "and look to Lord Rhondda to end it. For the moment the elusive rabbit hasscored a point against the Food Controller, but public confidence in hisability is not shaken. All classes are being drawn together by a communionof inconvenience. The sporting miner's wife can no longer afford dogbiscuits: "Our dog's got to eat what we eats now. " And the pathetic appealof the smart fashionable for lump sugar, on the ground that her darlingFido cannot be expected to catch a spoonful of Demerara from the end of hisnose, leaves the grocer cold. A dairyman charged with sellingunsatisfactory milk has explained to the Bench that his cows were sufferingfrom shell-shock. He himself is now suffering from shell-out-shock. AtRamsgate a shopkeeper has exhibited a notice in his window announcing that"better days are in store. " What most people want is butter days. 

[Illustration:

ORDERLY SERGEANT: "Lights out, there. "

VOICE FROM THE HUT: "It's the moon, Sergint. "

ORDERLY SERGEANT: "I don't give a d--- what it is. Put it out!"]

The disquieting activities of the "giddy Gotha" involve drastic enforcementof the lighting orders, and the moon is still an object of suspicion. Pessimists and those critics who are never content unless each day brings aspectacular success, seem to have taken for their motto: "It's not what Imean, but what I say, that matters. " But the moods of the non-combatant aretruly chameleonic. Civilians summoned to the War Office pass fromconfidence to abasement, and from abasement to megalomania in the space ofhalf an hour. 

Turkey, it appears, has sent an urgent appeal to Berlin for funds. Thedisaster to the _Goeben_ can be endured, since the Sultan can nowdeclare a foreshore claim, and do a little salvage profiteering; butPalestine is another matter. Since General Allenby's advance "running"expenses have swallowed up a formidable total. The War is teaching us manythings, including geography. We are taking a lively interest in theUkraine, and the newspapers daily add to our stock of interestingknowledge. Apropos of General Allenby's entry into Jerusalem, we learn that"the predominance of the tar brush in the streets added to the brightnessof the scene, " and in connection with his return to Cairo, that "theMacCabean Boy Scouts" took part in the reception--presumably the CadetCorps of the Jordan Highlanders. But the most reassuring news comes fromthe enemy Press. "It is simply a miracle, " says the _Cologne Gazette_, "that the Germans have so loyally stood by their leaders, " and for once weare wholly in agreement with our German contemporary. 

If Mr. Punch may exert his privilege of turning abruptly to grave from gay, the claim may be allowed on behalf of the youngest generation, alreadyremembered in the chronicle of last month. 

CHILDREN OF CONSOLATION

 By the red road of storm and stress Their fathers' footsteps trod, They come, a cloud of witnesses, The messengers of God. 

 Cradled upon some radiant gleam, Like living hopes they lie, The rainbow beauty of a dream Against a stormy sky. 

 Before the tears of love were dried, Or anguish comfort knew, The gates of home were opened wide To let the pilgrims through. 

 Pledges of faith, divinely fair, From peaceful worlds above Against the onslaught of despair They hold the fort of love. 

[Illustration:

THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE

I am bidden to the War Office. 

I depart for it. 

I approach it. 

I enter. 

I am not observed. 

I am still not observed. 

I am observed. 

I am spoken to (and still live). 

I continue to be spoken to. 

I am spoken to quite nicely. 

I am shaken hands with. 

I take my leave. ]

_February, 1918_. 

"Watchman, what of the night?" The hours pass amid the clash of rumours anddiscordant voices--optimist, pessimist, pacificist. Only in the answer ofthe fighting man, who knows and says little, but is ready for anything, dowe find the best remedy for impatience and misgiving:

 "Soldier, what of the night?" "Vainly ye question of me; I know not, I hear not nor see; The voice of the prophet is dumb Here in the heart of the fight. I count the hours on their way; I know not when morning shall come; Enough that I work for the day. "

The first Brest-Litovsk Treaty has been signed, followed in nine days bythe German invasion of Russia, an apt comment on what an English paper, bya misprint which is really an inspiration, calls "the Brest Nogotiations. "

The record of the Bolshevist régime is already deeply stained with themassacre of the innocents, but Lenin and Trotsky can plead an augustexample. More than fourteen thousand British non-combatants--men, women andchildren--have been murdered by the Kaiser's command. And the rigoroussuppression of the strikes in Berlin furnishes a useful test of his recentavowals of sympathy with democratic ideals. By way of a set-off the GermanPress Bureau has circulated a legend of civil war in London, bristling withcircumstantial inaccuracies. The enemy's successes in the field--theoccupation of Reval and the recapture of Trebizond--are the direct outcomeof the Russian _débâcle_. Our capture of Jericho marks a further stagein a sustained triumph of good generalship and hard fighting, whichverifies an old prophecy current among the Arabs in Palestine and Syria, viz. That when the waters of the Nile flow into Palestine, a prophet fromthe West will drive the Turk out of the Arab countries. The first part ofthe prophecy was fulfilled by the pipe-line which has brought Nile water(taken from the fresh-water canal) for the use of the EgyptianExpeditionary Force across the Sinai desert to the neighbourhood of Gaza. The second part was fulfilled by the fact that General Allenby's name isrendered in Arabic by exactly the same letters which form the words "ElNebi, " i. E. The Prophet. 

[Illustration:

THE LIBERATORS

FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Let me see; we've made an end of Law, Credit, Treaties, the Army and the Navy. Is there anything else to abolish?"

SECOND BOLSHEVIK: "What about War?"

FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Good! And Peace too. Away with both of 'em!"]

At home we have seen the end of the seventh session of a Parliament whichby its own rash Act should have committed suicide two years ago. Truly theKaiser has a lot to answer for. On the last day but one of the session 184questions were put, the information extracted from Ministers being, asusual, in inverse ratio to the curiosity of the questioners. The opening ofthe eighth session showed no change in this respect. The debate on theAddress degenerated into a series of personal attacks on the Premier bymembers who, not without high example, regard this as the easiest road tofame. The only persons who have a right to congratulate themselves on thediscussion are the members of the German General Staff, who may not havelearned anything that they did not know before, but have undoubtedly hadcertain shrewd suspicions confirmed. Mr. Bonar Law, in one of his engagingbursts of self-revelation, observed that he had no more interest in thisPrime Minister than he had in the last; but the House generally seemed toagree with Mr. Adamson, the Labour leader, who, before changing horsesagain, wanted to be sure that he was going to get a better team. A weeklater, on the day on which the Prince of Wales took his seat in the Lords, Lord Derby endeavoured to explain why the Government had parted with SirWilliam Robertson, the Chief of the Imperial Staff, and replaced him byGeneral Wilson. It is hard to say whether the Peers were convinced. Simultaneously in the House of Commons the Prime Minister was engaged inthe same task, but with greater success. Mr. Lloyd George has no equal inthe art of persuading an audience to share his faith in himself. How farour military chiefs approved the recent decision of the VersaillesConference is not known. But everyone applauds the patrioticself-effacement of Sir William Robertson in silently accepting the EasternCommand at home. 

In Parliament the question of food has been discussed in both Houses withthe greatest gusto. Throughout the country it is the chief topic ofconversation. 

[Illustration: SECRET DIPLOMACY

WIFE: "George, there are two strange men digging up the garden. "

GEORGE: "It's all right, dear. A brainy idea of mine to get the garden dugup. I wrote an anonymous letter to the Food Controller and told him therewas a large box of food buried there. "

WIFE: "Heavens! But there _is_!"]

To the ordinary queues we now have to add processions of conscientiousdisgorgers patriotically evading prosecution. The problem "Is tea a food oris it not?" convulses our Courts, and the axioms of Euclid call forrevision as follows:

"Parallel lines are those which in a queue, if only produced far enough, never mean meat. "

"If there be two queues outside two different butchers' shops, and thelength and the breadth of one queue be equal to the length and breadth ofthe other queue, each to each, but the supplies in one shop are greaterthan the supplies in the other shop, then the persons in the one queue willget more meat than those in the other queue, which is absurd, and Rhonddaought to see about it. "

All the same, Lord Rhondda is a stout fellow who goes on his way with animperviousness to criticism--criticism that is often selfish andcontemptible--which augurs well for his ultimate success in the mostthankless of all jobs. 

[Illustration:

INDIGNANT WAR-WORKER: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I mightbe doing something! Me? And I haven't missed a charity matinée for the lastthree months. "]

Food at the front is another matter, and Mr. Punch is glad to print thetribute of one of his war-poets to the "Cookers":

 The Company Cook is no great fighter, And there's never a medal for _him_ to wear, Though he camps in the shell-swept waste, poor blighter, And many a cook has "copped it" there; But the boys go over on beans and bacon, And Tommy is best when Tommy has dined, So here's to the Cookers, the plucky old Cookers, And the sooty old Cooks that waddle behind. 

"It is Germany, " says a German paper, "who will speak the last word in thisWar. " Yes, and the last word will be "Kamerad!" But that word will bespoken in spite of many pseudo-war-workers on the Home Front. 

Among the many wonders of the War one of the most wonderful is thesailor-man, three times, four times, five times torpedoed, who yet wants tosail once more. But there is one thing that he never wants to do again--to"pal" with Fritz the square-head:

 "When peace is signed and treaties made an' trade begins again, There's some'll shake a German's 'and an' never see the stain; But _not me_, " says Dan the sailor-man, "not me, as God's on high-- Lord knows it's bitter in an open boat to see your shipmates die. "

Among the ignoble curiosities of the time we note the followingadvertisements in a Manchester newspaper of "wants" in our "indispensable"industries: "Tennis ball inflators, cutters and makers" and "Caramelwrappers"; while a Brighton paper has "Wanted, two dozen living fliesweekly during the remainder of winter for two Italian frogs. "

The situation in Ireland remains unchanged, and suggests the followinghistorical division of eras. (1) Pagan era; (2) Christian era; (3) DeValera. 

_March, 1918_. 

Once again the month of the War-God has been true to its name. March, opening in suspense, with the Kaiser and his Chancellor still talking ofpeace, has closed in a crisis of acute anxiety for the Allies. The expectedhas happened; the long-advertised German attack has been delivered in theWest, and the war of movement has begun. 

Breaking through the Fifth British Army, in five days the Germans haveadvanced twenty-five miles, to within artillery range of Amiens and themain lateral railway behind the British lines. Bapaume and Péronne havefallen. The Americans have entered the war in the firing line. It is thebeginning of the end, the supreme test of the soul of the nation:

 The little things of which we lately chattered-- The dearth of taxis or the dawn of Spring; Themes we discussed as though they really mattered, Like rationed meat or raiders on the wing;--

 How thin it seems to-day, this vacant prattle, Drowned by the thunder rolling in the West, Voice of the great arbitrament of battle That puts our temper to the final test. 

 Thither our eyes are turned, our hearts are straining, Where those we love, whose courage laughs at fear, Amid the storm of steel around them raining, Go to their death for all we hold most dear. 

 New-born of this supremest hour of trial, In quiet confidence shall be our strength, Fixed on a faith that will not take denial Nor doubt that we have found our soul at length. 

 O England, staunch of nerve and strong of sinew, Best when you face the odds and stand at bay; Now show a watching world what stuff is in you! Now make your soldiers proud of you to-day!

Of our soldiers we at home cannot be too proud, from Field-Marshal toofficer's servant. As one of Mr. Punch's correspondents at the frontwrites: "Dawn to me hereafter will not be personified as a rosy-fingereddamsel or a lovely swift-footed deity, but as a sturdy little man in khaki, crimson-eared with cold, heralded and escorted by frozen wafts of outerair, bearing in one knobby fist a pair of boots, and in the other a tin mugof black and smoking tea. " As for the charities and courtesies of war, asinterpreted by our soldiers, Mr. Punch can wish for no better illustrationthan in these lines on "The German graves":

 I wonder are there roses still In Ablain St. Nazaire, And crosses girt with daffodil In that old garden there. I wonder if the long grass waves With wild-flowers just the same, Where Germans made their soldiers' graves Before the English came?

 The English set those crosses straight And kept the legends clean; The English made the wicket-gate And left the garden green; And now who knows what regiments dwell In Ablain St. Nazaire? But I would have them guard as well The graves we guarded there. 

 And when at last the Prussians pass Among those mounds and see The reverent cornflowers crowd the grass Because of you and me, They'll give, perhaps, one humble thought To all the "English fools" Who fought as never men have fought But somehow kept the rules. 

[Illustration: MADE IN GERMANY

CIVILISATION: "What's that supposed to represent?"

IMPERIAL ARTIST: "Why, 'Peace, ' of course. "

CIVILISATION: "Well, I don't recognise it--and I never shall. "]

To turn from the crowning ordeal of our Armies to the activities of Britishpoliticians on the eve of the great German attack is not a soul-animatingexperience. Indeed, the efforts of Messrs. Snowden and Trevelyan, Pringleand King almost justify the assumption that Hindenburg would have launchedhis offensive earlier but for his desire not to interfere with the greatoffensive conducted by his friends on the Westminster front. Ouranti-patriots, however, are placed in a dilemma. They were bound to sidewith Germany, because of their rooted belief that England always must bewrong. They were bound to hail the Bolshevik self-determinators because oftheir entirely sound views on peace at any price. But now their two lovesare fighting like cats. Hence the problem: "Which am I (both can't well beright), Pro-German or Pro-Trotskyite?" Discussions of pig shortage, commandeered premises, the relations of the Government and Press, and theduties of the Directors of Propaganda leave us cold or impatient. Butmembers of all parties have been united in genuine grief over the death ofMr. John Redmond, snatched away just when his distracted country mostneeded his moderating influence. For in their anxiety not to interfere withthe deliberations of those patriotic Irishmen who are trying to settle howIreland shall be governed in the future, the Government are allowing it tobecome ungovernable by anybody. A new and agreeable Parliamentaryinnovation has been introduced by Sir Eric Geddes in the shape of animmense diagram showing the downward tendency of the U-boat activities. Other orators might with advantage follow this method. Indeed, there aresome whose speeches would be more enjoyable if they were all diagrams. Asfor that pledge of the New Citizenship, the Education Bill, the debate onthe second reading has been such a long eulogy of its author that Mr. Fisher would be well advised to offer a propitiatory sacrifice to Nemesis. 

[Illustration:

BY SPECIAL REQUEST

CUSTOMER: "Here, waiter, take a coupon off this and ask the band to playfive-penn'orth of 'The Roast Beef of Old England. '"]

Compulsory rationing is now an established fact, and the temporarydisappearance of marmalade from the breakfast table has called forth many a_cri de coeur_. As one lyrist puts it:

 Let Beef and Butter, Rolls and Rabbits fade, But give me back my love, my Marmalade. 

And another has addressed this touching vow to margarine:

 Whether the years prove fat or lean This vow I here rehearse: I take you, dearest Margarine, For butter or for worse. 

It is reported that the Government's standard suits for men's wear willsoon be available. One is occasionally tempted to hope that women'scostumes might be similarly standardised. 

[Illustration: THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF]

The German Press announces the death of the notorious "Captain ofKoepenick, " and the _Cologne Gazette_ refers to him as "the only manwho ever succeeded in making the German Army look ridiculous. " This is thekind of subtle flattery that the Hohenzollerns really appreciate. 

_April, 1918_. 

We have reached the darkest hours of the War and the clouds have not yetlifted, though the rate of the German advance has already begun to slowdown. On the 11th the enemy broke through at Armentières and pushed theiradvantage till another wedge was driven into the British line. On the 12thSir Douglas Haig issued his historic order: "With our backs to the wall, and believing in the justice of our cause, each one of us must fight to theend. The safety of our homes and the freedom of mankind depend alike uponthe conduct of each one of us at the critical moment. " The Amiens linebeing under fire, it was impossible to bring French reinforcements north intime to save Kemmel Hill and stave off the menace to the Channel ports. Thetale of our losses is grievous, and for thousands and thousands of familiesnothing can ever be the same again. The ordeal of Paris has been renewed byshelling from the German long-distance gun, the last and most sensationalof German surprise-packets. These are indeed dark days, yet already lit byhopeful omens--the closer union of the Allies, the appointment of thegreatest French military genius, General Foch, as Generalissimo of theAllied Forces, and his calm assurance that we have as yet lost "nothingvital. " America is pouring men into France and, without waiting to completethe independent organisation of her Army, has chivalrously sent her troopsforward to be brigaded with French and British units. Even now there areoptimists, who are not fools, who maintain that Germany has shot her lastbolt and knows that she is losing. It is at least remarkable that Germannewspapers are daily excusing the failure of their offensive to secure allits objectives. There is clearly something wrong with the time-table and, in the race of Man Power, time is on the side of the Allies. 

Truth, long gagged and disguised, is coming to light in Germany. This hasbeen the month of the Lichnowsky disclosures--the Memoir of theirAmbassador, vindicating British diplomacy and saddling Germany with theresponsibility for the War. The time of publication is indeed unfortunatefor the Kaiser, who has been telling us how bitterly he hates war. 

[Illustration:

THE COMING ARMY

FATHER: "Here's to the fighter of lucky eighteen!" SON: "And here's to thesoldier of fifty!"]

 For now from German lips the world may know Facts that should want some skill for their confounding-- How Potsdam forced alike on friend and foe A war of Potsdam's sole compounding. 

 How you, who itched to see the bright sword lunged, Still bleating peace like innocent lambs in clover, In all that bloody business you were plunged Up to your neck and something over. 

 And, having fed on little else but lies, Your people, with the hollow place grown larger Now that the truth has cut off these supplies, May want your head upon a charger. 

[Illustration:

THE DEATH LORD

THE KAISER (on reading the appalling tale of German losses): "What matter, so we Hohenzollerns survive?"]

And what has England's answer been, apart from the stubborn and heroicresistance of her men on the Western Front? The answer is to be found inthe immediate resolve to raise the age limit for service to 50, still morein the glorious exploit of Zeebrugge and Ostend, in the incredible valourof the men who volunteered for and carried through what is perhaps the mostastonishing and audacious enterprise in the annals of the Navy. 

The pageantry of war has gone, but here at least is a magnificence ofachievement and self-sacrifice on the epic scale which beggars descriptionand transcends praise. The hornet's nest that has pestered us so long, ifnot rooted out, has been badly damaged; our sailors, dead and living, haveonce more proved themselves masters of the impossible. 

At home Parliament, resuming business after the Easter recess, began bygiving a second Reading to a Drainage Bill, and ended its first sitting inan Irish bog. Ireland throughout the month has dominated the proceedings, aloof and irreconcilable, brooding over past wrongs, blind to the issues ofthe War and turning her back on its realities. Mr. Lloyd George's plan ofmaking Home Rule contingent on compulsory service has been described by Mr. O'Brien as a declaration of war on Ireland. Another Nationalist Member, whoat Question time urged on the War Office the necessity of according to itsIrish employees exactly the same privileges and pay as were given to theirBritish confrères, protested loudly a little later on against a Bill which_inter alia_ extends to Irishmen the privilege of joining in the fightfor freedom. Mr. Asquith questioned the policy of embracing Ireland in theBill unless you could get general consent. Mr. Bonar Law bluntly repliedthat if Ireland was not to be called upon to help in this time of stressthere would be an end of Home Rule, and that if the House would notsanction Irish conscription it would have to get another Government. Itremained for Lord Dunraven, before the passing of the Bill in the House ofLords, to produce as "a very ardent Home Ruler" the most ingenious excusefor his countrymen's unwillingness to fight that has yet been heard. Ireland, he tells us, has been contaminated by the British refugees who hadfled to that country to escape military service. 

[Illustration:

DRAKE'S WAY

Zeebrugge, St. George's Day, 1918

ADMIRAL DRAKE (to Admiral Keyes): "Bravo, sir. Tradition holds. My mensinged a King's beard, and yours have singed a Kaiser's moustache. "]

The Prime Minister, in reviewing the military situation, has attributed thesuccess of the Germans to their possessing the initiative and to theweather. Members have found it a little difficult to understand why, ifeven at the beginning of March the Allies were equal in numbers to theenemy on the West and if, thanks to the foresight of the VersaillesCouncil, they knew in advance the strength and direction of the impendingblow, they ever allowed the initiative to pass to the Germans. It is knownthat hundreds of thousands of men have been rushed out of England since thelast week of March. Why, if Sir Douglas Haig asked for reserves, were theynot sent sooner? These mysteries will be resolved some day. MeanwhileGeneral Trenchard, late chief of the Air Staff, and by general consent anexceptionally brilliant and energetic officer, has retired into the limbothat temporarily contains Lord Jellicoe and Sir William Robertson. But LordRothermere (Lord Northcliffe's brother), who still retains the confidenceof Mr. Pemberton Billing. Remains, and all is well. The enemy possiblythinks it even better. "At least we should keep our heads, " declared Mr. Pringle during the debate on the Man-Power Bill. We are not sure aboutthis. It depends upon the heads. 

It is a pity that the "New Oxford Dictionary" should have so nearly reachedcompletion before the War and the emergence of hundreds of new words, nowinevitably left out. The Air service has a new language of its own, witnessthe conversation faithfully reported by an expert:

SCENE: R. F. C. CLUB. TIME: EVERY TIME. 

_First Pilot_. Why, it's Brown-Jones!

_Second Pilot_. Hullo, old thing! What are you doing now?

_First Pilot_. Oh, I'm down at Puddlemarsh teaching huns--monoavros, pups and dolphins. 

_Second Pilot_. I'm on the same game, down at Mudbank--sop-two-seatersand camels. We've got an old tinside, too, for joy-riding. 

_First Pilot_. You've given up the rumpety, then?

_Second Pilot_. Yes. I was getting ham-handed and mutton-fisted, flapping the old things every day; felt I wanted to stunt about a bit. 

_First Pilot_. Have you ever butted up against Robinson-Smith atMudbank? He was an ack-ee-o, but became a hun. 

_Second Pilot_. Yes, he crashed a few days ago--on his first soloflip, taking off--tried to zoom, engine konked, busstalled--sideslip--nose-dive. Not hurt, though. What's become ofSmith-Jones? Do you know?

_First Pilot_. Oh, yes. He's on quirks and ack-ws. He tried spads, butgot wind up. Have you seen the new-----?

_Second Pilot_. Yes, it's a dud bus--only does seventy-five on theceiling. Too much stagger, and prop stops on a spin. Besides, I never didcare for rotaries. Full of gadgets too. 

_First Pilot_. Well, I must tootle off now. I'm flapping fromNorthbolt at dawn if my old airship's ready--came down there with a konkingengine--plug trouble. 

_Second Pilot_. Well, cheerio, old thing--weather looks dud--you'regoing to have it bumpy in the morning, if you're on a pup. 

_First Pilot_, Bye-bye, you cheery old bean. 

_[Exeunt. _

[Illustration: THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS]

The Emperor Karl of Austria, by his recent indiscretions, is winning forhimself the new title of "His Epistolic Majesty. " His suggestion thatFrance ought to have Alsace-Lorraine has grated on the susceptibilities ofhis brother Wilhelm. But a new fastidiousness is to be noted in the Teutoncharacter. "Polygamy, " says an article in a German review, "is essential tothe future of the German race, but a decent form must be found for it. "

_May, 1918_. 

With the coming of May the Vision of Victory which had nerved Germany toher greatest effort seemed fading from her sight. With its last days we seethem making a second desperate effort to secure the prize, capturingSoissons and the Chemin des Dames and pushing on to the Marne. This timethe French have borne the burden of the onslaught, but Rheims is stillheld, the Americans are pouring in to France at the rate of 250, 000 amonth, and have proved their mettle at Cantigny, a small fight of greatimportance, as it "showed their fighting qualities under extreme battleconditions, " in General Pershing's words, and earned the praise of GeneralDebeney for the "offensive valour" of our Allies. 

[Illustration: The Threatened Peace Offensive

GERMAN EAGLE (to British Lion): "I warn you--a little more of thisobstinacy and you'll rouse the dove in me!"]

The British troops have met Sir Douglas Haig's appeal as we knew theywould:

 Their _will_ to _win_ let Boches bawl As loudly as they choose, When once our back's against the wall 'Tis not our _wont to lose_. 

Those who have gone back at the seventh wave are waiting for the tide toturn. To the fainthearted or shaken souls who contend that no victory isworth gaining at the cost of such carnage and suffering, these linesaddressed "To Any Soldier" may serve as a solvent of their doubts and anexplanation of the mystery of sacrifice:

 If you have come through hell stricken or maimed, Vistas of pain confronting you on earth; If the long road of life holds naught of worth And from your hands the last toil has been claimed; If memories of horrors none has named Haunt with their shadows your courageous mirth And joys you hoped to harvest turn to dearth, And the high goal is lost at which you aimed;

 Think this--and may your heart's pain thus be healed-- Because of me some flower to fruitage blew, Some harvest ripened on a death-dewed field, And in a shattered village some child grew To womanhood inviolate, safe and pure. For these great things know your reward is sure. 

The Germans have reached Sevastopol, but the Kaiser's Junior Partner in theSouth is only progressing in the wrong direction. While Wilhelm islaboriously struggling to get nearer the sea, Mehmed is getting farther andfarther away from it. The attitude of Russia remains obscure. Mr. Balfourtells us that it is not the intention of the Government to appoint anAmbassador to Russia. But there is talk of sending out an exploration partyto find out just where Russia has got to. Russia, however, is not the onlycountry whose attitude is obscure. The Leader of the Irish NationalistParty is reported to have said to a New York interviewer: "We believe thatthe cause of the Allies is the cause of Freedom throughout the world. " Atthe same time, while repudiating the policy of the Sinn Feiners, headmitted that he had co-operated with them in their resistance to thedemand that Ireland should defend the cause of Freedom. The creed of SinnFein--"Ourselves Alone"--is at least more logical than that of theseneutral Nationalists:

 And is not ours a noble creed With Self uplifted on the throne? Why should we bleed for others' need? Our motto is "Ourselves Alone. "

 Why prate of ruined lands out there, Of churches shattered stone by stone? We need not care how others fare, We care but for "Ourselves Alone. "

 Though mothers weep with anguished eyes And tortured children make their moan, Let others rise when Pity cries; We rise but for "Ourselves Alone. "

 Let Justice be suppressed by Might, And Mercy's seat be overthrown; For Truth and Right the fools may fight, We fight but for "Ourselves Alone. "

Meanwhile, the gentle Mr. Duke has retired from the Chief Secretaryship tothe Judicial Bench; Mr. Shortt, his successor, recently voted againstconscription for Ireland; Lord French, the new Viceroy, is believed tofavour it. The appointments seem to have been made on the cancelling-outprinciple, and are as hard to reconcile as the ministerial utterances onthe recent German push. Thus Mr. Macpherson declared that the crisis cameupon us like a thief in the night, while on the same day Mr. Churchillobserved that the German offensive had opened a month later than we hadcalculated, and consequently our reserves in munitions were correspondinglylarger than they would have been. Anyhow, it is a good hearing that thelost guns, tanks, and aeroplanes have all been more than replaced, and thestores of ammunition completely replenished, while at the same timemunition workers have been released for the Army at the rate of a thousand_a_ day. These results have been largely due to the wonderful work ofthe women, who turned out innumerable shells of almost incrediblequality--not like that depicted by our artist. 

[Illustration: THE DUD]

Mr. Bonar Law has brought in his Budget and asked for a trifle of 842millions. We are to pay more for our letters, our cheques, and our tobacco. The Penny Postage has gone, and the Penny Pickwick with it. For the rest wehave had the Maurice Affair, which looked like a means of resurrecting theOpposition but ended in giving the Government a new lease of life, and SirEric Geddes has given unexpected support to the allegations that the Germanpill-boxes were made of British cement. At least he admitted that the portof Zeebrugge was positively congested with shiploads of the stuff. Proportional Representation has been knocked out for the fifth time in thisParliament; and we have to thank Sir Mark Sykes for telling us that theWhip's definition of a crank is "a wealthy man who does not want aKnighthood, or a nobleman who does not want to be an Under-Secretary. "

War is a great leveller. The Carl Rosa Company are about to produce anopera by an English composer. And war _is_ teaching us to revise ourhistories. For example, "'Nelson, ' the greatest naval pageant film everattempted, will, " says the _Daily News_, "tell the love story ofNelson's life and the outstanding incidents of his career, including thedestruction of the Spanish Armada. " No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, wetrust. The _Daily News_, by the way, is much exercised by Mr. Punch'slanguage towards the enemy, which it describes as being in the Billingsgatevein. In spite of which rebuke, and at the risk of offending the readers ofthat patriotic organ, Mr. Punch proposes to go on saying just what hethinks of the Kaiser and his friends. 

The price of tobacco, as we have seen, is becoming a serious matter, butIreland proposes to grapple with the problem in her own way. TheBallinasloe Asylum Committee, according to an announcement in the_Times_ of May 14, have decided, with the sanction of the authorities, to grow tobacco leaf for the use of their inmates. "A doctor said that ifthe patients were debarred from an adequate supply of tobacco there wouldbe no controlling them. "

As a set-off to the anti-"Cuthbert" campaign in the Press the War Cabinethas in its Report declared that "the whole Empire owes the Civil Service alasting debt of gratitude. " It looks as if there was something in red tapeafter all. We must not, however, fail to recognise the growth of the newcompetitive spirit in the sphere of production, and Mr. Punch looks forwardto the establishment of Cup Competitions for Clydesdale Riveters and LondonAllotment workers. Woman's work in munition factories has already beenapplauded; her services on the land are now more in need than ever. 

[Illustration: WOMAN POWER

CERES: "Speed the plough!"

PLOUGHMAN: "I don't know who you are, ma'am, but it's no good speeding theplough unless we can get the women to do the harvesting. "

(Fifty thousand more women are wanted on the land to take the place of mencalled to the colours, if the harvest is to be got in. )]

_June, 1918_. 

The danger is not past, but grounds for hope multiply. The new Germanassault between Montdidier and Noyon has brought little substantial gain atheavy cost. The attacks towards Paris have been held, and Paris, withadmirable fortitude, makes little of the attentions of "Fat Bertha. " "Thestruggle must be fought out, " declared the Kaiser in the recent anniversaryof his accession to the throne. In the meanwhile no opportunities oftalking it out will be overlooked by the enemy. He is once more playing theold game of striving to promote discord between the Allies. At the verymoment when the official communiqués announced the capture of 45, 000prisoners, the Chancellor began a new peace-offensive, aimed primarily atFrance, and supported by mendacious reports that the French Government werestarting for Bordeaux, Clemenceau overthrown, and Foch disgraced. But thecampaign of falsehood has proved powerless to shake France or impose on theGerman people. Commandeered enthusiasm is giving place to grave discontent. The awakening of Germany has begun, and the promise of a speedy peace fallson deaf ears. In the process of enlightenment the Americans have played aconspicuous part, in spite of the persistent belittlement of the militaryexperts in the official German Press. The stars in their courses havesometimes seemed to fight for Germany, but they are withdrawing their aid. 

[Illustration: "COMPLETE ACCORD"; OR, ALL DONE BY KINDNESS

IMPERIAL TRAINER (to his dog Karl): "Now then, no nonsense: through yougo!"]

[Illustration: THE CELESTIAL DUD. 

KAISER: "Ha! A new and brilliant star added to my constellation of theEagle!"

GENERAL FOCH: "On the wane, I think. "

(It is anticipated in astronomical circles that the new star, _NovaAquilae_, will shortly disappear. )]

The long struggle between von Kühlmann and the generals has ended in thefall of the Minister; but not before he had indicated to the Reichstag thepossibility of another Thirty Years' War, and asserted that no intelligentman ever entertained the wish that Germany should attain world-domination. There was a time when this frank reflection on the Hohenzollernintelligence would have constituted _lèse-majesté. _ Coming from aMinister it amounts to a portent. Now he has gone, but the growing beliefthat military operations cannot end the war has not been scotched by hisfall, and Herr Erzberger vigorously carries on the campaign againstChancellor Hertling and the generals. Austria has been at last goaded intoresuming the offensive on the Italian Front and met with a resoundingdefeat. It remains to be seen how Turkey and Bulgaria will respond to theurgent appeals of their exacting master. 

The ordeal of our men on the Western Front is terrible, but they have atleast one grand and heartening stand-by in the knowledge that they haveplenty of guns and no lack of shells behind them. This is the burden of the"Song of Plenty" from an old soldier to a young one:

 The shelling's cruel bad, my son, But don't you look too black, For every blessed German one He gets a dozen back-- But I remember the days When shells were terrible few And never the guns could bark and blaze The same as they do for you. 

 But they sat in the swamp behind, my boy, and prayed for a tiny shell, While Fritz, if he had the mind, my boy, could give us a first-class hell; And I know that a 5. 9 looks bad to a bit of a London kid, But I tell you you were a lucky lad to come out when you did. 

 * * * * * Up in the line again, my son, And dirty work, no doubt, But when the dirty work is done They'll take the Regiment out-- But I remember a day When men were terrible few And we hadn't reserves a mile away The same as there are for you, But fourteen days at a stretch, my boy, and nothing about relief; Fight andcarry and fetch, my boy, with rests exceeding brief; And rotten as allthings sometimes are, they're not as they used to be, And you ought tothank your lucky star you didn't come out with me. 

 * * * * *

Our mercurial Premier lays himself open to a good deal of legitimatecriticism, but for this immense relief, unstinted thanks are due to hisenergy and the devoted labours of the munition workers, women as well asmen. 

The Admiralty have decided not to publish the Zeebrugge dispatches for fearof giving information to the enemy. All he knows at present is that a scoreand more of his torpedo-boats, submarines, and other vessels have beensecurely locked up in the Bruges Canal by British Keyes. The Minister ofPensions has told the House the moving story of what has already been doneto restore, so far as money and care can do it, the broken heroes of theWar, and Lord Newton's alleged obstructiveness in regard to the treatmentand exchange of prisoners has been discussed in the Lords. Mr. Punch's ownimpression is that Lord Newton owes his unmerited position as whipping boyto the fact that he does not suffer fools gladly, even if they come in theguise of newspaper reporters; and that, unlike his illustrious namesake, hehas no use for the theory of gravity. Meanwhile the Kaiser, with a sublimedisregard for sunk hospital-ships and bombed hospitals, continues toexhibit his bleeding heart to an astonished world. 

[Illustration: A PITIFUL POSE

TEUTON CROCODILE: "I do so feel for the poor British wounded. I only wishwe could do more for them. "

"We Germans will preserve our conception of Christian duty towards the sickand wounded"--_From recent remarks of the Kaiser reported by a Germancorrespondent_. ]

Now that the Food Controller has got into his stride, the nation has begunto realise the huge debt it owes to his firmness and organising ability, and is proportionately concerned to hear of his breakdown from overwork. The queues have disappeared, supplies are adequate, and there are nocomplaints of class-favouritism. 

[Illustration: BOBBY (at the conclusion of dinner): "Mother, I don't knowhow it is, but I never seem to get that--that--nice sick feelingnowadays. "]

It is remarkable how the British soldier will pick up languages, or atleast learn to interpret them. Only last week an American corporal stoppeda British Sergeant and said: "Say, Steve, can you put me wise where I canbarge into a boiled-shirt biscuit-juggler who would get me some eats?" Andthe Sergeant at once directed him to a café. The training of the newarmies, to judge by the example depicted by our artist, affords fresh proofof the saying that love is a _liberal_ education. 

The situation on the Parliamentary Front has been fairly quiet. The popularpastime of asking when the promised Home Rule Bill is to be introduced isno longer met by suitably varied but invariably evasive replies. TheGovernment has now frankly admitted that the policy of running Home Ruleand Conscription in double harness has been abandoned, and expects betterthings from the new pair: Firm Government and Voluntary Recruiting. Butsceptics are unconvinced that the Government will abandon the leniencyprompted by "the insane view of creating an atmosphere in which somethingincomprehensible is to occur. "

[Illustration: MISTRESS (as the new troops go by): "Which of them is yourcousin?"

NURSEMAID (unguardedly): "I don't know yet, ma'am. "]

The lavish and, in many cases, inexplicable distribution of the Order ofthe British Empire bids fair to add a peculiar lustre to the undecorated. The War has produced no stranger paradox than the case of the gentleman whowithin the space of seven days was sentenced to six months' imprisonmentfor a breach of the Defence of the Realm regulations and recommended forthe O. B. E. On account of good services to the country. The fact that therecommendation was withdrawn hardly justified the assumption of aPacificist Member that a sentence under the Defence of the Realm Act wasregarded as the higher honour of the two. 

There is one thing, however, that war at its worst cannot do. It cannotmake an Englishman forgo that peculiar and blessed birthright which enableshim to overthrow the Giant Despair with the weapon of whimsical humour--inother words, to write, as a young officer has written for Mr. Punch, such aset of verses as the following in June, 1918:

THE BEST SMELL OF ALL

 When noses first were carved for men Of varied width and height, Strange smells and sweet were fashioned then That all might know delight-- Smells for the hooked, the snub, the fine, The pug, the gross, the small, A smell for each, and one divine Last smell to soothe them all. 

 The baccy smell, the smell of peat, The rough gruff smell of tweed, The rain smell on a dusty street Are all good smells indeed; The sea smell smelt through resinous trees, The smell of burning wood, The saintly smell of dairies--these Are all rich smells and good. 

 And good the smell the nose receives From new-baked loaves, from hops, From churches, from decaying leaves, From pinks, from grocers' shops; And smells of rare and fine bouquet Proceed, the world allows, From petrol, roses, cellars, hay, Scrubbed planks, hot gin and cows. 

 But there's a smell that doth excel All other smells by far, Even the tawny stable smell Or the boisterous smell of tar; A smell stupendous, past compare, The king of smells, the prize, That smell which floods the startled air When home-cured bacon fries!

 All other smells, whate'er their worth, Though dear and richly prized, Are earthy smells and of the earth, Are smells disparadised; But when that smell of smells awakes From ham of perfect cure, It lifts the heart to heaven and makes The doom of Satan sure. 

 How good to sit at twilight's close In a warm inn and feel That marvellous smell caress the nose With promise of a meal! How good when bell for breakfast rings To pause, while tripping down, And snuff and snuff till Fancy brings All Arcady to Town!

 But best, when day's first glimmerings break Through curtains half withdrawn, To lie and smell it, scarce awake, In some great farm at dawn; Cocks crow, the milkmaid clanks the pails, The housemaid bangs the stairs; And BACON suddenly assails The nostrils unawares. 

 Noses of varied width and height Doth kindly Heaven bestow, And choice of smells for our delight, That all some joy may know; Noses and smells for all the race That on this earth do dwell, And for a final act of grace The astounding bacon smell. 

But the War has its drawbacks, and owing to its unexpected prolongationthere is a rumour that Mr. H. G. Wells will readjust his ideas on thesubject quarterly instead of twice a week as before. 

_July, 1918. _

"France's Day" was held on July 14 under the auspices of the British RedCross Committee. But this has been France's month, the month in which themiracle of the first battle of the Marne has been equalled by the second, and the Germans have been hurled back across the fatal river by thetremendous counterstroke of General Foch. 

[Illustration: HUN TO HUN

ATTILA (to Little Willie): "Speaking as one barbarian to another, I don'trecommend the neighbourhood. I found it a bit unhealthy myself. "

(Attila's victorious progress across Gaul was finally checked on the plainsof Châlons. )]

[Illustration: VERY MUCH UP

A Champagne Counter-Offensive]

On the 15th the Germans launched their great offensive. On the 20th theyrecrossed the Marne, and are now entitled to complain that General Foch notonly took over the French and British armies, but has recently startedtaking over a good part of the German army. The neighbourhood has neverbeen a healthy one for the Huns since the days of Attila. 

Fritz has crossed the Marne and recrossed it--according to plan--and isalready on the way to the Aisne. The battle of the rivers has begun again, but on new lines. Yet this amazing turn of the tide has been taken veryquietly in France and England. The Allies have rung no joy-bells; they arecontent with doing their best to give Germany no occasion for furtherindulgence in that form of jubilation. And Germany is meeting them morethan half way, their authorities having ordered a supplementary requisitionof those church-bells which were exempted when the first confiscation wasmade. "At this heavy hour, " said von Kühlmann to the Reichstag, "none of usfully realise what we owe to the German Emperor. " That was a month ago; therealisation of their indebtedness has since advanced by leaps and bounds. There are now 1, 000, 000 Americans in France. But the Kaiser and hisWar-lords are still passing their victims through the fire to thePan-German Moloch, and threatening to send German generals to teach theAustrian Army how to win offensives. It is even reported that the Germanscontemplate placing the ex-king of Greece on the throne of Finland. Fantastic rumours are rife in these days; but there is only too good reasonto believe the report that the ex-Tsar, the Tsaritsa, and their daughtershave all been murdered by their brutal captors at Ekaterinburg. It seemsbut yesterday when Nicholas was acclaimed as the Saviour and regenerator ofhis people, and now Tsardom, irrevocably fallen from its high estate, hasgone down amid scenes of butchery and barbarity that eclipse the Reign ofTerror in France. 

Little has happened at Westminster to indicate a consciousness on the partof the members of the great and glorious events in France. The IrishExpeditionary Force, after an absence of three months and a severe trainingat home, has returned to the Parliamentary Front, and their war-cry is"Devlin's the friend, not Shortt!" But the Chief Secretary was able to makethe gratifying announcement that the voluntary recruiting campaign is to beassisted by several Nationalist M. P. 's, including Captain Stephen Gwynn, who has been serving in the trenches, and Colonel Lynch, who, having raisedone Irish brigade to fight against us in the Boer War, and been sentencedto death for doing it, has now, with an inconsistency we cannot toogratefully recognise, undertaken to raise another to fight on our side. Mr. Bonar Law has revealed the interesting fact that only 288 members of theHouse of Commons have received titles, decorations, or offices of profitsince it was elected in December, 1910. The unnoticed residue are probablywondering whether it is their own modesty or the shortsightedness ofMinisters that has caused them to be passed over. Mr. Billing, afterseveral pathetic but futile efforts to regain his place in the limelight, has at last succeeded in getting himself named, suspended, and forciblyassisted by four stalwart officials in his exit from the House--the mostsalutary movement, in the opinion of most members, with which he has yetbeen connected. 

Admiral Sir Rosslyn Wemyss, in a recent speech, said that the associationbetween the two Services, the Royal Navy and the Mercantile Marine, hadbeen so close during the War, whatever that association might have beenbefore, that it seemed to him almost incredible that it could ever bebroken asunder. The First Sea Lord's statement is welcome and natural. Butthere is nothing really new in this solidarity of the seas. The Secret ofthe Ships is an old story:

 On their ventures in the service of a Tudor King or Queen All the ships were just as like as they could be, For the merchantman gave battle, while the Royal ship was seen As a not too simple trader over-sea: Being heirs to ancient customs, when their upper sails came down As a token of respect in passing by, They would add the salutation in a language of their own, "God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I. "

 As the centuries receded came a parting of the ways Till in time the separation went so far That a family was founded who were traders all their days, And another who were always men-of-war; But whene'er they dipped their colours, one in faith, they understood-- And the sea, who taught them both, could tell you why-- That the custom never altered, so the greeting still held good, "God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I. "

 Then in days of common sacrifice and peril was it strange That they ratified the union of the past? While their Masters, unsuspecting, greatly marvelled at the change, But they prayed with all their souls that it would last; And the ships, who know the secret, go rejoicing on their way, For whatever be the ensign that they fly, Such as keep the seas with honour are united when they pray, "God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I. "

[Illustration:

"WAR PICTURES"

THE MOTHER: "Of course, I don't understand them, dear; but they give me adreadful feeling. I can't bear to look at them. Is it really like that atthe Front?"

THE WARRIOR (who has seen terrible things in battle): "Thank heaven, no, mother. "]

England deplores the death of Lord Rhondda, who achieved success in themost irksome and invidious of offices. He undertook the duties of FoodController in broken health, never spared himself, and died in harness. Itis to be hoped that he realised what was the truth--that he had won notonly the confidence but the gratitude of the public. 

Spain has rendered herself unpleasantly conspicuous by developing andexporting a new form of influenza, and a Spanish astrologer predicts theend of the world in a few months' time. But we are not going to allow thosepetty distractions to take our minds off the War. Here we may note thatBaron Burian's recent message indicates that but for the War everythingwould be all right in Austria. Our artists are certainly determined not tolet us forget it. But the most valuable pictures do not find their way intogalleries, though they do not lack appreciative spectators. 

[Illustration:

CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "That's very clever. Who did it?"

SERGEANT. "Oh, that's by Perkins, sir--quite an expert. Used to paintsparrows before the war and sell 'em for canaries. "]

No record of the month would be complete without notice of the unique wayin which the Fourth of July has been celebrated by John Bull and Uncle Samin France. Truly such a meeting as this does make amends. 

_August, 1918_. 

July was a glorious month for the Allies, and August is even better. Itbegan with the recovery of Soissons; a week later it was the turn of theBritish, and Sir Douglas Haig struck hard on the Amiens front; since thenthe enemy have been steadily driven back by the unrelenting pressure of theAllies, Bapaume and Noyon have been recaptured, and with their faces setfor home the Germans have learnt to recognise in a new and unpleasant sensethe truth of the Kaiser's saying, "The worst is behind us. " The 8th ofAugust was a bad day for Germany, for it showed that the counter-offensivewas not to be confined to one section; that henceforth no respite would beallowed from hammer-blows. The German High Command endeavours totranquillise the German people by _communiqués_, the gist of which maythus be rendered in verse:

 In those very identical regions That sunder the Marne from the Aisne We advanced to the rear with our legions Long ago and have done it again; Fools murmur of errors committed, But every intelligent man Has accepted the view that we flitted According to plan. 

The French rivers have found their voice again:

 'Twas the voice of the Marne That began it with "Garn! Full speed, Fritz, astarn!" Then the Ourcq and the Crise Sang "Move on, if you please. " The Ardre and the Vesle Took up the glad tale, And cried to the Aisne "Wash out the Hun stain. " So all the way back from the Marne the French rivers Have given the Boches in turn the cold shivers. 

[Illustration: "ACCORDING TO PLAN"

LITTLE WILLIE: "Well, Father wanted a war of movement, and now he's gotit!"]

[Illustration: VON POT AND VON KETTLE

GERMAN GENERAL: "Why the devil don't you stop these Americans comingacross? That's your job. "

GERMAN ADMIRAL: "And why the devil don't you stop 'em when they _are_across? That's yours. "]

[Illustration:

CHILD (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first timefor two years): "Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband. "]

Hindenburg has confided to a newspaper correspondent that the German peopleneed to develop the virtue of patience. According to the _BerlinerTageblatt_ he has declared that he was not in favour of the Julyoffensive. Ludendorff, on the other hand, may fairly point out that itisn't his offensive any longer. Anyhow, Hindenburg is fairly entitled togive Ludendorff the credit of it since Ludendorff's friends have alwayssaid that he supplied the old Mud-Marshal with brains. The amenities ofthe High Command are growing lively, since the Navy is also concerned, and the failure of the U-boats to check the influx of American troopsneeds a lot of explaining away. The good news from the Front has beenreceived at home with remarkable composure, when one considers theacute anxiety of the last four months. But it is the way of England toendure felicity with calmness and adversity with fortitude. In the House ofLords Lord Inchcape and Lord Emmott have been propitiating Nemesis by theirwarnings of the gloomy financial future that is in store for us, while inthe Commons the Bolshevist group below the gangway are apparently muchperturbed by the prospect that Russia may be helped on to her legs again bythe Allies. Mr. Dillon's indictment of the Government for their treatmentof Ireland has had, however, a welcome if unexpected result. Mr. Shortt, the new Chief Secretary, an avowed and unrepentant Home Ruler, has beentelling Mr. Dillon's followers a few plain truths about themselves: thatthey have made no effort to turn the Home Rule Act into a practicalmeasure; that instead of denouncing Sinn Fein they had followed its lead;that they had attacked the Irish executive when they ought to havesupported it, and by their refusal to help recruiting had forfeited thesympathy of the British working classes. Mr. Lloyd George, in his reviewof the War, warned the peacemongers not to expect their efforts tosucceed until the enemy knew he was beaten, but vouchsafed no informationas to his alleged intention to go to the country in the political sense. In spite of the Premier's warning the Pacificists made another futileattempt on the very next day to convince the House that the Germans wereready to make an honest peace if only our Government would listen to it. They were well answered by Mr. Robertson, who was a Pacificist himselfuntil this War converted him, and by Mr. Balfour, who declared that wewere quite ready to talk to Germany as soon as she showed any sign ofa change of heart. Up to the present there has been no sign of it. 

Food is still the universal topic. Small green apples, says a contemporary, are proving popular. A boy correspondent, however, desires Mr. Punch to saythat he has a little inside information to the contrary. Nottinghamchildren, it is stated, are to be paid 3d. A pound for gatheringblackberries, but they are not to use their own receptacles. CaptainAmundsen is on his way to the Pole, but we fear that he will not find anycheese there. The vocabulary of food control has even made its way to thenursery. A small girl on being informed by her nurse that a new little babybrother had come to live with her promptly replied: "Well, he can't stayunless he's brought his coupons. "

[Illustration:

LATEST ADDITION TO MINISTRY STAFF: "What's the tea-time here?"

CICERONE: "Usual--three to five-thirty. "]

Yet one of Mr. Punch's poets, in prophetic and optimistic strain, hasactually dared to speculate on the delights of life without "Dora";Dickens, with the foresight of genius, wrote in "David Copperfield" how hishero "felt it would have been an act of perfidy to Dora to have a naturalrelish for my dinner. "

The enterprise of _The Times_ in securing the reminiscences of theKaiser's American dentist (or gum-architect, as he is called in his nativeland) has aroused mingled feelings. But the Kaiser is reported to havestated in no ambiguous terms that if, after the War, any Americans are tobe given access to him, from Ambassadors downwards, they must be ableneither to read nor write. _The Times_ is also responsible for theheadline: "The Archangel Landing. " There was a rumour of something of thiskind after Mons, but this is apparently official. 

One prominent effect of the War has been to make two PropagandistDepartments flourish where none grew before, and it is to be feared thatthe reflection on the industry of our new officials implied in the pictureon the previous page is not without foundation. 

War has not only stimulated the composition, but the perusal of poetry, especially among women:

 When the Armageddon diet Makes Priscilla feel unquiet, She prescribes herself (from Pope) An acidulated trope. 

 When the lard-hunt ruffles Rose Wordsworth lulls her to repose, While a snippet from the "Swan" Stops the jam-yearn of Yvonne. 

 When the man-slump makes her fretty Susie takes to D. Rossetti, Though her sister Arabella Rather fancies Wilcox (Ella). 

 When Evangelina swoons At the sound of the maroons, Mrs. Hemans comes in handy As a substitute for brandy. 

 And when Auntie heard by chance That the Curate was in France, Browning's enigmatic lyrics Helped to save her from hysterics. 

_September, 1918_. 

Since July 15th, when the Kaiser mounted a high observation post to watchthe launching of the offensive which was to achieve his crowning victory, but proved the prelude of the German collapse, the conflict has ragedcontinuously and with uninterrupted success for the Allied Armies. TheKaiser Battle has become the Battle of Liberation. The French bore theinitial burden of the attack, but since August 8 "hundreds of thousands ofunbeaten Tommies, " to quote the phrase of a French military expert, haveentered into action in a succession of attacks started one after the otherall the way up to Flanders. Rawlinson, Home, and Byng have carried on thehammer work begun by Mangin, Gouraud, and Debeney. Péronne has beenrecovered, the famous Drocourt-Quéant switch-line has been breached, theAmericans have flattened out the St. Mihiel salient. The perfect liaison ofBritish and French and Americans has been a wonderful example of combinedeffort rendered possible by unity of command. "Marshal Foch strikes to-dayat a new front, " is becoming a standing headline. And this highly desirable"epidemic of strikes" is not confined to the Western Front. AsGeneralissimo of all the Allied Forces the great French Marshal has plannedand carried out an _ensemble_ of operations designed to shatter anddemoralise the enemy at every point. The long inaction on the SalonikaFront has been ended by the rapid and triumphant advance of the British, French, Serbians, and Greeks under General Franchet d'Esperey. Eight dayssufficed to smash the Bulgarians, and the armistice then granted wasfollowed four days later by the surrender of Bulgaria. In less than afortnight General Allenby pushed north from Jerusalem, annihilated theTurkish armies in Palestine, and captured Damascus. And by the end of themonth the Hindenburg line had been breached and gone the way of the "Wotan"line. Wotan was not a happy choice:

 But even super-Germans are wont at times to nod, And to borrow Wotan's aegis was indubitably odd; For dark decline o'erwhelmed his line: he saw his god-head wane, And his stately palace vanish in a red and ruinous vain. 

[Illustration: STORM DRIVEN

THE KAISER: "I don't like this wind, my son. Which way is it?"

THE CROWN PRINCE: "Up!"]

[Illustration: IN RESERVE

GERMAN EAGLE (to German Dove): "Here, carry on for a bit, will you I'mfeeling rather run down. "]

Well may the Berlin _Tageblatt_ say that "the war stares us in theface and stares very hard. " When a daily paper announces "Half CrownPrince's army turned over to another General, " we are curious to know howmuch the Half Crown Prince thinks the German Sovereign worth. But the endis not yet. Our pride in the achievements of our Armies and Generals, inthe heroism of our Allies and the strategy of Marshal Foch does not blindus to the skill and tenacity with which the Germans are conducting theirretreat. Fritz is a tough fighter; if only he had fought a clean fight wecould look forward to a thorough reconciliation. But that is a far cry forthose who have been in the war, farthest of all for our sailormen, who cannever forget certain acts of frightfulness. 

 Hans Dans an' me was shipmates once, an' if 'e'd fought us clean, Why shipmates still when war was done might Hans an' me 'ave been; The truest pals a man can have are them 'e's fought before, But--never no more, Hans Dans, my lad, so 'elp me, never no more!

Austria has issued a Peace Note, and the German Chancellor has declaredthat Germany is opposed to annexation in any form. The German Eagle, makinga virtue of necessity, is ready to give the bird of Peace an innings. 

[Illustration: ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING]

The two Emmas, Ack and Pip, are naturally furious at the adoption of thetwenty-four hours' system of reckoning time, which means that theiroccupation will be gone, and that like other old soldiers they will fadeaway. Amongst other innovations we have to note the spread of "bobbing, "the further possibilities of which are alarming to contemplate. 

Ferdinand, Tsar of Bulgaria, great grandson of Philippe Egalité, findingSofia unhealthy, has been recuperating at Vienna. His future plans arevague, but it is thought he may join the ex-Kings' Club in Switzerland. Lenin, the Bolshevist Dictator, has recently experienced an attempt on hislife, and retaliated in a fashion which would have done credit to amediaeval despot. England still refuses to indulge in joy bells or bunting, but the London police have seized the occasion to strike on the home front. Their operations have been promptly if inconsistently rewarded by theremoval of their chief and his elevation to the baronetcy. 

Parliament is not sitting, and the voice of the Pro-Boche and the Pro-Bolshis temporarily hushed. We have to note, however, a most welcome_rapprochement_ between Downing and Carmelite Streets--the _DailyMail_ has praised the Foreign Office for an "excellent piece of work, "and the scapegoat, unexpectedly caressed, is sitting up and takingnourishment. 

The harvest has been a success, thanks to the energy of the newland-workers, the armies behind the army:

 All the talent is here--all the great and the lesser, The proud and the humble, the stout and the slim, The second form boy and the aged professor, Grade three and the hero in want of a limb. 

Four years of war have brought curious changes to "our village":

 Our baker's in the Flying Corps, Our butcher's in the Buffs, Our one policeman cares no more For running in the roughs, But carves a pathway to the stars As trooper in the Tenth Hussars. 

 The Mayor's a Dublin Fusilier, The clerk's a Royal Scot, The bellman is a brigadier And something of a pot; The barber, though at large, is spurned; The Blue Boar's waiter is interned. 

 The postman, now in Egypt, wears A medal on his coat; The vet. Is breeding Belgian hares, The vicar keeps a goat; The schoolma'am knits upon her stool; The village idiot gathers wool. 

[Illustrations: FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER

First week

Second week

Third week

Fourth week]

The husbandman and his new help have undergone mutual transformation. Andour cadet battalions are making themselves very much at home at Oxford andCambridge. 

[Illustration: CADET: "Really, from the way these College Authorities makethemselves at home you'd think the place belonged to them. "]

The Navy still remains the silent Service, but, as the need for reticenceis being relaxed by the triumph of our arms, we are beginning to learnsomething, though unofficially as yet, of that "plaything of the Navy andnightmare of the Huns"--the Q-boat:

 She can weave a web of magic for the unsuspecting foe, She can scent the breath of Kultur leagues away, She can hear a U-boat thinking in Atlantic depths below And disintegrate it with a Martian ray; She can feel her way by night Through the minefield of the Bight; She has all the tricks of science, grave and gay. 

 In the twinkle of a searchlight she can suffer a sea-change From a collier to a _Shamrock_ under sail, From a Hyper-super-Dreadnought, old Leviathan at range, To a lightship or a whaler or a whale; With some canvas and a spar She can mock the morning star As a haystack or the flotsam of a gale. 

 She's the derelict you chartered north of Flores outward-bound, She's the iceberg that you sighted coming back, She's the salt-rimed Biscay trawler heeling home to Plymouth Sound, She's the phantom-ship that crossed the moon-beams' track; She's the rock where none should be In the Adriatic Sea, She's the wisp of fog that haunts the Skagerrack. 

Recognition of services faithfully done is an endless task; but Mr. Punchis glad to print the valedictory tribute of one of the boys in blue to aV. A. D. --a class that has come in for much undeserved criticism. 

 While willy-nilly I must go A-hunting of the Hun, You'll carry on--which now I know (Although I've helped to rag you so) Means great work greatly done. 

Among the minor events of the month has been the christening of a baby bythe names of Grierson Plumer Haig French Smith-Dorrien, as its fatherserved under these generals. The idea is, no doubt, to prevent the childwhen older from asking: "What did you do in the Great War, Daddy?"

England, as we have already said, endures its triumphs with composure. Butour printers are not altogether immune from excitement. An evening paperinforms us that "the dwifficuplties of passing from rigid trench warfare tofield warfare are gigantic and perhaps unsurmountable. " And only our innatesense of comradeship deters us from naming the distinguished contemporarywhich recently published an article entitled: "The Importance of Bray. "

_October, 1918_. 

THE growing _crescendo_ of success has reached its climax in this, themost wonderful month of our _annus mirabilis. _ Every day bringstidings of a new victory. St. Quentin, Cambrai, and Laon had all beenrecaptured in the first fortnight. On the 17th Ostend, Lille, and Douaiwere regained, Bruges was reoccupied on the 19th, and by the 20th theBelgian Army under King Albert, reinforced by the French and Americans, andwith the Second British Army under General Plumer on the right, hadcompelled the Germans to evacuate the whole coast of Flanders. The Battleof Liberation, which began on the Marne in July, is now wageduninterruptedly from the Meuse to the sea. Only in Lorraine has the advanceof the American Army been held up by the difficulties of the _terrain_and the exceptionally stubborn resistance of the Germans. 

Elsewhere the "war of movement" has gone on with unrelenting energyaccording to Foch's plan, which suggests a revision of Pope:

 Great Foch's law is by this rule exprest, Prevent the coming, speed the parting pest. 

The German, true to his character of the world's worst loser and winner, leaves behind him all manner of booby-traps, some puerile, many diabolical, which give our sappers plenty of work, cause a good many casualties, andonly confirm the resolve of the victors. 

According to a German paper--the _Rhenish WestphalianGazette_--ex-criminals are being drafted into the German Army. But theAllies propose to treat them without invidious distinction. The CrownPrince recently observed that he had "many friends in the Ententecountries"; as a matter of fact, we seem to be getting them at the rate ofabout twenty-five thousand a week. The criminals in the German Navy haveagain been busy, adding to their previous exploits the sinking of thepassenger steamer _Leinster_, in the Irish Channel, with heavy loss oflife, the worst disaster of the kind since the torpedoing of the_Lusitania_. Yet it is Germany that is the sinking ship. Ferdinand ofBulgaria has joined the League of Abdication, and according to a Sofiatelegram, will devote himself to scientific pursuits. His only regret isthat the Allies thought of it first. Prince Friedrich Karl of Hesse saysthat his accession to the throne of Finland will not take place for twoyears, and for the first time since his emergence into publicity we findourselves in agreement with this monarch-elect. Ludendorff has resigned. Austria is suing for peace; Count Tisza asks: "Why not admit frankly thatwe have lost the War?" The Italians have crossed the Piave, and theSerbians have reached the Danube. Turkey has been granted an armistice, andwith the daily victories of the Allies comes the daily report that theKaiser has abdicated. 

[Illustration: SOLDIER AND CIVILIAN

MARSHAL FOCH (to Messrs. Clemenceau, Wilson and Lloyd George): "If you'regoing up that road, gentlemen, look out for booby-traps. "]

Prince Max of Baden, the successor of Hertling in the Chancellorship, whoseappointment hardly bears out the promise of popular government, has issueda pacific Manifesto which inspires an "Epitaph in anticipation":

 In memory of poor Prince Max, Who, posing as the friend of Pax, Yet was not noticeably lax In the true Teuton faith which hacks Its way along; forbidden tracks, Marks bloody dates on almanacs And holds all promises as wax; Breeding, where once we knew Hans Sachs, A race of monomaniacs. .. . But now illusion's mirror cracks, The radiant vision fades, the axe Lies at the root. So farewell, Max!

Certain people have proclaimed their opinion that the German nation oughtnot to be humiliated. When all is said, Mr. Punch saves his pity for ourmurdered dead. 

Parliament has met again, not that there is any very urgent need for theirlabours just now. With a caution that seemed excessive Mr. Bonar Law hasthought it premature to discuss a military situation changing everyhour--though happily always for the better--or even to propose a formalVote of Thanks to men who are daily adding to their harvest of laurels. Onbetter grounds discussion of Mr. Wilson's famous "fourteen points" and ofdemobilisation has been deprecated. The suggestion--made opportunely onTrafalgar Day--for securing marks of distinction for our merchant seamengained a sympathetic hearing, and the proposal to make women eligible forParliament has been carried after a serious debate by an overwhelmingmajority in which the _ci-devant_ anti-suffragists were as prominentas the others. Five years ago such a motion would have furnished an orgy ofalleged humour, and been laughed out of the House. Mr. Dillon and hiscolleagues have put a great many questions about the torpedoing of the_Leinster_ and the lack of an escort. But it is unfortunate that theirtone suggested more indignation with the alleged laches of the Admiraltythan horror at the German crime. Irish indignation over the outrage, according to a Nationalist M. P. , is intense; but not to the point ofexpressing itself in khaki. 

[Illustration: Die Nacht am Rhein]

[Illustration: PROSPEROUS IRISH FARMER: "And what about the War, yourRiverence? Do ye think it will hould?"]

The woes of the Irish harvest labourers in England have not yet been fullyappreciated, and seem to demand a revised version of "Moira O'Neill's"beautiful poem:

THE IRISH EXILE

 Over here in England I'm slavin' in the rain; Six-an'-six a day we get, an' beds that wanst were clane; Weary on the English work, 'tis killin' me that same-- Och, Muckish Mountain, where I used to lie an' dhrame!

 At night the windows here are black as Father Murphy's hat; 'Tis fivepence for a pint av beer, an' thin ye can't get that; Their beef has shtrings like anny harp, for dacent ham I hunt-- Och, Muckish Mountain, an' my pig's sweet grunt!

 Sure there's not a taste av butthermilk that wan can buy or beg, Thin their sweet milk has no crame, an' is as blue as a duck-egg; Their whisky is as wake as wather-gruel in a bowl--Och, Muckish Mountain, where the _poteen_ warms yer sowl!

 'Tis mesilf that longs for Irish air an' gran' ould Donegal, Where there's lashins and there's lavins and no scarcity at all; Where no wan cares about the War, but just to ate an' play-- Och, Muckish Mountain, wid yer feet beside the say!

 Sure these Englishmin don't spare thimselves in this thremenjus fight; They say 'tis life or death for thim, an', faith, they may be right; But Father Murphy tells me that it's no consarn av mine-- Och, Muckish Mountain, where the white clouds shine!

 Over there in Ireland we're very fond av peace, Though we break the heads av Orangemin an' batther the police; For we're all agin the Governmint wheriver we may be-- Och, Muckish Mountain, an' the wild wind blowin' free!

 If they tuk me out to Flandhers, bedad I'd have to fight, An' I'm tould thim Jarman vagabones won't let ye sleep at night; So I'm going home to Ireland wid English notes galore-- Och, Muckish Mountain, I will niver lave ye more!

By way of contrast there is the mood of the Old Contemptibles, but it isonly fair to add that there are Irishmen among them:

THE OLD-TIMER

 'E aint't bin 'ung with medals, like a lot o' chaps abaht; 'E's wore a little dingy but 'e isn't wearin' aht; 'Is ole tin 'at is battered, but it isn't battered in, An' if 'e ain't fergot to grouse, 'e ain't fergot to grin. 

 I fancy that 'e's aged a bit since fust the War begun; 'E's 'ad 'is fill o' fightin' an' 'e's 'ad 'is share o' fun; 'Is eyes is kind o' quiet an' 'is mouth is sort o' set, But if I didn't know 'im well I wouldn't know 'im yet. 

 I recollec' the look of 'im the time o' the retreat, The blood was through 'is toonic an' the skin was orf 'is feet; But "Come aboard the bus, " say 'e, "or you'll be lef be'ind!" An' takes me weight upon 'is back--it 'asn't slip me mind. 

 It might 'ave 'appened yesterday, it comes to me so plain; 'E's dahn an' up a dozen times, a-reeling through the rain; It might 'ave bin lars' Saturday I seem to 'ear 'im say: "There's plenty room a-top, me lad, an' nothin' more to pay. "

 'E ain't bin 'ung with medals like a blackamore with beads; 'E doesn't figure on the screen a-doin' darin' deeds; But reckon I'll be lucky if I gets to Kingdom Come Along o' that Contemptible wot wouldn't leave a chum. 

[Illustration:

FIRST CONTEMPTIBLE: "D'you remember halting here on the retreat, George?"

SECOND DITTO: "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little villagein the wood there down by the river, or was it that place with thecathedral and all them factories?"]

Amongst other items of news we have to chronicle the appointment of Mr. Arnold Bennett as a Director of Propaganda, the steady growth ofgoat-keeping, and the exactions of taxi-drivers. It is now suggested thatif one of these pirates should charge you largely in excess of his legalfare, you should tell him that you have nothing less than a five-poundnote. If you have an honest face and speak kindly he will probably acceptthe amount. 

[Illustration: THE SANDS RUN OUT]

Mr. Bonar Law has been making trips to and from France by aeroplane. Thereport that a number of members of the Opposition have been invited by theAdmiralty to make a descent in a depth-charge turns out to be unfounded. The prospects of peace are being discussed on public platforms, but, asyet, with commendable discretion. Mr. Roberts, our excellent Minister ofLabour, has made bold to say that "the happenings of the last six weeksjustify us in the belief that peace is much nearer than it was during theearlier part of the year. " And a weekly paper has offered a prize of £500to the reader who predicts the date when the War will end. Meanwhile, Hanover is said to have made Hindenburg a birthday present of a house inthe neighbourhood of the Zoological Gardens in that city, and we suggestthat before this gift is incorporated in the peace-terms the words "theneighbourhood of" should be deleted. 

_November, 1918_. 

The end has come with a swiftness that has outdone the hopes of the mostsanguine optimists. In the first eleven days of November we have seenhistory in the making on a larger scale and with larger possibilities thanat any time since the age of Napoleon, perhaps since the world began. 

[Illustration: VICTORY!]

To take the chief events in order, the Versailles Conference opened on the1st; on the 3rd Austria gave in and the resolve of the German Naval HighCommand to challenge the Grand Fleet in the North Sea was paralysed by themutiny at Kiel; on the 5th the Versailles Conference gave full powers toMarshal Foch to arrange the terms of an armistice, and President Wilsonaddressed the last of his Notes to Germany; on the 6th the American Armyreached Sedan; on the 9th Marshal Foch received Erzberger and the otherGerman Envoys, the Berlin Revolution broke out, and the Kaiser abdicated;on the 10th the Kaiser fled to Holland, and the British reached Mons. Thewheel had come full circle. The Belgian, British, French, and AmericanArmies now formed a semi-circle from Ghent to Sedan, and threatened tosurround the German Armies already in retreat and crowded into the narrowvalley of the Meuse. Everything was ready for Foch's final attack; indeed, he was on the point of attacking when the Germans, recognising that theywere faced with the prospect of a Sedan ten times greater than that of1870, signed on November 11 an armistice which was equivalent to a militarycapitulation, and gave Marshal Foch all that he wanted without the heavylosses which further fighting would have undoubtedly involved. He had shownhimself the greatest military genius of the War. Here, in the words of oneof his former colleagues at the Ecole de Guerre, he proved himself freefrom the stains which have so often tarnished great leaders in war, thelust of conquest and personal ambition. Not only the Allies, but the wholeworld owes an incalculable debt to this soldier of justice, compact ofreason and faith, imperturbable in adversity, self-effacing in the hour ofvictory. Glorious also is the record of the other French Generals: thestrong-souled Pétain, hero of Verdun; the heroic Maunoury; Castlenau andMangin, Gouraud. Debeney, and Franchet d'Esperey, Captains Courageous, worthy of France, her cause, and her indomitable _poilus_. In therecord of acknowledgment France stands first since her sacrifices andlosses have been heaviest, and she gave us in Foch the chief organiser ofvictory, in Clemenceau the most inspiring example of intrepidstatesmanship. But the War could not have been won without England and theEmpire; without the ceaseless vigil in the North Sea; without the heroes ofJutland and Coronel, of the Falkland Isles and Zeebrugge, of the Fleetsbehind the Fleet; without the services of Smith-Dorrien at Mons, French atYpres; without the dogged endurance, the inflexible will and theself-sacrificing loyalty of Haig; the dash of Maude and Allenby; thesteadfast leadership in defence and offence of Plumer and Byng, Home andRawlinson and Birdwood. 

[Illustration: OUR MAN

With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir Douglas Haig. ]

[Illustration: THE FINAL TOMMY;(ex-footballer): "We was just wipin' themoff the face of the earth when Foch blows his whistle and shouts 'Temps!'"]

These are only some of the heroes who have added to the glories of ourblood and State, but the roll is endless--wonderful gunners and sappers andairmen and dispatch riders, devoted surgeons and heroic nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance drivers. But Mr. Punch's special heroes arethe Second Lieutenants and the Tommy who went on winning the War all thetime and never said that he was winning it until it was won. 

As for the young officers, dead and living, their record is the best answerto the critics, mostly of the arm-chair type, who have chosen this time toassail our public school system. In the papers of one of them killed onAugust 28 there was found an article written in reply to "The Loom ofYouth, " ending with these words: "Perhaps the greatest consolation of theseattacks on our greatest heritage in England (for we are the uniquepossessors of the Public Schools) is the conviction that they will have butlittle effect. Every public school boy is serving, and one in every sixgives up his life. They cannot be such bad places after all. "

Of the great mistakes made by Germany perhaps the greatest was in reckoningon the detachment of the Dominions. The Canadians have made answer on ahundred stricken fields before and after Vimy Ridge. Australia gave hergoodliest at Gallipoli, crowning the imperishable glory of those who diedthere by her refusal to make a grievance of the apparent failure of theexpedition, and by the amazing achievement of her troops in the last sixmonths of the War. 

The immortal dead, British, Australians, New Zealanders, who fell in thegreat adventure of the narrow straits are not forgotten in the hour oftriumph. 

 GALLIPOLI _Qui procul hinc ante diem perierunt_. 

 Ye unforgotten, that for a great dream died, Whose failing sense darkened on peaks unwon, Whose souls went forth upon the wine-dark tide To seas beyond the sun, Far off, far off, but ours and England's yet, Know she has conquered! Live again, and let The clamouring trumpets break oblivion!

 Not as we dreamed, nor as you strove to do, The strait is cloven, the crag is made our own; The salt grey herbs have withered over you, The stars of Spring gone down, And your long loneliness has lain unstirred By touch of home, unless some migrant bird Flashed eastward from the white cliffs to the brown. 

 Hard by the nameless dust of Argive men, Remembered and remote, like theirs of Troy, Your sleep has been, nor can ye wake again To any cry of joy; Summers and snows have melted on the waves. And past the noble silence of your graves The merging waters narrow and deploy. 

 But not in vain, not all in vain, thank God; All that you were and all you might have been Was given to the cold effacing sod, Unstrewn with garlands green; The valour and the vision that were yours Lie not with broken spears and fallen towers, With glories perishable of all things seen. 

 Children of one dear land and every sea, At last fulfilment comes--the night is o'er; Now, as at Samothrace, swift Victory Walks winged on the shore; And England, deathless Mother of the dead, Gathers, with lifted eyes and unbowed head, Her silent sons into her arms once more. 

Crowns and thrones have rocked and toppled of late, but our King and Queen, by their unsparing and unfaltering devotion to duty, by their simplicity oflife and unerring instinct for saying and doing the right thing, have notonly set a fine example, but strengthened their hold on the loyalty of allclasses. And King Albert, who defied Germany at the outset, shared thedangers of his soldiers in retreat and disaster, and throughout the warproved an inspiration to his people, has been spared to lead them tovictory and has gloriously come into his own again. His decision to resistGermany was perhaps the most heroic act of the War, and he has emerged fromhis tremendous ordeal with world-wide prestige and unabated distaste forthe limelight. The liberation and resurrection of Belgium and Serbia havebeen two of the most splendid outcomes of the World War, as the_débâcle_ in Russia and the martyrdom of Armenia have been itsgreatest tragedies. 

Parliament has been seen at its best and worst. When the Prime Ministerrose in the House on the afternoon of the 11th to announce the terms of theArmistice signed at 5 A. M. That morning, members from nearly all parts ofthe House rose to acclaim him. Even "the ranks of Tuscany" on the frontOpposition bench joined in the general cheering. Only Mr. Dillon and hishalf-dozen supporters remained moody and silent, and when Mr. Speaker, inhis gold-embroidered joy-robes, headed a great procession to St. Margaret'sChurch, and the ex-Premier and his successor--the man who drew the sword ofBritain in the war for freedom and the man whose good fortune it has beento replace it in the sheath--fell in side by side, behind them walked therepresentatives of every party save one. Mr. Dillon and his associates hadmore urgent business in one of the side lobbies--to consider, perhaps, whyLord Grey of Falloden, in his eve-of-war speech, had referred to Ireland as"the one bright spot. " This Irish aloofness is wondrously illustrated bythe _Sunday Independent_ of Dublin, which, in its issue of November10, spoke of a racing event as the only redeeming feature of "anunutterably dull week. " We have to thank Mr. Dillon, however, forunintentionally enlivening the dulness of the discussion on the relationsof Lord Northcliffe to the Ministry of Information and his forecast of thepeace terms. Mr. Baldwin, for the Government, while endeavouring to allaythe curiosity of members, said that "Napoleons will be Napoleons. " Mr. Dillon seemed to desire the appointment of a "Northcliffe Controller, " butthat is impracticable. All our bravest men are too busy to take on the job. Better still was the pointed query of Lord Henry Bentinck, "Is it notpossible to take Lord Northcliffe a little too seriously?" But there areother problems to which the House has been addressing itself with ajustifiable seriousness--and demobilisation, the shortage of food and coal, and the question how at the same time we are to provide for the outlay ofcoals of fire and feed the Huns and not the guns. 

And how has England taken the news? In the main soberly and in a spirit ofinfinite thankfulness, though in too many thousands of homes the loss ofour splendid, noble and gallant sons--alas! so often only sons--who madevictory possible by the gift of their lives, has made rejoicing impossiblefor those who are left to mourn them. Yet there is consolation in theknowledge that if they had lived to extreme old age they could never havemade a nobler thing of their lives. Shakespeare, who "has always been therebefore, " wrote the epitaph of those who fell in France when he spoke of onewho gave

 His body to that pleasant country's earth, And his pure soul unto his captain, Christ, Under whose colours he had fought so long. 

[Illustration: ARMISTICE DAY

SMALL CHILD (excitedly): "Oh, Mother, what _do_ you think? They'vegiven us a whole holiday to-day in aid of the war. "]

And it is a source of unspeakable joy that our children are safe. Forthough to most of them their ignorance has been bliss, they have notescaped the horrors of a war in which non-combatants have suffered worsethan ever before. Only the healing hand of time can allay the grief ofthose for whom there can be no reunion on earth with their nearest anddearest:

 At last the dawn creeps in with golden fingers Seeking my eyes, to bid them open wide Upon a world at peace, where Sweetness lingers, Where Terror is at rest and Hate has died. 

 Loud soon shall sound a paean of thanksgiving From happy women, welcoming their men, Life born anew of joy to see them living. Mother of Pity, what shall I do then?

Of the people at large Mr. Punch cannot better the praise of one, the lateMr. Henry James, who was nothing if not critical, and who proved his loveof England by adopting her citizenship in the darkest hour of her need:"They were about as good, above all, when it came to the stress, as couldwell be expected of people. They didn't know how good they were, " and ifthey lacked imagination they stimulated it immensely in others. 

Apart from some effervescence in the great cities, Armistice Day wascelebrated without exultation or extravagance. In one village that we knowof the church bells were rung by women. In London our deliverance was tomany people marked in the most dramatic way by the breaking of his longsilence by Big Ben:

 Gone are the days when sleep alone could break War's grim and tyrannous spells; Now it is rest and joy to lie awake And listen to the bells. 

So the Great War ended. But there yet remained the most dramatic episode ofall--the surrender of the German Fleet to Admiral Beatty at Scapa Flow--asurrender unprecedented in naval history, a great victory won withoutstriking a blow, which yet brought no joy to our Grand Fleet. For ouradmirals and captains and bluejackets felt that the Germans had smirchedthe glory of the fighting men of the sea, hitherto maintained inuntarnished splendour by all vanquished captains from the days of Carthageto those of Cervera and Cradock. 

[Illustration: IN HONOUR OF THE BRITISH NAVY

To commemorate the surrender of the German Fleet]

EPILOGUE

It remains to trace in brief retrospect the record of "the monthsbetween"--a period of test and trial almost as severe as that of the War. 

Having steadfastly declined the solution of a Peace without Victory, theAllies entered last November on the transitional period of Victory withoutPeace. The fighting was ended in the main theatres of war, the Kaiser andCrown Prince, discrowned and discredited, had sought refuge in exile, thegreat German War machine had been smashed, and demobilisation began at arate which led to inevitable congestion and disappointment. The prosaicvillage blacksmith was not far out when, in reply to the vicar's pious hopethat the time had come to beat our sword into a ploughshare, he observed, "Well, I don't know, sir. Speaking as a blacksmith of forty-five years'experience, I may tell you it can't be done. " "The whole position isprovisional, " said the _Times_ at the end of November. If Germany, Austria, and Russia were to be fed, how was it to be done withoutdisregarding the prior claims of Serbia and Roumania? Even at home the foodquestion still continued to agitate the public mind. 

The General Election of December, 1918, which followed the dissolution ofthe longest Parliament since the days of Charles II. , was a striking, iftemporary proof, of the persistence of the rationing principle. It proved atriumph for the Coalition "Coupon" and for Mr. Lloyd George; the extremistsand Pacificists were snowed under; Mr. Asquith was rejected and hisfollowers reduced to a mere handful; Labour came back with an increasedrepresentation, though not as great as it desired or deserved. The triumphof the irreconcilables in Ireland was a foregone but sinister conclusion totheir activities in the War, and an ominous prelude to their subsequentefforts to wreck the Pence. The pledges in regard to indemnities, thetreatment of the Kaiser, and conscription so lavishly given by theCoalition Leaders caused no little misgiving at the time, and pledges, likecurses, have an awkward way of coming home to roost. Mr. Punch's views onthe Kaiser, expressed in his Christmas Epilogue, are worth recalling. Mr. Punch did not clamour for the death penalty, or wish to hand him over tothe tender mercies of German Kultur. "The only fault he committed in Germaneyes is that he lost the War, and I wouldn't have him punished for thewrong offence--for something, indeed, which was our doing as much as his. No, I think I would just put him out of the way of doing further harm, insome distant penitentiary like the Devil's Island, and leave him to himselfto think it all over; as _Caponsacchi_ said of _Guido_ in 'TheRing and the Book':

 Not to die so much as slide out of life, Pushed by the general horror and common hate Low, lower--left o' the very edge of things. "

[Illustration:

"Don't you think we ought to hang the Kaiser, Mrs. 'Arris?"

"It ain't the Kaiser I'm worrying about--it's the bloke what interjuicedhis war-bacon. "]

[Illustration: REUNITED

Strasbourg, December 8th, 1918. ]

Christmas, 1918, was more than "the Children's Truce. " Our bugles had "sungtruce, " the war cloud had lifted, the invaded sky was once more free of"the grim geometry of Mars, " and though very few households could celebratethe greatest of anniversaries with unbroken ranks, the mercy of reunion wasgranted to many homes. Yet Mr. Punch, in his Christmas musings on thesolemn memory of the dead who gave us this hour, could not but realise thegreatness of the task that lay before us if we were to make our countryworthy of the men who fought and died for her. The War was over, butanother had yet to be waged against poverty and sordid environment; againstthe disabilities of birth; against the abuse of wealth; against the mutualsuspicions of Capital and Labour; against sloth, indifference, self-complacency, and short memories. 

So the Old Year passed, the last of a terrible _quinquennium, _bringing grounds for thankfulness and hope along with the promise of unrestand upheaval: with Alsace-Lorraine reunited to France, with the Britisharmy holding its Watch on the Rhine, and with all eyes fixed on Paris, thescene of the Peace Conference, already invaded by an international army ofdelegates, experts, advisers, secretaries, typists, 500 Americanjournalists, and President Wilson. 

Great Expectations and their Tardy Fulfilment, thus in headline fashionmight one summarise the story of 1919, with Peace, the world's desire, waiting for months outside the door of the Conference Chamber, with civilwar in Germany, Berlin bombed by German airmen, and anarchy in Russia, andhere at home impatience and discomfort, aggravated in the earlier months bystrikes and influenza, the largely increased numbers of unemployedpoliticians, the weariest and dreariest of winter weather. 

[Illustration: RECONSTRUCTION: A NEW YEAR'S TASK]

Yet even January had its alleviations in the return of the banana, theprospect of unlimited lard, a distinct improvement in the manners of theretail tradesman, the typographical fireworks of the _Times_ in honourof President Wilson, and the retreat of Lord Northcliffe to the sunnysouth. Lovers of sensation were conciliated by the appointment of "F. E. " tothe Lord Chancellorship, the outbreak of Jazz, and the discovery of aFrench author that the plays usually attributed to Shakespeare were writtenby Lord Derby, though not apparently the present holder of the title. Theloss, through rejection or withdrawal, of so many of his old Parliamentarypuppets was a serious blow to Mr. Punch, but the old Liberals, buried likethe Babes in the Wood beneath a shower of Coalition coupons, already showeda sanguine spirit, and the departure of the freaks could be contemplatedwith resignation. The great Exodus to Paris began in December, but itreached its height in January. The mystery of the Foreign Office officialwho had _not_ gone was cleared up by the discovery that he was thecaretaker, a pivotal man who could not be demobilised. Another exodus of aless desirable sort was that of the Sinn Fein prisoners, which gave rise tothe rumour that the Lord Lieutenant had threatened that if they destroyedany more jails they would be rigorously released. Sinn Fein, which refusedto fight Germany, had already begun to play at a new sort of war. Australiawas preparing to welcome the homing transports sped with messages ofGodspeed from the Motherland:

 Rich reward your hearts shall hold, None less dear if long delayed, For with gifts of wattle-gold Shall your country's debt be paid; From her sunlight's golden store She shall heal your hurts of war. 

 Ere the mantling Channel's mist Dim your distant decks and spars, And your flag that victory kissed And Valhalla hung with stars-- Crowd and watch our signal fly: "Gallant hearts, good-bye! _Good-bye!"_

[Illustration:

THE 1919 MODEL

MR. PUNCH: "They've given you a fine new machine, Mr. Premier, and you'vegot plenty of spirit, but look out for bumps. "]

February, a month of comparative anti-climax, witnessed the reassembling ofParliament, fuller than ever of members if not of wisdom. As none of theSinn Feiners were present, nor indeed any representative of IrishNationalism, the proceedings were as orderly as a Quaker's funeral, savefor the arrival of one member on a motor-scooter. Perhaps the mostinteresting information elicited during the debates was this--that everyquestion put down costs the tax-payer a guinea. On February 20th there were282 on the Order Paper, and Mr. Punch was moved to wonder whether thiscascade of curiosity might be abated if every questionist were obliged tocontribute half the cost, the amount to be deducted from his officialsalary. The Speaker, the greatest of living Parliamentarians, wasre-elected by acclamation. Though human and humorous, he has grown intosomething almost more like an institution than a man, like Big Ben, thatgreat patriot and public servant who never struck during the war. The bestnews in February was that of M. Clemenceau's escape, though wounded, fromthe Anarchist assassin who had attempted to translate Trotsky's threat intoaction. But it did not help on the proposed Conference with the Russians atPrinkipo or encourage the prospect of any tangible results from thedeliberation of the Prinkipotentiaries. The plain man could see no thirdchoice beyond supporting Bolshevism or anti-Bolshevism. But according toour Prime Minister, we were committed to a compromise. The Allies were notprepared to intervene in force, and they could not leave Russia to stew inher own hell-broth. Meanwhile the chief criminal, Germany, had begun toutter _ad misericordiam_ appeals for the relaxation of the Armisticeterms on the score of their cruelty; and Count Brockdorff-Rantzau gave us aforetaste of his quality by declaring that "Germany cannot be treated as asecond-rate nation. "

[Illustration: "How was it you never let your mother know you'd won theV. C. ?"

"It wasna ma turrn tae write. "]

[Illustration: ENGLAND EXPECTS

(With Mr. Punch's best hopes for the success of the National IndustrialConference. )

BOTH LIONS (together): "Unaccustomed as I am to lie down with anything buta lamb, still, for the sake of the public good . .. "]

At home, though the rays of "sweet unrationed revelry" were still to come, and _Dulce Domum_ could not yet be sung in every sense, Februarybrought us some relief in the demobilisation of the pivotal pig. And thedecision to hold a National Industrial Conference was of encouraging auguryfor the settlement of industrial strife on the basis of a full inquiry andfrank statement of facts. In other walks of life reticence still has itscharms, and even in February people had begun to ask who the General waswho had threatened not to write a book about the War. 

March, the mad month, remained true to type. Even Mr. Punch found it hardto preserve his equanimity:

 O Month, before your final moon is set Much may have happened--anything, in fact; More than in any March that I have met, (Last year excepted) fearful nerves are racked; Anarchy does with Russia what it likes; Paris is put conundrums very knotty; And here in England, with its talk of strikes, Men, like your own March hares, seem going dotty. 

Abroad the ex-Kaiser was very busy sawing trees, possibly owing to anhallucination that they were German Generals. 

[Illustration:

THE EASTER OFFERING

MR. LLOYD GEORGE (fresh from Paris): "I don't say it's a perfect egg, butparts of it, as the saying is, are excellent. "]

At home the Government decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisonersas had not already saved them the trouble, and a Coal Industry Commissionwas appointed on which no representative of the general public was invitedto sit--that is to say, the patient, much enduring consumer, not the publicwhich has all along sought to discount peace by premature whooping, jubilating, and Jazzing. For the Dove of Peace, though in strict training, seemed in danger of collapsing under the weight of the League of Nations'olive bough, to say nothing of other perils, notably the Bolshy-bird, amost obscene brand of vulture. 

Mr. Wilson was once more on the Atlantic, and Mr. Lloyd George, distractedbetween his duties in Paris and the demands of Labour, recalled Sir BoyleRoche's bird, or the circus performer riding two horses at once. InParliament the interpretation of election pledges occupied a good deal oftime, and Mr. Bonar Law twice declared the policy of the Government inregard to indemnities as being to demand the largest amount that Germanycould pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't pay. It would havesaved him a great deal of trouble if at the General Election the Governmentspokesmen had insisted as much upon the second half of the policy as theydid on the first. Earnest appeals for economy were made from the TreasuryBench on the occasion of the debate on the Civil Service Estimates, nowswollen to five times their pre-war magnitude, and were heartily applaudedby the House. To show how thoroughly they had gone home, Mr. Adamson, theLabour Leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries ofMembers of Parliament. 

[Illustration:

OVERWEIGHTED

PRESIDENT WILSON: "Here's your olive branch. Now get busy. "

DOVE OF PEACE: "Of course, I want to please everybody, but isn't this a bitthick?"]

[Illustration: HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION

MOTHER (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts): "Don't you know whatto do with yourself, George? Why don't you 'ave a walk down the road, dear?"

FATHER: "Ah, 'e ain't seen the corner where they pulled down Simmondses'fish-shop, 'as 'e. Ma?"]

On the Rhine the efforts of our army of occupation to present the stern andforbidding air supposed to mark our dealings with the inhabitants wereproving a lamentable failure. You can't produce a really good imitation ofa Hun without lots of practice. Gloating is entirely foreign to the natureof Thomas Atkins, and he could not pass a child yelling in the gutterwithout stooping to comfort it. At home his education was proceeding ondifferent lines. The period of reaction had set in, and unwonted exertionswere necessary to stimulate his interest. Such artless devices were, however, preferable to the pastime, already fashionable in more exaltedcircles, of kicking a total stranger round the room to the accompaniment ofcymbals, a motor siren, and a frying pan. 

After a month of madness it was not to be wondered at that we should have amonth of muzzling, though the enforcement of the order might have beenprofitably extended from dogs to journalists. The secrecy maintained by theBig Four--a phrase invented by America--the conflict of the idealists withthe realists, and the temporary break-away of the Italian wrestler, Orlando, were bound to excite comment. But a shattered world could not berebuilt in a day, with Bolshevist wolves prowling about the Temple ofPeace, and the Dove at sea between the Ark and Archangel. The Covenant ofthe League of Nations, though in a diluted form, had at last taken shape, the Peace Machine had got a move on, and the Premier's spirited, if notvery dignified, retaliation on the newspaper snipers led to an abatement ofunnecessary hostilities, though the pastime of shooting policemen withcomparative impunity still flourished in Ireland, and the numbers and costof our "army of inoccupation" still continued to increase. Innumerablequeries were made in Parliament on the subject of the unemployment dole, but the announcement that the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate thetitle "Grand Fleet" for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy passedwithout comment. The Grand Fleet is now a part of the History that it didso much to make. 

May and June were "hectic" months, in which the reaction from the fatiguesand restraints of War found vent in an increased disinclination for work, encouraged by a tropical sun. These were the months of the resumption ofcricket, the Victory Derby, the flood of honours, and the flying of theAtlantic, with a greater display of popular enthusiasm over the gallantairmen who failed in that feat than over the generals who had won the War. They were also the months of the duel between Mr. Smillie and the Dukes, the discovery of oil in Derbyshire, the privileged excursion into Warpolemics of Lord French, unrest in Egypt, renewed trouble with the police, and a shortage of beer, boots and clothes. 

[Illustration: "END OF A PERFECT 'TAG'"]

But though the Big Four had been temporarily reduced to a Big Three byItaly's withdrawal, and though M. Clemenceau, Mr. Lloyd George, andPresident Wilson had all suffered in prestige by the slow progress of thenegotiations, Versailles, with the advent of the German delegates, morethan ever riveted the gaze of an expectant world. To sign or not to sign, or, in the words of Wilhelm Shakespeare, _Sein oder nicht sein: hier istdie Frage_--that was the problem which from the moment of his famousopening speech Count Brockdorff-Rantzau was up against. But, as the dayswore on, in spite of official impenitence and the double breach of theArmistice terms by the scuttling of the German war-ships at Scapa and theburning of the French flags at Berlin, the force of "fierce reluctanttruculent delay" was spent against the steadily growing volume of nationalacquiescence, culminating in the decision of the Weimar Assembly, the tardychoice of new delegates, and the final scene in the Hall of Mirrors, haunted by the ghosts of 1871. 

Writing at the moment of the Signature of Peace and in deep thankfulnessfor the relief it brings to a stricken world, Mr. Punch is too old to jazzfor joy, but he is young enough to face the future with a reasonedoptimism, born of a belief in his race and their heroic achievements inthese great and terrible years. Victory took us by surprise; and we wereless prepared for Peace at that moment than we had ever been for War. Andjust as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running after thecry "Business as usual, " so to-day we are making as bad a mistake when werun after "Pleasure as usual"--or rather more than usual. But we soonrevised that early error, and we shall not waste much time about revisingthis. For though we lacked imagination then, and still lack it, we have thegift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, of commonsense. And whencommonsense is found in natures that are honest and hearts that are clean, it may make mistakes, but not for long. No, the spirit which won the War isnot going to fail us at this second call. Perhaps we have only been waitingfor the actual coming of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task. 

But let us never forget the debt, unpaid and unpayable, to our immortaldead and to the valiant survivors of the great conflict, to whom we owefreedom and security and the possibility of a better and cleaner world. 

[Illustration: GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES]

INDEX

 "According to plan, " Admirals, retired, accept commissions in R. N. R. Admiralty and Zeebrugge despatches Africa, German South-West, Botha makes clean sweep in After one Year Airmen, Allied Bombard Karlsruhe German, increased activity of Air Raids Daylight, extend to London Public to be warned Aisne, Battle of Alarming spread of bobbing Albert, King of Belgium Tribute to Victorious on Flanders coast Allenby, General Advances steadily Captures Damascus Enters Jerusalem Allied Council, new, formed Allotment workers Alsace-Lorraine reunited to France Also Ran America Enters War War of Notes American, an, interviews German Crown Prince American Troops Enter firing line First land in France Ammunition expended round Neuve Chapelle Amundsen, Roald, prepares for trip to North Pole Ancre, British push extends to Anglia, East, air-raids in Antwerp, Fall of Anzac, British heroism at Armenia, martyrdom of Armentières, Germans break through at Armistice Big Ben breaks silence How England took news of Signed Women ring church bells Armistice Day Army Signalling Alphabet Asquith, Mr. Ceases to be Prime Minister Discusses new Votes of Credit Goes to Ireland Promises to purge Peerage of Enemy Dukes Recants hostility to Women's suffrage Rejected at General Election Athens, riot in "Au Revoir!" Australians, valour of Austria Defeated by Serbia Defeated on Italian front Gives in Issues Peace Note Sues for Peace Threatens Roumania Austrians driven from Belgrade

 Bad Dream, A Baghdad, taken by British Balfour, Mr. Appointed First Lord Returns from U. S. A. Balkans, irrelevant news from Banana, return of the Bapaume Germans take Recaptured by Allies Beatty, Admiral, German Fleet surrenders to Belgium Opposes German invasion Resurrection of Belgrade occupied by enemy Bennett, Mr. Arnold, appointed Director of Propaganda Berlin Bombed French flags burnt at Revolution breaks out Strikes in, suppressed Bernstorff, Count Mendacity of Promotes strikes in U. S. A. Best Smell of All, the Bethmann-Hollweg dismissed, Betrayed, Big Four's secrecy, Big Push, The, Billing, Mr. Pemberton Elected for Mid-Herts, Offers to raid enemy aircraft bases. Suspended from House of Commons, Birdwood, General, Birrell, Mr. , apologia of, Bismarck, Prince, Bissing, Baron von, Reported dead, Retires from Belgium, Bloaters, unprecedented price of, _Blücher_, the, sunk by British, Blume, General von, depreciates American intervention, Boat-race, Oxford and Cambridge, suspended, Bobbing, Alarming spread of, Bordeaux, Paris Government removed to, Botha, General Enters War, Makes clean sweep in S. W. Africa, Bottomley, Mr. Horatio, visits France, Bravo, Belgium, Brazil enters War, Bread, curtailment of, Brest-Litovsk Conference, Taken by enemy, Treaty signed, British Expeditionary Force Lands in France, Brockdorff-Rantzau, Count, Bruges reoccupied by Allies, Brusiloff, General Opens new Russian offensive, Successful against Austrians, Brussels Fall of, Murder of Edith Cavell at, Buckmaster, Lord, appointed Lord Chancellor, Bukarest, fall of, Bulgaria surrenders, Bulgarians smashed by Allies, Bull-dog Breed, the, Bungalows, Government, increase of, Burns, Mr. John, re-emerges, Byng, General, Victory at Cambrai, Byron, Lord, and Greece, By special request, Cabinet pool salaries, Cadet battalions housed in colleges, Caligny, Americans at, Callousness of smart people, Cambrai Byng's victory at, Recaptured by Allies, Cambridge, Cadet battalions at, Camouflage, new art of, Caporetto, enemy break through at, "Captain of Koepenick" reported dead, Carson, Sir Edward Pays tribute to Major Redmond, Resigns Office, Casement, Sir Roger, and German Kaiser, Castlenau, General, Casualties, British, Cavell, Edith Murder of, Names of her principal assassins, Cecil, Lord Robert, appointed Minister of Blockade, Celestial Dud, the, Censorship and War Correspondents, Challenge, the, Chamberlain, Mr. Austen, resigns office, Champagne, French offensive at, Chemin des Dames, Germans capture, Children of Consolation, Children's Peace, China, food prices in, Christmas Musings, Punch's, Truce and fraternisation, Church bells requisitioned, Churchill, Mr. Winston Appointed Minister of Munitions, Dardanelles expedition, Paints landscapes, Rejoins his regiment, Resigns Duchy of Lancaster, Retires to Duchy of Lancaster, Civilian, the, and the War Office, Civil Service Estimates, Clemenceau, M. Attempted assassination of, Tribute to, Clyde, labour troubles on the, Coal Commission appointed, Coalition Government Formed, Leaders' pledges, Coalitionists triumph at General Election, Coat that didn't come off, the, Cologne, Archbishop of, and the Kaiser, Combles taken by Allies, Coming Army, the, Commission To inquire into Dardanelles expedition, To inquire into Mesopotamian expedition, "Complete accord, " Compulsory rationing a fact, Comrades in Victory, Conscientious Objectors in Non-combatant Corps, Constables, special, guard King's highway, Constantine, King of Greece Abdicates, Contemplates abdication, Forms Cabinet of Professors, Mr. Asquith's appeal to, To receive £20, 000 a year, Treated tenderly, Contemptibles, the old, Corn Production Bill, Coronel avenged, Correspondents, Mr. Punch's, Cradock, Admiral, Crank, Whip's definition of a, Craonne taken by French, "Credibility index, " Crown Prince, German American interviews, Common brigand, a, Has misgivings, In exile, Cuba declares war on Austria, Cuffley, Zeppelin brought down at, _Daily Mail_, candour of, _Daily News_ and _Punch_, _Daily Telegraph_, Lord Lansdowne's letter to, Damascus captured by Allies, Dance of Death, the, Danube, Serbians reach the, Dardanelles Commission, Dawn of Doubt, the, Daylight Saving, Bill passed, Death Lord, the, Debeney, General, Praises Americans, Defence of the Realm Act, (De)merit, the reward of, Demobilisation commences, Derby, Lord Director of Recruiting, Minister of War, Dernburg, Dr. , his picture of German innocents, _Deutschland_, German submarine, exploits of, Devonport, Lord Appointed Food Controller, Approves new dietary for prisoners, Retires as Food Controller, Diary-- 1914, August, September, October, November, December, 1915, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1916, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1917, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1918, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, Die Nacht am Rhein, Dogger Bank, German reverse off, Domestic servant's philosophy, Dominions, loyalty of, Douai regained by Allies, Drake's Way, Drocourt-Quéant switchline breached by Allies, Dud, the, Duke, Mr. , retires from Irish Chief Secretaryship, Dumba, Dr. , promotes strikes in U. S. A. , Dunraven, Lord, excuses Irishmen, Dynastic Amenities, Easter offering, the, Economy, appeals for, Editor of the _Vorwärts_ arrested, Education Bill Second reading of, Lord Haldane lectures on, Ekaterinburg, Ex-Tsar and family murdered at, _Emden_ sunk by the _Sydney_, Emmas, the two, Empire, indispensable in winning War, End of a perfect "Tag, " England Tribute to, by _New York Life_, War could not have been won without, Enver Pasha goes to Medina, Epilogue, Erzerum falls to Russians, Euphemists, Excursionist, the, Exile, the Irish, "F. E. " appointed Lord Chancellor, _Falaba_, the, sunk by German submarine, Falkland Islands, Battle of, Farmer and Farm Labourer, Far-reaching effect of the Russian Push, the, Ferdinand, King of Bulgaria Abdicates, Declares war on Serbia, Goes to Vienna, Inscrutability of, Fidgety Wilhelm, the story of, Fifth British Army, Germans break through, Final, the, Fisher, Lord, will not give explanations, Fisher, Mr. , eulogised, Flag days, Flanders coast evacuated by Germans, Fleet, German, surrenders, Flight that failed, Flying of the Atlantic, Foch, General Appointed Generalissimo of Allied Forces, Arranges Armistice, Made a G. C. B. , Receives German envoys, Tribute to, Food at the Front, Control, public for, Production, urgency for increased, Question discussed in Parliament, Question in Germany, Restriction, Stocks increasing, Ford, Mr. Henry Offers his works to American authorities, Visits Europe, For Neutrals--For Natives, Fort Douaumont falls, Fourth of July celebrated in France, France, destruction and desolation of, France's Day, Franchet d'Esperey, General, Francis Joseph, Emperor, dies, French, General Appointed Viceroy of Ireland, His "contemptible little army, " Relinquishes his command, Responsible for Home Defence against enemy aircraft, Fryatt, Captain, murder of, Funchal, U-boats busy at, Gaiety at military hospitals, Gallipoli, Allies land in, Casualties in, Complete evacuation of, Discomforts of, Garibaldi still an animating force in Italy, Gaul to the New Caesar, Gaza taken by British, Geddes, Sir Eric Defends Admiralty, First Lord, General Election, General Janvier, Geography taught by War, George V. Of England Abolishes German titles held by family, His House to be known as Windsor, Sets a fine example, Visits Front, George, Mr. Lloyd Appointed Minister of Munitions, Defines British policy, Deputed to confer with Irish leaders, Expounds plan for Irish Convention, Prime Minister, Secretary for War, Suffers in prestige, Triumph of, Warns peacemongers, Gerard, Mr. , Reminiscences of, German "Frightfulness, " General Staff and set-backs, Substitutes, Germany Campaign of Falsehood in, Civil War in, Fleet surrenders, "German Truth Society" founded, Great mistake of, Hints to Italy, Ill-treats prisoners, Indulges in reprisals, Jealous of _Lusitania_ records, Laments over Allied blockade, Lunatics called up for service, Mutiny at Kiel, New Peace offensive, Old, contrasted, Peace overtures, Signs armistice, Signs peace, Sinks two hospital ships, Sprays British soldiers with flaming petrol, Squirts boiling pitch over Russians, Torpedoes Neutral merchant ships, Warns _Punch_, Ghosts at Versailles, God (and the Women) our shield, _Goeben_, disaster to the, _Good Hope_, H. M. S. , sunk, Gothas, activities of, Gouraud, General, Governesses, English, revelations of, Grandcourt, taken by British, Grand Fleet, ceaseless vigil of, Title, passes. Grapes of Verdun, the, Great incentive, a, Greece Dominated by pro-German Court, Hampers Allies, Territory violated by Bulgarian troops, Ultimatum presented to, Greenwich time applied to Ireland, Grey, Sir Edward Dissatisfied with Neutrals, Statements _re_ France and Belgium, Grimsby fishermen's fight, Guy Fawkes Day, no fireworks on, Gwynn, Capt. , undertakes to raise Irish brigade, Haig, Sir Douglas Commander-in-Chief of British Armies in France, Issues a Dispatch, Issues historic order, Haldane, Lord Debt to, for Territorials, Lectures on Education, Retires from Chancellorship, Hamlet, U. S. A. , _Hampshire_, the, mined, Handyman, A, Hardinge Report, Lords discuss the, Harvest, a successful, Haunted ship, Havre, Belgian Government removed to, Hay, Ian, book by, Healy, Mr. Tim, champions Government, Held! Heligoland Bight, Naval engagement in, Hertling, Erzberger's campaign against Chancellor, Hidden Hand, the, Hindenburg, Marshal von Assumes command of Austrian troops, Presented with house, Retreats on Western Front Hindenburgitis Hindenburg line breached His latest Home Front, the Derby, Lord, most prominent man on Drink, a dangerous enemy Education of those on Flower-beds sacrificed Khaki weddings London Police strike Pessimists, cure for Railway Travelling, discomforts of Trials of mistresses on Hooge, British success at Horne, General Hotels commandeered House of Commons Attends church Characteristics of How to brighten the period of reaction Hunding line Hun to Hun Hyde Park used for training troops

 India, "lonely soldiers" in Indian troops Infectious hornpipe, the Influenza, Spanish In honour of the British Navy In reserve Inseparable, the Invasion by sea, English Press fears Ireland Debate on, in Parliament Dominates proceedings in Parliament Exempted from Military Service Bill Greenwich time applied to Insurrection in West of Insurrectionist leaders executed Irreconcilables triumph at General Election Maxwell, Sir John, appointed to supreme command Nationalists attack Sir John Maxwell Placed under martial law Irish Convention Exile, the Harvest labourers Italy Bainsizza plateau saved Declares war on Austria Push on the Isonzo

 Jaffa, British in James, Mr. Henry Adopts British nationality Tribute to England by Jazz, outbreak of Jellicoe, Lord, retires from post of First Sea Lord Jericho captured by Allies Jerusalem captured by British Joffre, General, announces rolling back of enemy John, Mr. Augustus, paints Mr. Lloyd George's portrait Jones, Mr. Kennedy Declares beer a food Resignation of Journalists visit the Fleet Jutland, Battle of

 Kaiser, German Abdicates Absent from Francis Joseph's funeral Attila's understudy Blasphemer and Hypocrite Denies responsibility for War Disappointed with Allah Encourages war on non-combatants First War birthday Flees to Holland Foiled before Nancy Has another grandson Murderer of innocents Orders blockade of England Poses as friend of the people Pro-Socialist _Punch's_ views on Refrains from active participation in military operations Reprimands Prince Frederick Leopold of Prussia Sorry for France Speech to Eton College Volunteers Talks of his conscience Kaiser, Ex-, saws trees Karl, Emperor of Austria's suggestion _re_ Alsace-Lorraine Karlsruhe bombarded by Allied airmen Kerensky, appointed head of Russian Provisional Government Overthrown Keyes, Admiral, locks up German submarines Kiel, mutiny at Kipling, Mr. Kitchener, Lord Asks for more men Death of Eulogies of Gives frugal information to Lords Meets critics in Parliament Obtains 1, 000, 000 men Starts on the _Hampshire_ for Russia War Minister Kluck, General von, failure of _Kölnische Zeitung_ and _Punch_ Kühlmann, von, fall of Kultur, the reward of Kut captured by British

 Labour Demands of Real voice of Representation of Troubles Lansdowne, Lord, writes to _Daily Telegraph_ Laon, recaptured by Allies Last Throw, the Law, Mr. Bonar Announces air-raid reprisals Appointed Leader of the House Declares policy _re_ indemnities Introduces Budget Made Chancellor of the Exchequer Travels to France by aeroplane Will not discuss military situation, League of Nations takes shape _Leinster_, the, sunk by Germans Lenin Appearance of Attempted assassination of Installed as dictator Liberators, the Lichnowsky's disclosures Liége, Fall of Lies, German campaign of Lighting Orders, enforcement of Lille regained by Allies Lissauer, Herr, decorated by Kaiser London, daylight air-raids extend to Lonely soldiers Long, Mr. Walter, his remedy for carping criticism Loos, fighting at Lord Mayor's banquet simplified Lost chief, the Lost land, a Louvain, sack of Lovelace, the modern Ludendorff resigns _Lusitania_, the American victims Sinking of Luxuries, imports of, curtailed Lynch, Colonel, undertakes to raise Irish brigade

 MacCabean Boy Scouts MacNeill, Mr. Swift Endeavours to purge peerage of enemy dukes Resents setting up of War Cabinet Made in Germany Mangin, General Manifesto of German artists and professors Marine, Mercantile, tribute paid to by Parliament Marne German push to Germans again hurled back across Mary, Queen of England, tribute to Massacres by Bolshevists Maude, General Captures Kut Death of Maunoury, General Maurice affair, the Max, Burgomaster of Brussels Max, Prince German Chancellor Issues pacific manifesto McKenna, Mr. Chancellor of Exchequer Introduces Bill for raising War Loan Meatless days Men of forty-one wanted Merchant ships Dutch, sunk by German submarine Neutral, torpedoed by German submarines Mesopotamia, tide turning in Messines Ridge captured Michaelis, Dr. Appointed German Chancellor Dismissed Military Service Bill Becomes law Ireland exempted from Milner, Lord on misleading war news Minesweepers honour due to Ministry of Munitions created Missing Mistresses trials of Monastir Fall of Recaptured by Serbians and French _Monmouth_, H. M. S. Sunk Mons British reach Retreat from Monte Sabotino captured by Italians Moon our enemy Morning Hate Prussian household having its Mort Homme carnage at Mottoes and proverbs Mule humour Müller, Captain a chivalrous antagonist Munitions smart people work at Museum, British war spirit at Museums, London closed Mutiny of sailors at Kiel Muzzling Order

 Namur Fall of Narrows, the, failure to get through National Industrial Conference National Party, the new National Registration Bill second Reading of National Thrift Campaign Navy its efficient work Need of men, the Neuve Chapelle captured by British New Armies Composition of Education of Training of New Conductor, the New Guinea taken by Allies New language, the Newmarket racing stopped at Newspaper readers "credibility index" for Nicholas, Emperor of Russia Abdicates Generalissimo of his armies Nineteen-nineteen Model, the Northcliffe, Lord and his correspondence visits U. S. A. North Sea U-boats active in Novo-Georgievsk taken by enemy Noyon recaptured by Allies

 Officer, wounded experiences of Officers, young splendid record of Oil discovered in Derbyshire Old Man of the Sea Old-timer, the Omen of 1908 On Earth--Peace One up! On the Black List Opera by English composer produced Optimist, the Order of British Empire Orlando, Italian Statesman Ostend Naval exploit at Regained by Allies O. T. C. And the Universities Our Man Our persevering officials "Ourselves Alone" motto of Sinn Fein Overweighted Oxford cadet battalions at

 Pacifists Dilemma of Impressed by Germany's lamentations Paris Exodus to Peace Conference at Shelled by long-distance gun Parliament Assembles Dissolution of Extension of life of Houses of, Stars and Stripes and Union Jack fly over Passchendaele Ridge stormed by British Peace Signed The children's Penny Postage gone Perfect Innocence Péronne British enter Fall of Recovered by Allies Persuading of Tino, the Pétain hero of Verdun Piave Italians cross the Picture galleries, London, closed Pill-boxes, German, made of British cement, Pitiful pose, a, Place in the moon, a, Place of Arms, a, Plain duty, a, Plumer, General Stands firm on the Piave, Victorious in Flanders, Poison gas, Germans use, Police, London, strike, Political truce, Politician who addressed the troops, the, _Pommern_, the, sunk by British, Portugal enters War, Posters And Publicity, And War Loans, Newspaper, absence of, Press Bureau, Campaign against Mr. Asquith, German, humours of, Prince of Wales Relief Fund, Takes his seat, Prinkipo, proposed conference at, Prisoner, British, sentenced for calling Germans "Huns, " Prisoners German, arrive in Ireland, German offer _re_, Propaganda, German, in United States, Prophecy An old Arab, _Punch's, re_ Kaiser, Proportional Representation rejected, _Punch's_ Cartoons and the _Kölnische Zeitung, _ Correspondents, _Queen Elizabeth_, H. M. S. , attacks in Dardanelles, Queries, futile, to wounded soldiers, Queues Disappear, For various commodities, "Queue War, "

 Rabbit, the elusive, Raids by sea, Rasputin, sinister figure of. Rationing, compulsory, Rawlinson, General, Realisation, Reconstruction, Recruit who took to it kindly, Recruiting, posters to aid, Redmond, Major William Falls in Flanders, Makes thrilling speech, Tribute to, in Commons, Redmond, Mr. John, death of, Reichstag not blind to facts, Rejuvenating effect of Zeppelins, Reprisals on German cities advocated, Repudiation, the, Return of the Mock Turtle-Dove, Reunited, Reventlow, Count, and the Kaiser, Reward of Kultur, the, Rheims Cathedral bombarded, Rhine, British Army's watch on the, Rhondda, Lord Appointed Food Controller, Death of, Richter, Dr. Hans, clamours for British extinction, Riga, Gulf of, German defeat in, Riga occupied by Germans, Rivers, French, find their voices, Roberts, Mr. , Minister of Labour, Roberts, Lord Death of, Germans pay tribute to, His reticence, Robertson, Sir William Accepts Eastern Command at home, Appointed Chief of Staff, Displaced, Robinson, Lieutenant, brings down Zeppelin, Roosevelt, Mr. , invents new invective, Roumania joins Allies, Royal Family, British, fine example of, Royal Flying Corps, Great losses of, Running amok, Rupprecht, Crown Prince, entertains journalists, Russia Army retreats, Bolshevist _coup d'état. _ Bolshevist régime stained with massacres, Collapses, Dark hour of, Débacle in, End of Tsardom Ex-Tsar and family shot, Russia (_contd_. ) Provisional Government dissolved Recovering herself Republic proclaimed Russian Army said to have passed through England

 Saint-Quentin recaptured by Allies St. James's Park, lake in, drained St. Mihiel salient flattened out by Americans Salonika Allies land at Front Triumphant advance by Allies on Saluting abolished in Russian Army Sands run out, the San Gabriele, Italian success at Santa Klaus, _Punch_ welcomes Scapa Flow, German Fleet surrenders at Germans scuttle their warships at Scarborough bombarded Scott, Admiral Percy Expert adviser to Lord French Scrapper scrapped, the Secret Diplomacy Session Sedan, American Army reaches Serbia Austrians and Germans invade Liberation of Overrun Servant Domestic, problem Officer's description of Sevastopol, Germans reach Shaw, Mr. Bernard Colossal arch-super-egotist Visits Front Shirkers' War News Shortt, Mr. , appointed Chief Secretary for Ireland Siegfried line Sinn Fein Creed of Excesses Plays at war Smart people, callousness of Smith-Dorrien, General, at Le Cateau Smuts, General, commands in East Africa Soissons, Germans capture Soldier and civilian Soldiers, British Cannot imitate Hun Ordeal on Western Front Tribute to Solid, xiv Some bird Somme Battle of the, commences Guns heard in England Results of Battle of the "Song of Plenty" South-West Africa German, gives in to Allies Germans poison wells in Spanish influenza Speaker of House of Commons re-elected Spee, Admiral von, goes down with his squadron Spies, German _Spurlos versenkt_ Spy-hunting in East Anglia Spy play, emergence of Storm driven Strain on the affections Strasbourg Strauss, Herr, does not sign German artists' manifesto Study of Prussian household having its Morning Hate Sturdee, Admiral Submarine frightfulness, the new, commences Submarines, British, in the Baltic Submarines, German Cornered Grimsby's fight against Locked up Torpedo British battleships Suffragists' cause triumphs Suits, standard Sumner, Lord, on Houses of Parliament Sunlight-loser, the Suvla Bay, British heroism at Sweden assists German Secret Service Sweepers of the sea Swooping from the West

 Tanks, coming of the Tannenberg, Russian repulse at Tares, the Sower of T. B. D. Territorials Doing great work in India Efficiency and keenness of Mobilised Teutons, panegyric of, in _Die Welt_ Thiepval taken by Allies Threatened Peace Offensive, Thrift campaign, Tirpitz, Grand Admiral, dismissed, Tisza, Count, admits defeat, To all at home, Tommy, British Needs no vocabulary, Philosophy of, To the Glory of France, Townshend, General Besieged in Kut, Heroism of his force, Tramcar humour, Tramps disappear from England, Transitional period, Trawlers, honour due to, Trenchard, General, retires from Air Staff, Trenches, sportsmanship of, Trench warfare commences, Trials of a camouflage officer, Trotsky released from internment, Tsing-tau, Japanese take, Tuber's repartee, the, Turkey Appeals to Berlin for funds, Defeated in Caucasus, Defeated on Suez Canal, Enters war, Granted armistice, Two Germanies, the, "Two heads with but a single thought, "

 U-boat interned at Cadiz, U-boats Appear off U. S. A. , Sir E. Geddes's diagram _re_, Ulstermen and Conscription, Unauthorised flirtation, an, Unconquerable, Unemployment dole, United States Accused of stealing cypher key, German propaganda in, Issues warning Note on neutral trading, No peace with Hohenzollerns, Unsinkable Tirp. , the, V. A. D. , tributes to, Venizelos, M. , resumes power, Verdun Germans closing in on, Struggle around, begins, Triumph of French at, Versailles Conference, Council, foresight of, Peace signed at, Very much up, Victory! Vienna, peace kite-flying at, Villager, English, and prospects of invasion, Vimy Ridge, Canadians capture, Volunteers, training of, Von Pot and von Kettle, Wales, South Miners' strike, Provides recruits, Wanted--a St. Patrick, War Anniversaries of, Cabinet, Mr. Henderson resigns from, Changes wrought by, Conference of the Empire called, Daily cost of, Loans, News, the shirkers', Pictures, Propaganda, need for a, at home, Teaching geography, Vocabulary, Ward, Colonel, defends Compulsory Service Bill, Warsaw, Russians lose, Waterloo Campaign and Great War, Wayside Calvary, the, Weddings, khaki, Well done, the New Army, Wemyss, Sir Rosslyn, on R. N. And mercantile marine, Whigs and Tories, strife between, revived, Whitby bombarded, Wilhelm I. 's message to wife, Wilhelmshaven indefinitely closed, William o' the Wisp, Wilson, General, appointed Chief of Imperial Staff, Wilson, President And the _Lusitania_, Declines to be rushed, Forbearance of, His Fourteen Points, Last Note to Germany, Launches a new phrase, Wittenberg, ill-treatment of prisoners at, Wolff, mendacity of, Woman Power Women Belgian, used as a screen Driving vans Gardeners Licensed as taxi-drivers Obtain the Vote Opportunities taken by _Punch_ delighted at their varied work Undertake men's work, War and poetry, Word of ill-omen, a, Wotan line, Breached, Wounded, return of, to England, YPRES Germans repulsed at, Germans stopped at, Second battle of, Third battle of, commences, ZEEBRUGGE, naval exploit at, Zeppelin, Count, swears to destroy London, Zeppelins French bag several, One brought down at Cuffley, Plague of, stayed, Raid encourages emulation,