MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY by FINLEY PETER DUNNE _Illustrated by_ F. OPPER. [Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS. ] _To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_ PREFACE The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequentreappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman wouldappreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of themodesty that has been described as "an invention for protection againstenvy, " because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors whodiscovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in thepresent collection of the sayings of this great and learned man haveappeared in the press of America and England. This will account for thefact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the mindsof newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. Tothese utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by thephilosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscentflavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges whenthey are off the bench. In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been takento correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improvethe text. In this connection the writer must offer his profoundgratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes growwhere only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress ofamateur elocutionists. F. P. D. CONTENTS A BOOK REVIEWAMERICANS ABROADSERVANT GIRL PROBLEMTHE TRANSVAALWAR AND WAR MAKERSUNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMYTHE WAR EXPERTMODERN EXPLOSIVESTHE BOER MISSIONTHE CHINESE SITUATIONMINISTER WUTHE FUTURE OF CHINAPLATFORM MAKINGTHE YACHT RACESPOLYGAMYPUBLIC FICKLENESSKENTUCKY POLITICSYOUNG ORATORYPUBLIC GRATITUDEMARRIAGE AND POLITICSALCOHOL AS FOODHIGH FINANCETHE PARIS EXPOSITIONCHRISTIAN JOURNALISMTHE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACYCUSTOMS OF KENTUCKYA SOCIETY SCANDALDOINGS OF ANARCHISTSANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTSVOICES FROM THE TOMBTHE NEGRO PROBLEMTHE AMERICAN STAGETROUBLES OF A CANDIDATEA BACHELOR'S LIFETHE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG"L'AIGLON"CASUAL OBSERVATIONS * * * * * A BOOK REVIEW "Well sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, thatsuits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye knowI'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good bookcomes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' thishere book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine. " "What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. "'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows. ' 'Tis 'Th' Darin'Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness. ' 'Tis 'Th' Account ivth' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills, ' as it fell fr'm th'lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twasthis way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up inth' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. Hedebated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jintresolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carryit on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story inhis own wurruds. "'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me, ' he says, 'th' command of arig'mint, ' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa whileperhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front, ' he says. 'Besides, ' hesays, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised beanother, ' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own, ' he says. 'Iselected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West, ' he says, 'men that hadthravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain, 'he says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost asgr-reat as anny that beset me path, ' he says. 'Together we had faced th'turrors iv th' large but vilent West, ' he says, 'an' these brave men hadseen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th'moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat, ' he says, 'th' silver man, an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts, ' he says. 'An' they niverflinched, ' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed, ' he says, 'an' ready to go annywhere I led, ' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n toCubia, ' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin'him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank an'courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv thattolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman, ' he says. 'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim, ' he says. " [Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car FareMagazine] "'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me totake command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days wasspint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent bodyguard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavilyinthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. Atthis time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence ivth' ar-rmy, ' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block housesturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' braveCastile that I aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I alwayscarry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th' United States lyingon its stomach. 'If ye won't fight, ' says I, 'let me go through, 'Isays. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt, ' says I. 'Oh, excuse me, ' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me thrue itwas Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud beimpossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion unless I wasfree, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmedon'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleetprairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' mostgallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gallmesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th'Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation knownamong military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an'I knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home. It passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-offCatalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative hadbeen kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its madflight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself inth' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. Thisended th' war. ' "'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reachth' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits ivth' manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope menwho claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish towear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me brokehavin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit ivPosterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope. '" "I have thried, Hinnissy, " Mr. Dooley continued, "to give you a fairidee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye ison'y what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have tor-read th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'rto tell ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, howhe fed himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilfwith a few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have totake a squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things. " "I won't do it, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it. " "Thrue f'r ye, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' if his valliant deeds didn't getinto this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter'shisthry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iverbe governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so an'relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone inCubia. '" AMERICANS ABROAD "I wondher, " said Mr. Dooley, "what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll thinkwhin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' poundsor twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' Britishgovernmint?" "Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I niver heerd ivhim. " "Ye wudden't, " said Mr. Dooley. "He don't thravel in ye'er set. WillumWaldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein'bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye wasbor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn withwan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' beme father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what itwas. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an'carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall liketh' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th'clothin' stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly whatth' black orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. Butwith Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent withWillum Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. He cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe itout. He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim ivtheir own makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud notefface th' stain. He thried to live down his crime without success an'he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go. No matther where he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wudfind out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' housewhere he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' hadhe anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin' manwith an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an'admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accintwas proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rnin th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets ivLondon he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretindsto be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as ifhe was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him. ' [Illustration] "So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'mdhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile highclark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold, ' he says, 'an onhappy man, ' hesays. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'hesays, 'me hear-rt is gray, ' he says. 'Poor sowl, ' says th' clark iv th'coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reatcrime?' he says. 'Partly, ' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly mean' partly me folks, ' he says. 'I was, ' he says, in a voice broken betears, 'I was, ' he says, 'bor-rn in New York, ' he says. Th' clark madeth' sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here, ' hesays. 'Poor afflicted wretch, ' he says, 'ye need a clargyman, ' he says. 'Why did ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because, ' says Willum WaldorfAsthor, 'I wish, ' he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life, ' he says. 'Iwish to be bor-rn anew, ' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helpshim out. An' Willum Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreignsovereigns, princes an' potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, orTwict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he comeout iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his eye, with a step jauntyand high, afther years iv servile freedom a bondman at last! "So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th'Queen like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out. " "I niver was, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure th' Queen iv England wasrenounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote. " "Well, niver mind, " Mr. Dooley continued, "he's a citizen iv England an'he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there exciptthim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th'editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an'th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th'printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'dlike to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovernfight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r hisown pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook orsomethin' gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, Hinnissy, an' he has slathers iv it. " "Where does he get it?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "F'rm this counthry, " said Mr. Dooley. "I shud think, " Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, "if he's ashamed iv thiscounthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it. " "That's where ye're wrong, " Mr. Dooley replied. "Take money annywhere yefind it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerlyhaughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin yecome down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin'his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank outiv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tiredla-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is likethryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' Clan-na-Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry minyit ivth' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads roll eachother as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade an' dhrinkme milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at thatgazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our simpledimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' eye. ' An'they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye hastily gulpdown yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him no kind ivgood, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tinto wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're sorry yemissed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a rough an'tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' a ructionin ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' wall. Noholds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may not knowwhere th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with twintyon top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' abase-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r 'tisgrowin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th'life!' "Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' Icall f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' manthat poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep. ' 'Get up, ' he says, 'an' bedoin', ' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest, ' he says, 'an' man wasmade to fight, ' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, 'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll goto a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can getsomething but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rasslewith th' man that bates me carpets, ayether, ' I says, 'f'r fifty cintsovercharge or good govermint, ' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogancalls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an'ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortablyan' die a markess! Th' divvle I do! "That's what I was goin' to say, " Mr. Hennessy remarked. 'Ye wudden'tlive annywhere but here. " "No, " said Mr. Dooley, "I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago thanth' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind. " SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much inmathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th'dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnymancan come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twillturn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' nation--th' question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall we dowith thim? "We haven't anny, " said Mr. Hennessy. "No, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th'rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th'same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' noPh'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how mannytimes does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But east iv th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues ivth' hour is: What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don'ttake hold iv it we ar-re a rooned people. " "'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head ivryfew years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein'marrid, thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tisdeeper thin that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants isinsolent, an' that they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks ivtheir employers, an' that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why annyservant shud rayfuse to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. Ye'd think that this disreputable class'd give annything to lave th'crowded tinimints iv a large city where they have frinds be th'hundherds an' know th' polisman on th' bate an' can go out to hatefuldances an' moonlight picnics--ye'd think these unforchnate slaves'd bedelighted to live in Mulligan's subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowersan' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' ivth' full-throated alarm clock is answered be an invisible choir ivsongsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye see th' sun rise over th' hills asye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. All day long ye meet no wan as yethrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in ye'er tile an' ye'er heart isenlivened be th' thought that th' childher in th' front iv th' house ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry air. Besides they'se alwayscookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire an' improve ye'er mind ber-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' pa-aper that th' cheesecome home in, an' whin ye're through with that, all ye have to do is toclimb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' skylight an' ye're inbed. " [Illustration] "But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided womenrayfuse f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustlean' roar iv th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon onthree corners an' th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' withpitchers iv th' s'ciety fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job atArmours to elope with th' well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' three B's, G, L, & N. , th' shy peek into th' dhry-goodsstore, an' other base luxuries, to a free an' healthy life in th'counthry between iliven P. M. An' four A. M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tisworse thin that, Hinnissy, f'r whin they ar-re in th' city they seem todislike their wurruk an' manny iv thim ar-re givin' up splindid jobswith good large families where they have no chanst to spind theirsalaries, if they dhraw thim, an' takin' places in shops, an' gettin'marrid an' adoptin' other devices that will give thim th' chanst f'r towear out their good clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. Riley th'conthractor dhropped in here th' other day in his horse an' buggy on hisway to the dhrainage canal an' he was all wurruked up over th' question. 'Why, ' he says, ''tis scand'lous th' way servants act, ' he says. 'Mrs. Riley has hystrics, ' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights whin I comehome, ' he says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a stove lidbefure I can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop, ' he says. 'We threatthim well too, ' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints an' acook book at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast, ' hesays. 'What naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all, 'he says, 'an', ' he says, 'I'll say this in shame, ' he says, 'that th'Irish ar-re th' worst, ' he says. 'Well, ' says I, 'ye need have noshame, ' I says, 'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servantsthat'll niver be masthers, ' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servantsbecause they ar-re too good, ' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good becausethey aint good enough. No matther how they start they get th' noodlehabit. I had wan, wanst, an' she got so she put noodles in me tay, ' Isays. 'Th' Swedes ar-re all right but they always get marrid th' sicondday. Ye'll have a polisman at th' dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist ivye'er cook if ye hire a Boheemyan, ' I says. 'Coons'd be all right butthey're liable f'r to hand ye ye'er food in ragtime, an' if ye ordherpork-chops f'r dinner an' th' hall is long, 'tis little ye'll have to eatwhin th' platter's set down, ' I says. 'No, ' says I, 'they'se nonaytionality now livin' in this counthry that're nathral bor-rnservants, ' I says. 'If ye want to save throuble, ' I says, 'ye'll importye'er help. They'se a race iv people livin' in Cinthral Africa that'd bejus' r-right. They niver sleep, tkey can carry twice their weight ontheir backs, they have no frinds, they wear no clothes, they can't read, they can't dance an' they don't dhrink. Th' fact is they're thoroughlyoneddycated. If ye cud tache thim to cook an' take care iv childherthey'd be th' best servants, ' says I. 'An' what d'ye call thim"?' sayshe. 'I f'rget, ' says I. An' he wint away mad. " "Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants, " said Mr. Hennessy. "He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know hiswife whin she wurruked f'r ----" "S-sh, " said Mr. Dooley. "They're beyond that now. Besides they speakfr'm experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder withour own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv abartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' moredifficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to annyman fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if Icome down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit mein th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn'tmanny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hopeCongress'll take it up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now oughtto be able to spare a little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims ivspeech f'r th' third reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' housea recreation while so softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv anoble race in th' kitchen that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day withth' aid iv a bottle iv smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind aworthy man to his office in slippers an' without a hat. " "Ah, " said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. "It wud be all r-right ifwomen'd do their own cookin'. " "Well, " said Mr. Dooley. "'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business. " THE TRANSVAAL "It looks like war, " said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at theflaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. "It always does, " said Mr. Dooley. "Since th' Czar iv Rooshiainthrajooced his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that theywudden't be ructious. " "An' what's it all about?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I can't make head nortail iv it at all, at all. " "Well ye see 'tis this way, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see th' Boers is asimple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to societyan' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' theirlooks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till theycudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an'thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go, ' says they, bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further. ' An' theykilled off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. An' at night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, isDutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swaphorses an' match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childerplayed marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. "Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellarfr'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' SanFrancisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on ingr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an'Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's theyneeded raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An', ' says Joe Chamberlain, hesays, 'Be hivins, they shall vote, ' he says. 'Is it, ' he says, 'possiblethat at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an Englishgintleman shud be denied, ' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrainannywhere in th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' hesays. 'Give thim th' franchise, ' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' hesays, 'f'r we have put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turnback, ' he says. [Illustration] "Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, thatlooks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, hesays, 'All r-right, ' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise, ' he says. 'Whin?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will, ' says Kruger. 'Whin I die, 'he says, 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin'befure breakfast, ' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, orsuch iv thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred rightto demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman, ' hesays. 'But, ' he says, 'in th' mane-time, ' he says, 'we'll lave thingsthe way they are, ' he says. 'I'm old, ' he say, 'an' not good-lookin', 'he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on mevest, ' he says, 'but I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye findme givin' annywan a chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' putin an English prisidint iv this ray-public, ' he says, 'ye may concludethat ye'er Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. "'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures, ' says SirAlfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, 'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r th'removal iv th' naygur popylation, ' he says, 'but, ' he says, 'as abrother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we wantwe'll hand ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r, ' he says, ' 'we have putour hand to th' plough, ' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back, ' he says. "'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue, ' says Lord Lelborne, an' whatth' divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such, ' hesays, 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman, ' he says. 'What a crime, ' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th'money out iv th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th'votes, ' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th'plough, ' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back, ' he says. 'I agree corjallywith th' noble lord on th' r-red lounge abaft me, ' says Lord Salisbury. 'With the echoes of me own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation ivme good frind, th' Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears, ' he says, 'it wud ill become me to speak iv foorce, ' he says. 'I wud on'y say thatif th' Transvaal raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin th'Transvaal rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add, ' he says, 'thatwe have put our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back, ' he says. "Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipeon his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen, ' he says, 'I wud like to do me bestto accomydate ye, ' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack ivsickness wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmenmarchin' up to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'rprisidint, ' he says. 'But, ' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I wasilicted young an' I niver done annything since, ' he says. 'I wudden'tknow what to do without it, ' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age I wudbe contint to dash fr'm wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'rhabyas-corpus writs or test me principles iv personal expansion in a NooJarsey village?' he says. 'I'd rather be a dead prisidint thin a liveex-prisidint. If I have anny pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grantor a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison, ' he says. 'I may've readit in th' Bible, though I think I saw it in a scand'lous book me frindRhodes left in his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye shud niverdiscard an ace to dhraw to a flush, ' he says. 'I deplore th' languagebut th' sintimint is sound, ' he says. 'An' I believe ye'er intintions topresarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't like to see ye pullin' offye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye have ye'er arms in th'sleeves, ' he says. 'F'r, ' he says, 'ye have put ye'er hand in th' reaperan' it cannot turn back, ' he says. "An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on amatther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' anaffiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a raleraypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business withoutlosin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war. " "What wud ye have done?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I'd give thim th' votes, " said Mr. Dooley. "But, " he addedsignificantly, "I'd do th' countin'. " WAR AND WAR MAKERS "I tell ye, Hinnissy, " said Mr. Dooley, "Ye can't do th' English-speakin' people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re rapidlyteachin' th' benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a race we'reonvincible an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's now going onin th' Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince annywan that giveus a fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a tillygraft office. "Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' usa common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th'dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in SouthAfrica. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybratedseeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had animitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English la-ad's style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, as th'pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' chapterisn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command fell uponth' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important town of Poracwhich I have mintioned befure, but, ' he says, 'we ar-re fortunately nowsafe in Manila. ' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest to th' end. Th'English pote does betther. " "'Las' night at eight o'clock, ' he says, 'we found our slendher butinthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers, ' he says. 'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury, ' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th'almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which wedidn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own, ' hesays. 'Th' Irish rig'mints, ' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' LandLeaguers' Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojerGin'ral Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-knownnaytional anthem: "Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!" Th' Boersretreated, ' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their waythrough th' fugitives with awful slaughter, ' he says. 'They have now, 'he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria, ' he says, 'th' officersarrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks, ' he says, 'an'ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivryattintion be th' vanquished inimy, ' he says. 'As f'r us, ' he says, 'wedecided afther th' victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith. ' he says, 'Th'inimy had similar intintions, ' he says, 'but their skill has been vastlyoverrated, ' he says. 'We bate thim, ' he says 'we bate thim be thirtymiles, ' he says. That's where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get lickedon th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens witharrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretfulporcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat down th' pikethat leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorantBoers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages ivhisthry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy. We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' inth' cab'net meetin'. " "Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin', " said Mr. Hennessy, "butthere's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to. " "Thrue f'r ye, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixedup so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throubleis that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'seleft f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job athome an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin'out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now hedon't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th'case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me inargymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'llhurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not that la-ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or Schwartzmeisteras th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a Dutchman. If thatain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous wretch that wuddentlave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he had his way. I'llgive ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' desthroy him. ' An'th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th' neighbors an' says he:'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages to murdher me. Do ye laveye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally ar-round me an' where ye seeme plug hat wave do ye go in th' other direction, ' he says, 'an' slayth' brutal inimy, ' he says. An' off goes th' sojers an' they meet a lotiv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' makes sounds that's more orless human an' ates out iv plates an' they swap smokin' tobacco an'sings songs together an' th' next day they're up early jabbing holes ineach other with baynits. An' whin its all over they'se me an'Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' Schwartzmeister at homeakelly victoryous. An' they make me prime minister or aldherman but whinI want a man to put in me coal I don't take wan with a wooden leg. "I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see meat th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'rth' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an'rain jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beardthin th' wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, give thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come homean' make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him thatought to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol'Kruger chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to bewillin' to turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' I'deven go this far an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' damPh'lippeens----" "Ye're a thraitor, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I know it, " said Mr. Dooley, complacently. "Ye're an anti-expansionist. " "If ye say that again, " cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, "I'll smash in ye'erhead. " UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY "What d'ye think iv th' war?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter, " said Mr. Dooley. "I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin'glass balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymitegun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy asa target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like peoplethat dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man Iniver saw befure comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can'traymimber, an' I climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niverhits me, or if he does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' batehim to death. An' thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' mefrinds come down an' say, 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch, ' an' con-grathlate me, an' I wandher ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on meshoulder till I look down an' see that I haven't a stitch on me but ashort shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' list iv knock-outs to me credit indhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne'er a wan iv thim wasprinted in th' pa-apers. " "'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleepan' had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thimgallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews, ' they says, 'captained, ' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy, ' they says. 'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles, ' theysays, 'We'll just go at thim, ' they says, 'an' walk through thim an'that night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds isinvited, ' they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank athome, an' th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports ivpathreetism an' pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tisdecided that as th' war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r tobegin renamin' th' cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar Englishstatesmen--Joechamberlainville an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r theyhave put their hands to th' plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an'th' sands iv th' glass have r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean. " "An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boerdoin'. Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams ivconquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-roadan' says: 'Jan Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye'rewanted at th' front, ' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an'kisses his wife an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails ivhis coat an' a stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wifesays: 'Good-bye, Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted. ' An' hesays: 'Not while I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me, ' hesays. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his homean' counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come outfr'm cover f'r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wifewith his hat mussed she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an'plugs away. If th' lid is knocked off he's fatally wounded. " "What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bandsplayin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher ora three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Theiron'y thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, which comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught f'rhundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' adisgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'llhave their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess ivDoozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'rnotoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free, their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammeraway an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' Londonpa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv typebeginnin', 'I regret to state. '" "All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British hadsaid, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is alsovery tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though theirnature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' Englandan' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th'gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead ivr-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' backiv th' neck, '--they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'mplazed-to-reports. ' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been throughcolumns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks. Ye canput that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint along. " "We done th' same way oursilves, " said Mr. Hennessy. "We did that, " said Mr. Dooley. "We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'ything is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' anny-how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals f'rstandin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove hisbuckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile. " THE WAR EXPERT Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war newswe are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask "What's awar expert?" "A war expert, " said Mr. Dooley, "is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. Ifye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don'traymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know waspublished, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a warbegins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun ango to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'rblood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life incamp, ' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' rompover the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?" hesays. 'I will stand be me counthry, ' he says, 'close, ' he says. 'If itfalls, ' he says, 'it will fall on me, ' he says. An' he buys himsilf amap made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a fieldglass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor ivth' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert, ' he says. 'Iam, ' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've beenin nawthin' else, ' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, Iheld a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets, ' hesays. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin'editor iv th' Christyan Advocate, ' he says. 'I passed through th'Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshanswas at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day ona checker board, ' he says. 'War, ' he says, has no turrors f'r me, ' hesays. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money, ' says th' editor. An' he gets th'job. " "Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y whatwe might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end ivhis pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' asign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to seewhether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink orsarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he setsback in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aperar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up bethese inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an'I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers. " "Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifestfr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' TugelaRiver that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read inspite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. OnFriday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side atnight, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is aisyto imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north sideontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, isthransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin' th'inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrongpoints. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness ivattimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmenwith mud in th' fr-ront iv thim. " "'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntlessBritions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottlesbein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I wasBuller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hourover th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right ivCrowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thimsqueak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther thissthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th'inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit movecud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bussarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th'gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at adistance. '" "That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan thatgives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv th'London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with LordWolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th'gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boersto carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is goin'to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight thinwin it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said f'rpublic men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a "c" an' ar-resindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r England? Downwith thim!'" "Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thimar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf ifth' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' Englishar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but cantake a batin' without losin' their heads. " "Sure, " said Mr. Hennessy, "tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' la-ads with th' guns has that job. " "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' expertswants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojerswants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too wellknown. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th'rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'senot so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as theylet on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye sowell close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as itwas whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get overth' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's allthey'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownershipiv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until theylarn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fillup their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, butbecause they want to get home to their wives alive. " "Ye talk like an' ol book, " said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. "Ye with ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads. " "Well annyhow, " said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, "th' expert is sarvin' auseful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th'future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will. " MODERN EXPLOSIVES "If iver I wanted to go to war, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' I niver did, th'desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructivepower iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down mespine. " "What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine, " said Mr. Dooley. "Compared withlyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud laveth' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong asGin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrongas th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in sixinch armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots itis always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile fliesthrough th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds fallsdead fr'm th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphonewires won't wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondintswatches it in its hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls intoth' Boer trench. An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' likepizen f'r potato bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth isthrown up f'r miles. Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th'British camp whole. Th' sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. Th' heart iv th' corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th'thought iv th' fearful carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th'ranks iv th' brave but misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'mth' Boer ranks reports that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' adhrink an' onable to stand th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th'whole Boer ar-rmy is as green as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade hassthruck because ye can't tell their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest ivth' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral in command iv th' Swedish corps lost hiscomplexion an' has been sint to th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ralCrownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' line whin th' bombardmintcomminced is a total wreck which no amount iv bluin' will save. Th'deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re outspannin', trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, f'r'tis notknown whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' wash. " "In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. Theyhad no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives theywrought thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'bleprecision in th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures countedas manny as forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' withina radyus iv wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. F. K. L. M. N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass tintimes, th' las' time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithfulcorryspondint was rindered deaf be th' explosions. Another Irishrig'mint has disappearded, th' Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, DublinFusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis suspicted they mistook th' explosion oflyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day procession an' wint acrost to take a lookat it. " "Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all ourconciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-rightlyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now theysind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th'eddycated classes. " "How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tellye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojerwas bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up onth' end iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th'bullet that whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv apropeller, an' another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an'comes out through a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it an'it doesn't come out at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty yearsafther, whin ye've f'rgot all about it an' ar-re settin' at home withye'er fam'ly, bang! away it goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half ivth' roof. Thin they have guns as long as fr'm here to th' rollin' millsthat fires shells as big as a thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like adocthor's bag an' have all kinds iv things in thim that won't do a bitiv good to man or beast. If a sojer has a weak back there's something inth' shell that removes a weak back; if his head throubles him, he canlose it; if th' odher iv vilets is distasteful to him th' shell smothershim in vilet powdher. They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows th'typewriter can wurruk, an' they have other guns on th' music box plan, that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, an' they annoy anny wan that comesalong. They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole in th' groun', firesa millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops back f'r another load. They haveguns that fire dinnymite an' guns that fire th' hateful, sickly greenlyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat money, an' guns that firecanned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher for th' inimy's horses. An' they have some guns that shoot straight. " "Well, thin, " Mr. Hennessy grumbled, "it's a wondher to me that with allthim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost moremen in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he hadto keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls. " "Thrue, " said Mr. Dooley. "I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be thatth' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less hethrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says:'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do, ' he says, 'but load up me little lydditecannon with th' green goods, ' he says, 'an' set here at the organ, ' hesays, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green, ' hesays. 'But, ' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand itback to me, ' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable, ' he says. 'So, ' he says, 'I'll jus' move me music back a mile, ' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th'longest gun takes th' persimmons, ' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' Ifall out an' take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv usgets clost enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. Ifwe take swords I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock'tis even money I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes. " "I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an'guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, an' life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. Ican so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it. " "What's that?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "Th' nation, " said Mr. Dooley, "that fights with a couplin' pin extindsits bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole. " "Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygatesis havin' in this counthry. " "They'll be out here nex' week, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They will that, " Mr. Dooley replied, "an' we'll show thim that ourinthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain'tdisappeared since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have asmuch inthrest as iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere. " "Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go, ' he says, 'to me good an' greatfrind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him, ' he says. 'Tellhim, ' he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin'Wash'nton's time, ' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidlylosin' kopjes till we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on, ' hesays. An' off goes th' good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin'pretty well, Hinnissy. They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawntinnis to a rale fightin' man. But afther awhile the murdherin' Englishgover'mint put in a few recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' dart--we ought to be proud iv thim, curse thim--Pat O'Roberts, an' MikeMcKitchener, an' Terrence O'Fr-rinch--an' they give th' view--halloo an'wint through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth ivAugust picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th'dillygates got to Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguidedDutch appears, squirt th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' Britishembassadure this afthernoon. ' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's playto keep on winnin' battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' amountiv sympathy that goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, Hinnissy, be th' amount iv sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, me la-ad, is with th' undher dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an'a chanst to tur-rn over. " "Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea, ' they says, 'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'llhave a hearin', ' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But nowan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy wassuffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipesin rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th'bucket between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rentnow. Says Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not belong befure I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope an'pray, but Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as aprivate citizen an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that I'mwith thim quietly if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes th'other side. Tell thim I frequently say to mesilf that they're all r-right, but I wudden't want it to go further. Perhaps they cud beinjooced to speak at a dimmycratic meetin' unbeknown to me, ' he says. "Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen, 'says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'rye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf, ' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own soninto ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry, ' he says. 'As f'r Mack, I assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken, ' hesays. 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped'twud not be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruffresponse. Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons, ' he says. 'Las' night his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv yean' ye'er sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an'he'll meet ye in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskersan' go as clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'llwear a pink carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an'Flannagan, an' if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'erban's an' knees an' don't make a sign till he's out iv sight, ' he says. 'Th' stout party in blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able toarrange a raypublican meetin' f'r ye to addhress, ' he says. 'The gr-reat hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's, ' hesays. 'So does mine, ' he says. " "Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye, 'says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. 'Whisper, ' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver sincethis war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, nation or depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin'again' th' sov'reign power, as the case may be, ' he says. 'Unofficially, my sympathy has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficialcheer has been communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, not, mind ye, as an official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin'raypublic, but as a private citizen, ' he says. 'I feel, as a privatecitizen, that so long, ' he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shinesresplindent over our common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'tonin ye'er eyes, an' th' iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an'conker or die, ' he says. 'An', ' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' manto put annything in ye'er way, ' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' goodfrind an' tell him that th' hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'rhim, ' he says. 'An' Sicrety Hay's, ' he says, 'an' mine, ' he says, 'unofficially, ' he says. 'Me official hear-rt, ' he says, 'is notpermitted be th' constitootion to throb durin' wurrukin' hours, ' hesays. "An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign:'This is me busy day. ' An' whin they get back home they can tell th'people they found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry pore--'marked private. '" "Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?" askedthe innocent Hennessy. "It was, " said Mr. Dooley. "But in th' las' few weeks it's had so mannythings to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, alwaysmakes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long asye feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th'ice. " THE CHINESE SITUATION "Well, sir, " said Mr. Hennessy, "to think iv th' audacity iv thimChinymen! It do bate all. " "It do that, " said Mr. Dooley. "It bates th' wurruld. An' what's itcomin' to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'rannything but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th'spoorts iv th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer kegdown th' steps iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out toresint it they'd take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing withhim. But th' Chinyman at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frindsan' they're manny iv thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf an'Westhren Civilization is down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th'police'll come along. " "Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, which I will fight anny man f'r sayin, ' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuckme shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take afall out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop LungDooley, r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family inth' town iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I dohere. Along comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, Wisconsin, an' says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley, ' says he, 'yehave no God, ' he says. 'I have, ' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim, ' says I. 'Ye ar-re an oncultivated an' foul crather, ' he says. 'I have come sixthousan' miles f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijonin which ye live to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo, ' he says. An' he setsdown on an aisy chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' theyinthrojooce Mrs. Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an'th' hat with th' blue bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because shehasn't let her feet grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome outiv th' _Northwesthren Christyan Advocate_. 'Well, ' says I, 'lookhere, me good fellow, ' I says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these hereprimises f'r manny years, ' I says, 'an' here we mean to stay, ' I says. 'We're doin' th' best we can in th' matther iv gods, ' says I. 'We havethim cast at a first-rate foundhry, ' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thimivry week, ' says I. 'As f'r knowin' things, ' I says, 'me people wrotepomes with a markin' brush whin th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-roundwearin' a short pelisse iv sheepskins an' batin' each other to deathwith stone hammers, ' says I. An' I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' aquite man I lave him stay. " "Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like atablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen, ' hesays, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice, ' says I, 'an' ratsis me fav'rite dish, ' I says. 'Deluded wretch, ' says he. 'I riprisintArmour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite, ' he says. 'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards orI'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead, ' hesays. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes an'Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' otherriprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don'ttake thim all. " "Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticksan' a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' pro-ceeds f'r to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We ar-reth' advance guard iv Westhren Civilization, ' he says, 'an we're goin' togive ye a railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't want tosee, ' he says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath contimpt, 'he says. 'Casey, ' he says, 'sthretch th' chain acrost yon graveyard, ' hesays. 'I aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large tombstonemarked Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung, ' he says. 'But, ' saysI, 'ye will disturb pah's bones, ' says I, 'if ye go to layin' ties, ' Isays. 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's in th' nex' lotthat, ' I says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his life, ' I says. 'Ye're an ancestor worshiper, heathen, ' says the la-ad, an' he goes onto tamp th' mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack with th' remainsiv th' deceased. An' afther he's got through along comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, an' says wan iv them:'This is a comfortable lookin' saloon, ' he says. 'I'll take th' bar, yetake th' ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures. ' 'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid th' rent an' th' license, ' says I. 'Niver mind, ' says he. 'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization, ' he says, 'an' 'tisth' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' belongings ivEasthren Civilization, ' he says. 'Be off, ' he says, 'or I'll pull ye'erhair, ' he says. 'Well, ' says I, 'this thing has gone far enough, ' Isays. 'I've heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses abused, ' I says, 'an' I've been packed full iv canned goods, an' th' Peking Lightnin'Express is r-runnin' sthraight through th' lot where th' bones iv meancesthors lies, ' I says. 'I've shtud it all, ' I says, 'but whin ye comehere to bounce me off iv me own primises, ' I says, 'I'll have to taketh' leg iv th' chair to ye, ' I says. An' we're to th' flure. " "That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me asthough Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin adhrunk prize fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin'ssteps. Some iv th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were nearbein' at blows over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. While they were debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with handsan' feet, an' whin he got through he made a collection iv th' thingsthey dhropped in escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe'twill tur-rn out so in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers thatthey'se four hundherd millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddentsurprise me if whin they got through batin' us at home, they might sayto thimsilves: 'Well, here goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld. ' Th'time may come, Hinnissey, whin ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee'sshirt while a man named Chow Fung kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocksthrough ye'er windy. The time may come, Hinnissy. Who knows?" "End ye'er blather, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They won't be anny Chinymenleft whin Imp'ror Willum gets through. " "Mebbe not, " says Mr. Dooley. "He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen havebeen on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny ivthim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyansan' haven't larned properly to sight a gun. " MINISTER WU "Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv hislife in Wash'nton these warm days, " said Mr. Dooley. "Who's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "He's th' Chinee ministher, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' his business is f'rto supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because he'sjust heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail atSydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-fivebloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!'which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th'missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee, ' ismarchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin. " A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well, ' says he, with a happysmile, ''tis all right. ' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. 'Ivrything, ' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'mme frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth houriv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon, ' he says. 'What dayis that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July;Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March, 'he says. 'Pathrick's day, ' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye, 'says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind, ' saysWoo. 'Good, ' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story. ' 'Here's th'letther, ' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhresspatthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommateiv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moonrayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was gladto note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' pairiv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Hermajesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but isstill able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror wasbeheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that heexpicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce hisweight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' weekan' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit tothim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a footrace, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expictsto come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th'railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have, excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me lovef'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. P. S. --If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw. ' "'That, ' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it saysthat the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin'on me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'llr-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run itthrough a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin itsproperly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it intosmall pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an'thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied, ' he says. 'Iam, ' says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all r-right, ' he says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her majestyor their Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or whoiver'srunnin' th' shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse orbetther, as th' case may be, ' he says. 'Good, ' says Woo, 'ye're a manafther me own heart, ' he says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be afrind iv mine in Peking, ' he says. ''Tis called "Heart to Heart Lies IHave Had, " he says. 'Ye'll like it, ' he says. 'In the manetime, ' hesays, 'I must write a secret message to go out be to-night's hot-airexpress to me corryspondint in Meriden, Connecticut, urgin' him to sindmore im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able nature, ' he says. 'I've on'y hadtwinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy, ' he says. 'But befureI go, ' he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an'eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell thishere pea is undher, ' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what isknown at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadockis called the double dirty. " "I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny, " saidMr. Hennessy. "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "if ye believe annything ye'll believeivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an'Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' ye'dundherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv rough-an'-tumbleat it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells looks like all th'others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny judgment in lyin'. Th'corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his class. He's carryin' liesto Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete with a counthry whereivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate that th' workmen ivth' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be machinery; theytur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our canned lies todeceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they have lies thatappeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live among thim an'find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies they can't useat home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin our best. Ourlies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their lies appealsto th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man. " "They can't hurt us with their lies, " said Mr. Hennessy of our Westerncivilization. "We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet" "Yes, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' 'twill be like a man who's had his housedesthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air. " THE FUTURE OF CHINA "Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs, "said Mr. Dooley, "they'll know a thing or two about good manners an'Christyan idees. " "They need thim, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They do so, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' they'll get thim. By an' by th'allied foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life timeor in mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-rein no hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on adite iv polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin'cannon balls to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. Th' allied foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foesurvives. It was rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but onsindin' out scouts 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capitalwas not r-ready an' th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk theirbeecycles on a defictive pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th'Rooshan admiral has not arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost anomelette, or whativer 'tis they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won'tbudge till it can be replaced fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an'sappers has gone ahead f'r to lo-cate good resthrants on th' line ivmarch, but th' weather is cloudy an' th' silk umbrellys haven't arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four hundhred millyon Chiny-men withpinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' way, so th' advance has beenpostponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces is r-ready f'r to startimmejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' British gin'ral is waitin'f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does annything, an' th' Japanese an'th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' 'Afther you, me boy. '" "But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is inth' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin'his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is plannedbe th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, 10A. M. , prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P. M. , massacree iv theimpress an' rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A. M. , scatthrin' iv remains ivformer kings; 11 A. M. , disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P. M. , massacree iv all gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, burnin' iv Peking; foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division ivterrit'ry, th' cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight amongth' allies. " "'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be thereto see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th'impror iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys, ' says he, 'ye ar-re goin'out now, ' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity, ' he says, 'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael, ' he says, 'to th' benightedhaythen beyant, ' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' weixpict ye to do ye'er duty, ' he says. 'Through you, ' he says, 'I proposeto smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist, ' he says. 'This is no six-ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch armorplate, ' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee, ' he says, 'raymimberthat ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity, ' he says, 'an' stick ye'erbaynet through ivry hated infidel ye see, ' he says. 'Lave thimundherstand what our westhren civilization means, ' he says, 'an' prodthim good an' hard, ' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good Germanswords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement, ' he says. 'Spare no man thatwears a pigtail, ' he says. 'An, ' he says, 'me an' th' German Michaelwill smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an' plant onth' walls iv Peking th' banner, ' he says, 'iv th' cross, an', ' he says, 'th' double cross, ' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up a littleland be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er neck in away that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael, ' he says, 'hockme gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist, ' he says, 'hock mesilf, ' hesays. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to wurruk on th'book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place iv th' bible. "He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part inth' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'llstick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higherthin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration'll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd r-rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit. " "'Twill be a good thing, " said Mr. Hennessy. "It will that, " said Mr. Dooley. "'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen, " said Mr. Hennessy. "'Twill civilize thim stiff, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' it may not be a badthing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee maycivlize th' Germans. " PLATFORM MAKING "That sthrikes me as a gran' platform, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm with itfr'm start to finish. " "Sure ye are, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'Wedenounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor tohis country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing. ' Ye'd say:'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platformas a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th'intelligince iv American manhood. ' That's what ye'd say, an' that's whatall th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'yquestion ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with BillyBryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote. " "'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whinI was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a powerin pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemianvote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befureme, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithryman in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps putin th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'rto do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r toexpress me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, butaftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an'th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble inth' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much moneyannyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside ivhis house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked. " "Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What areye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft, ' says I; 'I am at wurruk, ' I says. 'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach, ' says he. 'I donawthin' on an empty stomach but eat, ' says I. 'I've had me supper, ' Isays. 'Go 'way, ' says I, 'till I finish th' platform, ' I says. 'What'sth' platform?' says he. 'F'r th' county con-vintion, ' says I. "Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' todie right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through withye'er barkin', ' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may bedoin' it f'r, ' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince, 'I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg, ' Isays, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye don'traally think, ' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring thatplatform, ' he says. 'I do, ' says I. 'Why, ' he says, 'the platform hasbeen adopted, ' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born, ' says he. 'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first, ' says he--he was a larned man, wasLafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not inoffice is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in mepocket, ' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date, ' hesays. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrikeplank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' unionon th' county board, an', ' he says, 'they ain't room, ' he says. "'Why, ' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms, ' hesays. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th'raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th'dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'wecommind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats butth' 'we denounce an' deplores. ' I dinnaw how it come about, but th'dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it upbetween thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an'congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it'sbeen, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annythingbut denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' otherwurruds. "Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity onrisolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nineninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good. 'I--Imean we, ' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchlessstatesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an'principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf, ' he says to hissicrety. 'Take that, ' he says, 'an' elaborate it, ' he says. 'Ye'll finda ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure, ' he says, 'if ye don't think I'veput what I give ye sthrong enough, ' he says. 'I always was, ' he says, 'too retirin' f'r me own good, ' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest, ' he says, 'to make about six thousan' wurruds, ' he says, 'but be sure don't writeannything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or th'tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or th'civil sarvice, ' he says. 'Tis a foolish man, ' he says, 'that throws ahunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon, ' hesays. " "But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'llexercise me other fac'lties, ' he says. 'I'll write a platform, ' he says. An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th'hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore nolonger he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sindsit down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm. " "Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I bet yeWillum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's toogood a man. " "He is all iv that, " said Mr. Dooley. "But ye bet he knows th' raleplatform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made, ' an' Mack'splatform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan. ' An' it depinds onwhether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who'silicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?" "I will, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "d'ye know, I suspicted ye might. " THE YACHT RACES "In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman--" began Mr. Dooley. "Scowman, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Yachtsman, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man neededto race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. Inthim days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'nJawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars. ' Now 'tis'Ho, f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers. ' 'Tis 'Haul awayon th' writ iv ne exeat, ' an' 'Let go th' peak capias. ' 'Tis 'Pipe allhands to th' Supreme Coort. ' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' ahome on th' rowlin' calendar. ' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come overhere f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnightinjunction. What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an'spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, Schultz, O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an'McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him. " "I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes ona seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, yesee, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthrytook a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' ivcoorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. Idon't know why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He broughtit back here an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, Hinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'ermantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it tohim. ' Afther awhile, an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th'cup, an 'twas lave go altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knowswhat he is. He's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. Butth' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Lookhere, ' says they. 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State ivNoo Jarsey already, ' they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll behauled up f'r contimpt iv coort, ' they says. So they took th' matther inhand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county ivCook, s. S. Know all men be these prisints. To all magisthrates an'polis officers, greetin. ' In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered thatif Sir Lipton shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) hemust build a boat as follows: Wan hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-fourwaist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-threethousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' basement iv th' boat to be papered ingreen with yellow flowered dado, open plumbin', steam heat throughout, th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, ifenable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormyAtlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' partyof th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult withmimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm ivcompetent expert accountants, who will give him his time, which is twominyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacleto th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th'bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if hekeeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f'r he's ajolly good fellow which nobody can deny. ' "Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larnedpro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's ajolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no moregallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th'Amalgamated Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' tohave a race, ' he says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law, 'he says. So he become a yachtsman. 'But, ' says th' Noo York la-ads, thimthat has th' Cup on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on twoconditions. ' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that yebecome a mimber iv our club. ' 'With pleasure, ' says he. 'Ye can't, ' saysthey. 'An' havin' complied with this first condition, ye must give usye'er boat, ' says they. 'We don't want it, ' they says. 'Th' terms suitme entirely, ' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm a simple sailor man an' I'll giveye me boat undher th' following conditions, ' he says. 'First, that yewon't take it; second, that ye'll paint me name on th' side iv it in redletters, three feet high; third, that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th'Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Nawthin', ' he says, 'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsiveraft in th' hands iv men who I wud considher it an honor to know, ' hesays. 'An' so, ' he says, 'I'll on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave asmall security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands incase anny paint shud be knocked off me boat, " he says. 'Yachtin' is agintleman's spoort, ' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen, ' he says, 'ye can't be too careful, ' he says. " "What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' otherlagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King ofEngland was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast fallon him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' ahundherd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Liptonfelt pretty bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but hedidn't want annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. 'Boys, ' says he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hearme? Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don'twant to have it known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put itin an inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, boys. Th' mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm notsure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So didI. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv thisin th' pa-apers. ' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. Butthey're a pryin' lot. " "How did th' mast come to fall?" asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. "D'yesuppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?" "S-sh, " said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, "he was bor-rn in Limerick. " POLYGAMY "How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break intoCongress?" Mr. Dooley asked. "I dinnaw, " said Mr. Hennessy; "I nivver heerd iv him. " "I think it's three, " said Mr. Dooley. "No wondher he needs wurruk an'is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'mbe taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to th'altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles indodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quitemiseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that theyhave caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim thatlikes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youththat he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain'tsthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an'live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commandedbe the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don'tbelieve th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything sofoolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye canbet on that, Hinnissy. " "But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an'lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure inth' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin hegoes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants toengage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan butth' men that keeps imploymint agencies. "But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, adillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit thispolluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere, ' they says, 'ivth' house iv riprisintatives, ' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade hisfam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic, ' they says. 'Permithim mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' lamintedBreckinridge, ' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowdedman. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an'holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hidein a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands ivtheir own an' goes home to cook th' supper. "A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijionto do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' beconscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-adfeels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might belike me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives toburn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thinCongressman. " "Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a lookin at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an'iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns hisown palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office ivbow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chiefpizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in abag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly districtthey look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th'Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is overf'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywansay 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'erfiresides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv ourdomain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no wanshall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In'behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, Irequest ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi an'th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be herlooks that she's th' first Missus Haitch. ' "No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlyingwards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with hisdomestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin'messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th'pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' upon a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd makeBrigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegaran' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies isplayin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu, ' an'another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin'patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he says:'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' AnnualThanksgivin' pro-clamation, ' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' heartyhusbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others, ' he says. 'An' here, ' he says, 'is th' revised constitution, ' he says. 'Th'original wan, ' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds thatwudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe, ' he says. 'Thiswan, ' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times, 'he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives, ' he says, 'ashis race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit, ' hesays. 'Thank ye kindly, ' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papersas a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I haveniver see, ' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan, ' hesays, 'but 'twud be betther, ' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' beprisinted to her as a whole, ' he says, 'f'r, ' he says, ''tis growinglate an' I want ye to come up to th' house, ' he says, 'an' pick amission'ry with me, ' he says. 'A Baptist, ' he says, 'raised on th'farm, ' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' daywhin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulufor himsilf f'r prisident. " "Thin, " said Mr. Hennessy, "ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to what-d'ye-call-th' place. " "That's what I'm thinkin', " said Mr. Dooley. "But 'tis too bad f'r himhe was bor-rn at home. " PUBLIC FICKLENESS Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on hisforehead. "Well, " he said, "I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos'lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----" "I niver was, " said Mr. Hennessey. "I stayed at home. " "Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes, " Mr. Dooley continued, "an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv newsiv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th'gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentallyslipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' officean' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an'insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re madeiv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreetcars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th'bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that aman can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoomwill not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has beenarranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he willaccipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'rprisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruldhas wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear. " "That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go toWoonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th'counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brownpaper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thinthat, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an'he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state ivwar exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin''twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But ifye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'rsupper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife. " "I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down therea man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. Icud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain, ' but how canI say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv ourlate war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant menthat voted f'r prisidint in 1896. '" [Illustration] "No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th'skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men inth' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen fr'mhimsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one ischarterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim. " "No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin'eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa thinkthey were drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war. ''Tis an ol' war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whina man is out in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th'authentic dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmithan' Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th'Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th'canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther hehas r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he, 'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens. ' War, be hivins, is so common that Ibelieve if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more thinhalf th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure theygot into th' cellars. " "Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply stuckon it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is itpossible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see th'signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their owngover'mint? 'What, ' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughteriv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What. ' she says, 'will annyAmerican woman residin' in London see men shot down, ' she says, 'thathas but recently played polo in our very sight, ' she says, 'an' bebrought home in mere thransports, ' she says. 'Ladies, ' she says, 'laveus equip a hospital ship, ' she says. 'I thrust, ' she says, 'that all ivus has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domesticstruggles, ' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity, ' she says. An' whinshe opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stigginsiv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddentlike to know till afther Thanks-givin'. " "Don't be blatherin', " said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure ye can't ixpict peopleto be inthrested f'river in a first performance. " "No, " said Mr. Dooley, "but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny anencore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' othershow. " KENTUCKY POLITICS "If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere, " said Mr. Hennessy, "they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky. " "What business is it iv Mack's?" Mr. Dooley protested. "Th' war's inthis counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' headwaters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th'inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' humankind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th'parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, f'rthese are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th'martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate eachother to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-rightf'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him ifhe did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud beall r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' handthim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good jobf'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must beclear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, SinitorHoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that whatKentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a littlepublic peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. Itmust be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridgesmade be bullets as he cleared th' fences. " "It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong, " said Mr. Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. "Iv coorse he's wrong, " said Mr. Dooley. "He starts wrong. An' th'dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It allcome up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I findth' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyitye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th'other judges an' clerks. "Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th'apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced tonawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycraticmajority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth ivKentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an'has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can ivjoynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin hewasn't gov'nor. " [Illustration] "Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptiblejoodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill, ' they say, 'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage, ' says they. 'Th' hated enimy hasstolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens, ' saysthey, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo theirhellish wurruk in our own counties, ' they says. 'They now hol' th'jobs, ' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iverilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublicanif we got in, ' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll goover an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim, ' they say. " "So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that'sbeen reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel JackChinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coortgoin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiestor wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state candonate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to beused on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, asandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, astove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybratedknives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin'fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives th'writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where hesuccessfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up toth' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposedin him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' mostdesp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?'says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'Awrit fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office, ' says th' clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen, ' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an officialenthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th'statutes I bow to th' law, ' he says. 'But, ' he says, 'I'll be hanged ifI'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycraticcoort, ' he says, 'Sojers, ' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peacean' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn, ' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an'proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' haveth' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv th'party iv Lincoln an' Grant, ' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th'constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve, ' hesays, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law, ' he says. 'I want a law, 'he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict, ' hesays. 'I want wan, ' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personalsupervision, ' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an'tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan, ' hesays. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv th'state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor, Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gunfighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay canbe decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th'gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th'gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'rayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak. " "They ought to fire out the raypublican, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure 'tiscomin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy thecoorts. " "Thrue f'r ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'mour side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win aniliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat. " YOUNG ORATORY "They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r, " saidMr. Dooley, laying down his paper, "an' that is that we still have a lotiv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on. " "Who's been oratin' now?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. Thisengagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquinceat th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club onth' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' UnitedStates Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-threeyears. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r fiveminyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks onwan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-reclosed an' th' fire escapes broken. " "His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. 'I have cruised, ' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rcheyPelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to thosethat see me, ' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th'gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. Civilization likequills upon th' fretful porcypine, ' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls, cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ralOtis--an' there's a man that I rayspict, ' he says. 'I see flowersbloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county, ' hesays. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, Ithrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' searollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' starssparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountainsraisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feetextinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' gloriesiv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a goodplace this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men'sshirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says tomesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannothesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in otherwurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over ourheads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears, ' hesays. An' he set down. " "Well, sir, 'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Evenyounger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th'throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; itstoo common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where'she's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loadshimsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin'ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederatemoney, ' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry'sJunction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinitan' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitolbuildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an'th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on akinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it don'tlas' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it'sendurance that counts. " "Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th'sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid'sspeech?' ''Twas a good speech, ' says th' other. 'It carries me back tome own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' MexicanWar. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike. ' An' afther awhileth' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin'him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thinth' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand ivGawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to datein th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this hesays, 'sky, ' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv hiven, 'an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens, ' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv th'Passyfic, ' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, hemintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th'capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an'thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a ralesinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th'sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speechesthat was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway thathadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above awhisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear. " "Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I don't know, " said Mr. Dooley, "th' divvle take thim. " PUBLIC GRATITUDE "This man Dewey--, " began Mr. Dooley. "I thought he was ye'er cousin George, " Mr. Hennessy interrupted. "I thought he was, " said Mr. Dooley, "but on lookin' closer at hisfeatures an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convincedthat I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'llnot say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no closerilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye stayaway fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me Aunt-Judy-George made a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he ought'veinvistigated his welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man cud standup all day an' lave Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' affictioniv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably fatal. " "Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's ivthis grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't whatI thought he was, ' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ralman, an' it turns out he's a cheap skate, ' he says. 'We made too muchfuss over him, ' he says. 'To think, ' he says, 'iv him takin' th' housewe give him an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife, ' he says. ''Tisscand'lous, ' he says. 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn'tgive annything, ' he says 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm gladnow I hung on to me coin, ' he says. 'Well, ' says I, 'I apprechate ye'erfeelin's, ' I says. 'Ye agree with th' other subscribers, ' I says. 'ButI've med up me mind not to lave annywan talk to me about Dewey, ' I says, 'unless, ' I says, 'he subscribed th' maximum amount iv th'subscription, ' I says, 'thirty-eight cints, ' I says. 'So I'll thank yeto tip-toe out, ' I says, 'befure I give ye a correct imitation iv Deweyan' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila, ' I says. An' he wint away. " "Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost hisundherstanding iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George r-read th' newspapers, an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think welliv what I done. I guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, f'r'tis hot out here, an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me, ' he says. An'he come along, an' New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business inneckties had been poor that summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin'it together, an' they give George a welcome an' invited his admirersfr'm th' counthry to come in an' buy something f'r th' little wans athome. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo between smilin' rows iv hotels an'dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' fifty-cint seats an' he says tohimsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud on'y see me now. ' An' he wasproud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics ar-re not always ongrateful. 'An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much gratichood ye want to freezesome iv it, or it won't keep. " "'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that oughtto be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph ivhimsilf in a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cudset in a city hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud lookat him without smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. 'Twud've been th' same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an'hadn't deeded his house to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like ahero, ' says wan man. 'I shud say not, ' says another. 'He looks likeannybody else. ' 'He ain't a hero, ' says another. 'Why, annybody cud'vedone what he did. I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take abaseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twintyminyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle, ' he says. 'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure heleft Wash'n'ton. ' 'Sure he was. Why, so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so. ' 'Ye don'ttell me!' 'Is there annything in that story about his beatin' his poorol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv four dollars?' 'I guess that'sstraight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him he's a mean man. I niver see aman with squintin' eyes an' white hair that wudden't rob a church!''He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' battle iv Manila. Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name wrote--th' br-ravecorryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his stummick an' retiredbefure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight but a lot iv ol'row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his way throughth' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it makes me tiredto think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. Why, say, theydone a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty or fifty men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder to shoulderat his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their wives. ''Yes, ' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his house. ''No, ' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' v'rietyshow an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope. ' Well!'" "Well what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "Well, " Mr. Dooley continued, "I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, thatin spite iv me hathred iv George as a man--a marrid man--an' me contimptf'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stolean' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was tocome r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an'gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggsan' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put mefut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens, ' I'dsay, 'lave us, ' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreetthat's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrustedcollagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes, ' I'd say. 'Th' keyholesis closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'dsay, 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's anoggin' iv whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. I'm no hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an'though we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wintwild, be sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was firstmintioned be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an'warrum ye'er toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichoodiv ye'er fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an aspan' stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th'hearth iv millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!" "I dinnaw about that, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I like Dewey, but I think heoughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation. " "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen tohave his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th'pinitinchry. " MARRIAGE AND POLITICS "I see, " said Mr. Hennessy, "that wan iv thim New York joods says a manin pollytics oughtn't to be marrid. " "Oh, does he?" said Mr. Dooley. "Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to bemarrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble?An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get alongin pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iva prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top ivhim, thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job?They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support, ' an' he surrinders. But amarrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher ifI don't win out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pilean' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruthiv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' allth' timpry clerkships be bachelors. " "Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be inpollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But itain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug withye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissionalspoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Yeniver see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. Th' best amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; aprofissional boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lamthe head off a goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldybread an' dhrinkin' wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th'cornet on th' sthreet f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figureeight around Dinnis Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' ascroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at sixo'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home atnight tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs. " "So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife athome to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to havelittle prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies'academy onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have asthrong desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtownin an open carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-redparasol. If he hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics--orpackin' pork. Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, didye? Ye never will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th'timptation's sthrong, but fear is sthronger. " "Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they alwaysmarry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollyticianalways marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be asuccessful pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays plantedjust where she was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin'station. D'ye mind O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, himthat was aldherman, an' dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wanterm? Well, whin I first knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroadsection tampin' th' thrack at wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin'young fellow, with a stiff right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, an'anny wan cud see that he was intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th'aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th'boordin'-house. Aristocracy, Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther ivlocation. I'm aristocracy to th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th'brewery agent's aristocracy to me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an'so it goes, up to the czar of Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th'high man iv all, th' Pope not goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy wasaristocracy to O'Leary. He niver see such a stylish woman as she waswhin she turned out iv a Sundah afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'dthink to himsilf, 'If I iver can win that I'm settled f'r life, ' an' ivcoorse he did. 'Twas a gran' weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show upat wurruk f'r weeks. " "O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an'kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' asthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud'veseen her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she lookedlike a fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watchesan' chains. She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worthgoin' miles to watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy RoadDimmycratic Fife an' Dhrum Corps ball. " "But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go th'distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther shebegins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say 'twasdiff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, butpollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book larnin'to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical life, has th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take annyjob fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' UnitedStates. His business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' com-munity, an' their customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an robbin'sticks to him. Th' good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y people shesees is th' childher an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in a swallow-tail coat is addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud do f'r toreform pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with th'plumber's wife an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. ThinO'Leary moves up on th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-righton th' boolyvard. Th' men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged commonsinse in that O'Leary. He may be a robber, but they's mighty little thatescapes him. ' But no wan speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinionabout our foreign policy. She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawncurtains iv her three-story brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'llcome in an' see her, an if annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An''tis on'y whin she slips out to Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber'swife, an' sets in th' kitchen over a cup iv tay, that peace comes toher. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' nommynation f'r congress. He knowshe's fit for it. He's sthronger thin th' young lawyer they have now. People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as they do in Chicago. He says:'I'll take it. ' An' thin he thinks iv th' wife an' they's no Wash'ntonf'r him. His pollytical career is over. He wud niver have been constableif he hadn't marrid, but he might have been sinitor if he was awidower. " "Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be veryhappy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well, ' says Mrs. Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an'weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck. " "Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Up to a certain point, " said Mr. Dooley, "he must be marrid. Aftherthat--well, I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r aman, 'tis a tough wan f'r his wife. " ALCOHOL AS FOOD "If a man come into this saloon--" Mr. Hennessy was saying. "This ain't no saloon, " Mr. Dooley interrupted. "This is a resthrant. " "A what?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. "A resthrant, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor isfood. It is though. Food--an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in thepa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th'stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that peopleshud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on thimafther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ralPantaloons de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin'down th' lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go offsomewhere, an' not bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they wantto die. Th' disease is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst. " "'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besideskillin' thim, ' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place morehomelike, ' he says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryumthremens since we first planted th' stars an' sthripes, ' he says, 'an'th' bay'nits among th' people, ' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin'th' rigimints get their feet round wanst a week, at laste, ' he says. 'Lave us, ' he says, 'reform th' reg'lations, ' he says, 'an' insthructour sojers to keep their powdher dhry an' their whistles wet, ' he says. " "Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad hasdiscovered that liquor is food. 'A man, ' says he, 'can live f'r monthson a little booze taken fr'm time to time, ' he says 'They'se a gr-reatdale iv nourishment in it, ' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's th'man I know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. Iwondher if the time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out ivth' fam'ly enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People mayget so they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to theirwurruk, an' a man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beerf'r breakfast. Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'llordher people f'r to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apersthat 'Anton Boozinski, while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill hiswife an' childher. ' On Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-FoodFife an' Drum corpse out at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th'Father Macchews, an' they'll be places where a man can be took whin hegets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain thatth' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' they'll be inquiries to find out whosold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy--Poor people 'll have simple meals--p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little crame de mint, an' ye'll r-read inth' pa-apers about a family found starvin' on th' North side, withnawthin' to sustain life but wan small bottle iv gin, while th' head ivth' family, a man well known to the polis, spinds his wages in a lowdoggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains with custars pie. Th' r-rich 'llinthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top off a fine dinner with alittle hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come whin ye'll see me in awhite cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a nigger hollers tome: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch, ' an' I holler back: 'On th' fire. ' Ye willnot. " [Illustration] "That's what I thought, " said Mr. Hennessy. "No, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twasmore iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frindSchwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to looklike a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thinthat. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as alobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without himlookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky, ' says he, 'is called thedivvle, because, ' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels, ' he says. 'Ithas its place, ' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head, ' sayshe. 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it, ' he says. 'It's f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin', ' he says. 'Hot whiskyis good f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head, ' he says. 'Th' minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv hislegs. 'Tis a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a goodthing to talk on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th'mornin' it ought not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, dhrink; if it weeps, swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, an' some women talk like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th'death iv bookkeepers. It doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot withwather, a lump iv sugar, a piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iva nutmeg-grater, it makes life sustainable. " "D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life"? asked Mr. Hennessy. "It has sustained mine f'r many years, " said Mr. Dooley. HIGH FINANCE "I think, " said Mr. Dooley, "I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy adhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock. " "Where wud ye keep it?" asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. "I'll put it out on th' vacant lot, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' lave it growfat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' SixthWard that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, I'll be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. "Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity intojail. That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds ivdipression that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bullargymint. 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumorthat th' prisidint was undher ar-rest. ' 'They was a gr-reat bulge inLobster preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' adividend iv three hundhred per cint. Th' comp'ny was preparin' toimprison th' boord iv directors. ' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchaseiv Con and Founder. This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th'hangin' iv th' comity on reorganization. '" "What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds inon th' groun' flure--an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye knowCassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whinth' la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th'widdies an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' hemust've handed Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, though threatened with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. Hecome back here so covered with dimons that wan night whin he wasstandin' on th' rollin' mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brownmistook his shirt front f'r th' bridge lights an' steered into a soapfacthry on th' lee or gas-house shore. " "Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawnsays, ' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that, ' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day tofind out what Jawn advises. ' He used to play a dollar on th' horses orsivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put ina ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on howhigh Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhropiv whisky, ' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers, ' he says, 'an'I'd like to give it a shove, ' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A littleweak, to-day, '" says I. "Twill be sthronger, ' he says. 'If it ain't, ' says I, 'I'll take out th'meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rnth' wind free as buy it, '" I says. "A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. 'Cassidy, ' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine, ' he says, 'an'I'd do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye, ' hesays. 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th'ligislachure meets again buy'--an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. 'But, 'he says, 'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep itbottled up, '" he says. "Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a fewselect frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th'porther, an' th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got onth' platform at South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough totell about it to the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th'tip on it an' hung it out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid athrombone in a band goin' over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' goodthing to music an' play it through th' thrain. Whin he got to New Yorkhe stopped at the Waldorf Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin'his face with groun' dimons Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin'to buy a policy ticket with an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th'bootblack, th' waiter, th' man at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th'desk, an' th' bartinder in his humble abode. He got up a stereopticonshow with pitchers iv a widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' heput an advertisement in all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud makeweak men sthrong. He had th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants inWall sthrcet, an' told it confidintially to an open-air meetin' inMadison Square. 'They'se nawthin, ' he says, 'that does a tip so muchgood as to give it circulation, ' he says. 'I think, be this time, ' hesays, 'all me frinds knows how to proceed, but--Great Hivins!' he says. 'What have I done? Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock theywon't be anny f'r thim. I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Mereputation as a gintleman an' a fi-nanceer is at stake, ' he says. 'Rather than see these brave people starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel ivcommon or preferred, I'll--I'll sell thim me own stock, ' he says. An' hedone it. He done it, Hinnissy, with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's they might get what was left at araysonable price, he wrote a confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin'thim th' stock wasn't worth thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, they're talkin' iv puttin' him in a common jail or pinitinchrypreferred. Th' ingratichood iv man. " "But what about Cassidy?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "Oh, " said Mr. Dooley, "he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frindJawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum ivlate?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name, ' says he. 'To think ivwhat I've done f'r him, ' he says, 'an' him to throw me down, ' he says. 'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did, ' says he. 'How did ye come out?'says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th'ligislachure, ' says he. 'Well, ' says I, 'Cassidy, ' I says, 'ye've beenup again what th' pa-apers call hawt finance, ' I says. 'What th'divvle's that?' says he. 'Well, ' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' itain't obtainin' money be false pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter, ' Isays. 'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' bestfeatures iv thim ar-rts, ' I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me, ' he says. 'It was, ' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy, 'I says. " THE PARIS EXPOSITION "If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up, " said Mr. Hennessy, "they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint. " "They'll be enough left, " said Mr. Dooley. "There always is. No wan hasgone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thoughtDorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season'll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintativecit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tismuch betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blowthim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo. " "But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be muchsufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex'fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th'disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' foodye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake Shoredhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have. ' Th' mayor 'll open soupkitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an'watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an'hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give usa cold bottle or we perish. ' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' bustin their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, aconspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an'volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th'vested inthrests iv established poverty. " "'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organizeth' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims ivth' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th'stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' herchange her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in alittle ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an'rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligintattintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steakwith onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind LucilleErnestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. Thinye'll be happy, me good woman. ' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't giveannything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done beindiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankersthat'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk todo if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv th'class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors'Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake ivice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamondmine. " [Illustration] Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin andremarked: "These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress ivth' wurruld. " "Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers, " said Mr. Dooley, "an" it isn't so. Putit down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th'hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Parisfair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhredthousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' picklecasters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be allth' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an'what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue thatbinds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmyor a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soapye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan'frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th'Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' nameiv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, "Libertinity, insanity, an' frugality, " I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th'wurruld. [Cheers. ] Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closerth' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny [frantic applause], which Ihope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th'lather iv fame. ' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets ivParis in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'VeevHiggins, ' 'Abase Castile, ' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny aheart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it, but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an'th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paristhis year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an'no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'mth' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, butI'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets. '" "The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th'wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say toth' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I knowyon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud yebe so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'larhouse where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well withoutthe aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought tohave larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgivenmachinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, abarrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, acan iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' abur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe intoth' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall. Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse withme eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge, thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf. " "No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes toParis, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, orvicey varsa, ' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers ivmechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthyan' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhraypainted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th'dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th'skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plowshow an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'lldevote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' humannature. '" "Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there, " said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. '"Tis a good thing ye can't go. " "It is so, " said Mr. Dooley. "I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitivesto be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over. " CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM "I see, " said Mr. Dooley, "that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried tor-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, has thrun up th' job. " "Sure, I niver heerd iv him, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, 'twus this way with him, " Mr. Dooley explained. "Ye see, hedidn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' howmany rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress shebought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight classan' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no rightreadin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas, ' he says. 'Giveme, ' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd begot out in hiven, ' he says, 'price five cints a copy, ' he says, 'f'rsale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier, ' hesays. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not bebehindhand, ' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an'irrellijous position, ' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants ivth' place ye refer to is fixed, ' he says, 'f'r newspapers, ' he says, 'an' I niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there, ' he says, 'but if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts, ' he says, 'I'llsee that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an'wicked iv this earth, where, ' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick, 'he says. " "Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan wasin here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't hadsuch a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week withnawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv aweather map. 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th'editoryal rooms iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'mtheir reg'lar jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen, ' hesays, 'tell me ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publicationf'r to-day!' he says. 'Well, ' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's acouple iv rabbits goin' to sprint around th' thrack at th' fairgroun's, ' he says. I think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'dlind me tin that I might br-reak th' sin-thralled bookys that come downhere fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' righteous, ' he says. 'No, ' saysth' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in this paper, ' he says. ''Tis th'roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat it, ' he says. 'An' you, fair-haired youth, ' he says, 'what d'ye do that makes ye'er color so good an'ye'er eye so bright?' 'I, ' says th' la-ad, 'am th' boy that writes th'fightin' dope, ' he says. 'They'se a couple iv good wans on at th' op'rahouse to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't tin-can 'tis like findin'money in an ol' coat that--' 'Fightin', ' says th' editor, 'is a croolan' onchristyan spoort, ' he says. 'Instead iv chroniclin' th' ruffyanismiv these misguided wretches that weigh in at th' ringside at 125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber shop th' other day thatSpike's gone away back--what's that I'm sayin'? Niver mind. D'ye go downto th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius Augustus Morninbinch an'interviewhim on th' question iv man's co-operation with grace in conversion. Makea nice chatty article about it an' I'll give ye a copy iv wan iv mebooks. ' 'I will, ' says th' la-ad, 'if he don't swing on me, ' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. 'Gintlemen, ' he says, 'I find thatth' wurruk ye've been accustomed to doin', ' he says, 'is calc'lated f'rto disthroy th' morality an' debase th' home life iv Topeka, not tomintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv Valencia, Wanamaker, SugarWorks, Paxico an' Snokomo, ' he says. 'Th' newspaper, instead iv bein' apow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, has become something thatthey want to r-read, ' he says. 'Ye can all go home, ' he says. 'I'll stayhere an' write th' paper mesilf, ' he says. 'I'm th' best writer ar-roundhere, annyhow, an' I'll give thim something that'll prepare thim f'rdeath, ' he says. "An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an articleon sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipalownership iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a goodmilker ownded be a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an'fine wans: 'Th' Man with th' Shovel, ' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Manwith th' Cash-Raygisther, ' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow, ' 'Th' Man withth' Bell Punch, ' 'Th' Man with th' Skate, ' 'Th' Man with No KickComin'. ' Fine pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man'sforehead back an' planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes thatdidn't fit him and got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polistsin Topeka at a dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought toknow, but he didn't, so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized f'r to go back readin' th' commonadvertisin' in th' vile daily press about men's pantings, an'DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' spring a young man'sfancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be th' thrusts. Th'editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his venalcontimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in thiswurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finestgrades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grassseed, f'r man an' beast. ' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a littleile in a curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' bestbreakfast dish in th' wurruld. ' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feelas if he was in church--asleep. " "How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?" says ye. "Oh, it sthruck thimgood. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyancitizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, afine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' getme a copy iv th' Polis Gazette. '" "Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogancalls his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an'says he: 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin'siv all th' convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, an'have room to spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th'murdhers, an' suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an'disease, an' war, an' famine, ' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left tokeep a man busy r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th'lightnin' express. No, ' he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' I'mworth on'y a line beginnin': "Kelly, at the parish-house, April twinty-sicond, in th' fiftieth year iv his age, " an' pay f'r that, whileScanlan's bad boy is good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an'thries to kill a polisman. A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. I want to know what's goin' on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Didye r-read it?' he says. 'I did, ' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' sayshe. 'I know, ' says I, 'why more people don't go to church, ' says I. " THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY "I see, " said Mr. Hennessy, "that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint. " "Well, sir" said Mr. Dooley, "I hope to hiven he won't get it. Norilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I wasprecint captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do sayso that shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an'I'd've joined th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r mepoor feet. Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cudwin out again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'magain him. I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years inthis ward, an' I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics. " "Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything elsein th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. Hedon't mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride ahorse? 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horseis because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it hewouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhilean' got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'rsoovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says heto a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry"?' 'Tis araypublic, ' says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' saysGeorge. 'He's called prisidint, ' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?'says Cousin George. ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat, ' says th' bull. 'What's th' la-ad's name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. 'Mack, ' says th' cop. 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross, ' says th' elbow. 'Where fr'm?' says George. 'Ohio, ' says the peeler. 'Where's that?'says George. 'I dinnaw, ' says th' bull. An' they parted th' best ivfrinds. " "'Well, ' says George to himsilf, 'I guess I'll have to go up an' have alook at this la-ad's place, ' he says, 'an' if it looks good, ' he says, 'p'raps I cud nail it, ' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin'his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a niceemploymint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r arayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin'frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been atsea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the MontpelierPaleejum. 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He wasquite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast yeup here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own wayan' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I liketh' looks iv the job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got soblame tired since I left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to doI'll go crazy, ' he says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it toth' other papers, ' he says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat"?'says the rayporter. 'What's that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong toth' raypublican or th' dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' saysCousin George. 'Th' raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion. ' 'Thin I'ma raypublican. ' 'Th' dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade. ' 'ThinI'm a dimmycrat. ' 'Th' raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' gooldstandard. ' 'So'm I. I'm a raypublican there. ' 'An' they're opposed to anincome tax. ' 'On that, ' says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell ye, put me down as a dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm adimmycrat with sthrong raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm adimmycrat, be a point raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'llundherstand that. ' 'What'll I say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Yehave to stand on a platform. ' 'I do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand onno platform, an' I'll hang on no sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincyis--a throlley car? No, sir, whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'erpaper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George settin' down comfortable with hislegs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that thries to pass him. Go out nowan' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late an' all hands ar-re piped tobed, ' he says. " "An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has instore f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' hispitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictionsin Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th'goods he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observersthat he was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. Be th' Jesuits. Thinsomewan'll dig up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th'mornin' iv th' fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an'th' jokes that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite atth' Battle iv Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake upth' mornin' afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorerheart, an' he'll find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goolddimmycratic party, an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' outwithout his shawl an' cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be r-right an' be prisidint, but he can't be both at th' same time. An' he'llgo down to breakfast an' issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To AllSuperyor Officers Commandin' Admirals iv th' United States navy at homeor on foreign service: If anny man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, hit him in th' eye an' charge same to me. ' An' thin he'll go to hisoffice an' prepare a plan f'r to capture Dublin, th' capital iv England, whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind th' r-rest iv his life thryin'to live down th' time he was a candydate. " "Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce iswith him, I'll give him a vote, " said Mr. Hennessy. "It's no sin to be acandydate f'r prisidint. " "No, " said Mr. Dooley. "Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'dlike to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Whowas the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!" CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY "Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol'commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again. " "How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "F'r some time past, " said Mr. Dooley, "they's been nawthin' doin'that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystandersin Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come outagain without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as ifth' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentuckyas in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. Idinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens inCubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news thatcome out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv abloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not deadbut on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up throughtwo iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens. " "They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringerwas settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-fourColt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv hismim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th'United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was MajorBullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins atth' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited somuch comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ralRangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled MajorLycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamistmeetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen. " "Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' aparty iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th'suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an'Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since MajorLyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed acow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r toslay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society hasbeen on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r anotherthrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th'histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentuckybe her affectionate sons. " [Illustration] "Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an'begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at th'bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' twoantagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th'state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught aboot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rableapplause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th'top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonelon'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down abook-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him aheadthree. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him justas he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficultpolisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his ownfrinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not soforch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ralRangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy flutteredout iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th'day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Majorwas onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r ina vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicondchair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an'sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthryloses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin'son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' waniv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' firecan be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, threehearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, twobrains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualtiesresultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin':Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; CaptainEpaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs ofHoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt diseasewhin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader insociety, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an'without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don'tcount. " "'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' ol'state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! WhinKentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more bloodspilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time whinLadysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up a threein th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se raleshootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. 'Tis th'on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly lookin'like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv th'shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor ivye'er counthry. " "'Tis a disgrace, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Where were th' polis?" "This was not th' place f'r a polisman, " said Mr. Dooley. "I suspictthough, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms thatif some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th'bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd, ' they'd be less casu'ltiesfr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush toeven it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, Isometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd besure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with abaseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befurebreakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin'through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down asthrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's apolisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd. " "That's so, " said Mr. Hennessy. "But it don't do to take anny chanceson. " "No, " said Mr. Dooley, "he might be dhrunk. " A SOCIETY SCANDAL "Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket, " said Mr. Dooley. "How's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor, " replied Mr. Dooley, "an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into hisparty. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his largean' commodjious house in London. That's where he lives--in London--though he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' state ivIoway near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party on a gran'scale, an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, an' invited th'neighbors an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he wudden't have. He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come, an' he says tohis sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we pass by. ' Hedidn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know why. They wasdissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch him, ' an' hewas out iv it. " "Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat withLady O----, an' Lady S----, an' Lady G----, an' Lady Y----, an' otherladies that had lost their names, an' says wan iv thim, 'Cap, ' she says, 'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' she says. 'Not that I knowiv, ' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny wurrud that I'm wanted, ' hesays. 'What differ does it make, ' says th' lady. 'Write an invitationf'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with us, ' says she. 'I'll doit, ' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile an' goes along. "Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin'a knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comesup an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck. ' 'What name?' says th'Cap. 'Asthor, ' says Willum. 'Oh, ' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' Americangazabo that owns this hut, ' he says. 'I am, ' says Willum. 'I can't go, 'says th' Cap. 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away, ' hesays. 'Gossoon, another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow, ' he says. 'I am an English gintleman an' I know me rights, ' he says. 'Dure orwindow, ' says Willum. 'Take ye'er choice, ' he says. 'If ye insist, ' saysth' Cap, 'I'll take th' dure, ' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customsiv civilization, ' he says; an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' duresthep. "Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aperoffice, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item, ' he says, an' he put itin. 'It is wished, ' he says, 'to be apprihinded, ' he says, 'be thosedesirous not to have been misinformed, ' he says, 'concarnin' th' recentappearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party, ' he says, 'that 'twas not be methat said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site, ' he says, 'but rather, 'he says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into aparty to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twaswritten, ' he says. " "Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthoracted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall an'bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had nobusiness there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice creaman' rented th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where Iwas wrong. Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What, 'he says, 'is an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be amere American be descent?' he says. 'A man, ' he says, 'that hasn't anentail to his name, ' he says. 'An American's home in London is anEnglishman's castle, ' he says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th'furniture may go out iv it, th' constable may enther, th' mortgage mayfall on th' rooned roof, but a thrue Englishman'll niver leave, ' hesays, 'while they'se food an' dhrink, ' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthorhas busted th' laws iv hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjickiv th' queen, ' he says. 'Hinceforth, ' he says, 'he's ast to no picnicsiv th' Buckingham Palace Chowder Club, ' he says. An' th' nex' day WillumWaldorf Asthor met him at th' races where he was puttin' down a bit ivmoney an' spoke to him, an' th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. He must've had something in his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' now no wan'll speak to Willum WaldorfAsthor, an' he's not goin' to be a jook at all, an' he may have to comeback here an' be nachurlized over again like a Bohamian. He's all brokeup about it. He's gone to Germany to take a bath. " "Lord, help us, " said Mr. Hennessy, "can't he get wan nearer home?" "It seems not, " said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th'wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall. " DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS "Why should anny man want to kill a king?" said Mr. Dooley. "That'swhat I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th'deck. Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th'less ye have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little joy, little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where Iam thin on a throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tisno aisy job bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marryth' woman iv ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis liketakin' a conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th'mateeryal. Thin if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, laves his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank th' Lord I'm not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin'a Winchester at me fr'm th' top iv a house. " "But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to takeme life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks retireto th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch mesplattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in acorner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in thiscinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'dcommunicate with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd makeit a thing worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' goodKing Dooley. " "Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhropsinto a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on astool atin' a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glassiv buttermilk. 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. 'Ido not, ' says th' arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much. ''That's th' king, ' says th' lady. 'Th' king, is it, ' says th' arnychist. 'Thin here's f'r wan king less, ' he says, an' 'tis all over. A kingought to be a king or he oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. Ifhe wants to hang on he must keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queensthat thrusts so much in th' lilety iv their people that they live insummer resort hotels an' go out walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th'on'y person that ought to be able to get near enough a rale king to killhim is a jook, or th' likes iv that. Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarseyhavin' th' chanst!" [Illustration] "What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?" "Th' Lord on'y knows, " said Mr. Dooley. "They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace onearth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man thatdon't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They'redown on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they'vekilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An'between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've metmanny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th'makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be fewarnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' theycan't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name ivSchmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan tome. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an'his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But blessmy soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerdhe was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was whatye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hatedabove all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th'barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about otherkings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in th'pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything thathappened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. IfSchwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congressgaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround hisfinger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have yeagain' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor, ' he says. 'Soar-re ye, ' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free. ' 'He's explodin' th'prolotoorio, ' he says. 'Sure, ' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explodethimsilves pretty well, ' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live inluxury while others starve, ' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'rholdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd beth' emancipator iv th' people, ' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th'coffin lid, ' says I. 'Why, ' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, OwgoostSchmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor, ' he says. 'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' societyis freed fr'm th' monsther, ' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it, ' hesays. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator, ' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Annthat I'm a man, ' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name wasRiley. She heard him say it. 'Gus, ' says she, 'if iver I hear iv yeshootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye, ' she says. " "Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day hedisappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aperan' r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin'to cop a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aperwith his pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's overthere now an' his wife is takin' in washin'. " "It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy--vanity an' th' habitskings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents. " "I don't like kings, " said Mr. Hennessy, "but I like arnychists less. They ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught. " "They'll be that, " said Mr. Dooley. "But killin' thim is like wringin'th' neck iv a mickrobe. " ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS "Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th'Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can'tget me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' OrynocooRiver or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried beth' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some daywe'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin whatHogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th'wurruld. " "Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, "if we wait f'r that we mightas well disband our navy. " "I dinnaw about that, " said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw abut that; afther yeleft to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons ivthis misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellowcolleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority overth' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is calledth' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in atunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in ourdegraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye. " "Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats ivlarnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminariesiv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. Atth' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to athoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'ra necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys, ' says th' profissor, 'alltogether. ' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard, 'says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted totake off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine thatI met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: 'Don't makea disturbance, ' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable impressionhere, ' he says, 'Th' English, ' he says, 'niver shows enthusyasm, ' hesays. 'Tis regarded as unpolite, ' he says. 'If ye yell, ' he says, 'they'll think we want to win, ' he says, 'an' we didn't come over hereto win, ' he says. 'Let us show thim, ' he says, 'that we're gintlemen, beit iver so painful, ' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be puttin' mefist in me mouth. " [Illustration] "They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a modeliv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes inCubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undherhim. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiledwhin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, twoinches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer'sspoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovidcounthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frindth' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept upin th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says:'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv Englanddone up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, mefrind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Wellr-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run, ' he says. An' 'Well r-run, whativer colledge ye're fr'm, ' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumpedover a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars. " "Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times hadvicthry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--hadth' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. Itwas thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run offbut th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf, ' he says. 'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'ermanners, ' he says. 'Obsarve. ' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brotherAnglo-Saxon views th' scene, ' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off an'be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm WestNewton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishmanlook like thirty cints. 'Hurroo, ' he says. 'Go on, Harvard, ' he says. 'Go on, ' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah, ' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up, 'he says. 'Harvard!' he says. " "I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped hiseye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Wellr-run, ' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge, ' he says. 'Pull him down, ' hesays. 'Run over him, ' he says. 'Thrip him up, ' he says. 'They can't r-run, ' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim, ' he says. 'Well r-run, ' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts withhis cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there, ' says th' Anglo-Saxon. 'Ifit wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off, ' he says. 'An', 'says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage, ' hesays, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand, ' he says. 'Th' Englishalways cud beat us r-runnin', ' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th'Americans start first an' finishes last, ' says th' Englishman. An' I hadto pull thim apart. " "Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv theirlung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their AlmyMatthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th'riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyancivilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv ourcousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an'noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man. " "Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th'sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry, ' he says, 'to lose me timper, ' he says, 'but, ' he says, 'afther all th' pretindedaffection iv these people f'r us, ' he says, 'an' afther all we've donef'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere, ' he says, 'an' thim sellin' uscoal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd hadth' money, ' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutalEnglishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes, ' he says. 'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane, ' he says. 'If ithadn't been, ' he says, 'that we're united, ' he says, 'be a commonpathrimony, ' he says, 'I'd've had his life, ' he says. 'Ye wud so, ' saysI, 'an' ye're r-right, ' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' r-races with th' same spirit ye show now, ' I says, 'th' English flag'd bedhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass. , 'd bepaintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint, ' I says. 'Whinwe hated th' English, ' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end ina war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim, ' I says. 'Now, 'says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's, ' I says, 'an' whinwe 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us, ' I says. 'They're used to'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other, ' I says. 'Th'on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike, ' I says. 'He was a gr-reatrassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint againhim, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so. '" "But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, Itell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further thanwan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next daywe'll invade Canada. " "We ought to do it, annyhow, " said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. "We wud, " said Mr. Dooley, "if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards. " VOICES FROM THE TOMB "I don't think, " said Mr. Dooley, "that me frind Willum Jennings Bryanis as good an orator as he was four years ago. " "He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know, " said Mr. Dooley. "But I tell ye he'sgone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he comeout in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurrudsye iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsionan' th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I hadto hold on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind thatif it hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'mWestconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will yeiver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell yehere an' now, ' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' quitecounthry graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial lunch-counthers iv Wall street, ' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that man wholooks like a two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena, ' he says, 'I say to mesilf, ye shall not--ye shall not'--what th' divvle is it yeshall not do, Hinnissy?" "Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Right ye ar-re, I forgot, " Mr. Dooley went on. "Well, thim were his ownwurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd beena rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write annylonger f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv hisown head. "But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest ivth' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats, ' he says, 'befuregoin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th'nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me, ' he says, 'an' good luck to me, ' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition itis, ' he says, 'I cannot rayfuse, ' he says. 'I will now lave a subjectthat must be disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'mth' fathers iv th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny, ' he says, 'thoughno shame to th' party, f'r all iv that, ' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, th'sage iv Monticello, says: "Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a sow'sear, " a remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv BinjaminFranklin, th' sage iv Camden, that "th' fartherest way ar-round is th'shortest way acrost. " Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th'ipygram iv Andhrew Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that "a bur-rd in th'hand is worth two in th' bush. " What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' howthey must torture th' prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'lAdams, th' sage iv Salem, says: "Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye, "while Pathrick Hinnery, th' sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that "ye shudalways bet aces befure th' dhraw. " Turnin' farther back into histhry wefind that Brian Boru, th' sage iv Munsther, said: "Cead mille failthé, "an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage iv Waukeesha, says, "Whin ye're in Rome, doth' Romans. " Nebuchedneezar--there's a name f'r ye--th' sage iv I-dinnaw-where, says: "Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it. " Solomon, th'sage iv Sageville, said, "Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins, " an'Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that "A snake in th' grass is worth twoin th' boots. " Ye'll see be this, me good an' thrue frinds, that th'voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' chorus f'r th' ticket yehave nommynated. I will say no more, but on a future occasion, whin I'vebeen down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye what th' sages an' fathersiv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable Association iv Mound-Buildershad to say about th' prisint crisis. '" "'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancestherworshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know iswhat Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle awurrud have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, thoughI don't know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' ivthese times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe innamin' sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose ThomasJefferson was to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a gooddimmycrat up in Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talkover th' issues iv th' day. ' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mareup an' not be kilt be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think hewas crazy an' not murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. But annyhow, suppose he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round atth' latch--f'r they had sthrings on th' dure in thim days--I let him in. Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor--f'r in histime th' dhrink was white--an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an'th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an'gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his headagain' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit--afther that we'dtalk iv the pollytical situation. " "'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well, ' says I, 'it looks as thoughIoway was sure raypublican, ' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?'says he. 'Ioway, ' says I, 'is a state, ' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it, 'says he. 'Faith ye did not, ' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, an' full iv corn an' people, ' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' sayshe. 'Because, ' says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th'Ph'lippeens, ' says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. 'Is it a festival, ' says he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis smallwondher ye don't know, ' says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a yearago, ' I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue, ' says I, 'an' islands, ' saysI, 'an' a public nuisance, ' I says. 'But, ' I says, 'befure we go annyfurther on this subject, ' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, orWestconsin, or Utah, or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'Ido not, ' says he. 'D'ye know that since ye'er death there has growed upon th' shore iv Lake Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like awhistlin' station--a city that has a popylation iv eight million peopletill th' census rayport comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it, ' hesays. 'D'ye know that I can cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; thatif annything doesn't happen in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-fourhours if I care to know; that if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up betillyphone an ye'er wire'd be busy?' I says. 'I do not, ' says ThomasJefferson. 'Thin, ' says I, 'don't presume to advise me, ' I says, 'thatknows these things an' manny more, ' I says. 'An' whin ye go back whereye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest iv th' sages to wondher whethera man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to Boston in a week, tell thim, ' Isays, 'that in their day they r-run a corner grocery an' to-day, ' saysI, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story department store an' puttin' inivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant to a set iv false teeth, ' Isays. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a polisman to show him th' wayhome. " "Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an'Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jeffersonsaid, I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th'days iv open plumbin', ' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf orcall in a journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry, ' Isays. 'An' I'm r-right too, Hinnissy. '" "Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, "those ol' la-ads was level-headed. " "Thrue f'r ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "But undher th' new iliction laws yecan't vote th' cimitries. " _The_ NEGRO PROBLEM "What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be asubjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a har-rd time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be gentlylynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was a blackman, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' neckfr'm th' polisman's club. I wud so. " "I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among hisopprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whinhe's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an'give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music ona banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'yowes him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon tostep out iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an wherehe's been r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooedbe a mob iv abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, which, Hinnissy, is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. "I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twasthrue I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say'twas onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure withanny man f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It'smovin' too fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' th'black man free, an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin'proposition I was kind iv glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grantbate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. I says to mesilf, 'Now, ' I says, 'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r hislife, ' says I, 'an' in due time we may injye him, ' I says. "An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th'occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't goodmoney onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they wasa young la-ad--a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys--that wint to th'public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want tosee in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back tohis grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, hewas as quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' tintlas' week in Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, algybbera, jommethry, chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, I was often har-rd put mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an'his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant. "I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball, ' says I--his name was AndhrewJackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla Hicks, but I called him 'Snowball, ' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye see--Isays to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. 'I'mgoin' to enther th' profission iv law, ' he says, 'where be me acoomanan' industhry I hope, ' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge, ' he says, 'acongrissman, ' he says, 'a sinator, ' he says, 'an' p'rhaps, ' he says, 'aprisidint iv th' United States, ' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to prevint, 'he says. 'Divvle a thing, ' says I. 'Whin we made ye free, ' says I, 'weopened up all these opporchunities to ye, ' says I. 'Go on, ' says I, 'an'enjye th' wealth an' position conferred on ye be th' constitootion, ' Isays. 'On'y, ' I says, 'don't be too free, ' I says. 'Th' freedom iv th'likes iv ye is a good thing an' a little iv it goes a long way, ' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv ye bein' prisidint iv th' United States, ' I says, 'I'll take me whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, projiny iv tar, ' I says, f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin'was sthrong in thim days. "Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' poliscoort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' inraypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. 'Twas years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' leveesmokin' a good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothesthat looked like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch breweran' a pop bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' hesays: 'How dy'e do, Mistah Dooley, ' says he. 'Don't ye know me--MistahHicks?' he says. 'Snowball, ' says I. 'Step inside this dureway, ' says I, 'less Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon, ' Isays. 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?'says I. He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint topractisin' law an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had noassets but their vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke wasthe same as a letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. Th' on'y thing left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrilean' afther he'd got two or three he thought ol' things was th' best an'ye do well to lave bad enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken hecudden't live on his fees an' he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. He r-run 'Th' Colored Supplimint, ' but it was a failure, th' taste ivth' public lanin' more to quadhroon publications, an' no man that owneda resthrant or theaytre or dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemintf'r fear th' subscribers'd see it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimptedto go into pollytics, an' th' best he cud get was carryin' a bucket ivwather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried to larn a thrade an' found th' on'yplace a naygur can larn a thrade is in prison an' he can't wurruk atthat without committin' burglary. He started to take up subscriptionsf'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission was overcrowded. 'Fin'ly, ' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a saloon or gointo th' on'y business, ' he says, 'in which me race has a chanst, ' hesays. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps, ' says he. 'I've opened a palachalimporyium, ' he says, 'where, ' he says, ''twud please me very much, ' hesays, 'me ol' abolitionist frind, ' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in some day, 'he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye, ' he says. ''Tisth' hope iv me people, ' he says. 'We have an even chanst at ivry otherpursoot, ' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' best ivit, ' he says. " "So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye?Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I thinkif th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted SthreetOpry House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all brokeup about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this hereliquor store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twaslike tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar. " "Well, they got to take their chances, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye can't doannything more f'r thim than make thim free. " "Ye can't, " said Mr. Dooley; "on'y whin ye tell thim they're free theyknow we're on'y sthringin' thim. " _The_ AMERICAN STAGE "I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used togo down wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'rth' amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often hada seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, butbecause I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, that Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerdwhin I was a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that nomatther where I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleevesargyin' with wan iv his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin'th' kind iv love ye wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th'little bur-rd cage they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanstknowed a man be th' name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that Icud niver get mesilf to th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains thatother people agreed was manny miles in th' distance was in no danger ivbein' rubbed off th' map be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal char-ackters. An' I always had me watch out to time th' moon whin' twasshoved acrost th' sky an' th' record breakin' iv day in th' robbers'cave where th' robbers don't dare f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fearthey'll stave it in. If day iver broke on th' level th' way it does onth' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads out iv what Hogan calls th'firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' dhramatic delusion an' he mustbe r-right f'r ye can't make me believe that twinty years has elapsedwhin I know that I've on'y had time to pass th' time iv day with th'bartinder nex' dure. "Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a fullstatement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out an'thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th'outcome. I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money orme lithograph pass back afther th' first act. "Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindendforemost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's 'Bookiv Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll beprojooced be Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'OnabridgeDitchnry' will be brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherdthousan' char-ackters. Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce)be Willum McKinley is r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybratedthradeejan Aggynaldoo as th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' lastact they'se a naygur lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an'Ensilage, a story f'r boys, ' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an'will follow it with a dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture, ' a farmplay. 'Th' Familiar Lies iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th'provinces an' Hostetter's Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstandth' bible'll be r-ready f'r th' stage undher th'direction iv Einsteinan' Opperman befure th' first iv th' year. Some changes has beenniciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th'authors has become convinced that Adam an' Eve must be carrid throughth' whole play, so they have considerably lessened th' time between th'creation an' th' flood an' have made Adam an English nobleman with ashady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch count in love with Eve. They'rerescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who has a comic naygur son. " "I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it'sSappho's an' th' like iv that, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, it isn't what it used to be, " said Mr. Dooley, "in th' days whin'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutchesiv th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at th'Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv avillain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used toheave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th'Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be anEnglishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committedas many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in Englandhe'd be a hero. Ye marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th'races an' ye quarrel with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hardcracks be all th' char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is calledrepartee be th' learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole ahorse' an' ye say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tiscalled disordherly conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runsoff with a woman that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates heran' she marries a burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinnerwith a German. He bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thinthey'se a play about an English gintleman iv th' old school who thriesto make a girl write a letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell onher. He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, an honest English girl out f'r th' money. " "Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol'times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin'f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' herowith th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th'play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centheriv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'rme I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th'cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink muchwhile th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats. " "Why don't they play Shakespere any more?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I undherstand, " said Mr. Dooley, "that they're goin' to dhramatizeShakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th'Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900. '" TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE "I wisht th' campaign was over, " said Mr. Dooley. "I wisht it'd begin, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I niver knew annything sodead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' wardan' its less thin two months to th' big day. " "'Twill liven up, " said Mr. Dooley, "I begin to see signs iv th' goodtimes comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfeltopened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that beexplainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those thatwudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befuremanny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mackthough a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrelsiver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicretyiv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver isnot convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, an'th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th'onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open upth' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs, misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar. Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor beth' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithoughtagytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him todo nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through th'postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office inAggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote toWillum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th'Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin'in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner tohold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv aletther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that hissister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stablein Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'dwithdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba. " "Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see beth' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryanan' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyondollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read thatChairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Walesto Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' toth' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycraticheadquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamyan' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm longterm criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r WillumJennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime. " "In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether ivthe candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin'dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own timeth' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boyBurchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan ivhis thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an'congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An', ' hesays, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r aMcKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidintan' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper, ' he says. Mark Hannarings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'mGeorge Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes sir. ''An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist atPattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands ivth' tyepwriter. ' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have adillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th'pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befureiliction. '" "I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees adilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin'leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank yef'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye haveremarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an'tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it. ' With which he bounds intoth' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down toa costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn'tbeen quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin'all the girl babies at birth. " "No, 'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th'game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. WillumJennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th'company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead, ' at th' Lincoln Gran' OpryHouse. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkeywrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt markedwith th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' ascuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how muchth' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like LydiaPinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted leaderswears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las'photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat menretirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyitsbefure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanentlyth' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What araylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'yth' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf ivth' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanstmore, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th' ciderfacthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoonundisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther ilictionI'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint. " "An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?" Mr. Hennessyasked. "Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hearannythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th'naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board. " A BACHELOR'S LIFE "It's always been a wondher to me, " said Mr. Hennessy, "ye nivermarrid. " "It's been a wondher to manny, " Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. "Maybe ifI'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything againyou an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th'father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' daywhin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack ivopportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time waswhin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rcheyr-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny awan. " "Ah, well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "I was but jokin' ye. " His tone mollifiedhis friend, who went on: "To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison Iniver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv anixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect asiligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' LincolnPark f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachralmodesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with mean' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' th'pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved an'parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man thatwud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm th'snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. Amarrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist an'anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that'skeepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. "Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th'other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run ivprops. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty MaidMilkin' th' Cow, ' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin Ibought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay, ' an' 'Howd'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin', ' an''Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' youngladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead. ' I was th' pop'lar idol, yemight say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnican' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th'pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in mepocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time. '" "Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundahan' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' allkinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked downon account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' ivbein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposedto each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eyeI'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: 'Thatthere Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, don't yethink so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be dhrivin' an icewagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' tip iv me nosein th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate farewell. An'so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a philandhrerf'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. I like thimall, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But ye'll find mephotygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan livery stable. " "I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly tolave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; thatmakes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' yethink he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twasth' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th'house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyonsin a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if itwasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet ladyat home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patientlyf'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymitein somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissorcomes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an'most iv it is. "But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' heretogether an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r agood time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint ofhis marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go tosee him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminaldhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th'dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin yebegin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an'fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallophome. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an'afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razoredge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes torassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs meniver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past twoo'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in th' mornin'another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's rayturned fr'mth' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's spint hervacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head may soundin his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make his kneesthremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop, an' hiven helphis helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an' puttin' acoopoly on his house. " "But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th'sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch an'Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clockbegins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire itthrough th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv humanintillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eighto'clock, ' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th'evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight'son'y a number, ' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin', ' says I. " "They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an'sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished, ' I says. 'Tisilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been hereto pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r anotheryear. " "A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets th'sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th'ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th'afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' upan' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his headan' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness. " "But th' childher?" asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. "Childher!" said Mr. Dooley. "Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm endto end. " "An' none iv ye'er own, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I wish to hell, Hinnissy, " said Mr. Dooley savagely, "ye'd not leanagainst that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again. " THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about thedifficulty of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at theage of six was at the point where the family must decide his career. "'Tis a big question, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' wan that seems to beworryin' th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed f'rth' priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that th'chances was in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th'edycation iv th' child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talksin his sleep. 'Tis th' fine lawyer he'll make. ' Or, 'Did ye notice himadmirin' that photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist. ' Or, 'Look athim fishin' in Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r abanker. ' Or, 'I'm afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. Hemust go into th' church. ' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twillnot be long befure th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th'infant: 'Judge Pathrick Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District ivIllinye, ' or 'Profissor P. Aloysius Hinnissy, LL. D. , S. T. D. , P. G. N. , ivth' faculty iv Nothre Dame. ' Th' innocent child in his cradle, wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' where he got such funny lookin'parents fr'm, has thim to blame that brought him into th' wurruld if hedayvilops into a sicond story man befure he's twinty-wan an' is took upbe th' polis. Why don't you lade Packy down to th' occylist an' have himfitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? Why don't ye put goloshes on him, givehim a blue umbrelly an' call him a doctor at wanst an' be done with it?" "To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th'future iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn'tto know till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as if'twas a summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv apinitinchry where they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-adI was put at me ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behindth' hedge an' me head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Nowth' first thing we larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses ivour naytion is waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. We'd be much betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's whatthey need in life. " "I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call aKindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a Germanknows is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is a certy-ficate that he don't need to think anny more. But we've inthrajooced itinto this counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud injooceRafferry, th' Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r to vote f'rRiordan--an' he's goin' to--I dhropped in on Cassidy's daughter, MaryEllen, an' see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was settin' ar-round onth' flure an' some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud an' wipin' theirhands on their hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a goat out ivpaste-board an' some was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' a few wasdancin' an' wan la-ad was pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why don't yetake th' coal shovel to that little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' says I. 'Wedon't believe in corporeal punishment, ' says she. 'School shud be madepleasant f'r th' childher, ' she says. 'Th' child who's hair is bein'pulled is larnin' patience, ' she says, 'an' th' child that's pullin' th'hair is discovrin' th' footility iv human indeavor, ' says she. 'Well, oh, well, ' says I, 'times has changed since I was a boy, ' I says. 'Putthim through their exercises, ' says I. 'Tommy, ' says I, 'spell cat, ' Isays. 'Go to th' divvle, ' says th' cheerub. 'Very smartly answered, 'says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim to spell, ' she says. 'They don'tlarn that till they get to colledge, ' she says, 'an'' she says, 'sometimes not even thin, ' she says. 'An' what do they larn?' says I. 'Rompin', ' she says, 'an' dancin', ' she says, 'an' indepindance ivspeech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to make home home-like, ' she says. 'Well, ' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv thim things atcolledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim, ' I says. 'I won't put thimthrough anny exercise today, ' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen, ' says I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's ivFreebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that, ' she says. 'But I'm goin' tobe marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond ivJanooary, ' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to aska few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an', ' she says, 'stew thimover a slow fire, ' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy. " "Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked f'rlarnin' in th' back yard--that is squashin' mud with their hands--they're conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful thoughttill they're r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' tidiesinto son's bag, an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble with th'landlord, an' th' la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not sthrongenough to look f'r high honors as a middle weight pugilist he goes intoth' thought departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish room, gives him a cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special branch ivlarnin' wud ye like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint profissors?We have a chair iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry on th'Changin' Hues iv the Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' wan onNonsense Rhymes, an' wan on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green Growsth' Grass, an' wan on' th' Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv God, ' hesays. 'This is all ye'll need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, onless, 'he says, 'ye intind bein' a dintist, in which case, ' he says, 'we won'tthink much iv ye, but we have a good school where ye can larn thatdisgraceful thrade, ' he says. An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' ivrymornin' whin he's up in time he takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes offto hear Profissor Maryanna tell him that 'if th' dates iv humanknowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how much more must they besubjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our thoughts fixed uponth' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' onthinkable truth withth' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re ye with me?'" "That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there'sth' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th'best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroadconsolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young menf'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I knowf'r th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on ilictionday. He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, an' Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wudlisten to lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've alwaysfelt we needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't getwalkin' home in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn'tstart with bein' hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledgewhere these studies are taught, its undhershtud that even betther thingettin' th' civic ideel is bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble withth' coorse is that whin Packy comes out loaded with loftiness ivpurpose, all th' lofts is full iv men that had to figure it out on th'farm. " "I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin', " said Mr. Hennesy. "No more do I, " said Mr. Dooley. "But I believe 'tis as Father Kellysays: 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how tolarn. I don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant tothim. ' 'Tis thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud makeuse iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'--an'--grammar an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane Ihave nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twasth' bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th'meanin' iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, thatmade th' man iv me ye see befure ye. " "That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy, " said Hennessy. "Go home, " said Mr. Dooley. "L'AIGLON" "Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day, " saidMr. Dooley. "'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they playeddown in th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th'big nose, that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This wanis called 'The Little Eagle, ' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th'Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight aboutin Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to thatman, he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he hadhardly wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm avethran iv th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. "But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left ason that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol'man bein' on th' island--th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be muchaccount havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but downundherneath he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befurehim, d'ye mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin'a bad cold on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don'tlike th' idee iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whinhe asks: 'Where's pah?' They say: 'He died in jail. ' 'What happened in1805?' says th' boy. 'In 1805, ' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blewdown. ' 'In 1806?' says th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked. ' 'Not so, 'says th' prince. 'In 1806 me father crossed th' Rhine an' up, ' he says, 'th' ar-rmed camps he marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. He changed his boots at Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped onMarcobrun, ' he says. 'Me gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, but dad stayed not till gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's whatme father done unto me gran'dad in eighteen six. ' At this p'int hecoughs but ye sees he knew what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret bea lady iv th' stage fr'm whom manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about hisfather. "Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship onaccount iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'rsome clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, an'has come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th'vacancy. 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, Impror?' says th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. "'Two hips, ' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that"?' he says. "'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. AllParis awaits ye, sire. '" "'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this, ' says th' boy. 'An' fillout th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'" "'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchiefpocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Makethat twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven, ' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'rye, ' he says. "'Proof, ' says th' la-ad. "'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, afive cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dishchristened f'r ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' hesays. "'No, sind th' bill to me mother, ' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th'park at tin, ' he says. "So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'. " "Why's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis stoppedit. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a parkpolisman. They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' placewhich was where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands therecoughin' he begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. 'Comrade' says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand. ' 'I can't, ' says another. 'Ihaven't wan left. ' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me. ' 'I've lost me voice. ''Me mind is shot away. ' 'Reach me some wather. ' 'Pass th' can. ' 'A horseis settin' on me chest. ' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery onme. ' 'I've broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg. ' 'Curseson the Cavalry. ' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me. ''Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. ' 'Veev, th' Impror. ' 'Right about face, shouldher ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March. ' A harsh, metallicvoice in the distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, sooz-officers, an' men--. ' 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his soordan' says he: 'Come on, let's fight. Play away there band. Blow fife andbanners wave. Lave me at thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes out an'makes a stab at an Austhreech regimint that's come up to be dhrilled. Thin he undherstands 'twas all a dhream with him an' he raysumes his ol'job. In th' next act he dies. " "That's a good act, " said Mr. Hennessy. "'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybodycomes in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Comeon over an see Harrigan jump off. ' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r togo out ivry body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th'Horse Show. Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol'loon, this Marie Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though betweenyou an' me, Father Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Improrhavin' a wife livin' that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhowshe was there. She hadn't done much f'r her son, but she come to see himoff with siv'ral ladies that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an'fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she calledhim 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'--'twas aname beginnin' with 'f' she knew that--but he f'rgive her an' astsomewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-readabout th' time I was christened, ' says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads:'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv th'followin' princes--, ' 'Cut out th' princes, ' says th' la-ad. 'An' kings--' 'F'rget th' kings, ' says th' lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror--' 'He'sdead, ' says th' doctor. 'Put on his white soot, ' says th' Main Thingamong th' Austhreeches that was again him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' thereye ar-re. " "Is that all?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "That's all, " said Mr. Dooley. "He died?" "He did. " "But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end. " "He was that. None sthronger. " "An' what?" asked Mr. Hennessy, "did they do with th' soot iv clothes heordhered fr'm th' tailor?" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtableclothes. * * * * * Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. * * * * * If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all aftherfifty. * * * * * As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be falseto ivry man. * * * * * Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. * * * * * Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. * * * * * Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin'back in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin'remarks iv th' mourners. * * * * * A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knewth' facts iv th' case. * * * * * A millionyaire--or man out iv debt--wanst tol' me his dhreams alwaystook place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' dhreamin'iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. * * * * * 'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out ivth' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. * * * * * A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th'lawn. * * * * * No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. * * * * * Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jawth' people. ' * * * * * I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. * * * * * A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. * * * * * I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an injunction. * * * * * An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. * * * * * What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. * * * * * All th' wurruld loves a lover--excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th'wurruld to him. * * * * * A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan ivth' Swiss bell-ringers. * * * * * Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't liketo have mintioned. * * * * * If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. * * * * * It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th'courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want tobut because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is waniv Nature's noblemen. * * * * * An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th'blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler thatdoes as he dam pleases an' blames th' people. * * * * * 'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'ra poor man to get out iv Purgatory. * * * * * Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. * * * * * Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulderI get a crick in me neck. * * * * * Thrust ivrybody--but cut th' ca-ards. * * * * * If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. * * * * * Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th'Passyfic. * * * * * A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. * * * * * Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. * * * * * If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. * * * * * A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called aloonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be aniliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. * * * * * Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical ideesbefure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. * * * * * Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an earlydecline. * * * * * A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. * * * * * People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to knowmesilf? * * * * * People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shymen thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'mspoken man that's mashed on himsilf. * * * * * If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thimwhin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elopeor embezzle? * * * * * Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Othersdon't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. * * * * * A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' "Larceny is th' sincerest formiv flatthry. " * * * * * Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th'confissional. * * * * * Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classedas cannybals. * * * * * I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faithcure. * * * * * Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyonnewspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet. * * * * * All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows itclearer thin others. * * * * * I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' asthrenuseless life. * * * * * I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelistswrites about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. * * * * * I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. * * * * * Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th'duck. * * * * * Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't knowwhat our own wives thinks iv us.