Mr. DOOLEY

IN PEACE AND IN WAR

[Illustration]

BostonSmall, Maynard & Company1899

Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago JournalCopyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company

First Edition (10, 000 copies) November, 1898Second Edition (10, 000 copies) December, 1898Third Edition (10, 000 copies) January, 1899

Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U. S. A. 

TO W. H. TURNER

PREFACE. 

Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly cityto the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunityto call the city "urbs in horto. " Somewhere between the two--that is tosay, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far fromthe polis station--lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy. 

There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turnedback from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road, have nearly exhausted the original population, --not driven them out asthey drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears, but edged them out with the more biting weapons of moderncivilization, --overworked and under-eaten them into more languidsurroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blastfurnaces of the rolling-mill. 

But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the ArcheyRoad. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland, from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisyElizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisitevariations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with thedifference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders andsulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also youcan see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and theother fêtes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened byAmerican usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. Onthe eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookiesplay thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that MalachiDempsey was called "by the other people, " and disappeared west of thetracks, and never came back. 

A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple liketh' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whinth' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butlerwr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' allye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon'stud. An' 'tis so. "

The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed, encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrainedfrom the immoral pursuit of office. 

The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the worldare these friends of Mr. Dooley, --knowing and innocent; moral, butgiving no heed at all to patented political moralities. 

Among them lives and prospers the traveller, archæologist, historian, social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has notbeen out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict. " He reads thenewspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all theyprint for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against hislogic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterruptedby the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passingshow, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to thedesensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm. 

"There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rcheyRoad, " says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th'sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is thatgr-reat ye can't think. "

He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for hehas mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leadinga prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that heowns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on hislicense. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr. Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight, an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five. " Mr. Dooley says Mr. Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark, "I'm old enough to know betther. " He has served his country withdistinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of hisprecinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk ofnominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he waspersonally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of thecentral committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a manof Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the politicalsituation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he hasresolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His earlyexperience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics, " hesays, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an'pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it. " Again he remarks, "AsShakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward. '"

An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few ofthe more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. Forpermission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due toMr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago _Journal_, and to Mr. Dooley'sconstant friend, Mr. H. H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago _Evening Post_. 

F. P. D. 

CONTENTS. 

MR. DOOLEY IN WAR PAGE

ON DIPLOMACY 1

ON WAR PREPARATIONS 6

ON FITZ-HUGH LEE 10

ON MULES AND OTHERS 14

ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE 20

ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS 25

ON STRATEGY 30

ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION 34

ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY 39

ON THE PHILIPPINES 43

ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY 48

ON THE ANGLO-SAXON 53

ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT 58

ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES 63

ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET 68

ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW 73

ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT 77

ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY 81

ON THE HERO IN POLITICS 87

MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE

ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 95

ON GOLD-SEEKING 100

ON BOOKS 105

ON REFORM CANDIDATES 111

ON PATERNAL DUTY 118

ON CRIMINALS 124

ON A PLOT 130

ON THE NEW WOMAN 136

ON EXPERT TESTIMONY 141

ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN 146

ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL 152

ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH 158

ON THE POWER OF LOVE 165

ON THE VICTORIAN ERA 170

ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION 175

ON POLITICAL PARADES 181

ON CHARITY 187

ON NANSEN 192

ON A POPULIST CONVENTION 197

ON A FAMILY REUNION 202

ON A FAMOUS WEDDING 208

ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY 213

ON ORATORY IN POLITICS 218

ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 223

ON ANARCHISTS 229

ON THE DREYFUS CASE 234

ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE 239

ON THE INDIAN WAR 245

ON GOLF 249

ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER 255

MR. DOOLEY IN WAR

ON DIPLOMACY. 

"I'll explain it to ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, thishere Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him. A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ardsthat ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's beenthrough manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic, where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads, 'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat. F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he'stackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'mMitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tailpockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up againGladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian, --hisname's got away from me, --an' he's done thim all. 

"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without acustomer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seizeth' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes ama-an fr'm th' counthry, --a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in hishand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to getout iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larnednot to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn'toffer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got sohe can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a backsummersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon. They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back toCanton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot timehe's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer Housebarber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city. 

"An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ardsidly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner ivhis eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw, ' an' thanks hiven f'r th'law that has a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Cantonthinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes hecan't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to hischest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye seeit ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent. He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make himlook foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whinit comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' countson him till his ar-rm is sore. "

"Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr. Hennessy. 

"Lord knows, " said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it didwith two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headedman be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden'sgrove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-anwurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave mehave some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shellivry time. ' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' hewint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell asplain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he leftth' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all ivO'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r todecide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in. 'An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'dlost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was hisgame. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid itover to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thimmatcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rdye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis comear-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds. "

ON WAR PREPARATIONS

"Well, " Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"

"Splendid, thank ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rtthrob with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard. "

"Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"

"Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wanhundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'm th' Gussie, with tinthousand cannons hurlin' projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd poundssivinteen miles. Winsdah night a second ar-rmy iv injineers, miners, plumbers, an' lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four hundherd an'eighty thousand men, ar-rmed with death-dealin' canned goods, washurried to Havana to storm th' city. 

"Thursdah mornin' three thousand full rigimints iv r-rough r-riders swumtheir hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a spirited battlecaptured th' Rainy Christiny golf links, two up an' hell to play, an'will hold thim again all comers. Th' same afthernoon th' reg'larcavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mountedmen, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J. , and departed on their earned ivdeath amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind atChickamaha. These cav'lry'll co-operate with Commodore Schlow; an' whinhe desthroys th' Spanish fleet, as he does ivry Sundah an' holy dayexcept in Lent, an' finds out where they ar-re an' desthroys thim, afther batterin' down th' forts where they ar-re con-cealed so that hecan't see thim, but thinks they ar-re on their way f'r to fight CousinGeorge Dooley, th' cav'lry will make a dash back to Tampa, where Gin'ralMiles is preparin' to desthroy th' Spanish at wan blow, --an' he's th'boy to blow. 

"The gin'ral arrived th' other day, fully prepared f'r th' bloody wurrukiv war. He had his intire fam'ly with him. He r-rode recklessly intocamp, mounted on a superb specyal ca-ar. As himsilf an' Uncle MikeMiles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years, dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheersbe eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'rtheir counthry. Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful that no news isallowed to go out; but I have it fr'm th' specyal corryspondint ivMesilf, Clancy th' Butcher, Mike Casey, an' th' City Direchtry thatGin'ral Miles instantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where he made hisplans f'r cr-rushin' th' Spanyards at wan blow. He will equip th' ar-rmywith blow-guns at wanst. His uniforms ar-re comin' down in specyal steelprotected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where they've been kept f'r ayear. He has ordhered out th' gold resarve f'r to equip his staff, numberin' eight thousan' men, manny iv whom ar-re clubmen; an', as soonas he can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush th' Spanish with wanblow. Th' purpose iv th' gin'ral is to permit no delay. Decisive actionis demanded be th' people. An', whin th' hot air masheens has been sintto th' front, Gin'ral Miles will strike wan blow that'll be th' damdestblow since th' year iv th' big wind in Ireland. 

"Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions in th' cabinet; but they don't amount tonawthin'. Th' Sicrety iv War is in favor iv sawin' th' Spanish ar-rmyinto two-be-four joists. Th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury has a scheme f'rroonin' thim be lindin' thim money. Th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wants to suethim befure th' Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've heerd that th'Prisident is arrangin' a knee dhrill, with th' idee iv prayin' th'villyans to th' divvil. But these diff'rences don't count. We're all wanpeople, an' we look to Gin'ral Miles to desthroy th' Spanish with wanblow. Whin it comes, trees will be lifted out be th' roots. MorroCastle'll cave in, an' th' air'll be full iv Spanish whiskers. A longblow, a sthrong blow, an' a blow all together. "

"We're a gr-reat people, " said Mr. Hennessy, earnestly. 

"We ar-re, " said Mr. Dooley. "We ar-re that. An' th' best iv it is, weknow we ar-re. "

ON FITZ-HUGH LEE. 

"Iv coorse, he's Irish, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' Fitz-Hughs an' th'McHughs an' th' McKeoughs is not far apart. I have a cousin be th' nameiv McKeough, an' like as not th' gin'ral is a relation iv mine. "

"If I was you, I'd write him an' see, " said Mr. Hennessy. "He's agr-reat ma-an. "

"He is so, " said Mr. Dooley. "He is that. Wan iv th' gr-reatest. An' whyshudden't he be with thim two names? They'se pothry in both iv thim. Fitz-Hugh Lee! Did ye iver see a pitcher iv him? A fat ma-an, with ahead like a football an' a neck big enough to pump blood into his brainan' keep it fr'm starvin'. White-haired an' r-red-faced. Th' kind ivma-an that can get mad in ivry vein in his body. Whin he's hot, I bet yehis face looks like a fire in a furniture facthry. Whin a ma-an goespale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife in th' back. But, whin he flamesup so that th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look out f'r hand an'feet an' head an' coupling pins an' rapid-firin' guns. Fitz can be ca'mwhin they'se annything to be ca'm about, but he can't wait. If he was awaiter, he'd be wurrukin' at th' thrade. Look at th' jaw iv him! It'slike a paving block. 

"Does Fitz believe in di-plomacy? Not him. He sets there in his officein Havana, smokin' a good see-gar, an' a boy comes in an' tells himthey've jugged an American citizen. He jams his hat down on his eyes, an' r-rushes over to where Gin'ral Blanco has his office. 'Look here, 'says he, 'ye pizenous riptile, ' he says, 'if ye don't lave mecounthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch, ' hesays, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corneriv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge, ' he says. 'Lave us debate this, 'says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll giveye a slap, ' he says. 'R-run over an' wake up th' loot at th' station, an' let thim Americans out, or, ' he says, 'we'll go to the flure, ' hesays. 

"That's Fitz. He's ca'm, an' he waits part iv th' time. That's whin he'sasleep. But, as soon as his eyes opins, his face begins to flare up likewan iv thim r-round stoves in a woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood isthrun in. An' fr'm that time on till he's r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleeppeaceful an' quite, --not like a lamb full iv vigetable food, but like aline that's wur-rked ha-ard an' et meat, --he niver stops rampin' an'ragin'. Ye don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th' sthruggle. Ye don'tr-read iv him missin' anny meals. No one fears that Fitz will break downundher th' suspinse. That ain't in th' breed. He's another kind iv aman. He hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid. He needs food, an'he has it; an' he needs sleep, an' he takes it; an' he needs fightin', an' he gets it. That's Fitz. They ain't such a lot iv diff'rence betweenth' bravest man in the wurruld an' th' cow'rdliest. Not such a lot. Itain't a question iv morality, Hinnissy. I've knowed men that wint tochurch ivry Sundah an' holyday reg'lar, an' give to th' poor an' lovedtheir neighbors, an' they wudden't defind their wives against amurdherer. An' I've knowed th' worst villyuns on earth that'd die intheir thracks to save a stranger's child fr'm injury. 'Tis a question ivhow th' blood is pumped. Whin a man shows th' sthrain, whin he gets thinan' pale an' worrid in th' time f'r fightin', he's mighty near a cow'rd. But, whin his face flames an' his neck swells an' his eyes look like acouple iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd lead a forlorn hopeacrost th' battlemints iv hell. "

ON MULES AND OTHERS

"I see, " said Mr. Dooley, "th' first gr-reat land battle iv th' war hasbeen fought. "

"Where was that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, in great excitement. "Lord saveus, but where was that?"

"Th' Alger gyards, " said Mr. Dooley, "bruk fr'm th' corral where theyhad thim tied up, atin' thistles, an' med a desp'rate charge on th' campat Tampa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th' astonishedthroops before thim, an' thin charged back again, completin' theirearned iv desthruction. At th' las' account th' brave sojers wasclimbin' threes an' tillygraft poles, an' a rig'mint iv mules waskickin' th' pink silk linin' out iv th' officers' quarthers. Th' gallantmules was led be a most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undhersthud that mefrind Mack will appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he canfind out who his father is. 'Tis too bad he'll have no childher toperpituate th' fame iv him. He wint through th' camp at th' head iv histhroops iv mules without castin' a shoe. He's th' biggest jackass inTampa to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor; an' I doubt if they'se a biggerwan in Wash'n'ton, though I cud name a few that cud thry a race withhim. Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whinthey see wan, an' they see a good manny in that peaceful city. 

"Th' charge iv Tampa'll go into histhry as th' first land action iv th'war. An', be th' way, Hinnissy, if this here sociable is f'r to go on atth' prisint rate, I'm sthrong to ar-rm th' wild ar-rmy mules an' theunbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a chanst to set Cubafree. Up to this time th' on'y hero kilt on th' Spanish side was ajackass that poked an ear above th' batthries at Matoonzas f'r to hearwhat was goin' on. 'Behold, ' says Sampson, 'th' insolince iv th' foe, 'he says. 'For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction atyon Castilyan gin'ral. ' 'Wait, ' says an officer. 'It may be wan iv ourown men. It looks like th' Sicrety iv'--'Hush!' says th' commander. 'Itcan't be an American jackass, or he'd speak, ' he says. 'Fire on him. 'Shot afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass; but he remained firm tillth' dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousandpounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the poor crather was smothered todeath. Now, says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst, an' we'll have noneed iv wastin' ammun-ni-tion. Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end ivCuba to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out iv ivry stuffed Spanishgin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be no loss ivlife. Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured ivth' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is wellqualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders onth' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleetsthat a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffinghimsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leadersthrough th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud togit ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' MorroCastle befure night. 

"Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders. As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble iswith th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this waras it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man, 'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'erdhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile, dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'mWashin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't maneannything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, canundherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost twohundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars inSandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to previntfive Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don'ttumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines atGuanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hottamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would becrippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' newbriga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to hisnurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is toth' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfectundherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need whatHogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'mules begins to move. "

"I shud think, " said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun tobe onaisy"--

"We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll bestampeded?" Mr. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear. They're too near th'fodder. "

ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE. 

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, in tones of chastened joy: "Dewey didn't do athing to thim. I hope th' poor la-ad ain't cooped up there inMinneapolis. "

"Niver fear, " said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "Cousin George is all r-right. "

"Cousin George?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. 

"Sure, " said Mr. Dooley. "Dewey or Dooley, 'tis all th' same. We dhrop aletter here an' there, except th' haitches, --we niver dhrop thim, --butwe're th' same breed iv fightin' men. Georgy has th' thraits iv th'fam'ly. Me uncle Mike, that was a handy man, was tol' wanst he'd be sintto hell f'r his manny sins, an' he desarved it; f'r, lavin' out th' wansin iv runnin' away fr'm annywan, he was booked f'r ivrything frommurdher to missin' mass. 'Well, ' he says, 'anny place I can get into, 'he says, 'I can get out iv, ' he says. 'Ye bet on that, ' he says. 

"So it is with Cousin George. He knew th' way in, an' it's th' same wayout. He didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin' along with th'can undher his coat. He left Ding Dong, or whativer 'tis ye call it, an'says he, 'Thank Gawd, ' he says, 'I'm where no man can give me his ideesiv how to r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war, ' he says. An' so hesint a man down in a divin' shute, an' cut th' cables, so's Mackcudden't chat with him. Thin he prances up to th' Spanish forts, an'hands thim a few oranges. Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbillsf'r a circus. 'Take that, ' he says, 'an' raymimber th' Maine, ' he says. An' he goes into th' harbor, where Admiral What-th'-'ell is, an', sayshe, 'Surrinder, ' he says. 'Niver, ' says th' Dago. 'Well, ' says CousinGeorge, 'I'll just have to push ye ar-round, ' he says. An' he tosses afew slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bowan' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we wasattackted, ' he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with greatcourage, ' he says. 'Our victhry is complete, ' he says. 'We have lostivrything we had, ' he says. 'Th' threachrous foe, ' he says, 'aftherdestroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow, ' he says; 'but nawthin'daunted us. What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered, ' hesays. 'I cannot write no more, ' he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire, 'he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel toanother, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine, ' he says. 'If Ican save me coat-tails, ' he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says. 'Long live Spain, long live mesilf. '

"Well, sir, in twinty-eight minyits be th' clock Dewey he had all th'Spanish boats sunk, an' that there harbor lookin' like a Spanish stew. Thin he r-run down th' bay, an' handed a few war-rm wans into th' town. He set it on fire, an' thin wint ashore to war-rm his poor hands an'feet. It chills th' blood not to have annything to do f'r an hour ormore. "

"Thin why don't he write something?" Mr. Hennessy demanded. 

"Write?" echoed Mr. Dooley. "Write? Why shud he write? D'ye think CousinGeorge ain't got nawthin' to do but to set down with a fountain pen, an'write: 'Dear Mack, --At 8 o'clock I begun a peaceful blockade iv thistown. Ye can see th' pieces ivrywhere. I hope ye're injyin' th' samegr-reat blessin'. So no more at prisint. Fr'm ye'ers thruly, GeorgeDooley. ' He ain't that kind. 'Tis a nice day, an' he's there smokin' agood tin-cint see-gar, an' throwin' dice f'r th' dhrinks. He don't carewhether we know what he's done or not. I'll bet ye, whin we come to findout about him, we'll hear he's ilicted himself king iv th' F'lip-ineIslands. Dooley th' Wanst. He'll be settin' up there undher a pa'm-threewith naygurs fannin' him an' a dhrop iv licker in th' hollow iv hisar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin ortwinty minyits some wan bringin' a prisoner in. 'Who's this?' says KingDooley. 'A Spanish gin'ral, ' says th' copper. 'Give him a typewriteran' set him to wurruk, ' says th' king. 'On with th' dance, ' he says. An'afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game, he'll write home an' sayhe's got the islands; an' he'll tur-rn thim over to th' gover'mint an'go back to his ship, an' Mark Hanna'll organize th' F'lip-ine IslandsJute an' Cider Comp'ny, an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish they hadn't. That's what'll happen. Mark me wurrud. "

ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS. 

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "I didn't vote f'r Mack, but I'm with himnow. I had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest military janius ivth' cinchry, but they'se no question about it. We go into this war, ifwe iver do go into it, with th' most fash'n-able ar-rmy that ivercreased its pants. 'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool foe. 

"Other gin'rals iv th' r-rough-house kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, th'impror iv th' Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S. Grant, an' Cousin George Dooley, hired coarse, rude men that wudden't know th' diff'rence between golufan' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobaccobe th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likesiv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee intothimsilves fr'm a saucer. 

"Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master WillieDooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army, ' says he. 'Admit him, ' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be hisval-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie, 'says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tisnic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported beye'er pah an' mah, ' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing, ' he says, 'ifsome day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him sayto thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hatan' tan shoes. " Let us begin th' examination, ' he says. 'Ar-re ye a goodgoluf player?' 'I am, ' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. Whatwe need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players, ' he says. 'In our formerwar, ' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn'tknow th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what wasth' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run, ' he says. 'Ar-re yea mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four, ' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye amajor, ' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England, 'says Willie. 'Gloryous, ' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel, ' he says. 'Let me thry ye in tactics, ' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be aSpanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd weara stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants, ' saysWillie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhressshoot, an' go out to meet thim, ' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer, ' saysMcKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd soundth' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back, ' he says, 'to suitable appar'l, ' he says. 'Masterly, ' says McKinley. 'I will sindye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral, ' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'r-rich, ' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic, ' he says. 'Ye will jine th'other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa, ' he says. 'Ye shud be careful ivye'er equipment, ' he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready, ' saysWillie. 'Me man attinded to thim details, ' he says. 'But I fear I can'tgo to th' fr-ront immejetly, ' he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn'tarrived, ' he says. 'Well, ' says Mack, ' 'wait f'r thim, ' he says. 'I'manxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war, ' he says, 'which has cost me mannya sleepy night, ' he says; 'but 'twud be a crime f'r to sind a sojeronprepared to battle, ' he says. 'Wait f'r th' pijammas, ' he says. 'Thinon to war, ' he says; 'an' let ye'er watchword be, "Raymimber ye'ermanners, "' he says. 

"'They'se a man out here, ' says th' privit sicrity, 'that wants to seeye, ' he says. 'He's a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th' Soowar, ' he says. 'His name is Gin'ral Fiteum, ' he says. 'Throw th' stiffout, ' says Mack. 'I seen him in Pinnsylvania Avnoo yisterdah, r-ridin'in a sthreet ca-ar, ' he says. 'Ah, Willie, me boy, ' he says, ''tislittle ye know what throuble I have fr'm these vulgar sojers with pantsthat bags at th' knees. Give me a goold-tipped cigareet, an' tell mewhether shirt waists is much worn in New York this year. '

"Yis, Hinnissy, we'll put th' tastiest ar-rmy in th' field that ivercome out iv a millinery shop. 'Right dhress!' will be an ordher that'llmean somethin'. Th' ar-rmy'll be followed be specyal correspondints fr'mButthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar; an', if our brave boys don'tgore an' pleat th' inimy, 'twill be because th' inimy'll be r-rudeenough to shoot in anny kind iv clothes they find on th' chair whin theywake up. "

ON STRATEGY. 

"A sthrateejan, " said Mr. Dooley, in response to Mr. Hennessy's requestfor information, "is a champeen checker-player. Whin th' war broke out, me frind Mack wint to me frind Hanna, an' says he, 'What, ' he says, 'what can we do to cr-rush th' haughty power iv Spain, ' he says, 'a'nbr-ring this hateful war to a early conclusion?" he says. 'Mobilize th'checker-players, ' says Hanna. An' fr'm all cor-rners iv th' counthrythey've gone to Washin'ton, where they're called th' Sthrateejy Board. 

"Day an' night they set in a room with a checker-board on th' end iv aflour bar'l, an' study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack dhrops in. 'Well, boys, ' says he, 'how goes th' battle?' he says. 'Gloryous, ' saysth' Sthrateejy Board. 'Two more moves, an' we'll be in th' king row. ''Ah, ' says Mack, 'this is too good to be thrue, ' he says. 'In but a fewbrief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on Spain, ' he says. 'Have ye anny plansf'r Sampson's fleet?' he says. 'Where is it?' says th' SthrateejyBoard. 'I dinnaw, ' says Mack. 'Good, ' says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they. 'Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, inSan June de Matzoon, sighted near th' gas-house be our specialcorrespondint, copyright, 1898, be Mike O'Toole. ' 'A sthrong position, 'says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Undoubtedly, th' fleet is headed south toattack and seize Armour's glue facthory. Ordher Sampson to sail north asfast as he can, an' lay in a supply iv ice. Th' summer's comin' on. Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an'call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' fourmules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland, to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. OrdherSampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn. Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is? Thin don't sind it up. Sind it up. Have th' Mulligan Gyards co-op'rate with Gomez, an' tell him to cutaway his whiskers. They've got tangled in th' riggin'. We needyellow-fever throops. Have ye anny yellow fever in th' house? Give it totwinty thousand three hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'nor Tanner. Teddy Rosenfelt's r-rough r-riders ar-re downstairs, havin' theiruniforms pressed. Ordher thim to th' goluf links at wanst. They must beno indecision. Where's Richard Harding Davis? On th' bridge iv the NewYork? Tur-rn th' bridge. Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform. We muststrengthen th' gold resarve. Where's th' Gussie? Runnin' off to Cubawith wan hundherd men an' ar-rms, iv coorse. Oh, war is a dhreadfulthing. It's ye'er move, Claude, ' says th' Sthrateejy Board. 

"An' so it goes on; an' day by day we r-read th' tur-rble story iv ourbrave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv theircounthry, as Hogan says. Little we thought, whin we wint into this war, iv th' horrors it wud bring. Little we thought iv th' mothers at homeweepin' f'r their brave boys down at Washin'ton hur-rtin their pooreyes over a checker-board. Little we thought iv these devoted men, asHogan says, with achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd thousandmillyon men an' a carload iv beans to their fate at Tampa, Fla. But somewan must be sacrificed, as Hogan says. An' these poor fellows inWashin'ton with their r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be anexample to future ginerations, as Hogan says, iv how an American sojercan face his jooty whin he has to, an' how he can't whin he hasn't to. "

"Dewey ain't a sthrateejan?" inquired Mr. Hennessy. 

"No, " said Mr. Dooley. "Cousin George is a good man, an' I'm very fondiv him, --more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy, but he has low tastes. We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him. They'se akind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in him that makes him want to go outan' slug some wan wanst a month. I'm glad he ain't in Washin'ton. Th'chances ar-re he'd go to th' Sthrateejy Board and pull its hair. "

ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION. 

"Dear, oh, dear, " said Mr. Dooley, "I'd give five dollars--an' I'd killa man f'r three--if I was out iv this Sixth Wa-ard to-night, an' downwith Gin'ral Miles' gran' picnic an' moonlight excursion in PortherRicky. 'Tis no comfort in bein' a cow'rd whin ye think iv thim br-ravela-ads facin' death be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv waltzin' withth' pretty girls iv Porther Ricky. 

"I dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked out th' job or whether 'twaspicked out f'r him. But, annyhow, whin he got to Sandago de Cubia an'looked ar-round him, he says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, 'Gin'ral, 'says he, 'ye have done well so far, ' he says. ''Tis not f'r me to taketh' lorls fr'm th' steamin' brow iv a thrue hero, ' he says. 'I lave yehere, ' he says, 'f'r to complete th' victhry ye have so nobly begun, ' hesays. 'F'r you, ' he says, 'th' wallop in th' eye fr'm th' newspaperrayporther, th' r-round robbing, an' th' sunsthroke, ' he says, 'f'r meth' hardship iv th' battlefield, th' late dinner, th' theayter party, an' th' sickenin' polky, ' he says. 'Gather, ' he says, 'th' fruits ivye'er bravery, ' he says. 'Return, ' he says, 'to ye'er native land, an'receive anny gratichood th' Sicrety iv War can spare fr'm his ownfam'ly, ' he says. 'F'r me, ' he says, 'there is no way but f'r to tur-rnme back upon this festive scene, ' he says, 'an' go where jooty callsme, ' he says. 'Ordherly, ' he says, 'put a bottle on th' ice, an' seethat me goold pants that I wear with th' pale blue vest with th' di'monbuttons is irned out, ' he says. An' with a haggard face he walked aboordth' excursion steamer, an' wint away. 

"I'd hate to tell ye iv th'thriles iv th' expedition, Hinnissy. Whin th'picnic got as far as Punch, on th' southern coast iv Porther Ricky, Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an' says he, 'This looks like a good place tohang th' hammicks, an' have lunch, ' says he. 'Forward, brave men, ' sayshe, 'where ye see me di'mon's sparkle, ' says he. 'Forward, an' plant th'crokay ar-rches iv our beloved counthry, ' he says. An' in they wint, like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re. On th' beach they was met be adiligation fr'm th' town of Punch, con-sistin' iv th' mayor, th' commoncouncil, th' polis an' fire departments, th' Gr-rand Ar-rmy iv th'Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges. Gin'ral Miles, makin' ahasty tielet, advanced onflinchingly to meet thim. 'Gintlemen, ' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'We come, ' says th' chairman iv th'comity, 'f'r to offer ye, ' he says, 'th' r-run iv th' town, ' he says. 'We have held out, ' he says, 'as long as we cud, ' he says. 'But, ' hesays, 'they'se a limit to human endurance, ' he says. 'We can withstandye no longer, ' he says. 'We surrinder. Take us prisoners, an' rayceiveus into ye'er gloryous an' well-fed raypublic, ' he says. 'Br-rave men, 'says Gin'ral Miles, 'I congratulate ye, ' he says, 'on th' heeroism ivyer definse, ' he says. 'Ye stuck manfully to yer colors, whativer theyar-re, ' he says. 'I on'y wondher that ye waited f'r me to come befuresurrindhrin, ' he says. 'I welcome ye into th' Union, ' he says. 'I don'tknow how th' Union'll feel about it, but that's no business iv mine, ' hesays. 'Ye will get ye'er wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate, ' hesays; 'an' ye'll be entitled, ' he says, 'to pay ye'er share iv th' taxesan' to live awhile an' die whin ye get r-ready, ' he says, 'jus' th' sameas if ye was bor-rn at home, ' he says. 'I don't know th' names iv ye;but I'll call ye all Casey, f'r short, ' he says. 'Put ye'er bokays inth' hammick, ' he says, 'an' return to Punch, ' he says; 'an' freezesomethin' f'r me, ' he says, 'f'r me thrawt is parched with th' labors ivth' day, ' he says. Th' r-rest iv th' avenin' was spint in dancin, 'music, an' boat-r-ridin'; an' an inj'yable time was had. 

"Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched intoth' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an'geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party, an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel. At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an'Mandolin Club. Th' entire popylace attinded, with pork chops in theirbuttonholes to show their pathreetism. Th' nex' day, afther breakfastin'with Mayor Casey, he set out on his weary march over th' r-rough, flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon. He has been in gr-reat purl fr'm awitherin' fire iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpowered some iv th'mos' savage orators in Porther Ricky; but, whin I las' heerd iv him, hehad pitched his tents an' ice-cream freezers near the inimy's wall, an'was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations. "

"They'll kill him with kindness if he don't look out, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I dinnaw about that, " said Mr. Dooley; "but I know this, that there'sth' makin' iv gr-reat statesmen in Porther Ricky. A proud people thatcan switch as quick as thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way ivwhat Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint, even fr'm th' Supreme Court. "

ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY. 

"If they don't catch up with him pretty soon, " said Mr. Dooley, "he'llfight his way ar-round th' wurruld, an' come out through Barsaloona orCades. "

"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Me Cousin George, no less, " said Mr. Dooley. "I suppose ye think th'war is over an' peace has rayturned jus' because Tiddy Rosenfelt is backhome again an' th' sojers ar-re hungry in New York 'stead iv in Sandago. That's where ye'er wrong, Hinnissy. That's where ye'er wrong, me bucko. Th' war is not over till Cousin George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyardshave had enough, but among thrue fightin' men it don't make annydiff'rence what th' feelin's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be. 'Tis whinth' man on top has had his fill iv fightin' that th' throuble's over, an' be the look iv things Cousin George has jus' begun to take tay. 

"Whin me frind Mack con-cluded 'twas time f'r us to stop fightin' an'begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th' marts iv thrade, yethought that ended it. So did Mack. He says, says he, 'Let us havepeace, ' he says. An' Mark Hanna came out iv' th' cellar, where he's beensince Cousin George presinted his compliments to th' Ph'lippines an' wudthey prefer to be kilt or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to bond th'Cubian pathrites, an' all th' deuces in th' deck begun to look like facecar-rds again, whin suddently there comes a message fr'm Cousin George. 'In pursooance iv ordhers that niver come, ' he says, 'to-day th'squadhron undher my command knocked th' divvle out iv th' fortificationsiv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up th' insurgentgin'ral. The gov'nor got away be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll attind to th' Dutchman someafthernoon whin I have nawthin'else to do. I'm settin' in the palacewith me feet on th' pianny. Write soon. I won't get it. So no more atprisint, fr'm ye'er ol' frind an' well-wisher, George Dooley. '

"How ar-re they goin' to stop him? How ar-re they goin' to stop him?There's Mack on th' shore bawlin' ordhers. 'Come back, ' he says. 'Comeback, I command ye, ' he says. 'George, come back, ' he says. 'Th' war isover, ' he says. 'We're at peace with th' wurruld, ' he says. 'George, ' hesays, 'George, be a good fellow, ' he says. 'Lave up on thim, ' he says. 'Hivins an' earth, he's batin' that poor Spanyard with a pavin' block. George, George, ye break me hear-rt, ' he says. 

"But George Dooley, he gives th' wink to his frinds, an' says he, 'What's that man yellin' on th' shore about?' he says. 'Louder, ' hesays. 'I can't hear ye, ' he says. 'Sing it, ' he says. 'Write it to me ona postal ca-ard at Mahdrid, ' he says. 'Don't stop me now, ' he says. 'This is me, busy day, ' he says; an' away he goes with a piece iv leadpipe in wan hand an' a couplin' pin in th' other. 

"What'll we do with him? We can't catch up with him. He's goin' toofast. Mack's a week behind him ivry time he stops annywhere. He hassthrung a throlley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' mountains withhis fleet. Th' on'y thing I see, Hinnissy, that Mack can do is to goeast an' meet him comin' r-round. If he hurries, he'll sthrike himsomewhere in Rooshia or Boohlgahria, an' say to him: 'George, th' war'sover. Won't ye come home with me?' I think he'll listen to reason. "

"I think a man ought to stop fightin' whin th' war is ended, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"I dinnaw about that, " said Mr. Dooley. "He started without askin' ourlave, an' I don't see what we've got to do with th' way he finishes. 'Tis a tur-rble thing to be a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whinth' other fellow's licked. "

ON THE PHILIPPINES. 

"I know what I'd do if I was Mack, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I'd hist a flagover th' Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take in th' whole lot iv thim. "

"An' yet, " said Mr. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since yelarned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is sosmall that ye'er cow can't turn r-round without buttin' th' woodshed offth' premises, an' ye wudden't go out to th' stock yards without takin'out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye was standin' at th' corner iv StateSthreet an' Archey R-road, wud ye know what car to take to get to th'Ph'lippeens? If yer son Packy was to ask ye where th' Ph'lippeens is, cud ye give him anny good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus' westiv th' thracks?"

"Mebbe I cudden't, " said Mr. Hennessy, haughtily, "but I'm f'r takin'thim in, annyhow. "

"So might I be, " said Mr. Dooley, "if I cud on'y get me mind on it. Waniv the worst things about this here war is th' way it's makin' puzzlesf'r our poor, tired heads. Whin I wint into it, I thought all I'd haveto do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cint see-gar inme teeth, an' toss dinnymite bombs into th' hated city iv Havana. Butlook at me now. Th' war is still goin' on; an' ivry night, whin I'mcountin' up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex Cubia or lave it tothe Cubians? Will I take Porther Ricky or put it by? An' what shud I dowith the Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I can't annex thimbecause I don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim becausesome wan else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thousan' iv thimislands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' mebedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an'how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with mewan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin'people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know. An', if I don't take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet, that hashalf me thrade already, will grab thim sure. 

"It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin' th' r-right thing in th' end, Hinnissy. Some mornin' I'll wake up an' know jus' what to do, an' thatI'll do. But 'tis th' annoyance in th' mane time. I've been r-readin'about th' counthry. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye'refacin' east. Jus' throw ye'er thumb back, an' ye have it as ac'rate asanny man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgahrya an' not so far asBlewchoochoo. It's near Chiny, an' it's not so near; an', if a man wasto bore a well through fr'm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an'thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthricken counthry, full ivgoold an' precious stones, where th' people can pick dinner off th'threes an' ar-re starvin' because they have no step-ladders. Th'inhabitants is mostly naygurs an' Chinnymen, peaceful, industhrus, an'law-abidin', but savage an' bloodthirsty in their methods. They wear noclothes except what they have on, an' each woman has five husbands an'each man has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same ashere. Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since befure th' fire; an'she's threated thim so well they're now up in ar-rms again her, except amajority iv thim which is thurly loyal. Th' natives seldom fight, butwhin they get mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin a manr-runs-a-muck, sometimes they hang him an' sometimes they discharge himan' hire a new motorman. Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an' incomplete intheir dhress. I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on herbut a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We importjuke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens, an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens hasawaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received muchAmerican amminition in their midst. They say th' Spanyards is all toreup about it. 

"I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet, Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alonein th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask annycon-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye. Ye can find out fr'mthe papers; an', if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to aska prom'nent citizen who can mow all th' lawn he owns with a safetyrazor. But I don't know. "

"Hang on to thim, " said Mr. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we musthold. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "if I was Mack, I'd lave it to George. I'd say:'George, ' I'd say, 'if ye're f'r hangin' on, hang on it is. If ye say, lave go, I dhrop thim. ' 'Twas George won thim with th' shells, an' th'question's up to him. "

ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY. 

"It looks to me, " said Mr. Dooley, "as though me frind Mack'd got tirediv th' Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th' war to th' men inblack. "

"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who has at best but a clouded view ofpublic affairs. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "while th' sthrateejans have been wearin' outtheir jeans on cracker-boxes in Wash'n'ton, they'se been goin' on th'mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th' pow'rful preachin'navies iv th' two counthries. Manila is nawthin' at all to th' scenes ivcarnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's been brought about be thesedesthroyers. Th' Spanyards fired th' openin' gun whin th' bishop ivCades, a pow'rful turreted monitor (ol' style), attackted us with bothfor'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone an' hell into us. But th'victhry was not f'r long with th' hated Spanyard. He was answered beour whole fleet iv preachers. Thin he was jined be th' bishop ivBarsaloona an' th' bishop iv Mahdrid an' th' bishop iv Havana, allbattle-ships iv th' first class, followed be a fleet iv cruisersr-runnin' all th' way fr'm a full-ar-rmored vicar gin'ral to a protectedparish priest. To meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New York, th' bishopiv Philadelphia, th' bishop iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv Chicago, accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Methodists, three Presbyteryanmonitors, a fleet iv Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formidablearray iv Universalist an' Unitaryan torpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram. Manetime th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid prayer, weighin' a ton, at San Francisco; an' a masked batthry iv Congregationalists replied, inflictin' severe damage. Our Atlantic fleet is now sarchin' f'r th'inimy, an' the bishop iv New York is blockadin' th' bishop iv Sandago deCuba; an' they'se been an exchange iv prayers between th' bishop ivBaltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage. 

"Th' Lord knows how it'll come out. First wan side prays that th' wrathiv Hiven'll descind on th' other, an' thin th' other side returns th'compliment with inthrest. Th' Spanish bishop says we're a lot ivmurdherin', irreligious thieves, an' ought to be swept fr'm th' face ivth' earth. We say his people ar-re th' same, an' manny iv thim. Hewishes Hivin to sink our ships an' desthroy our men; an' we hope he'llinjye th' same gr-reat blessin'. We have a shade th' best iv him, f'rhis fleets ar-re all iv th' same class an' ol' style, an' we have someiv th' most modhern prayin' machines in the warruld; but he prayshar-rd, an' 'tis no aisy wurruk to silence him. "

"What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw jus' what to think iv it. Me own ideeis that war is not a matther iv prayers so much as a matther ivpunchin'; an' th' on'y place a prayer book stops a bullet is in th'story books. 'Tis like what Father Kelly said. Three weeks ago las'Sundah he met Hogan; an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if he'doffered up prayers f'r th' success iv th' cause. 'Faith, I did not, 'says th' good man. 'I was in too much iv a hurry to get away. ' 'What wasth' matther?' ast Hogan. 'I had me uniform to brush up an' me soord topolish, ' says Father Kelly. 'I am goin' with th' rig'mint to-morrah, ' hesays; an' he says, 'If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray, ' he says, 'annytime they'se a call f'r me, ' he says, 'to be in a fight, ' he says, 'yemay conclude, ' he says, 'that I've lost me mind, an' won't be back to meparish, ' he says. 'Hogan, ' he says, 'I'll go into th' battle with aprayer book in wan hand an' a soord in th' other, ' he says; 'an' if th'wurruk calls f'r two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop, ' he says. 'Don't ye believe in prayer?' says Hogan. 'I do, ' says th' good man;'but, ' he says, 'a healthy person ought, ' he says, 'to be ashamed, ' hesays, 'to ask f'r help in a fight, ' he says. "

"That's th' way I look at it, " said Mr. Hennessy. "When 'tis an aventhing in th' prayin', may th' best man win. "

"Ye're r-right, Hinnissy, " said Mr. Dooley, warmly. "Ye're r-right. An'th' best man will win. "

ON THE ANGLO-SAXON. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "I see be th' pa-apers that th' snow-whitepigeon iv peace have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over now. Allwe've got to do is to arrest th' pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradiospay th' stamp tax, an' be r-ready f'r to take a punch at Germany orFrance or Rooshia or anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe. 

"An' I'm glad iv it. This war, Hinnissy, has been a gr-reat sthrain onme. To think iv th' suffrin' I've endured! F'r weeks I lay awake atnights fearin' that th' Spanish ar-rmadillo'd lave the Cape VerdeIslands, where it wasn't, an' take th' thrain out here, an' hur-rl deathan' desthruction into me little store. Day be day th' pitiless exthriescome out an' beat down on me. Ye hear iv Teddy Rosenfelt plungin' intoambus-cades an' Sicrity iv Wars; but d'ye hear iv Martin Dooley, th' manbehind th' guns, four thousan' miles behind thim, an' willin' to befurther? They ar-re no bokays f'r me. I'm what Hogan calls wan iv th'mute, ingloryous heroes iv th' war; an' not so dam mute, ayther. Someday, Hinnissy, justice'll be done me, an' th' likes iv me; an', whin th'story iv a gr-reat battle is written, they'll print th' kilt, th'wounded, th' missin', an' th' seryously disturbed. An' thim that havebore thimsilves well an' bravely an' paid th' taxes an' faced th' deadlynewspa-apers without flinchin' 'll be advanced six pints an' given achanst to tur-rn jack f'r th' game. 

"But me wurruk ain't over jus' because Mack has inded th' war an' TeddyRosenfelt is comin' home to bite th' Sicrety iv War. You an' me, Hinnissy, has got to bring on this here Anglo-Saxon 'lieance. AnAnglo-Saxon, Hinnissy, is a German that's forgot who was his parents. They're a lot iv thim in this counthry. There must be as manny as two inBoston: they'se wan up in Maine, an' another lives at Bogg's Ferry inNew York State, an' dhrives a milk wagon. Mack is an Anglo-Saxon. Hisfolks come fr'm th' County Armagh, an' their naytional Anglo-Saxon hymnis 'O'Donnell Aboo. ' Teddy Rosenfelt is another Anglo-Saxon. An' I'm anAnglo-Saxon. I'm wan iv th' hottest Anglo-Saxons that iver come out ivAnglo-Saxony. Th' name iv Dooley has been th' proudest Anglo-Saxon namein th' County Roscommon f'r many years. 

"Schwartzmeister is an Anglo-Saxon, but he doesn't know it, an' won'ttill some wan tells him. Pether Bowbeen down be th' Frinch church isformin' th' Circle Francaize Anglo-Saxon club, an' me ol' frind Dominigothat used to boss th' Ar-rchey R-road wagon whin Callaghan had th'sthreet conthract will march at th' head iv th' Dago Anglo-Saxons whinth' time comes. There ar-re twinty thousan' Rooshian Jews at a quarthera vote in th' Sivinth Ward; an', ar-rmed with rag hooks, they'd be atur-rble thing f'r anny inimy iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'lieance to face. Th'Bohemians an' Pole Anglo-Saxons may be a little slow in wakin' up towhat th' pa-apers calls our common hurtage, but ye may be sure they'llbe all r-right whin they're called on. We've got together anAnglo-Saxon 'lieance in this wa-ard, an' we're goin' to ilict SarsfieldO'Brien prisidint, Hugh O'Neill Darsey vice-prisidint, Robert ImmittClancy sicrety, an' Wolfe Tone Malone three-asurer. O'Brien'll be a goodwan to have. He was in the Fenian r-raid, an' his father carrid a pikein forty-eight. An' he's in th' Clan. Besides, he has a sthrong pullwith th' Ancient Ordher iv Anglo-Saxon Hibernyans. 

"I tell ye, whin th' Clan an' th' Sons iv Sweden an' th' Banana Club an'th' Circle Francaize an' th' Pollacky Benivolent Society an' th'Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite an' th' Benny Brith an' th' Coffee Clutchthat Schwartzmeister r-runs an' th' Tur-rnd'ye-mind an' th' Hollandsociety an' th' Afro-Americans an' th' other Anglo-Saxons begin f'r toraise their Anglo-Saxon battle-cry, it'll be all day with th' eight ornine people in th' wurruld that has th' misfortune iv not bein' broughtup Anglo-Saxons. "

"They'se goin' to be a debate on th' 'lieance at th' ninety-eight picnicat Ogden's gr-rove, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"P'r'aps, " said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, "ye might like to borry th' loan ivan ice-pick. "

ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT. 

Mr. Dooley looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped thebar. Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study his friend in order toescape disagreeable complications, patiently waited for the philosopherto speak. Mr. Dooley rubbed the bar to the end, tossed the cloth into amysterious recess with a practised movement, moved a glass or two on theshelf, cleaned his spectacles, and drew a letter from his pocket. 

"Hm-m!" he said: "I have news fr'm th' fr-ront. Me nevvew, TerryDonahue, has sint me a letther tellin' me all about it. "

"How shud he know?" Mr. Hennessy asked. 

"How shud he know, is it?" Mr. Dooley demanded warmly. "How shudden't heknow? Isn't he a sojer in th' ar-rmy? Isn't it him that's down there inSandago fightin' f'r th' honor iv th' flag, while th' likes iv you isup here livin' like a prince, an' doin' nawthin' all th' livelong daybut shovel at th' rollin'-mills? Who are ye f'r to criticize th'dayfinders iv our counthry who ar-re lyin' in th' trinches, an' havin'th' clothes stole off their backs be th' pathriotic Cubians, I'd like toknow? F'r two pins, Hinnissy, you an' I'd quarrel. "

"I didn't mean nawthin', " Mr. Hennessy apologized. "I didn't know he wasdown there. "

"Nayether did I, " said Mr. Dooley. "But I informed mesilf. I'll have nowan in this place speak again th' ar-rmy. Ye can have ye'er say aboutMack. He has a good job, an' 'tis r-right an' proper f'r to baste himfr'm time to time. It shows ye'er in good thrim, an' it don't hur-rthim. They'se no wan to stop his pay. He goes up to th' cashier an'dhraws his forty-wan-sixty-six jus' th' same whether he's sick or well, an' whether he's pulled th' box reg-lar or has been playin' forty-fivesin th' back room. But whin ye come to castin' aspersions on th' ar'rmy, be hivens, ye'll find that I can put me thumb on this showcase an' goover at wan lep. "

"I didn't say annything, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I didn't know aboutTerry. "

"Iv coorse, ye didn't, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' that's what I'm sayin'. Ye're here wallowin' in luxury, wheelin' pig ir'n fr'm morn till night;an' ye have no thought iv what's goin' on beyant. You an' Jawn D. Rockefeller an' Phil Ar-rmour an' Jay Pierpont Morgan an' th' r-rest ivye is settin' back at home figurin' how ye can make some wan else payye'er taxes f'r ye. What is it to ye that me nevvew Terry is sleepin' inditch wather an' atin' hard tacks an' coffee an' bein' r-robbed beleeber Cubians, an' catchin' yallow fever without a chanst iv givin' itto e'er a Spanyard. Ye think more iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye'ercounthry. Ye're like th' Sugar Thrust. F'r two cints ye'd refuse tosupport th' govermint. I know ye, ye bloated monno-polist. "

"I'm no such thing, " said Mr. Hennessy, hotly. "I've been a Dimmycratf'r thirty year. "

"Well, annyhow, " said Mr. Dooley, "don't speak disrayspictful iv th'ar-rmy. Lave me r-read you Terry's letter fr'm th' fr-ront. 'M--m: Inth' trinches, two miles fr'm Sandago, with a land crab as big as alobster crawlin' up me back be way iv Kingston, June 6, Dear UncleMartin. ' That's th' way it begins. 'Dear Uncle Martin: We are all wellhere, except thim that is not, an' hope ye're injyin' th' same gr-reatblessin'. It's hotter down here thin Billy-be-dam'd. They'se arollin'-mill near here jus' th' same as at home, but all th' hands islaid off on account iv bad times. They used ol'-fashioned woodenwheelbahrs an' fired with wood. I don't think they cud handle th' pigth' way we done, bein' small la-ads. Th' coke has to be hauled up insacks be th' gang. Th' derrick hands got six a week, but hadn't annyunion. Helpers got four twinty. Puddlers was well paid. I wint throughth' plant befure we come up here, an' r-run a wagon up th' plank jus'to keep me hand in. Tell me frinds that wan gang iv good la-ads fr'm th'r-road cud wurruk anny three iv th' gangs down here. Th' mills is ownedbe Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr'm yer affecshunate nevvew, Peter Casey, who's writin' this f'r me. '"

"'Tis a good letter, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't see how they cud getderrick hands f'r six a week. "

"Me frind Jawn D. Knows how, " said Mr. Dooley. 

ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES. 

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "dam thim Cubians! If I was Gin'ralShafter, I'd back up th' wagon in front iv th' dure, an' I'd say toGin'ral Garshy, I'd say, 'I want you'; an' I'd have thim all down at th'station an' dacently booked be th' desk sergeant befure th' fall ivnight. Th' impydince iv thim!"

"What have they been doin'?" Mr. Hennessy asked. 

"Failin' to undherstand our civilization, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, itwas this way. This is th' way it was: Gin'ral Garshy with wan hundherdthousan' men's been fightin' bravely f'r two years f'r to liberyateCubia. F'r two years he's been marchin' his sivinty-five thousan' men upan' down th' island, desthroyin' th' haughty Spanyard be th' millyons. Whin war was declared, he offered his own sarvice an' th' sarvices ivhis ar-rmy iv fifty thousan' men to th' United States; an', whilewaitin' f'r ships to arrive, he marched at th' head iv his tin thousan'men down to Sandago de Cuba an' captured a cigar facthry, which theysoon rayjooced to smokin' ruins. They was holdin' this position--Gin'ralGarshy an' his gallant wan thousan' men--whin Gin'ral Shafter arrived. Gin'ral Garshy immedjitly offered th' sarvices iv himsilf an' his twohundherd men f'r th' capture iv Sandago; an', when Gin'ral Shafterarrived, there was Gin'ral Garshy with his gallant band iv fiftyCubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit's notice. 

"Gin'ral Shafter is a big, coorse, two-fisted man fr'm Mitchigan, an', whin he see Gin'ral Garshy an' his twinty-five gallant followers, 'Fr-ront, ' says he. 'This way, ' he says, 'step lively, ' he says, 'an'move some iv these things, ' he says. 'Sir, ' says Gin'ral Garshy, 'd'yetake me f'r a dhray?' he says. 'I'm a sojer, ' he says, 'not a baggagecar, ' he says. 'I'm a Cubian pathrite, an' I'd lay down me life an' thelives iv ivry wan iv th' eighteen brave men iv me devoted ar-rmy, ' hesays; 'but I'll be dam'd if I carry a thrunk, ' he says. 'I'll fightwhiniver 'tis cool, ' he says, 'an' they ain't wan iv these twelve menhere that wudden't follow me to hell if they was awake at th' time, ' hesays; 'but, ' he says, 'if 'twas wurruk we were lookin' f'r, we cud havefound it long ago, ' he says. 'They'se a lot iv it in this counthry thatnobody's usin', ' he says. 'What we want, ' he says, 'is freedom, ' hesays; 'an', if ye think we have been in th' woods dodgin' th' savagecorryspondint f'r two year, ' he says, 'f'r th' sake iv r-rushin' yerlaundhry home, ' he says, ''tis no wondher, ' he says, 'that th' r-roadsfr'm Marinette to Kalamazoo is paved with goold bricks bought be th'people iv ye'er native State, ' he says. 

"So Shafter had to carry his own thrunk; an' well it was f'r him that itwasn't Gin'ral Miles', the weather bein' hot. An' Shafter was mad clearthrough; an', whin he took hold iv Sandago, an' was sendin' outinvitations, he scratched Garshy. Garshy took his gallant band iv sixback to th' woods; an' there th' three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed withforty r-rounds iv canned lobster, an' ready to raysist to th' death. Himan' th' other man has written to Gin'ral Shafter to tell him what theythink iv him, an' it don't take long. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "I think Shafter done wrong. He might'veasked Garshy in f'r to see th' show, seein' that he's been hangin'ar-round f'r a long time, doin' th' best he cud. "

"It isn't that, " explained Mr. Dooley. "Th' throuble is th' Cubiansdon't undherstand our civilization. Over here freedom means hard wurruk. What is th' ambition iv all iv us, Hinnissy? 'Tis ayether to hold ourjob or to get wan. We want wurruk. We must have it. D'ye raymimber th'sign th' mob carrid in th' procession las' year? 'Give us wurruk, or weperish, ' it said. They had their heads bate in be polismen because nophilan-thropist'd come along an' make thim shovel coal. Now, in Cubia, whin th' mobs turns out, they carry a banner with the wurruds, 'Give usnawthin' to do, or we perish. ' Whin a Cubian comes home at night with ahappy smile on his face, he don't say to his wife an' childher, 'ThankGawd, I've got wurruk at last!' He says, 'Thank Gawd, I've been fired. 'An' th' childher go out, and they say, 'Pah-pah has lost his job. ' AndMrs. Cubian buys hersilf a new bonnet; and where wanst they was sorrowan' despair all is happiness an' a cottage organ. 

"Ye can't make people here undherstand that, an' ye can't make a Cubianundherstand that freedom means th' same thing as a pinitinchry sintince. Whin we thry to get him to wurruk, he'll say: 'Why shud I? I haven'tcommitted anny crime. ' That's goin' to be th' throuble. Th' first thingwe know we'll have another war in Cubia whin we begin disthributin' goodjobs, twelve hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th' Cubians ain't civilizedin our way. I sometimes think I've got a touch iv Cubian blood in me ownveins. "

ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET. 

 [These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the stereotypers, which caused the English newspapers of Chicago temporarily to suspend publication. ]

"I hear, " said Mr. Hennessy, "that th' stereopticons on th' newspapershave sthruck. "

"I sh'd think they wud, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' las' time I was down townwas iliction night, whin Charter Haitch's big la-ad was ilicted, an'they was wurrukin' th' stereopticons till they was black in th' face. What's th' news?"

"Th' What Cheer, Ioway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th' sthreets with atillygram that Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an' is now settin'on Gin'ral Pando's chest with his hands in his hair. But this is deniedbe th' Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an' th' MeridyanSthreet Afro-American. I also see be th' Daily Scoor Card, th' WineList, th' Deef Mute's Spokesman, th' Morgue Life, the Bill iv Fare, th'Stock Yards Sthraight Steer, an' Jack's Tips on th' Races, the on'ydaily paper printed in Chicago, that Sampson's fleet is in th' SuezCanal bombarding Cades. Th' Northwestern Christyan Advycate says this isnot thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed be an English boxer in atwinty-r-round go in New York. "

"Ye've got things mixed up, " said Mr. Dooley. "I get th' news sthraight. 'Twas this way. Th' Spanish fleet was bottled up in Sandago Harbor, an'they dhrew th' cork. That's a joke. I see it in th' pa-apers. Th'gallant boys iv th' navy was settin' out on th' deck, defindin' theircounthry an' dhrawin' three ca-ards apiece, whin th' Spanish admiralcon-cluded 'twud be better f'r him to be desthroyed on th' ragin' sea, him bein' a sailor, thin to have his fleet captured be cav'lry. Annyhow, he was willin' to take a chance; an' he says to his sailors:'Spanyards, ' he says, 'Castiles, ' he says, 'we have et th' las'bed-tick, ' he says; 'an', if we stay here much longer, ' he says, 'I'llhave to have a steak off th' armor plate fried f'r ye, ' he says. 'Laveus go out where we can have a r-run f'r our money, ' he says. An' awaythey wint. I'll say this much f'r him, he's a brave man, a dam braveman. I don't like a Spanyard no more than ye do, Hinnissy. I niver seewan. But, if this here man was a--was a Zulu, I'd say he was a braveman. If I was aboord wan iv thim yachts that was convarted, I'd go tothis here Cervera, an' I'd say: 'Manuel, ' I'd say, 'ye're all right, meboy. Ye ought to go to a doctor an' have ye'er eyes re-set, but ye're agood fellow. Go downstairs, ' I'd say, 'into th' basemint iv the ship, 'I'd say, 'an' open th' cupboard jus' nex' to th' head iv th' bed, an'find th' bottle marked "Floridy Wather, " an' threat ye'ersilf kindly. 'That's what I'd say to Cervera. He's all right. 

"Well, whin our boys see th' Spanish fleet comin' out iv th' harbor, they gathered on th' deck an' sang th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be ahot time in th' ol' town to-night. ' A liftnant come up to where AdmiralSampson was settin' playin' sivin up with Admiral Schley. 'Bill, ' hesays, 'th' Spanish fleet is comin' out, ' he says. 'What talk have ye?'says Sampson. 'Sind out some row-boats an' a yacht, an' desthroy thim. Clubs is thrumps, ' he says, and he wint on playin'. Th' Spanish fleetwas attackted on all sides be our br-rave la-ads, nobly assisted be th'dispatch boats iv the newspapers. Wan by wan they was desthroyed. Threebattle-ships attackted th' convarted yacht Gloucester. Th' Gloucesterused to be owned be Pierpont Morgan; but 'twas convarted, an' is nowleadin' a dacint life. Th' Gloucester sunk thim all, th' ChristobellComma, the Viscera, an' th' Admiral O'Quinn. It thin wint up to twoSpanish torpedo boats an' giv thim wan punch, an' away they wint. Bethis time th' sojers had heerd of the victhry, an' they gathered on th'shore, singin' th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a hot time in th' ol'town to-night, me babby. ' Th' gloryous ol' chune, to which Washingtonan' Grant an' Lincoln marched, was took up be th' sailors on th' ships, an' Admiral Cervera r-run wan iv his boats ashore, an' jumped into th'sea. At last accounts th' followin' dispatches had been received: 'ToWillum McKinley: Congratulations on ye'er noble victhry. (Signed) WillumMcKinley. ' 'To Russell A. Alger: Ye done splendid. (Signed) Russell A. Alger. ' 'To James Wilson, Sicrety iv Agriculture: This is a gr-reat dayf'r Ioway. Ar-re ye much hur-rted? (Signed) James Wilson. '"

"Where did ye hear all this?" asked Mr. Hennessy, in great amazement. 

"I r-read it, " said Mr. Dooley, impressively, "in the Staats Zeitung. "

ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW. 

"I usen't to know, " said Mr. Dooley, "what me frind Gin'ral Shermanmeant whin he said that thing about war. I've been through two iv thim, not to speak iv convintions an' prim'ries, an' divvle th' bit iv har-rmcome to me no more thin if I was settin' on a roof playin' an accorjeen. But I know now what th' ol' la-ad meant. He meant war was hell whin'twas over. 

"I ain't heerd anny noise fr'm th' fellows that wint into threnches an'plugged th' villyanious Spanyard. Most iv thim is too weak to kick. Butth' proud an' fearless pathrites who restrained thimsilves, an' didn'tgo to th' fr-ront, th' la-ads that sthruggled hard with their warliketindincies, an' fin'lly downed thim an' stayed at home an' practised upupon th' typewriter, they're ragin' an' tearin' an' desthroyin' theirfoes. 

"Did ye see what me frind Alger wrote to Chansy Depoo? Well, sir, Algerhas been misthreated. There's a good man. I say he's a good man. An' heis, too. At anny thrick fr'm shingles to two-be-fours he's as good asth' best. But no wan apprechated Alger. No wan undherstud him. No waneven thried to. Day be day he published th' private letters iv otherpeople, an' that didn't throw anny light on his charackter. Day be dayhe had his pitchers took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'cur-rves iv him. Day be day he chatted iv th' turrors iv war, an' stillpeople on'y said: 'An' Alger also r-ran. ' But th' time come whin Algercud contain himsilf no longer, an' he set down an' wrote to ChansyDepoo. 

"'Mr. Chansy Depot, care iv Grand Cintral Depew, New York, N. Y. , Esquire. Dear Chanse: I've been expectin' a letter fr'm ye f'r three orfour days. In reply to same will say: Oh, Chanse, ye don't know how Isuffer. I'm that low in me mind I feel like a bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear, to think iv what I've gone through. I wint into th' war onprepared. Ihad on'y so many r-rounds iv catridges an' a cross-cut saw, an' Ifailed to provide mesilf with th' ord'nary necessities iv life. But, inspite iv me deficiencies, I wint bravely ahead. Th' sthrain wassomething tur-r'ble on me. Me mind give out repeatedly. I cud not thinkat times, but I niver faltered. In two months I had enough suppliespiled up in Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They were thousands ivr-rounds iv catridges f'r ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to dowas to write f'r thim. Th' navy had taken Manila an' Cervera's fleet, an' th' ar-rmy had taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever. Th' war is over, an' peace wanst more wags her wings over th' counthry. Pine scantlingsis quoted sthrong. Ivrywhere is peace an' contint. Me photographs are onsale at all first-class newsdealers. Yet there is no ca'm f'r me. Onthinkin' wans insult me. They tell me a sojer can't ate gin'ralordhers. They want me to raysign an' go back to me humble home inMitchigan. Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but get thimsilvesshot, ask f'r milk an' quinine. They'll be askin' me to carry foodto thim nex'. Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't know how grieved Iam! Rather wud I have perished in a logjam thin to've indured thisingratichood. But, in lookin' back over me past life, I can thinkiv no wrong I've done. If me mim'ry is at fault, please note. Mecar-eer is an open book. I've held nawthin' back fr'm th' public, not even whin 'twas mar-rked private. I can say with th' pote thatI done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse! don't iver aspire to my job. Besicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be sicrety iv A war. Do notoffer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim take it. How'sthings goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th' seaside. Till thin, I'm yours, sick at heart, but atin' reg'lar. RUSS. '"

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time ivit. "

"He did, " said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow beforeeight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll beall r-right whin his mind's at r-rest. "

ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT. 

"'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give himf'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was agr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety ivAgriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He veryoften played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'White House f'r a job loved him. 

"But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-richcrame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye atth' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r toplay with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack wasshavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his facepulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream ivag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his pawson his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy. ' Goold Bondswint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral wassettin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as faras 'we opine, ' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windybe a whisker. 

"Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'netcouncil f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler, 'says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv ourtime, ' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders, ' he says. Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir, ' says Mack, 'GooldBonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit, ' he says. ''Twudbr-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet, ' he says. 'Go, ' he says, 'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists, ' hesays; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye, ' hesays. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin hecome back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, butwith a wan smile on his lips. 

"Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rnsto th' Dock. 'Dock, ' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice, ' hesays. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral, ' he says. 'I'm that already, ' saysth' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia, ' he says. 'But, ' saysMack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted, ' hesays, 'whin ye'er counthry calls, ' he says. 'I appint ye, ' he says, 'surgeon-gin'ral, ' he says. 'Pro-ceed, ' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stampout th' dhread ravages, ' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger, ' he says. 

"That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' nowhe's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellowfever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early. Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches ivpinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' abottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rseiv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ralShafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' StallAngel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's agr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's catwas th' rale victhor at Sandago?"

"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Sure, " said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'. "

ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY. 

"I hear-r that Mack's in town, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther, all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to numbernine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign ivth' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in themornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back roomin th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcomeas anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'rfifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, ifhe has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'rtwinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilizednations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well, I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fireabove th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond thatbelongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a futwill I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, orpotentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There'sPrisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley atnine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim. Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me. ' Says I, 'If ye findye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in. ' An' there year-re. 

"I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye onth' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy ivth' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan astshim, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanstwanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him. '

"I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin. ' Some iv thimar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade atth' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbedwhin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrunout f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mackcome in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remainundher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action ivth' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but, ' says he, 'Icannot, ' he says, 'so far forget mesilf, ' he says, 'as not to mintion, 'he says, 'that, ' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublimepathreetism an' courage, ' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor, ' hesays, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce, ' he says, 'I might not be hereto-night, ' he says. 

"Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter. 'Gintlemen, ' says he, 'it gives me, ' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure, ' hesays, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles, ' hesays. 'Iv coorse, ' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth, ' he says;'but, ' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human, ' he says, 'tooverlook th' debt iv gratichood, ' he says, 'th' counthry owes, ' he says, 'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard atsuch an opparchune time, ' he says. 'Gintlemen, ' he says, 'onless ye havelived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia, ' hesays, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is, ' he says, 'to dhrink, ' hesays, 'to th' author iv our bein' here, ' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wintout an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane ivapplause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen, ' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes, ' hesays, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others. ' [A voice:'Shafter. ' Another voice: 'Gage. ' Another voice: 'Dooley. '] 'But I passto a more conganial line iv thought, ' he says. 'We have just emergedfr'm a turrible war, ' he says. 'Again, ' he says, 'we ar-re a unitedunion, ' he says. 'No north, ' he says, 'no south, no east, ' he says, 'nowest. No north east a point east, ' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthryhas been cr-rushed, ' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with hisrig'mint talkin', ' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars, 'he says. 'Th' nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' gooldstandard, ' he says. 'Now, ' he says, 'th' question is what shall we dowith th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim. '] 'Our dutyto civilization commands us to be up an' doin', ' he says. 'We ar-rebound, ' he says, 'to--to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be, ' hesays. 'We can not tur-rn back, ' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that, even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men, ' hesays, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' nonorth, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' bestwe can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case. ' he says. 'I hopeI have made th' matther clear to ye, ' he says, 'an', with these fewremarks, ' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny, ' he says, 'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a unitedan' happy people, livin', ' he says, 'undher an administhration that, thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, issecond to none, ' he says. "

"What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr. Hennessy asked. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mackmeans. "

ON THE HERO IN POLITICS. 

"'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days, " said Mr. Dooley, "tohave a vote. Look here, " he continued, diving under the bar andproducing a roll of paper. 

"Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' tothrow thim out in th' back yard. 

"All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago, that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had tobe sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns thatkilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlistedif he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such goodshape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at acinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-readyto sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher inhand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice. 

"I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrangef'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job butwanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too. None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. Iwas sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-iticalmeetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'argymints, --pro-argymints an' con-argymints, --an' makes up his mindca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me gowith him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall. 

"Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform inunyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hottime in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Yeknow Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' aspeech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged, ' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles, ' he says, 'where wasCassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon, ' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo, ' says I. 'Thrue f'r ye, ' says Plunkett. 'An' where, ' he says, 'was ourcandydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon, ' says I. 'No, ' says he. 'Whin th' Prisidint, ' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms, ' he says, 'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse, 'he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan, ' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytionalpearl, ' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard, ' he says, 'an'wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'rvolunteers is out?" he says. "Wan, " says th' officer. "Put me down, "says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call, " he says. This, gintlemen iv th'foorth precin't, ' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, ifilicted, ' he says, 'victhry'll perch, ' he says, 'upon our banners, ' hesays; 'an', ' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained, ' he says, 'in th' county boord, ' he says. 

"I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' littletailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together atth' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says. 'Well, ' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan, ' he says, 'f'rto put his name in f'r th' tenth call, ' he says; 'but, ' he says, 'Idon't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv asthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep hishands out iv ye'er pockets, ' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate, ' hesays. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war, ' he says, 'but 'twasClancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie, ' hesays. 

"That's the way I feel, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkettas far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's warhero, I'd be with him. "

"Annyhow, " said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war isr-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin theywas mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back--an'sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at therollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slagshovel. "

MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE

ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. 

Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, andsighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'. "

"Faith, it is, " said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. Ican't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thoughtiv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' coldwrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin aton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That'swhat old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we hadbefure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old, ' says a guy atth' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new, ' he says. 'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue, ' says he. It's a prettysintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd pleaseme betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past, rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv medays. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'leopard change his spots, ' or can't he?

"You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to thiscounthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Yeknow what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellarpoorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with mefellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me, ' Isays. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' downth' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn'ta brick in th' other hand. ' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. Iset be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me moreiv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have mannya fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlanthink they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why, ' says I, 'carry into th' newyear th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury itsdead, ' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky, ' I says. (It wasrainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heedto that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans. ) An' I wint to th' dure, an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'new. ' 'Go back into ye'er stall, ' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out, ' hesays. 'Ye'er wet through, ' he says. 

"Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' Ibegun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it. Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan footbefure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint outon th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year, ' an'hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first wan I wished it to'd tell me to goto th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a blockbefore I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to eachother. 'A Happy New Year, ' says I. 'Th' same to you, ' says he, 'an'manny iv thim, ' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand, ' says I. 'I wasthinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift, ' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'manny iv thim, ' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even allaround, ' says he. 'It is, ' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd giveup me gredge again ye, ' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf, ' saysI. 'But, since I seen ye'er face, ' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd bemore comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind, ' says he. 'Ye'rea man iv taste, ' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip, an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' ivan amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf. 

"Well, I've been thinkin' it over, an' I've argied it out that life'dnot be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies. I can have all th'frinds I need. Anny man can that keeps a liquor sthore. But a ralesthrong inimy, specially a May-o inimy, --wan that hates ye ha-ard, an'that ye'd take th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to, --is a luxurythat I can't go without in me ol' days. Dorsey is th' right sort. Ican't go by his house without bein' in fear he'll spill th' chimbly downon me head; an', whin he passes my place, he walks in th' middle iv th'sthreet, an' crosses himsilf. I'll swear off on annything but Dorsey. He's a good man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to him. "

ON GOLD-SEEKING. 

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Hennessy, "that Alaska's th' gr-reat place. Ithought 'twas nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals roostin' on it, an' wan or two hundherd Ohio politicians that can't be killed on accountiv th' threaty iv Pawrs. But here they tell me 'tis fairly smothered ingoold. A man stubs his toe on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv agoold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake up with goold fillin' inye'er teeth. "

"Yes, " said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son was in here this mornin', an' hesays a frind iv his wint to sleep out in th' open wan night, an' whin hegot up his pants assayed four ounces iv goold to th' pound, an' hiswhiskers panned out as much as thirty dollars net. "

"If I was a young man an' not tied down here, " said Mr. Hennessy, "I'dgo there: I wud so. "

"I wud not, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man in th' ol'counthry, we heerd th' same story about all America. We used to set beth' tur-rf fire o' nights, kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an'wishin' we was in New York, where all ye had to do was to hold ye'er hatan' th' goold guineas'd dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man, Icome over here with a ham and a bag iv oatmeal, as sure that I'd returnin a year with money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I was that me namewas Martin Dooley. An' that was a cinch. 

"But, faith, whin I'd been here a week, I seen that there was nawthin'but mud undher th' pavement, --I larned that be means iv a pick-axe attin shillin's th' day, --an' that, though there was plenty iv goold, thimthat had it were froze to it; an' I come west, still lookin' f'r mines. Th' on'y mine I sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f'r sewer pipe. I madeit. Siven shillin's th' day. Smaller thin New York, but th' livin' wascheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw, put ye'er hand around th'glass. 

"I was still dreamin' goold, an' I wint down to Saint Looey. Th'nearest I come to a fortune there was findin' a quarther on th' sthreetas I leaned over th' dashboord iv a car to whack th' off mule. Whin Igot to Chicago, I looked around f'r the goold mine. They was Injuns herethin. But they wasn't anny mines I cud see. They was mud to be shovelledan' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats to be walked. I choose th' dhray; f'r Iwas niver cut out f'r a copper, an' I'd had me fill iv excavatin'. An' Idhruv th' dhray till I wint into business. 

"Me experyence with goold minin' is it's always in th' nex' county. If Iwas to go to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in Seeberya. So I thinkI'll stay here. I'm a silver man, annyhow; an' I'm contint if I can seegoold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over hisnewspaper. I'm thinkin' that ivry man has a goold mine undher his owndure-step or in his neighbor's pocket at th' farthest. "

"Well, annyhow, " said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to kick up th' sod, an'find a ton iv goold undher me fut. "

"What wud ye do if ye found it?" demanded Mr. Dooley. 

"I--I dinnaw, " said Mr. Hennessy, whose dreaming had not gone this far. Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with great enthusiasm, "I'd throwup me job an'--an' live like a prince. "

"I tell ye what ye'd do, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'd come back here an'sthrut up an' down th' sthreet with ye'er thumbs in ye'er armpits; an'ye'd dhrink too much, an' ride in sthreet ca-ars. Thin ye'd buy foldin'beds an' piannies, an' start a reel estate office. Ye'd be fooled a gooddeal an' lose a lot iv ye'er money, an' thin ye'd tighten up. Ye'd be ina cold fear night an' day that ye'd lose ye'er fortune. Ye'd wake up inth' middle iv th' night, dhreamin' that ye was back at th' gas-housewith ye'er money gone. Ye'd be prisidint iv a charitable society. Ye'dhave to wear ye'er shoes in th' house, an' ye'er wife'd have ye aroundto rayciptions an dances. ' Ye'd move to Mitchigan Avnoo, an' ye'd hire acoachman that'd laugh at ye. Ye'er boys'd be joods an' ashamed iv ye, an' ye'd support ye'er daughters' husbands. Ye'd rackrint ye'er tinantsan' lie about ye'er taxes. Ye'd go back to Ireland on a visit, an' puton airs with ye'er cousin Mike. Ye'd be a mane, close-fisted, onscrupulous ol' curmudgeon; an', whin ye'd die, it'd take half ye'erfortune f'r rayqueems to put ye r-right. I don't want ye iver to speakto me whin ye get rich, Hinnissy. "

"I won't, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

ON BOOKS. 

"Ivry time I pick up me mornin' paper to see how th' scrap come out atBatthry D, " said Mr. Dooley, "th' first thing I r-run acrost issomethin' like this: 'A hot an' handsome gift f'r Christmas is Lucy AnnPatzooni's "Jims iv Englewood Thought"'; or 'If ye wud delight th'hear-rt iv yer child, ye'll give him Dr. Harper's monymental histhry ivth' Jewish thribes fr'm Moses to Dhry-fuss' or 'Ivrybody is r-readin'Roodyard Kiplin's "Busy Pomes f'r Busy People. "' Th' idee iv givin'books f'r Christmas prisints whin th' stores are full iv tin hor-rns an'dhrums an' boxin' gloves an choo-choo ca-ars! People must be crazy. "

"They ar-re, " said Mr. Hennessy. "My house is so full iv books yecudden't tur-rn around without stumblin' over thim. I found th' life ivan ex-convict, the 'Prisoner iv Zinders, ' in me high hat th' other day, where Mary Ann was hidin' it fr'm her sister. Instead iv th' chidherfightin' an' skylarkin' in th' evenin', they're settin' around th' tablewith their noses glued into books. Th' ol' woman doesn't read, but shepicks up what's goin' on. 'Tis 'Honoria, did Lor-rd What's-his-namemarry th' fair Aminta?' or 'But that Lady Jane was a case. ' An' so itgoes. There's no injymint in th' house, an' they're usin' me cravats f'rbookmarks. "

"'Tis all wrong, " said Mr. Dooley. "They're on'y three books in th'wurruld worth readin', --Shakespeare, th' Bible, an' Mike Ahearn'shisthry iv Chicago. I have Shakespeare on thrust, Father Kelly r-readsth' Bible f'r me, an' I didn't buy Mike Ahearn's histhry because I seenmore thin he cud put into it. Books is th' roon iv people, speciallynovels. Whin I was a young man, th' parish priest used to preach againthim; but nobody knowed what he meant. At that time Willum Joyce had th'on'y library in th' Sixth Wa-ard. Th' mayor give him th' bound volumesiv th' council proceedings, an' they was a very handsome set. Th' on'ybooks I seen was th' kind that has th' life iv th' pope on th' outsidean' a set iv dominos on th' inside. They're good readin'. Nawthin' cudbe better f'r a man whin he's tired out afther a day's wurruk thin to goto his library an' take down wan iv th' gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchooran' play a game iv dominos f'r th' dhrinks out iv it. Anny other kind ivr-readin', barrin' th' newspapers, which will niver hurt anny onedycatedman, is desthructive iv morals. 

"I had it out with Father Kelly th' other day in this very matther. Hewas comin' up fr'm down town with an ar-rmful iv books f'r prizes at th'school. 'Have ye th' Key to Heaven there?' says I. 'No, ' says he, 'th'childher that'll get these books don't need no key. They go in under th'turnstile, ' he says, laughin'. 'Have ye th' Lives iv th' Saints, or theChristyan Dooty, or th' Story iv Saint Rose iv Lima?' I says. 'I havenot, ' says he. 'I have some good story books. I'd rather th' kids'dr-read Char-les Dickens than anny iv th' tales iv thim holy men thatwas burned in ile or et up be lines, ' he says. 'It does no good in thesedegin'rate days to prove that th' best that can come to a man f'rbehavin' himsilf is to be cooked in a pot or di-gisted be a line, ' hesays. 'Ye're wrong, ' says I. 'Beggin' ye'er riv'rince's pardon, ye'rewrong, ' I says. 'What ar-re ye goin' to do with thim young wans? Ye'regoin' to make thim near-sighted an' round-shouldered, ' I says. 'Ye'regoin' to have thim believe that, if they behave thimsilves an' lead avirchous life, they'll marry rich an' go to Congress. They'll wake upsome day, an' find out that gettin' money an behavin' ye'ersilf don'talways go together, ' I says. 'Some iv th' wickedest men in th' wurruldhave marrid rich, ' I says. 'Ye're goin' to teach thim that a man doesn'thave to use an ax to get along in th' wurruld. Ye're goin' to teach thimthat a la-ad with a curlin' black mustache an' smokin' a cigareet isalways a villyan, whin he's more often a barber with a lar-rge family. Life, says ye! There's no life in a book. If ye want to show thim whatlife is, tell thim to look around thim. There's more life on a Saturdahnight in th' Ar-rchy Road thin in all th' books fr'm Shakespeare to th'rayport iv th' drainage thrustees. No man, ' I says, 'iver wrote a bookif he had annything to write about, except Shakespeare an' Mike Ahearn. Shakespeare was all r-right. I niver read anny of his pieces, but theysound good; an' I know Mike Ahearn is all r-right. '"

"What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"He took it all r-right, " said Mr. Dooley. "He kind o' grinned, an' sayshe: 'What ye say is thrue, an' it's not thrue, ' he says. 'Books is f'rthim that can't injye thimsilves in anny other way, ' he says. 'If ye'rein good health, an' ar-re atin' three squares a day, an' not ayether sador very much in love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an' not carin'a'--he said rush--'not carin' a rush, ye don't need books, ' he says. 'But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, yeneed books. 'Tis betther to be comfortable at home thin to go to th'circus, an' 'tis betther to go to th' circus thin to r-read anny book. But 'tis betther to r-read a book thin to want to go to th' circus an'not be able to, ' he says. 'Well, ' says I, 'whin I was growin' up, halfth' congregation heard mass with their prayer books tur-rned upsidedown, an' they were as pious as anny. Th' Apostles' Creed niver was ascon-vincin' to me afther I larned to r-read it as it was whin I cudden'tread it, but believed it. '"

ON REFORM CANDIDATES. 

"That frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilligent man, " said Mr. Dooley. "All he needs is an index an' a few illusthrations to make him abicyclopedja iv useless information. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously, "he ain't no Soc-rates an' heain't no answers-to-questions colum; but he's a good man that goes tohis jooty, an' as handy with a pick as some people are with a cocktailspoon. What's he been doin' again ye?"

"Nawthin', " said Mr. Dooley, "but he was in here Choosday. 'Did yevote?' says I. 'I did, ' says he. 'Which wan iv th' distinguished bunkosteerers got ye'er invalu'ble suffrage?' says I. 'I didn't have nonewith me, ' says he, 'but I voted f'r Charter Haitch, ' says he. 'I've beenwith him in six ilictions, ' says he, 'an' he's a good man, ' he says. 'D'ye think ye're votin' f'r th' best?' says I. 'Why, man alive, ' Isays, 'Charter Haitch was assassinated three years ago, ' I says. 'Washe?' says Dugan. 'Ah, well, he's lived that down be this time. He was agood man, ' he says. 

"Ye see, that's what thim rayform lads wint up again. If I likedrayformers, Hinnissy, an' wanted f'r to see thim win out wanst in theirlifetime, I'd buy thim each a suit iv chilled steel, ar-rm thim withraypeatin' rifles, an' take thim east iv State Sthreet an' south ivJackson Bullyvard. At prisint th' opinion that pre-vails in th' ranks ivth' gloryous ar-rmy iv rayform is that there ain't annything worthseein' in this lar-rge an' commodyous desert but th' pest-house an' thebridewell. Me frind Willum J. O'Brien is no rayformer. But Willum J. Undherstands that there's a few hundherds iv thousands iv people livin'in a part iv th' town that looks like nawthin' but smoke fr'm th' roofiv th' Onion League Club that have on'y two pleasures in life, to wurrukan' to vote, both iv which they do at th' uniform rate iv wan dollaran' a half a day. That's why Willum J. O'Brien is now a sinitor an' willbe an aldherman afther next Thursdah, an' it's why other people aresinding him flowers. 

"This is th' way a rayform candydate is ilicted. Th' boys down town hasheerd that things ain't goin' r-right somehow. Franchises is bein'handed out to none iv thim; an' wanst in a while a mimber iv th' club, comin' home a little late an' thryin' to ricon-cile a pair iv r-roundfeet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy that pushesin his face an' takes away all his marbles. It begins to be talked thatth' time has come f'r good citizens f'r to brace up an' do somethin', an' they agree to nomynate a candydate f'r aldherman. 'Who'll we putup?' says they. 'How's Clarence Doolittle?' says wan. 'He's laid up witha coupon thumb, an' can't r-run. ' 'An' how about Arthur Doheny?' 'Iswore an oath whin I came out iv colledge I'd niver vote f'r a man thatwore a made tie. ' 'Well, thin, let's thry Willie Boye. ' 'Good, ' saysth' comity. 'He's jus' th' man f'r our money. ' An' Willie Boye, afterthinkin' it over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three dozen pairs ivpants, an' decides f'r to be th' sthandard-bearer iv th' people. Musin'over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his champagne, he bets a polopony again a box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous; an' all th'good citizens make a vow f'r to set th' alar-rm clock f'r half-pastthree on th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be up in time to votef'r th' riprisintitive iv pure gover'mint. 

"'Tis some time befure they comprehind that there ar-re other candydatesin th' field. But th' other candydates know it. Th' sthrongest ivthim--his name is Flannigan, an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an'liquors, an' he lives over his establishment. Flannigan was nomynatedenthusyastically at a prim'ry held in his bar-rn; an' before Willie Boyehad picked out pants that wud match th' color iv th' Austhreelyan ballotthis here Flannigan had put a man on th' day watch, tol' him to speakgently to anny ray-gistered voter that wint to sleep behind th' sthove, an' was out that night visitin' his frinds. Who was it judged th' cakewalk? Flannigan. Who was it carrid th' pall? Flannigan. Who was it sthudup at th' christening? Flannigan. Whose ca-ards did th' grievin' widow, th' blushin' bridegroom, or th' happy father find in th' hack?Flannigan's. Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see Flannigan wasn't out f'r th' goodiv th' community. Flannigan was out f'r Flannigan an' th' stuff. 

"Well, iliction day come around; an' all th' imminent frinds iv goodgover'mint had special wires sthrung into th' club, an' waited f'r th'returns. Th' first precin't showed 28 votes f'r Willie Boye to 14 f'rFlannigan. 'That's my precin't, ' says Willie. 'I wondher who voted thimfourteen?' 'Coachmen, ' says Clarence Doolittle. 'There are thirty-fiveprecin'ts in this ward, ' says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'Atthis rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon, ' he says, 'put a keg ivsherry wine on th' ice, ' he says. 'Well, ' he says, 'at last th'community is relieved fr'm misrule, ' he says. 'To-morrah I will start inarrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitrationthreety, ' he says. 'We must be up an' doin', ' he says. 'Hol' on there, 'says wan iv th' comity. 'There must be some mistake in this fr'm th'sixth precin't, ' he says. 'Where's the sixth precin't?' says Clarence. 'Over be th' dumps, ' says Willie. 'I told me futman to see to that. Helives at th' corner iv Desplaines an Bloo Island Av'noo on Goose'sIsland, ' he says. 'What does it show?' 'Flannigan, three hundherd an'eighty-five; Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz, twinty; O'Malley, sivinteen;Casey, ten; O'Day, eight; Larsen, five; O'Rourke, three; Mulcahy, two;Schmitt, two; Moloney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two; Willie Boye, wan. ' 'Gintlemin, ' says Willie Boye, arisin' with a stern look in hiseyes, 'th' rascal has bethrayed me. Waither, take th' sherry wine offth' ice. They'se no hope f'r sound financial legislation this year. I'mgoin' home. '

"An', as he goes down th' sthreet, he hears a band play an' sees aprocission headed be a calceem light; an', in a carredge, with his plughat in his hand an' his di'mond makin' th' calceem look like a piece ivpunk in a smoke-house, is Flannigan, payin' his first visit this side ivth' thracks. "

ON PATERNAL DUTY. 

"I'm havin' a time iv it with Terence, " said Mr. Hennessy, despondently. 

"What's th' la-ad been doin'?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"It ain't so much what he's doin', " Mr. Hennessy explained, "as what heain't doin. ' He ain't stayin' home iv nights, an' he ain't wurrukin';but he does be out on th' corner with th' Cromleys an' th' rest, dancin'jig steps an' whistlin' th' 'Rogue's March' whin a polisman goes by. Sure, I can do nawthin' with him, f'r he's that kind an' good at homethat he'd melt th' heart iv a man iv stone. But it's gray me life is, thinkin' iv what's to become iv him whin he gets to be a man grown. Ye're lucky, Martin, that ye're childless. "

"Sure, I cudden't be anny other way, an' hold me good name, " said Mr. Dooley. "An', whin I look about me sometimes, it's glad I am. They'sebeen times, perhaps--But lave that go. Is there somethin' in th' air oris it in oursilves that makes th' childher nowadays turn out to curseth' lives iv thim that give thim life? It may be in th' thrainin'. WhinI was a kid, they were brought up to love, honor, an' respect th' ol'folks, that their days might be long in th' land. Amen. If they didn't, th' best they cud do was to say nawthin' about it. 'Twas th' back iv th'hand an' th' sowl iv th' fut to th' la-ad that put his spoon first intoth' stirabout. Between th' whalin's we got at school h'isted on th' backiv th' big boy that was bein' thrainned to be a Christyan brother an'th' thumpin's we got at home, we was kept sore an' sthraight fr'm wanyear's end to another. 'Twas no mild doses they give us, ayether. I mindwanst, whin I was near as big as I am now, I handed back some onkindre-emarks to me poor father that's dead. May he rest in peace, perDominum! He must iv been a small man, an' bent with wurruk an' worry. But did he take me jaw? He did not. He hauled off, an' give me a r-righthook where th' bad wurruds come fr'm. I put up a pretty fight, f'r meyears; but th' man doesn't live that can lick his own father. He rowledme acrost an oat-field, an' I give up. I didn't love him anny too wellf'r that lickin', but I respected him; an', if he'd come into this placeto-night, --an' he'd be near a hundherd: he was born in th' year '98, an'pikes was hid in his cradle, --if he come in here to-night an' pulled meear, I'd fear to go again him. I wud so. 

"'Tis th' other way about now. Did ye iver know a man be th' name ivAhearn? Ye did not? Well, maybe he was befure yer time. He was a cobblerbe thrade; but he picked up money be livin' off iv leather findings an'wooden pegs, an' bought pieces iv th' prairie, an' starved an' boughtmore, an' starved an' starved till his heart was shrivelled up like awasherwoman's hand. But he made money. An' th' more he made, th' more hewanted, an', wantin' nawthin' more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, whokept th' curse f'r his own time. This man Ahearn, whin he had acres an'acres on Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that prayed at nightsf'r him that he might live long an' taste sorrow, he marrid a girl. Hername was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish woman; an' she died whin a boywas bor-rn. Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high mass an' a monumentat Calv'ry that ye can see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain. An' he come fr'm th'fun'ral with th' first smile on his face that anny man iver see there, an' th' baby in his ar-rms. 

"I'll not say Ahearn was a changed man. Th' love iv money was knittedinto his heart; an', afther th' la-ad come, th' way he ground th' peoplethat lived in his house was death an' destruction. 'I must provide f'rme own, ' he said. But thim that was kind to th' kid cud break th' crust, an' all th' r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r th' favors he giveto th' ol' frauds an' beguilin' women that petted Dan'l O'ConnellAhearn. Nawthin' was too good f'r th' kid. He had nurses an' servants towait on him. He had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f'r a year. Whin hewas old enough, he was sint to Saint Ignatyous. An' th' ol' man'd takehim walkin' on a Sundah, an' pint out th' rows an' rows iv houses, withth' childher in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an' their fathersglowerin' fr'm the windows, an' say, 'Thim will all be yours whin yegrow up, Dan'l O'Connell, avick. '

"Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to see that Dan'l O'Connell wasa bor-rn idjet. They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he waslazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short, Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin. ' Hedidn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards, but not f'r money. He did nawthin' that was bad; an' yet he was no goodat all, at all, --just a slow, tired, aisy-goin', shamblin' la-ad, --th'sort that'd wrench th' heart iv a father like Ahearn. I dinnaw what hedid fin'lly, but wan night he come into my place an' said he'd beenturned out be his father an' wanted a place f'r to sleep. 'Ye'll sleepat home, ' says I. 'Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf, --him a richman. ' An' I put on me coat, an' wint over to Ahearn's. I was a power inth' wa-ard in thim days, an' feared no man alive. Th' ol' la-ad met usat th' dure. Whin I started to speak, he blazed up. 'Misther Dooley, 'says he, 'my sorrows are me own. I'll keep thim here. As f'r ye, ' hesays, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy an' sthruck him with his ol'leathery hand. Th' boy stood f'r a minyit, an' thin walked out, me withhim. I niver see him since. We left Ahearn standin' there, as we used tosay iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered between th' river an' th'wall. "

"Ye're lucky to be alone, " said Mr. Hennessy as he left. 

"I think so, " said Mr. Dooley. But there was no content upon his face ashe watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up with Mr. Hennessy, exchangea curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where Mrs. Hennessycould be seen reading the "Key of Heaven" beside the parlor stove. 

ON CRIMINALS. 

"Lord bless my sowl, " said Mr. Dooley, "childher is a gr-reatrisponsibility, --agr-reat risponsibility. Whin I think iv it, I praiseth' saints I niver was married, though I had opporchunities enough whinI was a young man; an' even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go downbe Cologne Sthreet on account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that woman'lltake me dead or alive. I wake up in a col' chill in th' middle iv th'night, dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches. 

"But that's not here or there, avick. I was r-readin' in th' pa-apers iva lad be th' name iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short r-road f'r near alifetime; an' I minded th' first time I iver see him, --a bit iv acurly-haired boy that played tag around me place, an' 'd sing 'BlestSaint Joseph' with a smile on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell whatmakes wan man a thief an' another man a saint? I dinnaw. This here boy'sfather wur-rked fr'm morn till night in th' mills, was at early massSundah mornin' befure th' alkalis lit th' candles, an' niver knowed amonth whin he failed his jooty. An' his mother was a sweet-faced littlewoman, though fr'm th' County Kerry, that nursed th' sick an' waked th'dead, an' niver had a hard thought in her simple mind f'r anny iv Gawd'screatures. Poor sowl, she's dead now. May she rest in peace!

"He didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father or fr'm his mother. Hisbrothers an' sisters was as fine a lot as iver lived. But this la-adPetey Scanlan growed up fr'm bein' a curly-haired angel f'r to be th'toughest villyun in th' r-road. What was it at all, at all? Sometimes Ithink they'se poison in th' life iv a big city. Th' flowers won't growhere no more thin they wud in a tannery, an' th' bur-rds have no song;an' th' childher iv dacint men an' women come up hard in th' mouth an'with their hands raised again their kind. 

"Th' la-ad was th' scoorge iv th' polis. He was as quick as a cat an' asfierce as a tiger, an' I well raymimber him havin' laid out big Kellythat used to thravel this post, --'Whistlin'' Kelly that kep' us awakewith imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd, --I well raymimber him scuttlin' upth' alley with a score iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f'r ashot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or undher th' thrucks. Heslep' in th' coal-sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud square itwith th' loot. But, whin he come out, ye cud see how his face hadhardened an' his ways changed. He was as silent as an animal, with asideways manner that watched ivrything. Right here in this place I seenhim stand f'r a quarther iv an' hour, not seemin' to hear a dhrunk manabusin' him, an' thin lep out like a snake. We had to pry him loose. 

"Th' ol' folks done th' best they cud with him. They hauled him out ivstation an' jail an' bridewell. Wanst in a long while they'd dhrag himoff to church with his head down: that was always afther he'd beensloughed up f'r wan thing or another. Between times th' polis give himhis own side iv th' sthreet, an' on'y took him whin his back wastur-rned. Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain iv thim on top ivhim, sway in' an' swearin' an' sthrikin' each other in their hurry toput him to sleep with their clubs. 

"I mind well th' time he was first took to be settled f'r good. I heerda noise in th' ya-ard, an' thin he come through th' place with his facedead gray an' his lips just a turn grayer. 'Where ar-re ye goin', Petey?' says I. 'I was jus' takin' a short cut home, ' he says. In threeminyits th' r-road was full iv polismin. They'd been a robbery down inHalsted Sthreet. A man that had a grocery sthore was stuck up, an' whinhe fought was clubbed near to death; an' they'd r-run Scanlan throughth' alleys to his father's house. That was as far as they'd go. They wasenough iv thim to've kicked down th' little cottage with their heavyboots, but they knew he was standin' behind th' dure with th' big gun inhis hand; an', though they was manny a good lad there, they was nonethat cared f'r that short odds. 

"They talked an' palavered outside, an' telephoned th' chief iv polis, an' more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f'r settin' fire to th'buildin', but no wan moved ahead. Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' whoshud come out but th' little mother. She was thin an' pale, an' she hadher apron in her hands, pluckin' at it. 'Gintlemin, ' she says, 'what isit ye want iv me?' she says. 'Liftinant Cassidy, ' she says, ''tissthrange f'r ye that I've knowed so long to make scandal iv me before meneighbors, ' she says. 'Mrs. Scanlan, ' says he, 'we want th' boy. I'msorry, ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape, an' we must have him, 'he says. She made a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures. 'Twas less than aminyit before she come out, clingin' to th' la-ad's ar-rm. 'He'll go, 'she says. 'Thanks be, though he's wild, they'se no crime on his head. Isthere, dear?' 'No, ' says he, like th' game kid he is. Wan iv th'polismin stharted to take hold iv him, but th' la-ad pushed him back;an' he wint to th' wagon on his mother's ar-rm. "

"And was he really innocent?" Mr. McKenna asked. 

"No, " said Mr. Dooley. "But she niver knowed it. Th' ol' man come homean' found her: she was settin' in a big chair with her apron in herhands an th' picture iv th' la-ad in her lap. "

ON A PLOT. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "th' European situation is becomin' a littlegay. "

"It 'tis so, " said Mr. Hennessy. "If I was conthrollin' anny iv thegr-reat powers, I'd go down to th' Phosphorus an' take th' sultan be th'back iv th' neck an' give him wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f'r him tobe desthroyin' white people without anny man layin' hands on him. Th'man's no frind iv mine. He ought to be impeached an' thrun out. "

"Divvle take th' sultan, " said Mr. Dooley. "It's little I care f'r himor th' likes iv him or th' Ar-menyans or th' Phosphorus. I was runnin'over in me mind about th' poor lads they have sloughed up beyant f'rattimptin' to blow up Queen Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia. Glory be, but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld as aisy to undherstand as arivoluchonary plot be our own people. You'll see a lad iv th' right sortthat'd niver open his head fr'm wan end iv th' year to th'other; but, whin he's picked out to go on a mission to London, he niver laves offtalkin' till they put him aboord th' steamer. Here was Tynan. They sayhe had a hand in sindin' Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though I'dnot thrust his own tellin' as far as th' len'th iv me ar-rm. Now hefigured out that th' thrue way to free Ireland was to go over an' blowth' windows in Winzer Palace, an' incidentally to hist th' queen an' th'Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' elevator. What this here Tynanhad again th' Rooshian cza-ar I niver heerd. But 'twas something awful, ye may be sure. 

"Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was to go to Madison SquareGarden an' hold a secret meetin', in which thim that was to hand th'package to th' queen and thim that was to toss a piece iv gas pipe tohis cza-ars was told off. Thin a comity was sint around to th' newspaperoffices to tell thim th' expedition was about to start. Th'conspirators, heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th' boat be a longprocission. First come Tynan ridin' on a wagon-load iv nithroglycerine;thin th' other conspirators, with gas-pipe bombs an' picks an' chuvvelsf'r tunnellin' undher Winzer Castle; thin th' Ah-o-haitches; thin th'raypoorthers; thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in th' ga-arb ivpolismin. An' so off they wint on their secret mission, with th' bandplayin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green, ' an Tynan standin' on th' quartherdeck, smilin' an' bowin' an' wavin' a bag iv jint powdher over his head. 

"No sooner had th' conspirators landed thin th' British gover'mint begunto grow suspicious iv thim. Tynan was shadowed be detictives incitizens' clothes; an', whin he was seen out in his backyard practisin'blowin' up a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a shawl an' a little lace cap, th' suspicions growed. Ivrywhere that Tynan wint he was purshooed be th'minions iv tyranny. Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th' queen's, an' unloaded a dhray full iv explosives an' chuvvels, the fact wasrayported to th' polis, who become exthremely vigilant. Th' detictivesfollowed him to Scotland Yard, where he wint to inform th' captain ivth' conspiracy, an' overheard much damming ividence iv th' plot untilthey become more an' more suspicious that something was on, althoughwhat was th' intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to make out fr'mtheir peculiar actions. Whin Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park, an' notified thim iv the positions they was to take and disthributed th'dinnymite among thim, th' detictives become decidedly suspicious. Theirsuspicions was again aroused whin Tynan asked permission iv th' commoncouncil to build a bay window up close to th' queen's bedroom. But th'time to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'him through th' sthreets an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks as'Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th' queen has on'y to be around thisneighborhood nex' week with a shovel an' a basket, ' an' 'Onless ye wantye'er clothes to be spoiled be th' czar, ye'd best carry umbrellas. ' Onth' followin' day Tynan took th' step that was needed f'r to con-vinceth' gover'mint that he had designs on the monarchs. He wint to France. It's always been obsarved that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow upannything in London, he laves th' counthry. Th' polis, now thoroughlyaroused, acted with commindable promptness. They arristed Tynan inBooloon f'r th' murdher iv Cavendish. 

"Thus, " said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "thus is th' vengeance f'r which ourbeloved counthry has awaited so long delayed be th' hand ivonscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as our heroes may, no secrecy is secureagainst th' corruption iv British goold. Oh, Ireland, is this to be thyfate forever? Ar-re ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis, thimcold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th' very thoughts iv ye'er pathriotsons?"

"There must have been a spy in th' ranks, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Sure thing, " said Mr. Dooley, winking at Mr. McKenna. "Sure thing, Hinnissy. Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives at Scotland Yardskeep a close watch iv the newspapers. Or it may be--who knows?--thatTynan was indiscreet. He may have dhropped a hint of his intintions. "

ON THE NEW WOMAN. 

"Molly Donahue have up an' become a new woman!

"It's been a good thing f'r ol' man Donahue, though, Jawn. He shtudivrything that mortal man cud stand. He seen her appearin' in th' roadwearin' clothes that no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle; he washumiliated whin she demanded to vote; he put his pride under his ar-rman' ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry onth' piannah. But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now. He was in herelas' night, how-come-ye-so, with his hat cocked over his eye an' a lookiv risolution on his face; an' whin he left me, he says, says he, 'Dooley, ' he says, 'I'll conquir, or I'll die, ' he says. 

"It's been comin f'r months, but it on'y bust oh Donahue las' week. He'dcome home at night tired out, an' afther supper he was pullin' off hisboots, whin Mollie an' th' mother begun talkin' about th' rights ivfemales. ''Tis th' era iv th' new woman, ' says Mollie. 'Ye're right, 'says th' mother. 'What d'ye mean be the new woman?' says Donahue, holdin' his boot in his hand. 'Th' new woman, ' says Mollie, ''ll be freefr'm th' opprision iv man, ' she says. 'She'll wurruk out her own way, without help or hinderance, ' she says. She'll wear what clothes shewants, ' she says, 'an' she'll be no man's slave, ' she says. 'They'll beno such thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown an' makin' herdipindant on his whims, ' she says. 'Th' women'll earn their own livin', 'she says; 'an' mebbe, ' she says, 'th' men'll stay at home an' dredge inth' house wurruk, ' she says. 'A-ho, ' says Donahue. 'An' that's th' newwoman, is it?' he says. An' he said no more that night. 

"But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an' Mollie come to his dure. 'Getup, ' says Mrs. Donahue, 'an' bring in some coal, ' she says. 'Ye drowsyman, ye'll be late f'r ye'er wurruk. ' 'Divvle th' bit iv coal I'llfetch, ' says Donahue. 'Go away an' lave me alone, ' he says. 'Ye'reinthruptin' me dreams. ' 'What ails ye, man alive?' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Get up. ' 'Go away, ' says Donahue, 'an lave me slumber, ' he says. 'Th'idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f'r ye, 'he says. 'Mollie 'll bring in th' coal, ' he says. 'An' as f'r you, Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'erdinner-pail, ' he says. 'I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago, ' hesays; 'an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeledoff befure th' sup'rintindint comes around, ' he says. 'Ye know ye can'tafford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition, ' he says. 'I'm going to sleep now, ' he says. 'An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cupiv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin, ' he says. 'I ixpect me music-teacherabout that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootovenbefure noon. ' 'Th' Lord save us fr'm harm, ' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Th'man's clean crazy. ' 'Divvle's th' bit, ' says Donahue, wavin' his redflannel undhershirt in th' air. 'I'm the new man, ' he says. 

"Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know whatto say. Mollie was game, an' she fetched in th' coal; but Mrs. Donahuegot nervous as eight o'clock come around. 'Ye're not goin' to stay inbed all day an' lose ye'er job, ' she says. 'Th' 'ell with me job, ' saysDonahue. 'I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees womenwith nawthin' to do, ' he says. 'Show me th' pa-apers, ' he says. 'I wantto see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f'r two and a half. ' He'sthat stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good womanweakened. 'Come, ' she says, 'don't be foolish, ' she says. 'Ye wudden'thave th' ol' woman wurrukin' in th' mills, ' she says. ''Twas all ajoke, ' she says. 'Oh-ho, th' ol' woman!' he says. 'Th' ol' woman! Well, that's a horse iv another color, ' he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' yeth' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria. ' So he dhressed himsilf an'wint out; an' says he to Mollie, he says: 'Miss Newwoman, ' says he, 'yemay find wurruk enough around th' house, ' he says. 'An', if ye havetime, ye might paint th' stoop, ' he says. 'Th' ol' man is goin' to taketh' ol' woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an' blow himsilf f'r a new shawlf'r her. '

"An' he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'larcustomer f'r a week. "

ON EXPERT TESTIMONY. 

"Annything new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently forMr. Dooley to put down his newspaper. 

"I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"What d'ye think iv it?"

"I think so, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Think what?"

"How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm nocombination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A manneeds to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdhertrile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogansays. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into abreakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin, is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. Into a vat, an'rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?"

"Ye ar-re, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"That's simple enough. What th' coort ought to've done was to call himup, an' say: 'Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman?' If Lootgert cudden'ttell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles; f'r a man must keephis wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's apoor provider. But, if Lootgert says, 'I don't know where me wife is, 'the coort shud say: 'Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in aweek, I'll fix ye. ' An' let that be th' end iv it. 

"But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an' stand him upbefure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to makepitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepyexpressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from acolledge. 'Profissor, ' says th' lawyer f'r the State, 'I put it to ye ifa wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep, an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic sodaboiled, an' if the leg iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah aboutbi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th'slimy, slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or ajawbone or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches--thatis, two inches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with yeintirely, ' says th' profissor. 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an'ir'n basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an'coal tar, which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hotfire, an' left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, whichI will call glue, an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an'obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure f'r freckles, which Iwill call antimony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please. '

"'But, ' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas, --an'I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test, --an' supposin'that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that athick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' youmay, takin' into account th' measuremints, --twelve be eight, --th' vatbein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'Inth' winter, ' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimesseen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoidbones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in acylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I willcall gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse tocall; but th' raysult is th' same. ' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'Answer: 'Yis. ' Th' coort: 'Th' same. ' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'Answer: 'Yis. ' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:'It dissolves th' hair. '

"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has thatcollection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here politediscussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan elsemeans? Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgertlook as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she oughtto be kilt? Isn't it time we wint to supper?' An', howiver they answer, they'll be right, an' it'll make little difference wan way or th' other. Th' German vote is too large an' ignorant, annyhow. "

ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN. 

"I knowed a man be th' name iv Clancy wanst, Jawn. He was fr'm th'County May-o, but a good man f'r all that; an', whin he'd growed to be abig, sthrappin' fellow, he wint on to th' fire departmint. They'se anIrishman 'r two on th' fire departmint an' in th' army, too, Jawn, though ye'd think be hearin' some talk they was all runnin' prim'riesan' thryin' to be cinthral comitymen. So ye wud. Ye niver hear iv thimon'y whin they die; an' thin, murther, what funerals they have!

"Well, this Clancy wint on th' fire departmint, an' they give him aplace in thruck twinty-three. All th' r-road was proud iv him, an' faithhe was proud iv himsilf. He r-rode free on th' sthreet ca-ars, an' wasth' champeen hand-ball player f'r miles around. Ye shud see him goin'down th' sthreet, with his blue shirt an' his blue coat with th' buttonson it, an' his cap on his ear. But ne'er a cap or coat'd he wear whinthey was a fire. He might be shiv'rin' be th' stove in th' ingine housewith a buffalo robe over his head; but, whin th' gong sthruck, 'twas offwith coat an' cap an' buffalo robe, an' out come me brave Clancy, bare-headed an' bare hand, dhrivin' with wan line an' spillin' th' hosecart on wan wheel at ivry jump iv th' horse. Did anny wan iver see afireman with his coat on or a polisman with his off? Why, wanst, whinClancy was standin' up f'r Grogan's eighth, his son come runnin' in totell him they was a fire in Vogel's packin' house. He dhropped th' kidat Father Kelly's feet, an' whipped off his long coat an' wint tearin'f'r th' dure, kickin' over th' poorbox an' buttin' ol' Mis' O'Neillthat'd come in to say th' stations. 'Twas lucky 'twas wan iv th'Grogans. They're a fine family f'r falls. Jawn Grogan was wurrukin' onth' top iv Metzri an' O'Connell's brewery wanst, with a man be th' nameiv Dorsey. He slipped an' fell wan hundherd feet. Whin they come to seeif he was dead, he got up, an' says he: 'Lave me at him. ' 'At who?'says they. 'He's deliryous, ' they says. 'At Dorsey, ' says Grogan. 'Hethripped me. ' So it didn't hurt Grogan's eighth to fall four 'r fivefeet. 

"Well, Clancy wint to fires an' fires. Whin th' big organ facthry burnt, he carrid th' hose up to th' fourth story an' was squirtin' whin th'walls fell. They dug him out with pick an' shovel, an' he come up fr'mth' brick an' boards an' saluted th' chief. 'Clancy, ' says th' chief, 'ye betther go over an' get a dhrink. ' He did so, Jawn. I heerd it. An'Clancy was that proud!

"Whin th' Hogan flats on Halsted Sthreet took fire, they got all th'people out but wan; an' she was a woman asleep on th' fourth flure. 'Who'll go up?' says Bill Musham. 'Sure, sir, ' says Clancy, 'I'll go';an' up he wint. His captain was a man be th' name iv O'Connell, fr'm th'County Kerry; an' he had his fut on th' ladder whin Clancy started. Well, th' good man wint into th' smoke, with his wife faintin' downbelow. 'He'll be kilt, ' says his brother. 'Ye don't know him, ' saysBill Musham. An' sure enough, whin ivry wan'd give him up, out comes mebrave Clancy, as black as a Turk, with th' girl in his arms. Th' otherswint up like monkeys, but he shtud wavin' thim off, an' come down th'ladder face forward. 'Where'd ye larn that?' says Bill Musham. 'I seen aman do it at th' Lyceem whin I was a kid, ' says Clancy. 'Was it allright?' 'I'll have ye up before th' ol' man, ' says Bill Musham. 'I'llteach ye to come down a laddher as if ye was in a quadhrille, yehorse-stealin', ham-sthringin' May-o man, ' he says. But he didn't. Clancy wint over to see his wife. 'O Mike, ' says she, ''twas fine, ' shesays. 'But why d'ye take th' risk?' she says. 'Did ye see th' captain?'he says with a scowl. 'He wanted to go. Did ye think I'd follow a Kerryman with all th' ward lukkin' on?' he says. 

"Well, so he wint dhrivin' th' hose-cart on wan wheel, an' jumpin' whinhe heerd a man so much as hit a glass to make it ring. All th' peoplelooked up to him, an' th' kids followed him down th' sthreet; an' 'twasth' gr-reatest priv'lige f'r anny wan f'r to play dominos with him nearth' joker. But about a year ago he come in to see me, an' says he, 'Well, I'm goin' to quit. ' 'Why, ' says I, 'ye'er a young man yet, ' Isays. 'Faith, ' he says, 'look at me hair, ' he says, --'young heart, ol'head. I've been at it these twinty year, an' th' good woman's wantin' tosee more iv me thin blowin' into a saucer iv coffee, ' he says. 'I'mgoin' to quit, ' he says, 'on'y I want to see wan more good fire, ' hesays. 'A rale good ol' hot wan, ' he says, 'with th' win' blowin' f'r itan' a good dhraft in th' ilivator-shaft, an' about two stories, withpitcher-frames an' gasoline an' excelsior, an' to hear th' chiefyellin': "Play 'way, sivinteen. What th' hell an' damnation are yestandin' aroun' with that pipe f'r? Is this a fire 'r a dam livin'pitcher? I'll break ivry man iv eighteen, four, six, an' chem'cal fiveto-morrah mornin' befure breakfast. " Oh, ' he says, bringin' his fistdown, 'wan more, an' I'll quit. '

"An' he did, Jawn. Th' day th' Carpenter Brothers' box factory burnt. 'Twas wan iv thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious men built outiv celluloid an' plasther iv Paris. An' Clancy was wan iv th' men undherwhin th' wall fell. I seen thim bringin' him home; an' th' little womanmet him at th' dure, rumplin' her apron in her hands. "

ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. 

"Whin I was a young man, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' that was a long timeago, --but not so long ago as manny iv me inimies'd like to believe, if Ihad anny inimies, --I played futball, but 'twas not th' futball I seewhin th' Brothers' school an' th' Saint Aloysius Tigers played las' weekon th' pee-raries. 

"Whin I was a la-ad, iv a Sundah afthernoon we'd get out in th' fieldwhere th' oats'd been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides. Wan cap'n'dpick one man, an' th' other another. 'I choose Dooley, ' 'I chooseO'Connor, ' 'I choose Dimpsey, ' 'I choose Riordan, ' an' so on till therewas twinty-five or thirty on a side. Thin wan cap'n'd kick th' ball, an'all our side'd r-run at it an' kick it back; an' thin wan iv th' otherside'd kick it to us, an' afther awhile th' game'd get so timpischousthat all th' la-ads iv both sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wanor th' other or at th' ball or at th' impire, who was mos'ly a la-adthat cudden't play an' that come out less able to play thin he was whinhe wint in. An', if anny wan laid hands on th' ball, he was kicked beivry wan else an' be th' impire. We played fr'm noon till dark, an'kicked th' ball all th' way home in the moonlight. 

"That was futball, an' I was a great wan to play it. I'd think nawthin'iv histin' th' ball two hundherd feet in th' air, an' wanst I give itsuch a boost that I stove in th' ribs iv th' Prowtestant minister--badluck to him, he was a kind man--that was lookin' on fr'm a hedge. I wasth' finest player in th' whole county, I was so. 

"But this here game that I've been seein' ivry time th' pagan fistivaliv Thanksgivin' comes ar-round, sure it ain't th' game I played. I seenth' Dorgan la-ad comin' up th' sthreet yestherdah in his futballclothes, --a pair iv matthresses on his legs, a pillow behind, a maskover his nose, an' a bushel measure iv hair on his head. He was followedbe three men with bottles, Dr. Ryan, an' th' Dorgan fam'ly. I jinedthim. They was a big crowd on th' peerary, --a bigger crowd than ye cudget to go f'r to see a prize fight. Both sides had their frinds thatgive th' colledge cries. Says wan crowd: 'Take an ax, an ax, an ax tothim. Hooroo, hooroo, hellabaloo. Christyan Bro-others!' an' th' othersays, 'Hit thim, saw thim, gnaw thim, chaw thim, Saint Aloysius!' Well, afther awhile they got down to wurruk. 'Sivin, eighteen, two, four, 'says a la-ad. I've seen people go mad over figures durin' th' freesilver campaign, but I niver see figures make a man want f'r to go outan' kill his fellow-men befure. But these here figures had th' sameeffect on th' la-ads that a mintion iv Lord Castlereagh'd have on theirfathers. Wan la-ad hauled off, an' give a la-ad acrost fr'm him a punchin th' stomach. His frind acrost th' way caught him in th' ear. Th'cinter rush iv th' Saint Aloysiuses took a runnin' jump at th' left lungiv wan iv th' Christyan Brothers, an' wint to th' grass with him. FourChristyan Brothers leaped most crooly at four Saint Aloysiuses, an'rolled thim. Th' cap'n iv th' Saint Aloysiuses he took th' cap'n iv th'Christyan Brothers be th' leg, an' he pounded th' pile with him as I'veseen a section hand tamp th' thrack. All this time young Dorgan wasstandin' back, takin' no hand in th' affray. All iv a suddent he give acry iv rage, an' jumped feet foremost into th' pile. 'Down!' says th'impire. 'Faith, they are all iv that, ' says I, 'Will iver they get up?''They will, ' says ol' man Dorgan. 'Ye can't stop thim, ' says he. 

"It took some time f'r to pry thim off. Near ivry man iv th' SaintAloysiuses was tied in a knot around wan iv th' Christyan Brothers. On'ywan iv them remained on th' field. He was lyin' face down, with his nosein th' mud. 'He's kilt, ' says I. 'I think he is, ' says Dorgan, with amerry smile. 'Twas my boy Jimmy done it, too, ' says he. 'He'll bearrested f'r murdher, ' says I. 'He will not, ' says he. 'There's on'ywan polisman in town cud take him, an' he's down town doin' th' same f'rsomebody, ' he says. Well, they carried th' corpse to th' side, an' tookth' ball out iv his stomach with a monkey wrinch, an' th' game wasray-shumed. 'Sivin, sixteen, eight, eleven, ' says Saint Aloysius; an'young Dorgan started to run down th' field. They was another young la-adr-runnin' in fr-front iv Dorgan; an', as fast as wan iv th' ChristyanBrothers come up an' got in th' way, this here young Saint Aloysiusgrabbed him be th' hair iv th' head an' th' sole iv th' fut, an' thrunhim over his shoulder. 'What's that la-ad doin'?' says I. 'Interferin', 'says he. 'I shud think he was, ' says I, 'an' most impudent, ' I says. ''Tis such interference as this, ' I says, 'that breaks up fam'lies'; an'I come away. 

"'Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see us Irish ar-re gettin' into it. Whin we larn it thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm th' piebelt a thrick or two. "

"We have already, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se a team up in Wisconsinwith a la-ad be th' name iv Jeremiah Riordan f'r cap'n, an' wan namedPatsy O'Dea behind him. They come down here, an' bate th' la-ads fr'mth' Chicawgo Colledge down be th' Midway. "

"Iv coorse, they did, " said Mr. Dooley. "Iv coorse, they did. An' theycud bate anny collection iv Baptists that iver come out iv a tank. "

ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH. 

"I wondher, " said Mr. Hennessy, "if thim Hadley-Markhams that's goin' togive th' ball is anny kin iv th' aldherman?"

"I doubt it, " said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed all his folks. They're Monaghanpeople, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin' into th' Hadleys, who comefr'm away beyant near th' Joynt's Causeway. What med ye think iv thim?"

"I was readin' about th' Prowtestant minister that give thim such aturnin' over th' other night, " said Hennessy. Then the Philistine wenton: "It looks to me as though th' man was wr-rong, an' th'Hadley-Markhams was right. Faith, th' more th' poor can get out iv th'r-rich, th' better f'r thim. I seen it put just r-right in th' paper th'other day. If these people didn't let go iv their coin here, they'd takeit away with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana, an' spind it instidiv puttin' it in circulation amongst th' florists an' dhressmakers an'hackmen they'll have to hire. I believe in encouragin' th' rich to walkaway fr'm their change. 'Tis gr-reat f'r business. "

Mr. Dooley mused over this proposition some time before he said:--

"Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a kid, hardly high enough to lookinto th' pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a rich landlord inour part iv Ireland; an' he ownded near half th' counthryside. His namewas Dorsey, --Willum Edmund Fitzgerald Dorsey, justice iv th' peace, mimber iv Parlymint. 

"I'll niver tell ye how much land that man had in his own r-right. Yecud walk f'r a day without lavin' it, bog an' oat-field an' pasthure an'game presarves. He was smothered with money, an' he lived in a house asbig as th' Audjitoroom Hotel. Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by ourplace, an' me father'd raise his head from th' kish iv turf an' touchhis hat to th' gr-reat man. An' wanst or twict in th' month th' dogs'dcome yelpin' acrost our little place, with lads follerin' afther inr-red coats; f'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat huntsman, bad scran to hisevil face. 

"He had th' r-reputation iv bein' a good landlord so long as th' cropscome regular. He was vilent, it's thrue, an' 'd as lave as not cut afarmer acrost th' face with his whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox;but he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy, that's a thrait thatcovers a multitude iv sins. He give freely to th' church, an' was asgin'rous to th' priest as to th' parson. He had th' gintry f'r milesaround to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an' huntin' meetin's, an'half th' little shopkeepers in th' neighborin' town lived on th' moneyhe spent f'r th' things he didn't bring fr'm Dublin or London. I mindwanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed th' whole season in Englandwith his fam'ly. It near broke th' townsfolk, an' they were wild withdelight whin he come back an' opened up th' big house. 

"But wan year there come a flood iv rain, an' th nex' year anotherflood, an' th' third year there wasn't a lumper turned up that wasn'tblue-black to th' hear-rt. We was betther off than most, an' we sufferedour share, Gawd knows; but thim that was scrapin' th' sod f'r a barelivin' fr'm day to day perished like th' cattle in th' field. 

"Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions. Th' bailiffs dhrove out insquads, seizin' cattle an' turnin' people into th' r-road. Nawthin' wudsoften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey. I seen th' priest an' th' 'Piscopalministher dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night; an' th' good manstopped at our house, comin' back, an' spent th' night with us. I heerdhim tell me father what Dorsey said. 'Haven't I been lib'ral with mepeople?' he says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches? Haven't Iput up soup-houses an' disthributed blankets whin th' weather was cold?Haven't I kept th' shopkeepers iv th' town beyant fr'm starvin' bethradin' with thim an' stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'ddone what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin' around Europe, enj'yin'life? I'm a risidint landlord. I ain't like Kilduff, that laves hisestate in th' hands iv an agint. I'm proud iv me station. I was bor-rnhere, an' here I'll die; but I'll have me r-rights. These here peopleowes their rent, an' I'll get th' rent or th' farms if I have to call onivry rig'mint fr'm Bombay to Cape Clear, an' turn ivry oat-field into apasture f'r me cattle. I stand on th' law. I'm a just man, an' I ask nomore thin what belongs to me. '

"Ivry night they was a party on th' hill, an' th' people come fr'm milesaround; an' th' tinants trudgin' over th' muddy roads with th' peelersbehind thim cud see th' light poorin' out fr'm th' big house an' hearDevine's band playin' to th' dancers. Th' shopkeepers lived in clover, an' thanked th' lord f'r a good landlord, an' wan that lived at home. But one avnin' a black man be th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thrampedacrost th' hills fr'm Galway just in time to rent f'r th' potato rot, wint and hid himself in a hedge along th' road with a shotgun loadedwith hardware under his coat. Dorsey'd heerd talk iv the people bein'aggrieved at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs were hustlin' menand women off their hold-in's; but he was a high-handed man, an' foolishin his pride, an' he'd have it no other way but that he'd go aboutwithout protection. This night he rode alongside th' carredge iv some ivhis frinds goin' to th' other side iv town, an' come back alone in th'moonlight. Th' Irish ar-re poor marksmen, Hinnissy, except whin theyfire in platoons; but that big man loomin' up in th' moonlight on ablack horse cud no more be missed thin th' r-rock iv Cashel. He niverknowed what hit him; an' Pether th' Packer come down th' followin'month, an' a jury iv shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so fast it med eventh' judge smile. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd beenon th' jury, I'd've starved to death before I'd give th' verdict. "

"Thrue, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dorsey was a fool. He might've evictedtwinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle. 'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lightsth' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in hisarrums that done th' business f'r Dorsey. "

ON THE POWER OF LOVE. 

"'Twas this way, " said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. "Fitz ledhis right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt, an' that was th' end iv th' fight an' iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how itwud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business. "

"Not at all, " said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons doneth' business. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady? Did ye? Well, 'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring. He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' firstlady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. Iknow it. 

"As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to havelittle reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none, poor lad; an' that accounts f'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' homeinfloo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin Corbett was poundin' th'first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first ladyiv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin'hero. 'Darlin'' she says, 'think iv ye'er home, me love. Think, ' shesays, 'iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, NewJersey, ' she says. 'Think iv th' love I bear ye, ' she says, 'an' pastehim, ' she says, 'in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw, ' she says. 'He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseasedan' achin' ribs, ' she says. 'Ah, love!' she says, 'recall thim happygoolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th'light iv th' moon, ' she says, 'an hurl yer maulies into his hoops, ' shesays. 'Hit him on th' slats!' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seenher face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him; an' thinkshe to himself: 'What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman? If I don'tnail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head. ' An' with thissacred sintimint in his heart he wint over an' jolted Corbett wan overth' lathes that retired him to th' home f'r decayed actors. 

"'Twas woman's love that done it, Hinnissy. I'll make a bet with yethat, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th'first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like tohave such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' toher. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we'rebringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacksinthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men tofight, an' th' business iv their wives f'r to make thim fight. Ye maytalk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this wayon'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth. Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th'fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition asbrutal an' disgustin', but divvle a wan iv thim but was waitin' aroundth' corner f'r th' rayturns, an' prayin' f'r wan or th' other iv th'big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. Hesaid it was a disgraceful an' corruptin' affair, an' he was ashamed tosee th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent. But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust-lin' down th' sthreet. 'Niceday, ' he says. It was poorin' rain. 'Fine, ' says I. 'They was no paradeto-day, ' he says. 'No, ' says I. 'Too bad, ' says he; an' he started togo. Thin he turned, an' says he: 'Be th' way, how did that there foulan' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' 'Fitz, ' says I, 'in th'fourteenth. ' 'Ye don't say, ' he says, dancin' around. 'Good, ' he says. 'I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headedman iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock--Oh, dear!' he says, 'what am I sayin'?' 'Ye're sayin', ' says I, 'whatnine-tenths iv th' people, laymen an' clargy, are sayin', ' I says. 'Well, ' he says, 'I guess ye're right. ' he says. 'Afther all, ' he says, 'an' undher all, we're mere brutes; an' it on'y takes two lads morebrutal than th' rest f'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorcerules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins toflow. ' he says. 'It's too bad, too bad. ' he says. 'Tell me, was Corbettmuch hurted?' he says. "

ON THE VICTORIAN ERA. 

"Ar-re ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"What's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, with a violent start. 

"To-day, " said Mr. Dooley, "her gracious Majesty Victorya, Queen ivGreat Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f'rsixty long and tiresome years. "

"I don't care if she has snowed f'r sixty years, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I'll not cillybrate it. She may be a good woman f'r all I know, but damher pollytics. "

"Ye needn't be pro-fane about it, " said Mr. Dooley. "I on'y ast ye acivil question. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am notwith th' queen an' I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agreewith me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f'rth' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymiteundher thim that does. I don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-renot both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutivesays whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, 'Pathrites will usetheir own discreetion. '

"Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm; an', beyond throwin' a rock ortwo into an orangey's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worthiv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver hadagain her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis nouse carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th' time th' lordchamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in hernitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sinan' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' Iought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee. I wud, too, if I had annydi'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty orthirty f'r me. 

"Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years. Durin' our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-richan' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sunniver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein'kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I waslookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th'Atlantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard IleComp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave, so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyedbe fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thinrise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was notburned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat JimMace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an'Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Corbett; an', if I live tocillybrate me goold-watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put itall over Fitz. 

"Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' Victorya's! Think iv thatgran' procission iv lithry men, --Tinnyson an' Longfellow an' Bill Nyean' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an'--an' I can't name thim all:they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals, --Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'U. S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' mereign. An' th' invintions, --th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an'th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machinean' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sodyfountain an'--crownin' wurruk iv our civilization--th' cash raygisther. What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's! f'r, whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep, while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in. 

"Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in merhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an' how mannypeople have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud ivmesilf. War an' pest'lence an' famine have occurred in me time, but Icount thim light compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' racesince I come on th' earth. "

"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. "Allthis time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance toth' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo intwinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things?"

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen. "

ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION. 

"There's some tough knots in this here currency question, " said Mr. McKenna. "A lot of things I don't quite catch. "

"Cough thim up, " said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddychism iv coinage. Who made ye? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, loveHim, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism Ilearned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge; but now 'tis: Who made ye?Ladenburg, Thalman an' Comp'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r toknow thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho!"

"That's all r-right, " said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, whowas leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine, Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a smallpamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populistan' an anarchist an' a big bullhead gen'rally. Ye bring up two or threeJew men, an' think f'r to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' aman comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an'I give it a wallop with me hammer"--

"Thin, " said Mr. Dooley, "ye're knockin' th' gover'mint. "

"How am I?" said Mr. Larkin. "Niver mind now: I take this here silverdollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens?"

"Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Not at all, not at--all, " said Mr. Larkin. "I take this here mutilatedan' disfigured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in;an' Carlisle says, 'What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye'reflingin' at me?' he says. 'Take it away: it's nawthin' to me. '"

"True for you, Larkin, " said Mr. McKenna. "You're on the right track. Carlisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it. "

"But, " said Mr. Dooley, "look here: if ye had th' free an' unlimitedcoinage iv silver at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this heremass iv silver down to Carlisle, an' say, 'Here, Jawn, give me adollar'; an' he'd have to give it to ye. "

"A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna. 

"A dollar iv what?" repeated Mr. Dooley. "A dollar iv what? Man alive, don't ye know what a dollar is? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case, a buck. He'd say, 'Here, Larkin, ye're a dam fool to be malthreatin' th'currincy iv yer adophted counthry, but I have to give ye a dollarbecause ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Dooley's. '"

"He wouldn't say anything of the kind, " said Mr. McKenna. "He'd giveLarkin fifty cents. "

"I'd push his face in if he did, " said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I'm as gooda ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me. "

"But he wouldn't rob you, " said Mr. McKenna. "Think of the purchasingpower: you've got to always figure that out. A dollar you'd get thenwould be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollarlike they run through the ringer down in Mexico. "

"How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, ifthey're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answeredMr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other. Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. 'Give me a brandyan' sody, ' ye say. Thin what do I say?"

"You say you're just out of brandy and soda. "

"So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f'r a little liquor with beer f'r achaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartzdollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'same thing, an' I give him th' same threatment. I play no fav-rites. Entertainmint f'r man an' beast. "

"But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink, "said Mr. McKenna. 

"I wud not, " said Mr. Dooley, hotly. "I niver overcharged a man in mylife, except durin' a campaign. "

"No one accuses you of overcharging, " explained Mr. McKenna. "Everybodywould charge the same. It'd be the regular price. "

"If it was, " said Mr. Dooley, "they'd be a rivolution. But I don'tbelieve it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard ivvalue. It niver fluctuates; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so muchiv it goes down. It was th' same price--fifteen cints a slug, two f'r aquarther--durin' the war; an' it was th' same price afther the war. Theday befure th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints: it wasworth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day, down another; but whisky stands firm an' strong, unchangeable as th'skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f'r a quarther. If theywant something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver israjjooced in price, something ye can exchange f'r food an' otherluxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst, they'd move th' Mint over to th' internal rivinue office, and lave itstay there. "

Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy. 

"There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion, " said theKerry man. "I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare moneyto th' human lungs. "

"Th' lung argumint is all right, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' whole currencyquestion is a matther iv lungs. "

ON POLITICAL PARADES. 

Mr. Hennessy, wearing a silver-painted stovepipe hat and a silver capeand carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hatwas dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hennessy'sface. 

"Where ye been?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"Ma-archin, '" said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th'p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye?"

"I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny ivmine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin we got as faras th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other. Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, "ye're an ol' man; an', as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry tocon-vince ye iv th' error iv ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that hasthings in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put atorch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poorround feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence. 

"I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in ourhisthry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' onth' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution mustbe upheld, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmeran' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, thatye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'erspine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' toplay circus? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have tohave ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce hasmade ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant?

"Jawnny Mack took me down in th' afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrousp'rade iv th' goold men. It was a gloryous spectacle. Th' sthreets werecrowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th'procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side beside, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists. It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin'ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th'layboryous occupations iv th' week was reelin' undher banners thatdhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to showtheir allegance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel cokeinto a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate hisprofession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn'tmarch with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, aman's feet have to be mates; an', if he has two left feet both runnin'sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin'fire to his knees. Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a legstuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-pastsix o'clock th' avenin' before pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv anAmerican citizen makin' a gloryous spectacle iv himsilf. "

"They were coerced, " said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily. 

"Don't ye believe it, " replied the philosopher. "It niver requirescoercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisidintialcampaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's tooaisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an'bar'ls on their feet was coerced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wudden'tgive his week's wages f'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thripover a manhole in a mile. No more coerced than ye are whin ye r-run downtown an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'mFinucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a bannerdeclarin' that he was no slave. 'Twas th' la-ad Johnson. He wasr-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people havewashin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had abanner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too. He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f'r him to get somewithout wurrukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther WillumJ. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, Iwudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But didWillum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy, if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worthsixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow, I proved me hathred iv capital. "

"So ye did, " said Mr. Dooley. "So ye did. An' capital this afthernoonshowed its hatred iv ye. Ye ought to match blisters to see which hatesth' worst. Capital is at home now with his gams in a tub iv hot wather;an' whin he comes down to-morrah to oppriss labor an' square hisprotisted notes, he'll have to go on all fours. As f'r you, Hinnissy, if'twill aise ye anny, ye can hang f'r a few minyits fr'm th' gasfixtures. Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade?"

"No, " said Mr. Hennessy. "But they rayviewed th' day procission fr'm th'Pammer House. Both iv thim was on th' stand. "

ON CHARITY. 

"Br-r-r!" cried Mr. McKenna, entering stiffly and spreading his handsover the potbellied stove. "It's cold. "

"Where?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Not here. "

"It's cold outside, " said Mr. McKenna. "It was ten below at Shannahan'sgrocery when I went by, and the wind blowing like all possessed. Lordlove us, but I pity them that's got to be out to-night. "

"Save ye'er pity, " said Mr. Dooley, comfortably. "It ain't cowld inhere. There's frost on th' window, 'tis thrue for ye; an' th' wheels hasbeen singin' th' livelong day. But what's that to us? Here I am, an'there ye are, th' stove between us an' th' kettle hummin'. In a minyitit'll bile, an' thin I'll give ye a taste iv what'll make a king iv ye. 

"Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be dhrivin' a coal wagon or asthreet-car; but 'tis all in a lifetime. Th' diff'rence between me an'th' man that sets up in th' seat thumpin' his chest with his hands is nomore thin th' diff'rence between him an' th' poor divvle that walksalong behind th' wagon with his shovel on his shoulder, an' 'll thankth' saints f'r th' first chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal into acellar f'r a quarther iv a dollar. Th' lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an'th' dhriver invies me; an' I might invy big Cleveland if it wasn't f'rth' hivinly smell iv this here noggin. An' who does Cleveland invy?Sure, it'd be sacreliege f'r me to say. 

"Me ol' father, who was as full iv sayin's as an almanac, used to sinkhis spoon into th' stirabout, an' say, 'Well, lads, this ain't bacon an'greens an' porther; but it'll be annything ye like if ye'll on'y thinkiv th' Cassidys. ' Th' Cassidys was th' poorest fam'ly in th' parish. They waked th' oldest son in small beer, an' was little thought of. Didme father iver ask thim in to share th' stirabout? Not him. An' he wasthe kindest man in th' wurruld. He had a heart in him as big as a lumpiv turf, but he'd say, 'Whin ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows toye'ersilf, ' he says. ''Tis th' wise man that goes through life thinkin'iv himsilf, fills his own stomach, an' takes away what he can't ate inhis pocket. ' An' he was r-right, Jawn. We have throubles enough iv ourown. Th' wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find fifty men to sayth' lit'ny f'r ye to wan that'll give ye what'll relieve a fastin' spit. Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote amonyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. 'Tiscowld outside th' dure, ye say, but 'tis war-rum in here; an' I'mgettin' in me ol' age to think that the diff'rence between hivin an'hell is no broader"--

Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut short by a cry from the back room. It wasunmistakably a baby's cry. Mr. McKenna turned suddenly in amazement asMr. Dooley bolted. 

"Well, in the name of the saints, what's all this?" he cried, followinghis friend into the back room. He found the philosopher, with anexpression of the utmost sternness, sitting on the side of his bed, witha little girl of two or three in his arms. The philosopher wassinging:----

 Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on th' three top: Whin th' wind blo-ows, th' cradle ull r-rock; An', a-whin th' bough breaks, th' cradle ull fa-a-a-ll, An' a-down ull come babby, cradle, an' all. 

Then he sang:----

 In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid, In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid. She had cheeks like th' roses, an' hair iv th' same, An' a mouth like ripe sthrawburries burrid in crame. 

He rocked the child to and fro, and its crying ceased while he sang:----

 Chip, chip, a little horse; Chip, chip, again, sir. How manny miles to Dublin? Threescure an' tin, sir. 

The little girl went to sleep on Mr. Dooley's white apron. He lifted hertenderly, and carried her over to his bed. Then he tiptoed out with anapprehensive face, and whispered: "It's Jawn Donahue's kid that wandherdaway fr'm home, an' wint to sleep on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boyto tell th' mother, but he's a long time gone. Do ye run over, Jawn, an'lave thim know. "

ON NANSEN. 

"I see, " said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc Nansen has come back. "

"Yes, " said Mr. McKenna. "It's a wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. IfI was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty-ump north of Evanstonthese days, they couldn't pry me off it with a crowbar. Not they. "

"He had to come back, " explained Mr. Hennessy. "He got as far as he cud, an' thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th' weather to return tohis home in Feechoold, Norway. "

"To where?" Mr. Dooley asked contemptuously. 

"To Foocheeld, Norway, " said Mr. Hennessy, with some misgivings. 

"Ye don't know what ye're talkin' about, " retorted the philosopher. "Yeought to go back to school an' study gee-ography. Th' place he come backto was Oostoc, Norway, between Coopenhaagen an'--an' Rogers Park. "

"Maybe ye're right, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Annyhow, he come back, chasedbe a polar bear. It must iv been a thrillin' experience, leppin' fr'miceberg to iceberg, with a polar bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants, an' now an' thin a walrus swoopin' down fr'm a three an' munchin' hishat. "

"What ta-alk have ye?" Mr. Dooley demanded. "A walrus don't fly, foolishman!"

"What does he do, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Go 'round on crutches?"

"A walrus, " said Mr. Dooley, "is an animal something like a hor-rse, butmore like a balloon. It doesn't walk, swim, or fly. It rowls whinpur-suin' its prey. It whirls 'round an' 'round at a speed akel to arailroad injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind it. Tame walrusesare used be th' Eskeemyoos, th' old settlers iv thim parts, aslawnmowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild walrus is a mos' viciousanimal, which feeds on snowballs through th' day, an' thin goes out ivnights afther artic explorers, which for-rms its principal diet. Theysea gr-reat demand among walruses f'r artic explorers, Swedes preferred;an' on account iv th' scarcity iv this food it isn't more than wanst intwinty years that th' walrus gets a square meal. Thin he devours hisvictim, clothes, collar-buttons, an' all. "

"Well, well, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I had no idee they was that ferocious. I thought they were like bur-rds. Don't they lay eggs?"

"Don't they lay eggs?" Mr. Dooley replied. "Don't they lay eggs? Did yeiver hear th' like iv that, Jawn? Why, ye gaby, ye might as well ask medoes a pianny lay eggs. Iv coorse not. "

"I'd like to know what the objict of these here arctic explorations is, "interposed Mr. McKenna, in the interests of peace. 

"Th' principal objict is to get rid iv an over-supply iv foolishpeople, " said Mr. Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man begins f'r tosee sthrange things, an' hitch up cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbiltdhrivin' a four-in-hand, we sind him to what me ol' frind Sleepy Burkcalls th' brain college. But in Norway an' Sweden they sind him to th'North Pole, an' feed him to th' polar bears an' th' walruses. A man thatscorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt or is caught thryin' to fryout a stick iv dinnymite in a kitchen stove is given a boat an' sint offto play with Flora an' Fauna in th' frozen North. "

"That's what I'd like to know, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Who ar-re theseFlora an' Fauna? I see be th' pa-aper that Doc Nansen stopped atNootchinchoot Islands, an' saw Flora an' Fauna; an' thin, comin' back onth' ice, he encountherd thim again. "

"I suppose, " said Mr. Dooley, "ye think Flora an' Fauna is two littleEskeemy girls at skip-rope an' 'London bridge is fallin' down' on th'icebergs an' glaziers. It's a pretty idee ye have iv th' life in thimparts. Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stoop-tag aroun' a whale orrushin' th' can f'r their poor tired father just home fr'm th'rollin'-mills, where he's been makin' snowballs f'r th' export thrade, or engagin' in some other spoort iv childhood! Go wan with ye!"

"But who are they, annyhow?"

"I make it a rule in me life not to discuss anny woman's charac-ter, "replied Mr. Dooley, sternly. "If Doc Nansen was off there skylarkin'with Flora an' Fauna, it's his own business, an' I make no inquiries. Alady's a lady, be she iver so humble; an', as Shakespeare says, cursedbe th' man that'd raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke. We'lltalk no scandal in this house, Hinnissy. "

But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley leaned over confidentially, and whispered to Mr. McKenna, "But who are Flora an' Fauna, Jawn?"

"I don't know, " said Mr. McKenna. 

"It sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow, " said the philosopher. "I hopeth' doc'll be able to square it with his wife. "

ON A POPULIST CONVENTION. 

"Keep ye'er eye on th' Pops, Jawn. They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reatpa-arty. What is their principles? Anny ol' thing that th' otherpa-arties has rijected. Some iv thim is in favor iv coining money out ivbaled hay an' dhried apples at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, an' some is infavor iv coinin' on'y th' apples. Thim are th' inflationists. Otherswant th' gover'mint to divide up the rivinues equally among all la-adsthat's too sthrong to wurruk. Th' Pops is again th' banks an' again thesupreme court an again havin' gas that can be blowed out be th' humanlungs. A sthrong section is devoted to th' principal iv separatin' MarkHanna fr'm his money. 

"A ma-an be th' name iv Cassidy, that thravels f'r a liquor-house, wasin to see me this mornin'; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey. He said it beatall he iver see or heerd tell of. Whin th' convintion come to ordher, th' chairman says, 'La-ads, we'll open proceedin's be havin' th'Hon'rable Rube Spike, fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv Okalahoma, cough uphis famous song, "Pa-pa Cleveland's Teeth are filled with Goold. "' 'Mr. Chairman, ' says a delegate fr'm New Mexico, risin' an' wavin' his bootsin th' air, 'if th' skate fr'm Okalahoma is allowed f'r to belch anny inthis here assimblage, th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv NewMex-ico'll lave th' hall. We have, ' he says, 'in our mist th' Hon'rableLafayette Hadley, whose notes, ' he says, 'falls as sweetly on th' ear, 'he says, 'as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in a bar'l, ' he says. 'If annywanhas a hemorrhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe Hadley, th'Guthrie batsoon, ' he says. 'Ye shall not, ' he says, 'press down upon ourbleedin' brows, ' he says, 'this cross iv thorns, ' he says. 'Ye shall notcrucify th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico on thiscross iv a Mississippi nigger an' Crow Injun fr'm Okalahoma, ' he says. Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New Mexico diligation left th'hall, pursued be th' diligation from Okalahoma. 

"Th' chairman knowed his business. 'In ordher, ' he says, 'that there maybe no disordher, ' he says, 'I will call upon th' imperyal States, ' hesays, 'an Territ'ries, ' he says, 'beginnin' with th' imperyal State ivAlabama, ' he says, 'to each sind wan singer to th' platform, ' he says, 'f'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies, ' he says. 'Meantime, ' says he, 'pathrites who have differences iv opinyon on anny questions canpro-cure ex-helves be applyin' to th' sergeant-at-arms, ' he says. 'Now, 'he says, 'if th' gintleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Mizzoury'll handme up a cheek full iv his eatin' tobacco, ' he says, 'we'll listen toWillyum G. Rannycaboo, th' boy melodjun iv th' imperyal State ivAlabama, ' he says, 'who'll discourse his well-known ballad, 'Th' SupremeCourt is Full iv Standard Ile, ' he says. 

"Whin th' singin' had con-cluded, so me frind Cassidy says, th' chairannounced that speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' convintion rose aswan man. Afther ordher had been enforced be th' sergeant-at-arms movin'round, an' lammin' diligates with a hoe, a tall man was seen standin' ona chair. F'r some moments th' chairman was onable to call his name, buthe fin'lly found a place to spill; an' in a clear voice he says, 'F'rwhat purpose does th' gintleman fr'm the imperyal State iv Texas arise?''I arise, ' says th' ma-an, 'f'r th' purpose iv warnin' this convintionthat we have a goold-bug in our mist, ' he says. Cries iv 'Throw himout!' 'Search him!' 'Hang him!' arose. 'In wandhrin' through th' hall, Ijust seen a man with a coat on, ' he says. Great excitement ensood, saysme frind Cassidy; an' th' thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle. 'What have ye to say f'r ye'ersilf?' demands th' chairman in thundhrin'tones. 'On'y this, ' says th' goold-bug. 'I wandhered in here, lookin'f'r frinds, ' he says. 'I am not a goold-bug, ' he says. 'I wear me coat, 'he says, 'because I have no shirt, ' he says. 'Gintlemen, ' says th'chairman, 'a mistake has been made, ' he says. 'This here person, whobears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is all right underneath, ' he says. 'He's a diligate to th' silver convintion, ' he says. 'Go in peace, ' hesays. 

"Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th' convintion adjourned. 'Befure ye lave, ' says th' chairman, 'I have to announce that on accountiv th' chairman of the comity havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bedan' th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire extinguisher f'r a shower bath, they'll be no meeting' iv th' comity on rules till to-morrow night. Durin' th' interval, ' he says, 'th' convintion'll continueketch-as-ketch can, ' he says. "

"Well, " said Mr. McKenna, "to think of taking this here country out ofthe hands of William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland and J. PierpontMorgan and Ickleheimer Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of suchmen. What do you think about it?"

"I think, " said Mr. Dooley, "that Cassidy lied. "

ON A FAMILY REUNION. 

"Why aren't you out attending the reunion of the Dooley family?" Mr. McKenna asked the philosopher. 

"Thim's no rel-ations to me, " Mr. Dooley answered. "Thim's farmerDooleys. No wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry. We live in th'city, where they burn gas an' have a polis foorce to get on to. We're nofarmers, divvle th' bit. We belong to th' industhreel classes. Thim mustbe th' Fermanagh Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an' always on good termswith th' landlord, bad ciss to thim, says I. We're from Roscommon. They'se a Dooley family in Wixford an' wan near Ballybone that belongedto th' constabulary. I met him but wanst. 'Twas at an iviction; an', though he didn't know me, I inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him back ivth' ear with a bouldher th' size iv ye'er two fists together. He didn'tknow me aftherwards, ayether. 

"We niver had but wan reunion iv th' Dooley fam'ly, an' that was tinyears ago. Me cousin Felix's boy Aloysius, --him that aftherwards wint toNew York an' got a good job dhrivin' a carredge f'r th' captain iv apolis station, --he was full iv pothry an' things; an' he come around wannight, an' says he, 'D'ye know, ' he says, ''twud be th' hite iv a goodthing f'r th' Dooleys to have a reunion, ' he says. 'We ought to cometogether, ' he says, 'an' show the people iv this ward, ' he says, 'howsthrong we are, ' he says. 'Ye might do it betther, me buck, ' says I, 'shovellin' slag at th' mills, ' I says. 'But annyhow, if ye'er mind'sset on it, go ahead, ' I says, 'an' I'll attind to havin' th' polisthere, ' I says, 'f'r I have a dhrag at th' station. '

"Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Roscommon Dooleys; an' on aSaturdah night we come together in a rinted hall an' held th' reunion. 'Twas great sport f'r a while. Some iv us hadn't spoke frindly to eachother f'r twinty years, an' we set around an' tol' stories iv Roscommonan' its green fields, an' th' stirabout pot that was niver filled, an'th' blue sky overhead an' th' boggy ground undherfoot. 'Which Dooley wasit that hamsthrung th' cows?' 'Mike Dooley's Pat. ' 'Naw such thing:'twas Pat Dooley's Mike. I mane Pat Dooley's Mike's Pat. ' F'r 'tis withus as with th' rest iv our people. Ye take th' Dutchman: he has as mannynames to give to his childher as they'se nails in his boots, but anIrishman has th' pick iv on'y a few. I knowed a man be th' name ivClancy, --a man fr'm Kildare. He had fifteen childher; an', whin th' las'come, he says, 'Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny saints?' 'None iv thimthrades here, ' says I. 'Why?' says I. 'They'se a new kid at th' house, 'he says; 'an', be me troth, I've run out iv all th' saints I knew, an', if somewan don't come to me assistance, I'll have to turn th' child outon th' wurruld without th' rag iv a name to his back, ' he says. 

"But I was tellin' ye about th' reunion. They was lashins iv dhrink an'story-tellin', an' Felix's boy Aloysius histed a banner he had madewith 'Dooley aboo' painted on it. But, afther th' night got along, someiv us begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't been frinds f'r long. Mrs. Morgan Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley befure she married Morgan, she turns to me, an' says she, ''Tis sthrange they let in that Hoganwoman, ' she says, --that Hogan woman, Jawn, bein' th' wife iv herhusband's brother. She heerd her say it, an' she says, 'I'd have ye toundherstand that no wan iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold uptheir heads with th' Hogans, ' she says. ''Tis not f'r th' likes iv ye toslandher a fam'ly that's iv th' landed gintry iv Ireland, an' f'r twopins I'd hit ye a poke in th' eye, ' she says. If it hadn't been f'r mebein' between thim, they'd have been trouble; f'r they was good frindswanst. What is it th' good book says about a woman scorned? Faith, I'veforgotten. 

"Thin me uncle Mike come in, as rough a man as iver laid hands on apolisman. Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th' vartues iv th'fam'ly. 'Th' Dooleys, ' says he, 'can stand before all th' wurruld, an'no man can say ought agin ayether their honor or their integrity, ' sayshe. 'Th' man that's throwin' that at ye, ' says me uncle Mike, 'stole asaw fr'm me in th' year sivinty-five. ' Felix paid no attintion to meuncle Mike, but wint on, 'We point proudly to th' motto, "Dooleyaboo--Dooley f'river. "' 'Th' saw aboo, ' says me uncle Mike. 'Th'Dooleys, ' says Felix, 'stood beside Red Hugh O'Neill; an', whin he cutaff his hand, --' 'He didn't cut it off with anny wan else's saw, ' saysme uncle Mike. 'They'se an old sayin', ' wint on Felix. 'An' ol' saw, 'says me uncle Mike. 'But 'twas new whin ye stole it. '

"'Now look here, ' says Aloysius, 'this thing has gone far enough. 'Tisan outrage that this here man shud come here f'r to insult th' head ivth' fam'ly. ' 'Th' head iv what fam'ly?' says Morgan Dooley, jumpin' upas hot as fire. 'I'm th' head iv th' fam'ly, ' he says, 'be right ivhisthry. ' 'Ye're an ol' cow, ' says me uncle Mike. 'Th' back iv me handan' th' sowl iv me fut to all iv ye, ' he says. 'I quit ye, ' he says. 'Ye're all livin' here undher assumed names'; an' he wint out, followedbe Morgan Dooley with a chair in each hand. 

"Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th' hall'd speak whin th' meetin'broke up; an' th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day, who's th' head ivth' Dooley fam'ly. All I know is that I had wan th' nex' mornin'. "

ON A FAMOUS WEDDING. 

"Ye see, Jawn, " he said "'twas this way: The Jook iv Marlburrow is ayoung lad an' poor. Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor, but 'tis a factthat they'se many a wan iv thim that's carryin' th' banner at thisminyit. Hinnissy, if he had his rights, is Jook iv Munster; an' ye knowwhat he's got. The Jook iv Marlburrow, whin he come out iv th' academywhere they had him, he hadn't a cint to his name. Ne'er a wan. 

"They ain't manny jobs f'r a young jook. Th' thrade is limited; an' thishere la-ad wint round night an' day lookin' f'r a sign, 'Wanted, a youngjook, r-ready an' willin' to do light family jookin', ' an' no sign didhe see. He was in a bad way; f'r the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol'jook. He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce fr'm his wife, an' marridanother; an', whin he died, she marrid somewan else an' took theroly-boly with her. This was ha-ard on th' lad. 

"But he come iv a noble race, an' wan that had reed burruds whin theirbetthers had snowballs. Did ye iver read histhry, Jawn? Ye ought to. 'Tis betther thin th' Polis Gazette, an' near as thrue. Well, Jawn, thishere young man come fr'm a gr-eat gin'ral, a fine-lookin' la-ad that hadmanny a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be wan iv thim. Ye'll findall about him in Casey's 'Histhry iv English Misrule in Ireland: Th'Story iv a Crime. ' 'Tis good readin'. 

"Th' la-ad's father marrid a rich woman. So did his uncle. So ye see hewas a natural bor-rn fi-nanceer. An' he begun to luk around him f'r whatth' pa-apers calls a 'financee. '

"He didn't have far to go. I dinnaw how he done it, whether th'Ganderbilks asked him 'r he asked th' Ganderbilks. Annyhow, 'twasarranged. 'Twas horse an' horse between thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money, an' he was a jook. They was wan divorce on each side. So they importedhim over, what they call assisted immygration. He didn't come undherth' head iv skilled workman. They must've classed him as a domesticservant. Th' first thing he done was to get himsilf arristed. A man beth' name iv Sweeney, --there are some good Sweeneys, though it's a name Idon't like on account iv wan iv thim stealin' me fa-ather'sgrin'stone, --a man be th' name iv Sweeney, a polisman, r-run him in f'rdisordherly conduct. They got him out with a pull. Thin he sint f'rlawyers an' f'r his financee's father, an' they settled down to talkbusiness. 'Well, ' says Ganderbilk, 'how much d'ye want?' he says. 'I'llgive ye a millyon. ' 'Goowan, ' says th' jook, 'I cud get that muchmarryin' somewan I knew. ' 'Thin how much d'ye want?' says Ganderbilk. 'Well, ' says th' jook, th' castle has to be put in repair. Th' plumbin'is all gone to th' divvle, an' they'll have to be a new catch-basin putin, ' he says. 'Thin they'se calciminin' an' paper-hangin', --well, callit tin millyons. ' 'But what do I get out iv it?' says Ganderbilk. 'Haveye a ticket to th' church to see me marrid?' says th' jook. 'No, ' sayshis pappa-in-law. 'Well, here's a couple, ' says th' jook. 'Bring wan ivye'er frinds with ye. ' So Ganderbilk he coughed. 

"They say th' jook was that poor he had to have his coat made out iv whatwas left over fr'm his pants, they do so. But he was at th' churchbright an' early; an' Ganderbilk he was there, too, standin' out on th'steps in th' cold, combin' his whiskers--he wears a pair ivsluggers--with his fingers. Afther awhile his daughter, the jook'sfinancee, come along; an', seein' the jook, says she, 'Pappa, ' she says, 'inthrojooce me to ye'er frind. ' 'Jook, ' says Ganderbilk, 'shake handswith me daughther. She's your's, ' he says. An' so they were marrid. 

"Well, Jawn, " said Mr. Dooley, becoming serious, "'tis a dhroll wurruld, an' I suppose we've got to take th' jooks an' th' Ganderbilks with ther-rest. I'm goin' to a weddin' mesilf nex' week. Th' banns has beencalled between little Dalia Hogan an' big Tom Moran. They've beenengaged f'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry an' him doin'overtime at th' blast. They've money enough to start, an' it'll not costol' ma-an Hogan a cint. But, whin he spoke about it las' night, he criedas if his heart'd break. "

ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY. 

Mr. McKenna was aware that a gentle feud had existed between Mr. Dooleyand Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloon-keeper down Archey Road, forsome years. It was based upon racial differences, but had been accentedwhen Mr. Schwartzmeister put in a pool table. Of course there was nooutburst. When the two met on the street, Mr. Dooley saluted hisneighbor cordially, in these terms: "Good-nobben, Hair Schwartzmeister, an' vas magst too yet, me brave bucko!" To which Mr. Schwartzmeisterinvariably retorted: "Py chapers, Tooley, where you haf been all dertime, py chapers?" But this was mere etiquette. In the publicity oftheir own taverns they entertained no great regard for each other. Mr. Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had been poisoned by Mr. Dooley'sbeer, and Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather go to a harness-shopfor whiskey than to Mr. Schwartzmeister's. Consequently, Mr. McKennawas amazed to learn that Mr. Schwartzmeister had been entertained by thephilosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a latehour. 

"Tubby sure he was, " said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right whereye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an' him callin' f'r hotIrish. 'Make it hot, ' he says. 'Make it hot, me frind; an' we'll make ithot f'r th' British between us, ' says Schwartzmeister. 

"It come about this way: Ye see Willum Joyce come in, an' says he, 'We've got thim. ' 'Sure, ' says I. 'We've the comityman, haven't we?''Th' Dutch is with us, ' he says. 'I mane the Germans is our frinds. ''Ye're goin' too far there, ' says I. 'Stuckart was again Reed las'spring. ' 'No, no, ' says Willum Joyce, he says. 'Th' Germans is up inar-rms again th' Sassenach, ' he says. 'Mind ye, ' he says, 'mind ye, ' hesays, ''tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans, ' he says. 'I'mnow on me way f'r to organize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th'slough, ' he says. An' off he goes. 

"'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th'Green' down th' sthreet, an' in come Schwartzmeister. 'Faugh a ballagh, 'says he, meanin' to be polite. 'Lieb vaterland, ' says I. An' we had adhrink together. 

"'Vell, ' says he (ye know th' murdhrin' way he has iv speakin'), 'herewe are, ' he says, 'frinds at las'. ' 'Thrue f'r ye, ' says I. 'Tooley, ' hesays, f'r he calls me that, 'we're wan to-night, alretty, ' he says. 'Weare that, ' says I. 'But, glory be, who iver thought th' Irish'd live tosee th' day whin they'd be freed be th' Dutch? Schwartz, me lieberfrind, ' I says, 'here's a health to th' imp'ror, hock, ' says I. 'Slanthu, ' says he; an' we had wan. 

"''Twud be a great combination, ' says I, 'We'd carry th' wa-ard be th'biggest majority iver heerd iv, ' I says. 'We wud so, ' says he. 'I'd bealdherman. ' 'Afther me, ' says I. ''Tis my turn first, ' I says. 'I don'tknow about that, ' says he. 'Now, ' says I, 'look here, Schwartzmeister, 'I says. 'This here arrangement between Germany an' Ireland has got to bebrought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard, ' I says. 'Do ye f'rgive th' way wedone ye in th' beer rites?' I says. 'I do, ' says he. 'They was befure metime. ' 'Well, ' says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye gotwhin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum PicnicBand?' I says. 'I do, ' says he. 'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th'way th' bridges has been give out?' 'Not a thrace, ' says he. 'Well, 'says I, 'Schwartz, ' I says, 'they'se wan thing more, ' I says. 'We'reboth pathrites, ' I says. 'We have a common cause, ' I says. 'Ye're aDutchman, an' I'm iv' th' other sort, ' I says. 'But we're both again th'Sassenach, ' I says. 'An' in th' inthrests iv th' freedom iv Ireland, ' Isays, 'I f'rgive ye th' pool table. '

"Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child. 'Tooley, ' he says, 'we'll marchside be side, ' he says. 'Both iv us in th' front rank, ' he says. 'Aldherman Tooley an' Aldherman Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland, ' hesays. 'But where does Germany come in?' he says. 'Germany!' says I, 'Germany! Well, we'll take care iv Germany, all right. We'll let Germansinto th' prim'ries, ' I says. An' there an' thin we formed th'Sarsfield-an'-Gatty camp. Gatty is a German frind iv Schwartzmeister. Weshook dice to see which name'd come first. Ireland won. They was mydice. 

"I learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van-Voght before we was through; an'I've got th' German naytional chune be heart, --'Ich vice nit wauss allusbay doitan'. What'll ye have to drink, Jawn?"

And, as Mr. McKenna went out, he heard his friend muttering: "Freed beth' Dutch! Freed be the Dutch! An' we niver give thim so much as adillygate. "

ON ORATORY IN POLITICS. 

"I mind th' first time Willum J. O'Brien r-run f'r office, th'Raypublicans an' th' Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th'Prohybitionist (he's dead now, his name was Larkin) nommynated a youngman be th' name iv Dorgan that was in th' law business in HalstedSthreet, near Cologne, to r-run again' him. Smith O'Brien Dorgan was hisname, an' he was wan iv th' most iloquint young la-ads that iver made aspeakin' thrumpet iv his face. He cud holler like th' impire iv abase-ball game; an', whin he delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt, ye'd think he was thryin' to confide thim to a man on top iv a highbuildin'. He was prisidint iv th' lithry club at th' church; an' FatherKelly tol' me that, th' day afther he won th' debate on th' pen an' th'soord in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a carpenter to mend th'windows, they'd sagged so. They called him th' boy or-rator iv Healey'sslough. 

"He planned th' campaign himsilf. 'I'll not re-sort, ' says he, 'to th'ordin'ry methods, ' he says. 'Th' thing to do, ' he says, 'is to prisintth' issues iv th' day to th' voters, ' he says. 'I'll burn up ivryprecin't in th' ward with me iloquince, ' he says. An' he bought a longblack coat, an' wint out to spread th' light. 

"He talked ivrywhere. Th' people jammed Finucane's Hall, an' he tol'thim th' time had come f'r th' masses to r-rise. 'Raymimber, ' says he, 'th' idees iv Novimb'r, ' he says. 'Raymimber Demosthens an' Cicero an'Oak Park, ' he says. 'Raymimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, ivWashin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jackson an' John L. Sullivan, ' hesays. 'Ye shall not, Billy O'Brien, ' he says, 'crucify th' voters iv th'Sixth Ward on th' double cross, ' he says. He spoke to a meetin' inDeerin' Sthreet in th' same wurads. He had th' sthreet-car stopped whilehe coughed up ree-marks about th' Constitution, until th' bar-rn bosssint down an' threatened to discharge Mike Dwyer that was dhrivin' wanhundherd an' eight in thim days, though thransferred to Wintworth Avnoolater on. He made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom an' to goodla-ads hoistin' mud out iv th' dhraw at th' red bridge. People'd besettin' quite in th' back room playin' forty-fives whin Smith O'BrienDorgan'd burst in, an' addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day. 

"Now all this time Bill O'Brien was campaignin' in his own way. He nivermed wan speech. No wan knew whether he was f'r a tariff or again wan, orwhether he sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or whether he had th'inthrests iv th' toilin' masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass atall, at all. But he got th' superintindint iv th' rollin'-mills withhim; an' he put three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th' gas-house, where he knew th' main guy, an' he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn bossiv th' sthreet-ca-ars. He wint to th' picnics, an' hired th' orchesthryf'r th' dances, an' voted himsilf th' most pop'lar man at th' churchfair at an expinse iv at laste five hundherd dollars. No wan that comenear him wanted f'r money. He had headquarthers in ivry saloon fr'm wanend iv th' ward to th' other. All th' pa-apers printed his pitcher, an'sthud by him as th' frihd iv th' poor. 

"Well, people liked to hear Dorgan at first, but afther a few monthsthey got onaisy. He had a way iv breakin' into festive gatherin's thatwas enough to thry a saint. He delayed wan prize fight two hours, encouragin' th' voters prisint to stand be their principles, while th'principles sat shiverin' in their cor-rners until th' polis r-run himout. It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin he come up th' sthreet. People in th' liquor business rayfused to let him come into theirplaces. His fam'ly et in th' coal-shed f'r fear iv his speeches atsupper. He wint on talkin', and Willum J. O'Brien wint on handin' outth' dough that he got fr'm th' gas company an' con-ciliatin' th' masses;an', whin iliction day come, th' judges an' clerks was all f'r O'Brien, an' Dorgan didn't get votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near allnight in his long coat, makin' speeches to himsilf; but tord mornin' hecome over to my place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads. 'Well, ' saysO'Brien, 'how does it suit ye?' he says. 'It's sthrange, ' says Dorgan. 'Not sthrange at all, ' says Willum J. O'Brien. 'Whin ye've been inpolitics as long as I have, ye'll know, ' he says, 'that th' roly-boly isth' gr-reatest or-rator on earth, ' he says. 'Th' American nation in th'Sixth Ward is a fine people, ' he says. 'They love th' eagle, ' he says, 'on th' back iv a dollar, ' he says. 'Well, ' says Dorgan, 'I can'tundherstand it, ' he says. 'I med as manny as three thousan' speeches, 'he says. 'Well, ' says Willum J. O'Brien, 'that was my majority, ' hesays. 'Have a dhrink, ' he says. "

ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS. 

The approach of Christmas is heralded in Archey Road by many of thesigns that are known to the less civilized and more prosperous parts ofthe city. The people look poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at othertimes. The bakeries assume an old country appearance of gayety. Thesaloons are well filled. Also, if you have your eyes about you, you maycatch a glimpse, now and then, through a frosted window-pane of astunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with glass balls and ropes ofred popcorn, the work of painful hands after the childher are abed. Mr. Dooley knew Christmas was coming by the calendar, the expiration of hisquarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming in with a doll in his pocketand a rocking-chair under his arm. 

"Prisints?" said the philosopher. 

"Yis, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I had to do it. I med up me mind this yearthat I wudden't buy anny Chris'mas prisints or take anny. I can'tafford it. Times has been fearful ha-ard, an' a look iv pain comes overth' ol' woman's face whin I hold out fifty cints fr'm me salary onSaturdah night. I give it out that I didn't want annything, but they'seso much scurryin' ar-round an' hidin' things whin I go in that I knowthey've got something f'r me. I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wintdown town to-night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought thesethings. This is a fine doll f'r th' money. "

"It is, " said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eyeof an art critic. "It closes its eyes, --yis, an', bedad, it cries if yepunch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year. An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I dinnaw?"

"No, " said Mr. Hennessy, "th' pap-pah an' mam-mah dolls costs too much. "

"Well, " continued Mr. Dooley, "we can't have ivrything we want in thiswurruld. If I had me way, I'd buy goold watches an' chains f'r ivrybodyin th' r-road, an' a few iv th' good Germans. I feel that gin'rous. But'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want. Ivry little boy ixpects a ponyat Chris'mas, an' ivry little girl a chain an' locket; an' ivry manthinks he's sure goin' to get th' goold-headed cane he's longed f'rsince he come over. But they all fin'lly land on rockin'-horses an'dolls, an' suspindhers that r-run pink flowers into their shirts an'tattoo thim in summer. An' they conceal their grief Chris'mas mornin'an' thry to look pleasant with murdher in their hearts. 

"Some wan has always give me a Chris'mas prisint, though no wan has annyr-right to. But no wan iver give me annything I cud wear or ate ordhrink or smoke or curl me hair with. I've had flasks iv whisky giveme, --me that have lashin's iv whisky at me elbow day an' night; an', whin I opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out an' some iv th'stuff r-run over on th' flure, an' set fire to th' buildin'. I smoke th'best five-cint see-gar that money can buy; yet, whin a good frind ivmine wants to make me a prisint f'r Christmas, he goes to a harness shopan' buys a box iv see-gars with excelsior fillin's an' burlap wrappers, an', if I smoked wan an' lived, I'd be arristed f'r arson. I got a pairiv suspinders wanst fr'm a lady, --niver mind her name, --an' I wurrukedhard that day; an' th' decorations moved back into me, an' I had to takethim out with pumice stone. I didn't lose th' taste iv th' paint f'rweeks an' weeks. 

"Wan year I wanted a watch more thin annything in th' wurruld. I talkedwatches to ivry wan that I thought had designs on me. I made it a pintto ask me frinds what time iv night it was, an' thin say, 'Dear me, Iought to get a watch if I cud affoord it. ' I used to tout people down toth' jooler's shop, an' stand be th' window with a hungry look in th'eyes iv me, as much as to say, 'If I don't get a watch, I'll perish. ' Italked watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed watches. Father Kellyrebuked me f'r bein' late f'r mass. 'How can I get there befure th'gospil, whin I don't know what time it is?' says I. 'Why don't ye luk atye'er watch?' he says. 'I haven't none, ' says I. Did he give me a watch?Faith, he did not. He sint me a box iv soap that made me smell like acoon goin' to a ball in a State Sthreet ca-ar. I got a necktie fr'm wanman; an', if I wore it to a meetin' iv th' Young Hebrews' Char'tableSociety, they'd've thrun me out. That man wanted me to be kilt. Anotherla-ad sint me a silk handkerchief that broke on me poor nose. Th'nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain that unravelled, an' made melook as if I'd been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got what I wanted, an I niver expect to. No wan does. "

"I'll get ye what ye want, " said Mr. Hennessy, "if ye'll tell me what itis, an' it don't cost too much. "

"Will ye?" said Mr. Dooley, eagerly. 

"I will, " said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means. "

"Ye're jokin', " said Mr. Dooley. 

"I'm not. I mane it. "

"Do ye, honest?"

"I do so. "

"Thin, " said Mr. Dooley, "get me th' Audjitooroom. I've wanted that toplay with f'r manny years. "

And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, thedoll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart. 

ON ANARCHISTS. 

"'Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days, " said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's th' manon a throne wishes his father'd brought him up a cooper, what with wagesbein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild withdinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets. 

"Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se otherheads that're onaisy, too; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rowsup in wan iv thim furrin counthries, an' he's thrained f'r to be a king. Hivin may've intinded him f'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most; but he hasto follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn-brokin' that way. Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king, always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an'go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankersup to a shell game. But a man that's headed f'r a throne can't r-runaway. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' backhim in. He can't ask f'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. Hepays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th'polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say: 'Me hours istoo long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check. ' He has noboss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So hetakes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th'wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know aboutladin' an orchesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an', if he does do annything, he's crazy; an' whin he dies, his foremansays: 'Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'mdesthroyin' himsilf. If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closeddown the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago. ' An' wan day, whinhe's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he, 'Ar-re ye a king?' 'That's my name, ' says his majesty. 'Betther dead, 'says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes overth' long r-road. 

"I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here--wanst. They wintagain polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's because polismen's th' nearestthings to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I knowwhy they're arnychists somewhere, an' why they ain't in other places. Itminds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They waslivin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim ol' Doherty'shouses, --not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don'tdhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Dohertythat used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his ownprivit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man asiver shoed a hor-rse; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I nivertook much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' too handythrowin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niverknowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f'rto see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor, --Terence spellin' out th'newspaper, an' his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria playin' th''Vale iv Avoca' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure. 

"But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wananother. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl: 'F'rth' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an' lave a maninjye his headache!' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kidspulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove; an', whin th' big boy Mike comehome fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud donawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' airwhin he come in; an' says he, 'Terence, what's th' matther with ye'ercatch basin?' 'I dinnaw, ' growled Terence. 'Well, ' says Father Kelly, 'ye put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f'r a plumber, ' he says. 'I'm not needed here, ' he says. 'Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right, ' hesays; 'but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher, ' he says. 'Fetch in aplumber, ' he says, 'whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him thinkhis lease on th' hereafther is defective, ' he says. "

"Ye're right, " said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly. 

"Iv coorse I'm right, " said Mr. Dooley. "What they need over there infurrin' counthries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin'again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas. "

ON THE DREYFUS CASE. 

"I see be th' pa-apers, " said Mr. Dooley, "that Col. Hinnery, th' manthat sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I supposethey'll give th' Cap a new thrile now. "

"I hope they won't, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know annything aboutit, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin', but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cudlick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow, whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'erfellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don't know annything about th'case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th'other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' Americanpeople was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfliss case. Th'Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a polisman in this counthrythat can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-russ was whin th' remains iv th' poorgirl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an openthrile, an' ye heerd th' tistimony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th'safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rushwhether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle atth' Benny Brith Club. 

"I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. Hewas certainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polisdug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing tosus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't. Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th'thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zolawas settin' down below with th' lawyers. 'Let us pro-ceed, ' says th'impartial an' fair-minded judge, 'to th' thrile iv th' haynious monstherCap Dhry-fuss, ' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in Frinch:'Jackuse, ' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man. An' they thrun him out. 'Judge, ' says th' attorney f'r th' difinse, 'an'gintlemen iv th' jury, ' he says. 'Ye're a liar, ' says th' judge. 'Cap, ye're guilty, an' ye know it, ' he says. 'Th' decision iv th' coort isthat ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f'r th'r-rest iv ye'er life, ' he says. 'Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th'tistimony, ' he says. 'Call all th' witnesses at wanst, ' he says, 'an'lave thim have it out on th' flure, ' he says. Be this time Zola has comeback; an' he jumps up, an', says he, 'Jackuse, ' he says. An' they thrunhim out. 

"'Befure we go anny farther, ' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, 'I wishto sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind, ' he says, 'towait outside, ' he says, 'an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet, 'he says. 'With these few remarks I will close, ' he says. 'Th' coort, 'says th' judge, 'is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France, ' hesays; 'an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint, ' he says, 'to step uphere f'r a minyit, ' he says, 'th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on himthat'll not do him a bit iv good, ' he says. 'Ah!' he says. 'Here's meol' frind Pat th' Clam, ' he says. 'Pat, what d'ye know about this case?'he says. 'None iv ye'er business, ' says Pat. 'Answered like a man an' asojer, ' says th' coort. 'Jackuse, ' says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' theythrun him out. 'Call Col. Hinnery, ' says th' coort. 'He ray-fuses toanswer. ' 'Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort willnow adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not indisgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide, ' he says. 'Jackuse, ' says Zola, an' started f'r th' woods, pursued be hisfellow-editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' 'Jackuse' ativry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin'now an' thin about it all. 

"That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny manknows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don't knowwhether Cap stole th' dog or not. "

"What's he charged with?" Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment. 

"I'll niver tell ye, " said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask. "

"Well, annyhow, " said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that. "

ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE. 

"That young Hogan is a smart la-ad, " said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an'a good wan, too. "

"None betther, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"None betther in th' ward, " said Mr. Dooley, which was a highappreciation. "But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhrythat ain't taught at Saint Ignateeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad. 

"He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th'wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' publicschools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th'sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk ivth' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened sinceParnell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road asth' Greek war. 'How goes th' war?' says I to young Hogan, 'How goes thewar between th' ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian?' I says. 'It goes bad, ' he says. 'Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin'manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreatthirty-two miles in a gallop. ' 'Is that so?' says I. 'Sure that seems tobe their luck, ' I says. 'Whin-iver they win, they lose; an', whin theylose, they lose, ' I says. 'What ails thim?' I says. 'Is th' rifereeagain thim?' 'I can't make it out, ' he says, while a tear sthud in hiseye. 'Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer, ' he says, 'an' So-an'-so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartanhero, ' he says, 'I cannot undherstand f'r th' life iv me why th' Greeksshud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn'tLeonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypublicans in thisprecint, hold th' pass again a savage horde?' he says. 'He did, ' says I. 'He did. ' 'An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcomean' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia?' he says. 'Thrue f'r ye, 'says I. 'There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it, ' I says. 'An' look atAlexander th' Great, ' he says. 'Aleck was a turror, an' no mistake, 'says I. 'An' Miltiades, ' he says. 'I on'y know what I hear iv him, ' saysI. 'But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow, 'says I. 'An' in later days Marco Boozaris, ' he says. 'He was th' manthat come in con-sumption's dreaded form, ' says I, 'an' he was afraid ivno man. ' 'Well, thin, ' says he, 'how ar-re we to account f'r thisdisgrace?' he says. 

"'Well, ' says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must'veheerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f'r th' quality an'quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cudfight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancientHellenic province iv May-o; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greekheroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spotwhere th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an' th' sea looks up atth' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box befure they was out ivskirts. Far an' wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies. Ye talk about Leonidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seenMike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin EddieBurke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f'r four hoursin th' dureway, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an' built a wall ivinvaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out throughth' cellar, an' escape to th' polis station. 

"'F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' SixthWa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey'sslough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an'Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th'grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. PolishJews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down onth' sacred sites, ' I says. 'Wan night three years ago, a band iv rovin'Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' overbar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. MikeRiordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, wasth' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rallyth' ingloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made astand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th'infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But itwas on'y f'r a moment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' MikeRiordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th'intervintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load ivpolismin, th' Bohemians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th'gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about, 'says I. 

"'No, my son, ' says I. 'On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an'throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'lyalways lives in th' wan house. Th' very thing happened to Greece thathas happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks havemoved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day, ' saysI, 'whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue ivth' whole Sixth Wa-ard. '"

"Ye don't mean that, " said Mr. Hennessy, gasping. 

"I do, " said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. "'Tis histhry. "

ON THE INDIAN WAR. 

"Gin'ral Sherman was wan iv th' smartest men we iver had, " said Mr. Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, 'War is hell';an' that's wan iv th' finest sayin's I know annything about. 'War ishell': 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Shermansays, 'Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun. ' An' that's a good sayin', too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race; an', if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough befure th' winter's snows, we'lltur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men'sChristyan Association. We will so. 

"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f'r to give way to th' onwardmarch iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' whitecivilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'quite an' dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I, ''Tis a shame f'r tolave this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an' him not ablef'r to vote an' without a frind on th' polis foorce. ' So says I:'Snakes, ' I says, 'get along, ' says I. 'I want ye'er house, an' ye bestmove out west iv th' thracks, an' dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf, ' I says. 'Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house, ' says Snakes. 'I builtit, an' I have th' law on me side, ' he says. 'F'r why should I take MaryAnn, an' Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all melittle Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks, ' he says, 'far fr'mth' bones iv me ancestors, ' he says, 'an beyond th' water-pipeextinsion, ' he says. 'Because, ' says I, 'I am th' walkin' dilygate ivwhite civilization, ' I says. 'I'm jus' as civilized as you, ' saysSnakes. 'I wear pants, ' he says, 'an' a plug hat, ' he says. 'Ye mightwear tin pair, ' says I, 'an' all at wanst, ' I says, 'an' ye'd still be asavage, ' says I; 'an' I'd be civilized, ' I says, 'if I hadn't on so muchas a bangle bracelet, ' I says. 'So get out, ' says I. 'So get out, ' saysI, 'f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk, ' I says. 

"Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me; an' I go down to th' polisstation, an' says I, 'Loot, ' I says, 'they'se a dhrunken Indyun notvotin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won'tlet me hang me pitchers on his wall, ' says I. 'Vile savage, ' says th'loot, 'I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization, ' he says. An' he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frindSnakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able toput up a gr-reat fight; but afther a while they rip him away, an' havehim in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he'sput undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th'thracks; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start afaro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out orSchwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong f'r competition, I'll goafther Snakes again. 

"Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep ateam hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start f'r th'settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th'plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an' be pickin' blueberriesinto rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have achanst; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow, he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization, with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, asHogan says, chasin' him out; an' th' last iv him'll be livin' in adivin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pacific Ocean. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, "I think so, an'thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th'gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, 'Here, take thistin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death, ' I'd say. Theyought to have some show. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an' inlistas an Indyun. "

ON GOLF. 

"An' what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy, lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. "Ye're a good deal iv aspoort, Jawnny: did ye iver thry it?"

"No, " said Mr. McKenna. "I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'mout of condition now. "

"It ain't like base-ball, " said Mr. Hennessy, "an' it ain't like shinny, an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' itain't"--

"Like canvas-back duck or anny other game ye know, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hennessy. "I see be th' pa-aper thatHobart What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it. Th' other day hemade a scoor iv wan hundherd an' sixty-eight, but whether 'twas miles orstitches I cudden't make out fr'm th' raypoorts. "

"'Tis little ye know, " said Mr. Dooley. "Th' game iv goluf is as old asth' hills. Me father had goluf links all over his place, an', whin I wasa kid, 'twas wan iv th' principal spoorts iv me life, afther I'd dug theturf f'r th' avenin', to go out and putt"--

"Poot, ye mean, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se no such wurrud in th'English language as putt. Belinda called me down ha-ard on it no morethin las' night. "

"There ye go!" said Mr. Dooley, angrily. "There ye go! D'ye think thishere game iv goluf is a spellin' match? 'Tis like ye, Hinnissy, to berefereein' a twinty-round glove contest be th' rule iv three. I tell yeI used to go out in th' avenin' an' putt me mashie like hell-an'-all, till I was knowed fr'm wan end iv th' county to th' other as th'champeen putter. I putted two men fr'm Roscommon in wan day, an' theyhad to be took home on a dure. 

"In America th' ga-ame is played more ginteel, an' is more likecigareet-smokin', though less unhealthy f'r th' lungs. 'Tis a good gameto play in a hammick whin ye're all tired out fr'm social duties orshovellin' coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' followin' rules. Ifye bring ye'er wife f'r to see th' game, an' she has her name in th'paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th'raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brownpop, an' have ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress, an' here ye've got to be dam particklar or ye'll be stuck f'r th'dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on sthraight, that counts ye'eropponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties oncrooked, th' first man that sees it gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher acarredge"--

"Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna. 

"A carredge. "

"What for?"

"F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye, carryin' ye'er clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it countshim two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th'carredge three. The little boys is called caddies; but Clarence Heaneythat tol' me all this--he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an'McKinley Club--said what th' little boys calls th' players'd not be fitf'r to repeat. 

"Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds"--

"Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. 

"Th' tea grounds, that's like th' homeplate in base-ball or ordherin' apiece iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. Its th' beginnin' iv ivrything. Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned beth' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asksye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer?' Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer, it's all up with ye: ye lose two points. But ye come right back at himwith an' upper cut: 'Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive?' If hedoesn't, ye have him in th' nine hole. Ye needn't play with him annymore. But, if ye do play with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's agood man an' shifty on his feet, he'll counter be askin' ye where yespend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer withwan hook on th' free lunch an' another on th' ticker tape, an' so ye goback three. That needn't discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chanceto mix up, an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, itcounts ye five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerdth' Jook iv Argyle talk in a phonograph; an' onless he comes back an'shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince iv Wales, yehave him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Princeiv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower ivthrumps. Th' best players is called scratch-men. "

"What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked. 

"It's a Scotch game, " said Mr. Dooley, with a wave of his hand. "Iwonder how it come out to-day. Here's th' pa-aper. Let me see. McKinleyat Canton. Still there. He niver cared to wandher fr'm his own fireside. Collar-button men f'r th' goold standard. Statues iv Heidelback, Ickleheimer an' Company to be erected in Washington. Another Vanderbiltweddin'. That sounds like goluf, but it ain't. Newport society livin' inMrs. Potther Pammer's cellar. Green-goods men declare f'r honest money. Anson in foorth place some more. Pianny tuners f'r McKinley. Li HungChang smells a rat. Abner McKinley supports th' goold standard. Wait aminyit. Here it is: 'Goluf in gay attire. ' Let me see. H'm. 'Foozled hisaproach, '--nasty thing. 'Topped th' ball. ' 'Three up an' two to play. 'Ah, here's the scoor. 'Among those prisint were Messrs. An' Mesdames"--

"Hol' on!" cried Mr. Hennessy, grabbing the paper out of his friend'shands. "That's thim that was there. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, decisively, "that's th' goluf scoor. "

ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER. 

"Th' Fr-rinch, " said Mr. Dooley, "ar-re a tumulchuse people. "

"Like as not, " said Mr. Hennessy, "there's some of our blood in thim. Agood manny iv our people wint over wanst. They cudden't all've been kiltat Fontenoy. "

"No, " said Mr. Dooley, "'tis another kind iv tumulchuse. Whin anIrishman rages, 'tis with wan idee in his mind. He's goin' for'ard againa single inimy, an' not stone walls or irne chains'll stop him. He maypause f'r a dhrink or to take a shy at a polisman, --f'r a polisman'salways in th' way, --but he's as thrue as th' needle in th' camel's eye, as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv his hathred. So he's been f'r fourhundherd years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an England on th'map. Whin England purrishes, th' Irish'll die iv what Hogan callsongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary wurruld ye don't love. 

"But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I say 'tis diffrent with th'Fr-rinch. They're an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They start out downth' street, loaded up with obscenthe an' cigareets, pavin' blocks an'walkin' sthicks an' shtove lids in their hands, cryin', 'A base CapDhry-fuss!' th' cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad. So far, so good. 'Abase Cap Dhry-fuss!' says I; 'an' the same to all thraitors, an' mannyiv thim, whether they ar-re or not. ' But along comes a man with a poorhat. 'Where did he get th' hat?' demands th' mob. Down with th' badtile!' they say. 'A base th' lid!' An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th'man undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' majority an' jines th' mob. Onthey go till they come to a restaurant. 'Ha, ' says they, 'th' re-sort ivth' infamious Duclose. ' 'His char-rges ar-re high, ' says wan. 'I found afish-bone in his soup, ' says another. 'He's a thraitor, ' says a third. 'A base th' soup kitchen! A base th' caafe!' says they; an' they seizeth' unfortunate Duclose, an' bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth. Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss? Off in his comfortable cage, swingin' onth' perch an' atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in th' wire. Be th'time th' mob has desthroyed what they see on th' way, they've f'rgot th'Cap intirely; an' he's safe f'r another day. 

"'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayetherin their politics or their morals. That's where they get done be th'hated British. Th' diff'rence in furrin' policies is the diff'rencebetween a second-rate safe blower an' a first-class boonco steerer. Th'Fr-rinch buy a ton iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a holethrough a steel dure, blow open th' safe, lose a leg or an ar-rm, an'get away with th' li'bilities iv th' firm. Th' English dhress up f'r aMethodist preacher, stick a piece iv lead pipe in th' tails iv theircoat in case iv emargency, an' get all th' money there is in th' line. 

"In th' fr-ront dure comes th' Englishman with a coon king on ayetherar-rm that's jus' loaned him their kingdoms on a prom'ssory note, anddiscovers th' Fr-rinchman emargin' frim th' roons iv th' safe. 'Whatar-re ye doin' here?' says th' Englishman. 'Robbin' th' naygurs, ' saysth' Fr-rinchman, bein' thruthful as well as polite. 'Wicked man, ' saysth' Englishman. 'What ar-re ye doin' here?' says the Fr-rinchman. 'Improvin' the morals iv th' inhabitants, ' says th' Englishman. 'Is itnot so, Rastus?' he says. 'It is, ' says wan iv th' kings. 'I'm a poorerbut a betther man since ye came, ' he says. 'Yes, ' says th' Englishman, 'I pro-pose f'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry, ' he says. 'Thisbenighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out agood dale iv his wife's business, ' he says, 'an' go through lifetorminted be on'y wan spouse, ' he says. 'Th' r-rest will go to wurrukf'r me, ' he says. 'All crap games bein' particular ongodly'll be undherth' con-throl iv th' gover'mint, which, ' he says, 'is me. Policyshops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've appinted Rastus hereWriter-in-Waitin' to her Majesty, ' he says. 

"'Th' r-rum they dhrink in these par-rts, ' he says, 'is fearful, ' hesays. 'What shall we do to stop th' ac-cursed thraffic? Sell thim gin, 'says I. ''Tis shameful they shud go out with nawthin' to hide theirnakedness, ' he says. 'I'll fetch thim clothes; but, ' he says, cas th'weather's too war-rum f'r clothes, I'll not sell thim annything that'lllast long, ' he says. 'If it wasn't f'r relligion, ' he says, 'I don'tknow what th' 'ell th' wurruld wud come to, ' he says. 'Who's relligion?'says th' Fr-rinchman. 'My relligion, ' says th' Englishman. 'These pore, benighted savidges, ' he says, ''ll not be left to yer odjious morals an'yer hootchy-kootchy school iv thought, ' he says, 'but, ' he says, 'undherth' binif'cint r-rule iv a wise an' thrue gover'mint, ' he says, ''ll bethurly prepared f'r hivin, ' he says, 'whin their time comes to go, ' hesays, 'which I thrust will not be long, ' he says. 'So I'll thank ye tobe off, ' he says, 'or I'll take th' thick end iv the slung-shot to ye, 'he says. 

"Th' Fr-rinchman is a br-rave man, an' he'd stay an' have it out on th'flure; but some wan calls, 'A base th' Chinnyman!' an' off he goes onanother thrack. An', whin he gets to th' Chinnymen, he finds th'English've abased thim already. An' so he dances fr'm wan par-rt th'wurruld to another like a riochous an' happy flea, an' divvle th' bit ivprogress he makes, on'y thrubble f'r others an' a merry life f'rhimsilf. "

"If England wint to war with France, " said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'dbe f'r France. "

"So ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' I'm not sayin'that I wudden't f'aget that I'm an Anglo-Saxon long enough to take wancrack at th' Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf. "