Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR, ""MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC. 

NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

CONTENTS

 PAGEDIVORCE 1

GLORY 14

WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25

THE BACHELOR TAX 40

THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50

PANICS 67

OCEAN TRAVEL 78

WORK 89

DRUGS 100

A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106

THE ARMY CANTEEN 110

THINGS SPIRITUAL 123

BOOKS 134

THE TARIFF 144

THE BIG FINE 158

EXPERT TESTIMONY 168

THE CALL OF THE WILD 180

THE JAPANESE SCARE 193

THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204

TURKISH POLITICS 214

VACATIONS 227

Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

DIVORCE

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a DivoorceCongress. "

"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Ye wudden't know, " said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxurysupplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin amarrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go onlivin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way somemornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at eachother over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he hasth' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Renoin ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wudfind throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No, sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize, an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pallbearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timpraryhusband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an'dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th'neighbors are agin it. 

"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoomarredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' anonhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' newan' off with that. 'Till death us do part, ' says th' preacher. 'Or th'jury, ' whispers th' blushin' bride. 

"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about wasassembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's atur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'yto be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border. There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossiblef'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There'sno regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'rdivoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman canbe freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wearsCongress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name backbecause his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup. 

"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe hisboots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye canbe divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint. Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' partiesdhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' otherdoes, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sickheadaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he giveher, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society ivth' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get adivoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he hasless. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibilityiv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' sametime. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy. 

"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A man thatwants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour ivour gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may wantto do it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart. 

"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws oughtto be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shudbe th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply begoin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th'lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd gofarther. Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I'd let annyman escape be jumpin' th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I wasr-runnin' this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th' grip, writea note to his wife that afther thinkin' it over f'r forty years he hadmade up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge withth' mother iv so manny iv his childher, an' go out to return no more. 

"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what Ir-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappilymated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver intheir thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-rebeyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifullyrelease thim. 

"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' aboutth' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filledwith tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was afireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th'daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyalgulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein'promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full ivMonongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because ivth' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to bedenied. Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid. 

"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twintyyears an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to besupported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th'desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked hisway to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' OilCan, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th'diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large moneyan' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'dwished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a callf'r six o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th'roundhouse on time. 

"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf asthough he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw himon a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He wasreceived with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew thecombynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kingsiv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest buttasteful dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagneinto which th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iverread about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'yhotels, night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New Yorkye read about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cudfall on his bald but youthful head. 

"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful tosay that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life had not kept pacewith him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' takenwhat Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their booklarnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th'childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv businessthin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th'throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into hisoffice. 

"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to readabout, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to tell yethat th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he use towhistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. It's no aisything to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate th' hair withanother. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper classes in New Yorkshe was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their tastes was decidedlydissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he carrid th' wash pitcherdown to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, while she dandled th' baby an'fried th' round steak at th' same time. That day was past. She hadn'tgot to th' pint where she cud dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv hernose. Th' passin' years had impaired all possible foundations f'r a newcrop iv hair. Sometimes conversation lagged. 

"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successfulexthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. Gough. Shegot her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was there f'r this joyntintelleck an' this household tyrant to talk about? No wondher he pined. Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin bein' compelled to set down ivrymonth or two an' chat about a new tooth that Hiven had just sint to afam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was that all. She give him no rest. Time an'time again she asked him was he comin' home that night. She tortured hisproud spirit be recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th'window iv th' room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so faras to dhraw on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives--theirtears. One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seenher. Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim thisgr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise whinhe didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin th' Gr-reatFi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' Judge to sthrikeoff th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a divoorce. 

"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me, " said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether does th'parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's marrid he'smarrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand in th' grab-bagan' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money back. 

"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye talkin'about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two people in th'wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was there iver afrindship that was annything more thin a kind iv suspension bridgebetween quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv life, ' says he, 'we leapfr'm scrap to scrap, ' he says. 'I'm wan iv th' best-timpered men in th'wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not, ' says I. ) I'm wan iv th' kindest ivmortals, ' he says, 'but put me in th' same house with Saint Jerome, ' hesays, 'an' there'd be at laste wan day in th' month whin I'd answer hislast wurrd be slammin' th' dure behind me, ' he says. 'Man is nachrally afightin' an quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don'talways turn away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse, ' he says. 'Th'throuble about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wanthat made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, I'dniver let th' sun go down on a quarrel, ' he says. 'But if ye had a badmouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' partnership because ye'ara cantankerous old villain that no wan cud get on with, ' he says. 'Ifpeople knew they cudden't get away fr'm each other they'd settle down tolife, just as I detarmined to like coal smoke whin I found th'collection wasn't big enough to put a new chimbley in th' parish house. I've acchally got to like it, ' he says. 'There ain't anny condition ivhuman life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've gotto endure it, ' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich, ' he says, 'is this, that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved overbreakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an'he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoonthey're in their lawyers' office, ' he says. 'But whin a poor gintlemanan' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her anger into rubbin'th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor gintleman aises his bemurdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be th' time night comesar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to go home annyhow, an'it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm misjudged, an' he puts apound iv candy into his coat pocket an' goes home an' finds herstandin' at th' dure with a white apron on an' some new ruching ar-roundher neck, ' he says. 

"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions. "

"I see on'y wan, " said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly think?"

"I think, " said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced I'd letthim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' childher. They'dlarn thim to behave. "

GLORY

"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more scandaltalked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld. "

"Hogan had betther keep quiet, " said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goescirculatin' anny stories about me I'll--"

"Ye needn't worry, " said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to talk aboutannywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' subjick iv ourscand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a repytation. No, sir, our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran allth' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant. 

"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knowsabout me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollytickswhin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let itgo a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' someyears afther me death. 

"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twasth' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goesDooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age, ' an' have thim name babies, sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an'whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryodin th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenthiv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in MartinDooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road. '

"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tislittle attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan callsbi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintionedth' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th'more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' downstairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd printabout me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink. 

"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes'sbook. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down inJoliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age. He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curledhis hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday nightcar. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away. 

"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'rthim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther thanshe shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeareis well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he wasbetther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. Hiswife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niverleave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman thatmarries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' moreimmortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It don't make anny difference if allshe knew about her marital hero was that he was a consistent feeder, asleepy husband, an' indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf, an' that she had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men hadsomething th' matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton, who was th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childlesshersilf, was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawlar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan saysshe had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all hisfrinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was a case. Iwish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A gr-reat moralrellijous counthry like this desarves a betther parent. 

"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote goodsongs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan thinks iv himas havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal iv his parish. Iremimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked th' British at NooOrleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but Hogan remimbers him as aman that cudden't spell an' had a wife who smoked a corncob pipe. Iremimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' slaves, but Hogan remimbers howhe used to cut loose yarns that made th' bartinder shake th' stoveharder thin it needed. I remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shilohwhin he was young, but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound NewYork whin he was old. 

"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out to writea bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war departmint orth' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' bureau dhrawers, old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, an' th' recollectionsiv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther thin annything else. Hedon't care much f'r th' kind beginning: 'Dear wife, I'm settin' infront iv th' camp fire wearin' th' flannel chest protector ye made me, an' dhreamin' iv ye, ' but if he can find wan beginnin': 'Little BrightEyes: Th' old woman has gone to th' counthry, ' he's th' happiestbi-ographer ye cud see in a month's thravel. 

"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas written by afrind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At thistime, ' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th'whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, wherehe lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' tofind a nickel in a powder puff. Th' brutal conductor towered over her, an' it was more thin th' Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with anoath, he pulled th' rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car. 

"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no doubt heoften thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, although heniver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' dinin'-room atth' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but th' fair vision ivth' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked him up, an' there began afrindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness to both iv thim. He seldommintioned her, but wan night he was heard to mutter: 'Her face is likewan iv Rembrand's saints. ' A few historyans contind that what he saidwas: 'Her face looks like a remnant sale, ' but I cannot believe this. 

"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil th'enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been able tofind anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv wan iv hisfaithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. (Love an' Lettersiv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; Stolen, Collected an'Edited be James Snooper. ) * * * Next year was mim'rable f'r his gloryousvicthry at Punkheim, all th' more wondherful because at th' time ourhero was sufferin' fr'm deleeryyum thremens. 

"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as gr-reat aliar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that with th' cheers ivhis sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still write home to his wife:'Ol' girl--I can't find annything fit to dhrink down here. Can't ye sindme some cider fr'm th' farm. ' * * * In 1865 he was accused ivembezzlemint, but th' charges niver reached his ears or th' public'sontil eight years afther his death. * * * In 67' his foster brother, that he had neglected in Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an'broke his leg. * * * In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fiftyyears. They were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly ivfourteen childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'rsome reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, oneof th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further details ivth' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' volume. ' Itseems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called bi-ography is a kindiv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan side, an' bi-ography comesalong an' makes it rowl over an' lie on th' other side. Th' historyansays, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come down among us. I don't believeayether iv thim. 

"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Werethey all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think sogloryous?' says I. 'They were men, ' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn'tbelieve all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it, ' says he. 'It'sa thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' herosthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in hishand an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-blackimitatin' his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out ivhis house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with awarrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that itshudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men ivth' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happento possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower overus. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If wecan't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feelaisier about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' itstimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th'pa-apers. '

"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' peopleye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth, all go thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn'tit a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulliganth' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he'sno flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r oldan' young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'raleffect that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that. "

"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"I'd like to be famous, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to buyoff all threatenin' bi-ographers. "

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in theirmight an' demanded a vote. "

"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy. 

"A vote, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Th' shameless viragoes, " said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?"

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thimgathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or naytionaldormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore proclaimed that adebate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English gintlemen to marrytheir deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In th' great hall ivRufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain slept undhertheir hats while an impassioned orator delivered a hem-stitched speechon th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an' feet iv th'ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen ivEurope that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous femalesattimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rudejeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th'idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim. 'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage, ' saysth' commander iv th' army iv freedom. 

"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battlefollowed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute, ''Monster, ' 'Cheap, ' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn. Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done afit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin'f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' littlefinger iv th' right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' lawcharged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed. Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' led thim down th' stairs;others were carried out fainting by th' tyrants. In a few minyits allwas over, an' nawthin' but three hundhred hairpins remained to mark th'scene iv slaughter. Thus, Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedomfought an' lost. "

"It sarves thim right, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at hometindin' th' babies. "

"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry man. P'rapsthey havn't got any babies. A baby is a good substichoot f'r a ballot, an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom has time f'r anny otherluxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, says I. What have they doneto injye this impeeryal suffrage that we fought an' bled f'r? Whin meforefathers were followin' George Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th'hardships that men endure campin' out in vacation time, what were th'women doin'? They were back in Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin'socks, followin' th' plow, plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses, an' pursooin' th' other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect. Afther th' war our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'rtheir devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrimfathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on theirproperty. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we won. 

"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job thatanny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man'swith a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogancalls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardestwurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th'Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan ivth' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. Anotherjudge has built a roarin' fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hotson it. Th' room is lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowdedwith pathrites who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or threepolismen that maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don'tknow annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polismanin his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call thim, th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' bestseegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy. 

"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls glows an'puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' sanchoo-ary iv Libertycomes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment made iv carbolic acid, pours itinto a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' domestic attindants iv th' guests ivth' house walks through fr'm makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chiefjudge, who knows me well, because he shaves me three times a week, givesme a contimchous stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lousquestions about me age. 

"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman movin'nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. They're alloccypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled voices f'r somewanto light th' candle so they'll be sure they ain't votin' th' prohybitionticket. Th' calico sheets over th' front iv th' booths wave an' ar-repushed out like th' curtains iv a Pullman car whin a fat man isdhressin' inside while th' thrain is goin' r-round a curve. In time afreeman bursts through, with perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurlshis suffrage at th' judge an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inchiv lead pencil be rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th'top iv th' dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life. 

"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' fair. It'smen's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she cud boundKamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't qualified f'r it. It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites like Mulkowsky th'Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet that he ain't votin' f'rth' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still over there pretindin' to be ahorse instead iv a free American givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge. 

"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' April aman goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him down th'sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He don't mindinhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if Molly Donahuewint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing she'd do wud be to geta broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' windows, disinfect th' booths, take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' hang up a pitcher iv Niagary bemoonlight, chase out th' watchers an' polis, remove th' seegars, maketh' judges get a shave, an' p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no jobf'r her, an' I told her so. 

"'We demand a vote, ' says she. 'All right, ' says I, 'take mine. It'sold, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little th' worsef'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in this counthryf'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' use it as yeplease, ' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry sleep iliction daymornin', ' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired iv it annyhow, ' says I. 'But, ' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young an' beautiful as ye want todo annything so foolish as to vote?' says I. 'Ain't we intilligentenough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too intilligent, ' says I. 'But intilligencedon't give ye a vote. '

"'What does, thin, ' says she. 'Well, ' says I, 'enough iv ye at wan timewantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er Woman's RightsClub?' 'Twinty, ' says she. 'Make it three hundher, ' says I, 'an' ye'llbe on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, does she? No, nor ye'ersister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor ye'er aunt? All that ilictionday means to thim is th' old man goin' off in th' mornin' with a lightstep an' fire in his eye, an' comin' home too late at night with a dentin his hat, news-boys hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-fourvotes had been cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8o'clock, an' Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'rth' bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote, they'll vote. Ye bet they will. '

"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' on'y th'king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an Indyan. Th' kingclapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' polls, marked a crossat th' head iv th' column where his name was, an' wint out to cheer th'returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' says they: Votin' seems ahealthy exercise an' we'd like to thry it. Give us th' franchise orwe'll do things to ye. An' they got it. Thin it wint down through th'earls an' th' markises an' th' rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'llyall that was left iv it was flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy, because they made a lot iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th'barns. '

"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r it. Nowan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same token, therear-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep ye fr'm gettin'. Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right coorse, on'y there ain'tenough iv thim. If there were forty thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hatpins an' prepared to plunge th' same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies ivfemale suffrage, an' if, instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th'constablry, they charged an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th'House iv Commons, an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th'hat over th' eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure somemimber wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrageclub was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't belong befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate creams f'rye'er vote. '

"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this in th'pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women invaded th'capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They chased th' polisacrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was agin th' bill, an'tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv th' opposition. At 10o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud veto th' bill, an'instantly a huge crowd iv excited females gathered in front of the WhiteHouse, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' 'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelledwhin th' Prisident's wife appeared on th' balcony an' made a briefspeech. She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' shefelt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. Ifnicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. (Cheers. ) Th' Prisident was a littleonruly, but he was frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th'aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv histantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. Atprisint th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughtersettin' on his head. 

"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded downPinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were jammed. Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th' head an'made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately afther th'prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts offered th'suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher, ' began th'Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove adarning needle through his coat tails. 'But, ' continued th' Speaker, reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it goannyhow. ' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest, ' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, 'I protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th'gall'ries. Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, handmirrors, fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. In the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud beseen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to comehome to-night, polthroon. '

"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his facelivid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about tosay I second th' motion, deary. ' Th' bill was carried without adissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed beJeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th'suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerkto cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iva vast multichood th' Prisident was led out be his wife. He wassupported, or rather pushed, be two iv his burly daughters. He seemedmuch confused, an' his wife had to point out th' place where he was tosign. With tremblin' fingers he affixed his signature an' was led back. 

"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' withgood-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores, which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to getthrough. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrugstores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an'cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thimkeepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later. ' 'Whin that comes about, me child, ' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, f'r ye'll have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th'ward. But don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan givethim to ye. A right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th'matther with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned insideout, ' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though totell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan did. Some timesome fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or betther still, th'other fellows', f'r th' right to vote. '"

"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Faith, " said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care. What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a littlesoap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. Itwudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to officeonless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chinwanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votesiv me counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wanway to keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote. "

THE BACHELOR TAX

"This here pa-aper says, " said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to puta tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax onbachelors? There's one on dogs. "

"That's r-right, " said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it fivedollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us. They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thintwice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see methrottin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If metax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' th' bachelorcatcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll be kept therethree days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be dhrowned onless th'pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver see it, me boy. No, Sir. Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well ashandsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. Ifworst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyitthat light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females alltheir lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollartax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with aman iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r fortyyears an' remains unmarrid. 

"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' Constitution an'about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' highest jooty ivcitizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give a vote to th' shad?Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint bepayin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools yesind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marridmen start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whinwar is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be ifthey niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid againan' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' theirwidow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' theirrilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live onafther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in hisstomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension come fr'm th'Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over here an' stick asthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close down me shop an' go outsomewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose me leg defindin' th' hearthsiv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes bybut th' oil stove in me bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd bewantin' to tax like a pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain!

"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' bachelors yetax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot ivfellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. 'Tis with us aswith th' ladies. A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befurea Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an' what Hogan callsth' doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an' makesmanny plays. But th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an'take her pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes upwith a scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a mandown fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young womanhave I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whinher frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautifulwoman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r somewan to take her buggy ridin'. 

"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan hadthrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enoughto vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th'graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain buthas a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an' didn't alwayskeep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld cud see he'd be lynchedbe th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. But 'tis diff'rent with uscomely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, we can afford to be haughty an'peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with agentle but supeeryor eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice, pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry well. ' By an' by whin th'roses fade fr'm our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th'inivitable, run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th'multichood iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlightpitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all. 

"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape. Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th'tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors. What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th'front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th'burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wintin debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoeson his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun. 

"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tieundher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his gaiters in away that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver wore a pair ivdarned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in me hosiery I throwthim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that men are onhappy becausethey have no wan to darn their socks an' put buttons on their shirts. Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re notdarned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whinth' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window. His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th'plumage iv a bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets herbuy his cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes tohim which he smokes. 

"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral side iv it. What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. We're th' mostonselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhoodar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'ranny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan inpartiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th'overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I mustbear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say:'Oh, he's a gay dog. Sarves him right. ' An' if he goes on complainin'he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes toye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin', an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick th' widowO'Brien on me. 

"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid homewithout th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair orin th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reatluxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that itcan't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on th' flure an' chandyleershang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherrywine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weissbeer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhrawat an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman'shand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away, th' beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business brokeinto th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ilepaintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off aframe that cost me two dollars iv good money. ' If they knew that th'on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a thrunk an'that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me clothes, an'that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's now a life-sizeplaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at th' end iv a chain. 

"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran that'sescaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult position withhonor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so dangerous as whin she'ssorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' rises to her lips an' th'nurse light comes into her eyes, I know 'tis time f'r me to take me hatan' go. An' if th' hat's not handy I go without it. 

"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear ladies. ButI say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on ye'er bestfrinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us bachelors havesaved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we th' hope iv th'future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' onmarrid ladies ar-reto marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they must look forward to. We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're bachelors because we can't make achoice. Ye all look so lovely to us that we hate to bring th' tears intoth' eyes iv others iv ye be marryin' some iv ye. Considher ouronforchnit position an' be kind. Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'rslaves. Don't thry to coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. Ifye tax us there's hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't flinghis five dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th'expense. '"

THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES

"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' hewas that mad. "

"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip Lung'slaundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' what Hogancalls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as he cud remimberand thried to dhrag him around th' place be his shinin' braid. Butinstead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip Lung swung a flat-ironon him an' thin ironed out his spine as he galloped up th' stairs. Hecome to me f'r advice an' I advised him to see th' American consul. Who's th' American consul in Chicago now? I don't know. But Hogan, whowas here at th' time, grabs him be th' hand an' says he: 'Icongratulate ye, me boy, ' he says. 'Ye have a chance to be wan iv th'first martyrs iv th' white race in th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin'between thim an' th' smoked or tinted races iv th' wurruld, ' he says. 'Ye'll be another Jawn Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an'let th' Chink kill ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathesand ate hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave, ' he says. 

"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was aretail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, thoughhe got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' sthreet an' hethought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. So he wint away. 

"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us blondessince th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatestprophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble. No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasantdays. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms, hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan thatpredicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an'see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smilingnot to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours, ' or somebody'slaid waste with fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'monhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyestman in th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' tohappen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy to-daybecause it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin' to be. Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic next Saturdah. 'Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic. '

"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. Hecudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv wanthrough three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' mostblindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He'spredicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand thathaven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United States navy wudbe so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young fellow to row his girlin Union Park. He can see a war cloud where I can't see annything butsomebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reatforeign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r th' job f'r he's best late at night. 

"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' wurruld torejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' us black andblue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in thim eggs or I'llthrow ye in th' fire. 'Yassir, ' says Sam. 'Comin', ' he says. 'Twas: 'WowChow, while ye'er idly stewin' me cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaidbills. ' I wud feel repaid be a kick, ' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'MaharajahSewar, swing th' fan swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip. ''Higgins Sahib, ' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawdan' Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. Myblood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. 'Twas thineold man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle up f'r eightydays. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's flesh cooked f'rbreakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' ye?'

"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans werestarved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has passed aroundan' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' up. He says theyhave aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates ours be miles. They haveno wires or poles or wathered stock but th' population is so thick thatwhin they want to sind wurrud along th' line all they have to do is f'rwan man to nudge another an' something happens in Northern Chiny isknown in Southern Indya befure sunset. And so it passed through th'undherwurruld that th' color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an'Hogan says that almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin'through a window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in abasement instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'llbe settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' watchin'ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' wondhrn' whinth' lynchin' party'll arrive. 

"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so much inthim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan thin I haveiv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have oftenleaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes Iwondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as thatshud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shudstand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th'lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' beginshootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee ivJapan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th'subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good tothim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv theirrelligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin'people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be annymeans where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an'excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters thatcud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherdyards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what waswanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th'dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cudfail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman'sgrandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile whoraypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, afact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announcesthat he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith, Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that heiver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv acounthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan. 

"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done somuch f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinesewon't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv theircozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away theirpiannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th'levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feelonaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up. Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin welick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs willset fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon againstth' white man. 

"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y funny whinit's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped laughin' atJap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' I'm gettin' overthat feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' so scared as whinsomething he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns on him. If a fellow manhits him he hits him back. But if a dog bites him he yells 'mad dog' an'him an' th' neighbors pound th' dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygursdown South iver got together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no morecoon songs f'r awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it outiv us an' we ar-re about th' same as th' rest. "

"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at ustogether?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp us. "

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to speakmore acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been infeeryor toolong to change. It's got to be a habit with thim. "

PANICS

"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuseprooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance, cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I seebe th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; yehave had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that ourfinancial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Yeundherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes ivye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in thepa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'yway ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be bemeans iv a brace an' bit. 

"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B. Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar, th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing outcomity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmlywith their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out ivtheir institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They havebehaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstancescompels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency Iam obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanksiv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boysthat niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They havedisturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance hasturned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life througha closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv ahammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther apearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, hasthroubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' othermornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an'though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic Ifelt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovelon ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th'tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't bedowncast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel. '

"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causespanics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' topiv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times. Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousandautymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot. "

"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on, " said Mr. Hennessy. "What does it all mean?"

"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tiswhat is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake ivargymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake ivargymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be atanny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin'fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'rmakin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gottengains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' moneyover to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th'fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss. Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv thingsth' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to adistiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an'havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I oweth' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th'shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th'bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' thereye are. That's credit. 

"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th'banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though anearthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' ajail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid asthough th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him withhis goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. Heniver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv hisleft eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th'little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r mean' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on acorner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'ritejournal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is acoward, ' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys publicconfidence, ' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv hislife, ' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in, 'says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics, ' says he. 'It's th'likes iv both iv ye, ' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk, ' says I. 'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution, ' says he. 'It's assthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up, 'says he. An' he wint. 

"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an'circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' atime iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A littlewhile ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow thathad his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectatorsat a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'. 'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin'joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational. ' 'An' who's thatshakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrustcomp'ny. ' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal toth' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, butit might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here, Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther. It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our headsbut a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash oron-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th'situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism, th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv greatdanger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs. Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) JawnD. Rockyfellar. '

"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin'money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulliganwill settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where moneybelongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up. 'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wangood thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough tohurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well asMorgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do Iblame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blamesMulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will beover. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, bebrave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy inth' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him toshovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right. 

"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Shaken it, " said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as itjumped off th' roof. "

OCEAN TRAVEL

"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th'Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool onSaturday were in New York Friday afthernoon. "

"But that's more thin four days. "

"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out th'way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt limitedhas broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York (Harrisburg) toChicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours. ' But with a steamboat 'tisdifferent. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' what's left is th'v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean greyhound or levithin iv th'seas has broken all records iv transatlantic passages except thim madebe th' Germans. She has thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th'coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hooklightship) in four or five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves. ' So ifye've anny frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim didthey swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If theydidn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it takesto cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' house toboordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on th' time ye goto bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over on a five-day boathas had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th'other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into accountth' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which isthrough th' New York custom house. 

"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th'Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv himcrossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings. Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an'was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers ivmodhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game ivpinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boycomes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with gladtidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on hisfurniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' otherhand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Justas ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island orfloatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th'pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthybachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are mostmarked. They make a handsome couple. '

"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat. In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpooland landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-readiv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyardtournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightlyan' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliantilluminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are muchfrequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificiallake. Th' autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction. Th' openingday iv th' steeplechase races was a success. Th' ilivator in th' leftannex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th'brokerage house iv Conem an' Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiverto-day. Th' failure was due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend annymore money on hat pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church isundher repair. Th' _Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color pressesan' will begin printin' a colored supplement Sunday next. ' An' so itgoes. It ain't a boat at all. It's a city. 

"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it says it'sa boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time, ' says I, 'in this floatin' palace, atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at th' beautifully jooledladies, ' says I. 'Ah, ' says I, 'th' wondhers iv science that cud puttogether a conthrivance th' like iv that, ' says I. 'It's a boat, ' sayshe. 'That's th' best I can say about it, ' says he. 'Did ye not glidenoiselessly through th' wather?' says I? 'I did not, ' says he. 'Divvleth' glide. We bumped along pretty fast an' th' injines made noises likeinjines an' th' ship creaked like anny ship. ' 'An' wasn't th' foodfine?' 'It depinded on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days, an' too much iv it on other days. ' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?''No wan knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' ladythat searched thim at th' custom house. 

"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley, ' says he. 'A boat's a boat. That'sall it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on land. Amillyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a longshoremanon earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way down to th'steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I says to mesilf:I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental luxury. Whin I gotaboord th' decks were crowded with happy people worryin' about theirbaggage an' wondherin' already whether th' inspector in New York wud getonto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. I give th' old an' enfeebledEnglish gintleman that carried me satchel a piece iv silver. He touchedhis cap to me an' says Cue. Cue is th' English f'r I thank yekindly in Irish. He carrid me bag downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin'down an' down till we touched bottom, thin we rambled through long lanesneatly decorated with steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel. That was me boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsomeberths in it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypiedbe a gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'mLondon an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief an'wint up on th' roof iv th' ship. 

"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv ladies werestretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, pretindin' to readan' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. Three or four hundherdmen had begun to walk around th' ship with their hands folded behindthim. A poker game between four rale poker players an' a man that didn'tknow th' game but had sharp finger-nails was already started in th'smokin'-room. About that time I begun to have a quare sinsation. Ihaven't been able to find out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary. I wasn't sea-sick, mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin'in me forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kindiv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' thriedto look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I didn't haveanny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't like th' smelliv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to make th' place in mehead worse. Sivral times I wint to th' dinin'-room intindin' to jine th'jovyal comp'ny there but quit at th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don'tknow how to account f'r it. Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage, but sivral hundherd who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beeftea on deck spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it toth' ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker asto a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it wasth' most important ivint iv th' passage. 

"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find annybody thatwud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing to have to forcemoney on an Englishman in a uniform like an admiral's an' talkin' withan accent that manny iv th' finest people on th' deck were thryin' toimitate, but I schooled mesilf to it. An' sthrange to say they niverrefused. They were even betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whinth' fellow that pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r metouched me on th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eyethat made me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call fivebobs over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. Hetouched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done wanthing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected with th'legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud hand a piece ivchange to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' Conyard line haspassed a dividend. They ought to make a merger with th' head stoort, 'says he. 

"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a hotel. But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it 'tis wondherfulthat anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. Th' Atlantic Ocean isa fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv wather just th' same. Itwasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er foot through itannywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. Th' on'y time a human being canfloat in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an'th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th'same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, pushes it out on th' billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as yeplaze. If he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dureoff its hinges an' go on that. 

"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side iv th'ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at it. ' Ye talkabout th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' majesty iv this herelittle sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv self-reliance that treatsit like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to me that th' oceandon't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin' at th' race iv men. They don'tpay anny heed to it's hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise itas though it was a good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher ourmoon. ' Whin it rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it bebein' sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quitusin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it niverbates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little man'ssthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision onpoints. "

"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?"

"Not, " said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats onthrolleys. "

WORK

"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley. 

"Not yet, " said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' millsto-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now. "

"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"Ye bet I will, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand firm beunion principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there these days. Iwudden't mind havin' a few weeks off. "

"Ye'll do right to quit, " said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy withsthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have withpeople goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation. If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that havemade our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld--ifI had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd Ihaven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'dbegin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'dstay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th'baseball park. Ye bet I wud. 

"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time. Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th'summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, fannin' th'cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, whin th' mainguy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r exceedin' th' speed limit, whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at nights an' th' Sox have started abatting sthreak, th' son iv Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling callshim, begins to think iv th' rights iv labor. 

"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about hisrights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss an'saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, but soare picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same not gettin'up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r th' first time intheir good clothes an' th' same thumpin' sthrangers over th' head with abrick. Afther awhile th' main guy comes home fr'm th' seaside, raiseswages twinty per cent, fires th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygateas a specyal partner. 

"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our industhreelsystem blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' foundhry thin in th'home. There is no hearth as ample in anny man's home as th' hearth th'Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It is pleasant to see th' citizenafther th' rigors iv a night at home hurryin' to th' mills to toast hisnumbed limbs in th' warm glow iv th' Bessemer furnace. About this timeth' main guy takes a look at the thermometer an' chases th' specyalpartner out iv th' office with th' annual report iv th' CivicFeatheration. He thin summons his hardy assocyates about him an' sayshe: 'Boys, I will no longer stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions. Conditions has changed since last summer. It's grown much colder. I donot care f'r the money at stake, but there is a great principleinvolved. I cannot consint to have me business run be outsiders at acost iv near thirty thousand dollars a year, ' says he. An' there's alockout. 

"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get mesympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me sympathy f'rth' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm his toil an' thathas to sweat through August with no chanst iv gettin' a day in th' openonless th' milishy are ordhered out an' thin whin he goes back to wurrukth' chances are somebody's got his job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' manreturns with his pockets full iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be themain guy. If I was rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a soniv Marthy I'd be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin'season. They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry notto meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayersalways time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to bedone. 

"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' man whinhe's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft op'rators that havelaid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as though they weresufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft op'rator come homelast week with a smile on his face. 'I have good news f'r ye, mother, 'says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope sthrugglin' with fear inher face. 'Ye've guessed it, ' says he. 'We weren't exactly ordhered out. Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a series iv sharp whistles fr'm thewalkin' dillygate, but, whin that didn't come an' we were tired ivwaitin' th' report iv th' baseball game come over th' wires an' wemistook that f'r a signal. Ye must get the childher ready f'r a day inth' counthry. We can't tell how soon this sthruggle again th' greed ivcapital will be declared off an' we must make th' most iv it while itlasts, ' says he. 

"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key that has afine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be up in time toflag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number thirty-two goesthrough at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into each other, turnswitches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps an' hand out time tablesan' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations he dhraws down all th' way fr'mfifteen to twinty dollars a week. An' he wants to sthrike. An' th'pa-apers say if he does he'll tie up our impeeryal railroad systems. Think iv that. I never had much iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver donef'r me was to misspell me name. He's a little thin man that cudden'tlift an eighth iv beer with both hands, but he's that important if heleaps his job we'll all have to walk. 

"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv th' LiquorDealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher me to lay downme lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But nawthin' iv th'kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud care a sthraw. Th'whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me frind Ike Simpson, thetillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but me or Pierpont Morgan mightquit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. Supposin' Rockyfellar an' PierpontMorgan an' Jim Hill shud form a union, an' shud demand a raise iv amillyon dollars a year, reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hourivry week, th' closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wanallowed to make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrikecomity waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light aseegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our flannelshirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher. 

"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not submit. F'ryears we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are plenty iv men totake ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at first but they'llsoon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can bang th' dure aftherye. ' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have thryin' to persuade ye bepeaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think iv him on th' dead linethryin' to coax ye not to go in but to stand by him as he would sit onye if you were in th' same position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'ercoat in his hands as ye plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort tovilence. Th' stock exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud becalled out an' afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with theirhats in their hands an' find their old places took be other men. 

"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis asthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a mangets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shudgo on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an'divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud goto Paris--excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face--th'industhrees iv the counthry pines away. 

"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts to. Wecud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but we'd have adivvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on th' fellow thatdhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him ye'd niver be able topursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon iv pushin' th' barrow. WhinAndhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'llhave to come back. P'raps that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't getmore iv thim little pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv aSaturdah night. If he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to bekept in thrainin'. 

"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a littlemoney an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him happy, too. I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private yachts an'autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. I meansomething entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I see in th'pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness was hard wurruk. 'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a hall an' preach it inNewport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy Road where wurruk abounds. Idon't want to be run in f'r incitin' a riot. 

"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' time to. He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre lot. There'snawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at night with hisnose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame home an' dhreams ivcinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he walks in his sleep towake th' cow that left th' call f'r four o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'rfeedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. Th' sun arises as usual in th'east an' bein' a keen student iv nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to putin his hat. Breakfast follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin'at nine-three. Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on abicycle seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, withnawthin' but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with. An' so he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get inear-shot iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'msufferin' his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tissthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday. 

"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good f'r annyman. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' stomach's sakean' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye mind. But a gr-reatdeal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, will hurt anny man thatindulges in it. So, though I don't sympathize with sthrikers, Icongratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, while the iron is hot an' ye'er mostneeded to pound it into a horseshoe. An' especially wud I adviseivrybody to sthrike whin th' weather is hot. "

DRUGS

"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked dejected. 

"I'm a sick man, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Since th' picnic?"

"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th'picnic, " said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give methis an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye know, though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther already. "

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a doctor. A manthat's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers to enjye life. Th'likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, peaceful day in th'counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a football in th' sun an' ivryfifteen minyits or so washin' down a couple of dill-pickles with abottle of white pop. Th' next day ye get what's comin' to ye in th'right place an' bein' a sthrong, hearty man that cudden't be kilt beannything less thin a safe fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building yeknow ye ar-re goin' to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plastherbut ye scorn th' suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be againthis fatal epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustardplasther wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is, goes back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' tohave to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther, Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or not. If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath it is not. 

"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether ye'll sendf'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to save up FatherKelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' rescued ye fr'm th'jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye had a sick headache th'Dock takes his time about comin', but just as ye are beginnin' to throwye'er boots at th' clock an' show other signs iv what he calls rigemmortar, he rides up in his fine horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, onefoot at a time, hitches his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thinhe chats f'r two hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tellshim a good story an' they laugh harshly. 

"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at th'dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' badcondition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th'croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie, ' 'Canned Salmon, ''Cast-iron digestion. ' Still he doesn't come up. He tells a few storiesto th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands an' says: 'That's afine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no doubt he'll grow up to be apolisman. ' He examines th' phottygraft album an' asks if that isn'tso-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin'to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman monsther, to lave me perish here while he chatswith a callous woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'rtwinty years. '

"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er moneybefure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: 'Well, whatd'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv our nation bestayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock, ' says ye in a feeble voice, 'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It reaches fr'm here to here, 'makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned disthrict undher th' blanket. 'Ifelt it comin' on last night but I didn't say annything f'r fear ivalarmin' me wife, so I simply groaned, ' says ye. 

"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room lookin'at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an says: 'Laveme look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum, ' he says, holdin' ye'er wrist an' bowin'through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet car. 'Does thathurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' suburbs iv th' pain. 'Ye know it does, ' says ye with a groan. 'Don't do that again. Yescratched me. ' He hurls ye'er wrist back at ye an' stands at th' windowlookin' out at th' firemen acrost th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He saysnawthin' to ye an' ye feel like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th'jury is fumblin' in his inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand itno longer. 'Dock, ' says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to diebut tell me th' worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well, ' says he, 'yehave a slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscriptionought to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrugsthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye to becareful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or a largepercintage iv plasther iv Paris in it. ' An' he goes away to write hisbill. 

"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can readhis purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note to th'dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. An' it's agood thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll not cash this inat no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' get th' rale thing. ' So, afther thryin' to decipher this here corner iv a dhress patthern, yeclimb into ye'er clothes f'r what may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchyRoad. As ye go along ye begin to think that maybe th' Dock knows ye haveth' Asiatic cholery an' was onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner ivdealin' with ye. As ye get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an''tis with th' air iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to ayoung pharmycist who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. Hehands it over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r achild, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' worse. Ican't make this out at all. ' 'Oh, ' says th' chemist, layin' down hisspoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. Ye'll find a bucket ivit in th' back room next to th' coal scuttle. '

"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no matther whatye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in me hair. If thatdon't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle into th' river. Yefeel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' medical journals aboutth' case. It is a remarkable cure. 'M---- H---- was stricken withexcruciating tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusuallysevere outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it mightbe niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an uglyspace between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. Gin. VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle uncorkedf'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed signs ivrecovery an' is now again in his accustomed health. '

"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' all th'time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into whin Iwasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no good. An'that wud be most iv me cases. 

"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. 'Ye'ers is avery thrying pro-fissyon, ' says I. 'It is, ' says he. 'I'm tired out, 'says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases to-day?' says I. 'Itisn't that, ' says he, 'but I'm not a very muscular man, ' he says, 'an'some iv th' windows in these old frame houses are hard to open, ' hesays. Th' Dock don't believe much in dhrugs. He says that if he wasn'tafraid iv losin' his practice he wudn't give annybody annything butquinine an' he isn't sure about that. He says th' more he practisesmedicine th' more he becomes a janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. Hesays if people wud on'y call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolishivry disease in th' ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he'slookin' forward to th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll heara voice sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well inhis life. ' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th'horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a pipefuliv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block. '

"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him orannything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' doctorwas th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er mustache, give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while ye were havin'ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv doctors has hadtheir favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv fatal maladies beapplications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the skulls iv dead men an'solutions iv bat's wings, just as now they're cured be dhrinkin' atayspoonful iv a very ordhinary article iv booze that's had some kind iva pizenous weed dissolved in it. 

"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a little moreiv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar dhrug in th'ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen of great use inmedicine. ' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny years till he told methat it was about the same thing they put into Rough on Rats. Thin Istopped. If I've got to die, I want to die on th' premises. 

"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs an' yemight as well give thim something that will look important enough to beinthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' head. If ye don't, they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, I haven't got annythingto say again patent medicines. If a man wud rather take thim thin dhrinkat a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r a long dhraw, he's within hisrights. Manny a man have I known who was a victim iv th' tortures iv acigareet cough who is now livin' comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiendbe takin' Doctor Wheezo's Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst whosuffered fr'm spring fever to that extent that he niver did a day'swurruk. To-day, afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go homenot on'y with th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is adhrug store on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloonsonless th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaineor chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinalminigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile. "

"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Niver whin I'm well, " said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so sick I'dtake annything. "

A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP

"Hogan was in here just now, " said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me he wastalkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to have warwith th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. Befure verylong thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand us a crack in th'eye an' thin ye'll see throuble. "

"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it, " said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan sayswe've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much fightin' I'ddo f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, which ar-re a blamednuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're about as vallyable as a toyballoon to a horse-shoer, we've got to grab a lot iv th' surroundin'dampness to protect thim. That's wan reason why we're sure to have war. Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their littleforty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th' San Francisco publicschools. A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Aldermanis that they'd been dhrinkin' together. 

"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this counthrycud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals?Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' home fr'm th'bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around th' top iv a Jap'shead while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th' waist an'they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo. ' D'ye raymimber how we hollered withjoy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv aman-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see th'cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyanmoojiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone athousand miles into Rooshyan territory an' were about busted an' ayetherhad to stop fightin' or not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, yeknow who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It'sgone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye. ' An th' angel iv peacebrooded over th' earth an' crowed lustily. 

"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column next toth' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' defeat ivRooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw a Japannywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink. 

"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little people. How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akelto th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thinanny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eightdays with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an oldcivvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th'first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th'mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones, autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv ourboasted Westhren divilopement. 

"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Japsoldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to havehis head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatmentiv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th'higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorestman in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same asour female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wifeiv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push. 

"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey'spitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back, was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatestathletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnsonover a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cudblow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finestsoordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into acombat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thinhe uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fiftytimes over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eighthundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud'tag, ' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classesengaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade butstarted banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he gottwo dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch ivart that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had usbeat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerlyfriends iv th' Prisidint. 

"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. Iinvied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't givenme two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a noselike an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Japan' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that usedto come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was acook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hourabout th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, wondherful land, ' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherryblossoms a' gasyhee girls, ' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land, ' saysPrince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home, ) Nippon, Isalute ye, ' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' mayye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai, 'says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause, Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteendollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' nextmornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest wasmeltin' all over th' flure. 

"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' twogr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan gotth' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news bothstopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled toTokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidintbeginnin' 'Dear mick, ' got a brick put through his hat as he wint tovisit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant toth' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest tohis Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A littlelater a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceivein person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin'ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth ivtheir rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel. Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally wereshot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week aprom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th'Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv linemen, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag ivdinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th'Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benignattintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin'childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th'first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, weadore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud'veshook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove ouraffection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'ershores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school systemis well worth studyin'. '

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago withblood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen. Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced thatrather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' hisa-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite, an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump latelyan' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out therethey're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-recompared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese growup too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see aJap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had alittle lamb, ' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schoolshe'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in. "

"We'd bate thim in a fight, " said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand upbefure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours. "

"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong, " said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe weon'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it beth' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty ivpeace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thimth' Ph'lippeens!"

THE ARMY CANTEEN

"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight. Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th'champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had alittle th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryorhavin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reatto see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet. "

"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Ye might say he was, " said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if yedidn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed. Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our bravefellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl, ' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin'debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me, ' 'Tis 'Father, dear father, come home with me now. ' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an'makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This herereform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union, no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theerythat dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if yefought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd ivwar, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawdiv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th'Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'Thatfellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an'Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war. 

"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Upat Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besotthimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to seethim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' dampsthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an'swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. Tothis palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honorhastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after hehad pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mendedth' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel'swife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th'food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th'cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an'thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th'bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper. 

"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As adillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv AmericaI've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellowfr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show begoin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' timeagain to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin'th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage inthis thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whindacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' nivera soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress payanny attintion to us? It did not. 

"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' ChristyanTimp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th'last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributedcopies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish, ' amongour sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv ourgallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan ivthim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel. Let us go in. ' An' in they wint. 

"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes wasenough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an'blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happythough single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th'greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin'cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' inmusic, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others wereintint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmedwith unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethransshtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellowflood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I amto dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. Butconcealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th'taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America, supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th'flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer. 

"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain longin this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygationrecovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' toskin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to hisineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that thatbottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'erwrong, mum, ' says he. 'It's Pilsener, ' he says. 'Soon or late, ' shesays, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye, ' she says. 'Not me, ' says th'vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasantcompanyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little ivth' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has aperfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum, madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's ademon, ' says he. 'Why, ' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?'says she. 'Because, ' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annythingsthronger without desertin, ' he says. 

"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what aCongressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'ything a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv, an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv isth' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' tencommandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd makethim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y. 'But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd beenthere befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lairin th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand, an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat. 'Ladies, ' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th'ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like anadder, ' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies, ' says th'Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer thatwill dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag, ' he says. 'Weabolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol, ' he says. 'We done it to maketh' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth haveordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But, ' he says, 'th'popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Yesee these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle ivBourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!'

"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all rightnow. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Someiv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened placesconvenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corrodingbeer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I seewan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If thesojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takescare iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelvedollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve timeseight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th'coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holdsits next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' YoungLadies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions callan affilyated organization. "

"Oh, well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right. "

"An' they ar-re, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th'sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as muchiv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r a year. I'dgive up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble Ihave fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'mno betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something thatcures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th'lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an'ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life. Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think hewas betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance hasthrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-reeppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frindto thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most. It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis athreacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man. 

"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priestto see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan manhe'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib, ' as Dock O'Leary does whin heordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three timesa day at meals. ' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all. 

"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud ivme business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanican' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden'tcare a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah intoth' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have toget me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds. 

"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reformman, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worthreformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizenhimsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin theydon't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tison'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no useexcept to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all. He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. Theysee how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take itaway fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he'sdhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside outas well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th'fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an'something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know thatthere is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an'that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwisemight've died single. "

"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it. "

"Yes, " said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver beenreally against it. "

THINGS SPIRITUAL

"Th' latest thing in science, " said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' humansoul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye befure yedie an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is what ye'ersoul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv a soul in NewEngland is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies that th'conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' soul wud be in th'heavyweight class, f'r th' New England conscience is no feather. Hethinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies burrid in th' roons ivits old fam'ly home--th' liver. 

"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow it'ssimple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see anny money init as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul weighed? Suppose ye'ertime has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their own thoughts, grievin'because they hadn't been as good to ye as they might, because they won'thave ye with thim anny more, because it's too late f'r thim to squarethimsilves, pityin' ye because ye'er not remainin' to share theirsorrows with thim, wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were boughtin honor iv what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim inmimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th'very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to lookas sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. Theynudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm time totime they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to make a laugh'bleface. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're surprised he isn'tgayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. Therear-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles ashe goes by, an' two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what afine man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much. 

"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th'first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in ye'er lifeye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years ye've been somebodyelse. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relations, th' polismanon th' beat, th' doctor, th' newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th'mills, th' laws iv th' land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th'tailor, th' barber, an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held alookin'-glass in front iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled yeto make faces in it. But in this here particular business ye have no wanto please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye'reakelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or stayye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry whistlean' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science shakes ye be th'elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out. ' An' he weighs figures: 'Wanhundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' fifty. Siven fr'm naughtcan't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I find that th'soul iv our late laminted frind weighed a light three poundsavirdoopoise. '

"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't have theirsouls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go throughth' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had toget an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny. '

"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin heentered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul tooffset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wudhave a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can seehim he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home milesahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell have to weigh out, ' an'a little later a notice is posted up that Dorgan is disqualified f'rridin' undherweight in th' matther iv soul. On th' other hand, there'slittle Miss Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all but left at th' post;she's jostled all th' way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. Butshe's th' only wan iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighsninety-six pounds--six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it soul. 

"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their soulsweighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. Th' peoplethat wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want to be tested byit. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: 'Misther So-an'-so, th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, universally regretted. His estate amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There ar-re two largebequests to charity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside f'r his maidensister Annybelle, who will receive f'r life th' income on eighthundhred dollars in stock iv th' Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' otheris forty-two dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein'undherstood that no charge is to be made be th' estate against th'brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteenfour. Th' balance iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minorchildher until they ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that hissoul be measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wanpennyweight. '"

"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it'sthere, but I think--I kind iv feel--I wondher--I don't hardly know--"

"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re not to bethrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who tells time be aclock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is different tome. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in th' avenin' that passbetween two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re hours in th' arly mornin'whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in. Clocksar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything getsgood enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' otherfellow. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul'sweight fr'm what th' scales say. Little I care. A pound or two more orless makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' somethingthat's precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on asee-saw. 

"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about annything?I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years thin anny wan iverwint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know annything aboutannything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modest man. Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won'tannybody say that they don't know annything about annything worthknowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befureme class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on ascales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as--ye'ersilf. I'llhave to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It wasobtained be false pretences. '

"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf. I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye don't careannything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin'that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go over to seeDooley, ' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to Dooley's. 'I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look like a row iv modelwurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch ye'er silences to. I'malways about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a millyon Dooleys an' all ivthim sthrangers to ME. I niver know which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'mlike a hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wanat a time an' tumble each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th'bottle with a gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th'wurruld, an' suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomywretch that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'mjust gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross, cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with me. An'so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows an' I knownawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip iv anny otherman, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted. 

"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. Don'tthry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if ye do thatenough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've got to start inbelievin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief. Our old frindChristopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason f'r believin' that therewas anny such a place as America. But he believed it without a reasonan' thin wint out an' found it. Th' fellows that discovered th' canalson Mars which other fellows think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn'tanny right to think there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'Iwondher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll lookan' see. Be Hivens, there ar-re. ' If he'd wondhered an' thin believedabout clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is proofiv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes inth' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run awayfr'm doubt. 

"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his belief. If Isee a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him hollerin', 'Hooray, I've discovered a new planet, ' I'll be th' last man in th' wurruld tobrush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. I've known people that seeghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. They cud see ghosts an' Icudden't. There wasn't annything else to it. I knew a fellow that was aSpiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel morgedge business on week daysan' he was a Spiritulist on Sunday. He cud understand why th' spiritswud always pick out a stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that hadhis thumb mark registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an'he knew why spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why theyconvarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man thatwud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r good. "

"My aunt seen a ghost wanst, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost, " said Mr. Dooley. 

BOOKS

"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tisme frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth. Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages ivage. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wudrather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv itslessons f'r hope an' teeth. 

"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajatecoorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin'th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How surethey are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh butwe are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don'thear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't eventhankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whinwe f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin'th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more. 

"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an'I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rableinstitution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in towaken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th'other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th'star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normalhealthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whinthey enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints anew relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things outiv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven'tgot th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' frmesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can getth' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a manwas a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleepwithout takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think thatDoctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. Theyare sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a manwho is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter. But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim outcarefully. 'Give me me tools, ' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-footshelf iv books. ' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izesthat th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to timethis can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing. Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table. Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an'hermetically sealed. 

"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore asEpicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it showshow broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has includedMilton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye mightcall summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy. Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problemplay. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a dailynewspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how itcomes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niverguess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A mostinjanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were foureditions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-coveredcopies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches. I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanstf'r some manager. 

"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tellye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. Idon't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light, perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think ivannything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with aglass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this littlejim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisycall to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I maneI niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica inme pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returnedit. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yethow few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars thatif ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out ivivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, haveniver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' yecudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries ithas proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes, f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th'sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an'blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. Iwondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk ivWilliam Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?

"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must begrander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. Heain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long yearsago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaperwith me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'rsocyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt tojine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always atit. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin letit alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He readswith his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand bookstores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' otherpassengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' theirhouses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tellye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an'he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him readbooks that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan isalways wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some menare affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hoganbelieve in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain'tannything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An'he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' todesthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to ahero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower, ' say I. 'Limitye'ersilf to a book or two a day, ' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Takesoft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye aregoin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'ddivide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lendmoney to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'rth' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th'heroes, ' says I. 'Ye may be right, ' says he. 'But 'tis too late to doannything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv mefellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden'tthrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r allth' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld, 'says he. 

"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nentget-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full. 'An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about hisbooks so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't comeundher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friendCharles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. Heis sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. 'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th'time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' childis profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niverknow whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about. Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn yedown. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th'usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, butbecause ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place, ' says ye. 'An' I'mjust beginnin' to larn, ' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead, ' says th'faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything. ' An' there yeare. What'll ye take?"

"I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy. 

"I don't mean what you mean, " said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin'paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"

THE TARIFF

"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen aredoin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' awayundher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th'tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frindbig Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to seeth' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff hasbeen a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds ivsome iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A littlegentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all thatis nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tenderin some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' givehim a little nourishment to build him up, ' he says. An' th' last I heerdabout it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated cratherye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to behelped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight. No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver. 

"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's afine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrestswell. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. Sohe sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r aweek. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an'romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th'Dead-wood Dick series. 

"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th'declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind ivgloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbiaputtin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soilfr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horsehair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' Isuppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons. 

"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin'to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'yeknow Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye. Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so. 'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin'th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this, counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy. We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show thisvulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin'around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, beHivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty percent. On ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit. That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar inth' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv fortyper cent. On knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five adozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes. We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune, ' says he. 

"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'erskin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide scheduleyet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It'sye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll haveto pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shinglesan' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv itwith ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an'karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'erwealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people. 

"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain'tso. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th'Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathrioticDimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if yedon't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes infree. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones. There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy allye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladiescomin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in theirstockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs. 

"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty. 'Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove thatthey had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thimf'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientificpurposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th'Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks tocatch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth inth' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't haveto put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thimchalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand afive to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that Ipicked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through. ' No, sir, teeth are free. 

"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a goodthing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea. Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jootyon Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th'protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck itfr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soapis on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv NewYork objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir, ' he says, 'wemust not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor, ' hesays. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud notdeny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu, ' he says. So pulu was put on th'free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it ison'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease. 

"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canarybur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th'next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrikea blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman, who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen withoutwan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallantfight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with alighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap thisyear, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. Thereought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud makea nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttlefish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop aroundan' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed. 

"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' listI see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment toSinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmlessdhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that'ssatisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th'free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demandthat we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frindWillum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' otherday that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. Butdoes he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enoughAmerican spunk?

"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. Butthere are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles, wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, lifeboats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' newtariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. Butthere's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' freelist? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No. Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy. Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye ifye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise. Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re onth' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wanpretty soon. 

"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his pricelessjoss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin'pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Improriv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me aheadache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm RhodeIsland has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th'tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it oughtto read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill. ' Ye can takethis sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball ivhop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has beenrejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye. Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye seeye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er privateyacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art morethin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, whileth' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle. 

"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, Ihave. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd inCongress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hallhas resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge inaccents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv buttonshoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to saythat this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th'hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th'custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathrioticresult was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral mindedfellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He'salmost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Yebet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he canlave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes todisthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail tothrow a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th'riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing tosee thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation. 

"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th'dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv ourleaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th'lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injineiv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long, ' he says, 'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, whilewan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise mevoice again a tariff on lathes, onless, ' he says, 'this dhreadimplymint iv oppressyon is akelly used, ' he says, 'to protict th' blandan' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth, ' he says. 

"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny, ' says th'sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I wasbrought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintionye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv thismonsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How aboutth' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything?Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I willtalk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th'proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th'tamarack bark iv old Virginya. '

"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'

"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a curef'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpetslippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes itan' he needs th' money. '

"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable, ' saysSinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to putboth feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?'

"'In such circumstances, ' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud befoorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrinesiv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island, ' says he. 

"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrythingdone on th' fine old principle iv give an' take. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreignerpays th' tax, annyhow. "

"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden. "

THE BIG FINE

"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. With, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"Twinty-nine millyon dollars, " said Mr. Dooley. 

"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjousfine. I can't hardly believe it. "

"It's thrue, though, " said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars. Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was thatthey arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. Was goin'around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speedlimit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th'neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an oldoffender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyondollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk. 

"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. Hewuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. Allhe'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skintwinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th'clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that heneeded th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that youan' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as aman is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoilit. But Jawn D. , havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takeson'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin'that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther hisown money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it whereit won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'rth' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his moneyhe takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th'man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin, with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coaxour little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an'have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th'polis arrest him f'r abduction. 

"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tissthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum JenningsBryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, arenow showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm theirdecisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. Wud bow his head reverentially in th'awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor. This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give meenough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons. ' Buthe doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th'coorts on'y if they bow first. 

"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an'indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thimas they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judgeonless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it. Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision thatseems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at apicnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowedto a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort, knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman ina black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be prettyvinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile. 

"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst, payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th'other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just toannoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I'vebent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thinit took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th'tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he'sfigurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints ivtwo or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to. Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges becausethey have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is whyannybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'drather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decidesit th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's justbeen beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th'judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, givesth' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an'runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an'says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye'vewhispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust himto referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hearfr'm me. ' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won, an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coortcomes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is anotherargymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools. 

"That's th' way Jawn D. Felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondherwill they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a longsentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted tojuggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergencyhospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have thatamount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he wasborn. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay itif he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th'bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rateit'll be a long time befure Jawn D. An' me meet again on thegoluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. Refuses to go backon his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll bewan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man oughtto be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eightthousand years. 

"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an'good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an'disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly inlife. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to bea little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that mepockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it. 'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure Igot it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain aboutth' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd'veturned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money butvery awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves toivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin'how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat businesscapacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. Nomatter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn'ttotally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our meanswill allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraidiv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th'poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the resultsiv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th'coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' goldrimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this mancharged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tinmillyon dollars, ' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' blackcap. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim. "

"I'll not say ye're wrong, " said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frindJawn D. Feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th'worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain inincompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it whereit'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don'tsee how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirtydollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may notdo what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their homelife may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th'Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betthersurroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv'Polis, ' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niverwill have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th'governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a goodmanny iv thim go to th'bad. "

"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"I don't know, " said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes outat the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find agreat manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation butnot much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll bearly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to theirwurruk. "

EXPERT TESTIMONY

"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"An expert witness, " said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a manmust be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctorsdon't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich dothat ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men withmoney, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'rsanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit acrime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get acerty-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye'relet out iv Joliet. 

"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. Thatstill goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completelyhanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befurean awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look aftherhis inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffyatmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsomepitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' juryiv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' solejudges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hangedan' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletoryfrind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up ivham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in himthat must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station. 

"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'BriefNews Jottings, ' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th'Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grimcoorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th'law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in ourfair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enoughto get all he wanted to eat. 

"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. Hedon't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv doocesin a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don'tdeal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. Ido not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do notcare to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'rth' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudicedan' that ye can slip somethin' to. 

"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y templeiv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niverthrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th'handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thrileswhere she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may beblind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture intoher lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th'pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takesoff th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord. 

"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak intoHogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse totake his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Yewudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Yegive him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th'clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-aperscomes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watchfr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim. Unwritten law to be invoked, ' an' there's an article to show that annywan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man tohave th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it. This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich. Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations, an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard topersons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye. 

"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th'watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th'clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it, ' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an'hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have, ' says th'pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it, ' says th'coort. 'I will not, ' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket. 'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-regoin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane, 'says th' lawyer. 'I object, ' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legalto inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations isestablished. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How dowe know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much moneyhave ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more. 'Th' coort: 'Objection overruled. '

"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th'head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum. ' 'As guest orlandlord?' 'As both. ' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question. Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an'supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose itwas snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' righthand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hatan' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'Iobjict, ' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larnedfrind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbidsth' mention iv th' days iv th' week. ' 'Scratch out Winsday an'substichoot four o'clock in Janooary, ' says th' coort. 'Now, how doesth' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an'supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very largesalary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an'supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th'night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was henot funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question, ' says th'State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th'wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th'laws iv evidence. ' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' saysth' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has, ' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike outth' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud"aloofness. "

"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did. ' 'Where?' 'In th'pa-apers. ' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned. ' 'What did thatindicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaineexcelsis--' 'Greek wurruds, ' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek, ' says th'expert. 'Pro-ceed, ' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion, ' says th'expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm asudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden Idon't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in hischimbley, like a storm at sea. ' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th'crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimesleads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germanscall tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly saneall his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his headan' blew th' cover off. '

"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have acare how ye answer that question, me boy, ' says th' pris'ner, carelesslyjingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well, I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayedfeather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? Idon't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemenhad half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not bewastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel ivthis gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut comparedwith this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able, magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve fouran' twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow atthat. '

"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th'Judge. 'I propose, ' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some raleexperts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight waysfr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insaneon this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfecklysane. ' 'Oh, look here, Judge, ' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' DailyFluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if yedon't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'lllet him off. ' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy, ' saysanother lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin acucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in ourvallyable journal this mornin'. '

"'Sir, ' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rendThompson Jubb. ' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same, 'says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lordwho astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th'Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an'playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet. 'Granted, ' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an'th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a moboutside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort willnow adjourn be th' back dure. ' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. 'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin', ' says th' clerk. 'Thin Imust be goin' too, ' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re. "

"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim expertsar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymonyan' perjury?"

"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley. 

THE CALL OF THE WILD

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt has beendoin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are full iv mangledauthors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors goes out into th'woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on crutches. "

"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. 

"'Twas this way, " said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me lithryadviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in lithrachoor, an' I doth' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a little something that'sexcitin' comin' to me, but this time he's made good. It seems, ye see, that a good manny iv th' la-ads that write th' books have been lavin'th' route iv th' throlley line an' takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtlean' Clarence an' th' wrong done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutalforeman iv lard tank nine, an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy loveaffairs iv Carrie Boo, th' deer, an' th' throubles in th' domesticrelations iv th' pan fish an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'ybooks that Hogan has told me about have been wrote about animiles. I'vealways thought iv th' beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' aleg off a man that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boystell me they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, getmarrid an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devouredbe thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink toexcess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be surprisedto know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' that th' gophercomplained iv his gas bills. 

"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' illyphant Iwondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv his that he usesakelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' fork. Is herecallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man sunk an ice pickinto him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some wan still there thathe thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does she iver dhream iv him asshe ates her hay an' rubs her back agin th' bars iv her gilded cage?There's th' hippypotamus. He don't look to be full iv sintiment, but yenever can tell. Manny an achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppyexteeryor. Somewhere in sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' frhim. Th' wallow at th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' oozearranged be tinder paws. But he will not return. They will meet, butthey will miss him, there will be wan vacant lair. 

"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm thinkin' ivaskin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to spind an avenin'with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says there's nawthin' in it. It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' best they can. Ye can'texpect an author to lave his comfortable flat an' go three or fourthousand miles to larn whether th' hero iv his little love storymurdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' ear or be fellin' him with ahalf Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why should he? Who wud feed th' goold fishwhile he was gone?

"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' wilds an'p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he calls f'r sometea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' writes: 'Vichtry wasnot long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he cud return to his burrowTusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail an' dashed his brains out agina rock. With a leap in th' air th' bold wolf put to rout a covey ivmuskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' overivry animile battlefield. Wan blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th'buffalo. With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th'most threacherous an' th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzedbe th' boldness iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' sceneiv havoc, as is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th'cow, which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted himwith th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it iswell known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th' wolfis no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary wolf. As heheerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' strength iv athousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat, f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been more careful; he shedhis coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly advanced on th' foe. Hisinimy give th' low growl iv his hated thribe. How manny a time have Iheerd it in Englewood an' shuddered with fear. But th' dauntless Tuskyanswered back with his battle song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, hiswife accompanyin' him fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. Withwan spring th' inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sinkher venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, he back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to pointiv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat bulk iv th'monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' torrent an' took th'count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his mate. She was eatin' th'whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace come to th' jungle. '

"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' bestanimile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help me storyto tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his eye blacked, an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to put wan over thatstopped another wolf. That's what usually happens up this way, an' itain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a story that'll inthrest mefrinds I give it to thim good. Whin I describe me fav'rite hero, DockHaggerty, I tell about him throwin' wan man out iv th' window an' usin'another as a club to bate th' remainin' twelve into submission. But ifI had to swear to it, an' wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, Iwudden't say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man--at atime. At a time, mind ye. He might take care iv a procession ivJohnsons. But he'd be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th'Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If ivermore thin wan comes at wanst, ' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked, ' he says. 

"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I want toread. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' blew in megood thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd want some kindiv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' best day I iverknew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. I won't say it wasmuch, but now that we're both retired, I'll say that I'm glad I niverchallenged him. But I wudden't look at a book, an' I wudden't annyway, but I wudden't let Hogan tell me about a hero that cudden't wear anovercoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an'something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, aplug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th'referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an'fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap throughth' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' samething--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' aboutf'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talkabout--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe. 

"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thimnature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th'fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wudinthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I donot wish to be harsh, ' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize thesehere nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thinliar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example, What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubtit. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear. Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondnessf'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound inth' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyondmakin' thim hard iv hearin'. 

"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. Thisis a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books areused in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge ivwild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what ishis message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thimthat I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth, instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to anundherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisonstheir innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can'tthink iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--thatth' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th'gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women bebrought up on such infamyous docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attackConneticut an' th' bells shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' theselittle darlings shud follow this false prophet an' run out in theirnighties an' thry to leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised?Wudden't the little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want thesehere darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautifultruth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him. There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with wanterrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way WillumJ. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest throat ivanny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud hate to have tosthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's cramp f'r monthsaftherward. '

"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these herenature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. Th' wildanimiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best they can an'th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, manin' get whatye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes on. But some wan oughtto bring out a new nature story. I've thought iv chapter twinty-eight:'With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. Jubb, th' well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study. With another he disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, whoretired fr'm th' Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe totheir heejous docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote hiscillybrated book on wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn carwindow. It took on'y a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound onSeton-Thompson's kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primevalforest. Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an'thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted ally, John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice that had solong preyed on th' counthry. '

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these neefaryousplots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. Th' man thattells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is bepretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought tobe put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Longwon't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxesthat come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't makeanny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence tous how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' we'recomin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason why. Isuppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite somethingthat they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had to bring up aflock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't much care what theylarned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' chambok, but I'd teachthim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, an' th' bite iv th' polismanon th' beat. "

"Well, " said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow thatwrites books f'r childher ought to write th' truth. "

"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim, " said Mr. Dooley. "Annyhow, th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay aven boord wages, an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a job on th' side. "

THE JAPANESE SCARE

"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley. 

"I did not, " said Mr. Hennessy. 

"Nor I, " said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv asinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're intoye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ralArmour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare togo down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war. Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. Asmile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to usCowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellowmakin' faces at me, ' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye, ' says th'Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks. ' 'Thin he must have his facechanged, ' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'lldivastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers, ' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea, 'he says. 

"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's nolegal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th'Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayordesires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman onth' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin'visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel, Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me beth' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' meliquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, rollup me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh'to any black-an'-tan I meet. 

"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymitedhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party ivJap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv JohnHancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bedwith a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th'Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man thatbrought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now littlechilder atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, willcurse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man thatdone so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So Istayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over. 

"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fearan' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' wholenation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese inLos Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficultf'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things atye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylainfacthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whosename has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyobefure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what hecud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threatyrights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into hiscollar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouthorgan. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name ivScully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sadresult that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threatyrights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is somerelief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidinthas sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully. 

"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discusssindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rightsiv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick ivth' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoothransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two. ' 'Th'Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist inAlbany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquistedth' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land. ''Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs tomarry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical studentan' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-housekeeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'neseConsul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an oldfrind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th'Chink. ' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th'Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' ariprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th'seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles whichis th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their griefth' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an'Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo. '

"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good olddays we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden'tinsult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong, befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantiledisordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, aGerman, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas anEnglishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We givehim th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th'head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wannaytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proudboast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke tobe a Fr-rinchman. 

"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don'ttouch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hatdown on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be whatHogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'llbe desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long tillwe'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. Ir-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had beenreorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashionedpetticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafshave been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete newassortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th'evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th'next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind LipHung's laundhry. 

"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part ivprudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thinabont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They wereall alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take offme hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r adozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Theirships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th'Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iverpayin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th'whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. Theyuse guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines ivdesthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y knownto thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin'eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible. A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on asmall piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such aperfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that theyhave made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies ivEurope. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse inJapan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan ivtheir magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko isa sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to befeared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. Heis so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Mostsojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hardto convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshyabecause not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought tobe scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellaris bomb-proof. 

"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls awurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare, winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body wasinvious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner. Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybewint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it annylonger. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cutinto th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wanhand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th'Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine leadthat was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to lookat his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th'deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighborwinds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an'denouncin' me. "

"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us, " said Mr. Hennessy. "Th'likes iv thim!"

"Well, " said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to bepolite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a manis little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he'slittle an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look outf'r him. "

THE HAGUE CONFERENCE

"I see, " said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th'Passyfic. "

"I can't tell, " said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th'rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether itis to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers ivNew England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-rehopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy isdivided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan greatiditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy toreport at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another greatiditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril. Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm hismighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiestcook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' TopsyFizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict likeinternaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything. 

"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th'Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They'vedumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoistsar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loadedwith confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an'sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th'home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libriesreadin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute aseries iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th'Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' lastwar ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got upbe th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. Itwas a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just beenblown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv hiscousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitivepeace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy ashe set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone ivbombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' brokenglass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an agedservitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv PathrioticAssassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he saysto himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruldshud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot eachother f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'rtheir rile masthers, ' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an'go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers, ' hesays. 

"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reatmanny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they havebeen devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th'future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over aresolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejitdisarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers toturn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a veryheavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed wereEngland, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' theUnited States. 

"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thindiscussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' waraltogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no. 

"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question ivhow future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th'conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bulletwhich, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin amarble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th'allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that heregarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had anaunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fiftyyears iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscueiv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak withfeelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use thesepro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters. 

"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is, ' says he, 'quitethrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th'digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they beabolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjickraces, ' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white manoff his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a blackman they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th'improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thinanny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africathat th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to changeconditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains. Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. Heretired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life, ' he says. 'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters withraces that we properly considher infeeryor, ' he says. Th' dillygate fr'mSinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question ivprivilege, ' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open, 'says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint, ' he says. 

"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved thatin future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italyvotin' no. 

"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite, poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin'prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint wascreated durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands whoproposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thoughtthat this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud giveth' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeensojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that whilemuch cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to himrather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv annycannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th'Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud beconsidered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid. 

"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to goto war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th'English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if yedeprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wudtake away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again tocease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considherth' moral side alone, ' he says. Th' conference was much moved be thispathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into hishankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly tookan open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala. 

"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud befed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th'reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chinyarose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?''Th' Lord knows, we don't, ' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors ivcolledges or lawyers whin we're home, ' he says. 'Is it war to shoot myaunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no. ' 'Is it war tohook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurridaway to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robberywar?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war, ' says th' Englishdillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example, ' he says. 

"'Well, ' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tellthim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young menover to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave orby ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an'they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out ivth' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that Iniver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th'hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' fortyminyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in asummer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped tosteal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment, ' says he. 'Was thatwar or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition, ' says th' dillygatefr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyancivvylization. ' 'Thin, ' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on hishat, 'I'm f'r war, ' he says. 'It ain't so rough, ' he says. An' he winthome. "

TURKISH POLITICS

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's headthese days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be aking. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' bornoutside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't makeanny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't comefr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply, ' is th'motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sinda comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan, make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim himking, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants thatare let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is aSardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kingsan' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows whathe is. 

"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to prevint mefr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin I'd turn th'Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me subjicks, ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but marcifulmonarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty handed. I'dalways lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a cabinet I'd have, but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained flattherers that cud behired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud tell me th' truth, an' I'd livean' die happy. I'd show these modhern kings how a king ought to behave. Ye wudden't see Martin I, iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hiredentertainer, wan day doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th'layin' iv a cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th'Amalgamated Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horseswith Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r aballoon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles away. No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' thin I'dblindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' I'd niver openme mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' low taste iv kingshas rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r gintlemen, an' to-day I'd thinktwict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeple jack's, an' no more permanent thin a Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a kinggoes out an' looks haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipebomb at him, an' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped onth' back in th' paddock an' called 'Joe. '

"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, sometimesI let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be Sultan iv Turkey. There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. It was well paid, itlooked to be permanent, and I thought it about th' best situation in th'wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a combination iv pope an' king. If hedidn't like ye, he first excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye. There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on asilk embroidered lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legscurled up undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap, a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his elbow, apipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales whistle in th'cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful Circassyan ladies dance infront iv him far fr'm his madding throng iv wives, as th' pote says. 

"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he startsfr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august prisince. 'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' Sultan. 'Bark f'rth' ladies, ' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, descindant iv th' prophet, whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon an' stars, whose frown is deathan' whose smile is heaven to th' faithful;--' 'Don't be so familyar withme first name, ' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptiblesupplication, ' says he. 'Ye'er slave, ' says th' sicrety iv th' threasuryfr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that aftherstandin' th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake outmore thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'erawfulness, ' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyonpiasthres--bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls, ' says he. 'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult. Lave iton th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor, ' he says, an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson withlittle on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is asqueak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' thatlife without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an'get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' priceis lower. His people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thimto keep all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habitsbe takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim anArmeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business inthis counthry. 

"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man, 'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days. So whinI r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution startin' to fireAbdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance ye've got, me lads. Thatold boy will be holdin' down his job whin there's a resignation fr'm th'supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton, ' says I. 'Th' first thing ye youngTurks know ye'll-be gettin' a prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv anecktie, ' says I, 'an' it won't fit ye, ' says I. 

"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a pitcheriv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper--a snap-shot, mind ye! Think of that, will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew his thrade wud iverlet anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye iver hear iv Alexander th'Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a snap-shot took iv him? No, sir. Whin they wanted to satisfy th' vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to knowwhat their lord looked like, they chained an artist to a wall in th'cellar of th' palace an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcheriv me that will get ye out iv here, ' says they. Nobody in thim days knewthat th' king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was madeiv glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose. 

"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around Constantinople in ahack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor phottygrafters his job wassecure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to another about him theytalked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Ohme, oh my, ' says th' other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says hisvoice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wudshrivel th' likes iv ye an' me to a cinder. ' But whin Abdul, be damid, as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th'palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th'Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at--askinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an'forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-downcoat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's apitcher iv him. ' 'What, that little runt? Ye don't mean to say that'sth' Sultan. --Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th'corner an' asks me have I anny old clothes betther thin what I have on. An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let'sthrow him out. '

"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad ivpolis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' rung th' bell. 'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his shoe. 'Th' house is pulled, ' says th' captain. 'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'dbetther come peaceful, ' he says. An' they bust in th' dure an' th'Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selictsiliven iv his least formid-able wives to go along with him an' they puton their bonnets an' shawls an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' theirgoold fish an' their fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an'has to stop so that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something theyf'rgot at th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says, 'Did ye iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says, 'They're all alike, Doc, ' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off goesth' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. An' th'sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had been keptf'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' is boosted intoth' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is intherviewed be th'reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best he can an' he hopes th'press won't be too hard on him, because he is a poor loonytick annyhow. 

"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along with medhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If that's th'kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to take that wantsit. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to search th' palace, liketh' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd left anny money behind, divvleth' thrace they found iv annything that I'd thrade f'r me back room. Ibegun to feel sorry f'r th' poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on asofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranitethrees while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him withfans iv peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in agarret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that comenext or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent sleepnights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was foorced befashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Takeit all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now wherehe is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawn, an' sneakin' intoConstantinople iv a Saturday night an' seein' Circassyan girls dancin'f'r th' first time in his life. His childher are all grown up an' safein jail, he has four hundhred an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven area good manny in th' suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainyday, out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher ifye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th'first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'larex-sultan. '

"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, says I. There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther all. Whatopporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm a man thatniver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do annything hewanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It doesn't make annydiff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah iv Beloochistan, begorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that he can use it an' he'llbegin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan head tomorrah, two th' nextday, an' befure he's been on th' foorce or th' throne a year it'll be awhack on th' chimbly befure he says 'How ar-re ye. ' By an' by he'll getso manny people afraid iv him that he'll be in danger and that'll makehim afraid iv thim, an' thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'yemind? Th' on'y man ye need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid ivye. An' that's what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thoughtabout it whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'dfind him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin shecome in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't put inme application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be more of acoward thin I am. "

"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' about?" saidMr. Hennessy. 

"I don't know, " said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a cigar?"

VACATIONS

"Well, sir, " said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad orsorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in theturmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to seeth' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint awayon me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?"

"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y lastnight. "

"Ye did not, " said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but yedidn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. Ifit was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th'coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop ivth' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago. ' But about eightthirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changedinto th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort. "

"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked. 

"Divvle th' bit, " said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind notto be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacationcomes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summerresort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel likeit. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business isslack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsackan' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye'retalkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th'Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' tomesilf. 

"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue. That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind onrailroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Longafther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August, they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear offvery far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thimback. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyoniv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night. Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble ivth' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th'counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'rMudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin theyremimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Annbehind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop atMudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y onsignal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with itssprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' coolcounthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv daintyfood with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stopsoccasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don'tstop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where mostmen spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on anerrand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange afew wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stopat nawthin'. 

"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Yemake a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't knowwere on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th'thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folderan' see ye'er town marked 'see note b. ' Note b says: 'Thrains two tosixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked. ' 'What is th' number ivthis here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Numbertwelve, ' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do yeusually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' sayshe. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th'clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He madethree out iv tin last week, ' he says. 

"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an'come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal whocalls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife ivwantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisementsiv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure shegets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down toth' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin'back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th'theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign ivher indisposition. 

"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within memeans. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thradeiv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour, not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greekislands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry annybaggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoesor rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away mostiv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I?

"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky Mountains. Inth' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' West Indies or toMonty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo. Iplugged away at number siventeen an' it came up eighty-two timesrunnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' money on th' fickle Countess deBrie, but aisy came aisy go. Me disappointment was soon f'rgotten amongth' gayeties iv Algeers. I often go up th' Nile because it's handy toth' Ar-rchey Road. I can get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go toNewpoort, although it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. Itwas simple thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because hewore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready gooldbonnet that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an'marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis. It has changed since. But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th'older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyarscenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv daysthat ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind mesummers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht intosthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go. I huntan' I fish. Last year I wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made agr-reat catch--near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. An'it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard. 

"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at theirbest. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there. No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye'ersilf alongan' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv th' gr-reat comfortsiv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what's goin' on at home. Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th' newspa-aper he gets wasprinted just afther th' third inning iv th' baseball game th' day befureyisterdah. Th' result is that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what'shappened. He doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago orPittsburg is at th' head iv th' league. 

"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' sthrongdhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do things thatmake readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. Ivrything in th' pa-aperinthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrileblossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a cillybrated lawyer goin' to th'cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' an increase in th' honoraryum iv hiscillybrated collague. Lawyers don't take money. What they get f'r theirpublic sarvices in deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in achurch. Ye don't give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peaswith the money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. Butwhin things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested anotherhonoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum, mainin' I need th' money. 

"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How glad I amto know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' tariff to alevel where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how cud I be happyaway fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum Taft was gettin' onat goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that goes on at th' summercapitol. I am glad to know that Charles played tennis fr'm ten to ilivenan' aftherward took a throlley car ride to Lynn, where he bought a pairiv shoes an' a piece iv blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirelyrecovered. But th' rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Mefav'rite journal prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty. Horrible rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied. ' He's th' best golufplayer we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a shtrokea stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be a scoore ivwan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did so. 

"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to seeth' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his clubunyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent, th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first offth' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelesslybunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuumcleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint wasslightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin'daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were inth' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixthan' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint wasfirst out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin'at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance ivhome on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. Butth' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud beth' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety ivwar. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in aspirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot. A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat ingolufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruckhimsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy, took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th'green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet tobate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that wasestablished be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Unionin nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye, 'an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent wasobliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an'meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated). 

"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch withwhat's goin' on. "

"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call itrile an' ancient?"

"I don't know, " said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint ivth' United States has just took it up. "