[Transcriber's Note: Archaic spellings in the original text have beenretained in this version. ]

HIEROGLYPHIC TALES. 

_Schah Baham ne comprenoit jamais bien que les choses absurdes & hors detoute vraisemblance. _

Le Sopha, p. 5. 

STRAWBERRY-HILL: PRINTED BY T. KIRGATE, MDCCLXXXV. 

PREFACE. 

As the invaluable present I am making to the world may not please alltastes, from the gravity of the matter, the solidity of the reasoning, and the deep learning contained in the ensuing sheets, it is necessaryto make some apology for producing this work in so trifling an age, whennothing will go down but temporary politics, personal satire, and idleromances. The true reason then for my surmounting all these objectionswas singly this: I was apprehensive lest the work should be lost toposterity; and though it may be condemned at present, I can have nodoubt but it will be treated with due reverence some hundred ages hence, when wisdom and learning shall have gained their proper ascendant overmankind, and when men shall only read for instruction and improvement oftheir minds. As I shall print an hundred thousand copies, some, it maybe hoped, will escape the havoc that is made of moral works, and thenthis jewel will shine forth in its genuine lustre. I was in the greaterhurry to consign this work to the press, as I foresee that the art ofprinting will ere long be totally lost, like other useful discoverieswell known to the ancients. Such were the art of dissolving rocks withhot vinegar, of teaching elephants to dance on the slack rope, of makingmalleable glass, of writing epic poems that any body would read afterthey had been published a month, and the stupendous invention of newreligions, a secret of which illiterate Mahomet was the last personpossessed. 

Notwithstanding this my zeal for good letters, and the ardour of myuniversal citizenship, (for I declare I design this present for allnations) there are some small difficulties in the way, that prevent myconferring this my great benefaction on the world compleatly and all atonce. I am obliged to produce it in small portions, and therefore begthe prayers of all good and wise men that my life may be prolonged tome, till I shall be able to publish the whole work, no man else beingcapable of executing the charge so well as myself, for reasons that mymodesty will not permit me to specify. In the mean time, as it is theduty of an editor to acquaint the world with what relates to himself aswell as his author, I think it right to mention the causes that compelme to publish this work in numbers. The common reason of such proceedingis to make a book dearer for the ease of the purchasers, it beingsupposed that most people had rather give twenty shillings by sixpence afortnight, than pay ten shillings once for all. Public spirited as thisproceeding is, I must confess my reasons are more and merely personal. As my circumstances are very moderate, and barely sufficient to maintaindecently a gentleman of my abilities and learning, I cannot afford toprint at once an hundred thousand copies of two volumes in folio, forthat will be the whole mass of Hieroglyphic Tales when the work isperfected. In the next place, being very asthmatic, and requiring a freecommunication of air, I lodge in the uppermost story of a house in analley not far from St. Mary Axe; and as a great deal of good companylodges in the same mansion, it was by a considerable favour that I couldobtain a single chamber to myself; which chamber is by no means largeenough to contain the whole impression, for I design to vend the copiesmyself, and, according to the practice of other great men, shall signthe first sheet my self with my own hand. 

Desirous as I am of acquainting the world with many more circumstancesrelative to myself, some private considerations prevent my indulgingtheir curiosity any farther at present; but I shall take care to leaveso minute an account of myself to some public library, that the futurecommentators and editors of this work shall not be deprived of allnecessary lights. In the mean time I beg the reader to accept thetemporary compensation of an account of the author whose work I ampublishing. 

The Hieroglyphic Tales were undoubtedly written a little before thecreation of the world, and have ever since been preserved, by oraltradition, in the mountains of Crampcraggiri, an uninhabited island, not yet discovered. Of these few facts we could have the most authenticattestations of several clergymen, who remember to have heard themrepeated by old men long before they, the said clergymen, were born. We do not trouble the reader with these attestations, as we are sureevery body will believe them as much as if they had seen them. It is moredifficult to ascertain the true author. We might ascribe them with greatprobability to Kemanrlegorpikos, son of Quat; but besides that we arenot certain that any such person ever existed, it is not clear that heever wrote any thing but a book of cookery, and that in heroic verse. Others give them to Quat's nurse, and a few to Hermes Trismegistus, though there is a passage in the latter's treatise on the harpsichordwhich directly contradicts the account of the first volcano in the114th. Of the Hieroglyphic Tales. As Trismegistus's work is lost, itis impossible to decide now whether the discordance mentioned is sopositive as has been asserted by many learned men, who only guess at theopinion of Hermes from other passages in his writings, and who indeedare not sure whether he was speaking of volcanoes or cheesecakes, forhe drew so ill, that his hieroglyphics may often be taken for the mostopposite things in nature; and as there is no subject which he has nottreated, it is not precisely known what he was discussing in any oneof them. 

This is the nearest we can come to any certainty with regard to theauthor. But whether he wrote the Tales six thousand years ago, as webelieve, or whether they were written for him within these ten years, they are incontestably the most ancient work in the world; and thoughthere is little imagination, and still less invention in them; yet thereare so many passages in them exactly resembling Homer, that any manliving would conclude they were imitated from that great poet, if it wasnot certain that Homer borrowed from them, which I shall prove two ways:first, by giving Homer's parallel passages at the bottom of the page;and secondly, by translating Homer himself into prose, which shall makehim so unlike himself, that nobody will think he could be an originalwriter: and when he is become totally lifeless and insipid, it will beimpossible but these Tales should be preferred to the Iliad; especiallyas I design to put them into a kind of style that shall be neither versenor prose; a diction lately much used in tragedies and heroic poems, theformer of which are really heroic poems from want of probability, as anantico-moderno epic poem is in fact a meer tragedy, having little or nochange of scene, no incidents but a ghost and a storm, and no events butthe deaths of the principal actors. 

I will not detain the reader longer from the perusal of this invaluablework; but I must beseech the public to be expeditious in taking off thewhole impression, as fast as I can get it printed; because I must informthem that I have a more precious work in contemplation; namely, a newRoman history, in which I mean to ridicule, detect and expose, allancient virtue, and patriotism, and shew from original papers whichI am going to write, and which I shall afterwards bury in the ruins ofCarthage and then dig up, that it appears by the letters of Hanno thePunic embassador at Rome, that Scipio was in the pay of Hannibal, andthat the dilatoriness of Fabius proceeded from his being a pensionerof the Same general. I own this discovery will pierce my heart; but asmorality is best taught by shewing how little effect it had on the bestof men, I will sacrifice the most virtuous names for the instruction ofthe present wicked generation; and I cannot doubt but when once theyhave learnt to detest the favourite heroes of antiquity, they willbecome good subjects of the most pious king that ever lived since David, who expelled the established royal family, and then sung psalms to thememory of Jonathan, to whose prejudice he had succeeded to the throne. 

TALE 1. 

_A new Arabian Night's Entertainment. _

At the foot of the great mountain Hirgonqúu was anciently situated thekingdom of Larbidel. Geographers, who are not apt to make such justcomparisons, said, it resembled a football just going to be kicked away;and so it happened; for the mountain kicked the kingdom into the ocean, and it has never been heard of since. 

One day a young princess had climbed up to the top of the mountain togather goat's eggs, the whites of which are excellent for taking offfreckles. --Goat's eggs!--Yes--naturalists hold that all Beings areconceived in an egg. The goats of Hirgonqúu might be oviparous, and laytheir eggs to be hatched by the sun. This is my supposition; no matterwhether I believe it myself or not. I will write against and abuse anyman that opposes my hypothesis. It would be fine indeed if learned menwere obliged to believe what they assert. 

The other side of the mountain was inhabited by a nation of whom theLarbidellians knew no more than the French nobility do of Great Britain, which they think is an island that some how or other may be approachedby land. The princess had strayed into the confines of Cucurucu, whenshe suddenly found herself seized by the guards of the prince thatreigned in that country. They told her in few words that she must beconveyed to the capital and married to the giant their lord and emperor. The giant, it seems, was fond of having a new wife every night, who wasto tell him a story that would last till morning, and then have her headcut off--such odd ways have some folks of passing their wedding-nights!The princess modestly asked, why their master loved such long stories?The captain of the guard replied, his majesty did not sleep well--Well!said she, and if he does not!--not but I believe I can tell as longstories as any princess in Asia. Nay, I can repeat Leonidas by heart, and your emperor must be wakeful indeed if he can hold out against that. 

By this time they were arrived at the palace. To the great surprise ofthe princess, the emperor, so far from being a giant, was but five feetone inch in height; but being two inches taller than any of hispredecessors, the flattery of his courtiers had bestowed the name of_giant_ on him; and he affected to look down upon any man above his ownstature. The princess was immediately undressed and put to bed, hismajesty being impatient to hear a new story. 

Light of my eyes, said the emperor, what is your name? I call myself theprincess Gronovia, replied she; but my real appellation is the frowGronow. And what is the use of a name, said his majesty, but to becalled by it? And why do you pretend to be a princess, if you are not?My turn is romantic, answered she, and I have ever had an ambition ofbeing the heroine of a novel. Now there are but two conditions thatentitle one to that rank; one must be a shepherdess or a princess. Well, content yourself, said the giant, you will die an empress, withoutbeing either the one or the other! But what sublime reason had you forlengthening your name so unaccountably? It is a custom in my family, said she: all my ancestors were learned men, who wrote about the Romans. It sounded more classic, and gave a higher opinion of their literature, to put a Latin termination to their names. All this is Japonese to me, said the emperor; but your ancestors seem to have been a parcel ofmountebanks. Does one understand any thing the better for corruptingone's name? Oh, said the princess, but it shewed taste too. There wasa time when in Italy the learned carried this still farther; and a manwith a large forehead, who was born on the fifth of January, calledhimself Quintus Januarius Fronto. More and more absurd, said theemperor. You seem to have a great deal of impertinent knowledge about agreat many impertinent people; but proceed in your story: whence cameyou? Mynheer, said she, I was born in Holland--The deuce you was, saidthe emperor, and where is that? It was no where, replied the princess, spritelily, till my countrymen gained it from the sea--Indeed, moppet!said his majesty; and pray who were your countrymen, before you had anycountry? Your majesty asks a vey shrewd question, said she, which Icannot resolve on a sudden; but I will step home to my library, andconsult five or six thousand volumes of modern history, an hundred ortwo dictionaries, and an abridgment of geography in forty volumes infolio, and be back in an instant. Not so fast, my life, said theemperor, you must not rise till you go to execution; it is now one inthe morning, and you have not begun your story. 

My great grandfather, continued the princess, was a Dutch merchant, whopassed many years in Japan--On what account? said the emperor. He wentthither to abjure his religion, said she, that he might get money enoughto return and defend it against Philip 2d. You are a pleasant family, said the emperor; but though I love fables, I hate genealogies. I knowin all families, by their own account, there never was any thing butgood and great men from father to son; a sort of fiction that does notat all amuse me. In my dominions there is no nobility but flattery. Whoever flatters me best is created a great lord, and the titles Iconfer are synonimous to their merits. There is Kiss-my-breech-Can, myfavourite; Adulation-Can, lord treasurer; Prerogative-Can, head of thelaw; and Blasphemy-Can, high-priest. Whoever speaks truth, corrupts hisblood, and is ipso facto degraded. In Europe you allow a man to be noblebecause one of his ancestors was a flatterer. But every thingdegenerates, the farther it is removed from its source. I will not heara word of any of your race before your father: what was he?

It was in the height of the contests about the bull unigenitus--I tellyou, interrupted the emperor, I will not be plagued with any more ofthose people with Latin names: they were a parcel of coxcombs, and seemto have infected you with their folly. I am sorry, replied Gronovia, that your sublime highness is so little acquainted with the state ofEurope, as to take a papal ordinance for a person. Unigenitus is Latinfor the Jesuits--And who the devil are the Jesuits? said the giant. You explain one nonsensical term by another, and wonder I am never thewiser. Sir, said the princess, if you will permit me to give you a shortaccount of the troubles that have agitated Europe for these last twohundred years, on the doctrines of grace, free-will, predestination, reprobation, justification, &c. You will be more entertained, and willbelieve less, than if I told your majesty a long story of fairies andgoblins. You are an eternal prater, said the emperor, and veryself-sufficient; but talk your fill, and upon what subject you like tilltomorrow morning; but I swear by the soul of the holy Jirigi, who rodeto heaven on the tail of a magpie, as soon as the clock strikes eight, you are a dead woman. Well, who was the Jesuit Unigenitus?

The novel doctrines that had sprung up in Germany, said Gronovia, madeit necessary for the church to look about her. The disciples ofLoyola--Of whom? said the emperor, yawning--Ignatius Loyola, the founderof the Jesuits, replied Gronovia, was--A writer of Roman history, Isuppose, interrupted the emperor: what the devil were the Romans to you, that you trouble your head so much about them? The empire of Rome, andthe church of Rome, are two distinct things, said the princess; and yet, as one may say, the one depends upon the other, as the new testamentdoes on the old. One destroyed the other, and yet pretends a right toits inheritance. The temporalities of the church--What's o'clock, saidthe emperor to the chief eunuch? it cannot sure be far from eight--thiswoman has gossipped at least seven hours. Do you hear, mytomorrow-night's wife shall be dumb--cut her tongue out before you bringher to our bed. Madam, said the eunuch, his sublime highness, whoseerudition passes the lands of the sea, is too well acquainted with allhuman sciences to require information. It is therefore that his exaltedwisdom prefers accounts of what never happened, to any relation eitherin history or divinity--You lie, said the emperor; when I exclude truth, I certainly do not mean to forbid divinity--How many divinities haveyou in Europe, woman? The council of Trent, replied Gronovia, hasdecided--the emperor began to snore--I mean, continued Gronovia, thatnotwithstanding all father Paul has asserted, cardinal Palaviciniaffirms that in the three first sessions of that council--the emperorwas now fast asleep, which the princess and the chief eunuch perceiving, clapped several pillows upon his face, and held them there till heexpired. As soon as they were convinced he was dead, the princess, putting on every mark of despair and concern, issued to the divan, where she was immediately proclaimed empress. The emperor, it was givenout, had died of an hermorrhoidal cholic, but to shew her regard for hismemory, her imperial majesty declared she would strictly adhere to themaxims by which he had governed. Accordingly she espoused a new husbandevery night, but dispensed with their telling her stories, and wasgraciously pleased also, upon their good behaviour, to remit thesubsequent execution. She sent presents to all the learned men in Asia;and they in return did not fail to cry her up as a pattern of clemency, wisdom, and virtue: and though the panegyrics of the learned aregenerally as clumsy as they are fulsome, they ventured to allure herthat their writings would be as durable as brass, and that the memory ofher glorious reign would reach to the latest posterity. 

TALE II. 

_The King and his three Daughters_. 

There was formerly a king, who had three daughters--that is, he wouldhave had three, if he had had one more, but some how or other the eldestnever was born. She was extremely handsome, had a great deal of wit, andspoke French in perfection, as all the authors of that age affirm, andyet none of them pretend that she ever existed. It is very certain thatthe two other princesses were far from beauties; the second had a strongYorkshire dialect, and the youngest had bad teeth and but one leg, whichoccasioned her dancing very ill. 

As it was not probable that his majesty would have any more children, being eighty-seven years, two months, and thirteen days old when hisqueen died, the states of the kingdom were very anxious to have theprincesses married. But there was one great obstacle to this settlement, though so important to the peace of the kingdom. The king insisted thathis eldest daughter should be married first, and as there was no suchperson, it was very difficult to fix upon a proper husband for her. Thecourtiers all approved his majesty's resolution; but as under the bestprinces there will always be a number of discontented, the nation wastorn into different factions, the grumblers or patriots insisting thatthe second princess was the eldest, and ought to be declared heiressapparent to the crown. Many pamphlets were written pro and con, butthe ministerial party pretended that the chancellor's argument wasunanswerable, who affirmed, that the second princess could not be theeldest, as no princess-royal ever had a Yorkshire accent. A few personswho were attached to the youngest princess, took advantage of this pleafor whispering that _her_ royal highness's pretensions to the crown werethe best of all; for as there was no eldest princess, and as the secondmust be the first, if there was no first, and as she could not be thesecond if she was the first, and as the chancellor had proved that shecould not be the first, it followed plainly by every idea of law thatshe could be nobody at all; and then the consequence followed of course, that the youngest must be the eldest, if she had no elder sister. 

It is inconceivable what animosities and mischiefs arose from thesedifferent titles; and each faction endeavoured to strengthen itselfby foreign alliances. The court party having no real object for theirattachment, were the most attached of all, and made up by warmth forthe want of foundation in their principles. The clergy in general weredevoted to this, which was styled _the first party_. The physiciansembraced the second; and the lawyers declared for the third, or thefaction of the youngest princess, because it seemed best calculated toadmit of doubts and endless litigation. 

While the nation was in this distracted situation, there arrived theprince of Quifferiquimini, who would have been the most accomplishedhero of the age, if he had not been dead, and had spoken any languagebut the Egyptian, and had not had three legs. Notwithstanding theseblemishes, the eyes of the whole nation were immediately turned uponhim, and each party wished to see him married to the princess whosecause they espoused. 

The old king received him with the most distinguished honours; thesenate made the most fulsome addresses to him; the princesses were sotaken with him, that they grew more bitter enemies than ever; and thecourt ladies and petit-maitres invented a thousand new fashions upon hisaccount--every thing was to be à la Quifferiquimini. Both men and womenof fashion left off rouge to look the more cadaverous; their cloathswere embroidered with hieroglyphics, and all the ugly characters theycould gather from Egyptian antiquities, with which they were forced tobe contented, it being impossible to learn a language that is lost; andall tables, chairs, stools, cabinets and couches, were made with onlythree legs; the last, howver, soon went out of fashion, as being veryinconvenient. 

The prince, who, ever since his death, had had but a weaklyconstitution, was a little fatigued with this excess of attentions, and would often wish himself at home in his coffin. But his greatestdifficulty of all was to get rid of the youngest princess, who kepthopping after him wherever he went, and was so full of admirationof his three legs, and so modest about having but one herself, and soinquisitive to know how his three legs were set on, that being the bestnatured man in the world, it went to his heart whenever in a fit ofpeevishness he happened to drop an impatient word, which never failed tothrow her into an agony of tears, and then she looked so ugly that itwas impossible for him to be tolerably civil to her. He was not muchmore inclined to the second princess--In truth, it was the eldest whomade the conquest of his affections: and so violently did his passionencrease one Tuesday morning, that breaking through all prudentialconsiderations (for there were many reasons which ought to havedetermined his choice in favour of either of the other sisters) hehurried to the old king, acquainted him with his love, and demanded theeldest princess in marriage. Nothing could equal the joy of the good oldmonarch, who wished for nothing but to live to see the consummation ofthis match. Throwing his arms about the prince-skeleton's neck andwatering his hollow cheeks with warm tears, he granted his request, andadded, that he would immediately resign his crown to him and hisfavourite daughter. 

I am forced for want of room to pass over many circumstances that wouldadd greatly to the beauty of this history, and am sorry I must dash thereader's impatience by acquainting him, that notwithstanding theeagerness of the old king and youthful ardour of the prince, thenuptials were obliged to be postponed; the archbishop declaring that itwas essentially necessary to have a dispensation from the pope, theparties being related within the forbidden degrees; a woman that neverwas, and a man that had been, being deemed first cousins in the eye ofthe canon law. 

Hence arose a new difficulty. The religion of the Quifferiquiminians wastotally opposite to that of the papists. The former believed in nothingbut grace; and they had a high-priest of their own, who pretended thathe was master of the whole fee-simple of grace, and by that possessioncould cause every thing to have been that never had been, and couldprevent every thing that had been from ever having been. "We havenothing to do, said the prince to the king, but to send a solemn embassyto the high-priest of grace, with a present of a hundred thousandmillion of ingots, and he will cause your charming no-daughter to havebeen, and will prevent my having died, and then there will be nooccasion for a dispensation from your old fool at Rome. "--How! thouimpious, atheistical bag of drybones, cried the old king; dost thouprofane our holy religion? Thou shalt have no daughter of mine, thouthree-legged skeleton--Go and be buried and be damned, as thou must be;for as thou art dead, thou art past repentance: I would sooner give mychild to a baboon, who has one leg more than thou hast, than bestow heron such a reprobate corpse--You had better give your one-legged infantato the baboon, said the prince, they are fitter for one another--As mucha corpse as I am, I am preferable to nobody; and who the devil wouldhave married your no-daughter, but a dead body! For my religion, I livedand died in it, and it is not in my power to change it now if Iwould--but for your part--a great shout interrupted this dialogue, andthe captain of the guard rushing into the royal closet, acquainted hismajesty, that the second princess, in revenge of the prince's neglect, had given her hand to a drysalter, who was a common-council-man, andthat the city, in consideration of the match, had proclaimed them kingand queen, allowing his majesty to retain the title for his life, whichthey had fixed for the term of six months; and ordering, in respect ofhis royal birth, that the prince should immediately lie in state andhave a pompous funeral. 

This revolution was so sudden and so universal, that all partiesapproved, or were forced to seem to approve it. The old king died thenext day, as the courtiers said, for joy; the prince of Quifferiquiminiwas buried in spite of his appeal to the law of nations; and theyoungest princess went distracted, and was shut up in a madhouse, calling out day and night for a husband with three legs. 

TALE III. 

_The Dice-Box. A Fairy Tale. _

_Translated from the French Translation of the Countess DAUNOIS, for theEntertainment of Miss CAROLINE CAMPBELL. _ [_Eldest daughter of lordWilliam Campbell; she lived with her aunt the countess of Ailesbury. _]

There was a merchant of Damascus named Aboulcasem, who had an onlydaughter called Pissimissi, which signifies _the waters of Jordan_;because a fairy foretold at her birth that she would be one of Solomon'sconcubines. Azaziel, the angel of death, having transported Aboulcasemto the regions of bliss, he had no fortune to bequeath to his belovedchild but the shell of a pistachia-nut drawn by an elephant and aladybird. Pissimissi, who was but nine years old, and who had been beenkept in great confinement, was impatient to see the world; and no soonerwas the breath out of her father's body, than she got into the car, andwhipping her elephant and ladybird, drove out of the yard as fast aspossible, without knowing whither she was going. Her coursers neverstopped till they came to the foot of a brazen tower, that had neitherdoors nor windows, in which lived an old enchantress, who had lockedherself up there with seventeen thousand husbands. It had but one singlevent for air, which was a small chimney grated over, through which itwas scarce possible to put one's hand. Pissimissi, who was veryimpatient, ordered her coursers to fly with her up to the top of thechimney, which, as they were the most docile creatures in the world, they immediately did; but unluckily the fore paw of the elephantlighting on the top of the chimney, broke down the grate by its weight, but at the same time stopped up the passage so entirely, that all theenchantress's husbands were stifled for want of air. As it was acollection she had made with great care and cost, it is easy to imagineher vexation and rage. She raised a storm of thunder and lightning thatlasted eight hundred and four years; and having conjured up an army oftwo thousand devils, she ordered them to flay the elephant alive, anddress it for her supper with anchovy sauce. Nothing could have saved thepoor beast, if, struggling to get loose from the chimney, he had nothappily broken wind, which it seems is a great preservative againstdevils. They all flew a thousand ways, and in their hurry carried awayhalf the brazen tower, by which means the elephant, the car, theladybird, and Pissimissi got loose; but in their fall tumbled throughthe roof of an apothecary's shop, and broke all his bottles of physic. The elephant, who was very dry with his fatigue, and who had not muchtaste, immediately sucked up all the medicines with his proboscis, whichoccasioned such a variety of effects in his bowels, that it was wellhe had such a strong constitution, or he must have died of it. Hisevacuations were so plentiful, that he not only drowned the tower ofBabel, near which the apothecary's shop stood, but the current ranfourscore leagues till it came to the sea, and there poisoned so manywhales and leviathans, that a pestilence ensued, and lasted three years, nine months and sixteen days. As the elephant was extremely weakened bywhat had happened, it was impossible for him to draw the car foreighteen months, which was a cruel delay to Pissimissi's impatience, who during all that time could not travel above a hundred miles a day, for as she carried the sick animal in her lap, the poor ladybird couldnot make longer stages with no assistance. Besides, Pissimissi boughtevery thing she saw wherever she came; and all was crouded into the carand stuffed into the seat. She had purchased ninety-two dolls, seventeenbaby-houses, six cart-loads of sugar-plumbs, a thousand ells ofgingerbread, eight dancing dogs, a bear and a monkey, four toy-shopswith all their contents, and seven dozen of bibs and aprons of thenewest fashion. They were jogging on with all this cargo over mountCaucasus, when an immense humming-bird, who had been struck with thebeauty of the ladybird's wings, that I had forgot to say were of rubyspotted with black pearls, sousing down at once upon her prey, swallowedladybird, Pissimissi, the elephant, and all their commodities. Ithappened that the humming-bird belonged to Solomon; he let it out of itscage every morning after breakfast, and it constantly came home by thetime the council broke up. Nothing could equal the surprise of hismajesty and the courtiers, when the dear little creature arrived withthe elephant's proboscis hanging out of its divine little bill. However, after the first astonishment was over, his majesty, who to besure was wisdom itself, and who understood natural philosophy that itwas a charm to hear him discourse of those matters, and who was actuallymaking a collection of dried beasts and birds in twelve thousand volumesof the best fool's-cap paper, immediately perceived what had happened, and taking out of the side-pocket of his breeches a diamondtoothpick-case of his own turning, with the toothpick made of the onlyunicorn's horn he ever saw, he stuck it into the elephant's snout, andbegan to draw it out: but all his philosophy was confounded, when jammedbetween the elephant's legs he perceived the head of a beautiful girl, and between her legs a baby-house, which with the wings extended thirtyfeet, out of the windows of which rained a torrent of sugar-plumbs, thathad been placed there to make room. Then followed the bear, who had beenpressed to the bales of gingerbread and was covered all over with it, and looked but uncouthly; and the monkey with a doll in every paw, andhis pouches so crammed with sugar-plumbs that they hung on each side ofhim, and trailed on the ground behind like the duchess of ----'sbeautiful breasts. Solomon, however, gave small attention to thisprocession, being caught with the charms of the lovely Pissimissi: heimmediately began the song of songs extempore; and what he had seen--Imean, all that came out of the humming-bird's throat had made such ajumble in his ideas, that there was nothing so unlike to which he didnot compare all Pissimissi's beauties. As he sung his canticles tooto no tune, and god knows had but a bad voice, they were far fromcomforting Pissimissi: the elephant had torn her best bib and apron, andshe cried and roared, and kept such a squalling, that though Solomoncarried her in his arms, and showed her all the fine things in thetemple, there was no pacifying her. The queen of Sheba, who was playingat backgammon with the high-priest, and who came every October toconverse with Solomon, though she did not understand a word of Hebrew, hearing the noise, came running out of her dressing-room; and seeing theking with a squalling child in his arms, asked him peevishly, if itbecame his reputed wisdom to expose himself with his bastards to all thecourt? Solomon, instead of replying, kept singing, "We have a littlesister, and she has no breasts;" which so provoked the Sheban princess, that happening to have one of the dice-boxes in her hand, she withoutany ceremony threw it at his head. The enchantress, whom I mentionedbefore, and who, though invisible, had followed Pissimissi, and drawnher into her train of misfortunes, turned the dice-box aside, anddirected it to Pissimissi's nose, which being something flat, likemadame de ----'s, it stuck there, and being of ivory, Solomon ever aftercompared his beloved's nose to the tower that leads to Damascus. Thequeen, though ashamed of her behaviour, was not in her heart sorry forthe accident; but when she found that it only encreased the monarch'spassion, her contempt redoubled; and calling him a thousand old fools toherself, she ordered her post-chaise and drove away in a fury, withoutleaving sixpence for the servants; and nobody knows what became of heror her kingdom, which has never been heard of since. 

TALE IV. 

_The Peach in Brandy. A Milesian Tale. _

Fitz Scanlan Mac Giolla l'ha druig, [1] king of Kilkenny, the thousandand fifty-seventh descendant in a direct line from Milesius king ofSpain, had an only daughter called Great A, and by corruption Grata; whobeing arrived at years of discretion, and perfectly initiated by herroyal parents in the arts of government, the fond monarch determined toresign his crown to her: having accordingly assembled the senate, hedeclared his resolution to them, and having delivered his sceptre intothe princess's hand, he obliged her to ascend the throne; and to set theexample, was the first to kiss her hand, and vow eternal obedience toher. The senators were ready to stifle the new queen with panegyrics andaddresses; the people, though they adored the old king, were transportedwith having a new sovereign, and the university, according to customimmemorial, presented her majesty, three months after every body hadforgotten the event, with testimonials of the excessive sorrow andexcessive joy they felt on losing one monarch and getting another. 

Her majesty was now in the fifth year of her age, and a prodigy of senseand goodness. In her first speech to the senate, which she lisped withinimitable grace, she assured them that her [2] heart was entirelyIrish, and that she did not intend any longer to go in leading-strings, as a proof of which she immediately declared her nurse prime-minister. The senate applauded this sage choice with even greater encomiumsthan the last, and voted a free gift to the queen of a million ofsugar-plumbs, and to the favourite of twenty thousand bottles ofusquebaugh. Her majesty then jumping from her throne, declared it washer royal pleasure to play at blindman's-buff, but such a hub-bub arosefrom the senators pushing, and pressing, and squeezing, and punching oneanother, to endeavour to be the first blinded, that in the scuffle hermajesty was thrown down and got a bump on her forehead as big as apigeon's egg, which set her a squalling, that you might have heard herto Tipperary. The old king flew into a rage, and snatching up the maceknocked out the chancellor's brains, who at that time happened not tohave any; and the queen-mother, who sat in a tribune above to see theceremony, fell into a fit and [3] miscarried of twins, who were killedby her majesty's fright; but the earl of Bullaboo, great butler of thecrown, happening to stand next to the queen, catched up one of the deadchildren, and perceiving it was a boy, ran down to the [4] king andwished him joy of the birth of a son and heir. The king, who had nowrecovered his sweet temper, called him a fool and blunderer, upon whichMr. Phelim O'Torture, a zealous courtier, started up with great presenceof mind and accused the earl of Bullaboo of high treason, for havingasserted that his late majesty had had any other heir than their presentmost lawful and most religious sovereign queen Grata. An impeachmentwas voted by a large majority, though not without warm opposition, particularly from a celebrated Kilkennian orator, whose name isunfortunately not come down to us, it being erased out of the journalsafterwards, as the Irish author whom I copy says, when he became firstlord of the treasury, as he was during the whole reign of queen Grata'ssuccessor. The argument of this Mr. Killmorackill, says my author, whosename is lost, was, that her majesty the queen-mother having conceived ason before the king's resignation, that son was indubitably heir to thecrown, and consequently the resignation void, it not signifying an iotawhether the child was born alive or dead: it was alive, said he, whenit was conceived--here he was called to order by Dr. O'Flaharty, thequeen-mother's man-midwife and member for the borough of Corbelly, whoentered into a learned dissertation on embrios; but he was interruptedby the young queen's crying for her supper, the previous question forwhich was carried without a negative; and then the house being resumed, the debate was cut short by the impatience of the majority to go anddrink her majesty's health. This seeming violence gave occasion to avery long protest, drawn up by sir Archee Mac Sarcasm, in which hecontrived to state the claim of the departed foetus so artfully, thatit produced a civil war, and gave rise to those bloody ravages andmassacres which so long laid waste the ancient kingdom of Kilkenny, andwhich were at last terminated by a lucky accident, well known, says myauthor, to every body, but which he thinks it his duty to relate for thesake of those who never may have heard it. These are his words:

 It happened that the archbishop of Tuum (anciently called Meum by the Roman catholic clergy) the great wit of those times, was in the queen-mother's closet, who had the young queen in her lap. [5] His grace was suddenly seized with a violent fit of the cholic, which made him make such wry faces, that the queen-mother thought he was going to die, and ran out of the room to send for a physician, for she was a pattern of goodness, and void of pride. While she was stepped into the servant's hall to call somebody, according to the simplicity of those times, the archbishop's pains encreased, when perceiving something on the mantle-piece, which he took for a peach in brandy, he gulped it all down at once without saying grace, God forgive him, and found great comfort from it. He had not done licking his lips before the queen-mother returned, when queen Grata cried out, "Mama, mama, the gentleman has eat my little brother!" This fortunate event put an end to the contest, the male line entirely failing in the person of the devoured prince. The archbishop, however, who became pope by the name of Innocent the 3d. Having afterwards a son by his sister, named the child Fitzpatrick, as having some of the royal blood in its veins; and from him are descended all the younger branches of the Fitzpatricks of our time. Now the rest of the acts of Grata and all that she did, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Kilkenny?

NOTES ON TALE IV. 

_This tale was written for Anne Liddel countess of Offory, wife of JohnFitzpatrick earl of Offory. They had a daughter Anne, the subject ofthis story. _

[Footnote 1: _Vide Lodge's Peerage of Ireland, in the family ofFitzpatrick. _]

[Footnote 2: _Queen Anne in her first speech to the parliament said, herheart was entirely English. _]

[Footnote 3: _Lady Offory had miscarried just then of two sons. _]

[Footnote 4: _The housekeeper, as soon as lord Offory came home, wishedhim joy of a son and heir, though both the children were born dead. _]

[Footnote 5: _Some commentators have ignorantly supposed that the Irishauthor is guilty of a great anachronism in this passage; for having saidthat the contested succession occasioned long wars, he yet speaks ofqueen Grata at the conclusion of them, as still sitting in her mother'slap as a child. Now I can confute them from their own state of thequestion_. Like a child _does not import that she actually was a child:she only sat_ like a child; _and so she might though thirty years old. Civilians have declared at what period of his life a king may be of agebefore he is: but neither Grotius nor Puffendorffe, nor any of thetribe, have determined how long a king or queen may remain infants afterthey are past their infancy. _]

TALE V. 

Mi Li. _A Chinese Fairy Tale_. 

Mi Li, prince of China, was brought up by his godmother the fairy Hih, who was famous for telling fortunes with a tea-cup. From that unerringoracle she assured him, that he would be the most unhappy man aliveunless he married a princess whose name was the same with her father'sdominions. As in all probability there could not be above one person inthe world to whom that accident had happened, the prince thought therewould be nothing so easy as to learn who his destined bride was. He hadbeen too well educated to put the question to his godmother, for he knewwhen she uttered an oracle, that it was with intention to perplex, notto inform; which has made people so fond of consulting all those who donot give an explicit answer, such as prophets, lawyers, and any body youmeet on the road, who, if you ask the way, reply by desiring to knowwhence you came. Mi Li was no sooner returned to his palace than he sentfor his governor, who was deaf and dumb, qualities for which the fairyhad selected him, that he might not instil any bad principles into hispupil; however, in recompence, he could talk upon his fingers like anangel. Mi Li asked him directly who the princess was whose name was thesame with her father's kingdom? This was a little exaggeration in theprince, but nobody ever repeats any thing just as they heard it:besides, it was excusable in the heir of a great monarchy, who of allthings had not been taught to speak truth, and perhaps had never heardwhat it was. Still it was not the mistake of _kingdom_ for _dominions_that puzzled the governor. It never helped him to understand any thingthe better for its being rightly stated. However, as he had greatpresence of mind, which consisted in never giving a direct answer, andin looking as if he could, he replied, it was a question of too greatimportance to be resolved on a sudden. How came you to know that? Saidthe prince--This youthful impetuosity told the governor that there wassomething more in the question than he had apprehended; and though hecould be very solemn about nothing, he was ten times more so when therewas something he did not comprehend. Yet that unknown somethingoccasioning a conflict between his cunning and his ignorance, and thelatter being the greater, always betrayed itself, for nothing looks sosilly as a fool acting wisdom. The prince repeated his question; thegovernor demanded why he asked--the prince had not patience to spell thequestion over again on his fingers, but bawled it as loud as he could tono purpose. The courtiers ran in, and catching up the prince's words, and repeating them imperfectly, it soon flew all over Pekin, and thenceinto the provinces, and thence into Tartary, and thence to Muscovy, andso on, that the prince wanted to know who the princess was, whose namewas the same as her father's. As the Chinese have not the blessing (foraught I know) of having family surnames as we have, and as what would betheir christian-names, if they were so happy as to be christians, arequite different for men and women, the Chinese, who think that must be arule all over the world because it is theirs, decided that there couldnot exist upon the square face of the earth a woman whose name was thesame as her father's. They repeated this so often, and with so muchdeference and so much obstinacy, that the prince, totally forgetting theoriginal oracle, believed that he wanted to know who the woman was whohad the same name as her father. However, remembring there was somethingin the question that he had taken for royal, he always said _the kingher father_. The prime minister consulted the red book or court-calendar, which was _his_ oracle, and could find no such princess. All theministers at foreign courts were instructed to inform themselves ifthere was any such lady; but as it took up a great deal of time to putthese instructions into cypher, the prince's impatience could not waitfor the couriers setting out, but he determined to go himself in searchof the princess. The old king, who, _as is usual_, had left the wholemanagement of affairs to his son the moment he was fourteen, was charmedwith the prince's resolution of seeing the world, which he thought couldbe done in a few days, the facility of which makes so many monarchsnever stir out of their own palaces till it is too late; and his majestydeclared, that he should approve of his son's choice, be the lady whoshe would, provided she answered to the divine designation of having thesame name as her father. 

The prince rode post to Canton, intending to embark there on board anEnglish man of war. With what infinite transport did he hear the eveningbefore he was to embark, that a sailor knew the identic lady inquestion. The prince scalded his mouth with the tea he was drinking, broke the old china cup it was in, and which the queen his mother hadgiven him at his departure from Pekin, and which had been given to hergreat great great great grandmother queen Fi by Confucius himself, andran down to the vessel and asked for the man who knew his bride. It washonest Tom O'Bull, an Irish sailor, who by his interpreter Mr. JamesHall, the supercargo, informed his highness that Mr. Bob Oliver of Sligohad a daughter christened of both his names, the fair miss Bob Oliver. [1]The prince by the plenitude of his power declared Tom a mandarin of thefirst class, and at Tom's desire promised to speak to his brother theking of Great Ireland, France and Britain, to have him made a peer inhis own country, Tom saying he should be ashamed to appear there withoutbeing a lord as well as all his acquaintance. 

The prince's passion, which was greatly inflamed by Tom's description ofher highness Bob's charms, would not let him stay for a proper set ofladies from Pekin to carry to wait on his bride, so he took a dozen ofthe wives of the first merchants in Canton, and two dozen virgins asmaids of honour, who however were disqualified for their employmentsbefore his highness got to St. Helena. Tom himself married one of them, but was so great a favourite with the prince, that she still wasappointed maid of honour, and with Tom's consent was afterwards marriedto an English duke. 

Nothing can paint the agonies of our royal lover, when on his landing atDublin he was informed that princess Bob had quitted Ireland, and wasmarried to nobody knew whom. It was well for Tom that he was on Irishground. He would have been chopped as small as rice, for it is death inChina to mislead the heir of the crown through ignorance. To do itknowingly is no crime, any more than in other countries. 

As a prince of China cannot marry a woman that has been married before, it was necessary for Mi Li to search the world for another lady equallyqualified with miss Bob, whom he forgot the moment he was told he mustmarry somebody else, and fell equally in love with somebody else, thoughbe knew not with whom. In this suspence he dreamt, "_that he would findhis destined spouse, whose father had lost the dominions which never hadbeen his dominions, in a place where there was a bridge over no water, atomb where nobody ever was buried nor ever would be buried, ruins thatwere more than they had ever been, a subterraneous passage in whichthere were dogs with eyes of rubies and emeralds, and a more beautifulmenagerie of Chinese pheasants than any in his father's extensivegardens_. " This oracle seemed so impossible to be accomplished, that hebelieved it more than he had done the first, which shewed his greatpiety. He determined to begin his second search, and being told by thelord lieutenant that there was in England a Mr. Banks, [2] who was goingall over the world in search of he did not know what, his highnessthought he could not have a better conductor, and sailed for England. There he learnt that the sage Banks was at Oxford, hunting in theBodleian library for a MS. Voyage of a man who had been in the moon, which Mr. Banks thought must have been in the western ocean, where themoon sets, and which planet if he could discover once more, he wouldtake possession of in his majesty's name, upon condition that it shouldnever be taxed, and so be lost again to this country like the rest ofhis majesty's dominions in that part of the world. 

Mi Li took a hired post-chaise for Oxford, but as it was a little rottenit broke on the new road down to Henley. A beggar advised him to walkinto general Conway's, who was the most courteous person alive, andwould certainly lend him his own chaise. The prince travelled incog. Hetook the beggar's advice, but going up to the house was told the familywere in the grounds, but he should be conducted to them. He was ledthrough a venerable wood of beeches, to a menagerie[3] commanding a moreglorious prospect than any in his father's dominions, and full ofChinese pheasants. The prince cried out in extasy, Oh! potent Hih! mydream begins to be accomplished. The gardiner, who knew no Chinese butthe names of a few plants, was struck with the similitude of the sounds, but discreetly said not a word. Not finding his lady there, as heexpected, he turned back, and plunging suddenly into the thickest gloomof the wood, he descended into a cavern totally dark, the intrepidprince following him boldly. After advancing a great way into thissubterraneous vault, at last they perceived light, when on a sudden theywere pursued by several small spaniels, and turning to look at them, theprince perceived their eyes[4] shone like emeralds and rubies. Insteadof being amazed, as Fo-Hi, the founder of his race, would have been, theprince renewed his exclamations, and cried, I advance! I advance! Ishall find my bride! great Hih! thou art infallible! Emerging intolight, the imperturbed[5] gardiner conducted his highness to a heap ofartificial[6] ruins, beneath which they found a spacious gallery orarcade, where his highness was asked if he would not repose himself; butinstead of answering he capered like one frantic, crying out, I advance!I advance! great Hih! I advance!--The gardiner was amazed, and doubtedwhether he was not conducting a madman to his master and lady, andhesitated whether he should proceed--but as he understood nothing theprince said, and perceiving he must be a foreigner, he concluded he wasa Frenchman by his dancing. As the stranger too was so nimble and not atall tired with his walk, the sage gardiner proceeded down a slopingvalley, between two mountains cloathed to their summits with cedars, firs, and pines, which he took care to tell the prince were all of hishonour the general's own planting: but though the prince had learnt moreEnglish in three days in Ireland, than all the French in the world everlearnt in three years, he took no notice of the information, to thegreat offence of the gardiner, but kept running on, and increased hisgambols and exclamations when he perceived the vale was terminated by astupendous bridge, that seemed composed of the rocks which the giantsthrew at Jupiter's head, and had not a drop of water beneath[7]it--Where is my bride, my bride? cried Mi Li--I must be near her. Theprince's shouts and cries drew a matron from a cottage that stood on aprecipice near the bridge, and hung over the river--My lady is down atFord-house, cried the good[8] woman, who was a little deaf, concludingthey had called to her to know. The gardiner knew it was in vain toexplain his distress to her, and thought that if the poor gentleman wasreally mad, his master the general would be the properest person to knowhow to manage him. Accordingly turning to the left, he led the princealong the banks of the river, which glittered through the openingfallows, while on the other hand a wilderness of shrubs climbed up thependent cliffs of chalk, and contrasted with the verdant meads andfields of corn beyond the stream. The prince, insensible to suchenchanting scenes, galloped wildly along, keeping the poor gardiner on around trot, till they were stopped by a lonely[9] tomb, surrounded bycypress, yews, and willows, that seemed the monument of some adventurousyouth who had been lost in tempting the current, and might have suitedthe gallant and daring Leander. Here Mi Li first had presence of mind torecollect the little English he knew, and eagerly asked the gardinerwhose tomb he beheld before him. It is nobody's--before he couldproceed, the prince interrupted him, And will it never be anybody's?--Oh! thought the gardiner, now there is no longer any doubt ofhis phrenzy--and perceiving his master and the family approachingtowards them, he endeavoured to get the start, but the prince, muchyounger, and borne too on the wings of love, set out full speed themoment he saw the company, and particularly a young damsel with them. Running almost breathless up to lady Ailesbury, and seizing missCampbell's hand--he cried, _Who she? who she_? Lady Ailesbury screamed, the young maiden squalled, the general, cool but offended, rushedbetween them, and if a prince could be collared, would have collaredhim--Mi Li kept fast hold with one arm, but pointing to his prize withthe other, and with the most eager and supplicating looks intreating foran answer, continued to exclaim, _Who she? who she_? The generalperceiving by his accent and manner that he was a foreigner, and rathertempted to laugh than be angry, replied with civil scorn, Why _she_ ismiss Caroline Campbell, daughter of lord William Campbell, his majesty'slate governor of Carolina--Oh, Hih! I now recollect thy words! cried MiLi--And so she became princess of China. 

NOTES ON TALE V. 

[Footnote 1: _There really was such a person. _. ]

[Footnote 2: _The gentleman who discovered Otaheite, in company with Dr. Solander. _]

[Footnote 3: _Lady Ailesbury's. _]

[Footnote 4: _At Park-place there is such a passage cut through achalk-hill: when dogs are in the middle, the light from the mouth makestheir eyes appear in the manner here described. _]

[Footnote 5: _Copeland, the gardiner, a very grave person. _]

[Footnote 6: _Consequently they seem to have been larger. _]

[Footnote 7: _The rustic bridge at Park-place was built by generalConway, to carry the road from Henley, and to leave the communicationfree between his grounds on each side of the road. Vide last page of4th. Vol. Of Anecdotes of Painting. _]

[Footnote 8: _The old woman who kept the cottage built by general Conwayto command a glorious prospect. Ford-house is a farm house at thetermination of the grounds. _]

[Footnote 9: _A fictitious tomb in a beautiful spot by the river, builtfor a point of view: it has a small pyramid on it. _]

TALE VI. 

_A true Love Story_. 

In the height of the animosities between the factions of the Guelfs andGhibellines, a party of Venetians had made an inroad into theterritories of the Viscontis, sovereigns of Milan, and had carried offthe young Orondates, then at nurse. His family were at that time under acloud, though they could boast of being descended from Canis Scaliger, lord of Verona. The captors sold the beautiful Orondates to a rich widowof the noble family of Grimaldi, who having no children, brought him upwith as much tenderness as if he had been her son. Her fondnessincreased with the growth of his stature and charms, and the violence ofhis passions were augmented by the signora Grimaldi's indulgence. Is itnecessary to say that love reigned predominantly in the soul ofOrondates? Or that in a city like Venice a form like that of Orondatesmet with little resistance?

The Cyprian queen, not content with the numerous oblations of Orondateson her altars, was not satisfied while his heart remained unengaged. Across the canal, overagainst the palace of Grimaldi, stood a convent ofCarmelite nuns, the abbess of which had a young African slave of themost exquisite beauty, called Azora, a year younger than Orondates. Jetand japan were tawny and without lustre, when compared to the hue ofAzora. Afric never produced a female so perfect as Azora; as Europecould boast but of one Orondates. 

The signora Grimaldi, though no bigot, was pretty regular at herdevotions, but as lansquenet was more to her taste than praying, shehurried over her masses as fast as she could, to allot more of herprecious time to cards. This made her prefer the church of theCarmelites, separated only by a small bridge, though the abbess was of acontrary faction. However, as both ladies were of equal quality, and hadhad no altercations that could countenance incivility, reciprocalcurtsies always passed between them, the coldness of which eachpretended to lay on their attention to their devotions, though thesignora Grimaldi attended but little to the priest, and the abbess waschiefly employed in watching and criticising the inattention of thesignora. 

Not so Orondates and Azora. Both constantly accompanied their mistressesto mass, and the first moment they saw each other was decisive in bothbreasts. Venice ceased to have more than one fair in the eyes ofOrondates, and Azora had not remarked till then that there could be morebeautiful beings in the world than some of the Carmelite nuns. 

The seclusion of the abbess, and the aversion between the two ladies, which was very cordial on the side of the holy one, cut off all hopesfrom the lovers. Azora grew grave and pensive and melancholy; Orondatessurly and intractable. Even his attachment to his kind patronessrelaxed. He attended her reluctantly but at the hours of prayer. Oftendid she find him on the steps of the church ere the doors were opened. The signora Grimaldi was not apt to make observations. She was contentwith indulging her own passions, seldom restrained those of others; andthough good offices rarely presented themselves to her imagination, shewas ready to exert them when applied to, and always talked charitably ofthe unhappy at her cards, if it was not a very unlucky deal. 

Still it is probable that she never would have discovered the passion ofOrondates, had not her woman, who was jealous of his favour, given her ahint; at the same time remarking, under affectation of good will, howwell the circumstances of the lovers were suited, and that as herladyship was in years, and would certainly not think of providing for acreature she had bought in the public market, it would be charitable tomarry the fond couple, and settle them on her farm in the country. 

Fortunately madame Grimaldi always was open to good impressions, andrarely to bad. Without perceiving the malice of her woman, she wasstruck with the idea of a marriage. She loved the cause, and alwayspromoted it when it was honestly in her power. She seldom madedifficulties, and never apprehended them. Without even examiningOrondates on the state of his inclinations, without recollecting thatmadame Capello and she were of different parties, without taking anyprecautions to guard against a refusal, she instantly wrote to theabbess to propose a marriage between Orondates and Azora. 

The latter was in madame Capello's chamber when the note arrived. Allthe fury that authority loves to console itself with for being underrestraint, all the asperity of a bigot, all the acrimony of party, andall the fictitious rage that prudery adopts when the sensual enjoymentsof others are concerned, burst out on the helpless Azora, who was unableto divine how she was concerned in the fatal letter. She was made toendure all the calumnies that the abbess would have been glad to havehurled at the head of madame Grimaldi, if her own character and the rankof that offender would have allowed it. Impotent menaces of revenge wererepeated with emphasis, and as nobody in the convent dared to contradicther, she gratified her anger and love of prating with endlesstautologies. In fine, Azora was strictly locked up and bread and waterwere ordered as sovereign cures for love. Twenty replies to madameGrimaldi were written and torn, as not sufficiently expressive of aresentment that was rather vociferous than eloquent, and her confessorwas at last forced to write one, in which he prevailed to have some holycant inserted, though forced to compound for a heap of irony thatrelated to the antiquity of her family, and for many unintelligibleallusions to vulgar stories which the Ghibelline party had treasured upagainst the Guelfs. The most lucid part of the epistle pronounced asentence of eternal chastity on Azora, not without some sarcasticexpressions against the promiscuous amours of Orondates, which ought incommon decorum to have banished him long ago from the mansion of awidowed matron. 

Just as this fulminatory mandate had been transcribed and signed by thelady abbess in full chapter, and had been consigned to the confessor todeliver, the portress of the convent came running out of breath, andannounced to the venerable assembly, that Azora, terrified by theabbess's blows and threats, had fallen in labour and miscarried of fourpuppies: for be it known to all posterity, that Orondates was an Italiangreyhound, and Azora a black spaniel. 

POSTSCRIPT. 

The foregoing Tales are given for no more than they are worth: they aremere whimsical trifles, written chiefly for private entertainment, andfor private amusement half a dozen copies only are printed. They deserveat most to be considered as an attempt to vary the stale and beatenclass of stories and novels, which, though works of invention, arealmost always devoid of imagination. It would scarcely be credited, wereit not evident from the Bibliotheque des Romans, which contains thefictitious adventures that have been written in all ages and allcountries, that there should have been so little fancy, so littlevariety, and so little novelty, in writings in which the imagination isfettered by no rules, and by no obligation of speaking truth. There isinfinitely more invention in history, which has no merit if devoid oftruth, than in romances and novelty which pretend to none. 

FINIS.