HALF-HOURS

WITH

GREAT STORY TELLERS. 

_ARTEMUS WARD, GEORGE MACDONALD, MAX ADELER, SAMUEL LOVER, AND OTHERS. _

1891

CONTENTS. 

GREY DOLPHIN _Richard Harris Barham_

MOSES, THE SASSY _Artemus Ward_

MR. COLUMBUS CORIANDER'S GORILLA

THE FATE OF YOUNG CHUBB _Max Adeler_

BOOTS AT THE HOLLY-TREE INN _Charles Dickens_

THE ENTHUSIAST IN ANATOMY _John Oxenford_

"THE LIGHT PRINCESS" _George Macdonald_

LEGEND OF THE LITTLE WEAVER _Samuel Lover_

GREY DOLPHIN. 

"He won't--won't he? Then bring me my boots, " said the Baron. 

Consternation was at its height in the castle of Shurland--a catiff haddared to disobey the Baron; and--the Baron had called for his boots!

A thunderbolt in the great hall had been a _bagatelle_ to it. 

A few days before, a notable miracle had been wrought in theneighborhood; and in those times miracles were not so common as theyare now; no royal balloons, no steam, no railroads, --while the fewsaints who took the trouble to walk with their heads under their arms, or to pull the Devil by the nose, scarcely appeared above once in acentury:--so the affair made the greatest sensation. 

The clock had done striking twelve, and the Clerk of Chatham wasuntrussing his points preparatory to seeking his truckle-bed; a half-emptied tankard of mild ale stood at his elbow, the roasted crab yetfloating on its surface. Midnight had surprised the worthy functionarywhile occupied in discussing it, and with his task yet unaccomplished. He meditated a mighty draft: one hand was fumbling with his tags, whilethe other was extended in the act of grasping the jorum, when a knockon the portal, solemn and sonorous, arrested his fingers. It wasrepeated thrice ere Emmanuel Saddleton had presence of mind sufficientto inquire who sought admittance at that untimeous hour. 

"Open! open! good Clerk of St. Bridget's, " said a female voice, smallyet distinct and sweet, --an excellent thing in woman. 

The Clerk arose, crossed to the doorway, and undid the latchet. 

On the threshold stood a lady of surpassing beauty: her robes wererich, and large, and full; and a diadem, sparkling with gems that sheda halo around, crowned her brow: she beckoned the Clerk as he stood inastonishment before her. 

"Emmanuel!" said the lady; and her tones sounded like those of a silverflute. "Emmanuel Saddleton, truss up your points, and follow me!"

The worthy Clerk stated aghast at the vision; the purple robe, thecymar, the coronet, --above all, the smile; no, there was no mistakingher; it was the blessed St. Bridget herself!

And what could have brought the sainted lady out of her warm shrine atsuch a time of night? and on such a night? for it was dark as pitch, and metaphorically speaking, 'rained cats and dogs. '

Emmanuel could not speak, so he looked the question. 

"No matter for that, " said the saint, answering to his thought. "Nomatter for that, Emmanuel Saddleton; only follow me, and you'll see!"

The Clerk turned a wistful eye at the corner cupboard. 

"Oh! never mind the lantern, Emmanuel; you'll not want it; but you maybring a mattock and a shovel. " As she spoke, the beautiful apparitionheld up her delicate hand. From the tip of each of her long taperfingers issued a lambent flame of such surpassing brilliancy as wouldhave plunged a whole gas company into despair--it was a 'Hand ofGlory, ' [Footnote: One of the uses to which this mystic chandelier wasput, was the protection of secreted treasure. Blow out all the fingersat one puff, and you had the money. ] such a one as tradition tells usyet burns in Rochester Castle every St. Mark's Eve. Many are the daringindividuals who have watched in Gundulph's Tower, hoping to find it, and the treasure it guards; but none of them ever did. 

"This way, Emmanuel!" and a flame of peculiar radiance streamed fromher little finger as it pointed to the pathway leading to thechurchyard. 

Saddleton shouldered his tools and followed in silence. 

The cemetery of St. Bridget's was some half-mile distant from theClerk's domicile, and adjoined a chapel dedicated to that illustriouslady, who, after leading but a so-so life, had died in the odor ofsanctity. Emmanuel Saddleton was fat and scant of breath, the mattockwas heavy, and the Saint walked too fast for him: he paused to takesecond wind at the end of the first furlong. 

"Emmanuel, " said the holy lady, good-humoredly, for she heard himpuffing: "rest awhile Emmanuel, and I'll tell you what I want withyou. "

Her auditor wiped his brow with the back of his hand, and looked allattention and obedience. 

"Emmanuel, " continued she "what did you and Father Fothergill, and therest of you, mean yesterday by burying that drowned man so close to me?He died in mortal sin, Emmanuel; no shrift, no unction, no absolution:why he might as well have been excommunicated. He plagues me with hisgrinning, and I can't have any peace in my shrine. You must howk him upagain, Emmanuel. "

"To be sure, madame, --my lady, --that is, your holiness, " stammeredSaddleton, trembling at the thought of the task assigned him. "To besure, your ladyship; only--that is--"

"Emmanuel, " said the saint, "you'll do my bidding; or it would bebetter you had!" and her eye changed from a dove's eye to that of ahawk, and a flash came from it as bright as the one from her littlefinger. The Clerk shook in his shoes; and, again dashing the coldperspiration from his brow, followed the footsteps of his mysteriousguide. 

The next morning all Chatham was in an uproar. The Clerk of St. Bridget's had found himself at home at daybreak, seated in his ownarmchair, the fire out, --and--the tankard of ale out too! Who had drunkit?--where had he been?--how had he got home?--all was mystery!--heremembered "a mass of things, but nothing distinctly;" all was fog andfantasy. What he could clearly recollect was, that he had dug up theGrinning Sailor, and that the Saint had helped to throw him into theriver again. All was thenceforth wonderment and devotion. Masses weresung, tapers were kindled, bells were tolled; the monks of St. Romualdhad a solemn procession, the abbot at their head, the sacristan attheir tail, and the holy breeches of St. Thomas a Becket in the centre;--Father Fothergill brewed a XXX puncheon of holy water. The Rood ofGillingham was deserted; the chapel of Rainham forsaken; every one whohad a soul to be saved, flocked with his offering to St. Bridget'sshrine, and Emmanual Saddleton gathered more fees from the promiscuouspiety of that one week, than he had pocketed during the twelvepreceding months. 

Meanwhile, the corpse of the ejected reprobate oscillated like apendulum between Sheerness and Gillingham Reach. Now borne by theMedway into the Western Swale, --now carried by the refluent tide backto the vicinity of its old quarters, --it seemed as though the River godand Neptune were amusing themselves with a game of subaqueousbattledore, and had chosen this unfortunate carcass as a marineshuttlecock. For some time the alternation was kept up with greatspirit, till Boreas, interfering in the shape of a stiffish "Nor'-wester, " drifted the bone (and flesh) of contention ashore on theShurland domain, where it lay in all the majesty of mud. It was soondiscovered by the retainers, and dragged from its oozy bed, grinningworse than ever. Tidings of the godsend were of course carriedinstantly to the castle; for the Baron was a very great man; and if adun cow had flown across his property unannounced by the warder, theBaron would have pecked him, the said warder, from the topmostbattlement into the bottommost ditch, --a descent of peril, and onewhich "Ludwig the Leaper, " or the illustrious Trenck himself, mightwell have shrunk from encountering. 

"An't please your lordship--" said Peter Periwinkle. 

"No, villain! it does not please!" roared the Baron. 

His lordship was deeply engaged with a peck of Faversham oysters, --hedoted on shellfish, hated interruption at meals, and had not yetdespatched more than twenty dozen of the "natives. "

"There's a body, my lord, washed ashore in the lower creek, " said theseneschal. 

The Baron was going to throw the shells at his head; but paused in theact, and said with much dignity, "Turn out the fellow's pockets!"

But the defunct had before been subjected to the double scrutiny ofFather Fothergill and the Clerk of St. Bridget's. It was ill gleaningafter such hands; there was not a single maravedi. 

We have already said that Sir Robert de Shurland, Lord of the Isle ofSheppey, and of many a fair manor on the main land, was a man ofworship. He had rights of free-warren, saccage and sockage, cuisage andjambage, fosse and fork, infang theofe and outfang theofe; and allwaifs and strays belonged to him in fee simple. 

"Turn out his pockets!" said the knight. 

"An't please you, my lord, I must say as how they was turned afore, andthe devil a rap's left. "

"Then bury the blackguard!"

"Please your lordship, he had been buried once. "

"Then bury him again, and be--" The Baron bestowed a benediction. 

The seneschal bowed low as he left the room and the Baron went on withhis oysters. 

"Scarcely ten dozen more had vanished, when Periwinkle reappeared. 

"An't please you, my lord, Father Fothergill says as how it's theGrinning Sailor, and he won't bury him anyhow. "

"Oh! he won't--won't he?" said the Baron. Can it be wondered at that hecalled for his boots?

Sir Robert de Shurland, Lord of Shurland and Minster, Baron of Sheppeyin _comitatu_ Kent, was, as has been before hinted, a very greatman. He was also a very little man; that is, he was relatively great, and relatively little--or physically little, and metaphorically great--like Sir Sidney Smith and the late Mr. Buonaparte. To the frame of adwarf, he united the soul of a giant, and the valor of a gamecock. Then, for so small a man, his strength was prodigious; his fist wouldfell an ox, and his kick!--oh! his kick was tremendous, and, when hehad his boots on, would--to use an expression of his own, which he hadpicked up in the holy wars--would "send a man from Jericho to June. " Hewas bull-necked and bandy-legged; his chest was broad and deep, hishead large and uncommonly thick, his eyes a little bloodshot, and hisnose _retrousse_ with a remarkably red tip. Strictly speaking, theBaron could not be called handsome; but his _tout ensemble_ wassingularly impressive; and when he called for his boots, everybodytrembled and dreaded the worst. 

"Periwinkle, " said the Baron, as he encased his better leg, "let thegrave be twenty feet deep!"

"Your lordship's command is law. "

"And, Perwinkle"--Sir Robert stamped his left heel into it'sreceptacle--"and, Periwinkle, see that it be wide enough to hold notexceeding two!"

"Ye--ye--yes, my lord. "

"And, Periwinkle--tell Father Fothergill I would fain speak with hisReverence. "

"Ye--ye--yes, my lord. "

The Baron's beard was peaked; and his mustache, stiff and stumpy, projected horizontally like those of a Tom Cat; he twirled the one, hestroked the other, he drew the buckle of his surcingle a thoughttighter, and strode down the great staircase three steps at a stride. 

The vassals were assembled in the great hall of Shurland Castle; everycheek was pale, every tongue was mute, expectation and perplexity werevisible on every brow. What would his lordship do? Were the recusantanybody else, gyves to the heels and hemp to the throat were but toogood for him; but it was Father Fothergill who had said "I won't;" andthough the Baron was a very great man, the Pope was a greater, and thePope was Father Fothergill's great friend--some people said he was hisuncle. 

Father Fothergill was busy in the refectory trying conclusions with avenison pasty, when he received the summons of his patron to attend himin the chapel cemetery. Of course he lost no time in obeying it, forobedience was the general rule in Shurland Castle. If anybody ever said"I won't" it was the exception; and, like all other exceptions, onlyproved the rule the stronger. The Father was a friar of the Augustinepersuasion; a brotherhood which, having been planted in Kent some fewcenturies earlier, had taken very kindly to the soil, and overspreadthe county much as hops did some few centuries later. He was plump andportly, a little thick-winded, especially after dinner, stood five feetfour in his sandals, and weighed hard upon eighteen stone. He was, moreover, a personage of singular piety; and the iron girdle, which, hesaid, he wore under his cassock to mortify withal, might have been wellmistaken for the tire of a cart-wheel. When he arrived, Sir Robert waspacing up and down by the side of a newly opened grave. 

"_Benedecite!_ fair son"--(the Baron was brown as a cigar)--"_Benedecite!_" said the Chaplain. 

The Baron was too angry to stand upon compliment. "Bury me thatgrinning caitiff there!" he, pointing to the defunct. 

"It may not be, fair son, " said the friar, "he hath perished withoutabsolution. "

"Bury the body!" roared Sir Robert. 

"Water and earth alike reject him, " returned the Chaplain; "holy St. Bridget herself--"

"Bridget me no Bridgets!--do me thine office quickly, Sir Shaveling! orby the Piper that played before Moses--" The oath was a fearful one;and whenever the Baron swore to do mischief, he was never known toperjure himself. He was playing with the hilt of his sword. "Do methine office, I say. Give him his passport to heaven. "

"He is already gone to Hell!" stammered the Friar. 

"Then do you go after him!" thundered the Lord of Shurland. 

His sword half leaped from its scabbard. No!--the trenchant blade, thathad cut Suleiman Ben Malek Ben Buckskin from helmet to chin, disdainedto daub itself with the cerebellum of a miserable monk;--it leaped backagain;--and as the Chaplain, scared at its flash, turned him in terror, the Baron gave him a kick!--one kick!--it was but one!--but such a one!Despite its obesity, up flew his holy body in an angle of forty-fivedegrees; then having reached its highest point of elevation, sunkheadlong into the open grave that yawned to receive it. If the reverendgentleman had possessed such a thing as a neck, he had infalliblybroken it! as he did not, he only dislocated his vertebrae--but thatdid quite as well. He was as dead as ditch-water!

"In with the other rascal!" said the baron--and he was obeyed; forthere he stood in his boots. Mattock and shovel made short work of it;twenty feet of superincumbent mould pressed down alike the saint andthe sinner. "Now sing a requiem who list!" said the Baron, and hislordship went back to his oysters. 

The vassals at Castle Shurland were astounded, or, as the SeneschalHugh better expressed it, "perfectly conglomerated, " by this event. What! murder a monk in the odor of sanctity--and on consecrated groundtoo! They trembled for the health of the Baron's soul. To theunsophisticated many, it seemed that matters could not have been muchworse had he shot a bishop's coach-horse--all looked for some signaljudgment. The melancholy catastrophe of their neighbors at Canterburywas yet rife in their memories; no two centuries had elapsed sincethose miserable sinners had cut off the tail of the blessed St. Thomas's mule. The tail of the mule, it was well known, had beenforthwith affixed to that of the Mayor; and rumor said it had sincebeen hereditary in the corporation. The least that could be expectedwas, that Sir Robert should have a friar tacked on to his for the termof his natural life! Some bolder spirits there were, 'tis true, whoviewed the matter in various lights, according to their differenttemperaments and dispositions; for perfect unanimity existed not evenin the good old time. The verderer, roistering Hob Roebuck, sworeroundly, "'Twere as good a deed as to eat, to kick down the chapel aswell as the monk. " Hob had stood there in a white sheet for kissingGiles Miller's daughter. On the other hand, Simpkin Agnew, the bell-ringer, doubted if the devil's cellar, which runs under the bottomlessabyss, were quite deep enough for the delinquent, and speculated on theprobability of a hole being dug in it for his especial accommodation. The philosophers and economists thought, with Saunders McBullock, theBaron's bagpiper, that a 'feckless monk more or less was nae greatsubject for a clamjamphrey, ' especially as 'the supply exceeded thedemand;' while Malthouse, the tapster, was arguing to Dame Martin thata murder now and then was a seasonable check to population, withoutwhich the isle of Sheppey would in time be devoured, like a mouldycheese, by inhabitants of its own producing. Meanwhile the Baron atehis oysters and thought no more of the matter. 

But this tranquillity of his lordship was not to last. A couple ofSaints had been seriously offended; and we have all of us read atschool that celestial minds are by no means insensible to theprovocations of anger. There were those who expected that St. Bridgetwould come in person, and have the friar up again, as she did thesailor; but perhaps her ladyship did not care to trust herself withinthe walls of Shurland Castle. To say the truth, it was scarcely adecent house for a female saint to be seen in. The Baron's gallantries, since he became a widower had been but too notorious; and her ownreputation was a little blown upon in the earlier days of her earthlypilgrimage; then things were so apt to be misrepresented--in short, shewould leave the whole affair to St. Austin, who being a gentleman, could interfere with propriety, avenge her affront as well as his own, and leave no loop-hole for scandal. St. Austin himself seems to havehad his scruples, though of their precise nature it would be difficultto determine, for it were idle to suppose him at all afraid of theBaron's boots. Be this as it may, the mode which he adopted was at onceprudent and efficacious. As an ecclesiastic, he could not well call theBaron out--had his boots been out of the question; so he resolved tohave recourse to the law. Instead of Shurland Castle, therefore, herepaired forthwith to his own magnificent monastery, situate justwithout the walls of Canterbury, and presented himself in a vision toits abbot. No one who has ever visited that ancient city can fail torecollect the splendid gateway which terminates the vista of St. Paul'sstreet, and stands there yet in all its pristine beauty. The tiny trainof miniature artillery which now adorns its battlements is, it is true, an ornament of a later date; and is said to have been added somecenturies after by a learned but jealous proprietor, for the purpose ofshooting any wiser man than himself, who might chance to come that way. Tradition is silent as to any discharge having taken place, nor can theoldest inhabitant of modern days recollect any such occurrence. [Footnote: Since the appearance of the first edition of this Legend"the guns" have been dismounted. Rumor hints at some alarm on the partof the Town Council. ] Here it was, in a handsome chamber, immediatelyover the lofty archway, that the Superior of the monastery lay buriedin a brief slumber, snatched from his accustomed vigils. His mitre--forhe was a mitred Abbot, and had a seat in parliament--rested on a tablebeside him: near it stood a silver flagon of Gascony wine, ready, nodoubt, for the pious uses of the morrow. Fasting and watching had madehim more than usually somnolent, than which nothing could have beenbetter for the purpose of the Saint, who now appeared to him radiant inall the colors of the rainbow. 

"Anselm!" said the beatific vision, --"Anselm! are you not a prettyfellow to lie snoring there when your brethren are being knocked athead, and Mother Church herself is menaced?--It is a sin and a shame, Anselm!"

"What's the matter?--Who are you?" cried the Abbot, rubbing his eyes, which the celestial splendour of his visitor had set a-winking. "AveMaria! St. Austin himself! Speak, _Beatissime!_ what would you with thehumblest of your votaries?"

"Anselm!" said the saint, a "brother of our order, whose soul Heavenassoilzie! hath been foully murdered. He had been ignominiously kickedto the death, Anselm; and there he lieth check-by-jowl with a wretchedcarcass, which our sister Bridget has turned out of her cemetery forunseemly grinning. Arouse thee, Anselm!"

"Ay, so please you, _Sanctssime!_" said the Abbot. "I will orderforthwith that thirty masses be said, thirty _Paters, _ and thirty_Aves. "_

"Thirty fools' heads!" interrupted his patron, who was a littlepeppery. 

"I will send for bell, book, and candle--"

"Send for an inkhorn, Anselm. Write me now a letter to his Holiness thePope in good round terms, and another to the Sheriff, and seize me thenever-enough-to-be anathematized villain who hath done this deed! Hanghim as high as Haman, Anselm!--up with him!--down with his dwellingplace, root and branch, hearth-stone and roof-tree, --down with it all, and sow the site with salt and sawdust. "

St. Austin, it will perceived, was a radical reformer. 

"Marry will I, " quoth the Abbot, warming with the Saint's eloquence:"ay, marry will I, and that _instanter_. But there is one thing you haveforgotten most Beatified--the name of the culprit. "

"Robert de Shurland. "

"The Lord of Sheppey! Bless me!" said the Abbot, crossing himself, "won't that be rather inconvenient? Sir Robert is a bold baron, and apowerful: blows will come and go, and crowns will be cracked and--"

"What is that to you, since yours will not be of the number?"

"Very true, _Beatissime!_--I will don me with speed and do yourbidding. "

"Do so, Anselm!--fail not to hang the Baron, burn his castle, confiscate his estate, and buy me two large wax candles for my ownparticular shrine out of your share of the property. "

With this solemn injunction, the vision began to fade. 

"One thing more!" cried the Abbot, grasping his rosary. 

"What is that?" asked the Saint. 

"_O Beate Augustine, ora pro nobis!_"

"Of course I shall, " said St. Austin. _"Pax vo-biscum!"_--and AbbotAnselm was left alone. 

Within an hour all Canterbury was in commotion. A friar had beenmurdered, --two friars--ten, twenty; a whole convent had beenassaulted, sacked, burnt, --all the monks had been killed, and all thenuns had been kissed! Murder! fire! sacrilege! Never was city in suchan uproar. From St. George's gate to St. Dunstan's suburb, from theDonjon to the borough of Staplegate, it was noise and hubbub. "Wherewas it?"--"When was it?"--"How was it?" The Mayor caught up his chain, the Aldermen donned their furred gowns, the Town Clerk put on hisspectacles. "Who was he?"--"What was he?"--"Where was he?"--He shouldbe hanged, --he should be burned, --he should be broiled, --he should befried, --he should be scraped to death with red-hot-oyster-shells! "Whowas he?"--"What was his name?"

The Abbot's Apparitor drew forth his roll and read aloud:--'Sir Robertde Shurland, Knight banneret, Baron of Shurland and Minster, and Lordof Sheppey. 

The Mayor put his chain in his pocket, the Aldermen took off theirgowns, the Town Clerk put his pen behind his ear. It was a countybusiness altogether;--the Sheriff had better call out the _possecomitatus_. 

While saints and sinners were thus leaning against him, the Baron deShurland was quietly eating his breakfast. He had passed a tranquilnight, undisturbed by dreams of cowl or capuchin; nor was his appetitemore affected than his conscience. On the contrary, he sat ratherlonger over his meal than usual; luncheon-time came, and he was readyas ever for his oysters: but scarcely had Dame Martin opened his firsthalf-dozen when the warder's horn was heard from the barbican. 

"Who the devil's that?" said Sir Robert. "I'm not at home, Periwinkle. I hate to be disturbed at meals, and I won't be at home to anybody. "

"An't please your lordship, " answered the Seneschal, "Paul Prior hathgiven notice that there is a body--"

"Another body!" roared the Baron. "Am I to be everlastingly plaguedwith bodies? No time allowed me to swallow a morsel. Throw it into themoat!"

"So please you my lord, it is a body of horse, --and--and Paul saysthere is a still large body of foot behind it; and he thinks, my lord--that is, he does not know, but he thinks--and we all think, my lord, that they are coming to--to besiege the castle!"

"Besiege the castle! Who? What? What for?"

"Paul says, my lord, that he can see the banner of St. Austin, and thebleeding heart of Hamo de Crevecoeur, the Abbot's chief vassal; andthere is John de Northwood, the sheriff, with his red cross engrailed;and Hever, and Leybourne, and Heaven knows how many more: and they areall coming on as fast as ever they can. "

"Periwinkle, " said the Baron, "up with the draw-bridge; down with theportcullis; bring me a cup of canary, and my nightcap. I won't bebothered with them. I shall go to bed. "

"To bed, my lord!" cried Periwinkle, with a look that seemed to say, "He's crazy!"

At this moment the shrill tones of a trumpet were heard to sound thricefrom the champaign. It was the signal for parley; the Baron changed hismind; instead of going to bed, he went to the ramparts. 

"Well, rapscallions! and what now?" said the Baron. 

A herald, two pursuivants, and a trumpeter, occupied the foreground ofthe scene; behind them, some three hundred paces off, upon a risingground, was drawn up in battle-array the main body of theecclesiastical forces. 

"Hear you, Robert de Shurland, Knight, Baron of Shurland and Minster, and Lord of Sheppey, and know all men, by these presents, that I dohereby attach you, said Robert, of murder and sacrilege, now, or of thelate, done and committed by you, the said Robert, contrary to the peaceof our Sovereign Lord the King, his crown and dignity: and I do herebyrequire and charge you, the said Robert, to forthwith surrender andgive up your own proper person, together with the castle of Shurlandaforesaid, in order that the same may be duly dealt with according tolaw. And here standeth John de Northwood, Esquire, good man and true, sheriff of this his Majesty's most loyal county of Kent, to enforce thesame if need be, with his _posse comitatus_--"

"His what?" said the Baron. 

"His _posse comitatus_, and--" "Go to Bath!" said the Baron. 

A defiance so contemptuous roused the ire of the adverse commanders. Avolley of missiles rattled about the Baron's ears. Nightcaps availlittle against contusions. He left the walls, and returned to the greathall. "Let them pelt away, " quoth the Baron; "there are no windows tobreak, and they can't get in. " So he took his afternoon nap, and thesiege went on. 

Towards evening his lordship awoke, and grew tired of the din. GuyPearson, too, had got a black eye from a brick bat, and the assailantswere clambering over the outer wall. So the Baron called for his Sundayhauberk of Milan steel, and his great two-handed sword with theterrible name:--it was the fashion in feudal times to give names toswords: King Arthur's was christened Excalibar; the Baron called hisTickletoby, and whenever he took it in hand, it was no joke. 

"Up with the portcullis! down with the bridge!" said Sir Robert; andout he sallied followed by the _elite_ of his retainers. Then there wasa pretty to-do. Heads flew one way--arms and legs another; round wentTickletoby, and, wherever it alighted, down came horse and man, theBaron excelled himself that day. All that he had done in Palestine fadedin the comparison; he had fought for fun there, but now it was for lifeand lands. Away went John de Northwood; away went William of Hever, andRoger of Leybourne. Hamo de Crevecoeur, with the church vassals and thebanner of St. Austin, had been gone some time. The siege was raised, andthe Lord of Sheppey was left alone in his glory. 

But, brave as the Baron undoubtedly was, and total as had been thedefeat of his enemies, it cannot be supposed that _La Stoccata_would be allowed to carry it away thus. It has before been hinted thatAbbot Anselm had written to the Pope, and Boniface the Eight piquedhimself on his punctuality as a correspondent in all matters connectedwith church discipline. He sent back an answer by return of post; andby it all Christian people were strictly enjoined to aid inexterminating the offender, on pain of the greater excommunication inthis world and a million of years of purgatory in the next. But then, again, Boniface the Eight was rather at a discount in England justthen. He had affronted Longshanks, as the royal lieges had nicknamedtheir monarch; and Longshanks had been rather sharp upon the clergy inconsequence. If the Baron de Shurland could but get the King's pardonfor what, in his cooler moments, he admitted to be a peccadillo, hemight sniff at the Pope, and bid him 'to do his devilmost. '

Fortune, who as the poet says, delights to favor the bold, stood hisfriend on this occasion. Edward had been for some time collecting alarge force on the coast of Kent, to carry on his French wars for therecovery of Guienne; he was expected shortly to review it in person;but, then, the troops lay principally in cantonments about the mouth ofthe Thames, and his majesty was to come down by water. What was to bedone?--the royal barge was in sight, and John de Norwood and Hamo deCrevecoeur had broken up all the boats to boil their camp-kettles. Atruly great mind is never without resources. 

"Bring me my boots!" said the Baron. 

They brought him his boots, and his dapple-grey steed along with them. Such a courser; all blood and bone, short-backed, broad-chested, and--but that he was a little ewe-necked--faultless in form and figure. TheBaron sprang upon his back, and dashed at once into the river. 

The barge which carried Edward Longshanks and his fortunes had by thistime nearly reached the Nore; the stream was broad and the currentstrong, but Sir Robert and his steed were almost as broad, and a greatdeal stronger. After breasting the tide gallantly for a couple ofmiles, the knight was near enough to hail the steersman. 

"What have we got here?" said the King. "It's a mermaid, " said one. "It's a grampus, " said another. "It's the devil, " said a third. Butthey were all wrong; It was only Robert de Shurland. "Gramercy" saidthe King, "that fellow was never born to be drowned!"

It has been said before that the Baron had fought in the Holy Wars; infact, he had accompanied Longshanks, when only heir-apparent, in hisexpedition twenty-five years before, although his name is unaccountablyomitted by Sir Harris Nicolas in his list of crusaders. He had beenpresent at Acre when Amirand of Joppa stabbed the prince with apoisoned dagger, and had lent Princess Eleanor his own tooth-brushafter she had sucked out the venom from the wound. He had slain certainSaracens, contented himself with his own plunder, and never dunned thecommissariat for arrears of pay. Of course he ranked high in Edward'sgood graces, and had received the honor of knighthood at his hands onthe field of battle. 

In one so circumstanced, it cannot be supposed that such a trifle asthe killing of a frowsy friar would be much resented, even had he nottaken so bold a measure to obtain his pardon. His petition was granted, of course, as soon as asked; and so it would have been had theindictment drawn up by the Canterbury town-clerk, viz. , "That he, thesaid Robert de Shurland, &c. , had then and there, with several, to wit, one thousand pairs of boots, given sundry, to wit, two thousand kicks, and therewith and thereby killed divers, to wit, ten thousand, Austinfriars, " been true to the letter. 

Thrice did the gallant grey circumnavigate the barge, while Robert deWinchelsey, the chancellor and archbishop to boot, was making out, albeit with great reluctance, the royal pardon. The interval wassufficiently long to enable his Majesty, who, gracious as he was, hadalways an eye to business, just to hint that the gratitude he felttowards the Baron was not unmixed with a lively sense of services tocome; and that, if life were now spared him, common decency must obligehim to make himself useful. Before the archbishop, who had scalded hisfingers with the wax in affixing the great seal, had time to take themout of his mouth, all was settled, and the Baron de Shurland hadpledged himself to be forthwith in readiness, _cum suis_, to accompanyhis liege lord to Guienne. 

With the royal pardon secured in his vest, boldly did his lordship turnagain to the shore; and as boldly did his courser oppose his breadth ofchest to the stream. It was a work of no common difficulty or danger; asteed of less "mettle and bone" had long since sunk in the effort; asit was, the Baron's boots were full of water, and Grey Dolphin'schamfrain more than once dipped beneath the wave. The convulsive snortsof the noble animal showed his distress; each instant they became moreloud and frequent; when his hoof touched the strand, "the horse and hisrider" stood once again in safety on the shore. 

Rapidly dismounting the Baron was loosening the girths of his demi-pique, to give the panting animal breath, when he was aware of as uglyan old woman as he ever clapped eyes upon, peeping at him under thehorse's belly. 

"Make much of your steed, Robert Shurland! Make much of your steed!"cried the hag, shaking at him her long and bony finger. " Groom to thehide, and corn to the manger! He has saved your life, Robert Shurland, for the nonce? but he shall yet be the means of your losing it for allthat!"

The Baron started: "What's that you say, you old faggot!" He ran roundby his horse's tail; the woman was gone!

The Baron paused: his great soul was not to be shaken by trifles! helooked around him, and solemnly ejaculated the word "Humbug!" thenslinging the bridle across his arm, walked slowly on in the directionof the castle. 

The appearance, and still more, the disappearance of the crone, had, however, made an impression; "'Twould be deuced provoking, though, ifhe should break my neck after all. " He turned and gazed at Dolphin withthe eye of a veterinary surgeon. "I'll be shot if he is not groggy!"said the Baron. 

With his lordship, like another great commander, "Once to be in doubt, was once to be resolved:" it would never do to go to the wars on aricketty prad. He dropped the rein, drew forth Tickletoby, and, as theenfranchised Dolphin, good easy horse, stretched out his ewe-neck tothe herbage, struck off his head at a single blow. "There, you lyingold beldame!" said the Baron; "now take him away to the knacker's. "

Three years were come and gone. King Edward's French wars were over;both parties having fought till they came to a standstill, shook hands, and the quarrel, as usual, was patched up by a royal marriage. Thishappy event gave his majesty leisure to turn his attention to Scotland, where things, through the intervention of William Wallace, were lookingrather queerish. As his reconciliation with Philip now allowed of hisfighting the Scotch in peace and quietness, the monarch lost no time inmarching his long legs across the border, and the short ones of theBaron followed him of course. At Falkirk, Tickletoby was in greatrequest; and in the year following, we find a contemporary poet hintingat his master's prowess under the walls of Caerlaverock--

A quatrain which Mr. Simpkinson translates, Ovec ens fu achiminez Li beau Robert de Shurland Ri kant seoit sur le cheval Ne sembloit home ke someille. 

 With them was marching The good Robert de Shurland, Who, when seated on horseback, Does not resemble a man asleep!

So thoroughly awake, indeed, does he seem to have proved himself, thatthe bard subsequently exclaims in an ecstasy of admiration, Si ie estoie une pucellete Je li dourie ceur et cors Tant est de lu bons li reeors. 

 If I were a young maiden, I would give my heart and perso So great is his fame!

Fortunately the poet was a tough old monk of Exeter; since such apresent to a nobleman, now in his grand climacteric, would hardly havebeen worth the carriage. With the reduction of this stronghold of theMaxwellsse, em to have concluded the Baron's military services; as onthe very first day of the fourteenth century we find him once morelanded on his native shore, and marching, with such of his retainers asthe wars had left him, towards the hospitable shelter of ShurlandCastle. It was then, upon that very beach, some hundred yards distantfrom high-water mark, that his eye fell upon something like an uglywoman in a red cloak. She was seated on what seemed to be a largestone, in an interesting attitude, with her elbows resting upon herknees, and her chin upon her thumbs The Baron started; the remembranceof his interview with a similar personage in the same place, some threeyears since, flashed upon his recollection. He rushed towards the spot, but the form was gone:--nothing remained but the seat it had appearedto occupy. This, on examination, turned out to be no stone, but thewhitened skull of a dead horse! A tender remembrance of the deceasedGrey Dolphin shot a momentary pang into the Baron's bosom: he drew theback of his hand across his face; the thought of the hag's predictionin an instant rose, and banished all softer emotions. In utter contemptof his own weakness, yet with a tremor that deprived his redoubtablekick of half its wonted force, he spurned the relic with his foot. Oneword alone issued from his lips, elucidatory of what was passing in hismind--it long remained imprinted on the memory of his faithfulfollowers--that word was "Gammon!" The skull bounded across the beachtill it reached the very margin of the stream:--one instant more and itwould be ingulfed for ever. At that moment a loud "Ha! ha! ha!" wasdistinctly heard by the whole train to issue from its bleached andtoothless jaws: it sank beneath the flood in a horselaugh. 

Meanwhile Sir Robert de Shurland felt an odd sort of sensation in hisright foot. His boots had suffered in the wars. Great pains had beentaken for their preservation. They had been "soled" and "heeled" morethan once:--had they been "goloshed, " their owner might have defiedFate! Well has it been said that "there is no such a thing as atrifle. " A nobleman's life depended upon a question of ninepence. 

The Baron marched on: the uneasiness in his foot increased. He pluckedoff his boot; a horse's tooth was sticking in his great toe!

The result may be anticipated. Lame as he was, his lordship, withcharacteristic decision, would hobble on to Shurland; his walk increasedthe inflammation; a flagon of _aqua vitae_ did not mend matters. He wasin a high fever; he took to his bed. Next morning the toe presented theappearance of a Bedfordshire carrot; by dinner time it had deepened tobeet-root; and when Bargrave, the leech, at last sliced it off, thegangrene was too confirmed to admit of remedy. Dame Martin thought ithigh time to send for Miss Margaret, who, ever since her mother's death, had been living with her maternal aunt, the abbess, in the Ursulineconvent at Greenwich. The young lady came, and with her came one MasterIngoldsby, her cousin-german by the mother's side; but the Baron was toofar gone in the dead-thraw to recognize either. He died as he lived, unconquered and unconquerable. His last words were--"tell the old hagshe may go to--. " Whither remains a secret. He expired without fullyarticulating the place of her destination. 

But who and what _was_ the crone who prophesied the catastrophe?Ay, "that is the mystery of this wonderful history. "--Some say it wasDame Fothergill, the late confessor's mamma; others, St. Bridgetherself; others thought it was nobody at all, but only a phantomconjured up by conscience. As we do not know, we decline giving anopinion. 

And what became of the Clerk of Chatham? Mr. Simkinson avers that helived to a good old age, and was at last hanged by Jack Cade, with hisinkhorn about his neck, for "setting boys copies. " In support of thishe adduces his name "Emmanuel, " and refers to the historianShakespeare. Mr. Peters, on the contrary, considers this to be what hecalls one of Simkinson's "Anacreonisms, " inasmuch as, at theintroduction of Mr. Cade's reform measure, the Clerk, if alive, wouldhave been hard upon two hundred years old. The probability is that theunfortunate alluded to was his great grandson. 

Margaret Shurland in due course became Margaret Ingoldsby: her portraitstill hangs in the gallery at Tappington. The features are handsome, but shrewdish, betraying, as it were, a touch of the old Baron'stemperament; but we never could learn that she actually kicked herhusband. She brought him a very pretty fortune in chains, watches, andSaracen ear-rings; the barony, being a male fief, reverted to theCrown. 

In the Abbey-church at Minster may yet be seen the tomb of a recumbentwarrior, clad in the chain-mail of the 13th century. His hands areclasped in prayer; his legs, crossed in that position so prized byTemplars in ancient, and tailors in modern days, bespeak him a soldierof the faith in Palestine. Close behind his dexter calf lies sculpturedin bold relief a horse's head: and a respectable elderly lady, as sheshows the monument, fails not to read her auditors a fine moral lessonon the sin of ingratitude, or to claim a sympathizing tear to thememory of poor "Grey Dolphin!"

RICHARD HARRIS BARHAM. 

MOSES, THE SASSY;

OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE. 

CHAPTER I. 

ELIZY. 

My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the parler of thebloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is cuvered ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers. Shehad just sot down to the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called"Smells of the Notion, " in which she tells how with pensiv thought, shewandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in its horizon, and itsgorjus light pores in a golden meller flud through the winders, andmakes the young lady twice as beautiful nor what she was before, whichis onnecessary. She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting. Also, considerable guaze. Her dress contains 16 flounders and her shoesis red morocker, with gold spangles onto them. Presently she jumps upwith a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow, she exclaims, "Methinks I see a voice!"

A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a red shirt andblack trowis, which last air turned up over his boots; his hat, whichis a plug, being cockt onto one side of his classiual hed. In sooth, hewas a heroic lookin person, with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiestdays near projuced a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly fora spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo, and stated as follers:

"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? No, I reckon not! That frame! themstore close! those nose! Yes, it is me own, me only Moses!"

He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was a"hunkey boy. "

CHAPTER II. 

WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH?

Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers had just binhaving an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on the day I intorjuceMoses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full of trofees, to wit: 4scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears (which he chawed off), and severalhalf and quarter sections of noses. When the fair Elizy recovered fromher delight at meetin Moses, she said:--"How hast the battle gonest?Tell me!"

"We chawed 'em up--that's what we did!" said the bold Moses. 

"I thank the gods!" said the fair Elizy. "Thou did'st excellent well. And Moses, " she continued, layin her hed confidinly again his weskit, "dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth?"

"No!" said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. "You don't say so!"

"Indeed do I! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me the tothernight. "

"Oh no, I guess it's a mistake, " sed Moses. 

"I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did!" replied Elizy. "He said:'Moses is a Disguised Juke. '"

"You mean Duke, " said Moses. 

"Dost not the actors all call it Juke?" said she. That settled thematter. 

"I hev thought of this thing afore, " said Moses abstractedly. "If it isso, then thus it must be! 2 B or not 2 B! Which? Sow, sow! But enuff. Olife! life!--_you're too many for me!_" He tore out some of his prettyyeller hair, stampt on the floor several times, and was gone. 

CHAPTER III. 

THE PIRUT FOILED. 

Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seen narrated in thelast chapter took place. A noble ship, the Sary Jane, is a-sailin fromFrance to Ameriky via the Wabash Canal. The pirut ship is in hotpursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a man of much principle, and intends to kill all the people on bored the Sary and confiscate thewalleables. The capting of the S. J. Is on the pint of givin in, when afine lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo overcoat rushesforored and obsarves:

"Old man! go down stairs! Retire to the starbud bulk-hed! I'll takecharge of this Bote!"

"Owdashus cuss!" yelled the capting, "away with thee or I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r!"

"Skurcely, " obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond-hilted-fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired shortly, his last wordsbein, "We are governed too much. "

"People!" sed the stranger, "I'm the Juke de Moses!"

"Old hoss!" sed a passenger, "methinks thou art blowin!" whareupon theJuke cut orf his hed also. 

"Oh that I should live to see myself a ded body!" screamed theunfortnit man. "But don't print any verses about my deth in thenewspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye!"

"People!" sed the Juke, "I alone can save you from yon bloody pirut!Ho! a peck of oats!" The oats was brought, and the Juke, boldly mountinthe jibpoop, throwed them onto the towpath. The pirut rapidlyapproached, chucklin with fiendish delight at the idee of increasin hisill-gotten gains. But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddenton comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain thepiruts swore and throwed stones and bottles at the hoss--he wouldn'tbudge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the full jump, wasfast leavin the pirut ship!

"Onct agin do I escape deth!" said the Juke between his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. 

CHAPTER IV. 

THE WANDERER'S RETURN. 

The Juke was the Sassy! Yes, it was!

He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin, which gavebirth to a Bunker Hill!! He had some trouble in getting hisselfacknowledged as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Boreboneswere fernest him, he finely conkered. Elizy knowed him right off, asone of his ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fightswith opposition firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived to agreen old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. Their children, ofwhich they have numerous, often go up onto the Common and see theFountain squirt. 

This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10 they caneither make Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah, or as joyus as theflower garding, my objeck will have bin accomplished, and more too. 

ARTEMUS WARD. 

MR. COLUMBUS CORIANDER'S GORILLA. 

My article on the Origin of the Human Species had been months inpreparation. Much of the fame which I have since secured by itspublication in that widely circulated magazine, the _InteroceanicMonthly_, is due to the fact that I spent weeks in deep investigationsin ethnological science, comparing results, and especially examining thepoints of resemblance which exist in the brute creation and the noblerrace of man. To say that I utterly overthrew the Darwinian theory, andquite demolished the tribe of pretenders who have since attempted toimitate that great apostle of error, may not be strictly in accordancewith modesty, but hosts of candid friends will admit that it is strictlytrue. I know very well that, though my untiring labors in the cause ofscience are not yet thoroughly appreciated, an admiring posterity willdwell with delight on the name of Samuel Simcox as the benefactor of hisrace, who showed where that race had its birth and from what primitiveelements it sprang. For further particulars, see the _InteroceanicMonthly_ for June, 18--. 

My favorite haunt during the progress of this article was Coriander'sMenagerie; having resolved that this should be the masterpiece of mylife, I spared neither labor nor expense upon it, and actually procureda season ticket to the menagerie, and passed many pleasant hours inwatching the wild animals, studying their habits, and drawing manyvaluable conclusions from their points of resemblance and difference. Consequently, though the apes and monkeys had furnished me with aninexhaustible fund of amusement and interest, I was delighted beyondmeasure when it was announced that Coriander had secured a live gorillafor his collection of wild beasts. An agent had been dispatched toAfrica, and had sent home, with great secrecy, a real live specimen ofthis dreadful beast; and so well had all the negotiations been keptthat nobody knew of what was being done, until the monster was fairlycaged and on exhibition at Coriander's Menagerie. I entered with zestupon a study of the creature's habits and peculiarities; and while theidle curiosity of mere wonder-mongers kept a vast crowd about the cagewherein the furious beast was confined, calmly I surveyed it from asafe distance and made my scientific observations for the benefit ofmankind. And when vulgar wonder at the strange beast had somewhatsubsided, and I could get nearer the cage and watch the gorilla, I wasmore and more impressed with the human traits which I discovered in theextraordinary animal. His manner of reclining was, though impish, halfhuman; and his grotesque gait, as he sprang from side to side of thenarrow prison, was suggestive of his supposititious congener-man; evenhis terrible howl, which rent the air of the museum constantly, had ahuman shade of sound. 

One rainy day, when the great hall of the museum was unusually vacantof visitors, I almost leaned against the cage in my eager watch of themovements of the gorilla. I fancied him roaming his native Africanjungles, the terror of every living thing, or rearing, with a strangegrotesque solicitude, his young family. I wondered how much akin tohuman love and hate were the passions that raged beneath that hairybreast, and how much of real feeling was in the loud and anguished howlthat occasionally burst from those fanglike jaws. Thus speculating, Idrew incautiously near the bars of the cage where the monsterrestlessly paced up and down, and was inexpressibly startled at feelinghis hot breath on my cheek, while from his huge, hairy lips came thesound--"Sam!" I actually jumped with astonishment, whereupon thecreature beseechingly said: "Hush, hush, for Heaven's sake do not leaveme!" I mustered courage enough to ask what all this meant. The gorillaanswered: "I am your old friend, Jack Gale; don't leave me. "

So Coriander's famous gorilla was no other than my old crony, JackGale. 

And this is how Jack happened to be a gorilla:

Coriander's keepers were too watchful to permit much conversation, buttaking from the gorilla--for such he still was to me--the address ofJack Gale, No. 1283, Morusmulticaulis Street, I went home to revisesome of my deductions relative to the origin of the human species, founded on observations of the gorilla in a state of comparativewildness. The menagerie closed at ten o'clock in the evening, andprecisely at half-past ten I was at Jack's lodgings, to which I climbedup four flights of crooked and very dark stairways. The room was smalland cheerless; the windows were carefully guarded by thick curtains;three or four swinging bars depended from the ceiling for the practiceof its inmate in acrobatic exercises; across the foot of the bed lay awell-dressed gorilla's skin, and at a small table, and absorbing thecontents of a pot of beer, sat the wearer of this discarded robe. Thiswas the haunt of the African gorilla. He told his story in a few words. 

"When you and I were used to talk with each other along the Tallapoosaand Athens wire, I never thought to meet you as a live gorilla; buthere I am. After the war was over and the Government discharged so manytelegraph operators, it was hard scratching for a while; and after youand I left the Decapolis office, I was well-nigh broke more than once, only a few cents standing between me and beggary. But I kept a stiffupper lip and struggled up to Cincinnati, where I met with Coriander. He was out there with his menagerie and was about to come on to thiscity and open a big show. He is a great old villain, but he has thesweetest, nicest little daughter that ever was given to man. Youhaven't seen Clara Coriander, have you? No? Well, you have not seen theloveliest and best girl in the world, then. But, as I was saying, oldCoriander was preparing for a year's campaign in this city, andallotted a great deal on a real, live gorilla which had been capturedin the wilds of Africa somewhere. Oh, curse that gorilla; I wish I hadbeen dead before I ever heard of him. "

And here Jack groaned. 

"I love Clara Coriander. I suppose you have guessed that out already. But it was the old story; poor young man, without fortune or friends;cruel parents determined that their only daughter shall not marry abeggar; young lady inconsolable and devoted to aforesaid young man, butdreadfully afraid of papa, whose only child she is. Well, Coriandercame on here and I followed, the old man giving me the job of writinghis posters and advertisements--to keep me from starving, I suppose. The long-expected _Gooroo_ arrived from Zanzibar, but no gorilla wasthere on board for Mr. Coriander; there was a skin of that celebratedanimal, the beast himself having departed this life off the island ofSt. Helena, an imitation of the example of another much-feared personwho once resided in that locality. 

"Coriander was frantic. The great card of his menagerie was not to behis. His long-cherished plans were a wreck; his money was spent fornaught; he had no gorilla. After all, I rather like the old wretch(Coriander, I mean). He has an absolute passion for his 'profession, 'as he calls it, and was more in despair because he had no gorilla, thanbecause it was a bad financial operation, which left him without thatfor which he had spent so much money. He was wretched in hisdisappointment, and postponed indefinitely the opening of hismenagerie, though my elegant advertisements were in all the papers, andour flaming posters covered the walls of the city from one end to theother. Gloom reigned in the house of Coriander. 

"This was my opportunity. I was in love with Clara and without anypermanent occupation. Presenting myself before the old man, I said:'Mr. Coriander, you want a gorilla?'

"'To be sure, ' said he, testily. 

"'I will furnish you with one. '

"'The devil you will!'

"'Look here, ' said I, stepping back a few paces. Grasping the top of aheavy wardrobe that stood in the room, I swung myself up, clamberedalong the top, sprang up and down over chairs and tables, raced aroundthe room with huge strides and jumps, and finally wound up myperformances by rushing at the astonished Coriander, and, beating mybreast, gave a terrific howl, that fairly made the old man quail as hewrithed in his chair. I had not been practicing for nothing, evidently. Coriander was actually frightened. 

"'What does this mean, ' he gasped, with some rage mingled with hisperturbation. 

"'I am the live gorilla from the wilds of Africa, ' said I. 'Give me myskin that arrived by the _Gooroo_ from Zanzibar, and I will scarethis city out of its senses when the menagerie opens, after a briefdelay on account of the difficulty of preparing for the enormousadditions, which a discriminating public will be delighted to see. '

"Old Coriander embraced me with tears in his eyes, declaring that I wasa real genius, and was born to the show business. 

"'But, ' said I, 'though I am poor and need the money which you will payme, I have one other condition, and that is that you shall give me yourdaughter's hand if I succeed. '

"The old man was rather taken aback at this, and flatly refused atfirst; and we wrangled over the matter for two or three days, but, after seeing me in the skin of the gorilla, and go through my anticsand performances, he reluctantly gave in and agreed that after one yearof gorilla life in his service, I should have the happiness of marryingClara. He only stipulated that I should not hereafter tell anybody ofthe cheat, and that not even Clara should know of it now. 

"I am aware that my profession is not high art as you call it, and onhot days it is precious uncomfortable. But what won't a fellow do underthe pressure of an exchequer in distress, and enticed by the promise ofthe hand of the prettiest and best girl in the world? The pay is notmuch, but I keep soul and body together, which is more than some poordevils do in this great city. By the way, Sam, have you got fivedollars about you?"

Now, if there was anything that Jack Gale specially loved, it was thestate of being in debt. He was never so happy as when in debt, and whenby accident, or the interference of friends, he got out of it, he wasuneasy and wretched, apparently, until he got in again. The normalcondition of the man was debt; so when he asked me for a loan, I couldnot help laughing; and I told him that he had undoubtedly found one ofthe greatest privations of his gorilla life to be the difficulty ofcontracting new debts. 

"That's a fact, " said Jack. "The menagerie opens at eight o'clock inthe morning; it takes me a good hour to get myself up for the day; andwe don't shut up until ten o'clock at night; so you see my professionalduties are very confining, and a real, live African gorilla is notsupposed to have first-rate credit with the people who poke stalesandwiches and peanuts through his cage-bars by day. "

I promised Jack that if old Seanecks, of the _Interoceanic Monthly_, accepted my article on the Origin of the Human Species, I would dividethe proceeds with him. Jack and I had shared and shared alike with ourlittle gains too often in years gone by, for me to remember which owedthe other now. Besides, I told him that I had studied his habits as agorilla, and he had some claim upon the profits of an article in whichhis personal peculiarities figured so largely. 

During the next few days I observed the characteristics of Coriander'sAfrican gorilla with new interest. He performed wonderfully well; itwas difficult to realize that the hairy, ravening, agile, andgrotesquely-moving beast, from which every visitor shrank back aghast, was only jolly Jack Gale serving out his hard servitude for ananticipated bride, very much after the ancient fashion of Laban'skinsman. The cunning rascal had a fashion of leaping at the bars whencurious people came too near, driving them away from a narrowinspection by his hideous yells and angry mouthings. But his roars, which were really artistic in their brutal sonorousness, served us agood purpose. As I was night editor on the _Daily Highflyer_, andkept pretty close from ten until three o'clock in the morning, and Jackwas caged until the hour at which I went to work, it was not easy forus to meet. So we exchanged the salutations of the day and a few scrapsof news by using our old signals, learned long ago in the telegraphoffice. Instead of the rat-tat-tat of the little instrument so familiarto both of us, Jack, by a series of long or short howls and grunts, gave me his message, to which I replied by careless taps of my cane orhand, nobody suspecting that my casual movements meant anything, norsupposing for an instant that a sudden burst of African forest yells, which sent a fat lady nearly into hysterics, and made two smallchildren howl with apprehension, merely meant "She with the pink bonnetis my Clara. "

And it must be confessed that Clara Coriander was an exceedinglyattractive young person. Blonde, slight in figure, and with one ofthose fair transparent complexions that make you think of a lightshining through an alabaster vase, Clara Coriander was certainly aslovely a girl as one ever lays eyes upon. Besides, she was an onlydaughter, and old Coriander had grown rich in the menagerie business. Jack was a lucky dog (gorilla, I should say), to gain her hand--if heever did; but one could not help thinking, as he noted her daintymanner and delicate, somewhat _distingue_ face, that she washardly the girl to fancy a fellow who had personated a gorilla, evenfor her hand. I was afraid that Jack had made a mistake in thusdebasing himself to the absurd passion of her cruel parent for thepossession of a gorilla. Moreover, by debarring himself from hersociety for a greater portion of the time (Sundays only excepted), heleft the field open for some more fortunate rival who might, in themeantime, carry off the prize. 

But Jack felt sure that he was all right, and by a precious bit ofdeception he had led Clara to believe that he was hard at work, nightand day, at some legitimate calling, earning money for his futureambitious designs in life. The poor little thing believed in him, butJack said it was very hard for him to be obliged to see his belovedflirting, right before his eyes at the menagerie (for the girl had ataste for natural history, and was there often), with some perfumeddangler who was in love with her pretty face and old Coriander's money. On these occasions, he hated himself for his mean disguise, and foundsatisfaction in howling at the gay party in such dreadful fashion assent them quaking from his cage; and then he cursed himself for havingdriven away his lovely angel, and was smitten with sudden remorse as hesaw her rose-hued cheeks blanch at his terrific cries. At such times hecould with difficulty restrain himself from shouting: "Don't befrightened, dear, it's only Jack!" But he was fortunately preservedfrom such an untimely exposure. 

Old Seanecks was very mean, and, though he accepted my article on theOrigin of the Human Species, only paid me the pitiful sum of twentydollars for that valuable contribution to knowledge. Twenty dollars forthe labor and thought of weeks! Was ever anything so absurd! And therewas Jack confidently expecting at least twenty-five dollars to purchasea birth-day present for Clara. Jack loved to make presents, and thedeeper he got into debt, the more presents did he bestow on hisfriends. Such another whole-souled fellow as he was, to be sure. 

But I pocketed the disappointment along with the money and wentstraightway to the menagerie. There was quite a little crowd aboutJack's cage, standing at a respectful distance. In his capacity as thereal African gorilla, Jack had just avenged himself on a dangerousrival by snatching off his matchless wig. This gentleman had longdeceived his friends with his ambrosial locks, but Jack's quick eye haddiscovered the cheat, and he seized a favorable moment to make a grabfor it. To his inexpressible joy, it came off in his paw, and thediscomfitted gallant stood with his bare poll in the presence of thegiggling and amused Clara Coriander. The amateur gorilla was in afrenzy of delight, and tore up and down his cage, scattering Mr. Jonquil's chestnut curls with savage glee. Old Coriander afterwards hadto pay for the wig, of course, but he was so delighted with the strokeof showman genius displayed in its destruction, that he paid the billwithout a murmur. None but a wild and savage animal, of course, would"snatch a gentleman bald-headed, " as the old man expressed it. Isuppose some of my readers, who now recollect the occurrence, willagree with Mr. Coriander in his opinion. 

After the little crowd which this amusing affair had drawn around thecage, dispersed in various directions, I drew near enough to hand Jacka ten-dollar note, which was his share of the proceeds of my article in_Interoceanic Monthly_. He snatched it furtively, for the keeperswere not far off, and cramming it into his ferocious jaws (lined withblood-red velvet), he howled in his usual _staccato_ style, "Didn't Iscalp old Jonquil, though!"

One of the keepers approaching me, said, suspiciously, "Look a-here, young man, you make entirely too free with that ere beast. He's awful, he is, and some day he'll just go for you, if you ain't keerful. Why, this afternoon, he jest tore a gentleman's skelp clean off his head, and he was borne out in a fainting condition. Jest see the hair of himall scattered over the cage. "

I humbly thanked him for the caution, and drew off, asking forinformation as to the creatures's habits. He was very talkative, andenlightened me with much valuable knowledge relative to his diet, averring that he invariably was fed before the menagerie was opened, the raw meat and live rabbits which he devoured exasperating him bytheir blood to that degree, that it was not safe for any person but thekeeper to come into his sight. The gorilla enjoyed this confidentialcommunication, and roared his approval thus: "He's the head liar ofthis menagerie. "

Jack and I kept up a casual correspondence from day to day by means ofour telegraphic signals, for I had little time to see him when offduty. Occasionally I strolled in of an evening to commiserate his_ennui_ and cheer him up with a friendly sign, or when opportunityoffered, to chat furtively with the man-gorilla, who swore dreadfullyat the bad bargain which he had made. His confinement was growingexcessively irksome, and though his constant exercise kept him in goodbodily health, poor Jack lost his spirits and grew positively wretchedin mind. One night, when I had managed to find time to visit him at his"den" in Morusmulticaulis Street, he grew quite plaintive over hisunhappy condition. 

"Hang it, Sam, " said he, "you have no idea how mad it makes me to thinkthat I have shut myself up in that cage for a year, and with no chanceof getting out without telling Clara what I have been doing. And thereshe goes pottering about the out the least idea that Jack, unhappyJack, is glowering at her from his cursed gorilla prison, longing tosay the words that would bring confusion and dismay upon all of us. Andthen when I see some other fellow flirting around with her, and oldCoriander leering over her head at me, knowing full well how aggravatedI am, why, it just makes me wild. "

I comforted Jack as well as I could, and bade him hope that some strokeof luck would yet deliver him from his voluntary thraldom and bring himto his love. He was hopeful that old Coriander would find the gorillabusiness unprofitable, and would offer to buy him off, or consent toshorter terms. He vowed one day that unless relief soon came, he wouldaddress the crowd about his cage and inform them that he was anunmitigated humbug; that he was no gorilla at all, but only adistressed gentleman, John Gale by name, temporarily held in duress bythat old rascal, Columbus Coriander. But he restrained himself andwaited. It was well that he did. 

One evening, finding an unemployed half-hour at my disposal, Isauntered into the menagerie hall, and watched the poor weary beastsslowly composing themselves to their unquiet slumbers. It was nearlytime to close the show for the night, and not many people were left tostroll about among the cages. Old Coriander was there with his fatwife, the lovely Clara floating about in a cloudy white dress, andfollowed by a train of admiring swains. The poor gorilla was stretchedat full length on the floor of his cage, with his face sullenly turnedto the rear partition. Passing by the poor fellow, with a little pangof regret, I stopped before a cage of apes, poor Jack's next doorneighbors. No wonder that he felt blue sometimes. 

Suddenly there was a rush of hurrying feet; a strange confusionpervaded the whole place, lately so quiet and still; and above thepungent odor of the menagerie, I detected that of burning wood. Theplace was on fire, and instantly everybody ran for the exits. The hallwas filled with blinding smoke; the red tongues of flame thrustthemselves eagerly through the thin partitions which separated the mainexhibition hall from the lumber-rooms in the rear. And the people whorushed selfishly down the narrow stairways fled not only from theflames, but from the poor beasts who cowered in their cages, or roaredangrily as they caught the mad excitement around them. The scene wasterrible; the crackling, roaring fires sweeping out into the long room;the wild terror of the caged animals; the shrieks and cries of flocksof suddenly-liberated strange birds; and the surging clouds of smokewhich rolled through the high arches overhead. Passing near thegorilla's cage I heard Jack's voice, as he yelled with stentorianlungs: "Will nobody let me out? Oh, will nobody let me out?" Quick asthought I ran behind his cage, and unfastened the narrow flap thatclosed the opening. In another moment the African gorilla was out andacross the hall, to where a blonde young lady in a white dress wasbeing helplessly borne along by old Coriander, also encumbered by thestout mother of Miss Clara--for Jack had seen that his beloved was inmortal danger. Raising the fainting girl in his strong arms, the hairymonster rushed down the stairs, astounding the coming firemen with thesight of a ferocious gorilla carrying off a respectable young lady, whose flaxen curls lay lovingly over the dreadful shoulders of thebeast, which, with ludicrous failure, endeavored to caress the pallidface of the young lady with his hairy jaws, stiff with padding andwhalebone, and nicely lined with blood-red velvet. 

The gorilla fled up the street, bearing his dainty burden--for, once insight, he could not stop with out exposure. Plodding travellers on theilluminated sidewalks were startled by the swift apparition of agorilla carrying off a young lady, who was borne into dark alleys to beeaten in the obscurity of some hidden den. Casual wayfarers throughback streets shrieked and ran as they beheld a flaming hairy dragonleaping with enormous strides, and carrying the corpse of a nice youngperson hanging over his shoulder. Good Mrs. Harris, who keeps thelodging-house at No. 1283, Morusmulticaulis Street, fell down in adeadly swoon at her own doorway, as she was returning from a class-meeting, to see the Evil One, equipped with the traditional head, horns, and tail, breathing fire and sulphurous smoke, violentlydeporting a beautiful young lady, who had for love of dress and otherworldly vanities, sold herself to Old Nick. Vaulting over the pronebody of the insensible Mrs. Harris, Jack eluded his few pursuers, anddarted up the stairs to his own private den, were he shut and lockedhimself and his fair burthen from the world. 

The lovely Clara revived shortly, and opening her eyes shut them againwith a great scream. She was in the den of the African gorilla. Therewas more fainting, and more anguish on the part of Jack, who cursed hisluck and his folly together. "It's Jack; it's only Jack, " he cried, with real agony, as he tore off his mask; and the young lady, slowlyreturning to her senses, once more opened her eyes and beheld herlover, a real African gorilla from his chin downwards, but possessing avery resolute yet anxious human head, very like Jack Gale's, with thescalp and grinning jaws of the defunct monster hanging behind his ears. 

This was an extraordinary situation; a nice young lady in a strangegarret, confronted by an erratic young man in semi-gorilla costume; hiscountenance flushed with excitement and exercise; his eyes wild withanxiety and alarm, and his whole manner that of a person who is in astate of utter quandary. The truth of history compels me to record thefact that Miss Clara Coriander threw up her hands and laughed as shewould die. She was a sensible girl, and liked a good joke. OldCoriander's plans were laid bare to her clear vision in one moment; shesaw through the whole trick; and laughed in the face of the astonishedMr. Gale. "Oh, Jack, " she said, as soon as she could recover herbreath, "how could you be such a fool? Where Oh, oh, oh!" To all ofwhich Jack could only reply by instalments. But by secluding the younglady on the stairway, he succeeded in preparing for their return to theCoriander mansion. Through the half-deserted streets the young couplewent in different guise from that in which they had before astonishedthose who saw them flee. The gorilla delivered up the old man'sdaughter, and was glad to be told that the menagerie, not quite ruined, must needs he closed for a few months for repairs. 

The show opened again in due season with new attractions, under themanagement of Coriander and Gale. But in all the lines of cages of rarebeasts, no African gorilla was to be found. In lieu thereof they showeda handsomely stuffed skin of the much lamented beast, which came to anuntimely end in consequence of a cold caught by exposure at the greatmenagerie fire. Coriander's heart relented when Jack saved his daughterfrom the burning building, and he found his inventive genius invaluablein the show business. 

I have seen the only young gorilla born on American soil, of whichthere is any account. It has pink cheeks and blue eyes, and is learningto answer to the name of Clara Gale. 

THE FATE OF YOUNG CHUBB

When Mr. Chubb, the elder, returned from Europe, he brought with himfrom Geneva, a miniature musical-box, long and very narrow, andaltogether of hardly greater dimensions, say, then a large pocket-knife. The instrument played four cheerful little tunes, for thebenefit of the Chubb family, and they enjoyed it. Young Henry Chubbenjoyed it to such an extent that one day, just after the machine hadbeen wound up ready for action he got to sucking the end of it, and ina moment of inadvertence it slipped, and he swallowed it. The onlyimmediate consequence of the accident was that a harmonic stomach-achewas organized upon the interior of Henry Chubb and he experienced arestlessness which he well knew would defy the soothing tendencies ofpeppermint and make a mockery of paregoric. 

And Henry Chubb kept his secret in his own soul and in his stomach, also determined to hide his misery from his father, and to spare therod to the spoiled child--spoiled, at any rate, as far as his digestiveapparatus was concerned. 

But that evening, at the supper table, Henry had eaten but one mouthfulof bread, when strains of wild, mysterious music were suddenly waftedfrom under the table. The family immediately made an effort to discoverwhence the sounds came, although Henry Chubb set there filled withagony and remorse and bread and tunes, and desperately asserted hisbelief that the music came from the cellar where the hired girl wasconcealed with a harp. He well knew that Mary Ann was unfamiliar withthe harp, but he was frantic with anxiety to hide his guilt. Thus it isthat one crime leads to another. 

But he could not disguise the truth forever, and that very night, whilethe family was at prayers, Henry all at once began to hiccup, and themusicbox started off without warning, with "way down on the SwaneeRiver, " with variations. Whereupon the paternal Chubb arose from hisknees and grasped Henry kindly but firmly by his hair and shook him up, and inquired what he meant by such conduct. 

And Henry asserted that he was practicing something for a Sunday-schoolcelebration, which old Chubb intimated was a singularly thinexplanation. 

Then they tried to get up that music-box, and every time they wouldseize Henry by the leg and shake him over the sofa-cushion, or wouldpour some fresh variety of emetic down his throat, the instrument wouldgive some fresh sport, and joyously grind out "Listen to the MockingBird, " or "Thou'lt Never Cease to love. "

At last, they were compelled to permit that musical box to remainwithin the sepulchral recesses of the epigastrium of young Chubb. Tosay that the unfortunate victim of the disaster was made miserable byhis condition, would be to express in the feeblest manner the state ofhis mind. The more music there was in his stomach, the wilder and morechaotic became the discord in his soul. As likely as not, it wouldoccur that while he lay asleep in bed in the middle of the night, theworks would begin to revolve, and would play "Home, Sweet Home, " fortwo or three hours, unless the peg happened to slip, when the cylinderwould switch back again to "way down upon the Swanee River" and wouldrattle out that tune with variations and fragments of the scales, untilHenry's brother would kick him out of bed in wild despair, and sit onhim in a vain effort to subdue the serenade, which, how ever, invariably proceeded with fresh vigor when subjected to unusualpressure. 

And when Henry Chubb went to church it frequently occurred that, in thevery midst of the most solemn portion of the sermon, he would feel agentle disturbance under the lower button of his jacket, and presently, when everything was hushed, the undigested engine would give apreliminary buzz, and then reel off "Listen to the Mocking Bird, " and"Thou'lt Never Cease to Love, " and scales and exercises, until theclergyman would stop and glare at Henry over his spectacles, andwhisper to one of the deacons. 

Then the sexton would suddenly tack up the aisle and clutch the unhappyMr. Chubb by the collar, and scud down the aisle again to theaccompaniment of "Home Sweet Home, " and then incarcerate Henry in theupper portion of the steeple until after church. But the end came atlast, and the miserable boy found peace. One day, while he was sittingin school, endeavoring to learn his multiplication table to the tune of"Thou'lt Cease to Love, " his gastric juice triumphed. Something orother in the music-box gave way all at once, the springs were unrolledwith alarming force, and Henry Chubb, as he felt the fragments of theinstruments hurled right and left among his vitals, tumbled over on thefloor and expired. 

At the _post-mortem_ examination they found several pieces of "Home, Sweet Home" in his liver, while one of his lungs was severely torn by afragment of "Way down upon the Swanee river. "

Particles of "Listen to the Mocking Bird" were removed from his heartand breast-bone, and three brass pegs of "Thou'lt Never Cease to Love"were found firmly driven into his fifth rib. 

They had no music at the funeral. They lifted the machinery out of himand buried him quietly in the cemetery. Whenever the Chubbs buy musicalboxes now, they get them as large as a piano, and chain them to thewall. MAX ADLER. 

BOOTS AT THE HOLLY-TREE INN. 

Before the days of railways, and in the time of the old Great NorthRoad, I was once snowed up at the Holly-tree Inn. Beguiling the days ofmy imprisonment there by talking at one time or other with the wholeestablishment, I one day talked with the Boots, when he lingered in myroom. 

Where had he been in his time? Boots repeated when I asked him thequestion. Lord, he had been everywhere! And what had he been? Blessyou, he had been everything you could mention a'most. 

Seen a good deal? Why, of course he had. I should say so, he couldassure me, if I only knew about a twentieth part of what had come in_his_ way. Why, it would be easier for him, he expected, to tell what hehadn't seen than what he had. Ah! A deal, it would. 

What was the most curious thing he had seen? Well! He didn't know. Hecouldn't momently name what was the curiousest thing he had seen, unless it was a Unicorn, --and he see _him_ once at a Fair. But supposinga young gentleman not eight years old was to run away with a young womanof seven, might I think _that_ a queer start? Certainly? Then that was astart as he himself had had his blessed eyes on, and he had cleaned theshoes they run away in, --and they was so little that he couldn't get hishand into 'em. 

Master Harry Walmer's father, you see, he lived at the Elmses, downaway by Shooter's Hill there, six or seven mile from Lunnon. He was agentle man of spirit, and good-looking, and held his head up when hewalked, and had what you may call fire about him. He wrote poetry, andhe rode, and he ran, and he cricketed, and he danced, and he acted, andhe done it all equally beautiful. He was uncommon proud of Master Harryas was his only child; but he didn't spoil him neither. He was agentleman that had a will of his own. And a eye of his own, and thatwould be minded. Consequently, though he made quite a companion of thefine bright boy and was delighted to see him so fond of his fairybooks, and was never tired of hearing him say, my name is Norval, orhearing him sing his songs about Young May Moons is beaming love, andWhen he as adores thee has left but the name, and that; still he keptthe command over the child, and the child _was_ a child, an it's to bewished more of 'em was!

How did Boots happen to know all this? Why, through being under-gardener. Of course he couldn't be under-gardener, and be always about, in the summer time, near the windows on the lawn, a mowing, andsweeping, and weeding, and pruning, and this and that, without gettingacquainted with the ways of the family. Even supposing Master Harryhadn't come to him one morning early, and said, "Cobbs, how should youspell Norah, if you was asked?" and then begun cutting it in print allover the fence. 

He couldn't say that he had taken particular notice of children beforethat: but really it was pretty to see them two mites a going about theplace together, deep in love. And the courage of the boy! Bless yoursoul, he'd have throwed off his little hat, and tucked up his littlesleeves, and gone in at a Lion, he would, if they had happened to meetone, and she been frightened of him. One day he stops, along with her, where Boots was hoeing weeds in the gravel, and says, speaking up, "Cobbs, " he says, "I like _you_. " "Do you, sir? I'm proud to hearit. " "Yes, I do, Cobbs. Why do I like you, do you think, Cobbs?" "Don'tknow, Master Harry, I am sure. " "Because Norah likes you, Cobbs. ""Indeed, sir? that's very gratifying. " "Gratifying, Cobbs? It's betterthan millions of the brightest diamonds to be liked by Norah. ""Certainly, sir. " "You're going away, ain't you, Cobbs?" "Yes, sir. ""Would you like another situation, Cobbs?" "Well, sir, I shouldn'tobject, if it was a good 'un. " "Then, Cobbs, " said he, " you shall beour Head Gardener when we are married. " And he tucks her in her littlesky-blue mantle, under his arm, and walks away. 

Boots could assure me that it was better than a picture, and equal to aplay, to see them babies, with their long, bright, curling hair, theirsparkling eyes, and their beautiful light tread, a rambling about thegarden, deep in love. Boots was of opinion that the birds believed theywas birds, and kept up with 'em, singing to please 'em. Sometimes theywould creep under the Tulip-tree, and would sit there with their armsround one another's necks, and their soft cheeks touching, a readingabout the Prince, and the Dragon, and the good and bad enchanters, andthe king's fair daughter. Sometimes he would hear them planning abouthaving a house in a forest, keeping bees and a cow, and living entirelyon milk and honey. Once he came upon them by the pond, and heard MasterHarry say, "Adorable Norah, kiss me, and say you love me todistraction, or I'll jump in head-foremost. " And Boots made no questionhe would have done it if she hadn't complied. On the whole, Boots saidit had a tendency to make him feel as if he was in love himself, --onlyhe didn't exactly know who with. 

"Cobbs, " said master Harry, one evening, when Cobbs was watering theflowers, "I am going on a visit, this present Midsummer, to mygrandmamma's at York. "

"Are you indeed, sir? I hope you'll have a pleasant time. I am goinginto Yorkshire, myself, when I leave here. "

"Are you going to your grandmamma's, Cobbs?"

"No, sir. I haven't got such a thing. "

"Not as a grandmamma, Cobbs?"

"No, sir. "

The boy looked on at the watering of the flowers for a little while, and then said, "I shall be very glad indeed to go, Cobbs, --Norah'sgoing. "

"You'll be all right then, sir, " says Cobbs, "with your beautifulsweetheart by your side. "

"Cobbs, " returned the boy, flushing, "I never let anybody joke aboutit, when I can prevent them. "

"It wasn't a joke, sir, " says Cobbs, with humility, --"wasn't so meant. "

"I am glad of that, Cobbs, because I like you, you know, and you'regoing to live with us. --Cobbs!"

"Sir. "

"What do you think my grandmama gives me when I go down there?"

"I couldn't so much as make a guess, sir. "

"A Bank of England five-pound note, Cobbs. "

"Whew!" says Cobbs, "that's a spanking sum of money, Master Harry. "

"A person could do a good deal with such a sum of money as that, --couldn't a person, Cobbs?"

"I believe you, sir!"

"Cobbs, " said the boy, "I'll tell you a secret. At Norah's house, theyhave been joking her about me, and pretending to laugh at our beingengaged--pretending to make game of it, Cobbs!"

"Such, sir, " says Cobbs, "is the depravity of human nature. "

The boy, looking exactly like his father, stood for a few minutes withhis glowing face towards the sunset, and then departed with, "Good-night, Cobbs. I'm going in. "

If I was to ask Boots how it happened that he was a going to leave thatplace just at that present time, well, he couldn't rightly answer me. He did suppose he might have stayed there till now if he had beenanyways inclined. But, you see, he was younger then, and he wantedchange. That's what he wanted, --change. Mr. Walmers, he said to himwhen he gave him notice of his intentions to leave, "Cobbs, " he says, "have you anything to complain of? I make the inquiry because if I findthat any of my people really has anything to complain of, I wish tomake it right if I can. " "No, sir, " says Cobbs; "thanking you, sir, Ifind myself as well situated here as I could hope to be anywheres. Thetruth is, sir, that I am going to seek my fortune. " "O, indeed, Cobbs?"he says: "I hope you may find it. " And Boots could assure me--which hedid, touching his hair with his bootjack as a salute in the way of hispresent calling--that he hadn't found it yet. 

Well, sir! Boots left the Elmses when his time was up, and MasterHarry, he went down to the old lady's at York, which old lady wouldhave given that child the teeth out of her head (if she had had any), she was so wrapped up in him. What does that Infant do--but cut awayfrom that old lady's with his Norah, on a expedition to go to GretnaGreen and be married!

Sir, Boots was at this identical Holly-Tree Inn (having left it severaltimes to better himself, but always come back through one thing oranother), when one summer afternoon, the coach drives up, and out ofthe coach gets them two children. The Guard says to our Governor, "Idon't quite make out these little passengers, but the young gentleman'swords was, that they was to be brought here. " The young gentleman getsout; hands his lady out; gives the Guard something for himself; says toour Governor "We're to stop here to-night, please. Sitting-room and twobed-rooms will be required. Chops and cherry pudding for two!" andtucks her, in her little sky-blue mantle, under his arm, and walks intothe house much bolder than Brass. 

Boots leaves me to judge what the amazement of that establishment was, when these two tiny creatures all alone by themselves was marched intothe Angel, --much more so, when he, who had seen them without theirseeing him, give the Governor his views of the expedition they wasupon. "Cobbs, " says the Governor, "if this is so, I must set off myselfto York, and quiet their friends minds. In which case you must keepyour eye upon 'em, and humor 'em, till I come back. But before I takethese measures, Cobbs, I should wish you to find from themselveswhether your opinions is correct. " "Sir, to you, " says Cobbs, "thatshall be done directly. "

So Boots goes up-stairs to the Angel, and there he finds Master Harry, on a enormous sofa, --immense at any time, but looking like the GreatBed of Ware, compared with him, --a drying the eyes of Miss Norah withhis pocket-handkechref. Their little legs was entirely off the ground, of course, and it really is not possible for Boots to express to me howsmall them children looked. 

"It's Cobbs! It's Cobbs!" cried Master Harry, and comes running to him, and catching hold of his hand. Miss Norah comes running to him ont'other side and catching hold of his t'other hand, and they both jumpfor joy. 

"I see you a getting out, sir, " says Cobbs, "I thought it was you. Ithought I couldn't be mistaken in your height and figure. What's theobject of your journey, sir?--Matrimonial?"

"We are going to be married, Cobbs, at Gretna Green, " returned the boy. "We have run away on purpose. Norah has been in rather low spirits, Cobbs; but she'll be happy, now we have found you to be our friend. "

"Thank you, sir, and thank _you_, miss, " says Cobbs, "for your goodopinion. _Did_ you bring any luggage with you, sir!"

If I will believe Boots when he gives me his word and honor upon it, the lady had got a parasol, a smelling-bottle, a round and a half ofcold buttered toast, eight peppermint drops, and a hair-brush, --seemingly a doll's. The gentleman had got about half a dozen yards ofstring, a knife, three or four sheets of writing-paper folded upsurprising small, a orange, and a Chaney mug with his name upon it. 

"What may be the exact nature of your plans, sir?" says Cobbs. 

"To go on, " replied the boy, --which the courage of that boy wassomething wonderful!--"in the morning, and be married to-morrow. "

"Just so, sir, " says Cobbs. "Would it meet your views, sir, if I was toaccompany you?"

When Cobbs said this, they both jumped for joy again, and cried out, "Oyes, yes, Cobbs! Yes!"

"Well, sir, " says Cobbs, "if you will excuse my having the freedom togive an opinion, what I should recommend would be this. I'm acquaintedwith a pony, sir, which, put in a pheayton that I could borrow, wouldtake you and Mrs. Harry Walmers, Junior (myself driving, if youapproved), to the end of your journey in a very short space of time. Iam not altogether sure, sir, that this pony will be at liberty to-morrow, but even if you had to wait over to-morrow for him, it might beworth your while. As to the small account here, sir, in case you was tofind yourself running at all short, that don't signify; because I'm apart proprietor of this inn, and it could stand over. "

Boots assures me that when they clapped their hands, and jumped for joyagain, and called him "Good Cobbs!" and "Dear Cobbs!" and bent acrosshim to kiss one another in the delight of their confiding heart, and hefelt himself the meanest rascal for deceiving 'em that ever was born. 

"Is there any thing you want just at present, sir?" says Cobbs, mortally ashamed of himself. 

"We should like some cake after dinner, " answered Master Harry, foldinghis arms, putting out one leg and looking straight at him, "and twoapples, --and jam. With dinner we should like to have some toast andwater. But Norah has always been accustomed to half a glass of currantwine at dessert. And so have I. "

"It shall be ordered at the bar, sir, " says Cobbs; and away he went. 

Boots has the feeling as fresh upon him at this minute of speaking ashe had then, that he would far rather have it out in half a dozenrounds with the Governor, then have combined with him; and that hewished with all his heart there was any impossible place where thosetwo babies could make an impossible marriage, and live impossibly happyever afterwards. However, as it couldn't be, he went into theGovernor's plans, and the Governor set off for York in half an hour. 

The way in which the women of that house--without exception--every oneof 'em--married _and_ single--took to that boy when they heard thestory, Boots considers surprising. It was as much as he could do tokeep 'em from dashing into the room and kissing him. They climbed upall sorts of places, at the risk of their lives, to look at him througha pane of glass. They were seven deep at the keyhole. Ihey were out oftheir minds about him and his bold spirit. 

In the evening, Boots went into the room to see how the runaway couplewas getting on. The gentleman was on the window-seat, supporting thelady in his arms, she had tears upon her face, and was lying very tiredand half asleep, with her head upon his shoulder. 

"Mrs. Henry Walmers, Junior, fatigued, sir?" says Cobbs. 

"Yes, she is tired, Cobbs: but she is not used to be away from home, and she has been in low spirits again. Cobbs, do you think you couldbring a biffin, please?"

"I ask your pardon, sir, " says Cobbs. "What was it you--?"

"I think a Norfolk biffin would rouse her, Cobbs. She is very fond ofthem. "

Boots withdrew in search of the required restorative, and when hebrought it in, the gentleman handed it to the lady, and fed her with aspoon, and took a little himself; the lady being heavy with sleep, andrather cross. "What should you think, sir, " says Cobbs, "of a chambercandlestick?" The gentleman approved; the chamber-maid went first, upthe great staircase; the lady, in her sky-blue mantle, followed, gallantly escorted by the gentleman; the gentleman embraced her at herdoor, and retired to his own apartment, where Boots softly locked himup. 

Boots couldn't but feel with increased acuteness what a base deceiverhe was, when they consulted him at breakfast (they had ordered sweetmilk-and-water, and toast and currant jelly, over-night), about thepony. It really was as much as he could do, he don't mind confessing tome, to look them two young things in the face, and think what a wickedold father of lies he had grown up to be. Howsomever, he went on alying like a Trojan about the pony. He told 'em that it did sounfort'nately happen that the pony was half clipped, you see, and thathe couldn't be taken out in that state, for fear it should strike tohis inside. But that he'd be finished clipping in the course of theday, and that to-morrow morning at eight o'clock the pheayton would beready. Boots's view of the whole case, looking back upon it in my room, is, that Mrs. Harry Walmers, Junior, was beginning to give in. Shehadn't had her hair curled when she went to bed, and she didn't seemquite up to brushing it herself, and its getting in her eyes put herout. But nothing put out Master Harry. He set behind his breakfast-cup, a tearing away at the jelly, as if he had been his own father. 

After breakfast, Boots is inclined to consider that they drawedsoldiers, --at least, he knows that many such were found in thefireplace, all on horseback. In the course of the morning, Master Harryrang the bell, --it was surprising how that there boy did carry on, --andsaid, in a sprightly way, "Cobbs, is there any good walks in thisneighborhood?"

"Yes, sir, " say Cobbs. "There's Love Lane. "

"Get out with you, Cobbs;"--that was that there boy's expression, --"you're joking. "

"Begging your pardon, sir, " says Cobbs, "there really is Love Lane. Anda pleasant walk it is, and proud shall I be to show it to yourself andMrs. Harry Walmers, Junior. "

"Norah, dear, " said Master Harry, "this is curious. We really ought tosee Love Lane. Put on your bonnet, my sweetest darling, and we will gothere with Cobbs. "

Boots leaves me to judge what a beast he felt himself to be, when thatyoung pair told him, as they jogged along together, that they had madeup their minds to give him two thousand guineas a year as headgardener, on account of his being so true a friend to 'em. Boots couldhave wished at that moment that the earth would have opened andswallered him up, he felt so mean, with their beaming eyes a-looking athim, and believing him. Well, sir, he turned the conversation as wellas he could, and he took 'em down Love Lane to the water-meadows, andthere Master Harry would have drownded himself, in half a moment more, a getting out a water-lily for her, --but nothing daunted that boy. Well, sir, they were tired out. All being so new and strange to 'em, they was tired as tired could be. And they laid down on a bank ofdaisies, like the children of the wood, leastways meadows, and fellasleep. 

Boots don't know--perhaps I do, --but never mind, it don't signifyeither way--why it made a man fit to make a fool of himself to see themtwo pretty babies a lying there in the clear, still, sunny day, notdreaming half so hard when they was asleep as they done when they wasawake. But, Lord! when you come to think of yourself, if you know, andwhat game you have been up to ever since you was in your own cradle, and what a poor sort of a chap you are, and how it's always eitherYesterday with you, or else To-morrow, and never To-day, that's whereit is!

Well, sir, they woke up at last, and then one thing was getting prettyclear to Boots, namely, that Mrs. Harry Walmerses, Junior's temper wason the move. When Master Harry took her round the waist, she said he"teased her so;" and when he says, "Norah, my young May Moon, yourHarry tease you?" she tells him, "Yes; and I want to go home!"

A biled fowl, and baked bread-and-butter pudding, brought Mrs. Walmersup a little; but Boots could have wished, he must privately own to me, to have seen her more sensible of the voice of love, and lessabandoning of herself to currants. However, master Harry, he kept up, and his noble heart was as fond as ever. Mrs. Walmers turned verysleepy about dusk, and began to cry. Therefore, Mrs. Walmers went offto bed as per yesterday; and Master Harry ditto repeated. 

About eleven or twelve at night comes back the Governor in a chaise, along with Mr. Walmers and an elderly lady. Mr. Walmers looks amusedand very serious, both at once, and says to our missis, "We are muchindebted to you, ma'am for your kind care of our little children, whichwe can never sufficiently acknowledge. Pray ma'am, where is my boy?"Our missis says, "Cobbs has the dear child in charge, sir, Cobbs, showForty!" Then he says to Cobbs, "Ah, Cobbs! I am glad to see _you_. I understood you was here!" And Cobbs says, "Yes, sir. Your mostobedient sir. "

I may be surprised to hear Boots say it, perhaps; but Boots assures methat his heart beat like a hammer, going up stairs. "I beg your pardon, sir, " says he, while unlocking the door; "I hope you are not angry withMaster Harry. For Master Harry is a fine boy, sir, and will do youcredit and honor. " And Boots signifies to me, that, if the fine boy'sfather had contradicted him in that daring state of mind in which hethen was, he thinks he should have "fetched him a crack, " and taken theconsquence. 

But Mr. Walmers only says, "No, Cobbs. No, my good fellow. Thank you!"And the door being opened, goes in. Boots goes in too, holding thelight, and he sees Mr. Walmers go up to the bedside, bend gently down, and kiss the little sleeping face. Then he stands looking at it for aminute, looking wonderfully like it (they do say he ran away with Mrs. Walmers); and then he gently shakes the little shoulder. 

"Harry, my dear boy! Harry!"

Master Harry starts up and looks at him. Looks at Cobbs too. Such isthe honor of that mite, that he looks at Cobbs, to see whether he hasbrought him into trouble. 

"I am not angry, my child. I only want you to dress yourself and comehome. "

"Yes, pa. "

Master Harry dresses himself quickly. His breast begins to swell whenhe has nearly finished, and it swells more and more as he stands atlast, a looking at his father: his father standing looking at him, thequiet image of him. 

"Please may I"--the spirit of that little creature, and the way he kepthis rising tears down!--"please dear pa--may I--kiss Norah before Igo?"

"You may, my child. "

So he takes Master Harry by his hand, Boots leads the way with thecandle, and they come to that other bedroom, where the elderly lady isseated by the bed and poor little Mrs. Harry Walmer, Junior, is fastasleep. There the father lifts the child up to the pillow, and he layshis little face down for an instant by the little warm face of poorunconscious little Mrs. Harry Walmers, Junior, and gently draws it tohim--a sight so touching to the chamber-maids who are peeping throughthe door, that one of them calls out, "It's a shame to part 'em!" Butthe chamber-maid was always, as Boots informs me, a soft-hearted one. Not that there was any harm in that girl. Far from it. 

Finally, Boots says, that's all about it. Mr. Walmers drove away in thechaise, having hold of Master Harry's hand. The elderly lady and Mrs. Harry Walmers, Junior, that was never to be (she married a Captain longafterwards, and died in India), went off next day. In conclusion, Bootsputs it to me whether I hold with him in two opinions: firstly, thatthere are not many couples on their way to be married who are half asinnocent of guile as those two children; secondly, that it would be ajolly good thing for a great many couples on their way to be married, if they could only be stopped in time, and brought back separately. 

CHARLES DICKENS. 

THE ENTHUSIAST IN ANATOMY. 

The youth whom we shall call "Tom"--and nothing but "Tom, " was one ofthose individuals who labor with a fierce, burning anxiety to burstthrough the trammels imposed upon them by a limited education, --one ofthose votaries of science, whose energy seems to grow all the more, because it has nothing to feed upon. He was very slightly formed, andhad eyes so bright and shining that when one gazed on him, one wasinclined to overlook all his other thin, sharply defined features. Never was there a more complete appearance of a clear intelligence in acorporeal form. 

The few half-pence which Tom was enabled to save from his scantyearnings at a laborious trade, he regularly expended at the bookstall;and on one occasion was highly delighted at picking up a small book onanatomy. The work was one of those that had long been superseded bymore modern and better treatises, and the little plates were as ill andcoarsely done as possible. Nevertheless, with him it had not thedisadvantage of comparison. He thought it a mine of science yetunexplored, and he suffered his whole soul to be absorbed by it. 

In a few weeks he had transferred the entire contents of the work intohis own brain; and though he invariably carried the book in his pocket, it was more out of respect to it, as an old friend, than from anyfurther benefit to be derived from it. The names of eery bone, cartilage, ligament, and muscle of which he had read, were deeplyimprinted in his mind; and he could have passed with glory through thesharpest examination, provided it had been based on the contents of thelittle book. 

But Tom, in spite of his knowledge, was too intelligent not to perceivethe defective state of his acquirements. He soon felt that his anatomywas after all, a science of names, rather than of things--that thoughhe could have described accurately all the intricate bones of theskull, and all the muscles of the extremities, his descriptions wouldhave been little more than a repetition of words committed to memory. He had not seen a single real object connected with his science. If hecould but have set eyes upon a skeleton, what an advantage it wouldhave been. 

We once read of a celebrated anatomist, who, far from admiring humanbeauty, regarded the skin, as an impertinent obstacle to theacquisition of science, concealing, as it does, the play of themuscles. Whether such a clear notion as this ever entered the mind ofour hero, we cannot say, but certainly if some tall, lean beggar passedhim on the road, he would clutch convulsively at his knife, and followthe man with a sad, wistful look. 

One autumnal evening he sat in the ale-house parlor, watching the smokeof his pipe, and indulging in his own reflections; for though theconversation in the room was noisy and animated, it had no interest forhim. Devoted to his own pursuits, births, deaths and marriages were tohim things of nought, and he paid no heed to the constant discussionswhich were held in the village, on the extraordinary case of oldEbenezer Grindstone, who had been thought extremely rich, but in whosehouse not a farthing had been found after his decease, to the greatdisappointment of his creditors. 

Soon, however, there was such a violent dash of rain against thewindow, that even Tom was compelled to start, when he saw the dooropen, and a stranger enter, completely muffled in a cloak. The newcomer stood before the fire as if to dry himself, and seemed to be ofthe same taciturn disposition as Tom, for he made no answer to thedifferent questions that were addressed to him, nor did he evencondescend to look at the speakers. The shower having ceased, the moonshining brightly through the window, the stranger walked out again, without the sign of leave-taking. 

"That be a queer chap, " said the ostler, "I'll run and see where he'sgoing, " and he followed the stranger, who had awakened a curiosity inevery one except Tom. Scarcely five minutes had elapsed, when theostler rushed into the room, pale as death. 

"Udds buddikins!" said he, and it was not before a glass of spirits hadbeen poured down his throat, that he could state the cause of hisalarm. "Old chap just gone out got no proper face like--only a death'shead--he just looked around on me in the moonlight. "

"Do you mean to say, " exclaimed Tom, "that he is nothing but askeleton?"

"Aye, sure I do, " said the ostler. 

"And which way did he go?"

"Why, towards the church-yard, sure, " said the ostler. Tom waited forno more, but, dashing down his pipe, he rushed out of the room, andtore along the road to the churchyard. When he had got there, he sawthe stranger standing by the tomb of old Ebenezer Grindstone. The moonwas shining full upon him, and, as Tom approached, the cloak fell down, leaving nothing but a bare skeleton before him. 

"Thank my stars!" exclaimed Tom, "I have seen a skeleton at last!"

"Young man!" said the skeleton, in a hollow voice, while it hideouslymoved its jaws, "attend!"

"How beautifully, " cried Tom, enraptured, "can I see the play of thelower maxillary!"

"Attend!" repeated the skeleton; "but, rash man! what are you about?"it added, turning suddenly round. The fact is, Tom was running hisfingers down the vertebrae, and counting to see if their numbercorresponded with that given in his book. "Seven cervical, twelvedorsal!" he cried with immense glee. 

The skeleton lost all patience, and, raising its arm, shook its fistangrily at Tom, who, with his eyes fixed on the elbow, merely shoutedhis joy, at perceiving the "ginglymoid" movement. 

The skeleton, who had been accustomed to terrify other people, wascompletely amazed at the scientific position taken by the younganatomist. In fact, the most extraordinary scene that can be conceivedpresently occurred; for the apparition, feeling panic-struck at Tom'scoolness and scientific spirit, darted away from him, and endeavored toescape by dodging among the tomb-stones. Tom was too anxious to pursuehis studies to allow himself to be baffled in this way; and puttingforth all his strength, soon overtook the skeleton, and held him tight, a conversation ensued, in the course of which the skeleton explainedthat he was old Grindstone himself, who had buried a quantity of moneyunderground, and could not rest in peace till it was dug up anddistributed among the creditors. This office he requested Tom toperform. 

"It will be some trouble, " said Tom, "and the affair is none of mine--but lookye--I'm willing to comply with your request, if, as a reward, you will allow me to come and study you every night for the next month. You may then retire to rest for as long a time as you please. "

"Agreed, " said the skeleton; and, quite recovered from his alarm, heshook hands with Tom in ratification of the bargain. 

Tom found the money, distributed it among the creditors, and passedevery night for the next month in the old churchyard, observing hisbeloved skeleton, which as it moved into any position he desired, gavehim an opportunity of studying the motion of the bones, in a way thathad not been enjoyed by any other anatomist. 

The young enthusiast, sitting at midnight with the strange assistant tohis pursuits, would have been a delightful sight, had any one possessedthe courage to stop and look at the party. When the month had expired, Tom and his good friend shook hands and parted with great regret; butTom had completely retained in his mind all he had seen and laid thefoundation of that profound anatomical science by which he wasafterwards so much distinguished. 

It is needless to add that this is the true account of the early careerof the celebrated Dr. ----, and that all others are baselessfabrications. 

JOHN OXENFORD. 

"THE LIGHT PRINCESS"

CHAPTER I. 

WHAT! NO CHILDREN?

Once upon a time, so long ago that I have quite forgotten the date, there lived a king and queen who had no children. 

"And the king said to himself: 'All the queens of my acquaintance havechildren, some three, some seven, and some as many as twelve; and myqueen has not one. I feel ill-used. ' So he made up his mind to be crosswith his wife about it. But she bore it all like a good, patient queen, as she was. Then the king grew very cross indeed. But the queenpretended to take it all as a joke, and a very good one too. 

"'Why don't you have any daughters, at least?' said he, 'I don't say_sons;_ that might be too much to expect. '

"'I am sure, clear king, I am very sorry, ' said the queen. 

"'So you ought to be, ' retorted the king; 'you are not going to make avirtue of _that_, surely. '

"But he was not an ill-tempered king; and, in any matter of lessmoment, he would have let the queen have her own way, with all hisheart. This, however, was an affair of state. 

"The queen smiled. 

"'You must have patience with a lady, you know, dear king, ' said she. 

"She was, indeed, a very nice queen, and heartily sorry that she couldnot oblige the king immediately. 

"The king tried to have patience, but he succeeded very badly. It wasmore than he deserved, therefore, when, at last, the queen gave him adaughter, --as lovely a little princess as ever cried. "

CHAPTER II. 

WON'T I, JUST?

The day drew near when the infant must be christened. The king wroteall the invitations with his own hand. Of course somebody wasforgotten. 

"Now it does not generally matter, if somebody is forgotten; but youmust mind who. Unfortunately, the king forgot without intending it; andthe chance fell upon the Princess Makemnoit, which was awkward; for theprincess was the king's own sister, and he ought not to have forgottenher. But she made herself so disagreeable to the old king, theirfather, that he had forgotten her in making his will; and so it was nowonder that her brother forgot her in writing his invitations. But poorrelations don't do anything to keep you in mind of them. Why don'tthey? The king could not see into the garret she lived in, could he?She was a sour, spiteful creature. The wrinkles of contempt crossed thewrinkles of peevishness, and made her face as full of wrinkles as a patof butter. If ever a king could be justified in forgetting anybody, this king was justified in forgetting his sister, even at achristening. And then she was so disgracefully poor! She looked veryodd, too. Her forehead was as large as all the rest of her face, andprojected over it like a precipice. When she was angry, her little eyesflashed blue. When she hated anybody, they shone yellow and green. Whatthey looked like when she loved anybody, I do not know; for I neverheard of her loving anybody but herself, and I do not think she couldhave managed that, if she had not somehow got used to herself. But whatmade it highly imprudent in the king to forget her, was--that she wasawfully clever. In fact, she was a witch; and when she bewitchedanybody, he very soon had enough of it: for she beat all the wickedfairies in wickedness, and all the clever ones in cleverness. Shedespised all the modes we read of in history, in which offended fairiesand witches have taken their revenges; and, therefore, after waitingand waiting in vain for an invitation, she made up her mind at last togo without one, and make the whole family miserable, like a princessand a philosopher. 

"She put on her best gown, went to the palace, was kindly received bythe happy monarch, who forgot that he had forgotten her, and took herplace in the procession to the royal chapel. When they were allgathered around the font, she contrived to get next to it, and throwsomething into the water. She maintained a very respectful demeanortill the water was applied to the child's face. But at that moment sheturned round in her place three times, and muttered the followingwords, loud enough for those beside her to hear:--

"Light of spirit, by my charms, Light of body, every part, Never wearyhuman arms--Only crush thy parent's heart!"

"They all thought she had lost her wits, and was repeating some foolishnursery rhyme; but a shudder went through the whole of them. The baby, on the contrary, began to laugh and crow; while the nurse gave a startand a smothered cry, for she thought she was struck with paralysis; shecould not feel the baby in her arms. But she clasped it tight, and saidnothing. 

"The mischief was done. "

CHAPTER III. 

SHE CAN'T BE OURS. 

Her atrocious aunt had deprived the child of all her gravity. If youask me how this was effected, I answer: In the easiest way in theworld. She had only to destroy gravitation. And the princess was aphilosopher, and knew all the _ins_ and _outs_ of the laws ofgravitation as well as the _ins_ and _outs_ of her boot-lace. And beinga witch as well, she could abrogate those laws in a moment, or at leastso clog their wheels and rust their bearings, that they could not workat all. But we have more to do with what followed than with how it wasdone. 

"The first awkwardness that resulted from this unhappy privation wasthat the moment the nurse began to float the baby up and down, she flewfrom her arms towards the ceiling. Happily, the resistance of the airbrought her ascending career to a close within a foot of it. There sheremained, horizontal as when she left her nurse's arms, kicking andlaughing amazingly. The nurse in terror flew to the bell, and beggedthe footman, who answered it, to bring up the house-steps directly. Trembling in every limb, she climbed upon the steps, and had to standupon the very top, and reach up, before she could catch the floatingtail of the baby's long clothes. 

"When the strange fact came to be known, there was a terrible commotionin the palace. The occasion of its discovery by the king was, naturally, a repetition of the nurse's experience. Astonished that hefelt no weight when the child was laid in his arms, he began wave herup and--not down, for she slowly ascended to the ceiling as before, andthere remained floating in perfect comfort and satisfaction, as wastestified by her peals of tiny laughter. The king stood staring up inspeechless amazement and trembled so that his beard shook like grass inthe wind. At last, turning to the queen, who was just as horror-struckas himself, he said, gasping, staring, and stammering:--

"'She _can't_ be ours, queen. '

"Now the queen was much cleverer than the king, and had begun alreadyto suspect that 'this effect defective came by cause. '

"'I am sure she is ours, ' answered she. 'But we ought to have takenbetter care of her at the christening. People who were never invitedought not to have been present. '

"'Oh, ho!' said the king, tapping his forehead with his forefinger, 'Ihave it all. I've found her out. Don't you see it, queen? PrincessMakemnoit has bewitched her. '

"'That's just what I say, ' answered the queen. 

"'I beg your pardon, my love, I did not hear you. John, bring the stepsI get on my throne with. '

"For he was a little king with a great throne, like many other kings. 

"The throne-steps were brought, and set upon the dining-table, and Johngot upon the top of them. But he could not reach the little princess, who lay like a baby-laughter-cloud in the air, exploding continuously. 

"'Take the tongs, John, ' said his majesty, and getting up on the table, he handed them to him. 

"John could reach the baby now, and the little princess was handed downby the tongs. "

CHAPTER IV. 

WHERE IS SHE. 

One fine summer day, a month after these her first adventures, duringwhich time she had been very carefully watched, the princess was lyingon the bed in the queen's own chamber, fast asleep. One of the windowswas open, for it was noon, and the day so sultry that the little girlwas wrapped in nothing less ethereal than slumber itself. The queencame into the room, and, not observing that the baby was on the bed, opened another window. A frolicsome fairy wind, which had been watchingfor a chance of mischief, rushed in at the one window, and, taking itsway over the bed where the child was lying, caught her up, and rollingand floating her long like a piece of flue, or a dandelion-seed, carried her with it through the opposite window, and away. The queenwent downstairs, quite ignorant of the loss she had herself occasioned. When the nurse returned, she supposed that her majesty had carried heroff, and, dreading a scolding delayed making inquiry, about her. But, hearing nothing, she grew uneasy, and went at length to the queen'sboudoir, where she found her majesty. 

"'Please your majesty, shall I take the baby?' said she. 

"'Where is she?' asked the queen. 

"'Please forgive me. I know it was wrong. '

"'What do you mean?' said the queen looking grave. 

"'Oh! don't frighten me, your majesty!' exclaimed the nurse, claspingher hands. 

"The queen saw that something was amiss, and fell down in a faint. Thenurse rushed about the palace, screaming, 'My baby! my baby!'

"Every one ran to the queen's room. But the queen could give no orders. They soon found out, however, that the princess was missing, and in amoment the palace was like a beehive in a garden. But in a minute more, the queen was brought to herself by a great shout and clapping ofhands. They had found the princess fast sleep under a rosebush to whichthe wind puff had carried her, finishing its mischief by shaking ashower of red rose-leaves all over the little white sleeper. Startledby the noise the servants made, she woke; and furious with glee, scattered the rose-leaves in all directions, like a shower of spray inthe sunset. 

"She was watched more carefully after this, no doubt; yet it would beendless to relate all the odd incidents resulting from this peculiarityof the young princess. But there never was a baby in a house, not tosay a palace, that kept a household in such constant good-humor, atleast below stairs. If it was not easy for her nurses to hold her, certainly she did not make their arms ache. And she was so nice to playat ball with! There was positively no danger of letting her fall. Youmight throw her down, or knock her down, or push her down, but but youcouldn't _let_ her down. It is true, you might let her fly intothe fire or the coal-hole, or through the window; but none of theseaccidents had happened as yet. If you heard peals of laughterresounding from some unknown region, you might be sure enough of thecause. Going down into the kitchen, or _the room_ you would findJane and Thomas, and Robert and Susan, all and sum, playing at ballwith the little princess. She was the ball herself and did not enjoy itthe less for that. Away she went, flying from one to another, screeching with laughter. And the servants loved the ball itself bettereven than the game. But they had to take care how they threw her, for, if she received an upward direction, she would never come down with outbeing fetched. "

CHAPTER V. 

WHAT IS TO BE DONE. 

But above stairs it was different. One day, for instance, afterbreakfast, the king went into his counting-house, and counted out hismoney. The operation gave him no pleasure. 

"'To think, ' said he to himself, 'that every one of these goldsovereigns weighs a quarter of an ounce, and my real, live flesh-and-blood princess, weighs nothing at all!'

"And he hated his gold sovereigns, as they lay with a broad smile ofself-satisfaction all over their yellow faces. 

"The queen was in the parlor, eating bread and honey. But at the secondmouthful, she burst out crying, and could not swallow it. The kingheard her sobbing. Glad of anybody, but especially of his queen, toquarrel with, he dashed his gold sovereigns into his money-box, clappedhis crown on his head, and rushed into the parlor. 

"'What is all this about?' exclaimed he. 'What are you crying for, queen?'

"'I can't eat it, ' said the queen, looking ruefully it the honey-pot. 

"'No wonder!' retorted the king. 'You've just eaten your breakfast, --two turkey eggs, and three anchovies. '

"'Oh! that's not it!' sobbed her majesty. It's my child, my child!'

"' Well, what's the matter with your child? She's neither up thechimney nor down the draw-well. Just hear her laughing. Yet the kingcould not help a sigh, which he tried to turn into a cough, saying:--

"'It is a good thing to be light-hearted, I am sure, whether she beours or not. '

"'It is a bad thing to be light-headed, answered the queen, looking, with prophetic soul, far into the future. 

"'Tis a good thing to be light-handed, ' said the king. 

"'Tis a bad thing to be light-fingered, ' answered the queen. 

"'Tis a good thing to be light-footed, ' said the king. 

"'Tis a bad thing, ' began the queen; but the king interrupted her. 

"'In fact. ' said he, with the tone of one who concludes an argument inwhich he has had only imaginary opponents, and in which, therefore, hehas come off triumphant, --'in fact, it is a good thing altogether to belight-bodied. '

"'But it is a bad thing altogether to be light-minded. ' retorted thequeen, who was beginning to lose her temper. 

"This last answer quite discomfited his majesty, who turned on hisheel, and betook himself to his counting-house again. But he was nothalf-way towards it, when the voice of his queen, overtook him:--

"'And it's a bad thing to be light-haired, " screamed she, determined tohave more last words, now that her spirit was roused. 

"The queen's hair was black as night; and the king's had been, and hisdaughter's was golden as morning. But it was not this reflection on hishair that troubled him; it was the doubled use of the word _light_. Forthe king hated all witticisms, and punning especially. And besides hecould not tell whether the queen meant light-_haired_ or light-_heired_;for why might she not aspirate her vowels when she was ex-asperatedherself?"

"He turned upon his other heel, and rejoined her. She looked angrystill, because she knew that she was guilty, or, what was much thesame, knew that he thought so. 

"'My dear queen, ' said he, 'duplicity of any sort is exceedinglyobjectionable between married people, of any rank, not to say kings andqueens; and the most objectionable form it can assume is that ofpunning. '

"'There!' said the queen, 'I never made a jest, but I broke it in themaking. I am the most unfortunate woman in the world!'

"She looked so rueful, that the king took her in his arms; and they satdown to consult. 

"'Can you bear this?' said the king. 

"'No I can't, ' said the queen. 

"'Well, what is to be done?' said the king. 

"'I'm sure I don't know, ' said the queen. 'But might you not try anapology?'

"To my old sister, I suppose you mean?' said the king. 

"'Yes, ' said the queen. 

"'Well, I don't mind, ' said the king. 

"So he went the next morning to the garret of the princess, and, makinga very humble apology, begged her to undo the spell. But the princessdeclared, with a very grave face, that she knew nothing at all aboutit. Her eyes, however, shone pink, which was a sign that she was nothappy. She advised the king and queen to have patience, and to mendtheir ways. The king returned disconsolate. The queen tried to comforthim. 

"'We will wait till she is older. She may then be able to suggestsomething. She will know at least how she feels, and explain things tous. 

"'But what if she should marry!' exclaimed the king, in suddenconsternation at the idea. 

"'Well, what of that?' rejoined the queen. 

"'Just think? If she were to have any children! In the course of ahundred years the air might be as full of floating children as ofgossamers in autumn. '

"'That is no business of ours, ' replied the queen. 'Besides, by thattime, they will have learned to take care of themselves. '

"A sigh was the king's only answer. 

"He would have consulted the court physicians; but he was afraid theywould try experiments upon her. "

CHAPTER VI. 

SHE LAUGHS TOO MUCH. 

Meantime, notwithstanding awkward occurrences, and griefs that shebrought her parents to, the little princess laughed and grew, --not fat, but plump and tall. She reached the age of seventeen, without havingfallen into any worse scrape than a chimney; by rescuing her fromwhich, a little bird-nesting urchin got fame and a black face. Nor, thoughtless as she was, had she committed any thing worse than laughterat everybody and everything that came in her way. When she heard thatGeneral Clanrunfort was cut to pieces with all his forces she laughed;when she heard that the enemy was on his way to besiege her papa'scapital, she laughed hugely; but when she heard that the city wouldmost likely be abandoned to the mercy of the enemy's soldiery, --whythen she laughed immoderately. These were merely reports invented forthe sake of experiment. But she never could be brought to see theserious side of anything. When her mother cried she said:--

"'What queer faces mamma makes! And she squeezes water out her cheeks?Funny mamma!'

"And when her papa stormed at her, she laughed, and danced round andround him, clapping her hands, and crying:--

"'Do it again, papa. Do it again! It's such fun. Dear funny papa!'

"And if he tried to catch her, she glided from him in an instant; notin the least afraid of him, but thinking it part of the game not to becaught. With one push of her foot, she would be floating in the airabove his head; or she would go dancing backwards and forwards andsideways, like a great butterfly. It happened several times, when herfather and mother were holding a consultation about her in private, that they were interrupted by vainly repressed outbursts of laughterover their heads; looking up with indignation, saw her floating at fulllength in the air above them, whence she regarded them with the mostcomical appreciation of the position. 

"One day an awkward accident happened. The princess had come out uponthe lawn with one of her attendants, who held her by the hand. Spyingher father at the other side of the lawn, she snatched her hand fromthe maid's and sped across to him. Now when she wanted to run alone hercustom was to catch up a stone in each hand, so that she might comedown again after a bound. Whatever she wore as part of her attire hadno effect in this way; even gold, when it thus became as it were a partof herself, lost all its weight for the time. But whatever she onlyheld in her hands retained its downward tendency. On this occasion shecould see nothing to catch up, but a huge toad, that was walking acrossthe lawn as if he had a hundred years to do it in. Not knowing whatdisgust meant, for this was one of her peculiarities, she snatched upthe toad, and bounded away. She had almost reached her father, and hewas holding out his arms to receive her and take from her lips the kisswhich hovered on them like butterfly on a rosebud, when a puff of windblew her aside into the arms of a young page, who had just beenreceiving a message from his majesty. Now it was no great peculiarityin the princess that once she was set a-going, it always cost her timeand trouble to check herself. On this occasion there was no time. She_must_ kiss, --and she kissed the page. She did not mind it much;for she had no shyness on his composition; and she knew, besides, thatshe could not help it. So she only laughed like a musical-box. The poorpage fared the worst. For the princess, trying to correct theunfortunate tendency of the kiss, put out her hands to keep her off thepage; so that, along with the kiss, he received on the other cheek aslap with a huge black toad, which she poked right into his eye. Hetried to laugh too; but it resulted in a very odd contortion ofcountenance, which showed that there was no danger of him pluminghimself on the kiss. Indeed it is not safe to be kissed by princesses. As for the king, his dignity was greatly hurt, and he did not speak tothe page for a whole month. 

"I may here remark that it was very amusing to see her run, if her modeof progression could properly be called running. For first, she wouldmake a bound; then having alighted, she would run a few steps, and makeanother bound. Sometimes she would fancy she had reached the groundbefore she actually had, and her feet would go backwards and forwards, running upon nothing at all, like those of a chicken on its back. Thenshe would laugh like the very spirit of fun; only in her laugh therewas something missing. What it was I find myself unable to describe. Ithink it was a certain tone, depending upon the possibility ofsorrow, --_morbidezza_, perhaps. She never smiled. "

CHAPTER VII. 

TRY METAPHYSICS. 

After a long avoidance of the painful subject, the king and queenresolved to hold a counsel of three upon it; and so they sent for theprincess. In she came, sliding and flitting and gliding from one pieceof furniture to another, and put herself at last in an arm chair, in asitting posture. Whether she could be said _to sit, _ seeing shereceived no support from the seat of the chair, I do not pretend todetermine. 

"'My dear child, ' said the king, you must be aware that you are notexactly like other people. '

"'O you dear funny papa! I have got a nose and two eyes and all therest. So have you. So has mamma. '

"'Now be serious, my dear, for once, ' said the queen. 

"'No, thank you, mamma; I had rather not. '

"'Would you not like to be able to walk like other people?' said theking. 

"'No indeed, I should think not. You only crawl. You are such slowcoaches!

"'How do you feel, my child?' he resumed, after a pause ofdiscomfiture. 

"'Quite well, thank you. '

"'I mean, what do you feel like?'

"'Like nothing at all, that I know of. '

"'You must feel like something. '

"'I feel like a princess, with such a funny papa and such a dear pet ofa queen-mamma!'

"'Now really!" began the queen; but the princess interrupted her

"'Oh! yes, ' she added, 'I remember. I have a curious feeling sometimes, as if I were the only person that had any sense in the whole world. '

"She had been trying to behave herself with dignity; but now she burstinto a violent fit of laughter, threw herself backwards over the chair, and went rolling about the floor in an ecstasy of enjoyment. The kingpicked her up easier than one does a down quilt, and replaced her onher former relation to the chair. The exact preposition expressing thisrelation I do not happen to know. 

"'Is there nothing you wish for?' resumed the king, who had learned bythis time that it was quite useless to be angry with her. 

"'O you dear papa!--yes, ' answered she. 

"'What is it, my darling?'

"'I have been longing for it, --oh such a time; Ever since last night. '

"'Tell me what it is. '

"'Will you promise to let me have it?'

"The king was on the point of saying _yes_; but the wiser queen checkedhim with a single motion of her head. 

"'Tell me what it is first? said he. 

"'No, no. Promise first'

"'I dare not What is it?'

"'Mind I hold you to your promise. It is--to be tied to the end of astring, --a very long string indeed, and be flown like a kite. Oh, suchfun! I would rain rose-water, and hail sugar-plums, and snow whipt-cream, and, and, and--'

"A fit of laughing checked her; and she would have been off again, overthe floor, had not the king started up and caught her just in time. Seeing that nothing but talk could be got out of her, he rang the bell, and sent her away with two of her ladies-in-waiting. 

"'Now, queen, ' he said, turning to her majesty, 'what is to be done?'

"'There is but one thing left, ' answered she. 'Let us consult thecollege of metaphysicians. '

"'Bravo?' cried the king; 'we will. '

"Now at the head of this college were two very wise Chinesephilosophers, by name, Hum-Drum, and Kopy-Keck. For them the king went, and straight-way they came. In a long speech, he communicated to themwhat they knew very well already, --as who did not?--namely, thepeculiar condition of his daughter in relation to the globe on whichshe dwelt and requested them to consult together as to what might bethe cause and probable cure of her _infirmity_. The king laidstress upon the word, but failed to discover his own pun. The queenlaughed; but Hum-Drum and Kopy-Keck heard with humility and retired insilence. Their consultation consisted chiefly in propounding andsupporting, for the thousandth time, each his favorite theories. Forthe condition of the princess afforded delightful scope for thediscussion of every question arising from the the division of thought, --in fact of all the Metaphysics of the Chinese Empire. But it is onlyjustice to say that they did not altogether neglect the discussion ofthe practical question, _what was to be done?_

"Hum-Drum was a Materialist, and Kopy-Keck was a Spiritualist. Theformer was slow and sententious; the latter was quick and flighty; thelatter had generally the first word; the former the last. 

"'I assert my former assertion. ' began Kopy-Keck, with a plunge. 'Thereis not a fault in the princess, body, or soul; only they are wrong puttogether. Listen to me now, Hum-Drum, and I will tell in brief what Ithink. Don't speak. Don't answer me. I _won't_ hear you till Ihave done. At that decisive moment, when souls seek their appointedhabitations, two eager souls met, rebounded, lost their way, andarrived each at the wrong place. The soul of the princess was one ofthose, and she went far astray. She does not belong by rights to thisworld at all, but to some other planet, probably Mercury. Herproclivity to her true sphere destroys all the natural influence whichthis orb would otherwise possess over her corporeal frame. She caresfor nothing here. There is no relation between her and this world. 

"'She must therefore be taught, by the sternest compulsion, to take aninterest in the earth as the earth. She must study every department ofits history, --its animal history; its vegetable history; its mineralhistory; its social history; its moral history; its political history;its scientific history; its literary history; its musical history; itsartistical history; above all, its metaphysical history. She must beginwith the Chinese Dynasty, and end with Japan. But, first of all, shemust study Geology, and especially the history of the extinct races ofanimals, --their natures, their habits their loves, their hates theirrevenges. She must--'

"'Hold, h-o-o-old!' roared Hum-Drum. 'It is certainly my turn now. Myrooted and insubvertible conviction is that the cause of the anomaliesevident in the princess' condition are strictly and solely physical. But that is only tantamount to acknowledging that they exist. Hear myopinion. From some cause or other, of no importance to our inquiry, themotion of her heart has been reversed. That remarkable combination ofthe suction and the force pump works the wrong way, --I mean in the caseof the unfortunate princess: it draws in where it should force out, andforces out where it should draw in. The offices of the auricles and theventricles are subverted. The blood is sent forth by the veins, andreturns by the arteries. Consequently it is running the wrong waythrough all her corporeal organism, --lungs and all. Is it then at allmysterious, seeing that such is the case, that on the other particularof gravitation as well, she should differ from normal humanity? Myproposal for the cure is this:--

"'Phlebotomize until she is reduced to the last point of safety. Let itbe effected, if necessary, in a warm bath. When she is reduced to astate of perfect asphyxia, apply a ligature to the left ankle, drawingit as tight as the bone will bear. Apply, at the same moment, anotherof equal tension around the right wrist. By means of plates constructedfor the purpose, place the other foot and hand under the receivers oftwo air-pumps. Exhaust the receivers. Exhibit a pint of French brandy, and await the result. '

"'Which would presently arrive in the form of grim Death, said Kopy-Keck. 

"'If it should, she would yet die in doing our duty, ' retorted Hum-Drum. 

"But their majesties had too much tenderness for their volatileoffspring to subject her to either of the schemes of the equallyunscrupulous philosophers. Indeed, the most complete knowledge of thelaws of nature would have been unserviceable in her case; for it wasimpossible to classify her. She was a fifth imponderable body, sharingall the other properties of the ponderable. "

CHAPTER VIII. 

TRY A DROP OF WATER. 

Perhaps the best thing for the princess would have been falling inlove. But how a princess who had no gravity at all could fall intoanything, is a difficulty, perhaps the difficulty. As for her ownfeelings on the subject, she did not even know that there was such abeehive of honey and stings, to be fallen into. And now I come tomention another curious fact about her. 

"The palace was built on the shore of the loveliest lake in the world, and the princess loved this lake more than father or mother. The rootof this preference, no doubt, --although the princess did not recognizeit as such, --was that the moment she got into it, she recovered thenatural right of which she had been so wickedly deprived, --namely, gravity. Whether this was owing to the fate that water had beenemployed as the means of conveying the injury, I do not know. But it iscertain that she could swim and dive like the duck that her old nursesaid she was. The way that this alleviation of her misfortune wasdiscovered, was as follows: One summer evening, during the carnival ofthe country, she had been taken upon the lake by the king and queen, inthe royal barge. They were accompanied by many of the courtiers in afleet of little boats. In the middle of the lake, she wanted to getinto the lord chancellor's barge, for his daughter, who was a greatfavorite with her, was in with her father, The old king rarelycondescended to make light of his misfortune, but on this occasion hehappened to be in a particularly good-humor, and as the bargesapproached each other, he caught up the princess to throw her into thechancellor's barge. He lost his balance, however, and dropping into thebottom of the barge, lost his hold of his daughter, not, however, before imparting to her the downward tendency of his own person, thoughin a somewhat different directions for as the king fell into the boat, she fell into the water. With a burst of delighted laughter, shedisappeared in the lake. A cry of horror ascended from the boats. Theyhad never seen the princess go down before. Half the men were underwater in a moment, but they had all, one after another, come up to thesurface again for breath, when, --tinkle, tinkle, babble and gush, camethe princess' laugh over the water from far away. There she was, swimming like a swan. Nor would she come out for king or queen, chancellor or daughter. But though she was obstinate, she seemed moresedate than usual. Perhaps that was because a great pleasure spoilslaughing. After this the passion of her life was to get into the water, and she was always the better behaved and the more beautiful, the moreshe had of it. Summer and winter it was all the same, only she couldnot stay quite so long in the water when they had to break the ice tolet her in. Any day, from morning till evening, she might be descried, --a streak of white in the blue water, --lying as still as the shadow ofa cloud, or shooting along like a dolphin, disappearing, and coming upagain far off, just where one did not expect her. She would have beenin the lake of a night too, if she could have had her way, for thebalcony of her window overhung a deep pool in it, and through a shallowreedy passage she could have swum out into the wide wet water, and noone would have been any the wiser. Indeed, when she happened to wake inthe moonlight, she could hardly resist the temptation. But there wasthe sad difficulty of getting into it. She had as great a dread of theair as some children have of water. For the slightest gush of windwould blow her away, and a gust might arise in the stillest moment. And, if she gave herself a push towards the water and just failed ofreaching it, her situation would be dreadfully awkward, irrespective ofthe wind, for at best there she would have to remain, suspended in hernightgown till she was seen and angled for by somebody from the window. 

"'Oh! if I had my gravity, ' thought she, contemplating the water, 'Iwould flash off this balcony like a long white sea-bird, headlong intothe darling wetness. Heigh-ho!'

"This was the only consideration that made her wish to be like otherpeople. 

"Another reason for being fond of the water was, that, in it alone, sheenjoyed any freedom. For she could not walk out without a cortege, consisting in part of a troop of light horse, for fear of the libertieswhich the wind might take with her. And the king grew more apprehensivewith increasing years, till, at last, he would not allow her to walkabroad without some twenty silken cords fastened to as many parts ofher dress, and held by twenty noblemen. Of course horseback was out ofthe question. But she bade good by to all this ceremony, when she gotinto the water. So remarkable were its effects upon her, especialy, inrestoring her for the time to the ordinary human gravity, that, strangeto say, Hum-Drum and Kopy-Keck agreed in recommending the king to buryher alive for three years, in the hope that, as the water had done herso much good, the earth would do her yet more. But the king had somevulgar prejudices against the experiment, and would not give consent. Foiled in this, they yet agreed in another recommendation, which, seeing that the one imported his opinions from China and the other fromThibet, was very remarkable indeed. They said, that if water ofexternal origin and application could be so efficatious, water from adeeper source might work a perfect cure; in short, that if the poor, afflicted princess could by any means be made to cry, she might recoverher lost gravity. 

"But how was this to be brought about? Therein lay the difficulty. Thephilosophers were not wise enough for this. To make the princess crywas as impossible as to make her weigh. They sent for a professionalbeggar, commanded him to prepare his most touching oracle of woe, helped him, out of the court charity-box, to whatever he wanted fordressing up, and promised great rewards in the event of his success. But it was all in vain. She listened to the mendicant artist's story, and gazed at his marvellous make-up till she could contain herself nolonger, and went into the most undignified contortions for relief, shrieking, --positively screeching with laughter. 

"When she had a little recovered herself, she ordered her attendants todrive him away, and not give him a single copper; whereupon his look ofmortified discomfiture wrought her punishment and his revenge, for itsent her into violent hysterics, from which she was with difficultyrecovered. 

"But so anxious was the king that the suggestion should have a fairtrial, that he put himself in a rage one day, and rushing up to herroom, gave her an awful whipping. But not a tear would flow. She lookedgrave, and her laughing sounded uncommonly like screaming, --that wasall. The good old tyrant, though he put on his best gold spectacles tolook, could not discover the smallest cloud in the serene blue of hereyes. "

CHAPTER IX. 

PUT ME IN AGAIN. 

It must have been about this time that the son of a king, who lived athousand miles from Lagobel, set out to look for the daughter of aQueen. He travelled far and wide but as sure as he found a princess hefound some fault with her. Of course he could not marry a mere woman, however beautiful; and there was no princess to be found worthy of him. Whether the prince was so near perfection that he had a right to demandperfection itself, I cannot pretend to say. All I know is, that he wasa fine, handsome, brave, generous, well-bred and well-behaved youth, asall princes are. 

"In his wanderings, he had come across some reports about our princess;but, as everybody said she was bewitched, he never dreamed that shecould bewitch him. For what indeed could a prince do with a princessthat had lost her gravity? Who could tell what she might not lose next?She might lose her visibility, or her tangibility; or, in short, thepower of making impressions upon the radical sensorium; so that heshould never be able to tell whether she was dead or alive. Of course, he made no further inquiries about her. 

"One day he lost sight of his retinue in a great forest. These forestsare very useful in delivering princes from their courtiers, like asieve that keeps back the bran. Then the princes get away to followtheir fortunes. In this, they have the advantage of the princesses, whoare forced to marry before they have had a bit of fun. I wish ourprincesses got lost in a forest sometimes. 

"One lovely evening, after wandering about for many days, he found thathe was approaching the outskirts of this forest; for the trees had gotso thin that he could see the sunset through them; and he soon cameupon a kind of heath. Next, he came upon signs of human neighborhood;but, by this time it was getting late, and there was nobody in thefields to direct him. 

"After travelling for another hour, his horse, quite worn out with longlabor and lack of food, fell, and was unable to rise again. So hecontinued his journey on foot. At length, he entered another wood, --nota wild forest, but a civilized wood, through which a footpath led himto the side of a lake. Along this path, the prince pursued his waythrough the gathering darkness. Suddenly, he paused, and listened. Strange sounds came across the water. It was, in fact, the princesslaughing. Now, there was something odd in her laugh, as I have alreadyhinted; for the hatching of a real hearty laugh requires the incubationof gravity; and, perhaps, this was how the prince mistook the laughterfor screaming. Looking over the lake, he saw something white in thewater; and, in an instant, he had torn off his tunic, kicked off hissandals, and plunged in. He soon reached the white object, and foundthat it was a woman. There was not light enough to show that she was aprincess, but quite enough to show that she was a lady, for it does notwant much light to see that. 

"Now, I cannot tell how it came about, --whether she pretended to bedrowning, or whether he frightened her, or caught her so as to embarassher; but certainly he brought her to shore in a fashion ignominious toa swimmer, and more nearly drowned than she ever expected to be; forthe water had got into her throat as often as she had tried to speak. 

"At the place to which he bore her, the bank was only a foot or twoabove the water, so he gave her a strong lift out of the water, to layher on the bank. But, her gravitation ceasing the moment she left thewater, away she went, up into the air, scolding and screaming:--

"'You naughty, _naughty_, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY, man!'

"No one had ever succeeded in putting her into a passion before. Whenthe prince saw her ascend he thought he must have been bewitched, andhave mistaken a great swan for a lady. But the princess caught hold ofthe topmost cone upon a lofty fir. This came off; but she caught atanother, and in fact, stopped herself by gathering cones, dropping themas the stalks gave way. The prince, meantime, stood in the water, forgetting to get out. But the princess disappearing, he scrambled onshore, and went in the direction of the tree. He found her climbingdown one of the branches, towards the stem. But in the darkness of thewood, the prince continued in some bewilderment as to what thephenomenon could be; until, reaching the ground, and seeing himstanding there, she caught hold of him, and said:--

"'I'll tell papa. '

"'Oh, no, you won't!' rejoined the prince. 

"'Yes, I will, ' she persisted. 'What business had you to pull me downout of the water, and throw me to the bottom of the air? I never didyou any harm. '

"'I am sure I did not mean to hurt you. '

"'I don't believe you have any brains; and that is a worse loss thanyour wretched gravity. I pity you. '

"The prince now saw that he had come upon the bewitched princess, andhad already offended her. Before he could think what to say next, theprincess, giving a stamp with her foot that would have sent her aloftagain, but for the hold she had of his arm, said angrily:

"'Put me up directly. '

"'Put you up where, you beauty?' asked the prince. 

"He had fallen in love with her, almost, already; for her anger madeher more charming than anyone else had ever beheld her; and, as far ashe could see, which certainly was not far, she had not a single faultabout her, except, of course, that she had no gravity. A prince, however, must be incapable of judging of a princess by weight. Theloveliness of a foot, for instance, is hardly to be estimated by thedepth of the impression it can make in mud!

"'Put you up where, you beauty?' said the prince. 

"'In the water, you stupid!' answered the princess. "'Come, then, ' saidthe prince. 

"The condition of her dress, increasing her usual difficulty inwalking, compelled her to cling to him; and he could hardly persuadehimself that he was not in a delightful dream, notwithstanding thetorrent of musical abuse with which she overwhelmed him. The princebeing in no hurry, they reached the lake at quite another part, wherethe bank was twenty-five feet high at least. When they stood at theedge, the prince, turning towards the princess, said:--

"'How am I to put you in?'

"'That is your business, ' she answered, quite snappishly. 'You took meout, --put me in again. '

"'Very well, ' said the prince; and, catching her up in his arms, hesprang with her from the rock. The princess had just time to give onedelightful shriek of laughter before the water closed over them. Whenthey came to the surface, the princess, for a moment or two, could noteven laugh, for she had gone down with such a rush, that it was withdifficulty that she recovered her breath. The moment they reached thesurface:--

"'How do you like falling in?' said the prince. 

"After a few efforts, the princess panted out:--

"'Is that what you call _falling in_?'

"'Yes, ' answered the prince, 'I should think it a very tolerablespecimen. '

"'It seemed to me like going up, ' rejoined she. 

"'My feeling was certainly one of elevation, too, ' the prince conceded. 

"The princess did not appear to understand him, for she retorted hisfirst question:--

"'How do _you_ like falling in?'

"'Beyond everything, ' answered he; 'for I have fallen in with the onlyperfect creature I ever saw. '

"'No more of that; I am tired of it, ' said the princess. 

"Perhaps she shared her father's aversion to punning. 

"'Don't you like falling in, then?' said the prince. 

"'It is the most delightful fun I ever had in my life, ' answered she. 'I never fell before. I wish I could learn. To I think I am the onlyperson in my father's kingdom that can't fall!'

"Here the poor princess looked almost sad. 

"'I shall be most happy to fall in with you any time you like, ' saidthe prince devotedly. 

"'Thank you. I don't know. Perhaps it would not be proper. But I don'tcare. At all events, as we have fallen in, let us have a swimtogether. '

"' With all my heart, ' said the prince. 

"And away they went, swimming, and diving, and floating, until at lastthey heard cries along the shore, and saw lights glancing in alldirections. It was now quite late, and there was no moon. 

"'I must go home, ' said the princess. 'I am very sorry, for this isdelightful. '

"'So am I, ' responded the prince. 'But I am glad I haven't a home to goto, --at least, I don't exactly know where it is. '

"'I wish I hadn't one either, ' rejoined the princess: 'it is so stupid!I have a great mind, ' she continued, 'to play them all a trick. Whycouldn't they leave me alone? They won't trust me in the lake for asingle night! You see where that green light is burning? That is thewindow of my room. Now if you would just swim there with me veryquietly, and when we are all but under the balcony, give me such apush--_up_ you call it--as you did a little while ago, I should beable to catch hold of the balcony, and get in at the window; and thenthey may look for me till to-morrow morning!'

"With more obedience than pleasure, " said the prince, gallantly; andaway they swam, very gently. 

"'Will you be in the lake tomorrow night?' the prince ventured to ask. 

"'To be sure I will. I don't think so. Perhaps, '--was the princess'somewhat strange answer. 

"But the prince was intelligent enough not to press her further; andmerely whispered, as he gave her the parting lift: 'Don't tell. ' Theonly answer the princess returned was a roguish look. She was already ayard above his head. The look seemed to say: 'Never fear. It is toogood fun to spoil that way. '

"So perfectly like other people had she been in the water, that evenyet the prince could scarcely believe his eyes when he saw her ascendslowly, grasp the balcony, and disappear through the window. He turned, almost expecting to see her still by his side. But he was alone in thewater. So he swam away quietly, and watched the lights roving about theshore for hours after the princess was safe in her chamber. As soon asthey disappeared he landed in search of his tunic and sword, and aftersome trouble, found them again. Then he made the best of his way roundthe lake to the other side. There the wood was wilder, and the shoresteeper, --rising more immediately towards the mountains whichsurrounded the lake on all sides, and kept sending it messages ofsilvery streams from morning to night, and all night long. He soonfound a spot whence he could see the green light in the princess' room, and where, even in the broad daylight, he would be in no danger ofbeing discovered from the opposite shore. It was a sort of cave in therock, where he provided himself a bed of withered leaves, and lay downtoo tired for hunger to keep him awake. All night long he dreamed thathe was swimming with the princess. "

CHAPTER X. 

LOOK AT THE MOON. 

Early the next morning, the prince set out to look for something toeat, which he soon found at a forester's hut, where, for many followingdays, he was supplied with all that a brave prince could considernecessary. And, having plenty to keep him alive for the present, hewould not think of wants not yet in existence. Whenever Care intruded, this prince always bowed him out in the most princely manner. 

"When he returned from his breakfast to his watch-cave, he saw theprincess already floating about in the lake, attended by the king andqueen, --whom he knew by their crowns, --and a great company in lovelylittle boats, with canopies of all the colors of the rainbow, and flagsand streamers of a great many more. It was a very bright day, and soonthe prince, burned up with the heat, began to long for the water andthe cool princess. But he had to endure till the twilight; for theboats had provisions on board, and it was not till the sun went down, that the gay party began to vanish. Boat after boat drew away to theshore, following that of the king and queen, till only one, apparentlythe princess' own boat, remained. But she did not want to go home evenyet, and the prince thought he saw her order the boat to the shorewithout her. At all events, it rowed away; and now, of all the radiantcompany, only one white speck remained. Then the prince began to sing. 

"And this was what he sang:

 "Lady fair, Swan-white, Lift thine eyes, Banish night By the might Of thine eyes. Snowy arms, Oars of snow, Oar her hither. Flashing low, Soft and slow, Oar her hither

 "Stream behind her O'er the lake, Radiant whiteness! In her wake Following, following for her sake, Radiant whiteness!

 "Cling about her, Waters blue; Part not from her, But renew Cold and true Kisses round her. Lap me round, Waters sad That have left her; Make me glad, For he had Kissed her ere ye left her. 

"Before he had finished his song, the princess was just under theplace where he sat, and looking up to find him. Her ears had led hertruly. 

"'Would you like a fall, princess?' said the prince, looking down. 

"'Ah! there you are. Yes, if you please, prince, ' said the princesslooking up. 

"How do you know I am a prince, princess, ' said the prince. 

"'Because you are a very nice young man, prince, said the princess. 

"'Come up then, princess. '

"'Fetch me, prince. '

"Then the prince took off his scarf, then his sword-belt, then histunic, and tied them all together, and let them down. But the line wasfar too short. He unwound his turban, and added it to the rest, when itwas all but long enough, and his purse completed it. The princess justmanaged to lay hold of the knot of money, and was beside him in amoment. This rock was much higher than the other, and the splash andthe dive were tremendous. The princess was in ecstasies of delight andtheir swim was delicious. 

"Night after night, they met, and swam about in the dark, clear lake, where such was the prince's delight, that (whether the princess' way oflooking at things infected him, or he was actually getting light-headed) he often fancied that he was swimming in the sky instead of thelake. But when he talked about being in heaven, the princess laughed athim dreadfully. 

"When the moon came, she brought them fresh pleasure. Everything lookedstrange and new in her light, with an old, withered, yet unfadingnewness. When the moon was nearly full, one of their great delightswas, to dive deep in the water, and then, turning round, look upthrough it at the great blot of light close above them, shimmering andtrembling and wavering, spreading and contracting, seeming to meltaway, and again grow solid. Then they would shoot up through it; andlo! there was the moon, far off, clear and steady and cold, and verylovely, at the bottom of a deeper and bluer lake than theirs, as theprincess said. 

"The prince soon found out that, while in the water, the princess wasvery like other people. And, besides this, she was not so forward inher questions, or pert in her replies at sea as on shore. Neither didshe laugh so much; and when she did laugh it was more gently. Sheseemed altogether more modest and maidenly in the water than out of it. But when the prince, who had really fallen in love when he fell in thelake, began to talk to her about love, she always turned her headtowards him and laughed. After a while, she began to look puzzled, asif she were trying to understand what he meant, but could not--revealing a notion that he meant something. But as soon as ever sheleft the lake, she was so altered, that the prince said to himself: 'IfI marry her, I see no help for it, we must turn merman and mermaid, andgo out to sea once. "

CHAPTER XI. 

HISS!

The princess' pleasure in the lake had grown to a passion, and shecould scarcely bear to be out of it for an hour. Imagine, then, herconsternation, when, diving with the prince one night, a suddensuspicion seized her, that the lake was not so deep as it used to be. The prince could not imagine what had happened. She shot to the surfaceand, without a word, swam at full speed towards the higher side of thelake. He followed, begging to know if she was ill, or what was thematter. She never turned her head, or took the smallest notice of hisquestion. Arrived at the shore she coasted the rocks with minuteinspection. But she was not able to come to a conclusion, for the moonwas very small, and so she could not see well. She turned therefore andswam home, without saying a word to explain her conduct to the prince, of whose presence she seemed no longer conscious. He withdrew to hiscave, in great perplexity and distress. 

"Next day she made many observations, which, alas! strengthened herfears. She saw that the banks were too dry, and that the grass on theshore and the trailing plants on the rocks were withering away. Shecaused marks to be made along the borders, and examined them day afterday, in all directions of the wind, at last the horrible idea became acertain fact, --that the surface of the lake was slowly sinking. 

"The poor princess nearly went out of the little mind she had. It wasawful to her, to see the lake which she loved more than any livingthing, lie dying before her eyes. It sank away, slowly vanishing. Thetops of rocks that had never been seen before began to appear far downin the clear water. Before long, they were dry in the sun. It wasfearful to think of the mud that would lie baking and festering full oflovely creatures dying, and ugly creatures coming to life, like theunmaking of a world. And how hot the sun would be without any lake! Shecould not bear to swim in it, and began to pine away. Her life seemedbound up with it, and, ever as the lake sank, she pined. People saidshe would not live an hour after the lake was gone. But she nevercried. 

"Proclamation was made to all the kingdom, that whosoever shoulddiscover the cause of the lake's decrease would be rewarded after aprincely fashion. Hum-Drum and Kopy-Keck applied themselves to theirphysics and metaphysics, but in vain. No one came forward to suggest acause. 

"Now the fact was, that the old princess was at the root of themischief. When she heard that her niece found more pleasure in thewater than any one else had out of it, she went into a rage, and cursedherself for her want of foresight. 

"'But, ' said, 'I will soon set all right. The king and the people shalldie of thirst; their brains shall boil and frizzle in their skulls, before I shall lose my revenge. 

"And she laughed a ferocious laugh, that made the hairs on the back ofher black cat, stand erect with terror. 

"Then she went to an old chest in the room, and, opening it, took outwhat looked like apiece of dried sea-weed. This she threw into a tub ofwater. Then she threw some powder into the water, and stirred it withher bare arm, muttering over it words of hideous sound, and yet morehideous import. Then she set the tub aside, and took from her chest ahuge bunch of a hundred rusty keys, that clattered in her shakinghands. Then she sat down and proceeded to oil them all. Before she hadfinished, out from the tub, the water of which had kept a slow motionever since she had ceased stirring it, came the head and half the bodyof a huge gray snake. But the witch did not look round. It grew out ofthe tub, waving itself backwards and forwards with a slow, horizontalmotion, till it reached the princess, when it laid its head upon hershoulder, and gave a low hiss in her ear. She started--but with joy;and, seeing the head resting on her shoulder, drew it towards her andkissed it. Then she drew it all out of the tub, and wound it round herbody. It was one of those dreadful creatures which few have everbeheld, --the White Snakes of Darkness. 

"Then she took the keys and went down cellar; and, as she unlocked thedoor, she said to herself:--

"'This _is_ worth living for'!

"Locking the door behind her, she descended a few steps into thecellar, and crossing it, unlocked another door into a dark, narrowpassage. This also she locked behind her, and descended a few moresteps. If any one had followed the witch-princess, he would have heardher unlock exactly one hundred doors, and descend a few steps afterunlocking each. When she had unlocked the last, she entered a vastcave, the roof of which was supported by huge natural pillars of rock. Now this roof was the underside of the bottom of the lake. 

"She then untwined the snake from her body and held it by the tail highabove her. The hideous creature stretched up its head towards the roofof the cavern, which it was just able to reach. It then began to moveits head backwards and forwards, with a slow, oscillating motion, as iflooking for something At the same moment, the witch began to walk roundand round the cavern, coming nearer to the centre every circuit; whilethe head of the snake described the same path over the roof that shedid over the floor. For she held it up still. And still it kept slowlyoscillating. Round and round the cavern they went thus, ever lesseningthe circuit, till, at last, the snake made a sudden dart, and clungfast to the roof with its mouth. 'That's right, my beauty?' cried theprincess; 'drain it dry. '

"She let it go, left it hanging, and sat down on a great stone, withher black cat, who had followed her all around the cave, by her side. Then she began to knit, and mutter awful words. The snake hung like ahuge leech, sucking at the stone; the cat stood with his back arched, and his tail like a piece of cable, looking up at the snake; and theold woman sat and knitted and muttered. Seven days and seven nightsthey sat thus; when suddenly the serpent dropped from the roof, as ifexhausted, and shrivelled up like a piece of dried sea-weed on thefloor. The witch started to her feet, picked it up, put it in herpocket, and looked up at the roof. One drop of water was trembling onthe spot where the snake had been sucking. As soon as she saw that, sheturned and fled, followed by her cat. She shut the door in a terriblehurry, locked it, and, having muttered some frightful words, sped tothe next, which also she locked and muttered over: and so with all thehundred doors, till she arrived in her own cellar. There she sat downon the floor ready to faint, but listening with malicious delight tothe rushing of the water, which she could hear distinctly through allthe hundred doors. 

"But this was not enough. Now that she had tasted revenge, she lost herpatience. Without further measures, the lake would be too long indisappearing. So the next night, with the last shred of the dying oldmoon rising, she took some of the water in which she had revived thesnake, put it in a bottle, and set out, accompanied by her cat. Ere shereturned, she had made the entire circuit of the lake, mutteringfearful words as she crossed every stream, and casting into it some ofthe water out of her bottle. When she had finished the circuit, shemuttered yet again, and flung a handful of the water towards the moon. Every spring in the country ceased to throb and bubble, dying away likethe pulse of a dying man. The next day there was no sound of fallingwater to be heard along the borders of the lake. The very courses weredry; and the mountains showed no silvery streaks down their dark sides. And not alone had the fountains of mother Earth ceased to flow; for allthe babies throughout the country were crying dreadfully, --only withouttears. "

CHAPTER XII. 

WHERE IS THE PRINCE?

Never since the night when the princess left him so abruptly, had theprince had a single interview with her. He had seen her once or twicein the lake; but as far as he could discover, she had not been in itany more at night. He had sat and sung, and looked in vain for hisNereid; while she, like a true Nereid, was wasting away with her lake, sinking as it sank, withering as it dried. When at length he discoveredthe change that was taking place in the level of the water, he was ingreat alarm and perplexity. He could not tell whether the lake wasdying because the lady had forsaken it; or whether the lady would notcome because the lake had begun to sink. But he resolved to know somuch at least. 

"He disguised himself, and, going to the palace, requested to see thelord chamberlain. His appearance at once gained his request; and thelord chamberlain being a man of some insight, perceived that there wasmore in the princess solicitation than met the ear. He felt likewisethat no one could tell whence a solution of the present difficultiesmight arise. So he granted the prince's prayer to be made shoeblack tothe princess. It was rather knowing in the prince to request such aneasy post; for the princess could not possibly soil as many shoes asother princesses. 

"He soon learned all that could be told about the princess. He wentnearly distracted; but, after roaming about the lake for days, anddiving in every depth that remained, all that he could do was to put anextra polish on the dainty pair of boots that was never called for. 

"For the princess kept her room, with the curtains drawn to shut outthe dying lake. But she could not shut it out of her mind for a moment. It haunted her imagination so that she felt as if her lake were hersoul, drying up within her, first to become mud, and then madness anddeath. She brooded over the change, with all its dreadfulaccompaniments, till she was nearly out of her mind. As for the prince, she had forgotten him. However much she had enjoyed his company in thewater, she did not care for him without it, But she seemed to haveforgotten her father and mother too. 

"The lake went on sinking. Small slimy spots began to appear, whichglittered steadily amidst the changeful shine of the water. These grewto broad patches of mud, which widened and spread, with rocks here andthere, and floundering fishes and crawling eels swarming about. Thepeople went everywhere catching these, and looking for anything thatmight have been dropped into the water. 

"At length the lake was all but gone; only a few of the deepest poolsremaining unexhausted. 

"It happened one day that a party of youngsters found themselves on thebrink of one of these pools in the very centre of the lake. It was arocky basin of considerable depth. Looking in, they saw at the bottomsomething that shone yellow in the sun. A little boy jumped in anddived for it. It was a plate of gold, covered with writing. Theycarried it to the king. 

"On one side of it stood these words:--

 "'Death alone from death can save, Love is death, and so is brave. Love can fill the deepest grave. Love loves on beneath the wave. '

"Now this was enigmatical enough to the king and courtiers. But thereverse of the plate explained it a little. Its contents amounted tothis:

"'If the lake should disappear, they must find the hole through whichthe water ran. But it would be useless to try to stop it by anyordinary means. There was but one effectual mode. The body of a livingman could alone stanch the flow. The man must give himself of his ownwill; and the lake must take his life as it filled. Otherwise theoffering would be of no avail. If the nation could not provide onehero, it was time it should perish. '"

CHAPTER XIII. 

HERE I AM. 

This was a very disheartening revelation to the king. Not that he wasunwilling to sacrifice a subject, but that he was hopeless of finding aman willing to sacrifice himself. No time could be lost, however; forthe princess was lying motionless on her bed, and taking no nourishmentbut lake-water, which was now none of the best. Therefore the kingcaused the contents of the wonderful plate of gold to be publishedthroughout the country. 

"No one, however, came forward. 

"The prince having gone several days' journey into the forest, toconsult a hermit whom he had met there on his way to Lagobel, knewnothing of the oracle till his return. 

"When he had acquainted himself with all the particulars, he sat downand thought. 

"'She would die, if I didn't do it; and life would be nothing to mewithout her; so I shall lose nothing by doing it. And life will be aspleasant to her as ever, for she will soon forget me, and there will beso much more beauty and happiness in the world. To be sure, I shall notsee it. '--Here the poor prince gave a sigh. --'How lovely the lake willbe in the moonlight, with that glorious creature sporting in it like awild goddess! It is rather hard to be drowned by inches, though. Let mesee, --that will be seventy inches of me to drown. '--Here he tried tolaugh, but could not--'The longer the better, however, ' he resumed;'for can I not bargain that the princess shall be beside me all thetime? So I can see her once more, --kiss her perhaps, who knows?--anddie looking into her eyes. It will be no death. At least I shall notfeel it. And to see the lake filling for the beauty again!--All right II am ready. '

"He kissed the princess' boot, laid it down, and hurried to the king'sapartment. But feeling, as he went, that anything sentimental would bedisagreeable, he resolved to carry off the whole affair with burlesque. So he knocked at the door of the king's counting-house, where it wasall but a capital crime to disturb him. When the king heard the knock, he started up, and opened the door in a rage. Seeing only theshoeblack, he drew his sword. This, I am sorry to say, was his usualmode of asserting his regality, when he thought his dignity was indanger. But the prince was not in the least alarmed. 

"'Please your majesty, I'm your butler. ' said he. 

"'My butler! you lying rascal! What do you mean?'

"'I mean, I will cork your big bottle. '

"'Is the fellow mad?' bawled the king, raising the point of his sword. 

"'I will put a stopper, --plug, --what you call it, in your leaky lake, grand monarch, ' said the prince. 

"The king was in such a rage, that before he could speak he had time tocool, and to reflect that it would be great waste to kill the only manwho was willing to be useful in the present emergency, seeing that, inthe end, the insolent fellow would be as dead as if he had died by hismajesty's own hand. 

"'Oh!' said he, at last, putting up his sword with difficulty, --it wasso long; 'I am obliged to you, you young fool? Take a glass of wine?'

"'No, thank you, ' replied the prince. 

"'Very well, ' said the king. 'Would you like to run and see yourparents before you make your experiment?'

"'No, thank you, ' said the prince. 

"'Then we will go and look for the hole at once, ' said his majesty, andproceeded to call some attendants. 

"'Stop, please your majesty; I have a condition to make, ' interposedthe prince. 

"'What!' exclaimed the king; 'a condition! and with me! How dare you?'

"'As you please, ' said the prince, coolly. 'I wish your majesty good-morning. '

"'You wretch! I will have you put in a sack, and stuck in the hole. '

"'Very well, your majesty, ' replied the prince, becoming a little morerespectful, least the wrath of the king should deprive him of thepleasure of dying for the princess. 'But what good will that do yourmajesty? Please to remember that the oracle says that the victim mustoffer himself. '

"'Well, you _have_ offered yourself, ' retorted the king. 

"'Yes, upon one condition. '

"'Condition again!' roared the king, once more drawing his sword. 'Begone! Somebody else will be glad enough to take the honor off yourshoulders. '

"'Your majesty knows it will not be easy to get one to take my place. '

"'Well, what is your condition?' growled the king, feeling that theprince was right. 

"'Only this, ' replied the prince: 'that, as I must on no account diebefore I am fairly drowned, and the waiting will be rather wearisome, the princess, your daughter, shall go with me, feed me with her ownhands, and look at me now and then, to comfort me; for you must confessit is rather hard. As soon as the water is up to my eyes, she may goand be happy, and forget her poor shoeblack. '

"Here the prince's voice faltered, and he very nearly grew sentimental, in spite of his resolutions. 

"'Why didn't you tell me before what your condition was? Such a fussabout nothing!' exclaimed the king. 

"'Do you grant it?' persisted the prince. 

"'I do, ' replied the king

"'Very well. I am ready. '

"'Go and have some dinner, then, while I set my people to find theplace. '

"The king ordered out his guards, and gave directions to the officersto find the hole in the lake at once. So the bed of the lake was markedout in divisions, and thoroughly examined; and in an hour or so thehole was discovered. It was in the middle of a stone, near the centreof the lake, in the very pool where the golden plate had been found. Itwas a three-cornered hole, of no great size. There was water all roundthe stone, but none was flowing through the hole. "

CHAPTER XIV. 

THIS IS VERY KIND OF YOU. 

The prince went to dress for the occasion, for he was resolved to dielike a prince. "When the princess heard that a man had offered to diefor her, she was so transported that she jumped off the bed, feeble asshe was, and danced about the room for joy. She did not care who theman was; that was nothing to her. The hole wanted stopping; and if onlya man would do, why, take one. In an hour or two more, everything wasready. Her maid dressed her in haste, and they carried her to the sideof the lake. When she saw it, she shrieked, and covered her face withher hands. They bore her across to the stone, where they had alreadyplaced a little boat for her. The water was not deep enough to floatit, but they hoped it would be, before long. They laid her on cushions, placed in the boat wines and fruits and other nice things, andstretched a canopy over all. 

"In a few minutes, the prince appeared. The princess recognized him atonce; but did not think it worth while to acknowledge him. 

"'Here I am, ' said the prince. 'Put me in. 

"'They told me it was a shoeblack, ' said the princess. 

"'So I am, ' said the prince. 'I blacked your little boots three times aday, because they were all I could get of you. Put me in. '

"The courtiers did not resent his bluntness, except by saying to eachother that he was taking it out in impudence. 

"But how was he to be put in? The golden plate contained noinstructions on this point. The prince looked at the hole, and saw butone way. He put both his legs into it, sitting on the stone, and, stooping forward, covered the two corners that remained open with histwo hands. In this uncomfortable position he resolved to abide hisfate, and, turning to the people, said:--

"'Now you can go. '

"The king had already gone home to dinner. 

"'Now you can go, ' repeated the princess after him, like a parrot. 

"The people obeyed her, and went. 

"Presently a little wave flowed over the stone, and wetted one of theprince's knees. But he did not mind it much. He began to sing, and thesong he sang was this:--

 "'As a world that has no well, Darkly bright in forest-dell: As a world without the gleam Of the downward-going stream; As a world without the glance Of the ocean's fair expanse; As a world where never rain Glittered on the sunny plain, -- Such, my heart, thy world would be, If no love did flow in thee. 

 "'As a world without the sound Of the rivulets under ground; Or the bubbling of the spring Out of darkness wandering; Or the mighty rush and flowing Of the river's downward going; Or the music-showers that drop On the out-spread beech's top; Or the ocean's mighty voice, When his lifted waves rejoice, -- Such my soul, thy world would be, If no love did sing in thee. 

 "'Lady, keep thy world's delight; Keep the waters in thy sight; Love hath made me strong to go, For thy sake, to realms below, Where the water's shine and hum Through the darkness never come Let, I pray, one thought of me Spring, a little well, in thee; Lest thy loveless soul be found Like the dry and thirsty ground. '

"'Sing again, prince. It makes it less tedious, ' said the princess. 

"But the prince was too much overcome to sing any more. And a longpause followed. 

"'This is very kind of you, prince, ' said the princess at last, quitecoolly, as she lay in the boat with her eyes shut. 

"' I am sorry I can't return the compliment, ' thought the prince; 'butyou are worth dying for, after all. '

"Again a wavelet, and another, and another, flowed over the stone, andwetted both the prince's knees thoroughly; but he did not speak ormove. Two--three--four hours passed in this way, the princessapparently fast asleep, and the prince very patient. But he was muchdisappointed in his position, for he had none of the consolation he hadhoped for. 

"At last he could bear it no longer. 

"'Princess!' said he. 

"But at the moment, up started the princess, crying:--

"'I'm afloat! I'm afloat!'

"'And the little boat bumped against the stone. 

"'Princess!' repeated the prince, encouraged by seeing her wide awake, and looking eagerly at the water. 

"'Well?' said she, without once looking around. 

"'Your papa promised that you should look at me; and you haven't lookedat me once. '

"'Did he? Then I suppose I must. But I am so sleepy!'

"'Sleep, then, darling, and don't mind me, ' said the poor prince. 

"'Really, you are very good, ' replied the princess. 'I think I will goto sleep again. '

"'Just give me a glass of wine and a biscuit, first, ' said the princevery humbly. 

"'With all my heart, ' said the princess, and gaped as she said it. 

"She got the wine and the biscuit, however, and coming nearer withthem:--

"'Why, prince, ' she said, 'you don't look well? Are you sure you don'tmind it?'

"'Not a bit, ' answered he, feeling very faint indeed. 'Only, I shalldie before it is of any use to you, unless I have something to eat. '

"'There, then!' said she, holding out the wine to him. 

"'Ah! you must feed me. I dare not move my hands. The water would runaway directly. '

"'Good gracious!' said the princess, and she began at once to feed himwith bits of biscuit, and sips of wine. 

"As she fed him, he contrived to kiss the tips of her fingers now andthen. She did not seem to mind it, one way or the other. But the princefelt better. 

"'Now for your own sake, princess, ' said he, 'I cannot let you go tosleep. You must sit and look at me, else I shall not be able to keepup. '

"'Well, I will do anything I can to oblige you, ' answered she, withcondescension, and, sitting down, she did look at him, and kept lookingat him, with wonderful steadiness, considering all things. 

"The sun went down, and the moon came up, and gush after gush thewaters were flowing over the rock. They were up to the prince's waist, now. 

"'Why can't we go and have a swim?' said the princess. 'There seems tobe water enough just about here. '

"'I shall never swim more, ' said the prince. 

"'Oh! I forgot, ' said the princess, and was silent. 

"So the water grew and grew, and rose up and up on the prince. And theprincess sat and looked at him. She fed him now and then. The nightwore on. The waters rose and rose. The moon rose likewise, higher andhigher, and shone full on the face of the dying prince. The water wasup to his neck. 

"'Will you kiss me, princess?' said he, feebly, at last, for the funwas all out of him now. 

"'Yes, I will, ' answered the princess, and kissed him with a long, sweet, cold kiss. 

"'Now, ' said he, with a sigh of content, 'I die happy. '

"He did not speak again. The princess gave him some wine for the lasttime: he was past eating. Then she sat down again, and looked at him. The water rose and rose. It touched his chin. It touched his lower lip. It touched between his lips. He shut them hard to keep it out. Theprincess began to feel strange. It touched his upper lip. He breathedthrough his nostrils. The princess looked wild. It covered hisnostrils. Her eyes looked scared, and shone strange in the moonlight. His head fell back; the water closed over it; and the bubbles of hislast breath bubbled up through the water. The princess gave a shriek, and sprang into the lake. 

"She laid hold first of one leg, then of the other, and pulled andtugged, but she could not move either. She stopped to take breath, andthat made her think that he could not get any breath. She was frantic. She got hold of him, and held his head above the water, which waspossible, now his hands were no longer on the hole. But it was of nouse, for he was past breathing. 

"Love and water brought back all her strength. She got under the water, and pulled and pulled with her whole might, till, at last, she got oneleg out. The other hastily followed. How she got him into the boat shenever could tell; but when she did she fainted away. Coming to herself, she seized the oars, kept herself steady as best she could, and rowedand rowed, though she had never rowed before. Round rocks, and overshallows, and through mud, she rowed, till she got to the landingstairs of the palace. By this time, her people were on the shore, forthey had heard her shriek. She made them carry the prince to her ownroom, and lay him in her bed, and light a fire, and send for thedoctors. 

"'But the lake, your Highness, ' said the chamberlain, who, roused bythe noise, came in, in his nightcap. 

"'Go and drown yourself in it, ' said she. 

"This was the last rudeness of which the princess was ever guilty, andone must allow that she had good cause to feel provoked with the lordchamberlain. 

"Had it been the king himself, he would have fared no better. But bothhe and the queen were fast asleep. And the chamberlain went back tobed. So the princess and her old nurse were left with the prince. Somehow, the doctors never came. But the old nurse was a wise woman, and knew what to do. 

"They tried everything for a long time without success. The princessvas nearly distracted between hope and fear, but she tried on and on, one thing after another, and everything over and over again. 

"At last, when they had all but given it up, just as the sun rose, theprince opened his eyes. "

CHAPTER XV. 

LOOK AT THE RAIN!

The princess burst into a passion of tears, and _fell_ on the floor. There she lay for an hour, and her tears never ceased. All the pent-upcrying of her life was spent now. And a rain came on, such as had neverbeen seen in that country. The sun shone all the time, and the greatdrops, which fell straight to the earth, shone likewise. The palace wasin the heart of a rainbow. It was a rain of rubies, and sapphires, andemeralds, and topazes. The torrents poured from the mountains likemolten gold, and if it had not been for its subterraneous outlet, thelake would have overflowed and inundated the country. It was full fromshore to shore. 

"But the princess did not heed the lake. She lay on the floor and wept. And this rain within doors was far more wonderful than the rain out ofdoors. For when it abated a little, and she proceeded to rise, shefound, to her astonishment, that she could not. At length, after manyefforts, she succeeded in getting upon her feet. But she tumbled downagain directly. Hearing her fall, her old nurse uttered a yell ofdelight, and ran to her, screaming:--

"'My darling child! She's found her gravity!'

"'Oh! that's it, is it?' said the princess rubbing her shoulder and herknee alternately. 'I consider it very unpleasant. I feel as if I shouldbe crushed to pieces. '

"'Hurrah!' cried the prince, from the bed. 'If you're all right, princess, so am I. How's the lake?'

"'Brimful! answered the nurse. 

"'Then we're all jolly. '

"'That we are indeed!' answered the princess, sobbing. 

"And there was rejoicing all over the country that rainy day. Even thebabies forgot their past troubles, and danced and crowed amazingly. Andthe king told stories, and the queen listened to them. And he dividedthe money in his box, and she the honey in her pot, to all thechildren. And there was such jubilation as was never heard of before. 

"Of course the prince and princess were betrothed at once. But theprincess had to learn to walk, before they could be married with anypropriety. "

And this was not so easy, at her time of life, for she could walk nomore than a baby. She was always falling down and hurting herself. 

"'Is this the gravity you used to make so much of?' said she one day tothe prince. 'For my part, I was a great deal more comfortable withoutit. 

"' No, no; that's not it. This is it, ' replied the prince, as he tookher up, and carried her about like a baby, kissing her all the time. 'This is gravity. '

"'That's better, ' said she. 'I don't mind that so much. '

"And she smiled the sweetest, loveliest smile in the prince's face. Andshe gave him one little kiss, in return for all his, and he thoughtthem overpaid, for he was beside himself with delight. I fear shecomplained of her gravity more than once after this, notwithstanding. 

"It was a long time before she got reconciled to walking. But the painof learning it was quite counterbalanced by two things, either of whichwould have been sufficient consolation. The first was, that the princehimself was her teacher; and the second, hat she could tumble into thelake as often as she pleased. Still, she preferred to have the princejump in with her, and the splash they made before was nothing to thesplash they made now. 

"The lake never sank again. In process of time it wore the roof of thecavern quite through, and was twice as deep as before. 

"The only revenge the princess took upon her aunt was to tread prettyhard on her gouty toe the next time she saw her. But she was sorry forit the very next day, when she heard that the water had undermined herhouse, and that it had fallen in the night, burying her in its ruins;whence no one ever ventured to dig up her body. There she lies to thisday. 

"So the prince and princess lived and were happy, and had crowns ofgold, clothes of cloth, shoes of leather, and children of boys andgirls, not one of whom was ever known, on the most critical occasion, to lose the smallest atom of his or her due proportion of gravity. "

GEORGE MACDONALD. 

THE LEGEND OF THE LITTLE WEAVER. 

You see, there was a Waiver lived, wanst upon a time, in Duleek here, hard by the gate, and a very honest, industherous man he was, by allaccounts. He had a wife, and of coorse they had childhre, and smallblame to them, and plenty of them, so that the poor little Waiver wasobleeged to work his fingers to the bone a'most, to get them the bitand the sup; but he did'nt begridge that, for he was an industherouscrayther, as I said before, and it was up airly and down late wid him, and the loom was never standin' still. Well, it was one mornin' thathis wife called to him, and he sittin' very busy throwin' the shuttle, and, says she, "Come here, " says she, "jewel, and ate the breakquest, now that it's ready. " But he niver minded her, but went on workin': Soin a minit or two more says she, callin' out to him again, 'Arrah! laveoff slavin' yourself, my darlin', and ate your bit of breakquest whileit is hot. "

"Lave me alone, " says he, and he dhruv the shuttle faster nor before. 

Well, in a little time more, she goes over to him where he sot, and, says she, coaxin' him like, "Thady, dear, " says she, "the stiraboutwill be stone cowld, if you don't give over that weary work and comeand ate it at wanst. "

"I'm busy with a patthern here that is brakin my heart. " says theWaiver, "and intil I complate it, and masther it intirely, I won'tquit. "

"Oh, think of the illigant stirabout, that'll be spilte intirely. "

"To the divil with the stirabout, " says he. 

"God forgive you, " says she, "for cursing your good breakquest. "

"Aye, and you too, " says he, "Troth, you're as cross as two sticks this blessed morning, Thady, "says the poor wife, "and it's a heavy handful I have of you when youare craked in your temper; but stay there if you like, and let yourstirabout grow cowld, and not one o' me'll ax you agin, " and with thatoff she went, and the Waiver, sure enough. Was mighty crabbed, and themore the wife spoke to him the worse he got, which, you know, is onlynathral. 

Well, he left the loom at last, and wint over to the stirabout, andwhat would you think but when he luked at it, it was as black as acrow; for you see it was the hoighth o' summer, and the flies lit uponit to that degree, that the stirabout was fairly covered with ihem. 

"Why then bad luck to your impidence, " says the Waiver, "would no placesarve you but that? and is it spiling my breakquest yez are, you dirtybastes?"

And with that, being altogether craked tempered at the time, he liftedhis hand, and he made one great slam at the dish of stirabout, andkilled no less than threescore and tin flies at the one blow. It wasthreescore and tin exactly, for he counted the carcasses one by one, and laid them out on a clane plate, for to view them. 

Well, he felt a powerful spirit risin' in him, when he seen theslaughter he done at one blow, and with that he got as consaited as thevery dickens, and not a stroke more work he'd do that day, but out hewint, and was fractious and impidint to everyone he met, and wassquarin' up into their faces and sayin':

"Look at that fist! that's the fist that killed threescore and tin atone blow--whoo!"

With that all the neighbors thought he was cracked, and faith the poorwife herself thought the same, when he kem home in the evenin', aftershpendin' every rap he had in dhrink, and swaggering about the place, and lookin' at his hand every minit. 

"Indade an' your hand is very dirty, sure enough, Thady jewel, " saidthe poor wife, and thrue for her, for he rowled into a ditch comin'home, "you'd betther wash it, darlin'. " "How dare you say dirty to thegreatest hand in Ireland, " says he, going to bate her. 

"Well, it's not dirty, " says she. 

"It's throwin' away my time I have been all my life, " says he, "livin'with you at all, and stuck at a loom nothin' but a poor Waiver, whinit's Saint George or the Dhraggin I ought to be, which is two of thesivin champions of Christendom. "

"Well, suppose they christened him twice as much, " says the wife, "sure, what's that to us?"

"Don't put in your prate. " says he, "you ignorant shtrap, " says he, "you're vulgar, woman, --you're vulgar--mighty vulgar; but I'll havenothin' more to say to any dirty snakin' trade agin--divil a morewaivin' I'll do. "

"Oh, Thady dear, and what'll the childre do then!"

"Let them go and play marvels, " said he. 

"That would be but poor feedin' for them, Thady. "

"They shan't want for feedin', " says he, "for it's a rich man I'll besoon, and a great man too. "

"Usha, but I'm glad to hear it, darlin'--though I donna how it's to be, but I think you had betther go to bed, Thady. "'

"Don't talk to me of any bed, but the bed of glory, woman, " says he--lookin' mortial grand. 

"Oh, God sind we'll all be in glory yet, " says the wife, crassin'herself, "but go to sleep, Thady, for this present. "

"I'll sleep with the brave yit, " says he. 

"Indeed, and a brave sleep will do you a power o' good, my darlin', "says she. 

"And it's I that will be the knight!" says he. 

"All night, if you plaze, Thady, " says she. 

"None o' your coaxin', " says he, "I'm detarmined on it, and I'll setoff immediately, and be a knight arriant. "

"A what?" says she. 

"A knight arriant, woman. "

"Lord be good to me, what's that?" says she. 

"A knight arriant is a rale gintleman, " says he, "goin' round the worldfor sport, with a swoord by his side, takin' whatever he plazes forhimself, and that's a knight arriant, " says he. 

Well sure enough, he wint about among his neighbors the next day, andhe got an owld kettle from one, and a saucepan from another, and hetook them to the tailor, and he sewed him up a suit of tin clothes likeany knight arriant, and he borrowed a pot lid, and _that_ he was verypartikler about, bekase it was his shield, and he wint to a friendo' his, a painther and glazier, and made him paint on his shield in bigletters. 

"I'M THE MAN OF ALL MIN THAT KILLED THREESCORE AND TIN AT A BLOW. "

"When the people sees _that_, " says the Waiver to himself, "the sorraone will dar' for to come near me. "

And with that he found the wit to scour out the small iron pot for himfor says he, "it will make an illigant helmet--and when it was done, heput it on his head, and the wife said, "Oh murther, Thady jewel, is itputtin' a great heavy iron pot on your head you are, by way iv a hat?"

"Sartainly, " says he, "for a knight arriant should always have a_weight on his brain_. "

"But, Thady dear, " said the wife, "there's a hole in it, and it can'tkeep out the weather. "

"It will be the cooler, " says he, puttin' it on him, --"besides, if Idon't like it, it is aisy to stop it up with a wisht o' straw, or thelike o' that. "

"The three legs of it looks mighty quare, stickin up, " says she. 

"Every helmet has a spike stickin' out o' the top of it, " says theWaiver, "and if mine has three, it is only the grandther it is"

"Well, " says the wife, getting bitther at last, "all I can say is, itisn't the first sheep's head was dhressed in it. "

"Your sarvent ma'am, " says he; and off he set. 

Well, he was in want of a horse, and so he wint to a field hard by, where the miller's horse was grazin' that used to carry the ground cornaround the counthry. 

"This is the idintical horse for me, " says the Waiver, "he is used tocarryin' flour and male; and what am I but the flower o' shovelry in acoat of mail; so that the horse won't be put out of his way in thelaste. "

But as he was ridin' him out of the field, who should see him but themiller. 

"Is it stalin' my horse, you are, honest man?" says the miller. 

"No, " says the Waiver, "I am only goin, to exercise him, " says he, "inthe cool o' the evenin', it will be good for his health. "

"Thank you kindly, " said the miller, "but lave him where he is, andyou'll obleege me. "

"I can't afford it, " says the Waiver, running his horse at the ditch. 

"Bad luck to your impidence, " says the miller. "you've as much tinabout you as a thravelin' tink but youv'e more brass. Come back here, you vagabone, " says he. 

But he was late;--away galloped the Waiver, and tuk the road to Dublin, for he thought the best thing he could do was to go to the King o'Dublin (for Dublin was a grate place then, and had a king iv its own), and he thought maybe the King o' Dublin would give him work. Well, hewas four days goin' to Dublin, for the baste was not the best, and theroads worse, not all as one was now; but there was no turnpike then, glory be to God! whin he got to Dublin he wint shtraight to the palace, and whin he got into the coort yard, he let his horse go and grazeabout the place, for the grass was growin' out betune the stones:everythin' was flourishin' thin in Dublin, you see. 

Well, the king was lookin' out in his dhrawin' room, for divarshun, whin the Waiver came in, but the Waiver purtended not to see him, andhe wint over to a stone sait under the windy--for you see there wasstone sates all round about the place for the accommodation of thepeople, for the king was a dacent obleegin' man, --well, as I said, theWaiver wint over and lay down on one of the sates, just undher theking's windy, and purtended to go asleep: but he tuk care to turn outthe front of his shield that had the letthers an it--well, my dear, with that the king calls out to wan of the lords of his coort that wasshtandin' behind him, howldin' up the skirt iv his coat, accordin' toraison, and says he:

"Look here, " says he, "what do you think of a vagabone like that, comin' under my very to nose go to sleep? It's thrue I'm a very goodking, " says he, "and I 'commodate the people by having sates for themto sit down and enjoy the raycreation and contimplation of seein' mehere lookin' out o' my drawing room windy for divarsion; but that is noraison they're to make a hotel iv the place, and come and sleep here. Who is it at all?" says the king. 

"Not a one o' me knows, plaze your majesty. "

"I think he must be a furriner, " says the king, "bekase his dress isoutlandish. "

"And doesn't know manners, more betoken, " says the lord. 

"I'll go and circumspect him myself, " says the king, --"folly me, " sayshe to the lord, waivin' his hand at the same time in the mostdignacious mannar. 

Down he wint accordainly, followed by the lord, and whin he wint overto where the Waiver was lyin', sure the first thing he seen was hisshield with the big letthers an it, and with that says he to the lord"by dad, " says he, "this is the very man I want. "

"For what, plaze your majesty?" says the lord. 

"To kill that vagabone dhraggin', " says the king. 

"Sure, do you think he could kill him, " says the lord, "whin all thestoutest lords in the land wasn't aquil to it, but never kem back, andwas ate up alive by the cruel desaiver. "

"Sure, don't you see there, " says the king pointin' at the shield, "that he killed threescore and tin at one blow, and the man that done_that_ I think is a match for anything. "

So with that he went over to the Waiver and shook him by the shoulderfor to wake him, and the Waiver rubbed his eyes as if just wakened, andthe king says to him: "God save you, " says he. 

"God save you kindly, " says the Waiver, purtendin' he was quiteunknowst who he was spakin to. 

"Do you know who I am?" says the king, "that you make so free, goodman. "

"No indade, " says the waiver, "you have the advantage of me. "

"To be sure I have, " says the king, mighty high; "sure, aint I the kingo' Dublin, " says he. 

The Waiver dropped down on his two knees forninst the king, and sayshe, "I beg God's pardon and yours for the liberty I tuk, plaze yourholiness I hope you'll excuse it. "

"No offence, " says the king, "get up, good man. And what brings youhere, " says he. 

"I'm in want of work, plaze your rivirence, " says the Waiver. 

"Well, suppose I give you work?" says the king. 

"I'll be proud to sarve you, my lord, " says the Waiver. 

"Very well, " says the king, "you killed threescore and tin at one blow, I undershtan', " says the king. 

"Yis, " says the Waiver, "that was the last thrifle o' work I done, andI'm afeard my hand'll go out o' practice if I don't get some job to do, at wanst. "

"You shall have a job to do immidiately, " says the king. "It's notthreescore and tin or any fine thing like that, it is only a blaguarddhraggin, that is disturbin' the counthry and ruinating my tinanthrywid aitin' their powlthry, and I'm lost for want of eggs, " says theking. 

"Troth, thin plaze your worship, " says the waiver, "you look as yellowas if you'd swallowed twelve yolks this minit. "

"Well, I want this dhraggin to be killed, " says the king. "It will beno throuble in life to you; and I am only sorry that it isn't bettherworth your while, for he isn't worth fearin' at all; only I must tellyou that he lives in the county Galway, in the middle of a bog, and hehas an advantage in that. "

"Oh, I don't value it in the laste, " says the Waiver, "for the lastthree-score and tin I killed was in a soft place. "

"When will you undhertake the job, then?" says the king. 

"Let me at him at wanst, " says the Waiver. 

"That is what I like, " says the king, "you're the very man for mymoney, " says he. 

"Talkin' of money, " says the waiver, "by the same token I'll want athrifle o' change from you for my thravellin' charges. "

"As much as you plaze, " says the king, and with the word, he broughthim into his closet, where there was an owld stockin' in an owld chest, burstin' wid golden guineas. 

"Take as many as you plaze, " says the king, and sure enough, my dear, the little waiver stuffed his tin clothes as full as they could howldwith them. 

"Now I'm ready for the road, " says the waiver. 

"Very well, " says the king; "but you must have a fresh horse, " says he. 

"With all my heart, " says the waiver, who thought he might as wellexchange the miller's owld garron for a betther. 

And maybe its wondthering you are, that the Waiver would think of goin'to fight the dhraggin afther what he heerd about him, whin he waspurtendin' to be asleep; but he had no sitch notion, all he intendedwas to fob the goold; and ride back to Duleek with his gains and a goodhorse. But you see, 'cute as the Waiver was, the king was 'cuter still;for these high quolity, you see, is great desaivers; and so the horsethe Waiver was put an was learned an purpose, and, sure, the minit hewas mounted, away powdhered the horse, and the divil a toe he'd go butright down to Galway. 

Well, for four days he was goin' ever more, antil at last the Waiverseen a crowd o' people runnin' as if owld Nick was at their heels, andthey shoutin' a thousand murdhers, and cryin' "The dhraggin, thedhraggin!" and he couldn't stop the horse nor make him turn back, butaway he pelted right forninst the terrible baste that was comin' up tohim, and there was the most nefarious smell o' sulphur, savin' yourpresence, enough to knock you down; and, faith, the Waiver seen he hadno time to lose, and so he threw himself off the horse, and made to athree that was growin' nigh hand, and away he clambered up into it asnimble as a cat; and not a minit had he to spare, for the dhraggin kemup in a powerful rage, and he devoured the horse, body and bones, inless than no time; and thin he began to sniffle and scent about for theWaiver, and at last he clapt his eye on him, where he was, up in thethree, and says he:

"In troth you might as well come down out o' that, " says he, "for I'llhave you as sure as eggs is mate. "

"Divil a foot I'll go down, " says the Waiver. 

"Sorra care I care, " says the dhraggin, "for you're as good as readymoney in my pocket this minit; for I'll lie undher this tree" says he, "and sooner or later you must fall to my share. "

And sure enough he sot down, and began to pick his teeth with his tail, afther the heavy breakquest he made that mornin' (for he ate a wholevillage, let alone a horse) and he got dhrowsy at last, and fellasleep; but before he wint to sleep, he wound himself all round aboutthe three, all as one as a lady windin' ribbon round her finger, sothat the waiver could not escape. 

Well, as soon as the Waiver knew he was dead asleep, by the snorin' ofhim--and every snore he get out of him was like a clap o' thunder--thatminit the Waiver began to creep down the three as cautious as a fox, and he was very nigh hand the bottom, whin bad cess to it, a thievin'branch he was dipindin' an bruk, and down he fell right a top of thedhraggin: but if he did good luck was an his side, for where should hefall but with his two legs right acrass the draggin's neck, and myjew'l, he laid howlt o' the baste's ears, and there he kept his grip, for the dhraggin wakened and endayvored for to bite him, but, you see, by raison the Waiver was behind his ears, he could not come at him, andwith that, he endayvored for to shake him off; but the divil a stircould he stir the waiver; and though he shuk all the scales in hisbody, he cud not turn the scale agin the Waiver. 

"By the hokey, this is too bad, intirely, " says the dhraggin; "but ifyou won't let go, " says he, "by the powers o' wild fire, I'll give youa ride that'll astonish your sivin small sinses, my boy;" and withthat, away he flew like mad, and where do you think did he fly? by dad, he flew straight for Dublin, divil a less. But the Waiver bein' an hisneck was a great disthress to him, and he would rather have had him an_inside passenger;_ but anyway he flew and he flew till he kem slap upagin the palace of the king, or bein' blind with the rage he never seenit, and he knocked his brains out; that is, the small trifle he had, anddown he fell spacheless. An' you see, good luck would have it, that theking o' Dublin was lookin' out in his dhrawin room windy for divarshun, that day also, and whin he seen the Waiver ridin' an the fiery dhraggin(for he was blazin' like a tar barrel) he called out to his coortyers tocome and see the show. 

"By the powdhers of war here comes the knight arriant, " says the king"riding the dhraggin that's all a fire, and if he gets _into the palace_yis must be ready with the fire ingines [Footnote: Showing the antiquityof these machines. ] says he" for to _put him out. _

But whin they seen the dhraggin fall outside, they all run down stairsand scampered into the palace yard for to circumspect the curiosity;and by the tune they got down, the Waiver had got off the dhraggin'sneck, and, running up to the king, says he, "Plaze your holiness, " says he, "I did not think myself worthy ofkillin' this facetious baste, so I brought him to yourself for to dohim the honor of decripitation by your own royal five fingers. But Itamed him first, before I allowed him the liberty for to dar' to appearin your royal prisance, and you'll oblige me if you'll just make yourmark upon the onruly baste's neck. "

And with that the king, sure enough, drew out his swoord and took thehead off the dirty brute, as _clane_ as a new pin. Well, there wasgreat rejoicin' in the coort that the dhraggin was killed, and says theking to the little Waiver, says he. 

"You are a knight arriant as it is so it would be no use for to knightyou over agin; but I will make you a lord, " says he. 

"Oh Lord!" says the Waiver, thunderstruck like at his own good luck. 

"I will, " says the king, "and as you're the first man I ever heerd tellof that rode a dhraggin, you shall be called Lord Mount Dhraggin, " sayshe. 

"And where's my estates? plaze your holiness, " says the Waiver, whoalways had a sharp look out after the main chance. 

"Oh, I didn't forget that, " says the king, "It's my royal pleasure toprovide well for you, and for that raison I make you a present of allthe dhraggins in the world, and give you power over thim from thisout, " says he. 

"Is that all?" says the Waiver. 

"All?" says the king, "why you ongrateful little vagabone, was the likeever given to any man before?"

"I believe not indeed, " says the Waiver: "many thanks to your Majesty. "

"But that is not all I do for you, " says the king; "I'll give you mydaughter too in marriage, " says he. 

Now you see that was nothin' more than what he promised the Waiver inhis first promise; for by all accounts the king's daughter was thegreatest dhraggin ever was seen, and had the divil's own tongue, and abeard a yard long, which she purtinded was put an her by way of apenance, by Father Mulcahy, her confissor; but it was well known was inthe family for ages, and no wondher it was so long, by raison of thatsame. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

THE END.