[Illustration: WE MAKES FOUR TRIPS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN WOLFVILLE ANDRED DOG, CRACKIN' OFF OUR GOOD OLD '45'S AT IRREG'LAR INTERVALS, FARONELL ON HER CALICO PONY AS THE GODDESS OF LIBERTY, BUSTIN' AWAY WITH THEREST. Frontispiece. P. 170. ]

FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS

WOLFVILLE STORIES

BY

ALFRED HENRY LEWIS

AUTHOR OF "WOLFVILLE, " "WOLFVILLE DAYS, " "WOLFVILLE NIGHTS, " "WOLFVILLEFOLKS, " "THE BOSS, " "THE SUNSET TRAIL, " "THE APACHES OFNEW YORK, " "THE STORY OF PAUL JONES, " ETC. 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY

W. HERBERT DUNTON AND J. N. MARCHAND

G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY

PUBLISHERS NEW YORK

Copyright, 1913, By

G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY

Faro Nell and Her Friends

THIS BOOK

IS DEDICATED TO

WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS

AS MARKING

MY APPRECIATION OF

WHAT QUALITIES PLACE HIM HIGH

AMONG THE BEST EDITORS

BEST BROTHERS AND BEST MEN

I'VE EVER MET

A. H. L. 

CONTENTS

 CHAPTER PAGE I DEAD SHOT BAKER 7 II OLD MAN ENRIGHT'S UNCLE 39 III CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN 61 IV OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD 99 V HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON 126 VI THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH 148 VII PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST 176 VIII THAT TURNER PERSON 198 IX RED MIKE 225 X HOW TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON 260 XI THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT 295 XII SPELLING BOOK BEN 320

ILLUSTRATIONS

 PAGE We makes four trips back and forth between Wolfville and Red Dog, crackin' off our good old '45's at irreg'lar intervals, Faro Nell on her calico pony as the Goddess of Liberty, bustin' away with the rest. . . . Frontispiece 170 We're all discussin' the doin's of this yere road-agent when Dan gets back from Red-Dog, an' the result is he unloads his findin's on a dead kyard. 18 Dead Shot stops short at this hitch in the discussion, by reason of a bullet from the Lightin' Bug's pistol which lodges in his lung. 28 The second evening Old Stallins is with us, Dan Boggs an' Texas Thompson uplifts his aged sperits with the "Love Dance of the Catamounts. " 42 "It's you, Oscar, that I want, " observes Miss Bark. "I concloodes, upon sober second thought, to accept your offer of marriage. " 90 A couple of Enright's riders comes a packin' a live bobcat into town. 118 Turkey Track, seein' he's afoot an' thirty miles from his home ranch pulls his gun an' sticks up the mockin' bird's buckboard. 138 We sees the Turner person aboard an' wishes him all kinds of luck. 222 "What's the subject?" Peets asks. "That, my friend, is the 'Linden in October, '" returns Mike, as though he's a showin' us a picture of Heaven's front gate. 238 "Him an' Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture. 'Thar's a pa'r to draw to, ' says Nell to Texas, her eyes like brown diamonds. " 280 Thar's a bombardment which sounds like a battery of gatlings, the whole punctchooated by a whirlwind of "whoops!" 316 "Onless girls is barred, " declares Faro Nell, from her perch on the chair "I've a notion to take a hand. " 336

FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS

I

DEAD SHOT BAKER

"Which you never knows Dead Shot Baker?"

This, from the old cattleman, with a questioning glance my way. 

"No? Well, you shore misses knowin' a man! Still, it ain't none sostrange neither; even Wolfville's acquaintance with Dead Shot's onlywhat you-all might call casyooal, him not personally lastin' more'nthree months. 

"This yere Dead Shot has a wife. Thar's women you don't want to seeontil you're tired, an' women you don't want to see ontil you'rerested, an' women you don't want to see no how--don't want to see atall. This wife of Dead Shot's belongs with the latter bunch. 

"Last evenin' I'm readin' whar one of them philosophic sports assertsthat women, that a-way, is shore the sublimation of the oncertain. That's how he lays it down; an' he never hedges the bluff for so muchas a single chip. He insists that you can't put a bet on women; thatyou can bet on hosses or kyards or 'lections, but not on women--womenbein' too plumb oncertain. As I reads along, I can't he'p feelin' thatsomehow this philosophic party must have knowed Dead Shot's wife. 

"The first time we-all ever sees Dead Shot, he comes trackin' into theRed Light one evenin' jest after the stage rolls up. Bein' it'sencroachin' on second drink time, he sidles up to the bar; an' then, his manner some diffident an' apol'getic, he says:

"'Gents, do you-all feel like a little licker, that a-way?'

"It bein' imp'lite to reefuse, we assembles within strikin' distanceof the bottles Black Jack is slammin' the len'th of the counter, an'begins spillin' out our forty drops. At this he turns even moreapol'getic. 

"'Which I trusts, ' he says, 'that no one'll mind much if I takeswater?'

"Of course no one minds. Wolfville don't make no speshulty of forcin'whiskey onto no gent who's disinclined. If they prefers water, weencourages 'em. 

"'An' for this yere reason, ' expounds Boggs, once when he ondertakesto explain the public attitoode towards water to some inquirin'tenderfoot--'an' for this partic'lar reason: Arizona is a dry an' aridclime; an' water drinkers bein' a cur'ous rarity, we admires to keep aspec'men or two buck-jumpin' about, so's to study their habits. '

"As we picks up our glasses, Dead Shot sets to introdoocin' himse'f. 

"'My name, gents, ' he says, 'is Baker, Abner Baker. The Wells-Fargofolks sends me down yere from Santa Fe to ride shotgun for 'em. '

"The name's plenty s'fficient. It's him who goes to a showdown withthem three road agents who lays for the stage over in a spur of theBlack Range back of San Marcial, an' hives the three. That battlesaves the company $200, 000; an', they're that pleased with Dead Shot'sindustry, they skins the company's bankroll for a bundle of money thesize of a roll of blankets, an' gives it to him by way of reward. It's the talk of the two territories. 

"While we-all knows Dead Shot when he speaks his name, none of us letson. It's ag'inst ettiquette in the southwest to know more of a gentthan what he tells himse'f. 

"'So water's all you samples?' puts in Texas Thompson, as we standsan' drinks. 

"'It's like this, ' explains Dead Shot, appealin' round with his eye. 'You see I can't drink nosepaint none, an' drink successful. '

"'Shore, ' observes Faro Nell, who's takin' her diminyootive toddyright at Dead Shot's elbow; 'thar's gents so organized that to gogivin' 'em licker is like tryin' to play a harp with a hammer. '

"That's me, ' exclaims Dead Shot; 'that's me, Miss, every time. Give mea spoonful, an' I deemands a bar'l. After which, thar ain't no se'frespectin' camp that'll stand for my game. '

"'I savvys what you means, ' says Tutt; 'I reecalls in my own case how, on the hocks of mebby it's the ninth drink--which this is years an'years ago, though--I mistakes a dem'crat primary for a Methodistpraise meetin', an' comes ramblin' in an' offers to lead in pra'r. Which I carries the scars to this day. '

"'Which is why, Dave, ' interjecks Cherokee Hall, in hopes of settin'Tutt to pitchin' on his p'litical rope, him bein' by nacher aoncompromisin' reepublican that a-way--'which is why you always holdsdem'crats so low. '

"'But I don't hold 'em low, ' protests Tutt. 'Thar's heaps to be saidfor dem'crats, leastwise for the sort that's pesterin' 'round in thecountry I hails from. '

"'What be your dem'crats like, Dave?' Texas urges. 'Which I wants tosee if they're same as the kind I cuts the trail of down aboutLaredo. '

"'Well, ' returns Tutt, 'simply hittin' the high places, them dem'cratsby which I'm born surrounded chews tobacco, sw'ars profoosely, drinksmighty exhaustive, hates niggers, an' some of 'em can read. '

"'That deescription goes for Laredo, too, ' Texas allows. 'This yerejedge, who gives my wife her divorce that time, an' sets the sheriffto sellin' up my steers for costs an' al'mony, is a dem'crat. What yousays, Dave, is the merest picture of that joorist. '

"'I expects my wife'll come rackin' along _poco tiempo, '_ Dead Shotremarks, after a pause. 'I'm yere as advance gyard to sling thingsinto shape. '

"It's as good as a toone of music to see how softly his face lightsup. He's as big an' wide an' thick an' strong as Boggs, an' yet it'splain as paint that this yere wife of his, whoever she is, can jestnacherally make curl-papers of him. 

"That mention of a wife as usual sets Texas to growlin'. 

"'Thar you be, Dan!' I overhears him whisper, same as if he's beenill-treated; 'the instant this Dead-Shot says "Water" I'm onto it thathe's a married man. Water an' matrimony goes hand in hand. '

"'Now I don't see why none?' retorts Boggs. 

"'Because water's weakenin'. Feed a sport on water, an' it's a cinchhe falls a prey to the first female who ropes at him. '

"'Thar's Dave, ' Boggs argyoos, noddin' towards Tutt. 'Ain't hedrinkin' that time he weds Tucson Jennie?'

"'Dave's the exception. Also, you-all remembers them circumstances, Dan. Dave don't marry Jennie; Jennie simply ups an' has him. '

"'All the same, ' contends Boggs, 'I don't regyard Dead Shot's sobrietyas no drawback. Thar's lots of folks who's cap'ble of bein' sober an'sociable at one an' the same time. '

"These yere low-voiced wranglin's between Texas an' Boggs is off toone side. Meanwhile, the gen'ral confab proceeds. 

"'You ain't been long hooked up?' says Doc Peets, addressin' DeadShot. 

"'About a year. She's in the stage that time I has the trouble withthem hold-ups in the Black Range, an' she allows she likes my style. '

"'We-all hears about that Black Range battle, ' remarks Enright. 

"'It's a mighty lucky play for me, ' says Dead Shot; 'I don't ree'lizeit while I'm workin' my winchester, but I'm winnin' a angel all thetime. That's on the level, gents! I never puts my arm 'round her yet, but what I go feelin' for wings. '

"'Don't this make you sick?' Texas growls to Boggs. 

"'No, it don't, ' Boggs replies. 'On the contrary, I'm teched. '

"'Gents, ' goes on Dead Shot, an' I sees his mustache tremble thata-way; 'I don't mind confessin' she's that angelic I'm half afraid tomarry her. I ain't fine enough! It's like weddin' gunny-sack tosilk--me makin' her my wife. Which I shore has to think an' argyoowith myse'f a whole lot, before I gets the courage. Ain't you-all evernoticed'--yere he appeals 'round to Peets--'that every time you meetsup with a angel, thar's always some smoke-begrimed an' sin-encrustedson of Satan workin' double-turn to support her?'

"Peets nods. 

"'Shore! Well, it's sech reflections which final gives me thereequired sand. An' so, one evenin' up in Albuquerque, we prances overbefore a padre an' we're married. You bet, it's like a vision. '

"'Any papooses?' asks Tutt, plumb pompous. 

"'None as yet, ' confesses Dead Shot, lookin' abashed. 

"'Which I've nacherally got one, ' an' yere Tutt swells. 'You can putyour case _peso_ on it he's the real thing, too. '

"'Little Enright Peets is certainly a fine child, ' remarks Nell. 'Dave, you're shore licensed to be proud of him. '

"'That's whatever, ' adds Boggs. 'Little Enright Peets is nothin' shortof bein' the No'th Star of all hoomanity!'

"Mebby a week passes, an' one mornin' Dead Shot goes squanderin' overto Tucson to bring his wife. An' nacherally we're on what they callsin St. Looey the 'quee vee' to see her. At that, we-all don't crowd'round permiscus when the stage arrives, an' we avoids everythingwhich borders on mob voylence. 

"Dead Shot hits the street, lookin' that happy it's like he's in adream, an' then goes feelin' about, soft an' solic'tous, inside. Atlast he lifts her out, an' stands thar holdin' her in his arms. She'sshore beautiful; only she ain't no bigger 'n a ten year old youngone. Yellow-ha'red an' bloo-eyed, she makes you think of these yere chinaornaments that's regyarded artistic by the Dutch. 

"They're certainly a contrast--him big as a house, her as small an'pretty as a doll! An' you should see that enamored Dead Shot look ather!--long an' deep, like a man drinkin'! Son, sometimes I fearswomen, that a-way, misses all knowledge of how much they're loved. 

"'She ain't sick, ' says Dead Shot, speakin' gen'ral; 'only she twistsher off ankle gettin' out at the last station. '

"Dead Shot heads for the little 'dobe he's fitted up, packin' hisbloo-eyed doll in his arms. What's our impressions? No gent who signsthe books as sech'll say anything ag'in a lady; but between us, thar'sa sooperior wrinklin' of the little tipped-up nose, an' a cold feel tothem bloo eyes, which don't leave us plumb enthoosiastic. 

"'It's like this, ' volunteers Enright, who stacks in to explainthings. 'Every gent's got his ideal; an' this yere wife of his is DeadShot's ideal. '

"'Whatever's an ideal, Doc?' asks Boggs, who's always romancin' aboutfor information. 

"'Which an ideal, Dan, ' Peets replies, 'is the partic'lar gold brickyou're tryin' to buy. '

"At the time Dead Shot's standin' thar with his fam'ly in his arms, Nell comes out on the Red Light steps to take a peek. Also, MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie is hoverin' about all sim'lar. After DeadShot an' his bride has faded into their 'dobe, them three expertsholds a energetic consultation in the street. Of course, none of ushas the hardihood to go j'inin' in their deelib'rations, but fromwhat's said later we gets a slant at their concloosions. 

"'Dead Shot's a mighty sight too good for her, ' is how Missis Ruckergives jedgment. 'It's peltin' pigs with pearls for him to go lovin'her like he does. '

"Shore; bein' ladies that-a-way, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie an' FaroNell all visits Dead Shot's wife. But the feelin' is that they findsher some stuck up an' haughty. This yere notion is upheld by Nellcallin' her a 'minx, ' while Tucson Jennie alloodes to her as a 'cat'on two sep'rate occasions. 

"Dead Shot an' his doll-bride, in the beginnin', seems to be gettin'along all right. It's only when thar's money goin' over, that DeadShot has to buckle on his guns an' ride out with the stage. This giveshim lots of time to hang 'round, an' worship her. Which I'm yere toreemark that if ever a white man sets up an idol, that a-way, an' sayshis pra'rs to it, that gent's Dead Shot. Thar's nothin' to it; prickher finger, an' you pierce his heart. 

"'It'd be beautiful if it wasn't awful, ' says Faro Nell. 

"It ain't a month when events lifts up their p'isin heads, which goesto jestify them comments of Nell's. Thar's been a White House shiftback in Washington, an' a new postmaster's sent out. He's a dapperparty, with what Peets calls a 'Van Dyke' beard, an' smells like aha'r-dresser's shop. 

"Now if affairs stops thar, we could have stood it; but they don't. Iabhors to say so, but it ain't two weeks before Dead Shot's wife'smakin' onmistak'ble eyes at that postmaster. Them times when DeadShot's dooties has took him to the other end of the trail, she's overto the post office constant. None of us says anything, not even toourselves; but when it gets to whar she shoves you away from theletter place, an' begins talkin' milk and honey to him right underyour nose, onless you're as blind as steeple bats, an' as deaf as theadder of scriptoore which stoppeth her y'ear, you're shore bound to dosome thinkin'. 

[Illustration: WE'RE ALL DISCUSSIN' THE DOIN'S OF THIS YERE ROAD-AGENTWHEN DAN GETS BACK FROM RED-DOG, AN' THE RESULT IS HE UNLOADS HISFINDIN'S ON A DEAD KYARD. P. 18. ]

"'Which if ever a gov'ment offishul, ' exclaims Texas, as he comest'arin' into the Red Light one evenin', deemandin' drinks--'which ifever a gov'ment offishul goes organizin' his own fooneral that a-way, it's this yere deeboshed postmaster next door!'

"Thar's nothin' said, but we-all knows what's on Texas's mind. Thatwife of Dead Shot's, for the fo'th time that day, has gone askin' forletters. 

"'She writes 'em to herse'f, ' is the way Missis Rucker lays it down. 'Also, it's doo to the crim'nal besottedness of that egreegious DeadShot. The man's shorely love-blind!'

"'You ain't goin' to t'ar into him for that, be you?' Nell asks, hertones reproachful. 'Him lovin' her like he does shore makes a hit withme. A limit goes in farobank; but my notion is to take the bridle offwhen the game's love. '

"'But all the same he needn't get that lovin' it addles him, ' saysMissis Rucker. 'In a way, it's Dead Shot's sole fault, her actin'like she does. Instead of keepin' them Mexicans to do her work, DeadShot ought to make her go surgin' round, an' care for her househerse'f. Thar ain't nobody needs steady employment more'n a woman. You-all savvys where it says that Satan finds some mischief still foridle hands to do? Which you bet that bluff means women--an'postmasters--every time. '

"Missis Rucker continues along sim'lar lines, mighty inflexible, forquite a spell. She concloodes by sayin':

"'You keep a woman walsin' round a cook-stove, or wrastlin' a washtub, or jugglin' pots an' skillets, same as them sleight-of-hand folks atthe Bird Cage Op'ry House, an' she won't be so free to primp an' preenan' look at herse'f in the glass, an' go gaddin' after letters whichshe herse'f's done writ. '

"We-all can't he'p hearin' this yere, seen' we're settin' round the O. K. Dinin' table feedin' at the time; but we stubbornly refooses to bedrawed into any views, Enright settin' us the example. That sagaciousold warchief merely reaches for the salt-hoss, an' never yeeps;wharupon we maintains ourselves stoodiously yeepless likewise. 

"Things goes on swingin' an' rattlin', an' the open-air flirtationswhich Dead Shot's wife keeps up with that outcast of a postmaster'senough to give you a chill. We sets thar, powerless, expectin' akillin' every minute. An' all the time, like his eyes has took alayoff, Dead Shot wanders to an' fro, boastin' an' braggin' in themushiest way about his wife. Moreover--an' this trenches oneediotcy--he goes out of his path to make a pard of the postmaster, an' has that deebauchee over to his shack evenin's. 

"Dead Shot even begins publicly singin' the praises of this officeholder. 

"'Which it's this a-way, ' he says; 'what with him bein' book-read an'a sport who's seen foreign lands, he's company for my wife. Sheherse'f's eddicated to a feather-edge; an', nacherally, that's whatgives 'em so much in common. '

"Thar's all the same a note in Dead Shot's voice that's like the echoof a groan. It looks, too, as though it sets fire to Texas, who jumpsup as if he's stung by a trant'ler. 

"'Come, ' he says, grabbin' Boggs by the shoulder. 

"Texas has Boggs drug half-way to the door, before Enright can head'em off. 

"'Whar to?' demands Enright; an' then adds, 'don't you-all boys gonigh that post office. '

"'All right, ' says Texas final, but gulpin' a little; 'since it's youwho says so, Sam, we won't. Me an' Dan yere'll merely take a little_passear_ as far as the graveyard, by way of reecoverin' our speritsan' to get the air. I'll shore blow up if obleeged to listen to thatDead Shot any longer. '

"'I sees it in his eye, ' Enright explains in a low tone to Peets, ashe resoomes his cha'r; 'Texas is simply goin' to bend his gun overthat letter man's head. '

"'How often has I told you, Dan, ' asks Texas, after they gets headedfor Boot Hill, an' Texas has regained his aplomb, 'that women is abrace game?'

"'Not all women, ' Boggs objects; 'thar's Nell. '

"'Shore; Nell!' Texas consents. 'Sech as her has all of the honor an'honesty of a Colt's-45. A gent can rely on the Nellie brand, same ashe can on his guns. But Nellie's one in one thousand. Them other ninehundred an' ninety-nine'll deal you the odd-kyard, Dan, every time. '

"When Texas an' Boggs arrives at Boot Hill, Texas goes seelectin'about, same as if he's searchin' out a site for a grave. At last hefinds a place whar thar's nothin' but mesquite, soapweed an' rocks, it's that ornery:

"'Yere's whar we plants him, ' says Texas; 'off yere, by himse'f, likeas if he's so much carrion. '

"'Who you talkin' about?' asks Boggs, some amazed. 

"'Who?' repeats Texas; 'whoever but that postmaster? Dead Shot's gotto get him soon or late. An' followin' the obsequies, thar ain't goin'to be no night gyards neither. Which if them coyotes wants to dig himup, they're welcome. It's their lookout, not mine; an' I ain't got nolove for coyotes no how. '

"'Thar ain't no coyote in Cochise County who's sunk that low he'll eathim, ' says Boggs. 

"Like every other outfit, Wolfville sees its hours of sunshine an' itshours of gloom, its lights an' its shadders. But I'm yere to statethat it never suffers through no more nerve-rackin' eepock than thatwhich it puts in about Dead Shot an' his wife. She don't bother us somuch as him. It's Dead Shot himse'f, praisin' up the postmaster an'paintin' the sun-kissed virchoose of his wife, which keeps the sweata-pourin' down the commoonal face. An' all that's left us is to standpat, an' wait for the finish!

"One day the Wells-Fargo people sends Dead Shot to Santa Fe to take amoney box over to Taos. Two days later, Dead Shot's wife finds she'sgot to go visit Tucson. Likewise, the postmaster allows he's beenordered to Wilcox, to straighten out some deepartmental kinks. Whichwe certainly sets thar an' looks at each other!--the play's thatrank. 

"The postmaster an' Dead Shot's wife goes rumblin' out on the samestage. Monte starts to tell us what happens when he returns, but theold profligate don't get far. 

"'Gents, ' he says, 'that last trip, when Dead Shot's----'

"'Shet up, ' roars Enright, an' Monte shore shets up. 

"It comes plenty close to killin' the mis'rable old dipsomaniac atthat. He swells an' he swells, with that pent-up information insideof him, ontil he looks like a dissipated toad. But sech is his awe ofEnright, he never dar's opens his clamshell. 

"It's a week before Dead Shot's wife gets back, an' the postmasterdon't show up till four days more. Then Dead Shot himse'f comestrackin' in. 

"Faro Nell, who's eyes is plumb keen that a-way, lets on to Cherokeeprivate that Dead Shot looks sorrow-ridden. But I don't know! DeadShot's nacherally grave, havin' no humor. A gent who constant goesmessin' round with road agents, shootin' an' bein' shot at, ain't aptto effervesce. Nell sticks to it, jest the same, that he's onder acloud. 

"Dead Shot continyoos to play his old system, an' cavorts 'round plumbfriendly with the postmaster, an' goes teeterin' yere an' thar tellin'what a boon from heaven on high his wife is, same as former. 

"Faro Nell shakes her head when Cherokee mentions this last:

"'That's his throw-off, ' she says. 

"One evenin' Dead Shot comes trailin' into the Red Light, an' strollsover to whar Cherokee's dealin' bank. 

"'What's the limit?' he asks. 

"At this, we-all looks up a whole lot. It's the first time ever DeadShot talks of puttin' down a bet. 

"Cherokee's face is like a mask, the face of the thorough-paced kyardsharp. He shows no more astonishment than if Dead Shot's been settin'in ag'inst his game every evenin' for a month. 

"'One hundred an' two hundred, ' says Cherokee. 

"_'Bueno!'_ an' Dead Shot lays down two one-hundred dollar billsbetween the king and queen. 

"Thar's two turns. The third the kyards falls 'ten-king, ' an' Nell, from her place on the lookout's stool, shoves over two hundred dollarsin bloo checks. Thar they are, with the two one-hundred dollar bills, between the king an' queen. 

"'Does it go as it lays?' asks Dead Shot, it bein' double the limit. 

"'It goes, ' says Cherokee, never movin' a muscle. 

"One turn, an' the kyards falls 'trey-queen. ' Nell shoves four hundredacross to match up with Dead Shot's four hundred. 

"'An' now?' Dead Shot asks. 

"'I'll turn for it, ' Cherokee responds. 

"It's yere that Dead Shot's luck goes back on him. The turn comes'queen-jack, ' an' Nell rakes down the eight hundred. 

"Dead Shot's hand goes to the butt of his gun. 

"'I've been robbed, ' he growls; 'thar's fifty-three kyards in thatdeck. '

"Cherokee's on his feet, his eyes like two steel p'ints, gun halfdrawed. But Nell's as quick. Her hand's on Cherokee's, an' she keepshis gun whar it belongs. 

"'Steady!' she says; 'can't you see he's only coaxin' you to bump himoff?' Then, with her face full on Dead Shot, she continyoos: 'It won'tdo, Dead Shot; it won't do none! You-all can't get it handed to youyere! You're in the wrong shop; you-all ought to try next door!' An'Nell p'ints with her little thumb through the wall to the postoffice. 

"Dead Shot stands thar the color of seegyar ashes, while Cherokeesettles ca'mly back in his cha'r. Cherokee's face is as bar' ofexpression as a blank piece of paper, as he runs his eye along thelay-out, makin' ready for the next turn. Thar's mebby a dozen of usplayin', but not a word is spoke. Everyone is onto Dead Shot's littlegame, the moment Nell begins to talk. 

"Matters seems to hang on centers, ontil Nell stretches across an'lays her baby hand on Dead Shot's:

"'Thar ain't a soul in sight, ' she says, mighty soft an' good, 'butwhat's your friend, Dead Shot. '

"Dead Shot, pale as a candle, wheels toward the door. 

"'Pore Dead Shot!' murmurs Nell, the tears in her eyes, to that extentshe has to ask Boggs to take her place as lookout. 

"Four hours goes by, an' thar's the poundin' of a pony's hoofs, an'the creak of saddle-leathers, out in front. It's the Red Dog chief, who's come lookin' for Enright. 

"They confabs a minute or two at a table to the r'ar, an' then Enrightcalls Peets over. 

"'Dead Shot's gone an' got himse'f downed, ' he says. 

[Illustration: DEAD SHOT STOPS SHORT AT THIS HITCH IN THE DISCUSSION, BYREASON OF A BULLET FROM THE LIGHTIN' BUG'S PISTOL WHICH LODGES IN HISLUNG. P. 29. ]

"'It's on the squar' gents, ' explains the Red Dog chief; 'Dead Shot'llsay so himself. He jest nacherally comes huntin' it. '

"It looks like Dead Shot, after that failure with Cherokee in the RedLight, p'ints across for Red Dog. He searches out a party who's calledthe Lightnin' Bug, on account of the spontaneous character of hissix-shooter. Dead Shot finds the Lightnin' Bug talkin' with two fellowgents. He listens awhile, an' then takes charge of the conversation. 

"'Bug, ' he says, raisin' his voice like it's a challenge--'Bug, onlyI'm afraid folks'll string you up a whole lot, I'd say it's you whostood up the stage last week in Apache Canyon. Also'--an' yere DeadShot takes to gropin' about in his jeans, same as if he's feelin' fora knife--'it's mighty customary with me, on occasions sech as this, tocut off the y'ears of----'

"Dead Shot stops short, by reason of a bullet from the Bug's pistolwhich lodges in his lungs. 

"When Peets an' Enright finds him, he's spread out on the Red Dogchief's blankets, coughin' blood, with the sorrow-stricken Bugproppin' him up one moment to drink water, an' sheddin' tears over himthe next, alternate. 

"The Red Dog chief leads out the weepin' Bug, who's lamentin' mightygrievous, an' leaves Enright an' Peets with Dead Shot. 

"'It's all right, gents, ' whispers Dead Shot; 'I comes lookin' for it, an' I gets it. Likewise, she ain't to blame; it's me. I oughtn't tohave married her that time--she only a girl, an' me a full-growed manwho should 'av had sense for both. '

"'That's no lie, ' says Peets, an' Dead Shot gives him a gratefullook. 

"'No, ' he goes on, 'she's too fine, too high--I wasn't her breed. An'I ought to have seen it. ' Yere he has a tussle to hang on. 

"Peets pours him out some whiskey. 

"'It's licker, ain't it?' Dead Shot gasps, sniffin' the glass. 'I'mfor water, Doc, licker makin' me that ornery. '

"'Down with it, ' urges Peets. 'Which, if I'm a jedge, you'll pack inlong before you're due to start anything extra serious, even if youdrinkt a gallon. '

"'Shore!' agrees Dead Shot, as though the idee brings him relief. 'Fora moment it slips my mind about me bein' plugged. But as I'm sayin', gents, don't blame her. An' don't blame him. I has my chance, an' hasit all framed up, too, when I crosses up with 'em recent over inTucson, to kill 'em both. But I can't do it, gents. The six-shooter atsech a time's played out. That's straight; it don't fill the bill; itain't adequate, that a-way. So all I can do is feel sorry for 'em, an'never let 'em know I knows. For, after all, it ain't their fault, it'smine. You sports see that, don't you? She's never meant for me, bein'too fine; an', me a man, I ought to have knowed. '

"Dead Shot ceases talkin', an' Enright glances at Peets. Peets shakeshis head plenty sorrowful. 

"'Go on, ' he says to Dead Shot; 'you-all wants us to do--what?'

"'Thar you be!' an' at the sound of Peets' voice Dead Shot's mindcomes creepin' back to camp. 'She'll be happy with him--they havin' somuch in common--an' him an' her bein' eddicated that a-way--an' himhavin' traveled a whole lot! An' this yere's what I wants, gents. Iwants you-all, as a kindness to me an' in a friendly way--seein' Ican't stay none to look-out the play myse'f--to promise to sort o'supervise round an' put them nuptials over right. I takes time by theforelock an' sends to Tucson for a sky-pilot back two days ago. Baraccidents, he'll be in camp by to-morry. He can work in at thefuneral, too, an' make it a whipsaw. '

"Dead Shot turns his eyes on Enright. It's always so about our oldchief; every party who's in trouble heads for him like a coyote for acamp fire. 

"'You'll shore see that he marries her?--Promise!'

"Thar's a quaver in Dead Shot's voice, Peets tells me, that's like apra'r. 

"'Thar's my hand, Dead Shot, ' says Enright, who's chokin' a little. 'So far as the letter man's concerned, it'll be the altar or thewindmill, Jack Moore an' a lariat or that preacher party you refersto. '

"Dead Shot's gettin' mighty weak. After Enright promises he leans backlike he's takin' a rest. He's so still they're beginnin' to figgerhe's done cashed in; but all at once he starts up like he'soverlooked some bet, an' has turned back from eternity to tend to it. 

"'About Cherokee an' his box, ' he whispers; 'that's a lyin' bluff Imakes. Tell him I don't mean nothin'; I'm only out to draw his fire. '

"After this Dead Shot only rouses once. His voice ain't more'n asigh. 

"'I forgets to tell you, ' he says, 'to give her my love. An' you say, too, that I'm bumped off like snuffin' out a candle--too plumb quickfor her to get yere. An' don't blame her, gents; it's not her fault, it's mine. '

"It's the week after the fooneral. The postmaster's still in town, partly by nacheral preference, partly because Enright notifies JackMoore to ride herd on him, an' fill him as full of lead as a bag ofbullets in event he ondertakes to go stampedin' off. 

"In the Red Light the seventh evenin' Enright rounds up Peets. 

"'Doc, ' he says, 'a month would be more respect'ble, but this yere'sbeginnin' to tell on me. '

"'Besides, ' Peets chips in, by way of he'pin' Enright out, 'thatpreacher sharp corraled over to Missis Rucker's is gettin' restless. Onless we side-lines or puts hobbles on that divine we-all can'texpect to go holdin' him much longer. '

"Enright leads the way to the r'ar wareroom of the Noo York store, which bein' whar the stranglers holds their meetin's is Wolfville'shall of jestice. After licker is brought Enright sends Jack Moore forthe postmaster, who comes in lookin' plenty white. Missis Ruckerbrings over the divine; an' next Dead Shot's widow--she's plumb lovelyin black--appears on the arm of Peets, who goes in person. 

"Thar's a question in the widow's eye, like she don't onderstand. 

"'Roll your game, ' says Enright to the preacher sharp. 

"It's yere an' now Dead Shot's widow fully b'ars out that philos'pherwho announces so plumb cold, that a-way, that women's the sublimationof the onexpected. Jack Moore's jest beginnin' to manoover thatrecreant public servant into p'sition on the widow's left hand, so'she can be married to the best advantage, an' the preacher sharp'sgettin' out an' openin' his book of rooles, when the widow drawsback. 

"P'intin' at the bridegroom postmaster, same as if he's a stingin'lizard, she addresses Enright. 

"'Whatever's the meanin' of this?'

"'Merely the croode preelim'naries, Ma'am, ' Enright explains, 'to whatwe-all trusts will prove a fa'rly deesir'ble weddin'. '

"'Me marry him?' an' the onmitigated scorn that relict exhibits, tosay nothin' of her tone of voice, shore makes the postmasterbridegroom feel chagrined. 

"'You'll pardon us, Ma'am, ' returns Enright, soft an' depreecatory, tryin' to get her feelin's bedded down, 'which you'll shore pardon usif in our dullness we misreads your sentiments. You see, the notiongets somehow proned into us that you wants this party. Which if wemakes a mistake, by way of repa'rin' that error, let me say that ifthar's any one else in sight whom you preefers, an' who's s'fficientlysingle an' yoothful to render him el'gible for wedlock, '--yere Enrighttakes in Boggs an' Texas with his gaze, wharat Texas grows asgreen-eyed as a cornered bobcat--'he's yours, Ma'am, on your p'intin'him out. '

"'Which I don't want to marry no one, ' cries the widow, commencin' tosob. 'An' as for marryin' him speshul'--yere she glances at thebridegroom postmaster in sech a hot an' drastic way he's leftshrivellin' in his own shame--'I'd sooner live an' die the widow ofDead Shot Abner Baker than be the wife of a cornfield full of sech. '

"Everybody stares, an' Enright takes a modicum of Old Jordan. 

"'You don't deeserve this none, ' he says at last, turnin' to thepostmaster bridegroom. 'Onder the circumstances, however, thar'snothin' left for me to do as cha'rman but deeclar' this yere weddin' amisdeal. '

"Texas is plumb disgusted. 

"'Don't some folks have nigger luck, Dan?' he says. 

"Later, after thinkin' things up an' down in his mind, Texas takesombrage at Enright's invitin' Dead Shot's widow to look him an' Boggsover that a-way, an' take her pick. 

"'Which sech plays don't stand ace-high with me, Sam, ' Texassays--'you tryin' to auction me off like you does. Even a stranger, with a half-way hooman heart, after hearin' my story would say that Ialready suffers enough. An' yet you, who calls yourse'f my friend, does all that lays in your callous power to thrust me back intotorment. '

"'Texas, ' replies Enright, like he's bore about all he can, 'youshorely worries me with your conceit. If you-all won't take my word, then go take a good hard look at yourse'f in the glass. Thar's neverthe slightest risk, as everybody but you yourse'f sees plainly, ofthat lady or any other lady takin' you. '

"'You thinks not?' asks Texas, plenty incensed. 

"'Which I _knows_ not. No lady's lot ain't quite that desp'rate. '

"'Well, ' returns Texas, after a pause, his face expressin' hissoreness, 'I'm yere to say, Sam, I don't agree with you, nonewhatever. You forgets that I've already been took in wedlock bonds byone lady. An' while that Laredo wife of mine is hard an' crooel, allTexas knows she's plumb partic'lar. Also, no one ever yet comespirootin' up the trail who doubts her taste. '

"It's the evenin' before the preacher sharp goes back to Tucson, whenEnright edges him off into a corner of the O. K. Dinin' room. 

"'Parson, ' says Enright, lookin' like he's a heap bothered aboutsomethin'--'parson, in addition to your little game as a preacher thata-way, you don't happen to be up none on table-tippin' or speritrappin', same as them mediums, do you?'

"'Which I shore don't, ' replies the preacher sharp, archin' his neck, indignant. 'Likewise, I regyards them cer'monials you alloodes to assatantic in their or'gin. '

"'Doubtless, parson, ' returns Enright, some disapp'inted, 'doubtless. Still, if you-all but counts the rings on my horns, as givin' someimpression of the years I've lived an' what troubles I've probablygone through, you'll onderstand that I ain't takin' Satan no moreserious than a empty six-shooter. But the mere trooth is, parson, I'mpestered by them promises I makes deeceased. Which I'd give a yellowstack to get put next to Dead Shot's sperit long enough to explainconcernin' them nuptials, an' make cl'ar jest how me an' the Doc fallsdown. '"

II

OLD MAN ENRIGHT'S UNCLE

"Which you'll excoose me, " and the old cattleman replaced his glassupon the table with a decisive click, "if I fails to j'ine you in themsent'ments. For myse'f, I approves onreserved of both lies an' liars. Also, that reemark goes double when it comes to public liars tellin'public lies. Which, however se'fish it may sound, I prefers thisgov'ment to last my time; an' it's my idee that if them statesmen backat Washington ever takes a hour off from their tax-eatin' an' tellsthe people the trooth, the whole trooth an' nothin' but the trooth oftheir affairs, said people'll be down on the sityooation instanter, like a weasel on a nest of field mice, an' wipe the face of nacherfree an' cl'ar of these United States. "

The above was drawn forth by my condemnatory comments on the publishedspeech of a Senator, wherein the truth was as a grain of wheat in abushel of mendacious chaff. 

"Shore, " continued the old gentleman, with the manner of one whodelivers final judgment, "lies is not only to be applauded, butfostered. They're the angle-irons an' corner-braces that keeps plumbthe social fabric, wantin' which the whole frame-work of soci'ty wouldgo leanin' sideways, same as that Eyetalian tower you shows me thepicture of the other day. Why, if everybody in the world was to gotellin' the trooth for the next hour ninety-nine folks in everyhundred would be obleeged to put in the rest of their lives hidin'out. 

"Do I myse'f ever lie?

"Frequent an' plumb cheerful. I bases life on the rooles laid down bythat sharp who advises folks to do unto others as others does untothem, an' beat 'em to it. Believin', tharfore, in handin' a gent hisown system, I makes it my onbreakable practice to allers lie to liars. Then, ag'in, whenever some impert'nent prairie dog takes to rummagin''round with queries to find out my deesigns, I onflaggingly fills himto the brim with all forms of misleadin' mendac'ty, an' casts everyfictional obstruction in his path that's calc'lated to get betweenhis heels an' trip him up. I shore do admire to stand all sechinquirin' mavericks on their heads, an' partic'ler if they're plottin'ag'in me. 

"An' why not? A party that a-way, as I some time ago instructs you, ain't got no more right to search my head than to search my warbags, an' a gent who may lock a door may lie. Which, if you'll go off byyourse'f an' think this yere over, you'll see that it's so, an' sowith a double cinch. 

"Thar's statements, too, which, speakin' technical, might be regyardedas lyin' which don't in jestice class onder no sech head. Forspec'men, when Dick Wooten, upon me askin' him how long he's beeninhabitin' the Raton Pass, p'ints to the Spanish Peaks an' says, 'Yousee them em'nences? Well, when I pitches camp in this yere gully themmountings was two holes in the ground, ' I don't feel like he's lyin'. I merely remembers that he steals the bluff from old Jim Bridger, grins an' lets it go at that. 

"Likewise, I'm sim'larly onaffected towards that amiable multitoodewho simply lies to entertain. These yere latter sports in theirpreevar'cations is public ben'factors. You-all can spread yourse'fout in the ca'm shadow of their yarns, same as if it's the shade of atree, an' find tharin reefreshment an' reepose. 

"While the most onimag'native of us, from Peets to Cherokee, ain'tnone puny as conversationists, the biggest liar, ondoubted, who evercomes romancin' into Wolfville is Enright's uncle, who visits him thattime. Back in Tennessee a passel of scientists makes what this yererelative of Enright's deescribes as a 'Theological Survey' of somewaste land he has on Gingham Mountain, an' finds coal. An' after thathe's rich. Thus, in his old age, but chipper as a coopful of catbirds, he comes rackin' into town, allowin' he'll take a last look at hisnephy, Sam, before he cashes in. 

"His name is Stallins, bein' he's kin to Enright on his mother's side, an' since thar's nine ahead of him--Enright's mother bein' among thefirst--an' he don't come along as a infant ontil the heel of thedomestic hunt that a-way, he's only got it on Enright by ten years inthe matter of age. 

[Illustration: THE SECOND EVENING OLD STALLINS IS WITH US, DAN BOGGS AN'TEXAS THOMPSON UPLIFTS HIS AGED SPERITS WITH THE "LOVE DANCE OF THECATAMOUNTS. " p. 43. ]

"No, I shore shouldn't hes'tate none to mention him as a top-sawyeramong liars, the same bein' his constant boast an' brag. He acceptsthe term as embodyin' a compliment, an' the quick way to get hisbristles up is to su'gest that his genius for mendac'ty is beginnin'to bog down. 

"For all that, Enright imparts to me, private, that the old gent as aliar ain't a marker to his former se'f. 

"'You've heard tell, ' Enright says, 'of neighborhood liars, an'township liars, an' county liars; an' mebby even of liars whose fameas sech might fill the frontiers of a state. Take my uncle, say fortyyears ago, an' give him the right allowance of baldface whiskey, an'the coast-to-coast expansiveness of them fictions he tosses off shoreentitles him to the name of champion of the nation. Compar'd to him, Ananias is but a ambitious amatoor. '

"It's the second evenin' old Stallins is with us, an' Enright takeshim over to Hamilton's Dance Hall, whar Boggs an' Texas--by partic'larreequest--uplifts his aged sperits with that y'ear-splittin' an'toomultuous minyooet, the 'Love Dance of the Catamounts. ' Which theexh'bition sets his mem'ry to millin', an' when we gets back to theRed Light he breaks out remin'scent. 

"'Sammy, ' he says to Enright, 'you was old enough to rec'llect when Ihas that location over on the upper Hawgthief? Gents, ' he goes on, turnin' to us, 'it's a six-forty, an'--side hill, swamp an' bottom--asgood a section as any to be crossed up with between the Painted Postan' the 'Possum Trot. It's that "Love Dance of the Catamounts" whichbrings it to my mind, since it's then an' thar, by virchoo of acatamount, I wins my Sarah Ann. 

"'She's shore the star-eyed Venus of the Cumberland, is my Sarah Ann. Her ha'r, black as paint, is as thick as a pony's mane; her lips isthe color of pokeberry juice; her cheeks--round an' soft--is as cl'aran' bright an' glowin' as a sunset in Jooly; her teeth is asmilk-white as the inside of a persimmon seed. She's five-foot-elevenwithout her mocassins, stands as up an' down as a pine tree, got a armon her like the tiller of a scow, an' can heft a full-sized side ofbeef an' hang it on the hook. That's fifty years ago. She's back homeon the Hawgthief waitin' for me now, my Sarah Ann is. You'd say she'sas gray as a 'possum, an' as wrinkled as a burnt boot. Mebby so; butnot to me, you bet. She's allers an' ever to me the same endoorin'hooman sunburst I co'tes an' marries that long time ago. '

"Old Stallins pauses to reefresh himse'f, an' Texas, who's beenfidgetin' an' frettin' since the first mention of Sarah Ann, goeswhisperin' to Boggs. 

"'Can't some of you-all, ' he says, plenty peevish, 'head this yeremushy old tarrapin off? This outfit knows what I suffers with thatLaredo wife of mine. An' yet it looks like I'm to be tortured constantwith tales of married folks, an' not one hand stretched out to save mefrom them reecitals. '

"'Brace up, ' returns Boggs, tryin' to comfort him. 'Thicken your hideag'in sech childish feelin's, an' don't be so easy pierced. Besides, Ireckons the worst's over. He's comin' now to them catamounts. '

"Texas grinds his teeth, an' old Stallins resoomes his adventures. 

"'My Sarah Ann's old pap has his location jest across the Hawgthieffrom me. Besides him an' Sarah Ann, thar ain't nobody but the oldwoman in the fam'ly, the balance of 'em havin' been swept away in afreshet. Shore, old man Bender--that's Sarah Ann's pap's name--hasfourteen children once, Sarah Ann, who's oldest, bein' the firstchicken on the domestic roost. But the other thirteen is carried offone evenin' when, what with the rains an' what with the snow meltin'back on Gingham Mountain, the Hawgthief gets its back up. Swish comesa big wave of water, an' you hear me them children goes coughin' an'kickin' an' splutterin' into the misty beyond. 

"'Which I says thirteen only because that's whar old Bender allersputs his loss. Zeb Stiles, who lives on the Painted Post, insists thatit's fifteen who gets swept away that time. He allows he counts theminfant Benders two evenin's before, perched along on old Bender'spalin's like pigeons on a limb. Thirteen or fifteen, however, it don'tmake no difference much, once they're submerged, that a-way. 

"'Mebby I've been co'tin' my Sarah Ann for goin' on six months, givin'her b'ar robes an' mink pelts, with now an' then a pa'r of bald eaglewings to bresh the hearth. Nothin' heart-movin', however, comes offbetween us, Sarah Ann keepin' me at arm's len'th an' comportin'herse'f plumb uppish, as a maiden should. She's right; a likely girlcan't be too conserv'tive techin' what young an' boundin' bucks comesco'tin' at her house. 

"'Old Bender sort o' likes me in streaks. After he gets bereft of themthirteen or fifteen offspring he turns morose a whole lot, an' I usedto go 'cross in my dugout an' cheer him up with my lies. 

"'Could I lie?

"'My nephy, Sammy, thar'll nar'ate how I once lies a full-grown b'arto death. The cunnin' varmint takes advantage of me bein' without myweepons, an' chases me up a tree. I ensconces myse'f in the crotch, an' when the b'ar starts to climb I hurls down ontrooth after ontroothon top of him ontill, beneath a avalanche of falsehood, he's crusheddead at the base of the tree. Could I lie, you asks? Even folks whodon't like me concedes that I'm the most irresist'ble liar south ofthe Ohio river. 

"'While I'm upliftin' the feelin's of old Bender mendacious thata-way, he likes me; it's only when we gets to kyard-playin' he waxessour. He's a master-hand to gamble, old Bender is, an' as shore as Ishows up, followin' a lie or two, he's bound he'll play me seven-upfor a crock of baldface whiskey. Now thar ain't a sport from the Knobsof old Knox to the Mississippi who could make seed corn off me atseven-up, an' nacherally I beats old Bender out of the baldface. 

"'With that he'd rave an' t'ar, an' make like he's goin' to jump forhis 8-squar' Hawkins rifle, whar she's hangin' on a pa'r of antlersover the door; but he'd content himse'f final by orderin' me out ofthe shack, sayin' that no sech kyard-sharpin' galoot as me need comepesterin' 'round allowin' to marry no child of his'n. At sech eepocks, too, it looks like Sarah Ann sees things through the eyes of her oldman, an' she's more'n common icy. 

"'One day old Bender goes weavin' over to Pineknot, an' starts totradin' hosses with Zeb Stiles. They seesaws away for hours, an' oldBender absorbs about two dollars' worth of licker, still-house rates. In the finish Zeb does him brown an' does him black on the swap, so itdon't astonish nobody to death when next day he quiles up in hisblankets sick. Marm Bender tries rekiverin' him with yarbs, an'kumfrey tea, an' sweet gum sa'v. When them rem'dies proves footile shedecides that perhaps a frolic'll fetch him. 

"'It's about second drink time in the afternoon when Marm Benderstarts out Fiddler Abe, givin' notice of the treat. I hears the oldnigger as, mule-back, he goes meanderin' along, singin':

 Thar's a smoke house full of bacon, An' a barrel full of rum. For to eat an' drink an' shake a laig You've only got to come. 

"'As soon as Fiddler Abe starts singin' the girls an' boys begincomin' out of the woods like red ants out of a burnin' log, headin'hotfoot for old Bender's. 

"'Do I go?

"'It ain't a hour after candle lightin' when, with mebby it's a pintof baldface onder the buckle of my belt, I'm jumpin' higher, shoutin'louder, an' doin' more to loosen the puncheons in the floor than anyfour males of my species who's present at that merry-makin'. It he'psold Bender, too, an' inspired by the company an' onder the inflooenceof four or five stiff toddies, he resolves not to let that hoss tradecarry him to a ontimely grave, an' is sittin' up in his blankets, yellin', "Wake snakes; an' Gin'ral Jackson fit the Injuns!" in happyaccord with the sperit of his times. 

"'Fiddler Abe strikes into the exyooberant strains of "Little BlackBull Come Down the Mountains, " an' I hauls Ten-spot Mollie out of thegin'ral ruck of calico for a reel. We calls her Ten-spot Molliebecause she's got five freckles on each cheek. All the same, when itcomes to dancin', she's shore a she-steamboat. Every time we swingsshe hefts me plumb free of the floor, an' bats my heels ag'in therafters ontil both ankles is sprained. 

"'Sarah Ann falls jealous, seem' me an' Ten-spot Mollie thuspleasantly engaged, an' to get even goes to simperin' an' talkin'giggle-talk to Mart Jenkins, who's rid in from Rapid Run. Jenks is aoffensive numbskull who's wormed his way into soci'ty by lickin' allthe boys 'round his side of Gingham Mountain. At that, he's merelytol'rated. 

"'Seein' Sarah Ann philanderin' with Jenks, I lets go of Ten-spotMollie, who goes raspin' an' rollin' into a corner some abrupt, an'sa'nters across to whar they're at. Leanin' over Sarah Ann'soff-shoulder, bein' the one furthest from that onmitigated Jenks, Isays, "Sweetheart, how can you waste time talkin' to this yere hoomanSahara, whose intellects is that sterile they wouldn't raisecow-pease?"

"'This makes Jenks oneasy, an' getting up, he reemarks, "DickStallins, I'll be the all-firedest obleeged to you if you'll attend onme to the foot of the hollow, an' bring your instrooments. "

"'At this I explains that I ain't got my instrooments with me, havin'left both rifle an' bowie in the dugout when I paddles over to thedance. 

"'Jenks makes a insultin' gesture, an' reetorts, "Don't crawl, DickStallins. Borry old Bender's nine-inch bootcher, an' come with me. "

"'To appease him I says I will, an' that I'll j'ine him at the beforenamed slaughter-ground in the flicker of a lamb's tail. Jenks stalksoff plumb satisfied, while I searches out Ben Hazlett, an' whispersthat Jenks is askin' for him some urgent, an' has gone down the tracetowards the foot of the hollow to look him up. Nacherally, mydiplom'cy in this yere behalf sends Ben cavortin' after Jenks; an'this relieves me a heap, knowin' that all Jenks wants is a fight, an'Ben'll do him jest as well as me. 

"'Which them was shorely happy days!' he continyoos, settin' down thebottle wharwith he's been encouragin' his faculties. 'Troo, every genthas to sleep with his head in a iron kettle for fear of Injuns, an' ahundred dollars is bigger'n a cord of wood, but life is plentyblissful jest the same. '

"'Was you afraid of this yere Jenks?' asks Boggs. 

"'No more'n if he's a streak of lightnin'. Only, I've got on a newhuntin' shirt, made of green blanket cloth, an' I ain't none strenuousabout havin' that gyarment all slashed up. 

"'To proceed: After I dispatches Ben on the heels of Jenks that a-wayit occurs to me that mebby I'm sort o' tired with the labors of theevenin', an' I'll find my dugout, ferry myse'f over to my own properwickyup, an' hit the hay for a snooze. I'm some hurried to theconcloosion by the way in which eevents begins to accumyoolate in myimmedyit vicin'ty. Bill Wheeler announces without a word of warnin'that he's a flyin' alligator, besides advancin' the theery that GeneHemphill is about as deeserv'dly pop'lar as a abolitionist in SouthCaroliny. I suspects that this attitoode of mind on Bill's part islikely to provoke discussion, which suspicion is confirmed when Geneknocks Bill down, an' boots him into the dooryard. Once in the open, after a clout or two, Gene an' Bill goes to a clinch an' the fightin'begins. 

"'It ain't no time when the circumf'rence of trouble spreads. BudIngalls makes a pass at me pers'nal, an' by way of reeprisal I smashesa stewpan on him. Bud's head goes through the bottom, like the clownthrough them paper hoops in a cirkus, the stewpan fittin' down 'roundhis neck same as one of them Elizbethan ruffs. The stewpan ockyoopiesso much of Bud's attention that I gets impatient, an' so, tellin' himI ain't got no time to wait, I leaves him strugglin' with thatyootensil, an' strolls off down to the Hawgthief whistlin' "SandyLand. "

"'It's dark as the inside of a cow, an' somehow I misses the dugout;but bein' stubborn, an' plumb sot about gettin' home, I wades in an'begins to swim. The old Hawgthief is bank full, but I'd have madet'other side all right if it ain't that, as I swims out from onder theoverhangin' branch of a tree, somethin' drops into the water behindme, an' comes snarlin' an' splashin' an' spittin' along in pursoote. Idon't pay much heed at the jump, but when it claws off my nighmoccasin, leavin' a inch-deep gash in my heel, I glances back an'perceives by the two green eyes that I've become an object ofcomsoomin' int'rest to a pa'nter, or what you-all out yere calls amountain lion, an' we-uns back in Tennessee a catamount. '

"'But a panther won't swim, ' reemonstrates Tutt. 

"'Arizona catamounts won't, ' returns old Stallins, 'thar bein' norivers to speak of. But in Tennessee, whar thar's rivers to waste, them cats takes to the water like so many muskrats. 

"'When I finds that thar's nothin' doggin' me but a catamount, I headsall casyooal for whar a tree's done been lodged midstream, merelyflingin' the reemark over my shoulder to the catamount that, if hekeeps on annoyin' me, he'll about pick up the makin's of a maulin'. As I crawls out on the bole of the lodged tree, I can hear thecatamount sniggerin', same as if he's laughin' me to scorn, an' thisyere insultin' contoomely half-way makes me mad. Which I ain't in thehabit of bein' took lightly by no catamount. 

"'Drawin' myse'f out o' the water, I straddles the bole of my tree, an' organizes for the catamount, who's already crawlin' after me. T'arin' off a convenient bough the thickness of your laig, I arrangesmyse'f as a reeception committee for visitin' catamounts, an' by wayof beginnin' confers on my partic'lar anamile sech a bat over thesnout that he falls back into the drink, an' starts to swimmin' fancyan' goin' 'round in circles, same as if his funny-bone's been teched. 

"'Every time he gets in reach I jabs him in the eye with the splinterend of the bough, an' at last he grows that disgusted at theseformal'ties he swims off to the bank. Thar he camps down on hisha'nches, an' glares green-eyed at me across the ragin' flood. 

"'Shore, I could have raised the long yell for he'p, but am withheldby foolish pride. Besides, I can hear Ben an' Jenks tusslin' an'gruntin' an' carryin' on over in the mouth of the hollow, as theykyarves into each other with their knives, an' don't want to distracttheir attention. 

"'As I sets camped thar on my lodged tree, an' the catamount isplanted on the bank, I hears the lippin' splash of a paddle, an' thena voice which sounds like a chime of bells floats across to ask, "DickStallins, you ornery runnigate, wharever be you?"

"'It's my Sarah Ann, whose love, gettin' the upper hand of maidenlyreeserve, has sent her projectin' 'round in search of me. She's in mydugout. 

"'The catamount identifies her as soon as me; an' thinkin' she oughtto be easy, he slides into the water ag'in an' starts for theboat. It's that dark I ain't shore of his deesigns ontil I seeshim reach up, tip the dugout over, an' set Sarah Ann to wallowin' inthe rushin' torrent. The dugout upsets on the catamount, an' this soconfooses him that, by the time he's got his bearin's, Sarah Ann'sbeen swept down to my tree, an' I've lifted her to a seat by myside. The catamount don't try to lay siege to our p'sition, recognizing it as impregnable, but paddles back to the shore an'goes into watchful camp as prior. 

"'For myse'f, I'm so elevated with love an' affection at havin' SarahAnn with me, I dismisses the catamount as a dead issue, an' as sechbeneath contempt, an' by way of mollifyin' Sarah Ann's feelin's, cutsloose an' kisses her a gross or two of times, an' each like the crackof a bull-whacker's whip. 

"'Old Bender hears them caresses plumb up to his house--as well hemay, they're that onreeserved an' earnest--an' thinks it's some oneshootin' a rifle. It has the effect of bringin' out the old Spartanwith his Hawkins; an' the first word of it that reaches me an' SarahAnn is him, Marm Bender an' the whole b'ilin' of folks is down thar onthe bank, tryin' to make out in the gen'ral dimness whatever be we-alllovers doin' out thar in the middle of the Hawgthief on a snag. 

"'They don't deetect my catamount none, which sagacious feline slinksoff into the shadows covered with confoosion; all they sees is us. An'the spectacle certainly excites old Bender. "Gen'ral Jackson fit theInjuns!" he exclaims, as all of a sudden a thought strikes him; "thatmeasly excoose for a Union Democrat out thar is seekin' to eelope withour Sarah Ann. "

"'The old murderer starts to get a bead on me with the Hawkins. "Father, " yells Marm Bender, pullin' at his sleeve, "you shore must bemistook. "

"'Old Bender won't have it. "Maw, " he returns, strivin' to disengagehimse'f, "I was never mistook about nothin' in my life but once, an'that's when I shifts from baldface whiskey to hard cider on atemp'rance argyooment. Let me go, woman, till I drill the miscreantan' wash the stain from our fam'ly honor. "

"'Before the old hom'cide can get to launderin' the fam'ly honor in myblood, however, Sarah Ann has interposed. "Don't go to blazing away atmy Dickey, pop, " she sings out, "or I'll shore burn every improvementyou got, an' leave you an' maw an' me roofless in the midst of thewilderness. "

"'This goes a long way towards soberin' down old Bender, because heknows my Sarah Ann's the Cumberland hollyhock to put them menaces intoexecootion. He lowers the muzzle of his old 8-squar', an' allows if Ipromises to marry the girl I can swim ashore an' be forgiven. 

"'Thus the matter ends mighty amic'ble. We'all goes trackin' up to thehouse, a preacher is rushed to the scene from Pineknot, an' themnuptials between Sarah Ann an' me is sol'mnized. Shore, Jenks an' Benis thar. They're found by a committee of their friends scattered aboutat the foot of the hollow, an' is collected an' brought up to theweddin' in blankets. Dave Daniels, who surveys the scene next day, says you could plant corn whar they fit, it's that plowed up. 

"'Followin' the cer'mony Marm Bender an' the old gent takes me intotheir hearts an' cabin like I'm their own an' only son. He's a greatold daddy-in-law, old Bender is, an' is ven'rated for forty milesabout Gingham Mountain, as deevoted heart an' soul to baldface, seven-up an' sin in any shape. 

"'That match-makin' catamount?

"'We hives him. Me an' my new daddy-in-law tracks him to his reetreat, an' when we're through he's plumb used up. I confers the pelt on mySarah Ann; an' she spreads it on the floor over by her side of thebed, so as to put her little number sevens on it when she boils out ofa winter's mornin' to light the fire, an' rustle me my matoot'nalbuckwheat cakes an' sa'sage. '"

III

CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN

"This yere speecific heroine is a heap onconventional, so much so asto be plumb puzzlin' to the common mind. Jest the same, she finisheswinner, an' makes herse'f a gen'ral source of pride. She don't notifyus, none whatever, that she intends a Wolfville deboo; jest nacherallydescends upon us, that a-way, as onannounced as a mink on a settin'hen. All the same, we knows she's comin' while yet she's five mile outon the trail. Not that we savvys who she is or what she aims at; wemerely gets moved up next to the fact that she's a lady, an' likewiseno slouch for looks. 

"We reads these yere trooths in the dust old Monte kicks up, as hecomes swingin' in with the stage. Which it's the weakness of thisinebriate, as I tells you former, that once let him get a lady aboard, it looks like it's a signal for him to go pourin' the leather into histeam like he ain't got a minute to live. It's a p'lite attention heassoomes, in his besotted way, is doo the sex. 

"It's the more strange, too, since it's the only attention Monte everpays 'em. He never looks at 'em, never speaks to 'em; simply plantshimse'f on the box, as up an' down as a cow's tail, an' t'ars intothem harassed hosses. If the lady he's complimentin' that a-way was toget jolted overboard--which the same wouldn't be no mir'cal, considerin' how that dipsomaniac drives--it's even money he leaves herhunched up like a jack-rabbit alongside the trail, an' never thinks ofstoppin' or turnin' back. He's merely a drunkard with that one foolidee of showin' off, an' nothin' the stage people's ever able to saycan teach him different. From first to last you-all could measureMonte's notion of the pulcritoode of a petticoat passenger by theextent to which he lams loose with his whip. Given what he deems is ashe-sunburst, he shorely does maltreat the company's live stockshameful. 

"'If, ' observes Peets, as a bunch of us stands gossipin' round infront of the Red Light that time, watchin' the dust cloud draw neareran' nearer--'if it's poss'ble to imagine the old sot as havin' aCleopatra to freight over from Tucson, it's a cow pony to a Mexicansheep he'd kill one of the wheelers. '

"Thar ain't none of us knows who this yere Cleopatra the Doc refers tois, onless it's Colonel Sterett, who edits the _Daily Coyote_. Still, the compar'son is plenty convincin'. Accordin' to the Doc himself, this Cleopatra's a meteoric female party, as lively as she is lovely, who sets a passel of ancient sports to walkin' in a cirkle backsome'ers in the mists of time. Also, it's bloo chips to white, an' bet'em higher than a cat's back, the Doc knows. The Doc is ondoubted thebest eddicated gent that ever makes a moccasin track between Yuma an'the Raton Pass, an' when he onbuckles techin' any historic feachures, you can call for a gooseha'r pillow, an' go to sleep on it he ain'tbarkin' at no knot. 

"Thar's a feeble form of young tenderfoot pesterin' about the suburbsof the crowd. He's one of them hooman deficits, so plumb ornery as tobe useless East, which their fam'lies, in gettin' rid of 'em, sawshapp'ly off onto a onprotected West. This partic'lar racial disaster'sbeen on our hands now mebbe it's six months, an' we-all is hopin'that in some p'intless sort o' way he'll brace up and do overt actswhich entitles us to stampede him out of camp. But so far he don't. 

"This yere exile comes wanderin' into the talk by askin'--his voice asthin as a curlew's:

"'Who is this old Monte you're alloodin' at?'

"'Whoever he is?' says Boggs. 'Which if you-all'd struck camp by wayof Tucson, instead of skulkin' upon us in the low-down fashion youdoes along of the Lordsburg-Red Dog buckboard, you wouldn't have toask none. He's the offishul drunkard of Arizona, Monte is. Which thesame should be notice, too, that it's futile for you to go ropin' atthat p'sition. I says this, since from the quantity of Old Jordanyou've been mowin' away, I more'n half infers that you nourishesdesigns upon the place. '

"The feeble young shorthorn smiles a puny smile, and don't lunge forthinto no more queries. 

"Texas, who's been listenin' to what Boggs says, squar's 'round an'half-way erects his crest for an argyooment. Texas has had maritaltroubles, an' him ponderin' the same constant renders him some morbidan' morose. 

"'From your tone of voice, Dan, ' remarks Texas, 'I takes it you holdsMonte's appetite for nose paint to be a deefect. That's whar Idiffers. That old marauder is a drunkard through sheer excess ofguile. He finds in alcohol his ark of refooge. I only wish I'd took towhiskey in my 'teens. '

"Boggs is amazed. 

"'Texas, ' he says, plenty sorrowful, 'it wouldn't astonish me none ifyou finds your finish in a wickeyup deevoted to loonatics, playin'with a string of spools. '

"'That's your onthinkin' way. Do you reckon now, if I'd been a slaveto drink when that Laredo wife of mine first sees me, she'd havew'irled me to the altar an' made me the blighted longhorn you seesnow? She wouldn't have let me get near enough to her to give her abunch of grapes. It's my sobri'ty that's my ondoin', that an' bein'plumb moral. Which I onerringly traces them divorce troubles, an' hersellin' up my stock at public vandoo for cost an' al'mony like shedoes, to me weakly holdin' aloof from whisky when I'm young. '

"'Which I shore, '--an' Boggs shows he's mighty peevish an' putout--'never meets up with a more exasp'ratin' conversationist! It'sbecause you're sech an' egreegious egotist! You-all can't talk tenminutes, Texas, but what you're allers bringin' in them domesticaffairs of yours. If you desires to discuss whiskey abstract, an' fromwhat the Doc thar calls a academic standp'int, I'm your gent. But Ideclines to be drug into personal'ties, in considerin' which I mightbe carried by the heat of deebate to whar I gets myse'f shot up. '

"'I sees your attitood, Dan; I sees your attitood, an' respects it. Jest the same, thar's an anti-nuptial side to the liquor question, an'bein' a drunkard that a-way is not without its compensations. '

"'But he's bound to be so blurred, ' reemonstrates Boggs, who by nacheris dispootatious, an' once started prone to swing an' rattle with atopic like a pup to a pig's y'ear: 'That drunkard is so plumbblurred. '

"'Blurred but free, Dan, ' retorts Texas, mighty firm. 'Don't overlookno sech bet as that drunkard bein' free. Also, it's better to be freethan sober. '

"'Goin' back to Monte, ' says Boggs, returning to the orig'nal text;'half the time, over to the O. K. Restauraw when Missis Rucker slamshim down his chuck, he ain't none shore he's eatin' flapjacks orrattlesnakes. The other day, when Rucker drops a plate, he jumps threefeet in the air, throws up his hands an' yells, "Take the express box, gents, but spar' my life!" It's whiskey does it. The old cimmaronthinks it's road agents stickin' him up. '

"Dispoote is only ended by the stage thunderin' in--leathers creakin', chains jinglin', bosses a lather of sweat an' alkali dust, Montecocked up on the box as austere as a treeful of owls. He's for openin'the door, but Peets is thar before him. Let it get dealt down toshowin' attentions to a lady, an' the briskest sport'll have to movesome sudden, or the Doc'll beat him to it. Which he certainly is thep'litest drug sharp of which hist'ry makes mention!

"The Doc offers his hand to he'p her out, but she hits the groundonaided as light as any leaf. Nacherally we looks her over. Take herfrom foretop to fetlocks, she's as lovely as a diamond flush. She'sgot corn-colored ha'r, an' eyes as soft as the sky in Joone. Peetscalls 'em azure--bein' romantic. As for the rest of us, we don't call'em nothin'. Thar's a sprightly look about 'em, which would shorejestify any semi-proodent gent in jumpin' sideways. Likewise, she'spackin' a Colt's . 45, an' clutchin' a winchester in her little claw, the same contreebutin' a whole lot toward makin' her impressive as apageant. 

"'How are you, sports?' she says, tossin' her disengaged hand aheap arch. 'I gets word about you-all up in Vegas, an' allows I'llcome trundlin' down yere an' size you up. My idee is you needsregen'ratin'. '

"'Is thar anything we-all can he'p you to, Miss?' asks Enright, whotakes the play away from Peets. 'If aught is wanted, an' thar's alariat in the outfit long enough to reach, you-all can trust Wolfvilleto rope, throw an' hawg-tie the same accordin' to your wishes. '

"'Yes, ' adds Peets, 'as Sam says, if thar's any little way we-all canserve you, Miss, jest say the word. Likewise, if you don't feel likespeakin', make signs; an' if you objects to makin' signs, shake abush. All we reequires is the slightest hint. '

"'Be ca'm, ' says the young lady, her manner as se'f-confident as ifshe's a queen. 'Thar's nothin' demanded of you outlaws except totamely listen. I'm a se'f-respectin', se'f-supportin' young female, who believes in Woman Suffrage, an' the equality of the sexes inpol'tics an' property rights. Which my name is Bark, baptizedCynthiana, the same redooced by my old pap, while yet alive, into thepet name of Original Sin. It's my present purpose to become a citizenof this yere camp, an' take my ontrammeled place in its commerciallife by openin' a grogshop. Pendin' which, do you-all see this?'--an'she dallies gently with a fringe of b'ar-claws she's wearin' as anecklace, the same bein' in loo of beads. 'That grizzly's as big an'ugly as him. ' Yere she tosses a rose-leaf hand at Boggs, who breaksinto a profoose sweat. 'I downs him. Also, I'll send the firsthorned-toad among you, who pays me any flagrant attentions, pirootin'after that b'ar. Don't forget, gents: my name's Bark, Cynthiana Bark, pet-named Original Sin, an' thar's a bite goes with the Bark. '

"Havin' conclooded this yere salootatory, Miss Bark, givin' acoquettish flourish to her winchester, goes trapsein' over to the O. K. Restauraw, leavin' us--as the story-writer puts it--glooed to thespot. You see it ain't been yoosual for us to cross up with ladieswho, never waitin' for us to so much as bat an admirin' eye or wag anadorin' y'ear, opens neegotations by threatenin' to shoot us in two. 

"'Thar's a young lady, ' says Peets, who's first to ketch his breath, 'that's got what I calls _verve_. '

"'Admittin' which, ' observes Enright, some doubtful, havin' beenthrown back on his hocks a whole lot; 'some of you-all young bucksmust none the less have looked at her in a improper way to start herghost-dancin' like she does. '

"Enright's eye roves inquirin'ly from Boggs to Texas, an' even takesin Tutt. 

"'Not me!' declar's Texas, plenty fervent; 'not me!--more'n if she's ashe rattlesnake!'

"'As the husband of Tucson Jennie, ' observes Tutt, his air somehaughty--which he allers puts on no end of dog whenever he mentionshis fam'ly--'as the husband of Tucson Jennie, an' the ondoubted fatherof that public ornament an' blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt, I donot regyard it as up to me to cl'ar myse'f of no sech charges. '

"'Sam, ' says Boggs, his voice reproachful, 'you notes how she makesinvidious compar'sons between me an' that b'ar, an' how she beefs theb'ar? After which gratooitous slur it's preeposterous to s'ppose I'dgo admirin' her or to takin' any chances. '

"'Then it's you, ' says Enright, comin' round on the puny tenderfoot. 'Jack, ' he continyoos, appealin' to Jack Moore, who's kettle-tender tothe Stranglers, of which arm of jestice Enright is chief--'Jack, doyou reemark any ontoward looks or leers on the part of this yerepartic'lar prairie dog, calc'lated to alarm a maiden of fastidiousfeelin's?'

"'Sir, ' breaks in the feeble young tenderfoot, an' all mightytremyoolous, 'as shore as my name is Oscar Freelinghuysen I never evenglances at that girl. I ain't so much as present while she's issuin'her deefiances. I lapses into the Red Light the moment I observes howshe's equipped, an' Black Jack, the barkeep, will ver'fy my words. '

"'All right, ' warns Enright, plumb severe, 'you be careful an' conductyourself deecorous. Wolfville is a moral camp. Thar's things doneevery day an' approved of in Noo York which'd get a gent downed inWolfville. '

"'That Miss Bark mentions she's Woman Suffrage, Sam?' observes Boggs, in a questionin' way, as we stands sloppin' out a recooperative fortydrops in the Red Light. 

"'Shore!' replies Enright. 'The Doc yere can tell you all about 'em. As I onderstands, they're a warlike bevy of women who voylentlyresents not bein' born men. Thar's one thing, however; I sincerelytrusts that none of you young sports'll prove that forward an' onwaryas to go callin' her by her pet name of Original Sin. Which she mighttake advantage of it. Them exponents of women's rights is plumb fullof the onexpected, that a-way, an' it's my belief that all who ain'thonin' to commit sooicide'll be careful an' address her as MissBark. '

"'Be they many of that Woman Suffrage brand?' persists Boggs. 

"'Herds of 'em, ' chips in Peets. 'The Eastern ranges is alive with'em. But they don't last. As a roole they gets married, an' that'sgen'rally speakin' the end of their pernicious activ'ties. Wedlock isa heap apt to knock their horns off. '

"Faro Nell, Tucson Jennie an' Missis Rucker don't take to this MissBark's Woman Suffrage views. 

"'She's welcome, ' says the latter esteemable cook an' matron, 'to herfeelin's; but she mustn't come preachin' no doctrine to me, wharof theeffects is to lower me to Rucker's level. I've had trouble enoughredoocin' that ground-hawg to where he belongs, an' I ain't goin' tosacrifice the work of years for no mere sentiments. '

"'Which I shore agrees with you, Missis Rucker, ' says Nell, lookin' upfrom some plum preeserves she's backin' off the noonday board toconsider Cherokee, who's settin' next; 'a woman has enough to do toboss one gent, without tryin' to roole broadcast over wholecommoonities. '

"At this exchange of views Cherokee softly grins like a sharp who cansee his way through. As for Rucker, who's waitin' on the table an'packin' in viands from the kitchen, he takes it as sullen as asorehead dog. Personal, I ain't got no use for Rucker; but betweenus, Missis Rucker, one way an' another, does certainly oppress himgrievous. 

"Before the week is out we knows a lot more about Miss Bark than wedoes when she first comes prancin' out upon us from Monte's stage. Notthat thar's aught ag'inst the lady. It's doo to Enright, who beginsrecollectin' things. 

"'Which I knows her pop, ' explains Enright, 'now my mem'ry's assertin'itse'f, I knows him when he first comes bulgin' into the Pecos Valley, eighteen years ago. This Original Sin daughter an' her maw don't showup none till later. Thar's no more innocent form of tenderfoot thanBark ever comes weavin' into the Southwest. He's that ignorantlyinnocent, wild geese is as wise as serpents to him. But he's full of apainstakin' energy, all the same, an' mighty assidyoous to learn. '

"'Whatever does he turn to?' asks Texas. 

"'He hires out to a peach ranch. An' this'll show you how industrious, that a-way, this Bark tarrapin is. The peach ranch party has a measlybunch of sheep. He keeps 'em nights in a box-tight board corral, so'sthe coyotes can't get to mingle with 'em none. Days he throws 'emloose to feed. The first evenin' the peach ranch gent tells this yereBark to corral the sheep, an' then come in for supper. "An' be shore, "says the peach ranch party, "you gets 'em all in. "

"'An hour goes by, an' the peach ranch party is about through hisfeed, when this yere Bark drifts up to the table. His face is flushed, but he's w'arin' a look of triumph. "I hives 'em, " says he, someexultant; "only one lamb does shore force me to extend myse'f a lot. I'll gamble I runs a hundred miles before I rounds him up. "

"'Next mornin' the peach ranch party goes out to throw loose themsheep. As he cranes his neck over the corral fence to count the bunchhe's amazed to see a jack-rabbit galumpin' about among 'em. "Gin'ralJackson fit the English!" he exclaims; "however does that jack-rabbitget himse'f mixed in with them sheep?" An' he p'ints it out to Bark. 

"'That ontootered person is all astonishment. "Jack-rabbit!" says he. "Why, I hopes next fall to vote the reepublican ticket an' diedisgraced if I don't put it down for a lamb! That's the anamile whichmakes me run my laigs off roundin' of him up!"'

"'Which, as you says, Sam, ' reemarks Tutt, signin' up to Black Jack toset out the bottles, 'in the face of sech a showin' that Bark partymust have been plenty ardent. '

"'I should shore yell!' coincides Boggs. 

"'But he learns in time, of course?' questions Nell. 

"'Learns, Nellie?' repeats Enright; 'it ain't three years before heidentifies himse'f with the life about him to that degree he bumps offtwo kyard sharps who tries to cold-deck him in a poker game, an' findsbesides his steady employment stealin' old John Chisholm's calves, tharby assistin' in plantin' the toomultous seed of what comessubsequent to be called the Lincoln County War. '

"'What's the finish of this interestin' crim'nal?' asks Cherokee. 

"'Lynched, ' returns Enright. 'They puts him over the jump at SevenRivers. You see this Rattlesnake--they calls him Rattlesnake Bark inthem later years--is bunked down in one of these yere jim-crow, barn-board hotels. Thar's a resoundin' form of guest in the adjoinin'room, snorin' to beat four kings an' a ace. Rattlesnake tries poundin'on the partition, an' sw'arin' at him, an' callin' him a hoss thief. It's no avail. The snores of that boarder sounds like sawin' planks, an' fa'rly rocks the shack--they're that stormy. Final, whenRattlesnake's burdens gets to be more'n flesh an' blood can b'ar, hereaches for his . 45, an' bombards that sleeper good an' plenty throughthe wall. It turns out it's the new jedge. In the mornin', when thisjoorist is discovered too dead to skin, the public is that mortifiedit takes Rattlesnake out as soon as breakfast's over, an' strings himto a limb. '

"'Don't this pore Rattlesnake get no hearin'?' asks Nell. 

"'You see, Nellie, ' Enright explains, 'what with maverickin' theChisholm calves, an' a stage or two hold-up which p'ints to him, theclose season's been out as to this Rattlesnake person for mighty likea year. Not but what he might have made preperations. Thar's areeligious party present who asks Rattlesnake if he wants to praysome. "Which you'll cross the dark river all the easier, " expounds thereeligious gent. But Rattlesnake reefuses his ministrations. "I'mwhat I be, " he says; "an' as for that dark river you refers to, Iain't lookin' for no shallow ford. "

"'This Rattlesnake, ' continyoos Enright, 'is willin' to learn to thelast. It's his way. Spring a new game on him an' he's out instanterlookin' for information an' advice. That's why he comes on so fast. Thar bein' nothin' to stand him on for the purpose of bein' lynched, the Stranglers posed Rattlesnake a-top of a stack of hay, which isheaped up onder the tree they're yootilizin'. When the lariat is roundhis neck, an' he's disposed of the reeligious party who attempts toturn the business into a pra'r meetin', Rattlesnake looks at the chiefof the committee an' says, "This yere bein' hanged from hay-cocks isplumb new to me entire, an' tharfore I'm obleeged to ask whetheryou-all expects me to jump off or slide?"'

"'Well, ' comments Jack Moore, drawin' a deep breath, 'the oldmurderer's game--misguided, mebby, but game. '

"'That may be as it may, ' observes Boggs, plenty thoughtful, 'butafter all I regyards these yere details which Sam onfurls as chieflyvalyooable as sheddin' a ray on this Miss Bark. On the chance that shetakes after her old man, from now on I'm goin' to walk 'round her likeshe's a swamp. '

"It's ten days after Miss Bark hits camp that things begins to focus. An old Mexican, the color of a blacksmith's apron, an' his wife, who'sthe same prosaic tint, comes creakin' along with a six-mule team--twowagons, lead an' trail--loaded to the gyards with stock an' fixtures. Said par'fernalia havin' arrived, Miss Bark busts in the door of theold deserted Lady Gay, an' takes possession. Armstrong, who runs theNoo York store, is the owner of the Lady Gay, but onder thecircumstances he allows it'd be the act of a barbarian to interfere. 

"Besides, the attitoode of the young lady herse'f is plumb discouragin'. 

"'I'd shore admire, ' she remarks, as, with the aid of her Mexicans, she goes tossin' things into p'sition, 'to see some male felon try torun a bluff about him havin' title to this Lady Gay structure, an'becomin' my landlord. Men have tyrannized a heap too long as it isover onprotected women, an' thar's one at least who's took in patientsilence all she will. '

"When Miss Bark's organized, she tacks up over the door a sign whichthe painter at the stage station preepar's. It reads:

 VOTES FOR WOMEN SALOON

"'Only get it straight, ' says Miss Bark when she has us close-herdedat chuck time in the dinin' room of the O. K. Restauraw; 'I ain'topenin' this saloon none with a view to sordid gain. I got moneyenough right now to buy an' burn this yere deboshed town of Wolfville, an' then prance over an' purchase an' apply the torch to that equallyabandoned outfit, Red Dog. What I'm reachin' for is the p'liticaluplift of this camp. Recognizin' whiskey as a permanency an' thatsaloons has come to stay, I aims to show folks how them reesortsshould be run. I hopes to see the day when every s'loon'll be in thehands of ladies. For I holds that once woman controls the nosepaint ofthe nation the ballot is bound to follow. '

"Once it's started we-all manages to patronize the Votes For WomenS'loon for a average of three drinks a day. Enright advises it assafer. 

"'Otherwise she might resent it, ' explains Enright, 'an' armed to theteeth like she is, an' possessin' them perfervid idees, thar's notellin' whar she'd end. '

"None of us feels like hangin' out thar. The atmosphere is too plumbformal. Besides, this yere Miss Bark has rooles. No kyards ispermitted; an', moreover, you've got to go outdoors to sw'ar. As todrinks, the soberest among us can't get licker oftener than everyother time, while Monte can't get none at all. That Votes For WomenS'loon, considered as a house of call, is, an' put it mildest, certainly depressin'. 

"When I speaks of us patronizin' Miss Bark for three daily drinks, that a-way, thar's exceptions. Monte, as I states, is barred by thelady personal on the grounds of him bein' a slave to drink; while Tuttis forbid by Tucson Jennie. Tutt chafes some at them mandates ofJennie's; but bein' keenly alive as to what's comin' to her, as wellas what she's cap'ble of, in her triple rôle of woman, wife an'mother, he yields. 

"As for Texas, while he subscribes to them three diurnal drinks, heallers insists that he has company. 

"'It's all right, ' Texas'd say; 'I ain't intimatin' that this MissBark goes cherishin' designs. But it's my onbreakable roole, sincethem divoice experiences, to never enter the presence of onmarriedladies onless attended by witnesses. '

"Owin' to which, some of us allers trails in along with Texas when hevisits the Votes For Women S'loon. Even when thus protected heonflaggin'ly confines his observations to 'Licker, Miss, please!' an'stops thar as dumb as graven images. Once the licker's before him heheaves it into himse'f same as if it's drugs, an' instantly pulls hisfreight a heap speedy, breathin' hard. An' all as scared as ajack-rabbit that's heard the howl of a wolf. 

"Does Miss Bark go proselytin' 'round concernin' them Rights of Women?Which she shore does! You may say she omits no opportoonity. It'sbefore Wolfville gets that effete it mixes drinks, an' any one whoknows water from whiskey can 'tend bar. Wharfore, Miss Bark standswatch an' watch with her old Mexican, Pancho. The times she herse'f ismin'sterin' to our needs she's preachin' Woman Suffrage incessant. Also, not bein' plumb locoed, we bows in concord tharunto. Enright an'Peets both concurs that it's the thing to do, an' we does it. 

"'Whatever difference does it make?' says Enright; 'the price ofsteers remains the same, three-of-a-kind continyoos to beat two pa'r, thar's still fifty-two kyards in a faro deck, an' every other law ofnacher survives onteched. My notion is to agree with this Miss Bark, verbal, an' trust to Wolfville's onbeatable luck to pull us through. '

"This counsel sounds good to us, an' we follows it. When Miss Barksets forth her woman's rights fulm'nations along with her nosepaint, we murmurs a hearty assent, an' drinks down both impartial. Boggs, who's 'motional an' easy worked on, even gets to whar he gives it outhe's actchooally a convert. 

"Miss Bark has been on the map for mebby it's a week, then thar occursa eeposide which, while it makes no profound impression, deceasedbein' a Mexican, shows she ain't packin' her pap Rattlesnake's oldColt's . 45 in a sperit of facetiousness. It's about third drink timeone evenin' when thar's the dull roar of a gun from over in the VotesFor Women S'loon. When we arrives we finds a dead greaser carelesslyquiled up near the door, an' Miss Bark snappin' the empty shell out ofher six-shooter. 

"'He was roode, ' is the only explanation she vouchsafes; an' Enright, after lookin' at Peets a spell, who's lookin' at the ceilin', saysit's s'fficient. 

"'Only, ' says Enright, when we're all back safe in the Red Light, 'Isincerely trusts she won't get her hindsights notched up to whar shetakes to bumpin' off _Americanos_. I shore don't know whatever in sechcase we could do, vig'lance committees, in the very essence of theirconstruction, possessin' no joorisdiction over ladies. '

"'That's right, Sam, ' says Peets, plenty grave; 'if it ever gets towhar this Miss Bark turns her artillery loose on the camp permis'custhe only hope left would be to adjourn Wolfville _sine die_. '

"Miss Bark, however, never does grow homicidal toward any of us, an'the only effect of her puttin' that Mexican over is that it inclinesfolks gen'ral to step high an' softly on what occasions they're foundplantigradin' about in her s'ciety. 

"One week, two weeks, three weeks goes by, an' since a dead Mexicanmore or less ain't calc'lated to leave no onefface'ble scars theincident is all but forgot, when a second uprisin' takes place in theVotes For Women S'loon. This time it's that sickly curlew-voiced Oscarwho's the shriekin' center of eevents. Most of us is jest filin' outof the O. K. Restauraw, pickin' our teeth after our matootinalreepast, when we beholds this yere Oscar boilin' fo'th from the VotesFor Women S'loon, all spraddled out. As he goes t'arin' down thestreet Miss Bark seelects a graceful p'sition in the door, an' ca'mlypumps three loads at him out of her winchester. When I says she pumpsthem bullets at Oscar it's to be took conserv'tive; for none of 'emhits him, but only tosses up the dust about his flyin' feet. At thelast shot Oscar cripples down in a shiverin' heap; an' with that Texasan' Boggs, not knowin' the extent of his injuries, rolls him onto ablanket an' packs him to his room over at the O. K. House, so's Peetscan prospect his frame all scientific locatin' the lead. 

"Thar bein' no lead, as reelated, Peets reeports final to thateffect. 

"'Only, ' says Peets, 'he's scared up to sech extents that if our Joanof Arc had dusted his gaiters with so much as two more bullets he'dhave been beyond medical skill. '

"Followin' the foosilade Miss Bark sends for Enright. 

"'It's this way, ' she goes on, when Enright arrives. 'That shorthornOscar comes lurchin' in, an' asks for nosepaint. As he stands thar, puttin' it onder his belt--me meanwhile swabbin' off the bar--hementions that his paw's rich, an' his step-maw's jest died, leavin'him an' his paw alone. Then he calls attention to the presence in campof that strayed sky-pilot, who preaches an' passes the hat the otherevenin' over in the wareroom of the Noo York store. It's now, havin'got the bar tittivated to my taste, I has time to look this Oscarperson's way, an' I finds him gloatin' over me in form an' manner notto be mistook. "Whatever be you leerin' at?" I deemands, bein' I'm inno mood for insults. Tharupon, he cuts loose a mouthful of platitoodesconcernin' wedlock, an' about me bein' the soul of his soul. Havin'stood it a while, an' findin' my forbearance makes him worse, I grabsmy winchester whar it's reposin' ready for eemergincies on thedripboard, an' you knows the rest. '

"'With your free consent, Miss, ' says Enright, 'I'd like to put onequery. Was you aimin' to down, or to simply skeer this Oscar?'

"'I was only skeerin' him up some, ' replies Miss Bark coyly. 'W'y, ifI was reely out for his skelp, I'd have shore got it a heap. You canpin a patch the size of a dollar on that disparin' lover's coat, an'I'll cut it nine times in ten, offhand, at a hundred yards. '

"'Tests is not reequired, ' Enright interposes, plenty hasty; 'it'spart of the organic law of this yere camp that a lady's word, evenabout her age, is to be took onchallenged. '

"'Which I'm flattered, ' says Miss Bark. 'Now, is thar anything else?'

"'Only this, ' returns Enright. 'As long as he gives you cause, an' youcan shoot like you says, why ever don't you down him?'

"'Which I confesses, ' says Miss Bark, a blush mantlin' her brow, 'that sech is my orig'nal intentions when I reaches for my weepon. Butjest as I sees that Oscar through the sights it comes upon me thatthar's nothin' in bein' preecip'tate, an' mebby I'd better give myse'fthe needed time to think his offer over. '

"Enright shakes his wisdom-freighted head; when he relates his talk toPeets, the Doc shakes his head sim'lar in sapient yoonison. 

"'Which I'll bet a hatful of yellow chips, ' says Boggs, who's stoodlistenin', 'ag'inst a handful of whites, that this yere Miss Barkmakes herse'f an' that Oscar shorthorn man an' wife. '

"'Now I wouldn't wonder none, ' observes Peets, replyin' to the look inEnright's eye. 'That shootin' needn't count. A troo affection isfreequent boisterous, that a-way. '

"'An' in case, ' says Enright, 'the kyards do fall in favor ofmatrimony, it'll most likely be the end of that Votes For WomenS'loon. I begins to see how this yere ongrateful outfit may yet getdeep in debt to that egreegious Oscar. '

"None of us ever says so, but it's the common belief that Texasconnives at this yere threatened Oscar's escape. In any case, thenext mornin' Oscar goes catfoot out of the O. K. House before folks isup, an' takes to hidin' out. The fact is he's layin' for Monte an' thestage, about ten mile no'th of camp. Leastwise, he's thar a heap whenMonte comes along, an' deemands that he be took up an' carried toTucson. 

"It ain't first drink time before this Oscar's missed, an' by seconddrink time the news has drifted over to Miss Bark. It's Peets whoinforms her, an' he tells us, when reelatin' the incident, that theway that deeserted lady knits her brow is a caution to philos'phers. 

"'So, ' she says at last, 'that onmitigated seedoocer thinks to leaveme in this heartless way. He'll find before he's through that it's nolight matter to charm into fervent life a love like mine. '

"'It's the theery, Miss, ' says Peets, 'of the best minds in camp thatthis Oscar's hit the Tucson trail afoot, with a plan of headin' offthe stage. '

"Ten minutes an' Miss Bark is in the saddle, a lead pony gallopin' byher side, in hot pursoote of the dir'lect. 

"'That lead pony looks om'nous, Doc, ' observes Enright, as the twostands watchin' Miss Bark's departure. 

"'It's prov'dential, ' remarks Peets, as he heads the procession to theRed Light, 'that that sky-pilot's aboard the stage. Which he ought towork in plumb handy. '

"Six hours later Miss Bark comes surgin' in with her Oscar foogitive, his heels tied onder the belly of the lead hoss. Any one can see byhis benumbed expression that he's a married man. The two headsstraight for the Votes For Women S'loon, an' after boltin' her newhe'pmeet into the back room, Miss Bark takes a peek in the glass, patsdown her ha'r, an' goes behind the bar as yoosual. 

"'Yes, ' she replies, an' all a heap modest an' artless, as Peets an'Enright--actin' on behalf of the camp--gyardedly inquires if they'reto offer congratulations, 'I reckon you may. An' the best part is thatmy dear Oscar's so plumb ready an' willin'. Which I never knows abridegroom, gents, who gets married with so little struggle. '

[Illustration: "IT'S YOU, OSCAR, THAT I WANT, " OBSERVES MISS BARK. "ICONCLOODES, UPON SOBER SECOND THOUGHT, TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE. "p. 93. ]

"'How soon, Missis Freelinghuysen, ' says Peets, 'do you-all reckon onlettin' this Oscar husband out?'

"'Oh, ' she returns, 'as soon as ever it's safe. Jest now he's someonstrung; but in a day or two I figger he'll begin to get reeconciledto his bliss. An' at that, my main idee in lockin' him up is one ofreeform rather than restraint. Oscar's been over-drinkin' himse'f oflate; an' I aims to get the whiskey out of him, so as I can form somereas'nable estimate of how much of a husband that a-way I've doneroped up. '

"'Is thar any objections, ' asks Enright, 'to our visitin' this modernpris'ner of Chillon? We binds ourselves to say nothin' that'll frethim, or set him to beatin' his life out ag'inst the bars. '

"'W'y, shore, ' she replies, 'you-all is quite welcome. I only hopesyou'll teach him to look at things in their proper light. '

"'It ain't so much, ' says this Oscar husband, when Enright an' Peetscalls upon him in his captivity, 'that I've been hurried, onregyardfulof my feelin's, into the married state. But, gents, my parent is doo, accordin' to his last letter, to come curvin' in yere any minute; an'whatever do you-all reckon now he's goin' to say?'

"Enright an' Peets is so moved they promises the imprisoned Oscartheir support, an' this leaves him, if not hopeful, at least somecheered. 

"Monte gives his version of them nuptials when he returns fromTucson. 

"'Which it's this a-way, pards, ' says Monte. 'I'm twenty miles no'thof yere, when somethin' flashes by with a lead hoss, like arrows. Thinks I, "That's a hoss thief gettin' away with some stock"; an', allowin' Jack Moore'll be hard on his neefarious hocks, I'm lookin'back to see can I raise Jack's dust. The next I knows, an' all assudden as a pan of milk from a top shelf, I hears a silv'ry voiceremarkin': "Set your brake!" an' turnin' my head I finds a winchesterp'intin' as squar' between my eyes as you-all could lay your finger. Gents, thar's something mighty cogent about a winchester that a-way, an' I shore shoves on the brake with sech abandon I snaps the shankshort off. '

"'Wharever is this Oscar party?' asks Enright. 

"'He's with me on the box; an' when this yere intrepid Miss Bark takesto dom'neerin' at us with that rifle he collapses. "It's you, Oscar, "observes this Miss Bark, shiftin' the muzzle to him. "Upon secondthought I concloods to accept your offer of marriage. "

"'Which at that crisis, ' remarks Peets, 'this Oscar of course breaksinto loud an' joyful cries. '

"'Not exactly. In fact, his tones if anything is some low-sperited. "Itakes it, " he says, when he's able to command his feelin's, "that youdeclines them proffers with your winchester at the time when made. "But the lady dismisses this as a quibble, an' merely sayin' that shewon't be paltered with no farther, orders Oscar an' the Bible sharpwho's ridin' inside to assemble by the edge of the trail. The Biblesharp attempts to lay the foundations of fresh objections by askin'Oscar does he do this of his own free will; but the muzzle of thewinchester--which the bride all along reetains in her hands--beginsmovin' 'round in his direction, observin' which man'festation hepronounces 'em husband an' wife. "What heaven has j'ined together, "says he, "let no man put asunder. " After which he blesses 'em, an'reeports the last cinch fastened. "Pay him, Oscar, " whispers thebride. Wharupon Oscar, his fingers tremblin', squars the Bible sharpwith the price of a brace of steers, an' the deed is done. Now he'shers for better or worse, she ropes his heels together onder the bellyof her lead hoss, an' the happy pa'r goes romancin' back forWolfville, while I kicks loose what's left of the brake an' p'ints outag'in for Tucson. '

"On the third day, by givin' his parole an' promising to fondlyreeport to his spouse once every hour, Oscar is permitted to goreecreatin' about the camp. 

"'Only, ' says the lady, by way of warnin' to Black Jack, 'thar's to beno drinks. '

"These yere strained conditions preevails for mebby it's five days, when, as the stage swings in to the post office one evenin', a stoutflorid old gent gets out. He comes puffin' up to Peets a heapsoopercilious. 

"'Do you-all know a addle-pated an' semi-eediotic young party, ' sayshe, 'who's named Oscar Freelinghuysen?'

"'Why, yes, ' returns Peets, 'I do. Onless my mem'ry's pulled itspicket pin an' gone plumb astray he's the eboolient sharp whoconclooded a somewhat toomultuous courtship last week by gettin'married. He's in the shank of his honeymoon as we stands chattin'yere. '

"The florid gent glares at Peets, his feachures the color of liver, his eyes stickin' out like the eyes of a snail. 

"'Married!' he gasps, an' falls in a apoplectic fit. 

"It takes a week an' all the drugs Peets has got before thatapoplectic's able to sit up an' call for nosepaint. An' whatever doyou think? His daughter-in-law, but onbeknownsts to him as sech, nurses him from soda to hock. Oscar Joonior? By advice of Enright thatprodigal's took to cover over in Red Dog ontil we've made shore aboutthe fatted calf. 

"The former Miss Bark puts up that nursin' game with Peets, an' dayan' night she hangs over her apoplectic father-in-law like a painterover a picture. She's certainly as cunnin' as a pet fox! She dressesas quiet as a quail an' makes her voice as softly sober as a suckin'dove's. In the end she's got that patient hypnotized. 

"After Peets declar's him out of danger, an' all propped up in hisblankets he's subscribed to mighty likely it's the fifth drink, theapoplectic begins to shed tears a heap profoose, an' relate to hisnurse--the former Miss Bark--how his two wives has died, leavin' him alonely man. She, the former Miss Bark, is his only friend--hesays--an' he winds up his lamentations by recommendin' that she becomehis third. 

"'You're the only hooman heart who ever onderstands me, ' he wails, gropin' for her hand, 'an' now my ongrateful boy has contracted amessalliance I shore wants you for my wife. '

"She hangs her head like a flower at night, an' lets on she's a heapconfoosed. 

"'Speak, ' he pleads; 'tell me that you'll be mine. '

"'Which I'd shore admire to, but I can't, ' she murmurs; 'I'm wedded toyour son. '

"The old apoplectic asks for more licker in a dazed way, an' sends forPeets. The Doc an' him goes into execyootive session for most anhour; meanwhile the camp's on edge. 

"At the close the Doc eemerges plumb radiant. 

"'Everything's on velvet, ' he says; 'thar's never a more joodiciousconvalescent. He freely admits, considerin' the sort of daughter-in-lawhe's acquired, that Oscar has more sense than folks suspects. '

"Now that the skies is cl'ared, the bridegroom is fetched back fromRed Dog, an' thar's a grand reeconciliation. 

"'We'll all go back East together, ' sobs father-in-law Freelinghuysen, holdin' both their hands. 

"Two days later they starts, Missis Freelinghuysen Joonier lookin'after father-in-law Freelinghuysen same as if he's a charlotteroosse. 

"The Votes For Women S'loon?

"It's kept a secret, at Peet's su'gestion, him bein' apoplectic thata-way. The stock is bought by public subscription of the camp, an'when the Freelinghuysen household is out of sight an' hearin' weinvites Red Dog over in a body an' onbelts in a mod'rate orgy. Thesign, 'Votes For Women S'loon, ' is now preeserved in the custody ofthe Wolfville Historical Society, which body is called into activebein' upon motion of Peets, while Red Dog an' us is drinkin' up thestock. "

IV

OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD

"Shore; Monte's the offishul drunkard of Arizona. " The old cattlemanwas answering my question. "Or, seein' that mebby Wolfville'sjoorisdiction won't be held none to reach beyond, let's say theoffishul drunkard of Cochise County. That's Monte's civic designation;offishul drunkard, an' meant to fix his social place. 

"Does he resent it?

"Which he proudly w'ars that title like it's a kingly crown! It's asgood as even money that to ondertake to sep'rate him from it, or denythe same, is the one single thing he bristles up at an' give you abattle over. 

"Which this yere last should mean a heap, since Monte's plumb pacificby nacher, an' abhors war to the mean confines of bein' timid. To beshore, he'll steam at the nose, an' paw the sod, an' act like he's outto spread rooin far an' wide--that he's doo to leave everything infront of him on both sides of the road. But in them perfervidman'festations he don't reely intend nothin' either high or heenious, or more'n jest to give his se'f-respect an outing that a-way. Let theopp'sition call him down, an' the crafty old cimmaron'll go to thediskyard instanter. 

"Which at that, Monte ain't without his interestin' side. When onderthe inflooence of nosepaint, which last is constant, he has threedistinct moods. About the fo'th drink, let a stranger show up, an'--all aff'ble an' garyoolous--Monte's right thar to do the honors. When the stranger, gettin' weary, kicks Monte off him, the same bein'shore to happen final since no one formed in the image of his Makercan put up with them verbal imbecil'ties of his beyond a given len'thof time, he'll arch his back an'--apparently--wax that f'rocious awronged grizzly to him is as meek as milk. An' yet, as I tells you, it's simply a blazer; an' the moment the exasperated stranger beginsbetrayin' symptoms of goin' to a showdown, Monte lapses into his thirdmood of haughty silence, an' struts off like it's beneath him to bandywords. 

"That's the savin' clause in Monte's constitootion; he may get drunk, but he never gets injoodicious. Thar's a sport from some'ers over'round Shakespear in the dance hall one evenin', whose patience hasbeen plenty treespassed on by Monte. By way of bringin' matters to adeecisive head, this yere Shakespear party tells Monte he's a liar. Doyou reckon Monte hooks up with him? Not a chance! He simply casts onthat maligner from Shakespear a look of disparagement, an' with noseheld high, as markin' his contempt, moves away with the remark. 

"'That's something I refooses to discuss with you. '

"Which thar's no more real p'isin in Monte than in a hired girl. 

"We has the chance once to try some experiments on Monte, an' it's themistake of our lives we don't. Peets, whose regrets is scientific, feels speshully acoote. Thar's a partic'lar bar'l of nosepaint getstrundled into camp, which is nothin' short of bein' the condensedessence of hostility. Black Jack, after years as barkeep, says himse'fhe never sees nothin' like it. On the hocks of two drinks, folks getsthat ornery Enright has it freighted back to Tucson in alarm, fearin'for the peace of the camp. At the time, none of us thinks of it; butlater it's a subject of gen'ral regret that some of it ain't saved totry on Monte. Mebby that speshul brand of licker turns out to be themissin' ingreedient, an' keys him up to deeds of heroism. 

"Jest to show you some of the milder workin's of that licker. Boggsfiles away four inches of it onder his belt, an' next, when he'swalkin' by the corral an' meets a Mexican, he reaches out in acasyooal an' abstracted way, collars that Greaser an' hefts him over asix-foot 'dobe fence, same as if he's a bag of bran; an' all aproposof nothin'. Boggs says himse'f he don't know why none. He's thinkin'of something else at the time, he declar's, an' the eepisode don'tleave no partic'lar traces on his mem'ry. The trooth is, it's thatveehement an' onmuzzled nosepaint, incitin' him to voylence. 

"Is the Mexican hurt?

"Which, if I remembers rightly, Peets does mention about a bustedcollarbone. But it don't create no interest--him bein' a Mexican. Yousee, thar's a feelin', amountin' fa'rly to a onwritten law, thatMexicans ain't got no rightful call to be seen in public no how; an'when one does go pirootin' round permiscus, in voylation of this yeretenet, nacherally he takes his chances. You-all can gamble, though, that Boggs shore never would have reached for him, only he'sactchooated by that whiskey. 

"As modest an' retirin' a sperit as Cherokee, to whom any form ofboastful bluff is plumb reepellant, subscribes to a mod'rate snifterof that licker; an' in less time than it takes to rope a pony, he'sout in front of the Red Light, onbucklin' in a display of pistolshootin'. Thar's a brace of towerists in camp, an' Cherokee let's onhe'll show 'em. Which he shore shows 'em! He tosses two tomatter canson high, an' with a gun in each hand keeps 'em dancin' an' jumpin'about in the atmosphere ontil thar's six bullets through each. It's aheap satisfyin' as a performance, as far as them pop-eyed towerists isconcerned, an' both leaves town that evenin' by speshul buckboard. 

"Onaffected by that licker, Cherokee wouldn't have no more gone an'made sech a spectacle of himse'f, though urged tharunto by theyoonanimous voice of the outfit. When he so far recovers as to'ppreeciate what Faro Nell has to say of them exploits--an', whiletender, she's plenty explicit--he comes mighty clost to blushin'himse'f to death. 

"It's after we notes what it does to Cherokee, an' hears of themexhibitions of broote force by Boggs, that we gets timid about thisyere whisky, an' Enright orders the bar'l sent back. An' right he is!S'ppose them Red Dogs was to have come prancin' over for a socialcall, an' s'ppose in entertainin' 'em we all inadvertent has recourseto that partic'lar licker, whatever do you-all reckon 'd have been thefinish? Son, thar'd have been one of them things they calls acatyclism, an' nothin' short. 

"It's shore a fightin' form of licker. Tutt reeserves out a tin cup ofit, an' sets it down by a prairie dog's hole. Accordin' to Tutt, thedog comes out, laps it once, an' starts back same as if he's been shotwith a '45. Thar he squats, battin' his eyes, wrinklin' up his nose, an' cogitatin'. After thinkin' the thing over, the dog approaches, mighty gingerly, an' takes three or four more laps. Then he r'arsback, an' considers for quite a spell. It looks final like he gets hismind made up, an' with that he capers over, an' he'ps himse'f to whatfor a prairie dog is shore a big drink. 

"Two minutes later, ha'r bristlin', whiskers standin' out like wire, eyes full of determination, that dog crosses over to another dog who'slivin' neighbor to him, an' says--accordin' to Tutt:

"'Wharever can I locate that coyote who's been domineerin' round yerefor mebby it's a month, harassin' folks into their holes? Whar's thatcoyote at?'

"Peets allers allows Tutt exaggerates, but havin' sampled that lickersome myse'f, I'm a long ride from bein' so shore. 

"That lack of war instinct in Monte ain't no speecific drawback. Himdrivin' stage that a-way, he ain't expected none to fight. Thehold-ups onderstands it, the company onderstands it, everybodyonderstands it. It's the law of the trail. That's why, when the stageis stopped, the driver's never downed. Which if thar's money aboard, an' the express outfit wants it defended, they slams on some sport toride shotgun that trip. It's for this shotgun speshulist to give theroute agents an argyooment. Which they're licensed to go bombardin'each other ontil the goin' down of the sun. As for the driver, however, the etikette simply calls for him to set his brake, an' allpeaceful hold his hands above his head. It's inside his rights, too, accordin' to the rooles, for him to cuss out the hold-ups, an' call'em all the hard names of which he's cap'ble; an' stage drivers, wholoves their art, spends their time between drinks practisin' new cusswords, an' inventin' onheard of epithets, so as to be ready when dootyan' o'casion calls. Havin' downed or driven off the shotgun sport, an'seen the bottom of the express box, the hold-ups tells the stagedriver to pull his freight. Wharupon he picks up the reins, kicks freethe brake, lets fly a loorid an' final broadside of vitooperation--hehavin' carefully reeserved the same, by way of peroration--an' goeshis windin' way. 

"Wolfville's been on the map for most a year, when Monte first showsup. In the beginnin', an' ontil we-all gets adjusted to him, he'ssomething of a bore. Leastwise, he ain't what you'd go so far as tocall a boon companion. When it dawns on us that he's plottin' to makehimse'f a permanency, it certainly does look for a spell that, whatwith his consumption of nosepaint an' what with his turrific geniusfor snorin', he's goin' to be a trifle more'n we can stand. 

"Does Monte snore?

"Not to create ondoo excitement, the bar'foot onclothed trooth is thathis snorin' falls nothin' short of bein' sinful. Boggs has plenty ofcountenance when he brings them snores to the attention of Enright. 

"'Thar's shore a limit somewhar, Sam, ' Boggs says, 'to this yeredrunkard's right to snore. Which he's simply keepin' everybody over tothe O. K. House settin' up. Onless something's done to check him, thar'll be a epidemic of St. Vitus dance. You ask Doc Peets; he'lltell you that this yere Monte with his snorin' is a scourge. '

"It's not alone their volume, but their quality, which makes themsnores of Monte so ondesir'ble. Some folks snores a heap deprecatory, an' like they're apol'gizin' for it as they goes along. Others snoresin a manner ca'mly confident, an' all as though the idee that any gentobjects would astonish 'em to death. Still others snores plumbdeefiant, an' like they ain't snorin' so much for comfort, thata-way, as to show their contempt for mankind. It's to this yere latterhostile school that drunkard, Monte, belongs. 

"After Boggs lodges complaint, Enright takes a corrective peek intothe sityooation. Thar's two rooms over the O. K. Kitchen, sort o' offby themselves. Upon Enright's hint, Missis Rucker beds down Monte inone, an' Deef Andy, who mends harness for the stage company an' can'thear nothin', in the other. 

"'It's for the safety of your excellent car'vansary, Ma'am, ' Enrightexplains. 'Which Dan's mighty easy moved; an' some mornin', onless youadopts them improvements, that somnolent sot you're harborin' 'll gotoo far with Dan. I takes it you-all don't want the shack all smokedup with Dan's six-shooter? In which event you'll put that reverberantdrunkard in the far-corner room, with Andy next. '

"Peets once mentions a long-ago poet party, named Johnson, who, speakin' of a fellow poet after he's dead an' down onder thegrass-roots, lets on that he teches nothin' he don't adorn. You cango your ultimate simoleon that ain't Monte's style. The only things hedon't upset is bottles; the only flooid he never spills is licker. This yere last would be ag'inst his religion. Wharever he goes, he'sotherwise draggin' his rope, an' half the time he's steppin' on it. 

"It's him that coaxes that onhappy Polish picture painter our way. This yere is long after he's drivin' stage, an' as Wolfville'soffishul drunkard becomes a tol'rated feachure of the camp. ThisPolish artist person is as much out o' place in Arizona as a farolay-out at a Sunday school picnic. Monte crosses up with him over atTucson in the Oriental S'loon, an' while thar's no ties between 'em, more'n what nacherally forms between two gents who sets drinkin'together all night long, before ever they're through with each otherthat inspired inebriate lands the locoed artist party on our hands. Enright shore does go the limit in rebookin' Monte. 

"'Why, Sam, ' says Monte, an' he's that depreecatory he whines, 'Iallows you'll look on him as a acquisition. '

"'All the same, ' returns Enright, an' I never knows him moreforbiddin', 'yereafter please confine your annoyin' assidooities todrivin' stage, an' don't go tryin' to improve the outlook of thiscamp. '

"Monte, with this, gets that dismal he sheds tears. 'Which it shorelooks like I can't do nothin' right, ' he sobs. 

"'Then don't, ' says Enright. 

"From the start, Monte graves himse'f upon the mem'ry of folk as thefirst sport, to onroll his blankets in Cochise County, who consoomesnormal over twenty drinks a day. Upon festal occasions like NooYear's, an' Christmas, an' Fo'th of Jooly, an' Thanksgivin', no gentwho calls himse'f a gent thinks of keepin' tabs on a fellow gent, nomatter how freequent he signs up to Black Jack. On gala o'casions, sech as them noted, the bridle is plumb off the hoss, an' even thoughyou drinks to your capac'ty an' some beyond, no one's that vulgar asto go makin' remarks. But that ain't Monte; he's different a heap. Itlooks like every day is Fo'th of Jooly with him, he's that inveteratein his reemorseless hankerin' for nosepaint. 

"Also, regyarded as to his social side, Monte, as I states former, isa nooisance. Knowin' folks, too, is his fad. Only so you give himlicker enough, he'll go surgin' round accostin' every gent he sees. Nomatter how austere a stranger is, Monte'll tackle him. An' at that henever says nothin' worth hearin', an' in its total absence ofdirection his conversation resembles nothin' so much as a dog chasin'its tail. 

"An' then thar's them footile bluffs he's allers tryin' to run. He'sbeen pesterin' in an' out of the Red Light one evenin' ontil he's gotBlack Jack incensed. As he comes squanderin' along, for say thetwentieth time, Black Jack groans, an' murmurs, "'Yere's that booze-soaked old hoss-thief ag'in!'

"Monte gets the echo of it, same as folks allers does when it ain'twanted, but he's onable to say who. So he stands thar by the bar, glarin' 'round an' snortin'. Final, he roars:

"'Who cuts loose that personal'ty?'

"Thar ain't no answer, an' Monte ag'in takes to pitchin' on his rope. 

"'Show me the galoot who insults me, ' he roars; 'let him no longerdog it, but p'int himse'f out as the gent. '

"'All right, ' says Black Jack, whose indignation gets the best of hisreespons'bilities as barkeep, 'which I'm the party who alloodes to youas a booze-soaked old hoss-thief. '

"'An' so you're the gent, ' says Monte, castin' a witherin' glance atBlack Jack; 'so you're the would-be sooicide who calls me abooze-soaked old hoss-thief?'

"'Which I'm the identical stingin' lizard. Now what is it you're soplumb eager to say?'

"'What am I eager to say? I merely wants to remark that you ain't donenothin' to swell up over. You-all needn't go thinkin' you're the firstbarkeep who calls me a booze-soaked old hoss-thief. '

"Havin' la'nched this yere, Monte turns off as stiffly pompous asthough he ain't left a grease-spot of Black Jack. 

"When folks won't listen to him no longer, Monte goes bulgin' forthinto the highways an' the byways, an' holds long an' importantdiscussions with signs, an' dry-goods boxes, an' sim'lar inan'mateelements of the landscape. Also, to mules an' burros. I remarks himmyse'f, whisperin' in the onregyardful y'ear of a burro, an' saidanamile as sound asleep as a tree. When that drunkard's through hisconfidences, he backs off, an' wavin' his paw plumb myster'ous at theburro says:

"'Remember, now; I'm givin' you this yere p'inter as a friend. '

"That time Black Jack offends Monte, after the latter hits thesidewalk followin' what he clar'ly considers is his crushin' come-backon Black Jack, he gets the feelin' that Jack's ha'ntin' along on histrail. Before he's gone fifty foot, he w'irls about, an' shouts:

"'Don't you-all follow me! Which, if you crowds me, them places thathas knowed you won't know you no more forever. '

"When Monte gets off this menace, it seems like the Black Jack specterbecomes intim'dated, an' tries to squar' itse'f. 

"'What's that?' Monte asks, after listenin' mighty dignified to thespook's excuses; 'you begs my pardon? Not another word. If you-allkeeps on talkin' now you'll sp'ile it. Thar's my hand, ' givin' thefingers of the phantom a mighty earnest squeeze. 'I'm your friend, an'that goes. '

"Havin' established a peace, Monte insists that the Black Jack phantomb'ar him company to the O. K. Restauraw. In spite of all Missis Ruckercan say or do, he plants the spook at the table, feeds it on the bestthat's in the kitchen, an' all as confident as if it's shorely troo. Also, he insists on payin' for two. 

"When Missis Rucker tries to show him he's down wrong, he refooses tohave it that way. 

"'Do you-all reckon, Ma'am, that I can't trust my eyes none?' hedemands. 'Which you'll tell me next that them airtights I tops of withis figments. '

"'But thar's only one of you-all, ' Missis Rucker persists. 

"'Ma'am, ' returns Monte, his manner plumb s'picious, 'I don't jestquite sense your little game. Whatever it is, however, you-all can'tplay it on old Monte. You write back to my fam'ly an' the neighbors, an' the least flatterin' among 'em'll tell you that I'm as cunnin' asa squinch owl. Thar's two of us who feeds, an' for two of us Isettles. Bein' a woman, you're too feeble-witted for reason, toomendacious for trooth. '

"'Don't you go callin' me no woman, ' says Missis Rucker, her eyessnappin', 'onless you're ready to cash in. '

"'Women!' repeats Monte, sort o' addressin' the scenery, but stillplenty cynical, 'what be they except a fleetin' show to man'sdeloosion given. Also, thar's nothin' to 'em. You opens their frontdoor, an' you're in their back yard. '

"Texas has been givin' y'ear to the talk. It's before his Laredo wifestarts ropin' for that divorce; but she's already makin' war medicine, an' the signs an' signal smokes which p'int to an uprisin' is vis'bleon every hill. Texas is careful not to let Missis Rucker hear himnone, but as he walks away, he mutters:

"'That ghost-seein' sport's got the treemors, but all the same Istrings with him on them estimates of ladies. '

"Texas is that fav'rably affected about Monte, he talks things overwith Tutt, who himse'f ain't married to Tucson Jennie none as yet. Them nuptials, an' that onbiased blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt, who results tharfrom, comes along later. 

"'Which thar's good in that Monte maverick, ' says Texas; 'only so wecould get the nosepaint out of him. '

"'Now, I wouldn't wonder none, neither, ' says Tutt. 

"'He drinkt up two quarts an' a half yesterday, ' says Texas. 

"'Ain't thar no steps which can be took?' Tutt asks. 'Two quarts an' ahalf, though, shore sounds like he's somethin' of a prop'sition. '

"These yere remarks is made in the Red Light, an' Tutt an' Texasappeals to Cherokee, whar that courtier of fortune is settin' inbehind his lay-out. Cherokee waves 'em off, p'lite but firm. 

"'Don't ask me none, ' he says. 'You-all knows my doctrines. Let everygent kill his own snakes. '

"'That's my theology, ' remarks Boggs, who has just come ramblin' infrom the Noo York store, whar he's been changin' in a bundle of moneyfor shirts; 'I recalls how, when I'm a prattlin' yearlin', hearin'Parson Ed'ards of the Cambellite Church quotin' whar Cain gives it outcold that he's not his brother's keeper; an' even at that onthinkin'age I fully endorses Cain's p'sition. '

"The talk takes in Black Jack, who, by virchoo of him bein' a barkeep, nacherally savvys a heap about the licker question. Jack reelates howa sot he knows back in Arkansaw is shocked into never takin' a drink, by simply blowin' his hand off accidental while tanked up. 

"'Whang! goes the old Betsy, ' says Jack, 'an' that slave to licker'sshy his left hand. "Which it lets me out!" he exclaims; an' datin'from said catastrophy he'd no more tech nosepaint, that a-way, thanhe'd join the church. '

"'But it's doubtful, ' observes Tutt, 'if Enright stands to let usshoot this yere Monte drunkard's hand off. '

"'It's ten to one he won't, ' says Texas; 'still thar ought to be otherschemes for shockin' a party into moral'ty, which stops short o'cripplin' him for life. '

"'But is this yere inebriate worth the worry?' asks Boggs. 'Also, itshore strikes me as mighty gratooitous for us to go reorganizin' themorals of a plumb stranger, an' him not even asked. '

"'Which he's worth the worry all right, ' Texas replies. 'Thar's noefforts too great, when thar's a chance to save a party who has thesame thorough onderstandin' of ladies which this gent has. '

"Up over the Red Light bar is a stuffed bobcat, the same bein' held asdecorative. Only the day before Texas and Tutt stands talkin', acouple of Enright's riders comes packin' a live bobcat into town, which between 'em they ropes up over in the foothills of the TresHermanas, an' jams labor'ously into a pa'r of laiggin's. The same ideeseizes on Texas an' Tutt yoonanimous. They sees that it only calls forthe intelligent use of that Bar-8 bobcat, which them cow-punchers ofEnright's ties down, to reegen'rate Monte, an' make him white assnow. 

[Illustration: A COUPLE OF ENRIGHT'S RIDERS COMES A PACKIN' A LIVE BOBCATINTO TOWN. P. 118. ]

"Monte's ain't present none, bein' over to the O. K. House. By bein'plumb painstakin', Tutt an' Texas gets a collar onto the captive Bar-8bobcat, an' chains him up over the Red Light bar, in place of thestuffed bobcat, deeposed. The Bar-8 bobcat jumps off once or twictbefore he learns, an' comes mighty clost to lynchin' himse'f. ButBlack Jack is patient, an' each time pokes him back with a cha'r. After mebby the third jump, it gets proned into the bobcat that thar'snothin' in it for him to go hurlin' himse'f into space that a-way, an'bein' saved from death by hangin' only through the cha'r-laigmeditations of Black Jack. Acceptin' this yere view, he stands pat onhis shelf. Likewise, he shore looks mighty vivid up thar, an' has gotthat former stuffed predecessor of his beat four ways from the jack. 

"We're hankerin' around, now the Bar-8 bobcat's organized, waitin' forMonte to come amblin' up, an' be reformed. 

"'An' you can gamble, ' Tutt says, 'that the shock it'll throw intohim'll have a ben'ficial effect. Shootin' off a hand or so ain't in itwith the way that drunkard's goin' to feel. '

"'That's the way I figgers, ' Texas remarks. 'One glance at thatbobcat, him on the verge of the treemors, an' thar'll a thrill gothrough his rum-soaked frame like the grace of heaven through a campmeetin'. For one, I antic'pate most excellent effects. Whatever do youthink, Doc?'

"'Whatever do I think?' Peets repeats. 'Which I thinks that, as theorig'nators of this yere cure for the licker habit, it'll be up to youan' Dave to convey the patient to his room at the O. K. House, as soonas ever you can control his struggles. '

"Monte at last heaves in sight, an' comes shiverin' up to the bar, every nerve as tight as a fiddle string. Black Jack shoves him thebottle. 

"'What stuffed anamile sharp, ' says Tutt, craftily directin' himselfat Black Jack, 'mounts that bobcat up thar?'

"Monte nacherally raises his eyes. Thar's that Bar-8 feline, half-crouched, glarin' down on him with green eyes, big as moons. 

"That settles it. 

"Monte gives a yell which they hears in Red Dog. Wharupon the bobcat, takin' it for a threatenin' deemonstration, onfolds in an answerin'yell, an' makes a scramblin' jump at Monte's head. Shore, he don'tland none, bein' brought up short, like a roped pony. Thar he swings, cussin' an' spittin' an' clawin', as mad as a drunken squaw, an'begins all over to hang himse'f afresh. 

"Monte?

"That victim of appetite falls to the floor as dead an' flat as a wetDecember leaf. 

"Actin' on them instructions, Tutt an' Texas picks Monte up an' packshim across to Peets, who, after fussin' over him for mebby an hour, brings him round s'fficient so he goes from one convulsion intoanother, in what you-all might deescribe as an endless chain of fits. Thar's nothin' to it; Peets is indoobitable the best equipped drugsharp that ever breaks loose in Arizona. At that, while Monte lives, he don't but jest. He's shore close enough at one time to kingdom cometo hear the singin'. 

"For two weeks Monte's boilin' an' boundin' round in his blankets, Texas an' Tutt, feelin' a heap reemorseful, standin' watch and watch. It's decided that no more attempts to reform him will be made, himbein'--accordin' to Peets--too far gone that a-way. 

"'He's plumb onreform'ble, ' explains Peets; 'whiskey's got to be somuch a second nacher with him, that the only way you-all could curehim now is kill him. '

"By way of partial rep'ration for what he suffers, as soon as Montecan ag'in move about, Enright calls a meetin' of the camp, an'dooly commissions him 'Offishul Drunkard, ' with a absoloote an'non-reevok'ble license to go as far as he likes. 

"'This yere post of offishul drunkard, ' Enright explains to themeetin', 'carries with it no money, no power, an' means only that he'sfree to drink from dark to daylight an' to dark ag'in, oncriticized, onreproved, an' onsaved. Colonel Sterett imparts to us in the last_Daily Coyote_ how them Hindoos has their sacred cobras. Cobras notbein' feas'ble none in Arizona, Wolfville in loo of sech accepts oldMonte. Yereafter, w'arin' the title of offishul drunkard, he takes hisplace in the public regyard as Wolfville's sacred cobra. '

"When Monte learns of his elevation, his eyes fills up with gratifiedpride, an' as soon as ever he's able to stand the w'ar an' t'ar, hegoes on a protracted public drunk, by way of cel'bration, while welooks tol'rantly on. 

"'Gents, ' he says, 'I thanks you. Yereafter the gnawin' tooth ofconscience will be dulled, havin' your distinguished endorsement so todo. Virchoo is all right in its place. But so is vice. The worldcan't all be good an' safe at one an' the same time. Which if we alldone right, an' went to the right, we'd tip the world over. Half hasgot to do wrong an' go to the left, to hold things steady. That's me;I was foaled to do wrong an' go to the left. It's the only way inwhich a jealous but inscroot'ble Providence permits me to serve myhour. Offishul drunkard! Ag'in I thanks you. Which this yere's the wayI long have sought, an' mourned because I found it not, long meter. '

"Boggs is the only gent who takes a gloomy view. 

"'That's fine for this yere egreegious Monte, ' says Boggs, talkin' toEnright; 'as Wolfville's pet drunkard an' offishul cobra, he's mightypleasantly provided for. But how about the camp? Whar does Wolfvillecome in? We're a strong people; but does any gent pretend that wepossesses the fortitoode reequired to b'ar up through all the comin'rum-soaked years?--an' all onder the weight of this yere onmatchedinebriate, whom by our own act an' as offishul drunkard, we onmuzzlesin our shrinkin' midst? Gents, this thing can't last. '

"'Not necessar'ly, Dan, ' retorts Enright, his manner trenchin' on thecold; 'not necessar'ly. Let me expound the sityooation. I need notremind you-all that Sand Creek Riley, who drives the Tucson stage, gets bumped off the other evenin', while preeposterously insistin'that aces-up beats three-of-a-kind. Realizin' the trooth of half whatyou has said, Dan, I this evenin' enters into strategic reelationswith the stage company's agent; an' as a reesult, an' datin' from nowon, old Monte will be hired to fill the place of Sand Creek Riley, whom we all regrets. It's hardly reequired that I p'int out thebenefits of this yere arrangement. As stage driver, old Monte forevery other night will get sawed off on Tucson. An' I misjedges thevitality of this camp if, with the pressure on it thus relieved, an'Tucson carryin' half the load, it's onable to live through. In myopinion, Dan, by the light of this explanation, you at least oughterhope for the best. '

"'That's whatever!' says Boggs, who's plumb convinced; 'if I'd waitedontil you was heard, Sam, I'd never voiced them apprehensions. But thefact is, this yere Monte cobra of ours, with his bibbin's an' hisguzzlin's, has redooced me to a condition of nervous prostration. It'sall right now. Which I will say, however, that I can't reeflect nonewithout a shudder on what them Tucson folks'll say an' think, so soonas ever they wakes up to what's been played on 'em. '"

V

HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON

"Myst'ries?

"We lives surrounded by 'em. Look whar you will, nacher has a aceburied. Take dogs, now: Why is it when one of 'em, daylight or dark, cuts the trail of a anamile, he never makes the fool mistake ofback-trackin' it, but is shore to run his game the way it's movin'?There must be some kind of head-an'-tail to the scent, that a-way, togive the dog the hunch. Myst'ry!--all myst'ry! The more a gent goesmessin' 'round for s'lootions, the more he's taught hoomility an' thathe ain't knee-high to toads. 

"An' yet when it comes to things myster'ous everything else is boundto go to the diskyard compared to a lady's heart. Of course, I speaksonly in a sperit of philos'phy, an' not as one who's suffered. I nevermyse'f am able pers'nal to approach closter to a lady's heart thanacross the street. Peets once reemarks that all trails leads to Rome. In that business of trails a lady's heart has got Rome left standin'sideways. Not only does every trail lead tharunto, but thar's sech athing as goin' cross-lots. Take gettin' in love; thar's as many waysas cookin' eggs. While you'll see gents who goes skallyhootin' intothat dulcet condition as straight as a arrer, thar's others who sidlesin, an' still others who backs in. I even knows a boy who shoots hisway in. 

"Which the lady in this case is the Mockin' Bird. That Mockin' Birdmaiden has wooers by onbounded scores, but holds herse'f as shy an' asmuch aloof as if she's a mountain sheep. Not one can get near enoughto her to give her a ripe peach. Along comes the eboolient TurkeyTrack, bulges headlong into her dest'nies, takes to menacin' at herwith a gun an', final, to bombardin' her outright, an'--love an' heartan' hand--she comes a-runnin'. 

"Wolfville's without that last evidence of advancement, a callaboose. It bein' inconvenient to shoot up or lynch everybody who infringes ourrooles, Jack Moore invents a convincin' but innocuous punishment forminor offenders. Endorsed by Enright, he established a watertrough--it's big enough to swim a dog--over by the windmill; an' whensome perfervid cow-puncher, sufferin' from a overdose of nosepaint, takes to aggravatin' 'round Moore swashes him about in the trough someprofoose, ontil he gives his word to live a happier an' a betterlife. 

"It's like magic the way that water trough works. No matter how galasome pronghorn of a cowboy may feel, it shore lets the whey out ofhim. Given the most voylent, it's only a matter of minutes before he'ssoaked into quietood. Enright himse'f says Moore's entitled to amonyooment for the idee. 

"Turkey Track's name is Ford, Tom Ford, but workin' that a-way for theTurkey Track outfit he nacherally gets renamed for the brand. TurkeyTrack an' two boon companions has been goin' to an' fro from the RedLight to the Dance Hall, ontil by virchoo of a over-accumyoolation oflicker they're beginnin' to step some high. Also, they takes toupliftin' their tired souls with yells, an' blazin' away at frootecans with their six-shooters. 

"It gets so that Enright tells Moore to give 'em a call-down. 

"'What them boys does, ' says Enright, 'is done harmless an'light-hearted to be shore, an' nothin' radic'lly wrong is eitheraimed at or meant; but all the same, Jack, it's no more'n proodenceto go knock their horns off. It ain't what them yooths is doin', butwhat they may be led to do, which makes the danger. It's like oldDeacon Sopris at the Cumberland Methodist class meetin' says ofkyard-playin'. "It ain't, " explains the deacon, "that thar's any harmin the children playin' seven-up around the kitchen table of awinter's evenin' for grains of corn, but seven-up persisted in isshore to lead to dancin'. " An' so with these young merry-makers. They'll keep on slamin' away at empty bottles an' former tomatter cansthat a-way, ontil the more seedate element objects, an' somebody getsdowned. Don't you agree with me, Doc?'

"'Nothin' shorer!' says Peets. 

"Moore corrals Turkey Track an' his fellow revellers, an' tosses off afew fiats. 

"'Quit that whoopin' an' shootin', boys, ' says Moore. 'Likewise, keepyour hardware in your belts, as more deecorous. So shore as I finds agun in any of your hands ag'in, I'll shoot it out. '

"Turkey Track an' his _compadres_ don't say nothin' back. They savvysabout the water trough, an' ain't hungerin' none to have their ardordampened in no sech fashion. So they blinks an' winks like a passel ofsquinch owls, but never onbuckles in no argyooment. All the same, itirks 'em a whole lot, an' after Moore reetires they begins mod'rate toarch their necks an' expand 'round a little. 

"They allows--talkin' among themselves in a quer'lous way--that theyain't hurtin' no one, an' for Moore to come shovin' 'round an'lecturin' on etiquette is a conceited exhibition of authority asoffensive as it is onjest. Thar's doubts, too, about it's bein'constitootional. 

"'Whatever does that jim-crow sp'ile-sport of a marshal mean?' saysTurkey Track. 'It looks like he's not only deefyin' the organic law ofthis country, but puttin' on a heap of dog. Does he reckon this yerecamp's a church?'

"'I moves we treats them mandates, ' says one of the boys, who's arider for the G-bar ranch, 'with merited contempt. '

"'As how?' asks the third, who belongs with the Four-J brand. 'Youain't so locoed as to s'ggest we-all t'ars person'ly into this JackMoore marshal none I hopes?'

"'Which you fills me with disgust!' says the other, nettled at theidee of pawin' the onprofit'ble grass 'round Moore; 'but whatever'sthe matter with goin' up to the far end of the street, an' w'irl an'come squanderin' back jest a shootin'?'

"'Great!' says Turkey Track, applaudin' the scheme. 'Which we-allnacherally shoots up their old prairie dog town, same as if it's aMexican plaza, an' then jogs on to our ranches, all triumphant an'comfortable. '

"The three rides up to the head of the street, an' then turnsan'--givin' their ponies the steel--comes whizzin' down through thecenter of eevents, yelpin' like Apaches an' lookin' like fireworks. They've got a gun in each hand, an' they shakes the flame an' smokeout of 'em same as three volcanoes on hossback. 

"Moore's standin' in front of the Noo York store, talkin' to Tutt. Asyou-all might imagine, it frets him to the quick to see how littlethem effervescent sperits cares for his injunctions. By way ofrebooke--not wantin' to down 'em outright for what, take it the worstway, ain't nothin' more heen'ous than a impropriety--Moore gets hisartillery to b'ar, an' as they flashes by like comets, opens on theponies. It's hard on the ponies; but it won't do to let them youngroysterers get away with their play. The example'll spread; an', onless checked at the jump, inside of a month thar'd be nothin' but awhoopin' procession of cow-punchers chargin' up an' down thecauseways. Tenderfeet might acquire misgivin's techin' us bein' apeaceful camp, an' the thing op'rate as a blow to trade. It's become acase of either get the boys or get the ponies, an' onder thecircumstances the ponies has the call. 

"Thar's no more artistic gun-player than Moore in town, onless it'sCherokee, an' mebby Doc Peets, who's a heap soon with a derringer. Asthe ponies flash by, Moore's six-shooter barks three times. Two poniesgoes rollin'; the third--it's Turkey Track's--continyoos cavortin'down the street an' out of town. Turkey Track never pulls up nor looksback. The last we sees of him is when he's two miles away, an' aswell rises up behind him an' hides him from view. 

"The G-bar boy, an' him from the Four-J outfit, hits the grass twentyfeet ahead of their ponies, like a roll of blankets chucked out of awagon, an' after bumpin' an' tumblin' along for a rod or so, an' allmighty condoosive to fractures an' dislocations, they flattens outreespective same as a couple of cancelled postage stamps. Shore, thefall jolts the savvy plumb out of 'em. 

"Bein' they're stretched out an' passive, Moore collects 'em an' sops'em up an' down in the water trough for mebby it's fifteen minutes. Which they're reesus'tated an' reeproved at one an' the same time. When them yooths comes to, they're a model to angels. To be shore, their intellects don't shine out at first none like the sun at noon, but continyoos blurred for hours. Even as late as the weddin' ofTurkey Track with the Mockin' Bird--an' that ain't for all of eightweeks--the G-bar boy informs Boggs confidenshul, as they're takin' alittle licker all sociable, that speakin' mental he's as yet a heap ineeclipse. 

"The maiden name of the Mockin' Bird is Loocinda Gildersleeve, butpop'lar pref'rence allers sticks to her stage title. She's a fav'riteat the Bird Cage Op'ry House, at which nursery of the drammy she'sbeen singin' off an' on for somethin' like three years. She's ashore-enough singer, too, the Mockin' Bird is. None of your yeepin'san' peepin's, none of your mice squeaks an' tea-kettle tones an' cubcoyote yelps. Which she's got a round, meelod'yous bellow like a houndin full cry, an' while she's singin' thar ain't a wolf'll open hismouth within a mile of town. Which them anamiles is plumb abashed, theMockin' Bird outholdin' 'em to that degree. 

"You-all don't hear no sech singin' in the East. Thar ain't room; an'moreover the East's too timid. For myse'f, an' I ain't got no y'earfor music, them top notes of the Mockin' Bird, like the death yell ofa mountain lion, is cap'ble of givin' me the fantods; while the wayshe hands out 'Home, Sweet Home' an' 'Suwannee River, ' an' her voicesort o' diggin' down into the soul, sets eemotional sports like Boggsan' Black Jack to sobbin' as though their hearts is broke. She'scertainly a jo-darter of a vocalist--the Mockin' Bird is, an' oncewhen she renders 'Loosiana Loo' an' Boggs's more'n common affected, heoffers to bet yellow chips as high as the ceilin' she can sing thesights off a Colt's . 45. 

"'Which I enjoys one of the most mis'rable evenin's of my c'reer, 'says Boggs to Faro Nell, when she expresses sympathy at him feelin' socast down. 'I wouldn't have missed it for a small clay farm. '

"'_Yo tambien_' says Black Jack, who's keepin' Boggs melanchollycompany while he weeps. 'Only I reckons the odd kyard in my own caseis that, before I'm a man an' in some other existence, I used to beone of these yere ornery little fice dogs, which howls every time ithears a pianny. It's some left-over vestiges of that life when I'm adog which sets me to bawlin', that a-way, whenever the Mockin' Birdgirl sings. I experiences pensive sensations, sim'lar to what comestroopin' over a gent, who's libatin' alone, on the heels of the thirddrink. '

"The Mockin' Bird looks as sweet as she sings. I mentions long agoabout the phil'sophic old stoodent who says, 'They do say love isblind, but I'll be ding-danged if some gents can't see more in theirgirls than I can. ' This yere wisdom don't apply none to the Mockin'Bird. Them wooers of hers, to say nothin' of Turkey Track, possessesjestification for becomin' so plumb maudlin'. Lovely? She's as prettyas a cactus flower, or a sunrise on the staked plains. 

"Folks likes her, too. Take that evenin' when a barbarian from overto'ards the Cow Springs cuts loose to disturb the exercises at theBird Cage Op'ry House with a measly fling or two. The public well nighbeefs him. They'd have shore put him over the jump, only Enrightinterferes. 

"It's doorin' the openin' scene, when the actors is camped 'round in ahalf-circle, facin' the fiddlers. Huggins, who manages the Bird Cage, an' who's the only hooman who ever consoomes licker, drink for drink, with Monte, an' lives to tell the tale, is in the middle. Bowin' tothe Mockin' Bird, an' as notice that she's goin' to carol some, heannounces:

"'The world-reenowned cantatrice, Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, cel'brated in two hemispheres as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will nowsing the ballad wharwith she ravished the y'ears of every crownedhead of Europe, the same bein' that pop'lar air from the op'ry of_Loocretia Borgia_, "Down in the Valley. "'

"At this that oncooth crim'nal from the Cow Springs gets up:

"'The Mockin' Bird of Arizona which you-all is bluffin' about, ' heshouts, 'can't sing more'n a burro, an' used to sling hash in asection house over by Colton. '

"'Never the less, notwithstandin', ' replies Huggins, who's too drunkto feel ruffled, 'Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, known to all theworld as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will now sing "Down in theValley. "'

"Huggins would have let things go at that, but not so the Wolfvillepop'lace. In the cockin' of a winchester they swoops down on that CowSprings outcast like forty hen-hawks on a single quail, an' as Iyeretofore observes, if it ain't for Enright they'd have made himshortly hard to find. You can gamble, the Cow Springs savage neverdoes go out on that limb ag'in. 

"While Turkey Track escapes the water trough, an' makes his getawaythat time all right, the pore pony ain't got by Moore onscathed. Thebullet hits him jest to the r'ar of the saddle-flap, an' out about abrace of miles he stumbles over dead. 

"It's yere eevents begins to fall together like a shock of oats. TheMockin' Bird's been over entrancin' Tucson, an' the reg'lar stage withMonte not preecisely dove-tailin' with her needs, she charters aspeshul buckboard to get back. Thar's a feeble form of hooman groundowl drivin' her, one of these yere parties who's all alkali an' hardluck, an' as deevoid of manly sperit as jack-rabbits onweaned. 

"This yere ground owl party, drivin' for the Mockin' Bird, comesclatterin' along with the buckboard jest as Turkey Track strips thesaddle an' bridle from his deefunct pony. Turkey Track is not withoutexecyootive ability, an' seein' he's afoot an' thirty miles from hishome ranch, he pulls his gun an' sticks up the buckboard plentyprompt. At the mere sight of a weepon the hands of that youngowl-person goes searchin' for stars, an' he's beggin' Turkey Track notto rub him out--him thinkin' it's a reg'lar hold-up. That's all theopp'sition thar is, onless you counts the reemarks of the Mockin'Bird, who becomes both bitter an' bitin' in equal parts, but has nomore effect on Turkey Track--an' him afoot that a-way--than pourin'water on a drowned rat. Shore, a cow-puncher'd fight all day, an' evenface a enraged female, before he'd walk a hour. 

[Illustration: TURKEY TRACK, SEEIN' HE'S AFOOT AN' THIRTY MILES FROM HISHOME RANCH PULLS HIS GUN AN' STICKS UP THE MOCKIN' BIRD'S BUCKBOARD. P. 138. ]

"Turkey Track piles his saddle an' bridle onto the r'ar of thebuckboard, an' settin' in behind on his plunder, commands the groundowl driver to head west till further orders. Likewise, he so faronbends as to say that them orders won't be deecem'nated, nonewhatever, ontil he's landed at the Turkey Track home ranch. Since hebacks this yere programme with his artillery, the ground owl ain't gotnothin' to say, an' it's no time when the outfit's weavin' along aside trail in the sole int'rests of Turkey Track. 

"What's worse, to dispell the ennui of sech a trip, an' drive awaydull care, Turkey Track takes to despotizin' over the Mockin' Birdwith his six-shooter, an' compels her to sing constant throughout themthirty miles. He makes her carrol everythin' from 'Old Hundred' to'Turkey in the Straw, ' an' then brings her back to 'Old Hundred' an'starts her over. The pore harassed Mockin' Bird, what with the dust, an' what with Turkey Track tyrannizin' at her with his gun, soundsfinal like an ongreased wheelbarrow which has seen better days. Shedon't get her voice ag'in for mighty clost to a month, an' even then, as she says herse'f, thar's places where the rivets reequirestightenin'. 

"It's pressin' onto eight weeks before ever Turkey Track is heard of'round town ag'in. Also, it's in the Bird Cage Op'ry House he hits thesurface of his times. The Mockin' Bird has jest done drove the vocalpicket-pin of 'Old Kentucky Home, ' when, bang! some loonatic shoots ather. Which the bullet bores a hole in the scenery not a foot above herhead. 

"Every one sees by the smoke whar that p'lite attention em'nates from, an' before you could count two, Moore, Boggs, an' Texas Thompson hasconvened themselves on top of that ident'cal spot. Thar sets TurkeyTrack, cryin' like a child. 

"'It's no use, gents, ' he sobs, the tears coursin' down his cheeks, 'she's so plumb bewitchin', an' I adores her so, I simply has to blazeaway or bust. '

"While he don't harm the Mockin' Bird none, the sent'ment of theStranglers, when Enright raps 'em to order inform'ly at the Red Lightan' Black Jack has organized the inspiration, favors hangin' TurkeyTrack. Even Texas, who loathes ladies by reason of what's been sawedoff onto him in the way of divorce an' alimony, that a-way, by hisLaredo wife, is yoonan'mous for swingin' him off. 

"'That I don't believe in marryin' 'em, ' says Texas, expoundin' hisp'sition concernin' ladies in answer to Boggs who claims he'sinconsistent, 'don't mean I wants 'em killed. But you never was nologician, Dan. '

"Cherokee's the only gent who's inclined to softer attitoodes, an'that leeniency is born primar'ly of the inflooence of Nell. Nell isplumb romantic, an' when she hears how the Turkey Track's beenenfiladin' at the Mockin' Bird only because he loves her, while shedon't reely know what she does want done with that impossiblecow-puncher, she shore don't want him hanged. 

"'It's sech a interestin' story!' says Nell, an' then capers across toMissis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie to c'llect their feelin's. 

"Moore brings in Turkey Track. 

"'Be you-all tryin' to blink out this yere young lady?' asks Enright, 'or is that gun play in the way of applause?'

"'It's love, ' protests Turkey Track, his voice chokin'; 'it's simply acry from the soul. I learns to love her that day on the buckboardwhile I'm lookin' at her red ha'r, red bein' my winnin' color. Gents, you-all won't credit it none, but jest the same them auburn tressesgets wropped about my heart. '

"'Whatever do you make of it, Doc?' whispers Enright. 

"'This boy, ' returns Peets, 'has got himse'f too much on his own mind. He's sufferin' from what the books calls exaggerated ego. '

"'That's one way of bein' locoed, ain't it?'

"'Shore. But him bein' twisted mental ain't no reason for not adornin'the windmill with his remains. The only public good a hangin' does isto scare folks up a lot, an' you can scare a loonatic quite as quickan' quite as hard as a gent whose intellects is plumb. '

"'Thar she stands, ' Turkey Track breaks in ag'in, not waitin' for noquestions, 'an' me as far below her as stingin' lizards is from stars!Then, ag'in, when folks down in front is a'plaudin' her, she wavin'at 'em meanwhile the gracious smile, it makes me jealous. Gents, Idon't plan nothin', but the first I knows I lugs out the old . 45 an'onhooks it. '

"The Mockin' Bird has come over from the O. K. House with Nell, MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie. As she hears Turkey Track's confession twodrops shows in her eyes like diamonds. Clutchin' hold of Nell, an'with Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie flockin' along in the r'ar, sherushes out the front door. 

"This manoover leaves us some upset, ontil Nell returns to explain. 

"'She's overcome by them disclosures, ' says Nell, 'an' goes outside toblush. '

"'The ontoward breaks of that songstress, ' observes Enright oneasily, 'has a tendency to confoose the issue, an' put this committee in thehole. '

"'Thar's nothin' confoosin' about it, Sam Enright. ' It's Missis Ruckerwho breaks out high an' threatenin', she havin' come back with Nell. 'This yere Mockin' Bird girl's in love with that gun-playin' cowboy, an' it's only now she finds it out. Do you-all murderers still insiston hangin' this yere boy, or be you willin' to see 'em wed an' livehappy ever after?'

"'Let's rope up a divine some'ers, ' exclaims Boggs, 'an' have 'emmarried. If that Mockin' Bird girl wants Turkey Track she shall shorehave him. I'd give her his empty head on a charger, if she asks it, same as that party in holy writ, she singin' "Suwannee River" like shedoes. '

"Cherokee, who's more or less rooled by Nell, thinks a weddin' theproper step, an' Tutt, who sees somethin' in Tucson Jennie's eye, declar's himse'f some hasty. 

"Even Texas backs the play. 

"'But make no mistake, ' says Texas; 'I insists on wedlock overlynchin' only because it's worse. '

"'Which it's as well, Sam Enright, ' observes Missis Rucker, blowin'through her nose mighty warlike, 'that you an' your marauders hassense enough to see your way through to that deecision. Which if you'dfailed, I'd have took this Turkey Track boy away from you-all with myown hands. This Vig'lance Committee needn't think it's goin' to do asit pleases 'round yere--hangin' folks for bein' in love, an' closin'its y'ears to the moans of a bleedin' heart. '

"'My dear ma'am, ' says Enright, his manner mollifyin'; 'I sees nothin'to discuss. The committee surrenders this culprit into the hands ofyou-all ladies, an' what more is thar to say?'

"'Thar's this more to say, ' an' Missis Rucker's that earnest her mouthsnaps like a trap. 'You an' your gang, settin' round like a passel ofbadgers, don't want to get it into your heads that you're goin' to runrough-shod over me. When I gets ready to have my way in this outfit, the prairie dog that stands in my path'll shore wish he'd never beenborn. '

"Enright don't say nothin' back, an' the balance of us maintainin' adignified silence, Missis Rucker, after a look all 'round, withdraws, takin' with her Tucson Jennie an' Nell, Turkey Track in their midst. 

"'Gents, ' observes Enright, when they're shore departed, an' speakin'up deecisive, 'ways must be deevised to 'liminate the feminine elementfrom these yere meetin's. I says this before, but the idee don't seemto take no root. Thar's nothin' lovelier than woman, but by virchooof her symp'thies she's oncap'ble of exact jestice. Her feelin's leadher, an' her heart's above her head. For which reasons, while Iwouldn't favor nothin' so ondignified as hidin' out, I s'ggests thatwe be yereafter more circumspect, not to say surreptitious, in ourdeelib'rations. '

"Shore, they're married. The cer'mony comes off in the O. K. House, an' folks flocks in from as far away as Deming. 

"'If you was a chemist, Sam, ' says Peets, tryin' to eloocidate whathappens when the Mockin' Bird learns she's heart-hungry that a-way forTurkey Track, 'you'd onderstand. It's as though her love's held ins'lootion, an' the jar of Turkey Track's gun preecip'tates it. '

"'Mebby so, ' returns Enright; 'but as a play, this thing's got mefacin' back'ards. Thar's many schemes to win a lady, but this yere'sthe earliest instance when a gent shoots his way into her arms. '

"'Well, ' returns Peets, 'you know the old adage--to which of coursethar's exceptions. ' Yere he glances over at Missis Rucker. 'It runs:

 "A woman, a spaniel an' a walnut tree, The more you beat 'em the better they be. "

"Boggs has been congratchoolatin' Turkey Track, an' kissin' the bride. Texas, as somber as a spade flush, draws Boggs into a corner. 

"'That Turkey Track, ' says Texas, 'considers this a whipsaw. He misseshangin', an' he gets the lady. He feels like he wins both ways. Wait!Dan, it won't be two years when he'll discover that, compar'd tomarriage, hangin' that a-way ain't nothin' more'n a technical'ty. '"

VI

THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH

"By nacher I'm a patriot, cradle born and cradle bred; my Americanism, second to none except that of wolves an' rattlesnakes an' Injuns an'sim'lar cattle, comes in the front door an' down the middle aisle; an'yet, son, I'm free to reemark that thar's one day in the year, an'sometimes two, when I shore reegrets our independence, an' wishes tharhad been no Yorktown an' never no Bunker Hill. "

The old cattleman tasted his glass with an air weary to the borders ofdejection; after which he took a pathetic puff at his pipe. I knewwhat had gone wrong. This was the Fifth of July. We had just surviveda Fourth of unusual explosiveness, and the row and racket thereof hadworn threadbare the old gentleman's nerves. 

"Yes, sir, " he continued, shoving a 'possum-colored lock back from hisbrow, "as I suffers through one of them calamities miscalledcel'brations, endoorin' the slang-whangin' of the orators an' bracin'myse'f ag'inst the slam-bangin' of the guns, to say nothin' of thefirecrackers an' kindred Chinese contraptions, I a'preeciates thefeelin's of that Horace Walpole person Colonel Sterett quotes in his_Daily Coyote_ as sayin', 'I could love my country, if it ain't for mycountrymen. '

"Still, comin' down to the turn, I reckon it merely means, when all isin, that I'm gettin' too plumb old for comfort. It's five years nowsince I dare look in the glass, for fear I'd be tempted to count theannyooal wrinkles on my horns. 

"It's mighty queer about folks. Speakin' of cel'brations, forthousands of years the only way folks has of expressin' any feelin' ofcommoonal joy, that a-way, is to cut loose in limitless an' onmeanin'uproar. Also, their only notion of a public fest'val is for one halfof the outfit to prance down the middle of the street, while the otherhalf banks itse'f ag'inst the ediotic curb an' looks at 'em. 

"People in the herd ain't got no intelligence. We speaks of the loweranamiles as though we just has it on 'em completely in the matter ofintelligence, but for myse'f I ain't so shore. The biggest fool of amule-eared deer savvys enough to go feedin' up the wind, makin' so tospeak a skirmish line of its nose to feel out ambushes. Any old bullelk possesses s'fficient wisdom to walk in a half-mile circle, as aconcloodin' act before reetirin' for the night, so that with himasleep in the center, even if the wind does shift, his nose'll stillget ample notice of whatever man or wolf may take to followin' histrail. 

"That's what them 'lower anamiles' does. An' now I asks, what man, goin' about his numbskull dest'nies, lookin' as plumb wise as atoo-whoo owl at noon, ever shows gumption equal to keepin' theconstant wind in his face, or has the sense to go walkin' roundhimse'f as he rolls into his blankets, same as that proodent elk?After all, I takes it that these yere Fo'th of Jooly upheavals is onlyone among the ten thousand fashions in which hoomanity eternallyonbuckles in expressin' its imbecil'ty. 

"Which I certainly do get a heap disgusted at times with the wildbeast called man. With all his bluffs about bein' so mighty sagacious, I can sit yere an' see that, speakin' mental, he ain't better than aneven break with turkey gobblers. Even what he calls his science turnsfinally out with him to be but the accepted ignorance of to-day; an'he puts in every to-morrow of his existence provin' what a onboundedjackass rabbit he's been the day before. It's otherwise with themlower anamiles; what they knows they knows. "

Plainly, something had to be done to fortify my old friend. I fellback, quite as a matter of course, upon that first aid to the injured, another drink, and motioned the black waiter to the rescue. It did myold friend good, that drink, the first fruits of which easier if notbetter condition being certain fresh accusations against himself. 

"The trooth is, I'm a whole lot onused to these yere Fo'th of Joolyoutbursts; an' so I ondoubted suffers from 'em more keenly, thata-way, than the av'rage gent. You see we never has none of 'em inWolfville; leastwise we never does but once. On that single festiveoccasion we shore stubs our toe some plentiful, stubs it to thatdegree, in fact, that we never feels moved to buck the game ag'in. Once is enough for Wolfville. 

"Which it's the single failure that stains the fame of the camp. Atthat, the flat-out reely belongs to Red Dog; or at least to PeteBland, for which misguided party the Red Dogs freely acknowledgesreespons'bility as belongin' to their outfit. 

"This yere Bland's dead now an' deep onder the doomsday sods. Also, hedied drinkin' like he'd lived. 

"'What's the malady?' Enright asks Peets, when the Doc comes trackin'back, after seein' the finish of Bland. 

"'No malady at all, Sam, ' says Peets, plumb cheerful an' frisky, sameas them case-hardened drug folks allers is when some other sportpasses in his checks--'no malady whatsoever. His jag simply stops oncenters, as a railroad gent'd say, an' I'm onable to start it ag'in. '

"Was Peets any good as a med'cine man? Son, I'm shocked! Peets ispackin' 'round in his professional warbags the dipplomies of twentycolleges, an' is onchallenged besides as the best eddicated sharppersonal on the sunset side of the Mississippi. You bet, heonderstands the difference at least between bread pills an' buckshot, which is a heap sight further than some of these yere drug folks everstudies. 

"Colonel Sterett, who's fa'rly careful about what he says, reefers toPeets in his _Daily Coyote_ as a 'intellectchooal giant, ' an' tharain't no record of any scoffer comin' squanderin' along to contradict. Mebby you'll say that the omission to do so is doo to the f'rociousattitoode of the _Daily Coyote_ itse'f, techin' contradictions, an'p'int to how that imprint keeps standin' at the head of its editorialcolumns as a motto, the cynicism:

"'Contradict the _Coyote_ and avoid old age!'

"Thar'd be nothin' in it if you do. That motto's only one of ColonelSterett's bluffs, one of his witticisms that a-way. You don't reckonthat, in a sparsely settled country, whar the pop'lation is few an'far between, the Colonel's goin' to go bumpin' off a subscriber overmebby a mere difference of opinion? The Colonel ain't quite thatlocoed. "

"But about your Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth of July celebration?" Iurged. 

"Which I'm in no temper to tell a story--me settin' yere with everynerve as tight as a banjo catgut jest before it snaps. To reelateyarns your mood ought to be the mood of the racontoor--a mood as richan' rank an' upstandin' as a field of wheat, ready to billow an' bendbefore every gale of fancy. The way yesterday leaves me, whatever taleI ondertakes to reecount would about come out of my mouth as stiff an'short an' brittle as chopped hay. Also, as tasteless. Better let it gotill some other an' more mellow evenin'. "

No; I was ready to accept the chances, and said as much. A chopped-haystyle, for a change, might be found acceptable. Supplementing thedeclaration with renewed Old Jordan, I was so far victorious that myaged man of cattle yielded. 

"Well, then, " he began reluctantly, "I'm onable to partic'larly saywhich gent does make the orig'nal s'ggestion, but my belief is it'sPeets. I'm shore, however, that the Cornwallis idee comes from Bland;an', since it's not only at that Cornwallis angle we-all fallspublicly down, but the same is primar'ly doo to the besotted obstinacyof this yere Bland himse'f, Wolfville, while ever proudly willin' tob'ar whatever blame's sawed off on to her shoulders proper, is alwaysconvinced that Red Dog an' not us is to be held accountable. However, Bland's gone an' paid what the sky scouts speaks of as the debt tonacher, an' I'm willin' to confess for one that when he's sober heain't so bad. Not that them fits of sobriety is either so freequent orso protracted they takes on any color of monotony. 

"Bland's baptismal name is Pete, an' in his way he's a leadin'inflooence in Red Dog. He's owner of the 7-bar-D outfit, y'earmark aswallow-fork in both y'ears--which brands seventeen hundred calveseach spring round-up; an' is moreover proprietor of the Abe LincolnHotel, the same bein' Red Dog's principal beanery. Bland don't have tokeep this yere tavern none, but it arranges so he sees his friends an'gets their _dinero_ at one an' the same time, which as combinin'business an' pleasure in equal degrees appeals to him a heap. 

"Which it's the gen'ral voice that the best thing about Bland is hiswife. She's shore loyal to Bland, you bet! When they're livin' inPrescott, an' a committee of three from one of them 'Purification OfThe Home' societies comes trapesin' in, to tell her about Bland bein'ondooly interested in a exyooberant young soobrette who's singin' atthe theayter, an' spendin' his money on her mighty permiscus, MissisBland listens plenty ca'm ontil they're plumb through. Then she handsthem Purifiers this:

"'Well, ladies, I'd a heap sooner have a husband who can take keer oftwo women than a husband who can't take keer of one. '

"After which she comes down on that Purification bunch like a fallin'star, an' brooms 'em out of the house. Accordin' to eye witnesses, whospeaks without prejewdyce, she certainly does dust their bunnetsstrenuous. 

"When Bland hears he pats Missis Bland on the shoulder, an' exclaims, 'Thar's my troo-bloo old Betsy Jane! She knows I wouldn't trade a lookfrom them faded old gray eyes of hers for all the soobretts whoeverpulls a frock on over their heads!'

"Followin' which encomium Bland sends to San Francisco an' changes inthe money from five hundred steers for an outfit of diamonds, to go'round her neck, an' preesents 'em to Missis Bland. 

"'Thar, ' he says, danglin' them gewgaws in the sun, 'you don't noticeno actresses flittin' about the scene arrayed like that, do you? Ifso, p'int out them over-bedecked females, an' I'll see all they've goton an' go 'em five thousand better, if it calls for every 7-bar-Dsteer on the range. '

"'Pete, ' says Missis Bland, clampin' on to the jooelry with one hand, an' slidin' the other about his neck, 'you certainly are the kindestsoul who ever makes a moccasin track in Arizona, besides bein' a goodprovider. '

"Shore, this yere Bland ain't so plumb bad. 

"An' after a fashion, too, he's able to give excooses. Talkin' toPeets, he lays his rather light an' frisky habits to him bein' apreacher's son. 

"'Which you never, Doc, ' he says, 'meets up with the son an' heir of apulpiteer that a-way, who ain't pullin' on the moral bit, an' tryin'for a runaway. '

"'At any rate, Pete, ' the Doc replies, all cautious an' conservative, 'I will say that if you're lookin' for some party who'll every day besteady an' law abidin', not to say seedate, you'll be a heap morelikely to find him by searchin' about among the progeny of some partywho's been lynched. '

"Recurrin' again to that miserabul Fo'th of Jooly play we cuts loosein, it's that evenin' when we invites Red Dog over in a body to he'pconsoome the left-over stock of lickers in the former Votes For WomenS'loon, an' nacherally thar's some drinkin'. As is not infrequent wharthar's drinkin', views is expressed an' prop'sitions made. It's thenwe takes up the business of havin' that cel'bration. 

"Peets makes a speech, I recalls, an' after dilatin' 'round to theeffect that Fo'th of Jooly ain't but two weeks ahead, allows that it'dbe in patriotic line for us to do somethin'. 

"'Conj'intly, ' says Peets, 'Red Dog an' Wolfville, movin' togetherwith one proud purpose of patriotism, ought to put over quite a show. As commoonities we're no longer in the swaddlin' clothes of infancy. It's time, too, that we goes on record as a whole public in somemanner an' form best calk'lated to make a somnolent East set up an'notice us. '

"Peets continyoos in a sim'lar vein, an' speaks of the settlement ofthe Southwest, wharin we b'ars our part, as a 'Exodus without aprophet, a croosade without a cross, ' which sent'ment he confesses hetakes from a lit'rary sport, but no less troo for that. He closes bysayin' that if everybody feels like he does Wolfville an' Red Dog'llj'ine in layin' out a program, that a-way, which'll shore spread theglorious trooth from coast to coast that we-all is on the map tostay. 

"It's a credit to both outfits, how yoonanimously the s'ggestion istook up. Which I never does see a public go all one way so plumbquick, an' with so little struggle, since B'ar Creek Stanton islynched; which act of jestice even has the absoloote endorsement ofB'ar Creek himse'f. 

"Peets is no sooner done talkin' than Tutt stacks in. 

"'Thar's our six-shooters, ' says he, 'for the foosilade; an', as formoosic, sech as "Columbia the Gem" an' the "Star Spangled Banner, " wecan round up them Dutchmen, who's the orchestra over at the Bird CageOp'ry House. '

"The talk rambles on, one word borryin' another, ontil we outlinesquite a game. Thar's to be a procession between Wolfville an' RedDog, an' back ag'in, Faro Nell leadin' the same on a _pinto_ pony asthe Goddess of Liberty. 

"'An' that reeminds me, ' submits Cherokee, when we reaches Nell;'thar's Missis Rucker. It's goin' to hurt her feelin's to be left out. As the preesidin' genius of the O. K. Restauraw she's in shape to giveus a racket we'll despise in eevent she gets her back up. '

"'How about lettin' her in on the play, ' says Boggs, 'an' typ'fyin'Jestice, that a-way?'

"'Thar's a idee, Dan, ' says Texas Thompson, 'which plugs the center, areecommendation which does you proud! Down in that Laredo Co't Housewhar my wife wins out her divorce that time, thar's a figger ofJestice painted on the wall. Shore, it don't mean nothin'; but all thesame it's thar, dressed in white, that a-way, with eyes bandaged, an'packin' a sword in one hand an' holdin' aloft some balances int'other. Come to think of it, too, that picture shore looks a lot likeMissis Rucker in the face, bein' plumb haughty an' commandin'. '

"'Missis Rucker not bein' yere none, ' says Enright softly, an'peerin' about some cautious, 'I submits that while no more esteemablelady ever tosses a flapjack or fries salt-hoss in a pan, her figger ismebby jest a trifle too abundant. As Jestice, she'll nacherally bearrayed--as Texas says--in white, same as Nell as the Goddess. I don'twant to seem technicle, but white augments the size of folks an' willmake the lady in question look bigger'n a load of hay. '

"'Even so, ' reemarks the Red Dog chief indulgently, 'would that ofitse'f, I asks, be reckoned any setback? The lady will person'fyJestice; an' as sech I submits she can't look none too big. '

"In compliment to the Red Dog chief Enright, with a p'lite flourish, allows that he yields his objection with pleasure, an' Missis Ruckeris put down for Jestice. It's agreed likewise to borry a coach fromthe stage company for her to ride on top. 

"'Her bein' preeclooded, ' explains Peets, 'from ridin' a hoss thata-way, as entirely ondignified if not onsafe. We can rig her up athrone with one of the big splint-bottom cha'rs from the Red Light, an' wrop the same in the American flag so's to make it lookoffishul. '

"Tucson Jennie, with little Enright Peets as the Hope of the Republic, is to ride inside the coach. 

"Havin' got this far, Pete Bland submits that a tellin' number wouldbe a sham battle, Red Dog ag'in Wolfville. 

"Thar's opp'sition developed to this. Both Enright an' the Red Dogchief, as leaders of pop'lar feelin', is afraid that some sport'llforget that it ain't on the level, an' take to over-actin' his part. 

"As the Red Dog chief expresses it:

"'Some gent might be so far carried away by enthoosiasm as to go toshootin' low, an' some other gent get creased. '

"'The same bein' my notion exact, ' Enright chips in. 'Of course, thegent who thus shoots low would ondenyably do so onintentional; butwhat good would that do the party who's been winged, an' who mightn'tlive long enough to receive apol'gies?'

"'That's whatever!' says Jack Moore. 'A sham battle's too plumb apt toprove a snare. The more, since everybody's so onused to 'em 'roundyere. A gent, by keepin' his mind firm fixed, might manage to missonce or twice; but soon or late he'd become preoccupied, an' bust someof the opp'sition before he could ketch himse'f. '

"Bland, seein' opinion's ag'inst a sham battle, withdraws the motion, an' does it plenty graceful for a gent who's onable to stand. 

"'Enough said, ' he remarks, wavin' a acquiescent paw. 'Ante, an' passthe buck. '

"The Lightnin' Bug, speakin' from the Red Dog side, insists that inthe reg'lar course of things thar's bound to be oratory. In thatconnection he mentions a sharp who lives in Phoenix. 

"'Which I'm shore, ' says the Bug, 'he'd be gladly willin' to assist;an' you hear me he's got a tongue of fire! Some of you-all sports musthave crossed up with him--Jedge Beebe of Phoenix?'

"'Jedge Beebe?' interjecks Monte, who's given a hostler his proxy totake out the stage because of thar bein' onlimited licker; 'me an' theJedge stands drinkin' together for hours the last time he's in Tucson. But you're plumb wrong, Bug, about him bein' eloquent. '

"'Wrong?' the Bug repeats, mighty indignant. 

"'Of course, ' says Monte, rememberin' how easy heated the Bug is, an'that he looks on six-shooters as argyooments, 'I don't mean he can'ttalk none; only he ain't what the Doc yere calls no Demosthenes. '

"'Did you ever hear the Jedge talk?' demands the Bug. 

"'Which I shore does, ' insists Monte; 'I listens to him for two hoursthat time in Tucson. It's when they opens the Broadway Dance Hall. '

"'Whatever is his subject?' asks the Bug, layin' for to ketch Monte;'what's the Jedge talkin' about?'

"'I don't know, ' says Monte, wropped in his usual mantle ofwhiskey-soaked innocence; 'he didn't say. '

"The Bug's eyes comes together in a angry focus; he thinks he's bein'made game of. 

"Tharupon Enright cuts in. 

"'Bug, ' he says, all sociable an' suave, 'you mustn't mind Monte. He'sso misconstructed that followin' the twenty-fifth drink he goes abouttakin' his ignorance for information. No one doubts but you're a heapbetter jedge than him of eloquence, an' everything else exceptnosepaint. S'ppose you consider yourse'f a committee to act for thecon'jint camps, an' invite this yere joorist to be present as oratorof the day. '

"The Bug's brow cl'ars at this, an' he asshores Enright that he'll beproud to act as sech. 

"'An', gents, ' he adds, 'if you says he ain't got Patrick Henry beatto a standstill, may I never hold as good as aces-up ag'in. '

"The Red Dog chief announces that all hands must attend a free-for-allbanquet which, inflooenced by the tenth drink, he then an' thardecides to give at Bland's Abe Lincoln House. 

"'Said banquet, ' he explains, 'bein' in the nacher of a lunch to beheld at high noon. If the dinin' room of the Abe Lincoln House ain'tspacious enough, an I'll say right yere it ain't, we'll teetotaciouslyset them tables in the street. That's my style! I wants everybody, barMexicans, to be present. When I gives a blow-out, I goes fo'th intothe highways an' byways, an' asks the halt an' the lame an' theblind, like the good book says. Also, no gent need go prowlin' 'roundfor no weddin' garments wharin to come. Which he's welcome to show upin goat-skin laiggin's, or appear wropped in the drippin' an'offensive pelt of a wet dog. '

"The Red Dog chief, lest some of us is sens'tive, goes on to add thatno gent is to regyard them cracks about the halt an' the lame an' theblind as aimed at Wolfville. He allows he ain't that invidious, an' inwhat he says is merely out to be both euphonious an' explicit, thata-way, at one an' the same time. 

"To which Enright reesponds that no offence is took, an' asshores theRed Dog chief that Wolfville will attend the banquet all spraddledout. 

"More licker, followed by gen'ral congratulations. 

"Bland ag'in comes surgin' to the fore. This time he thinks that as amain feachure it would be a highly effective racket to reënact thesurrender of Cornwallis to Washington. 

"Tutt goes weavin' across to shake his hand. 

"'Some folks allows, Pete, ' says Tutt, 'that you're as whiskey-soakedan old fool as Monte. But not me, Pete, not your old pard, Dave Tutt!An' you hear me, Pete, that idee about Cornwallis givin' up his swordto Washington dem'nstrates it. '

"'You bet your life it does!' says Bland. 

"'But is this yere surrender feasible?' asks Texas. 'Which, at firstblink, it seems some cumbrous to me. '

"'It's as easy as turnin' jack, ' declar's Tutt, takin' the play awayfrom Bland. 'I've seen it done. '

"'As when an' whar?' puts in Cherokee. 

"'Thar's a time, ' says Tutt--'it's way back--when I sets into a littlepoker game over in El Paso, table stakes she is, an' cleans up forabout $10, 000. For mebby a week I goes 'round thinkin' that $10, 000 isa million; an' after that I simply _knows_ it is. These yereonnacheral riches onhinges me to a p'int whar I deecides I'll visitChicago an' Noo York, as calk'lated to broaden me. '

"'Noo York!--Chicago!' interrupts the Bug. 'I once deescends upon themhamlets, an' I encounters this yere strikin' difference. In Chicagothey wouldn't let me spend a dollar, while in Noo York they wouldn'tlet anybody else spend one. '

"'It's otherwise with me, ' goes on Tutt, 'because for a wind-up Idon't see neither. I'm young then, d' you see, an' affected by yoothan' wealth I takes to licker, with the result that I goes pervadin' upan' down the train, insistin' on becomin' person'ly known to thepassengers. '

"'An' nacherally you gets put off, ' says Boggs. 

"'Not exactly, neither. Only the conductor, assisted by a bevy ofbrakemen, lays the thing before me in sech a convincin' shape that Igets off of my own accord. It seems that to be agree'ble, I proposeswedlock to a middle-aged schoolmarm, who allows that she sees noobjection except I'm a perfect stranger. She says it ain't beencustomary with her much to go weddin' strangers that a-way, but ifI'll get myse'f reg'larly introdooced, an' then give her a day or soto become used to my looks, she'll go me. It's then the conductordraws me aside, an' says, "I've a son about your age, my eboolientyoung sport, which is why I takes your part. My theery is that if yousticks aboard this train ontil we reaches Rock Island, you'll neverleave that village a single man. "

"'This sobers me, ' Tutt continyoos, 'an' I hides in the baggage kyarontil we reaches a camp called Sedalia, whar I quietly makes myescape. I'm that reelieved I gives the cabman $20 to let me drive, an'then starts in to wake things up. Which I shore wakes 'em! I comesdown the main street like the breath of destiny; an', say, you oughtto see them Missourians climb trees, an' gen'rally break for cover! Itcosts me $50; an' the jedge gives me his word that, only it's theFo'th of Jooly, he'd have handed me two weeks in the calaboose. Iclinks down the fifty _pesos_ some grateful, an' goes bulgin' forth towitness the cer'monies. She's a jo-darter, that Sedalia cel'brationis! As Pete yere recommends, they pulls off the surrender ofCornwallis on the Fair grounds. Also, it's plumb easy. All you needsis mebby a couple of hundred folks on hosses, an' after that therest's like rollin' off a log. '

"More is said as the drink goes round, an' Cornwallis surrenderin'to Washington takes hold of our imaginations. We throws dice, an' settles it that Red Dog'll be the English, with Bland asCornwallis, while Wolfville acts as the Americans, Boggs to performas Washington--Boggs bein' six foot an' some inches, besides aswide as a door. By the time we gets the stock of the Votes forWomen S'loon fully drinked up everything's arranged. 

"Onless you sees no objections, son, I'll gallop through the balanceof this yere painful eepisode. The day comes round, bright an'cl'ar, an' the Copper Queen people gen'rously starts the balla-rollin' by explodin' thirteen cans of powder, one for each ofthe orig'nal states. Then the procession forms, Nell in front as theGoddess. Thar's full two hundred of us, Wolfville an' Red Dog, onponies. As to Missis Rucker, she's on top of the coach as Jestice, Tucson Jennie--with little Enright Peets lookin' like a young hecherub--inside, an' Monte pullin' the reins over the six hosses. We makes four trips between Wolfville an' Red Dog, crackin' offour good old '45s at irreg'lar intervals, Nell on her calico pony asthe Goddess bustin' away with the rest. 

"Little Enright Peets wants in on the pistol shootin', an' howls jes'like a coyote--as children will--ontil Boggs, who foresees it an'comes provided, gives him a baby pistol, a box of blank cartridges, an' exhorts him to cut loose. Which little Enright Peets shore cutsloose, all right; an', except that he sets fire to the coach a fewtimes, an' makes Missis Rucker oneasy up on top--her fearin' thatmebby some of them blanks has bullets in 'em by mistake--he has aperfectly splendid time. 

"The procession over, we eats up the Red Dog chief's banquet, wharatevery brand of airtights is introdooced. That done, we listens toJedge Beebe, who soars an' sails an' sails an' soars, rhetorical, formebby it's a hour, an' is that eloquent an' elevated he never hitsnothin' but the highest places. 

"The Red Dog chief makes a speech, an' proposes 'Wolfville'; to whichPeets--by Enright's request--reesponds, an' offers 'Red Dog. ' It'sbottoms up to both sentiments; for thar's no negligence about thedrinks, Black Jack havin' capered fraternally over to he'p out hisoverworked barkeep brother of the Red Dog Tub of Blood. 

"When no one wants to further drink or eat or talk, we reepa'rs to alevel place between the two camps to go through the Cornwallis'surrender. The rival forces is arrayed opp'site, Cornwallis Bland in ared coat, an' Washington Boggs in bloo an' buff, accordin' to theteachin's of hist'ry. Both of 'em has sabers donated from the Fort. 

"When all's ready Washington Boggs an' Cornwallis Bland rides out infront ontil they're in easy speakin' distance. Cornwallis Bland's beenover-drinkin' some, an' is w'arin' a mighty deefiant look. 

"After a spell, nothin' bein' spoke on either side, Washington Boggscalls out:

"'Is this yere Gen'ral Cornwallis?'

"'Who you talkin' to?' demands Cornwallis Bland, a heap contemptuousan' insolent. 

"Peets has done writ out words for 'em to say, but neither uses 'em. Observin' how Cornwallis Bland conducts himse'f, Washington Boggswaves his sword plenty vehement, which makes his pony cavort an'buckjump, an' roars:

"'Don't you try to play nothin' on me, Gen'ral Cornwallis. Do you ordo you not surrender your mis'rable blade?'

"'Surrender nothin'!' Cornwallis Bland sneers back, meanwhile reelin'in his saddle. 'Thar's never the horned-toad clanks a spur in CochiseCounty can make me surrender. Likewise, don't you-all go wavin' thatfool weepon at me none. I don't valyoo it more'n if it's a puddin'stick. Which I've got one of 'em myse'f'--yere he'd have lopped offone of his pony's y'ears, only it's so dull--'an' I wouldn't give itto a yellow pup to play with. '

"'For the last time, Cornwallis, ' says Washington Boggs, face aflamewith rage, 'I commands you to surrender. '

"'Don't let him bluff you, Pete, ' yells a bumptious young cow-puncherwho belongs on the Red Dog-English side. 'Which we can wipe up theplains with that Wolfville outfit. '

"The Red Dog chief bats the young trouble-makin' cow-puncher over thehead with his gun, an' quietly motions to the Lightnin' Bug an' afellow Red Dog to pack what reemains of him to the r'ar. This done, heturns to reemonstrate with Cornwallis Bland for his obstinancy. He'stoo late. Washington Boggs, who's stood all he will, drives the spursinto his pony, an' next with a bound an' a rush, he hits CornwallisBland an' his charger full chisle. 

"The pony of Cornwallis Bland fa'rly swaps ends with itse'f, an'Cornwallis would have swapped ends with it, too, only Washington Boggscollars an' hefts him out of his saddle. 

"'Now, you onwashed drunkard, will you surrender?' roars WashingtonBoggs, shakin' Cornwallis Bland like a dog does a rat, ontil thatBritish leader drops all of his hardware, incloosive of hispistol--'now will you surrender, or must I break your back across yourown pony, as showin' you the error of your ways?'

"It looks like thar's goin' to be a hostile comminglin' of all hands, when--her ha'r streamin' behind her same as if she's a comet--MissisBland comes chargin' up. 

"'Yere, you drunken villyun!' she screams to Boggs, 'give me myhusband this instant, onless you wants me to t'ar your eyes out!'

"'It's him who's to blame, ma'am, ' says Enright mildly, comin' toBoggs' rescoo; 'which he won't surrender. '

"'Oh, he won't, won't he?' says Missis Bland, as she hooks ontoCornwallis Bland. 'You bet he'll surrender to me all right, or I'llknow why. '

"As the Red Dog chief is apol'gizin' to Enright, who's tellin' him notto mind, Cornwallis Bland is bein' half shoved an' half drug, not tomention wholly yanked, towards the Abe Lincoln House by Missis Bland. 

"That's the end. This yere ontoward finale to our cel'bration getswide-flung notice in print, an' instead of bein' a boost, as we-allhopes, Wolfville an' Red Dog becomes a jest an' jeer. Also, while itdon't sour the friendly relations of the two camps, the simple mentionof Fo'th of Jooly leaves a bitter taste in the Wolfville-Red Dog mouthever since. "

VII

PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST

"Do I ever see any folks get hypnotized? Which I witnesses a few sechinstances. But it's usually done with a gun. If you're yearnin' tobehold a party go into a trance plumb successful an' abrupt, get thedrop on him. Thar ain't one sport in a hundred who can look into themuzzle of a Colt's . 45, held by a competent hand, without lapsin' intowhat Peets calls a 'cataleptic state. '

"Shore, son, I savvys what you means. "

The last was because I had begun to exhibit signs of impatience atwhat I regarded as a too flippant spirit on the part of my oldcattleman. In the polite kindliness of his nature he made haste tosmooth down my fur. 

"To be shore I onderstands you. As to the real thing in hypnotism, however, thar arises as I recalls eevents but few examples in Arizona. The Southwest that a-way ain't the troo field for them hypnotists, theweak-minded among the pop'lation bein' redooced to minimum. Now an'then of course some hypnotic maverick, who's strayed from the easternrange, takes to trackin' 'round among us sort o' blind an' permiscus. But he never stays long, an' is generally tickled to death when somevig'lance committee so far reelents as to let him escape back. 

"Over in Bernilillo once, I'm present when a mob gets its rope ontoone of these yere wizards, an' it's nothin' but the mercy of hell an'the mean pars'mony of what outcasts has him in charge, which saves himfrom bein' swung up. Mind you, it ain't no vig'lance committee, but amob, that's got him. 

"Whatever is the difference?

"Said difference, son, is as a spanless gulf. A vig'lance committee isthe coolest kind of comin' together of the integrity an' the brains ofa commoonity. A mob, on the other hand, is a chance-blown conventionof deestructionists, as savagely brainless as a pack of timber wolves. A vig'lance committee seeks jestice; a mob is merely out for blood. "

"About this Bernilillo business?"

The old gentleman, as though the recital might take some time, signalled the black attendant to bring refreshments. The bottlecomfortably at his elbow, he proceeded. 

"I was thar, as I says, but I takes no part for either 'yes' or 'no, 'bein' no more'n simply a 'looker on in Vienna, ' as the actor partyobserves over in the Bird Cage Op'ry House. Thar's one of themhypnotizin' sharps who's come bulgin' into Bernilillo to give a show. Nacherally the local folks raps for a showdown; they insists heentrance some one they knows, an' refooses to be put off by himhypnotizin' what herd of hirelin's he's brought with him, on theargyooment that them humbugs is in all likelihood but cappers for hisgame. 

"Thus stood up, the professor, as he calls himself, begins rummagin''round for a subject. Thar's a little Frenchman who's been pervadin'about Bernilillo, claimin' to be a artist. Which he's shore a painterall right. I sees him myse'f take a bresh an' a batch of colors, an'paint a runnin' iron so it looks so much like wood it floats. Shore;Emil--which this yere genius' name is Emil--as a artist that a-way isas good as jacks-up before the draw. 

"The hypnotic professor runs his eye over the audjence. In a momenthe's onto Emil, an' begins to w'irl his hypnotic rope. It's Emil bein'thin an' weakly an' bloodless, I reckon, that attracts him. This yereEmil ain't got bodily stren'th to hold his own ag'in a high wind, an'the professor is on at a glance that, considered from standp'ints ofhypnotism, he ought to be a pushover. 

"Emil don't hone to be no subject, but them Bernilillo hold-upssnatches onto him in spite of his protests, an' passes him up onto thestage to the professor. They're plenty headlong, not to say boorish, them Bernilillo ruffians be; speshully if they've sot their hearts onanythin', an' pore Emil stands about the same show among 'em as acottontail rabbit among a passel of owls. 

"For myse'f, I allers adheres to a theery that what follows is to belaid primar'ly to the door of the Bernilillo pop'lace. Which it'sthemselves, not the professor, they'd oughter've strung up. You seethis Emil artist person blinks out onder the spells of the professor, an' never does come to no more. The professor hypnotizes Emil, but hecan't onhypnotize him. Thar he sets as dead as Davy Crockett. 

"This yere Emil bein' shore dead, Bernilillo sent'ment begins to churnan' wax active. Thar ain't a well-conditioned vig'lance committeebetween the Pecos an' the Colorado which, onder the circumstances, would have dreamed of stretchin' that professor. What he does, themBernilillo dolts forces him to do. As for deceased, his ontimelyevaporation that a-way is but the frootes of happenstance. 

"What cares the Bernilillo pop'lace, wolf hungry for blood? In thedroppin' of a sombrero they've cinched onto the professor, an' theonly question left open is whether they'll string him up to the townwindmill or the sign in front of the First National Bank. 

"While them Bernilillo wolves is howlin' an' mobbin' an' millin''round the professor--who himse'f is scared plumb speechless an' is aswhite as a lump of chalk--relief pushes to the front in mostonexpected shape. It's a kyard sharp by the name of Singleton, otherwise called the Planter, who puts himse'f in nom'nation toextricate the professor. 

"Climbin' onto the top step in front of the bank, the Planter lifts uphis voice for a hearin'. 

"'Folks!' he shouts, 'I'm in favor of this yere lynchin' like alandslide. But, all the same, thar's a bet we overlooks. It's up to usnot only to be jest, but to be gen'rous. This yere murderer, who'sdone blotted out the only real artist I ever meets except myse'f, hasa wife down to the hotel. As incident to these festiv'ties she's goin'to be a widow. Is it for the manhood an' civic virchoo of Bernililloto leave a widow of its own construction broke an' without a dollar? Ihears the incensed echoes from the Black Range roarin' back inscornful accents "No!" Sech bein' the sityooation, as preelim'nary tothis yere hangin' I moves we takes up a collection for that widow. Yere's a fifty to 'nitiate the play'--at this p'int the Planter throwsa fifty-dollar bill into his hat--'an' as I passes among you I wantsevery sport to come across, lib'ral an' free, an' prove to the worldlookin' on that Bernilillo is the band of onbelted philanthropistswhich mankind's allers believed. 

"Hat in hand, same as if it's a contreebution box an' he's passin' theplatter in church, the Planter begins goin' in an' out through themultitood like a meadowlark through standin' grass. That is, hestarts to go in an' out; but, at the first motion, that entirelynchin' party exhales like mist on the mornin' mountains. It's thesame as flappin' a blanket at a bunch of cattle. Every profligate of'em, at the su'gestion he contreebute to the widow, gets stampeded, an' thar's nobody left but the Planter, the professor, an' me. 

"'Which I shore knows how to tech them ground-hawgs on the raw, ' saysthe Planter, as he onlooses the professor. 'If I was to have p'inted agun at 'em now, they'd've give me a battle. But bein' to the last manjack a bunch of onmitigated misers, a threat leveled at theirbankrolls sets 'em to hidin' out like quail!'

"The professor?

"The instant he's laig-free, an' without so much as pausin' tocongrachoolate his preeserver on the power of his eloquence, hevanishes into the night. He's headin' towards Vegas as he's lost tosight, an' I learns later from Russ Kishler he makes that meetropolismore or less used up. No; he don't have no wife. That flight of fancyis flung off by the Planter simply as furnishin' 'atmosphere. '

"Wolfville never gets honored but once by the notice of a hypnotist. This yere party don't proclaim himse'f as sech, but bills his littlegame as that of a 'magnetic healer, ' an' allows in words a foot highthat he's out to 'make the deef hear, the blind see, the lame to walkan' the halt to skip an' gambol as doth the hillside lamb. ' Also, onthem notices, the same bein' the bigness of a hoss-blanket an' hung uplib'ral in the Red Light, the post office, the Dance Hall, an' the NooYork store, is a picture of old Satan himse'f, teachin' ProfessorPropriety Pratt--that bein' the name this yere neecromancer giveshimse'f--his trade. 

"These proclamations is tacked up a full week before Professor Prattis doo, an' prodooces a profound effect on Boggs, him bein' by nachersooperstitious to the brink of the egreegious. The evenin' before theProfessor is to onlimber on us, he shows in Red Dog, an' Boggs is thatroused by what's been promised in the line of mir'cles, he ridesacross to be present. 

"'It ain't that I'm convinced none, ' Boggs reports, when quaffin' hisOld Jordan in the Red Light, an' settin' fo'th what he sees, 'but Imust confess to bein' more or less onhossed by what this yere PrattProfessor does. He don't magnetize none of them Red Dog drunkards inperson, for which he's to be exon'rated, since no self-respectin'magnetizer would let himse'f get tangled up with sech. He confines hisexploits to a brace of dreamy lookin' ground owls he totes 'round withhim, an' which he calls his "hosses. " What he makes these vagrants do, though, assoomin' it's on the squar', is a caution to bull-snakes. After he's got 'em onder the "inflooence, " they eats raw potatoes likethey're roast apples, sticks needles into themselves same as thoughthey're pincushions, an' at his slightest behest performs other featsboth blood-curdlin' an' myster'ous. '

"We-all listens to Boggs, of course, as he recounts what marvels he'sgone ag'inst in Red Dog, but we don't yield him as much attention aswe otherwise might, bein' preeockepied as a public with word of ahold-up that's come off over near the Whetstone Springs. Somebandit--all alone--sticks up the Lordsburg coach, an' quits winnersixty thousand dollars. Nacherally our cur'osity is a heap stirred up, for with sech encouragement thar's no tellin' when he'll make a playat Monte an' the Wolfville stage, an' take to layin' waste thefortunes of all us gents. What is done to Lordsburg we can stand, buta blow at our own warbags, even in antic'pation, is calc'lated tocause us to perk up. We're all discussin' the doin's of this yereroute agent an' wonderin' if it's Curly Bill, when Boggs gets backfrom Red Dog, with the result, as I says, that he onloads hisfindin's, that a-way, on a dead kyard. Not that this yere publicinattention preys on Boggs. He keeps on drinkin' an' talkin', same asthough, all y'ears like a field of wheat, we ain't doin' a thing butlisten. 

"'Also, ' he observes, as he tells Black Jack to rebusy himse'f, meanwhile p'intin' up to the poster which shows how the devil isholdin' Professor Pratt in his lap an' laborin' for that hypnotist'sinstruction; 'I shall think out a few tests which oughter get themeasure of that mountebank. He won't find this outfit so easy as themRed Dog boneheads. '

"Professor Pratt has a one-day wait in Wolfville, not bein' able thatevenin' to get the Bird Cage Op'ry House, the same bein' engaged by acompany of histrions called the Red Stocking Blonds. Havin' nothin'else to do, the Professor wanders yere an' thar, now in the RedLight, now at the Noo York store, but showin' up at the O. K. Restauraw at chuck time both rav'nous an' reg'lar. Missis Ruckerallows she never does feed a gent who puts himse'f outside of so muchgrub for the money, an' hazards the belief it's because of a loss ofnervous force through them hypnotizin's he pulls off. Not that she'sfindin' fault, for the Professor, havin' staked her to a free ticket, has her on his staff in the shakin' of a dice-box. 

"The Professor don't come bulgin' among us, garroolous an' friendly, but holds himse'f aloof a heap, clingin' to the feelin' mebby that topreeserve a distance is likely to swell reesults at the Bird Cagedoor. Boggs, however, ain't to be stood off by no coldness, carin' nomore for a gent's bein' haughty that a-way than a cow does for acobweb. Which you bet it'll take somethin' more'n mere airs to holdBoggs in check. 

"It's in the O. K. Restauraw, followin' our evenin' _frijoles_, thatBoggs breaks the ice an' declar's for some exper'ments. 

"'Which you claims, ' says he, appealin' to the Professor, 'to make thedeef hear and the blind see. Onforchoonately we're out of deef folksat this writin', an' thar's nothin' approachin' blindness in this neckof woods which don't arise from licker. But aside from cures thusrendered impossible for want of el'gible invalids, thar's still thisyere hypnotic bluff you puts up. What Wolfville hankers for is tests, tests about the legit'macy of which thar's no openin' for dispoote. Wharfore I yereby makes offer of myse'f to become your onmurmurin'dupe. I'll gamble you a stack of bloos you don't make me drink nowater, thinkin' it's nosepaint, same as you pretends to do with themwretched confed'rates of yours. '

"The Professor is a big b'ar-built sport, an' looks equal to holdin'his own onder common conditions. But Boggs don't come onder the latterhead. So the Professor, turnin' diplomatic an' compliment'ry, explainsthat sech powerful nachers as Boggs' is out of reach of hisrope--Boggs bein' reepellent, besides havin' too strong a will. 

"'As to you, Mister Boggs, with that will of yours, ' says theProfessor, 'I might as well talk of hypnotizin' Cook's Peak. '

"One after another, Boggs makes parade of everybody in camp. It's nogo; the Professor waves 'em aside as plumb onfit. Missis Rucker's gottoo much on her mind; in Rucker the tides of manhood is at so low aebb he might die onder the pressure; Monte's too full of nosepaint, alcohol, that a-way, bein' a nonconductor. 

"When the Professor dismisses Monte, the ground he puts it on excitesthat inebriate to whar it reequires the united energies of Cherokeean' Tutt to kick him off the Professor. It's only the direct commandsof Enright which in the end indooces him to keep the peace. 

"'Let me at him!' he howls; 'let me get at him! Does any one figgerI'll allow some fly-by-night charl'tan to go reeflectin' on me? Standback, Cherokee, get out o' the way, Dave, till I plaster the wall withhis reemains!'

"'Ca'm yourse'f, Monte, ' says Enright, who's come in in time toonderstand the trouble. 'Which if this hypnotizer was reely meanin' tooutrage your feelin's, it'd be different a whole lot, an' thissod-pawin' an' horn-tossin' might plead some jestification. But whathe says is in the way of scientific exposition, an' nothin' saidscientific's to be took insultin'. Ain't that your view, Doc?'

"'Shore, ' replies Peets. The Doc's been havin' no part in thediscussion, him holdin' that the Professor, with his rannikaboo bluffabout healin', is a empirik, an' beneath his professional contempt. 'Shore. Also, I'm free to inform Monte that if he thinks he's goin' tolap up red licker to the degree he does, an' obleege folks in gen'ralto treat sech consumption as a secret, he's got his stack downwrong. '

"'Enough said, ' ejacyoolates Monte, but still warm; 'whether or no, Doc, I'm the sot this outfit's so fond of picturin', I at least ain'tso lost to reason as to go buckin' ag'inst you an' Enright. Jest thesame, though, I'm yere to give the news to any magnetizing horned-toadwho sows the seeds of dispoote in this camp that, if he goes aboutmalignin' me, he'll shore find I'm preecisely the orange-huedchimpanzee to wrop my prehensile tail around him an' yank him from hislimb. '

"'Aside from aidin' the deef an' the blind, ' says the Professor, ignorin' Monte utter an' addressin' himse'f to Boggs an' the publicgen'ral, 'my ministrations has been found eff'cacious wharever thecourse of troo love has not run smooth. I binds up wounds ofsent'ment, an' cures every sickness of the soul. Which, if thar's anyheart lyin' 'round loose yereabouts an' failin' to beat as one, or asperit that's been disyoonited from its mate an' can't remake thehook-up, trust me to get thar with bells on in remedyin' sech evils. '

"The Professor beams as he gets this off, mighty benignant. Texas, feelin' like the common eye is on him, commences to grow restless. 

"'Be you-all alloodin' to me?' he asks the Professor, his mannerapproaching the petyoolant. 'Let me give you warnin', an' all on theprinciple that a wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule. So shore asyou go to makin' any plays to reyoonite me an' that divorced Laredowife of mine I'll c'llect enough of your hypnotizin' hide to make asaddle-cover. '

"'Permit me, ' says the Professor, turnin' to Texas some aghast, 'togive you my word I nourishes no sech deesigns. Which I'm driven tosay, however, that your attitoode is as hard to fathom as a fifth acein a poker deck. I in no wise onderstands your drift. '

"'You onderstands at least, ' returns Texas, still morbid an'f'rocious, 'that you or any other fortune teller might better havebeen born a Digger Injun to live on lizards, sage bresh an'grasshoppers than come messin' 'round in my mar'tal affairs with aview to reebuildin' 'em up. My hopes in that behalf is rooined; an'whoever ondertakes their rehabil'tation'll do it in the smoke. WhatI'm out after now is the ca'm onbroken misery of a single life, an'I'll shore have it or have war. '

"'My heated friend, I harbors no notion, ' the Professor protests, 'oftryin' to make it otherwise. Your romancin' 'round single, that a-way, ain't no skin off my nose. An' while I never before hears of yourformer bride, I'm onable to dodge the feelin' that she herse'f mostlikely might reesent to the utmost any attempt on my part to ag'inbring you an' her together. '

"Texas formyoolates no express reply, but growls. The Professor, stillwith that propitiatin' front, appeals to the rest of us. 

"'Gents, ' he says, 'this yere's the most reesentful outfit I'm everinveigled into tryin' to give a show to. I certainly has no thought ofrubbin' wrong-ways the pop'lar bristles. All I aims at is to give aexhibition of anamile magnetism, cure what halt an' blind--if any--iscripplin' an' moonin' about, c'llect my _dinero_ an' peacefully hitthe trail. An' yet it looks like a prejewdice exists ag'inst meyere. '

"'Put a leetle pressure on the curb, thar, ' interrupts Peets. 'You'reup ag'inst no prejewdice. On that bill, wharwith you've done defacedthe Wolfville walls, you makes sundry claims. An' now you r'ars backon your ha'nches, preetendin' to feel plumb illyoosed, because someone seeks to put the acid on 'em. '

"'That's whatever!' adds Boggs; 'the Doc states my p'sitionequilaterally exact. I sees your Red Dog show. I'll be present a wholelot at your show to-morry night. Also, I feels the need of gyardin'ag'inst my own credoolity. What I sees you do in Red Dog, while notconvincin', throws me miles into the oncertain air; an' I don't figgeron lettin' you _vamoos_, leavin' me in no sech a onsettled frame. Wharfore, I deemands tests. '

"'Yere, ' breaks in Nell, who's been listenin', 'what's the matter ofthis occult party hypnotizin' me. '

"'The odd kyard in that deck, ' says Cherokee, his manner trenchin' onthe baleful--'the odd kyard in that deck is that onless this yereoccultist is cap'ble of mesmerizin' a bowie to whar it looses bothp'int an' edge, for him to go weavin' his wiles an' guiles 'round you, Nellie, would mark the evenin' of his c'reer. '

"Nell beams an' brightens at these yere proofs of Cherokee's int'rest, while the pore Professor looks as deeply disheveled mental as he doeswhen Texas goes soarin' aloft. 

"Little Enright Peets waddles up to tell his paw that Tucson Jenniewants him. As he comes teeterin' along on his short cub-b'ar laigs, fat an' 'round as forty pigs, the Professor--thinkin' it'll mebbyrelieve the sityooation--stoops down to be pleasant to little EnrightPeets. 

"'Yere's my little friend!' he says, at the same time holdin' out hishands. 

"Later we-all feels some ashamed of the excitement we displays. Butthe trooth is, the Professor offerin' to caress little Enright Peetsthat a-way sends us plumb off our feet. I never before witnesses anysech display of force. Every gent starts for'ard, an' some has pulledtheir guns. 

"'Paws off!' roars Enright to the pore dazed Professor, whocomes mighty clost to rottin' down right thar; 'in view of themannouncements'--yere Enright p'ints to the bill, whar Satan an'the Professor is deepicted as teacher an' poopil--'do you-all reckonwe lets sech a devil's baby as you go manhandlin' that child?'

"The Professor throws up his hands like he's growing desp'rate. 

"'Folks, ' he says, 'I asks, in all hoomility, is thar anythin' I cansay or do in this yere camp without throwing away my life?'

"'Shore, ' returns Boggs; 'all you got to do is give a deemonstration. '

"'However be I goin' to give a hypnotic deemonstration, ' returns theProfessor, apparently on the verge of nervous breakdown, 'when everypossible subject is either too preeokyoopied, or too obstinate, or tooweak, or too yoothful, or too beautiful, or too drunk? If it's healin'you're after, bring fo'th the sickest you've got. If he's blind an'his eye ain't gouged plumb out, I'll make him see; if he's lame an'his laig ain't cut plumb off, I'll make him walk. An' now, gents, I'mthrough. If these yere proffers don't suit, proceed with my bootchery. I care less, since one day with you-all exactin' tarrapins hasrendered life so distasteful to me that I wouldn't turn hand or headto live. '

"Havin' got this off his mind, the harassed Professor sets down an'buries his face in his hands. 

"'Why not introdooce him, ' breaks in Rucker, who's nosin' about, 'tothat aflickted shorthorn who comes groanin' in on the stage lastnight? He's been quiled up in his blankets with the rhoomatism eversince he hits camp. Which if this yere imposter can make him walk, it'll shore be kings-up with Missis Rucker, 'cause she wants to makethe bed. '

"'Whar's this sufferer at?' demands Boggs, takin' the Professor by thesleeve an' with the same motion pullin' his six-shooter. 'This yerediscussion's done reached the mark whar it's goin' to be a case ofkill or cure for some sport. '

"Rucker leads the way up sta'rs, Boggs an' the Professor next, therest trailin'. All hands crowds into the little dark bedroom. Thar onthe bed, clewed up into a knot, lies the rhoomatic party. As we-allfiles in, he draws himse'f onder the blankets ontil nothin' but hisnose sticks out. 

"'Professor, ' says Boggs, an' his six-shooter goes 'kluck! kluck!'mighty menacin', 'onfurl your game! I shore trusts that you ain'tstarted nothin' you can't stop. '

"The pore Professor don't nurse no doubts. He thinks he's in thebubblin' midst of blood an' sudden death; wharfore, you bet, he throwsplenty of sperit into his racket. Makin' some hostile moves with hishands--Boggs elevatin' his gun, not bein' quite content about themmotions--the Professor yells:

"'Get up!'

"Talk of mir'cals! Which you should have seen that rhoomatic! With oneturrific squawk he lands on his knees at the feet of Boggs, beggin'for mercy. 

"'Don't kill me, ' he cries; 'I'll show you whar I plants the money. '

"Whoever is that rhoomatic? Which he's the stoodent who stands up thestage over by Whetstone Springs. His rhoomatism's merely thatmalefactor's way of goin' onder cover. 

"The Professor later offers to divide with Boggs on the twothousand-dollar reward the Wells-Fargo folks pays, but Boggs shakeshis head. 

"'You take the entire wad, Professor, ' says he, wavin' aside thatgen'rous necromancer. 'It's the trophy of your own hypnotic bow an'spear. What share is borne by my . 45 is incidental. Which I'll say, too, that if I was playin' your hand I'd spread that cure on myposters as the star mir'cle of my c'reer. '"

VIII

THAT TURNER PERSON

"Talk of your hooman storm-centers an' nacheral born hubs of grief, "observed the old cattleman, reminiscently; "I'm yere to back thatTurner person ag'inst all competitors. Not but what once we're ontohis angles, he sort o' oozes into our regyards. His baptismal name is'Lafe, ' but he never does deerive no ben'fit tharfrom among us, himbehavin' that eegregious from the jump, he's allers referred to as'that Turner person. '

"As evincin' how swift flows the turbid currents of his destinies, hesucceeds in focusin' the gen'ral gaze upon him before he's been incamp a day. Likewise, it's jest as well Missis Rucker herse'f ain'tpresent none in person at the time, or mighty likely he'd have focusedall the crockery on the table upon him, which you can bet your last_peso_ wouldn't have proved no desid'ratum. For while Missis Ruckerain't what I calls onusual peevish, for a lady to set thar quiet an'be p'inted to by some onlicensed boarder as a Borgia, that away, wouldbe more'n female flesh an' blood can b'ar. 

"It's like this. The Turner person comes pushin' his way into the O. K. Restauraw along with the balance of the common herd, an' pulls acha'r up ag'inst the viands with all the confidence of a oldestinhab'tant. After grinnin' up an' down the table as affable as a wetdog, he ropes onto a can of airtights, the same bein' peaches. Hehe'ps himse'f plenty copious an' starts to mowin' 'em away. 

"None of us is noticin' partic'lar, bein' engaged on our own hookreachin' for things, when of a sudden he cuts loose a screech whichwould have knocked a bobcat speechless. 

"'I'm p'isened!' he yells; 'I'm as good as dead right now!'

"Followin' this yere fulm'nation, he takes to dancin' stiff-laiged, meanwhile clutchin' hold of the buckle on his belt. 

"Thar should be no dissentin' voice when I states that, at a crisiswhen some locoed maverick stampedes a entire dinin' room by allowin'he's been p'isened, prompt action should be took. Wharfore it excitesno s'rprise when Jack Moore, to whom as kettle-tender for theStranglers all cases of voylance is _ex officio_ put up, capchers theghost-dancin' Turner person by the collar. 

"'Whatever's the meanin' of this midprandial excitement?' demandsJack. 'Which if these is your manners in a dinin' room, I'd shoreadmire to see you once in church. '

"'I'm p'isened!' howls the Turner person, p'intin' at the airtights. 'It's ptomaines! I'm a gone fawnskin! Ptomaines is a center shot!'

"None of us holds Rucker overhigh, an' yet we jestifies that husband'saction. Rucker's headin' in from the kitchen, bearin' aloft a platterof ham an' cabbage. He arrives in time to gather in the Turnerperson's bluff about 'ptomaines, ' an' onderstands he's claimin' to bep'isened. Shore, Rucker don't know what ptomaines is, but what then?No more does the rest of us, onless it's Peets, an' he's over toTucson. As I freequently remarks, the Doc is the best eddicated sharpin Arizona, an' even 'ptomaines' ain't got nothin' on him. 

"Rucker plants the platter of ham an' cabbage on the table, an'appeals 'round to us. 

"'Gents, ' he says, 'am I to stand mootely by an' see this tavern, thebest j'int ondoubted in Arizona, insulted?' An' with that he's down onthe Turner person like a fallin' tree, whar that crazy-hossindividyooal stands jumpin' an' dancin' in the hands of Moore. 

"'What's these yere slanders, ' shouts Rucker, 'you-all is levelin' atmy wife's hotel? Yere we be, feedin' you on the fat of the land; an'the form your gratitoode takes is to go givin' it out broadcast you'rep'isened! You pull your freight, ' he concloodes, as he wrastles thedancin' Turner person to the door, 'an' if you-all ever shows yourvillifyin' nose inside this hostelry ag'in I'll fill you full ofbuckshot. '

"To be shore, that crack about buckshot ain't nothin' more'n vainhyperbole, Rucker not possessin' the spunk of bull-snakes. The Turnerperson, however, lets him get away with it, an' submits tamely to bebuffaloed, which of itse'f shows he ain't got the heart of a hornedtoad. The eepisode does Rucker a heap of good, though, an' he puffs upimmoderate. Given any party he can buffalo, an' the way thatweak-minded married man expands his chest, an' takes to struttin', isa caution to cock partridges. An' all the time, a jack-rabbit, ofordinary resolootion an' force of character, would make Rucker take toa tree or go into a hole. 

"Is the Turner person p'isened?

"No more'n I be. Which it's simple that alarmist's heated imagination, aggravated by what deloosions is born of the nosepaint he gets inRed Dog before ever he makes his Wolfville deboo at all. Two hookersof Old Jordan from Black Jack renders him so plumb well he'sreedic'lous. 

"Most likely you-all'd go thinkin' now that, havin' let sech ahooman failure as Rucker put it all over him, this Turner person'd liedormant a spell, an' give his se'f-respect a chance to ketch itsbreath. Not him. It's no longer away than second drink time the sameevenin' when he locks gratooitous horns with Black Jack. To this lastembroglio thar is--an' could be--no deefense, Jack bein' so amiablethat havin' trouble with him is like goin' to the floor with yourown image in the glass. Which he's shorely a long sufferin'barkeep, Jack is. Mebby it's his genius for forbearance, that a-way, which loores this Turner person into attemptin' them outrages on hissens'bilities. 

"The Turner person stands at the bar, sloppin' out the legit'mateforty drops. With nothin' said or done to stir him up, he cocks hiseye at Jack--for all the world like a crow peerin into a bottle--an'says, "'Which your feachers is displeasin' to me, an' I don't like yourlooks. '

"Jack keeps on swabbin' off the bar for a spell, an' all as mild asthe month of May. 

"'Is that remark to be took sarkastic?' he asks at last, 'or shall wecall it nothin' more'n a brainless effort to be funny?'

"'None whatever!' retorts the Turner person; 'that observation's madein a serious mood. Your countenance is ondoubted the facial failure ofthe age, an' I requests that you turn it the other way while Idrinks. '

"Not bein' otherwise engaged at the moment, an' havin' time at hiscommand, Jack repairs from behind the bar, an' seizes the Turnerperson by the y'ear. 

"'An' this is the boasted hospital'ty of the West!' howls the Turnerperson, strugglin' to free himself from Jack, who's slowly butvoloominously bootin' him towards the street. 

"It's Nell who tries to save him. 

"'Yere, you Jack!' she sings out, 'don't you-all go hurtin' that poretenderfoot none. '

"Nell's a shade too late, however; Jack's already booted him out. 

"Shore, Jack apologizes. 

"'Beg parding, Nellie, ' he says; 'your least command beats four of akind with me; but as to that ejected shorthorn, I has him all thrownout before ever you gets your stack down. '

"The Turner person picks himse'f out of the dust, an', while he feelshis frame for dislocations with one hand, feebly menaces at Black Jackwith t'other. 

"'Some day, you rum-sellin' miscreent, ' he says, 'you'll go too farwith me. '

"As showin' how little these vicisitoodes preys on this Turner person, it ain't ten minutes till he's hit the middle of Wolfville's principalcauseway, roarin' at the top of his lungs, "'Cl'ar the path! I'm the grey wolf of the mountings, an' gen'raldesolation follows whar I leads!'

"Yere he gives a prolonged howl. 

"The hardest citizen that ever belted on a gun couldn't kick up nosech row as that in Wolfville, an' last as long as a drink of whiskey. In half the swish of a coyote's tail, Jack Moore's got the Turnerperson corralled. 

"'This camp has put up with a heap from you, ' says Moore, 'an' now wetries what rest an' reeflection will do. '

"'I'm a wolf--!'

"'We savvys all about you bein' a wolf. Also, I'm goin' to tie you tothe windmill, as likely to exert a tamin' inflooence. '

"Moore conveys the Turner person to the windmill, an' ropes his twohands to one of its laigs. 

"'Thar, Wolf, ' he says, makin' shore the Turner person is fastenedsecoore, 'I shall leave you ontil, with every element of wildnessabated, you-all begins to feel more like a domestic anamile. '

"From whar we-all are standin' in front of the post office, we cansee the Turner person roped to the windmill laig. 

"'What do you reckon's wrong with that party?' asks Enright, sort o'gen'ral like; 'I don't take it he's actchooally locoed none. '

"Thar's half a dozen opinions on the p'int involved. Tutt su'geststhat the Turner person's wits, not bein' cinched on any too tight bynacher in the beginnin', mebby slips their girths same as happens witha saddle. Cherokee inclines to a notion that whatever mentaldeeflections he betrays is born primar'ly of him stoppin' that week inRed Dog. Cherokee insists that sech a space in Red Dog shore ought tobe s'fficient to give any sport, however firmly founded, a decisiveslant. 

"As ag'inst both the others, Boggs holds to the view that the onusualfitfulness observ'ble in the Turner person arises from a change oflicker, an' urges that the sudden shift from the beverages of Red Dog, which last is indoobitably no more an' no less than liquid loonacy, tothe Red Lights Old Jordan, is bound to confer a twist upon thestraightest intellectyooals. 

"'Which I knows a party, ' says Boggs, 'who once immerses a ten-pennynail in a quart of Red Dog licker, an' at the end of the week he takesit out a corkscrew. '

"'Go an' get him, Jack, ' says Enright, p'intin' to the Turner person;'him bein' tied thar that a-way is an inhooman spectacle, an' iflittle Enright Peets should come teeterin' along an' see him, it'dhave a tendency to harden the innocent child. Fetch him yere, an' letme question him. '

"'Front up, ' says Moore to the Turner person, when he's been conveyedbefore Enright; 'front up now, frank an' cheerful, an' answerquestions. Also, omit all ref'rences to bein' a wolf. Which you'veworn that topic thread-bar'; an' besides it ain't calc'lated to do youcredit. '

"'Whatever's the matter with you?' asks Enright, speakin' to theTurner person friendly like. 'Which I begins to think thar's somethin'wrong with your system. The way you go knockin' about offendin' folks, it won't be no time before every social circle in the Southwest'll beclosed ag'inst you. Whatever's wrong?'

"'Them's the first kind words, ' ejacyoolates the Turner person, beginnin' to weep, 'which has been spoke to me in months. Which ifyou-all will ask me into yon s'loon, an' protect me from that murdererof a barkeep while I buys the drinks, I'll show you that I've beenillyoosed to a degree whar I'm no longer reespons'ble for my deeds. It's a love affair, ' he adds, gulpin' down a sob, 'an' I've beencrooelly misonderstood. '

"'A love affair, ' repeats Enright plenty soft, for the mention of lovenever fails to hit our old warchief whar thar't a palin' off hisfence. 'I ain't been what you-all'd call in love none since the PurpleBlossom of Gingham Mountain marries Polly Hawkes over on the PaintedPost. Polly was a beauty, with a arm like a canthook, an' at sechdulcet exercises as huggin' she's got b'ars left standin' sideways. However, that's back in Tennessee, an' many years ago. '

"Enright, breshin' the drops from his eyes, herds the Turner personinto the Red Light an' signals to Black Jack. 

"'Onfold, ' he says; 'tell me as to that love affair wharin you getscold-decked. '

"Nell abandons her p'sition on the lookout stool, an' shows upinterested an' intent at Enright's shoulder. 

"Ain't I in this?' she asks. 

"'Be thar any feachures, ' says Enright to the Turner person, 'calc'lated to offend the y'ears of innocence?'

"'None whatever, ' says the Turner person. 'Which I'm oncapable ofshockin' the most fastid'yous. '

"'Is thar time, ' asks Nell of Enright, 'for me to round up MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie? Listenin' to love tales, that a-way, is ducksoup to both of 'em. '

"'You-all can tell 'em later, Nellie, ' returns Enright. Then, to theTurner person, 'Roll your game, _amigo_, an' if you needs refreshment, yere it is. '

"'It ain't no mighty reecital, ' says the Turner person loogubriously, 'an' yet it ought to go some distance, among fa'r-minded gents, inexplainin' them vain elements of the weird an' ranikaboo which more orless enters into my recent conduct. I'm from Missouri; an' for alivelihood, an' to give the wolf a stand-off, I follows the professionof a fooneral director. My one weakness is my love for Peggy Parks, who lives with her folks out in the Sni-a-bar hills. 

"'The nuptual day is set, an' I goes hibernatin' off to Kansas City tofetch the license. '

"'How old be you?' breaks in Enright. 

"'Me? I'm twenty-six the last Joone rise of the old Missouri. As Iwas sayin', I hitches my hoss in Market Squar', an' takes toreeconoiterin' along Battle Row, wonderin' wharever them licenses isfor sale, anyway. Final, I discovers a se'f satisfied lookin' party, who's pattin' a dog. I goes to talkin' about the dog, an' allowin'I'm some on dogs myse'f, all by way of commencin' a conversation;an' winds up by askin' whar I go for to get a license. "Over thar, "says the dog party p'intin' across to a edifice he asshores me is aCity Hall. "First floor, first door, an' the damage is a dollar. "

"'Thus steered, I goes streakin' it across, an' follows directions. Iboards my dollar, an' demands action. The outcast who's dealin' thelicense game writes in my name, an' shoves the paper across. In a blurof bliss I files it away in my jeans, mounts my hoss, an' goesgambodin' back to Peggy, waitin' at ancestral Sni-a-bar. '

"'Is your Peggy sweetheart pretty?' asks Nell. 

"'She's a lamp of loveliness! Sweet? Beetrees is gall an' wormwood toher. 

"'As to the weddin', it's settled Peggy an' me is to come flutterin'from our respective perches the next day. Doubtless we'd have done so, only them orange blossom rites strikes the onexpected an' goesglancin' off. 

"'It's the Campbellite preacher, who's been brought in to marry us, that starts it. The play's to be made at Peggy's paw's house, afterwhich, for a weddin' trip, she an' me's to go wanderin' out torwardsthe Shawnee Mission, whar I've got some kin. The parson, when he hasthe entire outfit close-herded into the parlor, asks--bein' a car'fulold practitioner--to see the license. I turns it over, an' he takes itto the window to read. He gives that docyooment one look, an' thenglowers at me personal mighty baleful. "Miserable wretch, " says he, "do you-all want to get yourse'f tarred an' feathered?"

"'In my confoosion I thinks this outbreak is part of the cer'mony, an' starts to say "I do!" Before I can edge in a word, however, hecalls over Peggy's old man. "Read that!" he cries, holdin' the licenseonder old Pap Parks' nose. Old Parks reads, an' the next news I getshe's maulin' me with his hickory walkin' stick like he's beatin' akyarpet. 

"'Without waitin' to kiss the bride or recover my license, I simplyt'ars out the front of the house an' breaks for the woods. The nextday, old Parks takes to huntin' me with hounds. Nacherally, at thisproof of man's inhoomanity to man, I sneaks across into Kansas, an'makes for the settin' sun. '

"'An' can't you give no guess, ' says Enright, 'at why old Parks digsup the waraxe so plumb sudden?'

"'No more'n rattlesnakes onborn, onless his inordinate glee at gettin'me for a son-in-law has done drove him off his head. '

"'Which it couldn't be that, ' says Enright, takin' a hard, thoughtfullook at the Turner person. Then, followin' a pause, he adds, 'thar'ssome myst'ry yere!'

"'Ain't you-all made no try, ' asks Nell, 'sech as writin' letters, orsome game sim'lar, to cl'ar things up?'

"'You-all don't know Pap Parks, Miss, in all his curves. Why, it'slucky he ain't wearin' his old bowie at that weddin', or he'd a-splitme into half apples. If I goes to writin' missives that a-way, he'lllocate me; an' you can take my word that invet'rate old homicide 'dtravel to the y'earth's eends to c'llect my skelp. That ain't goin' todo me; for, much as I love Peggy, I'd a heap sooner be single thandead. '

"'That party ain't locoed, ' says Texas, noddin' towards the Turnerperson, whar he sets sobbin' in a cha'r when Enright gets throughexaminin' him. 'He's simply a howlin' eediot. Yere he escapes wedlockby a mir'cle; an'--chains an' slavery!--now he can't think of nobetter way to employ his liberty than in cryin' his heart out becausehe's free. If I'm bitter, gents, it's because I speaks from hardexperience. Considerin' how she later corrals that Laredo divorce an'sells up my cattle at public vandoo for costs an' al'mony, if when Itroops to the altar with that lady whom I makes Missis Thompson, mygyardian angel had gone at me with a axe, that faithful sperit wouldhave been doin' no more than its simple dooty in the premises. '

"Enright takes it onto himself to squar' the Turner person at the RedLight an' the O. K. Restauraw; an', since his ensooin' conduct is muchwithin decent bounds, except that Rucker steps some high an' mightywhen he heaves in sight an' Black Jack gives him hard an' narrowlooks, nothin' su'gestive of trouble occurs. In less'n a week heshakes down into his proper place, an' all as placid as a duck-pond. He's even a sort o' fav'rite with Nell, Missis Rucker an' TucsonJennie, they claimin' that he's sufferin' from soul blight because ofa lost love. Certainly, thar's nothin' in this yere fem'nine bluff, but of course none of us don't say so at the time. 

"Boggs holds that the Turner person's only a pecooliarly gifted liar, an' refooses to believe in him. 'Because it's prepost'rous, ' saysBoggs, 'that folks would go in to frame up a weddin', an' then, led bythe preacher, take to mobbin' the bridegroom on the very threshold ofthem nuptials. '

"'It ain't by no means shore, Dan, ' says Texas, to whom Boggs impartshis convictions, 'but what you've drove the nail. Which if that Parkshousehold reely has it in for this Turner person, they'd have let himgo the route. Could even the revenge of a fiend ask more than simplyseein' him a married man?'

"In about a fortnight, that Turner person's got fully cooled out, an'the worst effects of what Red Dog licker he imbibes has disappeared. As he feels himse'f approachin' normal, as Peets puts it, he mentionsto Enright casyooal like that, if the town sees nothin' ag'in it, hereckons he'll open an ondertakin' shop. 

"'Not, ' he says, 'that I'm the man to go hintin' that what formerfoonerals has been pulled off in these yere parts ain't been all theyshould; but still, to get a meetropolitan effect, you oughter have ahearse an' ploomes. Let it be mine to provide them marks of a advancedcivilization. It'll make villages like Red Dog an' Colton sing low, an' be a distinct advantage to a camp which is strugglin' forconsid'ration. Yes, sir, ' goes on the Turner person, warmin' with thetheme, 'what's the public use of obsequies if you-all don't exhaust'em of every ounce of good? An' how can any outfit expect to do this, an' said outfit shy that greatest evidence of modern reefinement, ahearse? Given a rosewood coffin, an' a black hearse with ploomes--meon the box--an' the procession linin' solemnly out for Boot Hill, ifwe-all ain't the instant envy of the territory, you can peg me out bythe nearest ant hill ontil I pleads guilty to bein' wrong. '

"'Thar's no need for all this yere eloquence, ' replies Enright, blandly. 'What you proposes has been a dream of mine for years. Youopen your game as fooneral director, an' if we can't find material foryou local, we'll go rummagin' 'round as far as Lordsburg an' SilverCity to supply the deficiency. '

"Feelin' Enright is behind him, the Turner person goes to work withsech exyooberant enthoosiasm, that it ain't a month before he bringsover his hearse from Tucson, said vehicle havin' been sent on from theEast. She's shore no slouch for a catafalque neither, an' we p'radesup an' down the street with it, gettin' the effect. 

"Boggs voices the common feelin'. 

"'Thar's a conveyance, ' says he, 'that comes mighty close to robbin'death of half its sting. Any sport is bound to cash in more content, when he savvys that his last appearance is bound to be a vict'ry an'he'll be freighted to the sepulcher in a swell wagon like that. '

"'It is shore calc'lated to confer class on the deeparted, ' assentsTutt. 

"These praises certainly exalts the sperits of the Turner person awhole lot. He buys the old Lady Gay dance hall, which, since the goin'out of the Votes for Women S'loon, has again become the ondispootedproperty of Armstrong, makes a double-door to back in the hearse, an'reopens that deefunct temple of drink an' merriment as a ondertakin'establishment. Over the front he hangs up his sign. 

 COFFIN EMPORIUM. 

 L. TURNER, FUNERAL DIRECTOR. 

 CORPSES SOLICITED. 

"That sign so much uplifts the sperit of the town it mor'n doubles theday's receipts at the Red Light. Also, two or three shady charactersvamooses for fear of what a nacheral public eagerness to see thathearse in action may do. 

"It's the day next on the hocks of the installation of the Turnerperson in business, an' the fooneral director is lookin' out of thefront window of his coffin emporium wishin' some gent'd startsomethin' with his gun an' mebby bump him off a load for his newhearse, when Enright eemerges from the post office with a iron look onhis face. Peets is with him, an' the pa'r is holdin' a pow-wow. 

"The rest of us might have taken more notice, only our sombreros isfittin' some tight on account of the interest we evinces the day priorin he'pin' la'nch the Turner person that a-way. As it is, we bats alackluster eye, an' wonders in a feeble way what's done corr'gatedEnright's brow. 

"It don't go no further than wonder, however, ontil after a fewmoments talk with Nell, Enright sends across for the Turner person. Asshowin' how keenly sens'tive are the female faculties that a-way, Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie is canvassin' some infantile mal'dy oflittle Enright Peets in the front room of the O. K. House, an' same asif they smells the onyoosual in the air, they comes troopin' over tothe Red Light to note what happens next. 

"'Young man, ' says Enright, when the Turner person has been broughtin, 'by way of starter, let me inquire, be you preepared to surrenderyour destinies, of which you're plumb onfitted to have charge, intodisgusted albeit kindly hands?'

"The Turner person, some oneasy at seein' Moore, who's carelesslytoyin' with a lariat, edgin' 'round his way, allows in tremblin' toneshe is. 

"'Thar be those, ' goes on Enright, 'who with the best intentions inthe world, has been explorin' the ins an' outs of your Sni-a-bartroubles, an' while the clouds is measur'ble lifted the fresh lightshed on your concerns leaves you in a most imbecile sityooation. Whichif I thought that little Enright Peets, not yet in techin' distance ofhis teens, hadn't got no more sense than you, much as I dotes uponthat baby I'd shore vote for his deemise. However, proceedin' with thedeal, thar's this to say: Nellie thar, writes to your Peggysweetheart, while I opens negotiations with old man Parks. I plans toread you them replies, but after advisin' with the Doc, an' collectin'the views of Nell, it's deemed s'fficient to tell you what you'regoin' to do, an' then head you fo'th to its accomplishment. Ourconj'int findin's, the same bein' consented to by old Parks inwritin', an' tearfully deesired by your Peggy sweetheart in what shecommoonicates to Nellie, is that you proceed at once to Sni-a-bar, an'get them interrupted nuptials over. After which you'll be free toreturn yere with your bride, an' take up the hon'rable an' usefulc'reer you've marked out. As the preesidin' officer of the Stranglers, my word is that you be ready to start by next stage; which, onlessMonte gets so deep in licker that he tips that conveyance over abluff, should permit you to clasp your Peggy to your bosom an' kissthe tears from her cheeks by the middle of next week. '

"'But, ' interjects the Turner person, his voice soundin' like theterrified bleatin' of a sheep, 'can't you-all give me no glimmer ofwhat's wrong that time? I don't hanker overmuch to go back in darkenedignorance, like a lamb to the slaughter. What guarantee have I gotthat old Parks won't lay for me with that bootcher knife of his'n? Itain't fair to leave me to go knockin' about, in the midst of perilssech as these, like a blind dog in a meat shop. '

"'Your Peggy, ' returns Enright, 'encloses a letter to you by the handof Nellie yere, which may or may not set fo'th what insults youperp'trates upon her fam'ly. Also, said missive furnishes the onlychance at this end of the trail of you findin' out the len'th an'breadth of your ignorant iniquities. For myse'f, the thought of whatyou-all does that time is so infooriatin' I must refuse to go over itin words. Only, if in his first reesentments old Parks had burned youat the stake, I would not have condemned him. As to your safetypers'nal, you can regyard it as asshored. Your Peggy will protect you, an' your footure parent-in-law himse'f acquits you of everythingexcept bein' an eediot. It's, however, got down to whether he preefersto have a fool in his fam'ly or see his darter wretched for life, an'he's done nerved himse'f to take the fool. '

"'Thar's your sweetheart's letter, ' an' Nell puts an envelope whichsmells of voylets into the Turner person's hands. 

"That ondertaker reads it; an' after bein' confoosed by shame for amoment, he begins to cheer up. 

"'Folks, ' he says, kissin' his Peggy's letter an' stowin' it away inhis coat, 'I trusts a gen'rous public will permit me, after thankin'them whose kindness has smoothed out the kinks in my affairs, to closethe incident with onlimited drinks for the camp. ' That's all he says;an' neither can we dig anything further out of Enright or Nell. 

"We sees the Turner person aboard the stage, an' wishes him all kindsof luck. As Monte straightens out the reins over his six hosses an'cleans the lash of his whip through his fingers, Peets vouchsafes apartin' word. 

"'Neither I nor Sam, ' says Peets, 'wants you to go away thinkin' thatyou an' your bride ain't goin' to be as welcome as roses when you an'she comes ramblin' in as one on your return. '

"'That's whatever, ' coincides Nell. 

"'Also, ' breaks in Enright, 'should old Parks go to stampin' the sodor shakin' his horns, you-all are to put up with them deemonstrationsan' not make no aggrevatin' reemarks. No one knows better than you bynow, how much cause you gives that proud old gent to feel harrowed. '

[Illustration: WE SEES THE TURNER PERSON ABOARD AN' WISHES HIM ALL KINDSOF LUCK. P. 222. ]

"Of course all of us is preyed on by anxiety to know whatever awfulthing it is the Turner person does. In the end it's Missis Rucker whosmokes Enright out. 

"'Sam Enright, ' says this yere intrepid lady, her manner plentydarklin', 'you mustn't forget that whenever the impulse moves me I canshet down utter on your grub. Likewise, as a lady, I not only knows myp'sition, but keenly feels my rights. Which I don't aim to coerce you, but onless you comes through with the trooth about this yere Turnerperson's felonies, some drastic steps is on their way. '

"'You will see, Missis Rucker, ' says Enright, who's to be excoosed forturnin' a bit white, 'that no present reason exists for threatenin' mewhen I asshores you that as far back as last evenin' I fully decidesto lay bar' everything. I do this, onderstand, not through fear; butlest some folks go surmisin' round to the inj'ry of the innocent. As Irecollects back, too, I can see how the Turner person slumps into thatmistake, him first talkin' dog to that canine party in Battle Row, an' then askin' whar does he go for the weddin' license. '

"'Sam Enright, ' interrupts Missis Rucker, whose flashin' eyes showsshe's growin' hysterical, 'don't harass me with no p'intless speeches. You say flat what it is he does, or take the consequences. '

"'Why, my dear Missis Rucker, ' an' Enright makes haste with his reply, 'the thing is easily grasped. The paper he gives the preacher sharp isa dog license. Which that Turner person is seekin' to wed the belle ofSni-a-bar on a permit to keep a dog! The canine party he meets inBattle Row misonderstands a sityooation. '

"'All the same, ' observes Texas to Boggs, as the two meets thatevenin' in the Noo York store, 'thar's one feachure to a dog license, not perceivable in a marriage license, which is worth gold an'precious stones. Said docyooment runs out in a year. '"

IX

RED MIKE

"Mebby you-all recalls about that Polish artist person?" suggested theold cattleman, tentatively; "him I speaks of former?" My gray old_campañero_ was measuring out what he called his "forty drops, " and, since this ceremony necessitated keeping one eye on his glass, whilehe endeavored to keep the other eye on me, the contradictory effortresulted in a wavering and uncertain expression, not at all in harmonywith his usual positive air. By way of helping conversation, Iconfessed to a clear remembrance of the "Polish artist person, " andwound up by urging him to give the particulars concerning thatinteresting exile. 

"Well, " he cautiously returned, "thar ain't nothin' so mightythrillin' in his Wolfville c'reer. You see he ain't, for the most, nopop'lar figure--him bein' a furriner, that a-way, an' a artist, an'sufferin' besides from conceit in so acoote a form as to make it noexaggeration to say he's locoed. On account of these yere divers an'sundry handicaps, he don't achieve no social success, an' while he'swith us, you'd hardly call him of us. 

"Not that I objects to this deescendant of Warsaw's last champion, personal. Which I'm a heap like Enright in sech reespects, an'shore tol'rant. I finds out long ago that the reason we-all goesfault-findin' about people, mostly is because we don't onderstandconcernin' them folk's surroundin's. Half the things we arches ournecks over, an' for which mebby we feels like killin' 'em a wholelot, they can't he'p none. If we only savvys what they're reely upag'inst, it's four for one we pities 'em instead. 

"It's like one time 'way back yonder, when me an' Steve Stevenson hasa sudden an' abrupt diffukulty with a buffalo bull. We're camped outon the edge of the Rockies near the Spanish Peaks, an' me an' Steve, in the course of a little _passear_ we're takin', is jest roundin' abunch of plum bushes when, as onexpected as a gun play in a Bibleclass, that devil's son an' heir of a bull--who's been hid by thebushes--ups an charges. Which you should have seen me an' Stevescatter! We certainly do onbuckle in some hasty moves! He's bigger 'na baggage wagon, an' as we leaves our guns ten rods away in camp, thar's nothin' for it but to dig out. 

"Nigh whar I'm at is a measley _pinon_ tree, an' the way I swarmsaloft among that vegetable's boughs an' branches comes mighty clost tobein' a lesson to mountain lions. Steve, who's the onluckiest sportwest of the Missouri, an' famed as sech, ain't got no tree. The besthe can do is go divin' into a hole he sees in some rocks, same as ifhe's a jack-rabbit with a coyote in hot pursoote. 

"Me an' Steve both bein' safe, an' reegyardin' that bull as baffled, Idraws a breath of relief. That is, to be ackerate, I starts to drawit; but before I so much as gets it started, yere that inordinateSteve comes b'ilin' out of his hole ag'in like he ain't plumbsatisfied about that bull. The bull's done give him up, too, an'switchin' his tail some thoughtful has started to go away, when, as Itells you, that fool Steve comes surgin' out upon his reetreatin'hocks. 

"Nacherally, what could any se'f-respectin' bull do but wheel an'chase Steve back? It's no use, though; Steve won't have it. No soonerdoes the bull get him hived that a-way, an' make ready to reetire toprivate life ag'in, than, bing! yere Steve comes bulgin' like a corkout of a bottle. An' so it continyoos, a reg'lar see-saw between Stevean' the bull. Steve'll go into his cave of refooge, prairie-dogfashion, a foot ahead of the bull's horns, only to be a foot behindthe bull's tail as that painstakin' anamile is arrangin' to deepart. 

"Which sech wretched strategy arouses my contempt. 

"'You dad-binged Siwash, ' I yells down at Steve, 'whyever don'tyou-all stay in that hole, ontil the bull forgets whar you're at?'

"'Go on!' Steve shouts back, as in he dives, head-first, for mebbyit's the twentieth time; 'it's as simple as suckin' aiggs, ain't it, for you up in your tree? You-all don't know nothin' about this hole;thar's a b'ar in this hole!'

"Which I allers remembers about that dilemmy of Steve's. An' now, whenI beholds a gent makin' some rannikaboo break, an' everybody'sscoffin' at him an' deenouncin' him for a loonatic or worse, Ireeflects that mighty likely if we-all was to go examine the hole he'sin, we'd find it plumb full of b'ar. 

"Returnin' to the orig'nal proposition, the same bein' that Polack, let me begin by sayin' that whenever it comes to any utterances ofhis'n, I'm nacherally onable to quote him exact. What with him rollin'his 'Rs' ontil they sounds like one of them snare drums, an' thejiggerty-jerkety fashion wharin he chops up his English, a gent mightas soon try to quote a planin' mill exact. 

"That I'm able to give you-all his troo name is doo wholly to himpassin' round his kyard a heap profoose, when he first comes ramblin'in, said cognomen as printed bein' 'Orloff Ivan Mitzkowanski, Artistand Painter of Portraits. ' We perooses this yere fulm'nation two orthree times, an' Peets even reads it out loud; but since the tongue ofno ordinary gent is capable of ropin' an' throwin' it, to say nothin'of tyin' it down, we cuts the gordian knot in the usual way byre-christenin' him _pro bono publico_ as Red Mike, which places himwithin the verbal reach of all. 

"'Yes, ' he says, as he ladles out them kyards, an' all with themanner of a prince conferrin' favors--'yes, I'm a artist come to you, seekin' subjects an' color. As you probably observes by my name, I'm agallant Pole, one whose noble ancestors shrieks when Kosciusko fell. '

"Him bein' a stranger that a-way, an' no one, onless it's Peets, everhavin' heard about Poland, or Kosciusko, or whoever does thatshriekin' the time when Kosciusko finds himse'f bumped off, we letsMike get by with this yere bluff. Besides, his name of itse'f sort o'holds us. That anyone, an' specially any furriner, could come as faras he has, flauntin' a name like that in the sensitive face ofmankind, an' yet live to tell the tale, is shore plenty preepar'toryto believin' anything. 

"When we lets it go that owin' to local conditions we'll be obleegedto call him 'Red Mike, ' he's agree'ble. 

"'As you will, my friends, ' he cries, bulgin' out his breast an'thumpin' it. 'What care I, who am destined for immortality, thatbarbarians should hail me as Red Mike? It is enough that I am notdestroyed, enough that I still move an' have my bein'!'

"'Mike, ' interjecks Tutt, bristlin' a little, 'don't cut loose in nooffensive flights. It's a heap onadvisable when addressin' us tooverwork that word "barbarian. " As you says yourself, you're lucky tobe alive; which, bein' conceded, it'd be plenty proodent on your partnot to go doin' nothin' to change your luck. '

"'Steady thar, Dave, ' says Enright, 'don't go exhibitin' your teeth toa pore benighted furriner, an' him not onto our curves. '

"'Him bein' a furriner, ' retorts Tutt, 'is but a added argyooment infavor of him takin' heed. Speakin' for myse'f, I in partic'lar don'twant no furriner to step on my tail an' stand thar, same as if myfeelin's ain't goin' to count. '

"'Be composed, my friend, ' says Mike, tryin' to follow Enright out an'squar' himse'f with Tutt--'be composed. I reetract the "barbarians"an' suggest a drink. '

"'That's all right, Mike, ' returns Tutt, who's easy mollified; 'stillI onreservedly says ag'in that in Arizona thar's nothin' in becomin'too difoose. All that this time lets you out, Mike, is that havin'jest had our feed we're happ'ly lethargic. Which if you'd let flythat crack about barbarians, an' us not fed none, some gent nototherwise employed 'd have seized upon you as a mop-rag wharwith towipe up the floor. '

"Thar's allers a dispoote as to whether or no Mike reely commitssooicide that time. Tutt an' Texas holds to the last that his lightgettin' blowed out like it does is accidental. Peets, however, insistsit's a shore-enough sooicide. Of course, Boggs goes with Peets. Whatever's the question at bay, Boggs never fails to string his playwith the Doc's; it's Boggs's system. All you has to do to get a riseout o' Boggs is get some opinion out o' Peets. Once the Doc declar'shimse'f, Boggs is right thar to back said declaration for his lastdollar every time. 

"As sustainin' his claim of sooicide, Peets p'ints out that thar's nogent, not a howlin' eediot complete, but knows s'fficient of giantpowder to be dead on to how it's cap'ble of bein' fired by friction. 

"'Why, ' he says, eloocidatin' his p'sition, 'even darkened savages isposted as to that. I once sees a South Sea Islander, in a moose-yumEast, who sets a bunch of shavin's in a blaze by rubbin' together twosticks. An' this yere Mike is a eddycated sharp, eddicated at a Dutchoutfit called Heidelberg. Do you-all reckon a gradyooate of sech asem'nary ever walks out on a cold collar, him not wise, an' performsin the numbskull fashions as this yere Mike?'

"'That's whatever!' chimes in Boggs. 

"As I tells you, any emphatic idee laid down by Peets instantly setsBoggs to strikin' same as one of them cuckoo clocks. 

"Enright?

"The old silver tip stands nootral, not sidin' with either Peets an'Boggs or Tutt an' Texas. 

"'Which this yere Mike bein' shore dead, ' says Enright, 'strikes me ass'fficient. I plants my moccasins on that, an' don't go pirootin' an'projectin' about for no s'lootions which may or may not leave me outon a limb. '

"You recalls how it's Monte who, while gettin' drunk with him over tothe Oriental S'loon in Tucson, deloodes Mike into p'intin' our way. Also, what Enright says to that deboshed stage driver for so doin'. Enright's shore fervent on that occasion, an' the language he useswould have killed two acres of grass. But that don't he'p none. Afterthe dust Enright paws up has settled, thar's Mike still, all quiled upin the Wolfville lap. 

"Thar's a worse feachure, the same bein' Mike's wife. She's as young, an' mighty nigh as lovely, too, as Nell; only she's blind, this yereMike's girl wife is, blind as any midnight mole. Besides her, an' aarmful of paint breshes an' pictures, about all Mike's got in the wayof plunder is a ten-dollar bill. If it's only Mike, we-all might havethickened our hides a heap, an' let him go jumpin' sideways for hisdaily grub, same as other folks. But girls must be fed, speshullyblind ones. 

"Which this egreegious Mike, who calls her his 'little Joolie, ' allowsher bein' blind that a-way is why he marries her. 

"'It inshores her innocence, ' he says; 'because it inshores herignorance of the world. '

"'Likewise, ' remarks Peets, as we stands discussin' this yerereasonin' of Mike's in the Red Light, 'it inshores her ignorance ofthem onmitigated pictures he paints. Which if ever she was just to getone good look at 'em, he couldn't hold her with a Spanish bit. Butyou-all knows how it is, Sam?'--Yere Peets clinks his glass, an' allmighty sagacious, ag'inst Enright's--'The wind is tempered to theshorn lamb. On the whole, I ain't none convinced that her bein' blind, that a-way, ain't for the best. '

"To look at this little Joolie, you-all'd never know she can't seenone. Her eyes is big an' soft an' deep, an nothin' queer about 'emexcept they has a half-blurred, baby look. Peets allows it's the nervebein' dead which does it. But blind or not, little Joolie shore doteson that Red Mike husband of hers, as though he's made of love an'gold. Which he's her heaven!

"While it's evident, after a ca'm an' onbiased consideration ofhis works, that from standp'ints of art this yere Mike's aboutsign-painter size, little Joolie regyards him as the top-sawyergenius of this or any other age. 

"'He'll revolutionize the world of art, ' she declar's to Nell, who'smighty constant about goin' to see her; 'Ivan'--she pronounces it'Vahn'--'is ondoubted destined to become the founder of a nooschool. '

"'An' her face, ' goes on Nellie, as she tells us about it over to theO. K. Restauraw one evenin', after Mike an' his little Joolie wife'sdone pulled their freight for the night--'an' her face glows with thefaith of a angel! So if any of you-all boys finds occasion to speak ofthis yere Mike in her presence, you be shore an' sw'ar that, as anartist, he's got nacher backed plumb off the lay-out. '

"'The wretch who fails, ' adds Missis Rucker, plenty fierce, 'don'twrastle his hash with me no more! You can gamble that marplot hastackled his final plateful of slapjacks at the O. K. House, an' thisyere's notice to that effect. '

"It's a cinch, of course, that none of us is that obtoose as to gosayin' anything to pain this yere blind little Joolie; at the sametime no one regyards it as feas'ble to resent them threats of MissisRucker! She's a mighty sperited matron, Missis Rucker is, sperited tothe verge of bein' vindictive, an' rubbin' her fur the wrong way isthe same as rubbin' a bobcat's fur the wrong way. As a exercise thar'snothin' in it. Besides, we're plumb used to it, owin' to herthreatenin' us about one thing or another constant. Menaces, thata-way, is Missis Rucker's style. 

"Mike an' his Joolie wife don't live at the O. K. House, but only getstheir chuck thar. He allows that to do jestice to his art he's got tohave what he calls a 'no'th light, ' an' so he goes meanderin' out onthe no'th side of town, an' jumps a empty shack. 

"Driv by a lack of money, mighty likely, Mike ain't in camp a weekbefore he makes it plenty plain that, onless he's headed off orkilled, he's goin' to paint Enright a whole lot. As a preelim'nary heloores a passel of us over to his wickeyup to show us samples. 

"'That's my chef dever, ' he says, bringin' for'ard a smudgy lookin'canvas, plastered all over with reds an' browns. 

"We-all takes a slant at it, maintainin' ourselves meanwhile as graveas a passel of owls. An' at that the most hawk-eyed in the outfitcan't make it look like nothin'. We-all hangs back in the straps, an'waits for Peets to take the lead. For thar is the pretty little blindJoolie wife, all y'ears an' lovin' int'rest, an' after what Nell an'Missis Rucker has done said the gent who lacerates her feelin's islost. In sech a pinch Peets is our guidin' light. 

"'Massive!' says Peets, after a pause. 

"'Which she's shore a heap massive!' we murmurs, followin' Peets'smoke. 

"'An' sech atmosphere!' Peets goes on. 

"'Atmosphere to give away!' we echoes. 

"At these yere encomiyums the pore pleased face of little Joolie isbeamin' like the sun. As for Mike, he assoomes a easy attitoode, sameas though compliments means nothin' to him. 

"'What's the subject?' Peets asks. 

"'That, my friend, is the _Linden in October_, ' returns Mike, asthough he's showin' us a picture of heaven's front gate. 'Yes, the_Linden in October_. '

"'Which if this yere Pole, ' whispers Texas to Cherokee, 'is able tomake anything out of that smear, he can shore see more things withoutthe aid of licker than any sport that ever spreads his blankets inCochise County. '

"Texas is a heap careful not to let either Mike or the little Jooliegirl ketch on to what he says. 

"Also, it's worth recallin' that Mike an' the little Joolie is theonly wedded pa'r, of which the Southwest preeserved a record, thatdon't bring bilious recollections to Texas of his former Laredo wife. 

[Illustration: "WHAT'S THE SUBJECT?" PEETS ASKS. "THAT, MY FRIEND, IS THE'LINDEN IN OCTOBER, '" RETURNS MIKE, AS THOUGH HE'S A SHOWIN' US A PICTUREOF HEAVEN'S FRONT GATE. P. 238. ]

"'Not but what thar's a wrong thar, Doc, ' he insists, the time Peetsmentions it; 'not but what this yere Red Mike-Joolie sityooationharbors a wrong. Only it's onavailable to 'llustrate the illyoosage Isuffers at the hands of my Laredo wife. '

"After the _Linden_ Mike totes out mebby it's a dozen other smearysquar's of canvas. We goes over 'em one by one, cockin' our eyes an'turnin' our heads first one way an' then another, like a bloo jaypeerin' into a knothole. When Peets lets drive something about 'skyeffects, ' an' 'fore-grounds, ' an' 'middle-distance, ' we stacks in allsim'lar. Thar's nothin' to it; Mike an' the little Joolie girl puts ina mighty pleasant hour. 

"Mike, feelin' hospit'ble, an' replyin' to a thirsty look which JackMoore sort o' sheds about the room, reegrets he ain't got no whiskey. 

"'My little Joolie objectin', ' he explains. 

"'Oh, well, ' speaks up Peets, who's plumb eager to bring them artstudies to a wind-up, 'when thar's famine in Canaan thar's corn inEgypt. S'ppose we-all goes romancin' over to the Red Light an' lickerup. Thar's nothin' like nosepaint, took internal, for bringin' out apicture's convincin' p'ints. '

"'Right you be, Doc, ' says Moore. 'It's only last week, when I myse'fcuts the trail of Monte, who, as the froote of merely the seventhdrink, is sheddin' scaldin' tears over a three-sheet poster stuck ontothe corral gate. This yere stampede in color deepicts the death of"Little Eva, " as preesented in the _Uncle Tom_ show ragin' over to theBird Cage Op'ry House. Monte allows it's one of the most movin' thingshe's ever met up with, an' protests between sobs ag'inst takin' outthe stage that day for its reg'lar trip. "Which it's a hour formournin', " he groans; an' he's shore shocked when the company insists. As he throws free the brake he shakes the tears from his eyes, an'says, "These yere corp'rations ain't got no heart!"'

"If thar's ever any chance of Enright bein' that weak the sight ofthem smudges an' smears settles it, an' while we stands shovin' theOld Jordan along the Red Light bar, he allows to Mike that on thewhole he don't reckon he'll have himse'f painted none. Rememberin', however, that it's a ground-hawg case with Mike, who needs the money, Enright gives him a commission to paint Monte. 

"'Him bein' a histor'cal character, that a-way, ' says Enright. 

"Monte is over in Tucson, but you should have heard that drunkard'slanguage when he's told. 

"'Whatever be you-all tryin' to do to me, Sam?' he wails. 'Ain't aworkin' man got no rights? Yere be I, the only gent in camp who hasactchooal dooties to perform, an' a plot is set afoot behind my backto make me infamous!'

"'It's to go over the Red Light bar, ' explains Enright, 'to be ahorr'ble example for folks with a tendency to over-drink. As for youyellin' like a pig onder a gate, who is it, I asks, that beguiles thisindigent artist party into camp, an' leaves him on our hands? Bein'he's yere, I takes it that even your whiskey-drowned intell'genceree'lizes that this yere Mike, an' speshully the little blind Joolie, has got to be fed. '

"'Well, gents, ' returns Monte, gulpin' down his grief with hisnosepaint, 'I reckons if it's your little game to use me as ahealthful moral inflooence, I'd lose out to go puttin' up a roar. Allthe same, as sufferer in chief, I'm entitled to be more consulted byyou uplifters before ever you arranges to perpetchooate me toposter'ty as a common jeer. '

"Shore; these yere protests of Monte's ain't more'n half on the level. After a fashion, he's plenty pleased. 

"'For, ' he says, confidin' in Black Jack over his licker, 'it ain'tevery longhorn of a stage driver whose picture is took by one of theseyere gifted Yooropeans. '

"Black Jack agrees to this in full, for he's a good-hearted barkeep, that a-way. 

"In doo time the picture's hung up back of the Red Light bar. Regyarded as a portrait it's shore some desp'rate, an' even Enrightsort o' half reepents. Monte, after studyin' it a while, begins to getsore in earnest. Them scales, like the scriptoors say, certainly dofall from his eyes. 

"'Jack, ' he says, appealin' to Moore, who happens to be present, 'doesthat thing look like me?'

"'Why, yes, ' Jack replies, squintin' his left eye a heap critical; 'tobe shore it flatters you some, but then them artists gen'rally does. '

"'Jack, if I'm that feeble as to go believin' what you says, I'd borrya shotgun from the express company and blow off the top of my head. That ain't the portrait of no hooman bein"--an' Monte raises adispa'rin' hand at the picture; 'it's a croode preesentation of someonnacheral cross between a coyote and a cowskin trunk. '

"Cherokee gets up from behind his lay-out, an' strolls over so's toget a line on the picture. He takes a long an' disparagin' survey. 

"'It ain't that I'm incitin' you to voylence, Monte, ' he remarksfinal, 'but if you owes a dooty to s'ciety, don't forget that you owesalso a dooty to yourse'f. You'll be lackin' in se'f-respect if youdon't give Sam Enright two weeks to take that outrage down, an' if itain't removed by then you'll bust it. '

"Black Jack is ag'in the picture, too. 

"'Not, ' he says, 'that I wants to put the smother on it entire; only Ifigger it'd look better in the post office, folks not makin' it somuch of a hangout. Regyarded commercial, it's a setback to the RedLight. Some gent comes trackin' up intent on drinks, an' feelin' gala. After one glance at Monte up thar it's all off. That reveller'schanged his mind, an' staggers out into the open ag'in without a word. The joint is daily knocked for about the price of a stack of bloos, asthe direct result of that work of art. Which I'd as soon have a gilamonster in the winder. '

"Mike ain't present none when all this yere flattery is flyin'. If hewas thar in person nothin' would have been said. Whoever'd be thathardened as to go harrowin' up the sens'tive soul of a artist, even ifhis work don't grade as corn-fed?

"Some later tribyoote to his talents, however, reaches the y'ears ofMike. On the back of Black Jack's protests the Lightnin' Bug, who'scome over from Red Dog for a little visit, drifts in. When he seesMonte's portrait his eyes lights up like a honka-tonk on Saturdaynight. 

"'Rattlesnakes an' stingin' lizards!' he cries; 'which I'm a Mexicanif you-all ain't gone an' got him painted! However do you-all manage?I remembers when we captures him it's the last spring round-up butone. Two weeks goes by before ever we gets him so he'll w'ar clothes!An' even then we-all has to blindfold him an' back him in!'

"'Whoever do you reckon that is, Bug?' asks Black Jack. 

"'It's that locoed Digger Injun, ain't it?' says the Bug; 'him wecorrals, that time, livin' on ants an' crickets, an' roots an' yarbs, over in Potato canyon?'

"'It's Monte. '

"'Monte! Does anybody get killed about it?'

"Black Jack mentions Mike as the artist. 

"'What, that Dutch galoot with the long ha'r?' says the Bug. 

"'Which he's a Pole. '

"'Pole or Dutchman, what's the odds? I sees a party back in Looeyvillewhose ha'r's most as long as his. We entices him to a barber shop on abet to have it cut, an' I'm ag'in the union if four flyin' squirrelsdon't come scootin' out. They've been nestin' in it. '

"The Bug swings lightly into the saddle after a while, an' goesclatterin' back to Red Dog. No notice would have been took of what hesays, only Monte, who hears it from Black Jack, is that malev'lent hegoes an' tells Mike. 

"'You-all will make trouble between 'em, Monte, ' Nell reemonstrates, when Monte's braggin' in his besotted way about what he's done. 

"'That's all right, Nellie. Both of 'em's been insultin' me; Mike bypaintin' me so I'm a holy show, an' the Bug by lettin' on to take mefor a Digger buck. S'ppose the Bug downs Mike, or Mike does up theBug? Either way it's oats in your uncle Monte's feed box. That's me, Nellie; that's your old uncle Monte every time! Which, when it comesto cold intrigue, that a-way, I'm the swiftest sport in our set. '

"On hearin' about the Bug from Monte Mike gets plenty intemp'rate. Hegoes plumb in the air, an' stays thar. He gives it out that he's goin'to prance over to Red Dog an' lay for the Bug. Nothin' but blood isgoin' to do him. 

"Thar's nothin' we can say or do to stop Mike, so after talkin' itover a spell we deecides to throw him loose, Enright first sendin'word that he's harmless, an' not to be bumped off. 

"Upon receivin' Enright's word the Red Dog chief passes on a warnin'to the Bug. Mike mustn't, onder no circumstances, be killed. Bein'he's a artist he's not reespons'ble. 

"'Me kill him!' cries the Bug, who's scandalized at the idee; 'me takea gun to sech a insect! Gents, I've too much reespect for them goodold faithful . 45's of mine to play it as low down on 'em as allthat. '

"Which there leeniencies I allers feels is on account of the littleJoolie, an' the blind love she entertains for Mike. When the worstdoes come we carefully conceals from her the troo details, an' insiststhat the powder house goes off by itse'f. 

"Then Nell, with Tucson Jennie and Missis Rucker to back her, carriesthe little Joolie girl the news. It's shore tough papers; an' MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie is kept racin' an' runnin' an' riotin'between the O. K. House an' Mike's wickeyup, freightin' over camphoran' sim'lar reestor'tives to the little Joolie all night long, whileNellie holds her head. 

"Does Mike's kickin' the bucket leave the little Joolie broke? It'sthis a-way: You see we-all chips in, an' makes up a fa'rly moderatepile to buy the _Linden in October_. 

"'It's to remember your gifted husband by, ' explains Enright, as himan' Peets an' Boggs goes over to clink down the gold, an' get the_Linden_. 'This yere transcendent spec'men shall never leave ourhands. '

"'Not while we live!' declar's Peets. 

"'It's a marv'lous picture!' returns the little Joolie girl, proud andtearful both at once. 

"'Marv'lous!' repeats Peets; 'it's got the _Angelus_ beat four waysfrom the Jack. '

"'Which I should remark!' puts in Boggs. 'Why, Doc, this yere _Linden_of ours shore makes that _Angelus_ thing look like an old beerstamp. '

"These yere outpourin's of onreestricted admiration shore does set thelittle Joolie to smilin' through her tears. Also, the bankroll theybrings her sends her back to her folks in style. 

"So you don't regyard it as the proper caper to go deceivin' thelittle Joolie girl? That's preecisely the p'sition a Bible sharp overin Tucson takes, when some party's mentionin' the business. 

"'You go tell that doubtin' Thomas of a sky-pilot, ' says Peets, onhearin' about it, 'that he can bet a ton of Watts' hymn books on it. You-all say, too, for his pulpit guidance, that what looks likedeceit, that a-way, is often simple del'cacy, while Christian charityfreequent w'ars the face of fraud. '

"But I'm gettin' ahead of the wagons. Mike, who's a heap heated, goeslookin' for the Bug in the Tub of Blood S'loon. The Bug don't happento be vis'ble no whar in the scen'ry when Mike comes clatterin' in. Byway of a enterin' wedge Mike subscribes for a drink. As the Tubbarkeep goes settin' out the glasses Mike, with his custom'ry giftsfor gettin' himse'f in wrong, starts fomentin' trouble. An' at thatit's simply his ignorance, an' a conceited deesire to show off amongthem Red Dogs. 

"As the Tub barkeep slams down the crockery Mike barks up sort o'sharp an' peevish:

"'The ice! Ain't you people got no ice?'

"The Tub barkeep takes a sour squinch-owl look at Mike. Then he goessoftly swabbin' off the counter. 

"After a while he looks up an' says:

"'Which you don't notice no swirlin' drifts of snow outside, do you?You ain't been swallowed up in no blizzard, be you, comin' into town?No, my stilted, stiff-laigged sheep of the mountain, we ain't got noice. '

"Mike, feelin' some buffaloed by the barkeep's manner, don't say nomore. In silence he drinks his licker, an' then sets down at a table. 

"The barkeep, with the tail of his eye, continyoos to look him over. 

"'Whatever do you make of that crazy maverick, ' he asks of afreighter, who's jest rolled in from Lordsburg. 'The idee of himaskin' for ice in August!'

"'Mebby he's the ha'r-brained party they sends word about fromWolfville, ' the freighter replies--'him who's out to crawl the Bug'shump a whole lot?'

"'That's the identical persimmon!' exclaims the barkeep, slammin' hishand on the counter. 'Which I ought to have knowed it without bein'told. I wonder if Peets, or some of them other Wolfville sports, putshim up to come bully-raggin' round yere about ice to insult us?'

"The freighter allows he'll edge into a pow-wow with Mike, an' feelhim out. 

"Planted at the same table, the freighter an' Mike is soon as thick asthieves. They're gettin' along like two pups in a basket, when incomes a disturbin' element in the shape of one of them half-hosshalf-alligator felons, whose distinguishin' characteristic is thatthey're allers grouchy an' hostile. That's the drawback to Red Dog. Itcertainly is the home camp of some of the most ornery reptiles, thata-way!

"The grouchy sorehead party, from the jump, gets dissatisfied aboutMike's ha'r, which he w'ars a foot long same as all artists. Which agent can't be no painter onless he's got ha'r like a cow pony. Thesorehead party marches up an' down by the table whar Mike an' thefreighter is swappin' lies, schemin' as to how he's goin' to make awarlike hook-up with Mike. After a spell he thinks he sees his waythrough, an' rounds to an' growls. 

"'What's that? Does one of your onparalleled tarrapins say somethingdeerog'tory about George Washin'ton?'

"Both the freighter an' Mike looks up some amazed, but pleads notguilty. They ain't, they says, even thinkin' of Washin'ton. 

"'Which I begs your parding, ' returns Sorehead, snortin' mightyhaughty an' elab'rate; 'I fancies I hears some one make someonbecomin' remark about Washin'ton. Mighty likely it's that licker Idrinkt last night. '

"Two minutes later he halts ag'in. 

"'It ain't possible I'm mistook this time. An' at that I don'tprecisely ketch what you offensive ground-owls is observin' aboutThomas Jefferson?'

"Mike an' the Lordsburg freighter insists vehement that thar's been noalloosion to Jefferson, none whatever. 

"'Parding!' Sorehead snorts; 'ag'in I asks parding! As former, I findsI'm barkin' at a bunch of leaves. My y'ear deeceives me into thinkin'that you two fool ground-owls is indulgin' in reecrim'nations ag'instThomas Jefferson. '

"It's the third time, an' Sorehead's back, neck bowed an' fingersworkin'. 

"'Now thar's no error! Which one of you cheap prairie dogs makes thatlow-flung statement about old Andy Jackson? Let him speak up, an' I'llgive him a hundred dollars before devourin' his heart. '

"'No one mentions Jackson, ' says Mike, who's becomin' frightened an'fretted; 'whatever's the idee of any one talkin' about Jackson, anyhow?'

"'Oh, ho! Perhaps, my bold galoot, you think old Andy ain't worthtalkin' about!'

"Sayin' which, that sorehead malcontent reaches for Mike, an' the twogo sailin' 'round the room permiscus. Sorehead picks Mike up, an'sweeps a cord or two of glasswar' off the bar with him. Then heemploys him in bringin' down a picture from the wall. After which henacherally tosses him hither an' yon in the most irrel'vant way. 

"Sorehead has jest reached up with Mike, an' smashed a chandeliercarryin' fourteen coal-oil lamps, when in t'ars the Lightnin' Bug, white an' frothin'. The Bug don't waste no time lookin' for holds, butcasyooally, yet no less s'fficiently, snags onto Sorehead. Fixin' histen claws in him, the Bug fo'thwith embarks upon sech feats in theway of ground an' lofty tumblin' with that gladiator, as to make whathappens to Mike seem pooerile. 

"'Don't you-all know, ' shouts the Bug, as, havin' done broke a cha'rwith Sorehead, he proceeds to deevote what's left of him to smashin' atable--'don't you-all know, you abandoned profligate, that this yereartist you've been maltreatin' is a pers'nal friend of mine, yerepresent in Red Dog to confab with me on important affairs? An' is itfor a houseless sot like you to take to minglin' with him malignant?Yereafter don't you-all so much as presoome to breathe without firstgettin' my permission so to do in writin'!'

"As closin' the incident the Bug sends Sorehead hurtlin' through awindow, sash an' all. After which he dusts off his hands an' says:

"'Gents, let's licker. '

"The barkeep's that gratified he declar's the drinks is on the Tub. 

"'Also, the glass an' sash, Bug, ' he adds. 

"Bein' refreshed, the Bug tenderly collects Mike, who's in a frayedan' fragmentary condition, an' gently freights him over to us on abuckboard. It's a week before Peets allows he's ag'in ready for theshow ring, an' he uses up enough co't plaster on him to kyarpet theRed Light. Little Joolie? We let's on to her that Mike meets up with ashe grizzly an' her cubs, an' while he cleans up that fam'ly henacherally gets chewed. 

"'Mike's shorely some abrated, ma'am, ' explains Peets; 'but he'smendin' fast. When I first lays eyes on him, after he encounters thatbevy of b'ars, it's a question if his skin'll hold his principles. Butdon't take on, Ma'am; now I've got him headed right he'll be as goodas new in a week. Don't forget, too, that he shore does land that bandof grizzlies in the scrap-heap. '

"Mike emerges from the hands of Peets filled with a pecooliar furrin'form of wrath, an' talkin' about his honor. It's Sorehead he's afternow. As a noble Pole, he says, he has been most contoomeliously used, an' insists upon a dooel. Not with the Bug, who's withdrew themorig'nal jedgments concernin' old Monte's portrait, an' substitootedtharfor the view that said picture's bound to become the artisticpride an' joy of Arizona. Mike wants to fight the onreegen'rateSorehead. 

"In the flush of their new friendship Mike asks the Bug to heel an'handle him. Also, it's warmin' to your better nacher to note theenthoosiasm wharwith the Bug takes up his dooties. 

"'It'll be six-shooters at ten paces, ' he explains to Mike; 'an' ifyou only shoots like you paints, we'll send that tramp whar the wickedcease from troublin' an' the weary are at rest. '

"The Red Dog chief gives his word to Enright that Mike ain't in nodanger. 

"'Comin' down to cases, ' says the Red Dog chief; 'it's even money thatthis yere Sorehead crawfishes. If he don't we've got it all set up tohand him the Bug, instead of that Red Mike artist of yours. So you seethar's lit'rally nothin' for you-all wolves to worry over at all. '

"'We-all wolves ain't in the habit of worryin' to any astoundin'extent, ' returns Enright, some rigid; 'none the less, I allows I'lltake a look through the sights myse'f, merely by way of makin' shorewhich way the gun is p'inted. Thar's reasons, one of 'em a lovin'little blind girl, why we're not so plumb partic'lar about havin' thisyere alleged artist party put over the jump. '

"The fight's a week away, an' by advice of the Bug, Mike decides toput a polish on his shootin'. This yere's reckoned a bright idee, themore since as near as we-all can jedge Mike never does pull a triggeronce since when his mother rocks his cradle an' warms his milk. 

"'Only, ' warns Enright, as Mike goes makin' prep'rations, 'don'tyou-all go aimin' towards town none. We don't want no neeophytesbombardin' the village, which y'ar in an' y'ar out sees bullets enoughin the nacheral onfoldment of eevents. '

"Mike, not havin' no gun, borrys a . 45 of Moore. Thus equipped, hesecoores some cartridges at the Noo York store, an' la'nches forth. Noone goes with him, since he allows he'll shoot better if he's byhimse'f. 

"Thar's a powder house, belongin' to the Copper Queen Mine, about amile outside of town. It stands off by itse'f an' nothin' near it, noone honin' much to live neighbor to a ton or two of powder. It's aboutfifth drink time the mornin' Mike seelects for his practice shootin'when, like a bolt from the bloo, that Copper Queen powder house goesup with a most emphatic whang! What Peets calls the 'concussion'breaks windows in the Wells-Fargo office, an' shakes up the Red Lightto that extent it brings down Monte's picture an' busts it to fortyflinders on the bottles. 

"'Which for a moment, ' says Black Jack, commentin' on the gen'ral messit makes, 'I thinks it's one of Colonel Sterett's _Coyote_ editorialson the licker question. '

"That powder blow-up marks the onforchoonate last of Mike. Since henever does show up no more, an' a Mexican tendin' goats in thevicin'ty informs us he sees him pinnin' a target on the r'ar elevationof the powder house jest prior to the explosion, it's the commonfeelin' that the blow-up's caused by one of Mike's bullets, an' thatMike an' the powder reepos'tory takes flight simooltaneous. Only, asalready set fo'th, Peets claims that Mike knows what's comin'. MebbyPeets is right, an' mebby Mike that a-way commits sooicide. Whicheverit is, sooicide or accident, it's a mighty complete success; for theonly trace we're able to find of either Mike or the powder house is amost elab'rate hole in the ground. 

"'The same bein', as I holds, a most excellent feachure, ' says Boggs, who loathes foonerals. 'This yere powder house way of cashin' in meetswith my approval. It shore don't leave no reemains!'"

X

HOW TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON

"Which they starts the yarn in Red Dog that the shootin' that timebetween Tutt an' Texas is born of sectional feelin', an' becauseTexas is a southern gent, while Tutt comes from the No'th. Sechexplainations is absurd--as Doc Peets well says. Also, I'm yere to goone word further an' state that, while it's like them Red Dogs, idlean' mendacious as they freequent be, to go fosterin' sech fictions, thar ain't a syllable of trooth tharin from soda to hock. Theflareup has its start in them two children, Annalinda Thompson an'little Enright Peets, an' what sentiments of rivalry nacherallyseizes on Tutt an' Texas as parent an' uncle reespective. "

"Still there must have been some degree of sectional feeling amongyou, " I said, more by way of stirring my old cattleman up than anynobler purpose; "coming some of you from the South, and others fromthe North, it would have been strange indeed had it been otherwise. "

"Which it's shore strange, then. Them Wolfville pards of mine is onean' all United States men. They ain't Southern men, nor No'thern men, nor Eastern men, nor even Western men. Likewise, the improodent sportwho'd go trackin' 'round, ondertaikin' to designate 'em as sech, wouldget toomultuous action, plenty soon and plenty of it. 

"Why, take Texas himse'f: Thar's a fly-by-night party pesterin' 'roundcamp for a space, who lets on he's from the same neck of woods asTexas. This yere annoyin' fraud is a heap proud of it, too, an' makesa speshulty of bein' caught a lot in Texas' company. He figgers itgives him a standin'. 

"One mornin', when only a few of us is pervadin' 'round, he plantshimse'f plumb comfortable an' important in a Red Light cha'r, an'followin' the 'nitial drink for the day goes to talkin' with Texas. 

"As he sets thar, all fav'rable an' free, thar comes trackin' in aaged Eastern gent, who's been negotiatin' with Armstrong aboutbusiness concernin' the Noo York store. The aged Eastern shorthorngoes rockin' up to the counter, an' p'litely lets on to Black Jackthat he'll licker. As he does so this yere firegilt party who boastshe's of the same range an' breed as Texas speaks up, sharp an' coarse, like the bark of a dog:

"'Yere, you! I wants a word or two with you-all!'

"With that for a start he onfurls what he preetends is his grievances, the same bein' because of somethin' the aged Eastern sport does ordon't do comin' over on Monte's stage--which they're fellow passengersthat time, it seems--an' next he cuts loose, an' goes to vitooperatin'an' reecrim'natin', an' pilin' insult on epithet, that a-way, to beatfour of a kind. Which he certainly does give that aged Eastern persona layin' out! Shore; he's jest showin' off at that, an' tryin' toimpress Texas. 

"At the beginnin' the aged Eastern gent stands like he's dazed, onableto collect himse'f. However, he gets his mental feet onder him, an'allowin' he won't stay none to listen to sech tirades, tucks away hisnosepaint an' pulls out. 

"After he's gone the vitooperative party wheels so's to face Texas, an' says--mighty pleasant an' agree'ble, like the object of themeetin's been most happ'ly accomplished:

"'Thar, that shows you. '

"'Whatever does it show?' Texas asks, some grim. 

"'Which it shows the difference between a No'thern gent an' a Southerngent. To be shore, that old cimmaron ain't half my size an' is twictmy age, but all the same, Texas, if he's from the South, you bet, likeyou an' me, he'd tore into me, win or lose, if he'd got killed!'

"'You think so?' says Texas, his eyes becomin' as hard an' glitterin'as a snake's. 'Now let me tell you something, my lionhearted friend. Thar's brave men South, an' brave men No'th. Also, thar's quitters;quitters at both ends of that No'thern-Southern trail who'll go intothe water like a mink. Accordin' to my experiences, an' I've beendallyin' with hoomanity in the herd for quite some time, thar'snothin' in that geographical bluff of yours at all. Moreover, Ireckons that before I'm through, seein' now you've got me goin', I'llprove it. For a starter, then, takin' your say-so for it, you're aSouthern man?'

"'Which that's shore c'rrect, ' the other responds, but feeble; 'youan' me, as I says former, is both Southern men. '

"'_Bueno!_ Now as calk'lated to demonstrate how plumb onfounded isthem theeries of yours'--yere Texas gets up, an' kicks his cha'r backso he's got room--'I has pleasure in informin' you that you're aonmitigated hoss-thief;--an' you don't dare stand up. Yes, sir; you'reonfit to drink with a nigger or eat with a dog;--an' you'll set tharan' take it. '

"Which that aboosive party, pale as paper, certainly does 'set tharan' take it' preecisely as Texas prophecies; an' after glowerin' athim, red-eyed an' f'rocious for a moment, Texas sticks his paws in hisjeans, an' sa'nters off. 

"It's jest as well. Why, if that humbug so much as curls a lip orcrooks a finger, after Texas takes to enunciatin' them prop'sitions inphilosophy, Texas'd have tacked him to the table with his bowie an'left him kickin', same as them goggled-eyed professors who callsthemselves nacheralists does some buzzin' fly with a pin. 

"'Which, if thar's anything, ' Texas explains to Enright, 'that makesme tired partic'lar, it's them cracks about No'th an' South. If I wasrange boss for these yere United States I'd shore have themdeescriptives legislated into a cap'tal offence. '

"'Sech observations as that narrow tarrapin onbosoms, ' commentsEnright, 'only goes to show how shallow he is. Comin' down to theturn, even that old Eastern shorthorn's walkin' away from him don'tnecessar'ly mean a lack of sand. Folks does a heap of runnin' in thisvale of tears, but upon various an' varyin' argyooments. A gent runsfrom a polecat, an' he runs from a b'ar; but the reason ain't thesame. '

"Thar's no sectionalisms in Tutt's differences with Texas, nonewhatever. Also, while it finds, as I holds, its roots in Annalinda an'little Enright Peets, it don't arise from nothin' which them babiesdoes to one another. Two pups in the same basket, two birds on thesame bough, couldn't have got along more harmon'ous. The moment Nellbrings little Enright Peets over to see Annalinda them children fallstogether like a shock of oats, an' at what times they're onhobbled offam'ly reestrictions an' footloose so to do, you'd see 'em playin''round from sun-up till dark, same as a pa'r of angels. 

"Troo, Annalinda does domineer over little Enright Peets, an' makeshim fetch an' carry an' wait on her; an' thar's times, too, when sheshore beats him up with a stick or quirt some lib'ral. But what elsewould you expect? I even encounters little Enright Peets, down onall-fours, an' Annalinda ridin' him like he's a hoss. Likewise, she'skickin' his ribs a heap, to make him go faster. But that's nothin';them two babies is only playin'. 

"Not that I'm none so shore it ain't this yere last identicalspectacle which gives Nell the notion of them two children marryin' atsome footure day. That, however, is merest surmise, an' in a manneronimportant. What I'd like to get proned into you-all is that Texasan' Tutt lockin' horns like they does has its single cause in themlatent jealousies an' struggles for social preecedence, which is boundto occur between a only father an' a only uncle wharever found. Whichthe single safegyard lies in sech a multitoode of fathers an' unclesas renders 'em common. To possess but one of each makes 'em puffed upan' pride-blown, an' engenders a mootual uppishness which before allis over is shore to man'fest itse'f in war. 

"Thar's one boast we-all is able to make, however. That clash betweenTutt an' Texas is the only shore-enough trouble which ever breaks outamong the boys. You onderstands, of course, that when I says 'boys'that a-way, I alloodes to Enright an' Peets an' them others whoconstitootes Wolfville's social an' commercial backbone. Thar's otherembroglios more or less smoky an' permiscus, which gets pulled off oneway an' another, but they ain't held to apply to us of rights. Forsech alien hookups, so to speak, we reefooses all reespons'bility. Which we regyards them escapades as fortooitous, an' declines 'emutter. Tutt's goin' against Texas is the only war-jig we feels to bereely Wolfville's. "

"You forget, " I said teasingly, "the shooting between Boggs and Tutt, as incident to the Washerwoman's War. "

"Which, that?" There was impatience tinged with acrimony in the tones. "That's nothin' more'n gallantry. It's what's to be looked for wharthar's ladies about, an' is doo to a over-effervescence of sperit, common to the younger males of our species when made gala an' giddy bythe alloorin' flutter of a petticoat. Boggs an' Tutt don't honestlymean them bullets none. Also, if you-all is goin' to keep on with yourimbecile interruptions, I'll quit. "

Abject apologies on my part, supported by equally abject promises ofreform. 

The old gentleman, thus mollified, resumed:

"Goin' back to this yere Tutt-Texas collision, thar's no denyin', an'be fa'r about it, but what Tutt has grounds. For goin' on five yearshe's been looked up to as the only father in camp, an' for Texas toappear at what you-all might call the 'leventh hour an' go crowdin'disdainfully into the picture on nothin' more'n bein' a uncle, ispreepost'rous. To prance 'round on sech a meager showin', puttin' onthe dog he does, an' all in a somber, overbearin' way like he'spackin' the world on his shoulders an' we-all's got to be a heapcareful not to do nothin' to him to make him drop it, is inexcoosableto the verge of outrage. No rel'tive in the third or fo'th degree isjestified to assoome sech sooperiorities; an' Enright tells Texas soafter Peets digs the lead out of the thick of his laig. 

"Which we gets orig'nal notice about Annalinda, when a passel of us, as is our custom followin' first drink time in the evenin', driftsinto the post office. Some gets letters, some don't; an' Texas, who, as a roole, don't have no voloominous correspondence, is sayin' thathe has the same feelin' about letters he has about trant'lers, asbein' a heap more likely to sting you than anything else, when thepostmaster shoves him out one. 

"It's from Laredo, an' when Texas gets a glimpse at the mark on it helets it fall onopened to the floor. 

"'It's my former wife!' he says, with a shudder. 'Yere she is, startin' in to get the upper hand of me ag'in. '

"'Nonsense!' says Peets, pickin' up the letter, 'it's from somelawyers. Can't you see their names yere up in the corner?'

"'That don't mean nothin', ' Texas whispers--he's shore a heap shook;'it'd be about her speed, as she goes plottin' afresh to ondermine mein my present peace, to rope up a law-wolf to show her how. '

"Bein' urged by Peets, an' the balance of us asshorin' him we'll standpat in his destinies come what may an' defend him to the bitterfinish, Texas manages to open the envelope. As he stands thar readin'the scare in his face begins to fade in favor of a look of gloom. 

"'Gents, ' he says, at last, 'it's my brother Ed. He's cashed in. ' Weexpresses the reg'lation reegrets, an' Texas continyoos: 'Ed leaves mehis baby girl, Annalinda--she's my niece. ' After a pause he adds:'This yere shore requires consideration. '

"'These law sharps, ' explains Texas, when we're organized all sociablein the Red Light, an' Black Jack's come through on right an' reg'larlines, 'allows it's Ed's dyin' reequest that I take an' ride paternalherd on this infant child. '

"'But how about its mother?' urges Enright. 

"'Which it ain't got none. Its mother dies two years ago. Now Ed'spacked in, that baby's been whipsawed; it's a full-fledged orphan, goin' an' comin'. '

"'Ain't thar no rel'tives on the mother's side?' asks Nell, from overback of Cherokee's lay out. 

"'Meanest folks, Nellie, ' says Texas, 'bar none, between the Coloradoan' the Mississippi. You see they're kin to my Laredo wife, me an' Edboth marryin' into the same tribe. Which it shows the Thompsonintell'gence. Thar ain't a Thompson yet who don't need a guardeenconstant. '

"After no end of discussion that a-way it's onderstood to be thegen'ral notion that Texas ought to bring Ed's orphan baby toWolfville. 

"'But s'ppose, ' says Texas, 'that in spite of Ed wantin' me to cast myprotectin' pinions over this yere infant, its mother's outfit, thinkin' mebby to shake me down for some _dinero_, objects?'

"'In which case, ' says Boggs, who's plumb interested, 'you sends forme, Texas, an' we mavericks it. You ain't goin' to let no sech callousan' onfeelin' gang as your wife's folks go 'round dictatin' about Ed'sAnnalinda child, be you, an' givin' you a stand-off? Which you'reonly tryin' to execoote Ed's dying behests. '

"It's settled final that Texas, ag'inst whatever opp'sition, has gotto bring on Annalinda to us. That disposed of, it next comesnacherally up as a question how, when we gets Annalinda safe toWolfville, she's goin' to be took care of. 

"'Which the O. K. Restauraw won't do, ' Texas says, lookin' anxious outof the tail of his eye at Enright an' Peets. 'Mind, I ain't hintin'nothin' ag'inst Missis Rucker, who hasn't got her Southwest equal atflapjacks, but I submits that for a plastic child that a-way, at atime when it receives impressions easy, to daily witness the way shemaltreats Rucker, is to go givin' that infant wrong idees of what'scoming to husbands as a whole. I'm a hard man, gents; but I don't aimto bring up this yere Annalinda baby so that one day she's encouragedto go handin' out the racket to some onforchoonate sport, which myLaredo wife hands me. '

"'Thar's reasons other than Missis Rucker, ' Enright is quick toobserve, 'why the O. K. House ain't the fittest place for infancy, an' any discussion of our esteemable hostess in them maritalattitoodes of hers is sooperfluous. S'ppose we lets it go, withoutelab'ration, that the O. K. House, from nursery standp'ints, won'tdo. '

"Cherokee thinks that mighty likely a good way'd be to have Annalindalive with Tutt an' Tucson Jennie. 

"Peets shakes his sagacious head. 

"'Dave'll onderstand my p'sition to be purely scientific, ' he says, glancin' across at Tutt, 'when I states that sech a move'd be a error. Tucson Jennie, as wife an' mother, is as fine as silk. But she's alsoa female woman, an' owns a papoose of her own. Thar's inborn reasonswhy woman, as sech, while sympathetic an' gen'rally speakin' plumblovely, is oncapable onder certain circumstances of a squar' deal. Inthis yere business of babies, for example, thar's existed throughoutthe ages a onbridgable gulf in her eyes between her offspring an'other folks' offspring; an' while disclaiming all disloyalty to TucsonJennie, I'm obleeged to say that as between Annalinda an' littleEnright Peets, she wouldn't be cap'ble of a even break. Do Ioverstate the trooth, Dave?'

"'None whatever, ' Tutt returns. 'What you discovers scientific, Doc, Ilearns more painfully as husband an' father. I fully agrees that whenit comes to other folks' children no female mother can hold theonbiased scales. '

"'Thar's French an' his wife?' chirps Nell, her elbow on the lay-out, an' her little round chin in her fist; 'thar's the Frenches, over tothe corrals? French an' Benson Annie ain't got no children, an' they'dbe pleased to death at havin' Annalinda. '

"'But be they competent?' asks Texas, over whom a feelin' ofse'f-importance is already beginnin' to creep like ivy on a wall. 'Idon't want to be considered a carper, but as I sees it I'd be doin'less'n my dooty as a uncle if I fails to ask, Be them Frenchescompetent?'

"'You'll have to rope up a nurse some'ers, anyhow, Texas, ' Boggs putsin. 'Thar's dozens of them good-nachered fat young senoritas among theMexicans who'll do. The nurse would know her business, even if theFrenches don't. '

"'Two nurses, ' declar's Tutt. 'Bein' a father, I savvys the nursegame from start to finish. You'll need two; one to hold it, an' one tofetch it things. '

"'But about them Frenches?' inquires Jack Moore. 'Ain't we goin' alittle fast? Mebby they themselves has objections. '

"'Which they'd look mighty well, ' observes Cherokee, riflin' the deckan' snappin' it into the box plenty vicious, 'to go 'round objectin'after Nellie yere's done put 'em in nom'nation for this trust. '

"'Not that they'd reeject it haughty, ' explains Moore; 'but, as Texashimse'f says, who's to know, they bein' mighty modest people, thatthey'll regyard themselves as comp'tent? The Frenches ain't had nopractice, an' thar's nothin' easier than a misdeal about a youngone. Thar's a brainless mother saws her baby off on me over in Prescott oneday, while she goes cavortin' into a store to buy a frock, an' you-allcan go put a bet on it I'm raisin' the he'pless long yell inside ofthe first minute. This takin' charge of babies ain't no sech pushoveras it looks. It's certainly no work for amatoors. '

"'Thar's nothin' in them doubts, Jack, ' Boggs chips in confidently. 'Even if them Frenches ain't had no practice, an' the nurses shouldfall down, thar's dozens of us who'll be ever at the elbow of thathousehold; an' if in their ignorance they takes to bunglin' the playwe'll be down on 'em in the cockin' of a winchester to give 'em theproper steer. '

"'I reckon, Nellie, ' says Texas, lookin' wistful across at Nell, 'that if some of the boys yere'll stand your watch as lookout, you'd put in a day layin' in a outfit of duds? You could be doin'it, you know, while I'm down in Laredo, treating with them hostilesfor possession. '

"'Shore, ' an' Nellie smiles at the prospect. 'Which I'll jest gostampedin' over to Tucson for 'em, too. How old is Annalinda?'

"Texas gives Annalinda's age as three. 

"'She'll be four next fall, ' says he; 'I remembers Ed writes me she'sborn durin' the beef round-up. '

"'In that case, ' comments Enright, 'she ought to stand about eighthands high. In clawin' together said raiment, Nellie, that'll give yousome impression of size. '

"'An', Nellie, ' continyoos Texas, 'my idee is you'll want to changein say a thousand dollars?'

"'Why, Texas, you talk like you're locoed. One hundred'll win out allthe clothes she could sp'ile, w'ar or t'ar to pieces in a year. '

"'Shore, ' coincides Tutt; 'take little Enright Peets. One hundred_pesos_ leaves him lookin' like a circus. '

"'But Annalinda, ' objects Texas doubtfully, 'is a She. It costs morefor girls. That Laredo wife of mine'd blow in the price of sixty headof cattle, an' then allow she ain't half dressed. '

"'One hundred'll turn the trick, ' Nell insists. 

"All that night we sets up discussin' an' considerin'. The more wetalks the better we likes that Annalinda idee. 

"At sun-up, b'arin' the best wishes of all, Texas cinches a hull intohis quickest pony, an' hits the trail for Tucson to take the railroadkyars for Laredo. 

"'Which, onless they gives me more of a battle than I anticipates, ' heremarks, as he pushes his feet into the stirrup, 'I'll be back by tendays. '

"'An', Texas, ' says Boggs, detainin' him by the bridle rein, 'you-allbeat it into that baby that I'm her Uncle Dan. It'll give yousomething to do comin' back. '

"'Which, jedgin' from what I goes through that day in Prescott, 'remarks Moore, mighty cynical, 'Texas'll have plenty to do. '

"Texas don't meet up with no partic'lar Laredo opposition, themrelatives appearin' almost eager to give him Annalinda. One of 'emeven goes the insultin' len'th of offerin' to split the expense, butwithdraws his bluff when Texas threatens to brain him with asix-shooter. 

"Boggs, hearin' of this Laredo willin'ness, can't onderstand it nohow. 

"'It's too many for me, ' he says. 'If it's me, now, I'd have clung tothat blessed baby till the cows come home. They must shore bedeeficient in taste, them Laredo yahoos!'

"As exhibitin' how soon bein' moved into cel'bration as a uncle beginsto tell on Texas he ups an' in the fullness of his vanity deecides, even before he arrives at Laredo, ag'inst the scheme which the camp'shalf laid out about the Frenches an' Annalinda, an' arranges to havea 'doby of his own. It's a blow to the Frenches, too, for since wenotifies 'em, they has set their hearts on the racket. 

"But Texas is immov'ble. 

"'Ed's dyin', ' says he, 'an' namin' me to be reespons'ble forAnnalinda, creates a sityooation best met by me havin' a wickeyup ofmy own. I'm sorry to disapp'int, but after matoore reeflection, thata-way, I've conclooded to play a lone hand. '

"While he's away Texas goes projectin' 'round an' cuts out a couple ofold black mammies from a day nursery over in Dallas, an' brings 'emalong. They an' Annalinda rides over from Tucson in the stage; but, bein' more familiar with the saddle, an' because he's better abletharfrom to soopervise an' go dictatin' terms to Monte, he himse'fcomes on his pony. 

"'An', gents, ' whines Monte, as, throwin' down the reins, he heads forthe Red Light bar, 'between us he ain't the same Texas. ThatAnnalinda child has shore changed him turrible. All the way fromTucson, when he ain't crowdin' up to the wheel to give orders to themSenegambians about how to hold or when to feed her, he's menacin' atme. That's why I'm three hours late. At rough places it looks likethar ain't no name mean enough for him to call me; an' once, whenthe front wheel jolts into a chuckhole an' Annalinda sets up asquall, he pulls a gun an' threatens in the most frenzied way to shootme up. "You be more careful, " he roars, "or I'll blow you plumb offyour perch! Childhood, that a-way, is a fragile flower; an' if youfiggers I'll set yere an', in the tender instance of my own pers'nalniece, see some booze-besotted drunkard break that flower short offat the stalk, I'll fool you up a whole lot. " An' do you-all know, 'Monte concloodes, almost with a sob, 'he never does let down thehammer of his . 45 ag'in for most a mile. '

"Annalinda is plumb pretty. The whole camp goes her way like alandslide. Tucson Jennie approves of her--with reeservations, ofcourse, in favor of little Enright Peets; Missis Rucker finds time tosnatch a few moments, between feedin' us an' bossin' Rucker, to go seeher every day; while, as for Nell, she's in an' out of Texas' 'dobymornin', noon an' night to sech extents that half the time Cherokeeain't got no lookout, an' when he has it's Boggs. 

[Illustration: "HIM AN' ANNALINDA SHORE DO CONSTITOOTE A PICTURE. 'THAR'SA PA'R TO DRAW TO, ' SAYS NELL TO TEXAS, HER EYES LIKE BROWN DIAMONDS. "p. 281. ]

"Nell brings over little Enright Peets, an' thar's no backin' awayfrom it him an' Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture. 

"'Thar's a pa'r to draw to!' says Nell to Texas, her eyes likediamonds. 

"Bein' romantic, like all girls, an' full of fancies that a-way, Nellindulges in playful specyoolations about Annalinda an' little EnrightPeets gettin' married later on. Not that she intends anything, although Texas takes it plenty serious, which shows how his egotism isalready workin' overtime. 

"When Monte puts up them groans about how Texas is changed, we-alllays it to the complainin' habit which, on account of whiskey mebby, has got to be second nacher with him. He's always kickin' aboutsomething; an' so, nacherally, when he onbosoms himse'f of that howlabout Texas, we don't pay no speshul heed. It ain't three days, however, before it begins to break on us that for once Monte's right. Texas has certainly changed. Thar's a sooperior manner, what you'dcall a loftiness, about him, which is hard to onderstand an' harderto put up with. It gets to be his habit constant to reemark in awearied way, as he slops out his drinks, that we-all'll have toexcoose him talkin' to us much, because he's got cares on his mind, besides bein' played out on account of settin' up all night withAnnalinda. 

"'Which she's sheddin' her milk teeth, ' he'd say, 'an' it makes herpetyoolant. '

"After which he'd turn away in dignified tol'ration, same as if we'retoo low an' dull to a'preeciate what he has to b'ar. 

"Or, ag'in--an' always before the draw--he'd throw down his hand in apoker game, an' scramble to his feet, sayin':

"'Heavens! I forgets about that Annalinda child!'

"An' with that he'd go skallyhootin' off into space, leavin' usplanted thar with a misdeal on our hands, an' each one of us holdin'mebby better than aces-up, an' feelin' shore we could have filled. It's nothin' less'n awful the way he acts; an' that we lets him getaway with it exhibits them sentiments of Christian charity whichpermeates our breasts. 

"Thar's the way, too, he goes hectorin' at Boggs! Two occasions inpartic'lar I reecalls; an' it's only Boggs' forbearance thathostil'ties don't ensoo. One time when Annalinda's out for a walk withher two old black mammies Boggs crosses up with the outfit an' kissesAnnalinda. Wharupon Texas yells out from across the street, like he'sbeen bit by a rattlesnake:

"'Don't do that, Dan! You'll mebby give her something. In MotherShrewsbury's "What Ails Babies and Why" it's laid down emphatic thatyou mustn't kiss 'em. '

"'But you kisses her, ' retorts Boggs. 

"'Me? But I'm her uncle. Besides, I only kisses her hands. Which I'llpermit you-all to kiss her hands, Dan, if that'll do you. Only don'tyou go to overplay it none. Don't forget that hands is the limit, an'it's thar whar you gets off. '

"'Which I ain't none shore, ' says Boggs, who's some hurt, as he'stalkin' the thing over with Enright an' Cherokee in the RedLight--'which I ain't none shore but Texas is right; only he oughtn'tto throw out them rooles of health of his so plumb offensive. You'dhave reckoned from the row he makes I'm eatin' Annalinda. '

"Another time Boggs gives Annalinda his six-shooter to play with, shehavin' deemanded it with screams. Texas comes steamin' up. 

"'Dan, ' he cries, grabbin' the weepon from Annalinda, 'sometimes Iasks myse'f in all ser'ousness be you got common sense! Is this yere asnare you're settin' for this innocent child? Do you-all want her toblow her head plumb off?'

"'But, Texas, ' Boggs expostyoolates, 'thar ain't a chance. How'sshe goin' to cock that gun, an' the mainspring fifteen poundsresistance?'

"'But she might drop it. '

"'Which, if she does, it can't go off none; I sets the hammer betweentwo shells on purpose. '

"'Whoever's bringin' up this yere baby, you or me?' Texas deemands, ashe tosses Boggs his gun. 'Please don't pass her no more artillery. Ifit's got to whar her existence is goin' to be a failure onless she'sfoolin' with a gun, I as her uncle preefers to furnish said hardwaremyse'f. '

"Shore, Boggs stands it, it's so evident Texas is onhinged. 

"'An' if you look at it straight it ain't no wonder, neither, ' saysBoggs, who's mighty forgivin' that a-way. 'It's apples to ashes if youwas to suddenly up an' enrich any of us with a niece like Annalinda, we-all in goin' crazy over her 'd give Texas kyards an' spades. '

"Texas, who's always readin' medicine books, likes to go bulgin''round eloocidatin' about measles an' scarlet fever an' whoopin'cough, an' what other maladies is allers layin' in wait to bushwhackinfancy. At sech moments he's plenty speecious an' foxy, so's to trapus into deebates with him. Mebby it'll be about the mumps, an' what'sto be done; an' then, after he gets us goin', he'll r'ar back theactchooal image of insult an' floor us with 'Mother Shrewsbury. ' Itain't no overstatin' a sityooation to say he pursoos these yeretactics ontil he's the admitted pest of the camp, an' thar ain't oneof us but would sooner see a passel of Apaches comin' than him. Hecan't confab two minutes about Annalinda but he grows so insultin' yousimply has to hold onto your manhood by the scruff of the neck not togo for him. 

"Even Enright ain't exempt. It comes out casyooally one evenin', asTexas goes layin' down the law about how he's r'arin' Annalinda, thatEnright's mother was wont to sooth an' engage his infantile hours witha sugar-rag an' a string of spools. Which you should have shore seenTexas look at him! Not with reespect, mind you; not like he's heardanything worth while or interestin'. But like he's sayin' to himse'f, 'An' you sets thar offerin' yourse'f as a argyooment in favor ofsugar-rags an' strings of spools! On the back of sech a warnin' youdon't figger none I'll go givin' sugar-rags an' strings of spools toAnnalinda, do you?' While he's thinkin' this he grins that patronizin'it'd set your teeth on edge. 

"Texas in a simple sperit of vain-glory'd take advantage of Tutt bein'a father that a-way to back him into a corner; an' then, ignorin' therest of us as belongin' to the barb'rous herd, he'd insist ondiscussin' skunk oil as a remedy for croup. An' the worst of it is hefinally has Tutt, who's bad enough before, gyratin' 'round, his addlednose to the sky in redoubled scorn of childless men. From the twosociablest sports in camp it gets so that the uncle in one an' fatherin the other so far supplants an' shoves aside the mere man in 'emthat Job himse'f would have had to make a new record for meekness an'long sufferin' to get along with 'em. Which we-all suffers from bothto that extent that when they does start to bombardin' each other theeepisode in some of its angles appeals to us as a welcome relief. 

"Even Peets goes after Texas. It don't do no good. He's become thatopinionated he ain't got no more reespect for Peets than for Monte. Texas mentions that Annalinda's got a ache some'ers, an' asks Peetswhat's his idee. 

"'Thar's nothin' onder the firmament, Texas, the matter with thatbaby, ' says Peets, 'but you. Which if you'd ever got to him as ayearlin' you'd a-killed Hercules himse'f! Quit yore fussin', an' giveAnnalinda a chance. Take a lesson from the cub coyote. Roll Annalindaout in the sand, an' let her scuffle. That's the way to bring ayoungone up. '

"'Mother Shrewsbury don't agree with you, ' says Texas. 'Also, thar'snothin' in them cub coyote claims of yours for r'arin' children. '

"'Mother Shrewsbury, ' retorts Peets, 'is nothin' but a patent med'cineoutfit, which feeds an' fattens on sech boneheads as you. '

"'Excoose me, but scattered throughout that invalyooable work is theendorsements of doctors of divinity. '

"'Shore! Half the time a gold brick comes to you wrapped in a tract. All the same, Texas, the way you're carryin' on about Annalinda isfast bringin' your sanity into doubt. '

"Texas snorts his scorn at this, an' goes back to 'Mother Shrewsbury. '

"As I've already s'ggested, however, thar's a bitter drop in Texas'cup, an' Tutt's the drop. As a ondeniable father, Tutt can put it allover Texas or any other mere uncle whenever he feels like it, an' deepdown in his heart Texas knows it. He struggles to hide the feelin', but any one can tell that the very sight of Tutt is wormwood to him. 

"Likewise, Tutt fully ree'lizes his sooperiority, an' in no wiseconceals the same. It comes as easy to Tutt as suckin' aiggs, hehavin' had plenty of practice. Ever since little Enright Peets isborn Tutt has conducted himse'f in a downhill manner towards all ofus, an' been allowed to do so; as why not? This manner has become somuch a part of Tutt that even after Texas inherits Annalinda an' setsup house for himse'f, while it makes the rest of us look up to himsome, it don't he'p him none with Tutt. Tutt's too thoroughly aware ofthe difference between bein' a father an' bein' a uncle. Likewise, helets Texas see it at every twist in the trail. 

"That time Nell takes to pa'rin' off little Enright Peets an'Annalinda, an' in a sperit of lightness speaks of how mebby some daythey'll wed, she springs the notion on Texas, as stated, an' asks himwhat he thinks. Texas, who always has to have time to make up his mindabout anything with Annalinda in it, is onable to say, first dash outof the box, whether he feels tickled or sore. He grows plenty solemn, as I mentions, grunts mighty elevated an' austere, an' mumbles aboutsome things bein' a long shot an' a limb in the way, an' the wisdom ofnot crossin' a bridge till you gets to it. 

"Ten minutes later, while he's still got Annalinda an' little EnrightPeets on the skyline of his regyard, Texas comes upon Tutt, who'stalkin' pol'tics to Armstrong. Armstrong has tossed off a fewweak-minded opinions about a deefensive an' offensive deal withRussia, an' Tutt's ag'in it as solid as a sod house. 

"'Yes, sir, ' Tutt's saying; 'I'm ag'in any sech low alliance. I'd beashamed to call myse'f a white man an' consent to sech open-eyeddisgrace. '

"Texas turns white. It's among his deefects that he can't escape thefeelin' that the whole world is always thinkin' an' talkin' aboutwhatever he himse'f is thinkin' an' talkin' about. Overhearin' whatTutt says, he concloodes that Tutt's declarin' his sent'ments as tolittle Enright Peets marryin' Annalinda, an' is out to reeject allsech alliances as a disgrace to the Tutts. An' Texas foomes. To be eatup by Tutt's sooperior station as a shore father is bad enough! An'now yere's Tutt, aggravatin' injury with insult! Which it's too much!

"'Draw your weepon, Dave, ' calls out Texas, bringin' his own gun tothe front. 'Your bein' a father don't overawe me none, you bet!Likewise, if you're a Tutt I'm a Thompson, an' I've stood about allI'm going to. '

"Tutt, as a old experienced gun-player, sees at a glance that he ain'tgot no time to throw out skirmishers. For reasons onknown, buts'fficient, thar's Texas manooverin' to plug him. Wharupon, Tutt takessteps accordin', an' takes 'em some abrupt. So abrupt, in trooth, thatTexas ain't got through oratin' before his nigh hind laig has stoppeda bullet midway above the knee. Shore, he gets a shot at Tutt, but itgoes skutterin' along in the sand a full foot to one side. Thar's onlythem two shots, Enright, Armstrong an' Jack Moore gettin' in between'em, an' nippin' any further trouble in the bud. 

"It's two hours later, an' Enright has come 'round to beat some senseinto Texas. 

"'Accordin' to the Doc yere, ' says Enright, as Peets ladles theinvalid out a hooker of Old Jordan, 'that laig'll be so you can rideag'in in a month. Pendin' which, while I don't preetend to savvywhat's been goin' on between you an' Dave, nor what insults has beengive or took, I no less tells you, Texas, that you're wrong. '

"'As how?' growls Texas, gulpin' down the nosepaint. 

"'As to them airs which of late you dons. You know you can't defend'em none. Dave's been the sole onchallenged father in this yere outfitfor crowdin' nigh five years; an' for you to come swaggerin' up, insistin' that he divide the pot with you an' you holdin' nothin'higher than a niece, nacherally exasperates him beyond endoorance. Which you'd feel the same yourse'f in Dave's place. '

"'But you don't onderstand, Sam. It's him connivin' round an' archin'his neck ag'inst them babies marryin' each other when they're growedup--it's that which sets my blood to b'ilin'. Wharever does Dave comein to get insultin' action at sech a prop'sition? It'll be a cold daywhen a Thompson ain't equal to a Tutt, an' I'll make that good while Ican pull an' p'int a . 45. '

"'Which Dave, ' interjecks Peets, as he goes cockin' up Texas' foot ona gooseha'r pillow, so's the shot laig'll feel it less--'which Davethinks right now, an' so informs me personal, that you-all starts tomussin' with him on account of pol'tics, an' him havin' been areepublican back East. Armstrong b'ars him out, too. '

"'Pol'tics?' gasps Texas, full of wonder. 'Whatever do I care aboutpol'tics? I shore ain't no nigger-lovin' reepublican. At the sametime, I ain't no cheap hoss-thief of a democrat, neither, even if Idoes come from Texas. Why, Doc, takin' jedge an' opposin' counsel an'the clerk who records the decree, on down to that ornery auctioneer ofa sheriff who sells up my stock at public vandoo for costs an' al'monythe time my Laredo wife grabs off her divorce, every stick-up among'em's a democrat. An' while I don't know nothin' about pol'tics, an'never aims to, you can go the limit on it I ain't nothin' them banditsbe. Which I'd sooner be a prohibitionist!'

"Enright an' Peets an' Texas keeps on discussin' ontil themisonderstandin' is laid bar', an' Texas is quick to admit that he'sbeen mistook. Tutt, who's willin' an' ready, is brought in, an' thepa'r reeconciled. 

"'An', old man, ' says Tutt, usin' both hands to shake with Texas, 'I'don the level feel a heap better if it's me who gets busted in thelaig. '

"'Don't mention it, Dave, ' returns Texas, who, now he reelizes whathe's done, is deeply affected. 'I was plumb wrong; I sees it now. Also, if in the fullness of time Annalinda declar's in favor ofweddin' little Enright Peets, I yereby binds myse'f to back themnuptials for a thousand head of steers. '

"'Texas, ' an' the water stands in Tutt's eyes, 'while it's the first Ihears of sech a racket, yere's my hand that I'll go with you, steerfor steer an' hoof for hoof. '

"What Peets calls 'the logic of the sityooation' p'ints to licker allaround; an', as we-all drinks to the onclouded future of Annalinda an'little Enright Peets, Texas an' Tutt ag'in shakes mighty fervent forthe second time. "

XI

THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT

"That Turner person! Does he remain in Wolfville long?" The oldcattleman repeated my question as though feeling for its bearings. "Well, he don't break no records. Which I should say now he sojournswith us mebby it's six months before he ups stakes an' pulls hisfreight back East. Oh, no; it ain't that any gent who's licensed tocall himse'f a molder of public opinion, sech as Enright or Peets, objects to the Turner person's further presence none. Speakin'gen'ral, the heft of feelin' is in his favor. Not but what he hasdeeficiencies. It's no easy shot, offhand, to tell you preecisely wharthis Turner person is camped in common esteem. Perhaps it's enough tosay he's one of them parties who, while they don't excite yourdisapproval, is shore to keep you loaded with regrets. 

"Ain't you met up frequent with that form of horned toad? Thar'snothin' you can lodge ag'inst 'em, nothin' at which a vig'lancecommittee can rope an' fasten; they're honest, well meanin', evengen'rous; an' yet thar they be, upholstered by nacher in some occultway with about the same chance of bein' pop'lar as a wet dog. Speakin'for myse'f, I feels sorry for these yere onforchoonate mavericks, condemned as they be at birth to go pirootin' from the cradle to thegrave, meetin' everywhar about the same welcome which awaits a polecatat a picnic. 

"Thar's no predom'natin' element of evil in this Turner person. Whichin his case the trouble swings an' rattles on the way he's built. Hiscrownin' deefect, mighty likely, is that he's got one of them sidehillminds, an' what idees he does evolve can't find no foothold, but isrobbed at the start of everything reesemblin' perm'nancy. I watcheshis comin's in an' goin's out for months on eend, an' I'm yere tosay--at the same time ascribin' to him no ill intentions--that onderall condition an' on all o'casions he's as onreli'ble as a woman'swatch. 

"About that weddin' he goes east to consummate?

"Which it looks like, speakin' mod'rate, he quits winner. He travelsback to Sni-a-bar as tame as tabby cats in persooance with Enright'scommands, an', once thar, old man Parks an' the rest of 'em whistleshim through the marital chute a heap successful. When he shows upamong us, his blushin' Peggy bride on his arm, he's wearin' all thebrands an' y'ear marks of a thor'ughly married man; to sech degrees, indeed, as renders Texas oncomfortable. 

"'It recalls, ' says Texas, 'them honeymoon days I passed with myLaredo wife before she wins out that divorce. It's like a iciclethrough my heart to look at him, ' he goes on, aloodin' to the Turnerperson an' the fatyoous fog of deelight he's evident in. 'Thar he is, like a cub b'ar, his troubles all before him, an' not brains enoughonder his skelp-lock to a'preeciate his awful p'sition. '

"'Why, Texas, ' remonstrates Nell as, the turn comin' trey-nine, shepicks a stack of bloos off the trey an' puts it in the check rack, 'you talks of wedlock as though that sacriment's a brace. Plenty offolks has beat the game. Thar's Tutt an' Tucson Jennie. '

"'Them nuptials of Dave's an' Jennie's, Nell, ' returns Texas, shakin'his head a heap gloomy, 'ain't far enough to the r'ar to afford apreecedent. Wait till Dave wakes up. '

"'Till Dave wakes up?' says Boggs, who's busy at the lay-out, an' hasjest planted a stack of reds coppered in the big squar'. 'Sechpess'mism, Texas, is reedic'lous. Bein' married that a-way, I takesit, is somethin' like walkin' a tightrope. It reequires care, but itcan be did. To be shore, if anything happens, you're in for ajo-darter of a jolt. Still, the resk don't render the feat imposs'ble, an' a brave man disregyards it. '

"'That's whatever, ' comments Nell, as, the king fallin' to win, shedraws down Boggs's reds. 

"Thar's no chill on the reception we confers on the Turner person an'his Peggy bride. Monte has orders, in case they're aboard, to onlimberhis shotgun a mile or two outside of camp, so's we gets notice an' isnot caught off our gyard. For once the old drunkard is faithful to histrust, an' when we hears him whangin' away with both bar'ls, we turnsout, as they say in Noo York, _en masse_. Every gent empties the sixchambers of his gun as the stage pulls up, an' the Turner personhe'ps out his Peggy bride into the center of a most joyful foosilade. We couldn't have done more if she's the Queen of Sheba. 

"The Turner person an' his Peggy bride is in right from the go. MissisRucker declar's that the bride's a lady; Nell proclaims her as 'shorecorn-fed, ' while Tucson Jennie allows she's a whole lot too good forsech a jack-rabbit of a husband as she gets. 

"Her beauty?

"Which you couldn't say it's calc'lated to blind. 

"For mere loveliness she ain't a marker to Nell. To be frank, it'ssomethin' more'n a simple question that a-way if she splits even withTucson Jennie. As for Missis Rucker, that matron bein' past her yoothain't properly speakin' in the runnin', an' to go comparin' her withgirls would be injestice. 

"Once landed, an' havin' escaped from that ovation we prepar's, theTurner person an' his Peggy bride moves into the wickeyup okyoopiedformer by Cash Box Billie an' Missis Bill, an' opens up their domesticgame. Hearin' nothin' to the contrary, no howls of anguish from him, no yelps of complaint from her, it's safe to say that in what joys issupposed to attend the connoobyal state, they coppers all of themloogubrious forebodin's of Texas, an' gets at least as good as a evenbreak. 

"Old man Parks back at Sni-a-bar?

"It looks like the Turner person, him bein' nacherally timid, exaggerates the perils which lurks in that aged cimmaron. Leastwise, old Parks don't offer no voylance to him, neither at the weddin' norlater. Some waifword does come creepin' along that durin' the cer'monytwo of the guests has to hold old Parks, an' that he's searched forweepons by the preacher before ever said divine consents to turn hisgame at all. Which I'm free to say, however, I never lends nocreedence to them yarns. 

"The Turner person, now he's established as a married gent an' acit'zen in full standin', gives himse'f horn an' hide to business thata-way. He's as prompt about openin' his coffin emporium as ever isBlack Jack in throwin' wide the portals of the Red Light. Once thar, he stays ontil the evenin' lamps is lit, layin' for a corpse to usehis new hearse on. 

"Also, the Turner person has hopes: an' equally also he ain't withoutfoundations wharon to build. That's an uncle of Armstrong who has cometotterin' into camp, as he says himse'f, to die. Likewise, it's theonbiased view of every gent in the outfit that this reelative ofArmstrong possesses reasons. He's a walkin' wreck. Peets concedes thathe's got every malady ever heard of, besides sev'ral as to whichscience is plumb in the dark. 

"Nacherally, not alone the Turner person, but the public at large, figgers that this yere uncle'll shore furnish employment for thehearse, an' at no distant day. But it looks like that onmitigatedinvalid is out to test our patience. Mornin' after mornin' he comesscufflin' into the Red Light on two canes to get his matootinalnosepaint, an' this he keeps up ontil it begins to look like malice. Ree'lizin', too, the pecooliar int'rest we-all is bound to take in himonder the circumstances, he puts on airs, an' goes by us when he meetsus as coldly haughty as a paycar by a tramp. Or, ag'in, he's prone togrin at us plenty peevish an' malev'lent, an' this he does partic'larif the Turner person's hoverin' round. 

"'Which I shore deespises to keep you boys waitin', ' he'd say, with acacklin', aggravatin' laugh; 'but the way I feels it'd be prematooreto go greasin' up the hubs of that hearse. '

"Sech taunts he flings forth constant, ontil he comes mighty neardrivin' Boggs frantic. 

"'It seems, ' says Boggs, 'like simply livin' ain't good enough forthat old hoss thief. To be wholly happy he's obleeged to make his stayon earth a source of mis'ry to other folks. Which he ought to've beenin his tomb ten years ago. Every day he draws his breath is so muchvelvet; an', instead of bein' thankful, all he thinks of is makin'mean reemarks an' sayin' bitin' things. He'll keep on till someover-provoked sport bends a six-shooter on his insultin' head. '

"Weeks of waitin' goes by. Armstrong's old badger of a uncle hangs on, an' no outside corpse falls in, Arizona, as you doubtless savvys, bein' scand'lously healthy that a-way. So far, too, from any el'g'blesubject arrivin' in the usual way, the town never experiences sech aperiod of rippleless an' onruffled peace. As showin', too, how far thepublic is willin' to go to he'p along the play, I need only mentionthat on two o'casions Boggs leaves out his best pony all night, himse'f sprawled in behind a mesquite bush with his winchester, hopin'some Mexican'll prove weak enough to want it. All is in vain, however. Thar we be, framed up to give a fooneral from which Cochise Countycould date time, an' nothin' in the line of raw mater'al wharwith topull it off. Which I never sees the gen'ral feelin' more exasperated. It's as though in a sperit of sarcasm our destinies is mockin' us. 

"The Turner person, in the face of this yere disheartenin' idleness, takes refooge in a trottin' hoss, which form of equine is as strangeto us as camelopards. Shore, we has our runnin' races, pony ag'instpony, a quarter of a mile dash; but that's as far as we goes. 

"The Turner person says that for himse'f he prefers trottin' races, an' after seein' him ride once I shore quits marvellin' at thatpref'rence. You could no more keep him on a pony than you could keephim on a red-hot stove. We ties a roll of blankets across the horn ofthe saddle, an' organizes him with buckin' straps besides, an' in theface of all them safegyards he rolls off that hoss same as you'dexpect some chambermaid to do. 

"Accordin' to the Turner person, trottin' races is the sport of kings, an' actin' on this feelin' he sends back East for a hoss. He drives itin one evenin' behind the stage, an' we-all goes over to the corral tosize it up. It's consid'rable of a hoss, too, standin' three handshigher than the tallest of our ponies. Also, it has a ewe neck an'lib'ral legs. It's name is 'Henry of Navarre, ' but we sees at oncethat sech'll never do, an' re-christens him 'Boomerang Bob. '

"When this hoss arrives Boggs gets excited, an' him an' the Turnerperson lays out a track all around town like a belt. Boggs allows it'sa mile long, or near enough, an' after a passel of Greasers cl'arsaway the cactus an' mesquite an' Spanish bayonet, the Turner personhooks up Boomerang to a mountain wagon, an' sends him 'round an''round an' 'round at a pace that'd make your eyes stick out so far youcould see your sins. Old Boomerang is shore some eevanescent! Whenthat Turner person shakes the reins an' yells 'Skoot!' you could hearhim whizz. On sech occasions he's nothin' short of a four-laiggedmeteor, an' looks forty feet long passin' a given p'int. 

"The big drawback is that thar ain't no quadrooped anywhar about torace Boomerang ag'inst. Leastwise, we don't hear of none for goin' onsome months, an' when we do it's as far away as Albuquerque. Someconsumptive tenderfoot, it looks like, has got a trottin' hoss oversome'ers between Albuquerque an' Socorro, sech at least is the wordwhich comes to us. 

"When this pulmonary sport hears of Boomerang, which he does byvirchoo of the overblown boastin's of the Turner person, he announcesthat his hoss, Toobercloses, can beat him for money, marbles or chalk. Then comes a season of bluff an' counter-bluff, the pulmonary partyinsistin' that the Turner person bring Boomerang up to Albuquerque, an' the Turner person darin' the pulmonary sport to fetch his 'dog, 'as he scornfully terms Toobercloses, down to Wolfville. 

"It's to be said for the Turner person that he'd have shore tookBoomerang, an' gone romancin' off to Albuquerque, lookin' for thatweak-lunged reprobate an' his hoss, only sent'ment is plumb ag'instit. We-all don't propose to lose the camp the advantages of thatcontest, an' so to put an eend to discussion, we urges upon the Turnerperson that we-all'll shore kill him if he tries. This yere firmnessgives us the pref'rence over Albuquerque, an' the pulmonary sportallows final that he'll come to Wolfville, but don't say when. 

"While eevents is thus a-whirl, an' the camp's all keyed up to concertpitch over the comin' race between Boomerang an' Toobercloses, thelong-hoped for comes to pass an' the Turner person, as fooneraldirector, receives his 'nitial call. Over in Red Dog is a party namedHolt. He ain't standin' none too high, him havin' married a Mexicanwoman, an' even them Red Dogs has the se'f-respect to draw the socialline at Mexicans. One sun-up, however, she goes trapesin' across theline to visit her people down near Casa Grande, an' she never doescome back. It looks like she's got enough of old Holt, which to gentswho knows him don't go trenchin' on the strange. 

"The long suit of this yere Mexican wife of old Holt's is thinkin'she's sick, she holdin' that she's got as many things the matter withher as is preyin' on Armstrong's uncle. When she breaks out of thecorral an' goes stampedin' off to her tribe, she leaves behind mebbyit's a hundred bottles or more of patent med'cine, rangin' all the wayfrom arnica to ha'r dye. 

"Followin' her flight that a-way old Holt goes to takin' an account ofstock by way of seein' what she cabbages an' what she leaves, an' thefirst flash he blunders upon this yere bushel or so of drugs. He's toofroogal to throw 'em away, old Holt is, bein' plumb pars'monious thata-way, an' after revolvin' the play in his mind for a spell, he upsan' swallows 'em to save 'em. 

"No one ever does figger out jest what individyooal med'cine bumpsold Holt off that time, an' thar's no sayin' whether it's the arnicaor the ha'r dye or some other deecoction, or simply the wholeclan-jamfrey in comb'nation. Not that any gent goes to reely delvin'for the trooth, the gen'ral interest pitchin' camp contentedly onthe simple fact that old Holt's been shore put over the jump. DocPeets? Old Holt's packed in before the Doc's half way to Red Dog. Shore; some of them bottled med'cines is as ack'rate an' as fullof action as a six-shooter. 

"Of course we-all is pleased to think the Turner person, as fooneraldirector, ain't been born to bloom onseen, but the rift in the flooteis that the corpse belongs to Red Dog. Old Holt ain't ours none, an'from whatever angle we looks at it it appears like Wolfville ain'tgoin' to get a look in. 

"It's at pinches sech as this that Enright shows his genius forleadership. While all of us is lookin' bloo, to see how Red Dog beatsus to it for our own hearse, our fertile old war chief is ribbin' up agame for pop'lar relief. 

"The Red Dog del'gation, headed by the Red Dog chief, comes over toround up the Turner person an' his hearse to entomb old Holt. At theirshowin' up Enright begins to onkiver his diplomacy. 

"'Which we symp'thizes with you-all in your bereevement, gents, ' sayshe to the Red Dog bunch, 'but it's ag'inst our rooles for this yerehearse to go outside of camp. '

"'Ain't you actin' some niggardly about that hearse?' asks the Red Dogchief coldly. 

"'Not niggardly, only proodent. Death cometh as a thief in the night, speshully in Arizona, an' we-all'd be a fine band of prairie dogs togo lendin' our only hearse all over the territory, an' mebby have itskallyhootin' 'round som'ers up about the Utah line jest when we needsit at home. However, as refootin' your onjest charge of bein'niggards, if you-all Red Dogs wants to bring deceased over yere, ourentire lay-out is at your disposal. Allowin' you can find your ownsky-pilot, we stands ready to not only let you have our hearse, butfurnish you likewise with moosic from the Bird Cage Op'ry House, cha'rs from the dance hall, the Noo York store to hold serv'ces in, tosay nothin' to considerin' you-all as our guests from soda to hock, with every Red Light thing said term implies. '

"'Also, ' observes Peets, who, from his place at Enright's elbow, isridin' circumspect herd on the play--'also, we presents you-all, without money an' without price, a sepulcher in our buryin' ground onBoot Hill. '

"This yere last provokes a storm of protest, the Red Dog del'gationtakin' turns exposchoolatin'. But Enright an' the Doc stands ca'mlypat. 

"'Which now, ' says the Red Dog chief, an' his tones is bitter--'whichnow I begins to ketch onto your plot. You savvys as well as I do thatold Holt don't ought to go into your pile at all. He belongs in ourpile--to Red Dog's pile. An' let me reemind you intriguers that RedDog owns its own cem'tery over in Headboard Hollow, an' ain't askin'graveyard odds of any outfit west of the Spanish Peaks. This is a fineidee, ' he concloods, turnin' sneerin'ly to his cohorts; 'not contentwith tryin' to grab off these yere obs'quies, they're brazenlymanooverin' to purloin the corpse. '

"At these contoomelius reemarks Boggs, Tutt, Moore an' Cherokee takesto edgin' to the fore, but Enright reepresses 'em with a admon'torywave of his hand. 

"'Gents, ' he says, to the Red Dog hold-ups, 'as vis'tors, even thoughse'f-invited, you're entitled to courtesy. But thar's a limit goeswith courtesy even, an' you-all mustn't press it. '

"This last sets the Red Dog outfit back on its apol'getic ha'nches, an' after a few more footile but less insultin' bluffs, they retiresto consult. The wind-up is that they yields to Enright's terms, incloosive of Boot Hill, an' after libatin' at the Red Light theycanters off to freight over old Holt, so's to be ready to hold thefooneral next day. 

"As I looks back to them prep'rations thar's no denyin' that as afooneral director the Turner person proves himse'f plumb cap'ble ofgettin' thar with the goods. Once he reeceives the word, everythinggoes off as measured an' steady as the breathin' of a sleepin' child. Even the Red Dog chief is moved to softer views, as gents frequent befollowin' the eighth drink, an' whispers to Enright, confidenshul, that when all's in the only thing he deplores is that old Holt isbein' planted on Boot Hill instead of in Headboard Hollow. At thisEnright, meetin' the Red Dog chief half-way, whispers back that later, if Red Dog desires the same, we'll jump in an' move old Holt a wholelot to Headboard Hollow. At this lib'ral'ty the Red Dog chief squeezesEnright's hand a heap fraternal, an' chokes with emotion. He sobs outthat this is the one thing wanted to reestore them former friendlyreelations between the camps. 

"The procession is one of the most exhil'ratin' pageants ever seen inthe Southwest. At the head is the ploomed hearse, old Holt inside, the Turner person on the box. Next comes the stage coach, Montedrivin', an' Nell, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie, little Enright Peets, the Turner person's Peggy bride an' other ladies inside. The balanceof us attends on our ponies, ridin' two an' two. 

"As we're waitin' for the preacher sharp, who's goin' in the stage, toget tucked in among the ladies, a hollow-chested, chalk-cheeked, sardonic-lookin', cynical-seemin' bandit, drivin' a lean-laigged hossto one of them spid'ry things they calls a quill-wheel, comespirootin' along over to one side of the fooneral cortege at a walk. He's p'intin' in from over Red Dog way, but I savvys from thewonderin' faces of them Red Dog sports that he's as new to them as us. The cynical bandit skirts along our procession ontil he's abreast ofthe hearse. Then he pulls up, we-all not havin' had the word to startas yet. 

"The Turner person has hooked up old Boomerang to the hearse, so as toconfer on this his first fooneral all the style he can. Havin' haltedhis quill-wheel, the hectic bandit, coughin' a little, p'ints his whipat Boomerang an' says to the Turner person:

"'Is this the skate you're tryin' to match ag'inst my Toobercloses?'

"'Grizzly b'ars an' golden eagles!' exclaims Boggs, who's ridin' nextto me, 'if he ain't that lunger from Albuquerque!' An' Boggs pulls outto the left, an' crowds up towards the hearse for a closer look. 

"'As fooneral director, ' the Turner person replies to the hectic, quill-wheel bandit, whom he fathoms instantly--'as fooneral director, I must preeserve the decorums. But only you wait, you onblushin'outlaw, ontil I've patted down the sods on old Holt yere, an' I'llrace you for every splinter you own. '

"'That's all right, ' retorts the hectic bandit, givin' another littlecat-cough. 'Which you needn't get your ondertakin' back up none. Meanwhile, I'll nacherally string along with these obs'quies, so's tobe ready to talk turkey to you when you're through. '

"Enright gives the signal an', with Boomerang an' the hearse at thehead, the procession lines out at a seedate walk for the grave. 

"Boot Hill's been located about a mile an' a half off, so as to giveour foonerals doo effect. As we pushes for'ard, everything mightysolemn, the hectic bandit, keepin' a few feet off to one side, walkshis hoss parallel with the hearse. Every now an' then his hoss, makin'a half bolt as if he's been flicked by the lash, would streak ahead arod or two like a four-laigged shadow. Then he'd pull him down to awalk, an' sort o' linger along ontil the hearse comes up ag'in. Hedoes this a half dozen times; an' all in a hectorin' sperit that'danger the pulseless soul of a clam. 

"One way an' another it stirs up the feelin's of old Boomerang, who'sbeginnin' to bite at the bit an' throw his laigs some antic an'permiscus. The Turner person himse'f acts like a party who's holdin'onto his eemotions by the tail, so as to keep 'em from breakin' loose. His face is set, his elbows squar'd, an' he's settin' up on his hearseas stiff an' straight as a rifle bar'l, lookin' dead ahead between oldBoomerang's two y'ears. So it goes on for likely half a mile, thehectic bandit seesawin' an' pesterin' an' badgerin' old Boomerang, nowdartin' ahead, now slowin' back to let the hearse ketch up. 

"As I yeretofore explains, the Turner person ain't arranged mental toentertain more'n one idee at a time. My own notion is that as thehectic bandit, with Toobercloses, commences to encroach more an' moreupon his attention, he loses sight that a-way of old Holt an' thefooneral. Whatever the valyoo of this as a theery, thar comes amoment, about a mile from Boot Hill, when, as sudden as the crack of arifle, away goes Boomerang with the rush of a norther. Tooberclosesain't a second behind. Thar they be, Toobercloses ag'inst Boomerang, quill-wheel ag'inst hearse, old Holt inside, racin' away to beat aroyal flush. 

"As hearse an' quill-wheel go t'arin' down the trail Monte gets thefever, an' sets to pourin' the buckskin into his three span, an'yellin' like forty Apaches. The six hosses goes into their collarslike lions, an' the stage takes to rockin' an' boundin' an' bumpin' inclost pursoote of the hearse. Nor be we-all on ponies left any behind, you bet. We cuts loose, quirt an' spur, an' brings up the r'ar in adust-liftin', gallopin' half-moon. It's ondoubted the quickest-movin'fooneral that ever gets pulled off. 

"Old Holt, an' put it lightest, is a one hundred an' eighty pounder, an' the hearse itse'f is as heavy as a Studebaker wagon. Fromstandp'ints of weight pore old Boomerang ain't gettin' a squar' deal. Which the old hero ain't got no notion of bein' beat, though. He's allheart an' bottom; an', game?--bald hornets is quitters to him!

"The load begins to tell at last, though, an' inch by inch Tooberclosesstarts to nose Boomerang out. It's then the flood-gates is lifted. Nell, head out of one of the coach windows, starts screamin' toBoomerang; Missis Rucker's got her sunbonnet out of another, expressin' her opinion of the hectic bandit an' Toobercloses; TucsonJennie is shoutin' for Dave to come an' rescue her; the Turnerperson's Peggy is shriekin' with hysterics; the preacher sharp--who'stryin' to get at Monte--is talkin' scriptoorally but various, whilelittle Enright Peets is contreebutin' his small cub-coyote yelps ofexultation to the gen'ral racket. 

"Back among us riders the bets is flyin' hither an' yon as thick asswallow birds at eventide, we offerin' hundreds on Boomerang an' themRed Dogs backin' Toobercloses. It's as the tech of death to theWolfville heart when we sees Toobercloses slowly surgin' to the fore. 

[Illustration: THAR'S A BOMBARDMENT WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A BATTERY OFGATLINGS, THE WHOLE PUNCTCHOOATED BY A WHIRLWIND OF "WHOOPS!" p. 317. ]

"Half-way to Boot Hill Boggs spurs up on the nigh flank of Boomerang. 

"'Yere's whar we puts a little verve into this thing!' he roars; an'pullin' his guns he begins shakin' the loads out of 'em like romancandles. 

"Wolfville an' Red Dog, every gent follows Boggs' example. It soundslike a battery of gattlings, the whole punctchooated by a whirlwind of'Whoops!' that'd have backed a war party of Apaches over a bluff. Theyalmost hears us in Tucson. 

"Old Boomerang reesponds noble to Boggs's six-shooters. They was thepreecise kind of encouragement he's been waitin' for, an' onder theirinspiration he t'ars by Toobercloses like a thrown lance. We sweeps onto Boot Hill, makin' a deemoniac finish, old Boomerang leadin' by thelen'th of the hearse. 

"Nobody's hurt, onless you wants to count that hectic bandit fromAlbuquerque. After he's beat cold, Toobercloses gets tangled upaccidental in a mesquite bush, the quill-wheel swaps eends withitse'f, an' the hectic Albuquerque bandit lands head on in a bunch ofcactus. He's shore a spectacle; an' Peets says private that for awhile thar's hopes he'll die. As for the parson, who's the sorestdivine in Arizona, he allows that the only bet he ever knowsprov'dence to overlook is not breakin' the hectic bandit's neck. 

"Nacherally, the Red Dogs feels some grouchy at the way things hasgone, an' while they gives up their orig'nal thought of lynchin' thehectic bandit, they're plenty indignant at him for turnin' old Holt'sfooneral into a hoss race. It ain't old Holt that's frettin' 'em somuch as that they feels like it's a disgrace on their camp. 

"This yere Red Dog feelin' prodooces a onlooked for effect. They goesgloomin' an' glowerin' 'round, an' talkin' to themselves to sech ahostile extent it ups an' scares the Turner person. Plumb timid bynacher, he gets afraid the Red Dogs' indignation'll incloode himfinal, an' eend by drawin' their horns his way. It's no use tryin' toca'm him. Argyooment, reemonstrance, even a promise to protect himwith our lives, has no effect. The Turner person, in a last stampedeof his nerve, is for dustin' back to Missouri--him an' his Peggybride. He says it's more peaceful, more civ'lized thar, which shorestrikes us as a heap jocose. In the end, however, we has to let himgo. 

"The hearse?

"We keeps the hearse, that an' Boomerang; Armstrong's uncle buys 'em. He says he don't aim to be sep'rated none from the only hearse withina hundred miles, an' him on the verge of the grave. 

"'Which my only reason for livin' now, ' says he, 'is to lac'rateBoggs, an' even that as a pastime is beginnin' to pall. '

"What time does Boomerang make?

"No one preetends to hold a watch. Thar's one thing, though, whichlooks like he was shore goin' some. Tutt on the way back picks up adead jack-rabbit, that's been run over by the hearse. "

XII

SPELLING BOOK BEN

"Which it's as you states. " The old cattleman assumed the easyattitude of one sure of his position. "Reefinement, that a-way, willevery now an' then hit the center of the table in manner an' form mostonexpected. Thar's Red Dog. Now whoever do you reckon would look forsech a oncooth outfit to go onbeltin' in any reefined racket? An' yetthar's once at least when Red Dog shows it's got its silken side. 

"An', after all, mebby I'm too narrow about Red Dog. Thar's timeswhen I fears that drawn aside by prejewdyce I misjedges Red Dogutter, an' takes for ignorant vulgar'ty what comin' down to cases ismerely noise. It's the whiskey they drinks, most likely. They'readdicted to a kind of cat-bird whiskey over thar, which sets 'em towhistlin' an' chirpin' an' twitterin' an' teeterin' up an' down onthe conversational bough, to sech a seemin'ly empty-headed extent it'scalc'lated to mislead the ca'mest intellects into a belief that thec'rrect way to deal with Red Dog is to build one of these yerestone corrals 'round it, call it a loonatic asylum, an' let it go atthat. 

"Wolfville's whiskey?

"We-all confines ourselves to Valley Tan an' Willow Run an' OldJordan, all lickers which has a distinct tendency to make a gentseedate, an' render him plumb cer'monious. I in no wise exaggerateswhen I avers that I freequent cuts the trail of parties who, after thetenth or mebby it's the 'leventh drink across the Red Light bar, waxesthat punctillious they even addresses a measly Mexican as 'Sir. '

"Recurrin' to Red Dog, that silken occasion which I has in mind occurswhen, proceedin' without invitation an' wholly as volunteers, theystrings up the book-keep sharp who bumps off Spellin' Book Ben. Thar'sa brief moment when said action runs a profound risk of bein'misconstrooed into becomin' the teemin' source of complications. Yousee we ain't lookin' for nothin' in the way of a play from Red Dogmore del'cate than the butt of a six-shooter, an' it ain't ontil theRed Dog chief himse'f onlimbers in planations, an' all plenty loocid, that we ketches fully on. 

"Red Dog goes further an' insists on payin' over what money theywagers, an' all as honorable as though that contest which they bets ongoes to a showdown. Enright won't have it, though, none whatever; an'what with one side heatedly profferin' an' the other coldly refoosin', it looks for a time like thar's goin' to be feelin'. Friction isaverted, however, when Peets--who's allers thar with the s'lootion toany tangle--recommends that Red Dog an' Wolfville chip in half an'half conj'intly, to buy a tombstone for Spellin' Book, with ainscription kyarved tharon, the same to read:

 TO THE MEMORY OF SPELLING BOOK BEN. PREFERRING DEATH TO THE APPEARANCE OF IGNORANCE, HE DIED A MARTYR TO LEARNING AND BRAVELY DEFENDING A RIGHTFUL ORTHOGRAPHY. THE LANGUAGE MOURNS HIS LOSS. 

"'Which we simply aims by this yere hangin', ' says the Red Dog chiefin makin' them explanations, the same bein' addressed to Enright, 'tosave you-all from a disagree'ble dooty. '

"'As how?' deemands Enright, who's a heap deefensive by instinct, an'never puts down his stack while the kyards is in the hands of thedealer. 

"'As how to wit, ' returns the Red Dog chief. 'Troo, this book-keepmalefactor ain't by rights no shore-enough Red Dogger, seein' he's aimportation of the express company's an' at best or worst no more'n asojourner within our gates. But, considerin' how he trails in yerethis evenin' in our company, we feels respons'ble. Wharfore, allowin'that mebby--you-all standin' towards us visitors, that a-way, in thelight of hosts--your notion of hospital'ty gets its spurs tangled upin your deelib'rations so it impedes the march of jestice, weintervenes. Which I shorely trusts that no gent present regyards RedDog as that ontaught as to go cuttin' in on what's cl'arly a aliengame onasked. Red Dog ain't quite that exyooberantly bumptious, not tosay croodly gay. It's only to relieve the shoulders of you-all from aburden that we strings said offender up. '

"'_Bueno!_' replies Enright, followin' a dignified pause, like he'sweighin' the Red Dog chief's eloocidations. 'A gent, onless his handis crowded by some p'int of honor, allers takes the word of a fellowgent. In view of which, the execootion you pulls off is yerebyaccepted as kindly meant, an' as sech is kindly took. I'm preepared onbehalf of Wolfville to regyard the same as performed in a sperit ofdel'cate courtesy. Whatever, Doc, do you-all say?'

"'Like yourse'f, Sam, ' says Peets, 'I grasps an' a'preeciates the RedDog attitoode. Also, I holds that the business thus constrooed iscalc'lated to cement relations between the two camps which, havin'their roots in mutyooal esteem, is shore to b'ar froote in fraternalaffection. '

"The Doc then goes on an' onbends in flatterin' asshorances thatnothin' could be finer worded than the Red Dog chief's oration, onlessit's Enright's reply. 

"'As a jedge of diction, ' he concloods, 'an' a lover of properspeakin', I'm onreserved in the view that the statements of both oughtto be preeserved as spec'mens of English ondeefiled. '

"Thar havin' been talk enough, an' Enright an' Peets contendin' thatit's Wolfville's treat, both sides goes weavin' over to the Red Lightan' onbends in quite a frolic. 

"It'd shore been better if we had first cut down the corpse, an'tharby dodged the wrath of Missis Rucker. It's certainly a oversight. Bar that single incident, thar arises nothin' to mar the good feelin'which everywhar preevails. Forchoonately, that don't occur none ontilnoon next day; an' by that time the Red Dog folks has all gone home, leastwise all who can go without fallin' out of the saddle. Which ifthem Red Dogs is present, an' able to form opinions, them intemp'rateexhibitions of Missis Rucker, an' what she says an' threatens ag'instus, speshully Enright, would have mortified us to death. 

"As showin' the vagaries of the female mind, Missis Rucker seelectsthat lynchin' as a topic at chuck time, an' she shore does carry onscand'lous. We ain't but jest filed into the dinin' room, when shet'ars loose at Enright like a cyclone in a calico dress. Son, shecertainly does curry our old Lycurgus frightful!

"What does Enright do?

"Whatever can he do more'n mootely arch his back, same as a mule in astorm of hail, an' stand it?

"When Missis Rucker has done freed her feelin's, an' got themreecrim'nations dealt down to the turn, she shakes a finger onderEnright's subdooed nose, an' fulm'nates a warnin'. 

"'I tells you once before, Sam Enright, ' she says, 'an' I tells younow ag'in, that you-all drunkards is either goin' to cease pesterin'me the way you does, or I'm bound I'll make some among you plenty hardto locate. Now don't you go tellin' me nothin', ' she shouts, asEnright starts to say somethin'; 'don't go harrowin' me up with noneof your fabrications. It's nothin' but your egreegious pompos'ty thata-way, an' a gen'ral deesire to put on dog an' lord it over us porefemales with meals to cook an' water to draw, which sets you-all tohangin' parties to the windmill whar they're plumb in the way. An' allafter me takin' my hands out of the dough, too, the time youStranglers puts that B'ar Creek Stanton over the jump, an' goin' inperson to the stage corral to p'int out a beam which is a heap betteradapted. '

"'But, ma'am, ' expostyoolates Enright, 'you've done followed off thewrong wagon track entire. It ain't us none; it's them Red Dog savages. So far as Wolfville's concerned, him bein' swung to the windmill, thata-way, is plumb fortooitous. '

"'Jest the same, ' returns Missis Rucker, who's merciless an' refoosesto be softened, 'you better take heed a heap. This once I lets you getaway with that Red Dog crawl-out. But if ever I finds another partysuspended to the windmill so's I can't get no water, thar's a passelof sots, of whom you, Sam Enright, is the onregen'rate chief, who'llshore get their grub fortooitous. '

"Peets, at this yere crisis, jogs Enright's elbow, by way of signin'up to him to draw out; an', except from her domineerin' over Ruckermore'n common for a couple of days, she ceases her demonstrations. 

"Not but what Missis Rucker has some rights on her side. What withfeedin' forty of us folks three times a day, she's got a lot on hermind; an' to find some sooperfluous sport hangin' in her way, when shegoes to fill her bucket, necessar'ly chafes her. 

"An' yet the Stranglers is up ag'inst it, too. Hangin' a culprit, dooly convicted, is a public game; an' the windmill's the only pieceof public property in sight, besides bein' centrally sityooated. Also, thar's nothin' in that corral bluff of Missis Rucker's. The beam shealloodes to ain't big enough, an' is likewise too low. 

"Boggs, who sympathizes with Missis Rucker, once when we has a hossthief we don't need on our hands, su'gests we rope him up to the signover Armstrong's Noo York store. But thar's rival trade interests, an'Enright fears it'll be took invidious as a covert scheme for drawin'custom to Armstrong's emporium. 

"'Personally, ' says Enright, 'I favors Dan's idee. But sinceArmstrong's a member of the committee, you-all sees yourselves thatfor us to go execootin' culprits on his sign that a-way, the directeffects of which distinguishes him an' booms his game, would shorebreed jealousies. '

"'How would it do, ' asks Texas, 'if we takes them marts seeriatim, an' one after another yootilizes all their signs?'

"'With doo deference to Texas, ' interjecks Tutt, 'this swingin' roundfrom sign to sign, with deeds of jestice, is a heap likely to subtractfrom the deterrent effects. It's better we stick to the windmill, an'takes chances on beddin' them resentments of Missis Rucker's down. '

"'That's all right for you, Dave, ' retorts Boggs; 'you're a marriedman, an' eats at home. You wouldn't feel so plumb gala about quietin'Missis Rucker if you-all was obleeged diurnal to depend upon thateasily exasperated matron for your _frijoles_, same as us. TucsonJennie's the best cook in Cochise County, an', bein' her husband thata-way, you ain't in no place to jedge. '

"'Dan's right, Dave, ' declar's Peets; 'surrounded as you be, you can'tsense our peril, that is, sense it proper. Admirable as Tucson Jennieis as wife an' mother, an' I says this onbiased by bein' one of twoafter whom little Enright Peets is named, she's still more admirablein her rôle of cook. For which reason, Dave, you-all, when MissisRucker threatens us, ain't able, as Dan says, to rightly gauge saidmenaces. '

"Them coolinary compliments to Tucson Jennie placates Tutt. He's halfstarted to bow his neck at Boggs, but they mollifies him. 

"'Mighty likely you're correct, Doc, ' he returns, his face cl'arin';'an' I begs Dan's pardon for some things I was goin' to say. My wifeis shore an exempl'ry cook, an' mebby I ain't no fit jedge. None theless, you-all'll find, as to them hangin's, that this yere goin' aboutfrom pillar to post with 'em is doo to rob 'em of their moral side. '

"'I feels like Dave, ' observes Enright, comin' in on the pow-wow. 'Lynchin's, to have weight an' be a credit to us, ought not to beerratic. A lack of reg'larity about 'em would shake our standin' as acamp. '

"Monte starts the business that time when Red Dog astounds us with itsdel'cacy, by comin' bulgin' in one evenin' with word about how theleadin' inflooences in Tucson is broke out in a perfect deebauch ofspellin' schools. 

"'An' I'm yere to remark, ' says he, in his conceited, rum-soaked way, 'that these yere contests contreebootes a mighty meetropol'tanatmosphere. '

"'Who orig'nates spellin' schools, anyway?' asks Boggs, whosecuriosity is allers at half-cock. 'Which it's the first time I hearsof sech things. '

"'Spellin' schools ain't nothin' new, ' Peets replies. 'They're ascommon as deelirum treemons in the East. '

"'Which they certainly be, ' corroborates Enright. 'Back along theCumberland, as far away as when I'm a boy, we has 'em constant same aschills an' fever. We-all young bucks attends 'em mighty loyal, too, an' fights to see who-all goes home with the girls. When it comes tobein' pop'lar, spellin' schools is a even break with ganderpullin's. '

"'Thar's a Tucson kyard sharp, ' continyoos Monte, 'over to theOriental s'loon, who tells me them spellin' schools is likewise allthe rage in Prescott an' Benson an' Silver City. That Lightnin' Bugtarrapin' from Red Dog is loafin' about, too, while the kyard sharp'stalkin', his y'ears a-wavin' like a field of clover. You don't figgerthar's a chance that Red Dog gets the notion, Sam, an' takes toholdin' them tournaments of learnin' itse'f?'

"What Monte says sets us thinkin'. As a roole we don't pay much heedto his observations, the same bein' freequent born of alcohol. Butthat bluff about Red Dog sort o' scares us up a lot. Good can come outof Nazareth, an' even Monte might once in a while drive the center asa matter of luck. 

"'It wouldn't do us, Doc, ' says Enright, who's made some oneasy by thethought--'which it shore wouldn't do us, as an advanced camp, to letRed Dog beat us to them spellin' schools. '

"'I should confess as much!' admits Peets, mighty emphatic. 'Speakin'from commoonal standp'ints, it'd mark us as too dead to skin. '

"The sityooation takes shape in a resolootion to hold a spellin'school ourselves, an' invite Red Dog to stand in. Sech steps iscalc'lated, we allows, to head off orig'nal action on the Red Dogpart. 

"'Let's challenge 'em to spell ag'in us, ' says Texas. 'That's shore tostop 'em from holdin' spellin' schools of their own, an' it'll be assimple as tailin' steers to down 'em. I'll gamble what odds youplease that, when it comes to edyoocation that a-way, we can make themRed Dogs look like a bunch of Digger Injuns. '

"'Don't move your stack to the center on that proposition, Texas, 'observes Tutt, 'ontil you thoroughly skins your hand. Edyoocationain't wholly dead in Red Dog. Thar's a shorthorn over thar, him whokeeps books for the Wells-Fargo folks, who's edyoocated to a razoredge. '

"'Him?' says Boggs. 'That murderer ain't no book sharp speshul. Puthim ag'in the Doc or Col'nel Sterett, an' he wouldn't last as long asa quart of whiskey at a barn raisin'. Which he's a heap sight betterfitted to shine in a gun-play than a spellin' contest. '

"'But Col'nel Sterett ain't here none, ' Tutt urges, 'havin' gone backto see his folks; an' as for the Doc, he'll be needed to put out thewords. Some competent gent's got to go back of the box an' deal thegame, an' the Doc's the only stoodent in town who answers thatdeescription. '

"Armstrong, who's happened along lookin' for his little old fortydrops, lets on he knows a party down in El Paso who can spell anyword that ever lurks between the covers of a dictionary. 

"'That's straight, ' Armstrong declar's. 'This yere El Paso savant canspell anything. Which I've seen him spell the hind shoes off ashavetail mule for the drinks. He's the boss speller of the RioGrande, so much so they calls him "Spellin' Book Ben. "'

"'Let's rope him up, ' Peets suggests. 'Which them Red Dogs never willquit talkin' if we-all lets 'em down us. '

"'Do you-all reckon, ' asks Enright, appealin' to Armstrong, 'you couldlure that El Paso expert up yere to partic'pate in this battle of theintellects?'

"'It's as easy as playin' seven-up, ' Armstrong replies. 'Which I'llwrite him I needs his aid to count up the stock in my store, an' youbet he'll come a-runnin'. '

"'But s'ppose, ' argues Tutt, 'these Red Dog crim'nals wakes up to itthat this yere Spellin' Book Ben's a ringer?'

"'In that event, ' declar's Texas, 'we retorts by beltin' 'em over theheads with our guns. Be they, as guests, to go dictatin' terms tous?'

"'Not onless they're tired of life, ' says Boggs. 'While I can't spellnone to speak of, seein' my Missouri youth is more or less neglectedby my folks, showin' some Red Dog felon whar he's in wrong is ducksoup to me. In a play like that I sees my way triumphant. '

"'Shore!' Texas insists, mighty confident; 'let Red Dog wag one feebley'ear, an' we buffaloes it into instant submission. '

"'They can't make no objections stick, ' Enright observes, afterthinkin' things over. 'This Spellin' Book Ben person'll be workin' forArmstrong, an' that, as the Doc says, makes him a _pro tem. _ citizenof the camp. As sech he's plumb legit'mate. Red Dog couldn't lower itshorns at him as a hold-out, even if it would. '

"It's settled, an' from then on thar's nothin' talked of but spellin'schools. We issues our deefiance, Peets b'arin' the same, an' Red Dogpromptly calls our bluff. Regyardin' themselves as entrenched in thatgifted Wells-Fargo book-keep, they're mighty eager for the fray. The_baile_ is set two weeks away, with Peets to hold the spellin' book. 

"After the time is fixed Monte comes squanderin' along an' getsEnright to move it one day further on. 

"'Because, Sam, ' the old sot urges, puffin' out his chest like heamounts to somethin', 'that partic'lar evenin' you pitches upon I'llbe at the other end of the route, an' I proposes to get in on thisyere contest some myse'f. '

"'You?' says Boggs, who overhears him, an' is nacherally astonishedan' contempchoous at Monte's nerve. 'Whatever be you-all talkin'about? You can't spell none no more than me. The first word the Docnames'll make you look like a pig at church. '

"'All the same'--for Monte's been drinkin', an' allers gets stubbornin direct proportion to what licker he tucks onder his belt--'all thesame, Dan, as to this yere spellin', I proposes to ask for kyards. Even if I ain't no Bach'lor of Arts, so long as the Doc don't firenothin' at me worse'n words of one syllable, an' don't send 'em alongfaster than two at a clatter, your Uncle Monte'll get thar, collarscreakin', chains a-rattlin', with both hoofs. '

[Illustration: "ONLESS GIRLS IS BARRED, " DECLARES FARO NELL, FROM HERPERCH ON THE CHAIR "I'VE A NOTION TO TAKE A HAND. " p. 337. ]

"Red Dog not only accepts our challenge, but gets that brash it offersto bet. Shore, we closes with the prop'sition. It ain't no part of ourcivic economy to let Red Dog get by with anything. I reckons, up oneside an' down the other, we puts up the price of eight hundred steers. Texas and Boggs simply goes all spraddled out at it, while Cherokeecalls down one eboolient Red Dog specyoolator for three thousanddollars. It's Wolfville ag'inst Red Dog, the roole to govern, 'Missan' out!'

"The excitement even reaches the gentler sect. 

"'Which onless girls is barred, ' declar's Nell, speakin' from herlookout cha'r the second evenin' before the spellin' school is held, 'I've a notion to take a hand. '

"'It wouldn't be a squar' deal, Nellie, ' says Texas. 'With you in, everybody'd miss a-purpose. '

"'I don't see why none, ' says Nell. 

"'For two reasons; first, because you're dazzlin'ly beautiful; an', second, because Cherokee's too good a shot. '

"'Shore, ' says Boggs, plantin' a stack of reds open on the high kyard. 'Them contestants'd all lay down to you, Nellie. You certainly don'treckon Cherokee'd set thar, him all framed up with a Colt's . 45, an'be that ongallant as to permit some clown to spell you down?'

"Nell don't insist, an' the turn fallin' 'king-jack, ' she nacherallymoves Boggs's reds to the check-rack. 

"On the great evenin' Red Dog comes surgin' in upon us, snortin' an'prancin' an' pitchin'. Which it certainly is a confident band ofprairie dogs. Wolfville's organized and ready, Armstrong's Spellin'Book Ben party havin' come over from El Paso three days prior. 

"Seein' how mighty se'f-possessed them Red Dogs feel, Boggs begins togrow nervous. 

"'You don't reckon, Dave, ' says he, speakin' to Tutt, 'that themmiscreents has got anything up their sleeve?--any little thing like aace buried?'

"'Which they wouldn't dare. Also, since you brings the matter up, Dan, I now gives notice that for myse'f I shall regyard success on theirpart as absoloote proof of perfidy. That settled, I sacks that hamletof Red Dog, an' plows an' sows its deboshed site with salt. '

"'That's the talk!' says Boggs. 'Let 'em win once, an' you an' me, Dave, 'll caper over in our individyooal capac'ty, an' lay waste thatRed Dog hamlet if it's the last act of our lives. '

"The spellin' school is schedjooled for the r'ar wareroom of the NooYork store, whar the Stranglers convenes. All Red Dog is thar, dressed up like a hoss, their Wells-Fargo book-keep in their exultantmidst. Enright calls the meetin' to order with the butt of hissix-shooter; our old warchief allers uses his gun as a gavel thata-way, as lookin' more offishul. Also, since the dooty of apresidin' officer is to preserve order, it's in line to begin with ashow--not too ondecorous--of force. 

"Enright states the object of the gatherin', an' Peets, spellin' bookin hand, swings into the saddle an' in a moment is off at a road gait. The words falls thick an' sharp, like the crackin' of a rifle. Whichthey shore does thin out them contestants plenty rapid! Boggs goesdown before 'Theery, ' spellin' it with a extra 'e. ' Tutt lasts throughthree fires, but is sent curlin' like a shot jack-rabbit by 'Epitaph, 'which he ends with a 'f. ' Texas dies on 'Definite, ' bein' misled bywhat happens to Tutt into introdoocin' tharin a sooperfluous 'ph. '

"'I ain't none astonished, ' Texas says sadly, when Peets informs himthat he's in the diskyard; 'since ever my former Laredo wife acquiresthat divorce, together with al'mony an' the reestoration of her maidenname, the same bein' Suggs, I ain't been the onerrin' speller I oncewas. '

"Cherokee has luck, an' lasts for quite a time. It's the 'leventh wordthat fetches him. An' at that thar's a heap to be said on the side ofCherokee. 

"The word's 'Capitol, ' as Peets lets it fly. 

"'C-a-p-i-t-a-l, ' spells Cherokee. 

"'Dead bird!' Peets says, plenty sententious. 

"'Whatever kind o' capital?'

"'Capitol of a State. '

"'Then I misonderstands you. Which I takes it you're referrin' to abankroll. '

"The Doc, however, is obdoorate, an' Cherokee shoves back. 

"'I think, ' says Nell, whisperin' to Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie, who, with little Enright Peets, is off to one side--'I think the Doc'sa mighty sight too contracted in his scope. '

"Monte falls by the wayside on 'Scenery, ' an' is that preepost'roushe starts to give Peets an argyooment. Monte spells it 'Seenry. '

"'Whar do you-all get your licence, Doc, ' he demands, when Peets tellshim how it's spelled, 'to jam in that misfit "c"? Me havin' drovestage for twenty years, I've seen as much scenery as any gent present, an' should shore know how it's spelled. Scenery is what you sees. "S-e-e" spells see; an' tharfore I contends that "S-e-e-n-r-y" spellsscenery. That "c" you springs on us, Doc, is a solecism, an' as muchout of place as a cow on a front porch. '

"Enright raps Monte down. '"Scenery" is spelled any way which the Docsays, ' declar's Enright, his eye some severe, 'an' I trusts no gent'llcompel the cha'r to take measures. '

"'Say no more, ' responds Monte, plenty humble and prompt. 'What Iurges is only to 'licit information. I still thinks, however, thatonder the gen'ral wellfare clause of the constitootion, an' with anonfenced alphabet to pick an' choose from, a sport ought to have theinalienable right to spell things the way he likes. Otherwise, whatever is the use of callin' this a free country? If a gent's to becompelled to spell scenery with a fool "c, " I asks you why wasYorktown an' wharfore Bunker Hill?'

"Monte, havin' thus onloaded, reetires to the r'ar, coverin' hischagrin by hummin' a stanzy or two from the well-known ditty, 'Bill, of Smoky Hill. '

 Bill driv three spans of hosses, An' when Injuns hove in sight, He'd holler "Fellers, give 'em hell! I ain't got time to fight. "

 But he chanced one time to run ag'in A bullet made of lead, An' when they brung Bill into town, A bar'l of tears was shed. 

"While Texas an' Boggs an' Tutt an' Cherokee an' Monte an' the rest ofthe Wolfville outfit is fallin' like November's leaves, them Red Dogbandits is fadin' jest as fast. If anything, they're fadin' faster. They're too p'lite or too proodent to cavil at the presence ofSpellin' Book Ben, an' by third drink time after we starts thar's nogents left standin' except that Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp for RedDog, an' Spellin' Book for us. It's give an' take between 'em formebby one hundred words, an' neither so much as stubs his orthographictoe. 

"The evenin' w'ars into what them poets calls the 'small hours. 'Missis Rucker is wearily battin' her eyes, while little Enright Peetsis snorin' guinea-pig snores in Tucson Jennie's lap. 

"Thar comes a pause for Black Jack to pass the refreshments, an' Nelltakes advantage of the lull. 

"'Hopin' no one, ' says Nell, 'will think us onp'lite, we ladies willretire. Jedgin' from the way little Enright Peets sounds, not tomention how I feels or Missis Rucker looks, it's time we weakervessels hits the blankets. '

"'Yes, indeed, ' adds Missis Rucker, smothering a yawn with her hand;'I'd certainly admire to stay a whole lot, but rememberin' the hour Ithinks, like Nellie, that we-all ladies better pull our freight. '

"Enright settin' the example, we gents stands up while the ladieswithdraws, little Enright Peets bein' drug along between Nell an'Tucson Jennie plumb inert. 

"Peets resoomes his word-callin', an' them two heroes spells on for ahour longer. 

"At last, however, the Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp commences to turnshaky; the pressure's beginnin' to tell. As for Spellin' Book Ben, he's as steady as a church. 

"'By the grave of Moses, Dan, ' Tutt whispers to Boggs, 'that Red Dogimposter's on the brink of a stampede. '

"Peets gives out 'colander'; it's Spellin' Book Ben's turn. As hestarts to whirl his verbal loop the Red Dog adept whips out his gun, an' jams it ag'inst Spellin' Book's ribs. 

"'Spell it with a "u, "' says the Red Dog sharp, 'or I'll shore sendyou shoutin' home to heaven! Which I've stood all of your dad-bingederyoodition my nerves is calk'lated to endoore. '

"Spellin' Book Ben's game, game as yaller wasps. With the cold muzzleof that book-keep murderer's hint to the onconverted pushin' into hisside, he never flickers. 

"'C-o, ' he begins. 

"But that's as far as he ever gets. Thar's a dull roar, an' poreSpellin' Book comes slidin' from his learned perch. It's done soquick that not even Jack Moore has time to hedge a stack down theother way. 

"'It's too late, Doc, ' says pore Spellin' Book, as Peets stoops overhim; 'he gets me all right. ' Then he rolls a gen'ral eye on all. 'Gents, ' he says, 'don't send my remainder back to El Paso. Boot Hilldoes me. '

"Them's Spellin' Book's last words, an' they does him proud. 

"It's the Lightnin' Bug who grabs the murderin' book-keep sharp, an'takes his gun away. Then he swings him before Enright. 

"'He's your pris'ner, ' says the Red Dog chief, actin' for his outfit, an' Enright bows his acknowledgments. 

"Son, it's a lesson to see them two leaders of men. Enright nevershows up nobler, an' you can wager your bottom peso that the Red Dogchief is a long shot from bein' a slouch. 

"Jack Moore takes the Wells-Fargo book-keep homicide in charge, whileEnright, who declar's that jestice to be effectyooal must be swift, says that onless shown reason he'll convene the committee at once. Headds, likewise, that it'll be kindly took if the Red Dog chief, an'what members of his triboonal is present, will b'ar their part. 

"In all p'liteness, the Red Dog chief deeclines. 

"'This is your joorisdiction, ' he says, 'an' we Red Dogs can onlyreturn the compliment which your su'gestion implies by asshorin'you-all of our advance confidence in the rectitoode of what jedgmentsyou inflicts. '

"'Speak your piece, ' says Enright to the Wells-Fargo book-keepculprit, when stood up before him by Moore. 'Whatever prompts you toblow out this Spellin' Book Ben's candle that a-way?'

"'Let me say, ' exclaims the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer, an' hismanner is some torrid, 'that I has five hundred dollars bet on thisyere contest----'

"'That is a question, ' interrupts Enright, suave but plenty firm, 'which will doubtless prove interestin' to your execooter. This, however, is not the time nor place. I asks ag'in, whatever is yourreason for shovin' this yere expert in orthography from shore?'

"'Do you-all think, ' returns the Wells-Fargo murderer, 'that I'llabide to see a obscoority like him outspell me?--me, who's theleadin' speller of eight States and two territories, an' never scoresless than sixty-five out of a poss'ble fifty? Which I'd sooner die. '

"'So you'd sooner die?' repeats Enright, as cold an' dark an' short asa November day. 'Well, most folks don't get their sooners in thisworld, but it looks a heap like you will!' Turnin' to Moore, he goeson: 'Our friends from Red Dog'll hold your captive, Jack, whileyou-all goes rummagin' over to the corral an' gets a rope, thecommittee havin' come onprovided. '

"Moore gives the Wells-Fargo homicide to the Red-Dog chief, an'tharupon, we Stranglers bein' ready to go into execyootive session, all hands except Enright an' the committee steps outside. We're inconfab mebby it's ten minutes, an' Enright has jest approved ayoonanimous vote in favor of hangin', when thar's a modest tap at thedoor. 

"It's the Lightnin' Bug. 

"'It ain't, ' he says, when we asks his mission, 'that we-all aims todisturb your deelib'rations none, gents, but the chief'd like toborry Doc Peets for five minutes to say a few words over the corpse. '

"Upon this yere hint we-all gambols forth, an' finds what's left ofthe Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer adornin' the windmill. Thar's whartheir del'cacy comes in; that's how them Red Dogs saves us from adisagree'ble dooty. 

"We plants Spellin' Book Ben on Boot Hill as per that sufferer's lastrequest, an' Red Dog graces the obsequies to a man. Thar Spellin' Booklies to-day; an' the story of his ontoward takin' off, as told on thattombstone conj'intly erected as aforesaid by Wolfville an' Red Dog, isanyooally read by scores of devotees of learnin' who, bar'-headed an'mournful, comes as pilgrims to his grave. "

THE END

"THE ART OF THE PHOTOPLAY" is a condensed textbook of the technicalknowledge necessary for the preparation and sale of motion picturescenarios. More than 35, 000 photoplays are produced annually in the UnitedStates. The work of staff-writers is insufficient. Free-lance writers havegreater opportunities than ever before, for the producing companies cannot secure enough good comedies and dramas for their needs. The firstedition of this book met with unusual success. Its author, now theDirector General of Productions for the Beaux Arts Film Corporation, isthe highest paid scenario writer in the world, as well as being asuccessful producing manager. Among his successes were the scenarios forthe spectacular productions: "Robin Hood, " "The Squaw Man, " "The Banker'sDaughter, " "The Fire King, " "Checkers, " "The Curse of Cocaine" and "TheKentucky Derby. "

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