FANTASTIC FABLES BY AMBROSE BIERCE AUTHOR OF "TALES OF SOLDIERS AND CIVILIANS, " "CAN SUCH THINGS BE?" "BLACKBEETLES IN AMBER, " ETC. G. P. PUTNAM'S SONSNEW YORK AND LONDONThe Knickerbocker Press _1899_ Contents: The Moral Principle and the Material Interest The Crimson Candle The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine The Ingenious Patriot Two Kings An Officer and a Thug The Conscientious Official How Leisure Came The Moral Sentiment The Politicians The Thoughtful Warden The Treasury and the Arms The Christian Serpent The Broom of the Temple The Critics The Foolish Woman Father and Son The Discontented Malefactor A Call to Quit The Man and the Lightning The Lassoed Bear The Ineffective Rooter A Protagonist of Silver The Holy Deacon A Hasty Settlement The Wooden Guns The Reform School Board The Poet's Doom The Noser and the Note The Cat and the King The Literary Astronomer The Lion and the Rattlesnake The Man with No Enemies The Alderman and the Raccoon The Flying-Machine The Angel's Tear The City of Political Distinction The Party Over There The Poetess of Reform The Unchanged Diplomatist An Invitation The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky The Opossum of the Future The Life-Savers The Australian Grasshopper The Pavior The Tried Assassin The Bumbo of Jiam The Two Poets The Thistles upon the Grave The Shadow of the Leader The Sagacious Rat The Member and the Soap Alarm and Pride A Causeway Two in Trouble The Witch's Steed The All Dog The Farmer's Friend Physicians Two The Overlooked Factor A Racial Parallel The Honest Cadi The Kangaroo and the Zebra A Matter of Method The Man of Principle The Returned Californian The Compassionate Physician Two of the Damned The Austere Governor Religions of Error The Penitent Elector The Tail of the Sphinx A Prophet of Evil The Crew of the Life-boat A Treaty of Peace The Nightside of Character The Faithful Cashier The Circular Clew The Devoted Widow The Hardy Patriots The Humble Peasant The Various Delegation The No Case A Harmless Visitor The Judge and the Rash Act The Prerogative of Might An Inflated Ambition Rejected Services The Power of the Scalawag At Large--One Temper The Seeker and the Sought His Fly-Speck Majesty The Pugilist's Diet The Old Man and the Pupil The Deceased and his Heirs The Politicians and the Plunder The Man and the Wart The Divided Delegation A Forfeited Right Revenge An Optimist A Valuable Suggestion Two Footpads Equipped for Service The Basking Cyclone At the Pole The Optimist and the Cynic The Poet and the Editor The Taken Hand An Unspeakable Imbecile A Needful War The Mine Owner and the Jackass The Dog and the Physician The Party Manager and the Gentleman. The Legislator and the Citizen The Rainmaker The Citizen and the Snakes Fortune and the Fabulist A Smiling Idol Philosophers Three The Boneless King Uncalculating Zeal A Transposition The Honest Citizen A Creaking Tail Wasted Sweets Six and One The Sportsman and the Squirrel The Fogy and the Sheik At Heaven's Gate The Catted Anarchist The Honourable Member The Expatriated Boss An Inadequate Fee The Judge and the Plaintiff The Return of the Representative A Statesman Two Dogs Three Recruits The Mirror Saint and Sinner An Antidote A Weary Echo The Ingenious Blackmailer A Talisman The Ancient Order A Fatal Disorder The Massacre A Ship and a Man Congress and the People The Justice and His Accuser The Highwayman and the Traveller The Policeman and the Citizen The Writer and the Tramps Two Politicians The Fugitive Office The Tyrant Frog The Eligible Son-in-Law The Statesman and the Horse An AErophobe The Thrift of Strength The Good Government The Life-Saver The Man and the Bird From the Minutes Three of a Kind The Fabulist and the Animals A Revivalist Revived The Debaters Two of the Pious The Desperate Object The Appropriate Memorial A Needless Labour A Flourishing Industry The Self-Made Monkey The Patriot and the Banker The Mourning Brothers The Disinterested Arbiter The Thief and the Honest Man The Dutiful Son Aesopus Emendatus The Cat and the Youth The Farmer and His Sons Jupiter and the Baby Show The Man and the Dog The Cat and the Birds Mercury and the Woodchopper The Fox and the Grapes The Penitent Thief The Archer and the Eagle Truth and the Traveller The Wolf and the Lamb The Lion and the Boar The Grasshopper and the Ant The Fisher and the Fished The Farmer and the Fox Dame Fortune and the Traveller The Victor and the Victim The Wolf and the Shepherds The Goose and the Swan The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass The Snake and the Swallow The Wolves and the Dogs The Hen and the Vipers A Seasonable Joke The Lion and the Thorn The Fawn and the Buck The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk The Wolf and the Babe The Wolf and the Ostrich The Herdsman and the Lion The Man and the Viper The Man and the Eagle The War-horse and the Miller The Dog and the Reflection The Man and the Fish-horn The Hare and the Tortoise Hercules and the Carter The Lion and the Bull The Man and his Goose The Wolf and the Feeding Goat Jupiter and the Birds The Lion and the Mouse The Old Man and his Sons The Crab and his Son The North Wind and the Sun The Mountain and the Mouse The Bellamy and the Members Old Saws with New Teeth The Wolf and the Crane The Lion and the Mouse The Hares and the Frogs The Belly and the Members The Piping Fisherman The Ants and the Grasshopper The Dog and His Reflection The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox The Ass and the Lion's Skin The Ass and the Grasshoppers The Wolf and the Lion The Hare and the Tortoise The Milkmaid and Her Bucket King Log and King Stork The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion The Monkey and the Nuts The Boys and the Frogs The Moral Principle and the Material Interest . . . A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for butone. "Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me passover you!" The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without sayinganything. "Ah, " said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to seewhich shall retire till the other has crossed. " The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwaveringstare. "In order to avoid a conflict, " the Moral Principle resumed, somewhatuneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me. " Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidenceit was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking, " itsaid. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Supposeyou get off into the water. " It occurred that way. The Crimson Candle A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside andsaid: "I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof ofyour affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, amarried man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swearthat he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk youwill find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest andhas a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is inexistence you will not remarry. " The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at thehead of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wastedentirely away. The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said: "Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that thespots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendantof the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things. " When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose andsaid: "Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approvalthe explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarkson my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancientenemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made ofthe fur of the _Mustela maculata_, which is dirty from birth. " The Ingenious Patriot Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled apaper from his pocket, saying: "May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructingarmour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted inthe Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and thereforeinvincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in itfor a million tumtums. " After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him anorder on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for amillion tumtums. "And here, " said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper fromanother pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperorof Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throneand person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price isone million tumtums. " Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand intostill another pocket, remarking: "The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, yourMajesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively avertedby my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new--" The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach. "Search this man, " he said, "and report how many pockets he has. " "Forty-three, Sire, " said the Great Head Factotum, completing thescrutiny. "May it please your Majesty, " cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, "one of them contains tobacco. " "Hold him up by the ankles and shake him, " said the King; "then give hima check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decreeissue declaring ingenuity a capital offence. " Two Kings The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King ofBornegascar, wrote him as follows: "Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of yourMinister from my capital. " Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascarreplied: "I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediatelyretract your demand I shall withdraw him!" This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to complyhe fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment. An Officer and a Thug A Chief of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was veryindignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal. "Don't be too hard on me, " said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating himwith a stuffed club. " "Nevertheless, " persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty thatmust have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please donot repeat it. " "But, " said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug. " In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrustout his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at thearm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffedChief of Police. The Conscientious Official While a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to hisbusiness of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with theswitches he received word that the President of the road was about todischarge him for incompetency. "Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division thanon all the rest of the line. " "The President is very particular, " said the Man who brought him thenews; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less damageto the company's property. " "Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails. "Does he take me for an assassin?" How Leisure Came A Man to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in orderto catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and wasreading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-forkinto his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. Inbuying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced himto poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life byfishing from the end of a wharf. The Moral Sentiment A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was carrying ahat-box. "What have you in the hat-box, my friend?" inquired thePugilist. "A new frown, " was the answer. "I am bringing it from the frownery--theone over there with the gilded steeple. " "And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?" the Pugilistasked. "Put down pugilism--if I have to wear it night and day, " said the MoralSentiment of the Community, sternly. "That's right, " said the Pugilist, "that is right, my good friend; ifpugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind of Noseto-day. I had a rattling hot fight last evening with--" "Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with suddenanimation. "Which licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and tell me allabout it!" The Politicians An Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through abeautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City ofProsperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed bythe songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, hisimagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palaces inthe distance on either hand, the Young Politician said: "Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading, thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn our backs upon duty andabandon ourselves to the delights and advantages which beckon from everygrove and call to us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt, follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-boardsaying, 'Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of PoliticalDistinction. '" "It is a beautiful path, my son, " said the Old Politician, without eitherslackening his pace or turning his head, "and it leadeth among pleasantscenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is besetwith one mighty peril. " "What is that?" said the Young Politician. "The peril of finding it, " the Old Politician replied, pushing on. The Thoughtful Warden The Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors ofall the cells when a mechanic said to him: "Those locks can all be opened from the inside--you are very imprudent. " The Warden did not look up from his work, but said: "If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called a thoughtfulprovision against the vicissitudes of fortune. " The Treasury and the Arms A Public Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed: "Mr. Shareman, I move for a division. " "You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech, " saidthe Two Arms. "Yes, " replied the Public Treasury, "I am familiar with the hauls oflegislation. " The Christian Serpent A Rattlesnake came home to his brood and said: "My children, gather aboutand receive your father's last blessing, and see how a Christian dies. " "What ails you, Father?" asked the Small Snakes. "I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal, " was the reply, accompanied by the ominous death-rattle. The Broom of the Temple The city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of theprovince of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all themale residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence. The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a friedjackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed bythe Wampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion ofcloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buriedalive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over theremains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol berubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of hisleg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said: "High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentivelyto all the plans proposed. All seem wise, and I do not suffer myself todoubt that any one of them would be efficacious. Nevertheless, I cannothelp thinking that if we would put an improved breed of polliwogs in ourdrinking water, construct shallower roadways, groom the street cows, offer the stranger within our gates a free choice between the poniard andthe potion, and relinquish our private system of morals, the othermeasures of public safety would be needless. " The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informallyadjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple--for the men ofGakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province. The last speakerwas the broom. The Critics While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of hisbeauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympusto woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusaon it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stonefrom catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascended to ask Jove torestore him; but before this could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passedthat way and espied him. "This is a very bad Apollo, " said the Sculptor: "the chest is too narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other. The attitudeis unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see mystatue of Antinous. " "In my judgment, the figure, " said the Critic, "is tolerably good, thoughrather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, andtherefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'TheFallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?" The Foolish Woman A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away, procured a pistol and shot him dead. "Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by. "Because, " replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and hadpurchased a ticket to Chicago. " "My sister, " said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop thewicked from going to Chicago by killing them. " Father and Son "My boy, " said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hottemper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angryyou will count one hundred before you move or speak. " No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from thepaternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to seventy-fivehad the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a waiting cab and whirlaway. The Discontented Malefactor A Judge having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceedingto point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit ofreformation. "Your Honour, " said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kindenough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary andnothing else?" "Why, " said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!" "Yes, I know, " assented the Malefactor--"three years' imprisonment andthe preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching. " A Call to Quit Seeing that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Ministerof the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpitstairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. Hethen remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed hisdiscourse, making no allusion to the incident. "Now, " said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, alarge attendance and no snoring. " But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of theChurch, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the NewTheology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospelinterpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They hadtherefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-RenownedHindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's circus. Theywere happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved by theSpirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing Sabbath would break thebread of life for the brethren or break his neck in the attempt. The Man and the Lightning A Man Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning. "You see, " said the Lightning, as it crept past him inch by inch, "I cantravel considerably faster than you. " "Yes, " the Man Running for Office replied, "but think how much longer Ikeep going!" The Lassoed Bear A Hunter who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself from therope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, for the Bear wasall the time pulling in the slack with his paws. In the midst of histrouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, and managed to attract hisattention. "What will you give me, " he said, "for my Bear?" "It will be some five or ten minutes, " said the Showman, "before I shallwant a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall during thattime. I think I'll wait and watch the market. " "The price of this animal, " the Hunter replied, "is down to bed-rock; youcan have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll throw in the nextone that I lasso. But the purchaser must remove the goods from thepremises forthwith, to make room for three man-eating tigers, acat-headed gorilla, and an armful of rattlesnakes. " But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and beingjoined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking his teeth, itwas inferred that they were not unacquainted. The Ineffective Rooter A Drunken Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose, upon which hehad fallen, when a Pig passed that way. "You wallow fairly well, " said the Pig, "but, my fine fellow, you havemuch to learn about rooting. " A Protagonist of Silver Some Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth becausethe Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to "inaugurate" aseason of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a Member of theirhonourable and warlike body: "Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but regard itas singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and sympathy aredesignated by nature as the champions of that fairest of her products, the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, be engaged mostly in thebusiness of mining it. Nothing could be more appropriate than that thosewho from unselfish motives and elevated sentiments are doing battle forthe people's rights and interests, should themselves be the chiefbeneficiaries of success. Therefore, O children of the earthquake andthe storm, let us stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and pocketto pocket!" This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that, actuatedby a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and left the hall. Itwas the first time they had ever been known to leave anything havingvalue. The Holy Deacon An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard forseveral hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church: "Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear fruitabundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have onefourth. " The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket waited tillthe congregation was dismissed and said goodnight. "But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said theItinerant Preacher. "Nothing is coming to you, " was the reply; "the Adversary has hardenedtheir hearts, and one fourth is all they gave. " A Hasty Settlement "Your Honour, " said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present status ofthis case--as far as it has gone?" "I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will, " saidthe Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questionsrelating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate inlitigation has been settled, with all controversies, disputes, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto appertaining. " "Ah, yes, I see, " said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are makingprogress--we are getting on famously. " "Progress?" echoed the Judge--"progress? Why, sir, the matter isconcluded!" "Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give relevancy tothe motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I move that thejudgment of the Court be set aside and the case reopened. " "Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise. "Upon the ground, " said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees andexpenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there willstill be something left. " "There may have been an error, " said His Honour, thoughtfully--"the Courtmay have underestimated the value of the estate. The motion is takenunder advisement. " The Wooden Guns An Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor forwooden guns to practise with. "Those, " they explained, "will be cheaper than real ones. " "It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy, " said theGovernor. "You shall have real guns. " "Thank you, thank you, " cried the warriors, effusively. "We will takegood care of them, and in the event of war return them to the arsenal. " The Reform School Board The members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected ofappointing female teachers for an improper consideration, the peopleelected a Board composed wholly of women. In a few years the scandal wasat an end; there were no female teachers in the Department. The Poet's Doom An Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in meditation andwith little else on, when he suddenly found himself at the gates of astrange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested as anecessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King. "Who are you, " said the King, "and what is your business in life?" "Snouter the Sneak, " replied the Object, with ready invention;"pick-pocket. " The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime Ministersuggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined. They were foundgreatly flattened and calloused at the ends. "Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so!--he is addicted to countingsyllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High Dissuaderfrom the Head Habit. " "My liege, " said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, "Iventure to suggest a keener affliction. "Name it, " the King said. "Let him retain that head!" It was so ordered. The Noser and the Note The Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to bevisited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal notefor a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching his guitar, awaited the inspection. When the Noser came to the note he asked, "What's this?" "That, " said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of ourliabilities. " "A liability?" exclaimed the Noser. "Nay, nay, an asset. That is whatyou mean, doubtless. " "Therein you err, " the Pocketer explained; "that note was written in thebank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid a stationerybill for six months. " "Ah, I see, " the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability. May I askhow you expect to meet it?" "With fortitude, please God, " answered the Assistant Pocketer, his eyesto Heaven raising--"with fortitude and a firm reliance on the laxity ofthe law. " "Enough, enough, " exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, chokingwith emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency. " "And here is a bottle of ink, " the grateful financier said, slipping itinto the other's pocket; "it is all that we have. " The Cat and the King A Cat was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb. "Well, " said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, "how do you like me?" "I can imagine a King, " said the Cat, "whom I should like better. " "For example?" "The King of the Mice. " The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave herpermission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out. The Literary Astronomer The Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a four-columnaccount of the event. "How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from hisessay on the circularity of the political horizon. "One hundred and sixty dollars, " replied the man who had discovered themoon. "Not half enough, " was the Editor's comment. "Generous man!" cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and elevatedsentiments, "pay me, then, what you will. " "Great and good friend, " said the Editor, blandly, looking up from hiswork, "we are far asunder, it seems. The paying is to be done by you. " The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went away, explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot an m. The Lion and the Rattlesnake A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by thepower of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged infascinating a small bird. "How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the otherreptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion. "Admirably, " replied the serpent. "My success is assured; my victimdraws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts. " "And mine, " said the Man, "draws nearer and nearer in spite of mine. Areyou sure it is all right?" "If you don't think so, " the reptile replied as well as he then could, with his mouth full of bird, "you better give it up. " A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with hisclaws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his variedexperience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to give itup. "But, " he added, with a wide, significant smile, "I looked him intocountenance. " The Man with No Enemies An Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was assaulted by aStranger with a Club, and severely beaten. When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial, the complainant saidto the Judge: "I do not know why I was assaulted; I have not an enemy in the world. " "That, " said the defendant, "is why I struck him. " "Let the prisoner be discharged, " said the Judge; "a man who has noenemies has no friends. The courts are not for such. " The Alderman and the Raccoon "I see quite a number of rings on your tail, " said an Alderman to aRaccoon that he met in a zoological garden. "Yes, " replied the Raccoon, "and I hear quite a number of tales on yourring. " The Alderman, being of a sensitive, retiring disposition, shrank fromfurther comparison, and, strolling to another part of the garden, stolethe camel. The Flying-Machine An Ingenious Man who had built a flying-machine invited a great concourseof people to see it go up. At the appointed moment, everything beingready, he boarded the car and turned on the power. The machineimmediately broke through the massive substructure upon which it wasbuilded, and sank out of sight into the earth, the aeronaut springing outbarely in time to save himself. "Well, " said he, "I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness of mydetails. The defects, " he added, with a look at the ruined brick-work, "are merely basic and fundamental. " Upon this assurance the people came forward with subscriptions to build asecond machine. The Angel's Tear An Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he loved, wasbewailing his indiscretion in sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses, whenthe Angel of Compassion looked down upon him, saying: "Poor mortal!--how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing atanother's misfortune!" So saying, he let fall a great tear, which, encountering in its descent acurrent of cold air, was congealed into a hail-stone. This struck theUnworthy Man on the head and set him rubbing that bruised organvigorously with one hand while vainly attempting to expand an umbrellawith the other. Thereat the Angel of Compassion did most shamelessly and wickedly laugh. The City of Political Distinction Jamrach the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of PoliticalDistinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and wasundecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking Personwho sat by the wayside. "Take _that_ road, " said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; "it isknown as the Political Highway. " "Thank you, " said Jamrach, and was about to proceed. "About how much do you thank me?" was the reply. "Do you suppose I amhere for my health?" As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to hisguide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a BenevolentGentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered to pass. A littlefarther along he came to a bridge across an imaginary stream, where aCivil Engineer (who had built the bridge) demanded something for intereston his investment, and it was forthcoming. It was growing late whenJamrach came to the margin of what appeared to be a lake of black ink, and there the road terminated. Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paidsomething for his passage and was about to embark. "No, " said the Ferryman. "Put your neck in this noose, and I will towyou over. It is the only way, " he added, seeing that the passenger wasabout to complain of the accommodations. In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfullybeslubbered by the feculent waters. "There, " said the Ferryman, haulinghim ashore and disengaging him, "you are now in the City of PoliticalDistinction. It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and as the colour ofthe Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look exactly alike. " "Alas!" exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all hispossessions, paid out in tips and tolls; "I will go back with you. " "I don't think you will, ", said the Ferryman, pushing off; "this city issituated on the Island of the Unreturning. " The Party Over There A Man in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer's, asked a Grave Personthe time of day. "I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question, " said the GravePerson. "What answer did he give you?" "He said it was about three o'clock, " replied the Man in a Hurry; "but hedid not look at his watch, and as the sun is nearly down, I think it islater. " "The fact that the sun is nearly down, " the Grave Person said, "isimmaterial, but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and makeanswer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal. The answergiven, " continued the Grave Person, consulting his own timepiece, "is ofno effect, invalid, and absurd. " "What, then, " said the Man in a Hurry, eagerly, "is the time of day?" "The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new answer, "replied the Grave Person, returning his watch to his pocket and movingaway with great dignity. He was a Judge of an Appellate Court. The Poetess of Reform One pleasant day in the latter part of eternity, as the Shades of all thegreat writers were reposing upon beds of asphodel and moly in the Elysianfields, each happy in hearing from the lips of the others nothing butcopious quotation from his own works (for so Jove had kindly bedeviledtheir ears), there came in among them with triumphant mien a Shade whomnone knew. She (for the newcomer showed such evidences of sex as croppedhair and a manly stride) took a seat in their midst, and smiling asuperior smile explained: "After centuries of oppression I have wrested my rights from the grasp ofthe jealous gods. On earth I was the Poetess of Reform, and sang toinattentive ears. Now for an eternity of honour and glory. " But it was not to be so, and soon she was the unhappiest of mortals, vainly desirous to wander again in gloom by the infernal lakes. For Jovehad not bedeviled her ears, and she heard from the lips of each blessedShade an incessant flow of quotation from his own works. Moreover, shewas denied the happiness of repeating her poems. She could not recall aline of them, for Jove had decreed that the memory of them abide inPluto's painful domain, as a part of the apparatus. The Unchanged Diplomatist The republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the courtof the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie, but one day theMadagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior rank of Dandee. Thenext day after being apprised of his new dignity he hastened to informthe King of Patagascar. "Ah, yes, I understand, " said the King; "you have been promoted and givenincreased pay and allowances. There was an appropriation?" "Yes, your Majesty. " "And you have now two heads, have you not?" "Oh, no, your Majesty--only one, I assure you. " "Indeed? And how many legs and arms?" "Two of each, Sire--only two of each. " "And only one body?" "Just a single body, as you perceive. " Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head, themonarch was silent a moment, and then he said: "I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied. You seem to be aboutthe same kind of idiot that you were before. " An Invitation A Pious Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way ofattesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which Heaven hadsent upon others, fell asleep at table and dreamed. He thought he livedin a country where turkeys were the ruling class, and every year theyheld a feast to manifest their sense of Heaven's goodness in sparingtheir lives to kill them later. One day, about a week before one ofthese feasts, he met the Supreme Gobbler, who said: "You will please get yourself into good condition for the Thanksgivingdinner. " "Yes, your Excellency, " replied the Pious Person, delighted, "I shallcome hungry, I assure you. It is no small privilege to dine with yourExcellency. " The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence; then he said: "As one of the lower domestic animals, you cannot be expected to knowmuch, but you might know something. Since you do not, you will permit meto point out that being asked to dinner is one thing; being asked to dineis another and a different thing. " With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him, andthenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and darkuntil rudely awakened by decapitation. The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky The two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at once incompany with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, an Inquiring Soul thought thetime propitious to learn something worth while. So he sat at the feet ofone awhile, and then he sat awhile at the feet of the other, and at lasthe applied his ear to the keyhole of the casket containing the Ashes ofMadame Blavatsky. When the Inquiring Soul had completed his course ofinstruction he declared himself the Ahkoond of Swat, fell into thebaleful habit of standing on his head, and swore that the mother who borehim was a pragmatic paralogism. Wherefore he was held in high reverence, and when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophistselected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body, and after a quietlife and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was reincarnatedas a Yellow Dog. As such he ate the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, andTheosophy was no more. The Opossum of the Future One day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest branchof a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree. "If I hold on, " he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let go Ishall break my neck. " But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble. "My perfected friend, " he said, "my parental instinct recognises in you anoble evidence and illustration of the theory of development. You arethe Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility--all tail!" But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history, wasstrictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view. The Life-Savers Seventy-Five Men presented themselves before the President of the HumaneSociety and demanded the great gold medal for life-saving. "Why, yes, " said the President; "by diligent effort so many men must havesaved a considerable number of lives. How many did you save?" "Seventy-five, sir, " replied their Spokesman. "Ah, yes, that is one each--very good work--very good work, indeed, " thePresident said. "You shall not only have the Society's great gold medal, but its recommendation for employment at the various life-boat stationsalong the coast. But how did you save so many lives?" The Spokesman of the Men replied: "We are officers of the law, and have just returned from the pursuit oftwo murderous outlaws. " The Australian Grasshopper A Distinguished Naturalist was travelling in Australia, when he saw aKangaroo in session and flung a stone at it. The Kangaroo immediatelyadjourned, tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic curve spanningseven provinces, and evanished below the horizon. The DistinguishedNaturalist looked interested, but said nothing for an hour; then he saidto his native Guide: "You have pretty wide meadows here, I suppose?" "No, not very wide, " the Guide answered; "about the same as in Englandand America. " After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said: "The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening--I shallexpect to find the stalks about fifty feet long. Am I right?" "Why, no, " said the Guide; "a foot or two is about the usual length ofour hay. What can you be thinking of?" The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply, but later, as inthe shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness of theGreat Lone Land, he broke the silence: "I was thinking, " he said, "of the uncommon magnitude of thatgrasshopper. " The Pavior An Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a street, and approaching him said: "My friend, you seem weary. Ambition is a hard taskmaster. " "I'm working for Mr. Jones, sir, " the Labourer replied. "Well, cheer up, " the Author resumed; "fame comes at the most unexpectedtimes. To-day you are poor, obscure, and disheartened, and to-morrow theworld may be ringing with your name. " "What are you giving me?" the Labourer said. "Cannot an honest paviorperform his work in peace, and get his money for it, and his living byit, without others talking rot about ambition and hopes of fame?" "Cannot an honest writer?" said the Author. The Tried Assassin An Assassin being put upon trial in a New England court, his Counsel roseand said: "Your Honour, I move for a discharge on the ground of 'once injeopardy': my client has been already tried for that murder andacquitted. " "In what court?" asked the Judge. "In the Superior Court of San Francisco, " the Counsel replied. "Let the trial proceed--your motion is denied, " said the Judge. "AnAssassin is not in jeopardy when tried in California. " The Bumbo of Jiam The Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were disputingabout an island which both claimed. Finally, at the suggestion of theInternational League of Cannon Founders, which had important branches inboth countries, they decided to refer their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam, and abide by his judgment. In settling the preliminaries of thearbitration they had, however, the misfortune to disagree, and appealedto arms. At the end of a long and disastrous war, when both sides wereexhausted and bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest ofpeace. "My great and good friends, " he said to his brother sovereigns, "it willbe advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more complex andperilous than others, presenting a greater number of points upon which itis possible to differ. For four generations your royal predecessorsdisputed about possession of that island, without falling out. Beware, oh, beware the perils of international arbitration!--against which I feelit my duty to protect you henceforth. " So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, andhappy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister. The Two Poets Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone ofContention, for they were very hungry. "My sons, " said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you. You, " hesaid to the First Poet, "excel in Art--take the Apple. And you, " he saidto the Second Poet, "in Imagination--take the Bone. " "To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, andendeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth. The Apple was awork of Art. "That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art, " said the Second Poet, grinning. Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed through itwithout resistance. It was an imaginary Bone. The Thistles upon the Grave A Mind Reader made a wager that he would be buried alive and remain sofor six months, then be dug up alive. In order to secure the graveagainst secret disturbance, it was sown with thistles. At the end ofthree months, the Mind Reader lost his money. He had come up to eat thethistles. The Shadow of the Leader A Political Leader was walking out one sunny day, when he observed hisShadow leaving him and walking rapidly away. "Come back here, you scoundrel, " he cried. "If I had been a scoundrel, " answered the Shadow, increasing its speed, "I should not have left you. " The Sagacious Rat A Rat that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a Catwaiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of the holeinvited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring corn-bin. "Iwould have gone alone, " he said, "but could not deny myself the pleasureof such distinguished company. " "Very well, " said the Friend, "I will go with you. Lead on. " "Lead?" exclaimed the other. "What! _I_ precede so great andillustrious a rat as you? No, indeed--after you, sir, after you. " Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately trottedaway with him. The other then went out unmolested. The Member and the Soap A Member of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was passing itby without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on stopping andshaking hands. Thinking it might possibly be in the enjoyment of theelective franchise, he gave it a cordial and earnest grasp. On lettingit go he observed that a portion of it adhered to his fingers, andrunning to a brook in great alarm he proceeded to wash it off. In doingso he necessarily got some on the other hand, and when he had finishedwashing, both were so white that he went to bed and sent for a physician. Alarm and Pride "Good-Morning, my friend, " said Alarm to Pride; "how are you thismorning?" "Very tired, " replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the waysideand mopping his steaming brow. "The politicians are wearing me out bypointing to their dirty records with _me_, when they could as well use astick. " Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said: "It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-glassthey view the acts of their opponents with _me_!" As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were notifiedthat they must go on duty again, for one of the political parties hadnominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification meeting. A Causeway A Rich Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the mud. "Madam, " said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you wouldsoil your shoes and stockings. " "Oh, that is of no importance, really, " replied the Rich Woman, with acheerful smile. "But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who crave the honourof having you walk upon them. " "In that case, " she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking hersatchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots. " Two in Trouble Meeting a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to beseechthe President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and begged twenty-five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes. "Melancholy wreck, " said the Statesman, "what brought you to this stateof degradation? Liquor, I suppose. " "I am temperate to the verge of absurdity, " replied the Tramp. "Myfoible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying toserve my country. What ruined you?" "Indolence. " The Witch's Steed A Broomstick which had long served a witch as a steed complained of thenature of its employment, which it thought degrading. "Very well, " said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you will beassociated with intellect--you will come in contact with brains. I shallpresent you to a housewife. " "What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a housewifeintellectual?" "I referred, " said the Witch, "to the head of her good man. " The All Dog A Lion seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous spectacle. "Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said. "It is very true, " said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I amsmall; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog. " The Farmer's Friend A Great Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection with thePresidency and had introduced a bill into Congress requiring theGovernment to loan every voter all the money that he needed, on hispersonal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school at a railway stationhow much he had done for the country, when an angel looked down fromHeaven and wept. "For example, " said the Great Philanthropist, watching the teardropspattering in the dust, "these early rains are of incalculable advantageto the farmer. " Physicians Two A Wicked Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who prescribedfor him and went away. Then the Wicked Old Man sent for anotherPhysician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely differenttreatment was ordered. This continued for some weeks, the physiciansvisiting him on alternate days and treating him for two differentdisorders, with constantly enlarging doses of medicine and more and morerigorous nursing. But one day they accidently met at his bedside whilehe slept, and the truth coming out a violent quarrel ensued. "My good friends, " said the patient, awakened by the noise of thedispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more reasonable. IfI could for weeks endure you both, can you not for a little while endureeach other? I have been well for ten days, but have remained in bed inthe hope of gaining by repose the strength that would justify me intaking your medicines. So far I have touched none of it. " The Overlooked Factor A Man that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate hadbred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, fell in lovewith his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family of dolts. "Alas!" he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, "had I butchosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my Dog Ishould now be a proud and happy father. " "I'm not so sure of that, " said the Dog, overhearing the lament. "There'sa difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but I venture toflatter myself that it is not due altogether to the mothers. You and Iare not entirely alike ourselves. " A Racial Parallel Some White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of anAmerican town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinesetongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an editorial. Itturned out to be an appeal to the people of the Province of Pang Ki todrive the foreign devils out of the country and burn their dwellings andchurches. At this evidence of Mongolian barbarity the White Christianswere so greatly incensed that they carried out their original design. The Honest Cadi A Robber who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of gold wastaken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to say why heshould not be decapitated. "Your Honour, " said the Robber, "I could do no otherwise than take themoney, for Allah made me that way. " "Your defence is ingenious and sound, " said the Cadi, "and I must acquityou of criminality. Unfortunately, Allah has made me so that I must alsotake off your head--unless, " he added, thoughtfully, "you offer me halfof the gold; for He made me weak under temptation. " Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the Cadi'shand. "Good, " said the Cadi. "I shall now remove but one half your head. Toshow my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half you talkwith. " The Kangaroo and the Zebra A Kangaroo hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed inher pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention uponhimself, said: "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the penitentiary. " "Appearances are deceitful, " replied the Zebra, smiling in theconsciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to thinkthat you had come out of the Legislature. " A Matter of Method A Philosopher seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said: "Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence shallsuffer from violence. " "That, " said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what I'mtrying to teach this beast--which has kicked me. " "Doubtless, " said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, "thewisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they really do seemto have a more impressive way of imparting it. " The Man of Principle During a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed a Manof Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, which had drawnitself up to its full height to sleep. "Why, my dear sir, " said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'dbetter creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo--the _Saltarixmackintosha_--for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you to death in aminute. " "I can't help that, " the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty scornof practical considerations distinguishing his species. "He may kick meto death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me shelter from thestorm. He has swallowed my umbrella. " The Returned Californian A Man was hanged by the neck until he was dead. "Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented himself atthe gate of Heaven. "From California, " replied the applicant. "Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings. " When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-tabletand made the following entry: "February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians. " The Compassionate Physician A Kind-Hearted Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient afflictedwith an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise behind him, andturning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of a wounded mouse todrag itself out of the room. "You cruel beast!" cried he. "Why don't you kill it at once, like alady?" Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mousecompassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head. Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-heartedPhysician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a nutrient, and wentaway. Two of the Damned Two Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a blastedheath in the light of a struggling moon. "I wish you a merry Christmas, " said the First Blighted Being, in a voicelike that of a singing tomb. "And I you a happy New Year, " responded the Second Blighted Being, withthe accent of a penitent accordeon. They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down eachother's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of IneffableBosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First of January, andthe other the Twenty-fifth of December. The Austere Governor A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardonhim. "What are you in for?" asked the Governor. "I held a high office, " the Convict humbly replied, "and sold subordinateappointments. " "Then I decline to interfere, " said the Governor, with asperity; "a manwho abuses his office by making it serve a private end and purvey apersonal advantage is unfit to be free. By the way, Mr. Warden, " headded to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in appointing you tothis position, I was given to understand that your friends could make theShikane county delegation to the next State convention solid for--for thepresent Administration. Was I rightly informed?" "You were, sir. " "Very well, then, I will bid you good-day. Please be so good as toappoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and Sisters. " Religions of Error Hearing a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his Dragomanthe cause of it. "The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats, " the Dragoman replied, with oriental composure. "I did not know, " remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, "thatthat would make so much noise. " "The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too, " added the Dragoman. "It is astonishing, " mused the Christian, "how violent and how generalare religious animosities. Everywhere in the world the devotees of eachlocal faith abhor the devotees of every other, and abstain from murderonly so long as they dare not commit it. And the strangest thing aboutit is that all religions are erroneous and mischievous excepting mine. Mine, thank God, is true and benign. " So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a brigade ofcutthroats to protect Christian interests. The Penitent Elector A Person belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of Respect forthe Memory of Deceased Members having died received the customaryattention. "Good Heavens!" exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the resolutionsread, "what a loss to the nation! And to think that I once voted againstthat angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in Public Squares!" In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political influenceby learning to read. The Tail of the Sphinx A Dog of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail: "Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you wag;when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger. You are toomercurial--you disclose all my emotions. My notion is that tails aregiven to conceal thought. It is my dearest ambition to be as impassiveas the Sphinx. " "My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your being, "replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the sentiments uttered, "and try to be great some other way. The Sphinx has one hundred andfifty qualifications for impassiveness which you lack. " "What are they?" the Dog asked. "One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail. " "And--?" "A stone tail. " A Prophet of Evil An Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a Spade, and asked him why he was not at work. "Because, " said the Man Leaning on a Spade, "I belong to theGravediggers' National Extortion Society, and we have decided to limitthe production of graves and get more money for the reduced output. Wehave a corner in graves and propose to work it to the best advantage. " "My friend, " said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust, "this is amost hateful and injurious scheme. If people cannot be assured ofgraves, I fear they will no longer die, and the best interests ofcivilisation will wither like a frosted leaf. " And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief, he walked away lamenting. The Crew of the Life-boat The Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch their life-boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered, but a littledistance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men clinging to her keel. "We are fortunate, " said the Gallant Crew, "to have seen that in time. Our fate might have been the same as theirs. " So they hauled the life-boat back into its house, and were spared to theservice of their country. A Treaty of Peace Through massacres of each other's citizens China and the United Stateshad been four times plunged into devastating wars, when, in the year1994, arose a Philosopher in Madagascar, who laid before the Governmentsof the two distracted countries the following _modus vivendi_: "Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore; but any citizen orsubject of either country disobeying the injunction is to detach thescalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with a local officerdesignated to receive and preserve them and sworn to keep and render atrue account thereof. At the conclusion of each massacre in eithercountry, or as soon thereafter as practicable, or at stated regularperiods, as may be provided by treaty, there shall be an exchange ofscalps between the two Governments, scalp for scalp, without regard tosex or age; the Government having the greatest number is to be taxed onthe excess at the rate of $1000 a scalp, and the other Governmentcredited with the amount. Once in every decade there shall be a generalsettlement, when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor nation inMexican dollars. " The plan was adopted, the necessary treaty made, with legislation tocarry out its provisions; the Madagascarene Philosopher took his seat inthe Temple of Immortality, and Peace spread her white wings over the twonations, to the unspeakable defiling of her plumage. The Nightside of Character A Gifted and Honourable Editor, who by practice of his profession hadacquired wealth and distinction, applied to an Old Friend for the hand ofhis daughter in marriage. "With all my heart, and God bless you!" said the Old Friend, grasping himby both hands. "It is a greater honour than I had dared to hope for. " "I knew what your answer would be, " replied the Gifted and HonourableEditor. "And yet, " he added, with a sly smile, "I feel that I ought togive you as much knowledge of my character as I possess. In this scrap-book is such testimony relating to my shady side, as I have within thepast ten years been able to cut from the columns of my competitors in thebusiness of elevating humanity to a higher plane of mind and morals--my'loathsome contemporaries. '" Laying the book on a table, he withdrew in high spirits to makearrangements for the wedding. Three days later he received the scrap-book from a messenger, with a note warning him never again to darken hisOld Friend's door. "See!" the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed, pointing to thatinjunction--"I am a painter and grainer!" And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet. The Faithful Cashier The Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors what hehad done with the money taken. "I am greatly surprised by such a question, " said the Cashier; "it soundsas if you suspected me of selfishness. Gentlemen, I applied that moneyto the purpose for which I took it; I paid it as an initiation fee andone year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of the Cashiers' MutualDefence Association. " "What is the object of that organisation?" the Directors inquired. "When any one of its members is under suspicion, " replied the Cashier, "the Association undertakes to clear his character by submitting evidencethat he was never a prominent member of any church, nor foremost inSunday-school work. " Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for itsofficers, the President drew his check for the amount of the shortage andthe Cashier was restored to favour. The Circular Clew A Detective searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted by aClew. "Follow me, " said the Clew, "and there's no knowing what you maydiscover. " So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousandsinuosities, and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue. "There!" said the Clew, pointing to the open register. The Detective eagerly scanned the page, and found an official statementthat the deceased was dead. Thereupon he hastened to Police Headquartersto report progress. The Clew, meanwhile, sauntered among the busy hauntsof men, arm in arm with an Ingenious Theory. The Devoted Widow A Widow weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an EngagingGentleman who, in a respectful manner, assured her that he had longentertained for her the most tender feelings. "Wretch!" cried the Widow. "Leave me this instant! Is this a time totalk to me of love?" "I assure you, madam, that I had not intended to disclose my affection, "the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained, "but the power of your beautyhas overcome my discretion. " "You should see me when I have not been crying, " said the Widow. The Hardy Patriots A Dispenser-Elect of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers thatapplicants for places would be given none until he should assume theduties of his office. "You are exposing yourself to a grave danger, " said a Lawyer. "How so?" the Dispenser-Elect inquired. "It will be nearly two months, " the Lawyer answered, "before the day thatyou mention. Few patriots can live so long without eating, and some ofthe applicants will be compelled to go to work in the meantime. If thatkills them, you will be liable to prosecution for murder. " "You underrate their powers of endurance, " the official replied. "What!" said the Lawyer, "you think they can stand work?" "No, " said the other--"hunger. " The Humble Peasant An Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington waswatering the homeward highway with his tears. "Ah, " he said, "how disastrous is ambition! how unsatisfying its rewards!how terrible its disappointments! Behold yonder peasant tilling hisfield in peace and contentment! He rises with the lark, passes the dayin wholesome toil, and lies down at night to pleasant dreams. In the madstruggle for place and power he has no part; the roar of the strifereaches his ear like the distant murmur of the ocean. Happy, thricehappy man! I will approach him and bask in the sunshine of his humblefelicity. Peasant, all hail!" Leaning upon his rake, the Peasant returned the salutation with a nod, but said nothing. "My friend, " said the Office Seeker, "you see before you the wreck of anambitious man--ruined by the pursuit of place and power. This morningwhen I set out from the national capital--" "Stranger, " the Peasant interrupted, "if you're going back there soonmaybe you wouldn't mind using your influence to make me Postmaster atSmith's Corners. " The traveller passed on. The Various Delegation The King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff, sentfor the Three Persons who had made the offer, and said to them: "I am extremely obliged to you, but before accepting so great aresponsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of Wayoff. " "Sire, " said the Spokesman of the Three Persons, "they stand before you. " "Indeed!" said the King; "are you, then, the people of Wayoff?" "Yes, your Majesty. " "There are not many of you, " the King said, attentively regarding themwith the royal eye, "and you are not so very large; I hardly think youare a quorum. Moreover, I never heard of you until you came here;whereas Wayoff is noted for the quality of its pork and contains hogs ofdistinction. I shall send a Commissioner to ascertain the sentiments ofthe hogs. " The Three Persons, bowing profoundly, backed out of the presence; butsoon afterward they desired another audience, and, on being readmitted, said, through their Spokesman: "May it please your Majesty, we are the hogs. " The No Case A Statesman who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was arrestedby a Sheriff and thrown into jail. As this was abhorrent to his finespiritual nature, he sent for the District Attorney and asked that thecase against him be dismissed. "Upon what grounds?" asked the District Attorney. "Lack of evidence to convict, " replied the accused. "Do you happen to have the lack with you?" the official asked. "I shouldlike to see it. " "With pleasure, " said the other; "here it is. " So saying he handed the other a check, which the District Attorneycarefully examined, and then pronounced it the most complete absence ofboth proof and presumption that he had ever seen. He said it wouldacquit the oldest man in the world. A Harmless Visitor At a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was discovered, writing in a note-book. A member directed the attention of the SuperbHigh Chairman to her, and she was asked to explain her presence there, and what she was doing. "I came in for my own pleasure and instruction, " she said, "and was sostruck by the wisdom of the speakers that I could not help making a fewnotes. " "Madam, " said the Superb High Chairman, "we have no objection to visitorsif they will pledge themselves not to publish anything they hear. Areyou--on your honour as a lady, now, madam--are you not connected withsome newspaper?" "Good gracious, no!" cried the Woman, earnestly. "Why, sir, I am anofficer of the Women's Press Association!" She was permitted to remain, and presented with resolutions of apology. The Judge and the Rash Act A Judge who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for infamousdistinction, but whom no litigant thought worth bribing, sat one day uponthe Bench, lamenting his hard lot, and threatening to put an end to hislife if business did not improve. Suddenly he found himself confrontedby a dreadful figure clad in a shroud, whose pallor and stony eyes smotehim with a horrible apprehension. "Who are you, " he faltered, "and why do you come here?" "I am the Rash Act, " was the sepulchral reply; "you may commit me. " "No, " the judge said, thoughtfully, "no, that would be quite irregular. Ido not sit to-day as a committing magistrate. " The Prerogative of Might A Slander travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous mission wasaccosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be killed. "Your career of mischief is at an end, " said the Retraction, drawing hisclub, rolling up his sleeves, and spitting on his hands. "Why should you slay me?" protested the Slander. "Whatever my intentionswere, I have been innocuous, for you have dogged my strides andcounteracted my influence. " "Dogged your grandmother!" said the Retraction, with contemptuousvulgarity of speech. "In the order of nature it is appointed that we twoshall never travel the same road. " "How then, " the Slander asked, triumphantly, "have you overtaken me?" "I have not, " replied the Retraction; "we have accidentally met. I cameround the world the other way. " But when he tried to execute his fell purpose he found that in the orderof nature it was appointed that he himself perish miserably in theencounter. An Inflated Ambition The President of a great Corporation went into a dry-goods shop and saw aplacard which read: "If You Don't See What You Want, Ask For It. " Approaching the shopkeeper, who had been narrowly observing him as heread the placard, he was about to speak, when the shopkeeper called to asalesman: "John, show this gentleman the world. " Rejected Services A Heavy Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing hissudden fall from affluence to indigence. "Do not weep, " said the Reverse of Fortune. "You need not suffer alone. Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes, and I willovertake _him_. " "It is hardly worth while, " said the victim, earnestly. "Not a soul ofthem has a cent!" The Power of the Scalawag A Forestry Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when, seeing anhonest man approaching, he dropped his axe and fled. The next day whenhe cautiously returned to get his axe, he found the following linespencilled on the stump: "What nature reared by centuries of toil, A scalawag in half a day can spoil; An equal fate for him may Heaven provide-- Damned in the moment of his tallest pride. " At Large--One Temper A Turbulent Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an assaultwith intent to commit murder, and it was proved that he had beenvariously obstreperous without apparent provocation, had affected theperipheries of several luckless fellow-citizens with the trunk of a smalltree, and subsequently cleaned out the town. While trying to palliatethese misdeeds, the defendant's Attorney turned suddenly to the Judge, saying: "Did your Honour ever lose your temper?" "I fine you twenty-five dollars for contempt of court!" roared the Judge, in wrath. "How dare you mention the loss of my temper in connection withthis case?" After a moment's silence the Attorney said, meekly: "I thought my client might perhaps have found it. " The Seeker and the Sought A Politician seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner, baited ahook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the end of along and almost invisible line. When the Turkey had swallowed the hook, the Politician ran, drawing the creature after him. "Fellow-citizens, " he cried, addressing some turkey-breeders whom he met, "you observe that the man does not seek the bird, but the bird seeks theman. For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I thank you with all myheart. " His Fly-Speck Majesty A Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen pickling hisshins in the ocean. "Why don't you come out on dry land?" said the Spectator. "What are youin there for?" "Sir, " replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions, "aship is expected, bearing His Majesty the King of the Fly-Speck Islands, and I wish to be the first to grasp the crowned hand. " "But, " said the Spectator, "you said in your famous speech before theSociety for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from PlankSidewalks that Kings were blood-smeared oppressors and hell-boundloafers. " "My dear sir, " said the Distinguished Advocate of RepublicanInstitutions, without removing his eyes from the horizon, "you wanderaway into the strangest irrelevancies! I spoke of Kings in theabstract. " The Pugilist's Diet The Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the champion'sdiet. "Beef-steaks are too tender, " said the Physician; "have his meat cut fromthe neck of a bull. " "I thought the steaks more digestible, " the Trainer explained. "That is very true, " said the Physician; "but they do not sufficientlyexercise the chin. " The Old Man and the Pupil A Beautiful Old Man, meeting a Sunday-school Pupil, laid his handtenderly upon the lad's head, saying: "Listen, my son, to the words ofthe wise and heed the advice of the righteous. " "All right, " said the Sunday-school Pupil; "go ahead. " "Oh, I haven't anything to do with it myself, " said the Beautiful OldMan. "I am only observing one of the customs of the age. I am apirate. " And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head, the latter observedthat his hair was full of clotted blood. Then the Beautiful Old Man wenthis way, instructing other youth. The Deceased and his Heirs A Man died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations whoclaimed it. After some years, when all but one had had judgment givenagainst them, that one was awarded the estate, which he asked hisAttorney to have appraised. "There is nothing to appraise, " said the Attorney, pocketing his lastfee. "Then, " said the Successful Claimant, "what good has all this litigationdone me?" "You have been a good client to me, " the Attorney replied, gathering uphis books and papers, "but I must say you betray a surprising ignoranceof the purpose of litigation. " The Politicians and the Plunder Several Political Entities were dividing the spoils. "I will take the management of the prisons, " said a Decent Respect forPublic Opinion, "and make a radical change. " "And I, " said the Blotted Escutcheon, "will retain my present generalconnection with affairs, while my friend here, the Soiled Ermine, willremain in the Judiciary. " The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless replenished fromthe Filthy Pool. The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two bosseswould, he supposed, naturally be his share. "No, " said the Depth of Degradation, "they have already fallen to me. " The Man and the Wart A Person with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted, andsaid: "Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order ofAbnormal Proboscidians, of which I am the High Noble Toby andSurreptitious Treasurer. Two months ago I was the only member. Onemonth ago there were two. To-day we number four Emperors of the AbnormalProboscis in good standing--doubles every four weeks, see? That'sgeometrical progression--you know how that piles up. In a year and ahalf every man in California will have a wart on his Nose. PowerfulOrder! Initiation, five dollars. " "My friend, " said the Person Similarly Afflicted, "here are five dollars. Keep my name off your books. " "Thank you kindly, " the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied, pocketingthe money; "it is just the same to us as if you joined. Good-by. " He went away, but in a little while he was back. "I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues, " he said. The Divided Delegation A Delegation at Washington went to a New President, and said: "Your Excellency, we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son torepresent us in your Cabinet. " "Then, " said the New President, "I shall have to lock you up until you doagree. " So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the moat, where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks, but finally reconciledits differences and asked to be taken before the New President. "My child, " said he, "nothing is so beautiful as harmony. My CabinetSelections were all made before our former interview, but you havesupplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating your personalpreferences to the general good. Go now to your beautiful homes and behappy. " It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy. A Forfeited Right The Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day, a ThriftyPerson hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas, which he exposedfor sale on the sidewalk; but the weather remained clear, and nobodywould buy. Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought an action against theChief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of the umbrellas. "Your Honour, " said the defendant's attorney, when the case was called, "I move that this astonishing action be dismissed. Not only is my clientin no way responsible for the loss, but he distinctly foreshadowed thevery thing that caused it. " "That is just it, your Honour, " replied the counsel for the plaintiff;"the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my client in the onlyway that he could do so. He has lied so much and so notoriously that hehas neither the legal nor moral right to tell the truth. " Judgment for the plaintiff. Revenge An Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to takeout a policy on his house. After listening to him for an hour, while hepainted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire consuming the house, the Hard Man to Deal With said: "Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside thetime that policy will run?" "Certainly, " replied the Insurance Agent; "have I not been trying allthis time to convince you that I do?" "Then, " said the Hard Man to Deal With, "why are you so anxious to haveyour Company bet me money that it will not?" The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the otherapart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear: "My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the Companybetrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an assumed name Ihave wormed myself into its service for revenge; and as there is a heavenabove us, I will have its heart's blood!" An Optimist Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their alteredcircumstances. "This is pretty hard luck, " said one. "Don't jump to conclusions, " the other said; "we are out of the wet andprovided with board and lodging. " "With lodging, certainly, " said the First Frog; "but I don't see theboard. " "You are a croaker, " the other explained. "We are ourselves the board. " A Valuable Suggestion A Big Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to terrifyits antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the latter's principalport. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships of war from all over theworld, and was about to send them three hundred and fifty thousand milesto the place of rendezvous, when the President of the Big Nation receivedthe following note from the President of the Little Nation: "My great and good friend, I hear that you are going to show us yournavy, in order to impress us with a sense of your power. How needlessthe expense! To prove to you that we already know all about it, Iinclose herewith a list and description of all the ships you have. " The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the letterthat he kept his navy at home, and saved one thousand million dollars. This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory decision when the cause ofthe quarrel was submitted to arbitration. Two Footpads Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing theevening's adventures. "I stood up the Chief of Police, " said the First Footpad, "and I got awaywith what he had. " "And I, " said the Second Footpad, "stood up the United States DistrictAttorney, and got away with--" "Good Lord!" interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration--"yougot away with what that fellow had?" "No, " the unfortunate narrator explained--"with a small part of what _I_had. " Equipped for Service During the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of Marylandwith a pass from the President to join Grant's army and see the fighting. Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop of a well-known opticianand ordered seven powerful telescopes, one for every day in the week. Inrecognition of this munificent patronage of the State's languishingindustries, the Governor commissioned him a colonel. The Basking Cyclone A Negro in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator, and, thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of shingles it wouldmake for his new cabin. Having satisfied his mind on that point, hestuck his boat-hook into the beast's back to harvest his good fortune. Thereupon the saurian emerged from his dream and took to the water, greatly to the surprise of the man-and-brother. "I never befo' seen such a cyclone as dat, " he exclaimed as soon as hehad recovered his breath. "It done carry away de ruf of my house!" At the Pole After a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer hadsucceeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by a NativeGaleut who lived there. "Good morning, " said the Native Galeut. "I'm very glad to see you, butwhy did you come here?" "Glory, " said the Daring Explorer, curtly. "Yes, yes, I know, " the other persisted; "but of what benefit to man isyour discovery? To what truths does it give access which wereinaccessible before?--facts, I mean, having a scientific value?" "I'll be Tom scatted if I know, " the great man replied, frankly; "youwill have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition. " But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been soengrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his tablesthat he had found no time to think of it. The Optimist and the Cynic A Man who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an Optimist, meta man who had experienced an optimist and was a Cynic. So the Cynicturned out of the road to let the Optimist roll by in his gold carriage. "My son, " said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, "you look as ifyou had not a friend in the world. " "I don't know if I have or not, " replied the Cynic, "for you have theworld. " The Poet and the Editor "My dear sir, " said the editor to the man, who had called to see abouthis poem, "I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate altercation inthis office the greater part of your manuscript is illegible; a bottle ofink was upset upon it, blotting out all but the first line--that is tosay--" "'The autumn leaves were falling, falling. ' "Unluckily, not having read the poem, I was unable to supply theincidents that followed; otherwise we could have given them in our ownwords. If the news is not stale, and has not already appeared in theother papers, perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred, while I makenotes of it. "'The autumn leaves were falling, falling, ' "Go on. " "What!" said the poet, "do you expect me to reproduce the entire poemfrom memory?" "Only the substance of it--just the leading facts. We will add whateveris necessary in the way of amplification and embellishment. It willdetain you but a moment. "'The autumn leaves were falling, falling--' "Now, then. " There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away. The chronicler ofpassing events sat through it, motionless, with suspended pen; and whenthe movement was complete Poesy was represented in that place by nothingbut a warm spot on the wooden chair. The Taken Hand A Successful Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief, expressed a wish to see him and shake hands. "No, " replied the Thief, "there are some things which I will nottake--among them your hand. " "You must use a little strategy, " said a Philosopher to whom theSuccessful Man of Business had reported the Thief's haughty reply. "Leaveyour hand out some night, and he will take it. " So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of hisneighbour's pocket, and the Thief took it with avidity. An Unspeakable Imbecile A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin: "Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentenceshould not be passed upon you?" "Will what I say make any difference?" asked the Convicted Assassin. "I do not see how it can, " the Judge answered, reflectively. "No, itwill not. " "Then, " said the doomed one, "I should just like to remark that you arethe most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the District ofColumbia. " A Needful War The people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka andset upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and woundingtwelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to apologise or pay, the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying that it was necessary toshow that Novakatkans must not be slaughtered. In the battles whichensued the people of Madagonia slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans andwounded twelve thousand. But the Madagonians were unsuccessful, which sochagrined them that never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkansecure in property or life. The Mine Owner and the Jackass While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention ofhis species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said: "By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made ineligible to aseat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek representation throughyou. " "It will give me great pleasure, sir, " said the Owner of a Silver Mine, "to serve one so closely allied to me in--in--well, you know, " he added, with a significant gesture of his two hands upward from the sides of hishead. "What do you want?" "Oh, nothing--nothing at all for myself individually, " replied theDonkey; "but his country's welfare should be a patriot's supreme care. IfAmericans are to retain the sacred liberties for which their fathersstrove, Congress must declare our independence of European dictation bymaintaining the price of mules. " The Dog and the Physician A Dog that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthypatient, said: "When do you expect to dig it up?" "Why should I dig it up?" the Physician asked. "When I bury a bone, " said the Dog, "it is with an intention to uncoverit later and pick it. " "The bones that I bury, " said the Physician, "are those that I can nolonger pick. " The Party Manager and the Gentleman A Party Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own business: "How much will you pay for a nomination to office?" "Nothing, " the Gentleman replied. "But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist in yourelection, will you not?" asked the Party Manager, winking. "Oh, no, " said the Gentleman, gravely. "If the people wish me to workfor them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very comfortablewithout office. " "But, " urged the Party Manager, "an election is a thing to be desired. Itis a high honour to be a servant of the people. " "If servitude is a high honour, " the Gentleman said, "it would beindecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it wouldbe no honour. " "Well, " persisted the Party Manager, "you will at least, I hope, indorsethe party platform. " The Gentleman replied: "It is improbable that its authors have accuratelyexpressed my views without consulting me; and if I indorsed their workwithout approving it I should be a liar. " "You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!" shouted the Party Manager. "Even your good opinion of my fitness, " replied the Gentleman, "shall notpersuade me. " The Legislator and the Citizen An ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to theGovernor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of Shrimps andCrabs. "Sir, " said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, "were you not oncein the State Senate?" "Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you, " was the reply. "I was a memberof the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my influence for money. " "And you dare to ask for mine!" shouted the Most Respectable Citizen. "You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes will probablyoffer them. Do you mean to--" "I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but if Iwere Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some influence withthe water-front population, and be able to help you make your fight forCoroner. " "In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter. " So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote, greatlyto his astonishment: "Who sells his influence should stop it, An honest man will only swap it. " The Rainmaker An Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons loadedwith balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus, halted inthe midst of a desert, where there had been no rain for ten years, andset up a camp. After several months of preparation and an expenditure ofa million dollars all was in readiness, and a series of tremendousexplosions occurred on the earth and in the sky. This was followed by agreat down-pour of rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of theGovernment and the outfit off the face of creation and affected theagricultural heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporterwho had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there hefound the Sole Survivor of the expedition--a mule-driver--down on hisknees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour. "Oh, you can't stop it that way, " said the Reporter. "My fellow-traveller to the bar of God, " replied the Sole Survivor, looking up over his shoulder, "your understanding is in darkness. I amnot stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am bringing it. " "That is a pretty good joke, " said the Reporter, laughing as well as hecould in the strangling rain--"a mule driver's prayer answered!" "Child of levity and scoffing, " replied the other; "you err again, misledby these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft, a ministerof the gospel, now in the service of the great manufacturing firm ofSkinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electricalapparatus. " The Citizen and the Snakes A Public-Spirited Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to secure aNational political convention for his city suffered acutely fromdejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned thoughtlessly against adruggist's show-window, wherein were one hundred and fifty kinds ofassorted snakes. The glass breaking, the reptiles all escaped into thestreet. "When you can't do what you wish, " said the Public-spirited Citizen, "itis worth while to do what you can. " Fortune and the Fabulist A Writer of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met aFortune. Greatly alarmed, he tried to climb a tree, but the Fortunepulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel persistence. "Why did you try to run away?" said the Fortune, when his struggles hadceased and his screams were stilled. "Why do you glare at me soinhospitably?" "I don't know what you are, " replied the Writer of Fables, deeplydisturbed. "I am wealth; I am respectability, " the Fortune explained; "I am eleganthouses, a yacht, and a clean shirt every day. I am leisure, I am travel, wine, a shiny hat, and an unshiny coat. I am enough to eat. " "All right, " said the Writer of Fables, in a whisper; "but for goodness'sake speak lower. " "Why so?" the Fortune asked, in surprise. "So as not to wake me, " replied the Writer of Fables, a holy calmbrooding upon his beautiful face. A Smiling Idol An Idol said to a Missionary, "My friend, why do you seek to bring meinto contempt? If it had not been for me, what would you have been?Remember thy creator that thy days be long in the land. " "I confess, " replied the Missionary, fingering a number of ten-centpieces which a Sunday-school in his own country had forwarded to him, "that I am a product of you, but I protest that you cannot quoteScripture with accuracy and point. Therefore will I continue to go upagainst you with the Sword of the Spirit. " Shortly afterwards the Idol's worshippers held a great religious ceremonyat the base of his pedestal, and as a part of the rites the Missionarywas roasted whole. As the tongue was removed for the high priest'stable, "Ah, " said the Idol to himself, "that is the Sword of theSpirit--the only Sword that is less dangerous when unsheathed. " And he smiled so pleasantly at his own wit that the provinces ofGhargaroo, M'gwana, and Scowow were affected with a blight. Philosophers Three A Bear, a Fox, and an Opossum were attacked by an inundation. "Death loves a coward, " said the Bear, and went forward to fight theflood. "What a fool!" said the Fox. "I know a trick worth two of that. " And heslipped into a hollow stump. "There are malevolent forces, " said the Opossum, "which the wise willneither confront nor avoid. The thing is to know the nature of yourantagonist. " So saying the Opossum lay down and pretended to be dead. The Boneless King Some Apes who had deposed their king fell at once into dissension andanarchy. In this strait they sent a Deputation to a neighbouring tribeto consult the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World. "My children, " said the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World, when hehad heard the Deputation, "you did right in ridding yourselves oftyranny, but your tribe is not sufficiently advanced to dispense with theforms of monarchy. Entice the tyrant back with fair promises, kill himand enthrone. The skeleton of even the most lawless despot makes a goodconstitutional sovereign. " At this the Deputation was greatly abashed. "It is impossible, " theysaid, moving away; "our king has no skeleton; he was stuffed. " Uncalculating Zeal A Man-Eating tiger was ravaging the Kingdom of Damnasia, and the King, greatly concerned for the lives and limbs of his Royal subjects, promisedhis daughter Zodroulra to any man who would kill the animal. After somedays Camaraladdin appeared before the King and claimed the reward. "But where is the tiger?" the King asked. "May jackasses sing above my uncle's grave, " replied Camaraladdin, "if Idared go within a league of him!" "Wretch!" cried the King, unsheathing his consoler-under-disappointment;"how dare you claim my daughter when you have done nothing to earn her?" "Thou art wiser, O King, than Solyman the Great, and thy servant is asdust in the tomb of thy dog, yet thou errest. I did not, it is true, kill the tiger, but behold! I have brought thee the scalp of the man whohad accumulated five million pieces of gold and was after more. " The King drew his consoler-under-disappointment, and, flicking offCamaraladdin's head, said: "Learn, caitiff, the expediency of uncalculating zeal. If themillionaire had been let alone he would have devoured the tiger. " A Transposition Travelling through the sage-brush country a Jackass met a rabbit, whoexclaimed in great astonishment: "Good heavens! how did you grow so big? You are doubtless the largestrabbit living. " "No, " said the Jackass, "you are the smallest donkey. " After a good deal of fruitless argument the question was referred fordecision to a passing Coyote, who was a bit of a demagogue and desirousto stand well with both. "Gentlemen, " said he, "you are both right, as was to have been expectedby persons so gifted with appliances for receiving instruction from thewise. You, sir, "--turning to the superior animal--"are, as he hasaccurately observed, a rabbit. And you"--to the other--"are correctlydescribed as a jackass. In transposing your names man has acted withincredible folly. " They were so pleased with the decision that they declared the Coyotetheir candidate for the Grizzly Bearship; but whether he ever obtainedthe office history does not relate. The Honest Citizen A Political Preferment, labelled with its price, was canvassing the Stateto find a purchaser. One day it offered itself to a Truly Good Man, who, after examining the label and finding the price was exactly twice asgreat as he was willing to pay, spurned the Political Preferment from hisdoor. Then the People said: "Behold, this is an honest citizen!" Andthe Truly Good Man humbly confessed that it was so. A Creaking Tail An American Statesman who had twisted the tail of the British Lion untilhis arms ached was at last rewarded by a sharp, rasping sound. "I knew your fortitude would give out after a while, " said the AmericanStatesman, delighted; "your agony attests my political power. " "Agony I know not!" said the British Lion, yawning; "the swivel in mytail needs a few drops of oil, that is all. " Wasted Sweets A Candidate canvassing his district met a Nurse wheeling a Baby in acarriage, and, stooping, imprinted a kiss upon the Baby's clammy muzzle. Rising, he saw a Man, who laughed. "Why do you laugh?" asked the Candidate. "Because, " replied the Man, "the Baby belongs to the Orphan Asylum. " "But the Nurse, " said the Candidate--"the Nurse will surely relate thetouching incident wherever she goes, and perhaps write to her formermaster. " "The Nurse, " said the Man who had laughed, "is an inmate of theInstitution for the Illiterate-Deaf-and-Dumb. " Six and One The Committee on Gerrymander worked late, drawing intricate lines on amap of the State, and being weary sought repose in a game of poker. Atthe close of the game the six Republican members were bankrupt and thesingle Democrat had all the money. On the next day, when the Committeewas called to order for business, one of the luckless six mounted hislegs, and said: "Mr. Chairman, before we bend to our noble task of purifying politics, inthe interest of good government I wish to say a word of the untowardevents of last evening. If my memory serves me the disasters whichovertook the Majority of this honourable body always befell when it wasthe Minority's deal. It is my solemn conviction, Mr. Chairman, and toits affirmation I pledge my life, my fortune, and my sacred honour, thatthat wicked and unscrupulous Minority redistricted the cards!" The Sportsman and the Squirrel A Sportsman who had wounded a Squirrel, which was making desperateefforts to drag itself away, ran after it with a stick, exclaiming: "Poor thing! I will put it out of its misery. " At that moment the Squirrels stopped from exhaustion, and looking up atits enemy, said: "I don't venture to doubt the sincerity of your compassion, though itcomes rather late, but you seem to lack the faculty of observation. Doyou not perceive by my actions that the dearest wish of my heart is tocontinue in my misery?" At this exposure of his hypocrisy, the Sportsman was so overcome withshame and remorse that he would not strike the Squirrel, but pointing itout to his dog, walked thoughtfully away. The Fogy and the Sheik A Fogy who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to hishome one day and saw, near by, a great concourse of men and animals, andin their midst a tower, at the foot of which something with wheels smokedand panted like an exhausted horse. He sought the Sheik of the Outfit. "What sin art thou committing now, O son of a Christian dog?" said theFogy, with a truly Oriental politeness. "Boring for water, you black-and-tan galoot!" replied the Sheik of theOutfit, with that ready repartee which distinguishes the Unbeliever. "Knowest thou not, thou whelp of darkness and father of disorderedlivers, " cried the Fogy, "that water will cause grass to spring up here, and trees, and possibly even flowers? Knowest thou not, that thou art, in truth, producing an oasis?" "And don't you know, " said the Sheik of the Outfit, "that caravans willthen stop here for rest and refreshments, giving you a chance to stealthe camels, the horses, and the goods?" "May the wild hog defile my grave, but thou speakest wisdom!" the Fogyreplied, with the dignity of his race, extending his hand. "Sheik. " They shook. At Heaven's Gate Having arisen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate ofHeaven, and knocked with a trembling hand. "Madam, " said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket, "whence doyou come?" "From San Francisco, " replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as greatbeads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow. "Never mind, my good girl, " the Saint said, compassionately. "Eternityis a long time; you can live that down. " "But that, if you please, is not all. " The Woman was growing more andmore confused. "I poisoned my husband. I chopped up my babies. I--" "Ah, " said the Saint, with sudden austerity, "your confession suggests avery grave possibility. Were you a member of the Women's PressAssociation?" The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth: "I was not. " The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges, makingthe most ravishing music, and the Saint, stepping aside, bowed low, saying: "Enter, then, into thine eternal rest. " But the Woman hesitated. "The poisoning--the chopping--the--the--" she stammered. "Of no consequence, I assure you. We are not going to be hard on a ladywho did not belong to the Women's Press Association. Take a harp. " "But I applied for membership--I was blackballed. " "Take two harps. " The Catted Anarchist An Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat bysome Respector of Law to him unknown, had the Dead Cat arrested and takenbefore a Magistrate. "Why do you appeal to the law?" said the Magistrate--"You who go in forthe abolition of law. " "That, " replied the Anarchist, who was not without a certain hardness ofhead, "that is none of your business; I am not bound to be consistent. You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead Cat. " "Very well, " said the Magistrate, putting on the black cap and a solemnlook; "as the accused makes no defence, and is undoubtedly guilty, Isentence her to be eaten by the public executioner; and as that positionhappens to be vacant, I appoint you to it, without bonds. " One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the anonymousRespector of Law who had flung the condemned. The Honourable Member A Member of a Legislature, who had pledged himself to his Constituentsnot to steal, brought home at the end of the session a large part of thedome of the Capitol. Thereupon the Constituents held an indignationmeeting and passed a resolution of tar and feathers. "You are most unjust, " said the Member of the Legislature. "It is true Ipromised you I would not steal; but had I ever promised you that I wouldnot lie?" The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to theUnited States Congress, unpledged and unfledged. The Expatriated Boss A Boss who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal withhaving fled to avoid prosecution. "You do me a grave injustice, " said the Boss, parting with a pair oftears. "I came to Canada solely because of its political attractions;its Government is the most corrupt in the world. " "Pray forgive me, " said the Citizen of Montreal. They fell upon each other's neck, and at the conclusion of that touchingrite the Boss had two watches. An Inadequate Fee An Ox, unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he sank, wasadvised to make use of a Political Pull. When the Political Pull hadarrived, the Ox said: "My good friend, please make fast to me, and letnature take her course. " So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox's head and nature took hercourse. The Ox was drawn, first, from the mire, and, next, from hisskin. Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good fat carcase ofbeef that he was dragging to his lair and said, with a discontentedspirit: "That is hardly my customary fee; I'll take home this first instalment, then return and bring an action for salvage against the skin. " The Judge and the Plaintiff A Man of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the Court inan action for damages which he had brought against a railway company. Thedoor opened and the Judge of the Court entered. "Well, " said he, "I am going to decide your case to-day. If I shoulddecide in your favour, I wonder how you would express your satisfaction?" "Sir, " said the Man of Experience in Business, "I should risk your angerby offering you one half the sum awarded. " "Did I say I was going to decide that case?" said the Judge, abruptly, asif awakening from a dream. "Dear me, how absent-minded I am. I mean Ihave already decided it, and judgment has been entered for the fullamount that you sued for. " "Did I say I would give you one half?" said the Man of Experience inBusiness, coldly. "Dear me, how near I came to being a rascal. I mean, that I am greatly obliged to you. " The Return of the Representative Hearing that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an AssemblyDistrict held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for theirrepresentative. By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging, some thought that it would do him good to appear in a suit of tar andfeathers. An old man, famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling onhis shirt-front, suggested that they first catch their hare. So theChairman appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight, andtake him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from thetamarack swamp. At this point in the proceedings they were interruptedby the sound of a brass band. Their dishonoured representative wasdriving up from the railway station in a coach-and-four, with music and abanner. A few moments later he entered the hall, went upon the platform, and said it was the proudest moment of his life. (Cheers. ) A Statesman A Statesman who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose tospeak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do withcommerce. "Mr. Chairman, " said an Aged Member, rising, "I conceive that theobjection is not well taken; the gentleman's connection with commerce isclose and intimate. He is a Commodity. " Two Dogs The Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of acheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for hisliving, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This being donehe was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and theearth was his and the fulness thereof. Observing this, the Politician(an animal created later) petitioned that a wag might be given him too. As he was incaudate it was conferred upon his chin, which he now wagswith great profit and gratification except when he is at his meals. Three Recruits A Farmer, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their countryand complained that they were compelled to support a large standing armyof mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep. "Very well, " said the King, "my subjects' wishes are the highest law. " So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also. Thesale of their products so brought down prices that farming was ruined, and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans and labourersinto the almshouses and highways. In a few years the national distresswas so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and the Labourer petitionedthe King to reorganize the standing army. "What!" said the King; "you wish to support those idle consumers again?" "No, your Majesty, " they replied--"we wish to enlist. " The Mirror A Silken-Eared Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles theSecond of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was leaningagainst the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress'shouse. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside, and said: "I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will. " So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where hefancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a Bulldog satthere sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in direconsternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from a safedistance, said: "I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag isflung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war. If you area civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse than a newspaper, but if you're a soldier, they do you a grave injustice. " This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks. Saint and Sinner "My friend, " said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to aMost Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. TheDivine Grace has made me what I am. " The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. "Henceforth, " hesaid, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone. " An Antidote A Young Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wingstightly crossed upon its stomach. "What have you been eating?" the Mother asked, with solicitude. "Nothing but a keg of Nails, " was the reply. "What!" exclaimed the Mother; "a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and swallow aclaw-hammer. " A Weary Echo A Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffingWoman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, "Place aux dames!" AndEcho wearily replied, "Oh, damn. " The Ingenious Blackmailer An Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when thefollowing conversation ensued: _Inventor_. --"May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle thatdischarges lightning. " _King_. --"Ah, you wish to sell me the secret. " _Inventor_. --"Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that isaccessible. " _King_. --"In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, Imust make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops--before yoursecret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?" _Inventor_. --"One million dollars. " _King_. --"And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?" _Inventor_. --"Fifty millions. " _King_. --"And the war will Cost--?" _Inventor_. --"But consider the glory and the spoils!" _King_. --"Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if Idecline to purchase?" _Inventor_. --"There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor;if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere. " _King_ (to Prime Minister). --"Take this blackmailer and cut off hishead. " A Talisman Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent aphysician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening ofthe brain. "The gentleman is excused, " said the Judge, handing back the certificateto the person who had brought it, "he has a brain. " The Ancient Order Hardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour, beencompletely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a questionarose as to what should be the title of address among the members. Somewanted it to be simply "my Lord, " others held out for "your Dukeness, "and still others preferred "my Sovereign Liege. " Finally the gorgeousjewel of the order, gleaming upon the breast of every member, suggested"your Badgesty, " which was adopted, and the order became popularly knownas the Kings of Catarrh. A Fatal Disorder A Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law tomake a statement, and be quick about it. "You were assaulted without provocation, of course, " said the DistrictAttorney, preparing to set down the answer. "No, " replied the Dying Man, "I was the aggressor. " "Yes, I understand, " said the District Attorney; "you committed theaggression--you were compelled to, as it were. You did it inself-defence. " "I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone, " said theother. "No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have hurt afly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he naturally had toyield--he couldn't hold out. If he had refused to shoot me I don't seehow I could decently have continued his acquaintance. " "Good Heavens!" exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his note-book and pencil; "this is all quite irregular. I can't make use of suchan ante-mortem statement as that. " "I never before knew a man to tell the truth, " said the Chief of Police, "when dying of violence. " "Violence nothing!" the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and inspectingthe man's tongue--"it is the truth that is killing him. " The Massacre Some Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by theBigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was greatlypained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted Heathens and the law-abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries who had wickedly been sent toeternal bliss. "Yes, " assented a Miserable Sinner, as he finished reading the articles, "the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all things anddesperately wicked. By the way, " he added, turning over the paper toread the entertaining and instructive Fables, "I know the Heatheneselingo. Ying Shing means Rock Creek; it is in the Province of Wyo Ming. " A Ship and a Man Seeing a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious Personstarted in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people's eyes beingfixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer. This greatlyannoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic, he stopped andshouted across the waves' tumultous roar: "Take my name off the passenger list. " Back to him over the waters, hollow and heartless, like laughter in atomb, rang the voice of the Skipper: "'T ain't on!" And there, in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes, theAmbitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured sadlyto his own soul: "Marooned, by thunder!" Congress and the People Successive Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they werediscouraged and wept copiously. "Why do you weep?" inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence nearby. "They have taken all we have, " replied the People--"excepting, " theyadded, noting the suggestive visitant--"excepting our hope in heaven. Thank God, they cannot deprive us of that!" But at last came the Congress of 1889. The Justice and His Accuser An eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused ofhaving obtained his appointment by fraud. "You wander, " he said to the Accuser; "it is of little importance how Iobtained my power; it is only important how I have used it. " "I confess, " said the Accuser, "that in comparison with the rascally wayin which you have conducted yourself on the Bench, the rascally way inwhich you got there does seem rather a trifle. " The Highwayman and the Traveller A Highwayman confronted a Traveller, and covering him with a firearm, shouted: "Your money or your life!" "My good friend, " said the Traveller, "according to the terms of yourdemand my money will save my life, my life my money; you imply you willtake one or the other, but not both. If that is what you mean, please begood enough to take my life. " "That is not what I mean, " said the Highwayman; "you cannot save yourmoney by giving up your life. " "Then take it, anyhow, " the Traveller said. "If it will not save mymoney, it is good for nothing. " The Highwayman was so pleased with the Traveller's philosophy and witthat he took him into partnership, and this splendid combination oftalent started a newspaper. The Policeman and the Citizen A Policeman, finding a man that had fallen in a fit, said, "This man isdrunk, " and began beating him on the head with his club. A passingCitizen said: "Why do you murder a man that is already harmless?" Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the Citizen, who, after receiving several severe contusions, ran away. "Alas, " said the Policeman, "why did I not attack the sober one beforeexhausting myself upon the other?" Thenceforward he pursued that plan, and by zeal and diligence rose to beChief, and sobriety is unknown in the region subject to his sway. The Writer and the Tramps An Ambitious Writer, distinguished for the condition of his linen, wastravelling the high road to fame, when he met a Tramp. "What is the matter with your shirt?" inquired the Tramp. "It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the characteristicof genius, " replied the Ambitious Writer, contemptuously passing him by. Resting by the wayside a little later, the Tramp carved upon the smoothbark of a birch-tree the words, "John Gump, Champion Genius. " Two Politicians Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for publicservice. "The reward which I most desire, " said the First Politician, "is thegratitude of my fellow-citizens. " "That would be very gratifying, no doubt, " said the Second Politician, "but, alas! in order to obtain it one has to retire from politics. " For an instant they gazed upon each other with inexpressible tenderness;then the First Politician murmured, "God's will be done! Since we cannothope for reward, let us be content with what we have. " And lifting their right hands from the public treasury they swore to becontent. The Fugitive Office A Traveller arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plainoutside the wall, filled with struggling and shouting men. While helooked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the Throngand took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood, the crowd being toointent upon hammering one another to observe that the cause of theircontention had departed. "Poor bruised and bleeding creature, " said the compassionate Traveller, "what misfortune caused you to be so far away from the source of power?" "I 'sought the man, '" said the Office. The Tyrant Frog A Snake swallowing a frog head-first was approached by a Naturalist witha stick. "Ah, my deliverer, " said the Snake as well as he could, "you have arrivedjust in time; this reptile, you see, is pitching into me withoutprovocation. " "Sir, " replied the Naturalist, "I need a snakeskin for my collection, butif you had not explained I should not have interrupted you, for I thoughtyou were at dinner. " The Eligible Son-in-Law A Truly Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to hissisters and his cousins and his aunts of both sexes, was approached by aTatterdemalion, who applied for a loan of one hundred thousand dollars. "What security have you to offer?" asked the Truly Pious Person. "The best in the world, " the applicant replied, confidentially; "I amabout to become your son-in-law. " "That would indeed be gilt-edged, " said the banker, gravely; "but whatclaim have you to the hand of my daughter?" "One that cannot be lightly denied, " said the Tatterdemalion. "I amabout to become worth one hundred thousand dollars. " Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage, thefinancier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money, and wrotea note to his wife directing her to count out the girl. The Statesman and the Horse A Statesman who had saved his country was returning from Washington onfoot, when he met a Race Horse going at full speed, and stopped it. "Turn about and travel the other way, " said the Statesman, "and I willkeep you company as far as my home. The advantages of travellingtogether are obvious. " "I cannot do that, " said the Race Horse; "I am following my master toWashington. I did not go fast enough to suit him, and he has gone onahead. " "Who is your master?" inquired the Statesman. "He is the Statesman who saved his country, " answered the Race Horse. "There appears to be some mistake, " the other said. "Why did he wish totravel so fast?" "So as to be there in time to get the country that he saved. " "I guess he got it, " said the other, and limped along, sighing. An AErophobe A Celebrated Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible, wasasked why, then, he preached the religion founded upon it. "If it is fallible, " he replied, "there is the greater reason that Iexplain it, lest it mislead. " "Then am I to infer, " said his Questioner, "that _you_ are not fallible?" "You are to infer that I am not pneumophagous. " The Thrift of Strength A Weak Man going down-hill met a Strong Man going up, and said: "I take this direction because it requires less exertion, not fromchoice. I pray you, sir, assist me to regain the summit. " "Gladly, " said the Strong Man, his face illuminated with the glory of histhought. "I have always considered my strength a sacred gift in trustfor my fellow-men. I will take you along with me. Just get behind meand push. " The Good Government "What a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government to aSovereign State. "Be good enough to lie still while I walk upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting upon theblessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime you canrelieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the effetemonarchies of Europe. " "My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of youraccession to power, " replied the State; "my legislative bodies, bothState and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes are insupportable; mycourts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace to civilisation; mycorporations have their hands at the throats of every privateinterest--all my affairs are in disorder and criminal confusion. " "That is all very true, " said the Republican Form of Government, puttingon its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every Fourth ofJuly. " The Life Saver An Ancient Maiden, standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern Swain, was overheard rehearsing the words: "Noble preserver! The life that you have saved is yours!" Having repeated them several times with various intonations, she spranginto the water, where she was suffered to drown. "I am a noble preserver, " said the Modern Swain, thoughtfully movingaway; "the life that I have saved is indeed mine. " The Man and the Bird A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird: "It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport. I putmy skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It is a fairgame. " "True, " said the Bird, "but I don't wish to play. " "Why not?" inquired the Man with a Shotgun. "The game, " the Bird replied, "is fair as you say; the chances are abouteven; but consider the stake. I am in it for you, but what is there init for me?" Not being prepared with an answer to the question, the Man with a Shotgunsagaciously removed the propounder. From the Minutes An Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common-sense rose in hisplace in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to his UnblottedEscutcheon. Seeing what it supposed to be the finger of scorn pointed atit, the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with rage. Seeing theUnblotted Escutcheon turning black with what he supposed to be the recordof his own misdeeds showing through the whitewash, the Orator fell deadof mortification. Seeing the Orator fall dead of what they supposed tobe atrophy of the organ of common-sense, his colleagues resolved thatwhenever they should adjourn because they were tired, it should be out ofrespect to the memory of him who had so frequently made them so. Three of a Kind A Lawyer in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of hisignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom thepolice had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in custody. In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked, "Have you accomplices?" "Yes, sir, " replied the Burglar. "I have two, but neither has beentaken. I hired one to defend me against capture, you to defend meagainst conviction. " This answer deeply impressed the Lawyer, and having ascertained that theBurglar had accumulated no money in his profession he threw up the case. The Fabulist and the Animals A Wise and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travellingmenagerie with a view to collecting literary materials. As he waspassing near the Elephant, that animal said: "How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by ridiculeof people with long noses--who are the salt of the earth!" The Kangaroo said: "I do so enjoy that great man's censure of the ridiculous--particularlyhis attacks on the Proboscidae; but, alas! he has no reverence for theMarsupials, and laughs at our way of carrying our young in a pouch. " The Camel said: "If he would only respect the sacred Hump, he would be faultless. As itis, I cannot permit his fables to be read in the presence of my family. " The Ostrich, seeing his approach, thrust her head in the straw, saying: "If I do not conceal myself, he may be reminded to write somethingdisagreeable about my lack of a crest or my appetite for scrap-iron; andalthough he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes himself to censureof folly and greed, his dulness is matchless when he transcends thelimits of legitimate comment. " "That, " said the Buzzard to his mate, "is the distinguished author ofthat glorious fable, 'The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails. ' I regret toadd, that he wrote, also, 'The Buzzard's Feast, ' in which a carrion dietis contumeliously disparaged. A carrion diet is the foundation of soundhealth. If nothing else but corpses were eaten, death would be unknown. " Seeing an attendant approaching, the wise and illustrious Writer ofFables passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd. It wasafterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas withoutpaying. A Revivalist Revived A Revivalist who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent religiousexercise was astonished to wake up in Hades. He promptly sent for theAdversary of Souls and demanded his freedom, explaining that he wasentirely orthodox, and had always led a pious and holy life. "That is all very true, " said the Adversary, "but you taught by examplethat a verb should not agree with its subject in person and number, whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a dinner ofherbs. You also tried to release the objective case from its thraldom tothe preposition, and it is written that servants should obey theirmasters. You stay right here. " The Debaters A Hurled-Back Allegation, which, after a brief rest, had again startedforth upon its mission of mischief, met an Ink-stand in mid-air. "How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was comingagain?" inquired the Hurled-back Allegation. "He did not, " the Inkstand replied; "he isn't at all forehanded atrepartee. " "Why, then, do you come, things being even when he had hurled me back?" "He wanted to be a little ahead. " Two of the Pious A Christian and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when theChristian, with that charming consideration which serves to distinguishthe truly pious from the wolves that perish, exclaimed: "If I could have my way, I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite. " "And if I could have mine, " retorted the Heathen in His Blindness, bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave, "I'd fan all yours out ofthe universe. " The Desperate Object A Dishonest Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through itsprivate park, when it saw something which frantically and repeatedly ranagainst a stone wall, endeavouring to butt out its brains. "Hold! Hold! thou desperate Object, " cried the Dishonest Gain; "thesebeautiful private grounds are no place for such work as thine. " "True, " said the Object, pausing; "I have other and better grounds forit. " "Then thou art a happy man, " said the Dishonest Gain, "and thy bleedinghead is but mere dissembling. Who art thou, great actor?" "I am known, " said the Object, dashing itself again at the wall, "as theConsciousness of Duty Well Performed. " The Appropriate Memorial A High Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town held ameeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other High PublicFunctionary rose and addressed the meeting. "Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen, " said the Other, "it sames to me, and I'mhopin' yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way to honourthe mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument sootablyinscribed wid his vartues. " The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept. A Needless Labour After waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for someunconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord ofhis race. Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, theSkunk, keeping carefully out of reach, said: "Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an implacableodour. " "My dear fellow, " the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless trouble; Ialready knew that you were a Skunk. " A Flourishing Industry "Are the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?" asked aTraveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in America. "Splendid!" said the Man. "I have more orders than I can fill. " "What is your business?" the Traveller from a Foreign Land inquired. The Man replied, "I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of pugilists. " The Self-Made Monkey A Man of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political office, was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey. "I take it you are one of my constituents, " the Man said. "No, " replied the Monkey; "but I will support you if you can urge a validclaim to my approval. " "I am a self-made man, " said the other, proudly. "That is nothing, " the Monkey said. And going to a bigger pine, he roseby his own unaided exertions to the top branch, where he sat, allbedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes. "Now, " he added, "Iam a self-made Monkey. " The Patriot and the Banker A Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at abank where he desired to open an account. "With pleasure, " said the Honest Banker; "we shall be glad to do businesswith you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoringwhat you stole from the Government. " "Good heavens!" cried the Patriot; "if I do that, I shall have nothing todeposit with you. " "I don't see that, " the Honest Banker replied. "We are not the wholeAmerican people. " "Ah, I understand, " said the Patriot, musing. "At what sum do youestimate this bank's proportion of the country's loss by me?" "About a dollar, " answered the Honest Banker. And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and well hecharged that sum to the account. The Mourning Brothers Observing that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to hisbedside and expounded the situation. "My children, " said he, "you have not shown me many marks of respectduring my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him whothe longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entirefortune. I have made a will to that effect. " So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hatand wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither wouldgive in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weeds and theelder give him half of the estate. But when the elder applied for theproperty he found that there had been an Executor! Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished. The Disinterested Arbiter Two Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard theirstatements, then flung the bone into a pond. "Why did you do that?" said the Dogs. "Because, " replied the Sheep, "I am a vegetarian. " The Thief and the Honest Man A Thief who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover hisshare of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man'sattendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Manexplained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honestmen it was none of his affair; and when the officers came to serve himwith a subpoena he hid himself behind his back and wiled away thedragging hours of retirement and inaction by picking his own pockets. The Dutiful Son A Millionaire who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met aNeighbour there, who was greatly surprised. "What!" said the Neighbour, "you do sometimes visit your father?" "If our situations were reversed, " said the Millionaire, "I am sure hewould visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me. Besides, " he added, softly, "I had to have his signature; I am insuringhis life. " AESOPUS EMENDATUS The Cat and the Youth A Cat fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus tochange her into a woman. "I should think, " said Venus, "you might make so trifling a changewithout bothering me. However, be a woman. " Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused amouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a show ofherself that the Young Man would not marry her. The Farmer and His Sons A Farmer being about to die, and knowing that during his illness his Sonshad permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds while theyimproved the shining hour by gambling with the doctor, said to them: "My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. You dig inthe ground until you find it. " So the Sons dug up all the weeds, and all the vines too, and evenneglected to bury the old man. Jupiter and the Baby Show Jupiter held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered herhideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her. "It is all very well, " said the Monkey, "to laugh at my offspring, butyou go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the statues andbusts of the fellows that you begot yourself. " "'Sh! don't expose me, " said Jupiter, and awarded her the first prize. The Man and the Dog A Man who had been bitten by a Dog was told that the wound would heal ifhe would dip a piece of bread in the blood and give it to the Dog. Hedid so. "No, " said the Dog; "if I were to accept that, it might be thought thatin biting you I was actuated by improper motives. " "And by what motives were you actuated?" asked the Man. "I desired, " replied the Dog, "merely to harmonise myself with the DivineScheme of Things. I'm a child of Nature. " The Cat and the Birds Hearing that the Birds in an aviary were ill, a Cat went to them and saidthat he was a physician, and would cure them if they would let him in. "To what school of medicine do you belong?" asked the Birds. "I am a Miaulopathist, " said the Cat. "Did you ever practise Gohomoeopathy?" the Birds inquired, winkingfaintly. The Cat took the hint and his leave. Mercury and the Woodchopper A Woodchopper, who had dropped his axe into a deep pool, besought Mercuryto recover it for him. That thoughtless deity immediately plunged intothe pool, which became so salivated that the trees about its margin allcame loose and dropped out. The Fox and the Grapes A Fox, seeing some sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose, andbeing unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not eat, solemnly declared that they were out of his reach. The Penitent Thief A Boy who had been taught by his Mother to steal grew to be a man and wasa professional public official. One day he was taken in the act andcondemned to die. While going to the place of execution he passed hisMother and said to her: "Behold your work! If you had not taught me to steal, I should not havecome to this. " "Indeed!" said the Mother. "And who, pray, taught you to be detected?" The Archer and the Eagle An Eagle mortally wounded by an Archer was greatly comforted to observethat the arrow was feathered with one of his own quills. "I should have felt bad, indeed, " he said, "to think that any other eaglehad a hand in this. " Truth and the Traveller A Man travelling in a desert met a Woman. "Who art thou?" asked the Man, "and why dost thou dwell in this dreadfulplace?" "My name, " replied the Woman, "is Truth; and I live in the desert inorder to be near my worshippers when they are driven from among theirfellows. They all come, sooner or later. " "Well, " said the Man, looking about, "the country doesn't seem to be verythickly settled here. " The Wolf and the Lamb A Lamb, pursued by a Wolf, fled into the temple. "The priest will catch you and sacrifice you, " said the Wolf, "if youremain there. " "It is just as well to be sacrificed by the priest as to be eaten byyou, " said the Lamb. "My friend, " said the Wolf, "it pains me to see you considering so greata question from a purely selfish point of view. It is not just as wellfor me. " The Lion and the Boar A Lion and a Boar, who were fighting for water at a pool, saw somevultures hovering significantly above them. "Let us make up ourquarrel, " said the Boar, "or these fellows will get one of us, sure. " "I should not so much mind that, " replied the Lion, "if they would getthe right one. However, I am willing to stop fighting, and then perhapsI can grab a vulture. I like chicken better than pork, anyhow. " The Grasshopper and the Ant One day in winter a hungry Grasshopper applied to an Ant for some of thefood which they had stored. "Why, " said the Ant, "did you not store up some food for yourself, instead of singing all the time?" "So I did, " said the Grasshopper; "so I did; but you fellows broke in andcarried it all away. " The Fisher and the Fished A Fisherman who had caught a very small Fish was putting it in his basketwhen it said: "I pray you put me back into the stream, for I can be of no use to you;the gods do not eat fish. " "But I am no god, " said the Fisherman. "True, " said the Fish, "but as soon as Jupiter has heard of your exploit, he will elevate you to the deitage. You are the only man that evercaught a small fish. " The Farmer and the Fox A Farmer who had a deadly and implacable hatred against a certain Fox, caught him and tied some tow to his tail; then carrying him to the centreof his own grain-field, set the tow on fire and let the animal go. "Alas!" said the Farmer, seeing the result; "if that grain had not beenheavily insured, I might have had to dissemble my hatred of the Fox. " Dame Fortune and the Traveller A Weary Traveller who had lain down and fallen asleep on the brink of adeep well was discovered by Dame Fortune. "If this fool, " she said, "should have an uneasy dream and roll into thewell men would say that I did it. It is painful to me to be unjustlyaccused, and I shall see that I am not. " So saying she rolled the man into the well. The Victor and the Victim Two Game Cocks, having fought a battle, the defeated one skulked away andhid, but the victor mounted a wall and crowed lustily. This attractedthe attention of a hawk, who said: "Behold! how pride goeth before a fall. " So he swooped down upon the boasting bird and was about to destroy him, when the vanquished Cock came out of his hiding-place, and between thetwo the Hawk was calamitously defeated. The Wolf and the Shepherds A Wolf passing a Shepherd's hut looked in and saw the shepherds dining. "Come in, " said one of them, ironically, "and partake of your favouritedish, a haunch of mutton. " "Thank you, " said the Wolf, moving away, "but you must excuse me; I havejust had a saddle of shepherd. " The Goose and the Swan A Certain rich man reared a Goose and a Swan, the one for his table, theother because she was reputed a good singer. One night when the Cookwent to kill the Goose he got hold of the Swan instead. Thereupon theSwan, to induce him to spare her life, began to sing; but she saved himnothing but the trouble of killing her, for she died of the song. The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass A Lion was about to attack a braying Ass, when a Cock near by crowedshrilly, and the Lion ran away. "What frightened him?" the Ass asked. "Lions have a superstitious terror of my voice, " answered the Cock, proudly. "Well, well, well, " said the Ass, shaking his head; "I should think thatany animal that is afraid of your voice and doesn't mind mine must havean uncommon kind of ear. " The Snake and the Swallow A Swallow who had built her nest in a court of justice reared a finefamily of young birds. One day a Snake came out of a chink in the walland was about to eat them. The Just Judge at once issued an injunction, and making an order for their removal to his own house, ate them himself. The Wolves and the Dogs "Why should there be strife between us?" said the Wolves to the Sheep. "It is all owing to those quarrelsome dogs. Dismiss them, and we shallhave peace. " "You seem to think, " replied the Sheep, "that it is an easy thing todismiss dogs. Have you always found it so?" The Hen and the Vipers A Hen who had patiently hatched out a brood of vipers, was accosted by aSwallow, who said: "What a fool you are to give life to creatures whowill reward you by destroying you. " "I am a little bit on the destroy myself, " said the Hen, tranquillyswallowing one of the little reptiles; "and it is not an act of folly toprovide oneself with the delicacies of the season. " A Seasonable Joke A Spendthrift, seeing a single swallow, pawned his cloak, thinking thatSummer was at hand. It was. The Lion and the Thorn A Lion roaming through the forest, got a thorn in his foot, and, meetinga Shepherd, asked him to remove it. The Shepherd did so, and the Lion, having just surfeited himself on another shepherd, went away withoutharming him. Some time afterward the Shepherd was condemned on a falseaccusation to be cast to the lions in the amphitheatre. When they wereabout to devour him, one of them said: "This is the man who removed the thorn from my foot. " Hearing this, the others honourably abstained, and the claimant ate theShepherd all himself. The Fawn and the Buck A Fawn said to its father: "You are larger, stronger, and more activethan a dog, and you have sharp horns. Why do you run away when you hearone barking?" "Because, my child, " replied the Buck, "my temper is so uncertain that ifI permit one of those noisy creatures to come into my presence I amlikely to forget myself and do him an injury. " The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk Some Pigeons exposed to the attacks of a Kite asked a Hawk to defendthem. He consented, and being admitted into the cote waited for theKite, whom he fell upon and devoured. When he was so surfeited that hecould scarcely move, the grateful Pigeons scratched out his eyes. The Wolf and the Babe A Famishing Wolf, passing the door of a cottage in the forest, heard aMother say to her babe: "Be quiet, or I will throw you out of the window, and the wolves will getyou. " So he waited all day below the window, growing more hungry all the time. But at night the Old Man, having returned from the village club, threwout both Mother and Child. The Wolf and the Ostrich A Wolf, who in devouring a man had choked himself with a bunch of keys, asked an ostrich to put her head down his throat and pull them out, whichshe did. "I suppose, " said the Wolf, "you expect payment for that service. " "A kind act, " replied the Ostrich, "is its own reward; I have eaten thekeys. " The Herdsman and the Lion A Herdsman who had lost a bullock entreated the gods to bring him thethief, and vowed he would sacrifice a goat to them. Just then a Lion, his jaws dripping with bullock's blood, approached the Herdsman. "I thank you, good deities, " said the Herdsman, continuing his prayer, "for showing me the thief. And now if you will take him away, I willstand another goat. " The Man and the Viper A Man finding a frozen Viper put it into his bosom. "The coldness of the human heart, " he said, with a grin, "will keep thecreature in his present condition until I can reach home and revive himon the coals. " But the pleasures of hope so fired his heart that the Viper thawed, andsliding to the ground thanked the Man civilly for his hospitality andglided away. The Man and the Eagle An Eagle was once captured by a Man, who clipped his wings and put him inthe poultry yard, along with the chickens. The Eagle was much depressedin spirits by the change. "Why should you not rather rejoice?" said the Man. "You were only anordinary fellow as an eagle; but as an old rooster you are a fowl ofincomparable distinction. " The War-horse and the Miller Having heard that the State was about to be invaded by a hostile army, aWar-horse belonging to a Colonel of the Militia offered his services to apassing Miller. "No, " said the patriotic Miller, "I will employ no one who deserts hisposition in the hour of danger. It is sweet to die for one's country. " Something in the sentiment sounded familiar, and, looking at the Millermore closely the War-horse recognised his master in disguise. The Dog and the Reflection A Dog passing over a stream on a plank saw his reflection in the water. "You ugly brute!" he cried; "how dare you look at me in that insolentway. " He made a grab in the water, and, getting hold of what he supposed wasthe other dog's lip, lifted out a fine piece of meat which a butcher'sboy had dropped into the stream. The Man and the Fish-horn A Truthful Man, finding a musical instrument in the road, asked the nameof it, and was told that it was a fish-horn. The next time he wentfishing he set his nets and blew the fish-horn all day to charm the fishinto them; but at nightfall there were not only no fish in his nets, butnone along that part of the coast. Meeting a friend while on his wayhome he was asked what luck he had had. "Well, " said the Truthful Man, "the weather is not right for fishing, butit's a red-letter day for music. " The Hare and the Tortoise A Hare having ridiculed the slow movements of a Tortoise, was challengedby the latter to run a race, a Fox to go to the goal and be the judge. They got off well together, the hare at the top of her speed, theTortoise, who had no other intention than making his antagonist exertherself, going very leisurely. After sauntering along for some time hediscovered the Hare by the wayside, apparently asleep, and seeing achance to win pushed on as fast as he could, arriving at the goal hoursafterward, suffering from extreme fatigue and claiming the victory. "Not so, " said the Fox; "the Hare was here long ago, and went back tocheer you on your way. " Hercules and the Carter A Carter was driving a waggon loaded with a merchant's goods, when thewheels stuck in a rut. Thereupon he began to pray to Hercules, withoutother exertion. "Indolent fellow!" said Hercules; "you ask me to help you, but will nothelp yourself. " So the Carter helped himself to so many of the most valuable goods thatthe horses easily ran away with the remainder. The Lion and the Bull A Lion wishing to lure a Bull to a place where it would be safe to attackhim, said: "My friend, I have killed a fine sheep; will you come with meand partake of the mutton?" "With pleasure, " said the Bull, "as soon as you have refreshed yourself alittle for the journey. Pray have some grass. " The Man and his Goose "See these valuable golden eggs, " said a Man that owned a Goose. "Surelya Goose which can lay such eggs as those must have a gold mine insideher. " So he killed the Goose and cut her open, but found that she was just likeany other goose. Moreover, on examining the eggs that she had laid hefound they were just like any other eggs. The Wolf and the Feeding Goat A Wolf saw a Goat feeding at the summit of a rock, where he could not getat her. "Why do you stay up there in that sterile place and go hungry?" said theWolf. "Down here where I am the broken-bottle vine cometh up as aflower, the celluloid collar blossoms as the rose, and the tin-can treebrings forth after its kind. " "That is true, no doubt, " said the Goat, "but how about the circus-postercrop? I hear that it failed this year down there. " The Wolf, perceiving that he was being chaffed, went away and resumed hisduties at the doors of the poor. Jupiter and the Birds Jupiter commanded all the birds to appear before him, so that he mightchoose the most beautiful to be their king. The ugly jackdaw, collectingall the fine feathers which had fallen from the other birds, attachedthem to his own body and appeared at the examination, looking very gay. The other birds, recognising their own borrowed plumage, indignantlyprotested, and began to strip him. "Hold!" said Jupiter; "this self-made bird has more sense than any ofyou. He is your king. " The Lion and the Mouse A Lion who had caught a Mouse was about to kill him, when the Mouse said: "If you will spare my life, I will do as much for you some day. " The Lion, good-naturedly let him go. It happened shortly afterwards thatthe Lion was caught by some hunters and bound with cords. The Mouse, passing that way, and seeing that his benefactor was helpless, gnawed offhis tail. The Old Man and His Sons An Old Man, afflicted with a family of contentious Sons, brought in abundle of sticks and asked the young men to break it. After repeatedefforts they confessed that it could not be done. "Behold, " said the OldMan, "the advantage of unity; as long as these sticks are in alliancethey are invincible, but observe how feeble they are individually. " Pulling a single stick from the bundle, he broke it easily upon the headof the eldest Son, and this he repeated until all had been served. The Crab and His Son A Logical Crab said to his Son, "Why do you not walk straight forward?Your sidelong gait is singularly ungraceful. " "Why don't you walk straight forward yourself, " said the Son. "Erring youth, " replied the Logical Crab, "you are introducing new andirrelevant matter. " The North Wind and the Sun The Sun and the North Wind disputed which was the more powerful, andagreed that he should be declared victor who could the sooner strip atraveller of his clothes. So they waited until a traveller came by. Butthe traveller had been indiscreet enough to stay over night at a summerhotel, and had no clothes. The Mountain and the Mouse A Mountain was in labour, and the people of seven cities had assembled towatch its movements and hear its groans. While they waited in breathlessexpectancy out came a Mouse. "Oh, what a baby!" they cried in derision. "I may be a baby, " said the Mouse, gravely, as he passed outward throughthe forest of shins, "but I know tolerably well how to diagnose avolcano. " The Bellamy and the Members The Members of a body of Socialists rose in insurrection against theirBellamy. "Why, " said they, "should we be all the time tucking you out with foodwhen you do nothing to tuck us out?" So, resolving to take no further action, they went away, and lookingbackward had the satisfaction to see the Bellamy compelled to sell hisown book. OLD SAWS WITH NEW TEETHCERTAIN ANCIENT FABLES APPLIED TOTHE LIFE OF OUR TIMES The Wolf and the Crane A Rich Man wanted to tell a certain lie, but the lie was of suchmonstrous size that it stuck in his throat; so he employed an Editor towrite it out and publish it in his paper as an editorial. But when theEditor presented his bill, the Rich Man said: "Be content--is it nothing that I refrained from advising you aboutinvestments?" The Lion and the Mouse A Judge was awakened by the noise of a lawyer prosecuting a Thief. Risingin wrath he was about to sentence the Thief to life imprisonment when thelatter said: "I beg that you will set me free, and I will some day requite yourkindness. " Pleased and flattered to be bribed, although by nothing but an emptypromise, the Judge let him go. Soon afterward he found that it was morethan an empty promise, for, having become a Thief, he was himself setfree by the other, who had become a Judge. The Hares and the Frogs The Members of a Legislature, being told that they were the meanestthieves in the world, resolved to commit suicide. So they boughtshrouds, and laying them in a convenient place prepared to cut theirthroats. While they were grinding their razors some Tramps passing thatway stole the shrouds. "Let us live, my friends, " said one of the Legislators to the others;"the world is better than we thought. It contains meaner thieves thanwe. " The Belly and the Members Some Workingmen employed in a shoe factory went on a strike, saying: "Whyshould we continue to work to feed and clothe our employer when we havenone too much to eat and wear ourselves?" The Manufacturer, seeing that he could get no labour for a long time andfinding the times pretty hard anyhow, burned down his shoe factory forthe insurance, and when the strikers wanted to resume work there was nowork to resume. So they boycotted a tanner. The Piping Fisherman An Editor who was always vaunting the purity, enterprise, andfearlessness of his paper was pained to observe that he got nosubscribers. One day it occurred to him to stop saying that his paperwas pure and enterprising and fearless, and make it so. "If these arenot good qualities, " he reasoned, "it is folly to claim them. " Under the new policy he got so many subscribers that his rivalsendeavoured to discover the secret of his prosperity, but he kept it, andwhen he died it died with him. The Ants and the Grasshopper Some Members of a Legislature were making schedules of their wealth atthe end of the session, when an Honest Miner came along and asked them todivide with him. The members of the Legislature inquired: "Why did you not acquire property of your own?" "Because, " replied the Honest Miner, "I was so busy digging out gold thatI had no leisure to lay up something worth while. " Then the Members of the Legislature derided him, saying: "If you waste your time in profitless amusement, you cannot, of course, expect to share the rewards of industry. " The Dog and His Reflection A State Official carrying off the Dome of the Capitol met the Ghost ofhis predecessor, who had come out of his political grave to warn him thatGod saw him. As the place of meeting was lonely and the time midnight, the State Official set down the Dome of the Capitol, and commanded thesupposed traveller to throw up his hands. The Ghost replied that he hadnot eaten them, and while he was explaining the situation another StateOfficial silently added the dome to his own collection. The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox Two Thieves having stolen a Piano and being unable to divide it fairlywithout a remainder went to law about it and continued the contest aslong as either one could steal a dollar to bribe the judge. When theycould give no more an Honest Man came along and by a single small paymentobtained a judgment and took the Piano home, where his daughter used itto develop her biceps muscles, becoming a famous pugiliste. The Ass and the Lion's Skin A Member of the State Militia stood at a street corner, scowlingstormily, and the people passing that way went a long way around him, thinking of the horrors of war. But presently, in order to terrify themstill more, he strode toward them, when, his sword entangling his legs, he fell upon the field of glory, and the people passed over him singingtheir sweetest songs. The Ass and the Grasshoppers A Statesman heard some Labourers singing at their work, and wishing to behappy too, asked them what made them so. "Honesty, " replied the Labourers. So the Statesman resolved that he too would be honest, and the result wasthat he died of want. The Wolf and the Lion An Indian who had been driven out of a fertile valley by a White Settler, said: "Now that you have robbed me of my land, there is nothing for me to dobut issue invitations to a war-dance. " "I don't so much mind your dancing, " said the White Settler, putting afresh cartridge into his rifle, "but if you attempt to make me dance youwill become a good Indian lamented by all who didn't know you. How did_you_ get this land, anyhow?" The Indian's claim was compromised for a plug hat and a tin horn. The Hare and the Tortoise Of two Writers one was brilliant but indolent; the other though dull, industrious. They set out for the goal of fame with equal opportunities. Before they died the brilliant one was detected in seventy languages asthe author of but two or three books of fiction and poetry, while theother was honoured in the Bureau of Statistics of his native land as thecompiler of sixteen volumes of tabulated information relating to thedomestic hog. The Milkmaid and Her Bucket A Senator fell to musing as follows: "With the money which I shall getfor my vote in favour of the bill to subsidise cat-ranches, I can buy akit of burglar's tools and open a bank. The profit of that enterprisewill enable me to obtain a long, low, black schooner, raise a death's-head flag and engage in commerce on the high seas. From my gains in thatbusiness I can pay for the Presidency, which at $50, 000 a year will giveme in four years--" but it took him so long to make the calculation thatthe bill to subsidise cat-ranches passed without his vote, and he wascompelled to return to his constituents an honest man, tormented with aclean conscience. King Log and King Stork The People being dissatisfied with a Democratic Legislature, which stoleno more than they had, elected a Republican one, which not only stole allthey had but exacted a promissory note for the balance due, secured by amortgage upon their hope of death. The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion A Foolish Fellow who had been told that he was a great man believed it, and got himself appointed a Commissioner to the Interasylum Exposition ofPreserved Idiots. At the first meeting of the Board he was mistaken forone of the exhibits, and the janitor was ordered to remove him to hisappropriate glass case. "Alas!" he exclaimed as he was carried out, "why was I not content toremain where the cut of my forehead is so common as to be known as thePacific Slope?" The Monkey and the Nuts A Certain City desiring to purchase a site for a public Deformatoryprocured an appropriation from the Government of the country. Deemingthis insufficient for purchase of the site and payment of reasonablecommissions to themselves, the men in charge of the matter asked for alarger sum, which was readily given. Believing that the fountain couldnot be dipped dry, they applied for still more and more yet. Wearied atlast by their importunities, the Government said it would be damned if itgave anything. So it gave nothing and was damned all the harder. The Boys and the Frogs Some editors of newspapers were engaged in diffusing general intelligenceand elevating the moral sentiment of the public. They had been doingthis for some time, when an Eminent Statesman stuck his head out of thepool of politics, and, speaking for the members of his profession, said: "My friends, I beg you will desist. I know you make a great deal ofmoney by this kind of thing, but consider the damage you inflict upon thebusiness of others!"