Fables for the Times. _By_ H. W. Phillips. _Illustrated by_ T. R. Sullivant. Contents The Baa-Sheep and the LionThe Dog and the MeatThe Fox and the GrapesThe Fox and the CrowThe Ass in the Lion's SkinThe Horse and the OysterThe Monkey and the AssThe Merchant and the FoolThe Wolf and the SheepThe Ambitious HippopotamusThe Man and the SerpentThe Appreciative ManOn the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the OstrichThe Idol and the AssThe Bee and JupiterThe Lion and the BoarThe Tiger and the DeerThe Old Man, His Son and the AssThe Shipwrecked TravelerThe Discontented Woman The Baa-Sheep and the Lion. A baa-sheep was lying under the paw of a black-maned lion. Whatever wasgoing to be done had to be done quickly. A thought flashed upon the sheepand he said: "Most dread lord and master, I have heard your voice extolled beyond thatof all others. Will you not sing me a little selection from Wagner before Idie?" The lion, touched in his vanity, immediately started up and roared awayuntil the goose-flesh stood out on the rocks. When he had finished, thesheep was in tears. "What means this?" growled the lion in a rage. "Do you presume to criticisemy singing?" "Oh, no!" sobbed the sheep. "That is not it. But I have heard that wool wasthe worst thing in the world for the voice, and when I think of the ruin ofthat beautiful organ of yours, consequent upon eating me, I weep to thinkthat I was not born hairless. " The lion regarded him out of the corner of his eye. Then, in his grandestmanner, said: "Run along home to your ma, little sheep; I was only playingwith you, " and walked off through the forest with a great deal of dignity. [Illustration: The Baa-Sheep and the Lion. ] The Dog and the Meat. A dog with a piece of meat in his mouth was crossing a bridge over a placidstream. On looking down he saw another dog with a precisely similar pieceof meat in the water below him. "That's a singular incident, " he thought tohimself as he prepared to jump in. "But hold a minute! The angle ofincidence is always equal to the angle of reflection. Upon reflection, Ifind that the other dog and the meat are only optical phenomena. " And hetrotted on his way to Boston without further thought about the matter. [Illustration: The Dog and the Meat. ] The Fox and the Grapes. A fox stood under an apple-tree and gazed up earnestly at the globes ofyellow lusciousness. "How sad, for the sake of an old-time piece ofliterature, " he said, "that the fox is a carnivorous animal and doesn'tcare particularly about fruit!" IMMORAL: We all have plenty of faults without the Truly Good taking the trouble toinvent them for us. [Illustration: The Fox and the Grapes. ] The Fox and the Crow. A crow, having stolen a piece of flesh, perched in a tree to enjoy it atleisure. A fox saw her, and, being hungry, thought he would employ a littlediplomacy to get the meat away from her. "What a prima-donna the crow would be, " he said, looking at her with mockadmiration, "if she only had a voice proportional to her otherattractions!" The crow promptly dropped the piece of flesh on his head, completelyblinding him, and before he could recover from his surprise, lit on hisback and began to peck him viciously. "I'll have you to know, " she cawed, "that I'm a proper lady, and the man that compares me to them shamelessFrench singing hussies is going to get hurt. " IMMORAL: Don't praise the soft whiteness of a labor delegate's hands. [Illustration: The Fox and the Crow. ] The Ass in the Lion's Skin. An ass, by some means unknown to the writer, having managed to get into alion's skin, ran around the neighborhood frightening the beasts into fits. When he brayed, they said: "Jupiter! what a magnificent bass voice he has!"and he was the pantata of that district until he died of old age. IMMORAL: A good bluff, well chucked, is liable to do considerable execution. [Illustration: The Ass in the Lion's Skin. ] The Horse and the Oyster. A very prancy horse, discovering an oyster on the sea-shore, thought toshow off a little and make the oyster envious. After he had done some surprising leaps and curvetings, he went up to theoyster, and, with a toss of his head, said: "There! what do you think of that?" "You must excuse me, " answered the bivalve, "but I have been blind frombirth, and missed the whole show. " IMMORAL: Of what use is a dress suit in the Desert of Sahara? [Illustration: The Horse and the Oyster. ] The Monkey and the Ass. An ass, having seen a monkey doing tricks on a roof, to the edification ofthe villagers, became envious, and essayed to emulate his more agile rival. The roof broke under his greater weight, and he fell through on his master, squashing him flatter than a pan-cake. Thenceforward, having no one to sayhim nay, he lived a life of peace and plenty, coming and going at his ownsweet will, while the monkey was captured by an organ grinder and workseighteen hours a day. IMMORAL: People are not always such asses as they seem to us. [Illustration: The Monkey and the Ass. ] The Merchant and the Fool. A merchant of horses was driving his stock to the market. On the road hemet a venerable old fool, who offered to buy his entire stock. "It is this way, " said the intended purchaser, "I will take your horsesnow, and whenever I find use for one, I will send you the money for it. " "Now the gods be lenient to folly!" exclaimed the indignant merchant. "Man, Man! where in the realm of idiocy did you get your knowledge ofbusiness?" "I ran a pay-on-publication journal for ten years, " said the fool withasperity. But the merchant had vanished in a cloud of oaths and dust. [Illustration: The Merchant and the Fool. ] The Wolf and the Sheep. A wolf that had been left for dead by the dogs lay not far from a runningbrook. He felt that one good drink might save his life. Just then a sheeppassed near. "Pray, sister, " said he very gently, but with a sinister twinkle of his eyeteeth, "bring me some water from yon stream. " "Certainly, " said the sheep, and she brought him a glass in which she hadpoured a few knock-out drops. As she sat on his corpse a little later shemoralized in this manner: "Some clever people are wicked, but all wickedpeople are not clever by a d----d sight. " [Illustration: The Wolf and the Sheep. ] The Ambitious Hippopotamus. A hippopotamus who had dwelt contentedly for years on the banks of a reedystream, looked up one day and saw an eagle. She became immediately fired with a desire to fly. Having lived a staid andrespectable life that could not but find favor in the eyes of the gods, sheraised her voice in prayer. Jove smiled a little, but granted her request. On the instant a pair of broad, powerful wings were affixed to hershoulders. She was naturally a trifle nervous about trying them at first, but finallymustered up her courage. Away she swooped, and with a pardonable vanity took her course over a pieceof jungle where some old friends lived. Precisely thirty-eight seconds later a convention of animals, all swearingand trembling with fright, were trying to conceal themselves in the samethree-by-four hole in the ground. The effect on the other animals disconcerted the good-natured hippopotamusto such an extent that she lost control of herself and sailed through theforest like an avalanche on a bender. Down went the trees and crack wentthe branches, while horror-stricken beasts with bristling hair split thewelkin with their shrieks. The hippopotamus made for home at her best speed. Arriving over thefamiliar spot, she let go all holds and came down ker-splash in the mud, knocking the astonished little hippopotamuses out into mid-stream. "Oh, Jupiter! take 'em off!" she gasped. "I now see that the hippopotamuswas not intended to fly. " IMMORAL: It takes more than nine bloomers to make a man. [Illustration: The Ambitious Hippopotamus. ] The Man and the Serpent. A man, who had lived a beautiful purple life, went to sleep under a tree inthe forest. Jove sent a huge serpent to destroy him. The man awakened asthe reptile drew near. "What a horrid sight!" he said. "But let us be thankful that thepink-and-green elephant and the feathered hippopotamus are not also inevidence. " And he took a dose of bromide and commended himself again to sleep, whilethe serpent withdrew in some confusion. WHAT THIS PROVES TO A THINKING MIND: Jove himself couldn't get a job as Sunday-School Superintendent on hisreputation. [Illustration: The Man and the Serpent. ] The Appreciative Man. A man stood in the archway of an ancient temple. He took in the wonderfulproportions and drank of the exquisite detail in an ecstasy of delight. "Oh, great is art!" he cried in a frenzy. "Art is all! the only God!" Just then an earthquake came mumbling along and jarred the whole countryloose. As the man picked himself out of the jumbled-up ruins into the dust-filledair, he encountered a lion who had lost his tail and his temper in the_mélée_. "Well, where's your art now?" snarled the lion. [1] "All in my eye, I reckon, " answered the man, as he bathed his damagedoptic. [Illustration: The Appreciative Man. ] On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich. An ostrich, who was closely pursued by a hunter, suddenly thrust his headdeep down into the sand. "Ah! ah!" exulted the hunter, "I have the silly thing at last. " He advancedto place a rope around the bird's legs; but the ostrich, who had accuratelytimed his arrival, landed a kick in the pit of his stomach that sent himinto the hereafter like a bullet through a fog-bank. IMMORAL: "Umph, " said the ostrich as he surveyed his victim, "because a man lookssad at the opening of a jack-pot, it doesn't necessarily follow that he'sonly got ace-high. " [Illustration: On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich. ] The Idol and the Ass. An ass felt it his duty to destroy superstition, so he went up to the brassidol in the market-place and gave it a vigorous kick. A dog came to him as he lay groaning on the ground, nursing his broken leg, and said, "Well, did you prove anything?" "Nothing, " said the other. "Except that I am an ass. " Deductions to be drawn: Any old thing. [Illustration: The Idol and the Ass. ] The Bee and Jupiter. A Bee, the queen of all the hives, ascended to Olympus with a present ofsome super-refined honey for Jupiter. The god was delighted with the honey, and in return offered to grant anyrequest the Bee might make. "Give to me, I pray, O Lord of the Heavens! a sting, that, small and weakas I am, I may not be defenceless against my enemies. " Jupiter was quite put out at this demand, as he knew the weapon would beused principally against mankind, whom he much loved. But a god's promisemust be kept, so he said: "It is granted you. " "Many thanks, most potent one!" cried the Bee, running the new-gainedweapon in and out with much satisfaction. Jupiter sternly cut short her thanks, and continued: "In using this means of defense and offense you will imperil your own life, for the sting shall remain in the wound it makes and you shall die from theloss of it. " The Bee flew around for a moment, and then lit on the back of the god'sneck. "You will kindly reconsider that last clause, " she said, "or, " in a verymeaning tone, "I die right here. " Jupiter felt a cold chill take its agitated way up his spinal column. "All right, " he said, hastily. "I don't want to be small about it. Have ityour own way. Only please get off my neck!" The Bee went joyously back to earth, humming a song of praise. IMMORAL: How to play a cinch (Hoyle). "Put both feet on the encircled object. Rosin the hands, take a long breath and _Pull_. " [Illustration: The Bee and Jupiter. ] The Lion and the Boar. One Sunday, when the new administration had induced a general thirst, alion and a boar came at the same moment to a corner spring to drink. "Have one with me, " said the lion. "No, sir; this is on me, " said the boar. From words they came to blows, and while they were in the press of combatthe clock struck one A. M. And they had to go home cold-sober and disgusted. IMMORAL: Reform is just the thing for angels. [Illustration: The Lion and the Boar. ] The Tiger and the Deer. One day a tiger, who had grown remorseful over his murderous career, resolved to turn over a new leaf and live on terms of friendly interestwith the other animals of the forest. He started out on a campaign of pacification. The first animal he met wasthe deer, whom he addressed in the most courteous and beautiful oflanguage, assuring him of his undying affection. "Bunco!" yelled the deer, as he skipped away from there at the rate of tenseconds in even time. IMMORAL: It is useless to attempt to gain the good-will of suspicious characters. [Illustration: The Tiger and the Deer. ] The Old Man, His Son and the Ass. An old man and his little boy were once driving an ass to the market-place. "What's the matter with one of you riding?" said a passer-by. So the manput his boy on the ass and they went on. The next person they met said itwas a shame to see a boy ride while an old man walked. The man lifted theboy off and got on himself. This also excited adverse comment, and the mantook the boy up behind him. The next critic was a member of the S. P. C. A. , and he upbraided them both roundly, saying that they would better carry theass than he them. Thereupon they tied the ass's legs to a long pole andcarried him between them. While crossing the bridge, into the town, theman stumbled and the ass fell into the water and was drowned. Theypromptly sued the city for damages, and compromised on $263, more thaneight times the value of the ass. IMMORAL: Hard luck cannot touch smooth people. [Illustration: The Old Man, His Son and the Ass. ] The Shipwrecked Traveler. A man who had traveled over many countries was shipwrecked off the coast ofOpera land. After a desperate battle with the waves he managed to near theshore where the cruel waves played with him like a cat with a mouse. Hewould pull himself up the beach, half fainting, and a great, dancing, hissing breaker would pounce upon him and drive him back. He called for help until the inhabitants espied him. They came in a group, the women costumed as milkmaids and the men ascavaliers. After making about twenty feet the company stopped. "Oh! save him, save him!" sang the soprano. "Yes, yes! we will save him!" sang back the tenor. Then everybody sang "Save him, save him; oh, yes, we will save him, savehim from _the sea_!!!" The sopranos took a B flat on the last note, while the tenors and altosrambled up and down the scale and the bassos bombarded the theme with theirdeepest chest tones. In the meantime the traveler had been washed out to sea. As the next wavebrought him to the strand the company advanced once more a short distance, and began. "In the name of Mercy, help me!" screamed the drowning man. "Oh, hear his piteous cry, " sang the tenors, and the prima donna steppedout and sang a beautiful aria beginning "Now the cruel waves advancing. "After she had finished the bass got in front of the company. He described how his strong arm had plucked the stranger from a waterygrave, and advanced to the beach to suit the action to the words. But, alas! the traveler had given up the ghost several minutes before. Thenthe company sang a miserere and went home to lunch. IMMORAL: The finest of Raphael's canvases would make a poor overcoat. [Illustration: The Shipwrecked Traveler. ] The Discontented Woman. A woman who was dissatisfied with her husband loudly petitioned Jove tosend her another. The god listened favorably to her petition and sent hera demigod. In less than a week the woman was bewailing her lot again, saying she nevercared for mixed goods anyhow, and that while the god-half of her presenthusband might be all right, the man-half snored and chewed tobacco. Jove, wearied by her ill-humored persistency, took back the demi-god and sent hera man out of the Yellow Book for husband, instead. Up to the present writing the lady in question hasn't discovered where sheis at. IMMORAL: Hysterics and Art are only relations by marriage. [Illustration: The Discontented Woman. ] [Footnote 1: (editorial note) This was corrected from the original, which