Transcriber's note Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. A fewprinter errors have been changed, and are listed at the end. All otherinconsistencies are as in the original. The author's spelling has beenmaintained. THE PLAYS OF HENRY ARTHUR JONES DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES AUTHOR OF "THE LIARS, " "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL, " "THE TEMPTER, " "THE CRUSADERS, " "JUDAH, " "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS SUSAN, " "THE DANCING GIRL, " "THE MIDDLEMAN, " "THE ROGUE'S COMEDY, " "THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES, " "THE MASQUERADERS, " "THE MANOEUVRES OF JANE, " "CARNACSAHIB, " "THE GOAL, " "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE, " "THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL, " "THE PRINCESS'S NOSE, " ETC. "Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement sage. Il n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passé par la tête. " VOLTAIRE. COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES PRICE 50 CENTS NEW YORK | LONDON. SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST, 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES "Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement sage. Il n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passé par la tête. " VOLTAIRE. COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES CAUTION--This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of theUnited States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the playwithout the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable topenalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must bemade to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City. _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED_ NEW YORK | LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND "The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;--ascene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintainingcomparison with Sheridan. " Mr. A. B. Walkley--The London Times. "This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surelyas good a comedy as he has ever written. I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is hishumor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift whichprevents him from dancing on us--that gift of humor whereby he iscontent to take us just as we are. No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and noneobserves more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Otherplaywrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none ofthem creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones. Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious ofit while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are awaremerely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedomand naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the artof it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the moreadmirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and inthe whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not eventhe butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant tothis question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formalpattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in pointis "Can we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is workednot through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people ina country-house. The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly andher husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finestsense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jonesmay well be proud. " Mr. Max Beerbohm--The Saturday Review. TO MISS ETHEL IRVING My Dear Miss Irving, Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success atthe Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance ofDolly? Faithfully yours Henry Arthur Jones. The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly ReformingHerself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd. , 1908. CAST. _Harry Telfer_ (Dolly's Husband) MR. ROBERT LORAINE_Matthew Barron_ (Dolly's Father) MR. C. M. LOWNE_Captain Lucas Wentworth_ (Dolly's Cousin) MR. CHARLES R. MAUDE_Professor Sturgess_ MR. E. LYALL SWETE_The Rev. James Pilcher_ (Vicar of Crookbury) MR. HERBERT BUNSTON_Criddle_ MR. GILBERT PORTEOUS_Mrs. Harry Telfer_ (Dolly) MISS ETHEL IRVING_Mrs. Sturgess_ (Renie) MISS MARGARET HALSTAN_Peters_ (Dolly's Maid) MISS ADA WEBSTER PERSONS REPRESENTED. HARRY TELFER (Dolly's husband). MATTHEW BARRON (Dolly's father). CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH (Dolly's cousin). PROFESSOR STURGESS. THE REVEREND JAMES PILCHER (Vicar of Crookbury. )CRIDDLE. MRS. HARRY TELFER (Dolly). MRS. STURGESS (Renie). PETERS (Dolly's maid). ACT I. SCENE. --THE DRAWING-ROOM AT HARRY TELFER'S, THE GABLES, CROOKBURY GREEN, SURREY. _Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1907. ACT II. SCENE. --THE SAME. _Time_--AFTER DINNER ON THE SAME DAY. ACT III. SCENE. --THE SAME. _Time_--LATER ON THE SAME NIGHT. ACT IV. SCENE. --THE SAME. _Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1908. Dolly Reforming Herself ACT I. SCENE: _Drawing-room at_ HARRY TELFER'S, _The Gables, Crookbury Green, Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. Atthe back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. Allalong the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory whichis entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the leftside is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsomewriting-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing theaudience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the leftcentre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Rightcentre down stage is a larger table. _ TIME: _The afternoon of_ 1ST _January_, 1907. _Discover at writing-table, back to audience_, DOLLY TELFER, _a brightlittle woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending overher, back to audience, is her father_, MATT BARRON, _a pleasant-looking, easy-going cynic of sixty. _ HARRY TELFER, DOLLY'S _husband, an ordinarygood-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, isstanding with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading ascientific book, is_ PROFESSOR STURGESS, _a hard, dry, narrow, fattishscientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a Frenchnovel, is_ RENIE STURGESS, _the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsomewoman about thirty_. _Harry_. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as arule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it, rouser at the Watch-night Service last night. _Matt_. [_Turning round_. ] I wonder what precise difference this rousingsermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it. _Harry_. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. Atleast, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself avery bad sort of fellow, do you? _Matt_. N-o--No---- _Harry_. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly?[DOLLY _takes no notice_. ] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've gota heap of--well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and soon, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off. _Matt_. That will be a score for Pilcher--that is, if you do knock themoff. _Harry_. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night, didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY _takes no notice_. ] Dolly too! Dolly was awfullyimpressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly? _Matt_. [_Looking round at_ DOLLY'S _back_. ] Dolly was awfullyimpressed? _Harry_. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'dgive her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within herallowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly? _Matt_. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher--that is, if Dollydoes live within her allowance. _Harry. _ Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly? _Dolly. _ [_Turns round on her stool, bills in hand. _] I think it'sdisgraceful! _Matt. _ What? _Dolly. _ These tradespeople! [_Comes down to_ MATT. ] I'm almost sureI've paid this bill once--if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirtyshillings in the addition--you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that upfor me. My head is so muddled. [_Giving the bill to_ MATT. _Harry. _ Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not tohave any more bills? _Dolly. _ It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessedthought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful! [_Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to writing-table. _ _Harry. _ Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarmingamount, do you? _Dolly. _ Oh no! Oh _no_! And if you'll only help me as you promised---- _Harry. _ We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean togive you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all yourdebts. _Dolly. _ Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it? _Harry. _ I've done it so often! You remember the last time? _Dolly. _ [_Making a wry face. _] Yes, I remember the last time. _Harry. _ And here we are again! _Dolly. _ Oh, don't talk like a clown! _Harry. _ But, my dear Dolly, here we are again. _Dolly. _ Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! Iwas born without it! _Matt. _ [_Hands her the bill. _] The addition is quite correct. _Dolly. _ [_Taking the bill. _] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paidit! [_Looking at bill. _] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. ProfessorSturgess---- _Prof. _ [_Looks up from his book_] Yes? _Dolly. _ You understand all about psychology and the way our brainswork. _Prof. _ I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claimthat I understand them. _Dolly. _ But wouldn't you say---- _Prof. _ What? _Dolly. _ I'm morally certain I've paid this bill. _Matt. _ Have you got the receipt? _Dolly. _ No! I must have mislaid it. _Matt. _ When, and where did you pay it? _Dolly. _ I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now---- _Matt. _ And now----? _Dolly. _ Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent noterequesting immediate payment. _Prof. _ What is the particular brain process that you wish me toexplain? _Dolly. _ How do you account for my having the most vivid impression thatI've paid it--so vivid that I cannot shake it off? _Prof. _ Well--a---- _Matt. _ Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the femininemind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact? _Dolly. _ My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: thirty-four, seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks andGarnet's shop again! * * * * * _Enter_ CRIDDLE. [_Announces_. ] Captain Wentworth! _Enter_ CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH, _a good-looking smart young army man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _At_ CAPTAIN WENTWORTH'S _entrance_ RENIE _shows keen interest, throws him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with_ DOLLY. _Dolly. _ Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more! _Lucas. _ Same to you. [_Shaking hands. _] Happy New Year, everybody! Goodafternoon, Harry! [_Nodding to_ HARRY. _Harry. _ Ditto, Lu. _Lucas. _ Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year! [_Shaking hands. _ _Matt. _ Happy New Year, Lucas! _Lucas. _ Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess. [_Shaking hands with_ RENIE. _Renie. _ Good afternoon. _Lucas. _ None the worse for your outing last night, I hope? _Renie. _ Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all verymuch better. _Dolly. _ May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess--my cousin CaptainWentworth. _Lucas. _ How d'ye do? _Prof. _ How d'ye do? _Matt. _ So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear? _Lucas. _ Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking upthis new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him. _Matt. _ A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a coldchurch; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. Ihope the sermon thoroughly braced you up! _Lucas. _ It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be. _Matt. _ Here's another score for Pilcher! _Dolly. _ Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneeringat Mr. Pilcher! _Matt. _ I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderfulsermon, and trace its results on all of you. _Dolly. _ Well, you can see its results. [LUCAS _has got near to_ RENIE, _stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tailpocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in hernovel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her. _] Take only our ownfamily. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you saidMr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply---- _Renie. _ Yes, dear, very deeply. _Dolly. _ Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good. _Lucas. _ Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straightoff, because--well--I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if Itried---- _Matt. _ That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that Ishouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're notgoing to let his sermon be wasted. _Lucas. _ Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about, and do a bit of New Year's tidying up. [_He is standing over_ RENIE, _who has opened his letter in her novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her, and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory. _ _Enter_ CRIDDLE. _Criddle. _ [_Announcing. _] Mr. Pilcher! _Enter the_ REVEREND JAMES PILCHER, _a big, strong, bright, genial, manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _Dolly. _ How d'ye do? [_Shaking hands. _ _Pilcher. _ How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr. Barron! _Matt. _ [_Shaking hands. _] A happy New Year. _Pilcher. _ How do again, Telfer? _Harry. _ How are you? _Pilcher. _ Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess. _Renie. _ Good morning. [_At_ PILCHER'S _entrance she has hidden her French novel behind her in the chair. In shaking hands with_ PILCHER _it drops on to the floor and_ LUCAS'S _letter drops out. _ LUCAS _goes to pick it up, _ MR. PILCHER _is before him, picks up the novel and letter and hands them to_ RENIE. _In taking them she shows some confusion. _ _Pilcher. _ [_Genially. _] Improving the New Year by getting a thoroughknowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see. _Renie. _ [_Confused. _] No!--I had begun the book a week ago and so Ithought--a--I'd better finish it. _Lucas. _ Good morning, Mr. Pilcher. _Pilcher. _ [_Shaking hands. _] Good morning. _Lucas. _ Rattling good sermon you gave us last night. _Pilcher. _ I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear. _Lucas. _ Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess? [_With a sly little look and shake of the head at_ RENIE. _Renie. _ I thoroughly enjoyed it! _Pilcher. _ [_A little surprised. _] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make youall very uncomfortable! _Dolly. _ Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don'tthink you've met Professor Sturgess? _Pilcher. _ [_Advancing to_ PROFESSOR. ] No, but I've read his book, "Man, the Automaton. " _Prof. _ [_Bowing. _] Not with disapproval, I trust? _Pilcher. _ [_Shaking hands very cordially. _] With the most profounddisapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism! _Prof. _ I'm sorry! _Pilcher. _ Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will. _Prof. _ Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that freewill is a purely subjective illusion. _Dolly. _ Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't doit? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair![_She goes and touches it. _] There! [_Triumphantly. _] I've done it! Thatshows I've got free will. [_The_ PROFESSOR _shakes his head. _] Well, then how did I do it? _Prof. _ I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touchit, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession ornon-possession of a criminal impulse---- _Dolly. _ I haven't any criminal impulses---- _Prof. _ [_Shakes his head and goes on. _] Your yielding to that criminalimpulse or your not yielding to it--all these states of consciousnessare entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement ofcertain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, youact according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make thatcondition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are notresponsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, seeing thatyour thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulseswhich you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated bythe condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter! _Dolly. _ [_Has at first listened with great attention, but has grownbewildered as the_ PROFESSOR _goes on. _] I don't care anything about mygray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills! _Pilcher. _ [_Turning to_ RENIE. ] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with theProfessor's doctrine? _Renie. _ No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines--it's horrid. _Prof. _ The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true. _Pilcher. _ What do you think, Mr. Barron? _Matt. _ It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dollyand Harry solve it! _Dolly. _ See us solve it! How? _Matt. _ You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon lastnight. _Pilcher. _ You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon? _Matt. _ Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached anage when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherishedbad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reformingmyself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reformthemselves. _Dolly. _ Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the mostcynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times aday. [RENIE _strolls casually into conservatory by lower door. _ LUCAS _casually follows her. _ _Matt. _ And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question offree will and moral responsibility, I'll bet you, Harry, a simplefiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozenpairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, andthat on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny thebetter for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night. _Harry. _ A fiver! Done! _Dolly. _ I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisianhats, and a dozen pairs of gloves! _Matt. _ Done, my dear! _Pilcher. _ I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture torecall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned mycongregation against, last night! _Harry. _ By Jove, yes--I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if youwish us to cry off---- _Pilcher. _ Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternativeplan which was tried with great success in my late parish---- _Dolly. _ What was that? _Pilcher. _ A very capital good fellow--an auctioneer and land surveyor, my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling--found that in spite ofconstant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creepingupon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, anoccasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, heactually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling---- _Dolly. _ [_Looking at_ HARRY. ] Oh! Ah! _Matt. _ Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order. _Pilcher. _ We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control. _Dolly. _ How? _Pilcher. _ My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road tobankruptcy. By the way, our Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, Igave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large toadmit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed intoone of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of myBlanket Club---- _Harry. _ Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent usfrom the Hospital for Incurables? _Dolly. _ In the cupboard in the next room. _Harry. _ Right-o! No time like the present! [_Exit. _] _Matt. _ And how did you get out of this dilemma? _Pilcher. _ Dilemma? _Matt. _ Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must havebeen an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continueto use bad language to his wife? _Pilcher. _ We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance wasconsiderably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improvedunder the stress of the fines. _Re-enter_ HARRY _with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables. "_ _Harry. _ [_Placing the box on the table. _] There! My name's Jobling forthe present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours. _Pilcher. _ Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff---- _Harry. _ Tariff? _Pilcher. _ Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove, "was a mere sixpence. _Harry. _ Oh! [_Feels in his pocket. _ _Pilcher. _ Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale. _Harry. _ Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [_Takes six pence out of his pocketand puts it in his box. _] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all thesebad little tricks---- _Matt. _ [_To_ DOLLY, _pointing to the money-box. _] Are you going tocontribute? _Dolly. _ [_Snappishly. _] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills. _Matt. _ [_To_ PILCHER. ] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowesttariff for ladies? _Dolly. _ Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your owncontribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my fatherescape. _Pilcher. _ I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-poundnote that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutionsinto practice? _Matt. _ With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note fromHarry and a new hat from Dolly. _Pilcher. _ I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I canoffer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over yourdaughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to anexcellent charity! _Matt. _ H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let mesee! [_Looking round, his eye falls on_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _who, at the beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in their conversation. The_ PROFESSOR _talking to_ HARRY _and not noticing. _ _Renie. _ [_Becoming aware that_ MATT _is watching them. _] Yes, thatarrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardenercalls a "sport"---- _Lucas. _ [_Examining the flower. _] Jolly good sport, too! _Matt. _ I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here---- _Renie. _ [_Coming to him. _] Sport? What sport? can we join? _Matt. _ That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of youhere, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And youare all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so? _Dolly. _ Yes! _Harry. _ I know I am. _Matt. _ Mrs. Sturgess? _Renie. _ Yes, indeed! _Matt. _ Lucas, you? _Lucas. _ Yes, Uncle. _Matt. _ On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereignin that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that hehas broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year. _Lucas. _ I say, not all our bad habits? _Matt. _ H'm. I don't wish to be exacting--I've no doubt each of you hashis own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on yourhonour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness--and ingoes my sovereign. _Lucas. _ You don't really mean it? _Matt. _ Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and--spoil sport, eh? _Lucas. _ Oh, I don't mind coming in--just for the lark of the thing. _Matt. _ Then you all agree? _Dolly. _ Oh yes. _Harry. _ Certainly. _Matt. _ Mrs. Sturgess? _Renie. _ We don't know where we may be next Christmas. _Dolly. _ You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept? _Renie. _ Yes, delighted, if my husband---- _Prof. _ Very pleased. _Matt. _ Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a veryhandsome offer. _Pilcher. _ Very handsome. [_Taking out watch. _] I hope our friends willcordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club. _Dolly. _ You'll stay for a cup of tea? _Pilcher. _ I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must begoing; good afternoon, Professor! _Prof. _ Good afternoon. _Pilcher. _ Good afternoon, Telfer. _Harry. _ Good afternoon. _Pilcher. _ Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess. _Renie. _ Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon. [_Shaking hands. _ _Pitcher. _ Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've producedsuch an invigorating New Year atmosphere. [RENIE _moves her French novel. _ _Matt. _ And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow! _Lucas. _ Rather! I shall come again next year. [_Shaking hands. _ _Pilcher. _ Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of myeloquence. _Matt. _ [_Tapping the money-box. _] We shall! _Pilcher. _ Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer. _Dolly. _ Good-bye. [_Rings bell. _ _Pilcher. _ Good-bye, Mr. Barron. _Matt. _ Good-bye. _Pilcher. _ You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for theBlanket Club? _Matt. _ I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter--I should make adreadful fiasco. [CRIDDLE _appears at door. _ _Pilcher. _ Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands. [_Exit_ PILCHER. CRIDDLE _closes the door after him. _ _Matt. _ Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you. _Dolly. _ Done! I don't mind how much I punish you. _Prof. _ [_Taking out his watch. _] Half past three, my dear. _Renie. _ I don't think I'll go out this afternoon. _Prof. _ Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed ityesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regularexercise. _Renie. _ Which way are you going? [_Yawning. _ _Prof. _ My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond. _Renie. _ Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond. _Prof. _ [_To_ MATT. ] Nothing like living by rule and measure. _Matt. _ I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it. _Prof. _ I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to myunvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [_Exit. _ _Matt. _ Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from? _Lucas. _ Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for thenight? _Dolly. _ Delighted! You'll make up our rubber. _Lucas. _ Right! _Matt. _ Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night? _Lucas. _ Not to-night, thank you. _Matt. _ Just a shade too bracing, eh? _Lucas. _ Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Isanybody going to meet the Professor? [_Glancing at_ RENIE. _Matt. _ I am. [_Linking his arm in_ LUCAS'S. ] We'll get into anunvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along! [_Takes_ LUCAS _off as he is exchanging a look with_ RENIE. RENIE _makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops, takes out_ LUCAS'S _letter from her French novel, goes to fire and reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY. _Harry. _ [_To_ DOLLY. ] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills. [_Going to her writing-desk. _ _Dolly. _ Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first? _Harry. _ [_Taking up bills. _] Oh, I'll help you sort them out---- _Dolly. _ Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [_Taking bills out ofhis hands, and closing down the writing-desk. _] I want to have a littletalk with Renie--you'd better join them at the fish-pond. _Harry. _ Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. Whatabout after tea? _Dolly. _ All right. After tea. _Harry. _ After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves, and sweep them all out of our minds. [_With a gesture. _ _Dolly. _ [_Nods cheerfully. _] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep themall out of our minds. [_With his gesture. Exit_ HARRY _briskly. Sherepeats his gesture. _] Sweep them all out of our minds. [_Opening deskand regarding bills with dismay. _] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie! [RENIE _is busy with her letter at the fire. _ _Renie. _ [_Puts letter into pocket. _] What is it? _Dolly. _ [_Has taken up one or two bills. _] These bills! These awfulbills! These vampires! _Renie. _ Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweetto have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off. _Dolly. _ Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn'tshow him all. _Renie. _ Well, dear, after all, it's only bills---- _Dolly. _ Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one thistime. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful toMr. Pilcher. _Renie. _ Why? _Dolly. _ Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to gothrough the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! Ihad the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in thenick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all thismisery just for want of a little resolution. " _Renie. _ Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too. _Dolly. _ Did it? _Renie. _ I had an awful afternoon yesterday! _Dolly. _ You?! You haven't any bills? _Renie. _ No! [_Sighs. _] I almost wish I had. _Dolly. _ Wish you had?! _Renie. _ I almost envy you the delicious experience of having toconfess---- _Dolly. _ Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not! _Renie. _ And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken inthe arms of the man you love! _Dolly. _ Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before---- [_With a little shudder. _ _Renie. _ After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being! _Dolly. _ Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got atemper! _Renie. _ My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky! _Dolly. _ Hum! _Renie. _ Oh, Dolly---- [_Sighs and goes away. _ _Dolly. _ Is anything the matter? _Renie. _ No dear. Nothing, except--oh, life is so hard! so hard! _Dolly. _ Renie, if you're in trouble---- _Renie. _ Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me. _Dolly. _ Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you, only I can't. _Renie. _ It isn't money. _Dolly. _ Then what is it? _Renie. _ [_Looking at_ DOLLY _curiously. _] I wonder if you wouldunderstand. _Dolly. _ I'll do my best. _Renie. _ It's such a strange story. [_Moving away, _ DOLLY _makes alittle dubious grimace behind her back. _ RENIE _suddenly comes up to_DOLLY _very effusively. _] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughlyadmire and honour my husband. _Dolly. _ [_A little startled. _] Ye-es. _Renie. _ You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for amoment? _Dolly. _ No---- _Renie. _ Nothing could be further from my thoughts. _Dolly. _ No--but is there anybody--Renie, who is it? _Renie. _ Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to anyliving soul? _Dolly. _ Not a word--who is it? _Renie. _ Not even to your husband? _Dolly. _ Not even to my husband. _Renie. _ Nor to him? _Dolly. _ Him? No, of course not. Who is it? _Renie. _ Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have metwith so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered---- _Dolly. _ No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him? _Renie. _ Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me. _Dolly. _ Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozenmiles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him! _Renie. _ No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame. _Dolly. _ [_Contemptuously. _] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, haveyou? _Renie. _ I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago lastThursday afternoon. _Dolly. _ It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you. _Renie. _ That would have made no difference. It had to be! _Dolly. _ What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've beenmeeting him alone---- _Renie. _ Once or twice. _Dolly. _ You've slipped away every afternoon this week. _Renie. _ However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing butthe most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me---- _Dolly. _ Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped. _Renie. _ Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude. _Dolly. _ You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in myown house, do you? _Renie. _ What sort of thing? _Dolly. _ Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when yourboy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded meto take in for you? _Renie. _ But you received Banbury cakes of your own! _Dolly. _ Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriageyour outrageous flirting didn't much matter---- _Renie. _ Outrageous flirting?--If I seemed to flirt---- _Dolly. _ Seemed?! _Renie. _ It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who couldoffer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day bemine. _Dolly. _ Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so veryplainly. He'd better not stay to dinner. _Renie. _ There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner. He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of hislife. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted youwith my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth andmyself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. Yousurely don't mean to break your word? _Dolly. _ I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes. _Renie. _ I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised tohelp me! _Dolly. _ Help you! How did you expect me to help you? _Renie. _ My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course oflectures there. _Dolly. _ Well? _Renie. _ He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectlysweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here. _Dolly. _ [_Makes a little movement of indignant surprise. _] I see! _Renie. _ There could be no possible harm in it now that you know ourattachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me everymoment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this. _Dolly. _ [_After a pause. _] I'll think it over---- _Renie. _ Thank you so much. _Dolly. _ Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick oftime---- _Renie. _ So it did. _Dolly. _ You don't call this the "nick of time"?! _Renie. _ Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't knowwhat to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quiteclear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pureunselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals andaspirations! _Dolly. _ But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about---- _Renie. _ Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations. _Dolly. _ Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. Isuppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across? _Renie. _ He told me he had been led into one or two unworthyattachments. _Dolly. _ Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two! _Renie. _ That was before he met me. _Dolly. _ Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady. _Renie. _ [_Looks at_ DOLLY _severely. _] My dear Dolly, with your lightfrivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure andexalted attachment like ours. Listen! [_Taking out a letter. _] This willshow you his fine nature, his fine feelings--"From the first moment Isaw you----" MATT _enters. _ _Renie. _ [_Putting letter in pocket. _] Well, have you had a pleasantwalk? _Matt. _ Very pleasant--and instructive. The Professor asked me to remindyou that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond. _Renie. _ I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if Idon't. [_Going off, to_ DOLLY. ] Thank you, dear, so much for your kindinvitation to stay on! _Dolly. _ Don't mention it! _Renie. _ I shall try to manage it. [_Exit. _ _Dolly. _ Yes, I'm sure you will. _Matt. _ Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on? _Dolly. _ She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it. [_Goes to him suddenly. _] Dad! _Matt. _ Well? _Dolly. _ That wretched Lucas! _Matt. _ What about him? _Dolly. _ No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess. [_Pause. _] Have you guessed? _Matt. _ [_After a pause. _] Yes. Well, I--[_Begins to chuckle. _] So Lucasis up to his old games! _Dolly. _ My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him. _Matt. _ [_Chuckling. _] It is! It's too bad! The rascal. _Dolly. _ Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her! [MATT _suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar. _ _Dolly. _ What are you laughing at? _Matt. _ I've just left---- [_Chuckling. _] I've just left the Professordown at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter, and---- [_Roars. _ _Dolly. _ I don't see anything to laugh at. _Matt. _ Twelve miles in the snow----I say, Doll, we're making asplendid start for the New Year! [_Laughing. _ _Dolly. _ Dad! Will you please leave off? [_Shaking his shoulder. _] Willyou be serious? _Matt. _ Yes, my dear!! [_Pulling himself together and straightening hisfeatures. _] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter. _Dolly. _ It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this! _Matt. _ It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's seriousfor him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career--theyoung ass! _Dolly. _ Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set towork and help me? _Matt. _ How far have matters gone? _Dolly. _ Oh, there's no real harm done at present. _Matt. _ How do you know? _Dolly. _ Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking abouthis pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all herideals and aspirations. _Matt. _ [_Shakes his head. _] That looks bad! That looks very dangerousfor her. _Dolly. _ Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it'sdangerous for me! _Matt. _ How, dangerous for you?! _Dolly. _ If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag meinto it! I know her so well. _Matt. _ [_Walking about, cogitating. _] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucasmake a mess of it. _Dolly. _ What can we do? _Matt. _ When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said somethingabout giving Lucas an A. D. C. In India. I'll drive over to-morrow andask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two! _Dolly. _ That's a good idea. But it may take some time? _Matt. _ A week or so, perhaps more. _Dolly. _ But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is justthis next week when there will be all the danger. _Matt. _ That's true. _Dolly. _ They ought to be parted to-night. _Matt. _ They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow ofdoubt! They ought to be parted to-night! _Dolly. _ Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it. _Matt. _ Frighten her? _Dolly. _ I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand---- _Matt. _ H'm! Isn't Harry the right person----? _Dolly. _ No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temperand muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off. _Matt. _ Take himself off! _Dolly. _ I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe withhim. _Matt. _ [_Dubious. _] H'm! _Dolly. _ Take a very high tone. _Matt. _ I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line. _Dolly. _ Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious thisis, don't you? _Matt. _ Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what ahigh tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!!Sad!!! _Dolly. _ Hush! LUCAS _and_ HARRY _enter. _ LUCAS _looks round for_ RENIE. DOLLY _and_ MATT _talk in whispers as if settling a plan. _ HARRY _goes up to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off the label. _ _Dolly. _ [_In a very severe tone to_ LUCAS, _who is peeping intoconservatory. _] Are you looking for anything? _Lucas. _ I was wondering whether there was any tea going. _Dolly. _ [_Same severe tone. _] The tea is not in the conservatory. _Lucas. _ No, but I thought it might be getting on to the time---- _Dolly. _ [_Same tone. _] The tea will be served in due course. _Lucas. _ [_Surprised at her tone. _] Is anything the matter? [DOLLY _looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to_ MATT. LUCAS _looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into conservatory for_ RENIE. _Harry. _ [_Scraping away at the collecting-box. _] Don't forget, Doll--our cosy half hour after tea---- [_Nodding at the writing-desk. _ _Dolly. _ I won't forget. _Matt. _ [_Has come up behind_ HARRY, _touches the arm he is scrapingwith. _] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present. CURTAIN. (_Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II. _) ACT II. SCENE: _The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is nowbrought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a littlediagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table withthe hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to theright of it. _ _Enter_ RENIE, _much distressed and agitated. _ DOLLY _follows quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously. _ _Renie. _ But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been solittle together---- _Dolly. _ Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pryinto other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon hisnotice. And from the tone he took---- _Renie. _ What tone? _Dolly. _ He was very severe. _Renie. _ [_Alarmed. _] But what did he say he had seen? _Dolly. _ He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset---- _Renie. _ Upset?! _Dolly. _ Perhaps I ought to say shocked. _Renie. _ Shocked?! _Dolly. _ And when my father is shocked it must be something veryglaring---- _Renie. _ [_More and more alarmed. _] But there hasn't been anythingglaring---- _Dolly. _ Well, dear, of course, you know. _Renie. _ But I cannot imagine---- [_Suddenly. _] It must have been thatday at the stile! _Dolly. _ Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear---- _Renie. _ Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile---- _Dolly. _ Well?---- _Renie. _ That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than wasquite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than thecircumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste. _Dolly. _ [_Shakes her head. _] It can't have been the stile. _Renie. _ Then what----? [_Cudgels her brains. _] The dairy! _Dolly. _ Very likely. Was that very--no, don't tell me---- _Renie. _ There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs. ---- _Dolly. _ Biggs---- _Renie. _ Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy. _Dolly. _ Did she ask Lucas? _Renie. _ He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies---- _Dolly. _ Mince pies--? Yes? _Renie. _ While she went to get one---- _Dolly. _ Get one---- _Renie. _ She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds---- _Dolly. _ No--and then? _Renie. _ Captain Wentworth----a---- _Dolly. _ Respected you! _Renie. _ [_Firing up. _] He is always most respectful! In the mostdelicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first andonly kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairywindows---- _Dolly. _ My father often strolls that way---- _Renie. _ But I was quite cold and correct---- [_Very anxiously. _]Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said? _Dolly. _ At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No, that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!" _Renie. _ Ye--es? _Dolly. _ So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firmwith her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose andunder my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate forone moment!" _Renie. _ He must have passed the dairy windows! _Dolly. _ Yes. _Renie. _ And jumped to a wrong conclusion. _Dolly. _ Yes. And that isn't the worst---- _Renie. _ [_Freshly alarmed. _] Not the worst?! _Dolly. _ Now, don't be alarmed, dear---- _Renie. _ About what? _Dolly. _ Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner atdinner? _Renie. _ No. What makes you think----? _Dolly. _ My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Supposeall this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching youand Lucas. _Renie. _ [_Alarmed. _] Dolly! _Dolly. _ And waiting his time---- _Renie. _ Oh, Dolly! _Dolly. _ Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to thefish-pond? _Renie. _ Yes, he did! _Dolly. _ Didn't it strike you there was something in that? _Renie. _ No, and he hasn't said anything---- _Dolly. _ Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from youtill the right moment. _Renie. _ Right moment? _Dolly. _ Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run anymore risks. This must be broken off to-night. _Renie. _ To-night?! _Dolly. _ Now, what can I do to help you? _Renie. _ You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairywindows. _Dolly. _ Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw---- _Renie. _ But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing---- _Dolly. _ No, dear. What else can I do? _Renie. _ Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard, and--a--pump him a little? _Dolly. _ I don't like pumping people--still--What else? _Renie. _ [_Breaking down. _] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallenat a more cruel moment. _Dolly. _ No, dear. _Renie. _ It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood, when all my woman's nature began to cry out---- _Dolly. _ Yes--[_Suddenly. _] Hark! [_Listens. _] Hush! [_Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it again. _ _Renie. _ What was it? _Dolly. _ Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professorquarrelling. _Renie. _ I really don't think my husband suspects---- _Dolly. _ No, I daresay it's only my imagination. _Renie. _ And if he did--Dolly, is there one man living, except myhusband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble, single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's? _Dolly. _ No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as husbands they takequite a different view of things from what they do merely as men. _Renie. _ Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you? _Dolly. _ Well, dear, when you say wrong---- _Renie. _ But I assure you there isn't--nothing could be further from mythoughts. _Dolly. _ No, dear--still, people are so full of prejudice--now what canI do? _Renie. _ [_Clasping_ DOLLY'S _hand warmly. _] Oh, Dolly, you can help meso much. _Dolly. _ [_A little alarmed. _] Can I? Tell me---- _Renie. _ If Lucas and I are parted---- [_Breaks down. _] I can't bear it!I can't bear it! _Dolly. _ Try, dear! Try! _Renie. _ [_Sobbing. _] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how hebears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending iton to me? _Dolly. _ I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless, and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it--no, dear---- _Renie. _ You won't help me? _Dolly. _ Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [_Suddenly. _] I'lltell you what I can do! _Renie. _ Yes? _Dolly. _ My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I canspare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye, " and take onelast message to him. _Renie. _ [_Curtly. _] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send himaway like this. I must see him alone before he goes. _Dolly. _ [_Shakes her head. _] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feelsthat he owes it to your reputation to go quietly---- _Renie. _ Without seeing me?! _Dolly. _ And suppose the Professor is really watching you---- [RENIE shows great perplexity. DOLLY _is watching her. _ _Dolly. _ If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him? _Renie. _ Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tellhim I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my lifeto have known him---- _The_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATTHEW _enter. The_ PROFESSOR _has diagrams and illustrations in his hand. Following the_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATT _are_ HARRY _and_ LUCAS. LUCAS, _after a little time, comes up to_ DOLLY _and_ RENIE, _who are seated on sofa. The_ PROFESSOR _is speaking to_ MATT _as he enters, and is showing him an illustration. _ _Prof. _ [_In his hard, metallic voice. _] Observe that woman's facialangle--[_pointing_] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregularformation of the nose. [_Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb. _ _Matt. _ I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses. [_Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the paper. _ _Prof. _ Can you be surprised at her history? _Matt. _ Who was she? _Prof. _ Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman'scranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid---- _Matt. _ Committing trigamy? _Prof. _ Well, some species of grave moral delinquency. [DOLLY _clutches_ RENIE'S _wrist significantly. The_ PROFESSOR _hands the illustration to_ HARRY, _who examines it. _ MATT _moves away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead. _ _Harry. _ [_Has examined the illustration. _] By Jove, yes--anybody cansee she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh? [_He hands the illustration to_ DOLLY, _who passes it to_ RENIE, _with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the paper. _ LUCAS _leans over the back of the sofa between_ RENIE _and_ DOLLY _to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the sofa_, DOLLY _draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a little and looks puzzled. _ _Prof. _ [_Bringing out another illustration, offering it to_ MATT. ] Nowlook at this. _Matt. _ [_Taking illustration. _] Somebody's brains! _Prof. _ Tell me if you notice anything peculiar. [HARRY _leans over_ MATT'S _shoulder, and looks at the illustration. _ LUCAS _again leans over the sofa, between_ DOLLY _and_ RENIE. DOLLY _again moves a little further away from him with another indignant look. _ LUCAS _is again puzzled, but bends and looks over the illustration in_ RENIE'S _hands. _ _Lucas. _ So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane was bound to come amoral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper withJane, eh, Dolly? [_Very pleasantly. _ _Dolly. _ [_Very severely. _] I should scarcely have thought you troubledwhom you came a moral cropper with! [_Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two back, stands and looks puzzled. _ PROFESSOR _has been critically regarding_ MATT _and_ HARRY, _who have been looking at the illustration. _ _Prof. _ Well, does anything strike you? _Matt. _ No. [_Holding it out. _] Looks ratherpulpy--rather--a--squashy---- _Prof. _ Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that graymatter. What is the inevitable consequence? _Matt. _ I couldn't quite say--whom did that gray matter belong to? _Prof. _ Harriet Poy. _Matt. _ I don't remember Harriet---- _Prof. _ The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed. At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen firedthree hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment. _Matt. _ Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and gotwatery---- _Prof. _ Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that conditionit was a stupid crime to send her to prison. _Dolly. _ [_Looking round from desk. _] But what are we to do with peoplewhose gray matter goes wrong? _Prof. _ I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [_To_ MATT. ]You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures---- _Matt. _ I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm sothoroughly of your opinion---- _Prof. _ Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you. _Matt. _ Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should neverhave dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not gotwatery. _Harry. _ [_Begins. _] Yes, when you come to think of all the rottenthings you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove---- [_Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove, " and being near the collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and drops it in. _ _Matt. _ Bravo, Harry! [_Patting him. _ _Harry. _ Oh, I mean it!--Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up? _Prof. _ [_Taking out watch. _] In two minutes. _Harry. _ I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [_Going up todoor. _] Doll, [_taps the writing-desk_] you put it off aftertea--by-and-by, you know! _Dolly. _ [_She has finished letter, has risen, and closedwriting-desk. _] By-and-by. _Harry. _ Before we go to bed--don't forget. _Dolly. _ Oh, I sha'n't forget. [_Makes a wry face. Exit_ HARRY. _Prof. _ Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise totake a short stroll in the cool air. _Renie. _ Oh, very well. _Prof. _ Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer. [_Exit. _ DOLLY, _unseen by_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS, _slips the note she has been writing into_ MATT'S _hands. He takes it down stage, right, and reads it. _ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _have been talking, apart; they move towards the door to get out, but_ DOLLY _is standing in the way of their exit. _ _Dolly. _ Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you. _Renie. _ But Captain Wentworth has offered---- _Dolly. _ I've a splitting headache--I must get a little air. And Dadwants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you? _Matt. _ If he can spare five minutes. _Lucas. _ Won't by-and-by be just as convenient? _Dolly. _ [_Facing_ LUCAS, _speaking firmly. _] No, by-and-by will not bejust as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together. [_Gets_ RENIE _off, turns, looks daggers at_ LUCAS, _goes off after_ RENIE, _closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after her. _ _Lucas. _ I say, Doll, what's up? [_Follows her off. _] What's the matter? _Matt. _ [_Reading_ DOLLY'S _note. _] "Be very severe with him. Make agreat point of the dairy windows. He'll understand. " Dairy windows? [_Puts the note in his pocket, as_ LUCAS _re-enters, puzzled and disappointed. _ _Lucas. _ I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has donenothing but snub me all the evening. _Matt. _ [_Looking at him sternly. _] So I should imagine! _Lucas. _ [_Startled by his manner. _] I say, have I done anything? _Matt. _ Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me ofbeing strait-laced, and therefore I suppose you think you can come hereand set at defiance all the----it's disgraceful! _Lucas. _ Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at? _Matt. _ I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tellyou that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious! _Lucas. _ I say, Uncle, what's all this about? _Matt. _ What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows! _Lucas. _ Then it was you--phew!--so it was you? _Matt. _ Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell meyou aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself? _Lucas. _ Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad---- _Matt. _ Not bad?! _Lucas. _ Well, not so d--ee--d awful. _Matt. _ [_Regards him for a few moments. _] Well, I'm astonished! If youdon't consider your behaviour d--ee--d awful, will you please find mesome word that will describe it? _Lucas. _ You know you're putting a much worse construction on this thanthe necessities of the case demand. _Matt. _ What?! _Lucas. _ I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out ofthe dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all thetime. _Matt. _ I was hanging about the windows? _Lucas. _ Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in aninteresting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and takeno notice. _Matt. _ "Interesting conversation"?! _Lucas. _ Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do youaccuse me of? _Matt. _ Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, afterlistening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution togive up all your bad habits---- _Lucas. _ Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up_all_ my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit. _Matt. _ You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?! _Lucas. _ Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a badhabit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all thedecent chaps who've been led into it! _Matt. _ That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going tocountenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate ofmy character. _Lucas. _ [_Very quietly. _] May I ask you one simple question? _Matt. _ Well? _Lucas. _ When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairywith a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so, wouldn't you have taken advantage of it? _Matt. _ No! _Lucas. _ Not at my age? _Matt. _ No--no---- _Lucas. _ Well, what would you have done? _Matt. _ I should have summoned all my resolution---- _Lucas. _ Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man! _Matt. _ Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have beentempted--and of course we must all go through a certain amount ofexperience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters? _Lucas. _ I say, no confounded nonsense--your uncle Archie---- _Matt. _ Dear old chap! _Lucas. _ What use did you make of his advice? _Matt. _ Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously--I suppose Iwas about your age--did I ever tell you, Lucas, [_taking_ LUCAS'S _armaffectionately_] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, MadgeSeaforth? _Lucas. _ No. _Matt. _ And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night? _Lucas. _ No. _Matt. _ Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! Godbless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sightof Salisbury spire. _Lucas. _ Sounds rather jolly! _Matt. _ Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast!Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say whatyou like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you aboutMrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband? _Lucas. _ No? _Matt. _ Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richlydeserved all he got--I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as shestepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedestblack eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come, come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to thisbusiness of yours---- _Lucas. _ Well---- _Matt. _ When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling? _Lucas. _ You did! _Matt. _ The pace was rather scorching? _Lucas. _ Rather! _Matt. _ I never pulled you up? _Lucas. _ No, and I'm grateful. [_Shaking hands very cordially. _ _Matt. _ That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up! _Lucas. _ Pull up? _Matt. _ Short. This Mrs. Sturgess--Dolly says there's a lot of nonsensegoing on, gushing letters and so on, --damned silly thing writingletters, Lu---- _Lucas. _ Yes, I know. _Matt. _ Well, what do you do it for? _Lucas. _ I don't know. _Matt. _ You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on thistomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to showwhat an ass you've been? _Lucas. _ I'm sure I don't know. _Matt. _ Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all? _Lucas. _ Well, naturally a chap--naturally---- _Matt. _ You're either in love with her, or you aren't? _Lucas. _ I can't say I'm exactly in love with her---- _Matt. _ Then why are you making love to her? _Lucas. _ Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally achap--naturally--I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her. _Matt. _ Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with heryou're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likelydo some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh? _Lucas. _ Well, when you look at it that way---- _Matt. _ Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you'rehere as a guest--it isn't the right thing to do, is it? _Lucas. _ No, it isn't. _Matt. _ Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will? _Lucas. _ I've got to, I suppose. _Matt. _ Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot andstrong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgessagain---- _Lucas. _ Not see her again? _Matt. _ Isn't that what you mean to do? _Lucas. _ Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows? _Matt. _ I didn't see anything at all! _Lucas. _ Nothing at all? _Matt. _ I wasn't there! _Lucas. _ Then how----? _Matt. _ Dolly put me up to it. [_Laughs at him. _ _Lucas. _ Dolly? DOLLY _enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa. _ _Matt. _ Ah, Doll---- _Dolly. _ [_Looking severely at_ LUCAS. ] Have you spoken to him? _Matt. _ Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do theright thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas? _Lucas. _ [_A little unwillingly. _] Yes. _Matt. _ [_Clapping him on the shoulder. _] Good chap! Good chap! _Dolly. _ [_Still a little severe. _] I'm pleased to hear it. [_To_LUCAS. ] You've behaved in a most scandalous---- _Matt. _ He has. I've told him all that. [_Winks at_ DOLLY _to keep herquiet. _] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you? [_Winks at_ LUCAS _to prompt him. _ _Dolly. _ Then it's quite broken off? _Matt. _ Quite! Isn't it, Lu? _Lucas. _ Yes, I suppose. I should like to say---- _Dolly. _ Yes? _Lucas. _ That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, couldreflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. Andsecondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine. _Matt. _ That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault. Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [_Pattinghim. _] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night. [DOLLY _rings bell. _ _Lucas. _ [_Surprised. _] Good-night?! _Dolly. _ Good-night, and good-bye! [_Holding out her hand. _ _Lucas. _ You aren't going to turn me out to-night! _Dolly. _ You said it was quite broken off. _Lucas. _ Yes, but---- [_turns to_ MATT _with appealing gesture. _] Uncle, you didn't mean to pack me off like this---- _Matt. _ Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year. Take time by the forelock. Off you go! [_Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off. _ _Lucas. _ [_Resisting. _] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all. [_Sinks comfortably into arm-chair. _ CRIDDLE _appears at door. _ _Dolly. _ Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken tothe billiard-room. _Criddle. _ Yes, ma'am. _Dolly. _ He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion andask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled. _Criddle. _ Yes, ma'am. [_Going. _ _Lucas. _ Criddle, what's the weather like? _Criddle. _ It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to haveanother heavy fall of snow. _Lucas. _ I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the geesaddled, I'll go and tell them myself. _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. [_Exit. _ _Lucas. _ [_In arm-chair. _] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me togo careering over that heath at this ungodly hour? _Dolly. _ You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has hadhysterics. So I've put her in the spare room. _Lucas. _ Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere--in thebilliard-room. _Dolly. _ [_Shakes her head. _] I can't ask the servants to make upimpossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour. _Lucas. _ I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll. _Dolly. _ Unfair? _Lucas. _ Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the rightthing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, andorder me off the premises, and---- _Dolly. _ [_Getting angry. _] If you don't behave yourself and go offquietly, I shall have to order you off the premises. [_Makes an appeal by gesture to_ MATT _to get him off. _ _Matt. _ Now, my hero! [_Lifting him out of the arm-chair. _] Buckle onyour armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach! [_With some difficulty he raises_ LUCAS _out of the chair. _ _Lucas. _ Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [_Goes sulkily upto door. _] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible ifthere's a flare up---- _Dolly. _ Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh! [_Rings the bell again. _ _Lucas. _ [_Goes off, sulky, muttering. _] Of all the--turning meout--beastly infernal nuisance! [_Exit grumbling, leaving door open. _ _Dolly. _ It would serve them both right if there was to be aflare-up--only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [CRIDDLE _appearsat door. _] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle CaptainWentworth's horse and send it here at once. _Criddle. _ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit. _ _Dolly. _ Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over thegoverness. Dad----! _Matt. _ Well? _Dolly. _ Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he--he isn't a fairsample? _Matt. _ Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional--quite exceptional. _Dolly. _ I thought so! They can't all be---- _Matt. _ Oh no! I'm glad to say---- _Dolly. _ I'm determined he shall go to-night. LUCAS _re-enters. _ _Lucas. _ I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather. _Dolly. _ What for? _Lucas. _ There's a great black cloud--it's going to come down! _Dolly. _ [_Enraged. _] I don't care if the heavens come down! You'regoing back to Aldershot to-night. _Lucas. _ But I tell you---- [_Appeals to_ MATT. ] It's simply impossiblefor me to ride across that heath---- _Matt. _ But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm---- _Lucas. _ Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don'tmind shaking down anywhere to oblige---- [_He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but_ MATT _gently pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself. _ _Lucas. _ [_Going to sofa. _] Anywhere to oblige! [_Drops comfortably on to sofa. _ _Dolly. _ [_Comes up to him finally. _] Lucas, this is abominable! Isuppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretchedgoverness---- _Lucas. _ Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us---- _Dolly. _ What?! Oh! [_Appeals to_ MATT. _Lucas. _ I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a littleconsideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of yourown sex! _Dolly. _ My own sex! The minx! _Lucas. _ And an orphan! _Dolly. _ Orphan! [_To_ MATT. ] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him! [MATT _rises and goes to_ LUCAS. DOLLY _sits down in despair. _ _Matt. _ Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to takeyourself off. _Lucas. _ [_Comfortably seated. _] Well, I will take myself off, only letme take myself off in my own way. _Dolly. _ It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again. _Lucas. _ Won't she? _Dolly. _ No. She gave me a last message for you---- _Lucas. _ Did she? Why didn't you give it to me? _Dolly. _ If I tell you, will you take yourself off? _Lucas. _ Yes, of course. What was her last message? _Dolly. _ She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and beproud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, andthat she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you, as you had always respected her!" _Matt. _ A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit. Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy! [_Lifts him up off sofa. _ LUCAS _gets up very reluctantly. _ _Lucas. _ Well, if I must go--good-night! _Matt. _ Good-night. [_Shaking hands. _] I may see you to-morrowafternoon. _Lucas. _ Where? _Matt. _ I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look youup---- _Lucas. _ I may not be there in the afternoon---- _Dolly. _ Lucas, you're coming over here---- _Lucas. _ No--no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me. _Dolly. _ It won't be the least use your coming---- _Lucas. _ I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll---- _Dolly. _ Good-bye. [_Shaking hands. _ _Lucas. _ [_Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns. _] Isuppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, Icouldn't shake down on that sofa. _Dolly. _ [_Sternly and decisively. _] No! _Lucas. _ [_Goes a few more steps towards door, turns. _] I suppose Icouldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [DOLLY _looks indignant. _] Only to saygood-bye. _Dolly. _ No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep bynow! _Enter_ RENIE _fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful. Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr. _ _Dolly. _ [_Indignantly. _] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't comedownstairs again! _Renie. _ Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under yourfather's unjust suspicion. [_Goes up to_ MATT, _seizes his handsympathetically. _] Dolly tells me you have been watching the friendshipthat all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth andmyself---- _Matt. _ [_Uncomfortable. _] Not exactly watching---- _Renie. _ I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has givenyou a wrong impression. _Matt. _ No, no! I assure you---- _Renie. _ If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance ofdefending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what yoususpect---- _Matt. _ My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don'tsuspect anything. _Renie. _ You really mean that? _Matt. _ Yes--yes---- _Renie. _ [_Clasping his hand eagerly. _] Thank you so much. Friendshipbetween a man and a woman is _so_ misunderstood. _Matt. _ It is. _Dolly. _ Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we allmisunderstood--till afterwards. _Lucas. _ I say, Dolly, don't you---- _Renie. _ Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship, I don't mind saying---- [_Shows signs of breaking down. _] You won'tmisunderstand me? [_Clinging to his hand. _ _Matt. _ No, no! _Renie. _ My life has not been altogether a happy one. _Matt. _ I'm sure it hasn't! _Renie. _ Under other circumstances--let that pass! [_Wrings_ MATT'S_hands. _] Thank you, thank you! [_Goes to_ LUCAS. ] Captain Wentworth, Ishall always be proud to have known you. _Dolly. _ I've told him all that! [MATT _hushes_ DOLLY _with a gesture. _ _Renie. _ I shall always cherish the memory of our friendship, but itmight be misunderstood, and so [_breaking down, but bearing up with aneffort_], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be, and say good-bye to me for ever! _Matt. _ Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed! _Lucas. _ Well, if you insist---- _Renie. _ I do! Good-bye for ever! _Lucas. _ Good-bye. [_They have a long hand-shake. _ _Renie. _ Good-bye. [_Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on sofa. _ LUCAS _follows her up. _ _Lucas. _ I say, Mrs. Sturgess---- _Renie. _ [_Face buried in hands, moans out. _] Go, go! In pity's namedon't make it harder for me! _Matt. _ In pity's name don't make it harder for her. _Dolly. _ [_Looking off at door. _] They'll be coming out of thebilliard-room directly. _Matt. _ Now, Lucas---- CRIDDLE _appears at door. _ _Criddle. _ Your horse is waiting for you, sir. _Lucas. _ My horse?! _Criddle. _ Yes, sir, just outside. _Lucas. _ What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that--justclipped--standing about on a night like this--who told them? _Dolly. _ I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot. _Lucas. _ I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [_Pointing to hisdress-clothes. _] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion! _Dolly. _ And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau totake to the Red Lion at the same time. _Criddle. _ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit. _ _Lucas. _ [_Grumbling. _] Well, of all----Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess. _Dolly. _ You've said good-bye---- _Renie. _ [_Still tragic on sofa. _] Farewell--for ever! _Lucas. _ Good-night, Dolly! _Dolly. _ Farewell--for a good long time. [_Shaking hands. _ _Lucas. _ Good-night, Uncle. _Matt. _ Good-night, Lucas. [_Shaking hands. _ _Lucas. _ [_Turns at door. _] Happen to have your cigar-case handy? [MATT _takes out cigar-case, offers it. _ _Lucas. _ Could you spare two? _Matt. _ Certainly! _Lucas. _ I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind. _Matt. _ Do! _Lucas. _ Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody. [MATT _gets_ LUCAS _off, closes door after him. _ _Renie. _ [_Rouses herself from sofa. _] Has he gone? Is it all over? _Dolly. _ I hope so. [_Goes and rings bell twice. _ _Renie. _ [_Goes to_ MATT _impulsively--and seizes his hand. _] At leastthis bitter experience has gained me one true friend. _Matt. _ [_Embarrassed. _] Yes---- _Renie. _ [_Wrings his hand in gratitude. _] Thank you so much---- [_He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and prepares to light it. _ _Renie. _ [_Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself. _] That'swhere we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, wemust show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh, Dolly, how I envy you your nature! _Dolly. _ [_Very chilly. _] Are you going into the spare room, dear? _Renie. _ Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room! PETERS, DOLLY'S _maid, appears at door. _ _Dolly. _ Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and makeeverything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess? _Peters. _ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit. _ _Renie. _ [_Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself. _] So mypoor little tragedy is ended! [_To_ MATT. _Matt. _ Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken! _Renie. _ No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [_With aweary smile. _] Mustn't I? _Matt. _ I'm afraid you must. _Renie. _ Good-night! [_Wrings his hand with gratitude. _] Good-night! _Matt. _ Good-night. [_Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights it. _ _Renie. _ Good-night, Dolly! _Dolly. _ I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable. _Renie. _ Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be thesame? I wonder! [_Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged sigh. _ MATT _has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper. _ _Dolly. _ [_Calls his attention to_ RENIE'S _exit and makes a furiousgesture after her. _] I know she'll be here next Christmas! [_Marchesdown enraged to_ MATT _and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way, emphasizing each word. _] I know that woman will be here nextChristmas! _Matt. _ [_Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper_] I daresay shewill---- [DOLLY _marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit. _ CURTAIN. (_Half an hour passes between Acts II and III. _) ACT III. SCENE: _The same. Discover_ MATT _in the same seat and attitude, withpaper and cigar. _ DOLLY _enters. _ _Matt. _ Well?? _Dolly. _ I've had an awful time with her---- _Matt. _ How? _Dolly. _ [_Seated. _] First she had another fit of hysterics--then shelonged to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow--then shemoaned out something about her noble Lucas---- _Matt. _ And now? _Dolly. _ I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her offmy hands at last. _Matt. _ That's a comfort. _Dolly. _ Dad! _Matt. _ Yes. _Dolly. _ I won't have her here next Christmas. _Matt. _ No, I wouldn't. _Dolly. _ [_Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing eachsyllable. _] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my housenext Christmas. You hear that? _Matt. _ Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas! _Dolly. _ I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for avery long time. _Matt. _ I wouldn't. _Dolly. _ [_Seated beside him. _] Dad, please put away that paper. You'regoing over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged? _Matt. _ I'll try. _Dolly. _ Where can you get him sent? _Matt. _ Gibraltar--India--South Africa--according as an appointmenthappens to be vacant. _Dolly. _ The further the better, and the longer. PETERS _appears at door. _ _Dolly. _ Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable? _Peters. _ I'm trying to, ma'am. _Dolly. _ Is she in bed yet? _Peters. _ No, ma'am. _Dolly. _ Not in bed! _Peters. _ No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter. _Dolly. _ She let you undress her, I suppose? _Peters. _ I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is stillthrobbing. _Dolly. _ Throbbing! _Peters. _ And could you lend her your hop-pillow? _Dolly. _ You'll find it in my wardrobe. _Peters. _ Yes, ma'am. _Dolly. _ Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressingher---- _Peters. _ Yes, ma'am. [_Going. _ _Dolly. _ Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed. _Peters. _ No, ma'am. [_Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the conservatory window. _ _Matt. _ Whew! The New Year means business! _Dolly. _ And so do I, as Lucas will find out. _Matt. _ He is finding it out, on that heath! _Dolly. _ Yes! [_With a little laugh. _] Ha! ha! [_A louder gust andrattle of hail. _] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been hereplaying a comfortable rubber by the fire--if he'd simply behavedhimself! _Matt. _ If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not"simply behaving" ourselves. [_Another gust. _ _Dolly. _ [_Laughs. _] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Reniedriving out with me to-morrow afternoon. _Matt. _ Yes. _Dolly. _ Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell forhim--[_Another furious gust and rattle. _] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder howfar Lucas has got! [_A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory, which is lighted. _ _Matt. _ [_Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled. _] Hillo!hillo! What?! LUCAS _enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of first Act. _ _Dolly. _ [_Enraged. _] Lucas! [_More enraged. _] Lucas! How dare you?! _Lucas. _ It's all right--don't make a fuss! _Dolly. _ [_Furious. _] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot? _Lucas. _ I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the lookof it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion---- _Dolly. _ [_Indignantly. _] Shake-down at the Red Lion! _Lucas. _ Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked youfirst, to let me have a shake-down here--on that sofa---- _Dolly. _ But why have you come back here? _Lucas. _ Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. Iput them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the RedLion, lo and behold, they weren't there! _Dolly. _ You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion---- _Lucas. _ [_Turns to_ MATT _for sympathy. _] I could have got a cigar atthe Red Lion! [_To_ DOLLY. ] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just strollup here in the hope---- _Dolly. _ In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bedthis time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her. _Lucas. _ In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, Icame into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence--Islipped into the conservatory---- _Enter_ HARRY. _Harry. _ [_Surprised at the riding-clothes. _] Hillo, Lu, going back toAldershot to-night? _Lucas. _ No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that asthe spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at theRed Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge acigar? _Harry. _ Yes, old fellow. [_Taking out cigar-case. _ _Dolly. _ [_Intercepting. _] You said I should take charge of your cigars, in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day---- _Harry. _ By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem--I've been smoking allday. Here, Lu! [_About to throw cigar-case to_ LUCAS. ] You'd better takethe lot and keep me out of temptation! _Dolly. _ No! I'll take charge of that, please. [_Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at_ LUCAS, _goes to writing-desk, puts it in. _ PETERS _appears at door. _ _Peters. _ I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess---- _Dolly. _ What about her? _Peters. _ When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I'velooked all over the house, and I can't find her anywhere. [_Glancingoff into the conservatory. _] Oh, there she is! RENIE _enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly, with handkerchief and smelling-salts. _ PETERS _goes off. _ _Dolly. _ Renie! [_Looks at_ MATT, _who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his shoulders and goes over to fire. _ _Renie. _ My head was racking, I had to rush out--I've been pacing up anddown under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down--[DOLLY_makes a little grimace of angry incredulity_] it's a little easier now, so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep. _Dolly. _ Yes, I would. _Renie. _ Good-night, dear. _Dolly. _ [_Severely. _] Good-night once more. _Renie. _ Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [_Offering hand. _ _Harry. _ Good-night, I'm awfully sorry---- _Renie. _ [_With her weary smile. _] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bearit. Thank you for your sympathy. [_Wringing his hand in ferventgratitude. _] Good-night, Mr. Barron. _Matt. _ Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies, eh? _Renie. _ [_Very fervently. _] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [_To_ LUCAS_very casually and distantly. _] Good-night, Captain Wentworth. _Lucas. _ [_Same tone. _] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess. [_Exit_ RENIE. PETERS _is seen to join her in the hall. A little pause. _ _Lucas. _ Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly. [DOLLY _looks at him, furious, turns away. _ HARRY _looks a littlesurprised. _] Good-night, Harry. _Harry_. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a nightlike this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down----? _Dolly. _ No! [HARRY _shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of embarrassment. _ _Lucas. _ Good-night, Uncle Matt. _Matt. _ [_Comes up to him, in a low voice. _] Cut it, my dear lad. Cutit! That's understood? _Lucas. _ Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [_Shedoesn't reply. _] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage--[_Goes offmuttering. _] Infernal nuisance--night like this---- [_Exit. _ _Harry. _ Is anything the matter? _Dolly. _ Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it. _The_ PROFESSOR _enters at back. _ _Matt. _ Well, who was the victor? _Harry. _ The Professor won all four games. _Prof. _ I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to myincreased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article ofdiet in place of meat. _Matt. _ Flies to the gray matter, eh? _Prof. _ Instantaneously. _Matt. _ Good stuff! _Prof. _ I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room? _Matt. _ Will you? That will be kind! CRIDDLE _appears at door. _ _Criddle. _ I've put the spirits in the hall, sir. _Harry. _ You can take them away, Criddle. In the future we shall notrequire spirits at night, only soda water and tea. _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. [_Exit. _ _Dolly. _ [_Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises. _] Well, I'mgoing to bed. _Harry. _ You forget, dear. _Dolly. _ What? [HARRY _taps the writing-desk. _] Oh, my dear Harry, wewon't go into them to-night. _Harry. _ Yes, my dear, if you please. [_Very firmly. _ DOLLY _makes animpatient gesture and pouts. _] Please don't look like that. If I'm tohelp you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all. _Dolly. _ Oh, very well, but---- [_Sits down wearily. _ _Prof. _ [_Taking out watch. _] Five minutes past my usual hour. _Dolly. _ Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in thespare room. _Prof. _ Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get herto see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulateall our actions to the most minute point. Good-night. _Dolly. _ Good-night. [_Shaking hands. _ _Prof. _ Good-night, Telfer. _Harry. _ Good-night. [_Shaking hands. _ _Matt. _ Good-night, Harry. _Harry. _ Good-night, Dad. [_Shaking hands. _ _Matt. _ [_To_ DOLLY. ] Night-night, dear. _Dolly. _ Night-night, Dad. [_Kissing him. _ _Prof. _ [_Has been waiting at door. _] I might perhaps show you theprecise way of mixing the Pableine. _Matt. _ That would be kind! What's the dose? _Prof. _ Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much asfour tablespoonfuls. _Matt. _ Wasn't that rather--going it? _Prof. _ No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beanyflavor. _Matt. _ Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up goodresolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it. [_Exeunt_ MATT _and_ PROFESSOR. _Harry. _ Now we can have our cosy half hour. _Dolly. _ Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't youthink----? _Harry. _ No, my darling. You put it off after tea---- _Dolly. _ But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning---- _Harry. _ [_Very solemnly and severely. _] My darling, remember whatPilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions lastnight. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall webe on the thirty-first of December? _Dolly. _ I'm horribly fagged. _Harry. _ Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head onthe pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a singlethought---- _Dolly. _ Except my gratitude to you! _Harry. _ Come, dear, no time like the present! _Dolly. _ [_Jumps up very briskly. _] No time like the present! [_Lookingat him with great admiration. _] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, goodhusband you've always been to me! _Harry. _ Have I, my darling? [_Modestly. _] I've done my best---- _Dolly. _ How I must have tried you! _Harry. _ No, dear--at least a little sometimes. _Dolly. _ When I think what patience you've had with me, and neverreproached me---- _Harry. _ Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs--That day atGoodwood--eh? _Dolly. _ Don't speak of it! I was to blame---- _Harry. _ No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in thewrong. _Dolly. _ No, dear, it was my fault entirely! _Harry. _ Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills---- _Dolly. _ And what good pals we've been! _Harry. _ And always shall be. [_Kissing her. _ _Dolly. _ [_Hugging him. _] Oh, you dear! _Harry. _ Now, business, business! _Dolly. _ [_Going up to writing-desk. _] What a lucky woman I am! _Harry. _ [_Seated at table. _] Bring them all. _Dolly. _ [_Has opened desk and taken up some bills--she looks rounddubiously at_ HARRY. ] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husbandand have it in your power to make your wife _adore_ you, by simplypaying a few bills. _Harry. _ Yes--bring them all. [_She comes down with a bundle of aboutfifteen, hands them to him. _] Is this all? _Dolly. _ All, of any importance. _Harry. _ I want to see them all. _Dolly. _ So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because[_lamely_] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on thespot, can't we? _Harry. _ [_Reading from the bill. _] Maison Récamier, Court and artisticmillinery. By Jove! [_Looks up. _ _Dolly. _ What! _Harry. _ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine--ninehats! _Dolly. _ Different kinds of hats. _Harry. _ Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelvepounds ten---- _Dolly. _ That was the one--you remember--when I came into the room yousaid, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!" _Harry. _ Yes, but twelve pounds ten--Moss green chip hat, four, fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque---- _Dolly. _ That's the dear little toque you admire so much! _Harry. _ Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal withplumes of Nattier Bleu--fifteen guineas--Fifteen guineas?! _Dolly. _ With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu! _Harry. _ But fifteen guineas! _Dolly. _ Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do withsuch people? _Harry. _ [_With bill. _] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my onesilk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up. Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you---- _Dolly. _ My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons! _Harry. _ [_Takes another bill. _] John Spearman, artistic gown maker, ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns--Good heavens! _Dolly. _ What's the matter? _Harry. _ Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds--that can't be right! _Dolly. _ [_Frightened. _] No, it can't be! Add it up! _Harry. _ [_Reading. _] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta-- _Dolly. _ The one I took to Folkestone, you remember? [_With a little attempt at a kiss. _ _Harry. _ [_Gently repulsing her. _] No, I don't. [_She puts her armsround his neck; he gently pushes her aside. _] Business first, please. [_Reads. _] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barrisilk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas---- _Dolly. _ You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, youstood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, thatthe moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, andbe as cocky and proud of itself----" [_Again attempting to embrace him. _ _Harry. _ [_Again repulsing her. _] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proudand cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [_Reads. _] "Eveningcloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifsand fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas. " What'sa motif? _Dolly. _ It's a trimming--a lot of little touches--a sortof--a--a--a--[_making a little descriptive gesture_] a suggestion--amotif---- _Harry. _ And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him fivehundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman'smotifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [_Puts the bill on thetable rather angrily, takes up another, reads. _] "Artistic lingerie!" Iwonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear ofdaintiness and distinction. " _Dolly. _ Well, you've always praised---- _Harry. _ Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles ofyour dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-fiveshillings. " [_She has settled herself in the armchair, looking a littlesulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg overthe other. _] What have you got to say to that? _Dolly. _ Garters are necessary. _Harry. _ Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak? _Dolly. _ The garters can speak for themselves! _Harry. _ Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay forthemselves! [_Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading. _]Three bottles coeur de Janette--three bottles Souffle deMarguerite--fifteen pounds for scent--and I have to smoke sixpennycigars! And sometimes only fourpenny! _Dolly. _ Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong things you can'twonder I have to disinfect the house for you. _Harry. _ Disinfect the house _for_ me! You'll very soon disinfect thehouse _of_ me! [_Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts themon the table, and walks about in despair. _ DOLLY _rises and is goingoff. _] Where are you going? _Dolly. _ To bed. _Harry. _ [_Stopping her. _] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to thebitter end, if you please. I want you to explain---- _Dolly. _ My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try toexplain in your present state---- _Harry. _ [_Getting furious. _] In my present state---- _Dolly. _ Dancing about the room and shouting!---- _Harry. _ I'm not shouting! _Dolly. _ You're not shouting?! _Harry. _ No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when hiswife---- MATT _appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers. _ _Matt. _ Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this, and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key---- _Harry. _ By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'mawfully sorry. _Matt. _ Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of hisPableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [_tapping his chest_] forI can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about? _Harry. _ On the sideboard in the dining-room. _Matt. _ Thankee. [_Tapping his chest. _] Harry, when you get over fifty, don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits. _Harry. _ I won't. Now, Dolly---- _Matt. _ [_Anxiously. _] You won't perhaps be very long now? _Dolly. _ No, we'd nearly finished---- _Matt. _ Nothing serious, I hope? _Dolly. _ Harry doesn't approve of my using scent. _Harry. _ Not in pailfuls. Certainly not. _Dolly. _ I had three small bottles---- _Matt. _ Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is tohave none at all. [_Exit. _ _Harry. _ Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if weavoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way. _Dolly. _ [_A little frightened. _] Ye-es---- _Harry. _ Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it, figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand. _Dolly. _ Ye-es. [_Bringing a chair a little way. _] Harry, you aren'tgoing to be as business-like as all that? _Harry. _ As all what? _Dolly. _ I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [_Suddenlyrushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist, kisses him. _] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly. _Harry. _ Very well [_kisses her_], so long as we do discuss itthoroughly. _Dolly. _ I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling. _Harry. _ Jobling? _Dolly. _ The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because heswore at his wife! _Harry. _ Oh, yes. _Dolly. _ You got so angry--and shouted---- _Harry. _ Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting outof temper is _the_ one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this NewYear---- _Dolly. _ [_Kissing him. _] Don't forget that! _Harry. _ [_Kisses her. _] Now, business, business! [_Takes up a bill. _]What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste--Hillo, here'sanother artist! In stockings this time. [_Suddenly. _] I say! _Dolly. _ [_Frightened. _] Eh? _Harry. _ [_Points to an item in bill. _] Come now, Dolly--this is reallytoo bad--this really is too bad! _Dolly. _ [_Frightened. _] What?! [_Getting off his knee. _ _Harry. _ One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks---- _Dolly. _ Yes--how much does that come to? _Harry. _ Eleven pounds two---- _Dolly. _ It does seem rather a high price, but---- [_Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk stocking. _ _Harry. _ You're wearing them about the house? _Dolly. _ I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them onfor your especial benefit. [_He utters a contemptuous exclamation. _]They're a lovely quality---- [_Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher. _ _Harry. _ I daresay. [_Turning away. _] I'm not going to admire yourstockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or yourmotifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive! _Dolly. _ [_Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings. _] It'sthe clocks you have to pay for---- _Harry. _ I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for!And don't mean to--if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clockson stockings--[_muttering_] damned silly idiotic---- _Dolly. _ Ah! [_Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it infront of him. _] Double fine this time. _Harry. _ What for? _Dolly. _ Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper. _Harry. _ Oh well--[_fumbling in his pocket_] I did say d----, but Ididn't get out of temper! _Dolly. _ You didn't get out of temper?!? _Harry. _ Not at all. I'm quite calm. [_Sulkily puts a shilling in thebox. _] There! [_Seats himself at table. _] Now we'll go quietly andmethodically through the remainder---- [_Taking up a bill, looks at it, exclaims. _] Good heavens! _Dolly. _ Good heavens what? _Harry. _ [_In a low exhausted tone with groans. _] Good heavens! Goodheavens! It's absolutely useless--Good heavens! _Dolly. _ But what is it? [_Coming up, looking over. _ _Harry. _ [_Points to bill. _] Four more hats! Nine on the otherbill--four more here. Thirteen hats. _Dolly. _ No, one was a toque. _Harry. _ But can you explain? _Dolly. _ Yes. You said yourself that Madame Récamier was horriblyexpensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's--just to save yourpocket---- _Harry. _ Never save my pocket again, please. _Dolly. _ Very well, I won't. _Harry. _ No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the stringsvery tightly in future. Save my pocket! [_He is walking aboutdistractedly. _] Save my pocket. [_Groans. _ _Dolly. _ Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way--you knew whenyou married me I hadn't got the money sense---- _Harry. _ [_Groans. _] I hadn't got any sense at all! _Dolly. _ Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have Idone? Run a little into debt, solely to please you. _Harry. _ Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleasedstill. _Dolly. _ After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside thethings that some wives do! _Harry. _ Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it? _Dolly. _ A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her timerunning up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you oughtto feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant! _Harry. _ Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted! [_He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the amounts of the various bills--she creeps up behind him. _ _Dolly. _ What are you doing? _Harry. _ I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six----[_Groans. _] Ninety-four---- [_Groans. _ _Dolly. _ [_Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck. _] Now, Harry, will you take my advice----? _Harry. _ No. _Dolly. _ It's past eleven. [_Trying to take the pencil out of his hand. _ _Harry. _ [_Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly. _] Will you havethe goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what helpI shall need from my banker? _Dolly. _ Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income! _Harry. _ Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please?[_He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of theroom. _] Did you hear me? [_She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills. She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring. _ _Dolly. _ [_Piteously. _] Harry! Harry! [_Goes up to him and plucks hissleeve. _] Harry! _Harry. _ Well? [_He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns away from her, settles resolutely to his figures. _ _Dolly. _ And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we weregoing to be so happy! Harry! [_Holds out her arms appealingly. _] Harry![HARRY _suddenly turns round and clasps her. _] How could you be sounkind to me? _Harry. _ Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help mereckon this up---- _Dolly. _ Ye-es. _Harry. _ But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills---- _Dolly. _ Yes. _Harry. _ At once, my darling--it's getting late. _Dolly. _ Yes. [_Goes up to desk. _] You won't reproach me? _Harry. _ Of course I won't. _Dolly. _ I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won'treproach me. _Harry. _ I won't, unless---- _Dolly. _ Unless what? _Harry. _ It's something too awful. _Dolly. _ Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [_Goes up to the desk, brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness. _]There! You see, it's nothing. _Harry. _ [_Hastily looking at the totals. _] Nothing? You call thesenothing!!? _Dolly. _ Nothing to speak about--nothing awful! _Harry. _ Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for herhusband, or her home---- [_looking at one total after another_] how anywoman with the least self-respect---- [DOLLY _goes to him, puts her armsround him, tries to embrace--he repulses her. _] No, please. I've hadenough of that old dodge. _Dolly. _ Dodge! _Harry. _ I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled meout of it! _Dolly. _ Sweedled? _Harry. _ Yes! Sweedled! _Dolly. _ There's no such word! _Harry. _ No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [_Referringto one bill after another, picking out items. _] Lace coat, hand-made!En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli--studdedcabochons--studded cabochons! _Dolly. _ [_Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling. _]Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key? _Harry. _ [_Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in awhisper, very rapidly and fiercely. _] Yes! And I say that a woman whogoes and runs up bills like these, [_dashing the back of one handagainst the bills in the other_] while her husband is smoking threepennycigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those newpalatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointmentsare now organized with a view of providing persons of your tastes withevery luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [_Returns angrily to the bills, turns them over. _] Irish lace bolero! [_Turns to another. _] Fur motorcoat, fifty-five guineas---- _Dolly. _ [_Calmly gazing at the ceiling. _] You told me to look as smartas Mrs. Colefield. _Harry. _ Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would costby Jove! I'd---- _Dolly. _ You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father. _Harry. _ He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter issaddling me with. _Dolly. _ Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look---- _Harry. _ Shabby! [_Referring to bills. _] Lace demi-toilette! Point deVenise lace Directoire coat! Shabby? _Dolly. _ My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to whatconstitutes shabbiness? _Harry. _ No, I'm hanged if we ever shall! _Dolly. _ Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shallendeavor to please you entirely. _Harry. _ Oh, you will? _Dolly. _ By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the samestreet with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright--a perfect dowdy--aperfect draggletail! _Harry. _ Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you. _Dolly. _ You won't? _Harry. _ No, my dear. Make no mistake about that! _Dolly. _ You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps? _Harry. _ Very likely. _Dolly. _ Have you met Miss Smithson again? _Harry. _ Not since the last time. _Dolly. _ Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone? _Harry. _ What's that to do with your bills? _Dolly. _ A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dressallowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'dgive me a few lessons in economy. _Harry. _ I did not. _Dolly. _ Pardon me, you did! _Harry. _ Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give _some_ women alesson in economy. _Dolly. _ You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and youdistinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy. _Harry. _ I'll swear I didn't! _Dolly. _ Ask my father! He was there. _Harry. _ Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning. _Dolly. _ No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying whatisn't true, and I---- _Harry. _ I have not! _Dolly. _ Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! Idon't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down! _Harry. _ Very well! I will fetch him down! [_Exit. _ _Dolly. _ [_Paces furiously up and down. _] Me! Lessons in economy!Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy! _Re-enter_ HARRY. _Harry. _ He'll be down in a minute! Meantime, [_very angry_] I want toknow what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets? [_Banging his free hand on the bills. _ _Dolly. _ We'll clear up Miss Smithson first---- _Harry. _ No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson---- _Dolly. _ Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson---- _Harry. _ I can clear up Miss Smithson---- _Dolly. _ You cannot clear up Miss Smithson---- MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and looking very sleepy. _ Dad, you remember Miss Smithson---- _Matt. _ [_Coming in, very sleepy. _] Smithson? _Dolly. _ The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so muchattention to. _Harry. _ I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutelynecessary. Did I, Mr. Barron? _Dolly. _ Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember---- _Matt. _ Not for the moment---- _Dolly. _ Not the disgraceful way Harry--there's no other word--carriedon! _Harry. _ I did not carry on--Mr. Barron, I appeal to you. _Dolly. _ Dad! _Matt. _ My dear, I certainly did not notice---- _Dolly. _ No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except hisown wife! _Harry. _ You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the lastperson I shall allow to notice it! _Dolly. _ I daresay! Dad, did you hear that? _Matt. _ Yes. [_Rousing himself a little. _] Now, Harry, what about thisMiss Smithson? _Harry. _ That's what I want to know! _Matt. _ Who is Miss Smithson? _Dolly. _ Surely you remember that lanky girl---- _Harry. _ Miss Smithson is not lanky---- _Dolly. _ Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes----! _Harry. _ That's what I've often thought---- _Dolly. _ [_Explodes. _] Oh! Oh! Dad! _Matt. _ Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [_Suddenly. _] Smithson? Ohyes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party---- _Dolly. _ That's the one! _Matt. _ I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry. _Dolly. _ A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party---- _Matt. _ [_Cautiously. _] Ye-es. _Dolly. _ You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and thenshe said with that silly, simpering, appealing look---- _Harry. _ Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering. _Dolly. _ Well, it's appealing, isn't it? _Harry. _ [_With a little chuckle. _] Oh, yes, it's appealing. _Dolly. _ [_Enraged. _] Oh! Dad! _Matt. _ [_Quiets her. _] Shush!--What did she say? _Dolly. _ She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowanceis a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how anyreasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that? _Matt. _ Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it---- _Dolly. _ Yes? _Matt. _ It wasn't very nice of her. _Dolly. _ Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominableinsult, wasn't it? _Matt. _ Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances---- _Dolly. _ And Harry ought to have resented it? _Matt. _ At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he? _Dolly. _ Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have_shown_ that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her togive me a few lessons in economy! _Harry. _ I did not! _Dolly. _ Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy! _Harry. _ And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few beforeyou ran up these bills! [_Dashes his hand on to the bills. _ _Dolly. _ There! You hear?! _Matt. _ Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to giveyour wife lessons in economy. _Harry. _ I didn't! _Dolly. _ Dad! You were there---- _Matt. _ Yes, but I don't quite remember---- _Dolly. _ You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thinglike that when your own daughter tells you it was so! _Matt. _ Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson? _Harry. _ I said she might give _some_ women a lesson in economy. _Matt. _ Not meaning Dolly? [_Giving him a wink to say "No. "_ _Harry. _ No-o. _Dolly. _ Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom _could_ he meanif he didn't mean me? _Harry. _ Just so! _Dolly. _ Ah! There! You see, he owns it! _Matt. _ No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry? [_Winking at_ HARRY. _Dolly. _ Then will he please say what he really does mean? _Matt. _ Now, Harry, what do you really mean? _Harry. _ Well, you remember that night of the dinner party atFolkestone. _Matt. _ [_Cautiously. _] Ye-es. _Harry. _ After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room, didn't we? _Matt. _ [_Cautiously. _] Ye-es. _Harry. _ And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!" _Dolly. _ High gales?! [_Indignant. _] Father! You didn't say that? _Matt. _ No, no, my dear---- _Harry. _ Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales! _Matt. _ I don't remember. _Dolly. _ No, you don't remember anything. _Harry. _ You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithsonat dinner?" _Dolly. _ You see! That proves exactly what I said! _Harry. _ No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what aconfounded, cussed---- _Dolly. _ Go on! Go on! Say it! _Matt. _ Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say? _Harry. _ Well, not wishing to give Dolly away---- _Dolly. _ Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away! _Harry. _ Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come alongnow---- _Dolly. _ [_Exploding. _] There! There! [_To_ MATT. ] And you sit there andhear my own husband insult me in my own house! _Matt. _ No! No! _Dolly. _ But there you sit! There you sit! _Matt. _ [_Jumps up fiercely. _] Now, Harry! _Harry. _ [_Fiercely. _] Well, now, Mr. Barron---- _Dolly. _ Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology? _Matt. _ What for? _Dolly. _ For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone! _Harry. _ That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on myside---- _Matt. _ What? _Dolly. _ He wasn't; were you, Dad? _Matt. _ No--no. _Harry. _ What? [_Fiercely. _] Do you remember exactly what passed betweenus in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron? _Matt. _ No. _Harry. _ Then I'll tell you---- _Matt. _ [_Retreating towards door. _] No--no--I don't want to know---- _Harry. _ [_Following him up, shouting a little. _] You said, "I know whatshe's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was likeat home. " _Dolly. _ [_Pursuing him up to door. _] Father! You didn't say that! _Matt. _ No--no, my darling--quite a mistake--quite a mistake--altogethera mistake. [_Gets thankfully off at back. _ _Dolly. _ [_Calls after him. _] Then why don't you stay and tell him so! _Harry. _ [_Shouts after_ MATT. ] It's not a mistake! _Dolly. _ [_Calls after_ MATT. ] It's cowardly of you to leave me here tobe insulted. _Harry. _ [_Goes up to door, shouts. _] It's not a mistake! You patted meon the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [_Closesthe door, comes fiercely down to_ DOLLY. ] It's not a mistake! He couldsee you had insulted Miss Smithson. _Dolly. _ I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, consideringthat the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought tohave been at billiards---- _Harry. _ I took her out on the Leas! _Dolly. _ Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Wherewere you? _Harry. _ I jolly well don't know, and I--I---- _Dolly. _ Say it! Say it! _Harry. _ I damned well don't care! _Dolly. _ Ah! [_She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it; there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles; she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops on the floor a little below the table, right. _ _Dolly. _ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! _Harry. _ Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills? _Dolly. _ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! _Harry. _ Have I all your bills? _Dolly. _ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! _Harry. _ Once more, madam, have I all your bills? _Dolly. _ No, you haven't! _Harry. _ Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I maytake proceedings. _Dolly. _ [_Laughing. _] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings! _Harry. _ By Jove! I will take proceedings. _Dolly. _ Take them! Take them! _Harry. _ [_Walking about furiously with the bills. _] So this is the waythe money goes! [_Banging the bills. _] While I have to smoke twopennycigars! And can't get a decent dinner! _Dolly. _ You can't get a decent dinner? _Harry. _ No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for acook-shop. _Dolly. _ Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper! _Harry. _ By Jove! that's what I mean to do! _Dolly. _ Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll handher over the keys! _Harry. _ [_Shouting. _] And please hand me over the rest of your bills!The rest of your bills, madam! [DOLLY _marches up to the desk. _ MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown. _ _Matt. _ I can't get a wink of sleep---- [DOLLY _takes out about twenty more bills. _ _Harry. _ I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there! _Dolly. _ [_Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor. _] Wellthere! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot!And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room! [_Exit. _ _Harry. _ I insist on your going through these bills---- [_Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs_, DOLLY _saying_, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings, " HARRY _saying_, "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam, I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills, " etc. _Matt. _ [_Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices haveceased, he surveys the scene. _] We're making a splendid start for theNew Year! [_Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on table and goes off. _ CURTAIN. (_A year passes between Acts III and IV. _) ACT IV. SCENE: _The same. _ TIME: _Afternoon of January 1st, 1908. _ _Enter_ LUCAS, _followed by_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _has his left collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging down. _ _Lucas. _ They've gone to meet me? _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. _Lucas. _ By the road? _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. _Lucas. _ That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other sideof the clump, and so I walked over the fields. _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious. _Lucas. _ No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months'leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England. _Criddle. _ You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir? _Lucas. _ Blazing! _Criddle. _ We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir. _Lucas. _ Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle? _Criddle. _ Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess. _Lucas. _ Same old visitors--same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcherstill Vicar here, I suppose? _Criddle. _ Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year'sservice last night. _Lucas. _ Same old sermon! _Criddle. _ No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similarpoints to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service lastyear? _Lucas. _ Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was! _Criddle. _ Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touchedme up a bit. _Lucas. _ In what way, Criddle? _Criddle. _ I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but Inever put a farthing on anything--not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks. _Lucas. _ You didn't? _Criddle. _ No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't, for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I nevertouched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me---- _Lucas. _ What, Criddle? _Criddle. _ Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had acollecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straighthe used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanketfund---- _Lucas. _ Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign foreach of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that comingoff, Criddle? _Criddle. _ I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here thisafternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before hegets here. _Lucas. _ Find the box? _Criddle. _ Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me, sir, I must look for it. [_Exit_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to conservatory, looks in. _ RENIE _enters at door behind him. She starts, as he turns round. _ _Renie. _ [_In a whisper. _] You're here already? _Lucas. _ Yes---- _Renie. _ Your wound? _Lucas. _ Much better. Nearly well. _Renie. _ I'm so glad---- _Lucas. _ I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Whydidn't you answer my last letter? _Renie. _ I did--and tore it up. _Lucas. _ Tore it up? _Renie. _ What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anythingto each other! _Lucas. _ But you didn't mean it? [_He seizes her hand and kisses it several times. _ _Renie. _ [_Feebly attempting to withdraw it. _] Yes--yes, I did. Hush! _Lucas. _ I want you to read this. [_Shows her the letter. _ _Matt. _ [_Heard through the door which is open a few inches. _] Have youfound the box, Criddle? _Criddle. _ No, sir. I've hunted everywhere. _Matt. _ Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher. MATT _enters. Meantime_ RENIE _has crept to upper conservatory door and gone off signing to_ LUCAS _to keep silence. He has taken the letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it back before_ MATT _enters. _ _Matt. _ Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year! _Lucas. _ Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. [_Cordially shaking hands. _ _Matt. _ Glad to see you back in England. _Lucas. _ Glad to be back! _Matt. _ How's the arm? _Lucas. _ Splendid--nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right? _Matt. _ First rate. They'll be here directly. _Lucas. _ The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me. _Matt. _ Ye-es. _Lucas. _ Gray matter still going strong? _Matt. _ Booming. _Lucas. _ How's Mrs. Sturgess? _Matt. _ As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act---- _Lucas. _ Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh? _Matt. _ Very. Lucas---- _Lucas. _ Well? _Matt. _ You're quite cured, eh? _Lucas. _ Cured? _Matt. _ Of your infatuation for her. _Lucas. _ Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky Iwas ordered out to India---- _Matt. _ I managed that for you, my boy. _Lucas. _ You did!? _Matt. _ Sir John wanted a smart A. D. C. , so I drove over to Aldershot, urged your claims, and got you the appointment. _Lucas. _ So that was why I was packed off. It was you who---- _Matt. _ Aren't you thankful I did? _Lucas. _ Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged! _Matt. _ So you ought to be. And so's the lady. _Lucas. _ Is she? _Matt. _ Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor downto-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thankedDolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you. _Lucas. _ Did she? _Matt. _ Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she wouldhave kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy. _Lucas. _ Oh, so that's all settled! _Matt. _ That's all settled. At least, let's hope so. _Lucas. _ What do you mean? _Matt. _ Well, you won't come---- _Lucas. _ What? _Matt. _ The same old game. _Lucas. _ What same old game? _Matt. _ Why, _the_ same old game! _Lucas. _ You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young. _Matt. _ My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's notgoing to be any repetition---- _Lucas. _ No--no. _Matt. _ Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it? _Lucas. _ No. _Matt. _ Very well then, don't do it! _Lucas. _ I won't! [_Listening. _] Ah! [DOLLY _and_ HARRY'S _voices heardin hall_] Dolly and Harry! DOLLY _and_ HARRY _enter very lovingly. _ _Lucas. _ Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year! _Dolly. _ Happy New Year, Lu! _Lucas. _ Harry, old brick, how goes it? _Harry. _ Splendid! _Lucas. _ Happy New Year! _Harry. _ Happy New Year! [_Looking lovingly at_ DOLLY. ] By Jove, Doll, you can foot it. [_To_ LUCAS. ] Doll and I have just raced up from thefarm. She licked me! bless her! _Dolly. _ Yes, because you encouraged me! _Harry. _ [_Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses herheartily. _] There aren't many things this little woman can't do. _Dolly. _ When you encourage me! _Harry. _ Oh, I'll encourage you! [_He again kisses her heartily. _ _Harry. _ Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad? _Lucas. _ No, nearly well, unfortunately. _Dolly. _ Down for the day? _Lucas. _ Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd putme up---- _Dolly. _ [_Firmly. _] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner. _Harry. _ There's the spare room, Doll. _Dolly. _ [_Firmly. _] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself. _Harry. _ [_Half aside to her. _] I say, not for you, old girl! _Lucas. _ Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion. _Enter_ RENIE _at back, still in outdoor clothes. _ _Renie. _ [_Feigning a little surprise. _] Captain Wentworth! A happy NewYear! _Lucas. _ Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess. [_Shaking hands. _ _Renie. _ So sorry to hear of your wound! _Lucas. _ Oh, it's healed, thank you. _Renie. _ I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England? _Lucas. _ I fear only a few days longer. _Renie. _ I'm sorry your visit will be so short. CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand. _ _Criddle. _ I've found him, sir-- _Matt. _ Rather mouldy, eh? _Criddle. _ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir. [_Begins to dust the box carefully. _ _Matt. _ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry. _Harry. _ How? _Matt. _ You've had no occasion to use him lately. _Criddle. _ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it. _] There heis, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new. _Matt. _ Where did you find him? _Criddle. _ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottleof the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put myhand behind, there he was! _Harry. _ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance. _] Yes, I remember! _Matt. _ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds outhis hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box. _ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding itcarefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box ashake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, moreviolently; it rattles again. _] Internal organs sound healthy. How did heget into the wine-cellar, Harry? _Harry. _ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff onemorning--nothing serious---- _Matt. _ No. When was that? _Harry. _ March, wasn't it? _Dolly. _ May, I think---- _Harry. _ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled atDolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so Ithought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it. _Matt. _ [_Gives it another rattle. _] Well, here he is, turned up just atthe right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in asovereign for each of you. CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _Pilcher. _ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing hisparcels. _] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners! _Dolly. _ New Year's gifts! _Pilcher. _ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her. _] Happy NewYear, Mr. Barron! [_Shaking hands. _ _Matt. _ Happy New Year! _Pilcher. _ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods. _] My dear Mrs. Sturgess! [_Shaking hands. _ _Renie. _ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again lastnight! _Pilcher. _ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing. _Harry. _ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well---- [_Gives himself a shake. _ _Pilcher. _ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year! _Lucas. _ [_Shaking hands. _] Happy New Year! _Pilcher. _ I heard you were wounded---- _Lucas. _ Oh, that's done with. _Matt. _ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest---- _Pilcher. _ Inquest?! _Matt. _ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and---- [_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS. _Dolly. _ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character isdead here. _Matt. _ I hope not! We shall see---- _Lucas. _ Uncle, you don't really mean---- _Matt. _ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoidany awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive hisclaims to my contributions---- _Pilcher. _ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purposeof bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives ita shake; his features assume a pleasant smile. _] It seems to have proveda very wholesome household regulator. _Harry. _ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hoursbefore I put in a sovereign. _Pilcher. _ A sovereign? _Harry. _ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a littletiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn'tI, Dolly?---- _Dolly. _ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear! _Pilcher. _ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again. _] I won'tsay "Don't have any more household tiffs, " but I will say "Don't omit toliquidate them. " [_Gives the box another rattle. _] The box must havebeen in pretty constant use since---- _Harry. _ Ye-es. PROFESSOR STURGESS _enters at back, with the proofs of his book in his hand. _ _Prof. _ How do you do? _Pilcher. _ [_Has put down box. _] How do you do? [_Shaking hands. _] HappyNew Year! _Prof. _ Happy New Year to you! [_To_ LUCAS. ] How d'ye do? _Lucas. _ First rate. Happy New Year! [_Shaking hands. _ _Prof. _ Thank you. An accident? _Lucas. _ Bit of one. Getting over it. _Prof. _ If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine. _Lucas. _ Oh, thanks, it's quite well---- _Prof. _ Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding---- [_Looking round. _ _Pilcher. _ Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr. Barron raised last New Year's day---- _Prof. _ Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morningreceived the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion. " [_Showing the proofs to_ PILCHER. _Pilcher. _ Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter withyou, but [_taking out watch_] I have so many New Year's calls to make. [_Looking at_ MATT. ] Perhaps we ought to get on with the--a---- _Matt. _ Inquest. _Pilcher. _ Vindication. _Matt. _ [_Accepting the correction. _] Vindication. _Prof. _ I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's noveland humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even totouch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here dependsupon---- [_Again offering the proof. _ _Pilcher. _ I should like to look through those sheets, but---- [_Glancing at_ MATT. _Prof. _ You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete caseof Sarah Mumford---- _Pilcher. _ Sarah Mumford? _Prof. _ The baby farmer---- _Matt. _ Sarah's gray matter gone watery? _Prof. _ Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion---- _Matt. _ I suppose that's just as bad? _Prof. _ Quite. _Matt. _ What did they do with her? _Prof. _ They hanged her. They then discovered extensive lesions and thisyellow effusion---- _Matt. _ Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her. _Prof. _ My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whosegray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime. _Dolly. _ But she had suffocated five dear little babies? _Matt. _ How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yelloweffusion in her brain? _Prof. _ Precisely my argument---- [_Puts his proofs into_ MATT'S _hands. Points out a passage_. MATT, _a little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them. _] _Prof. _ The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow thatextensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free aman from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete outblame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good orbad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certaininevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dialplate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in theworking of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex? _Matt. _ Quite so! Quite so! [DOLLY _is about to speak, but_ MATT _hushesher down with a warning look and sign. _] The Professor wants to say withSocrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he couldpossibly help it. _Prof. _ Well, if you like to put it that way---- _Pilcher. _ And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exactterms, Mr. Barron? _Matt. _ I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has sofar benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as tohave broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit---- _Lucas. _ We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've brokenoff? _Matt. _ I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention theparticular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor thatyou've conquered it. [_Putting down proofs on table, taking up themoney-box, giving it a shake. _] Now, who will be first to step into theconfessional? [_Looking round. _ _Dolly. _ I will. As I've nothing to confess. _Matt. _ Nothing? _Dolly. _ No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but---- _Harry. _ No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll? _Dolly. _ No. _Harry. _ You're sure now, my darling? _Dolly. _ None of any importance. _Harry. _ What do you mean of any importance? _Dolly. _ Well, you must have some bills--they grow up before youknow--such as Doctors' bills--you can't settle them all on the spur ofthe moment, but I've nothing--nothing of importance. So please put inyour sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it. _Matt. _ You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken offyour bad habit of running up bills? _Dolly. _ Yes. _Matt. _ Entirely? _Dolly. _ Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive. _Matt. _ Yes, but---- _Pilcher. _ Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim onevictory for free will, [_nodding victoriously at the_ PROFESSOR _whoshakes his head_], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club. _Matt. _ Hum! [_Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantlydrops it into the box, shakes his head at_ DOLLY _who looks a littleuncomfortable. _] Who volunteers next? _Renie. _ I do. No--I'll wait a little--I want to make sure that I amperfectly honest with myself and with everybody. _Matt. _ That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas? _Lucas. _ Oh, let Harry have his doing first! _Matt. _ Now, Harry! _Harry. _ Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The factis I've made a thundering mess of it. _Matt. _ Ah! _Harry. _ I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly--andthen I kept on pretty well for some time, and then--well I don't know--Iseemed to go all to pieces and--[MATT _rattles the money-box. _] However, better luck this year. _Pilcher. _ Shall we say a little more resolution? _Harry. _ Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year. _Matt. _ Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry--too many irons inthe fire, eh? _Harry. _ Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slacktill you woke us up last night--I say, that was a rouser again. _Pilcher. _ It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for thenext year shall we make one especial effort in one especialdirection--Say---- _Dolly. _ Temper, eh, Harry? _Harry. _ Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it. _Matt. _ No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Gameand game, eh? Now which of you two---- [_Looking at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS. _Renie. _ I'll be your first victim. [_Coming into the middle of theroom, and posing. _] It's so strange that what you started as a jest---- _Matt. _ Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you. _Renie. _ In this life who knows what is jest and what is earnest? Theleast little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment---- _Matt. _ Surely you haven't had any little tragedies? _Renie. _ No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to atragedy--honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a littlecareless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and whatmight have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those twodear friends! _Prof. _ My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to? _Matt. _ We said we wouldn't be inquisitive---- _Prof. _ No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during thelast twelve months that even approached a tragedy---- _Renie. _ I said the affair was quite unimportant---- _Prof. _ Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and Iwish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy Frenchnovels--and above all, take a little more regular exercise! _Matt. _ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during thecoming year. Meantime, [_To_ RENIE] may we be confident your littletragedy is ended---- _Renie. _ Oh yes, quite. _Matt. _ We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor? [_Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously. _] _Renie. _ Yes, my word of honor. _Matt. _ Thank you. _Pilcher. _ Another victory. _Matt. _ [_Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box. _]Lucas? _Lucas. _ [_Coming cheerfully forward. _] My turn for the thumbscrew! _Matt. _ You seem very cheerful about it. _Lucas. _ Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show. _Matt. _ What particular bad habit have you conquered during the pastyear? _Lucas. _ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, butI've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myselfon the back. _Matt. _ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance, you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many ofthem at the same time---- _Lucas. _ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this---- _Matt. _ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off thestraight---- _Lucas. _ Oh no I didn't. _Matt. _ I want to know---- _Lucas. _ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goesany further. _Matt. _ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S_shoulder. _] Give me your word of honor---- _Lucas. _ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don'tthink you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet alady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all myresolution, and there the matter ended. _Pilcher. _ I think I may claim a victory here. _Lucas. _ So please put in your sovereign. _Matt. _ [_Very seriously. _] If you will give me your word of honor thatyou have absolutely broken off---- _Lucas. _ Yes, yes, of course I have. [MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER. _Pilcher. _ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory. [_Taking out watch. _] I must hurry off to the White House and see whatthey're doing there. [_Rattling the box. _] Excellent results! Soexcellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year'sgift. [_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels. _ _Dolly. _ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me? _Pilcher. _ [_Opening his parcel. _] To you and your husband. To yourhusband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a littleshort of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest ofus--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all beenwatching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a verybright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted onit, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box. _] Myhousehold regulator! [_Giving it to_ DOLLY. _Dolly. _ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening ofthe parcel. _] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry'ssake. Harry! For you, dear. [_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table. _] _Dolly. _ You call it the household regulator? _Pilcher. _ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, itsuse will become very general throughout the diocese. _Dolly. _ You think it will work well? _Pilcher. _ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller, according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at eachhouse on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, andasperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either thefamily behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm startingits operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness inleaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands. _]Good-bye, Professor. _Prof. _ I should like to make that point clear with regard to freewill---- _Pilcher. _ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, wemight argue it out---- _Prof. _ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you---- _Pilcher. _ Delighted! [_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY. _Prof. _ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better comewith us---- _Renie. _ But I've already been walking---- _Prof. _ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keepout in it all the day long---- _Renie. _ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, Isuppose? _Prof. _ As usual. Come along. [_Exit. _ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR. _Lucas. _ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there! _Matt. _ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a strollthere! [_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS. _Lucas. _ [_Suspicious, holding back. _] I don't know that I care--we wentthere last year---- _Matt. _ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along. [_Drags_ LUCAS _off_. _Pilcher. _ [_Has been gathering up his parcels. _] Well, good-bye!Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously. _] Three splendidvictories for free will and moral resolution! [_Exit, rattling the box. _ _Harry. _ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year? _Dolly. _ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent. _Harry. _ You might let me see the little oddments---- _Dolly. _ I will. [_Suddenly. _] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me! _Harry. _ What? _Dolly. _ I never wrote the geyser bath people! _Harry. _ Never mind the geyser bath. _Dolly. _ And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got itready for the New Year! Where did you put their address? _Harry. _ I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers. _Dolly. _ [_Gently pushing him off. _] I can just catch to-night's post!Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get thebath fixed up for you next week. _Harry. _ Ye--es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed upto-night. [_Taps the writing-case significantly and exit. _ DOLLY _looks frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, shows great resolution, marches up and touches it. _ _Dolly. _ Yes! Yes! I have got free will. [_Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, touches it. _ _Dolly. _ Then why do I keep on having bills? RENIE _enters in great agitation and distress. _ _Renie. _ Oh, Dolly! _Dolly. _ What's the matter? _Renie. _ Oh, Dolly! _Dolly. _ What is it? _Renie. _ [_Throws her arms round_ DOLLY _affectionately. _] You've alwaysbeen such a true friend to me---- _Dolly. _ Yes, dear. _Renie. _ More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now. _Dolly. _ [_A little suspicious. _] Yes. Has anything happened? _Renie. _ Yes. Oh, Dolly---- _Dolly. _ Tell me! _Renie. _ As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth heldout a letter behind his back for me to take---- _Dolly. _ What?! _Renie. _ But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, andhe dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed andinsisted on reading it---- _Dolly. _ What was in the letter? _Renie. _ It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to awrong conclusion, and--oh, Dolly, you can help me! _Dolly. _ [_Coldly, relaxing her embrace. _] How? _Renie. _ If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving itfor you---- _Dolly. _ What?! _Renie. _ There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that itshowed that you weren't really guilty. _Dolly. _ Oh! I wasn't really guilty? _Renie. _ In fact, it proves your complete innocence. _Dolly. _ I'm glad of that. _Renie. _ Then you'll let me say it was you? _Dolly. _ No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love tome in my own house?! _Renie. _ You won't help me? _Dolly. _ Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish? _Renie. _ I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quitemade up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must bean illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean todo. Oh, what shall I do? _Dolly. _ As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husbandto forgive you. _Renie. _ Ye--es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment Ishall take that ground--at any rate at first, and see what he says. You'll help me all you can? _Dolly. _ Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas infuture! _Renie. _ No, indeed! if I once get out of this. _Dolly. _ Very well! I'll see what I can do. --Hush! _The_ PROFESSOR _enters with a letter in his hand_, MATT _soothing him. _ _Prof. _ [_Very angry. _] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, youhave doubtless heard---- _Dolly. _ Yes----? _Prof. _ I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgesswill, I trust, return to her friends until---- _Matt. _ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain---- _Prof. _ What explanation can be offered of language like this. [_Readingfrom letter. _] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you wereentirely different from any woman I have ever met----" A monstrouslyinexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable ofpractising such deceit---- [RENIE _bursts into tears_. _Matt. _ I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say---- _Renie. _ [_Through her tears. _] What would be the use? With such anature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalteddevotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I havebeen misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end!Dolly, come and help me pack! [_Exit_. MATT _goes up to table and takes up proofs of_ PROFESSOR'S _book and looks through them. _ _Dolly. _ You're really too severe with poor Renie---- _Prof. _ I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence ofthe husband upon the wife who misconducts herself! _Dolly. _ Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmlessflirtation---- _Prof. _ In my wife a flirtation of this character [_pointing to letterin his hand_] constitutes grave misconduct. _Dolly. _ But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to anywoman! Dad, explain to him---- _Matt. _ Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Nowthis case you were pointing out to me in your own book [_pointing toproofs_]--Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome womantoo!--[_reading_] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poorlady must be apparent to all. " My dear Professor, before publishing thisbook you'll have to modify your theory. _Prof. _ I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collectingfacts which prove it. _Matt. _ Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess'slittle indiscretion. _Prof. _ That is equally impossible---- _Matt. _ But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter wasentirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of herbrain. _Prof. _ Undoubtedly that is so. _Dolly. _ Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing asfree will---- _Prof. _ Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present lowmoral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is aplausible working hypothesis. _Dolly. _ But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at myown case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if Icould help myself? [_Catching_ MATT'S _eye, who looks at her gravely andholds up his finger. _] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrongand absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as freewill! _Matt. _ Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laiddown here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book! _Prof. _ But it has been announced! I must publish it. _Matt. _ You cannot. Read that. [_Giving the_ PROFESSOR _the book andpointing out passage. _] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. Sturgess. _Prof. _ [_Taking book, glancing at the passage. _] Really, it's mostannoying when one's own wife upsets---- _Matt. _ Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or theother. _Prof. _ Of course, if one presses the matter home to firstprinciples---- _Dolly. _ Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! Youought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered. _Prof. _ Suffered? _Dolly. _ Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she hasgone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration foryou. _Prof. _ Her admiration for me! _Dolly. _ Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist ofscience. _Prof. _ [_Mollified. _] Does she? Does she? _Dolly. _ Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet toher, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anythingexcept reproaches---- _Prof. _ [_Looking at his proofs. _] I must publish my book. And afterall, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according tothe---- _Matt. _ The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can'thelp themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife youought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her graymatter into a healthy condition. _Prof. _ I will hear what she has to say. _Dolly. _ No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure hergray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be foryou! _Prof. _ It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I mustpublish my book. [_Exit. _ _Dolly. _ Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas. _Matt. _ No, my dear, I wouldn't. _Dolly. _ That wretched Lucas! _Matt. _ What is to be done with him? _Dolly. _ Pack him off! Pack him off at once! [LUCAS _cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door. _ _Lucas. _ I say, how's the old bird seem to take it? _Dolly. _ Old bird! _Lucas. _ He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this? _Dolly. _ Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you! _Lucas. _ You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry! _Dolly. _ Sorry! _Lucas. _ I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make---- _Dolly. _ Reparation?! _Lucas. _ Such as an apology---- [DOLLY _utters a contemptuous exclamation. _ _Matt. _ Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgessagain? _Lucas. _ Yes. _Matt. _ Or write to her? _Lucas. _ Yes. _Matt. _ The word of honour of an English gentleman used to meansomething, Lu. _Lucas. _ It does now, Uncle Matt! _Matt. _ [_Shakes hands with him heartily. _] Then I'll take it. Now beoff as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you andher. _Lucas. _ Thanks. Good-bye! _Matt. _ Good-bye! [LUCAS _crosses to_ DOLLY, _offers his hand. _ _Dolly. _ No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behaveyourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India. _Lucas. _ You're taking this too seriously--you're taking it far tooseriously! [_Exit. _ _Matt. _ We're making a splendid start again for the New Year! _Dolly. _ I hope this will be a lesson for Renie! _Matt. _ I hope so. How about yourself? _Dolly. _ What do you mean? _Matt. _ I put the sovereign in, but--you've got a few more bills, eh? _Dolly. _ Just a few oddments. _Matt. _ How much? _Dolly. _ I don't know. Dad---- _Matt. _ Well? _Dolly. _ Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won thatsplendid coup on them last week---- _Matt. _ Well? _Dolly. _ You couldn't lend me--a few hundreds--till my allowance comesdue? Just a few hundreds---- _Matt. _ [_In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head. _] What? What?What? Sad! Sad! Sad!! _Dolly. _ [_Listens. _] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad--you will? _Matt. _ I'll see what I can do. HARRY _enters cheerfully. _ _Harry. _ That's all right, Doll! There's the address. [_Giving a slip of paper. _ _Dolly. _ Thanks, dear. _Harry. _ And now about these mere oddments? _Dolly. _ Not now, dear. _Harry. _ Yes, dear, now. [_Very sternly. _] This instant! _Dolly. _ Harry, you're going to lose your temper---- _Harry. _ No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [_very sternly_]let me see those bills. _Dolly. _ [_Creeps frightened up to the desk. _] I'm sure you're going tolose your temper. [_Opens the desk. _ _Harry. _ [_Firmly. _] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [_She handshim one timorously. _] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists![_looks at total_]--one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm---- _Dolly. _ Ah, Jobling! _Harry. _ I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never entertheir shop again! _Dolly. _ I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary---- _Harry. _ Necessary? _Dolly. _ Yes--you see the chief item---- _Harry. _ [_Reads. _] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa--eightyguineas--eighty guineas---- _Dolly. _ I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week. _Harry. _ Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all---- _Matt. _ Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to pleaseyou! _Dolly. _ You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside--I've a great mindto give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on! _Harry. _ I'm not going to be sweedled---- _Matt. _ Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and seewhether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [_Exit_ DOLLY. _Harry. _ [_Calls after her. _] I tell you I'm not going to besweedled!---- _Matt. _ What is sweedled? _Harry. _ Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling!It's what every d--ee--d good-natured husband like me has to go through, when he's fool enough to put up with it! _Matt. _ Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come tothat in the end. _Harry. _ I'm not going to be sweedled---- _Matt. _ And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her outwith it to-morrow morning! _Harry. _ No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night. _Matt. _ No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, thecook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoyit. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please! DOLLY _enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat. _ HARRY _looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and displays it. _ _Dolly. _ Well? [_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she followshim. _] Well? [Walking after him. ] Well? Well? [_Displaying the furs. _] [_He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms. _ _Harry. _ Oh, hang it all! [_Takes her in his arms and kisses her. _]There! _Dolly. _ [_Kissing him heartily. _] And there! [_Another kiss. _] Andthere! [_Another kiss. _] And there! [_Catches sight of the collectingbox, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor. _]AND THERE! CURTAIN. * * * * * Transcriber's note The following changes have been made to the text: Page 7: "The Afternoon" changed to "The afternoon". Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to "thirty-four, seven". Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of youhas his own". Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a pleasant walk". Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the time----". Page 50: "Doll. " changed to "Dolly. ". Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to "Gibraltar". Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for themselves". Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least self-respect". Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now organized". Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a minute". Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive lesions".