DEEP WATERS By W. W. JACOBS CONTENTS: BEDRIDDEN THE WINTER OFFENSIVE BEDRIDDEN July 12, 1915. --Disquieting rumours to the effect that epidemic ofBilletitis hitherto confined to the north of King's Road shows signs ofspreading. July 14. --Report that two Inns of Court men have been seen peeping overmy gate. July 16. --Informed that soldier of agreeable appearance and charmingmanners requests interview with me. Took a dose of Phospherine and went. Found composite photograph of French, Joffre, and Hindenburg waiting forme in the hall. Smiled (he did, I mean) and gave me the mutilated formof salute reserved for civilians. Introduced himself as Quartermaster-Sergeant Beddem, and stated that the Inns of Court O. T. C. Was goingunder canvas next week. After which he gulped. Meantime could I take ina billet. Questioned as to what day the corps was going into camp saidthat he believed it was Monday, but was not quite sure--might possibly beTuesday. Swallowed again and coughed a little. Accepted billet and feltcompletely re-warded by smile. Q. M. S. Bade me good-bye, and then withthe air of a man suddenly remembering something, asked me whether I couldtake two. Excused myself and interviewed my C. O. Behind the dining-roomdoor. Came back and accepted. Q. M. S. So overjoyed (apparently) that hefell over the scraper. Seemed to jog his memory. He paused, and gazingin absent fashion at the topmost rose on the climber in the porch, askedwhether I could take three! Added hopefully that the third was only aboy. Excused myself. Heated debate with C. O. Subject: sheets. Returned with me to explain to the Q. M. S. He smiled. C. O. Accepted atonce, and, returning smile, expressed regret at size and position ofbedrooms available. Q. M. S. Went off swinging cane jauntily. July 17. --Billets arrived. Spoke to them about next Monday and canvas. They seemed surprised. Strange how the military authorities decline totake men into their confidence merely because they are privates. Letthem upstairs. They went (for first and last time) on tiptoe. July 18. --Saw Q. M. S. Beddem in the town. Took shelter in the King'sArms. Jug. 3. --Went to Cornwall. Aug. 31. --Returned. Billets received me very hospitably. Sept. 4. --Private Budd, electrical engineer, dissatisfied withappearance of bell-push in dining-room, altered it. Sept. 5. --Bells out of order. Sept. 6. --Private Merited, also an electrical engineer, helped PrivateBudd to repair bells. Sept. 7. --Private Budd helped Private Merited to repair bells. Sept. 8. --Privates Budd and Merited helped each other to repair bells. Sept. 9. --Sent to local tradesman to put my bells in order. Sept. 15. --Told that Q. M. S. Beddem wished to see me. Saw C. O. First. She thought he had possibly come to take some of the billets away. Q. M. S. Met my approach with a smile that re-minded me vaguely of picture-postcards I had seen. Awfully sorry to trouble me, but Private Montease, just back from three weeks' holiday with bronchitis, was sleeping in thewood-shed on three planks and a tin-tack. Beamed at me and waited. Wentand bought another bed-stead. Sept. 16. --Private Montease and a cough entered into residence. Sept. 17, 11. 45 p. M. --Maid came to bedroom-door with some cough lozengeswhich she asked me to take to the new billet. Took them. PrivateMontease thanked me, but said he didn't mind coughing. Said it was anheirloom; Montease cough, known in highest circles all over Scotlandsince time of Young Pretender. Sept. 20. --Private Montease installed in easy-chair in dining-room withtouch of bronchitis, looking up trains to Bournemouth. Sept. 21. --Private Montease in bed all day. Cook anxious "to do herbit" rubbed his chest with home-made embrocation. Believe it is samestuff she rubs chests in hall with. Smells the same anyway. Sept. 24. --Private Montease, complaining of slight rawness of chest, butotherwise well, returned to duty. Oct. 5. --Cough worse again. Private Montease thinks that with care itmay turn to bronchitis. Borrowed an A. B. C. Oct. 6. --Private Montease relates uncanny experience. Woke up withfeeling of suffocation to find an enormous black-currant and glycerinejujube wedged in his gullet. Never owned such a thing in his life. Seems to be unaware that he always sleeps with his mouth open. Nov. 14. --Private Bowser, youngest and tallest of my billets, gazetted. Nov. 15, 10. 35 a. M. --Private Bowser in tip-top spirits said good-bye tous all. 10. 45. --Told that Q. M. S. Beddem desired to see me. Capitulated. Newbillet, Private Early, armed to the teeth, turned up in the evening. Said that he was a Yorkshireman. Said that Yorkshire was the finestcounty in England, and Yorkshiremen the finest men in the world. Stoodtoying with his bayonet and waiting for contradiction. Jan. 5, 1916. --Standing in the garden just after lunch was witness tostartling phenomenon. Q. M. S. Beddem came towards front-gate with asmile so expansive that gate after first trembling violently on itshinges swung open of its own accord. Q. M. S. , with smile (sad), said hewas in trouble. Very old member of the Inns of Court, Private Keen, hadre-joined, and he wanted a good billet for him. Would cheerfully give uphis own bed, but it wasn't long enough. Not to be outdone in hospitalityby my own gate accepted Private Keen. Q. M. S. Digging hole in my pathwith toe of right boot, and for first and only time manifesting signs ofnervousness, murmured that two life-long friends of Private Keen's hadrejoined with him. Known as the Three Inseparables. Where they were tosleep, unless I----. Fled to house, and locking myself in top-atticwatched Q. M. S. From window. He departed with bent head and swagger-canereversed. Jan 6. --Private Keen arrived. Turned out to be son of an old Chief ofmine. Resolved not to visit the sins of the father on the head of achild six feet two high and broad in proportion. Feb. 6. --Private Keen came home with a temperature. Feb. 7. --M. O. Diagnosed influenza. Was afraid it would spread. Feb. 8. --Warned the other four billets. They seemed amused. Pointedout that influenza had no terrors for men in No. 2 Company, who weredoomed to weekly night-ops. Under Major Carryon. Feb. 9. --House strangely and pleasantly quiet. Went to see how PrivateKeen was progressing, and found the other four billets sitting in a rowon his bed practising deep-breathing exercises. Feb. 16. --Billets on night-ops. Until late hour. Spoke in highest termsof Major Carryon's marching powers--also in other terms. March 3. --Waited up until midnight for Private Merited, who had gone toSlough on his motor-bike. March 4, 1. 5 a. M. --Awakened by series of explosions from over-worked, orbadly-worked, motor-bike. Put head out of window and threw key toPrivate Merited. He seemed excited. Said he had been chased all the wayfrom Chesham by a pink rat with yellow spots. Advised him to go to bed. Set him an example. 1. 10. A. M. --Heard somebody in the pantry. 2. 10. A. M. --Heard PrivateMerited going upstairs to bed. 2. 16 a. M. --Heard Private Merited still going upstairs to bed. 2. 20-3. 15. A. M. --Heard Private Merited getting to bed. April 3, 12. 30 a. M. --Town-hooter announced Zeppelins and excited soldiercalled up my billets from their beds to go and frighten them off. Pleasant to see superiority of billets over the hooter: that only emittedthree blasts. 12. 50 a. M. --Billets returned with exception of Private Merited, who wasretained for sake of his motor-bike. 9 a. M. --On way to bath-room ran into Private Merited, who, looking veryglum and sleepy, inquired whether I had a copy of the Exchange and Martin the house. 10 p. M. --Overheard billets discussing whether it was worth while removingboots before going to bed until the Zeppelin scare was over. Joined indiscussion. May 2. --Rumours that the Inns of Court were going under canvas. Discredited them. May 5. --Rumours grow stronger. May 6. --Billets depressed. Begin to think perhaps there is something inrumours after all. May 9. -All doubts removed. Tents begin to spring up with the suddennessof mushrooms in fields below Berkhamsted Place. May 18, LIBERATION DAY. --Bade a facetious good-bye to my billets;response lacking in bonhomie. May 19. -House delightfully quiet. Presented caller of unkempt appearanceat back-door with remains of pair of military boots, three empty shaving-stick tins, and a couple of partially bald tooth-brushes. May 21. --In afternoon went round and looked at camp. Came home smiling, and went to favourite seat in garden to smoke. Discovered Private Earlylying on it fast asleep. Went to study. Private Merited at tablewriting long and well-reasoned letter to his tailor. As he said he couldnever write properly with anybody else in the room, left him and went tobath-room. Door locked. Peevish but familiar voice, with a Scotchaccent, asked me what I wanted; also complained of temperature of water. May 22. --After comparing notes with neighbours, feel deeply grateful toQ. M. S. Beddem for sending me the best six men in the corps. July 15. --Feel glad to have been associated, however remotely and humbly, with a corps, the names of whose members appear on the Roll of Honour ofevery British regiment. THE WINTER OFFENSIVE _N. B. --Having regard to the eccentricities of the Law of Libel it must bedistinctly understood that the following does not refer to thedistinguished officer, Lieut. Troup Horne, of the Inns of Court. Anybody trying to cause mischief between a civilian of eight stone and asoldier of seventeen by a statement to the contrary will hear from mysolicitors. _ Aug. 29, 1916. --We returned from the sea to find our house still ourown, and the military still in undisputed possession of the remains ofthe grass in the fields of Berkhamsted Place. As in previous years, itwas impossible to go in search of wild-flowers without stumbling oversleeping members of the Inns of Court; but war is war, and we grumble aslittle as possible. Sept. 28. --Unpleasant rumours to the effect that several members of theInns of Court had attributed cases of curvature of the spine to sleepingon ground that had been insufficiently rolled. Also that they had beenheard to smack their lips and speak darkly of featherbeds. Respectedneighbour of gloomy disposition said that if Pharaoh were still alive hecould suggest an eleventh plague to him beside which frogs and flies werean afternoon's diversion. Oct. 3. --Householders of Berkhamsted busy mending bedsteads broken bylast year's billets, and buying patent taps for their beer-barrels. Oct. 15. --Informed that a representative of the Army wished to see me. Instead of my old friend Q. M. S. Beddem, who generally returns to life atthis time of year, found that it was an officer of magnificent presenceand two pips. A fine figure of a man, with a great resemblance to thelate lamented Bismarck, minus the moustache and the three hairs on thetop of the head. Asked him to be seated. He selected a chair that wasall arms and legs and no hips to speak of and crushed himself into it. After which he unfastened his belt and "swelled wisibly afore my werryeyes. " Said that his name was True Born and asked if it made anydifference to me whether I had one officer or half-a-dozen men billetedon me. Said that he was the officer, and that as the rank-and-file werenot allowed to pollute the same atmosphere, thought I should score. After a mental review of all I could remember of the Weights and MeasuresTable, accepted him. He bade a lingering farewell to the chair, anddeparted. Oct. 16. --Saw Q. M. S. Beddem on the other side of the road and gave himan absolutely new thrill by crossing to meet him. Asked diffidently--asdiffidently as he could, that is--how many men my house would hold. Replied eight--or ten at a pinch. He gave me a surprised and beamingsmile and whipped out a huge note-book. Informed him with as much regretas I could put into a voice not always under perfect control, that I hadalready got an officer. Q. M. S. , favouring me with a look veryappropriate to the Devil's Own, turned on his heel and set off in pursuitof a lady-billetee, pulling up short on the threshold of the baby-linenshop in which she took refuge. Left him on guard with a Casablanca-likelook on his face. Nov. 1. --Lieut. True Born took up his quarters with us. Gave him mydressing-room for bedchamber. Was awakened several times in the night bywhat I took to be Zeppelins, flying low. Nov. 2. --Lieut. True Born offered to bet me five pounds to twenty thatthe war would be over by 1922. Nov. 3. --Offered to teach me auction-bridge. Nov. 4. --Asked me whether I could play "shove ha'penny. " Nov. 10. --Lieut. True Born gave one of the regimental horses a riding-lesson. Came home grumpy and went to bed early. Nov. 13. --Another riding-lesson. Over-heard him asking one of themaids whether there was such a thing as a water-bed in the house. Nov. 17. --Complained bitterly of horse-copers. Said that his poor mountwas discovered to be suffering from saddle-soreness, broken wind, splints, weak hocks, and two bones of the neck out of place. Dec. 9. --7 p. M. --One of last year's billets, Private Merited, on leavefrom a gunnery course, called to see me and to find out whether his oldbed had improved since last year. Left his motor-bike in the garage, andthe smell in front of the dining-room window. 8 to 12 p. M. --Sat with Private Merited, listening to Lieut. True Born onthe mistakes of Wellington. 12. 5 a. M. --Rose to go to bed. Was about to turn out gas in hall when Idiscovered the lieutenant standing with his face to the wall playing pat-a-cake with it. Gave him three-parts of a tumbler of brandy. Said hefelt better and went upstairs. Arrived in his bed-room, he looked abouthim carefully, and then, with a superb sweep of his left arm, swept thebest Chippendale looking-glass in the family off the dressing table anddived face down-wards to the floor, missing death and the corner of thechest of drawers by an inch. 12:15 a. M. --Rolled him on to his back and got his feet on the bed. Theyfell off again as soon as they were cleaner than the quilt. Thelieutenant, startled by the crash, opened his eyes and climbed into bedunaided. 12. 20 a. M. --Sent Private Merited for the M. O. , Captain Geranium. 12. 25 a. M. --Mixed a dose of brandy and castor-oil in a tumbler. Am toldit slips down like an oyster that way--bad oyster, I should think. Lieut. True Born jibbed. Reminded him that England expects that everyman will take his castor-oil. Reply unprintable. Apologized a momentlater. Said that his mind was wandering and that he thought he was acolonel. Reassured him. 12. 40 a. M. --Private Merited returned with the M. O. Latter nicely dressedin musical-comedy pyjamas of ravishing hue, and great-coat, with rose-tinted feet thrust into red morocco slippers. Held consultation andexplained my treatment. M. O. Much impressed, anxious to know whether Iwas a doctor. Told him "No, " but that I knew all the ropes. First givepatient castor-oil, then diet him and call every day to make sure that hedoesn't like his food. After that, if he shows signs of getting well toosoon, give him a tonic. . . . M. O. Stuffy. Dec. 10. --M. O. Diagnosed attack as due to something which True Bornbelieves to be tobacco, with which he disinfects the house, themess-sheds, and the streets of Berkhamsted. Dec. 11. --True Born, shorn of thirteen pipes a day out of sixteen, disparages the whole race of M. O. 's. Dec. 14. --He obtains leave to attend wedding of a great-aunt andransacks London for a specialist who advocates strong tobacco. Dec. 15. --He classes specialists with M. O. 's. Is surprised (andapparently disappointed) that, so far, the breaking of the looking-glasshas brought me no ill-luck. Feel somewhat uneasy myself until glass isrepaired by local cabinet-maker. Jan. 10, 1917. --Lieut. True Born starts to break in another horse. Feb. 1. --Horse broken. March 3. --Running short of tobacco, go to my billet's room and try a pipeof his. Take all the remedies except the castor-oil. April 4, 8. 30 a. M. --Awakened by an infernal crash and discover that mypoor looking-glass is in pieces again on the floor. True Born explainsthat its position, between the open door and the open window, was toomuch for it. Don't believe a word of it. Shall believe to my dying daythat it burst in a frantic but hopeless attempt to tell Lieut. True Bornthe truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. April 6. --The lieutenant watching for some sign of misfortune to me. Says that I can't break a mirror twice without ill-luck following it. Me! April 9. --Lieut. True Born comes up to me with a face full of conflictingemotions. "Your ill-luck has come at last, " he says with gloomysatisfaction. "We go under canvas on the 23rd. You are losing me!"